KFC Radio - How to Get Into Heaven, Cancel My Subscription Monica, and Lindsey Vonn

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

The Feitelbergs try to play Answer The Internet over Thanksgiving, John tries to cancel a subscription, the Jets do Jets things, and the lowkey most depressing pop song ever. Spoiler free review of "The Irishman" and are the Patriots in trouble? VOICEMAILS: eat ass or sandwich, how to get into heaven, porn tutorials. Lindsey Vonn stops by to discuss her new documentary, overcoming injuries, and being the best athlete but the 2nd best dressed in her relationship with PK SubbanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by Truly Hard Seltzer. It's the holidays, which means you're pretty much going to be buzzed or drinking until January 1st, 2nd? And then you're like, well, wait a minute, it's New Year. And then, like, keep drinking, it's the winter. And then all of a sudden it's like, well, it's February. It definitely sucks.

Let's keep drinking. And then in March there's like a 50-degree day that creeps up. You're like, oh, it's springtime. Let's go get a drink. And then all of a sudden it is springtime. And then summertime you're drinking. And the next thing you know it's Black Friday again. That's about how it goes.

Right? I mean, that's life. Yeah, I've had a couple of years where I'm like, all right, I'll tone it down next season. That started back in 2014. It's like being an athlete. You know what I mean? It's like, all right, shut it down. I'll get good next year season. That started back in 2014. It's like being an athlete. You know what I mean? It's like, all right, shut it down. Like, I'll get good next year.

You know what I mean? I've had the nagging injuries. No, it's pretty much a constant thing. And the only difference is that truly came along, revolutionized the game, and put vodka soda in the can. Gave you a little hard seltzer, which makes it a little warm in there, right? That Teddy Sherpa keeps you warm, baby. Keeps you warm.

Make sure you go get your Sherpa hoodies right now at the Barstool Sports Store. But truly came along. And, you know, if you don't want to drink 15 beers anymore, and you're not in the mood for wine, or you're not in the right setting to drink wine, to be honest, I don't believe in settings. You can just drink whatever you want whenever you want. Agreed.

K. Marco just came out with his book of drinks, and I think the overall message there should be, look, everybody drinks different things here. It doesn't matter. Yeah. It's very simple. So drink truly. Don't be an asshole.

Drink truly when you're at the beach. Drink whatever you want. Drink it when you're at your house. Drink it when you're out. Drink it with dinner. Drink it whenever you want because spiked seltzer is, you know, the biggest revolution in drinking since, I'd say, Fireball. Would you agree with that?

Whoa. Yeah? I mean, if I'm doing drinking timelines, there's Fireball. Date it back to hard lemonades. That was a big moment, I'd say. Then I think Fireball. I think drinking was pretty normal. Then Fireball came along and changed the game,

and now Hard Seltzer came along and changed the game. They're strong companies to be in contention with. Not contention with, but conversation with. Yeah. They are 100 calories, 5% ABV. They got the citrus pack, the berry pack, the tropical pack. All your different flavors. You can drink them any time of year.

Go get yourself a truly hard seltzer we're back in action um i used to call this was one of my classic top five worst days of the year and top five that was 365 long? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Top five days, 365 long. But the thing that happened with the top five days of the year is they started to all be such bad days once you get married and have kids and life just sucks. So the top five days truly became like the other 365.

It was just like, whatever. That is a great day. But then – I have a am completely opposite. So, so now I'm coming all the way around where it's like, it's great to get out of there. Like I was doing family shit for a fucking week. Three Tuesday to Sunday.

I was, I was watching your kids. I was watching my kids. I'm dealing with my mom. I'm dealing with my ex. I'm doing all sorts of shit. And I'm like, you know what?

Just get me back in the studio, man. This is where I know this is my comfort zone get me back to work it's now a top top five day yeah it's a great day i i totally agree with that i i think the holiday is a great day as well but then i think there's even my mom was like on thursday she's like still a few more days it's enough yeah probably that surprises me zero percent see probably being being like, I have to cook like for 30? Get the fuck out of here. And she made the mistake too. She had a party last night.

I couldn't stay for it, but she had like a family party last night. And I was like, she was cooking when I left yesterday morning. And I was like, you having another party tonight? Yeah. And it's for her. Both her parents have passed away. And it's kind of like they both passed away around the same time. So they go to mass and then they come home and have dinner and stuff.

And she was like, yeah. I just didn't realize it was Thanksgiving weekend. We already did the family party. It was three days ago. I didn't put it together. Because Thanksgiving was late this year. Right. Well, it is.

I mean, I went full-blown Buddy the Elf last night on my apartment. Because it's like, boom, you're in December. It was so late that it's just like, it's Christmas time now. What do you mean you went Buddy the Elf last night on my apartment. Because it's like, boom, you're in December. It was so late that it's Christmas time now. What do you mean you went Buddy the Elf? Let me show you. I had people asking me that. Crazy questions. Do you put a Christmas tree in your apartment?

My apartment, where I live with two adult men? No, I don't think so. We don't put up Christmas trees in the light. Bro, check this out. That's so much work, dude. New low for me. New low. Huh?

Gold. Yeah, go check out Barstool Gold. Barstoolgold.com slash KFC. I will put up my boomerang. New low for me. I got sore putting up Christmas decorations. Jesus. Because it was so much like, first of all, first of all, I exposed, I uncovered a scam, my friends.

Because much like yourself, I haven't really done Christmas decorating on my own. It's always been something that a mother or a wife or some female in my life has supplied. And then I would partake in it and I really enjoyed it. But I've never like been the one buying the shit or getting the shit. I know where to get it right well So where you find things like that? Let me let me tell you let me you know I didn't even think about doing this, but let's do this I I took the kids to Target Cuz I needed to buy shit for them buy toys for them to keep them fucking quiet like their birthdays

His birthday's coming and it's Christmas. I'm like I'm buying you gifts now, so you shut the fuck up So we go to Target and as I'm walking through Target., and it's Christmas. I'm like, I'm buying you gifts now, so you shut the fuck up. So we go to Target. And as I'm walking through Target, I see the Christmas section. I'm like, oh, shit. I got to get a tree. Trees? Pretty expensive.

I'm not doing the real shit. I mean, I never do the real shit, but I'm certainly not now. Don't. Nope. Nope. Then you need to go buy the other one. Okay. You got to go real. Get the fuck out of here.

Where am I going to go real? Any street corner in New York City. I don't live in New York City. But you – We want to put a fucking goddamn tree on the train to get it back to Westchester. You have an SUV. You want me to drive into the city to buy a real... You drive to see all the time.

No, I don't anymore. I only did that for one summer when I was getting divorced because I was depressed and I hated the commute. I don't do it anymore because I got a million tickets. I always go fake. I don't like real. I don't care. We can do that debate until the cows come home. I think it's stupid. It dies. It smells. I don't like real. I don't care. We can do that debate until the cows come home. I think it's stupid. It dies. It smells.

I don't like the smell. Whatever. Who doesn't like the smell? I don't like the smell. I was walking into work today. I think it's weird that people like the smell of pine cones. I was walking to work today, and I was like, I walked by, again, any street corner in New York City, and I was like, this really kind of makes it even for the homeless pissy smell

in the summer. It is just delightful walking around the city right now. I will admit that it obviously evokes feelings of Christmas and whatnot, but the actual smell, I don't care for it. I'd rather like, when I get the scented candles, I get the cookies one. Christmas cookies. I don't get the pine needles. You don't hang the pine one in your car?

No. That's the only one we ever had. Pine. No. I mean, listen. Agree to disagree whenever. It's like Republican and Democrat. You're either team fake or team real.

But they also come pre-lit now, and those are pretty expensive. It was like $450 for a pre-lit tree. So I was like, not going to do that. So I bought the fake but not pre-lit, and then I just bought the strands, which admittedly, though, I was like, that looks pretty fucking nice. You just put it up, and the lights are there, and you're done. But two things. One one it's too expensive two i feel like i was cheating myself out of uh uh dad rage i was like i'm gonna i'm gonna deal with this giant spool of fucking lights and i'm gonna have to wrap it up for the rest of my life so i plug it in

immediately one chunk doesn't work it even said on these things like it's all brand new phillips led if one bulb goes out the rest of them still work nope it was like balled up into three sections and one whole section doesn't work so immediately i now check before hanging them and i and i ripped the box open yeah i'm learning here so i plug it in and immediately i have inanimate object rage and i'm just like oh fuck this is why you buy the pre-lit ones and i'm thinking to myself between like the amount of money i spent on the the lights and now having to go buy like another thing of lights it probably was about the same amount as the fucking pre-lit tree but um um yeah i feel like that's

like a like a rite of passage just like be be outraged at this fucking tree real or fake that you bring into your home and put fucking decorations on what a fucking crazy tradition that is but it looks nice now and now you're for a month so yeah yeah so i got it early then the train track the train tracks was all that was a whole fucking thing too trying to hook these trains together snowflakes it was uh and you know that my kids are gonna love it for like 30 seconds yeah oh cool don't care twice oh a thousand percent it's like right it's like in the spot they play i don't know what i was fucking thinking there but uh yeah it's it's like full-blown christmas already Thanksgiving being so late. So happy times.

It's the holidays. Cheerful season. But, yeah, so I think it's like top five day of the year, although I did particularly enjoy this break early on. Usually by the end of any break I'm ready to go back to work. But early on I thought the Irishman was a good. I haven't seen it. I haven't found four hours yet. I haven't seen it. Good.

I haven't found four hours yet. I know. That's the problem. But it really was a good. They timed it out really well, like having it drop onto Netflix. It was. It was the talk of town. Oh, that's.

I mean. Every family member was like, have you seen The Irishman yet? No. I don't know what I've been doing. The fact that you could not find time for TV. The times. They are. I really don't know what I've been doing. The fact that you could not find time for TV, the times, they are changing. I really don't know what I was doing. They are changing. I have no idea.

I did work out every single day. I saw because you think you're going to be in Miami with the Patriots. Are you getting nervous? No, I'm not nervous. I think you should be a little bit nervous this time. I'm not going to go Max Kellerman, but there is a difference this year, and it's that Tom Brady and the offense is bad. I said Brady's not bad.

I still think it's crazy to blame Brady for anything. I think that maybe he is worth 7% of the problem. I don't think he's like – he's not missing throws. He was just running wrong routes. Dan Orlowski had a great breakdown yesterday where it was like Brady threw a ball 30 yards where no one was even near it and they don't don't dan oloski did the breakdown he's like look at he's supposed to be there he's like he makes a clear sign that philip dorset does like the shotgun or the gun things like that means double move philip dorset doesn't see it because he's not looking at the quarterback doesn't do the double

move ball's nowhere near obviously brady's pissed about that and it's like yeah i get that i think i think i think people should be very careful with their end of tom brady takes because i mean as always there but this year in particular because he has a third string center offensive line has been in disarray receiving core has been absolute disarray i don't think there aren't balls they're looking really he doesn't have zip on it he's not like it's not like yeah dead arm new right it's like a manning thing where this guy is fucking done and then he'll looking really like he doesn't have zip on it. He's not like, it's not like a dead arm. Right. It's like a Peyton Manning thing where it's like, this guy is fucking done. And then he'll do things like he did in the fourth quarter yesterday where it's like, I marched the field twice. And it's like, I think there's play calling.

I think there's a lot of problems with the offense. I think, I think they're, uh. Isn't that, isn't that different though? What? Like whether or not it's directly Brady's fault or not, the offense being, uh, like pretty fucking bad. Pretty bad, yeah. That stat, the top most punts this season, Bears-Jets-Pats.

Yeah, that's crazy. That's crazy. Well, Jake Bailey's a stud. We probably just want to get him on the field as much as possible. I just feel like it's two signs. One, being the offense. Two, I mean, losing to the Texans when they pull a Halloween move. I know.

If that can happen, then they can finally lose in the playoffs. And I actually kind of mean, these are things where the blog brain is stupid, but I think it matters that the Texans did their usual dummy, corny-ass shit, and it worked. It worked, but they didn't lose. I've had concerns. I said last night that there were two games this year

that I thought were going to be Patriot games, where they're going to show up, just run show, be like, you guys are fucking crazy. You doubted us. And those games were Baltimore and Houston. They lost their two Patriot games. Those were not. Next week, we have Kansas City.

