KFC Radio - Jackie Got Scammed Trying to Find a Sugar Daddy Ft. Jenny Mollen
Episode Date: June 7, 202200;18;07;12 - roman 00;34;13;10 - Yotta 00;53;34;18 - omaha 01;15;58;27 - helix 01;39;20;22 - blue nile - We did NOT approve of the new rainbow icon (not in a homophobic way) - we introduce our new i...ntern - there is some new beef amongst the KFC Radio crew - Jackie admits that she tried to find a sugar daddy and got scammed - Feitelberg has beef with the Mormon Swingers - Do happy people have less sex? - Top 5 D*ck Flick Movies - the 12 year old who tried to rob a liquor store is an idiot - Video Voicemails - Jenny Mollen interview on the story of how her and Jason Biggs first met, being obsessed with Jasons ex for a little, finding her career path and much more ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - New rainbow icon 06:17 - New Intern 20:05 - Jackie got a sugar daddy 35:55 - Mormon swingers 45:07 - Happy people don't have sex 56:00:14 - Top 5 D*ck Flick Movies 1:17:24 - 12 year old robbing liquor store 1:24:20 - Video Voicemails 1:40:33 - Jenny Mollen Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr
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Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ, Jack!
I didn't get it!
I didn't get it!
I didn't get it! It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network.
I got a bone to pick with someone who's not here.
Okay. Because I just totally blanked out on everything I wanted to do for the show
Oh no I got it but we'll go with that
For someone who's not here
That works here?
They work for KFC radio
I disavow changing our logo to the gay thing
I noticed that was done
I don't disavow changing our logo to the gay thing. I noticed that was done. I don't disavow it.
I was not asked about that.
That shit is performative and nonsense.
And I want everyone to know the KFC Radio Twitter icon was changed to the gay thing by a gay guy.
Yes, that is so true.
I don't have a problem with it, but I was not asked.
And that bothers me as a straight man, first of all.
It's my goddamn world and I get to make the decision Second of all
How many people
Have now been saying like
Oh look at all the corporations
On May 31st and June 1st
You know what's really funny
We're gay 24-7 dude
If you're changing it don't ever change it back
I like that
We'll be gay the whole year
We're gay every fucking day bro
This was changed by a gay guy Yeah I like that We'll be gay the whole year We're gay every fucking day bro But the gay guy changed it This shit's every day
You gotta let the gays do it
He gotta put it in the bio
This was changed by a gay guy
Yeah I like that
Yeah on the picture
This is
The gay guy made this picture
When we started selling our merch
Which I do like
Here's the problem
I actually really like
The rainbow logo
Yeah
And like last year
Or a couple years ago
Pat made that black shirt
Pocket shirt
That had the rainbow on it.
This year
Merch came up
with an awesome
moon man
that in the visor
is rainbow.
So I actually like it
but I do understand
that it's very cliche
but when we put that
on sale
we did the tote bag
we did the shirt
we're still selling it
all of our
all of the proceeds
go to some fucking
gay center
I don't know what it is.
Some place where
the gay kids hang out. It's probably just a front they all just blow each gay center. I don't know what it is. Someplace where the gay kids hang out.
It's probably just a front. They all just blow each other
or whatever. I don't know. As long as the gays are happy.
This all goes to a fucking LA fitness.
We buy gym memberships
for at-risk youth.
That is a funny,
that's a great way. You need a safe place
to blow a stranger? Here's a great way. You need a safe place to blow, to blow a stranger?
Here's a fucking gym membership.
Here you go.
So,
but when we put that on sale,
I was,
I was on Instagram
and Brianna put all her shit
on sale too
and she was like,
I didn't want to just be lame
and throw a fucking rainbow
on my merch
so here's what I did
and I was like,
well,
go buy my rainbow shirt.
She put together a nice one
that has like names
of important gay activists and stuff.
I was like, well, that's awesome, but I don't know any of these people, so I'm not going to do that.
What about a gay Neil Armstrong?
The first gay astronaut.
What would a gay astronaut have said if he stepped on the moon?
What would it have been?
What?
Maybe I'm going to FaceTime Joey. the moon what would it have been what maybe i might have maybe let's see i'm gonna facetime
joey i want to get his like first big step for mankind you know what would uh like it would be
a big dick comment or something it would be funny i i know i think he'd be like like uh i did it you
fucking bitches huh i'm facetiming him if i'll ask him Pick up you sassy little bitch I think the
The gay astronaut
Would have simply said
Ugh
And gone back on the plane
This is dirty
And dusty
Who
Who
Who decorated this?
Uh
Pine Thaw
Have you ever heard of it?
This is so fucking
Homophobic
This is so hack
It's unbelievable
Let's just say things
In an accent
That's what they would've done
The moon is dust
There's gonna be
Some gay astronaut
That's like
Fuck you guys
Yeah
Well I mean
He wouldn't have said
One small step
For my
Whatever
One what?
One small step
For man
One giant leap
For mankind
Yeah
Cause that's pretty lame too
No
Like he wrote that shit.
No, that's fucking...
Yeah, but he nailed it.
Yeah, but it's like, I mean, writing shit to do shit?
What do you want?
To just not have, like, a catchphrase ready?
Yeah.
What?
Yeah, just do your job, bro.
Don't make it a whole fucking thing.
It was a whole fucking thing!
Imagine that, like,
Neil!
Like, three, two, one!
And he steps, and you hear him just go like.
Like a fight over a grunt.
What do you have to say?
I just said I'm at work, man.
Leave me alone.
I'm just fucking walking on the road.
I hate talking on the phone at work.
I got stuff to do, bro.
Yeah, but no.
We're going to have to.
Listen, if we change the rainbow for Pride Month, well, come July, we're going to have
some straight shit on there.
We're going to have a pussy.
Just a big pussy. No, we can never change it ever there. We're going to have a pussy. Just a big pussy.
No, we can never change it
ever again.
We're stuck this way now.
And I hate it,
but whatever.
Yeah, fucking.
Zach, change me a picture
of your fucking face, dude.
Yo, shout out to Zach
who had a fucking line
out the door
around the corner
at the club this weekend.
I'm not even here to gloat.
Were any of you guys there?
Yeah, not.
Like the one time.
He couldn't get in. You couldn't get in? The line was so fucking big. We got to the line the corner at the club this weekend. I'm not even here to gloat. Were any of you guys there? Yeah, not. Like, the one time.
He couldn't get in.
You couldn't get in?
The line was so fucking big.
We got to the line, and we all went, yeah, we're not going in. And Zach was like, I don't even, I don't know if I can get you guys in.
Like, the place was mobbed.
The bouncers were being complete.
Like, if you didn't buy a table, they weren't, like, letting you in at all.
Jackie, Jackie went with their tits.
Nothing.
I'll put it in.
I'll put it in the show, but that's the line right there.
I mean, it in I'll put it in the show But that's the line right there I mean it's
It was a scene
So if you don't know
Zach DJs
Is DJ Zeno
With his partner
And they sold out
And had a line
Like out the door
Around the corner
At what was it
Chantel or something like that
Hotel Chantel
And now they're taking calls
From like Lavo and Tao
And all
What
Yeah
Yeah
Lavo and Tao
Apparently want him
To come do a set
So shout out to him.
It's very funny
that he's not here for it.
Because guess what?
Come Thursday,
I'm going to be like,
what's up, you little bitch?
Yeah, I was going to say,
congratulations.
No one put this part out.
Put out the part
where we're yelling at him.
It's also intern season.
And so we have added a member
to KFC Radio,
at least for the summer.
Feidelberg just met him.
He started last week.
Yeah.
Right?
And so we got Cole.
Come on down, Cole.
Cole, welcome to the show.
Cole's the new guy.
He is a lacrosse guy.
He's a lax bro.
Yeah, I can tell.
I see his hair.
Yeah.
Good flow.
Good flow.
True ginger.
But not the gross kind. ginger But not the gross kind
No not the gross kind
Like
You're the gross kind
Almost exclusively
Exclusively yeah
They call me a day walker
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah you can go
You can go both ways kinda
Yeah you're more
Prince Harry than Prince William
Right
That's a good way to put it
I mean if you have a good hair
You got a good beard
That's really the difference
Is like
And you're not fat
If you're fat, pale, and gross.
Give all these handsome features, makes you like less ugly.
Like you can have, like gingers are not, it's not that their hair is red, it's that gingers
are usually ugly.
I mean, that's the problem.
I don't know.
If you see a hot ass ginger, no one's like, oh, ginger.
They're like, oh, Harry's hot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
I'm a redhead fan.
Might be because I'm biased.
Because you are.
Because you are a redhead.
Boy, it is weird how like South Park just fucking ruined you guys.
Yeah.
Like it was not a thing and then it became a thing, right?
Middle school was not fun for me because that was right around the peak of like
gingers don't have souls.
Right.
I don't think it's, I think it's over though.
I don't think.
It's cliche.
This episode is the hack.
Yeah. It's over, though. I don't think... It's cliche. This episode is the hack. Yeah, yeah.
So it is, but it's like... But I bet you it's been ingrained in people a little bit.
Jackie, if you're out and you see a ginger,
would you and the girls be like,
oh, is it ginger?
No.
No?
I...
I'm struggling with this.
No, you don't say.
You don't?
No, no, no.
I think my friend group actually, we, yeah.
You all fuck gingers?
No, no, no, no.
What the hell were you trying to say there?
No, I was just saying like we had a conversation and there's no bias against gingers.
Yeah.
You should have said gingers faster there.
So what kinds don't you guys follow?
What's the other side of that list, honey?
Ginger's are fine, but those Asians, I don't know.
That's about anything below ginger.
How'd you get the job or internship?
I'm a viceroy for Ohio Northern.
Man, that viceroy program is just the minor leagues.
Everybody gets called up.
Pretty much, yeah.
Wait, where'd you go to school?
Some bullshit in Ohio, right?
Yeah.
School, Ohio Northern.
Yeah, when you said that, I was like, is that a place?
That's a fake ass school.
It's in the name.
It's in Northern Ohio.
Or Northern Columbus.
And you played lacrosse there.
Still do.
Still do, that's right.
I keep forgetting he's still in college.
Yeah, that's what it turns out.
I'm officially almost twice this guy's age. i mean what are you 20 21 21 so i mean
i'm you know 42 would be double that's your your ways off getting there you know what fucked me up
the other day after the 1970s thing um first of all first of all actually i don't want to say it
because i don't know if it's out there but someone was born in 1979 that i did not fucking know oh
uh i didn't know yeah i mean when he was telling me he was clubbing in new york in 92 i was
like wait a second how fucking old are you right right right um uh what else fucked me up this
weekend of being old is i was buying something or signing up for something online whatever it was
and they were like pick your age demo and i'm only i only got two demos left it was like 18 to 24 25 to the i was
35 to 44 and then after that was 45 to 60 and 60 plus that's it after that i don't even have a
fucking thing to click anymore like i only got two two clicks before i'm fucking dead that fucked me
up good too because i was like oh i'm not'm not even in the 24 to the 20 to 31.
I'm in the 30 to 41.
Yeah.
That's fucked.
Anyway, so you play lacrosse.
Are you good?
I hope so.
I think so.
Yeah.
I think that means he's good and he's being humble.
Yeah.
What do you think?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I agree with that.
How many goals do you score?
I'm a goalie.
You're a defenseman.
Can we get your stats?
I've scored zero goals.
I'm a goalie. I'm a goalie.
Oh, a goalie.
Okay, how many have you allowed?
Maybe you stopped.
I mean, that's quite a few.
What's your goals against?
Eight.
Seven point something.
I thought he was going to say something like three or four.
No, lacrosse I scored more than that.
That sounds pretty good.
I feel like anything above 11 is good.
But below 11 is good.
Yeah, just around there.
You just made that up, right?
Okay. Completely. I got the stats. I got is good. Yeah, just around there. You just made that up, right? Okay.
Completely.
I got the stats.
I got the stats.
Yeah, let's get the stats.
But I don't even know what these mean.
So you're going to have to translate for me.
Okay.
So we've got six games played, six games started.
That was COVID.
51 goals against.
That was COVID years.
This is COVID years?
Okay.
Yeah, this is when you were a freshman.
Yeah.
Freshman starter?
Yeah.
You were a freshman during COVID, and now you're a senior?
That's how old COVID is?
2019, 2020, yeah.
Holy shit, COVID's dead.
It's over.
We got 88 saves, four wins, two losses.
Okay.
66% winning percentage.
Yeah.
Do we have the other years, or is that?
That's all I got.
You win the right.
88 saves on, you know, is that on like 500 shots though you got to give me some context all right now here's here's the next
season i don't know what 17 games played what year was this uh last year so my okay so so
sophomore 17 games played 17 games started 118 goals against 111 saves, 12 wins, 5 losses. 12-5.
Not bad.
He's the Tuka Rask of Ohio Northern.
As a goalie.
Bro, what makes you be a goalie?
I've always wondered that.
Do you wear sweatpants or shorts?
Shorts guy.
Shorts guy.
You got it, right?
Are you just bruised up?
Oh, I have no feeling in my shins anymore.
That's disgusting, man.
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
So when you were a little kid, you were playing lacrosse.
Were you bad and you were like, I'll be goalie?
Or you were good and you were like, I'll be goalie?
You know what I mean?
I always feel like it's a thing like, I still want to play.
I'm not good enough, but I'll just be goalie.
Yeah, I don't know what makes people...
Hockey is you get to go to camp for free.
That's what I mean.
Some dumb shit like that where there's an incentive.
So yeah,
the trade-off is
it's, you know,
youth lacrosse.
We don't have a goalie today.
Who wants to jump in?
You don't have to run.
I was going to say
that would be my thing.
That was pretty much it.
Yeah, no cardio.
It was, I think,
like fifth grade
and the coach was like,
we don't have a goalie
who wants to jump in.
You just got to take
fucking bullets, dude.
Yeah, that took
some getting used to.
You fuck a lot of lax sluts?
Don't kiss and tell.
Wrong show, bro.
I was going to say, well, that will change.
So there's a little battle brewing in here, John.
Jackie and Cole are already feuding.
Jackie was like...
You fight with everyone so fast.
Yeah.
What?
How do you fight with everyone so fast?
No, he fucking...
Well, apparently...
We have to talk to you, young lady,
about fire people, by the way.
We have not since talked about that, have we?
Oh, well, fine.
I think she was trying to fire people.
Well, at this rate, who knows?
Because, so I witnessed it today.
So Cole, I guess last week, hit Jackie with the, oh, my God, gullible is written on the ceiling.
And she went, really?
And looked up.
And so I was like, God damn.
But I was like, yo, the new guy is already fucking clowning you.
And I thought that was a bull.
I was going to say ballsy.
And what was even funnier was
jackie said i told you not to tell anybody that as jackie always does but so then i was kind of
like damn like new guy is like shitting on the you know one of the stars but then nick said it
could be something to do with the fact that jackie's been like intern get me this intern get
me that no that's so what right. You're one of those people?
No.
Clearly.
Give a mouse a cookie, huh?
Seriously.
Well, as soon as she could become senior producer and shit, she did.
All this bitch wants is someone beneath her.
I just feel like I missed my opportunity with Favs.
To belittle him and berate him?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, no, no, no, no, no.
But also, then he instantly, when Cole came in, no respect.
Right off the bat. So it's like, if you're not, no respect. Right off the bat.
So it's like, if you're not going to respect me.
Give me an example.
What happened?
Well, the gullible thing.
Then he was like, oh, you believe the fire people thing?
That was Thursday.
He knew you for a couple days by then.
Wait, what else?
That was after you were like, intern, get me water.
He like snapped at me.
You said, get me some water.
I didn't.
You gave the snap?
I don't think I snapped.
By the way, you didn't miss your window with Pabs.
You kind of, like, bully him around, I think.
Do I bully him around?
You threw him under the bus, like, a thousand times.
Yeah, she was just throwing me under the bus.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
But you would always tell me that she was going to haze me and then never did it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So now you're going to haze.
I never, like, made Pabs get me water or anything like that.
Now you're doing that with him.
And now I'm going to, so it's like like I'm not going to walk anywhere to get...
I don't know.
It's just...
I just need...
No.
These boots were not made for walking.
So you forget you need something at Duane Reade
you're going to send down Cole.
Yeah.
No, you're not.
I'm the senior producer now.
I believe in him.
Because here's the thing.
Cole is reserved for doing that shit for us.
See, I'm never going to do it.
You can have mine.
I'm never going to do it either, but
maybe I will. And so at any given moment,
at any given moment,
if I need Cole to go run for something and he's running for something
for you, you're fired.
What?
Okay, but the thing is,
if you saw the way that this kid...
