KFC Radio - Iliza Shlesinger Returns, Waluigi Porn, and Is Cold Weather a Turn On?

Episode Date: October 1, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! -Presidential Debate Recap -(25:00) AITA Thursday with Waluigi Porn, SILENCE, and head scratching -The origin of one of our most popular voicemails -Voicemails include Magic TV, cigarette weather, and the boss's daugher (02:01:30) Iliza Shlesinger returns to the show! We discuss how busy she's been lately, returning to comedy touring with tailgating shows, play some Answer the Internet, and much more. Find tickets to her upcoming shows here: https://www.iliza.com/ Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @Iliza Subscribe to our youtube for daily videos: youtube.com/c/kfcradioYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. That's just the way it is. I'm sad in the morning. We won't come down. And the sun can't stop us now. What did it come to? To take it over you. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. The dust has settled on the debate. And I feel like we've been bracing for how shitty it's going to be.

Or how shitty it has been leading up to the election with just politics talk and shit like that. It's the worst. It's just the worst. The debate was terrible. The reaction has been like... If you can't just be like, yeah, that debate sucked and this was shitty. People were still trying to argue that their guy won or the other guy lost

or just put out this one minute man video it's like i was just making fun of the whole thing just being like this was a shit show trump's talking about fucking proud boys uh joe biden's acting like the big lebowski man you know just like fuck all this and everyone is you know well you liberal this and you fucking white guilt that it's like you can't even just say like this this whole thing sucked you know i can't believe anyone watched that three run yak job here on the c like you can't even just say like this this whole thing sucked you know i can't believe anyone watched that three run yak job here on the cubs i can't believe anyone watched that like it it how if you watched that debate last night have more respect for your mental health

no see i i i i disagree i feel like well i mean yeah it's not good for your mental health stop being a fucking pussy i i feel like uh that, it wasn't, I don't want to say it was entertaining. It depends on how you watched it. I think if you watched it, the people I'm making fun of the most today are the people who are so deep into politics that they were still trying to actually, like, analyze last night. That's insane. But even, like, the people who watch it for entertainment,

I don't find it entertaining. I don't find it entertaining. I found looking at those two guys just, they look disgusting. You could smell them through the TV. These aren't entertaining things you're describing. Oh, it is, though. It's not nice. Grunt test people yelling over each other? I mean, it's the same reason I don't

really listen to sports talk. I don't really like reality TV. But that's what I mean. Most people think that's entertaining. We are right now. But to me, it's just not an appealing thing. I don't have any questions about who I'm going to vote for. I'm not going into it being like, well, I wonder. Let's see who makes more prescient points here.

It's just like, I know who I'm going to vote for. I don't need to fucking watch this dog and pony show. That's what I found most interesting, people saying that, and it's true. But I think that's the problem i think i think that proves that's proof positive that people just pick their candidate based on like their own opinions and and broad overarching like well no i mean like were there any new revelations last night that's what i mean that's the problem like there should like the debate is almost where you should decide who you're voting for right but it's just like you have four years of evidence for one person you have a lifetime of evidence not all the good for another person right and it's just like okay i i see where you both are but even that is like if you've been politics for like

50 years but like you we don't have any idea about how you're going to be during a pandemic we don't have any idea how you're going to be in like the modern world involving this, that, and the other thing. So like, we have to ask these questions and you have to answer them and like, let's find out about it.

And it's like, that's not even close to what happened. No. And that's why I don't understand what you're going to watch it for. Like what, what is there? What, what is there to gain from that?

I watched the Sopranos last night and said, I had a blast. The people who were like, I mean, there was no other reaction reasonable to have other than like, holy shit, what the fuck? The people who are watching, trying to be. Who wants to feel that? Who wants to feel what?

Like, holy shit, what the fuck? Who wants to feel it? Right, but I don't feel it because I didn't watch it. Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, it's not like it's i'm watching it because it's going to give me like a warm and fuzzy feeling but i want to know what's going on but you didn't learn anything that's going on i learned that like the shit like i learned about the state of politics being like this is how bad it is i knew that before last night i don't think

i knew it was i i knew how bad it was i mean i think if you watched it you would have an if a further appreciation for how bad it really is i I think it couldn't possibly get worse. So I'm sure I don't think it would change me. Yeah, I mean, it was like I think it does, because like the first time around, there actually was some debate. There was some discussion. And as much as of a like it became more of like Trump, like making fun of people and shit like that. But there still were like moments where they were talking about the issues. Like,

I love the format of debate. I think it should be, like I said, that's, I think where you should decide on who you're voting for, because it's like, let me hear your thoughts. Let me hear you rebut his thoughts,

like talk this up, put that down, all that shit. And there still was that just four years ago. Like it became, it started to become a shit show, but there that just four years ago like it became it started to become a shit show but there was moments where it was like oh i got him like that was a good point or like shut that down or like yeah you really won that that argument whatever uh and to see that there's just none of that now is pretty crazy like i can understand that the world

of of um political i call them fans i think at this point you're a fan yeah you're not a i don't is pretty crazy. Like, I can understand that the world of political – I call them fans. I think at this point you're a fan. Yeah, 100%. You're not a – I don't even think you're a fan. I don't even know if it was – yeah, like, I guess it was constituents

or whatever word you would use prior to that. It's just like you're rooting for a team. And those people have always been complete, like, jackasses and maniacs and idiots. And I guess I never expected Trump to, like, really be, like, up there like proper but the fact that like biden couldn't make a point and they literally i mean they i there was nothing i can't tell you one point yeah that's why i wasn't surprised the only point was that it was not a good debate and And to watch some people who I respect actually sit there

and try to analyze it and break it down, I keep saying it's like if I was watching Shea and Keegan argue and then I were to tweet about their points they were making. It's like, no, there's only one take here. The whole thing was a waste of time. So the fact that people are still trying to talk about when he brought up his taxes and talking about the pandemic and talking about...

It's like, but nobody said... What could you possibly even say about it? There's nothing to react to. There's no opinion to even have. That was what was scary to me, is those people are still so blinded that they can't even see it for what it is and that's a joke yeah that's gonna that's gonna so happen forever i i don't have any faith in america as a

whole so i didn't it's almost like the same thing i do with the social dilemma i just stick my head in the sand where i'm just like i don't need to see this i don't i i'd rather be nice and it's not naive like i'm not ignoring actual issues I just know issues aren't going to be discussed. So I don't want to watch two old people yell at each other. I still had hope that they would just... I didn't expect there to be no

points made at all. I 1,000% did. I never even considered... Why? There's never been a debate like that. Ever. I mean, because of the two people involved on the fucking stage. But I mean just last time Trump was involved and – One can speak but just doesn't know words. But he did last time.

I don't know that he did. I didn't like really enjoy them last time either. I have not found the – politics are great entertainment angle. That doesn't appeal to me. And I didn't think it was good last time either. I've always found debates fascinating. i've always thought that was cool even watching the primary like when when uh bloomberg bombed and and like seeing like those were that was a good it wasn't good in the sense that like anything was said that was like revolutionary but there was like that back

and forth where you could see like bloomberg couldn't hang he couldn't cut it i thought that was interesting that a guy who's like a billionaire and was a mayor like he wasn't like some chump it was like oh you don't have the goods like you're fucking gone and like when they put the ether beat over elizabeth warren like there was enough going on that you could like actually have some opinion on it and some banter about it. But I mean, there's never been one up until now that was that bad. That's why the, the, the reaction from the analyst was so funny that those were the people who

were, that's why I can't believe anybody on Twitter was still trying to take it seriously. Cause even the people on TV were like, but even taking it as a joke, I feel like I feel bad doing that because like, I can take it as a joke because nothing's going to change. Nothing,

nothing, it doesn't matter to me. Like my life will be fine. Yeah. And like, I feel guilty taking it as a joke because it's gonna change nothing nothing it doesn't matter to me like my life will be fine yeah and like i feel guilty taking it as a joke because it's not i don't mean like a joke like laughing being like as a joke like this was uh a complete catastrophe like for the the the when they cut like to the back to the studio and they were just like the fuck was that right because i figured those guys are like well that was a shit show it's almost like when you watch like a shitty game it's like jets like you go to back to the jets post game they're gonna sit there

and still talk about like that third down play when the only take is like seem fucking sucks so but then you can't say that because that's like not what you're paid for that's not you know what i mean so i expected them to be like now on the taxes issue but even those guys being like what the fuck man like that is that is bad and then man jake tapper had the big viral moment right but then later it's kind of getting lost because of his train wreck he he did one of those fake kid stories oh i saw that he said that uh he was getting texts that his friend with a sixth grader was watching the debate and ran to their room crying because Trump was so mean. Another home run, Nick.

Yikes. Two run shot. The Cubs are fucked. And then Van Jones said that he was getting texts about a kid who said, Mom, do we need to buy guns to be safe? I'm like, these things are not happening. I mean, that's insane. I don't understand why people keep doing that. I think what's happening happening i mean that's insane i don't understand

why people keep doing i think what's happening too that's making it to the mainstream that's like we've known that fake story we just did the episode on a fake story that has now turned into a meme and a trope and a joke but like the talking heads on tv i think are just getting there so they're probably like oh this is good like this is like whether this is true or not this is good this is gonna hit no your kids are not crying and no your kids are not talking about buying guns your kids are not talking about the debate at all they're fucking either is sleep or they're jerking off or they're playing nintendo i don't even know what i was doing who was president when i was in sixth grade i guess clinton what year was i in sixth grade i don't know how old was i in sixth

grade you were about 12. So 2000? Is that Clinton still? Yeah, Clinton until 2000. Bush took over in the year 2000. The 2000 election was Bush. So it was probably Clinton. I don't know. I have no idea what happened. I certainly wasn't watching the debates.

I knew about the impeachment. I knew about the blowjob. But you weren't watching the debates. No, I sure as hell wasn't. I mean, that's what's... I'll tell you what. That knew about the blowjob, but I didn't. You weren't watching the debate. No, I sure as hell wasn't. You know? I mean, that's what's. I'll tell you what. That story. Those stories better be fake.

Because if you're watching the debate with a 12-year-old. It honestly wouldn't surprise me if it isn't. You're a fucking jerk. If, like, parents nowadays are, like, making their kids sit down and watch it. Because, again, it's become such a team-oriented, fanatic-type deal. Yeah, it's like, here's what we believe. Son, sit down and watch it. These are our guys. Like, you're sitting down for a fucking Pats game. Yeah. Here's what we believe. Sit down and watch it. These are our guys. Like you're sitting down for a fucking Pats game.

Yeah. That is gross, man. The whole thing is fucking gross. Literally gross. I mean, I, I think Trump had like a,

he's getting Tanner as, as it went on. I think he had like a self Tanner that was like coming out. That's what happened. Yeah. So it was like a time release. It's darker. It's like you shower it off.

He had red, red ears, the tan face the floppy hair uh biden had like george washington teeth he had like these dentures in and he's fucking he is like mayonnaise white like blotchy i was like this is fucking gross can't you get me some fucking trudeau type of cat give me some good looking guy or a stylish woman or somebody who's like we've talked about it in america it's like the only fucking country where like the leaders of the nation are geriatrics everywhere else it's like fucking trudeau marcon or marcon whatever m-a-r-c-o-n uh fucking what's her name is not uh merkel's not

that old fucking putin's not that like everyone is Putin's not that old. Everyone can rip a couple push-ups, which I know was the, like, Biden and Trump had talked about that. We can do more push-ups. It's fucking Biden. Trump plays a fucking hippopotamus. And, like, everyone is just an able-bodied human being, except for here.

Everyone's fucking 100 years old. At one point, he called him Putin's puppy. And I was like, there you go. All right, you guys are cooking with something. The one side of the left just never has any good jokes or nicknames or anything. I was like, Putin's puppy. I would run with that one. If I was your publicist or whatever, I'd be like, hammer that one home.

But I think they said they're probably not even going to do it again. No, Biden's people said they will. Yeah, but I don't know if – I guess that's – you put the ball in his court and he can't say no to it. But if that just happens again, that's crazy. I don't understand. That is truly crazy. I was obviously – I was on Twitter still. I didn't like fucking bury my phone in the ditch and not look at anything.

But I obviously saw a million people be like, where's the mute button? Where's Tony Reale? Blah, blah, blah. Why don't they do that? Is there? I don't know. I know they've never done it in the past. I don't think they've had to.

Yeah, right. I think somebody has been, like, they've both been respectful enough to, like, all right, like, I'll let you get your point in. But now they might have to. It's insane. Crazy, man. So we'll get into Am I the Ass now which is perfect because it's like well uh who's the asshole here everybody and chris wallace man i mean i know it's not an easy gig to moderate

but you gotta do better than that i don't know what you do i don't have the answer but if you if you come if you like sign up for that gig you gotta figure out some fucking i don't know we'll come up with like a rules or something like next time you interrupt you don't get to talk at all or something like that. I don't know. Until you have the mute button. Imagine that. You have like a wooden spoon. Everyone has like an operation

attached to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh, that'd be good. A zapper. That's actually good. Top ways to actually moderate the debate. Electrocution. They both die. You give one of them one electric shock and they're the debate. Electrocution. They both die. You give one of them one electric shock, they're both dead. Slime them.

I like that. All right. So it's like a dog collar. Zap them on the neck. Nickelodeon slime them. I think you got to come up with something like personal for each of them. You just had someone like fucking with like a dart in a like like yeah like up and what it knocks you out yeah it's gotta be like a shot of adrenaline there's there's there should be

something like uh trump like you lose you know you lose control of your twitter account for like 24 hours you get you get suspended from twitter for 24 hours if you're interrupted again and biden you like i don't know don't get to take your fucking like medication that you need or something. I'll tell you one thing that I do think. Like I remember Joe Rogan saying like he was like, I don't think Joe Biden will be able to stand up there for the duration of the debate. Like I think he's so demented and old that he can't talk and he can't do it. And like he just did it. Like not well.

Nobody did well. But like there wasn't like these moments where he couldn't remember words and like he just did it like not well nobody did well but like there wasn't like these moments where he couldn't remember words and shit like that that was one interesting thing i saw where it's like like he's such a bad stutterer yeah that like it's altering how he speaks but i saw one tweet where it's like it's like i'm a stutterer and i know people be like biden just forgot what he said and he didn't he said something along the lines of like uh billionaires are really i mean billionaires are very wealthy and he's like he didn't forget he was like he was trying to say rich right and then he like he realized he wasn't gonna get rich so he switched it yeah

and it's like but people harp on everything yeah you can't you can't you cannot even you're not allowed to stutter uh so all right electro, slime, some sort of personal punishment. Take away Joe Biden's drugs. Dude. The fact that, like, Rudy Giuliani was like, check his right pocket. Got drugs in there. I was like, you know what? See, I don't think that stuff's, like, entertaining.

Like, just accusing people of being drug addicts and, like, being like, oh, like, shaming people for having drug-addicted sons. That was crazy. That stuff's not entertaining. That was crazy. That's, like, the reality TV of politics. And, like, I just think it's, like, that's just not entertaining. That was crazy. I think that's like the reality TV of politics. And like, I just think it's like scummy and just, Oh,

I don't interest it. It's as grimy as it gets. I think they probably, I mean, you think they're not on Adderall? You think they're not doing drugs? I think they probably are. It's like the most like stressful gig in the world where you do have to be up and going all the time.

And you are like 70 years old. You think they're not like someone who dabbles occasionally. I don't do it when I'm stressed because then you feel like you can fucking die. You think that though like you wouldn't need like the I don't know whether it's Adderall or something and then just like straight natural 70 year olds. I would guess yes.

I feel like I mean Donald Trump was fucking a billionaire in the 80s in New York City. He had to have a coke addiction. He eventually just kicked it. He says he's sober. I mean, he says he was always sober because his brother died of it, which is a weird reason to attack someone with a fucking addiction and, like, your brother died of it.

But I don't know. I would guess you. I mean, obviously, they're not presidential debate shows, although there are shows with bigger crowds than there were there. I don't know. I've never taken anything to go on fucking stage. I've had a beer or two, but... I know, but I think we are

in the minority on that. Really? I mean, yeah. People who are in entertainment on drugs? I don't think that's... No, but I don't think they ever need it. I think they want to do it. That's a different thing. Yeah, but I'm saying, like, I just don't think that those guys are necessarily... Well, they need it once they get to a certain level ever need it. I think they want to do it. That's a different thing. Yeah, but I'm saying, like, I just don't think that those guys are necessarily.

Well, they need it once they get to a certain level they need it. But. Yeah. I just don't think that those guys are, like, they're supposed to be so, like, stand up. And it's like, they're obviously not. So the thought that some of them might be doing drugs is, like, that's not that crazy to me. No. To me, it would be like, I would think it would be more probable than not just given how the world works.

