KFC Radio - It's Nudie Magazine Day! Ft. Colin Quinn and Mike Feeney

Episode Date: November 11, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Do homeless people listen to podcasts? - Ditching is one of the meanest things someone can do - It’s nudie magazine day! - If you only had one question to decide if someone can become your friend, what are you asking? - Is Paul Rudd really the Sexiest Man Alive? - Shailene Woodley belittles man who was mistaken for Aaron Rogers - Feits eats clay - The real reason why husbands don’t have friends - AITA - Video Voicemails - Book title - Turning each other gay - Weirdest thing someone's done in bed - 01:46:40 - Colin Quinn Interview - 02:55:24 - Mike Feeney Interview Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's November 2nd through the 20th. This is how professionals do it. I knew there was a 20th on there. That's why I love this show. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Last chance to get tickets for our live show tomorrow at the New York City Comedy Festival.

If you are, we won't be able to say we sold this out. I just want to say. I'm just going to say it. I don't want to be able to say we sold this out. So if you're considering it, we have like, honestly, we have like 20 tickets left. I want to sell all fucking 20 of those tickets. So if you're in the city, buy them.

If you're the first in the city who's never heard of the show, well, maybe if they've heard of it, that'd be better because I don't want people to not laugh. Say, hey, you should go to the show because they want to sell the last 20 fucking... Just buy all 20 of yourself. But I don't care about... I want one person to have their own section.

I bought 20 tickets. Oh, you're talking about me buying tickets. No, not them. I want one person to buy 20 tickets and be like, I'm VIP. And then give them to homeless people on the street. Bring a bunch of homeless people to our show. Let's pause there. Hell yeah, that'd be dope.

We'll have a whole homeless section. Someone do that. Someone do that. Have homeless people at your show. That's a great idea. I think it's like Frank had homeless people with signs. Hope Overtising. Yeah.

You've got to fill a couple seat fillers. Do you think that homeless people listen to podcasts? Absolutely not. I think they do. I think they might. Because when you see a homeless person with iPhones, I could see. I don't see a lot of them with headphones, though. Well, they don't use headphones.

They're those savages who just play things over the air. Over under.5 homeless people in the city who listen to podcasts. Is there one person who's homeless who listens to a podcast? Over.5? Hell yeah. Yeah, for sure. This is some fucking... What podcast would homeless people listen to?

Are they listening to Gary Vee being like, I can do it! I can do it! Why don't I just steal a TV and sell it on Facebook Marketplace? Trevor Wallace has a great skit about Gary Vee showing up at your garage sale. It's very funny. You should go watch it. He's playing both sides of it. And it's just, it's very funny. Dude, speaking of phones, i have noticed something with uh

buy tickets to the fucking show go to live nation go to the kitchen radio uh social handles doing things i don't care go go go buy them 6 30 so it's a friday night pints live with us we have uh special guests we've got uh all of our uh our caller celebrities if you will coming in and we're gonna kick friday off right so come through i have seen and i saw it today which is a reminder of it walking up here you were my homeless people with phones i have seen so many cyclists and i don't mean the fucking tight guys tight two guys people on bicycles be they delivery men, be they people on city bikes, on their phones these days. Like one-hand riding, one-hand texting. That's crazy.

Why don't you save yourself the time and fucking hang yourself? Yeah, just kill yourself now. It is. It is. It's going to happen very quickly. Go out on your own terms. Just take your bike. Rather than a cab driver.

Take your bicycle and ride it into like a pit of fire. Like, just drive off the George Washington Bridge and kill yourself now. If you're going to do it, at least don't do it on a city bike

because then your family is going to have to pay for that. Buy your own bike, invest in yourself and kill yourself that way. What if, do you think that maybe if you kill yourself

on a city bike, there's room to sue city bike, to sue city? Ooh. Like, just like, it malfunctioned or something, and then you don't win. It malfunctioned.

Imagine you take that all the way to the Supreme Court. Yeah. My bicycle malfunctioned. Yeah. I like that. Like, if you broke a pedal and then you die or some shit,

and then you sue, and they're like, this is bullshit, but here's like a quarter of a million dollars to go away. Here's him. I think he's like, here's him driving by 7,000 cameras in Manhattan.

Driving with his knees on the phone. Driving a bicycle. I love how we keep saying driving bicycles. What do you call it? Riding? Cycling? Bicycles? You're conducting a bicycle. You're conducting. You're locomoting a bicycle.

I say if you're going to kill yourself, do it on a city bike. Just to give your family a shot. You never know. I think the only thing your family's going to end up is owing 300 bucks to a city bike. Those city bikes suck, man. You did not ruin that mangled hunk of metal. Have you ridden one yet? I've ridden a...

I don't think I've ridden one in the city. I've ridden one in Boston. They were called like Hubways or Greenways Or something like that If it's Brand to brand But city bikes are heavy as fuck

Because they're made of like Hunks of steel Because it's probably got to last In the winter And elements and shit Not the one They take them in In Boston they take them in at least

I don't I forget what they do They must take them in These things are fucking heavy man That's why I see You know People wobbling on them and shit. You're going to get sideswiped soon, man.

Texting. Texting's crazy. Texting. I've seen people texting. The one I saw today was a guy just picking up deliveries or whatever. On motorbikes, no less. Oh, okay. Not the motorbikes, but you know what I mean.

I actually feel like it's safer on a motorbike because you've got the speed at least. If you're wobbly on a bike because you're not on it and pedaling, you're going into traffic, you're getting run over, and nobody's going to care. People are going to celebrate your death. When you were a kid, did you ride your bike with no hands a lot? Not a lot. I wasn't a very good bike rider. I was a big one-handed guy, but the people who can just do no hands with their hands at their side and then just going and leaning and shit, those people were crazy.

Those people I ditched. Those are the people. What? I ditched. Wait, why? You ditched them? You ditched people? Yeah, but why were you ditching them?

They're cooler than you. They weren't cool. They were fucking weirdos. Oh, really? The kids I knew, the same kids who were riding with no hands were also the kids who could pop wheelies and do bunny hops and all that cool shit. I didn't like those kids. Because they're cooler than you?

Played a part, I suppose. You know what I think was happening? I think Feidelberg was just riding away from people and they were like, all right, see you later, dude. No, I would pick up your bike, I'd throw your bike. Oh. Yeah. Ditching was no joke.

I thought your bike could do a tree or some shit. Just, again, because you were jealous or didn't like them. I think it was more I didn't like them. But I don't know what the dislike was born of. You were a man as a child. You were a bully. I wasn't a bully. You were a bully.

If you could do, like, Ghost of Christmas Past and you traveled back in time, you'd be a bully. I genuinely don't think I was a bully. I think you were a bully. You were throwing kids' bikes around and shit. But only kids I didn't like. Only kids who deserved it. No, I was not a bully. I was not

a defender of the bullies, of the nerds, but I also wasn't a bully. I was just a regular-ass kid minding his own fucking business. It does not sound like you were. Who became a regular-ass person minding his own business. It sounds like you were a person who made other people's bikes your business. I'm minding my own business, but my business is now that I don't like you were a person who made other people's bikes your business. I'm not in my own business, but my business is now that I don't like you or your bike.

If we decided a kid was getting ditched, you bring in the clothes. I'll say that. But it wasn't me making the ditch. I was the executioner. Ditching is bully behavior, bro. Ditching is mean. Ditching is mean. When you see, like, a flock of kids running away from you like a leper, because it's just like, ah, we're not going to hang out with you,

that is mean, dude. That's so fucked up. So fucked. The last thing fucked up thing of the 90s wasn't our overuse of the F word or gay or... Or, like, letting Osama Bin Laden grow Al-Qaeda right to the point that he could commit the terror attacks. I had nothing to do with that one.

That one I did not have a finger in. The homosexual slurs, I played a part in. I carried my weight on that one, okay? I'll wear that. I'll wear that. Osama, if you talk about Osama, I'd have fixed that problem

right away. You and Marky Mark. But running away from people just to be like, get away. And then the saddest thing, have you ever had someone catch up to you? Yeah. When they were like, oh, cool, let me just run with you and not getting the point. Oh, I didn't realize you didn't get it. I actually ditched as far up until college, but it was rightfully so.

I think I've told this story before about the one kid who I lived with who was just an unsightly fella. He was not easy on the eyes. I mean, really, just a not normal looking person. Paint a picture. Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Okay. I was going to ask Balding. No, no, no. No? Not normal looking person. Paint a picture. Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Okay. Yeah. I was going to ask Balding. So that checks that.

No, no, no. No? Okay. So imagine Gollum with like a Jufro. Like a flat top from Dick Tracy type hair. You know him? No. He is.

Being ugly with hair is a feat. Yeah. It's like you got the one thing that you could work with and it still just didn't work out for you. It's not like, was he fat? Nope. This is crazy. This kid was just grotesque. Kind of like that. Like that hair.

That's the cartoon character but like, yeah, yeah. I'm talking flat top, man. What the fuck? What was that dude's name? This guy was flat top flat top from dick tracy yep i don't know i never heard that person that's that's an abomination um he uh and i lived with him for a long time because of bullies like you john because people used to pick up his bike and throw them in the woods and uh it was just a big pair of bushes

i i had a bush it wasn't the woods. It was just bushes. We lure them to that. Then we get them off the bike. All right, John, get his bike. I'm trying to find this. Throwing like a fucking Olympian discus player. I'm trying to find this actual discus thrower. Discus thrower? Discus conductor.

I did. I remember looking for him recently, and I actually found him, and I don't know how to find it but he really was you know, he needed help in life and so

he ended up living with me a couple years and it was like it weighed down my college experience because there would be times where people were like yo man, you can come through. But like, I don't know about your boy. And I hate that sort of shit, too, though.

So I'd be like, all right, then fuck you. I'm not coming. Or I'll just roll in with this guy and be deeply embarrassed. But I was just like, whatever, man, we're fucking doing this. But then there were times where it was like. You know how fucked up you got to be like, I would have liked college more if it wasn't for you. I guess I'm being mean saying that now. You ruined my college experience.

Being friends with you was a severe detriment on my life. And I'm the bully. I'm a bully now. I wasn't a bully then. I got a microphone now, motherfucker. Now I'm a bully. But yeah, there were times where I would like run away and, you know, or like, not like run, but like, you know, like, yeah, yeah, I'm going to likeard Now I'm a bully But yeah there were times Where I would like run away And you know Or like

Not like run But like you know Like yeah yeah I'm gonna like go shower And then I'll meet you back In the pregame And then like we'll go to the bar Or whatever

And just go to the bar And like then he would Like kind of catch on And like you know Catch up to us Like go to the bar Now that you're explaining You're not getting it dude

Well now that you're explaining I regularly do this Now Yeah there's That's adult ditching Like little kid ditching Is like you're physically with them and you're just like, ah, and you run away

and it's like, yeah, we made plans without you. Now this is like, you know, yeah, you're like, oh yeah, yeah, we'll catch up in a little bit or like, meet you there or, oh, I forgot to tell you we're going to another bar or some shit like that, you know? Bro, we're just all lying. Yeah, I lie. I lie all the time.

It's like my favorite thing to do. My second favorite thing to do is wear my bird dogs, bro. I lie while I'm wearing my bird dogs. I ditch while I'm wearing my bird dogs. Anything I'm doing, I'm rocking my bird dogs. Because it's not just shorts anymore. If you know me and Feidelberg, you know we're not the biggest of shorts guys. Past, what, 30, I think we said, was kind of the cutoff.

Yeah, I think so. You was kind of the cutoff. You wore shorts a lot this summer. It's just too hot. Eventually, comfort overtakes style, or trends, or whatever, and you're like, I just gotta be comfortable. That's why Bird Dogs has it all, though, because they're comfortable and they're stylish, and if you want to wear long pants,

they got you covered for that. They've got joggers now that still have the same built-in underwear with that same comfort level. Just now full-length pants to go along with their shorts that are elite when it comes to comfortable, functional, and stylish clothing. Right now, when you go to birddogs.com, use promo code KFC, you get that Vortex dog. That's another thing back in the childhood days. It would be like, yo, go get that ball. And then, well, they would have to run 200 yards. You ditch them.

Play fetch with the Vortex. And you run. You bring it to your football tailgate, throw them around college campus. You know what's so sad about my life right now? Like, there's nowhere that I could, like, do the vortex. You know, I used to have, like, a big backyard as a kid, or I used to be, like, on a campus at college, at a high school. Bro, I went to the vortex all summer. At the beach, I guess?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess if you go to the beach. We went to the vortex and whore. But, like, you know, if I was, like, in my back, I don't have a backyard. If I'm at the kid's house, we have, like, a little backyard. What am I just going to step out on 7th Avenue and be like, yo, yo, you know, if I was, like, in my back, I don't have a backyard. I'm at the kid's house. We have, like, a little backyard. What am I, just going to step out on 7th Avenue and be like, yo, yo, you go down to, like, 23rd Street. We're going to fucking air it out.

So if you can get, if you got that space for the Vortex, go to birddogs.com. Promo code KFC. Get your shorts. Get your joggers. With the built-in underwear. Stay comfortable and rip that Vortex anywhere you can. That makes me scared. What are you doing? Oh, no's nudie magazine day what day is it november it's nudie magazine day with some deodorant and and a love letter? Oh, yeah. I get this all the time. I was about to...

Oh, what is this? I was about to be aggravated by whatever you were about to do. This is a love letter. This is a letter for my sister's wedding. I was about to be aggravated because I was like, what is happening? This is something he's been plotting. I knew something was up because we discussed nothing pre-show. We had no notes of what we were going to do.

And then he was like, I got a lot, though. Is that Danny DeVito? What's happening here? Is that Cigar Fishing Out? Yes. Mixed in with the nudie magazines. Wait, wait, wait. That's the weirdest thing to say.

No, you've referenced it so many times. I'm on his side. Why does he keep referencing that? No, I'm on his side. Cigar Fishing Out with Danny DeVito. Okay, okay. So if it's my fault, it's fine. Okay. So many times, I'm on his side. Why does he keep referencing that? No, I'm on his side. Cigar fishing out with Danny DeVito. Okay, okay. So if it's my fault, it's fine. Okay.

So this is from your porn chest. This is... So my sister's coming over this weekend. You have to clean up. And I have to clean up. So the porn chest has been emptied. I also took my... Is this everything or this is the best?

This is everything. Okay. It's actually... I'm disappointed. I thought I had more. Oh, my God. Can I... Let's... I might need a moment. I took my fucking clone'm disappointed. I thought I had more. Oh, my God. Can I? Let's.

I might need a moment. I took my fucking clone of Willie. I threw that in the Hudson. I didn't know where to put that thing. That's one worth throwing out. Oh, Leska Diamond. Yeah. Forgot about her.

Don't think I knew her. Oh, I know Leska. They photoshopped her asshole out. This is a fucking. This is a photoshopped asshole. There's no asshole there. Yeah, you're right. You should be able to see the outsides

of her asshole. Shut up, gay man. No. Oh, I thought he was like, ew, niggas, girls. I spilled some fucking sweet sour sauce in my fucking... You're getting it all over your shirt. Be careful. It's like swinging on your shirt. It's a nice seafoam velour shirt. I'm gonna read

you a couple of the subtitle things here oh yeah you are a child how about we you want to do you want to do like real or fake on some of these headlines

okay I gotta think of some ones that can be fake. Give me a moment to just gather with us. Did you know Penthouse has vodkas? Libido libations? What does that mean? I'm down with that. Penthouse libido libations.

Cherry vodka and blue cherry vodka. They have him and hers vodkas. I've never heard of such a thing. No, that's pretty cool. Vodka to get your dick carved. Vodka to get your pussy wet. I would have believed that's like the tagline. I would have believed it.

Because one tagline here. This can't be real. This can't be real. Can you believe that if Penthouse libido libations, cherry vodkas are real? How about Penthouse, the holiday blues special? Pregnant gals need love too. What? Real.

Yep, that's a real one. Let's see what we fucking got. It's on the back of that too? Yeah. Man, porno pictures are underrated. Carmel Moore, remember her? How old are these? Pretty old, man.

I mean, not like crazy old, but I mean, not the last. Oh, boy. Yeah, so about when I moved here. I'll tell you what. This is just us watching porn. I'll tell you what. I'd be willing to maybe shell out like a thousand bucks for this thing right here. And then never need to go out or do anything ever again.

Bro, I just had to throw a fucking, not a pussy, a cock clone in the ocean like I'm a murderer. What are you going to do with that body? I don't know. This is going to have to become a part of my house. I'm going to need to date this thing. Got it rolled up in a rug, dumping it into the river. This is 32 feet tall. 32 inches tall.

25 inches wide. 21 feet inches deep. This thing is like a fucking real girl. I would hate that. I'm a real boy. The second I was like, yo, can you move a little bit? We're not angling right. Can you get up higher? She's like, I'm a fucking doll. I can't move at all.

I'm not real. You have to carry your own weight here, Nicole Anderson. It's real? Can you explain it to me? I don't. Oh, I forgot. What's up?

Lana. What's up? What do you think happens first? Jackie sues us or quits? Lana Rose. Goodness gracious. You know what I really don't enjoy? That.

I really do not enjoy girls who porn where they like open up their pussies. I really don't like that. Where you can see their cervix. I'm like, no fucking thank you. It's the miracle of life, but with fucking

trim pussies. No, no, I just don't like that. Young nymphos, this is horrible. This just seems like the libido vodka just seems like it just gets you drunk, and you just get drunk. Yeah, no, that's just fucking vodka. But why would it be for him and for her? I don't know.

I think that's just branding. I was going to say, yeah, they also have a whiskey. Dude, what happened to this girl's pussy? Somebody chew on that thing? Look at that thing. That's all jagged. It looks to say, yeah. They also have a whiskey. Dude, what happened to this girl's pussy? Somebody chew on that thing? Look at that thing. Yeah. That's all jagged. It looks like a dog got a bite of it.

Yeah. What the fuck, man? All right. While we're flipping through porn, I have a question for you. Yeah. If you could. Should we call 1-800-SUCK-DICK? Yep.

Yeah. Or 1-800-2-WHORE? Yeah. Let's call all of these. But these are like $100 a minute. Sorry, we have a podcast, bro. I think we should call 1-800-SUCK-DICK, right? Okay.

Do you want to call them on your phone or on the phone that's... Let's call them and... Wait, can that phone work? I don't... Well, here's the thing. If I call from my phone, it's my cock in their mouth, not yours. Yeah, call. Give it a ring.

1-800. They're going to have us jump through a bunch of hoops first. 7, 8, 2, 5, 3, 4, 2. 1-800-SUCKDICK. Hey, baby. I love undoing a guy's jeans. This sounds like a child. And watching that massive hunk of meat just pop up in my face. Oh, my God! This sounds like a child Oh my god

Should have called from the other phone Should have called from the other phone Should have called from someone's phone That's not mine That was Jessica Kirsten on the other side Doing that little baby voice she does Unbelievable news Not a pedophile

I was about to say If you make a joke about being turned on right now, we have a problem. We're cutting that for the podcast. That was a great test. I've never thought so, but I've never been put to the test. Put to the test? Ow. Everybody's reaction was like a whole body. I think.

I think. Anybody get turned on there? Zach was pretty silent over there. Pabst was very silent. Well, Pabst is probably young enough to fuck these girls. That was a young girl. Shit.

I'm uncomfortable about a lot of things now. I'm going to go back to the pregnant gals. I know they're old enough. Okay? I'm going to the pregnant girls because I know let's hope at least oh man that was pretty jarring, that was pretty jarring. It was pretty jarring.

You know, it's really just crazy how much porn has progressed, though, huh? How come? It's just like, here's a picture of, like, you know, a dick and a vagina, and that's it, over and over and over again. That's the whole shebang? Yeah. That's what you came here for. Come here for puss.

Come here for fucking puss, dude. You know why I say that? No one does. I don't know why. I wonder if you should stop. What do you think? I'm a bully. I'm going to keep saying it. When they take pictures and like, have you seen the behind the scenes

when they're having sex and they pause? So she's just like... It's just got to be really weird to just sit there full of dicks. Wait, is this one called Kinky Chick? Kink Chick? Let's go through them all. We got Penthouse, which is pregnant gals need love too we got

smooth which i'm hoping based on the cover girl and some of the names on here i think this is uh of the urban persuasion oh bro so that one's super black moon return to dust age along with aisha diaz i don't know who i john know who Aisha Diaz, but I'm in love with her. Aisha Diaz in love with a convict is her story. Dude, I like this one. This is just like... I don't even know what this advertisement is for, but this woman looks like she...

Oh, the camera's there. She looks like she kind of just walked into a modeling photo shoot in 1986 and kind of hasn't walked out. Like, she's not into it. She's got the barbed wire tattoo which is where they are. Is she wearing jeans? Oh my god, that's, no, nope, nope. Is that denim?

No, I thought so at first too. But, oh, she's rich, single, and looking for sex. She gets invited to all the right parties, has a boatload of cash, and lives the life of a rock star's groupie. I just discovered the most unbelievable thing. What? This is the August 2017 edition of Smooth Magazine.

And in this page here, which has some sports coverage and some comic book stuff some entertainment stuff they have a little thing they like to call fresh face so who was the fresh face in the 2017 edition of Smooth Magazine you may never have heard of this triple threat

actress, singer, dancer but your little brother probably has I'm editing out the name to see if you can get it. After growing up on the Disney Channel, Kiki Palmer, the grown and sexy 20-year-old is about to enter the adult world with her career-defining role.

Zendaya. Second guess, pretty good. Tween sitcom, Shake It Up. Why is it there? The grown and sexy is about to enter a career defining role as Peter Parker's love interest

in the new Spider-Man it'll be the first time Peter Parker's spidey sense will tingle for a girl of mixed race but that's fucking hilarious that Zendaya is in this

edition of Smooth magazine she was probably like get me the fuck out of there is there any nudity in Smooth I just buy these things in bulk

oh you know what there might not be. This might just be for... This might be like... This might just be like Maxim, you know? Yeah, it's very provocative. Yeah, I haven't seen any dicks in anybody's body. There's an article about Serena Williams.

You know, I'm not... I'm not... You know, this isn't for me because there's nobody fucking. Just want't for me because there's nobody fucking. Just want to be clear because there's nobody fucking. I would, I would, this would be for me totally fine if there was sex, okay? That's all I'm saying.

Boy, did you just drop a literal bomb on me. Yeah, look at Asa Akira. What's up, Asa? How you doing, babe? See, now this is where we have to send John to jail. Why? Barely legal. What?

I said, I just said I bought him in bulk. See, now we're talking. Except for that condom. Rubbies? Get a, don't you ever show me a condom ever again. Yeah. I can't believe people use condoms. I, I, I've just aged out in the sense that I can't anymore.

I don't have the time. To use condoms? Yeah. It's not the time. I don't have, I don't know. I don't have the time. To use condoms? It's not the time. I can't perform well enough. You can put a condom on my soft penis. Because it will be soft by the time that rubber's out.

It's just crazy how much that happens. Why when there's a break in the action? I did put nine condoms on my dick recently. Nine? Nine. That's what I got. Did I notice?

I don't know. I thought you did. You said that a little too casual. Now that you don't, I wish I didn't say it. It's like triggering kind of a memory. You guys talked about it on Friday Night Pints. How many condoms you can pull?

But I did it. I think you said you were going to. I don't think you ever did. So let's recap. We definitely said how many condoms you can pull But I did it I think you said you were going to I don't think you ever did So let's recap We definitely said how many condoms You can fit on a penis Yeah I think you literally Showed us a picture of it

Yeah Oh yeah yeah yeah I showed you I fucking took it off I had the fucking I had the chunk of used condoms Not used but penis used The inside was dirty

The outside wasn't Well technically the inside were dirty the outside wasn't well technically the inside of only one was true the inside of one was dirty yeah i forgot yeah it was all lined up i told you shit yeah yeah uh i don't have the image anymore but why and we just did that for fun right like i just did it for fun sit on the couch because of content or you did it for fun then we made a content no no no it was talked about in the office how many condoms you can put on a penis

right I went home bought a bunch of condoms put them all on my penis you know when they said it's like more dangerous to double bag I don't know if I believe that

I I guess the one would break but then you still got the second one no uh I guess yeah it's also like who cares if it breaks

most of us aren't supposed to be using condoms anyway. Is this our girl, Bella? Yeah, this is Bella. Where your condom breaks, it's like in the movies when someone's getting fucking suffocated with a plastic bag. And it busts out. That's your penis. How about a Bella there?

Her pussy looks like her asshole. That's weird. It about Abella there Her pussy looks like her asshole That's weird Yeah right No shade to Abella But Your pussy looks like your asshole This is just madness You have just derailed me

And my brain sir I really have 1-800-BLACK-ASS Should we call that one Come closer boo You know my ass is the bomb dot com That's racist. Yeah, no.

No, this is... Oh, my God. I'm about to say this. This is a quote. 1-800-DARK-D**T. What? That was not from my brain. That was just here.

1-800-SHEMAIL. I know you're curious. Because you know there's some guy being like, Nah, man. Yeah. I'm curious. Nice you know there's some guy being like, nah, man, nah. Yeah. I'm curious. Nice set of tits on that guy. Look at the dick like popping out of the bottom there.

Just that little. Just that little. Yeah, that's a dick. Well, I mean. A ball. It's a man's piece, you know. Some part of a guy. They better get bigger dicks.

$2.99 a minute for your small dick? I don't think so. Listen, lady, if you want me to give you a call, you better have a huge penis. The only way

you're getting my credit card is if you got a bigger cock than me, girl. Let's quickly, I'm sure this is bad podcasting But let's just quickly go through What the special collector edition Of a 2014 Playboy would be

What does that mean? Are these just special pictures? Are these like special people? John where did you get these? What did you do with them? Not a single one of these things was purchased over This one is crunchy'll be honest, this one is... This one's crunchy.

Yeah. Oh, Cummy? No, I... I'm not Cummy the Playboy. I'm not 12. This is... Somebody came in this thing. No, I think because they're all on my...

In my, like, my little fucking chest. And, like, stuff gets through. Like, crumbs and shit. So, like, some of them are... Stuff? Stuff gets through my porn chest. That's not Cummy. Yeah, well... You know, stuff gets through, like crumbs and shit. So, some of them are Stuff gets through my porn chest. That's not cum. Yeah, well you know, stuff gets through and maybe

it is. This one's just 1-800-2-whore like T-O. That didn't make any sense. That's a fucking There's some hair up in here. Just the way I like it! Do you understand that reference it's from Out Cold

okay so if you could ask one person a question to decide you only get one question to decide if someone can become your friend what question would you ask I would ask to become my friend. Yeah.

You like this actually, I've kind of changed it. It was back in the debate about fucking how you're a bad person. If you just give away your kidney to anybody randomly. I forgot what that was, what story that was, but there was a story about it. You give away the kidney and she wanted all the respect in the world for it.

She sued all her friends. Yeah. So if you give, if you give away the kidney and she wanted all the respect in the world for it. Oh, right, right, right. So she sued all her friends. Yeah, so if you gave away your kidney to a person you didn't know, you're a bad person. And I was wondering, like, all I want is a phone call beforehand. But I've kind of redesigned that question for just a friend. Just one question. I just get to talk to you one time to decide whether or not you can have my kidney or whether or not we're going to be friends. I need to ask a question that conveys your level of normalcy.

That's what I care about most. I have it. That was my exact idea going in, and I have such a question. At first I was thinking about almost like trying to set up a question that almost sounds like a dating show, dating game thing, where you're like, what's your ideal night or something like that? Oh, you're so close to having my question. Yeah? Okay.

Because I was thinking if I can get you to give, if I can get an answer out of you. Mine is in future tense. Past tense? Yes. Like what is the best night? Do you want me to tell you mine? Yes, because I think I need to workshop

mine. How was your day? Mm-hmm. If they say anything, and I mean anything, other than fine you or good you, you don't get a kidney. You die. That's fair. I think that's a great start, but I think you're going to get a lot

of people who know that rule, but still are not. Then fine. If you know that rule, but still are not. Then fine. If you know that rule, fine. You can continue to live in this world. You can have my kidney. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Are we being friends?

Are we donating a kidney? Are we allowing them to live? It started as a kidney, but it's friendship. So you're right. Because to be like my friend, I need to ask you, okay, I think I know what I would do. I would ask you a question like something like, did you see that blah, blah, blah is like, sue somebody for the January 6th insurrection and, like, ask some sort of, like, big old political weird question.

And then if they're just like, oh, man, I didn't see any of that shit. I don't know what you're talking about. I'd be like, you're good. You're in. Like, I need to ask you something. Like, whatever the hot button issue of the day is, I want to ask you that. And if you have a real answer, I'm out. Okay.

Okay. And I'm with you again here but i think it needs to be not the hot button issue but the stupid hot button issue yeah okay like okay like do you give a shit that big bird got vaccinated yes right perfect example but i but i wouldn't i wouldn't i wouldn't lead them like that i would be like did you hear that big bird got vaccinated and like um you know there's a chance that there was side effects or something. And then they just go like, no, you fucking idiot. It's a fictional bird.

And I'm like, good. You passed the test. Have you taken to social media about Big Bird's vaccination status? Yes. Have you expressed an opinion with sincerity? Right. Did you see that happen to me the other day when I was talking about fucking the Jokic thing? No.

