KFC Radio - Jo Koy, Best Guy Head On A Female Body, and Your Venmo History

Episode Date: November 8, 2018

Jo Koy in studio talking to John and Kevin about bungee jumping in New Zealand and losing your engagement ring. Also would you rather be the first 1000 people sent to Mars or the last? Why is Justin Bieber's skin so bad? Dutch ovening yourself. Fighting over you Venmo history.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode of KFC Radio brought to you by SeatGeek. Buying and selling tickets, it's weird. You don't know what you're getting. You don't know how much you're spending. The secondary market can be a scary and dangerous place, not with SeatGeek. They minimize all the risk. They minimize the price. They make it easy. They minimize the hassle. It's the best way to buy and sell tickets on the secondary market. Whether you're going to your favorite team's sporting event, whether you're going to see your favorite band, favorite comedian, we're going to hit up, we just hit up Bill Burr.

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Use the promo code KFC. Joe Coy's on the program today. You know him from Chelsea Lately. He is our fourth funny Asian guy. As we are the premier feminist, masculine, and Asian podcast on the

market. That's a good one to hit. So Joe Coy. We had Jeff Fox where he talked about how he wanted Middle America and everyone being nice. I'll take Asia, bitch. I'll take fucking Asia. You know how many middle Americans there are? About one-tenth of the Asians in the world. Thank you! He's the fourth

member, so he's like the four horsemen of the Asian apocalypse. He's on the Mount Rushmore of funny Asian guys to be on KC Radio. Well, it's actually much bigger. Well, not much bigger, but at least Hasan Minhaj is Asian. Technically. I mean, have we had any Russians on? Violet Benson was Russian.

They're technically Asian, too. That's some bullshit, though. You know? Asian's Asian. We all know what Asian really means. We're not talking about the continent. We're talking about that. We've been watching BBC shows.

And in Britain, in London, in the UK, they refer to Indian and people like that as Asians. Asians, yeah. Which is interesting. That's bullshit. I think it's because we can't say Indian. I guess we say Indian, too. We have a lot of Indians. America just declares everyone an Indian.

Yeah. Oh, no, for sure. There's all different classifications of them. What do you got? You got a tan? Oh, great. You're an Indian. You're either Mexican or Indian.

One of them, too. I don't know. Build a wall. All right, so we're going to get into Joe Coy later in the program. We got voicemails to get to. First, we're going to do some listener tweets. For those of you who are maybe a little too shy to call in or maybe a little too sober to call in, we got people who tweeted out some questions.

So tweets today are brought to you by 23andMe. 23andMe is the personal genetic service that helps you understand your DNA. Because if you don't know who you are, you don't know what you are. You don't know what you're going to be. You got to know where you came from. You got to know where you came from to know where you're going. So you're going to learn about you and your family stories. So especially, you got the holidays coming up, Thanksgiving, you can sit around the table and you can talk about politics and rip each other's faces off. Or you can talk about your family history and where you came from and what great, great, great grandma Betty did.

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Go to 23andMe. That's 23andme.com slash KFC. Get 50% off when you buy two or more kits. That's only $49 when it's usually $99. That's 23andMe.com slash KFC. So, the tweets we got today. These are good ones. These are qualities. Sean McGuire actually dropped two of them. So the tweets we got today, these are good ones.

These are qualities. Sean McGuire actually dropped two of them. So shout out to Sean. SMAC8883. Was he the guy who did the other one too? Yeah, he was. So he must be rattling off just good KFC Radio tweets for us right now. If someone decided to Google you

and only one result comes up, would you rather it be a bad picture of you or a link to Pornhub with a guy that isn't you but looks similar? As a guy with a horrible Google search right now, I'll take either. I'll almost take anything. I'll have it be a bad picture of me in a porno.

It actually is me, and it's a bad version of me fucking someone. That's what I would prefer my Google search to have. That's oh yeah oh yeah i will for sure yeah and i'll for sure take that i'll be honest i wouldn't even you know necessarily hate the whole porn thing yeah that's me fucking yeah that's right that's me fucking i've had sex yeah guess what i fucked on camera uh bad picture of you or porn porn doppelganger now we've seen you or porn doppelganger. Now, we've seen the Dave doppelganger, porn doppelganger. You know, that's one of the funniest pictures we've ever seen.

But it's not necessarily like we don't make fun of Dave for that. It's more just a funny thing. A bad picture, if you Google Dave and gross Dave came up, that's, you know, we're making fun of him. See, this is a tough one because. Because we have so many bad pictures of him. Yeah, again, if you Google me, it's a bunch of bad pictures. Probably going to be a bit. That's what happens. Yeah, yeah.

But it doesn't really affect my life, so I'm fine with that. I don't think either is that bad. I think, like you said, I'm not that worried. I have porn doppelgangers, too. You have doppelgangers in every industry worldwide. I probably have dictator doppelgangers. We just haven't seen them yet. They're doing a great job dictating.

I'm not letting the internet into their country. But the – I don't know. This one's not that hard because it's either. This is one of those things where it's kind of we run into it in real life where I get texts from friends where it will be like their friend's friend is on Barstool Instagram. We could take it down. And it's hard to explain to them, like, this might matter to you for a day. It's not actually going to affect your life. Even when there's like a viral story and someone did something horrible,

it's like, I understand the Google search when you go for a job or something like that, but if it's just like a video, like, no one's going to be like, I remember your face. You were the guy who was chugging the beer next to the kid on instagram you're not getting the job right never gonna happen never ever it's very narcissistic of you to think that people are gonna that you're that memorable you know we post 20 instagram videos a day yeah yours is off the first page within an hour no one a lot of people saw it everybody forgot about it and it's always i i have to i had to have it yesterday

that's why it's fresh on my mind it's it's i guess it's it's a gift and a curse to the amount of attention we get sometimes because because you know it doesn't matter you know in a day it's gone and we understand that and so i don't get worked up about anything that happened i'm like that's not going to matter in fucking six hours right it's like the 24-hour news cycle is dead it's a four-hour news cycle so i i don't get worked up about any bad pictures i don't get worked up about a doppelganger because i know it's really oh by the way uh it's an isis yeah it was right but dictator remember i have that isis guy yeah you were an isis like freedom fighter for a minute yeah pretty close yeah um but so i know that none of it really matters like that's that's a horrible thing

for a regular person to think. Yeah. Picture me like someone thinks I'm in a porn. That's, that's, that's my daily life. Like I said, man,

I'll take either of them. The news cycle moves fast, except if you're me, then it lasts 10 months later. Sean, Matt continues. If people are being, this is a good one.

This is a really good one. I like this one. If people are being strategically shipped from Earth to Mars in groups of 1,000, would you rather be a part of the first group or the last group? Last group. Really? Yeah. No way.

That means, like, at one point you're one of the last 1,000 people on Earth? Yeah. Well, Kevin, remember my goal was to be the last. So I'd probably... You got 999 to go. I'd oversleep that flight. No. i would just i'd run this fucking go out without me i'll get the next one there isn't one john it's okay it's

good i don't worry about it i got i mean i did that when i was in uh when i was studying abroad in spain there was a bus trip for the weekend to portugal and i overslept yeah missed it and i just like hung out in spain yeah i don't want to be with anybody else anyway. That's what's up. I'm good. Soon enough, I'm going to go on a vacation just by myself, just go somewhere for a weekend by myself. I can't wait.

It's going to be awesome. My mom's been encouraging me to do that, to go on, because my cousin just went to Copenhagen by himself, and she's like, you should do it. It is a weird thing when we get older, where when you're in college and when you're in high school and stuff like that, you and your friends' lives line up perfectly at all times. Yes.

You can do whatever you want. You always have your friends there. Whereas now it's like you have to coordinate a vacation together. No, it doesn't matter. So my mom has been trying to get me to take time off. She's like, you just got to do something. I'm like, what am I going to do? My friends aren't taking a vacation with me, So like, why would I want to do that?

And she was like, well, just go alone. And I think I'm, I'm warming up to the idea. I don't trust myself alone. Well, that's the thing in a foreign country.

We've talked about this, how it's like getting drunk is the most intimate thing you can do with a person. And like, I only get drunk with people I really trust. Right. Or I get like really drunk. Like I'll get a buzz on with anybody.

I don't give a fuck, but like, I'll like get drunk. You're vulnerable drunk. You better be with the I really trust. Or I get really drunk. I don't get a buzz on with anybody. I don't give a fuck. But I'll get drunk. You're a vulnerable drunk. You better be with the people you trust. Yeah, the only people you trust. And if I'm on vacation, I want to get drunk drunk. Right. But I don't trust anybody over there.

