KFC Radio - Kal Penn & The Return of Callbacks: Gay Husband to a Straight Wife Edition

Episode Date: September 17, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review -The first crisp weather of Sad Boy Season hit this week -Marty Mush got forced to get a haircut because of a bet -KFC made peace with his parking wars neighbor -Kanye West tweeted his full music label contract and a video of himself peeing on his grammy -Viral TikTok of a guy telling his girlfriend he's taking her out for the day -AITA Thursday with pandemic strip club, panty trickery, and more -(01:40:00) CALLBACKS RETURN: We call back the voicemail from Tuesday about the gay man who married his straight wife and had a kid together and redefined marriage goals for all of us. If you haven't listened to Tuesday's voicemail check out the clip here: https://youtu.be/pMqmvz4fB7Q -Voicemail: What's the one knick knack you own that you'd be upset if you lost -(02:05:45) Kal Penn returns to the show! He explains to us why we need to vote, tells a story about a run in he had with Kathy Griffin, we get his opinion on whether or not Joe Rogan should moderate a Presidential Debate, we discuss the Social Dilemma Documentary, play Answer the Internet, and much more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @KalPennYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. That first time that you bang a guy after realizing it has got to be awesome, right? Or no, maybe it's scary, maybe you were nervous. I was going to say stressful. I better be fucking right. Right. That's like almost like cutting the wire at the end of the movie. It's either red or blue. I'm going blue.

This better be right. I mean, honestly, it's like, how did I do that for 12 years? It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. I tried to sleep in today. It didn't work out. I told you that last night, right? Yeah, it worked out for me. I said I'm going to sleep in. Maybe I'm coming late. Total opposite.

I woke up at like 6 today. Didn't have the kids. Didn't have anything. But these days when I I said, I'm going to sleep in. Maybe I'm coming late. Total opposite. I woke up at like 6 today. Didn't have the kids. Didn't have anything. But these days when I wake up, I'm up. So I did a little One Minute Man, and then I started to watch the Paris Herald documentary. Also, that movie on Netflix is out, the one with Tom Holland, like the really bleak one in the south. I heard it's okay. Oh, really?

Didn't live up to that? I think the trailer looks awesome. I'm going on Rotten Tomatoes. I saw Rotten Tomatoes had it like a 67. Interesting. I thought that was going to be a smash hit. But either way, I woke up and I had left my windows open and the air conditioner on. And it was cold as fuck in my apartment because I woke up and there was a chill in the air.

It was at six in the morning. It was like 50 flat we were almost i almost had a four handle oh which is like woke up shivering and when there's a chill in the air that means that the season has turned she said to me yesterday in the car she said daddy is this is the summer over i said you goddamn right it is she said what is what is it? And because she said, is it fall? Because the trees still have leaves. I said, you're fucking right, Shay. The leaves do.

They still have leaves. So how could it be fall if they haven't fallen yet? But the season has turned. It's turned to sad boy season. Sad boy season. Sad boy season is here. I'm so excited. It actually came a little earlier this year than expected.

Yeah, it crept up. It was like hot little earlier this year than expected. It crept up. It was like hot, hot, hot, hot, boom. I didn't even know it was coming yesterday. Today, also, I was walking around with a sweatshirt on. But it happened very, very fast. I think tomorrow it's going to turn back to summer. What sucks, though, once you flip the switch, I will dress that way, I will act that way,

and I will think that way. Thursday is going that way. And I will think that way. Thursday is going to be 80 degrees. And I'm going to be sweating. That's what's going to happen. And I will be still like, you know, if I was into coffee, I'd be drinking hot coffee. Yeah. I would be wearing my sweatshirts. Once I decide to make the switch, the switch is done.

It does not get flipped back until next summer. Right. That's it. I'm in sweatshirts now. So now it's time to be sad it is from here on out again we've had this discussion before with the seasonal affective disorder people where it's like come on guys like welcome to my world yeah it's a little bit more 365 over here we're talking about the emotions of it all. Welcome. But it is very nice to, because there's just a sense of camaraderie in Sad Boy season and in Fall, obviously. Because there's just something about it where everyone's like, look, we're going to hunker down.

It's like we're going to hibernate. We're going to hunker down in dark bars. Get your pack or your den or whatever. Get in the cave. And we'll just sit there. We'll the cave. And we'll just sit there. We'll watch football. And we'll drink whiskey. And we'll listen to, like, Chris Stapleton and Tyler Childers and Johnny Cash.

Talk dirty to me, baby. I made a playlist on Spotify called Sad Boy Season. It's about seven hours. And I'm going to keep adding to it. It is just fucking awesome. Seven hours. It is so good. That's so many songs.

And honestly, it was just, like like the songs I have on my playlist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't have to go look. You just formalized it. It was just like, oh, these are songs I have saved. Add, add, add, add. All your most recent. Sad Boys, Sad Boys, Sad Boys.

100%. I remember when it was like, there was like a Spotify viral tweet where it was like, I didn't know you could look for my most played or whatever it is. They keep an app for your your most played songs yeah and it was like screenshot that and let the people judge and i went and looked at it and i was like i don't think i don't know about that this one people they're gonna judge yeah it's just gonna be like he is who we thought he was like it was just like you want to crown him crown him he's a sad boy Taylor Swift Juice WRLD and fucking Chris Stapleton

like yeah it's like suicide uh depressed uh like love

feeling and uh and Stapleton just like crooning about uh like life and death I mean it's

it's a lifestyle it's not a season it's a lifestyle it's why I've always said that I like snowstorms better than rainstorms which sucks living in New York

because it doesn't snow here because when it snows there's also a sense of camaraderie with just people where it's like we got something we're going to beat. When it rains, it's just you have to go about your day wet. No one cares. I do like thunderstorms at night though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm not anti-rain. It's just rain is not as good as snow.

Rain doesn't provide you with an excuse for anything. You can't be like, I'm sorry. There's no rain days. There's snow days. It's rain. You're like, okay, what does that mean? And then snow, you can just be like, you look out and there's some snow on the ground. No work today.

Yeah. Snow days are coming or you got to stock up. Remember that time Dave got mad at me because I didn't go to work when it was literally been snowing for like three weeks straight and my car was in an alley that had been plowed? I'm like, dude, it's just impossible. I have to shovel this whole alley. And again, I'm not a construction man. I'm working.

I'm just at home. Right. I'm still writing blogs and stuff. I don't need to be there. It's like, would you rather me miss a day of blogging to shovel a whole alley? I'd have to shovel an entire alley. The whole alley I'd have to shovel. It was like four feet or something.

I took a picture outside. Again, this is all pre-DevNest. I took a picture from my balcony to my alley where my car is parked. You just couldn't see any of the cars in the alley. I had to shovel everyone out of here. Go knock on everyone's door. They have to move their cars and I get to drive. Fuck out of here.

Yeah, but you're right. Especially now, everybody's a little extra melancholy, a little extra sad. And the gear is here. Sad Boy Season, if you're watching right now. These are some of my favorite shirts you've ever put out. Because it has a... You're like an artist. Oh, really?

Yeah, well, it's your artwork. It's my artwork. It's your doodle, and it's your handwriting. And that makes it, you know... Show the people. there it is sad boy season with a with a little droopy um stick figure it's like a little play on life is good right it's it's it's the polar opposite life is bad sad boy season and on the back it has uh some some uh it has the address like kind of scribble on the bottom corner but it makes it feel like um you know it's almost like

oh like is that a Banksy? Is that a Final Burn? When these pop off, one day when we're famous, it'll be like, oh, that's his handwriting. That's his signature. I'm just going to work on this one for now. I like the couch one. The stick figure laying on the couch. That feels extra depressing.

That's Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers, like reading Don't Kill Yourself books. So, it's here. Lying on the couch. So it's here. The gear will be out. The crisp is in the air, and Sad Boys season is here. And when you're hunkered down, living Sad Boys season, in a dark bar, on your couch, drink some screwball whiskey.

What better way to celebrate Sad Boys season when you're drinking dark liquor in a dark place and to have it with a little extra a little extra kick to it you know it's like screwball whiskey's like you know yeah we're we're not like we're not like that depressed yeah we still want a little sugar in it a little flavor to it a little sweetness for the seasonal effectives yeah yeah yeah yeah the like the Johnny Come Lately's over here. You know what I was doing this morning, by the way, speaking of seasonal effective? Setting up my fucking light. Oh, you're fucking. I feel good.

It's like your tanning booth inside? Yeah. Like that's going to fix the problem. It will. Vitamin D helps it. Sure. That is like, you know, you're going to war and you're like well i'll bring a slingshot you know it's gonna help me a little bit it's better than not yeah slingshot dough is how you

beat goliath right listen that is true it's like we're facing four goliaths what is that from that was michael scott four goliaths i don't remember that one when uh in the china episode you keep going i'm looking up the quote. So screwball, it's a little bit of both. If you want to share a shot of whiskey or drink it on the rocks or in a glass three, four fingers worth when you've got some shit to work through, but also you're still good that you want a little sweetness and you want a little flavor to it, that's what screwball whiskey provides you it's got a peanut butter flavor

so there's uh it goes down smoother it has a familiar taste that you love a little sweetness from your childhood and that makes it good to shoot straight or to mix up with other cocktails what is it all right so it was wrong it's not the china episode it's a business school episode and it's when um he's he's talking to. It's the business school episode. And it's when he's talking to Ryan's business class. And he's telling them that Dunder Mifflin will survive. So I'll tell you one thing. Dunder Mifflin is here to stay. Business school student.

How can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain? Michael Scott. David will always beat Goliath. Business school. But there's five Goliaths. There's Staples, OfficeMax, Michael Scott. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know who else is facing five Goliaths. There's Staples, Office Max, Michael Scott. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know who else is facing five Goliaths?

America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators, mercury poisoning. That's four. Mercury poisoning. Sex predators? That's just brilliant writing. It's so fucking good. So yeah, if you're facing a Goliath,

you got to deal with Sex Predators and Mercury Poisoning. You got to have a little, your favorite cocktail to get you through. Go with the Screwball Whiskey. You can mix it up and do a little, maybe like a little peanut butter and jelly. When you mix it with some grape soda or juice, you could do it just as a dessert

with a big scoop of ice cream. You can turn it into like an adult milkshake. Or like I said, you can just do shots of it. Keep it straight. They're also a great company that's helping out a lot of great causes around the country with helping the Bartenders Guild and the children of restaurant employees. So during a tough time here in COVID, Screwball's making sure to give back with all their sales. They're donating a quarter of a million to the bartenders, $100,000 to the children of employees, $100,000 to the Restaurant Association in California.

California needs all the help they can fucking get, man. So go to get some Screwball, the original and most awarded peanut butter whiskey. It's available near you at 70 proof. Screwball whiskey, peanut butter whiskey is the perfect shot or perfect addition to your favorite cocktail. Pick it up at your local store or get it delivered today. Get ready to get screwed.

