KFC Radio - Ian Fidance and Jordan Jensen Explain How Selena Gomez Heckled Jordan Ft. Tony Hale

Episode Date: November 3, 2022

Timecodes: 01:22:59 - Tony Hale Interview Ian Fidance and Jordan Jensen - The difference between guys and girls getting rejected - Ian’s very loud s*x - How they became friends - Jordan’s horrific childhood playground game - Allowing your significant other to have a hall pass - Jordan’s mom’s terrible advice on how to give a Bj - Jordan Peterson - Drugs - Selena Gomez heckled Jordan on stage - And much more Tony Hale: - Tony gives actually great advice on how to get rid of bad self talk - Bar soap vs liquid soap and Tony’s brilliant soap invention - Tony doesn’t understand Twitter or Twitter “remarks” - Arrested Development scenes that Tony doesn’t even remember - Appreciating the present - The best Arrested Development puns - Favorite lines from Veep - And much more WhistlePig: Go to https://barstool.link/WPKFCR to be alerted when our barrel is live Gametime: Download the Gametime app and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Ridge Wallet: Go to https://barstool.link/RidgeBSS and use the code KFC for 10% off your order Betterhelp: KFC Radio is sponsored by BetterHelp. Go to https://barstool.link/BHKFC to get 10% off your first month Curve: Sign up at https://barstool.link/CurveBSS to receive $20 in Curve Cash. Terms and Conditions Apply. Freebird: Visit https://barstool.link/FreebirdKFC for 20% off.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. The advice my mom gave me about fucking dudes is the craziest shit I've ever- What was it? How old were you? I walked in, and she was- I was like 16. She was holding my best friend's arm like this when I walked into the kitchen, and I was like, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? No, we'll go half. We'll go half. You wanna go half on. You want to go half on a half? I can't go full half.

I can't go full half. Let's go half on a half. Sit here. Oh, yeah, half on a half. Ideal. Thank you. I don't want to ice you. Sit here.

What? I don't want to ice you out. You're going to ice me out no matter what. No, no, no. Because I'll turn my back to you to talk to them, and I don't want to do that. Really considerate of you. I'm trying to be. You're a really good guy.

Yeah, I know. My best friend. All right, I'll just be too far away. Hello. Oh, God. Dude, I... Are we recording? Yeah, yeah, we're going.

This will probably all be in it. Oh, yes. I slept an hour and a half the other night. I could not fucking fall asleep. And then I was up until 3 a.m. auditioning for a role of man with thinning hair. You had to work hard in that one? Shut up, Kev! No, you know, I was told, you might not get it because your hair's not thin enough.

Hey, that's a way. Yeah, that must be like all right fucking great but i had to be like uh oh god ever since i turned 40 my hair's just been thinning out like i'm not 40 and i still have my hair things are good is this for a role or commercial for a show for a tv show yeah yeah cool yeah um so you did the audition you sent you send it in or you were you went in i sent it in or you went in? I sent it in They're not doing in-person auditions anymore Because they're all fucking lazy And they don't want to go in the office

It's insane They're so fucking lazy at their job And then also we fucking do everything By the way, hire me They do everything they can To fuck us And then it's not even fucking Dude, I've gotten so close to getting so many things.

And then at the last second, they're like, oh, we wrote your character for an 11-year-old girl. I'm like, that's who I am on the inside. Let's make it work. But that's how it is now with every, even my buddy was up for a job at the New York Times. They kept her, they keep you all the way up until you and somebody else. Yeah, but they want you to be roped in just in case that person says no. Yeah, because they get off on giving us hope. It's like playing the field.

It's like being single. Like, I'm just going to turn any of you down. I've got to make everybody feel special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to get better at that. I'm so bad. I immediately sit. At dating multiple people and making them all feel, I'm always like, you're number two, just so you know.

You are. Way on the back burner. I'm like on my phone the whole time for number one. I'm like, what do you think I should say to number one? That legit happened last year.

She was like dating a guy, kind of. She showed up, just like, like, what's wrong? She's like, he said he was going to go bowl with his friend,

so I'm going to go on a date with another guy. I'm like, you are. See you next Tuesday. I can't even. gonna go bowl with his friends I'm gonna go on a date with another guy the world has got to be so fucked now with with dude I was saying about that about like dude marriage used to be like so easy cool because why because imagine where I would be right now you'd be the computer guy yeah yeah I know I know I would be right now. You'd be sitting with computer guy. With your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know. I'd be just icing you up.

You look like the guy from Mario Monsters who holds his eyeballs in his hand. That is who you look like. That's who you should audition for. Yeah, yeah. A fucking monster. That's great. I'm glad I came here.

You bitch. No. Oh, yeah. Fucking. Marriage was cool, yeah. Fucking... Marriage was cool and easy. It used to be so easy because you met someone, and then you met five other people for the rest of your life, and then now it's just fucking hot things at you all the time,

and then I see a butt model, and I'm like, if I give a fire emoji, maybe they'll like me. And it's kind of possible. You know what I mean? I know. The top butt models, no. But like the middle of the road ones, yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's like, yeah, I used to know one person who was like, she's the prettiest girl I probably ever will meet. Yeah. And then you got out of the Holland Tunnel and you're like, never mind. Look at this. Realistically, before you got married, like back in the day you probably met like seven people

capable partners yes you were talking about all the men you met you cut that in half lesbians whatever cut that in half people who aren't

your attractive level cut that in half and you probably met seven people who were like okay we actually are on the same type level and then it's like

do you tolerate me oh we whittle it down to like one person and then you get married. I feel like you meet less people now. What? But you see them. You see them and have access.

Oh, yeah. With the apps, that's such a, it's like a, it's a synthetic communication. No, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but apps didn't exist before. But I don't just mean like, oh, you DM for a little bit. I'm saying like, I think it's harder to date now because everybody is so, there's such a no new friends mentality.

Whereas I feel like in the 40s, it was like, what's your name, Chuck? But now it's like. Yeah, but what I'm saying is there's so much access to people. You have pussy flying at you. Yes. Yeah. Especially since I got that blue check on Instagram. You got it on Twitter?

The chuckle fucks are ruining people's lives. They got it on Twitter? The chuckle fucks are ruining people's lives. They are ruining people's lives. Chuckle fuckers? Yeah. Like three of my buddies recently have been like,

have showed me just novels of somebody being like, ah! Yeah, dude, I can't. I don't play with that. I'm pretty surprised at, I guess I'm not surprised because I just understand

the world, but the level of women that some comics get, I'm like, wow. It's unreal. Dude, I've gotten David Tell roll-off. In Tennessee, I got a blowjob because some chick couldn't get a tell. And I was like, meh. Close enough. And I had a voiceover audition due the next day.

So I hid under a blanket while she watched Forensic Files next to me and did my voiceover in my phone. And I got sucked off in the shower. High five. What goes through that girl's head? I'm not talking about you. Be an Ian with Jordan. I'm almost explicitly talking about you, Ian.

Why? It's incredible. Why? Just that you'll fuck very beautiful women. It's crazy. I know. I know. Because I look like all their dads.

That's what works out. You know? You hate that? Is that like a... That men get so much? I live with two very hot male comics. Okay. And it is frustrating to watch.

First of all, it's not just the DMs. It's like a line of women waiting outside for them to be, you know what I mean? And then they're like, your show was great. And then you'll see them go over to another comic that they are doing that as well. And they have all their bases covered in the cellar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have a system. One night, sorry. One night, one of my buddies

like made out with a girl and then the other guy and then they all accidentally ran into each other with a girl in the middle and she just had to like be like, well,

and disappear into darkness behind her. They're like, well, her cocks are out. Why would she just gotta make this happen? And it happens to women. It just happens in a way

that's like, oh, it's like, first of all, it's like incels happens in a way that's like, oh, it's like, um, first of all, it's like incels. It's also like weird, for me, it's like weird dudes with like sublime shirts and like maybe a fitted, maybe like etnies. I'm saying full etnies.

I'm going hard het. Lucky gal, let me tell you. But then the other thing is that there's like, hey, I'm upstairs. Come join me for a drink. And it's like, for a woman, that's so different to go do. If I went and did that, it would be the most sad, desperate. You get guys that were like in the jackass in high school and all have head injuries

from like pushing themselves in shopping carts. No, that's what I'm into. I was going to say, what's up? That is what I'm looking for. Like guys who self-identify as the kid, that is who I did. You know what I mean? But, yeah, I mean more like – So, wait, if you get hit up by a guy who's like, love your comedy –

I'm at the Olive Tree. Join me for a drink? Yeah, you want to do it. Fuck no. Because we're not – or at least I'm not at all motivated by looks. So even if they're hot, then I'm like, well, I don't want to talk to a hot person because they're retarded. And then if they're not hot, then I'm like, I don't want to talk to an uggo. Wow.

The intellectual's dilemma. So who are you looking for? Yeah. If it's somebody in a band, I'll talk to them. Oh, dude, she's a band chick. So then you just become the groupie, though. That's better. I would rather be that than be like, what's your banshee. So then you just become the groupie, though. That's better. I would rather be that than be like, what's your favorite comic?

I love Aziz Ansari, and I have to fucking run a poll through my account. Yeah, see, at least the girls are shallow. They're just like, hey, you're on stage, and you seem to be popular and have power. I'll fuck you. Whereas the guys are going to be like, let's talk about comedy for hours. Who's your favorite comic, and what do you like to do? Also, the guys will be like, dude, I about comedy for hours. Who's your favorite comic and what do you like to do? Also, the guys will be like, dude, I think you're

so funny. You're great. Can I fuck? They use the whatever and then girls just kind of go in and be flirty off the bat. A lot of them will send voice note novels. I have this one chick that just keeps sending voice notes. I don't even respond.

Saying like talking dirty and shit? No, no, no. Just about like an Instagram story I posted. They're like, I heard you say this on a podcast, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then like, yeah, yeah.

Terrible. I'm so disappointed by my gender. Yeah, me too. I'm so disappointed by my fucking species. But then girls will get guys that hit on them and then when the girl doesn't respond, they'll be like, you fucking bitch. I don't like you anyway.

It's like, hey, I love your comedy so much. And I'm like, I heart it or something. And they're like, oh, no response? You're a whore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a whore. It is not. Where women are so psychotic, they'll just keep going.

Right, right. My responses are always a lot sadder than you're a whore. When you get a picture DMT or something like that, and I struggle so badly responding. I was like, whoa. It'll be a cat fox like, fuck me. Aluga. And then it's sadder for them.

It's way sadder. It would be better to ignore it. Well, because they're getting kind of rejected by a guy that wakes up with food stuck to him. You know? Crumbs in the bed. This episode is brought to you by, obviously, Whistlepig Whiskey. It is. I'm currently drinking it right now.

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It is absolutely delicious. Click the link in the YouTube description to sign up and get alerted when it's live whistle pig you're the best in the business baby when when that went viral uh when like black twitter had had a field day with white boys flirting with adam levine i all of the white girls i spoke to were like no no we love that so i'm sticking to my game. Yeah. Whoa! So Adam Levine was flirting with his mistress. Oh, yes, yes. Everything was like, fuck! Like, cap locks. Like, your body!

Fuck! It's so hot. Oh my god. That's what we do. Yeah, yeah. They were like, that makes me feel good. Yeah, okay. What else are you supposed to say? Oh, your areola's so nice. Right.

It's just a nice, genuine. Stop. No. Don't finish the sentence. Don't even give anybody any ideas. I don't know what you're supposed to say. Yeah. I would like to.

I turn into a cartoon dog. It's like, oh. Yeah. Yeah. Down the steps. What do black people say? God damn. So we had this pattern when this was happening. Oh, yeah. Down the steps. What do black people say? God damn. So we had Miss Patton when this was happening.

Oh, yeah, that's right. And her crew was like, I was like, so what should we say? And it was like, let me see what that pussy pop do. It was like, girl, what that mouth do. Yeah, like, show me what that, show me, show me. I was like, I can't say that. Show me how that mouth hit. What?

Well, if they show a picture of the tits, I'd be like, God damn, let me see what that ass working with. Yeah, it's very like... You would never say that. I've said it. You would be like, let me see your bum. No, I'm not. Let me see your hind and bottom.

Let me see your rear end. You don't know how I dirty talk. I talk it. I do not want to know. I'm curious. I want to know. I'm a dirty Delaware dick doll. So loud.

You're loud? You're a loud fucker? I am. You think I'm mute, dude. Her hotel room was next to mine. I brought my ex-girlfriend. And the walls were standing. I was just in my room screaming.

Screaming while running in circles. Sometimes on the road we'll share a hotel room and then I'll make her watch Forensic Files while I eat candy until 2 in the morning. It's fun, right? I found a picture of us on the phone with you watching Forensic Files and I reached

my hand over and you didn't stop watching Forensic Files and you just reached it and held my hand. That's it latonic partners how in the world have you hitched your wagon to this one jesus christ what an idea that was for him back in the day yeah years ago yeah years ago and then we are you from philly also no no i'm from ithaca okay i don't know how we saw each other we were both crazy and manic and yeah into punk. I saw you like at open mics and you were so funny. And I had like a gig in Philly and I was like,

do you want to come? And you had a truck and we could smoke in your truck. Oh, we both smoked cigarettes. Yeah. You had a truck. I would love to be like, what was it that like, you know, what sparked the friendship? You had a truck. You were crazy back then. I remember being like, this dude's gonna blow my gasket. I thought you were having fun. You were really manic.

I was real spazzy. I've gotten a lot better. You've gotten so much better. Which is crazy because you're still off the wall. I've learned how to harness it. You come in like a Tasmanian devil. I know. You actually are more calm even from the first time

we met you on Nicky's show, right? I mean, on Nicky's show, I was like, I know. I know. I know. I'm best in small doses. I mean, it's very complimentary.

No, no, no. Now you're like, before you were like this, okay, a hammer drill goes like this into a wall and it goes like this and like this. And before you were going

like this and like this and now you're just going like this. It would be like we were driving and I would look and your whole body would just be vibrating. And now you're way it's very different. Did you just describe how a hammer drill works? She used to be a carpenter.

Oh that's right I knew that. That's also how we bonded. Dead dads, carpenters. And then we have dead dads. We're both into punk. Dead dads, carpenters and a truck. A dead dads. We're both into punk. Dead dads, carpenters, and a truck. A truck is a smoke case. She's a fucking nutcase too. Don't fucking

throw me under the bus. Yeah, no doubt. And then we did a test run podcast with a buddy of ours. Oh my God. And we had so much fun.

