KFC Radio - Jackie Followed A Massive Trail of Blood Ft. Jeremiah Watkins and Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: May 24, 2022

- Philly Live Show and afterparty recap - we met a girl who tells us one of the most shocking sex stories we've heard - our take on Mean Girl Pod's advice to steal from a guy you're hooking up with - Jackie found a trail of blood and followed it to its source - Dark Guardian and old KFC blog throwbacks - Top 5 music videos - Video Voicemails - Sneaking into VIP - if animals and bugs took over - KFC and Feits sex dream - Interview with Jeremiah Watkins Later joined by Ari Shaffir ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - GF who eats Philly Fan BF's Ass 18:31 - Mean Girl Pod stealing from a guy 32:30 - Jackie Follows a Trail of Blood 43:15 - Dark Guardian throwback 48:02 - Top 5 Music Videos 1:18:47 - Video Voicemails 1:47:04 - Jeremiah Watkins and Ari Shaffir Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Betterhelp: Go to https://barstool.link/BHKFC for 10% off your first monthYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I go and I sit down on the stoop, and I like look up, and then I see like a puddle of blood, and I was like, oh, okay, it was blood. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

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I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm Like the baseball team? Yeah. I don't know the baseball team. I ran around. The girl. The Phillies.

Eating ass? Nothing? Oh, you got a drinking problem. What is going on? Do you have a brain? Huh? Do you have a brain? I don't.

Do you have a brain? Did you get your brain erased? Is this men in black? Are you, like, did you get your... The Philadelphia Phillies. Like, you're saying, like, did you get your... The Philadelphia Phillies. Like, you're saying, like, the team. The team. The Phillies.

The girl. And eating ass. When you tell me, when you stop yelling at me and just tell me, I'm going to remember. I basically told you the whole story. The girl. With a boyfriend. How about that? Yeah!

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I was like, if you don't get this oh my god actually dude i wish i just kept picturing like like like phillies themselves i was like i was like when the fuck were we with the phillies it's another edition of kfc radio on the barstool sports network we're here obviously recapping uh our weekend in philly meeting some people who 100% lived up to the stereotype slash hype. Philly as a whole lived up to it. So much so. In the best ways,

in the worst ways, in all ways. I think we say it every show, that was our best show. It was the best crowd we've had, probably. And it was weird because it was our first show that didn't sell out and it was like, I think that was almost like a growing moment. We were like, okay, yeah, except sometimes they're not gonna sell out. Yeah. I mean, I was complaining openly

about it all week, obviously, and kind of poking fun at Philly. What's good about the Fillmore is it's basically two levels so the bottom level had like six or seven hundred people and they just didn't put open the top level so it doesn't look like it was like an empty place. But that place is like a fucking airport hangar.

That was awesome. That was a cool spot. Maybe my favorite venue in Dunn. Although it was so fucked up beforehand because we were in the green room, but you can't hear the crowd from the green room. And I was like, nobody's here. It seemed like a pin drop, dude. It seemed like there was nobody out there.

So then we roll out. But it was so funny. That place is big, too, where, like, when I went out there before, me and Zach went out, But it was so funny. That place is big too where like when I went out there before me and Zach went out and it was fucking, it looked empty because there's so many bars in the front. Everybody's there. Everyone was there. I walked to the front. I was like, oh, thank God.

Did you guys have, was there any moments behind the scenes of you guys being like, this is not good? Yeah. About 15 minutes before we went on. Jackie, did you? I never, I hung back so I didn't see it, but Paz and Zach were kind of freaking out at one point. You were nervous, went on. Yeah. Jackie, did you? I never. I hung back, so I didn't see it. But Paz and Zach were kind of freaking out at one point. You were nervous, Paz? Yeah.

I was a little nervous because I went out there to go catch some B-roll for the vlog, and I was like, there was just two people up front. What time was that? That was about 15 minutes before the show. And then I took a look at the back, and it was like, thank God. It was packed. That's funny. Well, you guys did a good job of hiding that from us then yeah i didn't feel any sort of nerves i i walked around the like the

venue when it was empty but it was still like probably an hour to go or so so i was like whatever it's just not filled up yet but um but i did like in talking to some of the crowd afterwards they were like i fucking i wanted philly to show out we wanted to be one of those cities that like sold out immediately like, what can you do? It didn't happen. But the crowd was good. And the crowd and the city and the people, like, you know, every city has a reputation. And, like, I feel like when you come to New York, you don't run into some guy being like, hey, I'm walking here. And if you go to, like, L.A., like, I'm sure you do see a bunch of, like, TikTokers and influencers.

But, you know is it as dramatic as people make it out to be i don't know maybe maybe not philly just god love you dirtballs they're just the like we walk into the venue at the fillmore and um there was a ticket window and i stop and i say like right away i was like oh i'm just we're you know we're we're the performers tonight and she was kind of like okay and i was like well i just didn't want us you know it was we were like very early it's like i just didn't want you to think we were random people like walking in and she was like great story bro okay i'm gonna go now we walk about like 10 more feet and we walk through another set of doors and this time like more of a security guard stopped us right and he was like

whoa whoa he was really a dick. He was kind of like, what the fuck are you doing? And I think you this time were like, we're on stage tonight. And he was like, oh, yeah? We're like, do you know where you're going? And I was like, no, we don't. Maybe you can help us out. That's when he sends us, like, all the way around the back.

We walk in there. And then there was a security guard sitting in front of, like, a metal detector who was just like, I don't know. He was, like, sitting. He had, like, a broken foot who was just like, I don't know. He was like sitting. He had like a broken foot or something. Oh, did he? Okay. So maybe he had crutches. Okay.

So that's why he was extra like not moving or doing anything. And he was kind of just like, yeah, whatever, man. But then like the people who like actually run the venue were very nice. But it was funny. Like the first like three people we ran into were just kind of like, fuck yous. And then so that happens. And then the crowd again lives up to the hype last time we were in philly you poke any fun about snowballs at santa

or batteries at uh at uh bryce uh drew what's his name not gonna remember that he used to play on the red sox too though jd drew yes jd drew um you know all that stuff like the like the easy low-hanging fruit that is, it's hacky, but it's just like, yeah, it's like when people say that New York is dirty and expensive and shit. It's like, yeah, this is the way it goes. They would like viciously boo. That was last time. This time around, obviously, I don't make like some of the same mistakes, but just like mentioning the word Rangers, saying like anything. I mean, right away, fuck Boston, fuck New York. It's like, boy, you guys really do do this, huh?

There was that one guy the entire time just kept going, fuck the Mets. Yeah, yeah. Fuck the Mets. And it's like, all right, man. Like, what? He doesn't play for the team. But I like that. You know, that's what I said with Tommy and Chris on stage.

We had the guys from Stuff Island, Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor, because they're local Philly guys. It's like, be the scumbags. Be the rough and tough. We don't fucking like you, and we're going to show it to you. Because when you try to be like, no, no, no, we're actually really nice. It's like, well, now you just have trash accents, and you're scumbag people, and you're not even good.

I like the people of Philly. I feel like they're getting a bad rep right now. I like them when they are who they are. You have to, I mean. They very much were who they were. That's for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

But that's why I was so mad when they teared that one guy after he talked shit about them and when they try to deny it. Just, you know? It's like when people are like, New York is a disgusting cesspool of homeless people pissing. And I'm like, yeah. You know? That's a fact, bro. It's nice here.

I like it here. It's a bunch of homeless people pissing wherever you want. But I like it. So then we go to the after party. And that was, first of all, if you are in Philly, Barstool sansom sans i can't say it because i want to say samson every time sansom sansom street uh barstool sansom is it's like handsome but like you're so handsome uh is a very legit bar yeah that was one of the

most i didn't know what to expect going into it i i i will even say i will say that I maybe didn't want to go. Yes. The other guys were like, should we go to the Barstool Bar? And we were like, eh, let's go find a local spot. Is it lame to go to the Barstool Bar? If you work for Barstool Bar? I don't fucking know. It's like, do you wear the shirt of the band you're going to see sort of thing.

I was super hesitant. I was like, let's go to a local spot that people in Philly go to. Guess what? That's the spot that people go to. I guess it's in a good part of the neighborhood, and it's very big. This sounds like a plug for it. I was told to do it, but it was – you know me. I'm not trying to be in the bar very often.

This was like – I think Shane went back the next night. Yeah. I mean, Zaha and Troops and Expressions were there the next day for soccer, or on Sunday, rather. Oh, like Shane went back without us? Yeah. He just had another Instagram story.

I was like, is that? I was checking the time. I was like, no, we were there two days ago. He had a new Patagonia shirt on. Another Patagonia, but back at the bar. Yeah, I mean, it is a very cool spot. And I would say, like, if you're from Philly, go. But it sounds like you already know.

Like, people are like, this is the bar we go to, whether or not we're coming from KFC Radio, whether or not you guys are here. So that was very fun. And we had this VIP section, if you will, just like a roped off velvet ropey little rectangle that had probably one, two, maybe three booths. And I don't know. Do you know how many, how the people got in there? No idea. booths and i don't know do you know how many how the people got in there uh no idea i think that a lot of people who were like kind of like hustlers were just kind of squeezing their way in yeah and being like like jackie said that she just let a couple people in because she was like i don't know what to do like yeah oh anyone who asked you they could come in right so i think like two people

did it to you two people did to her two people too all of a sudden there's like you know 20 people yeah and so we had we ran the gamut we We had like 22-year-old dudes, older girls. We had parents. We had drunks. We had every race, every color, every age, every creed. And they were all so Philly. But there was this crew of what? Maybe like four chicks?

They were the four horsemen of the apocalypse. They were the four horsewomen of the apocalypse in every which way. This one girl, and they all had the accents, and they were all close talkers and loud talkers. And at one point I got this speech from this girl who was like,

I just fucking love Philly, you know, man. Like, I just love it. Like, I lived in Chicago before. The place is too clean. Philly, it has the dirt. I love the dirt. I think she said something Like, I lived in Chicago before. The place is too clean. Philly, it has the dirt. I love the dirt. I think she said something like, I need the filth. And I was like, I feel you, girl.

Like, you and your crew are, like, heavy hitters. And, of course, I look over. Like, 75% of the time, Jackie was in the middle with them. There's a little circle in Jackie's. They loved Jackie. Loved Jackie. They were, like, kicking me to the curb. Jackie, you are bizarrely

Jersey, Long Island. You fit in despite being in California. I was going to say, everybody says that. I know. I get it. You're born and bred West Coast? Yes, California born and bred. I would never think that. Especially right now, she's got a little raspy voice going on.

Because she got in a fight with her mom making the sauce last night. Jackie is from East Iceland, Long Island. I think I see it more of a Jersey than Long Island, but it's basically the same. I could see her being totally like a Bergen County girl. Yeah, you know. I was ripping

cigs when I was 14. You're definitely not like a California girl. No, no, no. You are like, no, no, no, no, no. You are like you keep the fucking razor blade under your tongue. But so, you know, they're talking booze and drugs and Philly and all this shit. And then told one of the best sex stories or like little anecdotes I think I've ever heard. That's a lot.

I mean, I might, I might crown this number one if it's true. And if we're all understanding it, part of me still was like, are we sure we didn't hear this backwards or we're not getting the full picture? This might be the number one in the history of our show.

And I mean, our show is built on that. So think about 10 years and thousands of voicemails of people being like, is it weird that I do this with my dick? it weird that i do that so this girl and the way she told it spread like wildfire everybody i didn't i i unfortunately i didn't get to hear it firsthand but you came over to me and told me and you're like and then i'm out i go to the bathroom and pat was like you hear that girl's like i mean it just it was whack-a-mole it just kept popping up from different holes you you heard it firsthand yes i mean explain i mean it was it

was what we just argued about it wasn't the phillies baseball team in pants but it was just like i honestly don't remember how it came up i'm sure no the phillies weren't even on tv right it was celtics on tvs and then they put the avalanche game on one i don't know how it was too late for the game like there was really no way to do anything with the Phillies. But it was just like, hey, do you think this is weird? And I was like, probably.

I'm probably going to think this is weird, but what do you got? Hit me. And she was like, my boyfriend. I can't deal with fucking Phillies.

I know it's tough. It was pretty good, though. I think it was her boyfriend. I think it was just a guy who she's hooking up with. It was a guy? I thought it was a guy. Even worse. Even worse. Yeah. I think it was her boyfriend. I think it was just a guy who she's hooking up with. It was a guy? I thought it was a guy. Even worse.

Even worse. Yeah. I'm not positive. So you heard it from her separately, too? Yeah, which is, I kind of feel bad. She's just telling everybody. I don't want to air it out. I know, but the thing is, she told us all.

Yeah. I mean, we're airing it. We're not using government names or anything. It's just like, it is what it is. I mean, I hope this isn't a regular thing in Philly. It could be any one of us couples. All of Philadelphia is like Spartacus. I'm the fucking...

It was... When did you hear? So they all told me when they... They were saying that basically... Like, listen to this. It just kind of came up like... Organically? It just comes up?

But basically she was saying one of the girls, the guy who they were hooking up with, I don't even think it was dating. He basically was a diehard Phillies fan. I didn't mean to take it away. No, no, no. Please. Jacked up Philly girl edition.

Diehard Phillies fan. And he obviously is so upset when the Phillies lose, and the only thing that makes him feel better is if she eats his ass. I thought it was he only allows her to when they lose. Yeah, because that made no sense, but maybe that. Maybe it's like she likes to. He doesn't like it. So I first heard this girl only eats this dude's ass when the Philadelphia Phillies lose that night.

I am thinking she likes it. The way she told it was she was like, the way I got it, she was upset that she didn't get to do it that often. That's what I'm reading. More often than not. But, okay, so I'm thinking she's like, I want to eat that ass. He's like, no, no, no, I don't like that. But now I could see him being like, I don't like that because I'm uncomfortable with it. Like, I think you'll hear from Ari Shaffir later in this episode.

He's like, my ass is like a disaster zone. I don't want any girl back there. But then maybe he's so, but he likes it. He just is like, I'm not subjecting anybody to that. But when the Phillies lose, I'm so down. I want a tongue in my ass. I'll let you, but only then. So she, being a local Philly girl, is rooting for the Phills. No, but her problem was she didn't know what to do.

That was her question. Right, right. So she's probably like, I want the Phills to be back in the World Series, but that means I don't get to eat my boyfriend's ass. So do I root for I want the Phillies to be back in the World Series, but that means I don't get to eat my boyfriend's ass. So do I root for or against the Phillies if I only am allowed to eat my boyfriend's ass when they lose? I mean, it's Game 7 of the World Series, and you're kind of hot and bothered.

What are you doing? What do you want? What happens to the playoffs? Also, think about that. Imagine it's Game 7, World Series. That's your last chance for a few months. That's right. You've got to get it in now.

They win tonight. That's it. You've eaten your last ass for a few months. That's right. You've got to get it in now. They win tonight. That's it. You've eaten your last ass for the next six months. It's a hot stretch coming up for the Phillies. This guy's ass is going to be clean. Yeah, man. This is the Braves, the Mets, the Giants,

the Dodgers, the Brewers. Jesus Christ bro your ass is gonna her tongue your ass gonna be making out for the next few weeks

so the way that I interpreted it but I think that your way is probably right is I thought that she like he forced her to every time and then and then she like

was actively rooting against the Phillies being like god fucking damn it like they lost to me it feels more like what it should be is like it's almost like angels in the out, it feels more like what it should be is like

it's almost like Angels in the Outfield. If the Angels win the pennant, my dad's going to come back. This is like, if the Phillies win, he's probably like, babe, eat my ass. She's like, no, ordinarily, in the regular world, outside of Philadelphia. This would be like, I want my girl to eat my ass, to do anal, to do something crazy.

She doesn't like it, but I say, alright, how about only when the Phillies win? We're all excited, the Phillies win, then do I get it? Yes. What's crazy is to have this opposite effect. Because then, I mean, maybe I'm just Maybe I'm misremembering. I don't think I'm misremembering. Maybe what we're doing is projecting.

Because there's a lot of guys out there who don't want this to happen. Because I'd be sitting here going, what do you mean when they lose? Now I'm torn. Now I don't know. Where for him, it's a clear, I want them to win, because I also don't want going, what do you mean when they lose? Now I'm torn. Now I don't know. Where for him, it's a clear, I want them to win because I also don't want my asses being eaten. And then you're subjected to punishment on the night of your sorrow? That's what it is. There aren't ways it lines up, but I'm 99.99%.

For us, it doesn't. It lines up for a lot of dudes who are, let's be honest, being fucking closeted. But if he's sad about the Phillies losing, and then he has to take a punishment as well, that doesn't make sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why it doesn't make sense.

But I'm saying, well, wait. If you actually didn't like your ass being eaten, so you would be sad and also tortured. You know what? Maybe he just thought the Phillies were going to be a wagon this year. Their lineup's fucking nasty. Oh, I see. I see the bet happening earlier. Maybe she made a bet like, you know, let me eat your ass. No,

you can't. Like, how about special occasions? What do you mean? Like Christmas and birthdays? And she's like, no, it's got to be more often than that. And he's probably like, what's going to happen? Like very infrequently. Look at that lineup. That's a big bet with a fucking 164 game season. At the best That's a big bet with a fucking 164-game season. At the best, if the Phillies are a fucking legendary team,

they're getting your ass eaten 50 times this year. You're getting your ass eaten 50 times in the next six to seven months. People pay good money for that. That's a lot. I mean, summer months, too. Yeah. But, I mean, if I got my ass eaten 50 times between now and October, I'd be telling you my sex life is rocking.

Now, the Phillies right now are underachieving. He's already gotten his ass eaten like 24 times, and it's not even fucking Labor Day, Memorial Day. I don't think that was – I'd love to have her call in and maybe use a voice thing because it was – No, no, no. She was not a voice thing. She was ripping sake.

She was like, my boyfriend's an asshole. It was no no it was more not a voice thing she was ripping safe describing it but it was like maybe just because i was drunk and i just wasn't questioning it but like i was like oh yeah yeah yeah that makes sense like i can see the hardship of deciding for against the phillies because you got to do something you like to do it doesn't make sense there is really no way where it makes perfectly clear sense reminds me of the uh our mean girls had a little podcast clip go out there today oh yeah about like like you steal from a guy and that way he's always you always got him under your thumb and i was thinking that i'm gonna do the same thing like i'm gonna i'm gonna steal like we will hang on before wait hang on i am uh not privy to this You steal from him to have him under your thumb?

You steal from him and then when you steal from him you can... Oh, like extort him? Like, if you want this back, I have it? It seems like it's something like that, yeah. I think it was more like to see... make him see you again. You have...

It's like the opposite of the leave behind. Yeah, the leave behind. It's the take yeah the leave behind it's the take it's the takeaway yeah it's okay okay it is while uh while i do understand that in those terms uh i'm going to go out on a limb and say jordan said this from the bing girl pod i was yeah probably not um not alex um if you're talking to a guy and you like them and they're interested in you like take something from them and hold it as collateral so they can never leave. I realize I do that a lot. I'm sorry.

Real quick, and I mean this in a complimentary way towards making internet content because this is how you have to do it. Nobody likes the middle man. Nobody likes people who play both sides. Nobody likes rational takes. But I have noticed this about myself now being nobody likes the middleman nobody likes people who play both sides nobody likes rational takes um but i i've noticed this about myself now being 37 looking back to when i was 24 25 making content

saying things with my fucking chest like i knew what the fuck i was talking about there wasn't even a chuckle that was a genuine piece of advice steal his shit because then he has to see you again like dead ass a real thing what is what is what is the uh excuse me what excuse me what yeah like a $20 bill or like their phone or something like you're a little troll collecting it does explain it i know you can't possibly just mean that Hey, you're holding them hostage? It's a lot of fucktum. It does. Explain it. I know you can't possibly just mean that. He's like a serial killer.

Take something. Do serial killers do? Hey, take something from the person you just met. They know I took it. Wait, explain it. Okay, so I'm upset. Oh, boy. I sound psychotic.

That was crazy. This never happened happened you never sound crazy i really wish i didn't say it but hear me out can't undo it okay you're talking to a guy yeah i mean you know listen that's why i said um like you know i want to hear the rest of that fucking conversation because i gotta hear this explanation and that's how the podcast game works and back when you're 25 if your take is like you know i'm young and i'm inexperienced at this point so i don't really know exactly you know the best way to to get a guy so i'll leave that to the other people to say it's like nope that's fucking boring tell people to steal shit i got you bitch you know i was like i was saying before you didn't run down i was like it's like we should

just not even acknowledge this clip and then i'll be be like, hey, I got this new idea on how to date chicks. And what I've been doing is stealing stuff. So I just take their car keys. And then when they're not looking, I take their consciousness. I drag them in my basement. I take their free will. I put them in a well. And I hit them with a hose.

It is this foolproof way to get women to stay around me. I don't let them leave. It's genius. I just handcuff them to a fucking toilet. It's fine. They can't leave. The best way to make sure that they can't leave. I've been having this problem recently where girls say no to sex.

So what I do.. So what I do. It's what I do. You don't let them say no. I almost want to call in or email or whatever they do anonymously and hit them with the Phillies situation and see what she's got to say about that. Hey, this is how you build a podcast. This is like, I got to find out what this bitch says about that. I don't fucking know what's going to come out of her mouth.

So steal shit. Okay. I mean, it's one of those things where it's almost like she's saying something that's normal, which isn't normal. Like, we like stealing guys' clothes. Right. Okay. Guess what?

I steal a couple pairs of underpants. I'm a pervert. But you can go walk around in my sweatshirts, can't you? But I can't get a nice lace thong. I told you the story about the guy. I think I've said it before. My college buddy who stole the chick's thong. It rings a bell.

He came busting in my room. He was like, this stole my my favorite pair of boxers a couple weeks later he hooks up with her again he like kicks in the door of my dorm room runs in i'm in bed with my girlfriend he's like look what i got holds it out like like a troll with his treasures like my precious it's like i got her fucking thong like you know like two can play at this game we move out of the dorm, like, two weeks later, he moves his bed. The underwear is just, like, down the back of the bed. He's like, you fucking weirdo, man. That poor girl.

But it is a very common thing to be like, I took a sweatshirt. Yeah, I get it. They're comfortable. They're bigger. I also do think in college, at least, there is, I think there are some underwear snipes where it's, like, a fucking, you know, a Dexter, like, trophy, if you will. But the hoodie thing is a real, but also a cliche thing.

Those things fucking cost, ladies. I know, a good hoodie is a fucking lot of money. I wear it every day. It's like a piece of who I am. It's not really something I run into anymore. It definitely has happened. It's funny, now I'm in a phase of my life where I could run into that. I could make do with a couple

less hoodies. Girls, you want to come over? You can take a box with you. I got samples. I've got mislabeled things. I'll give you a Derek Jeter goodie basket that comes with like 13 pieces of clothing. All sizes. Here's a sticker to throw in.

You know what I have in my fucking apartment? I have two things in my apartment that were just like one time advertisers which would fit in perfectly for this episode because there's only one fucking advertisement I have like a metal a stainless steel this thing is cool by the way but I live in a fucking

apartment in the hood it's like a stainless steel open flame stove oh I know solo stove stainless steel open flame stove. Oh, I know. Solo stove. Hopefully one day soon I'll be able to use it somewhere in my backyard, but right now that's just sitting there. And on top of that

is a impenetrable cube for me to mail my cum. Remember that? We had one advertiser one time for, I think, storing your sperm. Not donating it, but freezing it.

