KFC Radio - It's Hard to Get Hard, Mike Cannon, and Alfonso Ribeiro

Episode Date: February 18, 2020

Guess which cohost lost a fridge this weekend. Should men wear spanx? The guys dispel the myth that it's easy to get an erection. KFC watched a shocking film about outfits recently. Feits' is gonna be a godfather. How often do you talk to yourself? Voicemails include: Subway Punishments, Awkward Threesomes, and more. Mike Cannon (01:06:01) joins the show to discuss the release of his new comedy special "Life Begins". He tells a great story of how he got to become a regular at the Comedy Cellar. Alfonso Ribeiro (01:49:50) wraps up the show. We talk about the incredible longevity of his career, his thoughts on having played the iconic character "Carlton Banks", and racism in the entertainment industry.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network, brought to you by New Amsterdam and Pink Whitney. Shout-out to our guy, Biz. I feel like Biz got some Lifetime Achievement Award written about him or some shit over there. Big news over from Chicklets Land, and I feel like they just run on Whitney at this point. And the Zillion Beers movement, I feel like Whitney and Dana. I feel like Whitney was – I saw a few of his tweets talking about Dana, and I feel like it's like a big cosign when you get Ryan Whitney.

Ryan Whitney, who's been like an OG Barstool guy, was like, I've never seen anyone rise faster and better than dana did with zillion beers and that's coming from the guy who just sold like two million bottles of pink whitney so uh you know no better cosign than him and that's why new amsterdam is going through the moon because ryan whitney is actually giving a whitney name watching uh fucking hockey now because it's very cool and like their commercial comes on yeah it. And they're embedded into it. Wednesday night games and Saturday afternoon games. Whatever it was.

It's very cool. It's like regular Nets Jam commercials, Pink Whitney commercials. Those two calling each other pigeons. Just really impressive stuff. It really is. Nobody better than talking shit in the entire world than Ryan Whitney. Ryan Whitney used to become like a battle rapper with his fucking jabs that he can throw at people. Dude, when he called into radio once, and it wasn't, he was just calling Frankie a pigeon.

Yeah. And he didn't take his phone. He had his phone, I guess, you know, I wasn't there. But he had his phone trapped in between his head and his shoulder. And he was at the driving range just chirping Frankie. And you could hear him not even breaking the swing. He's like, you're a fucking – I fucking hate you. Oh, I fucking striped that one.

He was like pure, so pure. He's the best in the business, the best in the game. And so that's the reason why Pink Whitney is the fastest-selling liquor of all time. It's great for your party. It's great for mixed drinks, for shots, for this entire generation, for all hockey fans. It is the official drink of the NHL, of Barstool Sports, of spitting chiclets. It's one of a kind. So get yourself some Pink Whitney and some New Amsterdam.

Got a big show today. A couple interviews for you. We got Alfonso Ribeiro, a.k.a. Carlton, which we get into very much talking about whether or not he likes having a legendary character like that. Spoiler alert, he doesn't. We got Mike Cannon on the show

who is a young up-and-coming comedian in New York City who is just a degenerate like one of us. I really liked him. Yeah, he fits in very open about all of his issues and his partying and his lifestyle, and it's refreshing to see that there's more of us out there. We're not alone. I feel like there's so many of us, but not many admit it.

You know what I mean? I actually go back and forth. I don't know how many there are. Really? You think they were special? Yeah. No. know what i mean it's a lot i actually go back and forth i don't know how many there are really it was you think that we're special yeah no it was i mean they think it's not a complimentary special no but you know special in the sense of rare like not many it's something i've i've uh toyed with my whole life where i remember my mom used to yell at us i drank too much in high school and i was like everyone's like this and then realized like not so much and then like yeah

the more i get out in the world i'm like i don't think everyone's a piece of shit right well everyone is a piece of shit just in a different way and but again i mean i think that people tend to hide it more and we're just the only ones who openly talk about it which makes you feel like your piece of shitness is enhanced yeah when it's just that it's open you know so many people dress up and play the part of not a piece of shit and then go home and are a piece of shit and then go home and are a piece of shit whereas we are just like what you see is what you get yeah that's true yeah i mean you you told me today it's president's day as we record this it's a fake holiday uh but apparently one that is now an official holiday at barcelona sports right but i woke up at 11 30

went back to sleep at 1 p.m and needed to set an alarm for a 3 o'clock appointment. No, I didn't set an alarm. And that's why I woke up in a panic. I was like, oh, fuck, I missed it. And I said, imagine living a life where you can miss something at 3 p.m. because you didn't set an alarm. I mean, when... I've decided recently.

I live on just a different fucking planet. Oh, yeah. I mean, we decided this for you a long time ago, John. Yeah, well, like, it's one of those things, I guess I'm accepting it now. Finally, you came to acceptance. Where it's just like, I don't understand the way it works. Like, how it's okay for me to be this way. No, I mean, I mean, that's where you really lucked out in, like, the life that you fell into.

Because, what would it have been? What would it have been? I honestly don't. I would be unemployed. Like, I would be unemployable. No, you would go sell insurance. No, because I wouldn't get up in the mornings. You would have to.

Yeah, but I wouldn't. There's a lot of things I have to do that I don't do. You might legitimately be dead because you would have to, like, all right, I'll go sell insurance, and that would involve waking up in the morning, and I think you would either, like all right i'll go sell insurance and that would involve waking up in the morning and i think you would either like intentionally or unintentionally kill yourself like an accidental overdose or something drank too much one day and you were like well you know do not resist honestly i'd probably have a much better life because like this life enables me to be oh okay yeah well you know when people say like when they're like women, you know, they make an

honest man out of you. And it really means like they just whip you into shape and make sure, you know, you're not like a literally honest man. It's just that you're a respectable man. I've turned this hoe into a housewife. Yeah. The hoe hasn't tried to change me. Right.

Right. You this job does not make an honest man out of you. It makes a very dishonest man. It makes you a very big an even bigger piece of shit. I was telling you, I texted my girlfriend a picture of my TV because she had said Liverpool. Game's about to start or something like that. Sent me a reminder.

I was like, I'm already watching. What a woman. And she goes, what happened to the fridge? There's a mini fridge under my TV. Which in and of itself is funny. It's just like, yeah. I don't know what happened. I mean, I, I just...

I had not noticed it was gone. I don't know when it left. I don't know when I got to take it away. Did you use that fridge? Not really. It's kind of just an accoutrement. I could just see it, you know, like, that's like,

it's a very, you know, guy thing where it's just like, I'm sick of walking to the kitchen. Why don't we just put the fridge in this fucking TV room? Yo, my... so when i was it was probably blackout tour days so probably 2011 2012 something like that i lived in a um an apartment in southie that was condemned um when the rats took over right right the one i just gave the rat half the apartment and And when I gave him that half, and we, by the way, we gave him that and we just put up like a kid thing, like a baby protector. Because it was just in the house.

Like, it would have been so easy for a rat to get through that. You did need to baby-proof that fucking place. But it would have been,. It had holes this big. Probably from the fucking rats chewing through it. The rat could just walk through. Maybe not that rat, bro. Oh, but anyway. That rat, you know.

One of the rooms we gave the rat was the kitchen. So we had to bring the whole fridge, entire fridge into the living room. Full size one? Full size fridge. Just had it in the living room. Just making turkey sandwiches on the couch the good old days man actually i i do i do have something to ask you and it ties into this kind of nicely um you know those those are the days you haven't really changed much but i was in the middle of writing this blog too like uh i i'm old enough now and zillion beers ties into this nicely like i'm watching dana and fucking shout out to your boy tj who's apparently

just one of the biggest idiots on the planet to just live in the zillion beers life and i'm i'm so comfortable watching from afar now and being like that just that's not me anymore you know i can i can support it i'm all about it but i can't live it anymore because life changes and i've accepted that i'm a 35 year old man who at one point was living the zillion beers life and now i'm not and i think it's one of the most important things you know i will judge you i will make fun of you and that's how i make my money or whatever but i also recognize that i can very easily end up in the same boat as you one day you know what i mean like i look at older people i'm like that's lame but i know that there's

every chance i end up doing that whatever it is that i'm making fun of i may have encountered something where i think i have to draw the line i went to dinner the other day with my buddies and everyone's we do this thing everyone tries to get together once a month it's almost it gets it's to the point where where life is so unfun you know when couples have to like schedule sex yeah we have to like schedule it's like a monthly dinner like once a month let's try to get together because if not we're all just gonna like fade away and never be friends anymore so we're sitting around and everyone's kind of catching up sharing like stories of how you know they're how lame their lives are basically and my one buddy my like close friend the one that you know like

he's he's such a fucking idiot such a weirdo he tells me he's wearing spanks don't hate it as i was making fun of it trent was like fight over priority already and i and i thought to myself is this one of those things where I'm making fun of you and maybe I'll see the light, I'll see the benefit, and I'll do it in a little bit? I see the benefit right now. How can you not see the benefit? I mean, I see the benefit. Of course. There's a very, like, literal.

But aren't spanks just compression foods? I mean, what he showed me is, like, you know, like, it goes up to, like, your belly. Yeah. You know, I'm not talking about, like, not talking about wearing tight boxer briefs. I'm talking like he's wearing to suck your tummy in. Male Spanx. They are for men. It's got a dick pouch and everything.

It's utterly ridiculous, actually. Hang on here. Let's see if I can even find the fucking... Dick pouch. It goes from rib cage to down through your boxers. If you're watching on Gold, we'll put it up. Go to barstoolgold.com slash KFC. That's a bit much, right?

I love it. He looks like a fucking... I mean, let me see that thing again. This is... What a scene. I love this, let me see that thing again. This is... What a scene. I love this, like, the model they chose, too. I know. That guy needs those.

I don't fucking think so. The guy's like, no, I think I'll have my fucking abs out. Thank you very much. Yeah. When normal guys put that on, you got shit spilling over the tops and the bottoms. Trying to bust out. I mean, it's one of those things where it is, like... It's so popular in the female community.

Why wouldn't it translate? I mean like Kim Kardashian just makes – for hot people. What do they call it? Body shaping? Yeah. We should just start doing this. And I feel like girls are like fashion-wise always kind of ahead of the trends and guys will eventually adopt all the things that girls do just to look better. And you see it now like in,

in the face wash and, and the charcoal masks, like guys are starting up industry. Yeah. It's getting there. You know, I think they said it's a, shout out to Hawthorne.

They're doing all that, you know, male hygiene, you know, male makeup strip, I believe is a multi-billion dollar industry now. I mean, ugly guys are ugly too. And they want to look pretty, but this to me, I believe, is a multi-billion dollar industry now. I mean, guys are ugly too, and they want to look pretty.

But this, to me, is a bit much. War paint. Have you ever seen that one? Oh, well, they try to make it male-oriented. If a dude's buying makeup, he doesn't fucking care about it. They always try to make it all black and be like, for men, for the real average Joe. It's like, clearly not. This is for a guy who's like, I want to look pretty today.

Make that shit pink. That dude's confident enough to be like, I'm going to put on makeup today. Yeah, he doesn't need it to be. Or makeup's a funny thing, isn't it? Well, it's confident for a male to agree to wear it, yet it's super insecure because it's like, I need to change my appearance so that you like me. It's a weird balance there. But he's confident enough in the fact that he needs makeup. So he's like, I'm just going to get makeup.

I think it's super confident to admit you're not confident. Right. So it's like I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb. Exactly. Right? And I also think that guys don't understand that real makeup is super subtle. I love when guys are like, look, you're so beautiful naturally here. And it's like, I was wearing so much makeup.

They're idiots. Girls are never natural, you know? I had like 20 minutes worth of work done right there, and you think I look natural because it's good makeup. Guys think that the only makeup they... They only think you're wearing makeup if you look like Mimi from the Big Daddy Show. Yeah, you have to have blue eyeshadow,

otherwise you're natural. It's like, no, motherfucker. I have inches of makeup on my face. The Spanx, though. And this is the guy who is always, you know, he kind of like dresses like you dress. And he was doing it a long time ago. So we were always kind of busting his balls. And then in hindsight, we look back at old pictures.

And I was like, you know, we all looked like sloppy messes and had awful hair and shirts that were too big. And we were like, look at this guy. He's so fucking gay. And he looked super sharp looking back at, you know. But and the way he did it, too, we're sitting at this big round table and everyone's kind of like just going around. And his his offering was like, so I'm wearing Spanx now. And I was just like, I got up and walked away from the table. I was like, not fucking now, dude.

Not now. But I'm like, I am smart enough to know that, like I said, all the things I used to make fun of him for, you know, years ago, I'm doing now. And I'm fully aware that you can make fun of something and end up in the same boat not too long from now. Male compression underwear girdles. I don't know. But it is exactly what like i need yeah and i'm always worried about like love handles and fucking guts and shit if i could just but you know when girls

get home and they're just like oh i can't wait to get this off like i don't know i don't think i could commit to that life i i also don't think i could physically put them on yeah well that's the thing it would be it's a whole it's just a thing it's a whole process right it's just and then what do you that's another thing that you have to process Right It's just like And then what do you do That's another thing That you have to do now And I just don't want To do more things I'm trying to do

As little things as possible In my life You go home with a girl And it's like Hang on I got to get My Spanx off If you wear Spanx If you're wearing Spanx

Just get as drunk As you can that night Because you're not Fucking anybody That's true Might as well use it It's like when you're smushed You're not getting any anyway

Just be blacked out It's like when your girl Is like Like. You're not getting any anyway. Just be blacked out. It's like when your girl tells you she's on her period or whatever. I don't want to text her. It's like, yo, yeah! I'm getting blacked the fuck out! Nobody's fucking tonight! Me and my broken dick are going to have a party! I'm going to drink two bottles of tequila tonight.

Let's go! There's nothing better. It's like telling me telling me it's really not good uh like telling me that like we're not gonna have sex tonight is like like you want to go for a walk to a dog it's like getting lucky it's like the reverse though It's like yes I'm getting laid tonight Fucking right I'm getting drunk as shit I'm telling you

The cross that we have to bear As men Always expecting That we want to fuck Yeah Or that we're ready to fuck Or that this dick just works On fucking command

You know how hard it is To get my dick to work It's so hard To get your dick hard So hard I'm 35 fucking years old I've been beating this thing into submission for two decades it doesn't want to come out to play anymore okay my dog is like a my dick is like a

rescue dog like you gotta you gotta like like coddle it and right now i'm like you you come you come on a date with me now i'm not gonna stay away stay away all right all right you gotta really like get my gain my trust and pet me and feed me, and then maybe I'll come out to play. Right now I'm malnourished and I'm mangy and I'm ready to fucking bite. I ain't ready to play, man. It's hard to get a dick hard. It's fucking hard to get a dick hard out here.

Shit. Girls just don't know it. And then when it doesn't work, they take offense. I'm like, now I got to worry about this on top of the fact that my dick barely works anymore? I got to take your feelings into consideration. I have generations of masculinity in my head. I feel like I have lost the world. Right.

And I have to deal with it because you don't think you're that pretty or something like that. I'm letting down my grandfathers and my grandfathers before him. I'm letting down my whole gender. And now you don't think you're sexy? Fuck you! My grandfather was like, I killed Nazis. You can't fuck a hot girl. I don't know what to tell you, dude.

