KFC Radio - I Donated my Kidney and All I Got Was Ridiculed - KFC Radio Full Episode

Episode Date: October 7, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Catch us at the New York Comedy Festival (Maybe?) - New York Yankees are eliminated from post season - Kidney Person Twitter story - People Jackie should know but probably won't know - AITA - Voicemails - Do you have milk? - how much to hire a hitman? - Disney film vs Netflix doc - pool of jello Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Let's say it together. And a what, Kevin? A one, two, three. And a where are we going at? Let's do that again. You do it.

Ready, Kevin? A one, two, three. Are you ready for this? Are you ready for this? It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We got a couple big announcements. First off, KFC Radio Live will be a part of the New York City Comedy Festival, which is a yearly week of comedy all across all the different venues in New York City. All five boroughs. Seven days, five boroughs.

Over 200 different comedians, 100 different shows. And KFC Radio will be a part of that for the first time ever. So we are going to be on stage Friday night, November 12th. The early show. It's like 6.30 or 7 o'clock at the Gramercy Theater. It's probably one of our bigger shows ever alongside the Wilbur. So tickets are on sale now.

We're going to put on a fucking spectacle for you. I might learn how to swallow swords. It would actually be better if you didn't learn how to, but still tried. Imagine. John just like slits his fucking throat. We just spin that

as a fucking Are you about to say jar? Are you about to say jar it? Well, it would be a spin job. So it would be a spin job of an accidental death that we spin into. Oh no, John died. That's how we wanted to go out. John swallowed a sword

without knowing how to swallow a sword. Right. So that ended how you think you did. You swallow a sword and I will fire breathe without knowing how to breathe fire. Mine's easy. You just spit fucking gasoline. Just so sick of his... I'm so sick of his sickness. I bet you are. You just spit fucking gasoline. I'm just so sick of his sickness.

I bet you are. I thought I ruined that. You are becoming my Toby. Why are you the way you are? Dude, I don't know, man. I don't fucking know. No, back to it. We're on sale.

We got tickets on sale. We're up. I know the RU Garbage guys Are gonna be performing Along with Like I said A zillion other acts I think Mike Cannon

And Feeney Are up there So all of You know All the New York comics We've seen on the show Throughout the years And we're finally joining them

So you know The podcast guys Getting up on stage At the comedy festival Is a pretty big With quite You threw out the big... With quite a... You threw out the word spectacle. With quite a spectacle, I think.

We'll see. Nothing is confirmed, but we have grand ideas in our head. Can I tell you how much... That's a start. Can I tell you how much nothing's confirmed? I don't even know if we're actually a part of the festival. No. No.

Like, there's a big poster. I don't know if we're on it. The Gramercy Theater. Nick was like, I don't know if the Gramercy Theater is a part of it. I don't know if we're on it. The Gramercy Theater. Nick was like, I don't know if the Gramercy Theater is a part of it. I don't know if we're even in it, John. We might just be bootlegging our way into the festival. Well, people have told us we're in the festival. That's what I'm saying.

I'm going with what I was told. I'm not going. I didn't invent the idea. Someone called me and said, do you want to be in it? I said, sure. That's what I'm saying. What more do I have to do? It's like, can we just get on the fucking poster, goddammit?

But we're in it. Or maybe we're not. It feels like we're not in it, if we're being honest here. But we got a show Friday night. This is all news to me. It all feels like we're not in this fucking thing. Absolutely. I don't think we're in it.

All right. I don't know if we have the budget for the fire breathers anymore. Anybody who wants to come on stage before the show and do weird shit, you're welcome. You just got to be cheap because we're not actually in the comedy festival. What the fuck? John, there is a poster that has like 800 names on it. We're not on it? I don't think we're on it.

All right. Right? Right? I mean, I had Zach look through it He was like it's alphabetical It looks like a What's that thing? Couchella

And And I was like Take a look at this And like find our name And It's Like I don't think You know

Look how long that We're not on that list I don't think we are Okay And it goes So I used to I used to look at the Coachella Or Couchella

Whatever the fuck That shit is called We really fucked that up In my own head And nowhere else Yeah But the What do they mean

Coachella or Couchella No they mean Coachella But the I used to wonder What the people In the small font did Yeah I figured they were

By like postal workers Who also had a little Jam band with their friends. And they're like their dad's friend who never really grew up. Yeah, they're not even active performers. No, it turns out they're wildly successful people who just don't even get on it. Absolutely. All right.

That's fun. That's good. I'm getting to the K's here. I've been in almost a decent mood all week, so I'm glad this happened. We've got Katie Hannigan, Kevin Iso, and the Flatbush Misdemeanors. Kyle Gordon is great, and that's it for the case. And that's it for the case.

So, uh, but also, to be fair, you know, so I see RU Garbage, I see Trevor Wallace is on there. There's a couple names that we know, but a lot of names that I don't. Sam Morrill's on there. So we're not doing the festival. But we are just doing a show Friday night in November in the middle of the festival,

so then who fucking cares? I'd almost rather this is like when we... This is like fucking... This is the media day. This is the NFL media day where we don't actually get invited, but we're like a part of it. Oh, I was going to say that this is McDonald's having a sale and saying it's part of restaurant week. Yeah. Yeah.

Come in and get a cheeseburger for a dollar. It's a restaurant week at McDonald's. This is Tico Texas saying she was a part of South by Southwest when she was just at a fucking weird bar like 20 miles away. We're in the New York City Comedy Festival. No, you're fucking not, assholes. Except no one told the New York City Comedy Festival. Or they did and they said no thanks. We were told we weren't allowed

to start promoting it until a certain time when the festival went live and I don't even think we're in it. We could have been selling tickets all this time. God damn it. We've been hoodwinked. Bamboozles. Let us straight. Run amok. Yeah, just buy your fucking tickets. And maybe John is going to kill himself with a sword.

Alright? There's your big tease. The other announcer Not as big as the fucking EastEnders or whatever the hell that band you said was. Not even a band. Let's see. Can we like search our names? Oh no, I already looked on this site. Yeah, we're not on there.

And this is where I saw grass. Hey, guess what? I was going to ask them for tickets to Gary Goldman, but I just bought them instead. Pretty happy I did that. Pretty smart. Pretty happy I didn't send them any. Hey, what's up? One of the acts, you know, just wondering if I could get tickets to Gary. We've never heard of you.

The guy went out of my way and just busted out the credit card on that one. Saved myself a load of embarrassment. It's like, that guy went out of my way and just busted out the credit card on that one, saved myself a load of embarrassment. To be fair, you know, not to put anybody down, but I mean, who, you know, some of these people. It's like. That's what I said. I've never heard of the East End. What's the band? I keep calling them a band because they sound like a band.

Yeah, no. The Flatbushers? Yeah, it was Kyle Iso Flatbush Misdemeanors. The Flatbush Misdemeanors. No, yeah. I think it's all one thing. Kevin Iso Flatbush Misdemeanors. Flatbush Misdemeanors. Yeah, I think it's all one thing. Kevin Iso Flatbush Misdemeanors. All right.

Well, see, don't sound like a band if you don't want to call you a band. That's a band. That's a band. They're very nice people. Maybe they're performing. Maybe they're doing music. Fuck if I know. I don't know.

I don't know. We're a part of the New York City fucking comedy festival. Wait, let's just hit me a search. Yeah, I think nothing's going to go wrong. No results, right? Just nothing. Okay. Seven boroughs. It should say seven boroughs, five days, 100 shows, 200 comedians, not KSU Radio.

Bro, what is happening? Make that graphic. Make exactly that with white font that says, but not KSU Radio. I'm learning this all in real time. I learned this all like five minutes ago. I was sure we were at the New York City Comedy Festival. I was too until... Oh, God.

The last thing... I texted you that picture of the... The last thing that you texted to me was the guy with the balls from the Friday Night Bites. The guy with the regular ass balls? I wouldn't call those regular, dude. I mean, they're callous. They look like an elephant's hoof. But... They do. They do. But aside from that, they're callous. They look like an elephant's hoof. But... But aside from that, they're pretty bright.

They're regularly sized. Those balls look like they have barnacles growing on them. If you don't know what we're talking about, there was a guy on Friday Night Pints we discussed who said he had his balls were enlarged from the vaccine and I just stumbled upon that picture. That ruined my day. Also, well, my day was already ruined when I found out I thought I was in a festival that I'm not actually in. The guy you made fun of has a show on Showtime.

A show on Showtime? First of all, I didn't make fun of anybody. I said it sounded like a band's name, which it does. Second of all, what's the show? It's called The Flatbush Misdemeanors. Kevin, I'm sorry, I'm off mic. Kevin Iso is the filmmaker and the movie, like he makes the show, and the show is called

The Flatbush Misdemeanors so he's a writer for a show on Showtime I hope they have like 10 million followers what's that show about is it about a band in Flatbush

yeah probably his stand up he has like a stand up clip it has like 400,000 views on YouTube everybody on this list is bigger than us

everybody's probably like who the fuck what's this about like they probably there probably was a poster with our name on it and some of these acts were like get rid of on this list is bigger than us. Everybody's probably like, who the fuck? Like, like, like they probably, they probably, there probably was a poster with our name on it and some of these acts

were like, get rid of the fucking these guys. No, you know what? I bet actually might have, like, they might actually not put

like a Barstool affiliated thing on there to be honest. That's entirely possible. Yeah, save themselves some heat at the comedy festival. Yeah,

that Ari Shaffir song. I'll tell you what, that tell you what that would be nice if that happened we don't need to be a bad PR we're not going to put these fucking assholes on it

the other announcement I have to make is that for the 20th time in 21 years the New York Yankees are eliminated from postseason contention

without even as much as a World Series appearance, John. It's the first time. They have not made the World Series in 18 years, which is the first time since 1921. No, it was something about 18 years, and it's the first time that that has happened since 1921, which was their first World Series appearance.