I said the Jokic fucking push. And I just said, people are saying you can't push behind our fucking losers. Yeah. I saw your tweet answer the reply. So someone replied, why do you care? And I just said, make no mistake about it. I don't care about this even a little bit. Let me just take a quick detour.

Let me take a quick detour from the friendship question because that is a great one. Who cares needs to be abolished from the internet? And anyone who says it, I want to chop their head off with an axe. Because there is a huge difference between caring and commenting on something participating in caring and talking caring and that's where i also when people are like yours i've said this recently a couple times in the past few weeks about like you're so negative it's like i'm just babbling shit on the internet it just did not like reflect my like inner personality here these are not things that i care about just did not like reflect my like inner personality here these are

not things that i care about this is not like anything that means anything to who i am or whatever i am just i will sleep soundly tonight i am just reacting i get all the time on one minute man where it's like i don't really care about any of these people i'm just just doing that for work i do have an opinion and i do care on that level i think it's like an interesting uh thing to have like a one sentence conversation am i gonna like walk home like kicking my heels yeah no i can't believe jokic did that what is wrong with the society that basketball players are pushing each other on basketball courts i'm not I'm not a psychopath. I'm just talking on the internet. Oh, I got

my question. I got my question. And this is it. This is the one. This is the motherfucking one. I'm going to ask you to tell me a story. I'm going to say, tell me a story about a time that you were offended.

And they can pass with flying colors if they just say i don't have one and and then if they do tell me a story if it's anything other than like one time someone broke into my house and like spat in my face while they murdered my mother i was pretty offended if it's anything like less than less than that, you're out. If you've ever been offended in your life, I don't want to really know you. If you've had true offense? Yes, true.

I mean, there's... Have you ever been offended by words? Like, Zach's like, some dude called me the F word. Would you be offended by that? Like, would you... Like, if some dude came up to you and was like, what's up, you little F word? Well, if it was just some random guy, I'd probably just be like, I wouldn't even know what to say.

I'd just be like, okay. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Would you be, would you, like, of course you would, like, be like, but no, here's the thing. If I were you, let me speak for you. Yeah, of course. I would be like, you're, like, you're a piece of garbage.

And, like, for my people, that's people that's fucked up, but me personally, I don't care. I would just go about my day. I wish the worst for you. I wish the worst for you and I hope that your kind are being eradicated from the planet Earth. And it's almost more like I don't want you to go say that to anybody else.

But me, I don't really care. That's pretty much exactly what I've told my friends. Word for word, I've said you probably shouldn't said it to anybody else. But like me, I don't really care. That's pretty much exactly what I've told my friends. Like word for word, I've said like, yeah, you probably shouldn't say it because like whatever. Damn, your friends are saying that shit? That's fucked up. I mean, like, yeah, we're like coworkers and say it to you, but it's different, bro. I was thinking about the guy from Tyler's tweet with the Cleveland Indians.

It's a white dude in red face with a chief, what do you call it? Headdress on. And he's like yelling at a Native American. And Tyler's caption is, actually, it's not offensive, my friend, and I'll tell you why. It's an all-time tweet.

I think if you are going to tell me a story or have a time that you were offended, you're probably not going to get along. That's pretty fair. That's like, I mean, there are people who have a reason to be offended. Like you said, I don't really give a shit. My people, we have a reason to take offense to this, but I don't really fuck with myself. That actually just reminded me.

I was at a bachelor party. It was for my brother's best friend, also a good friend of mine. I it just reminded me. I was at a bachelor party with my... It was for my brother's best friend, also a good friend of mine, but... I was going to say, you were at a bachelor party. I feel like you're probably pretty close to the fella. It was like an impromptu. It was like, whatever. Anyways, it was another guy who was like,

oh, that dude's such a faggot or whatever. And then, yeah, I guess, like, well, you can bleep that, I guess, or not. Well, no, you can say it. It just took me by surprise. Like, not about me, just about someone else. Not about me, just in general about someone else. And my brother and his friend both hit him and were like, you can't say that.

And I just started dying laughing. I was like, no, I just thought it was funny. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they're trying to be like, not in front of Jack, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's one here. Bro, there's a thing right here. You can't say that in front of them.

What would your guys' questions be? What would you ask a girl? I feel like girls kind of have a whole other, like, you might have to go down a whole different path. Be like, should I text my ex? And if she says yes, she's like, bad for you. And if she says no, she's a good friend. Oh, my God, you're toxic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The green lighting friends are the best, I feel like. The what? The green lighting friends. I like that as opposed to the gas lighting friends. There's the green lighting friends and the gas lighting friends.

Yeah, that might be something. That would be almost, that would be like my way to weed out for dating, not friendship. It'd be like, so has your ex ever gas lit you? Did your narcissistic ex

ever gas lit you? And if she says like, yeah, let me tell you about it, then we're out. But if she's like, what are you talking about? I'd be like, God, I love you. Gasliters. All guys are fucking gasliters. I'll show you a gasliter. I'm going to blow your house up, bitch.

Such fucking trash gasliters. They're like from, like, plays where they fucking dim the oil lights. How many girls do you think know what gaslight means? Zero. Or like where it comes from? No, I mean they do, but it's just it's not even the fault of women these days. Yeah, sure it is. It's the word that's become

it happens to all words where it just gets overused and loses all meaning. Sociopathic, narcissistic gaslighter. You have ruined all those words. No, you just fucking fell in love with a douchebag. It's not a gaslighter. Or not even though.

I mean, sometimes it's like there's a battle between if the girl is crazy or if the guy is gaslighting. Sometimes the girl is crazy. Sometimes the guy is gaslighting. But it's not always. It's like sometimes you're just saying some crazy shit, man. It is. You behave in a crazy way. It's not gaslighting. Sometimes the girl is crazy. Sometimes the guy is gaslighting, but it's not always. It's like sometimes you're just saying some crazy shit, man. You behave in a crazy way. It's not gaslighting.

I don't even think those two get conflated. Where it's just like you're... I could see girls just be like, he's totally gaslighting me. All I did was throw a cinder block through his fucking window. I'm not the crazy one, okay? You're gaslighting me. It just means lying. As well as we're goinglighting me it's just it's just it just

means lie now it's one of those like we're gonna have to accept it where it's like it's not coming back we've lost now it's gone the word gaslight it's a shame because gaslighting is fire it's fire yeah literally like but it's you know if you gaslight someone for real you are like a master manipulator which is fine if you want to call me a gaslighter, I'm fine with it. Because it makes me sound like a fucking genius. And I'm not. I'm just an idiot. There's a moment in, like, movies, you know, where, like, you find out that you've been getting played.

Like, the hero has been getting played all along. Yeah, technically, it's a gaslighter. Yeah, you've been gaslighting me this whole time, and I didn't, like, realize it. They're the only gaslighters I've seen in action. Like, Jason Bourne. Jason Bourne's been gaslit for, like, all like all this time to like build him up to be some sort of fucking psycho killer. You know what I mean? And it's like that's like a plot, a plan you have to unfold.

Your ex-boyfriend just being like, you're crazy, girl. Yeah. He's not fucking gas lit. Hey, babe. Want to come over? Oh, he's a master manipulator. Look at him. Sitting there in his backwards hat. Inviting me to places. Look at him. Sitting there in his

backwards hat. Inviting me to places. Sup girl. Oh he's manipulating me. What are we talking about?

I have sat with girls at bars being like showing me text threads being like look at what a manipulator this piece of shit is. And it's like hey

look who it is. And it's like oh what are you up to? What are you talking about? It's a friendly conversation. Why don't you just stop talking to the guy? Crazy. Oh, I wonder what he wants this time.

It's pussy. It's pussy. That's what he wants this time. Alright, fine. I'll invest six months and find out what's he really doing. Get him a pair of Nectar sunglasses. Because he's being shady. Hey! That's how you segue,

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So go to Nectarsunglasses.com slash KFC for your presents. Congratulations to Paul Rudd. Sexiest man alive. Paul Rudd, a.k.a. Ant-Man, a.k.a. the founder of youth. I mean, that's just, I understand. It's actually a perfect thing we were just talking about where, like, words don't mean things. Even though they do. We just as a society refuse to accept words don't mean things. Even though they do, we just as a society

refuse to accept it. Words mean things. And Paul Rudd is just not the sexiest man alive. No, he's not. Correct. Not even close. And he knows that.

In the article he said He's no Jeremy Cohen. That's for sure. He told his wife. She started laughing. She laughed in his face. And then she said something like Who's Paul Rudd's wife?

I don't know. It's a great question. Probably someone who's just awesome. I bet she's just awesome. I've never heard of this person before. That's unbelievable. How have I never heard of Paul Rudd's wife? I don't even mean like she should be

a celebrity, but I should know who Paul Rudd's wife is. I think she's probably just so cool. Did you see the meme floating around that was like, imagine it's Halloween and you go as the wasp and you go trick-or-treating with the real-life Ant-Man, but he decides to be Weird Al Yankovic. So his little daughter was the wasp,

all decked out with the real life Ant-Man. And he's just got a big wig on and a button up bowling shirt. And he's weird. Al Yankovic. That's awesome. Yeah. So Paul Rudd is, so here's what I said.

What, here's what happened with people magazine. Blake Shelton happened to people magazine. The year that they gave it to Blake Shelton, it all went to hell. Because that was crazy. Because Blake Shelton is just like a pretty, he's a star,

but he's just like an average dude. Correct. And so that, once that happens, you know what, you know what people's sexiest man alive is? The golden gloves. A gold glove.

When Rafael Palmeiro won the gold glove, when he played like 17 games at first base, that was the day the gold glove died. When Derek Jeter won like five gold gloves in his career, even though he's the worst shortstop of all time, that was when the gold glove died. When Blake Shelton won people's sexiest man of the year, that's when the sexiest man died.

That's so mean. But I'm not done. Don't worry, Paul. I got your back. Because here's what I think. I think all along the word sexy does in real life describe people like Paul Rudd. I think that what this should have been called. That sounds like a Paul Rudd defending Paul Rudd right there.

I think that this should be called people's hottest man alive. Sexiest means I want to suck your dick. Sexiest means I want to have sex with you. I don't want to suck Paul Rudd's dick. Sexiest means I want to suck your dick Sexiest means I want to have sex with you I don't want to suck Paul Rudd's dick Sexiest means I want to have sex with you If someone's sexy, that means I want to have sex with you You know what, this is a stupid word for it But this is like

John Legend, I don't want to suck Arthur's dick No, that's a terrible one But people, it's almost like hunks This is like hunkiest man alive Is what you're thinking Is when you have brad pitt and matthew mcconaughey and those guys when you're talking about actually sexy in a heterosexual way i guess in in in both ways someone is sexy when they are attractive and when they're attractive

when they have wit and charm and they're funny and they have a personality so all along like i i think it's weird we did this this with Pete Davidson, too. When people are, like, so surprised that, like, he's fucking hot chicks. It's like, that's how it works. It's always been that way. The guy who's funny and, like, can talk gets the girl. And Paul Rudd is, like, the funny guy.

And first of all, he's 52. He's found the fountain of youth. He looks great. I honestly, with all the uproar people say about Paul Rudd. You would have thought he's like 60, right? I always thought he was much older. 52 is quite young. He's almost getting the Adrian Beltre effect where it's like, no, we know he's a Hall of

Famer now. Yeah. I would have guessed he's like 58. Yeah. Yeah. Because now it's like, yeah, you're almost like 40. You're 40. You're still the same age.

No, you're Tom Brady's age? Okay. He's a good looking dude. He's not a classically, he's not David Beckham. He's not Brad Pitt. By no means am I, and this is why people does this. People does this. The only time anyone ever talks about People Magazine every year.

And then inside is all the fucking nice fucking slabs of beef. Right. They'll get, like, you trying to tell me Hemsworth don't have a spread inside? Yeah, fuck it. Write Hemsworth's in that magazine. I promise you that. have a spread inside yeah right hemsworth's in that magazine it's all it's it's also like doing you know when uh when carl malone and charles barkley won the mvp it's like we can't just give it to brad pitt every fucking year we can't give it to hemsworth every time even though we should

but if you're talking about what a girl jackie more often than like if if if you are talking with your girls and you're talking about a guy who's sexy, and I'm not talking about Hollywood, I'm talking about regular life, how often do you think you're talking about straight looks, and how often do you think you're talking about the way they carry themselves and the way that they attract women? Are you saying specifically the word sexy? Yes. Is that something you probably don't even really say?

Yes. She's like, that's chewy. Chewy, chewy, chewy. Fuck! How you do, fellow kids? Chewy. That's a granola bar. Which is somehow now sells dog toys.

What? Chewy.com is like fucking dog toys. Oh, that makes sense. But it's in the same font as the granola bars. I think it's the same company. We could get into a deep dive on this. I was going to say. Scrap the whole thing.

We're going way off. Someone find that out for me. Is Chewy.com, is that the same granola company? Because they have the same font. No, I think you're thinking of Quaker's Chewy bars. Sure am. Yeah. So it's probably like Chewy bars.com. It's not thinking of Quaker's Chewy Bars. Sure am. It's not too separate. It's Quaker.

It sells Chewy Bars. If you go to Chewy.com, there's no granola bars. It's all just dog food. But why is it in the fucking font? This is one of your dumbest... It's a similar font. It's a very similar font. No, it's not. It's less similar now that I look at it. Oh yeah, that's a similar font. It's a very similar font. Similar font?

No, it's not. It's less similar now that I look at it. Oh, yeah, that's not really like it. It's not that off. I mean. All capitals, all lowercase. Someone's got to sue someone here. They're capital letters versus lowercase.

No. Keep going, Mike. Keep going back and forth. The Ys, the Ys are a little similar. That's what you got going for you. The Ys. And the way they're plastered on They're kind of overlapping each other

This is so stupid They're quite similar You know what? Chewy Granola better go sue the Chewy dogs Anyway, you're sexy If you carry yourself in a sexy way I'm defending the Paul Rudds

Because it's about the Paul Rudds And it's about the Pete Davidsons It's about the Jonah Hills It's about those guys Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum were going out on the town when the 21 and 22 Jump Street movies were coming out, and I bet you they were fucking the same type of level of girls

attracting the same level of girls, because one was the guy with the washboard abs, and that's sexy, and the other guy was like the cool, fashionable, like, charming guy, and that's also sexy. Yeah, I guess we... I never let you get to the bottom of that one. Yeah, actually, my friends and I were just talking about this.

I think that ugly guys are in. See? That's what I'm saying. Well, that's... See, what's happening is you and I are doing a lot of projecting. And we're like... Yeah. Like, yeah, you don't have to be hot to be fucking likable.

That's what I said. You can just be able to talk and be funny. Right. I said I want minimals. This is an inspiration. This is like a lifetime video vanguard award for Paul Rudd. For all the guys who have gotten by on their

personality and not their looks, this one is for you. For the fucking chubby kid who's in like fourth grade right now reading People Magazine going, well, I'm not the hottest boy in class, but I could be the sexiest man one day because Paul Rudd can too. Paul Rudd's probably like five foot four. He at least feels to me like he might be under five feet.

And he's still the sexiest man alive. But the ugly guys are in. Fuck. What that reminds me of is one of my favorite tweets about fucking Adam Driver that says Adam Driver is a perfect example that in order to be hot, you got to be a little bit ugly. Yes. Yes. And I get that.

Girls definitely get that. I'm not arguing that Paul Rudd's ugly because he's not. Paul Rudd's a very handsome and great man. I'll call him a great man. He is great. He should be an elected official. He should be in charge of a lot of things. But, I mean, this is why.

I'm falling into the trap. I don't care about this, just so we're clear. Who would you give it to? Besides Jeremy Cohen. Sexy's been alive. Besides Jeremy Cohen, the weird gay guy from Mar-a-Lago. All right, so Sexy's been alive. My award to Sexy's been alive goes to the John Fodderberg

Whose Dick Would I Suck Award. And it is probably... I mean, Brady's got a hell of a right to it. He's funny. He's marketable. He's handsome. All right. It's not like a crazy thing to be on top of Brady.

No, definitely not. Definitely not. I guess, you know, in memoriam is Paul Walker, for sure. He was a great-looking dude. Yeah, Paul Walker. He was like an offensively good looking dude. Did you pop him? Did you come?

I popped the nip. Did you come? I popped the nip. Did you come? I'm trying to think right now. Jeremy Cohen, I'm taking this very seriously. That could just rattle off names. Sure.

You know who is really good looking in his prime? Trillian Murphy. That would be more of a Paul Rudd award, I think. Oh, you think so? Yeah, I think he's a handsome guy, but I think that's about his, like, he sits in a dark bar, sad boy season style, and girls like that. Not that he's ugly, but I don't think he's... But that's sexy. Yeah.

I don't know if laugh, I don't think people who smile are sexy. That's stupid. But I get what you mean. There's that smoldering, brooding look. You know who in his prime when he... I think he's looking weird right now, but when he was just clean cut, Brody Jenner

is so fucking good looking. Brody Jenner's a handsome man. Jason Momoa? Jason Momoa's like... That's like the hunky factor. I like a nice piece of beef. Yeah, he's big.

Like, like, Chalamet is gorgeous, but I want to fuck Chalamet with a puss. Like, that's not what this award is. The award is. The award is not who you want to fuck with a puss. Yeah, it's not what dude's pussy do I want to eat. It's what dude's dick do I want to suck. This award, if people does not let us decide the winner

next year, you're crazy. Clearly, we are the most qualified people in the world to do this. Alright, I'll eat Shabby's pussy. He'll suck my most dick. A threesome with those two guys. He was sucking and licking, sucking and licking, sucking and licking. Oh, heaven's the best.

Can you pull up that list again one more time? I just want to look at the previous winners because those, I want to see where the other hiccups in the road were. Yeah, I think I would go, you know, I mean, I always say this, man. He's my personal one. And also in his prime. Chris Pine is so underrated. Pine, good one.

You like him? He's so, yeah? He's so hot, especially when he has, like, the salt and pepper beard, the eyes. And people don't ever put him on, like, because it's the other Chris's. Who the hell is that guy? That's, who's that guy next to Hugh Jackman? Yeah. Who the fuck? Wait, wait, don't look.

Don't look anymore. Who the fuck? Is that Johnny Depp? No. Too young. I look anymore. Who the fuck? Is that Johnny Depp? No. Too young. I think that's Johnny Depp. That's Johnny Depp? Johnny Depp, yeah.

What? That must be like a photo fucking shopped 2009. That's a long time ago. Oh, I see how you zoom in. Okay, wait. So scroll up and scroll down a little bit. So Swayze in 91. Is that Gary?

Nick Nolte? Nick Nolte, yeah. Nick Nolte was sexiest man alive fuck you sexiest couple one year Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford were a dick and pussy wrecking force of nature

Harrison Ford look at Brad Pitt Look at Brad Pitt, bro. Look at Brad Pitt in his rookie year. Holy shit. Holy shit. You think that Richard Gere and those guys probably saw Brad Pitt on the scene and they were like, oh, fuck.

They might as well get those fucking People magazines framed because we're never going to get it. We can stop saving for the collage. We're done. Scroll back down a little bit because you know that in 19-whatever that was, let's just say People Magazine was so happy that Denzel Washington came along so they could finally not give it to a white guy because, Jesus Christ, it's a lot of white fellas. Dude, Connery was fucking knocking on death's door.

Connery wanted it at the age of like 60. Was that 89? Sean Connery was in the middle of beating his wife when he got the call about that. Jesus. You don't think I'm sexy? Oh, my God. So, yeah. I mean, this all comes down to semantics.

But that's where I think, think ironically when people say this is not a definition of sexy i think in the real world it actually is i think paul rudd is very attractive and sexy to women would you i guess he's like you're young and he's older but like would you be are you do you think paul rudd sexy yeah yeah paul rudd and clueless yeah so that's what i mean like like almost like if you could make him your age. I was going to say, you just said cute. We're talking about totally different things now. You know who I think?

I think Rob Lowe when he was younger. Yeah, Sex Bomb. Oh, Rob Lowe in Youngblood? Yikes. Sex, ba-ba-bomb, ba-bomb, ba-bomb. Well, I watched, like, I just know what he looks like. Have you seen his sex tape? You know the movie Youngblood?

It's a hockey movie, right? That's a shock. I did not expect that. Look at that one. Ah! Pablo! Hilarious. Hilarious.

And who was one of the sexiest women recently? I couldn't even tell you. That one never gets any love. Yeah, because who's going to be the one to stand up and be like, that chick's not sexy! I know. That's fucked. Yeah, do they do it anymore? Yeah, I'll take fucking Paul Rudd to the cleaners, but... Who's going to be the one to stand up and be like, that chick's not sexy. I know. That's fucked. Yeah.

Do they do it anymore? I'll take fucking Paul Rudd to the cleaners. No. Recently, Jennifer Gardner won, and it was Brandon Walker's first day. And he's like, sexiest woman alive can't be 40. I was adding the rundown back then. I had to go up to Cloud Charm and be like, can he say that? I mean, but again, if you want to be real about it, it's like you want to know the fucking

answer? It's that fucking hoe I met on Instagram. Or that fucking slut I found on OnlyFans. You know? I mean, but again, if you want to be real about it, it's like you want to know the fucking answer? It's that fucking hoe I met on Instagram or that fucking slut I found on OnlyFans. You know what I mean? That's if we're being really real about it. Because again, the difference is, you know, no one's like, oh my God, like she's so charming. It's like, no, you have to, it's much more superficial with chicks.

It is so weird. I really kind of clam up. I'll give a shit about your personality. What's your fucking bicep point, dude? How big's your cock? How big's your dick? What are you squatting, Paul Rudd? Summer is a time for wedding season.

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You're welcome i also uh while we're doing uh like celebrity talk um shailene woodley just absolutely ethering that poor bastard who just went out to get a cup of coffee and the daily mail identified him as aaron rogers when he just like doesn't even look like him at all i mean i wouldn't believe it it's if he did a mask with a hat and sunglasses on you can't see anything right his face but yeah right i guess like can't deny, you can't prove one way or the other. But, I mean, even once you look at it, I think you're kind of like, yeah, it doesn't really look like what Aaron Rodgers would look like with a mask on and all that.

But, yeah, the mask is a giveaway. Shailene Woodley is teetering on the edge of the lady doth protest too much. You know what I mean? She's going hard. Like, y'all are literally hilarious. Literally, it's hilarious that you think that. I mean, she's going hard defending what? Defending, we don't even know.

Is she saying that he was vaxxed, wasn't vaxxed? He's doing it right, he's doing it wrong. But to just be like, this guy's a small dick and a shitty car bro I mean like don't get me wrong Shailene Woodley as she likes to consider herself this massive

progressive it seems Shailene Woodley called that man gay she didn't do it in so many words but she said that's a cute car dude she said

you're a homosexual you have a cute car like no offense dude you have small small feet and then even the hairy hands and yeah she's like you have feminine hands You have a cute car Like no offense dude You have small Small feet And then even the hairy hands Yeah she's like You have feminine hands

And a girly car You're a homosexual You're smooth Your skin care regimen's great Yeah When you get your wax hands You're a little queer That's what Shailene Woodley said

I would never fuck a queer like that I can say queer Yeah queer is one of those ones you gotta let us know Like at the next meeting You can't say queer I didn't say it Shailene Woodley said it She made me say it Shailene Woodley just didn't have the balls to say queer

Shailene Woodley did not say queer Yes she did She said it in too many words If you were like what word is she defining here Emily Worley did not say queer. Yes, she did. She did not. She said it in too many words. If I were to fucking... If you were like, what word is she defining here? If we were playing the pyramid, the $25,000 pyramid, John would be going, queer. Yeah, she'd be like, all right, cute car dude, feminine hands. Queer?

Zach has been saying, I don't know if we can say this, and since then you've said it like 12 more times. Imagine if we just had to beep it every time on this episode. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. It was Shailene Woodley's words. She didn't have the stones to say it because she fetches her own water. Made me say it. You know what? She just business insidered you.

She's just saying sexual assault and rape and all these things, not actually calling it out, leading you to think that. You, you just fell for her trap. That's all. I did. Shailene Woodley fucking queer trapped me. She queer baited me. I love when Zach has his attack of conscience where he's like,

I like the podcast side of me. The humor side of me will contribute to that. But man, I'm bringing my people down. That's funny. But yeah, that guy must have been like, has that guy come out? That guy should just capitalize on his 15 minutes and get something fun out of this.

You know what I mean? If you come out, you're like, I'm the guy who Shailene Woodley thinks is a queer. He totally thought you might come out of the clock. what I mean like if you come out you're like I'm the guy who like Shailene Woodley thinks is a queer like totally thought you might come out of the clock totally would have

thought yeah that too yeah that too but I you should come out by fucking you know that move that thing in LA

like where the canal or whatever it is it takes place in a lot of movies like Gone in 60 Seconds yeah yeah yeah you should be just fucking barreling

down that thing with a pair of fucking gorilla hands on the wheel of some big truck. What the fuck's up, Shaley? Do you respect me now, Shaley? He hops out wearing

like Ronald McDonald fucking shoes that are huge. He's wearing like flippers. He's combing his hands. Look at my monster truck, Shaley. I even like big little lies, but this attention is killing me.

Yeah. Anyway, Shaylee Woodley eats clay. It's good for placenta, right? I don't know about that. Is it good for pregnant ladies? I think she said something about it sucks out your negative energy or something. You eat it and it absorbs the negativeness.

Along with all the fucking liquid in your body. One of the stuff you need to function as a human, you dumb asshole. Alright. Shailene is constantly walking around with a fucking Thule? No. What's a Yeti? With a Yeti bottle, drinking it like one of those

fucking hamsters. This is Shailene Woodley's cinnamon roll. She's just like, Ew! Ew! Oh no! and hamsters. This is Shailene Woodley's cinnamon roll. She's just like, Ew! Ew! Oh, no! That's what Shailene does. That's worse than the ice, isn't it?

That's worse than the ice. Honestly, zero taste. Yeah? Like, none. You could do this. Take a bite of this. I feel like you're lying. Zero taste. Oh, I hate like you're lying. Zero taste. Oh, I hate this so much. But the texture, whatever, but the zero taste, right?

I'm going to eat a little bit. You going to swallow it? If it was Play-Doh, I would eat this shit. Am I going to die? Shailene Woodley hasn't died yet. What if I eat this? What if I eat this? Do I die?

No. You get all the negative energy out or some shit. Shailene Woodley, whatever happens to me next is on you. Yep. He did it. He Shailene Woodley'd it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

That was good. That was slick. How'd you do it? Did you put it by? Yeah. Do it, though. Blow a bubble. You trying to blow a bubble?

He did it now. It's gone. Now I did it? Did you put it by? Yeah. Do it, though. Blow a bubble. You trying to blow a bubble? Ah! He did it now. Ah! It's gone. Now I did it. Now I did it. Shaley Woodley, my death is at your hands. I am a little worried, if I'm being totally honest. I wish I didn't do that.

I'll be honest. I don't even know if this is clay. I don't know. This could be something else. That was strictly done so people on the internet don't call me a pussy. If you want to talk about fucking uh being a coward like i i i wish i didn't just eat clay we have no research on what that was yeah i know i have had my share of mental health issues of health issues lately yeah i wish i didn't eat that

i just love the things that this podcast will make you say i wish i didn't eat that that's a sentence i bet I didn't eat that client. That's a sentence I bet you didn't think you were saying today. Just straight up. We have been doing some wacky shit on the show, man. I just want the chicken heads to acknowledge. Huh? Non-toxic. Non-toxic, we're good.

Non-toxic? Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Kids are going to eat this all the time. Keep doing a little research, just making sure. But yeah, I should be fine. That's what happens to Shailene. Tweet at Shailene what happens when you eat this shit. Eat and Keep doing a little research, just making sure. But yeah, I should be fine. That's what happens to Shailene. Tweet at Shailene what happens when you eat this shit.

Eat and clay. Dude, I saw a tweet today. Eat and clay. It was something like, you have a mental illness. Why do you do this stuff? Think about yourself. What's wrong with you that you desire the attention of strangers so much? Right, right.

It's like, my fucking mental illness, Stephanie. Yeah. That's what it is. That's why. I want to figure out what it is. Speaking of tweets, we'll do this really quick. Did you see my quote tweet this morning about men? It is so goddamn sad.

This tweet. Let me pull it up real quick. It is some really fucked up stuff. You got it? What can you zoom in? It said, I just read a next door post with I imagine some website. I just read a next door post it is some really fucked up stuff. You got it? What can you zoom in? I just read a next door post, I imagine it's some website.

I just read a next door post with a woman looking for friends for her 40-something husband to play music with. And there are a lot of women offering up their friendless husbands. And then if you open that tweet and just scroll through, it's like guys just being like,

yeah, I don't have friends anymore. Like it's just tons of men being like, I don't, I'm a friendless husband. Same thing with me, same thing't have friends anymore. It's just tons of men being like, I don't. I'm a friendless husband. Same thing with me. Same thing with me, bro. I free time with my kids. Also, my friends kind of stopped calling a few years back.

I guess I'll be lonely when my kids grow up. Love my life right now, though. Same thing happened to me, man. Did they stop calling when you had kids? I was so confused because I was able to still go meet up for beers or go out to eat, but never got the calls anymore. It is just... Yo, bro. Manhood...