Right. Especially like I end up in Morocco. I end up in a Moroccan prison. Right. You ain't looking to do that. And that's where you're dangerous to be alone. But you end up making some friends and some strangers but they ain't really your friends you're in too much trouble

yeah plus you just i almost i could see myself being like i travel all this way and then i'm just like well i'm just gonna stay in the hotel and like watch tv or something like that it's like what am i doing here i just done this at home don't you think it would be so cool it'll be one of the last thousand people on earth no i see that see i feel like by the time they get down to even like the last like a hundred thousand they're going to mail it in on this planet. Your normal services and your normal things, you ain't going to be able to get fucking seamless when there's only 10,000 people left on the planet.

That's a fair point. But I think about those. You know what? A thousand people is enough for me. If you told me I had to be one of the first 10 people to go to Mars, we're fucked. But if there's 999 other people like we got a nice little crew but that's at least 990 i'm gonna hate yeah but i mean listen yes listen no matter what we're gonna hate people whether we're on mars or on planet earth whether we're earthlings or martians we're gonna hate

but what if i had a thousand people and i'm like that guy's the smart guy that guy's the doctor that's the hot chick i'm gonna go after this guy is gonna make my food and i have a crew that i can rely on to keep me alive then i'm down to be because then it's like we run the planet if you were like the only like 10 people i'd be like well i don't i don't trust me and the nine other people to make sure that mars is like inhabitable give me a thousand people we're good to go but like i think about it as like the haunting pictures you see on twitter just on the internet, when just regularly busy places are empty. Yeah.

I think that'd be cool to explore that. Like some I Am Legend shit. Yeah. I think it's cool to just look at the picture, let alone live it. Like better walk into Times Square and it's just you. Yeah. That'd be cool as fuck. Yeah.

It's weird. There's like the marathon bombing and the manhunt. There are those pictures of just like Boston shut down. Yeah. That'd be awesome to just be walking down the street. Yeah. It's like the world is yours. This is me.

This is my house. Yeah. You come to my house. But again on the street. Yeah, it's like the world is yours. This is my house. Yeah. You come to my house. But again, I don't know if I can't order food, I'm fucked. That's really the problem. You make peanut butter and jellies.

Yeah, I guess so, but it's like, are there even any peanut butter and jelly left? Because are the peanut butter and jelly manufacturers still around? There's only a thousand people left on the planet.

There is, but they left. You stalked them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as I, if you want to make the caveat that I can make sure I live my normal life and I'm down to one

of the last thousand, we could just run amok on this planet, that'd be pretty cool. If you gave me, like, make sure there's a pilot in one of those last thousand and I could just go

all around the world to certain places I want to do everything you're talking about, like, let me just go to, like, Australia all alone or whatever, then I'm down.

And also, the rules are you couldn't lock your doors when you leave. Or I guess, I mean, I'm going to kick it in anyway. Yeah, we'll find a way. You can lock it. Some walking dead shit. You just break your way into it.

All right, last tweet before we get into our voicemails. This comes from Keith. Izzy is busy. You're in jail, and you have to serve a year of jail time, but you also have a smartphone available to you at all times. The catch, for a day to count as served, you can't look at your phone. So every time you look at your phone,

it's like, oh, that doesn't count towards your sentence. How long does it take you to serve a year? I know my answer. It's never. I don't think that long. You think you could put your phone down? Well, I think it would take me... Knowing it's just sitting right there?

It would take me like a year and a half, I think. Because I think I would... Like you slowly got drunk on your phone, I think you'd slowly, you'd have to wean yourself off it. But I think I could wean myself off it in six months. If you put a drink in front of me, I'm gonna drink it. You put a phone in front of me, I'm gonna use it.

Well, you know what I would do? I'd just break it my first day. Oh, that would be some self-control. Smash it. It's really the bare minimum of self-control. Being like, I don't trust myself. I have no self-control. Smash. Ruined it.

All it takes is, you know, five seconds of courage. Like, I'm going to break it. And then you're like, fuck, I shouldn't have done that. But you're going to get out of jail in a year. I think, yeah, I think I'd be able to handle it. It's like flushing your drugs down the toilet. It's gone. And then you're like, oh, no, what have I done?

But it's one of those things where you know there's light light at the end of the tunnel if it was like eternity and it was just like you never get to see a phone again it'll probably be harder yeah then if you just nut up for a year you get your phone back i'll probably just be like well what am i gonna do when i get out of prison in a year yeah sit on my couch look at my phone yeah so i'm just gonna sit on this shitty bed here in prison and look at my phone as long as i'm not getting like beat up and raped and stuff. Yeah, but like alcohol is a year away. I don't want to drink toilet, what is it, bum wine, whatever it is.

Yeah. They brew in toilets. I'd like a whiskey, please. Oh, look at Mr. Sellout. Mr. Podcast over here won't even drink bum wine made in toilets anymore. Drinking his fancy bullet bourbon. Okay. Voicemails are brought to you by Eero.

Life is too short for bad. I'm on Mitch's ride, by the way. What? I'm on a Mitch's ride kick. Oh, okay. Yeah, I like Mitch. What an asshole you are. Life is too short for bad Wi-Fi.

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because it's that vain shit. It's that hope. We're like, okay, maybe it's going to work today. It doesn't work. I'll bring my laptop Bane shit. It's that hope. We're like, okay, maybe it's going to work today. And it didn't work today. I'll bring my laptop to the toilet. You know, regular stuff. Normal. And I always do that. Is that unique?

Well, I mean, I usually bring my phone. I bring my phone, but sometimes, if the laptop's in my lap, I just bring it with me. If I have to go to the other room to get it, I don't.

But if it's in my lap, I'll take this. But sometimes, the Wi-Fi doesn't work in there and it's just like, I just have a laptop in my lap. I'll take this but like sometimes the wi-fi doesn't work in there and it's just like I just have a laptop in my lap yeah this is highly inconvenient this is really super annoying right now this so Eero is exactly what you need it's a home wi-fi system it's got these access points that you place throughout the house that just boost the signal everywhere you go and they're

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Because you're going to use it. Get a good bed. You're going to sleep on it every single night. Get yourself some Eero. Get yourself that good Wi-Fi. Because life is too short to be sitting there like, well, it's buffering or it's reloading or whatever it may be. And right now, you can get $100 off your Eero base unit and two of the beacons plus a year of Eero when you go to Eero.com slash KFC. That's E-E-R-O.com slash KFC.

Then you enter KFC at checkout, get $100 off the Eero base unit and two beacons package plus a year of Eero and make sure you got that Wi-Fi through your whole house. Voicemails and then Joe Coy coming up. What do we got? Hey, Fights, KFC, what's good? So I just had a question for you guys.

So I'm in college right now and one of my friends just told me that sometimes when he's laying in his bed and he's under the blankets he'll like dutch oven himself and like get under there and smell his fart but only if it's a good one and i was just wondering like what your take was on this like how weird is it that this kid just sometimes dutch up into himself and basically huffs his own farts? Thanks, guys. Viva.

I'm not into huffing my own farts. Why? I can't believe I'm going to be the one shamed on this segment here. I can't believe I have to defend myself here. I don't get under the comforter. That's not the whole thing. What I do is I just do a little light breeze and just do a little like a waft fluff it just fluff the comforter like you can't just get

punched in your face by your own fart just why just a quick i don't know man i don't know just to catch your own brand yeah i don't i don't like fart humor but i like to smell my farts i don't like fart humor, but I like to smell my farts. I don't want to tell you. I think my farts alone in my own room are funny. I'll just fart and laugh to myself. Really? Yeah. Wow. I don't like farting in public.

I don't like other people's farts. I don't like farting in front of anybody. It's you in your private time. That's the most embarrassing thing I do is laugh at my own farts and smell them. That's the most embarrassing thing I do is laugh at my own farts and smell them. That's the most embarrassing thing I do to myself. There are other things that I'm sure I do. People are like, that's really embarrassing for you. I don't find it that embarrassing, anything I talk about or whatever.

I don't think I'm that weird. This, I do. I admit it. I wear it. Yeah. It's weird. It's weird. Didn't see that coming. Getting under the comforter is kind of a whole thing, but just a quick flick.

You know when you lay it out on the bed? Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, just a quick flick. Quick whoop. Yeah, usually they do that in a laundry detergent commercial, and they're like, they waft it, and it's a good smell. John just does that with his own poop farts. With his own poop farts, yeah.

Thank God you're done with that that salad phase that was rough for everyone around i'm going to get a salad no don't do it don't do it just don't eat the beets just don't eat the beets just keep i get beans and beets and corn it's disgusting it really is you're trying to be healthy and you become an absolute disgusting fuck i'm not trying to dutch up at myself i think your friends are fucking disgusting creature getting out of the comfort is weird that's child shit. But you see it. You ever, like, stink palm yourself? Shout out to Jay.

He was on our episode last week. No, I don't. You know, in Mallrats, he, like, jams his hand, like, up under his gooch before he shakes someone's hand, like, as a prank. Like, fuck that guy. You ever just smell your own hand? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's, you know, stink palm yourself. That's, now that.