It's just not working tonight. Guys have a hard because of all that stuff we just said, like wars and things. But girls, girls, you got a lot to compete. Starting at age nine, it's like, is it gaping? Don't care. If it's not gaping, I don't want it. And it's like, I got to go fuck a human woman now? Pass.

John, I watched something this week, man. And I had a moment I really, I felt for girls. Because for the most part, sometimes I think the whole porn and girls thing kind of gets like overblown. Like, you know, like porn's ruining like relationships

or it's ruining guys' perceptions of girls. Sometimes I believe it. Sometimes it gets overblown. I watched this girl. The actual fucking tagline was, I put my whole outfit inside my asshole. John, John, John. She took off a pair of shorts, a thong, and a fucking tank top and put all of it in her asshole.

I watched it from front to fucking finish. This bitch doesn't check baggage. She even did the time lapse, like, like it went fast forward. She was putting lube on it, and she was just like, boom. Done. I have an entire outfit in my asshole. And I'm sitting here thinking about regular girls who are just

like, do you want to just put your dick in my vagina? No! Put your blazer in your asshole! Put your sneakers up there too! It's crazy, man. Oh my god. And you want me to get my dick hard for regular old, like on a date? Get the fuck

out of here. Give me a break. The, um... I remember one of the early, very, very early KFC Radio episodes Dave was on. Oh, God. And he was talking about, like, getting hard with girls dancing and stuff like that. Yes, yes. He said, like, if you don't get a full boner when you're dancing with girls, you're gay. He was, like, offended.

He was like, you're fucking gay. Like, old school gay right like why did you drop the hard the gay you can't say anything yeah yeah you don't get hard dancing with girls i've had sex before dude at that point too like new dave looking back on that would probably be like oh yeah it's a different different world now you know but i always think about that where i'm like people used to get hard dancing yeah people used to be like oh don't touch me like a girl touched me my entire dick can be in your mouth and i'm just like i'm still like ah all right oh man it's like yeah there's a reason why you can fit the whole thing in your mouth right now Oh, man.

It's like, yeah, there's a reason why you can fit the whole thing in your mouth right now. It's not really all the way there. Nothing better than getting head when you're like halfway. Everybody turns their head to Brooks. It's like everyone was like, we're just all ignoring the elephant in the room, right? That you're just sucking on a soft dick. But it's so, I don't want it to be that way. It's just hard to get a dick hard man shit it's a president's day special here at kc radio man um all right we got to talk about john

though john is about to embark on a religious journey that i don't think he wants to be it's brought to you by stitch fix now i mentioned how uh back in the day uh i thought i was looking sharp and i thought i looked cool and stylish and i was not and that's because i was dumb and guess what most of you are dumb too most of the people listening to this podcast are dumb and they're certainly not like stylistically inclined you're smart and listen to this podcast what are you doing what are you doing i feel like smart're smart in listening to this podcast. What are you doing? What are you doing? I feel like smart people might listen to this almost like when a rich person

wants to slum it to see how the other half lives. Let me see how the morons are living. Let me remind myself just how much better I am than you. But for every one Feidelberg out there who knows the trends and the styles and shit,

there's a million of us who don't. And so why even try? Why even bother like you know what you're doing? Why don't you let Stitch Fix take care of it? Stitch Fix has a personal stylist who are experts in the field who will take a look at your style and take a look at your profile that you create. They know what's coming up in the latest trends and seasons. They know what's coming off the fucking runways of Paris. And they know what's good for the average modern man or woman, I think. And so you can make sure that everything they send you is up to date and going to fit you well and fit your style well. It happens once a month. They send a box over and all of your, you know, you can get everything from accessories to major pieces of clothes, outerwear, as well as all your essentials.

And you can keep what you like, send back what you don't like. No pressure, no long-term commitments. You don't end up taking clothes you don't actually want to wear. And right now you can get an additional discount on top of their already low prices when you go to stitchfix.com slash KFC. If you keep everything in your first box, when you go to stitchfix.com slash KFC, you get an extra 25% off on top of their already low fees. Right now, there's just a $20 styling fee that's built into the cost. And from there on out, after your first box, it's a la carte.

Keep what you like, send back what you don't. You can literally send back an entire box if you don't like anything. If you want to cancel at any time, you can do so. There's no long-term commitments, and there's free shipping exchanges and returns. So go to stitchfix.com slash KFC, get an extra 25% off when you keep everything in that first box, and start looking sharp. I do it. John does it. It's an easy way to look good and not have to shop and not have to worry. It just delivers to your door every month when you're ready for something new. Go to stitchfix.com slash

KFC. The Godfather, Johnny. That's me. That's John. One of the worst things you can do to a modern person is ask them to be a godparent. Really? Why? I was honored.

It's an honor, but how much of a pain in the ass is it now? Well, I don't think it's a pain in the ass, because it's like, I'm not going to get the kid. Well, no. I mean, yeah, yeah. The notion of the original meaning of godparents, where it's like, if we die, because we probably will, because life expectancy is like 30,

like something bad might happen, you have to raise this thing that's all out the window so now it's just a a ceremony and a and a you know me me and my godfather like our our like running joke is at christmas being like thanks and him saying thanks we get each other gifts neither of us have any idea what we got each other. My mom got him his gift. His wife got me my gift. It's like, thank you. You pick it out? He's like, yeah.

You pick it out? Yeah, sure. What is it? No, it is an honor, but it's just to get there, because as all religious fucking things are, the amount of hoops you got to jump through, the amount of nonsense. Religion takes itself pretty serious. Apparently.

Yeah. Apparently, man. It's a fucking such joke. It's like still, still. I mean, I get it back in the day, but still. You haven't changed the times to make this a little bit more convenient. You can't just like, you know, get your godfather certificate on Amazon now. The fuck?

Yeah. I'm going to whisper this. If anyone's listening who either is a priest by some crazy circumstance or knows a priest. Do you think there's any priests? Do you think there's any priests that listen to kids? I think there's maybe a priest. I bet we got one priest. Maybe he'll do it then.

And I'm speaking directly to you now, priest. Priest. Mr. Priest. Hey, priest. Can I have a note. And I'm speaking directly to you now, priest. Priest, Mr. Priest. Hey, priest. Can I have a note that says I'm a Catholic? I have exhausted all options, and now it is... When you say that, do you mean that you texted me and asked me, is that your option?

I sent four texts. Okay, yeah. Well, I've exhausted all options until I have to go lie to a priest. Right, right, right. I'm going to have to. If no one replies to me tomorrow saying, Hey, Fights, I got a guy who can tell people you're a Catholic. Oh, and I am a Catholic, by the way.

I have all my sacraments. No, that's the thing. I was baptized. I was confirmed. You went to fucking Catholic school. You probably know a lot more than the average idiot Catholic. Sure, for sure. For sure.

Yeah, if you're from below the Mason-Dixon line, I know more about religion than you. And it's like, sure, maybe you broke all the mortal sins shy of murder. Other than that, you get that one as a couple of questionable nights. Yeah, maybe, right? Maybe, but otherwise, you know, fuck. But I'm going to have to go. Again, if no one comes tomorrow, again, just, I don't know what it is. Priest. I need to know If Again If no one comes tomorrow Again just I don't know what it is

Priest Yo There's the one Capital P He's the priest I am the Catholic Which again I am We definitely have a rickety cricket

Floating around It has to be It has to But if you don't Then I'm gonna have to go lie to a priest And See you know what You really almost shouldn't have said that

Because the priest is at home And he wants to like hear that story What do you mean Like if I was the KFC radio priest I i'd be like i'll help you out but then knowing that if i don't you have to go lie to a priest i'm gonna get that podcast like i'm not gonna help you now well i mean i'm just gonna i don't know i mean i can't tell him i go to church right i mean i imagine he knows what his congregation looks like i can't be like i just sit back at his church right i mean it's a regularly practicing catholic right I can't be like, I just sit in the back every time. You don't have to go to his church, right? I mean, it's a regularly practicing Catholic.

Right, but can't you be like... You'd go to your priest. Can't you be like... Yeah. I guess maybe be like... My dad goes to church, though. I don't know how I did this. And he has my name, so maybe he can get on that. My godparents are not like, you know, or like the godparents from my kids are not like, you know,

hardcore. I don't know how we did this. I think it's... My brother-in-law is like just like us he's like fucking yugging beers and hanging out like he's not going to church every sunday i don't know how we how we how we finagled this but it's anybody do this i think it's because one of them the other the godmother is not catholic and one of you have to be catholic right so i think that it's because the other one isn't they probably are looking closer at me yeah they really set you up for failure on this one i mean they should have paired it's almost like you gotta know if you're gonna make me almost like i would imagine when you have like a line in hockey it's like all right you know you gotta like mix and match with strengths right well this line is like we got a non-catholic and

a fucking basically a non-Catholic now This line is a disaster My strength is not doing things Right And now I have to do things for this I love the kid I'd like to be the kid's godfather Gonna lie to a priest

I'm gonna go to hell That's how much I love you That is actually fucking A This is like the nicest thing ever I'm going to confirm first class seat to hell. Lying to a priest face. I already probably have that first ticket, last ticket, but whatever. Probably, but this is it.

I might drive the plane. You might be driving the fucking plane. Yeah. I might be the pilot. I might be piloting the plane. Piloting? I said piloting the plane. Off of the kids. So this is the nicest thing a guy has ever said piloting the plane off of the kids.

So, this is the nicest thing that Godfather's ever done. We really came around to this one. I'm surprised that this isn't, like,

here lies John, he killed himself. Why? He had to go fucking get the paperwork to be a father. I'm surprised you haven't killed yourself

over this. I just found out yesterday. It was time. Well, Godspeed on your mission and you're, mission, and you're going right to hell. But, hey, in the meantime, you'll be a godfather. Yay. Woo-hoo.

I'm going to go to hell for this kid. It's not even your kid. All right. He loves you. He loves you, kid. Let's get into our voice. I don't have a question. Oh, John's got a question voice. I don't have a question.

Oh, John's got a question, which I feel like is never a good thing. No. It's a bad thing for you, for me who has to answer it. It's usually a great thing for the listeners. So let's talk about it while we sip ourselves a Miller Lite. Because beer is the quintessential. Beer is good. Question's bad. Beer is good.

Beer is the quintessential. It's so versatile. Like, if I need to go sit down with you and, like, have a heart-to-heart with you about something serious, like, let's have a couple beers. This is going to be kind of a heart-to-heart. Yeah? Okay. So, perfect. Because sometimes you have a beer. It's like, I have good couple this is a good this is going to be kind of a hard part yeah okay so perfect because sometimes you you have a beer it's like i have good news to tell you sometimes

you have a beer like i have some bad news to tell you like let's have a couple beers you know sometimes you got a funny story and it's going to be told best over a few miller lights and so it really is the most versatile of uh it sets the tone for it's a great lubricant it is right it makes the hard things go easier and makes the easier things more fun. Say that again? I said it's a nice lubricant. It makes the hard things... Not the lubricant thing. The other part.

It makes the hard things easier and makes the easier things more fun. Miller Lite makes the hard things easier and the easier things fun. I mean, that is the best endorsement for beer I've ever heard in my life. I've been drinking the High Life. It's lubricant. I've been drinking... If you say that one more time, you're going to puke. My life. I've been drinking the High Life. It's Lupercum. If you say that one more time, you're going to puke.

It is – I mean, name something more important, food or drink, than beer. I don't think you can really. You might have a favorite drink or a favorite food, but the importance of beer and what we just said, the meaning of it. You can say to your buddies... It's an institution. Yeah. If I say to you, we need to go get a beer,

that's a thing. Or I could be like, go, pop a beer, baby. If I say to you, you want to split a bottle of wine? It's like, I don't know what the fuck that means. If I tell you we're getting beers, you know that it's going to be something. Good, bad, serious, like, you want to split a bottle of wine? It's like, I don't know what the fuck that means. If I tell you, like, we're getting beers, you know that it's going to be something.

Good, bad, serious, important, whatever. The signal that beer provides is, I mean, it's the most important thing in society. It has been forever, pretty much. What did they do before beer? Nothing. They tried to survive, and that was it. Yeah, I guess that's about it. I always wonder these things. How do people figure out barley and hops

and if you mix it and let it sit for a while and then drink it, it'll fucking make you feel funny. Aliens. Yeah, I mean it has to be, right? Ancient aliens, Da Vinci, all that shit. None of it makes a lick of sense. None of it. You had to have been told something by somebody. you are like a goldfish man where did that come from i don't

i don't know i was i think i got a rumble in my tummy and i think i like that idea i think i'm gonna have some beer and some tacos tonight you know what i think i'm gonna do i'm gonna make some tacos i'm gonna go get some ground beef and all that shit that's what i'm doing those taste different oh so much better but better i i i love taco bell and i get some ground beef and all that shit. That's what I'm doing. Those taste different. Oh, so much better. But better. I love Taco Bell and I love Chipotle and all that, but it's just a different thing. It's an entirely different food to me than homemade tacos. I get my HelloFresh from a KFC. Every week, I make sure I get tacos. And last week, I was cooking tacos and I was so tired that I just ate them at the stove.

Yeah. And I was like, I have a was so tired that I just ate them at the stove. Yeah. And I was like, I have a glass of wine away from me in a suburban mall. I was just stuffing my face over the stove, folding the tacos, and then eating it over it. So all the extra meat would fall back into it. Yep, yep. That was delicious. No, listen. It was really, really good. Cerveza and tacos tonight.

I'm going to do it with my Miller Lite because it is 96 calories and only 3.2 carbs per bottle per 12 ounces. So, celebrate responsibly whether you got good news, bad news, serious news, some jokes to tell, some stories to tell. When you sit down, you have a couple beers with your buddies. Make sure it's a Miller Lite because it's Miller time, baby. Enjoy responsibly. How about you opening that bottle with your hands? Yeah, got that one. Come on, man.

Congrats, dude. Cheers. Here's to you being able to open the beer to then have it. You open in that bottle with your hands full of growing. Yeah, got that one. Congrats, dude. Cheers. Here's to you being able to open the beer to then have it. What is your question, your heart to heart? What do we got? How often do you talk to yourself? Like, out loud?

No, in your head. Like, every fucking second in the morning. Okay, okay. I thought I was weird. No. Like, it's constant, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think it's a sign right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think it's a sign of how bad your life is, to be honest.

The other day I was in the shower. I was like, dude, shut the fuck up. I mean, that's why people... My tongue on my shoe is, like, slipping to the side. I hate that. Oh, it is. Oh, it's the worst. I think that when your life is happy and good and easy and there's just, like, nothing to worry about,

that's when your brain is allowed to think about other things. It's just like, huh, I'm going to like think about, you know, like what my favorite movie was from back in the day. I don't know. Like what happens in your brain when you're not constantly thinking and analyzing and questioning and wondering and trying to fix things? I was trying to decide, is it just – am I just thinking? And I was like, no, I'm having a conversation right now. Well, I mean, yeah. So clarify what you mean. Are you like – Yes. I don't know And I was like, no, I'm having a conversation right now. Well, I mean, yeah. So clarify what you mean.

Are you like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da? Yes. I don't know if I do that. I mean, it's straight up like Q&A. Yeah, it's a method acting. One, two, one, two, A, B, A, B. I method act you. I method act people in my life. I mean, I do that when I do the classic, like, in the shower, you know, the Costanza, like, jerk store thing.

