KFC Radio - Jake Johnson, Ben Schwartz, WAP Deep Fake, and Hot 9 Year Olds

Episode Date: August 25, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! -We kick off with an apology for last episode and then immediately say way worse things -Feits has a new business idea for you -What are the most clever ways you cheated on tests? -Feits shares a story about getting beat up abroad -People are mad at KFC for his knowledge on the Irish Potato Famine -KFC admits he would eat human meat -KFC and Feits ruined people's days with the Deep Fake Wap Video -Top 5 Sports Series -Voicemails include movie quote pickup lines, puking on it, and husband watching porn in quarantine. (01:36:30) Jake Johnson joins the show to discuss his new show Hoops on Netflix. We talk about how he built a shed in quarantine, assembling the cast of New Girl, wanting to learn from Rob McElhenney, Ben Schwartz in getting New Girl greenlit, and much more. (02:12:00) Ben Schwartz returns to the show to wish Feits a Happy Birthday (#HappyBirthdayJohnnyBoy). We talk about what he's been up to in quarantine, the sequel to Sonic, we play everyone's favorite game, "Guess that Ball", and much more. Once again, go stream Middleditch & Schwartz right now.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. 2020, imagine if we just started fucking. That's actually been something I've always tried, I've always considered doing. What? It's another edition of KFC Radio On the Barstool Sports Network And our last episode, John Was That was an episode john was that was an episode it was i mean i got more comments and feedback like real

life feedback from like friends and family and people who listen who are like you were on one and i mean i remember uh when that episode finished as i was recording that episode i was like jesus christ kevin like get it together and then i was even tweeting saying like uh to promote the episode being like i'm embarrassed of this episode and then and then then i was getting people like tweeting me quotes and it was like even worse than i thought i was like oh my god and so uh our our intern jackie is on the other end right now she's been awesome she's uh up at all hours of the night and morning with the time difference and making a shit ton of clips for us and stuff. But I almost feel like I need

to apologize. Yeah, that's fair. Jackie, I don't know what you thought you were signing up for. I don't know if you thought it was going to be like cousin fucking and weird shit that I was saying, but I almost do feel like... Tell me, correct me if I'm wrong, were you like, Mom,

Dad, like I got this cool internship, and like, hey, friends, I'm doing KFC Radio, and then they tune in and they hear that, I almost feel like I need to apologize. Well, first of all, I was telling Nick that when you have, like, I love last episode mostly because it makes my job so much easier when you have one-liners like that,

because then I can just easily find clips. Yeah, there was like 20 clips that came out of that episode and i didn't want to post any of them i was like you guys can post that i'm not posting that i was like i don't know if i should post the like cousin thing out of context but i think it's fine yeah nick checked with me he's like how much are we leaning into this cousin fucking thing i was like god damn it i'm an adult what's wrong with me i was like laughing my like search history is like, how do you spell cum? Is it C-O-M-E or C-U-M? I was like, I have the weirdest fucking job.

We're just teaching the youth of America, John. But it's also not like sometimes you feel like you just say things on the show that are off the rails. But like today, just talking in the office, I was talking about how I'm going to get not arrested. arrested i'm gonna get caught in a pedophile ring when i want to quit this job oh yeah that was wild what where did that begin it was we were talking about like uh youtubers or something like that i guess this is youtube company or youtubers to like stream like doing like chris hansen stuff yeah there's like a youtube channel who just takes it upon themselves to do to catch a predator. Yeah. And like they aren't there aren't police involved or anything like that.

And someone knew someone who was on it and was like, yeah, he just he just ran away to the woods of Maine. And I was like, well, that's what I'm going to do when I'm ready to be done with this job. I was like, John, you can just move to Maine. You can just quit and you don't need to set yourself up in a pedophile ring. No, I'm too scared to quit. And so I'm just going to like, I don't know, just fucking

get caught by those guys. And when they're like, what did you think you were going to do here today? I was like, quit my job. That's why I came today, to quit my job. I'm not actually going to fuck you. I just need you to put this video out and make me quit. They're like, oh, so you don't want, no, no, no, don't post it. I'm glad we're live streaming. I came here to have sex with a 14-year-old

boy. Turns out I'm just going to move to Maine. What are we talking about? John wants to quit his job, so he's going to pretend to fuck a 14-year-old. Not yet. I'm just saying when that time comes. I can't wait to be canceled. It's just classic Cortez, I think it was. Burn the ships.

Yeah, burn the boats. Just like fucking, I can never come back. Yeah. I'm done. I'm out the game forever. There's just easier ways. That's the way to leave. No, that's not. like fucking i'm i can never come back yeah i'm done i'm out the game forever i i just there's no way to leave no that's not because then you'll get like you'll fucking like i didn't want to get back no you you have you have your fan okay that i that i'm interested in that makes sense because

i have thought i mean i cannot wait for the sweet release of cancel like i just do it to me and let me go uh and but i have thought to myself, if I ever, quote, unquote, retire or not even retire, but, like, you know, I'm going to scale it back. I'm going to spend more time with my family. You can do that shit for, like, a month. And then you Francesa it. You Brett Favre it. Francesa would quit for a week. Yeah.

Guess what? He's probably wishing he fucking raped a kid. No, no, no. Pretended, got painted as doing such. Got painted as doing such. Very different. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Boy, I mean, I started out apologizing and we're just, this is a worse episode. As you were apologizing, I was like, I'm going to take this back real quick. And guess what? I will not apologize. No. Also, I mean, I had said as we were releasing last week's episode, I was like, theoretically, I could cut these things. It's not live. It hasn't been released yet.

I could tell my producers to get rid of these things. But alas, that's not the code I live by. I live by a Dexter-esque code where it makes no sense. And what I say here, it flies. Yeah. It does fly. It all works. I say here, it flies. Yeah. It does fly. It all works. I mean, we soared.

I mean, that episode was flying. It was zooming. And it's like, yeah, well, I guess when you just say completely horrific and outlandish things, the audience likes it. Well, good. We checked that box. Jackie, has any of your do you like your family listen or are they even do they understand? Like, my parents are so out of the loop technologically and internet wise. They've never like caught up with anything I've been doing,

but I would imagine your parents are probably like my fucking age. So I'm sure it's different. Yeah. I like, I always told them I listened to a podcast and I think that they thought they got the idea. It was like an intellectual podcast or something like that. And so then, yeah. and I think that they thought they got the idea. It was like an intellectual podcast or something like that.

And so then, yeah. And then I told them I got this job and then it all hit me. I was like, oh shit. They were like, oh my God, I can't wait to listen. And then the first one that they... Sorry, go ahead. The first one they listened to was, there was like one, it was the one where you were talking about

how Casey's mom had listened. It was the one before that. And you were talking, you talked about jacking off like 50 times in the episode my mom's like all right god damn it i told my when i first got hired my dad knew what barcelona was but when i first got hired i told my mom like never not never look at it whatsoever and uh she's she's she's actually big in the, but she's never listened to anything. My mom and my sister are the only women in my life who have honored the idea of just not listening. Everyone else, they say they're not going to or they don't have a problem with it, and inevitably they do and they do.

But hey, pays the bills. Does pay the bills. That's nice. That's about it, though. And you guys thought that was going to pay the bills. Does pay the bills. That's nice. That's about it, though. I got it. And you got something that's going to pay the bills, right? I got nothing. Well, I have a lot of business ideas sometimes where I'm like, I shouldn't say it, and I do it anyway.

This one I really shouldn't say. I'm going to do it anyway. Speaking of paying the bills, we've got to do so right now. Owens Mixers, I am making a solemn promise to you. I'm going to get into the Owens Mixers game. We are going to get into the Owens Mixers game. We are going to get into the Owens Mixers game. I promise you that. And it's after watching the foreplay guys just crush it with transfusions.

We're going to do it as well. They don't know it yet. Haven't talked to them, but we're going to Owens coming for that ass. And we're going to do it in a major way. The transfusion is the crisp, refreshing flavor combo of grape juice and ginger ale you mix that up with some navi a little new amsterdam vodka and you have yourself a perfect summertime drink golf course drink pool drink uh beach drink or whatever i mean you can be by the fire in the middle of january drinking transfusions who gives a fuck for sure. It's a delicious beverage.

I don't abide by seasonal drinks. I don't abide by any. I was getting a drink the other day, Saturday, I think, and I asked the bartender, waiter. Why did I say it like that? The waiter.

I said, what do you recommend, the margarita or the old-fashioned? And he said, well, it's summer margarita. That's not what I asked, motherfucker. I said, I'll take the old-fashioned. Thank you very much. Yeah, I mean, I've been doing that for a long time. I had red wine during the summer, first meal. When my kids were first born, I was having fucking hot dogs at 9 a.m.

I was up for hours on end. And I just don't think I'm going back. I just think I'm just going to live exactly how I want to at all times. Except hot beverages. I can't do like a hot toddy in October. I'm sorry, in August. But if you wanted to, you should. But yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, fuck it. You want to do iced coffee in the winter? You want to do hot drinks? Whatever. But the beautiful thing about Owens is it comes pre-ready to rock in the little cans or in the bottles. And they've got all your classic cocktails. All you got to do is mix in whatever liquor you want and you're good to go.

You can get the transfusion mix at Owens' website or on the Barstool store. Or you can go to a liquor store near you. Hopefully they have it in stock. But honestly, don't hold your breath because those things are flying off the shelves. So check it out. Owens, the Barstool store or your local liquor store. Hit me with this idea, bro. Okay.

Now, as always, everybody earmuffs. Don't listen. Don't listen. Don't tell anyone. Don't steal this idea. Or if you're smart enough to do it, like do it and then give us the money. Yeah. Because whatever you're about to say, I, like do it and then give us the money. Yeah.

Because whatever you're about to say, I'm sure we can't get off the ground. Oh, no. It's not like we have a media company that could help us with it or anything. I severely struggled to fill out an application this week. Once I filled it out, it took five minutes. It took me three days to get up the courage to fill it out. Courage. So, no.

I'm not going to be doing this. You are like the cowardly lion. You really are are if we ever go to oz we got to find you some courage just like i don't even like i i get you look you would be a great cowardly lion yeah i would actually you got like the the the beard to go like it looks like a mane and you you know you you're a pussy you don't have the courage. Big time. It could be perfect. It's just like I see things like if it's slightly outside of my normal day-to-day life. Done. Overwhelms me. I start sweating.

I'm like I'm just – and I just put it away because I'm like I can't deal with it. This is why I don't ever pay tickets and shit. I'm just like I can't go to that website. I can't put my information in. It's so easy. So fucking – Next thing you know, I'm getting arrested. I was just like – it was – I was actually filling the application out when I got the

aforementioned old-fashioned, and I didn't even – an old-fashioned, a little drink. Didn't finish the old-fashioned before I finished the application. It was three days of panic for six minutes of work. This is why you have a girlfriend. Why men have girlfriends. Yes. It's like when they say like, you're going to make an honest man out of me, it's not like you're like a wild child who needs to be like calmed down it's

like i'm just gonna get you to do shit yeah and i'll be i'll tell you what too it was one of the most proud things i've done in a long time filling out like i felt great about myself well that's doing things yes checking shit off your list as as harmless as it is it feels like and you know what it is because you know why what happens is you then like reward yourself it's like i i filled out an application so tonight i'm like throwing a lip i'm gonna have a bottle of wine i'm gonna eat whatever yeah all of a sudden like carbs don't count because i filled out a fucking it's great you understand why people who like do things are happy yeah i cleaned out my closet yesterday cleaning out my closet I felt like a million dollars

heroic I told Casey earlier today and it's kind of a joke kind of real that I feel the happiest and healthiest I've been in I don't know how long and I think it's because I haven't seen Casey in about 5 days and that's partly true but the other thing is I just did some stuff this weekend

I just did a couple of chores I feel amazing. What did I do recently? I fixed something with my car. I changed the oil or whatever. I took it to a place and they fixed it. Oh, you didn't even do it yourself. No, I mean, come on.

What am I, Bob Wheeler or some shit? But I just like fixing things, things doing things accomplishing things as tiny as they are all of a sudden i have confidence you know yeah like wow it's great like i can do something i'm i'm an impressive man i can fill out a fucking application but i mean but we're not but we we think that yeah yeah but it gives you just an idea of yeah like you said confidence but you are an ideas man ideas man yes yes application fill out man not so much but what's the latest idea okay so it's like 23 and me but instead of figuring out where your family origins are from you figure out what characters throughout

your life you base your personality on what percentage of what person is you like uh like like fictional characters yeah because that's what like that's what person is you like uh like like fictional characters yeah because that's what like that's what your brain is like what is your personality who have you who have you become and you get it done by like you have all the writers of like famous movies and shows fill out like a personality quiz and then you fill out the personality quiz and if it matches and then they they do some algorithm shit and it's like, okay, you're 16% John McClane. You're 42% Nick Miller. Bold.

Okay. I was going to say Nick Miller. Well, because here's the deal. And this actually is a pretty impressive look at the trajectory of my life. Like, as a kid, my personality was based on, like, John McClane, little Monty Python. Yeah, that's a weird one. Your dad one Your dad instilled that in you, right? Yeah, a little By the way, when you guys were talking about that, I mean, I fucking

hate Monty Python And you and your brother and your dad were talking about it and I just was like, yeah, yeah, yeah I didn't want to yuck your yum, and I was like, that fucking, I hate that movie What else was there? The crazy Irish guy from Braveheart. Yeah.

My island. The, fuck, there was one more I was like sure about. Pavel Bure, of course. Naturally. And then, fuck, what's the other one? Fuck. So you had a little bit action hero, a bit sports hero a little bit comedy guy and now i'm like hank moody mixed with nick miller mixed with uh i don't i don't know who else that's

honestly it it's probably pretty much it yeah so so your idea though so you this would require writers producers whoever oh they'd get a cut They'd get equity right away. And they fill out like you said. Extensively created by psychiatrists. Not me being like, hey, do you like milk or water? That wouldn't be on one.

This is why I'm having a psychologist do it. Like I said, I'm an ideas guy. I can't execute. It's 23andMe, but for your personality. To figure out where your origins of your personality are. And so I'm envisioning like a scale of 1 to 10 type things. Like what would John McClane answer? And then you answer the same way.

And then it's like, okay, so you were trying to be like John McClane. You were trying to be like Pablo Barri. But, I mean, you need a wild number of people to big one it's a big undertaking which is why i'll never do it yeah but i think because everyone wants them more so than like if i'm from fucking sub-saharan africa i want to know what what fucking famous people am i like what what fucking fictional characters am i like? I, growing up, I know for sure I wanted to be like Marty McFly. Oh, good one. I know every time I had an imaginary girlfriend in a game I was playing,

her name was Jennifer because of Marty. Who else? I mean, Zach Morris, classic. Zach Morris, very much a fan. Cliche, but it is what it is. Cory Hunter. Cory, you blended them. I like that. Sean Hunter. Cliche, but it is what it is. Corey Hunter. Corey, you blended him. I like that.

Sean Hunter. Sean Hunter, my bad. But I do. Corey Hunter is like every woman's dream. That's like the cool guy, but then sweetheart. I mean, you want to be a Corey Hunter. Uncle Jesse. Huge one.

That was a big one. Huge one. Charles in Charge was a big one for me. That's like a little bit older. Yeah. That was like pre. Because that also. Leo in fucking Family Matters Charge was a big one for me. That's like a little bit older. Yeah. That was like pre. Because that also. Leo in fucking Family Matters, was it?