It's the straights. It's the heteros. ...is crazy. Dude, I mean, it's one person's fault and one person's fault only. Women. But here's the thing, right? If the shoes on the other foot...

Because guess what what most of these guys gonna kill themselves yeah and and but if you scroll down there's a guy there's a woman or there's a quote that said like my my my wife has friends that's john mulaney and they have husbands yeah yeah john mulaney is my dad doesn't have friends my mom has friends and they have husbands right um and uh oh god that fucking clay tastes so bad. It tastes like nothing. He's lying. No,

it tastes bad. It tastes bad. But the, what was I going to say? Fuck, I got sidetracked. Oh, it's like 80%

or 90% of suicides are men. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. If 90% of suicides were women, we would get fucking, they would crush us

look what men do with women they drive them to suicide but no one cares you know what this month is? I meant to make this a whole thing I was supposed to do this all month long this is men's health awareness month and nobody, I mean I forgot to do it I was like that's gonna be our thing

and we didn't even do it yeah and I've seen like one post that was like, that's going to be our thing, and we didn't even do it. Yeah, and I've seen one post that was a girl being like, check in on your boyfriend, your husband, your brother, your male friends, because they 80% kill themselves, 70% don't cry. Well, guess what? Men had it good for long enough. Not me. Right, right.

Honestly, people, I haven't had Not me. Right. Right. Honestly, people. I haven't had it good. Yeah. My whole life, you guys have been taking it back. That's such a great fucking point.

You know what? Do you know what men are right now? Dangerous species, Kevin. Suicidal endangered species. We're going to be the first species to ever go extinct on purpose

we're gonna be like I'm the last one alive bro motherfuckers giving General Cornwallis credit for fucking shit giving me credit for shit General Cornwallis got to live for we are men are Yankee fans

and we had this fucking alone illustrious run as white men at the top. Not currently. Currently, we ain't even making the playoffs, John. Currently, we're getting swept in the fucking first round. And I'm not even arguing that we should be

making the playoffs. I'm just saying stop yelling at me. Stop with the fucking... I'm just saying stop yelling at me. Yeah, stop with the fucking... I didn't do anything. The man's correct. The man's correct. I don't know what the moans and groans are from the peanut gallery.

Shit is true. Shit is fucking true, man. You were born to... Guess what, motherfucker? Time to pay up. We are getting there. Yep. Men in this world have had too good for too long.

Give me a male baby. It's his fault. Throw him off the fucking mountainside. Men now have the original sin of just being born. Yes. Yes. That's really what it is. And also, I get it.

I do get where they're coming from. It's just unfair for us. It's unfair for the guys who are taking it out on us. Just don't yell. Yeah. I'm going to go kill myself in Omaha after looking for a band member on Nextdoor.

It's like, don't. Here's where our bar is at. Don't yell at me. And let me have a friend. That's all I want. I don't need to fuck the women anymore. I don't need to get the high-paying job. Just stop yelling and let me watch the game with somebody else.

But that was the thing the other day. Look at the head on that guy. Well, I didn't let him see a male face. Look at that. Look at that. Look at the head on that guy. We're not even letting you see a male face. That's ridiculous. That is the male side here now. The number one feminist podcast,

number one men in this podcast. Suck or die. Give me the ivermectin. I forgot what I was just gonna say The ivermectin will sidetrack you every time Fuck

You know But I mean I Usually I preface these things Like I'm generalizing I'm stereotyping Whatever All guys lose their friends

When they get married My dad's got friends Did he keep them the whole time? Did he come back around? All guys lose their friends when they get married. My dad's got friends. Did he keep them the whole time? Did he come back around? Because that kind of happens eventually too because they're like, we're going to die soon. Fuck my wife.

I'm going to go hang out with my friends. But that in-between phase, and that's why I think shit goes wrong where it's like, well, I went from a life of having friends and hanging out and also dating you and all that, and then it just goes the fuck away where you're not allowed to do that anymore. You're, you're, you're,

everybody gets whipped eventually when you're stuck in like a shitty relationship. If you have a happy relationship and you have friends like go fuck yourself. No, I think that one's because he, I mean, he's always gone to like sporting events. He just goes with his friends.

So you're saying your dad, he's stuck with his friends the whole time. I think so. It's his poly's down to ride. She's a down ass bitch. If you have a down ass bitch, like good for you. Fine. You know?

But everybody else, it's like, it's not, you're whipped in the sense of like, it's not like you're not allowed to. It's that you do it and you're like, I, I'm going to like, this is going to be, I'm going to pay for this for like two weeks and it's not fucking worth it. You know what I mean? It's like, I could go out with like my guy friends right now, but it's be a whole fucking problem so like i'll just catch you at the next one guys and then you do that for like five straight years until it's over until then you're just like old fat and you have kids you're like well now i don't even want to go out and that's then and then you

you know you go in the garage and turn the car on that's the life cycle for men that's really it but hey it's men's health month awareness the stats are depressing what is it i i wish i could find the one that is just like i mean yeah these are some of them but it's just like 90 of everyone who's unhappy are men it's crazy man i think just everyone's unhappy fucking deal with it well yeah we're also we're number one feminist podcast number one menace podcast number one mental health podcast number one anti-mental health podcast yeah we're anti-constitution we're heavy anti-constitution big time fuck the constitution fuck the constitution so yeah it's almost like i wouldn't i don't need to complain about this except that you guys get you get the dog and pony show.

If we're going to do the whole fucking show for you guys, then we've got to do the whole show for us, or we're jumping off the bridge. Here's how we can do it. We can either tone down your... Who's you in this? The women. The women.

We can tone down all your shit. We can ramp up all our shit. Or you can find me hanging in the garage. Your fucking choice. Let's everyone shut up. Yeah. Everybody shut up or... Well, then we're getting out the sledgehammer after this segment.

So I'm going to save that for... Let's get into Am I the Asshole. Am I the Asshole video voicemails and then we got two interviews today we got Mike Feeney and Colin Quinn the legendary Colin Quinn in studio this time as opposed to the last time when he did a Zoom call

one football field away from his computer so Colin Quinn within like I could see his face in studio. But first, am I the assholes brought to you by upstart. If you are stuck in debt,

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number that got fucked up that one time because you weren't paying like your gym membership or something that you didn't even know about it. Exactly. Yeah. I think I'm there right now. I'm afraid to check my credit score. Uh, I don't mean Jim.

I didn't mean our credit score. I think I do have, um, crunch. What was it called? Right. That's right here. They call you.

You did have a little phase. Yeah. Once he moved, I was done. Um, but I, I have one a crunch and they called me during the pandemic and they were like yeah you got to pay your gym membership and i was like get the fuck out of here they're like i was

like what are you talking about and they were like well you still got to pay it and i was like no i fucking don't and they're probably like okay your credit course your credit score sucks now um like you showed me um actually maybe at some point we'll check my credit score for the show online together. It'll be like, roll the dice, 460. Never get in the house again. But Upstart will help me, and they will let me get that loan, let me consolidate that debt, let me pay off that big expense that might pop out of nowhere. You never know when you're going to need money.

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it out. I felt pretty frustrated with that and told him straight up that I knew he didn't forget how to clean since he moved in with me. He was always very competent living alone and I didn't appreciate him forgetting how to do chores. I said that when I asked him to do the dishes, he refused. And when he finally refused, he did them wrong and that's not that stupid. Anyway, this might be petty, but I decided

to start to give believing him a try. So he had bleach stains, my favorite little black dress. Instead of getting mad, next time he had a family event, I put it on. He asked me if I was really going to wear that. It looked messy. I said that I love that dress and understand accidents happen. So I wasn't mad or upset that he bleached spots i actually thought it looked kind of cool he said he really thought it looked bad and said that if he wants that if he wants he could sharpie in the white spots real quick in the uber it ended up looking even worse another time we were having dinner and he had done the dishes but put some of the cups and bowls in the dishwasher upside down so they filled with dirty dishwater i took those cups and bowls in the dishwasher upside down. So they filled with dirty dishwater. I took those cups and bowls, dumped them out in the sink, didn't wash them further and served him food in that. He said that it was dirty. And I was like, Hey, they just came

out of dishwasher. It's just water. It's fine. He said that that was disgusting. Uh, last time I worked, I had cooked for a work party of his after cooking the dish needs to be cool for about 30 minutes, then be refrigerated. I had plans with my friends that night and asked them to put the dish in after it cooled. He forgot. The next morning, he noticed the dish was never refrigerated. I said, fine. It was just a mistake and that it could be fine to eat. There wasn't a lot of meat in it. He got frustrated and said that

he can't leave meat that's been out overnight. And I said, oh, I think it'll be okay. Stuff happens. So, she just continually keeps trying to out-petty him with his I don't know how to do anything anymore routine to try to get out of chores. I think you're a genuine lunatic if you do this as a guy. The, like, I don't know how to do things so that you get out of doing chores?

I have a person with no self-respect, and I'm still like, I can do that. Like, that's fucking easy. That's, like, you're purposely ruining your girlfriend's dresses so you don't have to do laundry anymore? You're a fucking psycho. Yeah, that's crazy. That is crazy. You're ruining a dress your girlfriend

feels sexy in because you don't feel like putting stuff in the dishwasher? That's the easiest job in the world. Now, folding? Maybe I won't fold things. See, that's what I mean, though. I think everybody might have their thing that they would be willing to throw in order to... I would throw nothing. What about folding?

I would not throw anything. I might be bad at it, but I would not throw anything. You would not do it intentionally worse. I think you're fucking deranged. If you... Like, if you intentionally, like, I don't know how to fold. Yeah. Like, I don't know how to fold.

I fucking hate it, but... I don't think I've ever dated anybody i don't know how to fold i also hate it but i don't think i've ever dated anybody stupid enough to like fall for this right like i've recently this like recently popped up on my radar become what infomercial like oh how do i fold this t-shirt there was something else recently that was talking about this and i was kind of like for real like like girls actually eventually just don't like some girls will be like okay i'll just do everything because he can't do it. Like that's equally stupid. As deranged as the guy is, that's as stupid as the girl is.

They'll just be like, he doesn't know how to. It's like he's a fucking human. That's what I don't get when you start dating a girl and they can't do anything either. And it's like, you were single before I met you. You paid bills and drove a car and washed this and cleaned that and got home by yourself and found the restaurant by yourself. You know what I mean? You found parking spots by yourself before you were dating me. Why do you now have to call me and say there's no parking spots?

Like, I can fucking help you over the phone find a parking spot. Where should I park? I don't know. Just pretend I'm dead. Wherever your car fits. Anytime your girl asks Where should I park? Just pretend I'm dead. Anytime your girl asks you something like that, say, I'm dead. I'm just dead right now. Find a place that your car can fit in.

Now, there are times, I think, in relationships where the be this male or female, the breadwinner in the family could say, I don't know how to fold. I don't have time to fold. I'm too busy writing the rent check.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a flex. That's a flex. You'd be like, ah, I'm not doing that. That's not what I do. I provide the house and home. See? And that could go either way.

I'm not doing one way or the other. I know it's fucking... Dude, that's the problem. Dude, we're just arguing about... It could go either way. But guess what? That is what... I'm not doing that one.

That's what's going away, away john that's what we don't have anymore that's where we we lost our hand guys used to kind of be able to be like not fucking doing that we let women get jobs yes the minute they can vote they can uh do all the other shit we should have never let them get money. Because the minute that they could pay their own bills, now we gotta do everything. But they don't. The chicks don't. Chicks can still just stick to chick stuff. Guys have to do

chick stuff and guy stuff. And that's bullshit. That's what sucks. We should have been like, we really should have never let them pay rent. We should have let them make enough money but not enough to buy shelter and then it would be like i'm not folding because you have a house and like if you want me to fold you have to have a house and they'd be like all right i'm gonna keep folding then we

just we had it we had a deal it's like costanza with the pigeons like we had a deal everything was working for a long time. And when I say working, I mean for the guys. And then, we let them get jobs. Fucked up, man. Am I the asshole? Kevin is fucking...

I am number one men in this podcast today. Getting a hot glue gun and fixing that glass ceiling. Am I the asshole for reverse trick-or-treating with my wife? Good evening. This happened a few nights ago, but I just heard it was causing drama today. My wife and I moved into a

neighborhood a few weeks ago, and we live somewhat rural. We're in a small town, under 5,000 people, but have four dozen homes within a 20-minute walk. We know there aren't any kids in the neighborhoods, and we were told to expect no trick-or-treaters. So my wife and I dressed up in costumes we had easy access to, nothing controversial or inappropriate, and we stocked up on candy.

We made little baggies for each house in our neighborhood, and about a dozen fun-sized... On Halloween night, we went from house to house, and about half the people opened up for us. We'd give them candy, introduce ourselves, and move on. We started at 6.30 and finished around 8.30. Boy, do I hate these people. Now I know why you knew what I was going to think. Today, while going to the mall, my wife overheard a group of people talking about the new weird

neighbors who decided to take up a chunk of everyone's evening on a Sunday night. That mixed with the two houses on our route telling us that people don't do that kind of thing in our neighborhood, and one telling us we're going to burn in hell for celebrating a satanic holiday has me thinking that, A, we might have at least one loony neighbor, and, B, maybe we have crossed the line going out in the evening.

I'm discussing this satanic panic right away, but multiple people tell us we weren't welcome and that the stuff my wife overheard, I'm considering maybe we were out of line. Well, this is, wait a minute, there's a lot going on here. You are, you and your wife are a couple of assholes if you reverse trick or treat. I disagree totally. It's so, no, stop it. That's fun.

No, it's not. I wouldn't do it, but I'd be like, oh, this is cool. No, it's weird. When someone knocked on my door, handed me a Snickers bar, I was like, what's up? I'm Rick. I'm like, hey, man, nice to meet you. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't really care, but that's weird. It's, it's, I wouldn't do it, but I would be happy to have someone do it to me.

If my girlfriend asked me to do it, I'd be like, absolutely not. I wish you didn't have a job, and I wish I paid for the rent here. I would not want to do it. You're right. If someone did it, I would just be like, oh, cool, thanks. I would take the candy. I'd be like, oh, thanks. Cool.

I'd close the door. They're fucking weird. And then I certainly wouldn't accuse them of satanic rituals. If they were completely normal, it depends on how they are. If they were completely normal people and like it was like

kind of like a fun three to five minutes, I think that's a pretty cool little thing. If they were like, like hello, and they're kind of just sitting there

silent, but like that was fucking weird. Yeah. But like anything, if you're personable, if they came around and they were like

the fun, like you need people like that in your life. You need people like that to keep things interesting. Otherwise, it's just fucking... You need me on that wall. You need me reverse trick-or-treating. What's it? Just another fucking day where your wife's on fucking...

Instagram while you're fucking... No, neighbor being like... Nextdoor.com. Yeah. Like, oh, that's an interesting night. You need stuff like that. Otherwise, it's just the same night every single day until you die. That night, at least someone fucking knocked on your door

and you got a little something to talk about. It's a little different. That's fun. This actually sounds like a good setup for swinging. For some swinging. Like we showed up with a bowl of candy and it was kind of like, wink, wink. Let's fucking wife swap in the basement. That sounds more interesting fucking husband's dick.

That seems like one. I don't know. I don't know how often. If that's happening, maybe I fucking understand the satanic rumors that are flying around. Yeah, this town sounds weird. This town sounds like they've got some issues like we don't go out at night. And if you do, you worship the devil. That's fucking bizarre.

This is some horror movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, absolutely. I mean, yeah, ultimately, I don absolutely. That's, I mean, yeah. Ultimately, I don't think you're that weird or... You're definitely not the asshole. You're not an asshole. People who are like they're satanic are assholes. Yeah, the satanic people are assholes.

I will say that you are... How about this? These people are assholes not because of this, but the people who would do this, I know do a bunch of other shit that would make you an asshole. You probably do other stuff, but these people who would do this, I know do a bunch of other shit that would make you an asshole. You'd probably do other stuff, but these people are... You need your friend who organizes shit.

You need your friend who's like, let's go do something different. You need that friend. Because otherwise, you're just doing the same thing. Yeah, but when it's your girlfriend or your significant other, that's a nuisance. It can be, but also it just sucks sitting around at home, too. I would, if this couple is listening to this show, it's a nuisance. It can be, but also like, it just sucks sitting around at home too. Yeah. There's,

I, I would, if this couple is listening to the show, I would fucking hang out with you. I'll say that's true though. I'd do it one time at least. You can't roll up in a neighborhood and fuck up the way they do things though.

You know? Uh huh. Like they, this, this neighborhood, maybe you can say it sucks, but they've got some weird shit where you don't go out at night

because of Satan. And you just roll in and you're the new couple who's like hey we go out after the sun goes down i don't know you're fucking that was on the realtor if we have like she gave me a heads up there rituals in the neighborhood and we all lock our doors and pull the blinds out at sundown let me know before i fucking take out a loan yeah right right before i before i you know get a 30 year mortgage in this fucking weird satanic neighborhood uh all right voicemail time what we got some video voicemails today let them rip what's up kfc fights nick zach josh mikey jackie sup jay last year when i was like single and depressed during the pandemic i thought about

writing like a life book obviously i didn't but I was going to name it Average because I'm pretty much average at everything I do. Sports, relationships, family, dick, work, obviously. So my question is, if you were to write a life book about yourself, what would the title of yours be? I've had this idea. I was going to call it Medium. It was a very similar idea.

I was going to do something medium. It was a very similar idea. I was going to do something like a similar idea of just like middle of the road on everything you ever... I was kicked around basically all those words. Average, medium,

middle of the road. Like anything that's just like, yep, just a guy. I think I would also... I think I would call it baby daddy. Baby Daddy? Yeah, because I'm still a baby, because I'm still a child.

A little double entendre, like I'm a single dad, but I'm also still a baby myself. I'm a daddy who's a baby. So these are all my trials and tribulations. I'm my own baby daddy. Yes, exactly. Exactly. I don't even know if we ever used it,

but it was thrown around with something we were working on, like wisdom from the unwise. I like that. Because there are times we say things that are accidentally prophetic? Nope. Profound? Profound. My point.

They are where it's like, oh, that works as an idea. I don't want to put it to practice, but it is. You know what? We should have a book called Broken Clocks. We're blind squirrels. We're broken clocks. We'll stumble upon some shit every now and then. We'll find a nut.

We'll get the time right a couple times a day. Quidditch! No. The, yeah, it is, it's a fucking, it's all just self-deprecating, which is, all those self-help books. Self-deprecation is the thing. It is crazy, too. I like that.

He's like, so I come on average piece of shit, depressed, write a self-help book. Dude, I don't know. Why don't you go talk to the mirror for a little bit, see how that works out before you put pen to paper. Help yourself before you help. You know what? That kid is like airplanes going down. Put your own mask on first, dude.

Before you can help others, you got to save your own life, bro. A game of city fights, Nick, Jackie, Zach, and the rest of the crew so i moved from new york a couple years ago and after moving i came out and a girl they did in high school that came out to me like he like slid that in didn't he sent me a photo of us from prom with the title look now we're both gay um kind of didn't expect that i haven't talked to a girl like 10 years so i showed my boyfriend he was freaking dying um so my question is have you ever had anyone where they you both turn each other gay uh let me know bro you listen to this show we're not gay dude so unless i'm getting in trouble for saying queer earlier i'm not gay dude Unless I'm getting in trouble for saying queer earlier

I'm not gay Otherwise I'm about to be cancelled I'm queer Guess who's gonna have a little fucking Walk on the wild side He doesn't get in trouble Upload some shit On Instagram

See I can say it If you're talking about That water bottle I can say it Okay How much trouble Would you have to get in

Before you're like Piled the game for five years That's a great question Like Then I'll come back If I was Probably I don't know

Who knows You know the first thing I would do What if you fucking Fake game You're like Hang on a second These guys might have

Been on to something I swear to god That's probably what would happen. I almost wish, I hope, that someone tries to cancel me for saying something homophobic so that I have to fake being gay so that I can finally just admit it to myself and come out. This is like, so last night we went to see... I could do that like right now. Lawsuit from Zach. Last night we went to RE Garbage can do that right now. Lawsuit from Zach. Last night we went to RE Garbage

and we were talking about Skankfest. So Louis Gomez and the... Louis J. Gomez, Legion of Skanks guys, they just put on Skankfest in the south, down in Austin, or Houston. Houston. And it was like another rousing success. Amazing time.

Every comic you've heard on this show went down there performed there was live bands live music people drank all weekend it was great and um and then kevin uh from are you garbage was telling us about how when they did skank fest up here in new york that they sent somebody like a blog sent a hit piece writer into skank fest as like a spy as like a mole to go in there and kick up all the dirt and get all the information to write a hit piece and the skanks turned him and they were like this is actually amazing this is like one of the best events i've ever been to i love these guys that

is uh is basically what i need to like that's what i need to happen with gay you know what i mean like i would i would be like all right i need need to go undercover to save my career here. And they'd be like, actually, I'm never going back. This is amazing. Water is warm! Come on! I mean, think about it. We keep saying the only problem is

the sexual stuff, right? I was thinking something different from my garbage last night. I think Foley was setting up a joke about how he's lucky, he's like lucky or happy. He didn't grow up in like the world now, like as a kid. And then he went a completely different direction than I thought he was going to go with it. But I was like, I was like, oh, I, if, if, if think about it, the worlds were reversed.

Right. And like you grew up and everyone's gay, but you're you. Right. Are you going to be like, oh no, I like. I'm straight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You up and everyone's gay. But you're you. Right. Are you going to be like, oh, no, I like pussy. I'm straight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nah, you're going to be gay, dude. Right, right.

You're going to be like, yeah, me too, boys. Like, 100%. If I grew up and everyone was gay, gay man. We'd be in the closet as a gay guy. 100%. That's how easily influenced I am. We'd be in the closet as a straight guy. I would be in the closet as a straight guy. 100%. That's how easily influenced I am. We'd be in the closet as a straight guy. I would be in the closet as a straight guy.

I would be like, yeah, fine, we're all... I think John just solved the whole coming out problem. What is it? People just not understanding. Coming out of the closet, I think John just solved it. I honestly don't know what you're saying, but if I solve something, I'm going to agree. I feel like if anything in life, you told me that if I got together with 10 people and

eight of them wanted sushi and I wanted pizza or something, I'd be like, I'm just going to eat sushi. I'll just make it easier. Sushi it is. But I guess if your whole life you're eating sushi and you're like, I just want some pizza and I don't want to have to eat it in the closet when no one's looking, eventually you're just like eating the pizza in front of them.

So I get both sides of it. I get being in the closet. I get coming out of the closet. And I can't wait to do it. Don't you dare tell Tom about this. If you tell Ricky, Larry, Bobby, Steve, or any of those motherfuckers, I ain't your puss. I'm going to be furious.

We need a puss counter in this episode. That's at least like the ninth time he's ever been. I'd be so fucking in the closet straight. Coming out of the closet is crazy. You've got to be nuts to come out of the closet. Oh, I'd be like 1950s in the closet straight? Coming out of the closet is crazy. You gotta be nuts to come out of the closet. Oh, I'd be like 1950s in the closet, too. Not one of those, like,

I think he might be a you-have-no-idea. Right, no, absolutely. I'd be fucking pushing back alleys all over the place. I'd be straight bashing. You know what I mean?

I'd be beating up straight people. I would be a straight basher for sure. Hate crimes for all the guys' fucking chicks. I would be super heterophobic. I'm like, like, ew.

Are him and Stephanie holding hands? Gross. They need their own entrances. They need their own fucking restaurant. Get rid of them. Get rid of the straights. Get rid of those sexy women. Get rid of the straights and all those beautiful women with their tits and ass.

It's so flamboyant out there. Look, you don't have to flaunt it in our faces. I don't really care what you do behind closed doors, but you have to put that pussy in my face, okay?

What would be like the straight version of like Fire Island back then when it was like just a party where everyone's fucking fucking Pittsburgh. Yeah, just like what is the straightest

place in America? Uh, God. Straightest place in America. Yeah, to quote Tom Brenneman the straight capital of the world

was fucking straight. Who's Tom Brenneman? He was the guy who got canceled for talking about Kansas City because it was the whatever capital of the world. I actually don't know

what he said. I just Wait, is he the Castellanos guy? Yes. Okay, so I know that part. He said Kansas City was the F word capital of the world. I actually don't know what he said. Wait, is he the Castellanos guy? Yes. Okay, so I know that part. He said Kansas City was the F word capital of the world. Jesus!

I didn't know that. I also didn't know that. I was like, word? What about San Francisco and all those places? Because I also think you could say the straightest place in the world would be the most conservative place. Well, Pittsburgh number two? There you go.

How to pull that one out of my ass, Johnny Boy. Birmingham, Alabama. I can see that. I think, yeah. I can see that. I think, yeah. But these are all so skewed. It's all places where they would be like, no way they're trying to figure out if I'm gay or not. That's what I'm saying.

There's a bunch of gays in Birmingham, Hoover, Alabama who are just toe-tapping. Like fucking, what do you call it? Fucking per capita like no way it's just that's people who don't

trust the government they want me to fill this form out so they can so they can fucking I'm not getting a vaccine and I'm gonna I'm straight

send me over to San Francisco or whatever you just said yeah yeah yeah I mean it's probably just like one of the like the most it's just it's just all

the exact places you think yeah would be like where are the least gay the exact places you think would be like, we're the least gay people. Exactly what you think. I think like somewhere where there's a lot of ice fishing. I feel like the last thing gay guys are going to do is ice fishing. You know what I mean?

Just regular fishing. That is it. Major straight flag. Wherever there's like the most pictures of guys with fish and their fucking profiles. I was on a bachelor party this summer where we went out for... Bro. Yeah. Wherever there's like the most pictures of guys with fish in their fucking like profiles. Bro, I was on a bachelor party this summer where we went out for, I swear to God, I had my line in the water for 30 seconds before I was like, guys, this is so dumb. I hate it.

I'll hang out with you, but I'm not going to pretend to finish. Yeah. It's a drinking thing for sure. All right. One more voicemail. We'll get to our interviews. KFC, Fights, Jackie, the whole crew. What's up?

I'm Kelly. I'm one of your previous winners Of the Social Distancing Game Show Back in the heat of lockdown I was that girl that Wrapped herself in a trash bag And put a Miller Lite bucket on her head And spilled two full bags of chips on the floor And now I have a screenshot of it

In my Hinge profile, so thanks for that Going back to Jeff Be bezos his girlfriend fucking leonardo dicaprio there's lots of rumors out there which you guys may have heard of i think k marco wrote a blog about it a while back of him putting on noise canceling headphones and listening to edm music and just laying there like a dead fish. So my question to you guys is, what's the weirdest thing that someone has done while you've been hooking up with them? Ooh. Let's put this to bed.

No, what's the right word? Let's make our declaration once and for all. Do you think Leo puts in headphones and only has doggy-style sex? No. Or do you think it happened enough that it is a thing? Or do you think that's just a made-up thing? Wait, where did we say that? Because I think it's a thing? Or do you think it's just a made-up thing? Wait, where did we say that? Because I think it's a thing that he...

No, it was on the rundown yesterday. I think it's a thing that he's happy to let go. Yeah. Because then when he fucking eats puss, he is... Every time Nick goes, ew. What was that? You said that on here. I said that on here?

Yeah. Okay. I thought that was a rundown, too. I thought that was a rundown for sure. We never know it all just keeps fucking yeah it all

blends together whatever when it first when it first happened it was that girl Morgan Stewart I think

on E which was like kind of a big deal she was she was the one who like outed that if you will

I think or at least popularized it because it was on the E! Network. It was a major station that said it. Oh, I didn't know that. I thought it was rumors that just became rumors. No, yeah.

Well, at least that's where I found out. On E! was like, Leo fucking smashes doggy with an iPod Nano up his ass. He said it on Twitter. Where else is he holding it, Nick? Zach? Nick, Zach? Zach, Nick? That rumor

was pre-Bluetooth. You know what I bet he does? I bet he puts it on her. He just has a, like, like this. And I hope at that time he had the wheel, and I hope he's just wheeling on her ass. Skip. Let me skip this song. I don't even like

MGMT anymore. I think he did it. I think that was real. I'm sure he did it at one time, but I can't imagine. That's just not a fun way to fuck every single time. Well, that's why I think he's a sex addict who needs to just dump a load at a chick and just get off that. Who among us isn't?

Yeah, right? Come on. That whole thing. Just need to get a nut off, bro. Yeah, we all do. What was the question? What is the weirdest thing someone's ever, like,

done during sex? Which is a pretty broad question that we've never answered. I was inside someone the first time a girl called a guy daddy. You are a trailblazer.

She is a trailblazer. She was a trailblazer. You are a victim. I remember telling people that and everyone was like, what the fuck? Honestly, John, add it to the list. That's the sixth time you were sexually assaulted. That's like, she is a trailblazer she was a trailblazer you are a victim I remember telling people that and everyone was like what the fuck honestly John add it to the list

that's the sixth time you were sexually assaulted that's like that's pretty heavy to just drop on someone step porn like type shit I would tell them that story

for years and people were like Jesus Christ she called you what I was like daddy yeah now it's like whatever but back then it was like whoa

that's in a cool way whoa I'm gonna call you again when I'm back in like you know the midwest for another tour I'll fuck you again daughter did you try to like match or do anything back fuck no bro I know when I'm out of my depth

you start treading water at that point you don't swim against the car you let the ocean take you call for help. That's it at that point. Yeah, hope a fucking tugboat finds you. Just get the symbol. John's out there doing that thing on TikTok.