When I'm playing out fights and stuff like that, I'll do the conversation. But other than that, I'm more, like, thinking to myself and then, like, no, no, that's not right, Kevin. Like, you know. But I'm not, like, conversating. No, I'm very much conversating. Huh. 100% conversating. That might be a little bit weird.

Yeah. I don't know. Do you do that, Nick? Yeah, I do that all the time, actually. Okay. I think it's... I actually... Because then I was really playing it out.

And I was like, this is why I don't have emotions. Because I have them. I just talk to me about them. Yeah. And then that's it. And they go away. Right. Exactly.

Because emotion is... At its base, it is unreasonable. And ill, is unreasonable and senseless. Illogical and irrational. Right? So I'm like, I'm angry. And it's like, yeah, this is... Like, why? Let's play this out.

Like, yeah, this is bullshit. We're fucking right at this, dude. This is fucking crazy. And then I get pragmatic about it. And I'm like, well, there's no reason. We already talked about it. We've expressed our emotions here. Yeah.

So let's just shut the fuck up and go about our day. See, honestly, what you might be describing is the difference between men and women in a way. You might be able to have that conversation with yourself, and the reason why girls will want to talk about it and all that shit is they don't want to do it up in their own brains. I talked about it. We're good. Yeah, right, right. It's like you need to talk about your emotions.

I do. Just silently. Yeah, I talk about them with me. Yeah. I don't think that's how it works. I'm pretty sure what we call this is like suppressing all your emotions. No, I don't know. Because I'm acknowledging the fact that the emotion exists.

But are you ever like talking yourself out of what you're thinking or feeling? No. I'm just like, yeah, I'm mad right now. Well, that's what I mean. You're allowed to be mad i think sometimes if you have a conversation with the second person they can like convince you that you're wrong or convince you that you should change whereas like i bet at the end of the day your brain but even then you're not changing the emotion itself no but you might be changing like

i've always said one of the most admirable traits i think about you is like your ability to admit when you're wrong or like change like like oh yeah okay i didn't think about that but that do you do that to yourself probably not but no but i'm also i'm not like i'm not going that deep with it i'm just being like i'm mad right yeah yeah it's very basic emotions yeah yeah i'm angry okay what does that fucking matter well that's where you know it's very matrix x's just like, you're mad about this here. I don't get why people express any, like, why anyone ever shares emotion. Yeah. Because it is a blip on the radar of the day.

Of you, of the fucking entire universe. But I mean, like, even in your life, like, it is 45 seconds of today. And it's 24 hours. And you are, this isn't going to be like a big deal for today and you're going to live 80 years. Yeah. What is the point

of getting worked up about this? It's so true. It's so true to just be like, that's why I think it's always important to go to bed. What? Like,

I'm upset about something and I'm like, go to sleep. You will wake up and not care about this in the morning. Right. Like the nighttime,

I feel like is always where my mind gets going and I get upset about shit and I'm just like, I'm going to smoke a bunch of weed, go to sleep, and in the morning my brain just won't think about this anymore. You look sneaky as such a weed head. I'm such a pothead now. The only way I sleep at night.

Only way I sleep at night now. I cannot. It's like sober sleep thing of the past. What time do you start smoking weed? It goes quick. Like once I'm high, I'm zonked. So on nights that I don't have the kids, I don't want to deal with the kids because then I'm like if god forbid something happens and i'm like a mess

but if i don't have the kids i'm uh i'm probably smoking at like nine o'clock and i am on pluto pretty quickly then i try to like watch a show for a little bit and i am realizing i am such a stereotypical high pothead person like i'm giggly i got the munchies and I have the brain of a fucking goldfish. Like I'll watch something and I'm like, what was that? Rewind it. What was that? Like,

I mean, my brain retains nothing. And then I'm just like, okay, whatever, whatever, whatever I was upset about. My brain is like incapacitated.

Now I can't possibly even be sad about it anymore because I've become an idiot. So I'm going to go to sleep, wake up in the morning. Good to go. Always sleep. My mom instilled that in me, mostly with the Mets. Sleep is the only escape.

But it's true. And it has heavy depth undertones, but whatever. There's a tweet the other day where it was like God inventing people or whatever. And it was, you know, it says that with like asterisks around it, like God invented people. And then it was God. Let's do sleep. We'll give them asterisks around it. God, many people. And then this is God. Let's do sleep. We'll give them a little death as a treat. Just a taste of the good stuff.

I love that. I love that. Just prepare you for the good shit. We'll give people a little death as a treat. Just mini death every day. Oh, by the way, did you see Joanna Sespedis released a quote Little death as a treat. Just mini death every day. Oh, by the way, did you see Joanna Cespedes released a quote that is the new unofficial slogan for us? Did you see this?

No. It's awesome. So he's back in action now. His fat ass is in spring training. And the media is talking to him, and they're trying to, like, pepper him questions about the wild boar and the Mets and all this shit. And he said, Cespedes will not talk about his status, his recovery from multiple heel surgeries, his wild boar encounter, none of it. No, he said, not today, not tomorrow, not at all this year.

I think if he just took that one step forward and said ever, it was just not today, not tomorrow, not this year, not at all, ever. That is the KFC radio slogan. I don't want to talk about my emotions. I don't want to talk about work. No, talk about them. Just to yourself. Just not with you, motherfucker.

Not today, not tomorrow, not this year. You're being selfish by making me have this conversation with you. It really is true. It really is true. It really is true. I don't want to have this conversation. I don't. And you're forcing me into it. This is like conversation rape.

That's what it is. You're assaulting me with this conversation. So what? Final answer? You're happy with the fact that other people probably do this? Yeah. I mean, I don't really care. No.

Again, what's the emotion? What, i'm embarrassed that's not real yeah i was just curious if it was how regular it was i mean i can assure you that asking me if things are regular not gonna get a good barometer not gonna get a good answer you're the only person i bounce things off so right well that's probably why we are the way we are voicemail time it's brought to you by cbD. See now, these guys help me go to sleep at night. I pop a couple capsules. I get loosey-goosey. Everything kind of relaxes. My anxiety goes away. My restlessness goes away. I get some good night's sleep. And I don't have to worry about it. I don't

have to worry about, you know, this is good for the nights that I do have kids. I don't have to worry about if, God forbid, there's ever an emergency. It's not like I'm super high or out of control. I just got the CBD in me because the CBD part of it has no THC. So you don't have to worry about being out of control. You don't have to worry about failing a drug test. You don't have to worry about any of that like, oh, no, I'm too high. The paranoia, all the bad side effects of marijuana, all the good stuff with CBD, MD. It's good for restlessness. It's good for anxiety. It's good for chronic pain. Basically, when you list all the symptoms that CBD fixes, it's just getting old.

It's just like being an older person, anxiety, sleeplessness, chronic pain. You don't have any of those things when you're a kid. I've been thinking about it this entire time. I'm in so much pain right now. I don't have any of those things when you're a kid. I've been thinking about it this entire time. I'm in so much pain right now. I don't know why. It's like my calves in particular are incredibly sore right now. Yeah, the front of your calf, I think that might be shin splints is what I'm feeling. Yeah.

And I'm just like – But I'm talking back. But you have shin splints? Well, I don't think I do, but that's – Don't you get shin splints like here? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I got that when I ran cross country.

You ran cross country? My freshman year. Like one time or like a whole season? Basically like one time. And it was hurt for the rest of the season with shin splints. What was your times? Uh-huh. What was your times?

I have no idea. Did you run? Oh yeah. Yeah. Cross country is the worst thing in the world. It was, I mean, I was like, it was like, uh, it was before I changed schools. I was, I was at my public school. Um, and, uh, I was like, I became a I was at my public school.

Before you became a cake eater? Yeah, exactly. I was like, I'll get in shape for hockey season. I'll run. That's the thing. Everyone always uses that as like a – Yeah, yeah. I don't really do that. I don't like this sport.

I'm using this sport to get in shape for this sport I like. Right, right. But I ended up – I got shin splints. I think I ran probably a race or two races all year. But it's actually kind of fun because then I – with shin splints, the workouts you'd have to do is you go in the pool. And you'd have kickboards. Right. And then you just kind of run in the pool.

Right, right, right, right. I fucking love that. Crush that. Yeah. That was amazing. It was fun. No, I mean like I had that pain, but I have no – it's not like I worked out or anything. I have no reason for it.

It's just like, man, your body is rejecting life. It just doesn't want to be existing anymore. Yeah, I think I'm so excited. I jerked off for an inexplicably long time yesterday. How long are we talking? I mean, like, not long, long, but just like multiple sessions. No, no, no, just longer than usual. What are we talking here? Put a minute on it.

22. 22 minutes? Yeah. Wow. It's a long one. That's a long one. Yeah, I Yeah, probably. Wow. That's a long one. That's a long one. Yeah, I'd say probably. Was it consistent? I mean, like, whack it around a little.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a break. Here and there. It's like the stop and go method or something. I told you that. I had a roommate in Boston once who would jerk off for two hours at a time. I mean, God bless him if you have that time in your life, you know? I mean, he'd come out and, like, get a glass of milk.

Milk of all things. I can understand a glass of water, but, like, wrap a towel around him? Take breaks, yeah. Put his Spanx on, come back out, grab some milk, come back in? Yeah, just come out in a T-shirt and a towel. T-shirt, because obviously his dick was sticking up from under the towel. Naturally. Not the worst when you got your dick hard when you're in like a bathing suit or towels you

can't flip it up anywhere you'd have your head popping up like the cover of jaws where he's coming out of the water you can't have your dick head popping out like that well yeah i think that's why i'm sore right now anyway go to cbdmd.com use the promo code kfc get 25 off your next order now this order can contain uh of the CBD oil products. That can be the capsules, it can be the tinctures, it can be the bath bombs and the lotions. Everything they can put

CBD inside of, they put in there. So CBDMD.com Use the promo code KFC for 25% off your next order. Voicemails, let's go. Hey, Fights, KFC, I'm super producer VC. First time, long time.

So I live in New York, and as you guys know, the train gets delayed all the time, and sometimes it's because someone has the fucking audacity to get sick on the train. And I thought, what do you guys think would be the appropriate punishment for someone who decides to get sick on the train. And I thought, what do you guys think would be the appropriate punishment for someone who like decides to get sick on the train instead of leaving and like causes subsequent delays for the entire fucking city.

I said that they should get a lifetime ban from the MTA, but I feel like in a way that's kind of like a gift because the MTA sucks. I also thought that maybe you should just push them onto the fucking subway track because I mean, like someone, we live in a society like someone with that much disregard for society like can't hold us back like that. Just wanted to know your thoughts. Thanks. I think you should push them on, like

not in front of the train, but it should just be like yeah, you have to walk through like the tunnels. And I promise you, you see like the mole people, you see the rats, you gotta worry about the third rail, you gotta walk all that distance. you ain't gonna get on the train when you're sick again i promise you that if that's the risk you run what do they mean got sick on the train i don't really think the train enough yeah like a lot of times they'll be like bing boom it'll be like they're like train delays because of a sick passenger at 34th street and it's like i don't

know if you're puking on the train i don't know if you're having a seizure i don't know what it is it's usually probably like a homeless person who's just like you know the fuck yeah it's like, I don't know if you're puking on the train. I don't know if you're having a seizure. I don't know what it is. It's usually probably like a homeless person who's just like, you know, the fuck. Yeah. It's just like, yeah, this person. This is a person whose life. And that's why I do think it needs to be a case-by-case basis where you can be like, all right, this guy. Just throw him on the fucking, right on the third rail. Like electrocute him.

Let's do him a favor. Yeah. Like if I'm getting sick, it's like, I don't know. This is some fucking contagion shit. I don't know. This is some fucking contagion shit. I don't know. This is a problem. This is an emergency. If it's like the homeless guy is convulsing and shitting himself, it's like, that's just

like, he's expiring. I watch him out there as rat food. I went to a bullfight in Sevilla. I hated it. Awful. I mean, that's... But the... No, thank you.

The bull towards the end of it is... Incontinent. Yeah. And he's pissing and drooling and dying. And that's basically what a homeless person is. Right. It's like life has stabbed you millions of times and you're just... Your body's just giving out.

And you had the audacity to do it on this train when I'm trying to get to work. So we should just open up the doors, throw you out by your pants. Die in a more convenient place, please. Seriously, right. Or, I mean, the people who decide to kill themselves on the subway, I don't know, maybe that's part of their plan,

like one last fuck you to society. Like, I'm going to cause massive train delays for everybody. Like, can't you just kill yourself, like, you know, in the bathtub like a normal person? Hang yourself. Right, come on. Just bother, you know, yourself and only yourself. Don't bother me with the bathtub like a normal person hang yourself right come on just bother you know yourself and only yourself don't bother me you can accidentally hang yourself is all you have to hang yourself all you have to do is like get the cards just

stand on a chair it's true all right i'm gonna get down whoops yeah how about those people who kill themselves hanging themselves from the doorknob that always that always that's a confusing one that um that you have to be like incredibly fucked up for, right? That's like the choking game, right? Yeah,

yeah. Like, that like puts pressure. Kids like actually killing themselves. Yeah, like puts pressure on like the blood flow

so you pass out and then you're just passed out with it around your neck. I think I just talked about a Criminal Minds episode. I mean,

as always, you're like a thousand for a thousand. Yeah, but I thought it was a real thing. Yeah. It was a TV show.

I don't think there was an epidemic. Usually those are based on reality. Was there an epidemic of kids hanging themselves while they're doing them? I don't know about that one. How about this? I don't know if this is an urban legend or what, but I feel like back in the 50s when kids were just dying left and right

inside of fucking refrigerators. Oh, yeah. What the fuck was that about? Yeah, because the lead locked in. Yeah, it would lock in, and then they'd be playing inside of it, and then it'd be like, oh, Timmy's stuck in there forever. And then what? They couldn't get anybody in there in time? I guess you'd suffocate pretty fast if there's no air.

But I feel like in the 50s, too, I feel like the aliens were on their way, you know, Roswell and and shit and then they found out that we were just dying inside of fucking refrigerators and they were like, never mind, let's get the fuck out of here. You gotta be a true dumb idiot to be dead in a fucking fridge. I had like a friend of a friend of a friend. So I don't know.

So I don't know how true this story is. But he got killed in a trash compactor. Oh, yikes. It was like they were fucking around in an abandoned building and jumped through, I don't know, I guess it was a parkour-type deal or whatever. Holy shit.

And his last words were like, do not come down here. And I was like, worst way than the fridge. Would you rather die in a trash compactor or a wood chipper? Chip. No, compactor. I feel like the wood chipper's more immediate. I guess it depends on

if you're head first or feet first. I would think that the... Yeah, yeah, exactly. If it's head first, you're dead, you're done. It's a scene for everyone else. Like spitting you out the back end. But if you're worried about yourself. It is a scene. It's right.

