KFC Radio - JK Simmons, House Lannister, and First Dates At Chipotle

Episode Date: March 12, 2019

JK Simmons (57:20) gives a good clean interview discussing his roles in Whiplash and the M&M commercials, how he keeps a low profile, intentionally intimidating podcast hosts, his iconic acceptance speech, a role with no lines, and then he explains what the weird words on his hat means. John has something he wants to cancel, and also claims to have never been on a date. KFC has the secret to a good first date and a caller disastrous first date at Chipotle. You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. KFC Radio Day, also AMA Day for me. So if you don't have enough KFC Radio or Feidelberg in your life today, go to barcelogold.com slash KFC, sign up, and we'll do an AMA. I don't think I have any secrets but we'll find out sitting on the hot seat we're gonna ask Feidelberg all sorts of shit I honestly have no idea what people were gonna my

they were at the downstairs they were asking for my tagline for it what do you want to like say to promote it and I say so uninteresting I can't even think of a tagline that's my tagline I don't hate it. I don't hate it.

The amount of like, all right, KFC is going to do this AMA. We got to be careful about this and the other thing. Don't say this. Your lawyer is going to get mad about that. You're going to jeopardize your fucking life with this or that. You son of a bitch. Yeah. The fact that he just lives a life that is so carefree that you can ask.

That's actually the barometer of whether your life is fucked up or not. Can someone come up to you and just ask you a question and completely fuck your shit up? Those people, all they have to do is pick a topic, ask me a question, and I'd be like, shit, what am I going to do? Fights, you can answer whatever you want. See, but I think that's a... My life is so fucked up and so weird that it's like, I'm like, yeah, I'll talk about anything. I don't give a shit. Yeah, you're going to get truly anything goes

with your boy, Fidel Burke. Yeah. Barstoolgold.com slash KFC. Sign up. Today's episode of KFC Radio is brought to you by New Amsterdam Vodka. What's New Amsterdam? There's old Amsterdam.

There's Amsterdam. What's New Amsterdam? A vodka company Amsterdam. There's Amsterdam. What's New Amsterdam? A vodka company. Is there a place? I don't think so. Because there's just Amsterdam, right? I think it was New York. Right. That's what I thought too, right? The Amsterdam app. The Dutch version. And then we just yanked that and called it York instead, right? I think so.

New York. It's kind of weird when it's just like we just built new cities and just called them new. Like, well, there's always York and Amsterdam. Now there's... But why don't we call the other ones old York? I mean, naming things is frustrating. Naming things is hard. Shakespeare was fucking good at it. It's the new one. We were running through the Shakespeare list the other day.

You know who invented the word swagger? Shakespeare. That's crazy. And like, absolute? Like, that's a weird adjective. Nobody had that word before? People were dumb before Billy Shakes. That's crazy. And like absolute, like that's a weird adjective. Yeah. Nobody had that word before? People were dumb before Billy Shakes.

So old Amsterdam. Old Amsterdam vodka is some like busted-ass vodka. It tastes terrible. It comes in like a plastic bottle, and you can't even do shots of it. New Amsterdam vodka is that smooth, that good, good. New Amsterdam is really good. It really is. You know what?

Here's the cosign. Here's a cosign I can give it. I'll do it on his behalf. Large likes it. Ah, yeah. Large is the most, he's the bougiest motherfucker out there. He's always drinking his vodka martinis. He's like, I can get down with New Amsterdam.

That's how you know it's a quality vodka. You can sip it. You can shoot it. You can drink it chilled on the rocks, mixed up with all your favorite mixers. And it's, you know, distilled a zillion times over. And it's for hockey fans, for the chicklet fans, it's for the KFC radio fans. Try out a New Amsterdam Mule. Try out Feidelberg's mix, a little lime juice, a little Sprite.

Ooh, buddy, that was a good drink. It was actually La Croix. That's right. That's right. The La Croix. Get yourself a La Croix in New Amsterdam and make yourself a Feidelberg cocktail. Good to go. New Amsterdam vodka. Check it out.

We need. Whoa, buddy. I thought the whole top was coming off there. Oh, but it's sexier with it on because it's Tim Riggins. It's so hot in here. My body is always sexier with something on it. My body is a temple that needs to be hidden at all times. It's who? I forget.

Someone has a... Some comedian has a bit about it. My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Tibet where they just let the monkeys shit all over the place. That's me. That's my temple. You just run wild with wild animals. My temple is like an ancient Greek temple now. In ruins.

2019. Just falling apart One pillar Still sticking up That's all I got I got a massage yesterday I go to this Fucking old Asian lady

Not Bob Craft situation Legit spot And she goes to Work on me bro And she's telling me Everything wrong with my body This thing's a catastrophe It's like

This leg Shorter than this leg This shoulder Higher than this shoulder She's yanking me In all different directions And it's like this leg shorter than this leg this shoulder higher than this shoulder she's yanking me in all different directions and she's like you feel better day after tomorrow i was like what tuesday she's like yeah she's like tomorrow you don't feel good and guess what don't fucking feel good she's right she fucking worked me dude she was giving me like nice massages and she's like the fun is over now what does that mean she yanked me to part bro uh it's hot as shit in this office i got i i i don't know what's going on here i don't know if it's a chicken or the egg situation i don't know if it's now that my life is

in a spot where i'm going out more i'm hanging around here more or i'm just viewing the world differently this place is a fucking circus man I'm drunk all the time now. That guy, Rob, was drinking Listerine in the middle of the rundown. Did you see that move? Did you have your headphones on for the rundown? No. It was crazy. He just drank Listerine?

He's sitting at his desk. He just takes a swig of the Listerine. I'm like, you're drinking Listerine on the rundown. And he was like, meaning like pointing to the bathroom. Like, no, I was going to go spit it out. I was like, you drink Listerine at your desk to get up to go to the bathroom and spit it out. No, you don't. You were going to swallow it or spit.

Yeah. And then he swallowed it. He swallowed the Listerine. Get a nice buzz on. Yeah, he drank the Listerine. No, I mean. It's outright gas. I peer pressured him into it.

But yeah, but yeah, he did it. You gasped. Yeah, he just drank it. He just drank it. It was the pink Listerine, too. So I see like the pink bottle go up. I was like, what the fuck is going onped. Yeah, he just drank it. He just drank it. It was the pink Listerine, too, so I see the pink bottle go up. I was like, what the fuck is going on here? We're drunk all the time.

Dan's about to fight Jose Canseco. Sex toys are getting mailed left and right. It is a circus, bro. It's getting harder and harder to tell people that it's a legitimate place of work. You know? All we do is, all right, here's what happens. You know? Like, all we do is... All right, here's what happens. You walk in, you open up the mail, boom.

It's a sex toy and some liquor. That's usually what's happening around here. That's largely what gets out of this office. Very, very often, sex toys and liquor. And then somebody's, like, doing something stupid, like Marty's got a bird or this guy's drinking Listerine. Then the whole office will spend about three hours arguing about how fast

Carabas can throw something and then we get drunk and then we do it again that's work it's a show these days man am I wrong is it something new has it always been this way and I didn't notice or maybe I just wasn't a part of it because I was going home and shit I don't know what's happening

but yeah I think it's always been this way. I remember when I gave a tour to like a seven year old came into the office. The dad was like, a lot of liquor bottles on desk. Everyone's drunk pretty much all the time. He did not find it fun.

He was not entertained by that idea. Like ear muffing with their kid. I guess I was always like, get my shit done. I run out of here and I get the kids. In the days that I don't have the kids now, I'm just like by that idea. Like earmuffing with their kids. I mean, I guess, you know, I was always, I get my shit done, I run out of here and I get the kids and the days that I don't have the kids now, I'm just like, someone's like, you want a drink? I'm like, well, there's literally no reason not to. We should just see if we can get to the point where people actually say, wait a minute, what's going on here?

What's the breaks here? Well, I mean, like, remember, I think YP brought in like marsupials to get, wasn't he the guy who like brought in a kangaroo or something like that? And then his chinchilla or whatever it was was living here for a while. And really nobody... It was humans and animals living here.

We should just keep bringing things in until maybe someone in charge is like, wait, wait, wait. I do not think there will be... There's nothing that people would stop at. Especially right now, this is a lame duck office. So burn it down, whatever. You know what I mean? No one's going to stop anything here.

Maybe if we start off the new office on a crazy foot, on the wrong foot, where it's just like, all right, wait a minute. Let's make some changes here. I don't think anybody's going to say anything. We should take suggestions. Just like what ridiculous thing can we bring in just to see if anybody would be like, this should not be happening. Like I want to just, we should just one day just start, like, we'll just stand up and we'll just, like, throw Chinese stars at the wall.

And be like, we're having a Chinese throwing star contest. And just see if anybody does anything. Like, what are you guys doing? We're doing a ninja star contest. And they'll be like, what the fuck? We police ourselves. Yeah, obviously. We did say we had to shoot the flamethrower outside.

