KFC Radio - Josh Wolf, KFC's Stand-Up Set, and Does He Think I'm A Hooker?

Episode Date: June 25, 2019

Josh Wolf comes through to talk about encouraging KFC to do stand-up, old man nudity, drying balls with hand drier, Patrick Ewing's big dick, the marijuana industry, and 1 fake tit. KFC talks with Feits about his stand-up debut. Voicemails include: doggy playdate, I'm not a hooker, and charging for the round You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio presented by Postmates, brought to you by SeatGeek. Summertime is here. That means you're going to want to go out to maybe an outdoor concert. Maybe you've got to take a date out to a comedy event. You want to go see your favorite band. Yeah, maybe a little stand-up comedy.

Anytime there's live entertainment, Seat right over there i was this interrupted me was that in the way i was trying to yeah nope definitely right into the microphone okay well i apologize for that um i was eating you were telling me a disgusting story and like it's just it's now just not just it's not battling i'm like keeping it down right now i've never had a meal ruined quite like you ruined that meal for me technically i didn't it was the person i was telling you about it was the story was coming from your mouth uh anyway live entertainment c geek is the best place to buy and sell the tickets on the secondary market because number one it's guaranteed you won't have any fraudulent tickets you won't get scammed to be an idiot who's just standing there with a piece of paper that gets you nowhere.

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your first SeatGeek purchase. That's promo code KFC, $10 off your first purchase. Maybe you can go see me doing stand-up, John. That's right. You are officially a comedian? No. Why not? You did stand-up, John. That's right. You are officially a comedian? No. Why not? You did stand-up comedy. Well, let's make the porn star conversation.

You do porn once. You're a porn star. You make a sex tape. Are you a porn star? No. But you're not a porn star, but you're a pornography actor. I'm an actor. Yeah.

I'm a porn actor? I mean, if you make a sex tape, you're a porn actor. No. No, no, no. If you make one that's publicly put out. Intentionally, for consumption, you become a porn actor. No. If you make one that's publicly put out. Intentionally, for consumption, you become a porn actor. Right. Yeah, you're not a star.

You're an actor. Your stand-up special, or a bit, was intentionally for consumption. True. True. So you are not a famous stand-up comedian. Well, I guess, actually, kind of you are. Because you're already famous. I'm a famous, comma, stand-up comedian.

It's not a famous stand-up comedian. Yeah, man. It was a wild scene. I texted Feidelberg um friday morning i i honestly it was like uh you know like in a relationship i was like i gotta i gotta tell now in case he finds out from somebody else it was i mean it was it was yeah it was kind of bullshit you were like you're doing what tonight it was you were like casually it became clear to me that you had talked about this with Casey. And prior to you telling me about it.

No. I texted you in the morning. No, you were the first person to find out. When I texted you, nobody else knew. Okay, so I guess you texted with Casey around the same time then. I remember when you came into radio, it was like she didn't miss a beat. She was ready to start talking about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you knew first.

Okay. You knew first. That's good. Thank you, sir. You're yeah, yeah, but you knew first. Okay. You knew first. That's good. Thank you, Tor. You're still number one, boo. So how was it? It was a trip. So I didn't tell anybody because I was just like,

I want to get this first one out of the way. Josh Wolfe is... You say first one. Are you going to... I think so. Yeah? I think I'm going to try more. Yeah.

You got the bug? I got the itch. I got a little bit of the itch. Yeah. I mean, I want to do more of our shows live, and I figure – so I just want to, like, dive into the live world kind of. But I still have to figure out how to do it because I'm not a stand-up comedian, and that was, like, very clear. Josh was the one who put me on. He's been trying to make me do it for, like, a couple years now, and he finally was like, I'm coming to New York.

And I have a whole interview with Josh at the end of this episode he's he's fucking hilarious and then uh the the last half of that interview we talk about he he busts my balls about getting up on stage so that was what was funny that's why i was nervous you and you'll hear it in this the interview was friday afternoon before i went on stage and he was like you're gonna bomb bro like when i when i saw him he was like are you ready for tonight and i was like yeah i'm nervous he was like yeah you should be basically i was like fuck and he said to me he was like uh are you doing the early show the late show and i was like i don't know man you tell me it's your show and he was like well uh the the first show there'd be very tight on time i'm gonna like keep you you know tight and and the second show the crowd is a

little more forgiving i was like fuck i'm already gonna need to be asking for forgiveness dude oh i thought i would think the opposite i would think the crowd just like has a couple drinks to them yeah they're like heckle you back yeah no i guess not i guess i guess they're a little more chill but so he he did not set me at ease when i when i uh when i first saw him and you'll hear that very much in the interview i was like fuck man now i'm nervous but he he's been pushing me forever and he was like i have a show in new york in june you're doing it and i fully planned on canceling it absolutely was going to cancel it and then i just don't i just don't have a reason not to you know i have time now uh we have our own shows coming up and so that's actually the main reason i did it because you said this when you did uh live radio in st louis you realized how like not nervous you were that's what i needed

to see because like so much has changed since the last time we were on stage and i was nervous as fuck last time i was sweating and i was like stuttering and stammering but we have done like show live radio and we've we've just come a longer way and i also just give so much less of a fuck about life after everything so i'm like let's find out where we stand so i'm at the club i get there like 7 30 to go on at 8 and i was like the whole time i was nervous like i was i went down to like the green room and i'm hanging out with josh and the dude who opened for him elton and uh they're just like shooting the shit hanging out and i'm trying like with like one year i'm like listening to them and like half my brain is contributing to the conversation and the other half i'm just like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

and josh even said he's like yeah like so like in your head this whole time you've been running through your set you haven't been listening at all right yeah yeah fuck what you guys are talking about over here i'm just trying to be polite and that's why i don't want it i didn't want anybody to come because i felt like if anybody was there with me they'd be talking and all that shit and i just wanted to sit there and run through like the material the material it was five fucking minutes it was like three jokes but that feels like forever forever like five minutes is you know what it's funny it feels like forever but then also so when we first talked he was like you want to come up on stage and do like 10 minutes and i was like i don't know that sounds like a lot 10 minutes and he was like why don't you do like he

was like but five is short so he said like seven i was like all right minutes and i was like i don't know that sounds like a lot 10 minutes and he was like why don't you do like he's like but five is short so he said like seven i was like all right cool and i did like i made like a seven minute set and then uh the day of he's like yo they're gonna be really tight on time it's gonna be like five minutes you cut two minutes off of seven minutes that's like you're cutting off a huge chunk of it so i actually ended up having to like adjust some of it on the fly which is really fucking hard it's like all i had done was like memorize and spit it as it was and then he's waving the flashlight at me like they gave me like the one minute light and i was like well i have a whole other section to do so i had to cut it all in half i ended up cutting out my best fucking jokes but it was uh josh was like don't don't be you know a uh you're not like a punchline stand-up

comedian i just get up there and like tell stories so it's kind of what i did but i do i in hindsight i was sitting there uh i got there a little early and before i was down in the green room i was just kind of sitting like in the crowd almost as the crowd like filed in i sat in the back and i start to see some people file in and like some of josh's crowd is a little bit older he's been around for a while so like some like old moms and dads who are like out on a date together are filing in, and I was like, oh, I didn't think about that at all. I didn't think once about who was going to be in the crowd, you know.

And Josh lets it fly, but he's not like a – I don't know. He's not like a fucking deviant like we are, you know. So I was like, oh, shit. Like that's going to be interesting. So, you know, I'm up there and I'm talking about, you know, assholes and porn and divorce and dating and shit. And I think they were a little bit like, whoa. So what we're going to do is I have a video of it. We're going to put it up on Barstool Gold and then we're going to make a video.

We're going to watch it and kind of critique it and react to it. I tell you what was going on behind the scenes john can kind of give his two cents it'll be like reviewing it'll be like gruden's gruden's grinders yeah like review i'm probably gonna roast you yeah there's definitely some moments to roast maybe i won't and i'll just let it speak for itself there's definitely a couple moments that that fall flat for sure uh so i still have like absolutely no idea what you told me like twice you mentioned asshole so i feel like it's gonna be a pretty prominent piece of it but other than that i have no idea what's on i i'm excited i have i'm going completely blind to that video barstoolgold.com slash kc the people who have watched it who are all like my friends

like i sent it to a handful of guys uh and they all were like that was good man that's good you seem comfortable and you know but what are they going to say? No one's going to text me back, like, that fucking sucked, dude. But yeah, you know, Josh said some interesting shit, because he was saying, one of the toughest things to do, although it's very prevalent in comedy now, I guess, just based on the demographics of it all, he's like, you're a nondescript white guy.

So nobody knows what to expect when you get on stage you could go a million different directions like a big fat guy gets on stage like you probably know you're gonna get some fat jokes you know what i mean like a like a hipster like goth chick gets on stage you can you know you're gonna you can guess what you're gonna hear i stand up there just like this skinny fat white blob and it's like right oh that yeah in a weird way just like the average white man is like what are we gonna get here so when you come in hot and i'm talking about like porn and my mom and assholes and sex and divorce there huh yep yeah you know i think some people

were like whoa rather than just he can really switch gears yeah so i mean i said it was a little bit like uh marty mcfly at the enchantment under the sea dance when he plays johnny be good and everyone's just like what the fuck was that but there was a couple moments where i didn't i never got like any like raucous laughter but there was a couple moments where i put things in there that were very much like blog jokes like when i write a blog i try to think of something that like this is going to be something that everybody is like oh yeah i do that too or yeah that's exactly right and I had a couple moments where I said those lines and the guys in the front row,

like were like their lies lit up, like, Oh shit, like you do that too. And there was one time a girlfriend pointed at her, a girl pointed at her boyfriend and was like, you do do that. And I was like,

fine, done. I'm happy to see like, even if just two people reacted like that. And, uh, and, and,

and, you know, in my mind, I guess it was as long as I wasn't like sweating and shaking. So it's really, it was really much more about July 10th, which is the KFC radio show. So we're getting back on stage, and we'll be adding a second date. That sold out pretty quick. So we'll add, I guess, once a month we'll do it.

So maybe an August show, and we'll see how it goes. Josh, I mean, Josh gets up on stage after me, well, after his opener, Elton. Did the opener or Josh mention you? Josh gets up on stage after me well after his opener Elton did the opener or Josh mention you so well first of all I mean like immediately like whoa so if no one did

no no no if that didn't happen I think you did pretty good and then actually later in Josh's set he mentioned me just on the fly being like I was talking to Kevin about this earlier and it was like if that was all you had to say about me like he wasn like, I was talking to Kevin about this earlier and it was like, if that was all you had to say about me, like he wasn't like, I was talking to Kevin earlier, that guy who bombed earlier, you know, he was just like no news is good news

I do feel like, I do feel bad for his opener Elton though, because, you know, the opener is supposed to like, prime the crowd for you, and I was technically opening for him, and I didn't, you know, they didn't laugh, so he was probably like, well in cold coming in like i gotta wake you guys back up for josh here but i mean josh got up there and did like an hour-long set 45 minutes of it was like new

like brand new shit and you wouldn't even know it's unbelievable he was like i think i'm gonna try some new shit tonight and he just started telling stories that were actually some of the stuff we said on the podcast which you'll hear today and he just worked it into his set and i was just like fuck you man just fuck you dude that is so it's just another level of comfort we've done like we've had to have one of the few comedians where they come in and you think you're just having great conversation with them but no but that's the thing they're working they're working with you on it no but well yes and no this time i think it actually was like a good conversation that he was like i can do that on stage most of the time i think we we thought it was like oh this is the first time you're ever saying it and they were just running game on us this was like i'm trying new shit out i'm gonna

add that conversation we had earlier that was pretty funny we we were so confident in ourselves that we were like we were trying to reason with it after after bill bear like no i still think it was like bill like he performed it at the garden Garden. No, I think we were the ones who brought it up. That is a harsh reality that we have since learned that comedians are constantly running material on you. So all in all, very cool experience. Happy I did it. And it's on, do we know when we're going to put it on gold?

Barstoolgold.com. I guess let's, no, because I guess we've got to make sure. Do you think we should put going to put it on gold? Barstoolgold.com. I guess let's know because I guess we got to make sure. Do you think we should put a video of it just alone out and then a video of us breaking it down? Or the only way you get to see it is if you watch us break it down? Both. Yeah, all right. So then let's say as of right now, the video itself will be up. And then when we get time, we'll make the breakdown video.

Also, a new one thing I learned came out yesterday. Ooh, which story is it this time? When I was at hockey camp, and kids just kept sliding swastikas under my door, but I didn't get it. This is the birth of the fake Jew. The artwork is very funny. It's like a bunch of Nazi kids. It is.

Nazi youths on this week's The One Thing I Learned. Yeah, it's very, very funny. And I just kept going to the locker room. They must be like, oh, he's going to be so pissed. What's up, boys? Thanks for the artwork. So go to barstoolgold.com slash KFC. You can watch the stand-up.

You can watch The One Thing I Learned. And we got the breakdown, the game tape breakdown coming later as well. What do you got? I had this. Worst training experience in the world? Something like that? Yeah. Yeah.

It was, yeah. Worst training experience in the world delivered by Postmates. Postmates, when you need wine, when you want sushi, when you want breakfast, when you need some ibuprofen. I could, maybe you owe me breakfast, I think, because maybe you should Post i think because maybe you should post because you're a little boy who can't handle i mean by now how are you do you still have a soft stomach when it comes to a sex story i have i have a very soft stomach particularly when i'm eating i can see it from here particularly when i'm eating eggs yeah that was i i mentioned the word like squishy i think and you were eating like fluffy soft

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Um, yeah. So while you were doing your standup special, I was on a train and it was it was it was the worst training experience i've ever had because it was so first of all it started and the i sat down and the kid i i always i don't like i don't go looking for seats you know people do that people get on a train like they'll walk seven cars to like try and find two empty seats so they can have one by itself i don't fucking care i just sit in the first spot oh i

don't yeah if i if i you're what you're alone yeah yeah i'll just i just sit down me too some people just be like i've seen walking back and forth like i can't find can't find a double spot just sit anywhere man absolutely especially like a train from new york to boston it's a fucking gonna be a full train just shut up and sit down absolutely but so i sit down and uh very quickly a kid's like yo do you live like down in the financial district i was like no he's like man you look like you're so familiar and i was like yeah i don't know i don't live there he's like are you sure i'm like now and at this point you don't want to be the guy who's like right i'm not gonna be from bar yo he had he had his laptop open he had barstool open there was a fucking

picture of me on the page it was like the podcast had gone up. I'd done like the Barstool Gold Blog. I did the Barstool Gold Blog, went to the train station. So it's like there's still like the top page. It's featured. It's on the carousel. Like, bro, just look at how you just look down. Stop asking me where you know you're from and just look at the fucking.

