KFC Radio - I Want You To Hurt Me ;) Ft. Rosebud Baker

Episode Date: August 17, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Feitelberg's birthday weekend + his big-baller helicopter ride - apparently, we're tipping pilots now???? - Uber driver sleeping in Feits' house - Feits' friend had a terrible seat-mate on an airplane - Diamondbacks' Tyler Gilbert with a no-hitter - Top 5 Coolest Sports Plays - Voicemails - fear-rection - miles of TP - places you know by heart - 01:22:44 Rosebud Baker on why she was so late, her dog sh**ting on a plane, taking Britney Spears' place in the conservatorship, learning to shoot a gun at 8 years old, Jeff Bezos is a fraud and much more Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Jesus Christ. And what's crazy is that's not the craziest story that John's friend group had in travel. Right? That is the second place story when it comes to crazy travel story for the weekend. Second place by a long time. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's KFC and my esteemed pink colleague,

who will heretofore be known as Johnny Helicopters. Johnny Chopper. Johnny Chopper spending a little bit of dough on himself, treating himself to the chopper. It's my birthday. You got it. My birthday. So I made it.

We didn't really do a birthday episode leading up to your birthday. So this is your birthday episode of KFC Radio. I got a little present for myself. I avoided five hours of traffic. I have no regrets about this place. That might be one of the more expensive but worth it things. There are certain things in the world that are worth spending money on, you know? And usually it's small things. I think wash and fold laundry is the best deal on the planet Earth.

You can find places that are like 70 cents a pound. My rule is if you find 70 cents a pound for literally anything, that's a good deal. And then some of them go to like $1.10 a pound. I'm like, you could tell me it was $5 a pound. And I would be like, all right, $100 for a $20 bag? Sure, because it's fucking worth it. But it's usually all smaller expenses. This, if you can afford it, the chopper on the weekend is the way to go, baby.

So I went to Montauk once before. And it took, it was probably the worst drive of my entire life. And that's, and I made a promise, I said I'll never do it again. Montauk is the stupidest place that has ever gotten popularity. It's like in the middle of the

Atlantic. The fucking island goes so far out into the water. It's like when you think you're at the end, then there's the fork and then there's the this and then there's the that and then there's Montauk. I mean, there's that sign that literally says, like, it's the end of the world. Because it is. Because the people back in the day, the fucking Indians, the Native

Americans were walking out there like, this has to be the end of the world. Because we've gone so fucking far out this way. At one point, someone on the weekend said, the closest thing to us right now is Bermuda. And to this day, I don't know if they're kidding. I believed it. The closest thing to Montauk might be fucking England for all I know.

Bermuda. Closest thing might be Africa. I mean, you're so far and it gets down to like the two lane highway. Yeah, it was. Dude, I'm insane. So I took the chopper. The times that it kind of worked for me were like, I actually, so I didn't even take the chopper all the way to Montauk.

I took it to East Hampton. Okay. Or South Hampton. That's crazy. I forget. I just keep going. It was like, it's just, that's the final destination for that. Oh, okay.

Chopper. I wasn't like getting off. Got it, got it, got it. That was just the final destination for those flights. You rappel down on a rope ladder and then keep on going. And then, so from there, it still took me 30 minutes to get to Montauk. And it was, I promised myself never again. And it ends up being.

Well, you know what the problem is? Montauk is kind of now the only fun. I shouldn't say that. Actually, so Sunday morning, I was in Amagansett. I went and I checked out the Noah store, Noah Hideout. And nothing in Amagansett on Sunday. No bars, no nothing. Nothing.

Open before noon. Yeah, that's great. So I was sitting in the park on a bench like an asshole. Just like – I thought you were about to say, like an asshole just just like when you're about to say like an addict no I was just sitting there and it was infuriating because I was like why like why can't I just get the liquor store was no fun as guys everything's you better find a beer yeah I'd rather be sitting in a bar something like that people were just drinking coffees being happy playing with their kids being

happy playing with go one guy was, playing with dogs being happy. The nerve! One guy was fucking writing in his journal, and I just sat on a bench like this for three hours. Three hours, Kevin. Bro. Yeah. Why not do something else?

There wasn't anything else to do. Nothing to do? My brother had to leave soon. I would go home and go to sleep or something. There was no place to go. I was out of the... I'd already moved out of the hotel. Oh, to leave. I would go home, go to sleep or something. I had no place to go. I'd already moved out of the hotel. Oh my god. And then my brother So you just sat there like Forrest fucking

Gump, just sitting on a bench. I just sat there. I just sat there. Until there was a bar. No, no, until my flight. No bars ever opened. Then I just went to the airport. And then I went to the airport a little early because guess what? I figured they'd have a bar there. No bar there either. It was nuts.

I ate chips and had a Coca-Cola like a fucking six-year-old. Like a giant. Like a goddamn giant. First, I sat in a fucking park alone for like a whole night. You sat in a park like an old man, and then you ate like a giant. It's just fucking cans of Coca-Cola and bags of fucking Doritos. Sure, I guess that's it. That doesn't sound terrible.

I mean, I don't drink soda. Places like that, you can't get alcohol on Sundays or you can't go here before noon. How about you shut the fuck up? You just run your city like a fucking regular free market. If you want to buy it at this hour, they can fucking buy it. I figured bars just open at 10 a.m. everywhere. Well, I don't know about that.

10 a.m. is a pretty standard time for a bar, isn't it? I don't think so. I think it's a super normal time for a bar to open. I don't know. 10? 10? I think so, yeah. I feel like 10 is like a beach town or a party town. Well, I think it also depends on if you, like, are we talking about a restaurant or a bar?

A bar. Because I feel like you're not getting anything before 11. Well, I mean, all bars I go to have food. So I guess it depends on how you define it then. But they're mainly bars. They just have kitchens as well. Right, but it's like breakfast spots are going to be open to serve breakfast in the morning. But if you're just talking about a straight bar,

I feel like anything. Can you imagine waking up hungover on a fucking Hamptons vacation? And you're like, you're telling me I can't even get a Bloody Mary here? Yeah. What are we doing? Yeah. What are we doing? Well, the Hamptons is crazy, man. I don't know about anymore.

And maybe it's changed. But Hampton Bays and West Hampton are like the very first Hamptons. And that's where Hampton Bays has the Boardy Barn. And West Hampton had the Drift and Neptunes and these fucking fun bars, and it's like two and a half hours closer than Montauk is, and you still get beautiful mansions and the same goddamn Atlantic Ocean and the same fucking sand. It's just two and a half hours closer, and so I used to love.

It was long enough. I would get four tall boys Four I think 24 ouncers And I would get a bag A plastic bag And I'd fill it up with ice And we would get on the train And it was a perfect amount of time

It was long enough That you could have like Fun on the train Drink four tall boys Get off the train Sufficiently drunk With a bag of melted ice And you hit the ground running

And it's Friday night We're ready to rock And in Montauk It's like you gotta do another Like whole other train trip to get there or you drive and you deal with the traffic and then and then but then everything in west hampton closed down the boardy barn still exists but all the other bars closed down and i think it just kind of kept getting pushed further and further east where you like then there was the talk house and then like but now it's like an amagansett. That doesn't open until 4 p.m.

Yeah, that's not – The Main Street Tavern or whatever it was called, that one was going to open at noon. 4 p.m. for Stevie's Talk House. I mean, it's not the best, you know, fun place. It's like – well, in Montauk, it used to be like fishermen and surfers. You know what I mean? And then it became the party spot. And I know the locals want to keep the people out.

The sloppy tuna guys were fighting against the board to like stay open and and it's like what why did we decide to do this at like the most inconvenient spot in the whole goddamn fucking world to the point that i will take a goddamn helicopter there because i have to bro i mean i left at 2 30 i was on the beach at 3 45 worth it that's a fucking that's an absolute no brainer although I did show up to the so I showed up to the like 15 minutes early because I've taken a blade before

with Dave and stuff like that I knew like I was like I knew you you just show up it's not the whole fucking thing and so I sit down

have a whiskey real weak pour for being honest here and and then I I got another one where they were like, well, like. Wait, where is this? Like at the lounge kind of?

Yeah, like a blade. Yeah. And they were like, you can't take it on the flight. And I was like, oh, no, that's not what I asked. I said another one. I didn't say I'm taking it anywhere. It'll be gone. I'm taking it with me in my blood system, in my belly.

Don't worry. And then they were like, well, you haven't chugged it. And I was like, yeah. Nah, I get it. Did I stutter? Pour the fucking whiskey. Rosebud's on this episode. We go on to talk about it a lot more.

Not really a lot more, but I tell the story of the flight and basically me wanting to crash it. But the craziest thing that happened with all this and to this day i i can't i can't be the one who's wrong about this is that once you land on a blade flight blade sends you an email and they ask you to tip the pilot. That's insanity. Like, what are you talking about? I paid $1,000 for this flight. You tip him. You fucking just pay the guy.

Like, what are we doing? Are we tipping pilots now? I'm fucking helicopter rides. Like, motherfuck's shaking a can Asking for a couple bucks Flying a bunch of dickheads Who probably as a group Paid $7,000

For their 40 minute trip And you're fucking asking me For extra money What Although maybe this is the sign Maybe Maybe the rich and boosh people are tipping their Pilots John What? Although maybe this is the sign. Maybe the rich and bougie people are tipping their pilots, John. Maybe you're not a helicopter guy if you don't tip your pilots.

I mean, I got to tip the guy, but I'm going to be very upset about it. And it was like $20. The offers they gave were like $20, $50, $100. And I was like, that's it? That's even worse. That's even stupider. I thought it was going to be like, you know, you've got to throw in like $250 or something. Like, what we're doing here is a super bougie thing, and you've got to fall in line and give him a bunch of cash, too. $20 is almost like—

Let me double check to make sure I'm right on this. That's like disrespectful. That's like I'd rather get tipped no money than $20 on your – imagine tipping $20 for anything else on a $1,000 bill. Dude, I'm a pilot. Like, what are you – you're giving me fucking two tens? Get the fuck out of here. That's nuts.

I think when I did it, I want to say that the pilot was like a fucking ex-military guy because I think that's what they do is, you know, you get home and you're like, I'm one of the few people who knows how to fucking fly a helicopter that was so i'll just drive these assholes around but i didn't even think to tip the guy granted i was a young dumb asshole at the time but i didn't even consider that i should have tipped it oh wait i i honestly i think i deleted i think i got so mad about this email i'm deleting it i can't. Yo, there are a few things in this world that feel as cool as getting on a helicopter. Yeah. Getting on and off a helicopter.

Like, I remember when we did it for the – I did it in 2010, I want to say. Yeah. Barstool opened – Barstool New York was 2009. Within like a year, I got hooked up with a helicopter ride to the montauk for the sloppy tuna and i was like yo i made it we're year one and i'm doing chopper rides like it's gonna be gravy from here on out i haven't been on a helicopter since i mean i mean that dude what a scumbag he was but he fucking rolled out the red carpet the the I would imagine this helicopter was also like a nice helicopter. I don't have anything to compare it on because, once again, I've never been on another one.

But it fit like eight people, eight of us, I think, and had like leather seats and like a fold-up cooler that was like stocked. And, I mean, we were filming with that shitty – remember that like Zoom camera that came out around that era? It looked like a little vertical, little like Sony camera. It was, I don't know. Oh, yes, yes, yes. But that's what I used to try to get footage on. This thing? No, no.

It looked almost like, if you could take just this part of the iPhone, it was like skinnier. And it just had a little lens like that and you just kind of walked around like this i think it was a sony product i don't know and that's what i used to try to like you know when i would like try to get original content for barcelona new york uh and we made like a little we put like uh good life by kanye on it and like you know had had footage of sloppy tuna and i was like this is awesome. Like, the bar was cool. We got to the bar. He gave us one of every single thing,

literally every single thing on the menu, which was a little overkill. It was like six or eight people. I was like, I can't eat all this. I'm done after the first round. And then, you know, we just had a blast at the bar and then flew back. But I was like,

but the helicopter is almost like, I was like, let's just keep circling. Let's just like keep on the helicopter. Yeah, yeah. It's like leaving the tailgate to go to the football game. I'd rather, let's just keep circling. Let's just like, keep riding the helicopter. It's like when you get on a party bus. Yeah, it's like leaving the tailgate to go to the football game. I'd rather just stay on the fucking chopper. It is a cool,

cool feeling. The thing that sucks about taking like a blade though is that you don't want to be the guy taking pictures. Well, that's,

yes. Because you want to like, I fought with you every weekend. We wanted a picture for it. I thought that, I guess when I took the private jet

to Milwaukee, that's the only other time I've ever done like a private plane or helicopter thing. weekend we wanted a picture for i thought that i guess when i took the private jet uh to milwaukee that's the only other time i've ever done like a private plane or a helicopter thing it was amongst friends but that was like i think that was almost it was me marty casey dana jack mccarthy that was it from barstool it was almost like a little unspoke like an agreement upon all of us like we all are geeking out i think this is cool yeah yeah okay this is the cool seat it's like, okay, this is the cool seat. You sit there and take some pictures, and then I'll take some pictures for you. And that was, like, agreed upon. But I was definitely thinking, like,

should I be playing it? Like, yeah, man, whatever. But you were with strangers. Yeah. I was with strangers who it was clearly not their first helicopter. Right, right. I was the one who looked like an asshole. Everyone else looked exactly what you think

someone on a helicopter with a hand that looks like. Yes. And I was like, I, like, snuck, like, one single picture. I was like, yeah you think someone on a helicopter with a hand that looks like. And I was like, I snuck one single picture. I'm on a helicopter! But that's something to me. I mean, yeah, when you're a guy like Dave and you're on nothing but private planes

for a long time, always, you probably just get used to it. But I don't know. There are certain things in this life that I don't think like, every time I drive through a car wash, I kind of get a little – I like it. It's cool. It's kind of cool. It's a fucking car wash.

Every time I go to a hotel, I open up the door. I see like a cool little like – it's like a nice suite. I'm like, ooh, kind of cool. Let me put the fucking robe on. There are certain things that just – the allure doesn't wear off and I think private flying of any kind. Yeah. You got to be really fucking big time for that to just get totally like – whatever. Yeah. You gotta be really fucking big time for that to just get totally like

whatever. Yeah, I mean. I also though, but I intentionally too, because I think people see it in movies so they instinctively do it. And everyone like ducks. Did you duck?

No, I fucking, I got bigger. I was like, your head is not gonna hit the fucking chopper. If there were two of me, I wouldn't hit one of these blades. Why are you all ducking?

Everybody automatically. It's so funny that they do that. But that's the tip is, so what did you end up tipping? I didn't tip. You didn't do it? No, and I deleted the email, so it's not going to happen. Not happening. Sorry, Blade.

That's the thing about Uber, man. The reason we all loved Uber in the beginning, at least, was you don't have to tip. It's just built in or not built in. We didn't know, but we didn't have to do it. We just didn't fucking do it. There was also – when Uber started, you didn't have to tip, and there were only certain drivers and certain cars, and it was all above board where everyone behaved very appropriately. And I think that has gone completely to hell. Yes. And no greater example than gone completely to hell. Yes.

And no greater example than what happened to your boy this weekend. We got to talk about this Uber driver. It's brought to you by 3Chi. This guy must have been on 3Chi. I don't know, dude. 3Chi is my favorite product of the year. If we were going to do, we should do, you know what? We've always said this, and I know part of my take does the takeys,

but I feel like we should do an award show for the year for something like that. Like what is the best product of the year in the podcast realm? The best show, the best newcomer, the best single video, the best product that gets pushed, all that shit. Because at this point, like podcasting is our entire lives, and we know all of that. I think an award show like that would work, and I think 3C would be the number one product of the year in the podcast. Without a doubt.

The number one product of the year in the world. Showing no signs of letting up either. I mean, they keep rolling out more and more products. So 3C, if you don't know, is a THC extract, meaning they take THC from marijuana, from the devil's leaf, the ganja, and they take out all the good stuff. So you still get high, you still get the tingles, you still get the euphoria and the giggles, you have a great time, you lose your inhibitions, you don't have anxiety, you get rid of chronic pain, you sleep better, but you don't have that crippling paranoia, You don't wake up with that sluggishness. So they took out that extract,

a little science for you and got a great THC product for you, uh, in the form of gummies and vapes in the form of, uh, already home cooked edibles or a tincture oil that you can cook your own edibles. I don't think I could really make anything better than they make the brownie or the cookie or the Rice Krispies, but the brownie is really like a high-quality brownie. But I want to try. It's a delicious brownie. I want to try. Oh, I had a snack this weekend, John, that if I could put some 3C into this, it might be the greatest thing in the world.

It was cereal. I thought it was just you order ice cream, and then you get a cereal, and then you get a topping. But what they do is they, like, grind up the cereal into a powder so that your ice cream is, like, infused with the cereal. So I got, like, cinnamon toast crunch infused vanilla ice cream topped with Teddy Grahams and a caramel drizzle. What is this, milk? Milk and cookies, it's called. Yeah. Holy shit. This is what by the law is, right? No. grams and a caramel drizzle where's this milk milk and cookies yeah yeah holy shit right no i i was in connecticut actually but oh but so i don't know if it's a chain or what but you have

a whole list of cereals to pick from and a whole list of toppings or whatever and it blew my dick off i think i think it's don't even tell me that don't tell me that there's one nearby i i believe there's one there's definitely one I'll never stop going. It does a similar thing. If it's not the same exact place. They pulled this lever that was like and like ground it all up and all of a sudden I get like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Okay, it's called Milk Bar.