Oh, daddy. So that's a good one. I'm happy you have that. That's a good one. The weirdest thing. I once, Halloween nighteen night many many years ago girl i was hooking up with maybe the second time we like had sex uh i'm like laying like we're like laying down and she just whispered in my ear i love you and it was like this can't be real oh

i fucking dropped love bombs all over the place yeah you're a weirdo she was just like i love you like almost like kelvin klein obsession she just like, I love you. Almost like Calvin Klein obsession. She was like, I love you. And I was like, fuck. I don't say it. I was like,

I am dressed as a Chilean minor and you are dressed and I don't even know what the fuck has. What? Why would you say that? I fucked her anyway. I don't say it.

I've said it too early before, but I don't just randomly say it because there's some random dudes dropping I love you in your ear, you know you're not leaving that room ever. Yeah, no, that's weird. You are not leaving this room alive. If you're fucking a stranger and he says I love you in your ear, you're dead. Enjoy your last few moments.

Yes, absolutely. You might as well try to come. Try really hard to come. It'll be the last thing you do on this planet. Yep, yep. I had, the very first time I had sex, lost my virginity, the girl in the middle of sex asked if I wanted to do anal. And I was like, Jesus Christ.

Here I am trying to make it like a special thing. And you're fucking, I was like, maybe. Why is she over my ass, Kev? I don't know why she talks like a plumber in there. Yeah, I didn't fucking truck her, dude. Fuck. Hey, Kev, what do you think, give it my business to rear?

I'm like, rear the business. I can't talk, I hate clay, I'm fucking hallucinating. I'm trying to think if there's anything else. Weirdest things while hooking up. There definitely is some. I feel like I was involved in all the early stuff. I feel like I had a finger in the butt early. I was like, whoa, okay.

I don't remember the first time that happened. That feels like something you should remember. I don't remember my first time that happened. Kevin's this, what call it fog of war I was having sex with my girlfriend in high school And her little brother Like came home And I guess like hurt us

And was throwing things against the bedroom door Just angrily? Yeah Get out of my sister Yeah basically like there was a big enough age difference that he was much younger but enough that it was like we were kind of friendly boys, just like, hey, what's up

kid, you know? And it was like, we were friends until he realized that I was just like, tapping that ass. And he was like, fuck, now I don't like that. I've had a dog lick my ass. Time for our interviews. It wasn't, I've had a dog lick my ass. Time for our interviews. It wasn't, I've told this story.

I think wetness touched my buttocks. I don't know if it was licking, but it could have been a wet nose. I just don't like that you said buttocks. Puss and buttocks. My teeth weren't spread, it wasn't like getting in my hole. For the love of God, interviews now. Colin Quinn is on KFC Radio.

From that to comedic legend Colin Quinn on KFC Radio. Let's talk to him. Are we rolling? Yeah. Come on. Slide, Mike. Yeah, slide. Yeah.

What I love is... I love how Colin's so scared of us. Was that what happened? You're sitting all the way over there. We're not going to bite. You fucking told me to slide. No, I needed to slide the chair and then you could slide that.

This is why you hate it, right? Colin just said before you walked in, he said, I fucking hate doing podcasts. I hate doing podcasts. That's my man. I don't like doing them, man. I don't consider you guys

like a podcast because you're too big. I was really insulting my friends. Why do you hate it? Because there's so many and it's so saturated like everything else, that every conversation I'm like, did I have this conversation with you? Did you have it with somebody else?

Did I have it with that person? It's like everybody's kind of like, you know, especially when you're all in the same industry. Right. And so now what I was telling my friends the other day, like, always want me to be on that stupid podcast. And then I go, okay. But then they go, so what's going on? How was your week? I go, no, no, no, like, always want me to be on that stupid podcast. And then I go, okay. But then they go, so what's going on?

How was your week? I go, no, no, no, no. You want it to be podcast? I'm your podcast friend. No more personal relationship. You don't fucking ask me how I was. I'll save it for your podcast. I like that.

That's how it is. That's reality. Before you watch it, he goes, I'll save it for the show. And I'm like, yeah, all right. I'll save it for the show kind of guy. Kevin and I barely talk. That's the way you I'll save it for the show. And I'm like, yeah, right. I'll save it for the show kind of guy. Kevin and I barely talk. That's the way you have to save it for the air. Yeah.

Yes. And also, I mean, I think people expect me to be talkative and joking and shit. Like in my social life, I'm just like sitting there. I'm just like, I talk too fucking much out here. I want to just kind of relax. So then they think I'm boring and lame. I'm like, well, you're not wrong. No, exactly.

You have to be. Don't you say, like, I get paid to lame. I'm like, well, you're not wrong. No, exactly. You have to be. Don't you say, like, I get paid to talk. If there's no microphone, I'm not talking. It's true. There is. Like, what's the point? Unless you leave it.

Look, how many people do you know that walk out in that office right now? And they're like, this is the funniest person. They're great. And then they leave it all out there. Then they go on camera and it's like this. Totally. You got to save it. You know what I'm learning, too, is there is a very big difference between podcasting and comedy.

And if you're good at one, it doesn't ensure you're good at the other. No, not at all. Certainly, you're not necessarily good at doing stand-up comedy if you're good at podcasts. But also, you would think the reverse. That's right. If you're a good stand-up, you can do podcasts, but not always. That's why I don't do podcasts. I don't have a podcast. Because I know I'm not good at it.

I don't like it, which is already – you shouldn't do anything you don't like. Right. But also I just – I think what happened when I was at SNL, when I was doing that weekend update thing, I think I really grew to hate the fact that every day I would just look at the news and go, we need a joke for this. You know what I mean? So I got to where I was like, oh, no, then a podcast.

Because it's filling up all that time, all that time, all the time. It's too much. At least here you have a sports theme somewhere in there where you know there's something to talk about that everybody is on the same page and everybody likes. Yeah, yeah. I like how you just called it that weekend update thing. That weekend update thing. Most people know it.

I'm like Sammy Davis Jr. That weekend update thing. I'm a real Vegas. Was there ever you in a consideration to do a podcast? Or was it like absolutely? Yeah? No? And for what I'm saying right now, if I had to do it all over again,

I probably should have done one more. But I mean, I just think it's not my thing. Well, I do think you would be good at it, too. I don't like it. No, and if you don't enjoy it, then it's going to be garbage. I tried to, yeah. But you, I mean. Here's the one I wanted to do. But here's my problem.

Ready? I'll tell you exactly my problem. I wanted to do one. And it was all these people I know over the course of my life from New York. Sure. All of them have the best stories anyone's ever told. No doubt. All of them have the best stories anyone's ever told. No doubt. All of them have, but I mean not one, they have like 12 of the best stories ever told.

So, but I wouldn't do it if they weren't getting paid because at least I come on your podcast, it's promoting me. Yes. So I'm getting paid. Yes. But I'm saying they're not promoting anything. So you're using this person's, sucking this person's life and they're not getting anything out of it.

So I was like, I don't want to do that. So I mean, the same way you're getting your promotion, like you get exposure. You know, you have a,

but these are not people that are in showbiz. They don't want exposure. I got it. So they're not in showbiz. They're friends of yours. I see. Yeah.

They're people that have other jobs and families. So you're asking them to reveal stuff and do this stuff for no money. Right. Yeah,

you can't do that. Unless it's selling a book. What's the point? It is so hard to like getting someone who doesn't work in entertainment or whatever

to reveal things. People are like, you just tell people shit, like awful shit that happened to you. We take that to the grave. Oh no,

say that in a podcast. Here, come on my podcast. Like, fuck no. Dude, I was with a kid this weekend where I was like,

dude, that's an unbelievable story. He's like, yeah, I'm never going to tell another soul. That's right. I'm so warped at this point when bad things happen to me, I was like dude that's an unbelievable story he's like yeah I'm never gonna tell another soul I'm so warped at this point

when bad things happen to me I'm like yes like easy episode tomorrow that stand up that's the same stand up's the same

thing it's like oh that's good the only thing because I do think especially I would imagine being a comic life on the road

and there's a lot of shit that's not easy the shit that we do we have to deal with all these fucking assholes road, and there's a lot of shit that's not easy. The shit that we do, we have to deal with all these fucking assholes on the internet. It's a lot of bad things, right? But the overall thing that I can always say is good about this is we can turn bad things into good things,

or money, or content, or whatever. And when you live a normal life and something goes wrong, that just sucks. And there's nothing fucking to it. It's like my team is bad and we're losing well we can talk about that on the show or I fucking

you know went through a horrible life situation well it's gonna get a lot of downloads it's totally fucked no it is fucked but you're right that is how we think

and it's for good reason do you think there's a like a divide amongst like comics or people in your industry about like who joined up

for podcasts and who didn't? Or do you think kind of like... Like Bobby Kelly was actually one of the first, right? One of the first. I did a thing with him years ago. He was... He might have been the...

He was ahead of the game. He was like 15 years old, right? What's that? His show was like 15 years old, right? 15 years old. But before that, me and him did a couple of things. He goes, there's this thing called podcasting. And we were number eight because nobody was podcasting.

It was Madonna. But I hated it. I was like, I'm not doing this. I hated it. No? Like no? No, I wasn't enjoying it. I mean, we had fun doing it for a minute, but it's just not my thing.

Yeah. I don't like radio. I don't like any of it. I just don't like it. Well, thanks for coming. So what? You just do it begrudgingly? I guess we'll call him with you.

I did it begrudgingly, but it's like, it's just not my, like, going in every day to do it would be a nightmare for me. You know what I mean it's like, it's just not my, like, going in every day to do it would be a nightmare for me. You know what I mean? And just, it's just not what I like. See, but if you had a pandemic before then, you could have been like, we just do this on Zoom. You'd have to go in for anything. I should have done it. I mean, I should have done it.

I look back and I was like, puff shit, suck it up, as they say. Knowing you as a fan, like, I can totally see why, you know, you don't like it or wouldn't want to do it. But also, you would have a very successful podcast. a fan like i can totally see why you know you don't like it or wouldn't want to do it but also you would have a very successful podcast but i would only talk to like i said people have these crazy stories then that would be fun yeah and you know i don't know i like you said you really have to be more interesting than my off-camera life to make it good yeah and so then you're going out you're gonna have to take chances i'll have to like, you know, travel like Afghanistan in 2008 just to keep the podcast interesting.

I'll tell you what, I went through a phase, like when I started, we were like our mid-20s and so it's fun. I'm going out, we're hooking up, we're drinking,

you know, it's like interesting shit and then like, you know, got a wife, got some kids and it's like, what the fuck do I talk about now? You just wait for the kids

to say something funny all day. Can you believe my kids said this? Yeah, it's so true. What I did learn though is that people... You have to ask a four-year-old, wait, how did you phrase that again yesterday? Because I said it but it wasn't funny but it was the way you said it. Yeah, I gotta catch it on camera. Can you redo that? He's like, I don't remember.

You know what is sick? My kids are sometimes they're like, put the fucking phone down. They'll do something cute and funny. They're playing. And then I kind of take the phone out and they like, well, stop. And be like, put it away. Fuck. And maybe they're going to be the generation that.

They're like, could we have a spontaneous experience, please? Dad, I wish you were Dave Chappelle. But I was thinking, it is like interesting. Like, I did this this past weekend. I was telling It is like interesting Like I did this this past weekend I was telling a story Right before you came in Where it was like I took a cab with these two strange women

To New London, Connecticut And like I From New York? No it was from It was from New London To Foxwoods So it was like a half hour And like I would have

Every single day of my life I would have been like No I'll just get my own cab Don't worry about it The only reason I said yes Was like we can talk about it on the podcast. Who knows what's going to happen. Yes. And it ended up being rather interesting.

But you know what? That also – you might be doing it kind of for the warped wrong reasons, but that's kind of how you should probably live life anyway. That's right. Like, do some shit. That's right. Do some shit. It was, like – while I was in the cab, I was like, oh, like'm hanging out with people. This is kind of interesting. They were two women

who I don't think had ever left New York. They asked the cabbie what the weather was like in Connecticut. He was like, the same as New York. I was like, and they had beliefs. They thought the vaccine was crazy. I was like, oh, this is wild. This is nuts.

It was very fun. i wish it wasn't close quarters with them but it was a good time but if they didn't think the vaccine was crazy would they be going to foxwoods well yeah casino it's good and bad yeah but uh no it is it is true that you look at these things and but i also wonder how many relationship friendships would, have been destroyed by somebody saying shit on a podcast. Oh, man. Oh, I got a list. I'll show you. Don't ring on my finger, brother.

There's a reason why, man. Oh, no. There's a fucking reason why. Yeah, I know. It does become like a – I think of it as like my therapy. It's like I say shit on here that i wouldn't say elsewhere and i get it out of me otherwise i'd fucking kill myself by now yeah it's your therapy but you have to go through 80 therapists going you're an asshole before you find one that goes

oh that made sense i hope you have thousands of therapists sitting there therapy i did it yeah sure you're out on it finished i did for a long time, I'll tell you a good one about my therapist. It was brutal. I mean, it was hard. And then he goes to me one time after six years ago. And he goes, listen, I just want to tell you I'm retiring. And I was like, wow. He goes, I'll turn you on to somebody else. I go, no, no, no.

I've been here a long time. I went really consistently. So I left. Then about two and a half years ago I was like I miss my therapist I'm going to retire just look up his old address just for the goof I look it up it's still the same address

but he's still listed as the therapist so I was like that's weird he never took it down and so I called up the number and got the answering machine of him saying if you have an appointment leave it here and I called like three more times in the next machine of him saying, if you have an appointment, leave it here. And I called like three more times in the next month just to see if it was still there.

So he just ditched me. Did he just quit you? Yeah. He's still working. He ditched me and said, I'm retired and kept working. Wow. That is. We've talked about before where like, I think I've had a therapist be like,

I tell them something and they're like, oof. That's bad. That feels like you won that therapy session. Hell yeah, I fucked you up. Yes. But to have someone quit as a whole... It ghosted me. Had you recently said some shit

or done something? No, no. We got a long grade like any psycho. We got a long grade. But maybe it was just, you know know you're not going to the uh the the there's like a therapist for for comics right no i don't go to him go to that one right this is a long time there's got to be some weird shit going on with that guy he does like 20 of the in some ways that may be true in other ways maybe it's for the best because maybe he really understands. I mean, comedians are a real elusive,

slippery personality. So maybe he starts to understand certain things, but I'm sure he could write the greatest book. I hope he never does. But I mean... Change up some names and...

I'd like to meet him someday. Hey, anybody talk about me? I think that like job-specific therapists should become a thing because when I talk to my therapist, I'm like, no. You're not going to get it. Hundreds to thousands of people a day tell me I should fucking kill myself and tell me I suck and tell me I'm worthless.

And she's like, I get it. It must be hard. I'm like, no. You don't get it. You don't get it. You don't get it. You know what else I've heard? I've heard like, don't worry.

I have worked with Oscar award winners. I have worked with like Oscar award winners. I've worked with like hedge fund billionaires. And I'm like, that's all well and good. The internet's a weird fucking place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's an awkward. You're not getting comment sections. You're not getting, exactly.

Oscar winners aren't even on social media. They don't need to be. Hedge fund guys, nobody even know. They can walk in a store and nobody says two words to them if they're wearing a different outfit. 100%. No, you're right. It's a whole different world. It's a different animal.

And it is. As easily as you go, ah, fuck, who gives a shit? You give a shit. Come 1 a.m. laying in bed, you give a shit. You give a shit. What's that fucking person? It should be, the only therapist should be either people that have been through it or people that were like fallen like child stars in the 90s and understood.

Like Monica Lewinsky, I was watching an impeachment show. Like she, before social media, she understood public attack. Right. Yeah. That was the biggest shame for anybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's the kind of person who could be a therapist. Could you imagine that like, what was she, I don't know, 20?

21, yeah, whatever. You're blowing the president and now you're like the biggest slut in America. Right. And everybody, meanwhile, it. You're blowing the president, and now you're like the biggest slut in America. Right. And everybody, meanwhile, it's hypocritical because everybody's out there. We're all whoring around. Everyone's a dirt man. And it was like, oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah. It was like Clinton's a pal. Just because she sucked a more famous dick than you. I met Clinton with my friend and his wife and a few other people at this thing. Right a year after that. He was, it almost destroyed his, you know. And he was talking to the wife because she was cute. And he's talking to her like, yeah, you know, yeah.

And he was standing there. Tom Papa, you can ask him about it. Yeah. And his wife. And he's going, yeah, you know, and just talking. And she's laughing because he's not trying to hide it from anybody. Right. There's like 20 people around, but he's like, hey, i do man and she even said after she goes he's just charming yeah he's a big tall charming guy smart talks he's not

the guy you know those guys just talk to the girl and don't talk to everybody else right you know you have one friend you see them like hey what's up you meet like your idol some athlete or whatever and then you're talking he's like hey man what's up man how you doing yeah yeah look at that and you're like this guy's not even gonna you know no he works clint works everybody yeah and remember like you can see he picks it up and retains it i've heard that like you know he'll remember names of little guys from like 10 years ago i saw you at that yes and what you were about yeah he's like hey did you. I saw you at that. Yes. And what you were about. Yeah. He's like,

Hey, did you have a picture? You know, that's how you, that's how you add that bit where he's talking about, uh, going with, when Clint was running,

Clint Mullaney's parents went to college with. Right. Right. I think it was Georgetown. Uh, and Yale. Yeah. It was Yale.

Yeah. You don't whip a snapper. And the, I did that for them. So they, so the, the, so that them and Clinton will go Georgetown. Please, please. The Hoyas? A non-Ivy?

A basketball school? I would never. Allen Iverson went to Georgetown. You think I went to Georgetown? Which is a pretty good argument. Yeah, right. It wasn't exactly cramming for the SATs If I remember correctly But the

The Malini's mom Dragged him And she was like He right away was like Susan I haven't seen you Since college And he goes

Cause Clinton never Forgets a bitch That's true man That's the greatest He probably felt John Malini's mom Then and now By the way

What about Malini's I was just showing The other day The Clinton type guy When he's walking Down the block With the guy Passed him on the phone Then and now. By the way, what about Malini's other thing? I was just showing it the other day. The Clinton-type guy, when he's walking down the block with the guy. Passes him on the phone. One of the greatest bits of old. It's one of those bits where, in comedy, you're like, shit.

That's good. It's only a small thing, but he goes, I'm walking downtown, and this guy's passing me on. He's on his cell phone. And he goes, yeah, babe. And they just pass each other. They're strangers. Years ago.

Malini wasn't famous or anything. And the guy goes, yeah, babe. And they just pass each other. They're strangers. Years ago. Melania wasn't famous or anything. Right. And the guy goes, yeah, babe. They're downtown. And the guy goes, yeah, babe. I'm still uptown. Wait until Melania walks by. I love it.

And Melania goes, that guy should be president because he's just like, hey. Looks at him like, you get it, brother. Those are the best lies We were talking about that before Where it's like I had a girlfriend This was a couple Years years ago

Where like I accidentally Gave her My We shared locations On our phones And I could just never Have that lie ever again Where it's like

I wasn't doing anything nefarious I just like Just wanted to be alone For a little while I'm still at work, babe. No, you're not. You're at the bar. But God, those little lies are what you need to survive.

It's like you just do it for no reason. No, it's psychological. It's psychological. And that wink is what proves it. It's like, I'm getting away with it. Oh, my God. It was the greatest. Those are the guys that really just, he brought them into his corrupt world immediately.

I'm pulling you down with me. You're complicit. Like, you ever see Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross? You are complicit. You ever see that movie, Glenn Gary, Glenn Gary? Glenn Gary Ross. Right? Yeah.

And then they had a guy, he goes, why? And he goes, I don't want to be involved. And he goes, because you listened. He goes, you are involved. He goes, no, I'm not. He goes, yeah, you are. He goes, why? He goes, because you listened.

Don't mind you listen. So I'm not going to listen. That's funny that you just mentioned the Iverson bowling incident, though. That's a deep cut. Do you know that story? Yeah, yeah. But I've noticed recently, I feel like not many comics are sports fans outside of MMA and boxing and whatnot. Right. Rarely we'll have a conversation about Allen Iverson coming up.

Yeah. I feel like basketball is a big comedian thing. and whatnot. Right. Rarely we'll have a conversation about Allen Iverson coming up. Yeah. Is that a thing? I feel like basketball is a big comedian thing. Yeah, comics like that. Yeah. I feel like it's bigger than – some comedians – like when I was coming up, they all loved baseball. And now I feel like they all love basketball.

That's not a dog whistle. I'm not talking about black and white. I'm just saying like all comics love basketball. Let's say Sam Morell was the one that came to mind. Sam Morell is a perfect example. Yeah, of course. Are you a Knicks fan? I mean, honestly, I'm what you call a – people call me a traitor in many ways

because I'm really now into the Nets. No! I was going to say, don't fucking say it, Colin. I grew up – and guess what? I'll get what Spike Lee said. I grew up on the other side of the Barclays Center, eight minutes away. So guess what? I have a little sore spot in my heart for the Nets.

And I've had it since they started. They suck. What were you doing when they were in Jersey? Were you rooting for them? No. No. I only rooted for them because they moved right from my house. Because my family got season tickets for the first couple of years when they stunk.

They should have kept those tickets. Oh, they gave them a few for you? Oh, I'm sure they were hands in the mouth. They were season tickets. Really? Yeah, they were there for like the Chris Humphrey years.

The Chris Humphrey years? Chris Humphrey years, I call them. It's one of the most embarrassing sentences. If your franchise has an era defined by Chris Humphrey, you're fucked. Me and Khloe Kardashian

define things by the Chris Humphrey years. If you guys don't like it. That's too bad. The Knicks fans now are out of fucking control, though. They've been bad for so long. Opening night, two games in, 7th Avenue's like, shut down, man. They're fucking yelling in the streets, running around like madmen. Oh, really?

I didn't even know that. Why? Because the Knicks are just good again. They're going to be in- But that's what annoys me. It just bugs me. It bugs me. What?

Just people sitting in the front all the time. It just drives me crazy. Here we are. Everybody talks about, Oh, society has stopped yet. Still. Hey,

guess what? If I get seats on the floor, that doesn't count. Guess what? You want to talk a big game, but you're still sitting there in front. It's just the hypocrisy. You know what I mean?

Just talk, talk, talk. And then it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not my Knicks tickets. Yeah, yeah. Not my seeds. That's going to stay there. That's got to stay. I got to have a view.

I don't even like the view from the front row. Maybe that's the other point. You know what I mean? But I did like that guy the other day. You see the guy with his face. He used to be on the Celtics. That's the only how I know people. He used to be on this team.

Kemba Walker on the Knicks now? No, no I think it was a Lakers game And he's pointing at the guy And the guy smacks his hand out of the way Yeah I don't know who you're talking about But I mean that

Like the Players or the fan? The player's pointing in the guy's face And the guy was right His fingers just fell He smacked his face at him I mean the fan was right. I hate to say it.

Oh, the fan slapped his hand out? Yes! We almost had a new Malice at the Palace. I would give anything for another Malice at the Palace. Could you imagine that? Oh, you mean the Pistons thing? They were all brawling in this. A modern day brawl in the NBA.

If you were an athlete and you just knew that was allowed. Because like you said, remember Mike Milbury? Like he, Mike Milbury used to play for the Bruins. Climb the boards. Oh, yeah. Grab someone's shoe and beat him with his own shoe. If you could fucking do that, that would be so awesome.

Have you ever wanted to just like fucking strangle a heckler? I mean, I have fun. I like, you know what? The funny thing is, I was just talking about this to somebody. Hecklers, I hate them. They ruin shows. They're dumb. They think they're funny.

They have psychological damage. But if you're having a mediocre show, they save the show when you kill them. If you kill them. I feel like it's pretty easy to kill. Like, sometimes I've seen comics say, like, the most basic, and the crowd's like,

Oh! Yeah, because... They fucking hate that guy. Yeah, and because they represent everybody. You're not allowed to say like the most basic and the crowd's like, oh. Yeah, because. They fucking hate that guy. Yeah, and because they represent everybody you're not allowed to say that to unless you're a comedian. Yeah. So it's everybody at your job, everybody in your life. Right. The only thing I don't like and no comedian likes, I feel like, is anyone backs down from a heckle and just tries to appease him.

Like that's, oh. You can never do that. You can't do that, right? I mean, that's like. Appeasing doesn't work, as they say in the military. You know what I mean? You got to kill them. Yeah it doesn't work, as they say in the military strategic. You know what I mean? You got to kill them. And that's the best.

Absolutely bury them, yeah. But it's funny, you're going to joke about the Bruins because I was talking one time to Cam Neely. He's a maniac. Nobody's tougher than Cam Neely. And I was saying how my friend had watched this Tiger Williams interview in Montreal, you know, the Montreal Comedy Festival. And Tiger Williams was on. The old school guy, and I told him the whole story. It's, you Comedy Festival and Tiger Williams was on. The old school guy

that told him the whole story, it's, you know, Tiger Williams was on and the interviewer was going, you should,

like, try to attack the violence in hockey and now Tiger Williams was going, then they showed footage of him and Dave Schultz beating each other

to death and it cuts back to him like, expected to be like, yeah, it was bloody and he goes the hammer

like yeah like those are the good days so I was telling Cam Neely and he goes yeah he goes in the old days he goes my first day in the locker room

Cam Neely's big and he goes Tiger Williams had no teeth here you know and he goes I go up to Tiger Williams in the locker room

and I go hey I just I'm new here my first day I just want to say you're my idol in hockey, so thank you.

It's an honor to play with you. And he goes, I was drinking water and he just goes, and they both just start fighting in the locker room. I was like, imagine those days

now that would be like national news. People go, what's wrong with hockey? Now it happened with fucking Gary Cole. Are you a Yankee fan? Right, right, right.

What's that? Are you a Yankee fan? So fucking,, what's that? Are you a Yankee fan? So fucking That's Jets Brutal Dude I mean it is as bad as it gets But the Jets look good though

I mean And even now That poor quarterback I mean they've literally They've destroyed More young And they're all from Southern California They're all from like the West Coast

All these great young quarterbacks Starting with Mark Sanchez Good looking kids They got smiles They're California they're all from like the West Coast all these great young quarterbacks starting with Mark Sanchez good looking kids they got smiles they're happy they're on top of the world they're dating models

and they drag them right down in like a year not five years I think after this one it will be like within a few years Mark Sanchez was banging 17 year olds

was he really yeah he just he's lucky if it was like if it was like one or two years later, that would have been the end of the world. He was straight up just like dating a fucking teenager. It was crazy.

Yeah, it was a weird situation. One of those things is like... Awkward. Mark Sanchez has been dating his girlfriend for a year and a half, and here's pictures of them celebrating her 18th birthday. That math doesn't check out. Everybody's got their calculators out. Hang on a second. But the latest

story with the Yankees was that Brett Gardner was in the locker room making fun of Garrett Cole. Just like tea, like basic teas. And Garrett Cole gets in his face like you can't do that. Like, I don't feel safe. Yeah, I mean, come on. But everything's, but I mean, how could you even, you can't do that. Right. You fucking pussy. Like, I don't feel safe. Yeah, I mean, come on.

But everything's, but I mean, how could you even, it's completely over. I mean, how could you even be shocked by that? That doesn't surprise me at all. What's over? That kind of. That era. Any kind of banter. I know.

But you didn't. Not era. If it was alive anywhere, it would be a locker room. The last. What's that now? The last. Yes. It would be a locker room.

Yeah, exactly. Well, if it's not alive in the army, it's not alive anywhere. I think hockey locker rooms might still have it. I bet hockey locker rooms. Hockey locker rooms are the locker room. Yeah, exactly. Well, if it's not alive in the Army, it's not alive anywhere. I think hockey locker rooms might still have it. I bet hockey locker rooms do. Hockey locker rooms are the last fucking bastion. But the Canadians are probably not funny. It's sort of like their idea of, oh, I really let him have it. And it's like, what did you say?

He's like, oh, I told him he missed that shot the other day. Who do you think are the least funny people in the world? The least funny people? Yes, in your experience. And it doesn't have to be like a- What do you mean are the least funny people in the world? The least funny people? Yes, in your experience. And it doesn't have to be like... What do you mean, ethically? It could be an ethnic or it could be like people from this city or fans of this thing. Let me ask you this.

When you say it could be ethnic, are you literally... What is it? October of 2021. Are you telling me to identify an ethnic group as you? You're asking me to do an ethnic group as humanists? You're asking me to do that right now? You can say Russians. Russians. Say Russians.

I wouldn't say it. Russians, Italians, Irish. I know. There's no point in that. But I don't like that. I think it's only, I think Irish, the Irish are the greatest. The greatest. Because we're the worst.