And he wasn't serious. Like, I mean, he wasn't joking around. I could tell. Yeah. Sometimes you can tell. Genuinely, where are you from? Come on, where are you from? And you'd want to just be like, fucking and he wasn't serious like he like i mean he wasn't joking around i could tell yeah sometimes you can tell like where are you from come on where are you and you don't want to just be like bro right there point at it look at your fucking computer you goddamn idiot but see that actually wouldn't have been such an issue if the rest of the day didn't go so poorly right it was like we had we had an armchair battle uh an armrest battle but it got to the point where i think flirting where it's just like we're just very

gently touching and every time like the train would bump we'd kind of like gently gently rub and i was like this is getting to the point where it's like weird but i'm not packing i think i'm gonna have to kiss this guy i'll go gay for this armrest bro we'll be dating by the end of the train ride i didn't even care about the armrest i I didn't want the armrest. I just didn't want him to win because he had frustrated me so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like – That's the true essence of an armrest battle. It's not really the armrest.

It's the principle. There were so many things about him. I had three hours of this. So I grew to really despise him. He was dressed like he was going to the beach. But you're on the fucking train, man. Yeah, you're not there yet. I hate people who travel in their destination clothes. Like fucking train, man. Yeah, you're not there yet. I hate people who travel like in their destination clothes.

Yeah. Like, no, man. We were leaving New York City. Why are you wearing a bathing suit and flip flops? All right. And he was, it was just, and the worst part of it was when, probably like two and a half hours in, he was like, hey, man, do you mind getting up? I'm going to go get the drink, hit the drink cart.

About that time. And I was like, he doesn't even do you mind getting up? I'm going to go get the drink, hit the drink cart about that time. And I was like, he doesn't even know we're in a war right now. Like, he's willing to just get up and leave this. What are you making jokes with me for? We're enemies. Do you not get it? This reminds me of, like, when you're on the highway and you're driving. You ever, like, pick out random cars to race?

Oh, yeah. But they don't know you're racing. Yeah, exactly. And this guy was just like, yeah, I'm hanging out with this doppelelganger from the financial district i know i didn't think anything of it like i was like you like i'm for an hour and a half i've been fantasizing about murdering you and you're just it was so when he got up did you just like fully establish dominance no why not i don't know you're an idiot i did your opening that well i guess that was the time too yeah but it was yeah that was the time too it was as bad a night as you had apparently well

not a bad night but you know a bomb i had a bomb you bombed i i didn't you bombed on your armrest more than i bought on stage okay i mean i i'm just i i haven't seen it so i'm saying maybe you you didn't get any laughs people laugh okay i didn't i didn't have any moments where the crowd was you're just you're explaining it and you're just not using the word bomb but you're describing a bomb actually you're like i felt bad for the oprah because everyone was freezing cold and like no one laughed at all that's what you call bomb let me tell you this actually i'll tell you this and i never really got confirmation from josh i was like yo that was like i got a rush and i feel like uh i feel like you know next time up like like i didn't want to i didn't want to do it and then never go up there again so i was like i

gotta get back on stage like right away or i'm gonna like lose this you know so i was like can i do the late show too that's like that's when he told me he has a little bit more time so maybe i could work those jokes back in people more forgiving maybe i'll get some laughs he was like yeah fuck yeah let's do it man and then like he does the first show and in between shows they they start up again and i was like oh is that oh we're starting again like i should be ready and he was like hey they uh they they said that they have like a a festival like a late night festival show coming in after me so like they're gonna they're still gonna be tight on time they didn't want to do a guest spot this time and i was like oh all right cool yeah i didn't realize it was like

something on after you and then uh he finished and and there was there was nothing on after him like they were sweeping the fucking floors and vacuuming up i was like oh okay yeah sure man sure we were just like standing there in the hallway like smoking some weed there were no more fans coming in like it was it was over so it was not enough to uh the club wasn't exactly like yeah we got to get this new guy back up there so yeah maybe you're right maybe maybe maybe we both thought so this guy comes back with his drink and just you guys resume resume flirting arm flirting yeah the thing what the fuck it's so easy to share an armrest i don't understand why someone's got to go in front someone's got to go in back right it's so simple and also i think even bigger than that is um using your elbow your elbow is designed to like

share an armrest you have like the hook half the the outside half goes on the you got particularly pointy elbows i i have um you got a pointy ass elbow i had it yeah look at that thing yeah that looks like a testicle You catch one of these Upside the fucking head For real man That would fuck you up Like you know how like Look at that thing

It looks like a bone spur I had I had like really Fucked up elbows in high school You have really fucked up elbows now Your elbows don't change No no no I would get

I always I never got new Elbow pads I used like the same elbow pads in hockey like seven years like a mite yeah so like i would i guess like shocking hurting hitting them enough ended up like damaging it where i i would it was called a popeye's elbow i think yeah you don't have a popeye um but it would like it would burst the

sax would explode so i would i would walk around like basically every single day after a game i would walk around like basically every single day after a game i would walk around with like a ball like this and i'd have to go get a train they're like well just get new elbow pads like that these these ones work these are fine they clearly do not work they're they're they're not guarding your elbow i would like schedule doctor's appointments like i've got a game so i'm Got a game. So I need my elbow drained on Saturday. But anyway, what I'm saying is you like, you know how you have like two parts of elbow? I mean, kind of not really because like you, you have fucked up. I'm out.

Out. You don't, you don't have. First of all, you do it right here where I'm rubbing it. Like the two. Oh, like the soft spot in between. Yeah. Your funny bone. That's your funny bone.

Yeah. That's, that's where you should rest an arm. You want me to put my funny bone on the fucking. Yep's how you said well i i don't know what you're talking about and you clearly have fucked up elbows what you need to realize is that an armrest is not for your whole arm it is just for your elbow so if you go like the full length that's when you're going to get arm flirting if i go if you turn it in and i go back and you go front and then we're both good right and also while i was doing this too just speaking of the hating thing i was reading there is nothing that gives you an air

of superiority like reading reading it like i was like when you're like when you're like when someone like interrupts you and you're just like yes just like i was sitting there you almost need a pair of glasses low on your nose can i help you i'm reading my book i was like just why don't you just go watch netflix You fucking peasant. He's simple. That's, that's book at the bar guy. I still get tweets about that to this day.

We did one episode like three years ago talking about being a guy who, who reads a book at the bar. And every time someone sees it, they take a picture because there is an air of mystery and superiority. Girls are like, what's up with that guy? And guys are like, what the fuck does this guy think?

Meanwhile, you might not even be reading. You might just be staring at the words, waiting for someone to come over. Yeah. The book guy. John is now a mysterious superior book guy. I carry three books in my backpack. You're basically, you're fucking, you're a moron.

Let's get into some voicemails, and then we'll do Josh Wolfe. Voicemails today are brought to you by Felix Grey Glass. You've got to get yourself a pair of Felix Gre grays and then you have them resting low on your nose you can seem smart you could look cool uh i popped on a pair of glasses the other day and some who was it someone in the office was like completely thrown for a loop like it totally fucked with them so i feel like i i need i need the glasses i need i needed to just i mean maybe i'll go on stage next time wearing glasses and it'll help with my non-descriptness you you would look like a quote-unquote i hate the word hipster if you have glasses probably like you have like uh if i if i have like the black rim like even

it's like it's like a short sleeve sweatshirt yeah i can't i can't do that i can't be a hipster felix gray you gotta find me a pair of glasses that don't make me look like a hipster but the best part about felix gray glasses is they're going to save your eyeballs they filter out 90 of the high energy blue light and the glare that comes off of screens i mean you know you all you all seem black mirror there's no doubt in my mind that the entire population is going to be blind we just don't know it we're just all going to wake up one day it's gonna be bird box we're all gonna be blind and because fucking we happen to wear our felix gray glasses it's an easy way to look good, look put together, look smart, and save your eyeballs. They're available in non-prescription, prescription, and readers.

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I got not really hypothetical for you, but situational. So I live in an apartment complex in downtown Milwaukee. Not very big, not very small, but I guess my neighbor's kind of well. So, I have a dog that's around seven months old. There's another couple that lives a floor above us that also has a dog. Same age, so doggy play dates, whatever.

Yadda yadda yadda. So, the girl in this relationship ended up getting absolutely bonkers. Like, was texting us and calling us all the time, me and my girlfriend, to get us to hang out. Long story short, we kind of, like, started ghosting her. Because, like, you know, you're getting fucking annoying. Like, we're over this. And the other day, we started hearing some noises in the hallway.

And I was like, what the fuck? So I was like, I was going to take the garbage out garbage out but I was like I don't feel comfortable with this so I look out the eye hole or whatever it's supposed to be called still time and there

is that fucking girl with her ear up to our door like trying to listen if we're fucking talking about her so long story short well actually

it was just long story long yeah pretty long story bro but what the fuck do I do like I didn't open the door because I'm like i think she's gonna stab me do i call the police uh do i confront her uh thought well i mean first of all this is your own fault like he yada yada over doggy play dates that's a big yada yada people like call up and organize times for their dogs to hang out of course if someone does that they're gonna be a fucking weirdo yeah that's like if you see them at the park sure to be like hey man like you

want to get like you know maddie together with that's that's of course that person's a weirdo yeah and now you've engaged in it she assumes you're a weirdo like her and wants to hang out and so you ghosting her is really fucking you're the one throwing her for a loop and by the way i'm not a big confrontation guy if someone had their ear up to my door like that i would open the door yeah because then it's like let's get this out in the open and i can be like uh what the fuck was that and then you basically have your out yeah i mean you if someone has their ear pressed to your door also like that's that's insane obviously but to think... I'm going to catch them talking about me. Chances are they're talking about me.

There's no shot in hell. I guess maybe if you had doggy play days. That fucking weirdo. What do we get? The cartoons? You put a glass up against the door of your ear? You're really going to hear anything? You can't

let this girl bully you throughout your life you gotta you gotta put your foot down on this one just like keep living your life completely normal this girl's like a dooney

he's like oh she's gonna kill me like she's just a weirdo yeah that's who weirdos kill people I don't think this girl's gonna kill me regular people don't kill people yeah but like you know she's just a weird dog girl

she probably has like a dog Instagram and I don't know she's not gonna kill you bro also like kill her self-defense kill her back i think it is like always like someone does something a little strange like are they gonna murder me chances are no chances aren't they'll probably but we said chances are rival it's like still a risk that's why you should open the door and confront it or she would have been like right away you knew she'd have a weapon you could see her like now's the time for this confrontation

no blades no no no projectiles yeah i mean it's like one of those things that it's easy to say just open the door but like i i'd probably be like yeah like i don't open the door for anybody ever if i if unless i expected you i don't open the door yeah but if i caught if i looked through the the peephole and saw someone doing that i think i would i would i would open the door. Yeah, but if I look through the peephole and saw someone doing that, I think I would open the door. Just to get it out in the open and be like, what the fuck is this? We need to address this. Your head is up against my door. Right.

We got to talk. We're going to have to have a conversation here. Let's hash this out real quick. Because now your window's passed. Now you can't be like, hey you yeah i think you can't or you can yeah i think like so by the way like i saw you yesterday yeah what the fuck was that yeah yeah you probably should you can't you can't let you have to can't let's go maybe it's safer to do it through text sure there you go you have a number also like you could just move

get a new job change cities yeah i Yeah. I mean, that's... So what brings you to Austin, Texas? Well, I have this creeper neighbor who... You're in downtown Milwaukee. You're probably nice for a choice. Any reason to... Change of location. I feel like we've talked about Milwaukee way more than Milwaukee should be talked about.

I feel like we've talked about Sprewell being a bouncer at that bar and people... We've discussed Milwaukee twice. It is over the top. That's too many times. Yeah. Two times. Too, too many. Mentioning Milwaukee twice is like... What's going on? well being a bouncer at that bar and how and people we've discussed milwaukee twice that's too many times two times too too many mentioning milwaukee twice is like what's going on every time we do a bit they deal with it like i feel like people are always like no it's pretty nice man it's pretty nice like probably not anytime you have to say somewhere it's like pretty nice like no you'd be surprised no i wouldn't isn't it like it's weird to me that that milwaukee has pro football yeah uh sports teams it doesn't basically green bay right like milwaukee is like Isn't it like it's weird to me that that Milwaukee has pro football. Yeah.

Sports teams. It doesn't basically Green Bay, right? Like Milwaukee is like for all intents and purposes. It's like you have all the major. And it's like, I think it's like two hours in Chicago. You should just, you don't, you don't be Cubs fans. Yeah, you should, you don't, you shouldn't get your own team. But still, like there's, there's no reason Milwaukee should have professional. No, let's just, they should do a split city thing. Well, there are so many reasons. Like, like, do you think about it? Like Buffalo should have professional teams. None. They should do a split city thing.

Well, there are so many reasons. If you think about it, Buffalo shouldn't have teams. No way. I mean, they end up having a very rabid fan base, but that's because that's all they have. Right, exactly. Oklahoma City shouldn't have. Oklahoma City absolutely should not have them.

There are like six cities in the country that should have sports teams. That would be so much better. To consolidate it all? They're just 60. You'd hate them. That would be so much better. Just consolidate it all. If there were just 60. Like, you'd hate them. We would go to wars. Yeah. Physical violence all the time.

All the time. You had to have, like, all four. That's what it should be. Each of those cities should have all four major sports teams. Right. And that's it. It's just, like, the Northeast. New York, Boston, Chicago, L.A., Miami. Not even Miami. You're out of Miami. that's it it's just like the northeast new york boston chicago la miami you're not even miami

you're out of miami i mean look at sports town they have a big city but it's not good sports right it's a terrible sports they have three teams like no florida they have it's like no one goes to dolphins games gotta just be cold weather to be honest forget about la it should just be the northeast we're the only assholes who care about sports the way we care about them right like i like i'd rather go back to The Hartford Whalers Probably deserve a team over Some of these Midwest spots

Because they're just more northeast assholes Who live and die with it The Mets right now The Mets are going to cause The Mets are going to cause violence And shit like that Crimes are going to be committed about this New York Mets team soon. Why?

Because they're just that. We're into the fun territory of being a shitty franchise. They're trying to fight reporters and all sorts of shit. Oh, yeah. Jason Vargas told a reporter yesterday he was going to knock, I will knock you the fuck out. And Carlos Gomez had to restrain him. Why?

Because the team sucks. And the reporters are asking questions like, why is this? So they left in, Mickey Callaway left in their eighth inning guy for 50 fucking pitches. And Javi Baez ended up being a game-winning three-run home run. Did he throw 50 pitches in an inning? An inning and a third. So he came in in the seventh, got the out, then stayed on for the eighth. So he threw 40-some-odd pitches probably. Yes. And it was like, yes. And it was like he didn't have it and he said i mean he was like i didn't

have it and mickey calloway was like he looked good to me like separate conversation you throw 40 pitches in an inning you clearly don't have it yeah so and and uh the rule that jeff wilpon and and his his lackey brody and his other lackey mic Mickey have come up with is that Edwin Diaz can go for four out saves, but not five. And so reporters were like, why didn't you bring in Diaz? And they were, he was,

he said, well, you know, we've, we've all agreed for outs, not five. And the reporters were like, do you have the power to put him in for five outs if you wanted him?

