KFC Radio - Joey Diaz Interview | Feits Shares Hilarious Behind the Scenes of Out of Order

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

Get tickets to a live show here: https://linktr.ee/kfcrlive Sign up to be an extra here: https://linktr.ee/kfcr 00:00:00 Start 00:04:45 KFC's School Incident 00:17:33 Having nightmares of siren head 00:24:10 Feits Latest Nightmare 00:25:24 Go Watch The Bracket 00:33:42 All we eat is slop now 00:37:21 Quibi was the biggest ball drop of all time 00:41:21 Feits in Meetings 00:44:24 Quibi contd 00:45:45 Out of Order BTS 00:51:09 The Internet ruined conspiracy theories 00:54:54 Oh boy 00:57:51 OJ Simpson TikTok 01:02:00 Whos the Biggest AHole 01:23:55 Voicemails 01:44:40 Joey Diaz on KFC Radio 01:46:10 Joey Diaz Download the Barstool Sportsbook App today. Terms Apply. MUST BE 21+ Gambling Problem? CALL 1-800-GAMBLERYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I see him with a fucking bikini on. And Ari's got one with that warped fucking body is. And they're dancing. Everyone's having a good time. I'm like, oh, fuck. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network.

We are in Boston Friday night. The day after you listen to this, we are in Boston. Come hang out. Get your tickets. We want it to be a sellout. There's some tickets remaining. No sports that night in Boston. Celtics probably going to be eliminated. I was going to say it might not be any sports, period,

other than the Red Sox. But no excuse. I think we're going to the game Saturday. We'll be at Fenway Saturday. So come get drunk. We'll be hungover Saturday morning. We'll go to the 4 o'clock game of Sox and get back at it. Let's go. And then there's also a show Sunday in

Stanford, Connecticut if you are a Connecticut boy or girl. So go get your tickets. Go to at KFC Radio on any of the social media. You'll find your links there uh as well as links to send in voicemails and keep the show rolling so any any case you read kc radio related business go check out the social media links um also next week next um next thursday we're going to be shooting uh some stuff in greenpoint, Brooklyn. If you want to be a part of it,

there will be a form in that link tree. We need about 50 dudes, 50, five, zero, five, zero. Okay.

We need a bunch of 50 dudes. Can we allude to what we're doing? Yeah. Can we just say what we're doing? Yeah, honestly. Okay. So I can say we need 50 dudes who are willing to pop the top off in a movie theater.

All kinds of bodies, all shapes and sizes. It's like a fucking underwear commercial nowadays. Very inclusive. You know when models used to be models? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was great. When models used to be hot and attractive, now the uglier you are, and like the weirder you are.

And everything's filmed on a selfie video. Every commercial, at least on Hulu, everything's just like a selfie video. Give me a commercial. We used to be a proper country. Sell me something, dude. We're making a real commercial. That's what we're doing at Greenpoint Brooklyn.

Hot people only. We're making a commercial for the machine. The machine. Burt and, well, no. Burt won't be there. Maybe. You never know if Burt will pop in or not. But we're going to be doing our best

Burt Kreischer impression and promo for his movie. And you don't know this. We do have a screener for The Machine, so we will watch the movie The Machine. Oh, sick. At the theater. Yeah. We cleared that? We can do this? Yes. So calm. You get an exclusive viewing.

We might need to turn people away. Yeah. So first 50. Well, first 50, unless you're super hot. Imagine if it was fat dudes and then it was super hot chicks popping the top off, watching the movie with us. If you want to be a part of it, that is the 18th, you said? The 18th. 18th, Greenpoint, Brooklyn.

First come, first serve. We got to give them the address, no? No, we are not going to announce address no no we are not going to announce the address how they're going to know where to go when i select them i will email them the address and oh so you're you're you want to you want to sift through all this i'm doing a full casting for this like we will okay yeah i thought it was just gonna be like show up and you okay but the so then what do they do nick so there will be a form that you fill out in our link tree.

I'll put it all over social media tomorrow, too. Let me just throw this out there because we're watching the movie. Would it not be the worst thing to just fill the theater? That's what we're doing. I think the theater fits. Oh, okay. I thought it was going to be like a bigger theater. No, no.

It's a smaller theater. But yeah, I'll give you all the information. I'll give you a call time. And no, it'll be a lot better this way. Trust me. That's your work, not mine. I think it's going to be fun. The shoot won't take very long at all.

Then we'll watch the machine. Also, do you want to say how we're probably going to do an out-of-order shoot in there? There also might be an out-of-order shoot. We are working on a sketch idea. You can be the background. You can be an extra of that or yeah yeah yeah that might happen that might not okay well we we had an idea that is it that doesn't work so we're trying to scramble and redo one but we will definitely be doing a machine commercial

you'll be there it'll be fun get to watch the movie get a hang out make sure you get your releases signed um i uh i had i had one of my elementary school i guess uh incidents or events again today it's always i just always feel so weird when i go to school i don't know why i just feel like i'm a weird dad and it's just always an awkward setting and they make you sit in the small chairs. Oh, you go to school school? Yeah. I thought you were going to drop off. No, no, no.

Today was... Goddamn having kids is a pain in the ass, dude. Bro. You are always doing something with these goddamn kids. This fucking school... You're laughing, but people are laughing, but it's so true. This school, I don't know whether it's because it's a Catholic school or it's in a bougie town, I don't know whether it's because it's a Catholic school or it's in a bougie city, town.

I don't know what it is. They have no respect for working parents. Bro, okay. They act like 9 to 5, Monday through Friday is time to be with your kids. I don't understand how anything happens. Ever. It doesn't make sense. I've been trying to get blinds from my apartment in year three.

Yeah, yeah. They're like, we'll deliver it, and you have to be there. We have to start a new measure. I know. What the fuck? I worked. How does anything happen? How am I supposed to get blinds in year three of my apartment?

If I can't, I can't be. They're like, well, can we come at 11? They're like throwing out like 11am on next Thursday? No! What are you talking about 11am? I will say this, I do believe that most, or not not most, but just other people do shit like that where they're just like I don't know, calling their boss

oddly enough, I think we like are at the office more than other people in a way like i think other people when they're like uh you know my plumber's coming and they just like call their boss and they're just like i'm not coming in oh i just stopped using that toilet i think but i don't know if it's because our job first and foremost is very you get out what you put in yeah so we could skip a million days in a row like everybody else here at barstool does and they could just you know you could collect your lesser paycheck and your and do your lesser than shows i think we are like no the more we do it the better we do it the better our lives are so we keep doing that i also think it's like we're at

the point now where a lot of the times it's booking like an awesome guest so it's like i can't skip work that day because we're going to talk to Joey Diaz and that's amazing. So whereas if Joey Diaz is on the show today, by the way, incredible or tremendous. Whereas other people, you know,

I remember, you know, very casually being like, I'm not coming in today at Deloitte. Like I had a family affair, you know, family incident or whatever. They go,

okay. If you say, if you say, you know, you got or whatever. They go, okay. If you say, if you say, you know, you got something wrong with your family, your job wasn't even necessary anyway. Yeah. It's like,

we don't value you in the first place. We operate you at a loss. Totally. Totally. So that sort of shit I think is part of it, but you're right. The other part of it is just like, don't you people,

doesn't anybody work here? God damn it. And I, I mean, the flip side is like well yeah what do you want you want the blinds company to operate from five to nine yeah that's crazy too but so none of it makes sense they were like what about this then they're all the same day if the numbers are going to keep between being nine and five the answer is no i don't know what to tell you. Bro, particularly with this school, though, like the amount of of like. Like like a play or a presentation or a recital and then these like pickups and drop offs and there's a million half days and these weird holidays and these superintendent stays and shit. I'm like, what do you expect? And we're lucky we got a great nanny and shit i

talked to some of the other parents they're like i work in this hospital all the way up here and he works downtown and we live a couple towns over so like i gotta get out drive like 30 minutes and get there in time all these things like impossible we're like relatively blessed and it's still a goddamn nightmare um but today was, uh, arts and crafts for mother's day. Okay. So you gotta go in for the dads go in to help. Oh,

I see. I see the thing, which was also very awkward. They like, I guess because I'm at a Catholic school and I'm divorced, it's like you heathens, you know, but they were like,

you know, it's an event for the dads to come in like what what should we do for shay and she was like invite her dad in probably her dad she has a father and then she's okay i didn't know what the fuck does that mean dude dude dude dude right like fuck the church man go fuck it i don't know and that's not even i don't even know there's a church or just like a teacher being like i think they overdo it where they're like is this just yeah yeah there's a mom there's a dad it's what most of the families are probably yeah right right we're talking nationwide it's i'm in the majority i'm the normal one right you should act like they're weird. Yeah.

But so I come in and they, I also, they email everything and I just don't email it, you know? So I missed it like until like last week for the signups and there were three slots and it said the labels were like no mess, messy, and very messy. That was like the secret or whatever. Like that was like, we don the secret or whatever like that was like we don't know what you're doing they were giving you options like a like a juice well kind of there so i had to pick i did a very oh you did yeah yeah like the only thing left was or the only thing i could do was today very messy and we get there and the idea is some sort of like

they have a little picture of a of a flower then you you put this wax paper over it, kind of like this see-through paper, so you could trace the picture, Mother's Day flowers. But you're going to trace it with glue, and then they stick some shit on it, whatever. Our job, rather than just have Elmer's glue, is to make the glue.

So they give us a bowl of water and a bag of flour to make batter. At least they give us a bowl of water and a bag of flour to make, like, batter. At least they didn't make you kill a horse first. Now, why did you get hands-on? So here's a hammer and a Clydesdale. No, Shay, don't let it suffer! Did you guys watch the Derby this weekend?

This one snapped its leg. We did watch the derby this weekend. This one snapped its leg. We did watch the derby this weekend. So I got a big bowl of water and a bag of flour. So I start pouring some in and start stirring. Also, I was the first one there. So they put like everything in front of me. And as awkward as those things are are everyone's kind of standing around i oddly enough and like you would think i would just like fade to the back and be like you guys do this and i'll just

be here you know in those situations i actually am like let me just do this and get this done like let me just figure you know so i start pouring yeah yeah to be honest yeah just hold the flashlight i'll do it right right right um so i start pouring it in actually first i walk in and the seat next to shay was open and i i was like oh they must just like let you like sit next to your kid so i go and i sit down in one of those billy madison chairs and the little girl who does sit there like was coming back from the garbage or something and shay was like that's her seat you go back there and i was like all right awkward so then of course i'm like you can't i'm like i'm like down like this like all the way on the ground sitting you know and i was like okay uh all right let me get up

for this chair here and so it's already awkward yeah you can't sit with us and then uh i start pouring flour in like a little bit by a little bit you know because i don't want to overdo it and admittedly i was putting it was slow it was very very watery so the guy's like just dump the whole thing in okay so i dump it in and then i end up creating like thick batter not glue because then we're supposed to put them in these little tiny glue bottles that we're then going to screw the top made the glue for all the dads yes well it was i guess like i started stirring it and the one guy was like do you want to share the stirring duties it's like sure bro like i do get like you know

your kid looks over at you and you're sitting there like you want to all do part of it so we start stirring it and then they they were like you got to pour it into the little i mean we're talking the bottles were this big. In the end, the opening was like this big. And they gave us a funnel. The funnel opening was bigger than the. Bro, what you're describing is such a nightmare. I know.

I'm just thinking about like a guy telling me I'm not pouring the flower fast enough. I would just throw it in the air. I don't fucking. I'm starting a new life. I don't. I'm not doing any of this ever. This is crazy. It's like the pressure of like,

with fucking, I don't know what it's called, 12 dads watching over my shoulder. I'm stirring and it's like, I got such anxiety about stirring a bowl of batter because I was like, I don't want to look like I'm incompetent here, you know? I'm trying to whip it up, you know? Just to be clear, my wife usually does the mix.

I want to be like, last time I was whipping up a bowl of batter like this, I was doing something entirely different. If you know, you know. Oh, you don't do the batter? Sorry, my wife does the baking. When do we pour it on our dick

but i'm stirring and like it's starting to spill over the sides a little bit and now i'm like oh my god now i'm spilling oh shit like am i making like now now i can't even stir right and then i start whipping it up he he takes a turn we end up making like it's flour and water it looks like you know you're about to bake cookies or some shit not glue we're trying to pour it into these itsy bitsy glue bottles that doesn't work so we're like we need water and everyone just kind of sits there and i'm like all right so i grab a cup and i go find the faucet in the back you know those those old you know they have one in in the place so i pour we pour the water in i eventually fucking macgyver over here i uh the the funnel was too big so i grabbed another plastic cup and i just cut like an itsy bitsy hole in the bottom pour that and that starts to work

and kind of starts spilling i just take the fucking bottle and i just plummeted my hand into the batter And I just squeezed a little bit so the air would come out And I was like I was like fucking winning the poo Putting my fists in the honey pot I got a smack a roll right here And I was just like I'm done I got my daughter

It's like here you go you know But we need to make Eventually the teacher realized we were struggling She got us like a bigger squirt bottle so you could just go we pass them all out just the wackiest thing though she said if

you've got your bottle if you need a bottle raise your two hands if you've got your bottle put your hands on your head rather than just like not do anything and these kids are like, kind of like this. And I'm like,

well, I can't, what? God damn it. Why is everything weird? So eventually we pass out all the bottles stuck to their hair. Cause they put stuck in the glue. I mean,

it was a mess because as soon as they get them, so now they're supposed to just like squeeze it out and gently follow the outlines. And these are just like these little cheapo bottles. We put the pop in across the room. All the tops start popping and globs are flying out. So you just hear like, oh, no. Oh, mine's ruined.

Oh, mine broke. And we're like, the dads are running around trying to clean it up, refill it. Oh, we need more. Let me get some more flour. Oh, we overdid the water again i was like rather than just being like we'll help you trace it with like an elmer's glue or whatever you know but uh it's just it's funny though because it was a bunch of dudes who were all like trying you know this this new generation is very like if you ask my dad and certainly

their dad to go do this they'd be be like, what am I, fucking gay? I'm not going to do this. Between 9 to 5, I'm at the office. Yeah, right. Between 9 to 5, I'm at the office. From 5 to 7, I'm with my guma. It's actually not at 9. It's at 7 a.m. because that's when school starts for some goddamn reason.

That's another thing, bro. My kids, they were like 4 years old waking up at like six in the morning to get ready for school torture seeing a child wipe sleep from its eyes is the most depressing thing good morning daddy like jesus christ you don't have anything to do go go get enough sleep right yeah like like literally crying. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to do either. You have 12 years until anyone expects anything of you. And even then, it's minimal.

Very minimal. Go hibernate. Get out of here. Do you guys know what Siren Head is? Nick, do you know Siren Head? No. Can we do that real quick? The other day, Keegan woke up, and he said something. He was like, Siren Head needs to be stopped.

And he was like, good morning, Dad. And I was like, what the fuck was that? Oh. And then he's been having night terrors. Shout out to Clem. He's been having really bad nightmares where he's screaming and crying and crying it's really sad but you can tell he's asleep because he'll pop up and i'm like you okay buddy and he's just like you know just out of it but then he's crying and screaming and he's like oh my god it's very it's and so i'm reading up on it and it's like it is just a regular thing that happens with with kids

brains so so i read that like it's night terrors are like it can happen it doesn't mean that your kid is like you know it's not bad they're like it actually is way worse for the parents because they freak out and then in the morning he's like what's up what's good yeah but then i'm like so okay you're telling me this just happens like throughout their brain development or is something going on that he's having nightmares. And I see, and he's been watching Siren Head on fucking YouTube, which is a Russian horror story. What?

But it's like. Oh, you know, there's some good propaganda Easter eggs. That's what I'm saying. Like, like, like it's, it's, uh, I don't think it's anything like R rated, but it's definitely too scary for a five-year-old boy. And it's from Russia and it's geared towards the kids.

So, you know, there's some like some subliminal communist socialist shit going on that he's going to, you know, Keegan's going to all of a sudden be like, you know, rooting against the Ukraine because he's watching the siren head.

Oh, I was down. I always Ukraine because he's watching Siren Head. I don't know why. I don't understand why Biden's wasting so much money. When you come down, Keegan's reading the paper after a glass of orange juice and it's toast. That was $3 billion, huh? That was $3 billion. He's checking his phone. He's like, it was a civil case.

Trump's not even being charged criminally. She couldn't even remember the date. She couldn't even remember the date. She couldn't even remember what happened. Get out of here. What's the guy's name? Zolomov? What's the president? Zelensky.

Zelensky. Zelensky, that guy wants to be a celebrity, huh? Maybe he stopped showing up at Oscars events and go fight a... I don't understand how the people stay behind him. I don't, I don't... You know people stay behind them i don't i don't you know they're nazis too you know they're the real bad guys we just forgot about it because of the war on trump anyway you see this thing siren head pretty good so there's siren head

who clearly uh you know very apropos name his head is a fucking siren and then there's light head and there's all these heads and they're just these tall long creepy it's called creepy pasta and i don't know if that's because of these guys like it's like long this is still creepy pasta that's been around for a long time i guess creepy pasta is kind of just like internet urban legends is that what the man came from i think so yeah yeah yeah and if you read all of them they're all fucking scary like they're all creepy shit and some of them are kind of like you know a little bit like like fun horror stories like fun scary stories you know and then some of them are not and um but i feel like every kid does. I was obsessed with scary stories when I was a kid.

I used to read all the New England horror stories. Yeah. Do you remember Scary Stories of the Tillamook Dark? That book? Yeah. And then there was more scary stories of the Tillamook Dark. Tales from the Crypt, Goosebumps. Goosebumps was perfect. It was like fun and kind of scary. Gave you a chill. I wonder if you read

the synopsis of Goosebumps. You're like, what the fuck is this true remember the match are you afraid of the dark and then you blow it out that was scary shit it was

more scary to tell in the dark or the original scary it was like the ody ody dunka remember that one I don't know why I said tales of the crib i i was a goosebumps guy do you know what i'm talking about though uh the scary stories tell in the dark was like a black white book black border and it had a skull with a top hat and it was just like a book that you could get at the book fair i remember it was like the one like cool book yeah

you know i was like it rings a bell i can't i can't picture the cover pull up a picture of uh of scary stories to tell in dark and more scary to tell in dark um there was some like urban legend where the guy like he was like odi odi yonka like almost like an ali ali oxen free sort of thing and then a head rolled out of the fucking fireplace that rings a bell yeah yeah yeah yeah and then yeah there was a bunch of really good ones i think that was the first time i read about like the flash in your lights on the really good ones. I think that was the first time I read about, like, the flashing your lights on the highway. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that was in there, some of the true. That was, what was the movie with Joshua Jackson, I think?

