KFC Radio - Howie Mandel, Movie Night At Barstool, and Cleaning Out The JT

Episode Date: January 31, 2019

We help Howie Mandel conquer his germaphobia by giving him the most disgusting chair in the office, discuss how he inspects hotel rooms with a blacklight and salad tongs, Deal or No Deal guy who gets stuck with $5, the time he got mad at Megan Markle, how he tried to turn down Deal or No Deal and had to be talked into it by his wife, and how he is the Tom Brady of gameshows. Movie night at Barstool and KFC, Feits and Kayce watch Jigsaw and debate what they would do if they were about to die. Voicemails include: cleaning out the JT, hot or cold car, and cum out the mouth or 1 liter.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio coming to you live from the Super Bowl house here in Atlanta. We have been surviving solely on Devour. Last night, fights broke out. A little Devour, Sangy, Hangy, Hango, Bango. Get yourself a Devour, hango, bango. Get yourself a devourer hango, bango. I'll tell you what, they were eating a lot of Greek food and stuff last night.

I ate a buffalo chicken sandwich. That's what I eat. That's where I live. We were like, Danielle, what did you get for dinner? She was like, I got Greek. And I was like, what did you get for dinner? She was like, no, I got Greek. I was like, you got Greek food for everyone at Barstool Sports? You think we're Mediterranean? How about you get me a devourer hango, bango? I mean, I got Greek. He's like, you got Greek food for everyone at Barstool Sports? You think we're Mediterranean?

How about you get me a devour hango bango? I mean, lamb for dinner was an interesting choice. Pita and tzatziki and lamb. You even know the names. What's tzatziki? It's that weird sauce. Yeah, I tried that. Everyone kept telling me how great it was going to be.

I tried the white sauce. Dipped my lamb in there. No. I'm not trying to eat Lamb and white sauce Right Not for me We keep it simple here We go with the hango bango

Devour hango bangos They got all sorts Of different flavors And right now I'm gonna tell you About the Philly cheese steak Ooh buddy Fresh strips

Of tender Angus beef Fire roasted green peppers Onions caramelized You'll be begging for more, all with some melted cheese up in there. And it comes on the, what was it? Almost like Texas toast, right? Your buffalo chicken just kind of comes on one piece of bread.

Not only that, it also got the little folding device. So you fold it, you get a hold of it. Yeah, the handle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm telling you what, I watched this kid eat hisango bango last night, and I was jelly. Everyone was. Everyone was like, what are you doing? I said, kid eat his hango bango last night, and I was jelly. Everyone was. Everyone was like, what are you doing?

I said, we gotta do a devour ad. And then everyone said, do we have any more? Because I don't want lamb and tzatziki. Straight up, those hango bangos are for us and us only. Sorry. John looked in the camera. He said, I'm blessed by devour. And you know what? We are blessed. We are blessed to be here at the Super Bowl surviving on nothing

but devour. If you want to get a Devour man cave, by the way, they will set you up with the TV and the decorations and the furniture, a whole man cave. You go to devour-foods.com slash sweeps. Never just eat. Devour.

devour-foods.com slash sweeps. We got Howie Mandel on the program today, that crazy motherfucking germaphobe. That was something. We'll talk about that in a little bit. Having Howie Mandel in the Barstool office was, I mean, it had to be the worst day of his life. Legitimately.

No, no, no, no. Actually, when the girls and chicks in the office talked to him, one time on the show, we actually didn't talk about this on our interview, they had a hypnotist come through. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he hypnotized Howie to touch everybody. So Howie Mandel was shaking everybody's hands.

I did see that. He said he was furious with the producers afterwards. He was not happy with the producers. Like, what the fuck? So that was probably the worst day of his life. Second worst day of his life was coming through to Barstool. Subsequently and coincidentally, it was the worst day of my life because I have never been more mortified in my life

having a guest come through and hate his experience as much as Howie Mandel hated his. It was not even that. What made me uncomfortable was just him being so clean. I've never felt more dirty. I felt like Ruxin. I was forever unclean. I felt like rickety cricket. I was sweating, which is just making myself more disgusting because I was sweating because

I was nervous. And then I panicked a bunch of times. I went over to take a swipe-up video with him, and he looked at me, and I just ran away. I cowered. I was like, never mind, never mind, never mind. I'm sorry for invading your space. I'm sorry for just being me, being disgusting. I feel like in Charlie Brown, Pigpen, you just got the dirt just circling around him all the time.

That's how I felt. And granted, that's probably the way I should be feeling all the time. That's probably an accurate depiction of me. Yeah, just because other people don't speak out about how gross we are doesn't mean we're not. I mean, if Barstool Goldie you're watching right now... You look gross. I'm disgusting. You are not good.

I'm not in a good place right now. I just woke up. We gotta do the podcast but we can do the podcast here at Super Bowl Week. And I just woke up. Rolled out do the podcast, but we can do the podcast here at Super Bowl week. And I just woke up. Rolled out of bed. Put on my sweatpants. But we're sitting here in this little corner.

We got some artwork above our heads. I like art like this, by the way. Where you got the clumps of where a kindergartner would really smooth that paint out, but a professional. Let's leave that Trump. That's probably about $2 million, that painting right there. I like it a lot. It's very nice. We should steal it. Okay.

So, how he comes through, and I don't want to, you know, we certainly talked about it. We talk about it to a large extent, but we gave him a chair that was just covered in cum. It was just covered in cum. There's no other way to put it. He was like, am I supposed to sit on this chair? I was like, yeah, what's the big deal?

Oh, there's a giant white fucking stain on it. It was too much cum. It couldn't have been cum. I refuse to believe that. I mean, we did a little research, and it turns out that prior to Howie coming into the studio, and us doing that interview, called me. Daddy was in the room room and they were talking about how to have

FaceTime sex and Alexander was sitting there in her leggings talking about how she was getting all hot and bothered about fucking finger popping

her pussy. So, guess what? It was cum. It was cum. It was cum. Howie Mandel sat in Alexander Cooper's cum.

No, don't say that because they're going to tell him. He's never going to come back. He's never going to come back. What are you, worried about a second date. Howie Mandel sat in Alexander Cooper's car. No, don't say that because they're going to tell him. He's never going to come back. He's never going to come back. What are you, worried about a second date with Howie? Yeah, it was. No fucking shot, dude.

It was. That date could not have gone any worse. There's no chance he comes back. Get the fuck out of here, man. We're going to do these voicemails in a minute, but first, giving you a little recap of what's been going on behind the scenes here at the New Amsterdam Vodka House. We had a nice little movie night last night, the whole gang did.

Yeah, it was fun. Movie night at Barstool Sports brought to you by... I think everyone always thinks it's always like... I'm sorry, let's see what this is brought to you by. Yeah, it's brought to you by Roman. Roman is the number one service for dudes out there to fix all your problems. You got... You losing your hair? They can fix it.

No. Your dick is soft? They can fix it sometimes. You got a cold sore, you need some medication discreetly? You fix it sometimes. Any of these problems, any of these issues, Roman is there for you to do it without embarrassment, to do it without wasting any time, to do it without any face-to-face nonsense, and to do

it without having to leave your house. It gets delivered right to your door. So what you do is you go over to Roman. You put in your symptoms for whatever it may be. Hey, doc, my hair is falling out. Hey, doc, I was trying to smash the other night. My penis wouldn't work. Hey, doc, I had to go on a date. I got a cold sore. I couldn i couldn't go what do i do the doctor takes a look at all these things prescribes you gets delivered right to your house that's it licensed physicians brand name medications you know what they got down they got they got a little uh little little swab it's like um like like when you get buffalo wings and they give you a little wet nap yes exactly got a little alcohol swab rub it on your dick, makes it go numb.

But it doesn't make it go totally numb. I tested it out. I tested it out a couple weeks ago on radio. I wasn't doing anything with my dick. I just wanted to see if it works. And I sat there on radio with a half-numb dick. Because, you know, you don't want it to be fully numb. That would be detrimental to having a penis.

Yeah. What's the whole point of having a penis? You can't feed it. But because those things are so goddamn sensitive get out of here we're talking about numb dicks you don't want to be a part of this daniella uh you need that you need it to be half in and half out well you want it to be fully in but you want it to be half numbs just you can last a little bit longer that's clutch and i don't know how it's magic doesn't transfer her pussy doesn't make her go no that is that is i don't know how. It's magic. Doesn't transfer to her pussy. Doesn't make her go numb.

That is. I don't know how that happens. Science or magic or a little bit of both. It's impressive for nothing less from Roman. Either way, you're going to have a full head of hair, a super hard dick, and one that's going to work extra long. God, look. All because of Roman. You just made like a Ken doll in my head.

What a pitch. Yeah. That's a handsome young man. The reality is you'll probably be a little less bald. Your dick will be like hard, but it's like, and you know, you'll go from like two minutes to three minutes. I don't think that's correct at all. I think it's, I think you're totally accurate.

That's going to be. You're a Ken doll. Full head of hair. Get Roman.com slash KFC for your free online visit right now. GetRoman.com slash KFC. Last night was movie night. We've done the Royal Rumble. We did wrestling.

We've done... I feel like people are going to listen to this and think we're losers. We are. Well, we are. The fact of the matter is Super Bowl week is very tiring. It's a lot of work. You guys haven't... Listen, if you're out here judging, you've never done fucking live radio.

