KFC Radio - Jake Johnson || Drake Receives Backlash After Posting in a Club With 11 Year Old, Lil King

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 01:15 Drake's in trouble for hanging with kids again 11:56 Tommy Smokes' bad Poor Things take 28:48 Jackie's Apple Charger conspiracy theory 48:54 Most memorable outfits from movies 01:00:24 Going to couples therapy on the first date 01:08:47 Someone who's relationship has changed your public perception of them? 01:17:57 Video Voicemails ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Peacock NBCU: ted is streaming now, only on https://PeacockTV.com Hello Fresh: Go to https://HelloFresh.com/kfcfree and use code kfcfree for FREE breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while subscription is active.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Last night I rolled over, I couldn't fall asleep, I rolled over, and I was like, it was almost like Princess and the Pea. I rolled over and I just went, that's a full-frosted mini-wheat. I get you. No, I didn't have a call. Today's the first day I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't feel great, but I feel better. I'm like, okay, we're good.

I thought you were dying there for a second. I thought I was dying. Bro, you, like, I pulled the veil back a little bit yesterday on Stuff Island where I was like,

I was pretty sure I was dying. Yeah. It wasn't like, I wasn't in the amount of pain where I was dying. I wasn't like sick where I was like, this is gonna,

like, it was just like, I was like, this is probably it. Like, it was just like a feeling I had. I was like, this is probably something bigger

and it's probably it. You really thought it was gonna be something big? There was a pretty good chance. Maybe not death, but you just like, I was like, this is probably it. Like, it was just like a feeling I had. I was like, this is probably something bigger and it's probably it. You really thought there was going to be something big? There was a pretty good chance. Maybe not death, but you were like, this is going to be something. Yeah. This is not a thing. Yeah. I mean, it was getting weird.

It was like five, I was only sick for like five days, but it wasn't. That's pretty long, bro. Most people aren't sick for five days. It wasn't a sickness that I, like, have ever had. Where it was, like, I was disoriented. And I was, like, I just, like, wasn't. Yeah, it felt like it was going to be, like, you have brain cancer. Like there's a tumor sitting on top of, like.

There were a bunch of times I thought I was going to faint. It wasn't, like, it was. And nonetheless, he was just ripping through podcasts and shit. Didn't miss a beat. That's how we roll here, baby. Drake's in trouble for hanging out with kids again. I know what this one is. Before I know any more, you told me the headline.

I love this. So Drake's in a club with an 11-year-old? FNG Lil' King. Awesome. FNG Lil' King is the newest kid rapper. He just turned 11. He's got a couple songs on YouTube. I think he's featured on a song on YouTube that has like 4 million views.

He has a new freestyle verse out on YouTube that has like 650,000 views. He was the youngest person to perform ever at Rolling Loud. He had his 11th birthday party in the club with a little baby. Pretty awesome 11-year-old. And the latest, I don't know if it was the same party that he was at. He's awesome. He's awesome.

He's got like stacks of cash. He's just i mean you know it'll obviously end in horrific tragedy for this kid he'll be absolutely fucked when the lights go out and and you know he's he's washed up at at 15 uh but for right now it's pretty awesome uh because you know what's funny like like bow wow was like doing you know basketball songs and shit you know like crisscross Like Bow Wow was like doing basketball songs and shit. Like crisscross will make you jump. This is like bitches, hoes, money, guns.

Like in the hood, fucking we got shooters. Now I don't know if it was Drake at the Lil Baby birthday party. At the birthday party with Lil Baby. Or if this was another night out at the club for FNG, Lil King. But Drake's in the picture with him. He's doing these hand signals and shit. Yeah. You know.

Probably shouldn't do that. I don't know. I disagree. I think, well, there's a couple that, like, do I think that Drake does anything nefarious with these kids? No. I don't think he's, like, an actual creeper. See, this is what we're talking about. I never went to pedophile.

Everyone's a pedophile now. Right. I was just thinking he's got himself a cool little mascot, dude. Like, when you're in the club, like, everyone's got bottle service. Everyone's trying to be the center of attention at the club bottle service is out they tried to do the streamers they tried to do all this you need something bigger now an 11 year old kid a child a human a small human you're just simbaing some little kid like no but see i would almost be that to me is more like pedro when he had his little midget yeah. This guy is his own thing at the club, and Drake's, like, saying what's up to him.

I think Drake – No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, this is not like Drake took FNG Lil' King to the club. This is like Lil' King's at the club, and so is Drake. And it's like you go over to his table and say what's up. Go pay my respects. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Exactly that.

I don't – yeah. I mean, listen. There are people who think that like Drake tried to fuck Millie Bobby Brown. I don't think that ever happened. I think it's getting a little weird. I think it's probably just for an image thing when you hang out and text teenage girls and now you're in the club with a boy. You're probably just opening yourself up to criticism that, while albeit ridiculous, like I don't think anyone actually thinks Drake is a pedophile, I probably would just not maybe do this anymore. I'd probably take a break from the hanging out with the little kids.

And as much as I'm – like rap is different. Like there has been Lil Romeo and Lil Bow Wow and it's weird I don't know there's just been times where there's been like teenage kids in a very adult world but it's part of like rap that's happened before and so this is the next iteration of that and if he's in the club

I think Drake is thinking more like this is fucking Hollywood and this is the next viral thing and this is his manager is named Fesse two times. So finesse two times is there. I can't believe he got, I can't believe he got screwed by finesse two times. And like,

I could see it just being like the same thing with Millie Bobby Brown, almost like we are just like, you know, we're stars in the Hollywood world, young, old, whatever. Um,

but at the same time, like I genuinely, I'm putting myself like in his shoes like i i i'm like i'm like frank reynolds i'm like i don't want to be around little kids i don't want anybody thinking anything about me with little kids i don't want to be left in a row in a room with them i don't want to see him at school i don't want to see him out of school i don't like them when they're in my car i felt weird the other day having driving around little kids so i would probably be in a weird the other day driving around little kids. So I would probably just – You're in a tough spot to be out on little kids.

Can't really avoid that one. But, you know, if you're – I mean, Drake also probably doesn't care. But you also – if you're Drake, you have to know that when you're in the club with an 11-year-old and you're also putting your kid on the internet, it's just getting weird with the kids and Drake. It's getting weird with the kids and Drake. It's getting weird with the kids and Drake. I hadn't gone there. I think it's... Oh, by the way, FNG's Lil' King's mom

tried to murder his grandmother with scissors. Hell yeah. Side note, you know. So there is some street cred. That's fucking cool. Yeah. I think that you just gotta do... I hope Drake just keeps doing this. Lean into it.

Why not? Just be the guy with the kids. Be like, I'm just the kid guy. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because that phrase right there did not go over well with me. What's up? I'm the kid guy.

Shout out to Six. Where the kid's at? Like Drake should show up at like an orphanage tomorrow drake should go on blippy on sesame street with the count one two six shout out to the six what's i can see him doing a video with what's her name who's the cartoon uh mexican chick dora dora like just drinking the coffee who's that mexican chick on youtube dora is a mexican chick right yeah facts um dude the fact so fng little king is born in 2012 uh 12 right that makes you 11?

Yeah. 2013 and 24. Yeah. That's crazy. Bro, Shay's born in 2015. Really? This guy's born in 2013 and he's in the club with Drake? That's where I actually am like, stop.

Dude, this is crazy. That's basically Shay's peer. Shay walks the hallways of school with kids his age. Yeah. And then if anybody, even in Shay's circle remotely, is in the club with Drake, I got to be the responsible adult in the room for one moment. This is bad. This is not good. This is not good.

This is not good. But it's not Drake who did it. He's like, oh, that popular kid's in the club. Yes, that's what I mean. So it's certainly not like Drake's fault. It's fucking finessed two times and his mother tried to murder her mother with scissors and all that shit. And I'm sure it's great right now. I'm sure they're making some money.

I don't even know how much you can monetize this shit this fast. You go to Rolling Loud and he's on, I don't know, probably his brother's shoulders or something. Just kind of mumbling into the mic. You know, probably should be doing learning how to read and shit like that. As far as

dangerous places for kids go, the club with Drakeke i feel like is pretty safe it's pretty safe i mean you're not a lot of cameras around a lot of cameras a lot of security yeah like you're not you're not like you know out in the streets i was basically this is an after-school program yeah yeah this is actually just drake you know, doing his thing. For the children. Drake is for the children. He calls him FNG Big King.

He's like, no, I don't mean Big King. Yeah, like what's going to happen? Remember when Bow Wow wanted to drop the Lil and then he became Bow Wow? This guy's just going to be King, FNG King. I mean, Bow Wow has like definitively been like this, you know, that upbringing completely fucked me up. So, you know, this will end fucked me up uh so you know this will end in tragedy but for the meantime now you know what a lot of the comments were not even the pedophile thing they were like and i don't know why let's let's say this for drake if he is a

pedophile which i it's crazy we just throw that word around now. He's the worst of all time. Or is he like the best, like hiding in plain sight? I guess. I think... Headline for the show. Greatest pedophile of all time? Question mark? I, uh...

So the comments weren't the pedophile as much as they were, and I don't really get what Drake is supposed to do about this because it's not his kid. They were like, Drake's son is probably studying literature in France while this kid is in the club with him. Drake's son is at home doing art and learning Aramaic while he's exploiting FNG, Lil' King. It's like, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I don't bring my kids to the club.

You do. What do you want me to fucking do here? Yeah, I'm not crazy. My kid's at home, like you said, learning how to read. You're bringing your kids to the club. I just took a picture with them. This is an insane thumbnail. This is wrong.

This is wrong. What is that? Wait, Millie Bobby Brown never said that. No, no, but this is just what thumbnails are. Yeah, thumbnail says he wanted to hook up with a picture of Millie Bobby Brown and Drake with the title Millie Bobby Brown speaks out on Drake hitting on her. And I'm sure the

first line is, Drake didn't actually hit on me. Fucking ridiculous. But it's just about like, you know, of course, I just wouldn't put myself in these positions. I don't want any headlines with kids. I've taken pictures with people's kids before. I thought it was weird, but I just wouldn't put myself in these positions. I don't want any headlines with kids. I've taken pictures with people's kids before. I thought it was weird, but I just did it.

I took a picture holding someone's baby once. It's a little different than being in the club flashing fucking signs and shit, man. Like, we've been out and we've taken pictures with my son, I guess. Bro, what would you do if a 13-year-old was just flashing like a fucking stack of money? Take a picture with me in the club. Would you just

be like, would you do the final work? Yeah. I would do that. Yeah, it's getting weird.

But whatever. It's hip-hop. It's Hollywood. It's how it goes. Shout out FNG, Lil King. Get it while

you can, bro, because you're going to go through your midlife crisis at 14, and it's going to be a wrap. We got Jake Johnson on the show, one of our all-time favorites. He's got a new movie out on Hulu, which is more or less like taking an answer-to-the-internet type question and making a movie out of it. You're being hunted by a group of hitmen, like killers, but they can

only kill you if you're alone. So he has to always try to spend time with people. So he's just kind of on the run and it's like, how long could you survive? It's literally plucked from a cart of ATI. So we're now in a world where Mr. Beast is making YouTube videos and Jake Johnson's making fucking movies about

ridiculous ATI hypotheticals. I love the world we're in. So Jake will be on the show later. We'll get into voicemails. We've got a list of Jackie things. Jacked Up is back. Jackie's got some shit to talk about. But Fights is back on his poor things.

Back on poor things. Well, I gave Jackie a homework assignment because I wanted Jackie to see it. And because I saw it. Whatever. Jackie, what did you think about the movie? I mean, I loved it. Like, it was, we talked about it a little bit, but, like, it was.

No, okay. Well, so, Fights had said, before I saw this, like, he prefaced it being, like, it was, it's okay to say, it was what Barbie was going for. It's not actually – and I take that back. I think I said it's what Barbie wanted to be. Yes. And I take that back because maybe Barbie is exactly what it wanted to be. It's what I wanted Barbie to be. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good way to put it. And it's what I wanted it to be, and I think it's what people – other people portrayed Barbie as going into it. It was creative creative it was unique it was original it was funny it was good um an entertaining movie quality i didn't feel like i was being talked to like i was someone who would be in the club with drake um i i i loved it but it did make me appreciate barbie because i like, a little kid cannot watch this. Yes, of course.

To get the same. So we all agree that Barbie's for children. Drake in the club with Barbie. But what would you say the overall theme message of the movie is? I mean, there's so many. any like i okay well first of all it's like i wouldn't say it's that it's it's kind of similar in the way that's like men are gonna men try and take advantage of women strictly because if they're like anatomy kind of and like but that's not exactly like what it is it's it's about like okay she finds her like she she's less able to be like she like walks like a puppet at first right and then like

the more she learns like she literally doesn't walk like a puppet anymore like she's able to walk on her own and okay so then there was one part that i was kind of like is it saying that that the more you i mean because then it was like saying the more you learn the more the world's gonna weigh you down but then you're able to kind of get ahead of it and make it better. And then the feminist side of it, is this, what do you want from me for this? I wanted that word. Feminist. Okay, yeah.

So then, yeah. And we get out of the movie. I went with Tommy. And we get out of the movie, and I said my thing. I was like, I kind of felt like that's what Barbie wanted to be, which, again, I take back. It's what I wanted Barbie to be. And Tommy looks me dead in the eyes.

And he goes, there's feminist stuff in that movie? What? I was like, bro, it's a movie that starts about a woman starts as a naive child held captive by a man named God who then goes on to find her power and individuality and sexuality and uses that to better herself and get good and break free from an abuser. What the fuck do you think you just watched? What did you think it was? I got in the cab. I didn't know where to continue the conversation. I was just like, bro, what did you think?

He goes through man after man after man trying to take advantage of her, like holding her at gunpoint. But it was – God's fucking – I literally look at Tommy differently now. Are you a dumb? Are you an idiot? Are you?

Oh, you're – that's what Tommy originally was. People forget that Tommy's original stick was being dumb. And then I was like, oh, he's actually a smart person. Now I think I'm back to alarmingly stupid. But how – Also, but I mean like you can't even – has he just not even like seen anything about this movie before going into it? Because like you knew this before even seeing it that it was – I didn't know before seeing it.

I knew – Maybe it's because you talked about it, but I don know it's before seeing i was like it's definitely a weird movie it's like strange it's but it's also not that like it's a very easy to understand movie yes like i i don't like movies where it's just like everything is simply like it tells you the story that's and then it also symbolizes yes okay and that's that's what i always wanted that's what i always fucking wanted i will say like that's that's where i think that barbie like you i think the only way you to like get that point across to men is to like sneak it sneak up on them with it like tommy might have kind of subconsciously like you don't have to

know it's a feminist movie yeah yeah maybe subconsciously like you don't have to know it's a feminist movie but maybe subconsciously like well but that but Mars is an interesting movie about a woman who who breaks free of awful men

and you're like damn that was kind of like shittier than that Tommy thinks you could swap her out for a man in the movie we could say it was just a dude

who was trapped by God and he's better he's found his sexuality it's it's so weird it's found his sexuality It's so weird It's so good There are people I knew you were gonna like it But I saw it with Tommy and Nate

And I was like What did Nate say? They both loved it No but like did Nate Was Nate like Nate was like I'm 35 years old I don't have a single movie

I can compare that to It's like No no but I'm saying to Tommy What did Nate do to Tommy? Oh, he's the dumbest person alive. Was it uncomfortable to watch with him? No, not at all. Keese was there too.

I obviously knew Keese was going to like it. But the two of them, I was like, I don't know how they're going to feel about it. But everyone liked it. I was talking to Jackie before we started recording and uh i think it's it's i i originally when i put out my top 10 list of uh 2023 i had just seen it now i've seen it twice digest a little more i think it's it's one or two it's one or two it's fucking it's gonna clean up i think yeah i mean emma stone already is but like it's it is, but it's so funny. I laughed out loud

15 times in the movie. And it's not fair to compare anything like that. It's kind of one of those things I obviously harbor some resentment about that other movie because of the way he's saying, it was okay, it was received, but it was really good. I really liked Four Things,

and I think Tommy's done his personal life. Speaking of cleaning up the exact polar opposite, did you see the Better Call Saul stat? 35. Owen, 35? 53. 53. They were nominated for 53 Emmys.

I don't know what's crazier. That Better Call Saul was nominated for 53 Emmys over the course of its lifetime and never won a single one, making it the most nominated show to never win an Emmy, or the fact that Better Call Saul was nominated for an Emmy this year. That was the trick with the Emmys. The Emmys were the old Emmys. So when the Bear was winning, I think that was for season one. I saw a tweet that said that.

Really? Like COVID Emmys or something? What do you mean? What does the old Emmys mean? I don't really understand. It was like... Like how the fuck is Better Call Saul up for an award this year? Didn't Better Call Saul end like two years ago?