The greatest. And we don't care if you tell us we're the worst. The greatest sense of humor. We, I mean. We're very underrated. I saw something relatively recently. We're underrated people. So underrated. We're not a very good group of people. But I'll tell you why. We, I mean... We're very underrated. I saw something relatively recently. So underrated. We're not a very good...

But I'll tell you why. We don't have very good food. That's not true. We're beautiful until we're 12. We're the most beautiful kids. Then we start to deteriorate. Then we find alcohol. But we live to be...

Yeah. That's not nature. That's nurture. We just drink ourselves to oblivion. Patrice O'Neill once said, the late great Patrice O'Neill, not Irish, despite the name. He said, he goes great Patrice O'Neill, not Irish despite the name. He said, he goes, you Irish people, he goes, you always look so old, but you live forever.

Because he's from Boston, he knows a lot of Irish people. So we may look old, but we hang on. I guess maybe a couple of years ago, somebody made a stink about the Fightin' Irish logo. Right. And that was like the first and I think last and only time I've ever heard some Irish people be like, this is offensive to our culture. Well, I don't even know if it was an Irish person. I think it was just someone else on behalf of us, right? Right.

We don't fucking care. As long as it wasn't an English person. And I used to think the Italians kind of were with us, but even they've gotten a little bit softer. But they don't have a logo. Columbus. Yeah, they don't have a logo for it. What about the... They had Pizzagate. Nice.

But the fighting Irish thing is also a compliment. It's like the Braves. Braves are never going to change their name. Or the Warriors. That's a positive in my mind. I used to do a joke. I'd say, you know, the Redskins, I'd go, who knew the most offensive part of their name now would be Washington?

I can't. Have you ever been in your life truly actually offended by something? Sure. Have you? Of course. Because I don't know if I've ever actually been offended in the sense of the word. Of course I've been offended, but the point is, so what? I mean, yes, I've been offended by plenty of things.

So what? But you never say anything, right? It's not my... I don't even know if I've ever felt it, to be honest, though. Yeah. I don't think I've ever... Really? These jokes and shit.

I'm trying to think of a time that I'm like, you really, to my core, have hurt me or something. Really? Never? I guess hurt's not the right word. That's because I'm Irish. Yeah, that's what I mean. Shut down. That's right.

I think we just push it all into our fucking toes, you know? Like this. Deep into my asshole until I get colon cancer. You push it into not very much. That's because you're Irish. Yeah, that's what I mean. Shut down. I think we just push it all into our fucking toes. Like this. Deep into my asshole until I get colon cancer. You push it into here. Yeah. I figured this out like a month and a half ago.

I was out in Levittown, Long Island. It's Irish. And I go, this is why I'm not a huge... I go, because you people, Irish people,

are my fans. I go, if you're Italian, there's things to talk about. Hey! Whoa, people, you know we get mad with. I go, if you're Italian, there's things to talk about. Hey, what are people, you know, we get mad with? I go, black. You're like, yeah. I said, Irish, what am I going to do?

Hey, folks, you ever notice when somebody does that to you and you don't say anything, you just suck it down here? And your eyes change a little bit and your jawline just tenses? It works, though. Because I'd be sitting in the audience being like, yep, yep, yep. All right, who else? Yep, check, check, check. Oh, it's so funny.

But yeah, I love it. It's a horrible way of living. Only, the good thing about Irish people is we love ourselves because we know we're great. And also, the people that do love us, love us. Like, there's always a few people from every ethnicity that just love Irish people. They can't help themselves. Well, because we're funny people. Because we're like a good guy.

But I'm saying, we're below the radar by... Yes. You know, because if you try to be above the radar, like Bono was the greatest example of an Irish arrest of all time where Bono was like flashing around, prancing around, and Irish people just put him right down

into his place where he stopped. Yeah, shut the fuck up with that. Remember he used to walk on stage and strut? He hasn't done that for 25 years. Cut it out. That's how we are. You kind of talk about people in the crowd

relating to things. I've been going to not a ton but I've been going to more stands than I usually go to lately and does it bother the people on stage?

I know I get so fucking annoyed when people next to me are like he's so right that happens. They're talking about relatable things or agreeing with it. I'm like, that pisses me off more than a heckler almost. I'm like, shut the fuck up.

No shit is relatable. That's why he's fucking on stage doing comedy. That's why you're laughing. That is the reason. It's almost like re-explaining the joke. Yeah. You get it? You get it?

You get it? Yeah. That's how he's fucking doing it. But I guess that's a good sign, right? It's a good sign, but it is annoying to me. I mean, look. If I were speaking of Irish, if I ran the audience,

nobody would be allowed to ever applaud, whoop, talk to each other. It would just be either laugh or silence. Even booing would be acceptable, but no side comment. That's exactly how I think. Either laugh or shut the fuck up. Interesting.

That's funny. Like there was a claptor. Well, you know how claptor became a thing a few years ago? Like we agree with you and it's like sickening to me because it's against the whole principle of comedy. The only reason comedy is so great and fascinating is because it's an involuntary response from the audience. So you must be saying something.

If everyone's laughing, something's hitting something. So the minute it becomes about like, yay, cheering or applause or yes, it drives you crazy because you're like, no, no, no. You just agree with me. That's not funny. If I'm just saying what you agree with, I'm not a comedian. I have to make it so that it's a joke and it's funny to you. What am I doing?

What are we doing? At this stage in your career, do you find yourself, like are you still just going for what's funny? The end. Are you trying to, like, you know, challenge yourself? Or is it just like, no, I'm just, like, I'm just going to do what's funny? Or are you trying to find new ways to do things? Because, I mean, at this point, I feel like you've just told a billion jokes.

You've got a million laughs. And does that just still, like, scratch the itch for you? But you don't have to say, like, I've been Gallagher up to this point. My whole career has been based, you know, he's like, you're just doing your million, what am I, Henny Young? My whole fucking career,

I'm trying to do that. I'm saying, would you ever like try to change your act to be like, I'm going to do it. My whole act is shit. That's what my whole thing's been. You have to change it, right? No, I'm saying my whole thing is I love,

I mean, look, here's what I think about comedy. I think that going for, trying to do stuff that you think is what you're supposed to be talking about and getting laughs, that's the highest form. That being said, if the choice is between saying something that I think is profound or somebody saying something that's just funny and gets a laugh, you're advertising as a comedian. If you're not getting laughs, then you may be something. You could be a deep thinker. You're not a comedian. Right. That's what I'm kind of saying.

It's like just keep doing the, like people want the fucking laughs. Well, no, no. But I'm saying in the highest iteration, it's doing both. Right. But I'm saying then when it goes below that, between preaching

and getting a laugh, comedian is getting laughs. Right, right. Preacher is not getting laughs. So if you want to go on stage and advertise a comedian and get paid and you're not getting laughs,

you're like, yeah, I freaked the audience out. You may have freaked the audience out. I don't consider that comedy. Right. I think there's been more of that, and this is from the observation of someone who doesn't know what they're talking about. But like,

I think so many Netflix specials handed out, and I think also because people got famous, or not famous, but people got popular at podcasting, and they're like, oh, I'm a comedian. And they get on stage and it's like, well, what are you saying? Is it funny? I would never get on stage and say I'm a comedian. I'm fucking not. I'd have a podcast. No, of course not.

It's a different comedian. I'm fucking not. I'd have a podcast. No, of course not. It's like you said, it's a different skill. I know podcasting is kind of, there's so many, and people think there's so many that are not funny, but podcasting at its highest form is fucking, you know, and I think so many people want to use the podcast to get to stand up when it's like, you should use the podcast to just be a podcaster because there's a lot of stand-ups that feel the same way they're so torn because they're like i gotta work on my podcast i can't work on my act i gotta work on my podcast because they know how

important it is yeah they know how hard it is too i used to say one of my great expressions i'll take full credit anything you do takes everything you've got so no matter what you're into there's no like half-stepping. You got to do it all the way. Right. So good podcasting shows with the audience. Right.

And especially because they're listening. So if you're not giving them all your work, they're going to know. Pre-work too. Yeah. Not just walking in and talking,

but you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, so same with stand-up. You know what I mean? Stand-up is... Same with stand-up, yeah know what I mean? Stand-up is... Same with stand-up, yeah. Stand-up is the hardest thing in the fucking world, in my opinion.

And I don't know how you guys... Yeah, I mean, you get used to it. I mean, you get used to... I feel like the hardest part is bombing, you know? And once you get used to bombing a lot, which I did, then you start to realize, like, oh, I have to make it... You have to make it so that you're talking about what you feel like talking about.

But if you're not getting laughs, like I said, you have to figure it out. If you don't figure it out, you're going to end up with it. Beat it. You know what I mean? Do you care about bombing? Yeah. It bothers you? It sucks.

You still bomb now? No, you don't. Yeah, once in a while. Not much. But I do bomb. No. But, like, it sucks. What does bomb for you mean?

It means silence. It means silence. You're getting silence these days? I fucking find that very hard to believe. You'd be surprised what happens. You know what I mean? But you're in the wrong situation. Anybody can bomb.

That's the beauty of comedy. Right. But you know what's funny? Years ago, I was like, yeah, you know, that tension where, you know, the joke doesn't get a laugh and somebody goes, that's why you get laughs is because there's a possibility on each joke that you're going to bomb.

Right. And I was like, that's deep. Yeah. I never understood that. Yeah. It's crazy. So that's so you can bomb. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Look, I've seen everybody, everybody go up there and people have, and then they're out of order or whatever's going on, and then they start to bomb. Usually, pros now to come back a little bit, but now. That's the beauty of it. That's what's great about comedy. Nobody's too big where they can't fucking bomb. Nobody.

See, I saw Chris DiStefano this weekend, and I'm sure it's part of a bit. No, it's not. He was bombing. I know Chris very well. I texted Colin. I said, I hope you don't mind. I got your number from Chris. I got to reschedule.

He goes, I don't mind that you have my number. I care that Chris has my number. But he was like, he was like, he's like, look, I don't care how this show goes. Just so everyone knows.

He's like, if this fucking, if I do terrible at night, I don't give a fuck. I'm going home, back to my room. I'm jer night, I don't give a fuck. I'm going home back to my room. I'm jerking off into the back of Fritos.

I'm going to sleep. It was part of the bit, but also I feel like there is that level of sense where you're like, I don't fucking care if you even enjoy this. But that's the weirdest thing

about comedy, which I know everyone beats everything and knows him, but it's the fact that on the one hand, I work so hard to make sure

that I'm trying to do good. On the other hand, if you care too much, it's like a relationship. I went out with this girl, 1990s, and beautiful girl. Our first time we met, she was talking to a friend of mine, so I didn't bother her. So she really liked me. So then we talked a month later. She goes, why didn't you come up to us? I was like, oh, I didn't.

We make out one night, just making out. Because she shows up two nights later with her friend, and I was with my friend in my apartment, and I was so, like, I was really into her. And I'm, like, hugging her and kind of being affectionate. And the next day, she's blowing me off. And I go, what? What happened?

I finally met her, and I confronted her. And she goes, you were just too intimate. She goes, I'm sorry, but it's just. Goddamn women, man. It's crazy. But I'm saying it's the same thing with comedy. If you're too into the audience, like, guys, could you please... Right.

They're disgusted, as they should be. Yeah, that is true. You have to do your homework, but you also have to be like, hey, guess what? If I bomb, I'm just going to go on living. So I try to enjoy this time. It's got to be that confidence is what's funny. And if you don't have the confidence... And that's how girls feel. Yeah. And that's how girls feel.

And that's how girls feel. It really is. I was all over it. She was disgusted. At least she had the balls to tell me. I really like you. Yeah, let him know. She told me right to my face.

I go, what happened? And she goes, just you all over me. You disgust me. You're like too needy. She was just disgusted. You like me. I get that. Why do you not like me?

Because you like me. She pulled a full 180 on me, but right to my face, which I respect. I go, okay. I go, there's no chance. I was like, what's his name? You know what's funny? I love you even more. You're that type of girl who can tell to my face, now I really, really want you.

I was like Tessico at the end of Godfather, I'm about to kill him. And he goes, he knew there was no chance, but he goes, any chance? For old time's sake, Tom. He goes, sorry. That's what I did. One more. As I was leaving, I go, all right. Hail Mary?

No. You've got to take a shot. I saw a conversation. Somebody posted a text conversation that went viral, and it was two girls talking. The first girl said, when I walk into a guy's apartment and he has no sheets and one pillow and no blankets it's like oh my god this is terrible and then the girl replied like yes but when he has all the pillows and the duvet cover and the top sheet and the bottom sheet then that's a red flag too and it was like well then what the fuck do you want you want the bed you You want the bed? You don't want the bed? It's impossible. Yeah, no, exactly.

And if it's, yeah, it's true. Well, that's the thing. Like the guys that are really, like, really into girls, like when they're so into girls, it's like, usually all the guys that are stalkers are like too into girls. You know what I mean? Like those guys that- I had a friend in college who would... When we were driving, he'd be like, hot chick coming up, hot chick coming up, hot chick coming up.

And then we'd get there, and it would be a guy with long hair. I'm like, dude, just wait until you're sure it's a woman. I'm not going to think you're gay if you don't point at every woman we drive by. Wait until you're positive it's a female. Just see if she's hot or not and then say hot yeah and then you don't even need to do that yeah it's okay we're just definitely

there's a hot girl like i used to live with a couple guys who like you know it was the mission every night was to fuck and if you didn't you you know they were they spiraled out of control like you know depressed at the end of the night i'm'm like, I don't know. I'm going to get pizza, man. It's not that big of a fucking deal. I know. But it is so funny. Watching those guys operate is very funny. When you're like, the guy walks in, he's like, where the chicks at?

Bro, it's fucking 10 a.m. on a Thursday watching March Madness. I don't know. They're at home. They're not here, you idiot. You're right. Where are the chicks? I don't know, man.

School? Teaching our children? But that's so funny. What was the scene like for you? Because you've been in New York the whole time, right? Did you ever live in L.A.? Yeah, I lived in L.A. for two years. I lived on and off for like four years, but two years.

Right, right. Yeah, we talked about that last time. The New York scene when you're coming up, though, are you hitting bars? Are you doing clubs? Are you social life? Comedy-wise? No, no. After comedy?

Because I just think comedy is so interesting because you're always on stage, right? Yes. Did you guys ever have a run where you're partying at clubs, or is it just always on stage at clubs? Not me. Yeah. Because I had to quit. I would have been dead by 25.

I quit drugs and drinking before I started comedy and it used to break my heart because suddenly I come to the comedy clubs in the 80s, mid 80s. People offered me Coke for free. That's what I mean.

Liquor for free. I'm on MTV. Drugs all over, but I was clean already. I had to be or I wouldn't have been so it was kind of a mixed thing. But in general, I would say comedians in New York did not do that.

There was a couple. But in general, they were not party people. Interesting. Because, yeah, because. Do you think it was because they'd all given it up beforehand? No, no. This is before any of that. This is the early days, the 80s.

Before people gave up on it. Before people tried to help themselves and better themselves. Yeah. No, I don't know what it was, but it was just a different culture. And there were a couple of people that did it. Well, you know, I think it's because your guy's addiction a lot of times is the fucking comedy. It's like, you know, it's one addiction for another. And a few guys that were like addicts would go on the road, go on these coke benders.

Get out of control, yeah. And there would always be some story of, you know, there's a couple of club owners. Guys loved to work certain clubs because the owner was a coke head too. And then they'd all do coke all weekend. And the shows, I don't even know what the shows were like. But it was a very frenetic time, you know? Yeah. That's funny, I guess, the New York scene.

Because I read Robin Williams is like biography right and like it seemed like the LA scene was just they were just on coke the whole yeah that sounds like you mentioned you specified New York is that only because that's what you know or it's you guys because that's what I know but also he was in LA in those late 70s early 80s that was a coke days yeah for those guys coke was like national when I was in comedy it was like every place you'd go the local cool guy would come up to you after the show and you know oh my hey man i got coke and you're like uh you know thank you but no he's like you know we

got this party but it was kind of like you know it was you know if you wanted to do that some guys would do it yeah but a lot of them pay the price see when you just see when you, yeah, I feel like it's either you, you know, quit it or you keep it really under control or you suffer the most tragic fate

there is. That's what it felt like with comedians. Not much in between. There were not much in between with comedians. There was a couple people. Even now,

I listen to Andrew Santino because he does the whiskey, you know, focus on his show and Sam and Mark Norman get drunk and they're the only like casual drinkers where it seems like they're the only casual drinkers,

where it seems like they're one speed or the other. Right. It's weird. But definitely New York was a very square, much tamer scene, which is good. I would have died. Because I went to Boston in 87, and I was there just for a few days, and I go, if I lived here, I would die.

Really? No way. With the beer pressure, I would have been like, I know I would have done it all. Because they were getting paid in Coke. Really? Oh, yeah. Guys would do a set and be like, just give me a bag.

Oh, my God. It was out of control up there. Wow. It was crazy, you know? Boston was. Boston was nuts. Coke is fucking something. Funny, funny.

And they still talk about it to this day. But they were just funny, but Irish just drinking and coke. Most of them cleaned up or they'd be dead. Right. But they were monsters out there. I can't even imagine. Oh, my God. That's why I asked, too, because it's like, especially once you make it,

it's just the life is so conducive to it. You're in the club, you do your set and then there's going to be free. But that's why I came into it. There's going to be booze. I came into it because I'm being a little kid and watching these guys on TV, you know, in tuxedos or whatever, smoking cigarettes with their drinks.

I was like seven or eight. And I was like, I want that. I want that life. Like a nice, it was a nightclub. Like, and it just,

these old timetime guys joking and making the i was like ah that's really at that age it was like even at that age i was like that's who was that like specifically do you remember any like jan murray for example they used to have a show called can you top this the original one it was like i was like nine years old at lunch i'm come over lunch at school and then watch can you top this it was these jokers and jan murray's smoking in the middle of an afternoon TV show. And he had like the open shirt and the gold chains like 1971.

And he's just like, ah, I do these jokes and voice like this. And then I met him years later and he blew me off. And then Jerry Seinfeld got, because he had influence of Jan Murray that I didn't. And he got Jan Murray to make me a tape. And it was this big tape of Jan Murray going going but jen spent the whole time talking about jerry

like you barely mentioned me so it was kind of like really it was worse than no tape he's like jerry told me of funny jerry's he came to me and jerry's a great guy i love jerry's every jerry which is old jerry so annoying i noticed noticed even that you came here today just solo. There's no – were you ever the type to have a manager and an agent and a publicist? I took the train. Yeah. But – Get right over here at 30.

It's very rare. I usually can – usually judge a person right off the bat as how they come in. Interesting. Because a lot of times you got – we have people sometimes come in with hair and makeup people. Yes. You're sitting here doing a podcast and the person comes in and they're putting every hair in place before we roll.

I'm like, really? Most people are going to be listening to this. Those are people that are called – 90% all of you anyway. Those are people that are called successes. I do get that too though where it's like sometimes I look down at that and it's like, come on, really? And then it's like well, if you want to be where I'm at, you can't

have a night where you look awful. That's right. You know what I mean? The good looking guy and all that shit. I'm like, I don't know. I kind of understand it. It's true, but it is annoying. But the people who roll solo are usually and I can count it on maybe two fingers. I only think of Joel McHale and Colin right now. It's very rare that like –

But Joe Savage. I mean, of course, like our friends. Yeah, Andrew Savage. But Joel McHale can't be put in the same category because he's like naturally good-looking. Yeah, he's tall. Yeah, no, he doesn't – Fuck him. Fuck that.

Exactly. Andrea Savage came in. For people who like have a TV show and a comedy career and she just – especially a girl, a lot of times they do do hair and makeup. Of course. She was just like, no, let's do it. That's great. I remember she threw her jacket on the ground. She took her jacket off and, of course, in a girl, a lot of times they do do hair and makeup. Of course. She was just like, no, let's do it. That's great. I remember she threw her jacket on the ground.

She took her jacket off, and of course, in this hellhole, there's no closet or hanger. She was just like, pop it. Like, let's go. I was like, my kind of girl. That's what I want to talk about. When I first said when I got here, I'd save it for the show. Yeah. That reminds me of what I want to talk about.

Hit me. When I come in here, at first, I was excited. When I walked in the office, I was like, oh, there's going to be all kinds of fun, like basketball hoops and heavy bags and all kinds of new sporting shit that I don't even know about that only these guys know. And it's all just illusion. There's a couple of basketballs, one kid had a football out there. But even here's how sad society is now.

I was like, I knew that if I told that kid, like, throw the football to me, I'd be like the douche dad. Yeah. So I knew I couldn't do it. Yeah. And I was dying for something. Please, please throw me the ball. Throw me the ball.

Yeah, throw the fucking ball. Right? It brings you back to your old childhood. Put that thing to use. That little scumbag knew it, too. He could see it in my eyes. I wanted to throw the fucking ball. He's like this. He's, too. You can see it in my eyes. I wanted him to throw the fucking ball. He's like this.

He's right out here. He's sitting in the corner like this. He had the football. He knew I'd play. You want this? You want this, old man? My eyes were flood. My eyes were like shining, and he just looked at me like,

and I was like, ah, scumbag. I should have dived right at him. You fucking asshole. Ball security, bitch. But, yeah, there really needs to be an update on the equipment in here. Yeah, I think people expect it. We've talked about it before, but people expect like a frat house. Dude, we're dorks.

We're fucking internet nerds here. But you guys are into sports. But here's the other point. I mean, a lot of guys are, but not us. But Boston sports is huge. So here's what I'm saying. Like, it's not going to be that expensive. So you go to, like, fucking Google, one of these places, right?

And, by the way, I hate people that do what I just did. So, when they say so to start the sentence. Oh, okay. That infuriates me. Everybody does that now. So? You ask them, so, they go, okay, so, what? Every fucking political punter does it.

It drives me nuts. And I just did. So you got Google, all these places, and they have like fucking treats, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not talking about treats. This, you guys are going to break. We should set our own business and do it with a lot of officers. Walk in, here's our pitch.

We go, you know, most officers have these snacks, and if people don't want them, they're trying to watch their health reasons. It's bad for company. We give some bullshit stat about it. But if you have a foosball table, ping pong table, we should really get them to waste more time. Well, we do have a little fucking romper room. I'll show it to you. Oh, okay.

We got a ping pong table. We got a life-size Jenga. Oh. We do competitive rock, paper, scissors. All right. Darts. Darts. Darts. We don't really play the darts, though.

That's good. We do cornhole, but it's a room small, so it's not like regulation. How about a mini? Wait, I just had a great invention. We can make moonies. A mini cornhole. We put it here. Just like a little.

Just like people who play at the table. Do you guys ever play football? Yeah, table football. Hell yeah. That's probably a lost art. I bet you kids don't do that. That's one of the greatest games of all time.

And what people don't realize is the construction. You don't want to go Tom Brady on the football itself, but the construction... You gotta make it. Yeah.

I don't even know if I remember how to make it. I had a fake one. Not a fake one. It was like I purchased a leather... A permanent one? Yeah.

A leather football. That's funny.. It was like I purchased a leather. A permanent one? Yeah. Like a leather football. That's funny. I always put too much tape on mine. You have to put the right amount of tape on it. I don't know if I could make one right now. Oh, I definitely couldn't. My daughter came to me the other day and said, can you make me a paper airplane? I was like, no.

I don't know how to fucking do that. Give me a paper airplane. I had to watch. Do it off the rip. Go ahead. See if you can do it. Can you make me a paper airplane? It's okay.

I think you're already wrong. No. You're getting it. You're getting it. I don't think he's rolling out, is he? Okay, usually I do that first fold first. I would say half of that. Usually I cut him in half.

Maybe it's the whole thing. All right. Let's see. What the fuck? There's always a guy over here doing fucking work on me. I know. This is kind of good. This is good.

No, see, he's going to stop right there. He's going to be done. This could be a good fucking. No, that thing sucks. Listen to me. That thing sucks. That's a paper airplane. I know, this is kind of good. This is good. No, see, he's going to stop right there. He's going to be done. Wait, this could be a good fucking. No, that thing sucks. Listen to me. That thing sucks. That's a paper airplane. That thing's making a football.

That's a good fly. That was good. You got to do like. You got to do. There's like a second fold in there that you missed. That you got to like. He'll make it for us, but not for his daughter. You got to do that.

And then it's like That You gotta do that first Now we're talking like a fucking jet dude And then you fold that back And then there's like one more fold That I missed but that double fold Shay would have loved to learn this Wait let's see it

I fucked it up I fucked it up but I knew I fucked it up So I just threw it right We saw you at the 9-11 special how was that? 9-11 the 9-11 MSG

oh the MSG yeah yeah yeah what do you mean 9-11 you remember the day with the planes? what are you talking about? that was the first time that was a very cool special

first time I did the garden I was kind of really? I was wondering that like our friend Carly Aquilino opened up. Oh, yeah, yes. I saw her before.

She's great. She's killing it, but, you know, not Madison Square Garden level, where all of a sudden, you know, I always thought about that, about openers, too. It's like, all right, I'm opening for Burr. I know that I'm special, but I'm not ready to do a fucking arena yet. That's right. Yeah, that's got to be cool, though, as a New York guy to do the garden.

It was really cool. That's awesome. And in that name, you know, for that cause. I know, of course. I always wanted to do New York, my New York guy To do the garden It was really cool That's awesome And in that name You know for that I know of course I always wanted to do New York My New York story show there You know Yeah

Speaking of Irish There's a lot of Irish in there But I mean I always wanted to do that At the garden Because I was like This is the New York That's the spot

Yeah What is that? I mean I feel like you could You could have a You could do a When it's all said and done If you did something

At the garden That is like No way The New York fucking... I could. That New York show I did. I mean, that's... Yeah.

It's already on Netflix, but I mean... No, I mean like a... Not even like a comedy special. I couldn't sell... I can't sell like that. I don't sell like that. It is crazy.

I mean, it is nuts on that level. Some people sell. Some people don't. Yeah. You know what I mean? I think that you're on that list of comics comics too. Yeah. It's always... I don't. Yeah. You know what I mean? I think you're on that list of comics, comics, too. Yeah.

It's always, I don't know. I mean, I think it's a huge honor. It is. Oh, it's a total honor. To me, it's like the peak of comedy. No, the peak is selling those. Well, that's what I'm saying. It is an honor.

Kevin Hart can sell out a fucking football stadium, right? And that is the game. You want to make $50 million a year. Oh, yeah. But in the world of comedy, you and a talent, all those guys, it's like, man, that's the best of the best. And that's something you can't buy that. You can't fake it. You can't buy it.

You can't sell it. Yeah. Nice. Nice I want to try to make one of those footballs Oh yeah I can't even remember That is something I guarantee No kid has done in the last 10 years

Because they're like I'm too busy sending like dick pics on Snapchat to play fucking football at the cafeteria. I can't argue with that. Yeah, right? Could you imagine

growing up in that era? I'm sitting in the football, you're like, dick chicks. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? Yeah, I know, growing up in that.

Growing up in this era has got to be out of your, you know. Now it's crazy. I mean, now it's sort of like double contradictory mixed messages too

so you never know what the hell you're doing. It's so warm making paper footballs. Talking about, like, yeah. Double contradictory mixed messages. If I was 13, man, my dick. Would be a good scene in, like, a movie. It's the father talking to the son of a dick pics while he's making a football. Paper football.

So here you go, son. Look at this thing. That's the worst fucking paper football I have ever seen, Colin. If you turn this into a football, I'm going to be fucking flabbergasted. I can, but like I said, I always use the stupid

too much tape. That was my problem. Hold on. I'll get this shit. Wait, he's not a good one. He's getting there. It's better than I thought it was going to be. I feel like... Wait, it's not a good one. It's full. You know, he's getting there. Yeah. It's better than I thought it was going to be. No, that's exactly...

I feel like I'm with my uncle who has Parkinson's trying to fold this thing up here. Yeah. No, it's... Well, I need tape now. You're out of luck on that one, pal. I think that's where he's at. It's a little big, but it's not... Yeah, it's too big.

Well, I guess give it another fold and a half and you'd be there. All right. Well, let's do small now. Yeah, you're right. That's it, man. It's better. Shit. Yeah. Yeah, you got too big. Well, I guess give it another fold and a half, and you'd be there. All right. Well, let's do small now. Yeah, you're right. That's it, man. It's better. Shit. Yeah.

Yeah, you got there. Yeah. A little bit of tape. Again, yeah, it's not bad. But then you tape, but the problem was I would always over-tape. Yeah, and then you got this thing. And it slides. This is going on our wall of fame.

Oh, yeah. But you got to tape it. Yeah, we'll tape it up. But Colin Quinn Paper Football, go right next to the KC Radio 8. I like that, guys. Can I sign it or something? Yeah. Yeah, we'll do that.

We'll do that. It's kind of fucked up, you know. We'll get a pen. But I don't want to sign it with a pen. I want to sign it with a marker. I'm not signing it. It looks cool with a marker. No pens.

What the fuck? I mean, I got a fucking purple marker over there. Hold on. I'll just sign my initial CQ. Man, anybody could do that. All right, Bynum, sign my name. This pen is annoying, though. Look, I was writing it down to have a pen.

It barely worked. Jeez, it's not too big. Hold on. Maybe we'll make it a nice... The other side, too. Yeah, maybe we'll... I'm going to color it purple now. I used to like those, you know... There we go. Back in. I used to like those Vikings back in the day.