It's exhausting. It is. Also, you have're out here judging, you've never done fucking live radio. It's exhausting. It is. Also, you have not been eating as much food as we've been eating. I could not possibly go out at the rate that I've been consuming shit. I can't. If you told me last night, yo, let's go out. Jared Goff is partying and he wants you to come and party with the Rams because fuck the Patriots and there's girls and there's booze

and there's free money. I'd be like, I'm too full. I don't think I can make it. Yeah. I mean, I'm not even kidding. I ate so much food I've ruined every day of my trip so far. That's just a fact. There's so much food around.

Dave was complaining about it last night, too, because there's so much food around. When there's this much food, you just eat. I just graze like a cow. Now, granted, we are impossible diva little bitches, because if there wasn't food, I would not stop complaining. The fuck is the food? But now, since we have an abundance of food, all I do is eat all day.

All I do is eat, eat, eat, no matter what. I probably had 12 cookies yesterday. What? I had 12 cookies. Why so few, John? I had a brownie and a what. I probably had 12 cookies yesterday. What? I had 12 cookies. Why so few, John? I had a brownie and a half. I had a bowl of cereal. John, I was eating.

I had two dinners. I was eating baklava last night. Two lunches. Okay. The Greek food came. I don't like Greek food. I just kept eating it. I had a devour, hango, bango.

I had chips ahoy. I had Oreos. I had two Pop-Tarts. I mean, it just doesn't stop. cereal uh hint of lime chips bottle of wine doesn't stop doesn't stop it's so it's really you know get the fuck out of here with this like go out and party and shit well tonight we have to go out and party because we have pop punk i guess i just have to stop eating plan accordingly you have to do something tonight Kevin Don't stuff yourself like a fucking

Flex force garbage bag That just stretches out Us being on work vacation Is essentially Kevin McAllister being home alone I'm eating garbage And watching garbage You better come out and stop me

Last night we ate rubbish. Should we watch garbage? We watched Jigsaw. What a fucking piece of garbage massacre movie that is. It was great. I actually, you know what? I, and I didn't say this last night in case I had to run away or something like that. I can't watch those movies. You big, big fat pussy.

Big pussy. But you did watch it. But in a group of people, it's easy. I've never, I've watched them alone before. Some, uh, Casey was like, let's turn off the lights and john was like now they're good on they're good we're good with them on he's like no we need to turn them off i was like we've been searching high and low for the light switch no john actually said that he was like nah we don't know where the light switch is she was like there's one on the wall right there i

heard her be like what are you talking about it was perfectly visible like no one's been able to find the lights this entire week. It's just, we've all been sleeping with the lights on in this house. I'll tell you what, you watch a movie like Jigsaw with some coworkers and you learn some things about people because, you know, there's death and there's like moral dilemmas and all sorts of shit in those movies. At one point, there's these two people, they're trapped in like a silo and all of a sudden starts filling up with like corn, right? Some sort of fucking like a silo and all of a sudden starts filling up

with like corn right some sort of fucking like yeah it was a hay feed of yeah it was a hay feed of sorts and the whole thing was like they're gonna drown and as they're about to drown which by the way i've seen that that used in movies before i feel like i could just keep swimming at the top yeah what if it fills all the way up that would that would take days i feel like i mean it filled up halfway in about four minutes well it's movie magic i i think if i was in i would just be like okay i'm gonna keep going at the top and then you lay across like quicksand like we learned how to get out of quicksand porn yep you lay across like quicksand casey we're about to talk about you um yeah why don't you pop on here because you said something last night that was just well we're watching jigsaw we have an extra

mic or we'll just do uh uh so we're watching jigsaw last night and these two people are about to drown in like in corn and she was like if that was me i would just start fucking what what i was saying was if you know you're about to die and you're both good-looking people, you should just fuck before you die. I feel like I... Look, see, that's some classic female stuff right there. What do you mean?

Because in stressful situations, sometimes the man can't perform. And if I was in the process of dying... This guy was drowning in corn while knives fell from the sky and stabbed him you think that he's like yo let me hit that girl okay i was more operating under the assumption that maybe you could like pause time for a second what an outrageous assumption to operate under you could just pause time what are you fucking doctor strangely just get you just get out of the silo in that case like if i could just pause time what are you fucking doctor strangely just get you just get out of

the silo in that case like if i could just pause time i'd pause time and then open the silo door and stop drowning i would not be like okay have sex unpause let's have sex again didn't you say in the moment that you could understand if you were dying that you would just want to fuck that i said that to to really to appease you i was watching the movie listen you you you said something like yeah i would just have sex and john went what are you talking about and i know my guy here that was a genuine like wait what i think he actually told me that he was like you're one crazy bitch you know that i think that's actually what he said about but i what we've been talking about on the radio about girls that have like the fantasy of like the serial killers and all that and how weird

that is for some reason when i was watching that movie last night i was like i kind of get where this is coming from uh for the record like being attracted to like a serial killer is a lot different than having sex while you drown in a silo of corn being stabbed with a pitchfork knives raining upon you like fucking like you got like uh poseidon's mad at you he's gonna cover your feet just throw and trident like i mean it is it was an outrageous i'm gonna call it an accusation in retrospect it was not very smart but i stand it. We were like three bottles of red wine deep, and it sounded like it made sense. I also said at some point that I thought Jigsaw was hot. You buried the lead on that one, too.

We were going to get to it, I think. I did say when you watch movies like that with people for the first time, you learn a lot. Because there's just a lot going on. A lot of moral dilemmas. A lot of philosophical questions. I mean, Casey turned him into a superhero. Casey wanted to hook up with Jigsaw. We mean you'd fuck him.

He's doing good. He's killing bad people. Yeah, he's also 70 and his body is riddled with cancer. Okay, that's semantics. He is... I was operating a subject to rewind time to when he was younger and hotter

fuck off fights no he is killing people that have done bad and to be fair i don't know if i should say what you compared it to while we were watching it but it was just a wild comparison what did i say you tried to compare what jigsaw was doing to the columbine shootings oh yeah because you were like you're like i was like this is not even close to this you're like you're like you learn a lot about people you're like he's giving people an opportunity to save themselves i was like well in columbine they gave an opportunity to to rebuke god and save themselves like they didn't like that doesn't make them good but what i said was is that the people at columbine were not they weren't bad people then like five minutes later we find out that the girl that was fighting for her life like suffocated her kid and blamed it on her husband.

And her husband hung himself. And I looked at it and I was like, does this look like Columbine to you? John Feidelberg, does it? It got off the rails last night. Real fucking quick. I forgot about the Columbine section of the program. That was wild. My ears perked up and I heard Columbine.

I was like, I'm going back down here. Not only did I hit her with a Columbine, I also hit her with... She's like, yeah, but they're kind of like swindlers who are killing people with their jobs. I was like, oh, so we should do this to Big Pharma? I don't know.

You guys were behind me on the gadget. I was like, I don't know what's going on up there. A lot of dogs. Big Pharma, columbine having sex with jigsaw i would i still stand by the fact that like he's so smart and he's not actually killing anybody that it does make him no matter how old he was a little bit more attractive than if he wasn't that i mean he's decidedly killing people no they're killing themselves he strapped their heads into a bucket and pulled them with a chain into a fucking spinning saw but the spinning saw was because the guy sold the kid the motorcycle that was faulty and i'd also like to point out that that's not really a reason to

to torture somebody the kid died and he knew that the brakes were faulty. I'm going to keep defending my guy here. But I will say that, I mean, spoiler alert, if you haven't seen Jigsaw, which I didn't even know existed. None of us knew that until we bought it last night. The guy who fucked up his x-rays, you said fights when we were watching, you were like, this is not a reason for him to die. He fucked up an x-ray

and what happened? He saved him. After strapping his head into a bucket and almost slicing his back apart with a spinning saw. But he saved him. The bar is just so unbelievably low. I'm going to kill Casey right now and then save her.

You're a fucking hero. Can we pause time so everybody can fuck first? Too goddamn early. Get out of here. I would say, like, let's... All right, this is usually the part of the show where we go off the rails and do voicemails, but I think we're going to get back on the rails with the voicemails.

Fucking A. Voicemails are brought to you by Squarespace. You know that Squarespace is what we use for our latest storyboards. Dennis Robbins, shout out to him. He's out here doing all sorts of shit on the internet. He's making videos, going viral. Replying to KFC radio. Talking to us about how he broke his dick three times.

Three times? At least. I mean, if you talk about breaking your dick three times on the record, you've got to have like seven or eight more off the record. I don't know. I feel like if I'm admitting I broke my penis multiple times, I'm going to give you the real number. You're probably going to get all of them. I don't know, though. I feel like if it was me, if there'm admitting I broke my penis multiple times, I'm going to give you the real number. You're probably going to get all of them.

I don't know, though, because I feel like if it was me, if there was a fourth, I think I'd be like, I can't. They're going to think I'm lying. I can't tell them I broke my dick a fourth time. And then if there was a fifth, sixth, seventh, you know. I mean, I believe you. If you broke your penis. We were just talking about this, man.

Nobody on the internet believes anything anymore. I know. That story's fake. Is it fake that Dennis Rodman broke his dick three times? Why do you believe that one? People didn't believe that Nick Cannon banged two Russian midgets in Dubai. I fully believe that Nick Cannon fucked two Russian midgets in Dubai.