But we expect – you have this view of what they're supposed to be, but I think we're finding out they're definitely not that. So I don't know why drugs would be that far off the table. Like, oh, you can't possibly do that. I mean you can't just accuse someone of using drugs though because like you think they do. Not – yeah. drugs though for like because like you think they do not yeah well i mean like i i mean i'm just if you ask my opinion of it i would say that i would not be shocked not saying you're a drug addict or anything but i think that like the way the everything i've learned about the world is like they're not what you expect them to be or want them to be yeah but i don't i also don't think that's like a basis to be like you're probably on a bunch of coke yeah i guess so i mean i'm not like in a formal like

court of law saying that like i think you do that i'm not saying you personally right now i'm just saying like like campaign people you can't be like yeah they do drugs yeah yeah yeah that's i mean that that for giuliani to go out there like and say say it in a formal fashion is wild. But I also think that the general vibe of like when they were upset about Obama smoking weed or whatever. I think there was coke at one point. It's like these are normal men who are not normal, who are rich and powerful. It's like those are the people who do drugs usually. But it's like, I mean, like say before a game, andy reed is like well tom brady does steroids yeah under what like maybe

probably i don't know but like right under but that's that's can you accuse him that's a good comparison for i think for like fans if i was like yeah i mean like you know everybody does steroids or whatever yeah the coaches can't be saying that like other uh you know you can't be doing that at press conferences but i think it is it's like a good comparison where it's like you think of this guy as like your hero who was like working so hard and like doing it the right way and then you know there was entire eras where it's like no we're not we're fucking cheating to get rich and powerful and these are the guys who you know as more as you learn more and more it's like the clintons of the world and the prince andrews of the world it's like yeah these guys are not like clean i don't think anyone

ever really thought they were clean well then why are they so surprised i mean like there's a there's a level of of cleanliness but like i don't think anyone was like oh leaders are excellent people rich people are great people yeah but that yeah but then why does it, like, do the Reds have 11 hits and no runs? Jesus. But then when it comes to drugs, it seems to be, like, some line that they don't expect them to cross. I mean, I think it's a difference. I don't know.

I don't know. All right. I think it's a difference in, like, performance-enhancing drugs and being like, yeah, they do drugs in their free time. I think they're probably doing it all. I just don't think rich people, rich and powerful people don't, I don't think they draw the line there.

I don't think they draw the line anywhere is what I've learned. Crime, sex, murder, drugs, and they're doing probably all of it all of the time. And that's probably why they don't, I think probably Giuliani saying it is usually like, no, dude, we don't talk about that. It's like. I think probably Giuliani saying it. Is usually like. No dude. We don't talk about that.

Because like. We're doing it too. You're doing it too. It's like why. Neither side's bringing up like. The sexual assault cases. Because it's like. Well.

We've all got those skeletons. The grimy grimy world man. So. Everyone's the asshole. So we'll get into. Am I the asshole here from the internet. Brought to you by Babbel. You want to learn another language.

You're going to get to another country. So you can speak language if you're a president or a presidential candidate yeah those guys uh before the next debate hop on babble and uh learn how to speak learn how to converse that's what's good about babble is they do it all in a conversational tone so you learn how to speak uh real world examples real world combo. And that's really what it comes down to. It's like, you know, it doesn't matter if you're really proper or using the right conjugation or talk. You got to be able to converse and talk to people. And that's what Babbel will get you to do with daily lessons that are 10 to 15 minutes. You start by learning words and then phrases, and then you gradually grow more and complex

to sentences and then full-blown conversations. Lessons are thoughtfully created by over 100 language experts and their speech recognition technology will help improve your pronunciation, will help improve your accent, and they've got over 14 different languages to choose from. Spanish, French, Italian, German, all the heavy hitters,

all the major ones. I wonder what some of the weird ones are. 14's a lot. I don't think I could even name 14 languages. Okay, let's give it a try. English, Spanish, German, French, Italian. Mandarin, Portuguese. Japanese. Japanese.

Korean. That's kind of cheating. That's not cheating. They're different languages. Yeah, but you know what I mean. They're not. Spanish and French, that's kind of cheating. different languages yeah but you know what i mean they're not spanish and french that's kind of cheating they're both love uh love languages yeah they're all like cut from the same russian uh czechoslovakian they might speak russian that's what i mean that's i

can't um swiss swiss dutch uh no swiss beach french yeah do they have i don't think they Swiss Dutch Swiss speech French I don't think they have a language Dutch is a different language So that's 12 Is that German? They speak German in the Netherlands Dutch is also a language Gaelic

Is that a language? Gaelic is a language Does anybody speak it anymore? Latin Gaelic Is that a language? Gaelic is a language Yeah Does anybody speak it anymore? Latin Latin? That doesn't count I took Latin in high school

Not dead yet, bitch Do the Romans speak Latin? Is that what they did? Romans? Yes Yeah Greek? There we go

14 Bam And Yeah Alright So we can learn We can learn our languages Hindi 14. Bam. And, uh, yeah. All right. So we can learn, we can learn our languages. Um,

Hindi. What's up? Hindi. Hindi is a language. I wouldn't even say Indian. Well, that's, that would be Islam's a religion.

Uh, Arabic, uh, Arabic. I think Arabic's a, uh, form of writing. Is that alphabet, the Arabic alphabet?

Maybe Arabic's a language. This is why we need Babel. Yeah. This is why I'm sure if non-Americans are listening to this, like, oh my god, you guys are so fucking stupid. Farsi's from the recruit. How about Jamaican patois? Patois. And Haitian Creole. That's what they speak in New Orleans,

right? Creole? Creole's a language. Well, that's why I mentioned some of these things like dialects. It's like French and hick, I think. So yeah, listen, we're fucking smart. Go to babbel.com. B-A-B-B-E-L dot com. You can get three months of... when you sign up for three months, you get a three-month subscription.

You get an additional three months. So that's six months for the cost of three. A little buy one, get one. Buy three, get three with the promo code KFC. And that's enough time to for sure be speaking a language. So Babbel.com, B-A-B-B-E-L.com, promo code KFC. Learn to speak whatever you want, any of those 14 languages today. Am I the asshole?

We got a couple of good ones here. A couple patently ridiculous ones. We'll start off with, am I the asshole for telling my coworker to fuck off for showing me Waluigi porn? 20-year-old male struck up a friendship with a co-worker of mine. He's 26 because he seems socially awkward and never went out of his way to make friends. We ended up finding out we had mutual interest in Reddit, so he followed me. I like to shitpost when I'm bored, and one day when I was bored, I decided to shitpost on an unpopular opinion sub that Waluigi

is sexy as hell. There was no point to it. I didn't structure it or put any effort at all, and it ended up getting removed anyway. I just wanted to see how some people on Reddit would react to a really weird post for some cheap laughs. Why I did it? Shit, I don't know. The next day he said it was hilarious and we had a good laugh

about it. I got back to work thinking that was the end of it. It was not. He started making sexual comments about waluigi at the weirdest times possible like when customers were nearby managers were nearby or i was just trying to focus on my job one time i ran into him while stocking shelves and asked what he was doing and he said good but it would be he said good but i'd be better if Waluigi were railing my asshole right now. While customers were standing 10 feet away. The customer heard it, but thankfully just made a weird face and left. I quietly told him not to say things like that when customers were around and he laughed and walked away.

Sometimes at random moments, he'd come up behind me and moan, wah, into my ear, catching me off guard. Every time I tell him to cool it, he would say nothing, laugh, and get back to work. What started off as a lighthearted shit post is beginning to escalate in a full blown Waluigi erotica. One day he came up to me and said, I have something I think you'd like and lifted up his uniform to show a Waluigi shirt. He had on underneath while looking his lips and looking me dead in the eyes.

This has got to be one of those fake ones. I told him I was, he was taking it way too far. I don't actually think Waluigi is sexy and he needs to stop. He said, it's okay to be in denial. Four days days this goes on four days after the incident he handed me a folded sheet of paper while I was helping a customer and said this is really important and walked away I finished helping the customer open up the paper it was a drawing he made of Waluigi

getting doggy styled by Bowser who for some reason had a dick bigger than his entire body he put effort into this. I told him to fuck off and stop being so creepy. He stormed off, and a few minutes later, his sister, who also works at the grocery store, came up to me and cussed me out, claiming I was a horrible person. I explained the entire situation, and she said that he has special needs.

The plot thickens. I said having special needs isn't an excuse to be creepy. She called me ableist and stormed off. Now, there is a – oh, let's see if I can open the link because apparently we do have the picture of the Waluigi porn. Yeah, thanks. So. his dick is in is way bigger than his entire body drawing man it's almost like waluigi is like balancing on top of this giant dick except it's inside of him it is a very funny picture now okay so first of all i mean this has to be one of the fake ones, and he's just taking it to the extreme.

You're always saying they're fake. Why is this fake? I mean, there's a lot to unpack there. There is. You're at a grocery store with a special needs person who's, you're into the Waluigi porn. He's into it. We have the drawings.

I mean, we now know that people do these fake things for attention that's right up the alley dude, I don't think so, this is real and I'm happy it happened because guess what motherfucker there are consequences for your action don't go posting about Waluigi porn oh, it's just a silly little shit post

I just wanted to get a reaction out of people guess what bro, now you gotta watch Waluigi take a Oh, it's just a silly little shit pose. I just wanted to get a reaction out of people. You're the weirdo, man. Guess what, bro? Now you gotta watch Waluigi take a giant cock up his ass. That's fucking you. That's your fucking fault, bro. If you don't like Waluigi porn, you probably shouldn't be posting about Waluigi porn on the internet, man. I would comment Lana Rhodes is hot. I'd comment Abella Danger is hot.

There's a lot of other things. I'd comment fucking hot people are hot. Don't go just saying things to get a rise, because then guess what? You gotta rise. You gotta what? You got to rise. You got to rise out of Bowser's dick. Going all the way into fucking Waluigi's ass. You fucking scumbag. That's what you are.

I hate people like this. Oh, I was just messing around on the internet and then things got real. The internet's real life, motherfucker. The internet's fucking real. It ain't jokes. It ain't fun. It's not just like, oh, I get to do what I want and it's my rules. You have to play by the rules of the internet you don't get to just be like well that's not what i

want it to happen it's gonna happen oh it's just a stupid shit and also for him to be like yeah he doesn't really have like many friends or whatever so like so he's gonna latch on to this and be like oh we got something in common now i'm gonna push this we're we're being the waluigi poor guys thing i saw your reddit post. Check this out. Guess what? Here's a fucking drawing of Bowser's huge fucking dick. That's what I would be like. It's like with anything else.

If it was like, oh, yeah, I'm on Mets Twitter. And they're like, oh, yeah, this dude I work with, he likes the Mets too. So he's going to show me Mets content. You talked about Waluigi porn. He found it. He's showing it to you. That's on you, bro. I hope this happens to every single fucking person who anonymously posts shit on the internet

thinking it's like, oh, this is just a funny little joke. Oh, this is just a little gag. Who cares? It's not that real. Yeah, it's real. It's going to come into your fucking job. It's going to fucking, it's going to get you in the fucking produce section while you're stocking groceries.

It's all going to hit you. Bro, I ain't got bad news for you. And you deserve every fucking second of it. I got bad news for you. What? Not every fucking second of it. I got bad news for you. What? Not the asshole. Not the asshole. NTA.

Not the asshole. This is sexual harassment. This is inappropriate no matter what. Not the asshole. Those are all people posting bullshit just trying to get a rise out of me. And guess what? You got it. You got it.

It worked. It worked. You're all fucking losers. If you think this guy's not the asshole for just posting something stupid on the internet and thinking it's all fun and games and it ends there, that's not how it works. That's not how life works. I think we can go with a little YTA, right? Or no, I don't know.

Everyone's the asshole. No. You don't think this guy, the YWG porn guy? I don't think the fucking retarded guy is an asshole. I think he's someone who found a friend and is doing everything he can to get his friend's good graces that's a great drawing he's not that retarded

that is that picture is so fucking in depth this is one of my favorites ever he's just a savant he's a great drawer and a huge N64 fan that's all he is that's all He's just a savant. He's a great drawer and a huge N64 fan. That's all he is.

That's all he does all day. By the way, I mean, it's a great Bowser. Like, dick aside, that's Bowser, man. Don't block the dick. Dick's the best part. Dick has even, like, some wrinkles in it and shit. Oh, my God. Is it?

And you know what the really funny part? Look how small Waluigi's dick is. See that little, just a little, like, scribble of his dick? Waluigi's, like, he's, like, fucking just, he rides his balls like a fucking Swiss ball. He's like Stan Marsh bouncing on a... Those things are hanging. What do you think? Do your balls hang low?

Do they wobble to a fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Yeah, we know. Can you throw them over your shoulder like a condom? Do your balls hang low? Yes, they do if you're Bowser. Do you think that, what's that Bowser dick like when he's not hard? Where does that go? over your shoulder like a continent. Do your balls hang low? Yes, they do if you're Bowser.

What's that Bowser dick like when he's not hard? Where does that go? His own ass. Tucks it in. Tucks it in. It pops out like Excalibur. God. Excalibur. Goodness gracious.

That is a ride, though, man. We've got Waluigi porn. We've got special needs. We we've got special needs we've got the drawing we've got the sister you're ableist uh i'm trying to look at just some of the other this can't be real my manager felt the same way when i explained the situation to him and the drawing he both sat there in 15 second awkward silence and said okay i'll talk to hr um not the asshole he might be mentally handicapped I'd bring it to my manager's attention I did he's definitely been blocked

and I'm staying away no more Waluigi erotica for this guy oh by the way his reddit name is sweaty genitals fuck this guy it can't be on reddit the name sweaty genitals talking about Waluigi porn and then be surprised when you get caught up

you're a fucking loser bro you're an absolute loser. If that's your fucking Reddit name or whatever and you shitpost like, oh, just trying to have a little fun, you're a fucking... Like, straight up, I'm not even trying to make me funny right now. You're a fucking loser. You're an absolute

loser who has no joy in life, nothing to go home to, nothing that makes him happy other than being fucking weird on the internet. Which, by the way, you can do that and be happy. Go ahead. Go live the Waluigi porn life, but then you don't get to be up in arms about it when someone is engaging in Waluigi porn talk with you.

The whatever's come home to roost. The Waluigi porn has come home to roost. Fuck off, man. Look at his little dick. That's the guy you think's hot? A little peck like that? He's probably drawn himself. It's a self reflection. Am I the asshole for needing 100% silence?

So many of you, so as many of you have been doing in these times, I'm currently working remote. I have a wife and two toddlers. I need silence to work. I don't have a home office. We're in a smallish apartment. It's been slowly pissing me off because I'm working hours and I hear noises such as my wife talking, watching TV, kids playing from the other room.

I've been very patient with them telling that I need 100% silence to focus. But even if they are trying to be quiet, I still hear some noises walking around, making food, cleaning. I got fed up with it and told my wife I'm the one working in this family and paying for everything. The least she can do is give me peace and quiet where I do my job. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, and it's her job to be silent and shut the kids up. If I don't have complete silence, I cannot work and therefore could lose my job. My wife, on the other hand, doesn't appreciate any of it. When I wasn't working from home, she would ask me to do chores after work

and take care of the kids when I am obviously very tired, needing to wind down and relax for the night. Then when I'm off on the weekend, I'm still expected to help out. I would remind her that it's her job to stay to be a stay at home mom, but she refuses to listen to me because, quote, it's my kids in my home, too. It hurts. It hurts that she doesn't appreciate how hard I work or my feelings. I do my part by supporting this family financially.

If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have a roof over our head or food to eat. But despite my voicing my feelings, she does not. She only has the nerve to disturb me, disturb my work, but also expects more of me afterwards. My wife is angry at me and refuses to back down. The worst part, she claimed that I don't appreciate her. Honestly, am I the asshole? I work very hard and I feel like I deserve to have my feelings considered. I mean, you're definitively

the asshole. How could you possibly write this? You just said your wife's job is to stay quiet and keep the kids quiet. I mean, bro. Yeah, bro. You're the asshole. Unless you are writing this in like 19 fucking... You're still the asshole. It's just the culturally accepted asshole. Yeah.

I mean, that is... And here's the deal too.'re not wrong like i also need 100 silence you just find a way to get through someone like i mean i can understand if people like like he said walking around and cleaning would that bother you here's some problems like cleaning a table i could like vacuuming one thing yeah but like i probably wouldn't hear that like if i heard it in the other room it would bother me. It would bother me. That's why you gotta tell them to have a party. Because I can drown myself in lots of noise.

Can't have a little bit of noise. It's when there's a little bit of noise is when it really gets me. That's like when you're trying to sleep at night and there's a single cricket. I could sleep through fucking traffic on 3rd Avenue. But if there's one single noise that you zero in on, then you're fucking crazy.

You got to have just a party. Be like, yeah, have all the kids over, whatever. I'll just fucking – Let her rip. I'll submerse myself. I mean this guy just hates his wife and kids. That's really what the problem is. 100%.

I don't know what's about the noise. It's about who's making the noise and you clearly don't like these people. We get that around here though. Like certain people feel like they need like complete silence to blog and it's like that's not going to happen here, bro. I get it. You're at the wrong fucking here, though. Certain people feel like they need complete silence to blog, and it's like, that's not going to happen here, bro. I get it. You're at the wrong fucking company, man. Either stay at home or adapt, because silence is hard to come by.

I got very lucky. Silence doesn't bother me when I'm working, actually. All right, so this guy's back in the office. There's not silence in an office. No, you've got printers going. Yeah. You've got fucking people talking. Phones ringing. There's not silence in an office. No, you've got printers going. You've got fucking people talking. Phones ringing. There's no silence anywhere in the fucking world.