So next week, they might go and beat Kansas by 40 points. And then we'll all be like, what the fuck were you talking about on Monday? I feel like, I know they didn't have home field last year with the Chiefs, but I feel like home field is really gonna matter this year. If they don't figure out their offense and shit. If this team... This team needs to be in Foxborough, I think.

I think a better thing would be health. I think it doesn't matter where you play as long as... Like, Dorsett hasn't practiced in two weeks. Mohamed Sanu hasn't practiced in two weeks. Mohamed Sanu just got on the team. Or has he not practiced but played? He's been injured on and off.

There have been just so much sort of revolving door every weapon where like I'd rather you guys maybe stay healthy, rest of the game, and get healthy and then play in Baltimore. Is this a Tomatoes year? Yeah, I think so. You'll be like, are you – What do you mean by that? See you in January. I will see you in January. Like you're laughing all the way.

Like are you – when the people – when Max Kellerman – not Max Kellerman because we all laugh at him. But when the takes come out today and when everybody is like, you know, this could be it, are you fully kicked back laughing like KFC Radio 2013 laughing at us like your guys are fucking idiots? If you're saying this is it for the Patriots dynasty, yes, I'm laughing at you. If you're saying the offense has serious concerns, then no, I'm not laughing at that. So you will win the Super Bowl this year? We will be in the Super Bowl this year, yeah. Will you win the Super Bowl this year? Yeah.

Who's it, Jimmy G? I mean, you know. You know what, I'll say this. I think if you make it to the Super Bowl, you win the Super Bowl. Yeah. Who's it? Jimmy G? I mean, you know. I think, you know what? I'll say this. I think if you make it to the Super Bowl, you win the Super Bowl. Yeah. But I don't. The question is.

I think there's. Lamar Jackson is a fucking freak. He also threw a 76 yard this week. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. He's got the weirdest neck situation going. Have you noticed that?

It's not like one of those like shoulder neck things. It's like up here. So you've got like. He's fucking huge. He's crazy. I Have you noticed that? It's not like one of those like shoulder neck things. It's like up here. So you've got like, he's fucking huge. He's crazy. I haven't noticed that. His whole head situation is very weird. 76 yards. That's not very many. It was something, I believe that was accurate. It's something very close to that.

If it's not, I'm going to double check that really quick. And don't get me wrong. What he does is a lot more than just throw the football. But that's not the first time we've seen something like that before. I was thinking that it's not even just playoffs. I think that people see it and then you start. Usually the NFL gives you one year. And then it's like, what are you doing in year two?

By the playoffs. By the playoffs. If Bill's already seen you, I think that's basically a year. And I think it'll be interesting to see what happens. Because it is. Patrick Mahomes was a monster. Patrick Mahomes is still really good. He's that's basically a year. Yeah. And I think it'll be interesting to see what happens then. Because it is. Like, Patrick Mahomes was a monster. Patrick Mahomes is still really good. He's not lighting the world on fire again.

You had that one year where it was like, oh, this is some new shit. Yeah. The, uh... Are you missing Gronk? Yeah. I mean, we're missing everybody. We're missing a lot of our good players.

I feel like that is a, uh... You know, that matters. I feel like it kind of, in the beginning, I was like, doesn't even matter that they're fucking legendary tired. 105. We ended up with 105. It kind of does matter. I feel like it kind of, in the beginning, I was like, it doesn't even matter that they're fucking legendary tired. It kind of does matter, I feel like. But, yeah, we're missing

time is a flat circle. Especially, I mean, the Jets losing that game. To an 0-11 team. 0-11. I didn't see any of it. I followed along on Twitter. John, the game was over, like, right away. Like, it was over. It wasn't even, like, that's the only thing, like,

and I definitely know, like, Sam Darnold has, like, never let a comeback, like, ever. He's either, like, great for the day against a shitty team and it's a blowout, or they lose. Because he, that's, once the going gets tough, like, the team just folds. 0-11. 0-11, John.

Like, even when the Dolphins were 0-7. First team ever, right, to lose to folds. 0-11. 0-11, John. Even when the Dolphins were 0-7. First team ever to lose to an 0-7 and an 0-11. First team to ever lose to two teams 0-7 or worse. Ever. Trey Wingo hit me with that one. I was like, thank you very much, Miss Lippy! Thank you for that! But yeah, that was my first thought as I was watching the game.

We lost to the winless Dolphins and the winless Bengals. They are. That is the most goddamn Jets ever. And I, you know me, I'm the most. I can't win. When I'm like, when I'm accurately like, this team always disappoints. We suck. We're going to lose.

Everyone's like, you're the worst fan. Why don't you root for them? And then this week, I was like, no, you know what? This is different. Sam Darnold's different. He's healthy. They're going to handle this team. What are you, a fucking moron?

How did you have any faith in them? You can't win. The lesson is you cannot win being a Jets fan. Like, obviously. Why don't you just become a new fan? Seriously considering it. That's why I went out and got all those Christmas gifts, Christmas decorations.

I was like, fuck this. Fuck this. I'm going out. I'm going to have some Christmas cheer. Fucking bring happiness into this world. Because the Jets aren't going to do it for me. I left yesterday because I couldn't do the Patriots anymore. I mean, that's what sports does.

Sports kind of just ruins things for you. Ruins life. It was tough. It was a tough game to watch. It was, I don't know. But also, I think if you are slandering the Patriots, watch your mouth. Omaha steak season is here. Like I said, it is the Christmas season.

There's a few times a year when you know it's Omaha season. It's around Father's Day and Christmas time because that's what your dad wants. And like I said, pre-Thanksgiving, turkey overrated, filet mignon, not. So as we hit the Christmas season and you're doing the Christmas dinners the steak comes into play and that's where Omaha comes into play you get four six out six ounce bacon wrap filet mignons you get four premium pork chops you get four

Omaha steak burgers four potatoes all gratin four caramel apple parlors you get the Omaha steak signature signature seasoning and they're going to throw in a six piece cutlery set which I know a lot of guys out there, like, did you have a cutlery when you moved into your apartment? Do you have cutlery now?

No, right? What kind of question is that? So next time you get, you know, like, if you're going to get some food, you might as well get some fucking cutlery with it. Yeah. I could eat some cutlery. Right? Like, all of a sudden.

Omaha sent me a bunch of meats. I did not get any cutlery. You need the cutting board and the cutlery. Yeah, that would be nice. You know what? You get this it's supposed to be for your dad or your uncle or your brother get this if you're like a single guy

you don't have any food in your apartment now all of a sudden you can cook a nice steak dinner for some girl and give her actual silverware I've been on a pork kick you know what so get it with John we'll split it I keep the steaks you keep the pork chops everyone's happy so no matter who you're buying it for, even just yourself, it's $69.99,

which is all the food and the cutlery for free. So you've got to just use the promo code KFC. Go to OmahaSteaks.com. Use the promo code KFC. Get all that meat, all that food, and the cutlery at OmahaSteaks.com. The Irishman was I don't have any take that you haven't heard yet, but it's all

very true. It's like it's a good movie. It's way too long, but at the same time, there's not like a, you know, like Wedding Crashers when there's that whole thing with on the boat. It's like we didn't need this. You can chop a whole section of the movie out and it still all makes sense. This is just a long ass story to tell. It's like you we didn't need this. Like, you can chop, like, a whole section of the movie out, and it still all makes sense.

This is just a long-ass story to tell. It's like, you got to get Jimmy Hoffa, and you got to explain the unions, you got to explain the mob, and, like, you know, there's nothing I would be like, get rid of that whole thing. So it's long, but it's, like, kind of necessary. The de-aging thing is crazy. I don't understand why people, why,

it should have been one of those things where you use it, and then you see it, and you should immediately be like, oh no, nope, shut this down. We gotta get a new actor. Do you remember the very first trailer or whatever? When Pesci's like, talk to the kid, and he hands it to De Niro. I remember being like, what?

I don't get it. Why is he calling him kid, and why does he have blue eyes? So from the very first thing I ever saw from The Irishman, I remember being like, what? I don't get it. Why is he calling him kid? And why does he have blue eyes? And like, so from the very first thing I ever saw from the Irishman, I was confused. And then it all played out on screen. And like the scene that I tweeted out where they're fighting, where he's beating the guy up. I avoided everything.

I haven't seen anything. You've got to watch this one scene. Because it is it's like for a real filmmaker filmmaker for a legendary film cast and everything for this to be included is blatantly preposterous and like a lot of the stuff like i said when they're calling him kid it's weird when uh when like he's just the way he moves and shit it's bad but this is i is laughable. I just finished up The Irishman. It took me two and a half days to watch it.

I swear to God, I'm not even exaggerating. He's going down to the deli to beat up a guy who was rude to his daughter. I had a little bit of free time. Good movie. Still too long. Whatever. But this right here, this is the worst movie. This is the worst scene in movie history.

It is preposterous that they included this. Watch him kick him. Watch this. Old man De Niro. I mean, what? What? Like, how bad? That's worse than bad wrestling.

Oh, my God. He made the cut in a three-and-a-half-hour movie. 90-year-old De Niro trying to play a young guy. How bad? That scene looks like a pretty good video game. In a three and a half hour movie. 90 year old De Niro trying to play a young guy. That's bad. That scene looks like a pretty good video game. You know, like where the graphics are really good, but it's just like everything's still a little off. Like an old Grand Theft Auto.

It's crazy how you watch that and how anyone watches that and be like, we probably cut that from Making a Gambler. Right. Like, ah, this doesn't look good. It looks terrible. Like at one point he's got to get rid of a gun and and he throws it, and he throws it like an old man. He's like... I mean, and that's, like,

the blatant stuff, but Pesci calling him kids weird whenever he's supposed to. He's 75, I think. He's playing a 30-year-old at points. First of all, you have Leonardo DiCaprio

in your bag of tricks, Scorsese. Just have him be the young guy. Or, I thought it would have been even cooler if there was, like, a real new guy. Like, I mean, didn't they kind of do that with De Niro? Wasn't at one point he like, the new guy for Marlon Brando and those kind of guys? Like, at some point, you gotta fucking

use someone else. Like, it would be like a very cool, like, you know, this is all the old guys, but we're gonna touch this guy for you know, he's carrying the torch now. This was just like, five old dudes who were like, nope, it's us, and we're going to do it. We always do it. I've seen the anti-aging stuff in use

in that Will Smith movie, which was bad. But also, that doesn't work because Will Smith hasn't really aged that much. He has, but this is like an old white man trying to be a young white man. It just looks fake. You can tell.

It's almost like it's like avatar stuff yes it's like you have the idea the technology's not there this is not ready yet the idea is to make good actors young again i don't know what to tell you it's not very innovative like oh i wish this guy was young again someone said to me uh yeah it's acting he's 75 year old he's he's portraying a a young man, the way you portray a murderer. Like, well, one of these things looks like something, and the others are like a frame of mind or a mentality or doing something. Like, you can't look like something you're not. You're not going to portray a black guy.

Right, right. Just get a black guy to do it. Thousand percent. Or, I mean, like, if you're like 50, you probably could do this, you know, like de-aging. This is like you took your grandpa and you tried to make him into your son. It doesn't fucking work. If they're going to try new graphical stuff, why wouldn't they just have a

young guy do it and try to put a de-aged De Niro's face on it? Then I still think that that would look weird. At least the body would move, right? You know what it is? It's this. When your arm is out and bent, that's the old man. I thought that was because John McCain got fucking hung up when he was in prison,

but I think all old men just do this. That's how Ursa walks? Ursa walks like he's a scarecrow. Yeah, Ursa just hunched over. Like at any moment, they're about to do the robot. Ursa walks like a toy, Like at any moment they're about to do the robot. But I mean it's like – Ursa walks like a toy but that you were like – you were intentionally trying to make it walk deformed. Where you're like an action figure.