Hashtag get screwed. Go to screwballwhiskey.com for more information. Enjoy responsibly. Advertisement by Screwball Whiskey LLC, San Marcos, California. Whiskey with natural flavors and caramel. 35% alcohol by volume. Screwball sad boy season is here. You know who's a sad boy right now?

Your partner and your teacher your teacher your mentor really mentor that's the word you're the you're the protege you're the pupil he's the teacher marty dr rat is in a world to hurt uh and i imagine this is gonna have to be a big part of uh making a gambler so i can't wait for next episode because he made a bet and he lost that bet and he's supposed to be delivering on it because the gambling crew is very mad at him and saying that he can't get the gambling maloik off of him until he follows the maloik i don't know this maloik is like uh i think it's i think the italians say it it's like uh you know like a stank it's got like italian yeah you probably should probably just avoid it but you know know, it's, it's the,

it's the, the stank on you. You got the Maloy. He got the, the mush because you know, you get superstitious around here. And he said that John Morant was going to win rookie of the year. And if he didn't,

he would shave his head. Ja is now I would argue if I was Marty. No, he said John Morant was not going to win. Correct. Correct. Correct. Correct.

He said, but did he, did they give it out? Yes. Ja won. Ja won. Ja won. Ja did. Correct. But did he? Did they give it out? Yes. Ja won. Ja won. Ja won. Jesus, that's tough.

Ja won by a long shot. Ja got one vote. Ja got one vote. Zion got one vote. Ja, Zion, and Sta. Yeah, that's going to be tough. They have me in a figure four leg lock right now. I wasn't sure if it was fully announced.

We all knew that was going to happen. If I was Marty, I would have said, we'll cross this bridge when it when it officially happens but i didn't realize it did i think it happened like two weeks ago okay it's been a while i didn't i didn't know they had already given out all the awards so um they haven't been on mvp yet i don't believe but they wait till the final that one it's crazy um so he is now being told he's got to shave his head and you know like i i i have an outstanding bet i'll i'll help him out here i'll throw my name in the ring just so maybe i can take some heat from i'm supposed to call myself and jump off a bridge and uh but what's that is that because the wafon sold no last

year i said if if pete alonzo goes for 50 and 120 i i was like are you kidding me i'll call myself and jump off a bridge and then he did it Because it was back when that was just like, even if you think Pete's going to be a good play, there's nobody's going to hit 50 home runs. And he hit 53. And I think in the final two games of the season, he got to 120. And so, you know, I get church.

I got one, too. And mine, I'm going to let him do it. But mine is Marty owes me a tattoo. Right. So I am going to let him do it. He just has to learn how to use a tattoo gun. And the Rocket has to snort a grasshopper yeah you know we gave white socks dave a hard time for not chaining himself to the statue which he then eventually tried to do but like faked it remember

he like ran away during the thunder and he wasn't really chained there yeah yeah that's right i forgot about that you ended up doing it before that yeah so it's you know there's a long history of people uh that was the weirdest thing to too when they tried to catch me in a lie because they were like, you just used that to come to Chicago. I was like, I mean I had dinner when I was in Chicago, yeah, but I went to Chicago to go do that. I didn't go to Chicago to hang out with Dante. By the way, it's like –

I love Dante, but I wouldn't go to Chicago to hang out with him. But also if you wanted to go to Chicago, you would just go to Chicago. Right. Why would you need an excuse? I think they called me on the dog walk the next day and be like, is there any truth to the rumor you just want to work to pay for this trip? Oh, for a Southwest round-trip flight to Chicago? It's like $150.

If I'm going to scam work, it's going to be better than this. I promise you that. So there's a long history of people maybe writing some checks their ass can't cash but it's usually a something like you're okay with getting the tattoo whatever in my case you know clem clem warned me he was like if there's any problems with the the the steve cohen deal like it's because of you and you're gonna have to do it but like that went through and i get some fans chirping me but but not really. The problem with Martin J. Mush is that he has,

you know, big cat and all the gamblers and like, it's out there. It's, it's a, it's a part of all of the, every, all of our 35 gambling shows.

It's a part of their content. So everybody's talking about it and everybody's on the cold street gambling. And so if he doesn't shave his head, it feels like he's going to like lose his job job he's getting kicked off his shows people won't someone said he has to shave or quit yeah which is like i get the in gambling that's all shave quit much more serious hashtag shave or quit i would just be like dude it's okay yeah like i would like i'm like such a fucking pussy when it comes to winning bets like that's why i don't even make you pay up i't even make bets with friends.

Save the thousand. It's okay. I'm with you on that. There's like an episode of New Girl where like fucking Winston is like mad at Nick because he didn't pay his thousand dollars or whatever it is. He's like, you lost me a thousand dollars in gambling last night. We were playing poker at the house. I'd be like, don't worry. It's all good.

I had fun. Speaking of New Girl. What's the black guy's name? Damon Wayans Jr.? What's his name? Whatever his name is. Damon Wayans Jr. No, no.

Oh, Coach. Coach, yeah. He has a Netflix movie out. It's like an algorithm movie type of bad on purpose almost. It is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's so bad. Is it a comedy? Yeah, it's a rom-com.

It's called Love Uninterrupted or something like that. The premise, and it's got, she's all that girl, Rachel Lee Cook. Oh, where's she been? Exactly. So she has done virtually nothing, absolutely nothing of note since she's all that. But it sounds like now she produces things and then she just puts herself in them so that's like the only way she makes movies and this movie is he has gone he's on a uh a dating app and the rules the fine print says it says oh it's called love guaranteed is

the app and he's like you guaranteed me love i have not found love i'm suing you and the fine print says you have to go on 1000 dates and he's like i'm on 986 and i have not found love i'm suing you and the fine print says you have to go on 1 000 dates and he's like i'm on 986 and i have not found love and i want you to take the case she's the lawyer and he's this great guy and he's like awesome and there's a class action lawsuit against this this company and it is staggeringly bad i mean it sounds awesome well that's what i mean it's like and i watched it and i was like this is so bad like how's it end you know what I mean. It's like – and I watched it and I was like, this is so bad. Like how does it end? You know what I mean? They just – they know how to do it.

986 dates. I've been on zero in my life, so he's way ahead of me. Yeah, this is the opposite. You guys are the polar opposites. Anyway, I would be – I'm the same way. I mean I'm not – when you're not like a gambler and you don't have it in your blood, you don't – I don't care about like welching on bets for the most part. I don't care about, like, welching on bets for the most part. I don't care about this silly stuff.

And I do have sympathy for the real world mixing with the barstool world. And that's why it's really kind of as important. You know, depending on you got to be honest with yourself. It's like, can you make the tattoo bet? Can you make the hair bet? Can you make the semi-permanent or fully permanent appearance changing bets? And if you can't, you shouldn't make them. No.

Because they will come to roost. I can't decide whether he's in a better spot or a worse spot because of his hair situation. Now, it's pretty clear Marty's losing his hair. Marty doesn't have much time left with that loved one. So that's what I would think. Marty's afraid it's not going to grow back, which is a reasonable fear. Absolutely. My logic is if you already don't like your hair and think it's bad and we're going down this road and it'll probably be gone in a couple years anyway, just take control of it now.

I've always said if I ever got sick, I had cancer, I was doing chemo, I would shave it before I let it fall out. I'd be like, I'm going to decide. I'm taking the reins right i'm in control of me yeah and in this case marty is fully out of control of his life because he's letting others and the gambling gods decide it but i would say to myself it's not like hair is my strong suit anyway it's not gonna grow back might not grow back because it's thin or whatever. Let me just shave it now, and I'll please the gambling gods and the guys at work, and I will start my new life. What does SVP say?

Come on home. Yeah. But the other logic is if you had a full head of hair, you had great hair, you can shave it, and it will come back, and it'll just be a little bump in the road. I've considered shaving it in solidarity wow I'm not going to do it but it crossed my mind I thought about it for a split second and quickly said no I just wanted to throw it out there

I considered taking the bullet for you I mean you know the real problem with that right I mean Eric and Fleischman will fucking chop your head off she'll be like oh you cut your hair off I'm going to cut your head off there's no more hair on your head because there's no more head on your shoulders by the way speaking of fleishman shout out to them um did you see that commercial they did they're using our lines in it are they yeah what they say it was uh it was what erica and lee set up out in montauk uh they had this

surfer with this like incredible hair and they had all their products on the sand and in like this beach motif and theme oh this one's different oh okay this one is uh so you know the line you came up with about the smell of our products and how your girlfriend will still want to lay in bed with the pillow after you get up we're using that in a real commercial and it's shooting on montauk and it's fire hell yeah yo what's up girl damn shorty just sniffing that pillow that's how good it smells. Yeah, man.

Look at us. We're basically making commercials now. Shit. Promo code KFC at FleischerSalon.com. 20% off. Yeah, 20%. And then you get an additional discount when you subscribe. So Marty's in a world of hurt because he's got a real life.

Let's look at his hair here. Is this right now? Okay, so then last night he did then he did the unthinkable and he did like a half and half yeah he went last night he took the manscaped clippers promo code kfc at manscaped and he just went like and just took chunks out of his hair i mean just and that is ridiculous that but he shaved like the front half almost. I think that's just his hairline. Really? Yeah, I think he pushes his hair. So then, okay, then he needs to just shave his head.

That's his natural hair. Dude, that was part of making a game where he's like, I don't understand why there's so much more hair on this side of my head. And it was like, yeah, I don't know what to tell you. That looks like, you know, somebody took a bite out of his hair. Right. That's so much worse than just shaving your head. Right. So he did

in classic fashion, Marty, you did the worst of all. But I also, I get it's like, say this hair is your wife. Right? And she is dying. And she's gonna go. I want to spend as much time

with you as I can. So that's why I understand the reluctance to shave it but also there's part of it where it's like okay yes but let's say your wife is on her deathbed she's a vegetable marty's actually not that bad no there have been worse in this office that we're doing like the individual strands of hair combed over oh and they went to home to pick it he's got years to go before he's one of the worst hangers on in the office. I think at least he, he makes it sound like it's almost,

you know, like medical. Uh, but yeah. Um, but the, the counter to that would be like, you want to spend as much time as you can with her in,

but what if there's a problem on the other side of it? What if she's okay. So she's on her deathbed and you're spending like thousands of dollars a day to keep a vegetable alive and it's compromising your entire family's financial future you gotta pull the plug yeah right yeah i guess that's what's going his financial future and his his well-being at work and whatnot is in jeopardy now wait a minute pull that put that back up nick give me a little full screen on that that's not bad no is is that it like are they are they satisfied with that because i'll be honest if i was like pushing the other side of it,

I'd be like, that doesn't count. One city told him he had to get it to a three. That's what it looks like. A three? Yeah. Oh, Marty, get a three. A three is, like, fine. He just has a fade now.