Nick Cannon has multiple children with Mariah Carey. That's crazier than the admissions in Dubai. Hey, Nick Cannon, tell us your craziest story. I married Mariah Carey. How come you guys aren't like, that's not real? So anyway, Dennis Robin, the worm, such a fascinating character. I needed to make a storyboards about it. And he's such an interesting dude that we needed to make sure we deliver it on point.

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We talked about melting fights. We unfortunately talked about my glow up. By the way, I'm brave. I want a little credit for my bravery. You got bullied. That's not bravery. Fuck. I was looking for a little bit of credit, and I just got shit down my throat.

You come to the wrong place, friend. You want credit. You're a bully. You want credit, call Mama. John, you're a bully. You want the truth, you come to me. You want the truth, John? Shut up, Casey.

You don't control time in a fucking silo. You're a bully with a black heart, John. You're a mean, mean person. Cold-hearted, mean-spirited. Accurate! It was just so rude. So rude, I had to confront my fear, put out my fucking picture, all because of my life partner.

Shit down my throat. Yo, by the way, the video of that guy doing a front flip and shitting at the same time in slow motion. If you haven't seen it, I don't even know how to like, I don't know. Can you just Google like, man, front flip, slow motion shitting. Coley McQuote tweeted it. It is, you know what I did this morning? I just spent time like with my thumb on the scroll just going like right back and forth from the exact moment that it like went into his butt and his

dick was like flopping in the wind the way that the turd like breaks and then comes back together and the rewind is just it's really magic it really is honestly that that is so internet 1.0 that video i mean i remember i used to watch this video in E-bombs World. This guy, he put on a pair of plastic shorts. It was just like a plastic, almost like, you know, the bags that you put McDonald's cups in? You know, they give you a bag that holds them. It was like those, but for human shorts. You just put it on and took a shit.

And you just watch the shit just like spread all over the fucking cup, the bag. And I remember being like, this is what the Internet's all about, huh? This is what we're going to do on this year worldwide web and like 25 years later kind of the same thing now we just got slow motion effects though this guy doing a front flip with what is i mean the long turd the longest poop you've ever seen i just think about the logistics of like one two three jump and flip and brace for impact, but also like hope that the poop doesn't land on you. It's a lot.

It's a lot. I don't even know how we got there. I don't know, but we got to go somewhere else before I start throwing up. We talked about the glow up moving too fast doesn't save numbers. Let's talk a little, would you rather. What's up, KSC Fight Superproducer DC? I have a hypothetical for you guys.

Would you rather, actually. Would you rather have to always drive in crappy winter conditions for the rest of your life? You know, powder, slush, sleep, black ice, whatever. It's not a fun drive or would you

rather have to drive on a very hot summer day we're talking 100 degrees with broken ac and like leather black seats so you know the hot air is coming in from outside even if you pop the windows open and your car is burning your legs your hands regardless you're shaking your head definitely bad conditions really yeah i don't even think bad conditions are that bad i think i think that stuff's like impossible for people who haven't driven in them i think if you've driven in bad conditions it's not that bad i don't care about it but i care about how people, like there's traffic all the time, and it's a disaster. I had a fight with that, and I was seeing open roads.

When I hear that, I just picture driving up to Vermont to ski, and it's like no one lives there, so it's really not that bad. Yeah, I mean, what was it, a couple months ago where there was a couple inches, but New York, New Jersey was not ready for it? Right, right, right. And it took people eight hours to get home from their regular-ass commute? Can't have that. I don't like that at all. now the sticky black leather seats and the hot air and all that shit

that's a disaster i mean that's crazy that just used to be life you know when you get into a car when you go to like a day game and baseball game you're leaving your parking lot for like four hours and you get out you have to get in your car it's like jumping into a fire yeah it's like oh let me just get in this fireplace on wheels and you're also like you get sunburns just like hanging your hand out the window yeah and then you get the weird like i did i used to get that like driving down to florida like when i was driving to school half your face and i would just get like i'd have like my arm out the window like i'd show up just sunburned like i'd show up with my two face it would be like half my body would be a totally different color yeah than the other half of my

body brutal absolutely brutal uh i mean it's what it's it's basically about like just personal Half my body would be a totally different color than the other half of my body. Brutal. Absolutely brutal. I mean, it's basically about personal discomfort versus convenience of getting where you need to go. And I'm always going to take inconvenience over personal comfort. You'd rather be personally uncomfortable. No. You'd rather be comfortable. I'd rather be comfortable. So you'd rather be comfortable in your car and just take way longer to get get where you need to go yeah i don't mind being in the car it's it's fine for me yeah i i actually find there's something

soothing about traffic these days you know what happened to me i realized this the other day i used to hate traffic when i liked my life when it was like fuck i gotta get home like because once i get home, I can hang out with my friends and like do something fun or I got to go out or I got to be here cause we're going to go somewhere cool. And when it's like, I just like go to work or go home. I got to watch the kids. I got to run errands.

I got to like do this, that. I don't fucking care if I'm late. Yeah. Who cares? There's no, there's no reason to be. To misery. So what? Yeah.

Like it's like being uh being on time to your execution yeah no point doesn't matter no point in it it's just gonna no point at all i i can just i'll be i'm gonna be a half hour late guys you're gonna have to string that guillotine up a little longer yeah you got some time get the crowd the townspeople in there fill it up with the pitchforks and the torches and yeah have the king give it give it a once over get some extra like lettuce and tomatoes to throw at me once i arrive boo and hiss i mean and really also hang on the car and listen to taylor swift also you know with the on demand and netflix and whatnot doesn't matter if you're late yeah you know it used to be

like shit i gotta get home for lost because it airs at eight o'clock now it's like well put on whatever i want whenever i want which by the way speaking of that i don't know that dave knows that's a thing well yeah he was very confused last night that we always watch things on demand keep watching old stuff it's like yeah we watch game thrones we want to watch game thrones watch wrestling because we can. Like, Dave just, like, still, like, opens up his TV guide magazine. Let's see what's on Channel 2, 4, and 7 tonight. What time is it?

I got to watch my stories. I got to watch my program. Fucking old asshole. So I don't, I sit in traffic now. I'm just like, whatever. Put some music on. It is kind of harrowing. That's the other thing, too.

You know, you put on a podcast. You put on your favorite radio show on demand in the car it's like well i would either be you know listening sitting on my couch listening to some sort of entertainment or i'm sitting in this car seat here what's the difference yep it is i mean it is like scary when you slide out of control that is scary i've i've done that i almost died three times driving in the snow and i'm still choosing that that's how much i hate so close i've i have one time i almost went just off the side of a mountain just straight up off the side of the mountain i was going to sugar bush and uh my buddy lived like the bottom of like a winding road and it was like like like real winding and it was like just starting to break just wasn't happening i think i think i hit the brake once i think i gave it one try and i was like well i threw in a college effort

like no barrier you just went no barrier it was it was just luckily there was so much snow that there was a barrier yeah but it was there wasn't like an actual barrier you just uh skid out of control you just see i mean i didn't even skid out of control i just i went straight into it it was i tapped the brakes once i was like well not fast we go i had a buddy in the car with me just like hit the brakes i was like i hit it man what am i gonna do i wasn't i wasn't going fast i wasn't i was going down a hill covered in snow i was i was going the appropriate speed and then uh we just sat there for a while we actually had booze in the back of the car so we just got booze just passing around some beers back and forth and then we just sat there for a while. We actually had booze in the back of the car, so we just got booze, just passing around some beers back and forth, and then luckily the tow truck drove by and pulled us out.

Sugar bush, huh? Sugar bush. That's what I got your mom stored in my phone ass. What's up, KFC, Flight, BC. Kevin from chicago i was out on a date uh this past weekend and we got to kind of talking about what is the biggest salt in the wound uh post breakup thing that's ever happened to you so for example uh i thought things were going well with this girl and was like oh i'm gonna buy her a bunch of flowers this year and signed up for that extra like membership stupid move where the shipping is like free or whatever uh for example she used to date this guy uh who left his watch at her apartment

and she's like fuck he's not getting that back so just curious what is your like i didn't follow anything his biggest salt in the wound was that he bought more flowers i didn't follow any of that but your worst salt in the wounds breakup okay i'm gonna let you take this one you know it's very funny i was like hmm do i have one i had to think about it for a second um yeah i mean i'll let me pull up the page six daily mail people magazine articles and i'll see man what a move that was solid solid i became international news that was that was a tough one for me i was i don't know she went full cersei on that one which i respect i love that she went uh what's that stuff called

uh fire fire um wildfire wildfire she went wildfire on my ass just fucking blew up the scepter or whatever it was called the The sept. The sept. That was me just in the sept. And... Ow! Mad king on him. I don't know. I don't know where I have one. I don't think anything's really...

Well, no. You do. It's just like it didn't work. Like, the girl was probably like, this is going to hurt his feelings and piss him off so much. And you were like... I mean...

Did it? Did it really, though really though girl you know what i mean i don't think i don't i honestly don't think i have one you don't think somebody tried like in fifth grade i'm sure like vanessa probably kissed another guy in front of me or held the guy's hand at recess i got over that pretty quick just clearly um uh that's about it. I don't even remember her name or anything like that. Specific about it, yeah. That thing that happened. Definitely not on my brain at all. 27 years ago.

