KFC Radio - Journalist Conducts Interview While Participating in An Orgy

Episode Date: June 3, 2021

Subscribe, rate, share, and leave a review! barstool.link/KFCRADIO -What does mutual jerking mean? We demonstrate. -The new tv show Hacks brings up a DARK DARK DARK hypothetical -KFC got a gruesome, intriguing dm that involves a slaughter -We check in on Feits Investments -KFC, Kate, Clem, Frank the Tank, and MRags played Oregon Trail together -Could we survive on the Oregon trail? -A team bathroom break led to an awkward revelation -A Journalist conduct an interview while having sex at an orgy -AITA Thursday: Godfather Contract, Pigeon Lady -Voicemails: Simp Stories and a bachelor party Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @nickhammy5 @JNics415 @Joshua__dm @macczack21You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Ladies and gentlemen, I now need to introduce to you the greatest show on Earth! So, I filmed my dick. Audio, like, I just, I, yeah, that's, right, this is bad. This one's bad are you ready it's another edition of kfc radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's Clancy and Fights.

We are, we've, well, let's dive right into it. If someone told you that they were in a mutual jerk situation, if two guys engaged in a mutual jerk, are you? I'm playing with Jackie's gum. Oh! I thought it was just a wrapper. That's not bad. Yeah, yeah, we know.

We know. It's not full gum. It's in a wrapper. So we got the jar. Josh came in today, this morning, on the honor code. Just walked in like Kramer, throwing down his money. I'm out. Just put a dollar in and walked out saying, I just said I wish I would die.

It's like the most honorable thing I've ever seen. A mutual jerk. I think a mutual jerk. My mind immediately went to cross jerk. Yes. Just an Xbox to spot jerk. Yeah, yeah. Just fucking two guys going like that.

But now I think. I couldn't even see. That means side by side. What about if you're. Oh. A road jerk? A road jerk, they call that. I'm thinking if we're standing face to face, I'm just looking into the eyes. They call that the rope pull.

Yeah. I mean, I think that's more normal. I think if you're laying in bed, you're doing the cross. I think you're just jerking yourself. So just totally side by side? Okay, so if I were to tell you me and a female were involved in mutual masturbation, I'd be jerking myself. She would be fingering herself. Masturbation implies you're doing it to yourself.

Jerking off can go either way. I jerked him off. I jerked myself off. True. So mutual masturbation, I totally agree. That's everyone touching themselves. A mutual jerk, I think, implies we jerked each other's dicks simultaneously. Now, what if I add the word sesh?

What about a mutual jerk sesh? I think you're jerking yourself again. Is there a chance that much like with men and women sometimes, unless you're like 69ing, it's like you go, then I go. What if it's like he jerked me off to completion, and then I jerked him off to completion? No, I wouldn't think that. I think you gotta have

because you just once you're done there's simultaneous if i was like fucking having a mutual masturbation session with a girl i would be so and i came first and she was like she's like i'm gonna go now i'd be like you do whatever the fuck you want i'm getting out of here no i'm gonna watch tv in the other room i don't give a fuck what you do you know i've seen i've seen uh plenty of uh porn when i'm once i'm done sifting through defeated sex fight videos on Pornhub, you see these videos where a guy keeps going afterwards or they keep filming or they do some extra shit.

Playing with the cum and all this crazy shit. And then I'm like, yo, I'm going to do that. Next time, I'm going to do that. And then I come and I'm like, I'm fucking out of here, man. I'm fucking out of here. I'm going to go make some waffles. I got time to watch a cream pie drip on me. I got to go put my pants on before you see me naked. You think we're going to snowball here?

I got to put my shirt back on so you don't see my fucking gut, okay, man? No worse look than when you got no pants on and a shirt on. You know what I mean? You're Winnie the Pooh-ing with some girl and you just came? No. If I don't watch anything, that means we've got to turn lights on, which means you're not going to be with me anymore, so I'm out. Totally agree.

If you want something to occur in our bedroom session, make sure it happens before I come. Because afterwards, if you're asking me, like, can you do that thing? Actually, that's a little bit wrong. If it was a really piss poor performance and I need to go down on you or I owe you one, I'll keep going. But if it's something like, oh, we said we were going to do that thing,

nah. We'll do that next time. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. Exactly. In every single situation. 100%. And there's no dessert stomach coming through here. There's no extra gear here. When I'm done, I'm done. Once I finish, you ask me to do anything, it's like, you might as well be asking a sloth

to go run a marathon. I'm like, I'm just going to chill in this tree and eat this fucking fruit. Dishes? Nothing! No, yeah. It's not like the old, like, the cliche of, like, oh, I'm like a tranquilized bear, like, I'll fall asleep. It's just like, I'm just not doing anything sexual anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want to lay here and watch TV? Perfect. Sure. But it's just... I'll order food. Yeah. I'll do all the other things. The bare minimum. Yeah.

Like, I'm not going to cook. Well, I'll probably cook food, too. I am still alive. I will go on DoorDash for you, and that's about it. All right. Hang on, though. I just got an idea.

Oh, we're going to jerk each other off? Well, just, like, try and see if you can stay on pace. I'll stand up. Oh, we're going upward? Well, that's the other thing. It's going to be hard in this area. Are you going to jerk each other off? Well, just, like, try and see if you can stay on pace. I'll stand up. Oh, we're going upward? Well, that's the other thing. It's going to be hard in this area. Are you going to stand up?

You wouldn't stand up. So you're laying down. Bro, it's hard enough to jerk myself off when I'm standing up, let alone another dude. That's why you've never been a shower guy, but that is one of the trials and tribulations of the shower. Where all of a sudden you're, like, leaning over. You're like, can this end? Bro, because you've got to, like, flex. trials and tribulations in the shower where all of a sudden you're like leaning over you're like can this end bro cause you gotta like flex but I don't think fucking like

I like flex all my leg muscles when I'm like fucking like sexing and stuff and like so if I'm flexing all my leg muscles while I'm standing I'm on my tiptoes

and it's just it's just weird it's a good workout it's just like alright so also I have that goddamn fucking shadow from my shower

remember I've drawn you a picture of it before where it's just a picture of it before. Where it's just a horrible look. Oh, yeah. And that's the noise you make too, isn't it? I don't make any noise. I'm a silent masturbator.

Silent fucker. Are you a silent comer? Yeah, definitely. Well, like when I'm fucking jerking off. Will you just be like... Like, is there even any sound or something? Bro, if we turned all the lights off in this room, I could come and you guys would have no idea. Look me down the eye and blink. Just like you blink once.

Could you come? Bro, I wouldn't even fucking blink. I'd set my tiptoes real quick. Evans, the that seem... Have you ever... Did you ever hear of that game? I was going to ask if you played the game. I would hope not.

But maybe. I don't know. You ever heard of the game of like... It's called like Smiles or something with the word smile. You sit down. This is probably, you know... You probably can't do this kind of stuff anymore. Probably can't even talk about it on a a podcast but the legend i heard in high school

was that uh these guys all sat around a table stone face yeah yeah and and then she goes underneath and blows you and and like you can't you you know you have like a stone face oh you're getting blown because she just bounces around or she picks one person yeah no no bounces around right yeah that's uh you ever it? I've never done it No Millen Academy has That's what I mean Millen Academy hockey team

Got in quite a bit of trouble Okay so that's what I was gonna say It's a pretty Precarious situation But it was confirmed To be happening This is trouble back in the day Yeah

So that happens now Yeah I knew There weren't even laws back then It was like 2007 Right You could do whatever the fuck you wanted. I mean, the story I heard was, you know, all the older guys and all these fucking, like,

guidos who did it with each other. And I always questioned whether or not it happened. But this, since it was like an investigation, it happened. Yeah, there was a reckoning for this one. I think, like, everyone got kicked out of school. I'll tell you what. The girls doing those things. You know, there's a father at home, man.

It is. There's a goddamn father at home being like, where's my daughter? And it's like, she's under the table blowing off. It's basically, it was in fucking Shameless. It was? It wasn't. Yeah, I mean, it was Stoneface. It was the girl.

It gets real dark. Let's maybe move on Well no no It's a TV show It's not a real thing Was it the redhead? No it was the girl No no no

It wasn't one of those kids She was blowing Lippin Ian Oh And the dad kills himself Ian's gay Yeah Ian's not gay yet It's season one

Okay got it And she's like Sucking his dick out of the table Dad drops an apple Bends over To pick it up. She's her. Then she like tattoos like whore across her stomach.

No, whore down her arm because they're very religious. And then she's like, they go to like a purity class. And she stands up and just talks about fucking. Some people are like, I kissed. And then she sits there like that. And she's like, I took my friend's like 18-inch black dildo. And she's coming back to me. And then he goes home and kills himself.

He jumps in the ocean. Right. Yeah, with the bricks, right? Yeah. Okay, let's jerk each other off. Yeah. Anyway, that's the plot of Shameless Season 1. Now, the reason I asked this standing up was I knew two of my friends in college.

They said they called it that she went skiing. She was sitting on a trash can, and they were standing up side by side. It's trash can! And she was jerking them off like this. Why was she sitting on a trash can? I don't know. I think it was kind of like, they're going to sit, we're going to stand, you're going to sit, and I don't know, that was what was there.

They're an Oscar the Grouch better. But now even that, I ask you this. If you were sitting on the trash can, would you – I think I would go like this. I don't think I would do this. That feels hard to me. This feels like you're just – this is your natural movement. You're running. You're walking.

Your arms are pumping. This feels like I'm, you know, cross-country skiing. Well, I'd give you a better one like this. I think I'd probably go like this and quickly I'd realize, like, this is the way to do it. That's what I mean. I'm tired from doing this, like, five times. This is da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Or, you know what?

That's really what it is. It's not this. I feel like we're kind of doing the Silicon Valley thing right now. Yeah, it does feel that way. I would do them side by side facing each other, and I would go like this. Oh, no, no, this is too hard. This is the most natural movement we do. This is just running, baby.

I just, I'd probably fuck you. Because the girls are always doing this, you know. The girls in porn are always down here. Yeah, they're not really, they're not on beat. No, they would definitely be. You would never see their fist pumping. That's the Jersey Shore, that's the fucking Tommy Cheese Balls. This is so many fucking bad videos we're showing right now.

I'm sure none of them are flattering in any way, shape, or form. Like, I'd come like this! So anyway. See, like, I think... Our arms would be hitting. Yeah. It's almost like, you know what it is? It's like fighting for the armrest in the airplane.

It's like, no, I'm going over there. No, I'm going back here. I'm going over there. You gotta really get on beat., I'm going over there. No, I'm going back here. I'm going over there. You got to really get on beat. And I don't have rhythm. And really, if I'm holding you and you're hitting it, that's going to hurt. I'm going to, ugh, ugh, ugh. My dick's going to pop.

Yeah, if we're in the middle of a fucking, if we're in the middle of a mutual jerk, I'm probably going to be like, look, man, let's make this a mutual masturbation because a mutual jerk isn't really doing it for me. I also think that that's the better way to. You keep punching my balls. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If I just kept hitting your hand down, you'd be like, do you want to go that far?

It's like, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum. Your balls are bouncing off my hand and back against your paint. I'd take four ball punches and I'd say, you know what, let's move on. Somebody cancel this goddamn show for the love of God. I mean, let's move on from the ball punches. No, I know. I mean, I know what you meant. I'm also just saying this is ridiculous.

But that also, all of this experiment led me to believe, and my official final answer is that it must be some sort of mutual masturbation because that would be a whole production. It's too much. I do believe the Nordic track is a thing, though. But you're not using both hands, then. Yeah, I know. So I would just be like this.

It would be like an exchanged hand. It's almost like you're getting shanked. Yeah, but then I feel like. What's the Dutch rudder? You know the Dutch rudder? Yeah, that's a rim job in a fucking thing, right? Oh, then that's. Well, maybe I'm wrong.

That's where I hold my dick and you move my arm for me. What's the rim job in the thing? The rusty trombone. Rusty trombone. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe we need, like, another jar. Maybe we need, like, a Jackie jar where she just goes, oh, god damn it.

I mean, what do your friends really think? I know we've heard them say before, like, you work for the biggest, like, douchebags, but this is worse than douchebag. This is like, what are you doing, Jackie? I, like, make sure that they don't hear you guys talk about this. Oh, you're ashamed of your work? Yeah.

Welcome to the fucking... It's okay. You think I let my friends listen to this podcast? No. You think we like doing this? This is what we have to do. We got nothing else, okay? I'm often like, I should have worked for chicks or something.

Yeah, definitely. You made a bad decision. Yeah, the chicks are like a fucking rocket ship to the moon and she's sitting here with the 30-year-old guy talking about jerking

each other off. Yikes. I'm saying, it wouldn't change over the world. Uh-huh, uh-huh. The Dutch runner is, though, you know,

where... But anyway. You, uh... You hold your dick and you move my arms? No, I hold... You hold your own dick and then you move my arms? No, I hold... You hold your own dick and then you move my arm? And then you move my arm.

Right. I just feel like the whole point is that you don't have your own hand on your own dick, right? Because then it's like just jerking off. So wouldn't it be like you hold my dick, but I move your arm? So that way you're not doing work and I'm not... Yeah, that would probably make the most sense. But it's like if I'm going to sit there moving your arm, I might as well just jerk my own. I think it was in Zack and Miri Make a Porno, right?

It was so it's not gay. You're holding your own dick. Your own dick, right. And just someone else is doing the work. Then there's the stranger. You sit on your hand until it's numb. But you couldn't really jerk off if your hand was numb. Also, if your hand just stayed numb the entire session is a lot.