He just has, I mean, you know, I'm not saying it's my favorite haircut ever, but, like, he looks fine. He looks better. I'd argue he looks better. Yeah. So if that is, if that, if what we're looking at now, and we'll put it in a clip or you can go see it on Twitter at KFC Radio or check Marty, Marty's Twitter.

If that is enough to satisfy all the gamblers, then he will not have problems in his regular life with that hair. No. If that's enough. But let's say breaking, Marty has shaved his head, agreed to a length. Three on top. He looks fantastic, Marty. Now this argument has totally flipped to the other side.

I am not a stickler for this stuff. I would be like, don't even worry about it. But if you're going to be like, we got to put his feet to the fire, a three on top and a one and a half on the sides is just a haircut. That's just a regular haircut that I would argue he already had. I bet Marty's had a million times. Three on top and a one and a half on the sides is a haircut. That's the haircut Marty has in the – Nick put out the side-by-side of season one and season two of us.

That's just the haircut Marty had in season one. You guys really are agent-like presidents. It's like a blogger gambling, and then within that you're doing a – it's like a blogger aging, and then within that you're doing gambler aging. Which I'm doing pretty good at. I guess I should have spoken up for Marty if – You're doing good at gambling? Yeah. I'm doing pretty good.

So you're like the closest to him, so you should maybe make the argument now. I can't believe you cut your fucking hair. You're going to ruin my mojo. But it is the bigger discussion here. Yeah, that's what the hair cutty has. It's a little short on the sides. But the top's the same. And the top is what you worry about

when you're worried about going bald. I tweeted out a video today because I actually made peace with Larry, my labor. Oh, did you? Larry, in my parking wars, if you listen to, I guess I did that on MailTime.

MailTime's out yesterday, and then I've been tweeting about it. My neighbors leave notes on the car. If I park this way, they leave a note on my car saying, don't do this. If I park in a way that fixes that problem, well, now I'm too close to their driveway. And there's always a fucking note. But Larry, otherwise, is nice to me. The guy next to him is who I'm white trash with and I argue in the streets with. That guy, there can be no peace.

But Larry, he came to me one time. I moved. Larry also puts the garbage can out to hold his spot. And one time I thought that the garbage can had just been thrown back by the garbage people on the ground. So I moved it and parked there. And he came over and was like, listen, I was actually leaving that there. And so he's kind of being unreasonable about notes and garbage cans. But he also will talk to me about it.

And because I'm a pussy, I'm just like, OK, whatever. You talk to me. I said, listen, you could be like, I look, I don't want to kill you. But, you know, it's kind of just part of it. I'm like, yeah, get the gig. As long as you came to me, man, the man. But I said, you know, a man has a code he lives by. And Larry's code just happens to be like he's a stickler for parking. He came to me man to man. But I said, you know, a man has a code he lives by,

and Larry's code just happens to be like he's a stickler for parking. And so he came to me and said, I didn't realize that was your car. My bad. I would never have left a note for you. No, no, no. I think he just, maybe. I don't know. I think if he saw the videos, he would have said, like,

you're not really going to burn down my house, are you? I think it was more that he just realized, like, oh, wait, wait, he saw my car and me getting out of the car. I was like, oh, shit, that was Kevin's car. So he was like, I would never have done that to you. I know that you're from around here. I thought it was someone who's not around here. And he's like, but your neighbor. I fucking hate her. So I also respect that, that this is just out of pure hate in his heart.

He's like, and I guess they had an argument. She's new to the neighborhood and her boyfriend was parking in a way that he didn't like. And she, uh, he's like, she's got a real bug up her ass, but listen, I'm an Italian. I've got a bug up my ass. So I'm like, listen, he's owning up to everything here. So I'm like, you know what? We're good, Larry. I hope you don't have Twitter.

Um, but, um, probably like 60, maybe fifties. We're good, Larry. I hope you don't have Twitter. What's Larry's age? Probably like 60. Okay. Maybe 50s. He's like shaved, bicked head, retired now. If I had to guess, it was probably like a fireman or something like that. Oh, man. You're fucking with some real ones.

Yeah. Maybe not a fireman, but definitely like a city employee. Yeah. Maybe a garbage man, sanitation, court clerk, something like that. But retired now and just looking for fucking something to occupy his time. Honestly, I don't even know where I'm going anymore. I don't know why I brought that up. Fuck. What was I saying?

We've done all the parking wars. I made peace with them. Shit. It did tie into whatever we were just talking about with Marty and the bets and all that. Oh, maybe it was just that. Oh, I guess maybe. Oh, I was saying I'm not a stickler.

I wouldn't have folded. I just kind of folded with Larry. Yeah. I guess. That makes sense. I forgot. Look, if we're talking about folding, I'm an easy folder. I'll fold. Although, if we're talking about gambling, I i'm an easy folder i'll fold although if we talk about gambling i'm not

an easy folder because people have sense like would like playing poker like we're talking like literally folding yeah my friends stopped letting me play poker with them because you were just like a renegade like you were just like they didn't know how to read me yeah that's what's funny is like they're like you're supposed to fold and it's like i'm not to just play by the rules that I know is going to give you an advantage. If you know that your buddy plays by the rules, I'm going to fuck you up. This was like back in the day when like this is, you know, this isn't like yesterday when like some fucking sharks won't let me play with them. This is like by like middle school. I love that.

I love the craze. Everyone like smoke cigars. When World Series of Poker first hit and Chris Moneymaker and Norman Chad and everybody, I don't know about you guys, but we bought the real chips and somebody had the real tabletop. You bet. The felt. In their basement. Yeah. And we put a decent amount of money on the line.

Everyone was learning how to shuffle the chips and all that stuff. I loved that. I would do that right now. But the problem is once there's real stakes and people are real sticklers and stuff, then it's not fun. I liked it when it was like right now. But the problem is when, once there's like real stakes and people are real sticklers and stuff, then it's not fun. I liked it when it was like seventh grade and friends would be like, no, no,

no, no, no, you got a full, you know, nine, eight. I'm like,

yeah. And I fucking won with it. You piece of shit. Give me my chips. Right. Yeah. Not my fault. I don't know how to play.

And you don't really either. You just think you fucking found my pal. You fucking 12 year old. Like, come on. How'd you have that like i couldn't read you like no fucking shit you can't read anybody dude you can barely read a book he's a master of body language now yeah you think you're fucking uh what's his name and lie to me the british guy yeah i know i think that was he's in he's in reservoir dogs too but that was a great

show that was that we should put that on our list of canceled, right? I got one season one and done. I think it might have been two, but that was great. I loved that show. Awesome premise. So anyway, I think where I was somewhere going, though, is in the Barstool world, you gotta balance

both your real world and your Barstool world, and when they start to intersect, you've got to decide whether you're going to honor the real world and look like an idiot with a haircut or you're going to honor the work world. It's an important moment for Martin Mush. It is, and I think he made the right decision. Because also, here's the thing, too. The real world at Barstool, your real world and your job world, are very strongly connected, despite the fact that you

think they're disassociated. Now him a little bit more too, by the way. His name is not Marty Mush. I don't think he's as stupid as sometimes he may appear. So he's a little bit more... We're always entertaining. Sometimes we fucking just... I always say we just kind of

have our personalities and then we just lean into them a little bit more. So Marty's not the brightest guy and maybe sometimes he exaggerates that a little bit. That's just fucking called entertaining. But if you do something where you're like, this will fuck up my real world, but it might cost you your job world if you don't do it, well, you lose your job. That fucks up your real world pretty quick. I know. Marty was going to lose his job, but if every day he comes in, he's's like it's hell for him right where he's the butt of every joke or whatever or can't you know it's like all right guys i want to get back to like doing something else on pick central and all we can

talk about is my fucking hair so yeah that's gonna fuck with your real world much more and i think everybody needs to like respect that so yeah i mean listen marty if if he got away with this if that was a that haircut is satisfactory. So they didn't believe him. This is happening right now. They made him go back to the barber, take a three, and show that it's the right length. Okay, and was it? Yeah, I think so.

So bravo by Marty. They called bullshit on him. He went back. They put the three, the number three guard on because they didn't think that was low enough. Because like I said, so you know what this is? Whoever made the terms of the bet is an asshole. Yeah, they didn't know what a three is and they didn't know what it was going to look like.

This, Marty looks great. Marty got a new haircut. Great, I mean, whatever. But he's got a new haircut now and he satisfied the bet and so Marty wins. Marty is that guy who, like, these things just, they, you know, he's kind of Kramer-esque, where it's like it just worked out. This is what he does.

He said, I'm a hustler. I'm just like, I get in the problems, and I get out of them. You know, and so he wiggled his way out of this one. So congratulations, Martin Mush. You know who else is much like Marty Mush in the fact that he's an eccentric character with drama always swirling around him? Kanye West. Marty and Kanye interconnected.

Two peas in a pod. Kanye's at it again. And I bet you when Kanye proposed to Kim, he got her a diamond from Blue Nile. Because it doesn't matter whether you are just a regular cat or a guy like Kanye. BlueNile.com has beautiful diamonds and stones and jewelry that can range in price and will always be high quality. So whether you're just looking for a ring for your regular girl or it's Kim Kardashian, Blue Nile has got you covered. 100,000 ethically sourced GIA graded diamonds in every shape and size with endless selection that will help you get the ring of her dreams.

Now, sometimes we get product from advertisers. Yeah. Could we get a bag of diamonds. Could we get a bag of diamonds? Could we get a bag of diamonds? I just want them in the studio. Blue Nile. Where am I looking at? Blue Nile. I just want to hold a bag of diamonds one day. We would really be able to do this so much better if we had some product. If I could look and see what kind of cuts we're working with.

I bet they have all the cuts, but I'd like to inspect it. Those things where you hold the monocle with your eye I saw it on cut gems I know how it works I've always wanted a velvet bag with the pull strings

and you shake it and you pour them out and there's diamonds in your hands like villains pay for killings that's what you use you pour them out onto the little square, soft kind of tray. Here you go. And they are kind of cut in the perfect light reflex.

That's what Blue Nile's got. And you should send it over here if you want a perfectly well-done ad read. Jewelry experts are available via the phone or chat to talk to you about your experience. Because one of the most overwhelmed I've ever been is when you got to go down this road. It's like, I don't know anything about clarity and cut. And let me also just say my two cents. I'm not going to tell you to go get a piece of shit diamond, but get a big diamond and don't worry about the clarity as much.

Really? I mean think about it. Like there's the cut, the carrot, and the clarity I think are the three Cs, right? And like we're talking about things that you do need a fucking magnifying glass to see. And even if I did give you a magnifying glass, would you even know? Have you ever heard of a girl looking at a girl's ring and being like that looks a little cloudy yeah like that just doesn't happen now because it is an investment of some sorts you don't want to get a piece of shit but how often are you like are you gonna resell this no no dude i never even considered it because like i don't even know who has my

engagement ring from back like if you're ever selling an engagement ring stone, they know why. And they know you got you by the balls. So it's like, you're going to either bring this back home and have nothing, or you can give me pennies on the dollar. So the idea of it being like this investment where you want to get like the perfect clarity,

I think you should get some, you got to get the right cut. You got to get the right shape for her, some clarity, but then get size, which girls would rather have two full carrots or one that also is a little bit clearer that you can't even tell? I would take the full. Absolutely.