Fuck you, Vanessa. Fuck you. I don't think I have anything. What would you do? What could you do for a post-breakup soul in the womb? I could probably put up my own instagram but i'm not gonna not that kind of person i mean but like everyone kind of used to do that shit where you like you go on facebook and you like put up like pictures like if you're partying and

stuff like that yeah you try to win the breakup yeah the one who's like living their best life or whatever but the thing with the the thing with winning a breakup though is like by trying to win you automatically yes i think exactly i think i mean you know in an ideal world you just naturally are partying and what you really need is people like tagging pictures of you right doing it for you uh but if you are if you are showing that you're attempting to win the breakup you've lost because it's like i i know that i'm in your head so much that you want to win yeah that's like even like even if you get a girlfriend like right away and it's like oh he's already got a girlfriend even that is dismissed to me like if i broke up with a girl broke up

with me and she's like she's already got a new boyfriend that's like oh it makes it easier oh definitely like oh then oh i'm i'd be thrilled like it would be solid first of all I think that you almost can lose a breakup if you if you are in a relationship too quick. It's like you're doing that because of me, too. Yes, exactly. But even if it's genuine, then it's like, great. Right. Then I skate it. If you want to.

But I guess that's under the assumption that like, you know, we're usually it seems like we're usually in a situation where like they're dumping. They're mad at you if you're like in love with somebody and they dump you and they're like they move right on to the next you'd be hurt by that i i suppose i don't know um they're experienced it but the i i think the only way to throw salt in one of my breakup is like you got to be miserable for 10 years that's that's the way to get to me be miserable for 10 years and you're so hot and i'll be like you were the one like yeah i feel really bad this is awful this is salt in the wound well what if like uh what if you were breaking you broke up with a girl

she started dating some guy or even just like on her own she was like going to like really like a really cool like fashion thing what if she was like she's like in the world of clothes and fashion and trends and like that would have been you and you just got like left behind what if she was at like the like the off-white virgil abloh runway i wouldn't i wouldn't know i wouldn't know what if what if you know i wouldn't know what if everyone was tagging you like john this dude it should have been you, like, dapping it up with Kanye. I would.

I'm very good at putting up walls. In fact, I'm arguably the best in the world. You might be the GOAT. I'm so incredible. I think you're the greatest of all time. My brain is a submarine. Yeah. Cut it off.

That one's sinking. That one's submerged. Lock the door. There's, like, my brain is a submarine. Yeah. Cut it off. That one's, that one's sinking. That one's submerged. Locked the door. There's like, there's like your bit of emotion. Like you, you have like empathy. It's like, let me out. Come on. Don't leave me behind.

And John's was like sealed. See you later. Empathy. There's like a bunch of like, you're, you're pleading with me and there are sharks with you. And I'm like, dude, nope, nope, nope, nope. And then the rest of the emotions look at you like what have you done you're like i had to save us all right all right anger all right bitterness we gotta live

so i'm like i think if that happens people start tagging me i just delete i delete that entire social media app it would be done i wouldn't have it anymore like oh you keep tagging me on twitter guess what i'm on twitter anymore one day you're gonna have to just delete yourself and that's called suicide i'm like i'm i'm i have a lot of mental quickness my my brain is a submarine it's also like the kid and like the neighborhood growing up who was the fastest ran like a four minute mile can't catch me nope you can't catch me yeah you can't you can't get the cow it's like nope and pin me down yeah and make me feel pain you can't do it i'm too fast you can't pour me it's like nope and pin me down yeah and make me feel pain you can't do it i'm too fast you can't pour the salt because i'm gone you're trying to pour you missed you missed

i'm i'm floyd mayweather i'm just coming up with analogies all over the place here you can't lay a fucking punch on me you're nuts go ahead keep going we need a meme of like of floyd like dodging but you're muhammad ali in the corner when he dodged all those six punches and then he did the shimmy. That's like John's ex. Just be like, look at my new girlfriend. Look at me living my best life.

Look at me on vacation. Look at me hot. Yeah. Look at my, I don't know. Maybe that would be the way to poor soul. And then it's just him still on his couch. Just shimmying it up.

Bang baby. Impossible to hit. It's so funny. Cause it's sad. Anyway, that guy was talking about flowers. I don't know what was his problem because he signed up for some extra thing to get free shipping. I don't know about all that nonsense. 1-800-Flowers.com makes it so simple. You don't have to be like that guy. I don't know why he had such a hard time buying flowers when there's people like 1-800-Flowers who have amazing deals and good shipping and affordable prices to make sure that you keep your girl happy. You don't have to have

any salt in the wounds. You won't be breaking up because she'll be getting a beautiful bouquet from 1-800-Flowers and everyone's going to be happy. They can ship overnight to ensure freshness and ensure her amazement or his amazement. You know, it's 2019 and this copy is always about him buying for her. How about we flip the script? I want fucking flowers on, I was about to say Halloween. I want flowers on Valentine's Day. John, if you don't get me Valentine's Day flowers this year, I'm very emotional. I'm going to.

I'm all alone now. I need flowers. You need a fucking submarine brain. Bro, bro. Bro. Hey, John. I have a submarine brain. Just to be clear, we're like dueling submarines or something.

We're like riding next to each other. I got a fucking submarine too. You 5'7", 1"? Yeah, exactly. We're just cruising together uh the i think we flip the script and just start sending flowers i talked about this the other day how i i've once got in trouble for not sending flowers on a random day i think we flip the script you send them on valentine's day but you gotta send them twice this month yeah oh yeah send them another time yeah i was saying you go a day early it'd be like i couldn't wait

you know until the 14th or you send them late like go a day early. It'd be like I couldn't wait until the 14th. Or you send them late, like send them on the 15th and be like – I don't think that's the option. I don't think that's the move. You have to get on the 14th. Oh, okay. But then I think you send them the 15th too and be like – because one day wasn't enough.

Yes, yes, yes. Or the rest of the world has stopped thinking about it, but I can't stop thinking about you. I did that once. I made a girl a list. I think it was 51. It was low 50s. I forget exactly what it was. about it but i can't stop thinking about you i did that once i i made a girl a list 50 i think it was 51 it was low 50s i forget exactly what it was like 51 or 53 reasons i love you um i'm romantic as fuck um bro but it was wait how old are you uh like college okay because realistically

there's like four yeah well it was like i was like it was like, I'm just saying you do that now. You do that as a 30-year-old man to a 30-year-old woman, and she's going to be like, well, 48 of these are lies. It was like there were a lot of like cutesy little things, but I had on the headline because 50 isn't enough. But in reality, I had started the list with trying to find fill out 100 and i couldn't get past like 53 so i just flipped the marketing i like it like it's like you can cross to the top 100 reasons 53 because 50 is not enough there's white out on the page

it's like a tattoo that you have to modify. It looks all fucking different. It just wasn't enough. It was actually, I was 47 short. I mean, the standards you would have to drop to get to 100. I'd be like, I like the way you put your socks on in the morning. I like the way you eat your w on in the morning i'd like the way you like the way you waffles you like movies i always wanted a girl who liked movies what if some girl wrote a list for you john what

do you think could be on a list how many do you think she could get to kevin seven do you think she'd get do you think there's seven things that a girl would like about you no and if they do something wrong with there i mean i really don't think there's seven things i love your submarine brain i like i mean it's the seven things i hate about you sure yeah it's my my cyrus song your hair your eyes your old leave eyes when we kiss i'm hypnotized the way you laugh the way you cry you make me feel something inside. That was romantic. Anyway, 1-800-Flowers. 7 things by Cyrus. Heater. 1-800-Flowers has bouquets and arrangements starting at $29.99.

Go get it right now. It won't last long, and delivery fills up. You can't just magically have shit delivered from the 13th to the 14th. You've got to book it now so that you'll be on the schedule first come, first serve. Bouquet prices are going to go up soon as well, so take advantage today. 1-800-Flowers.com you click the radio icon in the top corner then you enter the promo code KFC and you can get the bouquets and arrangements starting at $29.99 it's 1-800-Flowers.com radio icon promo code KFC let's let's do let's talk about i already talked about penises never mind let's talk about ice cubes yay that was ice cube kfc super producer bc so i want to get your opinion on what you would

do here i've been uh recently like me and my girl have been getting into bed, and sometimes when we've got like a fresh glass of ice water, she'll just, like, take to dumping water on my chest and then just, like, a lot of water on my chest. And so, like, you know, it's fine. A lot of water. We get at some sex, and then afterwards, you know, we're running our post-sex errands. She's got to clear out her jizzy twat and I'm like sitting there trying to figure out what the fuck am I supposed to do. Did he say her dirty twat?

I don't know. I mean that would be an outrageous thing to say. I'm trying to figure out errands. She's got to clear out her jizzy twat. Jizzy twat. Come on, man. Bro, this is a good voicemail until you said that.

She's got to clean out her Jizzy Twat. I'm going to pretend that didn't happen. I'm not even doing that. JT. It's too early in the morning for that. I'm not doing that. All right, let's. God damn.

