KFC Radio - Jeff Bezos is Trying to Reverse the Aging Process Ft. Elijah Wood and Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: September 8, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - No Man of God is F****ed up - Jeff Bezos is trying to reverse the aging process - Johnathan the 189-year-old Tortoise is a racist - How do different animals have sex? - Top 5 worst jobs for us - Voicemails: - Killing clone - $1,000 at Chili’s - Draft loser OnlyFans - 01:07:54 Elijah Wood - 01:35:10 Ari Shaffir Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. You know, I don't have any connection beyond just having been a part of the sort of alumni of Tolkien, if you will. Right. So I just am excited, you know. Speaking of Lord of the Rings, what do you think your most iconic piece of work is and why is it Green Street? It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. A little late drop because of Labor Day, but we're here.

We got two monster interviews for you. We got like an hour with Ari Shafir, who is always... It's been an hour and a half. Yeah, he comes through and we just go places that I don't think you can go anywhere else. I don't think you can go anywhere without a guy like Ari Shafir. He takes it places that nobody else goes uh and then we got elijah wood who uh is when you really look down look at it like one of the more from our generation he is one of like bro i watched i watched the movie

last night yeah the man of god it's fucked up yeah it's fucked up. Yeah. Fucked up. His new shit is he's a lawyer in the Bundy murders. No, he's an FBI agent. FBI agent, right. He's Bill Hager. Right. I guess he's like the one guy who, and Elijah will explain it to you, like Bundy left all his worldly belongings to this guy because he thought they were best friends. It's fucked up.

When those guys develop relationships with their... I think it goes both ways. Where it's like... It's really... It's Mindhunter-esque. Yeah. And there are... Early in the movie...

I actually... I'll be honest. I did fall asleep. I watched it last night at midnight. And I fell asleep in the middle. And I woke up again at the end. And so I can't really speak to the middle of it. But in the beginning, there's like a 15-minute scene with just these two guys.

And they're both great actors. I don't know who the Bundy guy is. But they're just going at it. It's just like delivering the goods, right? It's just two fucking actors acting. And you know what? He's such a good example. But then at the end, it's Bundy finally fucking.

So it's actually kind of funny how it worked out seamlessly when I woke up, where, like, in the beginning scene, he's talking about how, like, what the FBI does is, like, they cast a line into the water. And, you know, he's like, they catch the little fish, the fish that are too dumb and too arrogant to not think about bait. Right. But sometimes you get into the middle and, like, you know, you might get lucky. You might get a fish who forgot about something. And he actually takes a bait. He's like, but below that, that's where I am. He's like, and the only way to catch fish like me is to become a fish like me. And then at the end, and the whole movie is done from, like, transcripts.

This is all shit he said. Yeah, it's a real deal, yeah. And at the end, he fucking describes in vivid fucking detail about how, like, he finally confesses. Because he's always maintained his innocence. Right. And he's about to die, and he, like he finally confesses because he's always maintained his innocence. And he's about to die and he finally confesses shit. And Elijah Wood is crying

and it's fucked up. Kevin is fucked up. That's why those guys they get fucked up too. You can't track a serial killer your whole career and just be like, I'm just clock a serial killer your whole career and not, and just be like, yeah,

I'm just clocking in and out. That's just my work. Dude. No, no, no. The way he like, Elijah's like, he's like responding to him being like,

he's like, she knows, she knows these are her last moments on earth. He's like, and I spin, and he's like, he's like describing like fucking like raping her and shit. He's like,

and I spin around and I breathe in her last breath and I was like, and Elijah starts weeping. I was like, this is fucking, it was like three o'clock in the morning by the time I woke up and that was on.

I had to get a bunch of Sour Patch Kids. Where are my SPKs? Give them to me. My comfort food. Man, there's too much fucked up shit in the world, dude. That's why when I see Bezos is trying to live forever, for what, dude? For fucking what?

To live around people like that? To live around the Ted Bundys of the world? The little fish that you're baiting? Bezos wants to live to what? Forever? Does he even have an age? The headline I read was that he's poaching scientists from all over the world to try to reverse the aging process, which is like you're literally trying to play God. Now, here's the thing though. If we're talking about reversing the aging process,

if I can fucking reverse the facial aging process, die at the same time? Well, that's what's up. If I can just avoid the whole translucent skin phase, right? We age so poorly. Our people age so poorly.

The phase where we fucking smell like rotting bro my grandfather's last like the breath 10 years i hated being in the car with him i was like bro it smells like you got a dead body it's always you it's always sunny it's just your body and it's dead and somehow it's still moving well you know what it is it's like you if i can avoid any point in my life hand band-aids, I think... Yeah, they always do have their hands. I think at that point, I'd be like, all right, fine. Your grandparents would be like, boom.

And then it's like, oh, that's it. Like deep bone bruise, internal bleeding just from whacking their hand. Which I've noticed with myself, too. I'm getting there. Right there, dude? Not even just hands. When we did the videos that are coming out this week, too, the spit and chiclet stuff in detroit i came home covered in bruises yeah like i mean i played actual hockey for this 15 years of my life and i didn't get bruises like that i played a

little street hockey because we're fucking 15 minutes no iron you're you're anemic you're disgusting like you don't have any of the things that you need to fight all that. I see bruises everywhere. I'm a pear or a peach or whatever they say. If you can stop, if I can just cash out at 75 still and not look like I was 40, sign me up. But if you're adding years to me, no thanks. I'll pass. But I think you've – I bet you they're reversing some of it, but ultimately you still just live way more years as an old person, which who wants to do that? Yeah. They said – Time Magazine, I feel like for years, has been saying a person being born like today, right now, will live to 200.

And I don't think that's true. That's a big fucking jump, man. To jump from like a buck 14 – like the teens is where we usually hear like world's oldest person. And even then we go bullshit. Right. It's like how do you even fucking know? From Ecuador? And you're telling me you're going to add like 85 years onto that?

Some fucking old person in a hut in Ecuador? You're from anywhere but Northeastern America. I'm questioning your hundred plus years. I was going to say, forget about Ecuador. You could tell me Mississippi. I'd be like, come on. No one was counting pop pops fucking, you know. They don't know.

Give me a break. Bro, Mississippi, you're liable to go to the hospital. They hit you with an IV, accidentally give you fucking maple syrup. Like, you are. They're not keeping records down there, bro. They have no idea. That's like the fucking, what's his name? The turtle.

And they keep the old Aunt Jemima, too. They got the racist maple syrup in your bones. We ain't got none of that new shit. We got the fucking old Aunt Jemima too. They got the racist maple syrup in your bones. We ain't got none of that new shit. We got the fucking old Aunt Jemima. Is this the good kind? The pre-emancipation Aunt Jemima. This is what Paula Deen likes. There's no way these records are... This is... Jonathan was the

turtle or tortoise to all the fucking tortoise nitpickers.athan is the oldest if you're a tortoise nitpicker go fucking absolutely kill yourself right go i had people being like and don't jump off a bridge into the waterway jump off the bridge into the traffic just get up on the side when everyone starts honking you're like don't do it fucking turn and jump in front of a mack truck look at jonathan bro he looks like a piece of wood that looks like like a coffee table that looks like i mean this dude jonathan the turtle i'm gonna fucking call him a turtle they say was born

in 1832 which first of all again i call bullshit like how do you fucking know when this turtle was born he's 189 years old he's in the gettysburg address yeah yeah yeah yeah that shit was like in the 1860s fucking abe lincoln was standing on jonathan he wasn't he wasn't stump speech he wasn't that tall he wasn't actually that tall he was just standing on top of jonathan the turtle they all they said they knew it because there was a picture this picture of him oh oh what are you questioning i get it and they go they go he has distinct distinct patterns on his shell that we know it's him. Fuck you.

Do you know how many goddamn doppelgangers you have? That is clearly a doppelganger. That's a turtle doppelganger. That turtle is probably like 40. And he just happens to have the same shell as this motherfucker from the 1830s in this picture. That is... Are shells like fingerprints? I guess so.

Shell patterns are distinct. So they said in 1882, he was brought to an island as fully grown, took this picture in 1886, and now he's still alive. And I mean, I call bullshit on all of that because one day – I mean, I could pull up a picture of one of your doppelgangers, but he was born in – John's 110 because look at this guy. Yeah, like Nick Cage has those. Absolutely. Justin Timberlake has one, the time traveler shit. Like, just because pictures kind of look like somebody doesn't mean that it's fucking them.

No. But, let's say, for the sake of argument, this tortoise is 189. Now, I just said I want to cash out at 75. And I'm a human. Even that's a little bit much, right? I'm a human who can, I just said I want to cash out at 75. And I'm a human. Even that's a little bit much, right?

I'm a human who can – I can have sex for pleasure. I can work and have a career. Did you know deers suck dick? What? Hang on. Hang on. I got to get my laptop. Deers like –

Yeah, we posted on – it goes on the Barstool main account maybe once. The golf thing? Yeah, it's like once. Like, one time? Like, we have one picture or this regularly happens? I've seen, like, three. My guy's choking on dick. Deers, like, deers have oral sex.

They look like two deers, by the way. Oh, maybe she's eating pussy because it's not a buck. Yes, monkeys are having sex. Oh, wait, that's a whole other can of worms. I just did deer's oral sex, and what came up was, yes, monkeys are having sex with deer. See, Bezos? Who wants to be on this planet anymore? We're spiraling out of control, man.

Let's see. Yeah, oh, yeah, is it this guy? No, but it's a similar position. I mean, this guy is like standing 69ing. Now, but doesn't this kind of look like they're just nursing? Aren't they just drinking milk? No, this is straight up dick sucking? I think that's dick sucking, yeah.

I've seen it go up on foreplay a few times, so that's probably Zach. Man, you know what is just so fucked? Whenever you do anything animal-like... If you want to grab my laptop, it's open on my desk. The cartoons that pop up, like Bambi porn, man. What? Like, who out there... That is ridiculous.

Let me see. Who out there is making Bambi porn? Look at that fucking red rocket. No, I'd rather not. I'd really rather not. Look at that animated... She's got cum dripping out of her mouth. Oh, my God.

That's a fact. There's a TikTok account. Look at this fucking... Oh, look at that fucking spread eagle, little double dick. Yeah. There's a TikTok account that just gives cartoon characters names,

takes it from the comments, and then times how quick it turns into porn on Google. And it's never more than like six seconds. Bro, look at this one. This is Bambi with one of those... This is Bambi with one of those leg shackles with the bar that doesn't... Oh, yeah. I know that game. They're called like separator bars.

And a fucking dildo in her ass. And unfortunately, tears in her eyes. Yeah, she's crying. Wish I didn't catch that part. She's very rapey. Yeah, that one wasn't. Boy, I wish I didn't look there. That'll teach me to look at the face of a porn star.

How about this? This is fucked, man. Because I'll be honest. Of a porn star. I'll be honest. You see a little banner ad of Marge Simpson blowing somebody. I watch. I chuckle.

Yeah, it gets some fucking juicy flow. I see Lois from from family guy taking some back shots i watch bambi i don't i don't need to watch bambi fucking no god that chicken head you fucking hammering that thing neck bobble going super head and look guys not even interested yeah like bro come on tell her she's doing a check bobble going. He's fucking hammered it. That's super head. And look, he's disinterested. Yeah, like, bro, come on. Tell her she's doing a good job. This deer, the man deer, has gotten the best head that any animal alive has gotten.

Because he is not even fazed by him. She's given that. What's that TikTok thing going around where it's like, show me who gives you that sloppy, sloppy, gluck, gluck 9,000 with the balls to niagara falls you kids don't know what i'm talking about oh my god it's unbelievable you you you you start on yourself and it's one of those like robot voices you know and it's like show me who gives you that and it's like this whole long list of of ways that you talk about getting your dick sucked and you just like turn the camera to your girlfriend and usually these girls are like hookers who start like gagging and like fucking around and shit but i guess i'm the only one who's seen that i guess my algorithm's a little

different from yours i can't believe none of the kids piped up on that one uh but that that deer has gotten his dick sucked to be fair once i got in a relationship i was like i gotta start like looking at puppy photos clean that up yeah see Yeah. See that. Shoot myself in the foot. That, I feel like, what? Because in case you're both just kind of looking at the phone together, that should never happen. I don't think that's a good idea. I think that we should make, like, you should never just be like, oh, hon, let's just watch Instagram together. You got it on your own phone.

We don't need to see what's on my algorithm. You don't need to see what might pop up. I got people text messaging me. You know what I mean? Again, and it's not even always about, like, cheating and shady shit. It's just like, you know, Josh Wolf's going to text me a picture of, like, some dude's asshole inside out. We don't need to share our worlds on the phone.

The phone has officially become the extension of the brain. You're not allowed inside my brain? This has my DNA. Not allowed inside my phone. You know what I mean? This is, like, my heart. All kinds of it. My brain. is like my heart all kinds of brain yeah skin calm yeah a lot of dna on my phone i take i take great care not to it's a it's a conscious effort but i've never come on my phone it was worse than coming on your phone is being so aware that you don't come on your phone.

Anyway, this goddamn turtle. I have to go on my computer. Who amongst us? Who amongst us, John? That might be coming. See, this is my point. That's a little bit. That's a little suspect. That's not coming.

You know what's funny? Every time my laptop is within camera shot of one minute, man, people always are like, you left your Coke on your laptop. I'm like, it's not cum. Coke don't drip. What does that do? It's definitely done. What does that do? All of these reasons, everything we just discussed, John, watching porn, fucking, laughing like this, doing a podcast, doing drugs, that's all of the reasons why maybe someone would want to live forever. Because we can do some cool shit, right?

Dude, all of those things are an effort to get me to die sooner. But what as a turtle do you do for 200 years, John? Hee! Hee!

Hee! That is definitely not what turtles do. That's how they fuck. No. You ever seen they fuck. No. You ever seen turtles fucking? No, my kids did this year at the zoo. They definitely don't do that. I thought it was like this.

You ever seen that thing in the video, the turtle fucking a croc? I thought it was like... I thought it was almost more of the shells. I have a very loud ringing in my ear right now. No, no, no. I don't get how any animals other than like just normal, like four-legged dogs, deer maybe. I don't get how any of them fuck. Like some of these animals, the logistics behind banging is impossible. Try to get that thump thump that was spot on I know how turtles fuck

I can do any animal fuck sound are we sure that's that's a deja vu is that coming from the look at that mouth pussy he's got. I was going to say you could fuck that thing. And this poor girl. Girl on the...

Homegirl on the bottom is like, I've been alive for 160 years. Get off of me, dude. She's like, can you fucking wrap it up and just dump a load already? I think this is the cameraman. That's the cameraman making that noise. Bro, this is...

That's not the turtle. That mouth is fucking creeping me out, dude. That poor turtle on the bottom. Never seen a creature less interested in sex than a turtle getting fucked. Oh, my God. When you said croc I thought you meant Like an animal croc Not the shoe

I thought there was a little Like Hey Any port in the storm baby No You're fucking with me right This is like a thing A hole's a hole Kevin

Show the class Show the class fucking with me, right? This is like a thing. A hole's a hole, Kevin. Show the class. Show the class. I mean, he so proudly like mounts it, puts it in. He's like. Like this long build up like. Eh, game. No way this is how turtles fuck.

I can't believe you didn't know that, man. No. And what's scary is how well you did it. You started those noises. I was like, what is happening? And I'll tell you what's happening. He's mimicking a turtle getting fucked. Or fucking.

It seems to be when they're fucking. Not getting fucked. I don't think it's pleasurable to receive. When they get fucked, they fall asleep. A lot of similarities here. A lot of similarities between turtle sex and my sex. I'm making weird noises. She's falling asleep.

It's very slow. It's not very impressive. But, like, where does... How does the turtle dick get to the turtle vagina with the shell in the way? I don't know. And also, how fucking fat's a turtle dick if he's fucking a croc? Well, this is a tiny turtle. But but yeah, it can't be that big. No, but I mean, I would think that's a big turtle dick.

To fuck a croc hole? If you're a turtle? I mean, he's like the size of the croc. Maybe I haven't seen him. No one's wearing crocs, right? I think a croc hole would be like that big. We got rid of him. Yeah, I think that's a fat turtle dick.

I guess that's a little bit, you know, look at other holes. They're not. I think a turtle dick is a little away. But I also feel like think about like, you know, when I've always joked about like a girl with like a gigantic ass, like a fake ass. I don't even think I could get through. I don't think I could penetrate her. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the cheeks would be all that I reach.

I don't think I could get through the canyon to get into the cave. You know what I'm saying? I feel like getting past a shell would be even harder. The turtle's got kind of fucking dicks on him. Like what? The balls are in the wrong place kind of but you didn't react enough to that picture look at this thing no no i won't this thing

no you want to talk about fucking uh what was it what was that called the ice creams oh you got the neapolitan but it's orange gray and purple yeah he's got sherbert dick that thing looks like a like a slug. No, no, no. This is disgusting. Comparatively speaking, turtles got pipes. Comparative to us? No, comparative

to the rest of their body. That is something I feel like other animals No, I'm going to definitively say I have a bigger penis than a turtle. Sorry for the brag. I know we're usually pretty self-deprecating on this show, but I got a bigger cock than a turtle. You know what? I don't know if you got a bigger cock than one of those giant tortoises.

I don't know. I don't know if you do, man. If that little thing, if it's all proportional, then the giant tortoise has a fucking hammer. We'll figure that out, too. Giant tortoise penis coming up. I feel like a lot of animals, their dicks are like the whole length of their body.

Whereas ours are like not at all. Unless you're Patrick Ewing. He had to tape it to his leg. I can't. He had to take it out of the toilet when he sat down. True story. This is crazy. I can't really find it. Imagine story. This is... It's crazy.

I can't really find it. Imagine that, if you like pee first then you gotta take it out. Otherwise it would just be in the water. Yeah, it's gonna be a mess sitting down drunk.

I forgot which order to do this in. Just pisses all over the fucking thing. I can't, like, I don't even know what that is. That's...

I'm done with this. I'm done. Anyway, my whole fucking point Was just to say That turtles do nothing Other than float through the water And slowly walk around earth

And apparently eat straws Cause of the turtles Show me one dead turtle Who has ever eaten a fucking straw Doesn't happen There's that one With a straw on his nose It's one

It's literally that one picture And he was just a co-cast Cheeto Santino says that Cheeto He just He really did it wrong That one with a straw on his nose. It's one. It's literally that one picture. He was just a co-cast. Chito Santino says it. He really did it wrong. The whole thing right up his fucking brain. Chito Santino has a bit about it where he's like, are there just at the bottom of the ocean,

are there just tons of dead turtles with straws all in their fucking mouth? I have never seen it once. And turtles, of all all animals they say turtles can like take your fucking hand right off yeah they can't handle a fucking straw bullshit and those turtles just float around this godforsaken earth for almost 200 years imagine the shit you live through like you said the gettysburg address yeah he lived through the Gettysburg Address. He lived through. If he saw the Gettysburg Address, you should be dead. He was pre-Civil War, man. I don't even know what you call pre-Civil War.

What is even that time? There was the Revolution, then what? And then Civil War. What did he live in there? That's like the French and Indian War or some shit? I don't even fucking know. I think that's before. The War of 1812.

He was almost around for the War of 1812. I think that's the era we call slavery. Yeah, probably. Probably just the slavery years. Those are the tobacco and cotton years. They're not good years. They're not years you wanted to be around. This turtle, much like your grandparents, racist.

This turtle has been around. He's seen some shit. This turtle, if you dug up his past, he'd get canceled. Jonathan the Turtle, canceled. He actually learned English at just the N word, though. He just drops that. God. Racist turtle living for 200 years.

No thank you. That turtle is like, please find me a plastic straw. Let me kill myself. Let me get that sweet release of death so I don't have to just wander this planet Earth. Just fuck one more croc and I'll be out of here. What would you do if you were a turtle? For that long?

Cross the road? I just find a street and just keep wandering back and forth. Someone's gonna hit it eventually, right? I carry my house on my back. It's hard for me to fuck. I have funny noises.

I'm racist. My head is made of wood. Jesus carried his cross. I carry my house everywhere I go. Cross is light work compared to a house. Can you imagine inside your shell? Your armpits are gross enough. Imagine inside a turtle shell.

Imagine the inside of a 200 year old turtle shell somebody kill this thing man he doesn't want to be here anymore and bezos is out here trying to turn me into jonathan turtle if you could pick if you could reverse the aging physically how long would you want to live would it still be like same same regular human span yesterday'd be good yeah like 35 i think really really any time before today would be perfect i do think that no yeah yeah because what people don't realize i guess bezos doesn't realize because he's fucking rich and life is awesome to him where he's like i want to do this forever because i'm on yachts and i'm going to space even that doesn't matter i i tend to agree with you i also don't know i don't know what billionaire life is like maybe it really is that

awesome that you want to just keep doing it forever but all i've seen is life gets more complicated so i'm like you know there's a reason why to me pinnacle in life the golden era little league baseball riding your bike chasing chicks but the very very beginning of like, you know, there's a reason why, to me, pinnacle in life, the golden era, Little League baseball, riding your bike, chasing chicks for the very, very beginning of it, and you know how to masturbate. That's the perfect little crossover. Yeah, you could die right then. Maybe like one, you've had like one drink before. Would have never had to complain. Right.