And that's on 29th and Broadway. God damn it! I'm gonna get so fat. But I'm gonna get some oil. Get the 3T tincture, put it in that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

If I can get high off that, that might be the end of my life as I know it. I might not do anything ever again except for that. It's that good. The three cheat is that fun, that good of a high, and it's all safe. It's all legal, and you can order it right off the website, and you can get five percent off your order when you use promo code kfc2021 so that's three chi.com the number three chi.com promo code kfc2021 at checkout to get five percent off your order must be 21 or older to order and enjoy uh so be safe about it u Uber used to be a place where it was like, you drive, I ride, five stars, you're clean, I'm nice. It's all this like, we're living in the future, man.

It's on-demand travel. You don't have to hail a cab. We're not doing any, like, it doesn't smell bad. It doesn't have bad suspension. It's comfortable. All that shit. And now it's a goddamn free-for-all. Bro, now you're getting Uber XL now.

And I'm not even just saying, you know, we say Uber like I say Band-Aid. It's on-demand car, whether it's Lyft, Uber, whatever. It's all a shit show. But you get one now. You get an XL. And it used to be they show up in a Suburban with waters and chargers at the ready. Mints and candies and chargers, all that shit. Now they roll up in a fucking RAV4 and they tell someone to lay down in the back.

Yup. Yup. Like, there's six of us. Yep. Like, like, brutal. No, like, there's six of us. That's why I got an XL. It's like, yeah, no, I got four seats. Just you two just cram in the back. What are we doing?

Put the baby on the roof. You can hop in the front. Like, come on, man. But the reason we're discussing Uber is over the weekend I had a buddy who posted on his Instagram thing, the story, this text. Instagram thing. This text that he got from his roommate that said, Yo, I'm not sure who's home, but random heads up that 99% of you won't even see.

Sorry, I'm a fucking tornado over here. But random heads up that 99% of you won't even see. We took a car home and we'll be back at 3 a.m. Our driver is going to sleep in my bed because he lives in Albany and I'm going to sleep on the couch. He'll be out first thing in the morning. I just don't want you to be freaked out if you wake up and see a stranger in the apartment. What are we doing leaving fucking Uber drivers in your bed?

Let's rank the craziness of this whole thing. I fucking was dying when I saw this thing. I think third on the list is just doing this in general. The third craziest thing is that he's just having his Uber driver stay the night, right? Yeah. I'll say maybe the second craziest thing, I think, is even just like the way the head's up. Like 99% of you aren't going to see this.

Like just trying to gloss over it. And then giving the bed. Yeah. I mean, what is that? When that is by far the craziest thing. Yeah. You know that it is a good host. Like, yes, that's what you're supposed to do.

You know, you take my bed. I'll, you know, I'm the host. I'll sleep on the couch or something like that. I'll do that to a stranger, a strange man who's driving the Uber. This is one of the most socially awkward. I mean, it's like,

it's not, it's like death. It could be dangerous, but it's like, probably not. You know, it's just like, it's not,

it's not like it is dangerous. It's just fucking. No, no, it it's probably not. It's not like it's dangerous. It's just fucking batshit crazy. No, no. It is definitively dangerous. It's not some extreme high level of danger. It's not jumping out of a fucking helicopter without a parachute. Right. But it is like you're allowing a stranger who you've never met before into your home for the night.

But isn't it kind of similar to like, what we do with Uber? It's like, you're just gonna get in the car with this fucking crazy person. They can lock the doors and drive you to your fucking death. That, like,

at the Uber, the original pitch that they made at like, a board meeting to like, the VCs, they were like,

so what's this thing? And it's like, oh, so like, it's you, you kind of just hire strangers and then, and then other strangers

will give them their credit card information, and then they just hope they don't get raped. And everyone was like, all right, it sounds like pretty sold. Pretty sold. Gary Vee passed on it. And he said, he was like, this is crazy. No one's going to do this.

Although, it's all crazy. It says crazy as a taxi driver. And any time you interact with strangers like that, Airbnbs, all that shit. You might get an Airbnb and that's just that you're walking into your slaughter. They're just in the middle of the night. I think Airbnb is the worst one. I think if you Airbnb, you are a buffoon.

You're nuts. I think if there's a... If you're doing a long-term thing, I don't know. I can understand that. I guess. If I got a house for the summer or something like that, I get that. But if you're just on a quick trip and the choice is hotel or Airbnb, bananas.

There's no reason to take an Airbnb or to have an Airbnb. Or huge groups. I'm going away for a wedding. Don't care. Nope. We're staying in a hotel. I'm with you on that. But I don't think it's as weird

It's not like weird It's just like Why would I want to sleep in someone else's bed When it's all decorated for their shit I want to see their pictures and stuff like that If it's an investment property And it's like it is basically an empty home You know a furnished home

But like it's not a lived in home That maybe I can get down with But I have no interest in fucking using your goddamn towels. Living amongst your shit. And why do you want me and a bunch of other strangers to do it as well? You're going to come back home to that? It's fucking wacky. But not quite as wacky as letting an Uber driver sleep in your fucking bed for the night. Like, so now you got another chore.

Now you got to fucking do laundry a day when you wake up. I'm assuming these are all guys, right? Yes. So that, you know, if there was any girls in the house or anything like that, it'd be fucking insane. Ultimately, you probably do have more. Like, this guy's like, I'm not going to do anything. This guy has my Uber information. He knows my car, my fucking license plate.

Like, if Uber guys ever do anything to you, they're probably the easiest in the world to catch. Yeah, that Uber dude was actually, we've talked about it, he was in more danger the whole time. Honestly, yes. Yeah, he probably goes home and his Uber driver friend's like,

you slept at the house of the passenger? Are you fucking nuts? But I can't recall ever, at least in a long – in a blue moon, like a more socially unacceptable move than that. But also like – What compares? Can you think of anything that even compares? Like have you ever had a friend do anything that's even remotely this ridiculous?

I let the Uber driver sleep in my bed. What? What? Not that I can think of. John, John, what? But did the Uber driver ask? Because guess what? He's crazy for asking.

No, if I take an Uber home today and the Uber driver says, can I come and take an Apple Oh, you would be like, you can live here as long as you want. Yeah, I was going to say, you know what? You mean to breathe. I'll get a hotel. You take your time. I'll pay the rent and you sleep there. No big deal.

I can't think of anything that even compares just like a long haul uber driver because i get a thing you seem like they were coming from upstate so a long haul uber driver just time for a fucking it's like yeah i mean like what is he like a pilot who like the pilots have to sleep i was gonna say if if an uber driver said to you, like, bro, I gotta be honest with you, I fell asleep a couple times in the wheel there. We're lucky we even made it here alive. Oh, I did that with an Uber driver recently. And actually, I came You what? You almost died? I had to wake him up. And

what's so fucking funny is that I almost let us die a couple times. He's like, I don't want to be rude. What if he's not, like, what if I'm not seeing what I'm seeing? You're processing all this while you're moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, we're driving.

We're on the highway. And I was. What are you, like, drifting and shit? And I was watching him, like, no. Do that. And I was like, boy, I'm going to have to say something at some point. And we were. I'm probably going to have to speak up on this one. This is – we were going from Asbury Park to the ferry to come home.

So it was probably like a Sunday night or something like that, Sunday afternoon. And I hit my girlfriend. I was like, is what's happening – what I think is happening, is that happening? And she goes, oh, yeah. And we were both like I was like Alright man I guess I guess I gotta be the man here

Yeah it's not so annoying That that falls on our shoulders You gotta save the lives And I just went We all good up there bud And he kind of popped up And was like All set

And we were so close Like I I let us almost die For 12 minutes It was a 20-minute ride. Like, did he almost hit the guardrail? It was good. It was guardrail.

It was... At one point, we were just on the... So, you're on the highway for a very brief period of time when you're going from... Just on one exit off the next, yeah. Yeah. And so, it was mostly, like, beach drives, which are worse. I was just going to say, people and houses. People and there's, like...

Guards. Like, if you drift in the highway, you're just drifting into a guardrail. Yeah. You're drifting in the hunk-telling traffic. Yeah. I was like, bro, why don't you get us on the highway? Get this fucking, get these RPMs up. Have you ever fallen asleep while driving?

Definitely. I mean, I will tell you right now, I am calling my shot. I will 100% die falling asleep at the wheel. It's not a regular practice of mine, but it's for sure happening. I find getting in the car and driving to be like the most soothing, relaxing, like the droning of it and the moving. I am like right to fucking sleep. I mean, I fall asleep three to four times every time I drive a car.

What? No, but if the circumstances are right, if I'm tired to begin with, and I'm doing a long drive, and I'm alone or whatever, I mean, a couple times I'll... That could have been like two seconds or two minutes. How long has that been? remember we know how hypnosis when you just forget i don't know i would imagine how hypnosis is similar i think i think you just like forget the ride yeah that's when you space out and start like speeding and you don't realize

yeah that yeah all that all that happens i'm like well i'm doing a buck ten whoa whoa uh but i i yeah that'll be the end I remember one time We I was with my buddy We would We would get like Like lunch period And when you had cars You'd go like off campus

If you will In high school And we would always like Try to race to this Chinese buffet And try to eat in time And so he was Like driving You know

Aggressively to get there in time And he I mean we We started the drift Like into oncoming traffic And he pulled it back over And I was like Bro what was that and he was like dude the crazy thing is like i think that was a good like three or four minutes he's like yeah i almost killed all everybody here but no that that'll be like i'm that's

happening to me now when i'm like an 80 year man, for sure they should cut off the driving. Oh, yeah. At what age? Boy. Because like ordinarily I would say like, yeah, like when my parents are in the car now, it's not great. And they know it. They're like, you know, if I need them to do something, like I left Keegan's stuffed animal at my parents' house like one night. And it was kind of like, I'll come back and pick it up because, you know,

it's dusk, like, it's not a good time for you to drive, like, you'll fucking die. So, like, I feel like late 60s console, you know? Or you got to prove it again. You got to, like, go. AARP magazines. You know, you can sign up for AARP, like, whenever you want. Really? Yeah, that's what I heard at least.

I think I'm going to sign up, just start getting these benefits right away. What does that even mean? We just haven't been aware that you can get free money? Apparently, there's not really a beginning, like a minimum or a maximum. You can just retire tomorrow? You can just start it off, yeah. And you get what?

Don't you get like 60% of your... No, that's a pension. No, that's a pension. I think you just get a little beneficial bullshit here and there. But you're just going to drive for Uber. I'm going to sleep in people's houses and probably kill them and myself one day while I fall asleep at the wheel. Jesus Christ.

And what's crazy is that's not the craziest story that John's friend group had in travel. Right? That is the second place story when it comes to crazy travel story for the weekend. Second place by a long shot. By a long shot. By a really long shot. Which is the same distance between FTX and the second place app when it comes to buying and selling and trading crypto. FTX is the number one app in the world by a fucking mile.

It's the only app I even know, to be honest. They have all the top crypto coins. I'm talking Dogecoin, Bitcoin, Ethereum, all the top dogs. And right now, when you make a trade over $10, you get a free coin. So it could be the next Bitcoin. You know, all these shit coins that are cashing in, you get a free one. And all of a sudden, you're the owner of one Dogecoin, one Bitcoin, one Ethereum. And it could be the next thing that absolutely takes off.

You used to know these guys as Blockfolio. Now they're FTX, and they are investing for the crypto generation. If you are my age or older, if you're plugged in with the times right now, you are a part of the crypto generation. There's going to be so many people who make retirement-type off of this shit just getting in on it you don't even need an arp i'll pay that shit straight cash homie bro the the nft shit is so wild like my brother keeps sending me links to like any interest in buying like this jpeg you know like and i'm like i don't have any interest in it but it might just be like the next one. Yeah, yeah. You know, you send me, there's one group that's doing like these chimpanzee cartoons, kind of.

I can't remember the name of it. Just like monkeys dressed like humans, like with a hat, or like bloodshot eyes, sunglasses on. One's dressed like a rapper, one's, you know, whatever. And he was like, yeah, these were selling for like pennies like a couple months ago, and now they're on Sotheby's for full-blown auctions. What? So it's like, you just might, who knows? Should we just buy all of them that are a penny?

He was sending me sneakers. He's like, there's JPEG, there's pictures of sneakers that are, some of them are, I think, actual sneakers. Some of them are not even real sneakers, but they just have glossy, I don't know. It's like, what if the sneakerhead community just says, yeah, I want that NFT. Who fucking knows, man? But that's why you've got to be plugged in on all this stuff on NFTs on crypto on blockchain everything for the next generation to make that money and a lot of it is confusing and that's where NXT FTX comes in and uh FTX makes it as simple as possible you just sign up start buying and selling trading all that crypto, and you might get that retirement money before you even know it, man.

10,000 different coins to trade about. Notifications right to your phone. You can follow along with whatever coins and projects you choose. And like I said, any trade over $10, you get a free coin. So visit the App Store and download FTX for free today. The second story is even fucking crazier somehow some way okay so i gotta text my buddy um i don't even know this one fully yet because i was like i want to hear this one live on the pod so i've missed this story on barcelona so i

get so there's a story uh clamber blogged so the playboy playmate says she was told by southwest employees she couldn't fly because her top was too low. This woman, she's a baddie. Mm-hmm. Eve J. Marie. Mm-hmm. A woman was left feeling humiliated on a Southwest Airlines flight after she claimed she was asked. Bro, everyone on Southwest feels humiliated.

Give me a break. That's just called flying on Southwest Airlines. She claimed she was asked to cover up her outfit or face being removed from the plane. Eve J. Marie, 26, who was traveling with her 7-year-old son, alleges that she was forced to borrow a flight attendant's jumper and tie it around her for the entirety of the service from Dallas to Tulsa. Whatever. The whole point is she's just a very attractive woman

who has been kicked off her flight for looking. Whoa, boy. Okay, so here is her. This is her OnlyFans guess this is a tweet of hers it just says let me sit on your face bro i'd be honest i'd be like i'd decline because that's that seems dangerous that's the type of ass that will suffocate you that girl sits on your face you end up dead bro like that scene in the boys for that Where that girl fucking kills that guy While he's eating her ass I'd be worried about that So my buddy texted me

And he said it a few days ago And I just missed it And he sent that story And just the next comment is This girl tried to rape me on a Southwest flight today I don't know if it's funny or just that it happened or that you missed your buddy's rape text. Thank God you're not, you know.

I don't know. If you ever text John like, hey, man, I need some help. I've been raped. John just fucking missed the whole thing. So four days later, I went, bro, what? And he said, yeah, I don't know how she didn't get killed off the plane. I said, what was he doing?

He goes, again, he said tried to rape me. Tried to rape. Right? Implying failure to rape. And he goes on to describe what happened to him. He goes, I said, what was she doing? She goes, she fingered herself with my hand, bit my dick twice, had her massive tits out, and was making me lick them.

Wait, where is this? This is on a Southwest flight. On the plane? Yeah. Like in the bathroom? He goes, we were sitting next to a Southwest employee who was asleep. She tried to come in the bathroom with me on the plane, but the tourist stopped her, then tried to

drag me into the family restroom after the plane i said i said dude first of all this is a he's a very attractive young man yeah yeah and i was like i was like dude i mean i'm sorry to hear this but i don't think she tried to rape you you got raped you got raped brother i also i don't know what's funny your terminology that tried to get raped or she fingered me with my hand. Figured her with her hand. I mean, that's like you grab and just use it like it's a phone. She was showing me videos of her getting fucked and butt plugged on her phone.

He goes, weird shit just happens to me, man. I was like, a sexual assault happened to you? Yeah, dude. Not weird shit. No, this is where the double standard is like fucking crazy This is some Terry Crews shit Where we're just all inclined to laugh about it But it's like this is horrendous

But you know guys probably just walks away Like I gotta text Feidelberg about this It's wild But imagine that She showed me shit on her phone And was telling And some dude was telling her she was gonna catch something if she kept letting everyone shoot her club up which i guess means just comment someone

i've never heard that one just recently oh i heard it just recently it was so fucking funny just like a week ago i heard it for the first time. And she was like, it might have just been on TikTok or something like, I gotta stop letting them shoot the club up. And I was like, oh my god. The club. Your pussy is the club and these guys are shooting it up. Unbelievable. I mean, what would you

do in that situation? Do you just like, probably the same exact thing, right? I would just get raped and then I would probably just like I'd tell a story about it on a podcast.

Here's the thing. I think if someone was that persistent, I think I'd just fuck them. Oh, that's the thing. I'd be like, listen, lady, cut it out.

And then the next time she's throwing my hand in her pussy, I'd be like, you want this? I'll just fuck you, right? This is what you asked for, right? Let me just bang you out.

Now we're done. He has a girlfriend, so he did. But I was like, I probably. Even that, I think that's not cheating. If you fuck a girl on a Southwest Airlines flight because she's aggressively basically raping you, you were defending yourself with your dick. That's it. You were defending yourself and your dick. That's it. You were defending yourself, and your weapon of choice was your dick. And the most peaceful, non-resistant way out of this was just fucking this girl.

I had a buddy once who moved. It was like, I was going to have to be on awkward four hours. Yeah, right. Or just get this over with. Yeah, I had a buddy who, we all had a house down on the shore, and there was this girl who showed up and was kind of like into him and really laying it on thick. And he was like, is it going to be a whole summer like this? I'm like, fuck. And then one time he finally hooked up with her and was kind of like, this is what you want, right?