Growing Pains. Growing Pains, yeah. That was weird because he was just a homeless kid. I know, but he was a fucking man. He was Leo. Yeah. But stay in that tree right there. Mike Seaver from Growing Pains was like that dude.

Mike Seaver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was an episode of growing pains where he wrote all the answers to the test on his bottom of his shoe and then like sat there with his leg crossed and like cheated on the test and i that just i was like oh i'm cheating on every test forever that really instilled in me i would cheat on tests that i absolutely knew the answers i've never cheated on you are such a fucking liar and or an idiot i don't look i don't 100 hold me to it but i'm pretty sure i've never done like a crazy detailed thing like i didn't i

just couldn't figure out how to do my ti89 i know some people did that yeah you know what i remember yeah i know what you mean like you see you never gone to like you would look at people's papers right yes that for sure yes so i remember there was a uh we got poland spring bottles banned in our school i don't know is this right on the inside yeah is that smart i uh i don't know i don't think it was a regular you know epidemic across high school but they would yeah they would write on the wrapper on the inside and then you know you can look through and see the answers um i never did that i would definitely also like plagiarized I've never had like a crib sheet just because I was always so

I'm so fucking like I don't know what blah means but I am that's the way to describe me and I was just like I'll get caught in two seconds trying to get the crib sheet out I would absolutely always look at every paper and I would be like I know the answer to this

this is 100% C and I would look at your paper and I would be like, I know the answer to this. Like this is 100% C. And I would like look at your paper and be like, that's wrong. You're an idiot. But I could have got caught cheating for things that I remember on the AP calculus test. I was just like desperately hoping for a three. I just I wasn't going to get any credit for this. I just didn't want to like bomb it. And I was my buddy block was like sitting to me, and he had no shot.

I mean, no shot. And we were trying to – I was trying to help him out. I mean, cheating on a calculus test is very hard. It was one of those, like, you have to show – I've never taken calculus. You have to, like, show your work, you know? I took pre-calc. So I remember –

I didn't even take pre-calc. I took pre-algebra. I think – What does even that mean? I believe – maybe I'm wrong. I took pre-something senior year. pre-calc. I took pre-algebra. I think. What does even that mean? I believe. Maybe I'm wrong. I took pre-something senior year. Pre-calc is a thing.

I don't think pre-algebra. I took something senior year where they were sophomores in class. That was my senior year math class. You're a big dummy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I remember showing him my paper, and he was trying to match all my work. But I think we did it for the wrong questions.

So he had the right answer for the wrong question. And they weren't clearly like you guys cheated? I mean, I'm sure they did. But you didn't know? Yeah, no, I didn't get caught. Wow. The greatest cheating scandal that I ever came up, phrasing,

the greatest academic cheating scandal I've ever been involved in that I got caught for, I was in either seventh, I think seventh grade. And this was like prime black KFC years where I was hanging out with all black and Puerto Rican kids. And there was one kid, Gennaro, G. And G was fluent in Spanish. And he was illiterate in mathematics.

And I we were the perfect yin and yang. So I did all of his math homework and he did all my Spanish homework. But two things happened. One, he was like casually fluent. So like, you know, he wasn't really by the book Spanish, but you would only know that if you were like fluent. You know what I mean? So it's like like a teacher say yeah yeah yeah but it's just like you know looking at my homework you'd be like this is what someone from puerto rico would answer it's correct but it's not what

i taught you you know but uh i gave him my math homework and he was the teacher that she must have like knew something was up and she was standing like at his desk and she was like, uh, show me like your work or whatever. And he started flipping through his binder and went through like my work. And she said, stop and flip back. And she said,

that's Kevin Clancy's handwriting. It's like, holy shit, this bitch is not fucking around. I mean, I feel like she must have like known it and plotted and planned until she had like the evidence like like the fucking da trying to take down the mob like not not before we have all the evidence that was a that was a big that was a big cheating

scandal like my mom got called and everything when was high school no this is like seventh or eighth grade okay because i think once once the cheating scandals get to high school that's when you can get like real trouble yeah i think in seventh grade it's kind of like oh they're being cute yeah i mean nothing really happened to it i think my mom was even like good to high school, that's when you can get in real trouble. I think in seventh grade, it's kind of like, oh, they're being cute. Yeah. I mean, nothing really happened to it. I think my mom was even like, good shit. That's resourceful. You know what I mean?

But I just never met a test I didn't cheat on. I mean, all of them. I looked over shoulders, 100%. Yeah. But the smuggling things in is where it kind of gets extreme. I guess I kind of cheated on my SAT-2s because I was drunk for them. What? What? Which one did you take drunk?

SAT-2s are hard as a motherfucker. SAT-2s Spanish. Because my buddy and I had just gotten back from Spain. Yeah. And we had always been like, dude, we are so much better at Spanish. Yeah, now's the time. Which we're like. Oh, oh.

So you drank on purpose. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. so much better at Spanish. Yeah, now's the time. Which we're like. Oh, so you drank on purpose. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are staggeringly stupid. We were drinking like, during the test, we were drinking. We had Gatorade All-Stars, the little mini bottles, and we had them filled with vodka. We brought like three Gatorade All-Stars. Straight vodka, or you mixed them with the Gatorade?

No, mixed them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were like, cheersing during the test, because we were drunk. Being like, we're fucking Gatorade All-Stars, baby! Well, the SATs and the SAT2s were a weird thing where you would go, like, I don't know about you,

but I went to, like, a different school on, like, a Saturday. No, we had it just in our... Oh, because you were in, like, your fucking, your boarding school and shit, right? Like, I went to, like,

a different high school and took tests there, so it wasn't even, like, you know, it's not like I saw my regular teachers or any of that shit. That's different a little bit i think like that would be a safer place to be drunk yeah i was gonna say it would be easier to be

drunk and cheating because like i don't even know you and you're not really you know paying attention we were just we just thought that when we'd come back from spain and we partied every single night we were just like we were always like we're better speaking spanish when we're drunk which is definitely it's two things one i think it is partially true because i just think because it lowers your inhibitions and you're not thinking about how scared you are and how stupid you sound speaking a different language i can understand that but two but that's also that's like you've had like one or two drinks not like your shit face drinking 100 yeah then the two is just like blacking out and not remembering like

yeah that's there's a difference between uh taking the test drunk and taking the test after a drink. You're thinking you looked great out there when actually you looked like every drunk experience ever. 100%. That's what drunk is. Like, ah, I was killing it, man. Like, no. You were like an asshole last night. The stories I caught of you guys when you were in Spain and they were trying to make you take do siesta yeah

and you were just like well i'm a 17 year old boy i can't go to bed at 3 p.m so i'm gonna just drink whiskey so you were just shit face during nap time for you know the semester abroad yeah it was and then we just partied all night it was like and we just go didn't graham say he took a shower during siesta once and she slapped him in the face? Oh, she used to beat the shit out of us. Your study abroad mom used to just abuse you. Like legit. If I was there for a month, hit me 15 times more than my parents ever hit me.

All combined. It was like, it was, it got to the point. That's like so illegal. Yeah. You just beat strange kids? Beat them. Like day one, she set the tone. Like to the point. That's so illegal. Yeah. Beat strange kids? Beat them. Day one, she set the tone. Walked the door.

Welcome to hell, bitch. It was fucking wild. There was one night where she was feeding us. And you can only get hit so many times before you're like, all right, fuck this lady. I'm going to fight back. Yeah, my mom. You're just some random Spanish woman. And I would have been polite had she been polite.

But she came out with this dish. And she was like, I want you guys to try this dish I just invented. And it was fucking sausage and potatoes. And I was like, actually, that's brother. I don't know. Germans. Fucking. I was like, the Germans invented that.

And she's like, okay. Like, that's a German meal. Maybe Polish, but I forget. But it's fucking not your meal. She's like, no, I invented this. I was like, no, you didn't. And we're just fucking like yelling at each other. And she starts fucking whacking me with the spoon she brought out to scoop it onto her plates.

And I'm just fucking, I'm in a ball like a turtle shell right away. And I'm like, it was the Germans. It was the Germans. And she's just fucking. You won't relax. you won't give up i never gave up i think she just got tired she was a big fat lady it was fucking wild but she let us party all we wanted so you know yes there were other people who had like billet families that were like very strict like you know at 10 p.m every night right give a shit what we did she just wanted to kick our ass when we were there i would imagine because like why the fuck would you do that eh maybe if you're like an old couple or old single person you're like a widow widower and you just want like you know kids or a

companionship but if you're like you got your own kids and your own life and shit and you do that i mean what the fuck dude one time she beat me because she fucking did our laundry and she stained my shirt and i just i wasn't like angry at this point. I was like, oh, like you got a little stain on here. And she was like, no, you did that. I was like, I didn't. Like, it's a red stain. I would have noticed this at any other point. And she just fucking went to town on me there, too.

Don't talk shit, get hit. That's fucking crazy, man. We were talking during the live stream the other night. I was very disappointed in the reaction to this. Um, we're talking about the Irish potato famine. Yeah. Which I think despite its overwhelming tragedy is on the surface. It's a very funny tragedy, which I think we can say as Irishman, it's like we couldn't,

we couldn't grow potatoes. So a million people died. And what I always pride myself the most on what i like the most about having irish heritage is that we don't get offended we don't give a fuck and everything's up for up to be laughed at and made fun of and so i tweeted that because i googled i searched why didn't the irish and it auto-filled just fish. Like there were a lot of people out there like, why the fuck couldn't you guys figure out some other food? And even fishing is a, is a crazy one.

I, I just plant carrots, plant something. I, I guess if there's blight and you can't build a grow to potatoes, what is it like? Uh, it's like,

I think a shift in like the weather or something where like that soil is no good and you just can't grow. Uh, it's something to do. Like there's blight on the soil is no good and you just can't grow. It's something to do like there's blight on the crops and that means you're fucked. I don't know exactly what – give me a little Google search. Oh, sorry. I was replying to chat. I'm trying to get into radio right now. So maybe we couldn't grow anything because of blight.

A plant disease, especially one caused by fungi such as mildew, rust, and smite. Okay, so not weather, but whatever happened with the with the potatoes made me, like you said, grow carrots because there's no fungus there. What I came to learn real quick is that it was the British, those motherfuckers, were basically enslaving us and wouldn't let us use ports and wouldn't let us, and I think the Native Americans sent food over to us

and the British just kept it all. So they were basically Shout out to Native Americans. Yeah, that was nice of them. Why would the Native Americans have the Irish back? Why would the Native Americans even know that it was happening? Yeah. And why would they... Did someone call?

Yo. Hey, Geronimo. We need some fucking corn, bro. How did the Native Americans learn about the Irish potato paper? Well, I guess people were going over. Yeah. So, like, British people going over. Like, you never believe what we're doing.

We're fucking killing the Irish. We are. Hey, we hey we're gonna kill you next but right now we're killing the irish we're just destroying their lands yeah it's amazing and they're like uh we're gonna send over boats with food and if you guys want to come here and help us out for when these guys flip on us be grateful yeah maybe that's what the the native americans were like we're gonna need some backup because these motherfuckers are gonna do it to to us. Thanks. But a million people died. A million people left just getting out of town. Like, well, there's no potatoes, so we got to leave. And so, you know, I did – once I did that Google search, I learned that, you know, the British were fucking with us.

But the amount of, like, Irish people responding to my tweet, like, offended almost and be like, why don't you research this? You should know this. Like, this isn't a joke it's like fucking turn in your irish card it's a funny joke that the irish died because they couldn't eat anything but potatoes fuck off it's a funny joke that they would why didn't they eat anything else is a funny joke yeah period it's like yes i get it it was genocidal fucking colonization from the british i understand but we laugh about these things here when we're Irish. We drink, we get rosy cheeks, we beat our spouses,

and we die because of potatoes. It's funny. It's all funny. You're going to get offended and tell me to research things or not to be, you know, don't be insensitive. What's the point of even being Irish? There's very few good traits about being Irish. I mean, I'm struggling to think of one.

One is we have a good sense of humor. That's it. So if you don't have that and you get offended, all that's left is alcoholism, bad ugliness, paleness, and little penises. And little fucking dicks. We're just brimming with

confidence and humor and impervious to being offended. I agree with that. And those are great traits. But if you don't embrace those, then being Irish is the worst. Those are the best traits you could possibly have. Yeah.

Well, the only thing, I think being impervious to, like, we don't get offended. I think also leads to just tremendously bad mental health issues there's a double edge it cuts both ways like yeah we got a great sense of humor and we don't get offended but also I haven't addressed my feelings in about two decades and I'm about to explode

and I just kind of just shut the fuck up about it right which way would you rather be would you rather be like us like the Irish and be like I this hurts my feelings so so much but i can compartmentalize and i can put up a front and laugh about it and i'm gonna turn it on you and we're gonna joke and you're gonna think i'm funny and i'm gonna be confident maybe that girl will even let me have sex with my tiny dick with her or you know i don't even know what's another what's an ethnicity that like you know i feel like the jews really like wear their heart on their sleeve,

and they're about their feelings. Jewish people do? I think so, no? I don't think so. No? The Jews keep it, like, suppressed? Maybe. I don't know.

I feel like the Jews are very, like, open about their feelings, like, at all times. Literally, I'm just basing this on Larry David, and I guess, yes, in that case, he would. But I don't know. I just feel like the Jewish moms are always, like. You look at that a lot and it tricks me yeah i'm sorry i won't look at it anymore you do keep looking like what's he looking at like you popped up there and like i was like oh why are we watching over here nothing

there's nothing it's just a fucking it's just a desktop uh forget about whatever another ethnicity that does that which is would you rather be basically well, like, mentally adjusted, but, you know, you do get offended and you don't have the humor and the confidence? I think maybe. What does that mean? I think maybe I would. I'd be well mentally adjusted. Yeah, like you'd switch?

I think like zero. I've reached a stage in my life where every day I'm like, when's this really going to pop? Exactly. Like, I think that from zero to like 30 for me, 28, let's say I I'm good being like, uh,

I'm the Irish guy who doesn't address my feelings. I think, uh, captain cons has it in his, um, in his Twitter bio. I think it's a line from the departed. Like we're impervious to,

um, psychology or some shit. What is it? He, I think it's a line from the departed when Leo's getting his, you know, when he's talking to his. Boo? Yeah, what is that line?

What does it say? Irish Catholic. You know where my problems really go away. Yeah. Oh, that's what Matt Damon says when he's in bed with her. Right, right. If something's wrong, you don't want us to leave. Right.

And I was like, yeah, fuck yeah. I'm proud of that. And then once you have real problems, I think it it's like this is a horrible way to live this is the as a matter of fact the worst way to live i i took off the other day uh thursday was it i said i just texted the guy you guys i said uh i'm taking off tomorrow and you and casey multiple people checked in. Like, are you good? And I was like, yeah, like, thank you.

But fuck, we're at that point in life where it's like, if I just take a day off, people are assuming something's drastically wrong because chances are there is going to be something wrong. I think that's also partly because we haven't taken a day off in like 10 years. So if something's wrong, I mean, like taking a day off, it's like this hasn't happened in a decade right what's right but you know i was i was i just i mean you didn't take you referenced it earlier uh a cheating scandal you didn't take that day off bro you were at work that day i like prided myself on that like a fucking moron that was so stupid

yeah i don't take any days off but but then when i did it was like are you gonna kill yourself are I prided myself on that like a fucking moron. That was so stupid. Yeah, I don't take any days off. But then when I did, it was like, are you going to kill yourself? Are you okay? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe I haven't addressed my feelings in 20 years. Have I looked that close to it?