Also, Zack and Miri, have you watched it recently? I watched it like two weeks ago, oddly enough. Why? I don't know. It just popped into our heads. We watched it. Is that not a bad movie? That's not what I think to watch. Shout out to Jay. Jay and Silent Bob Jay. He

fucks those girls in it. I mean, they're not fucking, but it's because it's a porn star who plays. Her ass is smashing off him. He's holding her hips. I mean, they're not fucking, but it's because it's a porn star who plays. And her ass is smashing off him. He's holding her hips. They're not simulating all that much. I'm sure he's not in her, but they went for it, man.

They did some shit. Did you see the TikTok of the sex scene from Friends with Benefits? Or whichever one's JT. Which one is that? JT is Friends with Benefits. Friends with Benefits, or whichever one's JT. Which one is that? JT is Friends with Benefits. Friends with Benefits. The cameraman is standing above him holding the camera, and he's supposed to be – she's supposed to be on top, and I think he's supposed to be doing the work.

Oh, I actually have seen this clip. I just didn't know where it was from. Yeah, he's grabbing his legs and shaking the cameraman's legs and thrusting his body while the cameraman just stands there. It's like, boy, does that take the sex appeal out of this fucking scene. I used to think, oh man, Mila Kunis is so hot. Now I'm going to think of JT grabbing some guy's cargo shorts while he thrusts his dick in the air.

Boy, you do not want to see other sausages made on that shit, man. Movie sex scenes, no thank you. Let's start the show. Today's brought to you by Helix Sleep. It's a great bed for sleep. It's a great bed for any of your activities. That's the thing about your bed these days.

Your bed, especially if you live in Manhattan where you're in a studio apartment, your bed is everything. It's where you sleep. It's where you entertain. It's where you relax. It's where you enjoy. You watch TV, watch movies, have company. Your bed's the most important thing.

What's more important than your bed? Like a worldly possession that you own. Like your phone, you have to say, right? Phone. Phone, computer. I don't even know what computer tops out anymore. I was just saying because you got your phone to do it. There was a time when it was a computer phone.

I think it goes phone, bed. Phone, bed. Yeah, and I mean, you know, what they say a million times, it's where you spend 30% of your life. I spend more than 30%. That's what I mean. I spend, let's call it 70%. Right, because when you go home, you're like sitting in bed.

Just playing in bed. On your phone. I do know like sleep therapists will tell you like only go to bed when it's time for bed. Don't spend time in your bed because then your body gets used to it. We're awake in here. This is your spot to be asleep. Don't listen to those. I don't listen to that rule because I am in bed

all... I'm in bed... If I'm not in this office, I'm in a bar in bed. You're also depressed. I can't get out of bed at all for anything. But Helix sleep beds are that comfortable and worth every penny and they're affordable. It's not like it's one of these mattresses that comfortable and worth every penny, and they're affordable.

It's not like it's one of these mattresses that are through-the-roof expensive. But if you're debating being cheap with it or not going for one of these high-quality companies like Helix that really takes the time to make these beds quality, you're an idiot. Because it's one of the most important things for whether you sleep on your side, your back, your stomach, whether you toss and turn, whether you sleep like a rock, light sleeper, heavy sleeper, whether you like it firm, whether you like it soft. They've got every sort of mattress for you. And what you do is you log on and take a quiz, a little survey, and it tells you what type of person you are, what type of sleeper you are, what type of bed you need. And right now, you can go ahead and get that Helix Sleep mattress for $200 off. God damn. $200 off and two free pillows.

Pillows are fucking expensive. I'm actually doing this right now. I'm currently purchasing. I haven't bought one. I was looking at one today. I'll do it. Yeah, Jackie's moving in. We'll talk about that in a second.

Jackie's moving into an apartment, sight unseen, with nothing. No bed, no furniture, no nothing. That's the way to do it. You don't have to move. How does that make you feel? You're doing what Feidelberg does. Yeah, that's not great. Oh, come on.

Saved a ton on moving costs. I just borrowed my dad's SUV and put two boxes in it. As a 32-year-old, that's how I moved. Your dad was like, son, you need any help? I guess I could borrow your car. That's it?

Yeah. I came down alone. My cousin was like, I'll come help you. I was like, I'm already done, man. Don't worry about it. Oh, man.

So when you ask how many possessions I have, we've had that conversation before. What would you save in your apartment I got nothing Your Helix sleep mattress is the way The one thing you should save So two free pillows Good pillows I think are like $100 each too

So you're getting like $400 off I remember being stunned when I bought two pillows You can get the cheap ones But the real good pillows and the real good mattresses, when you get a discount like this, you do not want to sleep on it. Look what you did there. That was so natural. I didn't even mean that one.

Helixsleep.com slash KFC. Get $200 off all mattress orders plus the two free pillows. That's Helixsleep.com slash KFC for $200 off and two free pillows. This whole segment is ajar. I might put a five spot in the jar. We talked about this. We didn't talk about this on the show, though, right? We talked about this in the bullpen?

Yes. Okay. So I'm watching the show Hacks, which is a very funny show. It's a funny show. I shouldn't say very funny. It's a good HBO half-hour comedy. And Jean Smart's in it, and I'm riding high for Mayor of Easttown, and I loved her in Watchmen.

By the way, Mayor of Easttown, who was that? Who spelled Mayor M-A-Y-O-R? You did Mayor of Easttown? Well, technically. It's a yes or a no. You did mayor of Easttown? It's a yes or a no. But I knew. Clem tweeted after episode five when I was raving about it. He tweeted, I am just learning now that the show you guys are all talking about is not called the mayor of Easttown.

I literally knew it was mayor. Sounds like you didn't. No, I know it sounds like it didn't. But I so consciously was like, don't write mayor, because every part of me wanted to write mayor. And there were so many times, there were so many clips that you guys have done on Mayor of Easttown, and I spelled it right every single time. I've caught myself, and I slipped up once.

One time. You Michael Scotted it. Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it. Yeah. For those who couldn't see, it was off camera, Nick just did one of these, pointed at her. Who was it? Her over there.

Yeah, mayor of Easttown. What an idiot. What a fucking idiot. So in Hacks, the story of Hacks is a Vegas, like a 40-year Vegas veteran. She does stand-up comedy. I guess kind of like a Joan Rivers influence. So she has a Vegas residency. She's starting to, like, lose traction a little bit.

There's also this up-and-coming Hollywood writer who was, I would envision she wrote, like, the script for Girls or something like that. But she's getting canceled over a tweet. So she lost all of her job opportunities. And her agent was like, the only thing I have for you is that you can go help this woman write jokes and her team is like i know you don't want to do this but we're we you need to because we got to get younger so like there's this couple that just and the odd couple it doesn't really work so she's in she has to move to vegas to do this and she's miserable and then she finally goes out and has one fun night she uh she since she lives in vegas, she goes to talk to her friend who's a blackjack dealer. And sitting alone at the table is this guy.

And he's quick and witty and charming. And he's betting. And he's like, place a bet. He's like, you know what? I'm all in because she's good luck. Tell me, hit or stay. And she's like, hit. He busts, loses like three grand.

And he's like, it's fine because, you know what? Three grand to have got to meet you, like it's fine because you know what three grand to have got to meet you like it's worth it and she's like googly-eyed and he's got all the right fucking uh lines but every time like he's also like you know he's like you're just like so beautiful do you want to do some coke and she's like yeah okay and he has like a ton of coke on him and then they're walking together hand in hand they're having this wonderful date and he and she runs into like some old hollywood friends who look down upon her now And he has like a ton of coke on him. And then they're walking together hand in hand. They're having this wonderful date. And she runs into like some old Hollywood friends who look down upon her now.

And she has a run in with them. And he hypes her up in this beautiful way. And then he's like, do you want to do some molly? She's like, okay, like more drugs, like fine. And so every step of the way, it's all this inspirational shit. But he's also like, let's fucking go. Let's rage. Finishes off the night where he convinces her to well she she calls her boss she she spouts off all this steam

because he gives her this big inspirational speech about if something's wrong in your life you got to fix it wakes up the next morning after this like coke fueled sex binge and he's snuggled and sleeping and she's like smiling nicely she goes to get some coffee as she walks back to the hotel there's caution tape everywhere and there's a cop who's like whoa you can't walk in this entrance somebody jumped and she's like what somebody jumped and the cop's like yeah uh some people do it all the time like it happens here all the time people come and they blow every last dime they had and they want to like have one last night of partying and they don't care about their money they just want to do drugs and they end it and you can see

her like oh fuck and she goes back up to the hotel room and like he had thrown a fucking chair through the window and it's just smashed out the wind is blowing glasses everywhere and he he fucked her and then jumped out the goddamn window and And she obviously goes into a spiral. How would you take that? If that happened to you, what would your reaction be? Because I think it can go several ways. None of which are good, but I think there's a couple ways to take it. I don't think I would take it on any deeper level at all than just like i

think i'd be like i have so much cleanup to do right now like that really like but like i like clean up like i'm like i'm gonna talk to people oh yeah i'm not clean up i've read chores she had to like give her statement to the police yeah i i have to talk to his family i probably like i have many chores to do today right Right. This fucking sucks. Right. I would be devastated. Yeah. Cause you'd probably be like almost like a suspect. They have to check that box first.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That, yeah. That's like, that's a really, you know,

I don't think I'd get very introspective with it. I'd be like, I fucked a suicidal guy. Probably not the first time. Now. And also though, would you not have a, a feeling of like,

I suck in bed there's no like I would hope if you were gonna kill yourself and then you fucked me that she was like well at least I wanna fuck him again in the morning like that girl fucks you that's like you know how Jared seven times has turned a girl lesbian

because they're just like this is the worst dick I've ever had this is the worst experience ever I just wanna go down on girls forever now that, this is the worst dick I've ever had. This is the worst experience ever. I just want to go down on girls forever now. That's the extreme. That was so subpar, I still want to be dead. Yeah, I think if you're blaming yourself for that, you're great. Not blaming myself, but it was an opportunity.

Had I fucked better, imagine that story. I turned a suicidal person happy. Yeah, it's like I turned a gay guy straight. I turned a suicidal person fucking, you know, not suicidal. I can't put my mind into hers. I'm really focused on being in his. And I would have left a note that said like, I don't know, like, if you gave better head, I'd still be here. I think jar.

Like. Oh, that was great. That was so genuine. You would have thought that was like scripted. I think jar. Oh, my God. That was great. Like, I just like, I remember when, and again, this is back in the day when you could do

anything. When I, I wrote a blog where I was genuinely trying to get, it was during the flakey. Oh, to get everyone to kill themselves. And I was trying to get, I wasn't trying to get people to kill themselves. I was saying, look, if you're going to do it, say it was Goodell's fault. Like, I was trying to get a mass suicide across New England. Yeah. And I wanted everyone to blame Roger Goodell.

Which is an amazing idea. I mean, imagine if, like, the Thursday before the big game, the cops are like, we had like 64 suicides within Massachusetts last night, and everybody said it was Roger Goodell's fault. I was like right on a cocktail napkin like Belichick's resignation letter. I thought it out pretty strongly. Where's the stack of money? It's like five bucks.

I think we're going to go a solid ten spot on this one. I would do the same thing with this situation where I'd be like, I wasn't... My whole time in Vegas, all the coke I bought, all the money I bought, I had all the money I was losing. I knew it didn't matter. I wasn't going Like, my whole time in Vegas, all the coke I bought, all the money I bought, I had all the money I was losing. I knew it didn't matter.

I wasn't going to see tomorrow. Right, right. Or I guess maybe two days. I was going to see the morning. But I would, like, I would just, I don't know, it would be funny to fuck with this girl for the rest of her life. That's the thing. It really, like, you could absolutely ruin somebody. Like, it would be funny to fucking put this girl into therapy.

Like, I just spent the night with her. I do. funny to fucking put this girl into therapy. I just spent the night with her. I'm going to do a couple more dollars for John. Seven dollars for John. I just spent the night with her. Five dollars for me. Clearly she needs help. That would actually be one of the most fucking humanitarian things I've ever done, which would be to kill myself to get her into therapy.

You're saving a life. You spend all night with her, right? You're trying to gas her up. You can tell her this girl needs to talk to somebody. I'll jump out this window so she legally has to. What? Yeah. Yeah, no.

You're a hero. How to save a life. You fucking save that girl. You kill yourself to save that girl's life she was on the verge of suicide in the show this girl's so depressed she was probably suicidal yeah now she's got now she's thinking how she's court ordered has to talk to somebody you're welcome five minutes i got i might as well cram it in here. We'll have one big... And then we'll have to find a five-minute sequitur here

because I have a story. I have a story. It's from the DMs that is astounding, mysterious, gruesome, gnarly, and really thought-provoking, intriguing.

So this guy texted me and he DMs me. He says, just got this text leading up to a birthday this weekend. Need to hear everyone's thoughts on whether this person – no, I'm just going to leave it at this. Okay. So he gets this text. Hey, team. So unfortunately, my friend – he blurted it out, so I'm just going to leave it at this. Okay. So he gets this text. Hey, team. So unfortunately, my friend...

He blurted it out, so I'll just say. So unfortunately, my friend Jessica, her dog was killed by an animal. Okay. So I'm thinking, like, you know, I don't know. You live in, like, the country or something. Like, the coyotes got them, you know? I mean, he went snakebite. Sure.

