KFC Radio - Josh Wolf Returns, Larry the Cable Guy, and She Buried the Beans

Episode Date: April 16, 2020

Don't forget to subscribe, give five stars, and leave a review! We're at the point of quarantine that John is officially becoming bored. AITA Thursday returns with a girlfriend who may be a russian sleeper agent, a girl who peed into a bottle on a roadtrip, and an engagement being broken off because the girlfriend buried his beans. Voicemails include men using filters on dating apps, sports tapestries in the bedroom, and underwhelming superstars. Josh Wolf returns to the show. We start of discussing how much we're crushing quarantine, Josh tells us why his outlook on why he loves weird stuff, and we discuss the infamous video he sent to Kevin that took Barstool HQ hostage for a week. Larry the Cable Guy joins the show. We discuss how he got his start on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, having an iconic look, saying your catch phrase to bring joy to people, and much more.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Week five of quarantine, and we're into a new frontier, I think, John. It sounds like even maybe you are getting bored. Well, here's the deal. So there's a lot. There's a lot to happen here.

First of all, I want to just address this. Let's get out in front of it. I'm being a bit of a cunt today, just in, in my own head. I'm not doing it outwardly, but I've motherfucked basically everyone today. Uh,

not, not in family, just, just business people and work people and strangers on the internet, which that one's not new, but I've been very perturbed all day. Uh, and I think that might mean it's starting to get to me a little bit.

Okay. Let me also get out in front of mine. I have a fucking huge pimple on my head and that's been bothering me. Okay. We'll both do our best to hide it for the next hour. Sometimes you just have one of those days. And I feel like, I feel like as a man,

you're not allowed to have those days as much I feel like girls have those days like four days a week and they either blame it on their period or they blame it on something but girls are allowed to just be fucking assholes all the time I'm not being an outward asshole it's all internalized I'm doing it right

but there have been that's what guys do we have bad days and we just shut our mouths about it girls could be assholes and then they'll just be like i'm sorry i was just hangry and it's like and the guys are always just like okay whatever i don't want to continue like this fight so whatever we're fine whereas if a guy was just i'm gonna imagine if you were just like a fucking dickhead to your girlfriend all night and then you were like i'm sorry i just needed a snack no i can't laugh at that because i'm i do that it's not like i'm not like a dickhead dickhead but i have a sharp change in personality when i'm hungry that's what when you talked to me before

this and said you ready to rock and i said give me two minutes that's the one is i had to get this some pistachios and i just like hope that helped yeah you get something i don't get that i i i don't get that feeling i don't think i uh do the hangry thing like because i'm surprised by that with you because you don't you go long long patches without eating yeah that's why you're always an asshole i i i can i can be like dead fucking starving and I don't think I'll be an asshole about it. No, I mean, the thing is, too, I know it. Like, I know I'm just hungry right now. So I do my best once I do it, once I feel it hit, to go get some food.

But I'm like, I can tell I'm being a different person, and I know it in a while, so I'm going to get it. But that's not what the whole problem is. I blogged it on Saturday, it was just like I woke up. I wasn't even out of bed yet. I was like, I'm bored. It's why we're so lucky. One of the many reasons we're so lucky to still have a job because Monday to Friday I got shit to do. But I woke up, grabbed my laptop, and blogged a blog about how I'm bored without ever getting out of bed.

It was an immediate thing. And that's when I think I learned. I realized that I touched on it with Delia the other day. I realized that I don't like doing nothing. I like not doing other things. Right. And that's – The beauty of nothing is blowing off your plans or responsibilities or not having to do things. But when you take away all the things you have to do, there's no satisfaction. Right, right.

I kind of joked about it. And we've joked about it a lot before. And it was always, to me, it was a joke. And now I'm like, oh, no, that's serious. Like I haven't started Ozark yet. Iark yet i started i started 10 minutes of it so i but i finally did that yesterday so when i'd written the blog i had not started it um but i like i don't like i don't like watching netflix because it's not doing something and instead of doing something else does it make sense yeah like you I wrote that blog on a Saturday.

You could have asked me every other Saturday for the entirety of my life, what are you up to today? And with confidence and gusto, I would have told you nothing, chilling on the couch. And I'd have been happy as a fucking clam to be doing it. And now I'm like, what are you doing? Nothing. Because on the other times I'm sitting on the couch, I was not at the park.

I was not at the gym. I was not shopping. I was not cooking. I was not doing other things. I was avoiding things. And that was enough for me. And now I'm not avoiding anything and I miss it. Yes.

I don't even like scrolling Twitter anymore because it's not a vehicle of procrastination. Right. Yeah, that's what it is. You enjoy procrastinating, and with no responsibility, goal, work to achieve, you can't procrastinate. Like, you can't do it. You used to say in college all the time, like, oh, I write my best papers the night before, which was total bullshit. But I think it was real.

I think I wrote my – You need a little pressure. You need a little time constraint, and there just is none now. Yeah, I'm a clutch player. You're Eli Manning, bro. You need like that two-minute drill, and then when you don't have it, you're just like this average fucking middle-of-the-road quarterback. Yeah, you want me to go take an at-bat in fucking June?

Pass. Don't care. We're going to get up for game seven of the World Series. That's when I'll step in. But there is no game seven. There's no World Series. There's nothing right now, so you're just going to be of the world series. That's when I'll step in. But there is no game seven. There's no world series. There's nothing right now. So you're just going to be mediocre the whole time.

It's just on Saturdays and Sundays. And then during the week, I'll be a little bitch. See, I learned this after getting divorced, where I've explained this before. When I had an hour to myself, I loved to just sit on the couch, do nothing, jerk off, watch Netflix, because I knew that responsibility was looming and it was going to come back at five o'clock.

And so I had the afternoon to myself. And then when you have nothing but the afternoon to yourself, it's you don't have that same. It really ties into everything we've been talking about recently. When Louis C.K. was talking about, you know, having sex as a gay guy when it was taboo. You need that extra something to make you feel like whatever you're doing is special. And even if it's nothing, if nothing is no longer special, nothing becomes unenjoyable. Nothing used to be special because you're an adult, you have a job, you have a girlfriend, you have family, and in my case, kids and responsibility. So nothing is this, oh my God, I can't wait.

Now, nothing but nothing. Variety isn't the spice of life. Variety isn't the spice of life. Procrastination is. Variety isn't the spice of life. Avoidance is. Avoiding responsibilities is the spice of life. That's a really fucking, that's that extra little dash

that really makes a TV show great. That's Salt Bae just sprinkling a little fucking on there. We've talked about how you're so lucky to have a special come out or a uh a new show to drop during quarantine but i i think more people will watch it i think less people will enjoy it because there's not that little extra to it yeah i mean you're still lucky because numbers and numbers ratings are ratings viewers are viewers and you're going to get that number. But I mean, I also, I'm the type, if me and you watch a show together, more so with a chick, if I'm with a girlfriend or a girl, we're watching a show, it's like a date situation sort of thing, I'm really watching. But if me and you were to sit down right now and watch a show too,

I'd put my phone down and I'd be like, we're watching a show, we're watching a movie. When I'm all by myself and there's just no reason for me to be polite or engaged. I'm just constantly on my phone or let me open up the blog. And I realized I'm like, I haven't Ozark. I liked Ozark a lot. I really did. So that captivated me. Other than that, I've tried to start series that I missed seasons that I never saw shows

that have been recommended, recommended. And I'm just like, I need somebody to keep me accountable. I need someone else to be in the room so that I don't feel like, all right, I gotta be polite to that person. If I don't feel that I ain't going to, I'm going to be on my phone. I'm not going to pay attention and I'm not actually going to watch

anything. The overwhelming irony of I'm not watching TV in quarantine is fucking crazy. It's not because it's again, luckily I have that with chaps, chaps, chaps has asked me to start the West wing. So i've been watching west wing and he's kind of keeping me accountable he's actually keeping me too accountable he's texting me every day like

you enjoying west wing even that i mean yeah i guess you could do that over the phone but i feel like i need someone in the fucking room to be like we're watching this you know otherwise i'm always going to be on my phone yeah the the uh complimentary viewer is yeah is is necessary the complimentary viewer important the avoidance important the show that's third right it really is the setting has got to be right and it's uh it's alone together is like that's why alone together is so good and right now there's no together you're just alone and you got no reason to be you got no reason to be excited about being and you got no reason to be excited about being alone. You got no reason to be excited about doing nothing. You got

no reason to be excited about the show because there's no one to, hey, did you see that? Or like, oh my God, react, talk about it. So it's kind of too much of nothing. It's too much nothing and guess what? That weighs on. I had

a buddy call me today. I'm like, what are you up to? And I talked to him over the weekend. So I talked to him three days ago. He's like, I'm driving in circles. That was literally what he was doing. He was driving in circles. And I was like, ha-ha.

So what else is up? He's like, dude, I just told you. Nothing. That's it. And what are you going to be doing tomorrow? Driving in circles. I think we're going to start inventing stories. Like they had to do in the... Storytelling?

Like the old times, you tell a tale. Most of the stories we're telling in modern times are just things that happened in our lives. Before they had to get creative as a bitch and just fucking tell stories. You're like, gather around, children. And then there was a princess and she had an evil mother.

I worry that all the stories have been told, because princesses with an evil mother is pretty tapped out, I think. But there's just nothing to talk about. There's nothing to say. By the way, how fucking awesome has it got to feel? If you're in Disney or pixar just a movie writer or whatever parasite writer you just like nail a story like that that the world like universally agrees like what a great fucking tale that is that's incredible oh speaking of tales

speaking of tales this is this is a weird segue but. I just blogged it. Rob Gronkowski is such a goddamn legend. Did you see that story? So it's like the 10 years. It's been 10 years since he was drafted. He was drafted in 2009, I think, whatever it was. And it's the oral history with a lot of the Patriots scouting guys and stuff like that. Right.

And it's talking about how they were nervous drafting him because he's Rob Gronkowski. And there were two stories that were so fucking perfectly wrong. One was the – I forget what scout it was, but sitting down with him, and he said, you know, it was my job to get to know him, and I'm taking notes. And, you know, I've been telling Bill, this guy's great. This guy's great. We've got to get him.

And I ask him what he likes to do besides football. And most guys have books they read or movies they watch or video games they play. And Gronk said, I like to watch cartoons. And he said, what cartoon do you like to watch? And he went, SpongeBob. And he started laughing. And this guy was like, I'm sitting there thinking, dude, you've got to help me. You've got to help me out. Yeah, give me something.

I'm going to help you out every day. I can't go back and tell him what you like to do besides play football is watch SpongeBob SquarePants. But then the other one was it was a pre-draft interview. So this is the big meeting, right? This is – he comes to Patriot Place, comes to Foxborough. He's got a $1,500 suit that Drew Rosenhaus bought him. And he's waiting in Nancy Meyer's waiting room, who's like the head of scouting.

And she's been there for 44 years. And they come out to get him for the interview. Gronk is asleep. Gronk is not asleep. He's not asleep in his chair, Kevin. He laid down, took his suit jacket off, folded it up into a pillow, and was just taking a nap in the waiting room on the floor. Like, he didn't doze off.

He's like, I'm going to bed. He made a conscious decision. I'm going to bed at one Patriot place. Robert Kraft might walk by. Bill Belichick might walk by. Tom Brady might walk by. Doesn't matter. I need nappy nap.

I mean, that's particularly out there. And it's even crazier to do, you know, as a prospective professional athlete. But there's something about, like, I mean, remember Jetski went to sleep at Barstool. And like when you're a younger kid at that age, I think you're still – like your brain is still developing. I think you're still an absolute fucking idiot. Oh, see, I went back and forth because, first of all, it is absolutely insane. It's idiocracy embodied, right? Yeah. Because like especially with the New England Patriots.

At the Cleveland Browns. This is... Did you see my stat that I told Koli today? That the Patriots could go 0-144 and the Browns could go 144-0 and then at the start of the

2028 season, they would have the same franchise winning percentage. Oh, my God. That is gross. Oh, my God. I literally just gagged for a second. Oh, my fuck. 144-0 versus 0-144, and at the end of it, same.

Holy shit. But like, interviewing with the Patriots, that's like interviewing at Apple. That's like interviewing at Google. You better be on your P's and Q's, your R's, all that shit. And he was still like, look, I'm grump. I'll be fine. In a weird way, I can see Bill liking that.

Weirdly, I respect. It's one of those urban legends, you know, I'm going to put in my interview empty or my essay is going to be blank or whatever. Like, yeah, and then I went to put in my interview empty or my essay is going to be blank or whatever. Like, yeah. And then I went to sleep because I do what I do. Like, I catch footballs and I fucking watch SpongeBob and I nap. You want in or not? You know?

It's like, okay, all right. Fuck yeah. How much was that? Like, I'm jealous of that. I resent that where it's like I would kill to have that level of A, talent, or or be self-confidence where it's just like like like there are so many guys in the nfl who have to grind and and like be be 100 at best at all times just to get a shot dude i'm but it's i i don't even know if like i don't think gronk had a a thought process of like shouldn't do this but i'm good enough so. So I'm gonna, I think he was like, you know, I think at that, at that age, you know, I don't think jet ski was thinking like,

I can pull this off. I think he was just like, well, when you're hungry, you eat. And when you're tired, you sleep. So I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed right now. What's the big deal. And it's like, just things like that, that you, you look back on. I mean, I, I. I mean, yeah, no, I didn't get caught. But one time I was working on a summer job. I was working as like an engineer's assistant. And like we were basically just like painting and mopping this building. But I went up into this like engine room and I laid on the floor and went to sleep. I used the – it was like, you know when you get a box and you don't have packing peanuts but you have

like a bag of air yeah yeah i use that as my pillow i went to fucking sleep and then guys who i who i worked for came in the room to like get measurements off of these like big uh machines that they were you know like this is operating at like a thousand watts per minute whatever and i was like around the corner sleeping and i woke up hearing them come in and i i popped around the corner being like oh what's up guys they just sent me up here to like clean up uh what are you guys doing up here and they were like they knew something was up but i just tried to cut it off before they could find me and it was just like yeah i mean you sleep on the job sometime what what why no you fucking moron and then so i start to think what are the things i'm doing now that i'm gonna look back on and be like can you believe when you were 35 you

used to do what you know or is there a part where you like no like you get to like we're smart now i think well we're not smart enough i think we've plateaued with things that are out out of the question maybe like something i don't know like like sometimes we'll do a late night podcast and you do a little buzz. Maybe drunk podcasting. But I mean, I think that's different. Yeah. It's different than like complete disregard

for social norms that you like have when you're like 20 or whatever. Dude, when we were 20, we built a nap nook. We were building a house. We just built a nap nook and then took it down When we were 20, we built a nap nook. We were building a house and we just built a nap nook. And then took it down when we were done. Nap nook is such a fucking great term.