So we're talking like this type of futility has not happened since the Yankees weren't the Yankees. Yeah, the league's caught up to them. I honestly, I mean, and I'm guilty of doing this because I think. You missed the quote, an all-time quote. What? Aaron Boone gave that quote last night. What did he say?

The league's caught up to us. After they lost? Yeah. He said, yeah, the league's caught up to us. We got some changes to make. The league's caught up to you. Sir, the league passed you by over a decade ago. There's so many teams ahead of you.

No one is chasing you except for wild card teams. You came in third place in the division this year. The Mariners were. Maybe the league caught up to you. The Mariners almost passed you by. Give me a fucking break, Aaron Judge. Give me a fucking break. No Judge. Give me a fucking break. No, Aaron Boone.

Aaron Boone. I mean, it is an insane thing to say. He has to get fired. Well, it's not even fired. It's just those contracts expired. So he's not getting renewed. It is. The league has caught up to us.

That is incredible. Sir, you haven't beat the Boston Red Sox in the postseason since 2004. Eight out of nine. The last person to beat the Boston Red Sox in the postseason since 2004. Eight out of nine. The last person to beat the Boston Red Sox in the postseason was Aaron Boone. And you're telling me the league's caught up to you? Bro, that is so

perfect. So my question was going to be, and I'm guilty of putting this on a pedestal too because I get excited every time they get bounced. But I don't, like, that last night was like, you know, we all stood up, shook hands, and was like, all right, see you later. It was never in doubt.

They rolled over and died. Nothing but a whimper. I felt bad for the viewers last night. Right. It was like, there's not even much to do here. No theater, no pageantry, no nothing. Just fucking simple, a simple shit kicking. And I saw, you know, Marty's video pregame last night. We are the New York Yankees. Garrett Cole's going to shove it in the middle. And I get, you know, Marty's video pregame last night. We are the New York Yankees.

Garrett Cole's going to shove it in the middle. And I get it all, but at what point does that stop? Like, you know what was actually, as we made fun of him for it, but you know who was dead right and honest and real the whole time? It was Hubs. Oh, Hubs. Hubs and Jersey Jerry, who just bet against the Yankees. But Hubs was like, yeah, Garrett Cole's hurt and he's not good,

and, like, I hope we get four innings out of him they only got two he knew that the offense like all year tommy's been shitting on the team he canceled them three or four times he knew the offense wasn't good we joke about those guys being like you know they don't they don't look like yankee fans and shit that's the real the real yankee fan is a fan i actually i feel bad making fun of them for that too though because it like because it's become almost over the top at this point, where it's piling on, where it used to be the big fucking meet-ups with the gold chains, and now it's these guys.

But it is. Now it's guys you'd be thrilled to see in a dark alley. Well, right. Yeah, listen, no one's afraid of Hubs and fucking Tommy, but you also don't want to be... If we bump into them in the dark alley, all five of them, they go the other way. Yes.

We don't want any trouble, sir. But you don't want to be the gold chain gobble gool goombots either. So it's not the worst thing in the world. No, but it was part of the lore. But there was an intimidation factor that's not there anymore. But there shouldn't be. That's my point. There should not be an intimidation factor anymore.

It's, you know what, when people from now on say, we're the New York Yankees, that means that you're like a wild card team who's going to have a 90-win season. You show up to a party you shouldn't be at with a boombox, and you go home, you carry that boombox home with a stereo off. Yeah, they're like the guy who was hot in high school and then got fat and peaked in high school. He's the guy who peaked in high school. And they think they're still hot as shit, and it's like, no, bro.

They're the children of the guy who peaked in high school. It's even worse. And that's the guy who's going, my dad's going to sue you. My dad owns this fucking place. Not even sue you because his dad's a loser. He's not a lawyer. He didn't pass the bar. His dad tried to pass the bar, failed.

Got a DUI on the way home. He's in jail. Now he's been living fucking just, he's angry. Just sad, just fucking. No, he picks up little Craigslist work here and there where he can. He's a handyman. But most people don't like him around because he's a real terror. Got a couple bad habits.

Oh, God. He still smokes cigarettes in 2021. Meth can be a good time occasionally. Just the cigs. A cigarette? Oh, my. Maybe he's got a trigonomy hole in his hand. Yeah, yeah.

He answers the door in his underpants. He's got skin tags. Oh, gracious does he. Disgusting. His toenails, you hear them clackle on the ground.'s just like my dad it's like that's my dad in the robe leave him alone he's got holes in the underpants too and he scratches his butt when he talks what can i help you with that's when people say we're the new york yankees if you're one of the people we just described please make a video of yourself in your trailer and we will that'll be the new new york yankees but you know like i i think i'm kind of i celebrate every year i think i might be

done so it's not it's silly it's like do i also celebrate every year that like like i said the mariners don't make the like the the world you know it's just not i i felt bad last night because it is it's almost like uh feels like it was a tom and jerry cartoon where the cat would just hold the rat and the rat punch and never catch the little rats and there because it is, it's almost like, it feels like it was a Tom and Jerry cartoon where the cat would just hold the rat and the rat would punch. And never catch the rat. And there's little rats and there's a cat and it's like, and I could tell, Hubs, God bless him, like, Hubs was angry. Hubs was a little snappy at Dave. Oh, yeah.

He was like, what am I supposed, yeah, I watched 162 games. Yeah. Dave was trying to knock Hubs for watching the games. He was like, I work at a fucking sports blog. I watch the games, Dave. It was tough to see because it was like we walked in just expecting that to happen. And it did. Because it is now. You know what?

You guys did, and I commend you guys. The Rocket is always confident because, you know, you've seen it time and time again. You guys were cool, calm, and collected. I still, from my battered, beaten-down childhood, I still – I'm not afraid of that team, but I'm just like – I just want them to lose. I just like – I want them to lose because I don't want them to go on some magical Yankee run

that I once saw when I was fucking 12. And so I always stay quiet and reserved. But you guys – I mean, that stream, people were talking Patriots. People were talking about peanut butter cups. We went up 2-0 in the first inning. Mine was a little bit of 100-0. It was never close after that.

At one point, it was like – They kept saying, it's only 3-0. I'm like, does it feel like that? It felt like 100. Does it feel like that? I agree. But at one point, it was like 3-1, and nobody was even paying attention to the stream. And it was like the seventh inning, and I even turned to TJ, and I was like, you know,

I don't – like, people are – you know, this game's not over yet. Like, we need to focus again. I was telling Coley and Jared, like, two know, I don't – like people are – this game is not over yet. Like we need to focus again. I was telling Coley and Jared, like two strikes, you need to stand up, keep your superstitions going. And then I was like, no, we don't need to worry about any of this. We don't need – you don't need to worry anymore. And so – and also to Yankee fans, to the people who say like it's so sad, it's so pathetic, that this is how you get your, like, happiness in sports, you root for a team to win. I root for a team to lose.

They lost. It happened. My thing happened. I'm happy. I walk away from October baseball happy every single year now. You don't. You want to say it's sad or pathetic. It's like maybe one day the Mets will win, and then I'll be really, really happy.

But right now, every October, you walk away upset. I walk away happy. It's actually the opposite of sad. It's quite enjoyable. Pop champagne. If it's 21 out of 22. If that's what gets you joy, it gets you joy, it gets you joy. Can you imagine?

Because guess what? I've fucking been a fan of the team that everyone roots against, and I never once did what Yankee fans do. What's that? Where it's just like, oh, all you do is live to root against the Patriots. Yeah, it's like, you should get it. They're like, I've rooted for that team for 20 years. They said to me, it's bizarre.

Never once said that. It's bizarre. I don't understand it. What don't you fucking understand? You used to win, and you were loudmouth assholes about it. Now you lose, and we make fun of you for it. What's hard to understand, you fucking dummies? We have to get into some voicemails.

We're going to get into a segment where we hopefully mercilessly make fun of Jackie. But before we do any of that, we got to talk about Kidney Person. Real quick, just a little breaking news. Second announcement featuring us is coming shortly. I gave them an earful. They also spelled a bunch of people's names wrong, so they were sloppy. Yeah, okay. Never mind.

Fuck that. Hey, stick it to the New York Comedy Festival and buy our tickets to the not New York Comedy Festival. We are appearing at the not New York Comedy Festival. The NNYCCF.

Let's go. It's one of one. We're act one of one. The act on stage after us, they're in the New York Comedy Festival. The homeless people on stage trying to do circus tricks, they're not. Before we get into M.I.A.S.S.O., we got to get into Kidney Person, which is a story that is sweeping through artsy Twitter, writer Twitter, and now breaking into the mainstream. When did you first see it?

You said yesterday you listened to it, right? No, no, this morning. Oh, okay. Yeah, it came out yesterday, but I was listening to it this morning. Kate put me onto it. She was like, I know you're going to hate these people. Here you go. And she was right. See, I saw it last night, right before quietly dozing

off happily, getting ready for the Rays tomorrow, today, I guess, if you're listening to this. And I was like, it was one of those where it was like, I opened it, and because our girl Erin Ryan had tweeted about it, and then I saw someone else tweet about it. I was like, all right, I've got to research this. So I just put in kidney person, and it immediately popped up. And I was like, this is, it was. This is like some homework. I guess it's a new thing in articles

I know there was an article I read about on 9-11 about this family who like found their sons like I think it was in the Atlantic

it was like what 9-11 did to one family and it was it was fucked up it was like two and a half hours for them to read the article yeah I clicked that too

because I was driving in the car and it said 1-0-4 I thought it was one minute and four seconds it was going to be like a blurb it was an hour and four minutes and I started listening to it like a blurb. It was an hour and four minutes. And I started listening to it, and I was like, this person's reading too slow.

I need to read this myself. Bro, I listened on the way in. It's still a 45-minute read. It's a good read. It's a lot. We probably could have condensed it a little bit, to be honest. But it's brought to you by HelloFresh.