Well, then they couldn't do it because of the strike, right? Oh, that's what a strike not COVID. They couldn't have Emmys or anything because of the strike, so everything happened this week. So Better Call Saul was within within 18 months or some shit? Yeah. Yeah, because also they broke down. The season came out two different times.

Right, right, right. That was one of those, you know, that was when you see a song that's up for a Grammy or whatever, you're like, that came out five years ago. I felt like Better Call Saul wrapped up a long time ago. But I don't know. I almost – I'd rather be 0 for 53 than 1 for 53 because you get this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if you read feedback, every comment is like, we don't care. Like they're the most fucking shafted show of all time. They should have won all of them. It's getting all the support yeah if you're one for 53 that doesn't happen so rather than have one like lighting emmy one you know cinematography emmy i'd rather be known as like the show that all of the tv snobs agree is like the greatest show ever that never won anything because you'll be talked about and you'll be the trivia answer you'll be you'll be the uh like the war cry for fans who are like the emmys don't mean anything because better call saul never won anything i loved the i loved the

gang getting up there finally yeah just doing like just just laying it on just like there was no you know like they just they talked about the fact that they never, we never even, we never even got nominated. Frank does the, or. No, they gave me one. I got one. For this? No. That's.

Wait, real quick about poor things. Sorry, just one more. Like, whatever. Don't you think that the guy, Victoria's husband, the guy with the gun, looks like Ricky Velez? I can see that. Okay. And then also, I kept thinking about, like,garet qualey she's like a pretty big actress and then i just kept thinking about like how funny it like like all to have like her parents or something or like all of her

friends watch that and like her only lines are like oh you know like that like that was tough the when when did you when were you like okay i'm gonna like this um probably i mean pretty quickly and because also like i i've already heard great things about it so like i already knew i was gonna like it but oh just another brainwashed feminist no no no but like i think after definitely in lisbon i was like oh already then yeah i mean i mean i mean uh uh that late that late yeah because like at first i i was worried that it was gonna be like um too artsy in a way where it was like oh is everyone just saying that they like it because they're too scared to not like it yeah but then like it ended up again they like told you everything that you're supposed to

you know like i was like tired and i was like i don't know if i have the brain power for this right now but then they like they they made sure they got my back on that that's the best those are the best movies the ones that like you know can when did you can can can you know convey it but not hit you over the head with it? The first five minutes when it was like... It starts in black and white. It's probably black and white for 15 minutes. Or color starts being introduced in 15 minutes.

I was kind of like, okay, same deal. Maybe this is going to be too artsy for me. And then when... Would she commit suicide? No! When Rami Youssef sees her and he just goes, what a very pretty retard. And I was like, oh, we're going to be fun too. Fuck yeah.

Okay. Speaking of retard, our buddies over at Girls Got Eat found themselves in a pickle after our other friend, Brittany Schmidt, went on their show and said, I think the direct quote was something like, I'm sober now, but when I was drunk, I used to do all sorts of retarded stuff. And the reaction to that was crazy, dude. Brittany and Ashley and Raina took the episode down and put up an apology that was like, we should have taken it out. That was very careless of us. We're very sorry to anyone we offended. We're better than that and it won't

happen again and the episode is now deleted. We took that part of the episode out. Their fan base was like, not enough. That's not enough. Literally, what else is there to do? What is another course of action to take? You got to go fight Britney? You got to arrest her?

Britney lobotomy. Yeah, for real. Walk a mile, Brit. Walk a mile. It is crazy how much – how you can live in different worlds of the podcast world and the internet world. I mean we use all sorts of words and tell all sorts of jokes that I'm sure – I mean if they found out it was going on, they would be pitchforks and torches at our doorstep. They just don't know about it. But, like, when I saw that reaction, I saw them, like, I mean, it went on for days and days, like, over a week. And I was like, oh, my God.

Like, there is so much worse out there. So much worse. So many things, you know. I mean, I feel for them. Having an audience that is, like, I feel like you got to have your – when you listen to a podcast, I feel like you got to have like your podcaster's backs a little bit. You know what I mean? To be – to like turn so quick on something. It's like they built up I feel like so much equity with their fan base as far as how positive they are and like the products they put out and the guests they have and the topics they talk about.

It's like they do a lot for women and a lot for their listeners. And then like at the first sign of, yeah, okay, listen, in their world, with that demographic, that is like a third radioactive can't-say-it word. I get it. But to then bail like that quickly and be like – I guess there were actual listeners being like, I don't know if I can listen to you anymore. It's like I wouldn't want that in the first place.

I'd be like, then go. I don't want you to be a listener if you're that quick to flip. I also don't really care what other people say on the show. You can say whatever the fuck you want. Well, that's what they were saying. I have words I won't say. You can say whatever the fuck you want. But I feel like they're defensive. Like, we didn't say. Yeah. Whatever you want. But I feel like, you know, they're defensive.

Like, we didn't say it. We heard you. We took it down and we apologized. And that's it. That's the four things you can do when you have a podcast blunder. But I'm just so happy to have an audience. It made me very grateful to have an audience that we have where like big enough that we do well, not so big that we have to like worry about people writing articles about us or looking over our shoulders. A loyal audience that likes us but doesn't expect too much from us.

We don't – like they know exactly who we are. We're just here to like fuck around. And yeah, we take some stands or have some opinions sometimes but we're not here to like change the world i have an opinion until you tell me i should have a different opinion and then i have that opinion that's how my opinions work we really have hit the sweet spot though i i had that epiphany with with that with the girls gotta eat moment like i'm always trying to make it you know bigger better more profitable more everything but there's something to be said for hitting that sweet spot of like once you get big enough, even if you try to not worry about things like you inevitably have to because you're like,

I might lose all of this or like – or well, we said that last time so we got to say it this time or we built it – we're just like don't ever have any expectations for us. I think people like us for that. So you can't ever get caught like, you know. It's not like, oh, you're hypocritical. It's like, I don't know. I changed my mind. Whatever.

Fuck it. There's just very much a – I remember following the 04 presidential campaign when Kerry – Kerry's a flip-flopper. He's a flip-flopper. And I was young and I was like, that sounds like me. Flip-flopper. He's a flip-flopper. And I was young, and I was like, that sounds like me. I'm a flip-flopper.

What everyone hates about this guy sounds like my number one quality. I am a chameleon. I will change to whatever setting you put me in at all times. I think that's admirable. I like a guy who has a stance. You're not going to be fond of me. I like to sit no stance over here but no i but i i i don't i also think that's not like you know we have our opinions

well we have our certain things it's just you can't be it can't be about everything if you have like certain topics you're very passionate about you feel and then the rest of it you're like i don't know maybe you're right maybe you're wrong if you if you feel. And then the rest of it, you're like, I don't know. Maybe you're right. Maybe you're wrong. If you're about every single thing, it's like, well, I don't know. That can't be true. You can't possibly feel that way about absolutely everything, right? So here's to just staying right in the middle. As always and forever, as medium and middle as it gets here at KFC Radio. Jackie, what do you got for us?

Jacked up! No, I mean like it's not so I made like a list of stuff because I went on Reddit for the first time. Jackie discovering the internet is very fun. So good. What did you used to do? I don't know.

We both sound like such valley girls. What did you used to do i don't know she came in after um break and we had that episode where she had like three really good topics that she she pulled for us and i was like that's good we we need more of that and she was like i was on my phone a lot over the break the internet is interesting people have so many opinions um wait also can i say okay i added this to the list and this is i'm gonna start is interesting. Crazy. People have so many opinions. Wait, also, can I say, okay, I added this to the list, and this is I'm going to start with a conspiracy

theory of my own. Yes. The Apple quick chargers. Fast chargers. I'm 90% sure that that's a scam, and that there's like, you lose battery faster than a normal charger. I don't know how to test this but i'm

almost 100 positive i think we could test it with just like looking at the time and plugging in a phone right i i would say you're probably accurate i i i judge my phone twice a day probably now i i looked at it the other day i i i hit like a i had a flip out moment i ordered ordered 10 chargers, 10 blocks, 10 cords, 10 USB, 10 USB-C. I just had a whole fucking thing. And I was like, I'm putting this in my car, in this room, in this room, in this room, in this office. Everywhere I go, I'm always going to have

a fucking charger on me. Because I bought so many over the years and I find myself still buying them at airports and leaving them in hotels. So I bought all of them. And I, for the first time ever, started looking at like the wattage, you know? Like, the big brick is, like, 15 watts, and the small brick is, like, 12 watts. And I was thinking to myself, I don't really know if this is true or not. But I think the way to test it is get your shit at zero and plug it in.

Like, mine can last all day when I have a normal one, a normal charger. But then when I have a normal one a normal charger but then when i have a quick charger it doesn't when you say the quick charger do you mean like i like i'm thinking about the usb plug versus the universal plug yeah yeah and and then but but the brick also matters too there's like the like the new one the smaller brick is more powerful or something no it's like that cylinder type yeah is like – It's crazy how fast – Wait, that's what I'm saying. The cylinder one is the strongest, right?

The strongest, yeah. Yeah, because if you get like the square brick, it's not. No. I would just think bigger is more power, but it's not. Well, yeah. Yeah. No, I know what you're talking about. And then if you use a laptop charger, that one is crazy.

Like you can just plug that in. Your phone can charge a laptop – Your laptop can charge a phone now? Yeah, if you put the one that plugs into your iPhone, that one is even faster. I just plug that in your phone can charge a laptop your laptop if you put the one that plugs into your iPhone that one's even faster that's what I can imagine because that

shit's like we got to charge this whole thing and now we're doing this little thing that I could see being fast some of the other ones though I feel

like are fugazi but I do think there's a very tangible way to figure this out yeah I also think though that like the minute you buy

the new charger might be the minute that Apple presses the button on your phone to make your battery suck because that happens. I mean, that just happens. As soon as your phone's a year old, it's just like, oh, if you – they say your battery lasts 24 hours except if you open one app, and then it lasts like 45 minutes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Once you use it for something, if you put GPS on, yeah, yeah. You know, once you like use it for something, if you put GPS on your phone, wipes it out. Wipes it out. My phone just always dies. I like it this way, though. You like it to, yeah. I like it where it charges fast,

even if it drains fast, because I feel like it's more like me. I was going to say, play hard. Love hard, fight hard, fight hard. I just need a nap for a second. Like, I'll be, I can stay up all night. Like, I don't charge my phone at night. Love hard, fight hard, fight hard. I just need a nap for a second. I could stay up all night. I don't charge my phone at night. My phone's in bed with me.

But throughout the day, if I just give it a couple little snacks. Is that how you do it? Yeah. No fucking way. At night, you don't just have a charger next to your bed? Mm-mm. That might be the craziest thing about you. That, at this stage of life, is like taking a shower in the morning, brushing your teeth.

Like, you just charge your phone at night. No, I charge my phone during my shower, and then I'll probably charge it again at, like, 5 tonight. And I'm good. But you also have been cutting back drastically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That lifestyle would not work with, like, if you were on your phone a lot. I guess that's true. You would die pretty quickly.

Yeah. Unless, you know, again, did Apple fucking pull the not work with, like, if you were on your phone a lot. I guess that's true. You would die pretty quickly. Yeah. Unless, you know, again, did Apple fucking pull the lever behind the scenes to make your phone suck? It's kind of perfectly, like, I start my day on about 70%. You are your phone. Yeah. And then I do my charger. I do a little skin care. A little workout, maybe.

Probably put some vibrating thing on his face. Oh, did you i bro it's this it's this cycle i live in in my life where like i just get fit it's like you tell me tell me opinions that i just have them right now instagram's like you gotta fix your skin dude so i'm just like swipe up by that swipe up by that So what is this thing? I don't know, man. It's something you fucking go like that with. Oh, yep. I know what that is. Also, I found the most luxurious body oil that I meant to send

to. Oh, yeah? Are you still just getting slick every morning, Jackie? Every morning and every night. But I know exactly what you're talking about. And I've actually been wanting to know if I should spend my money on it. So I was going to ask my sister. Aren't all of these things scams? Oh, for sure.

For sure. But it vibrates my face. The red mask? The red light-up mask? Bro, yeah. That was like six months ago. Yeah, dude. We're onto some new shit.

Now we're vibrating our faces. Dude, I find it. So I get out of the shower. Because I oiled up in the shower, I like to air dry. So I just walk around my apartment going. And I don't know what it does. It feels nice. So it's just like I air dry and it feels nice.

And then I put a little lotion on my face. And then I get my phone at like 86%, 90%. You're up. And then I go about my day. And you drain down. You crash around like four. Yeah. about my day. You drain down. You crash around 4. Yeah. You're back at home.

I get in bed until 2am on my phone. You're so clean girl aesthetic. I'm so what? Clean girl aesthetic. What do you mean? You've never heard of that? We're old dudes. Context clues, I can figure it out clean girl said it was you kind of said that as i was

talking about like laying in my bed in my bed last night i was like i was like damn i got a lot of crumbs in here today so i don't know bro i was like there's a i was like i said i was like i think someone came in my room and like jumped back and chipped in my bed. Yeah, someone did. You. You did. I was like, how the fuck are there this many chips? Yo, let me tell you something.

I am. I just did my sheet. I just did it like two days ago. I am as like judgment free as it comes when it comes to that shit. Laundry, food. What you do in your house, in your bed, in your couch is your domain. You do you. The amount that you talk about the crumbs in the bed is insane.

Like, people talk about getting into a fresh, clean bed. Like, it can, like, literally change your mental health, and you just do the extreme opposite of that. So it's like if you're oiling up, like, you're right in chicken, basically. Yeah, it's sticking to you. You're like a lollipop. You drop underneath the fucking, underneath the couch. You get all the fuzz stuck to you.

Last night, I rolled over. I couldn't fall asleep. I rolled over, and I was fall asleep. I rolled over. And I was like, it was almost like Princess and the Pea. I rolled over and I just went, that's a full frosted mini-wheat. I was like,

that's a full mini-wheat stab me in the hip right now. How about this? Let's go to your house. Let's do a game. You roll over and close your eyes. We throw one of your snacks. You have to roll onto it and try to guess what it is.

Sometimes it'll be whatever you eat. It's not random. It'll be something you eat. I think you'll go like 9 for 10 on that one. That's a full mini-wheat. You are disgusting, man. That's great. That's a full mini weight. You are disgusting, man. That's great. That's truly great stuff.

But what's this clean girl aesthetic? It's just like – it's like Hailey Bieber-esque. Yeah. It's like the – You're like, yeah, you do skincare and you eat right and you work out and you do meditation, right? Yeah, but it's like a holistic shit. It's like the Slickback Bun and the, you know, golden earrings. Your face is so perfect and all that shit.

Yeah, it's like light makeup. But in reality, it's probably like the opposite, right? It's like she's got probably like professional makeup and Photoshop and lighting and all. You know what I mean? Not really. I don't know. You don't think so? But now it's kind of like the – now it's like electric grandpa's in actually now it's like mob wife is in

i saw that i don't care for that that's crazy i don't yeah like i know that's that's like my mob wife era started no it's not it's just like i feel like i look like a mob wife so like that but you don't you don't like dress like a mob. I saw like the New York Post tweet like mob wife saying I don't like – The big glasses are the worst. I hate that. Yeah. But I respect the style but like that's not –

I mean it is a bold fashion choice. I will say that. It's not one that I care for. Yeah. But it is like you're stepping out and you're not just – You're in a fur coat with big glasses, big hair, big heels. You're trying something. I don't really like it, but the Italians do.

It's Italian. Let's be honest. It's the Guinness. What did you say? Sorry. I said if I were to do that, I wouldn't look ironic. Again, I think I already have a mob life look where it's like if I were to do it, it would just look like – You should be a mob wife for Halloweenlloween at least though yeah yeah yeah that

would be funny apparently you you really do it's i mean you just have an east coast vibe to you it's very strange for a like just a actual california girl yeah i mean you're a very east coast girl one girl like um in college she was like you have like a very much like a porn star look too and i i that was the most complimented yeah she meant it to be like a bitch like she was trying to be bitchy but i was like i think about that all the time and sometimes i'm just like hell yeah damn yeah yeah um yeah you think that's a that's an insult? It's not. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, I forgot. Oh, the Apple charger. So that's, we think that is, you think that it just charges like worse than the average

phone? I just think like they're scamming, like it's just a number that's going up on your phone, but actually the other ones last a lot longer. Okay. And then I also just think like, there's no way that I'm the first one to come up with this theory. Because if I'm coming up with a theory first, there's just no way that other people have not had that thought before. So I think that they're suppressing it and this might get suppressed. I do like the idea though.

So you're saying I plug my phone in and the number does go up to 100 faster, but it goes down to zero faster. So I think it's secretly at like 50. That I think is that that is a possibility. Oh, I think that's true. I like that. Yeah. It's not just like, you know, they're there. It's not doing its job.