Towels and all this kind of shit. And I have to sleep on this wet ass side of the bed. I mean, I can't get over it though, John. I'm not talking about it. I'm laying down a hard rule right now. I'm not talking about that. I've long said that I don't like using words besides pussy and vagina.

I don't like using adjectives for it. It's just a pussy or a vagina. It's a noun. I don't need an adjective to describe it. What if he said it was a commie pussy? using adjectives for it. It's just a pussy or a vagina. It's a noun. And I don't need an adjective to describe it. What if he said it was a cummy pussy? Nope. No, I don't want no adjectives. You know, what's funny is he said, you know, she uses the ice cube for fellatio services. He kind of softened everything else.

And then he just went really hardcore for the JT. Holy shit, man. Anyway, I think this is a funny voicemail, too. This dude just ruined Justin Timberlake for me. I'll never think of JT. I'll never hear JT again. John Tavares, Justin Timberlake. Nope, this dickhead.

This fucking asshole. Are you kidding me, man? It's a real shame. I think it's a very funny voicemail. This guy's just getting water dumped on him, like a lot of water. Can you imagine that? You're like, okay, she's going down on me. This is great.

And then it's just like Splash Mountain, splash mountain like you're in the splash zone like this is not ideal the bed is wet i got the water pooling up in like my clavicles it's going down my pits it's hitting my sides which are sensitive it's cold fuck i did that once in college i tried to like like pour whatever where it was like but you did it with a natty light. Yeah it was a natty light. That's a big difference. Which is like the most outrate. It's worse. It's worse to have a natty light poured on you than water.

It's way worse John. I can't believe you're saying that. You said yeah but you did it with. Yeah I'm saying like yeah because it's awful that you did it with a natty light. Well you're saying it's bad with water too. It's even worse with a natty light. Yeah but implies the opposite reaction. Yeah but the fact that you did it with a natty light. Well, you're saying it's bad with water, too. It's even worse with a natty light. Yeah, but implies the opposite reaction. Yeah, but the fact that you're even comparing these two things when yours is way worse. It is way worse.

Wasn't she like, don't ever do that again to me? She didn't even let me do it. Yeah. It was like, what the fuck are you doing? Why is that beer raised above me? I was like, do you smell it on the rock? This is a stone cold thing. Girls, it's not hot to just like dump water on me

i don't know i'd be down with it i mean i'm not gonna like stop like i'm not gonna i'd be i'd be i'd be absolutely fine if you threw a water in my face i'd be absolutely fine with that that makes one of us just blow me would you yeah i think i would all right i think i'd be like pretty okay with it i don't i i think i might be like, maybe we don't do that all the time anymore. And like, let me, let me get some plastic sheets before we do that again. But,

uh, cause there's nothing worse than sleeping in the wet spot. Oh, the worst. You like be, be it from just sweat, water, other fluids.

Doesn't matter. Like, and, and because you're a gentleman, you always take the wet spot. Yeah. You're like, don't worry,

I'll sleep in a puddle tonight. And it's like, you wake up in your feet. Don't worry. You're like, don't worry, I'll sleep in a puddle tonight. And it's like you wake up sick. This is not great. What are we doing here? There is nothing worse than the post-nut clarity with a wet bed of squirt. Like in the moment, you were like, this is the best thing that's ever happened. And then afterwards, you're like, this is a catastrophe. What are we going to do here now?

That's right. And kind of like when you see movies, you're like, that's right. Like that's not real. Like they didn't actually jump building the building with cars and fast fears. That's right. In a porn, like they go home to their beds. They're not sleeping on that leather couch.

This is. That couch is just covered in fluids. We are able to leave that have to just sleep and it's it's awful it's like oh wow it's soaked all the way to the mattress so i can't even just take the sheets off great and they wake up like did you pee the bed what are you talking about you did you were here you're the one who peed in it what do you mean i didn't do any this is i'm not taking the blame for this this is look i'm i'm i'm very chivalrous i take the blame for a lot of things i'm not any this is i'm not taking the blame for this this is look i'm i'm i'm very chivalrous i take the blame for a lot of things i'm not wearing this one i'm literally wearing this one but i'm not wearing it figuratively let's do uh last voicemail of the day it's brought to

you by twillery you want to get yourself some twillery shirts i saw you had some twillery at your desk the other day sure they look very sharp and they feel very soft. They're actually incredibly soft. They're stretchy. They make you look jacked. Yeah, well, they make you look jacked. Thank you. Not great for me. That's what we call fishing for a comp. That's what we call putting

yourself down because you don't look good in the shirts. These shirts, usually about $100 for a shirt of this quality you're gonna get them for 55 through twillery they have uh price that is soft cotton well it's you know about yeah i mean i round out i'm a rounder okay twillery shirts they're comfortable they're easy to care for they look good and they fit perfectly it should be as simple as you know going to the grocery store and grabbing a bag of milk, a carton of milk.

You just go online. You get these shirts. You know they look sharp. You know they're high quality. You know they're going to fit right. You don't have to go through some hassle. You don't have to worry about sizing. You don't have to worry about any of that through Twillery.

They pass on the savings to you, and they are innovative, meaning they use less chemicals. And most importantly, let's cut to the chase here. You don't have to dry clean them. You don't have to iron them. You don't have to dry clean them. Do you know how much money you save? I mean, seriously. Not by dry cleaning off.

It's like 60 bucks a week. Every time. And if you, I mean, if you think about how many times you're going to dry clean a shirt over the course of his life, when you have like a favorite shirt, your shirt now becomes like $700. Yeah. So these are going to be $55. You do the math, John. $700 minus $55.

$645. Bam! That was your fastest ever. You don't have to fold it, worry about hanging it, worrying about wrinkling it, no dry cleaning. It looks good, it feels good, and it's affordable. What's the problem? Oh, can we make it even better?

KFC Radio listeners, get $25 off your first shirt order when you go to twillery.com slash KFC. That's T-W-I-L-L-O-R-Y dot com. It's a $30 shirt? Slash $30 shirt. That's a much nicer shirt than a $30 shirt. You are killing it with the math, too, though. Yeah, $30.

Go get it. Last voicemail is actually a this was a dm submission from sean mcguire would you rather every time you come comes out of your mouth or every time you come it's a liter of soda it's a liter bottle i mean this is kind of what we're just talking about like a liter is just too much of it's just too much but you know what i gotta be coming out of your mouth is a catastrophe it's a catastrophe that's my word of the day i would just i would you guys everything is about role play brendan's face is just horrified i would just become um the the uh the jurassic park dinosaur that kills newman So every time I was about to...

The Dilophosaurus. Every time I was about to cum, I would go... And then I think it's like a little... It's a role play. It's like it becomes a hot thing. It's something that was about to kill you. Oh, does it? Does it become a hot thing? Every time I... Is that what it is? A hot thing?

Is that girl like, oh oh my god you're so hot and he's gonna come he's gonna puke i mean i hope he doesn't come i'm just gonna spit cum on my mouth um i think that's the only way if you can just like a liter of soda they both left logan and brendan just left the room it would be like you'd be like you'd be like pumping you back yeah yeah yeah you there no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no there no no no it just came it just came no look at so much electrical cords down here

yeah that's also a problem that's also a problem there's a problem when you have a leader going everywhere it's such a problem it's not a problem like that's

that's a leader is is so much like if we just dumped a leader you missed me coming out of my mouth do you know how much

that was that was for you baby it was like it's just dumping like think how much that was still gold that was for you baby it was like it's just dumping like think how long that takes a long time five seconds to pour out yeah one time i dumped a beer on a girl's head at a bar and it was 16 ounces and that's about a liter i think i think a liter is even more liters like 30 ounces yeah liters so it's double that so it was definitely like glug glug glug glug glug glug glug on this girl's head imagine if that was double that and come you know how long that's like pouring out a bottle of syrup i was like

pouring out a bottle of maple syrup it would take so long it's it's you just can't you can't you can't choose that so it's gotta be coming out of your mouth it has to come on your mouth otherwise i think you know every time like think about you ever watch those points with the fake cum where the one guy yeah it's just like those are pretty cool it's pretty cool but think about what you jerk off well you know you just go to the bathtub. That's so much mess to clean up. Don't worry. John, you want a mouthful of cum every time you jerk off?

It doesn't like, it doesn't just come in your mouth. It shoots out of your mouth. It's not like you're getting in your mouth. It shoots out. You have, oh, there's a spin zone. You basically would have like a, like a, like a urethra coming up your neck. Oh my God. It would.

You'd have an extra. This guy's mad about the JT. Now he's talking about urethra coming up your neck. Oh my God. It would. You'd have an extra... This guy's mad about the JT and now he's talking about urethra in your throat. Well, this is metaphorical. That was literal. He was... You would have just an extra thing like a venomous snake

or like a spider like spits out that stuff. You know, like snakes have that thing in their teeth. You know when sometimes you open your mouth and the spit like shoots out like the little like... Yeah, that's called like... Bleaking or something like that? Bleaking, yeah. What... What's that about? Gleeking or something like that?

Gleeking, yeah. What is that? I don't know. Why do we do that? I don't know. What's the fucking... What's going on there? Why does your body ever do that?

I have a lot of questions about my body. That's at the top of the list for me. That's up there, yeah. What is... What is... Was it gleeking? Yes. Gleeking. What is gleeking spit? What is it? Gleeking? Yes. Gleeking.