I mean, I don't. Now that everyone's done. I'm not going to smell my own farts. I'll certainly smell your own hand oh yeah yeah that's you know stink bomb yourself that's now that i mean i don't now that everyone's done i'm not gonna smell my own farts i'll certainly smell my own balls i i don't yeah the balls is you ever do that sometimes we're fucking gross man we're so gross like why do people ever have sex with or anything yeah but like i'm gonna edit this out i'll do this is this whole thing is getting deleted no No doubt. Brandon, please. But, okay, now that we're deleted. Delete the part I'm about to say, too. Like, I'll do sometimes, like, in the summer if I haven't, like, showered. Oh, no.

I'll sit on the couch. Oh, no. And I'll sit like this on purpose. No, you, like, waft down. You smell down. Just, like, I will lean. I'll put my elbows on my knees, and I'll have, like, my head down basically intentionally. You're like, why are you...

That's a pretty strong stank because you're still pretty far away. It's not like your nose is all up in there, but you can still catch it. If you don't shower for two days, you can make that one. That's really gross. Absolutely move on to the next voicemail. We'll delete that part.

First voicemail. Hey KFC, super producer BC. I overhe that part. New voice, first voicemail. First voicemail. Hey, KFC, Fight Super Producer BC. So I overheard this one walking back from the Sox parade. I heard a girl asking, who's the best male head to put on a female body? I feel like there's a lot of different ways you could go with this one. I just wanted to get your thoughts. Thanks, Viva. Male head to put on a female body.

So I guess you've got to think, are you trying to go effeminate here, or are you trying to create a Frankenstein monster and get a really manly head on a... I'd prefer effeminate. Okay, so like Justin Bieber? Bieber's pretty. He already looks like a girl? Bieber's pretty.

Bieber's prettier than Hailey Baldwin. Genuinely believe it. Well, Bieber's got bad skin, though. Yeah, that's the math. That's the math. Yeah, math will give you bad skin. Like, imagine if you put... Joseph Gordon-Levitt came to mind.

Yeah, he's girly. He's got a nice little girly face. Imagine if you put, like, Joe... What's his name? Like, Manginello. Like, that guy. Yeah. The fucking manliest dude.

Imagine if you put his head on his wife's body. And Sofia Vergara's body. It'd be like a Frankenstein monster creation. Like, the most feminine and masculine thing ever. Don't speak that evil into the world. I don't need to see that stuff. That's terrible. Imagine his head and his dick on her body with like her ass and her tits.

What a freak that would be. The, I mean, I, I don't know. I'm kind of thinking now I like that. Like, I think it would be funny.

I don't want to fuck it, but I want to laugh at it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're creating like an actual alien. Who else is very girly, very feminine? Got the soft features. I just Googled feminine celebrities, and it's like Kim Kardashian. Yeah, it's going to be all girls, too.

I would put, I think Gosling's on there. You think so? He's got a soft face. Soft smile. Oh. Light eyes. I know the answer. Efron. Yeah. Well, he's got a soft face soft smile oh light eyes answer oh efron yeah well he's got that jaw though he's got a pretty fucking strong jaw gorgeous man yeah he is oh ian somerhalder oh fuck this guy which oh that guy yeah what's he from uh vampire diaries yeah him and nina dobrev were the fucking hottest couple i would just pay money to watch them have sex

um i would pay money be like let me just in your bedroom jared leto jared leto can get it i mean he's like almost turning into a girl isn't he sarah what are you nuts jerry parker and matt stone what no no uh what the the what did you just say before before that uh before jay parker matt stone yeah michael sarah before that the good one leto leto leto's a girl, so he's like, he's good. He's got the hair. He's been a woman before. He's transgender. He might be a woman.

He might be playing the long con this whole time. Next up. KFC, Fight, Superdome to BC, Logan. Going on, guys. I just recently started a new job. My first day, I go into the bathroom. It's like a bathroom that's shared by pretty much the whole building. And there's a sign on one of the stalls that says,

reserve for this guy between 1245 and 115. Obviously, at first, I thought it was a joke, but I had to find out if some guy was actually reserving a shitter for himself. So I go back later that day at that time. Sure enough, some dude is sitting in there. Go back again the next day, double check, taken again. So apparently this guy reserved one of the stalls in the bathroom for himself at the same time every day.

Just want to hear your guys' thoughts because it's an absolutely crazy move. Brilliant move. Absolutely brilliant move. You said brilliant wrong. How much time did he give himself? What was it? Half hour. Yeah.

12.45 to 1.50. Yeah, I mean, listen, this is probably for some people who are extremely regular. There are guys who they can set their watch to it with this shit. That's crazy. I read your blogs. I listen to your podcast exactly every day at block when I hit the bathroom. I'm jealous of that because I'll just go three days without pooping. You know what's weird?

When you get up in the morning, do you always pee right away? I said I don't do that, and mom and dad were like, what the fuck? No, not really. I mean, sometimes I have to pee, but this morning I woke up and watched some TV in bed. Yeah, right. They were like baffled that I don't pee right away. I was like, well, I don't know. I haven't been drinking.

I've been sleeping. Peed before bed and then I went to bed. I had a glass of water eight hours ago then peed. I don't have to pee right now. Why do you pee, old people? It's not uncommon. It's not like, whoa, I have to piss. This is crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not like you set your watch to it. Now, also, it could just be like, this guy wants some peace and quiet at his shitty job every day for half an hour. And, you know, that's around lunchtime or break time or whatever. You can just roll up in there. I mean, it's great. It's just like, it's like reserving.

It's like how you can reserve your own movie seats now. You don't have to show up at the last minute. Just like, yeah, I'm reserving my toilet. I'll be there at 1230. Yeah, but I guess people just listen to this. But, I mean, if this is my bathroom, we're in a couple months, we're moving, and we're going to have real bathrooms. And if someone starts putting signs that say reserved this stall, I'll go fucking pee in that stall during that time. Oh, yeah.

I'll make sure I'm there at 1245. I mean, you know, we're assuming that you're working in the corporate setting where everyone's just a little cuck boy monkey where you can just fucking push around. I mean, I'm not actually going to listen to it, but there's probably a lot of people who would, so you might as well give it a shot. It's like most of the time you walk in there, you roll the dice and hope it's open.

At least here, you've probably weeded out, I don't know, 10, 12, 15 people who are like, I can't go in there. It's reserved. See, this is probably the poisoning of this work environment where it's like when your coworker asks a favor, it's like, I want to do the exact opposite.

Yeah. And like, when part of my take is like a sign on the door, like we're going to be filming, I'm like, I'm going to pee in here first. Right. Well,

I'm going to use the fucking bathroom right now. I'm going to go downstairs. No. You know what? You know what the best example of that is? You guys always have this problem up in Boston. these people who put like a fucking lawn chair in their in their parking spot yeah yeah i am running right over your lawn chair i'm parking there yeah i mean this is not even they'll break your windows and i know that's that's the problem but

it's like i i don't even need to park near here but i'm gonna park there fuck you that shit is ridiculous but um there are many people who would probably be like, oh man, I have to go to the bathroom and it's 1230. It's reserved. I can't go. That's crazy town. That's some social experiment shit.

I guarantee you there's a lot of people who would be like, I can't go in there. You're right. There are people who just follow the rules. This is coming from someone with no confidence in themselves or respect for themselves. Have more confidence and respect for yourself

than to fucking listen to a fucking handwritten science that's reserved in a fucking toilet stall. For some guy who has to shit every day at 1230.

Go in there at 1230, poop and don't flush. Yeah. Get out. 1229. Get out in time so he can have it and he walks in there

and it's just poop. Wait for the door to open at 1230. Zip up. Walk out. Don't flush. Look him in the eye and be like, it's just poop. Wait for the door to open at 1230. Zip up. Walk out. Don't flush. Look him in the eye and be like, it's all yours. It's all yours, Mr. 1230.

Because if there's poop in the toilet, that toilet's broken to me. I'm not going to flush it and then use it. Someone's pooped in this toilet? Heavens no. I can't use this. Did you see the guy who went viral? He was cooking his spaghetti he said dishes are in the sink i'm still gonna have my spaghetti he put the strainer and the colander

over the toilet bowl and poured his his spaghetti into the the colander so it's like it wasn't touching the toilet or anything you know what i'm saying so he couldn't put the colander in the sink so he just put it it was resting on the toilet bowl, poured his spaghetti in, all the water drained into the toilet. And then he just had his colander off the toilet. I just, I still was like, this technically didn't touch anything. No, it didn't touch anything. It's floating.

Yeah. It didn't touch the toilet. I mean, you can't have your food below the barrier of the bowl. Right. But technically. You can't really even have any food in the bathroom. I don't even bring Especially hot steaming stuff.

