KFC Radio - Jeffrey Epstein, Tik Tok, and Girls Gotta Eat

Episode Date: November 5, 2019

Did John get canceled by the Minifans? Could you beat your own clone in a fight? Tom Brady said something that KFC thinks is worthy of a cancel.  The Singular Platform Initiative. TikTok is (allegedly) pedophilia. Am I The Asshole for canceling y husbands boys trip? Describe yourself using 3 TV characters. Rayna and Ashley fro Girls Gotta Eat return to talk about how Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself, what it takes for a guy to be "new apartment worthy", life on the road, and the difference between pole dancers and strippers.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by New Amsterdam Vodka. New Amsterdam, they are proud supporters of the Chicklets. They were proud sponsors of our last live show. We'll be heading to Philly to get this thing back up on stage. They are at the cutting edge of basically all of the things that Barstool Sports is doing right and doing good.

So support them. Drink their vodka. Support Chicklets and KC Radio, all the other shows here at Barstool Sports. It's kind of like a two-for-one. If you drink New Amsterdam, A, you're drinking vodka, getting drunk. That is one of the better parts of it. That's like the biggest. When you think about it, liquor distributors are like the most important people in the world. Yeah. So thank you. That is one of the better parts of it. That's like the biggest, you know, when you think about it, liquor distributors are like the most

important people in the world. Yeah. So, thank you. That they are. And two, you're supporting Barstool Sports. Doctors, too, but one. Well, nah. I mean, two. Two. I'll give them two. I'll give them three. With two. Barstool. We're more important on your day-to-day. I will not take that.

We're more important on your day-to-day. Come on not take that. I'm not going to set myself up for a dead skin failure. We're more important on your day-to-day. Come on, man. Give me a break. So drink the Pink Whitney. Drink the vodka. Listen to the chicklets. Come buy tickets at KFC Radio.

It's the official vodka of life. That's what it is. Vodka's life, if you ask me. Yeah, it is. It's just like... Actually, I've started just shooting vodka, most exclusively. Yeah, it is. It's just like... Actually, I've started just shooting vodka most exclusively. Yeah, that is an aggressive move.

But it does go down smooth. Where is it? Go ahead, grab it. I'll prove it to you. If you're watching on Barstool Goals, go to barstoolgoals.com slash KFC. It goes down smooth.

It goes down easy. I'm not the type of guy who wants to just grab a warm bottle of liquor and shoot it, but I can. So I do it. That's what New Amsterdam does for you.

Yeah, just rip her down there, sure. And it's affordable. That's kind of the thing. Smooth vodka at a good price. Help out your favorite blogs and podcasts and whatnot. Go get yourself some New Amsterdam vodka. Big show. Girls got Eater on. Ashley and Raina are back.

They're fucking crazy. I love those girls. They're like, I think they are like what people expect us to be. I can see that. I think people think that we're crazy and wild and loud and outspoken. If you catch us at the bar, that's the scene you're going to catch. And it's just going to be two depressed guys drinking. And they're just like, they got jokes and confidence and they're funny.

It's almost like you're in a stand-up act. They're quick with it. I'm just like,'m here fucking er over here so we sat down with them for like an hour so they'll be at the back end uh we also did our voicemails of course um we'll do some am i the asshole some cancels we got a big show for you john himself was almost canceled yeah john almost got canceled by kirk minnick so so we did the talk we talked about canceling canceled culture last episode on the show well and this has been going on for a long time you kind of being like that and i and i kind of co-signed it with when bill burr and dave chappelle were talking about it was like you know let's not get out of control here.

Comedy is not dead. People are still making money. But I was aware, you know, there are still situations where there's consequences for your words. But you were, you know, I'm also just not, I'm not the right guy for this. Because last episode you were like, give me an example. And I'm like, I'm not well versed. You know, like maybe somebody else can. And Kirk Minahan and his banyan of fucking uh

yes men are obviously waking up every morning like remember this time and remember that time and you know fighting like holding vigil for people who've been canceled so you went toe to toe with the cancel gang but it was it started because the worst part was that they asked me to come on on friday not come on friday show but the text so i got the text friday saying to come monday right so i had like i was i had a really bad week last week like i didn't come in since wednesday i was i was wearing a lot of hats deep depression week yeah if you see me wearing hats it's a bad look i'm with you on that it means like i you're not trying you're not looking my way in the mirror that morning yeah i've been like having like weird sleep and i slept like for like i slept from wednesday to saturday

night and it was it was like i like i don't know what was going on i'm just like covered in bruises yeah oh yeah oh yeah whoa whoa whoa dude like that they say that shit like manifests in your skin i was like waking up like all bruised and shit and they say that shit, like, manifests in your skin. I was, like, waking up, like, all bruised and shit. And they say that manifests in your skin? Yeah, well, it's like when. I think you were blacked out and, like, fighting hobos or something like that. I didn't go out. I didn't get out of my bed.

So you think. I mean, you don't just wake up with bruises from depression, do you? I was like, I was like, I must have been hit. I don't know. Oh, yeah, you were self-mutilating, yeah. But I was thinking about it. Because I, like, I'm like, oh, you're self-mutilating. But I was thinking about it. I'm like, oh, you know what it must have been?

It must have been like, you know, when seasonal depression and regular depression, when they finally link up. It's a superstar. It's like an AFC North December game. Yeah. Only you're playing the Bengals and the Steelers. And it's just them versus you. So you're like, I need to do this. No pads, no helmet.

But then once the Minahan thing got added on, and I just got so much anxiety about it. Because I was convinced that what they were going to do on the Minahan show was they were going to try and cancel me to prove a point. Right. And I just... You ever see the movie The Life of David Gale? No. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. and I just you ever see the movie The Life of David Gale no you know what I'm talking about

they like they go the real extra mile to prove that like something's wrong with the death penalty yeah like the girl kills herself

and they frame him and he gets executed and then they reveal that it was a call upon he did it for the cause he wanted that to happen

to prove this is why you can't have the death penalty because a wrongful execution can happen. Anyway, I was just talking about going the extra length. That'd be like if you canceled yourself, though.

Right, right, right, right. But I mean, they kind of are because we're on the same team here. To cancel one of your co-workers is extreme. Are we on the same team? We're definitely not. We're actually at war

with each other. I like outsiders way more than I like people at Barstool. But for Minahan to have done that would be like i was convinced they were gonna have i was like going i was going through like from friday to monday i was going through like anything i've ever said i like thought they were gonna have like a row of ex-girlfriends in studio i thought like i was like i don't know what i don't know what they have on me but like they're they're gonna have something and like i'm like and like i was just planning i was expecting the worst you know like plan for the best yeah or hope for the best plan for the worst yep i'm like the both expect the best expect the

worst don't plan for anything like don't have a plan just just fucking right in there about it for three days and then this morning i woke up and it was fine it was was like I was a new man. I felt so much better. But we had a good time on the show. Also, doesn't that kind of prove their point? Oh, no. You have to always be worried that someone might just dig up. You know you're a good person. You know you haven't done anything.

I think. Haven't done anything cancel-worthy. But if someone had an ax to grind and really wanted to do it, they could at least attempt. And maybe they don't succeed, but you'd have to defend yourself in the the court of public opinion and that's kind of the point i don't think about that with like regular people on like or any regular i don't think about that with it because i mean i don't do that on a daily basis but i think it made me

have more respect for and i already respected kirk but more aside for kirk for like because like that's what he deals with like every with that fucking dude. Or at least dealt with every day for that guy for a while. And I was like, dude, I had three days of depression. And already the one combining with the depression and just like anxiety about someone trying to get me. And I was like, it was a rough week. Bro, that guy physically follows him. Yeah. Like, that's crazy.

I actually got to give Kirk props. I think Kirk's a crazy person. Well, he is. That's not a I actually got to give Kirk props. I think Kirk's a crazy person. Well, he is. That's not a thing. He's a crazy person. By now, I would have physically fought that dude. If you're following me around at a family event and stuff, I'd be like, alright, I'm not a fighter, but I'm going to punch your face here. You know what I mean? We have to do this.

Did Kirk do anything to trigger this anxiety or that was all mental? No, that's all I said. It was all my insanity. He's I said. That's all my insanity. Because you were like, he's right, but that's just a coincidence that you felt this type of pressure because you just brought that on yourself. Yeah, I just thought. But I don't, I mean, theoretically every day someone could be trying to cancel.

I was just for sure they were trying to do it. Yeah. Doomsday is coming. That's what I was waking up for. Blind Mike and Steve Robinson are going to cancel me tomorrow. For them to make me answer about tweets or something. I don't know, man.

And what, did they just talk to you about other people who have been canceled? It took six minutes to talk about the canceling. After that, we just busted boss. I don't subscribe to the idea that you have to stand your ground. No, I'm right. If you offer me an example

of something i didn't consider but now you're right right that's a good point well for some reason people these days don't do that anymore okay no you're right i'll give you that yeah well that's why i was like i don't have an example but i'm sure there's yeah if you would throw one out i probably never even on that show and i don't have a horrible week thank you so really my ineptitude and my me not being well-versed in today's world fucked you on that yeah yeah really had a tough tough one i i mean i texted john at one point this weekend and i said why are we the way that we are and he said i don't know kevin because like the fact that that you had a depressing week and we're always like worried about things and it's just like this place man it's fucked up

i think i think it's like you did a good job of hyping me up it comes to you you i can't believe you had a bad week well yeah i was having a bad week so i had to gas someone else up yeah well you did i mean i was like i said john's on an upswing i was like you gotta see the text john sent me he's all proud of what we're doing here i mean he's by by thursday i knew that's why i was like well where's that coming from? Yeah, he knew. He's smart. I'm dumb. I was like, John's happy. So should I. I'll be happy, too. By the time

Thursday Night Football hit that week, we had, like, sold out our game. We dropped two episodes of the podcast. We dropped new merch. Making a Gambler came out. Did five days of radio. And it was like, most people don't do this in an entire year. And we did this in a week and i was like fuck yeah we did john i'm happy to hear you're happy meanwhile he's at home

cutting himself you had the noose around your head yeah it was one of those like list things to not kill yourself right right like dad give me five reasons why i shouldn't kill myself right now you put out of card game. Well, we did put out a card game. And actually, Vibs, lowering the bar is ATI this week. Yes, for a few minutes afterwards. Yes, we'll have to do that. Shout out to us.

Cheers. Let's do it again. A little more New Amsterdam on it. Barstoolgold.com slash KFC if you want to see us in action. The girls are on today, too. So something better to look at. Raina's got huge tits.

You can check that out. I mean, she says it as much. We're allowed to. Before you try to cancel me, give me 40 points. What the hell was God thinking when he built her? That's crazy. She's five feet tall with double D breasts. Her tits are wider, like out further than she is tall.

Crazy. Neil Brennan has a bit on where he talks about that. If you showed the female body to an architect with like skinny waist, big tits, long hair, whatever, tiny little feet. Put their ass over next to their pussy. Yeah, just like the size of an ass. An architect would look at it and be like, it's not safe. Not structurally sound.

I'm like, he's right. There's no sense to it at all. Meanwhile, John was wearing small underwear again last night. Yeah, I told you. And I saw it. He took off his pants. And they fit bizarrely well. It saw it. He took off his pants. And, like, they fit bizarrely well. It's weird.

It only really affects me. It just mashes my, like, ass, my dick into my asshole. It's like his dick and balls goes up into his ass. He fucks himself every time he wears. Because it, like, pushes. So, like, I have to, I will admit this. I have to, like, flatten the dick. To put them on?

To get it in. Come on. Those pants are not right for you. I'm using my hands. It's like a spatula to them on to get it in come on those pants are not right for you i'm using my hand it's like a spatula to like jam it in there shoehorn yeah yeah drop you have a dick you use your hand as a dick horn to get your dick in your underwear it's not the right size at one point it's not like i regularly wear a small underwear. Just when I need underwear. When I call 877-NEED-CASH-NOW. I need underwear now. And I know I have five clean pairs.

They're all small. Small. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get small. I'm going to go put on a pair of smalls. And I don't even think I'm going to show you. I'm just going to have to describe to you how bad it is. Because if I were to even try to show you, dicks and balls and ass would be spilling out of these things.

Yeah, well, that's why I wasn't like, I didn't give you the full show because, like, Casey was there yesterday. I was like, I don't know. We're in the office, and I don't know how far we can go with just, like, taking off pants where, like, a dick is, like, maybe popping out the back. You know what? If I had taken them off, it would have been Ace Ventura. Ah, you didn't say that! Fickle and Einhorn. Yeah, the fucking, you have the hemorrhoids in the back, man.

Like this fucking thing popping out like that. Oh, the goat just hanging out the back. Disgusting. I love when I know a reference is coming and I'm like, yeah, we're both thinking it, we're both thinking it, we're both thinking it. Fuck, what was I going to say? The Kirk Minahan vigil on Saturday. That was something.

I mean, that shit is an actual cult. That picture of Kirk standing with his arms out like Christ the Redeemer and his disciples hanging around. Crazy, crazy. I really want Kirk to win that battle. I don't know if you can when you're fighting deep pockets. I don't know how is that guy going to ever lose, but that would be great. I would guess it's a tough fight to win.

I wish him the best. It's impossible. Fighting money like that? The guy's a legitimate billionaire. I don't know anything about this guy. I believe I've heard him called a billionaire. Yeah, I think it's at least millions. You can't win that battle, man.

I don't know what you do with that. Guy's a fucking asshole. There's only one asshole bigger on the planet right now, and it's this guy from Am I the Asshole? Am I the Asshole today is brought to you by Steve Madden. You're an asshole if you're not wearing Steve Madden boots. Because there's one, two, three, four, five different pairs of boots that Steve Madden is offering right now. The Jotter boot, the Proven boot, the Harden boot, the Hightail boot, and what's this boot, John? The Analyst boot. Is that what it boot, and what's this boot, John? The analyst boot.

Is that what it is? Because it's spelled analyst. I think someone at Barstool Sports knows how to spell it, or whoever makes this copy, but it definitely says analyst, but I think they mean analyst. Get yourself some analyst boots. Steve Madden, they got the perfect blend of old school and new school. They are classic silhouettes with a new school twist to it, which is, you know, so that way you can show up and be like, boss, I'm wearing my boots.

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I have the Jotter boots that have a zipper on the side. I love that. I love a good zipper boot. We try to do that with our boot. So everything you need, suede, rubber, leather, it's a good look. It's a classic look. They're functional. Good to go.

Steve Madden, go to Dillard's and get yourself a pair. Am I the asshole today? You know I'm addicted to this shit where i just read all day long like am i the asshole on twitter and on reddit and um you know the ones they highlight on twitter are usually pretty extreme this one i think has to be the only time universally everyone agreed this person was the asshole because i think no matter what i've seen. Am I the asshole is usually just a question posed by someone who's not being the asshole. Confirmation. Looking for reassurance. Yes.