What is gleeking spit? We're going to do a... In general, gleeking occurs when an accumulation of saliva in the sublingual gland is propelled out of the stream when the gland is compressed

by the tongue. The stream of saliva is released. But why? But why? Why? I don't know. It's like, why do you fart?

It just happens. Well, you need to get rid of the methane. Whatever, dude. Fucking dista scientist. Weird shit, man. it just happens well you need to get rid of the methane whatever dude fucking just a scientist weird shit man uh let's get this fucking show on the road here and get the interview going because we are just today was disgusting in so many ways on just so many levels today's interview with howie mandel which was a, is brought to you by Simply Safe. I didn't think it was a catastrophe.

I thought it was a good interview. It was fun. It was, but it was fun because it was a catastrophe. I mean, it was 15 minutes of him being like, I'm never coming back. So that's pretty awesome,

but let's call it a state of speed. It was a half hour. We had a full half hour. Yeah, but it was 15 minutes of him being like, I'm never coming back. Right, right, right. Yes.

But there was some cool shit, too, about how he didn't want to do Deal or No Deal. He almost didn't take it. First comedian. Coming up as comedians. A of cool stories uh from howie mandel he was in little monsters he did bobby's world you know he's a legend of the game so uh it's brought to you by simply safe fear has no place in a place like home okay simply saves a mission from day one is to eliminate the fear so that you can live in peace and happiness.

And this Sunday you'll see a commercial during the big game, the big game. So KFC radio to the Superbowl. That's what we do around these parts. I actually was on a conference call with them. They said that we made so much money from the KFC radio promotion that we could afford a Superbowl commercial. So that story's fake. Security sensors are tiny. They blend in with your home and they provide around the clock professional monitoring. It's the best home

security from a lot of the publications like the verge and wire cutter and more than 3 million customers already know it and protect your your home today when you go to simplisafe.com slash KFC Radio. That's S-I-M-P-L-I safe.com slash KFC Radio to protect your home and your family today. That's simplisafe.com slash KFC Radio. Howie Mandel. Talk to him.

We're live right now. We're recording right now with Howie Mandel and the chair we gave him is gross and I'm embarrassed. They go, it's not, well, it's stained. Yeah, that's not great. It looks like there's like a fluid. It's stained from fluid. I can assure you it's not where your mind's at.

Yeah, it's like somebody spilled a coffee or a drink. I don't understand where your mind is. Ah, this sucks. I'm already sweating right now. How can you assure me what this is without even seeing it? I saw it before you said it. I offered to change the shirt. What is that?

What is that? What is that? It's a coffee. It's not a coffee. It's got to be a coffee. Because there's no way that I can prove you wrong. But you have no idea who I am. I'm like a germaphobe.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. We all know. No, but I carry a blacklight with me when I go into my hotel room. Smart. Oh, really? I didn't bring one to this show because it's not a hotel room. Oh, you thought you were going to an adult entertainment place.

I thought I would. Oh, no. Maybe you did. All I ask for is a stain-free environment, but not here. No, this is. I mean, I'll be honest. I'm surprised you even came. If you're, you know, the germaphobe thing is.

Even the fact that you're using that word and I'm looking at this stain. You want to switch chairs? No, because I would imagine. You want to stand up would imagine you want to do the end you're standing up i don't want to do that that's probably stained too but it's a it's a naga hide so you can't see it i'm on a fabric i'm on a fabric chair where you can see are you can you guarantee me no fluids have been on that chair i can't no i can't make that promise i can't make that promise. I can't make that promise. Why are you not funny? I'm dying here. This is a... I can make the promise, but...

I mean, I can't make that promise. But who comes and does a radio show? Like, why would there be... There shouldn't be that much fluid involved in a... Or seepage involved in a... You know what promise I can't make you? I haven't put any fluid on a new chair. How do you know?

I know. I know. You can always speak for ourselves. I haven't put any fluid on the chair. How do you know? I know. You can only speak for ourselves. I haven't taken my pants off in here in a long time. So why do you assume for something to be emitted, the pants have to be off? Do you think it seeped through? You have sealed pants on? No, I just don't have much pants seepage going on. I'm confident in this.

You're trying to make me second guess myself. I'm confident in this. You're trying to make me second guess myself. I'm confident in this. No, you know what the thing is? I was going to buy, because I'm on the road and I don't pack, and I went to buy underwear the other day. And I was in Bloomingdale's. And I saw they had, and I said, where's the men's underwear? And the guy took me over to the men's underwear section. And he showed me the underwear.

And he goes, these are good. They're moisture wicking. And I don't even know what that is yeah and if moisture well apparently your guests have had this problem hey we got apparently your last guest didn't didn't wick his or her moisture but i said what is moisture wicking like if if and he said it absorbs it and dries quickly and And I'm thinking, like, I don't want to wear underpants that absorb and dry quickly. If, if, if I was unlucky enough to moisten my underpants, I want to change them. Yes, I need a new pair. And I say that even if they got moist before I was doing this show, I would have changed them.

Apparently somebody without moisture-wicking underpants was on your show recently. It's embarrassing. It's honestly really embarrassing. I'm, I would have changed them. Apparently somebody without moisture wicking underpants was on your show recently. It's embarrassing. It's honestly really embarrassing. I'm like really sweating now, so maybe I'm about to get moisture on this chair. I feel embarrassed. That's what I'm saying. You're saying you're guaranteed. How do you know when your ass is sweating?

Look, I'm pretty in touch with my body. It's not a nice one, but we have conversations here and there where it's like, look, dude, we're sweating a little much. I don't sweat a lot at all, actually. I very, very rarely sweat. We discuss this a lot. I don't have any body hair. It's very strange.

I'm like an alien of sorts. Like an inside-out cat. You don't sweat? I don't sweat a lot, no. When I go to the gym, you know, like twice a year, I drink like six bottles of water because it's the only way I can keep my body temperature down because I don't sweat it out. I think something's actually wrong with me. Yeah, no, I think it's actually a medical problem. You're just hermetically sealed.

Yeah. His whole body's moisture-wicked. One day you're just going to explode. You're like a water balloon, like a talking water balloon. I drink 100 waters a day just to try and stay cool because I don't sweat. It's unfortunate. So that's why I'm sticking with my word. I'm moisture-free here. Moisture-free. I'm glad I'm in a. It's unfortunate. So that's why I'm sticking with my word. I'm moisture-free here.

Moisture-free. Moisture-free. I'm glad I'm in a moisture-free zone. You said to us, like, you don't know me. Like, I'm a germaphobe. Like, everybody knows you're a germaphobe, Howie. It was like red alert. Well, then the fact that you do know me and there's three chairs in the room,

two of them are taken by you, and this is the chair you left for me. If you would like to switch chairs, I would love to. I'd like to assume you didn't know that I had that issue. No, I didn't know the chair was taped. How long have you had that? Was it since birth? No, since I walked in this room. I was never a germaphobe, and I walked in this room, and you guys have made me germaphobic.

How do you even come? I'm the first person to tell me that. I've had a couple of gals mention that to me. Really? How do you even come to New York City if you're a germaphobe? I'm the first person to tell me that. I've had a couple of gals mention that to me. How do you even come to New York City? I look the part. Don't let them shame you. Don't let these germaphobes shame you. I love that from everything that it started with a stain and it always comes back to you.

I don't have fluid. I have no seepage. Women have given me the women become germaphobes around me. I feel bad for you. I feel like I'm in a group therapy section. You and me both. And it's your turn to talk. That's what this podcast basically is.

It's just one giant therapy session. Thank you. How do you even come to this city if you're a germaphobe? I feel like everything here is like, it would drive you crazy. You want me to be totally honest with you? I'm really medicated as I speak to you. Because it's specifically that.

Yeah, well, and other things. I have other issues. So I'm medicated and I go to therapy. And I hope that my therapist is listening to this broadcast and is so proud of it. This is a breakthrough. I'm sitting on a stained chair. This is a breakthrough. We're helping the cause.

Actually, your therapist called ahead. Yeah, this is part of the barstool. See, I assumed I'd never been on any of the shows on this network, but barstool sports. It's not barstool sports. It's shitty stained chair sports. Shitty barstools.

This is not a barstool. This is a chain, a shitty piece of fabric I'm sitting on. I mean, I'd offer you the barstool, but I feel like you wouldn't like that one either. That doesn't look great. That doesn't look great to you. Compare it to this. Listen, all this looks good to me. You want to sit on the stool? No, I don't want to sit on the stool. I don't want to sit on any.

I've already said, I'm trying to my goal today, and I'm not even trying to be entertaining. I'm not trying to get through it. I'm just trying to just touch as little of what's ever in this building as possible. I feel you. From the moment you walk in this building.

Me and you both, brother. Yeah, it's just, even the fabric behind you. This is a disaster. The chair runs up against it. Well, there are images. I see you have a camera here, so people are seeing this. They could see this online. Yeah, it's part of the charm.

I bet you it looks good. Charm. Yeah, Barstool charm. We've actually, our president, our boss. Here, is this for online? Are you doing it for online? So come and take a picture of this. Come get the stain. So they don't think I'm a...

No, Howie's right. I will vouch for Howie. What is that? It's disgusting. What is that? It's problematic. What is that? I'm embarrassed. It's not great. I'm embarrassed. What is that? I blame... You know what? If it was in this area, I. It's not great. What is that? I blame. You know what?

