KFC Radio - Howie Mandel Returns, Buy Me A Drink Before You Give Me a Prostate Exam, & If T*****s Could C*m,

Episode Date: June 25, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, Leave a Review. We kick off the episode discussing how drug dealers are walking casually through the street side bars of New York. (16:62) Hookin up at your parents house as an adult. (28:19) AITA Thursday Kicks off with a man who accidentally saw his roommate's boobs. (40:40) AITA: Man misinterprets his doctor suggesting a colonoscopy as the doctor making a pass at him. (50:05) AITA: Woman catches her boyfriend sucking on a used pregnancy test. (58:36) We preview our experience in the Barstool Hot Dog Eating Contest. (01:16:52) Voicemail: What Celebs have the best sex life? (01:31:11)Voicemail: A Barber for men's genitals? (01:39:45)Voicemail: Caught Laughing During Dirty Talk (01:46:34) Howie Mandel returns to the show. He talks to us about how he's been doing during the pandemic. We discuss the new show he's producing on Quibi called Kirby Jenner (the forgetten Kardashian). He tells us about his relationship with the Kardashians and how he got them involved with the show. Howie goes on to tell us why he loves producing new content and much more.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I don't know if I do a good job sucking Teddy. I might be a bad Teddy sucker. I might be a great Teddy sucker. There's no fucking physical evidence of one or the other. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. This is a seminal moment in KFC Radio history. It's a historic episode because we're redoing it, which is something we've never done before.

We've made that up before. Like in the Skype days, we might've forgot to record because of like a technical issue. Yes. We didn't press record or, uh, the end of the audio really crapped out on us or whatever. This one we're rerecording.

Cause it was just so bad. It was, it stunk. We've, I hope it does. I hope this one doesn're re-recording because it was just so bad it was it stunk we i hope it doesn't i hope this one doesn't stink i was gonna say now we gotta like bring the heat but we we are the type you know we don't script anything we don't really even do much planning we'll kind of have two three topics that we expand upon and then a segment and then we're done and we always just kind of bullshit shoot the shit and luckily i will say that um i mean i don't know about you but to this day we're i mean probably upwards of like 2 000 episodes in right and i still will be like oh boy like we only have like two or three things to talk about i i hope this turns out good and it just usually does like we

just we we converse enough and we shoot the shit enough and it just spirals out of control to be funny and i'm always like wow we really we made something out of nothing there and it got to the point where i'm like pretty confident that we will always make something out of nothing it's not just coincidence every single time we know what we're doing and this time we made nothing out of nothing it was crazy and i'm so happy that you brought it up because as we were doing it we uh to look behind the curtain we started talking about baseball and how it's back but we don't really think it's going to be back because of coronavirus and you know that that's about it that was like that's all we need to say and we did it for like 27

minutes i was that's the whole take baseball, but not really, and you're an idiot if you think it's going to be back. Next topic. That's really all it needed to be. I mean, at 2 o'clock today, there's going to be another announcement. The PGA Tour is going to make an announcement because a bunch of their players got coronavirus. I'm guessing they're probably going to say, Tour's off. It's what's happening to every sport.

I don't want to be the Debbie Downer. I don't want to be the guy who's like, ah, fuck you for being happy. I understand hope. I understand wanting to be happy. I just don't think it's going to happen. I just don't want to be the Debbie Downer. I don't want to be the guy who's like, ah, fuck you for being happy. I understand hope. I understand wanting to be happy. I just don't think it's going to happen. I just don't. And not anytime soon. But as we were talking about it, I remember thinking like, I was just repackaging the same sentence over and over again.

I was like, saying it this way, saying it that way. And I'm looking at you. You're kind of like looking at your computer and kind of being like, yeah, yeah. I was looking for something. I was just looking for anything. I was looking for a fucking, I was waiting for like a fucking message from God to come on the computer

and be like, talk about this, guys. There was just nothing. I needed some breaking news on the TL desperately. And it just didn't come. We were just waiting for a lifeline. It never happened. And then after we got onto another topic like you flat out said like uh i don't even know i just like boy like that that whole first chunk was terrible i was like oh thank god thank god you

agree because that was uh like it was an embarrassment to our our reputation so we're running it back we're redoing a little bit maybe one day it'll be a part of our like cutting room floor you'll get to see what i believe to be the worst episode in kfc radio history but it actually kind of made me confident because i do think uh it's very rare that that happens yeah i mean we both noticed it doesn't happen a lot right and it doesn't happen almost ever i mean it it's um i hope that it's not like i hope that the audience has never been sitting there going oh boy they should have cut this one but um you know we had a good run of like a thousand straight where we never needed to redo it or script it or edit it or chop it up. But here we are.

Take two. There is one thing I wanted to bring up again from the first time. Lots of drug dealers in the streets of New York. Yeah, let's talk about it. See, that's what we should have been talking about. The unintended consequences or the little changes that arise from coronavirus. You know, we're all wearing masks. We know that. All the things that are blunt and hitting you over the head and a drastic change in society.

Well, things you didn't see coming. Drug dealers in the streets. If you are just because all the bars are outside. So everyone's just sitting on a sidewalk and drug dealers just walk by and go i got coke i got coke i got coke you shouldn't buy it not that i did this time but yet there has been a time in my life in the last two years i bought drugs off a guy in the street so i've done meth um but the but how did that go for you that was a bad experience didn't sleep for three days i saw somebody uh i'll tell you how it went for me got a tattoo yeah well it could have been worse even even that like i saw some clip the other day it was on

social media or someone's uh uh stand-up act whatever it was it's like meth will make you go gay it's so crazy that's what make you be like yeah i'll suck that guy's dick whatever that's that's some shit when it will change your entire sexuality yeah it fucks with your dna fucks with who you are as a person it's like i was born this way but then i did meth and i switched the other side you come back crazy you do meth you come back like an astronaut who's just like his dna's just all switched and stuff and that mark kelly they compared him to his twin brother and they're like wait you're just a different person now that's what meth does to you ever see that movie uh the guy goes to mars and he comes back like part alien and he's like fucked up i think it's gary

sinise is the guy but yeah that's what matt does like you you you know your your chemical makeup changes and you're just a worse person you got a little bit of meth in you you're bad now you're a bad guy uh but yeah so these dudes are just uh kind of like hollering at you like almost like um you know the way people ask you to like sign up for some shit on the street yeah well i mean like it hasn't happened every single time i've been on an outside bar it's happened twice. And how many times have you been out? Like four? Yeah. So we're shooting 50% on being accosted by drug dealers.

Right. And they just walk by and like, yo, we got coke, we got coke, we got coke. They don't even break stride. It's very impressive, actually. They're ready to be on the move. Which, to be honest, is actually pretty polite. Well, I've said that, that You knew the Coke boys are definitely hurting because no one does Coke and sits in an apartment.

So all quarantine, they've definitely been like, we gotta start moving weight. And the second the outdoor bars got out, they're like, time to start pounding pavement. We can't rely on our numbers anymore. I actually really respect that. They're

committed to the craft you know what i mean it's like we gotta we gotta make this shit happen yeah it's like uh scalpers are back yeah where it's like we gotta we gotta get out we gotta holler we gotta we gotta push this stuff you know cocaine is one of those things usually just sells itself cocaine is like uh gaz being the sales guy circa like 2009 10 and in barstool boston it was just like wait for the phone to ring and a bar is going to pick you up and say like can you have our party here and then you're the sales guy you know like people usually just want cocaine and they will find especially in new york city yeah you'll you don't have to go out on the streets you don't have you know you might have to

uh you know don't buy it from this guy or this is my turf or whatever but the product you're selling you don't need to be doing much selling on the product the cocaine yeah everybody knows what you're getting why you're doing a few drugs that you have to sell i mean you have to sell you have to sell like none really but like i guess for a non-user yeah like you'd have to sell me on me you have to sell me on basically anything except weed or cocaine. Yeah. Even, like, I done fake Molly once at an MGMT concert at Fordham in, like, 2006. That, like, took some convincing.

Really? Yeah. 06, huh? I think so. I guess 07, maybe. It would have been my freshman year of college. So I graduated high school 06. So I guess 06.

You were at Fordham in 07? Yep. What'd you do where do you remember where we went no i remember i fell out of a i got pushed out of a bunk bed in the morning hit my head right on a fucking bureau i remember uh i remember those bunks they were actually felt a little bit higher than your average bunk bed i remember it was a far fall i remember uh thinking like my buddy's nose was like touching the ceiling. He was up there.

Look at you, doing a little fucking fake Molly at Fordham. We probably crossed paths. Yeah. Well, I mean, did you go to MGMT shows? I don't even know what you mean. Like, at Fordham? Yeah. The band was there. It was, like, spring weekend or fall weekend or something like that.

I mean, I loved Electric Feel. Electric Feel? Yeah. I loved Electric Feel. And I don't remember going to see them yeah it was fun it was also the first time i ever did cocaine at that show and and honestly god like it was out of the movie i coughed and blew it all away and luckily it was my buddies so he's like that's pretty expensive you know and like a college like just by accident or like you had sniffed it and then i sniffed it like 100 it was

we're in this girl's bedroom who i'd never met and it was like lined up on a picture and i did like i started and went everywhere was it your first time doing it yeah so yeah you were just like a rookie and like I did. I started it and went. Everywhere. Was it your first time doing it? Yeah. So, yeah, you were just like a rookie and like flustered and just. I mean, in that moment, I would have just gotten up and left. I'd be like, here's, you know, here's $100.

Like, sorry about that. I got to go. I'm going back to fucking Florida. I got to go practice my cocaine. I'll be back. I'm going to go to Florida, figure out how to get better at this and when I come back I promise we'll do this right

so you know drug dealers in the streets is an interesting you know there's some good that comes out dude there was I didn't take a picture of it there was

so they're all like the restaurants have one street like one like the parking spaces you can't park from anymore, you can put outdoor seating there and so the bar I go to, Factory, they put out

like kegs so you could have to hold the spots, but the restaurant right next door only put out cones people don't respect the cones so someone had just pulled in and parked there and then they just had tables set up around this car, right? And I respect all of it.

The guy comes back. He's a surgeon. I don't know if he was actually a surgeon or he just popped over to iParty and bought himself a surgeon costume. And the people eating at the tables didn't get up. So he's just trying to get out of the parking space while literally six inches in front of him, two dudes are sitting there having a beer and a lunch. And then six inches behind him, two girls are sitting there having

a beer and lunch. And he's just like, it's like the Austin Powers gif. Where he's like trying to get out. And he's just like, little bit, little bit. Little bit, little bit, little bit. I was like, guys, just get up and move the table so the guy can get the fuck out of here he went through all this trouble to buy a surgeon costume

it's a whole production here man I think that drug dealers in the streets open container and I would say tickets for me the lack thereof of tickets this guy had a ticket.

Oh yeah. So they're, yeah, they're coming back. And the reason why I said it is because I noticed I do alternate side in front of my apartment, which is just a, just a motherfucker. It's so stupid. This street sweeper comes by and he kicks up the dirt and that's it. It doesn't really clean my street at all. And I have to worry about getting, I think they're like $75 tickets.

Dude, I still have, like, I wake up in a panic still sometimes when I hear a street sweeper. That's some shit you'll never, like, that's PTSD. You'll never get over that. I know you don't dream, so you're not used to it. But when you have those dreams of, like, I missed the test or I'm not going to graduate or whatever, that's like the real life version of it where it's just. Yeah, like I hear a street sweeper. Where's my car? Did I move it?

Fuck. I haven't had a car in five years. So why don't you chill out, John? I have not gotten a ticket in three or four months now. It's been a fucking delight. Tickets in general, you can go like a hundred

right now and no one's pulling you over. Not right now. Now it's starting to come back. At the peak, they were not pulling you over. I saw like five cops on the track down here. Now they probably got to get those numbers up so now now it's probably the opposite but there's been a few uh things about quarantine that you know you know me mr optimism mr half glass half full i'm trying to see the bright side of things so drug dealers open container really would be a game changer if they you know not gonna leave it be but if they let some bits of that

linger just like if they relax the laws a little bit that will be a great unintended consequence of all this pandemic there are some bad ones too though such as well let me know the bad bad consequences on top of you know hundreds of thousands of deaths uh the bad consequences uh of coronavirus you can learn about it in a newsletter. How about that? The Hustle. I'm going to be honest. I already signed up for this last time when we did the show.

Yes. Let's make it again. John's going to go sign up. We literally, as we were doing the ad read, John was like, I'm signing up for this immediately. And I think you should, too, because The Hustle is a daily newsletter that cuts right to the chase, gives you basically cliff notes on life.

You want to be – you know what's annoying? It's Cliff's Notes. It's not Cliff Notes. No, it's Cliff Notes. I know, but it's not. But it is. Yeah, it is. No, no, no. It's like those guys should just change their name.

Yeah. Cliff Notes for the world. You're learning about business. You're learning about technology. You're learning about health, current events, anything that's going on in the world. You're learning about business. You're learning about technology. You're learning about health, current events, anything that's going on in the world. It condenses it into easy-to-read, daily, bite-sized bits in the hustle.

It's 100% free, and you'll sound more educated. You'll sound more informed. Really, all it takes is if you just know like 1% more than the people you're talking to I feel like Joe Rogan's made a career off of like he just knows

a little bit more has a quote or a soundbite or a doctor's name and then everyone's like oh this guy's smart he knows what he's talking about we don't know if he does or doesn't the hustle I mean basically everything you'll hear me say from here on out is a quote from the hustle. My entire podcast is going to be backed by this newsletter because the hustle is not only free, easy, and make you smarter and all that shit.

You might win a Tesla, my friend. You sign up right now for the hustle, and you are entered to win a Tesla. It's a pretty good prize to get smarter and a Tesla. Now, I... You can probably get so much of the hustle, you can build your own Tesla. You give so much information, make you so smart. You know what? I'm going to find out why the Tesla is such a big deal in the hustle.