And like basically being like, you're a fucking eunuch you're a cock here like because more like that's such a you have any any choice do you have free will yeah like twice but it's such a fucked question because it challenged it's like basically what you're saying is as a baseball mind as a baseball manager you knew that guy didn't have it and you knew edwin diaz would be a better choice so it's either a you're cucked and you can't make that decision or b you didn't have enough baseball acumen to know that was the decision to make yeah there's no lose lose either

way and he was like that's mickey calloway got all like testy about it he was like what what i should have put him in because you wanted you wanted to put him in no because he threw 40 pitches in here it was like no of the scene that just unfolded where we ended up giving up a three-run home run. That's why you should have done it. And then, I don't know, they said something else where he was like, shut your mouth with that smart-ass remark. Jason Vargas said, I'll knock you the fuck out.

And so, I mean, it is pure chaos, and all the Mets fans in the city are ready to fucking murder everyone, each other, them, reporters, the team, Yankee fans, all of it. Like, we just need we need more teams like that fuck that like midwest shit of like oh it's okay that we lost you know like i want life and motherfucking death for a june baseball game let's go hey listen i'm feeling like a big idiot right now, as your voicemail just said. So I went on.

Well, I didn't go on a date. I went to a bar and there's this man, a nice man there. And so I went home with him. Whatever. Didn't think anything was going to happen. And then I go to leave the apartment. And he tries to hand me $500. And I'm just a little confused.

Like, I said, do you think that I'm a hooker? Because I'm not. And so I went to the bathroom because I felt uncomfortable. Whatever. I get into a lift, and there's $1, dollars in my purse. I just need an opinion. Like, did this person think that I was a hooker? Like, I am just

honestly a hooker. Please give me your feedback. Now wait, but did they have sex? She said she didn't expect anything to happen but I'm assuming that means that something did happen, right? It didn't sound like they had sex, but it seems i mean if there was if money was exchanged i would imagine something happened right yeah like yeah he thinks you're a hooker not a hooker but i think he like this is a sugar daddy situation i think he wants to establish a sugar daddy situation which i do

think is different than being a hooker i'm very confused right now so he offered her 500 which she said i'm not a hooker, and turned it down, apparently. But you already did the work. Take the money. But in her mind, it was a mutual thing of enjoyment. So what? Anyone offers me money after sex, I'm taking the money. Also, by the way, thank you for the compliment.

Nobody pays for bad sex. That guy was like, that was worth $500. And then apparently ended up being $1,000. thank you for the compliment. You know, nobody pays for bad sex. right. Like that, that guy was like, that was worth 500 bucks. And then apparently ended up being a thousand. I guess it is probably a sugar daddy thing. Cause like why, when, when she informs you, she's not a hooker,

the normal thing to do would be take the money back. Right. Not double. I think he wants, who also just has a thousand dollars cash. I was going to say, you fucked up like a baller. Like,

I don't understand how you tell that story. And don't mention like, like how dope his apartment is. Right. If you went home with and i need more detail don't mention like like how dope his apartment is right if you went home with him you're like you'd be like i mean it's a great place yeah if he had a thousand dollars cash on me listening like by the way the way i was even gonna say the way she said i there was this man at the bar that makes me it sounds like an old guy like an older guy i feel like a girl would be like i met this guy at the bar yeah so there was this man at the bar that implies that he was like looking like a dad or like a silver fox or something that was just a little out of the ordinary and then yeah if you go home and he's got like some dope apartment with like everything's

electronic and everything's linked up he's like like fucking gosling and crazy stupid love like then you you're missing the context clues, you know? Yeah. But I think if someone says... Sometimes things happen that I'm just so confused about. My brain just isn't working with this story. Well, I think because this is a modern story right here, dude. I think sugar daddy type shit is becoming more standard and accepted, where it's like, this girl's like, do you think I'm a hooker?

And he's kind of like, no. No, you're not a hooker. You just want pay you a thousand dollars to hang around yeah come on i i think i think that that is there's i do think there's a difference by the way between being a full-blown hooker and like a sugar daddy sugar baby situation i know there are like kinks that i'll never even even like most kinks i'm like i guess i can see it it makes sense like i get just like the financial dominance one. That one's crazy. Where,

where, where like you spend my money and I just get off on that. Dude, I remember there was a video once like, uh, watching like the, you know, the interview beforehand kind of deal.

And it was skin diamond. And she was talking about how like she was a financial dimension. She never even met the guy. It was just, he had, she had to give him permission to spend money so he would like call her and be like am i allowed to buy this water every time he wanted to spend money it's so weird that's just a hassle that yeah that's very it's very inconvenient and also it's like so what now you're like sitting at the bodega about to buy a

bottle of water and your dick's getting half chubbed yeah what is she like what is that what if she didn't reply right we just sit there you almost have to have like the bat phone like this is my dominatrix phone i have to answer all the time you're not allowed to go to sleep like what if there's a true emergency are you gonna just swipe your card or you're gonna be hang on i gotta call my miss yeah like you have to call my you're in the hospital like yeah we need to perform this emergency surgery gotta call skin diamond first hang on a second yeah she's turns out it's two in the morning she's asleep so that shit i'm gonna bleed out i will never understand i can understand the idea of like i i'm wealthy

i'm single i need i want something consistent and like you know you would never come around me otherwise so like here's some money. Please come back. Yeah, that's... I get that, but... I get that. I get being a grotesque rich person. The kink of it is what's weird. That's not even a kink. That's just a necessity.

Right. That's not like I'm turned on by this. It's just like, I'm turned on by you, and this is what I have to do to have you around. But the thing is, I think... This girl missed all the clues like this girl must be oblivious because if that's the situation like you probably know why he's probably a little bit older a little bit grosser or whatever it may be if you're just like totally

dumbfounded when someone hands you a thousand dollars after having sex you missed a shit ton of clues there were it's one of those things where like if it was in a movie it would be like they would have a moment. Rewind. Oh, yeah. They were like, three times he offered me $1,000. Yeah. I just kind of laughed.

I thought it was a joke. He was just like, I will give you $1,000. Come home. I'm like, ha, ha, ha, ha. And then he did it. You're surprised. He literally explained exactly what was going to happen. Right.

And you. He's probably like, why didn't that girl want the fucking money? I guess that happens a lot, though, I people just so forward you think they're joking around or something like that I'll pay you a thousand dollars and I'll let me in I think that that's probably becoming more and more real life

let's just be up front about what's going on yo have you seen the show Euphoria no if that is real life the world is fucked man it is wild these kids are in high school No. If that is real life, the world is fucked, man. It is wild. These kids are in high school.

They're doing drugs, like crazy drugs. They're fucking crazy drug deals, beating the shit out of each other, like extreme violence. I was like, I don't know where this supposedly takes place, but I am very uncomfortable. It sounds like you're explaining it to the kids to me. Yes. It's very much like a modern-day version of kids. That's like they're doing crazy drugs. There's like a – well, I don't want to surprise it because there's a wild twist at the very end of the first episode.

This one guy almost beats somebody to death with a baseball bat. This drug dealer makes this girl do – makes Zendaya do fentanyl like how do you make someone he like scoops something like the liquid onto a knife and he was like here you go and like she like had to she didn't die i thought you died like right away she said she was like uh like you hear like her monologue she's like please god like i know i've been like pretty fucked up but like please don't let me die. She eats it. And then she does almost die. And the whole time, there's all sorts of sex scenes. And they're all supposed to be in high school. And I'm sure everyone's of age, like the actors.

But I'm like, that's a super hot chick with a great rack. But she's supposed to be like 15. What am I supposed to do here? That's uncomfortable. Yeah. And they're fucking in it. Wild. She's face down. He's holding her face down as they're like fucking in it. Wild. Like she's like face down.

He's like holding her face down as he like smashes her from behind. I'm like, this is supposed to be like a sophomore in high school. The fuck are we doing, HBO? Making me feel super uncomfortable. Yeah, that's wild, man. I don't know what is reality anymore with sugar daddies and paying money and fucking and drugs, but euphoria makes me very uncomfortable. All right, final voicemail of the day is brought to you by roman you want to last longer in bed roman's got the answer they got

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hello kfc radio That's G-E-T-R-O-M-A-N.com slash KFC. Hello, KFC Radio. This is Joey Clark, Chicago. Recently over the weekend, I was at a wedding out of state. A few friends and I were all traveling together. Various rooms, separate, everything for the most part. Before the wedding, we went to the hotel bar and a friend of mine, a close friend of mine who I've known for a long time, has recently started acting incredibly cheap and said that he would get

a round of drinks for everyone. He proceeded to get a round of drinks for everyone and then when we drank them, he sent out a charge for everybody to pay him back. Is this something I need to remove from my life immediately or was this just a, oh, we're just pre-gaming, I'll chip in with this

and let me know. I mean, I don't want to say like cut him out of your life, but this is lame as fuck. It's, people who are one round. Like that's, you know, you should buy around. Dude, I had a buddy who I guess I kind of cut out of my life because I said had.

I never thought about it until right now. I guess. Yeah, I guess I'm not friends with this guy anymore. But he would, which I found even more annoying than he could see what he would do that he would request money for any time he got around like it was but more annoying than that was if i got around he would pay me pay you yep the cheapest people are the ones that make sure they pay their debts because then they expect it back in return and it would be like seven dollars i'm like dude i just got you a beard on it give me i don't want seven one but that's because they want to make sure that you give them $7 back.

The cheapest people I know are the most reliable to pay their debts in a weird way. Yeah. But it's also like they're doing it, again, so like you said, so they can pay, so they can request. But it's like you think you're tricking me. I know what you're doing. And that's what pisses me off. And also, by the way, it's like it'll just be a wash then you know yeah like keep that or give it to me and i'll hand it back to you in like an hour

and yeah exactly and it's not even like overnight so it's like it's like right now we're at the bar still yes like yeah you gave me seven dollars now you're venmo requesting me seven dollars you know i have it in my pocket you put it there you literally put it there because i was saying no i don't want it you put it in my pocket i was at this bachelor party i was at a couple weekends ago we had we were at this bar it was it was like the creepiest thing we've ever done because it was a lot of us and like we like 20 dudes descended upon this bar where it's just like and they they gave us a table that was like on the dance floor so it's like if any of the girls here wanted to like just have like a girl's night out there's now a pack of 20 males just like

dominating this bar uh that's so i i i was like i hate bachelor parties so much yeah i mean there was a i mean we this was a particular like i've never been on a bachelor party with guys less concerned about chicks it was like all we wanted to do was like drink play drinking games bust each other's balls so it didn't even matter that like we looked like a a roaming band of rapists it was just like yeah no we don't care whatever girls do whatever you want but so i mean it was bachelor party should be capped at seven people yeah eight people well the problem is like you can't go anywhere with 20 people that's what i was but like this guy had he like me and a couple friends from like elementary school he had some friends from high school he had some friends from

college and he had like professional friends and like to the point that i was like oh man there's a lot of guys but i started looking at like who you would cut i was like he's boys with like all these guys he's like really tight with that that's even more frustrating why why are you friends with so many people with your friends like it i i have a buddy who has like the same thing like four groups of friends yeah it's just like too much you just move on just cut me out yeah i'll sacrifice myself so i always say if there's if there's close to a cut list fucking shoot me i'm fine like i mean i say like in in regards to like bachelor party invites when you look you cut me or like wedding party shit i don't need to be your best your groomsman i don't i don't mean actual friend although i guess that

would be okay too but i'm like cut that one guy we had a bill that was like 20 guys deep you know and i'm looking around this guy's drunk that guy's leaving like i'm like this is gonna be a fiasco trying to split it up and so i was like anything less than like two grand i'm just gonna put this on my card and like figure it out yeah we were in virginia it was like 850 bucks yes yes i was like oh this is basically free charge me twice that happened i think i might have already told this but that happened when we were in st louis when someone someone got a table because it was like the bar was crazy crowded but like the table area i mean it's just

like four o'clock in the afternoon right it wasn't like club time right but it was just like we were tired of getting bumped into so someone got a table and i later on, I asked. Because I left early. I went into the game. We were doing work stuff, so I went in early. But they hung out there a little bit longer. When I left, there were 40 beers and three bottles on the table. And I was like, by the way, what did I owe you? He's like, dude, it was $400 total.

He's like, don't worry about it. Dude, the beers alone would be $400, and each bottle would be like $300. That should have been like a $3,000 bill. I think it was $480 maybe or something like that. Why do we live here? The key right now, by the way, when you work at an internet company, you're going to get that East Coast money.

We should go live in the Midwest and just be ballers. Granted, Trent's career has greatly improved since he moved here, but I'm like, it'd be pretty fucking nice to just live in Iowa on New York's salary. All right, let's pop into this interview with Josh Wolfe. This was on Friday. Josh came through. We did a whole other podcast.

Me and him just started riffing. It's kind of like a cold open. So if you don't know Josh Wolfe, he used to be on Chelsea Lately. You know him from his stand-up. So me and him just let it rock. He's like a mentor of sorts to me. And so we riffed for a while, and then we talked about this stand-up that I did on Friday night at his show. So this interview is brought to you by Stitch Fix.

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We're not talking one size fits all. We're talking this fits your style. And right now, if you go to stitchfix.com slash KFC, you get an extra 25% off of everything in your box. We get Stitch Fix, and it's actually, like, frustratingly good. Yeah, because you end up keeping everything. Goddamn, I'm keeping all this. Because what you can do is if you don't like it, you send it back, and you don't pay for those items. You only pay for what you keep.

But when someone dangles a bunch of dope shit in front of you, it's like, this is very easy to keep. But if you do keep all the items in your first box, you get that extra 25% off, and it's just a $20 styling fee that gets applied to anything that you end up keeping. So it's stitchfix.com slash KFC. Keep everything in your box. Get 25% off. One more time, stitchfix.com slash KFC. Josh Wolfe, let's talk to him. Can I tell you when I knew I had won too many?

Wait, are we recording? Yeah. Okay. I had won too many too many so wait are we recording yeah okay when the when the Patriots lost to the Eagles after the game

right when the game ended I just turned to my brother and I was like that was a good game and that's how you know and that's how you know because my brother was like can you believe

we're not screaming I'm like I know it's just a fun game to watch I'm glad for the Eagles and he was like yeah we've won too much you spoiled son of a bitch

yeah we've won too much but I respect you because you're like, what, 60 now? Yeah, I'm 65. So like you've been through some of the bad years too. Yeah, man. I remember when they sold Babe Ruth. Exactly. You were in your prime back then.

I mean, I look at some of these kids who are, and they're not, I guess, not kids anymore, but they started as kids and they've had, even Feidelberg is usually here. I mean, he went from like from like what it's been like a 12 year run yep so he went from like 18 to 30 like that's the best there is you get like a he's actually said this before he's like i got my like youth championship with my dad then i got like a high school championship and then i did college championships where i partied and now i have them as an adult i'm checking all these boxes and and I'm like, fuck you, man. You're picking, like, which championship from which part of your life you like most.