You know you're not being a dick. That's what this is. But it's astounding. She was like, let me go to my internet forum to confirm this. I mean, buckle up. Am I the asshole for demanding my husband cancel his boys weekend and come home? I'll tell you what, right off the bat, fuck yeah you are.

You're a fucking jerk. That, you know, guys, they just want one weekend away. They just want some time away. Don't fucking do it to them. Basically, my husband and I have been married for about six years and we have a three-year-old daughter, Elle.

Prior to getting married and having Elle, we were both very independent people. This hasn't changed. As much as we value our couple family time, we also both cherish time to ourselves and our own friends. We came up with an agreement that we each get one weekend a year to do whatever we like. Which is not remaining independent at all. You get one weekend a year to do what you want. So to be clear, fast forward to the end, the edit. She said, I want to clarify the weekend arrangement. My husband and I regularly have date nights and nights out with friends throughout the year.

This, quote, totally alone, do whatever you want, YOLO weekend is the only thing that happens once a year. So I guess this is the chance. This sounds like you almost go away and fuck other people. This sounds like a bachelor party weekend, not just like you go away with your buddies. It's almost like a don't ask, don't tell weekend, which if that's ever on the table, it's a trap. It's a setup. Hall passes and the like doesn't work. Not a real thing.

But yeah, well, this past weekend was my husband's time, and he chose a fishing trip with his pals, staying in a cabin roughly 30 minutes away. No problems. Saturday morning. My sister was involved in a serious car wreck. She's on life support. It's touch and go, and I'm devastated. I called my husband to tell him to come back home ASAP,

and he refused. He said it's his weekend, and he'll come to the hospital on Monday. He wasn't totally heartless, though. He listened to me cry and screamed and reassured me she'd be okay. But he was adamant that he's enjoying the remainder of his weekend and will join me today. My family are obviously noticing his absence,

and I, too, am embarrassed to tell them. I understand this is interfering with his weekend, but this is my sister. She's in critical condition. I'm stunned. He's never been this selfish before. I'm angry, upset, confused, and I don't know what to do. I told him if he didn't come home now, don't bother coming home at all.

Now I'm wondering if I was too harsh. I mean, your sister's about to die, your husband's around the block fishing, and he won't come home. It almost leads me to believe that in the end, I might be on the husband's side. Because it might be like, well, this sister's a fucking rapist or a murderer or something.

I was just gonna say, that doesn't matter. Like, something horrible. Yeah, a terrorist, perhaps, would get you off the hook. But really, I think anything short of terrorist. I think even murderers. Honestly, I'm starting to think she might be like an ISIS terror cell agent or something.

He's secretly like, well, let's hope this bitch dies. Like, cast my fucking line. That is... I'm going to look at some of the replies on Twitter. I know everything is different and all that stuff, but I can't imagine... Even if I was on the guys we get in, it was just like, we've been married, we have children, so let's say I've been on these

for 12 years, and she's never asked me to come home, but I just got a text like, hey, I really need you to come home, please. I don't need to hear that your sister's in the hospital or whatever. The only scenario... You've never asked me before in the lifespan of children and things like that, and I get one then, like, there's something wrong.

The only way is if it's like, I know you're crying wolf. If this is like, every time I'm out, you tell me, like, come home, there's a big problem. But if it's like, if it's clearly, if he's still saying no now, so she's known, she's definitely never asked them before. If it's no now, and you've had multiple children, I think I believe i heard so children just one just one so child just kid um children with an e as if it's different than child

childreny children child children children um the uh but yeah so yeah you have a kid so you've done you've done this for a few years at least oh i like so she put an update and she said like here's what's going on my kid here's what's going on my my sister like thanks for the support i've read your comments about an affair that's the only thing i could think is like this guy can't come home for some reason like he's not actually with his buddies down the hall he's like i'm in a fucking different country right now with my right my mistress but even like if you're in the country you can get mistress. But even if you're in a different country, you can get home. Right, but if you're like, I'm around the corner

and you're like, alright, I'll be home. When did you say he's around the corner? She said he's 30 minutes away. Oh, I didn't see that part. So like, in that case, you know, it's funny, I'm watching But even now, he's still saying like, no. Be like, we have like hard set plans. I can be home in six hours. Yeah, like, we're in the middle of this

fucking lake ice fishing and there's no way for me to get home or whatever. I can be home in six hours. Yeah. Like we're in the middle of this fucking lake ice fishing and there's no way for me to get home or whatever. You can, you can get, you can buy six to eight hours, 30 minutes away. Right. Find a way.

Come on. You can get where you are. You can get fucking home in time. Watching a new show on the, uh, Apple TV, the astronaut one, uh,

for all mankind. And there's this situation when this guy is like on work for NASA somewhere. And he wakes up and he's like all hung over and he calls his wife. And he's in the hotel room with another chick. He's cheating. And she flushes the toilet. And it's like, you're fucking caught.

And it takes place in the 60s, you know? It's like you could never have a phone by the toilet. If someone was like, whoa, why is that toilet flushing? You'd be like, I'm on the, I'm peeing. Yeah. And it's like, I, it's so funny that the different way you had to think, like the only way you could ever hear a toilet flushing while you're on the phone is if someone else is in the room with you.

Or you're staying at one of them ritzy ass hotels with the phone on the wall. When you can call when you pooping boy,'s when you know you do it like that you're like mom we're staying at the ritz tonight because this shit is class when you when you are taking a shit and you can't even wait to pick up the phone that's some presidential shit where it's like we gotta launch the nukes i don't care if i'm pooping but what happened with what you said i saw the comments about uh i'm just saying that like i think a lot of people were probably like you know you forget about the boys weekend and shit like your your boy i mean yeah that's like my mind that would definitely went there for a part but even then like i was like well what if he was mystery like

you'd be like well i can't fucking be with you anymore i have to go unless he's in like but that i'm saying he might not physically yeah yeah that's what i mean back yeah yeah 2019 you can you can get back you can buy a can buy a little time and get back. Everyone's just like – I mean I guess that is – Your husband's an asshole. I guess that is like the better way to hide it rather than being like 10 hours late and her being like, what the hell took you so long to get here from a half hour away?

Be like, I am sticking to this boys weekend. I'm on the boat on it yeah honestly just being like like i'll take so much heat for this but i can come back from that like i'll work my way out of this hole rather than like i was cheating and i'm cooked like remember that time you were like such an asshole with your friends and didn't want to come home versus the time you cheated one of those things end the marriage one of those things like you can work your way out of it of course like a decade but i don't know when this sister's about to die. Christ almighty. The shit that people will ask for on the internet like that.

Am I the asshole? Am I the asshole? I'm the asshole because my sister's about to die and I asked for my husband to come home? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are not the asshole. Your fucking husband is the asshole. You want to cancel some people, John? I want to cancel a thing. All right.

John's about to cancel a thing. Goat brings you today's. You know what? I'm going cancel a thing. All right. John's about to cancel a thing. GOAT brings you today's. You know what? I'm going to go first. Okay. I have my cancel first. I'm canceling the GOAT brought to you by GOAT. That's right.

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I feel like we're supporting bad habits because this shit is legal drugs, bro. 99 sneakers, John. That's a lot of sneakers. GOAT.com slash KFC. G-O-A-T.com slash KFC. Tom Brady's cancelled because you can't say the N-word anymore. That's just a fact.

All I know is the syllables came out of his mouth. That happened. You can't deny that. That happened. I can't deny it. No, you can't. I can't. I don't think I can deny it.

If Ed Reed says you can say it, you can say it. Well, that's the bigger thing there. And I'm happy we're here in the KFC Radio safe space because I tweeted it and caught a little bit of heat. I deleted my section of the blog because I don't want to get canceled. Shout out to Kirk Minahan. If Tom Brady did say it, nobody would care. I don't know. Somebody would care.

A lot of people would care. There would be more support and he'd be fine. No, Tom Brady could survive this. He absolutely could. He absolutely could. I guarantee you. I don't think anyone can do that. What do you think? He would lose his job?

Well, no. But he would get the form of counsel we were talking about where people would continue to yell at him all day. I think the same people who always try to do that would. I think that there are people who would be outraged by other people saying that word who wouldn't be with Tom Brady. That's a fact. I mean, Ed Reed being one of them, apparently. If Tom Brady, which he obviously didn't

I don't know if people haven't heard the clip it's him saying and I gotta go and it's his way and I gotta you're my crib tonight and it's like you're my crib tonight and then there also is an audio clicked version out there where it's like it actually is it it's like a big – and then there also is like an audio-clicked version out there where it's like it actually is it.

It's funny. It's my favorite story in a long time. It's – I think if Ed Reed says you can say it's okay, it's okay. If Ed Reed comes into this room and he's like, you guys can say it, I'm still not going to say it if we're being perfectly honest because I am terrified. In recent years, the idea of like the past is no longer a thing. But if it still were, Tom Brady is literally number one on the list. Well, Chad Ojozingo, when he's on the Patriots, tweeted a picture of him and Tom Brady. So good.

And it's them dapping up, and it just says, two black guys. And then in parentheses, it says, if you know Brady, you know. Yes. And I don't know what that means. Does that mean Brady's got a hammer dick there's probably a million things it means he's the man he's just the fuck like that yes that's the coolest this cancels work in reverse because like this is just he's getting propped up on the planet like i i genuinely think that there would be certain people who would be like you no matter

what i'm outraged and then there would be people who would be like another player said this i'd be at his fucking throat and maybe even publicly they'd have to just because of the meaning of that word. There's certain things you can't stand for. But on the inside, and maybe even outwardly, they'd be like, it's all good. It's Tom. Honestly, Tom Brady has done so much for our culture. There aren't many guys walking away with Super Bowl rings and shit

because of Tom Brady. This guy has earned it. Migos. Migos. They have that picture with him at Michigan where they're all like, Brady, this guy has earned it. Migos, they have that picture with him in Michigan where they're all like Brady. Brady even has the face on, but he's in like a sweater vest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's the white guy. Yeah, it's a very funny picture. And don't they have a line in front of that picture like something about Tom Brady for the culture? Probably. Tom Brady is for the culture, all sorts of cultures, left and right. He's multicultural, that motherfucker. So, yeah, I mean, I guess he's not canceled.

I guess he's actually, what's the opposite of canceled? Like, we ordered more of him. Fuck Tom Brady. Just retire, dude. Just say it for real and get canceled for real or die or retire. Just get out of my goddamn life. Who are you canceling? I am canceling, this is a long time coming,

this new trend that people talk to you via multiple texting services at the same time. You're talking like I'll text you and then Instagram DM you? And then Instagram DM, like in the same conversation. And then it'll be like, why haven't you replied about that jason moa video i'm like what jason moa video i haven't seen anything are you canceling your girlfriend it's like i did well this sounds more like you're canceling people who get angry at you if they don't reply to certain texts i don't think it has anything to do with the forum. People talk about it.

Did Jason send you a Jason Momoa video? Yeah, it's a cool one. He's eating a fucking bear eating a cookie out of his mouth. It's amazing. But the point stands, if you are, and people, I have five people who do it to me. One of them is my buddy Pat, and it's like, I'll be texting with you, and then it's like Pat just DM'd you.

But I only get push notifications on Twitter, so it works with them a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can go click up. I don't get push notifications on Instagram. And I was like, how do you see all these things? I don't have a problem with somebody sending it because sometimes if I want to send you, hey, did you see that thing on Instagram? You can kind of just – there's usually a direct thing for that. You know what I mean?

If you're on a certain platform where it's just easy to be like, I can tag you in this or send it to you. But you can talk to me about it on the text. You know what I mean? No, I think if I watched it on Instagram, we'd talk about it on Instagram. I'm on your side here. I'm saying I don't think you have to... So you'll get the message

from Jason Momoa. You'll get the Jason Momoa video. And you don't acknowledge it at all? I just didn't see it because I didn't know to go check my Instagram. Oh, got it. So the conversation carries on. Got it. I haven't looked at the Jason Momoa video. Got it. Yeah, yeah. One form of

communication. I long for the day, and I think it's coming. Although, I don't know. It probably means the government's taking over the internet. I would love for the day where I just go onto the internet, and I am KFC Barstool. And it's just one place. Oh, yeah. That's, what do they call them? They're Bitcoins.

It's like, I think it's your Bitcoin handle. Yeah. It's just like, this is it. It's almost like your social security number the problem there is like if you lose that then like you lose everything yeah i forget my passwords every other day if i forget that one i'm like done with the world but it would be nice where it's just like you can tweet you can write little quips and post pictures and do short videos and whatever the fucking i'm on tiktok now john like it should just be one place

terrible i mean i'm terrible at it terrible howrible. How am I going to get these, like, 14-year-old girls to follow me? Signing up for TikTok as an adult man is as close to pedophilia as you can get as touching a kid. It's like, I am opting into this new platform with the hopes that young girls will like me and want me. You are, if you are on TikTok willingly, you are a pedophile. What is, what have you done? I made a – there's a TikTok – I don't know what you call them. There's a song, a meme, I guess. One of our boys, E40, has a song.

Yep, nope, yep, nope. And so people are like – they act out one question. Yep, nope, nope. So I put text on the screen. Am I on TikTok? Yep. Do I want to be on TikTok? Nope. Do I have to be on TikTok because of work? Yep. Am I embarrassed. Nope. So I put like text on the screen and be like, do I, am I on TikTok? Yep. Do I want to be on TikTok? Nope.

Do I have to be on TikTok? Cause it worked. Yep. Do I, you know, am I embarrassed? Yep. So I made that.

Uh, and then I made a video about, uh, McDonald's Sprite being too spicy. And, uh, um, I think I had one more or had an idea for another one.

I gave up. I gave up already. I gave it. Everyone was like, all you gotta do is make like one tick doctor video you get like a hundred thousand followers that didn't happen i got like 200 so now i'm out it took me way too long to make that one video it took me like 40 minutes to make a tick tock video because you have to like like i had to have text pop up on screen so you have to

like text you have to type it out and then you have to like be like i want it to pop up here for this duration press save start at the beginning yeah you have to be like, I want it to pop up here for this duration. Press save. Start at the beginning. Yeah, you have to edit videos. Yeah, you're just a video editor. It's what we hired other humans to do. We have to do ourselves now? Fuck out of here.

It's actually a great video editor. You think when Dave eventually jumps on TikTok, he's not going to be like, Frankie, make this. Dave will never be able to make his own TikTok. That's how complicated that shit is. Yeah, video editing is a profession. Frankie, make this. Dave will never be able to make his own TikTok. That's how complicated that shit is. Yeah, video editing is a profession. You're at a music and effects and shit. It's like, oh, I wanted to make one about peanut butter.

I wanted to make one about scooping peanut butter. I was like, this sucks. I'm out of here. Explain to me the meme. I want to hear the meme. No, it's not even a meme. It's just like I love scooping out a fresh fucking thing of peanut butter. When you fucking scoop that, I mean, I could come to that. What's the video?

It was just me scooping the peanut butter. But these guys, they like – What's the music with it? That's what I mean. I was like, all right. So I'm going to like – that's what I said to myself. Because there's always these things like – It's peanut butter jelly time.