There we go. This is a great addition to the wall. I only like football in the 70s. Yeah. And, yeah, like even yesterday, they're talking about the best tight end. It's always Gronkowski and everybody. Yeah. And all I'm thinking about is John Mackie, fucking rich cast.

Throwback names. Yeah. Oh, God. I mean, so fucking bad. Oh, my God. Running through

like The Jets as a franchise is just fucking pathetic. It's so bad. It really is. It's so bad. Starting with

Al Waddell, I mean, Ken O'Brien. The Jets destroyed a lot of, speaking of Irish, a lot of Irish quarterbacks got

destroyed. Glenn Foley, Ken O'Brien. There's like five. Dude, the names and the- Because it all starts the same way. Where you're like, you know what? I know they suck, but you know what?

Seriously, they're starting to look pretty good. That's right. I'm not- I'm done, man. I'm not- It's a mental illness, and I've been torturing myself with it it and I'm fucking done with it. So when I was a kid, right? Okay, so when I was a kid, so again, when I was a kid

I was there. I was 10 years old when the fucking Joe Namath, when they won the Super Bowl. Oh, wow. You were at the game? No. Oh. I'm just saying I was aware. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went down at halftime. I ran down to get some soda or whatever from the store. The streets in Brooklyn deserted.

Really? It was Sunday. There's usually a lot of people. Everybody was home watching. The streets were deserted. No cars. There was nobody out. Ghost town.

That's pretty cool. It was crowded. Yeah. And everybody's watching that goddamn game. And so then, after that, we had the Knicks, the Mets, the Knicks, and the Jets. All won the 69-7. 69 is insane. And it made sense because New York's such a big city.

Right. So popular, so much money. That's why this doesn't make sense. Ever since then, these three, I mean, the Mets had a couple of years maybe. Terrible. This has been a nightmare. It's like they fucking sold their- My whole life has been a nightmare.

They all sold their souls. My whole life- That's the title of the next book. My whole life has been a nightmare. I mean, there's nothing... People have said to me before, like, well, yeah, but do you really want to be a Yankee fan? Like, you don't want to be those douchebags.

And it's like, I mean, I don't want to be a Yankee douchebag, but it seems a lot fucking better than what I've been doing the last 35 years. Jesus fucking Christ. Exactly. They say, oh, but when you do win one, it's going to be like that much better. It's like that would be like just being a virgin for as long as you could. Because like when you do have sex, it's really going to feel good. It's like, no, I'd rather just be having sex the whole time.

And it's so bad because the Yankees, I remember when they started like buying their teams in the late 90s, mid 90s. I was like, they're buying their stars. I don't want to do that. But they understood, like, this is New York. So even though it was kind of cheeseball the way they did it. Who cares? I'm from Boston, so I'm a Red Sox fan.

And that was our thing from the late 90s to 2003. You guys buy your team. And then we started winning with block teams. We were like, you fucking broke bitches. John Henry Golden, you cheap motherfuckers. You should buy your team. And then we started winning with block teams. We were like, you fucking broke bitches. We buy our team. You cheap motherfuckers. You should buy a championship. It's dope out here.

It's so much fun. When they jumped the shawky Yankees, Randy Johnson. Yes. I remember that moment being like, oh, my God. As a Mets fan, Yankee hater, I was like, fuck. They've got the big unit. And it just totally crashed and burned. Because you can't.

And they're doing it again right now. They're doing it with Garrett Cole. They're doing it with these guys that are not the right fucking fit. And when they were at their peak, it was guys, Paul O'Neal, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera. Those guys were not big when they got them. Right, right. They didn't get, you know what I mean? Yeah, you got to be a good, you got to get them before.

That's what they do. They got everybody when they're like too late. Yes. Just too late. No, exactly. I actually, I do compare comedy and sports a lot in the sense of like, do you believe that you have a prime as a comic that correlates to ages at all? Well, no.

I mean, honestly, I really believe, unlike music, which when you're young, I guess, but I feel like comedy, the older you get, at least in theory, you should be getting better when you get older. You should be better. No, forever. Like, you think that just keeps going? Yeah. Like, you don't think you reach a point

where it's like, well, now I'm, like, older and I can't go on the road as much and I'm breaking down. Well, it's not fun to watch old people. No, no. I'm saying you have to be a better comedian. No.

I'd rather watch younger people do anything. Yeah. That's a fact. Because older people, it's like, ugh. I don't want to see this old anything Yeah That's a fact Because older people It's like I don't want to see this old fuck It's like watching porn Exactly

Like in theory You should be getting more And younger Comedy porn But young Because young people Is something funny About somebody getting up

And their energy is funny Yeah Because they're young And there's something funny I can't put your finger on it But it's just something about it But as far as your material You better be getting better As you get older in my opinion I mean that that doesn't make

sense to me yeah you're more experiences and you just understand how it's put together that's your job but you should be a craftsman if you hit your peak like some people happens early some people happens later right do you think you can have a peak? I feel like almost everybody gets a few specials or whatever the mark of success is, and then you kind of naturally will not fall off. But I just feel like you can't sustain it for like 40 years, 30 years. No, you should be able to. Who has been at the top for so, so, so, so, so long? Well, like you said, David Tell.

I mean, you know, this guy's still so, so long? Well, like you said, David Tell, I mean, you know, this guy's still as funny as ever. Yes, but, but like, but at the top, at the top of the business,

when you're selling like arenas and shit, does that last forever? there's more pressure, right? Yeah. Well, top, I don't count,

because then all of a sudden, I don't count how you sell, obviously. We're not going to use that as a, but I mean, but if I did, yeah, I'm just saying,

as far as the pressure to Come up with Yeah And also once you've made it You have money You have some fame You're not The material's not the same

You know It's not Exactly right You're funnier Hungry dogs run faster man You're funnier when you're sleeping On your buddy's fucking couch Exactly

Yeah that's what I mean That's the biggest Yeah So you can't Definitely a thing Where suddenly If you're not talking, what's worse, if you're talking about I'm in a private jet,

that's better, but that's better than the guy that's in a private jet talking about, hey, I can't believe it's $5 at fucking Target. Yes. It was over. His daddy's full of shit. Yes. You're still trying to do your material from when you're 24 when you're a fucking 40-year-old millionaire.

When Don Rickles, why Don Rickles was always so funny because he'd be on Johnny Carson and Johnny Carson would try to be like at the gas station

and he'd go, Johnny, me and you don't go to the gas station. When's the last time you went to a gas station? Yeah. I think Louis C.K.

has a bit about that where he's talking about a soldier was coming out to a flight and he's like, I was sitting in first class because I'd gotten upgraded. I don't know. My fucking life's better than yours.

Right, right, right. Trying to hide while you're in first class. Right, you can't hide. I would much rather you to be like, yeah, I'm rich now. But you're right. Let's talk about that. But even then, you're right. But you have to, but you're right.

It's like if you're on a private jet, you can't know about being in the middle seat on a flight. So it's, so it's, it doesn't make sense. So either way, yeah, it does.

Of course. And it's very hard to be funny. You know, comedy is all about relatability, right? Nobody can relate to your fucking first class fights anymore. So it's almost like you, I should like get your money,

but don't put it to the side and don't live that life at all. Right. You know what I mean? Because it's impossible. Or just be like undercover boss and just fly

you know and coach only with that horrible fake wig. Even though they make fun of it it's like really the cheapest those wigs are so hard

it's offensive to watch that show. It's like who's getting fucking duped by this shit? I mean they do make fun of it. But I mean, like that Shaq commercial. But it's still infuriating. So you got a book coming out?

And we're on tour? No? I don't know. I told you that. But there's something about it. November 20th. Is that New York Comedy Fest? No, November 1st.

Wasn't this a November book? You guys. Did I make it up? I don't give a shit. Who fucking cares? It said... No, I have a book. Yeah, no, I made that up. You're right. You did make it up. November 2't give a shit. Who fucking cares? It said... No, I have a book. Yeah, no, I made that up.

You're right. You did make it up. November 2nd. No, November 20th. Saturday, November 20th. November 2nd. Not November 20th. The 20th, it's over.

Tuesday, November 2nd. Oh, to the 20th. This is how professionals do it. I knew there was a 20th on there. That's why I love this show. I think I thought the last best hope was a book book title because that sounds like a book title to me. It should be a book title. It certainly should be a comedy special title.

My other titles were... Here's the problem. My other titles were really great and nobody gave a shit. So I was like... What were they? So at first I was like The History of the World Long Story Short. History of the World. Long Story Short. Yeah, right. I get it. Unconstitutional Alright

Now that I'm saying them They're not the greatest No the first You know what The first was really good But it was fucking I'm too dumb for it You gotta think about it

For a second You're too dumb for that special History of the world Long story short Once you said it I was like Oh yeah yeah yeah Okay fuck

You gotta remember I have one assignment I have one assignment For you guys Which is watch, don't watch all of New York's story, just watch the Irish section of New York's story.

I think you guys will really appreciate it. Because I really, since we're all Irish people, which is only interesting to us, I really figured something out about our people. It's important. You guys watch it.

We must see it? Yes, it's a must see. Only that one section. It's about 20 minutes in. It's about the history of all different ethnic groups in New York. You've unlocked the secrets of the Irish way? I figured out why we are the way we are. Because we're drunk and depressed.

You did that for 20 minutes? No, it's not 20 minutes long. It's at the 20-minute mark. It should be about three seconds long. We're drunk and depressed. No, but it's really, that's all I want you guys to do. All right, so the last best hope. November 2nd to November 20th.

Yes. And then I'm going on tour all over this land. God forsaken. God forsaken. I asked Whitney Cummings this. I want to know your answer too. Are you still doing middle of nowhere fucking Iowa or Idaho just because you just like the game though? You just like the world to stand up.

Well, I mean, I feel like most real people that love the game, like you said, they don't even think about where you are. It's just that there are people who like you. And you want to also be like, what's that? So you're like a Texas high school football team. I'll play wherever. I don't even need a field. I don't need yard markers.

By the way, one of the great things I watched, I never watched during the pandemic, was Friday Night Lights, the TV show. The greatest. It's the fucking best. My dad had never seen it either. My dad will tell strangers on the street, Coach Taylor got me through the pandemic.

What else would you watch? You sit down to binge some shows. What are you watching? I've watched, I mean, shows that I never would have watched except for the pandemic. Dexter. Coming back. What did you think of the ending? Terrible, right?

Oh, he's a logger. Who the fuck thought that at showtime was like, nailed it. It's going to be a lumberjack. You know the ending of another thing that sucked? Squid Games. Awful. The most obvious way. It's going to be a lumberjack. You know the ending of another thing that sucked? Squid Games. Awful. The most obvious ending. It's still a good show.

It's one of those shows where it's good while you watch it, and then you think back on it, and you're like. Plot holes galore. Like, yeah. Things that don't make sense. It didn't make sense. That was an entertaining show. It was very entertaining.

It was not good. It was very nice. Yeah, because I love it. I'm cool with that. I'm not trying to rewrite history and be like, ah, I hate it every second. I enjoyed the fuck out of it while I watched it. That's right. And then as I think back, I'm like,

huh, there's a lot of stuff I didn't care for. Yeah. No, that's so true, though. That's actually the mark of how fucking entertaining it was is that it can be that stupid of an ending. And I go, usually if the ending's bad, I'm like, you know, throw it all out. But it was...

Like The Sopranos. They threw it all out. I bet you season two of that is going to be awful. Oh, the worst. I think they're like, fuck. I mean, it's the number one show of all time, and they're going to try to live up to that? But once again, what I was saying about those seats at the Knicks games,

same thing. Here they are. We're going to indict capitalism, and at the end they're like, let's make sure we leave it open for season two. Yeah, right, right. I told you guys about the purity of the art. What happened? These money-grubbing assholes

let me dye my hair red and leave a cliffhanger to go to season two. And he gets his whole character to be the guy

that's like I'm going to take you down. Are you fucking Jason Bourne now? Go see your daughter you asshole.

Get on the plane and go see your daughter you piece of shit. He's trying to make a paper airplane.

She's been begging her mom. She's got no idea. You know what? That is great. You know what? Give that one to your daughter.

Uncle Colin gave this to you. All right, man. You got time to shoot a quick video for us? Sure. We're going to go next door. But thanks for everything. Thanks, guys.

November 2nd to the 20th. Go watch it. Thank you. Okay. I'll admit I enjoyed that that's what I like to hear big thanks to Kyle and Quinn just wanted to make note for all the chicken heads out there of just how many unbelievable comedy legends

we are just rattling off like it is nothing, like if you would have told me at some point like 10 years ago we would have all of the comics on that we've had in just the last month. I would have said we're the most successful podcast in the world. It's crazy. Thanks to Colin Quinn, and now we got Mike Feeney

on KC Radio. Let's hear from him. I think it's very ironic that you basically got Irish hello'd on the Irish Goodbye podcast. John just never showed up for his appearance with Feeney and Cannon. I deeply apologize.

You can't be mad at somebody on an Irish Goodbye podcast about Irish hello. I respect. There's a part of me that respects it, and then another part of me that's like, you know what? And then you started posting stories again of like up there You know you know when someone like that night. I did You know when someone we know when someone doesn't respond to you But then they're posting Instagram stories, and you have to go through that thing of being like But I don't think I think you it never even said seen so I don't think it was the thing you open

I'm a big not DM guy. I'm like, remember when T-Pain went viral being like, holy shit, all these people have been talking to me? That would happen to me. I'd be like, oh, look at all this shit. Everyone doesn't hate me. I actually do remember that. That was, there was a weekend.

That was a weekend. There was some things going on that weekend. Yeah, I think that was like a Thursday night. Yeah, I was in the middle of a disaster. Yeah, I remember being like, no offense to you. This is the last. Like, his own podcast is the last thing on his mind right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, yeah, that is the old feeling of, like, you're tweeting and posting, and I've either texted you or DMed you, and I know you have seen it. Because DMs you cannot see. But a text message is like, I know you're on your phone and it pops up on your phone and I know you're ignoring it. And you have to swipe it away. Get off my screen. Can't even be on my screen for three seconds.

Get off. Yeah, that's infuriating. That is really, that is the toughest part. Really, it's the hardest part of life. It's navigating the, like, I don't want to talk to certain people, but everyone knows that you are electronically connected at any given moment. What's the maximum amount of time you allow someone to not respond back to a text of yours and be like, that's fine?

Forever. Forever? Forever. I'm going to follow up with it and be like, hey, man, did you see this? I know you saw it. I allow people to lie. I am totally fine with people lying to me. I have no to follow up with it and be like, hey, man, did you see this? I know you saw it. I allow people to lie. I am totally fine with people lying to me. I have no issue with it whatsoever.

All right. What's the amount of time? I will wait three weeks, and I'll let you say, hey, man, missed this, and I'll know it's a lie. Well, that's what I mean. What's the amount of time you know it's a lie? Five seconds. I work in the world. I see the world.

I see how often everyone's on their phone. I know you saw that within five minutes. Right. Unless you were in the world. I see the world. I see how often everyone's on their phone. I know you saw that within five minutes. Right. Unless you were in the shower. I'll allow like – sometimes we'll do like a session that's like three podcasts long. So it's like, oh, I saw it and then I like put it down. We record for a bunch and then I like – because I saw it, I don't remember it when I'm done. Yeah, I did all the time.

So like it can like get lost in the mix. But if it was important, I would have replied right away. But also that's also – I think, if you have a job like this, if you just have a regular-ass job where I know you're looking for entertainment at any given moment. What are you doing with that? Right. So I know you saw that shit.

Yeah, of course. And so, yeah, that really is like a couple hours. You know, that's it. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, I give, I think, a three-hour window. After three hours, I start going like, all right. Okay. I guess we're in this game because

then like it also oh I don't I'm out I don't care I mean this is what you have no no no self-esteem well but then but you also don't seem to be taking it personally so maybe you're you're gonna probably go pretty far in this industry if you can manage to have not mix your ego into it. Oh, he has no ego. Oh, I don't take it personally at all. That's wild. See, I take it like a direct assault. So when I, you thought I was like insulting you guys? What a crazy assumption

to assume that the guy who no showed, no called the podcast, and then didn't ever say, hey, by the way, I missed this, sorry about that, and then went on living the rest of his life until I saw him face to face Last week for the first time in two years and it also didn't come up and now I'm doing the show and now it comes Up and boy oh boy. How did I not take it personally wait?

So what are you talking about were you confused when I went to you in the bar? Yeah! Yeah! Pretty fucking confused! Pretty confused that that was in your opening opening line hey how's it been the last couple years by the way so sorry I no called no showed you you know I forgot I forgot all about it I was just like bro I bought tickets to that show to go see you I forgot I no showed your podcast I thought you were gonna no show the show I looked for you when I was on stage I didn't see you in the crowd I thought you were going to no-show the show. I looked for you when I was on stage. I didn't see you in the crowd. I thought you no-showed that, too. I was with my parents. We were down that weekend. I was like, oh, I know Mike Feeney.

He's funny. Let's go to Gotham tonight. He brought his parents. Yeah, I know. His parents met my mom. It was a whole thing. Yeah. So wait.

Wait. So there's a moment where John's mom is talking to your mom. And you're sitting there like, this motherfucker. This goddamn son of a bitch. It was more confused. Like, it's like, does he not know social etiquette? Like, where we're at? Like, something needs to be addressed.

And I'm like, there's no time for this. I'm so confused. Your mothers met before you guys reconciled this. Yeah. Which apparently, it was not needed to be reconciled. Anyone else in the world, I would be like, this guy is a piece of social garbage. I know. But him, I'm like, it could happen.

I got to be honest, the way you came up to, you were very, you were just so, you know, warm and friendly. Like, no, yeah. I didn't feel like you were trying to, you know, there's some people where they know they might have fucked up and they're trying to like bury it. I didn't get that feeling. I know that you know. I forgot until right now.

Until you came in. I was like, I'm supposed to do Irish goodbye. Fuck. Bonnie shit. I'd love to do Irish goodbye again. Well, the show is over. We ended the podcast. So we couldn't take the loss of you.

No show. The ego blow was such that we ended the whole podcast. Wow. That is so good. That is so good. That is so good. I feel like I just emotionally came. I've had emotional blue balls.

We had a meeting of the families. Was there any moments with you and Cannon that were like, fuck VitalBurn, this guy's a fucking asshole that day for sure

we were like what's going on and then again you kind of explained where you're like hey you know whatever and so that was like okay that's fine

so like the rest of it we're like okay whatever we'll do the show but then it was more the not not being like

yeah following up being like ah fuck man I forgot about that thing I forgot to follow up when Kevin said told me about fuck, man. I forgot about that thing. I forgot to follow up. When Kevin told me about it, I was like, I should follow up. And you didn't do it again. But, okay, now ask me this.

Was any part of you like a little tapped? And my producer emailed you. Oh, well, email. We haven't done email in a while. So we got you through multiple modes of things. And you confirmed, I think, earlier that day. Really? All these things sound like things I would do.

That's why we were like, he died. What we did learn relatively after that is that John has a drinking problem. So don't be too surprised. We learned it before. We learned it after. We learned it. We're checking everything, like flaking on friends and family Like no showing work

Not following up We're hitting all the boxes Yeah Yeah Yeah But was any part of you Excited Like we've had guests cancel

And I'm like Oh my god Yeah I do love when they cancel It's almost like When you're in college And like Your teacher's five minutes late Like he might not fucking show up

Yeah Yeah And it's like Oh a guest isn't even coming Hell yeah Guests we like It's like okay I just don't have to do that thing that I had to do for the next hour.

Yeah. I mean, we did most of the shows alone anyway, so it was fine. It just would have been like, oh, okay. Because we were doing it. It was a storytelling podcast, so we would always have to be like, if we didn't live an exciting enough life that last week, we were like, fuck, we need a guest because we got to fill this. Isn't that tough, man?

Yeah. I have really struggled with that the last 10 years. The first couple years of Barstool, I was single, living in New York. Truly, my 20, I got the Barstool job when I was 25, but I would say starting 23 and 4 through 27, that four-year period, was definitely the best time of my life. Renting houses in the summer. We're doing like ski houses in the winter.

Life is free, carefree, living with the friends I wanted to live with. I had some money, all that shit. And so it was like easy to tell stories and have experiences, even just little things like, you know, like commuting to work when I was working at Deloitte, like on the subway and shit. When all of a sudden it just became like, I just did the blog and then I got old enough that like I became lame. I like I don't know much to talk about right now yeah and also it's like once like you start getting out of like

the lingo that pop called like I heard like someone someone just talked to me about like like being shipped yesterday yeah and they were like I was like what I think there was a I thought someone like typed and they were like, uh-oh, you're getting old. Fuck, fuck! I'd say the three signs of getting old socially.

Number one is I can't wake up in the morning and my back hurts and I can't eat certain foods. I would say when you don't know the lingo, you don't know the music, and you don't know how to use the apps. When I first opened Snapchat i there's no words they're just like little pictures and logos i don't know what i mean you know and then when uh when when music really hurt me because i was always like the music guy in my friend group who like would always have the songs first and that was also when you could download them like early you know like steal them

so like there was a there was a point to being the music guy now it's just like i mean i don't know any rap songs i don't know any lyrics and then the lingo the lingo is tough because i actually do know the lingo i just can't i know i can't use it yeah it's actually i see it but i can't be like it's i could more naturally use the n-word then yeah I was at a I was at a wedding for this comedian there was a bunch of comics there and there's a comic who's like you know he's in his 40s and they were playing like a traditional Jewish I think like the chair lifting song kind of a thing and and he looked at me and he was like yo I never realized how much this song slaps.

And I fully heard him, but I wanted him to repeat it. So I said, I go, what did you just say? And he goes, oh, yo, I just realized this song, it goes hard. So he already changed it once. And then I asked him again. I go, what? And he goes. This song is good. Third time he goes, it once. And then I asked him again. I go, what? And he goes.

This song is good. Third time he goes, it's a good song. This shit slaps, dude. It's hard, man. Because also, I can't believe that my lingo is now super lame. You know what I mean? If I'm just like, oh, that's dope. People are like.

Yeah. Kill yourself, old man. Yeah. Like, wait, what? I've said dope my whole life. I think they're like, dope, dude. I don't even think they're saying, like, you're using a cool. I think they're saying, you're using a word you think is cool, and that word isn't cool.

Right. But I'm also not saying dope because I think it's cool. Yeah, dope's just the word I use. Dope to me is cool. Like, the word cool. Like, cool is timeless. Cool is ageless. You can say that's cool from 1920s to 2005 million.

But dope definitely like I don't think is that. Dope is like there was a time when like dope and fat were both things. Fat. Fat had a moment. Fat shot past dope. What was it? Money talks? Dope kind of like. Yeah. Pretty shot past dope. What was it? What was it? Money talks? Dope kind of like, yeah.

Pretty hot and tempting. Pretty hot and tempting. Yeah, yeah. But then like fat for sure fell off. I thought dope still lingered around. Not as like the cool thing, but something you could say. But no. Look at this.

This is the oldest conversation in the world. This is like kill yourselves, you three old men. Yeah. I was going to say sucks is pretty timeless. Sucks is great. Yeah, but that's probably what's happening with this conversation. Sucks, cool. I think if you're white, awesome will forever be okay.

Black guys can't say, they're not saying awesome. Yeah, I've had people laugh at me for saying awesome, just being like, what a white guy thinks he's awesome. Well, you know what? I feel like you can also say it when you're younger and it's okay, but when you're our age, it's like, yep, you sound like you're saying that. You sound like a dad. Yeah. And that's hard to swallow too when to me you are a dad so yeah yeah but to me like i still feel like i look like i'm early 20s not not like age wise but just like presentation wise i've been kind of wearing the same clothes the

whole time like jeans and a hoodie like sneakers you know what i mean no, no, no. People look at you and they know. You know what I mean? Did you just pitch to us that you could go to college and fit in? No. But in my head, that's what I mean. Like in my head, I'm like, I work at Barstool. Like I know what's going on. Listen, I'm cooler than the other – my peers that are 36.

Let me tell you that much. You know what I mean? I show up to like some of these things with other parents. I'm like, you guys look like you're 100. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm closer to that than i am to the cool kids i know you know what i mean in my head i'm still like i don't i'm not that lame it's like no you're you're lame bro dude i did that this weekend like just like kind of flip it out of my phone realizing my friends who are i think i do think like there's a a biological transformation

that happens yes kids are into the picture. Because I was sitting at a bar alone in a basement this weekend, flipping through Instagram stories and being like these fucking losers. Looking at my friends, they dressed up with their children. And I was like, oh god, you guys look old.

You're not having fun. Again, I was in a basement bar alone. Isn't it weird though? I look at everybody're not having fun. Again, I was in a basement bar alone. Isn't it weird, though? I look at everybody pretty much as losers. I'll see anyone who has got 20 or more Instagram stories in a day. I'm like, loser. If I see people just trick-or-treating with their kids, loser. There's nothing you can do.

What's something that somebody could do that's cool? If you're enjoying life, loser. Huge loser. But also, if you're not enjoying life so much that you have to go on social media to get attention for it, loser. It's basically ultra-successful people that look

cool. But you can't flaunt it. Can't flaunt it too much. But then you're not a loser, then you're an asshole. It's not a loser, it's like The Rock having his cheat day. You know what I mean? Because you're like, he's not throwing it in our face, but he's eating like one of us. But like, he's not showing... The workout video is a loser.

Cheat day, not loser. You know? It's a very fine line. But I think cheat day is becoming a loser because he's made it a thing where it's like, now you are starting to kind of flaunt it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. He can afford $600 in sushi. I'm one of you. It's like, no, you're to kind of flaunt it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, he can afford $600 in sushi.

I'm one of you. It's like, no, you're fucking not, Dwayne Johnson. Get the fuck out of here. It is humongously difficult to be a person that just someone doesn't hate. You think it'd be so easy to go about just not being hated? It's borderline impossible. That's why I have low self-esteem, though, because I have self-awareness about all this. So I'm like, everyone's looking at me going, loser.

Yeah. So why would I post anything? Because I know that people are going to look at it in a dark bar alone going, that guy's a loser. Speaking of being in that dark bar where we saw each other two weeks ago, whatever it was. Yeah. Someone came up to me that night and was just like, yo, man, how do you deal with how much everyone hates you? Like, same thing. That's so hurtful.

When we had Danny Lopriore on the show, he just genuinely looked at me and goes, man, how are you still standing? I was like, well, fuck. I don't know. I thought it was like just like I got to live my life. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just roll over and die, Danny. How do I deal with that? I don't know.

Six years ago, I made a decision to never look at it. And since then, no one's come up to me and said it to my face. But thanks for breaking the ice, dude. Thanks for letting me know the consensus hasn't changed. Right. Holy shit. That is one of the most offensive things anyone's ever done. Hey, man, just want to reconfirm to you, the whole world hates you.

Your thoughts. Oh, that's brutal. That was a good bar though i feel like yeah it's like there's a lot of there was a lot of like mix of good crowds yeah i think it was i think the earlier show had just come in because like right before you came in there was like a big influx of people oh okay and i don't know if it was the earlier show from gotham or there were some people from the earlier show because they were there's a big crowd before you yeah it wasn't for you it was for the first act they were very they were very nice um no but you did the first show too right yeah yeah we did all we did all three that was a fun that was a big crowd before you. It wasn't for you. It was for the first act. They were very nice. No, but you did the first show too, right?

Yeah, yeah. We did all three. That was a fun weekend there, man. Gotham's great. That was sick. I was... That was actually... That started my nights of going back to comedy shows.

I had never... I probably did like three synth things. It was like... You'd see my parents laugh. Like, this is so much fun. Like, oh, you live like a... You're just a cry. We're so spoiled. Because that was like... Like, you can see my parents laugh. Like, this is so much fun. Like, oh, you live like an aristocrat. Yeah, we're so spoiled because that was only like the second or third time my mom has ever seen me do stand-up.

Because she lives in Florida, so she was like up. And she'd been to, I think, like my album recording. And then that was basically it. So she hadn't been in so long. But I take for granted that whole thing of like 350 people in a room on a Saturday in New York City. And like, you know, it's really packed. And like, especially if you do, if you're like killing and you're like, yeah, I mean, this is, I like expect if I don't do that, I'm angry.

That's like 0.01, 0.01% of like humans who have ever lived. You know what I mean? Like you take that for granted where it's like, you're probably thinking what's next. I got to sell out a thousand people and I want to do a theater and da da da. But like to do a fucking fucking you're filming like a special in front of a big crowd I mean that's incredible and then my mom wanted

so after the I think that was when it was after the because you went to the late show right? so she went to the she went to the early show which was also packed

and was great and then when the late show came she was like I wanna come back for the late show and I was like just I was telling her I'm like don't even come

to the late show because I don't wanna risk it you know she just saw a great set and I'm like right off right off the sunset if it's a late show I could bomb and then I don't want that I was telling her, I'm like, don't even come to the Late Show, because I don't want to risk it. You know, she just saw a great set, and I'm like, if I hit the Late Show, I could bomb, and then I don't want that. I was like, yeah, let's just end there. And then I convinced her not to go into that, because again, and it turned out to be

a great show. I wish she went in, and then she ended up coming to a show I did on Sunday, which had like eight people at it, and the host was terrible, and it was just like, it was an awful show, and I'm like, god damn it. That's what I think is so interesting for you guys, is that until you've like, until you've like really made it, it seems like there are ups and downs where, you know what I mean? Like you can do a few hundred people or then still do like right now we're doing the comedy festival and we're trying to move these tickets. Yeah, we're not promoting your show because we haven't shown the same time.