And then- He was like a fucking dickhead and sucked. He was a dickhead the whole time. And he like insulted her. I was like, hey,

watch your fucking mouth, man. And then we like had to end the podcast. And then me and him were like, we both have to go deal with our breakups that are happening simultaneously, constantly. Yeah. And then she had a construction job and she had to have,

what did you have, like a hysterectomy or something? Something happened to you? I had cyst removed. Jesus Christ. We jumped from cyst to hysterectomy. Hysterectomy. I wish I got a hysterectomy. And then so I did a construction job for her.

And yeah. And then we just stayed friends. That's a deeper story than most ones. You guys heard the podcast. And it was really cool. We did Cellar Vegas together last year and we went to Red rocks and uh man i i guess i just never uh i've just heard about red rocks more in the past two years than i've ever fucking heard about really yeah oh i think because of oar i knew red rocks a lot like oh i guess just as i got more it's a comedy

it's 3 a.m and I want to go to bed. You speak ill on OAR. We'll kick you out right now. Dude, I loved OAR. I loved it. Drop the D. Drop the D. I'm not even kidding.

Their new album is very good. Really? Yeah. I feel like the way you guys talk about OAR is the way I talk about Ska. Yeah. I can see that. Yeah, definitely. I kind of, Ska is, you know. I love Ska, too, though.

I do love Ska. It's super embarrassing to love, but it's awesome. It's definitely the most embarrassing music to like. When my ex left me. Put your eyeballs down. And walked. When my ex. With shoulders.

That's why you look so jacked. His arms are always up. I wish we had just gotten you two eyeballs for Halloween. Yeah, that would be it, man. That would be so good. Oh, yeah. That was a you look so jacked. His arms are always up. I wish we had just gotten you two eyeballs for Halloween. That would be so good. That was a hot dog, though. A lot of hot dogs are out there this year. Yeah, me, to Stefano, to Rosa, her, and I shared all the same outfit.

Disgusting. It was gross. Are you serious? Oh, that is disgusting. Yeah, it was great. My costume was soaked in sweat after one wear. If I was sharing it with someone else, that would be vile. Yeah, it was great. It was awesome. My costume was soaked in sweat after one wear. If I was sharing it with someone else, that would be vile. Yeah, it was terrible.

But, dude, when my ex left me, she goes, and by the way, just so you know, I hate Scott. No! And I was like, dude, that's what you said. Just tell me I have a little dick. God damn it. Just be normal. Say that I'm gay and I don't fuck you.

Don't put it in the car. You said you liked it. Yeah. That's hilarious. She had the worst music taste though. All of her music sounded like it was like I don't know, like a lesbian on her period making soup. Like it was just like sad whispering.

I would just have to sit there with them fighting. Will you please turn off your stepfather whispering that he's going to molest you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, because we all went on a road gig together, a buddy of mine was like, dude, you got to listen to this podcast called Human Monsters. It's great. Shut the fuck up.

Like all these murder things. Yo, this was next level worst predator murder podcast I've ever heard in my life because the guy interviewed a woman that was like sexually abused and then like something happened but it was a phone interview and he was like uh so what did it feel like when his fingers would go in your pussy it was insane it was like an autistic person being like and when and we're reading you say I want to stick my big dick into his tiny ass how did you feel when you stuck your big dick? It was the most vulgar, like abrasive, like specific thing.

And then because they were on a phone call, it was like, okay, so I have to go grocery shopping. We will talk about it later. That's not your bit. Do you have that bit? We talked about it. And then he turned it into a bit. You were sitting on the stairs and I was like remember at the end how they would hang up?

And they'd be like I have to call my mom. I gotta go buddy. Bye. Oh do you do that on stage? Yeah yeah yeah. So someone once said Is that working? I do that shit all the time. You hear so much comedy and then you're like

like dude the other day I texted a bunch of friends I was like does anyone have this bit? I do that shit all the time. Oh, yeah. I know. You hear so much comedy, and then you're like – Dude, the other day I texted a bunch of friends. I was like, does anyone have this bit? They were like, no, no. And I was like, wow. Congrats, man. You've had an original thought. Actually, I just watched the latest thing you put up.

I thought it was a good original thought. It was the airplane. That's my bit! Shut up. No, I'm kidding. The bisexual one is possibly weird like

yeah like we're just gonna pack a couple hundred people in here and go up there and everybody be cool yeah it's nuts like there's definitely

just statistically speaking couple hundred people one or two of those people are psychotic nobody goes nuts and two or three of those people are assholes

and four or five of those people are loudmouths. But for the most part, when you consider how many flights fly a day, it's like a 99% success rate. It's crazy. Nobody takes a shit on the airplane. Nobody even has a loud Tourette's outlet. It never happens.

Well, why is it there are no laws on international waters, but up in the sky, everyone's like, I'm a good citizen. Yeah, what is with that? Right? It is crazy. wouldn't that be the place to like go nuts sometimes i think they release something in the in the circulated air yeah i just don't understand i've never heard people get into a well because flying is so important for like commerce and travel if you fuck up flying you're fucked for a long time so

everyone's like that we can't fuck, those, those like rules of like, if you fuck up on this flight, you're not going to be able to fly for a long time. It's almost like religion of like, why better not sin so I can go to heaven. I see the same thing about, uh, uh,

traffic rules. Like you think about how many people are just like, I'm going to break the law and murder someone, but then I'll get in my car and I'll like do a full stop. Yeah. Yeah. Like you'll, you'll follow,

you know, the, well, if I'm running late, sometimes Sometimes I would use red lights as stop signs. Well, yeah. I read every red light and then I hit my motorcycle. A little word from our sponsor, GameTime. GameTime is a ticketing app that makes it easier than ever to score last minute deals on tickets to sports, concerts,

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thanks to GameTime. Again, go to the GameTime app, app download the account tab create a login redeem code kfc for 20 bucks off your first purchase yeah it's really weird society is bizarre i mean the rules that you choose to and choose not to follow i so we all went to pride parade and no you weren't there and then i went to the ha parade, and me and almost him. This motherfucker didn't know about the Halloween parade. He goes, is there some sort of Greenwich Village thing going on on Halloween? I was like, ah, yeah. Dude, my mom didn't either.

My mom was like, were people dressed up? I live with your mom. Yeah, they're both out of touch looney tunes. There you go, yeah. I live like a literal block and a half from where like the so I turn the TV on and NY1 comes on right away yeah so I love NY1 and it was just like

this massive parade and it zoomed out and I saw the streets and I was like wait that's where I live and they're like there are a million people out here and I was like is there a big West Village Halloween parade there they were interviewing people from like Germany and Brazil who who flew in for it. What?

And I had... Yeah, there's like Batmans who go together. Yeah. I had no idea. I always thought it was just people in outfits going places in New York. I didn't realize it was an actual parade. The whole joke is like,

is it Halloween or is it just New York? Because sometimes it's like, are you here for the parade or are you just on your commute? Well, dude, so me and Homeless Pimp did interviews and stuff at Pride, and then we did it at Halloween parade. And dude, everyone was so nice and friendly and fun and let's talk, hug, oh my God, happy,

happy. And then the very next day, everyone's like, get out of my face, you fucking piece of shit. It's like, why can't we act like every day is a parade? For real, for real. Huh? Wouldn't't we act like every day is a parade? For real. Huh? Wouldn't life be better if every day was a parade? Let's act like every day is the day after 9-11. All we're talking about is the day after 9-11.

That was when America was together, dude. 9-12, 2001 was the best. That was a day. Let's all get together and hate anyone that's brown. Let's everyone get together and then start a rumor that the Indian kid that just so happened to be absent on 9-11 knew about it for some reason. Then he's got to come back to school and no one lets him in the debate club. Let's act like every day is like that. Isn't it weird that they made us watch it? At least in my school, they pulled in a big TV.

Did they? Yeah. Exactly. Why wouldn't they? It's like the most historic event you could ever be alive for. First of all, I was in fifth grade. Oh, yeah. How did that. Why wouldn't they? It's like the most historic event you could ever be alive for. First of all, I was in fifth grade. Oh, yeah. How old were you guys?

I was in eighth. I was 37. I was in junior year of high school. It should have been junior high school, I get it. Middle school, I get it. Elementary school to have the crying teacher pulling the... That is nuts. I just would be like, this is happening.

And you're like, here? Check it out, kids. The second one's about to hit. Meanwhile, kids your age. I just knew to go home. I just left school and went home. I think it was a girl. I was too young to deal with it.

I went to the chapel and prayed because I was like, the world is ending. I was like all those pray guys at the end of Ghostbusters that were like, oh, the end of the world. I was like, I need to atone. I was like, we're definitely atone. I was like, we're definitely going to get school off tomorrow. They can't make us

come in tomorrow, right? I made a game out of it on the playground where I would pretend that we were going to get bombed and we would all hide under the playground

and I'd be like, it's 9-11. What? Yeah, me too. It was so fun. See, we haven't been on so well. Did you call the game 9-11?

It sounds awesome Did you say like Hey guys let's play 9-11? I think I called it like terrorist I'm serious We played a game called guns It was called guns And we ran around the neighborhood

With fake guns I made the best games Freeze tag where you had to Give somebody a kiss In order to get unfrozen It was an ugly kiss You were a child molester child That's a crazy game.

You had to date me and love me to get unfrozen. I wanted to be kissed. So bad. Jordan's just running like the guy at the end of Terminator trying to tag people. Tag, you're hit. Love me. Oh, no.

She's morphing. Puts a needle through her oh man that's great that is hilarious Terminator is so yeah yeah some kid gets picked up in carpool she latches on her back she's getting trapped.

He's pulling doors over. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got some kid's backpack. Got you. Oh, really good. Terminator really is so good. That was a great quick subject change from Terrorist the Game. Terrorist the Game.

Terrorist the Game does sound dope, just to be clear. Just not, you know, maybe. So fun Such a fun game There were other games I can just picture you Just screaming on the playground It's 9-11

Kids hiding under mulch The mulch We dig under the mulch It was so fun Because I think they were Sending like helicopters There were like helicopters In the following days

Remember that? Yes They were watching the skies. So I would pretend they had bombs, and I would tell all the kids, I'd be like, yeah, that's a bomb. What kind of fucking sick, twisted mind do you have? Where was this?

This was in Ithaca. So upstate. Oh, yeah, she grew up in a barn with cat sisters. Ithaca's got to be the worst place in the world now. Isn't that the suicide capital? What? No way, really? Cornell. Yes. Cornell's in Ithaca.? Isn't that the suicide capital? What? No way, really? Cornell.

Yes. Cornell School. Cornell's in Ithaca. Suicide rate, yeah. Right? Right. Yes. And a lot of, look it up.

I think it's a college thing. The Asians get a B on their test and they jump off the gorge. That's some Ivy League shit. I would imagine Harvard's pretty calm. No, the reason is because we have giant pits that go into the death. And it also has the highest acceptance of Asians. So the Asian kids will get a B and just plummet to their death. In the beginning of the 1970s, a high-profile cluster of six suicides.

Six? That's not so bad. Yeah, wait. Six? Dude, when I went to NYU. But then it says in the 2009 to 2010 school year, so I don't know what the fuck that means. Yo, bro. When I went to NYU my freshman year, all these kids were jumping off the balconies in the library.

I remember that. And they had to put up these barriers. My friend- But there was- So, you know the Harvard Lampoon? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, NYU had one of those called The Plague or whatever.

And I'll never forget, I got a bunch of copies. The cover of The Plague that month was a girl with her wrists all cut up. Stop, stop, okay. And then there was a story about it because it was like a satire publication. And there was a picture of the library with Jerry Seinfeld falling upside down. And it said, what's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld falling upside down and it said, what's the deal with all these suicides? It was incredible.

I have it in my mom's house. You have that poster? Yeah. That's so good. It was incredible. It was incredible. That makes me think of my favorite piece of merch I ever saw at a concert.

I went to a Fall Out Boy show in like 07, 06, something like that. Oh, that was prime Fall Out Boy. Yeah, prime Fall Out Boy. Before Pete Wentz jerked off in a parking lot on Xanax. You remember that? I don't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that either.

Look it up. I believe you. I also know Christopher Walken killed a woman. What? He didn't kill a woman. Don't start that ruver. He was on aen killed a woman. What? He didn't kill a woman. Don't start that, Ruver. He was on a boat when a woman died. That doesn't mean he killed a woman.

How'd she die? She fell off. But I didn't know anything about that. I've never heard of that. Once you said boat, it's something crazy. Oh, really? Okay. It's kind of like the Broderick.

Like the Broderick. I learned that like five years ago. Oh, yeah. He killed someone in his car. Oh, he actually Okay. It's kind of like the Broderick. Like the Broderick. I learned that like five years ago. Oh, yeah. He killed someone in his car. Oh, he actually killed someone. Yeah. And he got like a... Was he drunk?

I would imagine so, but he was in England and it doesn't count there. It was like he got like a... So did Caitlyn Jenner. Yes. Yes. That's right. Caitlyn Jenner. Brandy.

Brandy? Brandy killed a guy, yeah. Oh, my God. A particular manslaughter probably I think it was. Who cares about Brandy? Why are you guys freaking out about that? I'm really excited about Brandy. That was crazy.

I know. Like I was a dear friend with Brandy. Not my Brandy. My Brandy? That's nuts. Cinderella Brandy? It is crazy though that we just rattled off like four or five people real quick that killed people and had nothing happen. It is crazy.

Like, no punishment. They have money. I know, I know. But, like, at some point, like, I don't think Brandy is famous enough to be able to kill someone and get away with it. It has nothing to do with fame. It has to do with money. And it just so happens, famous people have money. Doesn't everybody just get released at home, jail?

Yeah, probably. When I worked in a halfway house... He's the best, by the way. Oh, don't leave your house for like a year. Yeah, we already did that during COVID. And everyone lost their fucking mind. Oh, I loved it. I loved it.

I hated it. Oh, my boys. Just hanging out with the boys. Oh oh yeah you had a good roommate situation i had craigslist roommates that stayed in the rooms the entire time yeah well that sucks yeah so many shows over the pandemic oh yeah that saved me holy moly guacamole we got super close over the pandemic yes because me and you were that's right drug addicts yeah well i was x you were doing no not drug addicts but you know what i mean, for comedy. And we would do every single show.