I feel like that like wafts up the fecal matter. The only thing you can bring into the bathroom is alcohol because it kills the germs. I don't even bring a water bottle

in the bathroom. I'll leave it if I have to even just like pee and I'm walking to the bathroom I'll leave it on someone's desk

go pee come out grab my water bottle. I don't bring The alcohol is different. You're in the bar you're drinking you're not going

to put your alcohol down. Yeah, the germs get killed by the alcohol. That's how alcohol works. But that means that. You're in the bar, you're drinking, you're not going to put your alcohol down. Yeah, the germs get killed by the alcohol. That's how alcohol works. But that means that colander is below the rim of the bowl. It's below the rim and like an inch from the toilet water. You can't have that. Splashing

can definitely occur. The water is going through, hits the toilet water. Splashes up into your spaghetti. Yeah, that was some poor people shit right there, no doubt. Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by bark box bark box is if you'd love your dog if you consider yourself a dog person dog owner dog lover and you don't have bark box you are a phony until you get a monthly delivery of bones toys treats customized for your dog you're not a dog person. You are a bad dog owner if you don't get BarkBox.

You're basically a cat person. I get mine shipped. It's like my presents to Maisie. I'm sorry, RIP Maisie. My presents to Maddie. I send, no. She knows. I tell mom, make sure she gets it.

She knows it's from me. She knows it's from me. Although my mother tortured her one time. She sent it. She's like, it was addressed to you. My mom's like that. It was addressed to you. I can't gets it. She knows it's from me. She knows it's from me. Although my mother tortured her one time. She sent it. She's like, it was addressed to you. My mom's like that. It was addressed to you. I can't open it.

And she's like, Maddie's been scratching at this box. Yeah, they know, man. I guess they can just smell the treats or whatever. But I like to think that they just know. They know the shape of it. And they're like, oh, it's like Billy Madison. And he's like, oh, Nudie Magazine Day. It's like the box shows up.

And they're like, Mark Box is here. Duncan also, I he has he has just developed like some rage in his old age when it comes to his toys he just chews through every toy like immediately things that are like thick ass rubber that i'm like all right well this one's gonna last destroyed in like a day so i need the constant the constantly uh shipping new toys rips through the treats rips through the treats, rips through the bones. So having them delivered regularly, you can do a one month, six month, and 12 month plan. If you do 12 months, like, are you the cheapest dog owner in the world? Even six months.

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slash KFC. Get that extra month for free. Last voicemail before Joe Coy. Who is it? KFC, Fights, Super Producer, Trey from Chicago. Just wanted to get you guys to take on something real quick and let me know if I'm crazy for thinking this is crazy. Basically, what's going on is I met this girl, we've been looking out for about a month now, and she had a payment there for something and she did it via Venmo.

And as you know, when you pay someone via Venmo, there's a transaction that is saved. Basically, what happened is she paid me, we became friends on Venmo, and she began to look through my Venmo transaction history and pretty much came at me for past transactions I had with other women, asked if I was still talking to these girls, asked who they were. Basically got interrogated based off of Venmo, which I think is the epitome of 2018. Let me know your guys' thoughts, Viva. That sucks. Casey got interrogated based off of Venmo, which I think is the epitome of 2018. What are your guys' thoughts, Viva?

That sucks. I can't stand social media in relationships. I think it's a fucking nightmare. Who do you friend? Who do you like? Who do you post? Why do you say this? Why do you say that?

Fuck all that. But I can understand it. Venmo? Fuck out of here. I had a girlfriend who gave up social media for a month during Lent. And she didn't count Venmo as social media. So that's what she would scroll. She deleted Instagram from her phone. She still needed to fill that void.

So she would just that thumb treadmill. Yeah. You call it a phone, right? Yeah. She would just sit in cabs and just scroll through Venmo. But we never got in a fight about it or anything. Cause I feel like getting a fight, if you get in a fight about Venmo,

I think that's it. I think you have to break up. It's over. Because it's, I can barely take the ones about Twitter and social media and that's Twitter and Instagram. And that's where people are trying to fuck each other and stuff like that. I get it. But it's like,

I can't even handle that. Let alone, you're going to talk to me like, Oh, I, I like, I got drinks once and I needed to split the bills. So I bet, you know, get the fuck out of here.

And Venmo is also, it's the ultimate fake news. No one, no one actually says what that payment is for. So if you're getting mad about something that you know is a joke or a lie or something like that, like, wait, you got drugs with this girl? Like, no. I fucking split lunch. I work with her. It's not real. Like, of all the, I don't even count. I work with her. It's not real.

I don't even count them on social media. It's not. It's a payment system. But of all the social media stuff, that's the least believable least thing to get upset about. When it says you gotta put the word or the emojis I put whatever is there. Stu Feiner is just screaming in the middle of the podcast. It's like coming over

I'm sure. So annoying. So annoying. I like Stu. I like Stu a over, I'm sure. So annoying. So annoying. I like Stu. I like Stu a lot. I just trying to record a podcast right now, man. Also, can't you just put all this shit on private? Yeah, like put your shit on private. Put everything on private.

Fuck social media. But private is... I'm so sick of having my entire goddamn life in the public eye. The problem with privacy is it's what are you hiding? So then you're – it's a fight. There's everything. I'm hiding everything. Everything is a fight.

Everything is always going to be a fight. Honestly, I mean, I can't. I'm just so done on relationships, man. I'm hearing everybody's stories and everybody's problems. People asking this question and that question. How do I do this? What should I do about that? Did you hear this? Can you believe can you believe he said none of this it's never gonna work for anybody and these things don't work for anybody it's so unnatural i was preaching it for years and now

i'm living it it's so unnatural to jam your life together with another person's life and expect it to coalesce and exist together and be happy. It's so fucking pipe dream unrealistic. It's never going to work. Never. Sir, you have the floor. You might find someone who just acknowledges what I just said. As long as you're on the same page, like this shit is not going to fully work. Let's make it work like 50%.

Then you'll have as happy of a relationship as you possibly can have there is nobody who is as happy in a relationship as a single person who's happy with their life it's just not true and the grass is always greener as you're single you're like oh i'm lonely or whatever but then you get it then you get in a relationship you're like nope i was wrong this is fucking terrible so yeah don't don't be upset that you're single because trust me your life will be worse relationship you're in a relationship. It's just not natural. Maybe it was back in the day.

Maybe it was back in the day. Not anymore. Joe Coy is on the program. This interview with Joe Coy is brought to you by four. Joe Coy is fucking funny. He is really funny. Really nice guy, too. Genuinely nice cat. He told you he loved you.

He said at the end, he said, I love you, man. He hugged me. I was like, you're the nicest person I've ever met. Again, the relationship with Joe Corey, that's it. Four Hymns. So I've been taking the pills for years now. Now I'm officially on the full Four Hymns kit. Let me tell you something.

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20 gummies i just pee highlighter all the time comes. Dude, we don't need this many vitamins. Yes, you do. You gotta get that hair. Bitch. And then it comes with the shampoo as well. This is bright blue shampoo that I put it in. Sounds pretty. And I leave it in because I'm like, it's working, it's working, it's working, it's working,

it's working. And all of it scientifically works. I also guarantee there's a huge placebo effect that's making your hair grow. For sure. Because it's like, I got pills, I got food, and I got scrub. Like, my entire existence is geared towards growing the hair right now. It's great. 4hims.com.

Use the promo code KFC. It's $40 a month, which, again, if you're talking about keeping your hair, that's like, I mean, I would pay like $400 a month if I knew, like, if I was losing my hair and this was really working, I'd pay almost anything. $40 a month. And when you use the promo code KFC for your first order, it's just $5. They knock off the whole cost.

You only have to pay like $5 for some processing fee or some shit. So $5. $5 is... It's free. It's free. $0. Anything less than $100 is free.

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They go on thick and nice. So, 4hims.com, promo code KFC. Joe Coy, talk to him. All right, it's another edition of KFC dot com promo code KFC. Joe Coy, talk to him. All right. It's another edition of KFC radio today. We are joined by Joe Coy. You've seen him on Chelsea lately. He's got a world tour going now.

I've seen him on Netflix all over the country doing stand up. So we appreciate you coming through, dude. Thank you. Thank you very much. We just hugged in the stairwell. Yeah. Here's the thing, man. I mean, like so many people like every show and you shake

hands and it gets grosser and grosser each shake. That went from being so complimentary where I was like, Joe's a great guy. Like, I'll throw a hug in a stairwell? Wait a minute. Hang on. He shook my hand right before it. He went to the hug for you after shaking my hand saying that handshakes are gross. But you came in hot.

Yeah, I did. Because we met in the stairwell and your guys' stairwell is extremely dangerous. If there's a fire, everyone's dead. Yeah, and someone got murdered before. That's how we got this place. We got it on the cheap. There's for sure a ghost, no doubt. For real.

It felt haunted. Yeah, it is. Because we went down, first of all, it's the steepest steps I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure that's not regulation. Very narrow. Yeah, each floor is like 30 steps. That doesn't even make sense. And then you came in hot. Yeah.