You're here for the same time? Same time though? What time is yours? 8 p.m. No, we're 6 promoting your show because we have a show same time same time though what time is yours 8pm no we're 630 so go to home run over to Mike's real quick

where are you New York Comedy Club East Village ours is like a unique show though because I guess we're doing it's called

Unlikely Duo so we're taking like the lineup we like are just announcing the lineup today but it's great it's like Rosebud Baker Akash Singh

Big Jay Oakerson, Sean Patton, Bonnie McFarland, Matt Richardson. We're taking people that have never been on stage together and usually have opposite energies and making them go on stage together. Who's going on with Rosebud? Rosebud's probably going to be Akash Singh. Put Akash on there and let the white woman go wild. Like Akash making fun of white women and then Rosebud's the one?

Forget about our show. Go see that. There's going to be someone who's going to be able to be like, Akash, shut the fuck up. It's her. That is unstoppable force versus immovable object. He is king making fun of white women. She's queen white woman. Wow.

Yeah, it's going to be's gonna be That's a good lineup And that's the fun part too Is like So are you like producing it Or Yeah Brendan Brendan Sagalow and I Are hosting it

We're producing it And hosting the show Cause we're like It's just a fun They asked us to do a show For the festival And it's just It's something different

Than just being like Oh we're co-headlining Or we're just gonna put together A stand up show It's like this at least That's fun for us to watch Right Cause none of the comics

Like you can't recreate it, you know? Well, I do feel like, I mean, there's so many acts at the festival. And they're all great and all that, but it's like, I do feel like it's a little bit white noise. Why even put the poster up? Have you seen it? Yeah, yeah. They keep forgetting to put us on.

We're just not on. They've forgotten. They spelled Brendan's name wrong, if that makes you feel better. But we're like the 33rd line down. Right. And I love that they say like it's alphabetical order I'm like okay

well you know are you garbage is going to get some shine but the rest of us we don't know a damn thing out of this poster guys so

but it's a cool idea to like especially for you you know you guys we're still just doing the live podcast thing but if you're a comic it's like let's do

something different for the festival you go up on stage a million times you might as well try to do might as well yeah it'll be fun for us because we have no idea how it'll go well even we said we were going to leave like just like almost like a thing of suggestions on the stool if they don't if they for some reason like i think all the comics are such pros they won't even need to look at it but if they're like they don't want to do crowd work and they don't want to riff they're just like all right what the fuck yeah jeremiah uh did um

stand up on the spot yeah with like shane and um a few other guys i can't remember now and they don't want to riff. They're just like, all right, what the fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeremiah did... Stand Up On The Spot. Yeah. With like Shane and a few other guys. I can't remember now. Akash was on there too. Akash was on there too, yeah. I mean, just like no routine,

no set. You know, I guess it's kind of like improv comedy, which is not that foreign of a concept. But, you know, I would imagine when you guys get used to a routine and you have your material

and this time you're just going up blind. It's a different experience. And at least the clips that they were putting up everybody was still killing it it was like you guys are fucking unbelievable it's free fall without a parachute on that show man

and I've done that show because he runs it at the comedy store usually that was for I think for Moon Tower or something that he did like a special one

where they taped it but I've done it at the comedy store and it's the most fun show it's so liberating even though it's terrifying because you're just going off suggestions. And usually, like, you get a bit out of it.

Like, every time I've done that show, I've walked away being like, oh, fuck, that's a good joke. Well, it's kind of podcast-esque, too. Yeah. Right? Where it's just like you press record and go. So I feel like if you do a podcast

and you tell stories and shit, you kind of are already built in. Yeah, it's that Robin Williams effect. It's like it all just connects. That's what Stefano was saying with Are You Garbage? I love doing that because the questions asked are so prompting where you walk out with like, oh, wait. I remember this.

I remember that. But I still feel like there's something about being on stage that's a very big X factor. At least for myself. I just know if I'm in here, I'm totally fine and everything's good. And on stage, I'm just different. Podcasting live is such a weird animal because it's such a combination

because the performer in me only cares about the audience when there's an audience there, but a good podcast is fully almost ignoring the audience. I try to balance that because I'm thinking, even just physically, when we do a live podcast, I sit to the crowd because I'm thinking that's the way to do it, but when I a live podcast i sit like to the crowd right

because i'm thinking that's the way to do it but when i do the podcast i sit like this talking to john the whole time so i'm like should i just do that yeah but but then i don't know i go back is there anything i don't think that live podcast has been perfected by anybody yet because i feel like some people say they want to just see the show but it's like no you don't you want to see like a live you want something that's like a live experience of course but then but then if we like we've done gimmicks and shit where people are like yeah that was cool but like we'd rather you just do your show but i'm like i i i'm also telling you if we yesterday we did a 10 minute ad read that's not gonna fly on stage it was funny though but but you know so i i think it's still like a it just has not been perfected yet because we're

still like at the very very very infancy of it all. Is there anything worse than if you ever listen to a live podcast and the hosts are like doing crowd work with the audience member? You can't see or know. Why is this even a thing? I don't – and then you can't hear what the person in the audience is saying. Yeah, we just stop putting them out all the time. Yeah, we don't put out live shows. Because they were funny.

And then I would listen back and I'd be like, oh, if I were to not know what happened, I would be like, this show kind of sucked. Because the crowd's not mic'd up for laughter either, so it doesn't sound like anything's that funny. But I'm like, I promised you they were roaring. We were killing. I promise. But yeah, so that'll be cool.

Yeah, I kind of want to go to that show. We're at Gramercy Theater. Oh, nice. That'll be sick. Yeah. So tickets for either of our shows on sale for Friday, November 12th. I was thinking about the first time I was put onto you, and it's funny. I mean, I wouldn't call it like your moment when you made it,

but I do feel like that vending machine video was a big thing for your social media, at least. Yeah. And I'm realizing now like how much that lined up in a perfect way. Because I was just on the road. It's all serendipity, man. Yeah. I was just on the road at Mohegan Sun. And then that happened.

It was a series of stories that was getting a lot of responses. And a couple comics were like, you should, like, clip it out together and put it as a thing. Which I was like, I guess I'll just throw it up. What was it again? You were trying to get chips, and they kept getting stuck. Trying to get popcorn out, like a smart food popcorn thing out. And there was two hanging when I walked up. So I was like, oh, let's see if I put one in, if I get it.

And then more and more kept getting stuck. And then I eventually went back hours later drunk and was like, look at this. And I was shaking the machine. And then I eventually put it in, and they all fell. And I was screaming like I won the prices right. The fact that you got it on a purchase though, right? Because like anybody could just like come up and shake it. It's like you earned it by paying

for it and maneuvering it. I bought every single one of them. And that's the thing that like so many people in the comments were like this guy's celebrating. He spent $40 on like, you know, a couple bags. But here's the thing, which first off you're like, even if did do that awesome still cool yeah i spent like i would spend 11 on a viral video there's no price on that but also i didn't do that because people were like i'm venmoing you money go back and pay so i only paid for the one and then everybody else

was venmoing me and then when smart food saw it They sent me Like a box that big Of Smartfood popcorn And then the vending machine Company saw it And the guy's like I'm John Vending Or whatever the fuck His name is

And he sent me A huge amount of Smartfood popcorn too And all this stuff So I had like A two years worth Of Smartfood At that point you're like

I'm done with Smartfood You're like Guys I was drunk I don't even like Smartfood Like if it was If it was doritos hanging i would have fucking gone for the doritos yeah but yeah he put the interstellar music over it and everything it became a very funny video and that came out like the same time that like

my album was coming out which also came out around the same time that covid so everybody went inside and was on their phone so like it all kind of lined up pretty well and then that's that's the kind of stuff that I think matters the most. Like, I don't know. I mean, I could see a clip of your, of your best jokes.

And I'd be like, that was funny. But knowing that you were like a drunk idiot celebrating, like I, I, any guy would have been like, ah, honey,

I got fucking 10 bags of chips. Yeah. Yeah. And then that was like, all right, that guy, you know, he gets it.

He's cool. It's the everyman victory. And I still get tagged like a couple of times a month and either like people reposting it or i'm in so many of those youtube compilations of like you know like luckiest people alive kind of a thing like volume 68 or something and then there's just me going like it's so wild man like the the it's almost i don't know let me let me ask you this do you think that that is um comforting or like scary i'm drawing a blank on good terms here but like it's awesome that it can be that lucky yeah but it's also like if you didn't if you don't have your vending machine moment who knows maybe you never make it yeah i mean one way or the other

it's it's good but it could also be well, I never had a viral video pop off. So nobody ever saw my funny fucking jokes. It's definitely frustrating. But at the same time, you're like, it's kind of cool to know that that can happen at like any given moment. At any single thing. So you're not like, oh, it has to be in the right cultural, like topical thing that you know i'm talking about travis barker right like it doesn't it can be it's like anything that's but at the same time yeah of course it's like it's the least amount of time i put into any of the work i've ever done like it's gotten so

much and also like barstool is a huge uh is it was a huge aspect of that because that's like you guys put it on barstool thing and that was like gave it a lot of but then with the barstool it mine had a second life on my page because i had the interstellar music on mine but on Barstool thing and that was like gave it a lot of but then with the Barstool mine had a second life on my page because I had the interstellar music on mine but on Barstool it didn't

because it was like it's like a copyrighted thing so it had like two separate lives that it lived so that was that was great but yeah I mean it's

of course you gotta like put yourself in those positions like you're good about it like you'll always go do things just to be like well maybe something

will happen for the show yeah hate every second of it yeah but that's what I mean like you're you're good about it like you'll always go do things just to be like well maybe something will happen for the show yeah i hate every second of it yeah but that's what i mean like you live i mean you're better i'm happy i'm very grateful you do that because i don't do that i'm like i hope i hope like it's monday it's time to record i hope john did something i don't i didn't hate it that's uh i know that it's fun but there are definitely times i know where you're like yeah yeah i'll go who knows maybe something Maybe something will happen. You know what I mean? So it's like... Because again, it could be... The time I stayed out until 8 a.m. hoping I bumped into

Post Malone was a regrettable... That was a low one. That was a low point. It was like this fucking... Sat in a fucking empty closed bar, right? It was an empty bar

waiting for Post Malone, Rihanna, and A$AP Rocky and I thought they were coming. Who told you? I was with a friend of theirs or a business partner of theirs. He's like, they're coming, they're coming. And then it was originally going to be Post Malone. And then he's like, yo, Post just texted.

He wants to know if he can bring A$AP Rocky and Rihanna. And I was like, yeah, that's fucking fine. That's okay. And he just kept being like, all right, they might be coming soon. They're coming soon. And that started at like 11 p.m. Oh, no. Do you think if you got super famous, you'd do that?

What? Like, it sounds like that's kind of, anytime you've ever heard a story about like, some famous person is coming, they don't. And it was probably at some point, like, or what do you think? You think that's a club manager who just made that up? Or do you think every famous person is just a flake

who's like, yeah, yeah, man, I'm coming. We're not going. It's not a, I don't think it, because it's not a club manager. It's like a business partner of theirs right but even that so you know what i mean like if it was just some like bartender i'd be like you fucking made this up but like a business partner there was probably a good enough like i'm coming man i'll be there yeah and it was reasonable to think that but then famous people just don't and the business partner and everyone else has to be like okay well yeah kev i can see it happening yeah nine straight hours i don't and the business partner and everyone else has to be like, okay, well. Yeah, Kev, I can see it happening.

Nine straight hours. I just don't think I would say it to people. I would just be like, I think if I got famous, I would finally have the balls to be like, I'm not coming. Why? Because I don't want to. That's all I want in life. I want to get to a point where I can say no to things and either A, not have to give a reason

or B, when they ask the reason, I say, because I don't want to. Yeah, because I've decided not to. I don't think money changes that. I would still be like, yeah, I'll be there. Well, there was a time we were going to an SNL after party that we got invited to. I think that's a classic New York experience too, right? They were like, the bar's going to be closed, and we're going to hang out. And it was some huge, like some A-list, a couple A-list celebrities were there,

or were going to all come by. And we were pretty excited. It was one of those nights where I had already done a couple spots, so I was tired, but then I got convinced to be like, let's just go hang over. So we go over there. We had to actually kill some time. We get over there like midnight, or maybe it was close to 1 a.m.,

and then they go, yeah, they wouldn't come until like at least like four or five and it was that thing where i just went well i don't care enough about this if i'm meant to meet tom hanks i'll meet him another time like i don't give a shit but what are they like who comes at four or five because people people on cocaine yes yeah well i would imagine i would think that uh also like if you're hosting that night, you're kind of like, all right, it's my one night in New York for the next six months. And I hosted or I was there and I'm on a bunch of coke. Like if I'm going to do – Does everyone do cocaine though? It's like, oh, yeah, they wouldn't come until 4?

John, I think so. Is Tom Hanks on cocaine? I'm not a coke guy, but I'm also, I'm always like, everyone must be on cocaine. Because how are you guys not tired and going to sleep? Right. Because I'm like, I am so tired right now and none of you guys are, so you're all on drugs. I'm not a cocaine guy, which explains why I'm not a up at 4 a.m. guy. That's the only way possible.

No one's up at 4 a.m. unless you're either like getting ready for an early flight or you're on. I can't. I mean, if I were to do a 4 a.m. night now and drink, it would put me out of commission. Not even the hangover. The hangover would kill me. But just the hours being up. I would be like I'm jet lagged all of a sudden. The ramifications. I would be like I traveled from around the world. You bounce back pretty fast.

No, I wouldn't. The body can survive. The body is like, all right, I've been up from Thursday to Saturday. I, I wouldn't. You, the body, the body can survive. The body's like, alright, I've been up from Thursday to Saturday. I'll make it work. I used to, man. I just, I feel like I... I think you haven't put yourself to the stress test in a while. I haven't. That's what we need to do.

No! I don't need any more stress! Sleep deprivation! Literally, my life is a stress test. I, I, but I do know what you mean, where it's go. Literally, my life is a stress test. But I do know what you mean, where it's like, you know, I feel like you can dig back and throw that fastball one more time. Yeah, it's like a mom rescuing her baby. If the night's worth it, you'll get that school bus up.

That's true. But I just don't know what you would need to put together for that night to be worth it. Because, like, I just can't even begin to get my hopes up for, hopes up for my- 2015 Mets reunion and they all want to talk to you? No. No? No. Huh. No.

It would need to be like a- I don't know what it would need to be. That wouldn't do it for me. Because those are things that I would know they wouldn't want to be there. You know what I mean? Yeah. Half the time with the problem with, you want to come to this? So-and-so's going to be there? It's like, okay, but they don't want to be there. Or they're mean yeah half the time that with the problem with um you want to come to this like so and so is going to be there is like okay but like they don't want

to be there or they're not going to want to hang out with me i'm going to get like a handshake and a picture and that's it well it's so weird asking for a picture when you're in the entertainment side of it too because it feels so like it feels like i immediately it separates you now you're like now you're a fan you're like like a contemporary would be like what's up man that's it there's so many people that that's what you got that i. You're a loser. Like a contemporary would be like, what's up, man? That's it. There's so many people that I've met that I wish I had a picture with. You guys are teaching rookies here, bro. What are you talking about?

You walk in with someone, and you just got to be like, yo, you got to have a picture ready. And so then it's just like a picture like it's a candid. Oh, do you have a friend? You're not posing. Paparazzi? I've never done it, but you can inspect my not posing I've never done it You can inspect my Instagram I've never done it But if you wanna do it

That's the way to do it And then that person Who you're meeting Just has to be like Oh yeah like your friend there Just like violated us Did you just take a picture of us? Well yeah the flash off

Oh so you want a sneak pic Yeah it's like a candid picture Well that's Candid picture I'm pro candid picture Whether you're meeting a celebrity or not I don't wanna pose a candid picture. Well, that's just... A candid picture. I'm pro-candid picture at all. Whether you're meeting a celebrity or not, I don't want to pose for a picture. Just take a picture of us. Okay. Yeah, I guess, man.

But that's such a weird thing. We're gonna have a poser picture and do like the white guy, like my fucking hand weirdly in my pocket. Your thumb sticking out. This thing sticking out so I'm looking a little casual. See, black people obviously have so many cool things that they can do that white people can't. but even just like the weird hand things

like you know when they're like like like like like when they're just a plane like like like when you take a picture

and they're just like what is that what are these things that you do you know it's like half a gang sign but more just like we throw this up now

I throw cow bunga all the time do you I just I go classic I go point I just point at the person this guy

it doesn't matter who it is. Hey. It's my universal, hey. Tom Hanks. Yeah. He's on the other side of you. Tom Hanks is doing a line.

I think the only thing that would, it has to almost be like for content. If you told me you're going to get an interview with, and even that, it's got to be like a top notch personch person. If it was like, yo, come to this party. Leo might give you 15 minutes in the back room real quick. That would never happen, but it would be enough

that you could dangle that carrot and I might do it. I waited on Leo when I used to serve. It was my first restaurant job and that was the hardest moment ever to not like break and be like can i get a picture yeah it wasn't a restaurant like if you were to do that they would be like you're fired 100 yeah it was like it was down near it was down in the financial center it was like this giant restaurant that you needed like i saw craigslist that is like

seven years high high restaurant experience i made up my resume i'd never served a table in my life and the first week love it first week because it's like how fucking hard is it waiting for the table I'm not saying it doesn't take some skill but it's like you don't have to have a lot of experience

to understand it's not like a science job as a doctor take a drink order take a food order see if everything's good that's it

you know like what are we doing you know for sure so I yeah it was like the first week on the job

and I had like a very it was like a large outdoor section that I was trying to maintain. And then I would remember being, I was like in the weeds for the first time ever. And somebody was like, you have a VIP in your section. And I thought it was the owner and I was freaking out. And then I walked over and it was like Leonardo DiCaprio, his mother, and like one, you know, one of the thousand women he was banging that week. And he had like a hat on and hat on and his collar all the way up and sunglasses and everything. And he was

the coolest guy. And his voice, instantly, it was like audio velvet. You know? Anything that he ordered, I think he just ordered soup and just chilled out with his mom for a while. And he was so nice. And I had just watched, I think, Body of Lies or something the night before. Great one. Very underrated.

If you tell most people that Russell Crowe and Leonardo DiCaprio are in a movie, they're like, what are you talking about? I know. I never night before. Very underrated. Yeah. If you tell most people that Russell Crowe and Leonardo DiCaprio are in a movie, they're like, what are you talking about? I know, I never saw it.

It's a great movie. It's crazy that that was not a bigger movie than it was. And it was just one of the, I think one point I like slipped in was just like,

hey, big fan. I think that's okay. I loved Body of Lies, like whatever. Yeah, and he was so nice. Do you remember

what he ordered? He ordered, he ordered, what's this? He ordered soup, like the Mexican chicken soup with the tortillas in it. I know exactly what you mean, but I can't think of the name of it. Tortilla soup is what it's called. Jesus fucking Christ.

He ordered tortilla soup. And like something else, but he was so cool, he tipped over 50%, and uh he had like a he had a different credit card which was hilarious to me he was using like a credit card under a different name than his own you know it was like some like berkenstein thing or something it might have just been like a you know one of those you think it's like a like a manager like someone in his team like a fake like he has he has aliases i yeah i don't i guess either

or is what it could have been but it was really funny to be like you know because i guess here you are you should have called the police yeah i know this is leonardo dicaprio but i i do think that that would be weird if you're like here's my credit card and it's like an a black amex that says leonardo dicaprio on here's my credit card, and it's like a black Amex that says Leonardo DiCaprio on it. That's almost weirder to have a kind of a thing. I bet you people would – yeah, I feel like people would take a picture. You know what I mean? That might just be another thing.

That's like a rich person thing that we've never even considered, that it's a problem for me to even have my name on a credit card. A hundred percent. Yeah, you've got to have aliases, especially when you check into hotels and stuff. Oh, my God. You're right. People just steal your – They don't know how much money I have.

It's not worth trying to steal my credit card number. You know how much – Like, this card is good for you. I'll go buy a fucking car. Absolutely. That's crazy. I was in – I always thought about that.

It's like the amount that we give out our credit cards to just like anybody now. Like, you know, the guy at the Chinese food restaurant has my expiration date and my security card and all that shit. I don't like when you have to give it over the phone either. That's a weird thing. But I do. They're always like,

we will never ask you for that. But then the places that do, I'm like, here you go. Yeah, just take it. What am I gonna, I got protection for all I guess. But I was doing, I just had flown to LA,

like this is 2019 or whatever, flew to LA on an early like morning flight. I was so exhausted. I couldn't even check into my hotel. So I went to LA, like this is 2019 or whatever, flew to LA on an early like morning flight. I was so exhausted. I couldn't even check into my hotel. So I went to that Beverly Hills hotel, you know, like that famous. So I was like, I'm going to get brunch there. Tim Dillon told me, go eat there. It's great or whatever. So I go down and it's a tiny place. It's like the size of this room. And I'm sitting at this like little coffee counter bar and I'm sitting there and there's two chairs to the right of me and then a wall and that's it. And both of them are empty. And I'm sitting at this like little coffee counter bar. And I'm sitting there. And there's two chairs to the right of me and then a wall. And that's it.

And both of them are empty. And I order something and I sit down. And then the hottest woman I've ever seen in my entire life walks and sits two seats next to me. And I'm sitting there. I'm like texting with my wife. And I'm going, there is like a full-blown supermodel next to me. I don't know who this is. And she's like, send me a picture.

So I do kind of one of these things. I send it to her. And she goes, Mike, you fucking idiot. That's Hayley Baldwin. That's sitting next to you. And I go, is it? And then a minute later,

Bieber walks in and sits next to me. And they're just eating, like they're eating brunch next to me. And it's so wild just to see them like existing in public because the tension in that, everyone's looking like and no one's trying

to look because it's LA so everyone's trying to be like we see celebrities all the time but every single person is like

how is he eating what is he eating what are they doing that's the part of life I can't handle man everything you just described I don't know if there's enough money

in the world no it's one of my favorite Neil Brennan jokes where he's talking about in three mics he's talking about how people come up to him like oh I don't know if there's enough money in the world. No. It's not worth it. It's one of my favorite Neil Brennan jokes where he's talking about, in three mics, he's talking about how people come up to him like, oh, I don't get starstruck. And he's like, no, everyone gets starstruck. Celebrities get starstruck.

You might act normal, but it's like driving with your hand on 10 and 12 when you see a cop. You're acting like someone who knows how to drive. Yes. You're acting like someone who's being normal around Justin Bieber. I acted like I run into them once a week. You start to do things that you would never do. Yeah, we made eye contact a few times.

Like, hey, how's it going? Like, you know. I think I said, like, love your music. It's like, it's one of those things where even when you see somebody you hate, that if they're a celebrity, when you see them in public, it takes a very specific person to be like, fuck you. I don't like you. Like that guy at Jack's.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of, like, somebody who don't like yeah like that guy at jack's yeah i'm trying to think of like somebody who i really hate like a celebrity where i'm like i don't know that you would actually say that i would actually also you got it's gonna be like a bad person because i think in public in person you're like i don't like that guy's fucking body of work i don't like care you know what i mean about yes enough to be be like, fuck you, man. Yeah, I feel indifferent about Robert Downey Jr. I feel like he's a real fine guy, you know? I love Robert Downey. I love him so much that it makes me not like him.

And say, first of all, I like that. Second of all, I would love you to go up to me like, you know, Robert, I just am indifferent about you. I'd tell you, big fan. I'd say, hey, Bob, your body of work, it's okay. Listen, you're a good actor. Iron Man, I get it. I really like the judge.

I thought the judge was great. See, that's also the thing about Robert Downey Jr. It's really just Iron Man. Like, Iron Man saved his life, and that's really. Yeah, I'm just kind of sick of this whole, like, but he used to be, like, a bad guy. And you're like, so what does that make him now? A hero?

If anything, it kind of is less of a piece of shit. It's like someone who's lost a bunch of weight and, like, where's my fucking pride? I just didn't get fat. I didn't have to lose 400 pounds. I'm not anti-Downey. I just, if I see Robert Downey Jr. in a movie, I'm not like, it's not like seeing, like,

when you see Philip Seymour Hoffman's in a movie or something where you're like, fuck, I got to see that. I get that. And I actually used to like Robert Downey Jr. more. Some celebrities, you like them more when you do see their personalities. I saw his Letterman, the new Letterman, whatever it's called. My next guest needs no introduction or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't very impressed with that.

I'm not impressed with any of those interviews. Most overrated shit in the world. The David Letterman interview series, so overrated. I tend to agree with you. I thought the Kanye one was good. It's all the superstars, and they're just like, so you're always going to be mildly interested, even if it's a bad interview.

Sure. And he doesn't, in my opinion, ask anything that's amazing. The Kanye one was only interesting because it's David Letterman talking to Kanye. The Kanye one was interesting because David Letterman got hot in the middle of the interview. When he put on all the Yeezy clothes, I was like, oh, fuck. Letterman's kind of stunned out here. That's why I like that one. Letterman deserves all the credit in the world for putting together the body of work that he had that allows

him to get the greatest guests on the planet. That's it though. You could sit down and do an interview with fucking Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Dave Chappelle, Jay-Z, Barack Obama, Robert Downey Jr. It would just be interesting enough because those people... Of course. But you just have to

get to a point where they will grant you an appearance. You are able to sit down with these people. That course. But you just have to get to a point where they will grant you an appearance. You are able to sit down with these people. That's your skill. Is there any celebrity that you guys are like, everybody loves them, and I don't know why. And everything I've seen them in has been good, but I just don't care for them.

How long you got, brother? There's so many that I can't think of any. You know what I mean? It's almost like, yeah, everybody. I have one that people get very mad at. And again, it's like, I like a lot of the individual stuff he does, but he annoys me for some reason. And it's Andy Samberg.

I like him. Lonely Island stuff, you're like, great. Very funny. He's very talented. And then they're like, have you ever watched Hot Rod? You've got to watch Hot Rod. And I'm like, I see his face, and I'm like, I can't do it. I would have 100% agreed with you until Palm Springs.

Yes. I didn't see Palm Springs. Again, it's another one. Everyone's like, you got to see Palm Springs. I love Palm Springs. I'm 100% on here. It's awesome. Stick to your guns.

It's awesome. It is an awesome movie. You are missing out on something in your life that is a cool piece of work of art, and you should stick to your guns and not do it. You guys, why? Because fuck them. Yeah, yeah. And he's never done anything wrong.

It's just like he just has the goofy. There's something intrinsically punchable about his face to me that I'm like, no matter how many times you make me laugh, I'm not going to be an ally. They say Brooklyn Nine-Nine is like the greatest show. Brooklyn Nine-Nine. I've tried Brooklyn Nine-Nine a hundred times. And people are like, you know, when that got canceled or whatever, they had like rallies for it.

And I was like, this is like an ABC sitcom. How good can it fucking be? Yeah, I don't like a lot of goofy and he's the king of goofy that kind of stuff is not if it's not Adam Sandler doing a goofy voice then I'm out. That's maybe what it is he's doing an Adam Sandler impression

but he's also part of one of my more like inspirational stories that I hearken back to. What's his story? His audition for snl he was going up in an elevator with bill hater and sandberg had a bunch of props hater had none years later after they both got the job they realized that they admitted to each other that hater was in the elevator thinking oh my god i don't need props i'm so fucking fucked right now

sandberg was in the elevator going oh my god he doesn't even need fucking props i'm fucking fucking and they're like as they're telling the story they're like just be you and you will work which is cool like oh that's a nice story but i would also say objectively it's cooler to be the guy who doesn't have props and shit yeah yeah yeah i think so yeah i think bill hater's like fucking prep guy i guess we'll do this story again i think Maybe one idiot like Feidelberg will appreciate it. Just so we're all clear, I'm going to go do Barry. Yeah, exactly. Sandberg lost me too.

He did a roast. Do you guys remember that? He did a roast where he was intentionally not funny. That I hate so much. I hate that. I hate intentionally not funny. I hate horror movies that are like, it's intentionally so much. I hate that. I hate intentionally not funny. I hate horror movies that are like, it's intentionally campy. It's campy.

I hate camp. I watch Malignant. Have you seen that? I haven't. This year. I thought it's over the top. Yes. And so guess what? That means it fucking sucks. All that means to me is that it's not original. They're like, no, you don't understand. It's supposed to be bad and it's on purpose. So you're basically telling me the writers could have wrote something

original but chose to not do that? And malignantly also doesn't. I don't even know what campy is. People just use campy. I don't know what it means. I googled it. It's like it's intentionally bad. Like purposeful tropes.

All right. Never mind. I'm in on campy. You're in on campy? Just so I can use it as a safety net. Yeah, that's the thing. I was being campy. Yeah.