Like I bet it's weird if I'm bent I'm like this. That's how Ursa just lives life. At the end of the day, like I can admit that like there's so many like Scorsese stans who are like defending this. It's just like no. I thought it was a good movie I also I was just interested in Jimmy Hoffa if you're not like that movie sucks you know it's just like because it is a historical movie this time so if you're not

into that you're not going to like it it was too long it was too weird but it's still a good movie I don't know why people can't like just say that it's got to be either the greatest ever or no it fucking sucks maybe I will see it I'll be standing there fucking punching the face next episode but the some dude did come up

with a very good way to do it in four parts I saw that which is like first of all it is kind of funny it is long but like

there are people will sit through like ten episodes of a season oh no problem but I think there is something when you're like this is

I'm gonna see this start to finish and you're just like in movie mode it does feel longer but it does break up into four parts nicely if you wanted to do that but uh and the other thing i just saw as i was walking to work today all the subway ads it's like from the creator of and it's like

the departed corlitos way goodfellas and it's just like yep he just made another one of those like it is kind of like you just do this all the time and that's fine but and it's good but it is funny when people are talking about Scorsese, and it's like, well, he just makes, like, a mobster movie,

all the time. And they're good, though. Yeah. Like, stick with what you know. it's like Michael Bay makes a lot of explosions. Right.

That works. I like Michael Bay. Stick with what works. Yeah, that, that would be my only, uh, you know what,

I thought the hardest part for me was, with the movie, uh, like, Pacino hating Italians. Doesn't work for me. No. He's like, you fucking guinea motherfucker wops.

And it's like, nah, you're Italian. And I know De Niro, like, I think De Niro's like part Irish. People are like, no, but he is Irish. Like, still, these guys are Italians and they're like hating Italians. Pacino's name is probably, he's so Italian, he's probably named Alberto. Oh, guaranteed. That's Pacino's full name, Alberto Pacino. But yeah, you should give it a watch.

I'm interested to see. I'll probably watch it tomorrow. Alfredo. Even worse! You fucking did it, Pacino! That's unbelievable! Wait, that's not a stage name? His name is really Alfredo Pacino?

Alfredo James Pacino. I'm stunned he didn't go by Alfredo Pacino. That should have been his name his whole career. Oh, I fucking knew it. The Godfather featuring Alfredo Pacino would have made it even better. I knew it wasn't Albert. I knew it wasn't Albert. It certainly wasn't Alex.

Alex Pacino. Nope. That's unreal, Alfredo. But one of the reasons I haven't had time. I'm going to do it tomorrow probably. But one of the reasons I haven't had time. This is very, very funny. Oh, we got.

Is it Finalberg story time? I have funny. It's not hilarious. When I say Finalberg, do I mean like, am I getting Finalberg family story time? No, no, no, no, no. This is just me. Because I do get excited when Polly and people come into play. Because I'm like, we might get a classic.

No, no, no. No, this isn't a classic. Story hour, though. Don't get me going with that. Come on, turn the episode off now. That's fine. It's brought to you by Mint Mobile. Fucking Mint.

You are still using big wireless. What are you? Is this like 1992? This is like back when De deniro was actually 30 years old you're gonna pay for all this you're gonna your bills probably through the roof and you don't know what you're paying for this is like back in the day i feel like they used to get away with this back in the day because it was like you were just so happy you could like make a phone call or do long distance that you just pay whatever all these charges all these fees like whatever it's

magic i'll pay whatever not anymore okay don't they just take you for granted because uh there's inflated inflated prices hidden fees all that nonsense getting taken advantage for and that's where mint mobile comes in they provide the same premium network coverage you're used to but at a fraction of the cost because everything is online online it saves you on retail locations and overhead so because they don't have any uh storefronts they pass all those savings directly on to you. You can easily cut down your wireless bill. Oh, my God. $15 a month.

Your boy might be hitting up Mint Mobile. $15? Are you kidding me? And the most important fact here is Ryan Reynolds has bought a controlling stair net. So he owns now 25% of the company. And has Ryan Reynolds ever lied to you? Has he ever failed at all? Well, we won't talk about Green Lantern. We'll talk about bad CGI.

Alanis Morissette was a weird phase, too. But whatever. Other than that, he's killing it now. I just saw Jackie Lopez. It was dope. Shout out to Alanis. Would you marry Alanis? Probably.

I'll go down to a theater, but that's about it. Anyway, Ryan's down. So Blake is down. We're down with it. Mint Mobile. You can choose between plans of 3, 8, or 12 gigabytes of 4G LTE data. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan. Keep the same number, all your contacts.

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of let themselves go or whatever i was i was healthy i exercised every day i got a new phone i ran errands fuck off um fuck you man but one of the things i decided when i got my new phone was like you know what i pay so much extra money for stuff that i just forgot about because i think like one of the nights we've been talking about it my family was like oh yeah you get the subscription services and you know all you just forget i'm, my family was like, oh, you get those subscription services and you just forget. I was like, I'm going to clean up my subscription stuff. I am going to take care of

things I'm paying $15 a month for, $20 a month for. I'm too afraid to do that. One of them, I'm not going to name the website. King.com! No, it was not King.com. I checked checked that one out it turns out i got a new credit card at some point so that one's canceled yeah but it was a pornographic pornographic

pornographic and uh i i had to go into as first of all boy oh boy do they make it tough for you like oh you got four different times sign up for a new thing to do authorization codes all this stuff and i finally get to the end of the line and they're like, you have a VIP subscription. Which, who the fuck do I think I am buying VIP subscriptions? And you can't cancel a VIP subscription this way. You have to do a live chat. So I was like, oh boy. Mind you, I'd been getting up to

exercise and stuff like that. It is about 7.30 in the morning, Thanksgiving morning. And you were gonna live chat with some pornoff fucking, like, you know... I'm live chatting and I'm not and I was determined. I was like, I'm canceling this. So I fucking fire up a live chat. I'm like, what's up?

I'd like to cancel my subscription service. They reply, hi, Monica here. Love to help you. I was like, I don't need to know who's on the other line here. I could be talking to a robot. You don't need to tell me that it is an actual person. They know what they're doing. They're like, hi, it's Monica.

You sure you want to cancel this porno? It's all tech. But it's like now I'm picturing like Monica from Friends on the other end of the thing being like, now I have a few questions for you. Is it cost or content? And I was like, well, Monica, I don't give a shit about money so it's not fucking cost and and she goes well and every time i'm like delaying responding and then it hits you with you have three minutes to respond before you exit this chat yeah so i'm basically like fucking john mcclain trying to figure out the water thing being like all right all right i gotta fucking just tell her i gotta

say what it is and it's she's like's like, what is it about the content? And again, 7 o'clock in the morning, Thanksgiving morning, a time when you're getting ready to go to the high school football game with dad. It's the most wholesome Americana there is. And you're discussing your porn habits and criticisms. Well, Monica, I'll be honest with you. It's a little tame. You said this.

Monica, at no point did the actors start fist fighting instead of having sex. So, I don't know. Not really my taste. Holy shit. And I'm sitting there in my room. I was like, oh, my God. Can you just let me cancel? Just cancel.

Free me from my shackles, please. This is worse. I will pay $20 a month for the rest of my life to not have this goddamn conversation. I can't believe you. The final burger I know just would have clicked out and gone and watched some softcore porn, whatever. And then she's like, well, we have a lot of other, this is through ProBiller. She's like, we have a lot of other sites on the network. Some a little more of the hardcore variety.

What if I gave you a deal on one of those? You're getting upsold by a used car salesman for some anal sex here. All right, Monica. What are the fucking signs? I was going to say, if that's me, as angry as I am to be having this conversation, I'm like, go on. Pray tell. conversation i'm like go on it's pray tell and it's like it's like what if i could give you more hardcore pornography for a cheaper price bye bye bye bye i can smell the goddamn turkey while this is happening

getting to hear like the cousins downstairs hustling and bustling i'm like all right why don't you just tell me what it is? I'll take a peek at it. And so was it acceptable? No, I ended up sticking to my guns. I was like, listen, Marge. But you did take a gander? I took a peek. I was like, you know what? This isn't really working for me.

I'm going to be honest, Monica. I really have to just cancel it here. She's like, well, we have the uber special deal. Oh, by the way i accidentally had two accounts so i was paying like 70 a month um she goes you have two here you have the vip and the regular and i was like why did i do that fucking vip one what do you mean i have vip regular she's like and she goes well how about i just cancel them but they will the vip still has three months left on it why don't i just cancel and you can use that until the end

and then that will be you know when that when that three months runs out it. Why don't I just cancel it and you can use that until the end and then that will be when that three months runs out. I know what you're doing. You're giving me a little taste. I'll tell you what, Monica, I'm not having it. Cancel the subscription. Cancel it all. Don't even let me have all the three more months for free. I don't want them.

I don't want your free porn. And I had to sit there until my boner went away because I'd been looking at pornography. So I fucking jerked off and went down to my family table. That is, first of all, I have no doubt in my mind that you were talking to like an Indian guy overseas. Oh, without a doubt. Who was like, I'm Monica. But that person's job, think about him.

Now, maybe if it was overseas, he's not worried about this. But if it was in America, that person is telling the same story going, I can smell the turkey and I'm trying to convince this pervert to jerk off for three more months. So the only person who had a weirder morning than you was the counterpart on the other side of things. Like, what do you do for a living? Well, I try to convince at one point a one-time horny man who has lost his horniness to continue to be horny for the price of 39.95 a month that's my job 70 a month i had the vip and the regular one and it was like you know that guy too who went goes by monica was like they probably have a nice setup where it's

just like you know you get almost like a text when you're when you're needed and he's just going about his thanksgiving and it's like hello hello, I'd like to cancel my subscription. And I use the fakest fucking names for those things, too, just in case someone happens to be a stoolie over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, it's like, so what's your handle? And it's like, oh, fuck, I forget. It's like H-F-E-J-O.

It's called jumbled up. Heistic burger. I'm like, I don't know, man. I just got to get out of this i've spent 200 in the last fucking couple of weeks on porn i want out that's when you know you never go full porn man you run full porn i you know what i want to sign up for but i'm afraid like i do this all the time how many times how many stories do i have about like either buying buying or canceling pornography?

And I just do when I'm drunk. I just got to stop. At least you do that and you don't like... Most people do this in real life. They call an ex or they fuck someone they shouldn't. At least you're just fucking yourself. Yeah. And it hurts your wallet. Hurts the wallet.

Hurts the wallet. I want to buy one of those games. You ever get a pop-up ad for a porn game? What are those like? I don't know that I want to buy one of those. I want to buy one of those games. You ever get a pop-up ad for a porn game? What are those like? I don't know that I want to buy one of those. I don't know if I'm ambidextrous enough. That's what I'm saying. To masturbate in video games.

Are people playing the game? That whole world escapes me. Is there a boss? Are there levels? Is it a role-playing game? Do you have experience points? Is there a code to get extra men? What's going on there?

That's a whole deep root world. Defeat Lexington Steel and fuck Belladonna. This is just Mario, but twisted. I was going to say, it's like fucking Zelda, except you get the fuck at the end. I can get down with that shit. What do we got? We got no guests on the show today? Just us? No, we got Lindsey. We got Lindsey

Vaughn on the show to wrap things up. First, we'll do our voicemails, of course, but as the, basically, the ambassadors of depression here at Varsal Sports on KC Radio, you've been watching The Great Depression on repeat. I'm starting to get concerned.

It's so good. I mean, you are so depressed, uh, but you're, you're not anymore, but you, you, you, you have,

you know what you're like? You're like Pedro Martinez on the Mets of being depressed. Like, you don't, you're not like in your prime anymore, but you can still, you can still dig deep and like throw a gem. If you need to,

you can still, I know what I'm talking about. Yes. Right. Right. Yeah. That's, it's almost like you're a retired depression to. I know what I'm talking about. It's almost like you're a retired depression person. I can tell you how it works. I can't do it anymore, but I'm going to be a great... I can show you how to throw a four-seamer.

You're going to go to spring training as an invited guest of depression, and you can talk to the new kids about how it's going to go. But we are always talking about being depressed. And there's no greater example of depression than this one song that we're going to play here.

Someone posted it on Instagram. Someone posted just like did like the repost of an Instagram of a Britney Spears picture. And for some reason, this song got in my head. It's like in my head. We were singing it. Then it got in my head. And then we started to like look at the words. And were singing it, then it got in my head, and then we started to look at the words, and I was like, wait a second.

