KFC Radio - Jim Norton, YP and the Premium Pass, and Do You Believe In Dinosaurs?

Episode Date: March 14, 2019

Jim Norton (56:55) returns to discuss why people get offended by jokes but with watch Ted Bundy talk about how he raped people, the time DeNiro slapped his ass, getting star struck even when you're a star, and if meth dealers are mad about Breaking Bad. KFC tries to enjoy the Le'Veon Bell signing and he and John both enjoy the Giants being a dumpster fire. YP joins the show (24:15) to talk about the Pornhub Premium pass for the True Beaters. Voicemails include: can you date someone that doesn't believe in dinosaurs, wash off the ashes, and pigeons vs ratsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode of KFC Radio is brought to you by Lori Loughlin. She fucking paid us for this shit, man. We're just getting that Lori Loughlin money. She's paying everybody off. Today is brought to you by Billions. You want to talk about financial scandals and crazy, crazy shit like that?

That's what Billions is all about. That's what our guy Dan Soder is on. Shout out to him. He plays the character Muffy. Check him out on ATI. Check him out on Answer the Internet. One of the funniest episodes we've done. Billions, Bobby Axelrod, Paul Giamatti's character.

What's his name, then? Paul Giamatti is a fucking monster. Love that guy. Every movie he's in, everything he does, I like. He's very good. Him and Damian Lewis as Bobby Axelrod doing... I feel like I kind of know...

I feel like if you're in New York and you did any sort of finance or whatever, I know so many guys who are not on Bobby's level, not on Axelrod's level, but I know the trailer types. Yeah, that's who they think they are. Exactly. It hits home for me,

but anybody can watch Billions. It's a new season coming out on March 17th, season four, so if you're getting into the game now, you got three to binge. The premiere is Sunday night, March 17th at 9 p.m. Check it out on Showtime. Go to Showtime.com and enter the code KFCRADIO

and you get a free month of Showtime. Oh, shit! Yeah, buddy! Yeah, buddy! So that means you can be watching Shameless, which I didn't know Fiona is gone. Fiona's out the hussy. What happened? Spoiler alert? I don't know. Did they kill her? It's not a spoiler. I think she's just ready to move on.

Nine years. Yeah, I mean, that's one of the longest running shows out there, so you can watch Shameless, you can watch Billions and all the other shows. Anything on Showtime, you got it for free when you go to Showtime. Yeah. I mean, that's one of the longest running shows out there. So you can watch Shameless. You can watch Billions and all the other shows. On one occasion. Anything on Showtime. You got it for free when you go to Showtime.com. Promo code KFC Radio. I want you off the show right now. How come?

Because this is going to be a fun segment, but then you're just going to, I'm not even looking at you right now. You're just going to be like, you're just going to be laughing. Like, this is cute. None of this matters. You know? Yeah! It's so annoying. It's laughing like this is cute none of this matters you know yeah

it's like this is fucking great the jets land the fucking prize free agent we got our fucking weapon you have a knife in your hand yeah buddy i would prefer that gets put down that's a real knife oh yeah this is this is that's annoying smith to walensky somebody stole us from the steakhouse i don't know why you have that knife here, but I don't appreciate it. Continue about your happiness. Yeah, you better watch what you say. We got, you know, this dynamic weapon to go along with Sam Darnold. We're making moves, signing free agents.

Meanwhile, the Giants are a fucking dumpster fire. They don't know which way they're going. Are they all in with Eli? Are they rebuilding, trading Odell Beckham? Flat out, straight up, the Giants organization is racist. That's a fact. The Giants organization and half of their fan base, they're racist. If you wanted to get rid of Odell

Beckham because he likes to dance and because occasionally he fights an inanimate object on the sidelines, you're racist. It's not even just Odell. It's over the past few months, you've lost Eli Apple, Olivier Vernon, Landon Collins. What's the common theme here? Odell Beckham. Who are you keeping?

Talented players. I mean, Eli Apple, I think Giants fans kind of rejoice when they get rid of him, but he went and he turned the Saints defense turned around with him. So four or five very talented

African-Americans who would help your team. And you're keeping the old fucking lame duck donkey quarterback. Guess what he is? White. I mean, facts are facts. Those are literally facts. And everybody who's calling up the sports talk and everyone

on Twitter who's freaking out, look in the mirror. Are you like a middle-aged white person? Probably. Do you have many black friends? Probably not. Do you not like that this guy has flashy hair and dances and he's a little bit swagged out? Yeah, sure. Listen, no one's going to say that Odell Beckham's not like a diva. I don't think the fans are racist. First of all, everyone's racist.

But fans are deeply upset about they lost it. Some are. Some are rejoicing. And those people are racist. My Twitter timeline is very... Yeah, like Mike Francesco. What did you expect him to say? the old middle-aged giant fans are like we're getting back to like the roots we're getting back to the giants way this is not how we win and they use it they it's this veiled racism where they're like uh you can't you don't win super bowls with big name wide receivers which is true that's a fact but that's not why you you know that's not why you

got rid of him right you got rid of him because he's a flashy black guy and you can't handle it they got a decent decent haul back for him but i still don't really know what the plan is in new york it's one of those things where it's like uh you know when when you make a trade and the team you traded him to is like whoa like going crazy like like the browns fan base is like holy shit that doesn't feel good no it doesn't feel good but that happens sometimes i know but i'm just saying that when, you know, first of all, when you just signed him, you look like idiots. You look like fucking morons. Did they give you $25 million last year? Huge money.

With these signing bonuses and stuff? If they said flat out, yeah, listen, big name wide receivers is not the way to go. Because it probably really isn't. I mean, it is a long, long history of these guys not winning. And the teams that do win using, you know, Julian Edelman types. Good wide receivers, but not a long, long history of these guys not winning and the teams that do win using Julian Edelman types. Good wide receivers, but not great. Not commanding money and fucking with your salary cap and making the rest of the parts of your team suffer.

That's all well and good, but you didn't do that because you just signed him. So either at best, you saw the error of your ways and now you need to try to make up for it, and you're scrambling, and that means just two minutes ago. That just means your team philosophy and the direction your team's going, you're all over the map. Because if you're trading Odell, it's kind of like a rebuild move.

If you're rebuilding, why are you keeping Eli? Those don't make sense. Maybe you are. I'll throw a giant's a bone here. Maybe you are rebuilding and keeping Eli because you know Eli's going to get you a number one pick. Oh, it's a tank move.

It's a giant's a tank. We're going to stick with Eli. I will allow that. I will allow that take. As long as you're being like, yo, we know Eli sucks. That's what's scary, though. We're going for top of that draft.

Unless they're being like, really, maybe they're playing everybody. Maybe they're laughing at people like me because they seem like they're really publicly committing to Eli. Maybe behind the scenes they're like, yeah, we'll commit to him. We'll commit to him for two more years. Two more first picks. And again, it's tough when there was just a class of quarterbacks. There was a good crop of them.

So you got to like the Haskins. But here's the thing. Now, I mean, your best years, you're going to add how many years of Saquon? Three or four. So what are the Giants going to do the next three or four years? They're going to be rebuilding. I think someone like AP is still doing it.

Fine. Let's say you give him five years of his prime. By the time you get Eli out, get a new one in, and start to build, it's going to like five years of his prime. Like by the time you get Eli out, get a new one in and start to build, it's going to be like five years of rebuilding. Like you're going to waste this guy's entire prime. So you don't know what the fuck you're doing. Giants fans.

It's okay. You Giants fans. Let me, I'm going to, I'm going to show you how to be, I'm going to tell you how to be when your team doesn't know what the fuck they're doing. Like this is it. Now you've become jets fans you

gotta be like me you just gotta fucking accept it and kind of hate them like right now you should be like fuck gentlemen fuck the maris this is stupid just do it they don't know what they're doing be honest about it now you say be like you are you like you right now no i'm not like you well no in a weird way i am in a way i am. It's just that this me only comes out like maybe once a year if I'm lucky with all of my teams. Like once a year, once every couple years, somebody will sign or there'll be a trade or they'll go on a winning streak. Or, you know, like last year, the Jets opened up in Detroit. They blow them out. I'm like, here we go.

Or the Mets open up 11-1. I'm like, we're going to the World Series. And then I flip the switch because I have to I have to give myself some I have to throw myself a bone every now and then otherwise I will literally stop watching sports if it's all bad all the time so I mean here's here's the beauty of it I am over the moon about this guy Le'Veon Bell who's like undoubtedly more more focused on his music career right now than where he's playing football. His album.

Did you listen to any? No, of course not. That's a stupid question. Stupid question. It is, I swear to God, and I guess I'm just going to sound like an old guy here. You could tell me it's a future song. You could tell me it's a Migos song. It's as good as all those songs.

I swear to God. You drank the Kool-Aid fast. No, no. I don't mean that in a good way. I'm just saying, like, I mean, that's more of a critique of rap than it is Leool-Aid fast. No, no. I don't mean that in a good way. I'm just saying like, I mean, that's more of a critique of rap than it is Le'Veon Bell. Okay, okay, okay.

Like, I don't, these songs are identical to every mumble rap trap music rapper out there right now. I will say, I'm a little bit concerned. He has one song called Free At Last,

which is all about like his money and financial motives and shit. I got them teams back on the scene. I'm keeping them coming like I'm a machine. I don't, like, I don't know. Like all these diamonds I'm making.

I'll be honest, I get my way. My man, Everton Republic, they've been playing really loud. I'm like, yep, I know this. But that's... If you told me that was, you know, the latest fucking mumble rapper out of Atlanta, I'd be like, okay, cool.

That's that hot shit. That's fair. He has one song called Freight Last. And he's talking all about like, I didn't break any rules rules i was just trying to get my money like how many of you want to be like me and just get paid but then he keeps saying i'm gonna rob these n words without a mask that doesn't feel good when you're the guy that just gave him 60 million when someone's like i'm gonna rob you i don't even need a mask to rob these motherfuckers and you're the guys that gave him money it kind of makes you do the thinking face emoji.

It's like, hmm, is that about my team? But, you know, it's Le'Veon fucking Bellman. He's going to rush the ball 300 times, catch 85 balls, give you 10, 12 touchdowns. I mean, that's a weapon the Jets haven't had since Curtis Martin. I mean, they haven't had anybody in the backfield that's fucking, yeah, fuck you. This is why I didn't want to have him on the show.

What do you mean? It's cool. I also don't know what you want me to say. Just give me this. In the world of New York, in the world of New York football, the Jets at least have their guy to build with who's shown enough promise that we don't have to abandon this

immediately. You have a dynamic weapon with him. You have spent some money on some pretty solid defensive pieces, and you have a high pick. Who would you rather be a fan of right now? Answer me that question. The Giants or Jets? Yes.

Jets. Okay, thank you. I just want it to be fully established here. Because Giants fans are still like, the Jets are a joke. And I get it. On the whole, you look at the two franchises, of course, the Giants are the Giants. It's like Mets, Yankees. But right now and probably for the last, I don't know, what, four seasons,

the Giants are a fucking joke. The Giants are a joke. At least the Jets have been like tanking and building in the right way. The Giants are like, they don't know. They can't get their head out of their ass. They're a fucking true dumpster fire. That's all I want. I don't need the Patriots fan to sit here and say anything other than that.

You guys are really good. The AFC East is really good at making a move. And I don't even think it's the fans of that team. The AFC East is really good at making a move that makes people go, Oh, the AFC East is a challenge now. I'm not saying that.

I tweeted it last night. People were like, that's not what we think. I'm like, I don't think it's fans of the team. People on ESPN today will be saying it. They'll be like, well, they're a threat now. And then in November, those same people were like, of course they suck. No one thought this was going to mean anything.

They're the Jets. I agree. I agree. So, yeah, it seems to be the Jets who made that move this season. Bills have made it in the past. I'm just going to say this. The only glimmer of positivity and hope for the future I really have is that this is all at least coinciding with what could potentially maybe, if I can throw any more disclaimers out there, be a time when Tom Brady might call it quits. Maybe. Probably not. Even Tom is saying Tom Brady might call it quits. Maybe. Probably not.

