KFC Radio - Jimmy Carr, When Will Gronk Unretire, and the Invisible Work of Women

Episode Date: March 26, 2019

Jimmy Carr (59:54) comes through to roast Feits, tell us that ghosts aren't real, and why atheists are so smug. Gronk announces his retirement so KFC is preparing for him to comeback just in time for the playoffs to help the Pats win another Super Bowl. Is a woman's work invisible? Is a man's? Should KFC freeze his sperm and get a vasectomy? Which si worse, teacher's or the service industry? Voicemaisl include: Dinosaur Girl update, keeping condoms, and how to not get ignored.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode of KFC Radio is brought to you by Simply Safe. The best in the biz when it comes to protecting you, and your family, and your loved ones, and your dog, and your possessions, and everything that you keep inside your house. There is a burglary every eight seconds in America. And that's why you need to make sure you have the best in-home security. That's too many.

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I mean, they didn't even have like a montage or anything? I don't think so. This tournament's been so fucking bad. But for some reason, I've watched a ton of it. I don't know why. I've watched Thursday night. I watched a good amount of the game Thursday. I watched a good amount of games Friday. I watched a fair amount Saturday and Sunday.

I think I watched every game. I don't know why I watched so many games. I thought for sure that it was just me. I've been telling everyone how my interest in college basketball just continues to decline over the years and how it's such a shame because I used to love it. And I still love the first weekend of the tournament. Like you said, I still

watch it. I still get all... It's all about the feeling and then when I'm actually watching the games, I'm like, it's not quite like it used to be. But particularly bad this year. And I was like, wow, man, I'm just not that interested in this anymore. And then I kind of got the vibe from everybody that they were all feeling like, oh, yeah, these matchups have stunk. These games have stunk, but the ratings are the highest they've ever been.

Really? They're 8% higher than last year, which was the highest it's ever been. Interesting. So on the rise. But I'm done with it. Otherwise. I'm not done with March Madness. I'm done with brackets.

Okay, Darren Revell. You're out on brackets? Yeah, but like, Revell, brackets don't mean anything. Brackets are the stupidest thing. Like, they're a relic of time past. Like, brackets make, because there are only two reasons to do anything in this whole entire world. Okay. One, for money.

Uh-huh. Two, to tell the story. Okay. One, for money. Uh-huh. Two, to tell the story. Okay. You're not going to win your fucking bracket. No. And no one wants to hear you talk about your fucking bracket. So have you seen my bracket? Do you know how I'm doing right now?

Uh-huh. Yeah, neither do I. I haven't looked at it once. I just paid $50 and filled out a bracket in three minutes. I'm going to say this. There's a third reason to do things, and it's bragging rights. And I do think people like to brag. Oh, yeah?

Who won the bracket last year? I don't know. But in the moment, they were bragging. Were they? I don't know. Casey won $1,800. Don't care. There are bragging rights, not with the barstool pool.

But, dude, we don't care about this stuff. We don't do fantasy sports. We don't gamble. There are people who will just sit around and constantly. But if you tweet your bracket rate, like, what's happening, people will tell you, shut the fuck up. So why are you doing it? Yeah, but they all do that. It's like the same, like, everyone says the same thing about fantasy sports.

Everything says the same thing about your gambling shit. But largely people don't talk about their fantasy sports anymore either. Oh, I don't know about that. I mean, there's not in that world. But, like, oh, oh, I need this player. I mean, maybe we're not in that world, but maybe people do it individually, but I live online. So online, if you do it, you're shamed.

Maybe people are like their little fucking friend groups in college are talking about it, but on the internet, you're not because you're fucking friends. You're told to shut the hell up. Fucking friend group. Yeah, I don't have one of those, so fuck it. But there's no reason to fill out a bracket for me. None whatsoever. And even, like, I have Duke winning it all.

What, do you think I wasn't rooting for UCF? Yeah, but you better be. So your bracket doesn't fucking mean anything. There's no point in it. That's where my beef is. The amount of people who are not hating Duke properly is, they've got me fucking going I get that Zion's good people like how could you root against Zion what you can't root against

someone because they're good since when is that I mean I don't root against Zion but I root against Duke I root against them if they get a really good recruit I root against them I like Zion Williamson I wanted Duke to lose that absolutely 100 Absolutely. A hundred percent. I think everyone did. I think, I think, I think it's a lot, very largely people wanted that. I don't know, man. The amount of people I saw rooting for Zion as opposed to against Duke is

concerning. I don't think, I think I have, I saw a flat zero people. Rooting for Zion? Rooting for Duke to win that game. If you're rooting for Zion, you're rooting for Duke.

But I mean, I don't think anyone was like, come on, Zion, win this game. I think I saw... Oh, yes. I saw a lot of people doing that. Like the Zion stands? I don't know what you're talking about. You don't know about people rooting for Zion? I mean, I know people like Zion. I don't know. I've never seen someone...

I've never had someone... I don't talk about college basketball much, but... I've never had someone I mentioned, but I've also never seen anyone online. The only thing that should happen when Duke basketball is playing, unless you root for Duke, you should be rooting against them. That should be the only commentary you have. It should be the only feelings you have.

No, I think it's the separation between you want Duke to lose and also, holy shit, Zion Williamson can jump high. Yeah, but that's different. If you're talking about just remarking on his ability, sure. If you are wanting to see him in crunch time, if that's where your brain is when UCF is coming down the stretch and you're not thinking about this kid Dawkins

who's about to pull off the biggest upset, or Taco Fallon now and he needs to be in to fucking win this game. The world needs to stay united against Duke no matter who plays for Duke. The poll I put up said, do you hate Duke? 47% said yes. 31% said not this year because of Zion. That's disgusting. 31%.

That's a huge chunk of people. And 22% just said no. Oh, my. So the majority of people like Duke now is what you're telling me. Only 47% say no? 47% said they hate Duke. Right. And then an additional 31% said that they do hate Duke,

but not this year because of Zion. I guess I never really hated Duke. I don't follow college sports enough to really care. That's like, oh, I don't hate the Yankees anymore because they have Aaron Judge. What? I mean, a team, I said this about the Yankees two years ago, I think. A team does have to, you can't just, I won't just

blindly hate, like, a team has to have a... You just have to blindly hate! That's what life is about! Blindly hate! A team has to have a dislikeability factor. Yeah, they're the Yankees. They're Duke. Mike Krzyzewski. Cameron Crazies. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Who plays for them? Why do you hate Cameron Crazies?

Because they're all fucking asshole, weasel, little Duke kids. What's likable about those kids? I don't know. They're loud and passionate. I care about that fan base. If you're bringing the noise... I'm not saying they're bad fans. I'm saying they're all like they're like that MAGA kid who everybody hated. That's Duke fans. I don't have're all like they're like that MAGA kid who everybody hated. That's Duke fans.

I don't have an image of a Duke fan. Yeah, they're usually like Laker fans and Yankee fans and Duke fans. I think that's I think that is like vegans. I don't think that's true.

We've even been told by people how around here there's no vegans but everywhere else vegans are exactly what the stereotype is. But I've never met one. I know, but just because you don't know them doesn't mean it's not that way. But I don't interact with them, so I can't hate them. Okay, you don't have to hate them. But everything that they are, they're all like the spoiled lacrosse kids. The innocent spoiled lacrosse kids. No, no, I'm not talking about the team. I'm the spoiled lacrosse kids. The innocent spoiled

lacrosse kids. No, I'm not talking about the team. I'm talking about lacrosse kids. Just people who play a sport? Yes. They're like the preppy, waspy... You're describing me. So, I guess I

side with my brethren. I guess. I don't think you as... I mean, I went to prep school. I had a lot of lacrosse friends. I guess. I don't think he was as... I mean, I went to prep school. I had a lot of lacrosse friends. Yeah. I played lacrosse for a year. It was too easy, so I quit. Yeah, you might be worse than that.

You might be worse than the lacrosse kids. I lit it up. I was a top scorer on the JV team my sophomore year when I transferred in. And I was like, this sport's so fucking easy. So I went over to baseball, hit 575 my junior year, whatever. I can't believe I even have to defend hating Duke. What has the world come to?

Like if, if I catch you like in the Yankees next, like we're done, dude. I mean, that's obviously not going to happen. It's the same shit. So this says that like 80, 78% of people do hate Duke. According to this poll, this very scientific Twitter poll that I put up two hours ago. But I mean, a lot of people still hate it. You're just mad that. To see that 31% are like, well, I usually hate them, but not anymore because this kid's good.

The fuck are we talking about? But Zion's not, I mean, Zion's perfect. Zion's a perfect player. Perfect soundbite. There's one huge flaw. I can see not rooting against Duke. Like, since what? I can't.

I just don't even get what we're talking about. But do you really have a burning passion? Because you don't really watch college sports like me. I don't have a burning passion for Duke. I want to see the top lose. So I wanted UCF to win that game. But I don't have a burning hatred for Duke. I mean, as far as my college basketball fanhood, it is

probably rooting against Duke is the only thing I've done consistently my whole life. I would never ever consider rooting for Duke, but at the same time, I usually hate Duke because of Grayson Allen. Guys like that. That's what I mean. There's no hateability. Zion Williamson is a guy that I expect to go to UNC. Yes, well,

Coley calls them Kentucky in Duke uniforms, which makes sense, but I don't care. I hate Krzyzewski. Always have. I hate their fans. Always have. They got a really good player. Still hate them. I don't mind Krzyzewski either. I won't stick up for them. They usually have good players.

But they have ones you can hate. There's no one to hate on this Duke team. Root against the team on the front. The name on the front. I am. I'm rooting against the team on the front. The name on the front. I am. I'm rooting against the team on the front, but I'm just not hating them. I wanted them to lose. I just don't hate them.

You got it. I mean, you know, if you're going to do something, do it all the way. If you're going to root against someone, fucking root against them. I did. I was like, oh, I hope they lose. If you want them to lose, make sure you say you fucking hate them. Fucking goddamn Duke. Goddamn fans.

31%. Not anymore. These people, you know, they don't have hate in their heart. If you can do that, you don't have true hate in your heart. But there are special players that can transcend hate. Zion apparently is one of them. The other one, Rob Gronkowski, who like,

you know, hate his team team hate him on the field hate watching him will love not watching him but he's all right he's he's all right he's the biggest freak even just last night I was actually I teared up but I was just going through just his highlights and stuff like that I I mean, it's crazy. When he gets inducted, if he stays retired, which is probably not going to happen, a higher than 50% chance it doesn't happen. But if he stays retired, he'll be younger than you

when he's inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame. Right now. That's an unnecessary stat to throw out. How crazy is that? Did not need the listeners to talk about that that's it that's an insane thing that he'll be it feels like gronk played 100 years in the nfl he played nine i know but even nine i mean when you think about it it's like it's such a short it's a short career but like you know we've been doing this gronk thing for a decade right yeah but the

legends are usually yeah i guess it feels long you know great brady's been too right uh but again he's a freak too. But I'll never forget the first time I met Gronk. We were at, I forget what restaurant it was in Boston. And I shook his hand. And I have little hands. But it was the only time. They're fat.