It was just like you put up the little ladder, you crawled up there, and you nap. It was like, don't worry, it was just free of charge to the fucking homeowners. We got this, don't worry. This one's on us. And what you learn, though, is that when you're that age and growing up, that everyone's an asshole. And so time to get into our Thursday, Am I the Asshole?

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But as long as you're comfortable, that's the most important thing. I got the best pair you'll ever wear, or it's free, guaranteed, from Tommy John. Go to TommyJohn.com slash KFC for 25% off your full order. That's TommyJohn.com slash KFC. Today's Am I the Asshole? We got a couple fucking doozies for you and uh i'm gonna start here with this one maria texted us uh tweeted us a couple days ago and said she'd love to hear our thoughts on this relationship so this right here this is like a mi the asshole slash

borderline like murder mystery story because because there's some serious red flags here. It's a little bit long. Buckle up, though. Story time. Okay. It was four years ago that I met my girlfriend. I was in university. I joined a dating site.

Important. Remember that. And we ended up chatting, really clicking, and then dating. A year ago, we moved in together. Throughout our relationship, we've always been very different people with her being much more confident and extroverted than me. However, I've always been saying, I've always been much more emotionally open than her. She's never been one to talk about herself. She's very chatty and easy to talk to, but she avoids any personal topics, especially anything from her personal life and her past. Okay. Now she's always been great fun.

And I quickly learned just not to ask questions about her family or her past, uh, at risk of upsetting her. The few times I've, the few, the few minor tidbits I've got, I gather she had abusive parents and she's totally cut off from them for all she for all he knows they might be dead uh point is he knows not to ask about the family for me there's nothing in my life i wouldn't share with my partner i totally respect though uh that she doesn't have the same openness because of past experiences nonetheless there's been some things that have always bothered me firstly she was always eager to meet my friends but she never wanted to meet she never wanted me to meet hers after about a year of us dating,

I even joked that I don't think I could come up with a name of a single friend of hers, but her reaction told me to drop it, so I did. To date, I could still not tell you a single thing about any of her friends. To clarify, she does, and this is where it gets even worse. To clarify, she does spend as much time with her friends as I do with mine and has done for our entire relationship, but I've never met them. She's never talked about them other than saying things like, we're going out for a few drinks tonight. I was out with the girls. She's also never had social media. She has a laptop with an email, but she says she hates social media sites.

And she doesn't even have a cell phone. She makes calls from our landline, but maintains that she hates technology and that quote, it's not a real way to talk to people. It's not a view I share. It's kind of inconvenient, but I always respected it. Lately, things have been getting a little weird. This past year, I've been considering proposing, but all these things have weighed getting a little weird this past year i've been considering proposing but all these things have weighed on my mind my friends have mentioned a few times how weird it is that i've told them i've never met her friends since she regularly spends time with them what's more uh we have discussed wedding plans quite a few times since she wants a very small wedding

uh just just family uh doesn't want to be a large affair. And whenever she talks about guests, she only lists his friends. Another issue has developed since we've moved in that's kind of creepy. I've answered the landline quite a few times and people say nothing. I say hello a few times before they hang up. And then they usually call back a minute later. If I answer again, it's the same lack of response and then there's no more calls. But if she's around and she answers,

she starts to chat it up with her friends. I brought it up to her and she's just brushed it aside. Although it's baffling to me that she would apparently have people calling, all of whom will say nothing unless it's her speaking. The most recent time this happened was a few months ago. I put it out of mind. But then the other day I saw her handbag on the back of a chair,

and there was clearly a cell phone visible. It was a shitty old phone, like one that I might have had 10 years ago, not a smartphone, but it's still a cell phone. Obviously, I want to respect her privacy. I don't want to push her to talk to things about she's not comfortable with. But these multiple things all seem wrong. Why have I never met her friends or family?

Why do I get weird phone calls? And now the curiosity is driving me crazy. So, this is like the beginning of a fucking movie plot, let alone an am i the asshole girlfriend situation the people who come on these fucking apps and have these fucking questions are insane people and it's always it's always like right before the wedding they always like yeah i know

i know you've been planning the wedding but anyway she speaks russian in her sleep and she fucking slaughters goats in the basement and hoops sandwiches and eats those are these red flags i'm missing should i be worried that's a red flag there's a lot of people i haven't seen that since like whatever the last spy movie i watched was where just someone doesn't speak and you hear them breathe on the other phone other line and they hang up. That's spy shit 101. This shit is fucking salt. She's Angelina Jolie. 100%.

This is awesome. I was in once, like, look, realistically out on this entire relationship, but for the first half, I was fucking in. Yeah. Again, to kind of go back to guys and girls dynamics, this entire relationship but for the first half i was fucking in yeah it's like well you know what

again to kind of go back to guys and girls dynamics like if a girl if i bring something up to a chick on dating and she's like bro drop it i don't want to talk about it i'd be like okay you scare me a little bit you're the boss whatever and that would be that so we just don't talk about your friends or family at all the opposite it would never fly you would you'd have to figure it out and talk about it and there would be demands because girls are not like they would be like no this is fucking weird and we need to figure this out but yeah i would be totally down with just like as a matter of fact sounds ideal like anything there are some parts that are great some parts that aren't yeah but i mean if it was

just if i had a girlfriend who who consistently went out with her girlfriends uh left me alone like it sucks if your girlfriend doesn't have any friends and then she becomes like part of your friends and then it's like you just lose all of your independent life to her but if it's like yeah she goes out with her friends and then also she doesn't bother me with stories about them like can you believe what amanda did that sounds ideal sure a little bit weird but but okay i can work with that i don't have a cell phone and then you find the cell phone that's not good well her yeah that i mean that's obviously that that's a relationship that's a yeah that's a crazy like lie that you just cannot have. But I respect a person who's like, I don't – that's not how you communicate with people.

Kevin, I recently watched a documentary about whiskey. I only communicate with people over whiskey now. It's the only way it's done, okay? There was – Whiskey and podcasts. I've done that multiple times during this documentary. But the – also, another way of speaking about communicating with people, I read bits and pieces of a Kanye West, who I'm hashtag done with,

expose in GQ today. You know that Weidelberg is a sucker for a good expose on GQ. I am, but I stopped. It was too much. So you had said to me, we got a new GQ article on Kanye. It's going to be a real test for my hashtag done status. Did it reinforce your hashtag done? Yeah.

He's starting a cult. It's not even a glorified cult. It's a straight up cult. That's what all his land in Wyoming is for, is to test. He's experimenting with, instead of medications, it's sunlight and happiness.

I always hated the guy. I didn't think it would get any worse. Now I really fucking can't stand him. The easy fix line is service wear and service to the Lord. I will give him this. The church they're building on this cult campus is pretty fucking sick.

I'm sure. It's all in the ground. It's just like there's a hole in the ceiling so sunlight beams in. It's pretty fucking dope. But he also said that the author I forget who it was,

but he said to start the interview, can I start my recorder? And Kanye said that words are the base level of human communication. He's into beeping at his friends. Beep, beep! Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Did he give an example? Is that what

we're talking about? He's just literally... I know there were no examples. It was just... I fucking hate this man so goddamn much. I think that, I mean, I've been hashtagged on forever. You're now hashtagged on. I think a lot of people are going to start to join up. At what point, and you admitted this too.

You admitted that his music's been mediocre recently, right? Yes. So at what point does he need to, and at what level does that album need to be a banger but he's got to put out a good a really good album if he really wants to keep the people like us he'll have his cult but if he wants to keep the fringe people he's got to make a good song too no i'd be surprised if he does it again if he makes any music again i i would be pretty surprised it seems like i think he's it would take another as this article explained it was like uh the car accident was one pivotal moment of his life

and then his his mental uh hospital stay was another and since then it's been very i think they would say there would need to be another pivotal whoa moment of his life for him to kind of i don't know Maybe he'll make more religious music and service music and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do not – from what I gather, I would be surprised to see Kanye West just rapping. You think he doesn't need to? You think the fans he has will just be his fans for life now even if he doesn't make music? I think he'll get new ones because of all the religious bullshit.

All the religious bullshit, all the Trump bullshit. I think he'll get new ones, because it's all the religious bullshit. All the religious bullshit, all the Trump bullshit. I think he'll get new fucking lunatics. I think he's probably breaking into a different market than he's ever broken into. Maybe he's going to run for president one day. God, I hope not. But anyway, back to these people.

So, how about this? So, the phone call, the phone rings. If she picks up, they talk. What if she is dialing the landline from her phone? Why would you do that to give the illusion so so she dials and picks up and can hi hi stacy how you doing i've got friends she's just talking to nobody oh i like that so she just needs the phone to ring by the way it's this whole couple's kind of weird i know some people have landlines

but like very few dude i mean i technically have one i don't have a landline but i have yeah they make you do that right yeah but so annoying i'll pop up on tv like i don't have a phone where it's like you gotta call from oh yeah yeah yeah it's like no i fucking don't stop it yeah um how about this though met on a dating site this girl doesn't even have a though? Met on a dating site. This girl who doesn't even have a cell phone meets on a dating site? What's that, like, J-Date shit? I don't know. I mean – The old school dating sites, you can still have a website.

Yeah, like, maybe you can access it from a computer. I think dating site now means, like, Tinder or Bumble. Yeah, like an app. Usually it's a dating app. But if you also, are you the type to like, you know, she's like, I don't, I don't talk to people. That's not a way to communicate, but also I'm going to find my love through the internet. Yeah.

She's going to kill him. She's already killed him. I don't think she's going to kill him. I think she's killing other people. I think this is her cover. She has an American like life, you know, is like jessica and for real her name is like you know natalia and she she's a russian murderer they lost him folks he's gone what if John just got murdered you know what if what if John in general got murdered what if I get the call next week hi Kevin it's Benny John's been murdered what next What would I do?

I'd probably like knowing him like goodwill hunting. I would just be like, okay, what's next? Like Nick, let's do, am I the asshole? You know, like,

I feel like he just wouldn't want me to cry. He wouldn't want me to be sad. He wouldn't want me to replace him. This would just become a true crime podcast. We'd have to figure out who killed John. But I also would be like, you know, I'd give it like a day of work. It'd be like if it wasn't very, if there wasn't a super obvious lead, like we have a fingerprint, let's go chase that guy.

I'd be like, I don't know. I give up. He'd just be in his garage still sitting there like, oh, no, I would stop answering all the texts and calls. Yeah, that's the thing. If John is ever allegedly murdered, it's he's not murdered. He just disappeared. He finally snapped and just said, fuck it, I'm gone.

He lost his phone and realized I could just knock at a new one. Right. And just went. a new one. Right. And just went. Gone. Yeah. Serious. Yep. I've been bullied today of all days. I was going through what I would do if you got murdered.

If I got murdered? Yeah. And I think... What would you want me to do? Nothing. That's what I said! I said that, I said, like, you wouldn't want me to do? Nothing. That's what I said. I said that, I said like, you wouldn't want me to cry over it.

You wouldn't want to be replaced either though. And that I said, if there was a very obvious lead, if it was like, we found fingerprints and this is the guy I would like, like put in an effort to like help, help the cause. But otherwise,

if there was like a cold case, I would just be like, we're just done here. Yeah, no, there's nothing to do. What would you do? No, Kevin, you start trying to solve my murder, guess what? I'd rather you not get murdered. But I also feel like

with our internet platform and shit, we could... It would be a true... This would become a true crime pod and I would be like... I would go to the top. Okay, yeah. That I would want you to do. I'd want you to have success.

Boy, you. Yeah. Oh, no. You can hear this. Living Will, family approved. Breaking up again? You're good now. You're back. You know when it does that thing where it breaks up and then it goes

and it catches up? Yeah. This is Living living will family approved uh definitely exploit my death or murder for personal gain all you want i appreciate the um the the approval but i was going to do that anyway did you see that guy by the way my mind is always spinning now with uh basically like murder plots and shit like that like bad like horrible movie plots the guy who murdered his wife and tried to play it off as coronavirus uh i saw like the tweet i did not i did not explore he was like so he murdered her and then put her on her deathbed for the coronavirus i don't know how he murdered her because eventually there was gonna be like a body that you'd have to look at so it couldn't have been like you know it must have like

poisoned her or something but he was texting from her phone trying to keep up the the ruse being like oh my god i'm so sick but like he's such a dummy he was using like his vocabulary like people could tell that like it wasn't her texting it would be like you know if if all of a sudden you're you know you're you're pretend i'm pretending to be you and i'm saying like for sure not and shit like that they're like uh that's jim that's not fucking that's not her talking you moron but i bet you there's a lot of uh a lot of people trying to to use coronavirus in this way like like i always thought about always thought about whenever there's a mass death situation, I almost wrote a story once

when I was a kid, when I was in college, about 9-11. If you wanted to disappear and you worked in Manhattan, if you worked in lower Manhattan, I'd take my wallet, throw it in the rubble,

disappear. Gone. Nobody would fucking question you. I don't think you had to do that yeah you could just be like i think you could just disappear you could take the wall right you don't need to or maybe i'd like pop out a single tooth and just drop it on top of the rubble anything to confirm because because then at least it'd be like confirmation you could just disappear but if there was any like all right yeah we found we found his remains chop off a pinky maybe and just peace if you had if you had i almost wrote about a gambling debt i almost wrote about

a guy who's like trapped in a bad marriage there's a million a guy wanted to come out and just needed a new like a new life boom use 9-11 coronavirus is a little more difficult because there's still bodies to be like you know you weren't just boom like gone but there's there's some you want to get creative right now you could use coronavirus to your advantage, you know, you weren't just, boom, like, gone. But there's some – you want to get creative right now, you could use coronavirus to your advantage. Do you think they were – like, that's what Charlie Kelly's thinking. Like, I'm going to throw a tooth? You think they were testing every tooth?

Like, all right, we don't have any other part of this guy, but – Listen. Here's gay Bob's tooth. There was fucking – there were very – there were cases of like very little remains being found but being found. Were there? Yeah. You know better than I do. I just kind of figured at some point they were just like we don't even know what to do.

Yeah. I mean there was a lot. There was a lot of people buried with like no confirmation. But there were remains that were found and all it takes is a little shred of DNA. You got a new life, brother. See you in Mexico. Anyway, okay. So we think that this girl – because I think if you're like an assassin, you probably don't have friends.

But I do like the idea of she's calling from the cell phone to make it look like she has friends to keep up the ruse, even though she's just a lone wolf out here assassinating people. I think you kind of hit the nail on the head there. That's one of those, like, you find a burner phone, it's only got one number in it. Yeah. She's got 400 calls for this one number. Yeah. he's got 400 calls for this one number yeah like and it's like it's stored in as like home or just stored as something and like the guy presses the button and then he hears it ring and he's like oh no oh what a great moment uh everyone's the asshole here and it's gonna be a great movie

but i think ultimately he's the asshole because like she's just an assassin this is what like she does you're the asshole for getting duped by all this for like years on end don't even start on this guy the asshole what were the responses actually so to be honest this was uh this is one of those like reddit relationship ones where it's not those always kind of blend over it's just like here's a story about two assholes and they're not asking which one it is um this was a screenshot, though, so I didn't actually see. But a lot of people on the actual Reddit page, he was replying with a lot of people, like talking them through it.