Like, here, fine. We're going to fucking do this. Can we end this now? He was like, I just fucked her to make it stop, make it end. I feel like if that's what's happening on your flight, like, I just wanted to watch the movie, man. I was on Southwest. It was already uncomfortable. I just wanted to watch the movie, man. I was on Southwest. It was really uncomfortable. I just wanted to watch the movie.

This is what I get for boarding group C. Think about that little Russian roulette, too. Anybody else sits there, who fucking knows? I mean, the best part, well, not the best part, but the subtly funniest part is the Southwest. The boy's sleeping. What? Like the flight attendants? Where are we at?

35,000? Turn on the seatbelt sign. Fuck. You guys aren't supposed to be walking around. What's going on here? Hey, wait. What the fuck's happening over here? Are you fingering yourself with his hand?

That is... I take one nap and this place just devolves into chaos Daddy's always gotta be up doesn't he That sounds You sound like fucking Tim Robinson I think you should leave I think you should leave I could see him doing his skit like that

Every fucking time Every goddamn time I take one nap on the plane I wake up the people fucking Jay Zerano had a very funny tweet about that Every goddamn time I take one nap on the plane, I wake up, the people fucking. Jay Serrano had a very funny tweet about that. It was just an idea for I think you should leave skit. It was something like, let me find it, because it was worded so funny, and I don't know why, but it really is just something I'm like,

that would be an exact skit of this show. He goes, let me find it. Oh, God, I hate people who tweet as much as I do i'm always like i'll just pull up their timeline and it'll be there like you know right away i mean i just saw this like a minute ago well now i'm just invested in how fucking long it's gonna take it was like he works for uh like a law firm or something like that who won like law firm of the year 2017 2018 and 2020 and he's like don't ask me what happened in 2019 you don't even want to fucking know and you never know what happened in 2019 but he just freaked out about the whole thing the whole time like that's that's that's his style i uh i think also fingering fingering me with your hand is is a new uh description that i that i like it's like did you finger her no no she was fingering herself it me with your hand is a new description that I like.

It's like, did you finger her? No, no, no. She was fingering herself. It was with my hand. Lil Dicky says that in season two of Dave. He's like, what do you think about saying that I fingered her with my dick? She's like, I think that sounds stupid, and no one would say it that way. He's like, exactly.

No one's ever described sex as fingering you with my dick. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. I'm happy to report, too, by the way. I can just finally be honest because I like Little Dicky. I love Cheeto. I like the show. It was, like, such a great story of, like, just how, like, you can make it in the industry.

But season two in the beginning was, was not very good. And it definitely picks up. It does. It does. I actually second half of season two gets so much better. And then they try to, they do some like cool,

you know, like Sonny recently has always had like one episode a season. That's like, you know, like the interpretive dance one, but it's like, Whoa, that was like different.

They do, they do a couple of things like that in the second half season two it's like really cool but there's some flashbacks we see it's it it gets good it feels like the first like three episodes were like i don't know they were filming on the pandemic and quarantine i don't know if it was like all disjointed but some of it felt a little bit strange and i think i think a lot of people were on the same boat like felt the same way about it but second half season 2 of Dave is just as good as anything else they've put out and I have to just say anybody who

likes the White Lotus has bad taste in television that show fucking sucks I never had any interest in watching it it sucks you tried to get me on it and I refused because you were like it's the next big one

did I say that? you were like, it's the next big one. Did I say that? Yeah. You said after episode one. No, I did not. I don't know if you said it's the next big one, but you said it's their Sunday night show. If it was on HBO Sunday night at 9 o'clock, you would never, never hear a word about that show. If that was just streaming on hulu that show sucks and had a good cast they do like it has good actors so the acting's good it has like good music and

the score is really good and like the way it's shot is cool my shows i don't give a fuck about that when people are like oh man like you know that scene with like the camera angles and the way the music like complimented i'm like great man cool like, you know, that scene with, like, the camera angles and the way the music, like, complimented it. I'm like, great, man. Cool that, like, you know, the NYU film student can really appreciate this. But the guy who at home, me, who likes plot and entertainment, this shit sucks. That there's nothing that show went from. It's either absolutely nothing was happening or the most preposterous things in the world from murder

and taking a shit and drug fueled orgies it's like taking a shit there that the only thing i will give the white lotus is that they showed things on television that i've never seen before they showed uh well it was supposed to be steve zahn's ball sack you don't really see ball sack they showed a man eating another man's ass don't see that much and you watch the guy just take a shit and i don't think they faked it i think he just took a shit so that's i'll give the white lotus that there are three things that are kind of like oh my god i gotta see it he just squats and they just show a profile and you just see it falling out of his ass and i was like i think that guy just took a shit like a snuff film it was like that was just real that was just

falling out of his ass and but that was it. It was like these three things that I – the only three things I could like tell you happened were like just rammed into this fucking show that absolutely sucked otherwise. I can't believe it got – it got renewed, season two. Oh, really? It's going to be like – I think it's – I don't know that for sure. I saw like literally a couple, like two tweets. Somebody said it got renewed for season two. Someone said, yeah, but it's an anthology series. So I think it's just going to always be new people show up to the resort and like the wackiness ensues.

And it was kind of like, all right. I don't know. It's just like, you know, I think some people think, yeah, it's about family and life. Like these people just showed up and this is like all their stories. It's like, okay, but all their stories fucking sucked. I just can't stand it. It's like – I mean it's also that's just basically the other HBO show.

Was it Room – Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like everything in the hotel room yes yeah this just for the fanfare that it got and the fact that it was like hbo's sunday night show oh oh i hate it i fucking hate the white lotus i'm i finished it and i was angry i was like, six hours down the fucking drain, man. So fuck you, White Lotus. Let's do our top fives now because the most interesting thing of the weekend, maybe of all time, was this dude on the Diamondbacks. I don't even know his name, which is such a shame because I was thinking to myself, how fucking amazing is this moment? And I don't even know his name. So it's not that amazing.

You know what I mean? I mean, it's amazing. Yeah. But it's like Tyler something. Who wouldn't even have a guess? You want me to name an Arizona Diamondback? No chance. What? Tyler Gilbert. Tyler Gilbert called up

for the Miners for his first start ever. He had been called up for a relief appearance, but then backed down to the Miners then called up for his first start ever against the Padres, although albeit without Fernando Tatis at the time, but a very good team. First career start, no hitter.

Fucking preposterous. Dad in the stands. Has that ever happened before? So my favorite thing from this entire saga is not even, it really doesn't even have to do with him. It's about the people who last did it because it's happened four times in history all the other three were from 1898 yeah they were all like like 1800s uh the other three men to do it ted

breitenstein so it was back when jewish fellows were succeeding at baseball. Bumpus Jones and Bobo Holloman. Hell yeah. So when Bumpus and Bobo are the last guys to complete this task, you know that you're doing some old school shit that hasn't been done in a long fucking time. His dad was in the crowd cheering him on, crying

his eyes out. Can't think of anything more unbelievable. Straight from a script, you tell Disney we're going to do a movie where the guy from the minors comes up and throws a no-hitter in the first game, and they say, get the fuck out of here. This movie is ridiculous. And it happened in real life. So today we're going to do top five sports plays that you would like to be involved in.

It doesn't have to be like full no-hitter, but individual plays, just best plays in sports, whether it's the walk-off or the big shot or whatever it is. All right, our top fives today are brought to you by Movement. Movement is top five in the game. As a matter of fact, they're top one in the game, the only company in the world that's done what they've done when it comes to wristwatches, sunglasses, regular eyeglasses, accessories.

Movement has literally changed the game and reshaped the industry, all while being a huge supporter of our podcast. So top five Dead or Alive Movement watches, no doubt. What they did was take all the savings from becoming an internet company and pass it along to you. So they cut out the brick-and-mortar stores, all the overhead costs, and they passed it on to you. So that watches that look and feel like they're $500, now they only cost buck 30 uh some of them only cost 95 the sunglasses same thing gets shades for like 60 dollars when these are usually down 300 sunglasses then they said fuck it we can do uh we do watches and sunglasses we might as well get into the blue light filtering game and they have their ever

scroll eyeglasses that help filter out the blue light and help your eyes stay sharp when you're looking at screens and phones and tablets all day long. They've been down with us since day one for the last decade, so you should get down with them too. The watches, they've got all different sizes, all different styles, men's, women's, metal, leather, plain black and white, different colors. With the shades, they've got all sorts of different styles, everything ranging from stylish to more conservative. And then the Everscull glasses to save your eyes. And right now, you can get 15% off, plus free shipping and free returns when you go to MVMT.com slash KFC. That's

MVMT.com slash KFC. Get 15% off, plus the free shipping. Top fives. You're up, first pick. I'm up, first pick? Hell yeah. My favorite... So, let's call this coolest sports plays. Okay? Okay.

There is nothing cooler than an outfield assist. It is. Dude, when you. I've had multiple occasions where I just had threads of outfield assists where it was I tweeted one and then people started responding and it just started retweeting, and it went off the rails. But you see those, like there's the one like Vlad Guerrero. From the corner to third base. From the corner to third. There's that one.

The one, someone says it's an underrated one. I forget. It was Bo Jackson. Bo Jackson catching one in shallow left and then throwing someone out at first. I forget exactly what happened. Maybe it was a fucking ground ball to left. But he throws someone out at first, And it's just like, it's insane. Then there's fucking

there's the, obviously the, um Who's your boy? Cespedes? Yes. There's a Cespedes one. The good thing about Cespedes was he was reckless in the field with his glove. So he would get himself into situations where people would run on him.

Because once you know that you have a cannon, people don't even try. You don't even get the chance very often. Right. It's like, whoa, why didn't Revis have any interceptions this year? Because no one throws the ball at him anymore. Half of the field has gone. Right. But Cespedes would, like, bobble a ball or, like, misplay it and let it hit the gap.

So people are like, I'm going to go for third. And I'm like, no, you're fucking not. I might have to. I wonder if he does that stuff, too. I wonder if there's a bit of that where it's intentional. Because I remember reading an article on Sidney Crosby way, way back in the day. And someone was talking about how what he does at practice is he practices moves. People try to do stick handling moves that look cool.

Sidney tries to learn moves that make it look like he fumbled the puck. So that you do something stupid? Yeah. Wow. He's actually in control the whole time. Right. And I wonder if Cespedes does that. I'll pretend I'm bobbling this, but guess what?

I'm luring you into the trap. I'm going to do something that's never been done in draft history. We're going to do a little time traveling here. With my fourth pick, I'm going to take something that you just said that I don't think falls under the umbrella of the outfield assist. I think throwing someone out at first from the outfield is one of the meanest things you can do in sports and therefore makes it – I don't think that's an outfield assist. I think that's just a put out.

I think – yeah. So with my fourth pick, I'm taking that. That's my fourth pick into the future. The outfield put out. That should have been available there. And I'm going to go a step even further, like when you do it to a fat guy. Because that's usually how it happens. They play shallow, and it's like Bartolo almost got thrown out a couple times.

He would get there because he's actually sneaky fast, and then would be like, come on, man, you motherfucker. Did you really have to do that? But sometimes in Little League, you could do it to the fat kid or the pitcher. So the outfield put out from, what's that, like 9-1 or whatever the numbers are? That's so fucking rude when you do that to somebody. So my first overall pick is the walk-off home run. Yeah, it's hard to beat.

I agree with you. I would have probably drafted the outfield assist because it's cooler. Well, no, it's not cooler. I don't know what it is. It's rarer, and there's something, like, unique and macho about it. Like, not to say that everyone can hit a home run, but everybody can hit a home run. Like, there are certain guys who could never throw you out from, you know,

the wall, you know. But the walk-off home run, Tim Anderson the other night, like, fucking forget about it. Dude, that was – that game – let's talk about that real quick. That game, balls were juiced, right? That had to be like, we want to make sure this is a fucking spectacle. There were, what, six home runs in that game? That was 2019 baseball.

Actually, I don't know the dimensions of the field. Actually, no, I think it was 324 down the left, so it was a pretty regular field. It was fucking Yankee Stadium, man. But, yeah, the ninth inning home runs to take the lead or tie it, and then Tim Anderson to come back. It was fucking – That was cool, man.

It was very cool. That was one of the things that lived up to the hype for me. That was a great idea. They should do that every year, or that's where the All-Star game should be played or whatever. Or maybe not. Maybe that, like, every year. Or that's where the All-Star game should be played or whatever. Or maybe not. Maybe that loses the allure then. But the cornfield and the fucking perfect sunset. Like, sometimes I really believe.

This is why I will always say baseball over everything else. I know football has become the most popular one. But I think, like, the pageantry and the storytelling and the beauty of baseball is, like, unparalleled. The fucking what's-his-tits over pro football talk. I can't think of his name, but whatever. But he had a tweet where he said, what's something like this game that football could do? I was going to say, what?

He said, maybe have one game at, maybe have a Rudy game every year that you play at Notre Dame and one team wears Notre Dame jerseys. And someone quotes me and goes, so a Notre Dame football game. I mean, I may be like a – I think college football has that more than pro. For sure. The Rose Bowl or certain stadiums. Pro games, it's like maybe like a Lambeau Fields game in the snow

or something like that. But I don't know. There's not like a fictional – I think you'd have to have it like – That's what's so crazy about baseball and the love love that people like the passion people have for it there's a fucking field that people care about right like there's no court i mean i guess there's in basketball there's a little bit of that with the garden or like uh duke or whatever like but football just doesn't have that juice no you have to have to do it like in a field in Texas, like Friday night nights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. Fucking mud bowl. That's it. That's really it. Well, just real quickly while we're talking about sports. The woman who threw the soda in that football fight. Oh, yeah.

I swear to God she should go to jail. That woman should be locked up for like 10 to 15 years. Bro, those. That was worse than the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, friends. That was the shot heard around the world. That was going to be a bunch of shit talk and nothing else, and then she was just like, boom, full soda. And then that guy goes with the Ric Flair chop across like four different faces, and

then he got his shit worked. That guy punched him in the ass. But he didn't get his shit worked. Those guys wanted no part of a fight until some dude... You've seen the guy with the big mustache? He kicks the guy in the ass. Because I think he's just trying to... Oh, yeah, there is a foot that flies in.

And then once he was down, they got on him like a pack of hyenas. Yeah, then they got real fucking macho once he was down. He was punching his ribs and his kidneys. That one guy was literally just punching his ass. This is not an honorable fight at all. But it's one that should have started it all. Because those fucking pussies had no way. They were scared little fucking cowards.

They just had strength in numbers. Until the guy was splayed out. And then he was like, all right, now we pile on. Fuck, if you want to fight, fight. But that's fucking pussy shit. That guy must have just been bruised. Yeah. I mean, he's got to have been walked away.

I know. But you know, that was like 10 minutes later when the adrenaline calmed down. He's probably like, oh, fuck. Who was punching me in the asshole? That guy just got his taint abused. All right, second pick for you. Second pick is hitting someone over the boards in hockey. Mm, interesting.

Like dumping someone onto the bench. Yeah, okay. I never have experienced anything like that. But that's got to be one of the more emasculating things. okay. I've never experienced anything like that. But that's got to be one of the more emasculating things. Oh, I've never done it. I've just been like, that would be...

When you see that, that goes like... Ass over tea kettle or whatever the phrase is. Yeah. It goes viral every time which is like someone gets fucking

bundled into there. And it's funny too because there's so many ways it can happen. You can just get flipped off. But then there was that hit. It was Tom Wilson. It was Tom Wilson on fucking Corrales, maybe.

It was against the Bruins. And he just, I mean, it was insanity. It was crazy. He just sent him flying. Literally flying. I'm going to go. It's about as a match as anything gets. I will go to go. It's about as a match as anything gets. I will go with the.

I'm going to go with the. I'm going to go with Fat Guy touchdown. Like Fat Guy defensive touchdown. Yeah, that's a good one. Like scoop up the fumble and you're, you know, running out of gas. Like you just like had just enough motor to get to the fucking end zone. And you score a touchdown. And it's just like the greatest feeling in the world and everybody celebrates the fat guy scoring fat man touchdown is that's a moment of pure bliss for like you could be

like you could be an unbelievable defensive player have a hall of fame career sacks wise and tackles wise whatever else but the best if you ever scored a touchdown like it's like the best moment of your life the one thing you want to do you know as a pitcher you want to hit a home run or as a fat guy as a defensive player you want to score touchdowns and then you like finally get to do it i don't even think you want to do it i think it's one because one of those ones it's so preposterous yeah you don't even put it in your mind you don't even hope not even a chance i'm gonna i'm a nose tackle yeah i'm not gonna to hold on to that. It's not happening. It's almost like you get the ball and you're like, I don't fucking want to do this. Okay, my number three.

Right? Yep. Like a half-court buzzer beater, but that's not a half-court shot. Like it's a pull-up. I'm basically thinking of one single shot, and it's Steph against Oklahoma City. Like the intentional punch. Yeah, like pull it up from the fucking. Not. Like the intentional Yeah, like pulled up from the fucking Not a heave. Yeah, not a heave.

You pulled up. You knew what you were doing from the spot. From the logo or something like that. I think Dame had a couple of those his past playoff run. Yep, yep. They call him Logo Lillard. That's fucking disgusting. That's Steph one when it was like...

That step one, I vividly remember where I was. I was at Midtown Oyster Bar in Newport Island watching that game. And it was like... We were like, what's he doing? This is crazy. They're calling timeout? Yeah. And he just casually scrolls to the court and fucking buried from like 100 feet away.