I wouldn't call them little. But it was the only time I've ever been in golf. Like he went to my elbow and I was like, I got pause. I get it. You're a freak. Everything about him is just first time I met him. He was on the fucking ice with a torn MCL.

Right. I was like, we are going to ruin this guy in Barstool sports. I was actually kind of secretly like, would it be great if Barstool sports was responsible for the downfall of Rob, the Patriots, but the, uh But it sucked.

The worst thing about it, for my selfish reason, aside from Super Bowls, because I think he'll be back for a Super Bowl run, the worst thing about it is I look like such an asshole. Because I saw Saturday night, I happened to be out, and I was in Brooklyn, and I saw what I would I happened to be out. And I was in Brooklyn. And I saw what I would consider a very reliable source. Pretty close to the Gronkowski clan. It's a she.

It is not Camille. But I saw her out. And we were kind of talking. And I was like, so what's the deal? Is he coming back or what? Tell me. And she kind of gave me a sly smile and went, he wants one more ring. And I immediately, this is probably like midnight, 1230, something like that,

immediately texted 50 people probably. Oh, no. I was like, he's coming back. Get the plane ready. I'll see you in fucking Miami. Let's go. Oh, my God. You asshole. 12 hours later, he officially retired.

Holy shit. Did you just get blown the fuck up? Blown up. I had my dad call me yelling at me. Yeah. Because in his friend group text. He did the same thing. No, he did it even worse. In his friend group text, he got a text from someone after Gronk had announced his retirement

saying Gronk just retired. And my dad goes, no, no, no. I got a source. I got a source that says he's coming back. They're like, you fucking asshole. He literally has announced his retirement. Well, unfortunately for me, I think the final Bergman will be you can can play this card in, let's say, late December. Right. You know, he'll be like, I told you

he was coming back. Told you he wants one more ring. Because here's what's happening, man. I love Rob. Rob. I think he's very funny, impersonable. He ain't gonna be a major actor or a major wrestler or in the booth the way people are acting.

No, he certainly won't be in the booth. But you know what? Now that I think about it, I guess. What's his contract? Because I heard he has a from Mike Giardi. He said that whose NFL network now used to be NBC Sports Boston. He said. He said from his understanding, Gronk had signed before the Super Bowl.

Gronk had signed his contract for TV. In what capacity? Like maybe like a Tony Saragusa thing? It didn't specify the tweet. I don't, you know, like I said, he's a funny guy and personal and shit. But like, he's not like some polished, you know polished you know like oh this guy's going like a rod but you're going straight to the fucking no no no no i don't i know i don't think that i i would think i would think wrestling as well but yeah but and so even that is like you know mojo

rowley is like not really like kind of in the picture anymore maybe he will be with grong maybe that like that'll be the thing but But even the best main wrestlers, I don't even know that he... Rock's kind of a dopey guy. You've got to be really a performer with it. You know what I mean? He's not like an actor. He's a football player who happens to be personable.

Wrestlers are like actors. The Rock is like a fucking showman. You know what I mean? So I think he's going to do things here and there. But people are like, oh, you know, the Gronkowski brand is like, but why? What does that mean? People like people really like you. But, you know, yeah, really well liked.

And it doesn't mean. Yeah. And like I'm sure. And so I'm sure I'll do bit pieces here and there. But I don't think enough to have like a second career. So my point being, when he gets the call, I don't think he's going to be like, sorry. Sorry, Tom. Can't do it.

I'm on location filming two movies and a fucking TV show. You know what I mean? I think he's going to be ready to play football. I think he's going to be one of these guys who's like, once his body heals up, once he doesn't have to go through all the training camp, fucking 16 weeks of football. We're going to keep the fucking Deckers away from him. That's step one of Patriots. I mean, why would you come out of retirement when that is what retirement is?

I mean, like, I knew. By the way, do you know who else was on that trip? Sam Hunt and his girlfriend are in the background. Oh, really? They're like the extra couple. Sam Hunt and his girl. That's crazy. I mean, when you're hanging out with the Deckers, Sam Hunt and his lady, and it's you and Camille, I don't give a fuck if Tom Brady calls you

and begs you and pays you. I'm good, bro. Especially when you only have three. What's four? what's five if you're going if you're like for Brady and you're like running up the score you're like getting records like I want to beat Jordan I want to like fine the difference between three and four it's like I'm gonna stay in the boat with the with the pretty girls in the booth pretty boys but what about what about say it's week 14 that's that's when I think he'd probably

come back around then is there any rule about about what time you have to be back? I don't think so. People sign kickers all the fucking time. I think if you're a playoff roster, I think you can come whenever you want. Which will be a rule change. As soon as the Patriots do it. It will absolutely be a rule change.

But say it's week 14. The Patriots will give you six million dollars to come play five football games and when you put in those terms who could ever say no to that

and it's also the best most fun important football and the Patriots are going to be good of course the Patriots

are going to be really good again this year from all Patriots you heard it here first all Patriots like Boston heard it here first. All Patriots, like Boston media guys who are always pessimistic about the Patriots.

They said last year was the year to step on our neck. We're ready to go again. We reloaded. Yeah, motherfucker. And the main reason I think he's coming back is because it's like this is how it goes. This is like me and my relationship with the Patriots. I think he's coming back is because it's like this is how it goes. This is like me

me and my relationship with the Patriots. The breakup's not going to be quick and easy. It's going to be like, I'm sure Brady will do this at one point or something where it's like he's going to retire. Oh, I know he's back. It's like the Seinfeld rocking over a Coke can. The Patriots dynasty doesn't end in just

one. They're already starting that by the way. First take and stuff That's what I'm saying They've all been saying it and it hasn't happened And now Gronk has done something Where the coke machine is Really about to tip And he's going to come back and it goes back forward

And we gotta keep on swinging it Until we actually get this motherfucking Dynasty done So he'll be back I mean I have literally keep on swinging it until we actually get this motherfucking dynasty done. It's, yeah, so he'll be back. I mean, I have literally like no doubts in my mind that you will see Rob Gronkowski play football again. Just not as many games,

which is a start. I've been preaching that for six years. I think they're just going to formalize Keep him in a fucking padded room until January. I think they're going to formalize what's already kind of been happening. You know what I mean? Although I guess it is,

uh, I guess Drew Rosenhouse said, first of all, Drew Rosenhouse said on get up on ESPN this morning, he said, look, if Tom Brady calls him at the end of the season and says, look,

we need you. So he'll probably come back. I mean, Drew Rosenhouse, he's already putting it out there. Yeah. So it's not gonna be like breaking news when that happens. But then later,

I think I forget on a different ESPN show. He did say, I presented Rob with a plan where he would avoid. It was basically like he'd avoid OTAs. Yeah. So it's still a full season of football. Right. And he said Rob was not interested in that. He just wanted to retire.

Well, because regular season football is like OTAs. Right. It's like, I don't want to play the Bills and the Jets and these games that don't matter, but I still get beat up. You know what I mean? It's like, it still matters to my back and my fucking legs and everybody tearing me down all the time. So, like, call me for the AFC Championship game.

That's the other thing, too, is like, it's not even that many games because we're going to have a bye. So, you know what I mean? Yeah, you'll play three games. It's done. You'll play three, four games. Yeah. Like, that's incredible.

I fucking love that. I mean, he was the most influential football player in history, I think, who was not a quarterback. Probably a fair assessment. I'm sure some old school guys would get on my defense on the defensive side. I think Lawrence Taylor changed defense completely, or they had to change offense completely because of him, sure. But watching people now talk about Gronk, where it was like,

if you put Travis Kelsey, George Kittle, and then they start listing fucking linemen like John Hanna, if you somehow smashed them all together, you almost have Rob Gronkowski. I was watching just his old highlights and shit. He was the only guy who I've ever seen who, the moment he touched the ball, the crowd stood. Because we knew that meant he had the ball,

that meant someone was about to try and tackle him. They were going to fail doing that, and it was just going to be an awesome end zone dance. And we're like, all right, here it comes! I don't know why people can't separate career numbers and longevity from just peak dominance. If you want to say he didn't he's not the best tight end ever because like rob grokowski did not have the best tight end career

ever like like i mean i just played like twice as long as him so but like our super bowl's not factored into career oh yeah i mean you know depending on whatever metrics you want champion yeah yeah but i i get that you know he didn, by a long shot, the most receptions, the most this, that games played, all that shit. In their first ten seasons played, nine seasons played, Rob Gronkowski is number five in all-time receptions per game. Touchdown receptions per game. Number one is Jerry Rice.

Two is Randy Moss. All the top-notch receivers. He's the next guy. He's the only guy. He's the only one. So, yeah, even by some metrics, I'm sure he is statistically better. But, like, also you can just kind of throw out, like, all right, and even if you want to include longevity, like, yeah, he got injured and other guys didn't.

I don't know. All I know is that when he did play, it looked better than any tight end I've ever seen. So, I don't know. It was, like, let me pull this one up real quick. They were, and also, like, you were discussing tight ends, right? So, don't tell me Tony Gonzalez was just a big wide receiver who lined up on the offensive line.

Yeah. Rob Gronkowski was also an incredible blocker. Right. Probably the best blocking tight end ever. Right. Rob actually did the fucking, the full package. Right. There was, I mean, he was, he was everything.

But there was one stat I saw the other night. God damn it. I hate these fucking guys. There it was. As soon as, I remember as soon as I mean, he was, he was everything, but there was one stat I saw the other night. God damn it. I hate these fucking guys. As soon as I remember, as soon as I saw him get drafted, he put the helmet on and he was like up on stage. I was like, fuck this guy. This guy is no doubt going to be in my nightmares for the next decade. And that's like almost exactly how long it was.

All right. List of players with 70 receiving touchdowns in their first eight seasons. One, Jerry Rice. Two, Randy Moss. Three, Marvin Harrison. Four, Terrell Owens. Five, Rob Gronkowski. Six, Calvin Johnson.

Seven, Dez Bryant. Eight, Larry Fitzgerald. They're the only ones. Gronk played 20 games less than all of them. And he's a tight end. And he's blocking half the fucking time. Disgusting. Those are the best wide receivers in NFL history.

Somehow I think he's actually become underrated because people are now saying he wasn't that good. It's like people are making the case for Tony Gonzalez and shit. It's like, you goddamn idiots. I mean, that's one of those things. I used to feel this way briefly with the Phillies. I remember when the Phillies were kind of coming of age against the Mets in 06. The Mets had their shot. And I remember people, when the Phillies made their World Series run, people were like, nah, the Rays are good, the Phillies aren't that good.