The full carrots, right? Yeah. When it comes to rings, I'm a size queen. Yeah. And spoiler alert, everybody is. This whole thing, to act like it's – the whole thing is materialistic and superficial. So go materialistic and superficial with it and get the big ring, the big diamond she wants. And it's much better to do it online because I've been part of it in store before.

And I was with my dad. And it was like I was in high school. Let's say I was a sophomore in high school. We just lost a big Christmas hockey tournament. And I'm driving home with him. And he's like, we got to stop and get your mom a new like he wanted to get her for Christmas like a new diamond ring

because when they got married like he didn't have yeah so he's like I want to get her like something nice

probably got her a small one right you know you're not gonna get her a big one and we were there I was miserable because we just lost

the tournament and I'm just sitting there for like six hours it was insane how long we were in there for and especially you know

if you're honest with yourself about guys like us like we know we're not really great with negotiating and haggling and they are you know you go to like seventh avenue you go to diamond district and like shlomo is is gonna like hustle you about the diamonds i'll end up paying you three times what it's worth absolutely man so just go to blue nile.com three times what it was on sale for your number was i'll go triple it yeah you say someone else was in here earlier? I'll take it. Give me two.

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who was proposing and just dropped it right in the fucking water. And they're all fake. I said that. Apparently this one was the real deal, because this was just a clumsy dude who, you could see that he was just panicked and like, oh, fuck. There was the one the other day where someone just threw it from like the back

of a boat. Yeah, that's stupid. Like 10 feet off. It wasn't even close. Not even close. There's a lot of fake. I just dropped the diamonds, but this one was real. And I mean, most times people don't, I don't think they get it insured right away because it's like, all right, she's going to be sitting in my top drawer. When I give it to her, that's when she's going to be wearing it and she goes

swimming. Really? You'll do that? I'm trying to remember when I got it insured. I really don't, going to be wearing it. And she goes swimming. Really? You'll do that. I'm trying to remember when I, when I got it insured, I really don't. I mean, I don't think it was like immediately. I go to a blue Nile.com promo code KFC and stop stress shop, stress-free and find your forever peace at blue Nile.com promo code KFC.

So Kanye is added it. Once again, first of all, Kanye did two things that I actually agree with, which is a lot for me. I have not agreed with anything Kanye said or done for a long time. But first was a tweet. He said, I think we've like passed like ships in the night with Kanye. Well, no, no, no.

I'm still out on him. But I just like this one. This one tweet I thought was just I just I can get down with this idea. He said, I know a lot of musicians are not allowed to say anything, but I can't be muted and I can't be canceled, so I'm going to say everything always. It's like, fuck yeah, yeah, just do it. You can't cancel crazy.

No. But also, I don't find crazy entertaining. Yeah. I used to love Kanye, obviously. And, like, I don't know i don't i guess i don't really care for his music anymore either but like his music's terrible i can you at least go back and retroactively say his i think we all agree like his new new music like jesus is king i don't think anybody can even like name a song off that no but do you like no i still like

yay i still which one's yay yay is the one i hate I hate being bipolar, it's awesome What's like the song on that? Fuck I like the one with fucking I put my hand on the stove just to see if I bleed or whatever There are a couple of good ones on that I don't know song titles but like

I could listen through Ye still, and it's very good but it's just You. But it's just, you know what it is? I used to like his personality. Yes. And when you have good music and good style and good personality and you're a little bit crazy.

Cool. When it's like your personality and your style and all that is crazy. Right. It's like your friend who it's like, yo, when he comes around, like sometimes we just have a wild night. And then other times times other times we're like it's just like that friend who every night's a wild night and you're like he's kind of the pain in the ass it's just too much where

it's like it's like if you have that ability to flip a switch and be like all right we're going fucking nuts tonight that's fun when you're a friend where it's like every night it's just a burden to hang out with him that's fucking too much and that's what kind of is now everything is just like all right you're and there's probably some actual mental health issues and it would definitely yeah um but like it's also just like an asshole yeah there are you can be both and it's also like you know what i don't think you're addressing them right i think you're just like letting them rage and as someone who did a long time of not addressing them i can also respect that i do believe that a lot of people think that, like,

especially if you're creative or you're a comic, that, like, you take your medicine and you're not going to be able to, like, you're not going to be funny anymore. You're not going to be creative anymore. And, you know, you just got to get over that because you can't be crazy. But, like, he's talking about, like, well, we're all slaves and we're all, like, always off the deep end, man. The NBA is all slaves.

And it's like, I don't like that feels racist. Yeah. Just cause they're mostly black. Like a lot of fucking money. It's always tough with me. I get the argument of like, there's white owners and they're like trading the black men,

but they also get paid like $40 million a year. So, uh, you know, not like, not like slave labor when it's highly compensated labor, even like, even, even the not so great guys. Even the seven men off the bench make $17 million.

Right. Oh, geez. He just tweeted. He literally just right now tweeted a video of him pissing on his Grammy Award. Like you see the stream of piss onto the megaphone Grammy Award. And he said, trust me, I won't stop. You know when his maid sees him going, it's like, oh, God damn. I'm going to go fish the fucking Grammy Awards. And he said, trust me, I won't stop. You know when his maid sees him going, he's like, oh, god damn it.

I'm going to go fish the fucking Grammy on the toilet again. Come on, Kanye. You also can just tell it's like, oh, he's off his meds right now. He's gone manic. So I don't know if I need you to be pissing on things and showing me your stream. How's his stream? Looked a little weak see that's the danger of pissing in a bowl with not a lot of water in it you gotta you gotta push

hard to get that i think it's just a just a stream i wouldn't say it's good i wouldn't say it's weak i think that's kind of a weak stream you think so yeah i think it's kind of a weak stream kanye's boy you are a streak you're a streak. You're a stream queen. I'm a stream queen. You're a size queen and a stream queen. I mean, remind me never to piss next to John or I'm going to have to like, I'm going to shit myself. I'm going to end up pooping trying to impress John with my stream. No, the stream's

a big deal. You gotta push hard for a stream. You gotta let him know you're fucking pissing next to a man. There's a guy over here. You want to fucking come kick in my door, you're going to fucking have an anaconda fight. i don't know why i'm southern in this but i am now he tweeted out he tried to tweet out his contract at universal because his big manic episode right now is all about how he wants to be freed from his record label and all artists should be and he tweeted out um a like just a picture of pdf files that you really couldn't read and i think someone told him that they couldn't read it so look at his his so that's what he first tweeted

right this is what he then tweeted oh that's all the actual contract screenshotted like every individual page of the contract which which I'm sure is interesting if you're like a contract lawyer or really into music, the music industry, you can go ahead and read this. But for me, this is the most annoying thing I've ever seen done on Twitter. I have no interest in that. I haven't followed Kanye like two weeks ago. I never followed him.

I followed him for like content, basically. What I do respect and do like is him putting up a goddamn moat around his house. He built that wall he has a full fucking like medieval castle wall around his house it looks like bin laden's compound it does it looks like i mean from what i know about bin laden's compound i saw in zero zero dark 30 but like i guess you're worried about paparazzi and stuff but that's like kanye are you he's in wyoming isn't that house in wyoming that looks like a house that i feel like that was like calabasas or some shit but i was like are you gonna be like under siege soon are you worried about like catapults assault on tributes or

whatever shooting uh maybe it is maybe it is wyoming yeah that looks like it's uh yeah it's ranch style house that's probably the wyoming house where it's just highly unnecessary you gotta hide from fucking paparazzi they own like 600 acres it's like ranch-style house. That's probably the Wyoming house where it's just highly unnecessary. I don't think you've got to hide from fucking paparazzi. They own like 600 acres. It's like you hid from them. You moved to Wyoming. That is the wall. So Kanye at it once again.

Just an asshole. Just an absolute asshole. It's not entertaining. Here's my question. When he used to have that one – my one favorite story is always that one at his wedding where he came down. Chopped the bar in half in his tuxedo, and then hammered two pieces of plywood on it and said, if anyone has a problem with this, they better have done something as artistically important as Yeezus in the last year. And that's such an outrageous, crazy person line. That's funny.

Yeah. That's like because it was like. Funny crazy. This is just annoying. This is just like not even really. Yeah, there's been. It looks That's like, cause it was like funny, crazy. This is just annoying. This is just like, not even really the, yeah, there's been,

it looks like, it looks like the lines for sure. It looks like exactly like the lines compound. It's funny. But here's my question. Kanye West is a young man, you know, like,

it's not like he's like an old man who's like on his deathbed. And we're like, you know, how long can we like do this for? Like, like I'm already tired of it when he did. Like I made a video about it, you went crazy, and it makes the news.

Eventually, it's just got to be like, this is crazy fucking dude. I know, I think he has reached a Manny Manny, Manny being Manny's saddest. Yeah, where he's like, it's Kanye, it's me and Kanye. It is not appealing to me. It's part sad, part just, yeah, we're going on this. It's white noise now. I've rode this ride a million times.

I know what it's like. There's a shred of interest in me with the music label here because I just think the music industry is always in flux because of technology and evolving markets and stuff like that. Like, where does it go? And him tweeting out all the, you know, there's probably some people who never saw what Universal puts in their contracts and shit. There's some interest there, but not really. I mean, for the most part, it's just like, shut the fuck up, dude. How about this? When does Kim divorce him?

How long does that relationship have? It cannot be much longer. I would guess not much longer. And it's because, I think, partly because he's becoming, like, a preacher and it's, like, making Kim dress certain ways. I saw that clip from, like, Keeping Up With The Kardashians last season, I think. He's like, why are you dressing like that? You're my wife. The audacity to tell

Kim Kardashian how to present herself. It's like, this is how I make my money, motherfucker. Dude, you have a line in the song about how your girl's got her own sex or like, girl's a star of her own movie or whatever it is. And now you're going to be like, well, you have to wear shawls.

You have to dress in my Sunday service wear. Get the fuck out of here, bro. Dude, I was watching that Paris documentary and Kim's in it for a little bit. At least I only watched like the first like quarter of it. So maybe she's in it a lot. But there's a clip that I just find fascinating of Paris walking into the club with Kim. And this girl rolls up and she's talking to Paris like can I get a picture and she's like yeah sure and she just fucking boxes out Kim like you are a fucking nobody yeah and everybody in the club

like Paris Paris look over here look over here and Kim just walking like with her arms linked with Paris it's her buddy she knows she's the famous one and then I would imagine what do you think at their peaks I think Kim is still bigger right I would imagine, what do you think? At their peaks, I think Kim is still bigger, right? I would guess so. It's hard to measure because who knows what Paris Hilton would have had follower-wise if she popped off. But she invented this shit. She's the OG. 100%.