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and nothing better to me than a pair of sneakers. I bought – I used Goat this weekend. I bought a pair of the Allen Iverson Questions. Whoa. Those, yeah. Those are a great – what they did, they call them the double cross because they have – they pair with the blue tip and a pair with the red tip, and most people are pretty separated, so they just did one and one, which I don't usually like. I like my shoes to be whatever. What whatever what's that called symmetrical yes uh but these i liked so i bought those on goat because that's what goat does they have the uh best available uh

selection of sneakers because not only do they do dead stock untouched mint condition sneakers they also do pre-owned sneakers where you can maybe find an old school throwback something that's not in circulation something that you can't afford because old school throwback, something that's not in circulation, something that you can't afford because some of these old school shoes that are dead stock are like $1,000 plus. Goat is connecting other sneaker fans, other sneaker collectors, other people who bought these shoes directly to another person. They can decide their price.

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Start collecting today. I'm almost done with that countdown I started months ago. That's how many goddamn sneakers I have. I'm still not done with that. Final week. We're doing like top four now. So after I ran through those, I'm going to have to start getting new ones. I'm going to go to Goat.

You should too. G-O-A-T.com slash KFC to get your sneakers. John, tell the people what the most depressing song in the world is. It's crazy that there are so many songs from your childhood where you are like, you didn't realize what you were doing. Like, Let's Get Retarded, for instance. Whereas, like, we were just partying up at bar mitzvahs. I never went to a bar mitzvah, but I don't know why it came to my head.

Sweet 16s. Just being like, let's get retarded in here. Let's get retarded. What a blessing that it started. Just Ron's perfectly retarded. Black Eyed Peas became a goddamn phenomenon right around then. And it's all because they just were like, never mind. Yeah, let's just, we'll pretend this never happened.

They were saying, let's get autistic in here. It doesn't just slip right in. It started. You're fucked. But yeah, sometimes you don't, it takes a little while to listen, to understand. When you start to listen to the words to this song. And I don't know why she was telling us. We just weren't listening.

She was like, bitch, I'm gonna shave my head. And like, the signs were there. She wakes up. No. She had that auto-tuned voice. I know. This is Kyrie Irving right now, by the way. Lucky and Kyrie.

Here we go. Listen to this right here. Cries, cries, cries. Lonely heart thinking. If there's nothing missing in my life then why do these tears come at night?

This bitch was like, I just can't stop crying! And we were like, turn that up, 92, bro, I love this joint! 60 weeks in a row, she's got it all. She must be the happiest person ever. She's rich, She's pretty. She can dance.

She is awesome. She's totally happy and definitely not depressed in any way. We're just like, she couldn't have spelled it out clearer for us. Guys, I am broken inside. It's just, they wake me up in the morning, they put makeup on my face, and I just fucking cry it all off. And we're like like sing that shit Britney when do you think let me see it was crazy that we were just okay with that and nobody said a

fucking I mean I've never heard anyone be like boy that that was a sad song I never even she I mean she spelled it out she she couldn't have said it more clearly and it took her shaving her head and driving with a baby in her lap for us to be like someone might be wrong with britney she dropped this shit in 2000 may of 2000 i wonder when her meltdown was was it later was it much later uh yeah i think she wore it up for us for a while oh three around there so for years three more years of being like didn't anyone hear this song that wouldn't stop playing on the radio could Can someone just call me and see if I'm okay? This is crazy. Yo.

And at that point, she was like... Shout out, Brittany, for being a warrior. She was probably like 17 at the time, too. She was like a child being like, what is? I'm just sad. Yeah. They're treating me like a doll. We were all like, dance again, bitch. Do it again. Put on the Catholic girl outfit. What we do to celebrities is a fucking

problem. It's so fucked up. She had it too. There's that level. It's like Michael Jackson, Britney Spears. You can't go out of the house. She had body doubles running around and shit. Whenever you have to hire body doubles to just be able to leave your house, that's some next level shit.

Later in life, the kid died on the fucking tractor. That was crazy. What? Her sister's kid died. A tractor fell on top of her or some shit like that. It was like a crazy fucking tractor. That was crazy. What? Her sister's kid, like, died. Like, a tractor fell on top of her or some shit like that. It was, like, a crazy fucking death. Yeah. Jamie Lynn's kid?

Yeah. It was, like, a horrible, like, one of those, like, hillbilly things. It was, like, a four-wheeler or some shit. Dead. That life. That family. Woo. They've been through it all.

She still got it, though, Brittany. Yeah, she kind of came out of it. She's, I mean, I think she's, but I also think she's, like, back in it again. Yeah, I mean, you can't fully come out of it. I think she's, but I also think she's back in it again. I think there was some stuff where her family's in control of her stuff or whatever. Like I said, you're not fully out of it. You got it deep down inside you.

I mean, like, I'll never forgive myself for screaming that song, running home from school to see Carson Daly with his painted fingernails introduce that song. I was like, fuck yes, I love this jam. And it's just about a woman being so sad. Like a child, a child job.

I like sad music, but a lot of the sad music is like, I'm going to tell you about being sad. But again, this is like, I'm singing in a happy tune. And it's like, even if the video was like so cool or it's like you're dancing. Yeah. And it's like it's the juxtapose like because there are plenty of sad songs that you just listen to in the shower and cry. But this one is like how kind of a party song, how party party song, but kind of a party song.

But at the same time, how blunt can you be with? And I cry, cry, cry. Let me just let me repeat that. It's almost like they stopped the music for that. It's like her just yelling, just screaming, cry, cry. Let me just, let me repeat that three times. It's almost like they stopped the music for that. It's like her just yelling, just screaming cry three times. Cry, cry, cry in the lonely night thinking. She must have been on tour singing that song, just being like. Just weeping on stage.

Oh, 100,000 of these people at this arena. They had fucking like strict rules. Like during Lucky, don't zoom in on Britney's face. Because she's up there fucking fighting. It was probably one of her body doubles. It was probably one of her body doubles doing lip singing. Poor fucking Britney, man. I don't think the girl died, by the way.

It says, Jamie Lynn Spears honors miracle anniversary of her daughter's surviving horrific ATV accident. Okay. Well, whatever. I mean, she was almost fucking dead. That's why. Better. Yeah. Better to be alive.

Well, maybe. Depends. How bad was that accident? Let's get into our voicemails. By the way, I didn't really think that, I mean, I did think that people were going to play ATI with their families, but actually doing it is fucking insane. Crazy. Lars was sitting next to his goddamn grandmother talking about, do you want your dick and balls

in your taint, or do you want your balls on top of your dick it was my mom's idea we i had a plan but my mom was like let's play ati and i was like let's not uh i didn't i didn't i didn't bring it home i didn't bring one home sorry she's on my buff oh i don't worry i i got you covered did you guys like large said he like went through like no i can't do that one can't do that one somehow thought the dick and balls in the taint was acceptable. That's how bad those questions are. He was like, well, I got to do one.

Did you like censor at all? Or people were just letting it fly? No, we didn't play. I was like, I don't like, like, like grandparents were still around.

Like kids were around. I was like, I don't think it's worth it. Yeah. I mean, God bless you. If you have one of those families that can, can let it fly like that.

I can't. We, we, we fuck around, but we fuck around without like talking about that. I talk about with my friends. Yeah. Yeah. I have lines. Shout out to everybody but we fuck around without talking about assholes and stuff. That I talk about with my friends. Yeah.

I have lines. Shout out to everybody who did do it for real, though. Yeah, I respect you if you know the balls. How about we cured Parkinson's? Oh, yeah, that was dope, too. You got Parkinson's, play ATI. Apparently, you can bring people back mentally with Answer the Internet. I don't know if that's going to work across the board, but give it a shot. I got a tweet saying that the pocket boxers that we sell on the indoor line

is perfect for an insulin pump for a guy who has diabetes. He just slides that in there. And that some girl's grandfather who has Parkinson's was lucid for the first time in years. So we're just out here curing the world of all the horrible diseases. Voicemail's time. Let's cook it up.

What's up, KFC Fight Super Producer BC? Got a quick would you rather. Would you rather eat the same sandwich for every meal every day for the rest of your life or eat one random ass once a week? Now, you don't get to pick the ass. It's basically just like one person shows up at your door and that's the ass you're eating, we'll say like Wednesday, call your hump day meal. This is the easiest question of all

time, I would think. I mean, I basically eat the same sandwich every day as it is. I think a sandwich is the most repeatable thing that people do. It's like, what's your sandwich? I get turkey. I get an Italian combo. I get a chicken cutlet sandwich. I basically already, not even

through punishment of a magical hypothetical question, eat the same sandwich every day. Chicken cutlet, melted mustard cheese, mayo. I could have that every day for the rest of my life. Italian combo. Could have that every day for the rest of my life. Now, I at least get to pick the sandwich, right? I don't want to be eating a shitty sandwich for the rest of my life.

But if Lizzo shows up at my door... That's easy you mean that ass yeah fuck it for the story you're not gonna actually enjoy it probably it's like she's rich she's got a clean ass now there's glennie showing up at my door is this any sex can show up at my door if it if let's say it's like your sexual preference. Okay, it's your sexual preference. But it could be an 80-year-old grandma.

It could be a super fat gross person. It could be... You know what's even worse? Like, what if like a Nazi chick shows up to your door? Like an alt-right,

like she's got a swastika on her, she's got a swastika tramp stamp and you gotta eat her butt. John's like, is that worse than a grandma? Tickling. John's like, I want that on my website

but they're giving me the tame porn. I can't fucking watch this. I don't agree with her political views. She probably throws down. But if it's her ass over grandma's ass, I'm probably choosing the Nazi. I mean, look, if she's a 31 year old

attractive Nazi put it in the game that's bigger that's bigger that's better than a grandmother would you rather eat a grandma's ass or a Nazi's ass

I would tell I'd be like I'd be like look you're a bad person but you're not wearing a diaper right now spread those cheeks girl that's a huge difference

John would be like listen you're a bad person but can you make it wink make it wink baby i think i think okay so yeah if it's any random person you can't do that john eating you're just eating a sandwich i know i know but like but you have to eat that every meal every day you have to have a sandwich i mean i literally don't people do this you mix up your sandwich you do you you do weird stuff i feel like most people like they get their sandwiches there's like maybe you have a rotation of a couple now you only get one but if you told me that i could only get chicken cutlet for every meal forever uh did he say every meal or just say you just have one like you have to have that sandwich every day oh at lunch yeah lunch oh

done that's fine lunch is fine but i get i get cravings for a lot of different things but if i have the option to have a cheeseburger for breakfast or whatever then yeah i'll take that but in exchange for like every you know it could be random too it's like a wednesday night you're really down in the dumps you had a bad day at work and you hear the doorbell ring and there's glenny gotta use ass yeah i mean, I mean, come on. Give me the bologna sandwich. I'll have a garbage sandwich instead of that.

Yeah, it's gotta be the sandwich, but I guess I gave pause if it was every meal. If it was every meal, I'm probably giving more pause. If it's every meal, oh god, there are just some nasty butts. I've always said that that's what like... I mean, even the good butts are some nasty butts. I've always said that. That's what, like. I mean, even the good butts are technically gross butts.

I mean, it's all, you know, it's crazy that we do this. Like, amateur porn, for instance, I think has always been around to remind you, like, hey, every asshole isn't a nice asshole. Yeah. Because there are plenty of amateur porns. Honestly, you really got to, like, tip your cap and remind yourself that the porn stars that you watch are professionals. Professionals. It's the right color and the right shape and the right placement and size and all that stuff.

Yeah, they take care of their bodies. They know. It's like, hey, LeBron's got a great jumper. Well, yeah, it's a hugely important part of his game. And the butthole is a hugely important part of the porn star's game. It's the number one at Beyonce. Yeah. I mean, i guess like you can't be i guess just your body in general you can't be like overweight and be a porn star but if we're getting down to specifics it's uh you know what it is it's not it's not gonna break you it's gonna make you though yeah

you know like all porn stars have like good enough assholes if you have a great one yeah you're going to the top you can even you can have a messed up pussy you can have a weird pussy plenty of weird pussies yeah just flapping in the wind but you got a great asshole you'll be a top of the ranks like no time dude um glennie by the way recapped his thanksgiving this morning it was the funniest and saddest thing i've like ever heard he was just like he was like, he was upset about where he got seated. He was upset who was with him and that the turkey was cold. And it was like his Super Bowl, and it went poorly. And the guys were like, how was your Thanksgiving?