Can you imagine that? You just see, boom, boom, boom, boom. Well, there goes John. Those are nice sneakers. Nice voice mail. KFC, bye. So, go, BC. I have a quick question for you guys What would be a more uncomfortable situation

Let's say you're having a threesome With one of your boys Is it more uncomfortable if he Absolutely stinks at sex Or if he just completely Alphas you and just fucks like a porn star Let me know Well if the alternative is that he

Puts you to shame, I'd rather him have a little soft floppy dick and no performance at all. I don't want someone emasculating me. I would rather be emasculated than have to

emasculate someone. You know what it is? It's like regular porn. I need a hard dick hard dick if you're flopping around i'm probably flopping around too because a i don't want to outshine you b that looks gross c the whole thing the whole thing becomes real when you see your buddy like helicopter and his shit trying to get it up it's like oh wait a minute this is not like they do it in the movies at all it is one of those like i almost like to protect you i I want to be the bad one. Yeah, I feel you.

Because we were talking about it earlier, like, I will be okay. Yeah. I'll be like, yeah, I mean, it doesn't matter. You're a man of honor. You're a good friend. Like, yeah, it's, he's better at fucking than me. I'll survive. Yeah.

I am not under the guise that I am the best fucker on the planet. There's a very strong chance that two of the people in this room fuck better than me. Right? There are three. That would be funny if the people in that home were expecting, like, both usually Nick and Brandon. They're like, well, boy, somebody just got fucking shit thrown at them. I'm definitely better than that one over there. Yeah, I mean, I feel you.

That's, you know, you're a good guy. I'd be so awkward. I'd be like, it's okay, man. It's all right. Yeah, afterwards, I'd be like It's okay man It's alright Yeah Afterwards I'm just Like

So Yeah that wasn't All we expected That's how you always do it Yeah Yeah I mean at the same time I mean what would you do

If you were the guy And let's say You couldn't leave Like you had to like Participate Like it's Cause the thing is It feels like My cross country days And let's say you couldn't leave. You had to participate. Because the thing is... It feels like my cross-country days. You have to do this.

I know you stink at it. You have to. Right, right. You go ahead and throw down, and then I'll be over here. You can't do much, you know? I mean, I don't know what you do. It's much easier for two girls to perform on a guy at the same time. For sure.

Guys can't do things to girls simultaneously. I would just jerk off from bed. I'd be like, do not come over here. You're just like, I'll be like a cock. I'll just have a finger up my own ass. Hex, god damn. Voicemail. Imagine you're trying to fuck it.

I realized it wasn't working for me. So I just... I have a claim to one third of the bear. I am I am appalled I am appalled Do you think that you could fuck if I was just sitting next to you Putting a finger in my ass You sick fuck

That ruins it for a while Trust me Don't act like you're being the hero by doing that Cause that ruins everybody's time okay My ass. You sick fuck. That ruins it for us. Trust me. Don't act like you're being the hero by doing that. Because that ruins everybody's time, okay? Nobody's having a good time. Don't worry, guys. Christ on the cross.

It's okay. Don't feel bad. You guys are like, no, dude. We don't feel bad. We're fucking mad. My back hurts. Heavens to Betsy. Play another voicemail message. KFC, flight to producer BC.

I got a quick hypothetical for you. So would you rather every time you have an orgasm that every single person who's on the same roof as you gets an alert so either your kids oh you're in the place and they know that you're banging their daughter or uh would you rather have an intense butthole cramp for five minutes every time you nut. So I'm talking like leg-calf cramp kind of thing. All right. Thanks, bud.

That's what happens right now? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did I hear – I mean, you said butthole cramp? Yeah. Oh, I get those. I mean, those are two very – he said, you know, like your leg and your calf. I know Charlie horse.

What is a butthole cramp? Oh, you don't get like those shooting pains up your asshole? Oh! Yeah, I've gotten them. Okay. From what? I don't know. I don't know what it is, but who fucking hurts like a bitch?

Yeah, it sounds, I mean, my asshole feels great compared to your guys, apparently. Yeah, no, I mean, it's not a regular, no, it's not regular, but you just get a shooting pain up your asshole. Just randomly? Yeah. I think my mom's... Whoa, what? I think my mom's called him, like, poop cramps or something like that before when I was younger.

Like when you're trying to shit? Like when I was a baby, I'd be like, ah, what the fuck? Now it's just like, ah, okay. Wow. You've never gotten a butthole? I don't think so. Like, shooting pain up your butthole? No.

All right. Show off. I mean, that sounds pretty terrible, but I would rather, as always with these things, I'd rather endure the pain or have me see the bad thing or whatever. Orgasm, when everyone under the roof knows, when you've got kids and shit, is just not an option. I mean, kids, yeah. Just not an option.

Actually, it doesn't matter. If there's someone else who isn't your friend under the roof. Or like the girl you're with. And even that can be dicey sometimes. Like you go to the bathroom, jerk off, and your girlfriend's like, whoop, what's that about?

That's so annoying that girls would get mad about that. It's like, sometimes I just want to jerk off. I don't knock on you, you know? I just want to jerk off. I don't knock on you. I just want to sit on a bowl of poop and jerk off. This new version of you that openly talks about poop. Well, I mean, that's what it is. I understand.

No one flushes first. You just would never have said that six weeks ago and ten years ago. You've seen the light on poop humor, and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. It's a bad thing. It's a terrible thing. All right, last voicemail of the day is brought to you by Blue Vine. Running a business, it's enough of a challenge as it is, so securing extra cash flow, that shouldn't have to be. Through Blue Vine, you can get a line of credit fast, easy, and simple. There's a lot of unexpected events that pop up when you're running

a business that require cash on hand right away, and BlueVine can help you secure that cash fast by having an easy application system. You can apply online. It's easy. It takes just a few minutes and helps owning your small business be a little bit easier. The cash flow sometimes doesn't move at the speed of your business. Sometimes the money's coming in, but not till the end of the month, but you've got bills to pay currently, or the business is picking up, but you need cash on hand, and Blue Vine will help you secure that line of credit in just five minutes. It's hard to grow your business, especially when the cash flow doesn't match that growth, but Blue Vine is here to make sure that the funding you need for your business

matches up on time. You can get a line of credit up to $250,000, whether you need to offset upfront costs, secure inventory, pay that unexpected expense. It'll help you secure that for any reason. There's no fee to set up your line of credit. It never charges a maintenance fee or prepayment fees. And applying is easy. Just go to getbluevine.com slash KFC. Fill out a few simple details, and then you're done with your application in just a few minutes. Seeing an offer will not affect your credit score, so you don't have to worry about your credit dropping. By the way, your boy checked his credit the other day, and I was nervous.

I had been doing straight up the whole, I'm not even going to get tested for the STDs because if you do, you know. I have definitely had a few things go to collection. There was a few things when we split up that I didn't know I was paying, that I was behind on, and I was deathly nervous, and we're good. Where are you at? 7.13. What?

Yeah, I thought I was going to be in like the force 7 13 i i i thought it was a mistake i was like oh am i looking you know sometimes there's like a pop-up ad and it has like the the meter that's like yeah i was like is this an ad is that real is that like the one that's applying to me because i thought we were going to be in bad shape but i 638 but you don't you don't have credit what's that you don't like You didn't use a credit card for the first 30 years of your life. Yeah, I got a credit a year ago. Yeah, so you've got to have the credit to build the credit score. So how does it work?

I just keep... You just keep paying your shit on time. I don't pay it on time. I just pay it every time I use it. Yeah, well, that's even better. You'll get through the roof there. Well, I mean, what they really want... I feel like it was annoying for them.

He pays his bill six times a month. Well, yeah, know i i mean i mean it's not annoying because it's just like a business getting money but i i feel like what they what they want are the people who who let the you know the interest pack up rack up a little bit and then have to pay so you're actually probably bad in that sense but you're good in the sense that they know that you're like you pay your shit on time right away i i don't know what it takes to ruin your credit because i've done a pretty good effort i've put forth a pretty good effort the past couple years. So, anyway, you don't have to worry about your credit score

going down, and once approved, you can get your funds in as fast as 24 hours. Go to bluevine.com slash KFC to apply, and you'll get a $100 gift card when you take out a loan or open up a line of credit. That's bluevine.com slash KFC. Last one. What do we got, Nick? up a line of credit. That's bluevine.com slash KFC.

Last one. What do we got, Nick? Hey. Hey, guys. Listening to your interview with Jason Biggs, now he, I guess, didn't fuck a pie, but could be known by his buddies as the guy who fucked a pie. And I'm wondering, would you rather be known for something ridiculous that you did do or something you didn't do?

Would you want to be known as the guy who fucked a pie and everyone knows you as the guy who fucked a pie and you didn't even fuck a pie? Or, you know, maybe it's some girl or something like that or your friends say you sucked your own dick but you didn't. What

would it be worse if you did fuck the pie or didn't fuck the pie? Okay, so this guy sucked his own dick, but you didn't, what would it be worse if you did fuck the pie or didn't fuck the pie? Okay, so this guy sucked his own dick, right? This sounds like a convoluted question of like, would you rather be known as the guy who fucked the girl, but not fuck them, or get to fuck them and nobody knows? I think we all have always agreed that we would rather the people know than actually do it, right? But this is like the opposite.

The opposite of that. So it's like, I'd rather just fuck a pie. I mean, I... And not have everyone know than actually do it. But this is like the opposite. The opposite of that. So it's like I'd rather just fuck a pie than not have everyone know I fucked a pie. Right, but it sounds like it almost like everyone's going to know. Like Jason Biggs, everyone thinks he fucked a pie. So would you rather also have just had the experience? I never thought that was a real pie. No, I never thought that either.

I never knew. I asked him exactly how to go down. Yeah. But I didn't think he actually penetrated it. But I guess maybe the question is like, I don't know. exactly how to go down like yeah you know but i didn't think he actually penetrated it but i guess maybe the question is like i don't know i guess if i'm gonna if you're gonna if you're gonna if i'm gonna have that reputation anyway i'd like to know what it felt like like in general if if you're gonna be known as something you might as well have have the experience right yeah i guess that's true

because it is annoying to be known for something that you're just truly not right and it doesn't matter no i didn't i didn't shit my pants it's like well everyone thinks it is you might as well just drop a deuce i don't know like i mean i get i guess i don't know it's kind of a stretch like one way or the other i don't really care if that's your reputation that's your reputation but if there's some sort of weird taboo pleasure or whatever or experience or knowledge that can be gained by actually doing it. I guess if you're going to think I did it, I might as well have done it. I only lived once.

Yeah, I'd fuck a pie. I mean, I definitely would try to fuck a pie. I don't want people to know, so that's actually a good example. If people thought I did, I would like to know what it feels like to fuck a pie. Because maybe it's awesome. I fucked a bag of Vaseline once. Under a couch cushion. Zip lock bag? Yeah. Because maybe it's awesome. I fucked a bag of Vaseline once. Under a couch cushion.

Ziploc bag? Yeah. Yeah. Did you put it in the Vaseline or, like, against, like, the Ziploc bag? What?

Like, you put it, like, in the Vaseline? What are you talking about? Like, how'd you fuck the bag of Vaseline? You put Vaseline in a bag. And then you put your dick in the bag?

You need to put it in the microwave first. Naturally. But that doesn't feel like there'd be enough resistance or friction. That's why you put it in the couch. And then doesn't that just squirt the Vaseline everywhere? Yes. I didn't put enough Vaseline in it.

I didn't care. It wasn't great. I'm saying, is the bag sealed? Is the bag sealed? No. How the fuck else are you going to fuck a bag? Oh, is the vagina sealed, Kevin? I'm wondering if you're fucking the bag

with the warm Vaseline wrapped around you or you're fucking the actual Vaseline. No, it's fucking Vaseline. That doesn't feel like it would work. I only did it once. Did you cum? It wasn't. I mean, yeah. I'll fucking cum. I'll fucking cum all over this place. There is...

I promise you, if I make the decision to jerk off or masturbate. I'm coming. I'm a, I'm a billion for a billion. Bro, I've come home like blackout drunk, stayed up until six in the morning jerking off. I'm not going to fucking abandon the mission. No man left behind. I'll abandon the mission.

If I think it's truly like not worth my time. Oh, I have, I have. If I think it's truly not worth my time. Oh, I have. To the point of pain. I have. I mean, like, the most, probably the top three times I've sweat the most in my life were all just drunkenly trying to jerk off. I'm so happy. That was the last voice I had. I don't have to think about you.

Badass. Sweating over your own dick. Get out of here. What a President's Day episode this was. Shout out to Abraham. Shout out to George. Boy, we brought it for you on this one. Let's get into our interviews today.

God damn it. We've got... Let's start with Mike Cannon mike cannon actually because i don't want to give that disgusting of a lead-in to a real human mike cannon would appreciate that so mike cannon is up next uh in interviews like i said new york city guy real fucking piece of shit love him he's got a new special out now for free on itunes called life begins made man comedy seller what i say itunes yeah uh but he's got a comedy album coming out, which is all of the material from Life Begins plus an additional 25 minutes, I think you said.

So if you like Life Begins, you can also listen to the comedy album coming out on iTunes. Both of them are free on YouTube and iTunes, so go check it out. My Canada is brought to you by LetGo, the fastest growing marketplace to buy and sell locally. So I would say if John ever puts his couch on LetGo, the fastest growing marketplace to buy and sell locally.

So I would say if John ever puts his couch on LetGo, maybe pass on that one because there might be a mixture of Vaseline and other things on there. No, that was old. That was old. Oh, yeah, yeah. I haven't fucked my own. If my parents use the couch on LetGo. Don't buy anything from the Feidelberg basement.

You don't know what's going on there uh but if you're looking to sell or let go of any of your old stuff uh you can do so if uh you are looking to buy new things that are you know used secondhand but obviously at a better price and that are locally so you don't have to get them shipped from anywhere you can get them around the corner whether you're moving into a new neighborhood or moving out of your place, LetGo is the best place to buy and sell stuff that you otherwise couldn't afford or otherwise couldn't get an extra few bucks for. Whenever you're going through a life change, whether your family's growing, whether you're upgrading an apartment, downgrading, moving to a new neighborhood,

you're looking to furnish your place with new stuff, whatever that life change may be, before you go spending all this money buying new stuff. Why don't you check out, let go, because not only are you going to find some, some quality stuff that's not, you know, beat up too bad at a good price, but honestly, there's something about, you know, you might find like a, a cool piece. You might find a piece of furniture that's old school. You might find, uh, some clothes, some vintage stuff that you can't find anywhere. You might find some, some stuff to decorate that you can't find anywhere. You might find some stuff to decorate that you're not going to be able to find online now. So there's some hidden gems out there in the world and Letgo is the best marketplace to try to find them. You could be

moving sneakers and clothes. You could be moving furniture. You could be moving old gadgets and technology. There's something for everyone out there and there is a buyer for every seller and a lid for every pot. Go to LetGo where you can start living and let going today and start making that extra cash or getting that extra space. Live and let go. Download the app today.

Mike Cannon, let's talk to him. Mike Cannon is in the building. First ever KFC Radio appearance. Long time in the making. Yes, sir. New comedy special is out. Life begins.

You're doing the tour. You're making out with DeStefano. Life is fucking good, man. Did comedy special is out. Life begins. You're doing the tour. You're making out with DeStefano. Life is fucking good, man. Did you see the vid? Yeah. It was brutal because as soon as we both planned on that. Right. Because he was the first celebrity that they went to.

Which, by the way. DeStefano getting the celebrity. Was it Nick's game? Yeah. It was Nick's game. That's fucking big. I mean, that's no joke. It either shows how big DeStefano's gotten or how bad the Garden's gotten.