She walked into her apartment and found her dog split in two with blood everywhere. Not a snake. Maybe an anaconda. I don't know. Probably not a snake i have no idea how this happened but i'm almost positive she won't want to host anything for a little while so i'm moving the party to my apartment building here's the address this will be easier on everyone but please come here around 6 15 so i can get down to bringing everybody upstairs so the question is is this first of all a fake story and it's just the most ridiculous excuse you've ever heard this girl could have just been like

hey guys i don't really want to host anymore and instead she said that her dog was ripped in half or did this really happen and if it happened is this person, did they murder the dog? And their best story was that an animal did it? Or is there just like a serial dog murderer who's out here ripping dogs in half? Like what? So question number one, is this real? Real? Yes.

It's super possible it's not. Okay. So this dog has been ripped in half in what appears to be like a New York City apartment. Okay, now number two. We're not believing that animal. Wait, New York City apartment? Well, I don't know. I'm just thinking like, I don't know.

If it's New York City, fake. I don't think bears are climbing to the 70th floor. Well, that's what I'm saying. I think the whole idea that there's an animal is fucking preposterous. I just, I just like. Anyway, you're living in an apartment building. You're not like out in the wilderness. Oh, you live in Newman County, Atlanta. We got fucking plenty of bears out there.

How's that investment going, John? Seen any dividends yet? No, I heard there was a fucking hurricane. I literally don't know if it's standing. When someone asks you about your investment and you may or may not know this is a hurricane. The most diverse portfolio of all time. SafeMoon. Got it. Bitcoin.

Got it. Apartments in Atlanta. Not Atlanta. 45 minutes outside. Right off in Atlanta. Not Atlanta. 45 minutes outside. Right off the fucking interstate, Kevin. It's right off the interstate. If you work for FedEx, American Airlines, it's a great spot to be. Easy access to the airport.

Now, I didn't really know that hurricanes crept all the way up to Atlanta, but I guess, in fact, they do. Maybe it was just a regular old flood. I don't know. I saw the streets. They were pretty full. I don't know what it was that caused it. Quite a bit of water.

I'm pretty sure we're talking floating cars. Can you just Google the weather down there? And this was a few weeks ago What's it called again? I forget It's either Newman or Noonan It's one of the two I want to say Newman I think I know your town better than you

I mean I guess I would agree But I'm also just gonna Like this This guy I believe Is like a New York dude But I don't know Or a Philly guy maybe But I just don't know, like a Philly guy maybe.

But I just don't think any apartment situation, an animal comes into your apartment of any kind. Yes, New York City is the most ridiculous, but in no scenario is like a bear or some like chupacabra getting in your apartment, ripping your dog in half. And then, oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, no. Wait a minute. Let me read this out loud. From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, quote, you could hear it coming.

One dead as catastrophic tornado hits south of Atlanta. 45 minutes south. Debbie Dottie and her daughter Gracie walked down the Grain Street in Newman I mean it's it's it's absolutely eradicated

eradicated like trees down everything completely fucking trashed it was

yeah I did it was about a month ago oh John it is your apartment might not still be standing look at the sign on the ground which is like

the most symbolic thing ever. There's a Newman sign that's just fucking torn to pieces like this dog. The city of Newman ripped in half like this dog. I mean, I think we'll be fine. I think we'll be fine. I haven't heard anything. No news is good news, as they say. Oh, my Lord almighty.

I should check on that. Maybe you just haven't heard from your boy who set you up. He's like, John hasn't asked in a little while. Yeah, and I'm not going to. I don't ask for bad news. I'm literally never going to make this call. What's your guy's name? Just so we can check this article quick.

Yeah, is your boy still alive? Jesus. I think that this person or her neighbor or someone murdered this fucking dog. And there's a whole party of people who better speak up about it. I mean, if you're going to murder a dog. And I don't. I don't. How are you picturing this?

I don't coast on it. I'm honestly picturing a hole in the wall. I'm picturing it ripped in half that way. With like a bear running through. Like the Kool-Aid guy. Like a bear came in. Yeah. And he went out on two separate edges.

It makes sense. He could have gone out the same hole, but he came in one. And that's more of an agile fucking move. He's more like fucking streamlined coming in for the first one. Sure, sure. The second one, he's full. So he's a little like he's standing up kind of like he's walking out of the restaurant. It's like after we come.

Can't do anything serious. Can't burst through the door again. But I was picturing it. It's just like how does a dog wear pants? It's like this. Right. I'm picturing it ripped in half of the waistline. Like kind of.

Yeah. So like two legs over here. Like he grabbed the two legs the bear did, and then he just pulled. Two sets of legs together. Yeah. Yeah. So there's one set with legs and a head, and then there's one set with tail and legs. This is going to be our most hated segment.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, we've done dead dog stuff before. But here's how I'm picturing it. Actually, never mind. Just to cover our bases, we'll go back and say this is a fake story. I'm picturing, Nick, if you were to take the left dog there

and take the blue line and increase it all the way up through its mouth so that it's ripped in half that way. I'm picturing it ripped apart by the mandible. That is... Do you want Saw recently, too? I was going to say, so that it's ripped in half that way. I'm picturing it ripped apart by the mandible. That is... Yeah. You watched Saw recently, too? I was going to say, because what I believe is happening here

is a full-blown horror movie. I think someone's out here ripping dogs into pieces. But now you're back on the animal train, because a human can't do it. A human doesn't have the strength for it. Well, I didn't say a human. I didn't necessarily specify a human. You said this person killed their dog.

Something killed their dog. Chup this person killed their dog. Okay, something. Oh, so now we're going to do something like that. Something maybe almost like from Unbreakable, that guy who like turns into

that fucking Hulk thing, you know? No. No, not Unbreakable. Split. Split. Yeah, okay. James McAvoy, that is.

Okay, I could see that happening. I don't... Or just like a... I still think a dog's jaw in an arm wrestling match, Dog's Jaw wins Yeah, but like Let's say you knock this dog unconscious or something

Like in a meth-fueled rage Like a bath salts crocodile sort of thing I think this is dark, man This is bleak You guys are not thinking dark enough A dog's been ripped in half, folks I mean, how ridiculous This has to be a prank

To then be like like so meet me at you know one two three main street and make sure you buzz in a six party still on though yeah make sure we're doing a potluck what are you bringing again uh i'm bringing half of my dog like what darkest story i've ever heard how do we segue out of this? I'll tell you how. We played... Speaking of... Bleak existences, sure.

Would you ever have traveled the Oregon Trail? Oh. Like, if you were on the East Coast and they were like, there's gold in them there hills all the way across the country, you just gotta get in a wagon and go there. That is fucking crazy. Kevin, when people give me stock tips, I could move my thumb seven times and take part in those.

And you don't do that, do you? I don't do that. So do you think I'm going to get in a Conestoga wagon and travel 5,000 miles? Points to you for going Conestoga wagon. Yeah, I mean, that's my point, though. It's just so insane. I might like everything, because actually that's that's my point though I think I might

like everything because I actually that's kind of an exaggeration I usually do I'll buy something right of things I have

that diverse portfolio I'll keep it going yeah and you got more investments than I do I will but I'll usually just I'll be like

I'll either forget about it which is best case scenario or I'll remember it and be like never mind I'm not about it, which is best case scenario, or I'll remember it and be like, nevermind. I'm not doing this anymore. Yeah.

So like I would get to, boy, I wish I knew geography better. Uh, what is just west of here? New Jersey. New Jersey's west. Yeah. Okay. I had it. New Jersey's like, well, it depends on where in Jersey.

You're kind of going like south. Yeah. See, I had a little, you can catch a on where in Jersey. You kind of get on like south. Yeah, see, I was thinking south. You can catch a little bit of Jersey in the west. Oh, Nick, you are giving me far too much credit, friend. I wasn't thinking statewide. I was thinking, what's the next county? John was thinking like the West Side Highway. The frying pan.

John would make it to the frying pan and tap out. And also, despite all that, I still can't really tell what's west of here. I guess it is Jersey. I guess it is Jersey. See, like, Long Island? Like, Long Island's in line with Manhattan. So that little tip of New Jersey can be west of New York. Okay, so yeah, I'd probably hate Jersey.

And then call it a day. And then, yeah. And then turn around. This is nice. Imagine having the oxen turn around, like, never mind. Oh,. And then turn around. This is nice. Imagine having the oxen turn around. Never mind. Oh, I wouldn't turn around. That's where I'd stay.

So that was my point. So the reason I bring this up is because me, Clem, Kate, and Frank, the tank, we were a part of MRAGs' first ever – is that what it is? MRAGs, by the way? That's how I say it Not M-Rags Jason Mraz M-Rags doesn't even flow out of the tongue either

It's kind of crazy M-Rags The M is actually silent It's just Rags He had never played Oregon Trail Oregon Trail I say the Oregon Trail But I would never say Oregon I would never say If I thing, by the way. I say the Oregon Trail, but I would never say Oregon.

I would never say the state. If I was talking about the state, I say Oregon. But when I'm talking about the game, I say the Oregon Trail. I would never say the Oregon Trail. I think I might be with you. Yeah. I think most people are. No.

I'm pretty sure I'm okay with saying the Oregon Trail. Can I add another little twist to it? If you put the in front of it for some reason, what else are you ever saying? The Oregon? But not Oregon. But if I was talking about the University of Oregon, I'd say that. University of Oregon. I'd say the Oregon football team. But if I was saying who you're playing today, Oregon, I would say Oregon.

Yeah, I think you're right. But if you're describing a thing, would you say the Oregon duck or the Oregon duck? Oregon duck. Yeah, probably. So it's like if you're describing a thing or something about oregon you say oregon it's oregon i actually think i know what i think i just say oregon period like like salem is the capital of oregon oregon i i honestly don't know i think i say oregon there this word means nothing to me that state that word means as much as that state. For the past two weeks, I've been getting made fun of

because I say Oregon. Yeah? I think I would probably be funny a little bit, but I would... The Oregon Trail is for sure. There's no way for us to get this answer because it's impossible. In a future episode, someone will surprise us and say... Well, you have to watch me for the next two weeks

and catch me saying the word Oregon or Oregon. Yeah, you can't even ask me because that'll be like you're doing something. Right. Yeah, it's got to be natural. I won't naturally mention Oregon. Ever again. For another 20 plus years. So Mrags has never played, though.

So he's a Mr. Cutting Edge, everything gaming, but never played Oregon Trail because it's 40 years old at this point. So we were playing and we were all a team. Kate died right away. She drowned in three feet of water like a pussy. But I broke my arm. Clem broke his leg, vice versa, and we made it. But we were going about it, and at one point we're in Colorado, and I was like, why didn't motherfuckers just be like, we're close enough?

I mean, I guess it was the gold. The gold was all the way at the end. But I think after like, you know. I think a good amount of people decided they were close enough. To stop and just be like, we're doing it here. It's basically everyone who lives in the Midwest. Yeah, right. They just, we're good.

They had ancestors who got bored. Yeah, like if you died between Colorado and Oregon. Imagine just stopping and just like willingly going to Kansas. No. No, no. You just kind of stopped. Oh, oh, oh. Let me just detour real quick.

The people of Missouri are mad at me. When I was doing, I did one minute man on Aaron from the office being in the KKK, and I was saying how her family is old money, and she has, like, deep south money, and they were like, we're not in the south. Like, motherfucker, you're racist, and you have, like, shit going on. You're in the south. You know what I mean? Missouri're not in the South. Like, motherfucker, you're racist and you have, like, shit going on. You're in the South. You know what I mean? Missouri's not in the South?

I guess it's kind of like in the middle, but, like, you're in the fucking South. They were like, someone get this man a map. And I was like, somebody get these motherfuckers common sense. It's the South. If it's a story about being rich and old, debutantes and racist, it's the South. Missouri. I mean, there are some times. I mean, if you're not New England, you're in the South. I mean, it's definitively not. It's in the middle., it's the South. Missouri. I mean, there are some times. I mean, if you're not New England, you're the South.

I mean, it's definitively not. It's in the middle. It's in the SEC. It's in the SEC? Yeah. There you go. Southeastern Conference. But if you look at the map, it's very much in the middle.

Would you say that Kansas is in the South? Yep. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't say that. You really would? Yeah. If you asked me if Kansas is in the Southern State, I'd say hell yeah. Would you say.

Can you get up a map that has other things that we can read? Yeah. Let's just decide Southern States. List me states. I'll decide if it's in the South or not. Would you call Arkansas in the South? Yes. Agreed.

Would you call Illinois in the South? No. It's touching Missouri. Like 90% of Missouri Touches Illinois South has nothing to do I agree With

Geolocation Would you say Kentucky is in The south Yes definitely It's like That touches Missouri Like they're pretty

Where's the Mason-Dixon line Right there North of North of all these places If you're below the Mason-Dixon You're in the south Okay Kentucky is above the Mason-Dixon line Well, fuck it, never mind, forget what I just said, cut it out

It's not Maryland's the Mason-Dixon line, Maryland's like the last southern state So it wiggles then Wait, Nick, did you just do that Like, you thought that was it, or you were guessing? No, I mean, it's fucking I was pretty sure of that The Virginia is separated for it, right?

That's why West Virginia became a thing because they broke off to be in the north. So it kind of goes up a little bit there. Am I right on that? Virginia was a Confederate state. But why – so I knew Virginia was a Confederate state, but I thought – Maryland, West Virginia, Kentucky were all foreign states. So, okay. No, yeah, okay.

Kentucky and Tennessee are definitely both south of the United States. Okay, let's keep going. That black line is... Let's just piss off every state. Would you say that Louisiana is in the south? Definitely. Would you say that Indiana is in the south? Yep.

Would you say that North Carolina is in the south? You almost threw me off by saying North. Yeah. Virginia's in the South. Definitely. West Virginia's in the South? Yes. Delaware's in the South.