Cole, I need you to go get me something as simple
I want this sandwich I need a soda
I gotta have a soda go get it for me
and he's doing something for you you're fired
wait wait wait I want you
to see the way that he also
tried to convince me that like
England wasn't real or something
and you bought it
no I didn't I bought that you didn't think that it was
real and I was like was talking about like british people and how like the culture over there is just so
random and weird i was like you can't convince me that england's real and then you bought like
you thought i actually didn't think it was real no i didn't i just kind of was like, whatever. Go get me water.
She's dreaming about water.
I will say this.
You can't be snapping your fingers and getting waters and shit, but you're coming in too hot
with like, Jackie's the gullible girl,
so I'm going to prank him.
So you're both assholes.
This isn't how many assholes.
I'll take that.
How long have you been here?
You're three years here now?
What?
How long have you been here? Two. That years here now? What? How long have you been here?
Two.
That's not that crazy.
What?
He said ten.
Two and a half.
Yeah.
I don't know why.
I mean, you started during COVID, right?
Yeah.
Did you start before COVID?
No, no.
It was like...
But not in the office.
Weren't you in California before COVID?
I was in California.
I started June, August.
No?
August 2020?
August 2020.
Huh, okay.
I thought you were here longer than that.
It's been a long time.
Long time.
So we'll see how the power dynamic plays out.
And so wait, you are a viceroy,
and you're just nice with the cameras and editing and all that shit?
Or are you faking it?
Yeah, I'm not even supposed to be here.
I just faked it until I made it too hard.
I don't know why I'm here.
Okay.
I sort of pimped myself out and did work for other viceroys
because my school is so small I wouldn't get noticed.
So I did work for Ohio State, NYU,
all the bigger schools I did some graphics works for.
Okay.
All right.
We'll see how it goes.
Very nice. I also just want to
one last, like, whatever.
If I got a little bit more
respect around here, maybe I wouldn't
be craving it from
somebody, you know?
Maybe if you weren't such a dumb bitch, you would be
craving respect and attention.
I've heard that excuse on basically
every show ever where a divorce is happening.
Yeah. Maybe if at home, I got I've heard that excuse on basically every show ever where divorce is happening. Yeah
Maybe at home. I got a little love it. I wouldn't be outside
You are one of a kind all right good shit go back to whatever you're doing so as Cole probably runs around town trying to
bang
Lacks put it called max bunnies. Oh, Cole's got a girlfriend. You got a girlfriend?
No, I don't have a girlfriend.
I'm called LaCrosse.
LaCrosse-tutes.
Okay.
That did feel like that
for a second.
I told her I wouldn't
be talking about this
on the show.
He's out there
with LaCrosse-tutes
trying to make sure
he lasts long enough.
He's got his Roman swipes,
I'm sure.
You open them up.
You wipe them on.
It's like a little
moist towelette
where you, it looks like the a little moist towelette where you
it looks like the little buffalo wings
you know, towelettes where you wipe
clean yourself up. So if you wipe it on your dick, it
desensitizes your dick. It doesn't numb it. It just
desensitizes it where it almost feels
like you're having like an out-of-body experience
where you're like, it's in there
but I can't really feel it but I can feel it and then
the feeling starts to come back
as you, she's done or he's done and everyone's happy.
And then you start to feel it again.
You're like, fuck yeah.
It's a whole great process.
And right now you can get them for just $10 off.
$10 off is it?
$10.
$10.
Right now you can get it for $10 off your swipes when you get a monthly plan at getroman.com slash KFC.
You can keep them in your pocket, in your wallet.
They're quick to put on. Put them in the bathroom, in your bedside table. You can keep them in your pocket, in your wallet. They're quick to put on.
Put them in the bathroom, in your bedside table.
You can get it done real quick.
Girls, you should be encouraging.
I think girls should stop guys when you're in foreplay and hooking up
and be like, do you have any Roman swipes?
Don't be embarrassed.
It won't be at all.
Do you have any desensitizing swipes?
Do you have any fucking Romans on there? Do you have any desensitizing swipes? Do you have any fucking Romans on you?
Do you have any...
By any chance, do you have any moist towelettes that numb your dick?
In that fucking wallet, please tell me there's a fat Roman.
No condoms.
Just dick swipe.
I want you in there raw, but kind of numb.
I want you to last raw but kind of numb. I want you to last 25%
longer than average.
And don't transfer it to me,
your partner.
Go to GetRoman.com slash KFC.
Get $10 off your swipes when you choose
a monthly plan.
Wait, wait, wait. We've got to finish
up with her. Fire people.
Oh, right, right, right.
Oh, she says, oh, like, oh, yeah, that thing.
Do you realize, actually, I shouldn't say that.
I should ask you.
Had you not, all right, let me, I'm going to get ahead of myself.
Let me explain for the people who didn't know.
Last week, Zach went to Fire Island.
Jackie didn't know where Fire Island was, which is fine.
She's from the West Coast.
She said, what's Fire Island?
Pabst comes up with this joke in the group text, this prank saying Fire Island is an island off the coast of Long Island where if you go to the wrong side of town, you cross a line to their territory, there are fire people who will set you on fire.
And Jackie was like, wow, that's crazy.
I can't believe that that nobody's talking about that
that's nuts she tells it to all of her friends then we get told that she believed it in the
group text so we do a whole podcast segment like a 10 minute segment where the whole time she's
like yeah man it's fucking crazy these fire people are nuts and then um then she left the room as we
were doing the podcast and i was like can you believe she fucking bought room as we were doing the podcast. And I was like, can you believe she fucking bought it?
So we were talking to the audience and amongst ourselves that Jackie bought it.
We came up with all these ideas.
We were going to have people tweeting or saying that's where the derogatory – because Fire Island is stereotypically gay.
We were saying that the fire people are doing it to gay people.
That's where the term flamer came from.
We had a whole plan and we were going to run with it all summer.
Jackie happened to – we even thought we were going to get away with it because Nick said, I'll edit the podcast.
But for some reason, she was, like, checking the levels or something.
I dropped down to the exact moment.
She dropped into the podcast right when we said that it wasn't real.
Also, just so we're clear, Zach ruined it earlier.
He did?
Yeah.
Zach tweeted the screenshot of it for everyone.
She didn't see it.
We blocked her.
I also don't go on Twitter.
They went around and blocked it all. You also don't go on Twitter. You didn't see it. We blocked her. I also don't go on Twitter. They went around
and blocked it all.
You also don't go on Twitter?
You haven't seen it?
He tweeted like,
for people who are confused
about the Fire Island segment,
here's like...
But they had blocked her
so she wasn't going to see anything.
Oh, okay.
I see.
So,
well,
maybe not
because she doesn't go on Twitter,
I guess.
But how long
do you think
that could have gone on
had you not figured it out
through that?
I think,
and I'm going to say this, and and i'm gonna regret saying this yes very much so but i was kind of like under the
impression again that i'm like oh i'm smart like i'm not actually gullible it's kind of like half
a bit whatever oh no dear between the whole like gullible's written up on the ceiling The fire island thing That'll get me every time
Yeah right
If I can
If I can defend you here
That'll get me
And then
Or like something on my shirt
I always get something on my shirt
You can
You can boot me every time man
You can boot me
Give me ten minutes
You can boot me again
It was like
I have legs
When Jackie and Vitalberg
Are on the same team
Everyone's like
Yup
I have less recoil
For getting booped
On a
You got something on your shirt
bit than I do to have sex again.
It takes less time for me
to reach out. I'll be ready
to go for a boop
before
I'm ready to go to have sex again.
Alright, so wait, what were you going to say though?
So
this weekend I thought, I'm furnishing my apartment, right?
Furnishing?
What are you talking about, you're furnishing your apartment?
That means you're getting stuff.
You're getting stuff.
I promise you, you're not furnishing your apartment.
No, I'm putting...
You're going to Bob's, getting a fucking six-in-one couch that has, like, cup holders in the fucking
salad.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're working to put stuff in Ikea together.
I, well, yes, but I have a whole plan. I have vases. I have Pinterest boards. in one couch that has like cup holders in the fucking no no no no no no no no i well yes but
i have a whole plan i have vases i have pinterest boards it's furnishing an apartment oh you have
like a dream board thing yeah uh do you have an alan key in your hand then you're not furnishing
you're just building no yeah exactly that's what i'm saying that's the other thing i want to say
if this shit doesn't work out i'm becoming a construction worker i'm so god i'm gonna
construction that is my calling i know putting shit together no but i'm so glad that I'm good at construction. That is my calling. You are just putting shit together.
No, but I'm so good at it.
My mind just works in ways that's like,
oh, obviously this wrench is
going to go...
Are you looking at the instructions? No. Well, sometimes.
If you're not looking at the instructions, I actually
am. I don't think I really looked
at instructions. I'm not building full...
Whatever. We'll get back to that.
Okay. So I was like, I need money to furnish my apartment. Shut up. I'm furnishing the apartment. Oh, whatever. We'll get back to that. Okay. So I was like, I need money to furnish my apartment.
Shut up.
I'm furnishing the apartment.
Did you do something?
Did you defile yourself for money?
So then I was like, well, let's just like check out a sugar daddy site, right?
It's finally happening.
We're going to have an inside mole.
So I made a, what's it called? Whatever site.
Made a profile.
Found a sugar daddy.
Oh, wait a second. This is turning. I don't know.
This is getting really, really, really bad.
Don't worry. Don't worry. Nothing bad happens.
You use a real picture and stuff? Real name?
I use the name Addie.
And I use
I use a I did use a picture, which I was like, that was dumb.
I shouldn't have done that.
So I had my face and everything, but I was like, oh, it's Addie.
No music for me, whatever.
So then I was like, no, but here's the thing.
This is no judgment zone.
And nothing bad.
I never agreed to that.
I almost exclusively judge on this show.
Yeah, we always judge.
No, okay, keep going.
I'm not in judgment mode. I'm in dad mode.
No, because I was like, I'm not
going to say anything. I'm just going to
see it out. And like,
if I can make just a quick 500 bucks
from talking to a guy for a week.
We're going to do this.
Well, that's the thing. It's like, I'll send a picture.
I'll send a picture. I'll send a picture.
I'll send a picture.
Jackie, before you become a sex worker,
talk to me in kind of a way.
Yes, please.
I'm like the parent who says, like,
you can drink in my basement.
That way I can control it.
If you're going to pimp yourself out,
like, I'll be the pimp.
We'll get real money.
We'll do this right.
I know, but then I was just like,
this would be like...
Women will give you money.
No, also, this is not a way... No, no, no. I'm talking about, we'll do this right i know but then i was just like i was just like this would be like any other woman will give you money no also no no no this is fucking this is not a way to like be like oh can you guys give me more money this was i wasn't gonna this is a funny story i wasn't gonna
tell anybody i was just gonna get the sugar daddy and like well i was mostly just gonna see if i
could just talk and get some money out of that he said his wife died in covid
he said your allowance is so real your allowance is what five hundred dollars a week and i was like
so dead so then i'm talking what is what is a week entail though just like one date or like
five no no no virtual all virtual i was like just virtual relationship you have to talk to him like
every night just talk to him every night.
So for 48 hours, I just chit-chatted.
Texting or FaceTime?
Texting, FaceTime.
Nothing sexual, nothing at all.
And I was like, he was very.
This sounds like a little mentor-mentee thing.
I don't know.
This is not so bad.
Yeah.
So then I was like, I could just.
Sorry.
Once again.
I was just like, I could just vibe with this guy.
Just vibe.
For a little bit.
And then he ended up, it ended up, so then he, it basically, it was all a scam.
I gave him like a little bit, I didn't give him too much information, but I gave him like
a little bit of information.
And then he ended up, it was obviously like.
What information did you give him?
All I gave was like my name.
Okay.
So you, so he subscribed or whatever to Addy.
How was he going to scam you?
And then you were like, actually, by the way, it's Jackie Nichols.
You were right away with it.
Then I was like, it's Jacqueline A. Nichols.
Like all this.
He said, what bank are you?
Did you bank out?
And I said, ****.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ, Jack.
I didn't give him.
I didn't give him.
I didn't give him.
I didn't give him my bank. I didn't. I honestly didn't give my bacon.
I obviously didn't give my bacon, like, whatever.
Fucking no way.
I'm trying so hard to fucking, you know, mold young minds.
Teach them how to be fucking Street smart and stuff
And how to live
And you gave them the bank and the name
When you said that dude
You put an exclamation point
You're like
Yeah yeah
He's like I'm not asking for your routing number
I was like okay
Then like what's the problem
And then so then I ran it by all my friends
And they were like yeah it seems fun
But I forget like my friends are also idiots
Yeah
I can't keep doing it
You've talked to men before right
No I know
How many of them
within moments of meeting you asked where you bank well that's like he's gonna give me 500
that's the thing that's how they get these people like i'll send money to your bank account yeah
what is it and also what's your mom's maiden name and your dog's first name and all that shit
because there is gonna be like money in bank account talk that's why it's gotta all be legit
you gotta set up like a burner account and yeah a venmo account that's only for that so then i was like so then i was like well can like i feel more
comfortable venmo can you do that and he was like no and i was like okay here's my bank account
then my yeah you are wait you so wait you gave him you gave him your account number no oh my god no
so then so then he i was like this guy like doesn't so then i was like he like doesn't speak
english very well.
Real quick.
Oh, he didn't speak.
Is your account number hooked up to this site that you were trying to get money for?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I was emailing.
He was a Nigerian prince.
I was going to say, he didn't speak English very well.
I'm really shocked by this.
So then he was like, I'm from Georgia, born and raised.
And I was like, that feels like a red flag because you're not speaking English very well.
This is all texting or email?
This is all texting. This is all texting. And then. Why feels like a red flag because you're not speaking English very well. This is all texting? This is all texting.
This is all texting.
And then.
Why is Georgia a red flag?
Because he doesn't speak English well.
No, it's just like he should be speaking.
Like if he's from Georgia.
He's from Georgia, America?
I was going to say Georgia is a country that can, you know.
No, no, no.
Georgia, America.
He was like, I'm a Southern.
It was like a whole lot.
We talked like a lot and I still didn't figure this out. it was crazy he sent me pictures of him and his kids he said his wife
died from covid and he was like he's just trying to like be like get just vibes you know whatever
and then i still didn't pick up on it and then like looking back on it it was every single red
flag possible yeah and then finally he was like could you be so kind
to send money to my caretaker like i'll send you 500 if you could send me like 1800 and then like
i'll send it back to you right away and i was like okay okay here we go obviously scam how about
now sober drunk this was super sober all weekend yeah yeah but um but the point is like you think
that because i got scammed with a foot picture a while ago, that I would have learned my lesson.
Yeah, no.
It's the same thing.
Didn't learn the lesson.
And then I just was like, okay, we're not that smart.
We just got to be a little bit more careful.
We got to adjust.
We got a game plan.
We got to change.
We're no longer a running team.
We got to try to attack through the air.
We're just not smart.
You can acknowledge the problem.
Yeah.
Right.
The first step is acknowledging.
I know this. I don't live and Yeah Right The first step is acknowledging I know this
I don't live and learn
I just live
And I know this
But it's like
I like that quote a lot
I don't live and learn
I just live
I'll tell you how we're gonna pay for your shit
There's a t-shirt that says that
That's what's up
I don't live and learn
I just live
I like that a lot
So I'm working on it
But yeah
Now are you still
An active sugar girl right now?
Are you still looking for it?
No, I think I'm done.
I think I learned my lesson.
You learned your lesson.
I mean, here's the thing.
I genuinely do not look down on it at all.
But then when I hear someone I know doing it,
I get scared.
I get nervous.
Like, the dad in me is like,
don't do that.
You don't know who you're getting involved with.
What if they become a stalker?
It's not like, oh, I think you're trashy if you do shit.
I swear to God, if I was a chick, I would absolutely do it.
I guess if I was a chick, I would have all the nerves and shit.
If I had a chick with my brain, if I became a chick tomorrow somehow, I would be a whore.
A literal whore.
I would let everybody fuck me for money is what I'm saying.
But for other girls, it's like –
I would be more likely to have
sex for money than I would to text
you all night. Text five nights a week?
Like seven nights a week? That's fucking brutal.
How about this dude? How about you shut the fuck up
I'll come over and suck your dick if you stop texting me.
Yeah like we could do this
in a matter of three minutes or over the course
of like 30 hours a week. I'll be the fuck alone.
But like I think you know
there's such a market for like foot pics or like tit pics'll be the fuck alone. But like, I think, you know, there's such a market
for like foot pics
or like tit pics
that don't include
your face and shit
that there's ways
to do this,
but I'm also just like,
once,
like I'm joking about it
and then once she started
to say that she was
really doing it,
I was like,
okay, wait a minute.
I'm just joking.
Here was my thought process
was like,
I'll get like DMs
from like being like,
I'll pay for stuff
or whatever,
but I'm like,
that's a little too, like I wouldn't do that. That's like too close to home. Nothing casey like, I'll pay for stuff or whatever. But I'm like, that's a little too...