And I was like, I've been watching these guys all fucking year. You know, like, when you really watch a team, like, they were in the NL East, I was watching them against the Mets, I was like, these fucking guys are good. And I know that the Phillies are not used to it, but I swear, if you watch them, you know, I don't think these people who are talking really understand it. When you really watch the Patriots, especially from, like, the hating point of view, then you really understand. Just multiply that by 15 years.

That's what's been going on. Then you really understand how good someone is. You can't even appreciate them when you root for them. You really appreciate them when you root against them. When everybody knows it's coming, when everybody knows the guy it's going to, you cannot stop it. When it's 3rd and 10,

he's going to Gronk, he needs to keep his drive alive, it's going to, and you cannot stop it. When it's third and 10, he's going to Gronk. He needs to keep this drive alive. He's going to. And then right after that third and 10, it's going to be a 25-yard pass right down the middle into the end zone for the game-winning touchdown. Those two things are going to happen right fucking now, and then they just did every time. Then you understand the impact of Gronk.

You just look at his final drive or his final real drive. I mean, that was vintage Gronk. That was vintage Brady. That's actually why I felt like he did it in the AFC championship game where he played every single snap. And then in the Super Bowl, it just felt like a guy who was like, I'm leaving it all out there until like Christmas. December 20, let's say 6, it'll be like, oh, you know, extra Christmas present, Gronk's back. And people are saying Brady wouldn't rip gronk out of retirement and they're gonna i mean they're they're genuine friends they really like each other you know like you have a conversation that

video of of uh gronk and vivi like hi gronky like if your kids have a nickname for somebody that person's a very cool he's like shrek to them you know he's probably like hanging out with them playing and shit so like i mean if brady I'm sure they'll be talking throughout the year. If Brady sees that he's very happy and loves his life and has no second guessing, he probably won't ask him to come back. But if Gronk's talking to him every Monday like, God, it looked awesome out there. Come week 12, week 13, he might be like,

Bro, you want to come back? It feels like a triple frontier when they go to Ben Affleck. They're like, you want to go? He's like, no, frontier when they go to Ben Affleck and they're like, you want to go? He's like, no, I'm done with live action. I told her I'm done, man. He's like, Camille, I told her I'm not going to go into war anymore. Well, you know, there's $6 million waiting for you. Okay, let's do it.

God damn it. Fuck Zion and fuck Gronk. Happy congratulations. Fucking happy retirement. We got Jimmy Carr coming up on the show. A very witty Irishman. He roasted us. Scott or an Irishman?

Born in Ireland. Raised in England. So, yeah, he just roasted us. Even though he was the one dressed ridiculous. He was dressed. He's always wearing a suit and tie every time I see him. He was in. That shirt was straight up silly.

It was. It was. I've told this story before, I think, where we bet my friend he couldn't wear a shirt for... Like a month straight without washing it. It was his dad or his uncle got it for him in Vegas, this orange awful shirt with a big dragon on it. And we just kept spilling shit on him. It was very much like... Just minus the spills.

Yeah, right. We didn't dump mayonnaise on him on purpose. Yeah, Jimmy Carr came came in made fun of us uh stupidly said he doesn't believe in the supernatural that was stupid a lot of dumb things coming out of that guy's mouth so we get to that uh first we got to do some voicemails they're brought to you by free fly nothing worse than when your shirt is sticky plasticky sticking to your skin you're sweaty it's weighing you down. Wouldn't you rather wear something that's extremely comfortable,

performs great, and will not hold you back? Freefly sent me, I don't know if you got one as well, sent me a package the other day. It might as well have been from God himself. The boxers and that long sleeve tee? First of all, the boxers, I just, one more day not doing laundry. Perfect. I was out of underwear. It's always like it's a gift from the heavens oh fuck yeah you were about to wear the pair

that like it's too small or like old or it's wrinkly falling down the waistband I had one waist it's like you're just wearing like a burlap sack under there yeah I gotta pull it up and tighten the belt around it what are we even wearing

so I had that one pair left they could have been made out of nails and I still would have worn them I got to pull it up and then tighten the belt around it. What are we even wearing? So I had that one pair left. So, I mean, these might have, they could have been made out of nails and I still would have worn them. But they were incredibly comfortable. And the shirt, let me tell you about the shirt. I haven't put it on yet, but it sounds like it does wonders. I mean, I was flexing in the mirror straight up. I looked great in the shirt.

I looked really, really good. Like the long sleeve tee, right? Yeah, that's what I got too. I mean, I don't know if I'm going to look good in it, but I'm certainly going to feel good. I was just standing in front of the shirt. Wow. I look really, really good. You like the long-sleeved tee, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I got, too. I mean, I don't know if I'm going to look good in it, but I'm certainly going to feel good because it is soft. I was just standing in front of the mirror like this. Just like, oof. Boy, you pop it. My arms crossed.

Chest flex, like Superman pose. I was crushing it. Well, let me tell you, they're made out of bamboo. I don't know how that works. I would never look at bamboo and be like, that looks like it's going to make into a soft t-shirt. Yeah. But it did.

It did. It does. Butter soft, they call them. It's actually, you know, technically. Oh, that's like way cooler now that I know that. Yeah, bamboo comfort. I thought it was just nice. It's awesome. going to make into a soft t-shirt yeah but it did it does it butter soft they call them uh it's actually you know technically that's like way cooler now that i know that yeah bamboo comfort it's nice it's awesome i mean technically this is made for the outdoorsman free fly fly fishing guys from montana came up with it yeah so is flannel guess what like hot exactly so like this says you know a brother from montana who fly fishes and his sister who works for nike put it

together and made this all well and good yeah you're the weekend warrior the active type it's you're gonna look good and it's gonna wick moisture wick and perform well and all that stuff it even has a natural sun protection built into it uh oh shout out chaps that doesn't matter to me it's soft it's soft and it looks good so if you're a fly fisher go for it this is This is what's up. I mean, Chaps can use this as a beach shirt. Sure. He can use it as a beach shirt. Done.

Absolutely. I will just be wearing them indoors. And I will be looking good and feeling good, which means you always play good. Mother's Day and Father's Day is right around the corner, so you can gear up for both your mom and your dad. When you go to FreeFlyApparel.com, the promo code KFC, and you get 20% off. That's freeflyapparel.com. Promo code KFC, 20% off. Voicemail time.

Let's cook. Hey, KFC. Fight Super Producer BC. I'm having sex with this guy. It was my third time fucking at his house. And after sex, I went to the bathroom to clean myself up naturally. I come back and I find him tying the condom up and putting it in his upper dresser drawer like a psychopath. He was alone. So basically, I'm like, why the fuck aren't you throwing that out like a normal person?

He's like, oh, I'll take care of it later. I just make an excuse to leave and haven't spoken to him since because basically this guy is insane. And I'm convinced he's doing weird shit with both of our DNA. Basically, what the fuck should I do? Preemptively report myself to the police for murder or what? Because this is the weirdest shit I've ever seen. I gotta be honest,

I usually can kind of put myself in someone's shoes and come up with some angle or play devil's advocate or whatever. The guy holding on to come, I can't come up with any rational reason. Like the girl you hear about these, these like gold diggers,

they'll steal some NBA ball players. Who do you think you are that you have to tie it off and hide it? But even that, you know, you would like flush it or really get rid of it. You wouldn't hide it. The top drawer was a surprise. At first, I didn't understand his mind.

I understood what he was trying to do. I was like, listen, dude, you're a nobody. No one's stealing your sperm. Right. But, yeah, the curveball of putting it top dog is. That means you're just hanging on to it. And why would you want to hang on to it? I mean, is it possible that he's a flat out lazy?

Did he get back in bed after this? Yeah, maybe. I mean, what's weird is she when she said, what are you doing? And he's like, don't worry about it. Like that's unless unless you're embarrassed to be like, I'm so lazy. I didn't get up like that or whatever. But even if I was too lazy, I'm too lazy to put in the drawer. It's everything about me is just getting up.

Right. So once I'm up, right, I'll do it. But that whole first like 45 degree. All right. Now I'll go to the bathroom. But I'm getting up right so once i'm up right i'll do it but that whole first like 45 degree all right now i'll go to the bathroom but like i'm getting up i'm i'm like i'm up so i'll go do whatever yeah i'll go to the fucking gym but the the act of getting up is what's difficult for yourself i'm not gonna put it in there i'll flush it but the i would just throw it in the corner like i would just be i've been i used to put them in gatorade bottles and i took care of that later just like seal it up in there yeah it was just find an old one

i used to do that like i would throw them away you're gross when i left you used to throw them on the fucking hood of your car from out of your garage my brother did that yeah okay the and it was the neighbor's car um Get it right. But the... Final break, cum all over the neighborhood. No, I'd put them in Gatorade bottles so I could throw them away at school. What? So like throw it away, like having it just thrown away in the trash. Oh, yeah, okay.

I'd take the Gatorade bottle in my backpack and throw it away at school. Okay. So some girl saw him packing up condoms in a Gatorade bottle and stick them in his backpack. They'd be like, what's this? Yeah. But so why is, you know, why does this guy need to like hide it? Maybe he's got somebody else going through his trash. Whoa.

Like if you have another crazy girl. You flush on the toilet. Yeah. Then you got to just get rid of it. Now, the only thing I'm thinking is that I could see like tomorrow we get a voicemail from the guy being like yo that girl's fucking crazy and like she you know like i don't know like it might just be some sort of precaution like i heard a story about her like going through the bathroom the bathroom

uh garbage can at my buddy's place so i was just hiding it over here until she was gone or something i don't know but all roads always lead back to like flush it things like this always always concern me. Can you flush condoms in every toilet though? What if you had a low flush toilet? I don't know. I can't put that in there. Maybe in Australia you can't. I feel like Australian toilets are weird. It spins backwards. But things like this always concern

me because it just... These conversations like this. Because it enlightens me to how not concerned I am with privacy and protection. i'm just likening this to like websites and stuff like that even websites like to read my website you need to put in your social security number oh yeah i thought you were big on privacy i'm always like i don't really care about big brother looking no no dude remember you were using my computer the other day and you're

like oh boy you have a virus and like it just kept he just keeps popping up asking me for my password i just close it and that's it but like my google home page won't work it just takes me to some other weird home page i'm like whatever i'll just change it and so broken it's like it's like it's definitely russian bots just watching what i do i'm like i don't know whatever i'll deal i'll deal with it like it could be a five minute cleanup but I'll deal with that when the shit hits the fan I'll just box this up and put it in a greater

air bottle whatever we'll figure it out that's the same thing just like just come in I don't mind coming in a condom

just come in I was going to say just fucking stop using a condom if you're worried about the semen the best way is to not wear a condom

because you don't have something that captures it all you just pull out and come on her and then you gotta wipe it off and then it's gone and then it's gone yeah i mean the second doesn't seem to die in in oxygen pretty quickly absolutely yeah i think 100 percent guaranteed i think semen has a seven second half life i think once it's in oxygen for seven seconds it's no longer good semen and certainly aids i know that once aids hits the there's no way that's true now that i'm thinking about it because we come in a cup for yeah it's no longer a good season and certainly aids i know that once aids hits the there's no way that's true now that i'm thinking about it because we come in a cup for yeah it's definitely not true

not even a little bit speaking of that's what i'm gonna do i heard i'm gonna come in i'm gonna freeze my cum everybody that's that's i'm i mean like i'm absolutely doing this yeah i was talking to pete all business pete he has a vasectomy i was asking his opinion on it because i've kind of been polling everybody who's from people who are married to not married, single, kids, all things in between. I want to get a vasectomy. But I don't know. I'm not the same. Clem is definitely getting one.