I don't know. A little bit of column A, column B. Everybody on our audience knows. I think Jesus still tweets that he's never sat in Celebrity Row. Listen, maybe it's just straight racism. I don't know. But Chris DiStefano goes to the next game. He's sitting next to Mike Cannon.

They put him up on the Jumbotron as like, welcome our guest. And these two start making out. Although the Jumbotron didn't catch it, right? No, no. A little bit of homophobia on the Knicks part. We lost nerve a little bit. I jumped in for the cheek. Chris apparently forgot it was happening.

Then he turned, grabbed my face. They catch me kissing his cheek. Then they cut while we locked lips. So you guys end up just kissing for nothing. For fun. Yeah, yeah. And everybody cheered, so that was a nice progressive moment. That's also, I mean, that's Chris's dream come true, because he's just a gay guy.

Yeah, yeah. Like, just come out of the closet to Stephanie. You're homosexual. That's where we first, like, we both got along initially, because we're like, oh, you used to play basketball. I used to play basketball. We're kind of gay. Yeah, man. Where are you on the kids' scale?

Me too, dude. That's a weird sport for me. I feel like almost you guys had to closet yourselves when basketball. Like, I played hockey and hockey just does a bunch of shit. Hockey, they just

suck your dicks. Oh, hockey, like, smacking dicks. Like, hockey's like everyone's kind of gay. See, I knew wrestling. In high school, the wrestlers would

hold us down and sexually assault us pretty often. Luckily, there was not a wrestling thing in my high school because I'd never want to meet a high school wrestler

They are brutal humans They are all the kids that got cigarettes put out on them When they were like nine Dad was like You're 12 years old It's time to cut weight What? You've got to get down to 38 pounds

Was that fruit stacks again, Daddy? You're riding a scooter with your garbage bag trying to lose weight. Hockey was fun, but basketball I always thought was kind of the, not the alpha males of campus, but like the straight ones. They wanted to think of themselves as the alpha males of campus.

It was like, yo, we're the basketball team. Hockey was like, ah, we fucking play with Texas. Well, I'm pretty homophobic, too, so I had to funny my way into gay. That's how we all got here. Of course. I played two years of junior college basketball, and I was, like, one of two white kids, and, you know, so that was a part of my life in high school.

Gay jokes and, like, you know, gay chicken, all that shit. But then you go into that environment and it's like, this isn't really cool anymore. So I had to kind of, like, make jokes up to the point where I'm like, guys, being gay is fun. And they're like, all right, culturally it's not, but we'll let you on the bus.

That's great. That's very funny. Yeah, so I mean, you and DeStefano know each other through work or you guys have been friends a long time or what? Through stand-up. Yeah, I feel like I'm learning this super gay fraternity that you guys have. a long time or stand up so we feel like i'm learning this like this super gay like fraternity that you guys yeah right yeah we started out we we did uh we did open mics together up at mocha lounge in harlem which was again like pretty much an all-black venue i can't imagine mocha lounge in harlem is not gonna be i think i threw a fit when they made me try

they tried to make me buy two drinks like i was an audience member and i was like yeah i'm on the show they're like you still gotta buy two drinks i was was an audience member. And I was like, yeah, I'm on the show. They're like, you still got to buy two drinks. I was like, I'm out of here. I'm worth more than this. But we had both. Because, you know, you notice each other. I noticed his stature. Yeah.

And he wasn't wearing a Marvel Universe T-shirt, which in 09, it was a complete nerd factory of kids with Asperger's that loved fucking comic books. So we just immediately, we were like oh you're wearing normal you're normal human yeah we're buds right immediately so that's he's a funny fucking guy man he's one of the most naturally funny and you just you gravitate towards him because he has this charm he's like unfortunately attractive yeah one of those buddies that you hang out with that you're like i don't even see it but you're like i I see it. You hate how many women love them. There really is some, you know, I'm learning the difference

between like stand-up comedy, like you can write great jokes, and like you're clever, and also just like when you're shooting the shit, there's the funny. He's got it. He can do it all. Yeah. I mean, I think you find it on this, right? Like in podcasting.

We've always said if you have a podcast you're you're gonna this interview is gonna go much better you might be the funniest fucking comedian in the world but if you can't like you can't run a bit right now just talk to me and be funny that's a very different kind of interpersonal ability and you just look down at your shoes for 30 minutes while you're trying to have a conversation that's where you're like oh you're a joke guy yeah you can do the and that's fine but yuckums and then we will never talk outside of the stage. We've definitely had a few. We do it with everyone we have on, with celebrities, everyone.

It's just so much easier if you have a podcast, which sounds like such a weird thing to say because it's not hard. At least I guess to us. It's not hard to just be able to talk and have fun with people. But some people just absolutely – like the joke is podcasting is easy. Everyone has a podcast. Right, right. But then you meet people who don't have a podcast and it's like, oh, you don't know how to talk.

You should have a podcast. You should figure it out. I mean it's just like just talk. Just why can't you talk? But people can't do it. And also a lot of them are not good. So if you have a podcast, that doesn't mean you're necessarily capable. Welcome to a pretty mediocre one, Mike.

It's called KFC Radio. But I found that if you had friends growing up, like if you had a close-knit group of boys or whatever, you can typically do podcasts. You know how to have the conversation. You know how to bullshit. The Sunday morning wrap-up of the weekend, if you were good at that, if that was a big part of your life in college,

then you're immediately proficient on a mic. That's very true, and I was just thinking that recently. Part of the reason why I even got into this and why it worked was because i was like it was like all my work and blogs were almost like an amalgam of my friends yeah he talks this way this is his story that's where he's from and i was thinking like does does everybody not have this like i feel like everybody kind of has a crew of friends but i i feel like mine is funnier than yours i don't know i think i was just fortunate to be around a bunch of like idiots who have like funny inside jokes funny lingo their own words their own style and i just fucking stole it from them it's the same it's the same thing with hip-hop right it's like most rappers aren't the

most hood guy in their neighborhood they're the poet yeah so they're watching the most hood guys and then they kind of take over that character persona exactly and then they write from that perspective where i don't know if i'm the funniest of my friends i have a friend named john who was like had the most traumatic childhood i've ever heard of in my life he's funny as fuck dude he's so funny why bro i got one father made him smoke rats out of his garage and beat them to death with a brick when he was nine years old okay he beats you i did one time no this is true this is true it wasn't like anything like that but we set up boom boxes because there was a uh a skunk trapped in like we put our trash barrels like down low and then i'm trapped in it so you blasted music if you like put i guess they're scared of like bass

so we set up like a bunch of bass. Did it work? Blasted it. Yeah, it worked. I don't know. It could have just been he got bored and left. It's like, not for me. I'm a trap guy.

He's like, yeah, I've been here for three hours, guys. The music finally worked. I'm out of here. How'd you find that information? My dad told me. He helped me set it up. I don't know where the fuck he found it. I think that might have been a Papa Feidelberg special. Like, I don't know. We're going to fucking play that rap music helped me set it up. I don't know where the fuck he found it. I think that might have been a Papa Final Works special.

Like, I don't know. We're going to fucking play that rap music. I hate it, too. Maybe the skunk does. The white part of a skunk hates it. He had all the weird things. We went bat hunting with tennis brackets, because I feel like that's how you catch, because that's how you get the sonar.

That is the best. Sure. That was, we chased it out of my grandmother's house. Whacking it with a tennis racket? The bat even came close to it. It's the sonar. That is the best. That was, we like chased it out of my grandmother's house. Whacking it with a tennis racket? The network even came close to it. It's the same thing. Like, it just left eventually. We were just running around with Prince rackets for a few hours.

So your house was, you were infested with skunks and bats, huh? The bat was at Nana's house. The skunk was at my house, yeah. I never had to kill anything, but I guess we tried to kill things. Your friend's just more proficient than me. He just smashed rats with bricks. Oh, dude, and when he was 10, I know this to kill anything, but I guess we tried to kill things. Your friend's just more proficient than me. He just smashed rats with bricks. Oh, dude. That's tough.

I know this is his story, but when he was 10 years old, his mom would have random friends and lovers kind of come into the house. And this one guy, Wiley, my buddy John, had to help him in from his car. And he was on ecstasy. He was fucked up. He was lurched on this 10-year-old's back. He carried him into the house house put him on the couch and like later that night his mom woke him up in an emergency and was like you gotta help me get wiley into the car he's gotta go to the hospital so he's like you know in his pajamas 10 years old helps him back into the car and then like the next day

he's just eating breakfast with his mom they don't speak about it. And then at lunch, he's like, what happened to that guy? And she's like, oh, he's dead. He's just a dead man now. He doesn't exist anymore. Yeah. Now he's like kind of processing that as an adult. Don't expect any presents from Wiley anymore. Christmas is over. That's fucking insane.

He'd be a great comic if he didn't care about money. That's pretty much it. So yeah, just like tell me all your jokes about dead rats and dead bodies and i'll put it into my act yeah imagine trying to make that relatable to people i love it because i come from a traumatic childhood as well but you know trying to spew that out at strangers who came here you know you know what was when your dad made you bash rats i mean he sounds like like a combination of literally charlie Mac. Charlie working. No, actually, it's just Charlie.

It's Charlie's mom would fuck Santa to get presents, and then Charlie has to kill... You're just boys with Charlie. Handsome and well-kept Charlie Kelly. Yeah. Wow. It's sick how much a traumatic life is a good thing in comedy. It's almost like, yes, she died. Now I got a great fucking bit. Yeah.

Since my special, I'm trying to develop all this new stuff, and it's painful. You go up on stage, and you give a new idea, and you think you struck gold in your mind, and you're writing it down, and then you realize that nobody has any idea what you're talking about. And I told a story about it. Me and my dad fist fought when I was like 19 and I was on steroids.

And he threw the first punch and I beat the shit out of him. So I like – my dad has a huge anger problem, right? It's just mentally ill. And I went to two years of junior college. And the deal was if I did that, I was able to go to any school that they could afford or any school that I got into afterwards. So I came home from visiting my then-girlfriend in Syracuse. I was like, I'm going to go to any school that they could afford or any school that I got into afterwards. So I came home from visiting my then-girlfriend in Syracuse. I was like, I'm going to go to Ithaca. I'm going to play basketball there.

They have my major. I know exactly where I want to go. My dad was like, absolutely not, SUNY. Like my parents were going through a divorce. It was just a tumultuous time. They were like – it was wild. So he just instantly, like classic Irish, gets wildly red, starts frothing from the mouth, doesn't know how to express himself in a communicative way yeah so he's screaming in my face he's 6-2-2-80 holy i'm 6-1-2-0-5 of straight d-ball

and my dad like i guess just didn't know and threw like kind of a lazy punch to my midsection and i guess i t-1000 knew this was coming chopped down on his forearm dead armed him and then like a right fielder throwing a third crow hop punched him right in his fucking pumpkin irish head then he like fell back and i ran out of the house didn't come back for a few days went to villanova got arrested for underage drinking everybody beats up their dad and goes and gets arrested the next day telling people this on a stage and they're like well we just got here from switzerland so this is horrifying i listen i keep i would keep working that bit man i think there's something there yeah don't let the switzerland don't let the swiss ruin it for you absolutely not i i'm in on

that story that must be fucking so hard though like i can't imagine getting on stage with the new ideas that you think that's like i would just never do it i know i just do it on a podcast and if no one laughs i don't know that's really that's honestly the main thing it's like there could be two billion people on the other side of this mic i don't have to see them right now i don't know if they if they like it they don't like it and half the time you're on a on a commute or it's like background noise when you're at the club and you paid money for a ticket and it's just like boom make me laugh funny man and they don't i feel like that would just that rejection would just fucking kill me you've done it a few times i did it i did it uh one time i opened up for josh wolf um we've done like live podcasts yeah the only time i've ever like been

on stage and done like this is my material um and it was fucking terrifying i mean it was i have yet to go back not because it was like it went i think it went well i it was definitely uh a little more it i said i felt like uh marty mcfly in uh back to the future when he plays johnny be good and the crowd's like it was a little bit much for josh wolf's crowd i was talking about like porn and jerking off and shit and they were like there chuckles, but I think they were like, whoa. And I was just kind of like, all right, my crowd would like that. I promise. I promise.

But even that, I feel like we're in a spot where if I were to do stand-up for my crowd, I feel like they would have already heard a lot of the stories and whatnot. But if I do it to a new crowd, they don't quite know it yet. So I'm kind of stuck in no man's land. Well, that's the thing. If you're going to do it, you kind of have to go into the shit yeah you have to do the open mics and that's that's one of the more painful things you could ever do ever because you're just looking at 13 comics who are waiting for their time to speak and they truly don't care right like you know even if you have credits or

anything or you know i used to when i first started doing okay on tv and stuff i would still go to open mics just to fill in my schedule and get time on stage and stuff and the looks nobody cares it was still the same like they probably care about not caring like they don't even want to give you the satisfaction of a laugh it's like they're going through like the they're in competitive mode grandma thing like so you don't come you don't laugh like i just do not want to laugh at anything this guy says so he quits his job and goes back to work like the regular world. I could never – and I also feel like – I mean, when did you start? I started in like for real 09.

I did a few – like a handful of open mics up in Rochester when I went to Geneseo. Right. And that was mostly me blackout drunk on stage. Just rambling. Yeah, just rambling. But still just having like – I mean, to start now for me in like my mid-30s, it's like, bro, you are so late in the game that I might be able to like craft something that works. But I'm like I can't be like a stand-up at this point. I feel like it's –

I mean you might be able to. I call it just like very daunting to start now. Especially with all you've got going on. Yeah. It would be weird to dedicate that much time to hell. Yeah. And I also feel like it's tough when like there probably is a certain expectation because people do know Barstool and know who I am. It's like, no, no, no.

I still suck at this. You got to treat me like I'm a fucking like 18 year old who's just starting. Yeah. Not a guy who has like a following already. So but those are all excuses. Like I could just do it and put my balls on the table and figure it out. But I'm being a pussy about it where all you guys just actually go through it. And that's I what would you think is more important being like funny or being like a masochist who's willing to put yourself through all the shit i

feel like it's like a coin flip almost yeah in terms of the business yeah in terms of the industry neither of those matter uh but i think i mean yeah funny is obviously you gotta be funny you gotta be funny but you also have to be able to take a punch and an emotional punch because I'm so personal in my bits. Like it's really about me and it's about my life. So if you don't like my jokes, you don't like me personally. I know that feeling. That's why bombing still – I'm 11 years in. It still hurts to this day.

You don't like me as a human. Yeah, this room full of people made a concerted joint decision that they are not a fan of me from my bones down i i mean i i definitely feel that where on like a lighter level like there are guys here who kind of have like a persona or a character and so if they don't like that it's like whatever yes but here it's like hey you you guys do that too right it's like no no man that's just you you're a fucking weirdo and you have weird – your actual being, your person. No, not for me. I know.