No. Kansas is in the South. Delaware's not anywhere. It's too irrelevant. I don't know anything about Delaware. That's one of those states that maybe doesn't exist. I know their college bird is like a chickadee. Their college mascot, the Delaware chickadee.

The hen. The hen. The blue hen. You're both fucking losers. You're right. I'm going to put you this one. This one right here. Blender.

Oklahoma. South. Yeah, south. But it's really. Big time south. Blender touches Texas. Yeah, but. Butcher's knife.

I guess it's almost more like. Yeah, butcher's knife. It does. Yeah, that's how I know like Butcher's Knife. It does. Yeah. That's how I know what Oklahoma is. Oklahoma. Oklahoma. Baker Mayfield and a Butcher's Knife.

Oh, then I got nothing. I feel like there's a difference between Texas and Oklahoma and the South, though. You know what I mean? I feel like that's like Cowboy South. And then there's like Racist South. You know? Yeah. Don't get me wrong.

There's Racist everywhere. But when I think of like the South over there, it's like Cowboys and Oklahoma's like football and farms and shit. And I think in the South, it's like the Confederate States. Yeah, I think Texas. Like, was Oklahoma in the Confederacy? Probably, right? If it existed.

Yeah, it might not have existed by then. Yeah. It wasn't a ratified state. It wasn't. Tennessee. They would have been, though. They wish they were around. Everyone in Oklahoma's like, I would have loved to be on that team. Guys, we would have totally been here. If we were around,essee they would have been though they wish they were around for sure everyone in oklahoma i would have loved you guys we would have totally been here if we were

around i totally would have played for you i swear to god uh is ohio in the south now is parts of it yes that's what i mean right you can get some people from ohio that are southern man uh yeah i mean the rest of them are all very clearly south. Mississippi, Georgia, all those. But so, Kansas? Kansas is south. Missouri. But you can be south and midwest. So Kansas is both. Right, okay. It's a little hybrid.

Kansas is south. Missouri. Missouri south. Illinois. No, north. Indiana. Based on, like, that's fucking, Illinois is fucking LeBron in, like, 07. Like, Chicago is just carrying Illinois to the North. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're like, look, we got you here.

The rest of you suck. Well, I got you up here. Agreed. I mean, New York is kind of the same way, but there's, like, Buffalo and some other states that you kind of know. Like, I don't know a fucking thing about Illinois other than Illinois, right? Yeahinois right yeah other than chicago right yeah i couldn't even tell you another city sometimes i get nervous that it's actually in indiana like chicago indiana i don't know another fucking city in illinois i don't think wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute no we have don't you give me a hint or anything another city in the state state of... Starkville. But that's because that's where the fucking college is.

Starkville, Illinois. Right? That's where University of Illinois is? Okay. Champaign, Illinois. Champaign? What's in Starkville? Nothing.

Mississippi State. Mississippi State. Okay. That's just because it's Dion and them, right? No. No, that's Jacksonville. No, but I'm saying I feel like I've heard Starkville. Starkville, that's where Mississippi...

That's Brandon Walker. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, I knew what you were saying. So I was... So, all right. I'm going to throw out Champaign, though. Oh, okay. Yeah, I knew what that means. So, all right. I'm going to throw out Champagne, though. You were way off. Illinois might be in the South. Starkville, Illinois.

I knew Champagne because I had a good friend who went to the University of Illinois. I'm going to throw that out. I think it's Urbana Champagne. What? I think it's Urbana Champagne. Other way around. Champagne, Urbana. What does that mean? Champagne, Urbana Champagne. Other way around. Champagne, Urbana. What does that mean?

Champagne, Urbana, Illinois? University of Illinois. Kind of like being like Brooklyn, New York. It's on two cities. There's also another college there that they go by Bloomington Normal because it's in Bloomington. Oh, I was going to say Bloomington. I knew that one too. But that's in a different state as well. I'm going to get one more. Springfield, Illinois?

That's the best capital. Oh, I guess I should have guessed Springfield because fucking – that's why the Simpsons are in Springfield. It's in every state. Fall Out Boy is also from there. Fall Out Boy is from Springfield. Oh, god damn it. I apologize to my god.

Springfield, Chicago. But see, I didn't – Fall Out Boy is from right next to me. I couldn't get Bloomington and I couldn't – Fall Out Boy is from right next to me. I went to prom with Pete Wentz's cousin. Whoa! Nikki Flexes. Yeah. It was fine. I don't think with Pete Wentz's cousin. Whoa! Nikki flexes!

It was fine. I don't think... I'm a little concerned, though. I didn't get any of those. I didn't know Springfield. I didn't know Bloomington. I don't think... And I'm throwing out champagne just because of my one friend. I don't think I could tell you another city in Illinois. Something Illinois. Like, da-da-da-da, Illinois.

Like, where's... Isn't Obama from there? Like, somewhere in Illinois. Chicago. da-da-da, Illinois. Like, where's, isn't Obama from there? Like, somewhere in Illinois. Chicago. Southside Chicago. Illinois. Blah-ba-dee-blah, Illinois. He came from... I got nothing. I've stopped trying.

I respect your continued effort, but I'm in New Jersey. Man. Well, whether you live in Joliet. That one stick out or not? It does. I would have said Joliet, Montana. I actually like this game. Throw out cities.

I'll tell you what state they're in. John gives the states. It's brought to you by SimpliSafe. Whether you live in the north or the south, you got to get SimpliSafe to make sure that your home stays safe. All your belongings, like we said, your bed and your phone. That's it, right? But anybody else who has some artwork or some precious valuables, on this week's episode, I told you about my safe, right?

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And every time John leaves the bathroom, we know he already pisses in his pants. That's been going on forever. There's always a little bit of dribble. Because I don't know, he just puts his dick back in too early. Yeah. Right? Bro, I fucking get dressed wet.

I know. Water's different than piss. Before I put it away? Kinda. I got things to do, brother. I feel like you put it in midstream. Sometimes I'll just forget. I'll be like, you pinch and pull.

You know what I'm talking about, right? Yeah. You play games. You hold it. I know what you're talking about, Fife. Yeah, Jackie knew. Jackie knew Jackie knew I don't play the game

Cause I don't find that That does not feel good to me Yeah I know Yeah And I'm afraid that one day It's gonna go backwards That would be hilarious I don't think it would be

You should start pooping pee What you don't understand How the fucking No yeah The bladder and the Poop's connected Yeah of course You send it works. Yeah, of course. Duh.

You send it back with enough force and it comes right out of your butt. It does like a hot wheel. Psss-kaw-boom. Psss-kaw-boom. Great sound effects. That's some ASMR. If you're listening at home,

you got your headphones on, psss-kaw-boom. But yeah, he then... So we know he pisses in his pants. And now, over the last, what, like year, maybe six months? Yeah, it's been going on for a while. He never puts up his fly. I remember sometimes.

I just regularly forget. Nat, I Googled it. It's the first sign of dementia. This can't be the first one. One of the early signs of early onset dementia. Fucking, don't blame me, Google it. I don't want to. Because if you Google it, then it's true.

Because I'll be honest. It was listed as like – the list was like early signs are like everyday tasks and things that like you blah, blah, blah. And then like parentheses. And it said like forgetting to zip your fly. Nah, made it up. I don't think so. Because it is concerning because it is not, like, that's not the – this isn't the first time I thought maybe –

I did make it up. You're good. Huh? I did make it up. Okay. But it should be. But it should be. I thought, like, I might be losing my mind.

Yeah. Okay. I think I'm going gonna save you here how often 90 of the time right you are on your phone when you're peeing right uh pretty real yeah so you're just distracted by the i'm just like if you if you didn't have your phone you would be doing like you would be looking at your dick you'd be holding your dick you would be Do you ever do the old man hands on your hip? Oh, all the time, yeah. But what do you do on your phone?

Well, I mean, if I'm not on my phone, I don't have to do that. If you don't have your phone, you're doing the old man hips? If I... Sometimes I forget to leave my phone on my desk, I'm just going to stand there. Yeah. Because then I think... Kind of just what's up the wall. I think if you weren't holding a phone...

Just talking to my buddy, the wall. I think if you weren't holding it and or engaged, like you're reading a tweet, like, oh, my God, that's interesting. And then you just walk away. But I still think it's – I'm just trying to help you out here. Yeah. Because I think it's weird. It's very weird. But it is like I forget things all the time.

You're fully forgetting or are you like zipping and it's kind of like you don't get it all the way up and it falls down sort of thing? Full forget. Yeah. That really might be – maybe it's not listed, but it should be. I was talking with Dante When Dante was here last week And he texted me Monday night

And he's like Yo remember We're drinking tomorrow And I was like What are you talking about And he's like Bro I told you Friday I'm gonna be in town

Well you were drunk No it was just like It was like Friday I went back and looked at the text It was like Friday at noon It was like Oh I guess I guess you're right

I just like I don't know I don't pay attention to things I don't think I'm forgetting I think I'm never listening Or learning or doing That's a great That's a great like argument Against your girlfriend You know what I don't think I'm forgetting. I think I'm never listening or learning or doing. That's a great argument against your girlfriend. You know what I mean?

If she's like, I'm not forgetting. I'm just never listening. Just not paying attention. Yeah, yeah. I thought I forgot. I just don't ever care about what I'm saying to you. Pick which one's worse. I don't know.

I got one of them. Pick your poison. Yeah. You should probably figure that out, though. Yeah. I'll get there You know what's one of the funnier things in the world that like still exists And I think they're on their way out They're definitely on their way out

And I don't think they're going to last like too much longer Is like the troughs at Wrigley The pea troughs Why? I love a good piss trough Yeah I mean like But I mean first of all I don't And second of all

I think it's weird that we're just all, like, pissing in a fucking trough with our dicks out and stuff. Like, I think that society has, like, gone. Kevin's not for the boys. Yeah, yeah, right. I mean, look, I'm not down for a swim. But, I mean, that's a thing they do. The sliding of the troughs.

Right? Yeah, it's like a Wrigley tradition. I'm not trying to do that, but I'll rip a piss in it. The trough, the sliding is disgusting. Yeah, it's horrifying. I just feel like we have been going the other direction where, like, bars and bathrooms, bathrooms and bars now have, like, wall to ceiling. Where am I?

I'm losing my mind now. Yes, floor to ceiling, doors, and fully, you know what I mean? That's for drugs. That's for cocaine. That's for the cocaine. That is absolutely That was so much piss. That was so much piss.

And you have the nerve to say to me, what's wrong with this stuff? Because when you have a trough full of piss, this is what comes of it. That was so much piss. I mean, people got, like, you know what that was like in SeaWorld when you're in the splash zone. The other people got hit with the piss, like a big wave from Shamu. You got to pull up your poncho.

You got to pull your poncho up so you don't get the piss in your mouth. That guy, those people got piss in their mouth, no doubt. Those guys got Wrigley Field piss, beer piss in their mouth, John. I'm good. Once we get over the initial wave, I'm good. Let's talk piss for the next 40 minutes. That is disgusting. I think it's got to be very difficult if you're like a 15-year-old boy in Chicago

who's grown up in this era of we don't just let our dicks hang and everything is pretty private, and then you've got to go to the ballgame with your dad and your grandpa I've grown up in this era of we don't just let our dicks hang and everything is pretty private. And then you've got to go to the ballgame with your dad and your grandpa. And it's just like three generations of dicking balls hanging out. It's not normal anymore. I remember seeing videos back in the day of really drunk people. That used to be a thing on the internet.

Drunk people trying to walk. Remember the one guy trying to walk up a hill? Yeah, he's falling backwards. I'm always like, how does someone get that fucked up? And I also wonder how you get so fucked up you jump in a pool of piss. Like, there is... Look, I think I've been the drunkest possible. I don't think I could get any drunker and wake up in the morning than times I've been drunk. Right.

Never even crossed my mind to swim in piss. It's got to be more of a desperation money thing, like a bet, right? Yeah, that's the same kid who used to drink fucking chocolate milk and mashed potatoes. Yes, right, it just escalates. And you know what? You get enough drunk guys. Grab a fucking chicken sandwich in there. Yeah, you get enough guys in the bathroom who are like, I'll throw five on it.

Next thing you know, the pot's like $900, and this kid's like, I need rent for the month. Cannonball! So yeah, some dude's you know, the pot's like $900. And this kid's like, I need rent for the month. Cannonball! Oh, yeah. Some dude's squatting over the end ripping a shit. Here's a tenner. God damn. Are you all right? No.

Go home. You're sick. Go home. It's okay. Don't worry. Oh, leads me to my next problem. Coronavirus did a lot of bad things. Yep.

One of the worst things it did, it just ruined every other sickness. Like, we learned nothing from Corona. I was sick last week. No one cared. No one was like, go home. I was like, I don't feel good. You're either Corona or not. They're like, was it Corona? I'm like last week. No one cares. No one was like, go home. I was like, I don't feel good. Like you're either Corona or not.

They're like, was it Corona? Like, no, no, no. I'm vaccinated. I wasn't fucking stop being a pussy.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's like, I'm stage four cancer. Is this what happened during the AIDS epidemic? They're like, you're either AIDS or not.

What's your T cell count? You're good. Then I don't fucking care about your influenza. By the way, I saw some crazy number that was like we usually get like 30 million cases of the flu. And we got like 4,000. Because it was either like first of all, they probably lumped everything together with Corona. And then two, you probably weren't even going to the doctor. You weren't going out if you just felt like you had the regular flu.

But then three, everyone was just like inside and not spreading it around. But it went from something crazy like tens of millions to like single thousands of the flu this year. Really? Which is like, so it was like, spin zone. If I'm writing a history book, I'm going to be like, you're 2020? The flu was down 98%. Can you believe it? Yeah, I mean, it's Corona or bust.