It's peanut butter jelly time. See, that's good. That's good. I'm going to go make it right now. I got to send it on my phone. It's always got like all the TikToks I see always have that like bass drop and then it all changes. Like, I'll do something like that when I scoop the fucking ice cream, the scoop the peanut butter. And then I was like, okay, like, here are your options.

And I was like, I don't know how to do any of this. I can't do any of these things. John, did I tell you? Kev knows already, but our intern, our old intern is a TikTok star. Oh, yeah. I've heard, too. Like, millions of followers or some shit. It's like, oh, you got almost a million followers.

He routinely does, like, 10 million views. He's probably going to get rich. Probably. He's probably getting paid. How? They're going to, like, roll out, like, the same monetization as all these other things. Sure. You know, you can get 50 grand for a swipe up.

It's like, you know, make us a TikTok video. Here's 10 grand. I remember I saw Logan Paul got 250 grand for a six second Vine once. It was... Yeah, it's Vine. It's Vine, yeah.

Cody Coe does just like his Vines on there where he like plays both characters and he's talking back and forth. So he just has a funny joke and he just tells it on TikTok.

Be funny on TikTok, guys. Just be funny on TikTokiktok i know that's the thing it's so stupid but it's for pedophiles canceling anybody who talks on multiple platforms you just have one that's a very specific one and i think i also think that you it is everyone only gets which kind of goes to what we were just talking about, you only get one platform even as a whole, like as a celebrity. You don't get to be a cross-platform celebrity. When Andrea Savage was in here, we're like, it's fucking bullshit you have a podcast now.

And she's like, hey, John, come over and read my book. I mean, I'm pretty sure everyone who's super famous is all over every platform. Yeah, I know, but I'm saying that should be, like, you should just have one. Yeah. Is this what you got famous on? That's it. You stay on that one. Yeah. Is this what you got famous on? That's it. You stay on that one. But celebrity celebrities can be on everything.

But if you're a Vine star, you stay on Vine. If you're a YouTube star, you stay on YouTube star. Yeah, if you're a mega movie star, you can be on everything except podcasts because that's really the one that's the most important. Can we be on YouTube? Yeah, because I don't think we've gotten famous yet. It's true. You're allowed to be mediocre at everything. Yeah, yeah. don't think we've gotten famous yet. It's true. You don't have to be mediocre at everything. Let's get into our

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Well, so naturally. Spoiler alert. If you could fight a better version yourself would you win all right viva why would i be able to beat a better version of myself i well so in the show which i have not finished now i guess i just did now you have uh maybe we beep that out or something because Because, like, yeah, let's beep that out. Just because people will get mad at us. Just beep out. The fight happens in the first episode.

So that's fine. Yeah, yeah. So in Paul Rudd's new show, he fights a clone of himself. Could you beat the clone? Yeah. I mean, first of all. Why? No, no, no, no, no.

I don't think you can beat the clone. But, like, I don't think it could be the clone but like i i don't i wouldn't say they had a fight i'm clarifying the scene as first i wouldn't say they oh yeah so then we're taking a little liberty here with our hypothetical yeah if you have a clone which i'll allow hypothetical death like fight to the death could you beat him um and again he specified a better version yeah but i but I think he means... He didn't really clarify a lot here. This caller stunk. I've seen the show.

It's not very good. I don't care for it too much. Hey, it gave him his memeable... Look at us. Honestly, that was a success for Paul Rudd based on just that. That's true. That's very true. But the...

But I think what he means by... as long as he's talking about that shit version what he means by better than he was just like a they're better at work and they're better oh in that case so i'm kind of like the the grimy version of me then i probably would win because i probably have like no honor i'd kill myself i'd kill the shit out of myself yeah like the other guy's like really really nice guy and all that. Whereas, yes, this Paul Rudd picks up an axe first. Yeah, as long as it's a physical wash. It's not like he's better than me because he's in shape. Right, no, no, no.

Same exact person. As a matter of fact, I've been looking to kill somebody. I can't tell the difference between you as far as body type goes. I've been looking to kill somebody. Yeah, that's true. If you're going to kill someone, make it yourself because no one's ever going to look for you. It's basically suicide. It's like I get to finally kill myself without dying.

Right. Done. Perfect. Like this is a opportunity. In fact, that might be a worse version of it. But like, like actually, I'm going to lose this fight. I'm going to take a dive on this one, motherfucker. But the, yeah, I guess I would be pretty confident against myself, especially if this other version of you is very new to the world.

And, like, I don't think they'd have – they'd have the same fighting skills as you have because they have the same brain as you. But I don't think they'd have the same anger as you. Right. Right? So, like, this guy's happy. This clone's, like, this world's pretty good. I'm like, hey, man, let's have, like, a sparring session. And I'm like, I got razor blades under my tongue. I'm like, I have

31 years of pent-up rage. Yeah. And I've been looking for someone to unleash upon. And unleashing upon myself is actually my desire. Guess whose day it is, John. It is yours. Maybe you were doing this.

Maybe this is why you're bruised. You fought yourself. A yellow arm. Yeah, you look like somebody painted you yellow, dude. I don't know what it's all about. But yeah, I think that's why I would win. If everything's the same. The depression. If everything's the same, you just don't have the rage that I think any human being has.

Yeah, a clone's never going to have that. So the human probably wins out every time. Yeah. Then, yeah, we'll take that. Next up. What's up, KFC Fight Super Producer BC? My question is, if you could describe yourself using three TV show characters, what would it be? So for me, it's Russ Hanneman.

Well, nobody cares about you. Silicon Valley. Ari Gold. Entourage. And one other, I can't remember. Yeah, great, dude. Awesome. Nailed it.

Nailed it. You didn't ever think of the third? You didn't ever think of it?? He didn't ever think of it. He just called in, asked for three. Gabe said, for example, for me, as if we'd met him. Maybe he comes. Do you want to find out? No, he's done.

It's a great question, though. Four examples after, but a great question. Three TV characters. Now it's like, what TV characters? I want to be like, Jax Teller. Right, right. You know, Vince from Entourage.

No. I'm the store-bought version of Hank Moody. I'm the bootleg version of him. I mean, this is going to be... Go ahead. I mean, Hank's a good one that I was probably going to steal,

but I have a different... Reasoning? No, I wasn't going to. I was going to go with a store-bought version of Tim Briggins because it's... I mean, that's... We're talking about looks. Right.

Tim Briggins, Sans looks. Tim Briggins with my looks, not a desirable person. Yeah, you're right. Sans looks, you're Tim Briggins, Sans looks Tim Riggins with my looks Not a desirable person You're right, Sans looks, you're Tim Riggins Yeah, like without his I'm Tim Riggins without his looks I'm Tim Riggins with all of his worst qualities No drive, no skills A bad drinking problem

Zero motivation Yeah, Tim Riggins is a pretty fucking good one when you think about it isn't it kevin everyone just everyone goes to his looks first no i don't think i look like tim riggins i do think i have everything else with him oh it's sad it's funny because it's true because it's true um the uh but hank's another good one um let's see i think probably like uh like uh like a gossip girl like a blake lively gossip girl maybe girl from gossip girl yeah yeah like i've never even seen the show, but I imagine she's just kind of a bitch and really materialistic.

That's one. Put that on the board. Let me just think of all my worst qualities and backdoor it. Let me just figure out what I don't like about myself, find a TV character who does that. We're good. Yeah.

I just gotta think of a third one, but I'm'm just out of qualities yeah so that's all i got kind of a bitch material i have matched all of my qualities i have seven i only got two people's worth that's none of them are desirable oh man that's we'll have to get that's that's one to think about and that's a Oh, man. That's one to think about. And that's a good question for the audience, too. Three characters that define you, although nobody knows who you guys are, so who cares? Tell us who you think what our characters are. That's the better one.

Okay. How about this guy saying Russ Hanneman and Ari Gold, though? Who's Russ Hanneman? He's the guy from... Oh, he from silicon valley yeah yeah which one though the billionaire those don't really jive right can't be both of those things can you apparently he's very wealthy yeah i guess fucking anal land at your house dude harry gold good for you uh tell us who who me and john and other barstool characters. Who their TV characters are. So listen to today's episode.

Tweet us who you think. Which characters represent us. And then on Thursday's episode. We'll put together the best choices. The ones that we came up with. The best ones from the audience. And we'll create the official list of KFC Radio. And Barstool characters on TV.

What's their name? The cartoon. The MTV cartoon. Daria? Daria. Yeah. Daria's my third. I think we both share some Daria.

I'm Tim Riggins, Daria, and Blake Liley's character in Gossip Girl. I am two women. And an alcoholic teenager. Asked to break down what characters represent my qualities the most. I picked two women. Two girls and a drunk child. Tell you what, extremely accurate. Extremely accurate.

I'm fucking good at this game. The opening scene of Dario with the volleyball is like, that's it for me. That's the whole fucking life for me. That's it. Tried. Tried. Tried. Next up.

Hey, boys. Not in the shotgun, but someone coming to you hammered live on the train. Just here, this girl, just talking about leaving a party that a guy that she was kind of hooked up with invited her and she said, oh yeah, I know. I was there and there's only like seven people. So I just left because obviously that guy's not cool. What? And I got no horse in the race, but I'm just over here talking to her friend about this on the train.

I'm thinking, I mean, that's kind of fucked up, like, just gonna give it to you to pretend, chance, because there's just not enough people there, it seems a little outrageous, at least, you know, to get some context, but, anyway, I guess the point is, like, did you ever show up to a situation where you thought like yeah you know what there's really not enough uh you know not enough people here to make it really an interesting time so i'm out viva what do you ever think about the people who do that like you get embarrassed about drunk texts or who you called like you called an automated robot and just babbled on actually i guess that's worse because like so many times you send a text message when you're drunk or make a call when you're drunk and you can reach out you don't know what you said on that

you don't know what you said and you don't know when it will be addressed right this you don't know we might put this voicemail next year, and you might be canceled. That is true. People probably also think that we do every voicemail or something like that. No, the vast majority don't make it through. Yeah, a lot of them don't make it through. So he might just think, all right, they're getting to it. And for the next three weeks, he is just waiting.

It's horrified. You never know what's coming next. What was the point? The point was if you were going to a place where there just aren't enough people there for it to be interesting? Yes. Yeah, every day when I go home. A girl went to a party and left the party because there weren't enough people there. And he's not happy about that.

I hate the classic, like, well, who's there? That drives me crazy. I don't fucking care anymore. But I guess that used to drive me crazy. It's like, me, I'm here? That drives me crazy. I don't care anymore. I don't fucking care anymore. But I guess that used to drive me crazy. It's like, me, I'm here. Do you want to come or not? Fuck off. No, I disagree.

I think that's still a place. I'm still going to be like, well, who else is going? Yeah, well, you're rude. Because I don't. You're rude. And also don't be like, hey, free Friday. Like, why? Like, you don't. Depends on what you're about to say yeah yeah like that if

you're about to say something i don't want to do no i'm busy it's not i do like i'm free as a bird it's not hey are you free friday question mark it's hey are you friday here's what we're planning on doing that's one sentence it's not hey what are you doing because then you say yeah if i say nothing and you hit me with something i don't know how to do it. Now you're fucked. You fucked me. Well, that's a savvy move from someone who's trying to get a person who's a social misfit out. Yeah, yeah. No, I kind of like that move.

Don't you ever do it for me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But, John, I feel like you say who else is there because you want to avoid people, right? Yes. Yeah. Oh, I'm not looking for more people. I'm looking for less. Traditionally, it's like who's there because I want more people.

All right, that's a totally different angle. That I'm okay with. Tell me what's going on so I know who to avoid versus I'm only going there if it's popular. Yeah, oh, no, no, no, no. If you're like, it's just me, I'm like, perfect. I'll be there. That's like the total opposite of why people do that. Oh, good. It's a boring place that's not popular? Yeah. Sold.

Done. I'll be right there. But if it's like, oh, with this person, this person, this person, I probably can't make it. Right. Oh, just something popped up. Yeah. I'm going to be sick that day. Yeah. No, that's so true.

Seven people might be too many for John. It's funny how much it flips. But I get like if I was like, if I was like just started seeing this person, not even seeing this person, but like person they're trying to hook up with or whatever. And like I walk into an apartment and it's just like six people and it's like one person on their own chair over there i'd be like this is gonna get weird yeah like that in that case i'd rather it be 50 people because there's the middle ground number is the worst that's the worst i'd rather be like raucous environment where no one can really hear each other everyone's kind of just dancing whatever because then you're just alone in a group

whereas if there are seven people, you are with six people. You're going to talk to every single person. You're going to have to have a conversation with all of them. You're going to have to have stories for all of them, impress all of them. Not for it. I have several weeks in a row now been like, be more social. Like, don't do something. I heard you're hitting tonight.

Yeah, probably not, though. Come on. See, I make these promises, and then I can't do these things. I don't want to do it. I mean, I want to do these things, but I don't really want to do these things. Well, we'll talk about them. Next up. Let's do the last voicemail of the day before we get into these interviews.

Brought to you by Quip. Go to getquip.com slash KFC. Get yourself a new toothbrush. Casey actually swiped my Quip right off my desk the other day. No, she swiped my Quip off your desk. Which I swiped from you. Yes. Yes.

That bitch. I worked so hard to get that toothbrush. I gave it to you for a picture, never got it back. Now Casey has it. And she used it. I don't care about that. Get Quip,

because the reason why you want to get Quip, it's a sexy looking toothbrush. It's an advanced toothbrush toothbrush it's a uh advanced toothbrush it's got pulsating timers i'll let you know where to brush when to brush how long to brush it's got uh free brush heads that get sent to you on a three-month schedule when you sign up at getquip.com slash kfc so the thing that about your toothbrush the reason you got gross teeth and a bad smile is because you've been using an old-school toothbrush with worn-out bristles. And when you get Quip, you have an updated toothbrush that's technologically advanced that sends you brush head refills every three months because that's what you're supposed to be doing.

I mean, honestly, I've probably used toothbrushes for, like, years. You know? Like, the only reason I ever replaced a toothbrush is because of, like, an old-school toothbrush. Oh, I thought you meant, like, you're meant like I've been on toothbrushes for years. No, no, no. I'm saying like the only way I would have ever replaced a head back in the day is like I went on a weekend trip, brought my toothbrush, brushed my mind, I forgot it. I had to get a new one.