Unless you have your own office. Except one of those fucking silent rooms that you can only sit in for like 30 seconds because they make you lose your mind. Yeah, because it's dead, dead, dead silent. Right. Have you guys ever been in one of those? No. It's fucking crazy. Is this just like a soundproof room?

Kind of like a... Yeah, it's padded on every single wall. And when they shut the door, you notice it. You could start hearing your heartbeat and shit it's really it's wild i i was only in one for that would freak like a minute or so but it was it was enough to be like so you're in there alone and the door closes i know i was in with people it was on a um i wouldn't trust that people would let me out of those yeah it was on a tour of columbia college and like why do they have it uh it's for um music recording and shit yeah well that's what i was gonna say it feels like it's a

you're in the booth for like music and you need total silence but like if someone was ever like yo you want to like check it out and see what it feels like i don't think i would do it because i'd be like what if you just decided to play a prank on me and not let me out yeah that would freak me the fuck out we see that all the time and like when i like worked in the back of a kitchen just lock each other in. That's what I mean. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's like, yeah, man, we'll let you out.

Nah, no, we won't. Even if it's for an extra minute, I'd go crazy. Just be any fucking adult and just yell at walls. Like, when you're done. I don't yell. I just growl at walls. What? I just go into a corner and I'm like'm like yeah that's what the adults do be an adult and growl at the wall give yourself a time out and

you just go and you don't do that i absolutely do not do that i just go and i just kind of stare like i never on the wall i never have any of my anger really manifest by myself i'm not gonna punch a wall i'm not gonna throw my phone i'm not gonna scream into a pillow i'm not gonna growl at a wall oh i do that and i guess maybe i should because i just keep it all inside if i'm like if i'm in an argument with a person i will yell and fight and stuff but if i'm by myself i will just sit there and be like this sucks this sucks this is a nightmare. But I'm not going to do anything. Oh, no. Do it outward.

You probably should. I probably should. Get it out. Hit walls. Yeah. You do that. Or you get a jump rope and you just go and you fucking hit shit with it. Which, I mean, we know John's been doing cross ropes.

So we know this has happened like yesterday. You do it until it fucking recoils and hits you. And then you feel like an idiot. Yeah. And you come down. That was ridiculous. You need something to shock you out of it. oh the phone's broken my knuckles are bleeding oh that's stupid like any adult would yeah like all the adults throw a temper tantrum like a

fucking adult bro all right last one i love I love this one. This one hits home. Am I the asshole for not wanting to scratch him as long as he wants? Let me first say I love my husband. Like anyone else in a relationship, there's always a few tweaks that one significant other wants the other one to make. My tweak I want him to make is odd, to say the least. When my husband was growing up, his mother would always scratch his arm his leg his back now that he's married he constantly wants me to scratch him and it's and it's where his branch and berries and it's where his branch and berries always i mean always yesterday it was the very first thing when i woke up he took off his pants and lift and lifted his balls and said scratch

here what i don't want to do crap within the first 20 minutes of waking up at least. And after that, since I haven't been sleeping well because I don't feel good, I went back to sleep. He goes, watches TV, comes back to wake me up because it was 1 in the afternoon. It was 12.09, and he's standing next to the bed, and lo and behold, I wake up with a set of balls in my face to scratch. I didn't know we were going this direction. I said this hits home.

This doesn't hit home. After that session, I get up, do crap around the house, and sit on the couch next to him. And I'll be damned, and I don't be damned if he doesn't stick his leg out to scratch his leg and feet. Again, for a long-ass time. Next, he gets up, and I know exactly what he's doing, getting his pillow and blanket.

You guessed it, scratches balls. This time, 47 minutes of him pulling up a ball to scratch here, move a leg out there, and at this point, I'm ready to tear his balls out. Throughout the day, after the last one, he did this six more times. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. So, you asshole, do not. So, yeah, long story short, am I the asshole for not wanting to scratch him as much as he wants? Thoughts.

You and I are two roads diverged in the woods here. You don't like to be touched. I don't like to be scratched. I don't desire massages or touching or anything like that. In fact, I have the same amount of patience for getting scratched as I have for giving scratched. It's about three scratches. And then after that, it's like, let's just fucking do our own thing for a second. We would never work.

And it makes no fucking – I get that a lot where it's like why'd you stop but i don't know i did three i acknowledge what you oh that's even worse i'd rather you not because once once you start i'm like how long is this gonna last it's gonna last oh never mind like you got my hopes up you're a cock tease there's scratch tease i'm a big scratch i don't understand the appeal of it i don't want it i don't give it it's not it feels good it doesn't feel good well i mean yeah if you don't have you must not have like nerves in your body or something that if you don't i mean i get itchy i just go like this it's not an itch you're not scratching me because i'm itchy it's not like i

have an itchy back i don't i don't like i didn't grow up with a ton of touching so i don't like touching now right there weren't massages there weren't fucking head rubs and yeah that's all i need in this world man i've said it a thousand times i don't i don't need the sex i don't need anything else you scratch my head you rub my back i will give you the fucking world man that's all i need you leave you fucking leave a good leave leave room between us on the couch for the holy ghost and we'll be all good that's all i need i need space for the holy ghost i if i can come home every night i could just like lay my head in your lap you'll scratch my head like run your fingers through my hair no that is i mean i i think i would love to i wish there was a way to

like quantify it or to like i think if you could feel what i felt or if i could like get the girl to feel what i'm feeling when you do it to me, you would understand. I guess. I don't doubt that it feels good for people. It just doesn't for me. I'm not befuddled. I'm getting goosebumps and I'm like, oh my god, that feels amazing.

It's the only thing that I could ever ask for. I'm a vessel on this earth for giving pleasure. I don't want to receive it. But you don't scratch. I just don't get it. I feel too awkward when someone's giving me pleasure.

I get it in my own head. Even at the fucking hair salon when they're massaging your head, I'm like, just fucking shampoo. I don't need this. That's the best of all. When they're getting in your temples, they get underneath, they get the back. I'm getting in your temples. They get underneath. You get the back.

Oh, I'm getting uncomfortable just talking about it. My God. Just give it a scratch. But if you're a vessel on this earth to give pleasure and someone's like, I want you to scratch or rub my head, you're not going to do it? I think because I can't comprehend how that feels good. So therefore, I can't get like – i understand how like vagina stuff makes you feel good i can do that i can do you understand how that works more than getting a head rub yep 100 yeah why what's your clit feel like

why that's insane to understand you got a medium-sized clit well as far as clits go it's a big clip god damn it i i this is uh like this is weird i again i think exaggerated or whatever like the balls thing is strange but i do think that there is a problem you if you if you run into a relationship problem that's like the scratcher and the scratchy i think it can be like we're gonna break up like if you always expect scratches and you want someone to do it and they're not gonna rub your head enough they get like annoyed by it you are like why won't you do this for me if you're not on the same page and usually there's like a scratcher and a scratchy

usually it's like when it works is when a girl or a guy is like oh i actually like like doing it like i'll you know it soothes me to like run my fingers through your hair and it's like oh good it soothes me to have your fingers run through my hair so we're good like you have to you have to match up it's like when you find someone i eat the drumsticks you eat the flats like we're good you know right now shea and keegan shea shea likes the marshmallows lucky charms keegan likes the oats. I don't know why. It's fucking crazy. She finishes all the marshmallows.

I just shoot the bowl over to Keegan. He eats the oats. I'm like, that was perfect. One bowl, two kids. We're all good. So if you can find someone on the same level of you want to give the scratch, I want to receive the scratch, to me, if I find that, I'll be married again as soon as i can done that's all i need in this world i don't need the sex i don't need the what's what's it called love um love language love language my love language is the one for just fucking scratching let's find

out it's probably it's probably physical touch but i don't mean it like everyone takes that to mean sex i don't want the sex. Stay away from my dick. Actually, it's weird to want you to scratch my balls. I want you to scratch my head, scratch my back. Done. Maybe give me a little hand rub, a little forearm rub. Okay, words of affirmation.

Nope. Acts of service. Yup. Receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch. I'm acts of service. Say it again. Uh, we'll go one by one.

Say the first one. Words of affirmation. I kind of might need that because I get so many words of what's the opposite of affirmation. D affirmation. I see. I just think, I think all words of affirmation are a lie. So I just don't,

it doesn't phase me. Yeah. I definitely don't need you to like praise me and hype me up. You're the best. You're great. Yeah. I don't need that. But I probably need like,

I love you. No, you don't. You. But I probably need like people to remind me. I love you. No, you don't. You know what the number one thing you can tell someone is? I like you. Yeah, I like you. Like love is fucking, you know,

it's like, yeah, you love your aunt too. I don't give a shit. Do you like me? You want to hang out with me? Do you like being around me? That's the most important thing there is. I don't,

words of affirmation do nothing because I probably need somebody to remind me you're not a piece of shit or like whatever the internet's saying about you constantly yeah just a nice reminder you're not that what's the next one acts of service that one is that is this like scratch you know no i think acts of service is like just doing something i need done you want an assistant i'm just saying this you need a secretary like just something i don't want to do can you do that for me that's that's what i think of an active search maybe i might be having the wrong interpretation yeah i i mean i would it's an act i mean it's literally an active search i

would like you really like call for me i would really like if you do the laundry that would be great yeah so i guess i'm in on that yeah i don't need it but that would help yeah that would be a bonus uh that's my only one receiving gifts no definitely not that bad definitely don't need that i receiving gifts is like it's the same thing where it just makes you feel awkward i don't uh i have to pretend i love this thing because you've got it for me no i don't need that uh quality time i'm not against quality time but um i'm fine i've always been pro long-distance relationship so uh quality time isn't a necessary thing for me either i feel like quality time also implies too like you're going out on a date

or you're planning something grand you're going away on trips or does it mean just sitting on the couch then I don't need it but that's what I want I want that over what I just described I don't need to go away I prefer to have extravagant time

no yeah I don't need that you don't have to take me to to have extravagant time no yeah i'm the i don't need that i don't want you know you don't have to like take me to the fancy club or bar or restaurant or whatever i could just chill on the couch with you i'm good finally physical touch no don't need that either uh yeah i could i could definitely be fine with an assistant yeah you you are you are an asexual like businessman that's all you are. No, I need the physical touch and the... If only I was a sociopath, I'd probably be a CEO. You're just missing the one key ingredient.

I'd be on the Forbes 500 list. This guy is fucking... Whatever. All right. Except Erica. Erica's not... I don't want that getting misconstrued. Yeah.

All the other CEOs. She's not her. Not ours. She really isn't like a normal CEO. So none of those things apply. All right. Right now, the KFC radio team is ever evolving, growing, and changing. Right now, we got this pack of kids.

We got... Nick, how old are you, actually? You're not a kid anymore. 26. 27? 27? 27. Do you not know how old you are, Nick?

I mean, this year a birthday passed. I saw your tweet this morning. You could tell me whatever month you want and I'd agree. That's what month it is. I get that. I always stumble. I remember when I finally turned 21, it was more harrowing than when I had a fake ID. People would be like, how old are you? I'm like, fuck.

I don't know. 22, I think. 21 to probably 26, 27. I had no idea. I know my age, but my thing is, I still think... I called myself 30 the other day. Yeah, I still think I'm close to 30 and I'm going to be 36.

It blew my mind the other day that a 26-year-old, I'm 10 years older than Nick. We are not the same. We are not in the same age bracket here. That fucks me up. So I do know my age, unlike these idiots, but my point of reference is all fucked up. But my point being that we got Nick, who I think 26 is still mid-20s.

I think 27 and up is late 20s so you're still kind of a kid and now we got intern Jackie she's here for the week and we got Zach who's working on TikTok and social media you want you're probably about 22 23 okay so the point is we got this little crew of kids here the KFC radio gang and uh I walk in and Zach's about to say something. They're like our Lost Boys. Yeah. And Girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like an orphanage for wayward kids. Yo, speaking of that, do you know the origin of Peter Pan? It is horribly depressing.

Yeah, I don't know the origin, but it is. I actually was just about to do this on Mail Time. We're going to do it next week. When you look at, because we were talking about Wicked and looking at guests, looking at characters from a different point of view. I mean, Peter Pan chopped off a dude's hand

and fed it to an alligator. Peter Pan's creeping in people's windows at night. He's probably tripping on LSD because he can't find his own shadow. I mean, he's fucking whacked. But no. What's the origin of him or the origin of the story?

The story, the author. His little brother died and his mother was always really sad about it. So he wrote a story about where all the dead little boys go. So all the lost boys in Peter Pan are dead. So Never Never Land is heaven. It's little boy heaven. Whoa! And Captain Hook is like the devil or something?

Yeah, I don't know where he comes into play here. I just read a brief little synopsis of it. That's pretty cool. Once he wrote it and once it got popular, he just gave the rights of it to a children's hospital in London or something like that. That's why everyone can make whatever story they want about it. I read a little fan fiction that it's not that the kids never age,

it's that if they get old, he kills them. So the lost boy is like, no one's over the age of 12. It's like, because when you hit 13, Peter murders you. So yeah, Zach is our Peter Pan, I guess, in our little orphanage for way worse. I think we're Peter Pan in this. Yeah. Right. No.

Right. Right. Right. Yeah. You're a Peter Pan. I've said that forever. You're a Peter Pan. I was Peter Pan.

I'm fucking Wendy. For many years. Yeah. I've said that forever. You're Peter Pan. I'm fucking Wendy. For many years. And Zach, Nicky, Zach, Jack, Zach, Nick, and Jackie are our lost boys and girl. The way we're souls. So Zach was about to say something, and Nick was like, hang on, hang on, press record. So pop a mic, Zach. Come on over.

Move over to that mic right there. And there's one over here, too, if you want to get involved jackie what's what is happening i'm a little like i'm almost nervous is what's what's about to happen here so previous to this we were listening to voicemails okay and i happen to mention to nick i i called him with one voicemail ever oh me and my friends i should say oh boy and it was us just sitting around in my friend's basement at the time when I was in high school. These things tend to happen.

A few years ago. Yeah. And we saw a stat about how many murderers you come by and everything. And so, the question we ended up

calling in with, what is there more of in the world? Porn stars or murderers? That's a legendary question, bro. That is one of our go-to's for ATI. For the first 10 episodes, we always ask that. That's what it was like, a bell of danger or something.

I was like, you guys have to watch this. That's awesome. That's fucking, yeah. Clap it up. Thank you. Clap it up. We need more of that. Zach.

That's one of my all-time favorite questions on ATI. Have you ever told me that and I just didn't – you should have told me that. I completely – it honestly just slipped my mind. Wow. When it comes up in ATIs, I'm still surprised. Well, you know what's so funny is whenever we're talking about those questions, because people ask us a lot when we get the guests, like where do these questions come from? And I say 90% of them are user-submitted, maybe like 5% we come up with or we tweak. And then the other 5% are the ones that are just in the ether.

They're just a part of the internet. And I always say, imagine being the guy who was the first to say that. You can't pin it down. Nobody's going to figure it out. There's one dude out there who was like fucking probably tripping and was like, what about a horse-sized duck and a duck-sized horse? And he's walking around going like, that was me. I was the first one to put that out there. Not that, you know, horse-sized duck and a duck-sized horse? He's walking around going like, that was me! I was the first one to put that out there.

Not that Pornstar's a murderer is not on that level, but for us it is. That's one of our Hall of Famers. Are you guys sober for this? No. What was the consensus of the group when you guys were talking about it? We fought a lot because it became like, as you guys know, you have to define what a porn star is. You have to define what a murderer is. I think what we fought a lot because it became like, as you guys know, you have to define what a porn star is. You have to define what a murderer is.

And so I think what we ended up settling on was porn stars just because there's like that stat that it's like for every one regular page is like 3,000 porn pages or whatever. Where do you fall? I forget. I go back and forth. I think that now, again, defining porn star is different. If we're just doing someone who's paid to have sex on camera. Well, now it's getting crazy. Right.

That's probably doubled in the past year even. I would guess, and we're not counting soldiers that are murderers. People got away. Yeah. People get caught. Is that crazy? I've heard things that are even worse.

It's like even more so. So, you know, is it and is it like, yeah, I think if you kill someone once, you're a murderer, right? I think a porn star is like you can make a sex tape, but I think you have to have some repetition. And I think also we're thinking I think we tend to think about it on a localized scale like America. But when you open it up to the question of murderers in the world. You're talking about murderers or porn stars though? Both because there are a lot less – like there are very few porn stars like in the Middle East. Right.

I don't know what the murder count over there is. I guess it's got a little higher just based on – I would think so. Like third world countries. But I think anywhere that third world countries are a little more war stricken or whatever. Yeah, I mean that is. Genocide's a big one. Genocide's a big one.

That'll get your stats up. No, that's one murderer really. Oh, true. There's a lot of murderers. Well, no, he's ordering the murders. There are people doing true but but it's still you know it's one person who rolls in that day with a fucking flamethrower or something in north korea and kills you know a thousand people so it's a lot of people getting murdered but i think the number of people actually committing it are are lower than that but yeah i mean you start to open

up to the rest of the world and like and that's where I start to think about what's going on in the fucking Australian outback where no one's getting caught. You're on a hike, you murder someone. I don't even know if I count that as a murder. What is that called then? If you murder someone in the Australian outback? Cultural pastime. Hobbies.