Even that 4 p.m. one on a roof. Oh, on a roof. Like an art collective. It was fucking nuts, dude. It sounds terrible. Yeah, and the guy who ran it is like a DJ, but he's a comic, but he's bisexual.

Every time he brings me on stage, he's like, I hate this next comic because I want to be the bisexual comic. I'm like, oh, fucking kill yourself. The pandemic was good for comedy, at least for me. Oh, my God. The pandemic was the best thing in the world. It made me such a better comic. The comedy industry.

It made me such a better comic. Because, dude, half the times we didn't have microphones So I had to like learn Like how to move around It made me feel so much more comfortable Like moving around and being wild and crazy And half the time I was like I'm not doing jokes

I'm just going to talk about whatever And then I'd walk through the crap Because it was like dude I would do these zoom shows And people would just read off their jokes I'm like, what? Did you know Jake, who features for me, Jake Velasquez, very funny comic. Me and him, we didn't know each other then, but we both saw you at the tiny cupboard and have your religious set. Oh, no shit.

That was the craziest. Ian had a set on top of the tiny cupboard that was like, it was like next level comedy. I mean, I was like double. I was on a date with a guy and I was like snotting and crying and like spewing. And I like turned to look at him and he was also. And I was like, hell yeah. And he like the train went by and he was talking about his dead dad. But then somebody released a balloon and he had a call back to the.

And we were just like, this is like a perfect game. Like, oh, my God. It was. Thanks. And you were you had just come up to me and you're like, I'm going to a break. I want to kill myself. I don't know. Oh, God. It was awesome. Thanks. And you had just come up to me and you were like, I'm going to a break. I don't even want to kill myself. I don't even want to do chain smoking. And then you just go up and annihilate.

Did you know what she's talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you know in the moment you were doing it? Like you were doing that well? Yeah. I mean, I was just like going. I've always wondered that. That was like a moment where I was like,

just stay in that moment of being like insane. I had that last night at the VU. And I think it's because with all the sadness that's where the thriving happens yeah it's weird when shit's like going well I have to create better when I'm everything's good and I'm happy and things

are great like that is the mode for me to feel good and be wonderful and like progress but when things are bad going on stage like harnessing that in some way and that's the same for like a lot of people sure like comics would be like i've never been more depressed in my life and they'll just go and like annihilate well that's why i think some comics feel like they can't you know like get help or get right being stopped drinking or being an addict or whatever because like oh it won't be funny anymore yes that's not

really how it works so i don't think you can just lose a night of sleep literally i mean like last night i didn't have any sleep oh i'm on right now i've slept five hours in the past 48 you can artificially create turmoil you can do too much coffee you can do so how can you but i just you know the whole thing is because i have buddies who are like i'm worried without alcohol and it's like dude you'll feel fucked up every other day there's so much crazy shit that But I just, you know, the whole thing is, because I have buddies who are like, I'm worried without alcohol. And it's like, dude, you'll feel fucked up every other day. There's so much crazy shit that, but it also is like, I don't know, the post breakup mid somebody's dumping you, there's nothing like that.

I mean, it is crazy. Because you don't care. Yeah, that is true. You're like, fuck all of you. Nobody loves me. So I'm just going to go nuts. And then you crush. It is good.

It is really good. I've been watching so much Sebastian Maniscalco that last night I just did full ham, like huge face and body move. And it was so fun. It was great. And I was terrified because I went up after Quinn and Sam Morrell. Oh, yikes. And it was, yeah.

I like, let's say my mom. Dude, she holds her own, man. She's fucking great yeah when did your so the podcast started in the pandemic or did i get that wrong no no we tried to do a podcast what we call futon philosophy uh exactly and uh i've always found like if you if you don't have a name that is like perfect and crushes it's better to just be like here's my podcast yeah Yeah, yeah. You need a great name like KFC Radio.

Yes. Where everyone thinks it's about food. We've had people come on and be like, so are we talking about chicken? No. We're not talking about chicken. It's just too old now. No! Is that what happened? Yeah. Thanks, Mark. Great.

So what are you talking about chicken? What does KFC stand for? My stupid initials. If you ever need some oil, we got you. Wow, I'm attracted to that. Why is that? Why? It's probably what you farm girl used as lube when you were younger.

I don't know. Being up in Ithaca. Did you see the movie Titane where she fucks a car? Yes. I couldn't resonate more. What? I know. How did she fuck it?

Oh, yeah. She gets horny for cars. Like metal. We'll be walking. She's like, look at that boxed up Jeep. Yeah. Dude, my motorcycle. Yeah, it is.

I was going to say, I sure got that motorcycle. Oh, and it's like old. It's really, really good. But this does it for me. Yeah, we had a squeaky chair that you could hear like on the podcast why did you buy that big how did your fans have it in like to be a dickhead oh that's nice this show is sponsored by better help unfortunately life doesn't come with a user manual so when it's not working for you it's normal to feel stuck

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dot com slash KFC. But yeah, this is just my initials. It was a stupid name that I gave it back when we started a very long time ago. Honestly, we kind of stole it, to be honest. Oh, yeah. No, we had this logo come out, but we are going to renovate. And when we went to do your podcast, I think I told you, I was like, that was awesome.

Because we did this for so long here, and it feels told you, I was like, that was awesome because we did this for so long here and it feels like you're on a show with a desk and we were just like sitting on the couch smoking cigs

and like talking and it was, I thought we had like the funniest podcast ever. Yeah. It was like, it was great. Flowing,

I was like, we need something like this. I feel like you're just kind of hanging out. Well, it feels like you're in like a basement hanging out with your buddy

and your mom's not home and you're like having a sleepover. This kind of feels like that too. You got the, well, yeah. It's like you're in a basement hanging out with your buddy and your mom's not home. You're having a sleepover. This kind of feels like that, too. You got the... Well, yeah. It's like the vibe and the people on it, but the environment of our studio. This feels a little more like you're on a podcast.

Yeah. No, it's dog shit in here. I mean, not dog shit. I don't mean like... Fuck you, computer guy. You think it's way nicer than it is. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't feel like I'm on a podcast.

It feels like I'm in the storage room that you guys got stuffed into. Which is cool. Yeah. Which is a good... You should get the Down Syndrome Sports Illustrated. I want that more than anything. The Down Syndrome model. Yeah, is that out?

I don't know. Did that happen? Yes. She's like obsessed with it. I need to get it signed. How did you do that? Is that... Is that, is that Peter?

That's signed by like a pen with the Downsend girl. She'll just sign in crayon. Yeah. That would be great. If somebody could get that. Be an Ian with George. Patreon.com slash be an Ian pod. Anyway.

Yeah. So we started the podcast. Yeah. You had me on and then. Well, it was supposed to just be me. I was going to say, I didn't even know well it was supposed to just be me i was gonna say the podcast we did is actually your show as well but we only did it with i didn't want to do it with you guys i got it well she didn't want to do it with like guests so but my thing was like it's being in and it's my thing and then i got uh wes schultz of the lumineers to do the theme song and i was like well it's stuck i wrote the lyrics he did the song and i was like well it's stuck in

this and then she was my first guest and it was so fucking good i was like you know what fuck it let's do it together but the name was like well what do we do with the name so then we named it beanie and with jordan and then it was like do we but the name was like well what do we do with the name so then we named it being ian with jordan and then it was like do we change the name whatever and then now just kind of no just stick around so long that it gets it's like a bad name and then it kind of comes back around yeah it's so bad that it's but it works out like in the song it's like being ian with jordan yeah also like it really the name does not matter yeah you know in very few instances I think the podcast name matters

the rest of it is just like it could be you know the Tom Smith show and if it's really fucking funny and people like it that's all it is but now it's like

totally our thing it's like guests whatever no guests whatever and it's fun and like I'll do headlining sets

and people will be like be an Ian and I'll be like what Jordan yeah yeah yeah or people come up and be like be an Ian

what Jordan yeah yeah that jordan yeah yeah yeah yeah or people come up and be like be an ian with jordan yeah yeah that's fine yeah yeah yeah yeah it's great and we moved the couch so now we're like decorating better with like us and everything but again like my my ex left me and immediately i redid the basement into a studio and was like, fuck it. I'm focusing on this. And then when she came together, shit, she was like, oh, you can do this in a week, but you couldn't do this for a year and a half. I was like, yes, because you were not going to make me money. I love this. I love you. Yeah.

There is, unfortunately, when you can't do both at, like, its highest level, I don't think. I think that is, like, one of the great tragedies of, like, human life is that you can try really hard and come really close. Well, I think that's. You will always, like, if you don't have, you got to, there's only so many hours in a day and so much effort you can put into certain things. Well, I think that's a tragedy being, like, creative. Yeah. Like an artist and working in a thing where you have to, like things and focus on like we're we're only as good and we're only getting as much work as we're like putting into it and then if you put a relationship over that it's like where you're gonna lose out you're gonna

miss the relationship came after i started this thing that is my love right right and it sucks for a lot of people to be like oh i'm number two right oh you're away a lot fuck you but i'll date the guy that sits at the bar at the end of the night and is a union elevator operator ugly doofus yeah he's so unattractive yeah do not worry about it and i am attractive because i look like the monster I really do people love that monster but people who focus don't have an artistic outlet and focus

and put their their relationship first and foremost that doesn't go well either no not at all because it's not you're supposed to be

a supplemental support it's not supposed to be like your life that's why I'm finding like dating someone Tom Brady made Giselle didn't buy it yeah she didn't take that

dating someone like that is a comic or in a band is a lot better because then you have creative things you can like talk about and like push each other

date yeah within that same world now like we help each other with self tapes and that like helps

you know or like I don't know like dating someone in a band you can relate to being on the road and in vans

that I think helps where it's like people who can understand your schedule I think is huge yeah it's like people who can understand your schedule, I think, is huge. Yeah. Because it's like I leave for days and weekends at a time. I miss holidays, all that shit.

I know. But the rest of it, I don't know if I – But it's like I'm willing. I would not want to sit around and talk about podcasting. I was going to say that's the worst when you get home. It's like, how was your day? It's like, I don't want to talk about it. Yeah.

Because I already talked about it. Yeah, I've been talking since 9 a.m. I don't want to talk. Just shut up and let's watch 28 Days Haunted, the new haunted reality show on Netflix that I can't stop watching. It's not like it was a bad day. It's just, I don't want to talk anymore. Yeah.

And then it's like, why are you such a dickhead? You don't talk to me. Yeah. That's a fucked up thing is where you'll date somebody. At least for me, it's like you're on all the time, right? It's like podcasts. I'm on. Then you go do four shows.

You're on. You're on. And then you get back and you're like completely lobotom eyes and this person is like i thought i signed up to date like yeah yeah i work remotely now i haven't talked to a person in 12 hours yeah sorry yeah it's crazy yeah totally and you just both i think that is why i tend to date artists is for that reason where you're both like want to put our brains on ice for a second and it is like or just like want to just prioritize sex because it's the moment where we don't have you know what i mean but it is fuck and go to sleep yeah yeah but it is like i also think it's much better to uh be

where you're at and start dating someone and it's like this like you said like this is what i do like if you yeah you start if you just change kind of you're like, I used to only like do a couple spots. And now I'm selling out theaters all across the country. It's like, well, when we started dating, you know, it would go up like twice a week. Now you're going all over the country for six weeks at a time. Like off the bat now, they kind of get the deal because you're so busy and everything. And also, if you start dating someone, when you're only doing a couple spots they're like well

you know you don't need to keep going just stop women always want to change you do we know anybody where that's worked out where they've dated before oh Ismael and his wife are still together

he doesn't really do stand up anymore does he? if you don't see people around you you Does he? I haven't seen him in a while. If you don't see people running, you're like, oh, I don't think they exist. Are they dead? I also think it could be anything. We're talking about comedy here,

but any job where you all of a sudden take off or get more hours. I think that's different because a lot of athletes marry their high school person or the person they met in college. Because I think when you're an athlete, you really need someone cheering you on and really like – Especially if you're going to be massively famous. What? I didn't even hear what you said. I just think a lot of those sometimes are like, we're married, but I do whatever I want.

Yeah, well, it's an investment for a chick that's married. They're like, oh, we're going to be fucking millionaires. I will support you and I won't say anything. But also the guy needs to know he can fucking trust a down ass bitch and she's not going to try to, you know. It's one of the most beautiful things in the world, if you ask me. Oh, it's incredible. It's the most romantic thing in the world.

Yeah. I know. I do that when I date comics. I'm like, on the road, whatever. Really? That's. Because I'll get, you get, Yeah, because they can't help themselves. For you or for them?

I'm not fucking anybody. But why would I ever? I mean, maybe, but no. You're saying it's more like you let them fuck. Well, for me, it's like I'm going to stay up until 5 a.m. talking to somebody this close to my face and bond with them and then be like, bye. And for me, that's like emotional affair kind of thing

but yeah when I date comics I'm like when you're on the road you should fuck who you want because it's going to happen they're going to do it anyway very progressive because it's the it's the benefit of being

and usually if you date a comic they used to be a big stupid ugly dingus when they were kids so now it's like now they're kind of cashing in

making up for lost time so yeah and you think you're actually okay with that I don't want to know but yeah yeah I'm definitely... And you think you're actually okay with that? I don't want to know, but... Yeah, yeah, don't let me catch you. Deal! Do not let me find out.

Okay, so it's like you don't like it. Don't ask, don't tell. It's like being gay in the military in the 90s. No, no, I know how some people are like into it and they're like, oh, what did you two do? No, absolutely not. I will skin you alive if I find out. Just do it and don't let me find out.

Well, you evolved because initially you were like, I don't believe in monogamy. That's because I hated my boyfriend. People who say that are in relationships with people they don't like. I hated him. And we had such good sex. Oh, yeah. I remember.

Yeah, he showed up to Vegas. We'll let edit that out. Is that not good? It's fine, but it doesn't talk to me right now, and I don't want to make it worse. He's not going to watch this. I didn't hate him. It might. I didn't hate him.

Why? This isn't a video game. I'm going to kill myself. Never mind. It's all staying in now. Oh, that's great. He was up. This isn't a video game.

He's not going to watch. This isn't anime. This isn't a jam band in Sheboygan. He's not going to fucking care about this. I was just trying to shop around. I don't live in monogamy because I'm trying to find somebody else, but too codependent to end it. Yeah.