Pete already got one. But they're happily married and they're in a good spot. What if I what if I what if what if, you know, Christina from The Bachelor comes along and we were head over heels in love and she wants to have kids one day. And I am out here and I got my vas deferens seared shut with a fucking solder fucking one of those one of those guns from from uh from like shop class well there's yeah it was just like you put down the mask sparks flying everywhere i believe doctors actually use that mask oh no that's scary someone's gonna use that mask while operating on my dick like pete was like yeah you know you have to do it it's the best thing ever it was dick. Pete was like, yeah, you know, you have to do it. It's the best thing ever.

It was no hesitation. He was like, oh, yeah, do it. I believe Pete said his biggest regret is that he can't do it again. Yes, he wants to. He's so pro vasectomy. He wanted a second one. He informed me that coming is still awesome. And he's like, just freeze your semen.

Oh, shit. I'm definitely going to do that. You keep saying this like you have a choice. Brandon and I are going to force you. No, I don't need to be forced anymore. Brandon's going to pin you down. I'm going to jerk you off into a cup. And then we're going to knock you out, bring you to the doctor.

Yeah, Jared brought up a good point. I don't know. All it takes is one microscopic little swimmer to get pregnant, right? But I don't know how much you need. So I'm just going to blast off and fill up a bunch of cups. Yeah. Like, a lot. And be like, I'll have, like, a briefcase.

Like, boom. Like, throw it on the countertop. I was going to say, how am I going to get this professionally done? You don't do it yourself. No, I'm going to go to the room or whatever. You're going to walk in with, like, a fucking pint glass of cum. Be like, here you go. Freeze that for me.

No. I'm saying whatever they're going to give me in a little room with like the magazine. I'm going to make. Yeah. Okay. A Playboy from 1992 is not going to get it done. Okay. Thanks.

Oh, I'm going to need my laptop. I'm going to need. I'm going to need my login for my. What are you talking about? You just do it on your phone. Yeah. I'm going to need it all. I'll rip it on my phone.

And if they're going to give me like one cup, like give me like a baker's dozen. We're fucking loading up here, okay? And then, yeah, snip, snap. How many babies do you want to make? I don't want to make any. Any. I don't want any more. That's it.

But, you know, I don't know. I've got a long way to go. It's like Gronk retiring. He's going to come back, right? Right now, Gronk is like, I'm fucking done. Yeah, if Tom Brady calls you, Tom Brady calls me and says, I need some back home. I'm going to have some, all right? So now, Gronk is like, I'm fucking done. Yeah, if Tom Brady calls you, Tom Brady calls me and says I need to come. I'm going to have some, all right? So me and Gronk, never say never.

What's next? I will never say never. KFC, right? First time, long time. So I want to provide an update to the Do You Believe in Dinosaurs story that was on a little bit a while ago. I'm one of the roommates who was on the keep the free steak coming side of the breakup argument. And needless to say, that relationship ended horribly,

and she went full crazy, as expected. Later that week, we had decided to go into the restaurant because of fucking course. They have the best lunch in our town, and it's right below our place. So I'm not kidding. When we walked in there, everyone who worked there gave us the death stare as if we were the one that broke this girl's heart, especially the chefs. And we all love going to this restaurant, including all of our parents,

whenever they come visit us. So now we are in the position where we risk eating tainted steak that is still really good By the way or do we just say Fuck it and eat it Applebee's Any info would be appreciated And thanks keep up the good shit How did he not tell us how it blew up

Yeah right That's my information I need right there But that's the point Yeah this is why we told you to write it out Because it was going to blow up you know you've ruined the situation for you and your family and your friends who go to this restaurant i i you know i also have a hard time believing that everyone in the restaurant cares these guys walk in and they're like that fucking that that dumb girl doesn't believe in dinosaurs i don't know man restaurant folks

are weird they roll tight restaurant folks are, yeah, they're like war heroes. Yeah, we know we would go out there and deal with every day. That's so true. People in the service industry and teachers act like they do tours of duty in Afghanistan. Yeah, exactly. It's like, I get it, especially after having kids. Like, when I'm around my own kids for, like, a couple days straight, like, all day from noon, from wake up till go to sleep, it's like, oh, my God, for like a couple days straight like all day from noon from wake up till go to sleep it's like oh my god i can't imagine being around kids all day

i get that but then first of all you give them all you give them away at three o'clock every time and then when you have the summer off every fucking year you know come june you're like all right this is pretty sweet i don't care what you say i don't care how shitty teachers are so fucking funny man teachers fucking love nothing more than they love teachers. Yeah, that's what I mean. Teachers fucking love teachers. It's like they're goddamn fucking heroes. Like, calm down.

Yo, I had, in my time, four good teachers. Right. Yeah, like, and even the good ones are like, ah. Everyone wants a fucking presidential medal of honor. And, like, they want to make 200 grand a year. Right. Fucking... I love when they're like you know they're molding the youth of america like you said there's like two or three that are

molding the youth and the rest are just like recycling the same fucking notes and curriculum that are just there for pension and tenure and that's it yeah i know a few teachers they're drunks they're fucking idiot drunks like they're they're my friends but they're idiot drunk well that's also the thing is like you realize that they're your're my friends, but they're idiot drunks. Well, that's also the thing. You realize that they're your friends. They're normal people. They're your buddies. They hate their job just as much as the rest of us,

and they don't care about their job just as much as the rest of us. For every one kindergarten teacher who's this sweet little girl who's molding everybody, there's some drunk who's like, I don't know. I'm going to teach history because that shit never changes. I'm hungover. Here's a worksheet. Yeah, right. Pop quiz. I here as a worksheet. Yeah, right.

Pop quiz. I don't fucking know. Here you go. Guess what? The Revolutionary War, America still won it every single year. Nothing even changes here. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the difficulty of teaching.

I could never teach because you're too dumb. I'm so dumb that I'm annoyed when someone doesn't know how to do what I do What do you mean you can't do this? I can do it I suck I suck at this and you're good And you can't even be me? You're supposed to be a smart kid

And you don't know your fucking multiplication tables Are you kidding me? Moron Fucking asshole So teachers I could never do the job of teaching But Fucking relaxed teachers

And service industry folks That's the other one One guy's rude to you a day Shut up I never do the job of teaching, but fucking relaxed teachers and service industry folks. That's the other one. One guy's rude to you a day? Yeah. Shut up. Yeah, and like. I don't want to be rude to you right now.

Shut the fuck up. They're always like, you know, unless you've worked in the industry, there's no possible way you could tell what it's like. I mean, I could probably envision what it's like when you serve a table and they give you a bad tip. And you're like, I usually get 20% and you gave me 10. That sucks. I can envision that. I really can put myself in your shoes. I mean, I've worked in the service industry.

I've bartended. I've fucking worked at a pizza place. It's really not that bad. It's like anything else, man. It's like there's some good stuff. There's some bad stuff. Yeah. You know, people, some people give you tips.

Some people don't. Some people are rude. Some people aren't. At the end of the day. Welcome to the fucking universe. Yeah. You know where there's much more rude people? Here. You know what I mean?

You're worried about people being rude to you. Like you said, one person per table. And especially, if someone was like, this steak is terrible, I'd be like, all right. I'd fucking cook it. Welcome to fucking Applebee's, dude. Yeah. Fucking Applebee's. Food sucks here.

Hey, you're poor. Yeah. You're here for a reason. If you're poor, you get bad food sucks here. Hey, you're poor. You're here for a reason. If you're poor, you get bad food. What the fuck are you talking about? Here are the directions to Del Frisco's, you fucking idiot. What are you going to do? Yeah, we made that steak in a microwave, asshole. It's a shitty cut made by a shitty chef with shitty materials.

It sucks. Get over it. Like, yeah, oh, I took a little bit too long to get over here? Yeah, I know. I'm the only person working here. I don't know. What do you want me to fucking tell you? Even if you just like, yeah, I'm a flat out 20%.

I don't ever factor in how your service was. You could fucking spit in my food right in front of me. You're getting 20%. I don't really care. But to fucking act like it's the end of the world when someone – like, look, my tip's higher than normal. You might get a lower one. That's the thing. You're never calling up, like, I had a great day because someone gave me 35%.

You're only thinking about the bad stuff. It all comes out even. It probably comes out in the wash. Same thing with teachers. You know, September sucks, and July and August are fucking great. Like, I don't know. Some things are good. Some things are bad. You're not that fucking special. I don't know. Some things are good. Some things are bad.

You're not that fucking special. I don't think teachers should be buying their own supplies. I'll give you that. Yeah. You should have money to buy supplies. You shouldn't get paid like an astronaut. Also, by the way, that's fucking crazy, though. Yeah, that is.

No, no, no. I mean, to do it. Yeah, I wouldn't do it. If I couldn't afford the markers, I'd be like, guess what? We ain't coloring. Right. Like, oh, no, we don't have the tools for this project. Well, we ain't doing the project.

Today, we're going to work on your imagination. Color everything black. Pretend some colors are different. Fuck out of here. I'm buying shit for the kids that aren't mine. Today, we're just reading out loud. And if we can't afford the books, we ain't reading either. It's fucking done, man.

I'll figure out a way to teach with no materials. Right fucking now. All right, wait a minute. Last voicemail today brought to you by Quip. Gotta brush them teeth, man. I'll figure out a way to teach with no materials. Right bugging now. All right, wait a minute. Last voicemail today brought to you by Quip. Got to brush them teeth, baby. Got to get them pearly whites nice and white. And the best way to do that is with Quip because most people are using the same toothbrush from like 10 years ago. Be honest with yourself.

When's the last time you changed your toothbrush? Like never. change your toothbrush like never you don't think you think you think people change their toothbrush more often man i can't even think of a good comparison because nobody changes the toothbrush i was gonna say like more often than you change your sheets or more often than you wash your jeans but i i mean i don't even honestly the only reason i ever got like a new toothbrush in the past decade is when when my baby mama got them. Like I never even considered. I guess maybe every now and then I would be walking down the aisle and be, oh, there it is.

But I've never been like, I got to go to the store to change my brush, my brush. Never once. No, no one did that. That's why Quip is invented. And that's why it's making money and being being written about all over the place, because Quip just sends you the new brush heads every three months. That's the dentist-recommended schedule, and they'll do it for just $5. Right now you get a new Quip electric toothbrush. It starts at just $25, and you go to getquip.com slash KFC.