I bet on... Or if I get really sick, I'm like, all right, I got to get rid of these germs. But otherwise, I'm never like, oh, these bristles are worn down. Every three months? Four times a year? You know what? I probably... Out of like cognizance, like it's time for this to go because the bristles are worn down three every three months four times a year i got you know what i probably out of like cognizance like it's time for this to go because the bristles are on my third toothbrush this year so i'm a little behind because of like you know these bristles are worn out uh i just

know yeah that's crazy i'm i'm probably two months into my third tooth i actually might be right now no i'm behind but you don't even have to worry about it. I would never. I would never. But Quip takes it all out of your hands, delivers it for you. Right now for $25, you can get yourself a Quip toothbrush and your first refills for free. Go to getquip.com slash KFC. That's G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash KFC. What's up, boys? Super producer BC. So I've been talking to this girl I started talking to over the summer,

basically going out every weekend, and I'm too much of a bitch. Unlike John, I don't like to tell my feelings. So I've kind of been leading her on a little bit. And, you know, it's a couple of texts back and forth now. It's been about six months, but I'm too much of a bitch to end it. But I'm curious, do you think she's going around telling people that we're dating? Like the couple of texts that I'll get during the day are like, hey, are you alive? Just check it in, making sure you're still breathing. Like, it's kind of like, like we're dating, but we're not.

Let me know if you think she's going around telling people that we're dating. How long has he been with her? Play it again from the beginning? I want to hear the beginning of these girls. What's up, boys? Superproducer BC. I've been talking to this girl. I started talking to her over the summer.

We're basically going out every weekend. I mean, if you're going out every weekend for an extended period of time, there could be some assumptions that you're more than you are. It depends on how frequent, if there's texting going on in between the weekends. That's an important one. texting between weekends in the modern era dating is is not defined by face to face anymore it's like how much you interact yeah like if it's like we text every day it's like oh you're dating bro like this girl absolutely has expectations it used to be like you know i see her you know i feel like it used to be like do you you know do you

see her on weekdays like on work nights so you're seeing her you're dating you know if it's a weekend thing it's just like well yeah whenever he's out you just must the fuck and then you know you're during the week you see each other but it was still just about frequency of seeing now it's like well we follow each other here we dm here we text every day we facetime at night it's like oh you're ah it's crazy you never even you you probably you probably don't see someone when you're dating them you know what i mean it's like the less frequently you're seeing someone the more serious it means because it's like well i already you know like we had sex over the phone we've had we've talked so much yeah we don't even need to see each other we get in the same room and we'd

have nothing yeah so that's why it gets so fucked up now because this girl might be like yeah i mean i don't know we talk all the time and you don't text me back that's why i'm worried are you dead okay no i just i just haven't texted you in like 30 minutes. Go off on a little tangent there, by the way. Yeah, sure. About texting and then you don't have anything to say. My dad will do that. Where, like, he got to New York and called me to tell me about his drive and stuff.

And I was like, dude, we're. Tell you about his drive like he like you came out with my uncle and my cousin and they were like yeah i was just talking about yeah yeah the drive down the conversations they had and i was like bro i'm meeting you for drinks yeah you came here to see me what are we gonna talk about now that is true we're out of stuff especially with dads and like sons it's like we have a finite level of shit to talk about man do not waste it now or dinner's gonna be awkward as i hate i that's why i don't like texting at any rate like just save it for when we see each other yeah but then when but then when you're interacting you're

like oh let's just drink in peace bro yeah well that's that's different yeah yeah you're right all right don't talk to john don't text him don't speak to him just be i'm trying to work on it i really trying i'm trying to work on trying to work on it i'm trying to work on a lot and we got we got to turn you from like a gossip girl to like fucking i don't know some opposite of a bitchy materialistic girl i was hoping for a better tv reference there i got nothing i got nothing a summer heights high girl sure sure let's get in you know what i'm trying to turn you into arena okay i'm gonna turn you into a rainer and ashley from uh girls gotta eat they're up next uh i mean we we dump we jump right into jeffrey epstein out of nowhere i mean that one blindsided me like a fucking commuter rail. I was like, boom, we're doing pedophilia, murder, suicide.

Let's go. Things go off the rails with Girls Gotta Eat. Brought to you by Lightstream. Holidays are approaching. You're probably broke. You need some extra cash. You gotta be able to buy gifts for people. You gotta be able to travel.

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An officer is subject to change without notice. Visit lightstream.com slash KFC for more information. Girls got to eat. What's up? I got a big mouth. It's only for candy. I like the big ones you can bite in half of them. Reina see me eat.

We're talking about Dixon. No. The first time Reina saw me eat string cheese, she was like, you're a sociopath. I just bite into it, too. She goes down into it. Yeah, it's too much. I like to mix it up. I'll do a bite, then I'll string it.

She's like, you're a monster. To me, it's just like, let's go. I'm also going to have like four of them in the sitting. Right. You know how long it takes to strip like four full sticks? It's the experience. It's part of the experience. It's way too long of an experience.

I love it. Girls got to eat her back. Oh, that's right. We like just come in hot. Yeah, we just go. You guys have been on the road for a while. Yeah, this is it. This is the show.

At least we announce you. We usually don't even announce people. We go back and forth. Oh, really? What we do is we just start running, and we trick you into saying something bad. Then we're like, I got you, bitch. You don't have to work that hard. Yeah, that's true.

It's just a constant stream of inappropriate bullshit. You don't even need those. Yeah, we're good. I don't use them either. They're just on the table just in case. For the aesthetic. To legitimize you guys. Yes, because Lord knows nothing else does.

Do some people like to wear them? They feel like they're like a rapper. I don't think we've had too many people put them on. We use them because we do voicemails later in the episode when it's just us. But I don't think we've ever had like... We tell people you don't have to mess up your hair. Be brave if you want to wear them. No, I don't want to.

I don't like them. They mess my hair up. That's exactly what we say. You're so disgusting. You're like, I don't want to. I have to take off my earrings. It's a whole thing. I'm going to fight you guys.

It's the only time the earrings come off. You guys have been on the road for like a year straight. We have our 50th show coming up next week in a year, which is awesome. We started September 12th. 50th show next week. That's crazy. Celebrate it in St. Louis like you do. Missouri. Let's rage. Shout out it in St. Louis like you do. Missouri.

Let's rage. I went to St. Louis, Missouri for the first time last year. And I'm going to tell you, make sure you get everything before 9 p.m. Oh, it's like that. Not the fact that it's dangerous. I guess they tell me it is. But I was roaming the streets sending out tweets being like, can someone tell me where to find a tin?

And everyone's like, no, convenience stores, everything shuts down. We're spoiled like that around here. We had a girl at our show in Atlanta, obviously, that makes sense, that fucked Nelly. She brought us – so people come up on stage and we – That makes sense. Right. It's a black guy thing.

You get it. We almost kicked her off the stage. Almost kicked her off until that happened. Yeah, we read people's sex lists of everybody they've slept with and she didn't even lead with that like we're reading it and we're like nelly she said um she's had his first and last name so i was like i don't know who that is that's very funny i wouldn't know that either number one like rick from elementary school? Nellie's security guard. He got one? No, she fucked him too. She fucked another one of the people there.

She fucked two people in the doctor's office. That's how you get to Nellie. It's like, all right, I'll fuck you too. And then it's like, Nellie, she's allowed in because she fucked me. It's like, okay. That's wild. Yeah. Yeah.

I would probably, I mean, did the crowd go like bananas for that, by the way? We always catch her off the stage. I ask people to come up only if you have detailed information. And people have brought up Excel spreadsheets, PowerPoint presentations. And this girl just had a list of names. It was like John, Jack, Chris, Joe, Nelly. I was just like, bitch, get off the stage. And she's like, no, I fucked Nelly, the rapper.

We were like, you can stay. Here's some like, it's your show now. Did he keep his Band-Aid on? I've got a lot of questions about that. he's up there by the way is that the most like impressive one you've got there was a girl fuck there was a whole nba a lot of athletes yeah yeah and it's always like i mean i guess this isn't that weird but it always is like little white girls you know it's i mean not that i don't they're just not rare but even like i think you'd look at me and be like oh she could take a day she can she fucks black like athletes or whatever i mean i have but like she just had like i mean don't get me wrong you'd be right with that

assumption right but i'm putting out those vibes but she wore i swear she was probably wearing like lily pulitzer and she's like i fuck nelly we're like what yeah i i wasn't picturing that when you said atlanta and fuck ne like, oh, it makes sense. I was not thinking that. And also Nelly's not an Atlanta rapper. You know, like I feel like if it would have been ludicrous, people would have gone crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

He's an SDL guy. Right. Yeah. You're using enemy territory. We're big into the rap game. We're big into the Southeast versus Missouri rap game battle. Beef. You can only come on stage versus Missouri rap game. Battle. Beef. You can only come on stage from now on

if you've fucked an athlete. I was gonna say, you gotta keep raising the stakes. We don't care about your regular ex-boyfriend. Have you fucked Jeffrey Epstein? Can I also, by the way... We don't have any kids at our shows, actually. It's funny because he's a rapist. It's funny because he's a pedophile rapist.

Yikes. I was like, how am I going to contribute to this? I got it. I set her up. I set her up for it. Thanks for that lamp. I can't believe that this is the thing that's taking over because everybody agrees. What?

Everybody knows he didn't kill himself. Oh, yeah. The memes are so fucking funny, and I saw this one for the first time every day, and I laughed for a whole fortnight. Oh, man. That's a little Jeffrey Epstein, Casey Anthony mashup there for you. That's tough. There's layers to that one. There's levels to that shit.

It's a thinker. Wow, I'm going to be deep in this. Do you guys think he's alive in a cave somewhere? Oh, no. He's dead, dead. He just didn't kill himself. He just didn't get it. His brother-in-law was the one who just, he had another autopsy performed.

And that autopsy. Yeah, there's conflicting autopsies. That coroner was like, yeah, uh, autopsist. There's, yeah, there's conflicting autopsies. That coroner was like, yeah, no, this is a homicide. Yeah.

But like, how was he killed? From the Clintons? Oh yeah, no, listen, it's exactly what everybody thinks.

Bill Clinton had that dude killed. Bill Clinton was fucking little kids alongside him and was like, we gotta kill this guy before he talks.

It's everybody though, right? Yeah, it's like, the list runs deep. The, uh, I think he, I think he technically hung himself. Do you everybody, though, right? Yeah, it's like the list runs deep. I think he technically hung himself. Do you think a guard did it?

Is that what the thing is? A guard did it? His roommate, who was the one who had just been moved out, was like the Hulk. Yeah. Like, why didn't you just have that guy kill him? He could have just squashed his head like the mountain, and it would have been like, oh, like a little prison violence. I'm not doing the government's dirty work

I'm not gonna go well I don't know if you're in prison you probably want to kill a guy like that get a little frustration out no he he fucked with

like that was the all the rich people of the world coming together being like alright well listen politics aside like countries aside

let's kill this guy they went to like Ruth Chris together they were like who's gonna kill him some shady like cloak and dagger shit. Everyone knew. It was like

the worst kept secret. I guess I get what they give like the spacey stuff where it's like people like it's just Hollywood who knew like the world and the Hollywood was just like all trying to protect their own but like the world. Yeah, but it was the same thing because those guys were like, well, I can't say shit because I was doing it too. Well, no,

I mean like just like – Regular-ass people. Boat captains in the Virgin Islands. Yeah. Like they told my dad. My dad's like, I never put it together. Yeah. We were in St. Barts and we were on a –

You knew. Yeah, your complicitness. And we were like – we were going by an island and we were like, what the fuck is that house? Oh, you saw the house. And the boat captain was like, that's an American pedophile. And we were like, oh. That sounds like a great movie. We were like, weird. house and the boat captain was like that's an American pedophile and we're like oh that sounds like a great movie really weird they kind of just ended the conversation there and then when I mean I don't think I'd follow up on that

no nobody stopped it that is friend of the version she's like yeah like we've all known and it's like affected our community for a long time. I'm like, Jesus Christ. I don't know what was that. Things just used to be so different. I just still can't believe, when I was watching the R. Kelly stuff, that everybody just made jokes. When he pissed on that little girl, everyone was like, let's do an SNL sketch about it. It was just content for comedy.

Not even just comedy. Interview shows. The one with him and Aaliyah are on. Oh, that was crazy. I think it's with Maverick Todd. It's on BET. They were joking around, like, just like, hey, she's a little young, huh? And he was like, ah, you know, we don't talk about that.

And she was just like, yeah, we don't talk about that. It was crazy. Jerry Seinfeld dated a 17-year-old, right? Oh, yeah, he skates. I mean, nobody ever talks about that. I think it's coming, though. I think that's coming. I feel like that's been bubbling a little bit. Yeah? Jerry Seinfeld, like that girl that he dated for four years, she was he skates. I mean, nobody ever talks about that. I think it's coming, though. I think that's coming. I feel like that's been bubbling a little bit.

Yeah? Jerry Seinfeld, like, that girl that he dated for four years, she was 17 years old. He was 38. Yeah. Yep. And, like, I've seen a few, like, tweets and jokes. And, like, that's how it starts. Next thing you know, there's a movement for you, and you're fucked.

Rob Lowe. You guys really have it hard, you white men. I mean. We both. Yeah. Wait, did you say Rob Lowe? Yeah. What did he do? Rob Lowe is a sex ape with a 16-year-old. I mean, well, it's good. Yeah. Wait, did you say Rob Lowe? Yeah. Rob Lowe has a sex tape with a 16-year-old.

I just watched his Christmas movie on Netflix. I think Rob Lowe's, like, out in front. Rob Lowe just talks about it. Yeah. He's just like, yeah, I did it. He's like, yeah, I had a sex tape. I mean, I guess if you look it up, like, the age of consent, all these people were above the age of consent.

It's just kind of crazy. 16 is the age of consent? 16, yeah, it's wild, but it's like, yeah, if you look up the age of consent in most states, because we did it. Alabama is like 12. No, Alabama is one of

the older ones. Massachusetts is 16. Wait, you did it at Barstool, like at a company meeting? You went, oh, yeah. What the age of

consent was? Dave was like, who fucked a 15-year-old? Let's get ahead of it. Oh, you did? Okay, you're now originally from Missouri. Let's work there of it. Oh, you did? Okay, you're now originally from Missouri.

Let's work there. I thought it was just 18 across the board. I think there are like three states where it's 18. Most, it's 17 or 16. Wow, you did some research. I did. Ashley and I like to be young, but we usually stop at like 23. I did this thing yesterday, and it was this scavenger hunt thing for my friend's birthday.

I wouldn't do something that corny normally. And then we were at the end of the—no, it was this like scavenger hunt thing for my friend's birthday i wouldn't do something that corny but normally but um and then we were like at the end of the no it was fun we got to like explore new york like a fucking tourist so we were like at the end and this guy came in and it was like all these people from the it's like a theater like an improv theater that puts this on and then this guy this like kid came in and he was like kind of cleaning up stuff and i was like oh are you single like kidding i just just forget that people don't know that I'm always trying to make jokes. And he was like, I'm 18. And I was like, a little old for me. Like his boss was there, you know.

This girl can't do the tour anymore. Well, she did it to herself with the gangbang joke too. Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a couple guys. What was it, like two plumbers came by? Two, like, electricians, yeah. They were waiting in the lobby, and she turns to them and goes,

are you guys here for the gangbang? No one laughed. No one laughed. And then I had to be like, well, follow me, guys. And the joke was like, we walk in, they start fucking me, because they're like, well, you said it. That's consent. That's consent.

