KFC Radio - Jon Taffer's Advice From An Adult, Dan Soder Gets Robbed, and Daaaaaa Jankees Lose

Episode Date: October 11, 2018

Feits and Kev recap the Yankee red sox game. Quickly talk about the new KFCR radio schedule then they get into Jon Taffer and talk about the UFC fight and then ask about the first date at a wedding idea. Then Dan comes on and they talk about Kev's flame thrower, NCAA football being brought back, Dan living with a weed dealer and getting robbed  in college (while being hogtied and pistol whipped) then Voicemails of wife making her husband sit when he pees and VC of girl asking if it is rude to masturbate next to your partner while they're sleeping.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's a Thursday edition of KFC Radio. That means it's brought to you by Thursday Boots. Fights has him on his feet right now. Let me tell you, he went from an 8 to a 9. I look fucking good today. Maybe from a 9 to a 10. I do look good. You're right. Yeah, you got it going on. You got this denim button up.

You got the cuffs rolled up. You got the boots. You're very fall. It's fucking like 80 degrees. I know. It sucks. Once October turns, I'm done. Yeah, no.

I mean, I've been sweating walking to work every day in a sweatshirt and jacket. I'm wearing it. I'm doing it. I'm wearing these boots. I'm wearing all my Thursday boot shit. I don't care what the temperature is. I don't dress for the weather. I don't dress for the weather. I don't dress for the weather.

I dress for the months. It is fall, so I'll be dressing in fall. Which is tough with the climate change. Sure. Because there's no fall and spring anymore. It just goes winter and summer. I've never evolved in any aspect of my life, and I'm not going to start doing that one either. Thursday boots, some of the highest quality boots, bags, belts, maybe jackets.

My parents got a pair of the Barstool boots. My mom got my dad a pair. And they were just like, these are real quality. They are. You can tell as soon as you open the box, the leather smell and all this stuff. Yeah, they were very, very impressive. I just jammed my nose up in there and took a good with it. Liz was saying she wants them in women's size.

She was like, let me push them to the girls. So I don't know. Yeah, Nardini wants a pair too. I mean, maybe that's. Casey wants a pair. Maybe. I don't know how the women's and men's sizing works. Go get yourself like a pair of fives.

I don't know if that's good enough. Maybe we'll work on that. Maybe coming next, the Thursday female. Well, I said that it was requested when we first put them out. Some ladies were like, we're at women's sizes. And I said, we at KFC Radio, we don't tell women how to dress. Because we are the number one feminist podcast on the planet. But I suppose I can make some exceptions for a couple of bucks.

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Start spreading the news. The Jekis News. That went virus last night. That was. Woo hoo. Your boy Big Papi was just doing a photo shoot with these shirts. Dude, that was like some feeling cute, might delete later. Yeah.

That was so wild. He was posing against doors, just against white backdrops. My guys at Barstool Sports. As far as I know, that was not a paid thing. That was just Poppy Feli doing it. I mean, that's the Barstool difference. That's, you know, Section 10. That's fights, Coley, Karabas.

I'll give a little bit of credit to Dave Portnoy. There's no better collection of Red Sox fans on the planet than here. And there is no worse collection of Yankee fans. That's very true. No, no. I will say every single night at Yankee Stadium, the creatures, at least the people here, are employed. And they're not just scales of society that you see in the Bronx. But Yankee fans at Barstool sports are a fucking joke.

It's sad. It's so sad. And it's been this way forever. Fat face JJ. He, he was brought on to be the stereotypical Yankee fan. And now the stereotype is dead. The mystique is dead.

The swagger is dead. And so now all you're left with is Liz trying to hang on to the mystique, trying to do the 27 rings, but you can't anymore because it's so illogical. At least in the 90s, you could always say, hey, you're talking about championships when there was still polio. But it was like, hey, we're in the middle of a fucking dynasty. Now it's been so long that none of that even makes any sense. And then the flip side is you have the guys who are realistic about baseball,

and they're just the weasels. They're the losers. They're weaklings. And then the flip side is you have the guys who are realistic about baseball, and they're just the weasels. They're the losers. They're weaklings. And they're like, yeah, you're right. We're losing. And it's like, well, that's not great either. Bro, they went from being the evil empire, the evil empire. And that wasn't a –

It was a legitimate comparison. It was a legitimate comparison. They were unbeatable. They were fucking – you knew. You just knew every single day. You were like, they're going to fucking push us. They're going to kill us. Pedro Martinez said, they're my daddy. I still get flashbacks.

Who did Dan call last night? Was it Luke Boyd or something like that? He's like, that's the new Scott Brocious. And I just heard Scott Brocious. I was sick. I was like, son of a bitch. Do you remember when they killed young Kim? They killed him on the mound. I don't think anyone ever heard from that man again.

Like three nights in a row, he gave up eight home runs to give up the lead. It was crazy. But now the evil empire is, I mean, I guess we're pushed to the back of the bus. You have, you're pleading. A week ago, they were begging, saying, we want Boston. Please give us the honor of playing bus, you have you're pleading. A week ago they were begging, saying we want Boston. Please give us the honor of playing these Red Sox. They're so fucking good. Please

please can we play Boston? Put us on the same field with them. And then last night last night the New York Yankees had to watch as the Boston Red Sox celebrated on Yankee field while wearing shirts that say do damage, which were designed to mock the Yankees GM while they played the Yankees

victory song, New York, New York, and sprayed champagne all over the locker rooms at Yankee stadium. That's it. I mean, it's dead. I don't know why the word cucked is so stupid now. That's a cucking. By the way, the last time you guys met, reverse sweep. So it's not, you know, it's really not great for the rivalry.

I mean, there are games. There was a game in this series where fucking commentators said it was disrespectful how bad the Red Sox were beating them. In the playoff game with millionaire professional athletes. It was position players on the mound, John. I would find this offensive. Offensive, he found it. They almost killed older men, old baseball heads. They almost passed out from what an embarrassment it was.

Dan said that last night they were watching the game, two nights ago, and Tommy Lee said under his breath, there's something going on here. These fans, I keep showing these fans, they're not real. Like they're fucking planted there. Like false flag Yankee hater truthers like me are paying these people to show up. No, man, I'm just showing you what is always there.

I'm showing you what I've seen my whole fucking life. I feel like an evangelical missionary who is spreading the gospel, exposing these people for the greasy, fat-faced goombas that they are. For the twerps who just got their fucking bar mitzvah, who had their button-up shirt under their stupid personalized uniforms for the creatures who come out of the fucking sewers in the Bronx and root with their dumb baseball knowledge and their stupid fucking chirps. And it doesn't make any sense anymore as you lose and you bow down. And you know what is even worse, too, is the Yankee fans who are trying to be like, well, look, we won game two, made it a game of game four.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Dude, it's like, I was telling Hubs, it's like getting a fucking 38 on a test. Where instead of getting a zero, it's more embarrassing because the teacher handed it back. He's like, holy shit, you actually tried on this. Yeah, like, did you, did you, like, did you mess up the Scantron and you didn't get anything right? Was this a mistake? No, you actually just got a 30. You could have at least accepted it, handed a blank sheet

and said, we're not as good. Take us out. And then you get a zero and it's fine. You're like, you know what? That's fine. Getting a zero is okay. Getting a 38 and being like, well, look, man, like, it's not a zero. That's not better. A 38 is worse than a zero. You won one measly game in a fucking

series. That was a blowout. You made two games kind of close that weren't close really. You threatened in the ninth inning because a reliever lost the mound, lost the plate. You didn't darn it. Craig Kimball, if they just put the bat down, he's been walking six

runs. He would have walked in the game winning run. You were a hindrance to yourselves in that inning. I mean, and as much as, by the way, Craig Kimball almost killed me. That fly, Craig Kimbrell almost killed me. That fly ball to the warning track was, that almost killed me. And I mean, he, I don't understand why he was literally walking other than a fastball. I kept saying, I'm like, you got one pitch.

I can find a plate. Throw a fastball. You're a fastball pitcher. And that's by the way, for, for Mike Stanton to, to strike out or to whatever I would be ground out, strike out, whatever it was to get an out against Craig Kimbrell in that situation. You struck out. You swung out.

He was missing the ball by like 10 fucking feet. That, you know, when that's what you're hanging your hat on, it is a sad state of affairs. I had, John, I had Yankee fans. Their only response, they were sending me the box score of the Mets Nationals game in July. What about this game in July? I mean, there was once a time where all that mattered was October.

There was once a time when Derek Jeter played in November. They used to play playoff baseball in the same fucking month as Thanksgiving. They called. I mean, they called. Obviously, I read Jackson's Mr. October. They called Mr. November was Mr.

November. Right. And now it's like, hey, we made it to October. Fucking joke. George Steinbrenner. Wild card team. He would set the whole fucking building on fire. Yeah, no.

He's got to be one in his grave, man. The disrespect to the boss. I mean, Aaron Boone postgame was like, well, we still think we're great. Well, you're fucking not. I mean, Aaron Boone's fired, right? He's not. They will bring him back, and he absolutely should be fired. George Starnbrenner would have emasculated him.