You'll get your first refill pack of brush heads for free. That's G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash KFC. Get that toothbrush for $25. Get the first refill pack free. And then just for $5 a month, you'll get the brush head sent to you every three months. Check it out. You said something there. Were you talking about your baby mama?

Mm-hmm. And how she used to buy the toothbrushes for you and whatnot and i saw a viral tweet the other day that that really annoyed me i'm trying to find it again but it was something along the line it was uh a uh a husband was staying home alone something like that uh-huh and he was gone for the weekend and he texted the wife. The wife texted him to change something. Okay. And he was like, oh, I thought that just did it automatically. Right, right, right. And her response is, a woman's work is truly invisible.

Uh-huh. I'm putting women up there with teachers and service people. Yeah, get over yourselves. What are you fucking talking about? Yeah, we got different chores. Yes. There's a bunch of shit that if I was gone for the weekend, you'd be like, wait. Dude.

Wait. Do you know how many girls have shit that if I was gone for the weekend, you'd be like, wait. Dude. Wait, he, do you know how many girls have no fucking clue how to take out the garbage? Like, a guy's duty is like the gross garbage,

right? I get that. It would be piling up, you don't know the recycling schedule, you're not the one dragging it out there in the rain.

You want to talk about invisible work, that's the total fucking opposite. Fuck these hoes, man. The shit that guys do goes completely completely unnoticed like you're up late with the kid or up early with the kid or you do something you are never getting any fucking credit for it man you do all sorts of shit that

just keeps keeps things you pay for something or you keep something afloat you just keep something moving you'd never get any credit ever they oh well who who pays for lunch yes a man's work is truly invisible yeah well again look at those goddamn shoes you're wearing right now that you love so much they were way too expensive man's work is invisible there i want to find the exact thing and by the way while yes maybe she bought the toothbrush heads the toothpaste tube was just a fucking catastrophe by the way this is I am finally on to my

first tube of toothpaste that I have bought since moving out I'm so mad I found out I'm so mad let me just say quickly, my toothpaste tube is fucking pristine and it will remain so. I might have to start

documenting every day how fucking clean it is. What's the tweet? I mean, this guy's at fault too. This guy's just a fucking idiot. My friend and her husband lived in an apartment

that had a soap dispenser installed on the edge of the sink. When they moved out after two years, he marveled to her. It's amazing how that dispenser never ran out of soap all this time. Woman's work is truly invisible.

She never told him the truth. He still thinks wistfully of that amazing, magical soap dispenser he once had. First of all, you fucking idiot. Don't make us look like assholes. That's just a retarded person. Don't make us look like a bunch of fucking shitheads. Soap needs refilling. Guess what? Sinks are not magic. They're not supernatural

where they just fill up with soap. You need to fucking fill up the soap in the dispenser yeah you goddamn moron second of all you want a fucking metal because you refill the soap dispenser seriously like i i can picture uh what moving out of the house like it's crazy the lights never went out yeah i've been changing them yeah right absolutely there's all sorts of shit like that which i don't do by the way but if i lived with someone i would i wouldn't know how i don't do it it's always a big it's always a big test for me to see if i can get out before the lights all the lights in the house run out move you mean yeah move before john john's like well the lights went out time to call my broker time to find my real estate agent one. I got two more in this living room.

That one I've been using quite a bit, so we only got a couple of these left. I am just like dead serious right now. Yeah, the one in my entryway is out, so we're on the clock now, boys. We got one on the TV, one behind the couch. We're going to see which one goes where, and then from there we'll figure it out. I got a spare one in my room Just a light that I don't even use Over my bed

That can go So if we get really up against the wall We'll take that one And we'll put it into one in the living room But I got a couple of months in that spot We'll see It's looking dicey right now We got only one light left of the sink in the bathroom

You're such an idiot. Maybe a woman's work really is invisible. A man's work is going to be invisible with all the fucking lights out around my house. I got to figure out how to fix it. Everybody's work is invisible. It's pitch black up in the air. I want to know why pretty much all girls are like this, but why are we the most interested in guys who do not give us the time of day?

But, like, I don't give a crap about the guys who actually text me back. So I just want to know why I'm like that, and what can I do to get the guy that could not give a crap about me to actually fucking pay attention to me? Nah, I'm not. Easy answer. You're dumb. No, I totally disagree. No, I mean, I do too, but it is very funny. People who talk to you and people who give you the time of day are annoying.

Yeah, well, that's why you don't like those guys. This is actually probably the most important question we've ever been asked by a girl here on the show. I mean, I think there is an absolute human nature thing that goes to you always want what you can't have. Right. And also being annoyed by people who talk to you. That's human nature too.

I think that's Weidelberg nature. I mean, it's pretty close to human nature. Well, that's the point. Nowadays, people are annoyed by people who talk to them. I think that the guy – Because there's so many ways to talk to us. I haven't thought about that recently where I don't talk to people anymore, and it's not even my fault.

It's Big Tech's fault because I don't – there are too many ways to contact me, so I just don't check any to people anymore. And it's not even my fault. It's big tech's fault. Because I don't, there are too many ways to contact me. DM, tweet, text. So I just don't check any of them anymore. It's like when it was just the phone, you talk on the phone. It's just you call the house, you talk, that's it. Now you email, there are 7,000 messaging apps, WhatsApp, Signal, Messenger, all this shit. You get your DMs, you get your emails, you got your texts, your Facebook messages, your fucking wall, your tweets, your mentions. It's crazy how many ways there are to contact me.

So I just don't check any. And see, that's also probably what's going on now too is the guy who shows you, who gives you the attention probably goes too far with it, where it's like he texts you and you don't text back. So then maybe he likes a photo and comments on it, and he's like, oh, I'll try this way, and then I'll try that way. And then you're coming off as a tryhard, you don't text back so then maybe he like likes a photo and comments on it and he's like oh i'll try this way and then i'll try that way and then you're coming off as a try hard and you're coming off as as annoying yes but i think it comes across even more as annoying as like desperate or

or just naturally like if a guy is not showing you the time of day it it shows that he's like more important or or or with a different girl who's better than you or has better things to do. Yeah, it's a fashionably late of relationships where you start to feel like, well, then I must not be adequate enough. So I'm going to like work at it. I'm going to try to get on on that guy's level. But what you don't realize is that now you are being the annoying person. If you're trying to get the attention of the guy, her question is

how can I do it? It's like, well, you trying to get the attention of the guy is the same thing as the guy who's giving you the attention. So you need to act like you're better than that dude. And then he'll be like, wait a minute. She doesn't care about me. I don't know how to do any of this. I can't give advice on this. I don't know how to do it you're better than that dude. And then he'll be like, oh, wait a minute. She doesn't care about me. She doesn't care about me doing any of this. I can't give advice on this.

I don't know how to do it. I'm bad at it. I understand the human instinct aspect of it, but I don't know how to get around that. Well, the problem is if you're like, there has to be some level. Okay, all right, here's what it is. There's two ways that someone can be like ignoring you or acting. They're not giving you the time of day. One is that they actually are kind of interested in you, and they're playing the game.

That's the person you can attain. Which I do not like. But that's how it's going to go, right? That's the person. That guy is actually looking at, like, your tweets or your pictures and maybe writes back every now and then. But he's saying to himself, I'm going to talk to her very little so that she feels as if i'm like cooler than i am that person you can kind of gain their attention you can you can figure out how to do it if someone's not giving you the time of day because they truly don't fucking care there's no way to like play you can't play it cool but there's also the

possibility that they don't they don't care because they just literally haven't even thought about you well that's that but you can get that person if they just haven't even considered you. Oh, okay. I see what you mean. I'm just saying you can't play it cool back to someone who, like, truly does not care what you're doing. Right, right, right. It's like, I'm not going to text you.

It's like, I was not waiting for your text. That game doesn't work. I forgot about your existence. Right. So if the guy, like, you know. I honestly, and this is a do as I say, not as I do thing, but, I mean, just tell them you like them. Yeah, I mean, that's a dicey game.

I think that's, I've been trying the honesty thing recently. I love it. It's working out for you? I love it. It's going to backfire soon, eventually. I was on the phone yesterday afternoon with my girlfriend. Uh-huh. She said, I want to go.

She said, I'm done with this. How'd that work out? You see he laughed He's like You know what I kinda am too See but that was What I was just gonna say

If you are like On the right page With someone I think honesty works Otherwise Lie always Yeah Like if you

If you think Guy or girl If you think that the girl Or the guy that you want Is kinda like Playing it cool Or whatever Hard to get And you think they are like kind of above you or whatever if you just go up to them and you're like i love you i like you i don't

think that but just i don't know i mean obviously not that but the for you to go up to someone and be like hey i like you let's do this it has to be a very specific situation because if you let's say you're like not that hot or attractive or pretty, whatever is the way to do it. Clearly I'm not well versed in this, but maybe it's like, Hey, let's go to dinner.

Hey, let's go out. I do think that there, there is something to the forwardness of like, yeah, I'm asking. Yeah. And maybe he's like us and he's not going to say no,

just because he doesn't know how to say no. Yeah. He doesn't want to, doesn't want to say no, even though he wants to say no. Right. doesn't know how to say no yeah he doesn't want to doesn't want to say no even though he wants to say no right exactly so maybe you get and then you get a two-hour tryout where maybe like he wanted to say no in the first place but he's too scared and so he's like all right and then you know you're at dinner and then i don't know work your magic there i don't know what that is but i feel that i mean that might that's probably the most direct way to to do that and then it really should be like, lay it on the line.

If it doesn't work, just move on. You don't want to sit around. You're playing hard to get. Well, he's playing hard to get. And no one's actually getting it. No. That's a big goddamn waste of time. That's a huge waste of time.

You know what else I've been doing? I just don't reply if things aren't interesting to me. It's awesome. You're just turning into an asshole. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I am. It's just like.

Yeah. But guess what? Yeah. Assholes live like very comfortably. They're just like, yeah, I do whatever I want, whenever I want. And that's really it. Again, that's only like with people I'm comfortable with. I just wrote a whole blog about how I was bullied through flattery.

Yeah. You truly are a paradox because you'll, you'll, you'll like do anything. But I'm comfortable with the other. Like, nah. Right. But like that person who would be like you're not eating are you and you just sit there and starve right but if it was like someone you're comfortable with you but give me your food bitch i'm taking it i wouldn't even ask i just take it like once i'm covered we kind of talked about that with the the pete holmes thing like i'm good with intimacy when we're close we're very very close yeah whether you like it or not right i'm just gonna take your food or i'm just

gonna ignore you and it doesn't mean i know i'm mad at you like it or not. I'm just going to take your food or I'm just going to ignore you. It doesn't mean I'm mad at you. So it's just like I'm not – right now I'm not – that's – I do it with my mom. My mom will ask me something. I just don't reply. She'll be like, nothing on that one, huh? The women in your – Nothing on that one, huh? How about this?