Like, we did. We didn't just fire it right up in the middle we were like alright blatant like open flames but that was sort of like self policing like we were like well we're not gonna do it right at our desk there's liquor everywhere dangerous yeah it's been a fucking show man I've been I've been

I so I was telling you on CCK I went on that date over the weekend and I had to explain like what I do and as I start to say these things I'm like this is not a it's not a legitimate place of business sounds bad it's like craymerica it's like you you one solitary man living in an apartment that may or may not contain a chicken i was uh nervous as fuck on that date and i um i figured i i figured out the key to calming your nerves on a first date it's very simple it's very easy you just have to get the girl to spill an entire glass of wine on you how does that even

happen well i was being hilarious it was being my usual charming self and it was just like a like she was kind of laughing and moving her hands and it was uh it was a heavy pour because i was like we're gonna both have to drink this and it just went all over me and it was like, we're going to both have to drink this. And it just went all over me. And it was like the perfect icebreaker. She felt like, you know, oh, my God. And I was like, no, it's okay. So I was a gentleman. And then it was just like, all right, we went through this horribly awkward thing.

Reset it. Back to normal. So just trick your date into spilling on you and you're good to go. It's easy, yeah. It's a lot easier than the other stuff. Yeah, you want to have a non-awkward date, start it off by saying, excuse me, could you throw a glass of wine at me? You got to set it up.

You got to pick and choose your spots. You're at the bar and it's crowded. Maybe just, boom, throw a shoulder into her. Oh, I got bumped. You spilled on me. Good to go. All you got to do is make her do something hardly embarrassing to you,

and then you're the hero when you're like, it's okay. It's okay. Don't worry about it. That's sound advice, because honestly, no one cares. I don't care if she spilled a drink on me. Oh, well, no. It's okay. Don't worry about it. That's sound advice. Because honestly, no one cares. I don't care if she was going to spill a drink on me. No, I mean, she was like so.

Especially if it's just the two of you. Yeah. Like if it's with a crowd and it's not the person you're talking to a lot, you could be annoyed by them. But if you're the only person I have to spend time with here. It was also like we weren't. If you're out, it's different. I was like, we were at her house.

It was just like, okay, I can just take this off. You know what I mean? It's not like I have to spend the rest of the night soaked in wine. So I guess it has to were at our house. It was just like, okay, I can just take this off. You know what I mean? It's not like I have to spend the rest of the night soaked in wine. So I guess it has to be the right circumstances. But, yeah, just trick her. Just trick her into spilling, and then nobody cares anymore. That's good advice.

I can't give dating advice because I've never been on a date. That's what was interesting. I was like fucking around. I was like, this is going to be a top five date of your life. She's like, well, I don't think I've ever been on five dates, so has to be and I was like see told you told you it'd be top five dates dates are just a thing of the past it goes on dates anymore I don't know if they were ever a thing like past like 1950 right I mean I don't think anybody's was really dating you know what I disagree I feel like dating came back with the online shit with apps because you went on tinder

dates yeah you know because it was just like but I think the i think gone are the days of like a blind date or like a true first of course that's going to be everyone googles right away well right right but i meant more like i feel like you talk leading up to a date now whether it's like uh on a on an app or texting or whatever i don't think you're ever going in not knowing anything about the person. Correct. Other than their name. You know what I mean? Now it's like,

I already know where you work. I already know what your situation is because we've been texting for a little bit. I've stalked your Instagram. I've stalked your... Right. I don't do that shit. I have like...

I go light stalk. I'm like a light stalk. Just a little gloss over. Be like, all right. You know? I've never been on a date, so I've never done that. You've never been on a date? I don't think I've ever been on a date in my whole life.

But what are we qualifying as a date? I have met girls. I've met girls and hung out with them until it just kind of becomes we're dating. But your first time is what? Like you meet at a bar? I usually meet through a friend. I usually meet, like, through a friend. I don't talk to girls in bars. You know, I'm scared of women.

But a friend introduces you. You text her or call her. It's usually, like, we meet that night. Like, it's like, hello, I brought my friend. Right. Oh, hi, nice to meet you. It's not like you got to call my friend. And then, like, the second time you hang out.

There's got to be some point where you hang out alone for the first time. Yeah, probably about a year and a half in. But seriously, so for the first several times, it's always with a group, like always with those friends who set you up, came out. Yeah. I guess the guy's never been on a date. Trying to like, you know, find the fucking... No, I mean like you can have somebody you're hooking up with,

which is like every time our friends go out, I end up going home with that girl. But then you don't ever say like, let's go to a movie where like let's hang out at the house and watch Netflix. That never happens. I'm just like always out or sick.

I'm going with my current situation where it's like... How this girlfriend situation developed it was never a date there was never a date i don't believe have you gone on a date with her now uh probably i guess let's stop before we get john in trouble this has never happened before where we can get where we can get john in trouble and i think we should stop what the tables have turned man i'll be now i'm like yo do you want me to edit that part of the podcast that used to be like we roll reversal we met like two years ago and then we don't john's had a girlfriend for two years we're just finding out about it

he just found out about it a year in he's like i think i have a girlfriend the uh yeah we met like two years ago and then we just hung out a lot and then i don't know probably like four months ago or something like that, it was like, hey, we're dating, right? Previous girlfriend? No, like, let's go to dinner? Yeah, but like previous girlfriend, we've gone to dinner, but we weren't dating at that point.

It was just like, hey, you want to hang out and go to dinner? You're my friend. This guy, he's just like, all right, we're dating, let's fuck. John's first dates are just smashing. No. Yeah, right. I think it'll take like a year of groundwork to get tricks on one to have sex with me. Real long time.

I guess I haven't. I don't know. I can say definitively, I've never been on a date. I know that for a fact. I've never been on a date. What about like for a fact. I've never been on a date. What about like 15? Like, let's go get some ice cream and a movie. Like, none of that.

I hung out with friends. It was always a group thing. Yeah. I certainly wasn't 15 years old being like, you want to go to dinner? Yeah. I don't have the confidence to do that now as a 30-year-old man. As a confused teenager going through puberty. I think I go on dates.

Yeah, I think everybody goes on dates. He's the weird one. Yes, absolutely. I don't know. I bet you he's not. I bet you it's 50-50. I bet you it's 70-30, John. I mean, a lot of people just hook up and a lot of people don't have a

great dating life. But I don't think it's outside the realm of possibility to meet someone, hook up and a lot of people, you know, like don't have a great dating life, but I don't think it's like outside the realm of possibility to meet someone, hook up with them a couple of times and then be like, let's go to the movies. I think that's very, it's like, uh, this other fucking world works.

Morons. I don't live in reality. I, my world is just, this is very weird. I don't understand how anything happens in it, but I have, I just don't understand. anything happens in it but but i have i just don't understand somebody needs to make a movie about this dude bro that would be can you see the

two minute trailer like it's like there there's some screens fading in and out and it's just a guy going i don't i don't live in reality i don't know how anything happens here like well in a world you know that'd be the perfect intro my world is very different than yours. So different. We sit right here next to each other, live the same life, yet the complete opposite. There's another fucking rom-com for you. That's Freaky Friday. That's like,

we got to do a Freaky Friday movie. We're doing it right now. That's what's happening. So you just need to tell me everything about your life. And it's true. It's not great. It's true.

It's not true. It's not great. Like, I've been telling him, I'm like, yo, I don't, you know, I don't like doing nothing. Like, I don't like going home anymore. I'm like pretty lonely. He's like, yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucking lonely when you're sitting in your apartment by yourself. Like, how did you do this?

He's like, it's not good. It's not fun. It's like, shit, you did this for like eight years. Well, you know, what's funny is like is like everybody kind of like starts like that. Like every guy getting out of college is like, well, I have all my free time that I can do exactly what I want with it. And most people get into relationships. There's got to be a reason for it, right? I don't know.

I don't know what. I don't know. Yeah, I guess there's a reason for it. You have a relationship or depression. It's up to you. Choose one. And then honestly, I think it's up to you. Choose one. I think it's like a road map.

It's like, are you single? Yes. Depression. No. Relationship. Depression. An arrow that goes back to depression. All roads lead back to depression. You're going to end up depressed.

Are you an adult? Yes. Are you depressed? Yes. Done. Life's not fun. It's going to end bad. Life starts with someone smacking you in the face and it just ends with you pooping yourself. There's really no good parts in the middle. There's that optimism.

I think what happens is I was in a relationship that I was not happy in and I thought that was the source of my depression or my unhappiness then you get out of it and you're like well this sucks too yeah Nate told me

the other day that I'm happier now I don't know how I disagree but yeah that's not true he's like you're so much happier these days he's depressed too what makes you think that uh i can't even think of one thing that would that you know your hair looks better i don't know that's that's pretty good that's not bad that would make me happy my people were telling me my hair would look way yeah so you got that going for you uh yeah that's

pretty funny that we're just living a long, a prolonged Freaky Friday right now. Instead of like a two-hour movie or like a one-weekend magic trick, it's just going to be like a many years long show. You're tuning in to just one long-ass Freaky Friday movie here on KFC Radio. Yeah, Kevin's going to be a single sad guy now. I carried that torch for a while. Don't worry, I'll still be dating sad guy. All right. So we'll just be sad guys.

Let's just call this podcast Sad Guys. What are we doing now? We got J.K. Simmons. I actually went on a date this weekend. Oh, you did? With my parents. Oh, my girlfriend and my parents. We all went out together.

Is that the first time? Was that a milestone? No, I mean, it wasn't like that. It wasn't like that. It was the first time I met. It was the first time we had a New York City thing together. So wait a minute. Now it's almost like the adolescent adolescent might go out the window, you know?

Well, I mean, I still don't have kids. Still don't have kids. It's important. Still get irresponsibly drunk. Yeah. So don't have kids is important. Still good. Your response will be drunk. Yeah. So now it's just adolescent, adolescent. Get yourself some Raycon earbuds. I had to wear my AirPods today.