Urban Legends. Yes. Yeah, yeah, where, like, all those things came true or whatever, right? That fucking hottie bo-body. Who was that? The chick in it? Yeah. It was probably, you know, like, Sarah Michelle Gellar it yeah um it was probably

you know like Sarah Michelle Gellar no it was a brunette Jennifer Hewitt Jennifer Love Hewitt no wouldn't it be weird if she was just

Jennifer Hewitt if you said to me right now like Jennifer Hewitt I'd be like who the fuck is that yeah

uh the Jared Leto Alicia no it was Rebecca Gayhart oh yeah she had a moment

I don't think Josh Jackson yes he is she had a, it was Rebecca Gayhart. Oh, yeah. She had a moment. I don't think Josh Jackson. Yes, he is. Okay. She had a moment. Wasn't Rebecca Gayhart the girl with the Noxzema girl or something like that? I don't know. Who's Alicia Witch?

She looks like she's the star. I don't know. Yeah. So all of these things do did exist, have always existed. Oh, I could picture. I think the Internet is a little bit, bit you know it's like crowdsourced and some weirdos are writing it like like rl stein back then you have to be in the writer's guild to write something yeah rl stein him and whoever like the i think that was one of those things where it was like a bunch of writers were like we're writing this for fucking 11 year olds so like we're gonna you know not gonna be too bad fucking

siren head is a bunch of goddamn russians drunk off of vodka who stab each other with with uh screwdrivers while they fight bears and and climb the top of you know buildings and watch dash cam crashes all day long they're not gonna write you know fun little like oh this just gives you a chill up your spine it's gonna be mentally you know abusive shit so when you're waking up going like s look, there's siren heads in the building. What the fuck is that? So anyway, this is all to say. I had a worst nightmare last night, by the way.

Yeah? Yeah. Do you remember it? Oh, yeah. We had to interview Travis Kelsey today. What a nightmare. Like, I'll just sit there Pretend I'm interested

The whole fucking time I woke up like Three separate times Checking my I would wake up And then like To make sure it wasn't A nightmare

I'd check my calendar And I was like Alright he's not on here And then I wake up again Like an hour later And I was like Alright he's not on here Take then we go again like an hour later alright he's not on here take off

Travis open invite to the show come on through you know who would be a tough interview I think right now Morgan Wallen that guy doesn't give a fuck right now you see that video I saw he was just like man doctors say I can't do it anymore so

what are you gonna do cancel it go and hang with Minzy The doctor said I can't do it anymore. So you're going to do it. Okay. Going to hang with Minzy. I'm going to keep beating that drum. So, you know, I can't talk loud. We'll be on the lookout for my new show.

Wake up with Morgan. It's live on Periscope every day, 9am I did the bracket yesterday I strongly recommend people watch the bracket episode this was everyday things you could go pro in

I never understand the assignment on the bracket I was saying more broad things totally like i had like and yeah yeah yeah and i was weird when i think is we how we do our show i think of like things that like people will have a take on and like that's how you do a show this show of the bracket was a little different where it was like you were expected to show your skill. Oh, a little tell-and-tell action, a little beauty package. Yeah, it was like, oh, he is better at that than he is at that.

And not all of them were great. What could you do? Like I said parallel parking. I think I'm a very good parallel parker, but in the moment I can't parallel park. Yeah. So what, you had to pick things that you could do like with your hands in front of the office? Well, the other thing, like masturbate did get in. We debated.

Did you guys whip your dicks out a little bit i didn't i actually and then i i remembered a story where i told that i was like i'm not even that good at this because i jerked off first like i was like i was like i got like a 99 success rate which is pretty good but that's right i didn't even know i didn't even start instinctively yeah but then there was a time when we were in spain where like we were playing kings and it was like i had to get naked and i was still a virgin and i uh so scarred and i went to the bathroom and i was like so nervous to get naked it was just me my buddy and two girls and i was like i was like i'll get hard i had a hat and i was like i was hanging my hat on my dick and then like i couldn't get hard and they're like the girls like what are you doing in there and they started like moaning outside the door like like oh you're trying

to get hard i'll moan and then they were like moaning and i still couldn't get hard and i just walk out with a fucking dick bro bro i mean the kid had no shot he had no shot at a normal how old are you at this point? 15 walking out of a closet to a hotel bathroom a hotel bathroom with a couple chicks moaning walking out with your flaccid dick

trying to fucking hat just falling come on man come on tired of it whipping a batter glue up I'll just fucking fold it up here bro no shot at being a normal kid bro

were they just like you pussy yeah pretty much shot at being a normal kid, bro. Were they just like, you pussy? Yeah, pretty much. But that is far from the highlight of the show. The show is must watch because Chris Clemmer puts on a performance that I've never seen. Love Clemmer.

He is unbelievable. Chris Clemmer is everything Tommy Smokes wants to be. When we say this, when we say it on there, we're like, Tommy's going through his skills, and we're like, Clemmer's better, dude. And Tommy just keeps going, this is the worst hour and a half of my life.

This is the worst hour. Wait, wait, so give me, I don't, what do you mean, I mean, I don't want to, like, spoil the show for you to watch it, but. Because, like, I can't spoil it. I can tell you, because everything he was like, we would roll our eyes, we'd, like, spoil the show for you to go watch it, but. Because, like, I can't spoil it. I can tell you. He won't get it. Because everything, he was like, we would roll our eyes. We'd be like, what does that even mean?

At Clemmer. Yeah. And then he would do it, and you were like, holy shit. And we were like, whoa. Give me one example. Getting compact. He just, like, cleats. Clemmer's 6'2".

And he stood in the middle of the room, arms wide. You know, he looks like Slenderman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A siren head over here. Clamor could have fit in that. And my ass, who's the asshole box? He just like, dude. Became a ball.

And he does it so like. And the whole room's like. Whoa! Holy shit, you're tiny as shit, man. How did he like know that though? That was funny. It's how he used to watch TV as a kid and so he's like it's like literally like a cartoon of like a sad kid watching tv yeah where like he has his

he like dude he like folds himself into himself like his neck comes forward into his knees he he was like this i was he was like this and by the way if I had to pick someone in the world for the other end of the spectrum, it's you. It's you. And we all tried. None of us could do it at all. But he's like this. He's obviously not using the couch. So he can do the Asian squat kind of?

Like this. Like this. Yeah. I'm talking like you can put a wall between his ass and the floor. Yeah. He's just sitting like this. I'm talking like you could put a wall between his ass and the floor. Yeah. It was crazy. And then... So, put your feet together.

Yeah, at flat. And then, yeah. I think he needs to squat when my feet have to be apart. Together is impossible. But he really is like Slender Man. He is. He has the same body as kevin duran

he's just you know an old white guy instead and then he was like 90s sitcoms i can tell you every channel they were on yeah and then yeah nick was just throwing out nick's like and he's like that was abc but switch to upr yeah This also, knowing a lot of the cast of the bracket, this is like, tell me your best autistic skills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Tommy, did he do the Yankees thing? Yeah. Yeah.

He can tell you what day of the week. I ran into Clemmer when we were like, Clemmer. Yes! I was going to say, Clemmer's up there, too. Tommy kept running into Clemmer. Clemmer was the final four, I think. All four, all final four were Clemmer's up there too. Tommy kept running into Clemmer. Clemmer was the final four, I think. All final four were Clemmer. Dude,

one was a fart noise. We were all like, whatever, everyone can do that. Perfection? The room erupted. Mouth or what? Mouth. You'll never be able to do it. Clemmer's like, I've spent years on this.

There was one time in the show where Nick goes, can you do it again? And I clocked that. My brain registered. Nick just asked him to do it. Clemmer did it. I went, who farted? My brain forgot. I just heard someone ask Clemmer to do the most amazing party ever here

and we were bringing people in and it's the same every time he changes up a little bit like he probably does it 10 times throughout the show like that was a good one

like that was the best one that was the best one that's a great party trick you can drop that once people know he used to do it in high school all the time whenever a girl bent over

bro I mean this in the least disrespectful way while it's also just being like wow he's just like trapped in the wrong body you know what i mean like he like i mean i guess he's trapped in a great body if he wants to do his he wants to do his compact thing but it's like um you know he he looks like a ghoul and then. And then he's like a totally normal fucking regular guy. I love him.

I want to watch baseball with him. I want to talk to him. You know what that is? That's a big, what do you want to call it? I guess it's just a big miss by Kirk Minahan letting him go as a free agent. You know, that's like, you know, when the Knicks brought in Jalen Brunson and people were like, I don't know about this guy. He turns out to be a fucking star. I love Clemmer.

We, one of Tommy's, which lost to a Clemmer, was, we actually ended up deciding that Tommy's skills, all of his skills are just being annoying. Yeah. He's like ordering for the table, giving directions from the front seat. I hate you. one was deciding paying at the cashier with a big coin purse yeah one was deciding the order people deciding where people should sit he can he knows the best group people so they were like they were like uh rank like seat us at a baseball game yeah Yeah. And everyone, he nailed it. Everyone was like, that's actually probably the right order.

But in it, he was like, fights and Clemmer can't sit together. They wouldn't know. I was like, I mean, me and Clemmer both like, we like each other.

Yeah. But then most people could do that. You know, it's like, Oh, these two guys hang out. These two guys, these don't,

you know, fuck you. It was so funny. This is the worst. I'm going to have fun. Um, but before that, before we had like a busy day yesterday, I think, whatever. And I had to go. I had like 15 minutes to grab.

I think we recorded at 3. I had like 2.48. I was like, I haven't eaten. I got to eat. I'm hungry. So I ran to get fucking, I don't know, insert place here. And I was walking back and I was looking at the food I was about to eat. And I just got so depressed.

Like, if you want to know why society is as depressed as we are, it's just slop is all we eat now. Yeah, food. All food is just a cardboard bowl of slop. I was looking at my thing as I was carrying it and I was like, I couldn't even tell you what this is. If I put it in front of you... Wait, what was it?

It was like, fuck, it's all the same. It's in a cardboard bowl. It's some rice, some chicken, some fucking... And that's like the healthy. You're eating the good stuff. Some sauces, some of this. If you poured it into a pig trough, it would look not different. If you served it at prison, they'd be like,

that's what we get at prison. There was an era where lunches were elegant. Whiskey lunches. You go Mad Men, you get a steak, you get something nice. Now, we have to fucking rush out. We got 15 minutes. You eat the cardboard.

If you put it on the floor, it's dog food. You're holding it in your hand. It's fucking wet dog food if you put it on the floor. You're holding your hand eating fast. I was like, this is so god damn. I don't understand how the greasy bag of fries

became like, you see someone with that, you're like, someone's having lunch today. Well, someone. It's like hot garbage in a bag like it's and i was sitting there eating this is disgusting i'm like i'm just slopping food into my mouth and i mean and i'm just like this is also this is also a feidelberg uh broken brain sort of thing. Dude, they treat us like we're animals. We're all animals. Everyone here is a fucking animal.

Why? Because we just cycle in and they're just like, next, next, next. There you go. Slide it down. It's a fucking slop, you pig. Two sides. You want this sauce? Medium, large, light, whatever.

You know, light, medium. Before I tap my credit card, they should make me oink. Here's a question for you. Who treats you with less respect? The lunch food industry or Netflix? Oink, oink, piggy. Netflix just puts out

garbage entertainment and brands it like a Netflix original, and everyone's like, ooh, I haven't seen something this good since like, you know, whatever the fucking what was like the first one that was like amazing? House of Cards. Yeah, everyone's like, we gotta watch House of Cards.

It's like, this fucking thing sucks as a dick. This movie sucks a dick. Even the good ones, like big stars, you know? It's like, oh, this one's got Ryan Reynolds. Oh, yeah? Well, this sucks. You know, the good like the good ones like big stars you know it's like oh this one's got ryan reynolds oh yeah well this sucks you know i learned that the pay the stars like double their salary to do a netflix i'm sure like double yeah i'm sure they're probably because also they're not getting box office back ends and all this stuff but yeah and they're also like i'm

doing dog shit this is garbage yeah 10 people gonna watch it yeah i actually read the best fucking adam sandler the the best um of explanation, not explanation, but like thing from the writer's strike. Someone was like, writers put Netflix on the map with House of Cards. Writers put FX on the map with The Shield. Writers put AMC on the map with Mad Men. When you put executives in a room, what you get is Quibi. Yeah. And I was like, oh oh that's a good point i will i i i almost

want to do like a podcast like storyboards or something or just something on quibi quibi was like a a you know a watershed moment for my own life my own brain where i was just like don't listen to anything yeah like just go with your gut because even if you're wrong at least like you made your decision and you can like live with it because like quibi was like the smartest quote-unquote people like in the world in the landscape of media it was like the people who invented computers and the people who like no television and the people with the most money and they all got together and came up with literally the biggest failure in the history of entertainment and like i mean it lasts it last it had to close its doors before like a mom and pop

shopped it in a pandemic totally like we don't have this kind of money didn't it cost a billion i don't know the number i'm pretty sure there's a billion involved The Kardashians had a show on it They paid like talent a billion Chrissy Teigen Like Chrissy Teigen's a judge Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Chrissy's court or whatever

Yeah The worst They had like a 12 minute Hemsworth action movie Yeah It was like 12 minutes long They had the At the time

The cooking show Yeah They just shoot you with a bunch of food, and then you have to eat it and decide what it is, then cook it. That's how we get lunch these days. They fucking load it into a shotgun and shoot it into your face. $350 million was left to return to shareholders

out of the $1.75 billion it raised. Unreal. The shareholders thing is an interesting thing I saw about The writer's strike too Honestly it might have been Snoop Dogg who said this Where it was like You're telling the writers it doesn't make any money You're telling the shareholders it's going to make them rich

Choose one of us who you're lying to Because it's one of us Was he wearing blue and yellow? I read it but I did see that video too Yeah where he was He went off script at some at some uh like conference and was just like he's talking about ai and streaming and shit and he was just like how am i gonna get a billion streams and not get a million dollars fuck this it's a great point that like i don't know how the music industry

allowed it like i guess there's no like music union right i mean there is like there's writers unions and shit but i don't know if they have like a like the mlbpa is like one of the strongest fucking unions in the world they needed somebody you know like drake and taylor should have got together and been like they they definitely have unions it's just like do they have any power though taylor taylor is on streaming on apple yeah she's like no my music's not going on apple yeah hey everyone first right but like did they because i feel like it's still like i did 50 billion streams this year and i got like 1400 fucking crazy yeah that that came along so quick they haven't been able to arbitrate like money for it yeah they gotta figure that shit out everyone's just signed one year deals from now on

everything changes so fast yeah yeah there's no way or long-term with opt-outs or some shit, you know, like you can lock me up, but I can go if I need to. Um, Quibi was like, you know, it's just the,

the definition and the epitome of a, nobody knows what they're doing. B, uh, like smart people, just cause you're smart at one thing. Doesn't mean like you're smart at another. And C like you,

things are going so fast that it's like, okay. Even if you were like you, you figured out like a Netflix or streaming, like you're a dinosaur. Now we're doing like, you know, little tick tocks. Now you gotta be, you know what I mean? It's like, it just moves so goddamn fast that nobody, there's no way anybody can learn fast enough to keep up. So everyone's just kind of doing their best estimates and best guesses. And you might as well just go with what you think.

If you're in, you know, if you're just some fucking moron off the street, don't, but like in our world, we all, you should, you guys should see John now when he goes to these, when we go to these meetings with people from Barstool. Particularly, we have meetings with people who are in positions that we've seen like 10 of them come through now. And they come in and they're like, I'm the new director of this, executive of that. I oversee this. And in six months, log on.

And in the beginning, we used to listen to them because they were like, I don't know, this person is smart. And they came from this great company. and they're going to like revolutionize what we do so let's do it and get rich and then they're dead ass wrong and the next one is dead ass wrong and then the next one is trying to do what we said to do five years earlier so we just

are like fuck all these people and we go into meetings in good faith let's try to be productive here you know we've been pitching this idea to try to do a high quality production of comedy the same way they do the college football and the nfl show shoot it correctly have high value guests chop it up into a million. You can do a live stream if you want.

Get a high level sponsor in and let's do it like they do it. And we had a meeting the other day. We brought that up and then the new people sitting there had never heard of the idea before. And John goes, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is the first time you're hearing that idea? And they were like, yeah. And he was like, we said this about a year ago. It's just a year ago. It's the first you're hearing about it. And they said, yeah. And he was like, we said this about a year ago. It was just a year ago. It was the first we were hearing about it. And they said, yeah, and he just goes, and he crosses his feet, and he just looks the other way.

The rest of the meeting, he just sits there. He's like, well, I'm done here then. It's amazing. It's like a good cop, bad cop. It's just a good cop dead on the inside cop.'s not even it's just a good cop like dead on the inside cop like i'm sitting there i didn't know like it's not a conscious thing i'm not like i mean i'm definitely very annoyed and angry but i i mean maybe they i don't know they can pick up on it i know you like i'm still like trying to salvage it i'm like okay let me explain it again because

this is the first time you're hearing it here are my ideas on how to do it here's my ideas on how to monetize it and then i'm like how can we make sure this doesn't happen again and i'm like just i want to rip across i want to reach over and and take blattman's bald head and squeeze it till it explodes and it's not even his fault but it's just like i want to kill somebody over this you're in the room right now and uh and so i the people that were in charge of it didn't show up to the fucking meeting for the third time in a row. And I'm just even,

uh, respond. No, they just didn't show up. One of them. Yeah. But as I'm doing that, John's just sitting there.

I literally, I'm like, at one point I was like, I think he's like lowering his heart rate. He's not even breathing. He's just like, I'm trying to lower my heart rate. That's for sure.

There was, there was one, I forget what, when it was, but where you just started texting. And then we'll walk out and he goes, no, that's going to happen.

I think I said that. That's not when the, why the fuck do we come to this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what he did. Well,

why the fuck do we do this?? Yeah, that's what he did. Why the fuck do we do this? God, it is admirable. But we got a bunch of Quibi running around. I got a great idea. Let's do 12 minute. They were so wrong. They were so wrong. Didn't Anna Kendrick was friends with her sex doll of her

or some shit it was a Quibi show Anna Kendrick is friends with a sex doll that came to life or something like I said it was like a watershed moment for me not that I fancy myself some you know

maven some tastemaker you know knowing the fuckingven, some tastemaker, you know, knowing the, the, the fucking ahead of the curve knows what's next. But I remember looking at like their little like mission statement and, and I was,

again, a lot of people said it, so I'm not trying to claim this was like some amazing prediction, but I was just like, I've been in this space long enough to know that idea sucks. Like that was one from the jump. Everyone's like, what the fuck? And, and I was like, I, I've been in this space long enough to know that idea sucks. Like, that was one from the jump. Everyone's like, what the fuck?