Totally. Now I'm like, forever. But I still, yeah, I do believe in the you can fuck. Yeah, because it's part of the gig. Well, that's like an offshoot of non-monogamy. You kind of are like, I'll be monogamous to you, but you run and do as long as you are emotionally monogamous to me. Do you find that if you do that, they don't do it? Yeah. Is that true?

Yes. I think it's like a hall pass. It's kind of like, well, now I pull down. Dog pulling, pulling, pulling. Do you let it off? It's true. Yeah, and then the dog just licks its own ass. And here's the thing. If I say don't fuck anybody, when they fuck somebody, it's like, oh, I'm fucking up and I'm doing this thing the thing if i say don't fuck anybody when they fuck somebody it's like oh

i'm fucking up and i'm doing this thing but if you say go fuck who you want they fuck somebody and they're like i miss jordan she lets me do that she's such a good yeah yeah yeah totally yeah that's it's it's in the movie hall pass none of them fuck they their wives give them hall passes and they're like i can't do it oh yeah oh wait Is that the movie where he gives a fake oral? Yes. Dude, I watched that with my mom and her 86-year-old neighbor, Betty, and it was so awkward. Bro, what? Yeah. What are you doing watching movies with your neighbor? Because my mom and Betty are both widows, so they'd hang out.

And why are you there then? Because I was visiting, and I was like, this movie's funny. Or no, my mom was like like i heard this movie's good and we put it on it was the most uncomfortable i've ever been just radio betty how old you and my mom watching cunnilingus and i'm like oh it doesn't matter how old you are that is never gets better always be the worst thing in the world. A sex scene with your parents watching. It's brutal. Brutal. Yeah, no, that's... It is.

I thought once it was all acknowledged that I have sex too, and we're adults, and we talk about sex. It's gotten worse now. Yeah. I'll sit there, and I'm like,

this is fucking so bad. This is so fucking bad. Yeah. I mean, I got kids, and I still feel like we don't just throw a glass at TV. Yeah. Slipped. I don't know.

What's even weirder is that parents that are like, let me show you how to masturbate. Sexuality is a blee-ba-da-boo-ba-doob. You're going to grow up to be a fucking freak. Between that. Huge line. My mom threw a book at me called What's Happening to My Body.

And then I jerked off to the pictures on the internet on the advice my the advice my mom gave me about fucking dudes is the craziest shit i've ever i walked in how old and she was i was like 16 she was holding my best friend's arm like this when i walked in the kitchen and i was like what are you doing what are you doing what are you doing and brianna was like the coolest girl in school and i was like and she was like i'm telling her how to give a blow job and i was like why are you doing my mom is a lesbian, a rugged lesbian. Like overalls lesbian. And I was like,

what are you doing? And she was like, I'm telling them that you gotta squeeze the base to stop them from coming. What? That could give you epididymitis.

I've gotten that. That's terrible. I was like, first of all, are you giving such good head that you have to like stop them from coming so fast? Do you have to choke them out? are you giving such good head that you have to like stop them from coming so fast? Do you have to choke them out? Do you have to keep them? Do you have to pinch it off?

What kind of chick is trying to stop the cum from going to the loach power? I know! I'm just picturing your mom getting a cum shot gonna be like I need to get a new overall Oh my god it's so crazy! Oh rugged lesbian This ad is brought to you by Curve. Curve combines your entire wallet into a single card and app. With Curve, you upload your cards into the Curve app,

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Go to Curve.com slash Barstool. Get 20% in Curve Cash. I'm going to tell you, get $20 in Curve Cash. Terms and conditions apply. Yes, that was something else I saw. So you were raised by two lesbians, right? Yeah. Two lesbians, dad, and then, yeah, later another lesbian.

Oh, whoa. Yeah, that's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. So wait, your mom had a dad. Kaz and Jack get together. Okay. Make me and my sister.

They're rugby. They are on the same rugby team. Okay. My mom. He should have known. He should have known. You meet a girl on a rugby team and she leaves you later because she's gay. Dude, listen to this shit.

Her family tree tree it's just a stump yeah it's fucking wild okay so mom okay they start a they start a carpentry business together he still doesn't know okay then uh she she leaves him and then she gets with uh michelle so and then michelle was very so they're both it both I'm basically being raised by two dudes and then Michelle very motherly comes in and I'm like oh my god a mommy they raise me and then Michelle leaves my mom and meets Donna who becomes my step

mom so it's mom Michelle's other mom Donna's step mom and the three of them buddies bro I'll be honest I lost you it's like what the fuck is this I was with you with Michelle and then it was gone buddies. Bro, I'll be honest, I lost you. It's like, what the fuck is this? I start going pretty fast. I was with you with Michelle and then it was gone. It's just Michelle and mom split up

and then Michelle got new wife. You need to draw it. Did they all stay in the mix a little bit? Oh yeah, yeah. Still, very much still. So even though they split up, it's like, I'll still help Breeze. Yeah, and Donna was working as a carpenter for my mom when she met Michelle,

and then Michelle and Donna got together. This is just some carpentry like bang, bang. And I did carpentry. I had my own carpentry. And then so, yeah, and then dad and mom were competing businesses. Dad died, and now it's the three of them. And it's like my mom is like best friend slash dad. Michelle is like motherly mom.

And Donna is like stepdad who, step dad who gives you weed and lets you borrow a truck. That sounds pretty cool. Yeah, it's a good setup. But it is like no female, no feminine role models at all. So now I'm just the most lost straight person in the entire world.

It is so hard. Our podcast is basically a competition to find out who's gay first. You guys are a great match in that sense. You are the antithesis of the gay kid who's like, I'm gay and I don't know what to do about it. You're like, I'm straight

and I don't know what to do about it. Our dynamic is that I almost bring the feminine energy. Yeah. It's like Feidelberg. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. It's like Feidelberg. Yeah, I was going to say that's what I do. Yeah.

That's right. When you were giving advice yesterday and you were like, you need to go through the steps and I was like, you need to stop being a little bitch. Yeah, she's being mean. These people are like, the PageRot members are like,

I need advice and please help me. And she's like, first of all, you got to be so stop being such a little bitch. Second of all, be a fucking man. And I'm like, talk to yourself, you gotta be so stop being such a little f***. Second of all, be a f***ing man. And I'm like, talk to yourself. Tell yourself you have value.

I was like, read Jordan Peterson's. I'm like, what the f***? I was like, help me. It'll help you make your bed, idiot. Yeah. Jordan Peterson's wild. Bro, Jordan Peterson's gotta stop crying. Every time he's fucking

The last two appearances He's crying For somebody who's all about women be women and men be men He's being a little bitch And also, hey Look, cry Don't film it and don't put it on the internet He did an interview with McConaughey and started crying

Yeah, that's what I'm saying He's going through like an emotional fucked up thing. Stop filming. Stop talking to people. Cry all you want, but keep it inside and hide it. He cried talking to McConaughey? Yeah. About what?

I didn't see the McConaughey one. I saw the Piers Morgan one where Olivia Wilde said, you know, you are like the king of the incels. She was like, fuck Jordan Peterson and everyone who follows him. You're all like incel assholes. And Piers Morgan was like, what do you think of that? And he was just like, oh, it hurts. Yeah. It hurts.

It just hurts when I hear that because, like, I think about everybody. It was just like. I mean, it's a pretty accurate description. He was basically being like, you're bullying and you're calling these young men insane. He cried about being bullied? Yes. Bro. Say your thing, but don't cry about crying off camera.

Dude, you can't cry about getting bullied when you're an adult, man. Especially when you're Jordan Peterson, who's kind of, his thing is like, I'll go toe-to-toe and we'll debate and we'll argue and all that shit. That's such a chick move to cry, so then you can't go at him and then you look like a bully. Look at this Jordan Peterson video I made.

You're really going to like it. What? You're really going to like it. Are you showing us the content you made? Yeah. You were killing it for so long. What are you doing? But it's really good.

All there. I'm just going to donut break anyway. It's all good. All right, fair enough. Can we pull it up on the screen? Yeah, can we do that fast? Can we also pull up on the screen? Yeah, can we do that fast? Can we also pull up on the screen a video of her being a fucking monster in our hotel room? I don't know if we could.

Oh. We'll put it in. We can put it in, yeah. Okay, ready? Mm-hmm. This is what this guy talks like? Sons of bitches Exactly

Precisely It looks just like him I can't see it I think that's my first time Ever hearing Jordan Peterson talk That's the whole thing about it He talks like this. He cries.

He is very smart. He does have – the problem is he just went down a bad Twitter obsessed – he is smart when it comes – I mean, he's like taught it. Well, did you see when he called that girl fat and then when people made fun of him, he ran off his Twitter? He said not beautiful, which is so funny. It's funny because it's like Selena Gomez in the audience. The other day went.

Wait, what happened? I was on stage and she was like, I was like, is anybody going through breakup? And she was like. Selena Gomez? Yes. I don't believe this. Selena Gomez was not. If she was.

If that was really Selena Gomez, it would have been like page six news. Don't say where it was. Dude, because. You just said where it was.. Don't say where it was. Dude, because. You just said where it was. I didn't say where it was. I said on stage. You mentioned. Did I?

Okay. Fuck. Fucking idiot. Anyway. See? Selena Gomez used the word reject. Moron. When she was talking about.

She said what? She was like, he married a reject. Right? Wait, Selena Gomez heckled you on stage? I can say this. I can say this. Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. when she was talking about she said what? she was like he married a reject right? wait so Selena Gomez heckled you on stage? I can say this huh? yeah yeah yeah totally

it was I'm saying it's not her dude you can say that but literally it was Selena Gomez and everybody was freaking out really?

and yeah totally I'm just jealous I wasn't there yeah you're such a baby she's so hot he married a reject? yeah yeah yeah talking about not about Justin Bieber no no let's go I wasn't there. Yeah, you're such a baby. She's so hot. Did he marry a reject? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talking about?

Not about. Justin Bieber. No, no. Let's go! Woo! And apparently, I'm saying this because apparently she's like very, she like posted shit all the time and she's like open about it. But it was the same thing.

The word reject is so, it's like not beautiful. It's like such a mean but clean way of saying. It's like being like, he married an orphan. It's like crazy. Which is kind of a reject. But it's like so cutting but clean. Reject is a underused term. I ripped her apart for it.

You know what I use? Low-grade imbecile. I'm like, dude, you're stuck in the Disney Channel days. That's so funny. Reject is a word we used in the 90s. I love it. I'm an American reject. It's crazy. it, I'm like, dude, you're stuck in the Disney Channel days. That's so funny. Reject is a word we used in like the 90s. I love it. I'm an American reject. It's crazy.

Bring it back. I know. I think so. But that's how I felt about Jordan Peterson, where he was like, not beautiful. I was like, you could have said not sexy or unhealthy, overweight, not beautiful. Just the most like subjective term. Like you can look at this and be like, I find beauty in it. Yeah.

It's so funny. But then everyone was like, dude, you're an asshole. And he's like, I'm leaving Twitter. It's too much to handle. Twitter has broken his brain. I mean, Twitter has broken a lot of brains. Oh, it's broken mine, for sure. Mine's dead.

I'm actually hoping with Elon that maybe... You're not on it at all? Oh, she doesn't have a Twitter. That's so smart. Can you, from a broken brain, get it back if Twitter's destroyed you? I think you can if you get off Twitter. It just doesn't work right anymore. I need the dopamine hit of the likes and the retweets.

I guess it's social media in general, but Twitter is my social media of choice. My thing is just I actually don't really check likes and retweets anymore. I'm more like I wake up, I open my eyes, I grab my phone, and I'm just like, what's happening in the world? And I'm on Twitter. I actually don't know if that's the worst thing in the world. I'm always just like, what's happening in the world? You're reading the newspaper in the morning?

Yeah, but at the same time, it's like, what is the source that you're reading? Yeah, and also we got a little taste of it here. So when I make videos for Instagram every couple days, we send them to our social team. And they tell me what can go up and what can't go up with all these rules. And I was talking to those guys about it. So they go to all these conferences and they read all the rules and they actually follow it. And they're like, you really don't even understand how much you're being kind of puppeteered and controlled.

Even when you think like, I'm just on Instagram. It's like, they're feeding you exactly what it's like. Oh, dude. Not to be some like tinfoil. No, it's the truth. And everyone's just like, free speech. We should be able to say what we say. And then when they post it, they censor the cuss words

because they'll get community guidelines so there is no free space this is free space man this is it right it's also crazy when you go to the circles of stories i'm like how does it know everybody that i've had a crush on dated dated for a day and none of them thought about yeah like he's like eighth on the list i'm like why is he down there but this one dude who I've been thinking about, who I made out with once. How do you know? Bro, yo, I saw a friend I hadn't seen in forever. Not even on Instagram, not even in person.

Hadn't seen his ex in forever on Instagram or in person. He was on stage. We didn't even talk. He was on stage. Didn't say her name. Mentioned ex-girlfriend. an Instagrammer in person. He was on stage. We didn't even talk. He was on stage, didn't say her name, mentioned ex-girlfriend. I go on Instagram and she is the first thing

that popped up on my feed. And that information alone should be like, get her into the river. But instead I'm like, let me post and tag. I'm a slave to this piece of shit thing. I've chosen this over relationship.

There's a documentary on Netflix. I forget the name of it. It's a movie called Big Dad or whatever. The Dahmer tapes? Great. But someone poses a question. They're like, they're actually not listening to you. What?

And he's describing how they're not listening to you. And he's like, but I say that's scarier. He's like, they just know how to read your phone that well, like what you slowed down. Not even what you like. It's reading like what you slowed down on. And it's like, oh, he might like that. But how did that chick pop up on my thing then?

No, because I've literally said to a guy, I've been like, oh, I don't like DeWalt. I like Makita. And then it's immediately Makita. No, I think they are listening, but I think that they can go beyond that. Like, literally, it's like you scroll, scroll, scroll. Oh, I stopped for a second. Scroll, scroll, scroll.

They see that stop. And they're like, okay, he liked that too. Like, everything about your behavior. He was arguing there's no. I think they're also listening. He was arguing they're not. It's both. It's both.

But it's also like. Bro, my old roommate was making fun of my teeth, and then all these fucking dentist ads were popping up. If you don't think that Amazon, Alexa, people are just always talking and saying what they need and want and that's all being cataloged. I kind of like the ad thing. Yeah, because it gives you what you want. It knows exactly what I want.