Hobbies in Australia include fucking kangaroos and murder that's just like if you're if you're in the bush that's just participating in the culture that's like fucking going to spain and having a paella it's the same fucking thing australians are gonna be like what the fuck man um that's all that's like exactly you know when we talk about ati and the app and the game show and the card game and the show i'm always like part of what we want to do on the app is include some sort of thing where it's almost like what's uh heads up where you're filming

your crew playing you know and like that would imagine we had that on camera like zach and his crew the first time they tackled this question and i'm sure were you guys like screaming at each other yeah i mean like heated? Yeah, I mean like at first it was very much just like a civil argument. That's how it goes. No, but there's so much like, there's so many, there's so much porn. And like, but there's also so many dead people. Yeah, there's so many dead people.

Yeah, so. I think I think in recent you know, within the past it's funny, both of them probably bumped, you know what I mean? Like there's been a lot of fucking protests and murders and shit. But if you're going to include... If OnlyFans... Now, bikini pictures don't count, but if you're fucking yourself

on OnlyFans... If you're fucking yourself? Yeah, does that count? You're not a porn star. You count in this game. Well, isn't the game porn star? But porn star is... Then we're labeling it to 100 people. Yeah, you're right.

But like what if it was amateur porn? Like a star. Like how many stars are in the NFL? Asa Akira is a porn star. How many of those are out there? Probably like under 100 in my mind. If you're really going to have some like... How many can you name off the top of your head?

That's how many porn stars there are. Okay, and that's, you know, for you, that's like 2-3 thousand. For the rest of us, I could probably hit 50. We'll do that. We will do that on camera. I can do it right now, but we will do that. I'm going to lock you in a room and

whoever has the longer list wins. But loses. But, you know, murder is, I think, I always kind of,'m like wait where do i fall and then when i argue through it i think i am firm i end up firmly on porn on murderers murderers oh see i think i'm from important stars no way well i know i'm saying definitely porn stars yeah it's where i stand again i so what, we're calling it amateur porn stars then? If you get paid, if OnlyFans counts,

yep, I'm totally in. Then I think it like blows it out of the water. Okay. But, I think OnlyFans counts. Jackie,

what's your OnlyFans? Are you a porn star? Jackie, do you, you go to USC, do you have any like friends of OnlyFans? Grab a mic.

No, not that I know of of but that's the thing we've all considered I like also my friends like listen to the like multiple times when you guys talked about porn stars well yeah because we talk about it every day every single day and you guys are very convincing

I mean right it's like have you I mean I don't know anybody technically have you ever given it like some I don't know why USC was right away. I was like, you go to USC. You must know something about this. No, I agree, though. Like Southern Cal, everyone's hot, tan, you know, laid back,

like probably dreams of making it or whatever. I agree. I would think that – I would have that logic as well. Have you or your friends ever, you think, like, given it some real consideration? Or is it just like, man, he's right. That would be awesome. But, like, no way I'm gonna do that i i i highly doubt that we actually ever would there's like two of my friends who i could picture actually i bet you i bet you there

are girls who like not just your crew but in general who you think are like open with you and would tell you anything but even but that they would keep close to the vest, you know? Yeah, that's true. I mean, we sit around and we're like, we're literally losing money right now.

Yeah. I'm having an only fan. Yes. I'm losing money, but like also I'm losing money by not panhandling. Yeah. But I mean, I could make money.

That's a little bit more money. It's more money, but I'm losing out on $15 an hour. That's what panhandlers make. Something like that. What? I mean, I heard that one time. There are ones who can make bank.

That's absurd. I didn't start doing that. But I think the reason why it's different is because it's so easy. And I think when you're a hot chick or even just – you don't even have to be that hot. It's like I'm already almost doing it with Instagram. I'm already posting shit that's like my mom and dad probably wouldn't be happy about it and like i just gotta go a little bit further i think that's why it's it's a little more realistic than like oh well i could do this for money it's like you're kind of right there as is plenty of people do it do you have any friends who are like mysteriously

you know living okay like like i know i know a few friends who friends of friends i know that are like traveling the world and never you know always wearing nice shit literally always seems to be on vacation and i know her friends that like that's my connection are like how the fuck does she do this and and it's been going on for a while so i was like this was pretty only fans i was like i think she's like a sugar baby but you know when when that's going on it's kind of like how you know we're all eating ramen tonight and she's like walking in with a new birkin bag or some shit it's like something's going on here so that's the other thing is if you want to keep it quiet not only do you have to like no face and make it anonymous, but you almost can't.

It's like being a drug dealer. You know what I mean? You got to like put the cash under your bed. Exactly. But then it's almost like, well, then what the fuck are we? You know, okay. I have like security for the future, but like whatever you want to, if you're going to be an only fan, you want to live it up.

A kid can go to college. Yeah. No, that's what I mean. No one's doing only fans for fucking college tuition in 20 years. Doing only fans for right fucking now. So you can't, you know, like I can afford this awesome apartment, but if I do, what am I going to tell people? You have to like have a money laundering scheme.

You got to fucking buy a car wash like Scarlett White. Yeah, you guys saw that TikTok, right? That girl that had like, it was like her and her Corvette or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her bags and shit. Yeah, like that's how you got to live. You can't just live with that. There was one tweet that went viral.

It might have been edited because I saw it on Reddit. And it was like, you guys say what you want about OnlyFans, but I just bought my dream house at 17. You can't just live with that. There was one tweet that went viral. It might have been edited because I saw it on Reddit. And it was like, you guys say what you want about OnlyFans, but I just bought my dream house at $17. Yeah. $17. I don't think you can do that. Are you even allowed to buy houses, period? Yeah.

But that's why I keep saying this all started for me where it was like, in five years, seven years, this is going to be totally normal. Not normal, but like way more acceptable. And you're going to be like, well, fuck. I should have started it then. Or if you're like, seven years ago, I was like 28. Now I'm washed up. No one wants to see this anymore. Start your OnlyFans.

Yes, but if you're going to include OnlyFans, I think then porn stars blow it out of the water. I do think, maybe it's just my pessim to include OnlyFans I think then Pornstar is blown out of the water but I do think maybe it's just my pessimistic outlook on life I think there's a lot of people out there ending lives that is true but yeah I feel like there has to be a certain threshold

you can't just call everyone an OnlyFans like a Pornstar but still you have to like we just said there are plenty of people on OnlyFans just in bikinis have you considered that doing OnlyFans that in bikinis. Have you considered that? What? Doing OnlyFans that's not hardcore.

Maybe Instagram, but just a little more risque or a little more behind the scenes or something like that. I think I'm just too lazy to use Instagram. Yeah, I get that. I'm too lazy to use Instagram. Let alone fucking take my clothes off, too. That's a whole other step. I don't want to take a picture of me in clothes i gotta fucking take my sweatshirt off this fucking man no thanks but i mean it's really like here's another this is this is a moment where i felt uh i had these moments where i'm like yep you're an old guy like yep you're washed up it started my first one was when i started drinking unsweetened iced tea.

I was like, yeah, you're washed up, man. That's an old person move. This summer was the first time for me where I'm at the beach, and I was like, goodness gracious, everyone's wearing a thong. This is getting crazy. To me, when I was growing up, it was like you're wearing a fucking diaper to the beach, you know what I mean? And now it's tiny. Fucking guys are practically wearing thongs now.

I see fucking. You got a three-inch inseam. What's up? I see Connor's fucking dick like every day now. Apparently that happens to me a lot too. Yeah? You get your junk out? I don't wear like.

I wear shorter shorts. I don't even have like a five-inch inseam. I know that. But I was getting tweets last night like, bro. Put it away? On the rundown. They were like, this is just there. I was like, I didn't know that.

Yeah. Did you see that guy on Family Feud the other day? Oh. That was. So it was somebody's son, right? Son-in-law. Right. But who's Betsy?

She's the Secretary of Education. She's the one who said you need guns in school to shoot bears. So her son or grandson or nephew, whatever it was, was on Family Feud. And at the end, they're all clapping it up and dancing. They all dance at the end of Family Feud. It's so weird. And his moose knuckle was just like... But it wasn't even like it was a big dick.

It was just his dick and balls were in a ball. It looked painful. Like it was all just mashed up. It wasn't like a Lamar Jackson picture. No. Oh, that's a piece. It was just like that dude's genitals are just twisted into a knot. It was like you put the balls like on top.

Okay, you ever seen the scene in Skyfall? This is going gonna be good no but let's find it it's with uh I think it was the first bond with Daniel Craig and he's getting tortured and it's the uh

they cut the bottom out of like a wicker chair and then the guy's just swinging a thick rope tied into a knot and just smacking the dick with it from all the balls under it. And it looked like the end of that. Where it's just like it's all just in a knot. But the point is it's just in a knot.

Yeah, I mean, it looked like just, he must have been uncomfortable that whole, and then he... You could see the outline of his briefs. If you can see the outline, like the bottom where it's fucking... Like a seam? A seam. Yeah, yeah, whatevers. If you can see the outline, like the bottom where it's fucking... Like a seam? Yeah, whatever it is. You can see the outline of that. Like, your pants are

too tight, sir. And then he kind of, I don't know whether it was just like by chance and it looks this way, but he's clapping and he kind of looks down and then he's like, oh shit, like my cock and balls are out. There are pants I've definitely put on where I'm like, I can't wear these to the office. And I'll do some lunges around the apartment first to try and loosen them up.

And then if that doesn't work, I'm like, well, I got to take these off because, I don't know, people might see my penis today. Dude, yesterday. And that's not on fucking a major watch national TV. That's like, I might end up on like, I don't know, a podcast. So this happened to me yesterday. All these cameras were in because when Whitlock called into the radio and I realized I was doing kind of like the you know when you're like you're like lean a little bit and kind of just like stretching and i look up and like there was fucking five cameras on me i'm like fuck can we maybe edit that part out um but so yeah you're right i mean guys dicks are out and everything at

the beach so like of course it's gonna be that way for girls too and my point being that like if you're doing that like just publicly hanging out in general by the way forget about me being like washed up and talking about like how these bathing suits are too small it is kind of funny that for like all for all forever now people just wear their underwear to the beach you know if you were walking down the street in like your bra and underwear you'd be like oh my god but not if you're walking to the beach and it's like to the old henry fortune oh yeah what did she do she wore a blazer and a bra yes the blazer was the look crazy uh kramer crash yes sue ellen mishki sue ellen mishki was incredible but like yeah i mean it's just like yeah i wear my underwear and that's okay because we're gonna be on the sand you're not on the sand of your problem I mean it makes sense

you don't get sand all over your clothes no no no it does but I'm just saying it's all modesty is all in your brain all made up you know because you'd be nervous if you were walking into a restaurant that way or something but if you were going to the beach

totally okay it's just water rules. Water rules. You can wear sandals if you can see the water. You can wear, I've changed this summer. But now it's like you can have your cheeks out. Yeah, if you're near the water, you can have cheeks out. If you can see the water, you can have cheeks out.

Cheeks out, tits out. You can have your shirt off if you can see the water. Whatever. Anything more than that is ridiculous. As long as you can see the water. But isn't that so funny? Yeah, but. Like if you're a girl and you are in someone like.

You can be at a bar even. Yeah, you go to a beach bar. Like, if you're on the main street, like, you can see the water. Okay. So you can wear sandals. You can wear a bathing suit bottom. Absolutely. But if you were.

If you're in New York City and you go to, like, a lounge or something. And you were walking in a thong and a bra. You know, it would be, like like record scratch. The whole place stops. Where's the water, ladies? We think this is. There's buildings all over the place. There's concrete. There's fucking concrete. You can't do that. Now if you get up to the roof deck, then it's okay.

Roof deck in Manhattan. You can see the river. Yeah, you can take your pants off. Fair. For sure. So if you are within eyesight of a body of water. Yeah. Okay.

How about... I think that... I'm not even making a joke. I think that you can absolutely be in a bikini bottom on top of... If you can see the water from the roof deck. Right now. It's October.

September 30th. Hey, you want to do your thing? Do your thing, girl. But you think right now we could go to, like, the rooftop of a hotel bar on September 30th or whatever it is today, and there's a chick just wearing a thong bikini. She'd be turning heads.

All good. But I don't think she'd get kicked out. You think she would be, like, posted on social media, like the Barstool main account, being like, this is Shue Allen Mischie. She's crazy. I think probably. Probably. For sure.

But it also, you know what else is funny? It matters if it's like you're wearing a pink bikini versus a lace black set or whatever. Yes. That makes a difference, too. And also, as everything in the world. Oh, try your heart. That's really number one.

Are you hot? You're fat. This is ridiculous. Get out of here. Lock you up. Skinny and hot. You're just fashion. So to bring it all back,

it's like, you're kind of like the way just like fashion is going. You're, you're 90% of the way there, you know, do like five more percent. You're making bank. I'll get there one day. Heaven help us.

I'll get there one day. Heaven help us. I started doing crossrope again, so we'll see how that goes. How about you start doing crossrope in your underwear? Nah, I got to lose a couple of weight. I'll start doing anything, any jumping shirtless. That'd be the worst. It wouldn't be great.

You could not pay me to jump up and down on camera right now. What would be the worst thing for you to do? Like, what if we did the woman show? Like, the man show? The man show. And it's just us on a trampoline. Fucking bouncing around. Now it's next up, like, skinny fat bloggers jumping on trampolines.

What would be the most embarrassing thing for you? What do you mean? Like what type, like would that be it? Like jump up and down on video. Like what would be, if I were to ask you to do X, Y, Z on video? Probably math. Math? Use my brain.

Mathematics. It's definitely math. But I'm not embarrassed about it i just i don't know that's what i mean like yeah you're okay with that what would be something that would like really be like oh my god i'm like dreading i'm dreading this would it be like you know would it be something with your body would it be something is there something i don't know intellectually that you know you don't care about math but if I were to ask you to do something with writing or words or vocabulary? Fucking wow people, so sure. Okay, so that's what I mean. So that's something you would pride yourself on. If I gave you a video, if we did a video and I gave you some words that you, I don't know, maybe I'm asking you to use them in a sentence or like a thesaurus.

Give me other words for this. So you're proving that you like no words and you failed at that. Would that be like, would you feel embarrassed? No. Would you ever feel embarrassed? That's the end of the question. Would you ever feel it? Would you ever get it?

I mean, I honestly don't know. I mean, it's been 10 years of just nonsense on the camera. So it's more, it's pretty hard to embarrass me right now. I don't know what would i mean it's been 10 years of just nonsense on the camera so like it's it's more it's pretty hard to embarrass me right now i don't know what it would be um it's a great trait to have by the way you know i don't know i don't know what it would be maybe not like what do you get nervous for if you just put me in a bunch of fucking under armor i'd be like under armor stuff under armor like because even then like even like your dick looks fucking weird in that and then like you're i think bargatze's got a joke about it where like he's like i look better Under Armour. Because even then, your dick looks fucking weird in that.

And then, I think Bargatze's got a joke about it. He's like, I look better without a shirt on. Yes, 100%. I think he said it's like when they go to a plastic surgeon. And they're circling, like, we would fix this. He's like, they should just put an Under Armour shirt on you. So obviously you can see what areas we're going to attack here. You don't need to get the marker out. It's right here.

So I would actually be better standing naked than standing in full Under Armour, for sure. But like, yeah, if you put me like in a sorority house and I just stand there naked, that would be pretty embarrassing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Definitely. But like, I noticed you don't like get nervous when we go on stage, right? No, I get nervous. Do you? Yeah. You hide it well. Yeah. Well I notice you don't get nervous when we go on stage, right? No, I get nervous. Do you?

Yeah. You hide it well. Yeah. Well, that's my whole life. It's not hiding emotions. I'm pretty good at it. I've had a lot of experience. But I'm not like, oh, my God, I can't go up there.

But I have nerves, no doubt. I just can't stop sweating. I'm not nervous. I mean, I am nervous. And then we get going, and and i'm like this is going fine it's totally okay my body just will not comply will not you sweat a lot a lot it's like i'm wet but it's not i mean it's not i mean i'm making a joke there no it's not like no i mean you definitely sweat but it's not like it's enough that people like call me out after the shows

in like a funny way but they're like, Oh, buddy, you were like, poor. It's also because you're sitting under fucking heat lights. Yeah, but it's not because you're sitting under the same heat as me and you're not. I just don't sweat, though. That is true. I need a third party to stand up there with me and be like, are you sweating or not? We need a tiebreaker here because you're just a freak. But being nervous is funny.

It's the most I think In a weird way No exaggeration It's the most important thing in the world If you can not be nervous And not be embarrassed And not feel awkward

You can dominate whatever it is you're doing I think everyone feels that It's almost like in war movies When they're like i'm not fearless like i don't i'm not not scared i'm scared and i'm getting over it yes that's for sure it's i don't think if you are not feeling it's either like some truly next level you're okay with everything or but it's more that you you you know how to control it or, or, or just deal with it.

Like, that's what I would say about, I was talking to a hard factor Pat last night, behind the block, October 14th coming out. One of the best ones we've ever done had like an hour long plus conversation with him. Fascinating dude. And we were talking just about the internet in general and like haters and all that shit.