He would have fire-hosed him in the face like Hubs. I do get it. They won 100 winning games. And you know what? You know what Hubs was saying the other day, too? You guys don't have a farm system. No, man. They're up.

Our farm system is our fucking baseball team. They're up. They're 25 years old. They're not going anywhere. That's completely asinine. It's like our farm system is about to win us a fucking title, you dickhead. Tommy Smokes immediately went to, you know, we'll just buy. Machado, Harper, Corbin.

Well, you just got. He said then. He said trade for Scherzer. Jesus Christ, you fucking losers. That is... I'm hoping for rescue. You're not that fucking team anymore. The players in 2018,

they like to go to a team where they can win a championship. They don't want to go come in fucking second in a division. It ain't happening. And it's going to be that way for years to come. And honestly, within these walls, they have no identity within the blog. It's going to be that way for years to come. And honestly, within these walls, they have no identity within the blog. It's unbelievable. They don't know what they are.

There's the New Age weasels who want to be like, hey, we're not like the dumb, brainless, rocks-for-brain goombas. But they're, like I said, weaklings, so you're not intimidated by. Liz and them, there's the other side of things. Lily's Willie, they're trying to do the 27 rings thing, but that makes no logical sense anymore. They have no leader. They have no pope. They got nothing. I even saw Mike Francesa just scurrying out of the building last night.

It was unbelievable. It was pathetic. The whole series was pathetic. It was kind of like a Patriots game where you get garbage time. It was like, dude, that game was boring. That series was boring. That didn't entertain me. No.

That wasn't fun to watch. When you look back on it, it was like, yeah, like a 750 ball club won three or four. And it went down exactly how it was supposed to go down. The better team won. Pretty much dominated like 90% of play. Yeah. It was a couple innings that you threatened. Threatened.

Yeah, exactly. It was like, oh, this is great. Threatened. Yeah, exactly. Really about it. You had your big game against David Price. Game two starter named already. ALCS. Whoa, buddy. Whoa, buddy. Let me tell you one strikeout. I'm like ripping off my shirt like Superman. David Price

is good! Oh, it's great, John. This has been a lifelong quest for me. Do you know what this makes? The Sox making the ALCS? What do you mean? What does it mean?

This is the 26th Boston team since 2002 to make the league championship series. That's disgusting. 26th in 16 years to make the league championship series. That's wild. That's wild. So what's that? Out of the four major sports, 16 years to make the league championship series. That's wild. That's wild. So what's that? Out of the four major sports, 16 years. So a total of 26 to 64.

What did you say? 26 out of 64. You just said numbers. I got confused. That is disgusting. Disgusting. Good for you guys. I love it.

I mean, I said it last night. Me and Dave, you know, it's weird being on the same side as you was whatever but but I'm like get him Dave yeah let me retweet you and shit it is a weird feeling but the you know enemies make strange bedfellows and

the Yankees are my immortal they are my mortal enemy I have been fighting this fight I mean back at the track we enjoy it more than these I was gonna say that you guys enjoy it more than these guys. I was going to say that. You guys enjoy it more because you also don't have the – I guess you do because I guess you are a diehard Red Sox fan. But maybe you have a little less pressure where you have like –

I guess not. I guess you don't. I ratcheted it up enough that if they win, it's coming at me just as much as you guys. You were as stressed out with the Ninth of July i thought oh my god i think more so because you guys would immediately just be like we won the championship well and you've also been like three world series in the past whatever like yeah we got nothing this is what we've got so when it happens we pop champagne and it's happened enough and to watch them really, they don't do the 27 rings anymore. And they are eating themselves from within. I have been doing this since Jim Lairitz, since Joe Buck, back at the track, at the wall.

We are tied in the 96 Brave Series. It's been miserable. And now it's, like, pretty comfortable. I mean, like, you know, 16 of the last 17 years. Except that 2009 blip. Every other time, I'm popping champagne. How about this hypothetical? Mets never win in your lifetime, but Yankees also never win.

I'll probably sign for that right now. Yeah. Probably will. Because I hate harder than I love. I think I would do that because I think we have half of it already right now. I think, like, Mets aren't going to win, and it's just like, well, we're just guaranteeing that the Yankees also win. That's just a bonus. I'll take it.

That's just a bonus. Fuck the Yankees. The Yankees lose! And shout out to Pretty Ricky Porcello. He goes down, like, there are certain guys in my life that I love because of this. Like, strange guys, like

Tony Womack, Diamondbacks, fucking love them. Justin Verlander, first time around, back with the Tigers, love them. David Eckstein and all Scott Spezio I hate Scott Spezio because then

Dave Roberts great one when Scott Spezio had it with the Angels and then fucking ruined it with the Cardinals there are certain guys that are just forever

in my heart and Pretty Ricky Pretty Ricky dealt last night he I thought Pretty Ricky was going to go Greg Maddux game right

go 9 full 82 pitches I mean he threw like 5 he threw like 13 pitches I think at the end of 3 I think he threw like five. He threw like 13 pitches. I think at the end of three, I think he had 26. It was crazy. Something like that.

It was absurd how few pitches he was. When I learned that he was a Jersey guy who grew up a Mets fan, I was like, I love this guy. And then when I found out that his name is actually Fred. Wait, I just found that out right now. He is Rick because he's Frederick and his middle name is alfred he's fred fred porcello the third the third don't go by rick go by fred fred i people were calling him uh ricky two friends that's unbelievable you guys got caught up by a guy named fred i actually i was lucky enough to meet Rick Porcello

and I'm very upset that he didn't like lead with that story. He should say, what's up? My name is Rick. Actually, it's Fred Fred. That's how you should introduce yourself to everybody. He came to the, we had a derby party, like a Barcelona derby party. This is back when we

still in Boston. It's probably his first year on the team, which I would guess is four years ago, something like that. Yep. But it was his first year on the team, and he had pitched. It was a day game. They always do, like, around the Kentucky Derby,

they do, like, the day game. Like, there's usually a Bruins playoff game or a Celtics playoff game. They do a big, yep. And so we had the Derby Party for it, and this was, Napoli was still on the team. Napoli was a huge stoolie. Napoli just drank, consumed nothing but Fireball for like four straight seasons.

He came home from it and drank Fireball. That was all Napoli did. But so he gave a shout out. He was like, yo, I'm going to come through. So we set up like a little VIP section. And me and my buddy had been drinking all fucking day. And all day. He's a big dude, but he can still see still you know he gets a little drunk and so we get them into like the vip section at the

atiyahs and my buddy's talking to porcello and they're just kind of shooting the shit my buddy's wearing a don bosco shirt i think um prep school jersey yeah one of those jersey like how powerhouse preps and somehow it came up that you know porcello was like oh i went to see in hall and my buddy like he with sports he knows all like the weird intricacies about people like he where they came from he does like the um well i can't think of his fucking name the guy in the box at the nbc sports uh hockey whoever hates pierre mcguire i don't know how i couldn't remember his name i The guy in the box at NBC Sports Hockey. Whoever hates. Pierre Maguire. Pierre Maguire. I don't know how I couldn't remember Pierre's name.

I love Pierre Maguire. You're a big Pierre guy. Because anytime someone touches the puck, Pierre just knows their whole fucking history. And my buddy's like that. He just knows where everyone went to high school, where they used to play. And so Porcello's like, oh, Don Bosco.

Sure, I went to Seton Hall. And my buddy looked at him. He's like, how old are you? He's like, I'm 28, however old he was, right? Did you know Rick Porcello? Rick Porcello, he pitched today. Did you know Rick Porcello went to Seton Hall? Same time.

And they'd been talking for a while before this eventually came up. And Porcello just stared at him so weird. He's like, yeah, I'm Rick Porcello. And my buddy was so wasted. He goes, well, that's why Pablo Sandoval's standing right here. He had never acknowledged the fact. I don't know if he thought he was so drunk. He just was imagining Pablo Sandoval standing there.

And he just looked over, looked back at Porcello, looked at me. That's why Pablo Sandoval was there the whole time it was like Sandoval's first year on team 2 didn't speak a fucking lick of English so we all erupted

into laughter and Sandoval was just staring like what is everyone everyone just kept looking at me now they're laughing I bet they're calling me fat

son of a bitch that's an all time drunk story Sandoval ended up getting wasted we went to another bar afterwards we went to like That's an all-time drunk story. Sandoval ended up getting wasted. We went to another bar afterwards. We went to the Hong Kong and Faneuil Hall, and it was just us in there. Sandoval was just standing on tables like, bah, bah, bah.

Again, just a guy in a foreign land. Didn't know a lick of English. With a bag of money. Yeah. Bag of money. With a fucking, he with a fucking Sagi secured the bag. No doubt. Good for him. I love that.