Because he said, like, when he gave more details, it sounded a little bit more normal. He didn't sound as idiotic. But he was like, yeah, okay, you guys convinced me. These are some red flags. I'm going to, like, have to talk to her about this or get the hell out of there. But, like, I could just see this girl getting calls from, like, you know, Mother Russia being like, Natalia, how is your operation? And she's like, this guy, he still fucking believes the cover.

Can you believe it? But, yeah, you are a real asshole if you – as a guy who likes to avoid confrontation, you're an asshole if you let the confrontation slide this much. You have no friends and family. I can't ask you a single question. Don't ask me about my fake cell phone. Eventually, you're just a little bitch. You have the second one? Yeah, I got you here. Am I the asshole for

pissing in a large Gatorade bottle in front of my boyfriend and his friends because he wouldn't pull over? This all happened before the world went to hell in a hand night. Since he keeps bringing it up and saying I was the asshole, I'm wondering if maybe I was wrong here. We're on a four-hour road trip from California to Las Vegas. Admittedly, I have a tiny bladder.

I also have what's called spina bifida occulta, which causes issues with my bladder. Basically, my bladder doesn't tumble at my brain when I have to go until I really have to go. I might have this. Like, I'm a bird to piss in my pen. I say it all the time. Every time I go to the bathroom, it's a fucking emergency.

I could write a whole post on how I used to be punished as a kid for wetting myself. Well, no, okay. Maybe I'm off. For wetting myself in my bed because no one bothered to find out until I was 15 years old. So suffice it to say, it's an embarrassing thing for me. It triggers a lot of bad memories. I've done things since my diagnosis to

improve, such as Kegels, but even though sometimes I don't know until it's an emergency. I do, however, try to negate this by making frequent trips to the bathroom. What, are you just going in there and checking? Just sitting on a tub and no piss falls out here. This is the Tommy Smokes right here. Tommy Smokes goes to the bathroom like 15 times a day. Yeah, he takes

at least three or four trips per flight. That's insane. Insane! Like on like a three and a half hour flight. They'll go multiple times. Now, my boyfriend knows all about my diagnosis and he knows how it affects me. But apparently knowing about it and understanding are two different things. During our trip,

I kept asking him to make a stop because I even, because I, even though I didn't know, fuck, she's wrong. Because even though I didn't feel like I needed to go get, it's better to say things. She's a terrible writer. This is one thing you learn going through things. Like I always just thought everyone's a good writer because you only read

good writers. The only people who get published and get into magazines and newspapers are people who can write. Basically like the human, like the, newspapers are people who can write. Basically, the collective human idiot can write a tweet. If it's anything longer than that, it's a fucking catastrophe. Absolute disaster.

Even though I didn't feel I needed to go get It's Better, Safe, and Sorry. He kept saying no because we were making good time. Such a dad fucking move. What are you, dating a 60-year-old? We're making good time. No time to stop.

Who gives a fuck what kind of time we're making? I got to take a piss. Pull over, dude. I don't want to make it there with 20 minutes to spare with a pants full of piss. He said, when I really feel the urge, he would stop. Well, after an hour of the waiting game and me begging him to stop, the urge finally hit me, and I was at the point I needed to go now. But we were in the middle of nowhere,

and he didn't want to just pull over on the side of the road. I told him, by the pullover, I'm going to go in the car. Well, I guess he didn't think I was serious because he didn't. So I emptied, put the Gatorade bottle I had, and said, Bucket, I'm going now. If you purrs want to watch, go ahead. I don't care. I shimmied my pants out and peed into the bottle whilst he and his friends looked on, commenting on how nasty and unclean I was being.

I keep baby wipes in the car, so I did wipe with those. I also didn't spill any. We finally pull over and I threw away the bottle, went to the bathroom to wash my hands, even though I'd already used baby wipes on them. But then I came out and they started laying and me saying I had exposed myself to his friends and they had seen something only he should. Considering the angle I was at, there was no way they saw anything other than the top area. I told them it was a big fall and he was the asshole. If he had just pulled over, I wouldn't have to resort to peeing in the car. I mean, what do you want me to do, hang my ass out the window or pee myself? So read it for once and I'm the asshole.

I mean, it's tough because, like, I do think that's a deal breaker. I don't think this relationship can survive with everybody. Like, if everybody – if it went down the way it went down and everyone was like, oh, my God, you're gross. You're pissing in the car. Hey, Tommy, your girlfriend is fucking disgusting. And he's just everyone was like, oh, my God, you're gross. You're pissing in the car. Hey, Tommy, your girlfriend's fucking disgusting. And he's just sitting there like, oh, my God. I don't know if there's any coming back from that, but it's 100% their fault for making that happen. The girl was like, I have to – I mean, what would be better, her doing that or them being like, oh, my God, Tommy, your girlfriend's pissing in her pants in the car? The pee was coming one way or the other. Dude, the people who, like, I actually am.

I hold it. If I'm on a road trip and I'm not driving, I do hold it until it's basically an emergency. Because I don't want to be an inconvenience. Right. So I'm not, like, so when I ask, hey, I got to go to the bathroom, it's not, like, it's not a suggestion. Yeah, we're doing it. It's get the fuck off the road. I'm going.

Right. Hit you with the, are you sure? Can you hold it? No, I can't hold it. I'm asking to go to the fucking bathroom. I'm not in third grade anymore. I don't need permission. Pull the car over so I can take a goddamn fucking piss.

Correct. Now, I do get the impression, and it's kind of what you just said about the dad thing. I think when dads are saying they make good time, it's ridiculous, but it's also that you got to remember when you're a dad and let's say you've got like a 12 year old and a 10 year old, that means you've been doing a decade. I got to be doing it for a few years and it's starting to weigh on me when you've been doing it a decade of like, Hey honey, do you have to go to the bathroom? No. Okay. Let's go into the movie theater. And as soon as you sit down, I have to go to the bathroom, dad. It's like, honey, do you have to go to the bathroom? No. Okay. Let's go into the movie theater. And as soon as you sit down, I have to go to the bathroom, dad. It's like, oh, motherfucker.

So when you're like in the car and they keep asking and they don't plan it out and you've been doing that forever, like if this girl really has to go to the bathroom as much as she does, he's probably getting fed up with it. And what I've learned by watching all of the old couples I know in my life, people, my parents and family members who've been married for like 40 years. There are things that you know the other person cannot help

and it doesn't matter. You still hold it against them and you hate them for it. Like my dad has bad hearing. He cannot hear. It's not his fault. It doesn't matter. Like he's not going to be able to hear you.

He would prefer to be able to hear you. I swear to God, but he can't. And my mom will just fucking eviscerate him for it and it's like i know he can't help it but it bothers me too so i fucking yelled at him about it so i think this guy knows by the way there's a theory in my house and my dad has been pretending to not be able to hear things for like decades which is awesome he's just like what i can't hear you i just don't fucking talk to you assholes. I think he – like he knows this girl has a problem, and I think it probably just still bothers him to the point that he's like, we can't stop again.

I don't fucking care. And he played chicken, and he lost. I mean, plain and simple. What about the ability of this girl? Like we've discussed – Yeah, I know. So that's the whole second half. Probably too much for two guys to talk about it.

But it's impressive as hell. Have you ever seen that thing that, like, I saw it on BuzzFeed like a decade ago. It was, like, four girls to pee out in the wild, and it looks like a – it almost looks like a shoehorn, and you like put it there, and it basically turns you – you know, you have a dick to hold. Like you need those things to try to pee outdoors or into something. For her to just – I at least hope it was one of those 32-ounce

like wide-mouth Gatorades, but boy, that is – and a moving car too. I mean, any bumps or turns or anything, you're in trouble. Yeah, that thing. What's it called? Yeah, they just called a girl. Yeah, look at that. It says four traffic jam long trips.

The stand up pee for girls. There you go. That thing is disgusting. There you go, girl. I don't even know if I could pee into a Gatorade bottle. It's hard for me to basically bang it and then you just pee. It gets hard too.

With a guy, it's hard because you fucking start having to slowly pull it out because otherwise you're going to drown your dick. Otherwise, you're just going to take out a dick that's just covered in piss so you like slowly trying to angle it here so you're like just kind of like slowly pulling it

yeah yeah it's almost like when a when a waiter at a fancy restaurant pours and he can pull the the the pitcher all the way up that's what you gotta do with your dick yeah pop it in there and it's like slowly extract almost like like a needle like you're pulling it out like i'm pulling it yeah yeah or even better like uh like nicholas k's with the vx gas we're like if this shit falls out we got a problem on our hands uh so what final answer i feel like for me is he's the asshole she like she had to cross a line that you really can't uncross and i think that this relationship is ruined and it's not her fault but i think if it's ruined i think he's even more the asshole yeah my girlfriend had to piss

if like look we're stuck in traffic and i just can't get off the road, and she has to piss in front of my friends, like, I'll get over it. It's fucking – it's not like she's back there fucking masturbating. She's pissing. Right, right. By the way, this reminds me. This is something you have to do. When I was in – I mean, maybe I was in, like, ninth grade, and there was a kid in eighth grade or seventh grade and he was like a little bit off. Like, but it was it was early enough that, you know, the mental health stuff really hadn't been on the radar yet.

Anyway, this kid was raising his hand in science class. He was like, I can I go to the bathroom? And the teacher was being one of those assholes like, no, like, go on your own time. Like you went before you should have thought about this. But, and the kid like asked again, denied him again, kid fucking ended up pissing his pants in the middle of the classroom. And that teacher was like, Oh fuck. Like,

what have I done? How crazy is it that we spent most of our lives having to ask? I know it's, it's like basic, just human bullshit. I should, I didn't really get up and go, excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom. I know. It's like basic, just human bullshit. I didn't really get up and go, excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. You may have to ask your permission to take a piss because you're teaching me how to make a cursive G. Fuck off.

Okay? Me not pissing my pants in front of all of my classmates is going to be a much bigger influence on my entire life than knowing how to make a cursive G. Because guess what? No one knows how to make a fucking cursive G. We all just make a big squiggly circle. That's it. That's not important. Me having the fucking self-confidence that would be ripped away

from me. If I piss my pants in the middle of class, that's what's important to me. Alright, last, am I the asshole? Then we'll get into our voicemails and then our interview. This is probably the most

ridiculous relationship story we have done since starting Am I the Asshole Thursdays. I don't even know what to say about this one, but buckle up. Okay. this one, but buckle up. With all that's going on, me and my girlfriend stocked up on supplies, including some canned

goods. I ordered a few weeks ago 30 cans of beans. 10 black, 10 kidney, 10 pink beans. I also ordered 15 cans of chickpeas. I thought that this was a reasonable amount of cans of chickpeas. I thought that this is a reasonable amount of beans and chickpeas to have every now and then for quite some time. However, earlier this week, I opened up the cabinet because I wanted to make some chili and only all of the beans were gone.

I asked my girlfriend and she told me she buried all of the beans in the woods. At first, I thought she was joking, but she explained, no, she had buried the beans in the woods. I asked her to explain, and she told me she was afraid of, quote, if things get bad, we might have to worry about, quote, looters or whatever, and that the beans would be in danger of being stolen. I said I thought this was completely ridiculous and unlikely. She became angry, and she said that she is, quote, protecting our beans. According to her logic, the beans are safely buried in the woods behind our apartment complex, and if we ever need some beans, she will go to the stash and dig up a can or two, but she would prefer if we save them for if things got worse.

I said why only bury the beans? Why not bury our more valuable items? She said the canned food was the most valuable for long-term means, and that since we get fresh food in our grocery deliveries, it would make sense to stockpile the beans. She intends to go bury more of them every week. This was too insane for me, and I got very upset. I demanded to know where the beans were buried and she refused to tell me. She said if I knew, she was afraid I would dig them up. I said, damn right I would. She said she will never jeopardize the beans.

The following day, I tried to put my foot down and I'm not usually a foot downer, but there are rare issues where compromise is out of the question and I foolishly decided this was one of the issues. I demanded to know where the beans were buried and I told her if she was going to bury beans I paid for in the woods that I would move out. We fought and I kept insisting. In hindsight, I should have just let it go and created my own hidden stash of beans in the apartment. I had given her time to maybe cool down about the beans buying scenario, but I blew it all out of proportion. Yeah, it's weird to bury beans in the woods, but why did I have to press it? What's the harm at the end of the day in the grand scheme

of things? But I kept demanding to take the beans and finally she broke up with me. I've lost the love of my life because I couldn't let the damn beans go. I'm in disbelief. She moved out. Not only am I heartbroken, but now I'm paying 50 but now I'm paying full rent instead of 50%. I mean. I get it. I get it. I get it. From whose point of view?

All of them? Everybody? I get it from hers. Yeah, man. Sometimes you never know. Look, it's a little crazy sure but here's the thing i would like hide the beans and then once you put a foot down on me then those bees become magical beans and you're not you want to threaten me about beans you'll never see those beans again

in your life then i that's i was thinking that i'm like are these some sort of special fucking beanstalk beans and then and then you start to realize that it's you know i would love to sit down with this couple and do like a couples therapy session because you learn that the beans are something else and that there's other things that she wants to keep for herself that he often uses and like it's not about the kidney beans it's about the dynamic of the relationship this runs so much deeper but i would also say that this is one of those relationships where it's going to be a a good breakup like if you're going to break up over the beans you probably shouldn't be together in the first place

i don't think look i guess the beans are a symbol or something like that whatever bullshit a therapist would say but like i have things i'd hide like what on a symbol like what i don't know like reese's puffs i told you i live simple would you think i was gonna say something valuable no i want my cereal. There's just like... I get it. I just get it. I get you wanting to be like,

you don't know how to save us. And you wouldn't know what to do if we were up a creek without a paddle. I'm preparing for that. And I have to take care of us. So I'm putting this money in this account, or I'm putting these beans in this backyard. She's doing the same thing. And I respect that. Because guess guess what i'd probably just eat those beans and i go hungry in fact where's this girl at tell her to come over my house she's gonna set us up she's gonna dude

i was thinking about that with stuff where it's like like uh just like like things you had to say things really went off and it seems like we're doing well it seems like things are gonna get better you know in due time but like say things like i would not be prepared there was there was something from the surgeon general that was like well one thing to do is avoid alcohol i was like well fuck off how about that there's like i actually always thought too where it's like well if they told me that dipping like you were gonna die imminently it's not gonna help me it doesn't matter i'm not gonna stop to stop probably. We're saying things like, well, you got a liver problem. You can't drink anymore. I'd probably just keep drinking.