It's doing its job. But they're just tricking you into thinking it's better when it's actually not. I hate to go into like like, the conspiracy theory again, but, like, we work like machines. Like, the way that we get tired at night is the way that we lose battery. Bro, machines work like us. No, no, no. No, no.

It's all designed to be like us. We didn't design a phone to, like, try and go to sleep. Like, we're desperately trying to get phones to not have to fall asleep. We didn't design the phone to just, lose battery probably that bitch it's a fair point i can't believe that we're not at a place where battery like like the air can just like charge like wi-fi battery you know like if i'm this – you plug in a thing and if you're within a range of that, it will like charge your battery. But the human body is considered the greatest machine of all time. So they're trying to get machines like us.

No, I don't know. The computer is pretty cool. But it's not like if you talk about like battery life and like – Yeah, I don't – I think that's probably outdated by now. The flaws of like... I don't think so. What's a machine that lasts 80 years? I think you can make machines that last a long time.

I think they actually used to, like older machines lasted longer because they used to make them like well. But I'm just saying that with like, I'm sure there's some fucking laser beam 3D printing, creating blah, blah, blah machine that they have now that's probably pretty better than me, I'll tell you that much. I don't think so.

Do you think that I'm a better machine than some of the machines out there? Every microwave ever made is better than me. I don't think so. Every television ever made is better than me. And the same flaws that a human has is the same flaws that a machine has, like a glitch or like a virus or something like that. How do you explain those similarities? Because they're trying to make them like us,

the greatest machine of all time. No, they're not trying to have them have glitches. No, they're not trying to fix those, but they have them. Yeah, I know, but they have them the same way that we have them. Like the same way that we get cancer is the same way that a computer gets a virus. Yeah. I don't think so.

What do you mean you don't think so? What do you mean you don't think so? I don't think so in the sense that like I don't think so What do you mean you don't think so? What do you mean you don't think so? I don't think so in the sense that I don't have the knowledge to combat it But I think it's very different How we get cancer and a computer gets a virus A computer gets a virus But you click a link

You get cancer over 40 years of eating out of fucking Teflon pans But some people just get fucked with cancer, and I think some people, like, you just get a lemon of a car, or your laptop just goes to shit at one point or whatever. I think that's kind of like cancer. Yeah. Like, my phone, like, will have a glitch where all of a sudden, just in the cold, like, it just shuts off.

Like, it just shuts off, like, every time. And it's, like, I i mean i don't know the similarity to that but that's that's not like a click or a glitch where i clicked a virus that's just all of a sudden my phone's getting old yeah like shit just dies like yeah like like humans right so it's just more like our humans like robots are robots like humans because we're just all if you're just being the same in a lot of ways, who's mimicking who? I think they're mimicking their creators, us. But who are – but what if we are created – what if we're a robot and we don't know it?

What if we're ants? I don't know. These are the – Jackie, do you think computers will ever be able to show emotion? Yes. Yeah? Like real emotion? Yes. Yeah? Like real emotion? Yeah.

Well, no, I think it would be something programmed. Yeah, yeah. When someone – you have a catalog in your fucking AI brain that says if someone tells you that somebody died, you go, I don't know. Yeah. I don't know whether – now, these are the things that I think Jackie talks about. It's like what is emotion? Is it a reaction or do you actually have to feel something? Because it's like, you can be

feeling emotion and not reacting to something. That's actually kind of like a life hack is sometimes I think about when I'm really sad and it barely helps, but it does a little bit. I'll just be like, it's just chemicals. When a guy

hurts me, I'll just be like, it's just chemicals. I was guy hurts me, I'll just be like, it's just chemicals. I was attracted to him in the first place. You're not really wrong. That's not really a hack. I'll get over it in three months, but right now I'm just overdosed with these chemicals that will balance out at one point. I saw something the other day. I think it was on Reddit, where it's like the visual example of time heals all wounds i was like i saw it i was like

that's the deepest i've been like i'm a 12 year old but i got like the like like a graph like that went down or something no it was a fucking um it was like uh what do you call like uh that like chinese like um or asian oh the raking yeah yeah what are those called the chinese yeah the uh it's like uh let me see if i can pull it up oh i know what you're talking about like the sand fills in the gaps yeah yeah this one right here and i was like i was like damn i think about it all the time now I was picturing you literally just seeing like a line graph that's like over time like so like right now it hurts a little bit less that is cool though I think that as much as that is like Instagram like 12 year olds

that's pretty that's a pretty good graphic. Yeah, I found that very helpful in my life. I would not knock that and be like, oh, that's so cliche. That's a pretty fucking good explanation. Okay, the last thing I'm going to say. All you got to do yourself is tell yourself that every spin is like a day. It's good in three days. Not three years, not three decades three days

i'll be good the hole's filled in i feel like the last thing i'm gonna say about i'm sure everyone's like shut the fuck up about your whatever theory but like the same way that that we see that and we could see how it mimics a human body is the same way like in in for example roller coasters they go up and down the same way like our lives go up and down right and everything has the same way, like in, for example, roller coasters, they go up and down the same way, like our lives go up and down, right? And everything has the same patterns. And that's what, not to say code again, but that's what code is, is like, it's just, it's a algorithm that repeats itself over and over and over. And we see these same cycles in everything around us. And then in our lives, in the trajectory of our lives. Do you know what I mean? Could you imagine if Jackie just didn't take that

coding class? What was it, coding camp or something? Girls who code. Yeah, girls who code class or whatever. That one thing changed the entire trajectory of her life. Everything after that, she's like, I just see in zeros and ones. I'm in the matrix.

Have you seen the matrix? Kind of. Wait, what? after that she's like I just see in zeros and ones I'm in the Matrix have you seen the Matrix? kind of wait what? you haven't seen the Matrix yet? I obviously would fucking love it Jackie Jackie describes the plot of the Matrix to us all the time I guess yeah

I shouldn't be surprised if she hasn't seen it because she says it as if the movie hasn't been made three times three blockbusters it's like Rick and Morty apparently that's the same thing She hasn't seen it. Because she says it as if the movie hasn't been made three times. Three blockbusters have been made. It's like Rick and Morty, apparently. That's the same thing. I don't know. There's a lot of...

Yeah, I should see it. Wait, what? Rick and Morty is about the Matrix? No, I actually have no idea what it's about. I haven't watched it. I haven't watched anything. You gotta watch the Matrix. The Matrix is gonna break you, Jack.

Jack, Jack, Jack. You will, like... I mean, you'll be fucking in love with this movie. Well, I feel like I'll just... I'll be, like, pissed the whole time. I'll be like, yeah, I I mean, you'll be fucking in love with this movie. Well, I feel like I'll just, I'll be like pissed the whole time. I'll be like, yeah, I fucking said this.

I could have written this movie. I'm Neo. I think, I don't really know your taste in movies. I think it might turn you off to it. Um, yeah, I think it's,

I think it's too sci-fi and you'll be like, nevermind. Fuck that. Yeah. I feel like they look really funny, funny walking around with the black trench coat. So I'm just going to be like, this is stupid. I hope if Jackie comes in the next day with sunglasses that don't have the things on them that just pinch on your nose.

Remember those? Lawrence Fishburne wore those in The Matrix and he just pinched them on his nose. It was like, whoa. I feel like you guys could just listen to an episode of KFC Radio. You'd have to watch nine hours of movies. I mean, Matrix 1 is the only one. Like, Matrix 2 was kind of like, oh, all right. Well, it wasn't as good as the first one, and I think Matrix 3 sucked.

I think I only saw one. Yeah. Matrix 2 was okay, and I think Matrix 3 was like, definitively, these guys are transitioning, and they're just making a movie about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else we got okay that was only topic one yeah um well so i have okay the other ones are like prompts for the pod so do you guys want some prompts or do you want more chat gbt jackie yeah is our prompt or do you want like

so i i mean there's also another like tiktok theory like girl theory thing so do you guys want a prompt right now or you want like a TikTok? What are you most passionate about? What do you want, Jackie? What do I want? Which one do you want to talk about? I don't know. We'll talk about that one.

Aren't these all kind of prompts though? Isn't that what we're doing? Well, yeah. But okay. So like the first one, for example, I guess this one was more like, what the fuck? Glitch. just like us um sorry my phone is a glitch nobody even by the way your camera's on again right my camera's on okay good um i want to watch the camera for that i don't know what happened there well it wasn't on

me at that moment to be quite honest always have a camera on you okay um let me just find this okay so like the first one. Ah! It won't let me do it. Whatever. It was like, name... Whatever that is, we're doing that. I want that. No, it just won't let me click into the fucking link.

Whatever. It was like, name a outfit from a movie that lives rent-free in your head. And then there's... Great one. Attached examples. Great one. But if you want some examples, I'm sure you have one in mind. What you got?

Zac Efron, 17 again. Oh. The leather jacket. Yeah. How's it going? But what's funny, see, I think you'll probably, I'm assuming, thinking of an outfit that you like. Yeah. Like my answer would be Marty McFly in Back to the Future, but not because i want to dress like him but it's just it's just

burned into my brain yeah yeah yeah the mine would all be i don't have a ton actually but like definitely efron getting out of that car and 17 again is like so wait but is that kind of can can i see that can you pull that up for me? Is that just kind of like Grease? For sure. Yeah. Because I was going to say, there are like tropes almost of these outfits. James Dean sort of shit. Oh, yeah.

It's a white t-shirt, black leather jacket. Right. Right. That was going to be. It was just like it was before. Oh, but he's a child. He's 17. Yeah.

Yeah. That's hilarious. I was picturing. I don't know why. Yeah, obviously he's a kid and 17 again, but I was picturing Efron as an adult. I think I was probably 15 when it came out and I was like, man, that's a cool dude. It's not a movie, but it's New Kids on the Block. Cut off. Oh, they cut off. They cut off Slyder.

We know that had an impact on you because you wore it to school. But I think the – The Rocketeer. The Rocketeer. Bro, I dress like – I know like it's been said. Peter Pan. I dress like Peter Pan for a year straight. I dress like Peter Pan for a year straight while my aunt was dating a guy from Ireland.

And like he just thought I was like – she would always be like, where's the fucking leprechaun at? Like it was just – I was just some little fucking kid. But the – I also had a long phase where I dressed like the Rocketeer every day. But what is the Rocketeer? Red leather jacket and khaki pants. OK. I mean, yeah. I do know the red leather jacket.

I didn't know what pants he had on. I mean, I was thinking about the rocket pack on his back. I would wear a backpack. Okay. So you were like, I get that. I could definitely see that. And I had the matte helmet. I wouldn't wear the helmet everywhere, but I would put the helmet on and I would just run into people with it. I'm sure that was great.

You know how you talk about now the anime kids who run with their hands behind their back? I would have a backpack on, a gold helmet with a spike, and I would sprint into people. I'm sure people love that you came around. Here comes the special needs kid who's just headbutting us. Drake wouldn't want to fuck me. That kid's dangerous. What's a girl one, Jackie? Wolf of Wall Street chick?

No. That's a guy girl one, you know what I mean? What girl outfits stick in your brain? Yeah, I thought that, Kevin, you were going to have a girl outfit and, John, you were going to have a guy outfit. That was my prediction. Yeah, but so like that did – so Wolf of Wall Street chick, Jennifer Love Hewitt in Heartbreakers.

She's in those dresses that are just out of this world. But no, I would think you know that that question my brain went to a male outfit first yeah i think my first one but like this is obvious because it's such an important part of the movie but double wears prada like the blue sweater um yellow dress uh how to lose a guy in 10 days yes yes that's a good one obviously clueless um yeah the school girl type shit yeah i haven't actually really thought of brad pitt and snatch what's he wearing that that's uh he's just dressed like a pikey and it's just like he's just dressed like a fucking like scarves and hats and it's what he's everyone in in my era when it came out was like i want to look like brad pitt

shirtless and snatch i wanted a fight club i guess i want to look like brad pitt dressing yeah i feel like uh rocky had the hat that hat like when i see that hat, I think of Rocky first. Rocky won. This was mine. Yeah, you love this. That is good. That's a good fit. That's a cool guy fit. Gosling? I mean, Gosling is just... Anything Gosling.

Gosling Blade Runner, which I haven't even seen. Gosling Drive, I had a phase. Drive is a good one. I like Gosling and Russell Crowe and nice guys I feel like anything that kind of has like a cool 70s like

don't give a fuck big like collar jacket type vibe I don't know that that is a speaking of that did you see the red carpet at the Louis Vuitton at Pharrell's Louis Vuitton thing last night? I know it's a dumb question. Everyone was in bell-bottoms all over the place.

Bradley Cooper was in bell-bottoms. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to force you to do it. Somehow, eventually. Wait, I'm going to pull it up because I think GQ posted it on Instagram yeah I can see it wait go back no this is the red carpet not the fashion show is that the same thing that red

right down one yeah okay that was you take away the colors like splashes on there and that's your outfit bro so GQ posted this slide of nine guys on it four of them are in bell bottoms it's not really outside the realm of possibility to think that those people out at ralph lauren like saw that thought that said that at various

things and other places like picked up i'm not kidding i'm not kidding there's been so many times throughout barcel history where i would like we would talk about something and then i would see it go viral or like be talked about on twitter and i used to be like wow matrix fucking glitch in the system and then i started to think like I think we're just driving the conversation sometimes. And not like in a major way. If it was like headline news, I'm not saying we started that. But if all of a sudden we talk about something, the podcast comes out, we talk about it on Twitter, and next thing you know, like somebody else did it and it's got a lot of retweets or whatever.

I was like, I think there's a chance that we are the ones putting that out in the zeitgeist first. And I think that's you with clothes more than you realize. Bradley Cooper looked the best. Our girl Heather McMahon did the Emmys red carpet. She's great for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a perfect personality for that. Also, she won Celebrity Jeopardy.

Really? She won. She didn't win the whole tournament, but she won a game. Oh, okay. Like, that is my dream. She said the only reason that she did it is because she said there was, like, three questions about Botox. It was, like, Botox was one answer and, like, some sort of other related thing was another answer. So she kept buzzing it and getting them right.

Then she lost to – who's the comedian who's really smart? Mo Rocca, I think it is. Yeah. Who's like a comedian, but he's like, at this point, it's like, you're actually a smart guy who's funny, not the other way around. Yeah, yeah.

So I was like, losing to him is like losing to a regular Jeopardy player. No shame in that game. So shout out to her. So wait, Devil Roads Prada, and you're... Okay, what's up next? Also Bella Baxter from poor things

yeah i can get a fit off yeah big time the uh they had uh i was reading about um what was it what's his name fucking the hulk the mark ruffalo um was talking about his his outfit and that. Mark Ruffalo's the Hulk? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. And it was like he wore like calf implants and he wore butt implants and he wore like a chest implant. And I didn't notice any of that. He just looked like Mark Ruffalo to me. Yeah. Interesting. I don't even think he like showed his calves.

No. It was in suits. They wanted him to look like a bird when he was in a suit and i didn't i didn't pick up on that at all but he also was talking about how self-conscious he was for the sex scenes there's a lot of sex scenes yeah and he's like i don't think people want to watch me have sex with emma stone The results are in. Ted is a smash it. Smash it.

I love when we have a takeover and we're a part of an ad campaign and then it works and everybody's happy and they love the product. And it's like, yes. So we don't have to do some phony ad reads. We don't have to push something that we know is not being well received. It's got a 90% Rotten Tomatoes score audience. Critics are talking whatever, but the audience loves it. Everybody at Barstool here who has tuned in loves it. I haven't seen all – there's seven episodes out now.

I've only seen a couple, but it's almost like a little treat. It's like every now and then when it's like, all right, I don't have a full – I can't watch a full movie right now. I've got to run and get the kids in a minute. Let me pop on an episode of Ted. And you get some laughs and you have some funny moments. That's Ted. It's the perfect – it literally is like a meta because it's like your stuffed animal.

It just gives you a little bit of comfort. That's what Ted the TV series is and everybody agrees. And usually a lot of these things are a risk. Sometimes it's like how much can you squeeze out of this? But definitively, Ted 1, Ted 2, and the TV series all hit. And there's a reason why people like us all like it because it's just that type of humor. Wahlberg doesn't miss, man. Dude, he –

I mean, he's not in the show, but I imagine he's some – A part of the – Wahlberg and McFarlane. They're just – you know, they're two guys who know exactly what they're doing. And you know the deal. Ted is the, you know, irreverent little teddy bear who's a great friend, but he's also like the devil on your shoulder. It's good family fun. It's like family fun with a twist of being not corny.