You're like, I mean, how good could a Tesla be? Apparently, it's real good. Yeah, everyone says it's good. If everyone says it's good, it's good. You think so? Yeah, I think people are usually right. all right how about uh the wire then shut up about the wire i tried i don't like it that was great if i got a tesla i would uh i would make a video and i would i would blow it up i think that the the value i would get it, okay, I have a very nice car and I'm going

to drive around and it's safe and it's cool. And all the things that people say about it. Sure. There's some benefit there. I think a greater benefit would be me blowing up a Tesla. Like I would get Elon's attention. No doubt. Yeah.

And I'm sure people would hate me. It's like when people used to, uh, smother their Yeezys and like shit and set them on fire and people would be like appalled. Well, it's like that, but times a lot fucking more. How much does Tesla run you? Is it like a hundred grand? No, they're definitely cheaper ones. Oh, wow. Well, whatever the cost may be,

stick a dynamite right in the tailpipe. Kaboom, blowing it up. Fuck you, Elon. But and then you know what? After I do that, you'll read about it in the Hustle. Front headlines, front page news. This dude blew up a Tesla for fun. So go to thehustle.co.com.

It's thehustle.co.com. And you can sign up now. Right now, they've got the economic of cruise ships, which, I mean, did Dave Portnoy write that one? We've got the man who was feeding an entire Alaskan town through his Costco card. I mean, that man's a hero. I would just be stacking away my snacks and eating them myself. And how small businesses survived during the Great Recession, which is probably large.

So the hustle is really covering all your bases. Go to the hustle.co slash KFC. Sign up. Maybe you win a Tesla, and you'll definitely start being educated. 40 to 60K for a Tesla. Wow. I thought we were talking like, I thought it was like a Lambo. I thought you were just like 200 grand. I think it was hard to get.

Yeah? I think it's just they don't have enough of them. Maybe I'm wrong on that, too. But I think it's a. That's classic Elon, you know? Why don't you just make some. Maybe I'm wrong on that, too. But I think it's... Well, that's classic Elon, you know? Why don't you just make some fucking more then, huh, bud? What were you going to do?

The bad consequences of coronavirus. So this is for people who have gone home for coronavirus. Because you're just in high school again. Right. And in high school, it was hard to find places to hook up. Yes, sir. And it's incredibly difficult to make sweet sweet love or to do kisses or to do anything is because you're just in your family home yeah and this weekend also it's different when you're a kid like if you are trying to do kisses and you're sneaking around

and like if you get caught or whatever it's like well you know he's he's 16 and he's like it's puppy love and he's you know starting for the first time you were like 30 when you started but you know for most of us you're in and so my point being if you get caught then it's kind of like okay you get caught now when you're like an adult it's like double weird it's like what you know really dude come on you know it's like you're 31 year oldyear-old man giving back shots next to your parents' fucking room. It's extra awkward.

So it was like, what was it? We were in my room and it was like, I was having sex. You're just like, fooling around a little bit. It was not sex. It was the kind where you like, you know,

covering each other's mouths. Like, like everyone, everyone showed up. No one making noise. Keep your composure. Quiet down right now. I swear to God,

if you make a noise, I'm gonna lose my boat. I'm going to come right now. It's, it's confidential sex. It's top secret stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And the, I went downstairs afterwards and I, I just got a glass of water I went downstairs afterwards and I just got a glass of water and I came upstairs and I didn't really think I had a face on or anything like that. Girlfriend was like,

what's wrong? I was like, nothing. She's like, what's the matter? I can see it on your face. Nothing's wrong. I'm just chilling. I'm ready to watch some surprises. She's like, what's the matter? I was like, nothing is the matter again she said what is wrong and I said my mom's downstairs and she definitely

heard that and she was like oh my god I could have gone my whole life not knowing that and she like curl up into a ball and I was like it's okay it's all right curl up into a ball. And I was like, it's okay. It's all right. It's not a big deal. And it wasn't a big deal because it's not true. But I've read fables. And I know sometimes you need to make up an elaborate lie

in order to prove a simple point. And that's, you don't always have to ask you what's wrong. Sometimes you tell a crazy tale to just do a point like hey don't get lost from home you need breadcrumbs sometimes you gotta you gotta just fucking make up this crazy thing so you learn a simple basic lesson and i don't you don't always need to know what's on my mind fucking asap over hereing fables to prove points This is some elaborate shit to drive home a point Everyone listen

If you know her You can't tell her the truth I still haven't told her I made it up So she is still As we speak Right now She thinks that your mom heard you guys bang And it wasn't like

Look again You wouldn't hear She probably just thought I was like rolling in bed. Yeah, yeah. It's not like I was playing a show upstairs. It's like, you know, guess what people don't do, John? Roll in bed. Yeah, but that's one of those things, too, where like you're just always in your head.

Every noise you make in bed, you're like, they think I'm right. Yeah, yeah. Right, right. Every sound possible. You know, because that's been an issue at home, too. You know, got to roll the pants down sometimes. You know when you make that noise? It's such a known noise

when it's like you hear it, you lean back in the bed and you gotta pull down. You plop back down and you're like, that was a take it off the underpants noise. That's been in my head this whole quarantine too. They know what it sounds like when I take off my other pants.

That is some deep paranoia. And then once I do that, I turn into a fish out of water. I'm just like just make as much noise as I can. Just the regular thing up here. Definitely not masturbation noises.

That wasn't anything. That was just nothing. I'm just jumping on the bed. I'm a little kid doing cannonballs and shit. Nope, nothing is here. No cum up here. That is very funny. That's definitely like anytime you lay it on thick.

It's like when you fart in a chair, but you just keep getting up. Yes. I didn't fart i was fucking i was trying to think of an example but i i that's exactly it when there's a little leather or something then you make sure you do it over and over and over again like you see you see what that was that was it uh that's john jerking off in his bed i'm just telling you i'm getting comfortable. That's all. Meanwhile, you know, we know our girl Pals probably downstairs would be like, John's fucking. John's banging.

Did you ever have a, uh, like a rule in your house, like door must be open or you can't be upstairs alone or anything like that? But again, that's because you started when you were like 29. They're like, thank God he's fucking. Like, John, go ahead and close the door. Put it in, dude. It was like in Always Sunny when Gale the Snail was's like he doesn't know what to do mom anymore i'm sexually

active you're 31 years old you're supposed to be sexually active dude when i was my first girlfriend was uh that foreign chick and her parents were very very european very very foreign very liberal and so like i was able to i could stay at her house till like all hours fucking doors open close whatever they were like buying us lube practically and then i would come home and you know my parents would be like you know you're back on like american soil here like clean it up drinking age is 21 again like that whole thing right i remember uh my changing news with 16 year old is considered sexual harassment. I don't care if you're 15.

Like it's, it's cyber or whatever you call it. I don't know. Yeah. They were very much like, you know, uh, back,

back in American soil, you have to now like behave yourself. I remember one time my, my grandma saw me and her, like, we were just like snuggling on the couch sorta, but it was like, you know, snap back out of it. there'll be none of that um but um the thought of of you

tricking your girlfriend into thinking your mom heard you have sex all to get her to not say, what's wrong? See, ladies, the length that we will go to for you to just leave us alone. There was nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong. The other day I said, I'll tell you what's wrong. You asked me this. There's going to be a major problem if you ask me anything ever again. Because that's the problem now. You're probably right. I right i probably was hiding something but now i'm furious about this

fucking jerking off sneaky sex noises that's what's going on so are you going to tell yeah if i was going to tell a story maybe not but yeah i mean now now it gets out of the bag you're gonna have to let her know let her know. You're going to tell your mom. No, I'm not going to tell my mom. That is crazy. Don't be ridiculous. Let's do a little Am I the Asshole. It's incredible how much better that part of the podcast was than the first one we did.

I mean, staggeringly different for the audience. A lot of times when we do... You just can't talk about baseball for 30 minutes. No, you just can't do it. I don't know how... It might be back. It might not be back. That's it. I don't know how it might be back it might not be back that's it i don't know how jared and hubs no i'm not even talking about like coronavirus and shit you can't talk about baseball period it's just not that interesting of a topic god bless section 10 in the short porch i don't know how you guys do it um but uh you know usually we say things like it's like uh if we ever do a second

take or if if there if we leave something out that we were going to talk about i like, well, the audience doesn't know that it was supposed to kind of be that. Well, the audience knows now, and I just want you guys to know that was awesome compared to what we did. If you thought that stinks, you should have heard the other one. I'm nervous that people are going to be like, well, dude, the opening to the podcast was like a C minus. Well, then trust me, the original was like a full blown failure. Am I the asshole? we'll get into that we also got um an interview with howie mandel and then of course we'll do our voicemails but first up am i the asshole it's brought to you by crossrope i talked to cory g yesterday i just feel like i'm like disappointing a brother or a father or something

you know he's just like you know how bad it is with Corey? We talked about other shit, and then he's like, all right, man, I'll catch you soon. I know you haven't even started working out. It wasn't even like, hey, where do you stand? Hey, can I help you out? It was just this kind of, not disgust, but just this like, I know you're not even trying.

It was definitely like, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed type of vibe. It was like,'s like fuck man you need to do the crossrope i i i'm obviously back in new york right now just for a little bit i brought my cross up with me because they're fucking awesome they're i actually fucked my shoulder up i i i haven't like lifted in like a month because i've fucking been doing like physical therapy for my shoulder you got those little bitch boy arms and uh and i've been I just do cross-up every day. Yeah, cross-up has it all because you get the cardio and you get basically lightweight weightlifting.

You build muscle while you're here. You do body weight, plyo techniques. Right. Plyos. Plyos. We're just going to call them plyos. The big ply. Plyo technique.

Plyo technique. Pyro technique. How about you do some plyo techniques with the pyrotechnics? Crossrope is, it combines all of it. So you don't have to, A, have a bunch of machinery. You don't have to have a whole gym to work out in. All you need is the rope, the fitness program, and a little bit of time. In just 30 minutes, you could do a full killer, a killer full body workout that takes intense cardio with the jumping rope

and mixes it with the full body resistance training so that you get strong and you get healthy at home. Really the perfect time. You did this right, man. When you look back, it's like I did the main workout you can do at home. You don't need a gym.

You just need a little bit of space and this rope. And that's what everybody should have been doing in pandemic. And that's what John was doing the whole time. You can get the free cross rope app, which shows your progress, tracks your workouts, and you can either, you know,

get lean or get strong depending on what you want to do, what your body type is and what your goals are. Cross rope has it all available on that app where you can start it up and enjoy the results. They have the get fit bundle where you can do both the lean and the strong sets. They've got the different ropes that are different weights that you can easily strap in and out of the handles.

And so it's a, a full body workout. That's fun, unique, different, easy, affordable. It doesn't take up much space and doesn't take much time.

Go to CrossRope.com slash KFC, and you'll get up to $40 off your CrossRope sets, plus free shipping when you check out today at CrossRope.com slash KFC. Am I the asshole? Today we get gross. All right. Today we got a couple. We'll go through these

two quick, right? Okay, so here it is. Am I the asshole for looking when my roommate flashed us? So I'm a man and live in an apartment with three roommates. One man, let's call him John, and two women, let's call them Sarah and Linda. Something happened yesterday that's made things awkward and I'm wondering if I did something wrong. All four of us were in the living room watching TV yesterday

together. A scene happened in the show while we were watching where a woman flashes her boobs at a group of guys. Linda made the comment that she's never understood why women flash their tits at guys at parties or at Mardi Gras or wherever. Sarah disagreed and said to Linda, well, you've never been drunk in college and just been like, and then actually pulled up her shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. We were just chilling at home and flashed her boobs. Linda laughed. But when Sarah noticed that I was looking and had just seen her breasts,

she suddenly seemed super uncomfortable and was acting awkward. She didn't say anything but seemed kind of standoffish. Later, Linda told me in private that Sarah was uncomfortable that I had seen her topless earlier, and she was just joking around with Linda and didn't want me or the male roommate to see her boobs. Linda told me that Sarah said not to say anything to me,

but she was telling me anyway so I could maybe apologize to Sarah and make things no longer awkward in the apartment. I don't really understand what I did wrong. I mean, she pulled up her shirt in front of all three of us. She didn't tell me and John to look away. And it wasn't like I stared at her boobs or anything. I just thought it was weird she did it. And that was it.

John agreed that I did nothing wrong and said he saw them too. Maybe Sarah didn't notice John, but thinks I should apologize to keep the peace. I understand that Sarah feels uncomfortable. I saw, but I'm confused as to what I did wrong here. So just so I can get this straight, because I feel like I need some clarification, because the way I'm viewing it, it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

She flashes in a room full of people and expects only certain people to have gazed upon her boobs. If you flash, you're knowing everyone's looking. I wasn't even going to flash because you looked at my hand, didn't you? Yeah. Honestly, I don't think you did. I didn't. I didn't, but I'm going to go with it. That's probably a sign that I'm like, yeah, tits!

That's probably a sign that I'm like a sociopath or something. I just kept looking at you. I was like, whatever, dude. If you make a sharp movement, people look at it. Right. If you fucking pretend to fucking lift your shirt up. No,

you know what? I'm going to even take it a step further. Cause I feel like you're, you know, you're almost, uh, giving like too much, too much credit or defending too much.

If you show your tits, I mean like guys are going to look. And, and I, you know, you can't expect a guy in the moment when you have decided to be kind of free spirit and reckless for guys to be like, oh, nope, nope, nope, nope.

I mean, it's just not realistic. I was also going to tell her to get over herself and be like, look, no one even cares about tits. I'm not, you know, not a for your nipple, girls shouldn't have to wear shirts in public. But like, if we're talking about sexual parts, I used to be like, I mean, a titty doesn't really do it for me.

Titties do it for me. You're coming back around. I'm on a big titty kick. You are a titty, like, renaissance man. This is a titty renaissance for you where it's just, like, coming back in a big way. Really? I get to stare at boobs all day. What, at 12?

I don't know. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Tits? I'll be like, hey, don't put your shirt on yet. And just stare. That's it.'t make sense. I'd be like, hey, don't put your shirt on yet. And just stare. That's it. It's incredibly childish behavior. It is.

But I'm going through puberty now. Are you shaking them and squeezing them and playing with them? Are you pinching them? I pinch them all the time. Are you sucking on them? I've sucked a titty or two, yeah. I remember one time I was out of college, I, uh, I ran into a girl, uh, from high school and, um, we never like had anything together, but like we got drunk, we ended up like making

out. I go back to our place and, uh, I was sucking on those titties and I remember being like, but I knew it wasn't going any further than that. You know, I was just like sucking and I was kind of just like, well now what? You know, I wish titties came. But yes. But yes. Because then I'd know if I did a good job sucking the titties. That's what I mean. I didn't know when to stop.