If it was in this area, I'd go with spillage. This area would be spillage. Can I tell you what I honestly think it is, but I'm afraid it might make it worse? Then don't. Then don't. What do you think it is? I'll hear. I think it's someone's, I think it's like handprints.

It's like right in between your legs. I think someone was like sitting kind of like just like holding the chair. I think that's like. No. That's off of somebody's hands? That's more disgusting. The only part of the chair that would be touching there, nothing else touches there.

No, but every orifice we have as a human being, that's the direction that anything would come out of. Do you really think someone peed on the chair? No! I think it's worse. Yeah. That's the Michael Scott scene when they're at the convention Oh, I think it's worse. That's the Michael Scott scene when they're at the convention doing the blacklight,

and it's like it's either blood, semen, or urine. Michael Scott's like, I hope it's urine. The blacklight in the hotel has to be a disaster very often, no? Yeah. We've really buried the lead there. How often do you go into a hotel and it's clean? Well, it's not that I go in and it's clean. Obviously, as human beings, we leave forensic evidence wherever we go.

But what I do is I remove the forensic evidence. So I have the black light, and then with salad tongs, I remove the comforter. And then with the towels, I make a path for myself from the bed to the bathroom because I don't want my feet to touch the carpet or my socks or anything that I own. This is exhausting, right? For you? For you. Oh, I thought... Can I pitch you on gloves?

Like I haven't thought of gloves. Salad tongs seem way more difficult than gloves. Get some surgical gloves, throw those things right in the trash, you're done. Salad tongs, way more difficult than gloves. You get some surgical gloves, throw those things right in the trash, you're done. Salad tongs, see, that seems like you're like a, I don't know, some kind of new mechanism. And then you gotta worry about the salad tongs getting dirty. No, the salad tongs don't

touch where I see the stains. Okay. But I'm saying if you travel with your salad tongs and then those get dirty, that's one more thing to worry about. You should see me with the TSA guy. Go, why do you have salad tongs and a black light? I go, come on. It makes sense.

I'm going to do Barstool Sports. Or sometimes they just ask, oh, Barstool. Well, we apologize for the steam. Wow. It's been 15 minutes of apologizing. It's okay. Guess what? We got 15 more coming your way right It's been 15 minutes of apologizing. It's okay. Guess what? We got 15 more coming your way right now.

Really? Sorry. Have we reached the halfway point? I don't know. I'm just going to keep apologizing. That's what I do when I'm in trouble. I just say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry until the person never talks to me again.

And that's about what's going to happen in about 15 minutes. I think we're trending. I'm pretty sure this is going to be a one and done, right, Howie? Is this your way of inviting me back? There's an open invite for you to come back. I just can't imagine you ever taking me up on the invite. I'll make you a promise right now. New chair, new guest appearance.

Okay. Well, we got a new office coming up in a couple months. It's going to be beautiful. How do you know? I have a feeling that this office was once beautiful, and then you guys. No, you'd be mistaken. Beautiful is a feeling that this office was once beautiful, and then you guys. You'd be mistaken. Beautiful is a strong word. We were in over our head when we first came here.

Next office, we know everything we need. State of the art. Bathrooms are going to be clean. How long have you been in this office? Three years. Two, three years. We were supposed to be here for five years. One floor.

We had to expand to a second floor right away. Wow. And now we're packed to the gills here. We grew a lot faster than we thought we were going to. So we're stuck here right now. You didn't think this was going to be successful? No, we didn't think it was going to be as successful as quickly as it was. I know.

It's blown up. Yeah, it's blown up. I'm thrilled to be a small part of that. I don't think I am a part of that. You are. Now you are. After this interview, I can promise you. You're here.

You're a part of us like we're a part of Deal or No Deal. We watch it. We help grow it. Wow, what a segue. That was amazing. You're a part of us like we're a part of Deal or No Deal. We watch it. We help grow it. Wow, what a segue. That was amazing. I wanted to get off the sorry. I wanted to get off the sorry. That was seamless.

My segue was going back to the apologies. I was going to ask if you apologized to that poor bastard who got the $5 the other day. Oh, my God. That was a lot. The hardest thing for me as a host on Deal or No Deal is not to throttle somebody's neck. Yeah. And I try to if you watch that. And for those that don't know what we're talking about, I have Deal or No Deal on CNBC.

Nine o'clock Wednesdays are new episodes. But there was one particular episode that you're talking about where the guy played all the way through to two remaining cases, $5 and $750,000. The offer was something like $340,000. And in Deal or No Deal 2.0, you can now negotiate. So he could have, and I know, I asked the banker, he could have said, you know, half a million dollars, and they would have. Really?

They probably would have given him the half a million dollars. But he goes, no, I feel like I got the $750,000. And he just went with that $50-$50 shot. But, you know, a $50, and he ended up leaving with $5. And I thought, do you feel bad in that? Yeah, I would rather have $0 than $5. It's like a slap in the face. It is.

It's like going to college and you get like a $46 on a test. Yeah, just give me a $0. You really tried here, too. You didn't just leave everything blank. You gave it your all. I do get angry because he's in control of that. I'm a big advocate of a bird in the hand. For somebody who won't touch anything, that's a weird thing for me to be an advocate of.

But a clean bird in the hand is worth more than—this saying is from the 70s, so it used to be two in the bush, but that's in the 70s. It's just two on your lap. That game is just really mathematics. If you know how to do any of what the bankers are doing back there, there's a number you should pretty much always take, I feel like. You can always roll the dice, but it's like it was funny. Well, it is odds. I probably would never be cast as a player because the odds – I don't gamble and I don't bet.

And I don't – just because I don't. So if the first offer was $10,000, goodbye. Done. It doesn't make for a great entertainment. I don't bet on sports, but I watch sports, you know, and I can't. I'm so afraid to lose money and then end up with nothing. I'm with you, man. I'd rather buy a piece of shit.

There's a lot of guys here. No, I know. That's what this whole deal is about. But the one vice I don't have, and I'm happy I don't, because the lows are way lower than the high for me. But for me, I'd rather buy a piece of shit, you know, for a lot of money and have that. At least, you know, if I bet on money and for and and have that at least you know if i bet on something and i lose then i got nothing gone yeah but if i spent three hundred dollars and i got a shitty chair in chair at least you may think i'm an idiot but this is

there's a lot of memories yeah it's some value it is and there is there's no value in losing do you ever feel the need or have something inside of you saying let me just cut this guy a check for 10 grand like like lewis lewis green i think his name was that guy who lost like do i like i would feel guilty because i'm a little sissy boy and i would be like but do here i'm so sorry for you here's a check and i know what i have what i do have the feeling 20 bucks they They warn me as the producers on the air. They'll tell me to stop. If you watch the replay of that, again, I said, hey, listen, this is – it's a TV show and maybe you're in this like little fantasy world of being on TV.

But this is real. That money is real. And you're just married and you have a new baby. It's $300,000. So not about writing a baby. Do you know what his case has? Okay. No.

Do you remember that movie Quiz Show? Yeah. So that was about the $64,000 question. And ever since that debacle that somebody cheated on a game show, standards and practices on television and probably on radio have really tightened their reins. And it's like Fort Knox at deal or no deal. We have a third party, like another company that randomizes all the cases and puts the amounts in. Our executive producer doesn't know. The models don't know.

I don't know. Obviously, the contestant doesn't know. We don't know what I don't know. Obviously, the contestant doesn't know. We don't know what's in what case. And when we're making in production, when we're making our way to the set, if one of the girls accidentally flips a latch by accident on the case, and even if you don't see it and it doesn't open, they shut the whole production down. It takes an hour to take the cases out of the building to another building where they re-randomize it. You guys must hate when models do that. It's like, oh, Stacy. There goes lunch. There goes lunch.

There goes lunch. And then, you know, like, it is horrible. I remember once getting really mad at Meghan Markle. Yeah? No. Ah, damn it. I don't even remember Meghan Markle, but I know that she was on the show.

Chrissy Teigen was one, I believe. Yeah, I remember her. And then Hillary Clinton for two years was number six. How long was Markle on? I don't know. I don't know. It had a real – I mean, Deal or No Deal is – I mean, I remember when Who Wants to Be a Millionaire came out,

and it was like changed the landscape. Right, and then Deal or No Deal was right behind it. Right behind that, and I did like 500 shows in four years. So that's why I don't remember. And I think Megan did like two seasons maybe, and I think she was rotating in the numbers, so I don't know which number she was, but I don't remember her.

So you didn't score an invite to that, huh? I didn't. I was not invited to the nuptials. No. I was not even invited on any of the dates. I wasn't able to. Ungrateful. I'm sure she is.

But, you know, she owes me. I think she does, right? I think she absolutely does. I gave her the start. I put her on the map. We had soldier equity in these people. And he was talking about how he demands 5% from every modern rapper. I gave her the start. I put her on the map. We had Soulja Boy in here yesterday. And he was talking about how he demands 5% from every modern rapper because Soulja Boy put all of them on the map.

He started streaming. He started social media. He started all of this. And he wants 5% from every single young rapper alive right now. Is he serious? Oh, he was dead serious, Allie. This man's on a different planet. You're familiar with the

animated cartoon world. This guy is straight Roger Rabbit, plucked out of the animation, put into the real world. But he knows that this is outrageous. I don't think so. I don't think so. He is blissfully unaware and 100% serious. It's actually very interesting and incredible to talk to a person like that.