Don't you hate when you do that? Did I tell you guys last time about when I made a Coke joke at the doctor? Oh, jeez. I was the gynecologist, and she was like, your blood pressure's really high. Just take it easy this weekend. And I was like, so no Coke, huh? And she was pregnant. Just no laughs whatsoever.

I bombed in the doctor's office. So hard. What did she say? She just looked at me and turned around and walked out of the room. She did not think it was even a little bit funny that I was like, so no Coke this weekend. You can't make jokes anymore. I'm like, but I'm serious. You can't do it.

I mean, we learned that as white men first. Since coming for you girls next. I don't know. I feel like I've been doubling down. Yeah, well, that's the way you should be. Like, I'm just mad at everybody for being offended. I mean... I don't know. We have a little... I'm scared. Yeah. You're scared. You guys

should be. Yeah, I'm like... We're still okay. I can deal with that. I'm well-vers versed if i can make other jokes well then you know what the thing is too we're not like comedians who like like like appreciate the craft and the art and we've given our life to it we need to like stand up for it we're like i don't know man we're just fucking like yeah that's i mean i would feel very different if it's like i wrote jokes and went on the road and did open mics and late night sets for like 20 years and now somebody on the internet and like their loud voices are like coming for that.

It's just like, this is not my fight is basically where I'm at. You know what I mean? I do think comedy just blurred the line for me. Like what's sometimes I forget that I'm in public and not on a stage. Right. Like when I start like hitting on a totally random stranger and then I yelled out in the middle of one of our shows the other day that I was going to fuck the bouncer at this comedy club. And then you did though. Yeah.

Raina's been trying to fuck the help for a year now. In my defense, he's six before and I had to. You have to at that point. I had to. I'm just putting out there into the world, you know. But sometimes I just forget that like, you know, I'm at a family function and I can't say suck a dick. That I've actually slowly – my family does that now. We won't go suck a dick, but we've gotten inappropriate.

Whereas my upbringing, it was like we're pretty prim and proper. Oh, so it's changed. And I've slowly just infiltrated. Broken down their boundaries. I started saying ass in high school. And then it was like, we'll do bitch and shit. And then like, now we're like, fuck that shit, that bitch. Like we're just screaming, not my, you cocksucker.

And now our dinners are just wars. It's just like someone get the chair, beat mom to death with it. My family friends have like asked to come to our shows, and I've said no. Really? You're afraid those are your friends? Do you guys have friends at your shows? No, no, I'm not. Our parents come to our shows, and I've said no. Really? You're afraid to do that? You guys like friends at your shows? No, no, I'm not. Our parents come to our shows?

Oh, yeah. Our families are really cool. It's crazy that you say the cursing thing. My dad, nobody says fuck more than my dad. Nobody. And I never heard it as a kid. I don't know how he just- Censored it out?

He stopped being polite. He never even slipped. I thought the F word was faggot for years. It is. It is. even slipped. I thought the F word was faggot for years. I didn't know. I thought that was the F word until third grade or fourth grade. My parents never slipped up. I swear, as soon as I got back from college,

I was like, oh, wow, you say fuck a lot. This is your brand. Think about how long he was censoring it. He probably was like, fuck, I'm going to say fuck now. This is great. No, I can't. I'm not like... I guess I'm worried about offending them. I'm just like, I know

I won't do my usual self. My dad came to one and he snuck in because I don't want them to know. If I knew he was there, I would be thinking about things. And if you can see him, it's worse. When our friends and family come, we put them not in the back, but in the dark.

I don't want to look at them in the face. Yeah, I prefer them to not be there. But I feel like I, so we did a show in Pittsburgh where I grew up and a lot of my parents' friends wanted to come, like lifelong, like aunts and uncles of mine. Right, I got that too. I don't want to do any of that. I had to brief them. I was like, I say ball sack full of cum on stage a lot.

So like, if you're okay with that, come. But see, that's the thing. Like they're, to me, they're okay with it. I'm not okay with it. So you can't're okay with that, cut. But see, that's the thing. Like there, to me, they're okay with it. I'm not okay with it. So you can't feel like it stifles you.

Yeah. It's like everything in my life. It's a selfish reason. Yeah. Pretty much. I was dating somebody who came to one of our shows in Denver. That really threw me. Oh,

that for sure. Yeah. For sure. Not that would never, that would never. So you were on stage talking about like fucking other people. I assume. So it was a brand new relationship.

And Ashley and I talk about ahead of time what we're going to talk about. And I was talking about other dudes a lot. And I said to him before the show, I wrote a lot of this material a long time ago before I met you. Last week. Yeah. That's a long time ago in my span of life. And I was like, if you're not comfortable with this, you shouldn't come. Don't come, yeah. Because we're not going to change our act. No I was like, if you're not comfortable with this, you shouldn't come.

We're not going to change our act. And we're not even together anymore. Imagine if I just didn't do that stuff. He liked it. And then he brought a friend. I fucked his friend. They liked it. Did you? Wait, actually, also, two things here. One, you guys were on your way to Denver last time you were here.

Yeah, last time we saw you guys. Because she met him at a show in San Francisco through, like, the Bumble thing. I don't know if we told the full story in here, but, like, we were live bumbling for somebody on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he came up, and then Raina started dating him. We dated him for three months, yeah. And then I started dating his friend, and then we're, like, dating these, like, young Denver guys, and they were, like, going to come visit, and then Raina broke up with her guy. And you just had to break up with him.

Yes! Yes! Literally the day. That could have been, like, the man of your dreams. Like, well, fuck it. You're done, too, dude. and they were like gonna come visit and then Reina broke up with her guy and you just had to break up with him yes literally that could have been like the man of your dreams like well fuck it you're done too dude sorry they were gonna come

visit together and then Reina broke up with her dude the day my guy booked a flight I'm like this is awkward I was like I'm not saying you have to break up

with him but you have to break up with him you really have to you were cool about it it just felt like if he was gonna come without his friend

it felt more serious. And also, I just moved into a new place, and I feel like he wasn't worthy of the new apartment. I was like, that's not who I want to christen the apartment. You're not christening this place. Yeah, I feel like you're not. You could have, the old place, come all over those walls. I feel like this is fancy. We got all West Elm in here.

You're not. But I feel like agreeing to go to your girlfriend's or boyfriend's show where they're gonna talk about fucking other people is almost like agreeing to a threesome where you're like I'm comfortable with it this is cool

and then time comes and then you get in the middle of that yeah it's one thing to say you're okay with it I wish this other dick wasn't in the room right now

it's another thing to hear a ball sack fall to come when it's not your ball sack fall to come I agree though but a new relationship is different

I also don't know that I would want to hear about like deeper emotional issues I'm mostly just on stage roasting dudes I've slept with like it's not like like I was also don't know that I would want to hear about deeper emotional issues. I'm mostly just on stage roasting dudes I've slept with. It's not like I was talking about this neighbor that I slept with. I mean, he can't possibly be threatened by that. Mark the Australian?

Mark the Australian! I was waiting for an update. Are you categorizing? Okay, Mark. I have not slept with Mark since I did the show. I don't think he lives there. He doesn't ever wear shoes. She's never seen his place. I think he's homeless.

He's fucking a homeless guy. He's just like wandering the apartment building. You've never seen his apartment and he's never worn his shoes? We only fuck at my place. But he comes down barefoot. He's up on the roof with a guitar. I've never seen him. That guy doesn't have a home. I've never seen him outside of the building. He shows up to your apartment door

with no shoes on. And you fuck him. The bar is low, you guys. There is no bar. There is no bar. The bar is broken. Guys, he's Australian and he makes money, okay?

That's it. Does he? Because he doesn't have shoes. Does he make money? I don't know. I really don't know. I think he's a lawyer. Doesn't he live in like a studio?

Studio shaming. Who are you fucking? Okay. That's fair. Mark is hot, okay? And I haven't fucked Mark since the show. I know I'm you fucking? Okay. That's fair. Mark is hot. Okay. And I haven't fucked Mark since the show. I don't want to be defending myself.

Okay. I ran into a guy on my roof and I fucked him a few times. Okay. It's great for content. And then I went to Charleston and I fucked the bouncer. Okay. Do you guys have male groupies? No.

No. That's what I call my ex-boyfriends. Yeah. Well, okay. That's not fair. I, okay. Like if you go to a show, like, after the show, is it like, all right. Not that many single guys come to our shows, but, like, I always am just, like, jokingly,

like, oh, like, guys don't try to date us. But I do get a lot of guys in my DMs, but they're just guys that, like, are so unattractive or they're, like, maybe. But they're trying to fuck. Yeah. So we do have. So you do have them. You just don't. Guys. You just don't like them. Yeah, we just don't like them. unattractive or they're like maybe they're trying to fuck yeah so we do have so you do have you just

don't guys you just don't like them yeah we just don't like them that i i think dating like one of you two girls would be the most terrifying thing why history okay can you analyze i would never i would never date me i would never date you there was a girl who i was like talking like not like not talking to you but i was like trying to get to the stage of talking to like texting with and she's just a person on the street. Yeah, yeah. She had shoes though. It was a friend of a friend. She's just a human. I didn't know her at all.

She was wearing tennis shoes. It was a friend of a friend who like put us in touch. We'd met like once or twice and she's like, you guys would like hit it off. So we're like having like texting and then I kind of,

that stage of the getting to know each other. And then I saw on her Instagram, she had like, she has like her own blog and like a small like personal blog essentially. But the whole thing was like instagram she had like she has like her own blog and like a small like personal blog essentially but the whole thing was like she's like and here's the story about my ex-boyfriend and i just kind of gave like a quick swipe up and i just saw him

getting destroyed oh wow not even like sexually sexually i'm fine getting destroyed i'm used to facts are facts but like emotionally and like just like what a bad person he is and i was like oh boy this like this guy's a nobody and this seems awful that's kind of a lot even for us though we don't do that we don't do that you know that's a lot

I think I could get you to yeah that's fair it's more about him than it is about her maybe you spend two weeks with me you'll start emotionally

okay we'll try it we'll see how it goes we're gonna do a challenge here guys I think as a rule we actually try to give no identifying details and say anything that can get you like you fired or ruin your life in a terrible way. I also think that we take a little bit of space between when something happens and when we record.

Give us the time. So we're not mad and all fired up. I'm not going to talk about somebody's sexual performance if it's bad. I mean, if you have a huge dick, I'll talk about that. Yeah. Because I feel like guys like that. Right? I don't think anyone's going to be upset about it now.

I don't think anyone's going to be mad. Yeah, you wouldn't get an angry email from me about that. Thank you for validating that. But I get it. I understand that if people – if, for example, I were to date somebody and then everybody knew we dated and then I'm talking about this guy in the podcast. They know it's him. And the thing that I think that guys get worried about is we're talking about something that happened in the bedroom and then his his co-workers know stuff that he says in the bedroom. Like it's just – that was these guys in Denver.

It was just weird. Like their co-workers were listening and they were fans and we're like that's going to get weird. Yeah. I mean it just is. It's not like I'm going to sugarcoat it and be like, well, no, because it could be anybody. It's like logically speaking, yeah, it's going to be like that and that's just kind of like my baggage. Right. I guess like that is, we do that too.

And it's like, but like, I guess you're the same way as us where it's like, it's a total of a funny spin. Like it's not like actually angry about anything. Right. But some people will get mad. Whereas like this blog post I'm referring to was like. Was brutal. Yeah.

I also think it is different if, if, if I think it's funnier when you guys do it than if a guy's like, well, it's fucking this chick and fucking that chick and this happened and that happened. You come across douchey. Whereas you guys are just sluts. It's fine. Yeah. I wish I was a slut. I could be a lot sluttier.

But it's a lot easier to laugh at. Yeah. I think that we at least try to take it positive. Look, there's a lot of people in the world that are going to be like, I don't want even a word about my life or my sex life to be out there. And you're not going to date me. That person is never going to be able to date me. And that's a bummer. But, but like it is what it is. No, it's a good way to weed them out.

Yeah. It kind of really is. It's just like let's just be honest about it now. The other thing too is I think people think that they can and then it's like the threesome. It's like, well, I said I could, but now you're right. My coworker figured it out and my grandma figured it out. And like things you don't think through, it's a big yeah threesomes never as good as you think they're gonna be or even a little good i know i totally agree i just did not i mean all like nine of mine were

terrible yeah i mean i've never had one yeah do girls just like throw themselves at you guys because the barstool do you get like a lot of just like no because everybody's shaking their head nope everybody in the room agreed actually the exact opposite like as i was saying to you guys like do you have like male groupies at a show like and like we have our own shows and it's not like that at all no not even a little bit mostly guys with their girlfriend came you guys are just it's similar it's like yeah i could fuck any girl in our audience that's what i said if i was gay like clean up like nikki minaj has a song like about the girls fangirling her the most. It's just kind of – yeah. I could probably break you and your boyfriend up if I wanted to fuck you.

I really do think I would crush it as a lesbian. I'm like really – Why? Because women think I'm more attractive than men. Like I have so many women that are just like you're so beautiful. And the guys are like, no, thanks. Like I just think I would clean that. What about doggy?

Put it on that pillow there. Thanks. Thanks, guys. This has been great on a Monday. No, I just – I think I would really kill it. Yeah, no, I have long said if we were gay, four, get it. I mean it would be – I'm just picturing it. I don't know if I buy this.

I feel like you guys – I feel like girls see you guys and they're like, challenge accepted. You know? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I think girls are like – Do you know what I mean? I think girls are like –

I'm going to fix you, boy. Yes, yes. No, you're not. You're a fixer-upper. No, you are not. I think girls are going to be like, they treat everybody like shit, I can tell, but I'm going to be the one. Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? I'm going to be the one. I don't think – Treat everybody like shit. I think they think we're emotionally disturbed. That's why they want to fix us. Not because we treat people like shit. Yeah, but emotionally disturbed – Yeah, I don't think, I think they think we're emotionally disturbed and that's what I want to fix. It's not because

we treat people like shit. Yeah, but emotionally disturbed men do treat you like shit whether they mean to or not. You know? Okay, I'll sign up for that. I will cop to that. Okay, you got me.

I treat people like shit. That took one second. It's different than being like a frat bros, like fuck chicks, man, okay. It's more like I just do not have emotional capacity to be a human being. That sounds great.

Yeah, you sound great. We had a comedian on with Andrew Schultz on our show and he was talking about not wanting to be emotionally responsible for someone. I'm like, that's the language. I don't want to deal with someone's shit. Yep. I don't want you to come home from work and you're complaining and I have to take on your dumb

shit. I got too much of my own shit. No, I'm actually really good at that. Oh, you are? Because I'm a great listener because I'm an awful hearer. Because you're not actually listening? I'm a great listener but an awful hearer? This is the bullshit that girls are like, shut the fuck up.