We're just like, yeah, I got a pretty big chore to do today. I'm going to need a few hours at Home Depot. I don't know. I got to check some things out. Maybe Home Depot. We'll head over to a pawn shop, see what they've got under the desk. I think it would be better to be in touch with

my emotions and feelings. I'm in touch with them. I just don't put it into any practice. Yeah, because no one gives a shit. Right. So that's where I think Even though we're literally talking about them right now, but no one gives a shit. Right. So that's where I think Even though we're literally talking about them right now, but no one gives a shit. We talk about them, but I don't do anything about it. I don't know. I feel like I would say it's better

to be mentally healthy, but then if I were to all of a sudden be, I'd be like, you're so gay, dude. You know? You're so lame and annoying. Because that's the other thing. You're so 90s gay. It's like you're telling everyone your problems and your business

and you're crying and you're complaining. Nobody fucking cares. That's how I feel. Even though it's just like, no, no, no. You're just like a healthy person. I don't know, man. I go back and forth with it. Sometimes it's nice to be healthy. Other times it's fucking for the birds. For the fucking birds. I'm just going to go back and forth and tell them dead.

Does for the birds mean for women? Oh, that's a great question. I don't think so. If I'm going to guess, let's just guess. Let's come up with your actual definition. I'm going to say it's something like these are the scraps of food. We throw it to the birds. That's what I think is probably the right one. But I'm just wondering.

You know what? A fun one I learned the other day. What? Nutmeg used to make you go crazy if you had too much nutmeg and I actually didn't discover this in fact I don't even know if it's true oh yeah remember there was a guy who used to call KFC radio

and he would always be like yo what's up it's like Steve from the nutmeg state nobody fucking knows what that is the um but my mom was telling me how she was taking like a sociology of food class and she was telling me how, because she was taking a sociology of food class, and she was telling me how nutmeg was a thing that made you go crazy if you were sick. And I was like, is that where you want nuts comes from? And she's like, oh, I don't know.

Good question. Is that what it is? I didn't look it up. Let's say it. I'm going to go with it. Yeah, definitely. Let's go with that. It makes perfect sense.

By the way. But actually, that's a lie. I did look it up. Going nuts is short for how they said it in Britain, which was going nutters. But then I just. What is nutters? But I assume nutters is from Nutmeg. Fine.

Either way, Nutmeg is why you're crazy. Speaking of your mother. Your mother, when I did meet her, I talked about how we lived up, like she totally lived up to the hype. As did you, though. Because we met. And i know why you said this but not like fully you were just like hey ma you want to talk about cannibalism kev's your guy i was like first of all word what's up polly and second of all is that my reputation i'm the cannibal guy i think i mean i definitely have talked about it you talk about a lot extensively

yeah but no not a lot it's when i do talk about it. You talk about it a lot. Extensively. But no, not a lot. It's when I do talk about it, I'm passionate. But it's not like I bring it up every episode. It's not like jerking off. No, no, no, no, no. Not every episode. But I would say it's a monthly thing. Is it really? God, 12 times a year.

Maybe bi-monthly. I mean, I definitely want to talk about it. I'm like, I will eat human if you put it in front of me. But why is your mom so into cannibals? In that same sociology food course. Yeah, okay. She just learned about cannibalism and stuff like that. Yeah.

She was telling us all about it. This was still in quarantine. And she was telling us all about it. This was still in quarantine. And she was telling us all about it. My dad just got up from the table. He's not good with that sick stuff. There'll be a commercial. We'll be watching a fucking Thursday night football game or Sunday night football game.

There'll be a commercial for some broadcast television show, which is where the safest thing can possibly be. And it'll be a guy like a surgeon going in with a needle. And he'll be like a guy, like a surgeon, like going in with a needle and he'll be like, oh my god! Can't do it! That's funny, because he's like the toughest guy I can imagine, but like, nope.

Not with that. Anyway, anywho, we gotta get on this idea of yours. We gotta make millions. Someone's going to. Because I think people would pride themselves. Can you imagine that?

You get a report back and it's like, you're 33% Mark Paul Gosselaar and 22% Justin Priestley. It's like one of those things that people used to always do too. It was such a big thing in high school. And it became a big thing recently as well with the Russian thing. But people want to know, what celebrity do I look like? Yeah. What character do I act like?

Is an even better one. We've got to make an app that can do that. Speaking of apps, go download the ATI app. We are officially at 1.1 million cards viewed. Which, when you think about it, there's only five decks of 50 cards each. So that is a lot of motherfuckers playing those cards. That's actually, like, you guys have got to just be playing them over and over again. Now that I'm doing the math.

Be on the lookout. We're going to drop a new deck soon. Probably the sports deck. But there's a bunch of different categories that we will be putting out. And I think we're going to like Disney vault this shit where some come and some go. And you got to wait until you get some other ones. So I recommend now buying all the decks if you are into ati uh it's been cool watching like a new like sect of stoolies get to it you know it's like the kc radio fans have always been

down and a lot of like the readers listeners callers are always referencing certain questions but to see people stumble upon new ones like those are like classics and i see new people tweeting like whoa this one's tough. We've been doing that for a decade. I can write you a thesis on that question. Download the ATI app. It's in the App Store. It's not in the Google Play Store. I'm sorry if you have Android. You chose poorly. I know it's faster and better,

but nobody cares. No one cares. It really is one of the greatest washes of all time. If you, listener, are an Android app developer and you would like to make the app for us, fine. But right now we don't pay anybody to make apps for phones that nobody has. Not a good idea. All right, so today, by the way, didn't even mention it,

this is maybe the greatest duo interviews we've ever had. Yeah. Ben Schwartz, Nick Miller, Ben Schwartz, Jake Johnson. Like that's the tag team champions of the world in my mind. Have they,

have they been in something together? No, I don't think so. I found the clip. It's Ben had a show, the early earliest morning show or something. And like, it's a,

it's an interview with Jake. It's very funny. It's, I mean, that, that to me feels like, I mean, Jake told the story of how ben did the first table read yeah for well yeah so so they have like crossed paths but i feel like those two need like a full-blown show together like it's like it's like when the rock and mankind got together the rock and sock

connection we need we need the schwartz and johnson duo uh so we'll get into those interviews uh of course our voicemails. But first, we'll do a little top fives. Top five is brought to you by Blue Nile. So once you go through your top five. By the way, you were right about the birds. It's like worthless. Let the birds eat it.

What's that? Nick's already making fucking me his coward cowardly lion i look exactly like it courage yeah you do i mean that oh nick is painting masterpieces with the reface app we we like caused a stir with the wop video people were like don't like take this down i i had you look yo i will. Yeah, you said that a lot. I'm getting the fuck female Cardi B. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's because of Cardi B's body.

It has nothing to do with you. But if you got rid of it, like you had your facial hair on. I mean, I'm not trying to fuck a girl with a beard. But if you got rid of that, your face is good enough with that body that I would fuck you. Just telling it like it is. There was one guy. So I just bluntly said that. is good enough with that body that I would fuck you. Just telling it like it is. There was one guy, so I just bluntly said that. It's so funny watching people who are like, you know this is Barstool.

You know what we do here. And people were still like, dude, come on. I was like, I'm talking about fucking Feidelberg. Like, relax. Shut up. But somebody tweeted us and said like, why don't you guys just start doing hand stuff and see where it goes? Like, you know what? 2020 2020 imagine if we just started fucking that's that's actually been something i've always tried i've always considered doing like making jokes on like all male panels because like people always say like whenever there's

one female like they're always like oh i wonder which one she's fucking and it's like on all male panels i oh, I wonder which one she's fucking. Yeah. And it's like, on all male panels, I wonder which one you, which one's he fucking. And it's like, it was only two of us, so. Do some man stuff because you were good. Dude,

I had Paul Pabst text me Saturday night, I think, and he went, bro, I just poked my fucking eye out. And I was like, and like,

Paul, like, does stuff in fucking Vermont. It could have been like, outdoors and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Grills. You okay, man? Yeah. Yeah, I was like, oh shit, what the fuck happened? He's like, I watched that fucking video. It could have been like outdoors and shit. You okay, man? Yeah. I was like, oh shit, what the fuck happened? He's like, I watched that fucking video, dude. That's what happened. I watched you and Kevin do WAP. Yo, WAP is a phenomenon.

Yeah. It's unbelievable. Like shout out to those girls who like they've coined a phrase or an acronym, I guess. But like everybody's saying it. Everybody's doing the dance. I know you don't go on TikTok but it's like that's it you go on TikTok it's just that's it that's only people the only dance

they're doing it's just so fucking vulgar and funny it's like I mean what do you think the process is like you think those two get together and they're like we want to drop like this song of the summer and go to the charts so like we're just gonna do it like let's go all the summer and go to the charts. So, like, we're just going to do it.

Like, let's go all the way and be, like, super vulgar and sexual. Or do you think that there was a genuine process of, like, why don't we, like, make a song about wet ass pussy? I kind of feel like that was, I think it was that one. I think it was Aladdin. Like, it wasn't a gimmick for them. Like, they weren't, like, let's do this on purpose to blow up. I think it was just, like, we need to make a song about our pussies yeah like we got wet pussy and so that's you know i the new trend on social media i did it is it is like it is i'm just gonna it's too wet if i need a bucket

and a mop that pussy is too wet i'm going to respectfully disagree and say there's no such thing as too wet pussy actually that's not true i i've i have been involved in a situation where like it won't stay in like she was on top and i think that says more about me as well but it just like wouldn't stay in i was like you need to dry up a little bit like get a towel you need to be that a cardi cardi sometimes my girl's pussy is so wet my dick falls out. What do you think? She's like, I think you had a pinky dick. Woo, woo. Oh, you have to watch.

Go to YouTube and watch the way Final Break did that. Like a stroke. Oh, man, that's so funny funny you need to get a bag of this you gotta you you gotta fucking ford pinto kid you need a mac truck that's why i love that line right in this little garage oh it's so good i throw it up every time it's like i growl i love it you know what i like about cardi is she like, reply to a lot of people. Like, when there are people. Cardi's very much online.

Yeah. When they do, like, the deep fakes or when they do, like, some people have been doing the dance. And she'll quote tweet him. Like, what the fuck is this? You know? I'm thinking about maybe we should tweet her this video and see if we can get her to reply. She did write back. She retweeted mine where I didn't even at her when I said that the macaroni in a pot is like a very good description.

If I did that, you would be like, no, no, dude. You know what's disheartening? Stop it. Stop it. You know what makes me upset? Apologize to Jackie. Apologize to Jackie. Apologize to Jackie. I'm sorry, Jackie.

Jackie, are you still there? Have you run away yet? Yes. What's like, I feel like right now, especially like if you're young and in college and partying and shit, although you're not, you know, whatever, Corona, you're not out there. But I feel like WAP has got to be like the anthem right now for chicks but i haven't heard it but my roommates and i i can we all love it i can attest to that i have eight girls and you have eight girls yeah i mean yeah i mean

the jackie house is fucking wild you guys should just start like a tiktok house oh i know we we've like considered trying that. I mean, why not? Connecticut, that's technically considered a brothel. I'm serious about that. I know that. If there's eight or more girls live together. I think it's like six or more. It's why Connecticut schools can't have sorority houses.

Really? You just can't even have women living together. They're automatically like, well, you're hoarse. The only reason women could possibly live together is if they're hoarse. Jesus, Connecticut. I had friends who went to Quinnipiac, and they had frats. I believe they had frats in sororities there. I could be wrong.

I'm not positive. But I don't know if it's a joke, but they would always tell me that it was. It might even be four or more. I forget what the number is, but whatever. I'm sorry to interrupt, Jackie. So WAP comes on at the house. You're pre-gaming or whatever everybody like loves it's dancing whatever but if you're like out are you gonna be like singing the words and being like yeah i got this wet ass pussy i haven't i mean we haven't heard it out yet but i would imagine that if so

we would just yeah i guess i mean i remember I remember this is probably weren't even alive for this, Jackie. But when yin yang twins would come on and chicks would beg to the sweat drip down my bowels. And I was always like, do you know what you're saying? And I feel like at least for this one, it'll be anatomically correct this time. But it's a lot. Yeah. I mean, it's it's a fucking anthem for the chicks. And I haven't felt this way since, like, doing it, the LL Cool J song, where I used to rap the girls part of it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Call me Big Daddy and scream your name. Like, I know the girls part better than I know LL Cool J's part. But I feel like if you're out right now, again, it's weird because no one's out but like i think you were like with tiktok sorry whatever but with tiktok like when savage comes on next it's gonna be like all the i mean it's just gonna be everybody doing the tiktok dances too yeah that's gotta be weird when you're again i guess we haven't really seen that yet that's actually gonna be interesting because tiktok kind of blew up during quarantine like when you're out do are people just gonna do tiktok dances yeah it's gonna be really cringe

you know like you ever you ever watch like uh like rom-coms or like dancing movies where like in uh the channing tatum one and a couple others uh where they like you're at a party but all of a sudden they're doing like a choreographed dance at like the prom you know what i'm talking about yeah yeah like that's that's gonna happen now because everyone knows the dance yeah that's weird yeah i don't know the dance i don't know there's a dance like i think man they were just playing the song there's a dance to wop yeah yeah yeah there's like a tiktok but like in general there's tiktok dances to specific songs i still never know that like their actual dance i thought they're just like i don't know i just maybe i'm an idiot i just thought like marty was making up dances. No, you can make them up. But also like, I don't know who or how.

Usually what happens is like some like cool cutting edge black person comes up with it and the white people steal it. But eventually, however, it works is like like the baby had a song that's like this has a dance. The Jason Derulo song has the fucking dance. The one where you put your fingers together and move. So like you could theoretically be out like doing choreographed dances with strangers once the world reopens. That's going to be weird.

Yeah, it's going to be kind of cool. TikTok is wacky, man. Actually, before we get into our top five, we've got to talk about this TikTok house. Brought to you by Blue Nile. When you find the guy or girl in your life, oh, fuck that. Let's be honest.

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You were the worst. And it had my initials on it. And there's actually, there were two times in my life I wore a ring. That was, I was young. That was like middle school me. Just a JHF. It was like a clatter ring? Like an Irish clatter ring?

No, I did a clatter in high school. That was going to be the next one. I had a clatter in like, probably like, I mean, it wasn't, I didn't have it my entire run of high school, but there was a phase in high school where I wore a clatter ring. And it was – Where do you wear it on your – like which finger? I would wear it on my – I think just my right finger. Right ring finger?

Right ring finger, yeah. Because I think that means single and then left is – Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. It's where the heart's facing. Yeah, if it's in or out. Yeah. Yeah.

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Yeah, there you go. Look at it. Oh, yeah, yeah. And his finger. Yeah, there you go. Look at it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. His fingers are so jacked up that he had a ring that opened and would clasp around his because the knuckle was like too big. Lucky Angie. That's got to feel like something. So anyway, back to blue nile um this is how steven che got his his diamond i feel like we just like if steve che does it we do it because steve che is a smart guy

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I either hate these kids or I love them. And for the first time, I'm leaning towards loving them. I usually fucking... The girls, I don't care. I think you love these kids. No, no, no, no. The guys. The girls I like. The girls are whatever. The girls are dancing. They're making millions. fucking the girls i don't care i think you love these kids no no no no the the the guys the kid the girls i like the girls whatever the girls are dancing they're making millions you know we keep

talking about the guy who follows them around who's like a tmz guy fletcher from like the hollywood fix i think it's called these these girls are charlie del milio is walking out of a fucking restaurant and this guy there's fuck i mean she's getting mobbed like she's the beatles right and this guy goes charlie charlie charlie the top like she's the Beatles, right? And this guy goes, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, the top four producers on TikTok are all girls. Do you think that you've taken down the patriarchy? This girl thinks that she's just

dancing. That's all. She's not trying to take down the patriarchy, Fletcher. You might be a comedian. I mean, that's a very funny question. Yeah, but the boys, the guys, I can't stand. I hate the guys., that's a very funny question. Yeah. But the boys, the guys, I can't stand. I hate the guys. And that's probably 99% jealousy.