That's what I mean. You never complained if you were lucky enough to have like a nice childhood. You never had an issue. And then what happened? You continued aging. You started to date girls that presented issues you had to go to school and like do work then you had to get a job then you started to experience death then you started to experience uh substance abuse then

you started to experience uh your own abuse from other people as life goes on you just pack up more and more baggage more people so yes So what about when you're 170? It's like, I've been through this entire life cycle like three, four times already. Fuck that, man. Somebody stop Bezos. But then you know what else sucks? Is everybody else lives to like, if everybody else but you.

If I'm like the loser who still dies when he's 70, but everybody else is living. Oh, I'm the guy who left dies when he's 70, but everybody else is living. Oh, I'm the guy who left the party a little early? That's okay with me. Done it a million times, gonna do it a million more. I'm gonna Irish goodbye out on this whole party. Guys, I'm tired. I'll see you later. Forever. See you next time.

No, you won't. Well, fuck Bezos. Fuck Jonathan the Turtle. Fuck him. We're getting into our top fives now. Top five is in honor of Labor Day. So we're doing top five worst jobs, top five jobs you do not want to have, last job you would ever pick. Top fives today is brought to you by top five worst jobs in the world. So shout out to the guys from MVMT who said fuck it. They didn't go to some shitty

job they didn't do some dead end uh you know unfulfilling career they went and they started a movement themselves in a tiny apartment in southern california they had this design team that created the most high quality fashionable stylish watches uh in the goddamn world and what the the real specialty behind it was that they made it all affordable. So instead of paying like 500 bucks per watch, you had watches for 100, I think they started at 95 bucks. The most expensive one is 130. Then they extended into the eyeglasses, the sunglasses game. And then they extended into eyeglasses where they have the blue light filtering glasses.

The Everscroll glasses that help you keep your eyesight while you're staring at screens and phones and all that shit. So you can look stylish with your sunglasses. You can match it to your high-quality watch that always looks sleek. And, you know, I feel like a nice watch is a very mature look. Oh, yeah. And then top it all off with some Everscroll glasses for when you're at work or trying to save your eyesight. I actually just saw someone, what was it? I saw someone in a watch

the other day. And it just came up, he was wearing a button-down shirt too. And he just kind of rolled up and I saw the watch. It wasn't anything special, it was just a watch. And I was just like, that's a man right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a button on his sleeve and he's got a watch on. That's a man. I think, you know, we'll do next week too, we'll do a top five because we said a couple weeks ago,

when do you become a man? When you eat a Big Mac. Right? Remember that? No, I don't remember that. You were drunk. We were saying it's not a bar mitzvah. It's not when you first have sex.

It's when you can order your own Big Mac and eat it. I think you literally were drunk, which is funny when we did that episode. Because I remember my dad used to get him big, messy Big Mac burgers, and I was always afraid, and then I got my own Big Mac and eat it. I think you literally were drunk, which is funny when we did that episode. But, you know, because I remember my dad used to get him like big, messy Big Mac burgers and I was always like afraid and then I got my own Big Mac. Anyway, my point being that when you get your own first nice watch, not even nice, you have to get like a Rolex or something,

but I feel like every guy kind of has a moment where they're like, alright, I have like some cash now, I work a job, and I'm going to get myself a watch. One that doesn't have Buzz Lightyear on it. Right, and that's where you get an MVMT watch because you don't have to break the bank. And right now you can get 15% off when you go to MVMT.com slash KFC. Get 15% off plus free shipping and free returns. Get great style.

It doesn't break the bank at MVMT.com slash KFC for 15% off. Top five worst jobs in the world. Shout out to laborers because it's Labor Day. What I do like about Labor Day, there's no death, you know, minus the triangle shirtwaist factory. You know, it's not like Memorial Day. There's always some asshole being like, enjoy your fucking barbecues. This is about the fallen soldiers.

I know, but fuck, man. And, well, I guess it's just that one. But, no, there's more. There's a couple other sad ones out there. Veterans Day. Yeah, Veterans Day. It's, you know, it's a tough one, too. But anyway, Labor Day is just like you get a day off and it's all good, man.

So worst jobs in the world can range from, you know, I just wouldn't want to work it to like regular jobs to disgusting, you know, far-fetched ones. What do you got? Nurses. Listen, my sister's a nurse. She would tell you put it at the top of the list. I don't want to be a nurse either. Bro. Changing bedpans, sticking things up people's asses.

Sticking your fingers up people's asses. Yeah. Fucking just like. Dealing with fucking pandemics when they hit i mean we make fun of nurses a little bit here here and there um but it is like like i i know i i think back i think it's scrubs when like uh carla says something like she's like i know everything a doctor knows but i don't get paid whatever and like i there probably is some truth to that definitely so that sure sucks that's a job I would not want to have. Yeah, no, no, that's a hundred percent.

And then you have to stick stuff up my ass, so that sucks too. And then, yeah, I mean, the amount of diapers or bed... Oh, catheters? Dude. When it's like, today I gotta go stick this up somebody's dick?

I was kind of joking, just so I could say the fucking thermometer thing. This is definitely like a one. Yeah. This is not a fun job to have. And again, like, at least with doctors,

you know, you get paid. Right. Hopefully. Used like at least with doctors, you know, you get paid. Hopefully. Used to at least before, you know, the whole, but like you get the name, you get the, you get the girl,

you get the mansion, you get the money, like all this shit. Get called bro. All right. Number one for me. I don't know what this job would be. I don't know the title of it,

but anything where you're one of those farmers who you put your whole arm in a cow's asshole. What's that about? So being on fucking Rediscovery America, this is one of the worst jobs. Did they do that? Oh, yeah. I think it was just Nick, maybe. Disgusting.

Nick definitely did. I think Donnie did, too. I think, like, KB might have done it and didn't make the cut. KB probably loved it. That's why. I feel like, you might have done it and didn't make the cut. KB probably loved it. That's why. I feel like, you know, when you put the arm condom on. And I also think it's to inseminate. But like why are you putting your hand in their ass?

We've talked about this. Oh, yeah, we did talk about this. Because I remember saying, do cows get pregnant through their butt? I remember saying that. We got a bunch of DMs about it. It like primes it or preps it or something. No, no. They're able to like grab something from the inside and then direct it more.

In the video, they explain it. I'm not trying to be armpit deep in a cow's asshole, so I'm out on that. Also, anything – it's probably along the same lines. I watched a cow give a distressed birth on a calf or whatever. My mom was watching it. I was at her house. You leave the room. I know.

I should have. And they literally. Were you taped to the chair? No, but I was sleeping over at their place for the night. And it was nighttime. It was quiet. They live in a tiny apartment. And I was just like, I'm stuck here.

They put a chain inside. I mean, it's I'm stuck here. They put like a chain inside. I mean, it's fucking nuts. So any hands up the ass or pulling cows out of other cows, I'm out. School teacher. School teacher. Right up there with nurses. Teachers fucking suck a dick.

Teachers. This isn't even... It's actually because, again, this is another profession we make fun of quite a bit because you guys do do wine a lot. And you guys are always like, how much money do I have to spend my own money on the kids? Don't. Just don't do it. It's fucking so easy.

Just don't buy the kids pencils. Right, right. But this is in defense of you. Because it's a job I would so badly not want to do. Someone has to do it. Preferably a woman. Because, man, if you're doing you because it's a job i would so badly not want to do someone has to do it preferably a woman because man if you're doing it it's creepy um and it's just a shit job it's just a sucky job that i i've i've met a couple of kids and i have no interest in meeting anymore no i'm if i never see a kid again that's a good life i think i think i've said before if i see a baby ever again it's it's

too soon and like that goes like right up until like 16 year olds oh well okay um daycare worker okay insane i was gonna say nanny but like my nanny has become like part of my family and so in that sense like i could see some type of goodness, but daycare, where it's just a revolving door of kids, and then they grow up, and they get sent out. And you can't even have a fight club with them? What's the point? Now, back in those days, this wouldn't be on my list because having a baby daycare fight club is awesome. So now that would be on the top of my list of great jobs where I have cockfights with little babies. Just start stirring shit like Littlefinger?

You hear what Kelsey said about you? She said that you still shit your pants. You still wear diapers. But I mean, like, little babies. She said your mommy is stinky. Little babies coming in, and you've got to change them and wipe them and clean them. And then just, oh, God, daycare workers. The worst.

Number three. Lifeguard. Nah, taking it back No, because I was going to say Spend time on the beach It's awesome Yeah, I was in pool lifeguard Yeah, I've done that But even still though

Awesome Yeah, you just kind of hang out Get a tan I'm scrapping it I'm scrapping it Oh Okay, I got one Soldier

I don't know how this episode Is going to air I got one. Soldier. I don't know how this episode is going to air. We're going to put all of that dead air time there. But John was thinking for quite a while on this pick. And that made it all that much more funny. Oh, yeah. Fucking soldier. It would suck. Yeah.

Like, I guess it's probably different if you had the calling or whatever it is. Chaps and cons of Kate. And I don't have that. I don't have pride in anything. So maybe even like drafted soldier. How about that? Drafted soldier. Any job

where you're going to put me in a foreign country where people are going to shoot at me. That stinks. That objectively is a bad, sucky job. It's not a job I have interest in. No, no, no. I have all the respect in the world for the people who sign up for it, but it's not a job I want to have.

That is a good one. All three of these so far are going to piss people off. Nurses, teachers, soldiers. They're jobs that are necessary. But they're jobs. So let's rediscover. Let's retitle this. Top five jobs I don't want to have.

Not top five worst jobs in the world. Top five jobs I don't want to have. That is a great way to put it. I'm good with that. I'm going to go with this is probably a job guy who's gotta test bulletproof vests

what do you mean? you put it on a mannequin yeah no but I think you gotta I think you gotta test it I think cocky motherfuckers who like they they do it oh you know what's a good one too

we were just talking about this on the bullpen um uh fuck i think it was like airplane designers have to take the maiden flight oh i've told you that my uncle that you yeah oh no no i didn't tell you about that i just my uncle built a plane in his garage and then flew it by himself built a plane by himself in his garage. What? And then just, and I was like, bro, I wouldn't fucking sit in a chair I made. You fucking built an airplane and then just, like, I think he just fucking pulled it out of his garage on the street

and then just, like, fucking hit the pedal and fucking took off. It's like a single propeller. How high did it go? Oh, it's a regular-ass plane. I mean, it's like a propeller plane, but, like, I don't know, it goes as high as those planes go. Oh, it's a regular-ass plane. I mean, it's like a propeller plane, but it goes as high as those planes go. It's just... I think... Oh, my uncle.

I actually think he stores it in his garage and just takes it out. Does it fit in a garage? No way. It's a big garage. It's got a half-long fucking wing. It's a bigger-than-normal garage, but it's a garage. Oh, all right. So I'll change my order.

What's it called? The waxers. The girls who wax girls. Oh, yeah. Girls who wax girls' assholes. Because guess what? When you first think of it, you only think about hot people. And guess what?

Way more ugly people than hot people. Ugly people get waxed, too. Fucking fat people get waxed. Smelly people get waxed. Guys. Hairy guys. Guys get waxed. Hairy, hairy people get waxed. Yourelly people get waxed. Guys. Hairy guys. Guys get waxed. Hairy, hairy, hairy people get waxed.

Like, your job is to clean assholes. Thank you. And again, and not with, like, at least, like, doctors who do, like, colonoscopies. Even I was debating putting on pussy doctors. What are they called? OBGYNs. But, like. They call them pussy doctors.

Pussy doctors. But at least you're a doctor there you know this is just like I clean assholes for like 10 bucks an hour at the salon that's crazy when I used to work

on High Haters we had a girl call in and she's like there's shit on almost every single strip absolutely what are you talking about they shove it up their ass

well people don't wipe their asses she's like people just don't clean properly yeah again more people

you know you gotta you don't give the general public the benefit of the doubt. Ever. Jesus Christ. Is that my fourth pick? Third. Four for me. I am going to say cold caller. We're working at a call center.

Remember that guy? That was great. That was great. The pads, Mike Pads. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. Jesus. I'm going to go with Drug Mule. Oh, yeah.

You know what I watched the other day? Terrible movie. Terrible ending of a movie. Savages. Yeah. Taylor Kitsch. Some guy who, I don't know, was in a movie with Taylor Kitsch and Blake Lively at the height of their careers

and just never did anything ever again. Is Justin Timberlake in that or a mix of alpha dogs? No, no JT. You think he's an alpha dog. Somebody else is in it. Salma Hayek's in it. John Travolta's in it. Right, right, right.

Can you see what Ben from Savages has ever been in, aside from Savages? I don't recognize that dude at all. And he's in a movie with four heavy hitters, and, yeah, yeah. And he's like the star of it. Oh, no. He's a massive actor. That's kick-ass. Who's kick-ass? Well, hang on a second.

Okay, well, all right. Yeah, let me, let's. Hold on. Also, he was in The Avengers. He was the first, it was, what's her name, Wanda's brother that gets killed, like, spoiler, whatever, in Ultron. Like, he's the super fast one he gets killed in that he was in

oh okay yeah now I recognize him he was in Tenet he he's been in a lot of stuff Aaron Johnson is that right yeah oh it's Aaron Johnson I recognize that name too maybe I just didn't recognize him with the dreadlocks he was dreadlocks in the movie I don't know those guys I wouldn't call him

like super famous. But anyway, the, yeah, just getting mixed up in the drug trade. Pietro, right? Yeah. Getting mixed up in the drug trade is just. No bueno. No bueno. They kind of get fucked, but they're like, in Savages, they're like, we'll give you our business.

Because the Mexican cartel is like, we want to work with you. And they're like, no, we don't want to work with you. You can just have it. You can just, like, we're want to work with you. And they're like, no, we don't want to work with you. You can just have it. We're out. You take it. And they're like, no, no, no. We're working with you. Yeah, no, that to me.

Oh, you know what? Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I'll leave that. Yeah. But the mules are like, yeah, you got to put this up your ass and get across the border back and forth like a bunch of times, right?

You're just like our little fucking piggy bank filled with drugs. Yeah good no no thank you i got my fifth pick though and i'm happy it came to me because i think it's got to be the worst job in the whole world my number five is a hot take artist be it you can go whether it be a you know a drive time radio guy or Skip Bayless. Instagram or short form video guy. No. You know that's not what I mean at all. But like someone who – I think we've talked about this before. We're like someone who has to take a story that they know isn't important. And they have to make it that.

And you have to talk four hours about it. Yeah. Oh, well, wait. I think that's two different things. I think there's like – well, no. I think that's two different things. I think there's like – well, no, I guess it does kind of go together. I think of it more as like – I don't think there's any shame in being like, I got to get through four hours today, so we're going to – we got to like trump it up a little bit.

Versus like, I got to – I have to take this take. You know, I have to – That has to kill – like that has to hurt. Like the – it's almost like happening with the Mets with me where it's like people are like, I have to. That has to hurt. It's almost like happening with the Mets with me where it's like people are like, why are you being positive and optimistic? And it's like because that's just like the way I view it. That's how I feel about this ownership group. So I'm going to tell you. But when you're a slave to it, like if I was like,

I have to stay negative about the Mets because I have in the past. And you're just soiling out for whatever reason. Like, it's got to eat at you. The one that really – Especially with politics now, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could be politics. It could be sports.

I'm conservative, so I have to be conservative every time. No, no, let me spin zone this Texas thing to make it sound, like, reasonable. No, man. Like, no. It's just brutal. Yeah, let's make it seem normal that we said we had to stay in Afghanistan so people who are oppressive to women don't take power. Anyway, by the way, you can't get abortions anymore.

And also, we're against communism, but you can rat out your neighbor for $10,000 as long as you tell the state. Right. Oh, yeah, perfectly fine. But the – what was I going to say? But, like, the one – I've always thought this forever. I've never been super big into sports talk radio. But the one that was a tipping point was when I heard that they did a full day,

full day, on Tom Brady not wearing his Patriots rings to the Bucs ring ceremony. That's crazy. I'm like, that has to hurt you on a fucking cellular level. Yeah. Like, that must be exhausting to do. Another call and you're like,

yep. Yeah, yeah. What does he think he is? He must be pissed at Bill. Like, why would he wear his rings? They're from another team.

That is, that's got to, it's not, that's like what I say about like, yeah, it's not like working in a coal mine, which I guess you could put on the list, but like, but it's hard work because you're probably

dying on the inside. My last and final pick. It's the craziest job in the world. I don't even know if it qualifies as a job. I don't know. I mean, I guess you get paid by the people who you do it with, but being a Mount Everest Sherpa, those little motherfuckers. Don't get any credit.

They don't get any glory. They're never known as the guy who made it to the top first. I would hope that these expedition guys pay them handsomely, but they probably don't. And you just climb up and down. I bet they clean up. It's all rich fucking... I've seen Everest. It was a great movie.

Josh Brolin's character. That dude tipped them out well definitely but it's all fucking rich guys fucking better because you're gonna die eventually yeah so like but can you imagine running every day just a spin of the chamber yes exactly i mean and they get so good at it that they i think they you know they probably i think there are guys who have done it like plenty of times where they're just like yeah man i just go up and down no big deal but like one day you know they're gonna be an avalanche or some shit you're gonna fucking die and even on a good day you're like oh you know yeah they get about four thousand dollars during all of climbing season it's not good 4k yeah they could hardly feed their families i thought you when you said oh i thought

you were gonna say a huge number and then when you said 4k i thought you still meant that was a lot and i was like nick we got to talk about your money situation. But also, it's 4K and it's in Tibet, right? Yeah. Well, this says, while Western guides make around $50,000 each climbing season, Sherpa guides make a mere $4,000. Even $50K? Bro, I thought it was going to be like $250,000. How long is climbing season?

That ain't right, man. So this is definitively, then, the worst job on the planet. $4,000 to continuously hike the biggest mountain in the world. The most dangerous thing in the world. Literally, the most dangerous piece of land in the world. That is sickening, bro. Absolutely sickening. Fuck that.

We need to fight for Sherpas. Hashtag save the Sherpas. Like, do those guys know that you can come over here or go anywhere, really? And, you know, be a fucking, work at a restaurant for far more money and not have to climb up a peak of death? A snow peak of death? That's fucking insane. I thought it was at least going to be rich people being like, here's a duffel bag of 250K.

Right. And then you do it next year and you hope you survive again. But no, it's the worst existence imaginable. It's about two months this climbing season, April to May. Oh, it's shorter than I thought. That is sickening, bro. And then they all take the credit and you're like in the back, like, yeah, that doesn't count.

Fuck that, man. So top five jobs you would hate to have the most. That's how we're wording it? Yeah. Top five jobs you don't want to have. Hit us with what we missed and what you got on the list and probably what your jobs are. People are going to be like, the job I currently work. Voicemails.

Let's get to them. Today they are brought to you by manscaped don't go to have to get waxed top five worst job in the world where you're bringing your pubes and your hair to a stranger who has to clean it up you can clean it yourself using manscaped because they have the top technology in the world to make sure that you're smooth and clean where it counts they've got the lawnmower 4.0 technology. I think one day, how long, we're going to keep doing manskates on this podcast. One day we might have like the lawnmower 15.0. We'll have guys on the mound throwing 150 miles an hour and people will be trimming up their balls with the lawnmower 15.0. I don't even know how the technology could get

better. They have nick proof technology. It's made out of ceramics and the motor operates at 7,000 RPM. It's already the most technologically advanced ball trimmer in the world. I don't, I can't even believe we had the first, second or third. We're already onto the fourth. And then when you're done trimming it, you clean up your balls, your pits, your arms, your back, everything. They've got the ball deodorant. They've got the crop reviver, which are just lotions and creams that you put on your body so that you smell good, you stay smooth, and everything is clean, like I said, where it counts. Go to manscaped.com. Use promo code KFC.

You get 20% off your order at manscaped.com. Promo code KFC. 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com. Promo code KFC. Hey, KFC, quick brain teaser for you. If you had a clone and you killed that clone, would that be murder or suicide? Classic question. A timeless question.

If you had a clone and you killed that clone, is it murder or is it suicide? This is a Jason Bateman show. No, not Jason Bateman. Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd's got a show about his own Netflix. Okay. Where he keeps killing himself, right?, not Jason Bateman. Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd's got a show about his own Netflix. Okay. Where he keeps killing himself, right? I haven't seen it.

I'm right. It's pretty good. And what do they say in that show? What do they declare it? Or how do they treat it? I think it's... I forget. It's kind of a comedy.