I didn't know. Alright, this is like some foreplay. This is some childish adolescent foreplay where I'm sucking their tits. And I know we're not doing anything further because I just knew the vibe. So when do I stop? And then, how long is too long? You know, if you've been sucking for like a solid 60, 60 seconds, like that's a long time, you know?

Right. Like, but if they came, like, all right, I'm done sucking those tits. If I could get a titty to come, I would feel real good about myself. Cause I just, like, I'm just, I mean, technically they do as a mother. Yeah, I know. People are like, milk's not cunt, buddy. It just looks like it. It does look... If I like...

If you think about it... If you think about it, they're very much like a dick. Where it gets hard pretty quickly. And then I'm like, well... I'm just sucking a hard nipple here which is it's just a little dick on a chest and if it could be a full dick

where it just lets me know I finished the job John just wants to suck dick I want to suck something I know I did a good job at it I don't know if I do a good job sucking titty I might be a bad titty sucker I might be a great titty sucker. I might be a great titty sucker. There's no fucking physical evidence of one or the other.

I don't know. You know what, girls? Start faking it with your tits, too. Yeah. Sucking your tits. Just be like, ah, ah, ah. And it's like, okay, you can't. And then you squirt some milk.

Not like your own milk, like 1%. Just have a little bit on hand to flick into my mouth. We are off the fucking rails here. There's a little slow in the beginning. You know what? I was actually thinking, I was genuinely thinking, this is our worst podcast in a long time.

We didn't really have any topics. We're going to have to cut some of that because it was. There was just a lot of like, what are we talking about? Well, let's get right into it. Am I the asshole? I really think that that was uh i'm gonna spin this that was an example of how great of podcasters we are because i think that what we were doing for the first like fucking 40 minutes was pretty much your 99 of podcasters out there and and we were like i mean it was a rarity for us yeah i mean it stood out that we were doing

so poorly so i think we're great podcast we're definitely cutting it but we were right yeah and then we got to the titty sucking i i it's so fun but nipples are little dicks you don't think about that but they are they're they when they're when they're horny they get hard and they get they stick out a little bit they're little they're little dicks suck to your chest. Everyone's got three dicks. Well, not everyone. Girls have two. So you wish that tits came because, especially these days while you're in your boob phase, you're playing with them and touching them and squeezing them. All the time. And you wish they were just coming.

Yeah. I just want to know if I'm doing a good job with it. I have a question for you. If you make one tit come, does the other come? Nope. One at a time. Wow. I just want to know if I'm doing a good job with it. I have a question for you. If you make one tit come, does the other come? Nope. One at a time. Wow. Good for them. I mean, they got like a reserve dick, you know? It's like, alright, you know, I'm finished. Or imagine like this tit came

too fast. Like, alright, pop over to the left. Yeah. You got three, two shots at it. What are you doing with tits these days? You're like honking them? Squeezing. Rubbing them? Squeezing, yeah. Like hard? See, I would just squeeze a butt. I'd squeeze. Rubbing them? I squeeze, yeah. I squeeze hard. Like hard? See, I would just squeeze a butt. I squeeze a butt.

Oh, it's just easier. Butts are down here. Ah, the butts are so much better. Boobs are right here. I cannot describe to you how much more I am team ass than team tit. Like, it's not even close. It's close to me. Like, out of everything in my life where I, you know. I think I just appreciate the female form.

I love the whole shebang. Yeah, no. Even the dicks on their chest. Even your boob penises. Even those chest clocks they got. How many CCs? John, you have saved this podcast by talking about tits coming. God bless.

I don't think we should cut it. I think we should be like, you have to listen to the first 40 minutes and suffer through it because the payoff is going to be not great. No, we're not doing that. The tits that are going to come are going to be phenomenal. Yeah, no. How about this then? We cut out the whole part where we're like, so baseball.

I know. Oh, my God. That was terrible. Should we just redo the podcast? We're going to legit have to redo the opening yeah we are for sure uh we got plenty of time like some other shit will pop off we'll find some other news and we'll just redo it and then you know what we should do we should release like a cutting room floor podcast like this is our worst podcast ever no we're not putting that out no we should we

should we should do it because you know what i bet people would be like ah i didn't think it was that bad i think we're gonna learn that our worst podcast ever, most people could just casually listen to that and have no problem with it. I don't even want to check. Next day, I'm out of the asshole. Wait. Hang on. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

It makes me feel bad. If you had to pick between ass and tits that cum, which would you pick? So what do you mean? Like, I'm granting your wish. Boobs now cum. All right. And then everyone else's ass was in the 70s? Yeah. Which would you pick? So what do you mean? I'm granting your wish. Boobs now come. All right. And then everyone else's ass looks like it's the 70s?

Yeah. It either doesn't exist or you can't touch it, play with it, whatever. Whatever the reason may be. But no, but I'll say, yeah. Your girl has now a badass, a no ass, flat as a board. Her back goes right down to her calves, you know? But you're going to get some nice tits that get some good titty milk uh i think i'd probably get an ass but just because i've the tits coming is just like a fantasy i don't know and but it's something you get sick of i

think like stop fucking having titty going it's like squirting where it's like this is a cool novelty but now you're just a hundred. Great example. Yes. That's the way. You know what? I say that though. But like, I will,

I will just continually inconvenience myself in that department. There is not a time. If you offer it, if it's on the table, I, you will never catch me being like, not tonight. It's, it's going to be too messy. I'll do it every time. Do you do sheets every time yeah i mean i don't i mean i just sleep in a puddle i'll just like throw like i'll get other blanket other

sheets and towels you're like fucking frankenstein what does that mean the kid from big daddy just puts yeah newspaper on top of his puke that's really it i mean i'm used to it like you know my kids crawl in the bed with me they pee the bed i. I just throw it on there. If she pees the bed in a different form, like whatever, I'm fucking used to it, man. Uh, so if titties could come,

I'd probably be making them come all the time. That would be inconvenient too. You know, it'd be inconvenient, but it'd be like, I don't know. It's just like, I want a sense of accomplishment for playing with a boob.

I wish, you know why I hope girls, I hope this happens to girls. So they know what it's like, you know, the girls are so spoiled with the ability to come and have no mess and no fuss i want you know how about if when girls masturbated on their fucking vagina their tits came yeah yeah you just gotta keep your shirt just ends up getting some tell you what girls start wearing a lot more fucking underpants, not thongs. Because guess what?

Thongs not doing the job. Thongs not cleaning shit up. Wait, no, no, no. Wait, I'm saying if you cum in your pussy, your tits cum. Yeah, but just like, I mean, you need your underwear to wipe it up. Oh, you're saying use the thong to wipe up. Like I used yesterday's boxers. They're going to use their thong yeah like a white like i use yesterday's boxers right they're gonna use their thong to clean up their their boobs right so you like you gotta and a thong's not

cleaning up anything no you gotta have a thong is like what is like one of those napkins that you get like uh in like the delivery bag that's just like oh yeah that's like tissue paper you flush a thong down the toilet absolutely i think i could like eat a thong yeah you can swallow one whole edible thongs they're're all edible, dude. It's made of three pieces of string. I can eat three pieces of string and no fucking problem. I really – I love thongs, man. It's just a phenomenon that I think – like the fact that girls put on their thong in the morning and they're like, that's my underwear.

And guys are like, oh my god, let me see your thong. You know? It's a very funny dynamic. It's like, yeah, that's our underpants. oh my god let me see your thong you know it's a very funny dynamic where they're just like yeah that's that's our underpants and the guys are like what color is it

what's it look like let me see it make your tits color I fucking hide my underpants where do you mean you hide your underpants I don't know I just don't like

I take them off and like fold them you know I have like they might see inside don't look behind the curtain! That's how the Wizard of Oz sounds, right? You mustn't look behind the curtain!

He came like German there. He went a little Adolf on him. What is going on? Next time I'm the asshole. Go ahead. Am I the asshole for misrepresenting? This is 40 minutes ago. It's posted by user

uh underscore misinterpret anal um might ask for misinterpreting and thinking a doctor is hitting on me sexually

when he suggests I get a prostate exam okay I have to admit I have a person wait wait guy guy

uh patient guy doctor I mean definitely a guy patient and it seems to be yeah called he yeah okay interesting yeah proceed I have to admit I am a person who doesn't know a lot I mean, definitely a guy patient. And it seems to be called he. Yeah, okay. Interesting.

Yeah. Proceed. I have to admit, I am a person who doesn't know a lot about doctors and medicine. Okay? And frankly, not a lot sexually either. I'm 45 years old and I've never heard of a prostate exam. What, dude? When I finally went to the doctor for the first time since the 1990s, this guy, nut job.

Well, I mean, glass houses, bro. What? We can't be knocking this guy that hasn't gotten a doctor since 1990. Well, I mean, I haven't been a doctor forever, and I haven't been since 2010. Yeah, that's true. It's been a long time for me, and it's been 20 years less than him. He said he's 45 that I made that up? Yes.

He's 45. He hasn't gone since the 90s. He's like 45 and hasn't gone since he was like 20-something. Right. Crazy. I had no idea what this meant. One of the things he said to me was a prostate exam. I had no idea what this meant. I didn't even know what a prostate was and to be honest, I still don't really know.

I just know it's inside my rectum. An organ of some kind. To be fair, I don't really know. I know, nor do I. But anyway, I asked him, what is a prostate exam? He explained the procedure. If you don't know, the doctor literally inserts himself into your rectum to examine this prostate organ. That's a little bit of a mischaracterization. He inserts himself?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's his finger, dude. It's his finger. Not his dick. Not his fist. When he said this, I was in disbelief and astonished. It did not sound plausible. So I suspected he was hitting on me in a sexual way.

That he was a homosexual or bisexual and was making an excuse to try and lull me into having him now look i have nothing against homosexuals or even bisexuals like i guess they're fine too um i've never i've never met one that i know of in my small town, but if they was in town, I would be friendly as pie to them. This guy is... Oh, boy. This dude just lives off the reservation. He sucks so much. I love him. Literally, I do not care about what sexual things adults do.

I have no intolerance or dislike for their kind. It sounds like you do, pal. For their kind. We're not talking about a species of animals here. Jesus Christ. But I myself am a heterosexual person Or even sometimes an asexual person I guess you could say And I had no interest in doing a sexual event with this male doctor

In an event Doing a sexual event? What is this the Olympics bro? Imagine you're at the bar and you're like Yo hey girl You wanna go back to your place and do a sexual event? I thought it was very inappropriate Because at the time I thought he was trying to trick me

into a sexual deed. This guy is nuts. And that he made up a prostate exam. I told him sternly that I was heterosexual and that even if I were a homosexual, I would not appreciate this trickery. He seemed very perplexed and I suspected he was not used to patients

standing up to his sexual overtures. He insisted a prostate exam was a real thing. So I Googled it on my phone, fully expecting to find no results. Well, clearly I made a fool of myself because believe it or not, prostates are real and they really do not do involve the doctor becoming professionally sexual with you in your rectum. I was astonished. I apologized to the doctor, but told him I didn't know him well enough yet to

do something so intimate and asked if he wanted to go to a bar for a beer or two he now acts like i was making a weird request yeah but all i wanted to do is make a connection with this person before he gets so sexual with me i know the act is professional and not romantic but still it would feel wrong if i did not know him better he finally said i should leave and said not to contact his office for a referral to another oh it said to contact his office for a referral to another... Oh, and said to contact his office for a referral to another doctor when I was ready to get my prostate exam. I left in confusion. I admit I was wrong to assume he was hitting on me sexual,

but does it make me an ass? I had never heard of this procedure. This is one of the wildest ever. From sexual events to sexual deeds to inserting himself to i mean do you do you do you know are we fully appreciating how absurd silly funny and like psychotic it is to say you want to go get a beer

before you put your fingers on my ass doc doc? He did a beer or two. Like, we got to lube it up for real. I got to lube up my mind if I'm going to do this kind of bullshit with you. That is so fucking funny. He says, I'm just doing it like this can't be real. To think of a person being so uncomfortable and so, like, uneducated in the ways of, like, I'm not a doctor, but I know that, like, prostate exams are a thing, and I know that doctors are not trying to buttfuck you when they do.

It happens to be inside your butt. That's how we got to do it. This is the most embarrassing thing I've ever heard. This man has embarrassed himself in front of his doctor more than anybody I've ever heard in my life. How does he have an iPhone? This is a guy who definitely lives off the grid. If he hasn't been a doctor since the 90s, 45, he's kind of asexual.

He lives in a small town. You definitely just live in the woods outside of town. How the fuck do you have an iPhone, dude? How are you Googling this sitting in your doctor's office after you invited him on a date so he can finger fuck your ass? I love his part like, well, now he thinks that I'm the one being a weirdo. Yeah, no shit, dude. You basically invited him on a date and then said you can finger my ass. His part like, well, now he thinks that I'm the one being a weirdo. Yeah. No shit, dude. You basically invited him on a date and then said, you can finger my ass. He said, I wouldn't be comfortable with someone I don't know that well being in my ass.