Suck my dick. Let me ask you something. As a fan of a bunch of terrible teams, you, not me. Just the most terrible teams, by the way. What championship would bring you the most joy? It's not even close with the Mets. Really? How come?

Because they've been so bad? Well, they've all been bad. It's just, and we say this all the time on We Gotta Believe, it's I didn't choose the Mets life. The Mets life chose me. It's just like it was ingrained into me from my stupid fucking mother, that dumb bitch, that stupid bitch.

She bestowed it upon me. And I just, it's the sport that means the most to me. It's funny, I played basketball the most growing up. So, like, that's the sport, the actual action I like the most. But baseball is it for me. And that's, you know, baseball is so gay. It's so old and history and records and all that shit, you know? Well, let me ask you another question.

So, say the Mets win. What Met jersey is Lil Kev wearing into work the next day? Wait, wait, me, Lil Kev? Yeah, you. Oh, okay. Because I got to ask you a question about kids. What, well, I mean, it would be. Would it be an old school jersey?

No, no, fuck them. Like it's whoever brings me, it'll be Pete Alonzo. If it's him, he gets it. Like fuck everybody else because you couldn't get the job done or or it'll be some sort of like t-shirt i've made that says like fuck the ownership fuck the will ponds like because that's that's what this is about we overcame those motherfuckers has any team had more hype and disappointment with young pitching than the Mets. Oh, if you go all the way back to Isringhausen and those dudes, every time generation K.

And now this one is like, I mean, it's embarrassing to have that good of a pitching staff, all cheap, all the time, all cheap. Like they were like 500 grand each. Yeah.

Go spend all that extra money on the rest of the team and you will win a championship. And they just wouldn't do it. And that's why, yes, you can blame some of these pitchers for not panning out. You can blame, you know, they just fired, they just fired their pitching coach. You see who they hired?

Who? He's 82. He made his major league debut two years before the Mets existed. Get out of here. He made his debut in 60. Wait. They came about in 62. Is he going to do that old timey, you know, that old timey?

And he does. Yeah. Dude, he's got the old man earlobes with gravity. He's pulled them down a couple inches. He's got the nose that continued to grow. He's got the cancer spots on his face. He's got the nuts that won't fit into a jockstrap. But he still lets them hang. Yeah, he needs two jockstraps.

You know what he does? This guy, he goes to the gym and after the shower, he puts his foot up on the bench and he dries his balls that way. He's that guy. No shame with nudity. Yo, there is something. There is an age that grown men hit in the locker room where they decide, fuck it, I'm not wearing clothes anymore. It's got to be intentional.

I don't know because, listen, and why are you drying your nuts with the hairdryer? That's what I'm saying. Why? Why? See, that to me is a fuck you. Because if I, let's say I was like uh okay here's an example okay when i have i have a towel on you know if i'm because you know where the fucking towels are right yeah but you know i'll pull my boxers up like over my you know under my towel sort of thing maybe in my

older age i'd be like you know what i don't fucking care anymore i'm gonna drop my towel and let my dick out for a second before i put my boxers on that's fine at no point would i be like well i've been wanting to dry my balls with a hair dryer for 40 years and now I'm old enough to just say, fuck it. It's not something I ever want to do. So that to me is like, I'm going to put my old balls in your face with this hairdryer because I'm spiteful. There's so many levels because also, man, like it's not like they're naked. They have the towel over their shoulder.

It could easily be. So they found the fucking towels. It's not like they don't know where they are. Do you know what I mean? And then, you know, my gym took away the hair dryers. So you know what they started drying their balls with? The hand dryers. They would hit the hand dryer and you know their ball sack is...

Oh, they would just hold the ball sack? Yeah, they would hold the ball sack! Oh yeah, well you gotta like go on your ankle, pick the balls up, pick it up and hold it up. Wait a minute. You're saying you've seen a person do this or they're all doing this? Because I think you should be locked up. If you have your nut sack in your hand underneath the hand dryer, it's pre-crime.

It's actually probably just regular crime, and you need to go to jail. Here's what I – at this one gym where they took away the hair dryers because one guy basically said, hey, all the old dudes are blowing their nuts with the hair dryers. And his locker was right behind the sink. And he was like, I'm just getting hot air full of nuts. Do you know what I mean? I'm downwind, you know? I'm downwind. My mouth was open.

You know what I mean? Like, this whole thing is gross. A couple of pews flying around. Yeah. Oh, my God. Got rid of the hair dryers. So they all went. All the hair dryer dudes just went to the hair.

And there's a line. Well, the problem is not that. There's a line. There's a little conga line of old dudes trying to dry their nuts. What's wrong with drying your nuts with a towel? I'll tell you what they're doing. Those old guys are going, how come you guys are drying your hands with the nut dryer? They're just so old, they don't know what that technology is.

The nut dryer. If there's a line, I mean, come on. Guys just standing there swinging their nuts. You would think they could just swing them dry at a certain age just blow on them yourself do you know what my grandfather said to me once okay so um all right so this i was probably eight years old one of my favorite things about my grandparents is that they knew no line for jokes oh yeah they were just on board for whatever was funny so my grandfather sat in the front seat of a car i was in the back seat

and he sat down he goes whoop i go he sat down and he goes, whoop. I go, what happened, Papa? And he goes, I just sat on my nuts. And I go, what? And he goes, yeah, it's going to happen to you someday. And I said, is it really? And he goes, yeah. Wait till you get older and you hold them in your hand so you don't poop on them.

I was like, what? What? What? What is happening right now? I was like, dude, I'm eight, man. They haven't even dropped out of my body yet. Yeah, they're still like tight. You know, tight. Tight. They haven't even dropped out of my body yet. Yeah, they're still like tight. You know, tight.

Tight. I don't even know that that is a thing. Shit on your nuts? What? And then I started to think. I started to think back about like my grandmother used to tease my grandfather about the length of his nuts. But I was too young to understand it. That's true love.

But I remember my favorite. Now that I look back, my favorite one is that we were walking out the door to go to dinner, and she turned to him, and she said, tuck him into your socks, honey. We're going out. That's a keeper. That's a keeper. That's the woman you want to keep. That's how you know, yeah. Well, she had a giant hump, my grandmother.

Like a ring the bell. No. Like a ring the bell. and so she was used to and wanted yes yeah she had a great but she had to we used to tease her i'm like i know you keep your money in the hump storing water in that thing coins that he got in there camel yeah yeah she but she had a good sense of humor about her hump and my grandfather had a great sense of humor about it yeah well it's not even just your grandfather's. It's like, you know, we're all going to be there.

It's gravity. And even, you know, you don't have to be old. You catch me on a bad day or a good day, depending on your perception. If it's warm enough and, you know, they're halfway to my knee. Have you crossed your legs and crushed your knee? Did you see that video that went viral this week? I did. That guy, the, ah!

Yeah. I have not. I've sat on have not i've sat on them i've sat on them i've caught him i pinched him i don't think i've so when he's when he's when that guy's in pain yeah that's his leg against his leg is that is there a zipper or something in there no that's that you're crushing your nuts right at this but that's a pretty pretty soft area at least for me i mean i don't know maybe this guy's been doing that fly trap thing at the gym. But I think you probably got some bigger nuts. And the thing is, when you get that old, like, you really have to decide where you want to put them.

Yes. You can't tuck them under because you're going to sit on them. So you try to keep them in the middle. But this guy sounds like he's going to lift them up and maybe just lay them on his lap like a cat or something. You know what I mean? One of my favorite urban legends, allegedly, is how Patrick Ewing used to have to take it out. If he was sitting to take a shit, he'd have to take it out and leave it over the bowl. Because it would be into the water otherwise. Like what?

His dick? Yeah. In the water? Yeah. So he would take it out. Like an elephant trunk? Yep. And he would lean it either on his left leg or over the bowl.

I can tell you who started that rumor. Patrick Ewing. I would start that rumor about myself right now. Also, if you look at Patrick Ewing, it's probably not a rumor. No. That guy probably needs to do things like that. I think he was the same guy that he had to tape it to his leg when he played. That is like, that's not even, I don't even have a place for that in my brain like i

don't know you know when people say like the universe is constantly expanding i'm always like expanding into what it's like patrick ewing's dick was so big he's the tape into his leg and i'm just like what that makes no i have no okay all right but would you want to have a dick that big no no no no no i don't think so i i don't even forget about that that's like you know you have to worry about what you're wearing in the morning. You have to worry about where you're dipping into the water. Yeah. Uh, I, but also, I mean, I don't want anything that's big enough where the ladies can't handle

it. Yeah. Maybe just a little bit. They can't handle it. Just enough that they go, wow, I can't handle it. Yeah. But if they really put their mind to it, they can, you know, because listen, if you're walking around, like, like if they're really trying, you can handle it Because listen, if you're walking around like...

If they're really trying, you can handle it. You're not trying hard enough. It's your heart in that sense. If it's like 10 inches, it's like there's places you can't put it and speeds you can't go and things you can't try. Just if you start doing the math,

sometimes when you watch some of the... Like you watch a porn and you're like, that dude's dick is like ridiculous. And then you say, that woman is 4'8". Where is that going? It's like – I'm not sure. It's like a magic trick. It's a magic trick.

It's like when they put the balloon down their throat. It's like, what the fuck? When the clowns keep getting the things out of their mouth, you're like, how is that 13 inches not coming not coming out of your eyeball right it's got to at least be up into like your esophagus yeah or down to your you know moving or whatever yeah yeah that's a question i wish you had asked what was the woman who used to come in here and do the show also we can ask her again we just had lisa ann recently the legend she is a legend og milf she was a delight and i believe we'll have a bell of danger soon so apparently i'm just a full-blown porn guy now. Can you ask that question for me? Oh, yeah.

Because I'm really curious. Yeah, I will. I think their pussies are just huge. Yeah. It's like the universe. It's expanding. Huge that way, but like, not huge in their body. Well, it's...

Do I not know how that works? No. I think it's very Do I not know how that works? No. Like, I think it's very funny when people talk about it. I mean, I know guys are talking about it, but is there, like, an extra, like... I don't think anybody does. Like, a cow has a second stomach? Right. Does it go off sideways or something?

Like, I don't know. Like, your body just, like, when they know it's time to have sex, you just, like, latch another stomach on, another something on, and it can just go up into there. Clear some... Move the liver! Move the liver! Like if you, I don't know, I know so little about a woman's body, and I should know more.

Zero. I know how to spell fallopian tube, but if you were like, what does that do? I'd be like, it leads to the fallopian? Like I don't know. The fallopes. Yeah, I don't know exactly. No, I don't know any of it and you know we love we should we should know these things inside and out we don't know we don't know the first thing about them how old were you when you when you realized that that the p did not come out of the vagina 34 no seriously right now where does it come from

yeah no i mean uh are you in your 20s probably yeah i was in my 20s yeah i thought it just just dumped we had one hole so I figured they had one hole too. I thought it was like a singular. And I'll tell you something. Girls need to evolve better than that because when they pee, it's a fucking catastrophe. It takes too long. And in my mind, it's like when you see a plane that's dumping on a wildfire? They just open it up and it just splashes out. That's what it feels like to me.

It's like, we can aim. We can... It's a nice little process for them. I just feel like it's like, go, and it just falls out. It seems a little more like a job for them. Yeah. For them. Especially when they're wearing rompers.

They've got to get totally naked. This is a joke. Have you seen rompers? Dudes wearing rompers around here? Yeah. What do you think? Well, it was funny. So that was like was like what last summer or a couple summers ago where it like first came out and went viral and feidelberg who's he's usually he's our fancy boy we call him madame feidelberg he's very always on trend and always ahead of the curve and he was like fuck yeah like man rompers whatever i think we're calling the romp hymns

or whatever the name was he was like yep let's do it we'll sell them it's going to be the summer of rompers and then we did like a prototype of them because we were going to try to sell them yeah and he put them on he was like fuck no absolutely fucking not he does not have the body type for a romper i don't know how else to put that but i'm not when i look at him i'm not thinking that dude would rock a romper you know what i mean he got a little overambitious. Yeah. He really did. He overshot his goal. You got to be like a fancy, skinny French model. And it's like, oh, okay, it makes sense. That guy wears lady clothes.

He should start with just like maybe a t-shirt a size too small. See, just dip his toe in just a little. Ease into those waters. Ease in. Buy an extra large and we'll dry it on high. What if your son came home wearing the romper right now how old's he now he's getting up there he's 22 man yeah so like he comes home he's like hey dad and he doesn't even make you know doesn't even say anything

just like hey what's up dad and he's got a one piece on which again his nuts are either on one side or the other that seam and it's it's all up in his junk and he's just like what are you looking at what's the problem dad well here's the thing now he's junk and he's just like, what are you looking at? What's the problem, dad? Well, here's the thing. Now he's 22, so he's open for ridicule. Open season. Yeah, and I would treat him like I treat everybody else. Look, I'm up for you.

Whatever you want to wear, whatever you think you can rock, you can rock. But we don't live in, I don't live in an ideal world where you think I can rock whatever I want and nobody should say no.

Yeah, yeah. I'm cool with you wearing, like when my oldest son was eight, he really wanted to dye his hair blue. And I told him, I go, listen, man, you want your hair to be blue? Listen, man.

I go, you want your hair to be blue? And he goes, yeah. I said, okay. I said, we're not going to dye it permanently, but I'll spray it blue and you can go to school tomorrow. With what? There's hairspray.

Like temporary. I was tagging his hair. Yeah, I got some spray paint. But then I said, but you're going to go to school. And this was always my theory with them with things they wanted to try. Yeah, I'll let you try it.

But know when you go to school tomorrow, it's blood in the water. And don't get mad at those kids. Right. This is how- They are fully justified. Totally justified. You had brown hair yesterday yesterday you have blue hair today one's normal one's not yeah you're going you're gonna hear it right he came home the first thing he said he put

his backpack down and he goes let's wash that out that's what i thought that's what i thought but i would do the same thing with the romper hey man i think that you you i basically can tell what religion you are. And I feel free to walk down Hollywood Boulevard because you'll definitely fit in there. But anywhere else, you're going to have a hard time. But it's funny because, like, again, fights will dress ridiculous and we will roast him. And he'll go out and girls will not roast him. Girls will love it. They'll flock.