Corona or bust. Corona did other things too. Corona just fucking ruined depression. Corona ruined it. Absolutely ruined it. What, because everybody's got it now? Everyone's got it. Everyone's fucking got it, Kevin.

I feel so bad. I'm going to turn into fucking Glenny Balls because everyone's got it. It's like, oh, you know what? You know what? I don't miss brunch with my friends. I'm suicidal. There's a difference here between. I've always said that.

The people who are truly depressed, the mental health craze has been going on, right? But the Corona version. Yeah, throw a dollar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dollar. That's got to be infuriating if you're truly suicidal depressed. Bro, I'm quitting therapy. And you've got.

I'm like, listen, I'm all on this trend. I honestly do think I quit therapy. I'm going to put on a pair of fucking seven-inch inseams and quit therapy. Sorry, I like to be different you know what kate said to me uh she said do you know who would be really great uh for the oregon trail the way he dresses final person what does that even mean oh she thinks you would fit right in on the trail with the way you dress she was like you would put on a hat you would fit right in on the trail with the way you dress. She was like, you would put on a hat. You would have like a jacket. I was like, you're just naming clothing items.

And I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. He would have these shoes there. That would just be great for walking over rocks. Look what they have. They have laces that you can tie them up with. It's a whole thing. We are all over the place. All over the place.

I guess technically let's do an Am I the Asshole? Okay. Well, hang on. Let's just run through a few things real quick. Okay. Bring it on back. One. Uh, I forgot to mention it. And then when you were in your bathroom giggling and stuff.

I don't know, because I could hear you giggling. Uh, I thought you were taking a video. So I just want to say something real quick. I have heard Kevin's dick crack. It is – it sounds exactly what you sound like. That didn't happen right now. No, no, no. I thought you were doing –

You have to clear that up. When you were giggling, I thought you were filming it. I thought you were doing it again. You think I just went to – you think I had a fucking hard dick and went to the bathroom right now and peed with it? I don't know, man. That story was told inappropriately. That very much sounded like I just did it right now, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was peeing

and I was listening to an audio message, so I chuckled about it, and then Feidelberg made it sound like I was filming my dick crack. I I don't think I wanted this on the air. No, no, no. I mean, I'm very fine with it, but I was like –

So I filmed my dick audio. I just – yeah, this is bad. This one's bad. A long time ago, like when we first started talking about this. And so I've had that in the holster, and it's been in my camera roll as just a black – because I didn't film the – I didn't video it. I covered up – I just put the camera down so you could hear it. And I filmed it like – what was that, a month ago maybe?

I don't know when it was. I know I got it the other day. Right, right. So when we first started talking about it, so I've had it in my camera roll as just a little black box. So I knew it was that one. And I texted Fights over the weekend being like, just by the way, I filmed – I recorded the – You kept telling me you had fights over the weekend being like, you know, just by the way, like I filmed. I recorded. You kept telling me you had it.

I could be like, send it. You fucking pussy. Yeah. And you're like, I don't know if I'm ready to send you a dick video. And I was like, stop being a bitch. Send that dick. When I filmed it, I was like ready to like I was like, yeah, it'll be funny. And then I was like, moment of truth.

Am I really going to like, again, not the video but am i gonna text sex twiddleberg anything about my dick and so it's just been sitting there and then i brought it up because i thought it was funny that it's just been sitting there i would see it i'd go like to post one minute man i'd go to like oh let me find this picture of this and every time i'd scroll by that little black box and i was like but i didn't delete it for a reason so there had to be something there and then finalberg called me a pussy enough i was like oh you think i'm a pussy i'm gonna send you my cracking dick then you i'll show you pussy here's my dick and uh yeah your your reaction did not uh disappoint as i understand it i mean i put in headphones because i was at a bar when you said you really got the vibe so i put in headphones

here and i got it was a pretty empty. And I got up and sprinted away going, whoa! Here, I'll play the audio for you guys. Yeah, I mean, let me see. I got a good one on deck here, I think. That's exactly what it sounds like. I felt it in my ears. Oh, oh, oh. It was – yeah. I mean, it's – I told you guys.

It's a crack dick Your dick crack I was gonna say Should we play it But I was like that sound did enough That thumb crack was the Just pretend that was my dick That's the sound

It's great You telling me you're not a little jealous I wouldn't say think about that feeling feeling that you get in your fingers it feels good yeah but here's the thing i gotta do it all the time with my fingers well your dick can only do it you know can we do it so much that's what i'm saying if i could crack my dick at all times that would probably be a problem that i'd probably be injured it's you know only every now and then that it's even possible so then it's kind of a special thing you know know? It's great.

I was happy. I was happy. A part of me was like, I hope this doesn't disappoint. And then the fact that you were like, I just got up and ran around the bar. I was like, yeah! I got a good dick crack.

Like, imagine how that would have been the weirdest thing of all if you were like, eh, bro. Lame dick crack. Lame cock crack, bro. lame got crack bro this is the weirdest show we've ever done talking about jerking each other off yeah it's a great one it's an absolute great one i just want i i mean oh so i was kind of not vindicated because it wasn't like uh i don't think you guys ever said i was like lying

but when i talked about my dick crack, there was enough crackers. We're taking that word back. Crackers unite. We're not crackers. We're crackers. We are those who crack. So there was enough guys being like, me too, and I was like, yes, we are not alone. Also, also.

Hashtag me too. Oh, also. Hashtag me too. Oh, no. A lot of buzzwords there. Also, I'm completely cleared. Tons of social media feedback. A lot of people have defeated sex fight on their recommended for them on Pornhub. So it is like a campaign that Pornhub is pushing or like defeated sex fight like paid money to be you probably got you probably pay money for that right put me on the front page

pretty penny yeah it's like being on new music friday yeah on the recommended for you defeated sex fight and i loved my favorite thing of all was this one guy so a lot of people like dude don't worry like me too or me also or as well uh but um one guy one guy called it best because i had i gotta watch it i have not watched it yet but i it always catches my eye and i see like a thumbnail here and there and uh this guy said a lot of fight porn in my recommended for sure the weirdest ones are the male female ones because it's a no contest to begin with. And I was thinking there is a part of me that was like, yeah, he would dominate. He went on to say he gets worried about the guys getting hit in the balls. But I find myself just worrying about the dudes who get hit in the balls in this fight.

But yeah, I was thinking I like my porn to be a little bit realistic. And if it was a sex fight between a man and a woman, he would absolutely dominate you. You would just get knocked the fuck out, naked lady. Bullshit. At least the lesbians is a sex fight between a man and a woman He would absolutely dominate you You would just get knocked the fuck out naked lady Bullshit At least the lesbians is a fair fight If you were in a fight with If you were in a fight If you were in a fight with a chick

And you know you obviously can't just like Unload on her would you titty twist Yeah I'll go purple nipple right away Say uncle I mean if I was in a sex fight on her, would you titty twist? Yeah, I'll go purple nipple right away. Say uncle! I mean, if I was in a sex fight, if I was in a paid sex fight... Okay, what if you're in a regular... If you're in a bar fight with a girl? You do the bear hug, right?

Yeah, like who am I... If she's like a chick from John Wick, I'm probably going to have to fight or she'll kill me. Right, no, she's not John Wick, but let's just say she's like kind of a tough chick, but like she's drunk, so she's not going to settle down. And you're in some sort of sanctioned fight. Some sort of actual squared-up fight.

A sanctioned fight with a woman? Yes. You're in the bar. What bar am I in? In Bolivia? Yes. You're in a Bolivian bar, and you bump into her. She bumps into you, and there's some

words exchanged. She's a little belligerent. Changes into a ref's outfit real quick. And the bartender's like, in Bolivia, this is how we handle things. Fight! I also meant, Bolivia's definitely a South American country. I was trying to say- Oh, yeah, I was thinking Russia.

Yeah, I wanted to say- Bratislava. Bratislava, sure. Bratislava, because this is how we handle, you fight! And you're like, I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of this girl so but like I can't do that but she's coming at me I think that's the move nah because you can't go you can't if you're in a real fucking rumble with a girl I mean then you just you gotta get your hands up you gotta keep your hands up so we just go with it but I don't know you if you if you listen if I'm ready to fight you and you somehow get in and put the clamps on,

I'm not punching in the face. I'm like trying to get your hands off me. Mike Tyson says everyone's got a plan to get punched in the mouth. Everyone's got to plan until they get their nipples pinched. And then it's like you're in defense mode. You're on the defensive right there. I feel like you could titty-twist a girl into submission. She's like, never mind.

I'm sorry. You're right. I'm sorry. No, you couldn't. You definitely couldn't. Because then brah. They weren't protected. They's like, never mind. I'm sorry. You're right. I'm sorry. No, you couldn't. You definitely couldn't. Because then bra. They weren't protected. They were like fucking Barry Bonds at the plate.

That's true. They got that. I'll lean over. I'll give you my bed. You're not even going to get there. My nipples are vulnerable. Hers are absolutely. Victoria's protected them.

She's got pads. She maybe has chicken cutlet things in there. She's got all sorts of protection. So, all right. then you go bear hug? I can barely get to a woman's nipples during sex, let alone a fight. How about this? I had this thought the other day. Have you ever – I'm not even going to say it like this.

She's trying to fucking just jersey a girl with her bra. She's going to get her nipples out. Pull it up and over. You're getting dummied by your bra have you ever uh put on a bra right no i don't think i think that's something that you could say that like 99 of guys would be like i've taken them off but i've never put them up yeah i mean i'd be able to do it it would have to be big enough well you what girls usually do they do it in the front and they twirl it right you can't put it on back right no i mean that'd be able to do it, but it would have to be big enough. Well, what girls usually do, they do it in the front and they twirl it, right? You can't put it on back.

Right, no. I mean, that'd be crazy. I guess I can't get my hands back. I mean, you could. You could do it, but it would be a lot harder. It doesn't make any sense. It's very normal. You do it in the back?

You do it in the back, yeah. Oh, I've always seen girls flip and spin around. Is that like an old young thing? I mean, if you... Are girls your age putting them on backward, like in the back? Yeah. I could get there. I don't know.

I see the front more often than the back. Me too. I also don't see it very often, but... The front and twist. The front and spin. The front and spin. The front and spin is the move. Who doesn't know the front and spin?

Yeah. I don't know why that popped into my head. I was just thinking, like, I can take these things off, but... I mean, yeah, I can't crack the case. But it's a weird thing. I never put them on. Am I the asshole? Sure.

One more thing. One more thing, John. Go ahead. Speaking of sex, I read an article, well, not read an article, saw a Barstool Sports blog post the other day about this woman who's an investigative journalist. And she went to an orgy of sorts and interviewed people while they were fucking her. Let's normalize this. I think this is a fantastic idea.

I think conversations during sex should be far more common than what they are. I am so pro conversations during sex. Like about anything? About absolutely anything. I think that it makes it less serious, which is really a plus for me in everything. I think that's a very important thing. I think it makes you last longer.

Yeah. And I think it just prolongs the experience. And I think you're probably going to have more fun if it's like, you know what? Let's just fucking have a chat. You know what? Pop over. Yeah. Anyway, how was the day?

Look at the show. I don't know if I want to marry stop finale. Maybe we leave the black lung cough. Maybe we leave the coal miner part at home. But I'm with you you the best sex i've ever had has been like you're just kind of in and out you're just like talking chatting it starts off maybe with some dirty talk and then you have a funny moment and the next thing you know you're like remember that time i i would say i would like to keep it somewhat sexually sexually based

yeah i don't i don't because you know what I don't want to talk to you. You fucking dirty talk one time. It's not even dirty talk. I'm constricting the rules. We're only allowed to talk about the weather. It's all small talk. I don't want to have whether I'm inside you or not. I think it's a time to have small talk.

The only time it's bearable? Yeah, it's like, oh, alright, sure. How was your day? My day was fine. How was your day? Actually, what we should do. you know what you should do? Since girls want to tell you about their work day, you should institute a rule. You can only complain to me about work while we're fucking. And then it's going to last long. That is so Jasmine.

She's going to take her time. It's going to last a really long time. It's going to be like she's going to be like, let's go again because I've got to tell you more about Debra. I think if you made the rule, you could only depend on what works. We'd be like, what? Save Debra for another time because we're not doing it tonight. That would be funny. Imagine that scene.

You've got to write that sketch. She's getting to the big thing. And then the PowerPoint presentation came. And she said, and you're like, sorry, no more. I came. You can't tell me about the PowerPoint presentation. You can tell me about the conference room next time. We're fucking sorry.

I think it's – I would just like – I would do it for hours. I could have sex for hours if we could just – we were talking during it. Just as steady. Take a little break and just kind of chill. I don't have to fucking come every time. Whatever. Just wrestle, man. I'm basically just...

I just miss wrestling. You know what? You need YP back. You just need a good old romp with YP. Is there someone who just wants to wrestle? Can we not do Am I the Asshole? Are we there yet? Yeah.

Yeah. We'll just do a couple quick oneshole? Are we there yet? Yeah. Yeah. We'll just do a couple quick ones because this is obviously a very long podcast. The Mets are just killing me, man. Top of the second, they're down 5-4. You put up four in the first half, in the first inning, and then you come back and you just hand them five. That's brutal. You get four off Baumgartner,

and you can't make it hold up in the first goddamn inning? God. Okay. Am I the asshole? We had a bunch, but I'm going to have to, like I said, abbreviate it here and sift through them. Because today's Am I the Asshole is brought to you by Bare Bottom Clothing. The most comfortable clothing in the game. The softest t-shirts.