I wouldn't do that.
That's too close to home.
Nothing casey-ready.
But if it's a 50-year-old man who has a noisy idea of what Barstool is, if he were to out
me, I would just out him if he is this whatever.
Yeah, but also, don't you feel...
Well, this guy's wife died of COVID.
Don't you feel like there's maybe a way to do it?
I think if you're open about it all
it kind of takes away any of the stigma like if jackie was like i get kfc radio listeners to pay
for my shit and i'll tell you about it we'll do a segment on it you won't you won't out anybody's
names or anything there are just men who will pay money to girls for affection attention sex
whatever it's just a matter of whether you want to do it. I'm always like, rock on,
but then I
get nervous for you.
I just decided I'm just going to be good at my job.
I'm just going to do that and then get money
that way. There you go. Quit your job and become
No, just become good at this job.
Keep trying to make money this way.
Cool.
I like that one.
Make a t-shirt that says says I don't live and learn
I just learn
I just live
yeah
and you get money that way
okay
you'll get a merch bonus
and that'll be
way more than
talking to an old guy
with a dead bitch
yeah yeah yeah
well he didn't
that wasn't even real
but yeah
yeah yeah
anyways so
that's that
nice
and then you know
you do
if you wanna
I would say
once we get desperate enough
just start an OnlyFans so that it's your – you control that.
It's your money.
I'd much rather talk to an old guy.
Really?
See, I think it's like you're relying on an old man to pay you for – like you'll just be in your house doing what you want to do and shit.
You control what happens, not them.
I would think that.
I would think an OnlyFans is more empowering to you
than the other way around.
Where it's like, tell me what to do, what do you want me to say,
blah blah. It's like, I'm gonna
play video games in a bikini, and that's that.
And whether you like it or not, it's up to you.
Jackie, never change, babe.
Never change.
And if you need money,
you can always go to yada.com
Yada, yada, yada.
Where you can get cash prizes without ever losing a cent.
This is what Jackie needs.
It's like the lottery, except the lottery you have to pay for a ticket, right?
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It's a savings account where every $25 deposited gives you a ticket.
This sounds awesome.
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the more money you make your money is fdic ins, so it's a regular bank account.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
Save money and get rich.
That usually works hand in hand, but also get super extra. But like, yeah, cut the interest and all that sort of shit out.
You just win.
Bam.
This is crazy.
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it's not like you're paying them $25.
It's just like you're using their bank account.
And then they're going to insure it because I know that's what they're doing.
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What were you going to say before?
I have a few things.
I'll run through them real fast.
Real quick.
Notebook segment.
One, it's kind of died down now, but I texted Kevin about it over the weekend.
They were huge on TikTok last week and viral and all this.
The Mormon swingers, who everyone wouldn't stop
talking about they're they're a famous tiktok couple that are mormon married they they do the
polygamy thing they're both like young and hot you know hot enough yeah in the grand scheme of
the world for being in provost maybe what's that mean that's in utah oh yeah but that's what i mean
like but in the grand scheme of the world there there are dudes who are like, that's a hot chick.
Yeah.
They're attractive.
They're regular.
They're not grotesque.
They ended up getting a divorce, right?
So that was part of this.
They broke up.
They're like, people fall in love with TikTok couples.
People don't realize this.
You become fans of TikTok couples, and there are people who are like, oh, I love Gracie and John.
Did you hear they're getting a divorce?
It's like, of course they're getting a fucking divorce.
They were a normal married couple.
Now they have millions of dollars.
They want to just go live their own lives because they secretly hate each other.
But this, they broke up, and then they also kind of snitched on the whole fucking Mormon community.
Swinger scene, yeah.
Yeah.
But here's the fucking thing.
This is, I have two, I have two But here's the fucking thing. I have two
here's the thing about
the internet.
Little bits in the notebook here.
Now one, here's the thing about the internet.
Is they lie to get you clicks.
You may have just heard about this.
But they're not swingers,
dude. They're not swingers.
Everyone's been calling them swingers.
They're not fucking swingers.
They got divorced because she fucked someone. So they cheated. It's been calling them swingers. They're not fucking swingers. They got a divorce because she fucked someone.
So they cheated. It's called soft
swinging. They don't fuck other people.
That's not a swinger. They fuck
their spouse in the same room
as another couple fucks
each other. There's no fucking
intermingling. The reason they got a divorce
is because they intermingle. But they
make out and shit. That's
what it is. I don't know that.
Because they said everyone hooked up.
She says in her video.
But that's why they're getting the divorce.
Well, she said in the video that I made out with all the husbands.
He made out with all the wives.
I think that is okay.
I think what happened is she got dicked down by one of them.
Okay, well, that's still not swinging.
Yeah, it's like you're kissing other girls in the room and then you fuck your husband.
That's called being like a slutty chick at a party.
I mean, like, literally, that's just like're kissing other girls in the room and then you fuck your husband. That's called being like a slutty chick at a party.
Literally, that's just like what I did through college.
My whole fucking college career was fucking in the same room as other people fucking.
That's what a college dorm is. That's how converted triples work, man.
There are people having sex with you five feet away.
You can reach out and touch them.
Bro, when I was a fucking sophomore, the summer, the shore house I got.
Oh, shore houses, forget about it. Me and my
boy's feet were touching.
We had our beds. There were no girls even
there. The room was so small
that our beds were like this.
I'd sleep head over here. He'd sleep head over here.
Your feet were touching while you're back there.
We'd be having sex because the room was only this fucking big.
Dude, let me tell you something.
That's more of a fucking swinger party than these are.
Let me tell you something right now. T you something. That's more of a fucking swinger party than these are. Let me tell you something fucking right now.
Tickling toes with your boy when you're fucking is a whole level of comfortability.
I'd rather touch dicks than touch toes when fucking.
That means every time your feet go kind of back and forth as you're rocking, and it's just like your piggies are touching.
Your big toes are tickling
but occasionally
you graze a body part
bro you get a little
graze like right up
your fucking
the arch of your foot
while you're fucking
actually
now I'm gonna get into it
I'm getting my feet tickled
while it's going
while shit's going down
sign me up
but yeah
like if you're just like
I do think there was
a little bit of intimacy
but I don't think
they were fucking each other
and nowadays in this world of the upside down pineapple era, you know what I'm talking about?
Like, swinging is almost cliche now.
Dude, you know what I learned?
I was getting drinks with Nick Trani and his dad, actually, yesterday.
And a straight dad.
And it was awesome.
I had a blast.
But Nick was telling me about their trip to Put-In-Bay.
They went with Rediscovering America, which is like one of the trashiest places in the world, but also a huge swinger place.
It's so embraced by the swinger community that the hotel they stayed in on the fucking, you know, the do not disturb.
Swingers or not.
It was a pineapple.
Yeah.
And it had the hook on both sides.
Right.
And that way people do it on cruises is what I learned. Cruises are big time swing spot. But no, but like the hotels. Yeah. And it had the hook on both sides. Right. And that way, people do it on cruises is what I learned.
Cruises are big time swing spot.
But no, but like the hotels in Racing.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, that's like, that's incredible.
Because that's like the Swinger Motel, the Swinger Hotel.
You think it was that one spot or everywhere?
I would guess probably everywhere.
I also learned why a pineapple.
Is it the, what is it?
It's just, it's so clear when that fruit is upside down.
Yeah.
So it was to be in the market and stuff like that.
Oh, I don't know about that.
It's just like if that's in your car, like an apple upside down in your car or like a watermelon can't go upside down.
There's nothing else can really go.
But when a pineapple is upside down, it's very clear.
Oh, oh, oh.
You don't accidentally put a pineapple upside down.
I see what you mean.
I got it, I got it.
I think what I saw was somebody did something,
like they made a piece of art with a pineapple where it's like the way, whatever, I was wrong.
That makes perfect sense.
You have to intentionally put a pineapple upside down.
But also, I wonder, is it easy to make a pineapple
go upside down?
Like, I feel like it wouldn't.
Definitely, like, lean it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
Well, then there's also the Adirondack chairs.
I don't know what that, I think the pineapple – so here's a right side up pineapple means
you are interested in swinging.
The upside down pineapple means –
Oh, so pineapples in general.
Yeah.
I think the upside down means we got the people.
We're ready to go.
So I saw on the TikTok they had – people made a welcome mat that has a pineapple
and you either can turn it this way.
I've actually seen that.
That way.
But like,
you got to realize
that there's some fucking mom out there
who just likes pineapples.
Yeah, right.
She's buying this thing
and then she might even,
I don't know,
put it this way,
that way,
whatever.
It's like all of a sudden
you got people knocking on your door.
So you got to beware of the pineapple.
I think it's awesome.
What?
Well, I think it's awesome in theory.
Pineapples?
I do think pineapples is the top tier fruit.
I think pineapples and watermelon are, like, awesome.
I could take pineapples for, like, three days straight.
I couldn't feel my mouth.
Like, I don't get it.
Yeah.
But I think there's this allure about it.
I think it's cool.
Like, you know, I i'm gonna fucking put this
thing upside down and like some smoke's gonna come knocking on my door and like yeah her husband is
gonna be jerking over the corner but like whatever like you're gonna get some grotesque animals
knocking at your door it's like a nude beach yeah yes it's not the people you want to see right but
i'm sure they're i'm sure they're elite circles there are that's what I mean but I would guess most swingers are like I'm gonna fuck you yeah yes
yes
it's like
you see me
and you've seen you
right
what just cause we're both
perverts
we're gonna fuck each other
well that's
yeah that's what it is
my standards exist though
yeah it's like
I'm a swinger
but I have pride
as a human
but I think it is cool
I just think any of this shit
is cool
like
sex has become
such a nerve wracking thing for so long
that it's like, we're just going to fucking mix it up, bro.
Like, monogamy, whatever.
Like, we're going to cut out the middleman, whatever.
You don't have to do the apps.
You don't have to do this.
I hope that it's like knock on the door, and they go, eh.
And you either just go, yes, yes.
Like, it shouldn't be like, I knock on your door
because you have the upside-down pad on, but you have to fuck me now. Yeah, I mean, the pressure's yes, yes. It shouldn't be like I knock on your door because you have the upside-down pineapple,
you have to fuck me now.
The pressure's there, though.
Well, that's the thing.
If I knocked on someone's door
and they were like, yeah, sorry, no,
I'd be like, well, then fuck you.
You were asking for it.
Yeah, right.
The idea that you're a swinger,
the swinger means you have to fuck anybody
at any given moment because the upside-down pineapple is a little bit far-fetched.
But I think overall, big time down with the swinger community while not being in it.
I'm like, good for you guys.
That's awesome.
I think this whole system is awesome.
You got secret fucking fruits and secret codes and you all fuck each other and you have fun.
I don't think I can do it, but I'm happy for you guys.
Yeah, if you're happy, I'm happy.
Yeah, like –
Good for you.
You think you can swing?
No, fuck no.
No, I don't think I could either.
No, no, no.
I'm not, like, possessive, but I don't like people I'm with fuck around.
But, like, if you met somebody, I think I could. If I met like a person who was like, I want to do this.
But like I just think there's – you will always end up – there will always be problems.
You know what I mean?
No matter how free loving you are.
Like if some girl was like, I am obsessed with you.
But like – and I want only you and that's it.
But I think it's hot if like you're watching me and we do this kinky shit.
But like I will always end up being like, your's better i love you i want to come home to
you i'd be like i could maybe do it but then that that never holds up you know what i mean a little
secret about me i'm quite insecure yeah right you gotta be i that's why i'm also super like
impressed with i think that these people kind of get a rap about them but i think they're like more
evolved when it comes to romance and hooking up and shit.
I think we put so much into it that it's like we get upset, we get insecure, we get jealous, and they're just like, we don't do that.
We all fuck each other and we'll have a good time.
They fuck too much.
I'm trying to get to a point in life where I don't fuck.
That's right.
You're trying to erase the sexual.
Well, because I think happy people don't fuck.
Strong disagree.
Really?
Because, like, the biggest – like, your friend who's addicted to pussy, like, he fucking –
Well, I didn't say sex addicts are happy.
And then, like, I think there's – you know how people say, like, with, like, antidepressants and Lexapro, like, kills your sex drive?
Yeah.
I think they make you happy, bro.
They don't kill your sex drive.
They make you happy.
You know what I –
And happy people have no need for sex.
I don't know if I totally agree.
So I'm not fully co-signing that.
But what I will tell you, what I will tell you, I think the worst thing that can happen to you is you find your like bomb-ass sexual soulmate because when you if you think about the way people talk about
like good sex it's it's literally the same way you talk about drugs where you're chasing the high
and you like you that's what it is that's why like when you're so when you find when you find
somebody that you fuck or you start to fuck in a way that's like this is the best like everything's
on the table.
We're doing it all.
We're swinging.
Whatever kink gets you off the most.
And you find that person that you're so compatible with.
And then it's like doing heroin.
Yeah.
It's like now I'm addicted to this.
Again, it literally is.
It's releasing dopamine.
Right.
Not heroin.
It's literally doing it like a drug.
But it's in a way, too, that it's like, I can't get this with other people.
The same way it's like, can't get this with other people.
The same way it's like, oh, just drink or do weed, smoke weed.
It's like it's heroin, dude.
It's like, yeah, I could fuck that other person, but they don't fuck like that.
You end up making bad decisions.
You go back to the well.
You shouldn't be with them, but you can't stop.
So when people are like – I wouldn't do heroin because I would like it too much.
You know what I mean? People say shit like I stay away from it because once you open up one of the pandora's box it was a thing to say like
yeah oh you do like the most addictive drug in the history right no fucking kidding now yeah
but like i i think that you know people are like they're longing to find like their soulmate or
they want to click in bed and then when it happens it's like well now this rules your life now like
nope you you open up that door you can't go back Dude I have like
When I'm happy
And when I'm depressed
There are
Distinct differences
In my sexual habits
Yeah
And I mean like
In every like
Dude when I'm like
When I'm like
Happy
And I'm
Fucking eating well
I'm exercising
Things are going well
In my life
And I'm just
I'm just happy
Small window
But the
When was that?
Like I don't I don't fucking I'll jerk off once every five days.
Yeah, you don't need that.
Because I don't need that hit.
Right.
When I'm depressed and the shades are down and I'm ordering fast food three times a week.
I mean three times a day.
Bro, by the second time that Wendy's dude comes, I got dry comb on my hands and I'm trying to decide if I'm going to wash or not.
I'm like, fuck it.
I love, by the way – Because I'm just like, fuck it. I'm just like, decide if I'm gonna wash or not I'm like fuck it because I love by the way
because I'm just like just like fucking like I'm just like all right one and then you just get that
one hit of dopamine like all right okay never mind my life sucks and then and then you're like
just trying to like wait until you can go again I love how you said there's distinct differences
in your sex life and proceeded to only talk about masturbation oh yeah like like I thought you were
gonna be like I fuck like this and I fuck like that.
No, no, no.
I mean, that too, but what happens?
What do I do more often than have sex?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So when you're depressed,
you're like punching bitches in the face and shit.
And then when you're happy,
you're just like missionary love?
It's like, when I'm happy, I'm Leo.
It's like doggy and headphones.
Yeah.
Wait, no.
No, no, no.
When I'm unhappy, it's like...
It's a transact.
I just want to get something out. a transaction I just want to get something out
Yeah
I just want to feel something
Get the poison out, yeah
If you want to stab me while we're here
That'd be great
Right, right, right, right
Just put my hand on the stove
See if I can bleed
The
The
It's very
So that's what
I'm trying to get somewhere in life
Where I don't have sex
Because that means I'm happy
It's like Kanye trying to get so rich
He doesn't have a house
It's counterintuitive But it kind of makes sense I want to get so rich he doesn't have a house. It's counterintuitive, but it kind of makes sense.
I want to get so fucking happy that I have no need for sex.
Because happy people don't.
You look at fucking husbands and wives.
People who have been together for 60 years.
Not the ones who just gruff around like fucking sitcom grandparents.
People who genuinely love each other.
I bet they haven't fucked since the 70s, dude.
No, see, I disagree with that.
I think what it is is you've found somebody.
I think the problem is when you find somebody who fucks good,
it's never the person who also, like, loves you and is good to you and all that shit.
I think the true genuinely happy people in relationships
are the people who are satisfied, like like sexually and socially and all that shit
and also they're like a good person to you and help you and you're comfortable and all that
sort of shit yeah the problem is that usually those don't match up it's like i'll fuck you
like a savage but i'll also like stalk you and torture you and and hate you and jealous of you
and all that shit and then or like i'm loving and caring but it's like you could not be more boring in sex and in travel and all the fun shit.
God bless you.
That's gone.
That was right fucking there.