That's the kind of shit that does change the way the game is played, where it's like, call timeout. You got to set it up at half court. It's like, no, no, no. I'm just going to shoot from half court. I'll keep the Steph train rolling. This is specific, again, to mostly Steph. The ball in the air, start running back down court.

It's in. It's fucking in. Or shoot, turn to the bench. You know it's fucking going in. I mean, he did that. Give the finger guns. He does that, or did that, specifically that one season, far too often. Like, that should be a once in a lifetime, like I'm on fire sort of thing.

And he does it like every other game. It's unbelievable. And he did it again this season. Yeah. People just thought he was bad for a little while. And I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, wait, I just realized I already took my fourth pick, so now I'm running out. I got one this season. Yeah. People just thought he was bad for a little while. And I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, wait. I just realized I already took my fourth pick.

So now I'm running out. I got one more pick. Fuck. Okay. My fourth pick is going to be, I think, probably a breakaway goal. I was going to say, I can't believe there's not. Yeah. A breakaway goal.

Overtime goal? Because, like, an overtime goal, breakaway goal. But, like, when you get to celebrate, like, a big enough goal where you get to celebrate by jumping into the boards. Like, you jump into the boards. Which is how Ovechkin celebrates every goal, which I love. No, I know exactly what you're talking about, though. That speed that, like, where you just throw your body into it. Yeah. You're like Luis Mendoza.

I might be able to stop, so here I fucking go. All right, my last pick. It's crazy because I knew you wouldn't pick it i knew you wouldn't pick many basketball things i was surprised you had the step thing the the the like the posterized dunk is probably the most popular one but you know what that'll be my honorable mention we'll say that was almost too too easy yeah because i like i was i was holding that for this moment but i think I've got a different one instead. Because, you know, the dunk is, yeah, whatever.

It's amazing, but it's also a bicycle kick goal in soccer. Oh! Yeah. Fuck, you kicked my ass this list. That, like, let's call it, you know, a game winner or an equalizer or an overtime goal. But that's one of the more preposterous fucking, you know, like, to consciously do it, too. You know, it's not like a crazy, just like, okay, it's coming. And you land on your fucking back.

It's disgusting to do that to somebody. When I was a kid, I learned about it, like, in, like, the Big Green or something like that. And I was like, that's not something you do in real life. Yeah, nobody can do that that's Hollywood movie magic that's and one basketball shit nobody actually it's like

no I'll end up like I'm like landing on my neck you alright big fella alright it went down the wrong pipe yo wait I didn't do it

I didn't get it fixed oh you should pay the bank yeah bro I think just fucking I think just striking someone out yeah I think just All right. It went down the wrong pipe. Yo. Wait, I didn't do it. I didn't get it fixed. Oh, you should pay the bank, yeah. Bro, I think just fucking, I think just striking someone out. I think just striking. That's just like, look, that's me versus you. I'm going to throw this ball as hard as I fucking can.

You try your best to hit it. And then you fucking miss. I would walk off that mound celebrating every single time. I love that that's like finally, finally, we're almost there, where that's just going to be what baseball is. It's still, like, you know the guys who show emotion, but we're almost to the point where it's, like, you can just do that. When you just, like, it's, I mean, that is, in sports,

that's about as one-on-one. This is me versus you. No clock, none of that shit. I'm bringing the heat. You have to throw it, and you have to swing it, and, like, see what happens. Absolutely. I'm sure you get that way, like, in the trenches, where you trenches where you're doing one-on-one blockers and stuff like that. But this is just like we're on a stage.

Because the offensive and defensive line kind of just becomes chaotic. It's almost like in Braveheart when two wars clash. But this is like we're separate. We both clearly see what we're doing here. You know what else I think is a good one? Specific, though. Almost specific to like one individual instance. But Dave Roberts stealing second base is one of the coolest things in sports.

And I talked about it with Paul Verzi the other day on the Kevin Clancy show. Like that moment where it was like he was pinch run for, you know, it's like everybody knows I'm here to go. Yeah. And you and Mariano rivera's on the mound and it's like and you got you got to get a lead but you can't imagine imagine if you got picked off there right imagine you get caught leaning so you gotta like know not to get but then and then to go and get it it's like ah that is i i like that like it was bang bang but he was definitely safe and like the noise like when the bass is mic'd up or whatever and you hear that like and then and then the hand hit the bag and the glove hit you and

and you're sick ah i mean incredible that's some like one-on-one you know that's some one-on-one like dance type shit yeah we're doing a little dance here it's almost like it's like one-on-one on one though because yes because knows you're going, too. It is. That was, too. There wasn't a person on the planet who was like, he's not going to go. He's going. That's what he's here to do.

And then the fact that I think it was Ortiz delivered. Did he get the single? No, no, no. That game was Bill Miller, I believe. Yeah, just like, yeah, and then we got the single. Then we did what it took. Yeah, I think that was, yeah. Poppy was doing the – Poppy did, like, every other walk.

Yeah, yeah. All Yeah Alright so hit us Hit us with your top five Another one I don't think is as Maybe not as cool Maybe we could do another top five Eventually Like

Funny Sports moments But Position player pitching Is always like Sound the alarm But also It's fucking too much now

Well now that People do it often For like We're down like 8-1. Like, I might as well save my bullpen. That should be reserved for like circus games where it's like 15-2. But anybody getting in there throwing like 34-mile-an-hour like Bugs Bunny curveballs, I get a kick out of. Voicemails today are brought to you by SimpliSafe.

The most important thing you can do is... Protect this house. We must protect this house we must protect this house you got to protect your loved ones you got to protect your belongings uh and you got to do it and it's your responsibility it is that's really the thing we're saying earlier the car thing where it's like i guess i gotta be the one to wake this guy up as a guy it's like yep i gotta i gotta make sure that i keep this house safe women of course too you should keep your stuff safe but uh man of the house you know you get your first home you got your first baby whatever you get your first uh expensive furniture and electronics and all that you got to make sure that nobody gets in there and steals that shit you also got to make sure

you're protected against earthquakes and fires and floods and all that natural disaster type stuff but uh when you got to stop those burglars how you're going to do it you're going to do it simply safe it's affordable it's easy uh it only takes how are you going to do it? You're going to do it with SimpliSafe. It's affordable. It's easy. It only takes a matter of minutes to set up. You don't have to have any weirdos in your house setting it up for you.

You can set up the cameras and the sensors and the alarms all by yourself. And right now, when you go to S-I-M-P-L-I, SimpliSafe with an I, .com slash KFC radio, you get 20% off the security system. That's a big deal because SimpliSafe has been I dot com slash KFC radio. You get 20% off the security system. That's a big deal because SimpliSafe has been down with us for a long time. And they've always had a good offer with a free camera or free risk-free trial or whatever.

But now they're officially offering a 20% discount. So on an already affordable monthly cost, 20% off is going to save you the money while you're saving your belongings and your loved ones. At simplisafe.com slash KFC Radio, start to customize your system, start protecting your home and family when you sign up for the interactive monitoring service. That's your first month free, 20% off when you sign up for interactive monitoring service at simplisafe.com slash KFC Radio. Hey, KFC Fights, Jackie here. at simplisafe.com slash kfc radio hey kfc fudge jackie uh question for you guys so i'm just listening to the episode today about um like one of the like dirtiest things someone's done in public or sexiest and it was like the cigarette butt thing which is weird but uh got me to a

question so uh story of my ex-girlfriend never thought I'd go out with this girl, tattooed, ex-Marine, wore a crotch rocket, like, very, you know, I guess you could say, like, um, I can't think of the fucking style.

Anyway, so her style was so hot, though, but, so we're walking out of the bar one night, this is the first time we hung out, and I never thought I'd have a chance

with this girl. We go through this alleyway to get to my car, and when we take the turn, she, it's the winter time in Illinois, so she grabs me by my fucking peacoat and slams me up against this brick wall and just starts like sucking my tongue out of my mouth and at this point in time I was extremely turned on but also like a little like

what the fuck so the best thing I can describe it is like a fear erection like a hard-on mixed with being like terrified at the same time but i was all about it so question what what what is something in your life that's given you like it's turned you on but also scared you at the same time i know it's not the fucking cigarette butt thing because that's weird also uh kfc i've definitely uh broke my ex-girlfriend's nose with my head like while having sex so i'll tell you on that story too all right guys this guy doesn't fuck this guy fights what's he saying the cigarette butt thing yeah remember the guy was like he's like some girls So I'll kill you on that circuit. Nice, man. This guy doesn't fuck. This guy fights. What's he saying?

The cigarette butt thing? Yeah. Remember the guy was like, he's like some girl started putting cigarettes on his arm. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like in a club or something. Too much. Yeah. So what's a fear action?

He's like, yeah, I got fucking hot as hell. Like, bro, you were getting literally. Yeah. Your body was fucking on fire. That's why it was hot. That's a true fucking torture move. The. Yeah. The – okay. So the idea of like – it's basically like what's something that's like so aggressive but like hot at the same time.

Yes. Mine is basically just like everything that any girlfriend has ever done to me. A lot of violent ex-girlfriends. I don't know. I liked it all. I remember hooking up with a chick. This was early. See, what people don't realize, I don't think, for us,

we live through the transition of regular sex to violent sex. Violent sex is par for the course now. There was a time where you were not supposed to slap and choke and shit. Bro, I remember the first time a girl said choke me. Yeah. I was like, what are you nuts? So that's the fucking answer.

That's your answer, dude. I have two. I had a girl the first time. I was in a hotel on a blackout tour. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wait. And this is the same girl

called Daddy. The Daddy girl. This girl, I swear to God, you might have fucked Alex Cooper on the blackout tour and and oh yeah wait and this is the same girl called daddy girl yes this girl i swear to god you might have fucked alex cooper on the blackout tour i didn't know it this girl was so ahead of her time she was saying daddy and choke me well before anybody was doing daddy and choke me i was like do you you might have fucked like a time traveler you might have fucked like an alien who like zapped into the like into the past and fucked you and brought her futuristic ways with her i believe we were in a hotel in Hartford and it was like... Choke me, daddy.

She took my hand, put it on her throat, fingered herself with my hand. And I was like, what are you doing? She's like, push, push. I was like, I'm not going to kill you. That's what I mean. Because at that point in the game, it wasn't understood. It was like why would i do that i didn't know how to do it either like what like now like fucking they'll

teach you like you know you're supposed to pinch on the sides not i disagree with you by the way i just fucking choke but yeah i know i was like a pinch i just fucking cut off your waist i don't know how this works Like Just fucking Fucking Basically doing like CPR On her neck

Yeah Just fucking Snapping Fucking Tracheas Tracheas Yeah Dude that's gotta be it though

That's your That's gotta be it The girl The first time you heard choking I was horrified Cause I I don't remember the first time Choked me

But I remember hooking up with a girl Making out with her on the couch. And we had been doing some choking and some slapping, some light slapping. And she didn't even go with choke me or slap me. Beat the fuck out of me. Even worse. She said hurt me. Oh, my God.

She was like, hurt me. And I wanted to be like, what, you want me to date you for six months and then ghost you? Like, hurt you? Hurt you. So I was like, not, you know, I was slapping, and that wasn't really enough. I was then being told to hurt. So I was kind of doing, like, light, like, closed fist. Working the ribs?

Body shots? Just little elbows? Alright, I'll hit that liver. Bam! I did the McGregor hit with my shoulder. Bam! Break her nose with my shoulder. I was kind of like punching without making a fist. Because like, open hand slap this way wasn't getting it done, so I was kind of like hitting it with my knuckles.

Kind of like, whap! But the way she whispered hurt me. And then also that, the first girl in high school, the Kind of like, whack! But the way she whispered hurt me. And then also, the first girl in high school, the one who, like, you know, basically took my innocence. Like, the, like,

I mean, literally the very first time we had sex, she asked if we wanted to do anal, and I was like, I'm losing my virginity. Can we just, like,

keep this condom dick in your vagina, please? But then also, maybe like the second time, she was like, put your fingers in my ass and i was like whoa okay that's awesome so that was if you're wondering how you make a kevin yeah like that's molded me into this fucking thing the better or worse next kfc fights super producer bc

jackie uh got a quick question for you guys. So, me and my roommates are having a little competition right now. We're seeing who shits the most in a month. Shout out to App Hoop Map. But it got me thinking. How many miles of toilet paper do you think you use in your lifetime? Thanks. Bye. I don't even know how to calculate that. Are they counting, like, turds or are they counting times they shit?

I would hope they're counting times. Even that's despicable. I don't like this. You guys can do these challenges or these contests or whatever. I don't, like, so what, you come out and you, like, put one on the board every time or something? And, like, who really wins then? You come out with one fucking, like a little bit, like the last wipe. And then you kind of just nail that to the wall.

Oh, God, stop. And then what? So some dude, like the fat guy in the crew, comes out. He's like, you know, on the 31st, he's like, 62 shits. I won! Okay, you fucking. I always think that fat people shit more right uh it's that's a common thing to believe but i don't think there's any truth to it right yeah yeah i would i don't think they just eat more so they shit more right i don't know that would

make sense i guess i guess but it's also i don't know it's like you're skinny you shit everything out all the time right away i don't know maybe you're the shit that's true that's true uh and what was the question how much much toilet paper do you use? I don't know. I mean, I had to display it when we went through Hand Washgate. I use apparently a lot of toilet paper. I take the roll and just

fucking... I don't know. You guys are so desperate to conserve your fucking toilet paper that you got your fingers breaking through. I've got like a clothsworth. I let that shit roll, man. That noise is so

spot on. Bro, I take one and I crumple it up to give it a little weight and just throw it across the bathroom. Just to roll the warm up. Warm it up to give it a little weight and just throw it across the bathroom. Just to warm it up, pal. I'm about to really unroll you. I personally have destroyed a significant portion of the Amazon rainforest. All right, last voicemail is brought to you by Simply Safe

Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by Slick Spirited Ice It's the new way to get your booze on It's the only way to get your booze on What do you drink your alcohol? Like some sort of heathen? Why don't you just suck it on ice Why don't you just get a nice little frozen ice pop of alcohol

And suck on it I want to suck on my alcohol Give me a little an ice pop of alcohol and suck on it. I want to suck on my alcohol. Give me a little. I'm grilling it a little. I didn't even think that was that bad. That's literally what you do. You suck on the ice pop.

I can see it going somewhere. Slick spirited ice. It's like your favorite ice pop from your childhood. An icy pop, but it's got some rum in it. It's got the alcohol in it to make yourself a nice little ice pop cocktail. You got like a daiquiri. You got a margarita. Any of those like beachy, summertime, by the pool, in the sand type of cocktails,

they now are freezable to put in your home. Pop open the freezer, open it up, slice the top, and you can chew on some slushy ice with your favorite cocktail infused in it. So you get your buzz on, get your drink on, except it's all in the form of your favorite ice pop. Get your roll on. This dude dropping 2000s rap references. I love it. Get your Slick Spirited Ice on.

You can go to Slick Spirited Ice, S-L-I-Q, spiritedice.com to learn more. You can check it out at your local liquor store. All summer long, all fall long, at tailgates this fall for football. Imagine you're in the hot sun on a September game and you can pop out the Slick Spirited Ice at the tailgate. Oh, my God. Do the battle of the ball. You're at the pool in the ocean. Bring the cooler with you.

Pop it open as we are in the final weekends here of the summer. You want to make sure that you get your icy Slick Spirited Ice on. It tastes good. It's 8% alcohol by volume, so that will bug you up. And you get 100 calories or less in each pop. So it's not like you're eating like a whole ice cream sundae. It's just some slushy ice with your favorite alcohol in there. So bring it to the backyard barbecue, the pool party, the beach party, whatever.

Slickspiritedice.com. Check it out today. KFC, Nick, Jackie, and happy birthday fights. Quick question for you. Are there any fictional places that you've seen in TV, movies, video games, anything that you feel like you know better than a place that you've been in real life whether it be a map in a video game

or the set of a TV show anything that maybe you feel so immersed in that world that you know better than a place you've actually been in real life alright, thanks it's a good question, and oddly, my answer is definitively no, because I just can't figure out.

Like, New Girl and The Office in particular are two shows I've seen 50 billion times. I still can't fucking picture the layout of the buildings. Like, I still can't really understand how... I kind of get... I see Nick and Jess's room. I also know where Schmidt's room is. But then, like, I don't understand what happens back in the bathroom. I don't understand where Winston's room's at. And then the office. I'm fucking a mess.

I do not understand the layout of that place at all. Of the office? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Because I think it's just one big room. No, because there's one room, and then there's the annex. There's Michael Scott's office to the left, and there's the conference room that's right alongside his. There's the kitchen thing, pantry, whatever, in the back. And then back corners like Angela and Oscar and the accounting. But then how do you get to – what happens when you go into the hallway?

Because then where are the stairs? Then where's the warehouse? Oh, yeah. The whole building is a different story. Yeah, yeah, mean i get michael's and then there's there's no you know wherever that hallway is that lined up for pretzels right and then the the parking lot there but that's yeah i mean the thing is i don't think you can i don't think you can oh you know what i feel like i i feel like i could like live i could like you know they they say like you know your childhood home you could like you could they they say like you know your childhood home

you could like you could walk around it in the middle of the night with your eyes closed like in the dark and uh-huh i think i could do that to the mcallister house at home alone really i feel like i know that house like front and back no i definitely don't have that one like the the stairs up the the attic stairs to go up a little bit further the the the parents bedroom buzz's room the basement the the uh that whole kitchen with the dining room off it i mean the mcallister house is probably the one that i which is funny because it's you know people like i don't think people realize that it's a set you know it's like there's there is the mcallister house that they show outside but then the inside of the house is not that house oh that's right it's like a school yeah

it's like they if you watch the movies that made us uh it was like a local elementary school yeah which makes much more sense like you think that like that i was remember being like what and a lot of people were like yeah of course duh and i was like no not of course duh people just thought that was like the house yeah but then when you think about it's like yeah no you need to be able to like put cameras in and have like shoot these shots so it's a set, that they shoot on, not just a home. But is the set modeled after the house?