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this sounds a lot like you you fuck am i the asshole for refusing to be my friend's baby's godfather after I was given a legally binding contract to sign with requirements attached? And as I read the whole title, I think this is something that all of us would do. But let's get into it. My friend was thrilled that I said yes to being the godfather. I'm cutting through here because there's a lot of details that I really guarantee don't matter. The next day, he dropped off an envelope with some papers in it. After he left, I looked at the envelope.

It was a legal contract that needed to be signed in order to be the godfather. Obviously, I thought this was a bit overboard, but I read it anyways. It has many things I must do as the godfather. Obviously, I thought this was a bit overboard, but I read it anyways. It has many things I must do as the godfather, such as I must go to every Catholic event in which Jane attends, such as christening, confession, confirmation, which I know are normal events for a Catholic child's life, not a big deal. Then we get into the ridiculous things. I have to consider, quote, becoming Catholic.

I must give a gift. Considered. No. Yeah, becoming Catholic. I must give a gift. Considered. No. Yeah, try it. Don't like it. I must give a gift of at least $500 for all these events. On birthdays and Christmas, I must give $250, and it must be cash only. Oh, no, no, sir.

It gets worse i am expected to save over jane's 18 years 25 000 set it aside for jane's future college tuition her parents will provide the rest the list goes on to include various things such as being willing to cancel any plans i have if they need me to watch jane or if they go on vacation. Many of the other things on the list were silly or not a big deal. Like I have to spend time with her once a week. I called my friend. I said, there's nothing personal, but there's no fucking way I'm doing this.

I paraphrase that. That's what I'm saying. He got mad and said the only family, they're the only family. I'm the only family he's got and I should be thankful and honored. Oh, wait, no. He said, I am the only family he's got. So he's like, fuck you. You don't even have family, so you should sign this.

I give her $100 a year in her country. That's a ton of money in her country. What's going on here? How are you supposed to spend a week, times one every week in a different country? Yeah. Oh, no. So he says, he brought up that I send, sorry. He brought up that he knows I am a godfather to a niece and I send her money, which I do. I send her $100 a year, so it's in a different country.

He essentially told me I'm not – he thought I was a good guy, but apparently not. I'm selfish. He blocked my number and my email. He's basically broken up. He ended things. Since he ended things, I shredded the papers he gave me, left them in a bag, put them in a mailbox for him. I like that move with me telling him that it was a shame that he ruined our friendship. Lastly, I will note that together,

this couple makes over $200,000 a year. My wife and I make not even $35,000 a year. Brother, if you and your wife don't make $35,000, why are these people even asking you to be a godfather? I mean, this is – I thought there was maybe going to be some gray area or something. I have many questions here. First of all, how does someone like this – like how do they quietly live in your life for so long? Yeah, like this guy is not much of an asshole. How are you surprised by this? Like you should be like,

oh, my dickhead friends. That's a classic Richie move. Yeah. Well, maybe it is. Well, or, you know, it could be the wife. Like, the mom is the one. But, like, that,

I don't, look, I know you're gonna be like, you don't know what it's like in a relationship like that. I would be like, listen here, you insane person. No, yeah, I would. We're not doing a fucking contract

for my friend. Like, I'm, but also, maybe this is a bit on him for, I don't know, being, living his whole life like someone who might fulfill these responsibilities. I'm a godfather. When I didn't attend the baptism, they were like, yeah, we didn't think you were going to come.

Wait, wait. Wait. Wait. You didn't do the baptism? No. I couldn't make it. That's when you do the godfather thing. I had a surrogate go for me.

Then that's the godfather. Then he is the godfather. It was a work obligation, Kevin. I was actually out of country. I literally was. You're not the godfather it was i i had a work obligation kevin i was actually out of country um i literally were you're not the godfather they were like they were like that's a cool ass couple yeah we didn't think you were gonna come yeah they were like you gotta come up to like meet the pastor i was like i'm in new york like i'm probably gonna do that that's that's okay that's fine though and then but then to not be there and then they are shocked every time i get him a present yeah they're like like the bar is so they're like

you have like stop spending money on them well you know what's funny i mean my god also by the way if for anyone who is like has to buy presents for a kid just get him the same fucking present every time it's unbelievable i just have like a thing i just get him like i get him sneakers i just give him cool sneakers oh yeah yeah okay and it's just like oh he's got they're different sneakers yeah different sneakers which is like i don't i don't know i thought at first i was like just get him like the the star wars legos every time i just go on like stock x i'm like all right i'll get a baby jordan's here you go yeah that's cool i like that i also think it's cool if you can get something i don't have an example of this but it just popped into my head if you can get something. I don't have an example of this, but it just popped into my head.

If you can get something that grows on it, you know what I mean? Like you get a gift and then like here's the expansion pack or here's the toy that now you can. It's going to have a crazy sneaker collection. Not going to fit in any of them, but. I am thinking right now, I don't think the godparents to my children have given them like anything ever. Yeah, so your bar is even lower than my friend's. But I didn't even have a bar. I did not – I never once thought of this as like you will now give my kid like an extra gift. Like I didn't think that this was anything other than an informal figurehead, whatever word.

Yeah, formality. What's funny is it's rooted in if I die, you have to take care of the baby. And I don't think anybody thinks of that anymore. I think my godparents, I believe, are like, mine is this set of aunt and uncle. So, like, theoretically, I could go, like, live with them. But, like, my kids are, like, split up. I was going to say that. So it's like.

My family is split up. Because what you're doing is throwing, like, this person a bone. Like, we love you and we want you to feel special. It's all about. I honestly think picking the godparents is about making the godparents feel special. For sure. You know? Any kind of deal.

Yeah, definitely. As long as you don't get this fucking contract. Well, what I don't like, I have a real problem with people. I think I've caught you do this a couple times. I don't like when people say, like, my goddaughter. I have said it because it's not – I think it's different. Like, he's not my niece or my nephew. Right, okay.

So it's like it's my friend's kid. So it's like – Fair. My friend's kid is weird. Fair. But then – If it was my niece or nephew, I would definitely just say niece or nephew. Niece or nephew.

If it's – but then like when you're talking – like I guess it's like this kid would come up so rarely in conversation. It wouldn't be a thing. Yeah. I mean I've talked about him once, twice. Yeah, yeah. So I get – but to me it would be like – I would be like I got to go to my friend's party. Like his kid is turning like one, and I'd be like, you got to go to your friend's kid's birthday party? He's my godson.

Yeah, yeah. So we're just skipping the sentence. Yeah, I just don't like the people leading. I used to go to college with a kid who like talked about his goddaughter ad nauseum. Be like – he'd be like, I got to go see my goddaughter. She's so cute. I got to get a present for my goddaughter ad nauseum be like you know you'd be like i gotta go see my goddaughter like she's so cute i gotta get a present for my goddaughter and i was like bro you're just talking about like this eight-year-old girl that you go see a lot like it's fucking weird like that's just someone else's kid that you hang out with and you call her your goddaughter i'm the godfather legally

obligated once a week yeah yeah maybe he signed the contract here um i do i do think there's something at play here because the added info was like – because I think a lot of people started to say what I just said. Maybe the wife did it. And this person says, many people that come from her country tend to be married to, let's say, wealthier men here. Let's say wealthier men? Yeah. Instead of what?

Well, I think what was the other phrase i think he was trying to be like yeah polite like you're basically saying that they're like sugar sugar daddies oh i think so they tend to live lavish and spend a lot on their kids so i don't know there's some sort of weird country happening here i think that but like either way um you know fuck off like do not i i think i just remember being like like my my friend had to go to the parish like sign some paperwork and stuff and i was like i am so sorry that this is even inconveniencing you for one second this dumb archaic tradition that's it's like when we started the thing talk about with the guy who jumped out the window like

the whole thing like oh now i have chores it's I have chores. It's a thing, yeah. It's just an issue now. Yeah, that's trash. Me and my godfather, even like our whole lives, and it's my first time ever calling him my godfather. Yeah, right. See, it's weird. It's weird. Yeah.

And like my whole life and still to this day is how it is. Like he gets me a present for Christmas. Well, you mean my uncle gets me a present no matter what. But I get him a present. And we always kind of meet up a little later in the night on Christmas and have a drink. Just like, do you like what I got you? And I'm like,

yeah, do you like what I got you? He's like, yeah. And then we both go, what did I get you? Whatever your wife got it for me. Yeah.

Yeah. We have no idea. For sure. For sure. I like that. Uh, but then it's also like, we just don't have to do this, you know? We can just stop doing this silly, silly tradition. Okay, last one here.

This is actually from Reddit Ships. My roommate, 22, female, wants to raise pigeons in our new apartment. Kind of an odd situation. I, 21-year-old female, found myself in recently. Found myself in recently. It is so hard reading people who can't write. And by the way, it's everyone. No one can write.

Oh, everyone's an idiot. But my roommate and I recently moved into an apartment in the city, and she's been talking about how she wants to, quote, befriend pigeons and care for them in my apartment. At first, I thought she was joking. However, it turns out that she's actually kind of serious about this. We met through a mutual friend, and it hasn't been too long since we've been living together, about a week. I've definitely told her, no, we're not having any pigeons whatsoever.

But she argues that it's humans' fault that pigeons are dependent upon us and that we need to, quote, save them. I've told her that pigeons are dependent on cities but not necessarily day-to-day human care they do perfectly fine outside as it is and realistically the amount of space poop to clean chirps and every other responsibility she'd have to think about when it comes to raising animals uh plus we have to pay extra rent which i'm not willing to do i'm the extra rent i think she's gonna like declare it as a pet because that's what you know 50 bucks a month because of a dog is like usually what they do um i'm not sure if we got through to her and this fantasy of raising a cage of pigeons in a room but it's really frustrating to even have to explain this to someone i've honestly never had this problem before it's baffling that she wants to bring

birds into our apartment uh either way it's been one of the weirdest discussions arguments that uh i've had to have with a roommate um i've been knocking over pretzel bits she's been leaving on the window ledge in order to attempt to lure the pigeons over to our room. But boy, oh boy, is it taking. But it's like talking to a child. I did not sign up for this. Bro, how fucking miserable if you were a pigeon and you had to be Spider-Man in New York City. You get to fly wherever you want and swing around and eat whatever you want, stop all the crime you want. And then some fucking girl just kidnaps you,

puts you in a cage, and this is for your well-being. That's insane. Yeah, I mean, that is one of the worst roommate situations I've ever heard in my life. Do you remember one of my blogs for Barstool New York way back in the day when the pigeon got in my apartment? Vaguely. So I had these two pigeons

that would sit on the ledge. It was when I had that. So my old apartment, I lived on like 72nd or something like that. 72nd, like way up east side, like by... You were on like 72nd, like York, right? You were like all the way east, no? Yeah.

It was by like Ryan's Daughter. Yeah, that's pretty far east. A few blocks from Ryan's Daughter. Yeah, that's like first or almost York. That's way over east. And it was like the weirdest setup. The toilet wasn't in the bathroom. The toilet was in my bedroom in a closet.

Sorry, what was that? The toilet was in my bedroom in a closet. Isn't that just the bathroom? But there wasn't a sink in it. There was no shower. It was just a toilet in a closet. Was there a... There was no sink. There was no sink. There was no nothing.

Usually they call it a half bathroom, but that has a sink. This was just a toilet in a closet. And then it was like... And my bed... My room was so small that I had to jump over my bed to get to the bathroom. But that was the only fucking toilet in the apartment. So, like, my roommate would, like, regularly, like, step on my bed, like, in the morning. But there was a place to shower?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That just didn't have a toilet? No toilet in it. You guys were just peeing in the toilet, right? I peed in the sink all the time, yeah. Well, but the, anyway, the, there were, like, always these two pigeons that just sat on the ledge and would, like, watch you shit and stuff. And, like, I just, like, took pictures of them. I, like, wrote a blog about, like, these fucking pigeons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, leave me alone. And then, like, the next day, like, they read the blog. They fucking came in. Because I left the window open all the time. And they came in and I fucking slammed my bedroom door shut. And they just wreaked havoc. They shit everywhere.

It was like they held in shit. They were like, you've been making us watch you shit for so fucking long. These birds came in, left fucking feathers. Like, they got in there, had a wrestling match, did a couple of big shits. They were like, fuck this guy. We're out of here. It was, like, this isn't all blogging. I take it now.

But you had pictures of the shit. Like, it was. Oh, my God. It was absolute hell. Dude, between the pigeons and the rats in the other apartment, you have had some wildlife issues in your living spaces. Goodness gracious. Jackie, you move in apartments?

Oh, right. Yeah. Sight unseen. No bed. No bed. No furniture no furniture roughly what neighborhood do you know um don't give out the streets just like do you know the neighborhood name uh east village oh okay yeah so you're getting you're going you're going big you're going bougie it's much better well yeah i i have like it's like a shoebox of a room right right right but you know

east village is much better than you were living on. I mean, I saw your Instagram story yesterday, a fucking spiral staircase. Yeah. But, I'll tell you what. It's like, I've already hit my head. Yes.

That's what I was going to say. It's going to be an issue. The single most, this looks fancy, but is so impractical and stupid and like, you don't actually want to have it

is a spiral staircase. Oh, every time I go down a spiral staircase, I'm like, my back's about to break. You know what? I almost want to like when you go down it, I'm like, I'm going to turn around and do this like a fucking ladder.