And it came with the little hazmat, like the little trio, like triangle hazmat thing. And it had these little jars. Actually, you know what? Maybe I should bring that into work and I'll just freeze my cum. You want to fucking both drop a load in it

and get it tested and see what happens? Kinda. Rock, paper, scissors. Who has to go first, though? Wait, wait, why? We're not going to like... No, it doesn't make sense. You have to look at it. Oh, okay. Yeah, you're right. Cumming on top of your cum would be unfortunate.

We could just close our eyes and cum at the same time. We just wanted to check. What's the deal? What are you, a fucking mutant? Like testing it for what? I wish there was a way to predict if

this is what the baby would look like or something. Just a monster with all our Frankenstein with all of our features together. Oh, heavens. That is a crazy thing, though. I remember all of our features together. Oh, heavens. Just, I don't know. That is a crazy thing, though. I remember getting that and throwing it right in the trash. I'm like, you think I'm going to just melee my cum?

It was also, like, a fucking heavy-duty thing. Yeah, it was real. And I think it was, like, a decent chunk of money to freeze your cum for, like, you basically had to have a cum locker. It's a decent chunk of money to get framed for murder. I know. That's the other thing. Giving you a full load of my cum is insane. Shoot someone in the head and fucking dump your cum on them.

Brother, brother, I know enough crazy girls from our Me Too Too movement that we've been pushing on the live shows. If you've seen us in Philly or Nashville or coming up in Chicago, you'll hear about the Me Too Too movement. I know enough crazy girls that maybe that wasn't a company at all. Maybe those girls just sent you and I a box. There's a reason.

It was just one time on KFC radio. It was a one-off with a box that said mail it here and it suspiciously had an address I've seen before.

Anyway, I don't even know how we got here. I don't know. Just going to complain about advertisers probably. Today's episode is brought to you by

BetterHelp. Well, not just BetterHelp. BetterHelp. BetterHelp. BetterHelp. probably. Today's episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Well, not just advertisers. Only BetterHelp. Shout out to BetterHelp. They deserve all the credit in the world for advertising with us because if anybody realizes anything, it's that the KFC radio crowd, we need help. And we need good help.

We need better help. As a matter of fact, this should be called besthelp.com. Besthelp, yeah. Besthelp.com. They should at least reroute besthelp.com. BestHelp.com. They should at least reroute BestHelp.com to BetterHelp.com. It is online. She just did that.

Contagious twitching? Yeah, you both just twitch within like 10 seconds of each other. And I almost accidentally caught it on both cameras. I don't think it's Benjamin Franklin. I think it's you. I think that Benjamin Franklin, like, on stage, Jackie said,

his soul is inside me. It's like, I can't believe we're talking about Ben Franklin and Jackie and the phrase inside of me is being used. I did not know that.

Yep. Yeah, you said his soul is in me. Is that what his nickname for it is? Better help is perfect because it is like the perfect for kfc radio because we all need mental help but we're also like addicted to the internet

and we live our lives digitally and everything is online and on our phones and so that's what better help is it's um a way to get in touch with a therapist uh psychiatrist psychologist any anybody you need to help you through uh your issues and you can do it all on the computer you don't have to get an appointment you don't have to go to a uh an office you don't have to uh wait in the waiting room all of that nonsense and then you find out oh my god this isn't even a good fit now i gotta find someone else the next availability is not for three weeks everything gets pushed back you know it's just a nightmare with better help you can find someone within 48 hours and they can start helping you right away. And right now, the best part is you can get 10% off your first month when you go to BetterHelp.com slash KFC.

That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash KFC. Shout out to BetterHelp for sponsoring today's episode. Unless that one single read was worth like $500,000, uh i'm gonna be so mad the rest of this episode so uh we have we have a very cool uh do double interview we had jeremiah watkins on the show um he has a cool podcast jeremiah wonders he also has this thing called stand up on the spot where he has all of the famous comics that we know through the KFC radio world. They do freestyle comedy where they have to go up on stage without, it's like improv. And he has a podcast called Scissor Bros. He has a whole bunch of shit. He came on the show and then afterwards we were doing

ATI with him. And Ari Shafir was the next guest, and I booked them back to back. Like, literally, he went from 1.30 to 2.30, Ari was in at 2.30. He comes a little early, finds out that Jeremiah was the guest before him, and that he was next door doing NYAS, uh,

Answer the Internet. Runs through the door, top off, shirtless, and just slaps Jeremiah in the face. Uh then jeremiah started fighting back and it was just the perfect like organic moment and then jeremiah stuck around for like another hour while we did the ari shafir interview so it was a very cool organic moment of like two comics i've you know all these comics know each other but i didn't know for sure so like i didn't really say anything um and it just

unfolded into like this you know with jeremiah probably like a two two and a half hour interview whatever it was ari jumped in for the second half and i just love when things like that happen in like in real time like we didn't force it we didn't schedule it it was just like hey you want to you know hang around and continue chopping it up with ari He was like, oh yeah, let's go. Ari also considered for this prank doing it fully nude. He wanted to run into the green room with his dick out and slap Jeremiah and probably wrestle him and who knows what else would happen with that dick.

Now, Ari obviously is a lunatic, but did know to say, he goes to Nick, so about how many women in this office these days? How many females work here? And Nick was like, quite a bit. Quite a bit. And right at that moment, somebody walked by. Two girls walked by.

I was like, thank you for doing that. Now, let's say, let's play this out. Let's say those girls didn't walk by. Let's say Ari Shaffir ran into the room. His belt was undone. He was ready to. Right. He was like, you know, he was thinking about doing it.

And Jackie was behind the camera. What? Let's play that out. What happens there? If Ari Shaffir ran in with his dick out, what would you... What would your reaction be? I would be like, whoa, butt. That's about like, yeah.

Would you be uncomfortable? I'm a professional, though. Yeah, you are a professional. But also, you would be 100% well within your rights to be like, what the fuck was that? I don't ever want to have that happen again. But would you be like that? I think I would just kind of be like,

not say anything. I'm just going to be like, oh. I think I would kind of be like, not say anything. I think I would be silenced by my peers. A perfect fit for this show. I think I'd be like, whatever's happening is happening, I guess. Am I crazy to say, and maybe this is probably not something to say out loud on the show, but I think most people here would be like, well, that was crazy.

Like jackass. They'd be like, oh my god. If Johnny Knoxville came in here with his dick out, I don't think people would be like, I'm suing or something like that. I feel uncomfortable in this workplace sort of thing. I would, I would, that's obviously very different than Ari Shafir,

but I think it's like the same. I think it was, I think pretty much everybody here, not that they want to see Ari's dick and balls, but I don't think my point being, do you think there would be like drama? Yes, definitely.

With it, with, from people, from not, not from people in this room right now, from people, other people. Yes.

Meaning like other people who would have seen it, or the management would have to be like, we can't have this. I think probably both. I think the management would definitely have a problem. I think someone out there would probably complain. I don't think you're insane. You're within your rights to do it,

but it is kind of like, oh, that was funny. Like if they went up to you and wiggledled it in your face or something but it's just like if i was walking the hallway and i saw ari running there like his cheeks we are a place of business like you can't yeah you can't do that you're like all right but it's forever so i was going to edit my the clips i make the other day and then i'm looking for foreplay talking about like former orthodox jew comes running by i'm fucking cleanly circumcised dick just flopping in the wind but but it is it's always you know it is a place of business but it's like i don't know we also do some shit that is fucking very not proper either you know look at the past couple weeks of this place it's like free-for-all do what you want want. But nudity is a line.

I've got to be honest. I wasn't even thinking about Jackie when he asked if there's any girls here. I was like, oh, the ones out there. He went in there. I'm like, oh, yeah, Jackie's in here. Oh, yeah, that one. The one that works for this. The one looking right down the fucking business end of the camera. I feel like he would react that way.

I think it's probably the highest compliment you can get that we forget you're a chick. No. It's not. When it comes to like. Forgetting you're from California, insulting. Forgetting you're a chick. Your gender altogether. I think like if it was something like, I don't know, maybe an older gentleman makes up a list of attractive girls and leaves you off of that.

I could understand being offended. But when the guys of a group are like, oh, shit, like the girls are going to be upset. And someone's like, yeah, what about Jackie? And everyone's like, she'll be fine. She doesn't count. That's a good thing. You should be honored that we don't even know you're a chick. I guess that feels really unfeminist of me to be like, thank you.

No, no. So happy to not be a chick. Feminism's all about equality, right? And we treat you like we treat the guys. It's the most feminist thing, just like this podcast is. This podcast is straight up the most masculine and feminine thing in the world. But I could do without seeing Ari's dick, if it's your reference. Noted. You know what, Nick? Write that down

for us. Write that down. Okay, so that's all coming up later in the show. We also, of course, will have our voicemails, but today, top five music videos. Oh, wait, we want to do something else first? Well, Jackie saw the crime last night.

Right. Jackie's not only not a female, she's also now a crime fighter of some sort, apparently. I don't know any of this, so fill me in. So I was walking last night, and I didn't really think that this was worth it, whatever. Yeah, she started this story. She's like, I was like, she's like, all right, so something happened last night. And I was like, should you shut up and tell them the podcast? She's like, no, no, it's not even a very good story. So I find this pile of blood.

Because I was expecting to, like, follow this trail of blood. Okay, so I'm walking. Like, follow this, like, a literal, like, we're not talking about, like, follow the clues. A literal drops of blood leading you. Wait, okay, let's set the scene. Were you out? Were you drunk?

Where were you? I was coming back. So I like to do little nighttime walks, which is really unsafe, but they're fun. So I was coming back. Not drinking.

There's trails of blood in this and you're doing nighttime walks. I mean, god damn it. Where do you live now? Well, I don't have to answer that, but do you live by me now? I saw you walk by me the other day. Weirdo.

Thanks for saying hi. Yeah, that's weird. How close were you? In fact, I held up. I was like, oh, here we go. You don't have to tell me that again. The best compliment would be. I've done that with Zach, too, when Zach lived over by me.

I was behind him in a bodega. I was like, oh, yes. Anybody saw you? Nope, never saw me. Wow! I think we should all have an understanding. No, I get it.

Like, if we see each other in the wild, head nod like it's anybody else. It's not like, it's not against you. There were plenty of times I would have said I do. I just wasn't,

I wasn't feeling it right then. No, I don't blame you. You were across the street. That's, yeah. Yeah, that's crazy. Was this when you, yeah, okay. But so again, you were in your apartment, and you're just kind of like, I'm going to go No, no, no.

I was just walking around. I was in Westville. Sorry. I just want the details of like, were you out, and you were like, I'll catch up with you girls later. Okay, I just come back from dinner. So like, I had like a few glasses of wine, but like, it wasn't like. You have to be reckless.

Whatever. So I'm walking, but then it was funny, because I actually had the thought, I was like a few glasses of wine, but like it wasn't like. You have to be reckless. Whatever. So I'm walking, but then it was funny because I actually had the thought. I was like, this is probably dangerous, but like what? Is somebody going to like murder me right here? And then I looked down and I see drops of blood. And I was like, okay, no, I'm just like projecting because I literally just had that thought. Like it was like a lot of drops of blood. So I was like, maybe like there.

Well, this sounds dumb, but I was like, maybe these are like cherry trees. And these are like, I was like, maybe like, well, this sounds dumb, but I was like, maybe these are like cherry trees and these are like, I thought it was like, these are like cherry. She didn't realize it wasn't someone dropping fruit and then bending down to pick up the pits of this fruit and then stomping on them as if it's a Great Lady music video and continuing to walk for how many blocks? Could you imagine that? She's like on the stand and it's like, so, Miss Nichols, did you realize it was blood?

It's like, no, you're on right. That was cherry trees. Put it in the cherries, I figured. Everybody knows there's cherry trees down in the middle. Well, you were describing your cherry blossoms and they don't have cherry trees on them. No, no, no. I was just describing.

Then I thought this just sounds more and more dumb because I was like, well, there's no pits. Oh, you did those pits. That's smart. Yeah. I was on my Nancy Drew shit. So then I was like, well, maybe somebody had grape juice or cherry juice or something. Cherry?

Oh, the ever elusive cherry juice. Everybody knows I spill my cherry juice on them. It was like a hot summer's day. So maybe somebody had some fruit punch and then they were spilling it. Because I was like, if this is blood, this person is dead. Yeah, are we talking droplets or a puddle? So, okay. So then I'm like, eventually it was like, okay, no, it's cherries.

Then my legs got tired, so I go and I sit down on the stoop. And I look up, and then I see a puddle of blood. And I was like oh okay it was blood and I see like all these like gauze strips with like dried blood on it and like I'll put the on a bench right now or like a stoop just like on the little stoop I'll show you like

the oh my god so these were like the droplets that you can kind of see how that's like on your twitter this no no this is just on my phone but you can see how it's kind of like Fruit Punch-esque looking, right? So then I'm like, oh, yeah. In her defense, it looks more like purple than I thought it was going to look. Yeah, so then I was like, this doesn't really look like blood.

That could have been like wine, not cherry juice. Could have been red wine. But okay. No no that's fair so then I see like all these gauze strips and then like this like pile of blood

like thing of blood like right there or what like I was like the gauze strips to make it look like that's

blood so then the saw and the limbs and the so then I was like okay let's let's follow this back, you little detective.

So then I go back. I love how saucy she just got with herself. You little detective. So then I'm following it back and I'm taking pictures because I was like, in case the cops want this for later. You had more than a couple glasses. When Sherlock

Nichols comes out, you know it's... In case the police want me to handle this. Johnson, I've got all the evidence you need right here. Because I didn't know... He's down at the precinct smoking a cigarette. Tag it, bag it. I've got the gauze over here. Well, it was like sticky looking, so I was like, this looks like fresh blood.

Oh my God. So then I followed... I told you this one, O'Connell. We had 48 hours. The first 48 of the month. That's fine. Okay. So then I follow it back, and then it traces.

You can tell this guy. Why don't you just take a video? It's like a flip book over here. I had a little bit of wine. So then I'm following back, and you can tell that this guy was taking, was taking some breathers, like, on different stoops and everything. Oh, my God. Like, a long time. And then I follow all the way back to this, like, building with this, like, hole in the middle.

And then you can see there's blood. He punched a hole in the glass. Right there's a hole in the glass. In the glass of the door. Oh, oh, oh. And then he cut his wrist on that. Oh, that's like, I mean, he's dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So then I was like, this guy. And then I looked up the. He punched a hole in, like. Glass. But, like, okay, yeah, whatever. Like, where you could, like, reach your hand through. Right, right, yeah, yeah. So then I was like, this guy. And then I looked up the- He punched a hole in- Glass. But like, okay, yeah, whatever. Like where you could reach your hand through. Right, right, right, right, yeah, yeah. And then I looked it up, and this was fresh blood from earlier in the day.

And then the article was like, he's probably dead. He's probably dead. You looked up the address? Because I looked up Morton Street Blood and then something popped up and it was like at 1230, like apparently the guy was drunk. They were like, it's unclear whether he died, but based on the amount of blood on the street, he's probably dead.

Yeah, that'll do it. It's unclear, but that motherfucker is curtains, dude. Which is not funny, but then I just like, I felt pretty cool. And you were alone while you traced blood back through city streets which is not funny but but then I just like I felt pretty cool for being like and you were alone

while you while you traced blood back through city streets at let's call it 11pm 1am 1am okay

at 1am 1am drunk Jackie is walking the west village with her phone out solving crimes and looking down

and then I had in my head I was like what if the murder what if he knows that I'm on to him my friends and I had in my head, I was like, what if the murder? What if he knows that I'm on to him? My friends and I were joking, like, what if I just, like, have this whole Nancy Drew, like, persona that I start to take on?

Co-sign. Yeah. I would love you to become a detective. Yeah, I'd like to start coming with, like, plans. Jackie the Superhero of the West Village. What are they called? Real-life superheroes? That's a throwback man when I I interacted with

Dark Guardian yeah that was an OG OG can you google that real life superheroes Barstool Dark Guardian

see if if that got ate up by the Dev Nest so you so that was just the conclusion though you like you did your Google search

you're like okay so I tracked a dead man it was kind of anticlimactic maybe do a little search now see if there's any follow up maybe like So that was just the conclusion, though? You did your Google search? You're like, okay. Yeah, that's fine. So I tracked a dead man. It was kind of anticlimactic. Maybe do a little search now, see if there's any follow-up. Maybe go to that same article, see if there's an update, if you will. Wow, it still exists, huh? Maybe.

But there was like, oh, see all the pictures are gone. They're all screenshots of our conversation. And click the link to go back. Ah! I had a thought the other day that I was like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to go back and read my blogs and fucking mark off the really good ones, the evergreen ones, like the timeless ones,

and compile them. There he is. Look at that fucking guy. That's Dark Guardian? That's Dark Guardian. I thought he had a mask. He does, but if you look bottom, second roll

all the way left, down. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's him. Because eventually True TV or Spike TV or one of those did a special on them. Or maybe that's even why they were in the news and this was happening.

But I think I did it before they went to air. I think you did um but i was like i'm gonna do it i'm gonna like go back and read all these blogs because you know there's these gems of me like trolling on facebook of fuck these people who think that they are real superheroes and they're not crazy like they think that they have superpowers they're just like i fight crime and i wear a costume and they're not crazy like they think that they have superpowers they're just like i fight crime and i wear a costume and they think it's like it all takes is one someone's got to do it yeah yeah right right but dark guardian was like dead ass serious and i was just kind of clowning them the whole time and it was it was special it was a good old time but i'm just never gonna go back and read all those blogs no dude from Dude, from fucking 10 plus years ago?

There's so many. It's only 10 years ago. It's got to be, you know, 50,000. I'm sorry, August 2011. Yeah, I started August 2009. And that was August 11. But I realistically stopped, truly, in like 16, 17, probably. Really?

That early? Yeah, I guess kind of. You know, it's been a little while. Like when I was in the old office, I wasn't like blogging every day. I would blog, but I wasn't like at my desk. The old office, I would have days where I blogged. Yeah, but I was doing radio. So I probably stopped earlier than you did.

But all of it's within, you know, that like the late, middle to late teens is where we all kind of stopped, I think. It sounds so crazy because it is like once you have even one other job, it gets really hard. And I know it's actually not even hard. It's just logistical. Yeah, it's not hard. But it's like when you – we've said this before, but when you wake up and you're a blogger like you wake up and you block that's like it is find a headline right away you sit with the laptop in bed you fucking you get you get up and you go yeah because then that's the only way to stay on top of everything right if you have to the next because we're not

i guess you have to do an interview here i have to do this clip here and all fuck this video here and it's like and again like nothing's hard but like it is you're like all right i'm gonna buy this now and like you don't you didn't have a chance to look at your website and then you're like oh wait someone blogged it and then it's over yeah or like you know you want to do a minute amount of uh research not like research in the sense of like i'm gonna find out if it's true or not you want to be like oh that was like that old viral video let me go try to find that to embed it in here. And let me find this. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've been like.

And then someone just wrote three sentences and posted it. Exactly, right. Where I'd be like, oh, that looks like a cartoon character from like the 90s. And I'm on like retro drunk trying to find this picture. And then, yeah, somebody swoops in. It's like, but I swear mine would have been better, man. So that's our sob story about blogging. But anyway, Jackie, don't chase down blood.

I mean, I thought we had the weird city picture of the weekend when we saw that dead fish in Philly. Like, shout out to Barcelo Sansom, but maybe we got to get rid of the dead fish outside. We walked outside waiting for our Uber, and it was just like, there's a full ass dead fish. A skinny guy, but probably like a foot long. I got an actual picture of it. We'll put it in the YouTube. It just was like, and it almost felt like, I hope it was like a sign. I hope someone like drive by, like threw it out of their car.

Like, you're next. You know what I mean? You'll sleep with the fishes. I don't think that message was received. What I think it was is some dude who bought fish and dropped it out of a bag. Alright, so now we'll get into it. Top 5 is brought

to you by nobody today. For some fucking reason. Incomprehensible as to how... I would like to stress that we had an end of year meeting where the show has grown which is like 10%, which for a show that's been going on for as long as we have and is already the size of ours, 10%

a year over growth is like pretty solid. Pretty good amount. But it'll be our fault. So many less advertisements on this show now. So many less advertisers. We used to be like, can we squeeze in seven? Now I'm like, can I get two? Nuts.

You know the show's getting bigger and all that stuff, but what we're going to do is we're going to tamp back the advertising. I'm going to throw this out there. I'm going to throw this idea out there. Ready? Ready? Less advertising money. What do you guys think about growth, but less money?

This reminds me of the scene in Elf. You know in Elf, exactly what you just did, Andy Richter does it. He's like, I'm thinking small town, small town, but instead of an animal, it's a tomato. And Miles Finch is like, no, tomatoes are out, or whatever. Yeah, this is the fucking Barstool way, man. It's just you guys that are making less money.

You guys want to do any of that shit? So. What the fuck do you guys think about making less money? But. More show It's going to be a three hour We used to do

Six slots And we begged you to do seven What if we totally reverse that And beg you to do one And leave six open But still do seven worth But just only one. Top five today.

Top five in honor of John Feidelberg making his It was a big week for you. Polly, OAR, live show. Yeah. Got sick. I was going to say probably some food poisoning mixed in there. No, no food poisoning. Regular sick.

Like a cold? Yeah, like a sore throat. Huh. That makes sense. Checks out. Yeah, I watched a lot of British spy movies this weekend. That's all I did. It was awesome. Operation Mincemeat?

Watched Mincemeat. Yeah, Mincemeat got the ball rolling, and then I watched like 10 others. I watched The Northmen. I didn't watch that yet. I was so in and out of sleep when I said that. I mean, like, I probably slept. I probably would watch a minute, open for a minute, watch a minute, open. So I don't quite know. It wild it was wacky it was like some

some crazy shit but scars guard just doing biking things you know I like the Vikings I get I fuck with you are a big Viking guy I fuck with the Northman I did I did I did like the boring spy movies though like like legit spy shit yeah not not like not James Bond not minister impossible I did like the courier It's about Cold War. I did a bunch of movies no one else cares about hearing about. I did Bridge of Spies. He's going to read taglines for a few minutes. What was another?

I did Imitation Game. I watched The Courier, too. And when I was talking to you about it, that's what I meant. So maybe it's not really spy as much as... Yeah, it's spy. Oh, it's very much spy. I thought that was very good. I liked it.

And I bought it like full on like $24.99 when it first dropped. I feel like it dropped like pretty early pandemic or like height of pandemic. It was 2021. So it was like – I just remember being like this is – it would for sure be in theaters. It's not right now. I'm going to watch it. Hadn't heard a peep about it.

And I was like this shit is fire. Yeah. And it was pretty much real, right? I'm sure it watch it. Hadn't heard a peep about it. And I was like, this shit is fire. And it was pretty much real, right? I'm sure it was expanded upon. I think I watched Imitation Game because that's what you were talking about, a movie with Ben, a spy movie. And I was like, no, it's Imitation Game. That's an older movie.

Right. And then because I had said that earlier in the weekend, our home was like, I watched Imitation Game, which is, dude, Imitation Game. Yo, Imitation Game is crazy. Crazy. Dude. Fucking crazy. all the spy stuff then just what happened to that guy because he was gay so it's like that that was the crazy pretty recently it's alan turing right they they he invented turing machines which in this day and age we call them

computers and and uh oh right he's like almost like a numbers guy right crazy like crazy like he he he cracked the german code for enigma which is what they used in world war ii to basically communicate and we couldn't crack it i think i have seen this as well and he he like he applies for the job and he's like i don't even speak german and they're like well how the fuck you're gonna crack german code he's like i don't need even speak German. And they're like, well, how the fuck are you going to crack German code? He's like, I don't need to speak German to crack German code. Yeah, yeah. And then he cracks code, all this stuff, but gets arrested for paying off a...