They'll talk. And sometimes it's like well you know depending on what your goal is it's kind of like uh well i don't care that like my buddies he's got a girl now he got a uh astoundingly low amount given his like situation yeah especially when he was in boston he was like living in boston right as one of the main guys of barcelona sports it should have been just a constant parade is he super nice no he's an anomaly because he's he's a social misfit he's got terrible social anxiety uh hates people hates places hates activity doesn't like any sort so you know like what comes along with the pussy like the next morning there's an awkward moment or like do

i have to call her again all those little things that's just like i don't know i'll figure it out yeah he's just like well not gonna do it crazy it's crazy that you know or at least either that or he's like the greatest trick the devil ever pulled like he's just been playing the long con and not telling anybody forever what about this girl he's dating now uh she's great i mean she's she's she likes to do nothing also uh i think she probably feeds into his worst tendency sure yeah no i think she actually brings him she balances him out let's let's fucking hope that i'll get a little bit more normal but but even it's not even necessarily like that you know he would go out to the bar wearing something like this and you come with me i'm gonna

go fuck you but it's like he's got this ridiculous hat one time he bought this silly hat it's like four hundred dollars he comes in here for a hat yeah it's like $400. He comes in here. For a hat? Yeah. It's not like a cowboy hat. It's like a Pharrell hat, kind of. Oh, boy. Right? And we're like, this is...

And it drives me. It infuriates me. I'm like, you... Sometimes he puts the headphones over it. No. And I'm like, fuck you, man. But then in certain circles, certain places, girls... The Curious George hat?

You're pulling it off. You're pulling it off. And I'm like, every time people say that, I'm like, you're fucking you're enabling you're feeding into it i'm the one who's gonna look at this stupid hat but you know i mean i i i dress pretty normal what about your do you how old are your kids four and two so they're still just in like whatever i put them in yeah you know when my kids were around maybe a little older i started to let them dress themselves it's a big daddy shit yeah you know but mostly because for a couple reasons one it When my kids were around maybe a little older, I started to let them dress themselves. It's big daddy shit.

Yeah, you know, but mostly because for a couple of reasons. One, it was one less thing I had to do. Yep. But two, like, I wanted them to figure out, look, I'm not against being ridiculed. I grew up with three older brothers. Josh, it sounds like you like it. It sounds like you're angling for it. I'm not against it.

I think you learn things. You learn. sounds like you like it. It sounds like you're angling for it. I'm not against it. I think you learn things. You learn. It's character building shit. And I'm not saying everyone needs to be bullied. There's a whole different thing. But to get some shit every now and then, is it the worst? It 100% helps. I think what you should almost do, it's almost like when parents let their

kids drink at a certain, like younger, like I let them have a glass of wine at dinner. It's like you're not going to let them go, shit, get shit- shit based but you test it out yeah like i'm not gonna let you go to school and get ridiculed over something that's gonna like drive you to suicide but i'll let you go to school blue hair and come back and realize hey maybe normal is a good thing yeah maybe falling in line and conforming isn't the worst idea but also it's controlled bullying yeah you know what it is for me honestly it's just letting them know. With bold choices. I always wanted them to know this.

It's okay to make a bold choice. I love you making a bold choice. But know what comes with every bold choice. Know that everybody, bold choices are bold for that reason. That you're taking a risk. But my youngest son didn't mind that at all. He would take the risk all day. And he learned that about himself early. And my daughter early on learned, I don't mind that at all right he would take the risk all day and he learned that about himself early and my daughter early on learned i don't like that that's not my she's

gonna play it safe and stay cool i don't fucking like that at all i'm uh i'm all for like now that i have kids they're still so young but i i'm all for like blend in just be another face in the crowd don't go too hard don't go too don't overextend yourself i mean like yeah you want them you want the best for them but i also it's like you know you hear horror stories about some bullying and and the the issues and the shit that can arise if you are standing out i'm like why don't we just uh fall in line a little bit but like there's a way to stand out and not stand out yeah not be like an asshole about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, just because you go in with blue hair doesn't mean you're not going to go out and play kickball.

Right. You know what I mean? You can do the normal things and maybe look a little bit. You have to pick. Do you want to look different? Do you want to act different? Do you want to – because if you do it all different, then you're an asshole. Then you're going to spend a lot of time by yourself.

You know what I mean? That's the other thing too. It's like – You're going to spend a lot of time by yourself. But are you worried about your kids getting bullied? Do you think your parents were worried about you getting bullied? I don't know if my parents even love me. Well, your mom didn't.

She made you a Mets fan. Clearly not. She's like, let me ruin this kid's life right now. That's why I've said I'm not raising my kids as Mets fans. It's too late. No, it's not. Do they not hear you yelling at them? Yeah, but I'm not making them watch with me.

Although I am realizing that the convenience, like I was watching the game and my son wanted to watch Frozen. I was like, first of all, you're gay, damn it. But I was like, I want to watch the game. And if you liked baseball, he's super young. But if he was into Two Birds with One Stone, I had to change the channel. So that's annoying. But I can't do this.

I don't like this life. I don't like my life. Okay, so my oldest son, politically, in his views, are extremely different from mine. My daughter, when she was 15, told me that she was dating her best friend, Savannah. No problem with that. And my youngest son, we're Jewish, went to a Catholic high school. I don't care who you pray to. But my youngest son came up the driveway one day wearing a Kobe Bryant shirt. And that was it. And that he had won at a carnival at school. And he was probably eight. And he walks up and he goes, hey, I go, hey, buddy, where'd you get that? Where'd you get that shirt? He goes, I won it at the carnival. It. And he was probably eight. And he walks up. And he goes, hey.

I go, hey, buddy. Where'd you get that shirt? He goes, I won it at the carnival. It's Kobe. I go, I know who it is. And he said, I'm going to go inside. Do you want to play? We were playing PlayStation together at the time.

He goes, do you want to play some PlayStation? I go, sure. I go, but you've got to take that shirt off. And he said, why? I won it. I go, yeah, but you can't wear it in the house. Not in my house. You can choose who you vote for.

You can choose who you have sex with. You can choose what god you pray to. But you but you can't wear it in the house. Not in my house. You can choose who you vote for. You can choose who you have sex with. You can choose what God you pray to, but you don't choose your sports teams. Not in my house. Not in my house. But so was the problem that it was Kobe and the Lakers? You're a Celtics guy, right? So what if he came home in like a Pacers jersey? Less egregious.

So in my mind, I want to make – It's the Kobe. It's the – The Kobe's a big fuck you. Yeah, Kobe's a dick. The Lakers and Celtics are no go. No, yeah. But –

So I want to make my kids restricted free agents. That's what it is. Like you can't be a Yankee fan. No. And like probably like the Phillies and like – Red Sox? No, I'm cool with the Red Sox because I hate the Yankees so much. Braves?

Like the Braves. The Braves and Phillies, eh. Probably Phillies definite. I don't want a Philly fan And the Yankees No go And the rest You know you want to come home

And be a fucking Seattle Mariners fan That's a bad choice But okay But harmless You want to be a Giants fan How about that The Giants

Good organization They're going to win The West Coast Is going to fuck you up But fine Yep Sure Just

But I Don't do this Mets life And just don't be a Yankee fan I feel like a Seattle fan Is basically choosing The same life as yours Yeah I call I call the Mariners

Mets West Yeah yeah They do equally stupid things. They've traded away. I mean, they lost A-Rod, Griffey, and Randy Johnson all at different times. Imagine that. Dude, do you remember I believe the trade that got us Derek Lowe and Jason

Veritech when Veritech was a rookie, I believe. I think it was Heathcliff Slocum. I don't remember that name. I think that was the trade. Dude, there are certain things like you could just say baseball players' names in the past and I'll laugh. People just say to me

Dante Bichette. I'm just like, remember that fucking guy? Just say the name and I'll laugh. Dante Bichette. Butch Husky. That's a real human? But that's because baseball players have the best names. Baseball players, without a doubt. Dante Bichette.

That's a name. Bernard Gilkey. I always loved Heathcliff Slocum. That's a great one. Because Slocum doesn't sound like a real last name. No, Heathcliff Slocum sounds like a cartoon cat. It really does. Who wears a cardigan sweater and smokes out of a pipe?

Wait, was it Heathcliff? That was a cartoon cat, right? That's exactly right. Maybe his last name was Slocum. Who knows? Yeah, but to me, baseball, the weirdness of the names match the game. So why don't you name your kid a baseball player name? Maybe that's what we should have done.

Well, what would you choose? I don't know. That's a great question. Yeah, that would be a great one. Bartolo. I just feel like Malcolm Gladwell did a study about this in one of his first books. It was like the opposite effect, how very ethnic and urban names, people don't get jobs. Well, maybe you can use that for good.

Right. Give him an athlete's name. Sometimes you just see a name and you're like, that guy can ball. You know what I mean? What is the... Even like Zion. Zion Williamson is an athlete's name like sometimes you just see a name and you're like that guy can ball you know what i mean what is the like even like like zion zion williamson is a athlete's name yeah and and it's he's like the savior and he's like a god and and you know is it is it which is it is the name match the player did the player match the name did he become zion because he was zion is it all just meant to be but you certainly give him yeah that guy's not an accountant no

zion is not working at enterprise now i'm not giving yeah i'm not giving job around my money you're an accountant job around i don't think so no way man no way did you see the the woman it was a trending i think her name was marijuana pepsi yeah became a doctor yeah buck the trend marijuana pepsi yeah see that's like the exception not the rule i have to tell you though just on principle i'm not going to a doctor named marijuana i'm happy you got the degree yeah but will you ever have a practice no sir now if it was marijuana pepsi berg i might go i might go but a straight up pepsi i mean you know like you start working uh in the medical marijuana field and your name is marijuana. No better.

Yeah. No better person for that, right? I feel like I kind of do work in the marijuana field. You should have your own product at this point. You have your own like wolf strand of. There was a guy in Seattle when I went and he brought me a half pound of weed, and he called it Wolf 180. I go, why 180? He goes, because it'll turn you completely around.

Great fucking name. Yeah, it was a great name, right? And I said, he goes, this is for you. People have been buying a lot of it. I go, hey, just out of curiosity, man, what the fuck do you want me to do? He goes, fly home with it. I go, I'll fly home with a joint. Do you know how much a

half pound of weed first of all it's smell you can't hide if i had a little bit of weed in my pocket right now you'd smell it weed is so good now right smell it a half pound how much is that like hand wise it's a brick it's a brick it's a brick it's a giant he goes put it on your carry on i go you want me to put that through? Through. Through. So can you – if you are flying like – In L.A. Yeah.

There's a certain amount that they – I've had TSA take my edibles out of my bag. This was – it made me super nervous because I always fly high. Have to. Have to. And there's one woman that I take when I take the red eye. I was supposed to catch the red eye on Wednesday night. I've got to tell you the greatest high story of all time. But there's one woman on the red eye here at JFK.

As soon as I come on the plane, she goes, we've got extra Pringles. I'm like, you know where I'll be. Bottle of water and Pringles right here. Let's get it going. Here we go. On Wednesday night, I was supposed to fly here. Okay. So I return my rental car.

Don't ask why I'm driving a rental in my hometown. Just driving a rental. Whatever. Don't ask, don't tell. I got it. So I drive it, and I need to get on a bus. The bus is going to take me, the rental car bus, to the LAX. It's literally down the street.

Okay? So I take about 47 hits off of a joint. I try to just power it down right but i figure i'm gonna be on the bus for 10 minutes i love being high in airports because i and really high because i love the ambient noise i love the and i love that like the i love that it makes me feel like like a pa announcement every now and then like i love all of the noise it's sensory overload i fucking love it it honestly gives it makes me scared and happy at the same time you know like um you know like that stomach you that feeling you get in your stomach when you're nervous you know when you get it got it

right now you know when you get it on your asshole do you know what you do you know what i mean you know that feeling where you're like i don't know if this if i like this if i don't but it kind of tickles but it kind of hurts you know what i I mean? You know that feeling? A little bit. That's what I walk around with. It's in your taintish asshole area, right? So I'm looking forward to that. I get on the bus. I sit in the back. I got my headphones on.

I'm looking down. I feel like we've been on this. Am I high? We've been on this bus for a long time. And again, you're supposed to just go down the block. Yeah. But in my last 20 minutes, we have gone maybe two blocks. And I look up, and it's cars for as long as I can see.

It's Wednesday at 10 o'clock. Where the fuck are all these people going? It's jammed. And now I start to get a little claustrophobic. And I start to freak out just a little bit. And so I'm sitting in the back with a bunch of people, and I go, I got to get up. I got to get up. I got to get, I got to get up. I got to go to the front of the bus.

And they were like, okay. So I go stand, I go stand at the front of the bus next to the bus driver. And she's like, I'm going to need you to sit down. You're doing like the Keanu. She goes, I'm going to need you to sit down. I go, I can't sit down. She goes, I'm going to need you to. And she goes, I go, I can't.

She goes, I'm going to break check you. I go, break check away. But I'm standing right here. Right? I said, I need to be up. I'm goes, I can't. She goes, I'm going to break check you. I go, break check away. But I'm standing right here, right? I said, I need to be up. I'm freaking out a little bit. She goes, OK. But I take that. So when I get high and I fly, it happens a lot.

But if I get a sign that shows me maybe you should, I'm almost going to miss my plane. To me, when I'm high in my high brain, that means this is a sign from the universe. Maybe you shouldn't get on the plane. So anybody who's ever been high, when you get one of those signs, automatically you think, oh, there's a sign from the universe maybe you shouldn't get on the plane so anybody's ever been high when you get one of those signs automatically you think oh there's a sign i shouldn't right but i think to myself i'm a professional i've done this before i'll be fine power through this you're good yeah i'm on the bus for 15 more minutes and i get an alert travel alert weather in new york i call american i, you cancel the flight? They said, no, we're not canceling it, but we're giving you the option not to get on the plane.

High sign number two, right? Yeah, man. That's like. Now, even if I'm not high, if I get that, if I talk to somebody like that on the phone, I'm like, ooh, iffy. Because it's almost more like, it's not even about dying. It's about like the memory would be that you're the asshole who died because you didn't watch the sign the warning signs you know it's like come on he we told him yeah told him i'm about to get off the bus and i decided all right i'm gonna call my and i literally would have to run from the bus straight to the gate zero time if i want to make this flight i gotta do it now

call my i'm gonna call my wife beth i'm gonna ask her and then i go no i'm not gonna ask her she's gonna say stay so as soon as i put my phone back in my pocket and i say to myself in my head i'm not gonna call phone rings, it's her I pick up the phone, I go what's going on she goes how are you feeling, I go fine she goes I just want you to let you know I'm a little worried about you getting on the plane oh forget it I didn't get on the plane

I was going to say did you get on it, you're crazy I mean I genuinely mean I don't think I would go unless it was like you know a very pressing issue that night or you had to be here I didn't have to be here I was like am i crazy to not go and she said no but then you know what she asked me the next morning no plane crash and i was like yeah she was like you're disappointed or no i go no i'm not you know what i first of all i respect that yeah i respect that's like where you justify bro? Yeah. Do you know why that plane didn't crash? Because I wasn't on it.

Bingo. I truly believe. So like 245, 244 people on American Airlines should call Josh Wolfe and say, thank you. I'm alive. I truly believe. That's a comic book, like in the making right there. You know what I mean? But you wouldn't have got on the plane either.