You were coming up, I was going down. I don't know why Paul was sending you downstairs. The studios are upstairs. We were downstairs in a meeting. I was like, wait a minute, you're coming with me, bro. Yeah, I mean, your fucking office looks like a locker room. It's trash. It looks like a locker room. It sucks. No, I love it. You know what I mean? But for you to question why Paul's taking me downstairs, you should question why there's

jerseys all over the fucking floor. It's not great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're going down, and you're coming in hot. Yeah. And you had that big smile. You have a good smile. Hey, thank you, man.

No, you do have a good smile. I appreciate that. Look, look, look. You can't not smile. I'm cheesing. I love it. So you were smiling. I go, oh, that's a nice guy.

And then, bam, the fucking hand came right towards me. And it's like I had no choice. I had no choice. I bullied you into a handshake. See, actually, because I witnessed that, because I saw the handshake, I thought I misinterpreted. And as we were walking upstairs after, I was like, fuck, I just hugged him. He definitely wasn't going for a hug. No, no, I was going for a hug.

But fucking Sir Smile-A-Lot came in hot right towards the middle of my chest. I am not going to be. So I had no, I had no, like, sir, sir. Look, look, when you put your hand for a shake, middle chest, I can't go for the hug. No. Because you're going to fucking hit me right in my chest. No, see, that's why I do that. Like, I'm very sick of awkward white guy handshakes.

You know what I mean? I hate handshakes. So, like, but, like, if I put it right to the middle. Right in the middle. And it's straight out. We're not doing that. It's like, you're going to shake my fucking hand. You know what I mean? I hate handshakes. But like, if I put it right to the middle, right in the middle, and it's straight out, we're not doing that. It's like, you're going to shake my fucking hand.

You're going to shake my fucking hand. And listen, you may not like the handshake, but the only thing worse is the indecision. Yeah. So if I put it out like this, it's like, is that a hug?

Is that a tap? Is that a handshake? Boom, we're shaking and we're avoiding all awkwardness. Yeah, man, for sure. It is true. That happens when you meet a lot of people,

when people know who you are, they kind of, you automatically go for a handshake. I met my cousin's girlfriend the other night for dinner. That's always awkward. A platonic girl situation is awkward. She got there before me. I didn't know what she looked like.

She knew what I looked like. So she came up to me from behind when I was kind of just standing at the bar looking for my cousin. That's crazy. And she kind of tapped me. And I immediately turned around and just went for the handshake because I assumed it was like a stoolie or something like that. And she kind of gave me like the look at the hand look up. She's like, I'm Samantha. And I was like, my hand's already out.

You have to do it. I looked back at my hand and we just had like a weird handshake. Oh, yeah. It was incredibly awkward. And I get in my own head. So it's all I thought about all dinner. Like, what a fucking idiot. I can't believe I hooked sugar in her hand.

I'm so goddamn stupid. Son of a bitch. The female like greeting is weird, too, because I think a hug can be awkward in certain situations. She doesn't want to be touched. Well, it's creepy if you go under her armpits and come up over the shoulders. You grab that ass or something. That's a weird hug. There's a half hug where you do a very gentleman-like, and then there's a creep hug.

You know what I mean? Long time. Where you feel lower back muscles. Yeah, there's no reason for that hug you're creepy but that's the vince vaughn from winning crashes they ask out hug that's awkward too you know it's like uh there's really no good way to greet someone so don't ever do it just keep your distance immediately ask for the high five i did actually you know i? I do that, too.

I'm so goddamn awkward. I'm incredibly awkward. Big time social anxiety. I'm a weird person to be around. I didn't feel that in the stairwell. It was a strong embrace. It was strong. It was strong.

Like, you grabbed my back, and then the fingertips kind of like meat hooked. You know what I mean? Like, you grabbed some back fat next to my shoulder blade. And that, it was a little creepy, but I liked it because you have a young face. You have a young face. I got meat hooked by a young boy. Like a young boy man. You're a young boy man.

Like, you're 14 with, like, 33-year-old hair. Yeah. Right? That's what I'm going to do. You have facial hair. You hit puberty. I have pimples like you like pizza licorice it's like weird i had uh sour patch kids for dinner last night and a peanut butter and jelly i love peanut butter and jelly man i don't think you'd ever outgrow peanut butter and jelly no no you do you outgrow peanut butter and jelly for a short term in middle school. We were like, oh, mom made me peanut butter and jelly again.

But once you hit high school, college, you're like, peanut butter and jelly time, man. I've been doing the triple deckers recently. I put another slice of bread in there. Just double up on the carbs. Load up. Sometimes I don't even do the jelly. Sometimes I just go straight peanut butter and milk. I'm telling you right now, the peanut butter to jelly ratio, always more peanut butter than jelly.

Oh, yeah. I'm a good 75% click on the peanut butter. I broke up with this girl that made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for a LA to New York flight, right? And I have to have like a peanut butter and jelly or something like that because airplane food sucks. So she made me a peanut butter and jelly or something like that because airplane food sucks. So she made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and she pulls it out of her purse

and the whole fucking sandwich bag is smothered in jelly because it just leaked out because she put so much fucking jelly and I was so mad. Like, how do you not know the fucking peanut butter ratio? Who the fuck are you?

I was so mad. Wait, wait, wait. Did they bring up the cause of that? Yeah, so mad. You had to bring up with her because of that. Yeah, it was done after that. Like, it was done. Like, how the fuck? And then I bit. I go, there's no fucking peanut butter.

She's like, jelly is where it's at. Like, bitch. Bitch. The whole flight. Jelly. Jelly. Fucking bitch, man. The whole flight. Fucking bitch. Over Bitch. Fucking bitch, man. The whole flight, fucking bitch.

Over Kansas, bitch, man. You fucking, what the fuck? Jelly's burnt. Omaha, Omaha. Fuck out of here. Fucking bitch, man. Did you like your jelly sandwich? Like, bitch, is it called jelly and peanut butter sandwich?

No. Jelly has been riding peanut butter coattails for decades now. Yeah, man. There would be no jelly without peanut butter. Fuck you, jelly. Fuck you, jelly. I don't even do jelly. I'm a preserves motherfucker.

I am a preserves motherfucker. I do some marmalade. I used to. I get some seeds in there. Oh, my God. Fucking seeds. I don't care. Look, Oh, my God. My. Fucking seeds. I don't care. Look.

Dude. It comes in those mason jars. Yeah. Yeah. It's glass. It's glass. It's got that hook that like. That shit is stored somewhere.

It has dust on the lid. Bro. It's there after like a holocaust. Like a nuclear holocaust. Bro. My. My stepdad is from the mountains of West Virginia. He still has farmers in his family, and they preserve fruits.

But I didn't know outside of strawberry and maybe boysenberry every now and then, I'll get that right. But I didn't know they made, like, pear and peach and apricot. Bro, those were jams. When my mom got an apricot preserver, I'd be like, listen, lady, I'm going to move out of this fucking house. I'm moving to the treehouse for the week. You need to get your shit together. Bro, they came to the house to visit, and they put, like, hillbilly bullshit, man. They had, like, a luggage bag, and it had those mason jars, and it had tape on top with ink pen, like, apricot, peach, fucking pineapple.

And I was like, what the fuck is this? Oh, my, fucking pineapple. And I was like, what the fuck is this? Oh, my aunt makes a jelly. She makes a jam or whatever the fuck it was. Bro, I ate all of them. They're delicious. I ate all of them. Moonshine and fucking jelly from the hills of West Virginia. Yeah, man, that's a cleaner dick.

It was like weird mountain shit. The hillbillies and the mountain folk, they love mason jars like white women love Tupperware. Everything got stored in a mason jar. There's nails in it. There's coins. Liquor. It just holds everything.

The remains of dead ancestors. They screw the lids to two by fours and light bulbs, they put the jars at the bottom of them. Right? So amazing, bro. They have a fucking, like, like their great-grandfather fought in a civil war. Like they have his thumb in one.

Yeah, they have a thumb. Everything is just a Mason jar. Whose thumb is that? Stonewall Jackson's. Yeah, man. That's your uncle's thumb. He's the reason why we got a house. Pay your respect.

It's in a Mason jar. You Pay your respect. It's in a mason jar. You pay your respect. Go fuck yourself. So true, right? This concludes the mason jar portion of the show. We just went in on mason jars. Mason jars and jelly, man. Fuck them both.

Right? So, Joe, you are the fourth member of a very illustrious club on KFC radio. Here we go. We have just here comes the setup. We have just been collecting the funniest Asian guys in the business. Oh, Jesus. So it had to be Asian. Yes, it does.

Yes, it does. Nope. Nope. We are getting racist with it. Fucking asshole. Asian only. You put it in categories? Yes, sir.

Well, we'll see. Hey, Asian funny guys. Get over here. Well, we'll see. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Asian funny guys. Get over here. Well, the first guy who was in it was Jimmy O. Yang. Oh, I love him. Who's on Twitter as funny Asian dude. So don't talk to me about categorizing you guys.