There's definitely some benefits to Big Brother, for sure. I mean, one day we'll be living in a dystopian future. The problem is you buy them off Instagram and they're dog shit. Everything they send you is chintzy shit. Yeah, for sure. All right, this ad is brought to you by Freebird. Did you know, and this is a shocking revelation to me as well right now, did you know most bald people are shaving their head wrong?

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is giving our listeners an exclusive discount. Visit myfreebird.com slash KFC for 20% off. That's myfreebird.com slash KFC and get 20% off today. Everything's like 400% off. It's like, that's curious. But it's too much work to literally look at the name and go, okay, Google,

what is blah? The same version. I'm just like, give me now credit card information already. Dude, dude, the Apple pay is disastrous. If you just let go and not,

and don't care. It's great. And then you view it. So no, that's so dumb i hate that everyone's like eat mushrooms i ate mushrooms of the pandemic and then i started posting reels and it was like you know when you're high and you think about social media and you're like i have to take everything down i ever made i'm such an idiot on mushrooms you like view it so much as a separate

thing that's like a sad monster trying to dominate you that you can just like manipulate but i have you have to like tap back and because then it does start to like overcome you yeah you can free yourself of that of that feeling of i'm attached to it you know that it's a separate entity and i don't do mushrooms and i figured that out yes you're drug addict i'm proud of you i hate when people say first of all mushrooms are not drugs I mean they are drugs but it's a different thing they're from their plant man

they're from the earth that's not what I'm saying it just is a different thing we'll do mushrooms no I'm not no I'm not touching have you never done mushrooms

why do you think I feel this way cause I've done mushrooms too much I'm very pro mushrooms I think they're very good they help me cure OCD I think that everybody should do them all theuncher I think they're very good They help me care OCD I think that everybody should do them all the time

I just think they're fun I don't find them helpful I'm totally sober, no drugs, no alcohol Nothing, I'm fun I'm fun I figure things out on my own I've reached into who I am I used to be a mess

And now I'm better Fun, no drugs I argue drugs are fun You should use drugs People should do drugs I'm not for anything but mushrooms I'm for whatever you want I'll concede mushrooms acid fine

Weed evil wrong bad It is releasing psychosis in people The amount of THC That's in it is fucking destroying Minds and all these lunatics You see in the city What do you know before they push someone on the subway They're fucking smoking a blunt and it's like

K2 and all this shit I think it used to be like you get a little high and you're good Now it's like Scientific You know when you see somebody smoking like a joint used to be like you get a little high and you're good now it's like yeah dude scientific you know when you see somebody smoking like a joint during like at like 2 p.m that shit i'm like how i also when i watch someone take down like a whole joint themselves yeah oh my god i take a two hits and i am like gone for the literal two and then you're walking around the city and the whole entire

city's hot box you're like what, what are we doing, man? That's too much for me. I hate weed. When I hear people, you know, the Joey Diaz's of the world are on like 2,500 milligrams. It's crazy. I'm like, I'm on like 12. Joey Diaz has like thousands of milligrams. Well, bro.

He'll do edibles. I did 25 on accident one time. Right. And I'm like, oh. Some people can handle it. Right. All the power to them good luck best of luck god bless you but they build it up the most people have some form of

latent mental illness and this brings it to the surface and they get in a drug-induced psychosis a hospital out west i believe san francisco or san diego i i may be wrong on that but they're having 36 episodes a day people coming in with psychosis. We didn't do psychosis. More people than are coming in on meth or fentanyl. It's crazy because it brings things to the surface. I had a buddy, dear friend, entire life. We just had a thing where he was in like

a total weed fucking different world and he tried to fight me. It was fucking nuts. Yeah. It was crazy. It is crazy well maybe you were just talking with your hands look i admit i'm mentally ill okay which is why i don't do it because i don't want to get to that point where it's fucking i ate like a little bit of an

edible the other night to try and sleep that was like mixed with you know cbd or something and i still i was like yeah i got to sleep because i had to breathe myself down from a panic what i do is i do that it was crazy and i'll be like high the entire next day and get like so depressed that i'm so dumb because i'm still so high yeah that like it's like it feels like running in sand when i'm like i can't even have a conversation what the fuck is wrong with me yeah it's like oh i'm still high from last night right now if that's what happens cool great but don't give me this bullshit And it's like, oh, I'm still high from last night. I did that on Monday night. If that's what happens, cool, great. But don't give me

this bullshit that it's like, not addictive, it's not harmful, it's medicine, it's DD. But everything's addictive too, though.

Like, people do it with coffee. Or you're addicted to coffee. I don't know. I can stop coffee. Mushrooms are good. I just like coffee. Which is what an addict says. Stop anytime I want, Azzy!

No, it's mine! You could never stop. Also, who the fuck am I? I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. And we're both on antidepressants. You're right! What the fuck am I even talking about, man? You have so much drugs, dude.

I'm an ex-drug addict! I added psychosis to it for weed. Ah, fuck. All right, live your best life. Who gives a shit? I love it.

It is like, nowadays when people are like, well, you're addicted to coffee. I don't, yeah, I mean, you're right, I guess. I'm also addicted to sugar because I eat fast food and I'm addicted to water

because I drink it all the time. Addicted to oxygen. Everything's an addiction now. I'm addicted to food. Let because I drink it all the time. Everything's an addiction now. I'm addicted to food. Let's relax a little bit. Live your best life. Do it. Do it.

Who gives a shit? All right, fucking live your best life. That's the perfect girl. It's just that being around people who are even the tiniest bit high is such a bummer. And the only people they connect with is somebody who's also high.

And they're just the dumbest thoughts you've ever... But also, that's what happens on Twitter. Everybody gets fucking jacked up and high and they live in this weird fucking world and then they tweet out and then people are like oh yeah and they're high too and then that becomes real

I would love to know if I didn't do this job if I would be on social media because I really don't think I would be but that's probably I admire that so much when I talk to people and they're like I don't have social media I'm like god bless me both my parents are like barely know how to use the people and they're like, I don't have social media. I'm like, God bless you. I think it's the cool, both my parents are like barely know how to use the internet.

They're pretty young too. In another life, I'd be a firefighter without the internet. I went to the firefighter store yesterday. Just saying the N word to my boys at the bar. Oh, dude. Yeah, just ending it up. You know? Why not?

If you met a guy and you said, what's your Instagram? And he didn't have an Instagram, what would you think of that i would suck a dick on the spot yeah oh my god yeah or if you see one and it's just kind of shitty yeah there's four photos one with him's like sister's new baby or something yeah that's great oh i want to fuck you yeah it's the ironic ones that are curated well that i'm like you we need to stay away from me yeah dude it's a double a chick will be so hot and it's all these pictures of her in bikini and that but then it's like oh you're a nurse you're crazy everything is just you someone is just selfies yeah that's that's so weird like i mean i know you can make money now every one of my posts is about me

but like i'm trying to think of if, I guess the equivalent would be like, if in the 90s you met somebody and you went home and you went to their apartment and you opened it up and there was just pictures of themselves all over the wall, you'd be like, what the fuck is this? As comedians, my niece, I just saw her and she was looking through my, I was like, you can look through my photos. And she was like, why are they all, because it was just videos and clips of me and photos of people. And she was like, why is it all of you? And I was like you can look through my photos and she was like why are they all because it was just videos and clips of me and photos and she was like why is it all of you and i was like um yeah it is i think i would def i mean i know i would have social media because i had it before

i was a comic but it was like not to the level of a campfire yeah and it was once a month i would post something or like a picture of my friend looking dumb or something but isn't it weird when you see people who aren't comics now who have it and you're like it's so

and they post a lot I'm like who why are you even doing this that's so weird you're blasting one we have to because of our job I argue that's almost more fun

like I have like one of my best friends has like 50 followers and he has stories like he is Kim Kardashian really like him talking to the camera hilarious but like he is Kim Kardashian. Really? Like him talking to the camera. Hilarious. But he knows it's just going out to his 50 boys. Yeah.

So it's actually a big group text. Twitter's the worst. Instagram is one thing because I do think you do see some cool things, take some good pictures. That's something that everybody has always done is take pictures, right? But Twitter is like I need to get my thoughts off and we do it because

it's like we have an audience but the hubris of thinking people care you you think that your this opinion matters to these people i've really gotten all the storytelling like and where they say like you know uh they use names like we know who you know brian said this to me yeah yeah nobody knows who your fucking husband i've really been doing this thing where I check myself where if I'm like fired up and I'm about to tweet, I go, who, why? Why does my thing have to be said? You did that on stage. Oh, my God. When you did this whole meltdown about trans kids.

Oh, yeah. And he had a whole meltdown being hilarious. And then he gets to a point where you and I watched it come into his head where he was like, why am I? Why do I care? And you were like, I don't know why I care. Nobody asked anything. Maybe I'm a hypocrite, okay? It was so funny.

Existential crisis. You watched him be like, who am I? It was so good. It is. I do that all the time. I've started doing that. Because I have. We've talked about it recently.

My Twitter is just bad. Oh, it's so funny. Yeah. The other day he had like seven tweets with a total of like. No, I had, it was, I had, I sent 17 tweets in a day, had 42 retweets in total. Total. Shut up. So like, we're averaging like a little over two retweets per tweet.

He has like hundreds of thousands of followers. It's borderline, it's literally impossible. I see that and I'm like, he bought his followers. He's like, oh no, he sucks. I swear I've never paid a fucking cent for a follower. Never a cent. Years ago, Karen Feehan and Micah Fox had a podcast. And on the podcast, they took my tweets and called the suicide hotline and just read them my tweets.

It was incredible. Yeah. It was amazing. That's hilarious. That's really, really funny. We're on the other end. It's like, you need to check yourself in right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, listen, buddy, I don't usually say this, but end it. Just do it. Yeah, yeah. I just feel like with tweets, comics are like, there's some things that you can't make a joke out of, and it's a joke. I just feel like everything, if you were going to post it on Twitter, it is something you could say on stage. Oh, I think you can say, if you were going to post it on Twitter, it is something you could say on stage. Oh, I think you could say a lot more on stage

than you can on Twitter. I think when you put things in writing, I think you need to say it on Instagram story. You lose context. You use words and kind of look like a headline or just like your name and a statement. And then I put my bias on it when I read it and I'm like, you piece of shit. No, I was a joke.

That's not all the time I was saying it. Why did you choose to read it that and I'm like, you piece of shit. They're like, no, I was a joke. That's not at all the tone I was saying. Why did you choose to read it that way? Yeah. Literally, yesterday, God bless him, Big Steve at the Cellar died, had his security, and it's massively sad and tragic. He was such a big part of all our lives, and we were all, like, posting memoriams for him

and also like a GoFundMe link for his family and everything. And I made this post and then like this guy was like, well, according to Day of the Dead, he's still around for a couple of days. So lucky you. And I was like, who the fuck do you think you are? What, in what world do you think it'd be cool to make a fucking joke?

And he's like, no, like Dios de Muertos. I thought he was talking about a zombie movie. This guy's gonna be a zombie for three days. And I'm like, how dare you disrespect Big Steve? And he's like, no, man, it's a legitimate thing I believe in. And I'm like, oh, I'm the moron because I'm emotional right now.

Wait, the guy you were attacking on our podcast yesterday, you realized he was... What? The guy that you were talking about on the podcast yesterday. Who did I attack? You got into a fight with him and you blocked him. Oh, that was another guy. Oh, different guy. Yeah, I was in a mood yesterday, man.

All right, look, I was very upset. I'm better now, you know. It's very sad. I took some mushrooms. I'm all set. Yeah, right. Over my dead body. I'm going to slip you some.

Yeah. I've worked too damn hard on myself with sobriety and therapy to ruin it with some sort of outside thing. I'm going to turn the eyeballs out and go inward. There you go.

Alright, so the podcast is Bein' Ian with Jordan. Yes. And when's it drop? Free episodes Monday. Early and bonus episodes podcast is being being in with jordan yes and when when's it drop uh free episodes monday early and bonus episodes friday your guys just came out let's go we're loving it you guys were great uh live show live show yes live show november 7th monday new york comedy club east village 10 30 p.m it's us stuff island tommy Tommy Pup, and Chris O'Connor. Oh, wow. What a combo. Mike Racine's opening it up. It's going to be a fucking blast.

What a combo that is. Are you guys doing it together? Or you go on for an hour, they go on for an hour? No, no, no. They're our guests. Oh, dope. So it's me and Jordan. And we've done a live show before, and it's fucking great.

We do sets, and then we come out and hang out, talk. And then we have someone go around, and the crowd asks us advice or just questions in general it's a fucking blast that's gonna be so much fun yeah and november 17th to 19th i'm headlining philadelphia punchline come on out at a boy yes it's gonna be a fucking blast my tickets so that the other punchlines when does this one no i can fill up a club for a weekend. I can keep buying cigarettes. IanFidance.com and PunchlinePhilly.com and on my Instagram, iAnimal69. iAnimal69, love it. Jordan, what's yours?

This weekend, I'm at Des Moines Funny Bone. And then the following weekend, I'm at Cap City in Austin. And then the following weekend I'm at Cap City in Austin and then the following weekend I'm at the Riot Comedy something in Houston. Yes. Come to those. Please, Des Moines, Iowa, please for the love of God. Yes. YouTube.com slash Beanie and Pod.

There needs to be like a way to convey, like seriously. Des Moines, yeah. Cap City, Riot, you can stay at home, but Des Moines yeah Cap City right yeah you can stay at home but I know yeah yeah I'm in Ohio this weekend I know that Saturday it's like come or don't I don't know yeah whatever but fucking Philly come out December 8th Pittsburgh Improv also do that our last ad of the day is brought to you by our pals over at Ridge Wallet

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I like this whole thing you got going on. It's not me. I looked at it and I was like, I look like a bad gap ad, but thank you. He says, not you. Are these all the notes about me? That's my book of secrets. This is one of those books where it's like, ah! There's horrors in there.

Like the Hocus Pocus book. Which, by the way, Hocus Pocus 2, right? I just watched it. I watched both, one and two. I've seen it a million times. My kids, who are six and four, and they just learned to sit still for a whole movie, and so this was the one.

Did your kids watch Toy Story? No, they have not watched Toy Story yet. Here, let me see your phone. Just stay out of the phone reel. Let me see your camera roll. There's a voice memo section. When they watch, I played, what's their names? Keegan and Shay.

Keegan and Shay. When they watch Toy Story 4, I played this character Forky. Okay. So you have to play this for them. All right, and this is amazing. Yes, please. They're at the age, which is great, because they don't know human beings behind that voice.