I need someone like this in my life. I need someone like this in my life to hide the beans for me. Now, that is a symbol, and it's for other things. She's got to hide the beans. She's got to hide the booze. She's got to hide the dip. She's got to hide the fattening foods. I need this woman in my life. I need her as my fucking manager.

I need a life manager. I need to be this chick burying shit in the backyard for me. Find you a girl who will bury your beans. Yeah, I need a bean barrier. You do. And I'm sure this guy's probably the type who like, you know, if he gets a bonus at work

he spends it all and she's like, hey, why don't we save for the house in the future? She's been trying to bury beans all over the place. And meanwhile, you eat the beans because you're making vegetarian chili on a fucking Tuesday night in the middle of a pandemic when you should be saving the beans for the apocalypse. Dude, if I met a bean barrier, I wouldn't even care that she was a Russian spy. I'm fine. I just need a bean barrier to just watch over my shit. Now, the good news is none of us have to bury any beans in the backyard because Grubhub is out here making sure that food gets delivered to us

even during the most dire circumstances. We're keeping local communities alive. We're keeping businesses alive. We're keeping you alive by making sure that Grubhub delivers food to you during the pandemic. They've got contactless delivery available where you can get delivery and pickup orders sent right to your door. They're also doing special promotions that are available daily.

So if you open up the Grubhub app and go to neighborhood specials, you can save money and save a restaurant, see which restaurant's being featured, see what special is available that day, and you can have that pickup or delivery order right now. Bingo, bingo. They're also doing the Grubhub Community Relief Fund, where you can donate your change, your extra change, you know, round up. And you can donate it to all the restaurants and the drivers that are being affected by COVID-19. By the by, people out here who still don't know that it's called COVID-19 because of the year 2019 and that it's not the 19th version of coronavirus, you got to be a real dumb fucking asshole to still be out here saying,

we've had this 19 times. I don't get what the problem is. It's the year, you fucking idiots. That was so perfect because like that beat or that those lyrics could be played to the tune of it's adam and eve not adam and steve it's called the 19 not code one but you just it's just so true like that's the same people gonna be saying these two things and it's. Anyway, back to Grubhub. For our listeners right now, you download the Grubhub app, enter the promo code KFCRADIO,

and you'll get $10 off any $15 or more order. So that's KFCRADIO on the Grubhub app for $10 off any order of $15 or more for new diners. Save the restaurants you love. Save money. Go to Grubhub. Use the promo code KFCRADIO. Vo diners. Save the restaurants you love. Save money. Go to Grubhub. Use the promo code KFCRADIO. Voicemails. Let's get into it.

Hey, boys. So with the current quarantine, I'm saying, been hitting those dating apps hard. And I've noticed that all the fuck girls just have Snapchat filters and all these little things to make them look better. Can we start doing that? Come on. Seriously, if you're going to put 90% of your photos as a filter, can't we do the same thing? Or are we going to get hated on that?

You know, that's a good point. We've been talking about how the male revolution is coming, that we need makeup and Spanx and all these other hacks. Why not just start with the filters? That's probably the easiest one to start with. You write my phone.

I was like, oh, I look kind of good right now. I took a picture, and then I changed it to a filter. I think it was Jakarta. I looked unbelievable. I looked unbelievable. I looked so fucking hot. I was kissing my phone. I was looking at it.

And I was so goddamn sexy. And then guess what? I deleted it because that's not what I look like. I know. That's not what I look like. I know. And i'm an honest man they call me honest john they've been doing it my whole life do they yeah they've been doing it you know how you know how it started i had a friend who um who said he found two rats two dead rats kissing the skeletons they were still connected and he said he said i was with him right and all my friends were like they're like

hey john did that really happen i said nope that's bullshit made that lie up and they knew look i wouldn't even lie if you want to witness damn bitch and then that's when honest john was born huh that's where i was john came from i'm gonna ask nick to go back through the uh chronicles of this show to the episodes where we are we both are like oh we lie about everything every time we open our mouth we're lying well yeah like the whole honest john thing for example that's a lie the rat story is true just don't come i think that the the the filters have gotten subtle enough, though. You know, I'm not talking about, like, put the fucking big blue eyes on and this and that. But there's just some that just give you a little boost that I think.

Yeah, there are. Not with those. Look at this. This is my face. Not with a New York tone. Not with a Rio tone. This is it. It's a, what's it, a Transyl Rio tone. This is it. It's a what's it? A Transylvania tone.

Yeah, this is my this is like my HIV positive tone. This is my low white blood count tone. This is my Chilean minor tone. He's been underground for however long.

Eating ringdings and tootsie rolls and buried beans that he found oh my god i i think here's the thing if you want to do filters that's fine but you got to commit then like everything you post has to be filtered and then people could be like wow like yeah i saw that guy in person like he takes he's really photogenic his pictures are good but if you do it halfway then people know you're a filter user and you're a phony. I think go all filter or no filter. What if you go all the way and it's like – if you're just obvious. This is a filter, clearly.

I'm not trying to play this off. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, I'm okay. I think it's like announcing when you put up a thirst trap, being like, I think I look good here. I want to post it. If you just say like filter of the day, yeah yeah people know it's filtered but guess what people's only impression of you when they see you on the phone is good looking pictures it's like yeah i know these girls are photoshopped i know that they're fake tan makeup uh filters but i still think emily radikowski's fucking sexy that's my perception of her i also think we'll start doing it at some point it's like it's like anything like i'm like

we talked about texting recently like we talk like emojis i still don't really use emojis i love emojis now but but i i don't i don't i'm not like oh pussy if someone sends me i'm not a huge emoji guy but i it's i find it acceptable in common culture right i think maybe we can get there then we'll i i think we'll get there it won't be before we beat coronavirus but we'll get there i you know what we should do is invent this uh like subtle filters for guys that's just like hey you want to look less like a vampire here you go and maybe people really won't even be able to pick up on it hey you got butthole eyes hey you got man tits these are like quick things that just like you know remember when remember when they came out with like fixed red eye it was just like bam you're done yeah it was

like whoa which also didn't really work the technology at the time was not great no but it was more than it was like when you see nintendo 64 graphics it was like oh my god now you're back on his trash if they can invent something that's as easy as that, oh, it'd be beautiful. Next up. Hey, Dave, CNDC, long-time listener, first-time caller. I'm calling because my boyfriend has had this giant Patriot tapestry hanging in our bedroom.

And it's literally a picture of Julian Edelman about to make out with Tom Brady. But they're on a field and he's holding his helmet real close to his face. But Tom Brady is not a Patriots anymore. So I'm asking him if he can take it down and he still won't. And I'm so forced to look at it. I just see it's like disappointment every day. So am I the asshole? Let me know.

So wait a minute. This girl, it sounds like she wants this removed because she's also a diehard Patriots fan who's upset about Tom Brady, not because she wants like a tacky sports poster off her wall. Oh, I didn't get that. What did she say there at the end? She said something like, I had to look at this disappointment every day now. I took that as his disappointment.

Oh, okay. But could be wrong. Because that makes a difference. I think if she's saying that, like, can we get rid of this because, you know, we're adults and we don't have, like, sports posters on our walls, I think that's a valid argument. I think if she's, like, a diehard Patriots fan who's saying, like, well, Tom's not on the team anymore, I don't think's saying like, well, Tom's not on the team anymore.

I don't think you should take that down because Tom's not on the team anymore. I think you should take it down because it's ridiculous to have a fucking tapestry of a sports team in your apartment. Yeah, I agree. In fact, Tom not being on the team anymore almost makes it like better. Yeah, it's a classic. The good old days. I was around for the dynasty, like all that shit. Right. old days i was around for the dynasty like all that shit right yeah it's i mean it's a it's a completely preposterous thing to be hanging in a a shared bedroom of a couple is a a dorm room fine fresh out of college single guy i'll give you a couple years of it with it with mixed company

what what is this what are we doing here i don't know it just looks looks good. Does it? Does it, though? Yeah, that's a no-go. You're going to lose that battle. If you're a guy, let me tell you this much. If you're a guy, wait until your girlfriend asks you to take this thing down so that you get credit for it. But also don't put up a fight because it's a battle you are going to lose. So you might as well get the credit for like, hey, honey, I love this thing, but I'm willing to change it for you because I promise you no guy has ever won the battle of like, no, no, no. We're going to keep it like a man cave. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll keep it the same poly girl sign. No, you won't. You're taking down the neon, the neon fucking bar sign, the Belushi poster, the sports posters. All of it is fucking done. Yeah, you're going to go on Wayfair, you're going to go to Pier 1 Imports, and you're going to get some bullshit to hang on the wall that, guess what, you're going to end up liking.

You know what, this is better than a ripped poster. This does make me feel like I'm more at home, rather than a goddamn fucking facility. Like an institution. Yeah. All right.

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What do you guys take on it? See, I think the opposite. I think the total opposite. I think it's come full circle. But I also believe that down the road, what people are going to do is like what we do now. You open up like baseball reference and you look at the stats and you go, holy shit, this guy was awesome. You can't open up a website and read about how he lacked endorsements and didn't have personality. The only thing that lasts are your numbers.

And what's awesome about Mike Trout is his numbers. So I think he's going to age incredibly. What's wrong? Fucking bitch. Pinch your finger on your rocking chair. He froze perfectly. I'll just wrap this question up with Adam. The least memorable sports figure for every sport, for each sport?

I mean, hockey's tough because in general you could say hockey, all the sports, all the hockey greats are going to be not so memorable. I mean, we know the names right now, but if you're talking to an average sports fan 50 years from now, you're going to tell me about, I don't know, Austin Matthews and Connor McDavid and shit. I mean, yeah, like their numbers will be great, like I said, but I don't know if you'll remember much else about them.

Basketball is interesting because there's so many superstars that, like if you're not like LeBron or Steph Curry or one of these really popular ones, like Dame Lillard. Dame Lillard's fucking awesome. And people who watch the sport know it, and they know, like, how great he is. But if he doesn't get over the hump and win a title, there's plenty of guys in the NBA who get blocked by dynasties all the time, the Patrick Ewings and the Charles Barkleys of the 90s.

And then you go into, like, you look at now, you got, like, you know, the Russell Westbrooks, Chris Pauls, Dame Lillard. You know, those guys, a lot of NBA guys end up kind of getting forgotten. Although sometimes you start to get remembered because of that. It's like, oh, man, this guy never won a ring, but he was fucking incredible. But it's tough in certain sports where you, you know, you either you either win and you're immortalized or you don't. And you're immortalized or you don't and you're forgotten you know if you're a quarterback who doesn't win a ring you're a philip rivers type uh and everyone else in your in your class

one one you'll probably get forgotten but i do believe that certain guys actually age better if what you lack is personality you age you'll age fine if what you lack is numbers stats and championships then you're extra fucked because people don't remember your commercials and your interviews and your jokes and your personality tweets and shit what they're gonna do is look up your numbers and when people see that mike trout fucking hit 40 a year every year what gold glove batting 330 all this shit he will be remembered as an all-time great. Let's get into our interviews now. Brought to you by Roan Apparel. We got Josh Wolf, who dialed in from sweet California.

Awesome dude. We're best friends by now. That old man has taught me more about this industry than anybody else. I went on his show last week, and we chopped it up for a good hour, just shooting the shit about TikTok and quarantine and getting old and fucking around and being idiots, talking about all the weird videos that Josh has sent us and whatnot. So it's brought to you by Roan Apparel. Now, Roan is perfect for this lifestyle because you want to stay comfortable when you're in your house. I mean, jeans, what are jeans?

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and you'll get 20% off your order. That's roan.com slash KFC. Apocalypse-wise, you having to stay home and not see people, on a list of one to ten is that pretty good oh josh it's higher than one i think it's it's like like talking with our co-workers where i have a lot of people who are like gonna need serious mental health treatment after this like people who are going to bed at 9 a.m waking up at 4 p.m they can't get anything straight i am just thriving

you know what's funny is that i really do have a lot of friends who are like i've been waiting for this time like this is where they're taking over the earth you know when this comes when this is done like there's there's a chance I'm king of America. People are just like, this guy, he's got it figured out. He knows what to do. I'll tell you what I love the most about this entire situation is that, like, you know, at the beginning of the quarantine, people still cared about what they were dressed like on their purse, on the videos that they put out. Yeah.

Now, nobody gives a fuck. You know what comfortable sweatpants are like, you know, every little secret about these people. I had one day, I think maybe the first day, maybe the first two days of quarantine. I was I was heeding the advice of people who were not as well prepared as me for this. But it was like, okay, maybe still get dressed in the morning so you feel like a human. So the first two days I did that. And then since then, I came home to Fall River to Massachusetts. And when I packed, when my dad drove down to New York to get me probably a little over two weeks ago, I packed two of sweatpants three sweatshirts four t-shirts and 20 pairs of underwear and that's it you should

be making your victory speech man all right so two and a half weeks you've been inside in those two and a half weeks i want to take a guess how many times you've showered how many days you've been in quarantine how many days uh You've been in quarantine. How many days? It was two Saturdays ago, so 16 days. You're not going to believe the answer, actually. Well, longer than that. We've been in longer than two and a half weeks, John.

Are you wearing a tie? I was already in Boston. Are you wearing a tie? What the fuck? You know what? Listen, if you were like, man, how can I make sure my? What the fuck? You know what? Listen, if you were like, man, how can I make sure my hair looks the worst? You did it.

Well, you know what I do is when I'm just sitting around the house, it drives me crazy, so I pull it back like that. Anybody else in the world, I would take it out for the interview. Not for Josh Wolf, though. I wanted to see your reaction. That is on... Kevin's... I was just telling Josh, I'm going to come out of quarantine King of America and Kevin's going to come out a man bun guy

and it's going to... I'm going to be the bell of the fucking ball, baby. I hope you come out wearing a Kimura with a top, Matt. Hey, you know what? Let me get... I do have a... Hang on. I got to get my kimono. I'll be right back.

Want me to show you the jacket that came in the mail? Hold on one second. Hold on. This is... You guys, tell me what you think about this. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, wow. That's sick. That is... It's's wrong too yep look at this shit oh wow where'd you get that i went full length for for for quarantine man that thing is unbelievable that jacket

look at this how comfy is it? It's comfortable Let me tell you how comfortable it is I've been wearing it as a robe I'm so jealous right now God damn We were just sucking my dick Saying I'm doing great at quarantine

I'm not doing nearly as good as you are I have Wait a second I want to add something to the outfit What's happening? What's going on at your house, man? This is between this look and Kevin's hair. This is like the, all right, people are losing their goddamn minds episode.