No, it's gone now.
Brutal.
But I think the happy people are the ones that match up.
And it's rare, but you find it and you're like, oh, wow.
So I get all of that crazy shit.
And then also like afterwards you're like, how i help you i disagree i think i think the you think sex is the problem i think sex of course sex is the problem but like but yeah yes yes sex
is like the root of all evil so the happy people have no need for that that's fucking you fucking
idiots can go ruin your lives with that shit you don't think there's some uh like biological
element you think that they turned off like the craving?
I know when I'm happy.
So maybe I'm just speaking,
maybe I'm projecting
I'm just speaking for myself.
I know when I'm happy.
I don't need to cum.
I think you're weird.
But also,
wouldn't that make sense
if Lexapro,
like it kills your sex drive?
Like, yeah, you're happy now.
I don't think it does. You don't need that fuck? yeah, you're happy now. I don't think it does.
You don't need that fuck.
It definitely does.
No, but I don't think it makes sense.
It definitely does, but I don't think it does make sense.
I think.
That your happiness is connected to you not getting laid.
I think what happens.
Orgasms are releases open, so that's a quick hit.
That's the crack of happiness.
Right, right.
Whereas this is like, I got it all the time, man.
I'm too happy, man.
It's probably steady, right? It's not as high, but it it's steady that makes sense but i so you're you're replacing it
you're not i'm replacing it with joy it's not the problem replacing it with genuine happiness but
you're not genuinely happy what are you doing oh i'm not no i'm saying that's what i'm trying to
get to yeah yeah yeah no i mean what you're saying kind of makes sense i don't think it's
the full correct answer but i think it's like, I think sex becomes problematic. I think it becomes,
you get in a relationship that's bad
or you get sex
and then it gets taken away
and all that shit.
But I don't think no need for it is.
That's the fucking pinnacle, baby.
I'll tell you what.
You want to reach the mountaintop of happiness?
Fucking,
you never fucking ever again.
I'll tell you what.
Here are your two choices, right?
And it is tough because what I'm going to give you in door number A,
door letter A, number one, it's
sex. It's some bomb ass sex.
It is pineapple upside down without the swinging.
But it's like you're getting
you're throwing people through walls.
You're fucking putting them in meat grinders. It's a Fast and Furious
fight scene. Yes, it's a Fast and Furious fight scene.
Everything's even. People are coming out.
There's blood. There's sweat. There's scene. Everything's even. People are coming out. There's blood.
There's sweat.
There's cum.
There's sex.
People are missing limbs.
It's that sex.
On the other side, you have an afternoon alone.
Maybe it's even raining.
Nobody's doing anything.
And your favorite rewatchable movie is on.
Your favorite dick flick movie is on.
And you get to order
all the food you want and it comes to your door
and you just sit there alone. Maybe you've masturbated
before. Maybe you've masturbated.
That's not what I do when I'm happy.
You're out on the masturbation but you get to watch
your favorite
perfect Fast and Furious type movie.
I don't know.
That's a tough one what makes you happier
that sex
or watching like
Hobbs and Shaw
and those guys
Toretto and
Lou Chris and all them
it's not Hobbs and Shaw
yeah
I just didn't know
any of their names
Jesus Christ
yeah
what's Tyrese's name
I'm embarrassed for you
right now
okay
it's Toretto
and
Brian
whatever was his name
Paul Walker
which one's better
Leddy's in the fam
Tej Parker
I guess I'll take the sex
I'm gonna
spice up the dick flick
you also get some Omaha
steaks with it.
You also get a perfectly cooked Omaha filet mignon from Omaha Steaks.
In this case, it's easy.
We're talking with the dad, the Father's Day package.
It's dad's package again.
You know how we do.
It's a $250 value of all this meat for just $99.
They don't have it listed out this year, but because they,
I think they know it's almost too much of a good deal because when it comes down to it, you get,
you get burgers, you get steaks, you get all sorts of meats, you get sides, you get desserts,
all of it for just 99 bucks. It comes delivered right to your door, vacuum sealed, frozen, all ready to rock, all fresh.
And it's the Dad's Want Steaks package.
You get new, bigger, and better steak burgers absolutely for free on top of all the other smorgasbord of meat.
Actually, can somebody go to OmahaSteaks.com right now?
Type KFC in the search bar.
I'll tell you exactly what you get.
Everything is backed by their 100% money back guarantee.
So if you don't like any of the products
or if there's a problem with the delivery
or something along those lines,
you get your money back, no problem.
But on top of all that,
just type KFC in the search bar at the top there.
That's what I like about them too.
Do I do a promo code? Do I do this? Do I do that? Just go right at the top, click KFC in the search bar at the top there. That's what I like about them too. Do I do a promo code?
Do I do a this?
Do I do that?
Just go right at the top, click KFC, search it, and what do we get?
The package is usually just eight.
You get eight free burgers in addition to – read that off there.
You get four bacon-wrapped filet mignon, four pork chops, boneless pork chops,
four air-chilled boneless chicken breasts, four gourmet jumbo franks,
four caramel apple tartlets, which you know is the fucking signature of Omaha Steaks.
Plus, you get eight of the free Omaha Steak burgers.
All for $99.
You can also upgrade a little bit more.
You get four more filet mignon burgers,
four kielbasa sausages, and three
individual scalloped
potatoes. How do you say it? I'm a scallop guy.
Scallop potatoes. I say scallop because I'm not an idiot.
For another... Gordon Ramsey says scallop
just to be clear. Yeah, well, whatever.
So you can add that on if you want, but all of this
when you go to omahasteaks.com and search kfc well i mean that's a no-brainer now you're picking the
fucking movies and the stakes what would you um what would be your your your dick flick movies
that's what today's top fives is dick flick movies your mom coined not coined the phrase but it's not
certainly not coined the phrase but brought it uh to our attention. Yeah, I'd never heard of it.
I hadn't either, but it's very much a thing.
Is it?
Yeah.
I thought it was a Polly original.
I was like, fuck yeah.
I mean, yeah, it definitely crossed my mind that it was.
But when you guys walked out of Top Gun, you guys were both buzzing, and she was like, yeah, man, it's a dick flick.
By the way, I don't know what it's still doing.
It is crushing at the box office.
Its second weekend made $90 million.
Second!
It dropped 33%, which sounds like a lot, but it's not.
It's insane for a blockbuster.
Yeah, I think we saw the same tweet.
It was like, Doctor Strange dropped 67%.
Yeah, because I saw that and I was like, oh, wow, it's not doing well.
Then I was like, oh, no, wait, it's actually doing amazing.
$90 million second weekend is bananas.
It's insane. It's insane. That means it's word of mouth. Everyone said, no, it's worth doing well. Then I was like, oh, no, wait. It's actually doing amazing. A $90 million second weekend is bananas. It's insane.
It's insane.
That means it's word of mouth.
Everyone said, no, it's worth it.
Go see it.
That's the best thing you can have.
I mean, it might have already crossed $500 million.
Yeah, we're probably going to a Billy.
So inspired by that.
It is Tom Cruise's biggest movie ever.
By the way, this weekend I watched every single Mission Impossible in reverse order.
Yeah, excellent. And I bought them all because I was watching Amazon Prime. Sure. Yesterday they all went on Netflix. By the way, this weekend I watched every single Mission Impossible in reverse order.
And I bought them all because I was watching Amazon Prime.
Yesterday they all went on Netflix.
I mean, at the end of the day, I literally spent like $14.
I don't care.
But you rented them.
Yeah.
I thought you were going to buy them.
I was like, that's a lot.
You buy like eight movies at $20. No, no, no.
I rented them.
And they were on sale because they were doing Tom Cruise puffs.
$357 million. No, that's not accurate. I've seen tweets that were like, because they were doing the Tom Cruise puff. 357 mil.
But the,
no,
that's not accurate
because the tweet,
I've seen tweets that were like,
he's crossing,
it's crossing 400 million today.
That's probably,
could also just be American too.
Domestic,
yeah.
But the,
So wait,
I need a definition of dick flick
because actually,
what's funny enough,
IMDB has this as a thing.
But,
oh,
actually,
speaking of Maverick,
one more time real quick.
If you've seen Maverick,
one of the things that may have bothered you
as it bothered me was they never named
the enemy.
You don't know what country you're fighting.
That's very intentional.
It couldn't be an accident.
But someone at the ringer
went
and figured it out.
They had topographical maps and followed the lines because there are lines where it's like they violated the treaty.
And it's like, okay, well, these countries are out because they're not in the treaty.
And then this country, it's Iran.
Iran, yeah.
Yeah, there it is.
I mean, I think that, yeah, probably that also makes sense.
But I think you also, it has to be Iran.
Let's even start talking about topographical maps.
I was like, oh, okay.
Because that's what I mean.
But it's also like, I don't know, that's.
I don't think it has to be Iran.
It's like trying to figure out who the Nick from Biggie's song is
or what day did Ice Cube ever uh today was a good day um but by the way that like i don't know
anything about war and the air force and shit if there are maybe yeah if there are
like missions where you gotta like hit a fucking refrigerator and they do it that's fucking insane
i would imagine that's a thing yeah i mean like the way they're up and over and then we're dropping
it. I think Miles Teller did it without a radar
lock. That's probably silly, but
by the way,
fuck all
the Johnny come lately is on the Miles Teller train.
Fuck them all.
If you weren't by that awkward moment, see you later.
You're done. If you watched that
awkward moment and didn't get on board,
you're done. If you didn't watch that awkward moment, you're done because you should have jumped out on that.
If you watched – what is it?
I don't have a lot of art in my house.
A framed that awkward moment signed by Miles Daly is one of the pieces.
Artwork.
If we ever talk to him, please don't tell him that you have that.
I will.
Yeah, absolutely.
It would be almost the first thing I'd say.
Because I will say it.
This guy, guess what he has.
It's also signed by Zac Efron and Imogen Poots and Michael B. Jordan.
Great, but also like, it's Miles Teller.
That's signed by Miles Teller.
If you're not on his train, you are so late to the station.
It's fucking incredible.
And you don't deserve to be on it now.
And also, you should have been on it even, I think that Aquaman was after Whiplash.
If you weren't on Whiplash.
Yeah, Whiplash.
I love Only the Brave.
I think it's Only the Brave.
The one with the firefighting that I cry at all the time.
He's done a bunch of shit.
But from day uno, we've been Miles Teller guys.
And then I think he just got engaged to that unbelievable –
No, no, no.
They're married.
They're married?
Yeah, yeah.
They were engaged.
I think something just happened recently though.
She just put a viral TikTok out.
I thought it was like something official happened or whatever.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I thought they got married a while ago.
Okay.
Anyway, fucking unbelievable couple.
So what do we got?
Top dick flicks.
Man, this is hard.
Okay.
So my question is what also is like I saw an internet definition said a movie consisting
of mostly ethno male elements action saving a woman revenge for
dead family you know but then like like imdb has like the godfather as a dick flick no it's like
it's not just about men or like the powerful males it's got to kind of be like a it's like a b movie
yeah yeah yeah okay okay um i will go with i'm i did not make a list i'm going off the rip here
it's actually harder than you think when you when you start to break it down i will go with – I did not make a list. I'm going off the rip here. It's actually harder than you think when you start to break it down.
I will go –
Because there's so many options.
Yeah.
It's like the Cheesecake Factory menu.
No, it's like the Cheesecake Menu Factory.
It's a factory where they make the menus.
I will go – again, this is not in order because I'm sure I'm going to –
Taken.
Great one. Can I get like the Tak going to – Taken. Great one.
Can I get like a Taken franchise?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not really that I even want.
Taken 3, certainly.
Taken 2, eh.
It's really Taken.
But I think Liam Neeson is the perfect definition of a dick flick guy, and I would say that Taken is his pinnacle of his work.
It also features the most misused gif in the history of gifs.
The good luck. The good luck.
I think we talked about that before.
Good luck, the guy gets massacred.
The guy, when you're using that gif and you're saying good luck,
that dude and all his best friends get fucking killed.
It is not a real, like,
Liam Neeson is not the one saying good luck in that fucking gif.
Yeah, right there.
Someone is telling him good luck and then he puts a bullet in his fucking head.
I do use it.
I do a verbal meme.
I say, like, Marco from Chipotle voice, good luck.
Like when I'm saying good luck to someone else, but I'm not.
I think you still miss using it.
Yeah, but I can say to you good luck.
You can say, hey, good luck, bro.
But when you're using that gif and referencing that specifically.
You're going to lose.
I'm about to get my shit kicked in. I think that Liam Neeson is like a dick flick guy
and I think every movie he's done after that
and even before that
has turned into this is Taken on a train
this is Taken on a bus
so to me Taken is the pinnacle
okay
I have to say Fast and Furious
my number one is obviously the Fast and Furious franchise.
Yeah.
I don't need to talk about it.
Yeah.
It's the best.
It's the pick.
I will go with – actually, I have three now in mind that I hope I can get.
See, this is the thing with the top fives that I don't really like.
And I'd actually – I'm going to say it.
I think I'd like to find a new segment
different than top five.
What do you mean this blatantly
transparent segment to
garner clicks on the internet by
making lists and drafting items is not
that engaging? Yeah don't. Actually no
the problem is it is too engaging.
It's not fulfilling and it's kind of
tedious and boring to do every week? Yeah don't say it.
But it is also like
I would like to give
More unique answers
But then on a fucking chart
I look like an idiot
So it's like
Oh you left out this
No I'd like to
Yeah but
Okay but what
So now you want to talk about
Like one thing
And then
That gets picked apart too
Right
But like
Like one answer
What if we did the best
And every week it's like
You pick one thing
and you you pour your heart out about that i don't have a passion for one
and so in lies the problem actually dude i was i was watching this weekend um
fucking uh i just got through about half of it but norm mcdonald's new special yeah i've heard
good things um i liked what i saw it's i was never a huge norm guy. I liked his bits more than his stand-up.
Yeah.
But he did have one thing where he was talking about people's opinions these days on things.
And he's like, it's crazy.
Everyone has opinions on absolutely everything.
Yeah.
And he's like, because when I grew up, everyone had six opinions.
Sometimes you'd run into a guy with eight opinions and go,
God damn, that guy's opinionated.
Now it's everything.
Yeah, that's unbelievable.
But, yeah, like a home front.
I love to say home front.
I'm going to say home front.
You're going to crush me.
It's fucking a Jason Statham movie.
It's awesome.
Oh, that's so bad.
It's so bad.
It's like Jason Oh, that's so bad. It's so bad. It's like... Jason Statham, Winona Ryder, and fucking...
The brothers.
James Franco.
It's an awesome, awesome movie.
Homefront.
I don't even know that one.
Homefront is as good as He's a Retired Fucking Hero.
He just wants to be left alone.
You're fucking with his family.
Now everyone has to die.
That's B-movie.
That's dick flick right there.
It is as fucking good.
Homefront is so fucking awesome.
All right, so wait.
You just snaked it, right?
So I get to sneak?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
This just struck me when you said Norm.
It made me think of one movie,
which then led me to this one.
The king of the dick flick.
Insinuating that, like,
guys watch this,
girls will think it's stupid
is kind of, you know,
is Saving Silverman know is saving silverman saving saving silverman is a dick flick i don't know i i get yeah you know
i mean we're hoping for everything i would not have had any comedies on my list so no comedy
it's got to be like action i i think so but no like it's a dick flicks whatever you want it to
be yeah wait was i was gonna speak to dick flicks, I got another issue I got to raise real quick.
Porn Hub has been... We talked about compilations recently.
Yeah.
Now we don't really...
Have you seen these ComTributes recently?
ComTributes?
Yes.
So you'll search a porn star's name.
And in the middle of her videos will be some fucking private Porn Hub users
ComTribute to her. He's jerking off to her? Where it's him just jerking off onto an iPad. videos will be some fucking private Pornhub users come
tribute to her where it's him just jerking
off onto an iPad. How come I have not seen
this? It's literally like you just
search Chechik and then if you're
going down, it'll just be this.
It's just...
It's gotta stop.
I'll tell you what.
I don't know if this is my thing
or whatever, but I just searched Adriana Cechik.
It's not a regular thing, but it will happen.
I'm just saying whether they feed you.
This is just the top list or tailored to me.
I want to be very clear about something.
I've never looked at a cum tribute.
There's no way the algorithm – I've never clicked on one.
Well, that's where I was going with this.
There's no – I've never – even though you can tell when you stop scrolling, I fast forward through those.
I'm trying to stay in the mood.
I can't even imagine for a gay person watching a fucking guy come on an iPad.
It's much of a turn on.
Well, my very first Adriana Cechik movie,
to which there are probably millions of videos of her,
is pansexual.
It's her blowing Aspen Brooks.
So I don't know if that's tailored to me or not.
We're talking algorithms.
But yeah, if we're talking algorithms,
that top dog is questionable at best.