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Do it all commission free. We got a little bit of business. Take care of ourselves before we get into voicemails and a very special guest. So we've been seeing people have been asking for the quickies. So over the last couple of months, we've been doing our major episodes on Tuesday, Thursday. And then we decided, fuck it, let's go five days a week and sprinkle in half episodes that sometimes grew into full episodes on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Because we are always in the KFC region, always in the weird spot where we're always trying

to do more, trying to evolve, trying to change the way we do the podcast, trying to do things outside of the podcast. And so the idea of a five day a week podcast was was what we wanted to push. We have since been told by sales and tech that it is it's it's kind of cannibalizing ourselves. So the way podcasts work is you drop your podcast, you get a big flow of downloads, and then you actually do a very sizable amount of your downloads the second day, like upwards of like 40%. People have been crunching numbers in the podcast game for a while now,

and it sounds like that second day bump is very beneficial. So when we put out a new episode each day, it kind of cannibalizes what are our major episodes. And we always try to plan our Tuesday, Thursday episodes with the better guests, the better voicemails, the better content, since that's the major offering. So we are going to scale back the quickies, ramp up the Tuesday, Thursday,

and hopefully that grows the podcast grows our average grows our rates. Uh, you know, we can hopefully get into that PMT type level with our money or revenue or popularity, which just breeds more guests and more opportunities in the podcast. It's better. And we're going to take the time from quickies to do other stuff. So like I want to do storyboards. And now that I don't have to do a podcast every day, I can do work on that. John has a storytelling project in the mix where he can go off and film that rather than just be stuck in the studio

doing the same thing we always do. I wanted to stress too, first of all, this doesn't make us seem lazy. Sales really fucked us on that. Yeah, I mean... Let's just get that out there. This absolutely just feels like a spin zone for guys who don't want to do the job five days a week i do want to keep doing it and we are we're

going to try and find a way to i think we're we're we're working on a couple of different things that we hope we can bring it back maybe on a different channel um i don't know there's a we got it's work with sales it sucks not like working for yourself anymore. I know. Because we kind of did. Even when we worked for Dave, we still kind of had our own thing. But now we're getting – I mean, we have people telling us don't do as much, which for lazy people, it is nice. Listen, mail time, bro. It is nice to say. My lifelong dream is to have the superiors be like, you're doing too much.

Yeah, you're working too much. Okay, I guess we'll scale back. But we do – like you said, we do a couple other things. And it does make sense. It was painted most clearly to me because I only think in television shows when I think one of the tech people said, look, if Game of Thrones was on every night, it wouldn't have the ratings. Sunday wouldn't be a big deal.

Right. So they basically said every podcast should have at least one day blank between the next episode. Right. Like we do Tuesday, Thursday. Part of my take this Monday Wednesday, Friday. And you have that extra day to get more downloads. So we're going to try it.

We're going to feel it out. We're going to see what happens. Again, I do like doing quickies. I think that quickies bring something different to the table. We can pick different topics. We can do different things. The one-off ideas. I mean, you know, listen, if we can get the downloads up and the rates up, and then we can just fucking start doing the quickies again. I mean, there's a lot of different opportunities here.

But it's always trial and error with us, and it's always like we're trying to find that sweet spot, and this is what the numbers are telling us right now. So I'm going to use the storyboard, so I'm happy about that. And for the people who got used to us every single day, you'll still get us in just different forms. It means more Snapchat stuff. It means more videos. I'll write more. People are happy that I got back on the blog.

If I don't have to do the podcast every day, I will write a blog in that time. So you'll still be getting us. It's just not going to come in the form of the podcast every single day. We spoil it, motherfuckers. For now. We do have other things. You're going to be getting a fucking lot of us. I'm just going to tell you that.

It's probably a little bit down the road, but we have a lot happening right now. You're going to be getting way too much of us. You're going to be super sick of us. Pat McAfee departure kind of fucked with SiriusXM, so that's kind of up in the air. So I don't even know what the daily schedule is going to be like. The rundown has been running into our shows

like every time we're trying to record. There's not enough studio space. It's a mess right now, so we're just trying to work smarter, not necessarily harder. So that's us taking care of business. I just want to say, though, if people really want the quickies, keep voicing your opinion. And if people want us to bring it back, we'll find a way to bring it back. We'll do it in a different way.

It could be on YouTube. It can be a different feed. There's a lot of options. Let the people know. If you want, if you really want it, if you get me like hashtag bring back quickies trending, then I'll be like, here, irrefutable proof that the quickies are what the people want. Voicemails coming up. But right now I'm going to introduce a new segment we're going to be doing regularly. And it's called Advice from an Adult with Jon Taffer.

Jon came on our show. You know him from Bar Rescue. Shut it down. And, you know, we always try to give advice. We always offer our best up. But we're idiots. Yeah. Immature.

True. Childish. Tell them. Not smart. Correct. Jon Taffer is the opposite of all those things. I lit up for a second. Oh, he's being nice

John is smart, he is accomplished he is a veteran of life he has money, he has happiness, success he can also read minds he's a wizard he put me in a pretzel take what Joel McHale did to you

multiply it by a hundred oh I don't know about that, you're selling Joel short I think they were on the same page Take what Joel McHale did to you, fucking multiply it by 100. That's what John did. Oh, I don't know about that. You're selling Joel short. I think they were on the same page. Joel, actually. I might give Joel the edge here a little bit. He just kept going in.

So we sat down with John, and what we're going to do with him every so often, we're going to have him dial in, or we're going to see him in Vegas, or he out in New York, and we're going to pick one of the topics, one of the voicemails we just recently discussed and probably gave bad advice on. And we're going to ask him, what do you think is the right way to answer that question? So real advice, adult advice with Jon Taffer is brought to you by FanDuel. Dave, I was so upset about FanDuel giving away all of Dave's earnings until I realized

that they're giving away all of Dave's earnings. Every single week, they just keep giving away 10 more percent. Right now, he's down to like 40% of his own fucking money. Oh, really? Yeah, it's great. So I'm like, FanDuel, keep it up, baby. Every single week is a Beat Dave challenge, and he just has to keep giving up a bigger stake of his winnings. So

Dave's going to go off and win the $500,000 challenge and get like $4,000, which is still $4,000 that I'd be like i want four thousand dollars dave's gonna like literally light it on fire but uh that's what they're doing because they're they're giving away big money and more importantly they are so down with barstool that they want every stool to be involved they're giving away all of dave's money for a reason because they want all the stoolies to get in on it so if you want in on the world fantasy football

championship earnings you got to beat do the beat dave contest so how it. So if you want in on the World Fantasy Football Championship earnings, you've got to do the Beat Dave contest. So how it works is you'll win 5% of whatever Dave wins at the championship if you beat Dave this week. So go to fanduel.com slash beat Dave and enter that contest. And right now, new users get a $5

bonus when they make their first deposit on FanDuel. So go to fanduel.com slash beat Dave. If you're signing up for the first time, you get a $5 bonus. When you enter the BeatDave contest, you are entered for a chance to get 5% of whatever Dave wins in the $500,000 World Fantasy Football Championship. That's FanDuel.com slash BeatDave. Jon Taffer, let's talk to him. Time for our new segment called Advice from an Adult with Jon Taffer.

We welcome John. He's on the phone now. You and you out in Vegas, you at home. I am, guys. I'm actually in Vegas. I fly to Atlanta tonight to give the keynote address. You like this at a Heineken convention. Hey, here you go.

Guy is he's everywhere. Were you in Vegas for the fight? I was not in Vegas for the fight. Unfortunately, I was down in Florida. I feel like it was probably for the best. Vegas was a mess for that fight. So I feel like if there's ever a time to not want to be in Vegas, it ironically might have been during that fight. Yeah, it was amazing to watch. So on video. Oh, yeah, guys, as entertaining as can be. I mean, from your point of view, if you own a bar or something like that on the strip, a fight night has got to be big for business.

But if you're looking at the idea of like Russian mobsters and drunk Irishmen running around, are you on high alert? Oh, absolutely. But you know what's interesting, guys? Fights in bars typically suck. And I'll tell you why. Fights are normally on Friday night. And if there's one night that we don't need any help, it's Friday.

True. So what happens is we normally play music or whatever we do on a Friday night. So they put the fricking fight on Friday night and it screws up everything, especially when it's, you know, midnight. That's usually when you,

people are dancing and cooking and it's nine. Oh, that's true. I guess you do have the time difference there. It's expensive as shit too. Right. Isn't it? You don't have to pay 50 bucks times. What? It's nine out there. Oh, that's true. I guess you do have the time difference there. It's expensive as shit too, right? Isn't it?

You don't have to pay 50 bucks times what fire capacity is. Yeah, it'll cost you anywhere like six to eight grand typically for bar for the fight. And then it screws up your Friday night. Interesting. I always say, you know, I wish they would do it on Wednesday or Thursday night. They'd sell much more. You know, guys, I was involved in Sunday Ticket. And, you know, the fact of the matter is if football was Friday and Saturday night, it wouldn't have done the same in bars. It just extends your weekend.