But 1% like, what are you doing? Why? What are you doing? Making a million dollars? Because, yeah, I mean, go ahead. Make your money. And that's for sure. If I could, I would.

But when they're doing these things, like when they, even if you're dancing, fine. These things where they set up the camera and they like look into the fucking camera and they're like winking and licking their lips and blowing kisses and like flexing it's just like even if i looked like that and had it like that i don't know if i would be doing that i probably would not do that yeah that's that's where i'm like this is weird you want to dance make your money sure well can't you find a way to do it like it's a little more normal? I don't know. Be a little funny. I don't know.

Like a normal – like a little bit more of a normal guy. Let me tell you what. As someone who has a little bit of funny, funny don't pay. It doesn't. You're right. I'd rather be hot and wink and dance. But if I was hot and rather than like I'm going to lick my lips and blow kisses at the camera, I'll be hot. I'll fucking flex my abs and then maybe also make a joke or a fucking clever

caption well but they don't fucking have to they don't they can't possibly be funny they can't have it all you would not if you're fucking raised beautiful you have no need to be funny people like you because they look at you think that you think that that funny is a need like you come up with funny because you have to it's it's a yes you could you lack self-confidence and you're wondering how you fit in social situations and you have to it's it's a yes you could you lack self-confidence and you're wondering how you fit in social situations and you have to be a person and it's like well i'm not the hot guy i'm not so you think if i if i there's nothing you look in the mirror as a six-year-old to go there's nothing appealing about me i better fucking have a personality you say a six-year-old

that's probably about when it starts gracious yeah like i mean it's not like a serious conversation like that yeah but you're a six-year-old who lacks confidence just lacking confidence doesn't start when you're 20 yeah you're it starts as a child and you're like i have to bring something to the table it's none of this so that's why the best thing that can happen in life is not smart i'm not fucking pretty i'm kind of athletic i I got to fucking be funny. I got to tell jokes. Yeah. The best thing that can happen to you is, like, you're all that shit. Like, if you have a late-in-life growth spurt sort of thing, that's the best.

Yeah. Because, like, you grow up hard and get funny. And then, like, all of a sudden, like, you're a junior year of high school. You grow, like, six inches, and you get, like, tall and hot. And it's like, well, now I'm hot, but I'm funny because I wasn't for the first 16 years. That was just a short goofy. Yeah, that's the best. Fuck. I wish I could do that. Go back and do that. I had that growth

spurt late and late. I'll fucking do it right now. I don't fucking care. I don't have to go back and do it. Fucking make me taller and prettier now. I don't even need the years back. But here's the thing. Like we could like so you think if I just committed to eating right and getting in shape that I would get less funny over the years? I'm a little too old now, but say I got in shape at like 27.

Would I lose my funny? I don't think you'd lose it. I think you'd find. No, I don't think so. Once you have it, you have it. But do you think I would utilize it less? No. I don't think so either.

No. If I see the opportunity to make a joke or what I think is a funny joke, I gonna say it i wouldn't be like i'm hot now so i'm just gonna just but if you're a fucking hot nine-year-old then like you're not you're never gonna be i'm judging by other nine-year-olds like you're never gonna be funny you're just not deal with it hot nine-year-olds we're naming this episode hot nine-year-olds uh but the tick the tiktok guy he's 21 through a 21st birthday party that's the other thing it's like bro you're like a super senior this is getting embarrassing go get a job you're dancing with like 15 year olds 21 is like washed up yes he threw a 21st birthday party for himself

male strippers female strippers tons of people no masks no social distancing and uh they were dubbed a domestic bioterrorist by the neighborhood and then the mayor shut off their water and their electricity. Good. Thank fucking God for both of them. I think that you should be able to storm the house and shoot them. This isn't even about like a fucking – it's not about coronavirus. It's not about anti-TikTok. It's about me being 31 who lived for the last four years in

murray hill and there have been so many times where if i had a button in my apartment that i could push it just turned off electricity and water to a neighboring apartment just because you don't like them i don't even know if i don't like it or not just there's loud noise and i didn't want it never even met the people right just like i just want silence right now yeah i would you're officially an old man by the way yeah. Yeah, fucking right I am. There was one time I think I was like, I can kind of jam out to this. Every other time I'm like, this is the worst fucking thing ever. Of course I'd call the cops on these guys.

And I'd hope they'd fucking shut all the electricity off. Fucking love it. I love it. I think that they should get three strikes. First strike, they probably get a slap on the wrist. Second strike, they turned off their power, electricity, and utilities. And I think the third strike, you send in the SWAT team and you kill them. Fair.

I think those kids just get massacred. It's like, listen, we as a society have gifted you millions of dollars, unimaginable fame. You have more confidence than anyone you're probably fucking girls of your dreams and making more money than you ever thought for literally 10 or 15 seconds of work at a time but the but the risk you run is also that the mayor might kill you and i think i would sign for that yeah if i was a 21 year old like so let me get this oh yeah i can party and shit and i'll be like unimaginably wealthy. But if I cross the line, like the SWAT team, a militia might come in and kill me.

Okay. Yeah, and I'd cross that line pretty quick. Big time. I'd be signing up to live one great party. Yeah, yeah, you're right. This is it. Wouldn't that be awesome, though, to build up this party? This is it for me.

The government's going to come kill me after this. That's how dope this party's going to be. Do you think that the Paul brothers look at the tiktok guys and they're like fuck these kids or like they just know that's kind of the next generation of them and they respect them i would think they know it's the next generation i don't know i mean i feel like everything everyone in the entertainment industry is like a little jealous of everyone but also like gets it right right i'm sure they're a little bit like, fuck them, but a little bit like that's the game. Alright, you want to do some top fives?

Yeah. Our top fives today were top five series because, what was the inspiration for this? I just tweeted last night during the Bruins game. Shout out to Boston, by the way. Fuck Tampa, you fucking pieces of goddamn shit. Fuck off. I hate you. It is the first time I have not seen you get passionate like this about

sports except for the Tampa Bay. You hate Tampa Bay. I hate Tampa Bay and I I said that I I tweeted that this is for 10 years. I've been chasing the high of Bruins Canucks series. It's I'm going to just spoiler alert. It's my number one series and

this is just game one. It's the first time I've kind of even felt it again. It's back. I hate the other team. I fucking want them. I don't want them to lose. I want them to die. I want to kill them.

They're fucking whiny little piss ants. Yeah, I haven't seen this about sports in general in a while. I've been chasing a high for 10 years. Yeah. I haven't felt like this for a while because it's chasing a high for 10 years yeah i haven't felt like this for a while because it's it's just like the canucks had the the twins right they had everyone they had the fucking sadin twins they had alex boros they had fucking uh bx bx bx i think uh the worst they had uh no they had roberto luongo and that's it and it was just

like everything about them was so fucking hateable that was actually the Bruins uh maybe this year's Celtics or maybe this year's Bruins too but like the 2011 Bruins I think were the last team to ever go on a run and have like the world rooting for them right like it's always been like fuck Boston fuck Boston now and they were like everyone was like kill the Canucks because the Canucks were like they were like they set a record, but they were like, you know, humongously President's Trophy winners. They were the clear-cut best team in the NHL. That felt very, like, cake-eater-esque to me.

It was exactly what it was. They were all fucking whiny little bitches. Fucking Alex Burrows bit Pete Padres-Bergeron during that series. The Sedins. Sedins' sister is one of the best chirps ever. When fucking Marchand just grabs him by the fucking face and just lets him by the jersey and just punches him in the face like six times in a row and he just wears it yeah you guys are such

fucking pussies you bite and get punched in the face and i fucking hate everything about you and then when fucking tim thomas came out of the net and fucking just put two intas and somehow wasn't a penalty it was amazing it's a it was it's the greatest series i've ever been a part of in my entire life i went to game two which is a game horton got knocked out and it was then it was an onslaught after that i think i think the final was eight one or something like that it was a it was a fucking blood as game no that's game... No, it was game two. Game three. It was the first game at home in Boston. And it was a fucking bloodbath.

My blood's never gotten up like that. Ah, 28-3. Yeah, it was up there. But that's different. A game, an individual game versus a series. And when it goes the distance, it's like, we've been together for like 10 days. I think the NHL is 10-14 days.

So I've had two weeks to fucking learn everything about yeah yeah and fucking hate your goddamn guts like they're a football game in the playoffs is big but you don't get the hate you don't learn about like you know you were the hero game one and i've learned about your family and where you came from now and i fucking hate you and then game two is i learned something else i mean i remember that with the uh with the Blues and the Bruins. I remember Dave saying, like, I don't really I don't care about the Blues. But like by the end of this, we're going to know each other.

You know, we're going to have problems by the end. So. So, yeah, the lightning is the first time I've seen you back like this. So. So are you are we going five to one or I don't know. This is an impossible top five for me. I don't know. This is an impossible top five for me. I don't have any. No, I gave my, that was my number one.

So we'll go one to five. So my, I guess my number one, I mean, I am, I'm limited here in so many ways. Because hockey is really not on the table for me. So this just really comes down to basketball and baseball and even like the good the good series for like the mets are not like good series they're not like i don't have any any of like the hard-fought deep like series we lost uh and then when like like so i i guess i would have to say that the like the two, the one and two for me would be like the Cubs NLCS series where the Mets just fucking steamrolled them to go to the World Series. It wasn't like. Fuck that series.

Yeah, I bet. I mean, that, yeah, that'll be my number one,, the Cubs were – the Cubs absolutely should have beat us. They were a very good team. And, I mean, the Mets just absolutely shit-pumped them. And I remember being like, this is so easy. Like, I've never felt that, like, before. Even when they were winning, it was like by the skin of our teeth sort of thing. And this was just, like, pure and total domination. And I being like especially when you're up once you're up like 3-0

i was just like well we're going to world series i mean like this is happening and that's when we were doing the nlcs tour and i was in uh in wrigley for like one of those daniel murphy games where he was just like a monster and like the cubs fans are so cute and nice that I was talking shit. I was like, no one's going to beat me up. I don't have to worry about getting a beer dumped on my head. I was just talking shit and soaking it in. And the whole time being like, we're going to go to the World Series.

And then I guess my other number two series would be the Cardinals in 2000 to get to the Subway Series, I think was also a sweep. And we just beat the fuck out of the Cardinals. See, I don't like sweeps. But that's what I mean. I don't have any. So the other ones in my mind. I mean, don't get me wrong. In the moment, I like

sweeps. But there's no... So like my... The hard-fought trenches type ones, like the Cardinals in 06 when Beltran got caught looking. But that series was like a back and forth slobber knocker we had injuries that we needed to overcome we had steve traxell and and fucking oliver perez on the mound like trying to just piece their way through it in uh

in 99 that was the the series with the braves with the grand single with that with robin ventura but that ended with we've walked in the series clinching run. We sent the Braves to the World Series walking in the run. It's like insane shit like that. So, like, I know what you mean, the whole point of, like, getting, you know, I'm sure you have, like, a thousand others that you won probably, right? Oh, I won. Oh, yeah, my fucking favorite series I don't lose. Number two is Bees Leafs in 13 when it was like –

They had that crazy comeback, right? Yeah. They were down three goals. I think first goal came with nine and change left in the third. And then the next two came under two minutes. Right. And then won in overtime with like the famous call, the Bergeron, Bergeron, Bergeron. And that was like a month after the marathon bomb.

And I remember watching that alone and like I'd been texting with my dad and my brother because they were at the game. And I'd been texting with them with 15 minutes left in the third being like, this fucking sucks. This is not the way. This is a good fucking team. This is not the way we deserve to go out. We're going out with a fucking whimper. My dad's like, fuck, this feels like old Boston, yada, yada, yada, yada. And then it was still new Boston.

And then it was like, with the marathon and everything, like, the emotions were insane. I was just walking in my room crying. Like, just, like, standing up. Not, like, sitting sad. Like, standing up, like, kicking air and fist pumping. And also weeping sad tears of, like, holy shit. I wish. I wish.

You know what I'm thinking as I i'm as you're saying this i mean i do have answers i do have series they're just all the times i was rooting against the yankees like the greatest series of my life is the reverse sweep it's the o4 lcs okay that's my third yeah i mean that that that by the way I get everything you described I understand especially being a hockey guy the fact that that's not your number one I was just a little young too

I was 0-4 I was in high school but I wasn't drinking in high school the other two had a lot more although I went to game what game I'm thinking of the World Series for that year The other two had a lot more. I was at the game. Although I went to game. What game? I don't know. I'm thinking of the World Series for that year.

I don't think I was at any of those games. The Sox-Yankees. But I mean, to break the curse and do it through the Yankees in unbelievable fashion. It's insane. It's insane that it's three. But the time of your life when it happened matters. It's huge. I was watching that game in the basement with my dad and my mom and my family.

And we had fun. Don't get me wrong. But I wasn't out with friends. We'd fuck around when we got to high school later. But I wasn't texting friends and being like, this is fucking crazy. This is nuts, dude. Like calling buddies. I'm like, can you fucking believe this?