I'm going to see something right now. I'm opening up the copy. I want to see what the deal is today. Because, yep, all right, it's good. Because I know that they were giving out 14 free meals on other shows. I said I want to make sure KFC Radio, which is at the Not New York Comedy Festival, also gets 14 free meals as well. Tom and Bert and Two Bears and all those guys are doing 14.

We get 14 too. You can get 14 free meals delivered to your house which is actually two meals so it's 28 meals and it's it's a month's worth of dollars worth of dollars worth of food basically uh from the number one meal kit company in america where they have all the ingredients mailed right to you in a box that has ice packs and everything is fresh it's sealed it's easiest all the ingredients we do every single time. We're done. It's hands down the easiest. Anybody who's spending too much money on delivery,

anybody who feels bad about themselves that they don't know how to cook or they're not self-sustaining. Anyone who spends too much time on the internet. Anybody who goes grocery shopping, buys all this shit, and then throws it all out. 45% cheaper than just getting it here.

Absolutely. Anybody who has too many leftovers, it always goes rotten. This is perfect. It has the right amount of food for a single person or two people or a four family. All of the ingredients are prepackaged, so you don't even really have to know how to cook. You just pour everything in.

There's a little recipe card that tells you how to do it. The menu is a wide array of food. And like I said, the best part is 14 free meals when you go to HelloFresh.com slash KFC14. Plus free shipping, which is a lot because you're getting a box of a lot of fucking food and ingredients. So that actually costs a lot of money if you were to pay for the shipping. But nope. When you go to HelloFresh.com slash KFC14, then use code KFC14, you get those 14 free meals. It's America's number one meal kit.

Feidelberg uses it every single day. I got one pan Santa Fe pork tacos coming, salmon and creamy Dijon chive sauce. Actually, my next one's chicken and Dijon sauce. Maybe a little too much Dijon sauce next week if we're being honest. We're going to lose the chicken and Dijon sauce. You know what you can do? You can customize it.

You can get rid of that. Yep, I'm getting a Bavette steak and sherry shallot sauce with green beans and mashed potatoes. Yeah, that's what we're going to do. Thank you very much. They got it all from like fancy meals like that. Sometimes it's like tacos and burgers. Also chicken dishes, seafood. They got vegetarian. I made the tacos for lunch today. They've got it all, man.

So HelloFresh.com. It's 30% cheaper than grocery stores. It's easy. It's fresh and you can get 14 free meals. HelloFresh.com slash KFC14. Code KFC14. Kidney person is a tale. I'm going to try to condense it as much as I can. ItFresh.com slash KFC14. Code KFC14. Kidney person is a tale. I'm going to try to condense it as much as I can. It's tough.

It is convoluted. But I'll do my best here. So this woman decides she wants to donate a kidney. Right off the bat, this is insanity. She donates a kidney. She's a bad person. To the ether. Right away?

To nobody. It's not like she has a sibling, a parent, a child who needs – who's a match. She just said, take my kidney in case somebody matches and needs it. If you've ever done that, if you've ever donated a kidney – For no reason. For no reason, you're a terrible person. You're doing it for yourself. You're an absolute scumbag.

Somebody – I said that. I said everyone – Scumbag. I said everyone involved in this story is the worst people alive. And someone said anybody who donates a kidney can't be the worst person alive. Yes. No, you absolutely can. And she proved it.

Look, obviously if you donate an organ to – let's not limit it to kidney. Any organ. Any organ. If you donate an organ to someone you know, someone you love, obviously very self-executive, very nice. You don't know who's getting – you might have just saved a white supremacist. Sure. You might have just saved a horrible, horrible racist. You could have just saved the next Adolf Hitler.

You didn't even ask to meet the person. We're going to read a textbook fucking 30, 40 years from now when this genocidal maniac... The book says he actually almost died when he was 18. But Don saved his life. A random kidney was floating out in the fucking market for some of you. Scumbag! So she not only does this because she said that she had some trauma when she was a child

and that she actually connected with strangers better than people she knew, a.k.a. I don't have any fucking friends. So then she donates this kidney. She is also a writer. Everyone in this story is a writer. Now, that's important, because we're talking like capital W. Like, you and I, for a time, we were writers, but we weren't writers. But we were fucking bit more writers than Don was!

Absolutely, we're better writers, but these people, the people who identify as writers... Don, this whole article, they're fucking talking about this place Grub Street. Grub Street and Tunky Monkeys. Like fucking Grub Street is, I don't know, whatever place Shakespeare wrote at. I don't know where writers congregate, but Grub Street sounds like a restaurant where you guys met

and had some fucking salads and talked about writing. I thought at first it was a grub hub. It might be, I don't know. I know. They talk about this little collective of thought at first it was a grubhub. It might be. I don't know. I know. They talk about this little collective of writers as if it was like the old haunt where Hemingway and J.D. Salinger and all these people met up and drank. It was a

fucking online blog that nobody read and this chick ends up sending out emails and connecting to people because she wasn't getting enough attention and credit for donating her kidney. She was saying, I thought you guys run this empathetic, inclusive network and website and crew club, but yet none of you have remarked about my overly generous, incredible move

that I donated. At one point, Don, what was the other? Sonia, I think. Sonia. It was Larson and Dawson Larson and Dawson Yeah yeah yeah So at one point Don

Dawson I just said kidney person And the other girl Kidney person and the other girl Kidney person Emails the other girl And says Did you hear about the kidney

I donated Last year She goes She goes Also the way she worded it Like You heard that I donated a kidney, right? And then that girl's first forced to write back.

Like, yes, I did. How selfless of you. And that's like really nice. And she goes on to be like, no one's giving me credit for my incredibly selfless act. Now, by the way, let's also make note of this. This woman, kidney person, she's the one who pitched this idea. Right. So she is so delusional and so fucking psychotic and so evil that she thought the world,

and so narcissistic, if I may say, that she thought the world will be on my side. I have to let everyone know. She pitches for years, John. This all happened in like 2016, 17, 18. 15, I think it started. She's been pitching this article and this story to let everyone know. For years, John, this all happened in like 2016, 17, 18. 15, I think it started. She's been pitching this article and this story to people for years. Finally, the New York Times runs with it, and she thought it was going to be like, I am Dawn the fucking medical Marvel hero, and instead you're just kidney person.

Kidney person. And the whole fucking internet hates you. Let's say it together. And what, Kevin? One, two, three, cut! I don't know where we're going at. Let's do that again. Ready, Kevin? One, two, three, cut!

That's what you are, kidney person. You are a kidney cunt. Now, she is undoubtedly the villain and the worst person in this story. The other chick ain't great. She ain't great, but I side with her very strongly. Very strongly.

Because it's a situation we sometimes find, at least myself, I'll say ourselves in. And it's a little comparable. It's a little different as well. And I have people who sometimes get upset when I share stories on this podcast. Be they friends, family members, all that stuff. I'm pretty good with where it's like, I'll change a name, I'll change a relationship. I'll do things, but I want to tell the story because it's also my story.

It happened to you. I'm involved in the story. This person's not so much involved in the story. She kind of just takes it. But the stories I tell, they're also my I was there too, it's also my story It's like sharing a sex tape, I was in it too So this chick

She is a writer as well She ends up writing a short story About a woman Who donates a kidney Amongst other things The writer is an Asian American woman so part of the story was about being mixed race. Jin Tao, which sounds like

Jin Tao from Shout Out Rush Hour. Shout Out one of the more problematic movies ever. Shout Out. That was just like, let's get a Chinaman and a black guy and have them do racial tropes all night long. They just yell at each other about racist shit. So she writes this short story that's about mixed race and alcoholism,

amongst other things, but primarily it's about a girl who donates a kidney. Also – And is a white savior. Right. Ends up taking pretty much directly a letter that kidney person wrote to her and putting it in her short story. She did the classic, like, college kid, like, tweaked, like, one or two...

She opened up Thesaurus.com. She changed, like, three or four words, if that, and runs this whole fucking letter as is. At one point, yeah, wrote the... It was just the letter. Verbatim. Yeah. Verbatim.

The part about, I grew up with trauma in my life and all that shit. Now... What a bitch. Kidney Person sees this. And now, important to note, Kidney Person is a writer. She's a teacher. She's not a writer. She's a failed writer. Other chick is

getting published. She's becoming something in the writing world. Again, all pretty much failures, but whatever. This story gets chosen to be a free story that's distributed to the entire city of Boston. So everyone in Boston was going to read free story that's distributed to the entire city of Boston. So everyone in Boston was going to read this story

that included kidney donors, kidney persons. Kidney person's letter. Kidney person goes on this crusade to be like, this is plagiarism. She tracks down the company One City One Story. She tracks down the Boston Globe,

the Vermont writing group. She was in everything this girl's ever done to be like, what do you think about plagiarism? Because this girl plagiarized my story. She ends up lawyering up. And I guess this lawyer thinks that she has a case. So they end up suing the girl who wrote the story. And I guess basically winning.

Because now... Not really, though. She didn't win. But if the girl – so the story blows up and she eventually wants to include it in what's going to be like a book, I believe, of short stories. And the lawsuit basically says if you publish this book, you owe me $180,000. And so she's not running with it. It got kind of like blackballed. Oh, I kind of forgot about that.

But I was focused on the one city, one story being like it's not of like blackballed oh I kind of forgot about that but I was focused on the one city one story being like it's not worth it yeah because because this fucking bitch kidney person was hounding people being like

if you run this then you're like complicit and we're gonna sue you by the way the whole time she was asking for like 10 grand I know I know

but it was more at the point and that's cause I hate this woman so much I'll pay it you know what I said did a fucking other person reach out to me

I'll pay the 10 grand to get this fucking story out of here. Don't reach out to me. If there's the $180,000 penalty, she should put this book on sale now, make a boatload of cash, and just pay the fine. Oh, right now? Yeah. Bro, I must

read the story. I must read the story. I mean, this might be an elaborate hoax. This might be, I got my fucking tinfoil. Yeah. A little fucking backdoor agreement. A little split-seas on this. Blow this thing up in New York Times.