What happens was he gets a poofter, which is a gay prostitute, I believe. Oh, I was going to say that sounds super gay. Yeah. What are you, fucking a poofter over there? And then the guy breaks into his house later, comes back and breaks into his house, and then the police investigate, blah, blah, blah.

They uncover that Alan Turing is having gay sex, homosexual sex. So they fucking put him on hormonal therapy for a year. Like, this dude ended World War II. And then what we were fighting the Nazis for was the inhumane treating of humans. And then this dude ended that. And they brought him back

and were like, you're gay, so you have to go on hormonal therapy. Did that for a year and then killed himself. Yeah, they chemically cash rate him. America did? But his government did? No, England. But his government did? Yeah.

And then what do you think about it too? Yeah, then we came back from rescuing the Jews, but we still don't have enough civil rights here. What were we fighting? Were we not looking in the mirrors at all at any point? Oh, we don't do that. We don't do mirrors around here. That's not America's scene.

Two-way mirror. Yeah, right, two-way mirror. Yeah, right, 2A mirror. Yeah, that guy's being mean to minorities. What? I watched Outer Range recently. Horrible season one ending. Didn't even realize it was a finale. For the next two weeks, I continued to check back in,

being like, where's episode nine? There isn't one. Tokyo Vice, same thing. Tokyo Vice is sick, but ends with like, oh wait, that's it? Yeah, that's it. I watched... It's not a whole series that's ended, but although it hasn't been renewed for season two yet, so whatever. Yeah, I don't think I've watched much of anything else. Still watching

Metacostal? Finish it. I'm caught up. Nothing to report back. About 41 hours down the drain, give or take. 41 hours is so many. That is so fucking many. It's great. I'm on like season six, episode seven, 42 minutes each.

So Stranger Things is about to drop. It's part one. I saw that. And then part two. Why do you have that voice? It is, I read the have that voice? It is... I read the reviews that it is the scariest but it's also the least...

I think it's going to be terrible. It doesn't have anything fun because they're adults now. I think if I had to bet, and I don't want it to be this way, I'd love to watch it and enjoy it and this is not me being contrarian or me being gloomy. I'm just betting. I don't think this is going to be good. I think they are at a weird weird age i think they are probably we we have seen enough of like getting

to talk to people who have major uh roles when they're kids you go through a phase where you resent it and then you come back around later and they're probably right smack in the middle of the resenting phase where they're like i don't want to fucking do this i do think you get to do enough other stuff nowadays yeah but like what did they do that like they did like, I don't want to fucking do this. I do think you get to do enough other stuff nowadays. Yeah, but like what did they do that like, did anything hit? Did they do like Ghostbusters and Noah Holmes? She. She did that. And then the one, the

the black kid was in something good, right? Caleb? Caleb McLaughlin, I think his name is. Yeah, I thought he was in something good. But anyway, regardless of whether, maybe I'm wrong. I'm just guessing here. Maybe they all love their roles or whatever. I think that Stranger Things got so big and just went on, and I think they were kind of doing the classic,

like writing the script as they go. I think they kind of are like, I don't know, and now he's going to be in Russia, and they're going to come back to life, and it'll be fine, but I don't think, that probably should have been a British show when they said we're doing three, and we're done. You know, when those guys just we're done. They did say like five was the plan.

Like five seasons. That's too much though. Very rare shows rarely can do like 50 episodes like good. It's tough. I really do like the British way of doing maybe a little bit longer episodes but shorter seasons and

shorter series, I think is the way to wrap it up. I also can't tell by the marketing, this might be the final season. The way that they're doing it, where they're splitting it up, and the last episode's two and a half hours. I feel like this is their,

all right, we're going to do five, but pandemic, so four is just going to be four and five. Well, that's what I remember Breaking Bad did. Breaking Bad, Vince Gilligan and the crew said, this show is five seasons and that's it. And AMC was like, please God, give us six. And they were like, okay, we'll give you like five split into two,

which is like the, you know, the. I never understood that. Ozark did that too. It's like, oh, last season's two seasons. Okay, so it's two seasons. Yeah, yeah, but I think it's uh it's it's less writing material yeah i do think rather than 20 episodes it's like 14 and it's seven and seven and we meet you halfway because i don't have another six episodes in me so i'll give you i

want to give you 10 they want to give you 20 we do meet in the middle and we just break it up into one but maybe to get you do it like tonight's Better Call Saul is a mid-season finale yeah so it's the end of the season but that but that might be so you can get the full hype of saying

you get a full like the final season's coming up so you get the final season premiere and then you get a final season mid-week mid-finali mid-premiere you know what I mean

you get like four major shows of premieres and finales rather than two shit like that I don't know what I mean? You get like four major shows of premieres and finales rather than two. Shit like that. I don't know, but I'm with you on that. Anyway, enough of the Barstool DVR. Top five music videos because John Henry Feidelberg debuted in his first ever music video. You think it'll be your last?

I think it'll probably be my last. I think he'll at least do one more one day. I hope so. I'd like to probably be my last. I think he'll at least do one more OAR one one day. I hope so. I'd like to. I don't... Look at him. Look at him. Look at him.

Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. He's fucking playing around. We have the video of... I don't want to talk about me anymore. We have the video of everyone cheering your name and you just say, shut the fuck up, shut

the fuck up. So, In the Clouds premieres. It's the new OAR song, which which is a vibe it's a great song i love oar but i definitely understand that there's probably some younger audience members who are audience that don't know their music as well or think of it as like an old school jam band in the clouds is like a new wavy pop rock like mix that is everybody everybody can get down with this. And John was the star of the video. It's like, look at it.

It's like, what's it called? Professionally shot, big time camera producers, directors, all that shit. So John made his debut. So in honor of that, we're going to do top five so fat music videos. Ooh in honor of that, we're going to do top five. Look so fat music videos.

Oh, look at that slide. I told him. Right here. That's the move. I was like, why you got a fat guy in your video, man? The spin. I love that. Wait, wait.

Go back. What did you do? Did you do the elbow thing? What's that? No, you just did a throw up. I just threw it up. I like the Aladdin thing. I don't remember doing some of this stuff.

You know what? He takes the afternoon. This was the end of the first night. It like the Aladdin thing. I don't remember doing some of this stuff. You know, that was like, yeah, it was kind of nice. This was the end of the first night. It was a long day. Yeah, so John is the harbinger of happiness.

Can you notice my shirt? I don't think people have noticed that. Yeah, it's a smiley face with a bullet hole on his head. Oh,

is that what it is? Yeah. The red, I thought you had, honestly, I thought it was like candy all over you and that was something

you used. No, it's just something. That's cool. It's like I got a lot of blood splatter. I like that. I like this Bruno Mars with a fro-looking motherfucker. That's Miles, dude.

Miles is a man. Miles is cool. Miles has a voice that is crazy. Yeah. He was just breaking out in the song, and we're like, what the fuck? Yeah. But so, yeah, John, go check it out in the clouds a lot of uh very like weird uh like very funny you liked it yeah i see i was very nervous to see what kevin

was gonna say no i love it i think it's a cool blend this shit right here like obvious like when i switch shirts when i'm in the trippy world it's a it's a melting smiley face oh cool cool yeah there are there are like little subtleties you can pick up on if you really truly watch it um i think it's got a good blend of like this new i'm drinking the fucking ice cream heartburn the tramp stamp oh man uh but i thought it was a very cool blend of like uh the you know on purpose looking a little goofy when you're flying through the air and all that shit it's like obviously a little campy if you will I guess and then like the real shit of you like

dancing and fucking twirling around in the street and shit high five and back that ass up was that off the cuff? oh dude everything I did was off the cuff bro it's a very cool video and it looks very cool and then and the main thing is the song like if the song stunk i'd be like

this thing's too yeah and that's that's an integral part of the top fives here today best music videos because there are some fire music videos that like i'm just not going to sit through this three and a half minute song. Now, also, there are music videos that, I mean, like, Jackie, what's your favorite music video of all time? You probably don't even. Do you have one? What's like the biggest? You just don't even have memories of my music videos, do you?

I'm joking. I used to be really into Travis Scott music videos. God, that's ridiculous. Those probably suck. I used to be really into Travis Scott. Shut up, fucking neck. We grew up in an era where MTV was the shit. It came out in the 80s, but by the time the 90s was like... I mean, you could come home and aside from sports,

I got home from school, I put on MTV and pretty much let it run. From music videos to Bivs and Butthead to the fucking talk shows and Singled Out and all that shit. But music videos themselves were a thing. That was like your promotion. You came running home from school to watch it. TRL was like... Carson Hill used to paint his nails, bro.

Come on! Actually, boys, paint them shits black. They had making the... Oh, wait. Speaking of behind the scenes, are we doing a behind the scenes of this? Yeah, when do you want to drop it? Because I just need a little bit of a day to work on it.

When? Yeah, I don't care. Who makes those shirts? Can we sell those? I talked to her about that. Were those made for the set, or is that a brand? No, no, no. She ordered those on Amazon.

But music videos, the making the video, I think it was called, or whatever it was, was like, all of it. Music video culture was huge. Huge. Huge. So, this is more for my people and the 40% parents and all that shit. But, uh...

Migo number one? Migo. Migo! It's a Migo! It's a Migo! Number one. I mean, God damn, this is hard hard I gotta go dirty dude I go dirty thinking of it from the so I said to John like are we gonna do top five

meaning like best or he doesn't even know he doesn't even fucking know you don't even know trying to get dirty don't even fuck know. Come on. Are you kidding me? Wait, wait, stop. Don't look. Pause. Have you never seen this? I have no clue what this is. Okay, everyone just leave the room.

Leave Pabst with a fucking thing of lotion. Do you know this, Jackie? No. This video is filth, dude. This is better than porn. What year is this? You've got to remember that right now, we don't have Adriana Cechik in our lives.

2011, that's not even true. This is like years before that. This is like, we don't have porn. We don't have Pornhub. We don't have access to people having sex with our fingertips. What we have is Christina Aguilera in the assless chaps with the fucking striped bikini

rolling that body and shaking that ass while she gets dropped down and gets her eagle on, girl. This is with her dirty ass hair. Open it up. Yep. Yep. Open up the legs. Oh, God.

I'm going to need a moment. Oh, boy. Yeah. Do you know the song, guys? I want to get. No way. Sweat. Come on, guys? I wanna get. No way. Sweat dripping over my body. This is not like that.

Look at that move. Oh, yeah. When she's like shaking it, but also like rolling in a circle too. It was an important moment for like our generation, the men of our era. I wasn't even thinking about it. I was thinking about the music videos themselves, not like the impact it had on me as a person. This is number one with a bullet, man. This is number one far and away because

I went from a boy to a man. I think I knew that I was... You don't just note all this stuff. Really? That's surprising. I try to not get surprised by time. But this is a surprise. You know Britney Spears' songs, right? Yeah. I guess that... Oh, this is really what it is.

Not the assless chaps. For me, it's the skirt. She is very skinny. I don't remember her being that skinny. This right here. That right there is when I came. That was always the money shot right there. But, like, I guess that answers kind of the question of, like, Britney versus Christina.

It's like they don't even fucking know her song. Yeah. Do you know other, like, can you name me five Christina Aguilera songs? I don't know if I could. I could do... Well, so that's a no for you guys? Stronger? Is that Brittany?

Are you just reading it? Does she have a song called Stronger? I know that she did, but she might not. I think I could do... Okay, wait. Genie in a Bottle. Lady Marmalade. You know, that thing. I love that she did, but she might not. I think I could do... Okay, wait. Genie in a Bottle. Yeah. Lady Marmalade. You know, that thing.

Dirty. Christina Aguilera. I Am Beautiful. No Matter What They Say. That's like her ballad. My words can't bring me now. That is a funny thing. You'd be surprised

how it asks people to name five songs and they either don't or they get flustered. Oh, I couldn't name three Snoop Dogg songs. Even like, who do you think you can name the most songs of?

If I said, give me, or how about this? If I gave you like 10 seconds, give me five Justin Bieber songs. Could you do it? Like one. Probably not. I mean, yes, I absolutely do. Well, I didn't know you were counting. Okay, you weren't counting.

But you know what I mean? Yeah, okay, ready, set, go. Baby, baby, baby. Nope. But that's just like panic doesn't bring it. But you would think. It's like Snoop where I'm like, oh, yeah, I fucking know that song. But to be on the spot and put it out there is.

So you don't know Genie in a Bottle? I know Genie in a Bottle. That's a good song. Yeah. So it's fucking dirty. Dan Levy posted an Instagram with her yesterday. Oh, come on over. Come on over, baby.

Oh, Fighter was what I Come on over, baby. Oh, Fighter was what I was thinking of. I don't know that one. Yeah. But Dan Letty posted an Instagram with her and tagged her in it. Uh-huh. How many followers do you think she has? Ronaldo has 400 million, for reference.

10 million? Yeah, eight. I thought that was... She hasn't been active in the era, you know? Okay, Dirty's for you. Okay, I'm going to go with what I just think is the best music video of all time, but I'm dating myself here, November Rain. November Rain. Do you remember that music video?

No, I mean, I love the song. Wait, no, no, I'm thinking of Purple Rain. November Rain, Guns N' Roses is like, first of all, it's like a 10-minute ballad. But there's this fucking, they have a wedding. And then, like, all of a sudden, the wedding, when the song switches, the wedding switches over to, like, a funeral. All of a sudden, this chick is dead. I didn't know what was going on. But to me, this is like the, and then this.

Slash has a solo in the fucking desert with this one church. It's in the middle of fucking nowhere and he's just absolutely shredding. But this is... I think November Rain is one of my favorite songs of all time and the video... I don't even know if I... I'm sure I know it. This is exactly what we were just talking about.

I'm sure I know it, but I don't... November Rain? Yeah, sing November Rain for me. Even cold November... I don't. November Rain? Yeah, sing November Rain for me. Even cold November. You don't know off the top of your head. Like, nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain. No? Wow. Shit.

And then it's kind of like scenes from an Italian restaurant. There's like an entire switch where the song sounds totally different. Okay, you're up next. Next, I will go with Slave For You. You're just a hornball. These are the videos I watch. These are the videos I...

Yeah. These ones are pretty easy. What music videos did I masturbate to when I was 10? Those are the best ones. Now I'm starting to get horny, so I'm thinking about what I want to see. I honestly don't even know other ones. Okay, so the way I thought of it, I don't think I finished my sentence.

Are we doing the best ones, the biggest ones? To me, this is just like, when I think of music videos, the ones that are memorable and stick out, like, Mo Money Mo Problems. Yeah, that was a good one. You know, there was, like, something, like, about that, if somebody tries to make a parody of, like, late 90s, 2000 rap, they make that. You're in, like, the big flashy suits and, like, all that kind of shit.

Dude, I haven't been able to get a yawn. And the Tiger Woods thing. You can't get your yawns out? I can't get a yawn because I have a sore throat and I can't get my full yawn so I just get stuck with yawns. It's a veril in my ass. What is the... Okay, so

now I feel like I'm getting horny shamed so I'm going to get away from the horny stuff. No, no, no, no, no. Don't get away from it. No. Get horny. Trying'm getting horny shamed, so I'm going to get away from the horny stuff. No, no, no, no, no. Don't get away from it. No, I don't. Get horny. Trying to get horny. I do have two other ones that are non-horny, but it is Tom Petty, Don't Come Around Here No More. And that was kind of because it was just freaky, too.

Yeah. It was like, I remember watching it at my grandfather's house. Oh, okay, you know what? I'm going to hit you with the one that matches up well because this does stick in my brain. Tom Petty, Last Dance with Mary Jane, used to scare the fucking shit out of me. Really? Because he's dancing with a goddamn dead body. Yours is very Alice in Wonderland.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I remember watching it. I was just alone in my grandfather's house watching it. I was like, this is fucking creepy. I think that's what it is, right? It's supposed to be like a trip? Yeah.

But it's house watching it. I was like, this is fucking creepy. I think that's what it is, right? It's supposed to be like a trip? Yeah. But it's an awesome song. And he kind of had like a run of 90s videos that were very like, oh, yeah. Dude, my dad was a big TP and the HBs guy. So we had a lot of Tom Petty in the house. That's awesome. So back to me already. Well, no. I'll just throw that out there as another weird fucking Tom Petty.

I will go with one of the weirdest ones. Busta Rhymes. Put your hands where my eyes can see. You ever seen that music video? No. Well, I'm sure I have. He's in the green, black light with his eyes all fucking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does the fish lens thing. Dude, it's actually funny you said Busta because I was going to say Busta's song. What were you going to do? I was going to do Victory. Oh, oh. Diddy and Puffy. It was a whole bad boy.

Yeah. What a song. Dude, that was. That's like they're on the rooftops in New York, right? That is such a badass fucking song, too. But even like, look at this, like how much went into this where they're in some weird, like, you know, looks like a palace and they're like, all right, we need the gongs and the fucking mallets and get the torches rolling and get bus.

You know, it's just like, it was such an era of like big budget movies you know yeah like hype uh hype williams had like a run of move of like little mini movies that were just like holy shit what are we watching here um so wait what did you you just went right you said uh I did Victor. Bust a Victor. I will do... I will do Big Pimpin'. Just give me a classic fucking... Throw champagne on chicks' tits on a fucking yacht. That's rap right there. The... All right, my last one.

And this is one where I always ask when people are like, well, which one do you want to do like uh it's an asiac question would you rather live in a country music video or a rap music video yeah i'm always like what video did you picture i pictured cruise for country and i i because country because music videos weren't that big or country music wasn't big when music videos were big so i have not seen a lot of country music videos. Yeah. There are very few and far between what I've seen. But then the rap video I was picturing is Jagged Edge with a party hat.

That's a good one. That's a good one. People wearing stupid hats like this and the croissant flowing and shit. That was another one that kind of defined an era. Yeah. I also would have had Lil' Kim, How Many Licks on here. Oh, yeah. Because that was one we used to also masturbate to.

Yeah. You know what's crazy? Is that when they're filming this, they've got to know that. She's got to know. Young men are going to masturbate to this. Just kids are going to jerk off to me. I used to fucking jerk off to the lyrics. How nuts is that?

To be an adult woman, kids are going to fucking pound their dicks with this. I had this single of Ladies Night. It was the Not Tonight remix. And I opened up the CD and had the lyrics in, and I used to masturbate to the written word. To the written word of her fucking verse on there. Just unbelievable. I mean, this one is, this song is disgusting.

Yeah, filthy. It is. And now you see where she ended up today and it's just like god don't let don't don't do surgery don't don't fucking do it man this song i mean this song is disgusting yeah no she's i mean she's she i remember like it was like uh was it uh like she had a big ass dick in a hurricane tongue like it was there's like there's a whole song I don't know

I don't think it's on this I think it's on Mr. Cheeks' song Stop Camera Lights Camera Action when she said I make a Sprite can disappear in my mouth

a Sprite can? you know how fucking thick that is? been to a lot of places seen a lot of faces oh hell you fucking different races I love it

white dude his name was John he had a Queen B. Ruth tattoo on his arm that is? Been to a lot of places, seen a lot of faces. Oh, hell, you fuck with different races. I love it. White dude, his name was John, he had a Queen Bee rule tattoo on his arm. He asked me if I'd be his date to his prom, he'd buy me a horse, a Porsche,

and a farm. Denmark. What if I just said it? Denmark, N-word. He used to like to spank me and cum in his mouth. For like the 90s,

2000s, this is a lot. Tony was an Italian. He didn't give a fuck. That's what I liked about him. He ate my pussy from dark till the morning. Called his girl up and told her we were boning. Puerto Rican poppy.

Used to be a deacon. But now he be sucking me off on the weekend. And then I love, how about this? I don't even know if I can say this one. And this black dude I call King Kong. I think he can say that. I don't know if she can say that. I don't know if I can.

I remembered that lyric before I got to the, he had a big-eyed steak and a hurricane tongue, and I skipped it. How about this, though? Look at that second verse. Not thinking about the children jerking off, but the fellas in the jail. Shout out to the guys jerking off to me in XXL. That's unbelievable. It's crazy that she didn't just do fucking.

If there was an OnlyFans back then, watch out, buddy. I mean, it is. This song is gross. Do you think, though... If I was a parent in the era, I would have written a letter to my senator. You know what I think? I think, by the way,

for my last pick, I think I have one more. Missy Elliott, The Rain. But aside, do you think like missy elliott was like fucking dudes when she was at her peak yeah now i love missy but you know she was not like she was known for her rap she was not a you know sex icon did not matter like first of all i think missy elliott was a sex icon i mean in her day dude like in come on i mean let's come on i know i i know what you're saying, but also, I always liked her vibe. Because of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Lizzo. I would love to fuck Lizzo. Lizzo would put a hurtin' on me. Lizzo would eat me for lunch, bro. Literally and figuratively. You see Chris, whatever, Chris Evans?

She hit him up and was like, you want to be on my song? And he just kind of went like, ha ha. What do you mean? Do that. She said something like, I think he posted a video. I think they have a back and forth where I think Lizzo's like, I want to be on my song and he just kind of like ha ha what do you do that she said something like i think he posted a video i think they have a back and forth right i think

lizzo's like i'm gonna fuck chris evans and i think he posted a video of him like playing piano or something and she dm'd him like you should play piano on my new song and he's like ha ha and so her quote was like so yeah that didn't happen i guess he just said ha ha uh but like gotta do that and then fuck her or she fucks you that's the you know Lizzo like eats you for lunch

and then like kicks you out of her house like naked and you have to just find your way home like get out of my life deal she would

how how hard scale of one to a thousand million trillion how hard would Lizzo laugh at our dicks like imagine imagine she's like yeah alright

Lizzo would fuck both of us right? Same time and she would make fun of us equally and be like these two dicks put them together and they're still not getting even inside me. I feel like the guys that she fucks are they would put us to shame. Oh she fucks men?

Brick. Oh Brick City. Getting worse. I'm gonna go over the Defender too. I gotta get over the... Over the ring light. Oh, you son of a bitch. Ah! Okay, uh, voicemail time. Brought to you by

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Check it out. It's a cool idea, advertising on a podcast. Wow, never heard of it. Voicemails, let's go. KFC Fights. Jackie, Pavs, Nick, Zach, anybody else back there. Last night was at the Philly Live show. Amazing.

So cool. Thank you guys for coming to Philly. Appreciate the show. I had so much fun. After the show, went to the Barstool Bar. I somehow ended up in the VIP area. Don't know how. Just was back there. they gave me a wristband appreciate it and I just acted like I belong ways I think I did and didn't get kicked out of there all night

so question is what is the coolest thing that you guys have just by chance accidentally ended up doing and then you acted like you belonged so you didn't get kicked out doing it hey you know what this means this guy's like one of the coolest things he's ever done speaking to rv that was so cool that's uh move your fat melon out of the way. Nick can't even fix the TV. Yeah, he, I mean, that guy went home and was like, yo, I was in the K-3 VIP section. Holy shit. Meanwhile, as we learned afterwards, all you had to do was be like,

walk in. Grab one of us and say, can we come in? Yeah, here you go, dude. Actually, that's not true. That's what you guys did. I awkwardly lied to everybody who asked me to do that. I said, I don't know. We have to talk to the manager.