It's not like a dark movie. I think it's not considered murder on account of the comedy. I would say... Or this is also The Illusionist. Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman in a great film. Prestige. Prestige.

That motherfucker. Yeah, it happens every time. But he kills... His clone. Is it his clone? Yeah. Yeah, he creates a clone. Spoiler alert.

Yeah. It came out in like 2000, so i can suck my dick i think the act of suicide is ending like your i think it's murder i think yes yeah so like suicide is like i'm turning the lights out on this thing right here like my brain this one right here bro i'm reading a book right now i mean honestly like it's not exact exact but it kind of is right identical twins have like the identical dna now it's not like a clone but it's like if a twin killed them another twin we wouldn't even be having this conversation yeah so like it's it's probably i don't know the difference between twins and clones on like a

dna level like scientifically what's the difference if there is much of one or whatever but that's not suicide you know yeah like the same dna doesn't mean you're killing yourself it means you're killing a copy of yourself i don't even think murder is about the taking away of a life it's about punishing the ability the fact that you can do it but i don't even think... We got enough people. We don't have to punish people for taking away life. We punish people for having that gene where you're okay doing it.

Wait, what? Like the loss of a person. Ah, come on. No big deal. But the fact that you possess the ability to kill a person, that's what we're punishing. Not the act of it's what we're punishing. Right. Not the act of it.

Right. Because we've got to make another person. Right. But you, you're a bad. People make people accidentally. Right. We're calling people apparently. That's how easy it is to make a person.

It happens on accident. Yeah. Very often. So we could just make a new one. It's not. In Texas, it's going to happen a lot more often. But the. new one it's not in texas gonna happen a lot more often um but the uh i mean i understand that you know the philosophical like it's a fun ati kind of debate to have but it's not fucking real no i

had a good ati you you said you said suicide and the book i'm reading has she talks about uh suicide in such a cool way. She says that what people don't understand, and I'm paraphrasing and I might be getting it wrong, but the book I'm reading is called Sorrow and Bliss. It's a novel. It's very good. But she says that what people don't get

about suicide is that you're not, you don't want to kill yourself. It's just that you realize your existence is a mistake and it's up to you to fix it. I was like, that's fucking poetic, man. It's getting darker and darker here, man. You realize you shouldn't be here, and it's on you.

I think you said it this weekend on the KFC Radio handle, Nick. I think it was you. We're going to need a bigger jar because we're getting. I think that was Nick, I think it was you, we're going to need a bigger jar. Because we're getting... I think that was Zach. One of the team guys out here hit the nail on the head. We're going to need a bigger jar. Next up. What up, KFC, Fights, Nick,

Jackie, everyone else. 3.30 in the morning, I'm on a 13-hour car ride right now. My girlfriend and I were just wondering how long would it take you and one other person to rack up a $1,000 bill at Chili's? And you can't leave until your bill hits $1,000. Hours of operation slash kitchen hours don't apply,

so you can order as many drinks and as much food whenever you want. You can sleep there, but you can't leave the Chili's until you hit the $1,000 bill. We all know Fights is going to think he can do it in, like, two hours. We saw him try to eat all those McChickens at the live show. It didn't go well, but, yeah, let me know what you guys think. I think he's saying, like, you have to finish all the food and drinks, right, within reason.

I mean, I don't, like, always clean't always clean my plate down to the last French fry. I mean, and only two people. We put a hurtin' on that other competitor to Chili's that banned us for life. They should not be named. There's the two-hour mark. The three of us ordered everything on the menu. Everything on the menu everything and i don't remember what the bill was but we also didn't eat all the things so i know this is something we're gonna be like i can do this no problem but uh this would take a long time i think your secret

weapon here is gonna be drinks yes because you gotta but no because if you drink too many of those then like you're you're down for the count. I think. If you find that perfect sweet spot where you've racked up a good alcohol bill with two guys. Ten drinks. Ten drinks each? Yeah. Because then you do ten drinks each. In my heyday, yeah.

Now that would kill me. But ten drinks per guy. Come on. Ten drinks per guy drunk enough to really. Did we do this three weeks ago? Ten drinks per guy. Then you're drunk and you're ordering all the food. But still, I mean – 10 drinks per guy, you're probably knocking off $300 right there.

Are we doing with tip, by the way? No, no. And now we got to get $700 worth of food at Chili's. Let's do average – I mean Chili's has a three for 10 thing. So your first drink is going to be included with an app and an entree. That's tough, man. Can I turn down the specials?

Yeah, yeah. Give me full price, please. I mean, like, the average prices on the Chili's menu ranges from $6 to $17. $17. Kick it up, baby. That's my steak. $17. Kick it up, baby. That's my stake. $17 is the highest we can go. We're going to be here a long time, dude.

Yeah. Let's just say three meals a day at the highest price. Let's round up and say it's a New York City place. Let's say it's $25 in New York City. Okay. Big baller. $75 a day if you're just doing one meal.

Get the appies in there. I think appies get a little more leeway with finishing the plate because no one finishes appetizers. You know what you really got to do? Let's break it down by meal. Each meal you have to get to 50 bucks because then you could do 150 a day.

You do 150. That's 300. Then we could do like a weekend maybe. Oh, yeah. You know? Yeah, we could knock it out in a weekend. And that's like – and that's if you just sit there and do meals. If we like pick all day and we eat all day.

But I don't know. If I get like $50 worth of food at Chili's per's per meal for me like i don't have a big stomach so i have to get like a full appetizer uh a full entree and some dessert and finish it all each and every time if there's a judge being like no you didn't eat enough there it could linger on but i think like in a week yeah like a two two and a half days like go go fr night, go through all day Saturday and all day Sunday. I think we can do Friday and Saturday. I think we can have Sunday for poops. We're going to need them.

We're going to need them. Sunday's for the poops. So to a man, could you eat $500 worth of chilies in two days? If I can drink, yes. If I'm going for it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nah, this is easy. This is easy. In two days don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nah, this is easy. This is easy.

In two days, 500 bucks? Yeah, yeah. I mean, but if you think about it ordinarily, in two days, I would do like $100 worth of food at Chili's if I went back-to-back days, like maximum. You know what I mean? Not 500. The drinks are the secret weapon because drinks are expensive. Yeah.

Like, you could get yourself a fucking big margarita. That's probably 20 bucks. Yeah, those. And it's mostly sugar. They're not even hitting you with the booze. We go to Chili's in Times Square. We might be able to do this in six hours. We might be able to do this in one sitting.

But I think conservatively, reasonably, it would be a weekend. But give us your time predictions. Let's do our last voicemail of the day since this is a big-ass episode. It's brought to you by Upstart. Upstart, debt is a big-ass episode. It's brought to you by Upstart. Upstart debt is a motherfucker. If you're one of these doctors that we talked about or anybody who paid for school, paid to get started, you're in debt for various reasons, Upstart can help you pay off that debt with a personal loan all online. That's the best part.

You do everything on the Internet. Paying off credit cards. If you're consolidating other debt, other high interest debt, let's say you're funding a personal expense. You have like a big thing that plopped in your lap. Like, oh shit, I got to pay this bill. I got to pay for this thing. I got to buy this piece of property. I got to pay for this bill, this tuition, whatever. That's where Upstart comes in and they will get you a personal loan to take care of it with one fixed monthly payment to pay the whole thing off. The key here is that they know you're more than just your credit score because there are banks and places that will just look at your number,

and if you don't fit the number, you don't fit in their box, you're out. But I think Upstart knows there are idiots like us who are like, oh, you didn't pay your fucking gym membership that one time, so technically you have a bad credit score, but look at how much money this guy has or what his salary is. I didn't pay. I didn't return a cable box one time. You're fucked.

I didn't pay a gym membership one time. And this one was my mother's fault. She didn't tell me that my credit card was not my responsibility. That's not her fault. Yes, it is. No, it is no it is because i i i was in college i had an emergency credit card which obviously i didn't just use for emergencies naturally and then she just didn't tell me that that was my like she's like once once she realized i wasn't using for emergencies

she just she's like i'm done paying it and just didn't tell me for like five years do you know what your credit score was after that oh i mean it was in the gutter i'm pretty i'm pretty afraid that my credit score every time i've been afraid of my credit score it's been good so i'm hoping i still ride that wave but i i 100 wholeheartedly know i have a gym thing going on they called me a couple times during covid and i was like bro it's covid we're not doing this yeah i would hope they just did like forgiveness that fucking crunch yeah you can't even kick me out of my fucking apartment yeah right get the fuck out of here um so upstart knows all these things happen they know that you have a good job and and you're otherwise that you deserve a good loan and you deserve to get out from underneath your debt

all it takes is a five minute online rate check and you can find a you can get an upstart loan for between one and fifty thousand dollars and you can get the funds in as fast as one business day. Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments when you go to upstart.com slash KFC. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit income and certain other information you're provided in your loan application. upstart.com slash KFC. KFC, fight. Dick, Jackie, what's up? I got a duty for you. I was going to say But you can only stop the only thing to count After you've made 100 bucks

I'd love to hear your take on it Viva I was gonna say That's you know whatever You can make it But like so you gotta make You gotta earn That's cool

That's a very But also like what's the punish There's gotta be something punishing you For every like month that goes by That you don't have that 100 dollars Something happens to you Like you gotta grind more Cause I could just be like

Never happened guys sorry You know what I mean Yeah every month I have an extra 50 bucks that you don't have that $100, something happens to you. Like you gotta grind more? Because I could just be like, never happened, guys. Sorry. You know what I mean? Yeah, every month, extra 50 bucks. Or like you never get back in the league or something like that, you know? I think every month,

50 bucks goes up. And then it's like, yeah, you're back up. Because you gotta promote that shit on your IG. Like you could, like your credit score goes down. Like you, I mean,

like there is a way, you should also have to monitor where this money's coming from. Because like he could get his girl to just fucking pay him 100100 or whatever it is. But that, yeah. Like an honest $100 on OnlyFans. How long that would take you?

I think I could do that very fast. Well, I mean, obviously, it's kind of cheating with us. Like $10,000 in a minute. We could be. I mean, I got to practice what I preach. I tell girls all the time, you should do it. Like, bro, we should do it It's just fucking me getting rectal exams

What a great Oh I said this the other day I did cameo I'm doing a bunch of cameos for people Who do fantasy drafts I guess it's a big thing You have people like announce the draft order And all that shit

And one guy They had a draft They had a fantasy football penalty. Yes, everybody has a penalty. So the guy who came in last place, you have to go to dinner with a sex doll. You have to sit down at a restaurant with a Japanese sex doll. And I was thinking, what a sneaky, great thing if you lose. Why? thinking what a sneaky great thing if you lose why because you can be like oh yeah i got this sex doll because of fantasy football i gotta take it to dinner the guys won't let me play

and then you go home and you fuck that sex doll all the time bro anybody ever catches you anybody ever finds it oh that was the thing that was the bet't think. You can fuck a sex doll all you want, John. I don't think I want to fuck a sex doll. I do. You don't want to fuck a sex robot? I do. Sex doll? Well, hang on.

We're talking about different things now. But also a sex. They're making these fucking things look real now. Yeah, but they're too real. You're such a fucking pussy prude. I think that fucking a sex doll is just a little bizarre. It's a little too weird for me. Yeah, so is fucking wanting thermometers up your ass, but you ain't here.

I didn't want it. I just allowed it. It's different. I didn't fucking put in a request, Kevin. I didn't want it. I allowed it. Dude, I went on for like five minutes. That's basically every time I have sex.

I didn't want it. I allowed it. I didn't want it. I just allowed things to happen to me. I would hold up in a court of law. I didn't want it. I allowed it. I went on for like five minutes on this came happen to me. I would hold up in a court of law. I didn't want it. I allowed it. I went on for like five minutes on this cameo being like,

this is good. Dude, this guy's actually a winner. I would join this league just to lose because I could get a fake – I have a fake excuse to get a sex doll. Same thing here. What if this guy takes off? What if it's like, oh, yeah, I got to do this because of a joke, and then all of a sudden he like –

it's like the first step is the biggest step. You know what I mean? All of a sudden he's making – All right. So let's go to this. All right. Like say you're a – nobody is not a nice word. But you're not Kevin Clancy.

Yeah. Yeah. How are you – first of all, how are you getting your promotion? Second of all, what's your first pick you're popping up? I think I would go to Barstool Sports because a blogger could pick this up. You know what I mean? And I think you got to try to get at somebody like that. Get somebody to amplify your message by –

Okay, but then what's your first pick? What do you mean my first – like what I'm going to do on OnlyFans? Yeah. Pick shirt, you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking vid. Oh, you're going vids. I think it's got to be.

I think it's got to be something funny. Yeah. Is that allowed? It's allowed. Am I hot? A funny picture. No, you're Kevin Clancy. Okay.

Because it's like. Yes, you're Kevin Clancy. I mean. You're you. Because I actually think. Yeah. I don't think sexy works for a random like dude a girl no problem obviously but a guy i think it's got to be like i will like do xyz i'll like do some jackass shit or whatever if i think it's funny

if you try and be sexy i don't think people like remember when we did that with snapchat we had that snapchat show uh that's not just so that snapchat deal we're out in la with all the influencers yeah and we were just trying to be sexy at the market yeah yeah like sexy but even that it's like i don't even even see someone joking around being sexy if you're just some random dude but i do want to see like you know that dude said he'll like you know tase himself or jump off of a fucking this or that or you know yeah something like that that's like some steve oh shit i think is realistically your best shot hundred dollars is pretty pretty low if you're thinking about like you know you just don't want to do this because it's an aggravation it's like a punishment but if you had to do it i think you

can make a hundred i think so you got to put that up a little higher if we're talking about just like you got it like your life's on the line yeah what if it's grand yeah your life's on the line you got to make a thousand dollars on only fans what are you doing that's a little higher if we're talking about just like you got it. Like your life's on the line. Yeah, whatever you say that's grand. Your life's on the line. You got to make $1,000 on OnlyFans. What are you doing? That's a great question. That's a great question. Girls don't count. Girls don't count.

Yeah, I'm sticking my finger in my ass. Yeah, done. I made $100,000 like in a fucking night. God, wouldn't that be like this podcast is too long. I could go on forever. But if I was a hot chick and I just had, if I knew I had the ability, all I've got to do is stick my finger in my ass right now. And I'm going to make, like, $50,000.

There was somebody in our Facebook discussion group. She started an OnlyFans, made three grand in ten days. And she's like, everybody, go start one. Yeah. I mean, that's, you know, you can make some big bucks. Also, tell her to send that link. Free fuck it with a promo code. All right. Let's get into our interviews.

We start off with Elijah Wood. You've seen him in Middle Earth and Lord of the Rings. You've seen him in Green Street Hooligans. He's got a new movie about the Ted Bundy murders. Just one of the all-time. He's just got, like, hits. You know, like, good, solid movies. Like, oh, yeah, Sin City, awesome. Lord of the Rings, awesome. Like, it's just everything he's done has been hits you know like good solid movies like oh yeah sin city awesome lord of the

rings awesome like it's just everything he's done had been solid good movies and he's a young dude he's like our age he's been mega famous for all these years still a great guy it's brought to you by three chi uh three chi you make you feel like you're in middle earth you pop some three chi and all of a sudden you're talking in elvin elvish and shit like that because 3C is the real deal that gets you going, man. This is not some like just CBD cream that you put on. This is a psychoactive real deal supplement, if you will, that will get you buzzed, that will give you the euphoria, that will give you the tingles and the giggles, and you'll have yourself a good time while taking care of stress and anxiety and pain and all those other issues uh the best part is you can vape it you can eat it you can cook it they've got cookies and brownies and brown uh rice crispy treats they've also got gummies they've got tinctures you can put the oils in yourself scary they're

all scary good it's all you got and you got to listen to the dosage because you'll want to eat five of the cookies can't do that uh threechi.com it's all delta eight. It's all on Facebook. And you've got to listen to the dosage because you'll want to eat five of the cookies. Can't do that. 3chi.com. It's all Delta 8, meaning it's an extract of THC, which takes all the good of THC and takes out all the bad. It's too good to be true, except it is. They've got the cookies. They've got brownies. They've got Rice Krispie Treats.

And now introducing, they've got Delta 8 Root Beer Taffies. Whoa. They've got Delta 8 8-Ball Candies, Delta 8 Balls. We are dancing in there and playing with fire. Just walking on a knife's edge. Delta 8-Ball Candies and Disposable Vapes. They've got Root Beer Candies that are available in packs of six. How about this?

There's packs available of six, 50, and 80. Quite a jump from six to 50 and then 80. Talk about small, medium, and large. The eight ball candies are available in packs of five and 25, and the disposable vapes are right out of the box. Ten strains that you can pick from. So go to 3chi.com for all of those things. That's 3chi.com, the number 3-C-H-I.com.

Promo code KFC2021 at checkout for 5% off your order. It must be $21 an order to purchase. That's 3chi.com. Promo code KFC2021. Quick little disclaimer here. There's a lot of hospital talk in these two interviews. In fact, Elijah Wood tells me, Nick, to go to the hospital right fucking now, I think was his exact quote. Don't worry.

I went to the hospital. I'm fine. You can't kill me. I met with Bezos' guys. Live forever. Unfortunately. Wouldn't that be the ultimate little twist if you were the guy who lives forever? A little black mirror for you.

All right. Interview time. Elijah Wood and Ari Shafiro. Let's do it. What's up, man? How we doing? I'm good. How are you? We'reafiro. Let's do it. What's up, man? How we doing? I'm good. How are you?

We're doing well. We're doing well. Awesome. Well, actually, that's a lie. No, Kevin just lied to you to start the interview. It's the worst way to start an interview. I should say, I am doing well. My friend here is not doing well.

I'm dying. Elijah, as soon as... Why are you not... As soon as this interview... Why are you not doing so well? I have stage three hypertension right now. As soon as this interview is done, I'm going right to the hospital. But I just wanted you to know I'm staying for you.

So no pressure, Elijah. Yeah, what if I die right in the middle of this? Wait, stage three hypertension? What? Why? His blood pressure is like through the roof. It's like 150 over 110. No, it's 160 over 116 right now.

Dude, are you sure you want to do this interview? Yeah. That's what I said. Fuck yeah, I am. You think I'm missing this? Let's go. This is a high compliment. This man is willing to put his life on the line for you, pal.

Yeah, if I make any weird faces, it's just my heart beating out of my chest. Dude, please take care of yourself. Holy shit. It's actually perfect that you're on because like what's what's your secret because i feel like you haven't aged in like 25 years man i feel like you look the same way you did back back in lord of the rings it's crazy i i i don't have anything to attribute that to beyond good genes i guess or just i don't know i've always looked young i've i've always looked younger than I am. Um, so I guess that's, that's why. Is that, is that something that you, yeah,

I feel like you hate that when you're younger and then when you're older, you're like, yes. Yeah, for sure. And when I was younger, I think, you know, as I was sort of clearly an adult, I looked, I looked like I was a teenager teenager maybe so i think that's when it was at its most annoying just because i wanted to be seen as being in my 20s and early 30s and i sure people perceive me as younger um but no it's it's rad now i mean i just turned 40 so well i mean i was i was stunned to see that only because not because you look older or anything obviously not like i just said but that that means you were, you know, you were young when you were first getting, when,

when Lord of the Rings first popped off, right? How old were you? I was 18 when we started shooting. Yeah. So I was 22 by the end of it. Once the, once Return of the King was released, I was 22. That 18 at, you know, like you, you go in as like a child actor almost and you come out as like, you know, 20 something veteran. It's crazy. It's not similar actually to going to university.

Yeah, right. You went to Lord of the Rings College. Yeah, you go to college at 18 and you come out in your early 20s. It was the same thing. Or, you know, you go to the military. Like there was something about that, those years that were, it was sort of apropos that I was going away to New Zealand to work on this thing that was so all consuming and also so defining in my life. Sure. And I was also becoming a man at the same time. Yeah, right, right.

There were so many things happening in parallel that made that an even more profound experience. Now, while I do understand the parallels, like I went to college and I came out of it as an accountant. And you went to college and you came out of it a fucking global icon, a Hollywood icon. So it's a little bit different. Yeah, same thing. Slept in dorms, I'm sure. Kevin paid $250,000. I think you probably made a little bit different. Yeah, same thing. Slept in dorms, I'm sure. Kevin paid $250,000. I think you probably made a little bit more than that.

It's incredible, man. I mean, at that age, when you're 18 and you land, that's a role that, I mean, you know you have a hit on your hands, right? Like there's no, you know, the book is so well. It's not like it's a, you know, oh, God we're going to hope, we hope this book adapts well. It's like, this is going to be a hit, right? You knew that you had that on your hands? We knew that it was a film series of significance. And we had a feeling that based on the legions of fans of the books, that there would be a, that there was a built-in audience for the movies.