That I don't know. I hope, that would, that would, that would be cool, if there was a house that looks that way, but yeah, that,

that, that house would be the one thing I know, but I don't think, it's, it's hard, it's kind of impossible. You're a video game guy though, like, you like the fucking bomb levels,

or shit like that? I just, maybe at the time, some of the GoldenEye levels, some of the Mega Man levels I used to know really well. But some of the Zelda maps at the time, playing like Ocarina of Time, Ocarina of Time, whatever, when I was like entrenched in that for like 12 hours a day trying to beat it,

I knew like all the temples and all the different like fields. You could be in Hy temples and all the the different like fields you could be in hyrule and all this shit but overall it's hard to maintain any of that i don't know but yeah this is hard this is a cheat code but i could do patty's pub yeah it's like there's one it's a bar but that's like have you ever been on a set of a tv show or anything no i went to a schitt's creek thing that was like made to look like some of the the rooms but i've never like been on the set i think that's something i would enjoy as like a tv i think i would love to like see that i tried to win it once a trip out to sunny yeah and it was

like it was like that is in la right yeah that's what's funny too is i think people sometimes assume that it's actually philly and it's like like, no, these are actors in Hollywood. But it was because Charlie went to my high school. It was like an auction item. And I was like 22 trying to do it. I went for big, big money. I don't know what it went for, but it went from $150. Yeah, you weren't going to win it. All right, let's get into our interview today.

It's our girl Rosebud. Rosebud baker is back she's got a new special coming out it's nine years of her work finally coming together uh and she's just always i mean she is like she's one of my favorite guests absolutely and she comes in like a bat out of hell she's like a little fired up fucking little like monster you know but this was even by her standards, hectic and erratic and crazy. Towards the end of the interview, she goes,

I did say I feel bad for mass shooters, didn't I? Mass shooters, right. It's brought to you by Bare Bottom Clothing, my favorite clothing sponsor of the year. I told you my favorite product earlier. My favorite clothing sponsor of the year has been Bare Bottom. I wear their shirts pretty much like four or five days a week at this point.

The long sleeve tees and the regular tees are the most comfortable shirts I own. The jogger pants are unfortunately the only real pants I wear right now that still fit me. All my other jeans from last year pre-pandemic. No, they don't even fit.

They fit like they're like... I love this. Here's something. I stand by this. I think this is a factual statement. I've never had a pair of pants stop fitting me. Really? Yep. That's honorable.

And they might have technically stopped fitting. I haven't stopped wearing them. Right, right. Oh, oh, oh. Wait, what? So it's like the same way you wear small underpants? Yeah. I'll wear them.

So they don't fit you. You just squeeze into them. Yeah. Okay,pants? Yeah So they don't fit you, you just squeeze into them? Yeah Okay, that's stupid They don't fit you Yeah, yeah, yeah Just because you wear ill-fitting pants doesn't mean that they fit you I have like the same pants I wore

I have pants from high school that I'll wear sometimes And you're comfortable in them? As comfortable as ever Meaning no I'm never comfortable, so I'm always comfortable Right, right, right I gotta go to a wedding in a couple weeks, and it's an Indian wedding. So Friday night's Indian clothes, and then Saturday night's American clothes.

And I'm like, can I just double up on the Indian clothes? Because there's no chance my sister could be anymore. Yeah, so I got like the – Tashiki? No, no, no. It's called a kurta. Kurta. But they are called pajamas on the website, like kurta pajamas.

I'm like, we are literally wearing PJs. This is my kind of fucking wedding. But bare bottom is their joggers are the only thing that fit me now. Their shorts are fire. They've got comfortable clothing that it's lightweight but performs well. Right now for under $100, you can get two lightweight tees and a pair of stretch shorts. So get shirts and shorts that fit you and perform well and are comfortable for under $100. With the shorts, they've got the 5.5-inch inseams, the 7-inch inseams.

So whatever your style is, they've got you covered. It's comfortable, stretchy. It's soft. It's five-star rated. They've got swim shorts, regular shorts, tees, long-sleeve tees. Just top-notch stuff. Go to Bare Bottom Clothing, B-E-A-R

like the animal, bottomclothing.com. Use promo code KFC to order today and get free shipping. That's barebottomclothing.com. Code KFC. Let's talk to Rosebud Baker on KFC Radio. Voicemails today are brought to you by SimpliSafe. The most important thing you can do is...

Protect this house. We must protect this house! We must protect this house. You've got to protect your loved ones. You've got to protect your belongings. And you've got to do it... And it's your responsibility. It is.

That's really the thing. It's like we were saying earlier with the car thing. I guess I've got to be the one to wake this guy up. As a guy, it's like, yep, I I got to make sure that I keep this house safe. Women, of course, too. You should keep your stuff safe. But man of the house, you get your first home. You got your first baby, whatever.

You get your first expensive furniture and electronics and all that. You got to make sure that nobody gets in there and steals that shit. You also got to make sure you're protected against earthquakes and fires and floods and all that natural disaster type stuff. But when you got to stop those burglars, how are you going to do it? You're going to do it with SimpliSafe. It's affordable. It's easy.

It only takes a matter of minutes to set up. You don't have to have any weirdos in your house setting it up for you. You can set up the cameras and the sensors and the alarms all by yourself. And right now, when you go to Simpli, SimpliSafeWithAnEye.com slash KFC Radio you get 20% off the security system that's a big deal because SimpliSafe has been down with us for a long time

and they've always had a good offer with a free camera or free risk free trial or whatever but now they're officially offering a 20% discount so on an already affordable monthly cost 20% off is going to save you the money while you're saving your belongings and your loved ones. At simplisafe.com slash KFC Radio,

start to customize your system, start protecting your home and family when you sign up for the interactive monitoring service. That's your first month free, 20% off when you sign up for interactive monitoring service at simplisafe.com slash KFC Radio. Am I allowed to vape in here? Shut up. Okay.

You won't. Like, what's something a guest could do that we would say no to? Literally nothing. Really? Really. Literally nothing. If they took out a gun and started shooting up the room, I'd cheer them on. What if they shot heroin during the podcast and then fell asleep for the rest of it?

That would be great. Imagine that. Rosebud Baker did heroin on KFC Radio. Watch the footage. This is our jar. If we make suicide references, you've got to put a dollar in. Really? Yep.

Why? Because we talk about killing ourselves far too often. Oh, okay. Okay, all right. I'm actually gonna get one of the square things yeah we definitely need a tap for sure because fuck okay so let's talk about uh you and all your blatant lies for why you're late today shall we i swear to god this is not a lie okay first of all i i feel like a liar already. First of all, I feel like I'm lying.

But I was at, where was I this weekend? Sacramento? No, it was like the Florida of California. Florida of California. San Diego. San Diego. Not Huntington. San Diego?

Wait, San Diego's nice, I thought. Listen, it's not. It's like, I know they think it's nice. It's really like mozzarella sticks. Like, it's fun, but it's trash. You know what I mean? And I had a great time. It's yeah.

I guess yeah. People from San Diego won't shut the fuck up about how great it is. Well, it's great. It's great, like 75 degrees and all this shit. But I guess when I think of San Diego, I don't think of affluence. It's so nice. I just think it's nice weather. Yeah, I had a great time.

But it's a lot of bachelorette parties just like all over the place and real family town it feels like an outdoor mall a little bit you know at least where i was at so then i get back uh and i i took mouse with me because this was like a last minute gig i took mouse with me on the way back mouse all of a sudden like i smell something on the plane and it hit me like i was like that's shit that's not a fart that's shit and I so I had to take her crate into the this is like context for I was gonna say for the reason why you were late this morning beginning in

San Diego last week is it's all context but like this is how deep the lie goes my dog just to give you backup I my dog shit in her crate on the plane with two hours left on the plane to go so then I'm next to you no in her I know but you with two hours left on the plane to go. So then I'm next to you.

No, in her. No, I know. But you keep like her. It's not you put it on. She was. No, I put her. I put her under the seat in front of me. So then I like smelled it.

And like, you know, when like everyone in the place, they all just went like this at the same time. And I was like, oh, my God. So I just picked it up, took her in the bathroom. I'm trying to clean up shit, like wet diarrhea shit. Come on, Rosebud! Literally, it's everywhere. It's everywhere. I swear to God, I feel like I come on here with a new emergency every time.

If you were a passenger, yeah, you always got something for your fucking pussy cup or your dog hitting, whatever. Something is going on, yeah. What would you have said to a passenger who was doing, like if that was somebody else, you'd be like, throw this bitch and her dog out of the plane. I'd be like, at least throw your dog away. At least throw your dog away. It's got a powerful flush.

Yeah. It's got NASA suction flushing. That's the other thing. I did not know in the process of cleaning this shit up, I didn't know you could clog a NASA toilet. Like it's like a- Wait, you clogged it? Yes.

Like a dog did, I imagine? With all these paper towels. You jump in? Yeah, because you can't, there's no water. You're like, it's like dribbling water. You might as well spit in your hand.

I was like trying to clean it up with just like hand spit. You know what I mean? And there's so much shit and I was like, and then while I'm doing it, I feel Mouse like touch my calf and I was like,

oh, her paws are covered in shit. So this is going to be now on my clothes. So I look down and she's like, there's no shit on your calf. But I did poop in the corner. You know, you're busy. I shit right here on the floor. So I was like, oh, my God. It was really like a nightmare.

I had to take off my clothes. Get the fuck out of here. I had to take off my clothes and put my hoodie in her crate. In her crate. Because I had to throw out the whole inside of the crate. The whole inside of the crate had to go. You just got to throw the dog out. So I put my fucking hoodie in.

And then I came out of the bathroom and I was like, oh, it looks like I shit myself. Because I'm wearing different clothes now. And I guess I'm just here to sell my dog and also say that... Why are you late this morning? And also to say that I overslept and then when I woke up, I flushed... Wait, literally, what does that have to do with anything?

I know. I overslept. Did it happen like this morning? No. It was just a stressful day. I had to regulate my nervous system. I was really... I was stressed out after being covered in shit on a plane. I thought you meant you got completely naked. That would be hilarious. Because you didn't want to get your clothes dirty.

So you got completely naked and then folded them and put them in the corner. No, no. And I was like, what a scene that would be for someone to accidentally walk on. Just a naked person covered in shit with a dog running around. Just like taking paper towels in an airplane sink And then trying to like Wipe everything down I was just It was such a

It was such an awful experience And then When I woke up this morning I went to go take a piss In my bathroom And I flush it And And the whole toilet

Just starts like Just water Like everywhere I was like Did I piss someone off? What is happening? And I'm late for this already I like

I called my publicist. I was like, tell them I'm really sorry. My toilet, like, overflowed. And, yeah. So it was actually at, like, 12.55. No, no, I'm sorry, 11.55. Because it's supposed to be at 12. Yeah.

I looked at Kevin. I was like, you know what? I actually really like when guests are late. Because it means, like, we're friends now. Like, who gives a shit? Like, whatever. Like, I don't know. Show up whenever the fuck you want to show up.

We'll talk. I know. I was like it's so funny to have my publicist call and tell them that my toilet is overflowing. I thought that was like a funny move. Because you make her do your dirty work and lie for you. Yeah. I was like. You could have just told us that you're back on the sauce and you're drunk and you slept

through your alarm and it has nothing. And instead you go through dogs in the sky. And toilets overflowing. I was thinking about that this morning. Because I was like, people get hammered on the road. And I don't. But every time I go, I get fucked up from traveling. I get fucked up. And traveling just kicks your ass?

It kicks my ass. I can't wake up the next day. I'm just like, my voice is gone. I got nodes probably. I don't know. You can stick a camera down my throat. I'm not sure. But like I feel fucked when I get back from the road.

Really? Yeah. I really do. I mean road life is hard, man. Especially if you're in like shitty places and bad food. And I'm just like the worst at getting the tickets. Like I'll just – I'll pay attention to when I'm leaving. But when I'm coming back, I'm just like, oh, that's a price I can do.

And I never pay attention to like it's 4 in the morning I'm coming back, I'm just like, oh, that's a price I can do. And I never pay attention to, like, it's 4 in the morning, you know, and I'm, like, sitting at the airport. Oh, I don't do schedules. Yeah, me either. Was it you? Somebody was telling me about this weekend of your travel. No, I think it was Trent because Trent's, like, you know, very, like, we've got to get there on time. He's like Andy. His plane was taking off in, like minutes and John was like getting another beer

or you were like slowly putting in your ear pods and like you were doing all these little things like let me stop to tie my shoe and let me da da da. And there was a whole crew of people watching you being like, he's going to miss the plane. Why are you guys stressing out? I'm fine. I got it.

I know. Look, if the plane takes off, what's going to happen? I'll just take another plane. Exactly. Who gives a shit? Exactly. People act like planes are like you're buying a house or something. It's fine.

You can get the next plane. They're basically buses. We live in New York City. They leave every two hours. I know. It's crazy how we still, at least I do. I don't know if you guys are just, I think I need to just let go of this. Let me get to the airport four and a half hours early.

Yeah. What the fuck? Like I think one time there was ever a long enough security line that it kind of got tight. But then you just buy clear. By tight I mean like half an hour or two though. Like I've never – I don't think I've ever just missed a flight because I just didn't give the two hours. Dude, I show up at the airport way fucking early just to do Delta Sky Club. I'm fucking all about Delta Sky Club.

If you can do some of the bougie shit, that's like some of the nicer things in my life. It's like I could be in my shitty apartment. Let me go to some of those lounges and bars. I took my sister to Delta Sky Club and she was acting like it was no big deal. And I was like, you fucking bitch. I was like, you ungrateful little whore.

I couldn't believe it. This is the Sky Lounge. I was like, we're in the Sky Lounge and there's a fucking bitch. I was like, you ungrateful little whore. I couldn't believe it. This is the Sky Lounge. I was like, we're in the Sky Lounge and there's a fucking balcony, okay? And she's like, there's food in bags, Rosie. It's not that nice. And I was just like, fuck you. She was acting like I was trashy for thinking it's nice. And I was like, I hope you die on this plane. I hope that your half of the plane falls off. Okay? Well, you got some bougie family, right? They come from some means, right? Yeah, but I've been far removed from that for some time now.

Right, so you are good. Yeah. They're still like, Delta? Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. They're like, ugh. I feel like I... She was telling me that I have, like, Jersey taste now.

Oh, wow. That's the most disrespectful thing you can say about a human. Yeah, it's pretty fucking rude Anyway Mary Stewart If you're listening You weren't named after the Queen of Scots And stop telling everyone you did You were

If we're talking about like Fake bougie This weekend I I took a helicopter to Montauk. I'm sorry, what? Did you say that's fake bougie? That's pretty real bougie. I got this shitty helicopter

to go buy some sneakers. First of all, it's Blade. It's Blade. It wasn't my own helicopter. It's still under the umbrella. It's actually surprisingly not that crazy. It's not expensive to you think of this. And it was like $600. Okay, wait.

When you say it was Blade, what does that mean? It's going down. I keep lying. Yeah. How much was it for real? It was $1,000. It was $1,000. And then I heard $750 and now you're talking $600.

You're going to tell us two more times. He just came close to the car. Knocking shit off the price. The point of all this is, first of all, in the lounge, there was food in bags. And then a woman comes up to you and she's like, would you mind taking a survey? And she's very well dressed and very well put together. Like she was Mary Queen of Scots' aide. And she's like, do you mind if we take a survey?

And I was like, yeah, sure. I'm just chilling. She's like, okay, so you're out here because you own a home i was like no and she's like and our helicopter is your primary means of travel no this is not a survey she is fucking checking to see if you belong that's what i mean she was just motherfucking yeah she asked if i own how many aircrafts i own. Oh my god. See, zero, bitch! I'm on a fucking blade!

How many aircrafts do you own? Is there anyone alive who owns multiple aircrafts? You gotta be big time. If I saw you, I'd be like, either he's in tech, or he's someone's friend. Oh, fuck yeah. This is coming out tomorrow, so we'll do the whole thing here. If I saw you, I'd be like, either he's in tech or he's someone's friend.

Oh, okay. So, oh, fuck yeah. Okay. We'll do this because this is coming out tomorrow. So we'll do the whole thing here. Dude, so the flight out there, everyone on the helicopter looked exactly like someone you would think would be on a helicopter to Montauk. Okay. And then I was in a XXL Fast and Furious t-shirt with a pair of ripped jeans and New Balance.

Honestly, I was picturing slides with socks. I'm kind of proud of you that you wore full shoes. I bet as long as you're the opposite of what you should be, I bet those guys were like, he's a fucking baller. Look at him. He's rolling out of bed and comes on this thing. It's actually one of my favorite lines the guy at Snapchat told us when we were there for a dinner thing, cocktail party thing. Yeah.

You took a helicopter. And we were like, we were in t-shirts and everyone else was in suits. And I was like, I wish you fucking told us what the goddamn dress code was for this thing. And he goes,

he goes, dude, in a room full of t-shirts you want to be the guy in a suit. In a room full of suits you want to be the guy in a t- In a room full of suits. In a room full of suits, you want to be the guy in a t-shirt. Yeah. I was like, okay, that's fucking awesome. Also an excuse to dress like a fucking bomb whenever you want.