I'll be kidney person. You be the marginalized Asian-American writer, and we'll make money. I'll be the white savior. Which, by the way, I don't ever want to disparage white savior syndrome, because I have it pretty big. Everything nice I do for a minority i'd like attention for please thank you very much so at the end i want a full front page article if i hold the door open yeah this like let alone fucking big fucking deal you donated a kidney you loser did you hear about the one time that i uh you know i yeah i held the door i gave five

bucks to a homeless guy because he said he liked my shoes. Yeah, I'd like an article on that, please. Thank you. So at the end of the day, I think, oh, and the best part is kidney person in her never-ending legal crusade to stop this story but also just slander the writer. And just, you know, this is not about the money and shit. This is about you felt slighted. She's better than you. She succeeded more than you.

She didn't give you credit for your big display, and you want to tear her down. That's what this is about. She subpoenas all of the text messages and emails from the writer crew because she wants to find evidence of plagiarism, and all she finds is evidence of group texts, emails, chats, DMs saying, this dumb bitch who donated a kidney won't shut the fuck up.

Everybody hates the shit at a kidney person. And all of the emails are like, did you see she posted on Facebook again? What a fucking asshole. It's just endless shit talking. Everybody bashing this girl. Hundreds of pages, I believe it said. It's just endless shit talking. Everybody bashing this girl. Hundreds of pages, I believe it said. Hundreds of pages of text messages. You know how many pages a text message takes up?

Zero. Nothing. Hundreds of pages of text messages of your friends, your colleagues, smoking you. If I picked the most gossiped about person at Barstool or my social life or my high school and i compiled all of the shit talk it would be like i don't know a page like hundreds of pages of everyone just being like fuck this dumb bitch is amazing so she thinks she's gonna win this lawsuit she thinks she's gonna be some hero in the writing community stopping plagiarism she thinks she's

gonna be like let's also be realistic donator and instead all it ends up is that you're kidney person and you know that everyone you thought was your friend you delusional dumbass actually hates your fucking guts the lack of self-awareness to think that all these people were your friends that they were going to praise you and love you and shower you with compliments and not just write stories being like, fuck this chick. No one has ever been more socially uncalibrated in their whole fucking lives. Why? And it seems like she read every page, too. Oh.

Like, this is where kind of my thing comes in. Like, why would you want to know how much everyone hates you? Just be blissfully unaware. Because, you know what what i don't think she thought it was gonna happen and then when it did i think she was like so hell-bent on finding like now i'm gonna take that all years i gotta read through every fucking thing and all it was was just endless mountains of people being like fuck you like i i i don't want to joke about this it's a very serious subject matter i don't understand how this woman doesn't kill herself. Everyone in your life despises you.

You're a failure at your career. What are you doing? Can I give you a step further? I don't know how this woman's husband doesn't kill himself. There is some poor bastard at home. If you're, which we didn't talk about when we were talking about donating the organs thing, it's one thing if you're older and you've kind of done your life and you're, which we didn't talk about when we were talking about the donating the organs thing, it's one thing if you're older and you've kind of done your life

and you're like, okay, but like to just donate your organ at early 30s, I think she's in her 30s now. Crazy. So if it was happening in 2015, she had to,

at latest, been early 30s. Yep. So now, I believe she has a child, irresponsible to your child to give away a kidney because guess who needs

a fucking kidney? One of your kidneys is a kidney. Bad person. Scumbag. Absolutely. She's a scumbag. She's a child. Irresponsible to your child to give away a kidney. Because guess who needs a fucking kidney? One of your kidneys needs a kidney. Bad person. Scumbag. She's a scumbag. She's an asshole. She's a scumbag. And then there's Mr. Kidney Person, married to her, who you know.

Well, maybe not, because he might be a dickhead hipster writer, too. But what we've learned here is that every artist is an asshole. Yes, for sure. Every person is an asshole. I don't want to offend the artist. If he has a shred of normalcy in him, you know he's like, oh my god, my fucking wife is that dumb kidney person bitch. But she comes home and she's like, babe, did you see what Sonia wrote? And he's like, ah, that dumb bitch.

She's a plagiarizing piece of shit. My wife sucks so fucking much. You know that he's got to have her back and he doesn't want to have her back. It's if he's normal at all. Who knows? He's probably... You know what it was? She came home every day for like a fucking year and he had to suck her dick over the kidney

donation. He was probably the one like, would some of you bitches give her some love because I'm sick of fucking doing it. You think he has her back? Is that him? Yeah. Look at him. He sucks.

He's a fucking dog. With his fucking pink pitbull and a pink sweater. Get out of here. He sucks. I don't get people who have people's backs. It doesn't make sense to me. They're probably lying to you. Yeah, well, they definitely are.

So when you hear stories from your wife about this or from other, like, you're like, well, they're probably lying and they're probably lying. So, it's somewhere in the middle. And I don't know. We're all both going to die. So, it gives a shit. To not, let me just say this. I've preached for years now that self-awareness is the most important trait you can have. To think it's normal to randomly donate a kidney to absolutely nobody.

And then think. And march in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade about it, I believe. And then think that everyone else is wrong and weird because they're not praising you. Like, if you do something and it flops. That's what she did. She did something and it flopped. And the whole world just goes, okay. And you're, you think the whole world's wrong?

You're wrong. You made a high stakes bet. And guess what? They hit on the river. And yeah. And like you went, you did something extremely weird. You know? Like if you donated it to your fucking family member and people like didn't, actually, I

don't even know people you need to this this donation praise thing is fucking weird but the bottom line is in life if you do anything you make a big play and there's no reaction you swing and a miss you you you gauged it wrong people don't fucking care it's not they're not wrong you're wrong yeah if you think you're in the new york comedy festival and then you're just not, you fucked up. John, there are fucking... Took him at Golgafor. It's one of those situations. John, there are urban legend horror stories about people getting their kidneys taken out for no reason.

End up in a fucking ice bath. She just willingly did that. She willingly turned herself into one of those people. Yeah. And then wanted a fucking blowjob for it. Well, once again, I want to be careful where we disparage her and what for. I'd like all the good attention, please. Anytime I do anything, I would.

But look at this. She has a t-shirt. I donated my kidney and all I got was this t-shirt. Or did I? I don't even know what the fuck. What does that even mean? It's like, yo, listen. If nobody gives a fuck about what you did, then nobody gives a fuck about what you did.

Bro, how has this man not locked his Instagram? Yeah, that is crazy. What are you? Oh, yeah. Look at this guy. Nuts. This guy. Bro, you just got your life on the internet right now when everyone hates living.

Oh, you fucking bitch. She's got her whole fucking line of clothes living donor. Dude, do they make dead donor shirts? What the fuck? Dude, I can't even imagine. Imagine the first time this idea came up. Hey, honey, let's role play, John. I'll be the dumb bitch.

Hey, honey, I got an idea. I'm going to donate my kidney. Why? Because somebody might need it. Who? Well, a stranger. Somebody out there might need a kidney. What if that stranger raped somebody?

And planned to again well you know but i will have donated it what if that stranger likes kiddie porn um i will have donated my kidney though but that just gives them a longer lifetime to watch kiddie porn but also what i did was so selfless yeah but you also just gave them more time to abduct children and rape them but i'm a but i'm a living donor and that's great for you but bad for the kids sorry you are aware that we're living in a pandemic, and behavior like this makes people think that you have a plague. I got tested yesterday. Go get tested again.

Shit on the fucking... Christ on the cross. So how much of that do you think is going to make it in there? You're not going to tell us you got... Definitely give me five minutes on that. I was going to do an ad right now. I will say, though, I mean, just to be clear, everyone in the story is an asshole. Everyone in the story is an asshole.

But this person, she's downright deranged and dangerous now. Because she still listens to everything. She watches everything. She just dons a stalker. Now, let me also just clear something up here because I had them delete their posts, and they're putting up a new one with your name on it. Just fucking leave it. We're going to run with this not-

Yeah, we've already made it funny. Yeah. I went right back. Leave it. Take us off. Kate sent me the Twitter of, so there's one key friend who actually I think wrote Big Little Fires. Yeah.

Caroline or Catherine NG. Celeste. Celeste NG. It's pronounced ing. Ing. Because if you looked at her Twitter account, you dumb fucking cis white male. Her Twitter ad is pronounced ing. You fucking. change how it's spelled? That's white supremacist

talk. Bro, my name is Feidelberg. I can say whatever the fuck I want about last names. No one in my life has ever cared to figure out how to pronounce that, including my boss. Oh, and let me just say this. The title of the article is, Am I the Bad Art Friend?

Art Friend, yes. So anybody who is an art friend or uses the phrase art friend or even the writer of this article, thank you for giving us this, but also you're an asshole because art friends need to be eradicated from the planet. No. Genocidal homies. First of all, the writer didn't come up with this headline. That's the editor. Second of all.

I think it was the dumb bitch. I think she said, am I the bad art friend? Oh, yeah, and they were like, and the editor, good editor, shout out New York Times, went, oh boy, that's a cutsy phrase that's going to get clicks. Do I have a fucking headline for this dumb bitch? So Celeste, who was like the best friend of the other girl, and in this little cunty fucking writer's group,

she cleared up saying... We got offensive in this segment. I want to take that back because I don't have a problem with Celeste. Celeste is cool. Yeah, I'm down with Celeste. I said Celeste, if you got it capped at 10k i'll pay it i'm getting sick of clarifying the same things number one capped dawn kidney bitch uh pitched this article to the new york times herself so anybody who's like oh we're we're like bullying dawn now

it's like well fucking she brought this upon herself two she was not a part of our writing group or friend group i met would be cool with that. To be like, she's not even in our writing group is a little bit like... She's going to hang out at the restaurant with us. Right, yeah, that's what it means. The cafe. Yeah, you don't have coffee with us while we talk about our unemployment fucking checks. Grub Street.

