KFC Radio - Heather McMahan Was Covered in Baby Oil By a Guy Who Lived in a Chocolate Factory

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 09:46 Modern Day Bushes 12:41 Comedy is tough on Heather's body 20:02 Dating Apps 34:30 Stalkers and Hot Celebrities 39:23 Being hotter in person than on camera 58:12 Heather's acting career 01:03:53 Video Voicemails 01:20:28 Jackie's Banana Tub +++++++++++++++++++++++ Gametime: Download the Gametime app or go to https://gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). SimpliSafe: Get an exclusive 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring at https://simplisafe.com/kfcradio BetterHelp: KFC Radio is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/KFC today to get 10% off your first month.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. But I let my mom, like, run my dating app for a minute, and that was disastrous. Yeah. Yeah, I ended up being covered head to toe in baby oil one night. It was a whole thing. I've been through a lot. Yeah. Just got hot. I feel like it was nice last week

and now it's fucking hot, right? Yeah, please. I'm such a sweater, so. I am too. Like, what the fuck? I can't, I can't. I'm living large with white linen pants too. Like, who the fuck do I think I am?

Right? King Charles, get out of here. The linen is, this is the first time I've, first summer I've ever really gotten into linen because I have a little bit of money. That's it? You're like, now I'm wearing linen just because I'm rich? Okay.

All right. They make linen. You've had access to linen for a long time. Linen's like, you know. No, but I feel like there's like shitty linen. I don't know. That's polyester. It's not.

I feel like any time I did wear linen before, I was like, it almost made it worse. Like trapped. Yeah. Yeah. Now it's nice. Yeah. Good for you. Because I hate shorts.

I feel like I look like an idiot in shorts. I feel like I look like an ugly, weird, pasty idiot in shorts. Wow. Way to really talk down to yourself. I mean, do we need to like build you up? I mean, do you have thin, very thin legs? Like chicken legs? They look pretty meaty.

No, I think I have a very skinny, fat body, but my legs would be the one thing that's like not that fat. Yeah. But they're pale and they're weird. I just got a weird body. I have a big torso and shorter legs. So the whole thing looks grotesque. I have the largest shoulders on the planet

and then the thinnest ankles. So I get it. I'm literally an upside down triangle. Usually because this will be waist up, somebody will comment and be like, man, those shoulders, she looks like a fucking Maytag refrigerator. And then they see my legs and they're like,

goddamn, who is that? Dirty little bitch. Look at that skinny fucking ankle. Yeah, you fucking perverts. I was going to say, there's somebody at home who's just cutting that one clip up. I was told one time that I have good toe cleavage. So that's apparently a thing.

The lines kind of like your toes? Yeah, like my foot in a heel. Well, this isn't good because it's an open toe shoe. But my foot is in a high heel that's closed. Apparently, I have very sexy toe cleavage. Really? But I've never been with anybody who's been into feet. But I've had people stop me and be like, nice toe cleavage. I was like, fuck yeah. All know, been with anybody who's been into feet, so. But I've had people stop me

and be like, nice toe cleavage. I was like, fuck yeah, all right. A win's a win. I'll take anything I can get. What do you think the body part

that's like most on the line that you can compliment a woman for and it's not creepy or it's not like, it's not, it is creepy, it's creepy no matter what.

It's not overtly sexual. Oh. Okay. Let's see about that. Feet are pretty, it's creepy no matter what. It's not overtly sexual. Oh, okay. Feet are pretty, like, feet might be the answer. No, feet, because now feet gets creepy. I think feet is insanely overtly sexual. Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. That would be like the last on the list.

So is it calves? If somebody comes up to you and says, you have nice feet, I'm like, you're going to talk to my feet. Yeah, no, you're 100%. Now that you said that, once I heard it, yeah, you're right. Maybe. Nothing's going to talk to my feet. Now that you said it, once I heard it, yeah, you're right. Maybe, uh... Nothing's going to offend me. You have to realize if you came up and you're like, love those titties. I'm like, stop. Thank you.

Carl, was it? Thank you. You're never going to insult me. You're like, I bet that pussy's tight. I'm going to be like, yeah. I think it is. You're not going to have any complaints. Yeah, listen. You've, I think it is. You're not gonna have any complaints. Yeah.

Listen, you gotta take it whenever you can get it, right? You gotta take it whenever you can get it. But that is a good question. Do you think there is one,

if you said like, you have nice hands or something, I feel like, I think anything that's a little bit specific, that sounds weird too. Why are you looking

at my fucking hands? It's like saying like an age, like an exact age. Yeah. People you like. Yeah. I mean, if you came up and said like you got a strong calf, you know what I mean?

If you said it was a strength thing, like, God damn, those are strong calves. I think if you said to somebody you have nice legs, that's probably the most tame. There is some level. It's not like you fuck legs. You're still going to get sued, though. If you go up to a woman in the workplace and you're like, hey, toots, you got nice legs? You're getting sued. You're out.

Maybe like 20 years ago, you could have done that anymore no bueno no bueno i still like a cat call like you know it's been fun i've been walking through new york you know what i mean you get a little cat call and you're like she fucking still has it yeah yeah what is the problem is when they act on them yes when you start running towards me at full speed across the street you're like me grab titties you're like yeah no that's not gonna work typical you know uh construction worker yeah got the jackhammer hey hey toots yeah if i was a woman i would like that yeah it's the dark alley at night absolutely that's the problem exactly so what is what is the and this is to all the women in the room like how often does a cat

call happen because i feel like I've never heard one. I'm not trying to say they don't exist. I've walked with women. I understand why they probably wouldn't be catcalled when they're with a man. But I've walked by a lot of construction sites and I've never heard it. Give me an example of a catcall. I mean, definitely around construction sites, on the subway. I mean, New York City is just like a hub for catcalling.

I mean, here's the thing, too. Like, obviously, I'm in comedy clubs, so I have, it's a mixture of heckling and cat calling. But I love it specifically when black guys do it because it's so niche. You know what I mean? Like, I swear to God, I had a guy be like, damn, girl, let me tickle those toes and make you spaghetti. And I was like, wait a minute, that sounds like a great idea. How did you know I was Italian?

That's my dream night Yeah I think I think specifically Black guys have like Down to a T It's an art And you're like They make you stop and think

And you're like I would love to do All of those things Dude ever Black guys have The most game Yeah They have no fear

No fear No fear of rejection They'll dance with you They'll talk to you Like that is one thing That as a they'll talk to you like that is one thing that as a white guy i was always like this is back years yonder when like you'd be at a bar and like there would be music on and people would be dancing and right and you would just like they would just go up to them dance talk and they might get like you know slapped away and they just on to

the next one and i was always like uh good for you guys i cannot do it if jeff got hit by a bus tomorrow i would i always tell him i'm like you're probably the last white guy and i've never been with that guy he is he's probably my last white guy i mean black guys like funny women like white guys are like okay all right you're speaking up speaking up pretty loud at church right now you know like i'm done i really am probably done with like us you know that's so funny because that means there's there's some part of it because i i i think we can speak freely here right there's three white people yes but like like shane has a good bit about it at one point in his early in his career there's there's just something weird with white guys when when when

you're coming up when you're dating somebody it's like i mean you're some black guy right oh yeah and so there's some part of Jeff that's just thinking to himself, if I get hit by a bus, my wife's just going to get railed by black guys. That's such a funny fucking thought. He's crossing the street three times. Yeah.

They're the guys, though, that, again, they're into it. They like an outspoken woman who can... I mean, it takes a very specific white guy to be like you know i'm up on stage saying crazy shit yeah yeah a lot of white guys i think that's crazy but you're right like i mean that would be or like really short guys short guys that literally come up to like the bottom half of my areolas those are the guys who are like you're my woman i'm actually not you're my accountant you made it weird you know like there it's i get a

lot of short kings and a lot of fabulous black gentlemen so i'll take it that's funny i mean yeah the short guys i think um like i was we were just talking about hot rodent summer have you heard about this uh-uh the new the new gen z yeah the new trend is sexy rat hot rodent summer uh there's a couple of them the guys who were in that movie with Zendaya where they play tennis and fuck each other. Those guys look like fucking rodents. I don't know how those two – Ratatouilles. Yeah.

They really do. So those guys I understand. The other ones though are like Jeremy Allen White and fucking Barry Keegan. It's a mouthy face though. I get it. But they're also like fucking hot and and movie stars you know what i mean i think the rodent was i didn't think it meant that you were like weak and like had a long tail like i just thought it meant you had a mousy face i it does but i'm saying if a true like rat looking guy

came up to you i don't think you'd be like it's sexy rat summer right i think you'd be like your fucking nose is weird and your eyes are straight like get the fuck away from me same thing with dad bod where it's like like that's not a dad bod. That guy is in pretty good shape because the real dads look disgusting. And the same thing with short kings where it was short king summer, but it was like if you're 5'9". Because if you're 5'5", we're still going to spit in your face. No, if you are actually like maybe have a handicapped car. Like you have a special parking because you're like 4'8".

You're the one who's calling me. It's always the little guy. That's how i ended up with my husband i i had been i was living in new york and i was getting hit on just like by the tiniest guys i was like what the fuck i'm a tall woman and he walked into the barn i was like that one that's the one that one he's over six two i'll take him and then i trapped him so yeah um yeah the rat guy i'm not into that i'm i identify as a lumber sexual you know i may have said this before on the show. I like chest hair, a beard. I like the thought that you could wrestle a bear and maybe chop wood. Well, I got the chest hair.

You got the chest hair. I don't understand women who like the smooth guys. I don't get it. Oh, it's such a nice thing. You have chest hair? I don't shave my chest. What did you say? What did you say?

You have chest hair? You are a weird body hair guy. He doesn't have hair. I have hair. I'm not fucking Tom Selleck or fucking Hasselhoff, but I have hair on my body here. That's good. You don't have hair. Yeah, he's an inside out cat the rest of his life.

Oh, but you don't have any in your arms. No. No, my arms. None of my legs. Wow. That's kind of sexy. I'm not going to lie. Okay.

Smooth on the limbs, but fuzzy in the middle. Okay. All right. I'm like a reverse gusher. Yeah. I like that. Now, do you still like Bush? Are you guys bald eagle kind of guys, or what do you like?

What do you mean? With me or with a vagina? With a vagina. What are you for fun? I'm, you know, you kind of eat what you can forge. You guys sound so fucking desperate. You're like, I can't wear shorts. I now wear linen because it's expensive.