That's a little behind the curtain there with the business world of Jon Taffer. We're going to get into some behind the curtain of the dating world. We went through a question a couple weeks ago and it was a gentleman who he was on a dating app matched with a girl and he invited her to a wedding as their first date. So we thought

that was a ballsy move. We thought it could go one way or the other. It's either a lot of fun and romantic or it's kind of a forward move and can go south pretty quick so we wanted to get your thoughts on that move and um you know weddings in general is it good to bring a date first date should where should you go on a first date if you don't like the wedding move considering you are bars restaurants clubs you've pretty much got that whole scene on lockdown

where's the best place to go with a girl on the first date if it's not the wedding? Okay, first of all, you nailed me with like 10 fucking things. Sorry, I did. I unloaded it because now you can just go with it. Okay, so I got this. So first of all, when you take somebody on a first date to a wedding, that's what I call a qualifying fucking date. You better explain to her that you have other people you can take to this wedding. And you think it

would be fun or cool or different you got to provide some reason to take her to the wedding other than the fact that you're freaking desperate and you have nobody else to take right so so how do you take a girl to a wedding on the first date and keep your cool interesting that's the challenge so you got to qualify it you got to set it up some way. Okay, that's one. Next. You know, weddings can be a great place for a first date if you get past the qualification thing or any date because people loosen up. It's a family environment.

A few drinks, a few drinks. The wedding ends. The couple leaves. What do you do then? So I think it could be a decent environment to start. But I would always get to a darker bar environment in some place. Hey, that's an hour cooking. The after party or let's go for a nightcap or a couple more drinks.

That's where you move. You know, the bridge to intimacy is always eating, right? Is that a fact? The second most intimate thing you can do is eat. The first is sex, obviously. But the second most intimate thing you can do is eat. The first is sex, obviously. But the second most intimate thing you can do is eat. John, you get me with the right meal. And I don't know.

I might swap that one and two right there. See, that actually makes perfect sense because I'm so embarrassed to eat in front of people. Just like I'm so embarrassed to have sex with a person. Like, I'm the kind of guy who I cover my mouth the moment there's food in it. I have like, I would, you know how they put down a horse? They come out, the doctors come out. I have like a, I would, you know how they put down a horse, they come out, the doctors come out and they have like the curtain.

I would have like doctors at dinner with me if I could just pull up a sheet every time I put food in my mouth. Well, there's got to be an art to that as well, John, right? The way to, you know, your father, John,

your father always said don't order spaghetti, don't order lobster because it's too much of a mess when you're on a date. But I'm sure there's got to be some good date foods. Well, I got to tell you, if you order lobster, you're ordering one of the most expensive things

on the menu that could show that you got some class too. Let me ask a question. If you cover your mouth when you eat and you cover yourself when you have sex, are your legs fricking crossed right now? Usually they are right now. They're not, but typically, yes, they are. I'm a leg crosser big time so i got i got you fucking nailed because what that is is you know that's body language of are you ready a prude i am you're a prude you don't talk in bed you don't get embarrassed you're a prude i'm absolutely okay so let let's talk so would you get embarrassed like he does? No, no. I'll let it fly. I'd let it fly, too.

So that's the difference. Do you sit with your legs crossed? No, I'll do the square cross. I don't do the all the way over cross. You know what I mean? I do a little bit of both. You do a little both. I bet you do a lot more of the other than the first.

You're right. You're right. I just, you know, people are predictable. And my guess is we got to get him to Vegas for a weekend. You know. I just, you know, people are predictable. And, and my guess is we got to get him to Vegas for a weekend. You know what I'm saying? Listen up a little babe. I've actually never been to Vegas where I've been to Vegas once,

but it was for work. And I, I basically didn't go out or anything. I've never really done Vegas in my life. Okay. So here's the invitation. I want you guys to come to Vegas. You can do the show from my studio.

If we want, uh, why don't we do a weekend in Vegas or at least a night together in Vegas? We can bring a camera and a recorder if we want and I think we should show the world what your first night in Vegas would look like. John Taffer, I think that's a fantastic

idea. I think that's a fantastic idea and I think this is a great start to Adult Advice with John Taffer. This could not have gone better. This could not have gone any better. You know what? I'm going to pitch John my first date. Okay. So, John, you haven't been on the show to hear this part. My first date I always do isn't a wedding date.

What I do is I ask the girl, I say, what is your worst date imaginable? What would be the thing that you just hated the most ever? And, you know, I don't do it all the time. But the first time I ever did it, she said, I hate museums. I think it's like so fake and people trying to pretend they're classy and stuff like that. So I said, okay, that's perfect. We're going on a date to a museum first, our first date. And she was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Why would we do that? And I said, because if I can make you have fun there at your worst date, you know, right away that I'm actually like a person you're going to want to spend a lot of time with.

And she hit me with the oh, shit. Qualifying, right, John? Not bad qualifying, but she could have looked at you and said, so my first date, you're so considerate of me that you're going to take me to the place I hate the fucking most. Yeah, but I want to make it fun. You're betting on yourself. I got to tell you, it's a pretty cool approach, buddy. Thank you. Thank you.

I fucking know it. No, no, it's not a bad approach. So did you take her to the sex museum? Which is actually, that's honestly right across the street from our office. Right across the street. But no, we went to the Museum of Fine Arts. Okay. So you showed her your culture at the same time.

That's right. Yeah. I don't have much, but I faked it. Yeah. I got to tell you, I'm impressed. Did same time. That's right. Yeah. I don't have much, but I faked it. Yeah. I got to tell you, I'm impressed. Did you get a second date? I did. I got up to like three and then I kind of just stopped talking to her.

It's usually how it goes. Yeah. It wasn't like a conscious decision. It kind of just fell off. We still follow each other on Instagram, like each other's posts here and there, but I don't really talk anymore. So what's the longest relationship you've ever had? John, what do you think the longest relationship I've ever had is?

It ain't long, buddy I don't know, maybe seven months? No, it's about six There it is John Topper, baby John Topper is a genius It's fucking amazing That was amazing

I know what the fuck's going on here Okay, so seven months And I'm guessing, or six months But I'm guessing maybe it ran a month too long or maybe two months too long. We're being totally honest. It ran about five months too long, five and a half months too long. It was wild. I was just stuck in going, this is the worst. I would lay in bed at night with her asleep in my chest and be like, how the fuck am I going to get out of this?

Luckily, she dumped me. I think she started to pick up on what I was putting putting down i hear you so so what do you do how do you get past month six buddy what do you got to do to get past months the question is does he want to get past month six well it would be a milestone for him wouldn't you think yeah yeah i'd round that up to a year from there on out too yeah Six months in a day? Yeah. One year. A year maybe. So what do you think a girl would charge to spend an entire year with you? You think she'd do it?

I don't know. 20 grand? You think it would take a million dollars? How terrible are you? I mean, if she's doing 20 grand, she does not have a lot of self-worth. It's got to be. I mean, it's six figures, no doubt. It's like an entry-level NHL deal. That's what to be. I mean, it's six figures, no doubt. It's like an entry-level NHL deal.

That's what I think. So there's obviously a lot of pain involved, and she's got to be compensated for that pain is what you're saying. Yeah, without that, not physical pain, but mental torture, no doubt. I get it. I get it. All right. Well, I mean, we don't want to.

There's going to be plenty to dive into here. We're going to have John regularly call in and give us this adult advice, and I would imagine him breaking down the psychology of John Henry Feidelberg is going to be all part of it. So I don't want to give away too much here on the first installment. So you got your behind-the-curtain on fight night and bar life. He hit you with what to do with a wedding date. He hit you on what's the best move to

get intimate, and he broke down our guy all in a matter of like 15 minutes. He's a wizard. You are a wizard, Jon Taffer. Thank you, buddy. I appreciate it. You guys are doing pretty good yourselves. Yeah, we're doing alright. How's the podcast? Oh, doing great, man. I had Dave on a couple weeks ago, which was great.

I would love to have you guys on one time, but yeah, it's doing great. I'm loving it. It's just new to me. I've only done, what, nine or ten of them. Well, you're made for it, so I expect a lot more to come, and when we get out there to Vegas, we'll certainly come on. Yeah, I'm going to text you in two seconds. Yeah, we're going to set that up.

It'll be a blast. Thank you, sir. We appreciate it. Thanks, John. Have a good one. Take care, guys. Big thank you to John Taffer. John is drying his eyes and calling his mom after that. He's good. He is good. You. You're good. He's like, you're good.

I'll tell you what, I'm looking forward to Vegas. Oh my God. Yo, I'm not... The thing about Vegas with John Taffer is not like Vegas with your buddies. You know what I mean? It's going to be like, this is the best food, this is the best spot, this is the best wine, the best liquor, the best everything's going to be like, this is the best food. This is the best spot. This is the best wine. You know, the best liquor. The best, like, everything.

He'll be like, you know, this is the best bed to sleep on. I want to be doing a lot of tequila. Oh, yeah. He'll be like, here's the best bed in Vegas to sleep on tonight. It's going to be like Lapa Luxury. I'm going to catch, like, a Salit Dion show. Oh, you know where we're going to go? We're going to go out there during a Bruins night scheme.