I think Kim is probably bigger now because she stood on Paris' shoulders. But I think Kim is probably bigger. But Paris paved that way, man. She blazed that trail. She 1,000% did. I was actually surprised to see Kim admit it in that documentary. She's like, without Paris, I'm not here. It was funny.

She was trying to say it in a respectable way. She's like, Paris taught me how to be a rich, vapid whore. But Paris is an interesting one. I'd love to try to get Paris Hilton on here. I wonder if it's possible. She did a pizza review. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right.

She's also someone like a real conversation. Third highest grossing DJ right now in the in the in the clip. She said that she gets a million dollars in appearance. But then I Googled it and like her network said 10 million, which Internet lies and shit. I don't think that can possibly be right. She's got to be worth more than that. Well, she's 100% worth more than that. She's from her family.

And she said, and definitely, because she said this with no fucking hint of exaggeration or sarcasm. She's talking to her sister about trying to be happy and trying to date and slow down and take vacations and take time. And she says this. I will not stop until I make a million dollars. happy and trying to date and slow down and take vacations and take time and she says this just a fucking imagine the cockiness to say that that's Paris you're already a billionaire isn't yeah maybe not like her personally but also it's like you know she does seem like so overwhelmed and stressed it's like you're she does seem like so overwhelmed and stressed it's like you're good you don't need to make it to a billion but she said with a dead straight face

like i just gotta get to a billion and then i'll chill it's it's incredible it really is uh also incredible how little ass paris hilton has it's insane yeah i mean it goes i guess the family's only no they were worth 2.5 in 2011 so So I don't know. But that's your grandfather and your parents. You're a couple generations removed. But her back, it goes back, ass, back of knees all in a row. It is crazy. Which doesn't surprise me. Even though she's like a skinny white girl.

But boy, how do you sit down? Her assistant follows around with a pillow and just slides it under. But really just a deeper chick than you realize you know what i mean like i think all these people i always say with the kardashians like they make their money because there's more going on than just like i like to party and shit like because when you turn it into i have like 15 makeup lines and this and the other thing you know you kind of had your sights on that from day one and you were putting on a front and creating a character and all that shit it's like what we do like you were describing earlier except like to the fucking except there's a maximum but it is funny watching girl you know she said she said like what who am i gonna date

like find some guy who just like follows me around like a puppy dog and then i lose respect for them and they're emasculated by me and i have no interest and i was like oh boy there's a fucking blueprint right there that you've seen many times before dating Paris Hilton probably not the easiest of tasks I would I would guess it's probably the she's one of the hardest women to date I would think I would I would say like maybe

number one I mean even like her like when her sister is like Paris likes to just like sit on the couch and you know like eat leftovers and pet her dog she's like Homer Simpson basically it was like I don't think you know what Homer Simpson is. Not at all. If you're equating that to Homer Simpson, I don't

think you have any grasp of the real world. Of reality at all. I don't blame people like that. My grasp on the real world is loose at best, so I'm not going to really shame that. Trying to keep a girl happy in general is tough trying to keep you know a girl who's aiming for a billion is even harder oh that's

impossible but there is there is like a blueprint to it um on how to keep girls happy and there was a tiktok going viral that i found very interesting very funny and the thought of kind of reversing it to what makes guys happy kind of cracks me up. So what women want is brought to you by Peacock. Peacock is the new streaming service from NBCUniversal. Peacock, baby. What was that? Tracy Jordan has to do an ad read in 30 Rock about their new – I don't know if it's their new streaming service called Peacock or their new

something. It can't be streaming service. Is there a new something called Peacock? Maybe they've been planning this the whole time. I think, I think it, maybe it's just him coming to NBC and like, I'm at NBC now.

Proud as a Peacock baby. And they're like, why are you saying cock like that? He has to do like a hundred takes. Proud as a Peacock. I mean, they probably are proud of though. This shit is, I mean, the new streaming service has great entertainment all for free and uh i mean we've been talking about this

for months now back in like july when it first came out and uh we were telling you all about parks and rec in yellowstone 30 rock friday night lights Donovan. But most importantly, Peacock now has sports. And John, what kind of sports do they have, bro? Talk to the people and talk to them in the way that you always talk to them. It is Premier League season. Exclusive access to it. Okay? Just do the accent.

You know you're going to slip into it. Oh, well, guess what we got coming this season, lasses! We got the Premier League! It is fucking the best sport on the planet Earth! You have a couple of pints of Guinness, and you just go, lads! You go nuts for your lads!

Right this year, they got over 175 matches all streamed live on Peacock. It's got the exclusive streaming destination for the 2021 Olympics as well. You think Ireland's going to be there? I bet you they will, son. It is. There's nothing better than waking up in the morning and just rolling over at 7.30, 9.30, 12.30, doesn't matter what time, you just got soccer on. And it's just a beautiful, you got to be, no, it's soccer.

Oh, no, I was born in America. Just talk this way. And so you just got the best sport in the world, the best casual sport in the world to fucking just ease you into your Saturday. You'll watch a couple of big games. Watch the man city. Watch Arsenal. Like, that's fucking idiot.

Right. You got Liverpool. Got all the big tweets. You got, you got young Christian Pulisic over there in Chelsea now. Number 10. Right. Number 10.

Yeah. Big fella. Big strong. That's a big deal. That's like 23, right? He's a, he's a kid.

He's an American. No, they don't trust him much over there. Finally, we're going to have someone cross the pond and do well, we think, but it's, it's just the best thing to have someone cross the pond and do well, we think. But it's just the best thing. You ease into the day, and then you get your college football going after that.

But in the morning, Saturday mornings are for the boys and for Premier League. So get the best of streaming, the best of TV. You can watch it all for free and upgrade for more on your TV, tablet, or phone. Go to PeacockTV.com to download and start streaming now, last season, lads. This TikTok of this girl, this guy rolls up on his chick, and she's doing her makeup, and he's like, hey, you want to go shopping?

She's like, we can't go shopping. You know we can't go shopping. We have a kid. And he's like, I don't know. And he's talking to her like a dog. I was going to say, your girlfriend voice, your dog voice, your baby voice. Very similar. All right around the same tenor.

But this is almost like the patronizing, like I'm talking to a puppy or a child. They're like, hey, you want to go watch Bubblegummies? You want to go to bed? You want to jump on the bed, Shay? And he's like, do you want to go to Target? Do you want to go to HomeGoods? And she kind of like, you see her like the change in her demeanor. And she straightens up.

And the serotonin is like kicking in her brain. And then what about brunch? We'll go to brunch. We get you some mimosas. She's like, really? Really? And then we'll get pedicures. She starts putting away all her shit. She's like, and then what? And then what? Which, by the way, is ridiculous. He's laying out a great day and she's like, and then what? How many fucking things do I have to do for you? But he lays out shopping at Target and HomeGoods, the pedicures, the brunch with mimosas, and then Chick-fil-A with peach milkshakes. And that is what gets her rolling. And first of all, this guy's getting a lot of shit. Is he?

Barstool, you sons of bitches. They made the caption, what's this happening with No Sim September? Oh, fuck off. Fuck off. That's just having fun with a cool chick, I think. But all, well, it could be. I agree. I also think there could be a bit of an agenda here.

I think this is a solid move when you are like, well, I got to go away with the boys next weekend or I want to watch sports the next couple of days. So I'm going to preemptively roll out the red carpet for her to keep her happy. Oh, see, I don't think that. And maybe it's because I'm a little bitch, but I, like, first of all, this sounds like a fun day for me. Yeah, well, it's not. The home goods and the TJ and whatever.

It's terrible. I probably wouldn't love that. Maybe a pedicure brunch and then milk shakes at Chick-fil-A. It's like, who doesn't like that? I honestly just like the mimosas part. Yeah. That's all you throw down your legs. You're an alcoholic. And I'm like, I could have fun with that. But like, I also enjoy...

Heaven forbid you ever go get a pedicure. I've never gotten one. The poor woman who would have to work on them dogs. Those hobbit feet. I could see you sitting down for a pedicure and them having to go, well, do you want me to shave them too? That's never a good sign. I don't have hairy feet. Sure you sure you do i don't have hairy feet when i close my eyes and think

of what your feet look like i would picture i mean i'll fucking take my shoes and socks off right now you will be able to find it please don't please don't and uh but like i just i i enjoy being around people who are enjoying the day so i don't i don't even care what like if you're having fun in home goods i can have fun in home goods if you're home goods I don't even care. If you're having fun in HomeGoods, I can have fun in HomeGoods. HomeGoods, I don't know about. If you're bringing the excitement, I can have fun doing fucking anything. I can have fun doing anything as long as it's something you

enjoy and you're bringing that energy. If you drop me into HomeGoods, I'm not going to have a blast. If you drop me into HomeGoods with someone who loves HomeGoods, I can have fun for a little while. You're better than I am. Home goods to me is just the worst place in the world. Home goods looks like I don't know if I've ever been in one. I'm just imagining.

Home goods is just miscellaneous garbage all over the place. It's just like the baskets. There's all the baskets. And there's all these boxes and containers and frames and shit.

That's just like, these are just things. This is like, this is buying clutter to then bring to your apartment and have like in the way. But girls just let you, they do love like, you know,

and like, you know, it's like, uh, why don't you clean up the table? And they just take it and they just, okay, now it's clean.

You know what I mean? They just organize it. So it's like, we'll take all this shit and put it into a little box and they'll put the box over here. We'll put everything in like a frame. We'll put all these tchotchkes in a line and then it looks clean. But you're just signing up for more stuff to be in your apartment. And they're also the weirdest things where it's like, you ever see those things that

it looks almost like, you know, those like 3d balls that can like expand those toys. They have those kinds of things that like when they're all the way expanded out almost and i guess it's supposed to be like art or something that you just like have well i'm not just like shopping at home goods for art that's all but you know what i mean just like things to like there's no practice there's no use for them they're just like oh yeah that's like the giant sphere with the spike sticking out of it that we like have to look at no i i hate that shit i won't i won't that's all home goods is you won't like home goods i won't i won't deal with that. I could have fun with it in the store, but it's not coming home. I do not.

I guess I could be called a minimalist. I do not like things that are artsy looking just to say we have an artsy looking thing. Especially when they're from HomeGoods. That was 1999. It was like $17. Here's a stupid painting that they sold for $40, but it's a painting.

Fucking put that in a motel and get the fuck out of my face. Especially when you're buying paintings and it's like, well, that's going to be in everyone's house across America. You know what I mean? This is mass produced. It's not really like your art or represents you. That belongs in a Motel 6. That's not coming in my fucking bedroom. I'll tell you that right now.

The only thing I co-sign is the giant obnoxious globe from Sharp Image. Remember the globe bar? I do not fucking co-sign that at all. It's so bad. I think you're a piece of it. It's so bad. I like it. I want to see the globe and of course I love the sumo wrestler table.