Get out of town, Grub Street. Three. People get catty in group texts and emails. dawn was not and never had been in this group she subpoenaed them to see that what we said and then we gave them to new york town so that's basically being like i know we were being assholes in the group no they're not being assholes but no but i mean they were talking behind someone's back like good adults right that's what she said she's like i know what i said and she goes you're allowed to feel how you want about what Sonya, other girl, did, and what Dawn did, the catty emails, and for sure what I said, but I stand by it.

But get your facts straight. Yeah, she was basically being like, yeah, we said some fucking rude things about this chick that we don't like, but we said them in our group text in the comfort of our own fucking phones. If you weren't supposed to see it, it's not rude. You literally brought the legal system into this in order to see people going, damn, bit of a bitch. That girl sucks. They didn't sabotage her.

They didn't go out of their way. They just said their opinion about this girl in a private manner that she then made public to herself. What people say about you behind your back is none of your business. Not your business. None of it. None of it. She went through, literally paid lawyer fees to find out how her friends were talking shit about her. And then found out her friends talk shit about her because she doesn't shut the fuck up about being a living donor.

She had to know this was coming. She had a hashtag. What was it? Do more. And I think the other girl, the regular one, I think she said, like, what am I supposed to do? Give an organ? Right. That's crazy.

That's what crazy people do. I'm not a shit person. I'm not trying to save evil people. You know what I would do? I would get so fucking petty. I'd show up on her front step with my fucking kidney and be like, here you go, you dumb bitch. I would want to put a kidney back in her to be like, now you got two kidneys. Shut the fuck up.

Now you can't even be the bitch be like, now you got two kidneys. Shut the fuck up. Now you can't even be the bitch with one kidney. You got two now. She's going to wake up in an ice bath with a kidney donated to her. I'm going to hire someone to kidnap her in Mexico and shove a kidney in her. I woke up in a tub with two kidneys. My life as

a living donor is ruined. Hello. Hello, Don. It is kind of sick, though. Like, don't you wish you could be, like, because, can you find me the other woman's name? Sonia Larson. Oh, Sonia, right. Sonia Larson.

Okay. I got to commend Sonia because it's, to be successful, which she seems to be, Sonia seems to be a successful writer, to have the ability to motherfuck your colleagues, we'll call it because they're not friends, to motherfuck your colleagues. And I guess we kind of live in this world. She writes fucking fictional books that are about real people and what fucking assholes they are.

And she gets paid for it. That's beautiful stuff. It really is. That's beautiful stuff. It really is. That's beautiful stuff. I mean, that's like Snakey T. to make it. That's the American dream right there. And I forget how 100% on Sonya's side I am. I'm on Sonya's side.

It is the... She hates us. I mean, we're white males. We are the devil to her, but whatever. For sure. I mean, if she listens to this segment, boy, oh boy, is she going to get a new book out of it. But the idea that, like, because it is, like, she's not writing.

It's not the literal story of what happened to her. Something happened to her, and then that inspired, in Sonia's mind, a whole new story. But very, very heavily inspired. Sure. But whatever. Right. She wrote a story about a woman who, a whole new story. But very, very heavily inspired. Sure, but whatever. She wrote a story about a woman who donated a kidney to nobody. But that's... This fucking... He doesn't own that.

Other psychopaths have done that. There's definitely many people who have donated a kidney to nobody. To nobody? Dawn is not some trailblazer. She doesn't have the gall or the audacity for that. They did say that there is this list That people do it

But it's new to me There's a reason why I fucking Hate her And it's because I just found out that people donate kidneys To the fucking, to the abyss But like I honestly think I just knew that I'm pretty sure I heard of that

I think I don't fucking know. No, I always thought you donate to a person, or if you get hit by a car and you're a donor on your card, it goes to a random stranger. But at no level does Dawn own that story. But she does own the letter. That's where they fucked up. She should have just changed the letter.

Yeah, right. You know? You could just rearrange. But sometimes when someone says something so perfectly. You just want to steal it? I told a story once that got someone mad, and I used exactly their line. And I forget what it was. Yes.

Oh, it was, I hate you more than you hate you, which I didn't think was possible. And it's like, I can't change that. That's perfect. It's perfect. That's a great line. I had to use it. No, I'm with you. You'll never forget that. That's perfect. Perfect. That's a great line. I had to use it. No, I'm with you, but – You'll never forget that one too.

That's fucking well-worded. Damn it. The thing is though, that's plagiarism. Like when someone writes something so good that I just write it too? Well, I attributed that one, but I do see what you're saying. She should have just said that at the end. At the end of the story, like this whole thing is about some dumb bitch I know. I guess like that one sense.

That's all she had to do. But also, like, fucking plagiarism could suck my dick. Yeah. Unless you're fucking copying the entire story. Like, would T-Trip be like, this is plagiarism because they ran it through some fucking system and I had the same sentence from a Wikipedia article. It's a seven-page paper. I'm not a plagiarist. And also, you know, if you step up there.

That's not plagiarism. That's not. As a former writer, not plagiarism. As a creative writing major, you know, if you step up there being like four score and seven, it's like, no, come on. But if it's like regular talk that, you know, like this person, this article, like... I could have written that. I didn't feel like it was easy to copy and paste. Work harder, not...

Work smarter, not harder. Right. You know? I could have written something, but I just took a blanket. Plagiarism is if you fucking write a whole book and you just turn in that book. Like, if I wrote The Art of War,

that's plagiarism. We should do that. The Art of War by Feidelberg. It's just Sun Tzu's. Yeah, that would be amazing. Like, look what I wrote The Art of War, that's plagiarism. We should do that. The Art of War by Feidelberg. It's just Sun Tzu's. Yeah, that would be amazing. Look what I wrote. And just to get away with it. And then someone cancels it and is like, this is plagiarism.

And you're like, okay, fine. But the headline being like, Barstool Sports Blogger writes The Art of War. Didn't we find out on Barstool Confessions, can't we just like rewrite the Bible and then pretty much the exact same and change a few words and then sell it? Like, haven't a bunch of people

done that? I forget. I remember Chaps saying that and us being like, yeah, we're going to do it and then we totally forgot about it

at the end of the day. you know, just like taking fucking t-shirt pictures and slapping it on fucking t-shirts and sell them. I don't know,

whatever. It's not plagiarism. It's all fine until someone has a lawyer. Exactly. When you get the season to cease, then. Whatever. That's not plagiarism. It's all fine until someone has a lawyer. Exactly. When you get the season to assist, then you stop.

That's where Sonya's fucking wrong. At the end of the day, everyone's the fucking By the way, you know what? Speaking of those t-shirts, one thing that's unfortunate of the Schwartzy t-shirts,

I feel like is what we're talking about here. We've gotten big enough to the point where people get mad when you do like funny little things like that. I know.

Like, they weren't mad that I put Schwartzy on a t-shirt. They were mad that, like, Schwartzy wasn't getting a cut. Yes. It's like, he's making money. Look, she is getting, yeah, Schwartzy, legend, Ashland. She, we sold, like, 15 of those shirts. Yeah, I promise you. You want me to give Schwartzy.

Like, $375. Not even that much. You want me to give Schwartzy $375? Not even that. You want me to give Schwartzy 60 bucks? I got no problem doing it. But I'm aware of what shirts are going to be big shirts and what shirts are going to be

goofy little shirts that I make for a joke. It's a goofy shirt. I was aware Schwartzy wasn't getting fucking wasn't retiring. I almost

Schwartzy should have had a link with like it should have been live on the site but with no ability to put your credit card information in like no one's actually buying this alright let's do

we're gonna do M.I. the Asshole that was just one gigantic the most like the most M.I. the Asshole we'll do M.I. the Asshole in a minute voicemails but first we've got to make fun of Jackie making fun of Jackie it says tail as old as time it's a classic it's just like Cuts clothing

as we put up a picture of that fellow there look at that you know he would like to wear some Cuts clothing he needs a t-shirt that fits right he needs a t-shirt

with a classic look and so yeah see this is the problem with you this is the problem with you you're gonna wear that right now no I couldn't wear that

but for MJ you'll wear that in six months no no no we'll find out we'll wear that in six months. No. No. Well, we don't know.

We'll find out. We'll find out in a second. Cuts Clothing. Cuts Clothing is a classic menswear company that has T-shirts, hoodies, monochrome. Is that what it's called? Monochromatic. Monochromatic look. You get a navy shirt, a black shirt, a white shirt, a gray shirt, a tan shirt. You can get them in a crew neck.

You can get them in a V-neck. You can get them in a Henley with the buttons. You can get the split hem at the bottom. You can get the scoop cut, the elongated cut. All the different sizes, all the different cuts and styles. So it's a little bit trendy, a little bit more fashionable, but it's a classic look. Tail as old as time. A fresh, clean tee.

Fresh, clean hoodie, long-s long sleeve tee, nothing on it. It's going to match all your pants. It's going to match all your shoes. It's going to match all your outfits. You can dress it up. You can dress it down. You can go to work. You can go on a date. You can hang out on the couch. You can wear it at the gym. Whatever you want. You're going to look sharp, especially if you work out. It makes everybody's arms look big, but if you are in total shape, you look

fucking awesome. Our boy Nicky Cass is always working out. He puts on Cuts clothing. He looks like a fucking Avenger. It's crazy. So go to cutsclothing.com slash KFC. And right now when you get your first order, you get 15% off when you go to – sorry, Clancy. Go to cutsclothing.com slash Clancy and get 15% off your first order. So load them all up, all the different colors, all the different styles.

It's cutsclothing.com slash clancy for 15% off the only shirt worth wearing. Today's people Jackie should know but probably won't know segment. Let's get into it. So, Jackie, we're going to show you pictures of people from – this is kind of like from the BFFs. They've done this kind of thing. There's absolutely nothing that I want to do less than this right now. Really? Are you actually embarrassed by this?