There's no way you made that up, but that's fucking sick. It's great. Yeah. It's true. It's totally true. Wow, my pussy twitched when I heard that. I don't know what that was. But as we're taking off, I was like, this would be so sick if we crashed.

Because just to watch you guys panic, like, oh, you have things to live for? I'm taking my seatbelt off. I'm like, let's fucking do it, baby! Also, it's not a bad way to die. He was straddling by helicopter to Montauk, and you're like, yeah, bitch. Well, that's also, we get worried here about if you fly with Dave, because he goes private everywhere now. Yeah.

And that plane crashes, you are just an afterthought. Oh, yeah. You're just the guy on the plane with Dave. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Or, you know, you get death day cucked, like Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. Nobody remembers that Farrah Fawcett died that day. Oh, I definitely knew that.

You've got to be the most famous person to die on your day or the most famous person in your party to die. Otherwise, you are just a fucking nobody. I know. Or the poor people who died on September 11th just from a heart attack. Yeah, and others. They're the others. Right.

I died. I got in a car accident on the Upper West Side. It had nothing to do with anything. Is that Sonny? Like Danny DeVito's brother died on 9-11? Right. I died. I got in a car accident on the Upper West Side. It had nothing to do with anything. Isn't that sunny? Danny DeVito's brother died on 9-11. He died in a car accident on the Upper West Side. So fucking sad. So sad. So wait, toilet disaster. What was going on there?

What do you mean? Because I had a toilet disaster once. Which toilet disaster? This morning? Yes. I don't know. There's fucking towels All over my toilet Right now as we speak I'm gonna go home I'm gonna be like I have to call someone

You probably like Flooded your fucking Down I probably did You just left That situation to come here Yeah no Was Andy home

No Oh my god Andy hasn't been home In decades Andy where are you I literally Please come home There's so much shit

To be done in the apartment He's probably watching this Like extend another two weeks Book some more clubs I ain't coming home This is apartment He's probably watching this like Extend another two weeks Book some more clubs I ain't coming home with this shit He's just doing flips off a cliff again He's like Yeah every time I see him

He's like on swimmingholes.org Doing like a Doing a flip into some fucking That's the second jump where he just He just jumped The first one was like Kind of a cool flip The second one was just

The second one was like A Lady Gaga Super Bowl jump Where like It was just like You know what I mean? I was like, what was that? Yeah, that kind of like spider jump. I was like, that was a little stiff.

That's so funny. I know exactly what you're talking about. I know. I've been waiting to make a joke about that jump for so long. Yeah, he's doing his album at Punchline San Francisco. I got my fucking special coming out. And we're both just like, we have not seen each other for two months. It's crazy.

And it's been the best two months of your life? No, you're secretly in love. You're an asshole to him. You're secretly in love with your husband. First of all, I'm secretly in love with my husband. I don't want to spread the word, but I do. I like him sometimes. But he's like, I also really need Andy in my life.

Like, it's like, there's like a, everything starts to fall apart. Like the, I start being late for things. I can't make flights. You're drinking again. Just say it. You're drinking again. Oh my God. You're back on drugs.

It looks like it. It really does. Like if he were, if you were to follow the steps of my life, when Andy's not around, you're like, she's relapsed. She's absolutely falling apart without him. Isn't it funny? The truth is, isn't it funny the most annoying fucking women always need their men i know i know i need a i need like a conservatorship i actually i if jamie spears is free swap swap i would like out i'd like to put you in i need someone to run my life he won't even notice blonde hair just slide really i mean every time i saw everybody's like free Britney.

And I was like, yes, free Britney so that I can sign up because I need I need someone to run my shit. Hashtag free Britney. Hashtag in prison. Please. God damn. Keith Robinson always says that he wants to fucking put me under a conservatorship. And I'm like, that would be the funniest shit I've ever. Did you hear Bert talking about it? Like, you know, Bert trying to navigate his way through it without knowing

anything about it. And he was like, I think it sounds kind of great. But wait a minute, you can still drink when you're in a conservatorship, right? Yeah, you can't have fun. But the truth is, I don't have fun. I love to sit in my room and watch TV and then if you tell me, like, hey, you gotta do this thing, I'll go, I'll go.

But, like, I don't want to be out or like be partying heavens no no heavens my lord my word no way

we're a big heavens we're a big heavens show heavens no heavens my word I was in a conservatorship until recently were you yeah

it's just called his life his mom my mom under who my mother your mother yeah yeah she was in control

of all of my stuff. What do you mean? Like how? Like I had to ask her for money and stuff. Really? Like, Mom, I need to take a helicopter. Can you send me some money? How long have you had a job where, like, money was getting sent to your mother's bank account?

I need to know how long. Up until like two weeks ago. First of all, it's still a shared bank account. First of all, we haven't gotten a divorce. It still is. You need to get emancipated. Every paycheck that I still currently get, she has. Really?

Yes. Wow. She recently sold it. She had it in a credit union. And your girlfriend knows about this. And she's just like, yeah, that's fine. She knows so many things about him. And yet she still continues this relationship.

I mean, honestly, I feel the same way about Andy. I'm like, you know everything about me and you're still here. What's wrong with you? I should break up with you because there's clearly something wrong with you that you want to be with me. Yeah. No, I mean, like you are twisted. But anyway, that's crazy. It would get put in a credit union in Massachusetts.

So it's not even like I couldn't get it. Of course you're from fucking Massachusetts. I'm such a dumbass. I forgot. That makes perfect sense now. It makes perfect sense. But she recently gave it all to me. She's like, you know what? I'm kind of sick of running to the bank

every time you need money. That's a big step for you. You can have your money. I totally get where you're coming from though. It's so hard. I feel like you'd rather continue. Yeah, which she didn't give it to me, but she still had it. I literally was thinking as I was coming over here, I was across the street, got my coffee.

There were two people in front of me in line that were like just, you know, they were a little fucked up. Like I don't know what was going on with them. They were either on drugs or they were just like disabled. And I was like – and they were just asking so many questions about the coffee. And I was just thinking like I wish death would come. Like I really – this whole life is so hard, and I just started looking at the sky. I didn't say it.

I didn't say I would do it. I said I wish it would come. I'm just saying I wouldn't. I have a whole joke about it right now that I'm working on where I'm like, I'm not suicidal, but I'm not fighting to live. And it's just a very different thing. I'm just a pussy. I just don't have the balls to do it.

Yeah. You know what it is? It's the total polar opposite of when you're, when you're like, we're not trying to have a kid, but like, you know, if it happens, it happens.

Yeah. That's bringing life into the world. This is taking life out. If I get hit by a car, it happens. I'm easy. You know what I mean? I'm not gonna like wire the,

I'm not gonna close the garage and turn the car on. I'm not gonna do all that. I can't bring the toaster into the bathroom. It's not gonna be a production, but if I'm not going to close the garage and turn the car on. I'm not going to do all that. I can't bring the toaster into the bathroom. It's not going to be a production, but if I see traffic coming at a certain pace, I'm not going to walk back too quick. I might just fucking linger. I think this is a jar.

Jar moment. The toilet. Oh, watch. You had it on her? We've got change. We're putting five in. We've got change. It's going to happen a we got changed it's gonna happen a lot that's like we're at the bar and you're like here like here's a 20 just keep the drinks coming it's your tip for the night take care of me exactly take care of me five more i got four more left okay yeah so it's one of those things right and i think it happened more during the pandemic where it was like every day was the same.

The days were going by slow as fuck and the months were going by like real quickly, you know? And I was just like, what is the meaning of this? And I would go on the road. I was doing the road during the pandemic and it was obviously in towns where people were like, yeah, I've never heard of COVID. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

And I would just start asking the crowds. I was like, why am I here? just middle of my show not funny just why why are we doing this like please someone help me understand what the purpose of this is because it feels so like to be like a clown right now it's like being like like a trader joe's employee on 9-11. Like, I'm just like, I know I'm supposed to, like, smile at people, but what the fuck are we doing? What are we doing? Yo, thank God this special is done and all that stuff, because you are off the fucking reservation right now. I'm like, what is happening? I think you need to go, like, on a vacation or just chill or something.

People look at me and they go like, why are you like this? And I'm like, am I the only one who experienced this shit? Oh, we should all be doing this. But this is the difference between someone who actually doesn't drink and someone who does. It's like people who drink can change their attitude whenever they want. I just am like in this.

That's it, yeah. You know what I mean? Whatever mood I'm in, I just got to like lean into it. That's tough. Yeah. That is tough. Yeah. That is tough. Yeah. Also, it's like, yeah, because if you drink, you can just go, you know, take the edge off.

Also, if you drink too much, you at least have an ace in your sleeve. Like, well, if I do give up drinking, this is just it for you. No, yeah. This is as good as it gets. If I can't make a noon appointment at Barstool, and I'm sober sober like it's like that is that's gotta be i don't know how to explain that to people i can't explain that to people i'm like i i called my publicist i was like well actually as a matter of fact yeah you really can't because you started with a trip to the fucking california a week earlier yeah you could not explain it to us no

i really could made no sense well it was it was to give you an idea of how of like why i was so fucking stressed yeah you know what i mean to give you an idea of how, of like why I was so fucking stressed. You know what I mean? To give you an idea of like what had happened the day before. It's a miracle you're here. Yeah. I can't believe you didn't just say, I'm drowning in my toilet. I'll see you never.

Put my head in the air. Give myself a swirly till I'm fucking dead. And then I like ran past the fucking dog daycare place and just threw mouse in the door. I was like, take her. Drive by. I don't even know if I'm going to go back. Honestly, she might live there now. I actually thought I was going to miss the interview,

but at least I took mushrooms and drank whiskey last night. Wait, you thought you were going to miss it? You did mushrooms last night? Yeah. On a motherfucking Sunday? Yeah. I mean, it was like chocolates. Mushrooms are great for a Sunday.

Yeah. It was awesome. I watched Stranger Things on mushrooms. It's the Lord's Day and you're getting to know God. Yeah, the hell of a night. Yeah. Yeah. But I was like, I woke up at like 8 o'clock, but I was like, I watched Stranger Things on mushrooms. It's the Lord's Day and you're getting to know God. Yeah, a hell of a night. Yeah. Yeah. But I was like, I woke up at like 8 o'clock.

I think you've got to lean into this. What? Mushrooms. I take them all the time. I think you've got to make your brand. I think if this podcast was just like the fucking weird guy and the mushrooms guy, it would be better. I think we'd have some more. Listen to Kevin.

Don't threaten me With a good time You know we always We always struggle Because we started this show So long ago Like what's your podcast It's just a podcast Now everyone has We do hockey

And we do this And pop culture And sport You know Everything specialized And so we don't have a hook Yeah The mushrooms guy

Yeah Constantly on mushrooms Yeah Boy that's an undertaking Stop being a pussy. Like four times a week I've taken mushrooms. You're just like a guy who's like walking

in all the time. Actually, this podcast, I love doing mushrooms, but listening to people talk about mushrooms is a fucking nightmare. That's like the worst. They start to talk about how everything is like, it's like talking to a mom. You know what I mean?

Where they're like, yeah, if you, you don't even understand. Right, right, right. You're like, ugh. I have a fucking brain. Yes, I do. I can get it. People on mushrooms and new moms are the same people. Yeah, yeah.

They're literally like, you don't understand how spiritual. Rescue moms? They're like, mom's just rescued a dog. Same thing. Like, oh, I don't know if they saved me or I saved. That's different. Oh, I hate that. You think it's different? That's different different that's because you're one of them and you said that Mouse rescued you no Mouse is a fucking

no take it Mouse is like Mouse is not a rescue like I've had her since she was 8 weeks old I fucked her up like it's my fault Mouse needs to be rescued I'm like I fucked Mouse up That's why she's

Shitting in her crate Like I'm rebelling Against this bitch She's just like Ah this bitch Will take care of it You know what I mean She just assumes

You know And also Andy Was like Like when Mouse Was like two pounds Andy would just Throw her in the air And just be like

Woo And I was like You're fucking her up Like that's her whole body That you're doing that to That's her whole body that you're doing that to. That's her whole world. Yeah. She's terrified.

I went fishing this weekend, and I put the line in the water for four minutes. And I was like, this is stupid. I'm just going to reel it up and drink. We are not fishing people. Yeah, I'm not a fishing guy. No. But I was watching people catch fish,

and then the boat was a pretty big boat. So they had to get reeled in really far. And then they were like, ah, it's not big enough. And then just throw it back. What an afternoon for that guy. Does he have any idea what's fucking happening to him? Is he just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait.

What the fuck? Yeah. My mouth really fucking hurts. Back in the ocean. My dad is really into fishing and any sort of endangered fish. I feel like your dad probably like has hunted humans. It's always like, dude, every time I call my dad, he's doing some fucking Republican activity.

He's like, he's just like, yeah, we were shooting warthogs out of the sky today in a helicopter. And I'll be like, what? That's that's a little fucked up. You know what I mean? Like, you guys seem to have the advantage there. And he's he literally said to me, he goes, they're too smart. He goes, you got to get rid of them. They're too smart.

And I was like, I don't even know what that means. That's horrifying. You got to eradicate them. He's like, you got to get rid of them. They're all over the place. And, you know, it's fine. They can't feel it. I know.

We learned about that. I mean, they can. Sydney just did that. We have a Barstool Outdoors chapter where this girl does all any sort of outdoors hunting, whatever, and there's just tons of them, and they fuck up the crops. So they're just very quick to be like, they've painted these feral hogs as if they are the army of Satan. We must eradicate them.

It's like, okay, I don't doubt you, but also you just love flying helicopters and lighting these things up. Yeah, no. I'm not doing the service. You just like to play video games. And I'll be honest with you. I mean, it's fun. Have you done it?

No, but my dad knows how to have fucking fun. I will say that. We don't get along all the time, but when I go visit him, he's always just like, you guys want to go shoot? You know what I mean? And we'll just go fucking, there's just a range where he lives, and we just go shoot those fucking clay pigeons. Yeah, yeah.

Are you good at that? I'm okay. I'm not like, I first learned to shoot a gun when I was eight years old. Yeah. So, because I went to fucking Christian camp in Texas, and that's like what you did. It was like we'd go to church and then go shoot. Christian camp in Texas?

Yes. They'd have you dressed in all white with like charm bracelets and then you'd go off to riflery and just target practice as an eight year old girl. It sounds like you were like a militant jihadist. You know what? It's not too far from it, man.

If you said your Bible and you'd shoot. No, it's not at all. It's not that different. You say your Bible and you shoot your shit. It's like the same thing. You know, just fucking fire. I know. That's why I feel bad

for like mass shooters that like do the, they do the, they do the fucking. Red review's over. See ya. Stop right there. They do the fucking manifesto

and then they won't call them terrorists, but I'm like, they did the work. Yeah, give them the credit. Give them the fucking credit. I'm like, you won't call them that, but I'm like, they did the work. Give them the credit. Give them the fucking credit. I'm like, you won't call them that because they're white, but if you look at what they're doing, they've really done a lot of work.

If I was them, I'd be like, they won't even fucking call me a terrorist. It's just like, anyway. Call me a good family man who just had a bad day. Have you seen that guy who just recently killed his kids in California? No. Which guy? He's a surfing instructor who, like, killed his two children.

Where did he live in California? Probably Monterellas. San Diego, yeah. Really? No, I don't know. Oh, shit. Can we find out? He was a QAnon nut who said he thought they were going to grow up to be monsters.

Yeah, they had demons spawn and whatever. But, like, every article that's been tweeted about this family is just them like on vacation. Sunset picture. And it's like – Sitting on his lap. It's like, yeah, he brutally murdered his two toddlers. And wife? No, I think it was just the kids.

No, it was just the kids. But I think it's good to show that QAnon people look like that. That they're like – They're totally – Like my hairdresser joined QAnon. No way. Yeah. Oh, this is actually,

okay. You're a living, breathing ATI question. Yeah. So what did you, did you, first of all, do you like her as a hairdresser? She was great.

Okay. So every time you walk out of there, your hair is like on point. Yeah. She was, she was my hairdresser for five years. Why did you, why are you saying was,

are you done now because she's a QAnon nut? Would that stop you? Listen, I agreed for about three months i was like i just played the game really while she had this so that was kind of that was the other question is like a lot of people follow up like well do i have to participate can i just sit there while they ramble at first you don't know what's happening at first they start saying things that make a lot of sense they start going you know you really have to this is what they say they go you got to start doing your own research now when i hear a lot of sense. They start going, you know, you really have to, this is what they say, they go, you gotta start doing your own research. Now when I hear that

question I go, uh-oh. You're crazy. You know what I mean? But at first I was like, yeah, of course. Yeah, I guess, you know. But then, after a while, you're like, oh, this bitch isn't killing her. You know what I mean? They start going like, I have this, I read this article and then they show you the article

and it's a meme. That's not an article. And then like so i was putting the pieces together and then as i was realizing it i was like if i call her on this shit i don't want to upset her her nervous system because she does have a pair of scissors and these are my bangs so i was like yeah you're making a lot of good points. Absolutely. I sold myself out. Totally reptilian overlord. Yes, absolutely. I did the same thing. I think there was someone said something racist on a talk show recently. I guess that's what people do. Yeah.

And people got mad because the host laughed. But that's what I do. Yeah, you're just kind of in that setting. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you kind of keep it moving. But you could say anything you wanted to me, and I'd agree with you. Yeah.