And I was like, you could sit me down with the smartest billionaire behind this, and I will tell him to his face, I am smarter than you on this. You are wrong on this. And then I think these people just dig their heels in and they're like, no, I'm right. And they lose a billion dollars. And it's not just Quibi. It's everything. So I don't even know how we got on this but it was like but speaking of short form video new out of order is out yeah let's go episode three episode three three out now go watch

it go watch it twice one did i see on the board there's five skits this time are there five in this one there's five there's five skits let's go that's a little extra for you um 15 minutes still um it is i think pav said it's our most complete episode um has just like making movies it's dude it's they're like he sent like the stills from it and i'm like oh it's a movie yeah yeah yeah they're very very very sick oh man that was a tough profile shot we got was it well you know it's just like the train almost hit your honker oh there it is yeah

is that Brie? was she in the skit? I mean Brie is Brie's in it for she doesn't have a line that's the name of the game you get these extras and then they promote your show Drew Barrymore on Scream putdney sweeney in the poster

the uh i think brie is going to be in it going forward uh in some um but i mean like this that was one it was just like we were here on a friday and like no one i i i told brie i was like i don't even think to ask you because you're so big like yeah i just bumped into i was like what are you doing right now you know what she is a good example of what i got nick tyranny in this one we got uh tommy smokes in this one what i think people do to us comedian anthony moore where i'm like i'll i'll do anything you want and they're like oh i just never think to ask you i'm like all right that's what i do to break right right and she's probably like down to do whatever and we just don't ask her because we assume. Have you told the story about Anthony Moore?

Like, how that went down? So Anthony Moore is a very funny comic. He's a black guy, and they needed a black guy for the skit. Which is hard at Barstool. It's hard to find a black guy here. I'm just speaking of facts. And what was the skit? it's hard to find a black guy here. Just speaking of fact. Yeah. Um,

and what was the skit? It's like, it's just like, I don't want to give it away, but it's just like, there's awkward racial. Yeah. There's also parts to it. Right.

Right. And, uh, sass is sass hired or Owen. I, Owen, Owen, Owen just didn't tell him that the premise of the skit is like an awkward white guy

saying like racial, like being like racist, right? No, but not being racist. It like, it's almost, it's almost reverse racism.

Whereas like I was too walking on eggshells around a black guy. Right. Where, but like, he's just like, yo show up like, Hey man, you want to do a skit with us?

Like it could be anything. It could be like what any premise, it could be about relationships. It could be at work, whatever to bring in a black guy with a bunch of white dudes and not tell them that it's like a racially based thing until you start going it's fucking nuts but also owen went into emergency surgery owen wasn't right right right so like so he walked into a room with just a bunch of white guys it was like that he had probably never met before right never yeah no i don't think any of us had ever met him. He's an awesome dude. He's unbelievable.

And I'm sure... But then I didn't know what fell on me because I did it too. I was like, do you know the sketches? And he's like, run me through it again. And so you and I did it. I didn't know you had done it. So we both did it twice. And it was like, alright, so

go watch the sketch. And he crushed it. He's a comedian, so go watch the sketch. But he crushed it. Well, he's a comedian. He's a normal guy. I'm sure. He actually has not a similar bit. But like in the Owen show that he hosts, he did something similar. That's what sparked the idea.

Got it. And 99% of comics and people that are going to be down to work with us would be totally cool about this. It's just a funny thing. Honestly, that's a skit in itself. That was, like, very meta. That was some Inception shit where it's, like, if there was a skit show about a skit show where the black guy doesn't know that he's about to have to do, you know. It's like, okay, I'm going to get out the hood and some blackface.

It's like, wait. Whoa, wait. What are we doing here? Dude, while we were, like, filming. Not filming. We were kind of, like, getting, whoa, wait, what are we doing here? Dude, while we were filming, not filming, we were kind of getting camera settings like that, Jake Bass was talking about how he was Jewish. And in my head, I was like, say that louder, say that louder. It's really multicultural here.

He was talking about how he, that's a funny story. Jake Bass was telling where his girlfriend in college got like really drunk one night and started crying Bass went to Alabama and he started crying and he's like what's wrong I'm dating a Jewish man wait what

did you hear that what did Jake say wait can we get him is he here uh probably can you pop your head out that's fucking outrageous i'm telling you if we like gave him a few whiskeys he'd be the most dangerous person to have on a mic i bet but that is your existence I mean what do you say back

I'd just be like L'chaim boy we are all over the map here I don't know how we got to I would love somebody to like map out how this podcast went here's the first topic and it went here and then that one, and then that went here, and then that went here. We are nowhere close to where we started.

This is like one big plug for tickets. So go to the Wilbur. Another thing I thought of this morning, I found another thing that the internet ruined. You might like this one, or you might hate this one i don't know okay um the internet ruined conspiracy theories because it's not it's not conspiracy theories it's that they know the phrase conspiracy theory gets clicked so they they use it at times where like it's not a conspiracy you know though do you know the the etymology of the Meghan Markle thing? What's the Meghan Markle thing?

That she was in the skies at the coronation. There's one tweet that was just joking, like, you're not fooling us, you're not tricking us, Meghan. Oh, that was real? No, but then, so then all the headlines are conspiracy theories. It's just one person who said a joke tweet. But were some people thinking that was serious? I think when you throw conspiracy theory on it, it becomes more real. And people are like, oh, yeah, that does look like her eyes.

The guy's a knight. Yeah, yeah. This dude, I think, pops up every time they do something. And it's like the fat guy in England, too. You know, the stupidest guy. Every, like, you know, five years, they have their moment in the sun. And everyone's like, who's that guy? And it's like, I'm the knight's templar. So, like so like every time i realize every time i read conspiracy theory i just roll my eyes

anyway yeah but now when i'm like oh it was a single tweet where someone just went you're not fooling us megan and now like the new york post writing articles about this fucking conspiracy theory yeah because we used to just be able to make jokes and have fun it's not all that fucking yeah and and in general even conspiracy theory was always for the most part taken with a grain of salt and tongue-in-cheek that there's like i'm having fun with this i know we landed on but that's all but i'm saying there's like you know some some funny angles that we can talk about now it's like you get lumped in with the fucking lunatics of the world yeah people are actually trying to break down like no i'm just making a joke that this guy looks like he's in a mask yeah the person looks like someone in a mask yeah or in this this this thing always bothers me though i've talked

about this before the the conspiracy theory triangle because the bottom one that says grounded in reality are things that at one point were called crazy conspiracy theories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. MKUltra, in the beginning, people were like, the government would never do that. Well, they did. Right. You know, at one point, you would have said,

like, Bill Clinton went to, like, a rape island. Like, no, he didn't. And now they're like, okay, these ones are real. And these ones are the crazy ones. Like, who fucking knows? You know? Have you heard about this is a conspiracy? I just saw it on TikTok today.

We nuked them. We tried to nuke the moon at one point. It's like, we just tried to nuke the moon. What's going to happen? Um, did you see that guy who got kicked out of Berkshire Hathaway's like big,

like meeting he, um, it looks like almost like a, when like Bill Gates presents to like the shareholders and there's like almost like a when like bill gates presents to like the shareholders and there's like big picture almost like succession like where they're doing like a there's a big screen behind them so i don't know what it was but this guy uh was like hello my name is like peter or something and like i represent like this is my job at the company and he starts talking and i could it's like kind of whatever and then he's like as we know

Bill Gates flew to Epstein Island and the whole crowd starts going like they're groaning and he gets like escorted out but it's actually not it's a very anticlimactic video but the fact that like

dude was just like in front of the whole fucking Berkshire Hathaway everything was just like and I think he was trying to almost like insinuate Warren was like involved it was a dude swung for the fences I did not fucking hold back

I'd like to take this time to defend the people who've went to Epstein Island. Oh, sure. The floor is yours. Bro, I don't know who all my friends are fucking. You invite me to an island, I'm going. Okay, that's true. There's, I believe,

a decent amount of them that went after he was after like the news was out oh really that's that's different I shouldn't say that I don't know if there are people who went to the island I was going to say were they still taking flights I think there are people

I think there are people who continue to do business and deal with him and go to parties like here and associate with him. And I think that's a bit much. Because I would imagine if I had to take a guess, Epstein did his best to hide this. So it's not like he was like flying down his friends and being like, I got a couple of 12 year olds. I would, I think with most addictions and criminal activity,

you hide it from the people you, you want, you care. I don't want them to know. And these guys get so cocky and you do it for so long and you don't get caught. And when you do the police just disappear and you're just like i'm fucking bulletproof yeah and you get kind of like lazy with but like if you just apply it to a

regular person you're like you have all the time he's a he's a drug addict he's a drug i don't know he was normal around me yeah i guess he was sneaking to the bathroom and fucking kidnapped people it's not really like like there's even people like in our business who like i'm like a couple things happen i I'm like, I don't know. Maybe we shouldn't have them on the show anymore, you know? Yes. And that's, like, a very loose connection. And I really wouldn't be necessarily, like, connected to that person if they were to come on the show or whatever.

Once Epstein was outed as, like, this guy. But was he? He was outed? I thought he got arrested pretty quick. I don't want to turn this into a whole defense thing. But I was just saying, I think Jeff was pretty good. I don't want to turn this into a whole defense thing I think Jeff was pretty good I'm just trying to say Some of my friends get caught doing some really dirty shit

And I didn't know about it Don't get mad at me It's like the Patriots, they cut him right away You just had a murder, well we didn't know And when we did know, we got rid of him I remember the first time he got caught He was dead to rights And they made the evidence disappear

Oh yeah But then it was like out there i forgot about all that yeah yeah yeah uh once it was like once they had him they had him but like the first round was just like we know well it was almost like an oj thing yeah did yeah i get that that i was thinking of like the uh the sunny episode when, when Frank, Frank went to the, all the time. Yeah. Scuba. Great.

Like the, you usually hide the things you're embarrassed of. It's really my point here. Did you see. Now I'm, I don't know. Does, does TikTok do verified checks yes would oj simpson have a verified one i don't think that's him okay because you know what i'm about to talk about yeah people are taking his old videos and that's what i thought it was okay uh because there's a there's

an account at lucy juicy and i don't think he would name that either but it has like 250 000 followers and and one of the videos was from oj simpson and it said at conspiracy theories and and the girl i don't know if this is considered a conspiracy but this is basically a little series on if oj simpson really did it or not uh uh who knows yeah i guess we'll have to wait and see And I saw, I was like, that's clearly an old video that they stitched together, but I thought that's what he was doing for his TikTok. It has a lot of thoughts, but I think, so that's even fake too. Yeah. Yeah.

The official OJ Simpson is, that makes a lot more sense, but it's going around where people think it's real and that he's just cavalierly mentioning, like, yeah, we'll see if I did it or not. You think that OJ on his deathbed would say something? I'm going to go with the thing. You still have to hide the things you're embarrassed about. They just put him in the casket with the glove on.

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Terms apply. Must be 21 or older. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLING. Am I the asshole? Yeah. And voicemails. Do we have time?

Yeah. There you go. Let's play a round of am I the asshole so why don't you two come down here Nick can you come in too or can you need to be behind there uh I got a couple cameras okay all right we're gonna uh for who's the biggest asshole we got Mike and uh Vinny the guinea's gonna come in and we will uh we will play a round of Am I the Asshole? First time on camera, Vinny. Actually, no. First day I was here.

You got on camera? Are you nervous? Are you a nervous person? Yeah, you don't get nervous? All right, we'll see about that. I'll start it real quick. Am I the asshole if I walk into the KFC radio studio still wearing my sunglasses? What, did I do that? Yeah. How long did he wear them? asshole if I walk into the KFC radio studio still wearing my sunglasses yeah

how long did he wear he just opened the door and I was like he's still in his sunglasses the sunglasses thing you think as soon as you're in the building you take them off it's it's it's one of the great issues with humanity in fact the because you feel

so like you want to so badly the juxtapose the comparison of how you feel versus how people look at you when you have them on i feel like i every time i get off in the elevator i want to leave them on i like it ties the outfit together i want this on so fucking bad and i have to take them off and then and then and then vinny doesn't what i would say is because i don't want to i don't want to look like I'm in the building. I got to take them off. Like, I feel the pressure.

So I'm like, I'll just take it off when I get to my desk. Oh, so you think about it. Yeah. You're crazy, too. I think all this is a little bit fucking crazy. I'm not a sunglasses guy. I don't wear sunglasses. I don't wear them.

Oh, dude. My rule is, if I don't wear them in the winter, it's got to be the summertime. And even then, I just don't do it. I just let the sun burn my eyes. And that's the thing. Every time, I'm like't do it. I just let the sun burn my eyes. And that's the thing. Every time, I'm like, ah. It makes sense because you've got dark eyes. But you probably have sensitive eyes.

You have lighter eyes. There's more sensitivity. Yeah, but I want to let these babies pop. Is that? Is that? I've heard that. But is that like? I've heard blue eyes are really sensitive to light.

I don't know. No, that is a thing. Yeah. But I wonder how different it is. If you were to pop into my eyes, you'd be like, light. I don't know. Yeah. But I wonder how different it is. You know, like if you were to pop into my eyes, you'd be like, and if I were to wear yours, I'd be like staring at the sun,

like no problem. Um, you know, walking through the, you had to walk through the hallways to get here. Some people probably said that guy's an asshole. We're wearing sunglasses. Like it is definitively.

It's like when you're driving in a car, with them on, you feel like you're in a movie. You just feel better. You feel like you're in a movie scene. It truly is. If we had to make a list to go back to the old KC radios of top five coolest things, in no particular order at the top is cigarettes and sunglasses.

But on sunglasses sunglasses even if you don't actually look cool maybe you could look goofy maybe you failed at trying to get the fit off but like every if my kid puts on sunglasses they go like oh cool guy cool guy wearing the sunglasses every time my one of my best friends growing up used to wear like the old school oakleys the like the crazy angled ones like the baseball ones to little league and he would wear this was like early on he had the uniform on jeans and oakley's and he would call them hollywood havens and he was good he was like pitching well but it was like who the fuck do you think all these are the reason why i don't wear

them because like every time i walk downstairs with them on as a kid, my dad's like, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right, right. Who do you think you are? You just feel cool. When I'm in the street, I'm like, hell yeah. But then you get inside, you're like, I don't know. Because then they're going to think I'm trying to. I can't wear them.

Wearing sunglasses with anxiety is a nightmare. And inside in general. I, like when, when, uh, when PFT was still like no sunglasses, no eyes out. Would he be in a dark bar with sunglasses on? I can't see anything as is. I was like,

I was like, so like, like, how is this for you? This is probably like, I don't know, when someone were on the Jersey shore or whatever. And he's like,

Oh, I haven't seen at night in five years. I was telling him, I was like, I was like, I wouldn't be able to do this. I wouldn't be able to see. No fucking way. Like, you must, like, you're probably wearing, like, cheap sunglasses. But, like, you know, something without fucking polarizing or something like that. And he's like, oh, no, I haven't seen it at night in five years.

We were doing a pop punk show with him and he like during one of the songs took a pair of sunglasses off and threw them into the crowd, but he had another one. Yeah. He always kept them on. And I don't know how he had to like, and still was able to play a guitar. Like that's crazy.

Also, I want to add to this one. What about taking them off on the subway? Cause I've definitely just spent the same thing. No. So to me, subway is like you're you're in the wilderness still in the subway in my mind it's but it's still that debate in my head

where sometimes i'm on sometimes if i think about it i take them off sometimes i'll just i'll leave them on like sometimes i'll just forget they're on but if i think about it i take them off every time helps you people watch on the subway too though yeah there was i actually did we didn't get to it with uh will poulter when he was here but in in that gq 10 things i can't live without it was his glasses and i think his they were glasses but i believe it was they weren't even um what do you call it with a t transition i think they were snap and because what does that mean i think snap your... You snap. Which would be... I mean, you can't have epilepsy with those things. Wait, wait, wait. What? I think...

Can you pull up Will Poulter's... Are you literally telling me you snap your fingers? I wasn't super paying attention to the 10 things. And then the glasses changed? And it would change, yeah. Pull it up. Because what if, like... How do the glasses know what the noises are?

That's why, again, like, I wasn't... If it was you, I'll just change your glasses all the time. There's no way this is true. It either was done in post. It was like, as he snapped, they changed. But again, I wasn't super paying attention. The only thing I've seen is clip-on.

We'll pull those 10 things. Oh, you're not... That's not your computer. I will tell you this much. I'm willing to bet a lot that that's not real and if it is those are the coolest things in the world and i will get these glasses you can oh here it is i think you're just talking about transition right right? But why they didn't post? Yeah, it's just like a fun thing you don't fucking need. That's a mask. I think that's a...

Okay, like I said, I wasn't super paying attention, but even watching it, it's implied that that's how it happened. It's really well done video tracking. That is cool. But that's up there with Jackie thinking that Steph Curry hit all those shots. Imagine people just going up to you. Bro, how about clap-on, clap-off lights?

What's the difference? There's a little bit of a difference. But the clap-ons, that was in the 80s. We've had a lot of technological success. You know what's crazy? That the clapper. The people that get OJs on TikTok. How old are you?

29. Oh, you're a little older Okay so you're like a functioning human Cause uh I'm sure people don't even know about the clapper The clapper was like The fact that that didn't like become the standard To me is crazy

Yeah You got Alexa Yeah My whole apartment's like that Yeah I mean I get But there was an in between man There was like A 20 year gap between Alexa and the clapper

Longer than that I just remember that old woman That's how she clapped There was like a 20-year gap between Alexa and the clapper. Longer than that. I just remember that old woman. That's how she clapped. There was a song, right? Yeah. Clap on, clap off. The clapper. That was back when jingles ruled the world. Okay, let's get it. See how good who's the biggest asshole is?

Dude brings up sunglasses next thing you know we're talking about the clapper. Was that the determination on the asshole? Yeah. I might not take them off now. I'm staying with a friend and had sex with a stranger on his couch. Now he's pissed. Am I the asshole?

Not even a little bit, bro. This is how many friends I've had. Piss my couch. Yeah. Well, okay. This is what I was going to say. This is an age thing. I think if I invite my friends over when I'm like 45, actually,

I think this is like a guy thing. Like if you're upset, your boy fucked on your couch, you're late. Yeah. You know, if like, if I wouldn't fuck on a girl's couch that yeah. If you, I wouldn't fuck on a girl's couch. And I also feel like guys get stuck in a spot where it's like, you live with your girl, you're married or a spot where it's like you live with your girl you're married or something and it's like i don't get you that you pissed the couch or fucked on the couch but stacy's gonna fucking flip out you know so i i can understand but like being like

really upset about it dude i remember my friend one time we called it the park bench because we had a a couch that looked really nice it looked like suede but it felt like he was sitting on an outdoor park bench and he got so shit-faced it's the same guy one time the same night we had to try to get him home he's fucking jacked he's the most in shape guy i know and he was just pinballing his way down the streets of new york it took like five of us to corral him he was doing cannonballs on the top of hoods of cars and he's like the most polite like straight like guy I know and he just like lost his mind drunk one night I had one of those

meth drinks and and and then we put him on our couch and nobody has ever pissed a piece of furniture more than this I bet you pissed on my couch we could hear it like it was a faucet that was on.