I would be like, whatever. Not actually, but I'm just worried that the first one, I feel like I'm going to give an answer. And I wasn't embarrassed until I saw the first one. Okay, well, let's go. Number one on the list. That is... Start off. Do you think he's...

Do you think he's an athlete, a singer, an entertainer, a politician? That's Michael... Michael Jordan? Yeah! That's what I thought. That's what I thought, but then I said that to Bites right before, and then he gave me like a look like I was an idiot.

I honestly didn't even know what you said. Okay, okay, okay, okay. All right, now you're good. We're on the roll. Oh, Jackie. When Jackie gets the hands going, she starts doing this thing, then you know like she's ready. Number two on the list.

Just don't punch the table. Sorry, I won't do that. Anyway. Next up. I'm ready. Oh, Prince. Nice. Okay.

Yep. That was. Nice. Yep. That was pretty good. Do you know any Prince songs? Yes. Good. I'm proud of you for that. Would you like to meet me? That's a good answer to the question.

You're on the stand. I said, do you know a Prince song? Specify next time. Next up. James Bond. I didn't even see it. Sorry. That is who? James Bond I didn't even see it Sorry That is who? James Bond

But that's James Bond is an official character I don't think she should know this one Why would I know this? I threw that in there Because I thought that was like a I think you're right I think if she knew that

That would have been like Yeah, it would have been like whoa That would have been cool if I knew that. It's not crazy to not know this one. Okay. Never would have guessed. I couldn't even ballpark who that was. Oh, John Lennon.

Nice. I honestly don't think I knew that one. Really? I knew it was a member of the Beatles, but I guess I probably would have guessed. They all look like scarecrows. Him and fucking, by the way, so on Reddit, a story about a kid who was bringing crows, like, I don't know, some sort of food, I think. And the crow brought him back a dime. Brought like an eight-year-old kid a dime.

Crows are wildly underrated. Crows are fucking fire, man. You know what else is underrated? What? Just real quick. Julia Child was a spy. What? Yeah.

I'm not kidding. She like started as a spy and then became a chef. Like didn't even know how to cook. No. Yeah. But at least there's a thing.

This sounds like some fucking Mr. Rogers was like, was Mr. Rogers the Navy SEAL who killed like 100 Nazis kind of deal? Yes, yes.

But I mean, there's an article on NBC News about this. So like, they either got got or... I've done like extensive Julia Child research. Hang on. Before we look up actual facts, you continue. Yeah.

Yeah, tell us more about this. What about, what about, what about like, how'd you get into the spy game? Oh, um, why don't... You just said you did, you've done – I believe your word was countless times. Ladies and gentlemen, I mean this is a real story. Really? I tell – you know what? What we're learning here from the past five minutes is that Jackie is smarter than we all think.

Let's see. I don't think Jackie is dumb, but I think Jackie is young. It says, yes, she did work for a premier intelligence agency, but Julia was a spy in the way that a school secretary is an educator. So, like, I don't think she was, like, a spy spy, but, yeah, like, Julia Child worked for the fucking intelligence agency. She made, like, shark repellent. Yes, that is true. So to anybody who ever thinks that they can't change their careers.

Julia Child helped develop shark repellent during World War II. What is shark? Like, to repel sharks? What do you fucking think of me, idiot? It's so clear that it can't possibly mean that. Julia Child's spy days included work on a shark repellent. That's literally a Batman joke. Like, one of the things that was most ridiculous from, like, the Adam West Batman, he had shark

repellent spray. This says she started as a, where did that go? I feel like they should sell that. Shark repellent? Yeah, we should all have that on your keychain. Like mace. In case you slip and fall into a big puddle. She started out as a typist.

I think she was a secretary. I can also help you develop shark repellent. This is great information. Next. Muhammad Ali. Bam! No. No? That's not a quick no? How about just describe Biggie Smalls

I'm even impressed you knew Biggie Smalls to say that That's also kind of like his second name Biggie, Notorious B.I.G, Biggie Smalls What was your first gut reaction when that first popped up? You were very confident CeeLo Green was my first

I wish you said that, that would have been amazing What was your first gut reaction when that first popped up? You were very confident. CeeLo Green was my first. I wish you said that. That would have been amazing. Old Blue Eyes. Old Blue Eyes. Born in Hoboken. That does nothing for me. He's a singer.

Frank Sinatra. Nice. I shouldn't. I knew that. No, but. One of these, he's wax, right? He always just looks like he's like. Bro, that one on the right is definitely a Madame Tussauds.

It looks like somebody just put a skin suit on him. Yes. That one on the left, that's some crime macho. That one's like a mannequin with skin laid over it. Yeah. Do you know who? Do you have a guess? Oh, no. He's an actor, mannequin with skin laid over it. Do you know who? Do you have a guess? He's an actor. You've interviewed his son.

You've interviewed a lot of people. Robert is what I'm... He looks like a Robert. Robert. Give me a last name. Downey. Downey? Senior? That is

Clint Eastwood. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Do you even know that name? What? Can you name a Clint Eastwood movie? Yeah. I got to learn how to ask these questions better. No.

No? Nothing? Wow, that's kind of like. It looks like. Isn't it California Girl? He looks like a guy who totally looks like a guy all the time. He looks like who's the guy Owen Wilson. He does look like Owen Wilson.

He's got a crooked nose. What do you think he does? What industry do you think he's in? Oh, Tony Hawk. Nice. It's almost more impressive to not know it at first and land the play. Yeah, right. Usually you know what you don't know.

She's 100%, right? Oh, no, yeah. She didn't know. Miss Clinton. Miss Clinton. I'll give her that. James Bond. My first reaction was...

Chris Rock. He looks like Industry Baby. Lil Nas X. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I thought she pointed to Zach. You know, gay one. Zach, now you want to fuck. Who's that gay guy? Maybe Big That's Eddie Murphy For her no any birth yet the shit in the line. Yeah, you're daddy daycare

Actually since that jacket's been alive. You ever seen Daddy Daycare? Oh, I have seen Daddy Daycare, actually. If they showed Eddie Murphy today, would you know that or no? Like a different picture. That was from him from like 1984. I asked him to delirious on purpose. No, I wouldn't have if we're being honest. He's the voice of Donkey in Shrek.

Yeah, like he did Nutty Professor and Dr. Doolittle and all that shit. Would you have known that? No, I haven't known that. Eddie Murphy. Oh, fuck. I forgot about that.

That's one of the pictures I want to have. This is cool. Eddie Murphy. It's actually probably pseudo problematic. Put Eddie Murphy eating dinner. Where he's eating dinner off the back of that model. Let's do it. Let's...

Yeah. This is... This is just a cool picture. He's in Paris, right? That is awesome. He was on top of the fucking world back then, dude. Alright, Am I the Asshole today is brought to you by

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The first one we got is hang on let me pull it up am i the asshole for using my theater voice in order to disturb my to scare my friend's annoying neighbor i've performed an amateur theater for over two nope not 200 years 200 years. That'd be crazy. That'd be a vampire. I have performed in amateur theater for over 20 years and can now project my voice quite a distance thanks to many of the roles I've had. This is important later.

Yeah, we fucking figured. The fucking headline is about annoying someone using a theater voice. Figured it came into play, Steve. Two weeks ago, I was staying at my friend's house overnight because I was helping them with renovations. And it was just easier to stay the night and finish the reno the next day than make two return trips.

Plus, his wife is a great cook. Okay. Fucking dickhead. They have told me many stories about their annoying neighbor across the road who complains when their kids are playing outside or that they don't like seeing so many cars parked on the street when my friends are hosting a dinner party. What the fuck? So, Sunday morning, that was a parenthetical.

So, Sunday morning, 7.15, there is rapping at the door, and I open it as I was making coffee. It is the old witch neighbor telling me that I have to move my work truck now, parked in front of my friend's house, because she has guests coming for lunch at 1130. Never being at my best this early on a Sunday, I go full King Lear

on her, raising myself up and giving her a death stare. Be gone, you feculent hag, and take your miserable and selfish behavior with you. She screamed and ran away. Pretty good burst of speed for a 66 year old lol.

I woke up, everyone in the house, the neighbor's dogs on both sides went crazy barking and a few people came out of their house to see what the hell was going on. I just waved and said sorry. My friend thought it was hilarious but his wife thinks I am the asshole

for waking up their kids and disturbing their neighborhood so early on a Sunday morning. So am I the asshole for scaring the old bat and waking up the neighborhood? They haven't heard from her since then. Of fucking course you're the asshole, you son of a bitch with a theater voice. If you have a theater voice, you are an asshole. That's the end of the discussion. There's nothing further I'll hear. No other arguments. Case closed.

If you have a theater voice, if you reference King Lear, if you say things such as, be gone, you feculent hag, whether or not Shakespeare himself wrote the prose, you feculent hag. Whether or not Shakespeare himself wrote the prose, you are an undeniable asshole.

You're a piece of shit. I hope you rot. I wish one day you die in that said yard and those dogs that you woke up early on a Sunday morning, fuck your dead corpse. Okay, besides the old English, how is this different from you yelling in a child's face what are you talking about that child was awake it's entirely different wait no this person is awake too no he yelled at the woman who came up he woke up all the kids

uh well okay waking someone up oh it's an asshole asshole move I thought you were saying I don't give a fuck about this old bitch I care about waking up the neighborhood Waking up the sleeping kids Fuck if I care about this lady She could die and get fucked by the dogs too I don't give a shit about this person I care about a person with a theater voice

I care about waking people up at 7.15 on a Sunday morning You should never wake a person up I don't care if there's a fire. I don't care if you are a fucking alarm clock. You should not wake people up at any time. It's fucking rude. Okay, I didn't catch the 7.15. I thought he was just yelling at the neighbor to fuck with the neighbor.

No, no. He just, yeah, they can both die in hell. I don't give a fuck about either of the people who are the main characters of the story. What I care about are the innocent bystanders who have been fucking their Sunday ruined. Ruined, I say. By someone with a fucking theater voice who says things like,

I went full King Lear. I'll go full Hamlet and put your head on a fucking stake. How about that, cunt? Can't really add to that. Is that actually what Hamlet did? What? Is that actually what Hamlet did?