And you're like, I'm just trying to lurk in Central Park and find some pussy. What is wrong with y'all? Some winters you got bison. Some winters you're fucking eating sticks, dude. Yeah, I hear you. I hear you. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. And so I would say largely I end up with bald women. Okay. But no, I wouldn't. I would. I think it's pretty safe to say nothing below the clit. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. You don't want a real just furry clit. I'd like to see it though we talked about this recently it's it's more shaving everything else yeah you know yeah yeah you don't want a girl a hairy butt you know you want a clean butthole yeah but like yeah anything above like the clit you got a little like five o'clock shadow action that's

fine but you don't want to like be like flip over and it's like whoa yeah i hear you all right i'm out no my husband he was like he's he likes he likes uh pubic hair so that's nice that's yeah there is something very nice about like uh i used to worry like a mature grown man who doesn't want something that bald and smooth great Yeah, it is nice. But it also has like a – in order to have a bush, you have to – you got to trim your garden. Yeah, you got to maintain. You're a green thumb. So you're – as long as it's not in everything everywhere, you're like, okay, this person puts time in that.

Yeah. It's manicured. It doesn't have to be removed, but it's also if you're just letting it grow crazy. Have you ever had a Brazilian? Have you ever done any sort of waxing? Waxing, no.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's... It's like a little throttle. But so like, that, I don't know about anybody else, but I've never been like,

you need to wax it all off. Yeah. Like, again, if you just like... In your linen suit. I see you in your linen suit smoking a cigarette and be like, you need to wax it all, pussy Yeah. Like, again, if you just like, keep it kept. In your linen suit. I see you in your linen suit smoking a cigarette and be like,

you need to wax your pussy. I'm saying, like, don't you think? Swirl and wax that pussy to somewhere like a plantation in Charleston.

And now that I got a linen suit. No, I'm saying, I don't think, I feel like waxing girls, like, brought about to themselves. Maybe to like, I understand for sure. Like guys have unrealistic standards and blah, blah, blah.

But I don't think it was ever guys being like, you should get some hot wax and rip the fucking hair out of your pussy. Yeah, we got to blame the Brazilians. And I don't want to do that. But they did show up to the States. And then they were like, this is the new trend. And we had like one hot Brazilian friend who was just too smooth and it's like fuck. Okay we gotta wax all up.

Listen being a woman's hard period. We're doing the fucking most. And it's a lot and I'm exhausted but I do it. So you're still doing this whole shtick huh? Yeah I'm still doing this whole fucking shtick. Well right now I'm in physical therapy. I'm actually just broken. You know what I mean? Yeah I got sciatica. You guys ever had sciatica no that's what your whole body hurts all the time

your leg goes numb like my right leg like i'm kind of sitting to the right because i'm trying to like get that nerve to pinch so i can like feel my leg yeah yeah i do that with this hip i gotta snap it back in a lot you'll see me like this yeah and once you start getting the numbness oh my hands go numb when i sleep yeah it's fucking bullshit we had a field day the other day and i was it was like i got injured in multiple places but none of it was like a real injury it was all the old stuff where it's just nagging and lingering yeah and i i had numbness and we had a tug of war and i couldn't feel these two fingers for like a week yeah and it was why were you doing tug of war because we're you're 30s yeah no i have a 401k i'm doing tug of war i have a fucking

401k wow okay all right i mean i have fucking like a broken back and like a pinched nerve from fucking doing comedy so it's riddled me this like i go to my chiropractor and my physical therapist right next to each other and they do all the falcons players in atlanta and they're like you're the most beat-up person we've ever fucking seen they're like you wear heels on stage and tell jokes for 90 minutes like what the fuck i'm like i don't know what the fuck i did to my body yeah that's where i'm at yeah i got i got a terrible body too it is it's crazy getting to the age when like things when you're seeing doctors more often and and they always have comments like that where it's like what do you do what do you do nothing like i i had a shoulder surgery where when i finally woke up they were like what do you do

and i was what do you mean they're like that's that shoulder was a mess like that was like they're like it was you know we've thought about this everyone always always done by some team doctor right i got guy was at FSU at the time. Like I just said, literally, my guy is a Valdez. He was the FSU surgeon. Yeah.

And he's like, I do this football team surgeon. I've never seen a shoulder like that. Yeah. I was like, I don't know. I played hockey when I was 12. Yeah.

Is that what it was? I know. But it sucks when, like if you are a football player, hockey player, whatever, you know the risks. And a lot of guys have said like, it's worth the money in the short term for the long term pain but when you're like I didn't pick that I picked being a comedian why the fuck am I still you know I sit and that's the thing is I sit in a lot of first class seats and I think it's my ass would go completely numb and so I'm the person in the galley doing the weird stretches you know theitons are always fans. And they're like, leg went numb again.

I'm like, yeah, I can't talk about it. I actually threw out my back. I was at LaGuardia. And I was getting out of a car. And I was flying to Pittsburgh to do a show. And there was a giant Mercedes Sprinter van in front of me. And I know when the disc ruptured, if you will, because there was a K-pop band getting out of this Mercedes Sprinter van.

So I see all these hot Korean guys getting out of this car. So I go to jump out of the Uber. And I grab my duffel at the same time and my back just like went out. I hit the deck at Sky Priority in front of LaGuardia. So all these K-pop stars are staring at me like, is she good? And I can't, I don't know Korean, you know what I mean? I'm just like

laying there. They have to wheel me in a wheelchair to my gate. I've never been more embarrassed. So that's when it originally happened. I was in college and I had, I've had back problems forever. I was in college and i had i've had back problems forever yeah i was in college and i like i was in the shower and i twisted like i turned my body to get uh like shampoo or whatever like right to the wall and it went and i sneezed fuck so i was twisted and sneezed and i i like i like collapsed right So and I like literally could not like straighten out or stand up or anything.

But I'm naked and wet. Uh huh. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know what to do. So I like crawl from the bathroom into my dorm room. My roommates were not there. I got I got to my phone and I call my mom and she comes. And by this point, I was able to like throw a towel like right over myself. So at least I'm not totally naked. But my mom comes and she's like, I don't know why I call my mom. And she comes. And by this point, I was able to, like, throw a towel, like, over myself. So at least I'm not totally naked.

But my mom comes. And she's like, I don't know why I called my mom. Because she showed up. And she was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. She can't, like, pick you up. Right. So she's. And we kind of, like, tried a couple things.

And she was eventually like, I think we have to, like, call, like, an ambulance. Yeah. To get muscle relaxers. And I get. Yeah. Yeah. But, like, I had. They came into the dorm room. We kind of talked it out and they were

like yeah we got to put you in a stretcher and like take you away and they will wheel me down the fucking hallway everybody's heads popped out like it was a movie it was like sirens outside i was like can we can we like kind of yeah you know downplay this and it was and but then it's like what happened man it's like oh yeah i sneezed in the shower. 20-year-old man sneezing in the shower took me out. It will humble you. And I think I got, when I got sciatica, this is revenge because my mom had it. We were on vacation to the Turks and Caicos. And she was like bent over a lounge, like a sun lounger, just like, ugh, just groaning.

And I was like, quit fucking embarrassing me. And now I've got it tenfold. Like, that's me. If you don't know back pain Because sometimes it feels like It's like a cliche Like oh your back hurts And it's like Because I even remember

Once I started to feel the pain I remember being like Young young So I think something Was fucked up Like when I was like 12 Yeah Like playing basketball

And I like Something goes wrong But you're just a kid And you're like whatever Yeah And nobody believes That you have back pain Because you're

I don't know You look fine It's like no I'm dying on the inside Yeah fully dying. I used to do competitive cheerleading and I was the base, obviously, firm foundation. So I would hold up like, you know,

like young girls on my shoulders. So I do know that that's where the giant traps came from. But like there's days where they're always like, what the fuck sport did you play? I was like cheerleading and golf. And they're like, well, you fucked it up. You did that shit wrong. Yeah, but I was a girl too.

Like I was, i would do like one man stunts like what the college cheerleaders would do i would hold up a young woman over my head and i was in like you know i was maybe 15 and this is probably why i didn't get a lot of dates in high school because i'd be at a pep rally like kelsey let's go and i would hold this little girl up above my head and one time i did it at homecoming and i was so proud of myself i had been like training like i was so proud of myself. I had been like training. Like I was so proud to show this two person stunt. Again, what a college male cheerleader would do.

And my mom ran across, she literally ran across the gym and she was like, Heather, if you ever want to date to prom, never fucking do that again. She was like, no guy is ever going to ask you out when you show them your strength.

I was like, fair enough. I'm dating Hercules. Yeah, exactly. I'm so proud of myself. KFC Radio is sponsored by BetterHelp, the online therapy system to help you celebrate your wins. You head over to BetterHelp right now and you can start an online therapy session with a licensed doctor through text or email or phone calls or FaceTime where you can talk about your wins. You can talk about your schedule. You can talk about adjusting your goals so that you can achieve them and then celebrate them

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B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash KFC and get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com slash KFC for 10% off. What do you think about this idea? Jackie was talking yesterday about like she's going on all these dates and these guys just talking about their finance jobs and blah, I think girls have dropped the ball in general on how much these guys get away with. Oh, okay. I hear what you're saying.

Like, I was like, just stop dating these guys or hooking up with these guys. They fucking suck. I said at one point, I think all women should get off all the apps. Yeah. And we should do a meet cute. Take back the power. Take back the power and just say, hey. You had the power of the pussy and you kind of gave it away.

Like, we're all going to meet in Central Park at 6 p.m. on Friday. You know what I mean? Bring a bottle of white wine. You know what I mean? Meet face to face. I just have one giant mixer. I totally agree. Because, like, I honestly think these guys are like, I'm going to go on nine dates this

week and you're going to turn me down and you're going to turn me down. But, like, that girl's going to fuck me and so i'm just gonna keep doing it and if yeah that stopped i'm violating guy code right now but i feel like you guys should just like cut it off i hear you it's been bad it's been really bad yeah fuck yeah i've been out the i was honestly the only app i was ever on was like match.com because i've been with my husband for so long and i let my mom run it and this was like when i first moved to New York. She suggested for me to find a guy. She was like, my mom's robot was like, Heather, go down to Wall Street,

wear a CSX dress, have a giant map and be like, I'm lost. And instead she put me on match.com and you know, my mom like, you know, was on her iPad and didn't really, she set me up with a guy who had no legs. You know what I mean? God bless him.