You do it yourself. If you're going to pick Asian, that's the one right there. So we had Jimmy O. Yang. I love him. Ken Jeong. You've been all over Ken's Instagram recently. Well, Ken and I go way back, man. I've known Ken.

Because you're Asian. Fucking asshole. I've known Ken when he was actually a doctor and just doing stand-up for fun. Well, not for fun, but pursuing stand-up. Yeah. And, yeah, so we go way back, man. You got to talk to him for me, then, because he's welching on a bet right now. That's right.

We had Red Sox on from Boston. We had a Red Sox-Dodgers bet that he never totally agreed to but i tweeted it was a one side thing um that we uh it was if the dodgers win um i would i would be in one of his movies for free i would i was really gonna offer that up yeah i've never been in a movie or TV show or commercial or anything. I've done a podcast. Hey, man, get out of here. Get the fuck. What? Your face says Oscar, bro.

Are you kidding me? Fight Club 2. For sure. All I've ever wanted to do was be compared to Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Yeah, man. You remember that scene when he was just sweating and poured the water on his abs? Yes, I do. Very visible. I had that poster in my college dorm, I think.

Over with. Who didn't fall in love with Brad? Who didn't fall in love with Brad during Fight Club? I dare anyone, any guy, or anyone to say, any woman, any man that didn't fall in love with fucking Brad Tyler Durley. I fell in love with Brad and Anarchy. I was obsessed with both for a good five years. That movie, that changes you in a lot of ways.

You know when they say there's the Kinsey scale and everything's like a floating, you know. Tyler Durden and Brad Pitt in Fight Club is like the proof of that. Like no one is fully straight. You watch Fight Club, you're like, oh, I get it. I get it. I'll kiss his butt.

I'll fight him, man. I'll fuck him up. Snatch, too. It's just anything Brad Pitt fighting. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. You remember because you remember. Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

But you know what's crazy about Fight Club? Before Fight Club, like, there was this hype on Brad Pitt. Like, it was like every woman's dream. You remember he had that one Western where, like, I forgot the name of it, where it's just like the movie trailer was just him looking at the sun, you know what I mean? And there was like a box office smash. I forgot the name of it where it's just like the the movie trailer was just him looking at the sun you know i mean and there was like a box office smash i forgot the name of it but it was like all these movies and like guys were hating on him well really because he was like um because he was just he was more like pretty boy at that point like flowing hair and it was almost like dicaprio-esque like kind of heartthrob and then he went like badass fucking

and then fight club came out when did that come out so like that's kind of one of the first like bad movies i remember seeing wait what bad movie not bad like like oh okay i thought you were like poor like no no no that movie's fucking yeah that movie i want to guess that's probably early 2000 99 okay yeah so i probably didn't even see that i didn't see like i was i was 11 yep. Yep. Maybe 10. That's crazy, man. It was, I mean, that movie's fucking fire. Beautiful. Beautiful.

Really beautiful. You're thinking of Legends of the Fall, right? Legends of the Fall. Yeah. Everyone was going crazy, man. That's where he's very, like, he's got the cowboy hat on, the long hair and the beard. He's training a horse. You know what I mean?

Like, go fuck yourself, Brad. Some guys just have it all. He's fucking one of them, man. Yeah. It's like, come on, dude. Leave some for the rest of us, including just have it all. He's fucking one of them, man. It's like, come on, dude. Leave some for the rest of us, including the kids in Africa. You're taking all of them, too. He's got everything, man. Even like in World War Z, like the hot zombie wanted to fuck Brad before anybody else.

You know what I mean? Like, you're a zombie, bitch. Like, slow down. World War Z, that's like, we were talking about recently the most rewatchable movies of all time. Yeah. And I assume. You're going to put World War Z That's like We were talking about Recently The most rewatchable Movies of all time Yeah And I You're gonna put

World War Z up there I think It's basically Anything that's on FX Anything that's on FX I'm like I'll never pass World War Z

Hell no I mean When they're climbing The wall You're like Fuck this apocalypse How quickly Would you kill yourself

If you were in A zombie apocalypse Immediately Yeah immediately I'd probably jump into that No I mean I don't want to become I would kill myself I don't want to be a zombie I don't want to eat my flesh before I die

You know you get your throat ripped out That's a pretty tough way to go I would probably hang out Once I see a zombie I'm done But could you really kill yourself I could kill myself If there's a zombie coming down I've said before I'm a zombie, I'm done. But could you really kill yourself? I could kill myself. If there's an apocalypse, zombies coming down, I would find.

I'm a big coward when it comes to suicide. But if it's that or a zombie apocalypse, I think I'd nut up. Really? Yeah. Or, you know, what do they call them in the movie? They call them Zeke's. Yeah. And I think it's when they're like, don't worry, guys, I got this one.

And the guy shoots himself. Remember he gets bit when they're riding the bikes? Sorry for the spoilers. I think I'd be like, like, don't worry, guys, I got this one. And the guy shoots himself. Remember when they're riding the bikes? Sorry for the spoilers. I think I'd be like, yo, someone just shoot me. I guess I'd go suicide by friend. I mean, again, like. Wouldn't you hate if you go, you know what, man, fuck it, just shoot me. And the guy shoots you in like the leg.

Like, what the fuck? Then he shoots you in the shoulder. Like, fucker. The head. He takes another shot. Take me out, man. The other shoulder you fucking asshole

he runs out of bullets I'm not trying to get a purple heart in this zombie war man like I want to fucking die take me out you got three purple hearts

going John Kerry with it throwing him at the White House like I wanted to die son of a bitch that was suicide that's always good for a couple of us. How would you go?

How would you go? What kind of suicide? Oh, boy. This is a tough question. It's a jump. I've talked about it. I just jump out of a plane or some shit. Bro, have you ever bungee jumped?

I've skydived. I've never bungee jumped. Okay, I bungee jumped. I hated my life. And I only did it because my son was on the bridge with me. And my dad, my son was like, let's do this. How old is your son? I was like, yeah, let's do this shit.

How old is your son? He's 15. Wow. We did it in New Zealand, where you're supposed to do it. Like, that's the home of bungee jumping. My uncle, he's only bungee jumped once. He's like, he did it in New Zealand. My brother's done it once. Yeah, that's where you do it. That's where it started or some shit? They perfected it? Yeah, they were like, yeah, this is the only thing

we've got. I feel like that's way. Kangaroos and bungee jumping. That's what we do. No, we don't even have those. Yeah. It's Australia. It's not around. The kangaroos can't make it from Australia.

Who's the only thing that's Australian? Come on. I don't know. They hate each other, by the way. Do they? Yes. They got big, like, down under beef. Yeah, you kiwi.

They kept calling each other shit like that. I'm like, those aren't even fucking horrible words Yeah, you kiwi. They kept calling each other shit like that. Those aren't even fucking horrible words to call a kiwi. As far as racial insults go, I guess it's racial. Is it national? I don't know what that is. I don't know what the right word for that is. Whatever it is, it's delicious.

Kiwi's not as bad as cracker. I mean, cracker, you can call it cracker. That's not considered a racial slur. Well, it's because white people, you can't really say a racial slur about white people. Or Australians. We got it going on. Or New Zealanders, whatever it is. Well, Australians, they're all criminals, right?

That's the big slur. The ancestors. Yeah, that's the big slur. You just lost everybody in Brisbane. That's it. That's it. There goes all the downloads in Australia. Fuck you, mate.

Fuck you, mate. You had a good run with Chelsea lately. Yeah, that was great. I'm good friends with Josh. He's kind of my mentor. That's what you're going to look like in 10 years. That's not bad. Josh is a handsome fella.

You look just like Josh. I was surprised when I saw both you guys, actually. I was surprised when I heard you you guys actually. I was surprised you had a 15 year old son because I feel like you guys He's got a daughter too. I just feel like especially Josh looked a lot younger on TV. I didn't think either of you guys

had older children. Look good on TV bro. Yeah we both look very good. Fucking handsome guys man. Sexy as shit. That's what wealth does. True. Fucking true. When you're rich, no one sees age anymore. We got a boss here, the guy who founded this whole thing.

He used to be unspeakably ugly, just gross. He was fat. He had a hunchback, bald spot. Then he got skinny, bought some hair, got a tan, clothes to fit him. Done. Good-looking guy all of a sudden. Done. Now he's got merch.

There's no such thing as good-looking and ugly. There's just rich and poor, man. Doesn't make sense. That's all it him. Done. Good looking guy all of a sudden. Done. Now he's got merch. There's no such thing as good looking and ugly. There's just rich and poor, man. Doesn't make sense. That's all it is. Yeah. The Chelsea run, though. I was supposed to be Chewy. Oh, yeah?

Really? Yeah, I turned that shit down. I was like, at first, I was like, all right, Chelsea. Because I met Chelsea, you know, I met her like a couple years before Chelsea lately even took off. And I met through John Lovitzitz I tell this story all the time Because I used to open for John Lovitz and this is about Like I don't know 14 years ago

Whatever and John was like Whenever MySpace was out So what 13 years ago 14 And he was like you have to meet my friend Chelsea Handler She's hysterical She's my only friend on Myspace. Take a look.