It's not family fun. It's like fucked up shit. So it's perfect. Go to Peacock now it's only available on peacock so you can sign up for that you get the office you get all of the nbc products parks and rec and the new ted tv series only available on peacock today what do you guys think i don't know if you've talked about this about the date it first date idea of going to couples therapy and trying to act like you've been a couple i've never heard this you've never heard this no so people like on hinge sometimes there'll be this prompt um and it'll be like first date idea is you go to

couples therapy and you have to like improv try and act along. I get that. That reminds me of that awkward moment when they are browsing for the apartment and they're pretending. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right off the bat, I was like, that sounds terrible. But it's your acting is what you're doing. You know what I mean? It's not like you're going to couples therapy. It's like, let's go to couples therapy and make up a ridiculous scenario.

That feels a lot like your museum date when you said what's the worst what's your yeah your worst you know i still follow that girl instagram she's happily married now but that was that was an all time that's an all that should be in a movie there should be a guy wearing bell bottoms in a movie who says what's your worst idea of a night out we're doing that uh i could see i don't know why that girl didn't but um that that i think is a a fun idea for like a hinge i'm going to talk about this on the internet date yeah i don't know if that would actually be if you're talking about going on a date and just trying to meet someone and get to know them like i don't think i want to have to be like i have to perform improv well because then

the pressure is on you to be what's that i think it's yeah a lot more embarrassing in the moment yeah yeah like i mean to be like i have to like pretend really like i'd be a good actor to impress her right now it's fucking hard i think but if you have more fun with it i guess you know yeah i think you do just goofy where you're like yeah it's like some i mean you're rude i guess the therapist doesn't really care so you're paying who cares um but if you know you do you do some like michael che colin joe shit i feel like you just go in there and try to one-up each other with more embarrassing shit. So the girl is like, I mean, he can't get his dick hard. And then you come back with some shit that hurts her.

Be like the worst possible couple to try to get the – I think the goal should be like let's go to a couple's therapy and try to get the therapist to be like, break up. Fucking break up, kids. Have you read more into that? Have you read, like, any people who've read? Testimonials? Well, there's a whole Reddit thing on it, and I haven't read it now. I can, and I'll get back to you.

I think you should do that. No. I had a girlfriend once be like, we should go to couples therapy. And I was like, it was like early in the relationship. We should just go to couples therapy together. Bro, I've heard of that, where people do couples therapy like throughout. And I can understand the notion, but like, just break up, you know? But it wasn't a fight.

It seems like it was something she was trying to get. She's like, I got one thing I can't stand about him. But like there – I was like that doesn't make any sense. And she's like, what if we just started going? I was like, why would we do that? We are not – I go back and forth because I can definitely see where you fall into the trap of like – even let's say if you start a relationship, you're like, I'm going to be totally open. I'm going to be upfront.

I'm going to speak my feelings all the time. I'm not going to like fall into the same traps. And you might do that in the beginning and inevitably you fall back into your old shit. And if you had like a scheduled like once every six months or something, we air it all out. I could see that being useful. But the idea of we're just going to proactively fight to keep this thing alive, that means it's not necessarily working naturally. It seems like you just shouldn't do it then. Unless you've got kids and you need to make it work or there's some reason, it's like if this isn't coming natural to the point that you need to pay somebody to like –

I guess it depends on if you're going like once a week or like I said. Like if you just go once a month, we just like talk things out or whatever. But if you need regular therapy, I would say then you're just not the right fit. Couples therapy would be terrible with me. I can't even fucking fathom it with you. I fucking told you. I can't imagine a... I don't know what would be worse, a therapist

who's on your side or not on your side, but the whole thing would be a fucking disaster. See, if a therapist was on my side once, you'd never hear the end of it. Never hear the end of it. The doctor said so. You're wrong, I'm right. But I could also just see you being like, what are we doing here?

This is so stupid. Just not buying into it at all and just making a mockery of the whole woman's profession. Yeah. Would she agree with me? I bet this is the greatest thing ever. And when she didn't, I bet this is so stupid. This is a waste of time. There needs to be couples therapy needs to have a girl doctor and a boy doctor at

all times that that is bare minimum for me to even go through the door there better be a guy in the room i just need at least one person i can go come on come on there was something that you said one time i was like i was getting frustrated with the guy because i was like i was like damn he just like doesn't ask questions or whatever and then you said something like you me or john the john and he was like one of your friends like um their their house burned down or whatever and you were and i was like oh my god is he okay and you're like i don't know and i was like what do you mean you don't know and you're like i don't know and then i was like i was like so you want this guy to ask you about your day at

work i was like so what where's he staying now and you go i don't know and i was like oh it's just like that's just how they're built like they're just like chill and they just like leave you alone it's so much better this way the day that girls figure it out is the day that that like society reaches nirvana where it's just like just just chill man don't ask questions about every single thing don't have a opinion about every single thing it's awesome yeah no it was enlightening i was like that's very funny i think every question i've ever asked is just to be polite just to check off my curiosity and what's going on i have to do this yes yes it's very rare that like and then and then when there is something interesting you

you can tell because i'll be i'll ask you a thousand questions i want to know more tell me everything but you know otherwise it's just like can we just you know watch the game or whatever you know you can tell me about anything i i'm bad i'm bad listener you're a good listener and like you but you're also good at like just fucking letting the person be yeah the uh what was it oh there's something about that the other day here where nate was like you knew that why didn't you tell me and i was like why would i tell you he's like he's like i don't know like to talk and i was like no it doesn't matter it was eric and he's like you do that yeah it's like that does not behoove me at all yeah i was like why would i tell you that he's like i don't know so we i can know like yeah what i was like i didn't ask to know someone told me why nate wants things for him and he's

like why didn't you give me what i want because i'm not thinking about what you want i don't give a fuck just thinking about sitting here just leave me alone that's why that alone together notion that we talked about all those years ago is the best thing in the world when you can find somebody that you can chill with and like you're playing video games while they're scrolling their phone or you're watching something but you're kind of watching it and you're kind of doing other things and it's okay you don't have to talk you don't have to be engaged you don't have to be locked in it's just like we are just each other's company a couple laughs here and there a couple thoughts here and there every now and then we do make sure you know we we are just each other's company. A couple laughs here and there. A couple thoughts here and there. Every now and then we do make sure we focus on each other. But for the most part, just hang out with me.

It doesn't seem that hard. And it apparently is a lot harder than you'd think. I don't know. But alone together is the vibe. Okay. One more quick one, I guess. Okay. I don't know about this one but do you have who's someone who's public or whose relationship has changed your public perception of them any celebrities or anything uh easy one right at the head is kelsey i was not the biggest

travis kelsey fan um but that was a slow change. Taylor was. That's a good answer. You changed. You flipped on him. Taylor was the cherry on top. But, like, that was a progression. It was one, Gronk retiring. It was like, okay, the comparisons are stopping. It was just like, Gronk's clearly better. And then his podcast.

And I'd see clips. And I was like, oh, he's kind of like a cool, like. I also think just, like, he was young in his 20s. Like i there were a million things i did in my 20s where i was a fucking douchebag and like i was trying to be someone also there was just like the only things were like the douchebag thing as you get older and as you're there's more shit out there about you it's like oh he was cool that time yeah for the first five years and seemed you know all you know what i mean it's just like i think there was a while he really wanted to be gronk and then i think he kind of grew into his own person.

And the plot class comes up, like, oh, he's a pretty cool dude. Oh, he's that. And then Taylor was like, okay, if Taylor likes him, I mean, he's got to be kind of fucking rad. I would say that's probably the biggest one. I think – Harvey Weinstein's up there. I think Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly would be an answer for a lot of people.

Yeah. I think a lot of people either liked them individually or in the beginning liked them together. And then were like, enough of these two. Shut the fuck up. I know that. That was definitely for me. Right now, for sure, Ariana Grande for me. Yeah.

That's a – I bet a lot of people have that answer because she's just – she doesn't give a fuck. Yeah. She just wrecked that home and made a song like, why do you care whose dick I'm on? Oh, wow. Yeah. I don't even know. There's times where I'm like, I respect it. Like, you fucking – like, fuck these people.

Do what you want. But then there are times I'm like, I don't know. That seems like a bit much. Probably should have let that one lie. Is that Yusuf Arangade? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, her new song is like, why do you care who's DM on? And it's like, well, because you knew her and her baby.

You held her child and hung out with them. I think I saw a tweet that just said, it's important to remember, Ariana Grande is first and foremost from Florida. She is? I didn't know that until that tweet. The music video was dumb. I hated it. It was way too cheesy. I think that's a girl who was told or came

up with her own idea of I'm going to lean into it and push back. I think sometimes it's better to take the high road or apologize or disappear for a little while. Whatever it is where less is more, I think that would have been the answer there. But some people want to always fight

back. Her and Selena Gomez are a good example of the high road is just always the better road. Always. Sometimes it's hard to take that advice, but it's always you can't go wrong with not with doing nothing.

You know? Yeah. Like if you make a comment, if you write a comment, if you put up a post, if you make a video, if you clap back, if you – that sometimes can go right, sometimes can go wrong. Certain times I think you have to stick up for yourself, but most of this shit is just gossip and stupid things. But you can never go wrong with just like I am above this and I'm not talking about it. Whether you are or not playing that card of like pretending I'm above it and I'm not going to talk about it. Like you might even catch heat in the beginning. Why are they being quiet?

Like, oh, like their silence is deafening sort of thing. But eventually it will be like, oh,'t they don't engage in the bullshit you know even like in life that's how i know like i'm i'm doing well i guess is if somebody says something and in my head i'm like they're wrong or they have me wrong they're like trying to pin me as something and then i'll i'll just quietly kind of be like whatever but like right now for example like everybody is pissing me off everybody's pissing me off. Everybody is pissing me off. And I have been on my petty shit where it's like I will – I just can tell I'm not my best self because I'm like – Oh, because you're replying and shit? I'm not taking the high road.

I'm specifically being passive-aggressive. And it's just not the right way to go. I can tell. go well but sometimes you gotta get it out i do understand that like you can't just you can't eat everything and like just let everything eat at you yeah but the the real truth and this is why anytime what what what happened recently oh joe budden and drake when drake responded to joe budden it was like what he said to joe budden was like pretty and cutting, but everyone was kind of like, the mere fact that you wrote this means he wins.

And like, because it truly, when you are truly above something, you do not respond to it. If a fucking, if a FNG little king of an 11-year-old says some shit to me,

like, you wouldn't respond to a child, right? You would just be like, I'm above this. That's just silly shit. When someone says something that gets you to engage, it's like it is by definition a little bit of an automatic L where it's like – because you really – I'm contrary to myself because I also have said before, if you want to punch back, I don't care about punching down. I don't care. You want to reply to someone, that's your right to do it. But you're absolutely – when you are like on a yacht in Saint-Tropez just chilling, you don't reply to these things.

You don't even see these things and it's all – it's just not even in your world on your radar. The minute that it is, it's like you's like you're coming down to that level. And I think you can tell the people who are actually above it versus the people who are trying to be above it. But it really is the definition of like this is not affecting me. To be clear, are you talking about personally or professionally? Personally. What do you mean?

Hating everybody. Oh, not you guys. personally or professionally? Personally. What do you mean? Hating everybody. Oh, not you guys. No. Personally. Oh, my God. I felt a little pointed for a second. No, no. I was like, everybody.

Everybody. We did think you'd come in on MLK Day. No, no, no. I'm specifically talking about friends. I wouldn't have told you guys if I thought about you guys. I would have lied about it to you. I'm agreeing with you. I'm going through the same thing.

I think it's like an age thing. Maybe it's like a middle 20s thing. It's also almost the full moon, according to Key. We actually have like 10 more days. I think there's probably something to... You guys are actually all up in my book. We're all up?

You guys are up in my book, I would say. What were you down for? That was such a chick thing. That means I was say. Well, that's all I'm asking. What were you down for? No, I'm... Can you just fucking... That was such a chick thing. That means I was down. What an asshole. Just fucking take the compliment. Shut the fuck up. I'm also off my anxiety medication.

Oh, yeah. It's age. It's the moon. Never mind. I'm not fixing my fucking O's and ones. No, my chemistry is all... Well, let's go back to the beginning. It's all just chemicals.

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So you get one breakfast item per box as long as your subscription is active. So you get your lunch meals, you get your dinners, and then they'll always throw in one free breakfast meal for the rest of your life. That's breakfastforlifeathellofresh.com slash KFC free, code KFC free. What's up, guys? This voicemail is going to get a little vulgar, not my usual style, but I recently had coronavirus this time around. The main symptom was high velocity, extreme intensity, extreme intensity extreme force diarrhea pretty much constant for a few days never-ending stream and at one point i swear to you i saw it i saw coronavirus it came out of my butt in the form of diarrhea the virus itself after that felt fine begs the question do you guys think you can poop out

coronavirus viva jesus christ the answer is yes i mean you can poop out everything lately you could you could be sick with something and get rid of it by shitting it no matter what anything just shit that cancer out i'm i'm i'm a firm believer in sweating, shitting, puking things out, which I don't think that's like – That's not a surprise. I think there's science to that. When I'm sick, I just get in a sauna. I'll be fine in a day. It doesn't always work.

It's the same idea of getting up and sweating out your hangover. Yeah. Even if it's a placebo effect, you feel like you're getting it out you know yeah like but there also might be some literal i i mean last night i laid in the sauna that's probably why i feel better today last night i was with the person i felt healthy enough to sit in a sauna well it also i i i think actually is dehydrating you too though so. So it's actually, if you do it like wrong, I think it's actually. Yeah, I drink water in there. Yeah, but that's what I mean.

But like if you don't, you go in a sauna or I remember when Martin Lawrence like 30 years ago went running in 108 degrees in a fucking. Was that Martin Lawrence? Yeah. Yeah. And he like almost killed himself. The, I think that was Eddie Murphy. But Eddie Murphy. The other one.

What? The other one. No, I meant the other one. What? The other one. No, I meant the other one, like, with the transvestite. I just meant, like, the other L.A. story. That's a funny joke. Yeah, I think definitively forcing things out of your body will get – you can get – Have you ever had like a 24-hour bug where you're like, I'm going to die? Like coming out of both ends just like –

Not really actually. Oh my god. It is – it's like truly – it's like I was like if I throw up one more time, I'm calling and I'm going to the hospital. Like I can't do this alone. Like I need an IV or something. I can't – I'm calling. I'm going to the hospital. I can't do this alone. I need an IV or something. I can't. I don't think I'm going to survive this. Yeah, I had food poisoning like six months ago, and I was like, good thing I don't own a gun.

Yeah, right, right. That's what I mean. Like if you chose – if there was an out, if there was – choose death right now, I would take death. I enjoy it. The ones I've had, I don't need. What do you think the most you've ever like thrown up or shit in a day is not that much see that's the thing when you have it when you're like you know when you throw up and you feel good like you're like okay i got it yeah usually usually one time and you're good like for most things i don't know you eat something wrong

or you have a hangover like you purge and your body's like, okay, we're good. And then it just ramps back up and you're like, fuck. When that happens like ten times, when you're like, if this happens an eleventh time, I think I'm calling the police. I don't know what to do. Yeah, it's truly like that. There's nothing left in my body, but it's just more retching. Your abs are sore. You're just getting spit. It's like you're physically – oh, my God.

I'm giving myself the chills like thinking about it. It is – and then if it's coming out of both ends, it's like a double Barbossa. It's trouble, man. You don't know what's going on. It's like – It's so funny. Before we started recording, Jackie was talking about a new podcast she's listening to. It's just so nice to not have –

The first thing is like you you know you could dump out corona this was particularly even yo like i i think about this show like i kind of said it earlier we are what we are we don't put on airs we don't pretend to be anything else but we have grown we have evolved i went i've listened to some old episodes where i'm like oh my god this was. This was exclusively about, like, poop and girls. But sometimes every now and then you've got to keep it real. One of our main guys gets so sick, he's, you know, puking and shit until he dies. We've got to talk about it. Dude, there's an episode of The League from a long time ago when I was young

and I was, like, trying to figure figure trying to learn about life a little bit and Rafi is the sober driver and he's hammered. And they're like, what the fuck, Rafi? You're supposed to drive us home. He goes, yeah, I'm just going to go crap out the booze. I'll be fine. And I heard that and I've taken that

with me for my whole life. If I wake up still drunk, I'm like, I'm just going to take a shit. I'll be fine. There's a reason why the the shower shave is a thing. It's like a shake. You're like a snake shedding its skin. It's like a rebirth. I do that every morning. We kind of love it.

I wake up about 70%, shower, I'm good to go. Elevate the status a little bit. Miss the most important part, blowing the nose in the shower. Blowing your nose in the shower. Lately, it's been crazy, bro important part, blowing the nose in the shower. Blowing your nose in the shower. Lately it's been crazy, bro. I will blow my nose in the shower. I'm like, that weighs a couple pounds. It's so gross.