Now, I mean, to be fair, it is uncomfortable, yes. That's like the part of colonoscopies and prostate exams that it is uncomfortable. But the solution is not, well, let me get to know you sexually then. I'd rather be uncomfortable with it. I'd rather be like, this is strange having you in my ass, bro. If you're comfortable with your prostate exams. It's like, remember Stifler in Road Trip? No. I don't know if Iifler in Road Trip? No

I don't know if I've ever seen Road Trip Really? I've definitely seen like parts of it But I don't know if I've ever heard of it Stifler's in it And he's His like gig He does this

Like he goes around And he donates sperm And he makes money And there's a scene He like bends over And the nurse like slaps the glove And she's like Two fingers

And he's like Better make it three And so I mean like like this dude you know what i think i think this dude likes a finger in his butt i think he just i think this guy is in the closet and doesn't know what's going on and i think the reason why he made it sexual is because he he wants it i think that would make sense right like like everyone else would be like this is a medical examination that's uncomfortable but not because of like uh getting to know you sexually it's just uncomfortable because like it hurts a little bit and the doctor's doing it this guy is

turning it into sex this guy wants a doctor in his ass wow talk about i don't think I've ever heard a story of someone being this out of touch with reality and sexuality and just the world in general. I haven't either, but I believe that people out there exist. But as always with them and the asshole it's funny that you have to

ask this question. On top of all this weirdness you now have to consult with the internet on whether or not you were the weirdo what i mean what are the replies the replies just like yeah i mean you are a fucking yeah and he's like he's like i swear guys i'm not kidding like i'm not this isn't a joke i'm not trolling he's like i'm just wondering if i'm gonna ask imagine like if you were just like if you ask the world if like wait is what i is my idea asshole-ish? And they're like, that's so asshole-ish it must be fake. And, like, that must be really hurt to hear.

It's not possible. Like, you're such a dickhead, stupid cockface that there's no way I believe that you're real. And he's like, dude, I swear, just can I have the answer, please? I mean, this is up there. This is in the pantheon for me. I mean, I just cannot imagine the embarrassment afterwards. Are you allowed to get, like, I would like to have a few beers before I get my prostate exam, too. I wouldn't invite the doctor, but can you go in with a buzz?

Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen. He probably smells like, if he smelled on your breath, he wouldn't be like, no, you got to be sober for this. I don't think so. I think if you walk in shit-faced, maybe there'd be a problem. It's the same rules as skydiving, getting your prostate examined. You're supposed to be sober, but they know you had a few beers. They only don't take you if you're drunk. Like tattoos.

You can't be drinking. Everyone who's ever got a tattoo is drunk. Skydiving, tattoos, and prostate exams. All the same thing. Have you ever had a prostate exam? No. I met a doctor just now. All the same thing. Have you ever had a prostate exam? No. I've been to the doctor's since I was like 15. That's not something that we would have been doing had we been going to the doctor's.

No. That happens when you're older. 50 is a colonoscopy. Right. Prior to that, you've got to be getting your butt fingered a little bit. I bet you by now, at least for me, 35, I feel like by now I should have had a finger in my ass. From a doctor that was a good setup yeah from a doctor

other other people sure doctors not so much uh boy man you are the literal asshole yeah this is an absolute asshole uh let's wrap up with one more uh all right this one uh has got a little bit viral as they tend to do when it's truly extreme um it comes from the reddit chips my 22 female uh my boyfriend i always get mixed up when they do that when they say their age and their boyfriend or girlfriend's age i always read it backwards i'm always like are you the boyfriend are you the age you know what read it backwards. I'm always like, are you the boyfriend? Are you the age? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That always fucks with me. Anyway, this girl caught her 24-year-old boyfriend drinking the pee from her pregnancy test. Let me preface this by saying that I love my boyfriend and I have a very healthy relationship with him. I love him a lot. We've been together for three years, moved in in January.

He has never once alluded to being into, quote, water sports in any way. We are both, I thought, staunchly anti-kink. From the beginning, he has always been very paranoid about getting me pregnant. We agreed early on that we would never want kids, so we take extra

precautions. I'm on the pill. He wears a condom. I personally think we would be fine just using birth control, but two of my friends have gotten pregnant on the pill, so we insist on doubling down. Better safe than sorry. Everything has been going on. It's been going fine until two weeks ago when we were having sex and the condom broke. I tried to calm him down, tell him that it was no big deal because birth control and spermicidal lubricant on the condoms meant there was an astronomically low chance of getting pregnant. Yikety yak, yada, yada, yada.

Even though the test had read negative, he insisted on me, quote, finishing off the pack and peeing on the others, quote, just to be sure. Now, that's, I've done, you know, that's normal, I think. To be like, try it again, make sure, like double down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or especially if it comes back positive, I feel like people are like, take it again. Make sure. Double down. Or especially if it comes back positive, I feel like people are like, take it again. I read online that you're supposed to use your pee

from first thing in the morning because it can get diluted throughout the day and become more inaccurate. So I told them, we'll do another one tomorrow and then the next day. Well, the next day I go to pee on the old stick and I noticed the one I threw away is no longer in the trash can. I decided it wasn't too strange as it could have been buried in the tissues or something. So I finished up my

business, leave the stick on the counter for him to see himself, tell him I miraculously am still not pregnant, and then I'm going to take the trash out. That's when I noticed that the pregnancy test really was nowhere to be found in the trash bag I shook it all looked at different angles nope no test and then I go back into the bathroom to wash my hands and I see my boyfriend holding the test uncapped with the porous part in his mouth making sucking sounds he immediately looks embarrassed pulls the stick out of his mouth so fast it makes an audible pop sound like Like a little. He started walking towards me while apologizing, but I completely freaked out and walked out of our apartment to get some air. All of my friends have been saying I need to leave him for violating my privacy.

I haven't spoke to him since this happened two days ago. Can this be solved? So long story short, boyfriend is very insistent on me having to take a pregnancy test and then suck the pee out of both tests. How did a pregnancy test work? Well, I think... I thought he just pee on a stick. Yeah, I think that this is more like... He's not like drinking the pee. I think he's sucking on a stick that had been covered in pee.

I think. Because I don't know of any test that holds the urine to the point that you could then drink the liquid. You pee on the stick, and then it's a little bit bit wet but it's not like a puddle to drink from i mean that's and how about sterile i guess it is peas actually sterile so you're not you know it's not as bad as eating shit but that's about it that's where we're really setting the bar. How about this? The friends saying you need to break up with him because he violated your privacy. You need to break up with him because he's a fucking weirdo. Right, right, right. Who drinks your pee like secretly.

It's not like, you know, you know what? That was my test. And I decide what happens with it. And you're violating my First Amendment. Who notices what's in the trash? You don't want to date a pee drinker. That's what it comes down to. Even the fact that you told your friends about this means it's a breakup.

Yeah, absolutely. You just have to be like, your friends will never respect him. For sure. Your friends will never like him. Your friends will always know him as the pee drinker. And deservedly so. I'm not being like, oh, your like him. Your friends will always know him as the pee drinker. And deservedly so. I'm not being like, oh, your friends are idiots. They'll just always call him the pee drinker.

You can't drink a pee. You're a pee drinker. Is that what you think it would be? I think the friends would call him pee pee stick. Pee pee stick. They'd be like, that's pee pee stick. And girls love that. Girls, that's a running joke, a trope on the internet.

You know, everyone, nobody. What's the, the girls always say, like, it's not real until your friends call him by his real name. You know, like, that's when the relationship's real when they don't when you don't call him pp stick they would love that one they would latch on to that one he would be pp stick until the day you're walking down the aisle you can't date the pp stick guy no yeah that's obviously you have to break up but like the fact that you had to ask anybody is insane yeah like so i walk in and and the way shits on the bed every night.

Like, what do you think that's about? I don't know. I think fucking nobody to fucking figure it out. Who gives a goddamn shit? How about making sucking sound? Yeah, it's like, how bad do you want this piss? You want this piss that bad that you're fucking... Like, I won't even fucking, like, really get into a lobster claw. You know what I mean? Like, that's't even fucking like really get into a lobster claw

you know what i mean like that's a lot of work to fucking crack a lobster claw like really get in there for for what's some delicious succulent meat you think i'm gonna get in there for some fucking salty piss you're nuts this is a bad one one, this is making me like visibly uncomfortable. I really don't like it. Now, you know, this is a thing. It is a kink, not in the pregnancy test form. But like, let's say this dude is into, as she calls it, water sports. And the only way he can like get, get off because she's not into it, doing it, is by sucking on her pregnancy test. Can you give him a pass?

No. No pass? No. Look, you got your kink. It's fine. Go do your thing. Just find someone who likes to do it with you. Well, oh, God. I was thinking about what would be the hardest kink to tell someone, within reason.

If you're into children or something, that's just illegal. But there are people who like these golden showers. And I feel like that's got to be the hardest thing in the world to do. Can I pee on you? I don't know.

Tiger made it out okay. Well, that's the thing. So that guy was rich and powerful. See, I think it's even worse. What do you mean? Because then it's like, how fucking psychologically fucked up? Well, first of all, you're incredibly psychologically fucked up no matter what. But like, you already have power. What do you need that for?

It's like, a billion dollars isn't enough power for you? Gotta pee too. Right? I think golden showers are only allowed for homeless people. Because they just gotta feel good about something they need they need at least one thing to go well like to make them feel like they're the king of the world that day tiger can feel like the king of the world the moment he wakes up right but a homeless guy he feels like a dredge of society every day but i guess psychologically speaking is something he's

peeing on you that gives you the authority or the power or whatever the fucking sick shit that's wrong with you is I feel like a homeless person needs that win more than Tiger Woods does if you're into water sports you gotta be homeless gotta be I mean

what if you what if someone came to you and presented this idea said this is what I love most. Would you do it? I mean, I'm doing the shower. I don't fucking care. What about in the bed? Nah, that's a whole thing to mess clean up.

It's like the same thing as squirting. Yeah, I know. It's a whole thing to clean up. But if you were to make someone squirt, you'd be down with that, right? Yeah. But if they peed, you'd be like, ah! You'd get up and run out? I wouldn't get up and run out. I'd be like, what right yeah but if they peed you'd be like get up and run out what the fuck you pissed

why'd you just piss that was fucking stupid this has been one of the more uncomfortable am I the asshole segments I've ever done it takes a lot for me to get squirmy but the dude lubing up socially to get a finger in his ass and the guy sucking on the pee stick.

And then Titty Cum. We came in super cold and started to rev up. Now we're coming in hot. Next up, we're going to recap our experience in this year's Barstool Sports Hot Dog Eating Contest.

It's brought to you by Fight Camp. I'm going to have to get my ass in shape because all I've been doing is eating contest. It's brought to you by Fight Camp. I'm going to have to get my ass in shape because all I've been doing is eating dogs. I got a belly full of hot dogs. I've been out of shape. I'm in quarantine shape, which is a lack thereof. And I think it's time to finally

commit and start working out. And the way I'm going to do that is by doing something that's like fun and interesting, not just lifting weights and doing cardio. And that's where Fight Camp comes in in fight camp gives you the freestanding boxing bag and uh i'm gonna learn how to fight man i look forward to that at the end of this we're gonna have a fist fight okay i think i think kevin boxing kevin would be fun yeah i think i'm gonna be terrible

at it but i think i'm gonna enjoy it and i And I feel like we had to get you one and we just got to film it. Yeah. Well, I, I, I need to, uh, you're going to do it first. I gotta, I gotta get like functional, you know, I can't look like a total pussy. Um, but fight camp, it, it, it gets you the motivation to like be entertaining, like entertain yourself while getting in shape, learning how to, uh, throw those hands a little bit. And, uh, you know, I feel like there's always something to being able to hold your own. And I'm not talking about, you know, if you punch the bag, it doesn't mean you know how to beat people up or anything.

But just knowing how to, you know, hold your own and knowing how to throw hands, it makes a difference. And Fight Camp has trainers and former fighters who endorse this. And they've come up with a workout plan, if you will, that uses your body weight plus some boxing exercises to help train your muscles and learn how to generate more speed and power. So you will get a little bit better at fighting and exercising while entertaining yourself and getting in some sort of shape.

It's the best freestanding punching bag on the market. It comes with great boxing gloves, quick hand wraps, and unique punch tracking sensors so that you'll be able to show your real-time progress and stats with any iOS device. It's the perfect high-intensity interval training, and you can try Fight Camp workouts for free right now when you download the Fight Camp app and select the workout of your choice it's a great way to test uh your trainer and uh right now when you go to join fight camp.com slash kfc you can get your bag for as low as zero percent uh apr on the financing and for a limited time offer you can try fight camp for 30 days with a money back guarantee that's join fight camp.com slash kfc and you can train like a fighter and turn your sweats into results one more time try fight camp for free for 30 days when you go to join fight camp.com slash kfc i'm drunk on meat

i like i like i'm sweating it was i just like It was blurry vision. I look like I could close my eyes right now. We just finished up this year's Barstool Sports hot dog eating contest. The first one we've done in about 10 years. The last one was the Aaron Hernandez murder day. It was the day he murdered everybody. The day he got caught. It's fun to say murder day, though.

It's the day that he was doing his OJ, right? His white Bronco. Yeah, the helicopters were just following him down 95. We did a contest many years ago where the dogs had been dropped in the dirt, and they sat out in the sun forever. They were covered in grass. They were terrible. It was not a fun experience.

This year, a little bit more organized. Same results, though. Feeling like a bag. I mean, I feel like I just got a rock in my stomach right now. I know as far as health goes, this is a little Fourth of July tip for everybody. Annually, you're supposed to have one hot dog to maintain. At max, you should have one hot dog per year. I just had significantly more than that.

Way more than that in 10 minutes. They were better, but they were still cold. The chewing was hard for me. I have room for dogs in my stomach right now. You just can't get them there. My jaw is just tired. Well, that's why these guys, they do the soaking, and they separate the buns and all that.

But you also historically notoriously have that gag reflex. And when you're doing soggy bread down the gullet... It's not good. It's not a good recipe. A handful of us participated and some people shined and some people disappointed. There was one person in particular who was incredibly disappointed.

Especially when you consider the pounds he packed on during quarantine. I told that to him and he said that was unnecessary and I said that was unnecessary. And I said, facts are facts. That's unnecessary. What I'm looking at is unnecessary. Some guys, Big Ev has shined and he's lost a lot of weight.

And so if he came in and he didn't eat a lot of dogs, it would kind of be a little more understandable. When you're packing on the pounds and he's been doing nothing but eating. We had someone come in double digit less hot dogs than they projected. I came in right on the line. I came in exactly the dogs I said I had in me. That exact amount. I went a little higher.

And I said, if everyone eats this amount, we will win. And I came in at that amount. This person came in double-digit off their mark. I mean, that's the thing. It's much like the Trump rally. If you told me 6,000 people showed up to your speech, I think that's pretty good. When you told me that you were going to get one million,

now you look like an asshole. If you come in and you eat a handful of dogs, you know, fine. No one here is Kobayashi. No one here is Joey Chestnut. But, you know, when you project yourself to be such, when you act like you're going to be the Joey Chestnut of Barstool, and then you shit the bed, well, you're going to catch heat. And I said it to Dan afterwards, when you do a Barstool event,

when you do a bro show type of challenge, video, physical challenge, whatever it may be, you don't have to win. You don't have to win these things. You just can't be the loser. You can even lose, but you can't be the loser. Okay. You feel me? Yep.