And he was like, I've got to be honest, it wasn't great. And this outpouring of emotion about how devastated he was that his Thanksgiving... I want to, like, have another one for him. I want to, like, have a nice hot turkey delivered to him today

so he can enjoy his Thanksgiving. I've never heard someone so sad in my life. He was just like this grumpy old boy. Kinda. Yeah? Glennie is like...

Have you ever heard Glennie complain about anything? Cheeseburgers. Bad cheeseburgers. Good answer. So, yeah. Good answer. Subpar turkey probably works in that.

Probably fits the mold pretty good. I guess what I'm more surprised about is that the Balls household wasn't like a 10 out of 10 for Thanksgiving, where the turkey was cold for poor Glenn. I picture Glenn like carving it and like the head of the fucking table. But I guess that's just my vision of balls, not reality. Next voicemail. All right. Hey, fellas.

So I have a hypothetical for you. Let's say you're the guy at the pearly gates of heaven, and you can create two rules that will be the rules for heaven. So if you pick people who have never eaten pizza, then only people who have never eaten pizza are going to get into heaven. What are your two rules? And keep in mind, you can also damn people to hell with this. You have the power to let people into heaven and damn them.

I am going This is a great question. This is like true salvation. I think I'm going to give all Mets and Jets fans, you get in. That's bullshit. Why?

I was like, I mean, I even, you just did, you just Scorsese'd this. Because you had a thought that you should have gone, no, it's stupid. And then you said it out loud anyway. It's true salvation. I was going to be like Bruins fans. But I was like, you know what? There's some asshole Bruins fans. Well, yeah.

I mean, of course. But that's it. That's it. You're out then. I don't want to spend a time. I mean, there are some assholes in heaven. Yeah. But I didn't let them in in so now i get to let them in are you just gonna say if you're an asshole you're out you gotta it's got to be like a blanket of so of sorts no i only need one rule if i deem you an asshole you're out that i mean that's by the way

that's what like heaven should be that's what what Jesus should basically say. St. John, I'm much better at this than St. Peter. I believe that if there was a way, the only way to make our sports suffering on earth even somewhat worth it, it would be maybe an eternity in paradise. And even then, if I came down today, this is actually a great hypothetical to play out. if I came down today, this is a great,

this is actually a great like hypothetical to play out. If I came down today and I was like, heaven is real, boom, like irrefutable proof, you will live

an eternity in paradise. But you have to root for the Mets and Jets. Like I, I think there'd be a lot of people who are like, nah,

I'm all set. Like, sounds good, but no. I don't know if I believe this proof. I'll take my chances. It's much more like, I'll deal with that later.

I'll deal with eternity when that comes up. If for the next 50, 60, 70 years on this planet, I have to root for these shitty teams, and my sports life is terrible, I'm not doing that. I bet a lot of people would, just because it's like, well, I'm going to guarantee I don't want to go to hell. But I think people would give pause. Let me think about it.

Two rules. And you could also damn people to hell. I feel like that's a pretty spiteful way to go. But if you want to send people. Well, I mean, essentially you're damning if they don't follow these two rules. I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So basically you're damning everyone to hell except Mets and Jets fans.

Hey. That's, you don't even want that. But you're damning everyone to hell except mets and jets fans hey that's that's you but you're right but you're right because it's it's actually not about it's like i don't want to be around i don't like to be around mets and jets we're the worst we're terrible you know we're fucking neurotic and we're pessimistic and paranoid and terrible so i don't want them around but i just think that they deserve something in the end so really you got to think about it are you trying to make the perfect like what is heaven or like the perfect thing for you because like i i will do you only get into heaven if you

have a perfect asshole and all the ugly assholes are going to hell because then my heaven's gonna be great everyone's gonna be walking around with their assholes out so is it for you personally or is it you're trying to craft the best heaven um i think i think you go personal. Okay. So it's basically then an easier way to... See, this is hard. Who do you want to spend eternity with? Honestly, I want to rule like no murderers. But that seems like a pretty basic rule.

Well, I think the general rules of heaven still apply, right? Okay. And then these are just going to be two more that you add on. Okay. How about that? Okay, that's fair. Let's see. Oh, boy.

People who – I got in a big fight over the weekend with people who use heated seats. I think heated seats are a terrible invention. So I'm going to take it. Anyone who wasn't involved with the placement of the button to turn off the heated seat. What? Anyone who was not involved. So if you didn't pick the stupid spot, the stupid button. Well, the problem with this is.

Well, because you're saying sometimes it's. It's everywhere. It's on by accident, you're saying? It's on by accident and it's everywhere. There's never a standard place to turn off the heated seat. It's crazy. I've just got my ass sweating trying to drive to Providence

and I'm like, I can't get it off. I'm trying to drive it on 195. I'm like, I can't stop sweating. My back's dripping. I don't know where the button is. Where was the button?

I don't know. I never found it. So if you are responsible for picking, for doing heated seats and the button, you're going to hell. Yeah. All like 11 of those people.

Yeah. Yeah. Those guys. I'll wait. The rest of us. You're a waste of pick on you. This is like in like the MLB when it's like, it's like,

yeah, we know this kid, we know it's not that big a deal. It's like, yo, he's like the coach's friend's kid. So 17th round. Who gives a shit?

I got enough rules in heaven as it is. I'm wasting a pick to damn to hell anyone who fucking was involved in the invention of the heated seat. Yo, I'm actually with you on that. I think that leather seats are stupid. I know it's like that's what luxury is. No, I like leather seats. Leather seats are either super fucking hot in the summer or freezing cold in the winter.

They got the cool seats. I know, but guess what? Just make it into material that doesn't fucking have extreme temperatures. I know it's considered nicer, obviously. It's a nicer material than the cloth ones, but it's like you hop in the car at the beach and your fucking legs are sticky.

I don't like leather couches and shit either. That stickiness is You hop in the car at the beach and your fucking legs are sticky on it. Yeah, it's not a terrible thing. I don't like leather couches and shit either. That stickiness is not good. I spend so much time on the couch. If I have to peel myself off, I don't need that shame as I get up from watching 17 hours of television. I don't need that kicking the ass on my way out the door. Yeah, no thank you. So heated seats, you're going to to hell you're not getting into heaven

yeah if you were involved if you were if you said i'll i'll broaden it a bit if you not if you sat in the boardroom while it was discussed like hey should we should we have a standard place we put heated seats to turn it off no how about fucking put it everywhere can we expand to like if you've ever even like directed a commercial for uh for cars that like highlighted it as a yep yep yeah in any way if you're a proponent of heated if you are a salesman who said it's got heated seats you're out you're out you're out i like it enjoy hell that's like you want a heated seat satan's got one for you pal that's at least like three dozen people you're out of here i think maybe um i'll say if you have a car that has a heated seat and you brag to friends about it you're out i'll tell you what this new this 97 what if what if you got

upsold on one like you guys in a lot like hey you can get this one over here for like 250 a month but for just 269 you can get the heated seats yeah that guy who sold it out the guy who bought it out see you later everyone's going to hell yeah see you later we're gonna we're gonna like six degrees of separation this bitch eventually everyone's gonna be in hell if you even know someone who ever considered buying one you're going to hell what if i said um everybody who's ever engaged and i might just i might be killing myself here but if we're gonna make heaven truly place to be, anybody who's ever engaged in a political debate, period, on either side of the aisle on the internet, you go to hell. Because if heaven is supposed to be like an enjoyable paradise,

what would you not have there? Did you see that video that went viral? Was that real of the guy at the Thanksgiving table? I can't watch things like that. It makes me uncomfortable. I mean, that was almost so cliche. The girl girl said my brother came strapped for thanksgiving dinner and it was just a super cut of him which is also a weird thing to make like a super cut of your dinner so i was a little woke on the whole thing but everything was like trump and epstein and everything he was saying

was like political and like argumentative and and i'm like these these are the people who ruin like all social gatherings so if heaven is the greatest social gathering there is that's fair but i mean i might i've done it i i've i don't get political but i've definitely argued about it i don't know if i've ever i think i've i've espoused i don't know if i've ever argued i have a new one people who use the word espoused. Get going to hell. Holy shit. I'm all behind. I've never engaged in argumentative behavior, though. Yeah, I think I just say it, and then I'm like, well, you can say whatever you want.

Well, that's fair. Okay. If you're not doing the back and forth, okay. But I think that's a good one that actually weeds out the assholes. Yeah. It's the three responses. You've had three responses. Yeah. Okay.

If you're back and forth, especially with a nam nameless faceless moron on the internet you're gone really if i was in control of my own religion i truly there would be you know what what's the golden rule in in christianity do unto others as they undo to you or some shit uh mine would be be normal and i and it's a it's a lengthy process it's going to be a long line at the heaven but we're going to go through it all and be like, nope, you weren't normal at one time. This is an abnormal thing you did. Yeah, and you get like a certain amount of abnormality, but at the end, we put it on a scale and abnormal, you go to hell. You're out of here.

Be normal. I think that's a good one. It's like, that'll be like our Scientology. Do they have like a mantra? Oh, I got another one. I got another one. People who don't talk to dogs. Who don't what?

Talk to dogs. Talk to dogs. Yeah. I have. Who doesn't? Like, what do you mean? Like, I think some people just pet a dog and things like that. Do you talk to dogs?

Like, hey, you're a boy sort of thing? You have to talk. Yeah. Yeah. Like, what are you up to? Huh? Huh? What's going on outside?

Who's dead over there? I do it. I said it this weekend because people, I thought maybe I just did it with my dog. Turns out I don't. But I exclusively talk to dogs in Spanish. Yeah, I saw that. I don't know why. ¿Qué pasó?

I was like, ah, Maddie, ¿qué pasó? ¿Estás bien? ¿Dónde estás? ¿Dónde estás? Madeline, Madeline. I don't know why. I mean, you must have very limited conversations with your dog, so you don't know how much Spanish.

Yeah, but she doesn't really fucking fire back very often. I mean, my conversations with dogs are extremely limited no matter what. Very one-sided. Very one-sided. But yeah, it is. All dog people go to heaven. Yeah. I one sided. But yeah, it is. It's just all dog people go to heaven. Yeah. I'm with that.

But I'm also I'm going to talk like you have to be like there. There is a fine line. Like, but it is. I think if you I think if you don't. My mom is always like she thinks it's so weird. Yeah. So I guess I'm putting my mom in hell. Yeah.

But she thinks it's so weird. Which is why I was a full conversation. Yeah. Well, I think it's different than being like you talking about him I'll just have full conversations with the dog in the other room yeah well I think it's different than being like oh who's a good boy and you being like how are you what's going on how was work that's a little bit weird do you want to watch a movie with me

when it's all said and done internet dog culture it's a little too much there are parts where it is. We've been getting there. I've said dog mom stuff is one. You can't be a dog mom or a dog dad. Dog mom and doggos and doggs and all the ways they spell it.

I'm having a bad day. Send me your dogs. Yeah. No, I'm with you. I think people use it as a crutch. Yeah. If you've ever used your dog or a dog thing for likes and comments and retweets you're going to hell yeah okay you know okay but you're a dog person

but it's gotta be genuine but like but yeah like like when you walk by a dog on street hey buddy like i i don't even say it i don't say i'm not a monster i don't say to the dog i say under my breath yeah yeah i don't like it when people do it to my dog i I'm like, I'm walking the dog. Leave me alone. Right, right. Don't distract him. But I still got like, I know he's got good ears, so I'm like, hey buddy. Say it at a higher frequency. Yeah. Dog. He heard me. He knows. He knows.

Just real quickly. Oh, I have another rule. Scott Peterson, he's not going to hell. He's going to heaven because he didn't murder that shit. I'll tell you what. He didn't murder that chick. I haven't seen the documentary. I was extraordinarily taken aback by that take. I didn't know it was something.