Even Tom is saying he's got two or three more. Right. So if Sam Donald's coming into his own and he really is the guy and you get Le'Veon Bell for the duration of this contract and he's playing and Tom Brady decides to retire. You guys might have a year. Hey, I'll take it. My cockiness, my arrogance. I'll be wrong one day. That's a fact. Well, it's not a fact.

It's a very high probability. I will be wrong one day. But for 20 years, my response of like, Le'Veon Bell, doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. That's been right. And it's going to be right again. I saw that. By the time Le'Veon Bell, all running back contracts, it's 460. No, it's not. It't matter. That's been right. And it's going to be right again. I saw that. By the time Le'Veon Bell, you know, all running back contracts, it's 460.

No, it's not. It's 230. Right. And I think 235 is what it is. I think it's the 35 year. Whatever the guarantee, it's that many years. And then after that, it's probably not contract anymore. So Tom Brady says he has two or three more left.

You got two with Le'Veon. Yeah. Good luck. I saw Patriots fans being like, your teams are getting better. This is what my team's doing. And it was a picture of Bill Belichick diving into the water on a dock, but in a bad way, but being like criticizing him. Oh, yeah.

You guys are such fucking assholes. But that's so few and far between. But the fact that there's even one of those on the planet, that is insanity. There was someone else the other day. I think someone on WEI was like, get off the beach, Bill. Shut the fuck up. Until he doesn't, until he has to.

Make him have to. If I was a fucking, that would be my bulletin board material. If I was on the Jets, if I was the Jets GM, I would put a picture of Bill Belichick's chonky ass up on the fucking bulletin, and I'd say, make this motherfucker come home the day the free agency pops off.

Make him do his job. Make Bill Belichick work again. Some people were like, oh, cell phones exist, so it's not that cool. He's not on the beach making fucking deals. He's literally laying on his fucking boat. But he knows that the money being thrown

around is crazy. You don't win with the big name wide receivers. You don't win dropping $60 million on a fucking skilled position. He's like, yeah, I'll pick up the scraps. I want you guys to know I'm not scared of what's happening. It's interesting to see what Bill Belichick does, though, without Tom Brady. Because he does elevate those guys. You can't go just get the same old scrappers that Tom Brady's going to just up their game

like 25%. So at some point, Bill Belichick's going to have to get some names. I would imagine. But I could also see him being cocky and being like, I'm approved. I can do without him. Yeah. There's always a chance that he wants to. I mean, they both publicly say a lot of things, but they both publicly said, I don't want

to play for anyone else. I will give you this for Le'Veon. I went to bed at one o'clock last night. Probably something like that, 1, 1.30. Maybe a little bit later. 2 o'clock. Watching Layer Cake after Le'Veon Bell News broke. And I'll tell you what.

Woke up at 3.30 and 5.30. Shed my pants. What? I mean, I was like running to the bathroom to shit. I didn't actually shit in my pants. What? I mean, it was like, I would like run into the bathroom to shit. I didn't actually shit in my pants. You heard it here. Le'Veon Bell is making the Patriots fans shit themselves.

Well, they... Nope, nope. Run it. I'm giving that to you as an omen. Run it. I'm giving that to you as... Now, I don't believe in omens. Omens and things like that are for the poor,

for them, for those who have nothing to believe in. People like me. So they think that they are not in control and are not responsible for their own just putrid sadness. So I don't believe in those things. But I'm giving it to you as a gift. I'm saying, Kevin, if you'd like

Le'Veon Bell made John shit himself. Now, it was either Le'Veon Bell or it was the chicken bacon ranch pizza I got at 11.30pm I'll tell you what, John, you're too old for chicken bacon ranch. While the pizza place was closing up,m. I'll tell you what, John. You're too old for Chicken Bacon Ranch. While the pizza place was closing up, I was like, oh, you guys, what's left? What's been sitting out the longest?

Old Chicken Bacon Ranch. There are certain things you can't do when you're older. You can't drink as much as you used to and shit like that. You can't eat an old Chicken Bacon Ranch pizza without shitting yourself. Oh, buddy, It was a scene. It was bad news bears. But I'll tell you what. There was, when I got the Chicken Bacon Ranch, when I got the pizza,

me and my guy got into, you know, you've eaten with me before. You know I'm the politest motherfucker on this planet. Mr. Fucking Etiquette. It's just bam, bam, bam. And we got into, dude, we were in a thank you off. This thank you off is brought to you by Stitch Fix, the online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes,

shoes, and accessories to your door that fits your body, your budget, and your lifestyle. So, my body, gross. My budget, not very big. My lifestyle, no fucking idea. Confused single dad. Living in Neverland. Your lifestyle is the Giants.

I'm really sure what we're doing right now. Don't know what's happening. So, hey, Stitch Fix, figure that one out, okay? See if you can crack that case. Figure out that riddle. You can put clothes on anybody. Go to stitchfix.com slash KFC. Tell them your sizes and what you like

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A thank you off. It was... So you're the man behind the counter, like a pizza guy behind the counter. Okay. I mean, how many thank you off. It was... So you're the man behind the counter, like a pizza guy behind the counter. Okay. Okay. I mean, how many thank yous could... I mean, it's usually one or maybe two,

and that's it. I think we hit about seven. What do you mean? We were up there. It was like Frasier Ali. You think you're right in it? Bam. And it was like Woodward and Bernstein breaking news.

We were just in... It's just fucking... Motherfucker said Woodward and Bernstein breaking news. Like we were just in Swedish. It's just fucking insane. Motherfucker said Woodward and Bernstein. We were just like, we were two greats doing what we were legends at. And that was being polite as a motherfucker. We were just like simpatico. We were in sync. It was like a Latin dance.

I'm like, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm trying to remember exactly how. I mean, I literally don't understand what you mean. Like, you asked for the pizza. He gave it to you. You say thank you. He says, like, thank you for coming, and that's it. Okay, so I'm trying to remember exactly how many there were.

I get in there, right, place my order. Thank him for taking my order. Get over to the register. He tells me how much it was. I hand him my card. He thanks me for the card. He remembers with two slices of pizza. I also got a Chipotle.

I was really flirting with death. And he says, with two slices of pizza, you get a free water or a free fountain soda. I hit him with a, oh, thank you. I go grab a water come back have the receipt waiting for me hit him with that $2 tip to come with a free water I'll be honest I don't tip on the take out

if he put a tip line I'll put a tip hit him with $2 cause he got me a free water and he hits me with a thank you, sir. At this point, I'm like. This is before any food has even exchanged hands. We're four thank yous deep. So I guess it was, I think it was five because then.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I did win. I did win. So then we had a rapid fire. It was okay. Yeah, I was right. It was seven. It was rapid fire for that.

It was. So I'm getting the pizza. And when he hit you that hard, thank you. I was like, you're not winning this was so i'm getting the pizza and i when he hit you that hard thank you i was like you're not winning this you're not getting the last word on this motherfucker so i'm like but i got one more play i got one more play like chess i got one more play i got one i get the pizza i can hit him with it and hit out the door yeah yeah on the way out the goodbye thank you oh yeah so i i hit him i grabbed the pizza but thank you so much man he goes thank you sir have a man. He goes, thank you, sir.

Have a great night. I said, thank you. You have a great night. I was out the door yelling that back. I can't hear you. No, thank you. You have the best night. Have a night that is better than the night you just wished me.

It was. I got so fucking high from that. You had a polite boner. He was walking out of there hard as a rock. I couldn't even wait. I had the pizza box in one hand. I'm sending tweets about it. I'm spelling words wrong.

I was just like. That was tough. The one-one mix-up. I was drunk on thank you powers. Drunk on etiquette. I fucking. I wasn't even drunk. I injected that shit into my veins.

Fucking Woodward and Bernstein over here. Drunk on etiquette. Speaking of etiquette, I was on the subway today, the shuttle over from Grand Central, and I saw a battle between homeless derelicts, the etiquette there. So the shuttle is maybe three cars long, two cars long, a short little shuttle back and forth between Times Square and Grand Central. So it's like a 90-second trip, and there was this guy on it

who had his keyboard out He had his hat sitting there with some dollar bills in it And he wanted to play some music I also had a wild preacher woman Come on the same car And she pulls out some giant book That was like a sign basically That said something about the history of

Negroes Oh boy And she started screaming about... Didn't expect that one. Yeah, she started... Call that a curveball in the business. She started screaming about black power. She was an African American woman? Correct. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It wasn't... I mean, it was racist, but it was not a white person. Oh, she was being racist to African Americans. No, to white people. She was all about the i don't think you do that i don't think so she was so she starts to yell and the guy's like miss miss miss miss miss you got to take that to the next car i'm working this car with my music and she said fuck you all i care about is black power and he was like all right done he just starts playing

and she just starts yelling about black power. And we all just sit there and listen to both things go on, again, for like a quick 90 seconds. And then, boom, we're all Times Square. Oh, my God. I was like, I don't know what the etiquette here is. Who wins? The piano man or the black power lady? If I was a piano man, I would have started just playing for her.

I don't know. Oh. Let's gang up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do this Ebony and I everything, right? Imagine the keyboard. This was a white man Nope

It was black on black crime Whoa Yeah he was playing Some like jazzy shit To be honest He was delightful Okay I could do without

The black power yelling That was not as good The keyboardist was great I actually I didn't have cash on me I was gonna tip him Cause I was about to be like And I was gonna make a scene of it

I was gonna be like Thank you For your entertainment Cause crazy black power lady is just ruining everyone's morning right now. So there was a little kid on the train, she was like yelling at her, I was like, you're a fucking dick, man. A little history lesson, yeah.

Well, fuck you, all I care about is black power. Well, there's a mission statement, like, hey, the girl knows what she's doing. Fair point, yeah, fair point. Hey, look, you came in here, you were honest with us, I gotta respect that. Straight shooter. You want to with us. I got to respect that. Straight shooter.

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I'm just, you know, I'll be in control of the knife. Kevin's been eating a knife. Kevin's been eating apples with a knife. It's so weird. Yeah, that's a weird-ass move. He's like the dude in... Ramsey Bolton. I just watched that the other day in Game of Thrones. Also Dennis the Mask. I was going to say Dennis the Mask. I've been eating apples with a knife. It's so weird. Yeah, that's a weird-ass move. He's like the dude in... Ramsey Bolton. I just watched that the other day in Game of Thrones. Also Dennis the Mask.

I was going to say Dennis the Mask. Yeah, I've been doing it. He cuts somebody's throat. What do you have there? An apple. Kevin's like, a fucking knife. I'll break my teeth if I bite into an apple right now. I got a broken tooth.

Oh, for real? That happened to my dad. I got a veneer, and it's like half broken. Dude, that happened to my dad. He can't eat apples like that. All right. I got to go get it fixed permanently, and I'm like, I'm just not gonna do that. I'm just gonna wait until the thing breaks again.

It was like the first time I heard my dad say the F word. We were playing hockey, and he got hit with a puck, and he was extremely mad. Yeah, I bet. Sounds like it's painful. You know, I did not know. Like, the F word to me doesn't mean fuck anymore. I just say fuck so much. You thought I just dad said fuck? Yeah. No, brother.

The tooth is about 1998, but we still didn't roll like that. 1998 in Missouri? I don't know. Yo, what you been up to on the internet, man? What you been doing? Well, last night I was actually afforded one of the, you know, maybe highest privileges that you can have as a true meat beater, as they say.

What does Tyler say? True beaters? Yeah, true beaters. Real beaters? Oh, the true beaters, no. The real beaters i got a text from kevin clancy with some uh it's kind of like the nuclear codes i don't even know if i'm allowed to say this on the podcast let's say it fuck it i mean not the password i'm not gonna say the password there's there's a kfc radio uh pornhub premium account i was i was set up with one i have for the next five years and uh i'm only letting the true beaters use it.