I'm like pushing out little aliens out of my nose. Dude, that's only on Mondays. There was a – it was like a YouTube pre-roll ad sort of thing. I don't remember the name of the company. And it's some sort of like probiotic or something like that. And they were like, at any given moment, a human body will have between 4 and 20 pounds of shit in it. It's a shit, but they're human waste or whatever. And I was just sitting there thinking, I'm like, do I have 20 pounds of shit that would be fucking terrible that'd be fucking awful it's disgusting when you blow your nose and

you lose a pound out of your fucking nostrils dude you're gross it's like this i have to listen to like five more times do you blow your nose like you know what your girls are you blow your nose in the shower yeah well i didn't i didn't. I didn't. So then shut up. I didn't used to, and then my, like, freshman year roommate used to do it, and then I was like, I'm going to try that. It's just, like, easier, especially because my nose is, like, after the scarring. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, yeah. Do you pee in the shower?

Sometimes. What? Sometimes. Yeah. It does feel, it's like a crazy sensation as a girl to be like, I could just stand up and do this. That's true. That's very different. That's why I would do it all the time if I was a girl.

Yeah. It's the one time I get to do it. It's just going everywhere. It doesn't matter. I actually sit down to pee in the shower. That would be funny. Changing places. Jackie, I've been watching a lot of Botched.

Oh. That shit, man. Some of those people. I was hearing. their noses and their fucked up things. This one guy, he lost half of his stomach. It was just missing. And they just recreated with a stomach tummy tuck lift. And he just walked out of there with a normal stomach. My first thought when you said he lost half of his stomach, I was like, lucky.

There was this woman who had empty nose syndrome where she had a botched nose job where they took out – they're called turbinates. Turbinates? They're like turbans basically, like in your nose that do something like add humidity to the air, right? And she had a botched nose job where they took those out and these doctors were like there's no there is no fix for this like we can't you might we might not be able to do anything for you you might just have to live with this for the rest of your life and in the end he was like i i am the only doctor like on the planet that has come up with this like this this uh technique to like fix it maybe and and you are a candidate, so we're going to try it. But I've only done it to 10 people in the world. But there are times where they'll just be like, nah, that doctor fucked it up too much.

See you later. Suicide rates are crazy high for that too. If you have open nose syndrome. Yes. Suicide rate is crazy high. Really? Yeah. I remember Chris DiStefano was talking about this.

So this empty nose syndrome, you don't get – so there's no humidity when you breathe. And apparently that – you just constantly have the feeling of I'm running out of air. I would absolutely kill myself. If every second you were just like, I can't – I'm not getting enough air. You can't live that way. You can't live that way. It's just like see you fucking later. Is it common?

No, it's like you have to basically get a fucked up surgery I think. I think something goes wrong during a nose job. I don't think it's just like you just get it. But you – and like I guess this doctor is like the only one in the world who can fix it. But if you have that, I mean that and like anybody – if you is like the only one in the world who can fix it but if you have that I mean that and like anybody if you have like the hardcore tinnitus where you just have like ringing in your head all the time

yeah can't breathe any of those I would be out I was telling Pavs like I do want you guys to prepare I'm gonna get lip injections again in a little bit oh we gonna make fun of you it's I do want you guys to prepare for me to look like you're a cartoon character.

But that's the point. Oh. Is it permanent? Well, wait. I'm gonna start getting a lot of other shit done. So wait, when you first go, they're like huge. And then they kind of settle, right? Or no, you want them to just be huge? No, I want them to be big. Well, I'm not gonna get them big, but I'm saying I'm gonna get lip injections, and then

I'm gonna start getting Botox. And I'm gonna start be big. Well, I'm not going to get them big, but I'm saying I'm going to get lip injections, and then I'm going to start getting Botox, and I'm going to start looking fake. But that's the point. Bro, let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. I want to look like a bitch. Have you noticed that probably over the last 15 years that just every single girl looks like Kim Kardashian? Mm-hmm.

They just all try to look like her. I want that. No. Give want that. No. Give me that. No. No. Don't do that.

I think you should do it. Get your fucking lips down to your fucking forehead. Yeah. No. I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm going to go... We're going to go do my eyebrows. Okay.

I was going to wait until the summer. Oh, dye them? I don't want to microblade them because I've heard that last for like two to three summer. I don't want to microblade them because I've heard that last for like two to three years. I don't want that, but I'll dye them. Can I just bring in my eyebrow pencil next? No, well, we can do whatever you want.

I want to do like a funny video though, so I want something to be a little more dramatic than that. I mean, I'm envisioning like Uncle Leo. You're going to spin me around. But I was thinking to myself, I'm going to wait till the summer i said the other day i said i want to wait till the summer when it's at its worst and uh my sister went and i was like what it's already at its worst because i didn't realize they're going gray too so like this is this i think i don't know

you tell me i think this is pretty much as bad as it gets. So we might as well do it now. They're going great, and I think I'm losing some of it. So I got no eyebrows. So I think going to a place to do a before and after would be pretty funny content. And maybe I'll look better. I would think so. I don't know. We'll find out.

I think I might look silly. But I'll also have a normal human face. So we'll find out. I think I might look silly. But I'll also have a normal human face. So we'll find out. But technically, my eyebrows, like I have like a little bit of hair. Like my eyebrows just kind of go like this. Really? Like just very little, but like they're there. So technically, I need an eyebrow transplant.

They need to take them from here and put them there. And then I'd be fine. But yeah, you get your lips done. I'll get my eyebrows done. Okay, cool. Let's okay cool let's go when are you starting let's go girl um whenever i can afford the did you did you see what happened to bobby altoff oh my god i bought what i bought four watches this weekend on accident i didn't need four watches. What kind of watches? Like little gold ones like this. Like Amazon or like real watches? No, like vintage.

Oh, jeez. Whatever. Did you go shopping with them or did you buy them online? I went shopping and then I just was like, I came back with four watches. I was like, I didn't need more than one watch. I got four of them. And I was like, all my money. Whatever.

So I had to wait for the lip injections. Did you see what happened to Bobby Othoff's face when she got injections? No. What? She got like Botox and, you know, whatever else injected. And it was like a disaster. Really? She like couldn't move her face.

And she was like, I, she like openly talked about it. She was like, I went and got injections. It was like having my glow up. And like, I hate it. And I like, I went and got injections. I was having my glow up. And I hate it. And I look ridiculous. And I feel stupid. No, I don't think it was surgery. But, well, yeah.

You see that top picture of her? Her face turned into a joker, kind of. And she was all bruised up. And she had to go to a bachelorette party. And she went from a pretty girl to trying to look like fucking Kim Kardashian looking like an asshole. And she had to get them removed. Yeah, you can get it just dissolved. The filler was dissolved, yeah.

I've had Botox. I had it fine. You had it in your forehead, right? Yeah. Yeah. We've all had work done here. Listen, I'm a proponent of getting getting whatever you want done you've technically had botox too yeah yeah fuck it but i also

no i just don't think you should do it to look like one of those girls i know i know i know i i'll probably reel it back but go watch that. Watch that second clip there. That I'm not saying right now. I'm saying that TikTok sensation shares her struggle. She was like, this is the worst fucking thing that ever happened to me. Watch that first. The lip injections. Like you guys, when I do it, you guys can give me an honest opinion and then be like, get them dissolved. And if I look too crazy, then I'll get them dissolved.

But if not, the lip injections. I'll get them bigger. I'll get them bigger. Until they scare you and you're like, take it down. Yeah. The ones I've seen, they start out like... Well, it looks crazy. Do you guys remember the last time I got them?

Yeah, kind of. I thought you got them the other day. I thought you got them yesterday. No fucking way! That's why I was like, what's going on with you? I said something. I didn't want to say, like, what's up with your face. You're fine, Jackie.

But I said something and you were like, what do you mean and i was like i don't know you just look different i forget what i said but there was something yesterday where i was like i think i think because he looks concerned a lot of this time when we talk this light is on me yeah and it's hard to like see i'm like looking at a star where it's like trying to see you and like bro you know what i do i just look at their feet i can't see them at all so i have to check i say is it pabs or jackie i look at their feet and see can't see them at all. So I have to check. I say, is it Pabst or Jackie? I look at their feet and see their shoes. I can't because you're just completely behind the television. So when you talk, I usually just like look up and I'm just like the voice of God.

I think, by the way, you know, might not be the best for, you know, if you don't like the mob wife look. So true. But if I lean into the porn star look. Okay. We're back on track. We'll see. We'll do like a poll, a public poll. Just don't do it like crazy.

Why do you have to go so crazy? Just get like a little bit of injection. It's an addiction. It really is. Yeah, it really is. It really is. And it's like you look awful and people are like, I look great. It's botched.

You're botched. You're going to end up botched. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the goal. That's the goal. What's up, KFC, F Fight, Jackie, everybody in the studio? I have a hypothetical, but I have to give a story for a little bit of context. So back in college, I was on the dating apps, and I matched with this girl who was Asian.

And I had never gone out with a girl of that ethnicity before, so I was down pretty bad. I shot my shot, somehow landed, get her number, we start texting and set up a date for that weekend. The night before, me and the boys were just getting absolutely piss drunk and hanging out, and I get a text message at like midnight from this girl. And all it says is, hey, I have something that I need to tell you. And if you don't want to see me

after I tell you this, I completely understand. Oh my God. So I might be wasted, but my mind's already racing. I'm like, what could it be? I'm getting scammed, whatever. They're just going to drop me a link. Or maybe they're a catfish. They look nothing like their pictures. Maybe

they got a dick. That's where I went. Who the fuck at that time? Who knows? But with the alcohol comes confidence. I said, you know what? Just let it rip. I'm sure it won't be a problem. I'd still love to see you. Silence. 20 minutes, 30 minutes.

It's somewhere around 1 a.m. I get a response from them. They go, so I it's hard to say, but I only have one hand. Like, are you kidding me? That's it? I was expecting something far worse. I'm like, nah, come on down. She drives over, have a great night. Haven't talked to her since.

That all being said, my question for everyone in the studio is, what's your cutoff point? Literally. I mean. Arm, leg, both. Anyways, love the project. It's small of me to say. You couldn't?

I think I need to date a whole person. It is. I wish I wasn't this way if i'm being completely honest i think it's something i'm stunned that's your answer it was not but i also i also could see another side of you because i think i'd have fun with it i think i'd be making fun of your stump i'd be playing with your stump i think we'd be like playing pranks on like the waiter at the restaurant like let's fuck with him. Pull your hand out. You know what I mean?

Do little tricks and shit. I think I'd have fun with one hand. I just have to – if I was your friend first, I could – I got to date a whole person. It's an unbelievable life. I like – I don't know. Honestly, if you go back, if you're watching, if you go go back to just what my face was like when we were seeing the botched stuff. Yeah, you can't handle that. I can't see like – because all I think about is –

Would you rather date a pretty girl with one hand or like let's say you're dating someone and they get botched, like they have a fucked up nose now or some shit like that? Hand for sure. they get botched, like they have a fucked up nose now or some shit like that? Hand, for sure. But it honestly doesn't even, it's not just women. I have a buddy with one arm and I'm like, put that thing away from me, dude. Technically, it is away from you. He's like, put your

fucking arm on, man. It just, it's, I don't know. I think I just think of it happening to me and I can't – Well, what about you, Jackie? Could you date someone with one leg? Yes. No fucking way because your anxiety would be through the roof.

You'd be like thinking about it all the time. Yeah. It'd be – yeah. I would – But if Jacob Elordi had one leg, what would you do? Like if I – Hop on that stump, girl. Yeah.

I don't know. I can't think about it. I don't know. It's just – yeah. I'm kind of like Jackie. Absolutely not. I'm on the whole person, man. I was just like –

You guys are all scumbags. I would just be like kind of sick the whole time to myself thinking of it happening to me. Yeah. I don't – when I look at it – What is wrong with you freaks? even when it's like healthily healed like i don't look at it i don't see i don't feel a healthily healed limb i feel like gore and and gruesome and you guys are well i i don't think like i think i would totally be fine with it if i didn't have this weird like um you have like a weird obsession a weird like whatever but like I don't think it's gross

or anything I just think it's like the world feels like it's caving in when I think about it too hard you know what I mean yeah that's why you would have like an anxiety attack these two motherfuckers over here they have their hand discs their limbists

I get to see myself four years in being like, can you open this jar for me? I'm like, God fucking damn it. No, you can't. You could just do this yourself if you had another hand. No, no, no. Because those people, you ever see them, man? I mean, I guess it depends on when you lose your hand or your arm.

But there's a kid playing basketball. Emmanuel Sanders, I think is his name. Is he in college now? He can hoop. I think he's playing college basketball. I don't know if it's D1. Yeah, for every Jim Abbott, there are 100 Kenny Open this for me. I guess, but I don't know.

I feel like people Hansel Emmanuel, that's his name. Come on. Who's this? No, his name's Hansel Emanuel, that's his name. Come on. Like – No, I mean, his name's Hansel? The guy with one arm? Hansel Emanuel? That's a little on the nose, yeah. Like, kid can hoop, man.

And he just has this, like, you know, his jersey just hanging off the one shoulder. It's not that I don't respect you as a person. It's that I can't be in the same room as you. I think you don't respect him as a person. It's that I can't be in the same room as you. I think you don't respect him as a person. I think you think you're better than these people. I think you think you're better than this kid. And I think this kid's way better than you. Look at him.

Can you do this? No, look at this. Look at that. That kid is wet. You think you're better than that. You think you're better than that. I think God smiled more upon me Than anyone born without a limb

Bro Rewind that That's just definitively the truth If God was making a person I'm going to give this one all of the stuff And this one half the stuff He likes the one with all the stuff more Watch this kid number 12

Who gets posterized Look how scared he is Bro If a one armed guy is just screaming at your face Watch this kid number 12 who gets posterized. Not posterized, but look how scared he is. He's like, what are you? What are you? Bro, if a one-armed guy is just screaming at your face like that, look how it shakes a little bit. Imagine having to play this kid during the COVID year. You got to play masks, by the way.

The other kid's got one arm. What the fuck? Bro, rewind that. Look how it jiggles. Yeah, that. Kind of wiggles right there. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that thing.

But like he's better than you, bro. 100%. And like if some smoke – if everything was there except you just had a wrist at the end, I am – I'm all good, babe. But you do have to do what she did. You do have to, you know, classic prepare for the worst. Yeah. Be like, I have something that most men will not be comfortable dating. And immediately you're thinking this girl has a dick.

And then when it's like, oh, you only have one hand? Whatever, babe. Come on over. Bro, forcing this guy to the left is so fucking hard. But, like, he kind of can do it, like, anyway. Yeah. It's like... It's like a hate crime.

I just... Like, we go four on the right. Even the Dave video of the guy carrying the thing with his arm. Yeah. That even, like, I can't watch that video. Yeah, it gets a little bit... It's a little scary movie with my good hand and my little hands. I get it. I just don't think... It would be... It's not a little bit. It's a little scary movie with my good hand and my little hands. I get it.

I just don't think it would be – it's not a deal breaker. It could certainly break the deal. It's just not an automatic deal breaker. Yeah. It sounds like it's an automatic for you scumbags. It probably is. You guys are going to find some beautiful girl. She's perfect.

She teaches kindergarten. She's helping the youth of America. She's pretty. She's perfect. She teaches kindergarten. She's helping the youth of America. She's pretty. She's smart. She's going to have a terrible accident at the deli with a slicer. You guys are going to leave her in the gutter. Fucking asshole. It says more about me than it does about you.

I promise you that. I acknowledge that. But it ain't working. It is good to know. It is good to know, though. It's like I can't stand your laugh we're breaking up right yeah sometimes you got to just pick the thing and know that we're not going to make it babe so i might be shallow it might not be cool but i am out and your stump is then like i'm

saving like there are things they're way worse things about me than a stump that they just take longer to uncover right so right everybody listen everybody has a stump yeah it's just what is your stump now would you rather have no like one foot one like what's the worst limb to to be missing foot no no what's best what's best yeah you know put on clothes or whatever that kind of hides it. It's a bad time to be off my anxiety medication. Alright, one more

waste of time and we're done. KFC, fights, rest of the gang. Listen, I'll make this quick. Just a quick question. Have you ever heard somebody say something that was very small, but once you heard it, it was like a light bulb went off. Like, you can't believe you never thought of it.

And not only that, but it, like, affects your life moving forward or affects the way you do things. For example, fights. Buddy, you've changed my life, okay? Every morning when I get in the shower, I think of you. Now, I know this excites you, but hear me out. I now blow i get in the shower i think of you now i know this excites you but hear me out i now blow my nose in the shower no way and it was like i can't believe i've never done this you know i hear you say it on a podcast i don't know months ago at this point and it was like an epiphany all right like i wake up every morning i'm congest, and I'm congested. Dude. I never have a tissue nearby.