And they were like, it's your VIP section. I was like, I can't hear you. I don't know what you mean. I was just like, yeah, sure. Come on. Get out of the room. I don't know. This is tough.

Have you ever snuck into something big? Have you ever? Snuck in? No. Have you ever just kind into something big? Snuck in? No. Have you ever just kind of went with the crowd and got into anything? Any of that kind of shit?

No. The coolest I've ever felt, and we've talked about this before, it's weird because it's such a non-moment, but it felt very cool in the moment when we were at Sirius and Sway definitely just thought I was someone else. Very cool. but it felt very cool in the moment when we were at serious and sway definitely just thought I was someone else.

Very cool. He's like, he like came across the hall. He's like, yo, he came over. Like, who do we think you thought you were?

I don't know. I remember the outfit I was wearing. So I was like, yeah, I can see how you like, I was in like, I was in like those ridiculous dress apart. I was in like,

I was in wool pants that were like, and it was like before it was a little pants. It was probably like five years ago, so it was a little before everyone was wearing goofy pants. And then I had on a big cardigan. I'd love to get Sway in here because either A, we can find out one of two things. Three things, maybe.

A, he knows who you are. Two, he knows who he thinks two he like who he thinks you were because maybe if he sees you again he'd be like you look exactly like

that guy from that band or whatever or D if he was just like I this is what I do like I make it look like I know everybody

cause like I saw that you looked like somebody that like looked cool or important or whatever and I'm just gonna like act like I know you to like keep my class but he like came across the hall remember that like we were in the lobby yeah and I'm just gonna like act like I know you to like keep my club

But he like came across the hall Seek you out Remember standing right there and I was like what the fuck just happened That obviously wasn't in like a VIP section like that, but that was even more so though Cuz in the VIP it would be like that, but that was like even more so though. Because in the VIP, it would be like he's somebody's somebody. Like I said, I'm Sway, I know everybody, I'm just going to act like it

or make it look like I do so I don't look like a dick, but in the lobby you could be a fucking driver for all he knows. A podcast, just be who you are. I could be a guy who kind of snuck in to interview Nikolai Koster-Waldau. That would probably be our big thing is sneaking into serious to interview people.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like that Danny DeVito interview? Would never have happened. We just kind of like, you know, like Bogarted our way into that thing. This career? Yeah. Yeah.

It's a much more of a macro answer. Like some of the pussy I've burrowed my way into. How'd you get into this VIP pussy, man? I don't know. I just tricked you with some jokes. Yeah. My answer is my life. This job.

What I do for a living, I have just acted the part, and no one's kicked me out just yet. Give it some time. But advertisements are down pretty bad, so we'll see. and no one's kicked me out just yet. Give it some time. Advertisements are down pretty bad, so we'll see. Dude, I had a very funny moment this weekend. This girl says to me, clearly kind of like looking at me,

squinting their eyes, like I know who that is, and finally goes, she goes like, wait, this is weird. But where did you used to work? And I was like, Deloitte? Like, where did I used to work prior to this? And so I couldn't tell if she meant, like, I know you from Barstool or I thought you worked at Barstool.

You know, whatever. She knew something. And here I am doing the usual kind of like, it's Barool you're gonna figure it out in a second and she goes did you ever work for zoc doc and i was like chopped down at the knees like no i fucking didn't she eventually put it together and was like oh that's where i know you from but you do look like this guy i know who used to work for ZocDoc. I think she worked in the pharmaceutical field too. But I mean, when you get recognized, it's one of these awkward things where it's like you are recognizing me from something.

So there is this level of recognition, notoriety, fame, whatever you want to call it. So there is a little bit of like a, you know. I'm going to play it cool. Yeah. So, yeah, you think you know me. You might know me. Zoc Doc?

No, no, no. Sorry. No, not at all. Not Zoc Doc. Dude, I had that with a, not that, the exact opposite. But when I went to the Barstool vs. America happy hour in Boston, and I was getting a drink at the bar, and I could feel this girl. I mean, she was literally the girl right next to me.

And I was standing right to my left, or maybe a few people down, but to my left, there was a TV with, I forget what game it was on, Rangers, the Rangers played in the first round, right? And I could feel her, like, getting closer, kind of like doing angles and stuff like that. And I was like, God, my fat head must really be blocking this TV. Like, she can't see anything. And I was like, she's, like, working.

It was the least subtle thing ever. And it was right at the start of the happy hour. And I finally turned and looked at her. She's like, it is you. Vital Bird? And I was like, you're at a Barstool happy hour? Yeah. What are you so surprised?

All of us are from Barstool. We're in Boston at a Barstool Sports happy hour. That was so shocking that I'm here. At the same place i was at that night i actually met a new fan and he said to me he like uh just want to interrupt real quick said i'm a new listener of just two and a half months and i said oh like that's interesting where like where'd you find us from and he just said youtube i was like it's fucking working he was like yeah man one of the first episodes i listened to was uh like you and your producers

like yelling about how we got to be on YouTube and you got to grow the subscribers. And he then said, what did he say? It was one of those backhanded things. It's such a pain in the ass to hear that we have new listeners. I know. It's like, fuck, we got to perform for them. They don't know all the references. It's like all the old stuff we got to talk about.

I know. How do you use the toilet paper? Do you ball it up? Is this a hot dog or a sandwich? What the fuck are you doing getting new listeners on this stupid show? We don't even have ads! He said... He said...

Roughly, we had about 1.6 million new listeners last month. Last month? Last month. Holy fuck. This show sucks. He said, he goes like, I just like you and Farnberg because you guys are the, you guys are like the, what do you say? He goes, you guys are like the odd, the odd couple, the odd ones of Barstool.

I was like, he just eventually was basically being like, you're not the rich ones. He was like, you guys are just like the regular ones who laugh about dicks and farts. You're not on the high levels. Thanks, bro. Yeah, that's us. Alright, next question. What's up, guys? First off, Nashville show.

Awesome. Great night. One of the most fun nights we've had in a while. Are you guys selectively picking these? Yeah, you are. Okay. Don't wait that. And we go back and forth on this for hours and hours on end. The question is, if all animals and insects and basically all living things decided to turn on the human race at the same time,

how long until every single one of us are dead? So we're talking birds dive-bombing from the sky, taking them out, taking out airplanes. Obviously, anybody in the ocean, you're done right away. Basically, anybody in Africa is done right away. All animals, insects, spiders climbing out of everywhere

just all decide to take down humans at the same time. How long until all humans are dead the problem appreciate it is the by by week's end the bugs and less than i was gonna say hour hour 45 because i think we just get like the amount of just like sheer like we be swarmed and swallowed yeah by bugs let alone and then like okay yeah like the fucking lions come like barreling down into the city just pawing people up and shit but i yeah like the fucking lions come like barreling down into the city just pawing people up and shit but i think like the the rats and the bugs and the vermin and the disease

and all that smaller ones yeah and and like we would probably like it would take a minute to be like have you heard reports that like the rats are turning on people in new york and then they're like wait it's happening in dc too and then it're like, wait, it's happening in D.C. too. And then it's like, how do you mobilize our army against, like, shoot rats? Yeah, like, you're trying to kill the animals, you're gonna kill, like, the humans, like, you have to blow up the zoos really quick. Yeah. Really quick, once you realize what's going on,

nuke the zoos. And deal with, like, the parameter, like, the collateral damage. But I really, I think that would be pretty easy. Cause there's not many of them. Like there's someone with a fucking AR-15. It's the fucking like, like,

cause you can't hide. Right. Like we can't, we can't barricade ourselves in this room from the rats and the mice. Yeah. There's no, uh, Jackie is horrified right now.

You don't have like a front to like defend. There's no like, this is our side. This is your side. They're just already everywhere. You can't say this shit. They're fucking coming up the toilet. Oh, the snake's coming out in Florida.

Did you guys see the fucking bats flying into the house? No, but see, that's a problem too. A swarm of like a thousand bats flew down a single house's chimney. Went into the house? Yeah. And just like came out? No, no. They're swarming and they're going in.

But then they come out of the house in your interview? I never saw that. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, that's not good. There was an article written many moons ago. We blogged it, I think. Where it was like, if spiders wanted, they could eat us all in a year. Yeah.

Yes, yeah. If spiders work together, they can eat all humans in a year. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Okay. If spiders work together, they can eat all humans in a year. That's... And that's just spiders. That's just spiders. And again, how do you kill them with like... But also, this is... Dude, this is the fucking...

This is a threat I issued to the spiders at that time. Come get some. Come get some, bro. Yeah. Why'd you do that? Because they're fucking cowards. It's been five years. Haven't made a single move on them. Well, it's been fucking millions of years

with spiders. It's been five years since that was issued. You guys know, bitch. I want to be very clear. I looked on the barrel of the camera right now. Spiders, come get some. Don't have your fucking PR people put out articles like that. If spiders wanted, yeah, if I wanted, I could go people put out articles like that. If spiders wanted, they...

Yeah, if I wanted, I could go fucking knock out fucking Mike Tyson. I can say that. Yeah, I can say that until I show up on Iron Mike's doorstep. Who gives a fuck? I can say whatever the fuck I want. Spiders can eat us all in a year. Bitch, come get some. Prove it!

Okay, how about this? If the animals were to rebel which and you could draft one species to fight on your side against the animals kind of like the french and indian war we're going to team up with these fucking other guys here to fight this one enemy which animals would you want uh maybe bats bats might be there I don't know What are we numbering at

On the planet Because bats They're good at fucking Eating all the insects and shit True But they're also Only nocturnal You can't fight during the day with them

A billion A billion bats Okay I'm going to take I'm going to take like The Like fire ants. Ants that can fight.

How many ants are there in the world? It takes so many ants. One quadrillion. How many fire ants though? Fire ants. I don't even know what one quadrillion means. It's one with 15 zeros after it. A billion is nine zeros.

That was very quick. Well, it said it right there. I'd be a fucking loser. I'm like, what? Because I think that they would just literally, like, okay, ready? Ready? Think about this. Oh, bees might be good.

The bees. Bees. Wait, wait, wait. Go back. Is that 350 stings, I think, to kill a human? 350 stings to kill a human, yeah. Okay, so quadrillion of them. 350, wait, wait. Go back. Is that 350 stings, I think, to kill a human? 350 stings to kill a human, yeah. Okay, so quadrillion of them. 350 could go like this.

Right up your leg. You know what I mean? Sting, you're done. Like that. Remember the movie The Money? You're not fighting humans. Remember the movie? Okay.

How am I going to stop if there's quadrillions? Like, you can kind of hit, but they're just coming up. But you're not fighting humans. Talking about ants. Yeah, yeah, just coming up. But you're not fighting humans. I'm talking about ants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But why are you... Oh, you're saying you don't want to fight them.

So that's why you're taking them off the list. That's why you're choosing to fight with them. Yeah, how badass they are. But I'm also thinking, like, yeah, I could send them after anything. I think they just, like, overwhelm things. I think the problem with the ants is they don't have organization. I would be the coach, the logistic. Oh, I think I would argue that ants have more don't have organization. I would be the coach. The logistical.

I would argue that ants have more organization than almost any other. You're right. So that's also why I want them. They need the motivation. They need to be turned on to fight. They need to go to fight mode. I'm going to break them down and build them back up like Jason Bourne. This is going to be like Treadstone.

I'm going to turn the fire ants into an army of murderers. Birds, I think I would pick. Birds do some good eating. Wait, did I say species? Yeah, so if I get birds, I get all the birds? I think I'm taking birds. Does the bat count? No, I think that's separate. I might be taking birds too, then.

Yeah, because birds have... You get 400 billion of these motherfuckers, including millions of hawks, millions of eagles, millions of whatevers that are just I think it's almost cheating to be able to take it, but by letter of the law, if you can get them all, yeah, you gotta take birds. Yeah, we've done this, wait a minute, we've done this before. We've absolutely done this.

I thought you could do that. I thought that was in reference to the fact that we always have to do old stuff again. Yeah, because it was like, you could pick two, I believe, right? Yeah. And they gave you like ten. It was like the start of like, choose two, everyone two, I believe, right? Yeah. And they gave you like ten. It was like the start of like, choose two, everyone else is coming after you. Right.

It was a great deal. And people have since done that with movie characters and TV characters and stuff like that. But this was, I think, the first, like, you picked two. You know what we're going to do for the summer? One's a hunter with a gun. Yeah, yeah. Like a guy with a gun versus like all of the birds in the world or whatever. It's like, get the fuck out of here.

But it's like an old musket. Yeah, it looks like the guy from Jumanji. Yeah. that long ass gun we should do something how many viewers we have 1.6 million that were new last week uh yeah last month last month there were 3.6 total million but new new people knew about 1.6 okay this summer might be every now and then maybe every episode we going to do a segment for the 1.6, and it'll be an old thing like that that people have not yet heard us do. Because those are good material. Yeah. We've done them before, but there are so many new people

who haven't heard us do. Which pill would you take? How about the one that just gives you happiness? All the other things are to try to get happy. I think they have that. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Also, I'm not taking that one. See, this is why we've got to do Yeah. I'm not taking that one.

See, this is what we've got to do with it. We'll do the pills next week. One has superpowers. One has... You can never get fat. For the 1.6, we'll do something new every summer. Every week for the summer. Every episode, we'll do something for you guys.

But I think this is a little bit different with this one because it's like all of us, I think getting all of the ants you guys. But, but I think this is a little bit different with this one because it's like all of us, I think getting all of the ants would help. But again, the air, you know, ultimately no,

not a single ant can kill a bird. I don't care how much they organize. The birds are. I think that path he's looking us up. I think if you go fish, then you stay in the water. Bugs can't get to you. And then they all.

So you're like playing defense. You're playing defense. You're just saying the water. But that's pretty, I mean, like how long can I stay in the water for?ugs can't get to you. And then they all... You're playing defense. How long can I stay in the water for? Tread. Get a little floaty. I don't know. Just get a floaty. Forever? Until the war is over?

Get a boat, you broke bitch. Guess what? When I'm in the water, I'm not... When I'm on a boat, I'm not in the water anymore. So the bugs can get me. No. No, but the bugs just don't let any bugs

on your boat. No, dude. Bugs will come in through the fucking... You can't keep bugs out. Yes, you can. No, you can't. Because our fish,

my army of fish are eating the bugs. Then you have like five ants on your boat. My army of fish aren't in the boat with me. They're in the water that the birds...

Correct. The bugs have to go through. But bugs fly. You still got stuff in the water that's against you to go through. Correct, but bugs fly. You still got stuff in the water that's against you, though. Submarine! Aren't whales and dolphins and mammals? Did none of you guys think of flying bugs? Not in the middle of the ocean, but even still,

okay, fine, I put a fucking net up. I'll live on, like, if I get a yacht. I have to get a yacht. I have to get a dope boat. Now, what he's saying is more true. Like, if you take fish, you don't have sharks, you're dead. I'm assuming I am now Aquaman. I am now the ruler of the sea. I am Triton.

King Triton with his staff, whatever. I have a yacht, and I am on that yacht, and I have, like, almost like a dome doming on my boat. It's like the bugs are not getting to me,

and I'm just chilling with all my boys under the water. Under the sea! Last voicemail, brought to you by nobody. It's our number one longest running thing here at Barstool Sports is the Barstool voicemail hotline. Now it's the video voicemail submission. It is probably, I would argue, the best interactive segment on the internet

of the last decade. We have dozens of thousands, tens of thousands of calls that people call up and desperately want to interact with us and be a part of you and your brand. It's brought to you by nobody. Hey, Kev. Hi, everybody on the

chat, love you guys. So, I didn't have trouble falling asleep like my whole life, and then I reached like my mid-twenties, and it was fucking hard to sleep. I don't tell you that. Or whatever. And with that comes really weird dreams that I've been

having, like I had a sex dream about Pete Davidson, and then last night I incidentally had a sex dream about Pete Davidson and then last night I incidentally had a sex dream about you guys and I'm like do I listen to the podcast too much now but um yeah it was interesting um knowledge is up to me knowledge is up to each other

to dream I guess but so my question is what if any what's the weirdest sex dream you've had? Like, random people, random situations, and you woke up and you're like, what the fuck was that? We need more details from her.

Why are you being so gay in this chick's dream, dude? Have you ever had a dream about fucking me? Have I had a dream about fucking you? Yeah. Unfortunately, I have not. I bet you I've dream dream about fucking me? Have I had a dream about fucking you? Unfortunately, I have not. I bet you I've dreamt about fucking you. Really? I don't remember it, but there's got to be.

Bro, you dream about fucking everything. I don't dream that much. That's what I mean. I don't have a lot of sex dreams. That is the biggest load of horse shit of all time. It's not. That means it didn't happen then. That is the biggest load of horse shit of all time. It's not. That means it didn't happen then. That's not true.

It's the only thing. That's like I got drunk and blacked out. No. Whatever happened didn't happen. No, because that happened in reality. Well, it's happened in your brain. No, it didn't. If I don't remember it, then it didn't happen.

It's literally the only place it could have happened. And if that place doesn't remember it, then it didn't happen. That's such a cut. People always say that. Like, oh, you have dreams. You just remember them. Well, then I'm the only person who can talk about them. So if I didn't have them, then they're not real.

If I, like, strapped you into, like, a test and, like, we saw that there was brain activity and you woke up and couldn't remember it, you would just be like, nothing happened. I mean, that's fine. It's brain activity. There's heart activity, too. It's just not producing things that I remember. But if they told you, like, this is the part of the brain

that's active when you're dreaming, you just didn't remember it, you would just say no? I mean, I'd be feel like that's not a dream that my brain is working I don't doubt that my brain is active while I'm asleep but like a dream is a fucking something but what if there's like a dream is a dream is a story told by your brain that you

remember is a dream is a wish that your heart makes when you're fast asleep shout out Cinderella but what if I told you that there was like a part of the brain that is only active when you're dreaming? I'd be like, that's not. Then it didn't work. Then that's not true.

It didn't work. Whatever, yeah. This must be the part of the brain that no one knows anything about because you're all fucking idiots. It's an interesting philosophical question. It's like if a tree falls in the woods. Right. Which I don't get that one. It's like, why do I need to hear a tree falling for it to have fallen?

Well, no, it doesn't mean, that doesn't mean, it's, if a tree falls in the woods without anyone, it doesn't make a sound. It doesn't make a sound, right, now that it didn't happen. Right, right, right, yeah, so this is, this is the, that is the exact version of it. It's like, if a dream happened, but nobody even remembers it, did it happen? I know, I, I, I would, I guess it did not happen. There's no, the black, the black, I think, because like, the black other people would be like, yeah, no, we saw you. It happened. We were there.

I'm the only person who can report on this story. So something needs a witness to have happened? Or at least a memory. Even if the witness is the only person who was there. But no, because something can happen in the middle of the woods. If nobody's there, it still happened. I guess. Yeah. happen in the middle of the woods if nobody's there it still happened i guess yeah you know

it's like like nobody saw this like let's say tree fall again but there's at least evidence there's evidence yeah there's evidence yeah yeah there's nothing there's no evidence that i had a dream last night but unless but it but but if it was brain activity of some sort you wouldn't that's not enough evidence for you no because i would be like yeah like i'm not saying my brain died last night my brain sure was doing stuff. Yeah. I don't know enough about it, but I bet your brain is totally dormant and then firing, and that means there's some sort of... You are dreaming in some way. I've been having nightmares like a motherfucker.

Nightmares I've never had before where I am trying desperately to wake up to the point that I'm half asleep, half not point that I'm like half asleep, half not. And I'm like, scream, like start making noise. Like someone will wake you up. Like, you know, my kids were here. I was sleeping out, sleeping at my mom's house over the weekend. I'm like, somebody will like wake you up and get you out of this. And so I'm probably in my sleep going like, ah, I'm not like cohesive enough to be coherent enough to be like, help. So I'm probably just like squawking. But man, I wake up and I'm like tired. enough to be coherent enough to be like, help. So I'm probably just like squawking. But man, I wake up and I'm like tired.

Like my muscles are tired because I think I'm like tense for hours, hours. That sounds healthy. They don't tell you. That's one of those things. We should make a list. Write a book. Like you know that like, you know, when you get older, jobs are going to suck. But they don't really tell you that.

You could be a normal-ass person. You're going to have trouble sleeping. That sucks. You're going to be a normal-ass person. You're going to have anxiety. You don't have to be clinically depressed to have big-time anxiety when you're an adult. Things like that. I was like, I'll be fine.

This is fine. No, you won't. No, it's going to suck. And you're going to need melatonin or fucking whatever, all that shit. Those melly dreams can get wild. Anyway, I totally fucked you in that dream, bro. I had a dream once. I think she said weirdest sex dream, whatever.

I had a dream once when I was in elementary school with my elementary school girlfriend that we were having sex. And she was an alien. And a, like, tail. Tentacle? Like, tentacle kind of came out of her ass, I think it was. Hey, let's go. What a fucking disgusting creep he is. And then it opened, like, almost like Demogorgon style.

Yeah. And then it grabbed my dick, and that pulled me in. Into her ass? Yeah. Not just my dick, not my whole body. That's cool. Dude, it still haunts me to this day. That's almost like, have you ever seen?

I think the only reason that the tentacle came out of her ass is that I just don't understand. I don't and still didn't understand sex. I don't think I knew what hole it went. Like the body was like, let me grab it and put it in for you. It was probably like fifth grade. It reminds me of when planes ref grab it and put it in for you. It was, bro, like fifth grade. It reminds me of like when planes refuel while they're still in the air. They have that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Or like a lot of spacecrafts do that too. Yeah, that's weird for fifth grade, bro. Dude, I should turn around like that, like, oops. Sorry, my fucking alien tentacle just sucked your dick into my ass. Suck your dick into my ass is a hotline. I want to suck your dick into my ass. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. I want to blow you with my ass. I mean, I've probably dreamt about fucking everything and everybody. You know? I don't think I have, dude. Yeah, I mean, I bet I have. At any moment, I'd probably fuck Pabst. I mean I bet I have I bet at any moment I'd probably fuck Pabst I'd fuck all you guys

that are in my dreams whatever anybody who can't admit that they're gay in their dreams is fucking gay if you can't admit that you're gay in your dreams you are a poof

alright interview time this double interview Jeremiah Watkins and then after that it's Jeremiah plus Ari, where we have the interview with Jeremiah is great. But when we get Ari together with him, it's like Captain Planet, all of our powers combined. And we have a lot of a lot of funny shit. And it builds perfectly with last week's appearance from Mike Cannon talking about Rusty Kip, Kip Rusty Walker, who had the greatest finale of all time. If you haven't listened to that yet, stop this.

Go listen to Mike Cannon on KC Radio. Also watch his special. Then you'll learn about the legend of Kip Rusty Walker. Come back and watch this one. It all comes together. They also have a big Tina connection, too. Oh, yeah. There's a misconnection.

There's a mislove connection that we're going to try to... Ari went hot about that one. He was mad about that misconnection. And just some good philosophical talks and memory. John Pukes, one of the most disgusting pranks. Not pranks, but bets. One of the most disgusting bets I've ever heard someone lose and go through. Just a good old-fashioned Ari Shafir, like, holy shit fest.

So, it's Ari and Jeremiah on KFC Radio. Brought to you by, say it with me, guys. Nobody! So, go get your tickets to Chicago. I think there's only like, I think there's like 50 left. We're basically sold out from our show in Chicago. We haven't even really plugged it yet. So shout out to you guys.