It felt like being a made man in the mafia. Matter of fact, last night, it was down to the nitty gritty last night. It was me, you, fights, I think Nate, Ken Jack, Keith was lurking, everybody else had gone. And of course we're talking about porn, that's all we talk about. And YP was like,

porn on premium, that's weird, anybody who has it is kind of a weirdo. And I'm just sitting there like, uh-huh, yeah, that's weird, like, anybody who has it is kind of a weirdo, and I'm just sitting there like, uh-huh, yeah, sure, right,

right. John showed me his thing, he's like, I got premium, and I was like, I would love, like, girls who porn and all that shit

is like the only one I would get, but I was like, I feel like once you cross that threshold, you're a weirdo. you, yeah, but I'm saying you were like, and granted,

it's paying for it, you're not paying for it, but you were like, if you have premium porn, you go from like, a porn guy to like a fucking weirdo and i'm sitting there the whole time going uh-huh uh-huh and then i text him on the side i'm like oh by the way here's the password yeah after all that all that talk what did he do he was like oh thank you i'm going home right now dude that's different though that's like someone drop it being like like buying a kilo of cocaine

versus someone leaving it at your house it's like that's different you though. That's like someone dropping, being like, buying a kilo of cocaine versus someone leaving it at your house. It's like, that's different. You just dropped it off at my house. I'm like, uh, I'm still going to use this shit. And when I was looking at John's, I will say I was blown away by the quality. It was stunning. That 4K, bro.

Oh, bro. It's so nice because there's so many videos on Pornhub now that are short, like 10 minutes. Yeah. Right? But you know when you're at the Pornhub now that are short, like 10 minutes. But you know when you're at the Pornhub Premium, it's got that little orange star, and you're like, oh, that's a full video. And it's like all of them have the little notches that tells you what what's happening in the video. They're all edited like that.

It says like 49.52 or something. Come right to the goods. Dude. It even hits you with the watched. Like if you... Yeah, previously previously watched when you're on demand so you already see something like yeah i know but i'm watching it again that's one thing that we have to talk about here because when i went home right strapped in you know put put the kids to bed as they say it as as as like a kind of a term it was it was nighttime it was time to do some

exploring and uh i will say this man it brings a very different element when i'm thinking we're on this like group thing i know watched on there they're recently watched and the recommended for you gets a little bit dicey when it's not just your own shit and listen i there's definitely like you know i'm trying to be in my own world and then i see a watch i'm like yeah i wonder if feidelberg watches or kevin like who else is on this account i'm like i don't know't know. I actually haven't looked yet. I actually haven't even put, I hadn't put together that the watched were other people. You just thought it was you?

In fact, every single watch I've seen, I'm like, yeah, I've seen that one. Yeah, me too. True. I never thought, okay, I'm going to watch that one. I'm like, yeah, I've seen that one. But then I'm starting to think, I'm like, how deep do I want to go? Because this is my first day in the inner circle. I'll tell you what. If I have, like, you log on today and there's a watch that you're like yo what the fuck dude like we got to take this guy out i said this to fight over you brought that up

and i was like you would seriously like there's something that you would feel like uncomfortable around me about watching but then i but then i i hopped in i strapped in and i was like there was a couple things i was like all right i'm not gonna watch that right that's what i'm saying dude i don't feel any shame with youtube but still all right all right you know kevin like this i was like yo if you see my dick i'm fine with it but it's weird for me to take out my dick and show you right yeah i disagree with that i don't think that'd be weird at all bro i would look we've talked about this i don't think i don't give a fuck if you see my dick it's fine it's like, I'd rather you see it so that there's nothing left to, like. There's no, yeah, we're all your cards on the table.

Exactly. And that's kind of what I feel like with this porn watching thing. But the real thing is misconceptions, though. Like, last night I was going through and there was a suggested or, like, you know, related. And it said slapping or piss slapping or something. And obviously, it's like Game of Thrones when guys get their innards pulled out or something. You're like, that's gross, but I want to see what that looks like. It's like biology.

Like, what happens when a human gets cut in half? So I wanted to see. I'm like, yo, what is piss slapping? Whatever. I mean, fair, fair. These chicks are sitting in the bathtub, and this girl's just piecing her up, dude. Just like, bop, bop, like hitting her. She's like crying.

She starts pissing on her and shit. And I'm sitting there like, yo, somebody's got to call the cops. This chick's like beating the fuck out of this chick. Call the cops. Is this like consensual? Is this like a murder? I don't know what's happening. Are you watching snuff films, YP?

Dude, it was on your account. I don't know. It said suggested. Fidelberg probably is the one who like brought it into our universe. I never heard of it i'm embarrassed i didn't get what piss slapping was it's pretty explanatory slapping them yeah um it's a little it's a little i'm glad i know it now it's a little outside my realm of comfortability i'll tell you what this is what happens when our power is combined like captain planet yeah the porn hub's like i don't know what to show these whatever whatever this account is

looking at, they need some shit right now. Here's some piss slapping. He's like, yo, we're going to have to go deeper for this one. We found a group that, it's like a new drug where they're in the lab, they're like, this ain't going to cut it anymore. Piss slapping was on that website, but they just hadn't showed anyone yet. They were waiting to release it.

Release the Kraken! When I started at Barcelona, K-Marco sent me that video to basically hate me. The guys beat each other to death with hammers, right? Stabbed each other with screwdrivers. Oh! The Arns Volvimus murders or whatever. We talked about that. You get a job at Pornhub, they send you to the basement,

and they're like, all right, you're on piss slap duty for fucking six months. It's great, dude. And it's also one of those things, like it's just misconceptions. I don't want to have people talking down to my name that I can't defend myself. It's not like I'm whacking

it to that, but at a certain level... You almost need to, like, I wish I could click on it, but right, like, I'm just watching out of curiosity. Yes. Or like, don't put this in my recently watched, or don't put it in my suggested because this is not actually what I'm into. Yes. It's just curiosity. It's like any celebrity sex tape. I'll watch it. Yeah. No matter what. No matter how gross you are.

If you have a little bit of fame. If I know what your name is, I want to see it. People are talking about your boy Dave. tape. I'll watch it. Yeah, no matter what. No matter how gross you are. If you have a little bit of fame. If I know what your name is, I want to see it. People are talking about your boy Dave. I would watch him on a cam, not because I want to fucking crack it. We got him down to $28 million, by the way. He would do 52 cams for $28 million. Honestly, that's just so much work. 52 shows is a lot of twerking, dude.

It's a lot of meat beating. You're going to jerk off a ton more than that. Now you just got to do it on camera. It's really just the first time. That's a lot of twerking, dude. It's a lot of meat beating. You're going to jerk off a ton more than that. Now you just got to do it on camera. It's really just the first time. That's the thing. If you can get over having a video of you and your penis beating it on the internet, if that happened to me, brother, I would be in the game. I would be so deep in the pool.

Because once the seal's broken. I mean, just let the avalanche flow. There's nothing to lose. If there was a video of me. I bet you that's how it happens. Yes. People build up the courage. They get one done and they're like, well, I might as well just do a thousand.

Once you've had one sex video out there, what's another? What's another? What's another? What's a thousand? What's another? Because I think people don't care like after three live shows of him beating his meat, no one would be turned... Like that's just kind of one of those things that once you know what it looks like... Yeah, but you know what? You say that and then next time you're like, alright,

I gotta up the ante and you gotta bring something new and next thing you know you're doing piss slapping well that's the thing too and it's like i was thinking last night i don't it was kind of like a brainstorming session while this was going on i'm like i wish it was like a social media thing where i could like tag you guys on the same account like like a watch list you're like yo check this out dude you gotta see this i think you can probably do that on like if you get on like the porn hub like an ear market for you probably like yo ke, check this out, dude. You got to see this. I think you can probably do that. If you get on the Pornhub. Like an earmark it for you? Probably.

Like, yo, Kevin, check this out. This is like a poop slapping. It's a little bit different. Do not save that for me. Do not save that for me. But if I haven't seen that, but if I did, I'd be like, yo, you got to see this shit. It's like, dude, I think when you get barstooled out on the internet. What have I done?

I've been reading Dave and you and K-Margaret for so long that it's like we've seen all there is to see on the internet with like normal shit. Like that's just entertainment at that point. I need to see a chick getting the shit. Like that sounds bad. But like this chick getting slapped and pissing. Like that's the only thing that I see that I'm like, whoa, this is some crazy shit. You know what I mean? YP has, he sent us a video last night in our little group text.

And he was just like let's go I was kidding it was no no I know you were kidding no you were not but at the same time

your dick was in your other hand and those tabs were open bro those tabs were open that was not a fucking joke YB had 50 tabs open alright I guess I didn't mean joke I meant more like

I was just trying to get the boys fired up it's not like I was really no but but you were jerking off and watching 50 different tabs but I don't even think that I meant more like I was just trying to get the boys fired up. It's not like I was really. No, but you were jerking off and watching 50 different times. But I don't even think that's porn. I think that's just ADHD. Like I have to get a hunt.

And you know what? I actually went into this weird like depression thing last night. So the first one. You had a night, huh? The first one. You really rode that roller coaster. I mean, Fodderberg, I had like 100 tabs open. Yeah, I had a night, dude.

You think that was like a Photoshop or something, bro? That was 100 videos selected. How many more did you browse? Not even, you know a night, dude. You think that was like a Photoshop or something, bro? That was 100 videos selected. How many more did you browse? Not even, you know? Oh, bro. Thousands. Maybe tens of thousands. So first of all, I have two things to report from my first night as well.

It's almost 2 HD. I felt like inappropriate watching it where I'm like, oh. It feels like you're in the room almost. Yeah, it's weird. I'm about to catch like a peeping Tom charge or something. High quality shit's creepy. It's like 4K. This chick's in Girls Who P weird. I'm about to catch a peeping Tom charge or something. High quality shit's creepy. It's like 4K. This chick's in Girls Who Porn. I'm ducking when she looks at the camera.

It's like, oh, sorry. I was just, my bad. I'll just close the window. It's a little weird. Also, it doesn't always go well for the girl. No. It's so high quality. You're like, ooh, we need to zoom out on you, girl.

Bro, it's a lot like when advanced statistics or something nowadays, like it would have exposed some players. Yeah, Allen Iverson wasn't actually that good. There was one I actually opened recently and it was kind of like, let's start with the girls dancing. And I was like, oh my God, this looks terrible, right? Yes. You have so much acne right now. Yes!

It's like all of a sudden you go back, like all those sweet crossovers, like, damn, he took a lot of contested long twos. You know what I mean? This guy was pretty inefficient. You know what I mean? Like if you put like some of our childhood heroes in this day and age with 4K from that close, their legacy might not stand up the way you want it to. You know, that's a shame.

I literally mean this. You are the greatest in the world at sports porn analogies. I genuinely mean that. Nobody is better than you on the planet Earth. I appreciate that, dude. That's how my brain thinks when I'm seeing it.

When you got a dude talking about porn stars taking long contested twos when that's the analogy and it makes perfect sense. It makes perfect sense. Perfect sense. He's the goat.

That's just only how my brain works. It's like the same thing where I would kill to be the best at anything. You're the best at that. You got that to your fucking name. But it is true where it's like you remember only the Tori Black walking into that barbecue and shit, but you don't remember some... It's like we kind of got rose-colored glasses on some of this.

You ever see early Tori Black when she gets fucked at the party? That's what I'm talking about. Oh, okay. You told me to watch that last time, and I watched it. But like now? It's like I'm... Now? You know what I'm talking about? I don't know what you're talking about. it's like I'm – Now, now, no. You know what I'm talking about?

I don't know what you're talking about. It's like Willow's college. I won't say it for Tori Slander because – No, no, no. Stop saying it. No, no, no. She's doing Tushy and stuff like that. She's still –

She's great, but all I'm saying – She's literally – Yo, you know when Frankie was talking about Gretzky in Modern Day? Yeah. It's the same thing where – and I will never disparage Wayne Gretzky's name ever in any manner, but it's the same kind of thing where it's like, if you took them and put them in today's game, it would be different. It is like...

But I don't know, Tori. Listen, this video, she just goes to a college party and she smashes this guy. It's one of those, like, everyone's rallied around watching and she puts him on a fucking... Oh, I know this one. I was thinking barbecue. I was thinking it was probably a video where Tori Black shows up at a barbecue and fucks a bunch of black guys. Right. I think I've seen that one, too.