I didn't know the documentary existed. I didn't know there was any doubt. Me neither. It's actually not a very hot take at all when you get duped by this documentary. I mean, naturally, I'm being duped. Wasn't he trying to run to Mexico? That's the thing. He was going golfing that day.

The golf course is near the border. He was just like, yeah, you found me 30 miles from the border of Mexico because there's a golf course 30 miles from the fucking border of Mexico. How far does he live? Is it his golf course? I mean, I don't know the details on that, but it was like he he was meeting his brother. He was like, why do you have your brother's ID? He was like, I was meeting my brother there. I don't know the details on that, but it was like he was meeting his brother. He was like, why'd you have your brother's ID? He was like, I was meeting my brother there. I don't know why he had it.

A lot of things are weird, but they're not pointing to double murder and I harvested the organs. Because neither body had organs. Neither body? As in the infant? Yeah. Is the guy a fucking surgeon? So they said that the current from the bay ripped the organs out of the body. Like, that doesn't happen.

So now you're telling me that Scott Peterson not only murdered them, but he, like, took all their organs, too. The one thing. I don't know. I mean, was he, like, chopping them up to, like, dispose of pieces in different places? No. Well, the body, the torso. Yeah, it was a torso that washed up and then the baby was intact. The torso was headless, handless and like bottomless, which all those things, I think, like point to it not being him, because I think you have to be like a fucking.

Massacre like crazy murderer to do that. Yeah, like it's not it's not like the passion you don't usually end up doing that right it's like oh you know he was cheating on his wife that's why he murdered her okay even fine then you think he chopped her up to fucking pieces and like harvested her organs that doesn't seem i was actually even surprised with uh terrell prior this weekend when like his girlfriend stabbed him like four times and i was like i feel like even crowns of passion you get one and you're like oh what have i done yeah like bow bow bow that's crazy uh the the documentary the only thing that they left out was that there was a pair of pliers that had her dna on it but like dna when you're a married couple it's kind of fucking like gonna be everywhere

other than that there's no actual evidence there's no dna other than that there's no blood there's no crime scene there's like it is they just's no DNA. Other than that, there's no blood. There's no crime scene. There's like it is they just truly didn't like the guy, and they painted a story, and the jury believed it. It wasn't even like he had a bad defense. Like the defense lawyer proved all this shit, and they still were like, ah, I don't like him. It was just like you could not dispose of a body the way you're saying. Here, like it's physically impossible. They're like, okay, well, fine.

Maybe it was a different way. And they were like he murdered her the night before and then got rid of her in the way you're saying here like it's physically impossible they're like okay well fine maybe it was a different way and they were like uh he murdered her the night before and then got rid of her in the morning and he proved that she was alive in the morning and they were like okay well fine yeah she was alive in the morning but like that doesn't matter like he kept proving him wrong some people say say they say oh i don't think he killed him this way but he definitely still did it yeah some people think about some people yeah they think oh no no it wasn't that specific way but he definitely still did it yeah some people think about some people yeah they think oh no no it wasn't that specific way but he definitely still did it hey what's the supreme court because the uh what's the supreme court say about that supreme court said adnan get your ass back to jail

you're murdering motherfucker this to me made as much as i was like adnan didn't do it when i watched that documentary again it's all probably fucking i'm sure that if you if i watch another documentary he's just guilty as shit. But that made my serial take look like child's play. It's like I'm a fucking Scott Peterson stan, okay? I'm sitting here. I'm like if someone turned up dead right now, the whole world would send me to jail just because I cheated and they don't like me? That's how it works now?

They're just like, nah, he's weird. He's an asshole. That doesn't mean that he murdered everyone and took their organs out. Yeah, taking organs out. I just think about lifting the hood of a car. I'm like, I don't know what any of this is. If I cut someone open, I got to harvest organs? I don't know. I mean, I guess he could have read a book or something.

But I'd be like, I don't know. That's pretty hard to execute. With no crime scene anywhere. But they had some sort of oceanologist, marine biologist, whatever. And they were like, could the, you know, tides have, like, pulled the organs out of the body? He was like, I don't fucking know. Like, I, like, study the marine life. I don't fucking, maybe.

I guess so. And they were just like, okay, good enough. It was nuts, man. It was one of the more convincing documentaries, whether or not you know that's because it's just fucking made up and fictional or whatever but i thought i never even knew that that had that case had controversy and i walked away like you the first time with cereal i'll be like i saw you i was like i was like oh shit kevin i think you said it in the morning too i think it was like yeah early like maybe friday morning well you know what it was i watched it all i finished, too. I think it was like early, like maybe Friday morning. Well, you know what it was? I watched it all.

I finished it the night before, and I was like, everyone's going to just say that I'm defending this guy because we both cheated. I'm not going to go down this road. And then I was like, I'm going down this road. I'm fucking going down this road. And crazy things. They're like, well, he drove really far to go fishing that day. Weird. Sure.

Doesn't mean he murdered someone. When you don't like your wife, you go do all sorts of... Yeah, I'm going to go fishing. Why don't you go to the lake next door? Because I want to get the fuck away from you. I'm going to go 90 miles away. Whatever. 90 miles isn't that far.

That's the other thing, too. It was like an hour drive or some shit. Were there places where he normally fishes that is a lot closer? No, that's where he normally fishes, in the bay. A lot of times, you have to go fishing. Where's the closest place to go fishing in Manhattan? You probably have to go a decent distance. Well, that YP drives to fucking New Jersey all the time.

Right. And the people arguing with me were like, well, there's a lake and a river nearby. It's like, okay, well, I guess it's a little weird to pick a body of water further away to fish than this one here. Don't you just catch different bodies of water? Yeah, you know, it's like, it was that bitch Nancy Grace. That bitch is the worst. It's crazy that she was like... I mean, she...

The media... And that's the whole overlying thing. The media won this case, basically. They had a hung jury, and the fucking guy left because he was getting bullied. There was one dude who was the foreman. They all were bullying him.

He was like, I can't take it anymore. And he left. They put a new alternate in. Boom. Verdict. Done. It was just like, this is fucking crazy. anymore. And he left. They put a new alternate in. Boom. Verdict. Like, done. It was just like, this is fucking crazy.

But Nancy Grace was still, like, hot in the streets. I don't think her shtick works anymore. I think everyone's like, you're a fucking asshole. But back then, people were listening to her spout off. I mean, they made Gone Girl about this being like. I was going to say, was Gone Girl, because it does seem like there were a lot of crossover. Yes. And that movie was basically, right?

He didn't do it in Gone Girl, right? It was like he was all set up and everything. Yeah. And the whole message was like, the audience was like, yeah, just because you're not bawling your eyes out doesn't mean you murdered someone. That was Scott Peterson. Yeah. It was his wife. She didn't – he wasn't like inspired anymore or whatever.

And he was like – he'd become a lazy husband. Yeah. So she wanted to get back at him. Right. So she planned this whole thing. And now I'm not accusing Lacey Peterson of doing that. But that's what the wife did in Gone Girl. Oh girl oh and also by the way uh six other pregnant women had disappeared in that area in like the last seven months and it was like there's far-fetched shit

like there was like satanic rituals that went on nearby it's like i don't know if those are what happened but bunch of people get murdered in baltimore too Boston. All right, back to voicemails. We'll do one more. How much time we at? One more? One twelve. Yeah, all right. Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by Movement.

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It's the biggest sale of the year. So they got all sorts of different sales going on right now. It's MVMT.com, promo code HOLIDAY19 at checkout. Get yourself a matching set of eyeglasses, sunglasses, watches, look sharp, give gifts, be Santa with the movement for this holiday season. MVMT.com, promo code HOLIDAY19. Hey, what's up? KFC, Super Producer BC. So I've had this boyfriend for a long time. We've been together forever.

He's actually who got me listening to your show. So you guys talk about sex and stuff that guys like and don't like and whatever. So I've definitely implemented some of that in our sex lives. But you guys also talk a fuck ton about porn stars and what they do well. So I'm not going to lie, I've

definitely gone on Pornhub and looked up an Adriana Cechik blowjob to see what that bitch was doing that I'm not. Why is her head game so strong and mine wasn't? So I was just wondering, is that weird or what? Should more girls be looking it up? Should we have porn tutorials or something? Because my head game definitely got stronger. So I don't know, just let me know.

Viva. I think this is the most normal thing in the world. Yeah. I mean, I think maybe not normal, but I think more people know. Viva. I think this is the most normal thing in the world. Yeah. I mean, I think maybe not normal, but I think more people should do it is what I think. I just think it's standard. I think a lot of people do it. I think a lot of people get their tips and tricks. They should.

They're the pros. Yeah. And I'll be honest. Some people are probably pretty upset about it. Yeah. Because it's like, wait a minute. I have to do that. Or I can't do that. And also, I bet girls are girls like he wants to do that yeah like no no it's a shocking

things that guys do now where it's like we're just trying to like rip your insides yeah while we push down on your stomach yep like we don't have the skills like speaking of getting rid of your organs that's basically what i'm gonna try to do yeah like i'm gonna i'm gonna basically push on your bladder and rip up your pussy And then when you pee under control Because I'm pushing on your organs I'm gonna be like how hot was that That's fucking what we do now That's what we want

It sucks when you realize that But you can do one of two things You can either say fuck all that And be bad in bed Or you can just agree And try to get better at it And people will want to fuck you You can take an anesthesia

Before fucking sex I've always thought Like certain things I watch a porn I watch this guy pick a girl up, fucking throw her in the air like a pizza pie. I'm like, I physically can't do that, right? Like, her example's a good one. Like every girl can just go like slobber on a dick. You know what I mean? You don't have to have a Heather Brooks situation.

You don't have to be like the most skilled, but if you just make a goddamn mess, the guy's going to be very happy. So I tried to tell Monica. Just fucking, when you think there's too much spit, like, double it. And every guy's going to love it. It's a pretty fucking easy thing to get done. I mean, look, professional athletes, they watch video, watch film. I mean, we used to watch film and we used to watch game tape in high school. Right.

Like, all right, here's what I'm doing wrong. Here's what I can do better. Yeah. Here's what this, and you call it out. You're like, hey, here's what this guy's doing well. Why don't you try this? Right. That's just how life works.

I don't know why. I mean. Don't even just apply it to sex. Apply it to life. Everything. All of it. Find the professionals who are doing it. Especially if you are interested in like

pleasing you know if you want to go above and beyond these are the girls who can show you the way yeah just try and be better i was reading an article this weekend um in the atlantic whatever um about uh mr rogers and it was uh it was how is this gonna apply well it was just like it was like how he's such a good person. And it was like the things he did. So just follow that blueprint? I was like, boy, that's a lot. I'm sure that's what you're thinking when you watch the Intercepting video.

But I'm like, you know what? I should try and do some of those things. That was great. When you fire up a porn and you see that some girl's doing double anal, we don't expect that. That's the pinnacle. That's the highest of crazy shit. Just take one or two pieces from their game and implement that,

and it's going to be well-received. Right, like Mr. Rogers had complete files on all of his friends. We can do that. And I'm not going to do that, but I'm going to be like, I'm going to make it after. But I'm going to try to remember your name. Yeah, your name, your birthday. Done. Like he had, so this article was written by the guy who wrote the original article

of Esquire, which inspired – The movie. The movie. And he was like – he's like, you know, we were friends for four years. And we were genuine friends. And I ended up getting to look at my file. And it had my dog's name, my children's name, my wife's name, my birthday. And it was just like little things like, oh, like he just kept notes when he had a phone call.

And it was like, oh, this is – I forget the guy's name. Let and it was just like little things like oh like he just kept notes when he had a phone call and it's like oh this is i forget the guy's name um let's call him justin i mean to be honest that does sound a little like dexterish to me and maybe that guy was eventually gonna murder these people he has files on them mr rogers yeah i don't think he was gonna murder people but it was it's like all right i'm not gonna go that far but i am going to make a little bit more of an effort right in life and in like knowing about friends and things like that just like spit on the dick a little bit more. There you go. This is it. This is the way. Girls, just listen to us. We've never

steered you wrong. Let's get into our interview for the day. It's brought to you by Burrow. This is couch season, baby. This is big time barstool indoors. This is where the pros shine. This is where you gotta have your clothes on point, your delivery on point, your streaming services on point, but most importantly, your couch.