That is spot on. And then I went to Myspace and it was literally like Tom and Chelsea. That's all you had. You had eight favorites, you know what I mean? Or eight friends. And he only had the two. And then next thing you know, she started coming around and she was doing the show with us every Wednesday at the Laugh Factory.

And then she just took a liking to me and she's like, I got this show idea and we're about to do it and I want you to be my sidekick, you'll be my go-to. And I said, no. And this is when you know someone's a genius. Like she knew what she wanted

and you knew it was going to be successful because I said yes, we took a couple meetings and then all of a sudden I got this deal with Comedy Central and I decided to, you know, I didn't want to commit to something like that because if this takes off, I want to – you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Everyone wants their own show. So I said no to it, and then she fucking laid into me on the phone. She's like, oh, good luck in this fucking town.

You're going to let your agents and your manager decide what you're going to do with your career? Why don't you follow your heart? This fucking show is going to be a fucking – she just hangs up on me. And I'm like, fuck me. That sucked. Right? Could have gone better. And then my pilot didn't get picked up. So now I'm really fucked because I could have been on this show that I'm watching at home

and I'm working at Nordstrom Rack and I'm watching the show actually blow up every week. It's just getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And then six months later she calls. And then next thing you know she puts me on every week. Wait, wait, wait. She still reached out and bigger and bigger. And then six months later, she calls. And then next thing you know, she puts me on every week. Wait, wait, wait. She still reached out and made first contact after that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, man.

So that's good. You didn't have to, like, tuck tail and, like. No, man. She reached out. She knew. She knew what she had. She's fucking smart, man. I'm telling you, man, that panel was so genius because she just knew it.

She knew that the people at that panel were what drove that show. Oh, yeah. And she allowed it. And that's what takes, you know, that's why she's a pro. Right. Because, you know what I mean? Like, some people get a show and it's like, all right, I got it from here. You're my guest, but I got it.

But she understood it's like, no, these guys are killing. You know what I mean? Let them. And she knew. She was really good at it. You know, we started out as just a written blog. And then we wanted to get into video, and, you know, the dream would be to have a TV show.

And Chelsea lately was, like, one of the, you know, we always said we wanted to be, like, a pregame show for sports mixed with SNL, mixed with, and Chelsea lately was always, like, and that idea of just a host kicking it to panel members who are, you know, there's no, it's not scripted, and it's just kind of off-the-cuff comedy reaction. And you know what? Like, nobody else has really come along and done it's not scripted, and it's just kind of off-the-cuff comedy reaction. And you know what? Nobody else has really come along and done it since,

which is funny to me. That's so cool you said that, because that thing went on for seven years, and I'm telling you, she was like the new Johnny Carson. Yeah. She really was. If you killed on that panel, what I mean by is Johnny Carson,

if you killed on Carson, you know, you usually made it. He put people on. Oh, he put people on. right. And the same thing with Chelsea. If you killed on Chelsea,

man, your road, your road life was phenomenal. If you sucked on Chelsea, she won, she'd kick you off. You never came back. And you knew you weren't coming back because she'd always tell Mike,

the talent booker, she would always like, in between when we went to break, if it was a new person on the panel and they were sucking, she would call him over and she would just whistle. break, if it was a new person on the panel and they were sucking, she would call them over and she would just whistle. We're like, okay,

this is the last time this fucker's on. You could just see it. Would you guys know? If you and Josh were on the new panel, would you be like, this guy's fucked? Oh, we do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She'd always put the new person in between. We would always bookend it. And yeah, you could just see Chelsea looking at her like, what the fuck is this? How did you get on this? Yeah.

Who was the worst? Name names. Government names. Do it. I can't. Do it. All right. Well, he's into it.

Who's the best? The best? Yeah. That just came on and killed it? Yeah. Matt Bronger was good, man. Matt Bronger. You should put him on your show.

He was really good. He would come out of nowhere with some gems, man. Okay. So who was the opposite of Matt? I can't do that. I don't like doing that, man. But there was really good. He would come out of nowhere with some gems, man. Okay, so who was the opposite of Matt? I can't do that. I don't like doing that, man. But there was a lot. Everybody except for me, Josh, and Matt.

Just unfurl a scroll. Okay, fine. Here we go. You guys were just Lonnie, Jen, Sarah, Heather, Ben. I like Chris Frangiola Chris

Oh my god Chris He was good Mets fan I gotta get him on here too Yeah man We were just We were just commiserated About the Mets

That was the crew Yeah Fortune Feimster Like we were the crew bro It was so cool So you would know Like topics ahead of time And then

And you kind of just riff Or The first year She would do topics And then we would all meet In like this office And she'd walk in and hear everybody's joke. And then she would go, okay, I like that one. I like that one.

And it would go in this order. And then she noticed that the banter was what everyone really gave a shit about. So it got to the point where she was like, I don't want to hear your jokes. Let's just see how it goes naturally. I was going to say it's funny to me that you even told the jokes ahead of time because when we try to replicate that, it's like there's been a couple of times where we've had our producers forget to press record or something to the like of that. And it's like, all right, we got to do it again. And it's like impossible to recreate. Yeah.

That first type of reaction and banter is a one time thing. Because then it's acting. Yeah, right. And then, you know, it's fake laughs. Yeah. We did a long time ago where we started, because we have these voicemails, and there were a few episodes where we were like, okay, we're going to listen to the voicemails first, get our jokes ready, and then play it on the show, and basically get our jokes.

And we were always trying to shoehorn them in. It just felt awkward. So we were like, fuck it. No one can hear the voicemail. So we go in blind every time. Yeah. Because the banter is definitely the best part. Oh, the best.

Anything else sucks. Let's get into a couple. We're flying blind here, so who knows? Are these the ones you played for me before the show started? Hey guys, so I got a situation on my hand here. So my fiance

calls me up. I proposed to her a couple months ago. She calls me from work today saying that she can't find her ring. So she's got me looking through the house right now. I don't want to, you know, get too mad about it because she's really upset about it. I spent a ton of money on the ring and I'm 26. So kind of just gauging the level of,

I don't want to be angry at her, but you know, that's the worst when someone does something fucked up and they beat themselves up and you're like, no, that's, I get to do that. That's my job. I get to be mad when you're like, And it's double when it's your girl. Yeah, women know how to flip it too. You start getting upset about the diamond and she's like, I'm already upset. You don't have to.

I get it. You end up apologizing for her losing the ring. No, no, I'm just saying, babe. I paid a lot of money. You don't have to tell me how much money. I'm already crushed. It was my dream to get married. Trust me, I'm way more upset than you are. Yeah, believe me.

I'm crying, okay? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to die? Do you want me to die? Because I'll die. Because that's what I want to do. No, babe, don't die. Don't die, babe.

No, I'll fucking kill myself. Because obviously the diamond's more important, right? Right? That's more important, right? Because you paid a lot of money right so maybe i just kill myself i'll kill myself and then you can find your fucking diamond and hopefully that diamond can suck your dick okay put the diamond on your dick okay okay answer me okay bro this guy has his answer he has his answer i'm having deck. Okay? Okay? Answer me! Okay? This guy has his answer. I'm having PTSD. I'm like, oh, I've had this fight. It wasn't about a diamond ring, but I've

had this fight. That is your answer, guy. You can't do a fucking thing because that's exactly what you're going to get. The only thing I can say to you is why didn't you get insurance for a diamond that you paid a lot of money for? Yo, I've also thought about too, by the way. If you get the right insurance policy, I've always been like, yo, babe, go ahead and like, yeah, just lose that ring, man.

No big deal. Yeah. We'll make payments. I'm sure. Our premium's going to go up. But fucking whatever. We'll have two diamonds. And that's called earrings, bitch.

Oh, shit. This is good, man. Let's animate this one. This one was fucking good Are you kidding me You're mad at me I'm looking too You don't think I'm upset

You don't think I'm upset I've been waiting for this mugger so long I was washing your fucking mug You fucking dick Oh my god I want gonna kill myself I'm gonna fucking kill myself no don't

don't kill yourself don't don't no I'm gonna fucking kill myself it's the worst it's unfair you know what the you know what the most unfair shit is is if the situation was reversed

and you lost your ring oh you would be going in oh you know like what'd you lose in some girl's vagina oh

no I just lost it washing your fucking champagne glass. It doesn't even flow the same way. Like he can, I'm already upset. Alright? You want me to kill myself? Huh? She'd be like, yes. Yes, you irresponsible prick.

I mean, especially in the ring is like, you know, I have a theory, by the way. I call it reciprocity for the ring. I think that the whole ring culture is insanity. So my idea was that every dollar that you put into the ring, she has to then contribute to your bachelor party. So like, hey, listen, you want to rock? Fine.