I thought you were talking about... I thought you were talking about it. I thought you were talking about the Taylor Rain one in the backyard where she's like... Taylor Rain is kind of like a Tory Black type of protege. Taylor Rain got me in a lot of fucking trouble one time. I had a Taylor Rain video downloaded on my

laptop and my girlfriend saw it and freaked out because she thought she looked like another ex-girlfriend of mine. Honey, I'm looking at her asshole. That's the dumbest thing. I've always like, I remember early on in my relationship and I think she asked something of like what, you know, I look

at it. She doesn't care, but it's like I'm sure if you're a girl, you want to know. They care, but they don't care what they do. But it's like one of those things where it's like shut up with like, oh, who does it look like? This is a separate world like this universe has nothing to do with the real universe. It really doesn't. It really doesn't. It's like I am not myself I'm not your boyfriend when I go

into this world. It's like Avatar when they go in those chambers and they're out. It's like don't link these two things. Don't try to draw some sort of conclusion. You want to do some voicemails with us? Yeah. We gotta get to them so let's do it. Voicemails are brought to you by SeatGeek Best place to buy and sell tickets to any live event.

You know, you want to get out. You want to get outdoors? You want to get outside for the summer? Maybe an outdoor concert? You want to get out there and catch a ball game? You want to get indoors? Go see Network? Network, Bryan Cranston. You want to go catch some comedy? Shout out to Francis who has a show at the Wilbur. Any of these

things, any live entertainment, SeatGeek is the best way to buy and sell tickets. Right now, you can get $10 off your first purchase. When you download the SeatGeek app, you go to Settings, you click Add a Promo Code, you enter KFC on your checkout for your first purchase, and you get $10 off. Every ticket's guaranteed, no fraudulent tickets, best prices possible because they have full transparency with the entire secondary market, so you know you're getting the best ticket for your buck. It's SeatGeek, promo code KFC for $10 off. Hey guys, it's Ash Wednesday and I had a quick question. Just got back from church. It was like

after work later in the evening and I wanted to come home and it was kind of horny and I was going to use my vibrator and then I walked by the mirror and I thought I saw the cross on my head and I felt super guilty. And I was like, you can't do that with that on. So I washed it off. And my question to you guys is on Ash Wednesday, is that like a day that you're not allowed to do this? Especially like you definitely can't do it with ashes.

Like I know, but I hope one of you says it's okay if you wash it off and still do it anyway. It's still not as bad, but just wanted to get your moral gauge of how guilty you feel. First of all, first of all, I'm in love. I love this girl. She has a hot voice. She's coming back from church. She's a wholesome girl. She's getting a little horny, wants to blast off.

Still not fully a deviant to the point that she's worried about the ashes on her forehead. This is the funniest voicemail I think I've ever got from a girl. Can you imagine being like, you got your fucking 12-inch mechanical jackhammer in your hand, and you're like, not while I have this soot on my forehead. Not while my face is a little bit dirty. I love her. I love her. I 1,000% get it.

Oh, yeah. I would not be able to. My Catholic guilt would not have me able. Have you ever jerked off when a family member died? Ever jerk off on the day your grandma died? No. All my grandparents left, God bless, but no, I haven't. You ever jerk off on 9-11?

I was like six. I don't know if I knew how to jerk off. No, I was like nine. I don't think – there's never been a day. I don't think I have on days where I know someone who died. But it wasn't really a conscious choice. It was just too much other stuff going on like if I was see I think I definitely have

because I'm like you know it's gonna be it's gonna be a long day it's gonna be a big day I gotta be there with the family I gotta like I gotta be there

I gotta go to the funeral I'm stressed it's sad I just gotta clear the pipes I don't know for a fact but I'm willing to put it out there I'm sure I have I don't know for a fact

that I haven't but I feel like I haven't but it wouldn't have been like a conscious choice like I can't do it today i thought right because it's a biological thing yeah yeah yeah again don't you know don't judge me based on real world standards right honestly dude there's enough things of like moral right and wrong that go on in life that i feel like meat beaters it's like we're just talking biology right now do you know what i mean it's like you're just bodily functions it's seriously low it's yeah like would you take a piss on a day that like you would ask yeah like that's just another thing

that your body does right it's like how about this you you already had your ashes on your forehead and you were horny enough to go home and blast off so you were already thinking about fucking sex and all sorts of shit so you're already you're already sinning bro if anything you're gonna be 10 times clear-headed and gonna actually do some introspection after you whack it seriously then then like if all the toxins are out you're like let me see what i really need to do i'm not even thinking about you should jerk off on days like yeah no it makes a lot of sense yeah that should be the first thing you do before you go to church it should be like get the ashes actually they should set up like a little stand like you jerk off and you get your

ashes all in one shot you know when i'm the most wholesome ke Kevin? Right after I... I'm like, you know what, man? It's time. It's go time now. Let's go do some push-ups. Let's eat some healthy shit. Motivated. You're fucking ready to go. You're going to be productive for society.

Absolutely. And also this girl being like, oh, your dream girl? Dude, she might be crazy. Calling this show and asking what we think. That's like asking... Might be crazy again. Your dream girl. That's like asking Dan and Dave, should I gamble on the day of fit?

Like, what do you think we're going to say? Yeah. I mean, she actually even said, I'm hoping some of you say that it's okay after I would wash my ashes. Yeah. Girl,

you could, you could put the ashes on your pussy. I don't fucking care. Yeah. And also, are you beating in front of a mirror or something? Like, how do you like,

she was walking by it. Yeah. She caught a glimpse. Once you know, but once you know, you know, yeah. Once you know,

it's fucking, I don't know, brother. I think I compartmentalize that pretty quickly know, you know. Yeah, once you know, it's fucking. I don't know, brother. I think I compartmentalized that pretty quickly. I do like to think that I respect the symbols of history, and I'm like, I don't need to see. I get it, right? I definitely understand it. I have the connection to youth, but then one of the best points is that Jenna Hayes in the confessional booth.

Oh, damn. I didn't even think about that aspect. There's a reason why nuns and shit are a theme. Come on now. I think they fucked in an actual church in that porno. Oh, yeah, dude. Probably. Kids in high school used to do it. At boarding school, kids

used to go fucking to the chapel. Churches are never locked. You can always get in there. Churches are never locked. If you died while talking about jerking off with ashes on your head, then I would switch back to the other side.

That actually is a fair fear. You might just be smited down. One of those things, the worst way to be found dead with your laptop burning a fucking hole on your chest and a cummy dick in your hand. And ashes on your head.

In a piss slapping video on the screen. Yeah, I do. I will say this. Luckily, Premium Keep is like Netflix where it'll play another one. Okay, cool. your hand and ashes on your head in a piss slapping video on the screen yeah i i do i will say luckily premium keeps is like netflix where just it'll play another one so i don't okay cool i don't think you'll ever get caught it's a great feature i also i'll say this i am all for this girl i you could leave the ashes on if you want but there is something in my mind don't tempt fate you know like who knows yeah maybe today is the day that you get just fucking lightning bolt pow

because you were using your rabbit with the ashes on your head. Yeah, and it's like one of those things when you're, like, in a car, like, doing something, like, risky, you want it on your side. You don't want to be like, damn, I was kind of asking for this. Right. All right. So, wash it off, blast off, and call me. Okay.

And don't feel bad about it. Hey, KFC. I've got a question here uh i've been dating this girl on and off uh all of college and uh it turns out the other day we were making fun of flat earthers and we're laughing i say that's almost as dumb as not believing in dinosaurs uh laughing stops i get a blank stare from this chick it turns out she does not believe in dinosaurs based off her religious upbringing. Now, I'm instantly thinking, I gotta break up with this chick.

No way I can stay with somebody who doesn't believe in dinosaurs. She thinks it's not a big deal. It's just her belief that I'm kind of an asshole for making it a big thing. And my roommate told me to break up with her because she works at the restaurant below my apartment, and it's the best steakhouse in town. I don't know what to break up with her because she works at the restaurant below my apartment and it's the best steakhouse

in town. I don't know what to do here. Let me know what to do. She works at the best steakhouse in town. Right beneath her apartment. His buddies don't break up with her. Oh, bro.

Why are you shaking your head? That's a valuable perk. How long are you going to marry this chick? What happens when she moves or gets a new job? I'm going to say, yeah. Free steaks? Bro, free steaks at a nice steakhouse? And all you got to do is just say, okay, whatever.

You don't believe in dinosaurs, you idiot. Don't get me wrong. This chick is retarded. But if I can get a free filet with some mashed potatoes and that cream spinach with a lava cake all at the discount or all for freebie, oh, buddy, I'll stop believing in dinosaurs for that. I don't know. I'm not even fucking kidding. I would – look, I've stayed with girls for longer for worse reasons. I've dated dumb girls.

Yeah, that is true. You know how many dumb things every girl I've ever dated with? One time I was dating a girl. We were at the beach, and my buddy came out of the ocean. He got nipped by a crab, and he was like, oh, I just got bit by a crab. And she goes, yeah, I can smell them. I smelled it. I was like, what?

I said, what? She said, yeah, I can smell the crab from here. We're sitting on the beach. I need to bring this girl fishing, dude. She sounds useful as fuck. My buddy was like, what the fuck does that mean? She was like, yeah, no, I can smell those things. I was like.

Like smell the future? She smelled a crab in the ocean. She could smell them through the water. Through the water. She smelled it from the shore. I was like, and I'm sitting there. I'm like, you're a smart girl. What the fuck is that about?

Another girl I dated once asked me, what animals potatoes come from? Damn. Dumb girls, bro. What do you think it would come from if it had to come from one? A rhinoceros. I was going to say bear. Yeah, just like drop it out. Yeah.

Oh, like a shit, basically. I was saying it was part of them. No. Like a potato, like a gland. Like an egg. Like an egg? Yeah. I could see a pig pooping out a potato.

I could see that, yeah. Or egging out a potato. Yeah. Potatoing out an egg. Whatever. That'd be way different, bro. I mean, I don't know if you're only out here dating fucking Harvard scholars who had their kids, who had their parents pay for them to get in school.

But I'll – fuck a chick who doesn't believe in evolution. Yeah. I mean, that's easy. I'm not saying marry her. I'm not saying appropriate with her. The relationship will end eventually. But I feel like the callers of this are usually kind of in that mid-20s range. Yeah.

You're still moving a lot. You'll move soon. When you don't live up on the steakhouse, then it's over. Right. And it's great, too. And I wouldn't even make fun of her for it, just because I don't want to rock the boat. Yeah. Just keep those free steaks coming.

I don't know. I would say this. You just keep that in the holster, and then when you break up, you're like, hey, you fucking idiot. You don't even believe in dinosaurs? Like, fuck you. I mean, of course. You thought I was going to stay with you forever?

That's stupider than not believing in dinosaurs. This clearly relationship hit a rough patch a year ago, and I've just been in this for the asparagus. Yeah. That's mean, bro, because you want to have that nuke. If you're going to break up with someone, you always want to have a nuke of, like, so you win the breakup. Like, guess what?

I just debuted for the asparagus, the steak, and I've been laughing at you the whole time and calling KFC Radio, making fun of your dumb ass. Can you imagine the moment you're in the car and you're like, yeah, man, like, I don't know. T-Rex is my favorite dinosaur. And she's like, what? Like the literal moment where you're looking at an adult in the face and they're like, I do not believe in dinosaurs.

That has to be very uncomfortable. Does the Catholic Church really not believe in dinosaurs? I feel like they do. I feel like there's like a loophole. I think that's just like you were believing in the book. Tell you what, Catholic Church is like Game of Thrones. They've moved past the book at this point. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right, right.

The Catholic Church believes in the Big Bang Theory. I think they believe in something called, what is it, like divine? Like Adam and Eve. The Catholic Church doesn't believe in Adam and Eve. There's a term that's like we believe in evolution, but it's all being guided by a higher power. They don't think it's Adam and Eve anymore. Why wouldn't there be dinosaurs? Why wouldn't –

I think that's – No, and they do believe. I think the church – The regular Catholics believe that there's – The church accepts the existence of dinosaurs. Again, I think. I know they accept the existence of the Big Bang Theory. So if you're accepting that,

I feel like you're accepting dinosaurs too. Have you ever dated or been with just like a fucking dumb girl? Like I know I'm saying I've had like girls say dumb things,

but I've never just like dated a girl that I'm like you are an unintelligent person. No, you can have a stupid belief, but no, I mean we need to be able to talk. Yeah, right, right.