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get the free shipping, one week, and make sure you start to get that indoors life at the max. That's burrow.com slash KFC. Time for Lindsey Vonn. Let's talk to her. All right.

We got two very special guests in here right now. We got Lindsey Vonn and her pup Lucy is sitting on her lap. Oh, yeah. How we doing? I'm good. How are you? We're doing well. We're doing well.

I feel like I would love if every guest brought their dog. I mean, I feel like it just warms the room right up. It does. It does. It makes you like me even more. Yeah. It's kind of like a cheat code. If an interview is ever going bad or things get contentious or something, it's like, well, my dog's cute.

Not fair. Not fair. We love it, though. So you've got this documentary coming out tomorrow, which is got to feel pretty cool. My phone's really broken. pretty cool, like super broken. It's very frustrating. I don't want to go to Apple over Black Friday. It's going to be a disaster.

So I just work for the book. You've got to ride it after the holidays. For sure. Sorry about that. So do you view this as kind of like a culmination of sorts? Or, I mean, what's your vibe as this is dropping? Yeah, it's interesting. You know, it was a very emotional time for me, deciding to retire and having torn my knee just a few

days after we started shooting. Things didn't really go as planned, obviously. Kind of wanted it to be more of a swan song and breaking the record and be all happy and awesome. And then it was like, oh, I'm screwed. Nothing turned out the way it was supposed to. But it was an amazing ride, amazing journey. And I'm really glad they filmed it looking back, you know,

because it documents obviously how much, you know, hard work and how much pain I was in. And I think it's something that I can really share with my kids when I'm older. But also kind of just recaps my career and my family and how much time and energy and sacrifice that they put in to help me get to where I am, which is something that

doesn't always get said, so I'm glad that that's all in there. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it's not ideal, but it's probably got to be very compelling. As a viewer, I'm sure there's a lot to but it's probably got to be very compelling. You know, like as a viewer, I'm sure there's a lot. It's very dramatic. Yeah, exactly. Very dramatic.

And it just so happened that a friend of mine, Claire Brown, who I've known since I was seven years old, she was my publicist at the time and was helping shoot the film so we actually got she got footage of like in the hospital and you know places that normally you would never get access to and without me feeling like i was you know my my space is being invaded yeah so i think it was it's really authentic and i mean you see me cry a lot so and it's just raw you know it's really raw and i didn't want to do something that wasn't you know real right you know i think a lot of times people are like oh i'm gonna do this really And it's just raw. It's really raw. And I didn't want to do something that wasn't real. Right. I think a lot of times people are like,

oh, I'm going to do this really kind of cheesy puff piece documentary, and this is definitely not that. And that's why I'm really excited that HBO was so into it and really supported me. So it was an amazing process. Do you think, speaking of your injuries and trying to break the record and all that stuff. We have a theory that superstar athletes

such as yourself are not human beings. You're an alien. You're not real. Do you think we have... Am I like Scientologist? Like it's like aliens have come down

from the solar system. You had nine major injuries in 10 years? Something along those lines? Yeah, I didn't have like a... Five surgeries? Since 2013, I haven't had a 12-month span

without having surgery. Okay, so why? Just stop. That's some alien stuff. I gotta come back. I know, I mean, well, yeah, so I did stop. I was like, I'm literally gonna kill myself. And P.K.'s like, listen, I support you, but I really

don't want you to be in a wheelchair. Yeah. So there's like a reality check to it all, and I mean don't want you to be in a wheelchair. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So there's a reality check to it all. And I mean, my family's been kind of against me skiing for the last couple of years just because of the injury rate. Well, all right. So you hung it up after nine. But after four, you weren't like, you know what? Fuck this.

I think it's enough. You know? If you didn't know this before, you will after the documentary, I am extremely stubborn. So if someone tells me I can't do something, I am going to do it until I am in the ground. And also I didn't like my body dictating to me what I could do or if I could break this record. And so I was like, you know, I'm going to go against the odds and I'm going to come back. And I just, I don't know, that's my mentality. See, I'm very good at listening to my body.

And it often says lay down. The best. It says lay down and turn the TV on. We're on the same page, buddy. I have much more in common with Lucy than I do. Yeah. We're both human beings. She could sleep at any moment in time.

She's just chilling right now. She snores. Eyes half open. She's actually the main star of the documentary. Yeah. I would be the gold medalist of the couch. That I'm breaking records in. You see people like us and let Ciara say things and you're like, you're just disgusting. You have this beautiful gift of a human body and you're like, I don't really want to do this.

Flushed it down the toilet. I mean, I feel like everyone has a purpose and a calling. That's it. You guys are entertaining and you make people laugh. I like that spin. I really tried there. Now are you going to see if I were you after

that career. Go to Disneyland. I would do nothing. I tried that for about three days and that didn't go well. that career. Go to Disneyland. Yeah, I would do nothing. I would just be like – I tried that for about three days and that didn't go well. No, like PK gave me this like elaborate goat cake when I got home. Yeah, I saw it. And basically I woke up and I'm like, well, I could go back to sleep.

I don't really need to wake up. And then I had goat cake for breakfast and goat cake for lunch. And I like did that for a couple days. And then it was like, oh my god, I'm freaking out. I just totally hit the panic button. And I did that for a couple days. And then it was like, oh, my God, I'm freaking out. I just totally hit the panic button. And I was like, I need to work. I need to do something. I can't just sit here.

Because I hadn't planned to retire so early. So I had things set up, but only like a few months later. So I had a few months to kill. And I was like, you know, just get me some work. Like I'll go to, you know, some events. And I just overdid myself. And now I feel like I've found a better balance, but I did try the do nothing technique for three days.

And that if you would like, you know, we can be your trainers. Okay. Well, teach me your ways. Oh, lay back down. Do not go on Instagram. Just sit there. Don't do anything. Look at stories until they're just out

of story instagram's like what are you doing have you ever gone out of story oh i've read a lot of stories basically every sunday lindsay oh my gosh wow go do you're watching so much to learn is it weird like i mean we always say this with all athletes you know you you retire and it's like you know you came to the end of the road as an athlete but you're just basically starting you know i mean there's so much of your regular life to live yeah i mean there's a long time to go fucking take the trash out yeah gotta do that no our driveway is like a mile long and i'm like there's your exercise i'm like pk is playing a game i guess i can't make him do it i was gonna say that's like, PK's playing a game. I guess I can't make him do it. I was going to say, that's like boy work.

The trash is for the boy. But it's like, he's playing now. He's in the position that I was in where I'm like, I have to rest. I can't do that. You know, he got that card for a while. So how's that going to work with you two? Where he's still in it and you're like. Oh, it makes me feel better because i feel like i'm slightly in more

involved in sports you know even though i'm not playing or doing anything i just feel like being around it kind of makes me feel a little bit more at home right as opposed to like just totally being 100 disconnected from it and it's also not skiing like i don't want to really like i don't want to hear about skiing or think about so you're done with it like you're not gonna watch would you be are you into it it's like just pouring like alcohol on the wound you know it's like i just need to let it heal and right so are you are you not even going to like casually ski like would you go to not really no not yet like i think i just need some time i i hear that a lot with athletes where it's like i there are so many baseball players in particular where it's like i don't even like this.

Who goes to actually play baseball? Unless you have a kid. You don't get to pick up baseball. They don't watch it. They don't follow it. Even active players don't follow it. I don't know. It kind of makes me sad. Yeah, I get that. I think about what could have happened if I wasn't injured.

If I could have broken the record. It's not healthy. It's like just regurgitating all those thoughts in my mind. So I kind of just need to close that chapter and move on. Let's not forget about how much you killed it prior to everything. I mean, let's focus on some of the good here. You know what I mean? You had a pretty good run.

I'm a perfectionist. I wasn't perfect. Yeah, it's kind of hard. You're pretty fucking close, though. so let's give yourself some credit. Thank you. I appreciate that. I read you were on skis at two. Two and a half.

Yeah, this guy said he was doing it, too. I got a two-year-old at home. I'm like, I'm happy when he's just walking around. He falls down all the time just walking. I can't imagine putting him on skis and putting him on a mountain. That's crazy. Well, my dad grew up skiing, and he was my coach. And when I was born, he was coaching at night and going to law school.

So he had me in his backpack. So he was skiing with me in his backpack. So you were just, like, immersed in it. So I was, like, always outside. And, like, as soon as I could walk, you know, he basically had me on skis. Crazy. Did you, since you did so much training and all that did you ever get to do like fun skiing like like um i did heli skiing once i

don't mean hella skiing lindsey come on i mean drunk i mean yeah i jumped out of a helicopter no i meant like did you take a flask up the mom and crack a Coors Light on the opening run? I did. Happens to Betsy. They kind of cracked down on bringing alcohol up in backpacks these days. But, I mean, even with friends and stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, it's like the Opry Ski. Definitely, like, at the end of the season, we would kind of, at World Cup finals, the men and women kind of let loose a little bit.

And, you know, they have, like, techno clubs on the mountain in Europe men and women kind of let loose a little bit. They have techno clubs on the mountain in Europe, which is kind of crazy. We go have a bottle of champagne and then come back down. I thought drunk skiing was dangerous. I can't imagine skiing on Molly. I don't know what club. I don't do that.

I'm a professional athlete. Speaking for myself. Definitely not the club. Definitely not what I'm doing. I. Speaking for myself. Definitely not the club. Definitely not what I'm doing. I used to go on ski weekend trips and it would just be drinking in a hot tub. I never even considered even renting skis. You should try that sometime.

Yeah, I think I'm going to do well with the Opry ski. I won't even go on the mountain. I think it's just going to look cute at the bottom. Definitely. Have a hot toddy, some regular vodkas. Cute hat, make a nice outfit. Drink a little bit a little furboos i mean that's what i did it was great skiing was my favorite we never once did it but there's an episode of one of our favorite shows which uh it's always sunny in philadelphia where they kind of go it's like almost like a retro type like 80s ski show like the old movies and stuff like that and they talk about how like

mountain rules and how there's never like it's just weird. You can't get hurt on a mountain, which doesn't apply to you. Yeah, definitely doesn't apply to me. You don't get hung over on mountains. It's a very magical place that, for some reason, it all just works. Since I'm going to test the apres-ski

scene out, I will see if that's true. Please report back. Something tells me that it is not true. It actually is. It's shockingly true. You get out there and it's just like... Well, it depends because if you're on the west coast and the altitude's much higher, it only will take you like two drinks to get, you know. I made that mistake

when I was like 16 once, went to Breckenridge. Yeah, it's not a good idea. Dehydrated. Wasn't good. So it went up three flights of stairs. I was like, alright, I'm done for the day. Back to the couch? Yeah. Back home, baby. Back where we belong.

Do you ski? When you ski, did you basically just do, like, professional courses? Did you ever go to regular mountains? Like, did you ski Killington, for instance? No, I never skied Killington. I mean, I grew up, you know, Minnesota and then moved to Vail when I was 12. So, like, I skied Vail, but I didn't really free ski that often. I was the person that if there was a snow day,

the other kids would be out doing backcountry and hiking and jumping off cornices, and I would be the only one training on the course. I'm like, this is a perfect opportunity. Total nerd moment that's me I did a course, we had like the Devour Games last year it was like a barstool winter olympics type situation

and very few of us here can ski and I'm very mediocre but the three of us who could had to do a race down the course yeah it's scary yeah and you're probably going pretty slow yeah well let's clear one thing up down the course. Yeah. That's scary. Yeah, and you're probably going pretty slow. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're probably going a little slow. Well, let's clear one thing up. I did win the gold medal. I don't know how fast I went. It probably wasn't super. I would be willing to bet in comparison pretty fucking slow. The fastest I've ever gone I think is, well, that I've been clocked out was like 84.

Oh, see, I was only 82. I'm sure, yeah. Wow. It's close, you i'm sure wow that's ridiculous that's just that's just a stupid sport let me put you on a fucking mountain send you down at 90 miles an hour i mean well yeah no wonder everyone gets hurt and shit this is just dangerous it's true it's a bad idea but i will say on in documentary, they have a pretty good analysis of how dangerous it is. They have some insane crashes on there that I can't even watch. Not all of them are mine. There's this guy that literally is cartwheeling down this mountain and it is insane. Is that the one where he gets caught by the net?