Nope. No, me neither. Again, well, you know what's funny? I mean, this is a rich person story. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like if somebody somebody other people booked that flight they're like i have to get on that flight because i can't afford it well american

are we able to like transfer it they give you one transfer okay all right so then then you're good because i was gonna say this is this is champagne problems where it's like if i get a little uneasy i just blow money off my ass whatever no but that is i mean and her call on you puts it over the top over because you can justify everything else. I'm high. I'm paranoid. That's just a coincidence. Then you couple all that with, like, I just got an uneasy feeling.

I've heard enough of those stories where they come true in a bad way to know that, like. It's not even. I actually respected her a lot when she said, are you a little disappointed? I was like, no. I didn't need to be justified. Again, keep her. Yeah. She could be joking about your nuts next, dude.

She does joke about my nuts. We're already there. Yeah. She said something. She said, pretty soon, I think I'm going to be, when we're having sex, I'm going to be able to feel your nuts on the middle of my back. And I was like, I don't like that. I don't like you saying that to me.

How are you going to make eye contact with me when you say that shit? You know what I mean? I don't talk to you about how you're not fair by the way if you said if you said the equal response to a female no come on that your tits are about to be in your armpits later like but i will tell you crying by the end of that i like the boobies that hang over the side do you yeah all the way yeah because that means there's some nipples are like pointing to the bed that's a problem know, they're like all the way over. But look, that means there's some meat to them. Yeah, they're real. Yeah, there's some things. You know what I mean?

I like the moving. Do you know- Yeah, I like the motion. The one time, the very one time I ever got a hooker, she had one real tit and one fake one. No. One real tit. She took- Cyclops. She took off her bra and i was like and she goes like this is so funny she said tell me she could only afford one yeah she said i

couldn't afford to get them both done at the same time and i said was that a groupon like were they doing one titty at a time buy one get one free which was at a later time i couldn't she and i i was so distracted she goes a lot of people think it's freaky i'm like yeah i'm not i'm not i'm not what you gotta do there you gotta split that that those ccs up you know so you got 100 ccs you go 50 and 50 you don't go 100 and zero no no you gotta you gotta make it work you gotta divvy it up because one of her tits looked like it had a stroke you know it looked like one of her tits looked like stallone's lip you know what i mean oh you know what i mean it was all hanging down to the side and the other one was like what's up i how old are you oh 20 i was probably 29 why are you getting a cheap one-titted hooker well okay dark times for josh wolf i had never had a hooker before and i was in vegas with my brother maybe i was 30 and he was like have you ever had a hooker and i said no and in Vegas with my brother. Maybe I was 30.

And he was like, have you ever had a hooker? And I said, no. And he said, you're getting one tonight. I was like, ah. And he goes, you've never had a hooker? And I go, do you think that makes me the weird one? Yeah, that's a bit, you know. Why do you own me about this, you know? Right, right.

But now, I'll be honest. Now I'm like a little like, I feel left out. Have you? Yeah. Have you ever had a hooker? No, and now I feel like I'm going to have to go get one. But he was like, you have to experience it. And he and he said we should do it i would imagine it's awkward that is my thing entirely or you either got to like dive in head first and you just you're okay

with this whole transaction or otherwise i'd be like okay are you into this at all am i allowed to do this how much do i owe you for that all i'm thinking any noise she makes all i know is a fake yeah look if i've picked you up at the bar and you make fake noises, at least I've earned them. Right. You know what I mean? I don't mind if they're fake. Even that, to be honest, I had one relatively recently that was just like, enough. I know I'm not putting it down that well.

I actually even did the slow down and pull out because I'm about to cum sort of thing where you pretend you're teasing them. But it's actually just because you need to remove your dick for a second yeah i'm not doing that good and you're putting it on way too much man so but yeah but you're gonna do tonight oh jesus christ you son of a bitch but wait we'll get to that in a second but but uh but yeah you're right at least you earned that like the total phony like you're giving me you know five hundred dollars worth of of moans or whatever. Yeah. That's that.

Yeah. That would get to me a little bit. And this woman, she had too many rules. She took out a dude. First of all, she took out a timer, like an egg timer, like from a kitchen. It even had a chicken on it, like legit from the kitchen. I do almost respect that. And where it's like, you're on the you know she

turned it to 60 and she said your time starts now and i said first of all 60 thank you very much but we could have sex take a shower and watch an episode of friends like 60 you know what i mean like i don't need no that's just gonna make me feel bad can you take the clock i don't need the shot clock you know what i mean we're good i'm gonna be in under 60 don't worry don't you worry about that you know what i mean but We're good. I'm going to be in under 60. Don't worry. Don't you worry about that. You know what I mean? But she had weird rules. She was like, I'm not going to tell you my real name. And I was like, eh.

Don't need it. So by the way, my favorite part of the story is when I was picking out. So in Vegas, they give you. You go shopping? Yeah. In Vegas, they give you that menu. And I called, and it was late. Wait.

So you chose the one booth. Like, like girl it wasn't in her bio yeah it wasn't in her bio dude you know what i mean by the hooker yeah well here's the thing i did choose weird like i like weird shit okay so if you were going to give me an opportunity to experience something and make it weird so you're doing it for the story at this point oh it's like it could just be like the blonde bombshell or you got this one over here. But I didn't have the option. You know what that's like? It's like Indiana Jones when he's choosing the chalice. And it's like, here's this beautiful gold one. Josh is drinking from the half-broken

bowl. Yeah, because better story. And by the way, I didn't have the option for the blonde. Okay, it just wasn't on the table. There was two women left and the woman on the phone said, I can send you over a petite Asian or a giant Puerto Rican. Brother, I'm with you, man. What I said to my brother, he goes, what do you think?

I go, well, I've had sex with a petite Asian. I've never even seen a giant Puerto Rican. Did she really say the word giant? Giant. I mean, if you tell me giant, I am now thinking Game of Thrones. I'm expecting an eight-foot tall woman. Giant Puerto Rican is what she said. Petite Asian, giant Puerto Rican.

So I was like, well, you know. I'd pay them. Yeah. Red Rover, Red Rover, send the giant Puerto Rican on over. Let's do this. But she came over, and she was in her heels, six, five. I checked for an Adam's apple. First thing I did.

I was like, hey, Bruce Jenner, let's see the Adam's apple. You I did I was like hey Bruce Jenner let's see the Adams apple you know what I mean you know what at the same time though I'd be like I'd get a tape measure I'd be like I paid for a giant Puerto Rican

so you better be above 5'11 she was but and not like giant but she was muscular but giant giant she was definitely bigger than me this is like A-Rod's type

yeah pre-J-Lo when A-Rod was going through that like female wrestler period. Yeah, when he was almost close to admitting he liked it. Which he still needs to do. You'll never convince me. I'm so sorry, Alex.

Lips are blue for a reason, man. Nobody has a painting of themselves as a centaur in their room. Nobody's kissing themselves in the mirror unless they like to kiss other guys other dudes name alex so but yeah it was uh it was quite a but i ended up not being able to first of all my brother was in the room with me because we were sharing a room and i mean yeah but like he can go out for an hour no he because he expected you to just throw down with him in there okay here's what you and your brother have a weird relationship here was the deal because you just kind of glossed over that detail of the story, and that's fucking weird. I've jumped over a bunch of parts of the story.

I haven't dumped it. I'm trying to jump around a little bit. I hope. He said to me, he said, I go, man, I'm not going to do it in the room. You're in the room with me. He goes, just do it later after I fall asleep. Okay. That makes more sense.

But I should have known better. He's not falling asleep. No. No. Anybody? and that makes but i should have known better he's not falling asleep no no anybody i we were once in maine to go tobogganing for barstool and uh i was sharing a room with one of the guys here and uh he was like i'm just gonna bring this chick back like you just go to sleep i was like yeah sure thing man there's one eye open it wasn't really more one year open did you critique him

uh no it was just i mean she put on a show it was it was. It was some ASMR shit. I was like, this is just a delight. The best unfortunate peep that I ever had when I was a freshman in college. My roommate brought a deaf girl back to the room. This is one of the questions I'm going to give you later on ATI. Oh, my God. The sounds. Talk about the audible overload at the airport. It sounded like there was somebody trying to get out of a plastic bag.

It was like it was the crazy. But with a struggle. He was laying it down. But it was like I had never heard those noises. It was I started to laugh. And then I started to cover my mouth. I'm like, she can't hear me laugh. Let her rip. I started to laugh and then I started to cover my mouth I'm like she can't hear me laugh I started to talk to him

I was like hey man flip her around let me see this I was like hey man how long because this is disturbing I can't deal was she like cute though she's a hot chick otherwise I'm not going to give her a name but she was six foot gorgeous.

You're the tall ones, huh? Yeah. Well, it wasn't me. It was him. I don't have a type, man. Apparently. Do you have a type? I think so.

But I wouldn't, it's one of those things like I've looked at my track record and I'm like, yep. What do you think your type is? Brunette and crazy. That doesn't narrow it down to new york i'll tell you that yeah you really got your you find yourself in a lot of trouble all the time the litter here yeah do you like them a little unbalanced but like uh uh apparently again i don't like them it's like uh more of like a proclivity where i just find myself in these situations like here i am again

but i don't that person you just walked out of the building with today doesn't no no so that's the thing i was gonna say like i if you put a beautiful blonde in front of me like i'm not gonna turn it down yeah and it's and actually there's there's there's something about just like a hot blonde chick it's just like you're inherently hot there's just something about that it's more again it's not my type it's like ipso facto it's like i wouldn't go out saying this is my type but if i look at my track record it's mostly that right and is there a body type that's yours? Or that doesn't matter? Again, it's more, what do I prefer?

Sure. But I'll take what I can get. What do you prefer? What do you prefer? Short girl, fat ass. Short girl, fat ass? Yeah. So you'd be it for a Jew?

Well, you know, are we talking about... Are we talking about, are we marrying her are we you know but would you not marry somebody who's you i've actually thought about that recently probably uh first marriage like like before i was married i probably was i no i would want it i want i would want her to be catholic or christian at least i don't give a shit about the other offshoots second go around if i even decide to right you just want to be happy yeah totally fine it's funny how much that changes like that doesn't matter man like maybe maybe maybe if i maybe if i found someone who was jewish but nicer i wouldn't even be divorced in the first place like

what you think is your type the first go around i think changes drastically if you're even considering a second go around and if you're up for a fat ass you're the jews are gonna eventually have i mean and they are did you i will tell you something about jewish women okay and this is true jewish women oh they look good until one day they don't it's like a day and all of a sudden their whole face goes boom and you're like what the fuck did you did you stand next to the sun why did your face melt last night last night but they go from like i'm the hottest youngest looking i feel like asians the same way asians you'll look like 18 forever and then they become like a 200 year old grandma

yeah and then they're just the person they shrink over and it's like gravity just kicked your ass overnight man they all turn into the dude from karate kid like in a heartbeat like it happens overnight yeah that is interesting uh the the rumor like the urban legend at least when i was like coming of age was that um jewish chicks gave great head and they did anal was that it was that a thing for you i i believe that's the opposite which is what's funny experience i've ever had yeah jewish right i remember thinking that and then i remember saying i was sold a bill of goods yeah you did You did not live up to that. You know who probably told you that? Urban legend. It's like a slutty Jewish girl.

Yeah, probably Jewish girl. It was like, yeah. That's like my buddy. So we had this big conversation about, because my son told me, my son tells me everything. And he told me, and this is one of the best things about having older kids, is he kind of keeps me in the loop of. Yeah, like what's going on. Yeah. So he told me the other day, he goes, you know and i didn't know this you guys probably know

you might not how old are you old 38 yeah you're on the cusp of knowing all right you we age down here though we pull you down you probably know if i'm working here but i didn't know that everybody's just eating ass oh yeah everybody it's like, nice to meet you. Let me put my tongue in your asshole. Yeah. So my age, look, we ate ass, but you earned it. It was like taboo. It was a special thing.

You earned it. Five years in, I've done everything else. Let's see your ass. This is like, you know, if you don't, you're a joke. So my buddy, this is the thing. Like, my buddy, who's my age, I go, I asked him. I asked my son. I said, I go, you eat ass? No, you asked your son. That's crazy. And he said to me, he go, I asked him, I asked my son, I said, I go, you, I go, you, uh,

you eat ass? No, you asked your son, that's crazy. And he said to me, he goes, got to bro. He's got to.

Got to bro. You've got to. It's almost like, there's probably, I mean, not me, but I'm sure there are people like, like,

I don't want to, but I have to. Got to. You know? He said, you have to. You're expected to eat ass. I was,

I think I was ahead of the curve on that. But my thing is, I can't. Is there a curve on that jeez well i think so and there's there's two of them it's right here and you open them up and you go no i'm just like i mean i was you know i was like losing my virginity and doing that at the same time sort of thing that's okay so my son in high school people are eating ass in high school i was i've been dude i wasn't doing that when it was cool i was doing that when it was before it was even a thing if someone if someone tried to eat my ass in high school i'd have called the cops are you fucking kidding me look and when i was in high school if someone

touched my nuts i tickled i'm like why are you doing that that's so funny they don't do anything you know i mean like what the fuck but if somebody i'd at least watched him with a mirror be like i don't trust a thing you're doing let's just make sure oh in high school yeah and then you know what else he told me but my thing is i can't believe they're it's right there you're so close how do people like not eat ass because shit comes out of there on a daily basis no yeah but it's like you know we were literally just just episode last episode talking about just how hysterically close together the vagina and the asshole are it's just like they could not be physically closer together so to me it's almost like you end up eating ass by mistake it was in your ass have you ever dated somebody who's who had a really small taint and

you were like whoa that like one accident that looks like one hole i was gonna say like if you do you sit on the wrong bike you got one hole you know what i mean like that is so close i mean it feels like all of them josh they're all pretty close yeah but at least there's a little separation this was like danger was right next to trouble you know what i mean like it was right there i i made this joke like a few months ago, and dad had said something very funny. And my dad, he's pretty quiet. Like he's not like the jokester. And he said something to the effect of like, he goes, you know how God is a man?

Because when he was designing the female, like only a man will put a playground that close to a sanitation dump or something like that. It's funny. It's funny, yeah. And for my dad to have said like that, I was like, damn, dad to him like that i was like damn dad but it's true it's like a goddamn joke someone was like put them as close together as possible yeah you know the i remember the first time that i okay unfortunate truth the first time that i fingered a girl i had no i thought because where the penis was that's where the hole for the vagina was going to be. Up front.

I thought it was up front. Like the belly button almost. Yeah, like below, like front. Right? So I remember I was pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing. I kept pushing. Pushing what? I was going down.

I was poking. I was trying to find the hole. Like progressively getting lower, pushing. Yeah. God. Poking, poking, poking. No hole there. No hole there.

No hole there. No hole there. No hole there. No hole there. Nope. Nope. And then when I finally hit the hole, I was like, well, this has got to be the asshole. I'm so far back. There's no doubt in my mind. This is the asshole.