I wouldn't even hesitate. The man has such little conviction about anything. Dude, I'm the same way. I don't think you are. During the pandemic, I was. Not like this man. During the pandemic, I absolutely was. Anything and everything flies.

If I met somebody and they were like, oh, I haven't seen anybody in months, I'd be like, yeah, me too. I'm like, this is crazy. And then I'd meet somebody who was like, you can't wear a mask all the time. And I'd be like, yeah, me too. I'm like, this is crazy. And then I'd meet somebody who was like, you can't wear a mask all the time. And I'd be like, yeah, that's crazy. I just fully had no spine at all when it came to that shit. It's mirroring. I'm like, I want you to like me.

I'm just going to do what you want me to do. A hundred percent just like people pleasing the fuck out of everyone and having no spine. And just, I'm like trying to survive in a world where if you don't have a hard opinion on something, you're just, like, a no one. Like, I was, it's the weirdest thing. Because I do think that most people fall somewhere on the line of, like, between this extreme and this one. Yeah, of course.

But, like, we're not the loud ones. So we just have to, like, fully, like, play the game between the two like crazy people in the family and that's really what it is it's like if you if you ever grew up in a family where people fought all the time which if you're from my family yeah clearly yeah it's like pure chaos you just learned how to fucking play the game it was like a it was like a political game yeah you know it's and yeah it's it's and you you decide which side of the room is stronger you're like you know i'm gonna go with these guys and of the room is stronger. You're like, you know what, I'm going to go with these guys. And then a few people leave and you're like, actually, you know what, I'm with these guys

These guys make a really good point too. It's like, it's the curse of being able to comprehend two opposing views, right? And people just don't have that anymore or like won't use it. They just shut off that part of their brain. Yeah. It's not that we're pussies. It's that we're smarter. Honestly, I do think that's true off that part of their brain. Yeah. It's not that we're pussies. It's that we're smarter. Honestly, I do think that's true.

I also agree with you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, anybody who's like, this is how we did it, I'm just like, all right, well, either you're just creating a character for yourself or you're just fucking stupid. But also, I am a pussy. Yeah. Very well documented.

I just, because the interview we were going to do earlier today, she was really late because of made-up stuff. So I ended up having some... What kind of bitch is late for made-up shit? That's crazy. So I had some time to kill because Kevin had to do something in here. So I gave him the room and I left. And I just went across the street to the bar. And I had a beer, had some lunch.

Yeah. And this woman came and sat down next to me. And she sat there for a few minutes quietly. And then just goes, hey, you know, my boyfriend just left me hanging. Would you mind grabbing me a drink? And I was like, sure, whatever you want. Yeah, grab you a drink. She goes, and maybe a little bit of food?

And I was like, okay, what do you want? And she goes, a cheeseburger. And also some fries. And I was like, well, of course. I mean, that's not crazy. You're going to get the fries with it. Fights calls his mom. He's like, hey, can you transfer $20?

And then she, and I just thought it was like a random, like I believe like her boyfriend left her, stole her purse, whatever. Okay, see that's, I would never in my life believe that shit. Yeah, go ahead. And as she gets up to go to the bathroom, the bartender comes over and she goes, that was really nice of you. Like usually I kick those people out, but like it looks like she really needs it. And I was like, what do you mean, those people?

And she goes, oh, that's a prostitute. And I was like, never for a second did that cross my mind. And it didn't matter. I was going to buy it for her no matter what it was because I'm a pussy. That girl was probably thinking, I've got to fucking jerk this guy off in the bathroom now. And then she just got up and left, and she was like, there is such a thing as a free life. It's true. I got up and left exceptionally fast because I thought I was in the process.

I was like, I'm too much trying to touch my dick. Fuck this. And guess what? It would be too much of a pussy to say no to that one too. Like, oh,

fine, I'll fuck you. To jerk somebody off for french fries is just not enough. I'm sorry. I don't know what the going rate is here. Fries is not it, though. Fucking French fries?

Absolutely not. And how about this? What do you think she got for a drink? I thought this was a wild order from a prostitute. Wait, what time was it? It was like 11 a.m. I think 12.30, 1 o'clock.

I'm going to think... Chardonnay? Fucking close. You're in the right liquor or the right alcohol. I was going to say, I think wine makes sense. close. You're in the right liquor or the right alcohol. I was going to say, I think wine makes sense. It's Merlot. I thought it was a little weird.

Merlot with a cheeseburger and fries is a little bit bizarre. Yeah. Merlot is a dinner wine. But you know what that is? That's like probably her favorite wine, and she can't believe that this sucker just agreed to doing this. So she was like, let me cash in. Yeah.

We cash in on a Merlot at an Irish bar. Listen, for her, that's a time. For her, it was a great $12 bottle. For her, brother? She's probably walking around the rest of the day just with fucking red wine teeth and that's unfortunate for her.

I just started thinking, like, why are you doing that? That's right. I bet she doesn't have red wine teeth for long. Yeah, yeah. She'll wash it out. So wait, do you think that you're probably flooding your bathroom right now as we speak?

Listen. Were you one of these, like, I'm just going to leave this situation and hope that it goes away? This is what I did. I took the top of the toilet off. I pulled the chain. That made it worse. So I stopped.

And then- Is this overflowing? Yeah, it was just stopped and then is this overflowing or yeah it was just water it was like yeah yeah yeah overflowing with water and uh and so i just shoved towels around the bottom of it and i was like i have to leave this and then just started putting on makeup i cannot deal with that is the that a, like, it's the symbolism of life there where it's just like, this is a catastrophe. Right. And I'm just going to choose to ignore it. It's outside of my realm of control. There's so many situations in my life like that where I'm just like, okay, this has to be left to God.

And I have to go forward with the rest of my day. Yes. Truly, it's in God's hands. Yeah. Whatever happens, happens. Yeah. It's just disaster after disaster. And that's what it feels like.

Like never, I never have like a small disaster. It's always like, it always happens big. You know what I mean? It's like my dog shits in the crate. I'm cleaning up. And while I'm cleaning up, she shits on the floor. And then I get, it's just, there's so much shit that happens like that you know where i just it's never like a small thing where i get to just move on it's always just like i i have to show up and

be like my whole life's in pieces and people are like that's not an excuse and i'm like yeah but if i told you the whole story you'd shoot yourself you know know? It also is an excuse. It's an excuse. Everything, I think every excuse is an excuse. I think everything is fair. Say it again? Every excuse is an excuse. I think everything's fair. That's really deep. That's fucking deep. It's mushroom stalking.

Do you remember the... When people used to get in fights, they'd be like, sorry, I was drunk. That's not an excuse. It's an excuse. It's my reason. There's a reason why something's happening. That's a fair excuse. Sorry, I was shit-faced.

Or that maybe doesn't let you off the hook, but it's like, there's a reason why this happened. I wasn't just doing it for fun. Something caused this. I'm not saying I should get to murder if I had a few beers, but it explains things. Right. That's it. Again, it's not like you don't have to forgive me for it or something. But you probably fucking should.

Well, in some cases, sure. The whole excuse is an excuse thing is why you pay for a prostitute's lunch without asking any questions as well. You're like, oh, her boyfriend stood her up. Okay. An excuse is an excuse. How about – I've been telling everybody this. I think this is my new litmus test for absolutely batshit crazy. Okay.

Somebody came up to him and said, I like your sneakers. And he gave them to him. Took them off of his feet and they traded sneakers. You gave him. They traded shoes on the spot. A stranger. And they were very nice sneakers. Wait, his sneakers were nice?

No. John's were nice. Why did you trade? Because he needed to walk out of there. He couldn't walk out of there barefoot. Yeah, he's... Hold on a second. Why?

Is that not like the craziest behavior you've ever heard? Wait, who is this guy? Don't know, some guy in Detroit. It was like a barstool event, and a fan came up to him. Oh, it was a fan. He was like, nice shoes, man. I don't think this guy was a fan. No, we were in a bar.

I mean, it was at. Oh, really? We were in a bar in fan. He was like, nice shoes, man. I don't think this guy was a fan. No, we were in a bar. I mean, it was at. Oh, really? We were in a bar in Detroit. It was near. I can't believe it. I thought it was a fan because I was like, this man is so obsessed with just pleasing people in whatever way possible that I thought he was a fan. He might have been a fan.

Okay, let me say this about Barstool fans, though. There's something about Barstool fans where though. They're very, there's something about Barstool fans where I, like, they tug at your heartstrings a little bit. Like, there was a guy that listens to your guys' podcast that came to see me at the DC Improv, like, a couple months ago, and I ran into him right before the show, and I had to, like, let Mouse piss, because otherwise she was going to piss in the green room.

And I was like, he was like, can we get a picture together? I was like, yeah, definitely, but, like, can we do a picture together? I was like, yeah, definitely. But like, can we do it right after the show? And I never came out after the show. I forgot. And I've thought about it for two months since.

That's never happened. That's never happened before where I was like, oh, fuck, I didn't get it. Like, there's something about Barstool fans where you're like, I want to help you.

I want to fucking... Rescue. I want to make your day better. You know what I mean And that's not a diss I guess I don't know but as long as you feel that way It's not a diss at all It's like they're just like

So supportive that you're like I love you You know what I mean We're talking about Barstool Sports Yeah They're supportive as fuck They're supportive for you maybe They also hate you. Oh, yeah.

Well, every podcast has its own, you know. Like, there's a fucking rebel crew or whatever that just, like. Somebody else just said this recently, too, though. They're rooting for your success, but they're also somehow simultaneously rooting for your failure. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's, no, it's like, oh, I like Rosebud because I heard her on that podcast that I fucking trash and hate all the time. But I'll be super nice to her.

It's like you become friends with someone who you introduce and then they become friends. No, wait a minute. Fuck you guys. Right. That's this bullshit. Where's my support? I know. Same with my podcast.

It's like people go, they've chosen to, because me and Andy are constantly battling, they're always choosing a side. And so whenever they pick Andy's side, they're coming after me. And I'm like, well, fuck you. I don't want to start at this bit. So there's a thing where you have your podcast listeners are more like family than they are like fans. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

That's really what it is. You'll be polite to strangers. And then you're like, fuck you to your family member. Yeah. It's like those are the people you should be polite to like strangers And then you're like fuck you to your family member Yeah yeah yeah There's love there but anywhere there's love There's just Simmering hatred Yeah Pure disdain

Pure absolute disdain I really can't stop thinking about just this toilet And how much of a disaster you're going to be walking home to I truly I feel like she left the oven on I really can't stop thinking about just this toilet and how much of a disaster you're going to be walking home to. I truly – I feel like she left the oven on. It's going to be like inflamed. Just sell it. Put it on Zillow right now.

I might not go home. I might just walk into the Hudson. Three bucks left. It's over. Just keep going. Yeah, I keep looking at this fucking astronaut on the wall. I'm like, God, it seems peaceful up there. Yeah.

You need to get on one of those Bezos flights and be like, just let me go. I know. Just blast me out of this little hatch or some shit. How did you guys feel about the Bezos thing, about him going to outer space? There's a lot of people were mad about that. I don't care one way or the other, but I liken it to study abroad kids who say they lived in France. I was like, well, you didn't really live there. So you went to France, and you did it for a little bit longer than most people did.

You didn't go to space. You went a little higher than most people do. Right. It's not quite the same. Yeah. I know what you're saying, but I also think it's kind of crazy that we are. They went up. They were weightless for four minutes.

No. I think it was that long. I thought it was even less than that. It was likeless for four minutes no i think it was that long i thought it was like three or four minutes yeah but like it was like 11 minutes total and three or four minutes were like actually went on a ride no gravity right yeah and i get that but the fact that we're kind of discounting that like this dude just was like i'm gonna build a spaceship on my own and go to space like nasa wasn't doing that that wasn't the government that was just a dude just was like, I'm going to build a spaceship on my own and go to space. Like, NASA wasn't doing that. It wasn't the government. That was just a dude who was like, I'll do it myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty fucking crazy. Yeah, but he's also a week late. Branson did it for his kids. I know, but you know what? Like, it does, like, don't be talking about Branson. He's Australian. Yeah, and he's gay.

Also, he did it himself. He's kind of the OG of this shit, you know? Like, I don't know why he doesn't get as much love, but it's Bezos, and then when Elon Musk does, you know, whatever, he'll supersede Bezos, you know? Right. He's why he doesn't get as much love but it's bezos and then when elon musk does you know whatever he he'll he'll supersede bezos you know right pecking order this shit but yeah i also there's something about it that like i don't give a shit you know what i mean but it makes me think about like the whole i was just like everybody's so fucking mad about this because for the same reason that when i see like a billionaire teenager on a private jet talking about imposter syndrome, I'm like, you know, where they're like, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve all this success. I'm like, yeah, you don't.

The reason you feel that is because you don't. Yeah, I get so fucking mad. And it's jealousy. It's like no one will just be like, I'm fucking jealous. Right. Oh, that's what I say all the time about like the tiktokers and shit i'm like i i you openly have way more followers and way more money and you know a brighter future and i hate that well i wouldn't say brighter because the more money you give to a child the more fucked up their life's

gonna be yes that is true but i also don't like the fact that like they will they can just like go to netflix and be like i want to do they will, they can just like go to Netflix and be like, I want to do a special because I can like dance on TikTok. And they're like, okay, sure. So there's opportunities and shit. But yeah, we always say that you're going to wrap your car around a tree going 160 soon. Yeah. And that will be the final like, ha ha.

Who's going to have the last laugh? Yeah. Right. This guy right here. Well, but also it's like, you know, live like, really? Are you going to laugh while you live out your mediocre life? We talk about the sweet release of death. They got it.

They got it, you know? I know. Let's not forget we have a sausage to put money in every time we talk about killing ourselves. So that's where we're at. While they're burning alive, they get to laugh. My life is in fourth gear of sadness. There's fifth gear wrapped around a tree dude i was thinking about this because uh you know the um that building in miami that collapsed yeah that's

crazy so i knew somebody who lived in that building who went to acting school with me and i hadn't talked to her in years and uh and it was like she's the wife of a very prominent politician and when i read this my first thought was, holy fucking shit, she's, like, gone. Right? And then the second thought was, and she still did better than me. I was like, this bitch. How'd she meet a fucking politician? Like, that was my second thought.

I was just like, how the fuck? God damn. She's looking over at Andy. She's dead. Looking at her life. What the fuck is this? I was just like, I'm jealous of a dead woman I was like why am I do it what the fuck that is true no yeah I was like yeah she's gone oh she's gone oh she's gone she's gone and her husband made more money She's fully gone. I thought you were going to be like, it turns out she was on vacation in California. No, no, no. She's dead. She's dead. She got wiped away.

She's gone. Got wiped away. And her husband made more money than mine. I mean, honestly, she's going to have a better funeral than me. She is. She was beautiful, too. She was one of these insanely hot women. When we were in acting school, I was like, this bitch is going to take off.

She's going to do great. And she did even better. She married a politician. That's going to do great. And she did even better. She married a politician. That's the way to go. If you're in acting school now, if you're listening, if you're just like, I want to be an actress, don't do it. Just find someone with a shitload of cash and just live out your dreams until a building falls on you. I don't know what to tell you. She really tore it down.

You know, the problem with new money is they don't check the structure. They don't do their inspections. Yeah, they don't do their inspections very well. Oh, boy, this is morbidly dark. I know, it's fucked up. I'm so sorry. I've said some things today. I didn't have a second to just be like, this is okay to say and this isn't.

I did say I feel bad for mass shooters, didn't I? Yeah, that was the beginning of the interview. I want to retract that right now. There's a better way to say that, to set that up. But here we are. When's the special? The special comes out on Wednesday. So tomorrow by the time you're listening to this.

And I hope it's bringing the energy that this is bringing. I hope it's bringing the most erratic, like if you have anxiety and you're listening to this right now, you're probably like, oh my God, oh my God. And I hope the special is the same fucking way. Let me tell you something. The special is they picked a, like they were like, you got to pick a joke to do a joke to put out as a trailer. And so every joke that I suggested, they were like, we would suggest not using that as the trailer. And this is who? This is Comedy Central.

Okay. Well, it was my manager, but then I'm pretty sure he was talking to them. You know what I mean? It was one of those situations where I was like, somebody else is on the other line. And he was like, yeah, maybe don't do that one. Maybe don't put that out. So they picked a joke that, even though I like the joke, I put it in the special. It's such a, it's kind of alienating to, like, men that are listening.

You know what I mean? Because it's this whole joke about how, like, somebody explained to me. Paint? Paint? Yeah. Oh, fuck that. And it was like one of those things where, no, but me yeah and um and it was like and it was like one of those things where no but i kind of get that it was like the caption that they put it out with was like it may surprise men that women know things and i was like ew i would never i

would never talk like that you know what i mean first of all it's not 2001 second like it's such a sassy like men and women are different like i'm just like that's not how my jokes have more dog is so funny yeah yeah yeah i'm like there's stuff in there that i feel like everybody would like and um and so i i kind of am like trying to let people know that's not the way i even shared the fucking caption was like this captions bullshit but so they if you wanted to could you have said like i'm going with a different video like are you like you have to play ball with no i could have i just like here's the thing i'm not i don't have the uh the spine or the wherewithal to like do it to like go to go to battle like there's so much like every person that i know who's fighting for jokes,

they're like, they're just jokes. And I'm like, are you hearing yourself? Because that also applies to you. You know what I mean? Right. You're getting all fucking riled up too. Yeah. I'm like, if they're just jokes,

then fucking relax. Yes, I agree. I agree. The comedy world, I think Whitney Cummings has been beating the drum the loudest, being like, we're, meaning comics, keeping the cancel culture shit alive by constantly talking about it or being dramatic about it or fighting the fight and winning the war.