I was like, is the couch leaking? It was just covered in piss. I had a roommate in college who pissed his pants so much when he got drunk that it would happen every time that it started happening sober. He would just piss his pants. He was like, I didn't even drink last night.

He would just piss his pants. In bed or unconscious? No, in bed. He'd fall asleep on the couch, piss all the time. He's like, I didn't even drink last night and he would just piss his pants all the time. In bed or unconscious? No, like in bed. He'd fall asleep on the couch, piss on the couch. See, that's the difference between us. I don't count pissing in bed

as pissing your pants. No, no, that is true. I piss my pants unconscious. It's your own bed, though. It has to be your own bed. If you piss your pants asleep, you pissed the bed. You didn't piss your pants. Sometimes you might not even be wearing pants

You can't piss your pants Speaking of that I've been sleeping Winnie the Pooh lately That's bananas On purpose? Kinda yeah I think it's cause So I shower at night And then I'm like I'm not even gonna fucking waste a pair of underwear

I'll just put on sweatpants And then I'm like, I'm not even going to fucking waste a pair of underwear. I'll just put on sweatpants. Feel that. And then I take sweatpants off. I think sweatpants with no underwear is the greatest fucking feeling in the world. But then it's like, I get in bed and I just drop those. I do get that.

I get that. So as long as you're not walking around your apartment when you, no, no, no, no, no. But like,

is there, when you go to bed at night, you drop, you're like, okay, I'm not going to sleep in my sweatpants, but you're like, Oh,

I got to get my glass of water real quick. I got to run to the bathroom one more time. Oh, I'll brush my teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're just running around. The edge of your shirt is just tickling the tip of your dick. Your balls are hanging a little bit lower. I can see your Hank Hill ass in the back there.

No ass. And then you just tuck yourself in. Yeah. Oh, Baba. Fucking Winnie over here. Hank Hill ass in the back No ass And then you just tuck yourself in Obama Fucking Winnie over here I have been having sex Winnie the Pooh A lot And I remember

Only way to do it I think once you get a little bit older And you're not as comfortable And you get a little lazy You're like I don't need to take this off. But I remember a girl. I go socks almost all the time. Yeah, shit like that.

I just can't get to my feet. She can take them off if she wants. It's the biggest turn off in the world. I was going to say, she's going to dry up when she hears you go. You can deal with my naked body. If you have to see me take off a pair of socks oh you no longer want bending over like that no i i mean i can barely get a pair of pants off um so but i remember um hearing like that when the ick was a big thing like a guy winning the

pooing will give me the biggest ick. And I was like, well, you know, it hasn't yet. You want to really give me the ick? My shirt off. Yeah. Me totally. Dude,

my buddy. I keep my, I don't keep my pants on. I put it through the zipper. My Gatorado style. The, uh, my, um,

my buddy in college, I think I've told this story before my buddy in college called me once and he's like dude what do you think I'm going to do I was like what are you talking about he's like Julie told me from now on I gotta leave my shirt on for a sec that's so brutal

I was like break up with her she like clearly does not find you attractive and to be fair to her he'd put on some weight Like she like clearly does not find you attractive. It was. And to be fair to her, he'd put on some weight. It hit a leg. It was like,

it was like freshman year. So he's like freshman. It was like, he got fat that year. Yeah. And it was like, this isn't who I used to date. Oh,

I don't want tits in my face. Part of me gets that. But also it's like, I don't know. You better stay hot as shit then you better not change at all flip that on you real quick saggy tits all right uh so final answer you are the asshole you're not the you're not the asshole but i feel like you're you i think at a certain age and certain scenarios you are if you do it but you're only like you're like it's

not even really an asshole act it's like if you get it but you're only like you're like it's not even really an asshole act it's like if you get caught then it's a thing because anything yeah i mean listen if you like come all over my couch or something you squirt i remember one time bro i i i i got lucky in high school and without even you know, modern day fucking like tutorials on Pornhub that will teach you how to make a girl squirt. It was it was way before that. But I got lucky and it happens. It wasn't like a Scytheria explosion, but it was like I was like, whoa, you know. And the next day, my mom was like, I think Jack's our dog.

I think Jack peed on the couch and that was early on where i began the whole is p squirt is squirt p like it did smell like the dog pissed that couch clem had a retweet last night where it was like one like just like a college type house and it was like someone like taking video of like a college type house yeah and it was the viral tweet with someone quote tweeting that going, you never lived in a house like this. We fundamentally, no matter your sex, we fundamentally will not understand each other. Yeah.

And I was like, completely agree. Yeah. And I was thinking back to like my shore houses, my summer houses, and even my college houses too. And there was one. In my apartment now. Yeah, it's stages. And there was one. My apartment now. Stay at Stages. And there was one summer.

We lived on Thames Street in Newport. And it was such a regular thing that people would piss the couch. That, like, you'd just wake up on Tuesday morning, Wednesday morning. It didn't matter. The couch cushions were just out on the porch. Outside. Just dry it out. didn't matter the couch cushions were just outside and then and then there was one night where or one day like i came home from work and i was like i pissed it last night

and they were like no one dude stephanie's a squirter freshman year obviously you're in dorms so like, like, can't jerk off at night. So it would almost be like a fight for the couch. I'm sleeping on the couch. You just know everyone's out there. Wait, what was your living scenario? You had, like, a suite? It was a fight.

Dibs! Shut up! I get to jerk off couch tonight. So it's, like, two rooms, but the rooms, like, the beds were basically as close as you could fight today. So, like, I'm not jerking off right tonight. There's like two rooms with the rooms like the beds are basically as close as you can. Touching each other. So like I'm not jerking off right next to him.

Sometimes it happens. Wait for me to sleep throw a pillow at him see if he's still awake. But if you got the couch volume on 100. Did you guys have a set head spot?

I guess it didn't really matter because you're always going to end up your middle is always going to be in the middle of the cushion. But like sometimes like you've had a time or two where you're like almost like

you hear is it in Black Hawk Down where you're like no pops no snaps was it

no hisses are far away snaps are close and you're like whoa like there are times that happens where you're like where the fuck did that come from where was that on friday night but you gotta know where your head's at if you gotta know where like everyone's head's gonna be yeah no i didn't think that deep but at 19 it was like left and right yo i mean early early on that shit was

like a 50 i told the guy that his penis was a grower and he stopped texting me back i've been called a grower and it is it makes makes you go, wait a second. Yeah. And I think inherently it's meant, it's, it's meant to be kind, meant to be a compliment. It's just a backhanded one. And you just start to think to yourself. It's just any commenting on a body where you're like, I know, I see it. But here's the thing. Unless you are if you're not if you are a grower and you're just honest with yourself

then it's a compliment I know that my flaccid penis is so unbelievably small I mean it's good like if I sit in the right way it will go like inside my ball but I know that when it's not flaccid, it's a good size.

So if I just accept that, it's like, what do I give a fuck about my flaccid dick? Who cares? You let them see your flaccid dick, though? See, I just don't let them see it. They'll never know. Listen, you see my flaccid dick, like, let's go to the courthouse, sign the papers and put a ring on it right now. I try my hardest to keep you seeing that for the longest I can. If you eventually get in a relationship or it gets long enough, eventually you just kind of get lazy or it's just it's just it's just a numbers game.

Probability. She's going to see it eventually. You know, I've I had a time once when I was like I was like in high school. I hung out with older kids. And so i was probably like 15 14 and i was like out on my buddy's boat and i was with like 18 year olds and they were drinking stuff like that and my buddy and his girlfriend were cracking up at like the back of the boat and i was like i was like what are you guys laughing at he's like yeah he had his towel open he's like he's laughing out because we had like gone swimming and he's so she's laughing how small my dick is i was like it's like what i his towel open he's like he's laughing out because we had like gone swimming and he's like

she's laughing at how small my dick is and I was like what I'd give for that kind of confidence yo that relationship beautiful

beautiful like that kind of confidence is fucking it's something I'll never experience in my life if you can ever reach a point with a chick

or if you're a guy reach it with a girl where you are like sexually, not even sexually, just like emotionally, mentally, physically, literally, reality wise, just like that open with each other naked. It's a blast. You're like laughing at each other's parts. You're talking in the middle of sex. You're trying things out. You're like, can you do this?

Can you do that? Touch here. Put that put that there whatever look at this look at that it's very rare but if you can get that it's a fucking blast i mean if you know i'd rather you like i'd rather know let's say okay i know my small dick is small so if you tell me i'm a grower like we're good if you don't call me a grower Then I'm just like Oh wait a minute You think my dick is So small You know

So at least let me know It's so much like Somebody saying like You clean up nice Yes Or you outkick your coverage It's like Alright I know it

And you're recognizing it Do I need to hear it No But at least I know that you think My girlfriend's hot Or that I look sharp Or whatever The key is You're just like After sex You just like Keep your clothes off But at least I know that you think my girlfriend's hot or that I look sharp or whatever.

The key is you just like after sex, you just like keep your clothes off for like 25 seconds. Well, if you're John, you pull your shirt just a little bit lower. You just never let her see it fully. That's all you need to know. That's all you're offering. Right. You got to be careful. Like sometimes after you're done, you're like you're lazy and you're laying there and you think you're probably

looking good. After sex, it's a deterrent to sex. All for everybody. I've had girls be like, why are you putting your clothes back on? I'm embarrassed of my body?

I'm thinking clearly and now I realize it's ridiculous To be naked in front of another person You ever see like I thought it was a live show I one time finished having sex And it was I was like doggy style

But like kind of laying down kind of deal And I looked over the mirror And my gut was perfectly in her lower back And it fit like a puzzle piece it was i was just like this is i'm gonna go put a shirt on now this is this has ruined any good that reminds me it's like when big pun used to say lift the belly to put it in her mouth like like you lift the the belly, you just drop it on her back. Poor girl's like,

back is arched and not in a sexy way. She's carrying the load while she's taking back shots. Her back's basically a fucking wheelbarrow. Have you ever done the wheelbarrow position?

Imagine you did this, you lift her up, your belly's in her back, you just run around. Can't carry this whole load on my own I've been told that before cause like as I'm as I've gotten older and started putting on more weight I've been told like

the day that it affects how you can fuck is the day it's a problem you're starting to get like so fat and out of shape that you're like you can't go on top or you can't you know your cardio's too low then then you get a problem whatever which is so nice because a lot of chicks really are that way and for guys that ain't the same level you know it's like oh the minute that you like you know put on five pounds i'm gonna like you know secretly give you an eating disorder all right voicemails today are brought to you by uh fucker Voicemails today are brought to you by.

Fucker. Voicemails today are brought to you by nobody. Brought to you by the people. Just you guys. I have another one for y'all. It's not as. No, it's still pretty bleak. What am I saying?

I'm from Florida, so I'm a little bit weird. And I also know weird stuff. And this is a manatee fact. God love those big chubby bastards. One of the reasons why you can't touch or molest the manatees is because if you touch a female manatee, especially one who's recently done nursing under her fin, where she nurses from, she'll assume that you are a calf needing to be fed and she'll take you under her fin like she would a calf and hold you in real real tight because those suckers are strong like country strong fat kid strong uh take you under the water

and then not let you go where you will meet your demise in a sea of maternal manatee love. Manatees will kill you. I've swam with manatees and pet them before and I had touched a postpartum manatee. You didn't finger anyone? First of all,

she's my new second favorite caller. Next to Carl. What's his name? Glenn. Glenn's up next. One fat girl and Glenn on the show the same day. Dude, I find, like, when I, first of all, that was excellently delivered. She had a little, just like, country strong, fat kid strong. I was like, hell yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about.

That's a perfect way to describe a manatee. I would have gone with a different strength, typical one, but that's okay. But the, it's another fun fact fact manatees will drown you much like dolphins will rape you but the only animal that also rapes are manatees I thought she was going to say this no I don't think it's

what what animal suicidal that manatees like I feel like I read once that manatees might swim into fins on purpose. No, it's funny. There is something. I think they just get massacred. That's true. They do that.

You see plenty of manatees with, like, chunks missing from them. Yeah, because they just, like, are in those shallow waters and the Everglades or whatever. But I think it's just that they get absolutely worked that there's, like, an urban legend or something. Is that what it is? But it's funny. As soon as manatees came up i was like there's something about them getting chopped up yeah and uh and maybe it's just that there's a lot of that that happens but i've seen them in the um i've seen like the signs and like um yeah man like like like no no no motors in the water like yeah i forget they're... Not fucking docks, but you know what I mean. Not piers either. Whatever.

But the... I thought there's some animal that I think is sometimes like... I'm going to swim into that fast van real quick. I've had enough here. See ya. Hit me with Glenn. Hey, what's up you guys um so recently Cameron Artist Payne

who was a point guard for the Phoenix Suns uh tried to argue a call with a referee using the on my mama defense um in which he just basically said like on my mama like I didn't do that shit whatever that shit was i don't remember but basically imagine a new nba rule in which a player once a

game can reverse any call that they want by putting it on their mama that like that it was not the right call and they get to reverse it red set say red set say but after the game if it turns out that the call was initially correct and their on my mama was invalid somebody on the other team gets to bang his mom and if not she dies she gets fucking killed or banged or killed or banged how about that i'm shooting a thousand batting a thousand uh i i like the idea of like it's one challenge a game that yeah brutal like brutal honesty like if you really truly like you didn't touch me on or like you know whatever it may be, but yeah, there's gotta be harsh,

harsh, harsh, harsh penalties. Yeah. Lying about it. LeBron fucks your mom after the game. Yeah. Or joke.

Who's the last guy in the NBA. You want to fuck your mom or your girlfriend. Joke. It's just up there. Joke. It would be a sloppy fuck. This is also Eastern Europeans say Boban still in the league yeah Boban

the I do not want I do not want I was gonna say anybody white dude i know i was thinking last night dude that happened today someone's like what's like uh a person and they're like is he hot like he's black and he's like so yes like what are you what kind of answers i was gonna say that's a bizarre is he black? So yes. Okay. But the I was thinking last night watching the Celtics that

first of all, I love that rule. Glenn, just want to clarify that we obviously are. It is, but it is a dangerous thing because there are times

where you're like, I didn't hit him, but you actually did. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's right. You got it.

Like you're not on my mama with the ramifications. You almost need, I think there should be, yeah. Well, that's right. You got it. Like, you're not lying. You say, I'm my mama with the ramifications. You almost need, I think there should be two levels. There should be, like, because here's the thing. Game seven of the World Series, I'll lie about my mom, and she can get fucked. If, you know, if it brought the Mets to World Series somehow,

my mom would probably fuck him. Yeah, he said once a game. That's too often. Maybe once a year you get knocked my mom off. It's fuck or death? Yeah. Okay. And you get to pick?

Or is it a coin flip? I would say you could choose. I would not. No, because who's... Yes, you don't want your mom to bang anybody in the NBA and shit. You're not picking death. Yeah. So if we're going to involve death, it's almost got to be a coin flip of some sort.

Yeah. Because in that case, I'm not risking my mom's. Don't say mom's not fucking Delonte West's shooter. Yeah, like, come on. You can say that, but you're not going to kill your mother. So I'm not going to lie if it involves risking my mom's life. I will lie if it involves risking my mom's. You know what? I'm not going to say it out of respect

Yeah as a kid I lied about Risking my mom's life all the time Turns out it's not true she's fine still But I swore on my mama's On my mama's life all the time Bro I never did homework once Every time I swore on my mom I lost it The stakes in sports

are so high like if you could sway a championship game you would you know i wouldn't risk your life some people some dirt bags might and a lot of people would risk them having sex yeah so it needs to almost be like because then you would just lie and be like I'm my mama my toe was behind the line it's a three pointer whatever you're saying and then you know sorry mom you gotta fuck that guy so you gotta have penalty of death

and then you'll be like I'm really really pretty sure that I was safe but am i am i risking mom's life safe yeah yeah it's like who knows what the angle might show or but i guess not though it's not in the moment it just happens and then after the fact we look at evidence yeah and all that shit yeah because like you never know you don't know and You don't know. Oh, shit, I did. How can we physically absolutely prove it? The other thing that I used to do as a kid was I would refuse to take my – I thought it was the toughest thing ever. I would not take my base if I got borderline hit by a pitch.

I would be like, it didn't hit me. And I'm like, go to first base. No, I want to hit. It's like, bro, I'm hitting the gap. Don't worry about it. You're just giving me first base. I'm's like, no, I want to hit. It's like, bro, I'm hitting the gap. Don't worry about it. You're just giving me first base. I'm going to take two. Thank you very much.

That's a great. If Manny Ramirez said that, that's a great line. If you say that, it's like, shut up. Bro, I hit like 600, dude. Yeah. When you're good in Little League, it's like. Oh, no, that was high school. Yeah, your boy hit 598.

Whatever. 598 in high school? Damn. What was your OPS? I don't know. Zero home runs. No, I was a gapper, bro. I hit gaps.

It might have been 578. I might be misrepresenting. Hitting true over-the-fence home runs at an older age is... I've never hit a home run in my life no yeah like never i i was really good i'd never hit i hit i hit home runs that were like we played in in parks and fields that like didn't have fences and shit and you know what i mean yeah and then when i got to like an age where you did i just wasn't good enough like early on i would hit a gapper that just like rolls down a hill or something and i would like run around the bases i've had a hit inside the park home runs i've never had at at least like at a level that matters

you know what i i hit a home run in uh in intramural softball in college, parked one at Fordham into the bleachers. I was like, that was awesome. If only I had done that as a kid, I'd be a different person right now. Honestly, seriously though, if you hit home runs as a kid, your life is different than a kid who doesn't.

It was honestly the last thing I did. It was very early freshman year uh signed up for an intramural team while like the weather was still nice parked one felt amazing like slept walked the next day and ruined my life like the last thing i did was get a dinger yeah god had already written your script he's like tomorrow's gonna suck we'll give him we'll give him an attaboy today or maybe it was like, no, like maybe I had one home run in me and the day,

like after I do that, it activates. Yeah. So maybe what happened, you know, as an old man, if I, if I saved it till then,

but I, I never like, I was good at baseball as a little kid, but then older was never good enough. And we're talking about slow pitch softball. So it's not like anything special, but I joined the team being like, I'll just get some base hits. I'll about slow pitch softball. So it's not like I did anything special. But I joined the team being like, I'll just get some base hits.