It's like the old tweet. There's one star on the internet every day. The goal is to not be it. Not to be that guy. And today there was that person who was the star in the wrong way. And, you know, I'd rather be everything else in life be normal be medium be middle of the pack you don't you're not going to shine at the top and you're not going to expose yourself at the bottom you're just going to be in the middle and um that's where you know that's

where i firmly was seated and i'm okay with that and as long as you're not as long as you don't walk away as you know when when people the people always talk about the loser of the barstool challenges nobody knows who like wins the home run derby who wins the combine people know i lost the comma people will know there was a loser of the hot dog eating contest and that'll be out july 2nd i believe either be on the lookout the fourth of july week it'll be out um but man i just i do not feel well and it really it really puts into perspective why do we choose hot dogs because guess what i could eat a lot more burgers i think yeah well i uh what what makes it a hot dog eating competition what's the if i had to guess nathan's wanted to sell some hot dogs if i had to guess it's a coney island thing and nathan

started in coney island um why do we eat hot dogs i bet i could eat more pies oh if we if we were to do uh like you know i'm not a big eater i was telling the guys like when i go out to the bar and it's like 10 cent wig night i get like 10 wings yeah i'm not gonna like just because i can afford more of them i'm not gonna like shove 30 down my gullet and um you know when i get pizza i know i've seen you like yeah you'll eat likellet and um you know when i get pizza i know i've seen you like yeah you'll eat like a pie and a half you know i used to yeah not anymore you got that heartburn right now i get now i eat two slices yeah that's what i mean to me if i eat a third i'm like boy this is gonna be bad yeah i i uh i'll have like two slices and that's like really

kind of it hot dogs are associated with the fourth of july um let's see why the official history is riddled with falsehoods uh the first contest what year do you think the first contest contest was held 1926 1972 but you almost got it right because some people believe it to be 1916 and i was just a falsehood or whatever that's just another tradition you're not 1926 no but at least it was you know the hot dog oaks every independence day nathan's hosts a hot dog eating contest according to the legend it hosted the competition in 1916 that's not the case um the story i've heard is that there were four immigrants oh there's like there's like a tale that goes along with this the story i have

heard forever is that there were four immigrants arguing over who was the most American on the 4th of July. And they said, well, you know, to prove who's the most American, you got to eat the hot dogs. Apparently that's all a stunt. That's all a hoax. And that Mortimer Matz, a longtime public relations professional, said he made it up. He said, we said this was an annual tradition since 1916. Coney Island pitchman style. We made it up.

I love that. That's a fucking move. Nathan's president, Wayne Norbitz. There are some names. Mortimer Matts and Wayne Norbitz. Our objective was to take a photograph and get it in the paper. And they did just that. So, yeah, I think it was all just the fucking stunt to sell some dogs.

And they get hundreds of millions in PR value a year, they said. Crazy. Crazy. So, shout out to Nathan's and Hot Dogs and America. What food do you think you could do the most of? The most of? So, yeah, I was going to say, like, I mean, I'll eat dinner, and I'm, like, stuffed. I'm not even going to hide farts.

That's pretty bad. We just fart on a podcast. I just fucking ate a shitload of fucking hot dogs and drank a bunch of fucking booze. What do you think is going to happen in this goddamn room? Bro, I got to take care of my kids tonight. That's not good. I always tell you I never be hung over on the days I have my kids. I want to be like tip top peak performance.

This is not people. Got this fucking stone in my stomach. Uh, probably like donuts and dessert, some sort of dessert. When I finished my dinner, I'm like, Oh,

I'm so full. And then they're like, would you like to try some dessert? I'm like, Oh yeah. Um, so probably some donuts. Uh,

I've been eating those half Z cookies, man. Really? They're called half C half C cookie company. Yeah. So probably some donuts. I've been eating those halfsy cookies, man. What are they? They're called Halfsy Cookie Company. They're kind of like slutty brownies, slutty cookies. It's like a cookie with a cookie inside of it almost. It's like a thicker cookie, and the middle is almost cookie dough, and the outside is like a cooked cookie, baked cookie.

I've never heard of this thing. It sounds amazing. They are so good. This one, like a stoolie on twitter i think he like owns part of the company and he always used to tweet about them and then he dm'd me one day and was like i'm gonna send you some your way and i've been eating them non-stop and then that like the free batch they sent me and i was like all right i gotta buy my own these fucking these cookies they drop like sneakers they have a drop on friday and sunday and they sell out in a minute. Like you have to be ready to go, and I still don't get them.

I had to like pull my barstool strings and talk to the owner. That's the only way I get these things. They said that their demand went up triple in quarantine, and they still like can't keep up. Like they're trying to make more and more and more, and they just can't keep up with it. They're so fucking good, dude. What are you doing with your nails over there?

I got a hangnail, and I'm picking at it. You're just gnawing at it. It's bad. It's bad, bro. What are you doing with your nails over there? I got a hangnail and I'm picking at it. You're just gnawing at it. It's bad. It's bad, bro. It's bad. You have a fucking bloody ass nail. I could eat the most. Boy.

I mean, like, sour patch kids. Yeah, but I almost think that's easy. It's too small. But I would then expect you to eat, like, one. That's what I ate before. I would expect you to eat like that's what i ate i would expect you to eat 1 000 of those before before we started the hot dog eating contest i had a bacon sausage egg and cheese from from a coffee shop from starbucks then i had a bag of sweet and hot beef jerky then i had a bag of magic mix trail mix which is like a trail mix where

basically they pretend it's trail mix but it's just a bunch of candy and it was like it's like peanut butter chips and chocolate chunks and m&ms and peanut butter drops and uh raisins so therefore makes the trail mix and then i had a big bag of sour patch kids so sour patch kids in an eight ounce bag which i think is like your standard bag has 89 spks it's less than i thought how How many, like, do you put down, like, multiple bags? Oh, a standard bag, not, like, the hanging bags. It's 8-ounce bags, so I don't know. Yeah, that's a little one. That's, like, that's the kind on the rack.

That's the baby one? Oh, I think, like, when you tell me a bag of Sour Patch Kids, I don't mean one of those. I'm talking one of those ones that get on a hanger. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, they're on the wall. Right.

They're not under the cash register. I do my candy shopping on the wall okay i don't i don't go up and be like oh you know what it wouldn't be nice to have some rolos i go to the wall where they have the duffel bags of them you know this is what we're gonna do this is our business over here so how many of like will you eat multiple of those bags no no i'll put the yellow too i guess it's multiple isn't it the little bag has 21 was the little bag i would imagine that's the the one at the counter next to the candy bars. The only has 21?

That's way less than I thought. I thought these both had more. I would have guessed in the hundreds for the big bag. 89. So I feel like... God damn. A one pound bag has 2,000 calories. Let's see.

This bag. Okay. That bag. Let's see. Details. Disclaimer. 21 servings per container. Serving size is 16.

So 16 times 21. So those have 336. How much36 okay yeah i like that yeah yeah 336 so and you do that just like for fun like if you were competing well like i multiple bags i live my life like it's a competition apparently dom toretto in the sense that like live my life one like a bag at a time i knew i knew how many dogs i was gonna get and i got exactly that but i wasn't like i couldn't have done it any faster yeah you know what's funny is like i i put mustard on my dog and i kind of ate them at a frenetic pace but not like and uh we finished the same. Right.

PFT was, you know, dunking, scamming, shooting things everywhere. But it's funny to see, like, I think normal humans are going to tap out around that level. No matter what you do. Yeah. And, like, that's why, you know, Kobayashi and Chestnut, they're going to do, like, around, you know, 89 or whatever. But they probably can't go. How long do they have? 10 minutes? They do 10. Yeah. And they do, like, 80. I think Chestnut did going to do around 89 or whatever. How long do they have? 10 minutes? They do 10. Yeah.

And they do like 80. I think Chestnut did like 80. It's insane. It doesn't even make any sense to me. And what's really impressive is they keep upping the – I remember it being like 60. I was watching and it was like 62. And now they're like in the 80s.

They are – it would be like if all of a sudden you could throw like 110. People are like 102 and now it's like 105 but no one's like jumping ahead imagine if like tomorrow someone's throwing like a buck 10 that's what that's what chestnut does savages dude i can't imagine how they feel because i've got you know just a handful of my stomach and i'm ready to fucking puke and kill myself so be on the lookout for that july 2nd um and maybe one day we'll do uh you eat spks and i eat like enthemans donuts and we'll like find a conversion rate we'll see who can win voicemails they're brought to you by manscape the weed whacker the weed whacker is here to help you trim your nose hair and your ear hair hair now i think that it's going to be a tough moment for some fellas out there, and maybe

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fucking hairy head in the sand and be like i don't have that problem if you got ear hair and nose hair you got to take care of it because you could be you could be a catch you could be rich you could be famous you could be sexy you could be romantic you could be successful if you got nose hair and ear hair nobody's looking your way. No. Nobody. It's worse than a bad smile. Imagine that.

You, like, lean in to kiss a guy, and there's just, like, you know, nose hair, like, sticking out. We got to get one of these from Marty, by the way. When we were doing Making the Gambler, his nose hair was out of control. No, really? All over the place. It was, like, fucking blowing in the wind. Martin, get yourself the Weed Whacker.

Blowing in the wind. That is disgusting, man. The Weed Whacker uses a 9,000 RPM motor-powered 360-degree rotary dual-blade system. I got this one at home, and I took it, and I turned it on. I shoved it up my nose. I didn't hear anything. You know, you usually hear that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Manscaped.com, promo code KFCWW. Dude, my hair is just nuts. Have you talked to Fletcher yet? Yeah. She said I could come in tomorrow morning, but I'm not going to be in the city, so I'm not going to do it. So I got to schedule another time. But, I mean, it's just getting crazy. You can ponytail that.

Oh, I do at home. I wish I had a tie. I'll do it because I'm used to putting up Shay's hair in little ponytails. So I just put it like that. And Shay, let me see if I can just twist it a little bit. Shay runs around and goes, Daddy, you look like a girl boy. Voicemails, let's go. Hey, guys, I have a question.

What celebrity couple do you think has the best sex life? I'm thinking John Legend and Chrissy Teigen. No. Especially listening to John Legend's new album and all the songs that he sings. I mean, they just gotta be it, but what do you guys think? I think there was a time where Chrissy and John were throwing down. I think when Chrissy was

basically a video girl, and they were still in the honeymoon phase, and yeah, John Legend. You think those guys fuck their own music? I think John Legend makes too much love yeah yeah I agree do you think they fuck their own music? sure but that's not the question I'm not gonna kink shame if you like having love

nah I'm gonna kink shame that's the anti kink shame I feel like making love when I move you heard that song? no that's a great this is a new single when I move you move when I move. You heard that song? No. That's a great.

This is his new single. When I move, you move. When I groove. He did his verses with Alicia Keys. Fucking awesome. Fucking awesome. They had pianos. They were sitting with their backs to each other, and they just played the piano occasionally,

and they sung occasionally. For the most part, they were kind of lip-singing, which was kind of weird. But John Legend, he just does the mom two-step, and he makes it look so cool. He just kind of does this, like... Oh, that's like the Feidelberg two-step. And it, yeah. I mean, that's like the white guy, like, you know, that's what Hitch teaches you, like,

stay right here, stay in your zone, don't stray too far But John Legend doesn't and it looks fucking awesome I can feel the beat Yeah you kind of do Isn't that called the Charlie Brown or something like that Where you kind of kick your foot back behind your legs Dude John doesn't even do that

John Legend just straight up He does, it's literally the Montu set Which is like And you know If I do that He does, it's literally the Montu set, which is like. And, you know, if I do that, it's like, yeah, that's where my, like, coordination musically taps out. John Legend being the fucking pianist, you know, extraordinaire. I feel like you should have a couple more moves. But, yeah, do you think he goes home and he's like, let's fuck baby. He puts on his own songs.

Uh, I, I honestly, I think Chrissy has answered this question before. I think she said like occasionally she requests one or something like that. Really? Cause I could see her being like, fuck you get this off. I actually could see her being like, uh, you know, why don't you play like, uh, James Blunt or Michael Buble, like picking someone else just to fuck with John legend. Um, I, we were talking about this. I was on a Sophieie julia's podcast and she was like do you like do you fuck to music i'm like well i don't turn it off if it's on

but i'm not making a sick i think that's a pretty like i don't think white folks are doing that as much you know i i mean like i think maybe in college i tried it a little bit but that's like i don't i don't like you know what The one song I can remember fucking to in college, Splash Waterfalls by Ludacris. I don't even know what song that is. Oh, it's like a rap song that's kind of like a, it's not like a love song, it's just about fucking, but it's kind of like a little more slower and, you know how Ludacris is, he's always kind of goofing around with it. It's just funny to think of me and and my like white ass girlfriend fucking a ludicrous dude if you do it now it's just like you're just trying to make too much of a deal of this it's yeah this isn't as i

mean maybe i guess on a special occasion you put it on some romantic music and you come home and dance a little bit or whatever but if you're like about to have sex and you're like, hang on, hang on, let's put on music, you're making too much. I have, in recent days, I mean, listen, bro, you put on Halsey right now, I'll probably get an erection. I've had a Halsey

session or two where she's good. She's good fucking music. There's so much good sex music it's just that I don't I know where my fucking capabilities stop and like I'm gonna put on music and you think

I'm just gonna keep rhythm to it I can't keep rhythm when I'm just like fucking dancing let alone having sex I'm not saying that I was like you know fucking to the rhythm it was just kind of like you know put something on in the background but yeah I think if you're making a thing out of it, I mean, it's just like anything else.