There's no doubt. I cut my own hair the other day. I saw that. How'd that go? You know what, man? Look, it wasn't as bad as i thought it was gonna be how about that that's not high praise yeah what do you think about this kevin i mean listen which who's got the better look right now him with his robe and his top knot or me with my full-length fur coat and the glasses? It's a photo finish. The glasses might give you the edge here, but between the two of you, you guys look. We got it going on, Josh. This virtual jack is very quick.

We're in quarantine right now. Look at me. Let's start experimenting josh i would fuck you right now buddy see see this is how i feel i feel like we're about to get weird and i thought i said this last week i thought that last week might have been the breaking point and maybe i was a little premature i think this week might be when we start getting weird with it. There's just like no fucking rules anymore, nothing but weirdness going on. Let's just embrace the new life, the new world order. I'm going to tell you something right now.

With the glasses and the robe and that top knot, if your picture came out tomorrow that you had eight bodies buried in your backyard, I'd be like, yeah. We might be the subjects of a new Netflix documentary for all we know. How about Netflix? I feel so bad for Netflix. It's our generation and for just people in the world today, it's so impossible

to create content for. There were two weeks, three weeks, where we were like Tiger King. Tiger King's awesome. Then they added a new episode this week and everyone's like, oh no, we we were like Tiger King. Tiger King's awesome. And then they added a new episode this week and everyone's like, oh no, we don't care. Nobody fucking cares. Your take on that show though. Because I'm going to be completely honest.

If you're just going just the show, just the story, take away how weird he is. To me, it was boring as fuck. Absolutely. He was so weird, right yeah we said that right afterwards we kind of said it we're like just to be clear if this wasn't quarantine if we didn't become like a meme it's not that good a show yeah it was it was a lot of like whoa that's crazy for 15 seconds and that's it's it. There was no, like, I mean, the only thing that,

that piqued my interest was, was, was Carol Baskin's like unsolved murder. And that, you know, that's usually what those documentaries get you going. You have theories and hypothesis and you start to discuss it. Otherwise it was just like,

man, that was crazy. How the, those straight guys kept fucking that gay guy, man. That was crazy. How everyone kept losing their limbs, man.

You know, weird shit like that. It was like, so it was a story that could have been told in two episodes yeah sure not seven yeah but if you were like hey we're gonna tell you a seven episode arc how this 51 year old gay dude with a mullet convinced two 19 year old straight guys to fuck him i'd be like well he should write a book. That's interesting. I was like, yeah, I've tried meth too. I know how it happens. What's going on, old man Wolf?

How are you, man? I did Controlled Chaos last week with Sam Murrell and Taylor Tomlinson. That was a fucking trip. That's a great little show you got there. Great format, fun stuff. Guess what? This week, guess who's the panel this week is Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, and Chris Kirkpatrick.

You motherfucker! Yeah. Friday at 1 o'clock. Can we get your scraps? Can you pass them off to us when you're done? I would fucking love an NSYNC episode. How great is that? You know what? No, no, no. Fuck you, Josh Wolf. I'll tell you what we're going to do.

I'm going to call our PR people right now. I'm going to get them on the horn with Backstreet Boys, and we're going to do our own fucking episode to battle with yours. Wait a second. Are you trying to tell me that the Backstreet Boys are bigger than NSYNC? Yes, I am. And if you, sir, sir, if you think that you're going to prove otherwise, you have not done your homework.

We already had this argument, and we win by a landslide. Wait a second. Here's what I're going to prove otherwise, you have not done your homework. We already had this argument and we win by a landslide. Wait a second. Here's what I'm going to say. Because you're not, I don't think you're taking in the Justin Timberlake of it. Well, that's funny you say that because who's not on your show this week? Because that's all that NSYNC is.

Okay. You take him out and you have, you have a bunch of guys on Controlled Chaos. Let me tell you something, man. What? I love Lance Bass and Joey. Wait a minute. Did I hear you correctly? You don't even have J.C. Chazette? Say that you correctly? You don't even have JC Chazette?

Say that last one. You don't even have JC on the show? Well, I can only fit three people, you know? Okay. Interesting. Interesting. You're a stronger NSYNC guy, though? Because that's – look, NSYNC is unbelievable.

It's not the classic internet thing where one's bad, one's good. NSYNC is fucking awesome. Well, let me ask you this. Backstreet has more hits. Name? More hits? Yeah. Dude, you got to do your homework on this.

I know it doesn't seem this way. And a lot of people have their mind blown. You look at sales. You look at streams. You look at total number of hits and longevity. Woo-hoo! It's not even close. Okay.

Wait a second. Let's take the top five songs For both groups Let's do it Let's take the top five songs for both Now first of all I think the top song Head to head I think those are a push

What do you got? When I say top song We're saying most popular right? So Bye Bye Bye is going to be... I Want It That Way versus Bye Bye Bye, right? I think that's a push. Well... Maybe I Want It That Way has more nostalgia to it, doesn't it?

And I think it holds up better. I think if you listen to it now, I feel like that's a song you can get down to. I don't know if Bye Bye Bye is still doing it. It's actually very strange. We very recently had this exact discussion on the show, probably like two weeks ago. It's weird how it happens. But if you walk into any room in America and you go, you are, the whole room is yelling back, my fire. Now, I have to admit, late night shows, when I'm on the road, my Saturday night shows, I know this isn't going

to be a huge surprise for you, but my Saturday night shows, I take about 100 milligrams edible and I go on stage. And one of the things that I like to do is I'll bring my guitar out and I'll play I Want It That Way, but I have three audience members come on stage and do interpretive dance behind. Oh boy. And I'm assuming they're on a hundred milligrams as well. There are a couple of clips of those up on my YouTube channel. There's one where this girl got on stage and was so drunk and dancing so provocatively around me that her boyfriend broke up with her while she was on stage.

I'm looking this up right now. That is unbelievable. He got up and left or he said like, we're fucking done. I said to her, I go, well, ask your boyfriend if it's okay for you to stay up here if there's something else. And she goes, well, he broke up with me

when I came. That is special. That's the type of content you can't fucking – you can't get that at Wawa, man. There was another one where this soccer mom in Columbus started lifting up – she was lifting up her skirt. I mean, she went – it was soccer moms gone wild. She went bananas. They're called – on my YouTube channel, I think they're all dance-offs, and there's like five of them.

Yeah. You're a YouTube man. By the way, just so the people know, 1.12 million subscribers on Josh Wolf's fucking YouTube, which after we started Answer the Internet, we started to take a lot, started to look at YouTube a lot more. And, I mean, we've had you and every other comedian under the sun top celebrities the whole nine and we're just hitting 200 000 the fact that you're up over a million josh wolf is fucking nuts and you got it all organized the thumbnails are great you are a youtube fucking animal man

listen man you know what's weird is that as somebody my age, that's not a normal thing, you know? I'm still trying to – Let me ask you this, Kev, but let me ask you in general, like TikTok. Have you gone on it? Well, so we – after doing Controlled Chaos, we ended up discussing uh the reasons why and i said it on your show i i don't i think it's weird that the parents get involved i think it's weird when like grown men in their in their houses are doing dances and i think i think there's a whole creepy section of tiktok that gets weird yeah but if i could do all that and I could succeed at it and I was

hot like that, I would do it and I'd be like, fuck the haters. I think the top knot gets you one step closer to TikTok. This is my TikTok fit. I'm here. But we just had a girl, Rhea, put up a blog on the site with her TikToks. And she said, this is what I do for work. I'm going to be publishing them all on the website. And all you guys are going to be haters. And tell me you don't fucking like them when I know you're watching them. So fuck off and enjoy. And I think that's the perfect way to put TikTok.

It's like a lot of people hating on it. A lot of people looking down on it. And what are they doing every night before they go to bed? Falling down a TikTok hole where they watch it for like two and a half straight hours. I have to tell you, I don't watch it. I don't go down TikTok holes. Well, you are also eight. Yeah.

Listen, the truth of the matter is it's the same thing with Dancing with the Stars. You know what? I don't want to watch other people dancing. I just don't. Like, that doesn't. It's not a thing that I give one shit about.

It's like the worst part of dancing. Now, again, I don't have TikTok. I told this recently. I deleted TikTok because I posted two TikToks. Both fell completely flat. And I was like, you know what? If you don't want me, I don't want you. Fuck you.

And deleted it. I'm breaking up with you before you you. Fuck you. Yeah, exactly. I'm not fired. I quit. It's like the worst part of dancing where it's like they're not good. It's like I want to see the Chris Brown or I want to see the interpretive dancing on Josh Wolfe's stage.

Yeah, well, I was going to say it is a little ironic coming from the guy who hosts dance-offs on stage at night that he doesn't want to see dancing, but I do get that point of it's got to be this is why I don't do karaoke. I'm not a good singer, and I'm not that funny when I'm on stage, so nobody wants just four minutes of like

ugh. That's the thing, is that if you're going to tell me look at this TikTok, it's really funny. I'm like, okay. Or look at this TikTok, it's really funny. I'm like, okay. Or look at this TikTok. They're really good. But anywhere in between that is like I don't understand why I'm looking at it.

But I will tell you that like I saw one of my friends from high school. He was like, I got a TikTok, bro. I'm like, what? Why? Why did you get a TikTok? And he was like, oh, you know, I've always wanted to be a dancer. I'm like, what? When did this happen? I'm going to play you this. The opposite side to this, okay? Now, I don't like watching people do dance and all that stuff, but I'm not going to lie to you. What I have been doing here at the house, because I want to unleash it, is I've been watching YouTube downstairs and practicing all the dance moves to Thriller.

Yeah, I'm not going to. I think I'm going to unleash an entire thriller dance-off between myself and my – See, that's all it is. You just got to find your niche on TikTok. It doesn't have to be the new age shit. It could be the old school shit like you, man. It's fine. I'm going full video though.

And I'll be hitting the popcorn. My – what you were saying with your high school buddy, how like he's like, you know, I always wanted to be a dancer. I feel like every guy is like that. and we're always just so fucking scared i remember when i was younger probably like middle school my sister was in a hip-hop dance class and she she's a younger sister so she came home one day and she they had been learning uh the dance to pop and sync shout out and sync. And I made her every night for an hour give me dance lessons in the basement so I could learn the dance to pop. Because guys were just embarrassed

but if you fucking show me in the basement where no one can see me, I'll fuck you. He was also wearing her dresses and high heels and the makeup and the whole nine-shot. Yo, that's what I don't like about TikTok slander. Do not try to come at me and tell me that dancing is not cool.

Dancing is fucking cool, man. If you can do it. 100%. I would be insufferable. If I could dance or I could sing, you'd hate me because I would always be dancing and I would be singing. There's no doubt that everybody secretly would like to know how to dance. I'm so curious what music she was teaching you to dance to.

And if you had any of those dance moves you wanted to unleash right now. Did any stick with you, John? Did any happen to remain tame? Anything? What music were you practicing to? Do you remember? No music. You can't.

You got to learn it without the music. Wow. So you're just in your basement going, five, six, seven, eight, two, one. You look right saying that with that top knot, by the way. I'm looking at the – A long time ago. If I remember correctly, it's like you can't – you got to learn the steps, and then you put it to the music.

I could be wrong on that. Maybe I just had a bad teacher who was a sister. I was going to say, I don't think your sister knew what the fuck she was doing. I am looking at this dance-off, by the way uh homegirl really did not hold back she is she is touching you you you might have almost got broken up with that night if she kept going that after that night the first thing i say on stage is okay i got a couple rules first rules no touching me. Asses on you, rubbing your butt.

It's time for me to say no touching me. Yeah. That same show, the dudes saw her touching me. So some dude was rubbing his dick on my leg. I'm like, hey, no touching me. That's too much. Do you ever get sick of dick slaps on stage? When's the last time as a grown man I, oh my god, okay.

Because that reminded me, the dick on the leg. When's the last time as a grown man you gave another dude a piggyback? Because as a kid you never realized, is that his nuts? Is that a dick? Right in the middle of your back you're like what you know it's funny you say that i have not given a piggyback but i recently jumped on phoenix marie's back you know her familiar with her work yeah yeah she's uh

she's a she's got a sturdy base on her i hopped right on her back and i definitely felt like my dicks mushed up against her back. And I was like, this is not appropriate at all for grown adults to be doing. Nope, nope. You're like, oh, that's a dick. All right, time to go. I feel like I give piggybacks more than a regular person, but I think I like doing it to small dick people

because it's never been a moment in my head where I'm like, that's his dick on my back. Apparently, YP doesn't have a big dick because he's always on your back, bro. I was just thinking, I've definitely had YP on my back recently. And I'm not saying anything about his dick. In fact, he's so proud of his penis. I bet he's got a pretty good dick. But I just, it wasn't hitting my spot.

I don't know. I feel like, you know, it's like anything else. If you're talking about your penis, you probably don't have a great one. Do you think that Wood walked around town talking about his dick a lot, or do you think he just let that picture do the talking for him? I think Wood walked around town in his fucking hammer pants because his fucking pants don't fit, his dick doesn't fit in anything else. The MC Hammer stole the name of Hammer Pants from him

because that's what he did with Hammer. You know what I mean? And he was like, that's fine. So I went to high school. I went to a boarding school where kids from all over the place were. Wait, where did you go? Because I went to one in Massachusetts too. I went to one in Rhode Island actually.

I went to Ports of the Abbey in Rhode Island. I went to Northfield. What's that? I went to Northfield Mount Hermon. You know where that is? Oh, I know. I had a few friends who went there. They have a middle school too, right?

I just went postgraduate year. I didn't do too well in my regular high school. We had two kids on our hockey team. That's the next year of high school, yeah. But there were a lot of kids – not a lot of kids, but there was a kid from Africa. We had a few kids from Africa. And one thing I got to add, everyone from Africa says they're a prince.

Like everybody. Everyone's like – a lot of princes in Africa. I guess it's from different tribes and whatnot. But this kid was like seven feet tall, and the rumor around campus was that his dick was so big, if he got a boner, he'd pass out. Like in the face? All the blood. uh the i i feel like wood suffered from a similar uh ailment yeah i mean that's why he died early i think that would probably like cause of death too big of a dick i would not be

surprising if that was on the certificate i'm gonna be completely honest having a dick. I would not be surprising if that was on the certificate. I'm going to be completely honest. Having a dick that big does not seem good. Where would you want to... If you could build your perfect dick, how big are you going? We actually do a question on Answer the Internet. For every inch

of... What is it, John? For every inch of your dick, you lose an inch of height? There's multiple, but every inch of your dick is three years of life is what i oh right okay let's do that one every every inch is not adding zero inches every inch you lose two years of your life so if you wanted a seven inch dick you got to take off you know 14 years if you say the average lifespan let's say it's 80 years you're checking out pretty fucking early you're dead at 66 if you want to have a seven-inch dick. You know what's funny is I would rather take years off my life

than height away from me. I was like – Oh, yeah, definitely. I'll be with you on that. Yeah, I'd take some of it. Yeah, I think if you're talking height, it's, you know, your life is ruined. If you're dead, you know, your life's just over. No big deal.