I'll play the field, whatever. I never thought about like bombing them. And I just like, it like just scraped over the wall too. So at first I just thought it was like a pop-up. So I didn't even get to like home run trotting. Because I was like, that's a fly ball. But you know, softball, people suck when they catch the ball. So I was i was running but then i like i got to second by the time i was like wait it's over there there's something about that feeling you know what i was thinking about baseball the other day? Why baseball is so boring,

but at any given moment, there can be a home run. And if you think about how teams average like four or five runs a game, at any given moment, you can score 25% of your like average team's runs. Yeah. The day. So like,

imagine if there was like a 30 point shot in basketball at any moment like you cross half court if i shoot from here i might score 30 on one shot every possession would matter you know right now you watch basketball and it's like you know when people say all you got to do is watch the last two minutes and it's like that's stupid but it's kind of true yeah because the first you know 46 minutes of back and forth like these don't necessarily decide the game there was a 30 point shot everybody'd be like holy shit only shit only yeah yeah there's no there's nothing else like that right i guess hockey is is similar and that's why it feels tense all the time because one goal yeah i mean you know so much it's a good point i i

actually i've been watching a lot of basketball lately because i don't have um i'm just in like one of those moods where i don't really feel like starting something new right now yeah and so i'm kind of like putting on the tv on yep and just playing on my phone um and it was by the way yeah it feels like when i go to battle like i wasted my night I didn't watch a good show The Mets right now are delegated to my phone Or like a second TV type thing And I'm like If I just

I was Hours of work Off of work and I didn't do anything But basketball Is a great thing to have on for that It's a moment of excitement it's a very highlight driven sport you might see some handles and a three or a big dunk

but those don't matter in the moment until the very end whereas a home run is like right away that matters it could be the first inning, it could be the ninth inning any given pitch it might be a huge chunk of your runs. And then especially if you're talking about like a two-run, three-run, or grand slam, then you're talking about a hundred-point shot. It's like we only average like five runs a game as a team.

That's probably good teams, like the best teams average, what, like five right so if you think in one swing you could do uh four runs that would be like if you could hit a hundred point shot that's fucking sick but what i was thinking about while i watched basketball uh last night and i think if you extrapolate it it's probably goes across all teams but i mean just a i pay attention to the most it's crazy how like every team like peyton pritchard got in the game last night and people going nuts like playoff payton and it's it's it's so bizarre that that like

like white dudes are just treated like like the manager. Like they're just little mascots. Like, oh, Scalabrini! Brian Payton Pritchard! Never let him get a point! Let him get a point! And obviously it's changed with, you know, there's like, these European white guys are some of the best fucking players in the

league, but it's like, an American white guy is still just a, like, good for him. He's always got a lot of heart. Yeah. And I know that's not like a new thing, but like how excited the crowd gets. He's going to get a point. Just checking in the game.

Yeah. And then if they hit like a three ball. Yeah. You feel like the. I'm like, all right. Guys, come back. Yeah. Yeah. You feel like the you know i'm like all right guys come back okay yeah yeah you feel like him and it's just like he's a a grown adult like physical freak shredded specimen and we're

like good for you hercules hercules some of those guys out there are tall you know you try so hard i uh i i want to try to get Jason Williams White chocolate on the show He went on That MMA dudes podcast And he seemed like he was a good conversation That dude changed the world for me For like everybody Jason Williams being like

Of course there's Larry Bird and there's like great white guys But a guy like him who could play Dude after Jason Williams I don't think I've ever thrown a pass At my hands ever again You on it? Boom boom elbows knees a guy like him who could play. Dude, after Jason Williams, I don't think I've ever thrown a pass at my hands ever again. You on it? Boom, boom, elbows, knees. Yeah, man.

I'm sure. Yeah, Eagle! I saw a TikTok making fun of, like, old school baggy shorts and clothing and shit. It's like, we used to wear such big shirts, you could bounce the ball into it and hit it around and pass it to somebody uh but yeah that that guy like that that changed the fucking world for for white boys everywhere um uh one more voicemail all right i constantly want to call in with like these stupid medical facts or whatever, because I was just listening to the last episode and Fights said that he had this little red thing on the back of his neck.

And I actually work for a dermatologist. That is called a stork bite, or the actual name of it is is called a nevis simplex. It's like a birthmark basically. Um, long story short, like when fights had fucking heartburn and you guys ask these like questions about your ADHD and all that stuff, I was wanting to call in. I never have time. It's really pointless. Long, you know, sorry for the long voicemail but anyways it's called stork bite um what is the dumbest thing that you guys don't care to know uh but that you know um like this stork bite situation i mean that's like yeah what's your fun fact yeah the um it must it must be a nightmare listening to the show if you're just a moderately smart person. But to be like someone who understands.

I mean, 90% of this show is just talking about our ailments. Someone must listen and be like, I know what's wrong with you. It takes 10 minutes to fix. See a doctor. Yeah. I mean, for me, everything is just like, it's not for you. But for me, it's like, just drink water, but for me it's like just drink water asshole you're dehydrated everything is dehydration um but i do like the stork bite that's cool um i mean that's just i don't know if that's stork bite is just a way of saying birth

mark right yeah yeah it's just i was gonna say i think we were talking about didn't you have like massive acne on your neck or something or no i had a pimple on my neck when I had long hair. But this is, no, I have a red scar. It's a birthmark. We call it the Feidelberg Triangle, but it's apparently called the spork bite. Feidelberg Tornado. It's hard to be like, what's the dumbest thing you know? Yeah, it's what we do to our guests every time.

Actually, we should almost prep them. They're going to ask. I think we should tell them, your publicist, hey if you come up with it yeah i think it's a pretty simple and you can just fucking google it yeah right move on because it is like we should know the first like 10 fun facts on google uh we should figure out what the first like yeah if you google fun yeah it's something stupid but like so because someone will give you like you whether you get it from someone else or wherever like it's still we probably didn't know it the most useless thing i know well you know i talk about it all the time and it's not like i know it and other people don't

but i think most people don't remember it is the four gallons and a five gallon jug yeah i can tell you how to still you tell me every time there's two different ways i can tell you both ways i gotta get i gotta get my brain rolling and then it'll click and i'll be able to tell you it and that you know uh unless there's a terrorist who one day uh you know hits me with a cell phone and tells me there's a bomb going off unless I do it, that's going to be the most useless thing I ever do. I obviously don't know. I have no knowledge.

The only one that popped into my head? Phillips head versus flathead screwdriver. Just that you know it? That's pretty useful. The most useful thing in carpentry is knowing the difference between the two. What's a useless fact do you know well it's useless because you don't put it in use

what pops into my head was screwdrivers what goes on in that brain I think there's just circus music playing at all times just like if you can hop in there so you know that could never mean anything. Screwdriver. I can't believe that's what the first thing.

You guys know what a screwdriver is? Don't worry. It's never going to come up again ever in your life but this is a screwdriver exceptionally stupid dude my answer my answer was nothing and my actual answer was worse all right all right time for our interview uh an all-time guest here uh we've been lucky enough to go on a run the last you know now two three now like three four or five years now of really top-notch comedians and the one that always is people going, why haven't you had him on yet? Why haven't you had him on yet? And he's a New York guy.

He's an East Coast guy. Lives in Jersey. We have not had Joey Coco Diaz on until now. And we finally did it. Uncle Joey on KFC radio. The people have been asking for it. I've been waiting for it. And my God, did it live up to the fucking hype?

Just put it this way. You'll hear it. But like 45 minutes into the quote-unquote interview he says oh are we going right now he was ready to just come in here and sit down and talk with us for an hour and not do the work he came to do because he was just like oh i thought we were shooting the shit so uh at all time hall of fame interview not even interview just a a sermon from uncle joey and i strongly recommend the book i i i very recently we had a guest on this book and i said you'd be it's like going on a deaf person's show and promoting a song uh i've read the full book i think i proved that in the interview i could i've fucking you did the book report i i mentioned

multiple parts of it and you could argue too much of it but it's a great read it's a great listen to because Joey narrates it so if you want to hear it in his voice you can do that too so go get the book or listen to the book and it's Joey Diaz on KFC Radio

I left at 840 you left at 840? wait dude it's fucking 11. Bump with a fucking bumper. And I came up yesterday and I left my house at, it was like an hour five. Dude, let me tell you something. If we ever do this again and you're stuck in like three hours of traffic, turn around and cancel. We'll just do it another day.

Holy shit. It's every day. 8.40. It's every day. Yeah, I know you know what's weird it started when I drove in and out

during the pandemic and it was easy it was a breeze and then it started to get bad but I've noticed like Monday and Friday nobody's around

Wednesday Tuesday I fucking walked out nothing nothing because I think people just are working from home more and shit

but Tuesday Wednesday is like the one couple days a week you can't get away with it so working from home more and shit. But Tuesday, Wednesday is like the one couple days a week you can't get away with it. So working from home. So it's fucking jammed on Wednesday. Holy shit. It took me.

First I ordered Uber. And I saw the Uber was like 60, 70 bucks. I'm like, what's going on here? This is a hop, skip, and a fucking jump. Joey, we're selling books, baby. We don't got to worry about $60 Uber. No, no, no, no, no, no. But I'm looking at it going, holy fuck.

Something's going on. Something's going on. And then I hit it, and he canceled with two minutes. I stood there for a fucking minute. Because they see where you're going. Yeah, 450 feet, and all of a sudden, it got up to 10 minutes. Son of a bitch. I'm like, God, I just jumped in a cab.

And it was $26. So it's really bad. That's what it is. Uber raises. This guy, he hates Uber. He's been trying to get off Uber forever, man. The old cab guy did. Yeah.

I'm an old school cab guy, too. But man, sometimes Uber gets you the fuck out of here quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, you just get it right away. You get it right away. The days of standing on the corners fucking trying to get on a cab and nobody picks you up. That's a fucking nightmare. But I lived here in 93 for a while.

In 93, I used to live in Secaucus. And I leave my house at quarter to eight and I'd be in the city at eight to do a spot. Parked and ready to go. Was it just there was just less people and less bullshit? I don't know what the fuck it was. But you come to the city now at 8, 15, it's like, what the fuck are they giving away out there? What the fuck are they giving away?

Where are you fucking dummies going? See, this is why I love you. I think this is why people like you too, because it's just like you're living still a very normal life, you know? You're worried about fucking traffic in and out of the city. I don't give a fuck. I love, I take the ferry. Yeah, the ferry is the best. But at 18, in and out, you city. I don't give a fuck. I love, I take the ferry. Yeah, the ferry is the best.

But 18 in and out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you sit there, you get a little fucking sun, except today. You stop at Edgewater. You go to, when I'm on the way home, I either stop in Union City and get some steaks on a stick. Yeah. That guy's been on the corner there for 80 fucking years.

On the way home, yep. Or on the way home, I go to Cliffside and go to Rudy's and get some fucking fried calamari and shit. I've been going there since I was Rudy's and get some fucking fried calamari and shit. I've been going there since I was 16. Life's simple, man. Life is simple. Yeah, they used to serve me when I was 16, so my loyalty is with them. People are like, this is better.

Fuck you. When I was 16 and needed a drink, they were there for me. You know what I'm saying? On Monday Night Football. Love it, man. Have you always been here? Did you move out? I mean, you bounced around, right? I left here in 83. And then I came back for a while, like a year

later, and that was a big fucking mistake. Was 83 to Colorado? 84 was here. Oh, here, here, here. And then I went back to Colorado and it was just on. Like Donkey Kong. Well, we read the book. Tremendous.

The life of a comedy saviour. Bad motherfucker. And they cut chapters out. I was wondering if you kept some shit in the holster maybe for another book or another time or if the editors were like, we can't tell some of these stories.

They fought me for names at first. They were like, you can't use those names. So I had to go back and go, listen, this guy's dead. Who gives a fuck? His family's dead. Who cares? They're dead. So then that was.

And then there was one chapter they took out that I kind of got upset about because it was crucial. It showed me coming back fucking broken in 93 and in nine months. Because I always tell people, if you're fucking going through shit, move home. Move home. Take a walk to your grammar school. Walk those steps. Walk to the high school. Walk those gym fucking

hills. And something gets back to you. And that's what I did. From there, I left. And that's when I went after comedy like a fucking savage. And they, wait, they cut that out? That part of the show? Well, there's more to that part. See, that sounded pretty harmless to me, Joey. That sounded really nice.

There was dressing up like a DEA agent and taking people down in Harlem on 181st Street. We just fucking follow people and fucking take their shit. It was not good. Okay, so wait. You can tell this story on a podcast. It's not like you're hiding the story. I guess they just don't want to be on the hook for some sort of legal shit. Yeah, I don't know

what the fuck. No, I'll talk. You know, it was interesting because I came back and I had this crazy buddy and I got back and he was crazier than ever. But he was my number one comedy supporter. Like, it was hard to believe that this guy broke legs in the daytime. And then he'd make sure, you have material for tonight. You got to be going there and kill him.

I'll tell you how funny the guy was. We did Caroline's one night, and he waited till midnight to do a contest, and he fucking won the contest. Wow. Because he was just a funny guy, but he was out of his bird. Well, the thing about comedy is there's really very funny people, probably funnier than some of the best professionals. Absolutely.

But they don't have the discipline or the ability or the time or the resources, whatever. But there are some people out there that are definitely funnier than the all-time greats. They just don't do it. There's a dude in Chicago, white dude. I saw this dude. I almost died.

And I went up to him later and I go, why are you not? And he goes, I got six kids. Right. My wife's a schoolteacher. I'm happy in Chicago. And then I heard a story about he was in town one night, and he was headlining when Kennison came to that town. He was a younger comic. And the deal was that they tell you,

when Kennison comes in from doing his arena, get the fuck off the stage. Kennison doesn't want to deal with it. Just say goodnight. We'll still pay you for your set. Kennison got there, and they're like, you want us to get us off? And he's like, fuck no.

This kid's killing me. And he was clean. This guy's spotless, fucking clean. I forget what his name is, but I went to Chicago like three years ago, and he's a radio host now. So he does stand-up. He's like a fucking city guy. That's crazy.

But I always thought that dude was fucking hilarious. And, you know, there's different circumstances for people. Yeah, yeah, sure. I always think, for some reason, I don't know why it isn't me, but I always think clean comics, like, get me the best. Because it's like, you can relate to everything. It's always something that... It's also, it's not like me.

And I just like things, it's the opposite of me. Yeah, what do you think my favorite comic is? I think the best comic working is John motherfucking Mullaney. I was just going to say. Hands down. And now he's telling people he snorts coke and fucks people in the ass. I love him even more than fucking crazy Irishman.

Can you imagine? Because he comes out with a fucking suit and shit. When I heard he was doing coke, I almost died. I fucking love that fucking Irishman. I love him. He's a little faggy looking sometimes. You don't know where he's coming from, but bro, that white boy, that Irishman is fucking dangerous.

Yeah, he's a killer, dude. Dangerous. Can you imagine doing all your comedy and obviously having a great career and killing, but knowing that you got all that other shit in the holster if you wanted to tell those jokes, and just not, choosing not to. All the stories you could tell, but you're like, nah,

I can just talk about, you know. Let's talk about Bit and Binder for like three hours. Listen, guys, let me tell you what comedy is. I simplify it for people. Comedy should feel like Cat Williams' first special when he does the Michael Jackson sniffing kids' assholes bit. And the crowd was unsure. It was a black audience. You'd be talking about Michael Jackson sniffing kids assholes bit. And the crowd was unsure. It was a black audience. You'd be talking about

Michael Jackson. That's comedy. You heard oohs and you heard a ton of laughter and people who wanted to say it, he caught them. How the fuck do you fuck? When was the last time you saw Michael Jackson with a woman? Come on. Come on. I got time. Nothing.

He tore into it. War. And that's what comedy should be like, like that special, like that bit. When you watch it, you're blown the fuck away because he hits a chord with you. And that's what John Mulaney does. I like John.

I've never met him. Never met him? I'm his biggest fucking fan. No shit. I'm surprised you haven't met him yet. I tried to fucking met him. Never met him? I'm his biggest fucking fan. No shit. I've never met him. I'm surprised you haven't met him yet. I tried to fucking imitate him. Yeah. And I'm like, I can't do it.

No. No, that's hard. Not imitate him, but try to work a little cleaner and shit. Oh, Joe, listen. There are certain guys, I think that ships sail for people like us. I don't know. Yeah, but sometimes you're like, that's a goal. Yeah.

No, you're right. Everything else I've done. a book, this, that. Now what do you want? Let me do a 30-minute set clean. You know, when I started, I used to wear a suit, guys. And that sucked. Dude, the point of being in a job like comedy is that you don't have to wear a suit. Well, I liked Lenny Clark.

And in a Lenny Clark special with Rodney Dangerfield, he wore a badass Armani suit. And I'm like, oh, I got to wear a suit. I liked Lenny Clark. I did a Lenny Clark special with Rodney Dangerfield. He wore a badass Armani suit. And I'm like, oh, I got to get a suit. So I started wearing a suit. For two years, I bumped. Really? Took the suit off. You were good. You learn these little things.

They just don't buy you in a fucking suit, Joey. But you want to wear a suit. I bought you in a suit. You felt in a suit. It doesn't pan out. You're like, what the fuck? What was the other one? Was it Mizzy told you to do it in a diaper?

Yeah. You're not a sue guy. You're a diaper guy. She made me a regular and sat me next to her. She's like, I really like you, but I think you should dress up like Fidel and go on stage. And I'm like, oh, God.

That's at the end when she was kind of losing it. And she would say that to you to see if you would do it. And if you would do it, she wouldn't give you spots no more. Because you're a pussy. Yeah. You know, you're a pussy. Because you actually did what I told you to do. Right, right.

So. Yeah, because I know so many people. Fuck, I would do it in a heartbeat. I know. I'd do it in a heartbeat. It's fucked up because so many people are like, I'll just do whatever it takes. And it's like, no, no, no, that's not the right answer. Listen, I don't even like heartbeat. I know. I do it in a heartbeat. I'm fucked up because so many people are like, I'll just do whatever it takes. And it's like, no, no, no. That's not the right answer.

Listen, I don't even like fucking Halloween. Yeah. Like, I stop after like 10, you just put a towel around your neck and you're Superman. Yeah. That's it. I don't like any of that shit. Like, dressing up and stuff. I'm with you, man.