But I will be watching it later.
I'm not seeing any, but she's the best, dude.
She is the best.
I've been following her tweets.
I mean, look at that.
That hand is just in her asshole.
It's insane.
It's insane,'s insane man uh just
her like regular tweets crack me up too like she's just um fuck me like you hate me is fucking
fuck me like you hate me three is yeah um i mean look at her head look wait
ah i need that top one to
it's that thumbnail but the very first thumbnail
is fucking preposterous.
Maybe I click it.
I mean, look at that.
Like, she's folded the...
That's how you break your vertebrae.
That's how you break your vertebrae.
Yeah, no cum tributes.
Not trying to do that.
What was my...
Sammy Silverman or...
So, wait.
I can get rid of...
Worst dick flick.
I can get rid of dick flick.
I can get rid of comedies.
We can do that.
I like that.
That's fair.
I will go with Roadhouse.
Oh, great one.
That's a one that no girl will ever sit through, Roadhouse.
That's a dick flick.
See, that's one that people are going to get mad at because I don't have any 80s movies.
I don't know.
Whatever.
That's fine.
I like – I'm going to stick to – here's what I'm going to stick to.
I'm going to stick to, for my personal definition.
Oh, wait.
I get to sneak?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Roadhouse.
I guess the Equalizer.
Great one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great one.
Because I actually think the –
Equalizer 3 has been greenlit, by the way.
Oh, yeah?
Let's go.
Yeah, yeah the way. Oh, yeah? Let's go.
I would actually say, to me, the best example of a movie of you fucked with me and my family and now I have to kill you all is Man on Fire.
But I think Man on Fire is too good.
You know what I mean?
I can see that.
Can Man on Fire be a dick flick?
I'd be like, that, to me, should have won an Academy Award.
Right, right, right.
Same thing with John Q.
I'm trying to think of
all the Denzel ones
because he's done a million of those,
but I think the Equalizer
is the one that's kind of
on that B level.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So Roadhouse and Equalizer.
Okay.
Fallen franchise.
Yeah, that's right there.
I almost went full R.A.
the other day
and just tweeted out
that London Has Fallen
was on TV,
on SyFy Network.
Just so people know. Remember that stretch of R.A.'s Twitter which was just, he was on TV, on SyFy Network. Just so people know.
You remember that stretch of R.A.'s Twitter,
which was just, he was a TV guy.
Back in the day when people, like, he was a TV guy.
I thought you said TV guy.
No, no, TV guy.
Yeah, he was like, tweet out what movies are on TV.
And it would be like 3.40 in the morning.
It's like, is anybody even alive right now
to watch a full two-hour movie?
Second half of major league about to
star on tbs so okay um i i now i'm for fourth pick right so here's the question to me because
there's a bunch that i could rattle off right now like where does like um where does like Where does Independence Day fall?
Probably more in the sci-fi realm, but yeah, that could be a dick flick.
Where does Con Air stand?
I would say dick flick.
Okay, I'm taking Con Air.
The Rock.
So that's what I was like, is The Rock?
Yeah, yeah.
So the reason I said that and the reason that just happened is back in the day on Mail Time, I had an idea.
This was back when TV channels were a thing, back in my day.
It was going to be a channel that just ran Independence Day, Jurassic Park, The Rock, and Con Air.
That'd be sick.
Just four movies over and over and over again.
I would watch those movies forever and ever.
If we could invent a channel that was just TNT Saturday afternoons.
Over and over, yes.
We could call it Dick Flicks.
It could be the channel
with like X's, you know,
a flick to the next.
And it was just that
and it's uncensored
but you get to watch them
like all day.
I mean, it's funny
because one of the most interesting
psychological things about humans,
I think, is...
I'm going to call it
the on-demand effect.
I want some psychologists to
study this for me. I have on-demand,
I have all the DVDs, I have all the,
I have everything that I could put it on at any time.
But finding it, the fact that
I know I could just put it on,
and I might get one of those four,
when I could easily just put on one of those four,
but there's something about the stumble across.
And I don't know why that is, why that's so important, why that hits different, but my God doesn't hit different.
You're –
You're – like, it was a bigger thing.
I remember, like, my parents getting in fights.
TV's dead, dude.
I know, which is so annoying.
It's dead.
I've talked about this ad nauseum, but, like, one day when we have to tell our grandkids grandkids, there was a time when you just turned on TV and you had TV.
Do you remember?
Every house I walk in now, I don't know how the TV works here.
Let me ask you a question.
It's worse than showers.
Oh, yeah.
That's why I can't do Airbnbs anymore.
I don't know how to turn the fucking TV on.
I don't know how TV works.
Yeah, totally.
I've been to my parents' house many times now.
They've lived there for over a year.
I still have to call my mom.
I'm like, can you turn on this channel for me? know what is funny though it like there will be a time where
people will be like wait wait they decided what you watched and when yeah right it was awesome
we told you what day and time and then you had to abide by pabs colest, Cole, do you guys, have you guys even heard of the term
channel surf?
No.
You heard of that?
No.
That's fucking nuts.
That's,
I feel bad for you.
Like,
there was a time
where,
you know,
Saturday afternoon,
you didn't know
what you wanted to watch
and you would like
just flip around
and be like,
I watched like 10 minutes
of The Equalizer.
I watched like five minutes of this movie. Oh wait, there's a new, like a episode of The Office is being run because you would like just flip around and be like i watched like 10 minutes of the equalizer watch like five minutes of this movie oh wait there's a new like a episode of the office is
being run because you would just flip through let me put on comedy central let me put on espn let
me put on tnt and you surf the idea was like surf around the fucking i remember the days where you
go to channel 300 and you would flick through the different movies that they had there yeah so that's
like the beginning of kind of like On Demand.
But the idea of like you kind of surf around and find what you want.
Or there was an art to it where like you don't watch anything at all.
It's almost like when people joke about browsing through Netflix more than you actually watch Netflix.
That's like the new version of channel surfing.
Yeah, right.
But it wasn't movie-based.
It was channel-based.
So it was like let me put on the movie channel.
Let me put on the sports channel. Let me put on the sports channel, let me put on
the reality TV show, whatever.
But the fact that they don't even know the phrase is
fucking bananas. Is it your pick or my pick?
My pick. It's my pick for the fifth one,
I believe.
I'm going behind
Enemy Lines. Wow!
Dude, that is my other
favorite genre of movies, is like
late 90s, early 2000s action movies that aren't very good but are fucking awesome.
We're all just – all these words mean the same thing.
All these definitions of movies, they all mean the same thing.
Totally, totally.
But like I do like Tears of the Sun fucking –
To me, those are the same movie.
Yeah.
God, I can't think.
There's another one where – there's another one that is exactly Tears of the Sun.
I forget what that is.
It's just like an army and fucking...
Dude, any of the Jack Ryan's, I think those are too good to be a B movie.
Yep.
But that was Patriot Games.
Oh, I got one, I think.
But what do you got?
Last one.
Is it my last one or fourth?
I think it's last one, right?
You have three right now.
So I'll sneak my fourth and fifth right here.
I will go with Enemy of the State.
Great one.
That's Will Smith, right?
Yes, that's one.
My last one, I'm trying.
I want to try to remember.
It's like the word that keeps jumping into my mind is octopus.
It's not that, though. The mind is octopus. It's not that though.
The hacker movie.
What's it called? It's one word.
I'm trying to think of it. If I give you all the terms, you'll probably guess it. Halle Berry's
in it. What's it called?
Swordfish.
I knew it was something.
I knew it was something from the sea. That one
I think is actually, I don't even think that's a good movie.
I think that's a stupid movie.
But I like that movie.
I think that's where she also showed her tits the first time, right?
But like when he's getting his dick sucked when he's trying to hack.
That's dick flick shit.
That's dick flick.
We're going to show Halle Berry's tits and we're going to have this blowjob scene.
At least Halle gave him the blowjob too.
Is it?
Even better.
Swordfish.
Unreal.
So that's top five. Dick. I think you need one more. Because she's revolt the blowjob too. Is it? Yeah. Swordfish. Unreal. So that's top five.
Dick.
I think you need one more
because she's revolted.
I think I have one more.
Fuck.
Okay.
Any Gerard Butler movie.
Yeah.
That's it right there.
He's the king of the dick
where it's like not that
good because you know some
of the people braveheart on
a list.
No.
Get the fuck out of the
best picture.
Yeah.
All right.
So tweet at us your
favorite dick flicks. It's time for voicemails today. They're brought to of here. Best picture. All right. So tweet at us your favorite dick flicks.
It's time for voicemails today.
They're brought to you by Helix Sleep.
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Voicemails.
Let's go.
Real quick before we get into voicemails, I wanted to do one other.
Here's the thing about the internet segment.
It's going to take two seconds.
You probably
understand this and deal with it a lot more than I do.
I don't really share
a lot of opinions. I don't have many.
I don't have that many opinions.
Not actually because this isn't even an opinion.
This is more, I guess, there is an opinion.
A wise man once said, I don't know, man.
I don't know.
That's my opinion.
And so this weekend there was a viral tweet that went I don't know, man. I don't know. That's my opinion. I don't know.
And so this weekend there was a viral tweet that went out that was a 12-year-old robbing a liquor store or a convenience store.
It is an objectively hilarious video.
It is so fucking funny. Bro, it is a tough one for me right now after I was on my high horse about guns because I was howling at that video.
It is a genuinely funny video because there are so many funny things about it.
Who do you give best actor to in this video?
The gunman or the cashier?
The cashier.
The cashier.
Are you kidding me?
For real?
The way she disrespects this kid with a gun.
She goes, are you serious?
And then he shoots the gun in the air.
That kid had no plans to shoot the gun until he was disrespected.
And then he was like, well, all right, bitch, I got to show you something.
And even the way he shoots it, he goes like this.
You notice?
He goes like, holy shit.
Because it jams.
Oh, does it?
Yeah.
He recoils and then it jams.
Look at him.
He's just casually walking around like, hang on.
Okay, wait my turn.
Wait my turn because that big guy is going to be a problem.
I'm trying to rob the joint
while this big tattooed fella
is in front of me
Action Bronson here
I don't want any smoke
with him
so let me just hang out
let me just walk up
what is he picking out
a fucking candy bar
right now
this is much longer
than the clip we saw
yeah I was trying to
kill the time here
so here it comes
he walks up
and he put the money
in the bag
and she says
are you serious
and he shoots the gun in the air and he just goes yeah yeah and
the way he says yeah and then she hands it she gets the money she goes here fine get out of here
it's unbelievable it is it's a fucking hysterical video and i wanted to share it with everybody
that's so that pow is so loud and she's just just like, okay, Jesus Christ. Like, how much money
do you get?
Like, 200 bucks?
I mean, when you're 12,
dude, that's a fucking
ton of money.
I never need to get a job.
But he got caught
like right away.
Yeah.
Obviously.
He's an idiot.
Well, you know,
you'd be surprised, man.
You'd be fucking surprised
when some of these
goddamn kids in the country
get away with.
So I quote tweeted it
and I said,
this is unfortunately objectively hilarious,
and it's going to force me to change my stance
from pro-gun control to give more guns to 12-year-olds.
It's a bold take right now, I will say.
No, it's not.
It's everyone's just a putz.
Look, dude, I've made my stance very fucking clear.
I can't change the world.
And so, but here's the thing.
So, like, the first 20 replies were like, delete this, delete this.
Not even, I don't care if you say delete this.
I care if you say you're going to delete this because no, I'm not.
No, I'm fucking not.
Or there's still time to delete this.
Yeah, like, no.
And then, so, like, the first, like, handful of tweets were upset about it, right?
And then,
and I almost quote tweeted that
and got in the mix
and was like,
you're a pussy,
shut up, blah, blah, blah.
And I was like,
you know what?
I'm just gonna,
I'm just gonna,
I was like,
I'm just gonna leave it alone
and fucking, who cares?
Like, it doesn't matter.
And then,
I went back
and looked at it later.
Just because,
I was just curious,
like, while people,
because it's,
everyone, the immediate reaction is, like, the ones who care right so like so there are 58 replies to this tweet
let's say all of them are negative that's not the case because then then people start being like
those who are mad are pussies blah blah blah blah let's say every single one is negative negative
okay then you look at the tweet activity And
780,000 people saw it
Yeah
50
Let's say 50 got mad
Right
I could
So like
I think people would have replied
Like
No one can take a joke these days
People are so sensitive these days
Most people can take a joke
Yeah dude
780,000 people
25,000 engagements
Right
50 people were mad
I could say dark chocolate's better than milk chocolate
And I'll have more mad people
So then it's like... Yeah, you will.
Because it's fucking stupid.
I was very happy to be like, okay,
so it's 1.5
thousand. It's one thing to just ignore it
and be like, alright, I don't know if I like that. Whatever.
That's an unbelievable
number for a gun control
joke right now. Right. But I feel like
largely people would get mad about it.
Like, there's such a fucking pussy! Right, right.
No, that's a fucking... That's actually a good sign
for the internet. That's a shitload of people
who could take a fucking joke. Let's hope.
I'm hoping... You know, there might be
people silently crying about... Oh, speaking of
people crying about shit, my mom almost got
in a... She got in a major...
My mom used to be the most
confrontational woman alive. She literally
made choices in her
life to like not be that way anymore she's like i'm gonna go to an early grave uh where we live
in the bronx you have to merge to get onto over this bridge to get onto the island so there's
like one way on and there's a lot of traffic on the weekends and they got in like a merging fight
with uh with this couple that my mom like she's like i recognize them they live on the island
uh she was like because if it them. They live on the island.
She was like, because if it was a stranger,
I wouldn't have done this.
But they were like,
they were just, nobody was moving, right?
To the point that my mom rolled down the window and they were talking.
And she was like, we will hit you.
We will hit you with our car.
And then what?
Because she was like, we don't give a fuck.
We're the type of people,
I don't give a shit if my car is busted up.
We will just run into your car and then what?
So the woman starts filming her doing that like i'm filming you and my mom was
like where are you gonna send that and she was like to the police and the cops were supposed to
be directing traffic and shit she's like the police oh the police the police the police are
right there lady screaming and fighting in what like a video that would have like probably been
sent to barstool at a certain point in time imagine if someone said to me like that's my mom she her plan she said she was gonna because it was dead stop traffic
there was something going on that they didn't realize her plan was to get out of the car and
stand in front of their car and be like now you have to hit me after all this my dad's the one
driving like she said it went on for like 40 minutes because it was dead stopped.
So like,
they thought it was eventually
going to like,
loosen up a little bit,
but like,
it was a long time.
And eventually he just like,
he was like,
eh,
whatever.
And they moved in.
He was like,
it's not worth it.
She was like,
what do you mean it's not worth it?
We've been doing this for an hour.
Like,
I just put my life on the line.
I put my reputation
on the line for this.
And then they just won.
I was,
I would have killed him.
I would have been like,
once you're down
to the point of no return.
I don't care.
Once the push comes up,
I'm like,
all right,
fucking go.
No,
once I'm pot committed,
I'm that way most of the time
in general,
like with driving.
It's like,
a few times I'll pick a fight,
most of the time I'm like,
whatever.
You're literally going to be
12 feet in front of me.
Yeah,
right,
right.
But once you do commit,
I feel like you got to
fucking commit.
You can't just decide
40 minutes in,
whatever.
But anyway, let's go to Bushnells.
What's up, KFC?
Fights, Jackie, Nick, Pav, Zach, whole gang.
I'm not driving this time, so I'll make this a lot quicker.
I have another, like, behind-the-pod type question.
I know now with, like, Barstool behind you, you can get all these guests,
and you probably have a much easier time.
I'm curious about, like, the early days, mostly towards KFC.
Who were some guests that you shot your shot with, and they gave you the time of day?
Just any guests early on that came on and talked to you when you weren't really established yet.
Nate Bargatze will always be my number one.
Thank you.
But it was one of his first interviews yeah yeah
but he says that but he had been on the tonight show by that point like the reason i saw him stand
up but he had seen that but he had done like podcasts and interviews and shit i guess i don't
know i i would guess i mean he does oh yeah he didn't do like the sit down he just did his
yeah so that's not but yeah yeah um but nate was like this was, you know, Fat Nate before he became hot. He looks so good.
He's so hot, dude.
I saw him this weekend.
It is, one, whatever you think you're promoting, we're not promoting it.
Yeah.
The only reason I knew Nate Bargatze was in town.
Nate Bargatze was in town at like a 3,000-person venue.
We didn't know.
And did two shows.
Sold out both.
Yeah.
Or at least, I mean, they were jam-packed. I don't know exactly what the ticket counts were sure and so he sold 6 000
tickets that night um but like i follow nate i like nate i like literally i like i like everything
he does so like the algorithm would push his stuff my way yeah i had no idea he was right the only
reason i know he's in i knew he was in town was i was i was on the app trying to get tickets to the
world's years of Darts because the boys
looked like they were having so much fun.