And I even apologized to her. I'm like, I'm so sorry. She said, for what? I was like, I don't know. Isn't that your asshole? I thought for sure. She's like, you think that's my asshole? I'm like, not anymore.

See, we don't know enough about the anatomy. We really don't. Yeah, not anymore. The first time I saw doggy style sex in porn as a kid, I was like, I did not understand you could be having sex from behind also in the vagina. I figured all doggy style sex was anal. How old were you when you first saw actual porn? So my grandma. Huh? She had one of those illegal boxes a black box yeah super illegal box on grandma so i was probably

in your grandma was watching porn well that that's what's funny is so she wanted all like the movie channels whatever and i can vividly remember her yelling up the stairs you're not watching those dirty channels are you i was like no yeah how that was probably like sixth grade it's like 12 did you guys watch them together did you watch them together not with him i i stole his like porno mags that he had up in his uh in his room he had like the the attic like as a kid he's listening up there uh with my cousin we definitely watched porn together did you sit next to each other or how'd you i was like dual beds like how old again you're probably 12 ish he was probably like 11 or 10 my the first porn i ever saw for my buddy's 13th birthday he had gary miles he had a sleepover and his dad bought us two movies oh so it was

this is intentional this was intentional. This was, again, trying to make your kid... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two movies. By the way, I mean, that's one thing to do for your son. To do that with other people's kids in the room is a bit weird. I don't think I would do that. Two movies.

Warriors. Uh-huh. And the, you know, the porns back then were all movies. Right. It wasn't just scenes. It was a plot. Yeah, so it was an Alice in Wonderland movie. in wonderland movie and i remember we watched the warriors and we were like fucking yeah the fucking wars and we were all laying there and then and all talking and high-fiving and as soon as that

porn went in the place went quiet and everybody laid on their stumps yeah silence and boners a good name for a porno yes silence and boners. That's actually the name of my next book. That's my childhood. That's the Krasinski's movie, A Quiet Place. It's the sequel. The Silence and Boners. Yeah, man. That first porn.

That'll fuck you up, dude. I had no idea. There were so many things I learned. By the way, you know one thing I i learned and i didn't know until later on unfortunately so i had so many embarrassing things first the first girl i ever went down on fell asleep fell asleep yeah that's not a good sign right no okay shit-faced like drunk though or just me or her either i mean we were both excuse to pass out let me ask you a question have you ever been drunk and fallen asleep on someone blowing you well so i have not but my friend did and it like like the hookup gods cursed him like i don't

think he's got a blowjob since he was in ireland studying abroad fell asleep mid blowjob and like he went on a an unheard of dry spell after that well you spit in the face of a blowjob man yeah i've never i've never no no i can't imagine i've you know been drunk enough to not finish to not stay hard but to be yeah to get so bored so i mean that is that is so disrespectful so she fell asleep we had been drinking but not enough to not in my mind no um but that's because you were licking her belly button you didn't You didn't go low enough. This girl, this was also the first girl that I fingered. I didn't know that you were supposed to go in and out. I just left my finger in like I was taking her temperature.

Like I had no idea you were supposed to. Josh, you're terrible at sex. I had no idea. Some of these things are just in and out is a very like innate motion. They go in and out. I thought here we go. Boink. We're in and we're done.

I think i even leaned into her and asked her if it felt good i was like how's that feel i feel good and she might have been asleep for that too yeah it feels like i have a tampon in it feels like you're it wasn't great man no not at all no i was never hopefully you're better now i don't have to be good now i'm married yeah that's so It's like, this doesn't matter anymore. No, it really doesn't. It doesn't, like, and here's the thing. When you're married and you're a dude, you can't try new things.

No. Can't teach an old dog new tricks sort of thing. Because. They're just not doing it. And they're going to ask, where did you learn that? Right. I remember a guy who used to write for us. He was having a conversation with someone else, with his fiancée there. They had just gotten engaged.

And they were talking about a girl fingering her own ass in the middle of sex, like reaching back and doing it herself. Okay. And the guy was talking about it, but then this guy asked the fiancée, and she showed the ring, and she was like, I don't need to finger myself in the ass anymore. That's a single girl game like that's what you're trying to impress that's what you're trying to earn the ring yeah how do you think i got this yeah and that's why i don't have to do it anymore this ring is on the exact last knuckle that was in my ass that's why it's

on this ring yeah no you there's certain things that you don't. I remember being promised blowjobs every morning. We're going to have a room, like a swing and this and that. It just doesn't happen. No. Because honestly, also after a while, I'm like, meh. You don't want to? Yeah. I'm like, meh.

But you know what it is? It's almost like it's there if you wanted it. And I think that's what a marriage needs to at least keep up the facade. That's a good amount of times. And I would tell you my wife and I have sex because I travel a lot. So I would say we have sex every day I'm in town. I mean, that's incredible. What would you say is a good amount to keep it alive?

Yeah. Yeah, we had this question not too long ago. Two or three times a week i i think if you're like married and like older i think if you if you fuck me once a week like i but once a week is just enough time by like by saturday i'm like you know this is ridiculous are you allowed to jerk off yeah yeah what this is america josh well i have i will tell you i have some friends i have some friends whose wives are like they check their phones and check their computers for porn all the time all the time

literally rendered speechless all the time they should divorce those women well what that's so fucked up yeah you're shaming and what i what i also told them i said listen you tell her that's cool but all the things that i'm fantasizing about, you have to do. You have to do. Absolutely. No? Girls should love porn. Yes!

Like, I go back and forth, because on the one hand, it's like, well, I want to put everything inside your asshole, because I saw that on porn. Yeah. And that part of it, girls probably don't love. But it's also like, but I'm getting that out of my system over here, so you don't have to do it. You want us on that wall. You need us on that wall. Do you know what i mean because if we didn't have porn you would be upset with the things that we have show me a show me show

me a woman who has a uh porn addict as a husband and i will show you a happy woman who does not who has a tight asshole yeah and you know what she's like no he doesn't and i guarantee you that guy also he's not hounding her he's not no hounding her he's like, no, he doesn't. And I guarantee you that guy also, he's not hounding her. He's not hounding her. He's like, we can have sex whenever you want. Like once a week is fine. He keeps the world spinning, dude. Yeah.

Like the reason you have time to have a job is because I'm not poking you with this thing 24-7. You get out of the house in the morning because I'm not like, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. You know what's funny? So there was one time we, my wife and I had to go to do um i had to get my sperm counted we were gonna how many did you have like three or four of them well here's the thing you know like i smoke so much weed the guy was like it's not it's really not good for your sperm right but are you having more kids no this was at a time we were thinking okay jesus christ she goes you need to go get your sperm count i said okay so we go in i just come back from vegas and uh we go in and um it was a monday morning she dropped she dropped jacob off of school and they were going in and um we get into the office and the guy goes okay so

we're just gonna need your sperm sample and he goes in by the way you can't have masturbated within the next within 48 hours and i was like we'll see you two days from now see you in 48 hours my wife was like what and i she goes that's today and i said yeah and she said we've been together all day except when i drove jacob to school i'm like yeah whatever the acceptance just so you know whenever you drive jacob to school and i know nobody else is in the house for 15 minutes, that's what's happening. Bro, you can be in the house. I'm going in the bathroom. At any given moment, I might be jerking off. And she asked me recently, she goes,

is it true when guys joke about the first thing they do when they walk into a hotel room is jerk off? I'm like, yeah, it's kind of like peeing on a tree when you're a dog. You're like, this is my room now. Coming on the walls, on the drapes, or whatever. I brought a black light. Did you? Is it bad?

Oh, my God. Is it bad? It's like Room Raiders. It's like the joke is real. Oh, don't do the ceiling in the bathroom. When I did that, I was like, it's like a fuck. You have to cannibal lecture that. Just for fun.

Throw it up there. Yeah. You're just throwing it on the ceiling? By the way, I did respect the ceiling. Because the ceiling, what that tells me, You're just throwing it on the ceiling. By the way, I did respect the ceiling. Because the ceiling, what that tells me, if I'm throwing it on the ceiling, the first thing I'm thinking is, okay, eventually this drops on somebody. Yeah. That's just rude.

It's funny. It's funny. It's kind of funny. You know, because when the shower and it loosens up and the steam comes, it's going to drip. It's raining almost, but it's raining calm now. Jesus Christ. One of my favorite practical jokes I ever played on somebody. I escalate my jokes probably too quickly.

And I think that comes from being the youngest of four boys. It's like, oh, you hit my pencil? I'm going to fuck your sister in the ass. You know what I mean? But there's a kid who thought it would be funny. And he thought it would be funny. And he put something in my bed. He put some shaving cream in my pillow. And I was like,'d be funny. And he did, he put something in my bed, man. He put some shaving cream in my pillow and I was like, okay, funny.

So he had his favorite workout hat and I jerked off in it. And so I would see him in the gym for like a week. I waited a full week. I just saw the sweat. I could see the sweat coming down and I waited a full week. And then I told him, I go, Hey, just so you know, that hat, that sweat that's been coming down your brow. Has any gone in your mouth? Because I came in your hat last week.

He was like, what? I go, don't put shit in my bed. Shit in my bed coming in your hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, but. I came in your hat is a phrase that like quite literally maybe was never uttered until you stepped like. Yeah, no, I've said it a couple times. It has since been said seven or eight times he he i remind him every time i see him i i i would not be friends like i'd be like well like touche yeah but we can't be friends

anymore not like because i'm angry it's just because every time i look at you i'm gonna think you're coming in my hat me wearing it so we're done here yeah yeah but that is also what made it great for me. Even when I see him now. I want to hang out with him all the time. Hey, you want to hang out? I want to remember the time I come in your hat. I told him once. I said, I might tell your kids.

But you can tell. But I have my friends now have kids. My kids are older, so they can't tell them anything. One of my friends that I went to high school with, what I learned at a high school reunion was that he had given himself a nickname, the Iceman. And he told his kid that he had gotten the nickname in high school playing basketball because he was the Iceman. And I didn't know this. I'm at the high school reunion and the kid comes up and, you know, he's – I'm friends with the guy and the kid comes up and I've talked to the kid before.

And he's like, hey, you knew my dad in high school? I'm like, yeah. And he was like, you knew him when he was the Iceman? I was like, what? Say who now? What? I go, what? What is he?

You can't give yourself a nickname. You certainly can't be the Iceman. No. Right? But he was like, yeah. He goes, remember in high school, he used to hit all those shots in the game? First of all, dude never sniffed the court. I didn't, but he definitely didn't.

He certainly wasn't hitting game winners. No. And nobody was certainly calling him the Iceman. So I called him over. And his son's right there. And so what's going through my head? I was going to say, you can either ruin this man and his

son, or you can just let him slide. Or just have some fun. So I looked right at him. I go, hey man, so you know, these stories are always foggy in my head. It's so long ago. But why don't you tell me your favorite story about being the ice man and his face just went fucking blank and i was like pick there's so many of them yeah just pick your favorite one and he was like and he's like looking at you in the eye now he was like we all know what's happening here yes yes and and i he was like nah you don't want to hear those stories. I go, no, you know I do.

Did he give you like a full detailed fake story? Well, his son. I'll tell it for you, Josh. His son was like, tell him a story about a certain game. And he told a great story about a kid on our high school team who did all of that stuff. Who was the ice man. Who did all of that stuff. And I was like, but when when his son walked away he was like thank you so much i'm like i'm not gonna crush your son i would love to crush you you literally

might as well chop that man's head off with an axe rather than do that like that is just right because i mean that guy it would have ruined a childhood it would ruin that it would ruin him he would kill himself and that's that son would be like he would either raise with no father or just not respecting a member and he ends up like a druggie junk addict. Like you could have ruined lives with that. That's the flashback in the TV show where I was like, that's it. That was the moment. And then you just see a kid shooting up with a needle.

Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. I probably saved a life. I'm a hero. You are. I mean, you came in that guy's hat, but you also did that. It all balances out.

It all balances out. I'm also a hero because I feel like you're skirting the issue of you getting on stage. Yeah, you're a hero for putting me on stage, man. All right. Yeah, you're right. The whole reason you're here is to get up on stage, and I'm going to be up there with you tonight. So let's talk about it. The beginning of my illustrious stand-up career starts tonight.

So let's talk about it. It's brought to you by raycon it's 2019 if you if you don't have the wireless earbuds everybody assumes you're poor that's just a flat-out fact every time i wear my uh cord full headphones people shame me they call me poor you don't want to be like that get yourself some wireless earbuds from raycon don't go the apple route don't go get the expensive ones don't go get the ones that don't fit your ears. Raycon buds start about half the price of any of the other premiums. Raycons are

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Get involved. Go to buyraycon.com slash KFC. Get 20% off your order. Buyraycon.com slash KFC. Now, we have a couple of discussions. You, you're going to do some standup tonight. Yep.

Yep. At Gotham. Open for the opener for the opener, right? A couple minutes just to, uh, set the tone and now get my feet wet. I have so many questions.

So many. Okay. First question. What are you most nervous about? Uh, the like physical, like I am used to sitting in a chair in front of a mic in an empty room i am like literally holding the mic where do i look where do i stand what do i how

hot is the room gonna be am i gonna be sweating like that kind of shit like i i think what i've written and come up with in my head is funny stuff that it's probably more podcasty than it is like stand-upy but i added a couple punch lines that i hope all kind of falls in line with what you normally hear just at a club but the like actual if i if i could sit in front of on a table tonight and like this i'd be much more comfortable i will tell you it's interesting i was going to suggest to you because i would tell you a lot like brendan shop brent he's way better at stand-up than he should be, considering the amount of time he's been doing it. Right. But podcast has really let him jump a bunch of steps.

Right. He's comfortable with what his voice sounds like, with how he talks, with all that. All the things that we had to learn, podcast really helped him jump those. So I would agree with you. Just as far as talking, I was going to suggest you to sit on the stool.

Okay. I didn't even know that was allowed. Yeah. I i was going to suggest because if you're more comfortable to sit just be comfortable yeah but i think you're gonna be very conversational yeah probably more conversational than i am like but it's better yeah because i'm definitely not gonna try to be something i'm not so we've all seen bad stand-up yeah and there's nothing more uncomfortable with not only hearing a joke that isn't funny but just something that sounds rehearsed right and i i have no doubt you're not gonna sound rehearsed so you jump a couple steps definitely not because i'm not yeah i probably should sound rehearsed

and i'm not here are your two options for your crowds by the way he scared the shit out of me like i was expecting to be like you're gonna be't worry. He's like, are you doing the late show or the early show? And I was like, I don't know. You tell me, man. And he was like, well,

the, the first show, you know, you're going to be tight on time. You gotta stick to the schedule. And the second show, well, let's just say the crowd is more forgiving.

And I was like, you're going to be fucked up. You're already telling me I'm going to need to be forgiven by the audience. You have to know it's in my nature to want to make you feel nervous. It's my nature. Okay, but I will tell you the truth. Pretend I'm the Iceman. Have some pity on me here.