Ooh. I like that. Yeah. We're going to figure out a Bruins night scheme. That's where we're going to go out there. All right. The KFC Radio John Taffer Vegas crossover. I don't even know if it's going to be good content, because like I said, I're going to figure out a Browns-Nights game. Okay. All right. The KFC Radio-John Taffer-Vegas crossover. I don't even know if it's going to be good content, because like I said, I'm going to

go catch a show. But it's going to be enjoyable for me. Let's get into our own voicemails, where we'll get back to bad advice. It's brought to you by MVMT. Good advice. Go get yourself an MVMT watch. They are quality watches at an affordable price that are the minimalistic vibe, which I appreciate as we're growing the Viva line, all these hoodies and new clothes that I'm doing. I got a whole new line coming out maybe a month or so, eight weeks.

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I don't know what you're waiting for you're an idiot we've been talking about these guys forever because they have done changed the game MVMT.com slash KFC 15% off on a new watch today alright we're back and so is Dan Soder the man the myth, the legend.

Hey, guys. How are you doing? Hey. He's back once again. We were playing around with my flamethrower out there. Dude, two things. Number one, coolest fucking thing I've ever seen someone buy is a flamethrower online. And that you fucking have one.

That's exactly why I bought it. Just for that right there. I told him right now he needs to go and wait for a middle school to let out to be the envy of every 13-year-old kid who's like, dude, one day you can grow up and own a fucking flamethrower. You know what it's like being a big boy? You can buy fucking flamethrowers on the internet.

And I'm going to eat ice cream for dinner. Just fucking letting it rip. Dan said I should go up and find some kid who looks a little bit like me and be like, I'm you from the future. I've been sent here with a flamethrower to stop Mrs. Smith from giving you homework. Just blow his mind.

Don't go to summer camp next year. It all goes bad. I got to get out of here. And they're like, you love camp. He's like, I can't go this year. I don't want to go this year. A man said something. I think it was me.

I don't have much time. You have to listen to me. I'm you from 2057. This isn't going to make any sense. Just listen. Just listen was me. I don't have much time. You have to listen to me. I'm you from 2057. This isn't going to make any sense. Just listen. Just listen to me. Don't go online. We're talking about teasing kids.

Someone can come up to me and say that right now. Someone who's somewhat like me can be like, yo, I'm you from next Tuesday, and shit goes fucking bad. I wouldn't sleep then. I'd be like, son of a bitch. You have to believe it a little bit. You have to listen to me. I'm new from the future, but shaking a kid like

that? Dude, eighth grade, I was so impressionable. If some guy walked up, he's like, you have to listen to me, Dan. I'd be like, what? Again, sure, you're taller than me. I'll listen to anything you say. You're describing me still. Yes, eighth grade, I was still to this day. Someone comes up to me in the street and is like, you can tell me anything. Please someone dress up

a little like you. If that happens that would be fucking fantastic. And you are, he has the most doppelgangers you've ever seen in your life. At least like two a day. It's wild. Quickly confused. I'm a very very bland person. It's a dangerous recipe. As we talk here, I'm going to pull up the Feidelberg Durex ad. He's got

a fucking doppelganger from Germany that was in a condom ad. Got that condom money. The German condom ad? The condom ad? That's got to be some sick shit. I mean, okay.

That is not him. That is not the fella sitting to your right. That is pretty crazy. I'll tell you where it gets me. The cheeks. He got those kissable cheeks. That's the word. He's smart. Get him. She got those. Kissable cheeks. That's the word.

She's smart. I fucking get them. Hey, look at that. Eugene Vine, 2,000 bar for Dean and Erla. Huh? Yeah. That means,

fuck this, can I take it off? That's German for, it feels so much better without it, doesn't it? It would be funny if condom commercials were just them trying to get the

condom off the entire time. Tell her you've been tested. Trojan. Pulling out works. Pulling out method. Only use us in case. Do you know how hard it is to really get pregnant? It's only a couple days a month that it's possible anyway. So let's go

without. But that was the coolest shit. You guys have the worst office, I think I said this last time I was on, to walk in the room high. Oh, yeah. Where you just bam, right in your face. Yeah, but also there's a lot of alpha energy in here. Is there?

So when you open the door and everyone's like, who the fuck are you, dude? And you're like, I don't know. I'm lost. It was the first time in my life where high walking in a room, I just want to go, I'm lost. Someone help me. I think it was Ebony. I think it's our giant black security guard.

I guess there is. She's the most alpha bitch in the world. She was fine. I think she was in the bathroom. I somehow just came in. You know, sometimes you can just walk in places. Like, I've walked on the football fields of so many stadiums because the security guard just wasn't around.

Like, at Wisconsin, I just did comedy on state in Madison. And my opener and I, Andy, we got so close to getting to the field. And then this guy was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, like around the corner. He's like, where the fuck did you come from? We're like, we just walked up. No one was here. And he's like, no, no, no. And then we saw they were practicing on the field.

So I was like, I get that. But most of the time, if there's no one on there, you can just go. Walk around in a lot of stadiums. But that's how it felt. I felt like I just walked in and everyone was like, what are you doing here? And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I get that.

I wouldn't describe it with the energy I'm putting forth as alpha. Not you. But it is. When someone walks in, I'm just like, I do look up like, what? Yeah. Well, because it's your office. What do you want me to do for you? It's not your fault.

You're your office. Right. And most people walk off like, are you going to greet me and help me? So I'm like, fuck you, man. I don't know why you're here. I'm working. Fuck you. So let me re-explain.

That's the actual energy. It's not alpha energy. It's kind of like, who are you? What the fuck do you want? And you're like, I don't know. You invited me here. I'm not sure. I just fucking smoked a bowl of weed I had from Colorado.

It was feeling pretty great on the train, and now I am scared. You were doing shows in Colorado. Last time we talked, you were saying you were going to go out. You were on the road for a while. Dude, man, I'm almost at the end of it. Really? I've been on the road. Was that long ago we talked?

13 weeks. Oh, then you started shooting soon, too? Billions is back up. Yeah. Fucking bonfire. So it's like, dude, the only time I have I'm playing Spider-Man. I'm playing Spider-Man on PS4. That's all I'm doing.

It's the only downtime I have. Some people call that a job around here. Dude, it's great. If someone's doing that as a job, I will put all the things I'm doing to play Spider-Man. Do you play seriously? Are you a pretty big gamer? I'm not a big gamer. I have video games I like. My buddy Shane Gillis and I hooked up my Xbox 360 and we're playing NCAA college football again.

Oh. The servers are still up, and this dude downloaded, he made all the current rosters from college football. What a fucking hero. So you started, I mean, seriously, it's the most selfless thing. It's ever been done. I'm touched. When I found that out, I was like. You know how much work that probably is? I had the emotion of, you know the videos when kids hear for the first time?

Yeah, yeah. That was my emotion when I saw the roster. I was like, what? I can hear my voice. That's the roster from this year. So we're fucking. Do you do all of them or just top 25? Dude, he did.

It's rare to find a school he didn't do. I found out he didn't do Cal secondary. So if you're a golden bear, you got fucked. One other Pac-12 team. We're running with the buffs. I'm O coordinator. He's D coordinator. Shane.

And then I let him do the recruiting. And it's fun, man. I'm not going to lie. Because he's a comic. He's opening for me on the road. So if you see me in DC or Baltimore or Boston he'll be with me

but it's one of those things where it's like man this feels like 2011 this feels like 2004 time travel yeah you're just like time travel you're like

we're playing NCAA college football easily the greatest football video game of all time and you know because of the because of the O'Bannon's you can't

yeah those motherfuckers that motherfucker trying to get his money. I would have paid him. He's rightfully owed. Yeah, I mean, just pay the kids. Let's just fucking get moving. Give them some money.

Listen, we know it's eventually going to get there. With the NCAA, it's probably going to take 100 years. But we're on the wrong side of history here just fucking digging our heels in, so let's just cut to the chase. It's the exact same thing as college football playoffs. Everyone was like, do a playoff, do a playoff, and then they did it, and they wanted to suck their own dick about it.

We've been saying this. They go, right? You guys ready? And you're like, we wanted this in the 80s. Your system, there's multiple dual champions from like fucking 88. Colorado won half of the national title in 1991. It's the closest Colorado's ever came, and it's like, it's a half a title. Yeah, it's fucking dumb.

So pay the kids. Let's get NCAA. More importantly, so you can play your video game. I want an updated PS4 version. One of NCAA's founders quit in the 80s, and this wasn't about the playoff. This was about the pay for play. And he was like, what we're doing is bordering on a criminal. And he's like, so I'm done.

I'm out. And that was forever ago, 40 years ago. And now you look at the brain science coming out of college football and you're like, Oh cool. So all those kids got CTE for nothing. They were literally putting their lives at risk. Now they just get headaches when they walk in the cooler at work.

They get sociology 101 for free. They, uh, $12,000. Oh, they got a sweet communications degree. Oh, that'll make up for it. Oh, you know,000 to go to fucking school. They got a sweet communications degree. That'll make up for it. Oh, you know what CTE cripples?