By the way, did all those people work for Barstool?
I think so.
God damn, we rolled deep now.
That was so cool.
That's one of the cooler things I've ever seen a group of guys do.
Everyone went to the World Dart Championship or whatever it is at the Garden.
That's something every group of guys, or girls, I guess, should do.
That's a very fun one.
Because people do that for the rodeo.
I went to the rodeo, and I really didn't
like it. I was like, this is...
But darts I could pretend to get into, and I think I would have
a blast doing that.
I will say, I won't say who in the group, but
someone in the group had texted me being like,
yo, dude, come. So that's why I was looking at the
ticket app, which it was
secondary market. There were not
any World Series darts. But while I was on that
app, I was like, wait, Nate's in town? That's why I bought the Marazzi tickets. But I was on that app I was like Wait Nate's in town
Yeah
That's why I bought
The Marazzi tickets
But I will say
That same person
Who told me to come
An hour later
Was like
Lose its luster
Pretty quick
Oh did it
They were like
Okay never mind
They're like
Matches take forever
And no one knows the rules
Got it
True
Yeah so there's a reason
Why we like the
19 second clip
On the internet
But all I would say
Again like
Come see us in Chicago
Come see us in DC
Get tickets
Don't be like Nate
But literally
One of my favorite comedians
He was impossibly funny
Again as always
Is
And I just didn't know
He was in town
So I feel
I don't feel bad
If we don't promote
I don't want to promote
So much that
I annoy people
But also there are people Who are like Oh I didn't taste Your rituals in town I didn't even bad if we don't promote it. I don't want to promote so much that I annoy people.
But also there are people who are like, oh, I didn't even know.
If I can miss Nate, I am a mega fan of him.
If I can not know Nate was in New York City, then anyone can miss anything.
Back to that question, though.
There's a single person answering this, Jay Cutler.
Jay Cutler was at that point like the franchise quarterback of the Bears.
We were maybe like 50 episodes in.
Not even.
We were a small time operation.
Jay was our biggest
athlete fan of all of Barstool
but he was specifically a KFC radio
listener and was like
I want to do the interview with you guys.
Not Barstool. I want to be KFC Radio.
And he gave us an hour
when, you know, he's
one of 30, 32, 30?
32. 32 starting
quarterbacks in the world.
And notoriously hated media
and then gave us an hour answering
could Gronk throw Adam Schefter over
a fucking field goal
post. Just awesome, awesome shit.
He is the answer.
Yeah, it's Cutler.
Shout out Logan Couture too, though.
Yes, yeah, Logan was good too.
Logan was right around a similar time.
Yeah, I got to reconnect with him.
He was like texting shit.
And then he was like a diehard stoolie and then kind of like fell off a little bit.
Logan was awesome.
Right around the same time.
Within a month, I'd say, probably, if Cutler or Logan came on.
Definitely.
Hey, what's up, KFC Radio?
How you guys doing?
It's your boy, Mello.
Haven't sent anything in a long time,
but I'm just on a 14-hour drive from Charlotte back home to New England.
And, you know, thinking I'm on an hour four, I've been on the phone with people, you know, parents call in every hour,
shit like that. Um, hold on. I'm trying to, trying to figure this out. So, uh, thinking
about the long drive ahead and one superpower that I would like is to just snap your finger and be anywhere in the world that you want it to be.
So, wanted to hear your thoughts.
What is either your top five superpowers or one superpower that you would love to have and you could do anything.
I do believe teleportation is the most practical.
That's awesome.
And you would use that every day.
This is also a good question for the 1.6.
Yes, the 1.6.
We've done this kind of shit a million times.
This is for the 1.6 million new listeners this month who haven't heard us before
because we've done superpower talk a million
times before.
I need to get somewhere right after
this. If I could just snap my fingers, it'd be fine.
Super strength is cool,
but it's like, I don't know how often you're really going to
use your extra super strength.
Whereas teleportation, you would use
every second of every day.
You know what I mean?
I would teleport from the couch to the fridge.
I would say I teleport to the bathroom right now.
Yeah, boom, done.
So I do think it's teleportation.
Aside from that, I think just like straight coolness,
I think flight is just bomb ass,
which a little bit teleportation has to do.
Not teleport, quite teleport, but you can fly.
I can just fly there and
but I think, like,
telepathy is not what I'd want. No.
Hell no. Telepathy is just reading
the comments. Yes. Yeah.
We already have telepathic powers. It's just called Twitter, bro.
Put genuine people in the comments to think about you.
No fucking thank you.
I like the polite smile at my face. Thank you.
Lie to my face all the time.
Thank you very much.
Shapeshifting could be cool.
Like chameleon type shit.
Turn into a fucking animal.
Turn into a...
How would you use that?
I just said it was cool, bro.
I didn't say it was fucking useful.
I just said it was cool.
I mean, it would be cool if I just, I don't know, turn into a dog and go to the park and
get a bunch of attention from girls.
Whatever.
Some girls who rub my belly.
I want girls to smell my feet
and go,
oh my God,
it's only Fritos.
I think there's
a bunch of different answers.
By the way,
anyone who does that,
you're a fucking pervert.
Smell it.
Smell it.
Dog's feet are like Fritos.
Yeah,
they've been walking in dirt
and shit and stuff all day.
Weird fucking pervert.
There's many answers that I think I'm okay with.
There's just one that makes you a pervert, and it's invisibility.
If you pick invisibility, you're a pervert.
I wouldn't.
That's fine.
That's fine.
But just know that it's because you're thinking about doing despicable things.
No, see, it's not.
Oh, you just want to disappear so no one buys you?
I'm going to fucking be gone, bro.
It's like half suicide. Yeah, I'd fake my death. Oh, you just want to disappear so no one buys you? I'm going to fucking be gone, bro. It's like half suicide.
Yeah, I'd fake my death.
We can't find the body.
Right, and then you fucking just at the own funeral.
Yeah.
In that case, that would be a nice telepathy because that's what people are like remembering,
either having sex with me or funny times I made them laugh.
You hope.
You hope.
You've got a bunch of people rolling into the funeral, and the first thing they're thinking is like, eh.
No big deal.
Fuck, we didn't lose a great one.
We lost an average one.
That would hurt.
I was going to ask for...
I'm sorry,
the invisibility is nice.
My superpower would be the...
I don't have the need for sex.
Which opens you up to pure happiness.
You know what we'll do?
Next week for the 1.6
we'll do the pill thing
that's where I think it started from
write that down Nick
but for now let's wrap up
last voicemail what do we got
is that Catherine
hi everyone it's Catherine
just wanted to get your input on something
Bo Burnham had released the inside outtakes
which is just chef's kiss
to the creative process of the inside outtakes, which is just chef's kiss to the creative process
of the inside special you put out
last year right after
the pandemic.
It started slowing down
and I just wanted to get your
opinion input on
what you would want to see the creative
process, how the sausage gets made,
whether it be a special or an
album, something like TV show,
like anything like that that we don't
really get to see. I have a take.
United Bill guy. I don't like Bill Burnham.
And I feel like when I say it, people
gasp or hate me. I don't
like him. I don't deny his talent.
I also haven't really consumed
all that much of him, but when
everyone was sucking his dick, that music special, I was like,
I do not want to watch this. I watch make happy make happy i really like it's a lot no it's
a lot of music too yeah i don't think i'm gonna like that but the yeah i get it i like it's a
unique form of comedy and i and i get that it's bomb ass like very i keep saying bomb ass it's
very like uh talented and and i and i respect that but i also just not for me yeah i also uh
kelly kelly sent us that clip the other day
where he was playing both sides of a
podcaster. Oh, yeah.
I almost think that
we've now gotten corny about making fun of
podcasting.
He does like, he's two
sides of a comedic podcast.
Comedy's dead, man. I can't say anything I want to say.
And it's true, but it's also like, yeah, we get it,
dude. I think that's become
low hanging fruit as well
but yeah I'm not a bogey
I don't disagree with that
I would say
I would like to see
the behind the scenes
process of basically
everything
because I think
it helps me
doing that OAR
the music video
was like
because I
I think just the way
we were raised in Barstool is like if it's more than one take, you're trying too hard.
Yeah.
Right?
It's like, no, that's fucking fine.
Yeah.
And if you're seeing like – if it's not – then it's not organic and it's not – and that's true.
I do think that like –
Well, you lose some organic – every take you lose a little bit of natural and organicness.
But like that's okay.
And I think there are some mediums, vehicless vehicles whatever where you need to have organic stuff i think podcasting one is one
of those unless you're a blatantly scripted podcast yeah yeah then that's one thing agree
but if you're like doing a improv but you're actually faking it i think that's kind of lame
yeah but the like i don't know if you're doing a video like even even like even fucking like i
only whatever like videos we do
like I only allow myself
to do one
like that's like
that's a stupid
that's a stupid like
bar you set
I feel like I'm a poser
oh you're not
you're not perfect every time
I used to really struggle
with doing videos
in front of like
cameramen I didn't know
or whatever
you know like Hank
in the beginning
Hank was like Dave's guy
and if we were filming something
if I messed up
or said something I still don't like it yeah when I go to the Snapchat studio and there's Dave's guy. And if we were filming something, if I messed up or said something –
I still don't like it.
Yeah.
When I go to the Snapchat studio and there's a new guy in there, what the fuck is he doing?
And like when I do One Minute Man, I used to like struggle with like needing to do multiple takes while all these guys were around.
And I eventually just did it so many times that I don't care anymore.
But it still is in the back of my mind.
People do this thing that's funny.
I watch them now because I've gotten good enough at it where I can do it pretty quickly or whatever. People will give their take, say their joke, finish it,
and then they inevitably will go to the cameraman or whoever's filming or whatever
and go, what else, what else, what else?
What else can I say?
What else can I say?
And it's just like this defense thing where you're basically saying,
I'm not done yet, I'm not done yet, but I need to figure it out.
I need more, you know what I mean?
But I'm not finished, but that was what I, you know.
And it's super awkward.
But it's like that's how everything else in the world is made, like multiple takes and trial and error where you're like, oh, wait, that was funny.
Let's include the first line of the first one with the second line of the second one and all that shit. So for me, it's always, though, anytime I've ever seen videos of people in the music, in the studios making music,
mostly rappers,
but like sometimes when you see something where it's like your favorite song,
like,
Oh,
that,
that sound was like a guy shaking a cup of pennies or whatever.
Or you,
when I see like rappers put together a beat and like the lyrics come together,
whatever.
Whenever I see people in this studio making albums,
I'm always like,
Whoa,
that was cool.
Even like machine gun Kelly,
you know,
put together. Hang on. I'm fucking done. i know i know but when he no do you do you
know about his coffee shop yeah yeah that's the fucking lamest thing i've ever heard in my life
yeah that's genuinely like it's called the 27 club i didn't know that yeah it's called the 27
club and in the fucking place it's it's all pink the coffee is fucking pink yeah like it's all pictures of people
who killed himself at 27 and he's
like fucking like over
them it is
it is I'm actually surprised that didn't
get like more like
it's the suicide coffee club yeah hearing
that is like is legitimately
like one of the most
fucking and then also like I mean I'm gonna burn
the bridge we're going to have one more
machine cut on the show ever again, just so we're clear.
I went to his show
at Pier 13
in New York
and he was in the financial district
and he's yelling at the buildings being like,
fuck the corporations!
You are the machine!
You are the machine!
We plugged you into the machine, dude.
I was going to say, when he put out Bloody Valentine, there was a video behind the scenes.
And it was just like he had different lyrics to the ones that came out.
And I like seeing where shit's like, oh, that wasn't actually the original.
Kind of what we're saying about different takes.
Where it's like the first or when you hear a reference track or the first studio version or a non-studio version.
Where it's like, oh, wow, they almost went with like those lyrics instead or studio version or non-studio version where it's like, oh wow, they almost went with those lyrics instead
or that version or whatever.
But yeah, music for me
when it's all behind the scenes shit is
But yeah, that's a good one.
For all intents and purposes, everything I hear about Machine Gun Kelly is a
really nice guy.
You can be cool and not have a cool coffee shop.
Alright, interview time. We've got who?
Jenny Mullen who Jenny Mullen
Jenny Mullen's on the show
this bitch is funny
probably not close enough
to call her a bitch yet
but whatever
right bitch
yep right bitch
today's interview
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It's Jenny Mullen on KFC Radio.
Let's talk to her.
Guys, this is my mom, Peggy.
Hey, Peggy. She's like my muse.
In my memoirs, she's like the main
star of the other two books.
So you have a muse.
She's my muse. Uncut gems.
She's uncut gems.
My mother's actually
the star of this podcast as well, so that makes sense.
She's like a muse without knowing it She doesn't know
Well she might know but it's not like
We acknowledge it ever
It's just like all of the stories and everything
About him is because of her
That's kind of good and bad
But I guess
Hopefully that's everybody's mom right
I hope I make a big enough impression
So how much would you say I mean, hopefully that's everybody's mom, right? You hope that it's like I am who I am because of my mom. I hope I make a big enough impression.
So how much would you say in the book is inspired by your mom?
Well, this book, so my memoirs are like true stories about my mom.
You know, things like telling me at 15 that I needed to get a fake ID if I wanted to keep hanging out with her.
You know, she's just like like, that's how she rolls.
That's how she rolls.
But this book, no, this book isn't about my mom,
but it definitely deals with my mommy issues.
Got it.
Got it.
I like how you're just open about it.
You're like, yeah, I have mommy issues.
Who doesn't?
Yes, yes.
Again, that's what I was trying to say politely is this podcast
is all about your mommy issues.
Yes, yes. We your mommy issues. Yes.
We all have it.
Yes.
This is definitely the first time we've ever had someone's mom in during an interview, right?
I think so.
I would imagine.
I would say yes.
And usually, I would say that's good because I feel like we kind of touched on mostly not mom-type topics.
But it seems like she's down to ride.
She doesn't care.
She's used to it for me.
She's heard it all.
Um,
yeah,
well, I was going to say,
I mean,
I feel like you,
a lot of the stories,
the threesome story and like crazy things like that are all out there already.
Right.
So you're pretty much like an open book.
Yeah.
I'm an open book.
Yeah.
There's nothing that she doesn't know.
More, more open than shut. Yes. Let yes yes for sure was that um like were you always was that like a conscious decision i guess like were you doing that on purpose or was that just
kind of like how how did your kind of career we've heard jason sign this yeah yeah oh so what
does jason say that my wife's crazy. Yeah.
Basically.
No, no.
I mean, he says she's a wonderful woman who's gorgeous and successful and smart.
And then she's all great.
She's all fucking nuts.
No, I felt like, I think, well, I would say this all sort of started when I started tweeting. And this was like early, like 2009, 2010.
And I was married to this guy who was famous
and I wasn't famous and I resented him for that.
I hated that about him.
It drove me crazy.
Yeah, that's fair.
That's fucking fair.
Right?
It was annoying.
I was like maybe 30 years old
and I walk into a room
and nobody gave a fuck about me.
They just wanted me to take their cell phone picture
with Jason Biggs.
That's not fun.
This is exactly why I'm divorced.
Right?
To it, like...
To it...
They would go,
can you take a picture
and throw the phone in her hands
and every time I'd watch her
I'd be like,
I'm divorcing this guy.
Yeah, like this.
It was irritating.
Yeah.
So I was on Twitter
and I was annoyed
and I was, you know,
an actress at the time
and I was, you know,
always playing a guest starring role
on some dumb procedural
where I either die, I get, like, run over by a car, I was you know always playing a guest starring role on some dumb procedural where I either die I get like run over by a car I don't know I'm like half the measles
just something stupid and I was just like filled with rage and I'd go home at night and talk shit
but nobody was listening because nobody cared what was happening with me. It was, you know, I was eclipsed in like my personal life by this like larger than life
person.
You know, I didn't have a reason to not be honest.
Did you?
There was nothing called.
Why?
No one cares.
I just thought it was putting it into the ether.
But then they started caring.
And then all of a sudden people started paying attention.
And that was a scary transition.
Hell yeah.
That's fucking terrifying, right?
What?
Yes.
That feeling of like, how many people just saw that?
No, totally.
That's why I like the podcast because when we do it, there's only like five people in
the room and I just don't think about where this goes.
No, you don't think about where it goes.
But Twitter is different because like the number is right fucking there.
You know what I mean?
I know, but that number is so abstract.
I remember being at a concert with Jason.
He's like, look at this stadium.
He's like, this is how many people follow you on Twitter.
Scary.
And that was a crazy moment for me. I'll that yeah right so it's wild and i forget sometimes i'm saying things
and then i'm like oh my god so many people on your bathrobe and you're like watching the bachelor
you don't think it's going anywhere right and it's going somewhere so so you but okay you you
knew he was famous right yes because he's been mega famous like forever.