Yeah, literally. And I went to go meet him. Did she know that? She didn't because she never zoomed in on the fucking iPad. She was sitting in all of them. And I was like, mom him Did she know that? She didn't Because she never zoomed in On the fucking iPad She was sitting in all of them And I was like mom I'm glad that the guy

Was so lovely You know he's handy capable So you went on the date I met him Oh my god He was lovely But like it's too hard to date In New York

You know what I mean Like it was just I don't want to walk that long On the subway platform Yeah I was 22 Was he like Holy fucking shit

She came Like I'm on a date Yes Or was he like It was lovely It was she came. Like, I'm on a date? Yes. Or was he like, I do this all the time? It was lovely. It was great. I mean, it was too old for me at the time. But I let my mom run my dating app for a minute, and that was disastrous.

Yeah. Yeah. I ended up being covered head to toe in baby oil one night. It was a whole thing. I've been through a lot. Yeah. So I say, get off the fucking apps. Okay?

Get off the apps. It's also like how they do it now, too. I know. What apps are you on? Hang on. Hang on. Let's go back to baby oil. Let's also like how they do it now, too. I know. What apps are you on? Hang on, hang on. Let's go back to the baby. Let's do the baby over. Yes.

How did that happen? Okay, so it's probably deep trauma that I've pushed down and suppressed. But I went on a date with this guy. Again, he's a lot older. But we had a mutual friend from the South. So I was like, this is great. We met on Match.com. I was like, I'll go meet him.

He lived in this chocolate factory on Canal Street. It was an old chocolate factory. This sounds like one of those urban legends. No, it really does. Was it Cannibal Ocean too? So he's like, you want to come see my apartment? And again, I'm like 22. I'm like, yeah, sure.

He's cute. We had a nice time. Like maybe we'll make it. I didn't think it was going to get weird as quickly as it did. And he was like, come back. I live in literally, it's like this building on Canal Street that used to be a chocolate factory. And then they made him do these like sick lofts.

I was like, yeah, he's a comeback for dessert. So I think we're going to come back. I'm going to get a little Giardelli. You know what I mean? Maybe I'll have a little parfait. And then maybe a little make out, and I'll see you later. Next thing you know, I had one drink, and I'm covered head to toe in baby oil. Just baby oil.

He started, he's like, let me rub your shoulders, one of those. And I think he's into that kind of massage where, I think it's called like Nauru. Nauru, yeah, yeah. And the next thing you know, and I didn't know what that was I was 22 and I was just he was just putting baby oil all over me and I had to fucking like literally Slip the fuck out of there In everything it was just all over me and I said you're fucking pervert While you're a fucking pervert and I gotta go I'm gonna call someone a fucking pervert while you're dripping baby oil

you're a fucking pervert but I want a sweet treat where is my dessert wait so back to you so what do you want okay um like hinge but the issue with it is like I don't think that the guys on it are actually I think they just want

the validation so then by the time you like you don't actually talk to any hot guys so it breaks you down so then finally when you talk to like a medium guy you're like i guess and then you go on the date and then you're like i knew this wasn't gonna be good and it was not and so every single time it's kind of like it's just disappointing so you think that they're just like reaching out just to get that immediate validation like, oh, I'm into you. And then they're not even like trying to meet you for a date. Well, I think I think like they're either looking for validation or they're bots, because like I said, like the guys who you want aren't going to be answering like these dumb little

prompts and like have this dumb little like whatever. It's like none of the cool guys are actually on there. Yeah. And then you get either like to pay the extra money. Yeah. Then you get like the guys who are just on there. Yeah. So then you get either, like... Guys who pay the extra money. Yeah, yeah. Then you get, like, the guys who are just hot, but then they're, like, crazy. Wait, what is this? That you pay money to get in a hot pool?

Tinder has, like, a $500 a month plan. Oh, fuck. And I think what it does... You're rich now. You can be in your living suit. They're tossing in the wind. What are you talking about? You know, it says, like, you get more matches and you get like extra this and that

i think what happens is like you just they feed you to the hot people you know what i mean yeah it's like pay pay money and we'll put you in front of pretty girls or whatever vice versa you know you need to go to horse races horse races is where i tell people to go i was at serato last weekend a lot of hot guys a lot lot of money. Delta Sky Club. Horse races, sky clubs, any golf tournaments? I would say golf. Golf. Honey, come with me. I'm telling you. We were at cricket.

I don't know what the cricket crowd is like. Also probably a lot of rich frits though. I mean, if you want like a hot guy who's like about town. We probably could have been next to like billionaire. Yeah. I wasn't. I never said that. What's your type? I never said my type.

I'm a great matchmaker. What's your type? Really? Yes. I got you. It's all over the place. Okay. It's like,

um, uh, mostly person. A woman. She had nothing. She literally had nothing. We were saying this the other day with the Rap Boy Summer and Bad Bod. It sucks to be a woman because you have to create a marketing plan in order to explain why you're going to fuck this guy.

Because there just aren't hot guys. We don't try. With guys, we just have to be like, oh, we like hot girls. And girls are like, I like rap boys. I like vermin. I like a nice dad bod. It's the fat guy I'm going to have sex with. Who do you love?

Who's like your celebrity crush? Miles Tiller, Harry Styles. Well, Tom Holland kinda okay that feels a little pervy that was that lumberjack dude right on

no isn't Tom Holland Zendaya's yeah he's short he's a sports club app guy there was some dude on Instagram

who uh no you liked the lumberjack guy yeah I liked the lumberjack guy but there was somebody else that was famous for like no reason you just wanted to live

vicariously through me. You kept saying, isn't this guy so hot? Who was that guy, though? Remember you DM'd him for like, you went back. It was a country singer, right? Oh, it was a cowboy. Yeah, cowboy. Legitimate cowboy.

It's not a lumberjack. Oh, I love a cowboy. Yeah. I think all women do. Yeah. We want to be, here's the thing. Bossed around. You're a boss bitch, I can tell.

You want to be bossed around. Like, I want Jeff to tell me to sit down, shut up. I like that. That's hot. We need this little mouthy right now. Heather, no! Shut up! But it's when you're out doing the shit all day and making decisions, I like to come

home and I like to be like, no, this is where we're fucking going. We're going to the steakhouse, be there at 8. That makes sense. I get that yeah I don't like yeah we're exhausted that's the thing is women don't want to make decisions so are these guys not like that at all they're not like uh like when they're like pussies the guys you're dating yeah yes yes well there's nothing more attractive like where do you want to go fucking make a reservation I will judge the place regardless. So just fucking make the reservation.

You know what I mean? The other day, a guy, I was like, he was like, where do you live? And I was like, midtown area. He was like, so we're not going to be going there. And I was like, okay, then where do you live? Then he was like, then where should we go? And he's like, I live in Tribeca, so let's go there. And I was like, that's the opposite of where I live, but fine. I was like, okay,

as long as you pick the place. And he's like, okay, but can you just send me recommendations? Are you fucking kidding me? I was like, okay, fine. And then I was like, when are you free? And he's like, I'm free, you pick a time. So then I was like, okay, fine.

You're burning his apartment down later. I hate this man. I absolutely hate him. Then I picked a time, So then I was like, okay, fine. You were burning his apartment down later. I hate this man. I absolutely hate him. Then I picked a time and then an hour before he goes, sorry, I'm getting a haircut. I have to cancel. And I was like, I'm gonna kill you.

Oh my God, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I will literally murder you. Send me his information and we will take care of it. That's insufferable. It was insane.

Make a fucking decision. This is what I always tell guys too. I'm like, it is so fucking easy to get women It really is Like and I don't mean that Like it just put in Put in effort

Yeah The bar is so fucking low at this point Just put in some fucking effort Make a reservation Like compliment us Like ask us questions I think Like I

Ask us questions My When I was growing up Like I don't think it was easy to get girls Because it was like You had to go to a bar Yeah you had to talk. You had to be face to face.

And you could get fucking shot down. Yeah. Like, so bad. Like, a girl would look at you like, don't even look at me. Go away. And you'd walk. You'd slink back to your friends. And then when, like, it was kind of working, you, like, you're like, okay, guys, like,

what do I do? I gotta buy her a drink. I gotta do this. I gotta do that. Because it's like, I want to hook up, you know? And it's not at my fingertips, literally, all fucking night long. So to me, it was like, I think that's why they called it like getting lucky. Because it was like, I got lucky.

This girl had sex with me. I don't know why. And so for me, it was always like, girl on a pedestal. No matter what she looked like or did, it was like, you have, I'm chasing you. The whole experience was that. It was never, ever like, I'm going to go sit at a bar and wait for girls to come up to me. Right. So in my brain, it's like so crazy that it feels like it's the opposite now.

And here's the thing. This is like sounds old fashioned, but the guy has to chase you. He does. Yeah. It's in your DNA. Like the guy's got to love you more than you love him. Yeah. He's got to want it.

If he's not chasing after it. I mean, I. Well, I disagree with that. Oh, okay. How so? I don't think I've ever loved someone more than you love him yeah he's got to want it if he's not chasing after it i mean i i disagree with that oh okay how so i don't think i've ever loved someone more than they love me but john's also well how are these relationships going we're not going great yeah but i mean like like guys have to want you if the girl is more into him than he is into you then it's not gonna work he doesn't know how much people are into him sometimes. Yeah, are you still single? I'm sorry, I should notice. Listen, I feel like you and I need to sit down, and

I will get you, I'll find you what you want tomorrow. What are you looking for? What's your type? Me? Big Bush. Big Bush. I'm wearing white linen pants for a reason. If you were black, bro, only if you were black. I think you could be...

Like a matchmaker? Not a matchmaker, though. You're like the pope for women. Thank you. Like a dating pope. I've been saying this for years. What you described about in Central Park, I think you could lead that.

Speaking before the million man march. The women just go for miles and you're just speaking into a microphone being like, here's how we're going to do it, girls. I feel like all types of women like you. Men, come out of the bushes. Bring your bottles of Chardonnay and your mango vapes and let's fucking go.