Right. Yeah. You're just as annoying as they are. You're saying the opposite shit. Yeah, and sometimes it's people's bread and butter. Like, it's the way they get their fans in a fucking, and then their fans make the most noise and it's like i see it works right right but it's like we can't not that's the trump model you're just copying trump for sure that's that's what you're doing right but honestly it works it works it's annoying but you know 100 works and and if that's

what you want your your life to be, great. It works at what cost? Where like every day is just like dragging. A fight. Not even like a fight but it's like you have to I think about it with listening to talk radio sometimes. Sports talk radio. Where I'm like

in Boston they got mad about Brady not wearing his Patriot rings to the Buccaneers ring ceremony. And I'm like, can you really yell at us for four hours? And you're going to go home and try and be happy? There's no fucking chance. It's exhausting to try and think of even that spin zone

that you're angry that a guy didn't wear rings to a ring ceremony. Right. First of all, what are you his fucking wife? Relax. Why would he wear Patriot rings to a buccaneer ring it wouldn't make any sense yeah and they're like and i was like it just sounds like such an exhausting life getting mad every finding something to get mad at every yeah i uh i think it was somebody told me that that uh seven percent or like 70 of political tweets are actually created by like seven percent

of twitter and that's like that kind of blew my fucking mind because I was like oh my god they're so fucking loud because when I go on Twitter I mean Twitter is a much smaller subset of like the world in general and then those people are a small subset of that oh it's just like 62 people

yeah you think this massive fucking drama is happening and then you get out in the world and people people have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Every now and then, I get myself in Twitter shit a lot, and then I'll call him. When I really think I've stepped in it, and I'm like, do I have to apologize or delete or whatever, I'll call him, and he'll be like, oh, I didn't even. I'll just launch into my apology or whatever, and he's like, I don't even know what you're talking about. And I'm like, oh, okay, good. this is just this is just like my little timeline and my little bubble and like yeah you need to remind yourself that it's not happening i was like a kid

i'll never forget first of all this isn't advice that you want from your mother but when i would be freaking out that somebody was mad at me my mom would always say this she'd always go nobody's thinking about you yeah yeah like yeah i'd be like okay coming from coming from you, hurtful. But. Not even me. Not even me or your father. What the fuck? Nobody's thinking about you, Rosebud. It's true, though. It's true.

Nobody's fucking thinking about you. And who do you think you are that everybody, you have to make a fucking public apology to the world? Right. It's crazy. It's like an iPhone notes thing. Right. Yeah, it's a high school cafeteria.

When you kind of panic walking in. Everyone's going to see me. Where the fuck should I sit? Nobody. No one even noticed you walked in the room, man. Yeah. If you're building collapsed today, nobody would even know. Right.

No. I did it yesterday. Because you didn't marry a politician. I did it yesterday at the airport where I was like, it's a very, very small airport, obviously, and there were probably like seven employees, and I had to take a dump. And I was like, they're going to fucking know. They're going to know I'm a human being who poops. Who has excrement in his body.

This is going to be so embarrassing, but I have to before I get on the flight. But I really don't want them to know that I poop. That's one of the weirdest things that we do. You don't shit in public? Is that what the thing is? I don't usually. I don't know if I can avoid it. Sounds like you're coming around on the idea, though.

Well, in emergencies, sure. I didn't plan it. I don't either. I literally can't. It's crazy. The first character in body shits. Well, John also shits like three times a month. Really?

I like never shit. Dude, same. I'm like, yeah, i like never shit dude same yeah no something's wrong with me yeah something's wrong sounds better coming from you than it does from him like because with him i'm like i think your body needs to shit dude like i've seen what you put in there on a daily basis and it's got to get out yeah it's just sugar candy and sugar liquor and that's why i think that's why it's because both of us eat like we're at a child's birthday party you know what i mean it's just a fucking steel trap in there like i have i have girlfriends that are like yeah i just like i want to make sure that i'm keeping everything balanced

like my alkaline levels are and i'm like i have no idea what the fuck that is probiotics yeah sure that the ph balance like what the fuck are you talking about what's a swedish fish in a bag of doritos have like how's that yeah right i It's like an alkaline level of that. Right. I'm just like, I think if you just looked in there, it would just be like iPhones. It's like a shark's stomach. You know what I mean? There's like fucking.

There's a license plate. Yeah. There's just like. A shoe. There's a fucking hook. I don't know what's in there, but it's not good. Yesterday, I was eating Mexican food, and a bunch of it landed on my phone. And I looked at it, and I knew I had dropped my phone on the floor of that very airport bathroom.

And I still went, oh. No! Oh, my God. I wasn't going to tell anyone that. You probably should have kept that one in the holster. That's worse than what I said about mass shooters. That's worse. That's bad.

It was just chicken. It was a nice clump of chicken and rice, and I was like, I don't have a napkin around, and I want to use my phone more. They say that your phone, even if you don't directly drop it on a fucking bathroom floor, they say your phone collects all of the germs in the whole world. Yeah. You were just sucking on the last three months of germs in your life. Yeah, it's crazy.

It's not a bad thing. It's a fairly new phone. Oh. Okay, you're good then. I got it probably within the last month. My phone's so fucked. Mike Cannon threw me in a pool like two weeks ago. You know what?

I think if you throw people in a pool this day and age, you're an asshole. Fucking Mike Cannon, you're a fucking asshole. There's just too much to lose these days. It was crazy. I held my phone up. The first thing that came up was I held the phone up and I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck. And I knew that I was going to have to promote

the special and shit coming up. And I was like, this is so fucked, right? And then the phone started working. But because it's cracked, water got in. And it was too late for me to get money from him. You know what I mean? I was just like, I can't ask him for money now. So I know I bought a phone.

But I don't know where I bought it. And I was checking through my emails last night. And I was like, I don't even know where I bought this new phone from. And I could have just given $500 to somebody. I don't know. I don't know. It's supposed to be at my house now. Wait, what do you mean?

Didn't you just buy it from Apple? I thought I did, but I checked my Apple receipts and it's not there. So I probably just gave somebody money. This is what I'm saying. Did you try to buy it on Craigslist or something? I think I might have bought it through AT&T or through, I don't know.

You actually, you should just go to the Apple store because they, you gotta, they just give you the phones for free. It's crazy.

They just roll it into your monthly, so yeah, you eventually pay for it, but they will just give you that ship for free. But I don't know.

We're gonna charge you extra 15 bucks a month for like two years. Yeah, alright, whatever. Dude, it's bad. It's really bad.

I don't know where the fuck the phone is. I mean, I for sure, like, probably gave somebody money in Russia. You need a consensorship. You really do need a consensorship. I do. I really do.

This is what I'm talking about. I need someone to help me. But I think it does provide some great material for your life. Just that everything's fucking falling apart all the time. God, you are a comet. I know. Because if this was your life and you were just like, I work in like. Finance.

Yeah. I work in PR. No, there's no possible. I do like data entry. This is the thing. This is why comics get so upset about like things falling apart for them. Like about like TikTokers getting specials. It's like, this is the only choice that we have.

There's nowhere else we can go. You understand? You are fucking throwing orphans on the street. Like every time Netflix gives a special to a TikToker, an orphan goes hungry. That's how you have to think about it. We're fucked. We can't survive outside of this. If you had to do something else, what else would you have done?

I always think about this. Constantly, I think about it. Because trust me, if there was anything else, I would do it. I really would. And I thought about, like, maybe interior design because I love that shit. Oh, yeah. You were tweeting about that or Instagramming about that recently. I love interior design.

It's my favorite thing. I love to, like, it's kind of like joke writing because it's a balance of left and right brain. You're, like, you're designing something, but there's rules's rules around it and everything has to kind of there's a weird thing that has to happen for everything to come together like so i i look at it like that but i can't do it because you'd have to like i don't know talk to people and get along with them and then they'd have to trust you with their money which is a whole other thing. I think they also it's very like

unless they just like you know trust you and like go do it but I feel like it's a lot of suggestions and if people were to not agree with you

I feel like you'd be like well then fuck you design it yourself. 100%. You know like this is the right way to do it I know what I'm talking about you don't

and you disagree with me fuck you. Yeah it's like inviting the audience in to speak to talk back at the jokes. Right right. I tell the jokes here you shut with me? Fuck you. Yeah, it's like inviting the audience in to speak, to talk back at the jokes. Right, right. I tell the jokes here.

You shut the fuck down. Yeah. I don't have the impulse control to be somebody that has to build a clientele. No, not at all. This is a very strange business where we are rewarded for all of the shitty parts of our personalities. Yes, yes. And there's nowhere else that that works. Right.

This is it. I mean, and as much as you're saying like that's like we put all our eggs in this basket so it has to work. Yeah. It's also kind of comforting where it's like. Yeah. When shit goes wrong, I'm like, oh, okay. Well, you know, I got that podcast on.

Right. You know? Yeah. Or like especially with like still being a sports fan is like the worst thing about my personality. I hate it so much. I wish I could just let go of it. Why?

Because it's stupid and pointless, and it's bad for my mental health, and it's stupid. It's like I care so greatly about these guys running around the field. Right. It's so dumb. But at least I can, when the Mets are really bad and the Jets are really bad, I make these dumb T-shirts, and I can cash in on things and I can like, I can go on this rant that might go viral.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're just a regular fucking guy, you're not capitalizing on it in any way. It's like, then what? You're just fucking miserable. Casually stand by the water cooler at the office the next day. Just motherfucking everything. Just hoping to see someone you could rant to. Yeah, right, right.

What the fuck was that? Right. If you did bin again at like a regular office, if, right. What the fuck was that? Right. If you did Vinny Van at like a regular office, if you were just a guy who was saying this to somebody at their cubicle, they'd be like,

someone put him in a hospital. Yes. Someone. These are the ramblings of an insane man. Yeah, they'd be like, I think he did a line before he got to work today

and he's off the rails. Like, it's bad. Speaking of which, the coffee is like fucking really... No, that was exaggerated, right? No, yeah. Okay, but it's not speaking of which the coffee is like fucking no that was exaggerated right now that yeah okay but it's that's not good though it's not good yeah that is that is some almond yeah anyway also my hands are white because all of the blood cocaine yeah doing just covered in it yeah yeah i have a problem

are you ready for the special you're proud of it? You ready to, like, I feel like this is probably. I am. I'm proud of it, I guess. I'm as proud of. There's an endorsement. Go watch it. Listen, I'm as proud of it as I can be about something I made. Do you know what I mean? I 100% know what you mean. I know exactly what you mean.

I am like. I just wish. You know, we all need to have, like, an agreement here. I guess that's kind of what you're doing by coming on shows like this. It's like, I will hype the fuck out of someone else's work that I know they worked hard for and they did it. And I'll tell you, go watch this guy's thing. Go look at her special, whatever.

Like a video that someone makes here. Anything. I just will never do it for myself. So let's all fucking agree. I'll do it for you and when it comes down to it, do it for me. That's why I'm here. I mean, listen, I am proud of it. The jokes, I'm proud of the jokes. I'm proud of the jokes.

I'm proud of the fact that I even got it done considering all the shit that was going on while while we did it. And I'm and I'm proud of it for the fact that like that was nine years, I think, of work that I was like, if if I hang on to these jokes after this pandemic, it's good. They're all going to feel dead years. Yeah, it was like nine years of of so this is a big time like culmination yeah wow yeah so that's that's impressive that's a lot yeah that's also pretty nerve-wracking uh yeah when you recorded it and

you were done were you like like did you feel like all right like i was nine years like i nailed it dude i got like severely depressed after i after i. Like I went home and I was just like. I've heard a lot of people say that before. Yeah. It's kind of like. I had no idea that was coming. Yeah. Like I went home and I was just like really fucked up after that. Yeah.

And then, because I had put all of this effort in and all of this energy and like, you know, I was like, did I do it right? Did I do it? Sure. Was I okay? And I knew that when I got off stage, like when I shot the special, I had an incredible fucking time. Right? I had, it was like when I shot the special, I had an incredible fucking time. Right. I had it was like one of the best nights of my life.

And I got off stage and I was like, remember how you feel right now, because this means that it's going to be good. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Whatever happens after this is just a symptom of you watching your own work, thinking about your own work and like trying to pull it apart. Totally. So I was like, just put it out. And I really wanted it to feel like a real show. There's moments in the special where I ask some guy if he's having a good time, and he's like, no. And I was like, just keep it in.

I wanted it to feel like a real comedy show where not everything goes right. And it all feels like uh-oh you know what i mean like what's this gonna be did you shoot uh it was two shows one night oh wow yeah i had to really like so two chances but really one night to make it happen yeah so that's always what scares me yeah like i do it but it would scare me it's like you know if i was sick that day if something if i get a phone call right before i go on stage that night or whatever you know, if I was sick that day, if I got a phone call right before I go on stage that night or whatever, you know. It was so funny because I was about to go on stage and I got this text from my sister.

And I thought it was going to be like, good luck. Like, you fucking killed it or you're going to kill it, blah, blah, blah. It was literally her trying to sell me parade underwear. And it was just like four different texts being texts being like hey it's just like a fucking insta she was trying to get ten dollars to go to get more parade underwear and she was she was just mass texting the family about how great these undies were and like soft sustainable fabrics breathable recycled fabric 100 was doing like these underwear suck yeah no tommy john that's for sure literally but the script sounded like that.

Like she was just copy pasting. And then another text would come in and I'd be like, oh, now she's realizing it's my special. And she's going to. And it was just more. It was just more of the same. And then like pictures of the underwear and then like a link. We had all the colors of the world. More colors than you can even imagine.

This is unbelievable. She has no idea. My family doesn't give a fuck about my comedy. They're like, hey, does your family get upset? I'm like, if they paid attention. If they even knew it was happening. They don't give a fuck, right? But it was my favorite thing because it reminded me, it's like, oh, none of this matters.

Yeah, no, it's kind of good in a way. Just go do your thing because your family doesn't give a fuck whether it goes well or not. You know what I mean? No, but I feel like, you know, I kind of got put onto you, what, a couple years ago now, I guess? And then just watching... I just randomly... I was talking about this last night with my girlfriend.

Like, I just randomly bought a ticket to your show. Yeah. And I was like, I was in Chicago. We were looking for something to do. Yeah, Zanies in Chicago, right? I was in Zanies, and it was the night of the fight. Oh, shit! And that went viral.

I saw the video. Yeah. As I came back, I was like, yo, I saw this chick, Rosemary. She was really funny. We should try to get her on the show. Yeah, because I had seen it on the video on Instagram. Oh, my God. And I was telling him the story, and he was like, I think I saw that or was there.

And I was like. Yeah. So that also, I mean, I guess that makes sense because that was going viral. But whatever. Like, sometimes, you know, these things just start to bubble up. Yeah. And you hear someone's name over here and over here and over there. And it's just like it's just it's just how it goes.

Right. You know, and what's what's annoying is that you can't like replicate it because if you could, you would just like do it all the time. Right. But that's just how, you know, like you get out there enough and you do it enough and you get on the right shows, make the right appearances, do the funny, you know, whatever. Yeah. And it finally just kind of breaks through.

So, yeah, I feel like it's been it's a it's a good time. Like the timing of it, at least from my point of view as a fan, feels like ready for special. Right, yeah. I feel like if I was doing this stuff later on, it just wouldn't really apply. I have a totally different life now than I did before the pandemic. Sure, sure.

So this was all of my life when I was single and everything that was happening like politically and it just it was a new time right like we were about to enter like a brand new period of life and everything for people to be like oh yeah the pandemic didn't change anything it's like no it's going to change fucking everything you know so i wanted to make sure i put it out there because the stuff was done and i was like when the pandemic started i was in the middle of doing this netflix like competition show where we were going to be doing all of our material and then if like we advanced far enough we would be given an hour and i was like i don't know if

that's necessarily the one the way i want to do my hour is by winning a competition i don't like i don't like comedy competitions I don't really agree with them on principle. I thought, well, I'll just put it out. Then, if this show picks up again, I'm going to be like, I put out the special already. I can't do it.

You know what I mean? I think people will really like it. I wanted to keep the video that went viral of me fighting with that audience member. I was like, the internet loves shit like it. I wanted to keep the video that went viral of me fighting with that audience member. I was like, the internet loves shit like that. They love blood. They do. And I was like, why don't I just keep the parts of this special

that don't go right in it? Because it's going on the internet. It's going on YouTube. And I want people to see it. People waiting in line before the special being like, I don't know who she is. I kept all of that in. A guy complaining afterwards, like I kept him in.

I wanted to get the audience's real shit. Because that's what works now. It's like the old way is not as interesting. People want real and raw. Yeah. All right. So where can people get it? What's the best way so it's

coming out on comedy central's youtube on wednesday august 18th at 10 p.m eastern time so what is that 7 p.m pacific yeah yes um i'm looking at the guy who also doesn't understand numbers um and uh and you can you can watch it on there. Make sure you fucking share it. Let people know about it. Like having it on YouTube and just letting it rip is the way to go. I'm very pumped for it. Me too. Me too. Thanks for letting me promote it on here even though I showed up two hours early.

I mean late. Late. You are a wreck. Let's go do the answer anyway. I'm a wreck. Let's go to the mansion. I'm the worst. សូវាប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់� Thank you.