So, I mean, this is something I would imagine people have been telling you for years. You've got to write a book. Your life is so crazy. You need to write a book. I mean, I feel like your whole, I know what you do with Sickler where you're just kind of telling your life story and it feels like a fucking movie in its own right. And I know you've been in movies and shit, but you basically are a walking movie. So was there a reason why like now, like, did you feel like you were at a point where

it was like time to do it? It had been knocking on my door for like 10 years. All these agents torture me about books and shit. And I tried, and I couldn't put it together. And I started. I went on a roll. And I outlined it, and I would write little chapters. But I just couldn't do the hump, you know?

And when I got here, I had a new knee. I knew I was going to get a new knee. I'm going to be down for 90 fucking days in the winter. I might as well get this going. I went to a barbecue. I met Erica Florentine, which is Jimmy Florentine's niece. And we started talking on the phone every day. That's what it was.

It was a process on the phone. Sometimes we'd meet, and we'd just do it on the phone. And then she'd call me back, and we'd go over the whole chapter. And that's why I wanted people. Listen, for me, I wanted people. I'm so sick of people who are fucking lost. You know, I really am. I was lost.

But, like, I got sick and tired of people. Like, if I could kill somebody, for sure, it would be my guidance counselor. Because those cocksuckers never told you nothing. They never told me that I could come over to the city and take acting class. I didn't know. You heard that you had a bartender and somebody would come in and

make Bruce Willis a bartender and shit. But the point of this book was to let people know, no matter. I was in a fucking rocket ship, sleeping every night in a park. And I think about that every fucking day. Every day before I eat a fucking

sandwich, I think about that. And it keeps me grounded. It's really kept me grounded. But I wanted people to know that it's bullshit what they sell you. What they sell you as a kid is bullshit. You can do whatever the fuck you want. And I'm living fucking proof. You know how many times fuck you want. And I'm living fucking proof.

You know how many times I was on a movie set going Mr. Diaz, would you like some water? Oh my god, I have no idea. I would have robbed them two years ago. Well, you were on fucking It's Tremendous Life of Comedy Savage. Again, go buy it, go read it. It's unbelievable.

And there are so many times through reading it where I was like, I always talk about watching the movie Flight with Denzel. Good movie. Great movie. I watched it hungover on a Sunday. And the anxiety I was getting was like, just stop. Just stop doing drinking, right? And when you were on basketball and you were still stealing all the roadways.

Oh, my God. Dude, you don't need to do this anymore. You're on the movie. Stop fucking being a girl. And they kept saying, what's going on with the roller skates? And listen, any New Yorker, you know what I'm saying?

Like, any Brooklyn guy, Bronx guy, Queens guy, anybody from New York, it would have taken two weeks. I mean, it's in our blood. You know what I'm saying? You can only look at a fucking trailer filled with roller skates. How long? And they're not moving.

Nobody's using them. And I'm like, so one day I just wanted to play it against sports. Like, how much for these skates? They're like, we'll give you $1.40. I'll be back tomorrow. Every fucking day. I was in there, $1.40 plus tax. They even gave me the tax back.

No receipt. It was fucking priceless. By the time, like three weeks in, I went and looked at the truck. There was nothing left. There was like size 4 and size 18. Like fucking, what's his name? Fucking the guy from Philly. The center was going to be in the movie.

With these big ass roller skates. I cleaned everything out. In fact, the day I shot, I was going to be in the movie. With these big-ass roller skates, I cleaned everything out. In fact, the day I shot, I'm not on fucking roller skates. I was not. Watch that. I'm not on roller skates. I make believe. I'm Ralph Crandon and shit.

I didn't know you made believe. There was no size 11 roller skates. You understand me? I cleaned them all out. Nine, 10, 11, 12, 13. And then the guy started telling me, do you have any connections for Rollerblade? Because it was Rollerblade and I left.

He goes, you got to bring me some Rollerblades. I go, next movie. Next movie. Dude, that is the best. I mean, stories like that are just so priceless. And then the whole thing, like I was into it, right? Like, oh my God, this is my first chance. I'm going to be a good guy.

Three weeks of going in there, you're not shooting today. So I would just sit in a trailer, fucking eight hours, losing it. Idle hands, man. You get into it. Finally, I would look and see Jenny McCarthy boxing. She had, like, a little bag with a little trainer, and she'd wear these tight things and a pussy would sweat, and I would fucking lose my mind.

I'd be out there going, I wonder what her little asshole smells like right now after that little kickboxing workout, because that's the monkey in full effect right there. And then finally one night I went out, and I got fucked up. Cold, moods, whatever the fuck we were doing. And I went home and just closed my eyes next to my girlfriend,

and she goes, you want to ride for the movie? And we were shooting at the L.A. Coliseum. And I get home and just closed my eyes next to my girlfriend. She goes, you want to ride for the movie? And we were shooting at the L.A. Coliseum. And I get there, and as soon as I get there, like, you're shooting today. I'm like, what do you mean? Out of all the days. I was coming into sleep. You're fucking first up. And I was like, oh, I didn't know anything.

How did you get, like, how do you break into movies when you're, you know, I mean, a regular guy, you're kind of a hustler? How do you get your first look? I moved to L.A. and I never thought acting to me was so far away, especially after prison and shit. And it takes so much schmoozing and you've got to suck this guy's dick and shake this guy's hand and it doesn't seem like you're that kind of guy. No, but I went. I got an audition for NYPD Blue, and I had to go to the Bosco building. And it's, like, the eight-mile fucking walk, you know?

And on the way back, I'm furious, and I just happened to stop at a water fountain. And some lady comes out, and she goes, hey, are you here for the audition? I guess. Now I am. And she goes, know these lines. Read them in five minutes. Was it a guy who looked like you and talked like you? I had no fucking idea.

You didn't even know? I walked into NYPD Blue and sucked a bag of dicks. I didn't know what I was doing, guys. I had never acted. It was a 10-page audition. So I walked out of it like, I'm not going to get that. And all of a sudden, I'm walking through the building. Lady comes out, and she goes, you want to read for this movie? Yeah, whatever. And I went in, and I'm like, I'm not going to get that. And all of a sudden, I'm walking through the building. Lady comes out and she goes,

you want to read for this movie? Yeah, whatever. And I went in and I played. It was a ref. And I read the two lines. At the time, guys, I was living in a flop house in L.A. Those places were like rocky. They have a phone in the hallway and you pay like $40 a day and fucking all night long people knocking on your door, runaways and

shit. Like, what the fuck is this? I was staying there. That's the position I was in, guys. And all of a sudden, somebody goes, Joey Diaz, do you have a phone call? I'm like, what the fuck? Who's calling me on a pay phone? It was my manager. He goes, you got baseball.

They're going to pay you $5,500 a week. And I'm like, holy shit. What are you talking about? So that's like you hit the fucking line. Yeah, but I didn't even have the $1,200 for SAG. And they wouldn't pay it. So I had like a week to come up with $1,200. So I got to mug somebody.

I think you can figure that out. I called Doug Stanhope's agent, and he got them to waive the SAG. He paid for it. Really? And I got into it. And like I said, I never went out there with the intention of doing anything, guys. I can tell you that. I was just happy not to be a criminal.

Yeah. When I got to LA, I'm like, you know what? I'm here. You know how many times I pulled up to the comedy store and there'd be 10 cases of Jack Daniels? And I'd go, oh. Back in the day. But I couldn't. I couldn't shit there.

And I kept saying, and my plan was simple. If I fail in L.A., I'm going to go back and kill my ex-wife and husband. Then go to Jersey and let the cops come get me in Jersey. I don't give a fuck. Go to jail at home. Describe that as a simple plan. It probably would have been. What else was I going to do?

I wasn't going to go into plumbing. It was too late to go into masonry. You know, what was I going to do I wasn't going to go into plumbing it was too late to go into masonry you know what was I going to do I was already felon I couldn't even get an acupuncturist license what was I going to do so if I didn't do anything with comedy I'm just going to go kill my ex-wife

and then move to Jersey and sell coke and that was the plan people say that you need to cut the safety that and have no safety yeah have the safety net and have no safety net. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have the safety net be double murder. Fuck it.

It's a party. And I'm driving there and then driving out like Bundy. So wait, at this point for basketball, that's after all the kidnapping and the crazy shit all went down? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The kidnapping was 87. Yeah, that's a long time ago. Basketball was like 98. So by that point, like, did that not, that wasn't a problem for you?

Did people, like, look up your history and have an issue with it? No, that's the problem. They don't look up shit. You're walking on eggshells the whole time going, can we speak to you for a second? Yeah. I've had people tap me on the shoulder before. I'm like, hey, man, we did a background check. We got a problem.

Right, right. I was wondering that while reading the book. How do you think you'd fare as a criminal in modern times? Because there were so many times where you're like, and then I just moved. Yeah, you just change towns and you start over. Is it still like that? Granted, you went across the country. But there were times in Colorado where you went from Snowmass to Aspen.

But now, the phone and the technology, you can't get away with shit. Everywhere you go, you're still... I don't know what I'd do. Like, a credit card? I don't know. I'm sure you would... It's a different fucking world. That's the thing, though.

I'm sure you would have just applied what you knew to modern-day shit. You would have figured it out. You would have been scamming in a way on the internet instead of running numbers. You know what I mean? It's just a different time. I don't know what I'd do. The last three years, I've been sitting here going, what the fuck would I do right now in my life? Can I get a job at Costco?

What can I do? I'm not qualified to do shit except sell. We got asked this question yesterday. What would you do tomorrow if all this went away? And I was like, I'd sell cars maybe until I'm 65. I mean, you can talk. You can sell. Yeah. So that's what we could do.

But anything else, what can I do? I have no. Well, luckily, you don't have to worry about that, bro. Yeah, but you still. You've got it all now. But you still go Jesus Christ what if I can't believe I'm this worthless that's a crazy way to think

because you're so far from that but I see guys changing tires I see guys doing all like I'm worthless I can't do anything with my hands I can't fix a car can you imagine if we had to do construction get up at 6 and carry fucking wood and fucking I can't do anything with my hands. I can't fix a car. Can you imagine if we had to do construction? Right now.

Get up at 6 and carry fucking wood and fucking, hey, pick up garbage. And you're like, what the fuck? No way. I had a guy come to my apartment the other day asking where the radiator was. And I know where the radiator is. But I was like, I don't know, actually. It was like hidden behind a plant so I just don't see it often. But I felt like such a fucking pussy.

I can't tell this man where to do his work. But you know what? Those same guys would be like, I could never get on stage in front of 10,000 people and make a match. No, that's true too. So everybody's got what they're good at, you know? It's a win-win or win-loss, whatever the fuck you want to call it. When you were getting out of prison, what was your first move? I've always been so curious about when you are out and it's just like day one, go. What do you do literally day one?

It's scary. Yeah. Because he was saying, he's always said, I think I would do okay in prison hanging out with the boys. And you're on a schedule and everything's kind of taken care of. That first prison you were in in Colorado where you're like, he's in the mountains, there's like 12 guys. We'd tell us the guards went to get us for dinner.

Oh, my God. I was like, I'd fuck him. That sounds awesome. That sounded like my college dorm freshman year hanging out with the boys. That was Summit County Jail. Yeah. Summit County Jail. Yeah. Summit County Jail. And if you were there 30 days or longer in the winter, they took you skiing.

I was going to say, I was going to joke they gave you a lift pass. They took you skiing. You went skiing. So, like, I wouldn't even want to get out of that jail. Let's just stay here forever. The reason why I wanted to go to rifle as a camp was because they took you skiing. And in the summer, you were a lifeguard at the pool in town. Are you fucking kidding me?

You're watching kids? At Camp George West, they let you out for 20 minutes a day to go to the 7-Eleven and go shopping. So you had to make, and it was golden, so you're close to Coors. Yeah. So you can't really drink or nothing, but I'd rather take the 20 minutes out and just walk out of there. And then I got them. I used to drive them crazy because I figured out you call the Chinese place

and tell them to have your order ready. And I'd walk back into prison with a spare rib and they'd go, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Awesome, baby. You know, and the camp, like where I went, there were some fucking sick people at this camp because they were finishing their long sentences.

And you had a lot of federal people in there. But I met one gangster. And that's all I needed from the Bronx. One fucking guy. And he was a big fat guy, Italian guy, and he cooked. He made his living in there by cooking. Nachos and just sandwiches, everything. And then when he found out that I could bring him shit,

I would bring him Haagen-Dazs ice cream and he would make fucking cannolis, like jailhouse cannolis. It was fucking crazy. It was insane. And at that time, AIDS was new. So they had built a new AIDS wing that was fucking state of the art. There was ten beds, but only three guys in there. And they had like a big screen TV, a refrigerator, their own kitchen.

We'd go in there and fucking party with the AIDS guys. Fuck it. Where's those three AIDS motherfuckers? Let's watch some sports here today, Jack. And we would have fun. And then we'd watch America's Most Wanted. That was our shit on Saturday.

Sunday night's Peg Bundy and then America's Most Wanted. We went off on America's Most Wanted. I saw a tweet there. It sounds so awesome. Every time I talk to someone who's in prison, I'm like, I fucking love prison. We had Wallow and Gilly from Philly, and Wallow was, I was like, the one thing I didn't want to be,

I don't want to be a white supremacist. And he's like, you'd be fine. They don't make you be a white supremacist. That's just in the movies. I was like, then I'm good. Then I think I'd be all right. You know, you find the niche in there, and to be honest with you,

I got around perfect in that. I was good friends with the Crips. I was good friends with the Bloodss because they both worked in the kitchen. Everybody loves food, man. And I would torture them in the kitchen. So I had that. Like, I could get away with that. The bikers were okay.

The white supremacists were okay. The bikers, they were a little stupid. There was one guy who had to fucking bang his head off a wall one day. That's the kid I talked about in the book. I took a shit in a box. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put it in an American cheese box, and I put it in his drawer with a little American flag.

And he would call people in, does my room smell like shit? Because we all worked in the kitchen. And I hated this guy. He got long hair. And one day he found a box of shit. I took like an 18-inch. By the time he found it, it looked like a little chihuahua shit. And he's like, I'm going to figure out who fucking shit my dick.

That is. That is. He saw a little one. It didn't come from Joey. Joey didn't take the shit. You immediately had an alibi. Joey didn't take the shit. Oh, my God.

That can't be me. Have you had, you changed names and details a little bit, but has anybody hit you up and been like, oh, that was you, or like, oh, that story was us or whatever? Nobody's hit me fucking up like that. I was really surprised at that because I gave a lot of people in there my address, except the mailman who threatened me. He was like, if you're not into comedy by the time I get out of here,

I'm going to come out and kill you. I don't know where the fuck that motherfucker ended up. He went back to Buffalo or something. But it really, it slowed me down. It was completely opposite of what I thought. But to get back to your question, like the first few days when you get out, you're happy.

But then your mind plays tricks on you. Because you start thinking when you go to the supermarket, all these people know. I just got out of prison. All these people know I got out of a camp, or all these people read the newspaper article. So you start getting this little... And then that goes away. But I

hit the floor running. I got to the halfway house on a Tuesday. By Wednesday, I had my first eight ball. I was back in business, Chuck. You know, all that Bible reading and counseling there, that Bible goes out the fucking window. Get the fuck out of here. Every time I see those Bible beaters in prison, I'm like,

on the way out you'll see the Bible go up in the air. You see that now. Yeah, they do that shit now. It's like, fuck you. So, this, this era, you know, it's, we've talked about it to death

with the cancel culture and PC culture and all that shit. And a lot of people will get, you know, fucked over, lose deals,

lose careers, whatever, for something as simple as a tweet. Just words you say, right? And, and then there's

someone like you who like, you, you, you know, admittedly committed crime. You did some bad shit. And I guess, do you think that it's just that you owned up to it, you did your time,

and now you, you know, you own it and you're different? That people don't seem to care. People like you. You ever see Mike Tyson in person? Mike Tyson in what? You ever see Mike Tyson in person? In a public event. They forgot about the rape.

Yeah, big time. Women are hugging him, kids are kissing him. Yeah, he's in the movies. White people are hugging him and shit. Yeah, I mean, America's got two types of people. They got this new woke culture who they want to pick on you for you calling the teacher a fat cunt in the eighth grade 30 years ago it's got nothing to do with them and then you have the culture of people like myself that i don't care what you do to me if you come up to me like a man and apologize from your heart

you're done we're good yeah we're good and there's some people who refuse to have that so as a human being i was not uh a productive member of society. Although 20 years ago, I became that. So I tell you what, whatever you think, whatever you want to do, last I checked, you ain't God and you ain't no fucking judge, bitch. When you go to law school, come out, do your attorney shit, and become a judge for 20 years in the Supreme Court, then you can decide what happens to me.

Until then, you're not going to fucking decide. You're not going to decide. You have to fight. These guys, a lot of these guys got canceled, and they've given up. Yeah, I think you only get as canceled as you allow them to. They came for you when you were telling the story on Rogan's podcast. And, like, did they, like And how long did that even last?

Did they just give up when you just didn't allow it to happen? Four days. And the best is, I'm not going to drop no names, the people who started that, the two female comedians, called Bill Burr and asked him. You can ask Bill Burr next time you see him. Tell Joey, the war's over. We can't take this no more.

Really? Because the church people were fucking crazy, and they went at those bitches. They kept going at those motherfuckers. Hard. The war's over. Listen, my mob is bigger than your mob, so we can do this. And, you know, these Gentile mobs that these girls showed up with,

everything's cute. Yeah, that don't work in the real world. That these girls showed up with, everything's cute. Yeah. That don't work in the real world. That works for a little while on people who let it work. Four days. You follow me? Four days. Four fucking days until I sent them the video of fucking the three-legged woman.

The two-legged woman. Hey, you didn't like that story? Take this, motherfucker. You ain't canceling me. I did my time. Right. You're not canceling me. I did my time. Yeah. You have no danger. You're in no danger of canceling me. I did my time. You're not canceling me. I did my time.

You have no danger. You're in no danger of canceling me. Not you. The people who have never gone through something as serious as that get afraid and nervous. I'm going to lose my followers. I'm going to lose my spot at the club, whatever. You're going to do a lot more than that sort of shit. You're not going to lose nothing

if you stick up for yourself. The last thing I heard growing up was you got to stick up for yourself. That's it. We're New Yorkers. I'm a New Yorker. You stick up for yourself. You talk for yourself. God gave you a mouth. You tell these motherfuckers. Listen, I did it. Whatever.

She was kind of cute. Some girl came at me from 20 years ago. Oh, we were doing... No, this is what she said. She goes, what about the time we were in the bathroom together? And she put it on Twitter like, and I just hit her with, yeah, the time you pulled me in to snort my coke. That was the end of it.

You know, they were all looking. The pandemic made these people sit at home and go, oh my God, in 1982 Kevin called me a spank. Come on. Come on. Come on. You're fucking killing me, man.