Girls are just like you can be the smartest girl in the world and they'll say the dumbest stuff that is like when when you're like really like uh feeling super alone is like when i was in college one time i hooked up with this chick then immediately after i was like you're laying in bed and you can tell you hate the shit out of this person and you're just like fuck man i gotta get out of here i'm better than this like yeah you're kind of like damn like it's like your mom is in your head like yo you're better than this like this disappointing you know what i mean because that post nut man honestly though one thing i was just thinking obviously i believe in dinosaurs that i watched jurassic park was my first thing but like i don't fucking

know who made dinosaurs i don't fucking know i mean i don't know like it is crazy when kurt schilling always yells about evolution and he's like i don't know know, prove it. I'm like, I can't do that. That's what I'm saying. It's like, to be honest, if I really had to explain why they're real and not God,

it's like, it's smarter than that. But it's like, I can't really tell you why the earth is round. I don't know. It just fucking is. Just dinosaurs.

I can just show you its bones. But I'll tell you what, they've been dead wrong. they didn't make that. I don't fucking know. Yeah, that's what Carl Everett thinks, that they were just placed there

by somebody fucking with you. I would never say that or think that. I actually think they're real because it makes more sense to me. But how about this? They've been dead wrong. I don't know. Now we're finding out that they were small bird-like things and not giant monsters.

I think they were that wrong. They were giant. Not all of them. They were smaller than you think. T-Rexes were smaller than they were originally thought to be. Well, we see the bones of them. It's just they weren't covered in scales.

They were covered in feathers. But I think they were also smaller than even like the average one was a lot smaller than some of the bones we found. Because you got to think

you found like one bone. You find a couple T-Rexes. You don't have like, you know, you could find a Zah or you could find a fucking Kristaps, you know?

Yeah. That would be crazy. Yeah. If we found a Kristaps dinosaur and then based everything off that. Yeah. Or we found a Kristaps dinosaur and then based everything off that. Yeah, or we found a midget dinosaur. Yeah, I mean, dude, that's just one of those things where it's like,

I'll make fun of someone just for like, if she, like, I don't know. It is one of those things. If they press you like one step further, you're like, well, I don't know either. You're like, I don't know. Let's just go get something to eat. Let's go to the steakhouse. Last one. Hey, KFC, Fight Super

Producer BC and Logan. I was wondering who you think would win in a battle. All the pigeons in the world or all the rats in the world? Perfect for YP. Pigeons versus rats. I think I'm team rat all day.

But the flight is a big deal. It's a battle, bro. They got to come down at some point. Yeah, but you can fucking swoop and pick them off. You see, there's actually a new story today about a fox that broke into a hen house. Wow, a literal fox in the hen house. Found it dead. The hen's won.

Yeah. What? Yeah. Alright, alright. This is like that mountain lion that the guy killed and it turned out it was 30 pounds. It was like a house cat. This guy's beating the fuck out of someone's cat. Like, this could have been a pussy-ass fox that was like sick. It was like a house cat. This guy's beating the fuck out of someone's cat. This could have been a pussy-ass fox that was sick. I'm surprised you took the rats. I think that the aerial attack is ultra important. I mean, in any battle, the high ground wins.

If you're a pigeon, you got the high ground. Whenever we do these hypotheticals, we always pick at least one of the birds. Have you ever been bitten by a rat? No. I have a chinchilla. He bites me and it hurts like a motherfucker. Have you ever been bitten by a rat while you. I have a chinchilla. He bites me, and it hurts like a motherfucker. Hey, have you ever been bit by a rat while you can fly in the sky and get away from them? It's a battle.

You have to engage them. Swoop in. What do you think? A pigeon has talons like a fucking bald eagle? He's not just coming out and cutting a rat in half and flying off. You can come and knock him over and ruffle him up a little bit and then fly away before you get bitten. Pigeons are bitch-ass motherfuckers. They're like six ounces or whatever.

Pigeons are flying rats. Bro, if that rat gets— bitch ass motherfuckers. They're like six ounces or whatever. Bro, if that rat gets. They're winged rats. They're not even afraid of humans. They are winged rats. They run New York City. They are winged rats. But if a rat got into you, it's like Game of Thrones. Yeah, you can go around.

But as soon as you're head to head, I think that rat's tearing that ass up. I saw a fucking pigeon go head to head with a bus the other day. Wouldn't even move for the bus. These motherfuckers are going in. No fear. Let's talk about about damage who could take more damage a rat a million times over that yeah i guess for but like but what is like if a pigeon is coming in sweep swooping doing like a pidgeotty style oh pidgeotty the uh pokemon pokemon yeah fuck yeah dude uh good call like pidgeotty comes in just fucking flushes you up, pecks you a couple times, back on.

Right? He's fine. The rat's fine, but he's a little wounded. And guess what? There's a thousand more. There's a bunch more pigeons coming in. Wait, wait. Did she say all the rats versus all the pigeons, or is it like an equal number?

Because I feel like there's probably... Let's call it equal. Yeah, we'll call it equal. Dude. The only thing is that every now and then the rats can unleash like King Rat. And those ones from like the subway are like fucking, those are like mountain lions. That is a great point. It's like what kind of rats?

Bring in the reinforcements. It's like this guy is the size of a fucking tiger. Kevin, there may not be an animal on earth we'd take over subway rats. Those things are scary, man. Those things are mean. I just don't know how, like, how does a pigeon, how does a rat. How are you going to get to a pigeon if he just keeps flying? They have to attack you.

It's a battle. You can attack quickly. They literally wait and just fucking bite the shit out of them. Like F-150s don't fucking land to fight. Yeah. You just keep shooting. I have a truck. F-18. F-18.

They don't land to fight. They fight you from the sky. Yeah, they have missiles, dude. Pigeons don't have missiles. But they can just come swoop down. They've got diseases and shit. Yeah, they'll fuck you up. They'll pack you. All I'm saying is that... Oh. You think pigeons are going to out-disease rats?

We had air superiority in Vietnam. That's all I'm saying. I mean, dude. We didn't utilize it well, though. We didn't utilize it well. We played Agent Orange. The rats are just going to be in the subway. Just hold ground down there.

Pigeons got to take the fights down to the subway. But you can still fly in the subway. And, oh, you want to talk about. But you can still fly in the subway. Yeah. And no matter what, you'll still be on some sort of ground. And I will still be, even if I'm just flying six inches above you. To me, this is not even a close battle. I would take rats.

I would say it is a very heavy favorite. Maybe minus 330. I think you take, you lose a little bit of claws and teeth and you gain wings. I think that's a big advantage for pigeons. I've been bitten and pecked and shit by pigeons, by geese. What's a pigeon's grip like? They don't have talons, but they have

a chicken foot. Could they pick up a rat? Probably. If it's flying in the sky and drop it? I think so. Like kamikazes. We're making up rules now. Pigeons can pick up pizza. Rat like kamikazes. Yeah. We're making up rules now. That's fake. That's not a rule.

I think you can pick up a rat. I mean, pigeons can pick up pizza. Rats can weigh much more than pizza. Pigeons are fucking dirty, strong, urban city monsters. This website has pigeons at 9 to 13 ounces. I'm going to say a rat. How big would you say?

You can lift more than your weight. I mean, I can't, but pigeons can. I would say rat weight. Yeah, an ant can lift like 800 times the weight. So mean, I camp a pigeon's camp. I would say rat weight. Yeah, an ant can lift like 10,000 times the weight. So this is interesting. It's saying a brown rat, eight ounces. So it's even weight with the ability to fly?

That is, all right, I'm thinking subway rats would be a pound or two. Listen, all I know is my chinchilla, when he bites me, I'm 180 pounds, and it hurts like a motherfucker, dude. I'm telling you, he clamps down. I was cleaning this cage out the other day, and he gets real antsy because you're fucking up his shit. He lunged out and bit the fuck out of me. I literally was like, ah, I was bleeding. They'll make you bleed, and that's a human skin.

Yeah, you got disease? No, bro, he's good. He's a healthy rat. He probably got a disease from you, you creep. I'm taking rats all over. Let's get into this Jim Norton interview. It's brought to you by Burrow Couches. You want to revolutionize the way you live and shop for your furniture?

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and you can get $75 off your award-winning Burrow sofa when you go to burrow.com slash KFC. That's burrow.com slash KFC for $75 off your next couch. Jim Norton, let's talk to him. Cool. All right. Back once again. I think it's like the third or fourth time.

You're one of our more... You're one of our most recurring guests, I think, Jim Norton. Thank you, guys. We appreciate that. I would never have imagined at one point being like, oh, Jim's coming by again. What's up, man? It's a fun spot to be in. You said you were very happy before the interview started. I know. You quickly, like,

hang on a second. I immediately corrected myself. That was just, you know, before the interview buzz, everybody has, like, hey, how are you? Good to be here. Thanks. And all of a sudden, you settle in. You realize, I'm not great. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm alive. I'm very happy that you realized

I'm with you two so we'll take that down moderately. I can be truthful at least with you two. That's fucking like if you're doing Fallon that's what you say

when he walks in. How are you? Great. Thanks. Thanks for having me. Not that I would know he won't have me on his fucking show

but you know what I mean. Fucking Fallon. Yeah. Sorry I'm too blue. Sorry. Blue a couple guys a couple times. What's the problem here? Exactly. A couple of your fucking young ladies in dresses with large penises when I can be blue. Sorry. Blue a couple guys a couple times. What? What's the problem here?

Exactly. A couple of your fucking young ladies in dresses with large penises. What am I going to be, rude? Pop it in your mouth. It's one transgender. All of a sudden, you can't go on Fallon. What the fuck, man? I know.

I talked about that the first time I was on there, too. Did you? Yeah. I had gone into a trans bar, and I was getting lap dances, and I fucking lost my wallet. So I had to go back in and get my wallet out of a fucking trans bar. So I told the story on Fallon, and he was like, okay, great. Of all things, Jimmy, I could just see him, you know, Jimmy like, oh, okay, let's move on to another topic. I love those late night interviews are just so phony, you know, where they try to make it like, so have you ever, you know, do you have a funny football story from high school maybe or something that's like clearly planned?

It's like, oh, my God. You know who's good at that? Johnny Carson. Johnny Carson, you know, do you have a funny football story from high school maybe or something that's like clearly planned? It's like, oh, my God. You know who's good at that? Johnny Carson. Johnny Carson, you never realized. You know, I heard you and you were scuba diving and you would never go like, oh, is that prepared? Like he was so fucking smooth. But now it's really obvious when people, you know what I mean? So skydiving.

Right. Perfect segue. That makes no fucking sense at all. But I mean, I get it. You know, you got like seven minutes to make your mark and that's fine. But anybody who thinks it's real or whatever, come on man i'm a shit storyteller terrible are you yeah i mean i'm going to say that no my way of being funny is not a story i'm not good at that i always tell people like on 9-11 if i had been in tower one and made it out alive i'd still

lose people halfway through the story i'm a fucking horrible storyteller. I suck. It's like, dude, this is terrible. Get to the point, man. Gotcha. I mean, I wouldn't... I know some bad storytellers, man. There's nothing worse than someone who's like, was it a Tuesday or a Wednesday?

Was I wearing the black shoes? It's like, doesn't fucking matter, man. Just get to the goddamn point. Yeah, exactly. You were in Dilly Plaza. Tell us what happened. I don't care. Like, Louie's a great storyteller.

Jim Brewer, great storyteller. Like, Brewer can talk about anything for an hour. Louie can do the same thing. Cosby had that gift. Like,

I just, I don't have that ability. My way of being funny is not that. I'm just not interesting for long periods of time. It's gotta be fucking rapid. What do you think?

If you notice you're losing people? When I notice I lose people? When you notice? Are you out? See, I'll pull the ripcrap. Like, you know what, guys? Just fuck it. It's got to be fucking rapid. If you notice you're losing people? When I notice I lose people. When you notice? Are you out? See, I'll pull the ripcord. You know what, guys? Fuck it. It doesn't matter. Sometimes we're all just cut out other parts of the story that are important. It's like panic.