I feel like all women like you and you're funny, you you're smart and you people like uh you know you're successful business woman so it's like not all jokes thank you and i think you could be like like if i was a chick i would listen to heather mcmahon well you should and here's the thing i get it like i've been out of the game the dating game but i i literally texted jeff yesterday i was with some of my single friends i just texted him i said please don't die and he was like are you good i was like you're in the hamptons right now playing golf please don't die it's too fucking hard out here these mean streets um with all my single friends I just texted him I said please don't die And he was like Are you good? I was like You're in the Hamptons right now Playing golf Please don't die

It's too fucking hard out here These mean streets With all my single friends And it was like dire And I'm so upset for them I like how you said You're in the Hamptons playing golf Like he's in Iraq

Yeah Come back from that tour You're in the Hamptons playing golf Please survive Please don't die Don't die Yeah I was just like don't die

I'm gonna drive back Whatever Just don't get hit by a golf ball Or lightning Like I can't do this I'm tired I'm so like, don't die. I'm going to drive back, whatever. Just don't get hit by a golf ball or lightning. Like, I can't do this. I'm tired. I'm so tired. You said something when you were talking that.

Do women not get that? I had a very limited time on apps years and years ago. But I 100% got that. Where I would get a match, and she'd say hi. Yeah. And I'd roll over and make a notch in my bedpost and I was like, that one counts next. There is something like I used,

me and a couple of my friends would like, getting a girl's number was like half the battle. And then even just having a little bit of fun like flirting and then like you try to hook up and it doesn't work, but it's like that first part was fun. And I could see where if you could just do that all night long spit the same lines play the same game there's no thrill anymore for you guys right you just if you have women constantly being like yeah i'm available then no yeah it's way too easy the ball's in y'all's court and i fucking hate that

yeah so women close your legs close your legs close your ass that's the campaign central park that's the campaign heather mcmahon 2024 close your legs close your ass there Meet me in Central Park. That's the campaign. Heather McMahon 2024. Close your legs. Close your ass. There you go. Bam. It really is, though. It's like, I mean, if these guys can, it's like, okay, swipe next. You swiped me wrong.

I swiped you wrong. I never was on any dating apps, and I'm like, I think it's like the downfall of society. Well, now it's interesting. Like, my mom ran my Match.com account, you know, for two months. And then now I'm running her Bumble account because my dad's been dead for 10 years. My mom ran my Match.com account for two months, and then now I'm running her Bumble account because my dad's been dead for 10 years. My mom's such a hot catch. I'm actively trying to get her to find somebody

to go and travel with. And even these older guys. Now, my mom's 76, has the perkiest tits you've ever seen, has the body of fucking Claudia Schaffer. She's hot. She doesn't look a day over 40. Bush? Runs in the family.

Now we're talking about type. Maybe. Bush? Uh, okay. Runs in the family. Yeah, now we're talking about type. Oh, maybe. Yeah. John just wants to travel. Sound like the travel. Do you like hot, rich redheads?

She's hot. My mom's hot. And my dad was 11 years younger than her, so she likes a younger guy. But these guys even, like, on these apps that are in their late 70s,

their age range is like, you know, 22 to 25. 22 to, yeah, no shit. And you're like, get the fuck out of here. It's insane. You gave up the power. Yeah.

We're getting off the apps, ladies. For real. Helen of Troy, right? Fucking people. Guys are fighting wars over her. Cleopatra. And now these girls are just sitting at home being like, this sucks. Game Time is the official ticketing partner of Barstool Sports, which means you, right now, if you sign up for Game Time, your first purchase, you can get $20 off when you use promo code KFC.

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use promo code KFC, and get $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. GameTime, lowest price guaranteed. I literally was thinking the other day, I was doing something on Today Show, we were interviewing the Baby Reindeer cast, and I watched it, and I was like, I don't have enough male stalkers.

You know what I mean? I was like, this is interesting. Now I have a lot of female stalkers, because what i mean i was like this is interesting now i have a lot of female stalkers because white women are insane the other day those are called fans but i was like i never had somebody like really like chase me down and i'm like feeling a little left out you know i get a baby reindeer please yeah i mean one of those i just and my husband's like yeah you put everything out on the internet heather there's no mystery but i'm just kind of waiting i'm waiting for that moment you know for your special

stalker to come along yeah i am i really am i mean i did have this one guy shout out to scooter um he would go up to jeff at bars all the time and he'd be like he literally he's a really southern black guy so he's black but like was in a fraternity at a university of alabama like so would wear mattress shorts and seersucker linen Linen, you know. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, he'd wear the linen. He'd always come up to Jeff and be like, you know, if something happens to you, I'm swooping in, I'm swooping in.

Jeff would be like, all right, Scooter. He's like, we're friends with him. He's not even threatened by him, but he's just like, all right, you got balls. All right, Scooter. So, Scooter, call me. But yeah, I've never had somebody who's just been hiding in the bushes,

and I just feel like I've missed out. Open invitation. Famous last words. Tomorrow it's like, New Year, bros. Heather McMahon dies in Central Park. I love toe cleavage. Took her out. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you guys get stalkers? You ever had any ladies that just don't, you know, just slide into the DMs? Can you talk about it legally? Yeah, something like that. Yeah, something like that. Well, see, for guys, I don't think it's stalkers as much because we usually end up hooking up with them. Yeah, yeah.

Of course. We're not afraid of them like you are. So that just becomes your girlfriend. Exactly. Just how we planned it. It goes really south. Yeah. Yeah.

What is your type? What's the situation right now? Let's break it down. Okay. All Like, what's the situation right now? Like, let's break it down. Okay. All right. What's the situation right now? I don't really have one. Okay.

No situation. No situation. Do you want a girlfriend or you just, you know, you don't want anything serious right now? I don't think so. What is your type? Like, who's your celebrity crush? That's a great question. Every time he's going to say a man. Yeah. If I was being honest. My husband's a great question every time he's gonna say a man yeah if i was being honest

with any jeff was like oh he's a hendrick lungquist absolutely sure for sure yeah it'd be chris hemsworth for sure um you've never seen him i've never i've never met him but i've seen him at a premiere before he's stunning gorgeous it was. We sat this close, and I was like, it's even better than I thought. It genuinely feels rude. We're like, we're ignoring the elephant in the room here. All we should be talking about is how good looking you are. What do you look like? Everybody should wake up in the morning.

Every show, every interview, everybody should just be talking about how hot Chris is. It's disgusting. If we were in a room, right, and someone walked in here and fucking stabbed Steve right in the throat, we'd talk about it. He's that jarring. It's like that jarring how handsome he is. And you know what? I'm sure we were weird about it because we kept bringing it up. I don't think most interviewers do that. I think they just are like, tell me about the movie.

And we were like, you're so good. They're fake. They're thinking it the whole time. It's clear. That's what we're talking about. Right. I was like,

you literally are the hottest guy on the planet. Yeah. I think you can actually say that. He's like, please quit jerking off right in the middle of this interview. And he's so like,

stop. You know, he's just cool about about it i was like this is hot too i ran into lana del rey last night at a bar and she is stunning really stunning breathtaking literally like i was the creep in the corner and she like ordered a shirley temple and was like so like cute about it you know what i mean i was like i'll have what she's having she is chiseled not a flaw not a wrinkle nothing like very sexy almost like took my breath away when she walked in that's how when people say i think a big big part of the problem with everything we're talking about too is like yeah the rise of instagram and instagram girls and there's like when we were growing up like you you you saw the it girl and that was the hottest girl and now you can see like a lot of that on instagram

right like but there are still our people yeah like that girl's hot on instagram but if you saw the it girl and that was the hottest girl and now you can see like a lot of that on instagram right like but there are still our people yeah like that girl's hot on instagram but if you saw her at the bar or out or whatever he probably wouldn't look the same as it's the people that get to hollywood like the ones that make that next level it's like you are stunning i keep it so low on instagram no filters no nothing so that when people meet me in real life they're like wow i like to trick up what would you prefer uh the people who would you prefer to look good on the internet or look good in person uh look good in person for sure yeah i don't give a fuck because then you beat me and people get into the shows and like god damn you know what i mean well you it's different for you like i i'm 99.9 percent of my existence outside of like my family and friends is on the internet.

Yeah. You're on tour. You see people. You see them in person. I feel like being better looking on the internet is just more valuable for me. I guess. I don't see people in person that much. There's something about disappointing people though when you see them.

Yeah. And I just don't care about the internet. I hear people are always like, can I post this? Can I post this? I don't give a fuck. Yeah, exactly. Just let it rip. It's the pictures of me? Sure, post it. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah, exactly. Just let her rip. It's the pictures of me?

Sure, post it. I don't fucking care. I look a lot different on camera. I take very good photos, but on camera and whenever I see myself in these bits, I'm like, I feel like I don't look like that. I just, because I'm so broad, so when I'm sitting here, it's just full fucking shoulders. And I just, and then I get crazy. Well, you also have body dysmorphia like the rest of us.

Yeah, we all do. We all do. We're all warped in the fucking head. I mean, it's insane too. I mean, I read the comments and everyone's like, it's Tim Dillon's sister. I always get that. And I love Tim Dillon, but I'm like, I don't, you know, he's like my boy, but I'm like, God damn it.

You're my boy. I like him intellectually, not like as a body goal. Yeah. I mean, it is wild, too, when you do. I mean, y'all's fans are so fantastic, but it is crazy when you specifically go on like male-dominated podcasts, the shit that people say i hate it i hate it so much let it go to heart but there are days where you're like god damn it there's definitely been a few times where when we've had girl girl guests on they like don't want to do it again because of like calm and i'm

like uh yeah but i can't like close calm i don't't know. Maybe. No, no. Fuck it. Fuck it. Let him say whatever. Okay. But I was talking about that the other day because I'm not a comment guy. Yeah. And I don't, I feel like a lot of people on the internet now talk about how mean comments are and all this stuff. And I'm sure they are. But like strangers have always been mean. That's true. It's just that we choose to go into the room with them now.

Yeah. So like why do we blame strangers? Don't go fucking read it. Yeah. You're right. It's a great we choose to go into the room with them now. Yeah. So like, why do we blame strangers? Don't go fucking read it. Yeah, you're right. It's a great point. Thank you. I need it back. Because I'm drinking like fucking whiskey later.