Not good enough, huh? Oh, you want a good polyism? Always. Well, I'd have a great polyism. Awesome this weekend. So my little sister's running the marathon and she's training. And she was she said something to the effect of, oh, I think she had just come back from her 20 mile run. You know, because I think like two weeks before the marathon is when you go all out.

And then you start tapering it down. And my sister said something along the lines of, life is so hard and long. And my mom replied, it's only as long as you want it to be. You always got it out, Klaus. What a line. It's only as long as you want it to be, Neely. That's crazy to say to your own child. I mean, that is

10 out of 10 stuff. My other sister was there, and she called me. She's like, I had to call you. I'll tell you this. Neely just came in, and she's panting about how life is long, and Mom just goes, it's only as long as you want it to be. What did she say?

What did Neely say? I'm sure she probably just laughed. Holy fuck, Polly. What a badass bitch. All right, Jimmy Carr. Interviews brought to you by Burrow. They're rethinking how you live your relationship with the couch, your relationship with the furniture. They make high-quality sofas that are customized online,

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Jimmy Carr, KFC Radio. What show am I on? Who's KFC? I am KFC. This is Feidelberg. Feidelberg. Can you explain that? I know there'll be regular listeners to the show going,

just get on with the interview, but I need to know. Why are you called KFC? My initials, Kevin Francis Clancy. And they didn't see that coming? Your parents went, I think this is just a fast food fad. I don't think this is going to last. I don't know what it was, to be honest. What's your sister called?

Very short. I mean, why would they do that to you? KFC. He's my brother. Why do you think they did it? They weren't big. No, they're idiots they're just dumb

they're just dumb I have dumb parents okay well that explains a lot okay and then your name is Feidelberg Feidelberg

yeah it's just my last name oh okay and it's it's a confusing one because I'm not Jewish right but it certainly sounds like it and the nose would make you think it too

I would say painfully ginger you look as if no you know what he's been fighting this hard. I was making this argument this weekend. I think I'm just enough ginger. I think I'm Prince Harry.

Here's my take on you. I'd like to make a number of points. Firstly, you look as if you get sunburned looking at the phone. You look as if you have to wear factor 30 to open a fridge. You look as if there's a risk of skin cancer just looking at a holiday brochure. I don't want to say ginger because I think it's an unpleasant term,

but I would say you are strawberry disgusting. I was so nervous about this interview because I was like, he's just going to be mean to me. And I was right. Why would I be mean to you? Your crowd work is impressive. And I was like I mean, it's impressive. And I was like, well, he's going to come in here and just fucking do that to us.

I kind of like the fact you don't know you're Jewish. That seems like a weird thing. Well, I'm, you need to do, 23andMe is just going to come back with one page going, Oy vey, how did you not know? I am, I'm German, but not Jewish. I see, I am. I'm German, but not Jewish. Oh, no. I see. I see.

So someone in a very dark time in Germany's history. Oh, boy. Here we go, Jewish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No convictions in my family. Yeah. I'm not going to be a martyr here on this one. Sure. I mean, Catholicism's got some good points, I think.

We'll stick with that. Sure. What was the old joke about my father died in Auschwitz? Yeah. Fell off a machine gun tower. The gag about that. Go on. So what are we talking about? What's the show? Well, it's you, basically.

First of all, let's talk about you showing up early. What's that about? Showing up early? Yeah. I don't know. You're supposed to be famous and important. You're supposed to show up late, and you show up early. It makes me think you're a chump.

I'm in an industry where the bar is very, very low. So basically, because of other musicians and comedians being, you know, idiots, lobby call time is always about an hour before it needs to be. And I always just turn up on time because I go, well, people are waiting. Well, but you understand the perception that it brings now. It's like Jimmy's early. He's got nothing else to do, apparently. What, at 10.30 in the morning?

No, I've got nothing else to do. That's the wonder of my job. I have nowhere I need to be. It's a beautiful thing, huh? Also, this office is extraordinary. You kind of walk in and go, it's just full of people. I'm looking at individuals, but what I can see is disappointed parents going,

oh, when's he going to get a proper job? Yeah, I was going to say, it's fine extraordinary because. When's this podcast going to end? Come on, he's got to get something. I've got friends in banking. There's always that shoe store. It's a great business. Yeah, there's a lot of that.

I always ask my dad, I'm like, come on, what do you really tell your friends I do? Yeah. You don't tell them, my son's got a mildly successful podcast. Do you? You put a little spice on this, I think. My dad was a very successful real estate, New York City, property management type of guy.

My brother followed, and then I did not, and then I pulled him away from it. So we pretty much just ruined my father's dreams. No legacy. Sorry, Dad. Awesome. Well done.

Well done, fellas. Yeah, really living the childhood dream. Welcome to group therapy. I'm going to fuck your world up. father's dreams. No legacy. Sorry, Dad. Awesome. Well done. Well done, fellas. Yeah, really living the childhood dream. Welcome to group therapy with Jimmy Carr. Hey, I mean, some billable hours right here, pal. I would imagine. I would imagine. So how long have you been doing the show? Eight years.

Going on eight, seven years. Something like that. Yeah, it's going to pop soon. What is the theme? Is it news? Is it? It's kind of a problem. Not much of a theme.

So everyone else here. How about this? You want to talk about a news story Is it – That's kind of a problem. Not much of a theme. So everyone else here – How about this? You want to talk about a news story we saw today? Yeah. Sure. Okay. A guy wrote in kind of like one of those Dear Abby type articles. Right.

A guy wrote into it that he had fallen in love with his girlfriend and met her family and he was considering asking to propose. But when he got to lunch with the mother and the father, realized he'd fucked the father. I mean, I think, okay, I mean, I guess we've all been there. Classic, you know. Yeah, I don't know whether that, I mean, I think still do it.

You think still do it? Well, here's the thing. The father has requested that he put an end to it. Right. Okay. Which one would imagine that would probably be the to it. Right. Okay. Which one would imagine that would probably be the reaction from the father. He's a bisexual gentleman?

I guess so. He was bisexual five years ago. That was when he was really just running through dudes. I always liked the phrase, buy now, gay later. But, I mean, I don't know. It's a weird thing, that. You never hear about guys. I think being, I'm a straight guy, but I think being gay must be better than being straight. Definitely. Because you get. You're a straight guy? I'm a straight guy but i think being gay must be better

than being straight definitely because you're a straight guy i'm a straight guy but you tell the shirt yeah but you get that you get that thing of like you get guys who are i don't know 45 and they're married with three kids and they go do you know what i met this guy called antonia we're gonna go and live together and we're super happy. You get that happening. I've never heard of it the other way around. Like a real seen gay guy going, listen, Dominique, it's all going to change. I met this woman. I think I'm going to settle down, live in the burbs. Yeah, well, that makes sense to me.

It kind of doesn't go the other way. Maybe it does and we just don't hear about it. See, that makes sense to me. I feel like gay guys look at us dealing with crazy women and they're like, you can have that. Me and my gay boyfriend, we're good. We're like, they got it all figured out.

I would be gay in a heartbeat if I was attracted to guys. There's a great comedian, his name will come to me in one second. And he's a gay guy, but he wasn't out for 20 years.

Okay. For 20 years, he was in the closet and he talked about relationship stuff on stage. So he would talk about my girlfriend on stage, but he would really be talking

about his boyfriend on stage. Got it. And no one picked up on it. I was would talk about my girlfriend on stage but he would really be talking about his boyfriend on stage. Got it. And no one picked up on it. I was just... No insightful comedian, no other people, no one picked up on it for 20 years.

Because you know what relationships are? Exactly the same. We would love to think, oh, gay guys, straight guys, so different. But you go, no,

just relationship dynamics are exactly the same. They're all terrible. They're all a pain in the ass. We're all terrible. That's the message pain in the ass. We're all terrible. That's the message. Todd, what's he called? God, I'm trying to think of his name.

Todd? Is it Todd? Oh, why? It's just gone from my head. Todd sounds gay enough. Yeah. Classic gay name. Pretty gay name, Todd.

He's amazing. So what other stories? What else are we doing? We were going to ask you about you. Well, I've got like a new Netflix thing out do you right? I had a special before and I've got

this one is called the best of ultimate gold ultimate it's all my best jokes from like 20 years of writing jokes and I just did this tour

where I was doing these like corporate shows once in a while you'd like a company would say can you come and talk after dinner for an hour and you go okay

and you know nice earner I was going to say that's a gravy train there. When you do those things, you kind of go, well, I'm not just going to do the new tour stuff because some of it's made. I've done like nine specials over nine years, so I'll just do all the best stuff. And I did one of these and went, that was great fun. Yeah. Why don't I do that for regular people that come and see my show?

It would just give me a year off writing. And so I did that. Yeah, listen. You're turning this into some elaborate thing. You're just mailing in pal yeah you're just recycling old material yeah okay good exactly just you know oh yeah oh i mean this was great i went to the fans like you're just not working anymore i said would you like to buy i have this lovely piece of old rope yeah and they went yeah that's a great fun tour to do i'm just finishing off now i did like i don know, maybe 45 countries on the tour. Holy shit.

I mean, it went everywhere. That's crazy. And it was great fun. And it's a weird thing going on now where it feels like, I mean, this might be just my perception and people that come and see me, but it feels like the standard of English across the world is getting better.

And I'm putting it down to YouTube and Netflix because people no longer watch stuff that's dubbed into another language on their local TV station. They just watch stuff on their phone on YouTube. And it's like, okay, I'm watching a funny cat video and someone says something in it. No one's bothered dubbing that into Lithuanian. They go, I guess we just have to pick it up as we go along. And then the highest level of language, like when you really know you know a foreign language,

it's not when you dream in that language, it's when you get a joke. Right. You get a joke in that language, you really know you've got it. You understand the nuance and the punchline. Yeah, yeah. That's true.

We took a little break off that imperialism stuff, but we're back on it now. Yeah. Yeah, I like it. We're back to dominating. Culturally, we absolutely rule, don't we? I mean, there's still the cultural imperialism. We're absolutely – you know.

I was reading a story that was about British actors and how no American actors can do a British accent, but all British actors – there are so many actors. Even Christian Bale, when he just accepted the Golden Globes, people were like, oh, he's Welch or whatever he is. And it was about how British actors have to learn how to speak American because you won't be a superstar unless you can get over here. Yeah, I think that's probably true.

I think there was a couple of Australian boys that have done it with Australian accents, and it's kind of... I don't think Americans mind too much if we have our own voice in something. I don't know. I think English people doing an American accent, unless they're brilliant, it comes across as...

Can you do one? I don't think so, no. I'm not great. I think the one that we can all do is like a southern drawl. Yeah, Ma. Ma'am. That always feels like that's just English. You get something racial in it, too.