It's awful. I can't believe that. Introduce three new characters in a breath. Wait, where did Tim go? Oh, no, no. He's where I would have been if I had your eye contact. That's the part I would have told you about. After all these years, you still, like, you feel that? You feel like that?

Terrible storyteller. Yeah, but I know I am, too. Like I said, I'll never do a one-man show. I just have no ability to hold interest for a long period of time. That's not true. Yeah, you're on stage for a fucking hour, man. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a comic, sure.

But I mean, like, I'm not doing long stories. I'm doing little bits. I'm just like, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a comic, sure. But I mean, like, I'm not doing long stories. I'm doing little bits. I'm just like, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do people who can. We, uh, I feel like the world of comedy is very, or maybe I'm just taking note of it more, but I feel like it's much more, like, scrutinized now. Oh, my God, yeah.

Is that true? Like, even from back in the day compared to now? Oh, the whole country sucks. Yeah, because it's the product of the times. Yeah, yeah. Roseanne does a joke and everybody's triggered and yet there's a four-part Ted Bundy documentary where this asshole is just giving his opinion on life.

What the fuck is wrong with us? Ted Bundy's fine. Four episodes of him babbling. He's a fucking boring guy, first of all. That one, that lost me halfway through. I did two episodes of that and I was like, this fucking sucks. Yeah, we get it.

He's not even that good looking. He was very overrated. Very overrated. I know, I would have jerked off Edmund Kemper before I fucked Ted Bundy, but that's me. But, you know, yeah, but Louis Parkland jokes are too rough, or Roseanne's tweets are too rough,

or Trevor Noah's got to apologize, but no one has to fucking say they're sorry for four hours of Ted Bundy just conversing. There's nothing to be gained by that piece of shit talking. That's a great point. And those are so prominent now. Sure. There was,

I mean, there was that one with the, the abducted in plain sight. It was an hour and a half of like parents being like, yeah, we knew our daughter was getting molested, raped. And you know,

we were kind of whatever. And like, it becomes a famous internet meme. Like this is the dad who jerked off the guy. Yeah. Like that's a word. We're fine with that. Huh?

That's the line. I honestly, I never thought about it that way. The line is crazy with the true crime. Like, let's sit down with these awful people and just let them kind of tell us their story. You can't make a little, like, one joke,

one tweet? Jim, that's why you're Jim. That's great. Abducted in Plain Sight, by the way, was a great How to Achieve Your Goals documentary. That fucking Bob Burstow, he fucked two people in their 40s. He was a pedo. So that guy really knew how to make things happen. Godspeed, Bob. But yeah, and the point I'm making

about the documentary, that's how the outrage is a lie. It's garbage. It's non-existent because the documentary makers are never going to have their career affected. Zac Efron is playing Ted Bundy. No one's going to go after him. But if you make the wrong Ted Bundy joke, you're a fucking criminal. Yet for somehow, if you play a rapist convincingly

you get praised for being great at your job like how the fuck is that higher off form of art than making fun of something and making people laugh at it so you can't buy into the outrage it's shit it's not real I don't have a problem with the Efron but that's why I also don't have a problem with the jokes but I think the documentaries

I do I think that's crazy to have just their actual words like listen to this guy preach a little bit yeah the waco you've had so much of the waco stuff recently i watched uh what was one i mean there was obviously there was a show waco with taylor kitch and then there was a uh oklahoma city documentary sure and it's kind of the same thing it's like people who agreed with it being like look this was what we were thinking like why why why are we allowing them people who are pedophiles as well allowing them and people who've lit children on fire to explain, like, this was my point of view. Yeah.

We're going to share that with, I think Netflix brags about 130 million people to subscribe to it. How is that not triggering for people? How is that, how is a joke triggering? And it's not triggering. It doesn't make you, no one's ever committed a fucking rape or a murder because of a joke. No one's ever been pulled away in cuffs quoting Richard Pryor. It just doesn't happen. You know what I mean? They do it because of the way the press covers these things.

But the press never does the story what are we doing to contribute to mass murders or shooting. They never write that story. So people, you know, fuck them. Whatever. When you allow people, the jokes don't make stuff happen, but when you allow someone to explain like this was my line of thought. Romanticize it, sex it up.

People can be like, oh, he's on to something. That's exactly how Timothy McVeigh happened. He saw Waco and fucking what's his name? David Koresh. David Koresh. And he's like, what's happening to them is bad. They're okay. They're right.

And now we're just interjecting it into new youth now with a Netflix documentary about it. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. Just laugh at the jokes, man. Just fucking laugh at the jokes. Or don't laugh at them. Being offended is cool, too. The triggered word to me is like, oh, so it garnered a reaction?

That's kind of the point. Triggered is just meaning like, yeah, I affected you maybe negatively, maybe positively, whatever it is. That's the fucking point of the craft. I was triggered. Too bad it wasn't with your toe on the fucking rifle in your mouth. Fucking boring speech cop. Shut up. of the craft. I was triggered. Too bad it wasn't with your toe on the fucking, and the end of the fucking rifle in your mouth.

Fucking boring speech cop. Shut up. Are you, do you have your own opinions on the comedy game or are you just kind of like, I just take it for what it's worth. I like certain guys.

I don't like certain guys. Exactly, man. I don't care what anybody does. I don't care how offensive it is or how clean it is. There's no valor in any of it. Like I love, I tell as a genius.

I think Jim Gaffigan is fucking brilliant. Like it doesn't matter. Regan is it. You know, like I love, I tell as a genius, I think Jim Gaffigan is fucking brilliant. Like, it doesn't matter. Regan is brilliant. So I don't have any, I don't care. I mean, comedy is like music. There's guys that are fucking,

you know, death metal. There's guys that play smooth jazz and then there's fucking top four. So who cares? We had Regan in here and Gaffigan obviously is another one who's clean. I inherently feel though that,

I feel like they're judging me. You know, it's like, he they're judging me you know it's like yeah he wasn't but you know he's totally fine but i'm like you you you make a choice to do your comedy in in such an opposite way of what we do here on the podcast that some part of you has to be like you chump you know what i mean it's like i feel like it's harder to do that yeah you need to say fuck yeah well i do all right so fuck you well those guys a lot of those guys like dirty dirty acts too like they like the fact that you're saying things that they don't say or a lot of times

they would love fuck I would love to say that on stage but it just doesn't fit what I do I could never yeah I've never gotten a shitty

I mean I guess because I know those guys for a while but I've never had a shitty vibe from clean comics no not at all I mean they're doing

the smarter thing yeah I mean if you are that way fine sure but if you are that way, fine. Sure. But if you are the type who wants to curse and wants to talk about certain things, and you don't, I just couldn't live that way.

I just, you know, it would be torture for me to just sit there and hide what I really want to say or really think, you know? Right, yeah, my lifestyle wouldn't have promoted clean comedy anyway. One of my favorite, one of my favorite clean comics, or one of my favorite comics right now is a clean comic, but I didn't even realize he was a clean comic

until I watched like hours of him it was Nate Bargatze yeah I just saw Nate he's very funny he's so funny yeah see I would never call him a clean comic

that's kind of the best way to do it is to not you know have it be the defining part of your act yeah he's just funny right funny's funny man

yeah he doesn't he doesn't go up there he doesn't toot his own fucking up clean everybody you know he just does his thing I think Cosby kind of

ruined that for everybody because he was clean always talking about language and it's like really i mean do we really get to see you didn't say cunt on stage aren't you a wonderful person what a hero what a hero you are bill shit pile shut up i never even criticized richard prior he cursed he was he was the worst long before i came out i remember black twitter in particular was like oh here's bill cosby telling us to pull up our fucking pants again. Right. Shut the fuck up. And I think people like that.

People who project all of that, like you got to be better. You got skeletons. There's a reason why. You're preaching and you're protesting without protesting too much. Is that what it is? Yeah. The people that are talking the loudest, like about especially judging everybody else's shitty behavior. It's like something creepy is going to pop out it's kind of one of the

it's a bit of a trope but it's also pretty true where you get like the conservative congressman tapping his toes under the sun he's got a whole family at home and he's anti-abortion but he paid his mistress to have four of them or he's been sleeping with a whole other guy it's like you got something

or the environmentalist who flies private the louder they are about shit it's like come on got something. Or the environmentalist who flies private. The louder they are about shit, it's like, come on, we're all a little full of shit. Right, absolutely. You slow down a little bit. Stop telling everybody else how to live. It would be awful to not be able to admit that. Yeah, it would be terrible, right? I actually almost, I feel bad for those people. If you can't

just be like, look, I'm kind of a shithead. You have to put up this force field of like, I'm fantastic. You must all be like, nah, man, don't try and be like me. I'm pretty shitty. Well, when's the last time, to. You must all be like, where are you? Nah, man. Don't try and be like me. I'm pretty shitty. Well, when's the last time? And to show you that it's so everybody's obsessed with just being right. When's the last time on a talking head show, whether it's Fox, MSNBC, you see it all.

When's the last time you heard one panelist go, ah, you know what? That's a good point. I hadn't heard it. Right. Right. I never thought of that. That's great. You're right.

Never. And across the course of just natural fucking conversation, someone's got to make a point. Someone's got to convince you of otherwise. The fact that you can never admit to that, it says everything. Never. And when's the last time a politician actually came out and goes, oh, my God, you know what? I was fighting for this and I was incorrect. That's actually – those guys are –

I got to change my policy. Yeah. So it's like everybody's just a cunt. We had Dane Cook in here not too long ago. And we were – we were able to only touch upon the louis ck stuff and the joke stealing and whatnot and i'm always interested to just get uh other comics opinions of that i mean uh i i think that some of that can get pretty overblown sure but i think within the comic world it's such a third rail type thing that you just you know you steal one joke or one type of punch line or whatever and it seems like you're fucking dead

I think comics can kind of sense who joke thieves are a lot of people become obsessed now if there's any parallel thinking if there's anything close this one stole it this one stole it and it's like no you don't understand how it works like those two people have never there was one joke I don't remember it was a joke I did and they thought I stole

it from Norm MacDonald but my special came out before his and I know Norm didn't see my special because by the time mine came out his was already probably been added we haven't worked together

I've never done stand up with Norm I don't watch other it's one of those things do you not because of that I don't really want to it's not something

again if I'm walking through the room and Colin or Tell is on stage sure I'll stop and watch for a minute I watched a little Ron White special Norm's great

I would watch it but I don't want to see things that stink or see things that are so great that depress me that I didn't write them. Yeah, I feel that. You know what I mean? Yeah, definitely. We did that with the podcast here.

We're like, I'm scared to listen just because I don't want to hear. We work with a lot of talented people here. I'd love to be able to listen to them, but I'm nervous. I'll be like, subliminally, I'll be like, yeah, you know what? That was kind of funny.

I'm going to switch it a little bit here. I'm just going to go with my own thoughts not meaning to do it and then people go like well how come you don't watch I don't want to I'm not interested in doing that

I'd rather watch The British Office again and then again it's not to knock I just don't give a fuck do what you do good it's interesting

I don't care I mean I don't listen to a single podcast I don't ever listen to a podcast yeah I love Joe Rogan I've never heard it once

when I'm on it especially I avoid it I'll watch maybe a clip like I watched a clip with love Joe Rogan. I've never heard it once. When I'm on it, especially I avoid it. I'll watch maybe a clip. I watched a clip of Donald Rollins recently, or I'll watch some of the stuff because I think his show is great. But I can never sit down and just listen to somebody else do something for an hour because I feel like I should be doing it. I mean, that's probably just a testament to you, though. Just being completely so insecure that I can't acknowledge anybody else's success. That really is it.

Well, I was going to say your work ethic and whatever, but yeah, that too. Recently, Pete Davidson was kicking a couple hecklers out of the club. You see this? I did not. Not even hecklers. So he's on stage. One guy heckled and said something about Mac Miller, which is Ariana Grande's ex-boyfriend. What could he say?