Then I would say. But the early show, at least I get it over. Yep, and I would say this. And by the way, the wait to me is always the worst. Yeah. I would say, come to the early show, plan on five minutes, let's knock it out. Mm-hmm. And we'll go, and you know what?

They're not as drunk. But is that good or bad? For you, that'll be good. You think so? So drunk, and if you're bad when they're drunk, they're like, fuck you, you suck. They're going to talk to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not sure you want people to talk to you yet.

I don't think so. I mean, that, like, I've often thought, like, if you guys can handle hecklers in a way that's funny and it becomes part of your routine, it's a good thing, I'd be like, fuck you. You know what I mean? I'd just be like a dick to them. But you're ugly. Yeah, that's the, I've actually kind of called someone ugly before. Yeah? So this woman was up front, and she said something to me she her and her boyfriend

were talking and i kept my deal with people who are at my shows if you're talking i go a little while without saying anything to you i want you to annoy the rest of the crowd so then then you're like superhero like i saved you from this asshole and i have free reign to say anything i want yeah you everybody already hates you so it doesn't matter what I say. When you go in too early and too hard. Then you're the dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, whoa, man, take it easy.

Yeah. So this woman and this guy were talking. And up front. So everybody could see it. They're feeding each other food up front. Oh, God. All of a sudden. You already hate them.

Yeah. They're the couple that sits on the same side of the booth. Yeah. That. Yuck. Yuck. If you're the couple that sits on the same side. They go to that yeah oh yuck if you're the couple that sits on the same go to the gym together yeah they sit on bike sex each other and they hold hands

while they pedal oh my god those fucking people oh they drink out of each other's water bottle fuck you so she was saying something and i said something to her she goes nice chicken legs i go yeah i do i do have chicken legs but i can go in the gym and make these bigger. Your face is always going to look like that. Right? So. And it's just like, boom. Yeah.

It's just like. And the crowd couldn't wait. Loved it. Couldn't wait for me to say something to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but like. No, that's, I'm not. But here's the thing.

If there's any hecklers tonight, probably deserve it. You won't have. You're on the show, you won't have any. And my crowds are really nice, man. Here's the thing that I will say about my crowds. Generally, you don't any hecklers tonight, probably deserve it. You're on the show, you won't have any. And my crowds are really nice, man. Here's the thing that I will say about my crowds. Generally, you don't get hecklers. My crowds are people who come to – I don't do politics. I don't do social issues.

I do like long-form fun stories. You know what I mean? And people come to my shows to have fun. That's it. And so my crowds are – they don't heckle. They're there to laugh and have a good time. And if you're telling stories or you're interesting, you're up. Yeah, I mean I plan on just kind of talking about myself in a way that's like, well, that's not going to be wrong because, you know what I mean?

It's not – like I'm not stealing material. I'm not – it's just talking about myself, which I hopefully is interesting enough. But it's also funny too though. Like in the beginning, I was like, how long do I have to be up there? And then I got to a point – I kind of ran through things with francis who does stand up here and he was like timing me and he was like oh that was already like six something minutes so you know people are laughing you might go too long and then all of a sudden i'm like well now i need i need 12 minutes i mean you know what if i'm funny what if they like me everybody hey

wolf uh you're opening for me. I'm the feature now. It's funny how quickly you worry about the other side of things. Yeah, don't worry about them laughing too hard. We'll probably be good. It's a nice idea. I just interviewed. What if they laugh too much? Yeah.

I just interviewed Gabriel Iglesias, and I asked him, is there ever a moment where you're nervous to be on stage anymore, or is it totally second nature? And he was like, well, yeah like sometimes you go on like the tonight show and they give you like a four minute window and the crowd's laughing too much and then you get nervous and i was like fuck you yeah that's not because he said it's so genuine he really meant it like and then i'm pressed for time because they're just you know raucous laughter all the time and i was like you're such a dick that's not like a day later i'm like i caught myself

starting to worry about that i was like are you fucking kidding me dude you've literally never done this they're probably not going to laugh one time. Yeah, what if Gabriel Gracia said. Yeah, if Fluffy says it, then, you know, KFC has got to feel it. I get nervous when I know I'm going to try new jokes. I can imagine because it's like you're used to it, but if the material's new, then you never know. Yeah, well, but it's more like good nerves. Yeah.

But, you know, if you're a musician, there's so many obvious differences. But one of the big differences between being a musician and a stand-up, and why stand-up to me is the hardest, is because if I write a song, you and I write a song, we practice it in the studio for three months before anybody hears it. If I'm writing a joke, there's no way. The first time is still. I just have to do it in front of people.

And so I have to show them all the warts. And think about this also for music. If you and I put out three albums and there were 12 songs on every album and 10 of the songs were garbage, but two of the songs were hits, we would be stars. Massive. Yeah. If,

if I'm a standup and I put out three albums and only two of the tracks are funny and the rest are garbage, you wouldn't even get to three albums. You would be one and done. You'd suck. It's such a different expectation. The percentages. That's why I think it's so scary. Especially,

you know, I, at least I heard technically speaking, it's like what a punchline every 15 seconds or something like that. Right. But the fact that that's even in existence, like they better be laughing out loud every 15 seconds. It's like,

what the fuck? No, no, no. Podcasts has changed that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. It's like, what the fuck? No, no, no. Podcasts has changed that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's like people are a little more invested. They'll tell stories. If it's interesting.

You're along for the ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All that stuff. That's what I'm hoping to do. How many punchlines are in your five minutes? I mean, I don't even, you know, punchlines? Don't say that. I would say there's kind of like, you know, it's almost like five pieces, like five minute long pieces almost.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. That's great. I'm looking forward to it, man. You know, I think you are not. It sounds like you're just relishing the moment where it's crickets out there. You know what's annoying is I would love to bomb. Barstool, coming in as a part of Barstool almost makes it harder because I feel like if people do know me or I feel like I'm representing a place that does have a pretty high bar for funny.

Like if I just went out there myself and I bombed, I'd almost be like, you know what? That's like an experience that you go through. But it's almost like if I bomb, it's like a bad look or something for Barstool. Are you going to say – is that going to be part of the intro for you that you work at Barstool? Because I would say not to do that yeah because you don't want that kind of pressure your first time in well i also think it's either you know if you know me you know me and if you don't i don't think by even if i were saying people would be like oh i know what that is and now i'm changing yeah i wasn't going to say it but i wouldn't i wouldn't i would i'm looking forward to a man and part of me look part of me hopes you crush and

part of you hopes I bomb the friend the friend part of me hopes you crush yeah the comic part of me yeah man there's nothing

more beautiful watching somebody eat shit the problem is the sweat the sweat that's my problem the face sweat I sweat like all the time

I sweat when I do you face sweat yeah oh I can't wait the forehead will be glistening oh listen can i film it yeah yeah fuck it right because here's what happens what's so funny in the moment i'll hate bombing yeah right afterwards i'll be like yo give me that video you're not

gonna because i want to i want to put it out you know what i mean it's like i do all this shit for content and like it's good content one way or the other. Dude. But in the moment of bombing, it's going to be like, wow, these minutes have turned into hours. I have an incredible fear of heights. What a pussy this guy is. Recently in New Zealand, I jumped off of a tower, 692 feet. And so they shot a video.

Now, the video, just like you said the video i was like oh that's not that i was i kept it together pretty good so i didn't know this they started jumping or what it's it's a static jump so you jump straight down you land on the ground i don't understand what that means you like it slows you down yeah you fall free fall you fall fall fall and then it slows you down on the ground that's cool so the there's like a 15 feet maybe a little more 20 feet from the desk to the edge of the needle i didn't know they were filming right when you got off the elevator like itching up like yo it took you like an hour to get not only did i not know they were filming i didn't know there was audio oh no in that one part you can hear me go i'm not fucking there's no fucking way

i'm doing this and they're like you paid for it sir i don't give a fuck if i paid for this i'm bail on flights bro i don't know but that video looking at it now yeah it's very funny right oh i mean i almost hope i do either well or bomb i hope you don't want to be in the middle i hope you your last couple jokes redeem you. Yeah, but your first three. I want the total opposite. I just want someone to laugh early and then I'm good. I'll laugh early, especially if you bump.

Just so you know, the last thing I need is this. You'll be in the background. Fuck you, man. My set will turn into that. If I hear you laughing at me bombing, I'm like, how about this asshole and his stupid laugh? Fuck this guy. Oh, it's going to will turn into that. If I hear you laughing at me bombing and like, how about this asshole? His stupid laugh. Fuck this guy. Oh,

it's going to be so much fun. I can't wait, man. I would say come to the early show. Okay. All right. Come to the eight o'clock. How about, you know,

I'll do the early show and when I kill it, I'll just, I'll go on after you for the late show. Perfect. Actually, if you wouldn't mind just doing my set of the late show, I'll show you how it's done. Yeah, man. I appreciate it. I appreciate the opportunity the opportunity because and and more so the uh you know getting

me to do it because i we've got our own we so and the reason i'm really doing this we have our show on july 12th uh at caroline's and i was like i gotta i gotta i want to have some sort of warm up i want to be back in the game a little bit so yeah timing couldn't be better and i'm hoping it goes well enough that it's like let's just fucking do this every month let's just you know yeah let's get let's turn this part of like let's have this whole new career really so uh man let's see man i'm really not like there's a lot riding on it i'm just like basing basically basing this five minutes on what my career is going to be next yeah i would i would not judge if you're going to be a good comic or not by this set yeah probably not yeah i would i would not judge if you're gonna be a good comic or not by this set

yeah probably not yeah i would say i would you can judge it the answer is gonna be new yeah i remember by the way the very first joke i ever told on stage i was 15 years old my mom see that's what's annoying if you know i was 15 my mom and dad 34 oh yeah you're gonna eat shit my mom and dad drove me to the show and my mom was in the front row and this was the first joke i ever told was hey everybody my name is josh i'm 15 years old i'm excited front row. And this was the first joke I ever told was, hey, everybody, my name is Josh. I'm 15 years old. I'm excited to be here because this is the first fucking time

I'll be able to fucking swear in front of my cock fucking mom. And the place went, yay! And I was like, yeah, I'm doing this. This is what I like. But maybe one of those jokes will happen for you. Maybe I'll just say that exact joke. I would love it. 34 years old and first time. I would love it. 34 years old

and first time. I would love it, man. What do you got going now? You've been doing YouTube. You've been doing is the Facebook show still going?

You've been doing the late night Facebook show? Tell the people where to catch it. Okay, the Facebook show is every Tuesday night on my Facebook fan page. It's called Controlled Chaos.

It's like a mixture between At Midnight and Pee Wee's Playhouse. It's really weird. It's a Controlled Chaos. It's like a mixture between At Midnight and Pee Wee's Playhouse. It's really weird. It's a weird fun show. That's a great description. It's a weird fun show, but we don't do any politics.

We don't do any real social issues. We just have fun. It's me, three comics. My son Jacob is one of my co-hosts, and I dress him in weird clothes every week. It's just a ton of fun, man.

We get some great fucking guests so that i do every tuesday night on my facebook fan page at i guess 10 o'clock eastern um and my youtube page is just it's been blowing up man i mean or blowing up you look at the subscriber numbers it's fucking it's been crazy it's been crazy so but but i feel better as a stand-up now than i ever have i podcast and the fact that people listen to podcasts has helped my style because I like long-form stories, right? Yeah, you're born for that. So like podcasts has made people be able to sit and listen instead of demand that 15. Right.

I don't write jokes that well. But I can tell a story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean that's podcast coming around for you. It must be perfect then if I bomb when the next side comes on I bet this guy's podcast would fucking suck okay

just so you know the more times you say you bomb you're gonna bomb you just gotta get up there man because at the end of the day I really believe this bomb or crush. I'm going to enjoy it and want to do it more.

Yeah. Bomb or crush. I'm going to have that rush, that itch. Because the bomb part. You think maybe my asshole is going to tingle a little bit? Yeah, your asshole is going to tingle a little bit. You're going to get your spidey sense. That's where I feel when there's danger.

Yeah. I feel like, man, I really do think, because I've talked to you about this a couple times. I think you're going to be good. I hope so. We'll find out. I mean, I don't think I would be doing talked to you about this a couple times. I think you're going to be good. I hope so. We'll find out. I mean, I don't think I would be doing it if I thought I was truly going to bomb. So I think I'm going to be all right. Well, listen, we'll have the video.

As you're listening to this, it'll already be out, the video. Are you going to post the video before this comes out? No, we'll probably do it simultaneously. How about that? You guys should critique it while you're— Oh, that's good. We'll do that on Gold. We'll do that on Gold. We'll do it on barcelogold.com slash KFC.

We'll watch it here, and you guys can critique me bomb. See, that's actually good. Now I'm like, let's bomb. Let's fucking bomb. It'll be like 10 times more content if I bomb. Or, I mean, if you crush. And not only that, here's the difference between doing well. I'm going to do well because those people are there to see me.

I know. That's what's cheating. They're not there to see me. They're like, do well because those people are there to see me I know that's what's cheating you know they're not there to see me they're there to see me so I've just recently the more the YouTube stuff has happened

really started to feel like oh yeah this joke isn't that funny but they're just laughing it's like the hooker yeah yeah yeah you know what I mean my dick's not that big

this joke isn't that funny it's good that you still know though because I think if you lose that grounding it's like now you think you're the funniest man in the world no

that's what the comedy store is good for the comedy store in LA they'll put you back in, because I think if you lose that grounding, it's like now you think you're the funniest man in the world. No. That's what the Comedy Store is good for. The Comedy Store in L.A. They'll put you back in your place. They'll let you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, this joke crushes on the road. Not so much here. Okay.

Good to know. Good to know. Have you had Joey Diaz on this podcast? No. We've put the ask out, and I think it'll eventually materialize, but yeah. Yeah. He would fit in really well. And everyone wants him for, we're going to take you over right now and do Answer the Internet. Oh, I can't wait. He would do. Oh, he would fit in really well and everyone wants him for we're

gonna take you over right now and do answer the internet oh i can't wait oh he was you know he was he babysat my kids oh yeah yeah because yeah an interesting choice by you josh i didn't have any money i didn't have any money i was like oh long ago i've known him forever you know he used to sleep on my couch and my one of my and i will go to the internet. He used to babysit the kids. He never wore underwear. My daughter was probably five. And he bent over to pick something up. And I had just walked in.

And she ripped some hairs out of his ass crack. And she goes, how many? And he goes, oh, it felt like five that time. And I was like, that time? What do you mean that time? This is the game you're playing? And I go, what is that game? And he goes, oh, she loves that game. I go, yeah, but I hate it, dude.? What do you mean, that time? This is the game you're playing? And I go, what's that game? And he goes, oh, she loves that game.

I go, yeah, but I hate it, dude. There's some board games over there. You don't want to play Twister or what the fuck? And you wonder why she came home with a girlfriend one day. Yeah, that was her interaction with men. I wouldn't like that either.