There's something so crazy. Like, you're a perfect example. Like, wildly successful, very likable, successful with money, successful with opportunity, like all that. You really built me up. I love coming here. But you'll still like click on an Instagram comment section and read something and be, yeah, like you can't,

no matter what you achieve, you can be the bottom, the top. There's still something where you're like, what did that one guy say about me? You're always going to click on it. You're always going to be like, and my husband too, like we'll get high at night and go through some of the shit, like our like Reddit threads. And I'm like, this is fucking insane.

But I also think, like, what a fucking loser. Who takes time to, like, you know, start a conversation like that? I mean, I've never commented on anything. Reddit is finance. Go, girl. You know what I mean? You're crushing. Good or bad.

It's just like, what? But it's crazier to be, like, go in there and be like, this guy's a loser. We need to hear his opinion, though. Yeah, I know. It's insane. I know. It's insane. It's just, listen, we're all gluttons for punishment and also like we're comedians you know what i mean like we we we can get you're our comedian been carrying the show i always am like

but speaking of star wars no i'm not I'm not at all and also like I don't even know what I've said the last couple times I've come on here I'm probably repeating stories I'm just sweating through these linen pants

right now I didn't wear a bra though so I don't know if you can see this alright full bush no bra but I am

okay this is not like promoting it because I'm pretty sure I already sold it out but I'm doing this comedy cruise and I would say here's the thing

I'm doing a cruise next year if you're looking for love even just like to have a good time there's gonna be a lot of horny women on the lido deck of this cruise i'm doing the implication you should come i'm just saying wait so it's now it's um i forget the name i know it's not k-n-o-t yeah yeah well it's my podcast is absolutely not n-o-t so we're doing like absolutely nautical not i got you yeah a little play on words. I read it in the description, and I was thinking wedding tying the knot. So I thought it was like a honeymoon type of thing.

No, this is literally just a comedy cruise with my people. That's very different. But any single guys that are out there, if there's still room, you should come on. I mean, it's going to be like— The ratio is going to be— The ratio. But also, don't you think those girls, like, you think they want dudes on that yeah yes they absolutely do i mean enough of them will try and braid my hair you know where my pubes i don't know

there's gonna be the core girls who like you know just want to like smell my skin they'll be there and then yeah plenty of there's gonna be plenty of girls are horned up in nasa bahamas you know yeah we're going to Nassau. Yeah. Do you have, you have a lot of faith in your fan base that. I do. Yeah. Like, I don't know if I would want to be on a boat with some of my fans.

Well, you know what? It's interesting you say that. And it's interesting you say, cause you said something earlier that I thought was interesting. All the, say interesting. The,

all the stewardesses are fans. Yeah. So what group of women is your largest group of fans? Okay. Or what occupation do you have cornered? Listen, my girls are getting out. We actually did a study.

I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. We did a study through, I don't know, the publicist or something. They were like, all right, let's see. Because when we were going out to different markets on tour, they're like, let's see what the demographic is you know, we were going out to different markets on tour, they're like,

let's see like what the demographic is. Sure. We, I have more girls that follow me who did not graduate college, but American express platinums. I don't know what the fuck that says. I don't know how they got that stat, but they're like,

we don't think all these girls is necessarily finished college, but they're all rich as fuck. I was like, let's fucking go. That's what we call my sweet spot. Yeah, exactly. I'm going on that cruise. Now listen, if you like moms, it's going to be a mixture of gals

who want to leave their kids fucking home for Easter and don't want to deal with that, but it's also going to be a lot of fun, young, single girls who are just down to have a good time. You know what I mean? I'm just saying, open invitation. When is it? It's next April.

Next April? Yeah, we're setting sail on Master's Sunday. So we're going to have a big Master's party. You can can watch master sunday yeah no i never miss a master sunday yeah we're picturing john just being like i'm the king of this boat yeah i have a couple single guy friends that are definitely going that one of my buddies call me he's like i got the penthouse let's fucking go like he's smart he knows what he's doing yeah is this a it's a cruise ship it's a cruise ship like a Norwegian cruise ship and you sold it out yeah well i think so we're like pre-sale right now we're already at like 50 so by the end of the day and that's the thing it's not like a regular ticket sale so like

if you're to put a tour on sale people just go on ticket master people actually like from the cruise line have to call you and book it so they call me today and they're like this thing's gonna sell out like today and we haven't even gotten through the other like thousands of people because you have to like white glove service call them to like book your book your room so wait what do you know what capacity is i think like 2 000 or 2 500 we had like 10 000 people sign up like it's gonna be insane so i'm already like we gotta get we need to sleep yeah i need the fucking titanic for a bunch of slutty moms you know i mean this is unhinged like i'm like we might die on this ship you know but at least be drowning in pussy you know you're drowning in the ocean drowning some pussy

well said yeah i just like hooking people up like i really genuinely get such a high off of not even networking in business but i'm always that person like i got a guy like what do you need i i get such a high off see i i would i i had a friend recently asked me do you know any women and i said no no that was the honest answer yeah but had i known women i still would have said no really yeah i do because i don't you're a gatekeeper i don't yeah don't fuck i don't fuck up my world man i was gonna say he fucks up your life. I hear you. If it goes wrong, if it goes good. And odds are it's going to go wrong. Like the 90% chance it goes wrong. I know people say, well, 60, that's marriage.

I don't know what the failure of a relationship is. All of your relationships are failures until you get married. Yeah, that's true. And even that one. And even then, you're just literally just hanging out by the skin of your teeth. Grab a bottle, hunker down pray for daylight yeah but marriage is one of those things where i'm like i really like as cheesy as it sounds i'm like yeah that's my fucking buddy you know what i mean and i always say like i would never divorce

jeff i'd fucking murder him i'd brutally murder like you're i'm gonna allow you to go be with somebody else and make me miserable fuck no no absolutely not I love him. He'd be a king of passion. You know? That's how I feel. That's how I think you know when you're with the right person. You're like, we're in a fucking fight.

Yeah, yeah. Like, I have friends who are married and it's just like that light bickering all the time. I'm like, no. When we go in, I'm going hard.

Oh, dude, that's... As a single guy, married couples, you gotta lock it up, guys. Yeah. When they do it in public In front of people It's disgusting

That's my biggest no-no Maybe because I'm southern Like I'm like We were talking the car Right You know what I mean If you I genuinely

I would never Short of like actual abuse Yeah The worst If you If you make your Your partner look like An asshole in public

In front of people You're an asshole It's That is like the lowest of the low It's like Hating them is after that That is crazy Well my entire new special is me berating when jeff goes to italy because of it that's how we joined our second country club that's how he's

playing golf in the hampton right yeah i'm gonna say whatever she wants she wants. Yeah. Oh, I did get asked that, though. I think I may have said this last time. Someone was like, well, you know, does Jeff get upset? I'm like, fuck no, he doesn't. Because he's like, say whatever you want. Yeah, well, you didn't marry a fucking pussy. Yeah, exactly. I'm sure there's a ton of guys who would take offense to it.

And those guys suck. Yeah, no, Jeff, I think he gets a little hoed for it. Honestly, I'll give you my number. You want to have me vet some guys? Send them my way. I'm on it. I think you should do the Central Park thing. I really do.

Maybe we have a march. The Million Woman March led by Heather McMahon. Again, I'm breaking man code because you guys might take all the power back if you do that. I think this needs to happen, though. And then at least you also know, hey, there's 5,000 single women live in the flesh.

Come and talk to us. I got your back. I got everybody's back. And listen, I just women, you know, live in the flesh. Come and talk to us. I got your back. I got everybody's back. And listen, I just say, like, come sail away with us. And I'll help you. I just really, I do get a genuine, it's not me being like nosy. I get a genuine high off being like, I got somebody good for you. I enjoy it.

Well, that's also my problem is why I don't think I would ever be set up. Because I'm like, well, now I know exactly who you're fucking talking to about my shit. I don't like I don't fucking don't fucking talk about it but you know what's your red flag what's your deal you got a couple no unfortunately no it's pretty much

what do you say it's all yellow yeah I agree I have red flags like yellow lights like I just get through it fast and then okay and it's always a red light after that but you think once I get through here I'm fine but we have like deep emotional traumatic issues that we haven't worked through right oh what are you talking about yeah yeah yeah for sure yeah okay for sure but i i think you're also a person who um if you got a guy i would trust your guy like there are some people who are like i mean forget about dating it's like this thing in my house broke

I got a guy to fix it no you fucking don't you have some bum friend who like started an electrician company who sucks at this and I feel I'm gonna feel bad

so I have to use him and then I'm gonna pay the next guy to fix it you know like you gotta if you're a guy who knows a guy you gotta be a good guy

I got the guys but I also I give everybody my phone number too like my husband's also like we need boundaries i'm like no no no i have like every driver i'm like just give them my number directly you know like everybody and i've had the same number for since i got a cell phone do they bother you uh no i love it and i got a burner phone for a while that only like you

know my husband my manager my mom had the number or whatever i was like this is boring no one's calling like i want the creeps to call you know know what I mean? I love to chit chat. I don't like to text. And that's my red flag. And I know we're in modern times, but like call me, let's chit chat for 30 seconds and it's a wrap.

I don't want to fucking text all day and I don't know what you're trying to say in the text. No. Do you, talk to them. Yeah. Talk to them.