That's like $1,000. From SkyMall. Not even Sharp Image. SkyMall. Your sense of self-worth is so low that in your office, you have to pretend you're in a CEO's. I'm just saying in your apartment, you have to pretend you're in a CEO's office. And it's like, guess what? No CEO has that. No. It's not since like 1950.

I mean, if you have the if you have the Globe Bar, you're such an asshole. I love you. Oh, no. Come on over. You open it up and you've got like shitty whiskey. Yeah. Also, what can you feel like six bottles of whiskey in there? It's so bad. No, no. Like, come on over, and you open it up, and you've got, like, shitty whiskey in there. Yeah, also, like, what can you feel? Like, six bottles of whiskey in there? Yeah, it was so bad.

No, you could get a fucking bar card. Just have it on display like all fucking normal people do. The globe, the bar globe. You're not some fucking fascinating dickhead because you have a globe. All that stuff. All that stuff I hate. There was one. I was looking at, like, furniture shopping the other day, and there was a painting hanging

up, and it was, like, it almost reminded me of, like, Da Vinci's helicopter sketch that we saw the other day, but it was a painting hanging up and it was like, it almost reminded me of like Da Vinci's helicopter sketch that we saw the other day, but it was a regular airplane and it was like, had like the fucking notes of like how fast, and I'm like what kind of fucking dickhead would hang that up? Or like, what, I pretend I like airplanes? I know what airplanes are? Like, don't I seem fucking artsy

and sciencey now? Fuck off, get real art. And I'm not saying like get like $80,000 art. No. Just get fucking regular pictures that you like. Individual things that maybe you found on your own. In a mass produced store that you think like that some fucking algorithm has created and like, yes,

people will like this because it makes them feel smarter. Fucking losers. Passionate about home design. That's home goods and Target though. See, I could have fun at home goods, walk around just roasting everyone who buys something like that. That I could get down with. Like, honey, let's go to HomeGoods and I'll make fun of you mercilessly and

roast everybody else in the store. You think that's going in the bathroom? Yeah, right. What would your day be if I came to you and I was like, Johnny, Johnny, what do you want to do? What do you want to do? What would I have to lay out for you to be excited? Oh, it's pretty easy, I think.

Yeah. My last Saturday would have worked. Let's go to the bar for, let's go to one place for 16 hours. Yeah, we got Liverpool at 12. And then we're going to have some brunch. We're going to have some, what do they have for brunch? Fuck, I forget. I wanted to get avocado toast. I just did steak and eggs.

So we'll do some brunch, steak and eggs, watch Liverpool. I was like, that sounds unbelievable. They win 5-4, 4-3, I forget. And then there's some college football on. But those are things that are just on TV. As far as what your girl would be providing you, it would be like, I'm just taking you to the bar. Yeah, that works.

That's what's so funny. And not that this guy was like, we're going to go to Paris to go to the Eiffel Tower, and then we're going to go here and there. But he was like, we need to go shopping, we need to take you to the nail place, then we need to take need to go shopping. We need to take you to the nail place. Then we need to take you to a restaurant. We need to take you to the other restaurant. You know, there's a lot of stops along the way.

I think the male version of these to get your man excited is always, I mean, much more simplistic. I can't imagine. I mean, I guess you could be like, you want to go to the driving range? You want to go to the, you want to go golf and then you want to go out on the boat. And you know, there are, there's probably a few stereotypical male already but yeah to me i think it would be like my world has shrunk so much since moving to new york we're like yeah if i had to be outside your 10 block radius yeah not interesting now but to be in the car like period in new york yeah well let's just let's just do it across the street yeah but we've never had

a bad time at this bar let's just go to that bar yeah and like why yeah you want to go to the east village why to go to a different bar that's like harder to get to or the one that's like right here i never understood that i always said like i really don't know that much about new york city outside of the neighborhoods i've lived in because like you don't need to leave other neighborhoods you can but why do i need to go to brunch in brooklyn when i can just go to brunch on the east side of manhattan what would yours be you're like well when i was in like when i was married if i was if i'm in a relationship and it's more about, like, what your girl can do for you as opposed to, like, if your buddy came to you, it's different. But I feel like back then, you know, it would be like, honey, do you want me to go out and just leave you here?

Really? Really? Yeah. I'll go, like, with my mom shopping shopping and you can just stay here and watch TV. And then what? And then I'll go. I'll go out with my girlfriends for dinner and you can stay here and order like, you know, Shake Shack and a cheesesteak and watch the game. OK, are you going to come home? No, I'll stay out for the night and you can stay home and masturbate till you fall asleep. Really? Oh, my God. Oh, my God oh my god oh my god let's do it let's do it you're gonna leave me alone for 12 hours for 24 hours amazing let's go i love it so yeah i mean i think that's the key to keeping your

man happy is to leave him the fuck alone you think so really you know once you're like deep into it you know there are definitely times where i'd like that but other times like what would you what yeah what would you like what would you do what do you do or what could you imagine you do you know, there are definitely times where I'd like that, but other times, well, yeah, what would you like, what would you do? What do you do? Or what could you imagine you do with your girl? That is like a date type of thingy that really would like get you going.

I don't know. I mean, but like I, that, that doesn't mean that you don't enjoy it, but there's nothing right. I feel like a lot of times it's like the girl plans that, and you go along with it and do it, or you're planning it and it's something that she likes.

I like when we go to weird museums. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I like museums. I'm a museum fella. Would that get you going? Would you be like, we're going to go to the museum? Like a weird museum.

We're going to the museum of sex? We're going to go to the... Nah, museum of sex doesn't do it for me. I'm like, okay, let's go, let's go. Museum of sex is full of a bunch of posers yeah I walked through the Museum of Sex

with Asa Akira it's a gift store you know what I mean it's not really a museum like hey you're in the Museum of Sex this girl like deserves her own wink

and none of you have been noticing posers you don't even like this if I walked through the fucking Museum of Natural History with Teddy Roosevelt you'd be like

what the fuck's he doing here right but here it is with Asa here I am in the Museum of Sex with Asa Akira this should be called the Museum of Asa.

You know what I mean? You're not even noticing. But yeah, I feel like in general, stereotypically, it's more like, you know, we're going to want to just like, I think that guys still like to do what they like to do when they're not in a relationship. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like girls, when they're single, we'll go out with the girls, they go to the bar, they

drink, they go to brunch, all that shit. And then when they're with a guy, they want to do, like, sometimes more datey type stuff. I think the guys are always going to want to just continue to do what they liked to do previously. I like doing datey things, but I also like doing the other things. Yeah. I just can't.

I don't think I would ever, like, pick those things, you know? Like, I'll do them, and we'll have fun. But I can't, like, picture, like. Like, I know you're anti. I know you're big anti- you're big anti outpicking yeah i'll go out right for sure i mean i would never i'll hit a pumpkin patch i'll do it as fuck man yeah i'll do it i did it with my kids i will do it if i'm like you know in love with this girl and she really likes it but it's not i'm i'm doing it just to make you happy and i will make the best of it but i'm not like but but that's kind of back to what I – would I go alone? No.

But kind of what I started with saying where it's like, if you're going to have fun there, I'm going to have fun. It's like if I take a dog, it's like, this is the fucking best. I love the beach. I'm like, me too, dude. This is amazing. Let's go fucking fetch. Let's go throw balls and jump in the water.

I wouldn't go to the beach alone, but when I take a dog to the beach and Maddie's having the time of her fucking life. You take a dog to the beach and you're playing fetch. It's like, who's taking who? Who's the one really playing here? Who's playing fetch? I'm not going to go to the beach by myself and just throw a tennis ball and run after it, but if we're doing this together, I'm going to have fun.

It's funny you say that. When I was in Bradley Beach, there was this old man. He was probably like 65, 70, and he had this cool toy. It was like a dude on a surfboard probably like this big like a foot long that was weighted so that it always like flipped over and he would just throw it like this like underhand flip it right into like where the waves break and it would flip up and it would surf in and he just did that by himself there's no dog getting this toy oh no no oh i thought that was coming at some point the ocean was fetching it for him and we just did that by himself. There's no dog getting this toy. Oh, no, no. Oh, I thought that was coming at some point.

The ocean was fetching it for him, and the waves would bring it back in, and he would take it and throw it, and then he would sit there with his hands on his hips and his big, like, beer ball belly and just did it for hours. I could have fun doing that. Yeah, I could have fun doing that.

At first, I was like, this is weird. Like, where's your grandkid? Where's your dog? But then I was like, this is probably pretty, like, soothing. Yeah. Like, that's his, you know, that's, like, this is weird. Where's your grandkid? Where's your dog? But then I was like, this is probably pretty soothing. That's his, you know, maybe he doesn't have a dog anymore. That's how he plays fetch. That to me is like throwing a ball off the wall and you're just in rhythm. But I was like, I think I'm going to do this.

Yeah, I could see that. Get a little high or get a little drunk and hit the beach at sunset and just throw this thing. Because again, if you're just standing there, it's funny how you need just, like, something to do. Water in general. It's like, hey, man, do you want to just, like, sit next to each other, like, in a circle and, like, talk and drink? Like, no. That's a little weird.

Do you want to, like, go sit by the beach and have a drink? Yeah, that's a thing. Do you want to hang out by the pool? You need, like, a body of water. Or in the winter, it's like you want to just sit by the fire. Now all of a sudden you're doing something. If that guy was just like standing on the beach, you'd be like, what are you doing?

But he's just got a little activity to keep him occupied while he thinks about life. He's all by himself. So all of a sudden I'm making up this, he's a widower, and he lost everyone he loves, and he just liked to play with the fucking surfing thing. But I was like, I think I can get down with this. And so that would be it. Hey, honey, you want to go to the beach and just throw, all by yourself, and you can just throw to play with the fucking surfing thing. But I was like, I think I could get down with this. And so that would be it.

Hey, honey, you want to go to the beach and just throw, all by yourself, and you can just throw this thing in the water and it'll come back to you and you can keep doing it for a couple hours? Do I do what? Do you do that a lot where you create stories for people? Yeah, at the beach I think I was doing that a lot. Yeah? Yeah.

I don't do that a lot, actually, which surprises even me because I do like to just create stories. Yeah. And I don't really, like – Yeah, I'm always, like, how long has that couple been together or, like, what's this guy's story or – I'm very – because I like privacy being left alone so much. That you won't even concoct. I give it to other people.