I'm grabbing paper towels, rubbing my nose roll. And then I hear you say this, and at first, I'm like, man, that's gross. But then I thought about it. You might have a point. So I give it a shot. Oh, and it changed me. Oh, and it changed you. Not every morning.

I get in the shower. Blow my nose. All right? I get out. I'm clean. I'm clear clear i'm ready to attack today and that's all because of you buddy i bet you this happens a lot with podcasts yeah i think the the biggest i think uh effect that podcast has it's like you know it was it's like a revolution in entertainment and comedy and all this shit. Like far-lasting effects, right?

But I think the main thing is the amount of shit like that or like when you find out that a bunch of other people are doing the same thing as you or find out that you learned something new. Like it's just a way to connect with other random people. You know what I mean? In a weird way where it's like I would have never heard this conversation or I would never have connected with these listeners. And that all eventually go like now we all blow our nose together. Shit like that I think is what – I think why podcasting works because of those kind of moments. I don't know if I have them though. I feel like we've probably given them out over the years unknowingly. The one that I've given out, and I mentioned it fairly recently, is if I know I'm going out with a girl,

I used to always clip my nails. I do not do that anymore. Why not? It takes like two days for your nails to get rounded and if they're still sharp, it's not. Oh, so you're saying that clipping, it actually

makes it sharper. Yeah. And you learned that from a podcast. Yeah. I learned that on the internet somewhere. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. But the –

You got to be finger banging safely. When you're doing your finger banging, it's got to be – I'm not doing any scratching. Yeah. Yeah. That is – I mean a lot of people – Did you fuck a cat last night? I don't know about this one.

I don't know if I have an answer. I mean, I have a million. I've said them all, but, like, I don't eat almonds because almonds make you hungrier. That's not true. But someone told it to me. I guess those do fall under the same. You can only process 30 grams of protein every hour. But these are just lies that you believe as opposed to like learning something. There's no right or wrong to blowing your nose in the shower.

It's just like something that you came across and it's like, wow, I do this now. I think you're good with food, like the spicy peanut butter and jelly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People will be like, that's disgusting. And then it's like cream cheese with the bacon pretty good pretty good don't knock it till you try it um do you have one i'm almost more interested to learn of other ones that people have if if if you have a story like this guy something that we or any podcast has changed about you.

I'm interested in hearing the ones from the KFC radio listeners. I don't know because I don't think I have. I think I'm a pretty stubborn Irish Mick. I just do what I do no matter what. All right, so let us know. Anything that you might have changed after just hearing a little thing. That's so crazy that it was. I mean, podcast serendipity.

Simulation. Glitch in the simulation. I think what this comes down to is, despite everything about me, I'm a person of God. And you are. You're a man of science. You're a person of science. And you are God's favorite. Give you all the limbs. I believe in

faith and spirituality, whereas you are numbers and technical. It's like the movie last time. But science and religion are always coming closer and closer together. That's what they say. Yeah.

Oh my god, don't even get me started. Yeah. Alright, it was Jake Johnson on the podcast. One of the best to do it. Yeah. Oh, my God. Don't even get me started. All right. It was Jake Johnson on the podcast. One of the best to do it. Just an absolute fucking delight every time. I think this might have been his best appearance. And he's got a new podcast out himself now.

And you can tell he's awesome at it. He's so cool. Is that Tom Cruise story? Tom Cruise story is amazing. The bears? The cubs? He has a segment, I'll call it. And this might even be something he's written before because it didn't sound like it was totally off the top of his head. But he has this explanation of sports and love that is life-changing yeah i was like this is this is

poetry this is amazing this put that clip on youtube man like jake johnson explains love and sports all at once it was amazing bro what is that uh statue you got there this guy here used to be a lamp but when i was uh in high school we lived near a salvation army and it was the my first like salvation army purchase and i took all the inside of it out and just have kept it over the years and then when i built this little office i'm like all right but you've been carrying that thing with you since high school every person i've ever lived with has always hated it every woman i've ever been with has hated it i'm not it's kind of creepy yeah yeah uh when i was when i was in my high school i bought it at like it was the first thing that you know like when you're like 15 16 what's up john how you

doing buddy what's up babe how you doing good man uh it was the first thing that i saw in like a a place where i said like 30 bucks i can own a lamp so i bought it plugged it in and i was like i'm a fucking lamp owner and i'm an adult i'm a real human and my mom was like that's the weirdest thing i've ever seen. I mean, it is. We're talking about the statue or the lamp over his shoulder there. It's like a fisherman, Hemingway. He's a bad dude, man. Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. Look at those eyebrows, man.

The beauty of this guy is, you know, when I was in New York in my early 20s and living with my girlfriend at the time in a tiny little studio, there's no place to put it but by the bed. And she would have moments where she's like, the fuck are we doing? And I'm like, I've got one pair of jeans, three shirts, no money, and that guy. Yeah, but he's not like, you know, my wife, we got a cabin up near yosemite and she convinced me for a while she was like this is a perfect home for that weird sculpture and i'm like you're right and then i'm like no no because we're not up there a lot you're hiding his weird ass he's with me she didn't make you put it in the uh in the shed uh well for a little bit it was in the shed but

now this is the new shed i built a little office oh so now she's like yeah she's like nobody comes in here but me so she's like perfect and then he used to be here but i'm like let's give this fucker some shine put him in the back of every zoom does he does he have a name you just he's just the guy he's just he's just always been there uh and i just love this son of a bitch is there any is there any deeper meaning or you're just like i you know it's it's not like i'm remembering when i was no it's just like i bring this weird thing with me everywhere no it's i don't view it like the eyes in gatsby right he's not the eyes of god you know when i've gotten too stoned when i was younger i was like dude there's something to this thing nope just a sculpture well it reminds

me john john once uh would you steal a cigar store indian no it was it looked like that but it was from a a quote-unquote haunt it was a house that was like on campus of my high school that everyone had like lore that it was haunted and i took a girl on a date to break into it and we stole like this yeah this like statuesque indian type deal and we put it in my buddy's room who like freaked out he thought he was like dude i was hearing voices i was wondering what it was and i was like oh i put like that a thing i stole from that haunted house in there and he's like what the fuck man so then i was like i'll take it back my bad i didn't want to fuck with you that bad but then my i was gonna put it back again and i got a car accident during that so i was like

and so what'd you do with it i uh well actually hey let me leave this room real quick um my honor now you're hearing now you're switching over to pads this computer i think oh this thing's been a nightmare there we go okay uh so then i i um i kept it again with for like years thinking like i'm still gonna i'm still gonna get him with this one day and i kept it again with for like years thinking like, I'm still going to, I'm still going to get them with this one day. And I kept it in my parents' garage. And then one day he came over after high school, after everything. And I was like, dude, by the way, look what I still got. And I threw it to him and he tripped on his own feet and then cut his hand

open. And I was like, oh, this is crazy. You know, you should make a comedic version of annabelle you should just and it should be about a couple of dudes in high school they bring you know they steal this thing and it's fucking cursed and they keep giving it to and everyone's like all jokes aside i just had a baby keep that fucking doll away from me and everybody who gets it life goes to shit and like that it actually i can see that being a character in self-reliance that guy yeah yeah totally oh yeah i think kind of because it

looks like biff whiff yeah it's got a little bit but even the the the concept of self-reliance feels like kind of what you just described where like it's this wacky scenario you're like yeah i mean i guess you tell me how does that come about because that feels like something where we have a a youtube series called answer the internet where everybody answers these wild hypothetical questions that are they come from reddit and all the corners of the internet and that feels like one of them like how long could you stay alive if people were trying to kill you know but you just took it and made it into a motion picture uh it's kind of my dream to be able to do just wacky shit like that how does that go from idea to the big screen uh well the you know the original idea was uh in japan they've been making reality shows

since the late 90s that are fucking wild and one of them was they took a guy who won it was a bunch of comedians and comedic actors you know pre-internet when everyone was like i just want to be famous i just want to be doing stuff i don't want a day job and they said like you won you were selected and he all the other ones were so jealous and he was celebrating and then they put him in an apartment and he was, you know, so happy he won. And then they take off all his clothes and he was a little less happy. And then they tell him that like, there's cameras all throughout and everything's bugged. And he's, you know, they're going to film him 24 seven. He was a little bit more freaked out.

And then he looked around and realized there was no food and there was no anything. And the only way he could get food or clothes and survive was to get newspapers and get coupons or win radio call-in shows. And they weren't nice about it. He started to starve and lose massive weight. And then like finally he wins like rice and he's so happy, but then he realizes he doesn't have pots and pans. So he's got to get pots and pans and the wilder it got, the funnier it was for the audience. I mean, if you're fucking sick in the head, look, I mean, what are we going to be doing in two years? Yeah, I know. But it is if you're fucking sick in the head look i mean what are we going to be doing in two years yeah but it is if you're sick in the head but the truth is when you know my friends and i started finding this back in i think it was the late 90s early 2000s right in that era we were all kind of

going i hate to admit it but i would watch yeah and so and also comedically as that guy, the crazier you get, the funnier it is for the audience. I was like, I like this idea. I was like, there's something here that I think is really fun. And then I started writing something up, and then years went by, then the pandemic hit. And all the themes of my original idea really felt pandemic-y, where you're all by yourself. You really miss people. You think people are trying to kill you. You think something from the outside is going to get you, but your neighbor thinks you're an idiot. I was up in Yosemite and I walked outside with the dogs and I had a mask on and I might've had goggles. And my neighbor up there, you know, who's like just a country guy, he had nothing.

And he and I were chatting and he goes like, don't be afraid, son. As soon as they get a Trump out of office, your pandemic is going to go away. I can't hear you because my ear holes are covered with masks. And I was like, oh, this is wild, man man we all have a different truth we're all scared uh and i thought that works for this so i wrote it up sent it to ali bell who used to work with ivan reitman i'd worked with her during uh that era and now she runs the lonely island with uh you know andy and uh yorma and akiva and those guys they read liked it, said, let's go try to raise some money. That's great. That is fun.

You're, you're so good at, too, at, at, at writing. I guess if your audience is me, you fucking nail it every time.

I don't need a lot. I don't need a lot. I'm not going after the number one seed. I just want a wild card spot. But you, we lose in the playoffs. Fuck it. We got to the playoffs. We have And if we lose in the playoffs, fuck it, we got to the playoffs.

We have a broken organization. But there are so many scenes in this movie because it is, it's like, it's such a wacky idea and it is so funny, but there are also so many like pointed moments. Like when you're on Natalie's porch and she's like, I just wanted to feel something or you and her on the, not fire escape, like the balcony. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tired of being alone.

It's, I'm saying this, but I'm watching that. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. What I really wanted to do with this movie and, you know, now that it's out, you know, it's done really well on Hulu, which has been really kind of nice, is that I just wanted to make a movie like the kind of movie that i would want to watch i feel like i've gotten really lucky in this game and that i'm still playing you know it feels like if you're a european undrafted athlete at a certain

point you go like i'm on my third contract right right it works and like my knees are shit and you know like i can't keep up with these kids, but like, I think I've got one more contract in me. And so I kind of felt like if I got a shot, I don't want to just make a romantic comedy and I don't want to just make a comedy comedy. I was like, this is the kind of movie that if I were 20, I would want to see, even if I don't land every aspect of it. I wanted to make a movie that was really manic, that tried to keep you away from your phone. I wanted every 10 minutes for there to be a new turn.

I wanted it to keep driving and keep driving. And even as I was going, I was like, you know, while we were editing, I didn't have a, this is the point of the whole movie. And this is what we're landing. And this is what you'll learn. I always kind of feel like it's choose your own adventure. Yeah. Somebody gets out of it and goes, you know, the part of the loneliness really meant a lot to me. And I,

I connected to that and somebody else goes, that movie was shit. It was just funny. I liked it. So both, right. Right. It's funny you say that. Cause I, I was, uh, I saw a Reddit thread. Yeah. It was all about, is any of it real or is it all in his head and then i i brought it up to john and john was like no it's it's i mean it's just a real movie it's happening but there was this discussion going on online that the whole thing might be he's mentally ill so to your point it's like whatever you guys to me i i feel like that's fun yeah yeah i never get you guys to whatever gets people talking about it after and what i my real hope more than anything with all these projects i'm realizing

now that i'm 45 years old is we're just trying to entertain a little bit we got in a real confusing era where a lot of us were like i guess we're also teachers yeah you know i was a fucking d minus student and referred to as the dumbest guy in the class. And I would have teachers look at me like, honest to God, Jake, I think you have shit for brains. But here I am going to teach the American public. It's like, no, no, no. How about this? You've given us a great opportunity.

Let's entertain as much as we can. And thanks for letting us fucking dance for you. That's it. If you could throw some nickels in as you walk by i appreciate it this is the definition of when people have that that tired discussion about uh what is cinema become it's only marvel movies and remakes and scorsese chimes in and it's the same retread argument all the time but what the what the the people are talking about are movies like this where it is it's an original idea it's it's written by you it's like it's just something new it's just an indie it's an indie

movie right here you go here it is if you know but here's the catch here's the catch in that argument uh in my opinion all of them are fucking great because we're not in a spot where we can only get three movies so if you like marvel movies they got plenty of them right disney every two weeks has a whole new franchise of them with like nine spinoffs and if you're like me and you don't follow them you go like what is this new made-up name that there's like not only 90 characters but it's the most popular thing on planet earth and if you're a film film scorsese guy he's still making three hour epics paul thomas anderson still making his gerwigs making huge studio ones and probably like another small one at some point yeah so you can get any flavor you want what are you mad about they asked

christopher nolan the question and he was like i made a a three hour movie about a scientist and everybody watched it. So, yeah, I think things are OK. Pretty good. You know, that's exactly right. They're like, is it dead? I'm like, well, considering we're at a fucking party where we're all eating and everyone's watching, it ain't dead. They go, when was the last movie made? And you go, you know, Hollywood makes three movies a year now.

Then it's dead. Yeah. Yeah. That's a great point. That's a great point. That is a great point. Uh, the, the topic of,

of the movie though, it is, is something, like I said, we've kind of debated things like that before. One of the, um, classic ones.

Have you ever heard of the death snail? No. Okay. Here's like, I like the name of that as a band in high school i would definitely be like they're more punk rock than me but i think i can out drink them and so there is a victory for me and my friends this might be a movie maybe maybe this is an idea you can turn into a movie okay

there is a snail regular snail as far as size and movement but it is highly intelligent and it is out to murder you all it has to do in order to kill you is touch you right gross it has like supreme intelligence so you know you and that the whole bet is how long do you think you could go before this snail would kill you? You think this chance forever, like you would go to bed at night and be fully confident that maybe that snail is not going to just crawl up your bed frame and touch you. Put that motherfucker in a box with screws on each corner. Now, if you said the mad silverback gorilla, now I'm in some trouble a snail you know what no one's ever

i was gonna say i've debated this a thousand times where people always say i get on a plane and i go to la and i'm like well then the snail just can't so get on a plane too and no it doesn't have it doesn't have arms it doesn't have legs you might be really intelligent but then it's gonna be like it's sitting in a box going like this. Aha, you've outwitted me. You can crawl up every corner of it, but I'll spend 10 straight hours with nuts and bolts, and I will drill into concrete. Then on top of it, I'll pour concrete over it. So you go, there's no getting out of this.

If that snail gets out, it has to be other than a snail to get out. And then it's a different equation. We've asked this question a lot. No one's ever said it seems like such the obvious answer. No one's ever said that snail. The movie is over. Okay. It's no longer a two hour motion picture.

It's a tick tock. It'll do way better on tick motion picture. It's a TikTok. Just put a box on top. It'll do way better on TikTok. You're probably right. What's crazy is what you do, you know, when there's a spider or whatever, you put a glass on top of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why we didn't think of that.

There are just certain ways to outwit. And then, you know, the scary thing would be something, you know, I was watching this great so i'm a big uh gorilla chimpanzee guy yes i mean not only a fan just cannot believe we live on the same planet and cannot believe how close they are to us and cannot believe that each of them have specific like personalities and moods and egos and we're like god we're so different then you watch like a doc on like a chimpanzee community and you're like that one's too jokey he'll never be the leader and i'm like the one who's kind of fat and lazy and i'm like oh but you tell me there's an angry chimp after me. I can't build a box strong enough to get that chimp to stay. He'll get out.

You think about the people who have over the years, like domesticated the chimps and then inevitably get their face ripped off. So I think the bubble story of Michael Jackson is one of the funniest stories and saddest of all time. And if you ever go deep on what happened to bubbles in the end, so you know, the story of little bubbles i mean i just jack mike jackson gets a little chimpanzee little champ and puts him in jackets and takes him on premieres feeds his little ass sushi makes him a big star right

this is real uh that little chimpanzee drinking champagne with mike jackson right so it's also never been around other chimps so if you're bubbles how do you see yourself right now we're getting deep now we're getting deep bubbles has straight up maids uh then bubbles gets a little bit older and a baby chimp is about the cutest thing on planet earth a five-year-old chimp is just a chimp, man. Not so cute anymore. So, you know, a little less cute, a little less attention from MJ. Attitude problems. Bubbles bites a couple people.