What's happening? It's very different. The Bees Canuck series, that was the only time I i went that's the only parade i've been to still um but i went to that parade and like we just fucking get shit face like it was fucking amazing it was like one of that the the canuck series was the best two weeks of my life without a doubt without a doubt like i had so much fun it was like the city was on fucking fire it was crazy i mean vancouver was literally on fire it was literally on fire but like just like but that was also there was a time in life where like you you know barstool was like cooking and in a good way we weren't like bitter and resentful

over it yet and i would imagine at that point in your life like no like major problems or anything you're just like a happy guy enjoying sports which is a hard thing to do as you get older it's just like not like it used to be but when you can and and the stars align it's like this is the every night every other night whatever it's just like this is awesome it's insane it was like it was like sometimes we'll watch at the bars and I'll watch at home we'll lose sometimes we win it's like we have one night of buddy set up a projector and like his back yard and we had like 40 of us out there screaming

it was, I think with Boston it happens with every sports team where people be like, when this team's good the city is just buzzing and it was that year in particular, it's a hockey town and you'll notice when a hockey team's good it's what kind of people talk about the Knicks here

those are the only series that I guess I have as a winning series. I mean, the Knicks heat from the Knicks in the heat played four straight years in the playoffs. I think it was like 98, 99, 2000, 2000, or 97, 98, 99, 2000. And I mean, it was a literal fucking like brawl. That's the Van gundy yeah so so the so the one the one series that i think the knicks won three out of four years and the one year they lost was when there was like a big brawl and pj brown like flipped uh charlie ward in the stands but the year they won was the van gundy like holding on to alonzo's leg and being trounced

around so uh and then there was, there was one with Alan Houston hitting like a runner in the lane. That might've been the Van Gundy one. So I, I guess, uh, the only like good series I would have would be the Knicks and heat. And I used to,

I mean, we used to, it's so crazy that like nobody, no, none of the Barstool fans would ever know me as like a Knicks fan. And like, that was my, my,

my, the Nets have a weird place in my heart, but because I grew up playing basketball, none of the barstool fans would ever know me as like a knicks fan and like that was my my the nets have a weird place in my heart but because i grew up playing basketball the knicks were like far and away the team that i watched the most and we used to have for knicks heat specifically everyone come to our house to watch and we had like all superstitions like you sit here i sit there this is my chair i had one guy who just had to sit on the floor uh we always made sour cream and onion dip like from scratch with like the lip didn't fucking we get the sour cream you pour the powder in we always had sour cream and onion with chips and i had a shirt that said uh uh protect home court by any means necessary i think it was like a giveaway that i like held on to and i also had a nick's hat a nick's shirt that i tied around my head every game i don't

know why but we had like set superstitions and everybody came and watched together and then we watched like 79 to 77 fucking brawl basketball basket brawl games and that those are like the best and they're not that great memories they're not like they're not that great a series uh but and you know what i'm kind of all over the place here and rather than listing them i think the series that might represent me the best and this is so bad that i'm even going to say this this is worse than like fucking my cousin and stuff the 01 yankees diamondbacks world series where i was just like wholeheartedly still rooting for the Diamondbacks even after 9-11. Tony Womack scoring that winning run

and that bloop from Luis Gonzalez because the infield was in. I got a rug burn on my face because I like slid on the ground with Tony Womack. Like I hit my forehead on the rug. And I was just like, I don't care at all about about this i just want the yankees to lose that's an impressive amount of hatred yeah i mean and i couldn't i i i was like i remember thinking like i'll all right like i'll root for you know there's some things are bigger rico bosco some things man but then when it came time to play it was just like nope my heart's not

in this my heart's in it for the diamondbacks. I became the biggest Curt Schilling, Randy Johnson, and Luis Gonzalez fan on the fucking planet, as I always do. So, I mean, really, that encapsulates me the best. Yeah, it does. True hatred for sports. That's the only time I can thrive is through hating in sports because the things that I love, they never work out. All right. My number four is Bruins Canadians in 11. That's when it was.

That was the first round of that. That was the first round of the playoffs. And I forget what the seedings were. I, the Bruins were the underdog. I want to say in that round, I could be wrong. I'm not a hundred percent sure, but that was the, that went seven. Nathan Horton won it in OT. And that was like a tone setter.

We were like, okay, this is going to be, we're going on a run right now. And that's like, I mean, that is the, that's the rivalry, right? Yeah. It hasn't been in like recent years, but that's the rivalry. No, with them, it still is. Like I still, even when they're bad, even though they had not a bit of a run, but they played okay in the bubble. But the, with them, it doesn't matter even if there's been success or not it's

it's there there's something like xenophobic about it yeah where you're like it's not like like the yankees i honestly i just i don't really care about red sox yankees anymore i i care about them as a bait but i my it doesn't get my blood going anymore it just doesn't you just hate those dirty canadians though it's yeah like they fucking. Fucking Montreal. It's, yeah, I get very, I get very mad about it. Was that, was that, that was the, that was the game you wore the bear outfit? No, that was a different game. But that was Canadians, right? That was Canadians, yes.

It was in Montreal. Yeah. And they were, oh, it was so funny. It was, because I know when I'm going to be a dickhead. Yeah. Like, I know, make really good friends with the two people next to you. Yeah. Because, like, the home, the locals next to you.

And, like, fuck around, buy them a beer, you a beer you know and be like i'm gonna get a little loud and they'll still they'll be like shut up he's a good guy kind of deal yeah yeah um and uh it was just like yeah being there in a bear costume was preposterous was that a bet or something you just do that for content yeah just roll away and i'm on show but like the fans are so fucking funny like you better have heavy hands later, bud. I was like, all right, maybe I fucking wish I wasn't wearing this. Because if I get the fucking shit kicked out of me by a couple of Canadians in a bear costume, it's going to make for a great video, but I'm going to feel like a real fucking dickhead.

That was the game I reference all the time when we're talking about selling alcoholic games. That was the game. I went up to the woman in a bear costume and got – Four more, please. It was a close game. I did get four more, which I was allowed to get, not just two. I was like, it was late second, early third, whatever it was. Beers should have been just closing.

I was kind of getting my last beers. And I was like, hey, just to be clear, when do you guys close in case overtime happens? And she looked at me like I had ten heads. When do we close? When the game ends. I was like, you can buy beers until the game ends? She's like, yeah. You can buy beers until the fucking game ends.

You don't understand. That's a miracle. That's amazing. That's an important thing. The only thing they do right, but they do that one fucking right uh i guess my last um i mean i guess it's got to be something nicks oriented um that was that was a series too by the way that had an andrew ferrant scored a goal and just fucking straight up gave the finger to the crowd that's great in montreal that's straight up hockey glove finger bam fuck. Fuck you guys.

That was when you're like, I loved it. I mean, you thought it was regular season too, but you were like, this team's going to fucking do things. There's some blood in the water. These guys like each other and they hate everyone else. Fuck yeah. Fucking middle fingers. It's so childish and awesome. I guess the Knicks, I guess it kind of falls again with the Heat, but it was like the Hawks and it was the Heat. When the Knicks were the eighth seed in the lockout year in 99,

they beat the Heat to be like the first team to ever beat the one seed, and then they beat the shit out of the Hawks. And then I don't remember who was in the, I guess probably the Pacers, and then they went to the finals and got their dicks kicked in by Tim Duncan. But that was like that team I loved. It was Sprewell and Larry Johnson, and they were like this 8 seed that, you know, because of the lockout, they were the 8 seed, but they were better than that, obviously.

So, I mean, to beat the Heat as a 1 seed was fucking incredible. So, I guess, as sad as this is, the only good series I have. I mean, think about how bad the New York Knicks have been, and they're my good series. I hated this top five. That is tough. Well, I got my last five is Celtics-Lakers. Which is big for you to do basketball. It's big because

we did a lot of the projection screen in the same house. Yeah. And it was like... That'll change your whole experience. It was like 30 of my friends watching it's all fucking June and they were all outdoors on the side of his house

and it was like a house he rented in Newport and we just get fucked up watching the game and walk down to bars Celtics-Lakers and they put a hurtin' on him it was game 6 I think they won by like 30 or on him. It was a game six, I think. They won by like 30 or something like that. Was it game seven?

I forget, but one of the games where it was just like, we're like, pour it all the way on! All the way on! And then Kevin Garnett gave the legendary speech, which is just a commercial. He fucked up. I'm positive of that. What do you mean?

It's when he says, anything is possible! He's an Adidas athlete. At the time, their fucking marketing campaign was impossible is nothing. And he just said it wrong? He was definitely just supposed to say impossible is nothing. Wow, that's funny. I don't know that.

I don't think he's ever had a story done on that. I've always been convinced he was supposed to say impossible is nothing. Dude, I loved Kevin Garnett as a Timberwolf, and I just hated him as a Celtic. It's one of the worst things that's ever happened to me as a basketball fan was going from rooting for him and arguing about how good and underrated he was and how if they built around him the right way, they would have won. The one year that they did have Sprewell and Sam Cassell, they were awesome. I loved that team.

And then, God, I hated him as a Celtic. Why? I mean, we loved him. Because he was, well, he really ratcheted up like his fucking, he's kind of like, he's one of those guys who's like gangster, but also then kind of fake gangster at times. Oh, yeah. He was NBA at 18.

He can't be that gangster if he was NBA at 18. But he just, I mean, it's also just because I don't, I didn't want the Celtics to win. So he was like awesome for them. But I also just don't... I just can't stand... They just get this free pass on the super team thing. Yeah. They just did it first, really.

Which is fine. I don't care, but let's call it like it is. But, God. That would be very funny if he was like, shit, sorry. Call up an Adidas exec or talk to his agent. You had a plan! I was close. I was fucking euphoric.

I forgot. You know? I was the drunkest I'd ever been. I hadn't had a drink yet. Right. It was just fucking like I couldn't think. What do you want me to do? It's a good thing you guys got that one.

Yeah. The Celtics. Because it would have been. That'd be like a Yankees-esque type of like drought too. You know what I mean? Where it's like. Oh. If it wasn't for that it would be like.

What? 86? 40 years. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, let's put this one to bed because it was terrible. Voicemails today are brought to you by Roman. We've been talking about these for a long time,

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right? And the most beautiful woman in the world approaches you. She walks up to you and she says, give me the best movie quote of all time. One that can pick me up. One that can, the movie quote that's going to convince me to go home with you. What is it?

Jesus Christ. I mean, that's a very hard question. to go home with you, what does it go? Jesus Christ. I mean, that's a very hard question. A movie quote that is going to sweep a girl off her feet and be like, we're going to go home and fuck? He kind of characterized it like that. Is it like romance, or is it like, we're going to go home and get down? I would think go home and get down.

I have the faintest idea. The first thing that came to mind was Van Wilder. Warring's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. I don't know why that popped in. That's a great philosophical quote. I don't know if that's going to make her fuck. I feel like if you're going for romance,

I feel like the first thing that popped into my head romantically is if you're a bird, I'm a bird. You go notebook with it. Oh, I say that all the time, but with different things. Like what? Like you'll say that to me? I'm hungry. What do you want?

Cheeseburger. Oh, okay. I got it, got it, got it. It plays. Yeah? Yeah, it plays big time. Okay. I think notebook really, that works for the hard strings.

If you're talking about like pound town, I don't know. I mean, that's, you got to about like pound town, I don't know. I mean, that's, you got to, uh, you got to, I mean, I don't know. That's hard.

I'm going to have to give that some thought like a movie. Cause I'm sure they're out there. I mean, if you look at some of these movies that are like, I just be like, quack, quack, quack,

quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, or maybe it quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Or maybe it's not worth winning if you can't win big. What's that one from?

That's the Eagles do that. No. Oh. That's what the other team does. Oh, got it, got it, got it. I like the slow quack chant. Who's going to hit you with the quack? I mean, this is how I – it's a miracle I've ever been laid.

The first thing that popped into my mind was fucking Back to the Future. Roads? Where we're going, we don't need any roads. It's like, where are we going? I'm going to rape and kill you. Are we going to get – are you raping me in an alley? I'm not interested. Thank you very much.

Wherever we're going, I hope that there's roads. I was going to say, in public, if you don't mind, forever. Like, roads, I'm going to take you deep into the woods. There's no Rhodes. The body will never be found. Next up. Hey, KFC, SuperproducerBC. So, listening to your most recent episode,

and you were talking about how, like, on your bucket list was for a girl to throw up. Yeah, that was a terrible one. What was that? Pause it. That was my most embarrassing. I said, it's on my bucket list to have a girl throw throw up while she blowed you. That was a terrible one. What was that? Pause it. That was my most embarrassing. I said, it's on my bucket list

to have a girl throw up on my dick. Yeah. And also, spoiler alert, that's already happened. Oh my God. Freshman year of college. Oh, she was drunk. I did her so dirty.

No, it was like, I like, you know when you're like, you like tell a girl to deep throw it, like, yeah, go deep now. I like did that while I was coming.

It was just a mean, rude thing to do, and it was a catastrophe. She played it off real cool, though. I knew what happened because it was dark. I couldn't see it, but I could feel it. And she just grabbed the blanket on the dorm bed and just kind of wiped it off and threw it on the ground.

It was just gone. She covered it up real well. Anyway, that was an embarrassing moment. Equally as embarrassing to explain it continue um one time i was looking up this guy this is the first time and i was like going hard and i i threw up a little bit and he was like didn't really pay attention didn't really say say anything. I kept going. He finished. I swallowed because spitters are quitters. And, like, I was kind of cleaning up. And he looks down and he goes, did you throw up in my dick?

And I was like, yeah, just a little bit. And I kind of tried to play it cool. And he was like, it kind of stung a little bit. But then I just, like, ignored it because it was so good. And I just want to say that I was thoroughly embarrassed when he brought it up. I was just going to try to dash and act like it didn't happen, and he could figure

it out the next morning. Bringing that up is tough. You can't bring it up. I didn't bring it up. Is that the end of the question? Do you have a question? Like in the light time. The light time. Yeah, he did call me back for a second time,

and I went over the second time, but there was no mishap or throwing up this time. So, I mean, it's doable, but apparently it stings. I don't know what that means. If you're still going to check it off your bucket list, you guys have a good day. Today's episode was wild. Oh don't know what that means. Going in? You guys have a good day. Today's episode was wild. Oh, I see what she means.

And I actually, because my question was going to be, I do understand how it could sting. You're talking about going in, like getting in your dick? Yeah, it would probably go in the tip. It's a bacteria going in the tip of your dick. I'm sure that really sucks. And my actual question was going to be, like, if you were throwing up on someone's dick, would you then have sex with them? Because I feel like that's not something you want. You want it inside you.

Yeah, I mean, Cardi B will tell you you can't even eat wings and then have sex. Oh, right, right. Cardi's logic on that, she did a video after WAP saying two things. That one, girls, like, what was it? It was like, you know, it hurts when he fucks me it's like it's not because his dick is so big it's because like you have a bacterial infection and two that

you have to brush your teeth before you suck dick and i heard that i was like why and then she explained because like she's like y'all eating buffalo wings and then you suck somebody's dick and you're like gagging on it spitting on it and then he puts it inside you and then you got buffalo wings inside your pussy and i was like like, God damn, that makes sense. It makes perfect sense. The girls we were with that weekend were like, I don't think that's true. And I was like, disprove it. Tell me why. Because Cardi's making a lot of fucking sense right now.

Either way, though, I mean, it's not something you want to happen all the time. But like you said, it's just something where it's like, yeah, that would be cool. I thought I couldn't decide if it was stung or stunk because both would have been. Yeah, either way. I get both. Yeah. But listen, that's the game. You're going to get aggressive in bed.

Some things are going to sting. Some things are going to stink. That's just how it goes. Last voicemail. Let's do it. Hi, boys. How's it going? Hi, everyone. Questions that I've been thinking about since COVID started.

So I know, because I'm abundantly clear that guys love porn. Since quarantine though, my husband's been home with me pretty much 24-7. So I'm just wondering how desperate are you guys to watch porn? Is he doing it before the shower?

Is he doing it the second night? Is he at the house or anything? Girl, you are answering your own questions. Yeah, just the royal is he doing it the second night girl you are answering your own questions yes the royal yes an absolute blanket yes he's watching it when he takes a poop

he's watching it when if you don't get to watch it before you go to bed how do you go to sleep no because I can go to sleep in bed with a girl and not need to watch porn but like you're like missing your fix yeah like damn really wanted to watch lena paul tonight she's a good one good one she's a king uh dude one of my favorite fucking when we did the march madness bracket the porn bracket

and trent just quote tweeted it and just goes go on a run Lena and I was like that's perfectly like Iowa like Lena Paul a bit monster and I yeah big time they love a good old fashion I mean I feel like this is like Jurassic Park when Dr. Malcolm's life he's like life finds a way

like we will find a way to watch porn and the easy answer is just like yeah it's in the shower. He'll just bring the phone in with him. But I've said it before. I did the one volume stick where I'm listening and watching, listening and watching. We will, as soon as you leave the house. I can just go silent.

I can do anything, brother, but I want to hear. Sometimes, I mean, arguably the opposite. I don't need to watch. I just listen. A couple claps and flops and gags and shit yep yep that works better for me so uh yeah uh pretty much anytime he's alone or anytime you get like distance of like 20 feet away if you're in the other room he's probably like sneaking it you know what i mean you might just walk into the family room one day his dick's out. Who knows?