So you can't allow that. We can't allow that. I do think you're right when you say, too, like, you know, you're a New Yorker or your upbringing, like... We're fucking New Yorkers, bro. When your mom is sacrificing animals for Mets games... You're fucking a New Yorker. When you're beating up nuns and she comes down and stomps out the nun with you.

I don't think a lot of people understand that sort of... Just yesterday I called my mom on the phone. Because my producer heard a story about how... We're from City Island in the Bronx. And how she punched some dude in the face over the Mets at a City Island bar. And I said, if you ever wonder why I am the way I am, here you fucking go. And the cops wouldn't come.

And when they did come, they'd go, really? That's why we're here? Put away the beer and knock it the fuck off. And that's what happened. That's what happened over the years. We made little things over nothing. And that's what the problem with people are We made little things over nothing. You know?

And that's what the problem with people are today. And they feed into this. They really do feed into this shit. So you just got to tell them, go fuck yourself. And if you don't like it, I'll perform for one person and start all over again. I was going to say, for someone like you, it's got to be like, there's nothing you can do. Don't even bother. I slept on a playground.

What are you going to do to me? Nothing you can do. You're going to send me some tweets? I found my mother on the fucking floor. There were so many fucking things, and you want to come at me because in 1997, you sucked dick to get spots at the comedy store, and everybody knew it.

I got to feel bad for you. I'll fucking take a survey. Give me 100 guys in the room who will turn down a fucking blowjob. Nobody, okay? In front of people and your mother, I don't like blowjobs. I'm a trans. Whatever the fuck you are, it's not going to fly.

We all love blowjobs, okay? We all love our dick sucked. That's what it means to be a fucking man. So if somebody comes up to you and goes, hey, I want a job at Barstool as a janitor if I suck your dick, you're a janitor. You know what I'm saying? How do you think Sparky got the AC gig?

Yeah. You know, it's you're trying to fucking rewrite something that, you know, I moved out of LA for the simple reason I have a 10-year-old daughter. And I saw those women out there. And I saw the Bikram Yoga documentary on Netflix.

And I saw all those things. And I was seeing how the women I was dealing with, and I'm like, this is not happening. This is not happening. My daughter is not growing up here. I don't care if we move to Jersey and she becomes a fucking stripper. It's better than this shit. Last night

I watched the first episode of the Jesse Smollett documentary. And you look at that and you go, what possesses somebody to do that? That town. That stupid fucking town. You're going to fake a hate crime so you don't get fired?

So you can continue your little charade in Hollywood? How much time did you spend out there? 23 fucking years. So you guys got to remember, the kind of guy I am and to be out there, it got old, man. It got fucking old.

We spend like a week at a time every other year there. And the anxiety I was getting from listening to those fucking jerk-off fucks, I come from a no chit chat society. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We don't chit chat too much. You know, we don't chit chat too much. I did chit chat. These motherfuckers love to chit chat. And the phoniness, you know, all that shit.

We're not friends. We don't have to pretend. my phone rings eight times a day now. And I'm the happiest I've ever been because I eliminated 200 calls that meant nothing. I was going to say eight sounds like a lot to me, man. That's all I can handle. Three of them is my wife. What do you want for dinner?

What do you want for lunch? That's what I can't handle. I couldn't handle that stupidity anymore. I got rid of my agent when I got here. That fucking douchebag. I got rid of my agent when I got here, that fucking douchebag. I got rid of all those motherfuckers and started from scratch. I don't need this shit.

I wanted my daughter to have, I wanted her to be a Jersey girl, an East Coast girl, to learn how to stick up for herself, to learn how to tell a motherfucker, are you fucking retarded? Get the fuck out of here with your script or your fucking yoga.

What the fuck is wrong with you? The fuck? Did you see that documentary? Watch that documentary. Some guy with hummus-tasting dick. Some hummus dick up there with a little cup with a fucking ponytail and 300 women doing yoga, and he's like fucking call him fat and suck his dick. And they're like oh he touches

me inside are you fucking retarded did somebody hit you in the head as a kid are you fucking serious are you putting me the fuck on to make me shoot myself in the head that fucking yoga with that hummus foot

and that fucking smell. Dude, you, I'm glad, I was going to broach the topic eventually, but I'm glad you did. You said dick. You talk about how you used to hide, like, chlorine and shit. Oh, my dick. Yeah, when I was in the halfway house. Fuck yeah. Is that me? I had to try. Yeah, when I was in the halfway house. Fuck yeah. Is that me? I had to try.

No, I couldn't beat the drug test. Everybody kept saying, you drink Serto, you drink this other shit, cranberry juice. I tried everything. And it kept coming up hot. So I said, fuck it, we got to take extreme measures. So I started drinking white vinegar with a bottle of fucking Gatorade every Monday.

That didn't work. So I finally said, fuck this shit. And I'm uncircumcised, so I would crush pool cleaner and put it on my fucking dick. And then I would put like a rubber band at the end and shit. Come on, dog. You know Uncle Joey's a professional. Come on, dog.

Come on, dog. Put a rubber band in that motherfucker. And as soon as I went in there, I pulled the skin back, the chlorine fell in the cup, and it would start rattling. One time I put Drano in that motherfucker. I still got Drano scars on my dick, guys. You said that. You were like, it's still scarred.

I still got Drano scars on my dick. But at that point, it became a game for me to fuck with them. Yeah. Because they couldn't figure out what to do. And that's how we came to the one-legged story. She was a probation officer. They finally said, you got to go on that with him. And I would whack off in the car a little bit and get my dick half hard and then sprinkle it and then cover it and then go in.

I'd show him my dick. What do you think about this cannon? I don't even want to look, Joey. They had a mirror in front of me. They couldn't figure it out. And a guy before me had the whole contraption, the hot water bottle. Yeah, it goes down your tube. And the hot water bottle broke while he was testing.

The motherfucking lid fell off. He's like, ah! So I wasn't doing the hot water trick. Because they were going to throw me back in jail if I came up with a hot. So I'm like, I'm not fucking around with you motherfuckers. So I put chlorine, Drano on my dick. I did everything. That probation officer came to my house maybe 12 times that year.

You know how many times I opened the door? He would call the sheriff's office. We're waiting out here for you two hours. After two hours, they would leave. I'd come down off the coke and look outside. All right. It was. And then I didn't see her.

They kicked me off. I was working on a car wash, and I met a DA, and I told him, you've got to get me off probation. He goes, send me a motion. So I didn't see her anymore. And two years, now three years later, I'm into comedy, and I'm delivering Chinese food, selling Coke. At the same time, I'm delivering Chinese, selling Coke.

You know, I would get so many calls at the restaurant that they would go, how come everybody call for you? Nobody called delivery no more. So I told everybody, you got to order an egg roll. You got to order something, guys. You can't just call the Chinese restaurant. Fuck! They're getting calls all night.

Fried rice, come on. No spare rib, no spare rib. What's up with Joey? So I went to deliver her food. I didn't even know it was her, to be honest with you. She knocked on the door. I knocked on the rib. One for Joey. So I went to deliver her food. I didn't even know it was her, to be honest with you. She knocked on the door. I knocked on the door. She opened it.

I'm like, who the fuck is this? And she was like, oh, my God, it's so great to see you. And she was always hot, but she had a bum leg. Like her leg, she had like a little jiggly leg, you know. So nobody fucking hit on her because of the jiggly leg. But while I'm there, she's looking at me and I'm talking to her. We always kind of like messed around. I showed her my dick like ten times, you know.

I heard her already. I had her already in a psychological effect. Nobody would give a dick. So we're there. We started swapping spit. I'm feeling her pussy and it felt like a fucking oven. And I finally, I pulled the pants off, but I didn't want to pull the it felt like a fucking oven. And I finally pulled the pants off, but I didn't want to pull the pants off with the bum leg.

You left it on the leg. Because I didn't want to know if she got shot in Vietnam or not. I just wanted to eat a monkey in peace. I'm going to take a piss. Is it okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are we on? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't even fucking know. I didn't even fucking know. I didn't even fucking know. I thought we'd been hanging out here talking shit for an hour. We're going for 45 minutes, Joey. I don't know nothing. You want a bathroom? No. Fuck it.

Fuck it now. I thought we were just talking shit. You guys didn't even give me the mic or nothing. I feel bad. We're good. We're good. We're good. We got it going. That is so fucking funny.

That pretty much sums you up right there, I feel like. What's that? Like, you just, I don't even think it's, of course, you know, it's work and you're trying, but it just comes naturally to you. This whole comedy and shooting the shit and talking is just like who you are. I love it. Yeah. I mean, podcasting must have been a great fucking revolution,

revelation for you because, I mean, you're born for that sort of shit. Believe it or not, I was waiting for podcasting. I didn't know how I was going to show its ugly head because I was what made it. My life without my comedy career, without telling telling these stories made me a mediocre comic. I always knew I would watch HBO boxing. How many times do you watch a box and you're like, look at this fucking dude. I don't like this motherfucker. But then he's married, he's got three kids.

His mother lives with him. You know, he's a fucking him. Now you get to learn more about the guy. And you're like, wow. Maybe I'll watch him now. I always knew if I could tell my story that that would be it. That's a great point. That's also the problem with the new world.

Nobody takes a second to learn anything about anybody other than read one tweet or hear one story. Because everybody's got their shit that they're dealing with or a reason why something went wrong or the reason why they did something bad or whatever, but nobody takes the time or cares.

You can learn one thing and be like, I don't like them. The second thing, no matter what it is, you're like, oh, they're human. Yeah, right. And they made mistakes. And they said shit. Now I know why they said that shit. Now I know what they were protecting. Now I know why they said that shit. Now I know what they were protecting. Now I know why they spoke like that.

Why I know what you do. It makes it a lot easier. If I told you a story about kidnapping, we would laugh, and then you'd walk out of here and go, If I told you any of these stories individually on the first or second meeting, you would leave and go, I don't know about that fucking guy. But if you read that beginning, if you read that beginning, Harlem and all that shit, you know, I was like a confused kid.

I went up to 148th Street. Those Irish motherfuckers were not confused. Those Puerto Rican and Irish kids and black kids were not confused on 148th Street. Their parents were poor, but they didn't cry. They were out there hustling every day, shoveling snow, breaking windows, because they were shaking down. They were eight and nine.

I was surprised to read that you said you were like, growing up, you were very sickly. Sickly. Sickly. After my father died. It's funny. My neighbor, Joey, little kid, he's seven. And he came to the game Saturday. His mother said he had strep throat and his temperature.

And she goes, we just had this problem three weeks ago. And I'm like, man, that sounds like me. Sounds familiar. Because I would have thought from Jump Street you were like the tough kid on the block. No, man. After my dad died, that took a lot. That takes a lot out of you. You gloss over on page one.

You said you and your mom made it out of Cuba, but your sister didn't? My sister didn't. That was just like a sentence. That right there is going to give, you know, you went through a lot of shit as a young kid. My sister died a year ago. Oh, sorry. In Cuba. Shit.

I got the call while I was doing a podcast that she had died. I got the call like two weeks earlier that she was sick and that they didn't think she was going to make it, but they called and she died. I never saw her again after Cuba in 1966. No way. And that's my mother's backstory. That's what killed her.

Yeah. Because she was miss fucking Met every day, smoking dope and drinking at the bar. But two in the morning morning it came back to your daughter when you're out yeah and you're partying you forget about your kids and all your problems it's when you walk in that door at midnight and you're like now the four walls creep up on you so eventually it just got to her and got to her she lost the bar you know and i saw somebody die right in front of my eyes,

but it wasn't immediately. Looking back, it's a small process. It was a process. Like, I saw it. So now if I catch that again, I'll intervene now. It's everything. Like, I just saw her spirit break, you know. So I got to learn a lot from that.

So even that, my mother's story, when you read about her, you're like, this bitch caused a lot of problems. But she also put two kids through college, her grandsons. And I didn't go to fucking college on my mother's nickel. But her goddaughter, both her goddaughters went to college. My mom did a lot of good

things. And she raised me the best that she could, considering she lived with nine brothers and sisters in a fucking hut in Cuba. And at night, they would get attacked by cicalia bugs. They couldn't sleep with the lights. I mean, it was just horrible. And then my mother's sister got raped.

And she fucking stabbed the guy and fucking killed him. So she had to come here. So all those little stories got to me. And at one point, all my drug addictness and all my stupidity, I'm like, you know, man, my mother didn't come here for me to be a fucking jerk off. This has to stop. This behavior has to stop. My mother's plans for me were to pay back the United States for accepting us. It meant me, my mother was like, you're going to the army. And then you're going to law school. And then you're going back into the Army. And you're going to stay there for 20 years.

I would sit there and listen to her plan. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck she's thinking. Army's shooting people, Vietnam. That ain't for me. But in her heart, she was like, this is what we do. They opened up a life to me with no questions. And she came here and prospered with those fucking bars. So she's going to sacrifice me to the government.

She was a Kennedy fan. She refused to go to a Met game if she couldn't go and hear the national anthem. People don't even give a fuck about the national anthem anymore. My mom beat me if I spoke Spanish on the street because we were in America. We were in fucking America. Now you walk on Broadway, people are speaking languages from all over the world. They don't even give a fuck about your feelings or who the fuck you are.

When I was growing up one time, a fucking teacher at my grammar school threw two kids off for talking Spanish on the bus. We all were going to fucking kill them and shit. When I got home, I told my mom. My mom was like, no, you're not. He was right.

This is America. They gave us the opportunity to come here. The least you could do is learn the fucking language. You know, this morning I was going to put a, I saw a sweatshirt I was going to wear, Roberto Clemente. And I would look at that guy, and I'm a big fan of his because that guy was super Puerto Rican. But in 1960, he already knew how to speak. Watch his videos. Watch when he went in front of cameras,

always with a suit on, a fucking tie. Roberto Clemente was a savage. And my mother loved him. I still remember when that plane went down. Crazy. That was the worst year of my life. That was Clemente, Bruce Lee. Think of all the people that fucking went that year.

What year was that? 73. And Clemente died on New Year's. So you woke up New Year's Day. You're a baseball fan. You just saw this motherfucker at Shea Stadium hit, break 300 hits, off fucking John Matlack or one of those humps. Except my Tom Seaver.

Don't be bad mouthed. My fucking Tom Seaver. That guy, he was unbelievable. So it was a different world. It was a different set of priorities. And that came back to me. That started coming back to me when I got locked up because it was the first time I had peace

since my mother died. It was the first time I wasn't involved in craziness. I had to sit in a room for six or seven hours. And I started thinking about all that shit. And that's when, listen, when I got into comedy, it wasn't to be a star. Look at my face. I'm in no danger. Oh, you're crazy.

But I just didn't want to be a criminal no more. I just got sick and tired of doing it. And then I got caught up with the drugs because you have this pain that you have to fucking deal with. And that's the only... It's no excuse. I did drugs. I was a piece of shit. I shouldn't have had the pain. I should have gotten it taken care of. But you go through all these things. And I had to deal with them.

By the way, listen. I know you say it's not an excuse, but like, again, the first page is your aunt being raped and your mom killing the guy with the bottle and your sister being left behind and your father dying. Like, it's not an excuse, but there's reasons why people fall into the holes they're in. And you had a decent amount of shit go on that, like, you can understand why somebody

ends up addicted or, you know, committing crimes or whatever it is. You know, I've done, I've lurked into this because this is this because my behavior really bothered me for a long time. It really did. The thing that saved me is I had A1 people in my corner. You don't come out like this unless you've got A1 motherfuckers around you in your ear. After what they did for me as a child growing up, the people from North Bergen, I felt like I owed it to them. Like, I did a documentary

when we started the church, and I went to my teacher's house, Mr. Barone. This motherfucker's in the Hall of Fame for basketball. Still, from 1960, he shot the most free throws in a row in college at Holy Cross or something. This guy really inspired me like nobody ever did, you know.

What we talking about? Was Mr. Barone the teacher who got you clean? That was Mr. Terranova. Mr. Barone was just a teacher that I went to war with. I stole his keys the first day of school and threw them in the garbage. And we hated each other. And then I found out

he was a tremendous basketball player. So I wanted to do good for him. I wanted to do good for these people that always had my back no matter what. When I came to do a documentary, I heard Mr. Barone go, he did what he did, but he ain't done yet. And I was like, that's crazy, because I was done. I'm like, I'm ready to come home with podcasts. Go kill my wife.

Yeah, that's it. Let's go kill my wife. One last thing. So, you know, it's just weird where your mind goes, but I lurked into this, and it's the truth, and you can look it up. When a child suffers a traumatic something, a traumatic experience, they regress.

They don't grow until it all comes to them, you know. They set back. I was never a thief growing up. Yeah, we robbed a piece of gum from the supermarket, your shop looked at a comic book, something like that. But thieves, you know, that was against everything I fucking believed. And here I was. Here I was, walking past houses,

thinking there was a fucking kilo of coke in there because I saw the old lady with a bag. What the fuck, you know? So I went through all that shit, and yeah. Did you do, like, therapy and shit, or you just did it on your own? No. You just worked through it yourself? I tell you what, man.

When you're done with drugs, you're done with drugs. You can go to 18 fucking rehabs. You got to hit something that just, and it's going to be the weirdest thing that's going to make you flip. The weirdest thing. Something, for me, it was my girlfriend. Now she's my wife. But at the time, she's from Tennessee.

She's sweet. I made her smoke hash at the wedding. Beside that, she don't do any of that shit. She doesn't even know my world. But guess what? She accepted it. She knows that's what makes me dick. I didn't want to find her on the floor.

I didn't want her to find me on the floor. There was a couple reasons I didn't want to go out with Coke. I didn't want her finding me on the floor. And I didn't want people going back to Joe Rogan going, we told you. We told you so. With that belief that he had in me, I couldn't. I couldn't. I had all these people that trusted me and here I am dicking around and shit

and Joe you just met through the comedy store in the back talking shit called him I want to go to news radio yeah you just woken down that would be they were scared of me who's that guy with the leather jacket Yeah. And all that. Yeah. That fucking, you just wolfing down a bunch of shrimp. Who the fuck is this guy?

They were scared of me. They were like, who's that guy with the leather jacket? I'm not. I'm talking about those big fucking. Big boys. They're over there eating salads and shit. What the fuck is that? Who eats fucking salad?

You know you're in a class you join when you go show up. I'm from New York City. You got salad and a shrimp. What are we doing? We're going to pick that shrimp and put it in our pocket and take it home for our uncle. We don't give a fuck. When I did Spider-Man 2, I tell people a story all the time.