Bubbles acts up. Bubbles is out. Mike gets rid of Bubbles. He goes to some sanctuary. Bubbles is out. Mike gets rid of Bubbles. He goes to some sanctuary. Bubbles never recovers. Bubbles is, and it's all on Wikipedia. This is not a bar story where I'm lying. Bubbles gets suicidal.

Bubbles goes through a dark depression. Bubbles will not make friends with other chimps. Why? Because they're fucking chimps. Chimps. He's Because they're fucking chimps. Chimps. Really simple reason. You don't wear diapers.

You take dumps outside. You're a disgusting animal. I'm Mike Jackson's kid. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for the banana. Anybody got any sushi? How about a nice chilled Sapporo with it? So Bubbles goes a little bonkers uh gets really depressed and then has a turn i think it's down in tampa but he went to a new sanctuary made a friend finally a

companion and it said now bubbles is spending his now like if people come and visit bubbles doesn't want to see people anymore just wants to be a chimp but he spends his day with his one companion and painting and that's a true story really yes that's crazy i'll tell you what talk about though like the story my dream project is yeah i was gonna say i don't know if i want to be the voice of bubbles more more than anything on planet Earth. I went through a whole roller coaster there, man. I think I kind of think it's a happy ending in a way, though. Well, it's a who you really are ending. Yeah.

And in the end, there was like a whole thing where the people said Bubbles was really depressed because he was waiting for his family to come get him. And when visitors would come, he would get really excited. And it was like a whole thing because he was viewed as, you know, an accessory, but he's not, it's a highly intelligent creature.

And then he had to go, which what a realization. Oh my fucking God. I'm one of these chimps on the fucking tree. This is me. I'm you. Can I tell you the way it ends with him finding happiness in pain i don't know why my brain went here but you just told the story of george w bush the only beauty would be if there was footage of bubbles snorting cocaine and throwing fastballs

bubbles throughout the first pitch of game one of the world series but it is the ending when you talk about like you know george w was such a wild character and such a funny character to study without getting into politics but like just what a nut indigo people after it people after that he's painting and he's hated him well also like you know he was a party boy yeah like supposedly he was the most charming fun guy sure but he was the fucking ranger he owned a baseball team like he didn't get it all and then now he's just painting sailboats and they're like oh how cute yeah and like but you're right what a finish like that bubbles bubbles is up in those trees looking around and the first few years just hating these goddamn chimps honestly cannot believe

the injustice that he i can't believe my life i'm with you fucking animals and then that slow sad realization when they make a friend and the friend in its way goes like bubbles man you hey bubbles what and it bubbles yeah have you looked at your ass lately all the pigs on the outside man i don't look at it because i got a diaper. No one's coming to change it. Take that diaper off, my man. God, man. It's like, well, at least I'm going to paint. You can paint, Bubbles.

They're not good, but you can paint. And that's him holding on to the past. I just got told a story by one of our coworkers, Donnie, Kevin. He went to Uganda, and went on like a safari to to follow the chimps and and gorillas and they were told that you know it's very dangerous and all this stuff oh yeah and they finally stumble upon this uh i don't know what they're called pack and uh and the person's like okay like, like watch them over there. Like make sure, you know, don't, don't look them in the eye, all that stuff. And they're standing there watching this,

this, uh, gorilla community kind of live and, and trying to live in the quiet and they get attacked by African Hornets, the people. So there's no way. Yeah, dude. Okay. He has this on film, Kevin. The documentary's not out yet. And the guide is like, if you feel that, it's hornets. They're just biting you right now. We're going to have to run. Run as quickly and quietly.

Wait, but doesn't that spook the gorillas? That was their fear. What a nightmare. They're like, if we stay in here, you know, like the African killer bee hornets or whatever they were? If we stay in here, we're going to die. But if we run, we might spook them. This is incredible.

But we have to run. This is incredible. This is why I'm the king of the indoors, Jake. I sit on my couch and I watch TV, and it's because of stories like this you know what's not gonna happen to my couch no no silverback gorillas so this is why i like that story and this is why uh i've been teased by others around me a lot of times and i'll feel like i know i'm the maniac here but i'm not doing it

years ago i was doing press for a movie called Paperheart with Charlene Yee. And it was my first press tour, so I was really trying to have a good attitude. You know, just don't kick me off this train. I want this career, please. And they said, we're going to do a big cover story. I think it was for the LA Times or something. And they were like, we want Charlene and Jake. And I'm like, okay.

Not just the star, but like number four sneaks in the photo. I'm like, let's do it. Let me find a sweater. So I look nice, push my hair down. So I don't look like a fucking bum and let's get in the LA times. And they go, we're going to do it down at the zoo. And I was like, fun, you know, God bless. So we get down to the zoo. We're walking around. Who cares? I'm in charlene's a load of fun we're doing a lot of bits and then they say here's what we're gonna do we're gonna have you guys uh hop the fence and take the photo around a rhino and i go no no and they said this rhino has been raised since it was a baby in captivity it's it's like a cow and i go like a cow and a cow are different that's

what you know i wouldn't do it i wouldn't do it yeah you wouldn't do it no no of course not he's got a brain and here's why and i'm dying dying to see a silverback and then i'll see like some like random celebrity on instagram where i'll be like man you got out there and saw the silverback the reason i won't do it is i'm sitting out there i hiked my 12 hours i'm sitting there i'm like incredible you know that's a real silverback on the same rock as me this is incredible if that silverback decides the one with the nose i'm gonna tear apart as it's coming at me. All I'm going to think is I knew it. What an idiot. What a dunce. What a dunce.

And I'm like, that experience is not worth the turn. Even when the hornets were coming, I'd be like, why am I in the African bush staring at a gorilla while all it's trying to do is eat and live. Everything should kill me out here. Why am I here? Go on.

Go on Planet Earth. Watch the documentary, bro. You can see your silverbacks there. You know what? Spend that money. Get the best HD you can. Perfect. I would have taken that picture with the rhino.

It's a miracle I'm alive because I had taken that picture with the rhino. I'm a ball of clay and you just move me where you want and sure. If you were like, jump that fence and take a picture. Take a look at a rhino. If you just pronounce a rhinoceros, rhinosaurus, it's a fucking dinosaur. It's just a dinosaur that still lives today. We don't fuck with that thing. I agree.

I just saw this photo of a crocodile from some village that they just brought up. This crocodile must have been 40 feet long. Let's just call it what it is. It's been around for 40 million years. They're like, people keep disappearing in this village. I'm like, yeah, dinosaurs are savages. I think they're getting budged out. What do you expect that's going to happen?

You go near a dinosaur, you're going to be gone. What do you think is the most extreme thing you have done? Whether it's animals or have you done like an extreme sport? Have you, have you climbed a mountain? Have you jumped out of a, you know, anything like that? I don't really know. You know, I have had moments of my life of bad decisions, but I don't know. You know, I did, when i did that tom cruise movie

i had to do certain things and there were just moments where i thought like this isn't wise this isn't great i mean you're also yeah but you're also around it but like stunt people are really wild people and people who like live for adrenaline. They just see things differently than I see them. I'm not into it. Like the idea of skydiving. I never understand the reason I would want to bungee jumping. He does it. John does it.

They went on there. They went, they, I think they couldn't do it because of weather, but we were on the road doing shows and they went and I was like, I see you guys need to get back. I'll tell you another thing. You like it. It's, it's, it's, it's very like, I see you guys need to get back. I'll tell you another thing. You like it?

It's, it's, it's, it's very like, yeah, yeah. There's like that free fall where you're like, I don't know. Maybe this doesn't matter. Okay. Okay. See, here's the thing. John's also maybe a little suicidal. So he's like this.

I really hope the shoot doesn't open. Exactly. Yeah. I had a great feeling. I thought it was over he pulls the shoot and you float and and a little part of him goes yeah the guy goes like the guy on your ear goes like intent i'm gonna do it and he goes like this make it 40 make it 40 i got my hands like this on the strap he's like hey move your hand move your hand i'm like oh

this is my trip asshole you're with me now i'm the captain now goofball no i i i don't have that you know uh if i go on a roller coaster where actually i've been on a roller coaster as an adult so i can't i hate by the way i i have with my kids hate it so okay that's my thing i i used to be like a normal person. I wasn't like a roller coaster freak, but I'd go on them and enjoy them. Same. Then I have kids, I get on like the teacups, and I was like, oh, I'm dizzy. I'm sick.

I can't do any of this shit anymore. We went on one at Santa Monica, which is like the big swing up and down. Yeah. And my daughters wanted to uh we started going there was a point where i was up like this where i thought like why have we convinced ourselves as humans this is fun my body feels like i'm getting hit by a truck i'm in a like a metal seat my kids are freaking out the people are around me are freaking out and then it ends and everyone's like that was amazing let's do it again like hey you fucking goobers do you remember the

moment of nightmare what happens in your brain that forgets that and goes let's wait in line for an hour and a half to do it again i'm like no pass dude i i i thought i would be the guy like i'll do anything for my kids like if they really want me to go on and we haven't done like a big theme park yet and when we do i'm gonna say no i will be waiting here with the cotton candy for you i am i think that's right and i think that's fine as long as you find somebody who's with them yeah so we always have like my wife's into it and then we had our friend morgan who got really into it so we'd be like we're buying you the ticket so you just brought like a like a proxy almost yes yeah she's like i like the rides wow

and it was like how about this you got a free ride in a free day eat your ass off do whatever you want a hat you got a hat can you send morgan to disney with me? Can I buy her for the day? By the way, that's a great job. Somebody who is, you know, 16 to 35 female, really sweet, loves kids and loves rides and adventures and is like open to listening to kids and genuine. Just like, so what else are you feeling? Well, i thought it was exciting keep going going go on another ride go on another ride take my money i'll pay you a

hundred dollars an hour whatever you want but you know what you know what's funny though all of a sudden you just flip that to a male and it's like you block that person up get go to jail you're fucked that's right you know what man i see your fucking mood you're a snake and if i see you again you're never going to walk again. I love roller coasters. Yeah, I love breaking people's legs. I swear to God, if I see you again, you're going to be in the ocean. You're going to be swimming with the fish. When I was like, I was a kid and Six Flags opened in New Jersey.

And I went with my family and my aunt was probably in that same age range you're talking about which was probably 20 i was like six and the batman ride broke huge line hour and a half line like you're saying oh my god the batman ride they're like we got to stop it but we were pretty far in line so we stand there for like an hour they're like all right we think we got it fixed we're gonna give it a test run so they run it empty and this big piece falls off and the whole crowd just leaves like starts running and my aunt's like let's do it and so we get on no way we get on it's like it's not empty but it's it's close to empty just me my aunt and like a couple other people we get off the ride my dad comes running like the guy who saw the silverback the silverback really who saw the guy with the nose. What the fuck is wrong with you?

She's like, John, it landed in front of us. It was just someone's Walkman they left on the ride. It was just like the CD player. So we got to skip the line but my dad was furious. Probably the maddest I've ever seen him. What the fuck is wrong with you taking him on that ride?

If you ask me to script my actual nightmare those stories of people who are like stuck upside down for like an hour and a half if i put a bullet in my head before i do i i no fucking way so you know what i i realized what my nightmare would be was uh and i've had done it a couple of times i just did it again in the grand canyon even though i know better but it's when you when you take one of these like as a family or a group of friends and you all go like you know it happened the first time i was in africa doing that movie and the whole cast went out the director uh paid

for us to have like a little tiny plane fly around africa and go over animals and do this whole thing we're down in namibia alice kurtzman, the director, we get an email saying, I can't go because I'm working. It's all paid for. Show up here. So you're like, what a class act. Then I get there, and there's this tiny little plane. It literally looks like someone made it in their backyard

with a lawnmower as an engine. And you're just thinking, cool, man. I get to be on this thing. And then I'm sitting in the front. Some of the other people from the cast are in the back. It's tight. And the pilot's right next to me. And we're flying over just nothing.

And he's like, this is the most untouched part of Africa. No one's touched it. I'm like, this is how it looked millions of years ago. And I'm like, this is really neat. And then I thought, what if he has a heart attack all right life happens to human beings what if he goes like this this is the most well i'll tell you what's gonna happen them in the back are gonna go if you're in the front seat jake do something what am i gonna do what are you gonna do what are you gonna do i'm gonna go like this there's i looked and mind, while we're sitting there,

I looked at the board. It must have been 50 buttons. 49 of those buttons kill everybody on the plane. And then I thought at a certain point, I'm like, who's the backup? It's like having a football team and not having a backup QB in the Super Bowl. Let's play this out, though. Let's say you hop in the fucking cockpit let's play this out though let's say you hop in the fucking cockpit he has a heart attack i pull his ass off we're going down let's

say though best case scenario you pull a captain sully and you land in the middle of the untouched parts of africa with a broken now and we're and we're injured right and now radio doesn't work and you don't have any water and there's blood coming out of the leg and the animals around smell it the hornets show up the hornets are there you look up in the air and you go like this six vultures already we just landed and you know what those vultures are telling the other ones there's some meat over there and guess what the muscles don't seem tough. We're not talking about the kind of meat that walks 14 miles a day, carrying stuff on their shoulders.

We're talking about the kind of meat that sits on a couch and watches people. This is delicious. This seems to be a lot of acai bowls over here. You're talking about one of those acai bowls where you go, I like this. I like this. I'm healthy. And then I go, can I get it with Oreo cookies, please? My favorite is the fake health smoothie. Yeah. Can I get a smoothie with a peanut butter? What is that?

There's a chocolate sauce. Might as well try it. Can you take all the fruits out and just put milk, Oreo cookie, some caramel, whatever. What do you call that? Oh, yeah. Whipped cream. And you're like hey i had a smoothie today it's like thanks airworm dude you mentioned um you mentioned tom cruise earlier

and i was reading an article in bustle i think about uh self-reliance out down hulu and it was talking about when you flew over there to try and quit and he just didn't let you what kind is so i had uh i got that script for the mummy and uh alex kurtzman and i met and i hadn't no i'm sorry i didn't get the script they said do you want to do a tom cruise movie the answer was yes and i assumed my role in it would be some version of like the bad tech guy or the guy who annoys him before he goes off and does his mission. And I said, if I do it, I would love to be able to improvise with Tom Cruise. So going up there and being word perfect and hitting your marks and being like an actor's actor with Tom Cruise is neat. But for me, you could then replace Tom Cruise with anybody.

Yeah. Because I'm just on my single saying my lines and doing my stuff and then in post-its together but i don't do this stuff for posts especially as an actor i'm doing it for the moment so my thought was like man being in a two-shot with tom cruise and all of a sudden we get off a little bit and to see where we're going i was like man i really want to experience that. Cause as an actor, who's better, right? When he does like his role in Magnolia,

just as like a character actor, give me a break. His early stuff, his acting fucking forget it, dude. So the director said like, yeah, he's like, you know,

I'm even though like the balls on you though, to be like, I just want to do a little improv with Tom. So let me do my thing. That's well, you know i'm even though like the ball's on you though to be like i just want to do a little improv with tom so let me do my thing that's well for you no but also uh kind of it's also like if that's the only real offense i i can run got it i got it yeah it's like if they're like hey we're thinking of signing you to this like my job is each job I get, I feel like really what actors are and writers direct, whatever I am, is an independent contractor. Each new gig is a new start. And I just don't want to get on a team that runs an offense that I go, we're not even speaking the same language. Because then your numbers are terrible.

The whole city's mad at you. And you're like, I swear to God, it it's the coach i told him what i can do like i i promise you i don't know what he's talking about like yeah i could score right here and they're saying no pass it nine more times you're all mad at me it's the d'antoni sons it's like they're asking me they're saying shoot at three point line like at half court and i And I go like, I'm a mid range guy. Right. Okay. So back to the improv with Tom.

So long story short, I, you know, everything seems like a yes, but I was also doing a lot of new girl. I was working a lot. So I wasn't in a shortage of work and then I get the script and the first 30 pages is just me and him doing stunts. And it's, I'm not a comedic character,

really. I'm a soldier and a thief with him. And it's, his name was Chris. My name was Vale in it. It would be like Chris and Vale, like comma guys, you don't want to meet in an alley comma,

you know, jump off their horses and enter this village and i'm like okay and then once they enter the village they're like chased which then begins a sequence that was really cool and well written but i'm like i know how this dude's going to want to do it it's all two shots he's not gonna it's not gonna be stunt people it's not gonna be we go like this and then it cuts to a low wide and some animals jump off a bridge right and then we land and go with like dirt on our face and i go like some jump that movie i'm interested in you know yeah so when i read it i honestly just thought like it's not even past i just don't think i'm the guy i think there's been a miscommunication like is there a different jake

johnson that is or like honestly what i really thought what i think was real is the director wanted me and tom cruise had no idea who i was and said yes absolutely sounds great got it right i thought who gives a shit it's a tom cruise movie Tom Cruise movie. I'll pull up some dead weight either way. Brady being like, I'll get a Hogan, a Super Bowl MVP. Exactly right. Who's this little wide receiver? I'm going to make it eight catches for 110 yards. Me, sir.