It was something like he said, for instance, he just said something like, if you could sit down and have a dinner with one famous person, who would it be? And someone just yelled, like, Mac Miller, he just said, you know, something like, if you could sit down and have a dinner with one famous person, who would it be? And someone just yelled, like, Mac Miller, or something like that. Oh, the guy was just kind of being a dick. Yeah. Kicked him out of the club, though. And then most recently, someone was wearing an Ariana Grande shirt.

Kicked him out. Yeah, I mean, like, you know, I don't know why he's throwing them out. I mean, it's like what I would love to do to everyone who heckles, out like there really is a base honesty in that where you're like ah you're a cunt beat it you want to hurt them right um yeah like i would i'll rip your face off if i could you know if i can get away with it i'll murder you in cold blood if it was him like if somebody heckled me and another person stood up with a machete and just hacked them up like it was a fucking cartel war in rio i'd be so proud of that guy i would say don't do that sir but deep down like get him.

Free tickets to the next show. But I think also you've got to be careful not to give that shit power, too. If someone wears an Ariana Grande shirt, just make fun of it. Yeah.

It's like, guess what's going to happen at your next show, dude? Yeah. 20 more people are going to be wearing an Ariana Grande shirt. Plus the fact that Pete was dating her.

Good for Pete, man. You know what I mean? You fucking, you dated her. She's one of the hottest celebrities on earth. She's gorgeous. And you were her boyfriend for a little while. Now know what I mean? You fucking you dated her. She's one of the hottest celebrities on earth. She's gorgeous. And you were her boyfriend for a little while. Now you're going to be getting tens for the rest of your life.

Not that he wouldn't have anyway, but Kay Beckinsale is not a bad rebound. Jesus Christ, what an unpredicted rebound, too. Well, I'm actually getting a little woke to that. Because she I just realized for the first time, I went on Amazon Prime last night, I realized she just debuted a new show. And it's like she realized she just debuted a new show.

And it's like she's the star of an Amazon show. That's where this is coming from. Maybe, yeah. Maybe. I didn't think of that. I want to be part of a celebrity couple. Yeah, right? Who would you want to be?

Maybe if Laverne Cox ever gets fired. Honestly, match made in heaven. For you. I saw Laverne Cox walking through. We were at the World Series. We were in Boston. And Laverne Cox was walking through a hotel we were staying at. I forget. Whatever hotel it was.

And I was just like, I was flabbergasted. I was like, that girl is a weapon. She looked like a weapon. I've written blogs on her before, too. I'm like, Laverne Cox is hot shit. You get it. Yeah, I met her once. I don't know her. We met at this serious building one time. It was like Sandra Bullock

walking through the lobby. Everyone was turning their heads like, is that Laverne Cox? Look at her. She's working that. I think you should go for Ariana Grande, Jim. You know, if she was mad at anybody, I am a great way to get even. I would do it too.

There's too much about me out there. Like, one of her people would just whisper to her, and she would dump me. You know what I mean? She might find me charming once. Oh, he blinks a lot. But then the fucking first time somebody, she Googled me. It'll be over. We got a guy down here.

Great kid. Nice guy. Good looking enough. Works hard. He's convinced. He's like, you get me in a room with Ariana Grande. We have a couple drinks. you let me just work my game, she'd fall in love with me.

Probably not though, Jim. Probably not. That was nice of you to say, man. That type of delusion is what you need, though. I'm jealous of that. Because I'd never talk to her. At least he'd talk to her. And he would talk to her with this air about him, like, yeah, I got this. Whereas I would be hiding in the corner.

It really is. I want to try that one day. I her once I did the tonight show and her and some other guy were singing and I took a picture with her but she made the other guy stand between us no don't don't touch me yeah exactly what it was you can photoshop me in Jim how about that hey could the fucking could the blinking slug not put his fucking hands on me. This cute little field piece. So, yeah, but maybe that's, you know, Jim Norton now. Jim Norton after being in The Irishman is a different fucking story. We'll see if it goes through. I was just talking about this, too.

If it goes through, I never have faith until I'm actually in it. Right. I have a feeling I might make it in. But, you know, again, it's going to be like a peripheral back scene. It's not going to be a whatever, dude. Yeah, just anything. What the fuck ever you're with. I mean, for people who don't know, the Irishman is Scorsese, De Niro, Pacino, Keitel, Pesci, Norton.

Are you the only Irishman involved in this movie? It's true. They are all the time. He's fucking guineas making the Irishman. Who do they think they are? Appropriating my goddamn culture. I'm not thrilled about that. I'm offended.

I'm triggered. That's right. Why is that? How come actors never have to deal with cultural appropriation? That's a great point. I mean not thrilled about that. I'm offended. I'm triggered. That's right. Why is that? How come actors never have to deal with cultural appropriation? That's a great point. I mean,

they get it once in a while if you play a Native American or if you play an Asian or a Mongol. You know what the latest is? Will Smith's going to play Serena Williams' father. He's too light-skinned.

So now he's not black enough. So black people are upset about that. I'm like, boy, you can't win. I mean, if Will Smith's getting shit

for playing a black guy, I mean, I think we've really crossed a threshold there. I I get it they you know they say colorism is a thing and something I obviously cannot I mean I I'm super white I'm whiter than the average white but he's just not dark enough sorry Yafit Kodo doesn't draw like Will Smith sorry I mean the fuck do you want he's the biggest star in the country that was the big one with Matt you could play Gerald Ford if he wanted to he's the fucking he's Will Smith it was one with Matt Damon. He could play Gerald Ford if he wanted to. He's the fucking, he's Will Smith. It was, with Matt Damon

had that movie come out which I think was a piece of shit. That was terrible. The Wall. Yeah, he was supposed to play an Asian guy, right? But that was,

the Chinese company that financed the movie demanded him. And it's like, look, dude, the Chinese people who are making the movie are making,

they wanted, they wanted the, because they, I think the movie actually performed really well overseas in China. And that's what the market they were they want, they wanted, they wanted a world. Cause they would, I think the movie actually performed really well overseas in China and that's what the market they were going for. And that's what they wanted to see. It's like, look, the guys would give it to the money.

The Chinese guys giving us the money. Want him to play the Chinese guy. You're an actor. So you're acting. What's the fucking problem? Yeah. You have to be the same race. Okay.

So I do. I do. I also have to be a fucking murderer to play a murderer, but the whole bit, everyone's lost their fucking minds and none of it's real. None of it's fucking real. It's pretend. We're playing pretend, folks. You have to be black to play a black man.

Okay. You have to be male to play a male. You have to be trans to play a trans. It's these little subcategories and umbrellas that everybody stands under. And it's such a pile of shit. I feel like you actually used to get some love. Almost exclusively. The joke is if you go gay, you get an Oscar. And it's like now I feel like you're going to get in trouble. Like, you know, if you... Almost exclusively. The joke is, you know, if you go gay, you get an Oscar.

And it's like, now I feel like you're going to get in trouble for casting a straight guy in a gay role. Yeah. Or a gay guy in a straight role. Matthew McConaughey in The Spires Club. I mean, Brokeback Mountain is one of the more revered movies. Right. I bet you you'd get in trouble for that now. Plus, he doesn't really have AIDS.

Let's get someone HIV positive. Tom Hanks. Shame on you. You know, that literally happened with the new one, Kevin Hart's new movie. Oh, yeah. What was it? It was actually really great. The Upanks, shame on you. You know that literally happened with the new one, Kevin Hart's new movie. Oh, yeah, it was bullshit. What was it? It was actually really great.

The Upside. The Upside. I mean, you can't wait to see it. But Bryan Cranston plays a paraplegic and that was ableism. Oh, yeah, it really is. There's a lot of very popular paraplegic actors, zero.

You know, and by the way, Richard Dreyfuss, for whose life is it anyway, quadriplegic, I want him thrown out of the Academy. I mean, how could he? All those popular quadriplegic actors I want him thrown out of the Academy. I mean, how could he? All those popular quadriplegic actors that we're ignoring. So many to choose from.

Fucking ableism. Fuck you. I don't know how you, I mean, you come from the old guard. By the way, sorry to interrupt you. Are drug dealers mad? Because he wasn't really a drug dealer in Breaking Bad? Are fucking meth dealers complaining? Where's my job?

Yeah. Sorry. I know the ins and outs of this. I mean, you're letting it rip here and you're getting some frustration out. But for the most part, you're a guy who comes from the old guard. You come from a show that you used to do and say whatever the fuck you wanted. Absolutely. And your act is that way.

And yet, you know, you're still in the game these days. And you're still thriving, which I tip of the cap to you. Because I feel by now you would have gotten in trouble or kicked out or fired or something. So well, there's something they can take from me. Like, I mean, you could always lose your job,

but I mean, I've never pretended to be anything other than the type of comedian I am. And I'm not saying other guys are, but this is who I am. I'm pretty honest about my demons, the sexual stuff. Like, you know,

what do you want me to tell you? It's, and it's, as long as you can kind of explain why you said what you said, not that you have to be right, but if you can explain what you were trying to do or the, you know, then I think you're okay.

All right. You don't have to be right about it. There's nothing to be a polite joke. But, um, if somebody came after me and said, that's offensive. Well,

explain to me why actors don't have to punch up. Why don't only comedians have to punch up? Why do actors or authors, why can Stephen King kill children in his books and they make a mini series about it and then they just make it, now they're making the fucking part two of it, but if I do a joke about dead kids, I'm a bad guy, right? Go fuck yourself. And that's a logic that's hard for them to overcome.

So you have to just kind of look at it that way. I think you laying it out there, though, like you said, is kind of the difference. If someone who, I guess it goes back to the skeletons thing. If you present yourself as differently and then someone finds that skeleton, it's a big deal. Whereas your skeletons, it's fucking right up there. Do you think anything as differently and then someone finds that skeleton, it's a big deal. Whereas your skeletons... Do you think anything affects the fact that it looks like we're

having fun doing it, whereas Stephen King is this brooding... Yeah, just looks like serious and dark. He looks like an artist, whereas we're up there fucking around laughing. We're not up there. We're in here. You're up there. That almost gives an integrity to their complaint. No, their complaint is bullshit.

Their complaint is, I don't like what you're saying and I don't want you to be able to say it, but they can't come out that honestly because that's all it is. I don't like what you're saying. So you shouldn't be able to, that's almost too self-centered. Like nobody wants to just say that because we all feel like dicks saying that. Like, so we have to find a higher reason for it. Like we watched Ted Bundy documentaries because we like to watch a fucking psychopath talk. That's it. There's morbid curiosity. There's no higher motive. People try to find a higher motive.

Well, I'd like to learn why Ted did. Shut the fuck up. It's morbid curiosity. Stop trying to doll up your shit motives. It's okay. Yeah, you're a sick fuck too. You're a sick piece of shit. You like hearing this fucking evil genius talk.

You like hearing this guy. But when you look at what he really did, he smothered a 12-year-old in the mud. He fucking raped her and he put her face in the mud and he smothered her. So now an actor's going to play him and he's going to get an applause for it. Yeah, that is crazy. Yeah. It's fucking annoying.

That's not the tagline. You can't have that on a commercial. Tune in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. He smothered her and raped her. Let's hear him talk now. He smothered a 12-year-old after a rape. Oh, I can't wait to hear what he says.

You know what's crazy? How much chicks like that. Girls are so fascinated by the true crime stuff. I was reading an article actually just today which was pretty interesting and it was kind of explaining why women are

and it was like the prey is always more interested in the predator than the predator is in the prey. The predator knows like, look, I can just take him out. It's fine. And whereas the prey

needs to like kind of be like, okay, I need to know what they're about, how to avoid it. Almost educate yourself on it. Oh, is that the higher motive bullshit they gave to a bunch of fucking assholes

who have daddy issues writing Richard and Harris in prison they think he's cute and a bad boy that's what's going on there I'm sure I think all

it's you know I think it's a mix of all but I definitely do think where I'm like I'm intrigued by lions I'm like what would a fucking lion do to me

what should I do if I get attacked by a lion but also like I also want to see just fuck some stuff up because that revs my engine yeah it's a mental illness. We all have it, and it's okay.