I'm going to, like, I'm going to mail time mantra. Like, I'm going to put the bar pretty low. I'm going to, you know, under promise and hopefully over deliver. If you're, like, putting on some music and you think that means you're about to, like, throw down, well, now you got some hype to live up to. So I feel like we're both going to puke got some hype to live up to so i feel like we're both gonna puke at some point yeah what um who's the answer though who's the best question uh

celebrity sex life um well at the time it's hands down chris pine and olivia munn when they were together oh yes i mean remember that the the infamous PowerPoint. So I would then, I would also imagine. Infamous PowerPoint. I mean, the fact, oh, God, I'm really going to puke. I think it's crazy that I can think of a pink arrow, and it makes me think of, like, a girl's asshole. You know what I mean? Like, it's just a, that girl just picked a clip art arrow.

That was, she's a revolutionary too because that shit was like pre like ass eating season that was like she's like i want your tongue up my ass yeah she was very asshole yeah yeah like in my tight little asshole i was like when you put the hole on the end you can say like fuck my ass when you say fuck my asshole boy we are you are leaving nothing to the imagination here. I also don't think that that traveled with her. I don't think her and Aaron Rodgers were doing that. No.

Which is tough, by the way. I don't think I could date Olivia Munn unless I was doing that. Because you'd be like, well, she's just not getting what she wants. She immediately identified me as someone who could not give her what she wants, and she's willing to play in the minor leagues with me for a little while, and this will be over.

What if you met Olivia Munn, and she wants to date you? And it's great. Thank fucking God. Olivia Munn, by the way, shout out Nick Miller, one of his best girlfriends. It's like, I can't decide if Megan Fox or Olivia Munn were his best girlfriend. Good for him. What a fictional run he had. They were both.

I think he should have ended up with, what's Megan? It's not Ryan. What's her name? Riley? Reagan. Reagan. I think he should have ended up with Reagan. I think there was no reason for them to break up.

I think they were destined to be together. How long was Megan Fox on New Girl? It spanned three seasons, but there were some times where she wouldn't even be in it. How many episodes? They were long distances. I would guess she was in 25. No. Her run was only, her as the roommate was only four or five episodes.

Really? Yeah, it seems longer. It's kind of like how Holly on The Office, she's only in six, seven episodes. Oh, wow. She's not in like six seven episodes oh wow okay yeah so she but she'll bully it spans seasons we're like together long distance dating right and then she'll like pop in for an episode because she comes to visit or something like that um but uh the but his when he dates olivia munn she's a stripper. Oh, mama. She's dancing and stripping. And she's like...

Actually, on the Chaps and Kate show today, Chaps asked me, like, am I excited for sundress season or whatever? And I said, you know what? I'm actually not a sundress guy. I like the kind of girls... I like a girl who dresses like someone who's going to kick my ass. You want, like, leather pants or a leather jacket, ripped up jeans. That's exactly what I said.

Ripped up jeans. I said a beater that kind of runs up a little bit. You shouldn't have to be a badass, but there's a girl kind of dressed like a badass. That's my style. That's what I see eye to eye with fashion-wise for ladies. And that's basically the girl I'm describing is Olivia Munn.

Is her in that character i mean if olivia munn in real life like came up to you and dated you or whatever right so you hit it off you go on a couple dates you have some like regular sex and like you're got you're like in love whatever it's all good and then but you're thinking yourself like you know we're not doing the chris pine uh powerpoint here like what's going on and she says something to you along the lines of like that you know i i did that in the past and like i'm happier with you like i'm in love with you and i but i don't want to do that anymore would you be like that weird you out no like knowing that you're like the comfortable guy yeah yeah yeah would you be cool being the settle down guy because guess what you want to settle down? I'm probably going to settle down, too.

If she was like this insatiable monster every time, I'd be like, come on, man. But wouldn't you like to get the treatment like only once? Yeah, you'd probably get that on fucking birthdays or something. I bet she still can reach back and throw a 90 if she wants to every while again. Oh, she's throwing 90 normally. She's got to reach back and throw it 90 if she wants to every while again but like oh she's she's throwing 90 normally she got to reach back to 100 I feel like you should get like you know once a once a month you got to give me the Chris Pine and then otherwise we can be

like the you know like in love couple but give me the pink arrow I think obviously Tatum and DeJuan when they were right they were up there for sure I don't even know Hollywood couples are some weird She did some weird shit. She posted her new husband, who she has a kid with now,

but with Channing's daughter and said, like, Happy Father's Day to the new dad with Channing's daughter in the Instagram post. That's kind of fucked up. That's a little strange. Yeah. How long have they been broken up? I mean, long enough that she's remarried and got another kid but like i also feel like i don't know maybe i mean you can't this is better than i can i feel like channing

would be like all right i'm like i'm glad he thinks him as a thing yeah i mean i guess overall it's a weird thing to like uh publicly do, dude. Point out publicly and not include him in it. But they used to fuck for sure. I could see Emrata and her artsy boyfriend. I could see them fucking big time. Who are the top couples in Hollywood right now? I honestly don't even know. Not anymore, but Brad and Angelina for sure. Well, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds.

I bet you they're not crazy, but I bet they have a healthy sex life for sure. Passionate. I could see them having fun. We always talk about laughing and shit. I think when Brad and Angelina were in the Mr. and Mrs. Smith phase, when she was busy ruining the Aniston marriage. 40 best power couples. Number something.

Barack and Michelle. What do you think they're doing? You think she's like making a clap she's throwing it back on barack number number one all right let's all right let's just right we'll go to the top 40 power couples in hollywood this is from harper's bazaar by the way you you you grade their sex life okay well we'll both will it's okay barack and michelle obama i think that's a healthy sex life not saying it's like a kinky porn sex but i think they have some passion and i bet you when they got out of the white house that it was like i bet in the white house so many couples

in the white house are fucking old as shit i don't understand why all our heads of state are just old ass fucking people like if you look around the world everyone else is like of working class age there's no fucking reason everyone except you know obama was a younger guy everyone else is like just fucking old gray heads well because we people like collecting the same fucking assholes all the time. I read an article that said, George, that Donald Trump, behind the scenes, was terrified to talk to Melania about

the Billy Bush, Grabber by the Pussy video. When that came out, he was like... Who was? Donald Trump. He was scared of her? Yeah, he was afraid to tell her. He was putting it off, being like, I can't do it, I can't do it yet. And she went nuts on him, apparently, being like, you ruined this for us. She thought it was going to end their fucking...

She wanted to be president? Well, I think... I also love all those stories about how she pushed off her divorce for this. Have you read that? She had the papers ready and then was like, well, I guess I'm not going to be the first lady. I'm sure, come November, if he doesn't win, I think the divorce papers are like the next day. But I think Michelle and Barack, I think they fuck. I'm going to give them a B+.

Yeah, that's good. B+. Number two, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds. I think that's probably like a – I'm going to go A- because I don't know if it's perfect, but they're in the A range. Yeah, I was going to go A- because I don't know if it's perfect, but they're in the A range. Yeah, I was going to go A. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry.

I think they're terrible. Yeah. C. I think maybe when they first met and Harry was on like a coke binge in Vegas. Oh, I forgot he gets down like that. But, yeah, but I don't think maybe in the beginning. But then she, once you become, once you're in it for, actually, you know what? I bet you it stunk and then they emancipated themselves and I bet they went and had some

free civilian ass sex where they like were, you know, we're done with the royal family. We're done with the queen. We're not worried anymore. And they're just having some hot people sex. So I bet you it started as like, probably like an A, dipped down to like a C minus. And I bet you they're back to like a B, but you can't recapture that old flame. Beyonce and Jay-Z.

We're all going to do the top 10, by the way. This is going longer. Now, I mean, after the cheating and Lemonade and all that. Hi. You think so? Like they got back together and were fucking? Lemonade? Lemonade's the most like ironic album I've ever heard in my life.

Here's the thing. Hov is like an old man. That's true. Jay-Z's old man. He's like a 50-something-year-old man. And he's kind of goofy-looking in a way. He's not ripped or in shape. When you see him in a white beater, he's a little bit doughy.

Jay-Z's 50. Meanwhile, Beyonce has an ass and a body, and she can move. I bet you she's getting dick on the side. yeah i don't think so yeah because hov ain't doing it no he is oh you think hov throws down yeah as a 50 year old man 50's not that old who's fucking you know he's been fucking groupies and shit forever becky with the good hair and shit you think he's like still really throwing it for beyonce yes it's beyonce i i i think that that falls under the whole like title of kind of like there's always a guy tired of her i i i disagree with that that notion yeah oh that's the most true notion in the world i don't know

oh are you kidding me i i don't know i i don't i don't think that they're everyone in the world is having it's like sick of having sex with a significant other oh i think they are i don't think that everyone in the world is sick of having sex with their significant other. I think they are. I don't think so. I think everybody, it doesn't mean you hate it or you stop doing it, but there's nobody who, it's just not human to keep up the same level of interest in anything. But I think it's a difference of like, where it's changed versus like, I'm mad we're having sex. Like, I'm tired of fucking you. That's not like that's

a very targeted number I think most normal couples probably get I'm tired of you but if you work at it you have to like try because I think otherwise naturally it's just like anything else same thing over and over again you lose interest A-Rod and J-Lo

zero like terrible really? yeah i don't think a rod i think a rod is so awkward oh i think they fuck i think i'm gonna give them a throw down i i feel like a rod is now i mean he's fucking athletic once you're an athlete you're an athlete all the time no i think there's way more to sex than athleticism. I think it's the number one thing. No. No. I think athleticism is incredibly important.

Bro, I can fuck it. I'm not athletic. We're not like, I'm not going to be like lifting you and doing crazy positions and shit, but I think it's much more about like your mentality, and I think A-Rod's a little bit awkward in that sense. All right, maybe. John Legend and Chrissy Teigen. Yeah, I think they used used to and now they are you know oh emily blind krasinski that's an interesting one you think i can see them being

like closet freaks because they do seem like such nice people but maybe he's like doing some kinky shit what do you uh they got engaged within a year meeting that's that's a fiery passion right there they got engaged in a year of meeting that's that's a fiery passion right there they got engaged in a year of meeting i'm giving a's across the board if you're hot i give you an a cluny cluny and them all a i don't know i feel like cluny see i think cluny them all they do some candlelight shit i think like cluny is like the uh like the olivia munn like those two should get together cluny and munn, because I think Clooney obviously has fucked every girl, every which way,

but this is like the woman he settled down with to be like a political, like head of state. You know what I mean? What a move. Yeah. What an all time move. Will and Jada Smith. A.

They're fucking everybody. Guys, girls, like I think they're having big old orgies. Yeah. Big, big into the Scientology game. I think he didn't like found a school that's unfounded by me, but I'm pretty're having big old orgies. Big into the Scientology game. Didn't he found a school?

That's unfounded by me, but I'm pretty sure he did. Last one. David Beckham and Victoria Beckham. B minus. A. She's a little too poshy, I think. I think there's a reason why. I think she's a little prissy.

And I think David's been around the block, bro. I wonder what David Beckham's body count number is. It's got to be astronomical. Astronomical. When you hear about, like, you know, if Chris D'Elia is, like, smashing all over town, you got to think about some true superstars. I think he's got a smaller pool to pick from.

David? David Beckham just does women of age. Yeah. No, I almost think it's a larger... Chris D'Elia's like, well, you're 18 now. You're out. Yeah. All right, next voicemail.

Hey, KFC Fight. This is Chelsea from California. First time, long time. My husband and I have an idea that I want you guys to weigh in on. My husband was showering the other day, and I made the joke that I usually make when his bald hair gets too long. I told him, you need to braid it or fade it. And he said that he wished whenever he goes to the barber for his regular haircut,

he could get manscaping done too. I thought about it, and women have had services for their genitals for decades. We can get wax, sugar, vaginal steaming, asshole bleaching. Why can't men have a ball sack barber? Let me know what you guys think. Is this a million-dollar idea, or would no guy go to someone for this? Absolutely under no circumstance would I go to a ball barber. I'm very grateful that girls do this, that they go and they let a stranger like look at their asshole and wax them up.

Uh, but it's, it's crazy that they agree to do that. You know, like I would never, it's painful. It's, it's embarrassing. It's awkward. Um, and I don't know if girls banded together and were like you know you must i don't know what i would do then you know like if it became standard i mean i guess i'd be like okay what like i can do it myself well that's the point yeah i've always thought it's a little like god again god bless him but like why do you go to, why do you wax? Why can't, you know, if you shave, I'd be, like, fine with that.

Right. But I think I've always heard they like waxing more because it's done, it's clean, and then it stays that way for a while. But then you've got to, like, grow it out to do it again. It seems waxing is impractical to me. Believe it or not, I don't know much about women's vaginas, and I don't understand how waxing works. I don't understand much about women's vaginas and i don't i don't understand how waxing works i don't understand how laser works that makes no fucking sense to me

yeah you just go to the doctor a few times you just never have to shave again that's crazy town but i bro shaving my nuts takes 17 seconds yeah it's it's a very so fucking easy why would i bother going if i do like it takes like 17 seconds once every few weeks yeah it is hardly a thing i even realize register that i have to do that late let registers with me is something i have to do i also think that and girls are probably gonna scream and yell on this one not saying it it doesn't hurt and i'm sure when you get into some of those crevices and get pretty personal with it it's it's some fragile areas but i mean if you were to like put like a wax paper on your on your ball sack i don't think they do that it would be you know this is not an option no you couldn't

no so that's i think that's like the main reason why it's just like you would you would your nuts would end up falling out they would roll out like a fucking bag of peanuts that skin is way too fragile not not happening um but thank you girls who do do it but i also think that as a guy like for her to be like it's getting long i mean what does that even mean he must be letting it go for like a year right what does that mean for it to be for it to be noticeable for for a girl to like. What does that mean? For it to be noticeable? For a girl to have looked at your nuts and be like, oh boy, it's this long now, that long.

I mean, I don't think I ever let it get past, you know, a fucking millimeter. I don't know. Just keep it going. Just keep it clean. Fucking keep it clean, girls.

Guys, last one, and then we'll get into our interviews. Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by 3Chi. 3Chi is revolutionizing the fucking game, because let me tell you something. 3Chi is just a legal weed dealer, which I know is kind of becoming a thing anyway, medicinal weed and legal marijuana. But, you know, you usually got to have the card and the license and the dispensary.