Undrafted. Yeah, on my last three teams, I barely was on the practice squad, but now other teams think I'm incredible? Long story short, I just read the script, and I just think, like, it's just not my kind of thing. Like, cool, I'm a fan, but truly, like, jumping off houses, you know, getting chased, running, from a building to building and then the whole thing is we go the whole movie is that we like steal a bunch of stuff from a cave

i get bit by a huge spider we crash a plane then i die and then i come back and haunt them for a little bit and i'm like i don't know i also don't like doing the prosthetics i don't want to do like the masks yeah all that stuff's a nightmare i don't want weird contacts in my eyes it's not why i got into this game right so i just say to my team i think there's been like a respectful misunderstanding and and now they're like what are you saying i go like i don't think i mean i don't think i'm gonna do it and what had happened was i had already said yes so they had already started moving forward with the idea of me saying yes and even though it's not a contract you are bound in some ways so i could get out and they wouldn't have like sued me but i thought it was going to be there's been a

misunderstanding everyone goes like all good and then i get a nice text from the director let's work together on something soon and i said i'd love it and instead i got a uh call saying uh totally fine but tom cruise would like to meet and i thought like oh and they and you would like to meet in london and i was shooting new I was like, well, can we chat on the phone? And they said Tom Cruise would like to meet. And so what happened is I finished New Girl on a Friday, jumped on a red eye, got off the plane, literally told the driver, I was like,

can I get back to the hotel and do what the body needs to do after a 12-hour flight? And he said, tom cruise would like you to come straight to the studio yeah how many more times can i say this tom cruise wants to meet i mean i'm in cargo shorts and like two sweaters oh my god and you know a couple of cocktails in me from the plane in very bad sleep and we we get to the sound stage you gotta go meet the most intense guy of all time we get to the sound stage they're doing something practicing technically like shooting some stuff all pre it all started the whole crew's there i meet tom he introduces me to the entire crew

he goes like everybody says jake he will be playing veil in our movie i have to do the like he's doing he then walks me around to all the special effects offices and says things like what do you think of this and i'm like i think i'm not gonna do any of this yeah i was like i think that looks like a very intense mummy mr cruise and then he goes come up to my office let's talk and as we're walking up the stairs he goes i hear you're a little nervous about the stunts and I go yeah and he goes do you feel comfortable walking upstairs and I went like oh shit yeah he's a fucking dude and he's gonna murder me and his whole bit was do you think I'm gonna let you get hurt

do you really think the way this operation works is i'm gonna like let you die on my has anybody ever and i was like no see my counter to that though is like do you know me sir i have so a lot of bad luck that's what i said you know that's what I said and he said are you somebody do you work hard and the truth is even though the characters I play don't I do yeah I've been grinding really hard since I was about 17 my whole thing is I will always outwork everybody I might not out talent you but I will outwork you and so I said yeah I'm not afraid of work and he goes so here's what I'm asking you to do I will will get you a trainer. I'm just asking you to show up. And this was maybe December-ish. He goes, we, or maybe February,

whatever. He goes, we don't do the stunts until August of next year. So we had not, it's like seven months. He goes, if you do what the trainers I put in front of you ask you to do, you will be ready. I'm just asking you to say yes to try it. And I went like, okay. If Tom Cruise told me that, I'd be like, I'm not going to tell Tom Cruise I'm not going to do that. Well, that's the thing. And what I will say, he's the best number one I've ever worked with as fun as a guy to work with as, you know, in terms of making movies as good as it gets. And so I just went like it ended. I was a great experience. Really glad I did it. Really don't ever need to do it again.

But you get like shredded for it. I lost a lot of weight and then I actually got a little sick. But it was really, you were working out four or five times a week. If you work out four times, I need that amount of time. You lose weight. There's no mystery. You either take Ozempic, shoot steroids in your butt, or you work out all the time.

Right, right, right. Man, that is crazy. You mentioned he's the number one i was gonna say i actually very weirdly i was watching curb last night it was your episode yeah we have of the and i started thinking like of all the major people you've been with and four came to mind i'm sure there's more but cruz larry david prince and taylor swift you Cruz, Larry David, Prince, and Taylor Swift you didn't really have lines with. Yes. Yeah.

I think Larry David, I was too new and was too small. So I didn't really get a sense of anything there besides I was in over my head and scared. Prince, I got to interact with. And Tom Cruise, I really interacted with. And Taylor Swift, I didn't get to do anything with. She was just... Is there breaking up the wedding? Honestly, we all knew she was a monster

where you're like, she's a huge thing and she's a big star and you could feel that. But you know what's so funny? That was what? 10 years ago? That was before... But even then, she was already Taylor Swift. Yeah, but think about now.

If Taylor Swift was to be on a sitcom set, it would shut the whole fucking place down. You know what I mean? I read something about her that I found so cool, and that is that she changes the economies of cities she goes to. Yep. And honest to God, like, you know, whatever anybody wants to say about anything, how cool.

Dude, how cool about like, what is she in her 30s? 33? 33? Yeah. A 33-year-old singer-songwriter from Nashville changes the fucking economy? Not just the economy, changes it to...

The Errors Tour started in Phoenix. The Super Bowl was in Phoenix last year. It was the week after the Super Bowl. Local businesses reported they had a bigger opportunity during Taylor Swift week than Super Bowl week. She's literally bigger than the fucking Super Bowl.

What's going to be crazy, by the way way if the chiefs make the super bowl yeah she's gonna be at the super bowl but not be the act at the super bowl and then whoever's posture is gonna be like is gonna be like this sucks yeah everybody's here for me and people are gonna be like, feels pretty divided. Feels divided. I can't, like, I'm putting every dime I have on the Chiefs because if you don't think that this season ends with confetti falling down while Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift kiss, you just haven't read the script. You haven't read the script yet. That's right. Everything the NFL wants to have happen is that.

And that's what she wants, and that's what she wants she gets. It would bring in so much money. I can't even imagine it. I just really, really hope it's not Jordan Love under that confetti. Because if it is, as a Bears fan, I'm honestly at the point where I'm giving it. You should. Because you know what? I'm a Jets fan, and I'm right at the point where I'm giving it. I'm like, you should, because you know what? I'm a jets fan and I'm right there with you.

But like jets, we lived through Brady and Rogers together. Yeah. But the fact that the, that they're going to go far to Rogers to love, no fucking break in between of like a bad year. But here's the other thing. And this is the part I honestly can't wrap my head around.

Polls did the unthinkable. We got the number one overall while getting DJ Moore, while getting their number nine, while getting a second. We had a year that there was growth. We had a lot of embarrassing fourth quarters, a lot of crumble. So we've gotten way better. They're talking there the the report is i'm here and it's most likely going to be caleb williams right you're telling me you're going to draft caleb williams and put him with a defensive-minded

head coach when jimmy harbaugh's out there meeting with the falcons jimmy harbaugh was our quarterback yeah he's a chicago guy we're not even broke on him we're not even meeting with him so they're not even meeting with him no oh that i didn't know that that's i think it hasn't happened yet that's crazy and then i'm kind of like and i'm not talking any trash about the flus you know the flus is loose in chicago god bless him i'm like you're telling me jim harbaugh is available and you're not even saying let's kick the tires that's got to be a no from him then right like he tells them like no chance no that's how i was meeting with everybody it doesn't make any it doesn't make any sense in terms of negotiation not to me he's meeting with

the falcons yeah if you meet with the falcons, you meet with Anglican. He met with the Chargers and the Falcons. He would meet with Chicago. We're saying, no, we're looking for an offensive coordinator. So that has to tell me. Now, if they do this plan, it makes a little bit more sense. If we get some offensive coordinator and we keep Justin Fields, and then we trade the number one pick for a haul, and we say, Justin is our guy, and I think Justin Fields is good enough, but the way we really win is build around. We have an unbelievable defense. We have a ton of picks.

We have the future, and we're going to pair him with an offensive coordinator who goes, I know how to do it, and you create a team-friendly deal with him to get like a five-year contract. But other than that that if we draft caleb williams and we have an offensive coordinator head coach who get fired after two years and then we're starting over and now he's a third year quarterback who got beat up for three years

like bryce young well i'm like there's gotta be a point where i get a divorce yeah you have you have to at some point my my thought like asets fan, I'm like draft a quarterback with every single pick of the draft every year until you hit on one. And then you figure it out from there. But I can understand the idea of like you can't just keep doing this forever. But, you know, what is Justin Fields the guy? You really think so? Like the guy, the guy. Well, look, is Brock Purdy the guy?

Yeah, that's the thing. Then you do have the examples where you're like, well, it worked out for them, but it's like, it's got a... Is Joe Flacco the guy with the Ravens? Yeah. There was that era when we had so many great quarterbacks in the NFL where it was like, you need a quarterback. My idea has flipped now, where I'm like, build the team, then

get the quarterback. The offensive line. The Rams, before they got Stafford, Stafford was never considered a guy he was like I agree I he though he had Calvin Johnson blah blah you have a killer defense you have a ton of you have great all you have a great line you have great weapons and all these guys are professional so you're not saying I'm gonna get a quarterback and pay him $500 million and everybody else are just scrubs. Right. You're like, no, no, no. You get killers everywhere.

So that's hard. Like, I think the thing, like when you do have a guy, it's what we said about, you know, Chris Hogan. You can take scrubs and turn them into bowlers. And that's the difference is that you make, you know, everybody better. Whereas the other way, you better have your GM, your coach, your owner. Everything's got to be perfect. You've got to draft perfect. You've got to, you know.

I agree. Everything else. I agree. And I don't know which is harder, to be honest. Both of them are so fucking hard. They're no more disgusting. Yeah. I just know that if we take Caleb Williams and then he gets destroyed next year yeah and

we're watching him going like well it's his first year and the commentators are saying like he's special but they got to protect him and then they go and the chicago whoever our offensive coordinator while excited about now we're all going like i hate him yeah he's the problem and then finally they go after this year you you know, like, hey, we were 7-10 or 7-11, whatever the schedule is now with these extra games. They go, you know what? We're starting over. And then after a year or two in the league, we give him a whole new offense.

Yeah. Then we're jokes. Yeah. Because what you do right now, if you're in this spot, which you're only in this spot once a generation, there's a generation talent. We have the number one. If you like him, then you pair him with his guy who really understands offense. And you say we live and die on you two fuckers.

But you guys are the thing for the next five years stick to it no matter what yeah and let's see if let's see if you can build with this person to not even meet it's like i'm having this moment where i'm like it feels like i came home i've been married for a long time i got a bunch of kids and all of a sudden i'm looking at my wife and i'm like do i know you like who who is this man in our house that you've been referring to is your yoga instructor i don't see fucking yoga pants on who's charo would you ever quit but you know i've said it before there There are definitely times I kind of like quiet quit on the Knicks. Yes. You know, the Jets are certainly making it hard.

The Mets are kind of like I'm an addict, so I'll never quit them. But there are definitely times where I'm like, as I get older, I feel more and more ridiculous rooting for a team that's just not going to do it. And I could do better things with my time and blah, blah, blah. And then I always just kind of find myself. So I had a thing with the Cubs before we won the world series that what I really felt like it was, was the Cubs were like the love of my life. Right.

And you're, you're dating and it's perfect and it's amazing. And then one day you get like, and it's as good as it's ever been. You've never had a relationship like this. She's perfect. And then one day you come home and she's cheated on you and you go and you see it and you go like what the fuck and she says it's not a one-time thing i'm actually in love with him and we didn't know how to tell you and you go like oh and you're crushed right and then it's over and you're depressed and you go through a fat phase where all of a sudden you're back to like parliament lights and you're like, I don't even care that they're

the trashiest cigarettes. I just like these filters. Right. And you go like, do I eat hamburgers again all the time? They taste good. And then slowly your friends go like, come on, big fella, you're pushing 215. You're as pale as you've ever been. Let's take a walk. You start walking, things start feeling good. All of a sudden you start going up. There's like a couple of women in the group of friends. You start making friends

again. This is the beginning of spring training. You meet some women and you're like, I don't know, you know, now I'm back to about 187. I've quit smoking. I dip a little. I'm doing pretty good. And then you meet somebody else and you're feeling back in the game. This is right at the beginning of the season. And then

you see her in a coffee shop, your ex. And she's wearing a cute sweater and she's got no makeup on. And her hair makeup on and they're like her hair is up and you're like hey and she's like first i just want to say i'm an asshole and you go like no and she goes i fucked up and she does the big apology tour she's regretted that with everything in her life and you say well let's get a cup of coffee and you start building back and even your friends go like i mean you guys were the best together and then it's april and may and you're in love

and it's june and now you're going maybe this year we get married right and she's like i'm in and you go i've never saw kids with anyone but you. And she's like, same. Because we see home the same way. Then it's July, you're in. And then one day you come home in early August and there's a guy in bed with her. And she said, this has been going on for a while. That was the Cubs every year of my life. 108 years straight that happened. And then we won the World Series.

And I was like, I don't know what it is. And I'll tell you, it's starting to happen with the Bears and me. Where the offseason starts and I go, I don't know. I like our draft. And then, you know, it was game one of this year. I was so confident in this group. And then we got spanked by the Packers. And I felt like my girlfriend was saying, like, it's not like you, Jake, I'm just in love with him. Right. I'm going like,

right. I've been in this bedroom before with you fools. And I go like, I'm done. And then all of a sudden I'm in that coffee shop and there she is. And she's like, we got the first overall. Yeah. And she goes, and number nine. And I go i go you know kidding she goes we have the most cap space and i'm like well maybe we'll get lunch dude if that ain't the best example of love and sports i've ever heard of my goddamn life and then you go i want to quit but like i'm gonna go through the fat phase i'm gonna rip cigs and then all of a sudden i'm gonna start feeling better and i'm gonna see her again yeah yeah well you know that that's the real dangerous part where you start loving the bad phase too you're like i mean that's pretty fun

that was good that was good i'll tell you what i was never happier i was never happier you are the absolute best there is nobody better than you. We appreciate the time as always. A very quick thing before we go. This is the most important question I'll ask you this whole show. The very end of Self Reliance where you're walking up to Anna's house.

You gotta know where that jacket's from. What a jacket. What a jacket. I don't know, but I wore it to the premiere party. Did you really? Yeah. You knew. You knew.

It's a fucking nice-ass jacket, dude. First of all, guys, thank you. We've been doing this, the three of us, for years now. It's always nice to see your success. Keep blowing it up. And second, everybody, please check out Self Reliance on Hulu. And we're here to help. I got a podcast. I'm asking everyone to check it out. We're, everybody, please check out Self Reliance on Hulu. And we're here to help. I got a podcast. I'm asking everyone to check it out. We're having a load of fun.

John, you're coming on. I'm on that Friday. I would love you to come on too, buddy. You guys. Yeah. Oh my God. I would be honored. I would love it. Truly. When you're in LA, you got a home base. We're having a ton of fun and you guys are going to crush it there. I can't even think of a better podcaster than yourself i mean what you just painted there it's like i i always make fun of the celebrities who start podcasts because i'm mad at you guys because you're taking up our our lane but the way you just did it right there i'm like you know it's in good hands it's in good

you know what i'll say it's the same thing of movies in my opinion i think in the podcast game right now i don't see it as competition i see it as we're in an explosion and i also feel it's such a big market and it's still so untapped yeah yeah yeah because once people like a lot of people come up and go like yeah i heard your podcast dude i don't even listen to podcasts like but now they're great i'm like you're about to go into an ocean of shows and everyone's got back catalogs because now i've become that guy there's always an airbed in my ear and there's always something going yep and i'm like you always have one in your ear yeah i love them yeah well like if you're like you know doing chores or moving through space i'm like you know it's what stern used to be for me. We're like, if you're commuting, you just listen to this thing. And now I'm like, you can have four or five different ones.

Yep. So I'm like, oh, we're in an explosion of niche content in the most exciting ways. Yeah. No, you guys are doing it right. You're doing a good. So everybody check out the pod. Everybody check out self-reliance and we'll see you next time, bro. Yeah. You guys are the best. Thanks. Thank Self Reliance. And we'll see you next time, bro. Yeah, you guys are the best.

Thanks. Thank you, Jay. See you, fellas. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.