There's a couple where they go in there. Which one, dude? Yeah, they all get caught by a net. It's also like an ice rink, right? It's almost like it's frozen. It's not snow you're skiing on. They literally take a fire hose to it and fire hose it. Let's just make this a death trap.

That's not what I really liked. I mean, they kind of started doing that more and more in the past probably six to ten years where they really put water into it. But before, they didn't really do that. So I don't know why they started doing that, to be honest. I think it was mainly because of global warming. Because they couldn't control the temperatures. And so if they iced it, then that was like their best chance of having a race.

Jeez. Which, you know. We'll try to do a hockey rink. PK should buy it. That's what I was thinking. I have never skied before. I'm like, well, I mean, you're on ice. You're kind of already doing it and it's kind of similar.

Do you think the talent disparity is greater between you and hockey or PK and skiing? PK and skiing. You think you're a better skier than PK's hockey player? Yeah. I like that. I mean, well, yeah. We both have Olympic gold medals, so I will give him that. It's a team sport.

You're an individual. It's a team sport. If you have a bad day, you have teammates. So I will give him that. It's a team sport. You're an individual. It's a team sport. If you have a bad day, you have teammates. If I have a bad day, I lose. I think if you have a bad day, something worse. Go to the hospital. Yeah, exactly.

You get hella lifted out of there. I will say hockey players are a lot tougher than I expected. I never really followed hockey until— You love hockey players with the pansies. That's so crazy. I know,, I never really followed hockey until... You love hockey players with the pansies. That's so crazy. I know, but I never really followed... Like, I didn't follow hockey because I'm from Minnesota, and we lost the North Stars to Dallas, you know, when I was in elementary school,

and then we didn't have a team for so long. I never really followed hockey, and now I'm like, holy shit, these guys are badass. Yeah. And they'll tell you about it all the fucking time. That is true. Do you skate at all? Do you play hockey?

No, I don't play hockey. When PK trains in the summer, I'll be on the ice helping him. He likes to do resistance training, so I have the bungee cords. You do that for him? I really like to make him work really hard. It's awesome. But he's never gone skiing? No.

I would like him to get another contract. Yeah, I was going to say. He probably should not. Yeah, I'm going to say that. Stick to like the blue squares or some shit like that. Pizza. Pizza. I remember when we were in like high school, we were like playing high school hockey.

It would be like, can't go skiing. We don't want to get hurt. And if that's for a high school player, it's a little different. I got to get more million dollars coming my way. I mean, there's actually been a couple players. I mean, from every sport, people that have gotten hurt skiing and then they ruined their professional career.

It ain't worth it. I'm not promoting that at all. I'm like, we'll wait until later. I don't even want to go skiing with you anyways. I feel like it's like you probably can't go half-ass, right? It's just kind of boring You can't like ski.

It's just kind of boring. I mean it's like anything. If you're a professional athlete, like does Roger Federer want to play like normal tennis with me? Probably not. Right, right, right. Like I don't – I mean I like skiing with people. It's fun conversation. But like the actual technical skiing aspect of it, I kind of just want to bomb down the mountain.

What about snowboarding? I tried that once and I absolutely sucked at it. Really? You only did it once? Well, wait, wait, wait. When you say that, do you mean, like, not excellent, or you were actually bad? I was like, I fell. I mean, I fell.

Obviously, everyone falls when you try something. But I don't know. I just didn't like the feeling of my feet being stuck. Yeah. Like, I could not get over that that and I just wanted to go fast. And I also, you know, you can't see to one side and I'm like, I don't like this. It's making me uncomfortable. I can't go fast.

I just want to like have my two feet back. I did. I snowboarded for a while during my rebellious phase when I was in middle school. Pop in like my... Are you still in your rebellious phase? No, I went back. I saw a really old guy snowboarding once. And I was like, I don't want to be that. So I went back to snowboarding. I've never thought about that.

You can't be an old guy snowboarding. It's like a young man's sport, right? I had my Discman with Blink-182, 10-11 pants and jacket and I was like, yeah, this is the best. Fuck my dad. And then I had to switch back. That's amazing. Nicely done. Thank you very much.

Peek-A-Boo Street, I feel like, was kind of like the OG, right? She was the first one. She was the reason why I wanted to be an Olympian. Really? Yeah, I met her at an autograph signing in Minnesota at a ski shop, and I waited in line for like three hours to meet her. I was like, yes, sign me up. I want to be you.

I mean, then you kind of did it. I saw that incident. We look exactly the same now. We look exactly the saw that incident. We look exactly the same now. We look exactly the same. No, you look exactly the same now as when you were a child. Just like more naturally blonde hair. That's wild though to me. I'm sure so many people have that moment as

kids where you meet your favorite athlete and be like, I want to grow up one day and be that. And then you just fucking did it. Very few people probably do it. Yeah, I guess that's probably true. But I just, I don't know, something clicked in my mind. And I was like, Dad, I need to be in the Olympics. And he's like, okay, we'll make a plan.

So we made like a 10-year plan. You know, at nine years old, I'm like making a 10-year plan. Made the Olympics in 2002 in Salt Lake. And I ended up competing in those games with Peekaboo. Wow. Really? Yeah, it was pretty cool. That's crazy.

That's a testament to both of you. She didn't like me as much at that point i had a street poster on my wall when i was like seven years old really and you got a really transcend sport to be like 1995 have a seven-year-old boy have a female skier yeah 100 it was next level she was amazing yeah she was amazing she was a big character the name too if her name was like Stacy it doesn't work that's true everyone knew peekaboo very memorable names and Bodie Miller as well

those are two names that stick out well now it's Lindsay Blunt well thanks so the documentary is out tomorrow and focus on the good you killed it you had an amazing career Well, thanks. You went and did the damn thing. So the documentary is out tomorrow. Yep. And, you know, stop. Focus on the good.

You killed it. You had an amazing career. Thanks. You're the next Peacock Moon Street. We'll give you our numbers. And whenever you want to do something, send us a text. Like, hey, I feel like doing something. We'll go, nah. Nah, just stay.

Just cancel your plans and stay on the couch. Don't need to. Hang out with Lucy. Why would you want to go do anything else? I need life advice. Yeah, you do. What are you guys doing? What should I be doing?

We will teach you how to be lazy. There's this new big documentary on Netflix. You got to check it out. Yep. We'll be your TV guys. Yeah, you do. What are you guys doing? What should I be doing? We will teach you how to be lazy. You got to check it out. We'll be your TV guys. Oh, my God. I have so many shows for you. Do you watch television? I can watch a TV. I mean, I watch Netflix and Amazon.

Yeah, let's go. Start binging. Yeah, what's the thing? Pop in a podcast every now and then. Listen to this. Wait, where are you from? I'm from here, New York. Why?

What did I say? Pop in a podcast. You sound like... Pop in a podcast? Podcast. Pop in a podcast. Sounds like you podcast? Podcast. Pop in a podcast. Sounds like you're from Minnesota. I was like, whoa.

You a fellow of a Western? Well, that's a nice ring. Thanks. Well, yeah, I'm engaged. Yeah, he did a good job, huh? It's my favorite color. And Emerald is his birthstone, and my grandma's birthstone. Very cool.

When you say he did a good job, he did it all by himself? Yeah. Come on. He actually was an ass and made me believe that we were going to wait until he was finished with his hockey career before he asked me. Really? Before we were going to get married. I was like, really?

I mean, you want to wait another eight years? That's a long time. Yeah. I was like, wow. Okay. I mean, yeah. If that's what you want, we can do that. When you were growing up.

He was like, fuck. He had bought the ring three months earlier. Wow. That's a risky play. What if you're like, that fuck, that's a hot thing. Yeah, I don't like playing games like that. You never know. That was a risky play.

Well, he knew the answer. Imagine if you were like, I knew it. I knew you would never commit. You're lazy. You're a bum. Oh, well, here's the fucking ring. Here's the ring. You start saying things you always wanted to say.

Yeah, it's a dangerous game to play. Did you, when you were making your 10-year plan as a child, did you ever think that you'd be marrying a guy who you have to compete with fashionably? That's a great question. No. Yeah, never thought I would have to compete with a man for that. But he definitely wins. It's not even a question.

I mean, his closet trumps mine by like 10. Does it really? Oh, yeah. You look sharp today, if I may say. I was going to say trumps mine by like 10. Does it really? Oh, yeah. You look sharp today if I'm being honest. I was going to say, if he's beating this. I'm like dropping it, you know? I'm trying. I'm trying to be cool and barstool here. Yeah, no. Mission accomplished. You know, I got the

barstool color, so I feel like. Yeah, you did. Look at that. I mean, you brought the dog. You came stylish. You're like A-plus for the barstool appearance. I feel like P.K. would have still done better than me, but you know, I'm trying. Well, you know what? Tell him to come in. Tell him to come on by. Well, he loves A-plus for the Barstool appearance. I feel like PK would have still done better than me, but, you know, I'm trying. Well, you know what? Tell him to come in. Tell him to come on by.

Well, he loves you guys so much. I actually almost wore my hat today because I do have a PK hat. You do? I have one, yes. Oh, he would love that. He loves that stuff. I almost wore it in honor, but I didn't want you to start getting, like, well, maybe I like this more than PK.

I would have probably judged you if you wore it. Yeah. It's kind of like wearing the band shirt sort of thing. But, like, you could have had it on the side and pulled it out later, which I would have then accepted. Look over here. Yeah. It's kind of like wearing the band shirt sort of thing. But he could have had it on the side and pulled it out later, which I would have then accepted. Look over here. Yeah. But no, he's got a – his closet is twice the size of mine. That's my guy.

But he looks hot. That's why he's fire-baked. But he looks hot every time. I mean like he looks sharp in his hat and everything. So do I. That's why I didn't wear it. I didn't watch you. So do I.

You know, you got a cage. You don't need a guy wearing a hat looking fancy in front of you. Congratulations on everything. Thank you. I appreciate it. And I think the next chapter is going to be a big one for you, too. Because you're a great personality. By the way, I forgot to mention.

The Rock? Yeah. Yeah. Dwayne The Rock Johnson is my friend. Okay. Then you. Then he came to my premiere. We have a never-ending quest.

I did the social media scan. Are you going to ask me on the meet Dwayne The Rock Johnson on list now? There's a list. People ask me, they're like, I want to meet Dwayne. No, I don't want... Well, I would like to meet him.

If you can do that, yes, please. But I'm on a never-ending quest to get someone to tell me a story about Dwayne The Rock Johnson where he was not perfect once. That's not. You're not going to get that. Yes I am! One day! I just want to

hear it and be like he once was like nasty to a waiter because they brought out the wrong food. I bet that happened once. Even something that was like slightly one time he... I think if someone did find that one time it would probably trump. Anything.

No, he's literally like the most amazing, humble, kind. I know. I'm a fucking jerk. I'm like, I just want to be like him. I want to be like The Rock. But no, he's amazing. Yeah. I don't have a crush on him, but like PK wants to be him.

Yeah. And I want to be him, you know? But it's weird. Combined forces. I think him, but P.K. wants to be him. And I want to be him. But it's weird. Combined forces. I think I can see it. Yeah. If you guys stand on each other's shoulders and wear a big trench coat like kids, I'm doing the Rock Johnson.

There you go. I believe it. The funniest thing is that P.K. used to watch him, WWE, growing up, and has the impersonation down pat. It's hilarious. So next time he comes in, just ask him to do a rock impersonation. But you're never going to find The Rock ever messing up because he's The Rock. I think he's going to start making up lies. Yeah, that's what we should do.

We'll do an edit. We'll do an edit. We'll cut up Lindsay's words and be like, The Rock. And maybe you said sucks earlier in the interview. The Rock sucks. Put that out there. The Rock makes me want to kill myself. Oh, my God.

Thank you so much for coming in. You'd never believe that anyway. Thanks a lot. Thank you. Appreciate it. Turn around. Look at what you see. In her face.

The mirror of your dreams. Make believe I'm everywhere. Give it in the light. Written on the pages is the answer to a never-ending story. Reach the stars Lie a fantasy Dream a dream And what you see will be

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