Communication. You can't fucking talk when your brain's covered in a black goo from smashing your head into another guy for fucking 20 years. It's so ironic

that they give them communications degree and then they're just like... They stay as a non-profit just so they don't have to pay for your health insurance for the rest of your life. They're like players who have broken their backs.

Did I see? I don't know if this is true or not, that they shut down a GoFundMe for the Tennessee State kid. Yep. And he can't. He's not. He's not responsive. They started a fundraiser and they shut it down. NCAA goes, is that an NCAA approved fundraiser?

And you're like, what do you guys want? They go, we just want all the money. I don't want to say it's one of those things like it's almost so fucking ridiculous you have to respect it because i genuinely don't respect it but the fact that they are just such fucking villains i don't know what the word is but it's wild that they just commit to these things like you trying to help a little girl with cancer no trying to help this guy's paralyzed for life no it's in the same uh realm as drug dealers and oil industry workers. You guys know this is all fucking some shit up and they're like, yeah, and I'm all in, baby.

And you're like, god, I hate it. You see my new car? Yeah, I know. Fuck, I respect it. It's really what it's like. It's like a criminal mentality. This is what it is. You're around it and you're like, fuck. I used to live with a guy that sold weed and when the big dogs would come in

you're kind of like, I'm terrified of you and so curious. Right. Like also I want to be you. One of the guys looked like Napoleon Dynamite and so you're like,

look at this guy. But he was on so much blow and would carry around a fucking desert eagle that you were like, oh cool, you got a hand cannon? Awesome.

Yeah. I'm just going to shut up and play fucking NCAA college football. That's what I was playing. 2004. Yeah, 2004. I was fucking in it. Yeah.

What is it? Chris Winky on the cover? Yeah. I'll fucking go for it. Actually, that was 03. I know my shit. Oh, my God. Watch out.

Don't try to correct me. We're still sports, man. Don't try to correct me, Twitter. Yeah, but those guys would get around, and you're kind of like this energy of like, oh, man, you've hurt people real bad. You live a different life than we do. We're not the same species. Being fucking yipped up with a gun just sounds so dangerous.

We got to front throw it. I don't want my phone. I'm not responsible to have my phone on me. I still don't have a fucking gun. A gun? Dude, when I got, there's a, I did a story on This Is Not Happening, Ari Shaffir show, now Roy Wood show on Comedy Central. It's on YouTube. You can see it.

It's a 20 minute story about how I got robbed in hogtied and pistol whipped. Oh shit. Hogtied is a. Dude, it's nuts, man. He hit me with the plastic restraints on my wrists and then duct tape on my feet. He didn't do, as seen being from some colorado wait wait he didn't do a proper hog tie because he didn't connect my wrists to my ankles yeah but i do have to thank him for that uh when you get hit with the zip ties that's some dexter shit yeah the dude had uh i can't move the most impressive thing was

the dude had an army duffel bag that he unraveled that was in his back like he pulled it out and i was like oh you're good at this. And then they fucking cleaned our apartment out. But left a pound of weed in my roommate's bedroom that was under a towel. So when I walked in, I was like, this guy's fucking... He flipped the mattresses and everything. Wait, how old were you? Were you in college?

Yeah, I was 21. So what did they get if they didn't get the drugs? They got five pounds off my roommate and then they got everything that we no. They got five pounds off my roommate. Oh, okay. Then they got, like, everything that we owned. They got, like, all my PS2 games. Shout out to PS2. They got all my fucking DVDs. Was this, like, did you live in a shitty fucking...

Nah, man. It was in Tucson, U of A. We were just going there, and my roommate was, like, the top weed guy there. All right. So that... It was a setup. We know who set us up.

Oh, really? Yeah, we found out. And then I confronted the kid at a bar. At this bar called Dirtbags, where a lot of people drink. I caught the guy drinking. This story's perfect. And I walked up and I was like, what's up, you fat fuck? I think those were my first words. And I go, you set up

my roommate and I. Because I knew him through my roommate. And he's like, I didn't set you up. I was like, yeah, you did. And he goes, what do you want to do about it? And I was like, I want to beat the fuck out of you. He's like, you want to go outside? And I remember I was drinking a highball of rum and coke. And I was like, yeah, he did. He goes, what do you want to do about it? I was like, I want to beat the fuck out of you. He's like, you want to go outside? I remember I was drinking a highball of rum and coke. I was like, I absolutely do. I drank the rest of the fucking coke and I put it down on the bar. We turned around and I was talking shit to him walking to the bar.

I was like, I'm going to go outside and fucking light this dude up. I don't want to fight in the bar because you're not going to get that many shit. I really wanted to fight this dude. I'm like, I'm going to fuck it. We're walking and I'm talking shit to him. I'm like you're not going to get I really wanted to fight this dude And I'm like I'm going to fuck it And we're walking and I'm talking shit to him I'm like I'm going to fuck your fat ass up I'm like you little pig I'm just making fun of him

You can tell the fat stuff is hurting So I'm leaning on that Are you confident you're going to win this fight? I'm a fucking psycho There's just enough of me If I have a reason to fight If I lose, God bless you You earned it

You really earned it I don't like fighting at all I don't like violence But if I want God bless you you earned it you really earned it like that's how I've always I don't like fighting at all I don't like violence but if like I want to fight you it's

I have like a rage in me that's like a psychotic only child rage where you're like I was in solitary confinement I'll throw my shit at you it's like that kind of like

crazy only child energy but I'm talking shit to him and I'm like you know just talking shit matter of fact I'm gonna fuck you up and we walk out front and he looks at the bouncer and goes, this guy's got a knife in the fucking bouncer.

Get the fuck out. Forearm under my chin, right against the wall, and I'm trying to talk. You're trying to explain yourself when you have a giant forearm in your throat. You're like, how the fuck am I going to fight like that? I'm trying to talk the whole time. I'm like, I don't have a knife on me. I don't have a knife on me. He fucking walked away. What a bitch. I was like, I don't have enough of this. I don't have enough of this. He fucking walked away.

What a bitch. Yeah, yeah. And then I caught. Don't play hard, play smart. I got to give a little tap for that. I wish there would have been like a nature narrative on it where he goes, the fool grown down thinks he's going to strike. But what he doesn't know is trickery is in the bag.

He's got an eye. Oh, fuck. I fucking got it on my forearm right through me. And then I caught his little brother at a gas station and scared the shit out of him. I pulled the maglite out of the car and fucking came around the corner on his brother. And he was like, he's never coming back here. He's never coming back here. He left.

He said his brother's name. I liked the little brother. I wasn't going to really fuck him up, but I saw him. I was like, this motherfucker. It was in the summer. It was like three months later. It's like, you'll do. I'll settle for you.

I was like, nah, you know. I've kept that dude's name down. I was going to say, Hatfields and McCoy. He's like, you have the same last name. I'll fuck you up. I don't give a shit. I got that dude's name, his parents' names, and his fucking brother's name. I don't know.

I'm on some Count of Monte Cristo shit. I was going to say, do you think you'll ever get this revenge? In this fight for the next. I will find my revenge. If I fucking get some coin, I'm going to get creative. You better hope the fucking... If I get my own show, that guy's fucked. I'm going to put some of that money away.

Honestly, I think you'd be entirely justified, too. What he did to you is extremely fucked up. Well, he did it to five groups of different college drug dealers. My friend Matt from Boston, who to this day has the greatest line I've ever heard on a voicemail. Not a fucking cell phone voicemail, an actual answering machine. He kind of talked like Rocky, even though he's from Boston. He'd be like, yo, Soda, you want to go smoke a blunt? That's how he talked.

Matt from Boston. He was a Coke dealer. And he called me up in my dorms. I met him my freshman year at U of A. And you still had answering machines. And I'm taking a hangover nap on the top bunk. And it's like freshman year. I think it was like we day drank to watch U of A play UConn basketball.

So it was like you got fucked up. It was great. But then I'm sleeping it off, and I'm having the afternoon hangover, and I just hear my answering machine go, boop. And he goes, hey, Soda, you want to steal some steaks and eat them? And I was like, I mean, because we were so broke, that's like what you do. You go and fucking yoink fucking groceries. Well, he specified eat them.

I'll just steal them. Let's just fucking have some beef. Throw them at windows and let them stick there. So do you want to steal some steaks and eat them? But he got, that same dude set him up and they came in his house and fucking broke his face with the butt of a shotgun. Oh, shit. Like beat him in. Yeah, see like these guys deserve, that dude deserves to die.

And what happened was, I found out the story, this dude owed a certain crime organization, I won't say which city, like, $100,000 from gambling, and he was a rich kid, and he was like, I'm not paying it. And they were like. You gotta give him something? Well, no, like, the threat started coming in, and he was like, I think he got, like, I wanted to fight him in a bar. These guys wanted to murder him.

Yeah. And they're capable of it. I'm capable of getting fucking forearm choked by a giant bouncer who thinks I have a knife. That's where I'm at. So he set up, that was the story I heard, that he set up like five guys to get like drugs and money together. To pay the toll. To like fucking sue the bet.