Like, why say an N-word? Yeah, sure. You can't get it over there. Like, yeah, I'm doing a southern accent I said the M word you get it no it's amazing that thing of like

who was it Hugh Laurie came over here and did House right yeah and Hugh was like big star in the UK big comedy star and then came over here

and has done like you know serious acting and then being a musician you kind of go what you've totally reinvented yourself twice yeah I hate those people it's like he's in the

Witness relocation thing what are you doing he was the first one for me where it was like oh you're You've totally reinvented yourself twice. Yeah, I hate those people. It's like he's in the Witness relocation thing. What are you doing? He was the first one for me where it was like, oh, you're a British man. Not just British, but incredibly posh British. Right, right. The fancy guy. I think it was five seasons into House, I saw an interview. Jesus Christ, he's a Brit.

You're an Irish guy? I carry an Irish passport. I'm like a plastic paddy. So Irish passport, Irish parents, but I speak and present myself in this way, you know, because look what you can do when you apply yourselves, Irish people. I did a joke actually in Dublin. I don't know whether this will translate, but I'll tell you. So I filmed the Netflix special, this best of in Dublin, because it's like, it's maybe

the best gig on the tour. It's always like top five gigs of the tour. Because there's something about a Dublin crowd Friday, Saturday, Friday. Oh, yeah, I can imagine. Yeah, come on. It's the alcohol. I mean, I feel like that lives completely up to the stereotype. But it's just a fun place to play and it's a great place to hang out.

So I did the gig there. And then I thought, well, I'm preaching to the choir. Like people that come into my gig in Dublin to see the special being recorded, it's like these are my people. So they're slightly, they're laughing a bit too much. So I thought I'd take some of the steam out of the room to begin with. Good thinking. So I opened with this line. I said, I don't know much about Irish politics. A thousand people going, no, I don't, I don't imagine you do. So I don't know much about Irish politics. I just think we should have one island. And

they're like, this guy is our guy. So One Island United, under British rule. I was going to say. Well, I mean, it's also, if you're going to do a super edgy joke that you think might upset people, do it at the beginning. Because then you've got an hour and a half to win them back. Don't do it at the end. Okay. There's some logic. Good night.

Do it at the beginning. They go, well, listen, we bought tickets. What, are we walking out now? See what else he has to say. I mean, later in the special, I got up and I watched it this morning. I got up at 7.30 to watch your special this morning. 7.30? Did you laugh?

Was it fun? I did. I actually went back to sleep afterwards. Yes, that's right, people. They put you to sleep. Jimmy's your special. You didn't put me to sleep during it. Anything.

I get up at 7.30, I could watch, I don't know, Days of Thunder, I'd fall asleep. Days of Thunder? Why was there a spit take on Days of Thunder? I don't know. That was a strange movie for him to do. I don't know. It's a weird reference. I don't know if I've ever seen Days of Thunder.

I don't know where that came from. Show me heaven. Okay. It was just, it was just came, I don't know why I came up with that. But you later in the in the first special you call all the women they're sluts too so you really were trying to win them over oh well i think there's a weird thing where everyone's like in in the room when you're doing a comedy show i think all bets are off it's like that the context is everything it's

like we're at a comedy show we're just trying to laugh here let's just say the funniest most outrageous things that we can there's no because there's nothing i're just trying to laugh here. Let's just say the funniest, most outrageous things that we can. There's no – because there's nothing – I'm not trying to change anyone's political opinion on anything. There's no learning in my show. It's just joke. Right. You know, four jokes a minute maybe. Well, that's particularly your brand of comedy, I feel, is just like –

It's all fast-forward. Punchline, punchline, punchline, yeah. But there's no stories. There's nothing else. Also, why am I saying anything that isn't leading you towards a punchline? Right. It's like – Should all be laughing.

And all jokes kind of work in the same way. It's all – you know, it's the sudden revelation of a previously concealed fact. They all have that thing of like you're just pulling the rug out from people constantly and somehow it's just a very enjoyable experience. Yeah. That seems exhausting to me though. I mean it's – what did you say? Four jokes a minute?

I mean that is – it is nothing but make them laugh, them laugh make them laugh make them laugh yeah but i think you get into that weird state when you hopefully when you watch it but you know when you were in a show when you see people getting a bit giddy with laughter or like literally having a sore jaw because they get into the and the atmosphere around them as well when you you know i think when you watch things i'm watching at 7 30 in the morning i'm very pleased you did i'm flattered and delighted but watching it with a group of people is really i think doing it as a social thing around them as well. You know, I think when you watch things, I mean, watching at 7.30 in the morning, I'm very pleased you did. I'm flattered and delighted. But watching it with a group of people is really, I think doing it as a social thing,

almost like sports. Like when people watch sports, they watch it in a group. Yeah. It's much more enjoyable. Right. Like watching comedy with people, with your partner,

is like a really fun. Oh, without a doubt. Especially when one of you gets the giggles. Yeah. It's like, that's the best. Right. It takes a lot, you know, you're sitting in your apartment

by yourself in the morning watching a show to really start laughing and really be into it. I could think something's hilarious, but I'm not going to laugh out loud to myself. Well, you know you're 30 times more likely to laugh in a group than you are on your own. You can watch literally – no, no. They did a study recently. They've done a couple of studies on it, and it's the idea that it's a social activity. So laughter predates language by about a million years it's a different part of your throat you use it's a it's a you know we laugh and it's

a it's basically a social noise it's basically us remote grooming it allows us to have bigger groups because we can laugh with people and we don't have to be we're not like silverback gorillas picking this out of each other's hair right there's no competition and it's also most laughter isn't about the kind of thing that I do of getting people to really belly laugh. It's that social thing of like just laughing a little bit to kind of – it's a social lubricant. Yeah. That's very interesting. Do you think you take it a step further when you're in the club or in the theater, like doing it live?

I feel like when people have paid money or they bought a ticket, they come to sit down, they're just itching to laugh. Well, the thing I love about Netflix and doing a Netflix special as opposed to doing a – Well, no, but if you do something on a TV channel, you know, you're essentially – you're a guest in someone's living room. You know, a lot of people, you can say, well, they're choosing to watch that on TV. But certainly in the house I grew up in, the TV was just on. So you have a certain – when you make TV shows, I make a lot of TV shows around the world. And you're just – you're on in the background for a lot of people. So there's a certain level at which you have a certain when you make tv shows i make a lot of tv shows around the world and you're just you're on in the background for a lot of people so there's a certain level at which you have to play whereas when it's netflix and they go they're clicking onto your show and they're

deciding to watch this then you go what i'm just you can say anything right they're all into it right do you have anything you can't say like like when you were going back through some of your old jokes from the last nine years did you find that they were anywhere you're like, maybe I don't do that one now? Not so much really. I think actually there's quite a lot of things that I used to do that were like not as edgy that are more edgy now. If you talk about anything to do with LGBT, that's a real tinderbox because it's such a powerful lobby online, which is kind of a good thing. But I think talking about it is a really it's it's good it's you know i think with any of these things as long as you're an equal opportunities offender

yeah as long as you go well i can joke about anything but not that joke i mean i agree with you but i mean we do that here and but the idea that you go if it's let's say lgbt if you're singling that group out and you're saying right that i can't make jokes about them because they can't take it i think it's incredibly patronizing yeah that's offensive oh they can't make jokes about them because they can't take it. I think it's incredibly patronizing to that group to go, oh, they can't be joked about because it's their precious little flowers. And you go, no, they're just people like everyone else is a person. Have you caught any heat? Have there been any jokes that have gone too far?

I've caught some heat. Boycotting or whatever? It's a weird thing where when you first get into trouble, and it's first in a newspaper or online, and someone says, there's outrage, you think, well, I guess I've been doing comedy 10 years and that's it for me i guess it's over all right and then you do a show that night and a thousand people turn up and you go yeah outrage means there's four tweets about it i guess i guess people don't and also i'm not for everyone

i think you have to there's an ego thing where at some point you have to go listen i'm not for everyone there's you know some people are really into this kind of comedy some people that could care less and you you have to kind of go well okay what's some people are going to like it some people not and you know and some people are going to be aggressively going this is disgraceful right well i got a right to freedom of speech you've got a right to say that you enjoy yourself we've recently done that where we we kind of always get you know barstool is considered a controversial company at some points, and there are always articles written about how we're the worst and yada, yada, yada. And I've been working here for eight, nine years,

and we used to, like, really rebel against it and fight back and be like, you don't know what you're talking about. We're actually good people. And within the last year or so, I've realized, like, you know what? They're not going to like us. They're never going to like us. I really don't fucking care. You can't change those people's minds,

and the people who already like you aren't paying attention to that and don't need any minds changing, so just fucking leave it alone. It does strike me as a, I think there's a sadness I feel in that, about, you know that idea of saying we're in the, you often got it around the time of the election,

people talking about the echo chamber and the idea of being in the echo chamber, and part of what I like to do, not for comedically, not in anything, just in life, is kind of get out of the echo chamber. And part of what I like to do, not for comedically, not in anything, just in life, is kind of get out of the echo chamber a little bit and read something like that, you know, someone on the right has written

or someone on the very far left has written that I would go, well, I don't really agree with that, but I'll take a look, I'll take a listen, you know, because I think there's kind of a lack of debate going on where you just go, well, forget those people, we're never going to convert them.

I think there's something to be said for going, we'll try and bring some people in. I mean, I guess with humor. Humor's like a reflex. There's a weird thing where you go, I don't think you get to choose what you laugh at. I think it's almost like your sexual preference. I was born this way.

Yeah. I was born making fun of people and laughing at people. I think my favorite noise in a comedy club is the kind of cognitive dissonance sound of an audience laughing and then a sharp intake of breath so they laugh at it

and then they catch themselves because your conscience is always late to show up at the party you laugh first and then you go oh shit and sometimes people

try and style it out they try and make a laugh into a and you go no no you were laughing too late you know

you were making fun of those people get off the fence yeah yeah yeah but it's a weird it's certainly a weird isn't it, when you kind of catch people out because it really betrays who they are. Yeah. Like if they laugh at something, that's kind of, that's it.

You've laughed at that. Right. But that's okay. It doesn't mean that you're, I think people get a bit confused as well when you're talking about something, that you're being against something. You can find humor in anything. Yeah, but like the idea that you do a joke about LGBT doesn't mean that you're not incredibly supportive of anyone. I can find a humorous joke about a gay guy and it does not mean I don't support his lifestyle or think that he has the same rights as everybody else.

But I think he's got the same rights as everyone else to have a joke made about him. Right. Yeah, exactly. Everybody's fair game. I think so. I think if it's equal opportunities offending, I think is a good deal. Do you ever find yourself being like, all right, I got to make fun of, you know, women because I've been making fun of, you know, this group and that group too much. So I got to make sure I do equally. The only thing I do when I'm putting together a new show at the moment and I sometimes go, there's too many jokes about that.