On Fridays, they would have lobster tails right by my fucking door. And I would sit there and I would eat like three. Sell them at the rollerblades. I would eat like three lobster tails. And after a while, there'd be 20 on there, and these fucking Gentiles are eating. We love the tofu salad. I'm from fucking Jersey.

Salad, lobster. We're going with the fucking lobster. I don't even need butter. I'll eat the shell. We're from Jersey. We'll eat the fucking shell, man. Was Spider-Man the movie where they had the meeting beforehand where they were like, Joe, we know you have a good time?

And you were like, I thought no one knew. No, no, no. That was a movie called Boilermaker that I did the table read for with the father from The Fighter. He lived in my neighborhood, that crazy fuck Jack. And he said, do you want to do this table read? I did it. And then a year later, they contacted me.

They're like, we got the movie, but it's low budget. And they go, can we come in to go over the script? And that's when they said that to me. And you thought you were, like, keeping it a good secret? I knew people knew, but I didn't know that it was becoming a problem. Right. And I just was like, okay, I'm going to do it, the movie. I'll do the three weeks clean because it was a 21-day shoot in a row.

No days off. So they're like, if you, and it was a room like this. And we're all at an AA meeting. So if you miss, it's not like they shoot the other side of the room. The camera was there. So they're like, you got to show up every day. And at the same time, like, my cat got sick. One of my cats died.

And there was another cat in the house that my wife brought up to help him live. And she was going to put him back in the yard because there was like 2,000 fucking kittens back there. And I didn't like this particular cat that she brought up. Super bad. I named him Super Bad in the yard. I'm like, this motherfucker, I'm going to kill this fucking Super Bad. Because I had a Siamese already picked out, like a gangster, with the fucking eyes and shit.

And that's who my wife brought up that night. She brought up the cat that I really loved that I was going to bring up. He had anemia and super bad. Their legs had swollen. They were ready to fucking die. And I kept going to the bathroom to pee and do a bump of coke. And I was watching both of them dying in front of my eyes, and I got on my hands and knees.

I pet them. I didn't like super bad, so I didn't fuck with super bad. I'm like, die, motherfucker. You could die. And I went to bed, and my wife woke me up in the middle of the night. She goes, DJ died, and I just closed the door. I was coming down off coke. It was just middle of the night. She goes, DJ died. And I just closed the door. You know, I was coming down off Cogue. It was just another miserable fucking night in my world.

But something went off, and I go, you know what? This cat's not dying in my house. This super bad is not dying in my house. And I got up. My wife was doing something in the kitchen at the time. She was my girlfriend. And I got on my hands and knees, and I go, God, I'm fucking, I know you don't want to hear from me.

I know it's been a while, but if you save this motherfucker, I'll never do coke again. And I could feel my Pinocchio nose just growing as I said it. I'm like, ooh. I'm like, oh, this is such a bullshit story. But I started petting him, you know, and he was purring. I brought him oatmeal

cookies, and he was purring and purring. And something, I go, I just can't do coke. And it was three days, six days, seven days, and I got on that set. And it was 12-hour days, so honest to God, when I got home that night, I was tired. And some nights, I would take

a sleeping pill, just so I'd have to deal with the anxiety from not doing coke. Because quarter to eight every night, no matter what I was doing, quarter to eight, I would get those cramps in my stomach. And I would black out on the way to the ATM machine. Like I would cut people off. I wouldn't give a fuck. Until I had that coke in my hand, I was a mess. Once I had that coke in my hand, I didn't do it right away.

I put it in my cocaine pocket. And then I did my comedy, my comedy store. You had it. As long as I knew I had it, I'm good. And once I do my last set, then I could snort some fucking Coke. So when that fucking cat lived, I stopped doing Coke, and I'm like... So that was it? That was it. No relapse?

No relapse, nothing. That was no relapse. No relapse. Nothing. Four days later, I went and I bought a gram of coke and I went up to the comedy store because a friend of mine died and there was a wake for her, like a gathering, not awake. And I had some incident happen up there and I got so hot that I gave the coke away and

I just went home and I'm like, wow, for me to give coke away. Holy fuck. Joey Diaz did not give coke away. And I just went home, and I'm like, wow, for me to give coke away? Holy fuck! Joey Diaz did not give coke away. No! Like, I was at home going, I don't know if I should have gave it away. Maybe I should call him up.

I need this. Yeah. And then it just turned into 30 days. And I'm like, why go back? And then it was 60 days. Then it was 90 days. I didn't tell nobody. I didn't tell Rogan.

I didn't tell anybody. I didn't tell anybody for about six months. Were you doing heroin at the time? I had done some heroin that summer. Just little lines. No shooting or smoking. Was that a joke or did you write it in a dress or was it a serious article, a letter you sent to 60 Minutes where you're like, hey. I was that close to writing

60... That's my show, by the way. I was that close to writing 60 Minutes a letter informing them that I had found the cure on how to get off cocaine. It was by doing heroin once a week. If you do heroin on Monday morning,

you won't touch cocaine all week. Dude, I was like, I can't tell if this is a joke because also it makes sense. Guys, when you're out there, you're out there. At least I caught it now. I'm a big man who admitted now. Most people would say, well, we won't put that in the book. But I was to that point in my life

that I was like, I'm on to something. I can see the logic because I quit dip. I quit chewing tobacco because I had like one month where I was partying hard and every morning I'd wake up so hungover and I was like, ah, my mouth is too dry. I don't want to dip. And after a full month, I was like, I guess I don't want to dip anymore.

So the cure to stop the dip is to just drink every day all day. Whatever gets you there. Whatever fucking gets you there. Am I illogical or does this make a lot of fucking sense? Whatever gets you there. You know, whatever gets you there. Well, I mean, I'm happy it all worked out because now I feel like you've probably done more good for people who are. I think it's important for people to hear advice or stories from someone who is real.

You know what I mean? You can go to therapy. You can talk to doctors and specialists and experts. And I'm sure they know their shit and they have good advice. And they might even be telling you the right thing. But when it's coming from someone who is like, what do you know about this? You didn't live inside of the playground. didn't you know you didn't go to jail for this and that you didn't you weren't you know all that shit so when and then you see like

you can because i'm sure the hardest thing for people is like i cannot imagine me getting off this drug or getting this job or getting out of this hole and being anything let alone being now a fucking superstar comedian and a published author and a podcast host and an actor and all this shit. Like, you went from, you did both extremes, brother. Both extremes of life. You know, I want people to, listen,

you could tell your son or your daughter not to do this and that. We lose all the time. We're going to lose to the influencers and Snoop Dogg and whatever the fuck else, you know. And you can't blame them. They're young, they're naive, they're stupid. And then they catch on, you know, they catch on and then you move on. You know, that's what you pray for. You move on. With me, it was like, yeah, I lived in a house where I saw

drugs. So I had already a premonition that I'm going to smoke pot. That's already established. I don't like booze, right, even though my mom had a bar. I fucking hate booze. You don't drink at all? I hate what people look like when they drink. It drives me fucking crazy. And then Coke I thought I'd never do.

My first three years of smoking pot, nobody knew. I was that much of a Catholic nerd that nobody knew. I had Visine, cologne. I would make sure my mom wasn't going to be around for 10 hours because I did not want to get confronted by her for reefer. And I knew she smoked, but something about it, just, I couldn't have my mom know I smoke, you know, and she didn't know. And when she died, she didn't know. I didn't want people just I couldn't have my mom know I smoke. She didn't know. When she died, she didn't know. I didn't want people.

I didn't want to fucking do coke. The first time I put a line in my nose, I was done. And it was a week before my mother died. A week before my mother died, we played hooky. We robbed a beer truck. We got a case of the courts. The little beers, you could freeze. But courts, you got to put them in a tub with ice and shit.

And we were making, like, vodka and peppermint schnapps, and we were sprinkling the Coke on top. Again, who does this shit? Stupid people do this shit. Nancy Margarita, right? Garnish the rim with a little cocaine. In 1979, we're already making, and we put them in the freezer like idiots.

Like, guys, come on. That does nothing to you. You know what I'm saying? But then we are drinking and then finally we go, we got to do a line. And I did a line and I think I didn't fucking

say anything for a year. Like, I was like, oh, I crossed a fucking personal line. I think that Artie Lang said that too. The first time he did heroin. He was like alone

in the hotel room and he went, this is gonna be a problem. You cross a personal line. Now you know. Now you're in. Now you're in. And then you chase your whole life trying to get back. But for me, it was listen, I saw all these people going to rehab. I'll tell you what really got me going when I saw the movie Ray.

At the end, they were like he got off of heroin at like 60. I'm like, I'm 44. I can't keep doing this until I'm 60 to finally one day. I got sick of it. That's what it was. I got sick of that lifestyle. I had so many people in my corner that wanted the best for me.

Like I said, I did not want my wife to pick me up. And when I quit coke, I was getting to the point already where I was getting electric shocks in my neck at night. Like whenever I would get coked up, I would just, my neck would start buckling. So I was right there. And I was laughing. I got to tell you this story. I used to go to acupuncture. I still do. 17 years later, I still go to acupuncture. I go for just general health now. But when I first started going, it was for my weight and my addiction. And she would put two things in my ears to go and they would weight and my addiction. And she would put two things in my ears to go,

and they would help with my addiction. And she'd say, whenever you feel like snorting, rub them. Let me tell you something. I would rub them all day. Ears are bleeding. And then at night, I would snort Coke just to blow them out of my ears. I couldn't wait until I heard, dick. So every Tuesday, I went to acupuncture,

but I always got a gram of Coke that night to test the acupuncture needles in my ears. So I would snort until they popped out. Even the muscle would go, enough. And it would just hit the floor. So it was just time. Listen, you can't put... It was just time to stop.

But it was everything telling me, like, it's time to stop. And now you now have your own, like, strand of weed and all that? Yeah. That's, I mean, you. Stu Vino hooked us up with something. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit.

That sent me. Yo, your weed is too strong. I brought you some too. Pop second. This shit is. You guys smoke too? Yeah. Bro, I mean, yeah, this is the...

Here we go. A little raspberry. Dude, it is... Thank you, Joey. And I like this. This is the little cross. Check this out. This is when you really want to lose your mind, dude.

You fucking take this out, right? You put these little glasses on. To remind you, it's a lot of fun to just be a fucking loser. Just have it several times. And you fucking open this up, and here you are. The power of Christ. I'm telling you. Motherfucker.

You're Irish, right? That's my boy. You know what? My favorite. I don't like how you didn't ask me. I think that means the nose. You're Irish too? Oh, you got it.

Damn it. I know this nose is going to get me. Bro, let me tell you, out of all your stories, the craziest ones and the wildest ones, my favorite story about you is when Ari dosed Burt Kreischer. Oh, my God. And he called you up and was like, I've never done this before. I'm afraid.

I don't know what to do. And you just showed up and you took some molly with him and you were like, we're going to ride this out together. That is the best fucking friend I've ever had in my life. What are you going to do? And he accused him of ghosting him and shit. That's just fucking, like,

that's boys right there. And I guess it's not the worst thing in the world. Hey, I got nothing to do this afternoon. No, I was at my daughter's kickboxing. Oh, wow. She ate even better. And when they called me and they said, I gotta go, baby. Sorry. No, I took her home. I'll be right back. My wife's like, what are you eating dinner? I go, I was at my daughter's kickboxing. Oh, wow. And when they called me and they said, I got to go, baby. Sorry. No, I took her home. I'll be right back. My wife's like, what are you eating dinner?

I go, I got to go check on Bert. Something's going on over there. I get there, and they're fucking, I walk in, I see Mrs. Kreischer outside watering the fucking flowers. Hi, Joey. What are you doing here? I go, ah. They're in the back.

They called. They needed some help with the podcast. She goes, go right in. Help yourself. Get a soda. And as I'm walking in. Help yourself. Get a soda. As I'm walking in, I see him with a fucking bikini on. And Ari's got one with that fucking body.

And they're dancing. Everybody's having a good time. I'm like, oh, fuck. All right. And then Bernie's like, can you believe he fucking dosed me? I'm like, relax. Give me one. Pop. Fuck it.

No big deal. Then they ended up at the comedy store drinking. It was, you know, and that's what I said. But one thing before I get out of here, I got to tell you two Irish something. The only women that ever dated me were Irish. Can you please tell me why? My wife is Irish. The girl before that ever dated me were Irish. Can you please tell me why? My wife is Irish. The girl before that was Irish.

In grammar school, McNeil fucking Maines. I dated nothing but Irish girls. Probably wanted to drive their father crazy dating a guinea pig. No, I don't. No, because on the side, I've never had racism. I've never really dealt with a lot of people saying, if racism is not you calling me a spic, or you can be calling you a mic.

That's not racism, guys. We're friends. We're down. Hey, spic, come over. My dad's looking for you. He made you Irish spare ribs with the mashed potatoes on top. Irish, Italian, all that. Like, you know, you bust balls and you talk shit, but there's never any hate behind it.

I'll tell you what I found out. I found out the reason why Cuban and Irish are fucking tight is because Battle of the Boyne, 1680 or something like that, the Irish that didn't want to fight went to Cuba because it was a Catholic country. So when I was growing up, I grew up with a kid that had an O'Sullivan that was half Cuban. I was like, how the fuck is O'Sullivan half Cuban? And I went to his house one time. I grew up with a couple O'Sullivans, but this O'Sullivan was

from Union City when I was younger. And his parents had the Saints and the fucking, you know, the fried bananas, but the father was Irish, and he's right there with them. You know, playing the bongo. I'm like, whoa, what's going on? It's like a fun version of the German-Argentinian thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's like, and then I thought about it. Every Irish girl I've ever dated, the dads are out of their fucking mind. Like, Irish dads are out of their fucking minds. And their daughters love it. The daughters love that shit. You know? My male girl is Irish girls are not.

My male girl is Irish as can be. And I give her things from time to time. Like, I'll give her half a number. I'll give her some mushroom bars, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's, like, not 60 like me. She's, like, 40, maybe 38. Good-looking woman.

And I went to the gym a couple weeks ago, and the guy at the gym was like, there's a guy who comes in here. He's like, his wife is your male girl. Because I went to the gym a couple weeks ago, and the guy at the gym was like, there's a guy who comes in here. He's like, his wife is your male girl. Because I ask, I go, whenever you want to come over and blow a bone, you're more than welcome. My wife won't say nothing. My daughter's upstairs. We can do a bong hit, watch a game. So she went home and told her husband, I'm going over to Joey's to get

high, and you ain't coming. And the husband's losing his mind. I love you, Joey. I don't want my wife coming home and saying that. No. But he's mad. Joey Diaz's house to do drugs and hang out. He's mad because she won't take him. Bring him, yeah.

I'm not bringing you, asshole. She goes, you're going to ask him for a picture or something. I'm not bringing you. I was like, holy fuck. We're going to let you go. I know you're here. But I got to tell you, one of my favorite stories in the book is one of the very simple ones. But just the image of it to me just kills me.

When you guys got all dressed up to watch Puerto Rican Nelson fuck. And you had on your little suits that you put on your clothes. All of us. We were all such fucking Catholic nerds. We were all such Catholic nerds. Jesus Christ. The church just turned you into a fucking nerd. Because I was a wild man for a while.

Harlem, 88th Street. But church, I had a great priest growing up. And then Sacred Heart School for Boys, I had a good guy. But they geek you. They just, I don't know. They brainwash you, man, all of a sudden. Yeah, for a couple years. I still brainwash. I still fucking pray to God that he forgives me for hitting that nun.

Yeah. You know, I don't want no problems with that motherfucker. What if we die and there ain't dick? You know? But what if we die and St. Peter is waiting for you? You know what I'm saying? What if? What if?

Who the fuck knows? We don't know. So I just want to, when you turn 50 and you're still alive, a guy like me, you start to tend back to the church a little bit. You start going in there, dropping a dollar, light a candle. You know what I'm saying? I really do. I can't lie to you.

After I became 50, I started talking about God again. God is the Savior. Very last thing. When we have guests on, we like to talk about, not talk about, ask them what their favorite fun fact is. You got a fun fact for us? We had on the other day, they told us

what the origin of raining cats and dogs is. Do you know what that means? It was like back around the industrial revolution origin of it's raining cats and dogs or um you know what that means raining cats and dogs no it was uh like back around like the industrial revolution when you had a farm and you worked your family like your your pets would actually work with you right and the cats and dogs would be out like in the in the barns and the farms and they would hang out on top of the roof and the roof was like a straw roof so if it rained a a lot, it would break, and the fucking cats and dogs

would fall on you. So if it rained enough, it was raining cats and dogs. So he taught us that. It doesn't have to be something like that, but any words of wisdom, any fun facts from Joey Diaz? Speaking of Catholics, fucking St. Francis of Assisi. Wasn't he going to get, he was going to go to jail

for murder or something, and a note came through the fucking ceiling from God and said he was innocent? I don't know. We'll look it up. We'll confirm your fun fact that St. Francis of Sicily was a murderer. I don't know if that's the same priest.

Fun fact for me, one of the things I get off on the most, I don't know. Oh, there was more Cadillacs in Cuba in 1955 than there were in the United States of America. That's a great one. I mean, Cuba's crazy. Cuba's this fucking big. And that's why when you watch Scarface, he keeps talking about Cadillacs. It's a Cadillac.

Holy shit. Fucking Cubans love Cadillacs. That's impossible. You've got to understand this shit. We're fucking America lovers. That has to be every single person in Cuba has a Cadillac to outweigh fucking America. That's

insane. It's a Cadillac. It's fucking crazy. That's a great one. There you go. Fun fact to Joey Diaz. It's a great one. It's fucking crazy shit that you learn. As they call it, useless information. Yeah, yeah. It becomes useful when you can put together a book and put together all your stories and stuff. So this is a great read.

I also, I recommend, usually I'd like to read a book, but I recommend the audio book because you yourself do it. And I feel like it's one of those things when you're reading it, you're like, oh, I could hear Joey saying this. And it's like you can just pop it in and actually hear you with your voice and your style. So you can either listen to it or read it. Quick, easy, fun, and, I mean, one of a kind. Truly one of a kind. Oh, and I got to tell you something, guys. I'm going to show you my seat.

Those are some Irish Catholic legs. Yo, baby. Those are some Irish Catholic legs. I don't even have hair on these motherfuckers. Never in a million years would you say that's a Cuban guy. That's Irish fucking legs, motherfucker. That looks like Trent. That looks like Iowa right there.

Holy shit, man. That's what they talk about when they talk about white passing. Like, what's his ankles like? Can you fucking believe that? That's how I got the name Coco, because I was so white like a coconut. So my father gave me that before he punched the ticket,

so that's why it's three. Thank you so much, Joey. Brother, thank you guys. This was fun. Anytime, just give me a call. I'll shoot over this to you fucking savages. You got my sign? Yeah, I got everything. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.