I mean, but that's what you can do for anything that's bad, which is so frustrating to me. It's absurdly exaggerated, artificial, or affected in usually a humorous way, and it's mostly in horror movies. There was one that I read that was, like, intentionally bad, though. But usually campy, especially in horror, is intentionally bad. I thought campy kind of meant something gay. That, too, though. I'm trying to find. Oh, camp something gay. That too, though. I'm trying to find. Oh, camp is gay.

Campy is different. Camp's a gay term? Yeah. It's like, I don't even know how to describe it. Use it in a sentence. I don't say it. All right, Zach is failing to describe. Camp is an aesthetic in which something has appeal because of its bad taste or ironic value.

It was used in it appeared in 1909. It was used to refer to ostentation, exaggerated, affected, theatrical, effeminate or homosexual behavior. That was basically the F word before. But I do think those are kind of overlapping because it's like it's theatrical and flamboyant. So that's that's Cam. Yeah. Oh, that's Cam. But I do think those are kind of overlapping because it's, like, it's theatrical and flamboyant. So that's gay. But, like, Malignant was, like, this movie that started out, like, dark. And I was kind of like, okay, where are we going with this haunted person, haunted house? And then at one point, spoiler alert, don't care, it's a bad movie, she like spins around and a fucking baby alien's like in the back of her head.

Like the whole movie she's kind of like, oh, and you think it's like a scar, and you're like, I wonder, like, did she get the scar from like her parents? And eventually like this thing jumps out with like little hands. You know those punching nuns? Yeah, yeah. It's one of those things. And this nun. What is it punching? It fucks up everybody. Like it's like of those and then and this nun what is it punching it it fucks up everybody like it's like throwing people around the room and i'm like ultra like

super strength i was like this movie sucks like a horror movie that made me stop and laugh in a bad way it's that's not camp that sucks so what about like so the new like jason movies i've only seen a few of them are those camp i don't i don't think that's over they're not horror i think that they are hard but they're not scary i think that's over. They're not horror. I think they are horror, but they're not scary. I think that's like the newer ones. At least almost. Yeah. They're making fun of ourselves.

Yeah. It's a point. They're so far removed from like the original. That is Halloween. Fast and the Furious of horror movies. Yes. Yes. Right.

No, that's what it is. Fast and the Furious is making fun of themselves for being so over the top. No. That's what Jason is over the top. On purpose, yeah. Yeah, but it's not making... Okay, I guess you're right. I thought you were going to say bad.

I'm absolutely right. But they're in on the joke. Not making fun of themselves, but in on the joke. That's what Jason's doing too. We know it's preposterous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, because I... Remember when they were just trying to steal VCRs or whatever it was in the first Fast and the Furious?

It's gotten much better. Now we're going to space yeah now they're like jumping canyons and like you know helicopters I'm a humongous

Fast and Furious fan here that jacket you guys fire by the way did they send you that or what no one of the vintage stores in East Village

gave it to me gave it to you yeah how much did you spend on it that's what they gave it to me how much would you have spent on it oh I had to spend a couple hundred bucks

but how much was it I don't know I could see you assholes I could see that on on I will I would guess that was like 300 400 bucks wow what does it say too fast too fast yeah yep yeah exactly nailed it it is like what like it's like a NASCAR jacket but just for Fast and Furious wow it's really cool. But Andy Samberg is a great one of like I hate that a lot of other people like.

He's done nothing wrong to me and it's like again his Lonely Island stuff I think is pretty great. I think that like you need that in your life. I think you need some gratuitous

unexplainable hate sometimes. Just for no reason. Just I don't like your face and I never will. Yeah. And if people didn't like me because of that, I'd be okay with that. Oh, there's a lot of people that I'm sure hate all three of us exactly for that reason. No, no, no.

All three of us have a punchable face for different reasons. Yes, it's so true. Why do you think you're punchable? Before this, it was because I looked like a 14-year-old my whole life. Now it's because I have a mustache. I mean, you know, your facial hair does it all. But here's the thing.

You guys have dumb facial hair. Yeah, people want to punch you. A lot of people want to punch me in the face, and I got nothing. Kevin's head's skinny. You have a long head. It looks like Beavis' butthead kind of. It's like that long. Yeah.

I look like butthead. See, and I have the opposite. I never realized it until I think Nick's around me. You have a tiny head. It's actually wide. I have a tiny head. He goes, you have the head of a much shorter man. And I was like, you're right.

I look like a piece of paper that got stuck in a printer while it was coming out. Waco profile? And then it was. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, you have a baseball head look, and then it goes. It's an Irish. It's a very Irish head. It's quite big.

Oh, I have a pea head. Like, if I, I mean, I look like Smalls from the movie. Like, when I put on hats, people are astounded how many, like, snaps I need to go. Yeah, wow. It's, I mean, I have, like, a full, you know, like,

inch in the back. Yeah, holy shit. It's, like, almost seven. I think I'm, like, seven and a quarter. But a lot of celebrities have giant, bulbous heads. Yeah.

If you see people who are famous, they have, oh, good. Oh, Baldwin in particular. Baldwin. They're short with big heads. Baldwin's big. Even Tom Cruise,

short with a big head. A lot of, like... Everybody Baldwin's big. Tom Cruise, short with a big head. A lot of like... Everybody's short. There is like a... They've done like science research on this. There are a lot of like, especially male celebrities that are like short, big heads. Really? Is that like a primal thing?

I don't know. Because short always surprised me. It's very surprising to me that like all of our society's alpha males are short. Everybody in entertainment entertainment even fucking that the meme that went viral a couple weeks ago that uh joe rogan looks up to jojo siwa when he talks yeah and then i went i did on my podcast i did a bit like i did yeah leonardo dicaprio big head yeah but the amount of guys i was like you know jojo siwa is taller than eminem yes like eminem walks in the room and he's like what's up girl yeah yeah dmx rest his soul uh like big fucking rappers who you think are like

badass like nope fucking genghis khan was a tiny little guy that would make sense but the does it though i think so back in the day i understand it but he but back in the day when what mattered was just like brute fucking strength and he killed like three quarters of the world. Like not one group of bigger guys like let's just kill

this five foot one guy. I feel like Hitler was short. Hitler definitely was short. No he was 5'9". I looked it up for Jojo. But Stalin was short.

I'm kind of worried how... 5'9". And it's a very acceptable height. Stalin was short. Mussolini acceptable height. Stalin was short. Mussolini was short. Napoleon, short.

Obviously, yeah. But also, I think in modern days, it's entertainment that's short. But I believe if you look at CEOs and presidents, they're all 6'3". It's all, yeah. Men with hair who are 6'3", get voted into every position. Every taller political presidential opponent is one every single time forever Every single taller person is one

I didn't know it was that I knew everyone was 6 something That's something that I'm 70% sure of and then you guys made me just question myself Now I'm going to double down and say I'm 100% sure I'm 100% sure. Even back when

nobody could see, really, because that's how the fat guys got elected and shit. Because back in the day there was no TV, barely any newspaper,

way back. They just had to have a tall sounding voice. Yeah, because then I'm pretty sure when, who's the fat guy who died in the tub? Taft, I think,

won and then got to the White House and then people saw him and they were like, whoa! Yeah. Whoa, we elected a fat fuck. This guy can't even control his cholesterol, let alone the country. It's weird, man. Schwarzenegger's short.

Schwarzenegger's short? He's five. Not short-short, though. He's like high-five. I'm 6'2", so anybody under six foot is short. Yeah, for sure. Anyone shorter than me is short. You're blessed. You've got that good... You're 6'2", so anybody under 6' is short. Yeah, for sure. Anyone shorter than me is short. You're blessed.

You've got that good – you're 6'2", also, right? No, I'm like 6'1". But you've also got a taller – you carry yourself taller. Do I? Yeah. Yeah, I just feel like – You do. I was surprised you were 6'2".

I would have said 6'4", something like that. Yeah. Yeah, the hair adds some more – That's some volume there. But, I mean, it's just – you know, there's tall, but then there's like, I don't know, maybe you're lanky or some shit. I don't know. You got longer body parts. The long arms of the wall over here.

But that's, I mean, 6'2", to me, I actually think maybe 6'3". Because there's not many 6'3 people. You ever notice that? Yeah. There's a lot of... 6'4", 6'2". Yeah. There's not one 6'3 person.

And if I could say you should tell me what you're six three yeah because again you carry yourself yeah i believe it and it's a very remember it's very memorable yeah because again he's six three yeah because i know and then i have friends that all jump to like six five i have like tall friends and then i just have like you know regular i have short friends and then like the people are like six feet. But I think when you can say six two and up, I think that makes people – It's a weird – Because you know what happened? Everyone started lying about being six.

So now six and six one sounds regular. You're 5'10". I know you're 5'10". We're standing next to each other. You know what? I have a theory that people almost in their brains sometimes think that, like, there's 10 inches in a foot. Like, 5'10".

You don't realize that, like, there's two full fucking inches to go until 6 feet. You know what I mean? I think there's something that, like, mentally happens there where you think you can just say you're 6 feet. It's like, you're absolutely fucking not. You would never jump from, like, 5'6 to 5'8". That'd be like, no way, dude. But 5'10", 6 feet, it's like, no, no, no.

There's two more inches to go. You can't be – can you be 5 – if you're 5'12", you're8, I'd be like, no way, dude. But 5'10, 6 feet, it's like, no, no, no. There's two more inches to go. You can't be, can you be 5, if you're 5'12, you're 6 foot. Right. Yes. Yeah. So, yeah, you get that extra inch. You might want to walk around saying you're 5'14. Just throw people the fuck off.

You know what I think is weird, too? My head would explode. If someone was to answer that, I would have no idea what to do. Yeah, I would stop talking to them pretty right away. How about over the UK where they do it in meters, right? So everyone's like 1.8 meters tall. Or they'll go like 73 centimeters. Stone?

How much stone? 24 stone? Yeah, I don't know. I get it back in the day. What is stone? We looked it up recently, actually. But it's low. I want to say it's 20-some-odd pounds.

Yeah, we'd be like 15 to 20 stones. Okay. But, you know, back in the day, I could understand whether you live in like – well, we have this big boulder that we know how much this weighs. How many of these are you? But, like, there's a system now. There's devices that do this for you. We only had one rock.

They had to measure everybody off of it. And it makes it hard, especially the meters thing. Everyone's going to fall in the one to two meter range. So it's all going to, you know what I mean? It's not going to be anybody who's above that. You're going to be a freak if you're three meters tall. So everything's got to be broken. It's a whole fucking thing.

I'm relatively short in my family, too. Really? Wow. My uncle was 6'11". My cousin was 6'10". My other uncle was 6'6". You're not relatively short in my family, too. Really? My uncle was 6'11". My cousin's 6'10". My other uncle's 6'6". I think he is. My dad's 6 foot.

So I'm taller than him. He's like the runt. I mean, those people are cursed. Yeah. Unless you're about to tell me they played festival. When I was a kid, all I wanted to be was 6'10". I was like, that when they when I was a kid all I wanted to be was like 610 I was like that would be fucking awesome and then I like see how for my uncle had like a ton of health problems at 6 at 6 11 but my other cousin who's who's like in his 30s he's just it's just already

back knees and I'm like I'm so happy I'm not any taller unless you make it 30s yeah unless you're a professional athlete yeah seriously unless you are a professional athlete or I don't know if you can make it in like – if you have like an illustrious movie career being like the huge guy every time. You're like, we need a giant in this movie. Here you go. But I had a friend, my friend who was 6'5", I mentioned earlier. He grew 10 inches his junior year of high school.

So he's like – he played soccer his whole life. Yeah. Because he was like 5 he played soccer his whole life. Yeah. Cause he was like, you know, five, like 10 ish or no, I guess he was, it was, it wasn't 10 inches, but it was like several inches. He was like five, eight, five, nine, whatever. So he played soccer and did like, you know, average height guys thing throughout most of his like development. And then it was like, so now everyone's like, yo man, like you play ball.

And he's like, I mean, I do, but I've only picked it up like recently because, you know, so he kept yelling at me, passing me basketballs in the hallway. He said he knew it. Cause he got hurt once and they did like x-rays and they were like, bro, your growth plates are like wide open.

You got room to go, but he just didn't, didn't, didn't, didn't, didn't. And it was like, maybe it's not going to happen.

And then it did. And for the, don't get me wrong for the rest of his life. Now he's like six foot five guys. Good looking. Like he's crushing. He's fine. But there was that period of time where it was like maybe it's not gonna happen and then it did and for the don't get me wrong for the rest of his life now he's like six foot five guys good looking like he's crushing he's fine but there was that period of time where it was like everyone expected him to be a six foot five guy and he's like i'm new to this it just happened to me like i don't know how to do this we had some exchange student from like bosnia or something that came to my high school and he had the same thing where he shot up he was like six uh probably close to 6'10 as like a sophomore in high school.

And they just like, he just walked onto the basketball team. And he couldn't dunk. Like that's how uncoordinated and like gangly and lanky he was. He had no abilities because he didn't play his whole life. And they just were like, just stand there and put your hands up. That's why you got to give credit to some of the big guys in the NBA though. I mean, They are remarkable. If you really watch Shaq, his play, his footwork and shit,

it's like you should not be able to do that. Think about how much it hurts to fall if you're them. Big tree fall hard. You're falling from seven feet off the ground. Every time you fall, that hurts. Yeah, that's brutal. To just quickly back up, to make fun of John. Oh, what?

Did you see the picture of you on our promo poster? No. Who made the promo posters that say, like, shit our lawyers say? Oh, Pavs. Did you Photoshop him onto, did you Photoshop John's head onto a different part of his body? No. Because it looks like it. Doesn't that look like you're like...

Oh, that's the picture where I'm in midair. Oh, okay. Yeah. You see this thing? If you see my full body, I'm like... I'm jumping and intentionally not making a face. It makes a lot more sense when you see his legs. Yeah.

Doesn't that look like he took your body and your face, but from separate pictures and Photoshopped them on? Yeah. Doesn't that look like he took your body and your face, but from separate pictures and photoshopped them on? Yeah. It looks like he was like. But it's because he, like, jumped, so his shoulders are up. Oh, you look so different. But somebody goes. Yeah, someone said recently, I think Chav said recently,

you've looked like six different people in the last year. Yeah. That's pretty dumb. Some of the comments. Yeah, I think it keeps it spicy. Is Fights about to puke? Fights looks like a bag of nickels. What?

I don't know what that means. I know it ain't good. Fights looks like he's holding one in. It is. It's just like a... I'm just doing this. I'm just going... Try jumping without any

expression on your face it's quite difficult fights is just Chris D comedy without the cocaine and more depression well one of those two is correct yeah that bag of nickels again I don't know what that means but I love a bag of nickels I'll be using that

do you do like headshots and all that shit? You guys, I think all the comics have, like, some pictures that you use. It used to be a thing that you had to use, and now it's like, you know, it's like what happens now is a lot of, like, shows will have photographers at them, so they'll be, like, after the show, like, oh, come outside, we'll take, like, a portrait, you know? Yeah, yeah. And then you can just use that as a headshot. But in terms of, like, studio headshots and, like headshots and black and white, all that shit is like –

We have headshot day like twice a year. And every time I'm like, fuck that. That's such a not a Barstool thing. That's not who we are. And then every promo, photo, poster we use, I'm always like, that picture sucks at me. I'm so ugly. But they're headshots. But those are taken on that day.

Well, you guys frown in all your headshots. Because I'm not hungry. But they're headshots. But those are taken on that day. So this is like. Well, you guys frown in all your headshots. Because I'm not happy, Nick. They also tell us to. Anything else would be disingenuous. You guys go on other shows and it's you guys frowning going on that show. And it's like, just smile. What do you mean when I go on other shows? Whenever you guys appear as guests on other shows,

the only things they can find of you guys are your headshots. And it's always you. Because when you look it up because of the website that's the first thing that pops up and it's just like you guys sad well i don't want those pictures anymore i just want regular pictures smile on that shot like i mean i look like like you know i look like a fucking miserable oh yeah yeah you just look like you're... But that's because I remember taking that, and they said, okay, now take one without smiling. And I'm like, that's just not really... I should say, what I should do is do the headshots

how I want to do them, and not listen to the dumb photographer. That's one thing. That's 100% what you should do, because someone told me that. It's like, no, fuck you. I got a lot of shit for that, because I did a headshot.

I did, like, after a show, some portrait shots in the street, and the photographer was like, now he said something like, pretend to be buttoning your jacket or scratch the back of your head. And I'm like, okay, because there's nothing. I can talk on camera, if it's a video camera, all day and be comfortable. As soon as there's someone taking pictures,

and then I'm like, I don't know what to do with my face, so I just listen to them. And then, of course, I'm taking this sexy don't know what to do with my face so I just listen to them and then of course I'm like taking this like sexy j crew looking picture of me and just got dogged for it by every comic I'm like I didn't it wasn't my idea to itch my head and like smolder they're out there you know it's like like someone made a a poster for me and my appearance and they had access to they made it and I'm like fuck it's out there and I can't stop it. Do pouty lips? Yeah. I do like that you do Feeny Cocktail Hour because I think there's very few people who can do like solo

dolo and just let it rip and do you know I mean you're up there for do like an hour long IG live right? Yeah. That's a lot to and you got like people chiming in or comments material but like to just go. Very few people do it. Well now it's like now that's morphed into me doing, I just started a solo, which is off of that exactly,

which I started this solo podcast called Snarky just because people were being like, you're such a little snarky cunt and you're fucking there. So I'm like, snarky. I couldn't use cunt. Lean into it. So now I'm just doing a solo podcast where I have a drink. It's basically the cocktail hour,

except I don't even have the fallback of the live comments which is like the live comments make it easy because then you're just doing like crowd work and you're like oh now that'll give me something to talk about so I ended up just ranting about things and I let people like submit things to rant about and stuff and that's been the first like hour of that I'm like oh fuck I felt like I was going 100 miles an hour I'm like rifling through topics and now it's just like with IG live it It's like, oh, I can sit there, drink the cocktail, enjoy the silence. It is a different muscle. That's tough, though, to be able to like silence is okay. You know what I mean?

It's not, you know. Do you think the word rant has been, I guess, appropriated? Yeah, bastardized. Because I'm a ranter. But I don't I feel like rant And I guess maybe it's just going back to the true definition It's like Detroit going back to the woods

It's like I'm not angry I'm just animated I'm not like I'm not gonna fight I'm not gonna punch things I'm just I'm animated

And I'm trying to be entertaining Once this thing stops I'm gonna go about and live my life And I'll be totally fine. It's like I don't really care about this topic, really. A rant feels like almost like I'm about to commit a hate crime. I think rant. I'm not ranting.

I'm just excitedly discussing something I don't like. Yes. Yeah, you're right. I think also when I'm down on something, I'm much more animated than when I'm excited. Like if I like a movie I'd be like, yeah it's a good movie. Because I don't want to be a loser. Oh my god, it's amazing. It is transformative.

But when it's bad, I'll be like, this fucking thing was a piece of shit. Let me tell you why. 100% because that's like, especially if the general consensus is that it's an incredible movie. That's what I was just saying about the fucking Buzz Lightyear thing. That's what bothered me,

is everyone on Twitter was going, Buzz Lightyear movie, it better be good. Where's Tim Allen? People are freaking out, and I go, hey, 36-year-olds, this ain't for you. Go ask a seven-year-old if they're interested. Yeah, Space Jam. Oh, that movie sucked.

Are you a child? Have you asked one child, and has any, Space Jam. Oh, it'll never – that movie sucked. Are you a child? Right. Have you asked one child? And has any child in America been like, I hated Space Jam 2? No, they're kids, man. They like everything. No child has a hard opinion on anything, right? Yeah, no.

I also feel like – Except your weight. Yeah, they'll tell you about it fast. I feel like our whole career almost is based off of taking things seriously but not. Answer the Internet is perfect where it's like, I want to take this very goofy thing super seriously. Do I want jelly coming out of my eyeballs or whatever? But I actually don't really care. Right. So I can do these podcasts and do these takes.

I'll do one minute, man, and I'm like, fuck this. But if the cameras are off and you were asking me about it, I'd be like, oh, I don't really care. That's why I don't get very political either, where it's like, I'll give you my opinions, but at the end of the day, I'm not going to vote. It's not that I'm lying with my opinion. It's just that it wouldn't get my blood pressure up.

I honestly didn't really like that movie, but it didn't lose sleep over it either. No. It's just like, it's the biggest piece because it's not fucking entertaining to say, eh, it wasn't that good. Yeah. It would be entertaining. That's what our fucking job is. I also feel like when, if I meet someone that in the past I've been, like, down on or criticized

or made fun of, it's like, you or criticized or made fun of it's like you know I don't think it's like two faced to then meet them and be like nice to them where it's like you know I give my opinion on these things but I don't like dislike you as a person because of whatever it was you know what I mean? It's like on sports talk radio when people like you ever hear you listen to sports talk radio

and then you hear the callers call in and they're like you know the Yankees will lose one game and they're like fire Boone get rid of the whole team and you it makes you hear the callers call in and they're like, you know, the Yankees will lose one game and they're like, fire Boone, get rid of the whole team and it makes you want to call up and be like, that guy's a fucking idiot.

What are you talking about? And then you end up getting mad and you're like, but wait, they purposely put that lunatic on the air because that makes

for good radio versus if he was like, hey, it's just one game, we'll get through it. It's like, oh, that's boring. It's so boring. That's why the Sports Talk

radio hosts are always like chicken little, the sky is falling every time the Giants lose a game. They're like, oh, that's boring. That's why the sports talk radio hosts are always like chicken little, the sky is falling. Every time the Giants lose a game, they're like, is this it? Are the Giants ever going to win another game? Well, the Giants may never win another game. The Giants may never win another game. At this point, I hope they don't because we've got a lot of picks coming and we've got to get high picks. I think that, I don't

know. I think the Giants are just done as a franchise. I think the Giants are just going to be like the Jets. Are we doing sports talk radio right now? I I think the Giants are just going to be like the Jets. Are we doing sports talk right now? I think that the Giants are just still living off of their reputation of like the Mara family

and all that shit. The Giant way? Yeah, and the Giant way is just like everyone else. They've had criminals, they've had losers, they've had busts, they don't win.

Hey, Mara kicked over a garbage pail, okay? That was so funny, man. He's pretty upset. That's a picture of that garbage can just nicely put down. Yeah, I picture it being like this little tiny desk. You know? It's so funny, man. He's pretty upset. A picture of that garbage can nicely put down. Yeah, I picture it being like this little tiny desk.

You know? It's not even like the big steel one. There's like a little tiny one. He's like... Some of the tornadoes in the Northeast. Yeah, exactly. And also, the Yankees are just like a pedestrian franchise now. Well, I mean, if we're going to do a Mets-Yankees thing, obviously there's a lot more optimism

for the Yankees. Is there, though? Yeah, I mean, you don't even have, who's running your team? Yeah, but you know what? I'd rather be like having high standards and going for the best and beating it out. But you're missing out on the best. Bob Melvin would have been great. No, we went for like the peak, peak, peak.

They all said no. Yeah, because they were never going to leave their jobs. Whereas you guys are just like, we'll just stick with what's not working. Yeah, I mean, Brian Cashman has arguably the greatest resume of any GM in history, but'll just stick with what's not working. I mean, Brian Cashman has arguably the greatest resume of any GM in history, but no, for sure, it's not working. When has it really worked when it was his team? Yeah, 09 worked, yeah.

Yeah, that was it, though. We're going to get Seager, we're going to get Robbie Ray, and we're going to do this for 20 years, too. Can't wait until Bryce Harper's in pinstripes. I can't wait until Matt Harvey's in pinstripes. I can't wait until pinstripes are built. I would have liked Bryce Harper over Stanton in pinstripes. I can't wait until Matt Harvey's in pinstripes. I can't wait until pinstripes are built. I would have liked Bryce Harper over Stanton in pinstripes. But, I mean, whatever.

And then you got Cole. And then that didn't work either. Well, I mean, who knew that the entire game was going to change in terms of what we're allowed to use in terms of cheating skits. There's a couple of Mets players that had the same issue, by the way. Yeah, and listen, we stink, but so do you. Listen, I'm one of those guys, as long as we get into the dance, that's what I just want.

Get us into the postseason. How far they've fallen. I still consider it a failure. I still consider it a failure. Every team, and that's the thing that bothers me in sports, where they're like, well, we had a great season. If you didn't win the whole thing, it's a failure. You know what I mean?

Not to say that you couldn't enjoy the ride or it couldn't have been a great series or a great team that didn't meet expectations. Even if they win the ALCS, you're like, you didn't, you set out in April to win the World Series. Only one, 29 other teams are going to be a failure every single year. That's it. Right.

But it's not like, it's not like fuck the franchise. I'll never watch again because they didn't win the World Series. Well, when they, when they stuck with Boone, it should be, it should be fuck the franchise. What else are they going to do? Nobody else is going to be. Get a different manager. But any other manager they get is going to be analytical like Boone. They're not putting Buck Showalter in there.

No, no. I agree with that. But also sometimes you just have to do these things. But they all love them. The clubhouse loves them. The players, you know, they said they like them. Well, that's good. You guys at least, you're all friends, you know.

Yeah. Well, maybe you'll get a manager and then, you know, you'll be on your way to being a ball club. Yeah. You got Francisco Lindor is going to get Javi Baez paid, even though the Mets fans hate him and no no no Baez came right back around it was they hated him and then until they were like oh wait a minute he's by far the best player on our team right I can't believe people didn't like I the the um the thumbs down I if I as a fan oh I loved it but yeah I know the the amount of uh like like dad sitting at home being like, I'm never going to spend my money on this again,

this disrespectful asshole. I thought that was so funny. Yeah, I would rather have a team be like, fuck you guys. You know what I mean? Because Mets fans were assholes this year. Mets fans were fucking assholes this year. They're all like fucking Frank the Tank. I got to the point this year where I was like,

I don't even know if I want to win because it would satisfy these fucking assholes. So who are you rooting for in the World Series? Right now? Yeah, because I had the Red Sox-Astros dilemma. I can't believe the World Series is even happening right now. It feels like it's like – Like the ratings are so bad. You see that SportsCenter hasn't posted about it on Twitter in like 20 days or something like that.

They haven't posted – not 20 days because I was only being on – what was the – RDD wrote it. Let me find it real quick. But like the – I mean it just feels like this is the most – It is wild how much we accept because like if it was – on news channels and like I get sports are not as important as the news. Sure. But on news channels, it's like you got to have at least some kind of attention paid to the news. Sure. But on news channels, it's like, you know, you gotta have at least some kind of attention paid to the everything that happens.

And on SportsCenter Instagram has not, over the week, they have not posted about the World Series. As the World Series is going on, the Instagram has not

talked about it once. Yeah, I mean, for some reason, it's like, I don't, I mean, also, it's like, once the Yankees get eliminated, I need, like,

some time away. You know what I mean? Before, especially then, it was Red Sox-Astros. So I'm like there's two teams I couldn't – I was hoping the stadium collapsed rather than a fucking team. I've been doing – I've done a lot of stadium collapse rooting in my life. Yeah. Well, are you doing that now?

I am actually indifferent. I don't care about the Astros. I actually kind of like the fact that they're like – they're villains and they're doing very well. We're like, okay, we stopped cheating and we're still fucking good. They are. They're fucking good and I hate it. And I will be very happy if the Braves lose and, like, collapse, basically. Yeah, you've got to root for the Astros.

I also, yeah, but I also have this indifference of my Robert Downey Jr. indifference. I kind of have this warped idea that if they win one, they would maybe be less prone to go all out in the future. Yes. So, like, in the coming years if they have to face like a luxury tax issue and they're like well we just gave our fans one like we're not going to do it. Whereas like if they come close and they fall they're going to

go get somebody in this offseason that's like fucking incredible. The fact that they are in the World Series after losing arguably the best player in the sport is like insane. Right. So think about that. If they now get like if they blow a 3-1 lead, they're going to be like, fuck. And they're going to go get whoever.

They might swoop in and get Seager or something. And then you get a Kureya or something. So you're getting like two free agents. And then they're like, now it's definitely the Braves division. So part of me is like, maybe just let them win. Not that they would be like, we give up. We won a World Series. But you're naturally not going to be as aggressive as if you just won one.

The Mets and Yankees have the same problem because they're both in really good divisions with a lot of young and good teams. It sucks. We could either be the best or the fourth place team. It's like both of them. The AL East this year was the first division, I think, since baseball went to three divisions per league, that had four 91 teams.

That's crazy. Four to five 91s is nuts. How about the San Francisco Giants and the Dodgers? Over 100 wins and then losing the series being over on a fucking 10. The worst check swing call. What a brutal, brutal, stupid game. I love the fucking Dodgers fans now. We're like, well, like, so stupid. We didn't even have home field advantage.

It's like, that's not enough of a fucking. No. You should have just beat the 88 win Braves. Yes. You know, like, we didn't have home field advantage when we won. We had 17 games better than them. It's like, that doesn't matter. You should be able to beat them playing on the fucking moon.

They don't have Ronald Acuna. How did you lose? And the other guy broke. Morton broke his leg. Right. Yeah. If you're going to fucking broken leg, broke his leg. He broke his leg. He broke his leg striking out Al Tuve. It was pretty awesome.

Alright, enough sports talk. Let's go to ATI. What'd you say? Got time for ATI? Yeah, let's go do it, pal. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.