Jesus Christ. That shit sucks. I had that in college. i was just a roommate i was just a fucking yeah but if you want to see like an in-depth it's like i i turned it into a bit and i did it uh ari shafir heard that story and he was like you gotta fuck yeah that needs to be like a documentary type shit it was nuts man it was like um i uh so i had this journalism class that was during the open mics during the comedy open. And so I had to miss open mics for like three months and I was pissed. So when I got robbed, I told my professor that it actually happened the day after because I wanted to do an open mic.

And I had to fudge the police report that they gave me to give it to my teacher just for a comedy open mic. Because he's like, if you missed more than two classes you failed the class and i missed it once to do stand-up teachers doing that i was just you know i'm gonna knock that out in the first week yeah i mean it's crazy but our class only was on wednesdays so it's like once a week for fucking whatever nine weeks so you could you miss two it was like missing two weeks of class but i was like i gotta do these open mics they moved them from thursday to wednesday and i was like fuck and then i got robbed on a Tuesday, and I fucking changed it to a Wednesday. Because I came back, and he's like, you failed.

I was like, Tucson Police Department says I was the victim of a crime. Tucson Police Department's like, this happened two nights in a row? Oh, my God. What? This guy says it's Tuesday. What? Dude, they came over to interview me, the cops, and I busted out of the plastic restraints, like pure adrenaline.

Oh, you really are a psycho. I thought those were like impenetrable. No, they're not. You, trust me. They're not. If your front door is open and you think the guy might be coming back up the stairs with a gun, you'll snap out of that thing pretty fucking quick. But you'll bruise like a motherfucker. And I had bruises on my wrists from where I fucking like, the bruises were forming as I was like being interviewed by the cops.

So I had to start doing that weird thing where you're like hiding your hands yeah and well why though because it's not because i told the cop that the guy the guy followed me from the bank because the guy's like are you a drug dealer oh god don't believe in this stuff yeah don't like this stuff never even heard of drugs what's that uh sorry you almost knocked over my jerome baker bong but yeah it was one of those things where... So you just make up this lie that you just had some cash on you walking back from the bank. I was like, I don't know. I didn't lie.

I just told them what happened to me that day. I was at Wells Fargo. I came home. These guys showed up. He's like, do you deal drugs? I was like, I do not deal drugs. I was answering like a lawyer. That's a fact, right?

I was like, I do not deal drugs. Did they say, like, does your roommate? He was like a lawyer. That's a fact, right? I was like, I do not deal drugs. Did they say, like, does your roommate? He was like, okay. He just gave me like that fucking pissed off parent look that sometimes cops can have because they're authoritative figures. He was like, okay. I'm like, I am not a drug dealer. And then I find out that five other robberies happened. So he's probably like, all right, we're trying to solve this.

Right. This is a big deal. Just tell me. I don't fucking care about you smoking weed, you idiot. Dude, I called my mom. My mom fucking, she, moms have a way of fucking your shit up more than anybody. I called her and I told her what happened. My mom and I are cool as shit.

So she knew I was living with Amir. Fuck, I brought her boyfriend a half ounce back with me from Amir. Like, I don't know, I got some good Canadian shit, Keith. He's like, thanks, Dan. You're like, you're a fucking idiot. But I called my mom and I was like, yo, I got robbed. Amir and I got robbed. And I told her what happened.

And she goes, yeah, at least it wasn't the DEA. She's like, you'd be in fucking prison for 25 years. And I was like, why am I so cold on the inside? I almost got boofed my whole life. Yeah, it was fucking crazy. You're not wrong, Mom. No, my mom said that. I was like, God damn, nailed it, Trish.

I got mugged when I was at Fordham. He's going to run. Bye. I got mugged when I was at Fordham. Later, bro. And I told my mom that I just got, you know, that some guy ran up on me. Yeah. And I didn't tell her that the guy had a gun and, like, put it up in my neck. And somebody

like, in passing, that I did tell, told my mom that. Yeah. And she was like, she broke down in such a way. I was like, alright, whatever, I got mugged, whatever. But like you said, your parents can fuck you up when they say some shit. But my mom's... She was like, the way she dropped it on me, just like, you could have died and this, that, and the other thing. And I was like,

you're right, I never going to leave the house I need to transfer him off oh your baby almost died yeah for me it was my mom's like my mom is a seven year old woman with the innards of John J Rambo like the way my mom holds herself she's like

you field dress it and you get back out there right so when I said that shit it was more like she was more like well it could have been the goddamn DEA game. Right, stop fucking crying about it, baby. Oh, cool. Oh, your wrist hurt? But then my mom's a G. My mom's a fucking true G, and she was like, let me see if your stuff is covered on my insurance plan because you're still a college kid.

Hey. And then I got homeowner's insurance. What about that? Fucking went and got some new PS2 games. I got to replace my stash. I swear to God, I bought high-top Reeboks to play basketball with. Hell yeah. And fucking, and like The Punisher on PS2.

I remember which games I bought. And then a couple new shirts. And I was like, I'm good. Yo, that's parenting right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When the chips are down and you're like, all right, figure this out. I got you. But it's been my mom and I my whole life.

So that's kind of how our relationship's always been. It's like, we got this. Party's a crime type shit. Yeah, you're like, you know, some shit's gone real bad. And you're like, we're cool. We're cool. I think it's like the same mentality a football team has to have like the first six weeks. Like the Niners right now.

We have the same mentality. Like, we're going to get through this. It's just C.J. Beathard this season. It's just, we got to be cool. We'll be fine. You just got to get used to it. Dip your composure. Dip and dunk.

To quote Reuben Foster, he's no Rudy Poo. So, yeah, it's like that mentality. Hung her down. So when I got robbed, she was just like, all right, let's fucking try to get some money back. Let's try to see if we can get you some fucking kicks and some new video games. That's an OG mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. True story.

She goes through it.'s uh let's get to these voicemails we'll bang out a couple me and dan here fight's had to run so that's why you won't hear him but uh we'll hear from the people left good evening kfc fidelberg and super producer bc uh got a quick one for you i am an uber driver it is currently like 2.30 in the morning on a Thursday to Friday. I just dropped a couple off after a dinner party. Not a long ride, but the whole ride. They're running through the guest list, just shitting on everybody. This person sucks.

That person's corny. They said corny a lot, which made me think they themselves were corny um the food sucked the steak was no good the tuna sucked uh you know normal stuff after a party and then the the wife drops the bomb one of the couples at the party the wife makes her husband sit down when he pees, no matter what, every time, so the kids don't hear it. What? I almost fell out of the car when she said that. What? I'd love to hear what you guys have to say about this.

Thanks. Let me just address one thing. One thing, the difference between an asshole couple and a fun couple is the fun couple will trash the guest list, but then appreciate the food and everything that they provided. Right, right. You hate the people, but you appreciate what you got. You don't really hate the people. But you're going to judge them. You just trash them with your partner because that's what that's for. Absolutely.

You're like, is this this? And they're like, yeah, that's that. Right. You're like, but great spread. Right. Love the two. Right. Right. Did you have some is this this? And they're like, yeah, that's that. Right. You're like, but great spread. Right. Love the two. Right. Right.

Did you have some of that wine? It was some legit wine. Oh, man. God damn. Cheryl is a bitch. If you're a dick about the free stuff provided to you, you're a dick. You're the dick. But if you just trash on basically all your friends behind their back, what's the name

of the game? That's called life. Every single one of my friends, I try to think of what angle they've shit on me. Yeah. Right. And I do not take it personally. the name of the game. That's called life. Every single one of my friends, I try to think of what angle they've shit on me for. Yeah, right. And I do not take it personally. I always have that moment where I'm like,

wow, I just did like a solid 25 minutes ragging on everybody. They're probably doing the same thing about me. Oh, Dave. What are they saying? If you have one finger pointed, there are 20 more coming back at you.

Yep, yep. They got angles on you that you wouldn't even think it would hurt. It would hurt so bad if you found out. Like things that you don't even know about yourself.

Oh, man. Do I do that? Ron Bennington just jokingly made a joke where he's like, yeah, Soda, bring it back about yourself. I was like, I do it. I do that. I do that. Fuck, I do that. You're right.

It's the modern day getting your wind knocked out. You're like, I can't talk right now. You hit me right in the soul place. It's so true when people hit you with the truth. Fuck, it hurts. Yeah, just get louder, Kevin, when you're not actually telling a funny joke. Just raise your voice. That'll do it. People understand

as a comic, that's what Twitter is. All the time. Why don't you lift your hand up? I remember the first time I did Conan, I read the YouTube comments like a moron, and it was like, this guy's stage presence, and it's like, who the fuck are you? Panda99? Are you doing stand-up on the

regular what does lift your hand mean i don't know he's not like doing he's like his stage body because i wasn't lifting my hand up to tell the joke i was like he's fucking idiots but anyways so the peeing down to it's sitting down to pee sitting down to pee i thought at first this was just like some dominant shit like you sit you sit down to pee in my house. I thought it was like some sex ed shit. I thought it was some Chuck Rhodes, Wendy Rhodes shit from Billions where I'm like, okay. Never has a show come in more hot than Billions, by the way. That scene is just holy shit.