Shut up with that stupid shit that you don't want me to fix anything you just want to get it out that's fair i can actually like i'll just sit there i'm like yeah yeah like when you suck like when you're venting about work and you don't want someone to be like well actually you were kind of in the wrong there that's totally this guy's great okay you're that guy i'm not yeah i'm not hearing you so i'm a great listener right you should date she doesn't need anything you You want to give nothing. I'll do doggy style. It's fine.

The most desolate relationship in the world. Not a single emotion exchange. No help offered. Everyone's like, what's the opposite of a power couple? Look at this dumpster dwelling duo over here. I was actually watching The New Girl the other day, and a fantastic show. That's shocking.

And I love that show. And Schmidt was yelling at Nick about how he's a communication bottom. And he's like, you've got to be the communication top, because you won't initiate anything. You won't take anything. You're just a communication bottom and you need to be with a communication top. And I'm like, I need a communication top because I'm definitely a bottom.

Is that your date? I'm definitely a bottom. You're dating at bio? Kevin is a communication top. That's how you guys work. In this, yes. Yes, we are good for each other. Yeah, we should just start dating.

Just fucking cut to the chase. When was the last time you guys had serious girlfriends? Right now. Oh, you are in a relationship with somebody. How long have you guys been dating? This just got awkward. Ashley can be your throuple. No one wants a threesome.

Like a year. Oh, okay. Well, it's been a little longer than that. We do this all the time. How long has she thought she was your girlfriend? Everyone asks that, and her answer is a year. So I've just started giving her answer. I like when guys say, like a year.

Okay, I have to tell you guys this also. We were in Pittsburgh, and we opened the shows, and we kind of like roast the couples and do some crowd work. And we asked this couple how long they've been together and the guy goes zero years which we're like that's probably accurate it's like 11 months and he's like zero years we're like that guy's a fucking asshole that's funny though

what a genius what did you say to him the line was so good it just came out of your body you found a way to like lie without lying you made up something that was a. I can't remember. You were like, you found a way to like, circumvent the system. Like lie without lying. Yeah. Like you made up something that was a lie that was,

I don't fucking remember. Yeah, no, but I mean, it's like, that should be the barometer by the way. Yeah. Like you dated him for three months.

No, you didn't. What do you mean? Like dating was like, he wasn't my boyfriend. Right, right. Do you know what I mean? Well, yeah, I mean,

there's always the semantics thing. Like what is dating and what is what? But like, I feel like anything less than a year is like shut the fuck up. I think if I'm talking to's always the semantics thing. Like, what is dating and what is what? But, like, I feel like anything less than a year is, like, shut the fuck up. I think if I'm talking to you on a regular basis every single day, we're making trips to go see each other, like, I'm dating you. But, like, he said to me, like, what are we?

And I was like, you're welcome to sleep with other people. I'm not going to tell you to not do that. Like, I don't live there. So, like, that wasn't my boyfriend. So is live in the – No, I mean – She's talking about the guy in Denver. Yeah, I think you're talking about the guy in Denver. Yeah, I think you have

an, you know, you can have a conversation that you're going to be exclusive with somebody and that's when that's your boyfriend. Right. But I was very clear,

like, you're welcome to date other people. We are not having that conversation. Well, honestly, I didn't see him as a long-term partner, so, like, it would have

been a different conversation, I think, that, like... So why do you, like, okay, so that's the craziest part to me there. What? If you don't see them as a long-term partner,

why are you talking every day? I think the three months, yeah. Yeah, but, so that's the craziest part to me there. What? If you don't see them as a long-term partner, why are you talking every day? I think the three months. Yeah. Yeah, but like you don't have to talk. For the orgasms? You just show up to Denver. No, Raina loves attention. Fuck you. She'll talk to somebody like all day every day.

No. Yeah. I text KFC for no reason at all. Do you really? Buzz, buzz, it's me. That's why Kevin's communication is not. And I write back. Because Kevin texts with everybody in the world. It's amazing. I thought I was special. People in the office. No, it's me. That's why Kevin's communication is out. And I write back. Because Kevin texts with everybody in the world.

It's amazing. I thought I was stuck. People in the office. I'll talk to an intern who I've never even met. And they'll be like, yeah, so I've been texting with Kevin for about six weeks now. I'm like, what are you talking about? John doesn't even text me back. So John's like the anti-texter.

We really are the yin to the yang, man. We really are. It's a perfect fit. I'm sitting there like he's not even going to fucking, he's not even seen these until 11 because he's still asleep. Fuck, he's not even going to text back. That's definitely true. I will spend 12 hours with Ashley.

I'll spend five days with Ashley. I will walk up the door and there will be a text between one of us in 30 seconds. What do you have to say? I don't know. We're a good couple. I'm like, what could she possibly have to say to me? And I'll open the text and I'll be like, that's fine. Yeah, that was a good text.

I needed to hear that. We like have content for days. Yeah, that was a good text. I didn't hear that. We, like, have content for days. Like, we talk shit about everything. You know, we run this business together. A lot of it's just, like, talking shit. Yeah, we hate all the same stuff. We hate all the same things and the same people. You know what? That's what it comes down to. You gotta get this hate off. You gotta get it

out of you. You don't hate enough, John. He's too happy and just lets things go. Oh, yeah, that's my huge issue. Not happy. You're't hate enough, John. He's too happy and just lets things go. Not happy. You're deeply depressed, but you let things slide. And I'm just like, well, I have to text somebody about this. My inability to have passion. It's not happiness.

Sexual passion? Passion. What do you mean? I want to hear about this. Like you don't show your emotions? You don't have them. Like at a concert, you're not excited? No, you actually don't get your emotions? I don't have emotions to show. You don't have them. At a concert, you're not excited? No, you actually don't get excited at a concert. I can get fun at a concert.

About communicative topics, I really don't have a take. Is this an issue in your relationship? No, it's not an issue in the relationship. It's actually pretty good. She's either the most understanding person ever or she's going to murder him with an axe one day. It's one or the other. Well, what did you something the other day where she said, like, it's just so fucking hard to be with you or something like that.

This is like utterly ridiculous. Like she said something on the phone and he was kind of like, well, I don't know. Eventually we're all going to die or something like that. And she's just like, I can't even talk to you anymore. Yeah, she was doing like a venting thing and I let it go for a while. And I was like, look, at the end of the day, we're just going to die, so who fucking cares? Jesus Christ. I don't know.

I feel like I'd be like, he's right. Men are always right. You need to hear that some. Wow, you guys should really be together. That was clearly a joke. It is like a very refreshing thing to hear. When you realize that nothing you do matters,

it's so freeing. It doesn't fucking matter. I think I've heard it from like, I've thought it forever, but I think Conan had it in a New York Times interview a while ago. Timothy Chalamet had it on Seth Meyers the other night where he's like, I learned that nothing matters. And that's really the lesson in life i'm like timothy you're only 23 and you got

it baby that's it it doesn't matter the i don't know if you guys keep up in like the loser blog world but like deadspin went under the other day and we've had like a big feud with them and they like i mean there was this like mass funeral for them because these like shitty sports bloggers are no longer getting their opinions off you know and it was this like mass funeral for them because these like shitty sports bloggers are no longer getting their opinions off, you know? And it was just like you don't matter and we don't matter and they don't. And if we get canceled and it disappears, the world keeps on fucking spinning and none of this matters. I mean we do matter just for the record. But like I get what you're saying.

What would happen if Girls Got Eats just disappeared? I don't know. I worry about the world. It would be upsetting. I Eat just disappeared? I don't know. I worry about the world. It would be upsetting. I think people just say we changed our lives. Well, after fucking 50 shows in like 49 weeks, you guys might be right. We've really, I think, strengthened a lot of relationships but more important, ended a lot of relationships.

Yeah. So you take more pride in those than the scalps? I take pride in encouraging any person to live a life that they are excited to live. And if you're with a person and you're like, this sucks, then I'm excited

to have encouraged them to end it. Yeah, I'm big time on that. We do, yeah, we get a lot of messages about breakups. I think it's crazy how many people,

because I did this for myself for so long for so many people, like, you're not happy and you're just doing it anyway. That makes no sense. Because I think it's scary to be like, out there in the world, all your friends are married with kids and you're like, I don't know, I'm. That makes no sense. Because I think it's scary to be like out there in the world.

All your friends are married with kids and you're like, I don't know. I'm going to be fucking single. Not in New York. It's great. Like you could live in a maze, but like, I don't know. You're in Montana. What are you going to do with your life? I don't know.

I think it's scary. Yeah. Yeah. Those people should stay together. You're in Montana miserable. Well, of course. That's just because you're in Montana. You found somebody.

Hold on to them. I'm completely incapable of like seeing things from that way until someone actually says it. I'm like, you're right. Because it never made sense to me why people felt they had to get married because I've only lived in cities. Right. But yeah, I guess if you're in a suburban town or fucking middle of nowhere, wherever the hell Montana is, I couldn't find it on a map. I couldn't either. Okay, good.

Yeah, I guess you'd probably be like, well, this is the last guy left in town. Right. Then you're just like single polite but even that even that though it's like that's probably better than the alternative right now it depends on how miserable you are I agree there's uh do you guys watch Succession oh yeah

there's this great line in the last episode where um Tom is talking to Shiv he says to her I can't decide if the sadness I feel with you is greater than the sadness I would feel without you and it's like couple he says to her I can't decide if the sadness I feel with you is greater than the sadness I would feel without you yeah that's huge and it's like

a beautiful moment and I was like wow like that is what everybody should ask themselves breaking up is like even if you're miserable

it's like that's still gonna suck temporarily huh temporarily it'll suck if you leave the person and like that's what you kind of

have to decide is it temporary is it not is it worth it is it not I like that I know I wrote it I wrote it down

but like you guys have cool jobs. So do we. A lot of people, they go to their job. They go to their 9-to-5. Their relationship is one of the only things that's going on. So I don't know. I guess you've got to get a hobby, get a dog, get some

horses. Got too deep. Video games are really good these days. Ashley always tells everybody to move to New York. I couldn't agree more. Yeah. Or don't come here. There's enough people here.

You guys, you love New York, right? I love New York. It changed my life moving here. But, I mean, I hate lots of things about it, clearly. It's a trash city. But, like, I tell people all the time. It's a horrible place. They're like, you convinced me to move to New York. I'm like oh i hope you're gonna be okay yeah it's not for everybody like i moved

here i had like money in the bank where you're from where i'm from delaware originally but i moved to atlanta for a long time i grew up in pittsburgh but i've lived here i moved here 12 years ago so i've been here for a minute yeah it sucks though you hate it you're right yeah yeah i mean but kevin. But Kevin was born here. You know what? I guess I... It's so weird because I always say I hate it, but I'm never going to go anywhere, so I guess I don't really hate it that much.

Okay. Because where else would you go? If I could snap my fingers and have all my friends and family be somewhere else, I would go. I would get out of here, yes. Out of the United States or just out of New York? No, no, no. I can't do foreign.

No. I was on a date with this guy the other night, and he was like, if you could live anywhere else, where would you live? I was like, New York. He was like, I know, but anywhere. I was like of New York? No, no, no. I can't do foreign. No. I was on a date with this guy the other night and he was like, if you could live anywhere else, where would you live? I was like, New York. He was like, I know, but anywhere. I was like, New York. We really went back and forth a bunch. I was like, I don't understand the West. Literally, it's New York. Would I get that? If I could have the same life

with all the same people? The only reason I'm here is because I was... Where would you go? A suburb? I'd just move everybody to Miami or something. You ever walked in a suburb? What? You ever walked in a suburb? It's insane.

Walking 17 feet in a suburb feels like you walked 100 miles. He's right though. You could walk like 50 blocks in New York. If you were to walk the equivalent of your New York City walking in just a tree-lined, grassy sidewalk, you'd be like, Oh, I've been walking for 10 miles. Right. I'm never going to stop walking. This is my life now.

Like I don't have any earth. You're Forrest Gump. You just one day you just got up and started walking. Just a traveler now. Well, you even go in like cities like it like fucks you up. But then I go back to Atlanta and like something's a mile away and I'm like, Oh, we'll walk. And they're like, no, that's three freeways. And you got to like, you can't, you know, we're getting in a car.

Yeah. You would never do it. I would. I, the only thing keeping me is just that like my entire life is here which I know sounds stupid but like

I don't want to be here now you don't live in New York right you live in New Jersey no I'm like in Westchester I'm right outside the city but I mean I was born in the Bronx I've done all sorts of spots

in Manhattan Hoboken I did now I'm in Westchester it's like you were born here so it's different it's just and I think I resent when

or I don't like when people are like, it's so great here. I'm like, no, it's fucking not. I mean – Tell me why. There's so many things wrong with this city, but like I moved here and my career blew up. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I couldn't do this anywhere else.

Yeah, comedy is kind of like you got to do it in New York. And like our podcast and the guests and like the – you know, you just kind of like get to the top of the game here. Yeah. What's just crazy with podcasting? What? It really shouldn't be, like, a city-based thing. Like, all the top podcasts, as far as I can tell, I've looked at the charts once in the last year. They're, like, it's in LA or New York.

That's where the guests are, too. People are. You know what I mean? Like, that's where it's going. So I thought about when we went to Pittsburgh. I was engaged, like, five years ago to some guy. Oh, word. I didn't know that.

I was like, yeah, I ended it. I knew that I'd, you know, end up here guy. I was like, yeah, I ended it. I knew that I'd end up here someday. I wanted to wait for you. But I thought that we were like, we'll move to Pittsburgh. Like we can get like a giant house. All my friends are there. Like we'll have kids. My parents will take care of them.

This will be great. And we started like looking. Outsource that whole thing. It ended in like two hours. We were like, what are we going to do? I'm Pittsburgh's great. I love it. Maybe I'll live there.

But like, we're like, what are we going to do there every day? Like, what are we going to do there? Yeah. What are we going to do? Pittsburgh is great. I love it. Maybe I'll live there. But we're like, what are we going to do there? Every day, what are we going to do there? What are we going to do there for work? Nothing. Listen, guys, we're all going to die. None of it matters. Thank you. Great callback.

None of it matters. Are you sick of being on the road? No, I love it. You like it? I really love it. Yeah. We've actually gotten a really good schedule down recently where we're on one tour per month, pretty much. One tour per month?

So we'll hit like- How long is the tour last? really good schedule down recently where we're like on like one tour per month pretty much so like we'll hit like like the last thing we did we did uh five shows in four cities in five days so we travel a lot when you go go out and like pack it all in we'll do like five shows and then we'll come home you know yeah so you'll fly like night do the show that night fly in the morning do yeah drive we've well like we did like we'll group places together that are easy. Like we did like Detroit, Cleveland, Columbus, Pittsburgh. We could drive between all them. Sometimes we'll fly. I mean, sometimes we'll take a night off.