Like, the idea of one, but the prey and the predator is an interesting point, too. But we just like seeing fucked up shit. There is something probably primal about it, like you want to learn what to avoid, but it's a little beyond that now. It was actually, the article I was reading wasn't even directly, it wasn't about true crime, it was about just, like, graphic novels. Not graphic novels.

Just, like, just novels with murder. So it wasn't true crime, but it was, I kind of did it. Plus fame. People are intrigued by fame too.

I mean, Ted Bundy's very famous. You don't hear fucking, you know, I mentioned Edmund Kemper. There's not a lot of people writing him in jail or Randy Kraft,

but Ted Bundy. You know, Ed Kemper's fat and ugly. He is fat and ugly. That's the difference. He's a giant dick. I'm going to guess because he's 6'9

You can ask his mom Oh that's right I know he fucked her head Fresh Edmund you're so fresh You two are sick pups man I'm just kidding I don't go for that

I don't believe you I would never fuck my mother's severed head It's got to at least be on her body still Alright Yeah I mean that's just creepy Yeah he's a He was a bad boy

But it was just the fame angle, too. Like, you look at R. Kelly, he's still getting people protecting him. Michael Jackson, man. I was talking about the documentary after it came out this week, and the amount of people I have on my Twitter just being like,

it was a setup. He never got convicted. Oh, really? The fucking super rich, powerful guy with the best lawyers in the world got off? That's never happened before. Oh, the person wouldn't come forward because he got paid $25 million.

Fucking shocking. Yeah, I think he's guilty. The documentary was flawed, though, because I didn't like that they didn't interview people from his camp. Yeah, you got to get... That guy, he addressed that. Oh, they did ask.

They said, oh, okay. But he also said this was not about Michael Jackson. This is about these two and their families, so I only focused on them. I'm like, well, that's kind of... Part two was boring. I didn't care. I mean, not that I didn't care about the father committing suicide, but that was not... It was about Michael Jackson. That is about these two and their family, so I only focused on them. I'm like, well, that's kind of part two is boring. I didn't care. I mean, not that I didn't care about the father committing suicide, but that was not it was about Michael

Jackson. That's sick. It's like, hey, listen, man, you can touch on care about you. Yeah, but the story is Michael Jackson. You know, it was the most fucked up thing of all. They did a little like an interview afterwards, like a round table. And the one kid said, the one guy said when he was a kid, he was afraid that Michael Jackson was going to turn

into the werewolf from Thriller. He was seven years old and thought that was real. Like, that's how young he was a kid, he was afraid that Michael Jackson was going to turn into the werewolf from Thriller. He was seven years old and thought that was real. That's how young he was and all that shit was going on. He thought he was going to become a fucking werewolf and Michael Jackson was having sex with him. Some fucked up shit, man. I think he probably liked kids.

I think so too, Jim. He's like, I would never hurt a child. But he probably didn't think he was hurting them. And I'm not excusing that fucking sick behavior, but he seemed like a lot of those pedos really think that the kids love them. Doing them a favor, yeah. Well, yeah.

Giving them money and happiness. And yeah, yeah. Fucking crazy shit. Yeah, it really is. I think he was, someone told me he was probably trans. I agree. I think he was trans.

Getting all that facial feminization surgery. He was definitely a- And before, you know, a time where you really couldn't. Long before. Right. Yeah. You do that now, and you're probably, you know, a hero. Or, you know a time where you really couldn't long before right yeah you do that now and it would probably you know a hero or you know you sell

more records or yeah uh any good was there interactions at all with uh scorsese and de niro and all those guys or you know was it you know i've interacted with yeah you know i mean he's like slapped you on the ass or something yeah spank my little hiney and uh he's invited me to his christmas party you know what i mean? He introduced me to Christopher Walken at his Christmas party. It was so weird. I'm standing there talking to him about the book, The Irishman. And Walken comes in and he goes, Chris, you know, Jim Norton's a comic. And he goes, it was so weird that I was talking.

It was The Deer Hunter. You know what I mean? It was fucking very surreal. He introduced me to Keitel at that same thing. Because this girl was going to get a picture. I didn't get a picture with Keitel. I wish I had. But it was De Niro's, like, family Christmas party. And this girl was, like, a picture. I didn't get a picture with Keitel, I wish I had, but it was De Niro's like family Christmas party

and this girl's like getting a picture with De Niro and Keitel and I was talking to De Niro and he goes, come here, come here, come here,

and he brings me in to the picture with him and Keitel so I'm so happy I fucked up this lady's photo because now she'll have to go, look who it is and I don't know

who he is. It's De Niro. The most famous people and this guy. Yeah, it's fucking, it's Mean Streets and it's fucking, I don't know, what the fuck, taxi driver, I don't know who he is. It's De Niro. The most famous people. Yeah, it's fucking, it's Mean Streets and it's fucking, I don't know. What the fuck? Taxi driver?

I don't know. This idiot. That's a good crew to roll with, man. De Niro's a good point man to be down with, I'd imagine. And he's been really nice. I haven't seen him in probably a year. Here's the thing with a guy like that. You have to realize when the relationship is over

you interact with him and you do something but you can't just keep it going because he is who he is so he moves on to a whole new set of people who are in love with him and happy to see him if you do that and you accept that then when you see the person it's nice you can't just keep pursuing and I don't mean the relationship is over negatively

but they're busy you can't just go hey am I going to hang out with lunch with Bob? No, you're not. Send me a Christmas card this year. It was lovely. Thanks. Maybe I'll see him next year. Maybe I won't.

That's how it is with guys like that. But I feel like that's why he's- That's how it should be with all guys anyway. That's how it is with me and just my friends. Yeah. See you when I see you. I'll see you when I see you. It'll be a blast.

No, but I want dinner with De Niro. I want time alone with Bob. I feel like there's a reason why he's invited you to the party though and shit and taking pictures with you is because you treat him like that. Yeah. Maybe a lot of guys who do what you're doing, they're handling it that way. You probably hate the people who don't do that.

Yeah. And he's such a famous guy. So even people who are working like on a Scorsese set, they're not blown away because they've seen him before. And it's Martin Scorsese, but anywhere else, like people still realize this is who he is. It's De Niro.

I was outside on a scene in the Comedian. I had a very small scene. I was talking to Edie Falco, who, again, I love. I don't know her, but I love her. We were talking about it. She goes, yeah, it's De Niro. Even she, after being such a genius in The Sopranos for seven years, it was happy to be working with her. Nobody is not...

Let's take the guys like McCartney. Who walks in and sees McCartney? Hey, Paul. years, it was happy to be working with De Niro. Nobody is not... You know, a guy... Let's take guys like McCartney. Who walks in and sees McCartney? Hey, Paul. Or maybe... Everyone. Who says that? Jagger can say that to McCartney.

Chuck Berry could have before he died. Guys like that can walk into a room and see Keith Richards and not be blown away. Hey, man. There's very few people that can look eye to eye with De Niro. Right. Everyone else, like a quiet hush. Yeah. To one knee, yeah.

When you meet them for the first time, someone like that, like a Pesci or Keitel or anybody, right? Do you get nervous? Yes.

Dude, I hate people who say that. We're like, I'll have friends say to me like, Oh, you interviewed

fucking Luke Bryan the other day. Like, did you get starstruck? I'm like, yeah,

a little bit. Like, Oh, I don't get starstruck. I'm like, fuck you, you've never been

around. What fucking celebrities do you meet? You don't have an opportunity to be starstruck. Dude, they meet you don't have an opportunity to do they they fucking their shit's the same shut up i know one leg at a time it's also a matter of like

oh what so one time you you know you were coming out of the door and he was coming in and and you bumped into him versus like i was i had to sit with him and like try to entertain him and fucking be interesting of course it's nerve-wracking you're fucking you're very nervous about it and even if you just walked out the door, you hit your friends immediately after. You're like, holy shit. Yeah. Is that fucking white thing? Only fucking natural.

Just admit it, man. Sometimes being, I had to interview, you know, Ozzy Osbourne is my favorite person ever. And they, this record company, he did an album called Scream in 2010. And they asked me, would you interview Ozzy? It's a one-on-one interview. And they were going to cut it up and give it out to commercial radio stations to promote his record. And I'm like, sure, because Sharon likes me a lot i hadn't done interviewed ozzy before but this was just gonna be me and him for an hour and i was so fucking petrified i said yes

of course but i've never prepared for i had six pages of notes just in case you hit that lull and then we sat down and just started talking about i think it being sober whatever it was and and it was just amazing and relaxed but the initially going in fuck yeah i was nervous get over that hump and then i realized yeah you look down at the notes having them help me a little bit but i talked about this too with the idea of being with deniro and pesci in a scene sometimes you're so fucking blown away by something that you stop being nervous because you're so past like and and I said this on another show but it's like one inch to the left and I would have

been, I forget how I said it I just said it an hour ago and I can't remember but I was basically saying that you're in that perfect numb zone of being so paralyzed that you're okay, you're not nervous like one inch beyond it and I would have been too scared to do it, do you know what I mean? I couldn't have performed if I was one inch more nervous.

But the fact that I was there, I was just completely numb. And you do it, and then you're like, after, like, holy fuck, I did that. You know what I mean? I can't fucking believe that was so good. Right, right. He's like, I blacked out. You went away, you kind of blacked out, and you kick into autopilot and just, you know, and perform. And do your job and talk.

Like, there's been times I'm talking, I'm floating. I'm not here. I'm not your job and talk. Like this is what I'm talking about. I'm floating. I'm not here. I'm not casually talking to Ozzy like an equal. I'm not an equal. It's fucking Ozzy. I used to call Jet Records in 1981. I would call Jet Records in England and go, can I meet Ozzy Osbourne?

They're like, no, no, asshole. Hang up. My friend, Adam Katz, that I went to school with, his aunt had an Ozzy autograph and he brought it in and showed me. And the fact that he had a piece of paper that Ozzy Osbourne had touched I was out of my fucking mind yeah man it was again 1981-82 and then you know you fast forward a bunch of years and I'm having a

conversation with him for an hour you know sometimes that's the part of it that's surreal yeah well I'm surprised to even hear that you're still even nervous because you're such a natural at it you've been doing it for so long thank you there's times when you're not if you don't care about the person like I've met people I don't give a fuck you know there's a certain level you get to it depends on what they mean to you like there's times I've talked not, if you don't care about the person. Like, I've met people I don't give a fuck. You know, there's a certain level you get to. It depends on what they mean to you.

Like, there's times I've talked to people, like, you know, I'm not nervous interviewing wrestlers because I don't really know a lot of, I'm not so comfortable with those guys. You know, or a lot of times you have sea fighters and I'm not, you know. Well, that's what's funny is, like, if you could just bottle that and always apply that,

you know what I mean? It's just like, Luke Bryan was in here, the mega country star. I don't really know country, so I was like, hey, what's up, bud? If I could just always make sure I act that way, I could talk to anybody in the world, but you can't fake it.

It depends on what they mean. I had to interview Sabbath in 2013. It was, you know, this is Brad Wilk was on the record on 13, and it was a live thing in front of like 500 people. It was the album premiere. So I was on a lot, because Tony Iommi was in England getting cancer treatment.

So I was live on stage with Ozzy and Geezer Butler. And on the fucking monitor was Brad Wilk and Tony Iommi. So I had to interview all four of them. You know, three of the four are really Sabbath. One being on a monitor in front of 500 people, and it went out live on YouTube, and a lot of people were watching, and it was the premiere of The Rock.

And there was so fucking much to it, but it just went off comfortably because it was so overwhelming. You know what I mean? Like, I knew that if I froze, everybody was gonna, like, the ways I could have been humiliated. Do you know what I mean?

It would have been like fucking unfiltered. There's no way to fake your dick being limp, you fucking ugly nothing. Well, I think you're a fucking star at it, man. So you sell yourself short. So the movie will be out and I think you're

going to be in it, pal. I got a good feeling about it. As being in it, and I want to get invited to the premiere. See Jim, stand up live at Orlando Improv,

March 15th and 16th, see him at Cobbs in San Francisco, April 4th to 6th. Yes, thank you guys very much. Absolutely, man. Thank you.

Really fun. You got time for a shoot a quick video? Sure, buddy.