All right, let's get into our interviews. Who do you want to go with first? This is a fucking tough call. We'll go Jake first because he's promoting something. Ben's just hanging out. All right, let's get into it with Jake Johnson. He's promoting his new show, Hoops, on Netflix, which we didn't get a chance to watch before the interview.

We've since watched it now. No, let's be clear, too. It wasn't out, and we didn't get a screener watch before the interview. We've since watched it now. Let's be clear, too. It wasn't out, and we didn't get a screener. We weren't being lazy. It wasn't out, and we didn't get a screener. It was impossible for us to watch. And I wish we did, because as funny as the interview was,

had we seen the opening scene of this show, it's Brockmire-esque. If you remember when we were promoting Brockmire, season one, episode one, scene one, it's like, boom, you're hooked. It's that. Andake johnson in a way that i've never heard him no me neither because he's always done you know sitcoms and and and uh and uh like cbs type channels this is like f-bombs and he's always he's always like i mean he's in like he's in drastic part we spoke about earlier he's like but he's always the funny guy but like a little uh not really in the role where you can just fucking say this. Yeah, he's an angry basketball coach who's like, fuck this, fuck you.

That's a charge. Ah, you inbred pile of donkey shit. What did you say? You four-eyed fuck. Come on. That was a fucking block, and you know it in your heart. You know it was a block. Come on, man.

Are we really doing this again? These guys are a foot fucking taller than us, Jeremy. You gotta call it even on both sides, you prick. Ben, I do not want to tee you again. The game is basically over. Well, fuck you. It's not my fault that the hamster that you tied to a string and shoved up your ass chewed off the string and now you're standing there with a piece of string,

but the hamster's eating away at the inside of your asshole. Knock it off, Hopkins. Oh, fuck you, Greg. You're the one who probably shoved the hamster up there in the first place. You have gerbils up your asshole, like, or hamsters. Fuck you, Jeremy. You're probably the one who put the gerbil up his ass. It is really funny.

So we didn't really even get into all that in the interview because we hadn't seen it yet. But the rest of it, you know, we talk new girl. We talk about his relationship with Schmidt. I mean, he's just one of the best dudes we've ever met. We're talking about him building a house in fucking quarantine. Handy motherfucker. Jake is brought to you by SimpliSafe. Here's the thing about home security companies.

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It's two months where you can try it out. And if you don't feel safe, you get your money back. Nothing to lose. Simply safe.com slash KFC radio. So yeah, let's get into it. Jay Johnson.

There he is. What's up? What's up, my man? You rustic, scruffy son of a bitch in the, in the wood. What are you in a cabin or something?

You in a sauna? You know, I'm in my backyard and i built this fucking thing wow you know how i learned to build it youtube so you're working with like high powered machinery just straight off youtube yes i did construction when i was growing up but i was always low man on totem pole. And when quarantine happened, you know, I've been kicked out of my line of work since March. And after about a month of sitting around feeling retired,

I started going absolutely bonkers. So I got on YouTube and realized the internet can teach you anything. So I built this office. Holy shit, Jake. jake that's fucking nice dude are you fucking with me this is for real is the real story swear to god and my my idea of it was is i didn't have any help from anybody so the image of me roofing this this was comedic. I can imagine. Yeah. The amount of blunders was absolutely comedic, but I had the hours in the day. So today is the first day it's officially done. Now I'm not going to lie. There is an ants problem.

As we're talking, I've maybe been bit two or three times. We are going to go past that. We're going to live in the good. We're going to live in the good. We're going to live in the good. I feel like, you know, people did what you just described, except they were like, look, I built a little desk or, you know, a little like tchotchke. You built a house. You built a house, dude.

That's the bigger than my apartment. I built an 8 by 12, 8-foot-high structure with a slanted roof The lowest point is 6 feet The highest point is 8 feet That's fucking I was going to learn the ukulele I didn't even strum that thing once

You built a house Were you handy though To begin with I grew up doing construction My mother had junk shops growing up And my job was to always we would go to like flea markets and buy old furniture and then she and i would take them apart and rebuild them got what i was always you know as i said low man so my whole job in construction was i was on a crew where we were building sound studios in New York. All I did was the, you know, insulation. So any job that nobody wanted to do.

I was going to say, the worst, right? That's the stuff that, I mean, I remember as a kid being told that'll give you cancer and make you scratch your skin off. I was covered from ankles to ears in plastic and Vaseline on the skin. But that's all I ever did. So this was the first job where I thought like, all right, there's nobody else as well as it's hidden in like the back corner of my yard. So I always knew if it's a disaster, then it's just a pile of weird wood. And at any point I knew I could quit. Like nobody was counting on it.

It's not like like I'm like, this is a home for my sick family member. No. It's just an aunt's den that I'm doing press on. Did you feel accomplished afterwards? Did you feel like a man? You know, I have felt for a long time, the cowardice I felt about doing the roof and doing the rafters and the bird's mouth cuts. I don't even know what the fuck that means, Johnson.

Was that taught to you on YouTube? You just dropped a bird's mouth cuts on us? I'm so sorry, guys. Let me dumb it down for you. But there's like certain moves that I had to do that. I didn't realize at a, at a 42 year old father, how much, how the fear of God would enter my body about being on a roof and like using a hand screw and putting something into wood. But I would be up there and I would give myself so many self talks of like, stop being a chicken shit.

And then I would, my hand would be like, stop being a chicken shit. And then out my hand would be like, oh God, I'm an actor. I'm an actor. Once this is finished, this is the most proud place I am of my whole. I'm like, all right. I'm still here. I'm still here. I'm sure you've got a beautiful mansion over in the yard.

I would live in that thing if I were you you that'd be like my economics as a man talk to my business manager i uh i am not handy at all and i blame my father because he is exceptionally handy my my dad could have built what you built he built uh when we were kids he built us a tree house that was more just like a freestanding it had electricity the whole nine but i can remember when we were growing up he would be uh i remember i called it the damn hammer that's what i thought a hammer was called a damn hammer because my dad would always be like get the damn hammer but so that was always that's really true swear to scripts from a sitcom i said to my mom here's the damn hammer and she was like tim we got to clean it up a little bit but i remember when we would be like come on son we're

gonna go build some shit i would be messing up and screwing up and he'd be like just give it to me let me do it and i would never learn so it's his fault. I'm just. I got to tell you on that. Cause I have two, six, I've had six year old twins and it's really hard to be patient when the kids fucking up. Because, you know, I would get help here and you're trying, you know, the right move. Like I know the move is I've got two little girls and i'm raising them to be handy i'm raising them to be gritty i'm raising them to just be two humans who can fight on planet earth so i go like honey do me a favor and grab me the nail then i'd go that's a screw you're like okay and i'll be like you have made my day significantly worse and then you have to like take a breath and go all right this is actually you are not my apprentice the 40 minutes that you have the energy to stay out here

i'm not building for these 40 minutes we're just hanging and kind of talking right that that take a breath is the worst because like yes it's the smart thing to do it's the right thing to do and all that but in that breath before you exhale you're just like i'm a fucking lunatic like i'm an actual insane person i had a funny moment yesterday when you say the damn hammer thing so i try to keep my language pretty good around my kids quarantine hasn't been the best for that but the only time that i guess i say like hell or whatever is if somebody gets hurt. Like if they fight with each other, I'll say like, what the hell happened? And I didn't realize it until yesterday.

We were in the kitchen. And if you look here, you see a bandaid. I had one of those weird finger cuts where all of a sudden I looked and there was blood all over here and I didn't know what happened. And I went like this and my daughter walked up and she was concerned and she just goes, daddy, what the hell happened? And I'm like, first of all, why? And then I realized, oh, whenever she's hurt and it seems serious. So for some reason I add in a hell, but I had to go like, that's not okay to say that how was the uh the you know pandemic homeschooling you know actor slash dad i mean everything it was a nightmare take away actor i have officially

since quarantine i am a stay-at-home dad and i'm not a teacher i respect what max is doing, how he's doing it for pay. He's an Instagram teacher. You know he teaches for five minutes, just gets that clip and gets it out. He uses the money he makes from Instagram and he hires a teacher. That businessman is always scheming. When we had Max on, we asked him a question and he didn't skip a beat now i have uh not super strong takes on this actually because i i've i've waned with my opinion i used to firmly believe that nick should end up with reagan and in my current rewatches i just i rewatched new girl non-stop you guys do you, did you know when you were filming it,

like you were going to be on the Pantheon of sitcoms? Like once it hit Netflix, I feel like it really, really took off. It's whenever I tweet about Nick Miller, I, it goes viral almost every time. That's really, you know, I'll be honest with you. I think we, first of all, no, we didn't. You know, the difference with new girl, which was frustrating was I think we all knew we had somewhat of a dream team. You know, I think we had a great cast on that and we had a killer crew. And Liz Merriweather as a showrunner is a monster creatively.

And we had some killer writers. We were not a show that was widely loved while we were on. So the first season we got a lot of attention and people liked it and we had a moment of like oh we could be one of those shows but by season three and season four it was more when i would go out people would go you still doing that show and i'm like yes asshole it's on tonight so it's forming a second life, but more, I think New Girl has always been niche. I think there's a group of people who love it and to them it's huge, but there's still a huge population who have never heard of it and never

will. And I mean, I guess that's more the, how everything is really fragmented, but New Girl has always been in my opinion, very loud in a very small group. I think, I think you're underselling it now. I think that group has grown exponentially with everything. When it gets on streaming, it gets that second push. I don't know why I watched it. I watched the premiere, and I wasn't really...

I don't know why I watched your stupid fucking show. No, it was like I wasn't really... What's that? With New Girl, it's the only thing i've ever done where and i'm not saying you did this nick but people for that movie men especially dudes would always have to say my girlfriend made me watch this fucking show but here's what i will say and i'll go i don't need the first half i'm in it i like it yeah but it was like i wasn't a big like uh i hadn't really watched many like network sitcoms in a while but for some reason like that just grabbed me and i i loved it episode one i

would tweet about almost every night i'd be like this show is unbelievably funny trust me give it a shot and everyone who watched it loved it and then now that it's on streaming i think i think everyone like literally i tweet about it all the time and like every like, every time I bring up Nick, it's like – I said you're a top five – Nick Miller is a top five sitcom character of all time, and I firmly believe that. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. Nick, I'm a TV guy, so growing up, I cared more about TV than movies. Being on a sitcom that meant something was always kind of the main goal.

For me, it was Cheers. It was Roseanne. It was Taxi. It was a certain type of American sitcom that we watched growing up and my whole family liked. And I wanted to be on that. New Girl, playing Nick in the moment of New Girl, he never felt like a character that anybody outside of the inner circle cared about.

You know what I mean by that is I could do Nick and improvise my ass off and make Max and Zoe and Damon laugh, but Nick wasn't the character of New Girl. It was there's Zoe and then Schmidt was the breakout. And then, you know, Nick and Winston started getting their wings as the show went on. Really? I think so.

See, I was right away. Nick was my guy. Nick, I think Nick, I find Nick to be an exceptionally relatable character, which probably says bad things for me. But like everything about him, I'm like, oh, this guy, this is hilarious. This is exactly how my brain works. This is perfect. I never thought that.

I never felt like Nick was a secondary character. I would be interested to hear what your Castmates would say about that Because I think You're just being humble because of your character I think he is I think he's the guy Well I'll put it like this

Neither Nick or Winston was ever nominated For anything Well neither was always Sonny We always say that every year Never been nominated for a thing. Nothing. Not a thing. Isn't that wild?

It's insane. It's ridiculous. Year 15. And then, like, this year, little Dickie Dave gets nominated for nothing. Is that true? I don't believe. I don't. No, I don't.

I'll be honest with you. I was saying that more just to try to create an argument for the sake of bullshit. I've never given a shit about the awards. I've never watched them before I was in this business in post. But that's shocking about It's Always Sunny. I worked with Rob on Mythic Quest this year.

That was a great show, but your episode was my favorite episode. It was unbelievable. It was so deep and so different and like a departure from the rest of that episode for the rest of that season but i mean that was some shit you guys did some acting and i gotta give rob a lot of credit i i never knew rob so here's the truth of me doing that episode they shot it's always sunny on the lot near us at new Girl and New Girl did insane hours. So we were doing 12 hour days,

five days a week to make 22 minutes of an improvised show and, or not fully improvised, but a bit show. And they were rapping at lunch every day. So my big thing while I was on New Girl was I really wanted to make it one of those shows that we were the fun show but what happened was we were all burning out cast crew writers everybody liz so my whole thing was how do we do a seven hour day do basic coverage so that we are like it's always sunny because if so we can maybe be on for 10 years because there is an energy that maybe we could keep this monster going. And so I always wanted to experience working with Rob or Charlie or Glenn. And then this Mythic Quest came along and Rob was directing it. And I thought, great.

I finally get to see how Rob moves and how fast he goes. And I told my wife, I left the first morning and I was leaving at like 6 a.m. And she goes, when do you expect to be home? And I'm like, with Rob fucking directing, I'll be home at noon. Yeah, right, right. We get there and it's going kind of slow. And I go to Rob at like 10 a.m.

when we're like still on the first scene. I'm like, my God, always sunny Rob. What's going on here, Big Daddy? What are you thinking? And he goes, yeah, I'm really excited to shoot this one differently than I've ever done, especially this episode. It's going to here big daddy what are you thinking and he goes yeah i'm really excited to shoot this one differently than i've ever done especially this episode it's going to be a movie and the voice in my head literally out loud to myself it just said you fucking dummy you always lose i just had to lean in and then he goes not only that but we're going to shoot out in long

beach so i'm like oh long, Long Beach for 410. So I got some shady hotel room nearby in Oconto Lodge. And I'm like, oh, fuck it. But I'm glad I did it because he's a monster talent. I'm proud of being part of that. Hey, it came out incredible. It is like a little movie. I mean, it's deep shit.

Rob's a creative monster. I didn't know that about him. I haven't watched Sonny as religiously as others. I've checked it out for the bits, and I think it's funny, but working with him on that, he's got a very clear vision, and I'm like, alright, this dude will be, like, he's the real deal. I never realized how much he

had to do with, I knew he was a creator of Sonny, I know, you know, the whole story about, like, the first episode cost 200 bucks to shoot, and all that stuff, but I didn't realize, I think he was on Marc Maron's podcast and i listened to it and i didn't realize he does everything like he's the showrunner of sunny which i didn't even know what a showrunner was until he explained it but he's like the showrunner the writer producer like he does all of it he's also he's mostly also the studio he's a super smart guy like he he's playing the game like when i

first started working with Joe Swanberg, I loved working with him so much because we were doing indies and we were self-financing them. And he was viewing the game differently and talking to Rob. Rob's doing that, but he's doing that with major networks. And he's sitting at the table with network heads as a writer, as a show runner, as an actor, as a director, as essentially the studio at times. It's really impressive and it's not really talked about. I had no idea. Again, not a single nomination.

And I'm showing up on his set and I'm not even fully memorized. I'm like, dude, we both have a lot on our plate. And last night I could have done my homework more, but I was like, dude, we both have a lot on our plate. You're doing okay. And last night, I could have done my homework more, but I was watching TV. Have you seen Listing Impossible? Because that's what I do. And he's super hot, too, which also isn't fair. It's so annoying.