But that means I'm going to like Vegas with like 20 grand and you know what's going to happen. So how much do you really want that? Yeah. How much do you really want that ring? Cause otherwise, you know, and then the guy's ring is like, I think mine was like $150. It was like, you know, it was like a piece of tinfoil. It's crazy. And then, I mean, you think about too, how many times you're dating a girl who's like,

you know, maybe she's a little bit like flaky or aloof or whatever. And you're like, here, put like, you know, tens of thousands of dollars on your finger. I'm just going to entrust that to you, even though I know that you can't handle it. It's crazy that you just put that much money on your finger. It's a very expensive Instagram. It's a very expensive way to get 100 likes on social media. Yeah, you don't want to put 60 grand on her finger when,

like two days ago, she was like, where's my tweezers? Exactly. Did you lose your tweezers? You know how many times it's been, oh, I lost my cell phone. I lost my cell phone. Where's my cell phone? Oh, it's in my bag. It's always in your fucking bag. It's always, where's my tweezers? Exactly. Did you lose your tweezers? You know how many times it's been, oh, I lost my cell phone. I lost my cell phone. Where's my cell phone? Oh, it's in my bag. It's always in your fucking bag.

It's always in your fucking bag. We have to stop in the middle of the street so you can get down on one knee and funnel through your bag. And it's always there. It's in the bottom of the bag. There it is. I found it. Thank God it was on vibrate.

Oh, the battery must be dead. Should I call it? No, it's dead. You won't be able to find it. Oh, the battery must be dead. Should I call it? No, it's dead. You won't be able to find it. Well, it's in the fucking bag. It's always in the fucking bag. Just all hypothetical. You know that little small pocket that you don't really see it?

It was in there. I zipped it up. What else? What do we got? That was a good call. What's up, guys? Got a relationship question. What else? What do we got? That was a good call. What's up, guys? Got a relationship question.

What's more important these days, having the same political beliefs or having the same taste in food? Oh, my God. Same taste in food. I thought he was going to say TV. I'll take it a step further. I thought it was going to be sports teams. There's a lot of different things. So we got a lot. All right.

So let's write the political beliefs, food taste, sports allegiance, television preference. Okay. You ready for this? You're going to hate me for this. Oh, boy. Politics. Hang on. Politics, sports, food, TV.

You're going to say something very annoying? No, I am. I am. You know, especially right now. You know, voting is very big right now. Hands down, politics should be nowhere in your relationship. I'm sorry. I actually thought you were going to say the opposite, though, being like that.

Nah. But I don't know. It's one of those things, though, where like it shouldn't. I'm a firm believer that everyone should keep their politics. You should vote. Go vote. That's your fucking right, and you need to vote. But your politics, me personally, I like to keep that shit to myself.

I agree. I don't want to debate, and I don't want to fight about it. I have my beliefs. You have yours. But it's one of those things where you have to know at least a little bit. Say you're at home. You're married two years, and you're at home and you're watching the news now. You're watching Monday Night Football, and that

fucking commercial came on, and your girl's like, I hope they just shoot everyone in that caravan. What? You have to have a little bit. I do think there's a difference. You're going to know someone's politics. I don't want

that to be our topic of discussion. No doubt. That's the last thing we talk about. There's a difference between do you think that we should, how much should the public be taxed is very different from build a wall and kill them.

Some things transcend politics to like, oh well, you just sound like a bad person. Yeah, you're just a bad person. So that, I think, if we're talking, you know, broad, like. Yeah, there's nothing you can say on your tax platform where I'd be like, all right, that's it. Yeah, right. I think that kind of shit should stay separate. But I do think it would be tough to just say, like, well, that's her political beliefs.

And I'm okay with, you know, you have your right to believe that. If it's some shit that you truly, like, disagree with, I feel like deep down eventually that'll probably take its toll on your relationship. You can, you can give it a whirl, but I think eventually that's going to rear its ugly head. Yeah. I, to me on a, on a practical like day to day basis, I think TV preferences these days, it might be the most important thing in your whole relationship. Yeah.

More than sex, more than who you hang out with, more than what you like to travel. I don't like to travel, whatever. On a, on a nightly basis, if it's like what I put on, she rolls her eyes, and what she puts on, I fucking hate. I don't think you're ever going to get along. TV's that important this day and age. That's true, but there's two TVs. Well, but so then it's like.

Not a relationship? Well, yeah. I mean, if you were just like, see you later. You go to your bedroom and watch TV, and I'm downstairs for the next four hours of primetime TV. Are you even in a relationship? Yeah. We used to have a co-host, Asa Kira.

You may have heard of her. You'd be familiar with her work. She used to say that her and her ex-husband, she's like, yeah, we watch TV in separate rooms. We order our dinner separately and we sleep in different beds. And I was like, why do you call him your husband then? Because that's a roommate you have. So if you're not – I think you have to watch TV. And I know you're a big advocate of ordering what you want.

I think you've got to watch TV, and I think you have to order food together. I think you can order food together. I don't have any problem with being from different places. If you want to eat dinner, fine, but I'm going to order some Mexican. You order some pizza because I didn't want pizza tonight. We can eat it at the same time. But why do I have to eat what you're feeling that night? Yeah, I get that.

Ooh, I like that, yeah. Separate dinners, I think, would save marriages. Ooh, you're right. Reciprocity for the ring and separate dinners. This is coming from a guy who's about to be divorced, so maybe don't listen to me. But, you know, maybe if we did the dinners and the TV thing, we wouldn't have been divorced.

Wait, you're about to be divorced? Yeah, unfortunately. What happened? It didn't go so well. It was a big mess. You know what? I don't need to know that. It was a big mess.

I don't need to know that. I could have handled it better. We'll just say that. Yeah. But I do think TV needs to be, you know, first on the list. First on the list? I'll go TV one, food two. Sports, when I was a kid, I was i was we said like i hate to say this

you're still a kid all right but i was a super kid you're a kid when i was really young body mass too like like my my my body baby physique is just all baby fat yeah i love it man um i used to be like i love hugging you by the way canadiens fan as if I'd run into those regularly. But that would be off your list. I can't do it. You wear the red and blue. But I think you can actually have – I think it's almost more fun to have a rival sports team. Yeah, you can bust balls and talk shit.

Well, to an extent. That'll probably go wrong a lot. But here, as a single person, I think it'd be fun to have a little... Again, the two guys really shouldn't be giving advice on topics. Alright, Joe, we appreciate you coming through, man. So you got... Wait, what was your number one? My number one is food.

I can't stand a person that just can't try new shit. That's male or female. It's just kind of like, motherfucker, why are you living? Like, you gotta taste something. Like, you got to taste something. See, I don't taste. You can't just assume that's going to suck. Well, and also, I mean, based on your peanut butter and jelly take, I would say the food

certainly is near and dear to your heart. Hands down. You know, you should date Bill Belichick. Bill Belichick has the BB, PB, and J. He puts peanut butter on both sides so as to trap the jelly so it doesn't seep out through the. Ooh. See, you wouldn't have that mess in your bag

Bill Belichick's a fucking genius that's really good turns it into like the crustables where it just is all sealed in very smart alright so you are at the Beacon Friday night two shows first show sold out

but you can get the 10 o'clock show and then you got the Break the Mold Tour. And you're currently filming. You're about to film your next Netflix special, which is all in the works. So big things popping for Joe Coy. Thank you, bro. Give him a follow on Twitter. Check out, what's the site, joecoy.com?

J-O-K-O-Y on everything. Instagram, everything is J-O-K-O-Y. Get the tickets and give him a follow. Very funny guy. We appreciate it, man. Thank you. I love you, man. Thank you very much.

Song it out. Song it out. Thanks appreciate it, man. I love you, man. Thank you very much. Talk it out. Thanks to Joe Coy. You know that we're going to wrap up every episode with a new song. This time we're hitting you with that new, new, old, old, because they've covered all the songs from Greatest Showman, all these different bands, all your favorite acts. Panic at

the Disco. See, the world acknowledges what... People call me crazy, but I'm not crazy. I know hits when I hear fucking hits, Kevin. And this right here... This is one. Panic? Panic goes hard.

Brandon Urie, baby. ...soaking through the floor. Buried in your bones, there's an ache that you can't ignore. Taking your breath, stealing your mind And all that was real is left behind Don't fight it, it's coming for you, running at you It's only this moment, don't care what comes after Your fever dream, can't you see, getting closer

Just surrender, cause you feel the feeling taking over It's fire, it's freedom, it's blood and open. It's the place around the pulpit and your blind devotion. There's something breaking at the brink of every wall that's holding all that you know. I tell you, do you wanna go? We're discovering all the golden lights. We're the runaways of what is the night. The possible goes to taking over you. This is the easiest hit.

The addict in the disco was like, we just get to do this? This is just our song now? So fire. I want to go play a football game right now. This music makes me want to fuck people up. That voice. That panic in the disco. That angsty, excited voice.

John's about to break his chair. I am sweating. Let's go.