I think 66 seems – because people are still having a good time at 66 yeah yeah i mean yeah my parents are you know 66 and they're like you know yeah it's not they're you know on their deathbed or like shitting in diapers they're just normal people but i don't know 75 and she's like fucking the life of the party every time still so right it's his youngest shit right you want to go below six inch dick well that's where we're at now so i guess jack has a fucking hammer okay i don't think i want to drop below six inch dick so i think you're also thinking if you like you're if you drop below something that is at least acceptable right like i might know my dick's not gonna turn heads but it's also not

gonna get laughed at so if i had one that gets laughed at what number is that what's not gonna get laughed at but what's not gonna turn heads i think you gotta be at least five to not get laughed i was gonna say five is is like you got a dick you got one i have a dick because if she's not reporting back to her friends either way you know if you got one that gets laughed at your whole life is different you guys like like you might have those extra four years or eight years but your life is miserable because as a child you were bullied and then like that just fucked with your psyche so now like best case scenario you're an accountant at h&R Block. Maybe. I was going to say, you might not even have a job.

You can't interview. You got no people skills because you're just mad at the fucking world. Or you put your head down at an early age and you were like, I'm going to get back at all those big dicks in the world. True. Motivation. You can use that as a positive or a negative.

I know my base personality. Dominate. Could you imagine my base personality with the one that was not affected by penis size? That personality is not one of those, I'm going to prove these people wrong. But wouldn't that be great, though? Wouldn't that be great if Joe Rogan has – I know where my motivation comes from, and it's not from fucking belittling and beating other people.

It's not that. No examples of that. Wouldn't that be so fucking great, though, if Joe Rogan has Elon Musk on his show, and he's like, Elon, why do you build fucking space rockets and change the world? And he's like, I got a fucking four and a third inch dick Joe and I'm mad about it and I just was out to prove the world wrong like alright man like

biggest rockets in the world Joe let me take my pants off real quick exactly exactly man every day I stand around like it's like Elon was he was like the kid in super bad every day he was just drawing dicks in his mouth. He's so jealous of Bigfoot.

He got caught by his teacher and he had to fucking throw him in rockets. He's like, no, these are just rockets. And then he's like, you know what? Fine. I'm going to go into my life's work. It's going to be drawing big old dicks. Oh, my God. You know what's funny?

I just watched Superbad the other day. And first of all, totally holds up. Yeah, such a good movie. But then we started to get into a conversation about comedic actors and who, if you were going to take whoever's top three comedy movies, who would have the most impressive top three? Now, Jonah Hill has an impressive top three like super bad this is the end and fill in the blank right i could never get past eddie murphy beverly hills cop 48 hours trading places well especially you as a comic i feel like every you have this regard

for eddie murphy on like a whole a whole different level sandler has a crazy... Did you see Sandler vs. Ferrell went viral this past week? Oh, it did? Well, I think it's pretty even. It wasn't just their top three, though. Well, that's the thing. I think if you take people's top threes, the debate gets almost

impossible because Sandler has some clunkers. So does Will Ferrell. How do these movies even get made? But if you reserve just their gold, silver, bronze, it's almost impossible because you're talking about everybody, all these top guys have three classics.

Yeah, even Ben Stiller, dude. Ben Stiller has three crushers. What happened with him? He just started directing series. The last thing I know he did was he directed Escape from Dannemora, that Showtime miniseries. It was dope.

Who takes such a sharp turn from, I'm going to be in silly, hilarious movies, and now I'm doing real-life, intense pieces? Somebody who takes themselves too seriously. You can guarantee that turn won't ever happen for one Josh Wolfe.. I was going to say, you can guarantee that turn will never happen for one Josh Wolf. You ain't going to see him at fucking Sundance one day directing a bit about like Blood Diamonds and the African Serengeti or some shit.

You'll see me tonight in my backyard taking mushrooms if you want to tune in. Kind of do. You think Sandler takes himself too seriously though you probably know more than i do i'm sorry um stiller because i think back on him on in the um in the curb your enthusiasm role where that's his the whole joke is that he takes himself too seriously so is that like real life or is that i don't know him at all i don't know him at all but I don't know him at all. But he does seem like a guy like Jim Carrey who hit a certain point in his life and was like, I want to do some more serious stuff. Yeah. You know, he got super buff.

He's ripped. He's always ripped. I remember him in, what was it, Long Cane Polly? Yeah. No, even in fucking Meet the Family or Meet the Parents when he's like in that Speedo. He's shredded shredded he's one of those guys that has always been

shredded and has always wanted people to know he was shredded so he would always find himself in movies where he was like oh look my shirt's off yeah yeah that's right and then you got a guy like Sandler who, you know, he's wearing basketball shorts and a sweatshirt, you know, to the fucking Oscars if you wanted to.

Like, he doesn't give a shit. Now, you're asking everybody to get their own personal, but he's my comedic hero for a couple of reasons. One, he's always just kept to what he likes. Even when he was getting bashed, hey, man, this is the type of comedy that I do. You know what comedy I like? I like fun. I like it not taking itself too seriously. You're always going to hear a fart joke.

This is what I do. You know what else I like about him? He has always taken his friends along with him. Yeah, big time. That has never stopped. If he wouldn't put in the movies, he was producing their stuff. And the last thing, man, is that he's never changed, like, personally. I know professionally he hasn't, but personally never changed who he was.

He showed up to the Oscars or he showed up to Spades on Spades Show in basketball shorts wearing socks with his face on it and a hoodie. Do you think there's any point where he is self-aware to the point that he's doing that on purpose? Basketball shorts wearing socks with his face on it in a hoodie. Do you think there's any point where he is self-aware to the point that he's doing that on purpose? Do you think he really is just like – would he sometimes want to wear a suit somewhere and he's like, ah, but I got to do the basketball shorts thing? Do you think he actually is just like, this is how I roll? I don't think so. And I don't know if you guys watched the Spirit Awards. The Spirit Awards.

Yeah, yeah. That was great. He got up there and said like, fuck the Academy or some shit, right? Yeah. so and and if you i don't know if you guys watched the spirit award the spirit award oh yeah yeah that was that was great he got up there and said like fuck the academy or some shit right yeah but you know what first because he was like nobody's ever going to give me academy award you know what he did the first people he thanked were all of the people that worked on all of his movies before all of the movies that obviously were never going to get awards that he's never been able to come out and publicly thank he right that That's 20 years, man. Right. This dude has been thinking about thanking these people for 20 years.

That's the kind of shit where I'm like, this guy's the fucking best. You never see him in any scandals. He's not around L.A. fucking about. Yeah, you know what? We might have to add him fights to our list of we're on a crusade to find somebody to say something bad about The Rock because there's just no bad stories about him. I don't think I've ever heard anything about Adam Sandler either. I don't think I've ever heard a bad, you know, he didn't sign my kid's autograph.

He didn't, you know, do this or that. There's not a single bad story about him. He is a solid dude, man. And that's why for me, if I was going to – not only that, he keeps printing money. Oh, yeah. There's an article on him. There was an article on him when Uncut Gems came out.

I think it was in the New Yorker magazine. If you haven't read it, well, you'll love it. But it's just basically about all this, where it's like he's just a regular dude. Like, he shows up to his, I believe it was a $200,000-a-year golf club, and he was just in basketball shorts. And he's like, okay, am I too disgusting to eat here? And they're like, absolutely not, Mr. Sandler. And there was one paragraph that I was just trying to find.

Like, I can't find it right now. I don't want to type too much, but it was, um, the author of the article reached out to a lot of people in the industry and a lot of people in Hollywood being like, Hey,

I'm doing an article on Sandler. And he included like tidbits of their responses and every single one from people from like the CEO of Netflix to Conan O'Brien to Spade, Rock, Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore was particularly like, let me know what you need. I will do absolutely anything for Adam at any time. But everyone was like the greatest guy in the world, the most loyal guy in the world. Awesome dude. Never changed.

It was like the who's who of Hollywood was revering him like he was a god. If you look at even, you know, and I know they just canceled lights out, which is a bummer because it was a really good show, but Sandler's interviews on there when it's just him in spade, you can see the genuine love that they have for each other and how great this dude, man, Sandler doesn't have to be gracious anymore.

He doesn't have to be humble. He's incredibly gracious. He's so happy. You can tell he's so happy for his friend and i'm like man this is the type of dude that every you know what i mean that i want i just want i want one time and spade should probably be the guy to do it he should have him on a show and be like it's okay no one's gonna get mad at you or or think anything of it just tell everybody like fuck off like i didn't want one out of the sailing to like, to everybody who doubted me, to everybody who says, like, this, that. Fuck off.

And I think the world was just rallying. Yeah. Each of the words was his way of saying that. Dude, he had that story when Variety was doing the Actors on Actors series during Oscar season where, was it Pitt? Pitt was telling him the story. And it was when Adam Sandler was at NYU and a teacher took him out for a beer and said, look, quit.

Like, this is not for you. You are not good at this. You should go find something else to do. And then years later when Sandler was on SNL and was crushing it, he was with some friends and he bumped into that teacher at a bar. And he introduced his friends and then he introduced the teacher. He said said this is the only teacher who ever took me out for a beer and that was the only thing he said he never like rubbed in his face like this is a great guy he's the only teacher who ever took me out for a beer yeah man because the truth of the matter is look

at my bank account rubs it in your face and yeah but you know what also too at the same time like if you're at nyu film school and Adam Sandler is getting up there doing his voices, like I could see I could see a guy being like, bro, this is not going to work. And, you know, it's the same thing with Robin Williams. I read it, Robin, and it was like he didn't get kicked out. But NYU was like, look, we have nothing else to teach you. You're excellent at what you do. The other stuff we're going to be doing is like drama shit. And that's just like, go be you.

Go be Robin Williams. You're like, we have nothing left to teach you. And I feel like that was kind of probably something with Santa too. It's like, look, what you're going to do, you're already great at. So you're just waiting. That's going to work. Great. But otherwise, you know, I, I, it does take a certain level too, though.

Just be like, I'm going to do goofy voices. I'm going to do dick jokes. I mean, for you, you said Sandler's your guy. If you look at the mid-'90s run for Adam Sandler versus Jim Carrey, Jim Carrey had in one year, in 94, he had Dumb and Dumber, Ace Ventura, and The Mask in a single fucking calendar year. Which is bananas. That's absurd.

Oh, my God. It's disgusting. So I bet you at the time, if you had asked me what's making you laugh harder right now, I would say probably Jim Carrey. Like Ace Ventura had me in his stairs. If you're asking me which movies hold up better and which would I watch now, Sandler's. I watched Ace Ventura the other day.

That style of comedy that he was doing doesn't hit me like it used to. Speaking of comparing the two to did you see speaking of comparing the two did you see burt kreischer on that stream when he met uh adam sandler i didn't watch that they did a comedy uh laugh aid thing a week ago with bill burr and tried to raise money and burt was the one who got to introduce adam and much like yourself he said he's like my comedic hero

and burt i think had a couple pops in him. And I think he was very flustered. And he was like, we loved you in Ace Ventura. I can't wait to go watch Precious Gems. He got like all the names wrong. It was bad. It was a tough scene, Josh. It was tough. But Jesse Madison was his favorite movie.

Yeah. Oh, happy Madison. It was so bad. He said, Adam, do you have Netflix? He fucking owns Netflix. Own Netflix, dude. So he's like your number one. I mean, I know you have the reverence for Eddie Murphy,

but as far as like movie personality type, Sandler would be your guy? As far as comics and just how he carries himself, you're about to see my wife walk up the stairs. Hey. What's up, it's himself. You're about to see my wife walk up the stairs. Hey. Hey. What's up, as well? Where do you think Chris Farley would be at? Do you think he would be like a fucking megastar, A-lister, $500 million man? Or do you think he'd be like – I guess him and Sandler would have just gone to the top together. I would guess that Farley's floor is Kevin James.

That's his floor. Yeah, right. But that's the question. Do you think he would be a guy like Kevin James who's like, don't get me wrong, had a lot of success? Or do you think it would be like, you know, I can't even think of someone who we – He'd still be in – at the end of the day,

he'd obviously still be in the group with Sandler and Spade and they'd all be working together and he would have been in grownups for sure. It's so hard to say. And I'll, and I'll tell you why I think it's hard to say because guys like Farley or Belushi or John Candy, you know, it's almost like you ever get the feeling that when some people die young and

they've done so much young that it's almost like they know they have to get it all in right yeah not maybe consciously but subconsciously like i i go 100 miles an hour so i know this this race ends sooner than it does doing 20. so i always feel like i know this is going to sound like hippy dippy or whatever. Somewhere in your body, those people who live hard and fast, that's the reason I think they're living. Right. It's almost like he wasn't, you know, like longevity wasn't for him. Like maybe it wouldn't have worked if he had a 30-year career as opposed to like 10 or 15 or whatever he got in. I think it still would have worked.

But I think if you had asked him honestly, you think you're living to your 60, he'd have been like, hmm. No way, yeah. Do you guys you're living to your 60? He'd have been like, Hmm. No way. Yeah. Do you guys know who Joey Diaz is? Yeah. That's an easy thing to say though, when you're doing fucking speed in the morning. Yeah.

Yeah. And when you're, when you're, you know, 940 pounds, you know, Joey Diaz, you know,

I've known Joe for a long time, but if you would ask him when I first met him, you think you're going to see 50, he'd have been like, nah. Really? Nah. And he lived that way. Right. Did he change? Did he slow down?

Or is he still doing it and he's just got that gene in him? No, no, no. His daughter changed everything for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His daughter changed everything for him but but uh i think yeah so for farley man i don't think there's any mistaking his genius when you're here's the thing when you're it's like when you're a comic and you're making the comics laugh and the audience laugh those are the guys or the girls the performers laugh and us laugh It was like across the board.

And I think he, I don't think that slows down for him. I just don't know if he's going at that frantic pace. That would be my, but he was for me that down by the river. That's the hardest I've ever laughed. Yeah. You know, the second one, the second hardest I've ever laughed at any sketch was that Kristen Wiig with the little baby hand on her finger.

I don't know that one, no. Fucking God. The van down by the river is the hardest I've ever laughed at a sketch. When he got cooking with the physical comedy, he was fucking unmatched, man. I love... Is that still popular now, though?

Well, that's a good point. Like would he have evolved? Is there anyone who doesn't even like him anymore? Like where it's like a physical – he could do it all. Let me ask you something. When people – when you see somebody fall on a clip online, do you laugh? Yeah, right. That was like – he was that.

Physical comedy. You know my friend Greg Garcia who created my name is earl and raising hope and the dude is a genius he was on uh chaos this week but he told me once he was like man i really try to make sure i have physical comedy because even though people are like i don't like physical comedy everybody likes to see somebody get hit in the nuts to see somebody fall everybody fine line too though because if you if you try to wedge that in or it's very transparent that you're doing it, and it's like you're just like the dancing monkey, it's like nobody cares.