We'll go to Texas in one time, Florida at one time, West Coast, San Diego, L.A., you know, that kind of stuff. We only usually like meet, date, fuck guys in the road, too. So that's been nice. Seriously. Nobody at home will touch us, so we have to find those who don't know us well yet. We better run to this fucking city. I found a guy in New York last week. He was crazy. You guys are like locusts, just eating

up all the sources and moving on. You're like the aliens in Independence Day. This planet's gone. Go on to the next one. We're more attractive in other cities. Great point. I've been doing a bit about when you guys put us on your Instagram, we did the answer to the internet

people just said like terrible mean stuff so I just had to like write a joke about it so some guy was like this girl's a two and I was like I'm on stage I'm like I just think that's so unfair because I'm only a two in LA like a four in New York an eight in Chicago and a twelve in Boston

I'm negative five in Miami but like I just had to take it or run with it on your surroundings. An 8 in Chicago and a 12 in Boston. I'm negative 5 in Miami. But I just had to take it or run with it. I'm like, the more people say mean stuff to me on the internet, I'm like,

that's a joke. Well, I mean, you're good at it though. You can take it and run with it like so many other people. I mean, I would beg

the rest of the world to do that. Yeah, but that's what's great about comedy is we're on stage, people are cheering for you. You feel very empowered to say that shit. But then, can I tell you the comedy is we're on stage, people are cheering for you. You feel very empowered to say that shit, you know?

But then, can I tell you the punchline? So I say, I looked at that guy's profile, like the guy that said that and looked at his Instagram and that's when I realized he was a five foot six man.

So he was triggered by me. There you are, yeah. Honestly, one of the answer to the internet questions is would you rather be five foot three or bald by 20, I think it is? Yeah. Gotta be bald.

Yeah, I mean, height is just like, forget it. Bald? Yeah. See, I hope we say it. Well, yeah, I mean, 5'3. I fucked a bald guy recently. We do go back and forth, though. Well, I think hair is a big part of it, but it's not like a non-starter of the way short can be.

No, God no. That's true. You can do a look with – I mean, The Rock is bald. I mean, you're not looking like The Rock. I was going to say. People are always like, Vin Diesel. It's like, yeah, well, these guys are fucking shredded. It's like, that's not the average guy.

I can't imagine a 5'3 guy. You can't be out here. 5'3 is a disaster. It's a disaster as it can come. I'd rather be 4'9. I'd rather be a circus act. You could join the circus. That's exactly what I was thinking.

Or so short, you're the life of the party. You can't own it. You're the zany short guy. You're just short. You could be at birthday parties. All your limbs are normal size. Everything's proportionate. I'm the zany short guy. You're just like short. Like the entertainment. All your limbs are normal size. Everything's proportionate. You're just shrunken down.

You're just a little man. You're right. You just look like Reina. But I'm five feet tall. No dude's ever been like I'm not going to fuck her because she's five feet tall. Nobody's mad at me for this height. Some guys probably are not attracted to it. I have never heard a guy say she's too short. I can see guys just be like, she's too little.

I don't look at her as a real person. No, it wouldn't be too little if you had too like. Like girly. Yeah, if you look like young. If I didn't have double D boobs. Yeah. If you didn't have massive tits, we would be like, you look like a little girl. Like a total freak of nature.

Proportionally. I'm an adult. Yeah you look like a little girl. You guys are like a total freak of nature. Proportionally. I'm an adult. Yeah. I have a guy friend. I mean, he's 6'5". He's a big guy. He just loves tall women. He thinks they're superior.

I don't know. No offense. He just doesn't. That's his thing. Superior? He's just like, I'm tall women, models only. He's like that type of guy. And he married a girl who looks like a model.

Yeah. But yeah. But it's just, it's really – I never understood it. My brother is 6'7", 300 pounds, and he's had some smaller girlfriends. I mean you look at Shaq and the woman. Like I don't understand how it physically works. Yeah, Shaq is – I don't get that at all.

I just don't – how does it even fit? It fits. You're the same height when you're laying down. I'm telling you. It's fine. I fuck Shaq. Listen. I basically fuck Shaq, yes yes that's a dream of mine do you think

that uh you really care or it's like taking on a life of its own or by how tall a guy is yeah i mean i think for and she can she's her own person she can answer um i just i'm attracted to men that are just like very like much larger than me everybody is larger yeah everybody i've been in a serious long-term relationship with like okay so my question everybody is larger yeah everybody i've been in a serious long-term relationship with like okay so my question is is that or is it like i don't want to show up at the party with oh that i don't care about she might but i don't care well i'm i'm 510 and i am not a heightist at all like i'm not out here like must be 60 like the guys i've dated have just been they're bigger than me but they've been 511 you know like i don't need i just want

you i want you to feel like you're bigger than me, like, broader, bigger arms, you know what I mean? But I just don't, I get annoyed when girls do that whole thing, like, must be 6'2 or above. Do you think, like, the meme has, do you think? That's what I mean, like, has it taken on a life of its own? Yeah. Like, did it become a meme and then, like, then it became real?

Do I like him or is he just tall? Like, that kind of thing? Yeah, lack, yeah, do I like him or is he just tall? Yeah, yeah, yeah lack yeah does it do i like him or is he just tall yeah yeah like like yeah like it's a difference between like 5 11 and six foot i think i think we just all are like shallow and women like height i mean we had like we had andrew shawls in our podcast again i hate to reference him but i do love him and he was like what people hate on women for getting plastic surgery and stuff if a guy could increase his height by a couple inches you think he he would 100% be doing it. That's another question we do. It's like, would you give up an inch of your dick for a couple inches of height?

And I think most people, all guys, take the height. You should take the height. Well, it depends on who you are, like how tall you are. Depends on how big your dick is. Like how many inches you have to lose. Yeah, I think the original question was like inch for inch, but I don't think that, I think it's got to be like an inch of dick for like two inches of height. Two for one, yeah.

I think we're just attracted to what we're attracted to. I think you're kind of a piece of shit if you meet a guy who's awesome and he's like 5'7", 5'8", and you like will not date that guy

because you're afraid to like walk into a party with the person. You wouldn't be embarrassed to walk into a party with that person. You probably just wouldn't seek them out in a bar.

But like, I don't... I could like throw him around. Yeah, you like, you can't date, you look disgusted when you said that. You're like, you can't date. You look disgusted when you said that. You, like, you can't date that person. And it is one of those things, too, where it's like.

Like, your face, it was like she said, like, he's a leper. You're like, ew. Like, I can't go to the party with that guy. And even if you are, like, you know what? I really, he's really awesome. But I do hate his height. But, like, I'll see if I can get by it. At one point in your life, that will end that relationship.

It might be in 20 years. It's going to fester and build and bubble. That will end that relationship it might be in 20 years but that will destroy that relationship the height that's it if you don't accept something about them that will ruin it I've seen it happen though I have a girl a friend of mine in LA and she's this like really hot chick

and she's the same height as me and she's engaged to this guy that's gotta be 5 inches shorter than her. And my experience with her, we were friends in Atlanta. She always dated like these tall, hot guys. And is he rich?

I think he has money. Yeah. Cause that's the other equalizer. Well, I think they can't get over it where it's like, all right, Tom Cruise, we'll do this.

Yeah. Nicole Kidman fucked Tom Cruise for a while as a Scientologist. Money changes. If you're already a dazzling superstar yourself and you fuck Tom Cruise, money. I just don't like, I hate height shaming, but I'm just, I'm not attracted to it.

I don't really know that five, seven guys are out here looking at me as being as attractive. You know what I mean? I wouldn't date them, but they wouldn't date me. Yeah, it's probably a mutual thing. Sometimes they don't care because they're like, well, everyone's taller than me. Like all the guys on Hinge that are 5'6", and they're like, let's do this. What's the difference?

5'10", 5'7"? You can dart to whatever will stick. I just like a big dude. I just like a man that can like really pick me up and like throw me into a wall sexually. Throw you into a wall. Sexually. Thanks for dispelling it out. We hadn't picked up on that yet

I like to get you picked up when I'm hugged I just want someone to put my head through the drywall You ever seen the fight scenes in the new Fast and Furious movies? That's what I'm looking for I'm looking for a fight club Tyler Durden, just punch me in the mouth There was a study on the Fast and Furious movies

where like they're all such A-list alpha people celebrities where they all demanded that like every fight had to be

that like you couldn't really tell who won so it would be like if you got a punch then like I had to get a punch back and then

as I thought about that when I was watching Hobbs and Shaw, and it's like, everything had to be like, one for one. So if like, a guy picks me up, I should be able to pick him up? Yeah. And it's like, you get thrown through a table, and then like, the rock will pick up, and there's another table. Boom. You get thrown

through a wall. There's another wall. It was all one for one. That's, that's, that's I believe that's toxic masculinity. Right. I believe that's the definition of that. They're going to retitle the movie. Hashtag me too, the movie. Wasn't there stuff that they couldn't be in the same scenes, Vin Diesel and The Rock? They have a big feud, right?

Are they enemies? Is that a thing? They're not even in the same movies anymore. That's why Hobbs and Shaw, the new one, happened. Because they couldn't be. So it's like now The Rock is part of the franchise. What did Vin Diesel do for that? I don't know.

Because The Rock is like the the franchise what did Vin Diesel do for that I don't know because he The Rock is like the nicest dude in the world I think it's he hated how The Rock like came in and took over

his he had more Instagram followers we were a family so he became Dom Toretto in real life this is the family I know

but I think a good amount of the cast was with him Tyrese was with him. Tyrese and Vin Diesel only win in that battle. They did win. The Rock's in a different movie now.

Do you guys have The Rock here ever? No. He hasn't come yet? I feel like he's the dream guest. He's pretty much up there. He's almost cliche up there though. I'm not going to say no, but I'm also like... Do you feel like you could actually interview him and have fun and enjoy yourself? I think he's great.

I feel like he would be great, right? Give him a shot of tequila too to start it off. Yeah, he's a cool dude. I feel like he would play along and I just want every guest we've ever had who has interacted with him, I ask to give me a bad story.

Not a bad story, but just tell me something about one time he didn't tip enough or didn't hold the door for somebody. It's nothing. I believe it. No one. I was in Chicago at this bagel shop, and I'm talking to this guy. He's this big dude from New Jersey, and his daughter was The Rock's assistant. And he couldn't say enough nice things about the guy. Like, come on.

I know. It's crazy. It's so annoying. I know. You can see it in his eyes. He's sweet. You can see it in his eyes? Yeah, I'm big on people's eyes.

Like, you know, you look in someone's eyes and like, oh, you're going to murder me. Yeah. Like, I was like into this guy in Chicago. We were talking back and forth and I like didn't want to admit it to myself. And finally we ended things. And I was like, I was a little scared of him. In like a hot way. Yeah. I guess. I get it. He looks angry. I don't want to fuck you

but I'm not going to be with you. You scare me. Like I kind of have this vision of him like being on top of me and me being like this is where it ends. He just chokes you like a little bit. He looks angry. You know what I mean? Oh, he's real angry. Like that guy that I went out with the other day who like went crazy on me. Yeah. This like crazy jealousy, nutso shit and like the

look in his eyes, I was like, I gotta go. Okay. But also guys, can I just say, Raina went out with this guy, he got like really jealous and possessive and he leaned in second date and he goes,

just love me. Oh no. Guys are so fucking weird, man. That's a bad one. That might be the most embarrassing thing I've ever heard. It was so bad.

I'm embarrassed, like I said it or something. I'm uncomfortable hearing it. I'm uncomfortable hearing it. Just love me. We've been doing it on stage and the whole audience is like, goes crazy. It's like a nightmare ASMR the way you just did that. God.

That is. What did you say? I said I have to go to the bathroom. I called Ashley and I'm like, I'm so drunk and I don't know how to leave here. I got like a Blair Witch, like, I'm so scared, like in the bathroom. And I was like, what the fuck? Just call it over. He says, just love me. You say like, I'll be right back.

We had this weird tense shit where he was like getting oddly jealous of stuff. Second date. Like weirdly jealous. And I was like, stuff, second date. Like, weirdly jealous and I was like, listen, just relax. Like, back off. And he was like, I'm sorry,

I just like you so much. He's like, I just want you to like date me. And then he like leaned in and said that and it was so, I was like,

stranger danger. Like, I have to leave. This guy's gonna, and like, you know when a guy is like saying a bunch of stuff to you so that they can fuck you?

Like, that was not what was happening. You know? Yeah, this was, like, real from the heart, like, deep shit. I think he mentioned. Yeah. Yeah. That's gotta be up there for, like, worst shot yourself in the foot ever. I think he's just a weird dude.

Yeah. Yeah, it sounded like he wasn't on the right path before. Yeah. No. It was... No, it's not. That was he finally fell off the cliff, but he's been teetering there. He was hanging on for a while.

Yeah, one thing. It's all there there. He was hanging on for a while. Yeah, one thing. It's all there was. So a note to all the guys. Don't say that. Just love me. Ever. Don't even say it if we're in a relationship.

Just don't say it to me. Ew. It was so weird. I don't even say that shit to Ashley. I guess that makes it less like I got it. Should that really match up? Should that always be the same? I mean, if someone whispers in their partner's ear, just love me, it's like, your parents did not love you.

You know, that's what happened here. And I'm not here for it. I don't have time for your issues. You get it. I don't have any emotional capacity. Yeah, I get it. Makes sense to me. He's like, I get it.

We all checked out. How was the show? Was it like a different show when you started? Galashios? Yeah, I just feel like after 50 shows, it's like more I get it. We all checked out. How was the show? Is it like a different show from when you started? Galatius? Yeah, just like after 50 shows, it's like morphed and changed. I'm so proud of what we do on stage. I think it's really unique in terms of like it's a comedy show, but it's not. It's a live podcast, but it's really not. I think her and I have all these bits we do where we go back and forth

and we interact really well with each other on stage. I think we've gotten a lot better at dealing with how drunk the audience is. They're fun, but comedy shows you can't yell out. Our shows, people are constantly on and off the stage and yelling. I'm so proud of what we've built because it's such a spectacle and it's so fun.

When's your next show in New York? We're doing two shows at Town Hall for the holidays. Can we get tickets? Sure. We're sold out, but we'll hook you guys up. We'll see what we can do. You at Town Hall for the holidays. Can we get tickets? Sure. Yeah. Where? We're sold out. We'll look you guys up.

Let's see what we can do. You got to wear that shirt though. Yeah. But we'll go for the holidays. It'll be like – now when we have theater shows, we open with dancers. Yeah, so the strippers in Atlanta, right? Yeah, the pole dancers in Atlanta. We had – which are like the pole dancers Ludacris hires when he like performs to a Super Bowl.

It's crazy. You just like corrected him like, excuse me, pole dancers. Well, we had male strippers in Atlantic City. I just want to be clear. They get pissed. You can't call those girls strippers. They're artists. They're scary.

Really? I mean, they're just not strippers. So if you're like, oh, yeah, you guys are strippers, they like will correct you. Oh, okay. Well, their clothes are on, so they're not strippers. So they just pole dance at events. They have a studio. They don't dance at strip clubs.