Right. It's really Forky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so what's their names again behind that voice. Right. It's really Forky. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait. So what's her name again? Keegan and Shay.

Okay. Ready? Here we go. Hey, Keegan. Hey, Shay. This is Forky from Toy Story. How's it going? Hey, I have heard you are the most amazing kids and I just wanted to say hello.

All right. I hope you have a great week. Bye bye. Thank you, man. That was awesome. That was unbelievable. You're going to love that. It's your bad point

yeah I'm gonna save this right now my cheeks are from smiling already in this interview this is unbelievable wouldn't it be funny

if he was like you motherfuckers stop bothering your dad that monster owner bread is real don't look in the closet that was so good I'm gonna email okay we're water drinkers Don't look in the closet.

That was so good. I'm going to email. Okay, we're water drinkers around here. Oh, yeah. We got a lot. Actually, you want to know what I just did? I wonder if you find this disgusting. It's happening.

So I just sat down. We were just doing a different podcast, and I sat down, and there were three half-drank waters in front of me. I don't know who any of them belonged to, but I was like, might as well not waste them. So I just drank. Consolidated them all? No as well not waste them. So I just drank them all. I just drank them all. It's a good habit. Like in college, you don't leave any wounded soldiers behind. If there's a water bottle around, I'll just drink it.

Your hair's gotten long, man. It actually really has snuck up on me. The plan is to go through. I think I'm just going to. What I do is actually I was on a podcast, Chicks in the Office, which is a podcast A couple of girls have here Yeah

And before the show Ria was like So what's What's going on here Like your plan She's like You go from like Really clean cut

To really And I could tell her Was searching for a word That wasn't completely insulting Yeah She goes rugged And I was just like Yeah in the winter

I kind of let shit go And then in the summer I clean it up But I think I'm gonna go Buzz cut And then shave it And I was just like, yeah, in the winter I kind of let shit go and then in the summer I clean it up. But I think I'm going to go buzz cut. And I think I'm going to let it go and then buzz cut.

You're going to do a buzz cut. Yeah. I haven't done a buzz cut probably since like Little League. Yeah, see, when you get in your 50s,

you never do a buzz cut. Yeah. Yeah, I'm 52. You hold on to those follicles like they are just jewels. Absolutely. That is my real fear.

I used to shave my head when I was a kid, and I – not a kid, like 20s. I thought you started to shit your head. I used to shit my head. But I used to love that feeling. And nothing was on your ears, and you were never hot, and whatever. But then late 20s, early 30s started to look at my hairline a little bit and I was like, if I shave it,

I don't know if it's coming back. I don't want to risk it. There's that young when you're shaving, you have the assurance. Like, this is going to grow back. You don't have that assurance. I don't have that assurance. You look great.

Thank you. I would never have guessed 50, would you? Me? Yeah, I think you look 50. Hey, you're older than fuck. I don't know if that's 50. I just don't think 50's old at all. I think he's about to die soon. That's actually maple syrup.

This is whiskey though. There you go. That's marketing right there. That looks like whiskey. People are getting into like, for your pancakes, like, what? What?

You know, use it at breakfast, the whistle pig. What are you saying, 50 is the new 30? I just don't think 50 is old at all. Here's what I think. I think, and I don't know yet. I'm 38. I'm almost 38. All right?

Yeah, something like that. You're 38. How old are you? 34. Okay. And I think that my 30s were particularly shitty. I think 40s will probably be shitty too. And then I think 50s are cool.

I think like 20s are cool because it's fun. I think the middle is what sucks. When you have kids and you're raising them and you're maybe – you're not like – by the time you're 50, God willing, if you have like a good career, you're kind of at like the top almost or you've really established yourself. And then 30s and 40s is like, man, I should be partner and I'm not or whatever your various thing may be. Yeah, the thing – the challenge is as a 52-year-old man, the challenge is everything you just said is focused on career. Yeah.

And that's I think where it's kind of like bringing awareness to like how much power I'm giving to, oh, when I want to get to this place. Because I think if you give too much power, you're going to get there and be like, oh, what's next? I've noticed that a lot about myself and I think other people. Yeah, I didn't feel the way I thought I was going to feel. But it's the thing of being present is the key. Yeah. Did you feel that? Because I'm sure there's a point in time where you would be like man to have made it on a sitcom of and be a massive celebrity

to be the most famous man in the world but you would have been like oh my old self i could have told you that was all i ever did and i would be so satisfied but then you do it and you're like well i want to do a movie and now i want to do this and it's the thing of like in this business it's like you have value when this happens in life you have value

if you do this the fact is your value before success before the success was the same value you have now that's the fact

and that's what you have to remember I actually wrote a book years ago by the way guys where's your monocle I've got a memoir no it's a it's a book called Archibald's Next Big Thing it was a book years ago. By the way, guys. Where's your monocle? I've got a memoir. No, it's a book called Archibald's Next Big Thing.

It was a long time ago. But it was about this little chicken who got a card in the mail that said, your big thing is here. And he's like, where? And he goes on all these great adventures. But every time he's on an adventure, he's like, I've got to get to my next big thing. And this bee comes along.

And the bee's like, you've got to just be, man. You've got to just be. And then in the end, he realizes the card is right. Your big thing is here. Like, my big thing is talking to you guys right now. That's my big thing. Oh, heavens. Heavens.

You had me right up until the end. I was like, this is insightful, and I get this. And it's like, right now, my big thing is this stupid podcast. At the very best, it's your medium thing. It is. At the best. It is. You know what I think?

And I'm going to start a movement And it's gonna be Kind of embarrassing I think a lot of adults Should read more children's books Because That Even just that right there Was like

I was like Oh that makes more sense to me And then I was telling a story The other day About how my mom I have a three week old nephew And my mom Got him a book

Called Frankie and Gloob And I love the title She handed it to me And she's like, you should read this. I think you'd like it. Which I found incredibly insulting. She's like, you're Gloob. So Frankie

and Gloob is, Frankie is a young hippopotamus who has a sad monster. And that's Gloob. And the book's about depression and stuff like that. So he's not Gloob, but he has a Gloob. And it's about how really about depression and stuff like that but he has a glue and it's about how uh really i gotta be honest uh in the book the advice isn't the best it is name your sad monster so you have someone to fight an enemy which actually isn't the worst idea gloob is the

sad monster and uh and the number two piece of advice is to dance a lot and yeah and i i guess that would work yeah i don't know when i When I'm having gloob in the room, I don't really feel like dancing. But I will say this. What's interesting is I did a play two years ago, and it was practically a one-man play because in the end somebody comes in. Again.

Mostly BT dubs. But it was kind of scary. Every night I thought I was going to have a panic attack in front of the crowd. It was like a thousand. I was like, tonight's the night I'm going to have a panic attack. And I remember there was always this anxious voice in me that's like, get ready. You're going to go down.

You're going to forget every line. You're just going to lose your mind. And before I would always be like, get out. Done. But this time around, this therapist would say, hey, why don't we start. So I would start going. I would start talking to that voice. And I would say, hey, I appreciate you being here I know you're

trying to protect me I'm really I'm really thankful for it I'm gonna why don't you sit here I'm gonna go do the show and we'll come back and we'll be back yeah but it's the sense of the more the more you try to push it away the bigger it gets yeah the more you embrace like if somebody but it's like yeah this is a part of me I do it'm going to kind of befriend it. Like, oh, yeah, there's that crazy thought again. There's that, you know, it's like you're watching cars on a highway. There's that emotion.

There it is. But it's just a part of you. The telling you appreciate it, at first I was like, whoa, whoa, hang on. This is an enemy. We don't give quarters to the enemy. But that does make sense now. You've got a job to do too. Your job is to torment me relentlessly, push me to the brink.

But in life, how much more do you like, honestly, when I think of something I can't, anytime you give compassion to something, it does lessen the power of the resentment or whatever it is. It just lessens the power. That is fantastic advice. This is great. I'm having a great little therapy session here. While we're doing advice.

Seems like I'm totally drunk. On maple syrup. These are your wise, you know, 50s. Drunk words. Yeah. While we're doing wisdom, where do you get your underwear at? Okay. I love that question.

Okay, good. Because I'm in the market, and I just... My favorite thing is when you ask the question, he turned to me and goes... Is there something I don't know about? I didn't know. Did you post on social media about underwear or something? No.

No, no, no. Well, I did say it. I did that. What's going on? Are you guys fucking with me? I had a hard time finding underwear this morning without a hole in it. I just need to revamp my underwear.

I plead to Calvin Klein all the time. This kind of boxer briefs... First of all, you got a tan line. Did you go to Turkish? No, it just stays on me for a little while. Calvin Klein once made this boxer briefs

that wasn't like, everything now is like Under Armour, like moisture wicking performance gear. I'm like, I just want some cotton underwear, man. And they discontinued them and they changed them a little bit. And I plead with them all the time to just go back. I also have a problem where I am very big on the bottom. I'm very disproportionate.

Brother, let me tell you. Are you talking like a tire on the stomach? No, it's actually my ass. It's not even the bottom. I'm very disproportionate. Brother, let me tell you something. Are you talking like a tire on the stomach? Kind of. No, it's actually my ass. It's not even the hips. Okay, see, I'm like a split pancake. I got nothing. Me too.

I go back to legs, baby. I kind of got a split. I am pushing. I wear XL boxers, they're like still very uncomfortable and I'm like brother I can't wear how did you put that I got like a heavy

what did you say like I got a lot down heavy load yeah I'm like I thought you were also talking about like the front part I was like

yeah yeah yeah I was like easy man let's okay talk about like imagine if I just casually like I just got a hammer in there man

and it is just so disgusting you know how it goes but I just can't have double there, man. And it is just so disgusting. You know how it goes. But I just can't have double XL underwear was my point. So anyway, but where do you get yours? I used to get it at Uniqlo, and I really liked Uniqlo. Okay. And my thing is I'm not a fan of that kind of what you're talking about.

But what I don't like is putting on underwear and then it loses its grip. And then it just becomes like, almost like boxers, but they're just kind of like flappy. I used to wear boxers. I used to be staunchly like, boxer briefs are weird. They're all tight on you. And then I made the switch over. And then one time I had no other clean underwear. So I wore boxers, not boxer briefs.

I mean, it's like, it's like putting on tableclothcloth down it's like there's so much fabric under my pants like what is all of you want to do you kind of want to move I kind of um I wonder if we should go back to if I should go back to the whiteys I might just start wearing a thong which I don't even understand that concept Kevin's tired of the panty lines. It's like floss. I mean, it's like you're rubbing it. I don't get it at all. But, you know,

if you go from maybe it is a progression. So maybe we'll go to Tidy Whitey's next. I do think Tidy Whitey's It keeps it in. Again, as you get older, I think more acceptable.

You know? A Tidy Whitey? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've seen Walter White when you're a little kid Walter White Walter White was out there

probably mid 50s you're probably right around time I can switch back I stay in my clothes until it's time to go to bed this guy will wear like this and I stay fully clothed in bed

I like a never news it's kind of a never ending debate with us where it's like Kevin gets home and just constantly puts on sweatpants

right away I go through the doorway. Shirt off, pants off, I'm in sweatpants within like legitimately 30 seconds. I will stay fully dressed because you don't know what's going to happen. What if someone calls you and is like, yo, you want to go out? I got to take you

to the game. Well, great. I have my clothes on already. Perfect. Alright, you save 10 minutes while you sit in, not even 10 minutes, 30 seconds. 30 seconds. while you sit in, not even 10 minutes, 30 seconds. 30 seconds. While you sit in uncomfortability and all that. But you've also got a six-year-old and a four-year-old. You've got to be comfortable.

So, you know, what's funny is I have passed that on to them as well. So, I'm divorced. So, when I have the kids, they are immediately like, I'm going to put on jammies. I'm like, it's Saturday at like 2 p.m. and I was going to take you mini golfing, but fuck it. We're going mini golfing in our pajamas. It's comfort. Yeah.

I mean, comfort over. It's also habitual. Habitual. Like if there's things that I've gotten used to, it's like, it doesn't even matter if I don't want to do anymore. It's just a part of my routine. Just put the changing into that or whatever. Yeah.

So wait, are you, will you be a sweatpants guy at home or would you wear like regular clothes? No, I'll be a sweatpants, will you be a sweatpants guy at home or will you wear like regular clothes? No, I'll be a sweatpants. I'll be a sweatpants. I just got to the place where I used to always sleep with a t-shirt on because I kind of like got,

I don't know, I was always cold. Yeah. And then I turned an age where I started getting like hot in bed and so now I- You sleep naked, okay. No.

My wife would be like, put that back on. Get that out of here. Shoot that back get that out of here shoot shoot get out of here I was sleeping out like a shirtless and I love it

I'm like why didn't I do this my whole life I kind of went the opposite way I always just slept in boxers and then

I actually we sell merch here and I made great merch by the way oh yeah that's right you said you loved it but one of the things I focused on we had a guy who did barstool outdoors he would hunt and mountain climb and i did barstool

indoors and i made a line of like basically loungewear pajamas and they and they're so thin that i almost i wear them and it's it's like i don't even notice them so all of a sudden i went from the opposite i started wearing like long sleeve and pants but But my new shit, did you see my tweet the other day about the man nightgown? Yo, I bought one of these for my buddy for Christmas like two years ago. Does he wear it? He wears it all the time. Like a onesie?

Yeah. Like a nightgown. Like a dress onesie. Oh, yeah. Dude. I am in like full Scrooge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I almost need one of those hats and I'll carry it around.

Charlie's grandfather? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. What about sleeping? That's what I Yeah, yeah, yeah. I almost need one of those hats and I'll carry it around. Yeah. Charlie's grandfather. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. What about sleeping? That's what I don't know, though. But I would walk around that in a second. I think sleeping in it's almost like that on top of a cover or sheets. It's almost too much stuff.

Yeah, but the freedom of walking around in that. I would love to take the garbage out, too. I'm not going to go out in public in that, but I do want to get outside. But you'd start a movement where people would start to feel free. There you go. Next thing you know, man. I was going to say too, I'm not a slippery slope guy, but I think if you become a nightgown man, it's a slippery slope to sundress.