When he got ripped, that was so annoying. Gentlemen, I don't care to talk about his attractive appeal. That's not why I'm on this show. It's almost exclusive what we do on this show. You guys talk about unks. The new show, you know, totally different creative experience doing the animation. Which, is that something you've done before? I feel like you've got a great voice for it if you haven't done it.

I played Peter Parker in Spider-Verse. Oh, right, of course. So I've done that. I did like little bits here and there i did a show called alan gregory with jonah hill uh eight seven eight years ago i love animation and i don't love it for the obvious reasons where it's quote unquote easier yeah i love it because i there's a lot about acting i really don't like and a lot of it has to do with like i don't like going through hair and makeup through quarantine i realized i'm gonna try to never do a photo shoot again and i don't like there's a whole part of acting where we have to be like

actors slash ugly models like you know we have to stand and have somebody go like more energy. And I'm going, some actors can do it and Mark Ruffalo can do it. And he's cool. I don't ever want to do it again. I don't like it. So voiceover cuts that out. And all you're doing is going into a booth. You have the material, the other actors standing opposite you, they dim the lights. So it's you in a little spot, them in a spot and you get to perform. And so I love that aspect about it. And that's what pulled me into wanting to do hoops and wanting to produce was really for me because this is ben hoffman's vision more than anything i wanted to have a big say in how we did it in terms of recording alone or recording with other

others and i wanted to have a big say in casting so you were you were uh because i know a lot of them sometimes you're alone you're not with the other uh i tried to do it with people as much as we could there are just times we're scheduling it couldn't work but all the main cast i did at least the first few episodes for us to find the tone we would do it together i uh and so the, the, the premise here is like kind of a grizzled high school basketball coach looking to make it big. And yeah, it's bad news. Bears meets Curb Your Enthusiasm.

That's a really hard R. What a sell. You know, that's, that's what I've kind of, that's kind of how would I feel like at its core? Like Ben Hoffman's sense of humor is he takes little moments and keeps heightening and heightening and heightening and heightening.

And I think that's where his funny really comes from, which is curb-esque. And then the Bad News Bears is obviously I'm the coach of a team of losers, and I really want to be a winner, but I'm just not a winner. So, you know, it's a really loud show. It's really R-rated. really loud show it's really r-rated um but i think it's really funny and it's quote-unquote offensive i think that'll be the soft backlash until people watch it but i don't think it's offensive to any specific group i think it's just loud and so some people i don't think will like it by the nature of it

and that's fine what i tell those people is you have so many other things to watch. If you don't like it. You're kind of already bracing for a bit of a, of like a backlash. Hopefully not. But in 2020, you just, everybody is so divided and so opinionated and the whole core of this show, the only reason I wanted to do it was I just feel like it'd be nice to do something that is not smart, not deep, has no message, and is just for bits. You know, Ben and I, when we were first talking about it, we were both in the comedy scene when we were first coming

up. And five, six, nine a week, I'd be on a different stage doing improv. And all you were thinking of doing is entertaining the people on stage and then being funny backstage with the other performers. And it was all bits for bits sake. And I don't necessarily want every project to be a message or a statement or to have depth to it. I like that some projects do, but I do think entertainment can unify and say, you don't need to know my politics. You don't need to know where I stand on this. You are allowed to vote for somebody who I detest, and I'm allowed to vote for somebody who you detest. And we can both think this moment is funny, and maybe we can see it as funny together.

Preach, man. That's what I'm hoping. It's crazy that that needs to be considered like a profound statement, but it really is. And it's something that everybody has lost sight of. And I commend you for even trying to do it. Unfortunately, I don't know if it's even like achievable, attainable because the world is so. But here's what I hope. There will be people who hate this show from the hope. There will be people who hate this show from the left. There will be people who hate

this show from the right. That's when you know you did something right. What I'm hoping for is there's a lot of people in the middle who go, yeah, Hoops is really stupid. It's not a great show. They're right. There's a lot of dick jokes. There's a lot of vagina jokes.

There's a lot of every joke by every a lot of vagina jokes there's a lot of every joke by every gender and every race and what we're hoping for is people go yeah i smoked a joint it was kind of funny yeah i liked it i don't have any deep thoughts about it it was funny i i love how you like said it like that where it's just like i feel i do feel like everyone who's kind of coming up now as far as like comedy or comedians or podcasters, like, everything has to have that, like, deep moment, that statement they're making where it's like, no, man, we're just fucking joking about dicks. That's it. You're right. It's sophomoric and it's stupid, but it's making me laugh today.

So what we really tried to do, and I don't know if we pulled it off, but we tried to not offend any specific group. And what we tried to do is if we were going too hard at one thing to make sure that the other group got it equally. So the big thing that I wanted to do in this was casting. So everybody we cast is a gunner. There's no weak link. There's nobody we cast because their name would help sell it. Meaning if it's me and Riggle and I'm going hard at Riggle, well, Riggle's coming hard at me.

Cleo King, who plays the principal, the reason we cast her was because she did New Girl and she used to kill Nick. So we would go back. She did the one where she was the cop and Nick was lying. In all time scene. In all time scene. So that's Cleo King. And so while we were doing this and Ben was lying. In all time scenes. In all time scenes. That's Cleo King. And so while we were doing this

and Ben was saying, I want a principal. She's got to be really tough. I'm like, I've got the person. It's Cleo. And as long as we can improvise together, so we would go in the booth and we would say, you know, Cleo King, what she likes to do is she calls it letting it rip. So she'd be like, let me

make this clear. Am I allowed to let it rip? And I'd be like, yeah. And then she'd be like, you motherfucker. And just comedy. And so for that, it was really fun to do. And, you know, I truly hope people get a lot of laughs out of this show. Cause that's the whole point of it. This is just have a beer, watch a show. Hopefully you laugh. You mentioned improv a couple times now. Did you get on Middle Ditch and Swartz?

What is Middle Ditch? Did I get on their show or did I watch it? No, did you watch it? Are you a fan of it? I know Ben will. It's incredible. I mean, obviously, you would probably fit right in perfectly with them, but you gotta get it right. I improvised. So Ben used to do a show called Snowpants or something like that.

And years ago, season one of New Girl years ago, I did his show and Thomas was in it. And those two dudes were murdering at such a level that, you know, when you're on stage and you do a scene and there's laughs. And then another person comes in and then there's another level of laughs. I was like, oh, Thomas. And I didn't know who he was yet. It was before his HBO show. But I was like, oh, this dude's a murderer.

And then he and Ben together. I was like, oh, so I haven't seen the show, but I know that those two are doing it I was not shocked that it's successful I'd never seen we interviewed Ben for um he was promoting Sonic like before the pandemic and uh and he was telling us about Middle Eastern Schwartz he's telling about I was gonna come out and I told him I'd never seen improv never once in my life no I hadn't and he was like good he's like don't watch don't ever go see it i want the first your first experience to be like i want i want to see what it's like if your first experience

is our show and it was it was unbelievable i i very much enjoyed it ben is a comedic killer he's he's unbelievable we've actually like become fairly friendly with him like he's been on the show probably three times since then he just like wakes up in la and he's like let's do a zoom and uh he eats his cereal during it's wild um but he was like just getting to know him a little bit it's like oh yeah you are i could i kind of just thought of as john ralphia which i feel like it's probably a whole actor's fallen where you just get kind of it's not typecast but just people imagine you as such a character and i'd always just thought of as kind of like the crazy zany guy and the stuff i've seen from him recently is just it's other he actually for the i believe this is accurate but for the pilot of new girl

when we had formed our cast before you shoot it you have to do one last table read in front of the network before they fully release the money. And we had not figured out who coach was yet. And I believe Ben Hoffman, I mean, Ben Schwartz came in and read that part. No shit. Just as a favor to like, make sure it got financed. I know Ben did one of those early on. And I think it was that one. Very cool. Well, listen, the way you speak about everybody else being a comedic killer and being talented, you're on that list too bud you are you are it sounds like you're too humble to ever admit it but uh rest assured you are right there on that list as well so i remember when i did like one of my nick miller tweets and someone replied like that's the greatest physical actor of our

generation and i was like you know what i think he's right it was i think i honestly think it was a reply to the scene um where you were lying and you said by the way uh on that real quick do frogs really die if you feed them was it cereal that felt like a personal like anecdote you threw it like a lot of i will say a lot of those improvs were either alts or just improvised but one that i know that you know people will ask like how similar are you to nick miller and the truth is like i am and i'm not with every character i play i look like him i sound like him and when i'm allowed to improvise it's the bullshit that comes out of my own brain but a lot of it is not you know it's it's bullshit but one improv i did is nick that has come back to life that i keep hearing is i'm not convinced i know how to read i've just memorized a lot of words

and the reason i know that to be true is in my saddest deepest moments i still i'm not sure i know how to read and it's really come back again with trying to teach my kids because they're, you know, entering first grade. So we'll like, look at words and I'll go like, and I really know, I don't know how to read because I can't sound out words I've never heard. So if I've never heard a word, like let's say armadillo, right? Let's say I'd never heard it and I've seen it live. A normal person is going to say like armad dillo mine might be aminadillica

i'm like that has to be because i don't fundamentally know how to fucking read so i don't think i know how to read but i think i have an insanely good memory of words that that explanation kind of sounds like me in water. I'm not convinced I know how to swim. I just think I cannot die in water. That's exactly right. There's a difference. Knowing how to swim means something. So if you can stay, if you can

tread water and move around in water, it's not swimming. I'm not officially reading. I'll sit and I'll read a book. I'm reading Vonnegut right now, Hocus Pocus. I'm not officially reading. So I'll sit and I'll read a book, right? Like I'm reading Vonnegut right now, Hocus Pocus. I'm not really reading it. I'm just saying all the words I've memorized together

and then trying to find meaning to them. That is unbelievable. Unbelievable, man. All right. Well, so the new show is Hoops on Netflix. The cast is great. Oh, we're about to talk to Natasha, like right after this. Anything we should drop on her? Any little tidbits or jokes you got for us? back to the thing, the wife character, the ex-wife, if you don't get a comedic killer who can just improvise in the booth, that's a boring character who's kind of

a victim to coach's tyrant behavior. The beauty of someone like Natasha is even if the scene wasn't written well, she's going to improvise and make it funny. And if we're in the booth together, it was one of those parts, once she said yes, we knew we didn't have to worry about that character because we knew it was going to be funny uh the show is hoops it's on netflix

comes out august 21st uh so everybody go watch it and thanks as always for the time by the way before you go we gotta ask you one quick question that we asked max asked max and he didn't skip a beat on his response i'm wondering what yours is who should nick have ended up with i think he would end up with jess yeah i think so too i i had this vision of reagan and then i'm re-watching it i'm like actually that their relationship wasn't that good i thought for some reason i thought it was great but it wasn't well what i think will happen in that era was um it was really fun in that show to have all new energy right you know because i remember before she came in, Fred Armis, it was Zoe was gone because she was having a baby.

So there was a bunch of episodes where you realize when you take a cast and you take out the lead character and replace it. It was a really trippy experience where you're like, well, it just changes everything. It was different. Yeah. Yeah. Because I never thought of new girl as even having a lead i thought it as i found it very sunny-esque which i guess what you wanted where like everyone was incredibly important there wasn't one character who was like the star but everyone was the star from the inside it was it felt very different for us for us for us doing it we were on zoe's show and then as it got going it became all of our shows, but it was, I mean, it was called new girls. So for us in it, we knew what the,

like when the network wanted to really promote it, they put like, Zoe's the one. And I really don't think she has gotten enough credit for that show. It was her face across the country. She lifted that show up. The reason everybody watched that pilot and gave this show a chance is her so eventually everybody else shined but max lamar and myself hannah you know without zoe carrying the weight that first six episodes were canceled yeah that's true um but so inside i think we all fundamentally and we all had to audition

for zoe and zoe had to say yes to all of us really sure we did i did a chemistry with zoe where i was essentially auditioning for zoe we did the scenes from the pilot where she and i have chemistry and then she and i texted and she's we were we're both kind of like she's like i hope let's make this happen and i'm like thank you man that's my boss right there thank god she did it so uh great stuff man thanks as always and uh good luck catch you later bud uh all right so that's jake him not being able to read is so fucking funny so funny and like also so genuine yeah get it yeah it makes it makes sense i see what you mean when he said armadicko armadipico i was like i was like bro where are you getting right he's in season yeah yeah but he's he's like so funny that like that's how you would that's how your brain

would fuck it up yeah all right ben schwartz now uh ben is he's the king of the impromptu interview he just tweets us send a zoom let's do it. And he's my favorite interview because of that reason. I think Ben's our friend. Well, at the end of this interview, I said, dude, you're our favorite celebrity. He was like, don't ever fucking call me that again. So I feel like if Ben ever comes back to Riverdale, he's in the city, I feel like we could hang out and he would enjoy it. I think so, too.

Ben is brought to you by Miller Lite. So when we do finally sit down with Ben, because we're friends, I'm going to say, Ben, what do you want? And Ben's going to say, give me a cold Miller Lite because Ben has good taste.

Ben is a successful man. Ben is a creative man. Ben has, uh, he's got his head on right. And he knows how to share a beer with the guys, have some laughs. And he knows that the number one beer,

the only drink you can pick when you're doing a night like that is Miller light. The original beer. That's great. Taste less filling for you and the guys, you and the girls, you and your family, you and your friends,

uh, or you just buy yourself to kick back and have a good night. I know our buddy Carl had to drink like a thousand of them because of what was that? Was that a, that was the Red Sox, White Sox Cubs bet. And he had to what,

like, was he doing like the nine, nine, nine challenge? Cause they lost or something. No. And for every single run and every, every single run,

the White Sox got, he had to eat a hot dog and drink a beer. Why? And they put up 10. Holy moly. But it is great. Taste less filling. So you should go out there and enjoy them responsibly but even our guy carl uh you know he he as as as horrible of a sentence as that is he also probably had to enjoy himself sipping on some nice cold miller lights while watching a baseball game even when it's bad even when you lose the bet

even when your team is losing miller Lite can make that an enjoyable time. It's great taste with only 96 calories and 3.2 carbs. However, you and your friends want to enjoy Miller Lite this summer, whether you're doing it at the bar, socially distanced, whether you're getting delivered to your house, drinking at home, doing it over Zoom. That's the original beer. You can get it delivered by going to MillerLite.com slash KFC. That's MillerLite.com slash KFC to find the delivery options near you.

Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewery Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Ben Schwartz, what up? Benjamin. Whoa, baby. There he is. Happy birthday to the mess. Happy birthday to the mess.

Happy birthday to the mess. Happy birthday to the goddamn mess. Happy birthday to the mess. Wow. By the way, a day early, I just got my Krusty Burger hat, guys. I'm really looking to show it off. That's awesome. If this was yesterday, Ben would have been like, fuck off.

We're not doing a Zoom. How are you doing, bud? I'm good, guys. How are you? How is everything? The impromptu Ben Schwartz Zoom is one of my favorite things in media right now. I love it. You give me a reason to Zoom.

John, happy birthday my friend thank you very much man that means a lot that's great uh you look more groomed you look put together i like your stash i like yeah i got a haircut wearing a mask i got the whole thing you know what sucks about the stash is i i have wax and i want to wax it up and look like you know like a 1970s villain and but but the mask situation. So when you put a mask on it, you ruin your face. Okay, so you can do it when you're at home and groom it and then

it's amazing, but in real life, you don't get to show it off. Right. Well, when he's showing off now, he loves this bandana around the neck. I was going to say, this is a birthday boy bandana if I've ever seen it in my goddamn life. That is a birthday boy bandana if I've ever seen it in my goddamn life. That is a birthday boy bandana. He's about to rob a small saloon, and he's about to get up on his horse and figure it out.