Like you're in for a ride. Season four gets some good shit. Yeah? Yeah. I love Wendy. She does it for me. I mean. It's weird because it's your coworker, but boy, she does it for me. I mean, she it's your co-worker, but boy, she does it for me.

I mean, she is the hottest person. I mean, yeah, I don't know. Just every time I see her, I'm like, I'm an eighth grader again. I'm just like, hi. I don't know. Snacks are good. I stay up late. That's pretty cool.

I don't have a bedtime. I don't have a bedtime. Hey, Maggie, I don't have a bedtime. She's like, cool, dude. Get away from me, freak. Weirdo. I'm like have a bedtime. She's like, cool, dude. Get away from me, freak. Weirdo. I'm so sorry. But then I hear that it sounds like they have little young babies who are asleep.

I'm in. Like, you do anything to keep your fucking kids asleep. So that's why she's doing it. I would assume if she said so, the kids don't hear it. I'm thinking, because I got little kids where it's like, you know, I never sat down to pee, but it's like, don't flush the toilet. Don't close the door. Don't make any fucking sound.

I mean, there have been times I'll wake up, I know the whole house is asleep, and I would just stay in my bed, just staring, being like, well, I'm not going to move because then they're going to wake up. It's like almost bumping into a sculpture. Like, oh, oh, oh, God, I almost knocked this thing over. Pretty much.

Oh, really? I mean, literally just staring at the ceiling and being like, well, I'm wide awake and I would love to go watch some TV or get some work done or just live. I'm going to stay here until they are awake too. That's something I never think about as a single man that lives with another single man. It will fuck your world.

I just go and rip a piss with the door open. Of course. And I'm like, you hear that stream? It's a powerful stream. I'm halfway through my 30s and that stream is still powerful. I'm the opposite. I'm sitting there like pinching it off. I'm trying to pee in that backboard area area yeah between the water and the actual seat you got to glean

the cube yeah yeah you got to piss on the side oh yeah hooks around yeah i mean just imagine you're dropping into an empty pool on a skateboard i'm on the half pipe yeah you just want to drop in you don't want to fucking land no you'll fucking die absolutely but so you're hitting that window and then all of a sudden

you know you lose track of your stream and it hits the water and it's like and I pinch it off like did anybody hear it and then it fills up

I'm like let it go again it's a whole process if my wife wanted that I think you could find a fun couples activity to learn how to piss quietly.

She's like, I'm not sitting pissing down. You're not taking my masculinity away from me like that. And then she's like, all right, let's find a way to make this work. Because women are always fascinated with soft penises. Yeah, it's weird. Because hard penises are such a threat all the time. If they're not pleasurable, they're a threat, which I understand. It's like a hard penis is like if rhinos horns went soft, we would kind of be like, I want to touch it. Yeah, I're a threat which i understand it's like a hard penis is like if rhinos if rhinos horns went soft we would kind of be like i want to touch it yeah like i touch it yeah i'm

not threatened by this thing at all i remember one time my ex-girlfriend was laying in bed she's like can i just play with your dick and i was like yeah i mean sure it's gonna get hard yeah you're eventually you're gonna have like a like a 45 second window here that's about it it's like a bank robbery like you get in you mush it around a little bit, and then you get out, where there are going to be some real problems. Daniel, listen to me. You grab that thing. Do not grab it full hand. It's like explaining an animal

and they bring an animal into a classroom. You do not touch this thing. You do not wrap your thumb around. That is an aggressive stance. Just keep your hand soft, palm touching. But yeah, you could, like, with your wife, be like, let's learn how keep your hands soft, palm touching. But yeah, you could like with your wife, be like, let's learn how to piss. Like, aim it.

Aim my pee. So we're going to, you hold my dick while I pee? Yeah, do a wraparound. Maybe even go underneath. Dude, a reach around. They really are fascinated with the soft penis just because I don't think they have much experience with it. Because in my experience, I've always said, once a woman sees your soft penis, you have to marry her. Because you have to hide that shit as long as you possibly can

because every soft penis is the worst penis it's a head without a toupee my my dick is all right my soft dick is a fucking disaster i was uh the girl i'm dating i was she was in bed and i was sitting naked on the side of the bed and this is why i know i like her as i go hey look how small i can make my dick she goes what, what? Tuck it in? Yeah. And it goes in. I did the cannonball thing, and I go, look, look. And she goes, wow.

That's really tiny. It disappears. She goes, it's just your head. And then I go, yeah. And she goes, whoa. I know. I know. 35 years, this thing doesn't get old.

Still every day. She's the winner. When you can confidently, or at least just, you're not going to get roasted for your small dick. I mean, yeah, that's like a thing if a girl's like, oh my God. You're like, ah, ah. You're done. Yeah, look, I can make it harder. It's going to get harder.

It's going to be bigger, I swear. I have to swim with a shirt on now for the next two years. You just fucking warped my brain. Oh my God. You're like, no, no, not opening. I tell people that at comedy shows. That's like when people have their arms folded in the front row of a comedy show.

You're like, yeah, it's not good for comedy. No. Can you open up a little bit for me here? Go clown. Make me laugh. Yeah, if it's fucking dumb. Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron delivers farm fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door because they want to make cooking at your house accessible to everyone.

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You redo your whole loan. And I mean, honestly, you'll change your life forever by doing that. Hey, guys. All right. So is it rude To masturbate Next to your boyfriend while he's sleeping Cause you don't want to wake him up to have sex

Thanks Well I mean You just heard the guy go Who are you talking about She'll wake him up with a voicemail But she won't wake him up to fuck him She goes anyways I'm about to rattle my clit.

This fucking sack of bricks. He goes, babe, what's up? She goes, oh, hey. Oh, you. You woke up, huh? I thought you were asleep. Yeah. Oh, look who's here.

He goes, wait, were you really? Yeah, masturbate. Yeah, I mean, go for it. I would prefer if maybe you just kept that a secret. If I know that every night you wait until I go to sleep to fucking blast off rather than have sex with me, that stinks. That sucks. Yeah, but do a one-knock check. Yeah.

Just kind of be like, you know, touch him a little bit. Well, it sounds like she just doesn't even want to have sex with him, though, so she's not even checking. That's the problem. You got to be, like, a good hitting coach. You got to be, like, a good first base coach. You got to, like, check. Like, you know, like, check with your coach. Like, do you want to bargain?

It's like, swing for the fences? All right. Yeah, yeah, right. coach. You gotta check. Check with your coach. You want to swing for the fences? Alright. Yeah, yeah. Right. Well, that's when you do the... This girl wants no parts. She's probably like, are you awake? Oh, no, he's not. He's not. Okay, so I'm good to go. Hey, do you want to fuck? Okay, no. I can do it myself because I'm so much better at this than you are. Okay, my dildo. I'm gonna go sit in my Vietnamese fuck swing.

Just like... He wakes up. He's like, what are you doing?'s like oh you're out I'm exercising this is new Pilates he goes babe you're gonna wake me up

yeah you're right she didn't want to fuck him that's not great but if you told me that you just masturbate when I'm asleep

I won't be mad really but if you tell me that it's because I absolutely don't want to fuck you I think if it's

a once in a while thing but if it's like if you wait for me to go to sleep every night instead of sex. I took it as like, she was saying like once in a while. Yeah. Then that's fine. It's like every night I roll over like, I guess we didn't get to have sex again.

She's most likely in the mood. And I go to sleep and then she's like, I'm so in the mood, I'm going to finger myself. Well, that sucks. Oh, man. That's not a great vibe. Dude, that wakes up. That's not great. If you wake up and your partner's jerking off, man or woman, you have fucked up

somehow. Right. That's the thing. So if you're going to do it, be fucking quiet. Because I don't want to catch you. Or get it greenlit. It's like a mafia murder. You have to check with the families. And you're like, can I make this hit? And you're like, the Don

respects you want to flick your bean. Wait till we're asleep. It's like one of those things. As opposed to like, you went out of pocket and jerked off when I was sleeping. And then now we got a whole war. Yeah, I don't know what voices those are, but you get the point. You get the point. It had some fucking shade to it.

Yeah, I would say just try to wake him up once. And if he doesn't, then just fucking get it. Wise words of wisdom from Dan Soder. You on the road still? Can they get tickets? Or're wrapping up you said non-stop non-stop dan soda dot com is this coming out when is it coming out next week so i'll be in dc at the comedy draft house dc draft house uh thursday friday saturday and sunday i'll be at mcgoobies in baltimore all with shane gillis and then if you're in San Diego, American Comedy Company, Friday and Saturday night, the 19th and 20th. Billions Season 4 eventually will be out.

Shit. Bonfire series. We're like three episodes in right now, so we've got a while to film. Okay. We've got a minute. We film until March. But yeah, Bonfire, Monday through Thursday, 6 to 8 p.m., Comedy Central Radio, Sirius XM 95.

Thanks, brother. You guys are the best.