But if you got – and that's why I think it all played in perfect. He was overweight and he had the big red face and, you know, all that shit is probably why he was so funny, but also why it met an early demise. Think about they're still talking about him. Think about how much people still reference that guy. Right. How good he was.

Spade and Sanders still talk about that guy all the time. That's how funny he was. They're two of the funniest people in the world. You know what I mean? Right, right. There's a reason why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so.

I think so. And so there's a reason why your old ass is still out there doing it. You've got the longevity going. You've got a new special out right now. And I love the way you're doing things, man. I mean, we just referenced how many subscribers you've got. And I know we talked with Sam Murrell pre-your show last week because he did the same thing. You know, if it ain't going to be a big bag from Netflix or something, this is the way to go.

Because, I mean, you're handling it right in this era because I'd rather go get, you know, a couple million views on YouTube over, you know. I think, like I said, if you got a Netflix special, great. When I see someone putting it out on, like, the third or fourth choice platform that someone's got to hunt down, it's like, don't do that. Just don't do it.

Yeah, because the truth is, when people are looking for comedy, they go to Netflix or YouTube. Right, right. They're going to the other places. Either they're going for you specifically, but nobody's browsing those other sites for comedy sessions. Right, right. But right now, man,

also I'm doing a show on Facebook Watch called Josh Wolf's Wonderful World of Weird. And they're quick four to eight minute episodes. Two weeks ago, guys, you're going to like this. Two weeks ago, I went for leash therapy and they put a leech on my butthole. Oh, that's right. That's right.

That's right. Who brought this up? Somebody brought this up to us. And I was like, did you say Bert? It might have been. Did you say Joe Coy? Joe Coy brought it up. He's like, did you see? I brought this up to us, and I was like, did you say Bert? It might have been. I was like, did you say butt? Joe Coy. Joe Coy brought it up.

He's like, did you see? I brought it up. I said, Joe, what's fucking wrong with Josh Wolfe? Sent me a video of two guys getting fisted in the asshole. What's wrong with him? He goes, that's nothing. That's child's play. I got a video of him putting a leech up his ass.

I was like, did you say butt hole? Not the butt cheek. Put it on your ass hole. She said to me, she goes, I'm going to put this on your root chakra. I'm like, is that what you're calling it? Okay. However you want to put it. That's cool. That's what I'm going to do from now on. Hey, girl, let me put it in

your root chakra. Maybe that sounds a little bit better. Did you ever have the idea of what root chakra meant? Were you like No, because she said to me, she goes, first we're going to put one right below your tailbone. I'm like, I know what that is. Right on your root chakra. I'm like, cool.

You know, we call this an asshole. Root chakra it is. And how long... First of all of all why what is this doing sucking out the bad blood or some shit well listen um a couple first of all they i had six on my body i had four on my back i had they put one in my belly button and it looked so weird because it really looked like it was trying to just dig in there. You know what the weirdest part was? This is disgusting. The weirdest part was watching them grow

in real time. You could watch my blood fill them up. That was bizarre. It was bizarre. They say it does a lot of things, man. They put them on their tongue. They put them on their fucking eyeballs. Guys put them on their dick to increase circulation.

What? Yep. I was like, I was out, out, out, and I was like, hang on, it helps your dick in. I like fully relaxed. I like stopped cringing. I was like, oh, all right, circulation. Yeah. fully relaxed. I stopped cringing. I was like, oh, all right. Circulation. I did see the expression change in your face. Well, that is smart thinking. That makes good sense.

You know what is real funny is you mentioned that you're doing four to eight minutes, and I was just talking to John. He's been watching Quibi videos. Have you seen that? That's the new platform. And I was about to say, Oh, it sounds like you're doing like a Quibi thing. They're doing like mini documentaries with high,

high class, this and that. You're just putting bugs up your asshole. Okay. So I'm not going to give you that credit. Listen, I will tell you though, uh,

to be fair, it was a classy book. I took it out to dinner. They were talking about, they were like, you know, you get to take these leeches home. I'm like, for what? What do you think? Well, you think he wants to keep the one that's been on your asshole? She was like, I can't use this one again.

You think they get back in the tank? And the guy and these guys like oh i had the deltoid oh i had the guy's like i had the fucking asshole again oh think about that i don't know exactly what uh what life a leech can lead but when you're born a baby leech and you're like i'm gonna like live in the amazon and then there's the one guy who gets plucked out, and he gets to go on Josh Wolfe's asshole. He's that guy going to work like, another day at the dick-sucking factory, except he's literally stuck in your dick. You think when he goes back in the tank, they're all like, nobody talks to him, and he's by himself in a corner,

and he's like, hey, guys, want to come over and play? Fuck you, Jimmy. He's trying to make himself puke up that blood. He's like, get it out of me! Get me poisoned out! Yeah, he's got the bad breath. Nobody talked to Jimmy. Oh my god. You're an animal. You're like

torturing animals. So that's what you're doing, huh? Well, listen, on this show, we've done a bunch of episodes. We had the leech in the butthole. We had a woman who taught me how to swallow swords. We went to – listen. Wait, wait, wait. Hang on.

Yeah. Did you do it? Is that – you can just learn how to? You know how, like, you can put a screw – have you ever seen those people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Taught me how to do that. I put it straight into my head. It was crazy. Um, but, and we did a lot of, you know,

I like weird things, man. I, I think I like to be pushed out of my comfort zone. I like to feel like, Ooh, what's going to happen because I only get to do this ride on this rock one time. I don't want to be scared of a bunch of shit that I've never tried because how do I know that I'm scared of it? Do you know what I mean? Wonderful world of weird.

I can't think of a phrase that sums you up better, bro. I'm not making fun of these people. The reason we had some problems getting people on the show because they were like, he's going to come make fun of me. I'm like, this is so. Oh, I think you're awesome. I assure you, everything I do in my life, I'm the butt of the joke.

Don't worry about it. Yeah, don't worry about this. People are going to be laughing at me, not you. I mean, it's an unbelievable fit, dude. You've had such a good, long run that keeps going, because I feel like you're not... First of all, you keep up. You're evolving with the industry, but I think that

your mentality and your approach, it's never going to get stale because you're just fucking down, dude. Out of everyone I know, I feel like Josh Wolfe is just down. Like, hey, you want to do this shot? Yep. Hey, you want to fucking put this up your asshole? Yep. You want to put yourself on fire hey you want to fucking put this on your asshole yep you want to like put yourself on fire yep i'm down man wonderful world of weird is a great name if

you ever need another one just call it i'm down with joshua this is on uh on your facebook page is it a live thing or people can watch it whenever or what it's on facebook watch uh and you can come to my page or find the link or Studio 71's page has them. And, you know, the two shows, the two other shows I do on this page, I really am trying to turn it almost into a network, you know? I do the high lives. So on Monday nights, I smoke weed and take mushrooms in my backyard and turn on my camera.

And I read children's books. And I draw – it's like the stoner mr rogers i draw it's really bizarre i wear weird boas and big sunglasses you're by the way it's such a fine line too at the same time everything i'm praising you for if you were not successful and making money and shit i would say put this man on a list put him in a fucking institution you're you're you know you're this close to being the creepy old man who takes mushrooms and like talks to the neighborhood kids. You know, you can make it even closer.

Yeah. And then dude, the other thing is that control chaos, which I have so much fun doing. That's great. It's like part game show Part talk show Part comedy Part podcast It's very cool Come on next time man

Yeah Feist you gotta do it next Whatever It's It's I'll come on once you get JC on I love it Alright dude We appreciate it as always

And I'm sure we'll be doing more More to come in the quarantine. So go follow at Josh Wolf Comedy on social. Check him out on Facebook. Subscribe. No, don't subscribe on YouTube. He's got too many as is. We'll talk to you soon, brother.

Thank you so much. Later, Josh. Thanks, bud. All right. Big thank you to my man, Josh Wolf. When this is all said and done, I want to sit down and have a nice Miller Lite with you, bud. And so this Miller Lite here, this one goes out to Larry the Cable Guy. We sat down and talked with this comedy legend over Zoom.

And I can't speak highly enough about this guy. Larry is a class act. He's one of the most successful acts of all time. Super humble, super friendly, super cool. And he told us some great stories about how he got into the industry and the lucky breaks he got. Some of his stories that he shared with Ron White and Jeff Foxworthy. And when you think about it, can you think of a more Miller Lite type of crew than the Blue Collar Comedy Tour guys? You open up a more Miller Lite type of crew than the Blue Collar Comedy Tour guys? You open up a cold Miller Lite, you share stories about from your redneck life back

at home and your life on the road where these guys were living together, working together. He tells an awesome story about how Ron White acknowledged how good he was and how he knew he was going to have to up his game to try to compete with Larry the Cable Guy now on tour with him. It's just an awesome story that I can imagine these guys all opening up a six-pack of Miller Lights and enjoying it, kicking back, having some laughs, and telling some good tales. That's what you should be doing with your friends every time you listen to KFC Radio, Mail Time, One Thing I Learned,, mail time, one thing I learned, answer the internet, all of our products. Every time you crack open a Miller Lite and watch those,

you know it's going to be memorable. So get your Miller Lite on. It's the original light beer. While you're home, while you're trapped, when you finish up your work for the day, enjoy a classic. It's available for delivery today. You can get it sent right to your doorstep. Make sure you celebrate responsibly from Miller Brewery Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Larry the Cable Guy, let's talk. Hey, what's up, boys?

Let's put my hat on. I've never seen you without the hat. I was going to say, that's a jarring look, man. What are we chewing on right now? I just swallowed some tobacco. What do we got? What do we got?

I let my kids cut my hair. They took the dog clippers and cut my hair. Let me turn the light off. Hold on. What's your chew of choice, Larry? Well, you know, I only do it so that I quit eating late at night and eating bad so I don't gain weight. So you can see that's working out real good. You know, I do this.

I do Redman. Oh, you're a chew guy oh boy i quit dipping and but i had to do some and and so i went to levi garrett and i loved it then all of a sudden one time my ears started ringing why are my ears ringing then i started getting dizzy. So my wife said, man, you're eating too much sugar. You got to quit eating sugar. I said, I'm not eating sugar. I quit eating sugar. Well, it turns out, as soon as I quit chewing Levi Garrett, my ears quit ringing. Oh, really?

There was so much sugar in the tobacco, it was literally giving me diabetes. I'm not kidding. So I went and got checked. Believe it or not, I'm fabulously healthy. I'm down actually 21 pounds. But this is the only sugar-free tobacco on the market. You kidding me? So you're telling, like, Does dip have tobacco in it?

Does dip have sugar? It says right here. Hold on. It says... Look at this, boys. Sugar-free. Fuckin' A. That's unbelievable. I never knew...

Larry, I've been chewing tobacco for 15 years now. I never knew it had sugar in it. Never for a second. Tons of sugar. That's why you get fat bites. Hip and frosted flakes. Oh, man. So you got a new special out. It's out right now. Remain seated. And it's just unbelievable, dude, to see you still doing your thing. You're out there in the same look, same style, and people still fucking howling at you, brother. Man, you know what?

I love what I do. It's my first solo project in about nine, ten years. Wow. But, you know, I've done other things. You know, I did stuff with Jeff, and we put out a CD called We've Been Thinking. And Bill and Jeff and I toured and did a thing called Them Idiots. And then I did, like, little snippets for other little shows. I mean, I'm a one-liner comedian, so you start burning your jokes.

I mean, you can't put out a ton of albums and I had they asked me if I wanted to do another special I looked I said well dang I got like 50 minutes here all I gotta do is write 10 more minutes and so I did I didn't think I could find any more Walmart jokes but by God

I went up I said let me drive up there and i walked that was seven minutes endless material brother debuted last night i was getting a lot of good compliments on it so and you're right it's just like i haven't really changed anything. I'm a one-liner guy and I haven't frayed much from what I normally do. Why would you?

You're a tiger's sleep. I was telling Kevin earlier that probably blue-collar comedy was the thing that made me love comedy, which is so weird because I'm from Boston and I don't really... It's not directed towards me. It's kind of more love comedy, which is so weird because I'm from Boston.

It's not directed towards me. It's more Southern humor. For some reason, that was what really grabbed me. I fucking love stand-up comedy. It was all because of you. You birthed me into the world, unfortunately, so you got to apologize to everyone for that. I'll make the public

written statement. Do you think that more people who can relate to that lifestyle and those jokes like it, or people like city slickers like ourselves who are like, it's foreign to us? No, I got to tell you, I think everybody likes it. It's just regular, everyday stuff. I mean, especially when we did the blue collar, we were all different. We had different styles. I was kind of like the one-liner guy that kind of was the glue you stuck in there to, you know, pull everything in together.

And if you needed to move on to another subject, I'd throw a couple of one-liners in. We'd move on to something else. But our material, look, everybody always likes to act a certain way but when you're in your house with your family you act a whole it's a whole different deal and i think that we get what and we are we're just normal guys i mean i grew up on a pig farm in southeast nebraska and uh you know jeff and ron and bill both grew up in texas and little towns and jeff grew up and hate bill georgia so i mean we're just regular guys wanting to make people laugh we don't preach at our audience we don't act like we're the smart ones oh we're comedians so we know everything

about politics you're an idiot and you know what i mean we just get up and we know what we know everything about politics. You're an idiot. And you know what I mean? We just get up and we know what we do. Our goal is to make people laugh and pay their ticket price and come out and just enjoy comedy, not sit there and get lectured and bitched at for an hour. Well, a lot of people have been laughing, bro. A lot of people over the past how long now what probably 20 plus years oh my god at least a long time i mean blue collar has been around since the turn of the decade so how how long before how long had you been in in comedy before the

blue collar tour you know what i was uh third in line i was uh in river dance i was a third dancer there in river dance and uh just always was cracking jokes in between some sort of a flying camel or a pirouette no i i joined uh how when how when did i start or what's the question yeah well i'm just saying like obviously when blue collar hit everything just exploded but was it a long grind prior to that or was that pretty quickly like you were on the scene and then you blew up you know what it took about a good 10 years i started uh, the first time I ever went on stage was 1985. And then I went professional. I did nothing but go hang out at the comedy club for, you know,

two and a half years, almost every day, busting my chops, writing jokes, trying to figure out how to do it, you know. And then I went professional. May of 1988, I started doing the character Larry the Cable Guy, obviously, on the radio station in 1990. And then I took that to the stage in 1995 for the first time. And then so that's a good, you uh so that's a good you know that's a good 10 11 years from the

first time i ever did stand up and then in 1997 it really started taking off and uh then that's when i hooked up with the blue collar guys two years i was i think uh i think they told me the two biggest comedy draws in the country at the time were me and rich jenny and uh and from that point on when i hooked on with blue collar i mean it you know a funny story i i uh i'm kind of like the ringo star of the blue collar comedy tour you know because they just took their opening acts out. So Ron White was the opening act for Jeff, and there was another guy that was an opening act for Bill.