Yes.
So you just didn't expect it to be what it was.
So what happened was I was auditioning for this Kate Hudson movie.
Did he tell you the story?
No.
Okay.
So I was auditioning for this Kate Hudson, Dane Cook movie.
And one of the guys that repped the writer was trying to date my sister, Samantha.
And so he said to her, would your sister want to see the audition tapes to see the other girls she's up against and i'm like fuck yeah like i've been waiting forever my entire career for somebody
to offer me access to the audition tapes right so i'm in my fucking studio apartment where i got rid
of all the furniture because it was annoying me i was just like i'm a minimalist i didn't i would
like instead of washing a dish i'd rather throw it away so i That I understand. But you got rid of all your furniture?
Yeah, my friends make fun of me.
They're like, when Jason met me, he's like, can I use the towel?
Oh, well, I get that.
I recently, I've since bought some more towels.
Not bought.
I moved in with someone who had more towels.
Yeah.
But I had a towel that I ripped in half.
I needed two towels.
I feel you.
I completely feel you. It was a bigger towel.
It was a beach towel.
So it wasn't preposterously tight.
It started to get frayed, right?
So you were like, all right, this is already halfway done.
Yeah.
It was already ripped.
This could be, too.
It's efficient.
I tie my towel very tight.
And then the other goes on your head.
So you use both?
No.
It was just so someone else could use it.
It was just like, yeah, here you go.
That's fine. What a a host like a paper towel but wait real quick how much furniture are
we talking like what did you not do i had a i had a desk uh-huh a huge computer that i don't know
if they make them anymore right right what kind of what are they even called yeah like those things
like no that's like i mean even though like a, like a big PC that has like the big.
It had a back on it.
Yeah.
It was like an old television from the 50s.
Yeah, one of those TVs you had to have like call friend to move.
Yeah.
You couldn't just unhook it off the wall.
Precisely.
So I had that.
I had a tiny love seat and like a chair.
I mean, it was nothing.
So you were basically like that meme that was like without women, guys would live like this.
And it's like a fold out chair in front of a TV.
That was me.
She is women.
That was me.
That was totally me.
So I'm sitting there and I'm watching the audition tapes and I'm just like reveling in it, loving.
Because what you don't realize, first of all, like nothing in Hollywood is sort of merit-based.
And when you're watching the auditions, you're like, wait, they're not like sprinkling pixie dust everywhere.
Nobody's doing anything that crazy.
But when this girl, you know, who I audition with all the time goes behind some closed door, you're like, what am I not getting?
So that felt amazing and empowering to watch.
And I'm just like loving it.
That actually sounded that good.
But see, I feel like that's kind of a philosophical question asking somebody like, would you watch the tapes?
Because I don't think I would because I think that would drive me crazy because then i would be like well what the
why am i not that and then that would be more depressing to me no i was like i'm killing it
and i'm still in the race and then he said well while you're at it watch the two guys we're
choosing between and one is this guy i think it was todd grinnell and the other guy is this guy
jason biggs and i was like well fuck jason Biggs. He's famous and I'm not famous.
And why would I ever root for a guy who has so much?
You have to hire the underdog.
You're openly rooting against him.
Yeah, there's not even a question.
This is before I even met him.
And then I watched the tapes and he was amazing.
And I always say to him to this day, I said,
Jason, your audition for that movie was better than even you were in the movie.
That's how good your audition was.
So I called Doug back and I said, I'm wrong.
You need to hire, it's Jason.
You have to hire him.
He's amazing.
Because at the time also I was a theater major.
I was so highbrow.
I'd never seen American Pie.
I'm like, that guy?
Please.
You fucked a pie?
Please.
Yeah.
Has he ever done Brecht?
Yeah.
So I call him back.
I say, yeah, you have to hire Jason.
And then maybe two weeks later, I went for another round.
I met the director.
And now I'm getting really deep into this.
And I'm hoping that I'm going to get this film.
And Doug called my sister and said, would she go on a double date with you and me and Jason?
And at first, I was like, well, I I want the movie yeah it depends this is old school
Hollywood eh does the movie come with the omakase like what are we talking and Samantha's like
listen just come just come it'll be fun so I agree to go and then the night before I'm on a phone
call with Jason and he was stoned and not funny on the call on this three-way call with like Doug
and Sam.
And I'm like, never mind, Sam.
Get me out of it.
I don't want to go. A call for business purposes or just to be going out?
Just to discuss going out that next night.
So just almost like a let's meet first over the phone.
Let's talk on the phone and plan for tomorrow.
Ooh, that's pressure.
I don't know what I'm saying.
He wasn't funny.
I would not be good on that call.
I'd be very quiet.
Wasn't he supposed to be a stand-up?
You wanted to deliver material?
Just be kind of quick.
He was just like, Jenny, I was catatonic.
I had eaten a gummy and I was literally not there.
So I said, Taze and Samantha, I don't want to go on the date.
And she looked at me and was like, Jenny, it's free sushi.
You're coming on the fucking date.
So I went and we met that night and we had this sort of connection.
But I didn't think like, oh, this is the one.
No.
We just sort of hung out.
And then we ended up in Boston together, both doing that movie.
So cut to three months later, we were madly in love.
And we were married nine months later.
I mean, it was a whirlwind. That still was quick, yeah.
I always say to him, I'm like, what were we thinking?
I didn't even know you.
Right, right, right.
Once you're like settled in.
I'd only been on vacation with you.
You were the bachelor.
Truly, I'd only been on vacation.
You were basically a reality TV show.
We were on a phone call.
We hung out once, and then we did a movie together.
And then you got married.
We were married.
We were in Boston living on someone else's dime.
Yeah.
Doing drugs.
Yeah.
Loving our life.
There was no, not one single aspect of that is your real life that you can count on.
Nothing.
We'll like each other when the world goes back to normal. Exactly. None none of it so i mean yeah now 14 years later yeah it's crazy but
i guess that's you know worked i i do think people look for like you know expected the first time you
hung out like and we just knew and it's like that's not how it no i know that's not how it
goes you know i was too i'm not saying my shoulder I was too like I had too many thoughts about the fact
that this guy
was an actor
and all that stuff
I didn't trust him
there's no way
nobody goes in
unless you
unless two people meet
at the perfect time
where they both
don't have like
their guard up
because everybody
goes in a little guarded
like I'll see you
about this
and then a second date
and third date maybe
nobody's ever like
that's it
I have two people
in my life who were like, that's it.
Yeah, they were.
And you believe them when they say it?
Because I think people also say it, but I'm like, you really thought right away?
Well, no, it's the parents of two of my friends.
They're both the exact same.
And they went on a first date.
I guess back in the day, women were going on multiple dates
and telling all their suitors about it.
And was like, I can't
come out tonight. I have a date.
When he asked for a second date.
And both of the men were like,
screw that. Just marry me.
Stop it. And they both said yes.
Well, that is some romantic shit.
That's crazy.
That's crazy to get married and have to live in Boston.
But that's also some old school shit.
No one's doing that ever again.
Yeah.
That's –
You know?
If you said that now, you'd be like, no, I'm going to go out with that guy for a free dinner and then I'll get you tomorrow and then maybe we'll talk about it.
We're not doing it right now.
I'm pretty sure.
I don't know for a fact.
But I think that my mom kicked my dad out of the house and was like, we're fucking done.
And he said it was like in the rain and he went
he like i think he i don't know walked around the block or whatever and he said he went back and was
like okay fine let's get married and the reason why i believe it's true is because i don't know
those details really yeah i don't i don't know the details of how they got engaged and i think
you usually know that about your parents i think they don't like to tell the story because i'm
pretty sure my dad has this philosophy that you're single until you're married.
Okay.
Which doesn't quite fly with a person like my mom.
So she was like, yeah.
He was like running around town on me with every girl I knew.
Oh, my God.
No, she says, this is her line.
She goes, he was like running around town on me with every girl that we knew.
And I've been making him pay for it for the rest of his life.
Wonderful. So they're happy. They're it for the rest of his life. Wonderful.
So they're happy.
They're great.
I like that about her.
I love a woman like that.
She's a scary,
she's like five foot nothing
and she is,
everybody who's ever met her,
guys, girls,
family, not family
are like,
do not fuck with Kathy.
I love that.
I always said it to Jason,
I'm like,
if you cheated on me,
why would I divorce you?
I would never let you
have a free life.
I would make every day. Right, right, right on me, why would I divorce you? I would never let you have a free life. I would make every day.
Right, right, right.
I will make you pay forever.
You will be, yeah.
I don't know if I ever told you, my dad didn't show up for my parents' first date because he got arrested.
Ha!
No.
And was in jail for the night.
No way.
He doesn't tell me.
Oh!
Well, that's amazing.
It's the same kind of thing where it Polly know? I have an idea.
They were supposed to be at a basketball game, a local basketball game, high school basketball
game.
What a great, I don't know, Pleasantville date.
Meet me at the basketball game and then we'll get burgers and a shake.
They were in high school.
They might have been early college.
He never showed and she was like, what the hell is that all about?
The next day he was like, I'm sorry. He says he tried to leave the game to see And she was like What the hell is that all about And the next day He was like
I'm sorry
He says he tried to leave the game
To see if she was there yet
And they wouldn't let him
Back in the game
And then they arrested him
Something happened
Yeah
I'm like
You punched a cop
Yeah
You were drunk
And fought a cop
Someone
Someone wouldn't let you
In the game
And you hit him
And then a fight broke out
And you got arrested for it
It's not just like
They wouldn't let me
Back in the game
And so they arrested me Yeah but that story's so much better yeah i'd rather
have those stories than like we went on a date and it was just great it's like i hosted this show
for a lifetime it didn't air we it was a lifetime i don't even remember now it was a we shot a series
of these shows where basically it was sort of punked but with with engagements. Oh, God. And one of them- You know why they didn't air that?
Because that's fucking psychotic.
It was psychotic.
Because that will lead to murders.
Think about how fun that would be to watch.
Holy shit.
And one of them was-
Meaning just like, proposal, fake, no, I didn't, ha ha ha.
No, no, no.
It was like, okay, for instance,
let's say two people go into a jewelry store,
and then the guy gets accused of stealing.
The police show up.
Now she has to fill out a report.
They're telling her he's going away.
She's never going to see him again.
And then all of a sudden he's like,
I don't know, I don't know,
maybe I did take something
and then he just gets on his knees
with the ring.
But it's a real proposal?
A real fucking proposal.
All right, I can fuck with that.
Even in the way that you did,
you love the dramatics.
I love a caper.
I'm down.
I've seen one.
This one's fucked. This one is, I've seen like a viral one this is a couple years ago where the woman thought she was showing up
to like identify her boyfriend's body oh my god it was it was like it was like a mangled car
it was like it was like a colleague so it wasn't she wasn't in the morgue or anything like that
it was like get down here something happened to tom, she wasn't in the Morgan thing like that. It was like, get down here. Something happened to Tom's car.
And like, it's his kind of car.
Fucking flipped over.
There's like blood, fake blood strewn the street.
Oh my God.
And she's like shaking.
And then they get her to the other side of the car, I think.
Or maybe he, no, maybe he was unconscious on the floor.
And then he gets up.
This is crazy.
And is like, will you marry me?
And she's like, I forget what her reaction was.
I want to say she hit him.
Yeah.
I was going to say, unless you're like a prank couple that you do, like, you can't do that to somebody.
You know why I hate all those things?
Because when you pull a prank, people, shit might happen that you can't just take back.
You know what I mean?
Like in that scenario, she might be like, I always knew you were a fucking thief.
I always knew you were a lying scoundrel.
That's why I fucked your brother.
Because I knew you'd be going to jail one day.
What?
Or, you know, I don't want to identify as bi.
I'm happy he's gone.
Yeah, right.
Whoa.
Never mind.
I guess I'll just fuck myself over here.
Yes.
You never, I don't play with that.
You never know.
Yeah, that's too dangerous.
We just did a scenario a second ago on our show.
This guy dumped his girlfriend because when she eats spaghetti,
she's like a loud slurper to the point they've gone out multiple times.
He said, I think they lived together.
They weren't together that long, but they do live together.
Slurping so much that other tables would look and be like, oh, my God.
And he said he was mortified. They like oh my god and he said he said
he was mortified they talked about it and he would he told her like i will not eat out in public with
you anymore if you're eating spaghetti okay so she said let's go get italian tonight and he said
where are you gonna get she said don't worry i'll get the lasagna okay they go to the date
they go out to the restaurant she orders the spaghetti and so he got up and left
said he sat in the car and listened to a podcast because he was like i'm not subjecting myself to
this again stop it the story said like after some time she came out so i'm thinking that she ate
the spaghetti and then and then like confronted him and basically she was like you're you're an
asshole and he's like did i go too far where where what would you say in that scenario who do you who do you side with oh my god i mean hmm i think that
i think that i would god that's a tricky one i don't know i think she should have eaten the
spaghetti for sure definitely don't you should have ordered it or you would never have to ordering
it oh well no she should have she shouldn't have ordered it or eat it after ordering it oh well no
she shouldn't have
ordered it
that was fucked up
that was fucked up
to order it
it's almost like
she wanted to get
broken up with
you know how like
sometimes you're in
a relationship
you're like
I don't want to be
the bad guy here
it's sort of
the best
oh you know
sometimes
the best
how about all of them
the best out
then order the fucking
spaghetti
genius
if she's sabotaging
that's all good
but then
she went home
and was like
you're rude to me
and like she went
in the other room
and talked loudly about him
so that she could hear her
and like
it didn't seem like
yes I got my way
I think
I don't care
it's crazy
to do it over spaghetti
but if he's like
don't do this
and you're like
okay I won't
and then you fucking do it but Jason says that to me all the if he's like don't do this and you're like okay i won't and then
you fucking do it but jason says that to me all the time he's like don't open the kit don't leave
the kitchen you know don't leave the cupboards open don't leave okay but that's like you forget
don't contact my ex-girlfriend i just keep doing it i can't stop so i don't know okay
i am the girl with the spaghetti yeah Dude, contact the ex-girlfriend.
Don't hike running canyon with my ex-girlfriend.
It's just not, I don't know how to stop.
I feel like you are a wild one in that department.
Oh my God.
Like the craziest, right? You have no idea.
No, I mean, I got an idea.
I have an idea.
I have an idea.
I think Jason again has told us probably exactly that.
She got to ask my ex-girlfriends.
Why?
And I guess I'm more of an out-of-sight, out-of-mind guy.
I'd rather just not know.
I would rather not know your exes even exist.
Because she watches the audition tapes.
She's a girl who watches the audition tapes.
She wants to know everything.
I'd rather be like, I'm just going to do my best, and I hope I get the part, and that's it.
And I won't talk to your ex because I don't even pretend that you've ever had sex with anyone else before.
But some people have to know.
Here's my thing with the ex.
And guys, just for the record, and I want to make it clear to everyone listening,
I have written multiple amends letters to the ex, and I told her I would never talk about her or write about her again.
So what I'm about to tell you, I would like it to stay between us.
Sure.
Okay, good. So my original obsession with
Jason's ex came from the fact that
when... Jason had broken up
with this girl about six months before he met me.
And then all of a sudden we were in this relationship
and she still wanted him back.
So she was writing on my IMDb page.
She was making like... Oh, alright.
She's crazy. No, but I
loved it because I was like, oh my god.
I'm dating this guy that everybody wants a piece of.
They all care about him and not me.
But now I have a fan.
I have my first fan.
She loves me.
She wants to know everything about me.
She's obsessed.
She's looking.
She's Googling images of me.
Like, I need to curate my online life to be perfect for her.
And I want her love and attention.
And I needed her to love me.
And when Jason and I were together long enough,
maybe even married,
of course she moved on and got over Jason.
I was like, quick, do something cute.
We need to get her back.
We need her back.
I need her back.
So that's when I started like doing drive-bys,
you know, past her house
and ended up befriending her
using like a fake identity.
Whatever.
It's a long story.
It's a long story we don't need to get into today.
You and I dated before.
I was going to say.
Guys, the point is this.
Have you been talking to him?
She's like the ringleader of all.
She's the head of the snake.
You're the one giving out all the tips.
I'm the master of this, yes.
Holy shit, man.
But no, honestly, I'll just tell you this.
Like, now I have made amends.
I don't, like, do anything.
I don't bother her.
I don't write about her anymore.
We've had this moment in, like, Nantucket where, like, you know, made amends. I don't do anything. I don't bother her. I don't write about her anymore.
We've had this moment in Nantucket
where since she is my
Moby Dick, it needed to be Nantucket.
Of course.
It worked out that way, thank God.
Now I am totally
I leave her alone completely.
I'm over it. I've moved on.