You fucking repped like Philly should have. Sold that shit out real fast. I'm already in contact. I spoke to our agent. I'm going to try to get a spot down in Ocean City area in Maryland for the weekend of the Pop Punk Music Festival. That festival is banging, dude. It's got Dave Matthews and OAR and Lumineers.

Not Questlove. Alanis Morissette. And then Pop Punk. Cage the Elephant. Like major names in Ocean City, Maryland, the weekend of October 1st and 2nd. So we're going to try to do a show that Thursday night, I think September 29th.

So if you're in the DMV area, Ocean City, Maryland, wherever that exactly is. I don't know the area too well. Get at us. What venue do you want us to go to? Make sure it's big enough and we will come through and do a show to kick off that weekend which would be awesome. Let's get to our interview. Let's do it!

Woo! Jeremiah Jeremiah Watkins in the building. Yeah. Yeah. Let's get to our interview. Let's do it! Jeremiah Watkins in the building. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go. Coming in hot. Let's do it. Let's go, man.

Let's go. I was crying walking to work today, so I need better energy. Why are you crying walking to work? I don't know. I think I'm on my period. I think I was reading a, it was literally a tweet about two hockey players. Oh, well, hockey makes you gay. Hockey brings out the gay in John big time.

It was. Let me just ask you this. If this is very, very sweet between two adult men who play with clubs. Okay. These are not like regular dudes who just play men's league hockey. No, no, no. It's Patrice Bergeron and Milan Lucic. Okay. And

Milan Lucic, the advanced statistics, the advanced analysis always says... I'm already crying. The advanced statistics is so heartfelt. They always say that he's a bad hockey player. Okay. All the time, right? They crush him. They're like, he sucks. I don't know why he's still in the league. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he was asked

because they're, do you think that they're a good stat? And he said, I think they're really dumb, but I'm happy they exist because it means Patrice Bergeron gets appreciated more. I was like, oh, that's just really sweet. That made you cry? I said, almost tear up. You started with, I was crying on my way to work.

Which one is it? I tweeted that it almost made me tear up. You're in rough shape, man. You're drinking Pedialyte, almost crying. Revitalize, sir! Revitalize! We have water now, but we haven't had water in this office for like six months.

Let me tell you something about this place. Okay. By the way, way bigger than I thought. Yeah, no, this is obscenely big. It's almost too big. It's like there's thousands of people here. It's definitively too big. There's how many people here today.

Usually there's no one here. Yeah. Somebody asked me if I wanted merch when I walked in. You can take whatever you want in this place. People here don't believe in the idea that water comes from a faucet. If it's not in a bottle of water, people will just sit here and die of thirst. I drank some from the faucet this morning. It's great from the faucet.

It's got that little bit of Penny's taste in it. It builds up your immunity. It's got some germs in you. Maybe kind of put your mouth on the faucet this morning. It's great from the faucet. It's got that little bit of Penny's taste in it. It builds up your immunity. It's got some germs in you. Maybe kind of put your mouth on the faucet. Were you that kid in school? The lips on the water fountain? I'm deep-throating that shit, man. There was

always one water fountain that I would be willing to walk the extra hallway to get to where it was frosty. It's got good distance on it. Good stream. Good strong stream on it. And then there were the ones, though, that were just like, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.

They were just bubbling out. And I would be like, I'm thirsty, man. Sorry. And the kids would be like, one, two, tap it on my shoulder. I'd be like, get off me. I'm sucking on this fucking spanking. Kevin's really going to town on that.

Because nobody's coming by and is like, I don't need to clean this one. It would honestly spill out of the sides of your mouth. Because you couldn't really get your mouth.

You couldn't close it enough. So basically, it was... I mean, I've seen videos nowadays of exactly what I was like. So that was me at the Driscoll Ice Rink.

Every single time. That loud slurp that every... I've seen videos nowadays of exactly what I was like. So that was me at the Driscoll Ice Rink. Yep. Every single time. That loud slurp that every... And then, like, you would come up, and people would think you'd be done. You'd go back down for more. You just got to come up for some air and get back in on that. You'd always know who the kid who hadn't come out yet,

he'd be like, hmm. It's, like, perfect. There's no spillage whatsoever. You're like, wait, that guy's really good at that. It is great, because it was like, I would bet kids these days go to school with like a water bottle. But our parents weren't raised on water, so they didn't think to give us water. This is my swell that I brought. My daughter has like a, yeah, we send her every day with like a, you know, like a thermos type thing.

Like we put ice in it. It stays cold all day. We send her every day with like a, you know, like a thermos type thing. Like we put ice in it. It stays cold all day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We send her to school. Her lunch is in a bag with an ice pack. You know, I'm like, I used to eat warm ass cold cuts every day. And I used to suck on a water fountain. Now my kid has icy cold water all day long and a cold ass sandwich.

It's crazy. I would do a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and put an orange in it so she could throw it at me and tell me to go fuck my son. And then by the time I got to that sandwich it was fucking mashed around. Peel it off around the orange. But like, I don't know why, I guess

I think, I'm like, my daughter's so spoiled with these basic things like cold water and fresh food. It's like, maybe we should have gotten a little bit better. I don't know. Like here's your – The melted ham and cheese where it's like already pancaked by the time you get to it. And that's – the universal smell of lunchboxes.

Yeah. No matter what you had and I had, like enough peanut butter and jelly with enough bologna with enough blah, blah, blah just becomes the lunchbox smell. And then it's – it just smells that way forever. Did you have a good enough lunch where kids would want to trade with you? I would have a good enough snacks. My house was like the Wild West with soda and snacks and treats and desserts. Like my lunch was always pretty standard, regular sandwiches, whatever.

But my snacks, like other kids' snacks would be like an apple. And I'm rolling up with like donuts and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is where it's at. That's what I'm talking about. I was trading for like drugs. You can have my snack. Give me an eight ball.

You get a donut here, man. I was always the king of that and like Gushers and Fruit by the Foot and Fruit Roll-Ups. Yes. It was cool. Kool-Aid, Cool Burst drinks and all that. The actual meal, never that good. And you know what?

That's pretty much the way I am this year. Yeah. This is my life. It molded up with you. Yeah, big time. Especially recently, dinner is just like I need to eat enough food to justify dessert. To get to the dessert. Yeah.

Like, okay, I think I've had a few bites of protein. Now it's a pint of ice cream. The ice cream is out of control, John. I just started. I'm new to ice cream. What do you? I know. It's weird. What do you mean you're pint of ice cream. The ice cream is out of control, John. I just started. I'm new to ice cream. What do you – I know. It's weird.

What do you mean you're new to ice cream? As much of a – I'm a hardcore sweet tooth guy. You look like the most American male and you're like, I've never heard of this ice cream. I never ate it. I just never ate it. And then I discovered Haagen-Dazs caramel cone. Like growing up, it was always just kind of like chocolate or vanilla. Then I just never realized how many fucking bomb-ass flavors there are.

Now that I got caramel cone. Have you ever been to Baskin Robbins before? Yeah. No, I've been, but I just never really dabbled in. I like cookie dough, but even cookie dough, there was never enough cookie dough in it for me. This is exciting, man. This is like you're watching Game of Thrones for the first time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're getting to try all these ice creams for the first time.

But here's the thing. I started dabbling in fish food and all the classic Ben & Jerry's things, and they're fine. Fish food isn't fine. Fish food is fucking divine. It's fine to me. This caramel cone, man. I think about it 24-7 food is fucking divine. It's fine to me. This caramel cone, man. I think about it 24-7.

It's crazy. It's a pint every time. I'm ordering it. I'm fucking getting it delivered. I went the other day, and I got a quart of it from Haagen-Dazs. They can pack a pint, and they also had a quart there, and I was like, can I have a quart, please? I think the guy was like, you want a quart? Okay.

I almost wanted him to just give me the big thing. He starts asking. So he's like, so yeah, you throwing a party or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have like 12 or 15 people coming over? No, it's just a single depressed man in his apartment all alone. That's all. But yeah, man, it's like I was already getting too fat,

and now the ice cream is – but I'm not going to stop myself. So whatever. There we go. We're in it. We're in it, man. You got to live. but I'm not going to stop myself so whatever there we go we're in it we're in it man you gotta live I went through a phase last year where I was doing I was doing some bad stuff

where like I was doing I was like I was a scientist where I would get I would get like a fucking anything but a kitchen sink or like a half baked

or something that was full of half baked is the one too much stuff and then I would also melt peanut butter in the microwave. And then I'd put that in and mix it all up. So don't you judge me, bro. I went through a bad phase.

I came out the other end. Yeah, you're looking at a recovered addict. I'll say, you've got to get your life together. If you're the recovery, I don't know. You're still waking up. This is what you could look like. Be excited about that. Anytime

John's the after photo, I'm not sure about this. What if I don't like the after more than the before? What motivation do I have to do this? Oh, man, that's great. What are your vices? I don't trust anyone who doesn't have a vice. I mean, food, definitely.

You look fat. Masturbation. Porn addiction. Add it to the list. I told this before. I got kicked out of college, and my dad was like, the first question he asked,

are you addicted to porn? Your dad asked you that? I was like, dude, why don't we start with booze and drugs asked, are you addicted to porn? And I was like, your dad asked you that? And I was like, I was like, dude, why don't we start with booze and drugs? Why do you go to porn right away? Do you look at me

and you think I'm such a fucking pussy that there's no chance I'm an alcoholic or a drug addict? No, it spins on for you. It spins on for you.

Maybe he looked, he was like, I know that my son can handle booze and drugs. There must be something weird going on. He's a final bird. There's no way

he's that much of a pussy. He must be a pervert. What's going on? He's a Feidelberg. There's no way he's that much of a pussy. He must be a pervert. What's going on? He's one of the other in our family, son. Did you hang up your mom or your dad? The recessive genes say. So what I love about Scissor Bros is it might be the weirdest goddamn thing on the internet. And it's very underground still.

And yeah, it's very bizarre. I think the internet lost its weird. Yeah. You know? Oh, yeah, yeah. The internet used to be for weirdos. Yeah, it used to be the rabbit hole of weird. Yeah, and that was what was cool about it.

And now it went mainstream, dude. I was on the internet before it was cool dude you know it was like so now so many people are on it for fucking you know their own money and fame and politics and arguing and all that shit and i just want to get back but get back to weird shit dude and you got we tried to do the weird and the silly on that yeah that is uh yeah that is uh uh no no fear man you guys just do everything and we go for it yeah i was about to say no shame i went with no fear instead there's a lot of shame on the show we film stuff and i'm like we literally look at each other like can we put this out like can we like is this does instagram ever uh like suppress your shit because it gets so weird or no yeah instagram is shame tiktok uh as well they're real weird about um

even if you censor stuff they'll pull it from tiktok and it's like really which is so weird i'm like i spent the time to freaking put the the boxer on my friend's butthole i mean what more do you want community guidelines come on what are we doing here? I put the censored up. Kids can watch this. It's also, to me, it's like they should judge intent. You know what I mean? Like this is goofy, weird. This is just guys being dudes, you know? There should be somebody more chill rather than AI who's judging it. You know what I mean?

Like somebody like a dude named Carl that's like, I mean, that's pretty funny right now. Zuckerberg needs to hire some weird custodian guy who's seen it all to be like, well, it's funny. It's his butthole. Yeah, yeah. Come on.

But someone who's trying to be cool and too edgy, like, well, you know, those guys get banned, but these guys, let them run wild. Well, I never understand. There's OnlyFans girls

who get away with crazy stuff on Instagram and TikTok, and then it's my buddy who he just pranked me. I went to the bathroom and then we had our other buddy filming. He was facing face down into the bed completely

naked when I walked back in. And then I took a shoe and I started hitting him with it and they banned that on TikTok. I'm like, that's innocent. That's just good, clean fun. I was just looking at an Instagram girl that I'm like, dude, that's innocent. That's just good, clean fun. Come on, what are we doing? Yeah, I mean, I was just looking at an Instagram girl that I'm happy it's not banned, but I'm like, how is this on my timeline?

Right, right, right. It's like, I have to excuse myself to the bathroom right now. Like, this is crazy. That's unfortunate when it's like, it's in the middle of the day and you're like, well, why you do this to me? Time to master me. I've said that before where I have people on Instagram where it's like, it doesn't even matter what they post.

It's like, I saw their name and I was like, oh, God. The brain just gets good. You come when you see the handle of the time. Thought I muted you, son of a bitch.

Dang it. Yeah, you know you think someone's hot when they affect your productivity. You're so hot, I can't work, bitch. That's what you know.

I put the Instagram blog, this is not allowed nine to five. And his calendar just says me time. You're like, what is this? So you got Scissor Bros and then Stand Up on the Spot, I've never seen, I've only seen clips of it,

but that is one of the more impressive things I've seen any of you guys do. I mean, you have the best of the best on there, so I'm not surprised they can do it. But for a whole industry that usually has routines, and I know crowd work is big and all that shit,

but to just put people literally on the spot. I tell comics and the audience, I stress it, I'm like, this is the hardest show in comedy. It just is. I wouldn't agree to do it. Anybody who does it and does well at it, I'm like, you should like be stoked that they're allowing us to release this. Like, this is like an edgy thing.

Right. I was actually going to ask that. Are there people who just bomb and you're ever like. Yeah. There's stuff like every once in a while we'll like, like, I mean the, the sets I have, everybody do a little bit longer set than what's actually going to show up like on the episode. And then if it's really, really bad, bad like if they if they want to take anything they want taken out i said you know yeah they get 100 creative control as far as like what gets taken

out so yeah i make sure that they're comfortable before i release anything do most people like give it a once over or like are they cool yeah no there's some people who as soon as like like i'm shaking their hand when i come to the stage, they're like, you can use all of that. And I'm like, yeah, baby. Let's work for me. I love it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I can understand you got to protect your work and all that stuff.

But if you're going to do it, do it, right? Let it rip. Yeah, I mean, the people who do the show end up, I'm like, in some ways, I'm like, I think it's even better than a podcast appearance for stand-ups because i'm like you're showing the audience what they're gonna expect from you if you show up to a gig in their city like you're you're seeing and you're not burning material right yeah because i mean there are definitely people we've met along the way that are great at comedy and not so great at podcasting dude great at podcasting and not so great at comedy entirely totally some of the funniest comics ever you get them in a room and then they're like super awkward yeah yeah they can't carry a conversation yeah it's like oh you are just like a savant when it comes to punch lines and then other guys who

you know you think of the funniest people in the world but then when they got to hit a punch line it's like oh those guys are always like pretty funny but it's it just doesn't match up yeah but that that's a cool in between where it's like a little bit of the best of both worlds yeah how long do people go for so i usually have people do sets of like uh seven to ten minutes and then i join them on stage for like uh three to five minutes and where we take suggestions together and that's like very riffy yeah yeah kind of kind of more of like uh anybody who like does a lot of podcasts i'm like they thrive like really well when i go back up with them just because we're bouncing off each other and stuff like that so when they go out for seven to ten they are taking crowd suggestions or

they're all audience suggestions so it's kind of like improv yeah oh yeah for sure and then i tell them uh i'm like if you don't like the suggestion like skip it or say i don't like that i'm like you have control so like there's like don't force yourself to talk about something you don't want to talk about right right i feel so much pressure i'll do it all i don't fuck right all right yeah i'll take every single one of you well we we got introduced to middle-ditching sports um what like a few years ago now have you seen that i mean they're they're they're improv special it was like you know improv has like a little bit of a stigma of being like you know dorky when it's done well it's really cool it's done well it's like the coolest shit i've ever seen really impressive you know, beyond any other type of comedy I've ever watched.

It's like, oh, this is way different than, you know, like the, it's always like a trope in a TV show or something like that. Sure. But they're like comedic geniuses when you get going like that. Seven to 10 minutes where you just are out there. Yeah. You don't know what's going to happen. That's the longest 10 minutes of someone's life if they're not, you know, there.

Oh, for sure. It feels like an eternity. Can I get another suggestion? Right, right, right. You know, you're going on to the next one yeah yeah yeah um so so when when you're speaking of like the internet the weird rabbit hole like yeah were you a weird internet like what how old are you uh 33 yeah so you're writing like the same you know oh dude i mean i grew up like with the jackass era and stuff like that and that's what's been cool is like we've had like we had weman and rick costick on one of the episodes and like just to do stuff like just in that realm we had zach ass from the most recent uh jackass movie and uh it's just cool to collaborate with

those kind of guys who are just wanting to be silly and stupid and they're not worried about looking cool absolutely i'm like that's like that's what we lost comedy like that is something that is very big in stand-up on both female and male sides right now is this persona

of still wanting to be cool to the audience and I'm like, I'm a moron. I'm an idiot and I love being silly and stupid.

You know what I mean? I don't know. It doesn't matter to me. I'm not like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

right, right. Hey man, it's great to be thanks so much for having me man I really I love your content guys I really appreciate what you're putting out

in the world man I'm like oh I was talking about tits and jerking off as you just mentioned Jackass I just started laughing at myself

just thinking about in the latest movie where they smush their dicks into those into whatever those things were that one that one made me like I'm like how are houses not like well your dick is malleable man dick is pretty the dick and we'll be and ball sack oh not the balls the ball sack is impenetrable i i mean

i could show you a thing or two My ball sack is like freaking, yeah. This is like the third episode in a row we talk about our ball sack. I know, we keep talking about the ball sack. Because it's amazing. Maybe fourth. It's amazing. Not just about them as well, but like about trying to injure them.

And every time I grab it in front of them, I'm like, what? What? I couldn't tell you. Seriously. I had a buddy in high school. He's like, you want to see the IMAX? I'm like, what are you talking about?

He would lay down and he'd go, he had the stretchiest sack ever. Two hands where he would legit go like this and you're like, what is happening right now? IMAX. Dude, I feel like ball sack is one of those things from like a Billy Mays commercial. You can stretch it. You can mold it. Wow, look at the resistance on it.

Oh, God. You got a leaky toilet? You can plug it up with ball resistance on it. Oh, God. You got a leaky toilet? You can plug it up with ball sack on it. Not for kids under the age of 12. Oh, man. Seriously, I said make the plane out of the ball sack. Make everything out of the ball sack. Yeah.

Cars, oh, leather, oh, ball sack interior. I just sit here and you get in a car on a hot summer day. It's a whole sticky interior. You're like, dude, I can't get out of my car. Help me. A bunch of weird bumps. You're like, what does that one mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In the winter, it'd be nice. That one is crazy. Yeah, my car is smaller right now in the winter. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, it goes from a sedan to an SUV. Midsize SUV in the summer. I don't know why it's a smart car now. It's crazy.

I genuinely, I've said it before, I think the jackass guys are one of the most important movements for dudes, like regular guys who all of a sudden it was funny. It was okay to be a little gay. It was okay to be a little stupid, a little dangerous, whatever. And you know,

it's like everybody, everyone, my age is a little like, yeah, I grew up ball sacks, man. I think it was because of that. I do this stand up every once in a while where I talk about how like that,

the air of jackass, like a lot of the stuff of the stunts that we're doing are literally just gay. Yeah. I'm Shiva and I'm going to kiss my friend Chris Pontius. I was like, wait, what's the stunt? Isn't this gnarly, dude?

I'm like, what? I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is me in a committed relationship with a man. Dude, this next stunt is called gay marriage. Dude, the stunt's going called gay marriage. Now? Dude, this stunt's going to go for 30 years.

I was like, what? Watch us adopt a kid, man. Right, right, right. It's crazy. Oh, that, I mean, it was, when you think about, like, all, like,

just even the ones that weren't, like, a little gay, they would just be like, like, and also, here's a twist, we're gonna be naked. Naked, yeah. Or we're gonna be wearing a thong.

It could be a regular dangerous thing. But also... Add the funny of putting on a man thong. Yeah, every time. Like, yeah, I'll dive into a room full of mousetraps, but it will hurt more and it'll be more funny if I'm fucking naked. See, they're not afraid to look dumb.

I love it. Yeah, no, I mean, that... Yeah, you never... I mean, maybe I look at Knoxville now. He looks pretty cool. Yeah. He's got, like, the salt and pepper. He's rich.

He's always been... I mean, he's the leading man of the... Yeah, he's the star, if you will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've never looked at those guys and been like, they're cool and, like, a suave. No, it's punk rock. Yeah, yeah.

It's total punk rock. Right, right. Like, when you look at a lot of front men of, like, punk rock bands and stuff like that, you're... I i don't know i never look at those guys as cool i i always look at them as anti-establishment but that also because that's the coolest thing yeah like the coolest guys are those guys but the traditional cool looks wise or behavior wise it's like totally opposite of that but that you know we've gotten so far away from that in like the comedy world like we've interviewed everybody in comedy

over the last few years and like some of the drama that's been going on it's just like oh my god where where have we got between the cancel culture stuff and then the drama it's like yeah you guys remember comedy yeah jokes laughing at the the root of everything just comedy it's just like well because you know there's so much i guess it probably just because there's so much money to be made now that you gotta have the followers it's the reality it's the reality aspect there's the clicks you know what i mean right right so it's that clickbait mentality of like who said this and who said that and like i gotta tune in yeah i mean yeah we play into it too but we do it i think we're all guilty different times yeah yeah but at the same time to a man or woman everybody from that our era will point out, like, jackass

as being, like, one of, like, the kings of it. And they were, like, so the opposite of that. Yeah. So it's, like, I guess unless... It's refreshing. It's a true, you know, I guess the thing is you either have to be exceptionally funny and creative and weird and unique, or you're going to rely on some of the crutches being, like, being cool or gossipy or whatever.

Right, right. Because at the end of the day, you want to have your followers and make your money and blah, blah, blah. We had a nice balance. The internet was jackass. I guess people like to say now that everything's so extreme. But our internet was jackass and then murder. There wasn't anything in between. It was like, yo, you guys want to see a Russian dude get stabbed in the woods?

Yeah, you're like, yeah, this is the internet. Yo, this is... I used the internet to like... You know what it sounds like when a deaf girl orgasms? Yeah, dude, I do. Dude, I remember this one video that still haunts me. It was just... It was a static shot that somebody put on a tripod.

There's just a glass jar. Do you know that one? Goatsy, baby. Is that what it is? Just the butt just envelopes the jar and it breaks. And then the blood pours out. It's just so terrifying. It's still stuck in my memory.

Now, that's one of the all-time worst. Because that guy had to die, right? Because every time. You would think so. It's got to be. Every time. Imagine of the all-time worst. Yeah. Because my car had to die, right? Because every time. You would think so. It's got to be dead. Every time. Imagine, because there's nothing you can do. That's it.

Yeah, like you're done. I'm sorry. It was a no-no. It was just like a watch this video where you would have no context. Your friend would be like, hey, watch this. And you're like, okay, so it's a jar.

And then all of a sudden you're like, no, no, no. Why did you do this to me? Because I saw it. That's why. You have to watch it too. I have one. It's just a girl getting hit by a train.

Just a little girl and her mom trying to cross a train track, and they just do not make it. And she just gets clipped and skids along the ground. And it's just like, well, goddammit. You're like, how did the girl get ran train on? How did this end up here? How did this end up here? Totally different. Dang, man.

That sucks. That was way off. Yeah, there's always one. One of the funnier ones is a guy who just puts on a pair of plastic shorts and takes a shit. They're see-through shorts. And he just puts them on, almost like those bags that the McDonald's sodas come in on the go. Oh, dude. He just puts that on, and the camera kind of goes around.

I've worked at restaurants. I know what you're talking about. Changing out the nitrous and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he just... And it just fills up. I was like, that's a good one that haunt me.

There's no blood and murder or death. That one's funny, the shit in the shorts. I've seen that one where it was just a guy pissing on leather. Not leather, spandex.