They didn't think he was really blue-collar enough, I guess. So they were looking for somebody else. They told him... That poor son of a bitch. He should have blue-collared it up a little bit he should have gone i guess they told him it wasn't gonna work jeff i'd known jeff since 1986

he's like my adopted brother you know and i went up and did a little thing in nashville and he never seen me do what i do on stage and he loved it he said oh man he that's what we used to do sitting around the braves games you know putting on these characters i said i know it's fun he goes hey listen uh i want you to come up and the guys i want the guys to see you, the booking agents, and see what they think about you joining our Blue Collar Tour. I said, okay. So my first date with them to show them what I was going to do was in Columbia, South Carolina.

And I was already on the radio there and selling out the comedy club, so I probably sold 2,500 tickets that night just for the blue collar. I mean, it was a big night for them. It was 11,000, 12,000 people that night. And so Ron White, who I'd only met a couple of times, he'd never seen me before, so they said he used to just stay down in the dressing room smoking a cigarette and then when the first guy got done they would holler at him he's got 30

seconds and come up just walk on stage do his 10 minutes go back start drinking so i'm on stage and of course i'm a one-liner guy so I'm I'm uh three minutes into my act I'm 20 jokes in you know and I'm you know I'm killing as soon as they introduced me the crowd's like they said Ron came up to watch me because he hadn't gone after me and he'd never seen me before and they said about three minutes into my act the booker said we knew that we were going to put you on the tour when Ron White looked out at the stage

heard the crowd lit a cigarette and he went ah shit laughter laughter laughter in 1985 oh my i've always had made him work a little bit but i've ron and i have always had this little little special thing together you know i'll never forget we were just the curtain

jerkers on that thing you know we were just the opening actsers on that thing. We were just the opening acts. It started getting a little bit bigger. I remember we went over to Foxworthy's house one afternoon in Atlanta. We'd flown up and done a show on a Friday night and all hopped on the plane, flew back to Georgia and going to fly out again that next afternoon to do another one. Then I'll go on our separate ways. And we went over to Jeff's house, which I like to call the La Quinta Inn. And we just walked up to the house and soon as we walked in, Ron White looked at me and he goes, oh, man, Dan, this is so unattainable. And I look at Ron and I say, hey, Ron, never say something's unattainable.

We're on a good tour. You're a funny guy. You never know. You never know what can happen. So everything's attainable. And by gosh, it just started rolling after that. So every time I see Ron, we have a good little special hug because we had that little moment there.

He's just such a big guy. I love him so much. I imagine you guys had, I think of you two guys as kind of the drinkers of the tour. So I imagine aside from the curtain jerkers or the unattainable, I imagine you guys had a few wild nights as well. Believe it or not, I'm not a big drinker at all really you're tweeting just now about being on a maker's mark i figured you were having a grand old party of the quarantine i am not a drinker at all i've my only vice in life has been chewing tobacco. Really? I love that. I love smoking cigars. I love

chewing. But I've never been a drinker. I will say this. We had probably early on in my tour, and I wasn't a drinker. Early on in my tour, I will say though, my

I mean, it was just crazy i mean everything happened so fast one minute you know i'm working on the blue collar comedy tour the next minute they're offering me movie roles and i look at my schedule and you know i'm selling 10 000 tickets in 40 minutes in cities so we get on a tour bus and about three months into the first tour uh i said what the heck man let's have some parties you know we're on a tour bus and and i don't think that i was man i tell you i got to the i i that i think i had about a three-month spell where that's all we did was we drank. And I remember my manager, the one good thing he did was he goes, let me ask you something. I said, what?

He goes, did you fall asleep last night with half your body hanging out the bus window? I said, yeah. And he goes, and it rained on you all night long. I said, yes. And he goes, and it rained on you all night long. I said, yes, it did. I fell asleep hanging out the window. Yeah, so I think when you say you don't drink at all, I think that's a relative term. It sounds like you had a couple nights, brother.

Well, it was a three-month span. I mean, you got caught up in the tour. It was unbelievable. And he called me and he told me hey listen and i always credit him for this listen if i hear any if i hear about this again if i hear about you guys out on that bus and you're drinking to the point that's happening he goes if i hear about you drinking again he goes goes, I'm going to cancel every day you got. And we'll start again next year because you're starting to go down the wrong road. He goes, this happens to everybody that all of a sudden they get they start doing this.

And I told him, I said, you know what? I'll quit. I'm not a drinker anyway. I just got caught up and I want to do it again. I ain't touched it since. Wow. That's impressive. And that was your tour manager was the one who said that? Yeah, my manager. Manager, yeah. That's smart.

I mean, he's probably right. But, I mean, good thing you did that because I think you made the right choice seeing where the direction things went. Yeah, and in all honesty, I was never a drinker. Of course, when I do my character, when I do my whole act and stuff, of course, yeah, we was up here at 10 bar last week. How much would you say is an act? How much would you say is your real personality? You know what?

Early on, it was all made up. I mean, I wasn't married, and i didn't have kids you know so i'm making up ex-wives and brothers and you know my sister-in-law she's in fact you know i got married and i had kids and there's so much humor In family life That's awesome And then of course I did the Cars movies And I did Mater And a lot of the Some people want to bring their older kids out

You know So I always say My show went from PG My show went from PG-15 To PG-12 So That's pretty My show went from PG-15

Pretty good for 15 minutes To PG-12, pretty good for 12 minutes You know Things just kind of change I think now I incorporate In my act A lot more Reality Just because I'm married with kids.

Before it was just completely all made up. But it's like I do jokes about, I would have never done before because I never had kids. But, for instance, my Father's Day stuff, I talk about, man, now that you got kids, I can do Father's Day. But Father's Day is the biggest piece of crap holiday around because that's where you watch your kids take your money and buy you crap you didn't want to begin with. You know, I would never be able to do those jokes if I didn't have a family

and kids. So a lot of the stuff that I talk about with my family happened. I just made jokes out of what happened. And I still do my other stuff, too, where it's just all completely just one liner made up stuff, you know, like the joke I do about, yeah, my mother-in-law won $400 in a hot dog eating contest. She ate four hot dogs in 10 minutes. You believe that?

My mother-in-law not talking for 10 minutes? So it's still stuff like that. So I think I mix everything in real good, you know. So I don't know. At the start of your career, right, let's think I mix everything in real good. At the start of your career, let's say we're talking in 1985, Larry. If I was to tell you one of two things, what would be more surprising? One of three things. What would be more

surprising? Grammy nominee, fashion icon, or you have an over-the-counter drug deal? Yeah, that Prilosec money, bro. Over-the-counter drug deal. Yeah, that Prilosec money, brother. Over-the-counter drug deal. Yeah, Prilosec. Hey, you know what's funny about that?

I've done two national commercials, and I'm the only guy to ever go from Nutrisystem commercials to heartburn medication. Listen, the heartburn, I don't think you could be a better spokesman, you know, except for this guy right here. My boy John, he might come for the Prilosec crown. Larry, between the Prilosec, I feel like I'm looking into the future right here. And I like what I see, I'll be honest. I'll tell you what, you know, you get to a certain age, you just got to find out there's certain things you can't eat anymore. Yeah, that's a tough realization. Live on that pill because you never know.

It's always a different food that gets you because you're older. Like I can't eat chocolate anymore. Certain candies, nacho, like Doritos. I love Doritos, but I noticed that when I eat Doritos now, it gives me a heartburn. There's just certain elements of food that I can't eat because I'm older and my body just can't take it. Now, but despite the age, you say you are still a style icon. Do you consider yourself that?

Well, absolutely. Okay. Yeah, right. We were talking about it before the show. say you are still a style icon do you consider yourself that well absolutely okay right like we were talking about it before the show what's that i would say we were talking about it before the show naming kind of like the iconic stage outfits it's like steve jobs you got zuckerberg in his sweatshirt and then you know maybe michael jackson's glove and then larry cable guy is right there i tell you it was the greatest decision of my life to do that blue-collar comedy tour special with a sleeveless flannel because now everywhere I go, people expect me to not be dressed up.

They're disappointed if I show up. I mean, you know, stage is one thing, but in my real life, I'm me. I'm just a regular guy mean you know stage is one thing but in my real life i'm me i'm just regular guy you know but even if i go somewhere and i'm invited to like some deal like i remember tom osborne the great coach of the university of nebraska has a thing called teammates and uh so i got they wanted on the panel that night it was going to be a woman asking questions. And the panel that night was me, Coach Osborne and Warren Buffett. And okay. I said, people get pretty dressed up for that.

You know, it's because I was going to, and she goes, wow, just wear what you wear, man. We want you to wear what you wear. And I said, all right. So I show up and they're all in so i show up they're holding their suits i'm sitting there in a sleeveless t-shirt a pair of camo shorts and i wore that too because tom osborne said he had a presentation to make and he stood up took his suit coat jacket off and he cut the sleeves off of his shirt so it's it's a great i picked a great profession uh because i don't have to worry about ever

dressing up so what would have been uh plan b i didn't really have a plan b i feel like the people who make it the biggest they they didn't have any sort of safety net or fallback because at some point during that 10 years before it pops you probably would have just said ah fuck it i'm gonna go do whatever i tell you i i'm just so thankful i mean honestly it's everything i didn't plan any of it like people said boy that catchphrase get her done how'd you come up with that i don't know i just said it one day and i kept saying it and all of a sudden everybody's saying it has there ever been a part of you that resents it where it

gets used? On a much smaller scale, we had Saturdays for the Boys, which just meant have fun and all that stuff. And then now it gets used against us in the sense it gets used to mock us. Where it's like, no, that's not what it meant. It gets us accused of misogyny. Do you kind of feel bad or or regret that like people use it to

make fun of southerners you feel bad about that either i mean it's something that you do and it's fun and it's kind of like people enjoy it uh when people it's a good way for people to they they see you they don't know what to so hey larry you're get it done. It's fun. It's just a way to connect with people. I could care less if they say it or not. I think it's awesome. I'm not ashamed of it. It's something that happened. It's just like when I'm out there doing charity events, this is what always happens.

Hey, Larry, what's Saturdays for? I go, for the boys. That's my guy. I mean, it takes one second. They smile, you smile. People that get upset about stuff like that are just a bunch of uptight douchebags.

Tell them. It's the most pathetic thing. I don't get why people get all bent over stupid stuff like that. I guarantee you one thing. Whoever's mad about it, if they were to come up with it and put out t-shirts, I guarantee you they wouldn't be upset about it.

When the shop clears. They would think it's something. Maybe they could have a phrase too. Larry, you made me feel a lot better about myself right there. It is. We've always been told that it's not a brand.

It's not a successful brand until it annoys people. And and it is sometimes that's what happens. And guess what? Too bad. It is what it is. And I mean, if it's a fun thing and people enjoy it, you're not hurting anybody. What? I don't get what the big deal is. know it's always funny uh when i was doing this like everything was just i didn't i wanted to get into comedy and make people laugh and make a good living at it because i wanted to do a job that i enjoyed and i could make and so i never thought i would ever get i mean my goal wasn't to be this big huge successful Grammy nominated. I just loved doing it. And then it just got bigger and bigger and

they would throw stuff in my lap. It's like the movies, you know, people people always, you know, that don't like, they'll mock your movies or those movies suck. And it's like, well, you know, some people like them. If you didn't like them, who cares? A lot of people like them.

Yeah, but here's the thing. It's not like I said, gotta do a movie can we do honest to god i was sitting on the bus one day and my manager called me and says hey you want to do a movie i said what do you mean a movie he goes you want to do a movie somebody's offered lionsgate once you do a movie i said yeah i'll do a movie what is it that funny movie about a health inspector and i said yeah let'll do a movie What is it A funny movie about a health inspector I said yeah Let's do a movie He goes I'll send you the script And I go well did you read it

He goes yeah is it funny He goes oh yeah it's hilarious I go alright well you can send it I'll just do it I'll be straight up honest with you guys I was halfway done filming the movie before I ever knew it was a major motion picture. I thought I was shooting just a DVD movie.

You didn't know it was going to be in theaters or anything? I had no clue. You know how many struggling actors are out there oh my god it took like a month to film the movie and about two and a half to three weeks then I go

hey somebody just said is this like going to theaters that's unbelievable before we let you go because we're on time here uh were you ever aware of the urban legend that you were actually a harvard graduate oh i've heard every one of them yeah that one i think we've all heard that one and i think everybody when they first hear it kind of believe it they're like oh wow okay it's all an actor or whatever but uh that's got to be out of all the urban legends you can have about you being a harvard graduate genius is not not too bad whenever i hear that i always say

that is such garbage i went to brown one-liner you're the king of them larry people i mean you they can change your wikipedia all they want but just a nice quick for you guys just a nice quick round thing i grew up on a pig farm in a town of 1200 in southeast nebraska everybody in nebraska knows southeast nebraska is the redneck part of Nebraska. We all have a little special bond down there. I moved to West Palm Beach, Florida when I was 15 because my dad was a jack of all trades. One thing he did, he was a preacher and he was a guidance counselor at a public school and he got a job as the elementary principal at the fifth largest Christian school in the United States. So then I hear people go, he went to a private school. He was a rich kid.

I went there for free because my dad got the job there. I got thrown out after two years. Your dad threw you out? No, he was the elementary principal Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I went to another school And still haven't received my high school diploma Because I couldn't afford to pay the bill But they let me finish out

And then I went to college for two years And I dropped out because I wanted to make some money So I didn't have to work through school to play baseball. I started doing comedy and the rest is history. So whoever says I went to Harvard, I've had a little I've had definitely I went to two years of school, but it was a Baptist college in Georgia. And I went to more Braves games and I did. Well, I would say you made the right choice, my man. So the new special is out right now.

Remain seated. You can get it on LarryTheCableGuy.com, right? You can get it there. You can get it on all, anywhere you watch movies or any device you have. You can get it on DirecTV, Dish Network, Hulu, Amazon Prime, all of that stuff. I want it on YouTube. You can get it on DirecTV, Dish Network, Hulu, Amazon Prime, all of it.

I want it on YouTube. You can rent it on YouTube. So anywhere you watch movies and videos, check it out. It's Larry the Cable Guy. Remain seated. Thanks so much for the time, man. I appreciate you guys. And hey, what's Saturdays for? The boys, Larry! Hit or none!

Hit or none! Have a good one. See you later, Larry. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Bye. Look at what you see in her face. The mirror of your dreams.

Make believe I'm everywhere. Give it in the light written on the pages is the answer to a never ending story reach the stars lie a fantasy dream a dream

And what you see will be The sun, the kingdom, the great spirit Are both behind the clouds And there upon a rainbow is The answer to a never-ending story. Ah, story.