By the way, you'd look stunning. Imagine I'm just twirling. Kevin comes in, sundress pair ofverse what's up girls like all right kevin we gotta talk you gotta stop wearing dresses out i did once i wore the uh the on tiktok there was a pair of like stretchy leggings for girls that was it went viral of like these are the girls uh these are the pants that make your ass look great and as aforementioned i'm bigger on my lower half you're talking about a lot it sounds like you're kind of proud of that cake back there but i i put on like the girl like the magic tiktok uh yoga pants and i was popping that thing yeah yeah

i think i sent a picture of like just my butt like Nobody would know if it was a guy or a girl. Sent it around. People were like, oh, wow, look at that girl. Gotcha, bitch. It's just me. Who's the real loser here, though? What were those tights that that documentary was made of? The hosiery where it was like a – shoot, it was on Netflix. The whole documentary?

Yeah, it was like this movement where they had all those leggings that had pictures on them and all this stuff. But it was like a bad pyramid scheme. Oh, yeah. It was like an empire that came crashing down. All built on... All built on cake. While we're asking you our inner debates,

we have one more for you. Are you bar soap or are you liquid soap? Ooh, this is a big one right now. Let's break this down. I'm you bar soap or are you liquid soap? Ooh, this is a big one right now. Okay, let's break this down. Yeah, yeah. I'm full bar soap. Man! There we go, Tony! You'd be surprised. Actually, do we do

a poll? It's the least amount of effort. That's the thing. You always gotta go back to the pump if it's liquid. It is. But also people say... Oh, we're talking about the shower. Right. Okay. But if you're in the shower, you're always da da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah. And then rubbing on your body.

Yes. But if you've got a piece of soap, you're just going all over the place. Keep it going. Keep it going. The only argument I will make is dropping the soap sometimes can be a pain in the ass. It can be a pain, but that's fine. And the container you put the soap in, it can slip off too much. So you've got to find something with a grip.

Yeah. That is very true. Yep. But the last longer gets you cleaner... Last longer gets you cleaner. Last longer gets you cleaner. People have... People were mentioning loofahs. First of all, on a body wash,

nowhere on the instructions does it say get a loofah. Yeah, they just want... It just says body wash. Yeah. So I never... Whenever I use body wash my whole life, I never used a loofah.

I don't understand why you would need a loofah. You don't need a loofah if you're a soap guy. Because the real argument that we were saying is a bar of soap gets you clean. It's, I don't know. Body wash is like

you're just rubbing lotion on your body. And the body wash people say, well, you got to get the loofah to like suds it up and scrub you. It's like, well, that's probably because

the product you're using doesn't really get you. It's like, yeah, if I took sandpaper and I just scrubbed it on me, then it would get the dirt off. But I just use a bar of soap. A dove bar of soap, strict dove guy, and it is so far superior to a body wash.

You have some dove right there, right? Yeah. Oh, it's in my bag. This all came up because I went shopping for a bar of soap yesterday. And that's how podcasts work. I like that cucumber smell. Some of them have that cucumber smell. Yeah, he's got the cucumber?

Where's my bag at? I'll take your word for it because that was a genuine reaction. I of them have that cucumber. Yeah, he's got the cucumber. Where's my bag at? I'll take the garbage can. Because that was a genuine reaction. I got to get the cucumber out. I got to get it out. There you go. Oh, yeah, I know the exact one. That color.

Wow, you got the Costco pack. And this, actually, this is, I've got the 12 pack before. I got double this. Dove really, man, you can smell it through here. It's great. And this is actually your parting gift. You get some swag And you get the Dove

Wait no Yeah yeah yeah I haven't had soap In three weeks I finally remembered To go to Duane Reade Do you know what I don't like Is this

And granted This sounds like This is such a first world Thing I'm saying But when they put Like a sandy texture In a soap And it's supposed

To exfoliate your skin I like I like a lot of foam And I like to Yeah Anything that feels Scratchy I just don't understand And it's supposed to exfoliate your skin. I like a lot of foam and I like to anything that feels scratchy I just don't understand. And it's not enough that it's actually exfoliating. You know what I mean? You're like, because I know exfoliating.

I get facial. The the borrow soap is funny too because I'd be willing to bet at some point – I think this happens when you first go to college. But I think every guy at some point when they are first on their own dorm, apartment, whatever,

and it's time to go buy it, you buy Irish Spring Sport. Oh, yeah. That's like the one. That smells on your body for like a week. It's like a shower. It's not even soap. It's like a bar of cologne. You walk in the bathroom and you're like, yeah, someone's like the one. That smells on your body for like a week. It's like a shower. It's not even soap. It's like a bar of cologne. You walk in the bathroom and you're like, yeah, someone's got Irish Sprite going on.

That was because it just suds up and like. I feel like a lot of guys in their high school, college phase, era, have almost a bit of an Irish fetish. Where like everyone's like, I'm Irish, I'm Irish, I'm Irish. And then you hear an Irish accent in the commercial and you're like, this is the soap of my people. How could I possibly use anything else? It definitely to me was like, this is not girly. This is Irish spring sport.

That guy's got a cable knit sweater on. And a skirt. I got your next merch. Here's your next merch Ready? Do the soap on a rope Uh huh And then come

Bring a Sell a hook with it So the hook that you put On your shower wall Just has the You don't have to You don't have to put it On the old platter

And it says bar Whatever Stool Soap Yeah And put it on a rope And you just grab it And put it back on the hook

I forgot about soap on a rope. Let's get a hook manufacturer on the line right now, today. Got a hook guy? Access. Don't have to worry

about it slipping off. I can't look at you say the word hook without just thinking. I'm a monster! You got a hook? Actually, let's cross market.

That'd be amazing. It's Buster's hook. And you just go, I'm a monster! I'm not much of a memorabilia guy at all, but if I ever got really rich, I would buy... I would buy Buster's hook and put it on the mantle.

What is that? In like a Beauty and the Beast container. It's got this big glass thing. Don't touch it! You can just see my face with the hook in every shower. It's like, hello! Give me your soap! Give me your soap!

God. Busted. I actually follow one of the Bluth quotes accounts kind of deal. And they very recently, in fact, I think it was last night, they retweeted a screenshot of... I'd be interested to know what you think of that. I'm going to pull it up right now. It was the Bluth family intervention.

And it actually had John Levenvinstein replied and said was this your favorite scene to shoot and uh he added you you didn't reply will arnett said it's truly the hardest i've ever laughed in my life david cross said that was insane i think i bruised my ribs from laughing so hard what's the date on it uh it's actually um what's the for the tweet it's actually but the no no it's old They retweeted old. It's from 2020. It's 4-5-2020. So is it they remark off of, are there remarks off of? This is the screenshot.

This is you talking to a 52-year-old man. So who's remarking? Who's the man behind this machine? How are they talking to this picture? This is another thing I'm like, so like Will did it 4, 5, 20. Does that mean he remarked on 4, 5, 20? Are you fucking with me right now?

Why do you keep saying remarks? Yeah. Did he talk back to this picture Through the phone Did he talk back To this picture On May 4th Or April 4th They happened to read So young people

Why did they do this Why did they put this out Dude you're pretty active On Twitter Why is this happening Why is this not You were really active I've gotten more active

On the Insta So somebody Just you know For whatever reason is a fan of your show Who's the last comment? David Cross right? I don't even want to know if I want to introduce this This is a screenshot from Twitter So we're not actually on Twitter right now

When you say screenshot It's taking someone's screen And shooting it on that machine. I love this. Yeah, I mean, I don't... So... I genuinely want to ask. So, like, if they...

Oh, wait, hold on. If the last comment was that date, it's just a screenshot of this conversation. Yes. What happened was the Bluth account I follow retweeted it last night just just by happenstance screenshot of the conversation they screenshot the retweet of the conversation yeah and i was like oh like tony hale's coming in tomorrow this is like a great this is a great question that's great

if it's i do remember that scene because we we just watched it before you came in and it was funny but like but not that fun right but then... No, no, but I would never have guessed that these guys would be like, that was the funniest thing ever. But at the very end, it does have a clip of you just banging on the piano and he's like dancing like that. So I was wondering if that,

like, did that go on for like 10 minutes and you cut it down and edited it, but like behind the scenes, was it a fiasco? I think because I just did Smartless podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah. And they mentioned this scene and I think because I just did Smartless podcast. And they mentioned this scene and I think it's because

David Cross started to go off the rails. He just completely lost it and Jason and Will are in the back laughing. But I was in such a nervous state back then. I was just like, keep going! Keep going! I can't mess up. I'll lose my job. Were you really nervous even in those moments?

The whole first two and a half seasons I was a mess was that just because it was like one of your first big gigs and you like it was

I was dealing with that kind of like just not knowing what to expect being on a show and stuff like that but I was just I'd never been on a lot

I had never had really I remember zero to a hundred on this one and I remember thinking do I need to take some of this food home because i don't know if i'm gonna have like if there's gonna be food

tomorrow like it was that sense of i just didn't understand set life and it was very serious about i would go home and practice buster in front of the mirror which is so funny because it's like it's your job you got to get seriously but obviously it's patently ridiculous ridiculous but it was fun i just i just like, just keep playing. What do you think is your favorite... By the way, how many writers in general... I mean, I'm sure there's individual episodes, but is there accredited four or five writers?

Is there a number of... How many people wrote about Arrested Abandonment? I would say in the room, there was probably about 10. 10. God, those have to be the 10 smartest, funniest fucking man so funny like every like next next next level crazy and so dense yeah like so many jokes a hundred times and you pick up something new that my favorite is the one of my favorites is the blue man group and he thought it was a group for depressed men yeah i was gonna say is that is that your favorite that's one of them i think lucille for me and Lucille is

very funny. And the best line was Jessica Walters saying, she says, buy a banana. How much can it be? $10? Or something like that. The C word is also unbelievable. I'll leave when I'm good and ready. Yeah. She does it to herself.

So good. Salah has Iraq too I mean there's so many and when we were being cancelled all the jokes about home builders organization show time when you guys would break the fourth wall and look at the camera and be like go watch

seriously tell your friends to watch the show Fox kept allowed all that look at the camera and be like, go watch. Yes, seriously, tell your friends to watch the show. Such a tragedy, man. Fox kept, I mean, allowed all that, which I give them a lot of props for. Well, because they were like, we're fucking cutting them anyway. Let these losers go down with the ship. That's like in a show when you see a kidnapped person being like, please, you don't have to do this. I'm going to kill you anyway.

Exactly. Do what you want. Whoever helps you pass the time it's so if there was ever an example of like I don't even know what kind of

lesson to learn but it's just like great it was greatness it was like truly greatness and that

isn't enough like fuck this world you know what I mean like you're gonna be the most brilliant the funniest the best looking the you know and there still might be some yeah i'm just sorry about tony hale exhibit a uh cakeless wonder i i genuinely think that like that arrested is one of the things that because i was when was it i was i was pretty young

yeah okay settled Early 2000s? Easy trick. It was like, yeah, it was 2003 to 2006. Yeah, so I think that was like, I was probably 13. And I remember my uncle sitting me down and being like, you got to watch this show. And I think that's what got me into, not even just television, but like comedy television. I'm also curious, like other people's, because I just miss, there so many jokes. I didn't get to like 20 years later Yeah, yeah, do you like?

watch episodes when you're on the show My daughter like you do your scene and that's it and then when the episode airs the series season airs Do you watch it? Yeah, I watch it then and I typically don't watch it again Which is crazy because there are so many jokes and there's's so many jokes. Because of that, I don't. This is a story I told on that podcast, but it's like that joke about when I lose my hand to the seal and the seal eats off my arm. And the doctor says he's going to be okay. I thought he said he's going to be okay.

Right. And I was like, ha, ha, ha, funny. But the joke is he's going to be all right. All right. He's got the right hand. Yeah. I didn't get that until 15, like 15 years later. Really? Really 15 years really doing a podcast doctor is one of the best bit you son of a bitch she's always like all right his left hand was one of the four founders

of UCB Oh doctor him so like everybody sir Matt walsh stars it's like every bit character even that was brilliant the um what you know what i like doing is i when i see it i this happens the most to me with seinfeld but with the rest it happens a lot too where i see your bit in a newer sitcom where it's like oh shit and it's not it's not necessarily stolen but it's kind of like a and this one actually the one that sticks out the most to me is very similar. I wouldn't say it's stolen, but maybe it is. Who knows? Is when

Tobias, he's talking about how he hasn't slept with... What's Porsche's name? Lindsay. Hasn't slept with Lindsay in so long and Jason Bateman's like, why? He's like, well, I don't want to say 9-11, but it didn't help.

He's like, well, 9 don't want to say 9-11, but it didn't help. He's like, well, 9-11 certainly didn't help. By the way, I have never heard that. I have never heard that. That missed me completely. That is me completely. But then...

That is so hard. And then many, many years later, it comes up in the office where, like, Ryan is talking about why he cheated on Kelly or whatever. And he, like, lists... He has two things. And then he ends it with, I don't think I ever really processed 9-11.

And I was like, oh, that's David Cross. How about this? I got a business idea. How about... It can't be better than soap on a rope. We saw it with The Office. We see the Always Sunny guys doing it.

We watch. We do a re-watch. We do a podcast about Arrested Development. Just so I can learn my own show. We'll teach podcast about Arrested Development. Just so I can learn my own show. We'll teach you about it. Yeah. Watching you react to things that you didn't even realize. As a fan, we'd be like, oh my god, Tony just got the joke ten years later.

It's amazing. Wait until we tell you about Veep. My fear is I'd be watching and I'd look at you and I'd go, I don't remember that. Yeah. I don't even remember shooting that. That's what's crazy. I'm just saying. You never hit podcasts.

We say that all the time. And obviously, we were talking about complete different levels of entertainment. But we always say all the time, we walk out of the podcast, like, what the hell are we saying there? I don't even know. I don't have a clue what just happened. Oh, I forget the podcast immediately after it. Or even fans will.

You won't forget this one. No, this one. No, this one's great. Burned in my brain, man. Great. But when fans, you'll probably get this all the time, where it's like, yours are probably, I guess, maybe a little more memorable.

Fans will say to me, like, do you remember that tweet that one time? And I'm like, I probably sent literally 100,000 tweets in my life. I know I did not. But I guess maybe. Do you have, I think this is why I'm not on the Twitter much. But I think I have a like brain. I think I have like an anxiety of not necessarily what to put out.