And it's just like... Kind of coming out. That's funny. Yeah, kind of coming out. My buddy showed me this one that's, I just have the memory of him diabolically laughing

while I'm like, oh, why are you showing me this? Why? It was called noodle time or something like that where it was like this Asian woman

starts eating tons of noodles and then she starts giving this guy a blowjob and then she starts barfing the noodles over his penis. And I'm like, why are you showing me this? Very, very, very soft. Really? For a guy who grew up in this era,

if you keep talking about it, he'll puke. You want to make him puke? No, no, no. We can do it right now. You want to make him do it? So are they like thick noodles, like soft noodles that just start coming out of her? Oh, no. Does it mix up with the cum?

Is the noodles and the cum mixed up? Yeah, there it goes. Yeah. It's all good. We can do it. Yep. It's just, it's his party trick at this point. What?

Yeah. It's amazing. It's like, I don't know how it got. It's that sensitive? It's crazy. Crazy sensitive. Well, I know how it got that way. It didn't used to be this way it's it's lowering the bar man we do a show here that's very um a little bit x fact

fear factor s yeah yeah yeah and i probably love it yeah i know it is great it's like sometimes it's uh like it's eating weird foods it's eating bugs it's uh but like one time we drank thick water you read that we did that with Rick Kosick and Wee Man and it was one of the worst yeah it was surprising

how bad it was yep yeah that's a big because it was like it was like swallowing Vaseline yeah oh god

of course we had the porn star Lisa Ann here that day and she was just like aww she's like I don't get it get the funnel out yeah give me a

martini glass full of it i've done this before yeah all my water's thick i'm gonna put it in my ass first and then yeah yeah oh she did it into a martini glass yeah she's like yeah so where where's like the edgy stuff start with you guys yeah are you snowballing it or uh i don't get it uh but yeah that he became like the king of that show and he threw up every time. Wow. It's not fun. But what I was going to say before all the puking was that this is – and I've said this before, but I think this is one of the things that the current internet

has taken away from like kids or people growing up. We're like – it is like thinking back, it is silly how often we did it, but you just sit in a room and just say like, either movie lines or videos, like, have you seen this video? And then you didn't show it to me right away. Because then guess what? It doesn't ever live up to it.

When you show it to me, I'm like, I'm very often like, okay, is it like, can you tap the screen real quick so I can see how much more fucking time I have to give? Yeah, how much you see the bars. Oh, God. Just tell me it and then we'll all laugh about it. What's worse?

What's worse? Somebody showing you a supposedly funny video that's not funny or someone playing a song for you that they think is good that you don't like? I think the song. Is it their song? That's the holy grail. Yeah, that's the holy grail of awkward. That's great.

The song, I think. How many more verses? Yeah. Like six? That's not traditional, is it? That's interesting. You guys know the song Que Sera? Yeah, I believe so.

It's like a show tune, Que Sera, Que Sera. It's like a weird, I don't know why Shay knows this, but my daughter, she's six, and she starts singing Que Sera, Que Sera, and there's like five full verses to it, and her brother goes, it's so long and it's hurting my ear. I was like, I feel you i was like i feel you dude i feel you there's nothing worse than someone singing or playing a song you don't want the guitar playing it to you and you're just like kill me now the song is worse the song is better because it's more expensive to be like all right i get it right you can nod along if you don't but if you're not laughing

you're not laughing the video they're like no it gets the video the video you lose faith in the person right i used to like you and now i don't ever want to be around you again yeah i don't and you're not laughing. The video, they're like, no, it gets me. The video, you lose faith in the person. Right. I used to like you and now I don't want to be around you again. Yeah, I don't know if we jive. Yeah. And worse than that,

you thought, I thought, it was going to be funny. That's how little you think of me. You don't understand me at all. Yeah, we're not friends ever. You think my standards

are this low? Yeah. Well, there also was something to, when we first started at Barstool, it was uh you know we had to find the funniest videos and the funniest stories and blog them and write about them and there was like pride in it of like finding it first or well you're showing it to a

bunch of people who haven't seen it yet and that when you get it right is the best thing in the world well because then they celebrate yeah yeah and it like, they're hoisting you up. You guys are congratulations. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like the, you know, stupidest skill in the world, I guess. You know, like find internet videos.

But I took great pride in that. I guess that's our other earlier. We're doing a full early internet episode. That's cool. Yeah. I took great pride in finding music. I don't give a fuck about music anymore. Loved being the first guy

to show you a good song. Like, yo, have you heard? Yeah. I guess literally the guy we were complaining about 30 seconds ago, but I was good at it. Everyone else fucking sucked at it.

That's the thing, when it's bad, it's bad. When it's good, it's like you're the hero. You're the funny guy or you're like the edgy guy. It's the cutting edge guy

with music. It's amazing. Yeah, one of the first jobs, well, the first job I got when I moved to Los Angeles was,

it ended up being a scam. I was working for a scam company and I didn't know it. Oh, so the job wasn't a scam. You were scamming people. The job was a scam. So like, I got this job. You thought it was a real job. I thought it was a real job. I thought what we were

providing was a real service for people and it was finding people on MySpace and being like, hey, we really like your music we think we can develop you as an artist oh no so like they would give us these clients so i was like oh this is great like they've been scouting them they've been doing this thing so i'd call them up be like hey you're on our list of people who we've been looking out for and like it was music promotional packages for artists and then like six months in i'm like yo like i started asking i was like so like what

have we done for this person yeah like what's the follow-up here and they're like yeah no yeah and then like i started like just googling the company name and it had scam at the end of the word and i was like oh no i'm working for a scam that's the worst of all because somebody's on the other end of that phone being like we made it it, guys. Well, that's what sucks. There's so many jobs out there that they prey on people's dreams. And that's like the dirtiest thing you can do. And I was like, oh, no. I sold like, I was luckily bad at the job.

But I'm like, I sold like eight of those. You know, like I felt bad to the people I did. Yeah, that is tough. You were like the Motown Redux. Yeah. My whole catalog. Yeah, exactly. Cadillac. Oh, man.

My whole catalog. It was crazy, dude. That was another thing of the old days, those old school music houses, like the Columbia House, where you'd buy a million CDs for a penny. Did you ever do those? Oh, I heard of those. It rings a bell. You guys might be a little bit younger for that.

It was like, you would get 10 CDs for literally a penny. Shipped to you. But you would also be signed up for 10 magazines magazines a month for like the rest of your life. Whatever it was, it was like, I'll do anything to get the new Guns N' Roses album. Really?

Oh my God. Real devil's advocate trade-off. We own your soul now. Oh man, the good old days. Well, I love that you're still fighting the good fight,

being weird out there. Oh yeah, got to. You're a real dude. Got to, man. Absolutely. So, and Stand Up On The uh like a traveling show i'm starting to a little bit so we've done one now in houston austin and then

we're filming this one tonight in new york and my goal is uh we've been recording them monthly at the comedy store in los angeles and what i want to do is keep building the show up where i start traveling to the different big comedy scenes. Like I'd love to put together the, like some of the best comics in Chicago and Denver and different places, uh, different scenes, even San Diego,

like in San Francisco, Portland, like, you know, there's so many great comedy scenes out there that I would love to do this like around the country. Where did you come up? I came up in Los Angeles.

Like comedy. I was, yeah. Los Angeles. I've been out here. Being from LA is some weird shit. Yeah, I grew up in Kansas and then was a transplant and started comedy in 2009. At what age though? 20. You've got some years in LA.

Kansas to LA is like a trope almost, right? I'm going to go to a big city, Ma. Oh, no, pretty much. There's no tornadoes out here. I know. There's only earthquakes out there. The other natural disasters that will kill you.

I love how people in different regions, they're so terrified of whatever's not their natural disaster. I always say that with the Northeast. People are like, I couldn't live in the Northeast. It gets cold. I'm like, well, dude, compared to everywhere else in the country, your region is actively trying to kill you. It just gets cold here.

It gets a little cold. Once a year, maybe you have to shuttle. Yeah, it's not that. How many tornadoes have you lived through? Or have you ever lived through bad ones? I've never witnessed one with my own eyes. We had a lot of tornado warnings and watches when I grew up.

Go to the basement. He has a guarantee, a stone-cold lock, that he will never die from a tornado. He thinks anybody who dies from a tornado is an idiot. I think that's a pretty... I'll take you to Kansas. I'll show you. You. I'll show you.

Did you read those words, boy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a Criminal Minds episode. I don't know if it takes place in Kansas, but a guy

kills people in like the... By throwing them into a tornado? Well, he like ties them up and then like... He like chops them

up first. Chops up like their limbs first and then leaves them like... He goes tornado hunting and then like kills them like as a tornado is touching down and then like their body... So tornado hunting and then kills them as the tornadoes touch them down.

So their pieces are just gone? So then the people are like, whoa, a tornado tore this person in half. That's cool. I mean, that's a good plot. But also, aren't tornadoes the most spontaneous things in the world? Yeah, I mean, you'd have to be like, oh, I got to murder somebody. Yeah, yeah. Storm hunt.

No, he keeps them kidnapped in his RV. And he just waits and waits and waits. Oh, wow. That seems like a long time. That's a little far-fetched, if you ask me. Criminal minds. It's not really. He's just waiting. He's like, so I think it's going to be about three more days.

Nothing's touching down in this region for a while. You hungry? Yeah. I'll get you some McDonald's or something. I don't want you to go out being hungry. I always thought it would be cool. Have you tried Ben and Jerry's caramel? You got to try it before you die.

I mean, it's some really good stuff, man. Now, that would be the worst of all. You get your first taste of Haagen-Dazs caramel cone before you die. And now you're fucking dead. What could have been? All right. I love it. We're going to go next door and film Answer the Internet, which is our YouTube series.

But tell the people we got Scissor Bros. Scissor Bros, Jeremiah Wonders, and Stand Up on the Spot is at youtube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. Monday, May 23rd is the next premiere, 4 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, with Tony Baker, Jessamay Peluso, Josh Potter, and Todd Glass. So we got awesome lineup for that one coming out. How did Potter do? He was great. Yeah? He's so funny. He's just a fucking animal. He's literally an awesome lineup for that one coming out. How did Potter do? He's great. He's so funny. He's just a fucking animal. Literally an animal. I love it.

I love it. He's like less evolved than us, I think. He might be the missing link. Those shoulders are just... He's part of the DNA strand that's like everything lines up. He took off his shirt here. I at least pulled out his shoulder. I would start jerking off. It was crazy. It was wild. I was like, dude, what the fuck is that? He's anti-Jada Pinkett.

She needs some of him. Blend those two together, we might have a normal human. Right. All right, let's go next door. That was amazing. What's up, bro? How we doing? I was like, who's next door?

They're like, Jeremiah. I was like, oh, I can do something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to come out full naked. I had the shirt off, and I was like, maybe full naked. Are there any girls around? He was like, a lot. Like, two girls past like nah

that would have been great though if you came in dick out that would have been something that would have been that would have been just one of those where I'm like

I know you guys wouldn't mind yeah everybody else most people are like probably all it takes is one person but that's not what I need a workplace environment

yeah alright fair fair what a sad place you can't even get naked at barstool anymore All it takes is one person back. I thought what I need a workplace environment What a sad place you can't even get negative We good over there pass What a moment what a moment we just had Ari Shafir Ari Shafir go and go and will Smith on Jeremiah oh shit oh what the no no no no no how dare you you don't do this to me you don't do this to me how dare you come on answer the internet how dare you i'm a slimebox champion you don't do that to me get out of here i said some anti-semitic things big time yeah oh really yeah yeah i know there is no time so it was like you said it before got there, and that's the reason I did it.

Yeah, we can just flip it. Time is a construct. You start at the end of a point and me just get out of here! Get out of here! All right! These Jews coming in here! Just start it at that point, yeah. That would be great for me. I'd love that.

Ari went in unprovoked with his shirt off. We don't know what happened. I just watched Bumfights and we don't know what happened. I just watched Bumfights and I wanted to get into it. What an entrance. All it does

is pick. How long you guys known each other? Go way back? I don't know. Ten? More?

Four? Once you get to the comedy store. Once you guys start doing comedy, do you hang out with anybody who's not a comic?

Nobody, right? A couple friends from high school. Everybody knows everybody. My wife would get really upset any time Benji Aflalo coined this term normies. People who are not involved with stand-up. I started using

it. My wife's like, you're not using this term. This is not happening. I'm like, what? I'm going to what? You know, I'm going to hang out with your normie friends? Don't lump me in. I'm like,

okay, okay. It's the why at the end makes everything. Trans is fine. You can hide that why. You're learning. Even Ari caught himself. Add a why to gay.

And all of a sudden, you know, it's a problem. What why? Yeah, normie. I think I used that. I think know, it's a problem. What was? Yeah, Normie. I think I used that. I think I got it from Veggie.

Yeah. I didn't quite understand your text. You were supposed to hang out with your parents and they bailed on you or something? No,

they got to come tomorrow. Oh, so you just got here. So I'm just like, I got a free day. Oh, okay. Oh,

perfect. Yeah. What are you going to do with your parents? Visit like graves of like murdered Jews and stuff. What else do you do with your parents? What do to do with your parents? Visit graves of murdered Jews and stuff. What else would you do with your parents? What do you do with your parents?

I feel like an idiot for even asking. No fucking shit. Go check out 9-11, then we go check out the Jews. We go on a tour of evictions all over New York. I swear I'm not going to do that. What are your parents like? Orthodox Jews. Are they?

Yeah. Kind of like opposite of Jeremiah's. Yeah. Same and similar, but opposite. Yeah. Your parents are like the- Amish, right? Yeah.

I was going to say that. The Pennsylvania Dutch type people. I could absolutely see that. They're bonnet people. Yeah. Did you do Rumspringer? Yeah, they're Mennonites. Yeah.

I could see you like- We've been talking a lot about- I mean, I look like a fun guy on Rumspringer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah, you'd be like hardcore back then. This is wild! Are you guys saying that poopy? It's insane. We spent the whole week talking about goys.

Goys, yeah. Yeah, the Shabbat goys who turn on the lights. Shabbos goys. Shabbos goys who turn on the lights for you. It's the best you guys can do for us. Yeah, you can't use electricity, but you can get one of you fucking used to do it for us. That is so crazy. Would they get paid?

Or is it just like a friendly, like I'm helping you out? You paid them in milk and honest food? Yeah, you can pay them, but you can't pay them on the Shabbat. Yeah, like we'll get you tomorrow. Just turn on our lights. Yeah, it's like a- Pre-pay. Maybe they pre-pay. Yeah, maybe pre-pay. These Jews are shifty with the money, so it's like, I'm on the Shabbos. Yeah, like, we'll get you tomorrow. Just turn on our lights. Yeah, it's like a- Pre-pay. Maybe the pre-pay.

Yeah, maybe pre-pay. The Jews are shifty with the money, so it's like, I'm going to get my money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're going to stiff me at the end of this thing. You think I'm going to turn your lights on for you all day for free? There's all these loopholes. You can't acquire anything on the Shabbat, so if you bring a bottle of wine over to someone's house for Saturday lunch, you have to say, before Shabbat starts, you have to say, I

hereby give this- Get the fuck out of here. To Feidelberg, and then tomorrow, I gave this to you yesterday, by the way. But here you go. Really? Oh, my God. Because otherwise you're acquiring it. Religion's the worst.

It's wild. Jews love loopholes. We're great lawyers. Yeah. We'll find a way. We really do. Wait, so you would say it Friday, and then you could still bring it to my house on Saturday? Yeah, I'm just holding it for you.

It's like you left this ball in my house, but it's yours. So I have it. It's the same thing. I gave it to you. Yeah, that'm just holding it for you. It's like you left this ball in my house, but it's yours. So I have it. It's the same thing. I gave it to you. Yeah, that's a great loophole. So you have to pronounce it out. You have to pray to Yahweh. You might have to say it to somebody.

No, I think you just say it out loud. Like there needs to be a witness? Yeah, I don't know if there needs to be a witness to acquire something. Like Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy. I declare I'm giving this to John, but not till tomorrow. Were your parents, did your parents like bug out when you like, you know,

saw the light and not happy about it? Yeah. It wasn't the path they chose. Yeah, because you were like, you were going to be like a fucking rabbi or some shit, right? Yeah, I was on partner track

and then I left. What was the final moment for you it was the last draw 9-11 that's like i can't get better than that you know when a plan comes together you know sometimes you gotta retire it's why nobody liked the money heist the second season like you want the first season's great don't do it again you already did it god damn we put it together well George Bush can you imagine oh I mean they really gotta do a movie where it's like the fucking Jews fucking pulling together with some like that kind of music you know as we're all

walking out you know the explosions yeah oh she's know, as we're all walking out, you know, the explosions. Slow motion, yeah. Ocean's 11 times shit. People falling behind us and we're just like, splat, splat. Oh, God. No,

no, for real, pick that up though. Did you have a moment where you had to like, you like sat them down and like, am I doing this?

Yeah. Oh. You had to come out as a comic. I had to come out. Yeah, come out as normal. As a normie in the and were like, I'm not doing this. Yeah. You had to come out as a comic. I had to come out. Yeah, come out as normal. As a normie in the sense of I'm not going to be a fucking religious freak show. It was before I was a comic. That part was hard, too.

How old? 21, 22. Yeah, it was tough. So you used to believe all this shit? Oh, yeah. No, I think I just did it. Or you were just doing it, right? I was doing an autopilot. I never really examined it. And the whole time you were kind of like, eh. And then once I examined it, I was like, oh, wait, I'm tough. So you used to believe all this shit? Oh, yeah. No, I think I just did it. You were just doing it, right? I was doing an autopilot

and I never really examined it. And the whole time you were kind of like, eh. And then once I examined it, I was like, oh, wait, I might... This doesn't make any sense. Yeah. I just never had it in me.

Yeah. What are they doing? Fresh. Oh, rejection! I don't know how I didn't see that coming. It was... How did I not see that coming?

Of course I was going to knock it out. Of course you would. That's obvious. That's one of my favorite fucking Ari Shapiro stories when you played ball in Israel and you had the fucking... The burn notices? The burn notes in his socks. He would reject people and then give them notes that said, like, you suck.

He'd be like, I'm not going to talk shit to the ball lands. Your teammates are getting mad at you. I have more of these. Oh, yeah. We had fun. That's great. We had fun. That's great. We had fun. Technically, that was on its way down.

That was goaltending. So by the rules, yeah. That was officially goaltending. Did you play professional basketball, or you were just playing basketball? No, Jewish Yeshiva League basketball, seminary-tracked basketball. We used to play a lot of basketball. Yeah, the Comedy Store had a team. Yeah, really?

Who can hoop? Because I'll tell you who can't. The Comedy Store had a team. Yeah. Really? Uh-huh. Who can hoop? Because I'll tell you who can't. The Legion of Skanks guys can't. Had not. Had not. Had not. I was shocked. At how bad they are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was shocked. And Jay's stupidly to think he could. Well, that's what was weird. I remember talking to- He went in so confident that I was like, oh, he's probably a good big man. Right, right.

You know what I mean? I was talking to, I think, Shane about it, and I was like, well, they must be, like, actually sneaky good, because they're, like, fucking coming at you guys. And then they just were as good as you kind of expected them to be. And I was like, oh, yeah. That was weird. I mean, yeah. That was one of those, I was like, this is weird.

But also, it's like, Lewis is bad, but he's not a moron. Jay is a moron. He bet Lewis he could beat him 21 to nothing. And I'm like, dude, a child could score a point. Right. What are you talking about? I mean, 21, we had this happen a few years ago where two guys, they challenged each other

to a challenge of manhood to play basketball. Challenge of manhood. I think they played to 21 or they planned to play to 21. I mean, they would have been there for like four hours. It was like three nothing after like 45 minutes. I was like, we're going to be here all fucking day. That reminds me of me and Nick Yusuf played a game of basketball. They had a separate podcast.

I forget what it was called. Him and Kevin Christie. And I was like, I can beat you. I was way out of shape though. And the bet was loser, excuse me, winner gets to jerk off into a sock and then the winner turns it inside out and has to wear it for a day.

Oh my God! I remember this. No way. I remember hearing about this when you guys did it and I was like, this is so. The fact that you were on the floor. I was going to say, the fact that you were out of shape means you lost.

I didn't eat breakfast. No, I was up 10-7. I was up 10-7 and I came to 11. I hit three threes in a row and I fucking came back and then he was like, fuck. And I just couldn't, I was just done. You couldn't finish. I had a giant blister. You were up 10-7 and you ended up wearing a fucking cum sock?

That's the biggest choking history. I was going to say, that's blowing a three-one lead. That's fucking... What was the one, what was the bet, were you involved in this one with the coming into a towel and then they had to re-wet it?

Josh, yeah, we each, he lost a bet, we each jerked off onto a towel, sealed it up in a Ziploc bag, mailed it to the next guy, he jerked off onto it,

mailed it to the third guy because we're all The sisterhood of the traveling cunt. And then he had to, at a show, reactivate it by opening it. And then. Yeah, dude.

Yes. That's so gnarly, that one. That's like such a. Wait, who lost? Oh, he's going to be here. Yeah, he'll be here. Yeah. Just go.

Think about reactivating the cone, John. There's a cone that's coming back out. The washcloth. You can smell it. The bleaching. Yes! Yes! Yes!

It really was gross. He was not happy about it, too. One of them was Sam Tripoli. He has a lot of venereal disease. Oh, that's gross. He was not happy about it, too. One of them was Sam Tripoli. He has a lot of venereal disease. Oh, that's gross. That's not fair. You've got to at least be clean to engage in that one. What was the bet?

I forget what it was. I just remember Josh losing. I was like, this is one of the worst bets I've ever heard. He manned up. I was going to say, that is actually a man of fucking honor. Yeah. That is something. I guess, though, if you were to ask me, out of all the fluids, I actually think, you know,

yeah, it's gay or whatever. Yeah, diarrhea is worse. Right, like shit is way worse. Piss is worse. You're going to get made fun of, and it's your manhood, but it's like, I don't know, it's cum, bro. Let's rank them. Blood, piss, poop, and diarrhea.

No, not in order. We're just listing them first. Blood, piss, poop, diarrhea. No, not in order. We're just listing them first. Blood, piss, poop, diarrhea. Could be two. Vomit, spit. What else? Boogers. Boogers, cum.

Earwax. I think shit's the worst. Like diarrhea is the worst. For the face? Blood's pretty disgusting too. Blood is disgusting. Blood's dangerous. Blood's fine. Keep going blood. Keep going blood's pretty disgusting, too. Blood is disgusting. Blood's dangerous. Blood's fine.

Blood's fine. Blood's fine. Keep going blood. Keep going blood. I would say diarrhea. Yeah. You know what's sneaky really, really bad is the earwax. That's a good addition at the last second.

The taste of it is. Yes. I was going to say, if you gave me a challenge that was like, put the cum on your face or eat the earwax, I think I'm taking the cum. On your own, and you've all done it. No, I've never done that. I honestly have never done that. I will never eat earwax. I swear to God. I've your own and you've all done it you know go like no i've never done that i honestly have never done that i will never eat earwax i swear to god i've eaten boogers i'll do all that i won't eat i've never eaten earwax that's disgusting i actually got i clean my ears like every fucking day i probably have like busted ear drums and shit because i'm

jamming all sorts of things in there all the time you get like a chunk oh yeah that was in me yeah yeah you ever see um you ever see people get um ear stones i think they're called taken out no it's like you know just like you get like hair and wax and shit clogged in there you don't realize it and then people go in there with like instruments and you know there's like a little bit of wax but then if you go deeper there's like a ball that comes out and people get them done and they're like oh my god i can like hear again they didn't realize how oh wow, wow. It's disgust. I have another fluid.