This bandana is how I like to play everything, too. It's both Bloods and Crips. So, anyone tries to say something, I'm like, go on. You're on everybody's side. You're the ultimate politician right now. What do you have to report, John? What are you going to do? How old are you?

Can I take a guess? Sure. Here we go. Here we go. This one should be a little easier. I bet you're 33 years old. Close. Real close.

31. Right in between. 32. This doesn't work. This doesn't work. I want it to work so badly, but it doesn't work. This doesn't work. I want it to work so badly, but it doesn't work. You know what I mean?

Maybe it does. What's been up with you, man? I don't know, guys. We're all trying our best. Are you able to do, are you doing any work at all? Is there anything you can do? I'm writing. I'm writing a script. I owe a script.

I sold this Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell and I are going to be in a movie, which is very exciting. So I'm writing that now now which has been exciting but uh even in quarantine the the part of what happened you guys were gonna write something and then you i like sent you an email and then you guys gave up yeah it was basically like once you were like it's a pretty good idea we're like all right we're done we nailed it we got our seal of approval i I was excited for you guys. It's not, it's not,

we're going to do it. It's just, there's, we, I think we started doing it. Like we started talking about it, right? Wait a minute.

Wardrobe. John, I'm sorry. New lid. Wow. That is what I thought you said. Is that Selma? Like,

um, this is Selma. No, no, selva that that hat is a fucking all-timer right there holy shit let me ask you a real question though because like you said we are we do want to write this thing when you write something um and do you have like 50 other projects going or do you have to like zero in on one project because we we do like so much shit that I feel like if I want to do this, I want to do it right. But I also, it's just not realistic. We have a podcast, a radio show, a video show, an app, like, you know, Oh, I do a bunch of stuff at the same time, but when I'm writing it's, I, you do a bunch of stuff at the same time but when i'm writing it's i you need a bunch of hours in the day to dedicate to it you do but you can do a couple things at the same time although

it makes you i remember i was filming something and writing a movie uh in my trailer and on my off days and i got like very sick i got like because you're not you're not stopping you're like never sleeping or stuff like that. Right, right, right. Yeah. So you set aside like, like you, like, you're like, all right, tomorrow noon to four I'm writing. Well, I'm not that good. People do do that. What I do is when I have a deadline, I'm, I'm really good because I have a little bit of OCD. So I like to finish things by when they want to be finished. Right.

So, but when it's like, um, this is so open-ended, like when I finished the movie, who knows if it's even going to get filmed, A. But B, also, who knows when anything's going to get filmed yet. Right. Things are slowly coming back. I've been asked to do one or two things that film, and I was just too afraid.

I was just not quite ready to be in part of a crew yet. Although maybe if the circumstance was right. Are you afraid of getting sick, or are you afraid of getting yelled at? Like for being in public kind of deal. Getting yelled at by people because I'm doing it? Yeah, like people on Twitter. I'm afraid of getting sick.

See, I'm way more scared of people. Like don't get me wrong. I know Corona is not good and all that stuff. I do all the proper precautions, but like people scare me a lot more. Just an endless barrage of people yelling at me. I'd rather have a dry cough. You know what that says? That says so much. It's like potentially die. No big deal. Get shamed. I ain't doing it.

There was a funny line where like when you, sometimes you have agents and managers and so I have managers and something came along and I was like, man, I just don't think this is what I risk it for. You know what I mean? This project. And they're like, you shouldn't risk it for anything. What are you talking about? And I was like, yeah, you're right.

What am I even saying? But I'm afraid I get it. We've been very safe. Because Los Angeles is really not doing great. So I've been very, very safe whenever I can. So I was like, oh, being around a bunch of people um it's all I want to do yesterday I was going by somebody and I got to like fist pound somebody and it felt so good and it was the first time I like connected with uh someone in so long that's not like you know

uh someone I'm in a relationship with that's so long that I was like oh man I missed just that like connection um and so it I mean I immediately went because it was coming I didn't and I couldn't say no I couldn't I'm from New York you can't say no to a fist bump it's like so so I like did it and I was like oh my god it's the first time I've like had contact with anybody in whatever but then immediately in my car because someone did it through the window i was like um but yeah i'm i am very ready to act and like do live shows but it's just not i don't think it's time yet i think we gotta wait till whatever you guys got the um the uh the merch going for middle you guys got sick merch for middles and swartz speaking of life yeah and we we uh because we have these guys that uh aaron hansen has this company aaron hansen who does game grumps has this company that does like merchandise and uh but we always

thought that like the fans you guys must have the same thing the fans our fans are so smart and talented way more talented than we are and so they're like do these fan drugs so we'll basically be like hey we'll pay you money we'll give you money for what you've already done and we'll use it and uh then they get their art kind of like put all over the place and we put their name on it somewhere and on the website. So that one poster, one fan art poster that had like every, every character from middle digit swords improvs was fucking awesome.

It's crazy. It's crazy. I feel like any like a chatter from Netflix about, you know, zero there's nothing positive yet. So we'll see. I wonder, I wonder what happened also, you know, even if we got greenlit, we couldn't do it for, I think our next shows are slated for like next year, April.

Jesus. And I was so excited to see after I was so excited to see after the specials, if like more people came to shows or we can go to different scenes or maybe go to Europe or something. But now I don't. I think we'll just wait. Abel's a long time, but at least you got that Sonic. I called that, by the way. You did. Good for me. You did. You have the theater, right? I said in our first interview i was like this is

a franchise i like i i saw like the pre-screen or whatever and i walked out i was like that's one thousand and i'm sure you guys knew that while filming it too like this is probably gonna be a massive well no because remember when that first trailer came out everybody was like burning us so like what a story what an unbelievable story to go from like you know shamed on the internet to like a fucking massive hit and green light the sequel and everything it's very exciting i know that they're developing the sequel now i don't know what's happening with that um i'm assuming i'm coming back nobody's told me i'm that'll be exciting too also when does that film i have no i have no idea about anything well let's get back to john it's a big birthday tomorrow, John. You said 32. How are you celebrating?

We're going to my parents' house and we're just going to hang out there. Who is we? Kevin's coming. My girlfriend's going to come. That's so cute. Get away for the boys. The boys and John's girlfriend. That'll make

a really cool third wheel. Entire family and then Kevin. And then where's your some other friends live uh they live in uh westport massachusetts is that uh one of the is that one of the waters near water it's yes it's on the water oh heaven heaven yeah it's gonna be i'm very very excited probably gonna drink a little too much um and then we got the Bruins on. I know you're a big hockey guy, Ben. You talk about it. I'm a huge hockey guy.

What was it in middle-difference sports when you guys were doing the sports stuff? Don't do hockey. Oh, I don't know anything. I know stuff about the 1994 or 1992 Rangers. I can tell you that because someone at that time, I was very into a girl in my, what grade would it have been? Like eighth grade,

ninth grade or something like that? No, maybe a little bit more. Whenever it was Messi, Leach, Richter, like that era, when they won, when they won the Stanley Cup. When they won the Cup, yeah.

The girl that I liked loved the Rangers. So I was like, I got to figure this out. And I watched like a couple games and loved it. And then I never thought loved the Rangers. So I was like, I got to figure this out. And I watched like a couple games and loved it. And then I never thought about it again. I was a 94 Rangers fan. I was a fan of the Rangers from,

because like my dad's friend who was cool was from New York. And I was like Rangers. So I liked, you know, I wanted to be like him. And then the Rangers won the cup in 94. And I like celebrated. I was going nuts. And the next morning the cup in 94, and I, like, celebrated. I was going nuts. And the next morning, my dad threw out all my Rangers stuff.

And he's like, you're a Bruin. I mean, how great is that? But, Ben, what if you have a kid one day, and he's, like, a Celtics fan all of a sudden or a Bulls fan or something, putting up shit on the walls? Are you not tearing that down? It would be allowed in the room. It would be allowed in the gentleman's room,

but not allowed out of the room. That room he can do whatever he wants, and then outside of the room I'd be a little bit more like, uh. But I thought that – I think it would be fun to, like, then watch the games and have some rivalry within your house. I know a couple guys who root against Their father on purpose Which says a lot about your childhood Yeah I think you got a weird relationship with your dad

If you're like I'm gonna root against you Motherfucker Well Don talked about like his uncle liked the Rangers So he liked the Rangers or whatever it is You know what I mean like a family I wonder how much of our lives are shaped by The people we look up to liking something So we're like I'm gonna like that too

And then almost force ourselves to like it And we just stick with it for life or like you said girls girls make you do weird shit yeah by the way especially when you're young and like in high school and college and like you're like oh this girl loves uh howie day i'm gonna check out a howie i was trying to think of the most i was trying to think of howie day performed Union College, which is the college I went to. You went to Union? I did, yeah, in upstate New York. I had a lot of friends go to Union. Where did you go?

I went everywhere, Ben. I did not care for college, so I kept trying new ones, and then it just never stuck. What was the one that you stuck with? Give me the freaking tour. Give me your tour of colleges. I started at St. Michael's in Burlington, Vermont. Oh, by the wayicking tour. Give me your tour of colleges. I started at St. Michael's in Burlington,

Vermont. Oh, by the way, Vermont, love Burlington, Vermont. Beautiful town. Unbelievable.

I played baseball there and I got hurt. I couldn't play baseball anymore. What division is that school? Two, which is like actually worse than three. Cause it's so small. That's not true. I know it's better than three.

And by the way, Kevin, why do you never talk about that? You have an all-star athlete here? A baseball athlete? Is it your sport that you love Kevin Bates? He also did performance enhancing drugs, so whatever. Did he do creatine or did he do actual performance enhancing drugs? I did actual performance enhancing drugs.

And, like, it was like the catcher on the team. It was like a cream. It was like – I don on the team. It was like a cream. It was like, it was like, I don't think it actually did anything, but it was like, if you want to play in the big leagues, we got to do this. What does that mean? Did you inject, is it like the program? No, no, no, no. Did you guys spit each other's mouths and inject syringes or no?

No, I've, I've, I've, I've never done anything with needles that wasn't administered by a doctor. Tell me what a performance, I know nothing about it it so tell me what a performance enhancing drug is which one did you take um ativan it is for and this is true it is they the ativan wasn't the cream the ativan was a pill um but it is for um it was designed for uh patients with aids who were like weight loss so it was like to to pack on muscle let's pack on muscle so they wouldn't get too weak. Wow. Yeah. That's great, John.

You're stealing medication from AIDS patients. Awesome. It's not actually used for that anymore. It was like, it's almost like Viagra was supposed to be for your heart. And then they were like, oh, wait, that gets your dick hard. Is that true? Yeah. Yeah.

It was supposed to be for like. I love how much medical knowledge John has. Viagra was for blood circulation in the heart, and then they realized it pumped all the blood to the peep. Okay, so you started in Burlington, Vermont. What position were you? A center fielder. And then I –

What were you in the lineup before you got injured? What number? It was just spring ball. So, like, there was, like, lineups weren't centered or anything like that. I'm sorry, just ball. But then I went to i decided i didn't want to stay in vermont and not play sports so i went to florida state for two years but then there were stops in between there like i went to umass dartmouth which was just like a commuter school i went there for a bit then with the florida state then i went to providence college then went to n for a semester. And then when I was at NYU,

I like linked up with Barstool, New York and never went back. Never went to another class. So you went to NYU for what was the purpose of going to NYU, by the way, very beautiful, expensive schools, John, where would you, so when you went to NYU, was you like, okay, now I want to do. How many people in the world do you think NYU was like their fifth stop along the way? You might be the only person to ever do that. You must have a connection. There's no way you can go to all those schools and end up at the most prestigious one in New York. No, it wasn't. Okay, that one I wasn't enrolled in. I was just

taking classes there. You were just hanging out on someone's couch there for a bit. It wasn't like, I didn't like do an application. I just, I took like four creative writing classes there. I'm gonna, we're gonna play a game called Guess the Sport. I have a series of balls on my desk, which I didn't know I had, but now I'm looking. I'm going to show you a ball from not a normal sport, and you have to tell me what sport it's from. Okay. I've had this since college, this ball. Then it's Guess These Balls. Yeah. Can we have some sort of icon for you guys? Whoever does your editing does a great job. Let's

get the, let's call Guess These Ball balls. That's what it's called. All right. Here we go. First one. It's like a soft. Cricket's incorrect. Keep going. This helps.

Polo? No. It's got seams. It's something you'd throw. Hurling? That's correct. Yeah, baby! Why do you have a hurling?

The other ones are normal. Oh, I got one. You know like how every now and then, like in sports games, they'll throw like little balls or whatever and you're never the one that catches them? One time I caught a Clippers ball in my entire... I've been to many sports events,

usually in really, really terrible seats. And one time in my life, I caught a ball and it was how good is that rush it was incredible i caught a t-shirt once and i was like i'm king of the world unheard of unheard of i always thought when i was a kid they shoot the t-shirts of the people that work for the company they put them back in the machine i caught a t-shirt once at a monster truck show and like had to like fight off like monster truck. I was like seven. I was a kid. And I like, it was one of those, like you stood on the chair and then you jumped. And I just landed in the arms of like monster truck men.

And they were like, everyone's trying to get it out of me. And I was just like on the, on the floor and a ball fighting for my life to get the shirt. And I finally get home and open it. It's like a double XL. It was never underestimate grown men in the crowd trying to get a ball or a shirt or something for free they'll step on women and children they forget who they are it's terrible by the way uh yankee games anytime i went to yankee and the only way you can get a foul ball is if it comes right to your hands if it's anywhere to left and it hits the floor once it's like a hundred people dive and push an elbow and stuff like that it ain't worth it man no uh i don't want to take too much of your

time we always appreciate the uh guys what a happy birthday and congrats and by the way you wouldn't upgrade in the room john your last room was like your brother's painted uh i'm in i'm back in new york i'm in our studio oh are you allowed so you're allowed to just be in the studio yeah we're like limited capacity like you know some of the people who really do a lot of I'm back in New York. I'm in our studio. Oh, so you're allowed to just be in the studio? Yeah. We're limited capacity. Some of the people who really do a lot of recording and stuff are back. I'm still at home, obviously, right now, but I go in a couple days a week. It's like you can be...

You guys are going at the same time? Yeah. How often have you guys gotten tested? You're breaking up. When you say, Ben, you're breaking up when you say man you're breaking up the zoom connection is i have the antibodies i've been tested for the antibodies i have those so that means you've already had it you're probably giving it to kevin i tell you what you should get for your birthday john what you should get a surge protector look fucking behind you. It's insane. One surge protector. This is going to burn down soon.

It started so happy. It ends with Ben shaming us, which was my greatest fear, and then being like, you're breaking fire code, just so you know. Be safe. Happy birthday, John. I'm very happy that you guys are spending it together. That makes me very happy.

Thank you, bro. You are hands down our favorite celeb and we always appreciate the time. Don't ever call me a celeb. That feels terrible. Your favorite friend. You're, you're our best friend in the whole world.

Happy birthday. This is very exciting to hopefully when's your birthday. Oh, I can guess when your birthday is. Come on. It's October. No. All right, guys. right guys been breaking up the best

i've got some missions that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the life it's only like this is the soundtrack to my life the soundtrack to my life to my life to my life to my life

to my life to my life to my life to my life to my life to my life to my life to my life Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.