I left my regular headphones at the office, so I was wearing the wireless Apple ones. Those suck, man. They just suck. Fell out of my ear on the Metro North again. Sitting on the floor of the Metro North. I'm going to pick it up and put it in my ear. No doubt has some disease crawling into it. Raycon earbuds. Shout out to

my man Ray J. Raycon earbuds are awesome. And they stick in your ear. They stay in your ear nice and snug because they come with the three different sizes of earbuds. They come with three sets of two of the little rubber thing. One of them, I'll be honest,

is like old man ear. It's huge. Huge. It's almost like you're one of those people, one of those hipsters who have the giant ear lobes. You have an ear hole that's enormous. It looks like you got shot in the head and you're looking to plug it up. Yeah. This is like your brain's leaking out of your skull and you're plugging it with a Raycon

Ray J earbud. You know what's awesome about them? I've had them for two weeks now, I think, three weeks now. I've never charged them. My other ones, I used to have to charge pretty much every other day. I have not charged these ones. I mean, that was my main thing is I would always go home and hop on the train and be like, it would die.

You can hear it from one earphone when it's about to die. Like, great. Trying to conserve energy here. Stupid. The Raycons, they fit in your ear better, they hold the charge better, and they're half the price. Literally no reason to not buy the Raycon. Wireless earbuds for everyone in a range of colors, unbeatable price, and you're going to get 20% off your order when you go to buyraycon.com and use the promo code

KFC20. That's KFC20 at buyraycon.com to get 20% off your order. Alright, so family date with your girlfriend, like a weirdo. Or like, I don't know, like a family. That's a pretty normal thing, I feel like. No, it was fun.

It was good. We did lunch in Bryant Park and then we went to see Network With Bryan Cranston Which is awesome It's so good It's a very unique play Where it's kind of like multimedia There's some scenes that aren't even on the stage

But there's like a movie theater projection screen Where they're kind of like filming off to the side They even go outside at some point At one point I want to do that It's very cool Let's do that for KFC Radio They're kind of like filming off to the side. They even go outside at some point, at one point. I want to do that. It's very cool. Let's do that for KFC Radio.

We'll get on stage live and have it be a multimedia production where we're outside. I want to do that. I imagine it's very difficult. This fucking guy. Make it happen. He's laughing at me. He's like, oh, this happened on Broadway. Oh, I want to do things like that. Bryan Cranston deserves like every award possible.

He's going to win a Tony for this. And I think we start EGOT watch. Right? You got two? What does he have? I mean he's definitely got like six Emmys. Oh I thought the EGOT was, I didn't know it was a career thing. I thought it was almost like a grand slam. You had to win them all. No, no, no. Jesus Christ.

It's very demanding. Didn't John Legend do that though? Didn't he like bang it all out in one shot? No, I don't think so. I was under the impression he did that all in one session. So he has the Emmy and the Tony. I predict he will get the Tony for this. I don't think he's going to. He's not going to get a Grammy, though, right?

Grammy, I don't know. I wouldn't be shocked if he's just a guitarist. Yeah, there's always dumb shit to it. Can't you do an audio album or some shit? Can't you do a Grammy for a comedy album? You could. I could see him doing that all of a sudden just being the funniest fucking guy in the room. And can you get a Grammy for a musical album?

Because he could be in a musical. I wouldn't put it past Grancid to do anything. He deserves it all, bro. He's the man. We gotta get him in here. I know. I think it's possible. I think it's possible. I don't think it's that far fetched to get Bryan Grancid in here. Because he seems like a cool dude that he wouldn wouldn't be like all uppity about this place he wouldn't be like all huffing and puffing he would come in here and roast us for being a piece of

shit and he would definitely be one of those guys like why am i here but in a funny way jk simmons yeah right yeah you know what jk call your buddy cranston up because i know you guys have some like you know we're good actors group text going on. JK was a trip. We'll get to him in a minute. So, you're at your show with your parents. Yeah, and then we went to dinner afterwards. I'll tell you what, man.

My mom is so fucking funny. She needs to be on the podcast. She needs her own podcast. She is. Polly podcast. Dude, she always, she, like, you talk about it with me. Like, you hear this story, and you're like, I've talked to you for seven years. How have you never told me this story? Like, we're talking to my mom, and she's talking about how we went on vacation one time when we were younger.

And we had a pet hamster. And it had died before, but she still asked my aunt if she would watch it while we were gone. Just so she could blame the hamster dying on her wow so she brought a dead hamster in a cage and then like three days later my uncle's like this hamster is dead you killed the hamster my mom was like oh yeah no i i gave it to you so i could blame like it was dead when i gave it to you i just wanted to be able to blame you to the kids. Wait, but here's the thing. I thought she was gonna go along with it, even with your aunt. She could have just

ditched the fucking hamster and just said that. She didn't need to make your goddamn aunt a party to this. She didn't need to bring a carcass over to her. She could have thrown that shit in the garbage and been like, I dropped off Harry the hamster at your aunt's house.

We'll pick it up later. And then be like, oh, it died at her house. You need to actually give her a dead hamster body. So she picked it up. She committed to that shit. Yeah, she's like, here. So I just have to have a dead hamster in my house now? I was like, yeah, we'll pick it up in a week. Tell the kids you killed it.

And then, What a woman. My sister demanded we have a Jewish burial for it. You guys sat shivvah for a fucking hamster? My mom was like, I couldn't believe it. I had to research out of a fucking Jewish funeral. My brother at the end of the funeral was like, just so we're clear we're

not jewish right he was so young he didn't really know he's like we're not jewish what a shit show that's an amazing scene that's like straight out of a sitcom holy shit and i get to see your father in the back like what the fuck is going on here? Wow. She was telling me my little sister's writing a book. Oh, wow. She called my mom to ask if she wants to hear it.

My mom's response was, how far along are you? If you're still in the early stages, you're out here on the first three pages. I'm not signing up for 50. Yeah, what is she going to do?

Read half my book? Thanks. That's a big ask. How long is it? Most parents would be like, this is amazing. I'm so proud of you. It's my life's work. I'll read like a first few paragraphs.

Is it a quick one? Any cliff notes? I'm cooking dinner right now. I don't really. I'm not signing up for a bunch of pages of books being read to me over the phone. Is she just going to read over the phone? I guess. I don't know.

That is a wild move. Just dead silence on the other end while you read, and someone has to just be like, oh, I like that part. Oh, that was a good paragraph. Great sentence. I would say no. She's very, very funny. Every time I hang out with her, I'm like, this is why I'm funny.

You're a fucking funny lady. You know what's funny is you've got to realize that your mom is, you've been around for 30 fucking years. You know what's funny is you got to realize that, you know, your mom is you've been around for 30 fucking years. You know what I mean? My kids have been around for three and I'm already like, you know, you bother me with this. You bother me with that. That was funny. This is cute.

You know, 30 years in. Holy shit. That's you. You just got to. I just can't even fathom that. Of course she's like, she keeps it real with you after 30 years, you know? I'm already like, the other day, the other day I just wanted to be like, Shia, you're such a bitch.

You're just such a fucking bitch right now. You know? I just wanted to keep it fucking real with her. Like, I suppose I have to wait. But yeah, you better believe that when you're, like, maybe 11, you're going to fucking get told like it is, dude. Yeah, the, yeah, yeah, leave it at that. I hear you have a cancel.

I do have a cancel. Oh, good. Well, it's brought to you by Trip Actions. You don't want your plans canceled. See what I did there? The cancel portion is brought to you by the Trip Planner. So don't want it to be canceled, and you want your business travel to be on point. You got to use Trip Actions.

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Oh, wow. I can just do that for you. That was a very good one. You want me to do it? Yeah. While you're talking or when you say the name? I don't know. That's a good one too.

This is a big time cancel. I've been stewing on this one for like a week. You know what I'm canceling? What? Feel good stories. Done. Canceled. You want a story that makes you feel good?

You can't have one to cancel. I put them in air quotes for feel good stories. Because it was what made me think of it was Taco Fall. The UCF basketball player. Okay. They're promoting this feel-good story. He saw his mom for the first time in seven years. She came to senior night.

Uh-huh. That's not a feel-good story. Why hasn't someone paid for his mom to come over? He fucking works for the NCAA. He makes them millions and millions of dollars. It's a ranked team. It was the 25th ranked team. They beat the 20th ranked team that night.

I think it was Cincinnati. They're a good, established basketball program. Why do you have this kid who hasn't seen his mom in seven years? So I think it's safe to say you are a glass half empty kind of guy. I mean, it's crazy. Everyone's talking about it. What a lovely story. Why is it a lovely story?

How has no one flown his mom over here to say hi to her fucking son in seven years? John would be so much happier if the mom showed up and he's like, this is mom. They see each other every weekend. I saw my mom on senior night. I mean, there's no reason that he hasn't seen his mom in seven years. I don't know if it was like a passport thing or like he could send him over there then. This kid should see his mom like more times than once in a decade. That's crazy.

How? And it made me think of this. In like December, there was a story about this teacher who ran out of sick days because he had fucking cancer and all the teachers band together to like give him their sick days like that's not a feel-good story either that's a fucked up system that's wrong that this guy is dying of cancer and his friends have to help him out for sick days fuck these feel-good stories they're so stupid another one there was like a kid selling cookies This guy is dying of cancer and his friends have to help him out for sick days. Fuck these feel good stories.