They have a studio because the first time I saw them I saw them at a ludicrous event. That's tough by the way if they're trying to rebrand pole dancers. If I hear pole dancer, do a stripper. They've been trying to rebrand pole dancers for a while. I know you can do stripper size but I assume you're a stripper. I feel like if you're going to be a stripper, you go there to learn some skills.

I'm sure some of the Magic City girls go there to learn some tricks. If you're at a bar and some girl starts swinging on a pole, you wouldn't be like, oh, I bet she exercises at the gym. Yeah, that's fair. I get what you guys are saying. But if they're on a stage with stripper poles and they're half naked, I guess you could make the jump. But these girls aren't. Just don't jump down my throat for it is what I'm saying.

I get it. It's not crazy for me to be like, those are strippers. Well, I wanted to correct you because we had like male strippers in Atlantic City, like full blown magic mic. Like they do the thing. Now those guys are impressive. I miss them every day. But yeah, we just, it's like a fun girls night.

When we first started, we kind of, we didn't know, I mean, we knew what we were doing, but we would have guests and we had like a standup opener. And when, then we were like, we don't need this shit. Like no one cares. They don't need to be warmed up, but they're warm. They're hot. They're ready to go. They don't care about this comedian. And we were like, we, they just are here to see us. Like we don't need to have guests and do all this stuff. So, I mean, we open up top with like 45 minutes to an hour, like just us riffing telling stories stuff like that and people love it and then we bring a lot of people up on the stage it's like it's just like a wild nice to have confidence i'll try to have that one day

they're just here to see us but it's true like yeah and they're right it's like fuck yeah when we go to our shows i'm like these people they're gonna be so surprised when we take the stage like they definitely know it's the same thing people aren't wandering into a theater show to see whoever's there. They're there to see us. It's not like comedy clubs where people are like, oh, we'll see comedy tonight. People are coming just to see us. They don't need an opener.

They don't need guests. They don't need all this shit. It's the same thing for you guys. They're only there to see you, I guess. Makes no sense. I guess. They laugh sometimes. I'm like, come on, that wasn't funny.

This is silly. You should have your family there so they can give you those pity laughs. You should actually invite them. No,

my family, oh my God. Could you imagine if my family showed up? I mean, we did a whole segment. Our last show we did, remember when that

lunch table meme was going around? Which one? It was like a cartoon picture of a cafeteria and it was like which table are you sitting at okay a bunch of names and we did terrorists and porn stars okay so i'm like trying to partner like mixing them all up so i had like my favorite like porn stars mixed with like muhammad atta and osama bin laden like and i'm just it's just like

not what my family needs to be seeing being like's fair. Being like, I would hang out with, yeah, I would hang out with a guy who committed 9-11 to like, to watch Heather Brooks suck a dick. I don't need my mom saying that. That's fair. You know, like that's just. Yeah, I feel like my mom wouldn't even get that. She'd be like, what? Yeah, maybe that's what I need to bank on.

I'm so fucking sick that my family wouldn't even get it. They don't even get it. They hear people laughing. They're like, our son. That's what I think. My daddy isn't even coherent during the show. He's not even awake. I think he was asleep at our first show at Caroline's.

He's just like, oh, she's making people laugh. Got it. I made... Full sack full of gum. Went... In Dallas, there was this guy. He's friends with Ashley. He's very cute.

And I was like, I'm going to fuck that guy after the show. And I made him get up and shake hands with my dad at the show. And I was like, this is the guy I'm going to fuck up at the show. They shook hands. Oh, you're crazy, Reina. That is terrible. It was a lot. It was great. I mean, that is great the show. They shook hands. Oh, you're crazy, Reina. That is terrible. It was a lot. It was great.

That is great from an audience point of view. You're sick. When our dads are in the audience, people lose their mind. I do a bit on stage. Well, it's the truth. But back in the day when I was 19, I fucked this guy that worked for my dad. And I've been doing this bit about it. And I did it at a comedy club over the summer.

My dad was in the audience. And he's great. He's like, that was funny. He did not know I fucked that guy, though, which I actually did. And so he's like, that was so funny. You crushed it. I'm so proud of you. He's wonderful.

And then about an hour later, he came up. This guy's name was Matt. And he came up to me later. And he was like, hey, I feel like I need to tell you something. I didn't know if I should tell you this. And I'm like, what is he going to say? And he was like, a couple years ago, that guy Matt died of AIDS. You fucked a guy with AIDS?

And then I'm like, I'm like losing my mind. I'm like, my life is flashing before my eyes. And he was like, I'm just kidding. He got me. He's so savage. He fucking got me. Dude, that is so dark. I would punch that guy.

And then he just walked away. I'm like, my dad's. I would punch that guy in the face. My dad wins. Yeah. I went down to – Holy shit. Kevin's upset.

Holy shit. That is fucking me up, man. That is fucking me up. I can't imagine hearing that. I can't imagine saying that to you if I was him. I can't – I mean – And then he just was like, gotcha. And just like – we just like took a shot, you know?

I had a friend in El Salvador who had – I went down to visit her and I met one of her friends. He's still thinking about it. He's upset. And when I went to shake his hand, he was missing two fingers. And I didn't really think anything of it, but then we get to partying that night and he tells me he blew him off in a firework accident. And when he blew him off, he passed out right away. So we woke up in the hospital in a bed, like strapped down so he couldn't, like, you know, scratch stuff and whatnot. And he said they used a skin graft from inside his fucking leg. And his dad was there.

And he's like, Dad, what happened? And his dad goes, Son, you blew your dick off. And didn't tell him. Didn't correct him for a day. Like, not right away, a gotcha. Because he was strapped down so he couldn't rip his stitches out and stuff like that. Didn't tell him

for a day, let him think you blew his dick off. What an asshole. This seems like the wrong time to do that to your kid. Like, not trying to teach lessons. Get back to sleep. I'll catch you in the morning. We'll work on this. Oh, shook.

That dad did not want that kid. He's been waiting all this time. He was like 16 when it happened. Bad dad jokes. He was a young kid. This is a kid. Because I met him when he was 17. With no coping skills at all.

Your dad shows up and says that shit. At least Ashley's an adult. He was like fully healed. But like I went down there my junior year of high school. So I was probably 17. He was hanging out in our friend's room. I would guess he was in that age. If I was 16 and thought I lost my dick, I would kill myself. Right, that's what I'm saying.

I can't believe he survived the night. Yeah. Right. Good thing he was strapped down. He would have killed himself. Who is this guy? I'll pity fuck him. I don't know.

Wait, he has the dick. He does have the dick. He does have the fingers. He does have the fingers. Does he have the fingers? He has the fingers or no? He has the fingers. I forget what two fingers he's missing. Let's hope it's not the middle two.

He can still give you the shocker. He might not be able to shock you. No, you can't. He might be able to just finger you. Or maybe he can just shock you. No, he definitely can't give you the shocker. No, if you're missing two, there's no combination of shocker. I don't know.

You can still do one finger in each. The shocker is this. Okay, but you could still use... The shocker. What don't know. You can still do one finger in each. The shocker is this. Okay, but you could still use. The shocker. Is that still like even a thing? It's like that's just called fingering now. You know what I mean? This is just now fingering.

Yeah, I don't want to be fingered. All those weird things. I feel like we've done like a disservice to men calling it that. We talked about this on our podcast. This doesn't feel good. There's no nerve endings inside there. Like what you're just jamming at. Am I blowing your mind right now? No. You got to touch the clit. Because you don't go in. You go no nerve endings inside there, like what you're just jamming at. Am I blowing your mind right now?

No. You got to touch the clit. Because you don't go in. You go up. Yeah. Right. You go up a little bit. That's finger.

Yeah. That's not going to feel good for me. What you guys need to do is tell people that it's not these two fingers that work. Which finger works? These two fingers that work. Oh, you go for the middle fingers. Yeah. You can't even hold them up.

It's like Spider-Man kind of. Oh, like this? It's like the reverse spider. Yeah. No, it's like Spider-Man. I don't want any finger penetration. You can just rub the clit. Really? I Spider-Man. Oh, like this? It's like the reverse spider. Yeah, no, it's like Spider-Man. I don't want any finger penetration. You can just rub the clit. Really?

I don't need you to do any of that stuff. I'll tell you what. I like a finger venture. A what? It's a finger venture. It's like a journey up in there. Yeah, you can do it. You can stick anything you want in any of the holes.

I'm just saying what I enjoy the most is external. Right, like I feel like when the guy's ridiculous that you're like alright, I will be penetrated I suppose but I don't really that's not what I want at all. I like all like sexual stuff

I'm just saying like what's gonna make me get off is like the external that stuff. Like I feel like every time a guy like starts to finger bang me I'm like rolling my eyes.

Right. Like I'm just like The mere fact that you call it finger banging I feel like you guys have not been finger banging the right way. I love saying finger bang.

It's funny. It is funny. Funny word. It is funny. But it... You're out here finger banging the right way. I think you and Ashley should go to the bathroom right now. Listen, we'll figure this out. She's a fucking guy with AIDS. I'm not going to hear that. No, thank you. Have you ever fucked a guy who died? A person who died?

I did, actually. I was 19. My boyfriend died. Why did you bring this up? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Wow. This took a turn. Oh, my God.

Thank you for bringing up that super painful memory. We had a girl at a live show that she, I think she lost her virginity and the guy died the next day. No, she said something like, well, it was sort of, she starts her day, I go, and he died. And she goes, yeah, he died. It was like pretty crazy. The guy like yelled it across the stage, it was sort of weird. She starts talking and I go, and he died? And she goes, yeah, he died. It was like pretty crazy. I like yelled it across the stage in front of hundreds of people.

It was not good. I'm just going to guess. I fucked a lot of people, so I'm going to guess one of them is dead. It's a numbers game. Somebody got hit by a bus or something. I would put money on it. RIP. These days, like, who knows?

It's a violent country. Right. I fucked a lot of guys with like DUI records. Which is on brand for me. Commonality. Because I've had a few. I fucked a lot of guys with DUI records. Which is on brand for me. Commonality. Because I've had a few. I met a guy at DUI school. Yeah, you are.

You're the DUI queen. I met a guy at DUI school. I was there for the... If you have a DUI on record, your lifespan is definitely... A DUI takes 10 years off the lifespan average. It does? Really? So I'm going to die tomorrow.

Well, I'm just guessing. I've had three. I've had three. I've had three. Two and a half. The third is just so crazy. It was so annoying. The third is nuts. Getting three DUIs

is like getting married three times. The third one was so far. You've got to just fucking stop. My dad's been married three times. One's a bad idea.

Yeah. I hate her. Third time was not a charm. It's not. I hope she dies. My dad knows a guy who's married five times to four women. He went back to the well on one of them. Okay.

That's insane. Back or back? That's like some girl like recycling thing. Like I'm still silly they married four times. I mean, in my defense, the third one was like way far after the first. I thought the first two right back to back. But the third one was like so many years later. I was just, it was stupid.

Were you like shit faced or just like just a love of lemon? I just had like, I was like wearing this. Like I was lounging in a friend's house having wine. I'm just saying it was pre-Uber. Guys, I'm just trying to make excuses. She's like, okay, so I was wearing a Lululemon outfit and they pulled me over. I wasn't like at a bar.

I was like having like a night in. Yeah, I was having like two bottles of wine. Were you like swerving and shit? I was lost. She lived down the street. I was in a different county. You were shit-faced. I ended up lived down the street. I was in a different county. I ended up in a different jail. I was like, this is new.

You guys redecorate? The snacks are different in this jail. Does Steve still work here? Where is he? He did my first two. The last place gave me a blanket. The third one was the nicest one. They were like, they had the blankets. It was like in a weird little county. I was the only person in there.

They like, let me check my Facebook. It was wild. Is social media in jail? In jail? At jail? What's up, bitches? Hashtag, I'm back! Remember how Facebook status started it used to be third person

it's like Ashley is in jail send help Ashley is feeling like good stuff great stuff oh my god

so your when's your next tour we're leaving in a couple days we're going to New Orleans for one night St. Louis twice stuff. Great stuff. When's your next tour? We're leaving in a couple days. We're going to New Orleans for one night and St. Louis twice. All this shit's sold out though, right? No, New Orleans is not sold out yet. I don't know what day this comes out, but New Orleans is November 16th. It's November 14th.

It's a Thursday night. It's going to be wild, so it's not sold out yet. That's going to be a scene, I'd imagine. I haven't been there in a while. me either we're going an extra day early just to party and hang out just to fuck yeah exactly I feel like these guys

like rape and pillage they show up in a city and it's just like we'll fuck you men and take your money let's go hide your kids hide your husband

yeah I guess you guys roll in the window shutter and they're like oh they're here and they walk down fucking Bourbon Street and all the fucking people run and scatter it's like in the beginning of shutter and they're like oh they're here and they walk down fucking bourbon street and all the fucking people run and scatter beauty and the beast yes

all right i'm trying to plug our live shows yeah plug them we're going to new york and chicago that's sold out but uh in uh january we're doing dc thebur. We sold it out twice. Just pretty cool. The Lincoln Theater in DC is not sold out. Boston, Wilbur. Oh, what did I say? DC. Oh, sorry. Switch that. Yeah, Boston sold out.

DC, The Lincoln Theater is not completely sold out the second night we're there. And we just released LA and San Diego today for February. We're announcing Texas soon, Florida soon. We'll do all that kind of stuff. Yeah, Philly. But yeah, LA, please come to LA, guys. It's a big theater. Didn't even want, Philly. But yeah, LA. That is so much. Please come to LA, guys. It's a big theater. Yeah.

Didn't even want to do it. Our agent was like, you're doing it. We're like, okay. Yes, we are. Well. 2,000 seats. Please come. Please.

Yeah, it's a Sunday night in February. It's Valentine's Day weekend. Oh, that'll be huge for you guys, though. Maybe we can marry somebody on stage. Yeah. I don't know. Side piece night. I feel like you'll have a big big that'll be like a good themed night

yeah it'll be good yeah rain is just gonna fuck on stage one day two thousand people all right i'll do it somebody can penetrate me actually there's a very hot guy in la that i've worked up with last time we've like yeah that we have to last time so might go back to the well on that one yeah sure yeah i feel like it's just a conduit for you guys to fuck guys in different cities well Yeah, we go on tour. We started 2019 saying like, we're done with this New York. It's been such like these New York guys. It's been such a pain in the ass.

We're only going to like date fuck guys in the road. And we've like really done it. Like I'm so proud of us. Good for you guys. You set an intention. It's like the secret. You guys get it. Put it out in the universe.

I don't understand anything you just said. That's why you guys. You said intention. It's like the secret. You guys get it. Put it out in the universe. I don't understand anything you just said. That's why you guys should be together. Thank you guys. Thanks. Turn around. Look at what you see. In her face. The mirror of your dream

make believe I'm everywhere give it in the light written on the pages is the answer to a never-ending story. I reach the stars, lie a fantasy. Dream a dream, and what you see will be.

Stars that keep their secrets real. I'm pulled king, there's secrets there I'm both behind the clouds And there upon a rainbow is The answer to a never-ending story Story Soaring high