And I was saying, I, I still think anybody who says I, with you being the exception, you were like, I think the only person in the world when general and like haters and all that shit and i was saying i i still think anybody who says with you being the exception you're like i think the only person in the world when people are like i don't watch the i don't read the comments i don't i don't read the tweets i don't read the reddit i don't even know i'm like bullshit that's just not true it's like and i told him i read it it hurts me i don. I don't like it. I wish everybody was like, yeah, that was awesome. Or yeah, that's funny. Or yeah, I like them.

But that's not the case. But when you let it change what you're doing is the problem. But I think you're letting it change what you're doing. You think I am? I think everyone is. I think it's impossible not to. I think if you read criticism like that, and it might be subconscious. It's probably subconscious.

Okay, maybe I'll give you subconscious. I have never been like, okay,'t think tomorrow i'm gonna say it this way or avoid this so that that person right like like oh like people didn't like this thing i did even though i loved it and then maybe i won't do that anymore that's true i i think yeah that's why i always tell like new people here and i think i've said this a million times i'm probably a broken record here like it's definitively gonna make you worse at your job because it's human nature to want to be liked, and it's human nature to, for some reason, we put stock in strangers' words. And that's me too.

It's everybody. And you can't avoid it. So just – you can't avoid letting it change you. So just avoid it altogether. And then if someone – like I've always said, if someone at work gives me feedback then i listen when i trust someone i respect or even definitely take it there are some fans that i respect enough that i've like kind of grown to know over the years just through like twitter and shit like that that i if you gave me some honest feedback i would i would consider it i mean i wouldn't let that be like the end all be all but if it's like i know

you've been watching or listening for like 10 years with me and you're usually very pro kfc radio whatever and you say to me like hey man like that that wasn't that cool or whatever like okay take it into consideration but you know random people and and i think the point you always make is such a good one that it's like you're here to make money and especially if you have like responsibility and shit like that bills to pay it's like at the end of the day you're here to like have a career make money and support and if you do this you will make less you will be worse you will i mean and then then you're just an idiot if you can acknowledge that understand that and keep allowing it to happen some of it's a little bit like compulsive it's almost like a there's definitely not a disease but you have to get over

where I understand like I am weird in that aspect where like, you know, I think it's an episode of The Good Place where like I gotta watch that by the way. What's her name? I forget her name. Jamila Jamil I think is her real name. I forget her name on the show, but it's like her one thing is like to get into heaven

to get into The Good Place they have to walk down this hallway and avoid all the doors and then if they get through the end it's like all the hallways are designed to be like their deepest desires and hers is like people are talking about her behind every door and it's like get to the end and you can get into heaven and she gets to like the last door

and it's like her parents and she goes in because she's like I want to see what my parents are saying about me and I get like if you know people are talking about you you want to see what they're saying but about me. And I get, like, if you know people are talking about you, you want to see what they're saying. But, like, once you get over that, it's very easy to just be like, whatever, man. Do you think your family talks about you? I hope so.

Like, in a bad way, though? You think they're ever kind of like, ugh, John's like, doing XYZ again? I definitely think my family does. I don't think so. I know. I mean, my family for sure does. For sure. I mean, maybe I'm wrong, obviously.

That's a distinct possibility. But I don't think there's a lot of like, what the hell is John doing? I'm pretty just like. Yeah. Well, but I think that's because that's, yeah, you are that way. I feel like my family for sure is like, what's he doing? What is he doing? I think if it wasn't for –

I think they talk about me in good ways sometimes. I don't think I bring a lot of mama or shame or like – Yeah, that's – Exclusively. I meant with my employment. And like there's like – Oh, yeah, both for me. There's – it's just like, I don't know, like he's just – he lives in New York and he does whatever the fuck he wants.

I think if there wasn't, you know, hopefully a decent pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I think my family would have like stepped in at some point. See, my dad likes it. So my mom doesn't care. So I can't imagine that there's much like what's he thinking out there. Well, my mom is still like convinced that it's like it's not working like she's just so programmed to always worry that she thinks this is all gonna go away one day and i think until like the the check clears i think she's gonna be like like there are still times where she'll be like i told you guys not to do this your brother shouldn't

have left his job he should have stayed in real estate you should have done the finance thing this was so stupid and i'm like mom like relax but uh but so i'm sure that's going on behind my back no doubt see i think my family probably has interventions just without me like they're just they do it together and like one day i'm going to be invited to my own intervention until then i get i get i think i get my like i'm not i don't care about that i'm not watching from my mom like i'm not reading because she's like she i don't care what john does i'm just not paying attention that to me is one of the best things that's ever happened to me because if my mom watched and consumed i that's that's one person i probably would change my my style for if i knew that she was watching like Stop saying the F word. I mean, I would have to stop doing everything I do.

Just stop talking about OnlyFans. I mean, God, I just think about like if my mom heard me talk about anal. You know, like... Like, that is crazy with Karabas. Yes, I almost stop what I'm doing because of his mom. I 100% do.

I 100% call myself Sean. Absolutely. I mean, we were talking about Jared giving girls facials as mother was listening. I would never. You'd have to put a gun to my head, and I'd say pull it. I mean, he was like, yeah. I'd move to my temple, so it just goes through my eyes, and I end up blind. But I would pull the trigger.

I'd say pull it. I mean, he was like, I will fucking throw a load on her face. And I was like, your mother is listening. Like, I'm sorry, Ellen. This is my fault, technically, too. Cut his mics off. Cut his mics. He's got to say something about the sex and his mom's listening.

What the fuck was that, Zach? What was that? Is that your text message? No. Oh. It was like... You are bright red right now, dude. You are...

I mean, do you know the show you're listening to? That doesn't matter at all. By the way, did you see that Dennis Quaid video that's fake? Yeah. Oh, I knew that was fake. I thought we were going to get another Christian Bale type of rant for a moment. I was so pumped. I could tell Dennis Quaid was acting.

Yeah. Which I don't know if that means he's a good actor or bad actor, but I could tell he was acting. As soon as he said dickhead, I was like, I don't think he's a dickhead. He delivers a dickhead well. Yeah, yeah, but he just doesn't sound good. Dickhead.

I wish. I love those rants. I was like, put that up there with Bale and Berman and all the other assholes. Ugh, but it was like Funny or Die or something like that. I didn't even know it was fake definitively. I just saw it. Oh, yeah, no, it's like a full-blown skit.

I think it was Funny or Die or College Humor or whatever it was. But, yeah, it ended up being fake. So be it. What can you do? Let's get into our voicemails, though. It's brought to you by Miller Lite. Miller Lite sponsors the voicemail line. It's the way that we connect directly to our people like Zach.

Think about it, folks. You call the KFC radio hotline. You leave a voice message. We do your, we do the voicemail. You maybe start to get excited about it. You start to think, maybe you call back. Maybe you start to, your brain starts cooking. Like what else could I, what else could I ask them? How else could I get involved? And then maybe send an email or a direct message, and then all of a sudden you get involved. You might get a goddamn job here just by calling the voicemail line, and it's all because you want to talk to us, talk to your buddies, hang out with your friends, and any time you're doing that,

you've got to crack a Miller Lite to enjoy it while you are chopping it up, while you're debating, arguing, fighting, laughing, and that's what Miller Lite is the best beer for. They are so deep in it with fans and trying to connect directly to the people that they straight up are trolling fans. They trolled the whole world with their Cantena whole marketing scheme. Do we have one over here? I think it's out by the way.

Where is it? So when football kicked off, they set up a fake website that looked like you were found in a legal stream in order to watch the games. And then when you went to this website, which, by the way, is quite rude as someone who's

maybe used one or two before. Yeah, you get all excited that you've found it. And it's like, nope, it's all a joke. But it was all a website to promote the Cantena, which is a real can of Miller Lite with a digital TV antenna attached so that you can watch it with your friends. So when you're hanging out, maybe you're calling up, maybe you're arguing about porn stars and murderers while you watch the game

and you're kicking back with some Miller Lite and you're able to watch football because you've got the digital TV cantenna antenna. So you actually, you know, this is a cool, fun, promotional thing. One day we're going to have to drink the can of beer, you know? That's going to be difficult for me. Yeah. Well, I might fit. My nose might go right through it.

I can't believe, you know, you can drink it in general. I know. Some people, like, twist the can. Really? Yeah. Oh, I've had it. If you've got such a schnoz know. Some people like twist the can. I don't. Really? Yeah. Oh, I've had it. If you've got such a schnoz that you got to turn the can. I went to high school with a kid who had to turn the can.

He'd be like, get out of here. He must have had a fucking beak. Who's got a bigger nose, you or Dave? I don't know. That's a good question. Yours like fits you, though. It doesn't stand out. No.

It's a good thing. Maybe it just means the rest of your face is huge now. Yeah. But I feel like it blends in. That's nice, I think. I think. I'm trying to be nice. It's a Roman nose, Kevin.

He always goes with the Roman nose. It's so fucking funny. One person ever told me that. But the fact that it's sort of a thing. I also got Roman nose, and then I've gotten, this one's happened a couple times, Sean Penn nose, which I can go with. Definitely. I've gotten this one's happened a couple of times. Sean Penn knows, which I can go with. Definitely. I don't know if that is like.

Let me see what his nose looks like. But you call me Sean Penn anything. Right. You give me like a movie star. Yeah. Yeah, sure. That's that. You know what? I'll tell you what.

Sean Penn has a Feidelberg nose. Okay? Anyway, back to Miller Lite. They got the Cantena right now. And so as much of kind of a goof and a joke and a troll this is, there's a very real sweepstakes where you can watch, you can enter for a chance to watch some real high-definition football on a beer.

It's by going to MillerLiteCantena.com to enter for a chance to watch some real high-definition football on a beer. It's by going to MillerLightCantena.com to enter for your chance to watch high-definition football on a beer. The competition has already started. It ends on October 12th. So you've got a little less than two weeks, and you must be a legal resident of the 50 U.S. states, 21 years of age or older. Cantenas are only available. I'm going to give you the letters. You tell me 50 U.S. states, 21 years of age or older. Cantatas are only available.

Ready? I'm going to give you the letters. You tell me the state. Okay. Cantatas are only available in residence of C.O. Colorado. D.C. District of Columbia.

F.L. Florida. I.D. Idaho. L.A. Louisiana. M.S. Mississippi.

N.E. Nebraska. Is it? What's Nevada? N.V. Mississippi. NE. Nebraska. Is it? What's Nevada? NV. Fuck, I've been saying, oh, NV. Nevada. NY.

New York. NC. North Carolina. SC. South Carolina. SD. South Dakota. I thought I was going to get you.

WI. Wyoming. Wisconsin. Yeah. Oh, I thought you said WI. I said WI. I said W-I. I heard W-Y. I wouldn't have said W-I is Wyoming.

That wouldn't make any sense. Well, that's why I thought you were dumb. W-I sounds like W-Y. They're very similar. You're right. That was good. That was good. You can get all 50 states without, like,

if I gave you the multiplication challenge, maybe not in a minute. maybe not a minute yeah you do them all in a minute no that's like one it's a little over a second per probably not what if i gave you 70 seconds maybe we'll do that i would say minute and a half for sure but 70 seconds would be close seven one minute's too much so give me 75 seconds take it or leave it that's it. I'll try it. And I will put a gun to your head. I will shoot your eyes. I'm not going to guarantee victory. I don't do that. Bulletin board material for the states. No, thank you. I don't want

these states revolting against me. I'll tell you what. But I think I could probably do pretty good. That's a good challenge. I mean, I struggle every time we do that. You did not. Anyway, official rules are at MillerLite, L-I-T-E, Cantana.com for entry instructions, prizes, restrictions, etc. Void where prohibited.

Voicemails. Let's go, Nicholas. Hello, KFC Radio. Got a quick hypothetical for you. Let's say you have a magic TV that lets you view any point in time, kind of like a Googler, kind of like a fly in the wall, to any point of time, any kind of situation, any place inside any house or field, are you choosing the option of going and seeing

the past or the option of only going and seeing the future? We kind of do this question. That's where you want to live? I'd want to see. I think there's a better question in here. If you could have a TV that could just

watch any moment in time, what would it be? Forget about I think there's a better question in here that's like, if you could have a TV that could just, that could just, you could watch any, any moment in time, what would it be? Forget about like, would it be the past? Would it be the future? Like what specifically would you want to watch?

I think it's the more interesting question. What? I see. I say like battles, but I'm a pussy. So I don't want to watch those. I would, I would like to,

I don't want to watch like the people dying, but I would love to maybe see, give me a little BTS on the Battle of Gettysburg or something. Like the meetings in the tents beforehand? Yeah, like that. But I don't even know. But that picture and some of the folklore that surrounds Obama when he was in the war room when they were going to get bin Laden, it was so cool. Because he's in his war room when they were going to get bin Laden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so cool. Because he's in his regular gear because he got called in, right?

It was at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Right. And I knew it was happening before we even went out. Right. So that would probably be pretty sick to be like. Can you imagine that? You got to put on a smile and we're going to kiss babies and shake hands. And the whole while you're leaning over to your guy being like, how's that thing going?

How's that thing going? So that always got me going so i'm like what else you know what else in history has happened on that level so oh i got a good one what about that level patriots 28 to 3 come back halftime half the halftime speech yeah come on edelman right around being like it's going to be a great story anyway but what about what but what about, what was the circumstances for Miracle on Ice? Did they, like, win, like, was it a comeback, or did they win, like, wire to wire? It was wire to wire. Well, no, it wasn't wire to wire to win.

Russia went up, or USSR went up 1-0, and then... Then from here on out, we just beat them. And then I think it was, we made it 2-1, or maybe 3-1, they made it 3-2. I feel like the final was 4-2. I don't know for sure. So there was some back and forth, though. Yeah, you know, it was a good... So, like, that's or maybe 3-1. They made it 3-2. I feel like the final was 4-2. I don't know for sure. So there was some back and forth. Yeah, you know, it was a good –

So, like, that's a good – No, no, it might have been 3-2. Because, like, Russia – USSR had a chance to, like – I think I was saying it when I was doing the – lowering the bar, which is out today, where I was like – I was like Herb Brooks looking over at the other bench going, like, he doesn't know what to do. Right, right.

Because he didn't even know to pull his goalie. Because he didn't even think about having an extra man. Because they've never even had to do it. Never had to deal with it. So he panicked and the USSR never pulled their goalie. Never got an extra attacker on the ice. So you think that there was like a second intermission speech from Herb Brooks that was first, second, maybe pregame or postgame?

Like the postgame, Selly must have been dope. My favorite one is the pregame before, because that wasn't for the gold medal. Right, right. The pregame before Finland. Sweden beat Finland. And he just didn't give a speech. And he walked out. And as he's like at the door, he turns around and just goes,

if you don't win this game, you're going to take it to your fucking graves. And then he grabs the door, looks back and goes, your fucking graves. That's like confirmed that that was real. It wasn't like a theatrical. No, because it was a Disney movie. So that wasn't even in the movie. Right. That's what I mean.

You know, that would be a good one. That would be that would be up there. I mean, there are a million different. Even just a Herb Brooks practice because he has they call them Herbie is where he just has like ridiculous things. He says, like, there are a million different, like, even just a Herb Brooks practice, because he has, they call them Herbie-isms, where he just has, like, ridiculous things he says when, like, you know, you're not playing well. He's like, you guys look like a monkey trying to hump a football out there. And there's a ton in general, though, like, sports speeches. Like, I'd love to be a fly on the wall for, you know, that.

Even sometimes it's not good. Like, I'd love to see what happened in the Celtics' locker room this past, or the Clippers' locker room. Like, I do. Oh, you know in the Celtics locker room this past or the Clippers locker room. Like, yeah, I do. Oh, you know,

what's a good one. Bob Costas told the story. He was in the socks locker room in game six of the 86 series. And they had the champagne and they had it all taped up. And he was like, you know, waiting. Cause it was the,

you know, the ninth inning. So he was like ready to do these hits. And then I think he like, couldn't like, he didn't get out in time or something like that where he was, like, trapped in there. And he was just, like, sitting in the corner, like, kind of like, bah. Bro, I would get, I would just get. Whatever it is. I'd walk right across the middle of the locker room, like, my bad.

See you later. I think that's how the story goes. It was something very dramatic where, like, those guys must have been fucking suicidal, homidal he's like you didn't get killed like sorry we got to kill you bob um but i think um wars are interesting like big moments you know as sick as it is like some of the negative stuff if you were you know what was it like when george bush got the word about 9-11 or something like that or what about when kennedy got assassinated like you know the what was it like when George Bush got the word about 9-11 or something like that? Or what about when Kennedy got assassinated? Like, you know, the first when you made that call to someone's room, whatever. That's a great question.

I'd like to be in your family's room when they're having the interventions without you. Listen, that fateful night would have been, you know, an interesting episode of TV for sure. What do you think? What's your final answer, though? I honestly think my final answer might be 28-3. I think that's... If I could watch...

Sports is cool, but don't you think there's a more important moment that you would want to... Sure. I don't care. There's definitely more important moments. I'm not saying it's the most important moment ever. But to me, personally, it's fucking up there. If the Pats lose that game, everything's wrong. There's so more important moments. I'm not saying it's the most important moment ever, but to me personally, it's fucking up there. If the Pats lose that game, everything's wrong. There's so much that...