Preach. Preach. Yeah. Do you talk to fans? Like will you DM fans and message fans and tweet with fans? Oh yeah,

yeah. And it's always me. So if like I, if somebody somebody dms you it's me but i had the problem was because i put this thing out because i was trying to find my mom love and i did have a lot of girls who were like oh i got a i got my dad's perfect my uncle's perfect and then they just wanted to chit chat with me they weren't actually trying to get robin lind and then i got upset so you're not trying to get my mom fucking yeah i was like where's Mark I need to photograph together to mark you said he had a boat I want to see your

up on the boat and then they just then they ghost me and now I'm like fuck I'm gonna fight this is how it is this is the dating world it's the dating world

take it slow down yeah I'm getting ghosted by these women and I'm very fucking upset about it yeah but yeah I give everybody my number

I don't have boundaries I'm too empathetic I've been very much thinking and i keep hinting at it and i'm gonna do it eventually like i got i need a new number i need a new phone i'm and then after that it's gonna be really hard for anybody to ever get in touch with me yo i feel lonely you know how like i don't know i keep thinking i'm gonna start feeling lonely and i'm i'm going through that i know it's uh like like my phone i was the type of situation where like we'll do the podcast and then when i'm done i have like 25 missed texts

you know that's what gives me anxiety he was always like i don't know how you do it yeah and so recently i've just made changes at work and changes in life that like that's stopping and now that it's stopping i'm like i like wait i used to wake up and just like right away on my phone from the night before and early morning text like it was just going and now it's not and i'm like wait a minute yeah like okay wait i think i like this but i'm also feeling like i'm missing my texts and like yeah and you're like are you forgetting about me yeah yeah i used to be important and now i'm not but it's like i wanted this but there is if you i think if you live either lifestyle and then switch it it's overwhelming i also like

cannot cut people out of my life too and that's probably my biggest thing like i'm just wildly forgiving and listen like i'll fucking let you know if you've done something shitty but i'm very forgiving of people and my husband's like you know born and raised in yorker's like fuck dad everyone's out to fuck you don't trust fucking anybody it's my mom we live with her too you know but like truly talk to exes um no no thank god i know that i know they lurk from afar now you've been lurking i ran i one of my exes his wife is like a huge fan and so they come to shows but like we're friendly like i don't have any like real drama except there's one guy but you've been lurking one of my exes his wife is like a huge fan and so they come to shows but like we're friendly like I don't have any

like real drama except there's one guy but I know he lurks from afar because I can see it on the interwebs he didn't follow me but I'm like

you're looking at all my stories I fucking see this shit and I'll go through like 200,000 people and I'm like he's there he's there

you know like I need that validation a little bit but yeah that's fucking great but I'm fine I've never I really but it'll be to my detriment one day.

Like, I probably should cut some people out. And I'm just like, eh, they're on the payroll. It's fine. I'm the opposite. Like, I won't fight with you. And then just one day you'll wake up and we'll never talk again. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not confrontational. Yeah, I'll just be like. Truly a ghost. And then do they come back and they're like, what the fuck? I'll block you. Oh, shit'll just be like, truly ghost. And then do they come back and they're like, what the fuck? I'll block you.

Oh, shit. Yeah, like they're out. Are you confrontational? No. No, no, no. Yeah, we just all really soft people. Soft people with bushes. Who would have guessed

looking at the three of us that we might be a couple of pussies? Yeah, truly. I was telling her the other day, like, I will advocate for anybody else yeah i'll go to bat for you yeah and you know but myself like i'll just no i'm the same way i i will be in a massage that's like you know i'm getting a wet noodle in the back and i've asked for deep tissue and i will just lay there and fucking take it you're just talking about that

you're getting a haircut or getting a massage in those positions of like weakness you just let shit happen you're like it's great i love it this is and those positions of weakness, you just let shit happen to you. You're like, it's great. I love this. This is the best day of my life. We'll actually send lots of clients to you. And then I walk out and I tell my husband, I was violated for two hours. Literally hated every living second of that experience. Here's your tip. Yeah, here's your tip.

45%. Yeah. I think life's a little too – in a weird way, life is too short to be confrontational but also too short to be a pushover. So I don't know. You got to find that – the right times to confront and the right times to just like let it roll. I think life's perfectly long enough to be both of those. Yeah, just ghost people. Well, like it's – I don't need to be – I can be pushed over because it's a long – like people always say like life's too short.

Life is fucking long. Yeah, I say life is short and i don't think it's short i think it's that uh it's just too annoying to deal with shit is really what it is i don't know the length of my life it's yeah while this is happening to me i fucking hate it so i'm gonna like avoid it yeah i mean i'm not thinking about oh i'm gonna die one day and i wasted my time doing this it's just in the moment having this fight yeah we're having this thing fucking sucks yeah i'm just not gonna do it i'm tired i don't have the energy yeah it's like something happens before a show whatever i'm like now i gotta go entertain thousands of people i don't have the fucking energy to do this you're like why are you gonna you know or whatever and

like also i lost my dad to cancer everything is not a fucking problem i'm always like what are we upset about like sometimes i'm around you know people in my life who just like have never gone through anything so i'm like what are we bitching about we're good you know what i mean like everybody chilled the fuck out people were like like what happens if blank like i don't know then we'll just deal with that then yeah there's yeah just yeah push it off until it's like a gigantic problem but you know that's what i'll worry and bury shit till i have an ovarian cyst you know what i mean like i will live that life all that crippling has a reflux but i won't put that on you you know what

it is we're good you push it all the way down until you get that good toe clean that's right yeah all right so you got the cruise but we think that's booked What else? The podcast is out? Absolutely not You're on tour Last time I was here I was promoting Radio City But literally that was a year ago today It's so crazy we like wrapped the tour That was a year ago already?

Yes I know and then we wrapped the tour I did like 85 cities and my bones are broken My leg is not, my pussy's full My pussy's full Bush is flexed My for a minute. My pussy's full. Bush is flexed. My new, you know, what am I doing this summer? I'm going to be helping y'all find love. Starting a riot in Central Park for single women.

You know, I'm saving the world. The election's coming up in November and I've got work to do. I'm telling you. How's acting going? I know you're working on some stuff. It's great. What did I see you in working on some stuff. It's great. What did I see you in?

God only knows. Three Things. I've been in Three Things. Was it with Nina Dobrev? Yeah, Love Hard. Love Hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was great.

That was great. And if you go back and watch... Was that Jimmy O. Yang too, right? Jimmy O. Yang is that. Yeah, that was great. I watched that on the Vineyard on Christmas. If you go back and watch some BET shows and Tyler Perry, I always play the slutty white girl. I've seen you on BET, right?

I always play the controversial white girlfriend. So hence why I will end up with a black man. But yeah, I mean, what am I doing? My show didn't get picked up at NBC. It's one of those things. So now we're pivoting and I'm writing another show. It's all... Always keep it moving.

Always keep it moving. And I audition all the fucking time. That's what will break my marriage. We'll be doing self-tapes with my husband. People don't realize how non-glamorous it is. And it's always

when you go on vacation, you never get the fucking call when you're home and you have a week off. It's always when we're, you know, we're gonna go to Italy next week. I'll get six fucking auditions.

We'll be sweaty in a hotel room and just Jeff's like, you know, we're late for fucking dinner. And I'm like, we were in Australia and I had to audition to play anna nicole smith which project seemed cool i didn't book it i'm very upset that was a dream role that was a miss miss right but it was her when she let herself go which kind of burned me i was like chimp spa baby you know like i was ready

um and we got in such a fight over that he like, this is the worst fake crying I've ever seen. I'm like, you're not my fucking acting coach, Jeff. And he's just like, you know, that's what will break us. This is the worst fake crying I've ever seen. That man was looking for a fight. But he will. He'll just be like, okay, I think you need to take that one again. He's actually gotten really good at acting.

Don't you? You better be right. I would just be like, that was great, honey. They're going to get it. One take, you're good. No, because he wants to keep playing golf. good at acting don't you you better be right i would just like that was great honey they're gonna get one take you're good no because he wants to keep playing golf so he knows he's like we gotta have a steady roll of paint he's like i really don't think you're fighting for this they're like shut the fuck up he's a great dude he's a funny guy but acting it's all you know we're just wheeling a deal i'm gonna make my own show i'm not i don't know if i'm supposed to say

that i'm just gonna make my own show i'm gonna figure it out we're just wheeling a deal I'm gonna make my own show I'm not I don't know if I'm supposed to say that I'm just gonna make my own show I'm gonna figure it out we're just gonna shoot it I was gonna say yeah when it's like fuck NBC do it on the internet yeah we're just doing it I know you gotta like

bankroll it probably yourself but I also feel like you probably can do that and do it on the internet with your rabid fans and be like I'll start a GoFundMe on the cruise

like I'm not worried about it we'll make the money back here's a QR code everybody yeah I'll get enough Venmos after guys see this for photos of Toke Lee they're just like I'm good

I know what I'm doing honestly like in alle Cleavage. Like, I'm good. I know what I'm doing. Honestly, like, in all comedy, you're always taking a risk. I'm like, I've got to take another risk on myself. And I just, I've always done it my own way. You know, I kind of came up on my own. I did my own thing. I'm like, let's just make it. Keep doing it that way.

You don't need networks and labels and all that shit anymore. You really don't. Yeah. But I will absolutely be on a network sitcom if anybody from the big four wants to call me. Trying to get Seinfeld money. You know what I mean? I am not against the man. I will give you a hand job.

Truly, that's what I will. Stop laughing, I'm being serious. Yeah. I was just out in LA doing the Netflix as a joke festival

and it was so funny. We were at Ted Sarando's house who's like, you know, the head of Netflix, right? So we're at this sick house, we're at this brunch, everybody's performing

in the festival and it was like such a social experiment. It felt like a junior high dance. It was like, you know, the head of Netflix, right? So we're at this sick house, we're at this brunch, everybody was performing in the festival. And it was like such a social experiment. It felt like a junior high dance. It was like all the male comedians in a corner and all the female comedians in a corner. And it was literally like, Nikki, Whitney, Chelsea, like everybody's hanging out talking. And we were finally just like, we got to do what the guys did.

They were smart. They all helped each other out. They all fucking got their hands ready. On everybody's podcast. And I was like, that's it. Like, we got to do what they fucking did. Cause that was smart. But there was always like such a small window for,

for chicks to like, you know, get a spot. So now we're all just like, fuck it. Let's all make one giant, like rom-com and throw everybody fucking in it. That's awesome.

We got to fucking do it, you know? And, and that's what we need to do. It begins in central park. It begins in central park. I'm so upset. Cause there are going to be so many fucking perverts.

I'm going to show up to central park. So many men in the bushes. That's a regular day. A bunch of perverts at Central Park. They're going to be like, wait, what? There's something different going on today? This is a regular Tuesday. You are the best. We always love having you on. I love you guys. So wait, literally, was it one year to the day?

Yeah, tomorrow would be the day. What's the date? Is today the 16th? I played the 17th. I played the 17th. It's the 13th. Oh. Why don't we just make a... This weekend. Is it just a leap year? Let's make June 13th Heather McMahon Day.

You have to come here every June 13th. Or like within this week. I would absolutely love that. And you know what? Next year, who knows what my bush is going to look like. But I will show you on the internet. You have to grow your bush starting now for one year, no touching it. And then we'll reveal it.

I can't touch it? Oh, that's not fun. I love you guys. Y'all are the best. Love you too. Thank you so much. Jeff's really upset he wasn't here because he wanted to be on that couch jerking off.