Like it's easier to go down backwards. It's so steep. And if you're drunk or you have to carry things up that shit, it's like the issue is like we have a fire pole. We have like there's fourth floor and then third floor. And then but then the fourth floor goes straight into one of my roommate's rooms so then it but then she's gonna seal it off so we have to use the staircase which is just a weird setup yep but anyways the staircase is gonna be an issue yeah i mean you guys drunk yeah so you have to use the staircase to get like like you can't just

stumble in for the night and just stay on that first floor you're gonna have to use the staircase to get like you can't just stumble in for the night and just stay on that first floor. You're going to have to go up. No, I have to because my room's up there. She's like, ugh. That's the exact face and motion she's going to do when she has to go up those stairs. I would almost rather have a fucking rope and put my feet

up and climb up a wall that way than do a spiral staircase. I would rather climb up a wall that way than do a spiral staircase i would rather climb up and rappel down than use a spiral staircase like they're just so i just don't it's yeah so you and how many friends three friends so four girls fucking brothel but we've got rid of like the turkish woman and the colombian man and the those guys who were probably murderers and all that kind of stuff. Right.

It was a sad goodbye. Yeah. Was it? The Turkish woman and I, as much as I complained. You guys were boys. We were boys. But yeah, end of an era. And now.

End of like a six month era. Yeah. But now I have to like, I'm just, I'm over being an adult. I don't, I can't. Welcome to the club. I have to get fed. I have to get. Girl, it sucks.

Yeah. It sucks. Guess what? It's all downhill from here. Yeah. It have to get to bed. Girl, it sucks. It sucks. Guess what? It's all downhill from here. It doesn't get better. No, it really doesn't. Just don't. Here's the lesson in life. Don't add responsibility.

That's it. Well, I didn't have a choice. No, no. You're fine. Getting an apartment is not any responsibility. It's not like when you get married, when you have kids, when you do these things that are just like now I have more bills. I have more stress. I have things that like I can't pick my own schedule.

All of that shit is not fun. I was watching that Liam Neeson movie. Doesn't matter. In this movie, the one guy is a dad. It was two cops. One guy's a dad. One guy's not. Is this another Liam Neeson movie. It doesn't matter. In this movie, the one guy is a dad. It was two cops. One guy's a dad. One guy's not. Is this another Liam Neeson movie?

No, no. Same one. Same one. Same one. What? You'd be above that? Watching two Liam Neeson movies in short time? I wouldn't be above it.

I would just be surprised. He goes, he's like, yeah, man. But I'll tell you, once I had a kid, my whole life changed, man, my whole perspective. I thought I loved my wife. I do love my wife, but I love my kids in a way. And the guy goes, yeah, but isn't that just a sales pitch? Isn't that you guys just trying to talk yourself into it? I'm going to be miserable.

I'm going to try and get everyone else to do it. Let's tell it like it is. It's super cute and fun and fulfilling and love and all that but the actual practicality of it is like i can't do what i want to do i can't go where i want to go anymore i can't spend the money on what i want to spend it on all of that shit is tangibly miserable and yeah when they smile one time it erases all that but you know it's not fun so just stay it's like billy madison just stay here we had a conversation one time where i was like like zach was like do you want to get married and i was like i've never thought about that like this is that question like proposed no no

it's like we got a bigger story on our hands he was real drunk that night. I did phrase it like that. Do you plan on getting married? And then I was like, I've never thought about that. Like, nobody's asked me that. And then you,

and then like, I was telling you and you like, single handedly talking about marriage. And I don't think I want to. I don't remember that conversation, but it sounds about right. Sounds about right. But yeah, that's gonna be a fun apartment. Good stuff. So anyway, you can yeah, that's going to be a fun apartment.

Good stuff. So anyway, you can't race, but I just did your fucking apartment. I mean, that's one of the more ridiculous things I've ever heard. That was a pretty quick one. Yeah, there's just no... Pitt is going to be miserable. You're going to be miserable. Waking up to coos might sound nice, though.

Yeah. How about that morning dove? Did you know that? Kelly Keese talked about that on... I'm not a good cooler. Did you know those birds that go... How do they do it? They go...

I can't do it. But they have the same cadence. I'm not doing it good enough, but they have the same beat every time, and it's called a morning dove. I thought it was like a fucking owl or some shit because they were kind of hooting, but you would know it if you fucking heard it. I don't think I know about morning doves at all.

It was on Lowering the Bar. It was like, what's your favorite sound in the world? And Kelly said that, and then they played it, and everyone was like, oh, yeah, I do fuck with that bird sound. But, you know, maybe, no. You can have, there is one animal that is an acceptable pet.

One and a half, I might allow a kitten. It's a dog and that's it, man. Everything else, any other animal that you bring into your living space is fucking patently ridiculous.

Not only is it ridiculous, it's just, it doesn't make any sense because it's just going to give someone an already negative vision of you and you got to battle uphill yes so we have a battle uphill you don't want to be the bird guy you don't want to be the ferret guy maybe on an off chance you can be normal a normal guy who owns a ferret but everyone's gonna be like that's a weird guy and then you got to battle that fucking first impression there's only one time in the history of the world when that one girl on Twitter was like,

I would never fuck a guy with a bird. And then Marty Mush was like, what about me? That was like some super hot chick that he started talking to about birds. Other than that, every other time it's been like, you got birds? You're fucking weird. Ferrets, reptiles, amphibians, guinea pigs, any sort of vermin. I own a hamster. No.

No. Fish are different. I fish of deck as decorations yeah i think a cool aquarium painting i actually i actually think just having an aquarium would be cool you put the little uh the little scuba guy and the bubbles are going up and you have those cool little huts and they're all like tech the color and you get the colored rocks i might just get a fucking aquarium with no fish in it or get like robotic fish just have like little robots fucking floating around uh so that's kind of different uh otherwise fucking dogs and i will allow maybe a kitten kitten cat not cats you could have a kitten and then you got to get rid of it in like six weeks uh voicemail time it's brought to you by roman roman is in motherfucking Walmart now, man. That's when you know that you have made it to the big time.

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There are these little moist towelettes that you rub on your dick that numbs you up just enough so that you can last longer, but not that you can't come at all. So it's really the perfect blend. And you can go to GetRoman.com slash KFC to get your first month of swipes for just $5 when you choose a monthly plan. That's GetRoman.com slash KFC. Hey, what's up, Chicken Heads? I have a simp story. When I was in high school, I was really into this guy.

And he played guitar, and he told me he was trying to learn a certain song. So I worked extra hours to get money to buy a guitar. I spent days teaching myself the song. Told him that I had learned it, if he wanted to hear it. Went over to his house where he proceeded to tell me that this was perfect because now he could call the girl that he was in to and pretend to play the song while I played the song out of view while he was on the phone.

Wait, what was he going to do with it? He was going to call the girl and play it or say? Say it was him, I think. I didn't hear it yeah but do you like play that last bit because that like just because someone else can play the song doesn't help you out really he didn't tell me that this was perfect because now he could call the girl that he was into and pretend to play the song while i played the song out of view while he was on the phone so you still that still requires her to be like all right all right start playing

um so by the way i didn't realize requires her to be like, all right, all right, start playing. You gotta play. So by the way, I didn't realize this was happening, but we asked for everyone to send in their simp stories. And we've had a couple people step up to the plate, a bunch of cowards here at Barstool who wouldn't tell their simp stories. But we've gotten people calling in each week to give out their lowest down bad moments.

I like this one, Ladies is Sims 2. Yeah, Ladies is Sims 2. Go on, dust your shoulders off. I think it's only a simp move. It's a simp move to learn music for somebody, but that's also like if in your attempt to simp, you learned a fucking song. No, Kevin. I think this is only a simp, you like learned a fucking song? No, Kevin!

I think this is only a simp move if she agrees to then fucking play the song for the other girl. If you learn to play a song for someone and then it's like wow, I fucking, I went like all out for this dude who has no interest in me, but at the end of the day it was like, I got a guitar and learned how to

play it. I'm not that upset about that. If you play it for the next girl, you are a fucking simp. I think she, it sounds like i got a guitar and learned how to play it i'm not that upset about that i would if you play it for the next girl you are a fucking sin i i think she it sounds like she must be a must have been a musician already like i don't think she just fucking bought a guitar i thought she said that she's got a guitar i didn't hear it you're great at this one jack stellar stellar producer hey what's up chicken heads I have a simp story when I was in high school I was really into this guy

and he played guitar and he told me he was trying to learn a certain song so I worked extra hours to get money to buy a guitar so that's like super hardcore simp but I also think I worked extra hours to get money to buy a guitar. I spent days teaching myself. So that's like super hardcore simp, but I also think that it's like,

all right, now I play the guitar. It's not like you can't, you know. But you play one song. Yeah. Like you're probably not going to keep learning the guitar. I used to be able to play Batman and Chop Suey. I didn't keep going. Yeah.

It was. Yeah, if you bought. It could be worse than like I bought a guitar and played a song No, you gotta fucking take this guitar And smash it, Phoebe Bridgers style Who's that? She smashed a guitar on SNL the other day Not the other day, a couple weeks ago

And people made a big deal about it Why'd you destroy that guitar? She could have given it to someone in need Just the most Rockstar thing of all time yeah a million guitars and i've been smashed in history did you see machine gun kelly throw his guitar no that was awesome when he like finished i think the concert for the night he took off his guitar and he like like spun it to like his his you know stage hand just caught it it's like that was cool they probably had to like practice that he probably was know, stagehand. He just caught it. It's like, that was cool.

They probably had to like practice that. He probably was like, all right, on this tour, I'm always going to throw my guitar to you. I wonder if they just like dropped a few at times. Definitely. Awesome.

Uh, yeah, go ahead. Just fucking smash that guitar and be like, I never wanted, you know, I mean, that's,

that's, that, or see, this is, or you go like Olivia Rodrigo and this girl becomes fucking that. That's a song right there. That's an album right there. That girl,

that girl should become a fucking pop star and be like, I learned to play the guitar for a boy. Yeah. And he dumped me and – Or he never even – Call the song like Teardrops on My Guitar. Is that already a thing? Is that what you're doing? Drew looks at me. Fuck you guys.

Who is that? Taylor Swift. Oh, okay. Oh, wait. She's pretty bad at brushing the guitar. Yeah, she's not great at it. She doesn't break it. And some famous rock star was tweeting how it was bad.

And she's like, hey, he tweeted about me. I don't care about the why didn't you give it away. It's just if you're going to do it, you've got to do it. Yeah. I mean, it's hard. It's just heavy. She just broke the speaker, not the guitar. Broke the fuck out of that speaker Yeah you gotta do it like

If you're gonna do it You gotta do like John Belushi You gotta make a mess of it I almost think it's gotta be Like a one shot in a way Like That's like trying to Break the bat over your knee

And not doing it But this is like You're getting You're getting female ears With this If this was a guy We'd be like You fucking pussy

I don't know I guess I think it's don't know i guess you are right in the guitar you are right in the sense that like if if you stop short of playing the song then if you help the other person get laid that's fucked up i think if you like if you were to change your style if you like do something that it's like you just kind of added to your life i mean but yeah i guess if you go out of your way you spend money money, you buy an instrument, you learn the music. There's no denying that it's a simp story. But I, and it does, it does, it definitely matters that it's a girl for sure. But the balls, the gall to ask the person.

I mean, that's just like you, you're an asshole. But he like. You could ask maybe a friend to do. These are funny stories. I just never. These are things from like Saved by the Bell that like Zach Morris would do. Like what are you going to do next time? What if you're ever out and there's a guitar and she's like, play that song?

What are you going to do then? Well, she said he had his own guitar too. So maybe you just didn't know this one song or something? Yeah, I guess. But either way, if someone else played the music for you, it's like maybe you just want to get in and then you'll just cross that bridge later when she's like play the song for me it's like well i have to call my friend who wants to fuck me you learn the song for me but yeah that's that's that sims so hard that is yeah girls are sims too next up what's up kfc fights everyone else i got a sim story for you about two years ago

talking to this chick I'm about 20 she's about 19ish she's a little bit younger that comes into play so we're talking we're not really dating yet or yeah and whatever

point being we're hanging out in a room she's like yeah I gotta paint my room and uh being the asshole i am i'm like oh i can paint that for you so i paint this bitch's room it took like several hours decent size room uh later that week i found out she was uh getting her black or her back blown out by some dude that was in his mid-30s. So yeah, painted the room up all night for that. So okay, let me tell you this though. First of all, paintings, someone's apartment for them, I think that might be the biggest

simp thing you could do. That's like, what's the most miserable thing you could do? That's the biggest simp thing. Painting's not so bad. I guess I've never painted. I say that as a man who's never painted bad i guess i've never painted i say i say that as a man who's never painted the room painting sounds fun at first you're like oh it's gonna be like cool and then it's fucking not it's also the number one thing if you've

ever hired someone to come paint they can do it in six minutes yeah and it would take you the entire day to like one wall they. They do these W's. They go. Dude, I was going to say, I saw a dude with a roller do like a whole wall. It took him like a TikTok or a Twitter video, whatever it was. Absolutely. And it was just like whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. And they do like one or two dips.

Yeah. Like we would be going back and forth and the trims and the dripping. It's crazy. That's the number one. Moving and painting pay people to do it um um i i had this like this this but we should uh teach people how to date it should be like a like a class in school and it should oh you don't mean us you mean yeah not us no yeah yeah yeah like the same way

everyone always says like why isn't there a class on taxes and mortgage and all the things you need there should be a fucking class on dating and first of all it should be like

the same way you're not allowed to drive until you're 16 you're not allowed to like even have a relationship until you're like 25 no actual relationships everybody just like

fuck each other and has fun when you're at least when you're like young people who like people who have like middle school and high school relationships. It's insanity, right? But if there was some teacher who told you that this is how it goes, that like when you're 20, you're going to have a crush on like the 19-year-old girl, right? And you're going to want her.