We don't operate on the same plane of existence. We are just. Did you say that? Did you come on? I'm going to download it. No, but we I mean, we were kind of like busting his balls, like kind of in right in front of him. And we were joking and just not to not to toot my own horn. But in 2005, when I got offered deal or no deal i was i said no you know i didn't want to be a game show host and there was not one comedian as a game show host for years not since groucho marx did you bet your life in the 40s and the 50s johnny carson did it is that considered like beneath kind of well i don't know if the word is beneath but when you're you know as a stand-up

comic which i've done more than any one thing, you may want to use that as a segue. But as a stand-up. I was going to bring it up. No, it doesn't matter. I'm going to let you do it. I'm not going to. But as a stand-up comic, when your currency is irony, the game show host was more of maybe the punchline. Yeah.

And so I said no. And I said no five times. My, my career was really waning. I wasn't selling tickets. I wasn't getting spots on television. I wasn't getting, so I thought that would be the nail in the coffin of my career. My wife made me do it. I was really embarrassed that I did it cause deal or no deal. There is no game. There's no, uh, there's no skill. There's no trivia. There's no nothing. And then, you know, empathy just took over, and I just wanted somebody to leave in a better place than they came in as.

You know, I want them. I don't want them to walk away with $5. I want them to. So when it was going to air, I flew out of the country to a place where I couldn't watch TV, someplace in the Caribbean, thinking that I was just about to be, you know, nationally embarrassed. And I got a call saying this thing went through the roof and the next night it went higher. And the next night I was wrong. But so right after that happened and it was so good, the next show that was launched was, are you smarter than a fifth grader?

So Jeff Foxworthy took that and then family feud replaced, they put Louis Anderson in, and eventually Steve Harvey. And they did 1 vs. 100 with Bob Saget. And I've seen other comedians So you should get 5% of all that. 5% of every comedian that hosts the game show,

I put them on the map. You are the soldier boy of game shows. How would Mandel tell them? I am. I'm the soldier boy of game shows. Howie Mandel, tell him. I am. I'm the soju. The soju boy. Soju boy of game shows. That's who I am.

You know what? I will say. And you're going to tell your next guest this, and you're going to go, you know, Howie Mandel is delusional. He operates on a whole different plane. You are the skill of deal or no deal. I understand the game itself, but like the way that you build the drama and whatnot, watching that guy, unfortunately, just lose everything. I mean, the way you built that up, you are the star. I'm actually surprised that game shows ever worked without a comedian being in charge.

You know, it's really funny. They said to me, I got the call from my manager, and they said, this is the biggest game show in the world. You know, America was the last to get on board. It was a huge success all over the world. And my manager called me and he said, NBC wants you to do this game show. And I went, nope, I didn't even listen.

Nope, no, that's not where I want to go. Calls me back in a half hour. He goes, listen, NBC, it's a big broadcast network, is going to devote, you know, five hours in succession on a week to this game. They had never done anything like that before. I went, no. Even the thing that I don't want to do, I don't want that much exposure on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're making it worse by telling me.

The third time he calls me, he goes we just can they pitch you i go you know what okay but i don't want to even get in my car i'm in a deli right now in the valley if they want to come over and talk to me let them i'm not gonna even stop eating my soup for this so the guy shows up rob smith uh from endemol shows up and he shows up with a – it looks like something you would have here. He shows up with a – This is not going to be good. No, but he shows up with a – A dead cat.

No, but what I'm saying is they told me that it's NBC. It's five hours of broadcast network television, and he's going to make this presentation. I would think he would have at least gone to Kinko's. It was like a seven-year-old had done a school project and not a talented seven-year-old. He cut out of an art card and he cut out all these cases and these numbers and he moves my soup and he starts playing it. Don't touch my soup.

Don't touch my soup. And he starts playing. Maybe that's what this is. It could be soup. Could be. Do people come in here with soup? Sure. Oh, yeah. Sure. That's soup. That's soup. and he starts maybe that's what this is it could be soup could be do people come in here with soup food oh yeah

sure that's soup that's soup anyway so he um anyway what is that smells delicious

I don't know I've never lit it but I've smelled it it's a scented candle but it's not lit so what's the point of having a scented candle that's not lit

I think it's against New York uh yeah we're trying to follow the rules here. I don't think you can have lit candles in the state of New York. I bet you like the candles when you two are alone. Yeah, you know it. So anyway, he plays the game, and I go home, and my wife says, what do you think?

And I said, I'm not going to do it. And she goes, why? And I said, it'll ruin my career. And she goes, where are you right now? And I said, well, I'm standing in the kitchen with you. She goes, where were you? And I said, I was ruin my career. And she goes, where are you right now? And I said, well, I'm standing in the kitchen with you. She goes, where were you? And I said, I was just at the deli. She goes, that is your career right now.

Take the deal, idiot. Deal or no deal. So here's the thing. So I called them up. It was a Friday. And I said, OK, I'll try it. Wait, by the way, was there anybody else in the running here? Wait, so let me tell you this.

Because they were telling me they chased me three times in that one day. And they're going, we can't do it without you and you're perfect for it. You know, we can't think of anybody else. And I'm thinking, like, what is it about me? I've never seen a comedian on a game show. I don't know what it is. You know, I'm not that, you know, starched Bob Barker kind of guy. Like, I'm the opposite of that.

Why are you, why me? So I called them back and I said, I'll do it. And they went, great. That's exactly, we know we have it. It's in the bag. And I go, when does it tape? And this is Friday. They said, Monday.

And I go, well, Monday. Don't you need to build a set? They go, it's built. I go, well, don't you need 26 models? They're cast. So how far down the list was, how many people have said no? Who turned it down when you had to finally, you know what? We got nothing.

We got shit. Call Howie Mandel. It worked out, brother. Yeah, right? I mean, you're all for the best. Tom Brady was picking 199, sixth round. You're right. I'm the Tom Brady of game shows.

There he is. I am. Wow, I love that. I didn't even think of that. That's a great analogy. Thank you very much. I prefer the Soulja Boy, but we can go with Tom Brady. So how many people were invited to be on this broadcast today?

Like, what number? We were clamoring for you. Okay? Clamoring? Yeah, we wanted you bad. Wow. How long have you been on the air? Seven years.

And this is the first time I've ever been asked. Well, we're only— You were waiting for the chair to be— We were only—we're not in your stratosphere. We knew we were. Until recently. We weren't close to Howie Mandel. We were not Howie Mandel status for a long time.

Well, we did this on Skype for five years. Mama, you made it. Wow. But look at this. now you've reached you realize when you look around you realize boy my career has come to i'd kill to be in a deli in the valley right now you know what i do have though i wanted to bring up with you is that we've had a couple of guests come through who have i I don't know if it's herophobia to your extent, but they have an aversion to touching people. And I've

caught that. I've been infected with I hate touching things now. The truth of the matter is, like people come up to me all the time and they go, I'm a little like you or I have a little bit of the OCD. The truth of the matter is, even though I joke about it and I use laughter as a panacea to get through, if you really knew how I, it stops my life, you know, and it's really an

issue, but I can see it is, you know, nature versus nurture. Cause I've made my kids neurotic and I've made everybody around me neurotic and I've made everybody, you know, so I realize if you're around this, because what I'm saying makes sense oh yeah but to the extent that it stops your life makes no sense so intellectually I know that if I touch somebody's hand I'm probably not

gonna die today unless I shake somebody's hand and then get hit by a bus which has not which isn't it's rare not yet well you could do that it all could happen like you could shake you could bet somebody I'll bet you I could walk in front of a bus, which isn't... It's rare. Not yet. Well, you could do that. It could happen. You could bet somebody. I'll bet you I could walk in front of a bus. Let's shake on it. There you go.

Then that's how shaking somebody's hand could kill you. I do. We'll wrap up here, but I do have to say that Little Monsters just tormented me as a child. Sorry. It scared the hell out of me. I'm sorry. It tormented me as a child. Sorry. It scared the hell out of me. I'm sorry. It tormented me as an adult. I have to say.

The saran wrap over the toilet must have like driven me crazy. No, no. It wasn't that. It was the fact that I was, for those that don't know, I did a movie called Little Monsters with Fred Savage and I played a monster which was shot in Wilmington, North Carolina in August. I do sweat, unlike you, and they didn't have – I think they have better prosthetics today than they had when I did that. But I was totally wrapped in latex.

Oh, my God. So now I know what it was like to be you. Wait. At that point, are you – do you have germophobia? Has this been forever? Well, I'm wrapped in latex. And I kept going to the hospital because I would – all my pores were blocked. It was too hot.

I had heat, whatever that is uh heat stroke and uh you know because we weren't in air condition you don't have air conditioning when they're rolling and it was really really tough for me and every night they'd peel it off and i'd have to sit there for four hours a day it was like a nightmare you and and uh though i have a whole new regard for my penis, because it has also spent time on a hot night wrapped in latex. There he is, folks. That's a walk-off. That's a walk-off right there. Thank you, Hal.

Drop the mic. Great stuff. Thank you so much, Hal. Thank you. That was a blast.