He loves y'all. You understand? He's like, I'm going to miss the guys. Oh, fuck. He loves y'all. Please tell Jeff he's a hell of a guy. Thank you for keeping him entertained and y'all are the best.

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package. That's SimpliSafe.com slash KFC Radio. Get 20% off when you buy the Fast Protect Monitoring. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. What's up, folks? In the spirit of House of Dragons, Game of Thrones coming back, it just got me thinking, what's something from that culture, if you will, that you'd like to see today in modern real life? Maybe it's dragons we have nuclear bombs why not have dragons instead mutually assured destruction with dragons maybe it's i don't know the fashion kind of guys are

guys and girls are pretty pretty dripped out game of thrones yeah i could see feidelberg rocking like a cloak nine to five yeah 5 I think you'd like the fashion I don't know the way they drink and have feasts and stuff like that I think for me it would be have a good night good day women aren't allowed to talk or do anything

what would you like from Game of Thrones life in modern life it would be cool to like uh dragons definitely no no he says that like it's dragons are i'll tell you what the dragons they kind of are like nukes it's it's a good comparison because in even in thrones and house of the dragon it's like we we don't use them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? It's like, fucking use them.

Yeah. But it's like, okay, I'm not going to use it because then they'll use theirs. And it literally is like nuclear war. This is a very tough one. The fashion is... The fashion, I think, is like it looks cool sometimes. What a pain in the fucking ass. Yeah.

Even last week, Allison's having sex with Sir Christian Cole, and they finish up, and they got to put this on and put this cloak on. Can you get my cape for me? I'm putting on my arm guards. I'm pulling on my pantaloons. I got to put my boots on. So a whole fucking production back then. You got musty.

You're dealing with musty areas. It's funny he says feasts because there is something. I think there's something to this because it happens in medieval times. Eating like a big leg of meat, you know, mutton or whatever. I don't know if it's because of like cartoons or movies like this. But like when I was a kid, I was like, I always wanted to do that. And then I took a bite of it at King Richard's Fair, and I was like, I don't want this. I used to do the King Richard's Fair all the time as a kid.

Right, but there's something to that. Why is that? Why do we all want to eat giant fucking legs of meat? Primal, man. Yeah, I really wonder if there is something like that, because then I took a bite, and I was like, there's so much meat left. And it was some weird dark meat shit that I don't a bite and i was like there's so much meat and it was like some weird dark meat shit that i don't like and i was like yeah i'm good feast is a good answer even outside of the style of eating just like i think that's cool to eat in a hall

yeah the big table and stuff like that which is essentially a restaurant but at the same time it felt more collaborative like beer steins you know yeah yeah it felt like the whole restaurant was eating together at a party which would be great sometimes also also terrible a lot of these things are like i'm good for like you know one minute a day yeah i think it's cool that like almost everybody could fight with the sword it seems like like you grew up like learning how to fight with a sword. Yeah. At least I think.

I don't know. Maybe that's only the royals and the knights and shit. But I feel like even the commoners had that thing on. The acceptance of drinking in the morning is sick. You can do that now. I'm just going to stop here. So catch me up on Game of Thrones. The Starks are in it now?

Because I fuck with the Starks. The Starks appeared last week very quickly. Basically, it's House Targaryens fighting within each other, and they are bouncing around to everybody else. They're going to the Vale, going to Storm's End, going to Winterfell. Where's Storm's End? Not like where, but who is it? I don't know.

No? I'm not sure. That one doesn't ring a bell. Yeah, I don't think I know that one yet. And they're being like, you are, you know, come support me and Rhaenyra, and then, or, so you're either supporting King Aegon, who's like a Joffrey type, or you're supporting Rhaenyra, and both sides at this point are pieces of shit.

Rhaenyra is the only person who's a good person. Everyone else is an absolute piece of shit, but I really do think it is, my rewatch of it changed my opinion completely i liked it we did the podcast it was good my rewatch i was like that first season can go up against anything at all the good seasons of thrones yeah it's that like it's it's very dense like every single person is meaningful every single scene is meaningful there's no like like remember sometimes you'd be like i don't want to watch aria like just fucking on that boat for an hour you know there's none of that everything matters to the point that it's almost like put

your phone down stop talking like listen to every word being said because it all really matters so um um i'm trying to think of the things i like about it though and it's limited castle living in a castle would be my answer i think castles are dope castles castles are really cool i i'm not a castle guy but i'm a moat guy which is uh sure not um oh you know what i i uh like courtyards. I love a courtyard. Or like a quarter. Yeah. That is the worst answer in the history of the country.

A courtyard? Now that I've said it, I'm like so full in on it. Okay, what exactly are we, like within a castle, there's a courtyard? Or like a courtyard? Oh my God, I'm so in on a courtyard. Be like, yeah, dude. I'm in on this too. But that's like part of the castle. Yeah, but it's like town squares.

No, no, no, wait. Those are two different things, I feel like. But I'm saying like I accept both. Like when we were in Italy, I remember we kept being like, damn, this is sick plaza. Damn, this is sick plaza. We don't have plazas. Plazas, like a stone ground, maybe a fountain or something in the middle, some well-manicured bushes, and people just kind of walk around and talk.

Yeah, that shit's gas. That shit's very cool. I love a plaza, a courtyard, a walled-in area to congregate. Oh, I know my specific actual real answer, though, that I could really apply to today. The fireplaces back then. They have those fireplaces that are like – Just rooms you can sit on fire? Yeah, you could walk into the fireplace and they sit by that.

They have chandeliers made of candles. I don't even know. That's got to be a fucking nightmare to light that up every time. But yeah, the castle. I like the inside castle. You like the outside castle. Yes, correct. Like have you ever seen the Palace of Versailles?

Yeah. They have like that kind of thing? Where it's like there's like a long rectangular lake. I would say that doesn't fit. No. That's more like a... A reflecting pond. A promenade of some sort.

Yeah, a promenade. Exactly. You like the courtyard. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I like the inside. You like the courtyard. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I like the inside. You like the outside.

That works. I think like a city market where like everyone gets together. You don't like food deserts. I respect that. Exactly what I say. Jackie's for the people. If you're into it, it seems like i could use an episode where they go the whole episode where they go to like the the the like the dark underbelly of the city like they did it a couple times where there's like underground children fighting rings yeah

that shit's crazy and like there's like the brothels and this is where people like fight to the death and like you can get like human meat over here and, like, whatever. I think you could get anything back in the day. You threw a hood on, you just, like, get down there, or you have a couple of silver coins, and you could have yourself a time, dude. All right, next up. What's up, KFC Fights? Listening to last week's episode where you guys were talking about how in Designated Survivor, I think was the show.

The president found out that child brides, marriage between a child, whatever, is technically legal in a bunch of states. And so it made me go and check what obscure. Sure. Technically still in place in the great state of Wisconsin where I'm from. And some of them are pretty good. The one that is very just like Wisconsin dairy, it is illegal for restaurants, schools or prisons to serve margarine instead of butter unless the customer very explicitly requests a butter substitute.

Other ones are cows. Drivers must yield the right-of-way to all livestock, especially cows. And if the animals won't move out of the road, you as the driver are responsible for getting out of your car and pushing them out of the road which seems bananas to me um another fun one is in the city of sheboygan it is illegal to water your lawn in a way that annoys others you know what don't really know what that means um but i kind of love it where yeah your neighbor can just call the cops and be like, yeah, he's bugging me.

I'm getting misted while I'm sitting out on the pad. I don't care about that. Hey, what's he doing? He's in a bear shirt. And what are some weird laws? Do a quick Google in New York. He's on the right path. There should just be, like, I don't care about watering, but it's like,

you can't do anything that pisses off your neighbor yeah how about fucking that you know just all you can't make the noise i don't even think you have to bring neighbors into this you can't be annoying that's illegal done i would make it being annoying illegal right now and i'm sure there will you're annoying like like obviously that's a subjective thing but like it's more along the lines of like the the be normal mantra where it's like if we all get together in a social setting and you're the one doing something that's out of the ordinary you're going to jail yeah you're going to jail for like the night you get put in time out we lock you up in a cage you're not going to jail jail but it's like we all came here to like have a beer and watch the game and you came in like super drunk and crying about your girlfriend something that's like you're you're the

odd man out you're going to jail yeah i mean i've been put in time out by the police before right yes time out by the police it was the curve right it was well it was not like it was we were in a parking lot but yeah he's made me sit on the floor yeah um just sit there for a little bit and we're both like, that sounds right. Good. That seems like a fair and just judgment, sir. You're right. I am acting outrageously.

I am good at that. When I get called on being fucking hammered, I'm like, you're right. You're right. All right. I'll clean it up. But yeah, I would love... Because if you think about it, so I'm thinking of, say you call the police on someone being annoying.

What's the next step? Well, then you got to have a judgment. Kind of a proof thing. You have to prove they're being annoying. Yeah. So then the two parties... I mean, the most successful government I've ever been a part of was probably my high school hockey team where it was like you have a kangaroo court. You sometimes – you have to box the guy.

That's what I said about running for president. One of my first pieces of my platform, it starts with sports but it extends to real life is that there's there's the common sense judge yeah like we said in sports where it's like yeah all right his foot like came off the bag by a millimeter he's out but come on yeah it's a but come on yeah i was like yeah the ball like the nose of the ball moved a little bit he caught the fucking ball with his hands he caught it common sense and then you take that from sports and you apply it to other stuff it's like uh that's what i've said with the sports one they should have someone the person in the booth should not be an expert right it should be someone who's like never watched the sport

and you go did i catch that ball i'm like yeah of course i caught it he's holding it that's it yeah um and like uh what what was there recently? It was something. It was with. Oh, with Diddy. The statute of limitations expired on that video. The assault. Oh, really? That's.

Nope. Nope. Yeah. Like, nope. We caught you. We have video of it. You beat her up. It doesn't matter that it was. It's only two years, by the way.

That's not that long. It's not long. The video was longer than that but like he could have he could have done that to her in 2022 and been away scot-free that's gotta be i look i don't just i don't agree with the law but at the same time what a rush that must be oh it should be like i hit day 366 that one's over with or day whatever i i said 366 i can't do the math with the uh 720 something right yeah so he's 7 7 7 30 7 30 right yeah 7 31 day 7 31 that's gotta be pretty awesome man uh but like stuff like that where it's like

you know no no you're like a pedophile and an abuser you got yeah you got and then people like well it's a slippery slope it's like yeah that's the common sense like if there's if there's a video of you at a bar 10 years ago and you like clock somebody in the face and everyone's fine you're not going to jail there's a video of you ragdolling your girlfriend five years ago you're going to jail it's common sense and I will be the common sense judge

that's the only problem the only thing that you need the common sense judge and it needs to be protected the way that like Vegas odds makers are like you know like those guys are. However they can. That, to me, is almost like a lineage from Game of Thrones. How do you hire the next oddsmakers?