But it was still a risk. You know, the scale and scope of what they were trying to do or what they did was unprecedented. And certainly at that budget level. And there was a lot of risk involved. You know, typically if you'd make a trilogy, you make one film,

you see how it performs. Right. From a studio standpoint anyway, and then you're able to kind of go, okay, we can rest assured that there's an audience for this and we can invest in the other two films. This was taking that risk from the get-go. It was the move to make because there's no other way to make these stories because it is one continuous journey.

It had to be done this way, but there was a lot of risk involved, certainly for New Line. Now for us, did we know it was going to be successful? I think we felt like it would be a significant movie, but there was no way to know that it was going to be what it became. Right. There just isn't like you're too in, you're too in the mix of it. Right.

Right. We were in living in New Zealand, kind of very much tucked away from the rest of the world. And this is kind of early days internet, too. So the OneRing.net existed. There were certainly like spies trying to get information from the set. But even that was in its infancy. The spread of information was kind of just beginning.

There was no Twitter yet. There was no twitter yet there was no facebook so we really were kind of weirdly tucked away in this corner of the world living in isolation kind of living in our fantasy realm of our own creation so that when the movies came out there was an anticipation on our side of like it's gonna be something right but what it became it became, there was just no way to know. Yeah. No way to know. Now, you're talking about New Zealand a lot,

and you recently had a tweet with the face palm emoji with the – was it the Amazon? Is it an Amazon series? Yeah, the Amazon sort of Lord of the Rings series, which is actually not Lord of the Rings. I mean, it's – fair enough. They're using that placeholder. It's about – I think it takes place in the second age of middle earth.

So it's about, I mean, it's hundreds and hundreds of years prior to the events of Lord of the Rings, but yeah, they, they shot the reason in New Zealand, which makes sense given that that's, you know, up until now, that is the sort of established place of Middle Earth from a scenic scenario, landscape, so on and so forth. And yeah, they they moved the season two is going to be shot in the UK. And look, you know. All the power to them, but they clearly have their reasons for moving it to another country. It just from from my perspective, just reading that news,

yeah, my knee-jerk reaction was a facepalm just because it's like, well, fuck. You know, when you go to New Zealand, they say, welcome to Middle Earth. Like, it's so well-established. Right, right. So was that from a point of view of like you're a fan of the material

and you want it to stay authentic? Or is that from a point of view of I had to fucking go live in New Zealand for four years and you guys get to stick around in the UK? No, it's an emotional response. I love New Zealand. It feels like the work that, and again, like they're doing their own thing.

So they don't have to adhere to our work. But the work that had been done by so many people established New Zealand as geographically on film as middle earth so it just feels like because it has everything the landscapes have been so established shouldn't it stay there spiritually so it's like in a it's an emotional response I have a spiritual connection to the country. I, you know, the country has a spiritual connection to a degree to the material after all

these years, over 20 years. So it just seems like, you know, it'd be nice to keep it there, but then again, I don't know the ins and outs. This is from, like, reading headlines. They probably have their very good reasons for doing it, and I'm sure it'll be awesome. And England is gorgeous.

Elijah, we have Twitter too. We understand how it works. Oh, you want me to read things and read? No, no, no. I'm going to fucking have a knee-jerk reaction to this. And when Twitter asks me, do I want to read the article, I'm going to say, no, thank you. I'm just going to send this to my daughter.

Yeah, I love that. But it's kind of amazing on Twitter's, on their behalf, actually, that Twitter started to do that thing of like, are you sure you want to comment on this? Yes. Have you not read it? Yeah. It's kind of brilliant. I say like – I'll be like, man, fuck off.

And they're like, are you sure you want to send this? I'm like, yes, I am. That's exactly what I want to send. Is it weird for you to watch, to be a fan of the Lord of the Rings type material that you're not in? You know, when the second trilogy comes out or this TV show, do you ever – are you able to just watch it as a regular fan or do you get critical? It's fun. No, no, no. It's really fun.

It's super fun. Because, I mean, obviously I'm married to having played like one character. Right. That character exists within the confines of that story. So anything outside of that, I love Tolkien. I actually, as a child, read The Hobbit. That was my connection to Tolkien. So thrilled to be able to see The Hobbit films realized

and to see that story come to life as a fan. So I'm thrilled to see what they're doing with the series. I think the idea of delving into some of the more, the lesser known storytelling within the context of that universe is super thrilling. And I just, I don't, I don't know what it is. And I'm as excited as anybody else as a, as a fan. I, and I don't have what it is, and I'm as excited as anybody else as a fan. And I don't have any connection beyond just having been a part of the sort of alumni of Tolkien, if you will. So I'm just excited.

Speaking of Lord of the Rings, what do you think your most iconic piece of work is, and why is it Green Street? Green Street is fucking awesome, man. God, it's such a great movie. Bro, I got drunk in high school watching Green Street with like 10 of my friends and we all shaved the PD slicing the eyebrow into our eye. Green Street,

talk about becoming a man. I remember watching Green Street being like, I'm a boy, I gotta become a man. I gotta be like, I'm gonna go get in a fight in the alley right now. You know, that's a great movie. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, that comes back a lot. People really connect with that film.

It's got a real dedicated group of fans, which is awesome. Well, I mean, there's a lot. So who's more who's more dedicated? Lord of the Rings fans or Green Street fans? Because it's probably more Lord of the Rings fans. But I fans because it's probably more Lord of the Rings fans but I can imagine it being a rabid crew yeah the Lord of the Rings fans just are more probably more

extensive and maybe more dedicated in a way but then you know if you're talking about like actual football fans and football fans that are you know keen on violence that's a whole other subject

i i read still very much you know that that book got me to i mean that movie got me to read the book among the thugs by bill buford which is like a great movie a great book about uh soccer uh hooliganism and then uh yeah then when i got into soccer i almost chose west ham strictly for that reason and then i was like oh wait they're really bad never mind i was like i kind of want a chance to win you know what's kind of cool is when we when we made the film you know the the the in the script the central um and it's in the film the central sort of rivalry is between West Ham and Millwall. And while we were in pre-production,

they actually played each other. So we got to actually go, and that doesn't always happen, that they're paired off against one another. So we got to go see a West Ham-Millwall game for real. And it was intense. Were you in soccer prior to that was was that

or is that just an act yeah yeah not really i mean i you know down in new zealand um many of our cast were english so many many uh football fans amongst our cast so i was exposed to it a lot um and certainly watched matches um and had you know a sort of like bystanders um investment i suppose right just by by the nature of being friends with these folks uh but never got into it i never really have been a sports fan and i grew up and i was born in iowa um my father and my brother huge huge sports fans still to this day, big sports fans just never, I never cared. The only time I really genuinely care about sports is when there's something at stake. So like any playoff situation,

um, or any championship where it kind of comes down to two teams and there's, there's human drama involved because there is, uh, there is, you know, a favorite and there is an underdog that just becomes so fascinating. Well, that's sports, man. That's the storyline. That's, that's why we like it for that drama. Right. That's it. Right. Exactly. By the way, you know what you hit us with just there? I don't know if you even noticed it's when you were referring to, uh,

like how the Lord of the Rings was like college, you hit us with a down in New Zealand. That's like, that's the movie version of saying I went to college in Cambridge. Like just outside Boston. Down in New Zealand. That's fucking funny. Down in New Zealand.

So the new movie, No Man of God, dives into the Ted Bundy world and really fascination, which I think is one of the weirdest fucking things about the human race. Like why this guy is so captivating and women are attracted to him. You know, it's like, what? That's a whole other thing too is, you know, to explore that psychologically, not just with Ted Bundy, but with other serial killers, these women that, these legions of fans.

Yeah. It's one thing if he's a good-looking guy and he attracted women in real life, but then after the fact, we'll be, no, he's a serial killer. There are still women who are like, oh, my God, so dreamy. What the hell's wrong with you girls? Isn't it crazy? It works on a thing. Yeah, definitely. will be no he's a serial killer there are still women who are like oh my god so dreamy what the hell isn't it crazy it works a thing yeah definitely it even works on a smaller scale now with like just the true crime podcasts where it's not it's not an obsession with a murderer it's an assumption with murder as a whole the whole genre it's like it's like my girlfriend's

definitely one of them she's obsessed with with My Favorite Murder and reading murder books. I'm like, what? It's fascinating stuff. Like, what is wrong with you? And I get it. I get obsessed with stupid things too. But I'm like, you know, that doesn't bother you at night because guess what? It's not mostly guys like me getting killed.

It's probably the stories you're listening to. It's someone who looks like you getting killed. Yeah. I mean, I think what makes Ted specifically so fascinating and why people kind of keep, why we keep coming back around him. You know, he was reasonably attractive, charismatic, very intelligent, very successfully kind of managed to have a whole life for himself

that would have made it very impossible and did for many people to believe that he was capable of what he did right so that i think that's the thing like that this person this very like charismatic again attractive classic american man you know classic good looks whatever that this guy could do that but isn't that also always the way people's brains like because you're like that's not i feel like you often hear people be like yeah you know he was my neighbor and he was the nicest guy it doesn't seem like there's ever like oh yeah no that guy did it he's fucking crazy you hear that you hear the but you hear the, but you hear the, he was really nice. He kept to himself. Right.

He wasn't very social. He didn't really go out much. I didn't really see him that much. It's, it's that thing. Like, you know, I'm trying to think, well, like, John Wayne Gacy, for instance, you know, he was a children's clown, like a clown for hire. But nobody, you know, he wasn't like a successful

member of society like these people tend to be a little shy a little removed kind of on the on the sort of um periphery of society for the most part ted was sort of right out front right you know he was like again in in local politics like wanted very much sort of didn't hide himself like was just out there um and again i think that's why he's sort of fascinating to the point where he had the fucking hubris to represent himself on the he didn't he declined a lawyer right like no i'll be my own lawyer because i'm smarter than all of you like and he failed he wasn't right it didn't work out yeah but that's but that's the person that he was you know a great great deal of hubris and a lot of charisma that sort of he kind of got by on that um but i think that's why he's fascinating why

people keep coming back to that story, which brings us to this version of the story or this part of his story that hadn't really been told before. And I think that's why we wanted to make this movie is there's every version of the Ted Bundy story has been told certainly of the murdering Ted Bundy. And what was fascinating about this was his relationship with this FBI

profiler, Bill Hagmeier. And it was a part of the story. I didn't know. I didn't know that this FBI profiler had sat with him for a number of interviews and had exchanged all these, his, these letters with him over the course of four years to the point where Ted considered him his best friend before he died and willed all of his earthly possessions to Bill, whom I think subsequently gave to Ted's sister

because he was like, I don't... Now, there's a good question. If Ted Bundy left you a nice sum of money or some cool shit, are you just taking that and being like, well, you know... I'll probably keep the cash. He earned that through politics, murdering that's not blood money wow that's interesting i also i didn't i had not did not know that story at all and that is it is a wild watch the trailer and it is it has the one of our favorite shows of late is mind

hunter and it has that kind of mind hunterunter feel to it, which is just unbelievable. That relationship between investigator and criminal, and they kind of create – they have like a bond in a weird way. Yeah, and there's a sort of – there's a verbal chess match that's happening, and the kind of central kind of thesis, if there is one to the film, is this idea of, you know, Ted's, which is can can can anyone murder? And his his thesis is, yes, I'm not strange. I'm not exceptional. I'm not crazy. Anybody is capable of doing this.

And that's what he sets out to sort of prove in these kind of verbal uh you know facts or conversations that take place and for bill it's to prove that no not anybody can be capable of what it is that you do and that's sort of at the core of it and i think a lot of that is just so ted ted ted didn't want to seem great he didn't want to be crazy. And I think he wanted for his own sanity to believe that anybody could do what he did. And Bill was setting out to say, no. You are unique.

And not everybody is capable of doing what you did in this particular way. Which is a funny argument for Bundy to make. You think he would want to be special, right? Because he does act like he's exceptional. I don't need a lawyer. I'm smarter than all of you. But then he says he's normal in that other aspect of his life.

Yes, but I think... Yes, but when I think faced with death, also trying to stay as execution, mind you. He desperately was trying to present that he... he was grasping at straws at the end of his life. He was literally trying to hold on to anything that could keep him alive. And one of them was to try and, you know, articulate to the law enforcement community that he was an asset. I can be an asset. Keep me alive. I can, you know, I can profile too. I can help with these cases. So he was really making inroads to try and be this asset, to be a reason, like to create a reason for him to stay alive.

And I think also when faced with death, the reality of what he had done was apparent to him. And I think, I don't know that he felt what was any degree of what we would consider guilt, but I think definitely upon face with death was dealing with a reckoning and i think you know this idea of proving that anybody was capable of doing it that he wasn't extraordinary also meant that he just wasn't crazy or wasn't a psychopath and wasn't a sociopath it didn't absolve him of guilt, but I think it made him feel better that maybe that other people could also do this too, that he wasn't exceptional in that regard. I don't know.

Let's hope he's wrong because if everybody's capable of it, that's a lie. I think he's absolutely wrong. We can close the book on that one, yeah. Is this something you do a lot of research for? It sounds like you're well versed on this now. But it's also got to be some pretty some research that keeps you up at night if you're doing a lot of the reading.

It's not a rom-com. I had been doing what was unintentional research for years just reading about this kind of thing. Watching documentaries, reading bits and pieces here and there about various serial killers just out of curiosity the same thing that drives you know any true crime sort of nut now um i've i've often been fascinated so you know i knew a fair amount about about ted prior to to making the film. But in terms of, you know, what I didn't know was Bill. And, you know, it's a daunting thing

to play someone who's alive. And obviously, if it weren't a movie made under COVID compliance, I would have loved to have spent time with Bill. And unfortunately, I was only able to talk to him on the phone. But, you know, had we made this at a different time, I would have gone back east and spent a lot of time with him because he's an incredibly fascinating individual who has, you know, a career that extends way past Bundy. I mean, Bundy was sort of the beginning of his career.

Eileen Wuornos was someone else that he had many, many conversations with. There were various serial killers as well as child molesters. And the most heinous people you can imagine, he has interviewed them. And he has this incredible ability to walk into a scenario with someone that, you know, we deem monsters, I suppose, and see them as human beings. And thusly, they feel seen and are able to sort of communicate in a way that otherwise they probably wouldn't want to open up um he gets that kind of out of people and not in any kind of manipulative way i think he just genuinely is disarming and human and you know uh tries to see the humanity in people despite their heinous acts. So anyway, I did get to have conversations with him

or a long conversation with him, and it was awesome. And that helped me understand what it meant to be a person like him walking into a room with that person. And a lot of that was a great deal of research. The thing about Ted was that Ted didn't trust law enforcement and would kind of had a major bullshit meter and would sort of build up this understanding of how do I approach this person? What is this person going to expect of me? How do I walk into this room? And how do I, how do I sort of navigate that conversation? It was just fascinating to, to learn that and understand, you know, how, how you psychologically prepare yourself for that well plus you've got

your experience uh from sin city dealing with whatever the fuck was going on with your character in that movie holy shit that keeps me up at night that was that was a weird that had to be one of the weirdest characters of all time no oh fuck yeah kevin was fun yeah i mean i love the i love the graphic novel so much and, um, you know, getting a chance to play any character in that universe was a treat. Um, and yeah,

playing that particular character, the sort of mute cannibal, uh, was really fun. We shot the whole thing in two days. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Two days. My part of it, we shot in two days because it was all against green screen um i think the only physical sets they had were like the bar they had a couple of physical sets but most of it was green screen so there wasn't like setups and lighting it was all kind of general um so it was really really fast and i didn't have any dialogue. It was all pretty much action. So it was really quick. We did everything in two days. It was a blast.

Sounds like you've done it all, man, from four years in New Zealand to two days against the green screen. And now no man of God is out now. So everybody go check it out. And we really appreciate the time, man. Thanks so much. Thank you so much, Elijah. Oh, dude, you're welcome so much Elijah get yourself to a fucking hospital

go now thank you alright alright big shout out to Elijah he's a man just like to be that cool and that famous that

that's one guy it's like boy fame did not get to him or ruin him or that was so funny when he was like so when i was down in new zealand yeah yeah just a casual throw out there all right ari shafir is on kc radio just a crazy son of a bitch uh who i'm always jealous of ari is the way he lives his life where he just like can pick up and go and he says he just takes a phone and just like throws in the river like, see you never. And everyone knows it. Everyone's cool with it. And he just lives his life. I'm always like, there's so many

different ways to live your life. And Ari is living basically the polar opposite of mine. So check it out. It's Ari Shapiro on KVC Radio. I was in the hospital a lot of times too, I think. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Fights was in the hospital that time too, I think. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, so, yeah, fights was in the hospital last time.

Like, no answer for what was wrong with him that time. They were just like. What do you mean? I just, like, my throat, I looked like a pelican. My throat, like, swelled up. It was like huge. It was probably just redhead and red shit. Whatever got you to that haircut. Like, it's going to all break down soon.

And orange hair. No, I went to CDMD for it, and they just started treating for gonorrhea. I went to the ER, and two days later, they're like, yeah, why are they treating for gonorrhea? I was like, I just took the medicine they gave me. They're like, you can throw that away. That's not what's wrong with you. That's all they do at CityMD. They're just like, here's a Z-Pak.

Can I plug this in somewhere? Does anybody have one? Frightens white women so much. Like, no, you're everything. Yeah, I had to take a test for chlamydia.

And, because someone was like, I have chlamydia, you must have given it to me. One in two chance, you know, it's always that. And then I took a test,

and then they lost the test. They just misplaced it. At CDMD? Yeah. Well, to me, it's always that. And then I took a test and then they lost the test. They just misplaced it. At CDMV? Yeah. Well, to me, that's a negative. Yeah. I didn't get a positive

so I don't have chlamydia. They're like, we can do it again but I'm like, I already took the treatment for it but I need to know who to blame. Now I don't know

who to blame. Right. That is unfair. That's like the battle. I was supposed to fight without this information. Right. Yeah, we can test you again

but I'm like, you gave me the fucking pills It would have been gone already I'm so fucking mad at this Well now you just pick whichever one you don't like Blame that person So then yesterday We thought we had maybe a COVID situation

Everyone went and got tested And they're like you don't have COVID But you do have like severe hypertension blood pressure I was stage 3 hypertension And they're like if you don't get this down he goes the doctor goes the doctor was a dickhead he was not helpful and what do you expect that that's that attitude that gets you that high blood pressure are you mad at people trying to help you he's like he just goes you have 48 hours to live i was like i have 48 hours to what he goes to get that blood pressure down

i was like okay how do i do that he's like well first of all i'd relax like well you're not making that easy yeah and he goes that's not my job i'm like, okay. How do I do that? He's like, well, first of all, I'd relax. I'm like, well, you're not making that easy. Yeah. And he goes, that's not my job. I'm like, I don't know. I feel like it kind of is. That's not my job. This is like the high blood pressure

doctor from recent development. And then he was like, he's like, I don't know. I was like, so how do I get it down? And he's like, I don't know. What do you mean? You don't know, bro. He's like, I'd probably just eat better,

maybe exercise a bit. Maybe. Probably if I was me. It's not his job, but it's very close to his job it's as close as you fucking you should be able to give me advice on how to be a little bit healthier come on that kind of is your fucking job you need to hydrate how do I do that pop this on let's see what your blood pressure pressure is. Put it on the inside of your wrist. Oh, that's a bracelet. Put your arm like this. Mine was good. It was like 130 over 80.

I love when they tell you your number. You're like, sweet. Is that dying or perfect? I didn't go to medical school, so I'm going to need a little more information than what my systolic and dystolic blood pressure is. On this over this. There you go. That's right, though.

Is that right? I think it's like 120 over 80 is supposed to be like that's the desire. So what if you're 120 over 90 or 130 over 80? Like which one's – what's the – There is a chart. I'd probably have it on one still because I've been just looking at it panicking. 107 over 71. 107 over 71.

I think Ari's dead. Yeah, what? I don't think your heart's pumping. I am not surprised by that. I was going to say before you took this – Because I'm cold-blooded. I honestly think all the fucking mushrooms and weird yoga nonsense that you do, I feel like it helps you.

Relaxes me. Yeah. Gets me to the point where- 107 over 71. 71. Let's just pop a picture of that so we have the fucking proof. 107 over 71 is like, I feel like that's bad in the other direction. It indicates an ideal blood pressure. Ideal? 107 over 71? Yeah. feel like that's bad in the other direction It indicates an ideal blood pressure

107 over 71? Suck on that bitch I thought that shit was going to be low 107 over 71 So there's the target range right there It's perfectly an ideal Just like my weight Are you

Little weight like you probably No I'm not No I'm not. And everyone says you're thin, but you're not. No, I'm skinny fat. What? Yeah, I'm skinny fat. Oh, yeah. I'm kind of looking at your belly.