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What the fuck do I do? I'm going to puke, buddy. So weird little story. I was hooking up with this chick, very good-looking girl, way out of my league, humble brag, but while we were hooking up for the first time, we were getting into it and then one thing led to the other.

We started talking dirty and she said said fuck my tight pussy with your big dick daddy and i let out a inaudible laugh um she then said what the fuck why the fuck are you laughing at me i turtled and said that i didn't laugh and now she brings it up all the time i know if this happened to me if i was in her shoes i would fucking hate my or not hate myself but just be super uncomfortable about it i've been thinking too i didn't laugh and now I can't get out of this situation just wondering what your thoughts are fuck my tight pussy with your big dick daddy and you laugh, it's a lot

I mean it's a lot from her but I think you gotta realize when you're in the trust tree and you're in the bed and shit's gonna fly you can't laugh at people unless it's like a, we always say if you're joking around, if I if I fall over, if something silly and embarrassing happens, but if someone's trying to be sexy and you laugh at them, that's one of the more like, that's hard to come back from.

Yeah. That will really, that'll kill the mood in the moment. That could kill like your sex life where it's like, well, I was going out on a limb and I was trying something that I think to be like a big turn on. And I was trying to be like hot for you. And you just fucking laughed at my face. That's tough. Boy. I don't know. I mean

how do you like fix that? I think the next time I think you gotta like you gotta reiterate it to her. You know? I was gonna say exactly quote. Yeah like i'm gonna fuck your your type pussy with my exact daddy exact quote so she knows what it sounds like because it's

not fair if you say if you alter the quote she's got to hear exactly the quote why to make her realize how silly it sounded i don't know i'm just joking but you just gotta tell her fuck my type pussy with your big dick have you. Have you ever done that, by the way? Have you ever mixed up and said it wrong? I sure haven't. Yeah. During phone sex, I have for sure said like. You doing phone sex? Back in the day.

Oh. I was in high school. Before sexting and video and all that shit was a thing. And my girlfriend was off of college. I would be like, fuck my pussy. I mean, fuck. What? It was bad.

And that and that. But you know what? Then we both laughed and it was like a thing. But it's not like I was trying to be sexy and she was like, well, that didn't work. I'm laughing at you, you clown. I think you got to I think you got to go give her the exact same phrase back and let her know. All right.

I'm trying. Start going over the top. Let's go all the way in. Yeah, take that shit, you little girl. Talk like the guy. What's his name? Levi Jenkins? Call Daddy.

And you take that dick, girl. You little bitch. Don't call me bitch. I'm sorry about that. I would also avoid little girl as you started out there. Oh, yeah, you said little girl. Yeah avoid little girl as I started out there. Oh yeah, you said little girl. Yeah, little girl.

It is dangerous when you talk like a murderer because if you sound like a murderer you're probably talking like a murderer. Take that, little lady. Oh God, I have to go throw up these hot dogs and listening to you be crawdaddy is not helping. I can't think of his name.

Slughorn? Who? What are you talking about? What's his name? Scarver. Can you give me a hint? Is this from a movie or a show? No, it's from 30 Rock, but they're... It's not a character

in 30 Rock. Liz Lemon is just quoting a movie character. But I forget. But yeah, just, I don't know, man, like, when people do dirty talk, like, I just want to be like, do that. Just go crazy over the top with it, because, like, it's just silly. It is.

All of it's silly. But you can't laugh at people, man. You can't laugh at me. Don't laugh at me. You don't laugh at people. Don't, like, don't look at my flaccid dick and don't laugh at my dirty talk. Otherwise, we're going to have problems. Oh, God, I'm really going to puke. I'm legit going to go puke after this.

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This is so much better. Are you guys sitting on stained chairs? I'm even worse. Howie, I probably am. I'm sitting in a hotel room. Oh, you're not. Howard, he is in a hotel room in West Virginia. I'd have to imagine that's like the last place on earth you'd want to be. Why? Why are you in a hotel? I'm here.

I had to come to West Virginia to film a video at a racetrack. So this morning I was talking to jockeys and interviewing horses and now I'm sitting in a hotel room and I was, I was actually working out, not to brag, working out before this. And I was thinking how much you must hate that. Like I was washing my hands every time I touched a dumbbell or anything. I just watched you take your finger out of your ear and put it near your mouth. I was moving my hair. You weren't, you weren't, you weren't.

You were honestly, you were like the first guy I thought about when the world went to hell. And I was thinking how much of a disaster coronavirus and quarantine would be for you. But then I also thought maybe not because you're the most prepared guy in the world for this, right? Well, I'm not. I am a mess. And I'll be totally honest with you. And, you know, the nightmare, every time I've been on your show, we talked about my own personal nightmare, you know, but it was a nightmare. And it's what I've lived every day of my waking life in my own head. But then I wake up. And then I come to places like

your place where you have filthy chairs, and you're living and striving. But then, you know, in March or February, we woke up and it wasn't such a nightmare. So welcome to my world, people. Were you not happy that other people were nervous too, but were you kind of like, you see, this is what I always deal with? No, because I did take comfort in other people just laughing at me and being able to thrive and telling me I'm more comfortable with people thinking I'm an idiot than it's scarier feeling like maybe that's the way everybody should live. I don't like that.

It feels more uncomfortable now. Through telehealth, I've moved my therapist into a whole other tax bracket. I have a question about the telehealth therapy. Because guess what? I've stopped doing it because I'm too nervous that someone's going to be recording me. I don't trust them. You're good trust. That's why I drew the line at the self-prostate check.

I throw those out, but not on camera. That's just for fun. That's not even medical that's just that's a tuesday afternoon does it feel like it's enlarged i go yeah he goes does it feel like it's uh like uh is it is it is it tender to the touch and i go yeah and he goes did i say put a glove on and i go no oh uh so what else is cooking, man? I know you got this new Quibi show out. My wife is cooking.

My wife is cooking, and she's not good at it. And I've lost 20 pounds. Have you really? I really have. Dude, that's awesome. I've actually been exercising, and I've lost exactly zero pounds. I've exercised,ised like every single day. I have every day.

I just waver between like 208 and 211. That's it. It doesn't matter. It doesn't stop. It doesn't change. Well, what do you call exercise? The fact that you've set up. That's the start of the day.

Listen, we don't exercise shame here. Everyone's got their own, you know, hill to climb. If he's getting out of bed, he's getting out of bed. Howard, leave him alone. Yeah, I know, but he's been exercising every day and he hasn't lost a bit. Well, I don't think exercise necessarily is for weight. I think that eating is what, I've lost a lot of weight and not purposely. Yeah, you didn't need it.

You didn't need to. I didn't need this. And that's what I keep saying. I told my wife, though, the good news is when we come out of this, I want her to write a cookbook. I told her it's a cookbook. But I'm going to change the cover when it gets published to a diet book. Because everything she makes goes right through you like too fast. Oh, my God.

We are in Howie's butt today. We got a cost-cutting sample. Oh, yeah, again. Again Howie's butt today. We got a cross-hitting stamp. Oh, yeah, again. Again, it's my theme. Tell me about Kirby Jenner because, I mean, it sounds like a fantastic plot and major characters involved, a lot of heavy-headed producers like yourself. It seems pretty cool. Yeah, it's on Quibi right now.

Kirby Jenner came to our attention on Instagram, and Kirby Jenner, for those that don't know that might be listening, is the the lesser known Jenner. Kendall's a fraternal twin. And he is just amazing. He is the star of his own show. And along with Kendall and Chris and the whole Kardashian clan and me and a lot of friends, you could see the life of her fraternal twin,

which has not been exposed. It's the only part of the Jenner Kardashian clan that had little exposure except on Instagram that it's, he's now in all his glory on Quibi. Now I have a lot of questions about for both the show and like what filming a show for Quibi is like. Like, how does that happen? Because just with the upright view, it must be a completely different filming experience. With the, because of why? Why could it be different? How it's watched, like upright on the phone.

Oh, I didn't feel like it was any different. You can watch it upright on the phone. You could turn it. You know, Quibi has it whatever way way we just shot it like a regular show. What's amazing about it without giving too much away is, and go check them out on Instagram and you'll see what it is. You know, we're able to Photoshop him into scenes that were already pre-shot on, on the Kardashians. And you could see like a little behind the scenes. So we add to it, but we shot it regularly. We shot it in, you know, so that it would, it could play on television. It could play in a theater and it could play on Quibi. But right now Quibi is the only place to see it.

Those are Photoshopped those scenes like where he's talking to Kim and she says he's like the best kept secret. I think, you know, it's hard for me to remember which one she was actually there, but most of them, everything that you see on Instagram, they are not there. Wow. So,

they're absolutely brilliant at being able to insert themselves in storylines that already existed and then just twist them into a sick, funny, comedic way. But that's what they've been able to do. But, you know, as it turned, but that's what they've been able to do. But, you know, as it turned out,

we became fans of him, of his, my company and me, and we wanted to do a show. And I reached out to the Kardashians because my kids actually grew up with theirs, with them. And not Kendall, Chloe and Courtney. But so I reached out to Chris and it turns out they were big fans and Kendall loved it. So we said to Kendall, do you want to come with me and let's sell this show?

And Kendall and me and McG, who's also the other producer on it, just went into these rooms. We went to Quibi. Quibi was about to launch or about to, they just started buying things and we loved that format. These are seven minute little nuggets and we would, and, and, uh, so they've loved it so much that, uh, even though it just premiered a couple of weeks ago on Quibi, they just ordered another season. So we're pretty excited about that.

That's awesome. Had you, uh, done anything professionally with the Jenners or Kardashians? Sounds like you kind of knew them in regular life, but was this your first time working with them? No, I've worked with them before. I had a show on TBS called Deal With It where people wore an earpiece and they, you know, one unknown person was at a restaurant or on a date. And Kylie and Kendall were on that with us.

You know, Chris has been very accommodating. I've known them for years and years. They're actually, they were neighbors. Before they were even on TV. Bruce was the guy that was on TV. Were they neighbors at the house that Kim surprised? Like, recently, Kim took, like, they rented out their childhood home and then like made it back like the old days i think it was on like last season or two seasons ago

and you know to be honest with you i didn't watch that but yeah i've been neighbors of when they were not when kim was a little kid uh chloe and my daughter were in the same school in the same class so and and i also when i used to fill in for uh regis remember regis and kathy lee so i used to fill in and i used to and i used to uh work with kathy lee and became good friends with kathy lee kathy lee's best friend is chris so we would all uh go to dinner that's years and years and years ago. I remember Kendall and Kylie were just around the time that they were just born. Ah, now is this,

is it hard for that to get them? You said they were in right away, but just like my interpretation of the Jenners and Kardashians from afar, obviously is that they're like very focused on their brand. And this brand is obviously making fun of them. So they, but they were just right. Not making fun of them. It's not. And that's the key. Here's what it is. They do have, and people wouldn't know that they do have an amazing sense of humor.

And to have a sense of humor, you got to be able to poke fun at yourself. They, they get it. They are really smart. I don't think you can become, listen, there's a million docu-follow series. Not all of them get the kind of success that they do. I don't think that's an accident. I think they know exactly what they're doing. I think they know exactly how they're portrayed

and they know how to market. And they're brilliant, actually. It's's brilliant and doing this is just another example of how brilliant they are because the second i saw this i was like i was never not a fan of the conashians but you know i didn't really watch the show it's not made for me and as soon as i saw this i was like they are awesome just being able to because i just saw when um when kirby says he said something like everyone in my family does something important. You know, my sister is a model. My sister Kylie, Chloe's tall.

Chris does business. And I like to rollerblade. I was like, that's hilarious. And the fact that they're all in on this is so awesome. And nobody laughs harder at that than them. So just to know them, to really know them, they know what they're marketing and they know who they are and they know how they're perceived. And this would not be on the air if it wasn't for them.

You know, Kirby was doing it for years on Instagram, you know, and, and until, and, and he wanted to try to sell it. The, the, the key was when they met me is just putting them together with the Kardashians because it was not going to sell without the Kardashians. You know, it was not, what was beautiful about it and amazing about it is not only technically how he was able to usurp himself

into their life and already the footage that already existed, but he needed to do that otherwise if they said no to it on instagram they didn't have a choice because he just did it but now to do a television show and do a production and put money behind it they they hold all the cards you know they own the footage they probably own part two because then you can choose like you can go oh no no you're not making that joke. He can do whatever he wants if he's on Instagram.

If he's collecting Kardashian paychecks, he'll go, I don't think so. That one's blacklisted. But you have to know how open they were and how much fun and even when they did show up

on the set, they did things beyond the script. What if we do this? They know funny. They really do know funny and go ahead was there was there concern were you nervous about like jumping on a new platform with quibi did you consider going anywhere else with it we didn't right away that's the first place we went um i don't i don't get nervous about anything i don't is, you know, they were launching it and at the time we were

selling it, it just seemed like they had, they were really aggressively trying to go after something different and something that hadn't been seen. And it was a really good business model for us as a company to be able, you know, they were, they paid well, you know, and they gave us a lot of creative freedom probably more than any other network regular network would have given us and uh they were just so excited to be in the in business with the kardashians because you know any any one of them you know has access to you know 200 million people just on any of their platforms. I mean, what is that like where it's like, you see something funny on Instagram or this guy comes to you,

you take some interest in it and you can be like, let me get the Kardashians. Let me get Quibi. I mean, you're making shit happen, Howie. It feels like I am, you know, I do that. But I like that even more than being on, on camera or on radio or on sound myself. I love the idea now. And I can't. Are you a little COVID-y?

You just keep coughing. No, you know what happened? You ever like just swallow, spit down the wrong tube, and then it's just stuck in there? That's what's happening right now. Nope, never happened. You've never done that? You've never used like a little saliva hits like your lungs and then you're choking for the next 10 minutes? No, I've always practiced swallowing my saliva and I'm really good at it

now. And I've never made a mistake. And it went down the wrong tube. You ever think how it's weird to do little shots of saliva, but if you did a whole glass, it's gross. There you go. I hope if you guys have an idea, you bring it my way. Think about that. You know what I mean? I'm always laughing about it, but a little bit too much. I hope if you guys have an idea, you bring it my way. Because what I love to do is I love to, you know, if I hear an idea, it's almost the package that makes it happen. I don't care about being on camera.