Right. So if I've got a couple of good jokes about feminism, I go, well, there's like four or five of those. But actually, sometimes it can look – my friend Robbie at Netflix, actually he's a good friend of mine, went – we were looking at the edit of the thing and he went, I think you're piling on. A little bit of a crutch kind of here, yeah. There was too many jokes about fat people. I went, you're literally – you're piling on there. You're piling on the people that have been piling on. Let's take a couple of those out. Right.

Because it's – Make a balance. A bit of balance is good. Yeah. Because otherwise it looks like you've got a real issue. Like sometimes I'll talk about I'm quite big on atheism from a personal point of view. And I find sometimes in the show I have to kind of go, I better be careful that I'm not trying to make a serious point about atheism in the show. Everything's just meant to be a joke. We're meant to be relaxing here.

So if people do have religious beliefs, fine. I'm happy to take the piss out of them. But I don't want it to be, I don't want to lay into them and go, this is the one serious thing I'm saying in the show, I really believe this. What are you, an atheist? I am an atheist, but I mean, you know. You're one of those atheists that force it down my throat that you're an atheist? Sounds like it, sounds like it.

I'm very big on saying that the atheism is now, it's a little bit, the atheists have got a little bit too smug. Yeah. For people that go, for a few years now. Oh, you know when we die, there's nothing. It's all been a waste of time. Why are you so happy about that?

Yeah, yeah. Dude, it's just like, I mean, That's not great either. I'm happy about that. Wow. Could you imagine having to spend eternity alive still? That sounds fucking awful. Yeah.

It doesn't even matter if it's in heaven. That sounds terrible, but I got to keep doing even matter if it's in heaven. It just sounds terrible but I gotta keep doing this every day. I put in 60 years. That's enough. We're only giving him 60. Yeah.

I bet most. I think, come on. Come on. King Cancer's gonna get you. Okay, you're getting me earlier. Perfect. I even think the lamps in here are giving you a problem.

Yeah, I suppose. Yeah, it's interesting. The atheists just, they became their own religion. Yes. Well, I do think as well, the belief in science. Arthur C. Clarke said, any significantly advanced science will appear as magic. And I think that's kind of true.

There's a lot of people saying, I believe in- Is that your alarm to get the fuck out of here? No, no, sorry. But there is something about the, you sort of think, well, i believe in something i don't understand and a lot of the times people believe in science in a way they don't really understand it but they think i believe in that thing right but you know i mean listen i think it's just a point about jokes about saying if your show is about laughter then you kind of can't make any points in it it's got to be just about joking and i really like that the idea of going it's a very unapologetically funny

special that i've done, which is four jokes a minute, and if you're not laughing, there's no point. It's not like there's a lovely story there and there's a lovely out. And some people write amazing storytelling shows. Right. Not me. No. You did have one joke that offended me in the special to this one.

The ghost. You don't believe in ghosts? Sorry, you believe in ghosts? Of course I believe in ghosts. So the joke in the special, just to catch people up, is I say to the audience, does anyone believe in the supernatural, ghosts, spirits, and the like? And there's always a group of people who go, yeah.

And I go, it's actually easy to tell if your house is haunted. It isn't. Grow up. But there is. There is. I'm being a cynic. I'm not being a cynic. There's a special name for people that have seen a ghost.

It's schizophrenic. Get the help you need. He's got ghosts in his house? Honestly, I was with you, and then about six months ago, I didn't see it. You didn't see it because you couldn't have. I heard what I heard, Jimmy. Was a creaky floor. No, no, no, no, no.

That's what I'm saying. I get it. I know what you mean. It's a creaky floor. It's the wind. What I'm saying I get it I know what you mean it's a creaky floor it's the wind what did you hear maybe it's a mouse in the attic

it was fucking footsteps all over the place in my house pipes hot water pipes I know what a hot water pipe sounds like

I know what footsteps sound like I know what it sounds like when someone's running back and forth on your hallway it was it was ghosts

I mean I was cynical about ghosts before, but you're... You know what? I don't need to convince you. I don't need to... Well, that's just as well. Much like your comedy,

I'm just not going to try. I'm just saying. Everybody is that way until they have an encounter with ghosts. Let's just extrapolate that a little bit further, okay? So if that is true and there is something beyond this physical realm, then it's all true.

Then it's all, there's God in the sky, the celestial bodies are governing our every move. It's all true then, is it? It's all, everything's, it's all up for grabs. I see what you mean

and that's where I was very skeptical, but all I know is something was in my fucking house that night. Are you a religious man? No. No. I think you should be. I think, or, but all I know is something was in my fucking house that night. Are you a religious man? No. No. I think you should be.

Or the other thing is- Do you believe in aliens? I think there's a probability that there are aliens. I think people that don't believe in aliens- Are dumb. Well, no, they just haven't grasped the size of the universe. Right. It is so enormous that it's infinite.

I mean, in all intents and purposes. What are we looking at here? Explain that swing. Oh, in all intents and purposes. What are we looking at here? Explain that swing. Oh, that one I don't believe. Oh, that's the one that really got me. So is this a video? It's a Photoshop video.

It's not a Photoshop video. Her dad took it. Yeah, no, I mean, it's a Photoshop video. That swing's just going crazy. It doesn't make sense. The swing next to it, not moving at all. That one, going nuts. There's a little girl on that swing. There's a little girl ghost. That's a Photoshop video.

Right. That's all that is. I mean, yes. I said it's fairly easy to explain away, but okay. It says swing swinging in the wind. Why is the one next to it not swinging? Well, I guess it didn't catch it. It comes to an immediate

halt. I mean, god damn it. God damn it, Jimmy. God damn it. Why weren't, goddammit goddammit Jimmy, goddammit why weren't you on my side on that one, I needed you there I left you hanging on that one I left you swinging in the wind on that one you know the G.K. Chesterton line no, whatever you're about to say, no G.K. Chesterton

he's a writer he said, if you don't believe in anything you'll believe in anything and I think part of the problem with our culture at the moment is if you don't have religion, there's a religious-shaped hole in all of us. There's a part of us that needs to be fulfilled and believe in something greater than. That's why every culture in the world has religion. So the idea of saying, I believe in ghosts or there's something greater, it's a perfectly kind of rational thing to believe. Because you go, well, there's something kind of greater and it's interesting and it's exciting. I think a lot of people go down conspiracy routes.

There's a similar sort of thing of going, oh, conspiracy routes. There's an Illuminati controlling the world and stuff. And speaking as a member of the Illuminati, we hardly control the world. My God, we're barely getting by this quarter. But the idea that you go, well, it's, you know, I can see why you would think it's a very interesting thing to believe. But I'm very cynical when it comes to if there's no empirical proof and there's never been. It's never been caught on camera. Well, except for that and now you caught it in my house or whatever.

The special is very funny. It is just constant humor. It just hits you all hour long. Well, it's the – Yeah, you need to change the name. You need to say the name or change the name. I can't say it. The ultimate gold –

You can't even say it yourself. Yeah, the best of gold. It's Jimmy Carr's new special. Jimmy Carr's new special. Yeah. If you go on Netflix, it's the front page. It's right there. It's right there.

Click play. Is it the front page? Oh, yeah. I went to Netflix this morning. It was the main banner. The featured – Really? They're giving you some great real estate. Really? Oh, yeah. I went to Netflix this morning. It was the main banner. The featured, yeah. Really? They're giving you some great real estate.

Really? Oh, yeah. I mean, that's... I've got to call Robbie and say thank you. They put up a poster in Times Square. That is such an odd thing. As a guy that... A 60-foot version of you.

I left a perfectly reasonable job when I was 26. I was working for an oil company in marketing, having a really boring life, and I went, I'm going to go and tell jokes. I don't care anymore. Love it. Kind of like Like a quarter life crisis. You know that thing of you get to a stage and you just go, you know what? No, I'm leaving.

Your brother left a perfectly decent job to come and help you, Jesus. I'm on that side on this one. And then suddenly they're putting up a billboard in Times Square. It's so odd. You know you made it, pal. You know how many people leave that job and they don't get the billboard

and they go, fuck, I shouldn't have left that job? Not you, pal. You got the billboard. Yeah, follow your dreams, kids. Follow your dreams, don't believe in ghosts. There you go, there's a message. Thanks a lot, Jimmy. Oh, what a pleasure doing it, you guys.

Thank you. Are we taking a picture with you looking so skinny and black? Let's try. Let's try. Actually, do you have a couple minutes to shoot a video? All right, big thanks to Jimmy Carr. If you want more Jimmy, check out Antsy Internet on YouTube. Let's try. Actually, you have a couple minutes to shoot it. All right. Big thanks to Jimmy Carr. If you want more Jimmy, check out Answer the Internet on YouTube.

Subscribe to it. We're going to have a new episode tonight with... Andrew Schultz. Andrew Schultz, who is a monster. Answer the Internet with Andrew Schultz brought to you by Robinhood. It's the investment app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos all commission-free. Most brokerages charge up to $10 for every trade. Robinhood doesn't charge any commissions, so you can trade stocks and keep

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Andrew Schultz is... Theo Vaughn was kind of like the new guy on the scene, and I think Andrew Schultz is right on his heels, going to be the next big thing. He already kind of is. I feel bad sometimes when I'm like, these guys are going to be the next big thing when they're already selling out.

Yeah, they're way bigger than us. Yeah, we're not really finding them that early or anything. But with our world, we're kind of introducing. It's a different universe. It really is. I mean, Schultz is literally selling out theaters around the world. So he's well-known. But the Barstool world, which is not very stand-up comedian-oriented,

is getting introduced to these guys. So even Theo had really popped. I think we're going to be introducing Andrew to a lot of people. And they are going to like him. So his answer to the internet is out tonight. Full podcast with him shortly. Probably a week from today. Full.

Like we sat down like a full hour with him. So our 20th. Yeah. It'll be like, he'll be like a third cohost for that episode. So keep that tonight. And like John said, subscribe.

There's an Instagram account at answer the internet. Follow that and make sure. Can we go out with uh the newfound glory this is me um i mean i just need people to keep like punk bands pop punk bands to keep remaking greatest showman songs because oh is that what they did there this is like panic it's unbelievable it's it's crazy how good they all are every single one it's just like now the video for this one is i mean newfound glory is a big Big band Newfound Glory is a hit

Yeah Shockingly Awful music video Really? I mean they just put on like costumes Music videos are everything to me bro I don't know I'm not a stranger to the dark

Hide away They say We don't want you broken parts I'm trying to be ashamed of all my scars Run away, they say Don't wanna love you as you are But I won't let them bring me down in dust I know that there's a place for us

Before we get glorious When the shot burns, I'm gonna cut you down for us before we get glorious when the shoppers burn from the country town I'm gonna stand in

front of the traffic the music video is so bad is that is it up

right now oh my god they're just like running around like in the street oh