I said it when I looked in your face. Yeah, no, but you're like kind of sneaky in shape and stuff. Like do you try? I don't try. I only eat a salad once a week. If I start to get fat, then I'll be like, let me fucking calm down for a minute. Meaning what? You don't eat as much or you work out?

Stop just straight sugar. No, no, I won't work out. That's for losers. What are you doing? You're going to die. And we live in a society that's college. 124 over 73. I'm back, baby.

That's beautiful. That's fucking beautiful. We're going to have our wall of fame here for all of our... What happens if it goes off? You got to get whoever this is at the hospital. Well, that's why they gave this. Let's try you one more time. Let's see what your latest is.

Oh, the danger zone? Yeah. Yeah. So last night, I was in the third red. Yo. No. For what? What's going on in your life?

Oh, God. I mean, severe depression, alcoholism. The stalker. You know. The stalker. You got a stalker? Yeah. Boy or girl?

It's a girl right don't know it is text we keep laughing about it it's getting the point it's bad why don't you guys just change your fucking number let's change your number just be done with it i don't i don't want to lose my numbers you gotta you don't you don't lose your numbers you can update it which last thing yeah you can roll the lg nv i've literally never oh my phone i've never my phone has got contacts bro yeah yeah but then i have to text him like be like, hey, it's Vitalberg. I don't want to have that conversation. You should love this.

What is that? Out. You're dead. Wow. You're dead. It just says out. Out. I wish I just said fuck.

Out. You're fucked. What does that mean? I don't know. On your way out? Yeah. You better start saying your prayers, brother. Bro, you should love the idea.

Oh, it's one text. You just get a new number. You just text everybody, and you just go, here's my new number. And plus. You do the Bert Kreischer. We were just talking about him yesterday. Send a fucking goofy picture of your number with your dick out. Yeah.

But you should love this, because you're going to weed out people you don't want to talk to. That's true. You text, like, the 10 people in your life that matter, and then that's it. You go through all your contacts, like, include, include, include, and then you're like, um. You're out. Let them find me. Yeah, right, right. They'll find you eventually if they need you.

Or you get like that text like, hey, man, you're looking at the area code. You're like trying to piece it together. Like, all right, why would you be saying this to me? 140 over 90. I love that. You want to say like 140 over what? 99. 140 over 90.

That's higher on the side and lower on the one side. Yeah, so it's not good. If you're almost at 100 on the bottom number. Stage two right now. You're in stage two. Stage two hypertension. He's just sitting here. Stage three is like a heart attack.

If you were looking at him, you wouldn't be like, bro, that guy has issues. Yeah, what do you have to worry about? You hear that? You're successful. Ari says it. You work in, dude. Yeah, what do you have to worry about? You hear that? You're successful. Ari says it. You work in an office? I bet you you change your number, your blood pressure would go down like 100 points on either side. I would probably venture to guess you're right on that.

Just do it. Just be done with it. Yo, if you stalk people, you're a bigger loser than people who work out. You're a real fucking loser if you stalk people. I mean, it gets you moving throughout the day. If you're just looking for an excuse to get guys or stalking stalking yeah just like i don't know i'll pick feidelberg's like life and i'll just kind of like choose that and i'll walk around just get you to

see the city he's inside i know he's filming so i'll i'll take this hour to go to my cell get some coffee sometimes i'll i'll fucking like like i'm in a movie where i'll like i'll like take the subway for a bit and i'll jump off i'll take the subway for a bit and then I'll jump off and I'll take the cab for a bit back on the subway. Try to lose a tail. No fucking wonder your blood pressure's through the roof. It's like you're a fucking

CIA operative. I'll take a cab and I'll get out of the cab and I'll get a lift to pick me up there. Maybe they change cars. It's definitely over the top and unnecessary but I'm just trying to be safe. That is absolutely. Who is your stalker?

What do they do to you? Don't know. What do they do? They just send threatening texts. Oh, threatening texts. Yeah. Like pictures of the apartment and stuff. No.

Yeah. Of your apartment? Yeah. The cops have been involved in this yeah it sucks it's been going on for a while

how long pictures of the inside of your apartment not like it's just like right outside my apartment right right right it's been going on

for a couple months it started during the Bruins Islander series and if you change the number it all just ends so are you trying to tie it back to that

like it could be related to Bruins Islanders it could be it's not related are you a Bruins fan I to that? Like it could be related to Bruins Islanders. It could be. It's not related to that. Are you a Bruins fan, I assume? I have a Bruins fan, yeah. I would be pretty surprised if it's connected to that one.

Maybe an Islanders fan. They just couldn't get off it. Maybe it's Frankie. Maybe it's Frankie who's mad about that series. That's tough. You live here. You fuck a lot? You think it's a trick to fuck? I fuck a good amount, yeah.

I mean, it's my girlfriend. If she was stalking you, that would be a fucking disappointment. Actually, that would kind of be some crazy shit. Yeah, if your girlfriend started stalking you. Imagine you figure it out, you track it back, and all of a sudden you're like, all right, if we press this number we're going to find,

and you dial it, and all of a sudden her phone rings. That would be great. Did you ever hear the story of a guy or a couple going to find. You dial it and all of a sudden her phone rings. That would be great. What? Did you ever hear the story of like a guy and a couple going to like an agent and his girlfriend, they get invited to like a football player's like party. So they go in there and the girl immediately, her phone connects to the internet. I'm on the Wi-Fi.

Yeah, yeah. Wait, how'd you get that? That's great. That's the new black baby. I just ate this cream pie. Helps with hypertension. You ever think they would think about changing their name? Oatmeal cream pie?

Yeah. I wonder if those people even know. Yeah, they probably don't even know, right? Oh, they fucking know. They gotta know, right? At least the people who run their fucking social media for sure know. Somebody who works there knows.

At least one person. Do you think like Debbie knows? Do you think like Debra knows? Debra, yeah. I mean, how can you not know what a cream pie

is at this point? But I imagine they're probably like the... Because you work in that world. It's not like you've been in a cabin

and somebody gave you a cream pie. Like, oh, your whole life is cream pies. Cream pies, yeah. Anything related to cream pies, people are like,

oh, you might be interested in this. It's probably like Michael Bolton from Office Space. That's exactly what I was going to say. Why the fuck do I have to change it? I was first. Why did you guys have to pick? They must have been furious when that caught on where it was just like, well, all the porn

stars decided to say that cum in their pussy is a cream pie. And the horse hit out of the barn on this one. Not just the pussy. The asshole too. I'd like to up it a little bit and somehow maybe we can do like a crossover sponsorship. I know you guys get sponsors. If we can get

some style with porn and Little Debbie's. You know how you like come on a cookie and then somebody's going to eat the cookie? You get a little biscuit. Yeah, but shove a cookie

up a pussy, then come in the vagina. Oh, and then eat the cookie. And then bring it out and eat it. This is why you don't have sponsors. This is why you don't have sponsors. I definitely lose a lot.

For my key foods, listen, guys. Just think it over. It's fucking good, by the way, though. The oatmeal cookie does not get enough respect, I feel. It's the number one cookie. I don't know about number one, but it's not better than chocolate chip. Oatmeal chocolate chip is the derivative. It's boring. It's better than chocolate chip It's not better than chocolate chip Yeah Oatmeal chocolate chip Is the derivative

It's boring No no It's everything that's wrong With America You're trying to be It's just remembering The old days for no reason No it's not

Chocolate chip Updated to fucking Peanut butter chocolate chips No it's not Or milk chocolate chips No They're bad They're bad

No it's not It's good old Number one Fastball down the fucking pipe It's not bad It's good A good cookie You need to get brand new fresh to make it up passable.

Otherwise, just like, oh, whatever. No. That's like, you know, that's like. Oatmeal raisin. It's way better. It's clearly better. Snickerdoodles is better. Sugar cookie is better.

No. Snickerdoodles is definitely not better. A good sugar cookie is wildly underrated. None of these things are better than chocolate chip. You know what's overrated? Chocolate chip. No. Chocolate chip is properly rated.

No way. Overrated. It can still be good. I'll give you it's good. I'll back off my earlier statement chocolate chip. You know what's overrated? Chocolate chip. No. Chocolate chip is properly rated. No way. Overrated. It can still be good. I'll give you it's good. I'll back off my earlier statement. Okay. You better. Just keep some integrity. Yeah. I'll back off now. I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong. But it is overrated. And you're saying oatmeal number one. Number one cookie. It's very good. Oatmeal raisin. Sometimes you get

an oatmeal cookie and it's like, I'll fucking kill you. Why would you skimp on raisins? The cheapest of all the bonus ingredients? I think sugar cookie gets no love. But yeah, to me, that's like all, you know, I don't need all

the snickers and peanut butter that and like all these extra things. Those Italian cookies the guineas eat with all the colors. I don't want that. And any Italian dessert is garbage. Those like fine assorted cookies. They are. They're eat with all the colors. I don't want that. They're trash. Those are disgusting. And any Italian dessert is garbage. Those fine assorted cookies. They are. They're the worst of the whites.

No one is willing to say that. They're the worst of the whites. Albanians are close second but still second. Italians are the worst. Their cookies are awful and it shows how little they care. They're so addicted to their fucking old way of life they can't realize it's just drying out your mouth. Those cookies that come in like a – It's how Grandpa did it back in Sicily. their fucking old way of life they can't realize it's just drying out your mouth. Those cookies that come in

like a... did it back in Sicily. But the ones that are just like crumbly with like white powder on it, I'm like, what? I feel like I'm eating chalk.

Yeah. And they always call them like fine cookies or like assortment of like high society cookies. I'm like, these are all dry, crunchy,

gross. Trash cook. There's like weird fruit type of thing in it. It's like a raspberry or something. Yeah. Sometimes, yeah. A raspberry.

What is that garbage? Who says raspberry like that? Raspberry. Just give me some chocolate. I don't know. I don't think I've said raspberry like ever in my life because it's so fucking garbage. I would put them in there.

So I just found out raspberry it is. I mean, raspberries are good. Raspberries are not good. Raspberries are not good. Raspberries are so good. Raspberries, I mean, they're just like – A raspberry is just not a blueberry. That's what that is. It's like we're not a straw.

We're not a blue. We're a ras. If you pass a raspberry in a supermarket, you might get one, but no one's going to make a special trip for a raspberry. Yeah, no one's going, like, I need raspberries. Maybe I'll grab one on the side. But, yeah, the Italians, man, they're just – But what about – like about Do you like Italian food

Forget about the desserts Yeah pasta Yeah I mean they do that pretty well They do that pretty good Gotta give them that Yeah they do that pretty good And pizza though But they didn't even know

What they had with pizza Yeah we had to like Perfect that right We had to make it good Yeah they always claim pizza But I'm like you know You guys are too dumb To even know

It's a fucking great food item Morons Immigrants and morons What How did They didn't have like great food item. Morons. Immigrants and morons. What? How did they, they didn't have like, their pizza's not that like orange colored pizza. No, back then they used the sweat of their fucking manual labor as the sauce. How about when they make sauce on Sundays and they just fucking get out those cauldrons and they have the whole family like churning up tomatoes. The activity

is the making of the sauce. Did you ever have friends in college who were Italians and they'd be like, I have to go home on Sunday nights. You have family dinners. Sunday sauce dinners. What are you talking about? You're going home? Out in the garage in the driveway making your sauce. And guess what?

Your drive is three hours home? It's fucking mashed up tomatoes and your grandma comes in with? It's fucking mashed up tomatoes and like your grandma comes in with like a sprinkle of salt, pepper, and basil and it's like the magic fucking recipe. Yeah.

Like just give me the ragu, you fucking assholes. Dude, I was like well into my 20s and kids would still be like, yeah, I gotta split from the beach on Sunday. Gotta get home.

What? That's nuts. Back to mom and dad, mom and pop. What are you talking about? No, no, banana, Nina and Pinto. You have your own apartment.

You have a fucking... You're married with a kid, dude. Yeah, you have a life. You ever hear the thing that Italian moms won't, when they have a daughter-in-law, they won't give the daughter-in-law the full recipe for the pasta sauce. They give like one ingredient off so that the husband has to be like, my mom's is the best. Has to come back to my mom, yeah. That's a kind of trash way of thinking.

I don't know, my mom just does something different. A little bit better. That's the kind of trash way of thinking. I don't know. My mom just does something different. She's a little bit better. That's the love or something like that. No, it's that she didn't tell you to put the fucking paprika in or whatever. It's the opposite of love. You're being rude to someone who married your son. You're not accepting me into your family, you bitch. You're being standoffish and rude for no reason.

I'm trying to cook for your son. Don't you want him to eat well? You don't? You're're so worried about status and the family? The matriarch must be scared. Yeah, who goes home

for fucking family meals after you're an adult? Once a year or twice a year, I get it. Yeah, I'll go home for Thanksgiving. Yeah. I'll go home for a holiday meal,

but I've never gone home for a meal. And I'm not sitting with my gay brother this time. Two of us are in tents the whole time. My blood pressure's through the fucking roof. Imagine how your blood pressure would be if you spent more time with your family.

Jesus Christ almighty. That's crazy you got a stalker, dude. Yeah. They've been in your building. It's also crazy that it's like you. You're the last person. What's to stalk? You know Derek Jeter lives here, right?

It's like there's other people you can get. Way more interesting people than me. I stop at a bar on the way home and I go home and I watch Netflix for the rest of the night. And I wake up and I come to work. Then I stop at a bar on the way home and I go home and watch Netflix for the rest of the night. There's not much to stalk. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to tweet out your phone number.

And you just have to change it. I'm going to force you to change your number. It just all goes away. This horrific problem just goes away. And you're like, nah, I don't want to do it, which is very on brand for you. Just like, nah, it's a whole thing. So I'm going to keep going through this whole thing because the solution seems like a whole thing. Yeah, basically.

That's the behavior of a man with hypertension three. I've had to change my number a couple of times. You just get random people texting you or calling you. Yeah. And it's like, this is really hard for you. Yeah. We were just talking about that with Bert, that dog fucker. He was just talking about how the people will be like, is it you?

And you're like, yeah. And they're like, so what's up? And it's like, what? You've got to change the number. And I don't know how Bert gets it. No, I know. He probably gives it to a lot of radio guys and stuff. And then they're like, yeah, Burt's number.

He seems like he probably plays it fast and loose with his number. Fast and loose. I also feel like if you're in a position where someone asks for your number or they say, can I give your number to this guy? I feel like if you say no, you seem like a douchebag. You've got to be on a certain level. I think you ignore it. I think that's the answer.

Yeah, yeah. Because if you say no... No, I don't want that guy with my number. You have to really be on the record. I think you've got to be fucking, like, famous or rich or really important. Like, if I told you that you can't give my number to someone, I think you'd be like, really, dude? No one can have your contact?

I mean, I would never ask you that. But, like, I think it's fair. I've said no to people before. Yeah? Oh, you can't give them my number yeah like family members asking like like their friends cousin or like their friends want some advice yeah i'm like look man i don't have any advice you know what i do yeah what i do in that situation is i say uh i'll be like oh you know what the uh email is better i

respond oh yeah definitely don't look at email anymore so i'm done with email you the email is better. I respond to emails better. I definitely don't look at email anymore. So I'm done with email. You are? Email is overrated. I'm over it. I'm done. I haven't looked at my email in, I mean, I look at it because it's like, oh, what's like my ad for today's show? Let me just check.

But like, I haven't sent or corresponded. Really? What do you do? Just text? Just text. Damn. I don't do that either. Nick kind of like runs my email for me.

He'll like look at shit for me it is great to just be like oh there's so much here i don't it's got it's overused that's what i mean like there's mostly and there's so much that's the thing like back when it was just kind of like it was almost like getting a letter it was like you know if you get a letter it's oh this is gonna be something important and i mean when i when i worked like a desk job and i sat in front of my computer all day it's one. And I'm talking to friends or emailing funny shit around, whatever. Now it's just like, you know, nope. Don't you just want to get off?

Just want to be off all of it? Like, I don't know, run into me. God. If you want me or something. I can't wait for the day. You're pretty good about that. You'll disappear for months on end, right? Yeah, I love disappearing.

It's the best. And then people are like, I tried to reach you. I'm like, yeah, I know. That's the point. You're like fucking Bruce Wayne. Where do you disappear to? Do you leave the city or you just go off? Oh, he goes to the Amazon. Yeah, I know. That's the point. You're like fucking Bruce Wayne. Where did he disappear to? Did he leave the city? Oh, he goes to the Amazon.

Yeah, two different things. How long were you in the Amazon for? It was just Ecuador. Amazon was like a third of it. So I was there for probably like a month and a half or so, over six months. And he goes and lives in the fucking woods. Yeah, dude. Or just like foreign countries.

Go stay in hostels and fucking have a good time. But that's the thing. You don't ever go to like, you won't just go to like a hotel or live somewhere. No, I will. But like, dude. I'd fuck it. Or just like foreign countries. Go stay in hostels and fucking have a good time. But that's the thing. You don't ever like go to like – you won't just go to like a hotel or like live somewhere. No, I will. But like no. You kind of live it up like the locals, right? Yeah, like having fun. Like getting dirty.

It's so much more fun that way. And then you meet cool people and like – listen, if you're at a hotel, you've never met a chick at the breakfast, the free breakfast at the hotel and fucked her in the shower that night. You know? That's like not a hotel life. Sounds like a very specific hostel reference. Check my eyes. Shout out. Because nobody can fucking adorn

except Germans. They don't give a shit. They'll fuck on a bunk bed right on top of you. And you haven't gotten laid in a month and this guy's fucking giving it to this fucking American chick who's having the time of her life. She's like, I'm living. Come here. And you're just like, shut up.

Go to the showers. Go to the showers. Yikes. Hear that in Germany. You're supposed to fuck quiet when you're doing shit like that. You guys have fucked with people around. It's this. You know what? That's truly humping. When you do that, it's truly humping.

I humped her. You know? Full on. Come on. You can't use torque when you're fucking above someone. The best is when you're doing that, the quiet humping, and you think you're getting away with it, and then someone's like, I know what you're doing. In some ways, it's

almost worse, because you're like, oh, dude, just be done with it and then someone was like I know what you're doing in some ways it's almost worse because you're like like ah dude just be done with it yeah like I'd rather you be loud and fast maybe that's what they're doing I can smell it or you tried the whole way

you're quiet and then right at the end you're like when you disappear like that do you do you have like that Do you Do you have like agents And managers and shit Who are like

Where the fuck are you No I tell them I'm like I'm gonna go You're going So like I try to take care Of all my business Somebody's like relying on me Yeah

You know Like if you just didn't Show up one day Everybody else would be like What's going on But like guys I don't know Whatever

A date ahead October 1st I'm gonna be gone I'm gone yeah So we're not gonna have shows Yeah man You did a good job We talk a lot about like Living that life date ahead of October 1st I'm going to be gone I'm gone yeah so we're not going to have shows yeah man you did a good job we talk a lot about like

living that life of like you know the life you're living where it's just like I don't know if I want to pick up and live in the fucking Bahamas for a month

I'm going to do it I mean look what we do you could do I mean you tried to do it during COVID why? because you have a kid? fucked up

you lost loser wrong decision totally wrong left it in and then didn't do the groundwork afterwards to convince you to do the right thing Fucked up. You lost. Loser. Wrong decision. Totally wrong. Totally wrong. Left it in and then didn't do the groundwork afterwards to convince you to do the right thing. I get it. You left it in.

It happened. But then you got to go to work with mental, just beating them down. Tell them how it fucking fucks up your mind, your body. And just really get in there. You have three months, six in some states. Get it done. And you didn't do it. And now you're living the fucking repercussions. You can still run. You can still run.

You can't do this show anymore, but you can run. I'm not totally out of options. Start a new life. Bank some money. Borrow some cash and go live in Cambodia. Just start taking out a new bank account and just start taking out, like, $500 a month. Just put it in that account, and then

when you're gone... What's, like, the modern went out for milk and didn't come home? Oh, yeah, what is it? Ghosting. Yeah, just... Ghost a family? My dad ghosted me when I was three.

It shows he read my text. Why won't he reply? My dad left me on read for 30 years straight. Yeah, I actually... I don't regret having kids, but I regret what I did prior to having kids. I definitely should have done it later. That I know.

But I also... I should have lived that life of like, you want to just pick up and go? Fuck it. Let's do it. Oh, right, right, right. Like, I just did such a normal life of just, like, yeah, here's where I work. And then I go to bars and I hang out. You know, go on dates.

I go to work. And, you know, same shit he was describing. And now. One of the things that motivates me to do fun stuff is, honestly, is, like, not spitefully but like to like make my married kids jealous yeah yeah to some degree

it's like what are you doing with your singleness yeah it's like oh yeah let me show you I'm actually playing

Xbox all day yes right that's really the thing it's like and I really the one thing I wish about life is if you could like

if you could know you don't know what you got until it's gone or like cherish what you have in the moment because you never you know when you're young you're like I don't have enough you got till it's gone or like cherish what you have in the moment. Cause you never, you're, you know, when you're young, you're like, I don't have enough time to do that. And it's like, bro, you have all the time in the fucking world.