God, it would have changed. Actually, I believe that the Pete Carroll moment was more pivotal. No, it absolutely was. That would have stopped the reboot of the dynasty, I think. It was more pivotal, but I don't think it meant as much. Because this was the deflating year. This was Brady started the season, I think. It was more pivotal, but I don't think it meant as much. Because this was the deflating year. This was Brady's start of the season, four games suspended, where he went on vacation

to Italy, which is the most baller move of all time. Just chilling for four weeks. When TMZ dropped that pick at him just slapping Gisele's ass in fucking Capri, while the bats are going three and one, I think they went, is just fucking baller shit fucking he was like

he was like thank you yeah like thanks for the suspension yeah i could use i'd love to be suspended right now and it's like okay like i know i'm coming back and it'll be fine and then just like oh it's the end i mean you see all like that i read the oral history recently um because 23 or p girl yeah no 23 i don't know why it was in The Athletic, but it was like, Jeff Howe... You love The Athletic. I read... The Athletic has great stories. Yeah. And it was Jeff Howe who was the Pats beat writer at the time. He still is, but just for The Athletic, but he was the Pats beat writer for The Herald,

I think. And then, I forget whoever the Falcons beat guy was. And they were both sharing... Because, like, you, on a deadline on Super Bowl, like, you have to have your story turned in, like, by, I don't know, an hour after game time game time right and so they have or Jeff Howdy the Atlanta writer deleted his oh you can't do that whatever it was yeah and then he's just like oh yeah like this is where it ends this is how it ends this is how it dies right and it's like it was I think

the globe has the wait you're they're saying that for 28-3? Yeah. I feel like, again, the Seahawks one would, I think, have been more... Because then you're like, that's a long drought. But that's the difference between, like, that game. That game was so close. I think it was always like a one, maybe a ten-point game. Right. And it felt insurmountable against that Seahawks defense. But it was always fairly close.

It wasn't a blowout. It was definitely like Brady put together his greatest fourth quarter ever, and he had two touchdowns, like fucking, I think, 240 yards, something like that. He put together a monster fourth quarter and needed it. 240 in the fourth? I'm going to check right now. Jesus.

Brady's fourth quarter against the Seahawks is like. I mean, anything in the twos is banana town. I think it's considered the greatest fourth quarter of all time. I would certainly have to imagine. It's tough to imagine anything better than that. That is – because I always thought with the Seahawks, it was kind of like – Oh, no, I was wrong. Okay, 13-15, 124, two touchdowns.

Okay, yeah. That's still a monster. But if you do 200, that would be on pace for an 800-yard game. But the Seahawks to me would have been like they – 86 points every second. What up? They like, you know, that would have maybe not been the end of it, but you'd think like, I don't know, we like – we just can't get back.

We just can't get back over the hump, you know. We need to like – But the blowout is like – Yeah, that would have been embarrassing. Even the image of Brady like – Sitting. No, that was – Oh, that was head on the pick. No, that was everyone. Oh, that was head.

Pick six. He's like, face down. Yes. And it's like, that's the end of it. And it was just incredible. I mean, it's the greatest comeback of all time. Yeah. Which it wasn't listed, by the way, which is bullshit.

What does that mean? ESPN just did their top 100 comebacks of all time. That was three. Who would be? I didn't even follow up one That was three. I didn't even follow them up one and two anymore. I'm guessing they must have gone series, like Sox-Yakies or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But individual games.

Even, yeah, I mean, down 3-0 is, I guess, a little more. I mean, neither of them had ever happened before. Well, I still would give it to breaking the curse was a sports story, you know, like a culture story. And it happened with the Yankees. I could give the edge to that. I'd make the argument that's one of the worst things that ever happened to baseball. The curse getting broken.

Why? I just think that, like, and it's probably more personal. More fun. Where it's just like I haven't cared as much since then. There have been times. But, like, before the curse got broken the even after the the patriots are two-time three-time super bowl champions at this point and even before the curse got broken like a socks raise game would outrate pat's game right it's still very much it was like the humongous it was like it was huge and then people are like we we got like, nothing will ever be.

4, 7, 11, 13. No, 5. No, we didn't win 11. The Bruins were 11. 4, 7, 13, 18. Yeah. But you think it's just like, there's nothing that will compare to that. So why even bother?

I think there's a part of that where it's just like, you'll never feel that high ever again. Jared says that about 18 for him personally. Because he said like his grandfather was involved and his grandfather passed away and he went through like you know his career and all that shit and so he's like and then he went to the parade and the duck boats so he's like that's it for me and it's an interesting feeling i i hope to feel it one day i'd love to be a part of it there is a negative aspect to all the winning. And it is. I know you hate this.

But it is true. There is a part of it where it's just like. There's part of it where it's addicting. I need to keep getting this winning. But it's also a part of it where it's like. I'm never going to get that first win again. The Patriots are the only one I think. Patriots and Bruins are the only ones where.

The Patriots because they put together such a run. Where it's like everyone is just another hit. And the Bruins are just like the connection. The Red Sox I have, I will admit, I have lost a bit of my passion for it because it's just like, it was such a drought. And then something of a monsoon, monsoon is not quite the right word,

but a rainstorm of championships. And it's like, all right, I don't know. We did it. You done? I done yeah next voicemail yo it's a perfect monday okay the weather is hitting fucking perfect right now dude my nips are fucking on fire the leaves are changing what the sun is hitting just right am i delusional for when this happens What? What? What? a bunch of cigarettes and enjoy the weather outside. Let me know if I'm a fucking idiot or what. What? Hang on.

By the way, before we get to this, I have all Brady's fourth quarters open. Oh, great. Let's do that, John. Brady, the 28-3 game, his fourth quarter. 21 of 26 for 246. I mean, that's a great game. One touchdown. 21 of 26 for 246. I mean, that's a great game. One touchdown. 21 of 26 for 246 and a touchdown.

All of his fourth quarters combined, which is, let's see, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. So nine fourth quarters, he has, so I guess it's two games, right? 85 of 129, 921 yards, 7 yards per attempt, 6 touchdowns, 2 interceptions, 95.8 passer rating. Partridge in a fucking pear tree. His fourth quarter stats at the Super Bowl. Back to the nipple guy.

Projected. If you use just the fourth quarter to make all four to a game, he's going for 398 yards and three touchdowns and no picks every game. That was funny. That was a funny laugh. That was comedic timing, folks. That was funny. Anyway, what the fuck are you buying cigarettes?

I get it, kind of. I get smoking in the cold. It's like a little fire to keep you warm. But it's not. Yeah, but it's like he's talking about, it was probably like 65 when he was talking about it. Well, he could have been calling from WI, Wyoming. And his nips were on fire?

I think he's just horny. I get that, too. This guy's all over the place. I get that, Wyoming. And his nips were on fire? I think he's just horny. I get that, too. This guy's all over the place. I get that, too. Yo, when I step outside and it's cold, I get horny as shit. You don't? No. Bro, I stepped out on my balcony today, and I was like, I gotta fuck.

What? Yeah. Because of the weather? Oh, yeah, baby. Big time. Big time. That's some fucking that's some fucking like caveman shit like oh time to hibernate i don't think it is oh big time i think you've made this

up no no no it's factual look it up i i'm gonna look it up let me say like you don't have to just cold does is cold in aphrodisia how about his weather in aphrodisiac yes oh yeah i've been on this i i think well yeah uh is the weather i like i think like when i'm hot i don't want to do anything i just want to fucking lay on a bed like spread eagle and fucking not touch anyone or anything i feel that and when it's cold you want to when i'm cold i want to fucking cuddle up and fuck. I'm not even going to tell you how I attempted to spell aphrodisiac. That was bad. A-P-H-R-O-D-I-S-A-I-C. I-A-C. I-A-C.

Son of a bitch. Jackie fucking flexed on me. Mannequin girl over there. Mannequin. M-A-N-I-K-I-N. But it's right, right? Apparently, there's some sort of alternate spelling of mannequin, which makes much more sense than, I guess,

I would guess that's the French way. Mannequin. Mannequin. Why do we spell it like that? Aphrodisiacs. No, no, no. I bet you it's going to be the opposite of what you're thinking. I bet you summertime is going to be like,

it was a nice summer night and we went to fuck. No, a summer night with cool breeze, maybe. Three ways hot weather leads to good sex. No. I'm going to read that. Rain equals sex. The weather for 20 toes. I don't know what that means.

But I can see a thunderstorm and you get cuddled up. Right, that's what the cold is. Cold is just a constant thunderstorm. You got to cuddle up and get inside. All of this, I just Googled, is the weather in aphrodisiac. It's all rain. Rainy weather and sex. Rain as an aphrodisiac? It's all rain. Rainy weather and sex. Rain as an aphrodisiac.

Rain equals sex. That makes sense. I get that. And guess what? Rain brings cooler air. Oh, fuck you. Yeah. You know when it's hot, you're like, oh, it's going to break finally because it's going to rain.

Let's read this. This is the one. Seven reasons why fall sex is the best sex. Let's do these. Number one, it's leather weather. Leather weather. Jesus Christ. People getting slapped?

I think they're wearing leather. Yeah, I know. In my experience, when someone's wearing leather, they're beating someone up. You're white, you're Ben Affleck. You wear leather, you're violent. They don't give much color on this. It's men in leather jackets at bars, and it's women in leather outfits in bedrooms. They're always hitting someone.

This just says you're gifted a second skin that acts as the ultimate everything. Number two, there's more clothes to take off. So you're just peeling off the jacket, then the hoodie, then the undershirt. I've abandoned the peeling off. Meaning what? You just fuck with the clothes on? Everyone gets your own clothes. Everyone gets...

Oh, you take off your clothes. You deal with your clothes. Yeah, yeah. I'm with you on that. Sometimes if we get down to the underpants, I'll fucking... I'll do underpants. But I'm not doing fucking buckles and felt... Girls have too many accessories.

I haven't taken off the underpants in maybe the last year I've had sex. My underpants are off. Hers are on at all times. Pulled to the side? Always. Really? Almost exclusively. The last time I tried to take clothes off anybody was, I was trying to take, I don't

know, a fucking low ankle heel off a girl and okay and that's the thing the thing yeah and i didn't realize it was a zipper so i was just like tugging on it twisting and she's like give it to the ken shamrock ankle lock actually i'll get it and from then on i was like i'm done with the hidden fucking contraptions especially like uh you know if you got like jeans like tight jeans it's a process we almost got to do like the you unfold them over the you know what i mean you don't pull it's like oh they turn inside out yeah you're or or you're doing like yoga pants which are like you know stretchy and elastic she's got like a fat ass you're trying to pull them off over that thing and then forget about it if there's like if you're in like a a dress or something with zippers and straps and the like it's like you you put it on you take it

off yeah and especially you know where all the fucking hooks and levers are yeah yeah and so i actually i would actually levers levers sounds silly levers sounds like something you fucking like fucking what like i don't know let'll just leave that there's a torture someone with like we are very violent when you're when you're in the rack like you pull a lever yeah i could feel that i get that um i think almost the opposite of what this though like if i've got a if i've got a jacket and a sweatshirt and this and that it's like my dick might not even be hard by the time we get all this off fuck Fuck. Number three, testosterone levels rise with cooler weather. So that's what you're talking about.

Studies have shown that testosterone levels peak around October and November, which puts men and women into sexual overdrive. So like it or not, your body's going to crave the false sex. I mean, I just nailed that. Nailed it. How about this? I go outside in October, get horny. The October horny. That's just the way it is. I'm sad and. Get horny. The October horny.

That's just the way it is. I'm sad and I'm horny. I might cry after sex, but I still want to have it. Cry during sex. Four, fall activities put you in the mood. You guys love all that shit. Five, warm drinks inspire warm feelings. This is straight sad boy season

yep number six getting scared out of your mind is good foreplay we were just talking about this the other day right

during Friday Night Pints were you a part of that like Vibs said he always watched he always got handjobs to horror movies and I think people got I never got a handjob

to a movie people got all upset about that those after school specials lied to me about those things I was not you've never had sex to a movie. People got all upset about that. Those after-school specials lied to me about those things. I was not. You've never had sex during a movie?

Oh, I mean, I've had sex during a movie, but not like, he was saying he did it when he was young, like that was his move. Not when I was young, no. I get that. I mean, I totally understand the horror movie and you like, come close, move my arm around you, whatever. Kind of cliche, but I feel like it's a real thing. I guess, but I don't know, man. if I just see fucking

Freddy Krueger the movie itself doesn't put you in the mood I just saw him get in your guts I don't want to do it anymore but there is usually an element of like in Friday the 13th when they're like I'll rearrange your guts oh my god

one of the worst viral videos I've ever seen and it's like I think it was a. You ever seen one of the worst viral videos I've ever seen? And it's like, I think it was a girl tweeted it. And it was a fucking wolf or hyena eating an alive deer. And he was just like, eating away at its stomach. And it's like, and a girl tweeted it. It's like, when he says he's rearranging your guts, but he's not even close. Because the deer is completely disinterested with being eaten. It is just like laying there.

This is a nuisance. You're bothersome. Get your food and get the fuck out of here. I know this is it for me, but I'm not even going to bother getting excited about this. It's one of the most awful videos I've ever seen. I was going to say, this sounds horrendous. No, it's not. Well, speaking of, okay, last one here.

Number seven. Watching nature wither and die can inspire you to indulge. I get that. Sorry to get all existential on you, but watching the leaves turn and fall to the ground is the ultimate reminder of how transient life is. With that timeline in mind, there's no time like the present to squeeze every drop of pleasure you can out of life. After all, winter is coming, and you should be too. I get that.

Shout out to... Like, what up, baby? You see those leaves are dying? Kristen Soley wrote this. You see those leaves die? Let's do anal. Look at that leaf go Baby that's just

Life is so Let's just live for tonight Tomorrow night we could be that leaf Just blowing down 14th street Right into the gutter And that rotten pumpkin Looking after us Let's just have it tonight

Tonight's the night You might die. Anyway, how about a handjob while Freddie beheads this woman? KFC Chicken Wings, Sad Boy King, Nicholas, I have a predicament. I need to run through you guys because I need your expert

opinion. So my boss who is very eccentric, loud sometimes a noctious person he'll come to me. He also works construction. I'm just going to leave that one there for you guys. Imagination kind of piece this one together. Um, he comes to me and he continuously tells me how I should be banging his

daughter. Who is relatively my age. She's only about three years younger than me. And, um, he was like, always, he's bringing up. Dude, I don't understand. Like, you guys are the same person. You guys are mixed well. And it's just like, pussy, bro.

And it just kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. So plot twist. I'm actually coming back from her house, like, right now. We've been hooking up, like, here and there, like, kind of in the shadows, like, not letting anyone know because of all the humiliation that we've received from them. And we just don't want to deal with that noise. That and, you know, I just don't know how mixing that with my professional life goes with my dating life. So my question is, is this something I keep poking at or do I just drop it and, you know, just no longer do it?

Do you fuck your daughter's boss your daughter's boss but he's you know he's encouraging you to do so that's an accident I mean that does change things ordinarily if it's just like hey should I fuck my daughter's boss I would be my daughter yeah my boss's

daughter I'm struggling I would stay away I probably would stay away period by the way but it does change things that like i think makes it worse why so how's that i don't know man if someone's into me i'm not into it and if someone's dad's into me i'm into it even less i think it is a little that sounds a little aggressive like if they like me i don't want it i only like it when they don't like me um but just like an outward showing of affection doesn't do it for me it's uh odd and off-putting and if like i just i just i i don't i'm so used

to not being liked that being liked makes me feel uncomfortable and so being like yo so broken you should fucking you should fuck my daughter because i like you that's what's crazy is that's just weird he is characterizing it as like i don't know if that was his words or his boss's words like it's just pussy man but it's one thing if you're like wait he said that i missed that part yeah he said that i don't know if the boss said that or if the boss said that run for the goddamn fuck yeah that's what i mean the way he's characterizing it he's gonna get mad that his daughter's cheating on him with you. If he was like, I, you know, you're a really, like, nice guy, and I want my girl, my daughter to, like, find a great dude and, like.

But it sounds like he's just, like, setting them up to hook up, which is just like, what the fuck, man? I mean, any time you're your daughter's pimp, it's weird. So weird. Doesn't matter if you're her pimp of love or her pimp of... Yeah, like, leave that for moms. It's just dick, bro. Leave that for friends, because, like... Don't even leave it for moms.

There should be an inherent... If we share DNA, stay out of my business. There's got to be an inherent, like, feeling when you're the dad of, like, I don't want my daughter with anybody. Like, you know, I want my daughter to, like, sit at home with me. Because... Well, I don't want that either. That's...

Get the fuck out of here. You're annoying as shit. Trying to sit at home with me. I don't want that either. Get the fuck out of here. You're annoying as shit. Trying to watch the Cubs game. It's just, I don't know, man. It's just like, if you tell me I'm going to like someone, I'm going to dislike that person. It's just a principle. I just don't like being told what to do.