Oh, yeah. I don't know if it's Hamlet. I think it is. I forget. Next Sam of the Asshole. Alright. I'll just say it's am I the asshole I my 25 year old male confused about my sexuality after my girlfriend 27 female got me to have a threesome with my best friend who's also 25 male um I've dated my girlfriend for almost two years and I moved into her place recently she knew I was a little bi-curious.

Okay, well, I guess you're not really that confused. It's hard to explain because I wasn't like I wanted to or needed to try it out, but more so like if the right situation arose, I'd explore if that makes sense. Knowing that she'd be pushing for slash asking for a threesome with another guy for some time has been a fantasy of hers. Or? Honestly, her pushing me. Or?

Honestly, her pushing me... Whore? Honestly, her... The gays. Tell you what. The biggest sluts on the planet. Pretty anti-slut. I get slut shame. You're a slut. You get slut shame.

Honestly, her pushing me made me more uncomfortable. Blah, blah, blah. I was okay with it. Maybe we could. First time after that talk when she's over – Jesus Christ. You want me to read this, buddy? You went to Duke, yeah? It's tough to read, dude.

He uses no punctuation whatsoever. It is hard to read people who aren't writers. I've said that before. But I've never been quite so bad as you are. Okay. He's over there. She asked him, just flattered asked him. He laughs, thinking she was joking, but she kept asking

and bringing him up. I just sort of stayed quiet, which he noticed because he asked her to let him think about it and then brought it up to me first chance when we were alone. Jesus. He let me vent and explain everything to him, and he told me that it doesn't sound like I actually wanted to do it, so I shouldn't do that if I didn't want to,

but that if I did truly want to, he'd be down to do it and stress that it's something that I should only do if I actually meant to. Well, I thought about it a lot and talked to her more about it, and she promised me that if we did it, it would only be this one time, and she'd drop it so I should never bring it up again. So I agreed to make her happy, plus I figured it'd be good to know for sure if it's something I even like. We told him and set up a night for it.

Be nice to be in the same room as a cock for a bit. We told him and set up a night for it. He privately made sure that he was on board. The night came and we had the threesome. It was different than I had thought. I enjoyed being with him more than I think I'd ever enjoy being with any girl before, but not just the physical act

of the, not the physical act, the after too. After she went to shower and we stayed in bed, which led to some cuddling, him holding me, the only way I can describe it

is it felt right, it felt like this is how it's supposed to be, blah, blah, blah, gay, yeah, okay, yeah, you're gay. Honestly, now I'm wondering if I'm gay or bi,

been with a woman, was never that bad, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, first of all, you better hope you're gay. Honestly, now I'm wondering if I'm gay or bi. Been with a woman was never that bad. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay. First of all, you better hope you're gay. If your girlfriend's like, what do you say we fuck other people? It sounds like maybe you just really suck at sex.

Second of all, it sounds like you and your friend are gay together. Yes, for sure. I mean, I feel like putting this on you is like in the office when Andy's like, Michael, Oscar, am I gay? And he's like, come on, this falls on me now. Like, this can't possibly fall on me. Like, you determining a closeted man's sexuality. However, if you, okay, I don't know much about threesomes. I've never had a threesome.

The threesome with a, well, I've never had the, okay. I was like, New Orleans. I've, yeah, okay. I've never, ah, boy. I've never had a threesome where there's another penis that enters the show. Okay. So he's like, he said, like, I enjoyed being with him more. That means.

And he also said, and afterwards. The and afterwards was very clear. I understand what happened. They cuddled a little odd. I enjoyed being with him more. Right. Implies. Implies, yeah.

That he's That there was some hanky panky Correct Okay I don't know if it's a handy A blogey Or a fucking buddy But there's

A what? A butt job I don't know Yeah I don't know if he gave a butt job I've never heard the butt job before Just made it up two seconds ago I like that

I don't know if he called a butt job I don't know if he got a butt job, gave a butt job. I don't even know what either of those mean. If you give a butt job, does that mean you fucking got your butt fucked? Or does that mean you fucked a butt? Or does it mean you just shoved a finger up there? Oh, no. I was thinking peenie.

Yeah. I think if you get a butt job That means you're fucking a butt Or give a butt job If you Cause if you get a blow job It means your dick's getting sucked Right So if you get a butt job

It means Yes If you give a butt job You're fucking someone in their ass For sure I think getting a butt job Is like getting face fucked That means you got

That's Yeah Boy We are inventing new sexual terms. Oh, man. It's going to be an urban dictionary. It's going to get very confusing for everybody, too. Like, I got a butt job last night. I was like, what?

But no, it's off. Fuck, I fucked it up. I meant shit. Gave a butt job. Wait, Tiffany pegged you last night? No. No, it was anal night fuck anyway this dude's gay

yeah big time big time gay yeah if you're if you're saying oh yeah no I just really enjoyed that I'm not really sure if I'm gay or not

we just cuddled a lot after having sex with the girl and she left we just stayed in the bed and cuddled a lot you're gay I'd love to just have

this conversation face to face with this guy where it's like, so you kissed the guy? Yeah. How'd it go? Loved it. And you fucked the guy, too?

Yup. And how'd that go? Couldn't be a bigger fan. And then afterwards, you guys cuddled? Oh, yeah. Big time. And did you like that?

Way better than cuddling a woman. All right, man. I don't know why I walked through the door on this one. I think you might be gay. I feel like I'm throwing stones at glass houses here. This was... After I hooked up with the first guy I ever hooked up with, I never hooked up with a girl ever again, and I still said I was bi

for a while, which obviously didn't work out. But that's also super problematic, isn't it? What? Saying that, like, bisexuality doesn't exist. No, it does, and I thought... Well, that's a whole other whole thing, but I thought I was. I thought I wasn't just gay, but then I realized that that was... Yeah, I mean, when you...

Yeah, when I'm fucking women, I prefer them to be in the shower and us in the other room. I'm bi, just like a weird fetish that there's no women in the room. That's my kink. I like to fuck a guy and a girl, but the girl gets the fuck out of there

before we start fucking. Last one. That's fair. Am I the asshole for having somebody come over to my apartment that did not look quite like their profile picture slash other pictures they sent because those pictures were clearly old and when

they showed up at my apartment, or this hypothetical apartment, I hypothetically told them immediately to leave because my roommate was coming home even though that was just a complete lie. First of all, here's the deal. I wasn't looking at you

and you think you fucked yourself because this story is clearly about you because you told it a lot better than the last reading you just did. That one was coming from memory. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. No, that was about you. That was about you.

That's okay. We like to tell bad stories about ourselves. So you fat shamed someone. They're not fat. They're just not exactly what they look like. Wait, they just got ugly? Kind of, yeah. Ew. Gross. That's worse're not fat. They're just not exactly what they look like. Wait, they just got ugly? Kind of, yeah. Ew.

Gross. That's worse than getting fat. They're a little bit. He just, by the fucking name of it, by the weight, just got ugly? He just got ugly, for sure, yes. What happened? Was he in an accident?

Did someone throw acid at him? He got a little chunkier, but it wasn't anything. He just didn't look. You ever take a picture that it's a picture or seen a picture of somebody and it just doesn't look like them enough? Or it might be edited or something, I guess, but then you meet them and you're like, this is not what you look like in that picture.

That's what kind of occurred. I guess. I was just so. Was he injured in any way? I don't know. No, I don't think so. I mean like outward superficial injuries. No, no. I'm sure he's broken on the inside.

Obviously, yeah, he's for sure broken on the inside. You told him to get the fuck out of your door frame. I'm sure he had some internal issues going on. I was just like, yeah, hey, I actually just meant to, even though I just texted you because you said you were outside and I said, okay, I'm coming outside to get you. I was meant to text you that my roommate actually is on his way home and I can't

and then, yeah. And then he ended up coming into my apartment and I went, actually, no, sorry, I can't. I need you to leave now. Sir, I commend you. That is a pretty – Well, and then John – You got a bigger set of balls than I have because guess what? I just miserably fucked that woman to save her the disgrace of –

I would fucking – I'd date that girl for three plus years. I bet you would, yeah. But the worst part is then no less than 20 minutes later I had someone else come over and they also – they looked even worse than he looked relative to his pictures. So like – Did you send that home too? No. Then I was just like – then I just went, well, this is just not my day. So I just – we just had sex. So you just caught a butt job? Just just not my day. So I just had sex.

So you just caught a butt job? Just caught a butt job. Oh, I fucking bet you did. Yes! Yes! All right. No, I don't think you're the asshole. I think society would call you an asshole.

But society's wrong. And we're holding the mirror up to it right now. Think about it, society. Would you rather – that's a reverse sexual assault if Zach has sex with that person because he doesn't want to, but he does it because society sexually assaulted him into it. They made him do something with his body that he didn't want to do, but he didn't want to be shamed and didn't want to be outcast, so they ruined him. So I got sexually assaulted by society. Society, yeah. Fucking scumbags, each and every one of you.

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i think i can't come back from I think it's the end for me so I was walking down the street and I see this homeless man walking right towards me like he's not looking at anyone else and he stares me down I know he's going to talk to me he comes up and says hey do you have any milk I could have

and I was stunned I couldn't move I didn't think someone would ask me that question on the street. So, of course, I said no because I don't have milk with me. And he goes, not even 2%. And I said, no, what the – like if I don't have milk, then I don't have milk. And this man says to me, I thought a cow like you would have some. And he walks away and it didn't hit me until after

like daddy get fat shamed by a homeless person I don't think I can come back from that I think this is the end for me and I don't I don't know what to do what's the weirdest thing from a homeless man thank you because this person made me want to end my life tear down a home a home full person well now that I'm hearing it, I think it's a poorly placed, because that guy doesn't sound fat. I was surprised to find that out. I don't think that guy's fat. Well, he's gotta be fat

if someone's doing a cow joke to his face. I think maybe he's just the guy who's just kind of tripping out of his mind. He might have been so high, he thought he was a cow. Because that gentleman... I mean, if it's a cow joke... Send in a picture of yourself, sir.