They're so stupid. Another one, there was like a kid selling cookies for his chemo treatment. That's a problem. That's not like, oh, look at this entrepreneur, this young kid who wants to live. So he's selling cookies. It's a seven year old. Just give him fucking chemo. That's crazy.

Feel good stories. Look, I like real stories. We make our children work their fingers to the bone to provide bare minimum health care. On the next E60. I like a real good feel good. I like a real feel good story. Well, what's one you like? Can you give me an example of one that like actually.

No, I can't provide you an example. I'm just leaving myself an out in case there is one real feel-good story in the world today. What about when the soldiers come home and they surprise their families? Is that like, well, we shouldn't be at war. They're stuck on their third tour. We shouldn't be at war. Not a feel-good story.

What about... Slim pickings. There's really no such thing as a feel-good story is what i'm learning yeah pretty much because everything you know everything is is uh predicated upon the other side of the coin being a horrible horrible story right horrible existence yeah for feel good you need to have it's like oh wow look we raised money to build this home that was ripped apart by a tornado it's like well yeah this family lost everything in a tornado yeah yeah we should be working on climate control it is the biggest problem in the, we should be working on climate control.

It is the biggest problem in the world. We should be dealing with that. Speaking of, I was walking to get lunch today. Climate change. There were these people, you know, the duos who stand on the sidewalk with their clipboards and their fucking cars. And they're, you know, trying to stop you to get you to sign up for something. That's how I got Om Prasad. That's how I got him. So I bought my Indian, and I was walking, and she said,

you look like someone who cares about the environment. And I said, nope. And I just kept walking. I do care, but not right now. You nailed it. I do care about the environment, but not as much as I hate talking to people. I was going to say, my level of care does not meet talking to strangers with a clipboard on the street. That shit's so stupid, too.

I cancel those fucking guys. Oh, they're so canceled. Because, like, it's not my problem. What was the stat? 71% of... Canceled. Our Neo Hornets are canceled. Sure. 71% of all like the,

the, uh, good things that commit that, uh, lead to climate change are caused by 100 companies. Me throwing away my Poland spring bottle in a recycler, but it doesn't fucking change anything, bro.

I'm just, you know, don't make me feel guilty. Go fucking petition them. Yeah. And also, you know, there's nothing that we can do to stop this.

It's going to happen. We're not going to save the planet. It's going to die. That's one of my favorite episodes of Newsroom, when the climate change scientist goes on Newsroom, and Will McAvoy's like, so what can we do to fix this? And he's like, nothing. It's too late.

Way too late. He's like, in the 70s, we could have done something, but it's not. Yeah, I mean, like, oh, okay, we'll just get everyone to stop driving cars. The whole world's going to stop driving cars. No. No, not going to happen. Carbon emissions, whatever. The planet's over.

Start looking for a new one. It's over. Cancel the planet. Cancel. Cancel Earth. It's like humans and Earth are in a broken, doomed relationship. There's no saving it. You want to go to therapy right now.

You want to go to couples therapy. You want to try to work out your differences. It's fucking done. And both of you are eventually going to realize it and break up and go fuck other people. Or one's going to die. We're fucking climate change. It's not going to go. Fucking kill.

Like the planet's going to die and we're going to go get in a relationship with Mars and that's it. Yeah, we're literally just parasites living off a host. And guess what? The host is going to die. The host eventually dies. We're going to die, and we're going to go get in a relationship with Mars, and that's it. Yeah, we're literally just parasites living off a host. And guess what? The host is going to die. The host eventually dies. We're going to kill it. We're going to take all its resources, and it's going to die. And we're going to go fuck Mars until that's dead, too.

Well, you know, the planet will be all right. Like, the planet's been through ice ages. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just won't be able to live. I just can't live on it. It's your problem, not the planet's problem. So, yeah, that's the thing. Like, we are going to break up with each other, and the planet Earth is going to thrive again.

They're going to be single. They're going to be happy and clean. Trees are going to be growing again. I got rid of that bum ass, and then we're going to be on Mars fucking these red rocks. Fucking red rocks, man. We'll be happy. We should have broken up years ago. This is really just a podcast.

Wildly ignorant. No, I agree. Hey, just so you know, everything's going to be awful. Just wait until that. Yeah. Everything is awful. All right, let's get into these voicemails. It's brought to you by FabFitFun.

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Because when Maya came over, she was like, where is all this stuff? I was like, I don't know. It's like an advertiser. She's like, this is incredible. This is crazy. Yeah, they love it. I'm going to have to get her one. Yeah, well, you shot yourself in the foot there.

I use the charcoal, like tub of charcoal shit. And I just scoop it out, slap it on my face, and I just rip the top layer of my face off. It is great. It is so good. I'm just like, get rid of all of this. So every time I open it up, I see those fucking, those fran and Rhea lurking, Just hawking, ready to, you going to use that? You going to use that? Yes, what? Yes.

You're going to use all of it. Minus like the eye makeup. Even that, I'm thinking about it. So just fucking, we'll see what's available for you afterwards, girls. You know, again, I think this is the whole idea here was that we're supposed to always be like, buy it for your girlfriend. And I'm like, I use all the things in this. So I'm trying to get FabFitFun, single KFC, trying to be those three

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How much are you saving? I don't know. A lot. I really don't know. A lot. He really didn't know. He really didn't know. To be fair. It's a $310 difference. Oh, that's a huge lot. He really didn't know. He really didn't know. To be fair.

It's a $310 difference. Oh, that's a huge number. It's a huge difference. Yeah. I didn't hear the numbers, if we're being totally honest. Sign up. You wouldn't be able to do it anyway. Sign up right now.

FabFitFun. The boxes always sell out. Use the code KFC to get $10 off your first box. So that means you get it for $39.99. And you'll end up with over $200 for just $39.99. Go to fabfitfun.com. Use the code KFC to get $10 off your first box. Voicemails, what's up? Hi guys. So I just have a little story to tell you. I'm sitting with my roommate right now. She's too scared to call. So basically she went on a hinge date like a couple weeks ago with a guy she had been talking to for like a week.

And so it was a Monday night. So she was like, he would like come to my place, like let's hang out. And she was like, let's just go get dinner or something like at Chipotle or something casual. So anyway, they go to Chipotle and they get in line and as they're standing in line, he turns around and says, and I quote, you're not getting anything, right?

And like, keep in mind that she hadn't said like she wasn't hungry or like she already ate dinner. Like, no, like nothing. Like it was her idea to go to Chipotle. So she was just so fucking confused that she just didn't get dinner and he so their first date he just sat there eating a chipotle burrito bowl while she like dipped on a cup of water from the

soda fountain um basically we just wanted to know like what's your take? What's this guy's deal? Should she ever talk to him again? Or just roast the shit? Girls, you gotta have more respect for yourself than this. Oh no, I would do that. No! I would do that, 100%.

No! You would just not eat food? Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. No. If someone says Susan B. Anthony didn't fucking die in a factory fire or whatever happened to Susan B.

Anthony, she did not die for you to fucking not eat Chipotle because some guy just bullied you into it. Fucking. If someone said to me, like, you're not eating, right? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, right? Oh, no. No. You're right. No. Why would I be eating? No, no, no. No, no. I mean, no. That is the most, that is literally the most insecure thing I can even think of. It is a human necessity to eat food.

Your body needs food. It doesn't matter. All because someone gave you a little bit of shame. You're like, nope, I won't do it. Yes. This is honestly I'm stunned anyone else has a different take. This is so obvious to me. I'd be like, oh yeah, no, I'm

not eating. Absolutely not. Why would I suggest going to Chipotle if I was going to eat? No, that's crazy. Of course I'm not getting anything. I just called you and told you to meet me at Chipotle. But Of course I'm not getting anything. I just called you and told you to meet me at Chipotle. But no, I'm not getting anything. This is the exact spot in between our two apartments. I figured it was easy.

I mean, it's a crazy question to say to somebody, but if you said it to me, I probably wouldn't eat for a week. This is so crazy. I'd probably never eat in front of you. Ever. I'd be like, yeah. I don't eat. I love that this girl who called for her friend was just laughing the whole time explaining it. This is crazy, John.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not fighting for its sanity. I'm just fighting for its sense. You think he's like trying to... Say that one more time. I'm not arguing for its sanity. I'm arguing for its sense. I don't know what that means.

It makes sense. It's not normal. This makes no sense. It makes no sense. I'd be so flustered. I'd be like, yeah, you're right. I don't eat. I'd find I never eat food again.

I'd be done with it. Let's just start drinking smoothies. I mean, you think he was trying to be like oh you know she's she i don't want her eating before we go on this date like or you know like i don't want her having like mexican food no i i think i think it was it was classic guy where like he just didn't even think about anything like he was he wasn't thinking like oh like like this might shame her and not eating this This might make her think I'm fat. Why would you not think she's going to eat?

I don't know why he would think that. It's not smart. Again, classic guy. That's beyond stupid. It's very stupid. But he probably just got confused. It was just an offhanded comment that's going to ruin this girl's life. Ruin!

This girl will check into an eating disorder clinic within the year, I guarantee you. It was just a confusion. He said the wrong thing. Ruin her. This is a butterfly effect shit. Yes. Oh, this could cause a war eventually.