I'm an asshole asshole and if you're like yo you're gonna love this person i'm gonna go out of my way bet i bet i won't i hate this bet i will not do that i also i promise you that my dreams tonight i'll murder this person something happens after like four o'clock to John. It's like gremlins after midnight. Don't feed them or something. You get a lip in at 4 p.m. and you just try to let them fly. Maybe that's what it is.

Put it in. Maybe you get a lip. It is because it is a depressant. No, it's an accelerant. I forget. Yeah, it was a tragedy. Question. You are on another one.

I think the problem with getting set up is that it never – it's like this guy is like, yeah, yeah, you guys will work out. You guys will get along. And it's like, but if we don't – you like me right now. But when we have to break up or when your daughter is heartbroken over me, you're not going to like me. And you're not going to be like, hey, that's just what happens. The inherent dad in you is going to gonna like me and you're not gonna be like hey like that's just what happens the inherent like dad in you is gonna be like fuck you right you know so even if you think it's a good

idea now i know where this could potentially go and we'll probably go and then we're fucked and it's too much pressure to put on the person setting you up yeah like now i got because like now i can't i can't break up with her i can't right i can't be honest i can't be real like hey we tried it didn't work but you're gonna be mad at me the or my my job is fucked it's it's just just fuck hoes on dating apps whatever i i have a a comp not a comparable situation but i have a situation right now where a friend is dating a family member and i've told both of them exclusively or seeing a fuck away from me i've told them both exclusively i don't give a fuck what happens i'm still gonna be friends with both of you i don't give a fuck if you go on your way and murder that person's family right i'm do you you came into

this my friends right whatever you two do to each other none of my fucking business you can't be mad at me for talking to him or her or still seeing them or whatever what's happening yep yeah and if i i guess if you tell the dad tells them that well then you got a little different story you're like okay what happens he's my good employee. You're my daughter, I guess. Yes, but I also sometimes I just think it's like, well, you in your head have concocted how this is going to go. What if your daughter, it's like, oh, hey, it didn't work out. All right, whatever. He's still my employee.

What if your daughter comes to you weeping and is like, he's such an asshole because blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, well, I didn't know you were going to do that or I didn't think she was going to cry like that so now I can't you know it's just not you can't predict the future so don't fuck with it you also can't do it with professionals you know professional me personal me quite different

very different and also the professional you doesn't have enough of you're talking about a family member and a friend there's people that you have love for we're just a boss and an employee. Also, it seems like we're talking a foreman and a construction worker. Yeah. And also the way he characterized that was like maybe like, you know, he's into some fucking dirty shit.

Like he's a I work in construction. I move rocks. So now it sounds like you're fucking with some guy who's like mob related. I'll just leave that there. If you're ever saying like, so this guy sent me up with his daughter. Anyway, he does this. I'll just leave that there. If you're ever saying like, so this guy sent me up with his daughter. Anyway, he does this. I'll just leave that there. Not a good sign. Not interested. Even if he just does

straight construction, an angry fella. Yeah, with like hammers and stuff. In my experience, angry people. They get up early in the morning. Gotta be in a bad mood. They're drinking. They got hammers and tools. They'll beat you up. They got rough hands. Anyone who gets up before 5 a.m., don't

ever date their daughter. It's a good rule. Because, first of all, they're angry. They're gonna be pissed all the time. Second of all, if you ever sleep over their house or something like that, they're fucking hitting you with that, oh, look who's just getting up shit. Half day or whatever. I've been up all day. I already mowed the lawn. It worked out. And fucking read the paper

because I'm archaic. And I fucking talk like this. I went out to the fucking market. I already mowed the lawn. It worked out. I fucking read the paper because I'm archaic and I fucking talk like this. I went out to the fucking market. I did all these chores. I'm like, alright, well you're going to take a nap at noon, you motherfucker. I'm going to be up until... I'll be still at work. I'll be up fucking your daughter until 3am. Yeah, you'll be banging his daughter out while he wakes up for the morning.

Come on. I mean, look how long this conversation we just had about it is. See how complicated that is? Just go find someone else. Find someone else. Fuck off. All right, let's get into our interview today. It's featuring Eliza Schlesinger. She's back promoting her tour.

She's out here on the road doing, like, the drive-ins. And, you know, she's on top of the game right now. So Eliza's back at it. It's brought to you by Sad Boy Season. The hoodies are out. T-shirts, the whole nine. We've got the official Sad Boys Season. We've got, what, Drunk on Solitude.

Drunk on Solitude's a sick one. Drunk on Solitude's great. If I had to order my favorite three, and we have many more coming, but if I had to order my favorite three right now, it's one Sad Boys Season original, two Drunk on Solitude, three Dark Bar Dark Liquor. Dark Bar Dark Liquor is great. And all sketches brought to you by you

know yours truly john feidelberg the artiste you can have an original john henry doodle and one day when he's dead that's gonna be like your van gogh you should kill yourself now okay and then we'll sell a bunch of these yeah then you have to give him a reason but that you know van gogh is dead all of a sudden he's like the best artist of all. When John's dead, and you can be like, this is his sketch, I probably got the original laying around somewhere on his desk. You do, actually. It's definitely on my desk somewhere. We should frame that.

Do you have that? I'm pretty sure I do. And if not, just draw another one. We'll pretend. Just get a napkin out, draw it on the back of a receipt, and say, hey, inspiration struck me at the bar that one night. We'll come up with a whole fucking story. We'll frame it, and when you're dead, I'll sell that too.

I'm going to profit the fuck off your death. You should. That's smart. Eliza, let's talk to her. Hey, guys. What's up, girl? How are you? What up? How you doing? Driving. Good. How are you? Are you in, like, an office? I am. I'm in my office

with my assistant in the back you got like a little operation going there huh i have a real house with a real office and a yard and everything look at you i'm a real suburban dweller you're just like busy as shit though i'm so busy yeah it's crazy we got you know a little like one sheet. It's probably not even one sheet. It's probably multiple sheets of just like everything you're doing and whatnot. And it's like, God damn, that's a lot of work. But also like most of it won't actually happen. Like it's a lot of work, but like it'll be nothing,

which is why you have to do so much work. I know. It's like let's do 10 things and hopefully two of them like hit and make it to air and are successful and all that. Right. Make it to air is like the dream. Like, oh, my God. I don't even aim for make it to air.

I'm aimed for have the meeting not get pushed. Well, you dropped you dropped the the skit show on that was during quarantine. Right. Was that April? It's like right before, like right when it started to hit quarantine. Really? Right. Yes.

It came out right then. I timed it. I was like, I know the country is going to go into a shutdown mode. There's going to be a pandemic. Let's show that. Yeah, I mean, it is. There is a little, you know, if you want to try to find some silver lining for everything, that's a catastrophe.

It is that that there was, you know, this desperate desire to watch and distract and all that. And I feel like any comics who had a special or in your case a show come out and maybe it's a little corny or over dramatic but it is it was like important i think for people to like have something to watch in those moments and like you were right there with it yeah i mean the the show this is not really like plugging it but just speaking to that that we started we my husband and I decided to do like a cooking show called don't panic pantry. And we started it specifically.

I don't have a passion for cooking, but you know, I like to connect with people and just to have something that we could work on and that people could consume and give people something to look forward to every day or fans something to look forward to. And it became like an appointment viewing thing. And especially as as a comic like you are providing a service for people um not that we're up there with like doctors but like no you know your show is an example like people they know that you guys will be there in your studio and they can tune in there's something comforting to that no what's her name like jin fu or something that there she is the terrified the suspicious chinese dog

the suspicious chinese did you ever run into a point with the cooking show where you were like ah shit we shouldn't have started this because it ended up being like like almost like so much work on a daily basis during the pandemic my husband is the one that does like the work like he actually writes the recipes so people can follow along and there definitely been days where you know you're rushing around you're doing stuff you're like fuck we've got to stop and go make a bundt cake um but but i guess i'm i guess i'm more grateful that people do tune in and you know all the sponsors and stuff like we got because i just cold email people. And I was like, I'm a Schlesinger myself. I reached out to Instagram. I got their PR person and then we sent and we made up a business model and we're going to like our fourth round of sponsors. So

it's, it's a cottage industry. Do you want to, uh, do that for our show? Want to help us out? Honestly, I've, i've sometimes i've felt that um like i mean our sales team is great they do great work but i feel like if you know you if it's coming from you or the person doing it i would be more inclined to you know throw my money behind something like maybe i should do this shit i think also in this pandemic like people have forgotten about like a person-to-person connection and what's fascinating about these sponsors you know my husband will be Also in this pandemic, like people have forgotten about like a person to person connection. And what's fascinating about these sponsors, you know, my husband will be like, here are all the brands that would be great to work with or ones that he's used. So I emailed their PR department and you forget that PR is usually like 25 year old white women. And that's my demographic.

And you get like from a salt company in Michigan, like, oh my God, party goblin. And you're like, anyway, I need your salt. I feel like that demo you must just have on fucking lock, huh? I mean, I feel like girls go bananas for you. Girls, girls go wild. Really? It's always fun to see in your crowd, you know, like, of course, there's always people who

look like you that are going to be your fans but then you know i get dudes who look like you and you get like a lot of like handsome conservative great looking super like blindingly handsome radio personalities it's always never underestimate who's in your audience because every once in a while you get someone you're like you're a fan they're like totally like a Kenyan you know chef or something you're just like okay I'll take it I love uh Reno and then we'll get uh we do like a live podcast show here and there but uh we usually get girlfriends who we actually do have like we're kind of like almost 50 50 with guys girls but we usually will have a girlfriend who's been dragged by a boyfriend and then they end up liking the show and that is like my number one that's like the only time really i'm proud of what we do where they're like i didn't they're very honest and

blunt or i'm almost like well that was offensive but they're like i didn't want to come i didn't think this was going to be good yeah right and then they do like it i'm like well fuck you for how you started but like thanks and i'm happy you enjoyed it i am so glad you said that because people expect and i always thought it was just a comic thing but i guess it's like an entertainer thing people say these like kind of horrible things that are like thinly veiled and then you're like oh i know you meant well so i'm not gonna be mean to you i get all the time like my girlfriend made me i have made me watch her special. I'm like, was it that difficult?

Like beyond like the first three seconds? And he's like, and then I became a fan. And I'm like, let's try to remove the whole forceful part of that from the conversation. She tied me up. She pinned my eyeballs open and forced me to watch. It was like, yeah, it was like clockwork orange. But hey, now I'm a fan it's like getting like oh i'd seen you online like i didn't expect you to be like tall yeah well i you know

that's what i get i get people say they didn't expect me to be tall from listening to the podcast and like is my self-confidence that low in my voice that you're like whoa this guy's kind of tall that's i figured you were like a little person, dude. Yeah, like this guy sounds sad and short. That's what I listen for. But to answer your question, yes, John. Yeah, you do. You sound really short. I always get the opposite.

People are always – when they meet me in person, they're always disappointed that I'm not as tall as I seem on TV, which is three inches. I always think I'll be taller. What is that? It's such a weird – the height thing. on TV, which is three inches. I always think I'll be taller. What is that? It's such a weird, the height thing. It's funny to hear that it happens to you too.

We get that a lot at Barstool. Maybe it's because a guy thing. I don't know. People always, maybe a macho thing or whatever. We have a bizarrely tall company where like many guys are like six, two and up. But people are always really like, it's like a fixation of barstool fans who's tall who's not who's taller than who but that's how the world is now with like with like tinder like oh if you're not if you're not over six feet don't swipe right or whatever it is well i i also understand like these girls like did you grow up in the netherlands where like

the average guy is like eight feet tall like where do you get off like you're a fry cook like where do you get off making all these demands for what like he's got to treat me like a princess and he's got to have one blue eye one brown eye like a like a husky what about you like of course everybody wants to feel protection and that's where that comes from genetically I also think listen to someone especially at a like a place like bar protection and that's where that comes from genetically i also think listen to someone especially at a like a place like barstool that's very macho and there's a lot of alphas and a lot of sports talk you associate it with athletes so you're like these dudes also must be athletes and athletically achieved we we did this uh we did a video probably like almost 10

years ago now uh when it was just like a handful of us and we did the NFL combine, which is like you do like the sprints and the drills. I know what a combine is. Yeah. Okay. I don't know. It's a weird word. I actually don't know what a combine is.

So fuck you. I only know it in the context of the NFL draft. There's two kinds of combines. There's the NFL one one which is like secretly racist and then there's like the farm equipment which is also a combine all right well i didn't know that anyway i mean i i was i'm horrendous i'm like the least athletic person in the world my body is broken and so i i couldn't run sprints fast and it like literally definitely impacted my career where people were like you know prior to that they were like reading my shit and liking it and laughing and kind of listening to like my sports takes and criticisms at times.

And then they were like, you know, you can't run around those cones. So like, I'm not reading what you have to say. I mean, what the what the fuck, man? Like, I'm not an actual NFL player. It shouldn't really matter. But it did I expect my critics to be excellent at the thing that they criticize because all comedy critics are great stand-ups right what the fuck are you talking about it would be that exact same thing if someone got on stage and bombed

and it's like well now you can't even talk about the the genre at all anymore that's but I guess I guess that's you know how it goes right no this has affected you but I would also be willing to bet it's not everyone. It was like three people who said he can't run around cones, and you're like, because it hurts. It is the way, right? We literally had this conversation like 10 minutes ago. It was like really had that almost the exact same thing. It's not a lot of people, but it significantly impacts you.

The fucking – the analogy I always use with it is when you're plugging in the usb cord and everyone's always like i never get it right the first try you get it right 50 of the time you just remember the wrong times more always remember the bad you always remember the bad growing up so my parents were divorced and i remember telling my mom one time i was like dad always gets an amazing parking spot and she was like no he doesn't he just makes a big deal about it when he does so you think he always gets an amazing parking spot. And she was like, no, he doesn't. He just makes a big deal about it when he does. So you think he always gets an amazing parking spot. And I was like, yeah, there's no power that my dad has in like, Stine's deli parking lot that he's always getting the front, like,

Oh man. I'm sure your mom was like, fuck this. Now I got a, now there's a parking cup. I get good parking. Mommy gets good parking too. Watch this. Now I got a parking competition. I get good parking. Mommy gets good parking too. Watch this. And so as a result of it, I'm an excellent driver. Like I am an, I am an, uh, an offensive driver. I, I really think I could do precision driving. I'm always talking about what a good driver I am. And because of it, like a little bit of a mental game, I've independently had people in my life say to me, well, cause you're a great driver. I'm like, there's no reason I talk about it. We got, we got a guy here who just runs around telling people that other people say he looks like

Dave Franco. Is it? Yeah. So he just says, yeah, a lot of people tell me that. And nobody has ever said it except for him. And it's starting to work. He's like incepting our brain. Like, yeah, you look like Dave Franco, dude. Power of suggestion. It's scary. I mean, you're seeing it in politics. I guess it's always been the way, but more so now than ever, where it's just like, say whatever you want and keep saying it until people believe it.

And it'll fucking work. It's all dumb people out there. Yeah, until people start tapping children for adrenochrome and hiding them in Wayfair cabinets. Yeah, just keep. I don't know if you wanted that. Oh, yeah. You want to talk about the Wayfair? We can do it, man.

You know what the problem with that is? So I just moved into an apartment with my girlfriend. And she was like, we're getting furniture and stuff like that and she's like, is it bad if we get stuff from Wayfair? And I was like, what are you talking about? Why would it be bad? And she's like, well, they were like kidnapping kids. I was like, that was a conspiracy theory.

You know that, right? She's like, oh, I didn't know. I was like, we didn't even know. You think Wayfair's just continuing to operate at a normal level when they were accused and apparently convicted, in your your mind of kidnapping children and selling them for $50,000 plus a photo album? Is there any – Which is a pretty good deal. They're still operating.

It's fine. Yeah. For human life, they're still – I mean it kind of went away, and I am not a tinfoil hat wearing weirdo, and I don't go on QAnon, although I did do a deep dive on it. Cause I was like, I got to get a grip on this. Really? What was that like? Well, no, I didn't like, I just, you know, you're like, what is Q like just going into figuring out what it is that everybody's doing just from an observation point.

But the Wayfair stuff, I did a deep dive on that and I came out convinced. I was like, this all matches up. I didn't take it beyond that like we're talking like an hour and a half and then whatever but it went away an hour and a half i mean shit just want to do my research yeah uh and then it's weird because you you're like okay you bring it up on stage and most people are like i don't know it's like a it's a deep cut it's a venn diagram that doesn't have a lot of overlap, like conspiracy theories about a furniture company and stand up like three people in the crowd. And if they laugh too hard, you're like, did you order from them?

You are a human trafficker. No doubt. I get down with the conspiracy theory world a little bit. I find it a little bit. A lot of bit. Kevin. But I mean, I don't like really believe I think I find them to be more entertaining. Yeah, but I do like I do believe that, you know, shit's going on that that you don't know about that we don't know about.