I almost like – I admire Jerry Seinfeld for being so disconnected from his material. You know what I mean? I mean he's a borderline sociopath as it is, but his material is just jokes, jokes. And he's always said in interviews, he's like, if this one doesn't work, then I go to the next joke. Like he doesn't take it personally i'm so personal with the bits that i take it as an affront and i'm such an asshole used to be athlete that i'm like i'll fucking fight you right now yeah that would that would weigh me that would weigh me down forever yeah like i always say that with like just like with like Twitter replies and it's like oh this is hilarious hilarious hilarious

we get 500 of those and you get one and like I didn't really care for it I'm like oh well son of a that's all I think about so if a whole room decided we don't care in real time like right away you get immediate feedback I would break down weeping on stage and that's like not even a joke I guarantee you

that might play too by the way I'd start crying I'm 99.9 sure i would love to see that i would be confused it would it would be a full mental breakdown on yeah yeah there would be confusion there would be anger there would be weeping i'd hit all the fucking points stages yeah it would be like i said i would just lay there crying until someone came and got and there's part of that that happens yeah i remember in college dude and this is like kind of in comedy, kind of not.

Like I would do an open mic and it wouldn't really even be about that. I was just going through so much family turmoil. It's like therapy on stage. Yeah, I would unload on a crowd. It would go fine because, you know, Rochester, you could talk about piss and shit and just crush.

And they're like, that is relatable. Genius stuff. But then like, you know, you go through your head and you're going, you know, what am I doing? You know, who do I think think i am and i'd be back at my dorm in geneseo and then i just take a walk onto the softball field and straight up just throw hands at god i would just shadow box the wind and be like how dare you i'm probably this is the worst moment of my life it's most sad i'm funny it is i mean i feel like in some ways, comics have the thickest skin, but in some ways, they're the most emotional, too.

Yeah, this is my work. This is my craft. Shut the fuck up. You want to know how much comics don't have thick skin? Every single blog about comedy gets the most traction because of comedians. We're the only people that spread it. We are our own worst PR agents because anytime somebody's like, this type of comedy is dead and you can't say this, we're like, how dare you?

There's a link to that in my opinion. Shut the fuck up. Just drown it with silence and nobody will ever see it. Very true. Very true. I feel like the special – you just kind of took matters into your own hands, right? Threw it out on YouTube. The Schultz model.

Yeah. I mean he's proven it uh possible i feel like um it's only a matter of time before i don't know i can't i can't decide whether you know like schultz was very like fuck him i don't need him i'll just do it myself but then all of a sudden you know when the offer comes in and the money's right he's gonna come and do it you know of course it's very easy to just say i know the money he should have taken that is money anybody would agree to it's very easy to just say, like – And I know the money. He should have taken it. That is money anybody would agree to. It's very easy to just be like, you know, I don't need you when they're not offering. Of course.

But then when they are offering, you're like, okay, well, I don't need you. Which is the situation I'm in because I'm an 11-year – not veteran, but I'm an 11-year working comedian at this point that I've already put out an album. It did well. It went number one on iTunes. It got on the Billboard charts, all that stuff. So I'm constantly looking for a new thing and a new way to showcase myself to people that aren't familiar with my work. So Comedy Central wasn't offering me a half hour.

None of the networks were offering me any time, 15 minutes on Netflix, none of that stuff. So with all that's available to us, I'd be an asshole not to film my own thing. Obviously, there's the risk of being oversaturated in YouTube. There's going to be specials galore on that thing, but hopefully the good ones rise to the top and people share the good shit as opposed

to just hate watching other stuff, which I'm guilty of doing. A half hour's a long time to hate something too, though. Oh, I've done it. I've watched a recent Amazon special that uh that i just watched the full hour and was just melting down while my six month old son was staring at me just like all right i guess this is who's watching me i'm gonna fist fight this guy one day

i have uh i fell off with the hate watching stuff i fell off with hate follows i fell off with the hate watches i don't think it means i've matured or anything like that but i think i just got almost like what you're saying with the drowning of silence i'm like i'm just not gonna watch it i'm just not gonna get not gonna engage in it there were there was a time there were like eight years where it was just everyone i followed i didn't follow anyone i liked on twitter i hated every single person i followed on twitter and i've finally grown out of that a little bit i don't think it helps with anything but that is a hilarious what i'm doing right now gift if you're like the fat jewish but for hate aggregators you just put out everything that's your meme account for hate yeah oh this guy sucks that's what jack mac is here now yeah outing everybody he's just

like be mad at this person yeah mad at that person listen there's some value in that oh yeah especially now yeah there's a lot there's a lot of people to hate people want to flex their rage because it's happening um it's it looks good though like it you know like it's shot yeah yeah my buddy cameras oh yeah we had six cameras i think we ended up using four but uh my buddy uh mike lavin the homeless pimp on instagram he uh he i pitched him this idea because the whole thing was kind of a concept right where i i got into this comedy cellar in a very bizarre way i was actually with chris de stefano we were having dinner uh with his daughter and he was supposed to open for colin quinn while he was working out red state blue state i'm sitting there with him liz the

manager gets a text that colin suffered a heart attack so she looked at me i've never done a set at the cellar she was like can you do 30 minutes? And I was like, yeah. Like, okay. You know, instant panic attack. I was going to say, you said yes, but on the inside, you're like, oh, fuck. I almost said no. I almost was like, because I actually just came off having a panic attack in Long Island before I, like, I went on stage while I was having one. I felt the pressure on my chest.

More up to that. Yeah. Tunnel vision, like, all the vertigo. And I had to do an hour in – what's the one way out there? Whatever. Bohemia, Long Island. And it went well enough because I just Irished all the shit. I was going to say, you know that was in your DNA.

Yeah, of course. You shouldn't do it, but you were like, I got this. Yeah. And so I can't even lay in bed having a panic attack, let alone get up there and fucking perform. That's impressive. It was tough, man. But you know the bits so well that I can kind of get through autopilot of an hour. But so I just came off of that.

I almost said no. I said yes. Chris and Rich Voss ended up going first. I don't know if they were doing it as a favor or if they're so comfortable with the club that they're all trying new. Like, they didn't care. They're throwing out whatever the fuck. And then I went up and did every A joke I've ever written in my entire life through fastball after fastball.

And just I had such a good set that they sent it to Esty the Booker, who is a terrifying, powerful woman. Yeah. And I ended up getting an audition like two months later. So it was still a really long wait period. Got, you know, the panic leading up to that, the panic of the night, the panic during the set. The whole thing ended up doing well enough that I got into the comedy cellar. And so I pitched that idea to Mike Lavin that I wanted to tell that story because it was new enough. The comedy cellar is obviously filmed and spoken about and crashing, Louis, all that stuff.

But it was personal enough and different enough where I wanted to talk about it and also include five of my heroes if we could get them all interstitially talking shit about me because the the premise is now i'm at the cellar now i'm at the table and i'm performing with these guys that i looked up it was very self-aware like the beginning where you're like your friends like yeah i i know yeah man you told me before like keep telling the story but i mean it's a fucking awesome story i would tell it to everyone i ever counted like how many is mike did you hear like so i don't blame you but it was it was a well done like let me get this in but be aware that i told as many times before and that's the thing with comedy now is a lot of it is very cool you know it's especially mainstream it's kind of i call it sneaker comedy is people are wearing cool bomber jackets and awesome sneakers and the

jokes are like fifth on the list right so i wanted to put something out that was you know self-effacing it uh it included Colin Quinn Jim Norton, Bobby Kelly, Keith Robinson and Rich Voss, I basically had a tough crowd reunion on my special which is wild and they all instead of saying they respected me went straight to camera and spoke vitriol and hate

Colin Quinn initially being like yeah it's just because I have a heart attack he owes me everything him saying I thought the worst part of my career was turning down mike myers for austin powers but it turns out it's getting you into this club did he really do that shit yes he was supposed to play dr evil no way yeah mike myers offered and then mike fires was like fuck it i'll just do it myself i think yeah i think so i was like i gotta write crocodile dundee, too.

God, that's a bad. There's always those stories. That's a bad miss. Because usually it's like, I remember Will Smith was supposed to do The Matrix. But he turned it down, but he's still fucking Will Smith. I think he did Wild Wild West. Right. He probably still made 20. Yeah.

But not that Colin Quinn doesn't have a great career. But if you're getting that Austin Powers trilogy type money after him. You never have to do anything again. Yeah. You can do whatever you want. Mike Myers hasn't. Yeah, yeah. That's true.

Mike Myers is proof you do not have to do anything else after that. He's like a love guru and then was like, I think that's enough. You just did Shrek. You just read scripts

for like 10 hours. Oh, right. But Shrek is, you know, five minutes of work. Another thing at Prince Money. He did? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right.

I mean, he's very, it's a very tiny role in it, but he's the one who sends fucking, what's his name, Fassbender? Oh, yeah, yeah. He's got a very tiny role in it, but he's the one who sends what's his name, Fassbender? And he was in the Queen movie. Alright, so he's on a bunch of fun work. Big shout out to Mike Bohemian Rhapsody. He's doing alright.

A couple Oscar winners. Still working doing massive movies. But you don't remember it right away, to be fair yeah we had to dig so that night why uh de stefano and uh vos like they were like veterans veterans there but like yeah they're both so comfortable in their spot there but they're just not enough time like they still needed you to fill in because i was wondering why like de stefano wasn't like all right i'll just fucking do my hour

or something like that i think he had just filmed filmed his special and his daughter was with him. So he was like, I'm going to do 20 and get the hell out of here. And then, yeah. And I guess like Liz, you know, offered me the thing and was like, well, you know, still do time, you know? I mean, that's got to be, I wonder, you know, they had to have known that you're competent, right? Or you think they were like, yeah. This is my whole thing with the comedy seller is I treated it with reverence and I wasn't a lingerer, which I think may have done me a service. Because there's a lot of people, a lot of comics that are seen not working hanging out there.

So they're there from like 3 p.m. writing and ordering everything on the menu and nobody ever sees them do spots. But they're hoping that somebody's going to notice them, recommend them, and then get them. Have a heart attack. Yeah, drop dead. I feel like you don't give Chris enough credit in this scenario. You owe Colin Quinn's shitty heart and Chris's shitty ability to wear a condom. Right.

Like, hugely important pieces of the story. If his daughter wasn't there, he's probably like, all right, I'll just do my whole set. I mean, Chris, the pull-out game. Thank you you thank you to the seven o's pullout game i used to open for chris on the road and i was this is while he was with his his baby's mom and i was basically his pussy sober coach like this was during guy code days so like girls were like chris and i'd be like heisman in them out of the way just trying to keep his dick dry keep him off that drip yeah exactly the comedy seller is i mean i feel like trying to keep his dick dry. Keep him off that drip.

Yeah, exactly. The comedy cellar is, I mean, I feel like trying to get in there is almost like trying to woo a girl where it's like you got to be aggressive but not too aggressive. Don't be there too long. Like be confident.

But you know what I mean? It's like a whole dance that. It's crazy, man. Esty sounds just like, she's a goddamn comedy terrorist. Like she just holds your fucking feet in her hands and she's having a bad day right i was like oh no i can't believe it she's the best woman in my life but yeah i mean she she's the dawn yeah you know what i mean she's the dawn of new york comedy so that's why like you see her and there is so much power

and energy almost emanating off of her that you can't help but be like like a little shit was she a comic herself or she just knows she was an israeli soldier see all right so she's an actual terrorist i don't even know if you're kidding her she's from israel and it's mandatory for them to serve yeah so she you know she's as tough as nails man and she doesn't she knows what she likes she goes after it and she doesn't she doesn't give a fuck but she must have had like she has some taste in comedy or she's as tough as nails, man, and she knows what she likes. She goes after it, and she doesn't give a fuck. But she must have had some taste in comedy, or she just put on what she wanted. I mean, she's been there forever. Or happens to align.

Yeah, she's been there forever. Manny Dorman was the original owner. Noam is his son, who is now the current owner. And she's had these relationships with everybody for decades at this point. And I don't know if she learned on the fly, if she had any kind of comedy background to enter into that position. owner and she's she's had these relationships with everybody for decades at this point and i don't know if she learned on the fly if she had any kind of comedy background to enter into that position but she just had an affinity for liking and looking at comedians and organizing spots based on you know a variety of interest skills and all that stuff because yeah you know you can't put

seven people with the same exact act right on the because it gets stale. And that's how your club ends up going under. So she knows who to pick, who to position in certain spots on the show, and what they talk about so much. I mean, they have 11 to 13 shows per night on the weekend. Jesus Christ. And she's coordinating 15-minute spots for all those shows. It's crazy. That sounds exhausting.

Yeah. I mean, I would be on so much Adderall if I had that position. I would just have orange rims of my nostrils just being like, who's up now? So you mentioned the six-month-old. Yeah. Congrats. Thanks, man. You're in the thick of it right now.

Poke and cum, yeah. I know that game, man. You had told some story. I saw it on Instagram. I think you were on maybe Francis' podcast or something like that? game, man. You had told some story. I think I saw it on Instagram. I think you were on maybe Francis' podcast or something like that. Oh, yeah, how it happened. Yeah, you were joking about it, right? You were like, I put a baby in you, and then she called a day later.

Yeah, you did. My wife and I have been having sex since we were 15 years old. So we've known each other since we were in elementary school growing up. Our main objective up until 34 was to not have this happen. Right, right. You've been angling against this. Yeah, dude. Our whole life.

And even in marriage, we were both like, she owns her own business. I do this. We're trying to find that impossible area of stability when it's right to have a kid. It just doesn't exist. So we're having the conversation. We're talking about it. We're unsure. We're not going to be mad if it happens. We're not going to be mad if it doesn't. I'm about to go to the

Middle East to perform for the troops. And that whole week, I was stealing valor, especially in my house. I mean, I am marching around my apartment just being like, I'm a goddamn hero. And I'm going over there to the troops. And I'm overseas. Honestly, as a non-troop, I think you earned it. Hell yeah. I'm like, yeah, I'm fucking gorgeous. I'm going to the Middle East. I'm going to-troop, I think you earned it. I was like, yeah, I'm a fucking corset. I'm going to the Middle East. I'm going to a war zone.

I'm a fucking hero. Goddamn right. And so, of course, we have sex the night before I leave. And as a joke, as we're having sex, because apparently I can't take anything seriously, I hold it in, drop a batch right in her, and literally as I'm coming say, I'm deploying. Like smack her on the butt, tell her to hold it in and like walk to the bathroom and then two weeks later or 13 days later when i came home she was like i'm pregnant you did it yeah yeah actually deploy and of course she waited till i smoked pot for the first time in two weeks so i am on jupiter and she's like by the way i

feel weird i think i should take a pregnancy test. She didn't tell me anything and I was like, okay. So she went in the bathroom, took this piss test. She jumps in the shower immediately, which I found to be odd. And then from the shower goes, all right, it's probably ready. Check it. And I look and I pick up the test and it's like,

it's not just a red plus, it's like carved with a knife. Like it's so positive. It like might as well have said the gender as well. And I'm just like, you know, not just a red plus it's like carved with a knife like it's so pregnant it's so positive yeah it like might as well have said the gender as well and i'm just like you know in my head i'm so high that i'm like make sure your face looks positive and i was just like oh my god we're pregnant she's like what and i'm like what is my face doing i'm looking at the mirror and she's like what do you mean i'm like we're pregnant she's and then i pulled the curtain and she's like what the fuck are you doing i feel like that's extremely rare for the guy to see the test before the girl yeah so i'm like no we're pregnant she's like you're

not mad or sad or worried and i'm like i'm all of those things are you fucking crazy yeah i was like no this is great like i'm so excited she's like good because i took four pregnancy tests two days ago and they were also positive so she's just been holding in this secret as i'm off in the middle east while i was making jokes about catching you know a shrapnel to the chest and potentially dying whoa and yeah she was holding my seed that whole time i the my second kid uh i remember we we went uh, like CVS and she was getting a test, but she also came back with like a bag of Doritos of fucking, you know, it was almost like a sitcom, like a jar of pickles or this or that, you know, thing.