That's the thing too. But everybody, I mean, if especially working freelance-ish type stuff or you work like remotely, like right now it's like you get a flight tomorrow to a place. Just look at a few places, look at the weather and then narrow it down based on that and just go for a week. Also, you can just get away with so much more now. shout out to covid i know it's been pretty bad but also just after like the aftermath is people like everyone's just like i go to work at like 11 now yeah yeah just because they just decided to like i was talking to my buddy last night i was catching

up for the first time in a while on the phone he was like so you're going to work five days a week now and i was like yeah and he's like yeah me too man like what is this about and like all of a sudden like five days a week becomes like optional in a way yeah he's like i think i'm gonna work he's like i think i'm gonna cut it down like i'm not doing that anymore like three or four you gotta interview people it's like a little different i guess yeah yeah we're definitely different but like even even the corporate jobs i feel like it's like i think yeah i'll do like three days a week in the office too at home like i think they're all revisiting it now. They're like, what's 40 hours?

What's that based on? We can get stuff done on the internet, on email. Why do we have to come in? Why is it 40 hours? We're not twisting a lug nut. At some point, I don't know, 25 hours-ish. Yeah. And it really is just like if everybody at once decides to do it, it's like a big union thing where your bosses and shit are like, oh, I don't know.

Fuck it. I can't make everybody. Yeah, you would need to do that. You would need to have everyone be like, let's all on the same page. I think we did it. I'll work 40 hours. Yeah, right. You're the curve wrecker who ruins it.

I think the American workers as a whole did it. Yeah, it took COVID. But we definitely do summer Fridays now. That's like no one comes to work on friday summer fridays is the best i've noticed man mondays too when i drive in there's no traffic really i think i think new york city at least the collective has just decided we don't go to work on mondays because i fucking fly in and out august or always the whole like everything wow it's been weird because like the traffic has been fucking a disaster once things resumed

because everybody started driving and then nobody went back to the train, so it's like double the cars. But then Mondays, it's like zip and throw. So everyone just said, fuck Mondays, which I respect. I wonder what else decisions you make. Everyone's just stealing my move. For what? The Monday's off, kid. Monday's off.

I didn't go to school Monday, 18 Mondays in a row when I was in second grade. They called the police on my parents. Really? Yeah. It's one of the in a row when I was in second grade. They called the police on my parents. Really? Yeah. It's one of the more bizarre stories because you were in second grade. What do you mean? You just claimed sick? I was just like, I claimed sick the first two times, and then my mom was like, she had

three other kids. She was like, I'm just not dealing with it. Fine. Do whatever you want. And so, like. Mail time. It was like, she just stopped even waking up anymore. She doesn't go to school on Monday.

Would she drive you there and be like, get out of the car? And you'd just be like, no? No, I literally never once got in the car. She didn't care? She wouldn't just drag you or pull you by the ears? Did she say she had three other kids? That's not so much. It's not that bad.

I thought it read in my mind as like nines. I'm like, oh, yeah, you must lose track. No, no, no. It's a big family, but it's a relatively normal family. I was the oldest, so it was three younger kids that she had to kind of like really get ready. Yeah, let's be real. She punted on you. Yeah.

She was like, I fucked this one up, clearly. I mean, if she looked into your future, she had to realize you don't need school for you. He's going to be dead with high blood pressure when he's 32. She was a big mental health lady. She's like, you need a mental health day? Fine, I'll go to school today. And I just always needed them on Mondays. And look how that worked out.

Your mental health is spotless. Dude, that's what they're saying now is like mental health is like, it's sick leave, but not like vacation leave. But like, how do you convince your foreman or your boss that like, yeah, I'm taking a mental health day, but they're not going, no, it's a vacation day.

That's a fucking joke. Are you at the beach? Yes, for my mental health. Right. Yeah, how do you tell them that? I don't know anyone Who's been able to do that Like that to me You have to claim a car Do the doctors know

Like I'm issuing him Prescribing him a day at the beach Unless you snap Then you can take a bunch Of my health pills But then I feel like It's like Yeah you better prove it

You better come in here With a fucking gun And then I'll let you leave But if you tell me You need a mental health day I think you need to be like Like show me proof that you're like at a therapist's office that day because no but i know i know that going to the beach is what like relaxes you and shit but then it's like but then i just feel like you're fucking pulling one over on yeah exactly so i need to see

you at like a church or like uh fucking i don't know somewhere that's like you're getting your mind right because otherwise i think you're just fucking partying. I think as long as you're in therapy you can do that. No, no, because you're just like, hey, it's getting too much. I just want to like

walk around all day, get high, see a movie. Yeah, you're right. It's like, I just want to have a fun day. That's what it really comes down to.

And then the boss is like, yes, on a weekend. We built in two days for those. Yeah. That's really what they should do is they should have just

done four and three instead of 5 and 2 The difference between 4 and 3 4 and 3 is almost 50-50 5 and 2 is a whole thing If every weekend was a 3 day weekend It would be like what Spain is Spain just didn't work at all

How does that happen How does Spain continue to function They're a pretty good country It's not like they're fucking scrubs. I think so. They're up there in the European Union. They've had some genocides. The European Union threatened to kick them out.

Did they? Did they? Fucking lazy bums. You're worse than the Italians, Spain. You don't even work. Well, no, it was when I was there. I went there when I was in high school. And it was my first time ever experiencing siestas.

And they're real real. They're like the whole fucking place shuts down. You can't write a movie from like noon to 4 p.m. Crazy. And the European Union was like, look, guys, you got to work with us. We can't reach any of you during most of the day at any time. Do they legit nap, or do they just like chill? It's so hot there.

It's crazy to lay down. It's so hot. And pre-AC, they're to lay down. Madrid and stuff, it's so hot. And pre-AC, they're like, we can't work from like 2 to 4. We have to take a break. Is it really that hot? Yeah, I think so. Like what are the – I don't know.

In the summertime in Spain? Is it on the equator? No. Why is it so hot? Because of wind patterns. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think it's that hot.

I think you made that up. No, because Portugal is obviously right there. What is it, like 90? And Portugal is like – It's hot. How hot is it going to be? I don't know I don't think it's that hot I think you made that up No Because Portugal's Obviously right there What is it like 90? And Portugal's like It's hot It's hot Unless it's like 120

It's not like crazy hot For you to say I can't go to work Because it's too hot That's some lazy shit Good point It's hot in a lot of places Yeah

You're right Why is it Spain siesta? There's no Kenyan siestas Right Right Yeah there's way worse Way hotter places They work through it Yeah The days you want to use Spain siesta? There's no Kenyan siestas. Right, right. Yeah, there's way worse, way hotter places. They work through it. The days you want to use a siesta, they're the best thing in the world when you're like, oh, I can use it now.

But the days you don't, they're fucking hell because there's nothing to do. If I – how long is it? I think it's like three hours. That's a bit much. If I could get like – I think you've got to work until 7 or 8. Then again, that's why they do dinner at 10. I'm out on that whole fucking thing not on that whole thing i was just talking to a guy here he's going to a birthday party it starts at 11 i'm like brother i will be out like a light at

11 o'clock tonight uh no i think he said it's this weekend but still 11 o'clock like at a club it's funny if somebody says they want to have like a kid's birthday at 11 a.m., I'm also like, no way. What are you, crazy? I was surprised you wanted this. I'm more like you, Ari. And I was like, Ari wants to give me a gift at 11? Well, I was supposed to give a couch to DeRosa today. So who said I need your back by one?

Joe DeRosa is getting your hand-me-down couches? Yeah, I took it from somebody else, so it's pretty gross. Why does Joe want his couch? I don't know. Joe, he's not hurting that bad. He makes the sauce, too. And then when you're done, he works all day on it. And I've literally done a taste test where I've shown people that and Prego and mixed them up.

And they don't know? And people can't tell the difference. That's what I said. Give me the fucking ragu. I know that there can't be that big of a difference. And they act like you're, you know. Oh, I'm from a jar. I could never.

It's like it's literally just smashed tomatoes. And I sprinkled some paprika in. Why is Joe DeRosa getting hammy now couches? He's opening up a bar. A bar and whatever. So he needs a couch for upstairs. Oh, that's right. I heard him talking to Chris about this. And he's like, he was admitting it's just the worst worst idea ever let's open up a brick and mortar spot right now

that's a great idea the best we're all hanging out and sal volcano was uh he used to run a bar and own a bar a long time ago and joe was talking about like opening a bar and sal just goes don't he's like what he's like i just take me back to do so much stress and so much work and then joe's like it'll be okay for me right he goes yeah i don't know with me. He's like, what? He's like, just take me back. There's so much stress and so much work. And then Joe's like, it'll be okay for me, right? He goes, yeah, I don't know. I'm just saying it's way too much stress and work. You're going to be there all the time. I mean, isn't it like they say like 65% of all bars and restaurants fail or something? You're signing up for absolute destruction and misery.

And it's like, no, mine will be different. Why? It's a dream. I feel bad about those people in covid close their business like damn that was your dream but a lot of people don't understand it's new york dude you're gonna fail anyway i was in here before covid nobody came in here you know when there's like two chinese places next to each other and one's packed and the other's not when that one failed because of covid, he loved to blame it on that.

We talked to John Taffer from Bar Rescue when this shit first started to pop off. And he's like tens of millions. He's so rich. And he was just like, yeah, I'll probably swoop in and buy all of these places for pennies on the dollar. And they have the kitchens and the industrial shit all set up. Wow. And he said it in a nicer tone than that, but that's basically what he was saying.

Yeah. And it's just like, yeah. He's like, fuck these peasants. Yeah, all that mom and pop shit, you're fucking gone, man. Damn. But it makes sense. Like, why would you not? Yeah, well, I guess. He's just going to be the king of New York.

Yeah. King of all these cities. Yeah, but I feel like he kind of almost like Guy Fieri's it, where he covers the middle America. Yeah, that's true. Not like high-end New York. Yeah, I don't think he's really coming to New York too often. I think he's like, I'll just, where he covers the middle America. Yeah, that's true. Not like high-end New York. Yeah, I don't think he's really coming

to New York too often. I think he's like, I'll just, I'll go to Toledo. But what I don't get, like, there was a bar on the Upper East Side,

Rathbones, that like, was around for, I think it was like 1971. So it made it through a lot, through the construction on Second Avenue, all sorts of different,

you know, and great wings, great burgers, neighborhood spot. Everybody loved it and that one went down and then like this piece of shit bar around the corner from here that i go to with a couple buddies because it's a bad bar we picked a bad bar that was like pre-covid was like we'll go because no one else is ever here that's still how do they how do they stay open it's got

to be like a front it's got to be like a front. It's got to be drugs. It's got to be something illegal. Maybe it's a drug. Maybe. Hopefully. Money laundering, right? If you want to believe in the best. Right. That's like these – like I just got in the NFT game. I got a picture of a koala that I now own. Wait. Okay. Hold on.

I mean you've got to look at it. I get it. There might be some money in it. But like you've got to look at it as like this is retarded. Like I'm buying a not thing. Yes. Yes. But again, no stupider than like if I bought a baseball card A bit stupider though

A little bit but not really Because you have a baseball card This is my piece of cardboard Do you even get visitation rights on the art you're buying? This is my fucking koala bro I own this shit That's mine now Not yours

Mine And if you send it If you forward me that Then I don't own it? There's almost like, you know when you have a certificate of authenticity? Yeah. There's like a digital version of that. Okay.

So you might have this picture. I could send you this screenshot, but you don't have my fucking little code thingy. It's a peasant. Right. How much was it? I got it sent to me for free, but it's probably about 300 bucks. Is it an artist? Some well-known artist?

Maybe. I don't even know. Probably these fucking guys who took 25 seconds on a digital – We're doomed as a society. There's no way. But this is the money laundering king. The bubble on NFTs and Bitcoin shit. It's just going to be like – at some point, everyone is going to be like, oh, this is nothing.

But don't you think it's no stupider than like paying $50 million for that blue canvas at the fucking museum? It's a bit stupider because you own the canvas. You can be like, I can hang this up. I can burn it if I want. It's mine. I can be like, no, take it away from the museum. It's mine now. It's not way stupider, but it's definitely somewhat stupider.

Yeah, it's like you can have replicas of paintings and you can have replicas of these, but there's an original one and it's just digital. You're just stuck in the old age. No, but digital, you're getting the exact same thing. You sat here and made fun of the fucking guineas saying they're stuck in their old way and you're stuck in the old life. Okay, I'm trying to understand it. Fair enough. But like, the original, you can make a copy, like I can

take a Xerox or like a picture of the Mona Lisa, but the Mona Lisa's there. This, you're getting the exact same thing. But this thing has... The digital copy has the same value. But like, there's this little,, you're getting the exact same thing. But this thing has, the digital copy has the same value. But like, there's this little, you know,

little thing attached to it that's like, no, no, no, this is one of one. All right, congrats. So I own a koala now, so.

Are you going to just keep that forever? Well, I'm going to keep it until the price goes up. I'm going to sell that shit. Is it stupider or a bit less stupid than the like,

stars I own or the trees in the Amazon forest that I own. Or the little patch of the moon. Oh, yeah, that's also quite stupid. Yeah, you can't resell those. So, yeah, I think probably those would be the stupidest. There's no way that they sold that. Dude, I also own a manatee in Florida.

You own a manatee in Florida? Yeah. I would love to get a call one day, like, there's been a vicious whale attack. I'm so sorry to tell you this. My brother owned an Indian kid. His name was Om Prasad, and he paid a lot. I think he paid – usually those things are like for a dollar a month, you can blah, blah, blah.

Can you NFT a slave? Don't call it slavery. Just be like, no, I own a person in a weird way. And then you start making them do stuff for it and then yeah it's a slippery slope listen to this he he he owned this kid for like 15 years and he would get pictures and letters and updates and shit and then one day he got like a letter from the foundation and they just like swapped in a new kid and they were like yeah om prasad's gone no like mention of what happened to him. They were just like, now here's Steve.

Now you own Steve. He was like, wait, what happened to Om? And it was like he couldn't ever get an answer. Probably because Om, I always tell him, is like a 30-year-old who lives in – he's like a Puerto Rican kid who lives in the Bronx. I've got to make my own living now. You didn't actually buy a kid from India. But no word. Just like swapped out one Indian for another

that'd be a good scam too and you guys have the bandwidth for this Barstool okay fake backgrounds of like impoverished areas

and then get some fucking local kids in here get them all dirty fucking rein in the money give them half you know keep the other half

our fans will buy these kids yeah or go outside the Barstool Network You're going to have to Actually that's a complete lie We do charity for the right

For certain things I don't know how many adopted kids we would have So we just do the Sarah McLachlan commercials Where we'll be the ones for 65 cents a day These kids can have water We should do that with just us We should be like sad. Can you sponsor us?

We need sponsors. Suck our guts in and just like. Got like fly flies landing on my eyeballs. I don't even need to do photo shoot for this. I just have these pictures. They're just pictures of me looking like I need some money. You could probably get like a little sad boy season thing going. Be like, can I just have money because I'm sad?

Yes, here you go. Here you go, man. Go like buy some liquor. We can get some fake flies and like kind of tape them on. Swollen bellies and flies on the aisles. Have you seen the fucking things in the urinals now with flies? To aim for the fly. I love it.

It's so, it's a surprise though. I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, it's that fly thing. It's such a surprise. Are they like dangling or something? No, it's just like, it's like almost like it's thicker or painted on the back of the urinal a surprise, though. I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, it's that fly thing. It's such a surprise. Are they dangling or something? No, it's almost like it's a sticker or painted on the back of the yellow. Oh, okay. And you're just kind of like, it's a game, which is an idea I had years ago.

Toilet games. Because, I don't know, it's fun to try and pee things off. We had that little soccer goal for a while, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go through it? I think it had a little ball dangling. You kind of ball it and you kind of push it back. Oh, that's cool.

So you're saying this is just basically a target on the back of the porcelain? I like the side goal. That's a cool idea because then you can really move it.

Right, right. Yeah, you almost need, like, a fly. It could have been anything. You know what they should make? Oh, I know what I'm talking about. Flies go in your, like, they swirl around.

Because if you do have a fly who's landed on a urinal, you're, of course, trying to hit it. Yeah. You're not, like, giving warning shots like the Israelis do. You're of course trying to hit it Yeah You're not like Giving warning shots Like the Israelis do No you're trying to drown that shit

But I'll be honest If you have flies Swarming your urinals You're in a trash place Yeah It's pretty fucking garbage man I'm gonna I'm gonna create one

That has like a balloon On the top Like at the carnival You pee into a hole And a balloon pops And it goes up And it bursts out Whoever wins

Bursts out Burst out piss. And you're like, I don't know why I was playing. I win. I win. Of course. That's a good one. That would be awesome though

if you could pop a balloon every time you pee. That would stop people from doing what the worst thing is is they go on their phones as they're peeing and then they stop peeing and they're still on their phones

and then you're behind them, and you have to break that code of silence that men have. It's like, when you're done, go. But you have to be like, hey, are you still peeing? You can't possibly still be going, bro. Yeah, and you can't tap them. No, can't touch them. But, like, get out of there. Everybody's waiting. No, I'm with you.

I know exactly what you mean, because I do it. I mean, we've all done that. The fact that, like, it's to the point where you can't put your phone down for a second to piss is insane. It's getting real bad. But when you go off the grid, you go off the grid, right? Yeah. And I got to do it again. I went to Ecuador for six months.

I didn't go off the grid. So I was still in contact. It wasn't as fun. Yeah, because that's really. So now you're just living life in a different place. You still have the same stresses and all the nonsense. A lot less, but yeah, some. Yeah.

The phone is the real key. Just fucking – So what I did is I took – I gave my – I changed my password. I just went like this, like changed my password to this. Really? Yeah, and then I – That's commitment. Yeah.

Because then it's like now you can't even do what you wanted to. I pasted that to a friend for like all my social media, my email, everything I needed. And then I was like, don't give it to me. I didn't take her number with me. And then I took my phone. I just pressed off, threw it in my drawer. I called an Uber for the airport, threw my phone in my drawer, and then left.

Do you have anybody that loves you? Do you have anybody who might need to get in contact with you yeah yeah my mom was mad about it but it's like sorry I gotta do shit she's like what if

something happens like what do you mean if you're talking about if someone dies I'm gonna miss the funeral yeah that's the answer that's what it is I'll mourn when I find out

it doesn't matter when it happens they'll be dead now they'll be dead two months from now it doesn't really fucking matter you ever find out

like a celebrity died like three years later you're like oh people are like we're past that you're like no wait i'm dealing with it right now though i'm grieving i'm mourning now we well the very first time i think we interviewed you you were i think you were dating somebody but you had like an open relationship situation going where you could fuck whoever you want yeah is that still a thing i'm not dating anybody now yeah is that is that still like you don't say yeah i fuck a lot i don't know yeah that's exactly what you said the first't say. Yeah. I fuck a lot.

I don't know. Yeah, that's exactly what you said the first time too. You're like, I just like to get butt. And I remember being like, I don't think that works. But if there is someone who could pull it off, it's probably this guy and the wacky chicks that he fucks. It's New York, bro. Yeah, you can find someone. There's a lot of people who do that.

An ex I was just talking to and I was like, are you still with that guy? She goes, yeah, and a girl. They have a three-way dating really it's new york that is what's nuts to me because i don't the last thing i want is more relationships yeah you know like another birthday to remember yeah what if you get the wrong person to get mad like get mad at you or the one like another thing to fight with it's like oh yeah or now you're taking sides oh that's gotta be a nightmare oh yeah like when they walk in and two girls are like I said this and she said that so what do you think it's like I think I'm gonna kill myself

if you're gonna get into a fight you know you don't want the two girls being against you you have to like pry one before I give you my answer I just want you to know she said you're fat come on over here but yeah that I never thought about that at least it's polyamorous

That's that shit That I can't understand But in a male-female relationship, at least it's 1-1 Usually she's gonna win, but at least it's 1-1 We got a shot If it's 2-1, you're done But also, that would lead me to throw my hands up And be like, whatever, hoes

You're dating me Figure it out amongst yourselves You ever see Revolutionary Road? that would lead me to throw my hands up and be like whatever hoes like you're dating me I don't know figure it out amongst yourselves you ever see Revolutionary Road a movie there's this guy and he's just like

so sick of his life towards the end is that Leo yeah and it's a side character and his wife is yelling at him and he just turns down his hearing aid

to off slowly imagine that that's some black mirror shit if I could just be like see you fucking later. Do you think you'll ever settle down? I don't know.