Yeah. I'd like to give you an ocular pat down to decide what your BMI is. He was an actual cow. Because that gentleman – I mean, if it's a cow joke – Send in a picture of yourself, sir. Yeah. I'd like to give you an ocular pat down to decide what your BMI is. He would say, though. He would say, like – If that happened to me, I wouldn't be like, I'm getting fat shamed. Oh, I would say. I would definitely say that. I would 100% say I got fat shamed because it's just funnier.

Right, but I mean, I feel like you don't call this in and say you're ruined if you don't think you're also fat. What if this guy started mooing at him? Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, fat boy. Ring the bell like Santa at the fucking Salvation Army. Shame, shame, moo. Look who's so fat. Look who's so fat he needs a fucking bell on his neck. Fatty, fatty, mo-' fatty, fatty, big fatty.

Can I just switch gears for a second? Because I was thinking about someone being filled up with milk. If I said the phrase to you, my teeth are floating. Does anybody know what that is? Does anybody have a guess what that would mean? No. Anybody else besides Zach?

Trent says to Frankie the other day, I gotta pee so bad. My teeth are floating. Oh, you're so full? Yeah, I use your teeth. You're so full with piss that your mouth is full of, and your teeth are floating. But your teeth are fucking hunkered down.

Cracked in your head, I know. It made no sense. But Trent said that, and I said to him, nobody in the world says that. And he goes, I do, and it's a thing in the Midwest. And I was like, you know, I don't say Ope and all those weird things that they do,

but I know of them. I was like, nobody. I say Ope. I've never heard of my teeth are floating. There it is. My teeth are floating.

But like, but they're just not. It's like saying a fucking dock. Like the fucking pillars that hold up a pier are floating. No, they're not floating.

Your teeth are fucking anchored in the piss. Your tongue could be floating. Perhaps. Kind of. I guess. I've lived in the Midwest. I've lived in Iowa. I've never heard that once in my life.

I lived right by where Trent grew up. It was enough that it was like, bam, right away. Google search when you really got to pee. Southern, it says. You heard of it? You use it? No, I feel like it's been like an older person thing. Yeah, that definitely sounds like that.

Like, I can see a grandpa being like, Clint Eastwood says it. Exactly, like right there, like when they said it was like, I've had four beers, my teeth are floating, like I feel like I can visually. When there's a Confederate flag in New York. Not that one. That's your grandfather? That one, no. It's been tough tough tough reunions for you it's absolutely vile them good old boys are heading out for a weekend hunt and drip this fucking place this is where fucking don's kidney recipient loves to hang out on this website.

What's up? So I'm just going to get to the point. It doesn't matter how we got to this question. Me and my friends were debating how much would it cost to hire a hitman. I was firmly of the stance that it had to at least be six digits over 100 grand to hire a professional hitman. My other friend said $5,000. Brother, you are an idiot. I could probably find someone for $700.

People suck a dick for $20. If you think people suck fat, ugly, little people's dicks. Well, let's just be clear. It's easier to suck a dick than murder someone. Is it? I think so. You pipe down over there. We know, Zach. We know.

If I gave you the choice between murdering someone and sucking a dick... But no, I mean, for me, sure. Rather suck a dick. Don't want to take a life. Don't want to give a kidney for a life either, but don't want to take one. But for others? But for other people who are down on their luck

and things aren't going great. I don't know. Someone's down on their luck and you can suck a dick or kill somebody. It's like, I don't want to do jail time. I'll just suck that dick. Some people, sure. Other people I think would be happily be like, I'll just kill that person I have no emotional connection to.

Right. I've heard that person. At least when I close my eyes at night, I've heard that person Has no impact on my life At least when I close my eyes at night I don't have a cock in my mouth I don't even know who they are I feel like it all matters It all depends on who you're killing Yeah

Like if I just pick a fucking hobo on the street I'm sure I could find someone to do it for like 75 bucks If I asked you to assassinate somebody For a fucking lunch Kevin Yeah Someone could do it for 100,000 You get them Take care Get Kevin. Yeah. Someone could do it for. $100,000.

You get them. Take care. Get them a Chipotle. They'll do it on 27th right there. You also have to realize that people who are willing to murder and assassinate are not exactly like. Well, I don't know. I guess it depends on how good they are at it. You know, a true assassin probably like, you know, millions of dollars.

Yeah. If you want to hire a KGB agent. Right. You're going to take out a loan from that but also they're they're doing like illegal shit so it's kind of like take you know take what you get in certain instances depending on what level they're at you know what i mean i i think i don't know how much there's a blossoming market of you know hitmen hirings yeah if you want to get away with it i probably spent a couple more bucks right if you just want that person dead i I can make it happen.

It might get tracked back to you right away. I bet I can get someone to do it for free. Be like, yo, you see that person over there? They donated a kidney to nobody. Nobody in particular. I'll fucking kill them right now. Well, you seem like you had some area expertise here. Hypothetically, it's about $10,000. I haven't used it before before i would like that on record

um i mean i have some friends who work like i've gone to dark net dark web whatever and they um they've mentioned that it was about 10 grand i yeah i have not used said service before but i would like but yes it's about 10 grand if you want just like a regular person, like if you want Jackie dead, that's about $10,000. If you had just said it, I'd have been like, okay, Zach has weird knowledge. The way you're saying it is... I have not hired anyone. You've said that seven times.

Let me tell you something that I totally have never, ever, ever done before in my whole life. I might want this. I might want this done. No, $10,000. It's about $10,000. $10,000. All right. But here's the deal. I can want this. I might want this. No. Ten grand. It's about ten grand. Ten grand. All right. All right.

But here's the deal. I can find someone to do it cheaper. I'm sure you could. I can find it cheaper. That's a guy who wears like the booties over his feet and gloves and shit.

Yeah. I could find the guy who called the fat dude a cow. He'll do that shit for a fucking one bite pizza. Next.

Johnny. Kevin. Jackie. Girl. that shit for a fucking one bite pizza next johnny kevin jackie girl oh i just got done watching a movie with my niece and nephew called double team terrible movie fabulous name but it got me thinking would you rather have you had a movie made about your life would you rather have a movie made about your life would you rather have a Disney Channel original movie made on your life or a Netflix documentary made about your life one way or the other got some bomb stories to go around hope you all have a great day

I'm about to go drop them back off at their mom's house have a 3G cooking call it a night promo cocaine is the superior of the two. Nope. Nope. Disney movie?

I don't even want a Disney movie. Disney channel movie? Don't want it, but I refuse to contribute to the scourge of unnecessary documentaries. And I, my friends, have an unnecessary documentary. It's something I've spent my whole life hating, so in death, I don't want to be a part of this movie. Yeah, but then you just watched one and you liked it. Huh? Then you just watched one recently and you liked it.

Okay, if they do it 90 minutes or less, maybe. Yeah. I don't want a series. That's fine. That's two different things. You can get documentaries that are, you know, 2020 does a documentary every single week. No, I've railed against unnecessary documentaries.

I've railed against it. And I gotta, look, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything, right? What is a Disney Channel movie? Name one. H-E-double hockey sticks. Yeah. Brink. Brink. Brink. I'd be great in Brink. Johnny Tsunami. These are fictional movies.

Yeah. Also, so I don't even get it. Let's not score. Double teamed. What? Double teamed. The twin sisters take over the NBA, or WNBA. They have a psychic. Luck of have a psychic Luck of the Irish These are all fake movies It would be something of a kidney movie

If you will Sure it's based on me But it was a lot of other elements That made the film I inspired the story but it's not about me Alright last voicemail today Let's do it It is brought to you by

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And when you do a little shopping, you get a free pair of the blue light filtering sunglasses. Last one, what do we got? Right, hello. Kevin, John, Nick, my favorite person, Jackie. What's up? I have a hypothetical for you that has been dogging me since I inherited it in 2015 when I worked at a restaurant on New York Street. So basically, we fight about it all the time, but the premise is you are stranded in a Olympic style swimming pool Filled with jello Do you live or

Pushed into an You are pushed into A swimming pool Filled with jello Do you live or do you die Well this basically happened on Barstool vs America and Glennie and Spider Almost died inside like a KY

Jelly pool and they made it Sound like it was the most terrifying Experience of their life And I'm not one to be like well I probably Could fucking you know do it no problem So I think I'm gonna have to say Uh I would die

Nah I'd live easy peasy You would swim or you would eat your way out, fat boy? I'd do both. Sometimes. I think I am very good at getting big. Like if a grizzly bear ever rolled up on me, he'd run. I don't know about that. Yeah.

Ah! Ah! Yep, see? Look at that. That would have scared me. Look at everyone in here was pissed about that. Yeah. So just think how a bear would feel.

That was extremely, that was extremely annoying. I was big. I was loud. I was insufferable. It would either scare a bear or aggravate a bunch of humans in a room. That's for certain. That's the game, baby. That's the fucking game.

So, yeah, I would just, like, I'd get big. Like, if you pushed me, I'd bounce off it. Have you ever seen that water? I forget what it's called, but, like, you put your hand in it, it'll go in. But if you punch it, it's solid. Yeah, you know what I mean. Okay, that's you? Or that's the jello?

Yeah, like, if you pushed me in, I'd be like, and I'd just bounce off the jello and come back up. I wouldn't even go into the jello. I can't wait one day to drown you in a pool of jello. That's how I'm going to do it. I would hit that jello like I up. I wouldn't even go into the jello. I can't wait one day to drown you in a pool of jello. That's all I'm going to do. I would hit that jello like I hit this fucking thing. I'd be so big and so wide and so loud that I'd just fucking boom. I want to get you so fat and throw you

into a pool of jello and watch you die. Too bad. Can't do it. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.