You ever see any of those videos with Lansing? Yeah. And then it just all pours out. Puss and pimple goo. I love those. I watch those all day long. That might be a tough one

if you had to get one of those fresh and wipe it on your face. If you look at certain... Can you imagine? If you look at... The cum sock, I'm fine. He's about to go. Dude, the cum sock, I'd be fine.

Cum is almost the best one. It kind of is. It's a sweet smell. This is my Instagram for you. It's just all pimple popping and shit like that. Oh, really? Yeah, I watch that shit so much, it just feeds it to me. That's one of those you can watch twice and then the third...

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Because it just spews... Oh, no, no. Cum everywhere, yeah. Wait. It just looks like a blackhead. And then, okay, you're fine. Yes, yeah, I like Come everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait. It just looks like a blackhead. And then, okay, you're fine.

Yes, yeah, I like that shit. I love that. Oh, God. I could watch. I literally watch that all day long. Yeah, I see your feed. That's crazy. Yeah.

It's pretty embarrassing. That's a what you like feed? Yeah, this is like my. What is that? I've never done that one. Oh, it tailors it to you. If you just go, you just click the. If you start watching.

So I watched like enough of those that it just feeds them to me. But every once in a while, you'll accidentally click on one thing and it thinks you're all about that? Yes, and that's embarrassing. Sometimes I'm like, hey, wait a minute. I clicked on one Pete Davidson picture one time and it fed me Pete Davidson photos for a month.

That's the most embarrassing of all. I'm like, I actually don't want one. It's your punishment. Yeah. Yeah, no. I'm actually going to win it's your punishment yeah yeah no it sounds crazy but cum kind of the best

the cum sock is the cum sock is really easy in fact the cum towel too I can see it's really the aroma of opening is what kind of gets me to gag yeah

but the cum towel like the seal because when you compare to the other fluids it's something better yeah is that like a bank bag that as soon as you open the cum ziplock? Yeah, when you open the ziplock. It was like Scooby-Doo where he screams into a bottle and closes it.

I'm also like, I think with germs like that, we've kind of talked about it before with toothbrushes. I think the second I get it on me, then I'm so dirty I've overcome it. So it's now my germs. Right, right. You've overrun those germs. That's not on me. I'm on it.

That's a very alpha way of thinking. Like, no, you're me on those germs now. I'm trying to dominate. If you, let's say you crash somewhere for the night, whatever, you wake up, you either have the choice of not brushing your teeth or using someone else's toothbrush that's in that apartment. I'm not brushing my teeth.

I'm not brushing my teeth. There's no freaking way. I'll go finger. Finger all the way. You do it with theirs? Absolutely. No freaking way, dude. And I won't tell him either.

I won't tell him. What? No, you don't tell him. One time we had, oh, by the German, I was believing, so he'll just finger in the straight down and keep fingering. That's me. That's how I keep my finger. In Israel one year, we had a guy who left to, I don't know, hang out with his family or something for a week, and we took his toothbrush, and we each stuck it, like, in our butts.

We took pictures of it on his phone, and then— I heard an urban legend about that once. You actually did it? Yeah. Because I heard an urban legend about someone who got their house broken into and they like stole a bunch of shit. And so that obviously sucks. But then also like a month later, they open up an envelope that got mailed to them and it was pictures of the robbers with their toothbrushes up their ass.

So they had been brushing their teeth. But I thought that was a fake story. But this was just his camera, his film camera. Not even, it was pretty digital. He goes to get it developed and he's like, oh, look at my niece and nephew. Oh, look at my grandparents. Oh, look at Ari with his fucking... Here's a picture of me at the Western Wall.

Here's a picture of me in the Golan Heights. You know, here's like... And then like, what? Wait, what? He must have developed when he got home, too. So it's weeks later or whatever. You had bristles up your ass? How's that?

I was going to say, who's the real loser here on that one? I think we just touched it to our butthole. Oh, that's... It was a long time ago, so it's tough to remember the exact details. Nowadays, that's like fucking... That's like foreplay. That's the fourth asshole I had in my mouth this week, whatever. He never mentioned it.

But that's... He never brought it up to you? He never brought it up to anybody. Because of the shame that goes along with it. He might not have developed it, but he might have. Dude, what if he was? I think he developed his fucking, he brought a camera to him.

Yeah, everybody developed it. I think he developed it. I think he was in a dark room and he's like putting it in the liquid and somebody's like, what the fuck? Yeah. Maybe he's actually just playing

the ultimate long con on you and like right now, he has photos of you that he's going to send the ultimate long con on you. And like right now, you know, like 10 years later. He has photos of you that he's going to send to you. Waiting? Yeah. With like my parents up his butt? Dude, your dad's having sex with me.

How crazy is this? Oh, no. That's like some fucking jigsaw shit. Yeah, yeah. Dude, because I mean, I get it. But it's also like you were the one just like butt fucking yourself with his toothbrush. Yeah, it was pretty gross. I mean, I get it, but it's also like you were the one just like butt-fucking yourself

with his toothbrush. Yeah, it was pretty Who's the real loser there, you know? It's like, oh, got you while I fucking sodomize myself. I don't think sodomy

is a loser move. I don't think, I think, I think, I think you still come out the loser if you brush with shit. If you brush with a toothbrush that

up someone's ass. There could be a bet though, like if you lose, you have to take a toothbrush and put it up someone's ass. There could be a bet, though. Like, if you lose, you have to take my toothbrush and touch it to your asshole. Yeah. Like, that is a negative.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. It's not like nothing. Everyone's very deep in thought here. Yeah, yeah. Wait a second. I would love a rankings of all the body.

Maybe that's a viewer's thing. Yeah, everyone tweet at us here. It sounds like a bad BuzzFeed article. I would go, I think shit is like far and away number one. The smell, the consistency. Human shit, it's not supposed to be. Oh, you know what might actually take the cake? What?

Is period blood. Oh. No, no, no. I've had it on me a million times. Thick chunks of blood? I mean. I've had that. Oh, there's also spit.

All right, tough guys. I mean, here's just a fact. I haven't had any other human's regular blood on me. But period blood plenty. Not at least a lot. I've had a good amount of period blood on me in my life. But like on your dick, right? Yeah, on my dick.

And face and mouth. It gets. No. Have you done that? Oh, yeah. You've gone down on a chick with your period for real? It's dark. You don't know.

There's a weird smell, but you're just like, go with it. She's not telling you. I mean, I've definitely had that where it's dark you don't know there's a weird smell but you're just like go with it she's not telling you I mean I definitely had that where it's like damn I'm putting it down she's so wet and then it's like smells a lot like pennies

I know what's going on here there was a chick in Denver an Asian chick and I was going down and the same smell it was like smells like tinfoil or something

and I didn't know and I went to the bathroom after you know after the light and it was like a fucking it was like William Wallace

after battle yeah but you didn't know the NGWK album and it was like a fucking it was like William Wallace after battle yeah but you didn't know the Engine of UK album the cover of that one where he's like yeah I didn't know

but you wouldn't do it if you knew right like you're not one of those I have since then really yeah like a girl's like no no no

I have my period and you're like it's okay yeah if you're horny enough you gotta be so fucking horny to eat she's gotta be hot really hot

it's not a chick that you're like, I should not do this. And most chicks would be like, no, I don't, you know, that's gonna turn her off. I know, but if you hold her down, be like, it's happening. They go like, wow. If you raped them on another period, they'd really love it. If you give them non-consensual oral, they go

wild, let me tell you. Well, eventually they're like, no, no, no, alright. It's like ass eating. You're like, no, no, no. All right. It's like ass eating. You're like, I mean, I would. Okay. Not in my life. That was one where the first time I was like, I kind of get girls now. It's like, not tonight.

Not tonight. Right. That's a great point because I have had a whole new respect for like, no, I don't feel well tonight. And it's like, oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

I used to think that was just a thing, but now I know it's a thing. Yeah. I get it now. I had a girl at my ass and it was just like, what are you doing? Like, I couldn't get into it. You lose a little bit of respect for him? There was just no part of me. My asshole is a horror movie.

It's just like, no way. There was no moment where I lost myself in it the whole time. I was like, what are you doing? You don't take care of it at all? Never. You don't go to manscaped.com, use promo code KFC for 20% off? I would. I would do that.

I would get the 20% off, but I don't even wipe. So like, ugh, get out of there. Get that 20% off at manscaped.com. Use that promo code, KFC something. I take care of it not even for that. I don't want it to... I mean, it is a horror show back there for just like everyday life.

If you walk around too much and then get the... It's just like the... You can just wipe from a knot, from a knot even shitting and you're just like, man, that's like a full wipe. Damn. I can't say that's like a full wipe. Damn.

I can't say that we relate to you on this one. Really? You've never been to a music festival walking around all day? Baz loves this one. I've definitely had a safety wipe where it's like, yeah, I gotta freshen up. But it's never been a full wipe. It's never been a fully. I mean, no chunks.

But you'll get like a full streak. It's never been a Foley. I mean, no chunks. But you'll get like a full streak. Oh, yeah. Hot day. 20% off at manscaped.com with promo code. Oh, yeah. I'm going to bring edible wet wipes in here next time. Make sure you get the chunks. You know what is funny is that I think that's a big white person.

I think that's a big white versus black thing, right? Like the dry wipe versus the wet wipe. My friend explained it to me, Caparulo. he explained to me why you do a wet wipe i mean it's very obvious when you do a wet wipe but we don't do it it's weird you know he said take a little bit whatever this pour it on the table right leave it for a second then you wipe it up with a dry towel right and it's sticky right right i remember uh i i saw that from uh will i am he poured chocolate sauce on like a wooden table like this. It was like, here's with a dry, and look how much is still on there. And here's with a wet wipe, and it's all gone.

Why was Will.i.am talking about his wiping practice? I don't know. It was a long day. He's trying to spread the good word. But it's something that makes perfect sense, but we just don't do it. Washcloths, too. We don't do the washcloths. We don't do washcloths. I remember Chappelle talking about that.

But that's just some extra laundry, you know? It does get a better scrub than just taking a smooth bar of soap over it. I genuinely don't think I need like a full scrub every day. If I'm like working with my hands, I need to scrub. I think if you do outside labor, like with lawn

or construction, there's natural elements that get on it. Do you think the washcloth started in slave times because they were working so hard outdoors? I think that's exactly what I'm saying. Whereas the whites who just make chicken mid-juleps on the porch wasn't necessary. It makes you just go, hmm. Things that make you necessary. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. It makes you just go,

hmm. Things that make you go, hmm. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. Because we'll never know. Do you wash beneath your knees?

Beneath my knees? Below your knees? Yeah. Yeah. Do you? Athlete's foot. What do you mean? You got to get between the toes.

No. No? What do you mean? Straight gravity. Let that water just rush down. That's not bad. That's not bad. I subscribe to the Kunis Kutcher model of cleansing.

What is that? They don't take showers. They're like, we don't shower. Imagine being that hot. You can just get away with that dumb shit. It's insane. I have no idea of privilege. I think they were talking about the kids a little bit.

No, she said she does pits, tits, and clits. Because people still give you whatever you want in life if you're a fucking Mila fucking Kunis. Yeah, you smell like shit, but you're like hot, so it's like whatever, here you go. Hey, one time me and a bit, no, Edgar, Matt Edgar, we're walking Benji's dog, same dude, Cheryl, this little chihuahua,

and we got lost in the hills on some hike in LA, and we were just like thorn scratching, we had to keep handing this dog over bushes and just like trying to get over. And we were just like, fuck, it's going to get dark. We're going to lose our, like, we're getting scared. And finally, finally, we just come out and it's the fucking regular path. And there's these three people and a dog and a really beautiful, like German shepherdy dog.

We're like, Hey buddy. We're just so happy to be free. Like, that's so cool. Your dog's beautiful. And we're just like, Hey, I love dogs. And then like probably licked it in the mouth. It was like, Hey, you're a good dog. Eating its ass. Yeah. And then I was like, all right, I. Your dog's beautiful. And we're just like, hey, I love dogs. And then probably licked it in the mouth. It was like, hey, you're a good dog. Eating its ass.

Yeah. And then I was like, all right, I'll see you guys later. And Edgar was like, dude, you handled that great. And I was like, what do you mean? And he was like, the way you talk to them. And I was like, what? He goes, that was Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher and the guy from My Morning Glory.

And I was like, oh, I didn't look him in the face. I looked at their necks. And you just looked like a fucking homeless freak. Yeah, exactly. Coming out of the woods. Hi there, buddy. Balad all over me, holding a dog. Hey, you got an ice one?

We just found this one. We kidnapped this guy. I didn't look him in the face. I had that kind of anxiety, too. Yeah, I don't look strange. Strangers? I won't look at that. Yeah. I was like, nice dog. And I'm just like this one. We kidnapped this guy. I didn't look him in the face. I have that kind of anxiety, too. Strangers? I won't look at that. Yeah. I was like, nice dog.

And I'm just like, wow. They were probably unshowered that day. Probably. You handled that. So My Morning Glory, what a twist there. I was trying to put together who the third person was. What's that? What's My Morning Glory?

My Morning Glory is kind of a punk band. Yeah. No, no, no. It wasn't them. It was this older guy. Was that My Morning Glory? I'm kind of a punk band. Yeah. No, no, no. It wasn't them. It was this older guy. Was that My Morning Glory? I'm thinking of the wrong band. My Morning Jacket?

Yeah, My Morning Jacket. My Morning Jacket? Yeah. Wait, that can't be. Same kind of thing, right? Are we combining bands right now? We're combining a couple. You found Glory, My Morning Jacket.

It's an older band. Fuck, now I forget. It doesn't really matter. It doesn't really matter. It really doesn't matter. Honestly, when you tell that story again, make it a better yeah yeah yeah sure that place no i i just go gravity for down unless like again if i've been outside with like my bare feet and they're all dirty i'll give it up for you you're standing in the soapy water too my feet are probably the cleanest

part of the whole shower yeah yeah also you know, you've got to stand on one foot, slippery, who knows? Dangerous. One of these days you slip and hit your head. You're weirdly flexible, right? You do yoga? I do yoga. I'm wildly unflexible. You said you suck your own dick? No, I cannot suck my own dick. Could you put your foot near

your head right now? Yeah. I mean, it's in the room. Oh, I can do better than you when you do yoga. You suck. I'm pretty flexible. I can put that shit right to my head

in a fucking room. No fucking way. Oh, what? All right, show off. Yeah, dude. I should have nutshotted you there. I'll never get that back.

That might haunt you for the rest of your life it really will that would be crippling if you punched him in the dick right there oh my god I would have fallen out

you would have torn your hamstring you would have hit your head on the fucking table New York trip over it would have been great that might be career ender he's been running around naked you just punched him in the dick

send him to jail what are some small level things you guys have like missed the opportunity on and then like damn I should have done that and didn't get it. I'll give you one just to start with. Like I was in Barcelona and I was needing weed.

And I was like, and then some guy came up to me like in the, whatever the area is. And he's like, marijuana? And I got so, I was like, oh, no, I'm good. And then I walked on. I was like, what the fuck? Oh, what an idiot. But then like five minutes later, somebody looked at marijuana. I was like, yes.

OK, let's go. Universe gave you a second shot. Yeah, yeah. Ah, man. I try to block all of those regrets out of my life. That's smart. So you can live your life. Yeah, so I can keep going.

I was telling a story the other day of one this past weekend where I was talking to a girl at a bar and was like, oh, this is a bit. Yeah, this one sucks. We were awesome. She had a shaved head was like, oh, this is a bit. Yeah, this one sucks. We were awesome. She had a shaved head, like a buzz cut, with a nose ring and two big earrings. Which is right up his alley. Big glasses.

Suicide girlish? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time. Buzz cut the whole way? Buzz cut the whole way. Full buzz. He loves it. Not in a bick, obviously, but I don't know,

a half an inch or a quarter inch. It was all the same length. She was from Columbia or somewhere in Latin America. We were just hitting it off. I was a little drunk, but really not that drunk as far as my standards go.

I just got up. I was like, you know what, Tina's been great. I'm going to catch you later. No! Also, at the same time, Tina must have been have been like what the what are you doing like that like like yeah like like part of me part of me thinks you're an idiot that might have been your soulmate but on the other hand she is going to be like that dude john was somebody like that was the coolest thing oh someone did come up to me and be like can i get a picture real quick and i was like that's nice so you took a picture you were hitting it off, and then you just said...

Yo, oh wait, so I forgot! Yes, someone did or no, they didn't say picture, they just did like, yo man, big fan, nice to meet you. So she knows. So someone Oh, but someone knows! Someone knows! Oh, we're gonna find Tina! Yeah, yeah, yeah, someone was in that bar. Because we talked about it on the show, and I was like, we're gonna find this chick, and now that we know that a stool took a picture with him, we're for sure gonna... It wasn't a picture,

he just gave me like a hand. Okay, but we know there gave me a hand does she work at the bar she was just there no she was just there we're gonna craigslist connect this thing this is a long order episode but part of me respects like okay you know you would've gone home with her maybe you fool around and disappointed

well it could be that but it's probably not gonna happen but you know that you left her with an impression of like, holy shit. She's never going to forget me. Someone came up to me and said they were a big fan. I shook their hand. And then we talked for like, I didn't even acknowledge it. We talked for another 15 minutes. And I was like, hey, you know what?

What did you talk about? What did you talk about? We talked about like Latin America. We talked about, I might have rolled an R or two. It was a pleasure. I do, you know, the idea of like, that doesn't happen very often because everyone's going to exchange numbers

or exchange Instagrams or you're going to be connected forever. The fact that he was just like, peace. Dude, that's better than sex. That girl's going to remember forever. Fuck you. No, it's not. I like That girl's going to remember for sure. Fuck you. No, it's not. I like to eat an Asian chick's bloody pussy.

She'll remember for ever. She'll remember for her week tops. And then she'll meet a guy who fucking asked her out. Oh, you blew it. Fuck. I feel bad for you. God damn it. I have a lot of those from high school where I didn't have the...

You just missed the signals? I just missed signals so many times. I used to go to the pool for a summer with this girl, and we would be like wrestling in the pool and stuff. We'd be messaging on Instagram. I'm like, man, she's a great friend. She's going to get a real good boyfriend one day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's hilarious. You're still a Latino, aren't you? Yeah, dude. And then all the high school, there's so many opportunities. It's like you wander away. You're sitting on a hilltop with a girl just kind of like. High school was insane. Maybe it's because they mature early or whatever.

If anybody's listening who's in high school and you're thinking about making the move, it'll just work out for you. Just do it. It's literally. There's a moment where you get a tingling from just below your chest to above your knees. And you get this tingling and you're just like, oh, I wonder...

And it's like, I feel they're also having that tingling. Yeah, yeah. So tell the kids out there, fuck. To all the children listening to this show, make sure you have sex. Right. Age-appropriate kids. Ask them out.

Fuck. The amount of girls yeah just ask worst case scenario no okay you know what it was for me no that's

it's not okay cause every time every time I whoa no it's not okay no no I asked the girl

and she said no and it haunted me forever you're exactly right there were a thousand other Tina's out there that turned me down He said no! He's haunting me forever! You're exactly right! There were a thousand other Tina's out there that turned me down! Dude, I still have an AIM where I, like, confess to a girl. I don't still have the AIM itself, but, like, I still have the memory of it. Where it's just like, hey, it was, dude, it was so lame. It was like, it was like, it was like someone died, right?

It was like someone, it was like Mr. Kelly dying made me think of how, like, finite life is. It was like fifth grade, you it was like someone died right it was like someone it was like Mr. Kelly dying made me think of how like finite life is it was like 5th grade it was crazy young and then and she cringing to death

and it was like it was like I just want to tell you I really like you and blah blah blah and then it was just like what sign off

it wasn't it wasn't an immediate cause sometimes your friend would sign off sometimes your friend would sign off like but it would be so quickly after an IM that you're like, oh, they might not even see me. It was enough. She read it.

She read it. Processed it. And you just hear the door go. It was like, yeah, I'm all signed off. Slowly in your face. You hear that door close, and then you hear a gunshot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two sounds.

So she just ignored it. Goodbye. She just completely ignored it. But you don't have to say, I really like you. You can just be like, hey, you want to go out sometime? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's it going to be like? Unless that was going to be your move, then dodge it. But you don't have to say I really like you. You can just be like, hey, you want to go out sometime? What's it going to be like? Unless that was going to be your move, then dodge it. Hey, I think you're really special and I can see about

living my life with you. My principal died when I was in fifth grade and it really made me realize how finite life is. Oh my God. Yeah, all you had to do, I mean, like you had an awesome time and you could have been like, do you want to do this again, or never again, and you chose never again.

But, he chose the opposite of happiness? I swear to fucking god, I'm gonna find Tina. Because the amount of shit that, like, the internet has fucked me over on, where people do find out things that I don't want them to know,

and it's like, how does that fucking happen? Like, how could you possibly, this person is on a Reddit page and that person follows this person and all of a sudden dots get connected. The one time it's going to work for us. This time it's going to fucking happen. Who's Tina? Hashtag find Tina. We're going to do it. We're going to get on

fucking Oprah, bro. We're going to get you on the daytime talk show. There's no chance we find her. We are finding fucking Tina. She's a hot chick with tattoos and stuff. How many years ago? How many years ago was this? This was a week ago. Oh, it was a week ago? This was Saturday night.

Dude, what if she let herself go in a week? I am ready. I heard you were looking for me. I lost an eye since I last saw you. No, this was a week ago. She's still probably thinking about you. I mean, where's the... You got to go back to the bar.

Is she coming or whatever? Ask the bartender or whatever. Let's go and order this for real. I don't remember the name of the exact bar. I was at the bar Zinc in the East Village, and I walked out because I was with my parents, and we left. They went back to their hotel,

and then I was like, I'll grab one more nightcap, and I just popped into a bar. Oh, wow. I guess I probably paid. I can check my credit card statement. Oh, dude. Yeah.

Start tracing these steps, man. Right. Yeah, because you were like, I don't even know the bar. Who was she there with? She was alone. What? We both was alone. Oh, you just left her alone?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a sociopath. Dude, man. What if she got murdered and you're the last person? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's witnessing her and now you're the prime suspect. What if Tina got raped and killed?

She was there alone. Dude, she was looking to fuck. Absolutely. She might have been a professional. She probably, like her friends were like, we got to go and she was probably like,

I'm going to talk to that guy at the bar. Like, you guys go. It's all good. In my country, we don't have red hair. Wow, you really blew it, man. Alone is crazy. Mace? M-A-C-E? And I'll tell you what, it, man. Alone is crazy. Mace?

M-A-C-E? And I'll tell you what, it went well because I was going for a nightcap. How many rounds? And so the first round was $11.42. Dollars. $11.42. And then apparently I reopened my card. $21.42.

So you might have heard. And then another. I was like, that's it, though. And I did another $21.42. And I left after that one by two drinks each, but two times, two times. You guys had a full ass date.

Fuck you. We never get opportunities like that. If you, if you described like that night to me and then said, what did Feidelberg do next? Like choose your own adventure. Like ABC, I would have absolutely told you he got up and just left.

Because that's what he does. I could have told you that before I knew that. Because he's an asshole. Because he's a dumbass. It's like there's missing signals and then there's intentionally blowing off signals. Like a dumbasshole. It's like that idea, I'm sure I run into her, but what are you talking about?