Someone will try me. I got a vasectomy, so that ain't going to be an issue. I thought I should have got a vasectomy. Yep, you should have. You didn't. I should still get a vasectomy. The best is blasting away inside a chick. She's like, wait, what the fuck are you doing?

I'm like, shouldn't be an issue. Like, what do you mean shouldn't be an issue? Doc said 99.9, but, you know, good luck on that.01, babe. Yeah, the vasectomy is kind of like it just takes any discussion out of your hands.

It's not an issue. I mean, I've had sex with chicks, and I try to be like responsible. Like, hey, do you have anything? And then also, if the worst should happen, you get pregnant, would you have an abortion? And I've had girls who are like, no, I would not have an abortion. And I'm like, well, let me get

one fucking raw dog pump in then. Just one. Even with the vasectomy? No, before. In and out, in and out, then I'll put it on. It's a great way to bring around anal. Like, I wish I could take a chance, but we'll just have to fuck in your butt. Say, what about a condom?

Can't get butt pregnant. You can't get butt pregnant, lady. What if that was the end result of COVID, that you can now get butt pregnant? The vaccine allows you to get butt pregnant. Dude, in Ecuador, they didn't know. The rumors for the vaccine were that it was going to turn you gay. Yeah. And that it would make you sterile.

Those were the two. Well. Yeah. That's a good combo, at least. I'm sterile, but I'm gay now, so whatever. It didn't matter anyway. I wasn't having kids regardless. Yeah.

They were really worried about, like, I don't want to fucking wake up gay. What's this based on? What are you basing it on? I live in New York. I'm around a lot of gays. I've never seen one get converted. Well, you know what that is? That's a bunch of, like, are they deeply religious there by any chance? They're somewhat religious, for sure.

Yeah, so those are people who want to be gay and can't come out. Oh, yeah. They're like, hey, I got the vaccine. I'm gay now. It wasn't my out. Oh, yeah. They're like, hey, I got the vaccine. I'm gay now. It wasn't my fault. Yeah. You know? Sorry, Dad.

Sorry, Mom. It was the shot. I'm going to go suck some dicks. That's what you know. I can't help it. I got it in my blood. That's what the priests are all doing. The ones that get the bad rap, the priests are the ones that fuck the little boys or

girls, right? Mostly boys. Yeah. But like, you know who doesn't get the press is just the straight up gay priests. And they enter the priesthood because they're like, I'm not allowed to do this because of my religion. So I'll enter a place where I'm not allowed to fuck anything. So then I don't have to worry about it. Just like I'm next to a heterosexual.

He can't fuck what he wants to fuck. So I can't fuck what I want to fuck, and I don't have to sin. But here's the deal. Since they're all there and they're gay, they're fucking. Yeah. I was going to say, the problem with your thing here is that they still want to fuck and do fuck. So the heterosexual ones are like, hey, I can't have sex. You're not around a bunch of hot chicks who want to fuck you.

But those homosexual priests, they're just fucking. I need to talk to you. We need to bone up on Genesis. I bet you want to bone up on Genesis. Excuse me. The one hetero is like, what bet you want to bone up on Genesis. Excuse me. The one header was like, what are you guys talking about all the time? It's pretty crazy that the Catholic Church

is like, well, we could just let these priests live a normal life and fuck people and have families and marriages, but now we're just going to stick this rule and have a crisis on our hands where they fuck little children.

It's so weird. We'll just let them rape kids instead. This isn't like a problem with rabbis, right? No. No, we have an occasional one that fucks a kid, but we don't like...

You guys had the mouth herpes thing, too. Yeah, but we don't take it good. These kids were... They were circumcising kids with their mouths. Oh, that's right. No, no, no.

They weren't circumcising... That's your people. We talked about this last time. They weren't circumcising them with their mouths. They were. They were lubing it up for the circumcision.

Oh, goodness. That's certain. They were bitinging it up for the circumcision. Oh, goodness. They were probably biting off the foreskin. Yeah, they were. No. Yeah. Yeah, it was like a little spare rib.

Just a little Yeah, with the little canine. Snapping like a Laffy Taffy. Like a cold Laffy Taffy. Yeah, no, you had your own issues. Yeah, yeah, sure.

But here's the deal. We don't fucking rape the kids and then transfer them to another place. We rape the kids and then be like, no, you gotta your own issues. Yeah, sure. But here's the deal. We don't fucking rape the kids and then transfer them to another place. We rape the kids and then be like, no, you got to go to jail. I'm not saying don't rape kids. Obviously, I get it. But you can't protect these people. You're on your own. I love the punishment or whatever they send you to the Vatican.

It's like, go live in the Almofi Cosa now. Go live in Italy because that's the one little haven where there's no law. Go live in an actual town of gold. Yeah, that's right. That's like, go live in the Almofi now. Go live in Italy because that's like the one little haven where there's no law. Go live in an actual town of gold. That's your punishment. You know what the idea of heaven is? You get to go now. Yeah, we put that on earth and that's where you gotta go because you fuck little kids. Why does someone invade the Vatican? You fucking dominate.

There's no way they have a good army. No, the fucking Swiss Guard? Yeah, they'll fuck those guys. Swiss Guard? Those guys are pussy. Come at me. Have you seen what they wear? The Swiss Guard? Yeah, they'll fuck those guys. Swiss Guard? Those guys are pussy. Come at me. Have you seen what they wear, the Swiss Guard? Yeah, it's like a fucking, they look like they're about to go on a parade. It is. What is it?

It's unbelievable. It's like these big, you know, it's like a ridiculous costume. Yeah, it is. They're the least intimidating guys I've ever seen. Bro. You got it? Yeah, I mean, look at that. You're looking like a chess piece.

Yes. Yes. That's who fucking defends the Vatican. I punched one of those guys in the nuts. They did nothing. That's what I mean. These guys are such fucking pussies. They look like MC Hammer if you took it too far.

Look at these fucking helmets, man. Get lost. You have feathers in your head. Yeah, and they all are, like, pretty. Like, look at that guy. He's, like, a pretty boy. He's probably getting fucked by the priests. Oh, yeah, yeah. That. And they all are pretty. Look at that guy. He's a pretty boy. He's probably getting fucked by the priests. That's why they want him there.

Those guys can't defend shit. Who do you think designed those outfits? Those amazing outfits. A bunch of gays. Queer eye for the guards. If they could just come out, the Vatican would be the greatest gay force on the planet. Everything is lavish. Everything is

fancy. We wear these fancy clothes. We're all pretty. Pride month in the Vatican would be popping if they would just admit to themselves what the deal is. Yeah, the parades would be great. The Pope is the gayest of the gays. I wonder if the Pope is gay or just part of my world. He can fuck

whatever he wants. Don't all those people eventually fuck kids? I haven't imagined the Pope gets, you know, prima nocta. Yeah. Are you going to send your kids to Catholic school?

They're already kind of in it. They're already in it, but not like... Do you at least ask the priest at the Catholic school? Yeah, like, do you rape? I don't know.

Hey, are you a raper? I got to ask. Do you rape kids? Are you a rapey? I don't have any... If you're a cop, you got to ask. Do you rape kids? Are you a rapey? I don't have any. What if you're a cop, you got to tell me? Yeah, exactly. You got to tell me.

Remember when people ask you if you smoke? You're like, not cigarettes. So do you rape? You're like, not kids. I don't have any priests teaching my kids. No? They're all teachers. They're all women teachers.

I think if you're a male teacher of kids, there's a problem. You're suspect. Already weird. Or if you're a coach and you don't have a kid on the team, suspect. Suspect already. Like, what are you doing? Right off the bat. Why do you want to lead the youth?

Like, Saturday, you're giving up your, like, a 30-year-old man, something. You give up your Saturday mornings to, like, no, come on. I feel the same way about people with gardens. This is being done for you. You don't have to get involved here yeah you're a little less harmless if you're being a gardener's raping a kid but you know something's up something's up final break i'll rate this kid many times really i think i think there's i think there's like three that you know of and there's probably like five more that you suppress five yeah i don't remember my childhood. But that guy that came out of the woods.

The best ones are the ones you suppressed. We blacked it all out. I don't remember anything until like before 14. That's why you always say like, I don't know, I was seven.

Yeah, I'm just making up pages. He'll tell a story from when he was like driving a car to when he was like in preschool. He's like, I don't know, I was like seven.

They're all seven. But that guy who came out of the woods and played catch with you definitely fucked you. Yeah, I had this coach who was like, he don't know. I was like seven. They're all seven. But that guy who came out of the woods and played catch with you definitely fucked you. Yeah. I had this coach who was like, he was the team was the twins. He was a big fat guy.

Barrel chested. Husky. Yeah. He had a long ponytail and a cane. Oh yeah. And he'd come out of the woods. He was out of the woods. He didn't have his own kids on the team. He'd come out of the woods across from my house, knock on the door and ask my parents if I could come out and play catch. And his mom said yes! his mom said yes my mom's like yeah go ahead it was before they knew about stuff yeah and then my dad came home one time and i was playing catch he said what the

fuck are you doing in my house get out of here like really you can play you can talk to my son at practice get the fuck out of here even then it's suspect but yeah definitely not off hours at my fucking property what a golden age of pedophilia. Oh, yeah. Because you had electricity, you had cars, you know, you could go do things, but no one knew. The interconnectivity wasn't there yet, yeah.

It was the best time. Really a golden age for the pedos. Dude, I tried to, I tried to, I went through, like, a crisis of, you know, self,

and I was like, you know what, I'm gonna, like, mentor a kid. And so I applied for, like, a big brother program in Brooklyn. They were like, nah, no thanks.

No way. Really? Yeah, of course, really. Yeah. They were like, no, we're all set, buddy. Give me your resume. You enjoy your Saturdays. Wow.

Why would you want this kid grooming anybody? I feel like the issue is not – Grooming is not the word I wanted to use there. Those programs should be gone by now, if you think about it. It really is. It's like – Because all those guys you think about it. It really is. It's like... Because all those guys also have big brothers. They need fathers.

Give me a big father. My cousin did. I was trying to apply to his program. And he, like, said this kid goes to fucking Emory now. This kid's like a fucking genius. Really? Yeah. Because of your cousin, you think?

I think it helped a lot I think you get stuck with a lemon Sometimes you get a good one My cousin raised him Not raised him But you know what I mean Like Fucking did it

From when he was like Eight to eighteen Why do you like Meet with him like Once a week or some shit? Yeah And then like Once a week like

I did it in Israel for like Like three weeks It was once a week And then I just ghosted him I'm remembering it now I didn't want to do it anymore. I missed it once. I was too embarrassed to go back. Never saw him again. Never talked to him.

Well, at least you didn't rape him. He's looking around going, could be worse. You know, that guy over there got raped. To my credit. I could have told if the mom was like, that really hurt my kid. I would have been like, listen, I was going to rape him. I was really getting the urges to rape this kid, and so I had to get out of there.

I'm sorry to have to tell you to make up an excuse, but I'm looking at this fucking swimsuit issue where she wrote the most noncommittal, one of my first stops since finding out I got this cover. Not even my first stop. She wasn't the first? Yeah, no, she wasn't. One of my first stops Is finding a Yeah well Was she

Were you any of her stops No You weren't Who's like the hottest chick You fucked Um Oh man Um

I don't know I've There are some chicks I fucked that I'm like This shouldn't I shouldn't have Happened Yeah

Yeah It's unbelievable What some women Will do with certain people. It's just like, what are you doing? Why are you doing this? Why would you let

like that guy or why would you let me inside of you? It's fucking insane. Yeah. Yeah, and it's just like... So who's not as chicky-fucked?

I mean, not like celebrities. Yeah, there's nobody... Yeah, it's just like women who don't know their value. Yeah. That's my sweet spot.

Recently broke up in long-term relationships and women who don't know their value. Yeah. That's my sweet spot. Recently broke up in long-term relationships and women who don't know their value. I'm a lot of girls, I used to be a lot of girls like rebounds of like,

I just got out of this five-year thing and I don't think you're going to be like abusive so you're like, get back on the horse. Get back on the horse, yeah.

You also, I feel like you're better with your head shaved than when you had hair. I think your head shaved than when you had hair. I think you were weird looking when you had hair. Maybe with the curly hair. Yeah, I like the curly hair. I like the full head hair.

My friend just sent me a picture of me high-fiving. It wasn't Stanton. Fuck, some old Yankee. We were just there. He came by. Jim Lairitz. Jim Lairitz. Yeah, but my hair was so fucking full.

He murdered? He ran over some people with a car drunk big dead on purpose well I think he got out

I think he got vehicular manslaughter or some shit I don't know that's a tough one you know it used to be an excuse

if you ran over somebody like I was drunk and then the judge was like alright self defense I do firmly believe that I was drunk is an excuse.

It's definitely an excuse. Yeah. Yeah. We say this all the time. Like, an excuse, I'm not saying that it makes it right. I'm just saying there is a reason why this happened. If I was sober, I wouldn't have run over that person. Yeah, you want to be like, you just ran over them?

No. Like, I was texting. I was embarrassed. Yes, right, right. It wasn't like I looked at him, sought him out, and did it. I was distracted by choice. Right, don't text. And you're like, oh, no, no, I know that now.

I've run over something. I'll never do it again. Only at red lights from now on. Only at red lights and under 50 miles an hour. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, excuses are huge. Yeah, I mean, like, no excuses. That's not an excuse

no it is definitively an excuse it's just we need to define excuse better it should just be here's my reason you're not excused

here's a reason why yeah I'm not asking for absolution because I'm just saying this is why it happened I'm not a madman there's a method

to what happened here and I don't expect you to forgive me but this is what happened you know a fun one when somebody's like while they're driving you in the passenger seat? Whatever, you might be texting too, red light. And then you're just like, they're looking down. You just go, green.

And then they just start going. They just start going because they're always embarrassed they're texting. So they're like, what the fuck? That's great. You just have to say that word. I'm going to start doing that while it's still red. Yeah. It's pretty fun.

People get that. See if we can get T-bone. Worth it. Why are you here? Are you promoting anything? I have a tour. I'm on the road again. But really, just like, I don't know.

I like the show. I'm there. I like it. Yeah. Yeah, I'll be in Nashville and Spokane and Tacoma and a bunch of other places. Some of these places have got to fucking suck, right? Some of them suck, but I've been able to not have to go to those places anymore. I'm going to Miami, and it's the first time since their club used to be so fucking bad.

Me and Big J are going together at the end of September. And then they got a new club. But it was like, no, I'm not doing that. Once your schedule's full enough, you can be like, fuck that place. Why was it so bad?

The Miami Improv, it was just a bunch of screaming Cubans. Just like, it's the Coke vibe and no one told them to shut up. It was just a badly trained audience. God, Coke sucks unless you're on Coke.

And then it's so fucking good. Would you rather be sober around a bunch of drunk people or not on coke around a bunch of people who are coked up? Sober drunk. You would rather be in that? Yeah. I don't know. No, no, no. Yeah, coked up is okay.

Because honestly, most people who do coke can handle it okay. They just go to the bathroom a lot. They just take frequent trips to the bathroom. But besides that, it's the same as like hanging out with your dad's friends. They talk a lot and They just take frequent trips to the bathroom. Besides that, it's the same as hanging out with your dad's friends. They talk a lot and they gotta pee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They think their stories are better than they are. That is a great comparison.

Put that on stage, man. That is good. That's for sure gonna be a thing. Coke is such a weird one because everyone's so embarrassed about doing coke. It's the only drug where people really, really hide it. Which is weird, too, though, because everyone knows. Everyone does. Everyone does.

Everybody does. Everybody knows. It's like the worst kept secret. So just try to keep it a secret. Any bar in New York. I know people. 80% of the people there have coke. It should be like the bowls of peanuts.

Or do it sometimes. Put it out in the fucking bar. They disappear somehow. You tell me. No one eats them of the people there have Coke. Oh, yeah. It should be like the bowls of peanuts. Or do it sometimes. Put it out in the fucking bar. They disappear somehow. You tell me. No one eats them, but they keep being empty. But they're gone. Yeah.

I know people that hide it from their wives. Well, that makes sense. But it's not like Coke abusers. They just do it once in a while. Yeah. You've got to hide fun things from your wife. Yeah. If you're having any fun while married and that fun does not involve your wife, you're

not allowed to do that. They get mad about that. So for comedians, that's what they do so you go on the road the wife checks in exactly it's like ah bored just in the hotel room because you can't tell them like there's a great museum here or there's a rodeo in town or it's fucking i don't know the open is a friend of mine we're having a good time it doesn't have to be like yo i'm out banging these chicks and partying on it's like there's cool stuff in the city and i am i'm enjoying my life without you that's it yeah it's like what do you want me, there's cool stuff in the city, and I'm enjoying my life without you. That's it. Yeah, but it's like, what do you want me to do? I'm working for three hours here.

And I'm here for three days. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to fucking enjoy myself. I'm doing Tacoma and then Spokane in September, and I've just invited two openers that like camping, and we're just going to camp in Central Washington. Let me see. Yeah, so we have like four days of...

I'm trying to make the road fun this year yeah your life's probably pretty cool I think I would I don't know I think I would hate your life but also I just

respect the fuck out of your freedom I would not do what you do with your freedom but god damn it do I respect that I would never go camping

but the fact that you can just fucking go camping or go live like a monk or whatever the weird shit you do I would never do any of it but that's pretty awesome that you can I've seen some urinals in Myanmar where there are flies everywhere

and it's fun because it's fun to go check those things out it's the ability to be like fuck this call JFK just like go yeah I get that that's gotta be a good feeling but, like, just, like, go. Yeah, I get that. That's got to be a good feeling. And then drop it and go back home whenever you want to.

Yeah. You know, it's – You've got a parachute. You can just – you're not, like, stuck in a place. Yeah, yeah. I've only ever done it once. I got, like – I got one at Columbia. And I got, like, a call on, like, Friday.

It was Friday night. And I have a friend who's there. She's like, you should come down this weekend. And I was like, done. And I just booked the flight. Direct flights. Saturday morning, was out. Actually, we did have a layover in Miami.

But it was like, I was there in like six hours, probably something like that. Stayed for four days. And then you just wake up here, and you're just in Medellin that night. And you're just like, it's so fun and cool and foreign. There's no reason not to go for four days, five days, or two weeks. And I went to Bogota, and I was like, I had thought that, like, I had the preconceived notions of what you see in movies about Bogota.

Bogota's basically fucking Tokyo. Bogota was really sick. It was, like, futuristic, and I was like, oh, this is fucking awesome. And then she was like, yeah, but also don't go to this park at night, because you'll be stabbed. Yeah, what was that? Devil's Dust or whatever? Yeah, Devil's Dust.

You ever encounter that? It's like this drug that makes you lose your free will. Really? So basically they, like, cabbies, like, blow it on you. No way. And then it's like, all right, go get some money at the ATM. And then you just, like, wake up, like, three days later with no money. There were stories of people, their apartment got cleaned out.

And they went down to the doorman and said, what the fuck happened? And he was like, you said you were moving. You brought your cousins and you moved out of your apartment. Devil's dust. I think that's what it's called. Something like the dust of the devil. That sounds like a rumor. It does sound like that.

But then I've heard that they warn against it. Like when you're in whatever city it is, like, watch out for it. She was like, do not get in a cab. You were in the cab, right? That's not marked. Yeah, she was like, wait in a cab line. Like, no matter how long it is. But because it would already – you know, like, when you come into a new country,

it takes a little while for your phone to switch over to get the text message that costs $5 each one? Yeah. I was already in another cab. Oh, really? And I just was like, well, whatever happens, happens here. Let's see what happens.

I can tell you the things to look up is you get, you get, you get an ATM at the airport before you get out so no one can see you

so the cabs don't see you like getting money. Taking a bunch of cash, yeah. You have to be able to pay them some cash in local currency. Find out before you get there how much is the cab

from the airport to Central. so you don't get robbed, yeah. Yeah, so you can just be like, when they're like 20, you're like, it's four. find out before you get there how much is the cab from the airport to central so you don't get robbed so you can just be like when they're like 20 it's 4 and then that's it and then you get to your hotel or your hostel and then you're set but that's all you need some little local currency

which you can get in New York too exchange spot what's like near death experiences anything that was ever like, holy shit. Yeah, like nature shit. Yeah. Where I'm like, I almost went off a cliff so many times.

Yeah. I'm not equipped to ride motorcycles or mopeds, but then I do. I've been down like unequipped roads. In Ecuador, the roads are so bad. And then they have these fogs come in on these mountain roads that are super windy. With no guardrail or anything, right? No guardrails. And then people coming barreling at you the other direction.

And then at some point, like, it's so foggy. I mean, you can't see. I couldn't see the door. You have to go, like, four miles an hour. Yeah, it just pours in. And then one of the lanes was just out. It was just crumbled down into a mountain. And so I'm, like, going.