And I don't care. Like, at this point in my career, I love funny. And I love interesting. And I love different. And just because I've been doing it for 40 years, it's not that I'm that connected. I've worked with a lot of people because I've been around for a long time. So I feel like I have this perspective now where you say, here's what I want to do. This is a funny thing.

Or I see Instagram, you know, and it could be as simple as like I partnered with Instagram on, you know, doing things, people, the, so animals doing things, morons doing things, drunks doing things. So I called them up because it was animals doing things. And I knew it was an easy sale. I go, guys, you're just living on here. Can I just take that? And we sold it to Nat Geo Wild. And now it's on, you know, I think Disney Plus.

Sorry, that's like, um, that's like a big part of your business is kind of just like, like finding things on social media, just having the eye, finding things, not necessarily on social media. I'm really interested in any kind of IP, any kind of it. I was at a studio for about seven years producing as a producing company. And for the most part, they just want to try to sell linear television to networks and cable companies. And I started coming across great ideas which don't necessarily fit the mold of the half-hour show or a the docu-series. And I would go and I'd go,

hey, I got a great idea. Why don't we do these short, like four minute little funny things? And we could do that. And we could get branded entertainment. So maybe I can get like a brand to come on board so we can do this. And then maybe it'll be like kind of interstitial. I didn't even know at the time. And they go, well, that's not what we do. That's not what we do. So about seven years ago, I went out on my own because I just love, I live day and night on the internet and on television. My television's on 24 seven. And even if it's not English, I don't care. I'm just so fascinated. I go, not now, but I go to clubs and see people do different things. And I'm always trying to figure out, oh, this is so good. I want to share this with people. Is there a couple of people that I can put together to make

you, where can I do this? Where can I share this? Where can I, you know? I have a facility in LA and I bring together like even people, I have people that are technical geniuses that have come up with ways of doing things. Like I have a company right now that's in my office, but we don't have material for it yet, but real easy, live, real-time animation. So they can create a character and it could be fully manipulated and not motion capture fully manipulated and moved kind of like a digital marionette you guys could voice it and we can make a cartoon for almost no money and it could be produced in hours not in months not in days so what i love about that is that i'm a huge south park fan and one of the beauties of fan. And one of the beauties of South Park

and one of the beauties of the comedy is they can comment on what's happening now. You know, when I did Bobby's World, and I'm trying to bring that back, when I did Bobby's World, I wanted to make comments on what was happening now. But at that time when we had to do animation, it was all done in Taiwan and it took six months.

So if I made a reference to something that was going on, by the time I got it back and it aired, it was almost nine months later. We couldn't, this is like real time. If something happened in the news today, I can have a fully animated cartoon about it tonight. How about, how about two average guys who record a podcast in a dirty studio? Is there a market for that? There really is.

You know that because you're getting paid to do it. But you guys are really funny. If you have something else that you want to do or you have some ideas, please, and all your friends, bring them my way. I enjoy nothing more than trying to figure out a new way to do things and to launch things. We actually have a great idea. We have an idea.

We're not going to share it right now. We'll keep it off. We'll get to you off air. But it's a fucking good idea. Okay, but when we get off air, I'll give you my personal, you know, you could talk to me because I love nothing. As much as I love everything I do and being on TV, my favorite thing is, is stand up because that's like in the moment. And I like to improvise a lot and get taken off the beaten path.

But my favorite, I, my favorite thing to do now is to hear an amazing idea. That's not mine. And to kind of just, and you know, people who watch Kirby may not even know that I had anything to do with it. And that's OK by me. Because the check still clears, right? Exactly, man. There's we need more Howie's out there because nowadays people are even more at this point. And this is going to sound a little altruistic and bullshitty.

But the truth of the matter is, at this point, it's not even about money. At this point. I fucking bet it's not Howie. It's not. No, I do. Well I fucking bet it's not Howie. It's not. No, I, I, I do.

Yeah. Listen, when you're on, I was saying, I bet it's not because you're, you're killing it. Yeah. 65 of America's got talent and the money's coming in for that.

You can do whatever the fuck you want. And that's exactly right. I can do what I want. And because I, you know, I could say, Hey, I won't even take a fee for this.

Let's just put this together. There's some joy in saying, I think this is like the funniest thing I've ever seen or the most amazing thing I've ever seen. And call a friend here and call a friend there and say, you know, and that's why I ended up, you know, I got 30,000 square feet of studio space in Van Nuys. When I was at a lot, I had to go, you know, through hoops and rings just to say, can I shoot something? Is there any way I can get a camera? I just want to do it. You know, we shoot things every day and 99% of it doesn't work, you know, but that's how, you know, I get to just play and it doesn't work and it's nothing. I thought that was going to be a good idea, but this is a piece of shit. And I love that. You're either the best or worst producer in the world. It's like, we don't need money. Do whatever you want. I don't even know if it's going to get on the air. It's either the best or worst formula I've ever heard, Howie. But that's the way to do it. Because I think that comedy and whatever you're doing by collaboration and with a corporate overtone doesn't work. You know, I, I want to like break rules and have fun and do things that are different. And, uh, you know, I like selling that's, you know, I came from the

carpet business and I did this. We talked about this the last time I was on, I, this was a dare to become a comedian. This isn't something I aspired to be But what I learned, it's all selling. So if I can do something and find something that the world wants to buy, I like to do it. It's kind of like real estate. You know, if you can give me some property and I can find the best builder, the best bricklayer, the best roofer and things like that. And we could build a house that everybody wants to buy and move into, then that's the way to go. Let's build a house with Howie. Howie's house. Let's go. Speaking of houses, how stressful has it been doing interviews in your house?

Just like, because you don't want to look too nice, right? I feel like after the Imagine people, when everyone was getting roasted, when that video Imagine went viral. I know, she tried so hard. I feel like every celebrity

we've interviewed since then has just been sitting in a corner. You don't like it? I thought this was a beautiful part of the house. I think it's beautiful. I just think that you're selectively choosing this beautiful view that's just like the walls right behind me. I don't...

Why don't you turn the camera around, Howie? Why don't you give us a tour, Howie? Show us your entire house. Let me see the bedroom. I'm going to lose the bedroom. That's a long way from Wi-Fi. Oh, we've got to get in a golf cart to get to the bedroom, I bet.

I'm in the guest house right now. Yeah. Just outside, I bet. Yeah, yeah. Let's swing over there. I'm in the guest house right now. Yeah. Just outside because I yell. And I mentioned it before, but how is America's Got Talent going? I mean, at that point, that must just be, you know, an easy paycheck,

but also a lot of fun for you. You just know what you're doing. This is the best season yet. I got to tell you, it really is. And people say that, I say it every year, but it really is. And also because it's the most interesting and uh toughest exciting and i'll tell you why so we

started out this season this is season 15 and heidi klum came back and she's an amazing really good friend and beautiful and you know not to who gets paid to sit beside Heidi fucking Klum. And then, yes, that's kind of a gig, you know, and not there's no preparation involved for what I do. You know, I just see a show just like you do. And then comment. I said I do everything on that show that the first four years I wasn't on the show. Like everybody else, I sit on the couch in my underpants and comment out loud. Now they give me pants and a paycheck and I'm doing the same thing. And then Sofia Vergara is just stunning, funny, amazing, and just such a joy. And Simon and I are very close and Terry Crews is great. So then we start the show and there's great talent. And

I think I figured that talent just gets inspired by the year before, like somebody sees a contortionist and they go, well, I can do that, but what if I hung upside down two stories in the air and lit myself on fire? And that's what people do. They keep pushing that envelope. But then what happened is real world.

So up until last week, I think this coming Tuesday is gonna be the first time you will follow the journey that we took. We started shooting about 17 days before the pandemic or the shutdown. And then came the shutdown. We're in the midst of shooting the auditions. And they said the first part was that we couldn't have an audience.

So now we're in this cavernous theater and people come out and then they go, ta-da! And it's like crickets. But there's something that was harder for the acts than it was for us. There's something, I mean, I think for the audience, it's going to be really kind of intimate and fun and the ability to focus and it's different. And then Heidi Klum got sick and we freaked out.

It turned out that she didn't have COVID-19. So then there were three of us. And then Sophia invited her friend Eric Stonestreet to sit in. So he sat in for a couple of acts and that was great and then they shut us down totally we weren't allowed to show up and we did some by zoom very much i feel like i'm doing an episode of agt right now very and um extra and then we don't know where the middle rounds are going to be they just here in la as we speak just opened up production but we i don't know what all the rules are, but we're going to start doing a middle round. And I don't know if what the answer is to audiences or anything. So I think like through the eyes and the lens of,

I think we're the one show where you, you're going to watch that journey, us go through the journey that everybody has gone through. Whereas other shows, it was a certain way and now you watch it and they're just on Zoom, but you're going to watch step-by-step. And then this week, my golden buzzer is something I'm really excited about. I finally pressed the golden buzzer to somebody for some act that has never been portrayed on our show before. And it's not a singer. It's not a dancer. It's not magic. It's something different. I'm really excited about that. And I think that comes up this week.

When does this thing air that I'm talking on right now? It'll probably be next week. Yeah. Tuesday. After. So wasn't I great last Tuesday? I mean, it's literally

the show must go on. So that's pretty cool to watch it all unfold. If I came out and I would rather come out to 100,000 fans I mean, it's literally the show must go on. So that's pretty cool to watch it all unfold. If I came out and I would rather come out to 100,000 fans than just you, Simon, Heidi, and Sophia. If I came out and saw that, I'd never mind. Either way, you could do good or bad.

It's going to be crickets. You're not going to get any reaction this way. You know that for sure. That's intimidating. I don't have the confidence. But it's just about the act, and it's just about what you do and not the, what I liked about it, to be honest with you, I can't tell you how many times an act has come out on AGT in the normal days, you know, it's come out in AGT and they start to sing or they start to do something.

The audience is just so excited about being there and seeing this. And they want to be, you know, good cheerleaders. And, you know, 4,000 people are roaring. And then the person hits a note. It's usually a singer. And then they, and they go to their feet and we could barely hear. And it's really hard to say, like, after everybody is so into this, I go, well, look, they loved you. Everybody loved you. This is really great. Look how you did with this, you know, as a standup performer, as a, you know, a standup comic, you know, who gauges it? The audience really gauges it. And I can't tell you how many times I'm swayed by the audience reaction. And then I go home and you could hear it, you know, clearly.

And I go, what was I thinking? Oh my my god so it allowed us to be more uh you know kind of myopic we had like blinders on and i could you know if you're going to come out and sing even if you're not going to get the applaud or you're going to show me some magic the trick is the trick right you know i i think that the the laughter and the applause and that is is added you know it's like eating a good cake without the icing right howie what would you get on your sat vocab i i never took an sat i don't have a ged no kidding really you never graduated high school you've hit us with incestual ubiquitous and myopic just in this conversation oh i did that's vocabulary you have there so i like i like to read but i know i don't i did horror i um i had severe adhd and ocd even in

school and i acted up we talked about some of the things that i did you know on the you know i hired a uh uh what's it called uh what oh i mean, just saying bye. My daughter's, bye. What's up? How is she doing? Wasn't she vlogging and stuff? Wasn't she doing something on Instagram? That's the other daughter. So Jacqueline Schultz,

you could follow her on Instagram. She's a vlogger. Riley, do you have anything you want to promote? What's your TikTok? What's your TikTok, Riley? Riley's not on TikTok. Riley is known as the secret sister. Riley is our one family member that has no desire to be on camera whatsoever.

In fact, she's married. And we were just going through her wedding album. And there's not one picture of her. So she's just very shy. Riley's Kirby Jenner. There you go. Riley is our Kirby Jenner. That's great. You want to say hi, Riley? No?ner. Yeah, there you go. Riley is our Kirby Jenner. That's great.

You want to say hi, Riley? No? Okay. I was talking to me, not to them. You don't even want to. Love you, too. Bye-bye. He's leaving.

Well. She's a physical therapist. Oh, I've been going to PT. I started PT in quarantine. What? Why? What's wrong? I got a bum shoulder, Howie.

It's real tough. I get the... Who could help you? I get all taped up. I do a lot. I just did my exercise right before going to the gym. What? What a world we live in.

She does it on Zoom now. She has to do it on Zoom. Oh, see, in Massachusetts, we can go. So I have to wear a mask the whole time, but I can go. Yeah. My son just went to get a haircut in this quarantine and he had a, and he shaved his beard. He shaved his head. He's got a long beard, Alex Mandel. If you go look at him and he, he went to, he goes to this barber that he likes, but the barber open, it's one person at a time.

And, uh, he went there, they cover the seat with paper. The barber is wearing a mask and a shield and everything. But then when he wanted to get his beard trimmed, he had to he took off his mask, but just to one side. So the guy shaved like that up and then it's the other side. He shows him like that and then he has to hold it over his mouth while he does his mustache and then he holds it. But if you go check him out right now, he kind of looks like, well, the pictures that he put up look like a before and a before. It's on my Instagram. I put my son up. Well, I love it. The Mandel family. You're like a modern day American success story, man. From no GED to millions of dollars and a thousand shows. Producer of Hollywood. Great production. I mean, you're special, Howie. I feel like I'm really lucky. And I feel that I work really hard. And I'm really proud of my kids

who actually work really hard and have careers of their own. Sons me. The one that's the blogger, Jackie, is an inner city school teacher who taught in South Central LA and Crenshaw and East LA. Now she has two kids of her own. So she's at home and she's locked in. So that's what she does. So she's still vlogging. And my kids are great. I've been really lucky, but I work really hard.

And hopefully I stay lucky and I hope everybody stays healthy and safe. That's all I want. I wanted it for me most of my life, but now I want it for everybody. Well, let's hope, man. We really appreciate the time. As always, you can catch Kirby Jenner on Quibi. And of course, America's Got Talent season 15. And who knows, maybe, maybe,

maybe something that we produce one day. Well, let's do it. When we get off of this, DM me on my Instagram. I will. I will. I got something for you. Okay. All right. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Thanks, man. I'll see you, man. Bye. I've got some mysteries that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the life of you.

It's only life This is the soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life Yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh

Getting along, yeah, yeah