And I was like, put the fucking test away. Like, you know, let's save the $20. We're going to need it. Cause I think I know what's going on here. God damn it. I mean, juggling, too, that's also what would probably make stand-up really difficult. You're so busy as it is. Yeah, I mean, nights for you are obviously a shock, right?

I'm out, yeah. So, I mean, I'm lucky in the sense that because we both have flexible schedules. So during the day, you know, on non-promotional runs like I'm doing right now, I'm typically home with my son all the time, it's great i love doing that because then i get the outlet of at night i get to talk shit about him yeah it's fantastic people don't realize that yeah you need to talk shit but then being on the road it's like there is a you know i'm sure you feel this there is a real internal pull back home i mean i used gotta get back. I gotta get back. Like, I mean, I used to love the road. I used to booze all the time and wake up with a panic

and restart the end, you know, restart the whole thing. Now I'm like, I haven't drank in like 14 months. So I started as like in solidarity with my wife and now I just enjoy being thin and not hungover.

Honestly, the hangovers for me, I feel like were the point where I was just like, I just don't want to feel like this in 12 hours when I'm done drinking. Yeah. I'm just, I can't do it anymore. It sucks.

I'm still smoking pot pretty regularly. Don't get me wrong. I mean, everyone needs substance of some sort. I'm abusing other things. I can't feel everything. I mean, if you are 30 plus, stubborn Irish Mick, you can't do it naturally. I was wondering, I was wondering if that was like,

this was gonna turn into an intervention on me real quick. No, if it's new, it's all of us. You were about to flip it into like a, yeah. No, I just,

I don't know about other, other, you know, groups and how they handle it. But you know, in the beginning that like, I don't, I don't think I realized, like, the Irish suppress

all your details and feelings until, like, I went through some shit. And then I was like, oh, now I get it. Because there was nothing to surprise. There was nothing to... Life was good. It was easy. Right. And now it's like, now there's some things, like, oh, I'm not going to speak about that

to anybody. Yeah. I'm going to just put that down into my toes and just fucking live. I'm going to walk around with tears constantly on the lip of my lips. Ready to go. Yeah. Ready. Lip quivering just ready for the levees to break the amount of times i've walked around seventh ave just been like why am i crying new york's beautiful with that man i i see it it's not like strangers crying overly regular but like people walk around crying straight back like not like trying hide it, not anything, just

straight back, staring right up, looking you in the eye as they weep. And I'm like, I love that. Shout out to you. That's fucking beautiful, bro. Good for you. It's like an interactive billboard for depression. Yeah. Everyone I walk by is going to get this this so i'm not even gonna try and

hide myself i'm just gonna cry walking down this yeah oh the worst is running i mean i get recognized very seldomly but i have been recognized while crying in new york which is a tough thing i also have in common with chris because chris went through a really rough breakup once and he's just like you know head down hysterically crying this big oaf of a brooklyn douche and he's walking around new york and some guy goes guy code to stefano and he looks up and the guy goes oh shit dude man it's not normal it's not normal we just laugh about it none of this is normal we should not be walking around crying but here we are here we fucking are man so what's next you said you're working on new material.

Yeah, I'm working on new material. That's got to be – I think that would also be the hardest part for me. It's like you – I mean how long were you working on Life Begins? How many years were you working on that material? So I was ready after like 14 months. I had an hour and then my wife got pregnant and I scrapped like 20, 30 minutes of it. So I – and most of it was like i'm not ready for kids i'll never have kids like if i ever have a kid i will take my own life i'm like well

clearly this this stuff is no longer that one day it's like right from the jump street you made my life harder i had to do extra work as soon as you were conceived you little motherfucker exactly so it took me like but still i mean the fact you know you work on something for 14 months yeah and you put it out and yeah maybe you get good feedback and maybe it opens some doors whatever so it's not like all for nothing but the sense that it's just like that's okay that's done yeah now let's start it the fuck over like soda dan soda said it the best where he's like it feels crazy it feels like you built a house then you knock it down and you have to build a house right where it was right it's It's like, it's, it's both, it's both great and depressing and anxiety inducing. And it laid it like,

you know, it's exciting to go up with no idea if stuff's going to work and having a new bit that actually functions is probably one of the best highs you could ever have as a comedian. I know that it works. And it only lasts for like two weeks because then once it starts really cooking, you're like,

well, this is too easy. Fuck that. I have to write something new that actually, you know, makes me feel again. I got to get that crying on Seventh Avenue vibe going again. Until then, it's nothing. So now it's like I'm glad I threw out that material because my second hour would have been kind of a similar note to my first.

I wouldn't have grown that much. I would have been married for a little bit longer. I would have still been in the thick of drugs and boozing. But now my life has kind of evolved where hopefully as I'm writing these bits and I'm auditing my own childhood, I don't know if that made you do that, but having a kid

and realizing that it's my responsibility to teach him and mold him and hopefully protect him from certain traumas, expose him to others and just to make him interesting. You you got to make sure you're funny so exactly yeah we're gonna scare the shit out of you at some point but like it's made me kind of go through my own childhood with a fine-tooth comb and i find myself writing about that for the first time yeah so it's been it's been pretty therapeutic and a learning experience and horrifying all at the same time yeah i know

i mean and you said earlier like there's no right time. There's no I'm ready. You know, like you might think you are and then you get thrown into it. Yeah, I think as soon as it happened, I was like, I switched, like my gear switched, you know, because I'm an irresponsible ass. I think my whole life I lived for me and, you know, my wife and I, we've been together for such a long time, but she's known me since i was 10 so nothing i could do could shock her or surprise her and she just knew what to expect i

don't think she expected me to be a grown-up right that quickly as soon as she told me she was pregnant i was i was good i was ready so it turns out you need like something to push you you know yeah because you always can be like all right next time next time i think i think that's what that's your last resort like that's where i'm at we're like if i had a kid just to feel something that's a mistake i had a buddy text me who he just had a kid and he like texted me the picture and it was he's like it's so awesome to have this like i don't worry about anything anymore i'm not worried about like saving money i'm not worried i mean i'm not worried like i didn't save money or didn't save a ton of money you know i'm not worried about anything else. I'm not worried. I mean, I'm not worried that I didn't save money or didn't save a ton of money.

I'm not worried about anything else other than the fact that I just love this kid unconditionally. I'm like, man, that's really beautiful. But I feel like that's a big risk for me to take. That's a big limb to go on. I'm like, I'll probably love this thing. I'll probably have a big shift. But maybe I don't. Maybe my brain doesn't switch and that kid's dead in like two weeks

and I'm in trouble. Then you find out just an unsettling thing about yourself. You're like, wow. I am actually a Vegas pizza shit. That didn't bother me at all and now I'm going to jail. That gamble would not pay off. You say that.

I'm not saying it definitely would happen. I'm just saying pretty good chance. Pretty good that. I'm not saying it definitely would happen. I'm just saying pretty good chance. Pretty good chance. I love how you're like, the odds are in its favor. More probable than not. If my 31 years of past life are of any hint towards it,

I don't know. I don't know. Heaven fucking help us, man. Alright, well, so Life Begins life begins is special it's on youtube mike cannon comedy on youtube just search it or my social media at i am mike cannon we appreciate it man thanks so much thank you very much hell yeah all right big thank you to mike uh just uh you know one of the guys really and go check out his uh his answer the internet which was about as honest and and

raw as it gets so you can catch him on youtube and make sure you subscribe to answer the internet and check out all of mike's stuff he's on uh all social media i am mike cannon next up is alfonso ribeiro uh you know miss carlton and we had a very interesting talk about you know what it's like to have an iconic character like that anytime Anytime we've been blessed with the opportunity to talk to any of these people from TV and movies who have a very memorable character, I always try to find out whether they are happy

that they had this role, whether there was any resentment about being typecast. It seems to be a 99.9% pro. Right. Where they come around. There was a stage in their life where they weren't. Right. Alfonso, I don't know if he's coming around. But at the same time, he was also the first one who did not come around on it,

who I actually understood and sympathized with. Because usually the people who don't like it kind of come across as entitled or bratty, or it's like, come on, man. This is why you're rich. This is why you're famous. This is why people know you. You should be happy about this. And Alfonso put it into a context where I really, for on, man, this is why you're rich. This is why you're famous. This is why people know you. You should be happy about this. And Alfonso put it into a context where I really, for the first time,

thought otherwise. So some interesting stuff. And we got pretty deep about the industry and how we were towards the end of the interview. Oh, yeah, we got to make note of this. So unexpectedly, we end up talking about racism in the entertainment industry. And a very interesting point, again, by Alfonso, talking about how you can write a script that includes only white people and it doesn't get viewed as racist. It gets viewed as like creativity.

And so it's kind of again, though, like I said it to an extent and maybe push back a little bit. It's not really racist. You're not like if I if I wrote if I wrote a show, if I wrote a Seinfeld where it's about your experiences, there would be tertiary black people. Right. But I'm not very close. But that was his point was that you could change one of those characters to become a black guy, and it wouldn't really change your story. Right. And it would give a black actor or somebody like that an opportunity.

So there was a lot of interesting points, points again that made us think a different way but us being two privileged white guys who are not really qualified to speak about the industry to begin with or race relations to begin with we didn't know what to say i believe i said that's interesting because and it was it was interesting but i said that's interesting like 20 times and the reason that i realized i was saying that is because you kept saying something like oh that's cool yeah you had your own one okay okay you had your own thing and i was like boy john keeps saying that oh wait i'm saying my own thing over and over again too so two white guys uh reacting like i also don't regret that.

I mean, I'd rather that than speak up and say something idiotic. You can just let someone tell their story. You don't have to push back on everything. Alright, that's what he thinks. At one point, I literally sat away from the microphone because I was like, I'm just going to not say anything one way or the other.

Interesting stuff and two awkward white guys, as always, here on KC Radio. Let's talk to them. Have you ever been interviewed by a guy in sweatpants still sweating from working out two hours ago? Because what's up?

I think that's cool. Listen, radio. Come on. That's the beauty of it, right? Yeah, there's cameras but not really. What's the worst interview you've ever had?

Oh, I don't know. No clue. I was going to say, there's time. Hope you guys don't reach the top. There have been typically phoners are some of the worst

ones because you get someone who's just not connecting and they just have their questions and it's not a conversation. It's like, I have my questions. No matter what you answer, the same questions come in. Coming next, right? And so those to me are always just the worst.

And when the guy doesn't really, or girl doesn't even know really who you are, like they got... I mean, that's gotta be pretty tough for you. Most people know you are. It happens. You're a mega celebrity. Trust me, it happens.

I grew up with it. I can't say it was the worst interview, but it's like one of those things where you go, the guy has no clue really who I am. It's just someone gave him the sheet of paper with the questions and is just asking it. And then they go off book and they try to ask a question that you're like, that doesn't sound to me. Where's that question coming from? You don't even, all right, let's get this done quickly. That's basically what you end up doing. It almost is nice where it's like meeting a girl.

You're like, oh, this isn't going to work. We'll give it two weeks or so, but I'm not going to get too invested in this one. And literally you're just answering the questions. You're doing the quick version of every answer to get it over with as fast as possible. Well, I mean, it's a shame to hear that. Anybody would do that with you because you've got such a great career and a great story to tell.

You're going strong, man. Things are pretty good. We're talking, you know, how many years in show business now? 40. 40? Holy shit. You also look good for your age then, bro.

I would have guessed you were 40. No, no. I've been working for guessed you were 40. No, no. I've been working for 40 years professionally this year. Holy shit. Well, congratulations on that. Happy anniversary. Thank you. But listen, I love what I do.

I feel blessed that I continue to get to do it. So I keep it in the right perspective where it's like I know how lucky I am to be in this position to have a 40-year career and still know that I've got a lot more ahead of me. Do you feel like you have too much ahead of you? We talk about this all the time. There's a lot. There's so much time left. There's a lot of time left. You've worked for 40 years.

Aren't you ready to be done? No, come on. No, I need another 40. I see these reports in Time magazine that scientists are going to figure out how we're going to live to 200. Right. That means you're going to have to work for 120 years. That's the real question. Do we want to live that long?

Hell no. My wife keeps telling me all the time, she's like, babe, you have to live to your 100. Because she's almost 10 years younger than me she's like in that way you know like we die around the same time and i'll be you know around 90 and i'm like no pressure man i'm like first of all i don't want to be 100 yeah no way no way that can't be you gotta be like hey babe you heard of romeo and juliet right that might be a little young if you if. If you want to die at the same time, we can make it happen. There's a way. There is a way.

You know, I mean, listen, I'm not going to say a number because my wife will kill me. And it'll be today. So probably, you know, listen, 90-ish. Okay. You want that 90? 85, 90 max. Let's get to like 68 and we'll call it a day. No, no, no.

I got to go past that. I got little kids. Let's say you live to 98 or 90-ish. How long would you work? When would you start and just enjoy the fruits of your labor? I would say that I would stop working when I basically have enough money to live the rest of my life in the condition that I'm living today. You don't think you have that? No.

You need a better agent, bro. No, not yet. I live a nice lifestyle. I checked out the Instagram. I see a lot of golf on that. There's a lot of travel, and there's a lot of golf. You could live in my condition ten times over. My life.

Let me tell you what. I'll teach you how to live. I'll be like a survival expert for you. And it's like how you live in squalor. It's so easy. It's unbelievable. This man has two pillows that he's had for so long. He has to fold each of them in half and then stack those on top of each other

to have the width of a normal pillow. Yeah, we're going to work on that. He has two towels because it was one that was a beach towel that started to fray and he just ripped it in half. It's so easy. I'm like a coupon shopper. I don't even use those. It's just easy to live in smaller.

We should... You have a show. Yeah. Okay? There's camera one, camera two, camera three. Okay? even use those. It's just easy to live in smaller. We should... You have a show. There's camera one, camera two, camera three. Got all these mics. Bro, you can have more than one pillow. We ain't got to rip up the towel. You go and get yourself a second one. Alfonso, I want for nothing. I need

for less. It's a very easy life to live. I understand. I understand. I want for a lot and need a lot. That's why I'm going to have to work. I understand. I understand. I want for a lot and need a lot. So I don't, you know, that's why I don't have to work until, you know, I'm 85. I could quit tomorrow and be good. Really, it's about

enjoying. I will work while I enjoy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You kind of get sick of it. I'm going to reach a point, clearly, when I'm like, no, I'm really good at just going to play golf every day and live a simple life. And don't get me wrong, I don't live an extravagant lifestyle, but

the biggest reality is the production pays for this. I haven't bought a suit in years. Shoot, I couldn't even tell you the last time I bought a suit. Me neither.

What I do is, It's called good management Put it in your contract that when you get your suits After you're done That's what I was actually reading a GQ article On Larry David recently and he's heavily involved In the wardrobe design for Curb Because he wants to keep everything after He says like a lot of his

Clothes he wears still have LD labeled inside because it's from the set. Not him labeling, like, this is my sweatshirt. Right, right. Just from set. Right, right. There you have it. This has been on TV.