And so I think it's a little naive to think that like it's totally silly. I'm somewhere in the middle, but I don't discount that like billionaires are doing weird shit and politics and politicians are, you know, bad people and all that kind of shit. Who wouldn't? If you had all the money in the world and no one telling you, let's look at it on a micro level before we blow it up to a macro, okay? You're the director of like a theater company and like young girls are throwing themselves at you. You're like, I'm going to fuck every single one of these girls. No one's going to say anything. You think that that doesn't exponentially get worse when people have more money and private

planes? For sure. People at all levels. And this is not a Hollywood thing. I think every industry, they're like, oh, why is this only happening in Hollywood? Politicians are fucking young kids. If you're, I don't know, a bottle making magnet, you're probably fucking people at your factory. Like at every level in every industry, people are abusing the people beneath them because absolute power corrupts absolutely. So for sure, there is some truth to this. And a lot of people go through a lot of length

to cover it up. And I'll probably either be killed for saying this or not have a career after we get off this show. But I spoke the truth. We talked to Tim Dillon in the middle of uh conspiracy it was right after tim did like a he had whitney webb on and they really did a deep dive on epstein and like when he does his podcast i don't even it's like a half a joke but half not when he's like uh i'm not suicidal like i'm i'm saying this of my own volition or whatever i was like i feel

like i'm just gonna be on a list or something for even from even just talking to you like i don't know where that where we draw the line clearly alexa's listening to me and now i'm being like yeah fuck the clintons i'm like oh man i'm gonna end up dead one day this tinfoil hat's gonna be like you almost want to end up dead because that meant that you were an important enough pawn yeah it's when you like as a comic you're like i can say what i want and you there's no repercussions that that's because no one's listening. That's a really good point. The ultimate compliment. If I could get wiped out by the government or something. Imagine how confused that hitman would be

if he walked in the door and was like, Yes! Hell yeah, baby! Right here, right in the temples, man! I knew I was onto something! Let me go live first. Let me get on Instagram. Do me execution style so they know that you guys make business that's awful you uh did you catch the debate last night um what was i uh i was

pitching on directing a movie and they scheduled it for five and the debate was on at six and they were like we only have an hour and i like, this took me four days of cutting and pasting. I'm like, you will be late to your debate. And so I not only made them late, I, this is so sad because I came out, my husband was watching it and he's like, this is so hard to watch. And I was like, I'll just have Twitter tell me what I think tomorrow. And that's my answer. That's a great way to live. Twitter's never wrong. Twitter's a great place to just form your opinions. Yeah. they always have your back. But also, why my thing, like, of course, I watch highlights is putting it strongly.

Of course, I watch clips of it the next day. But also, who's torn? Like, I'm not watching this to be like, well, I'm really thinking Biden. I don't know. I'm on the fence. I have too much respect for my mental health to watch any of it. And same thing. Like, I don't have any questions here. There's there's there's no question. There's nothing going into this. I'm like, I might be swayed. It's all just like confirming what you already want to hear and listen,

listening for what you want to hear. I didn't want to hear any of it. No, I had no questions, only complaints. I turned on my phone this morning. I was brushing my teeth. I'll be like, oh, I'll catch a couple of clips the first thing i see is joe biden being like will you shut up man man we're good yeah or the only the only thing you needed to see last night was jay tapper afterwards that what was his quote he said it was a um that was a hot mess inside a dumpster fire inside a train wreck and then the girl after him was like, it was a shit show. Like, I'm going to say it.

I did see Jake Tapper saying that. And the comic in me was like, those are hacky references. Like, that's a hot mess. That's up there with saying, like, I almost threw up in my mouth. These jokes are so trod upon. But in his world, in his CNN. Do you ever get jealous of that? Where you're like, fuck, if I was on cnn like you would kill i would i'd crush him like that's all jake had to say and he went viral

where it's just like yeah just three again hacky like overly used like we've used like the dumpster fire image as a joke because it's so overly used on twitter and people were like wow look at him telling it like it is yeah because those guys know, normally have to be sort of conservative no matter how you vote and sort of reserved. And that's because they're these like authorities. So every once in a while when you get that or when you get any of them, it's like dabbing or whatever. Like, oh, it's like seeing your teacher outside of school. You're like, that's weird. You're wearing like jeans.

When I was a kid, I saw my principal at my beach and he was in a thong bikini. What? The motherfucker was like 80 years old and I never respected him ever again. I told him as much. I told him to his face. I was in second grade. I was like, you wear a thong bikini. That's disgusting.

What? Yeah. Mr. Kelly. Oh, my God. There's no wonder you're so fucking old. You're name checking him. Oh, he's definitely dead by now. So I'll.

Definitely dead. So let's disrespect the dead then. Now we're good. Yeah. Oh, he's definitely dead by now. So I'll definitely disrespect the dead. Then now we're good. Yeah. We'll spit on his grave. The poor bastard, Chris Wallace, he, he, the debater, the moderator last night. I mean, he just, he never had a shot to begin with, but also really didn't even try. He didn't, didn't, or he tried. He just completely failed.

But there was so much buzz earlier this month about your boy Joe Rogan ever being the debate moderator. He's a guy you've gone on with a couple times. What do you think Joe would be like as a moderator? Well, I think, you know, I wonder. I mean, I don't know, and I'm sure you could ask him. But as a comic, you know, you have this bullshit meter. As a moderator, you have to kind of be impartial, even though, of course, you're not. And so I just wonder, you know, he's incredibly intelligent. Your job is really just to posit the questions and be like, that's enough time,

Senator. Now it's, you know, you're really just kind of like a traffic cop that has to understand the issue. So it would be hard not to impart your opinion. And so I, in a a weird way it's not that he's so smart but i feel like you almost be bored you'd have a front row seat for the action but yeah i feel like you would be like stop here's the thing about yeah i feel like you'd be like fuck off fuck you no way moving on yeah uh so i think it's also you know yeah god i was go ahead. I was going to talk about your tour. I mean. Let's do that. Yeah. What's the vibe? I mean, what does a tour even mean right now? Is it back to business as usual or what's happening?

Let me tell you this. I am so fucking jacked to get back out on the road. I did. When we were normal touring, I would do this thing. This is so dorky and I don't care. And I would look up the weather and I'd be so excited because in LA we have like one season and it's hot and every other place, you know, I have, I've amassed this collection of scarves and jackets and I get so excited cause I'm a white woman to wear the scarves and jackets, but I would keep the weather on my phone. And then I'd look back and look at all the places that I'd been to,

you know, and see like, I'd been to you know and see like oh you know oh wow that's right you were in Tokyo whatever and I got to load up the weather for these places and and see that it's like 40 degrees at night in Boulder it's so dorky and I I held my dog and I was like are you ready for the road like it finally tasted like normalcy and it is a normal tour in that I'm going around the country. And the tour, I named it the comedy tailgate tour because I was – I want to – there's only a couple comics even doing this because not all comics are built for this type of tour. This is not an intimate club and this is not an intimate show. It's a drive-in.

Are you going with like they change their car radio to a certainin um are you going with like um like they change their their car radio to a certain station or are you going like big speakers so there's both there's speakers and they tune in on am radio and what's great about am radio is nothing but what's great about using the am radio uh in the show is that there's no delay like even in a massive theater there's a delay to the back of the room and so now people can hear it in real time. So even though you're not hearing the laughs, they're still feeling it and you can keep, you kind of set your own pacing,

but I called it the comedy tailgate tour because I wanted to impress upon people that it's a hang. I wanted to bring up like Americana ideas of your car and alcohol and food, and you can bring all these things. You can sit in your tailgate. Some venues, they give you a little like patch of land and you can bring all these things. You can sit in your tailgate. Some venues, they give you a little patch of land and you can bring chairs and you can make it like a hangout. And I wanted people to feel that for this show.

So that's why it's the tailgate tour and not a drive-in tour. I mean, tailgates are more fun than whatever it is you're tailgating usually. So when you make the event a tailgate, it's like, you know, there's plenty of times where it's like, I don't even want to go into the game. Let's just stay tailgating usually so when you make the event a tailgate it's like you know there's there's plenty of times like i don't even want to go into the game let's just stay tailgating and that's what you get to do for the whole show here turns out none of us bought tickets we can't

afford them but we can eat these hot dogs we did two we did one in new jersey which was really a parking lot outside of a racetrack but they'd set it up and it was cool and then we did one in cape cod and that's when i was like we got to call it the comedy tailgate tour. They had bistro lights set up, which as a woman, I'm like, ooh, bistro lights. And there was like a dust in the air. It felt like a rodeo. And people each had like a little roped off area next to the car. And they brought chairs and they brought wine and cheese.

And I don't know who's driving them home. Yeah, real Cape Cod shit. Real Cape Cod. Rope belts, whales on their shirts, a lot of cocaine, a lot of sockless moccasins. It was awesome. And it felt warm and it felt good and it felt different. It doesn't feel – it's different. And we loved it. And so I'm encouraging people to come out. We got merch're ready to go and the shows are selling out and people love it so how are you are you flying or

you take your bus in it we were gonna do a tour bus and then i'm not gonna bore you with the details and logistics and me calling someone a fucking idiot and so we opted not to do the tour bus. Uh, but we, so we got nine dates, which is a far cry from like the 40 that we had before COVID, but nine dates all over the country landing in some places, driving to others, but just to get the chance to be back out there and to connect with people, especially living, you know, you live in Los Angeles, you live in your own, your own little, I to say bubble because los angeles is a very diverse place uh but just getting to connect with the rest of america in an unarmed way and to practice your craft yeah yeah how weird is it like without the laughs like that not like you know they are you said they are some outside um so it's not like there's no laughs. But does that affect your pacing, really?

Yeah, because I talk very fast. And sometimes I watch myself, and I'm like, if you just slow down, you could get two hours out of this hour. It's a little bit slower, and I don't mind it. And I think as I get older, I'm like, yeah, maybe we don't have to do a crab walk across the stage. Maybe we can take a fucking breath and so they honk now instead of clap um which sounds dystopian and weird and it is yeah and mentally when you're hearing the honk you know we're programmed to not like a honk a honk is a bad thing right if you can just get over that mental hurdle it's weird but it's not bad. It's just different.

See, that's. It's like petting a hedgehog versus your dog. Okay. I know this. It's different, but you still need the love. So what's a, I would feel pressure as a, as a viewer, listener, whatever it is. How, what's the appropriate amount of honking? Do you give it like a, do you like a bop, bop, bop?

I mean. You feel it out for yourself. Yeah. You really do. And you can hear the laughs do you like a bop bop bop i mean you feel it out for yourself yeah you really do and you can hear the laughs and you can feel the energy like it's palpable yeah um i would think the opposite i would feel like it would be like you're kind of like alone on this stage being like oh i hope they're into it but you can tell you're alone on the stage regardless it's it's a weird thing. And I don't know that I even have the hang of it. But I think the important thing is that we're all trying.

I tried very hard to bring them the show. They made the effort to come to the show. We're all coming together. And I just keep focusing on that. And it is a little weird. But I kind of liken it to Warped Tour. Because you're outside. I love being outside.

It's an outdoor venue. it feels very rock and roll um and inherently american because of the cars and the drive in nature so it's definitely this like brave new weird world um but i'm just really happy that we were able to put this together versus like playing a venue at like half capacity or yeah or something like that it doesn't feel sterile because everybody's in their cars we're not at like you know right we're not sitting eight apart at theater so yeah so i think we're all we'll all just kind of figure it out together where's the next show where the next few shows i don't know no it's uh uh butler pennsylvania like like all good uh tours it kicks off in western pennsylvania um it goes I should know this off the top of my head.

It goes Butler, Pennsylvania on Thursday or Friday? On Friday. Saturday is McHenry, Illinois. It's about an hour outside of Chicago. And then Sunday is, what does that say? I don't know. Denver? Denver.

I don't know. Have you heard of Denver, Eliza? Denver? Denver. I don't know. Have you heard of Denver, Eliza? This little quaint town called Denver, Colorado? No, is it Thursday? Are there only two shows this weekend? What's the third?

Assistant, tell me! It's Fort Collins. Why don't you know this? Why don't you have this tattooed? Fort Collins, Colorado. And then we'll go on to Texas, my home state. Oh, that's awesome. That's dope.

We're going to play a little answer to the internet. We did it last time. We've kind of just rolled it into a podcast segment now since obviously we're not in person. So we're going to hit you with some of the questions from the deepest darkest corners of the web if you could be the

patron saint of something what would it be patron saint of snacks oh okay oh then hang on a second here we go you just opened up Pandora's box babe clear the schedule alright we're going on a road trip you got we got one stop at

a mobile or whatever. One of those rest stops. What are your four snacks you're getting? It's so tough because I'm a woman. We have to consider will I feel fat? You got to get water.

No beverages. Beverages are just free. You can get beverages. We're just talking just foods. How far into the trip? How long is the road trip? Where are we? Okay. We are going from Boston.

We're going to Fort Collins, Denver. Boston to D.C. So it's about a six-hour drive, and we are just getting to Connecticut. You're early in, but you're about to hit like the meat of the trip. Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's, oh God, four? Okay, strawberry Twizzlers. Boo.

That's an F minus. You got to get out of the car. Strawberry Twizzlers. Can I get some sort of sandwich? Sure. Some sort of turkey sandwich. Okay, turkey sandwich and licorice. You guys want me to say like Gardettos and fucking fire hot.

I want you to say whatever you want to say. I would like something better than licorice, but. Sour Patch Kids. Okay, now we're cooking. Now we're cooking with gas. Sour Patch Kids, maybe a 7-Eleven hot dog. What? Garbagio. maybe a 7-Eleven hot dog what this started with I'm a woman so I'm wondering if I'm getting fat

and then it's give me a 7-Eleven diggity dog those ones that are wrinkled and rolling on the fucking you said we were road tripping well you are road tripping girl I would judge the fuck out of you I hate limits and I hate lists and i i i think

it's also region specific like in the north northeast they have wawa so you can make your own like designer coffee yeah and so it depends on if it's the morning i'm gonna get a fun coffee and maybe if there's like a homemade tasty breakfast sandwich somewhere so it i'm sorry no you're going to the hot dog that's it you get the all right all right how's this 7-eleven hot dog and it was so fucking hot new jersey and we were playing there you know when you're so thirsty water won't even do it i got a slurpee and i drank the whole thing and i don't care so a cherry coke and blue slurpee sour patch kids um and then maybe some like Ant Acid. I always grab Tums. That's a good one.

Got to. You could press two buttons. There are two buttons. You can only press one. Button A, you instantly get a million dollars. Button B, you have a 50-50 chance at $100 million. Which one do you push? Is there a mystery door?

No mystery door. Just two. No mystery door. There's a mystery door. It's $0. Million in the bank or a 50-50 shot at $100? I got mystery door. Just two. No mystery door. There's a mystery door. It's $0. Million in the bank or a 50-50 shot of $100? I got mystery door. Okay.

I go million because are you going to be a million? See, that's a stupid answer. Let me tell you why you're dumb. Oh, I disagree. I go with the answer. Let me tell you why you're dumb, though. I mean, we're talking about her specifically, right? Hold on.

Are you going to explain to me what a combine is again, or is this going to be like a different, you are successful and you're probably going to make a million bucks and like your next fucking tour, give it, give it a world. If I was like, if I had, if I was destitute and had no future, I got to take the money in hand, but a million is not, I mean, that's a lot of money, but I feel like someone in your position, roll the dice for a hundred because you're killing it.

For sure. I hear that because it's like, well, I'm already existing just fine. So why not try to up it? But I took that as a million cash. So you're netting. So you're, you're, you're netting that million. And in showbiz, you have to give away like 30% of your income to different people. So to just get to actually for once get the number i was promised and not have to give any of it away i feel will be very satisfying um fiscally so that's why i picked that okay last one cool my penis just went in my body cool answer and uh no it makes perfect sense fun question last one what do you think the oldest person who's ever had sex is father what is it mr kelly but what what what age do you think it is forget about the person what age is the oldest person

ever sex man woman whatever do you have the answer no no no how would you who takes a poll the difference i mean your 80s and your 90s i think it gets kind of nebulous so i'd probably say i'd probably say someone that's like 95 because as a woman you could receive sex i don't know if you could get an erection as a man so also what is sex right so yeah well when a man loves a woman they we actually love them we had um the porn star i don't know if you've uh heard of her abella danger on the show uh one time and she no i haven't heard of her she's a famous porn star i don't know and uh her, she's like 23, I think. Her answer was

50. Oh. Because that's so old. I wanted to put a bullet in my head. She's like, I don't know, maybe like a 50-year-old man. I was like, why? Bella. That was tough. Maybe that's why she hasn't crossed over

into mainstream, because she has no vision. She's very mainstream. That's why I figured you'd know her. You need to put some respect on her name, Eliza. Bella's very mainstream. Sorry, Bella. Check out the Eliza's Tailgate comedy tour. We're in Western Pennsylvania first. Then we are in outside Chicago.

And then we are in Fort Collins this weekend. Yeah, and then all next week we're in Texas. So, and then we got a bunch of other dates. So come check it out. My suspicious Chinese dog will be there, not allowing anyone to pet her. But we have act, we'll travel. So we're pumped and we'll, and we'll see you guys. All right. Thank you. I'm sorry for mansplaining the combine. It's going to haunt me forever.

Oh, I don't care. By the way, beyond the one line you said, I don't have anything else. I was just like you said, and I was like, oh, I can't wait to show up that I know what a combine is. Thank you so much for the time as always. It's great. See you guys next time. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

I've got some issues that nobody can see And all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the light for you It's only right this is the soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life to my life, to my life, to my life, to my life