Like, this girl might murder someone. And, oh my God. That girl, all she wanted was a fucking burrito bowl. It's crazy to eat. If she said, I'm not eating, what the fuck are we doing here? This guy is fucking crazy. This guy's an idiot.

I'm very ashamed of eating. I feel great shame in eating. I'm always... If we're at dinner, the moment I take a bite, I just hide my face. I won't talk. Even if I'm not talking.

It is funny that the universally accepted thing, the running theme here is how awkward dates are. It's like, let's go eat food in front of each other. The most awkward, messy, embarrassing thing. Let's do that in front of each other for the first time. Who would sit there? Who would go on a date to Chipotle? Yeah, I mean, that's...

But did they say first date or just the date? I think first date. See, that's, you know, if you're with a girl and it's like, oh, let's just go, let's just like grab Chipotle before we go home or something like that. That's very different than a date. Yeah, that's something like you're walking by. Right. Oh, yeah, I get it.

That's on the way home to our apartment. You don't plan to meet at Chipotle. Right. Who eats Chipotle in a Chipotle? I've never seen that happen. I mean, I've seen it happen, but never with someone who I consider to be normal human. It's certainly not on a date. No, that's it.

They just never talk about it. So she's a weirdo for suggesting that. He is a fucking idiot for just assuming someone would say, let's go to Chipotle, but they're not going to eat. That poor girl, all she wanted was some carnitas. And then she just got shamed into not eating it. And she will eventually probably kill herself or someone else because of this. Staggering how impactful one idiotic man can be. This will have tremendous consequences.

And it's all his fault. And he doesn't even know it. He just thought he was just meeting a girl at Chipotle. You know, there are times where I think I've finally conquered this. Because you know how I said my only talent is the ability to fill dead air? I think I used to just, if there was silence, I would just say anything. I think he was probably just like, say something, say something, say something. You're not going to mean anything, are you?

That was better than the awkward silence of a first date not realizing he just ruined her life i think i've gotten good enough that i know how to fill the air without saying completely moronic things but i don't think this guy did i think this guy was just trying to fill dead air yeah and he filled it with something that's gonna shame a girl into a disorder not a great one but why would you say like what are you gonna get right that's what a normal thing is. But he just kind of misspelled it. He just stumbled over his words. I bet he was...

You're giving this guy a lot of credit. We're giving him a lot of credit right now. I'm not. I'm calling him incredibly. This is all happening because he's so stupid. Stupid is way different than, like, manipulative psychopath. Yeah, like, he wasn't trying to save eight bucks or whatever the fuck a carnita costs. Maybe that, maybe...

Oh, wait a minute. That's what's going on. He's broke. No. Yes. I did not think that's what it a minute. That's what's going on. He's broke. No. Yes. I did not think that's what it is. I don't think he has money. I mean,

that is the most logical explanation. You think he only had $10? I have enough money for one. But isn't it presumptuous to be like, you're not, you're not getting anything, right? I think he was trying to make her,

I'm hungry. I got enough money for one burrito bowl and I'm going to make this girl say no to food. I don't, I don't think that people – That sounds way more logical than the rest of what the fuck is going on here. I think homeless people have enough money for two meals a day. You were talking about the dead air thing, though.

Yeah. And you know what I've done probably in the last year? I used to be like that. Say anything? Yeah, just talk. And I think it's because we talk so much professionally now that I just don't like to do it. But I've become comfortable with silence, and it's the most powerful thing in the world.

If you wait, if you give it a one Mississippi, if you give silence one full second longer than it normally goes, it makes people wildly uncomfortable. Yeah. Wildly. I feel like a superhero. Yeah.

Where silence doesn't bother me i'm very powerful yeah i'm just like i'm good i don't feel awkward i won't blink it's like playing chicken like i ain't swerving man i am just gonna keep going here in this silence you know how we got a soldier boy the only reason we got drake it was because we just sat there being like i'm not gonna say anything yeah let him go just let him rip i'm i'm cool saying we did with the interview with jk yeah i just like i noticed that there were two seconds of silence and i was like i'm say anything. Yeah, let him go. Just let him rip. I'm cool saying it. We did an interview with JK. Yeah. I noticed that there were two seconds of silence, and I was like, I'm going to fucking ride this thing.

We all just sat here. Now, I'm going to say this. I'm not comfortable with it. I'm hiding my uncomfortability with it. No, see, I'm comfortable. It does not bother me at all. But you notice it, so it has to be, it has to register on you a little bit. It registers, but I mean... It still makes me uncomfortable. I still feel... You know why? Because I'm the one fucking feeling this bass, you son of a bitch.

Yeah, I'm just going to sit here. Kevin will say something eventually. But I mean, like... That's what happened. That's how J.K. Simmons found out I was drunk. Because it was dead silence, and I was like, I got no more notes, and I'm a little too drunk to think on my feet right now. And I was like, John, you got anything else?

And he just continued with the silence. And I was like, uh uh what's your hat say JK uh the name of the fucking movie dude the name of the goddamn movie that was that was my uh that was my moment with JK Simmons I'm sure you'll hear it you could probably hear how drunk I was in my voice I just didn't even know you couldn't tell though if you didn't tell anybody

you would have been fine okay you you would have been perfectly okay if you did not volunteer that information oh man that was bad Oscar winner hey what the fuck's up with your hat well it's the name of the movie we've been promoting for 30 minutes bro yikes next voicemail

what's up KFC fights super producer BC first time long time love the show got a quick question for you guys. Let's see. It is Tuesday, March 5th. We all know that the Game of Thrones Season 8 trailer is out now.

And if you don't have a rockin' hard dick for this season, then I honestly don't even know if you're a fuckin' fan. But I got a quick question for you. If you could be born into any of the major families in Game of Thrones, who would it be and why? So, you know, I appreciate some feedback on it. Love the show.

Yeah, bro, that's how the questions work. Yeah, I would appreciate you. The Lannisters. Yeah. Like, the only ones who live, like, you know. Everyone else is, like, living in the fucking wilderness and shit. The ones who live in a city and rule. The ones with all the money. Remember when they, like, didn't they, like, have more money than all the banks combined or whatever that one time?

They're, like, looking for a loan. It's like, I'm going to have to go to the Lannisters. Yeah, I'll be the most powerful, rich family in the world. Like, I honestly, maybe I'm just not thinking to go to the Lannisters. Yeah, I'll be the most powerful, rich family in the world. Honestly, maybe I'm just not thinking quick on my feet. I can't even think of anyone else who would even be considered. I mean, yeah, the Starks? No.

The family who just gets massacred left and right? Pass. Like Jon Snow, he was so desperate to be a Stark. Why, buddy? It's like someone dying to be a Mets fan. This is stupid. You want to be a Stark? What the fuck? They lose all the time. There's the...

Daenerys' family? Targaryens? No. They used to run shit like prior, 10,000 years ago. They didn't even have a family. Right, but they used to run shit when they had the original dragons, but not anymore. And everybody else doesn't have like a dick. Everyone else, their dick's been chopped off.

I guess maybe, what's the... The ironborn people? Oh, my God. I'd rather be a Stark. Maybe the whatever Pablo Pascal was. The m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m. Some of them, right? I forget. The Viper. The Tyrellma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. Someone with an M, right? I forget. The Viper.

Yeah. The Tyrells? The Tyrells? The. Tyrells weren't bad. Oberyn Martell. Martell. Martell.

Martell, yeah. Yeah, they just fuck everybody. Right. They live in paradise. Fuck everybody. Oh, okay. So, yeah, when you put it that way. They kind of just do their own thing.

Like, they're. Yeah. They're far enough away that no one really fucks with them. Yeah, they're just in the desert, right? Or whatever, that tropical place. Just fucking. I just think of them as Latinas. Latinos.

Yeah, basically. They're just in Puerto Rico. Yeah. The Martellos are Puerto Ricans. Latinos are the best. Dude, I remember, what was it? Maybe it was the Grammys this year? Something like that that opened with the Camila Cabello performance.

It was her, Pitbull and uh just a bunch of Hispanics what's his name Ricky Martin and I was like this is so awesome man everything is so cool here

they just got flair they got culture we don't have culture white people have no culture we literally don't have culture I mean our culture is like we enslaved people that's it

we like massacred people left and right like hey what's hey what's your culture like spicy food and we like to dance. Like, what's your culture? Well, we killed Native Americans and enslaved black people. Now we're like dominoes.

I don't know. Speaking of Latinos, we got to touch on this J-Lo, A-Rod situation. That's tough for your boy, A-Rod. I think it's the best case scenario. Well, I'll tell you what the best case scenario is rod i i think it's the best case scenario well i'll tell you what the best case scenario is i'll tell you what best case scenario is uh nobody's saying this at all best case scenario is two days after your engagement nobody going on twitter and saying that you're fucking their ex-wife yeah that's best case scenario second best case scenario i can understand because they go i i just saw you said i just saw the stop

cheating on jlo tweet i didn't realize it was oh yeah it was a specific call out that's how you know that's it's probably true that's a little more i mean it's definitely true also and then i mean well well there's two reasons it's definitely true because they're famous right and jlo's probably getting her dick on the side too right i mean probably everybody's cheating right i would imagine so and when you look at um the girl d Dave was saying this on the rundown, like, she looks like an A-Rod girl. Like, she looks like one of those bodybuilders who was swinging from the trees and that. Oh, really? So, like, it's probably true.