Yeah. I won't even – like, it happens with my girlfriend all the time. She's a big eavesdropper. She's like, can you believe what they're saying? I'm like, I didn't even know there was anyone else here. Girls just love the gossip. I didn't know that they were, like – like, there was a dinner's like, can you believe what they're saying? I'm like, I didn't even know there was anyone else here. Girls just love the gossip. I didn't know that they were like, like,

this was dinner like two nights ago. She's like, they are in the middle of a messy divorce. And it's like, like, it was a girl who was in the middle of a divorce with like her two lesbian friends and the lesbian friends

just couldn't fathom the idea of a divorce. And they're like, why don't you just like, why doesn't everyone just like sign a paper and like go away with their money? Yeah, I know. She's like,

she's like, that's a prenup. That's a thing. But they didn't sign it, it seems. And it was like, I honestly couldn't have told you one word that they'd said because I focus on me. Yeah. I'm very locked in in this bubble, which is probably bad. No, I think that's good. I think, well, I mean, you know know probably there's bad to all extremes but i think that like anybody and usually it does seem to be girls who get like too into gossip or other people's business it's like it's one thing if you're watching tv or whatever but you start meddling in your friend's

shit or getting involved and it's like that's why we're always just like nope i don't know i'm not gonna i'm not gonna tell somebody if i know they're cheating i'm not gonna tell you what to do don't tell me anything about your relationship i'm not not going to try to make you break up. Yeah. The more I know, the worse. The less I know, the better. That's the other thing you always have to remember is when you hear gossip or when you're talking, your friends are always telling you the bad times. They're never going to call you up and be like, Brian was so sweet to me tonight.

They're going to be like, oh, my God, he's such an asshole. And you're going to hate him. And you're going to say you should break up with him. But you don't know about all the other times that he's treating her good. So just mind your business. Easy. Mind your's do am i the asshole we'll get into our voicemails and we got cal penn on the show today who is quickly becoming if not already has become my one of my favorite celebs out there one of our favorite guests just a he he needs to be more front and center because he's a super smart dude who can convey

it to you in like dumb terms he's a regular guy you know he started with like the the white castle howling kumar go to white castle so he can do like the funny dumb hangout shit but he's also just like incredibly educated and that's the missing link that's why we're going for the white house very surprised what his answer was. If you could work for the president, what job would it be? It's not the job he had. I already had one. But that's the missing link in society. It's like I know about all the smart people shit, but I can relate to the dumb people.

So I'm going to – he should be president. Cal Penn for president. All right. So let's do some M on the Ass. It's brought to you by Roman. I told this on KFC on Mail Time. I bought 23, a pack of 23 of those dick swipes. Really?

Whole fucking big box of them. They came in a pouch, like a non-disposable pouch. I now have like a dick swipe pouch. That's like, I guess I'll just load my dick swipes in there if I ever have to like on the go. I don't know. Like a fanny pack? Kinda. It's not like that. It's not as big, but it's almost like a mini dop kit if you will it's

like this is my dick swipes pouch it's crazy uh but these swipes are that good they make your dick last longer they make sex last longer and uh it's as simple as you open them up you rub it on it numbs you up a little bit you can still feel it and enjoy it but it's gonna help you last longer it's gonna train your dick to last longer even on the nights you don't have the swipes your partner's gonna be happy you're gonna be happy you're gonna get to pull off all those moves that you had in your mind but you didn't last long enough to do it's like oh yeah and then i'm gonna flip you over then i'm gonna put your hand here and then i'm gonna put your leg there and i'm gonna throw you in the fucking air like a pizza pie and then we're gonna do this and that

and then what happens is you come during missionary and it's over uh but not with the swipes not with the swipes i said i did a little math i said like i think i think the number was 23 for some reason but whatever let's just say it's 20 20 swipes ordinarily i would give you about seven minutes of sex 140 minutes of total sex i'm gonna i'm gonna go ahead and say i'm gonna double that i think you will i would double it so i think i'd go to 280 minutes of sex with all my new swipes. That's a lot more. That's a huge. 280 minutes.

280 minutes is like that's got to be weeks, right? That's like at least a James Cameron movie worth. I mean, come on. I'll fuck you all through Avatar, okay? So go to GetRoman.com slash KFC, and you can get your first month of swipes for just $5. It's great. You put that in, and it says the normal price is $20-whatever,

and then it just goes like, boop, $5. And it's just like, wow, that's basically free. $5 is $0. $5 is absolutely $0. Anything less than $20 is free. Pretty much. And it's getting to the point now, in big picture stuff, anything less than $100 is free.

I mean, I guess it just keeps going like that, where it's just like, if I get $1,000 now, I'm like, ah, awesome. If I got $1,000 years ago, I'd be like, I'm rich. And eventually it gets to the point where $1,000 is just like $100. And $10,000 is just like $1,000. Yeah, it's like a drug. Money's a drug. Right.

You're always just chasing more. It's the worst. GetRoman.com slash KFC. Get those swipes for just $5 when you choose a monthly plan. That's GetRoman.com slash KFC. Am I the asshole number one today oh we'll do the one okay am i the asshole number one today uh this is actually a reader submission so we are very grateful to the am i the asshole reddit page and the twitter

account because we've gotten a lot of great material from them but uh here's an original so am i the asshole this girl she's uh been, but here's an original. So am I the asshole? This girl, she's been a listener for a long time. She says, am I the asshole for getting pissed at my boyfriend for going to a strip club on a Tuesday during a global pandemic? Just moved in with my boyfriend. Long story short, he helps run a satellite office for a larger company. When his owners come to town, they go to a nice dinner and a strip club happens once a quarter. It's not my favorite thing, but it is what it is.

Men are animals. I'm not going to make a big think about it however flash forward to the fact that we now live together this time he's in town uh didn't even cross my mind that they would go i go to sleep at 9 30 like i'm the old lady that i am i wake up at 1 30 no text no update i shoot over a are you alive text i get back a text at 145 saying yes i'm on my way 2 30 rolls around he gets home obviously shit-faced i wake up and ask where were you and he says the club i'm instantly a little grossed out and then very grossed out after thinking about it's a global pandemic motherfucker what are you doing i proceed to go to bed he gets in bed i say don't you want a shower he just grunts so i do the polite thing i don't bitch about it i go to the couch this motherfucker follows me for a few minutes after a few minutes jumps on the couch and tries to cuddle

i jump up and say i just want to sleep separate no arguing no use in arguing this state at this hour um my two questions are am i the asshole for being for considering being a bitch about this furthermore since we live together during a pandemic do I have the right to have a say in what I'm comfortable with him doing and not doing? No and yes. So no, you are not the asshole for being a bitch about this. You're not the asshole. But yes, and yes, you do have a right?

Yeah. So you're on her side totally? I think so, yeah. Okay. I think, obviously, in regular times, I think, first of all, if you come home to your girlfriend after strip club, it's just common courtesy to shower. No matter what. I'll be honest. I guess I've never done that.

I just don't think I would think. I've definitely never done it, but I. I just wouldn't think to do that. Because I just, I'm not like a germy guy. I'm not like covered in a pussy. No. But I actually, I come home, like, when I come home late, I usually just shower. You probably should do it, you know, if you're at a crowded bar

And shit people are up against you I mean, I guess obviously this is a little bit further But it's not like she's like squirting on you or something I would hope not Are you in Tampa Bay? I don't know Are you in West Virginia getting some milk? I would say that you have Absolutely a right to be like, dude, you can like.

Well, here's what I said to her. Strip clubs are just much closer contact. When I go to a bar, like the bars, they have plexiglass between me and people. I'm not like making like hard contact. Well, my first thought I said to her, let's be honest. Are you upset about the pandemic? Are you upset that your boyfriend was shit-faced on a tuesday at 2 30 in the morning at the strip club because i could see this being much more about you're out and i'm home and you're partying and you're at strip clubs and you're just using the pandemic as like and also

you know she swore to me that like she's like i i'm pretty cool with this stuff like like i said he does it like you know once a quarter i get it it really is just like the pandemic because in that case like i i still think then like you probably this almost should have been a conversation like you know you we you can't go out we're gonna live together i have i'm scared of this you can't go out period you shouldn't be going out with your boss or anybody i feel like if that if you're really that upset about the corona portion of it this would have been like you wouldn't even go from the start or it would have been a fight before you even went i think all of a sudden i think you can go to bars you can go to restaurants you can go to uh fucking supermarkets and shopping and all that shit i think a strip club is a bit crossing a lot and and it's like

science might prove me wrong but it has a different feel to it yeah no it definitely does have a feel whether or not it's true, who knows? But I would just think if it truly is corona-related, you would have been fighting at 9.30 when he went out, period, knowing that he always goes to dinner in the strip club, you know? Yeah, I would have thrown out there, but you're not going to a strip club. Right, because I think it's more like you wake up at 1.30 and you're like, fuck, he's not even home yet. And that's when girls usually get mad, whether it's pandemic,

whether it's strip club, whatever, work, friends, who knows. I think that's when you usually get mad whether it's pandemic whether it's strip club whatever work friends who knows i think that's when that you get in trouble for just being out and being a drunk guy and all that shit but she but also like i will be mad if i was like didn't get an update and like i fell asleep at 9 30 woke up at 1 30 and no one's home would you would you get mad at your girlfriend i'd be mad it's like uh i would i would send that exact text like are you alive like i don't know like just be like be like, yo, I'm staying out. Word. Yeah.

I feel like I've gone so. I think it's actually different with a girl. So I'd be like, are you fucking. Are you okay? Like, are you fucking actually alive? Well, that's what's different is like with a guy, you can, it's actually genuine concern usually. I think more often than not, girls are not actually concerned. They're more like, where the fuck are you?

And why didn't you check in? And that kind of shit. Yeah. But I mean, I guess so. They're more like, where the fuck are you? And why didn't you check in? And that kind of shit. Yeah, but I mean, I guess so. You're probably right. There's probably a little bit of both. And there's a little bit of both in mine too. But it's more, mine would largely be based on like, dude, are you dead? I've gone so far.

Are you in a fucking alley right now? Where the fuck are you? Yeah. I went so far, you know, I hated such an issue with me was checking in and being like keeping tabs on me and never trusting and all that shit that i like grew to resent like it's so much easier to just send the like hey like i'm at the bar or whatever like just check in you know but i grew to resent that so much because it came from a place of like i'm not a fucking child you're just doing this again not out of concern it was more just you know a jealousy thing or a control thing or whatever

but i remember like when we would go to saloon days my my brother or like my roommate's job whoever i was with at the time was like make me just send like the check-in text because i i think you should be able to just be like i'm going to the bar i'll come home when i come home and if this was 1995 there wouldn't even be a way to check be like, I'm going to the bar. I'll come home when I come home. And if this was 1995, there wouldn't even be a way to check in. Like that's where the cell phone becomes like this, you know, the old,

the proverbial ball and chain where it was like, I'll be fine. I'm going out and I'm going to come home. And I don't want to have to check. Cause also, by the way, I hate when it's like, all you have to do is check in. It's like,

no, I check in. And then you ask me a million questions. And then we have to have like an argument or a discussion. And it's not just the check-in. If it was just a, like you said, yo, I check in and then you ask me a million questions and then we have to have like an argument or a discussion. And it's not just a check in. If it was just like you said, yo, I'm out word. OK, all good. But in my experiences, the check in always becomes like shooting myself in the foot. I'm going to reach out to you so that you can get mad that I'm at the bar. So I'm going to do it. Right. You know, I'll just deal with that tomorrow because I'm having a good time now.