But I do like her.
It's crazy that it was once she was out
like it was never because
you were jealous or anything.
I excluded her for my comedy. It's not fair of me.
I did. I used her.
I do that. I use people in my life
for comedy. I used her and it did create this
whole sort of like shtick that I had online
and it's probably one of the reasons I got my
first book deal. It wasn't kind
of me in retrospect. I wasn't trying to be mean.
Right.
But, like, yeah, it just happened that way.
But I do like her a lot.
It is interesting.
I don't think I knew that.
She opened the door.
She opened the door.
I was just like, I wouldn't have been able to do all this if she wasn't.
That's so true, man.
Yeah, like, she started with the IMVB.
Once that shit goes on, it's like all's fair in love, war, and the internet.
Guys, since my mom is here, I'll just quickly tell you there was one day where, you know,
I was driving past her apartment.
My mom was in the car.
It was like part of Jenny's Legends of Hollywood tour where my mom's like in the car and I
just take her past different places, you know, that Jason's ex-girlfriend had been.
No, just her apartment.
Just her apartment.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
And I'm talking about her
on the phone to Jason.
We're sitting in a nail salon
about to go to pedicures
and she walks in
and she sits down next to
this older woman
sitting across from us
who had heard everything
I was saying
and that was her mom.
So me and my mom
getting pedicures
across from her and her mom.
The mom's not putting it together.
No, the mom.
She knew everything?
I was like, I just saw blah, blah, blah.
Oh, God.
No, it was awful.
That is insane.
That's a scene out of a movie.
I mean, it was a blessing of a short story.
Yeah.
I mean, that's, see, that's the sick part of what we all do is when horrible, bad, embarrassing
stuff happens, it used to be like a little piece of me would be like,
yes, now it's probably like the majority.
It's probably like 70-30.
It's so embarrassing, but it's also amazing material.
That's unbelievable.
Yes.
Was she slow rolling it?
Like she was just like,
I'm just going to let this girl hang herself
and keep talking?
She was pissed.
She was pissed.
It was a standoff.
Yeah, that's like,
did you guys have a tag team match?
No, they kept their sunglasses on the whole time.
They didn't want eye contact. Oh, pussies.
What a bunch of pussies.
You guys should have brawled.
Guys, we're the bad guys here. Like, not my
mom, but me. I fucked up.
But she's bad guy by association. My mom
is a bad guy. She's the bad guy crew.
My mom made me, so let's just like
pin it on my mom.
She's got some stories, I'm sure.
I'm sure she's doing the same version of that back in
the day another question we just had on the show we were doing was like what are the best social
skills or general life skills that your mother or father have ever taught you like the example that
was given was shotgunning a beer um the dad said don't ever be the kid who does dumb shit for money
like something like that yeah like my mom was the kid who does dumb shit for money. Like something like that.
Yeah.
My mom was the one who was like, never wait in a line.
Like never fucking wait in a line.
She goes, I don't do lines.
That's like, that was my girl.
How about my mom?
My mom's line was, I was trying to meet Santa Claus when I was a kid.
And my mom said, John Henry, I wouldn't stand in line to meet Jesus.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
And then we never.
There's not a person or thing alive
that I would wait in a line for.
Right, it's very annoying.
No person, no event, no movie, not like.
But there are people that see lines
and just get in line.
They don't even know why.
Yeah, yeah.
What?
Yes, like sample sales.
Like addicted to lines.
We used to live by, not live by,
we used to work by a sample sale place.
Yeah, they just get in the line just to see what's going on.
Like there must be something good over there.
Yes, exactly.
I'm like, I'm sure there is, but it's not as good as this.
No, no.
Oh, a line.
Yes.
That is terrible.
No lines is a good one.
Yeah, I like that one.
We don't do lines in this house.
No.
What's one that you would pass on?
My God.
I say to my kids, and it's terrible because it backfires on me,
but I don't take no for an answer.
Yeah, we know.
No, career-wise or whatever, whether it's in sports or school or whatever,
that's just like the opening act.
No is just the beginning of the negotiation.
And I always want my kids to sort of have that tenacity and resilience to just like fucking.
Then you start stalking.
Then you start.
Yeah, then you find a window.
Exactly.
The front door is locked.
Yeah, then you find the window.
Metaphorically, right?
No, no, no.
No, literally.
We're talking literally.
Do you feel like, I mean, because of all this, I feel like there's like this, like Jenny's crazy or like Jenny's wild.
Not like crazy, but like wild and she's open and blah, blah, blah.
But I almost feel like it's more that other people are closed off.
You know what I mean?
Like you got some wild stories, but like for the most part.
I know everybody has this shit.
I'm just talking about it.
Right.
It's just like, it's more like Jenny has like a personality and she likes to have conversations.
You know what I mean?
I feel like.
Because everyone else, I was talking about it the other day with um
we did another interview and there was like a blatant blatant point of conversation topic that
we should have talked about and we couldn't because it was just like you can't do that
right it's like fucking why not i don't care how big you are like yes and i'm not saying we would
like talk shit about you but let's just talk about it we can laugh about it and something
went wrong and whatever.
Right.
But nobody, you either have like literally a publicist say like,
you know, let's talk about that.
Yes.
Or it's like, if we could just touch that and move on.
It's like, why?
Right.
Yeah.
Whereas I'm like, well, let's just talk about whatever we want to talk about.
You know?
100%. It's weird that this is the rarity.
No, it is.
It's so strange.
Fuck that.
I hate that.
But when I moved to New York, people were like, oh, you're clearly,
you're from California.
Because they, I think here as well, it's different. Yeah. People aren't as open. I hate that. When I moved to New York, people were like, oh, you're clearly – you're from California. Because I think here as well, it's different.
Yeah.
People aren't as open.
I hate – it's just – if you can't talk about certain topics, it's like what's the point of doing all this stuff?
Because you guys are all doing it anyway.
Right, right, right.
You're just not being real about it.
It's weird.
Here we're more repressed, but we're also – I feel like when we talk, we're more real, if that makes sense.
But then California is more – less repressed, I feel like. They talk more, but more real, if that makes sense. But then California is less repressed, I feel like.
They talk more, but they don't...
Don't say more.
Yeah.
And they don't always mean everything.
Right, right, right.
That's really it.
We might not say anything, but when we do, we mean it, whereas you guys are talking and...
Yes.
Are you from California, like originally?
From Arizona and San Diego.
Arizona's crazy.
They don't give a fuck out there.
Arizona's weird.
They don't give a shit, there. Arizona's weird. They don't give a shit, man.
It's like so embarrassing.
I mean, literally, I didn't even have Martin Luther King Day when I was a child.
I mean, it's mortifying there.
What the fuck?
No, they're gnarly.
Yo, that is gnarly.
I knew they didn't give us daylight savings.
I didn't realize they were like MLK.
You think he gets a whole day?
Yeah.
No, they didn't give us anything.
It was so weird
the daylight savings thing
is a good example of it
but it's kind of funny
because it's almost like
most people prefer
to not fuck with the clocks
yes
and then
with coronavirus
they just didn't do
a fucking thing
right
but not
no MLK
no I think
the Super Bowl
I remember the Super Bowl
didn't come one year
because of that
it was a whole thing
really
yes
I don't remember that at all.
That's loose.
I'm older than you guys.
Makes sense.
Yeah, it makes sense though.
That is fucking funny.
So you subscribe to Lucille Bluth's idea
that she'd rather be dead in California
than alive in Arizona?
That's amazing.
Oh my God, that's amazing.
It's a great line.
Lucille Bluth, the one that kills me
is when she's talking about the pain pills
and she's like,
I didn't think it was a sleeping eye warning.
I thought it was a winking eye suggestion.
One of my favorites.
Winking eye.
Or when she comes down in the morning, she goes, I'll do a dirty martini.
And he goes, Mom, it's breakfast.
And a piece of toast.
Yes.
When they say, we got gotta get rid of
the c word
she's like I'll leave when I'm good and ready
we're talking about the boat
the c word
I'll tell you one thing I miss a lot
that's what we just did
people don't do that anymore
they share memes
sit around and say funny quotes
quote movies
people love that
don't tell your own jokes just use the jokes from tv shows Sit around and say funny quotes from funny movies and shows. People love that. It's fun.
Quote movies.
That's a blast.
Don't tell your own jokes.
Just use the jokes from TV shows.
It's so true.
Butcher professional comedians jokes with your friends.
It's some of the most fun you'll ever have in your life.
Dude, we would do that.
When I was in high school and college, we'd just get drunk in a basement and just say
fucking.
We'd just yell Will Ferrell movies and shows.
When Will Ferrell was having that run, I don't think guys ever had an original thought i think it was just i'll say something
i was new york he was boston okay okay yeah but but it was the land of love they say yes
and so now all right so you start getting your twitter followers you're writing books you're
in more roles like was there was there um moments where was like, I'm catching up to you, Jason?
Like, look, I'm famous now too, bitch.
Well, I think he always says, he's always like, I didn't do anything to you.
Why am I in trouble for being famous?
Like, it's not, I wasn't trying.
It is the most unfair thing in the world.
I wasn't trying to keep you down.
He's like, why are you trying to compete with me?
And he always tells our couple therapists, I are you trying to compete with me yeah he's like and he always tells our couple therapists i'm never trying to compete with her she's just always trying to like
usurp me in some weird way it's creepy but uh no i think when i started writing the book he loves
you oh my god because he loves the abuse but it was like it was like a who's crazier him or her
i know truly it was so empowering it was so empowering. It was so empowering. The writing changed my life. It was everything. And so I started writing for Playboy online. I was, I sent in a letter saying that, you know, I had a great short story for them and then it ended up crashing their site. And then the guy who was running Jimmy, who I think it was running Playboy at the time, called me and said, do you want to do a standing column and so after a year i had enough short stories that i thought i should try to maybe i'll maybe i'll try to write a book yeah
because i was friends with chelsea handler and so chelsea i'd watched her you know break through so
many glass ceilings and do so much so many amazing things with her life that i thought
maybe i could write yeah a memoir and so that's kind of how it started and then the first book came out
and it did well and at that moment i was like i'm never fucking acting for somebody else again yeah
i'll act in like my own shit but i never want to ever be stuck in a trailer wondering what time
i'm going home right like servicing somebody else's like you know script yeah right you're
in control so yeah changed my life when you write the memoir is it you punching things up or you
just have enough stories that are like you told them legit how they happened oh no because sometimes
i wonder i'm like is this really like all of this stuff happened the way that i definitely and i say
in the beginning i think that book i said you know some of these characters are composites some of
the names okay some of the like you know there are definitely exaggerations this is how i remember it
to the best of –
You're in college.
All I know for sure is that I was, like, super, like, hot and skinny
in all of these stories.
But, like, you know.
And then in the second one, I think I said most of the names have been changed
except my mom's.
Her name's Peggy.
So, yeah.
That is cool.
That is – a girl who got a job here, I think, within the last year.
There was like four girls that all got a job,
and we were doing a show where it was us and just them.
And I asked them all what changed the most in their life since getting the job,
and she was just not feeling like I'm just a suck on the relationship.
You know what I mean?
Like I actually provide now yes and
i'm you know whatever whatever you relationship dynamic you have but i feel like that's got to
be a cool feeling where all of a sudden you're like i do my own shit now i never felt bad like
spending his money fuck that yeah i feel like i'm the more level-headed one where i'm like no you're
not you're not getting that and he's like well it's my money i'm like no you're not it's a bad
decision for you so no i don't know i didn't care in that regard. It was more just like, yeah, the acknowledgement, recognition,
you know, going somewhere and not being Jason Biggs and guest.
That always killed me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right.
You were Jason Segel on the red carpet from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Truly, that was always me, yes, yes.
I feel like it's, you know, Jenny plus one now.
Or my dad would be like, this is my daughter Jenny and the actor Jason Biggs.
That would also be a little awkward.
And totally not his fault, but he would get the brunt
of that every time oh yeah i'm like i fucking hate it yeah exactly it is it is crazy that you
talked about it and like that that fans i get that a fan you know they want a picture and they're
kind of panicking because they like you but it is they lose their head though it is it is crazy
disrespectful to like hand it to your significant other or something like that you know like no dude
we'll do it like let's do a selfie or let's do something like –
Not even like that.
Like the way – if you say like, dude, do you mind taking a picture?
It was literally like while looking at me just like here's my phone.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
I remember there was one time like – because this was weird too because we became like famous but only in like a small pocket.
But the people who knew barstool like really yeah you know and so that was like a big burden on our relationship
and one night we're like drunk on the upper east side all the time we're like stumbling home in a
in a in a fight because that happened at the bar with the camera right and i was like
i was thinking i was arguing like it's not that't happen that often. It's not that big of a deal. And this dude, like a block away was like,
yo Barstool.
And I was like,
stop.
What's up?
Yeah.
Not now.
It was just like,
the worst.
Oh,
that's hilarious.
But yeah,
that kind of stuff is,
in a relationship is not easy for either party to deal with.
Sometimes it's like,
I think good in a fight where you're fighting and someone's like,
oh,
I love your work.
And you're like,
thank you.
It kind of just like really digs the knife in deeper.
So how many books are we going to write?
I mean, we got City of Likes now.
Which has already been an option, right?
City of Likes, I'm going to write it for Sony.
Diablo Cody is supervising.
So I'm psyched.
This is my best book, you guys.
This was a labor of love
I bled for this
now is this
is this
this is a novel
but is there
is there any
base in reality on this
because I knew there was
she moves from California
to New York
and she's a copywriter
yes
and she falls in love
not falls in love
but she meets a mommy
influencer
yeah but there definitely
is like a
sort of like
lesbian like
undertones to it
yeah there's sort of
a love triangle
the lesbian undertones that's the reply, there's sort of a love triangle.
The lesbian undertones,
that's the reply to the base in reality is?
No, not exactly.
But it is about when you fall under the spell of a narcissist
and these friendships,
these female friendships,
we sort of date each other.
Yeah.
And this particular relationship
gets a little toxic.
Yeah, how about this?
In Daphne's world,
where they're hobnobbing
at exclusive Power Mama supper clubs.
Yeah.
I want to go to a Power Mama supper club.
You guys.
How do I get into there?
If I wrote this as a memoir,
I'd have to leave town.
Put it that way.
There are, yes.
There's definitely had to be called fiction.
Fiction.
Yes.
So you put this out.
Well, at least we're keeping that secret.
Yeah, exactly.
Again, nobody's listening
it's fine
nobody's listening guys
it's nowhere
how quickly did they
get options
well
it got options
oh my god
it got options right away
but I had done
my first show
well my first book
I wrote
for Sony for ABC
so this was Sony
and Sony assumed
they're like okay
well it's probably
going to go to our comedy department.
But then they read it, they're like, this should go to the
drama team. So it's going to be a
one hour. Shit. Yeah.
Very cool. That's unbelievable.
That's going to be your first drama, right?
It's going to be your first drama, right?
Yes.
I feel like the, I think I've listened
to Rob McElhinney talk about it, maybe
from Always Sunny, where he talks about what's the hardest hardest to write because he's been a showrunner on a couple of things.
Yes.
And he says a comedy.
He's a comedy.
He's by far the hardest because drama – he's like I know what it takes to make everyone sad and scared and nervous.
I don't know what it takes to make everyone laugh.
Everybody laugh.
Yeah.
Interesting.
And I was like that actually makes a to make everyone laugh. Oh, interesting.
It varies so much.
What one person finds funny, some person might think is the worst, right?
But if someone's mom dies in the scene,
everyone's feeling it.
So it's a lot more people to try to please.
But I feel like if you find it funny and you're laughing,
you know it's worth it.
It's working enough.
Jason's like, stop laughing at your own stuff
when he's reading it back to me
I'm like that was so good
how can we get
a couple roles
in a book
or one of your books
I'll have you guys in
you guys will be in it
for sure
we'll audition
we'll audition
as long as we get to see you
I don't want to
I don't want to see those
I'll give you the tapes
I don't even want to watch them
we'll audition
if you need like
two dumb white guys amazing which is always a role audition if you need like two dumb white guys.
Amazing.
Which is always a role for that.
You always need two dumb white guys.
You need a douchebag.
You need a moron.
You need something weird.
The white guys are that guy.
I've been working at it forever.
Yeah, professional.
Yeah.
Professional.
For 37 years, that's me.
We're method actors.
All right.
So the book is City of Likes.
You can also catch it with Sony because it's already out there. We're method actors. All right. So the book is City of Likes.
You can also catch it with Sony because it's already out there.
I mean, I feel like you're already successful but on the verge of so much more.
That's so sweet.
Just keep us in mind, you know? Thank you.
When you're at Power Mama Supper Clubs.
I will.
All right.
Thanks so much for coming.
Thanks for having me, guys.
Thank you, Jenny. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.