Because they're always so fucking accurate. But they're not. But they are. They are, but they're not. But, like, you know, it's like, I'm just going to go be a gambler. I'm so good at this. Why would I do this for a living? Yeah. Because we're bringing you into our secret society. Same thing with the a gambler. I'm so good at this. Why would I do this for a living? Yeah.

Because we're bringing you into our secret society. Same thing with the common sense judge. You need to be vetted. You need to be the real deal. It's like, do you have common sense? Can you judge others? You have now, I now pass you the torch. Can I say something that I've been trying to figure out?

No. Okay. Viva, right? Because he just said Viva. Something about with the hands. V-I. V-A? Like, how do you make it?

Like, we could do something with this. Oh, boy. You know what I mean? V-I. Jackie, it's like, I mean, it's old. It's like the most famous thing we ever did. We had a big Viva hand thing for a while. Oh.

Well, okay. Oh. I mean it's old it's like the most famous thing we ever did we had a big Viva hand thing for a while oh well okay oh one person one person goes like that and the other person goes like this I'm cutting all this but it is funny because sometimes

people spell the V they did it backwards because they couldn't figure you know you gotta do it almost that is crazy that that's probably 10 years old

yeah that's old enough well I knew about that I guess but like there's something else. There's something here. With one hand? You think you just put one hand up and have... It's like V.

It's like the V. You got to do the... Because like then, but then this one's the I. But the A is the problem because you need it to be the other way. Yeah, because it's upside down, if anything. It was just something I was working on. So there goes the weekend. Jackie's been in a room like fucking Charlie Kelly.

If we bend this finger this way. Jackie is working on a project that I think her working on it is going to be infinitely funnier than even the project itself. I'm so stressed out about it. Can we say it? Yeah. I mean, it's so fucking funny. Jackie has been on a quest to order 2,000 bananas. And she's...

I had one banana guy. He fell through. Got a second banana guy second banana guy like was about to follow through finally looped him back in like these banana guys they're like they're shifty guys everybody knows you can't trust banana you can't trust these bananas and um so then like i'm settling it with him and i was like all, all right, 2,000 bananas booked. Let's get it.

And then I was like, it just, you guys can deliver, right? He was like, no, you have to pick it up yourself. I was like, how the fuck am I? So now I have to figure out how to transport 2,000 bananas. I'm just going to fucking rent a truck. But did you think about loading the truck? How are you going to load 2,000 bananas into a truck? I don't know. Honestly, I'm so stressed out because like 2 000 bananas too

it's like it's so many bananas i think he said it's 92 boxes i was like that sounds wrong didn't you actually narrow it down to 1200 didn't somebody say okay i did but then i did the math wrong okay i need i actually too many bananas i feel like the number was going to be like hundreds No it's not How big of a pool did you get? Not a big pool It's like How high do you want the bananas to be?

Three fourths of the way of the pool So if you do And if you take the volume of the banana So it's pretty deep It's not even that deep It's like 20 inches No it's like 16. But it's not even that deep. It's, like, 20 inches. No, it's, like, 16 inches. So just a little over a foot and, like, you know, like this round?

Yeah, and, like, that big. I know, I know. It does. But then I even asked AI, and they were, like, you need at least 5,000 bananas. I love how you said that like it was a person. I even asked AI. And you're going to peel all these bananas yourself?

Well, that's the other thing. She did a Silicon Valley type experiment. It's like, so I would say it takes like about on average 10 seconds to peel a banana, right? So if you, and if you, but like, then it's like, there's amount of time to like switch the bananas or whatever. So then like, if I got like three people and they like they peel the bananas i added like 30 seconds like i'll give them 30 seconds but like we can't do lunch breaks we can't do chit chat and we can't like you gotta if you're gonna peel these bananas it is head down you don't fucking talk you peel these bananas and then we

can get it done in like five hours so now it's like i gotta run like a sweatshop with these fucking interns it's it's like it's like a drug dealer who has the girls bag it up. I'm just picturing a bunch of people naked just peeling bananas. Nothing else. Just peel, just peel, just peel, just peel. Jackie cracking whips. Yeah. Because also it's like –

Look up. Hands up. I'm now peeling bananas. I think you need an assembly line of banana peeling. Yeah, yeah. Instead of I crack, peel, crack peel peel peel and then i just get another one i think it should be i crack i pass i crack i pass i crack i pass and then those people like peel peel peel peel and it's just like a yeah yeah yeah because that's

the thing with bananas you gotta be quick with it because they start to brown or whatever right so from the five hours it's like when at the fifth hour the person's got to get in yeah yeah and then sales what happens once well sales has the nerve to ask well then what happens next yeah everyone uh i don't know we look at the guy in the fucking pool of bananas yeah duh i don't i don't know what happens next so that's i gotta figure that out but like i guess now and then you've been documenting all this kind of i keep telling her that yeah this is the video the

one way or another we're gonna get a good video out of this either the the video I trust you if you think you got something here let's fucking do it

and if not let's have the document the document documentary documentary yeah I said

it's like Barstool used to be like, let's just fucking do some shit. Yeah. I don't know. Let's fucking get in a banana pool and see what happens. I don't know. People will probably go, that's fucking weird. But I don't know. I think that's cool.

We're agonizing over sales and social and the budget and this. She's worried about food waste. I don't know. I told her, if somebody gets mad about it, I will donate the same amount of money to a food bank. Fucking done. Because if somebody's like, you're wasting bananas, we are not wasting them. We are using them just in a very unconventional way. We're using them to bring joy.

They're wasting water when they race in the pool exactly there you go that's a great fucking is the olympics wasting water i don't think so does michael does michael uh michael phelps have to go to uh flint and fix the water problem i don't think so it was a whole also like with my first banana guy i i tried to get like the costco the ones that they were gonna i was telling you this like the ones that they were gonna throw away she tried to get i tried to get the old bananas they also were like i don't really understand the question like why do you need that many old bananas but then then he was like okay yeah but you can call like the um the food banks or whatever and like get it from them and i was like well now i'm taking the

bananas from the homeless people so it's actually better that i'm taking the good bananas from the you know the health the people the normal people yeah you're taking from like a hoity-toity mother in the suburbs it's like robin who's like looking like oh i'm just putting in a pool you are the robin hood of bananas yeah we'll make a ton of banana bread after and we'll give it to the home show and nobody will know that it's been in feidelberg's armpit. People are saying there's probably some of your fans that we could sell it on OnlyFans. I would disagree with that. If there is, I'm literally quitting.

I do not want to entertain those people. Unfollow, unsubscribe. If you eat banana bread or buy John's banana waste, I don't want to know. So yeah, this is, you know, what are we calling it? The, what did you call it?

The tub, right? I think we should just call it the tub. The tub. And I don't know, maybe ask some questions. Maybe we'll tub. The tub. The tub. And I don't know. Maybe ask some questions. Maybe we'll throw things at you while you sit there. I don't know. Figure it out.

Like a water gun? Sure. I don't know. I was thinking we'd throw rocks at them or something. Every question you skip, you have to eat whatever you're in. Yeah, that's what people were saying. Take a bite. Yeah, get a question wrong.

Yeah. Just bite. You're going to eat it regardless, I know. Yeah. Just bite. You're going to eat it regardless. I know. Yeah. Dude, during the dozen, our first match is sponsored by Portillo's. Portillo's is unbelievable. Yeah, very good. Portillo's is so fucking good.

Those beefs are so good. That's the yin and yang of Chicago. No Ubers, but Portillo's. Yeah. But the first day, we were the last match of the day. So we were at 6.40.m whatever 7 30 something like that and um the advertising had been on our tables or wherever you sit the whole time and we got a question right and i got jacked up and excited so i ate my hot dog been there for like nine hours

everyone was like oh and you were like that's not it that's like you think that i have a problem eating nine hour old food you're that's just called like tuesday yeah i, that's light work. If you think that I have a problem eating nine-hour-old food, you're nuts. That's just called, like, Tuesday. That's called dinner. Honestly, it was delicious. It was really, really great. I have absolutely no regrets about that. But then afterwards, all the girls saying that, oh, my God, that was so disgusting.

I said, if you thought I took a bite of that hot dog and wasn't thinking, this is going to gross these chicks out. I'm a very calculated man. I know exactly what I was doing. I always think of the scene in Sunny when Mac's like, don't paraphrase me. I choose my words very carefully. I choose what I eat not very carefully,

but I know what I'm doing when I do it. How are you doing with your muscle milk? Fine. I mean, you saying that muscle milk doesn't go bad from a trusted former GNC employee, I felt much better afterwards. Honestly, the only thing I've ever known is it goes bad. I mean, it has milk in the word. Yeah, there's no milk in it. It's like Nesquik.

But it's like, yeah, but it's still a – Nesquik can go bad. It can go bad, but it's different than milk going bad. Yes, yes. It's not it's different than milk going bad yes it's not like a rotten like living bacteria right right right um the uh

yeah but also that was a lie that was some GNC guy covering his ass I went to return I actually just asked it was like I had started working out again

when I was like 18 or whatever and I had some protein that I bought when I was 16 and it expired and I was like can I still eat this and he was like

I would not I should have eaten are expired. I was like, can I still eat this? He was like, I would not. I should eat it. Are you working out? Yeah, I'm working out. Paz looks great, dude. Have you been working out or are you just starting? I've been working out for about six months now, yeah. Paz was in the – oh, yeah, we worked out at the office on Sunday when we were editing.

We both – we couldn't get in the hotel gym, so we both worked out at the office. And I was like, damn, Paz is looking fucking good. It's okay. It's a job. worked out at the office and i was like damn i was looking good i feel like i'm reaching the point in life where everybody is working out because you just eventually reach like a breaking point of like it can't be disgusting forever but uh but my breaking point is not here yet and now i'm annoyed that everybody else hit the breaking point it's like it's like it's like uh everybody drinking and you're the guy who's still drinking.

Fuck, man. Thank you. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.