But, so right now, so what happens? When you propose, you spend all your money on a fucking ring. By the way, a million dollar ring for A-Rod, proportionally speaking, I don't think it's that big of a deal. No. I don't think that ring is preposterous. The math doesn't check out, though. We're out here, the chumps are doing this three-month salary thing. Well, if A-Rod was doing three-month salary based on, let's

say, his $30 million a year type shit, $1 million ain't shit. Anyway, you propose and it's gravy. You're good. you fucking you have this there's there is a there is only one window in a man's life where he is like immune from getting in trouble with his girl and it's post engagement pre wedding planning because once you start planning the wedding you're in trouble again but that window is like this fucking free-for-all immunity phase where you can do no wrong.

And Jose Canseco just firebombed that. He just dropped a fucking atomic bomb on A-Rod's immunity phase. That's very insightful and not great. That's very rude. It's so rude. It's Canseco's ex-wife. Yeah, but it was his current wife. He doesn't have to claim that

What are you fucking Who cares who she's fucking now Zip your lip bro How about this This is the top five Most expensive Engagement rings JLo's already on there

Yeah She's been Four times a charm Jennifer She's only fifth right I think I thought it was fifth But I think it's fourth Either way

Four or five I can't I can't imagine Like I feel like you got two you have one that's bad maybe you say all right i'm gonna do it again with you know with all this new knowledge in mind and if that fails it's over yeah marriage ain't for you can't she's done some weird things though like she did her too early marriage she got early married before she was really famous she married her backup dancer which is like your close quarters and

that was what after puffy like that was after some she like had a meltdown right well puffy was the one for her but then he was running around with guns and shit so she was like i gotta break up with you because i can't have that and then i think she thought ben affleck was the one right and then i think mark anthony was the reaction married skeletor that was a problem that guy but he his his ring was four million dollars so a rod like you did one quarter of what the last guy did? Yeah, you got cucked. That's not a good look.

Kobe Bryant did the $4 million, I'm sorry I raped that girl ring. That wasn't even an engagement ring. It was an I'm sorry I raped that girl ring. That was the most obvious payoff in the game history. And you know what? She was like, okay, done, good to go. Paris Hilton got a $4.7 million engagement ring. From herself.

Paris Hilton just was like, pay for that. Who was the number one? Beyonce got five. And then Elizabeth Taylor got 8.8. And that was back in the day. Adjusted for inflation. Adjusted for inflation. That's gotta be like $25 million.

How much money do you think Beyonce's worth? Net worth? 400 million. She's like 330. How much do you think Jay-Z's worth? 400 million. Nine. 900 million? 900 million for Jay-Z.

He's almost tripled up. Beyonce. That's wild. So everyone's like, who run the world, girls? Ah, yeah, girl, whatever. Run along. Who run the world? The guy with 900 million dollars.

Fuck Beyonce. She. Run along. Who run the world? The guy with $900 million. Fuck Beyonce. She ain't shit. I'm worth three Beyonce's. That's crazy. Anyway. I feel for A-Rod. He had a fucking. He had his moment ruined.

Poor guy. All right. It's time now for J.K. Simmons. The first ever Oscar award winner on kfc radio right yes unless brian beer the second one one back somewhere along the way uh first ever oscar award winner on kfc radio brought to you by movement watches uh he seems like a movement watch guy because he's a jk simmons was a a cool cat very down to earth you would not i was you know a little like not nervous about him, but I was like, this

guy, you know, he's, he's slumming it. He's stooping low. Uh, but he fit right in here. He was a cool cat. Maybe he joined the movement. Everybody else is 160 countries worldwide. There's only like 130, which means we cut out the 30 bad ones. So it's basically all around the world anywhere. That's not, uh, like, you know, a murderous, horrible place. And, uh, all the watches started just $95. They've got matching sunglasses. They've got different bands, different faces, colors, materials, styles, sizes, all of it, men's, women's.

Everybody can join the movements right now. You use the URL MVMT.com slash KFC, and you'll get 15% off with free shipping and free returns. That's MVMT.com slash KFC and you'll get 15% off with free shipping and free returns. That's MVMT dot com slash KFC. All right. So we have fucking J.K. Simmons on the show. And apparently his goddamn publicist said that after the interview, not before, not

during, after the interview said that J.K. Simmons is not allowed to say. Goddamn. Goddamn. Piss. Simmons is not allowed to say. Damn. God damn. Can't say any curse words on this interview. So should have should have told J.K. before the interview. Yeah.

I was going to say, you want to let us know? Fine. Like that would probably be the way to go. Maybe tell him not to curse so much because he came in and he let it rip. He's talking like a sailor. He had the time of his life. You came. Damn.

I mean, it was 17 curses in 25 minutes. Yeah, he was letting it fly. So we had to now. And here's the thing. Ordinarily, I would kind of say, come on, like you. This is silly. However, we learned that J.K. Simmons is the f***ing yellow M&M. And they said that it would mess with that M&M money.

And I'm not trying to do that for anybody. That is the ultimate gravy train. Shout out to M&Ms. He's been doing those with the f***ing Santa Claus. That one's been on for 20 years. I am not going to be the guy. Could you imagine if J.K. Simmons was like, those f***ing Barstool guys ruined my M&M money? He'd kill us.

I mean, he would be within his rights. No jury would convict. 100%. Yeah, but he did lights camera, too. He only cursed twice. Well, we just bring it out in people, I think. He was like, this guy's f***ing drunk. This guy's an idiot.

I'm just going to let him fly. So, apologies for the beeps. But I don't know. I think it'll actually be, you know, it'll make it a little more memorable. It's a good interview. Otherwise, it's great. I mean, he was letting it fly. He completely was in Dublin shooting the shit.

But, you know, there'll be some beeps in between. Have fun editing that, bro. JK Simmons on KFC radio. Talk to him. Yeah, they got nothing either way. Yeah. What are you going to root for? Yeah. All right. Talk to him. Yeah. They got nothing either way. Right. Yeah. What are you going to root for?

Yeah. All right, let's do it then. Uh, it's KFC radio. We're featuring, we got a JK Simmons here. You are our first Oscar award winner. So,

um, congratulations. Congratulations to you. That's a, that's a big honor, sir. Whatever. I'm going to,

I'm going to just, just put it out there right now. Cause I feel like there's an elephant in the room and it would be awkward if I just went the whole interview without addressing it. I'm terrified of you. You're there right now because I feel like there's an elephant in the room and it would be awkward if I just went the whole interview without addressing it. I'm terrified of you. You're a bit scary. Yeah, good.

You're always kind of the tough guy. Scary dude. I'm very scary. I've been watching all your prior interviews and you're very personable and you're fucking hilarious, but I'm still terrified of you. It's a vibe that especially when I'm here in New York, I try to just exude that as much as possible.

Well done. That's the key in this city. You walk around looking approachable and there's everybody begging or sign up for this or can you help me get here? No, stay the fuck away from me. That's the name of the game. You're a Detroit guy though, right? I am, yeah. My first

10 years, born and raised there. And then my dad taught public school there and then he got a job at Ohio state. So I'm also a, uh, a big Buckeye guy, which is kind of a strange double something of a winner there. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, we had a nice decade with Leland in Detroit. It's kind of, kind of slim pickings lately. So, uh, the Oscar we mentioned, uh, I feel like you are widely regarded as having one of the better Oscar award winning speeches. You know what?

That's a beautiful legacy. And I never wrote, you know, I was winning every trophy there was that year because Whiplash was such a work of genius. I'm the fucking best at whatever, you know. You got like 30-something awards for that, right? Yeah, honestly, I have no idea. But a lot of them. I mean, you know, and I kept trying to come up with, you know, for every one of them some kind of something to say

that made sense specifically for whatever that award was. And then when it got to the big one that, you know, a billion people are watching, you know, I just wanted to talk about what was, what was important to me. And, and, you know, it was family, my wife, my kids, my folks, both of whom I had lost in the previous couple of years. And yeah, that was what stumbled out of my mouth. And, and, and I was honestly, you know, surprised at the impact it had. And, and even, you know, surprised at the impact it had. And even, you know, even little personal stories that I would get through a friend of a friend or something about somebody who, you know, I mean, people literally were calling their moms and their dads and, you know, repairing relationships that had been on the rocks for decades and stuff. I mean, it was like, you know, that's when you realize, you know, the power of the medium.

And it was a beautiful thing. It was great. And so many people get up there and they're kind of just listing off like names and people who probably deserve praise. Yeah, no, believe me, there's a list of names who were disappointed at the speech I made. Oh, by the way, I do have an agent. There were producers involved, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, Miles Teller was also in the movie, but, you know, whatever you gave it you gave it the broad brush right i think you started with thanks to everyone involved in whiplash you know who you are okay all right right you want to get up there

you want to speak from your heart speak to people who matter and you really knocked it out of the park yeah when i do where people actually are you joking or people like are they expecting when you go up on stage for any award are you are they expected to be like well i you know i produced it and i directed it and i cinematography are you supposed to you know i mean i listen i don't know i mean you know that was that was my one time running that whole gauntlet so uh yeah this new movie you're in uh i mean what a joke that is no no lines huh yeah i know yeah yeah they were afraid i was too old to learn my lines anymore. So, yeah, by they, I mean my wife, Michelle Schumacher, who wrote the film with her writing partner, Tony Cummings. And she directed it and edited it and co-produced it with her brother, Randall Schumacher and Eric Radzen.