But she's going to fuck the guy who's in his mid-30s. But one day, you'll be the guy in your mid-30s. And then you can reap the benefits. I think that's a little weird. Mid-30s and like 19. Too much for me. But I think if you almost taught people in the beginning, like, this is kind of how it works with girls usually like older guys. And the older guys go to like age down.

I think you would be – you wouldn't get as upset about these things or you wouldn't even necessarily try or worry about it because you'd just be like, this is how it goes. Almost like when you're at work, you know when you're the low man on the totem pole. But one day I'll be like the manager and I can take vacation days or whatever the fuck it is. You can be like, ah, that sucks. But one day I'm going to be you and I'm going to be fucking over some guy who's like me and that's just the circle of life. I think the problem with that is no one knows how to date there isn't a there's nobody that can teach it you mean no there's no one who can teach it yeah there's because there's no one who knows how relationships work well that's what's funny it's like the people who talk about like the ocean

and shit you know it's like like again they that's that's like when i went to the ultimate if you can't do teach pre yeah pre-cana like i was listening to a priest teach me how to like be married like bro what the fuck do you know about this literally no one knows anything there's there is there is no book there is no like it's like like they say like oh we only know about x amount of the ocean yeah and we only know about x amount of the brain how it works we know zero percent about how relationships work yeah like there's no one or everything we've ever learned about relationships is i guess i guess from a priest or it's just tv shows we like yeah that's the only way we ever learn about how relationships work well like what so the what the what we strive for is a literal fantasy that's why i blame i blame society in general for not ever being honest

about your relationships and shit. Guys are always lying about how much sex they're having. Girls are always lying about their boyfriends, I don't know, do nice things for them or how much money they have or where they – their Instagrams are fake. Their stories are fake. So everybody is kind of like, oh, man, me and my girlfriend don't do that. Like, fuck. It's like, well, they don't do it either. They're fucking lying.

And then also on top of it, everybody's relationship they don't do it either they're fucking lying and then also on top of it everybody's relationship stories don't really matter because they're one of one you know what I mean it's like your story's not going to apply to me and mine not going to apply to you and nobody applies to anybody but I think the basic thing is almost like there's got to be some basics that are like

if you can like bake a if you can bake you're a baker it's like I don't know you can't bake that like individual cake that I just had, but we can kind of replicate it or we can follow some rules or some basics. But no one knows the rules. There aren't rules. But I think things like that. I think you can always bank on the fact that, for the most part,

girls will want to date up or date older and guys will date down. There's certain construct like constructs but even that is like super stereotypical like there's some people going like yeah yeah yeah but but as i mean there are stereotypes that do exist of like uh i think i think it's a fairly certain way when you're a certain age like these are the people who are you know your relationship's not going to last when you're this age when you want to date up you want to date down you like uh you you like what is it girls don't reach their sexual peak until they're late 30 whatever it is you know i think there are certain constructs that of course are stereotypical but they exist for a

reason yeah that i think you should fucking inform people on those things i think it's kind of crazy that that the thing about like the sexual peak is nuts to me where it's like if i was a girl i'd be like having that in my mind being like well i gotta like focus on when i'm like 37 because that's that's when i'm gonna start fucking so i don't give a shit about now you know or i gotta like make sure that when i'm 37 that like i'm ready to rock because that's what my body's gonna be like let's get some dick that's crazy but but in the same way with. Let's get some dick. That's crazy. But, but in the same way with being a guy where it's like,

yeah, man, you're gonna have to wait until you're like 35 to be able to, it's like, yeah, it sucks, but I don't know. It's going to come.

You'll have your day. You'll have your time in the sun one day. And I don't even know about that. Well, you have a better shot. Yeah. When you're like the 19 year old chump, when you're,

when you're 35, that's, that's when you're when you're 35 that's that's when i'm the opposite of ready to go i'm ready to go ready to go in a different way that's why it's so fucked and that's why i think at the end of the day if you play by all these rules and stereotypes nobody should ever date the same age because it's like girls want to get fucked when guys are like i'm done man so older women should date younger guys and older guys should date younger women and like nobody should ever really date each other's same age if you're basing it on those sexual peaks and shit yeah it makes sense it's like a suck when you're like a 40 year old woman and you're ready to go and the guy's like i don't know i've been fucking for 20

years i've been fucking for 25 years i'm done man i don't give a shit anymore 15 years ago right right i've done it all girl like you should have been you should have thought about that when you I've been fucking for 25 years. I'm done, man. I don't give a shit anymore. I was born 15 years ago. Right, right. I've done it all, girl. Like, you should have been, you should have thought about that when you were turning me down for the last decade. I don't want to fuck anymore. It's, I guess you can't teach love, but I don't know, we should at least fucking try because everybody's out here just willy nilly making shit up.

I think I would be less inclined to listen to someone who was trying to teach love. You can't teach love. I wish I knew some of the ropes. I wish I knew some things. But I knew all that stuff. And it just doesn't matter. I guess that's it. If I was like maybe if it was taught, if it was like a class or something, I would be more inclined.

Because we all think we're superheroes. We all think we're like more important. But that's why I wish if it was told to me in maybe a classroom setting that I would like believe it more, where it's just like, this is the way it is. Everything I heard in a classroom setting, I don't believe. Yeah. Or I just don't remember.

But in the beginning when you're a kid, you do think of it as like, if a teacher's telling it to me and I'm reading it out of the textbook, I mean, you couldn't teach this shit to one. You're're a kid you do think of it as like if a teacher's telling it to me and i'm reading it out of the textbook i mean you couldn't teach the shit to when you're like a kid right but you know like when every guy tells you like yeah man it's you know you put a ring on it and things change like no not me and my girl and then it's like yeah you and your girl and you didn't believe it or you thought you were going to change it but if there was some way to convey and that doesn't mean like i'm not saying like don't ever get married it's all gonna be miserable but like it's gonna be different don't think i used to think like oh we live together already what's gonna change it's gonna be like a ring on her finger shit changes it does

it might not be bad but it's gonna be different but how do you get people to believe in in those things and actually like i don't think anyone ever will i don't think that's why we'll never know anything about relationships i don't know i don't know if anyone ever will believe anything it's like i like it's like because you know you're speeding you're speeding you're gonna get a car accident not me i'm a good driver right guess what it's never gonna be probably gonna get a car accident that's why you just dump her and die alone last voicemail is brought to you by my favorite people in the goddamn world omaha streaks father's day is here you know we have our speaking of stereotypes we have our very stereotypical gifts around mother's day and val. You know, we have our, speaking of stereotypes,

we have our very stereotypical gifts around Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. We have the flowers. And then around Father's Day and Christmas for the fellows, we got the Omaha Steaks. Because what is better for your dad than the gift of meat? Not only, see, this is a double gift. The Omaha Steaks are awesome cuts of meat, awesome sides, good food. You have like a steakhouse dinner experience at home.

But also, it allows your dad to go man the grill and get the fuck out of the house and separate away from the party and get away from the people who are squawking and talking. Hey, I got to put the steaks on the grill, man. So it's the gift of good food and peace and quiet, all coming in one freezer, one – what are those called? Coolers that gets delivered right to your doorstep. I came back the other weekend, and it was sitting there waiting for me, and I was like, oh, my God. It's Omaha season. Right now they're doing – oh, this is a good one.

It's the Get Out and Grill Assortment. It includes 20 entrees, ultra-juicy burgers, plump chicken breasts, sides, desserts, and four 10-ounce New York strips. I think the New York strip is super underrated. I think people are either, I like the filet and people who don't like a lot of fat. I was raised in a New York strip house. See, that's the way to be. I was raised in a London broil house. We were poor. But the filet is kind of like if you don't like the fat, you know, you like it to be

lean. And then I think if you do, you go all the way to the ribeye and then like the crazy shit like the porterhouse and the big ones. But in that middle there is the New York strip and that's a good fucking cut. It's a little more affordable too. You know what I like?

I like when you see the cut of meat and it's just like an inch or an inch and a half. This is a thick piece of meat. I love a thick piece of meat. Grill it up and it's got that perfect amount of fat. Not too fatty but still got the taste on it. Age 30 days.

New York strip is the real deal. Get that nice and marbled. Yeah, the marble look. That's the extent of my steak knowledge. Marbled. You want a good marble. Yep. Cut across the grain.

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So go right now, omahasteaks the sides, the desserts, and the New York strips, high quality. So go right now, omahasteaks.com, promo code KFC. What's up, fellas? I've got an M.I. the Asshole for you. I'm a 32-year-old living up in Boston. I currently have three children with my wife. They're four, three, and two. I'll let you sit on that for a second christ we're actually

expecting our fourth child you know the original due date was june 20th and uh one of my best friends who's letting them in bachelor parties is in miami and uh happening june 5th to the 7th it has been planned for a while everything's already paid for however the update is due to my wife's high blood pressure her doctor is planning to induce her this sunday which would be may 30th therefore we would have a newborn baby you know may 30th or 31st my wife's a stay-at-home mom you know so she's used to spending all day with the kids obviously a newborn has a whole new element not trying to ignore that however this bachelor party is with my closest friends my brother my cousin not sure if that makes a difference just trying to highlight you know the difference as i've been on bachelor parties where you get there you have multiple groups of

friends and you're meeting people you've never met before when you have when you have this is not one of those four three and two and you got a newborn on the way now here okay here's what you can do you got to make a decision. And I will support you either way on this one. You can fucking stand up on your own two feet and, like, look her in the eye and be like, I'm fucking going. And you can go. And you better have the time of your goddamn life because you're going to hear about it for the rest of your life. You can do that.

But just know those are the repercussions. Or I think this man is totally within his rights and, like, his friends maybe can bust his balls a little bit. But I think they've got to be pretty understanding if he just says, I've got a 4-year-old, a 3-year-old, a 2-year-old. I've got a stay-at-home mom. The baby might come early. I'm not going. But either way, like, just be prepared for what comes with it. Because if you go to this thing you will never

live it down I think she's well within her I think a 4-3-2 newborn, I think you have to say so I would say it's like a family golfing so here's the thing

I guess that is true if we're going to measure this by new bachelor party standards, it's really not worth it. If the baby wasn't being – if the bachelor party was in May – I mean, this is even cutting it close. If the bachelor party is in April, I think that when you have a 4-year-old, a 3-year-old, and a 2-year-old, you got – like I always say the bachelor party is not about the bachelor it's about the guy who has three fucking kids at home who's like i need to blow some steam off now we don't really blow steam off anymore we just go golfing

which is why bachelor parties suck now but if he was like yo hon like i'm going crazy over here i gotta go out with the boys for the weekend i think he should be given that gifted that but with if it's within the delivery date very close to the due date and also you're having high blood pressure and the baby might come early and all that i would not go to this bachelor party if you do decide to go to the party how about this dude stop coming in your wife yeah there i think that's the advice bro for stop coming to your wife so often more importantly it's crazy stop letting your husband come in you so often what is she doing like as bad as this is for the husband for the dad when you you're either pregnant delivering or nursing

for the last five straight years and we'll be doing so for another like three four on top like this this woman is giving her body for a decade a decade in with like no breaks i remember our old intern charlie wisco his family had four kids and i think it was like a 10 and 8, a 4. And the parents got pregnant and they had twins. Two on the final round when you already had four to make it even six children. I believe the story goes, I think Charlie said his dad passed out when they got the news. They looked at the sonogram and they're like, oh, there's two heartbeats. I think he passed out. But his mom always says, she looks off into the distance when she's talking about it. She's like, a piece of me died.

A piece of me died those years. She like gave over like her pussy, her tits, her life, her brain, her everything for like 10 straight years. Went to war for a decade. Yeah. And it's like, why are you doing this? Like, I know, I mean, I remember hearing, I remember our logic was like, let's just cram all the bad years into let's get them done with. Because if you you have a kid and they're like four or five years old and then you start over, you just reset the clock. You're out of diapers.

They're going to school. You start over. But if you just like cram it all in. But then those years are crammed the fuck in and it's going to be bad. So four, three, two, one is like, it doesn't even make any sense. I honestly don't understand the math. When he said he's like, I got a 4-year-old, 3-year-old, 2-year-old. Chew on that one for a second.

Like, yeah, that's – I mean it's Irish twins type shit where it's just like you are either pregnant or conceiving. Like there's like one day in between. It's like you got out of the hospital, came home, and fucked. That's – we have too many people as is. Don't – stop coming to people. You're overpopulating. Yeah. Stop coming to people. And I mean, like like i said if this guy wants to really define i think it would be an asshole move i think she's been pregnant for nine fucking months almost

10 months now she's got high blood pressure she has all these kids at home like you're you're probably not allowed to go on a bachelor party like period if you got three or four kids let alone the pregnancy and the delivery it's like you can't fucking leave me here with these fucking kids but um but you can you know you can if you want no you can't yeah you can't do it you can't do it i agree but i just stop coming your wife asshole you you really you're right about the party you can't no yeah you Asshole! You really are right. You want a bachelor party? No kids. You cannot do it, but I just will tell you, if somehow you lose your mind and do it, she will torture you for eternity, and she will be within her bounds.

When you live a miserable life, and the guys are like, oh man, did you hear about what Feidelberg's wife did to him? And the other buddy chimes in like, yeah, but did you hear that back in 2021, he went on the fucking bachelor party when she was on bed rest for three you know and everyone should be like oh yeah okay it's like it's like justifiable you know it's like uh yeah you you earned that one

you deserve it so uh don't go don't go yeah don't go uh and i was gonna say make sure you uh subscribe to all of our channels and all that bullshit. And don't raise any pigeons in your house. Yeah, and also your grandma's going to die tomorrow. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.