No, not even. He was like, I'm just going to leave. Did you think what are you talking about oh no I I was no not even he was like I'm just gonna leave did you think about asking her out I definitely thought about it yeah you just like I just didn't

I definitely was like it's a crippling amount of depression and anxiety we're talking about here this is not just like he you know there's a reason don't get me wrong

self-loathing what do I do to get happiness get the fuck out of here that girl won't like she can't possibly like a guy like me I'm a dirt ball it's like why would anyone like me? As people come up to you and shower you with praise.

Why would anyone love me? He starts driving me when people start complimenting him. Yeah, no, he's definitely one of those guys that's like, if you like me, I respect you less. You have bad taste in people. Yes, exactly. I had that for a while. As soon as the girl's like, yeah, let's go. I'm like, ew.

It's like a girl eating your ass. She's like, what's wrong with you? It's a lot like that. It's a lot like that. Yeah, I'm the for a while. As soon as the girl's like, yeah, let's go. I'm like, ew. It's like a girl eating your ass. Like, what's wrong with you? It's a lot like that. It's a lot like that. Yeah, I'm the asshole of people. The asshole of people. John Vital. I want you to try it, but you might regret it.

When you come with a disclaimer, like, do you want to go out with me? Yes, but sign here because, you know, regrets are going to happen. Oh, my God. That would haunt me for a long time, but I think he'll stop thinking about it. Maybe I'll just go back to everything. I was going to say, also, maybe you go back there and there's more Tina. We were literally sitting in those two seats right there. Bang.

One, two, right on the edge. Right on the corner. One, two. We can find this chick, man. I'm telling you. I think so. I think so. I think so. We could tweet this out.

Because I guarantee that she has talked to her friends. And one of those girls somehow knows the show. And it's going to be like, oh, wait a minute. That girl told me a story about they sat at the corner. Nah. She didn't tell that story. It's embarrassing to her. She told it to her best friend.

She hit it off with a guy. And the guy's not asking her out and the guy's ugly and then doesn't get an ask out, which means, am I ugly? No, but she is hot. What? You know they're one step away from thinking they're gross. Every woman has that kind of self-esteem.

Especially when they already have the tattoos and the nose rings and all that. This fat, ugly guy bought me two drinks and then just didn't accost me and just left how hot are we talking I mean in my memory

you're hot very hot because she could you know girls will be like self deprecating about it but something like that happens

and that girl goes home and she's like I'm fucking hot what the hell I can't be anywhere in the city right so like she could have gone to her friends

and been like this is crazy, right? Because let's be honest. Dude, she slept with six other guys because of you so far. How long was she in America for? She's been here for a while. I think she came when she was like 15 or something like that. And you came that night alone.

Probably didn't even. Probably didn't even come. You just went to bed. Yeah, that's what I'm watching. You microwaved some peanut butter no I got a sub I got a I got a

like a hero no no no just like on the way home can I just tell you that is a very cool New York moment to just be at a bar

and then just be talking especially in the cell phone era just be talking to an attractive woman can I I'll get around and then just no dating app

no none of that like an actual organic meeting. It's very, very cool. It was very not me. That's why I was like, I'm too deep and not John that I don't know what comes next. So I got to fucking pull the rip cord. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is about to go wrong. This is about to go wrong. No, that was too much. Too much is going too well. His initial telling of the story was like, I knew that this was the highest peak for us. Like we were, it was all good and it's all downhill from here. So I'm going to like Costanza that shit, walk out on top,

which I, that's what I did respect. But who were we talking to? Like the third person, Mike Cannon was like, no, you didn't like, you didn't fuck her.

You didn't date her. You didn't see her. Like you can, you can pull the plug after that. Not before that. No, you were a loser. It's like,

don't stop a blackjack run. Wait till you lose one hand. Like now I'm out. Right, right, right. I don't want to be in a row wins and I go, I'm out. It's like, don't stop a blackjack run. Wait till you lose one hand. Yes. Like, now I'm out. Right, right, right. I don't want to be. Ten in a row wins and then go, I'm out. It's going to be bad. Right.

I was even walking out the door like, don't look back. Don't look back. She must have been so mad. Dude, I'll go with you. I live in the East Village. I'll go with you there. As soon as I'm done with my special, I'll go with you. Yeah.

Yeah. That is, that's, that's the funnest shit in the world. I want to see a mystery show with Ari. I have a magnifying glass. I'll walk around. A pipe and a. Yeah. It's my old fucking general awards.

Do you have hot. Yeah. I'll like. One of those hats. Yeah. Do you have any hot foreign women that come in here from half the time? Guess who? You know, it's like bald was bald head tattoos knock them down that is one of the funnest things that i think is totally gone

now i would imagine it's totally gone now is like the the like getting a number or going up to like the fear of doing it but then doing it and even if you don't doesn't go anywhere it was like a little accomplishment it was something interesting i i convinced that person that i was good enough to at least go on a date with or give out the number or whatever you should have your guard up but like okay you're cool

right like yeah you should have like maced me but I convinced her not she started the conversation what oh yeah you need that what'd she say

I honestly don't remember what she said we both had one drink alone quietly and like I was probably fucking on my phone she was fucking on her phone and I really don't remember

what she said but she kind of just broke the ice and was just like oh yeah did she then get up and come over to you? America is great. We were sitting right next to each other. Was there any like...

I mean, not that I recall. Was there any touch? No, no touch. You were rubbing against an elephant trying to scratch himself. That's always a moment, too. I am sensitive. The touch, I know, I'm like, alright, this is done. That moment when you do just touch an elbow lightly, and it's like electric.

But you put your arms down or whatever, they touch, and nobody moves? Yeah. Ordinarily, you'd be like, whatever, but you both leave it there, and it's like, oh, wait a minute. Isn't it weird when your buddy does that? Why are you not moving your arm right now? Pussy?

Pussy just fire. Hands down the best thing a woman has ever done to me. I'll fucking come from footsie in the early stages, man. Footsie in the early stages. All stages. I love a footsie. But that first stage where it really is like. Kevin footsie cleanse.

Yeah. That's what they call me. Link our toes together. We both just come from the toes. It's great. I had the cum sock on. It was amazing. Oh, man. We sound like come from the toes. It's great. I had the cum sock on. It was amazing. Oh, man.

We sound like a bunch of old weirdos probably. No. You know? No, I think. No, come on. Let's rank these fluids, guys. What are we doing? Come on.

I don't know what you're talking about, man. Hey, Tina, if you're out there, it's a quality guy we got over here. She talked to you. You're going to want more of this. You know how hard it is to actually break the ice and talk to somebody? Because that moment of like, if you're like, hi, how you doing? They're like, get away from this. You know how hard it is to actually break the ice and talk to someone? Because that moment of like, if you're like, hi, how you doing?

They're like, get away from me. It's so much risk. Especially in the cell phone era. I used to argue with girls all the time. It's like, yeah, you know, girls can go up to guys. But like 999% of the time, it's us going up to you. And the majority of that time is you guys being like, get the fuck away from me. And that hurts.

It's like, not only were they not interested, they were like actively get the fuck away from me. And that hurts. That's like, not only were they not interested, they were actively like, get away from me. Nikki said to me once when I moved here, it was like, if you see a girl on the subway and you think she's cute,

just say nice shoes or something. And I was like, you're out of your mind, Nikki. If anyone said that to you, you'd be like, get the fuck away. You're imagining a fucking hot guy that you're interested in saying.

Right. A normal dude. Not just some guy you didn't notice. Spit on you. Slap you in the face. I like your shoes. I like your nice shoes. Excuse me, sir.

I don't have any money right now. The nail polish color that you picked is real attractive. He's freaking out. it's so true man they do not understand that at all the fear of going up to someone and being like hey i think i like you and just like immediately shut down it really should be the girl you could even get the words out it's like to knock you out of the baseball it should be the woman a small amount just be like hey knock you out with a baseball bat. It should be the woman. A small amount. Just be like, hey, how you doing? Just something. Just something to break down. Don't put yourself out too much, but it has to be you.

Especially now. Bumble got it right. Where Bumble was like, yeah, they figured out how we've been doing it reverse. What happens? For a while it was very nice. The inventor of the app was like, listen, we're tired.

All right. Just give us a break for a little bit. We're run down. You got too much power. And back in the old days, sure, it was working out well. Then you got too much power. And now it's like, all right, maybe you guys need to try it on for a little bit. Yeah.

I'd like to buy your daughter. I got two cows and an oxen and a bale of hay. My buddy loved Bubble because he was on there all the time on Tinder. And then when Bubble started, people would be like, hi, how's your week? He's like, how's your week? Now you see how hard it's been for us. That line sucks, bitch. Yeah, I'm shutting you down.

Yeah, it was a weird time where it was like you didn't use pickup lines, but you kind of had to come with something. Come with something. You can't just be like, hello, how are you? It's like, get away from me, weirdo. Where'd you meet that tiger? Right. It's like, it was so dumb.

Are you on all the apps? I feel like you get, like, very annoyed on them. Very annoyed. I spent hundreds of hours on Tinder. I got laid twice. Really? It was not worth it. I could have gotten laid more just going out.

Yeah. I did get laid in Australia once, and we're fucking off Tinder. And then we're doing, I was doing, I spit on her pussy, and she goes, did you spit on my vagina? I was like, yeah. She goes, why do you like that? I don't know. The access act, right?

I was like, all right, I won't do it again. She goes, why do you like it? I'm like, all right. It's too late. I can't take the spit back. Sorry. Also, okay, you prude. Whatever.

It's not your face. I was licking it a second ago. Yeah, what's the fucking difference spit back. Sorry. Also, okay, you prude. Whatever. It's on your face. I was licking it a second ago. What's the fucking difference, man? Sorry. Go back to eating my ass. Yeah. And then we just kept fucking. I was like, all right.

I've never done. Who's that accent? I think that was like Cockney. I think that was Cockney as well. Hello, Muffet. Please send me a hand signal. How do I fuck it when you spit in my vagina? I got to do a new Australian tour. I got a Pe like Cockney. I think that was Cockney as well. Hello, Muffet. Please send me a packet where you spit in my vagina. I got to do a new

Australian tour. I got a Peaky Blinder. Let's get back. Are you, did you do apps? Oh, you're married, right? I'm married, yeah. You've been married for a while?

Yeah. Oh, like five years. Yeah, I never did the apps. I was like, I was married, but then I got divorced, but even once I was divorced, I never.

I never did the app. Jeremiah has an app closest church to me. He's never too far away from a confession. That would be a great app. Closest church. It's like... I have weed maps on that, so you can find a place anywhere.

Christ maps. Yeah, the, the, the apps to me are like a weird, um, if, if like, there's too many things where you see,

like they put it on Instagram. Oh yeah. Now record your thing. You know, it's like, it becomes a source of entertainment, not even a way to like, yeah.

Or whatever. Yeah. Once, once catfishing started, all that. Yeah. Right. It's like,

this is horrible behavior. You're ruining this for the whole world. Everybody. Because you're saying things that are like, at some point, you've got to make

one extra move. You've got to each top each other. So we're like, yeah, let's get together. And it's like, I think you're hot. It's like,

I think you are. Let's hook up. It's like, what? I'm just showing everybody. It's like, oh, right. Right, right. Especially if you have a little bit of notor notoriety it's like oh

that guy said that i remember telling norton to get on tinder he was like oh but it was like early tinder when no one he hadn't heard of it as it was i'm like it's just like a dating app early tinder and uh he goes yeah but like i'm sort of a celebrity they might recognize me he's like yeah dude yeah put your name and resume on that's the point like but but i do understand the other side of it where it's like when you say like i want to spit on your pussy and it's like well look at this guy does yeah yeah especially jim norton i want to get fucked in the ass while you watch with your husband it's not the easiest thing to just put out there but it just ruined what used to be like a fun like you know you get a little bit nervous and now it's like oh no you're gonna get like canceled

for it it is tough it's always in everybody's mind i do i also, and now it's like, oh, no, you're going to get canceled for it. It is tough. It's always in everybody's mind. I also don't think it's normal that when it was like finding someone at a bar, you would go out on like a Thursday, Friday, Saturday. You talk to like a couple people. Now it's like they go on like six dates a week. You know what I mean? It's like they line them up, and it's like that's not a normal amount of dating. You're in the bathroom, and she's immediately like, let me see who else is here. I'll put them all up. It's not, that's not a normal amount of dating. You're in the bathroom, and she's immediately like, let's see who else is here. I'll put them all out.

It's not normal. You don't give anybody a shot. You're getting too much sex, too much money, too much dating, too much. It's over. It's supposed to be you go to the bathroom, and then she's sitting there waiting. And then when you get back, like, oh, I think this couple's on her first date. Yeah, yeah, right, right. Instead, they're both like, this isn't going to work.

Let's go fuck somebody else. I do like how you're very anti-phone. I wish I was. I am as anti-phone as you. I'm just too cowardly depressed. Well, you'll do shit where you go away for a month, right? Yeah, I got to go back to a phone called a light phone. I got to switch my thing to it because I'm right back fully addicted.

Yeah. And it's just like missing moments. Well, you're smart enough to know when you're addicted and you're like, I'm off it for a bit. Yeah. Set limits. I give someone else a password and be like, I guess 40 minutes a day. Stefano just did that. He's about to do it.

And he was talking about it like going into rehab. He was like, this is going to be tough for me, but I know I got to do it. And I'm giving her the passwords. It's just the moments that you don't even think about it. I'm reading this book called How to Do Nothing. And it's just like these moments that you're like, your mind's supposed to wander. Thinking about good topics for a show, good internet topics. And you don't because you're like, well, I'm waiting for the bus or whatever, so I'll just do this. And you're like, that mind's supposed to wander. Thinking about good topics for a show, good Ask the Internet topics. And you don't because you're like,

well, I'm waiting for the bus or whatever, so I'll just do this. And you're like, that's the good time. But I also, that time is not the good time for me. It's always like the bad time now. Like when my mind is unoccupied, I'm just thinking about the worst things. Oh, really?

Yeah. That's because of the internet too. Right, right. Like it's all one. I need to get away from all of it. But when my mind is unoccupied, I'm thinking about all the bad things in my life and all of the stress. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. Maybe you should kill yourself. Yeah. Yo, speaking of. Yeah? Have you ever heard of this open mic comic, Kip Rusty Walker? No, it sounds awesome, though. Right, does it?

Kip Rusty Walker? Kip Rusty Walker. Kip, quote, quote, Rusty Walker. Dude, Mike Cannon just told us about him. I don't know. I don't know. He was an open miker in Oregon. You say was.

Right? And he performed a song called I'm Sorry for All the Mess on the keyboard. And then he stabbed himself to death on stage. 19-year-old Kip with two Ps. Rusty Walker kills himself on an Oregon stage. That's interesting. You don't see that every day. You don't see that. That's the most unique part of that story.

Stabbed himself in 2011. Stabbed himself to death with a 6-inch blade. The keyboard player had just finished a song called Sorry for All the Mess. At first, the audience clapped, thinking he was part of the act, then reacted in horror. It was an impromptu open mic night, and he got on stage with an electric keyboard and performed a song. At the conclusion, he cut himself with a knife at the heart level a number of times.

He killed himself. Yes. At an open mic. At an open mic. Stabbed himself. Walker collapsed in a pool of blood, and the audience began screaming, some trying to get on stage and help. Did he film it or anything? Yeah, did he film it?

The first thing he said was, got a mic and got a film. Something like this doesn't happen in any realm of reality. Yeah, I would say so. Wow. But also, what up? That is incredibly funny.

Respect. Throw it for that song. You saw it through. You had an idea for an arc. The whole thing. It's artistic on a level that we could almost never achieve.

He said, I need to remember his name so when people ask who your favorite time we're rusty walker he didn't kill himself because it was made he did it as part of his that it's beautiful poetic I've been telling literally everyone I can anyone who listen to them you know I have a new hero given when rusty Walker when what's the name jump off the Hyatt whoever that guy Rusty Walker. When what's his name? Jumped off the Hyatt? Whoever that guy was? Oh, yeah. I don't even know his name.

But that wasn't part of his act. That was just him killing himself. Right. Well, this is also, I don't know why this makes it worse for me. It was a coffee house. I don't know if that makes a difference. I'm thinking like a, I don't know, a place where there's like a bar where at least you're. It's like some crazy things happen.

Like a coffee house is just like. No one knows the levels of madness at low-level open mics. There's no HR. Anyone's invited to a semi-home deal. Anything can happen. Real fucking... I mean, mental patients.

Yeah. All the time. Oh, yeah. Really? Kip Rusty Walker, man. How many... Did you ever do open mics? Yeah, for five, six, seven years.

Really? Five, six, seven years. What's wrong with you guys that you just keep doing it even with socks? Five, six, seven years of doing open mics? Like, crazy. Yeah, I five, six, seven years. Really? What's wrong with you guys that you just keep doing it even with socks? Five, six, seven years of doing open mics? Like, crazy. Yeah, I remember Damon Wayans telling me to relax. It's not that bad.

He did them too. He just kept fucking doing it. I know. With no success. What other thing in the world is like, you go to the park and play basketball, and you can't even dribble. You can't, you know, you don't know what, you can't even run with two feet in front of the other.

And you just keep doing it until you. It's crazy. Well, that's the thing, though. Like, with using your analogy, like, you can't dribble anything. But every once in a while, you'll sink a shot where you're like, where did that come from? And then that's, you're left after that. Yeah, you get one laugh. You get one.

Wait a second. I'm on to something. I did a novel cafe. Did you ever do that one? I think Santa Monica. And somebody laughed. And I was like, come on, man. It's hard enough.

And I didn't realize. I was like, I. And somebody laughed and I was like, come on, man. It's hard enough. I thought it was funny. I was like, oh. You're in defense mode. Automatically assumed he was heckling. There was a golf machine, one of those spin golf, whatever those things are. Golden T. Golden T.

And they had cricket noises and you could hear them in between your silences. Like literal crickets. You don't have to be quiet in the back screen. It's quiet enough. And it's like, fuck. It's embarrassing. David Telly used to do this thing where the light came on.

It's time to get off, and it was neon. And it was over there. And he'd be looking here, and he goes like, here's how bad you're bombing. The slight hum of the light coming on. And you can hear it perfectly. Because no one's making a sound. Damn, Kip Rusty Walker.

19. I don't think we knew he was that young. That puts a little bit of a damper on it. I knew it, and I was intentionally... I didn't learn it right away, but in my research since I've learned it... Leave that out. He was definitely depressed. There's no doubt about it, but to go out like that... Gangster....is awesome. I'm nervous Ari's gonna I mean, he was definitely depressed. There's no doubt about it. But to go out like that.

Gangster. Is awesome. I'm nervous Ari's going to fucking do this. Who's matched my enthusiasm for Kevin. It's great. I mean, artistically. Not a good sign for you, bro. No, yeah, he should be helped and stuff. But artistically, there's no denying it's perfect.

You have your special tapings coming up. I do, yeah. If you want to see a worse comic than Kip Rusty Walker, come see my special taping June 12th and 11th in Brooklyn, New York. Tickets at rhshafear.com. I'll talk all about Judaism and shit, but damn, I'll never hit that level.

I will survive that comedy special taping. June 12th and 11th. You will survive it. Like right now, the audience knows they're not going to see. They're not going to see me blow it away. And also, who is stabbed? To not shoot it. We're doing one, two, three it away. Also, who is stabbed to not shoot it?

We're doing one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Also, the fact that you do that to yourself, have enough strength to keep going. To do it. Because you think that's it. Six-inch blade. I'd be like, boom. And then I'd be like, no. I'd do it again and again.

Strong commitment to the bit. Strong commitment. Because he had to make a mess. Sorry for the mess. It wasn't like, sorry with your mind. It was, strong commitment to the bit. Strong commitment. Because he had to make a mess. Sorry for the mess. It wasn't like, sorry for, you know, with your mind.

It was like, sorry for the mess. I wonder what the lyrics were. They were like, oh, wow, that pool of blood is very symbolic. Yeah, the lyrics would be

No, no, it was super literal. Like, you know, he's strumming the guitar being like, as I stay with myself. Keyboard. Oh, yeah, keyboard.

But like, imagine if it was very literal and everyone just like, oh, yeah, that's fair. Play one of those Reggie Watts loopers and he keeps playing the music. Oh, my God.

Well, I mean, I guess have a good special. Thank you and good night. Thank you and good night. What's the special called? It's called Jew. I cover that Shabbos Goy stuff in there. Why don't you add Kip Rusty to the mix? I'll see if he's Jewish.

Later, Diz. He's Jewish. I'll tell you what. You know what? I might put it at the very end. Like a special thanks in memoriam, Kip Rusty Wallace. Oh, dude. If you put it on your special thanks, that's pretty funny.

That's pretty funny. I legit might. I legit might. I have to think about it. It'll be buried somewhere, but I might. Yeah, like a deep reference, but we'll get it in there. Written and performed. Sunday, June 12th

Saturday, June 11th the first show Saturday sold out but tickets are at arieshafeer.com and get them now and come out oh my god

I can't get over this dude. He's your Tina, dude. Yeah. He's my what? He's your Tina. He's the one that got away, dude. So he didn't survive. Kip Rossi-Walker

he's your Mews. I mean right after that where they're like... Mios. The way he said Mios, I was like, did he just say Mios? It's your Mios. How did the coffee shop keep going? Were they like, half-off lattes?

They gotta shut that place down. They gotta make a special or something for them on the board. That place should be called Rusty Walker's. Or you can order a Kip Rusty Walker. I might see if I can get the stand to name a drink after him. Yeah.

The Rusty Walker comes in the... Hey, that sounds like a drink at a bar anyway. It totally does. Johnny Walker in a rusty cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the mules. The copper mug with some Johnny Walker, and then afterwards you kill yourself.

Make it strong so this will kill you. Yeah. You're drinking it willingly. Has a little, on the menu, a little blurb about it. You'd have to ask the bartender. Why is it called Rusty Walker? Well, let me tell you. Oh, he didn't know.

He goes, oh, you haven't heard? All right. We'll he didn't know. He goes, oh, you haven't heard? All right. We'll end on that note. AriShafir.com for the tickets. Jeremiah's already been here for like two and a half hours. You got to let him go. You're going to do garbage, right? I'm going to do all your garbage.

Have you done it for the first time? I have done it. I don't want to recount. Because the questions they asked were from the past. I don't like it. Well, so wait. Are you trying to not be garbage? Because being not garbage is lame.

No, it's not lame, you piece of trash. I was the first person ever to sit down. To not be garbage? No, to definitively say, I will not be garbage. He came in so hot. Like, I am. And then, like, three questions in there. Like, you are, like, the biggest piece of garbage I've ever had.

It's the worst when you're like have you ever like microwaved eggs? I think that was the question. I was like yeah, I mean in college and they're like writing down.

I was like no, no, wait, what are you writing? What are you writing? But see, I went on and I was like Garbage stenographer in the corner.

Read that back to me. I was like 50-50 like no, you know, and I was like ugh, this is so lame. They were kind of like you just like are, you know. and I was like, ugh, this is so lame. They were kind of like, you just like are,

you know? I was like, well, I'm just going to analyze it. I might kill myself at RE Garbage today. Can you imagine that? That would be class. This guy's bonkos! This dumb Hawaiian shirt. Literally never been out of pool.

This guy's trash. Alright, bozos, For the full death video Subscribe to our Patreon Alright thank you boys What an impromptu session That was great That was awesome That was a real good one

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