And she also did craft services and props on the movie. How – I would think it's great working for your wife. How is it working for your wife? Is it difficult? He's not married. Just quick disclaimer there. No, it honestly is great working with her. And, and, you know, we met as actors together doing Broadway and on tour and stuff.

Peter Pan, right? Peter Pan. You know, I dressed as Peter Pan for two years straight. Two years every day. That's really embarrassing. And you're talking dressed as Peter Pan for two years straight. Two years every day. That's really embarrassing. And you're talking about it still? He was 29, too. It was really weird.

You ever see the old SNL school where Ed Asner plays Peter Pan? No. He's like, I won't grow up. And it's like, I mean, it was hilarious. Ed Asner as Peter Pan. I mean, I'm pretty fucking close to Peter Pan. If there's ever a person, when he told me I was, you know, seven years old and I wanted to be Peter Pan, I'm like, well, that's very fitting.

You know Peter Pan is played by a chick. Also very fitting, too. No, I think there was a question back there, and it was, is it great working with your wife, which it absolutely is. And, and, and honestly, uh, especially in a role like this, where, you know, I'm so sort of vulnerable, uh, uh, as, as an actor, um, to be doing that with, uh, with the person that you trust, uh, more than anybody in the universe was, uh, was a real blessing. And, uh, um, it was a family affair actually, but our, our daughter who wants to be an actor, we did a little, you know,

background work in it. And our son who's in college studying music contributed some to the score, some beautiful stuff. And yeah. And working with my family affair. Yeah. It was great. Yeah.

I figure you're always working for your wife again. Well, that's true. Yeah. Let's formalize it. Kids are always working for your parents at least they get a paycheck out of it sounds perfect that is funny though she comes

along and it's like here's your role but there's no lines yeah and that I mean honestly as that was developing you know during the writing process they were like well this character and you know just to give a little background on the movie it's basically it's this guy that I play as a you know whatever

well 60 year old because it's we find out it's his 60th birthday. Who's kind of made a mess of his life and made some choices that he regrets and is, you know, well on his way to drinking himself into an early grave. So he's home alone and he's in this self-imposed isolation. But then we see him as a 20 somethingsomething, played by Sebastian Stan, who's a wonderful actor, almost as good looking as me, so that was why he got cast. And then played as a little boy by Ian Armitage, who's now the most famous actor in the movie because he's young Sheldon on

whatever network that might be. And, yes, CBS. Yes, so I'm plugging his show.'m plugging his show like he needs to help this little come on we'll cut that out yeah thank you um but anyway that's the gist of the story and we you know we get to see some fun times and some you know some beautiful sex scene with sebastian and micah monroe who's one of the most gorgeous women, you know, making movies today.

And which my son wrote the music for, by the way. Yeah. But then I was making a point at some point in there and then I totally lost it. I was just blathering about the movie. Those people are also in the movie and it's not just me crying and dying and puking and bleeding. Do you find that, is it more difficult have you

because you do a lot of voice work and stuff like that so was it was it difficult to just never talk is it harder to do voice work or to not talk at all uh yeah they're just they're just you know opposite ends of the spectrum of uh you know what i'm blessed and fortunate to do for a living and and uh you know going in to do voiceover stuff uh animated stuff which i continue to do for a living and, and, uh, you know, going into do voiceover stuff, uh, animated stuff, which I continue to do cause it's, you know, fun, um, is, uh, just a different kind of theater of the mind. Uh, um, you know, where you obviously, you don't have the visual as you're doing. I mean, you do, you know, they, you know, they show you a drawing and this is what you're going to look like. But, uh, but you know, for my part, I'm generally like literally closing my eyes in the studio and just, you know, trying to channel whoever the dude is, whether it's. Whether it's a yellow M&M.

A yellow M&M or Kai, the scary bad guy in Kung Fu Panda 3. Are you telling me it's as equally being the yellow M&M and doing whiplash are equal? Well, not really because being the yellow M&M and doing whiplash are equal? Well, not really. It was being the yellow M&M pays better. So see, we talked to Dean Winters, who is Mayhem on the on. You know, he was we were competitors in both of those universes. Right. I mean, it's always been a pain in my ass.

Well, I mean, you know, he, he said, he was like fucking Oscar, who cares? I'm mayhem.

And I've got this paycheck for the last 10, 15 years. And it's good to go. You, you're sitting here going, but you also got your M&Ms and you got your fucking Oscar. So you kind of did it all. You know what?

Yeah. I had no complaints. Yeah. Oh, that's a good question. You had to keep one. You got yellow M&M. You got bum, but I'm a mom and you got your Oscar. Who know what? No complaints. You had to keep one. Oh, that's a good question. You had to keep one. You got yellow M&M, you got bum-ba-da-bum-bum-bum-bum, and you got your Oscar. Who do you think?

Yeah, you guys are going to make me pick. That's not going to happen. Come on! Let me put it this way. Let me put it this way. I'll take the paycheck. That's all I'm saying. Let me do this. We play a game marry, fuck, kill. You pick one, you marry one, and you got to get rid of one. Come on. Three of those.

I'm not going to piss anybody off. That's not going to happen. I'll do that about something else, but not that. What is that? He was like, I'm not going to bite the hand that feeds you. Come on. I didn't know about the M&Ms until today. That is, to me, that's my longest running gig.

Is it? Billy West is the Red M&M who's a voiceover legend. And we've been doing it for like 23 years. You know what you guys should do is make a video where you do like, you and the Red M&M do some fucked up stuff. Make a video where you're like

killing people. When we were doing Oz, one of the, well, now that I live in LA, they're referred to as background artists. In the land of Oz, they were referred to as the f***ing extras. But one of the f***ing extras did this brilliant cartoon of, because word got out op ed page, like a political cartoon of a version of the yellow M&M that looked strangely like my face wearing like a World War One German, you know, helmet with the spike on the top. And he's branding the red M&M's backside. You know, that was a nice little crossover there.

Lee Tergesen particularly appreciated that. What was it like doing steroids? You know what? As long as you keep your doses under control, you know, and then the rage is. Did you do the estrogen to keep the, you know, you got to get the cycles right. Let me honestly, seriously say this, because I've done a lot of, you know, losing weight, getting super skinny. And then I had that picture that broke the internet

that, you know, of me being shredded Santa with my, you know, giant guns. I mean, and all that shit is real. And I have sort of varied my physicality over the years, either specifically for a role or just because, you know, because I spent a few years being a fat piece of s**t, and I, you know, that's not sexy. I'm in that realm right now.

We know how that goes, JK. So most of it was just, you know, me trying to be healthy, and I haven't done, I have never done anything extreme in terms of starving myself or taking HGH or any kind of anything other than, you know, a little, you know, turmeric and some glucosamine to, you know, help my aching knees not ache so much. You're a good liar. Broccoli and brown rice and grilled chicken. That's what everyone says. That's what I feed my dog when he has a bellyache.

That doesn't turn you into a fucking superhero, all right? Well, and you lift a lot of heavy s***. I mean, you know, you work at it. In the trailer for I'm Not Here, which I'm not sure if Michelle made that, but it's one of my favorite trailers in a long time because it doesn't give away the script. Thank you. Thank you.

It's perfect. And I love that, and I hate trailers. And I love our trailer. And it was, we did hire a great company, AV Squad, to do the trailer. But then Michelle did, you know, tweak it herself as well. So the combination of what they gave us and the way she tweaked it is, yeah, to me, it's a beautiful trailer. And there's a long, a full and a short version that really give you a sense of the feel of the movie without saying, oh, and then A, B, C and D happen. You don't have to bother seeing the movie now because you just saw it. I just watched, I think, Ben Affleck's new Netflix movie.

The trailer is like four minutes long. It's the entire movie. And that's what most most trailers are these days. And this one was it was just so well done. But one thing that stuck out to me, aside from the fact the quote that says one of the greatest actors of our generation, shout out to you. Although I do think you cheat with that. I think you only do awesome movies. Yes, I totally cheat, and I only work with genius writers and directors.

So, yeah, the secret's out. You've just never done – we interviewed Ken Jeong, and we were making fun of him for Vampire Suck, I think, the movie. And he goes, yeah, that was my fucking yacht movie. I just did that for a yacht. You don't have a yacht movie. I think the movie. And he goes, yeah, that was my fucking yacht movie. I just did that for you. You don't have a yacht movie. You just do awesome moves. Well,

listen, fortunately, some of the awesome movies have actually paid money. So I know I do not have a yacht, but my kids are going to go to whatever college they want to. So there you go. But one thing that stuck out to me in the trailer was, um, obviously the,

the voicemail is being left. And that almost reminded me of your Oscar speech. Was this movie in works at that time? Like, was this in your head? Like, call your parents? Because at least the trailer kind of gives off the idea that he's been left alone. And there are just voicemails being left a lot. No, that's just some real synchronicity there.

And I'm getting little goosebumps here that you're talking about that. Because, I mean, I never thought of that. I mean, what year was Whiplash was 24, 2014. So the Oscar. Yeah. So the Oscar was four years ago. And I think I don't think Michelle and Tony were even thinking about this script yet. I think it was about a year later that they that they first came up with the idea and started putting this together. There's definitely a connection there. This guy

that I play at this stage of his life in this movie is the guy who didn't listen to my Oscar speech. Always listen to JK. That is the lesson to be learned here. Always listen to JK.