But like, I think about it too much. Yeah. By the time I thought I'm like, I'm not done with it. Yeah, that's probably smart. I get myself. You think about things before you say them to the world yeah i i grip it and rip it man you know i just let it fly and then i'm like yeah but at least there's a happy medium of like not i overthink it and then just end up doing nothing i remember i got in trouble once uh for um slander or libel whichever one's written

slander i think and um And I wrote a headline. This is a long time ago. Yeah, this is like forever ago. There was this guy in Jersey City. The story was that he won the lottery, but he lost the ticket and was just asking New Jersey to give him the money anyway. And this guy just had the creepiest look in the whole world and instead of saying and this is all rude i shouldn't have said any of this but i said he looks instead of

saying he looked like a pedophile i just said oh it's the word pedophile and uh and the reason why it was just funny though thinking about not thinking about things somebody in the comments said like you're gonna get sued for this and I replied to that and I said, shut up, you pussy. And then we got sued hardcore for it. But like I, as far as thinking about things, like this is how, and that was, you know, 12, 15 years ago. So now, you know, before I send anything. Yeah, of course.

And then, you know what? It becomes not funny once you start thinking or whatever, whatever your point was. It's like, well, if I'm thinking this much about it, it clearly isn't really. And the power of words. I mean, there's like, well, if I'm thinking this much about it, it clearly isn't really. And the power of words. I mean, there's like, I have to remember

there's a tremendous power in words, you know? And it goes both ways. Like our society doesn't realize putting stuff out there, but they also don't realize like in Hollywood,

people will say a lot of stuff and it doesn't mean anything. Yeah. So it's almost like the power of that, what you did and realizing that lesson. And then like just words meaning nothing. Just gobbledygook.

Just to make somebody feel good, which is like what you should not do to them. We've definitely gotten more of that as we've gotten more corporate around here where it's like, all right, you walk out of a meeting, you're like, that sounded great. And you're like, none of that's going to happen. Nothing. I can't tell you. I was like, not only will that plan not happen, those people won't be here in six months. This is a, you know, get out of here. But also, yeah, just the nonsense talk.

It's a Twitter thread. My thoughts, like one of 23 tweets. We're not reading any of this. We're going to stop. Guys, I'm joining the club. Yeah. I'm going through it. We put down waters.

It gets hot in here. It gets hot in here. We get like a couple pallets delivered at the beginning of the month, and we've grown in size, and I think we probably have- By the way, how many people do you think work here? Total? Yeah. In this building?

300? 400. We crossed the 400 threshold. Wait, hold on. Is this something you guys started? We were- Or a part of the- 400 threshold. Wait, hold on. Is this something you guys started? We were part of the early on. Dave Pioi is like the founder of it. He was in Boston.

And then the original idea was to expand into other cities. Everyone worked from home, kind of like a little satellite city situation. And the first expansion was to New York, and that's what I started. And he was like my first hire, if you will. And what year was this? 2009 I bet it's so inspiring to watch how it's grown for you guys it is it can be frustrating

too because it can also be like to be like perfectly honest it loses it's essence where you're kind of like ah man but like anything you romanticize I'm sure you romanticize wondering if you should take food home from the lot and in reality your life is much better now yeah but there's like there was something fun about that struggle and uh you know also the power of the simple yeah you know things our world looks

at where you've gotten and where people get is like oh my god that's the ultimate but there's a tremendous it's great but like there's a lot of power in the simple and definitely and like and and not even it's the um like it was like lot of power in the simple and like and not even it's the like it was like five guys in the beginning five people

made this whole thing and now there's 400 and God bless them there's a lot of great people and we couldn't make all this money if we didn't have all this but you know

that also comes with like meetings and and training and all these corporate things and I'm like

I start we started this to get away from that shit. Was it in your house? Did you do it in your house? Well, when I started out, I was an accountant, and I was at my desk at work doing blogging and accounting. But then when I went full-time on Barstool, I was working. I've worked out of my parents' place, my place. I'm sharing my daughter's nursery at one point

was also my like desk so we've done it from you know everywhere but then yeah we all came under one roof when things like really kind of blew up so it was cool how's fatherhood by the way right now right now is probably

my favorite because so like I think I actually haven't talked about this on the podcast yet. I think I had the greatest day, fatherhood day, maybe of all time. Certainly for myself. But in the morning, my son, we went to T-ball. And he hit two home runs, which were just balls that go in the air. They don't hit the ground. They just go up in the air.

And he's pretty good. So he's hitting it harder than the other kids. So he's very proud of himself he got two home runs and then we came home and uh we played do you you know zelda the video game at all i know that i've heard of it yeah so it's a very adult game and he's five and somehow he picks up those sticks and he goes and he beat so he wouldn't be asking questions about screenshots. Why do they remark on this? I heard remark more times than that. What is Zelda remarking?

He beat Zelda. It was actually very funny. He was about to lose and he pressed pause and he started to cry. He was like... It's just that my eyes hurt. My eyes just hurt. That's all. He wins that. So it was home runs.

He beats Zelda. We went mini golfing. And then I took my daughter horseback riding. And then we watched Hocus Pocus 2 at the end of the night. We had watched Hocus Pocus 1 the night before. So I had the greatest like 24 hours ever. Because it's at the point where they can like have their own opinions and do their own things. And they're, and they're not totally

totally useless but just so you know that's going to be solidified in their heart in their soul and then I think I probably have a couple more years before they're like shut up dad go fuck yourself I'm going to get rid of my friends mine's almost 17

oh really so yeah you are old there's more and more like proof it's coming out like oh yeah i do see that gray on the scene is that um college yet or is that junior year it's junior year so we're thinking about college driving now she just started in l.a But now you can track them on an app. But now you can follow them. I can know how fast she's going. Her phone or on the car?

You have a Tesla that If anybody knows how to track on the car, I'll take it. But it's the phone. So I know how fast she's going on this app. Wow. Really? But I will say, as much as people say, oh, LA, the highways, there's so much traffic. You're not going more than two miles an hour. You're not going fast.

So was that something that you did and she was like, fuck you, dad? Or was she like, you know, does she even know what's happening? She won't use that language around me. So good. You're reading so well. I still don't curse around my parents. I'm in that camp. I think it's like. Either day, my dad. Because I know, I'm sure she camp. I think it's like...

Either day my dad... Because I know... I'm sure she does with her... I mean, obviously, she does with her friends. I did it with my friends. But it's like... I don't...

It doesn't need to be in the house. My dad sent a group text, a group remark to the family because he doesn't know what he's doing with the phones. And he meant to just send it to my mom. Cut to him and I having coffee

like two hours from now. What color is your machine? Remark! Talk box! No, you remark! You remark, Tony! Okay, I'll remark.

Anyway, he cursed and he apologized to the whole family. Tony? Okay, I'll remark. Oh, my God. But anyway, he cursed and he apologized to the whole family. He was like, I'm so sorry for that. He went to my sister and he was really like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I will say, like, doing this kid show, which I love, it's a very different change from Veep. I bet. Because when you make a mistake, things can fly, and then you forget, like, oh, there's a 12-year-old.

And I got to be careful. Yeah, so this is what? The Mysterious Benedict Society. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, tell me about this. So it's based on this children's book by Trenton Stewart, which your kids probably in a few years they'll get into. And what I really like about this show a lot is these kids i mean i like the superpower show i like the marvels but these

kids superpowers are their intellect their creativity and their empathy cool and we solve all these puzzles and i play twins i play kind of a good brother and like a bad brother and paid twice hear that um and the first season when there was this crazy adventure where the bad twin was doing this stuff, but this season, the bad twin reinvented himself as a self-help guru selling happiness and has tricked the whole world. That's a scam.

That's a scam. That's a scam. That's a scam. That's a scam. That's a scam. That's a scam. That is. And it's a really, really, really great message.

To me, what I see is this difference between artificial happiness and authentic happiness. Sure. Sure. That's just, especially online. There's just this like quick,

happy fix and happiness, man goes through all the emotions. It walks through stuff that you fail through it and all that kind of stuff. But he's selling like perfection and all that kind of stuff. This is almost exactly what we started the episode talking about with like the children's books. Like that's a great message that i probably need to learn yeah i probably need to get that like that dopamine hit you get from a retweet doesn't mean anything that's superficial happiness yes

just watching like a viral tiktok like this morning i wish i could remember where it was because it was saying that it was like you need to be able to distinguish you're talking about the board game tiktok right so i'm metronome game tick tock right i'll be looking for those three x's or the three o's i think it was very the message at the end was very zen nirvana buddhist hindu whatever it was like happiness is the lack the the absence of chasing the happiness is when you're actually happy you know what mean? Because it was very much everything you were saying, too, about what's next. You get that dopamine. He said dopamine is just a chemical that wants more dopamine.

It's a drug. Dopamine is never going to say, okay, you made it to a rest of development. We're good. Dopamine just wants more and more and more. And the happiness is when you let go of that. Get rid of dopamine. Which is hard. It's a lifelong journey.

I mean, it is like a drug. It is like an addiction. It is. Yeah. That is depressing. But also we've been trained to think that it's like you're lazy if you're content. If you're like, I'm really happy with my life right now. I remember I read an article by a kid.

It wasn't actually an article. It was a tweet thread by Jay Caspian an article it's a tweet thread by uh jay caspian king who's a new york times writer and um he was kind of basically saying like i wish someone had taught me when i was younger that i didn't have to chase my dreams where he's like he's like because i wanted to be a new york times writer and i made it and this is great but i really would be happier if i was just home surfing and like and that's okay working in the surf shop and like that's not something that you have to be embarrassed about. You stayed in your hometown and worked at a surf shop.

You can be like, yeah, this is what makes me happy, so why can't I do this? It's the same thing when you're on your deathbed, because we're all going to die. This is all fleeting. You sooner than us, because you're on your deathbed. Exactly. We'll see. But it thinks when you get in your deathbed, what are you going to value? And it's these days you had with your kids.

It's all these memories you probably have with friends. It's like, that's the value. That was depressing right there. You know, your kids, and I assume you have friends or something. Do you have kids? No, dude. Well, I thought so. No, you knew.

No, you hadn't mentioned them. You knew. And I would have got a freaking quirkyky voiceover if you had kids. What if I did it for him? You'd be like, my kids are fine. They actually saw it. They hated Forky. That's funny.

Yeah, I'll tell you what that is going to do, though. You know your kids didn't like you shopping for underwear. Same thing, right? Oh, yeah. When you took a horseback riding into soap shopping. You are cutting me down pretty accurately right here. No. You are so full of life, man.

It's so obvious. I'll tell you what. That recording will open the door. Knowing my kids, they're going to be like, well, where's Buzz Lightyear's voice? The dopamine is going to just want more and more and more wow this is a very nice thing but that was very cool i really do appreciate it so uh the mysterious benedict society is on disney plus uh it's out season two is out now so you can go binge season one and catch up on i'm gonna i'm gonna watch i don't usually watch children's shows, believe it or not. But I am going to watch it and I'm going to learn

some good lessons from this. Disney Plus is great. And also, what's the name of the book? I'll just tell you. Archibald's Next Big Thing. It was a long, long time ago, but it's a sweet little book.

I think I'd like to read that as well. And before we let you go, we were doing favorite lines. Favorite line from Veep. It doesn't have to be yours. Well, I would say what I was called What I

It was one of my favorite Was a bitchy mime The insults in VIF are I was gonna say If you were I mean I'm sure There's some brilliant line That I

You know I'm over Like missing And it's probably better than this But the Jonah Ryan insult Oh my god The cloud whisperer I think it is

The sky raper The sky raper But also How do you not take that personally It's also just him as a person He would say but the Jonah Ryan insults. Oh, my God. The Cloud Whisperer, I think it is. The Sky Raper. The Sky Raper. But also, how do you not take that personally? It's also just him as a person. He would say, sometimes, because one of them was like, you got an odd shape. And then he was also called Frankenstein, and Frankenstein was made entirely of dead dicks.

My favorite one of them is, and I forget his uncle's name, but when he is finally running for congressman, and I think it's the opening of an episode, or at least from a cold cut, and it's just him being like, dude, being a congressman is sick, man. I'm eating so much pussy, I'm shitting clits, son. And then his uncle grabs him and he goes, this is an elementary school, you animal.

And it zooms out and he's in like a fifth grade classroom. And the way you did his uncle is perfect. He had that like, ah! Elementary school, you animal. That was Peter. Oh, man, he's been around. I forgot his name. Oh, he was fantastic.

He was. Oh, he's so good. Oh, last thing. Was it Will Arnett talking about David Cross? Oh, yeah. So I actually just read Bob Odenkirk's memoir, Comedy, Comedy, Comedy, Drama. Very, very good. But in it, he mentions at one point that him and David Cross are writing partners for decades now.

And how David Cross was always partners for decades now and how David Cross was always hassling him to do drugs with him and he said he finally conceded he conceded one time in Amsterdam they did they ate mushrooms? No weed brownies I think

and I was just wondering if David Cross was such an evil influence on yourself. I don't know. Again, my age, I'm fascinated by these. Mushrooms, is it like a dry? I can answer for you. Yeah, they're pretty dry.

Yeah. They're pretty dry. They're a little freeze-dried. But you got it. Anyways, we can get the whole conversation. That's I do not understand. But you said, do I smoke weed? I said, was David Cross such an influence on yourself?

As a person? Yeah. Oh, you mean, oh Cross was he such an influence on yourself as a person as a you know as such an important drug yeah yeah was he like come on come on

let's go he could have been smoking weed the entire I would have no clue I'm always that guy that catches on later like whoa

really they were doing like weed doing the weed there was this there was this that explains those remarks I told this story

on some talk show but I went to this great restaurant in Raleigh called Union Special and they gave me a t-shirt that said waking and baking and I thought

in my literally I thought in my head I was like I like bread I like baking no way so I wore that

not that old dude I wore that t-shirt I'm not kidding for like two years I wore it to drop my that old, dude. I wore that t-shirt, I'm not kidding, for like two years. I wore it to drop my daughter off to school. Yes. I wore it to church. Get out of town.

Nobody, nobody, I guess, and then finally I was, my buddy Michael comes up to me and he goes, and he, I work, I do this orange theory class

and he's an instructor and he goes, hey Tony, last night you did a little, and I was like, what? What are you talking about? I have no idea what he was talking about? I have no idea

what he was talking about. I had no idea it was about the weed. Come on. That's unbelievable. It's not sad. It's really sad. It's endearing,

I think. In this way. It cut to me getting jokes like 20 years off my own shows. All right, brother. Thank you so much for the time. Thank you so much, Tony. It's an absolute blast as always.

I loved it. so much for the time thank you so much tony it's an absolute blast as always សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.