And then suddenly you just slam on the brakes and there's just a hole to like down a cliff and then you gotta switch lanes and get around it but you can't see 10 feet behind you. Jesus Christ. And also when you're switching lanes you gotta hope someone's not coming barrel down. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, oh fuck. How do I do this? I'm like, should we just stay here?

Or somebody's not gonna hit me from behind and knock me over? Dude, even like in, I went to Italy where we're not talking about the fucking jungle. It's the same shit. The roads are so tiny. And it's like – and they pass each other. It's two lanes. So fast.

And every time I'm sitting there, I was going like – Yeah. And that was like regular cities over there. Are they driving on the same side of the road there as us? Do they? No, I don't think they do. Scotland and those super small lanes, and they go so fast.

They have no problem being inches away from each other. They're acting like it's totally normal. It is normal to them. And me, I'm like, we're going to hit, we're going to hit. Where's your white whale place? I want to go back.

I didn't go to Laos. I want to go to Laos. I want to go to the place? I want to go back. I didn't go to Laos. I want to go to Laos. I want to go to the Philippines. I want to go all through South America. I think the next time I really get lost, I'm going to go for like, I'm going to chase the sun in South America for a year. I'm just going to like start north, go all the way down to like Antarctica and then back up. So you don't be there in like middle of June. Can you do that?

Yeah. Can you go to Antarctica? Yeah. But, you know, just for like a popover for a second. Yeah, like put your feet on it. Go all the way through? Yeah. Can you go to Antarctica? Yeah. But, you know, just for like a popover for a second. Yeah, like put your feet all the way through South America. Have you gone to Africa?

No. I almost went there for COVID. Really? Yeah. I was thinking of, not Kenya, I was going to go work on a farm in Kenya

before COVID for like a month. Somebody told me that in Medellin. He was like, it's cool and, you know, you get a lot out of it and it's fun. Once in Swahili. So I was like, all right. But then COVID happened. But then there was some country, Zimbabwe maybe, and I'm like, it's cool, and he'd get a lot out of it, and it's fun. Once in Swahili. So I was like, all right.

But then COVID happened. But then there was some country, Zimbabwe maybe, and I'm like, maybe we'll go there. We kind of narrowed it down. And then they're like, they do burn gays. And you're like, well, yeah. I'm worried, worried. I was going to say, that shouldn't really impact me, but I don't think I really want to be around those type of people. I get handsy when I get drunk.

Sometimes I dress a little questionable. I don't want to get set on fire. We've got a unicorn or a norwalk on the shirt, on a pink shirt right now. Yeah, a norwalk on a monkey shirt. That'll get you lit on fire in Zimbabwe. Yeah, exactly. Come on, dude. You're burning.

Come on. Obviously, we're going to burn you. That's an NFT right there, bro. That's an NFT. Bam. You sell that thing, come on, dude. You're burning. Come on. Obviously, we're going to burn you. That's an NFT right there, bro. That's an NFT. Bam. You sell that thing, you'll be rich. Do they make ones with monkeys right now? Yeah.

There's like a monkey line. The cheapest one, 25K. 25,000. And there's ones that are like 300,000, 400,000. And people put their assumed value in it. So people are like, it's sold for that much, so it's worth that much. That's the name of the game, brother. It's like everything else in the world.

Same thing with baseball cards. You're right, because we're like, this is worth $10,000. Same thing with everything. Same thing with fucking. Then it's valued at $20,000. Same thing with cash, man. It's like this, we assume this is worth $5. It's just a piece of fucking paper.

So do you know in Ecuador, the $2 bill has like, not mystical properties. They use American dollars, but they don't have twos much. And so it just, people are so intrigued by it. I think that happens here too. I feel like you see a $2 bill, you're like, whoa. And it's worth slightly more even here than $2. Really? So like if someone was like, would you give me $2.10 for this two?

You might get some takers. Right? It has a slightly more value than a two. What if I just get all the $2 bills in the world? Also those $2 bills, the Italians. They do? Yeah. Yeah.

They keep them on them, right? For good luck. Oh, yeah. You give them, right? Yeah, for good luck. Oh, yeah. You give a tip and a two, people are like, dude, so we took 100 with us. And it was like when you do tip and you kind of walk away, they're like – Whoa. Yeah, we saw people put one into a cash register and look around and like take two hours out of his pocket. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

It's coming with me. Yeah, why did – I feel like a two for a long time was probably really convenient. Not so much anymore because everything is like inflation. But there was a while where everything was $1.50. Canada has a toonie, right? Yeah, why not? I feel like that's – Alex Hamilton got the jam job on that one. He's on a two?

No, no, that's a ten. Jefferson's on a two. He just got screwed. Yeah. Our money is all off by the way We should redo all the faces Shouldn't have fucked all your workers Maybe you'd be on the five

The fact that we give Ulysses S. Grant the 50 Ulysses S. Grant Ulysses sucks Who do you do? Lincoln and Washington The top two So they're good on the one and the five

Andrew Jackson's on the 20 Andrew Jackson what did he do? he was a big time slavery guy so we should probably remove that you gotta take down

everybody now right? yeah that's why all these guys should be gone Hamilton was on the 10 you just gotta put trees and shit American Eagle

nothing should ever be based on a person because buildings shouldn't be named after people it should be named after just other things because guess what?

Harry talks shit about his friends. Yeah. Get rid of them. I think they said they want to put Harriet Tubman on the 10. Also not.

There was a petition for that. Nah. Can't do her. She didn't tip. She never tipped. Literally, look up her stats. There's not a single report

of her ever tipping once. So, fuck that. These people are hardworking service industry members. Hate her. I think Benjamin Franklin kind of earned the 100 though. I like that. These people are hard-working service industry members. Hate her. I think Benjamin Franklin kind of earned

the hundred, though. I like him. Benjamin Franklin. He's like the president, non-president, you know? Yeah. What about the guy who did four terms? FDR. Yeah, he should have one, huh? People loved him, right? He like saved the country. We didn't even give him a single bill. How about all no legs? Save the country by letting no legs? That's FDR. That's FDR.

Old no legs did four terms and the people didn't even know he had no legs happen. That's FDR. Old No Legs did four terms and the people didn't even know he had no legs until it was too late. Well, he had legs, but he couldn't use them. Yeah. The fat guy who died in a tub. If you dip in water and keep them there for a week, then they get bigger and bigger.

You're a bathtub toy, FDR. Here's a question for you. Okay. How big do you have to be? Six inches, but it's about the birth. It's not about the length. How big do you have to be or what do you have to be involved in in order to get assassinated? Oh, right.

As opposed to murdered. Yes. Right. If one of you guys or me got killed, that would just be a stalker killing you. It wouldn't get assassinated. Oh, right. As opposed to murdered. Yes. Right. If one of you guys or me got killed, that would just be a stalker killing you. It wouldn't be assassinated. That's just a murder. But I do think if like...

But if you're... It doesn't have to be politics because if you're like Bill Gates would get assassinated. That's what I mean. But I think there has to be some sort of motive. I feel like John Lennon was assassinated. Because it was like a crazy fan, right?

I think it has to be like somebody kills you because of what you do in your life. Because of your status. Because it was like a crazy fan, right? I think it has to be like somebody kills you because of what you do in your life. Because of your status. Because if you're not status, your job or whatever it's called, your whatever that is. Career, job. I think status works. But like, so if a crazed fan

shot you, you don't think you'd be assassinated by a fan? Okay, so I'm saying now, if they assassinated you on your way out of here, and it's like they assassinated two members of Barstool Sports I'm saying now, if they assassinated you on your way out of here, and it's like they assassinated two members of Barstool Sports, yeah, that would be an assassination. So we can get assassinated. My man!

Yeah. I think the same thing about you guys on stage. Like, that dude who pulled Jay off the stage, like, that was an assassination attempt as far as I'm concerned. Me and Soder sent him.

Are you still president? I am still president. Are you still enacting any policies or anything? I'm cooking up some stuff, but I'm not. President of the Legion of Skanks, if you don't know, it's a popular podcast. I'm not associated with it at all. Except the fact that I am the president of that podcast. I don't know where he's

at now, but when I was in, it was driving Lewis so crazy that I was like, this is the best thing that's ever happened. Dude, so Skank Fest, it's this festival he runs, and I like to ruin it as best I can. The first year of Skank Fest, he goes, hey, we're doing Skank Fest on whatever he said, June 17th, save the date. And I was like, can I tell people?

And they're like, no, no, don't, because Louis hasn't announced it yet. And I was like, well, then I'm definitely going to tell everybody. You're such an asshole. Yeah, and Christine was like, Ari, please don't. I'm like, listen, this is on you. I was going to say. It's in my brain now. It's too late.

Yeah. And I just ruined it. It's so fun. Ruined the announcements. Because he takes it so seriously. Rightfully so. He's like running this company. It's his life and his work, and you just make a mockery of it.

Yeah. So Shane Gill is my vice president. My vice president. Didn't he tell me he like gave up his seat or something? No, he gave up his presidency when I was gone, which I gave to him. Right, right. Okay, okay, got it. Yeah vice president may have. He told me he like gave up his seat or something. No, he gave up his presidency when I was gone. Oh, right, right.

Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're doing before Skank Fest we called the venue that they're running at the Secret Group in Houston.

We're like, I want to run a show the day before. And the guy was like, okay, we could do that. Let me just like call like Rebecca and Lewis and Christine

make sure it's okay with them. Let me stop you right there. No, no, no. It's not going to be okay with them. And that's the reason I'm doing it. I just need a couple hotel rooms. That's it. We're doing it to piss them off.

And he's like, I don't get it. He goes, you will when Skankfest comes. It's all wrestling and spite. It's going to make him mad. And that is the point. And it did. It made him quite mad. It's going to be the best show at Skankfest.

I'm not affiliated in any way with Skankfest. When I was there, they any way with Skankfest. When I was there, they were trying to find their interns, and there was one guy who was not showing up for any of the days of work, and we all thought it was funny, and we were all voting him in, and he was like, I need interns who do work!

And I was like, nah, this guy's big-timing you. It's pretty cool. He was like, fuck! It'll bother him, but at least in his defense, he gets how it's funny So he won't stop it But he'll be like It really bothers me Because he's like

Committed to comedy He understands the value of it But he's like It's at my expense Fuck Yeah How long is the term run? I think they said two years

Wow That seems like a long time Yeah they said two years And did not think An outsider was going to be winning I mean once they started Having the elections And everyone was like Ari ran, I was like, wait, what? That was just one of the skits.

Yeah, the Ari, Soder, Gillis super pack was unstoppable. Dude, the best was that – so we had to pick your running mates. So I was running and then Joe DeRosa – I had already decided I'm going to pick Shane as my running mate. And then Joe DeRosa said, hey, man, I want to be your running mate. And I go, yeah, okay, let's do that. And we had this whole planned, like, we met at a bar, daytime, for like hours and planned how we were going to do the announcement, knowing full well he will not be my running mate.

And we had this whole, like, big reveal. He's going to be hanging out. He hid behind the bar the whole time, made a video, like, I can't be there today, like the other running mates were. And he's like, I can't be there. And then suddenly he pops up like, ha-ha, you motherfuckers. You didn't think it was me. And I had a shirt that said, what was it, DeRosa?

Shafir and DeRosa. Shafir together with DeRosa, STD. Put the STD back in the skanks. And then Shane just shows up, hadn't been on the podcast since before COVID. And everyone's like, oh, my God, Shane's here. What's Shane doing here? Rip off my fucking DeRosa shirt. And it's just a Sh, hadn't been on the podcast since before COVID. And everyone's like, oh, my God, Shane's here. Shane here. What's Shane doing here? Rip off my fucking DeRosa shirt. And it's just a Shafir and Shane shirt.

And he's like, wait, what? I'm like, you're out. I'm like, what? That's just so mean. That's just so mean-spirited. Oh, it's so great. It's so great. I made a bunch of jokes.

I just wasted your time and got your hopes up for something. And when I announced him, I brought some 10 or 20 Shafir together with DeRosa t-shirts that I sold to the crowd that were instantly worthless. They were instantly worth more. I was going to say, those are now collector items. They are collector items. And then I sold some Joe DeLuzer shirts right after that show. Could you imagine his face?

Like, wait, what? I thought we were going to run this thing for two years together. He was so mad. The skank selections were the best thing in comedy. That was very, very funny. Over the break. That was very, very funny.

And so when would your two-year term be up? I guess August. Yeah, I guess August. So you've got to wreak havoc for another year. Yeah, I've got to do some stuff. How are you going to ruin Skank Fest? Anything planned to ruin the actual Skank Fest? No. No, I don't know. I don't know. I've got to do some stuff. How are you going to ruin Skank Fest? Anything planned to ruin the actual Skank Fest? No.

No? No, I don't know. I don't know. I've got to start thinking about it. I mean, one day it's just going to be like, I locked the doors and I burned it down. That's a problem with that shit. It's like the roast battles, you know, the roast. It's like, dude, you guys got too much.

Yeah, it keeps going and going and going. Do you do any of those? It's so much work. Yeah, it's hard, right? I did once against Big J. Can you look up who won? It's so much work I did once against Big J Can you look up who won? It was me Okay, cool That's the other thing too

You could be funny And you could even have a good showing But you lose one of those battles It's bad Yeah Renazisi did one against Sam Morrell You did one? No, Renazisi

Steve Renazisi You know him? I don't think we've had him in now. You should have him in. But like, he just flubbed his first line. He goes, that's because you...

Oh, that's it. That's it, dude. Yep, you're done. Here we go. You have no confidence. Yep, yep, yep. Lights out. Yeah, that is not for the weary, man.

That is no fucking joke. Where would you guys go if you could go anywhere? If you could get off the grid and just fucking go? Oh, boy. Bogus, I was cool to do that. Bogus, I was sick. Bogus, I was very sick. I would probably go somewhere in Latin America, too.

If I was going for long term, because that's the idea, to disappear, I would probably do Australia. Australia. But that's such a fucking hike that it's got to be like a month. I'm not going to Australia for like a week. Spend like four days traveling to get there. Yeah, it's a while. But yeah, I think I would do some Australia type shit. I think probably Ecuador.

Somewhere central. I could do the Mediterranean too. Mediterranean's good. Ecuador's cool because there's different regions. So the Amazon and the beaches are like wildly different. And the vibes and the mountains too are like the bohemians stuff but like and they don't kidnap white people in there no a little bit in wyakil in like the main city there's a little gangy but the rest are like there's not enough tourism to like to make that see the thing is though i feel like there's no

beggars in westchester yeah yeah yeah i feel like you have a look though where you can kind of blend in anywhere whereas like we look like dumb white boys you know I feel like you have a look, though, where you can kind of blend in anywhere. Whereas, like, we look like dumb white boys, you know? No, that's not true. You kind of look a little. Southeast Asia, you would stick out the most. In Southeast Asia? Yeah. They have red hair.

They would, like, they would just, like, mouth. Yeah, but they'd be like, that's our king. This is our fucking. What am I? The boy with the fire hair. Pictures taken of you? Yeah, they would just have no, like, they just. Yeah.

That's the weird thing. They're like, can we take a picture? Like, should we have a camera? Like, no, on your camera. And you're like, what am I going to do with it? Like, just take it have no, like, they just did it, right? That's the weird thing. They're like, can we take a picture? Like, should we have a camera? Like, no, on your camera. And you're like, what am I going to do with it? Like, just take it home to America with me on it.

They're just like, like the idea of being crazy in some of those places. One of my favorite stories, my brother, he was in Australia for, he was studying abroad. And my uncle was going to Tokyo

and he convinced my parents, he's like, look, I'm never going to be over on this side of the world again. Like, can you get me a flight to Tokyo? And my parents, look, I'm never going to be over on this side of the world again. Can you get me a flight to Tokyo? And my parents got it thinking it was going to be like a 45-minute flight. It's a nine-hour flight.

It's not close. Yeah, I'm on this side of the world. So what? You're on the bottom part of the world. You don't fly to Brazil for a flight. But he had gone. He was in college. He was studying abroad.

And he had gone. He's a big dude. And he had gone to the party in college. He was studying abroad. And he had gone – he's a big dude. And he had gone to the party that night dressed as the Hulk and just went to the airport the next morning still in like green paint and like a shirtless – a sleeveless shirt and like a sleeveless vest and got on the flight like that. He's like – he's texting me when he gets to Tokyo. He's like, dude, I'm just walking around and everyone is staring. Tokyo. He's like, he's like, dude, I was walking around and everyone is staring. I'm like, yeah. I mean,

for it to be, to be fair, you're painted green. I was going to say that would happen anywhere. It was like, he's like, he was like, he's like,

yeah, but he's, I'm just so much bigger than everybody here. Everyone's just flabbergasted by me. You, you don't think you blend in. I feel like you kind of have like an ethnic look. I'm too tall for a lot of these places. I'm too tall.

No, I could blend in. No. I was with Paul Morrissey in Amsterdam. We were going to a bar, and the guy was like Nigerian. But he was living there, and he was like, come on in, sir. Shalom, my brother. To me.

He's like, no, I can still look at you. Are you going back to Israel anytime soon I went with my brother a couple years ago it was fun but damn it's different also I'm not religious anymore

I was there last when I was like you know had the fucking Rapunzel hair on the side what made you like get out of that wised up

yeah you just realized it was a fucking joke I read a different book yeah it's so funny that like you're one of the most you're porn.com

just my life like you were you were heavy into that shit right heavy yeah and then you were just like wait a minute I'm gonna have a brain

I'm gonna have thoughts for myself I mean they have thoughts it's just so it's just such a restricted life some of those guys look down on me but I'm, I look down on you.

I don't follow it, but I do have one or two Orthodox friends still, and I just make fun of them. I use their stuff against them. You know too much, man. Yeah, that's the thing. You're very well-versed in all this. I'll call them on stuff they're doing on the specific deep-cut law that they're breaking. They're like, fuck. Do you feel like you just wasted a huge chunk of time doing it?

Oh, yeah. You think that's part of the reason why you're like, go, go, go, always doing shit, always living? Because it's like, well, I wasted the first 20 years of my life. It might be. It wasn't a waste. You learn how to break stuff down. I mean, no, no, no. Yeah.

I mean, childhood. I had friends. You play basketball. You do regular childhood stuff. Yeah. No, but I do agree that there's some value to it, even if you don, I had friends. You play basketball. You do, like, regular childhood stuff. Yeah. No, but I do agree that it's not, like, there's some value to it, even if you don't follow through on it. Not creative thinking, but critical thinking is real big in, like, the Talmud. So, like, that stuff I use.

Yeah, that's applicable everywhere. But that whole, like, you know, chew the baby's dick thing. Yeah. That's not funny. The taste would last longer. Ari's like, I don't regret it at all I got my first blowjob really young

I got it out of the way everyone else is worried about virginity but me I did fuck a lot of rabbis though became an issue I'm telling you

those tits are flabby but whatever see it with that fucking shirt off I guarantee you you'll be like oh I see what he's saying alright

where's the tour? Okay, so I'm going to Nashville September 11th. I hope that I will not have any irresponsible jokes. You should legitimately not be allowed to perform on September 11th.

I think that that should be like all of the comedy clubs in the world unionize and say no Ari Shafiro on September 11th. I mean, I can't help it a lot of times what are you going to say

what's like your I don't know but when it happened in LA when we started getting on stage again I was like guys it's so bad but you know

at least it was New Yorkers and then I was doing that for a while I was getting some laughs some moans some laughs and then after like five months

I came to New York I tried it here and people were like not over it five months dude there was still rubble in the air. There was still a fucking mushroom cloud over us at that point.

Fucking Christ, man. Jews did it. Fucking nailed it again. Mr. Wall and next 9-11. Fucking great planners. Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen. Ari Shafir. Spokane, Tacoma, Miami.

All tickets are at arieshafir.com. Orlando and Tampa and Oklahoma City and fucking another one. San Antonio. Do you ever go overseas? Yeah, I love doing long tours of Europe and stuff. Yeah, you play well over there? Like you sell as many tickets? Not as many, but plenty. because not many of my crew are there

so when you're there it's like a special thing right so like yeah you do small theaters and it's fun I try to like space it out so I have a couple days off

so I can like like in Berlin I'm like I'm doing drugs here four days of one show god that place is fun all they told you is like just go to the bath and you'll find drugs

and then you're peeing and you turn around and somebody's like, hey. Really? That's Berlin or Germany or specifically Berlin? Yeah. Goddamn, they get down. Really? Like nowhere else. And so chill about it.

The dance clubs, they have different genres of like, so you can have like a rockabilly dance. It doesn't have to all be techno. Right, right. Everyone just dances. And then you're like, how? It's like, well, you have performance enhancing drugs. You have random molly from fucking people and they're like, this is speedy.

I'm like, alright, thanks, whatever. God, I hope you somehow knock a chick up just so that your fun stops. I thought you were going to say knock a chick out so I get arrested. Or that. Use that spite. I like it. Kids can be fucking playdates together. សូវាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបា Thank you.