What's it like being the second most famous JK in the world? You know what? What a great question. I'm going to, I'm going to, I just, I just did this recently and people have definitely made the JK Rowling jokes. And, and, or honestly, I mean, people, you know, cause sometimes, you know, when you meet random people, you're walking down the street and somebody goes,

Oh God, there's that guy's kind of famous. And what the, what do I say to him? And, and, and I have had people go, hi,

Mr. Rowling. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm not married to her, nor am I her. That's, that's all sorts of mixed actions there that doesn't make anything although I would she does have a yacht

I'm guessing or certainly could have a fleet of yachts if she wanted so I would definitely what do your friends call you what do your family call you there's 9000 different versions depending on how long somebody's known me and JK

mostly but you know my my full name is jonathan kimball simmons and you take any syllable of that and somebody will there will be somebody who calls me that you know uh john jonathan jake jk kim kimball kimbo symbol call you mr simmons because i'm one of the best actors in the Well, I'm Mr. Simmons. Honestly, yes. That's the simple answer to the question. Please address me as Dr. Simmons. Out of the award winner, Dr. Simmons. Dr. Simmons.

Because I do have an honorary doctorate from the University of Montana. So thank you very much. Oh, okay. Anything else you would like to flex on us with, sir? Well, I have gigantic biceps as well. But then it all gets, you know, the universe has a way of balancing itself out. I'm assuming you are a Lions fan. You know what?

So you're a loser. No, I am a loser. Growing up in Detroit, baseball was the only thing I was into. And let's, you know, it's hockey town. I mean, how am I not a Red Wings fan? I mean, I am. I hope they win, but I don't follow hockey at all. I don't. No, I'm not a Lions fan. I'm not a Red Wings fan? I mean, I am. I hope they win, but I don't follow hockey at all. I don't.

No, I'm not a Lions fan. I'm not a Pistons fan. I'm a diehard Tigers fan. One of the best fringe benefits of being all famous and s*** is that, you know, 10 years ago when I was coaching my kids' Little League team and I insisted that we were going to be the Tigers for six years, you know, in Pan Pacific Park in LA. I took him and a bunch of his little knucklehead friends to see the Tigers when they were in Anaheim.

And, and I was, you know, I mean, at that point I was kind of well-known. We were doing the closer and I'd already done Oz and this and that, and we're cheering for the Tigers. And, you know, I paid for scalp tickets behind the dugout and guys are, you know, Curtis Granderson is kind of turnaround looking. Do you see that kind of look of like, am I supposed to know who that dude is? You know, and in the middle of that game, I get a tap on the shoulder from Tyson Steele,

who was a clubhouse manager, assistant clubhouse manager at the time, and hands me his card and he goes, hey, some of the guys noticed you. And, you know, we're all decked out in our you know old english d uh outfits and uh um you know hey you know if you want to come down on the field so from ever since then you know i think the next game i came back with uh with my son joe and his two besties from the team matthew and malik and and you know wearing our tigers gear and down there i still have the pictures of my phone of us with the jim leland and and Curtis Granderson and having that access now of being able to, you know, hang out

and have a chat with, well, oh, this is a sad sorry, I'm going to cry a little bit. Justin Verlander. He was one of the guys that I got really close with on the team. That hurts. He used to be a tiger. That hurts. On to, you know, he went on to pick up

a different sport. Come on. What would you give up? What would you give up for a world series? Um, give up a yellow M and M or, uh, or a gold statue.

I'm going to weasel this in one way or another, man. Uh, no, there, I would give up pinky. I would, what if I could,

can I chop your pinky off for a world? Left pinky. Yeah, sure. Yeah. give up pinky. I would, can I chop your pinky off for a world? Left pinky. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I really think I would give up. Not my pinky toe, but yeah.

So I'm, I'm, I'm always thinking about what I would give up. You and Hank is area. God bless your soul. You know what we should have done? We should have beat you when the Cardinals beat you. Yeah. I mean, that should have been me. Yeah.

Sorry. So, yeah. So in some, I mean, that should have been me. Yeah, sorry. So, yeah. So in some way. You mean the year we couldn't, the pitcher couldn't lob the ball to first base? Yeah, I was watching that the whole time going, what the fuck? Yeah, who can't beat these guys? I could have beat these guys. So fuck you, J.K. Simmons.

Yeah, I would chop off my, the pinky, not the pinky toe, the toe after that. That other toe, that toe is worthless. Oh, my pinky toes are totally worthless. But the one next to that is really worthless. Is it? I don't know. The middle one? Because I feel like the pinky toe kind of- Because it's like the pinky toe makes up for it if it's not there?

Yeah. Well, let's find out. Who's got like a meat cleaver? It's hard to isolate that toe, though. It is. I mean, that would be a complicated procedure. It's like lopping off a pinky finger, you know, boom. Right there. There it is. But you have to bend those other toes out of the way. But the toe in between- That's why I think it's hard to isolate that toe though. I mean, that would be a complicated procedure. It's like lopping off a pinky finger, you know,

but there it is. But you have to bend those toes in between. That's why I think it's worthless. You can't even isolate it. How can it be worth anything? Good point. You just get a, you get one of those,

uh, like a chipper and then you just hammer. So we're going to spend more time talking about this. I got nothing else to do. I mean, you clearly not, you're wearing an exposed shirt. Um, no, on social media.

How come? Because I just, you know, I'm just a dinosaur and a curmudgeon and I can't be bothered. Although apparently I am constantly on social media and my friend and brother-in-law, you know, is shutting down, you know, J.K. Simmons, you know, whatever, Facebook and Insta and Twitter, you know, all the time. Bill Belichick there. No, I just, yeah, I give a pfft for Twitter. No, that wasn't Belichick. Who was that? That was, what's his face?

Gundy? The college coach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mike Gundy. Mike Gundy, yeah. Who's saying that? Oh, it's on Twitter. Yeah, pfft.

Yeah, I'm a Mike Gundy. Who's saying that? Oh, it's on Twitter. Yeah. I'm a Mike Gundy. Well, you also, you don't need to. I mean, when you're as successful as you are, it's like, I don't need to Yeah, fortunately, I don't need to. And I don't need to do a lot of the hustling stuff that I should have done a better job of when I was a struggling

actor trying to get it going. You want to talk about hustling? Okay, look around. You're fucking hustling right now. This is some serious... I joke very often about people coming in here because it's a piece of shit. I say, you're slumming it. You are slumming it. Oh, dude, this is a serious...

What are you doing? This is the only bathroom where, first of all, you walk in and, yes, the toilet seat is up. Second of all, there's a laminated Drew Bledsoe 8 by 10, right? Not even Scott Zolak, not Drew Bledsoe. Scott Zolak, who was like, I don't know. That's, okay.

Yeah. Well, that's exponentially worse. There's a hydration chart above the toilet where semen is at the top and some poor s*** named Dave is at the bottom. There's a vase of red roses, a dozen red roses from

like 1987 that have been dust forever and, you know, pee stains on the floor, of course. What are you doing here? It's just like you have a nephew who likes barstool and told you know, pee stains on the floor, of course. I mean, what are you doing here? So this is a great experience. It's just like you have a nephew who likes barstool and told you to do this. Literally, why are you here? Dude, I have no idea.

I thought we were going to be at a bar having beers. Oh, go get him a beer. We can get you a beer if you want. I'll be honest. I'm a little bit drunk. I assumed that, but I don't know you that well. I was kind of nervous. Our booker was—

Yeah, I know. You got to loosen up a little bit. Kelly, our booker, is great, and she was very excited that you, for some reason, agreed to come here. And she looked at me. She said, are you sober enough to do this? I was like, I will find out. We will find out. I mean, seriously, because I'm a little bit buzzed.

So there's nothing else. So, yeah. Can you read? Are there more questions? Yeah, what do you got, Kev? What is – your hat says, I'm not here. What is that read? Are there more questions? Your hat says, I'm not here. What is that about? Are you kidding me? That would be... Oh, is that the movie? It's a dual purpose hat. I was a little bit drunk.

The drunk over here is not... It does have two purposes, though. It is to anyone who's not f*** faced, it advertises the film, I'm not here. Coming to a theater near you. It's out now. And if it's not coming to your city,

you can find it on VOD March 8th. It also, it also kind of works as a little inside joke, like, uh, which I didn't, it didn't ever even cross my mind, but I was,

you know, somewhere meeting somebody and some bartender went, you know, looked at my hat and went, okay, all right, I get it. I'll leave you alone. So it's like, I'm trying to be anonymous, you know all right, I get it. I'll leave you alone.

Oh, wow. So it's like I'm trying to be anonymous. Oh, I would wear that everywhere then. He was like, I'm not going to hassle you and get a selfie for my cousin who loves. I would wear that everywhere I go then. I'd have that plastered. Leave me the fuck alone, man. Well, you could just get a hat that says, leave me the fuck alone.

Yeah. Then there would be no room for interpretation. Our CEO has one. It's a winter hat. It just says, fuck off. All over it. Aw, that's sweet. Fits the vibe very well here.

It's good for the kids. Does he have little kids? Oh, it's a woman. It's she. Sorry, sorry. Sir, that was profiling. Another way in which I'm a dinosaur. We will cancel you very quickly.

You do not want that in this day and age. 2019. It's a great day and age to be an old white guy. It really hasn't been a bad time, but this one still works. Go see. I'm not here in theaters now. JK Simmons.

Thank you so much for, for really slumming it with us. Thanks guys for being shit based and having fun.