Do you think that transitioning to the hosting side of things gives you more longevity? I think it does, absolutely. I don't have to keep reinventing myself over and over again. I've created does. Absolutely. I don't have to keep reinventing myself over and over again. I've created a recognition that's me. I can do me

forever. There's never going to come a time when it's like, I can't feel this character. I can feel this character. Just do it. That's kind of what we do here. We just kind of like bullshit. So it's like, I can do it as long as they keep liking what I'm saying, but I can just do this forever.

You can do this job forever and never have to reinvent as long as what you're doing is enjoyable and stays great for the audience. And that's kind of the way I look at it. America's Funniest Home Videos is a show that people are going to love forever. Even the people at ABC is like, well, this show will be on as long as ABC is a network. And the show does well. I mean, two years ago, we were the only show on ABC to have positive ratings. Really?

That went up from the year before. Shit. And we're talking about Bachelor and all that. But all of the shows that were returning all had a negative dip the next season. We went up 7% and then the season after that, we went up 13%. Even with the advent of the internet and everything. Because if you wanted to see somebody get hit in the nuts or a funny video,

you had to go to AFV. Absolutely. Now you can. Now we go for you. But the difference is the fact that if you're a parent and you have your kids, do you want to just put them on the internet? You know you're getting the safety. You're getting quality videos that are going to be funny

that are not going to end up going down a road to a place that you don't want your kids watching. You get about three videos, that's it. Once you're on that one video, you're on the dark web. It's going in a different way. I put my kids on the iPad before and the YouTube

recommended I'm like wait what are you on YouTube it happens from Peppa Pig to some crazy shit real quick how did Peppa

become Peppa but it's I think that's a main reason for why their success it's also the number one co-watched show in all of television.

So co-watch meaning there are more people sitting down in front of the TV together watching it. It's family entertainment. Thank you for explaining that because I bet we were both looking at you so stupid. You could see it on our faces. I thought it was easy. I didn't mean to continue this sentence. No, I looked at your eyes and all four of them went blank. That was bad.

I was going to say that. That was bad. He was like, oh, I could see on his face, like, oh, I'm talking to dumb people. I don't know. I don't know. It's a TV term. But it's family entertainment, right? So people can sit down together, and it's that Sunday night.

It's at the right time of week, right? It's on Sunday night, 7 p.m. Eastern, where it's like before you put the kids to bed, right? You sit down before you get into the week again, and it's great family time. And a lot of people will come up to me who are fans of the show for years and new fans, and they're like, it's such a great time for me to be able to sit with my kids because where else can you watch a show on television that you want to watch, a 15-year-old wants to watch, a 6-year-old wants to watch, and a 95-year-old wants to watch? It's universal, man.

Yeah, watching people get hurt and do dumb shit and silly shit. It works. It plays. It always plays, and there's always a type of video for everyone. Right. Whether you're a guy who wants to see somebody get hit in the nuts. Right? You got that. Cute kid.

You're the cute kid, or the dog, or the cat video. Every show has it. We have the formula. They put it together, every show, and they give a little something to everybody. So it's an hour that you know you're going to enjoy when you're sitting there watching it with your kids. That makes a lot of sense. Now, one of the things we do here is we have weird hypotheticals, and

our caller is calling with them. Try to think of an America's Funniest Home Videos or America's Funniest Videos 1 that applies. Would you rather get hit in the nuts with a baseball bat or you're playing with a little baby and it pukes in your mouth? I don't even think

it's a question. I'm taking the puke all day. Because by the way, I'm taking the puke and then I'm puking. So I'm getting it out. But a bat to the nuts? Nah, man, I need this to work.

Is it my kid or is it someone else's kid? It's your little nephew. But a bat to the nuts? Nah, man, I need this to work. Is it my kid or is it someone else's kid? That matters to me too. It's your little nephew. See, I feel like your own kid, things get gross and weird. I'm not letting your kid puke in my mouth. Your own kid is whatever. Your own kid's whatever. Of course it gets a little harder when it's somebody else's kid,

but not that much harder because I'm still not taking a bat to the nuts. Like in no world am I ever choosing that. When you gave me that option, I was like, I don't care what the next one is. That's the one. I'm taking that because I don't know. We're not doing this. This thing ain't getting beat up. Not with a bat at least.

Not with a bat. Maybe my four-year-old might accidentally get me one time, but that's about it. That is another one we always have is is something where it's X amount of money or prison. And Kevin always jokes. I don't do prison. Whatever it is. Would you do a 10-year prison sentence for $10 million? I'm like, you know what's going to happen to me in prison?

I don't care how much money is on the other end. I'm not even the same man. My dad worked at Ossining at Sing Sing. That's no joke. He was a correctional officer up there. And yeah, no. No. No.

He said, my goal in life is to make sure that I am not there with my kids. Right. He's like, none of my kids are going to end up in here. Yeah. And I ain't ending up in there. Right. I don't care what kind of money you give me. I'll make money.

We'll figure it out. I'll work until I'm 90. I got 40 years. Aha! Keep on entertaining. Because I'm not going to sing-sing. No matter how much you're paying me. I've always found it so interesting.

I mean, I grew up on Fresh Prince. And I feel like that era had several characters that were massive that were like the nerd. From like Urkel to carlton to screech whatever right and i always thought it's got to be a weird dynamic where on camera you're like the nerd right and then off camera you're like you're a cool actor you're on the fucking number one show on tv and i'm sure i'm sure some people are still looking at it like you know like any show that's like you're looking at the character right so was there is there a weird dynamic when it's like,

yo, I'm a pretty cool dude and I'm on top of my game and I'm out there partying, I'm a young guy and then I go, yeah, I gotta put the sweater vest on when I'm on camera, but hey, I'm still... Well, the interesting thing about that is if you go to the 80s where, you guys are a little young, but there was a show called Silver Spoons that I was on.

I was the cool kid. So that was just three years before Fresh Prince. Oh, really? So it's interesting to me because I was like, what happened here? I was the cool dude, okay? I was the dude who was cool, and now I'm the most uncool dude? And how do y'all just forget that, right? It was difficult in the beginning, of course, because you're constantly kind of, you know,

reality TV has kind of changed the way we view people on TV. Like, it's all reality to the world now, right? That's true, right. So there are no more actors on TV. In movies, right? But in TV, like, people look at TV as if it's real life, right? Because everything else on there is real life, right? News, right?

News is entertainment now, right? Like, Fox and CNN and MSNBC. Like, those are entertainment programs, right? Like, Tucker Carlson isn't a journalist. He's a character. He is a character on a TV show, right? Like, some hate him. Some love him.

But it's a character. And it's entertainment. It's not news. So where does the line get drawn? If I'm watching Scandal on ABC, that's the president. How did this Trump dude become president when that guy's the president right like and like how did this trump dude become president when that guy's the president right like it's a weird thing that's out there in the world now because reality

tv exists in in a way that we don't know where those lines are drawn so when you are playing a character the world only sees you as that character if you did a good job right like yeah you always have like a badge of honor in a sense of like i crushed it i did such a good job, right? Yeah, you always have to wear a badge of honor in a sense of, like, I crushed it. I did such a good job, y'all actually think I'm a nerd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People are like, dude, dude, I'm going to play some Tom Jones, right? And you're like, I don't like Tom Jones. Tom Jones owes me money. That's not me.

I'm not that dude. I don't do that dance. That's not me. I'm not that dude. Like, I don't do that dance. That's not me doing it. It's a character that I created that dance for this character, right? Like, there's – It seems like it would be simple, but there are many people out there who can't grasp that idea. Walking into this building, there was a dude in the front who was like, Carlton!

Carlton! I'm like, dude, I don't respond to that because it's not my name. Right. If you call me Alfonso, I'm like, dude, gotcha. What's up, man? Right. It's interesting. I never really think about it like that, but the dehumanization of it where you're like,

I know Kerry Washington. I'm thinking back to Scandal. Right. But I still, I'm like, that's Olivia Pope. I wouldn't say it to her face, but if I see a picture of her, my head's like, oh, it's Olivia Pope. Right. And you don't think about it as an actual person.

I guess that happens with everybody. You're in the industry. Right. So you're a lot closer to that. But for the random person in Iowa, Middle America, right? They don't even understand how things are made. Like, how did it get to

my box in my house? There is a separation between the understanding of it all, whereas you understand it and still you think the character. It's like you think it and then you catch yourself. Right. That's how you know it. But that's also because I think

those lines have been crossed. So imagine for a second, and you asked this question about how difficult it was, right? So imagine this is my life. I did something so good like crushed it to where people won't let me do what i love that's being typecast yeah right like you're never going to be anything other than carlton to me and i've had people say literally say this to me right dude i don't like i know you're like you keep telling me your name's Alfonso. Dude, you're never going to be anything but Carlton to me.

And it's like, that's the most disrespectful thing that you could possibly say to me. But the reality is... But in a sense, isn't it like, again, can I say like a badge of honor? I mean, you had this iconic character. It gave you heights to your career. Yes, but no no because after it was

over i could never act again right like i did the show in the house right after with ll koojay right after fresh prince right and it didn't take off because it was like that dude's not carlton right right like it literally stopped my career so i did my job so well that no one will hire me to do another job. That's crazy. There's an anger that gets created, right? Like, yes, now, years later, understanding it, like understanding the badge of honor and peace. But imagine you're like, I want to go work and continue to do this thing that I love to do and they won't let me because I did my job so well.

You should have sucked a little bit. So it's this really weird, difficult thing to deal with as the actor, as the human, but you also recognize that that person who's calling you Carlton, they love it so much, they're having a physical

reaction to something that you've created. So that's good, but the results... What you want is a couple people to do that, not the whole industry. But listen, do you regret it? I would just be like, I don't care if everybody out there does it, but everybody who hires to create these jobs, can

y'all not do it too? You know what I mean? This is what you do, right? We can create another character that I can do well. And we'll make it iconic too. But it is what it is. But I absolutely still say to those fans, thank you. It's difficult with regular people, I think, because they just say, like, I'm sure he's rich. Fuck him.

Who cares? Like, who cares if he never got to do his dream? It's kind of happening with, related to sports a little bit, with the Boston Red Sox right now, where they got this call-up from Cuba, Bruce Nacastillo. They got paid $72.5 million, and he's never played for the Boston Red Sox. He just hasn't been good enough. He's always played for the Pawtucket Red Sox. Wow.

And so I feel bad for him. Pawtucket's not a very nice town. It's moving to Worcester now. But it's like, this guy moved from Cuba to chase his dream. And yes, he has $72 million. So the fans are like, to hell with him. Who cares? But he's also just kind of sitting in Pawtucket being like,

I wish I could play at Fenway Park right now. That's what I came here to do. That's what I want to do. But once you put money in it, people kind of lose the sense of the humanity of it again. Absolutely. Someone's not being allowed to chase their dreams. At the end of the day, he's not playing for the big club because he's not good enough. Right.

Yeah, that's true. And he's got a reward of $72 million to not be good enough. So I understand the fan perspective because it's like, well, dude, if you were good enough, you'd be here. You'd be here, yeah. Right? So you can feel bad for him, but you can't really feel bad for them because it's like, well, then your game up. The problem in show business is it's all subjective. It isn't, hey, I can hit that 95-mile-an-hour fastball and the curveball and the slider, and I got a great glove, and I got a rocket for an arm. Why am I not playing?

If you do that, you do fine. The numbers are the numbers. Whereas show business is like, well, I like that guy. Why am I not playing? Right? If you do that, you do what? The numbers are the numbers. Right? Whereas show business is like, well, I like that guy. Why? I don't know. Yeah. Just do it. And that's not enough for somebody.

And a casting director is like, you know what? I like that person. I'm going to hire that person. Right? Or I don't like that person, so I'm not going to hire that person. They might be really good, but oh, well. Yeah. Yeah, that sucks.

Right? Like, and I say this, but it's, but it's not to be political in any way, but it's like show business is the only business where you are absolutely allowed to be racist. Absolutely. I'm a white writer. I write my story. And I don't know any black people,

so there's no black people in the movie. That's kind of what happened with Seinfeld, right? But also, isn't it strange to not be yourself? No, no. But what I mean by that, and that's why I say it's not trying to be political, is that in arts, it's about whatever you create. You live and do. Right?

If you create it, then that's what it is. And you cast people based on what you've created and the way you see it. If you happen to not know an Asian or not know a Hispanic guy or a girl or a black person or whatever, and that's the world you created, then that's the world you created. And it's okay to not hire anybody. Right, right. Right? Whereas if you own a widget company, no, you have to hire a certain amount of minorities. Right.

Right? Like, and so show business is the one business where it's like, no, you don't have to hire. You can have just the people you want. Yeah. Right? And it's okay because it's creative. Right? That's true.

But also, what if I faked it? Wouldn't it be, wouldn't, I mean, obviously people would get jealous, but you'd probably hate the movie. You'd be like, well, that's not – that's not my experience. That's not my story. A colorless movie is still a colorless movie that doesn't require to have this or that. I always laugh because Friends is that TV show, right? Friends is like, okay, you've got six people living in an amazing apartment in Manhattan,

and they know no one of color. Zero. Tell me how that exists in New York City. New York City, right. Okay? So that's the point, right? Like, that's why, you know,

great show, very funny. And it was embraced and loved. But you go, well, hold up. That's not real, yet it's accepted. But if you reverse it, people go, well, hold up. That's not real, yet it's accepted. But if you reverse it, people go, well, wait a minute. I mean, that guy wouldn't be with that guy. So it's subjective to when you want it to work for whatever opinion you have.

It's a weird thing, but that's what this business allows you to have because it's subjective. It's whatever you feel. It's your creative. It can be the beauty of creativity and also it cuts both ways. It's a tough business, man. The fact that you made it 40 years and hit and then 40 more to go. Amen. Listen,

I'm the black guy showing you funny videos. It's all good. So you got AFV and Catch-21. Catch-21. It's the Blackjack game show hybrid type of thing. Right, right, yeah. And it's my reboot.

Like, people come up to me all the time. They're like, hey, you've got to do that reboot. I'm like, well, I am doing a reboot. They're like, really? They're like, yeah, it's Catch-21. Because we did it years ago. And I did it for five seasons years ago. And Game Show Network came to me and was like, hey,

let's bring it back. I'm like, dude, I love it. It's a great show. It's Show Network came to me and was like, hey, let's bring it back. I'm like, dude, I love it. It's a great show. It's a fun show for me to do. So we brought it back. We just did 65 episodes. It's doing really well. We're hoping to get a pickup to do some more.

And they have me out here doing all this to get people to come watch a little more. So it's 6 p.m. on the Game Show Network, 6 p.m. Eastern, every day. Five days a week. Thanks so much. We appreciate you coming through, and congrats on the success.

Thanks, bro. Thank you so much. You got it, guys. Turn around Look at what you see In her face The mirror of your dream Make believe I'm everywhere In her face. The mirror of your dream.

Make believe I'm everywhere. Give it in the light. Written on the pages is the stars Lie a fantasy Dream a dream And what you see will be Rise again Their secrets will Fold behind the clouds.

And there upon a rainbow is the answer to a never ending story. Ah, story. Ah. Soaring high