So I think I kind of what I told her was like, I think it's an opportunity to maybe not, especially if you just moved in together, because I think guys do kind of value their freedom and whatever, and you give up a lot of that when you move in with someone. I think it's an opportunity to be like, I'm not going to like, we're not going to make this a big fight, but like, A, I thought that was like a little gross. B, thought you could have maybe checked in and like,

see, like next i think don't do that again i think a check-in is different at like if i go to the bar at noon and like a check-in at 4 p.m but like if i'm gone late night past like a reasonable hour or like if you've woken up in the middle of the night i think a check-in at that point is fine i think i think if you're like oh it's 7 p.m where are you i don't know i'm fucking doing shit yeah right that's probably crazy if you've been to bed and you've woken up in the middle of the night, like, first of all, you don't really have your whole shit together. You don't know what time it is.

You don't know. Where the fuck is he? You know, if you've fallen asleep and woken up, even if you fell asleep for a nap, you're like, wait, where are you? Like, I've hit REM cycles. I've done a whole, I basically had a second day almost now. Yeah. I think that at that stage of check-in is fine and it probably

warranted because but but also i feel like in this situation once it's already happened i don't think in any in any fight in any problem i don't think there's much use in holding a grudge and or doing the silent treatment or whatever for something that's you can't it's not an ongoing thing it's done it's over if there was like a problem that arose from it that I have to fix, then like, fine, we'll talk about it. But I think it's much better to have a constructive, be like, what's, what's going to happen going forward? You know, I'll let you know that I'm pissed off.

You're going to hear it a little bit. You're gonna be in the doghouse, but more so like, how about next time we do this, that and the other thing. And then, then, then next time I thought you're gonna let it rip. Yeah. You know, cause it's like, we just moved in. There's some ground rules and then you break it again now now you're gonna get the wrath i think that's fair yeah am i the asshole number two uh this one just caught me this is from the account and i thought just had a just a great title am i the asshole for telling

my dad to shut up about the panties which by the way is a great scene in new girls the panties you know what i'm talking about panties why are you saying it like that and then coach is like you gotta say like a black guy panties the panties the panties my wife and i had to move in with my parents there's so many of those that we've read uh from quarantine everybody moving back in with parents it's a recipe for disaster but there's a lot of tension my mom and wife do not like each other. Now, I get that this makes my wife look bad, but she saw something on YouTube and decided to put a pair of panties in my parents' bed to see if my mom would think that he was cheating.

I'm assuming the dad. Well, it didn't. Yeah. Yeah. Horrible idea from Jump Street. Well, it didn't work, and they knew it was her my dad picked the panties up to throw them away and i guess they were wet he ran out of the room screaming insulting both of us he called her some really vile names and almost kicked us out

that was three days ago and he won't let it go my mom is mad that my wife tried to break up their marriage which is more more reasonable but my dad is to break up their marriage, which is more reasonable, but my dad is just hung up on why they were wet. He called my wife a nasty animal and told both of my siblings and their partners about it. Today, I lost it and just screamed at him to shut the fuck up about the underwear. Am I the asshole for telling my dad to shut up about the panties? Yeah, for sure. Three days? Bro, if you put wet panties in my bed wait so she oh he's the asshole for yes okay yeah he's the asshole the dad is not the correct bro

if you put fucking wet panties in my bed and i have to touch them and i find out that they're wet and by the way this whole thing was a prank to get me and my fucking old wife mad at each other i'll fucking kill you yeah i'll take those panties jam them down your throat so you can't breathe anymore dude that's fucking insane insane you're an absolute actually how fucking like entitled or close do you think you're no one is that close to me no so like fucking try and break up my relationship by putting fucking fake panties or real panties but like i don't know your stage of cheating and guess what hate to be that guy but what you look like really I don't know, you're fucking gross. And guess what? I hate to be that guy, but what you

look like really matters. Because I'm assuming they're your panties. And if you're fucking fat and ugly and I touch your fat, ugly, wet panties. And we know how some used panties come. We talk about that quite often, the camel spit. I'm fucking furious. Three days. Forever. Three years.

Three decades. Yeah, get divorced now or break up now because it's fucking, guess what? I'm never shutting the fuck up all the time you tried to sabotage my marriage. That's to me the worst thing. First of all, there's a chance. Who knows? Pranks like this don't fly.

What if they did have some issues with infidelity and she said something like, if I ever catch this again, we're done. And maybe in the moment, I hate pranks because you could you could have eventually revealed it was a prank but what if that wife in the moment said some things that you can't take back yeah oh yeah well i fucked your brother last week and then it's like well now the whole marriage is fucked so that to me is the number one problem but then the execution and just like all of it i saw this thing on youtube i thought it'd be funny drop dead yeah i'm gonna try to break up your marriage. Drop dead. I saw this thing on YouTube.

I'm going to the hood to step on Jordans. Right. You should get punched in the fucking face. Fuck off, you dumb idiot. You have absolutely no originality, no cleverness, no humor. You're a goddamn dumb shit. You just put some wet panties in the bed. And then, yeah, maybe she probably just dipped them in water or whatever.

But, like, you grab these and you feel like they're wet. And you feel like you got some fat chick's fluids all over you over you you're lucky that he didn't punch you like it wasn't violent you're very lucky you're still allowed in the house shut up about the panties are you kidding me shut up about how about you just fucking get out of my goddamn house you're an adult fucking spouse fucking pandemic's not over but like we're done with quarantine so why don't you go the fuck back to your place get the fuck get the fuck out of here. By the way, let me see. Rope boys. But why were they wet? And he says, my wife denies that they were wet, so I don't know what to think.

That was a further comment. I think I'm going to trust your dad on that one, you dumb fucking assholes. So entire family, go fuck yourself. No, that couple, go fuck yourself. Here's one that is. Also, is also like you like oh you told my siblings yeah don't fucking course i tell everybody something insane happened in their house i'd write i'd write like a letter to the local paper here's one that's uh going around making the rounds a little bit but break it out of the mi the asshole bubble is this a fun one i

like this one am i the asshole for wearing the same outfit every day despite my girlfriend's wishes we are in our 20s in the united states i don't care much for fashion i haven't bought new clothes in a long time and mine were starting to be worn out and old i decided to donate most of my clothes buy a new simple wardrobe i found a pair of pants and a shirt that i like i bought seven copies of each they are neutral looking high quality and they mean i don't ever have to worry about whether my outfit doesn't match or whatever my girlfriend is unhappy with this. She knew I was replacing my wardrobe, but apparently I did not tell her exactly how I intended to replace it.

She says I look like a cartoon character, but I don't. The outfit is normal and looks good. She says I'm going to embarrass her and myself. I am somewhat offended by her words. I know she likes shopping and fashion, and I would never think to criticize what she wears. I am not intending on going out and buying more clothes until these get worn out. I work at Barstool Sports. My name is Trent Ryan, and I feel like if I can do this at work that she should.

I mean, this is the full-blown Trent. This is the khakis and the black sweatshirt. And I think I don't think anybody's the asshole. Because I do look like a cartoon character it is straight Simpsons it is Doug Funny you're going to look the same every day I think that's a little unorthodox

and a little weird it's absolutely unorthodox right and I think when you're a single guy and you're Trent it's awesome it's like you do what you want you're a single guy

you wear whatever you want it works with Trent because of who Trent is and he's also right he's a nice guy and it fits his persona. But also he's in content. He's in entertainment in a sense where if you just did this, if you're like an accountant

and you did it, I think it's a very different thing. I agree. Trent always kind of dressed like that and then kind of leaned into it because kind of and now it's perfect. But like if you're just, you know, like I go, I teach Zoom classes and like this is what I wear every single day. It's like Trent is like him doing it is interesting someone else doing it is boring what do you think about when steve jobs did it same thing like he's such an eccentric cat yeah

yeah and he also made it like you know he he got cocky with it and it was like his look right the black turtleneck is his you know um but i think i think it's weird but also like if you're a single guy and this is just how you choose to do it, I mean, to some extent, I don't do this, but there was a time where I had – like right now, I could have every Cuts t-shirt, and granted, those are different colors, so I am mixing it up a little bit. But if you gave me jeans, a Cuts t-shirt, and a zip-up hoodie jacket, I could wear that every single day.

You could, but it's not interesting. It's not interesting. If your girl was dressing the same thing every night you went out with your friends, you'd be like, babe, you want to switch it up with anything? Because also like your friends would be like, oh, like Kevin, he's coming with his girlfriend who's going to wear fucking jeans and a pink top.

Well, I do think that's, I do think the X factor here is when you are now with somebody and like it or not, your appearance and everything you do is kind of intertwined and reflects on them and whatnot and you know if you're a guy and this is and a girl you know girls again stereotypically speaking are gonna they usually want to like change your appearance a little bit and maybe make you eat healthier or whatever and this is gonna fall under that umbrella you're the extreme example um but like if it depends on what the outfit is if this guy said he's like

it's pretty stylish i've picked like they're simple colors but it's like a stylish shirt like if this guy what if it was just like a a really nice pair of jeans and like a button-up shirt from like a stylish place ridiculous and it's absolutely ridiculous i don't think it's that ridiculous i think what and so it's a button up you're wearing the same fucking well i only meant to be like it's not like he's a slob. If he's picking clothes that are like somewhat put together. If my girl every day wore like, if she was hot and she wore like a body suit with jeans and like a black leather jacket every time it went out, I think I'd be okay with that. I don't think I'd worry about her.

But that's not every time you go out because that is a pretty standard going out outfit. This is what she wears every day. I don't think I would have, I think it's weird again but i wouldn't be like i would definitely embarrassed or any of that it's like any delicious meal like that's an awesome outfit that's a chick looks hot as shit in that but like i don't know like sometimes i want a fucking pizza sometimes i want cheeseburgers and i want steak sometimes i want but if but if she was like jelly on wonder but if she told you like you know the anxiety of freaks me out and I just want to keep it simple and I really – this, like, helps me or makes a difference for me, would you still have a problem with it? It wouldn't be a problem.

It would just be – But you wouldn't like it. I would get bored. Yeah. Because obviously I'm different. Obviously I like getting dressed and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. But, like, I would just be, like, this is – I would find it – it's almost like with anything where, like, you can do what you want, but, like, you got to have, like, I don't know, you have to have, not even, it's not even ambitious.

You have to have the desire to impress. Like, not just me. I mean, the world. Like, you want to show them something. It's like almost being ambitious. Yeah. Right? Like, you want to, don't even be like, this is me forever.

But isn't that kind of a preference? Isn't that just like a, you know, you do, you have that. I don't think that I'm impressing with my clothes. I impress other ways. I worry about other things. Yeah, but I don't know. It's just, it's everything you got. To me, it just shows a total lack of effort.

Like, are you, like, your anxiety is that bad? Well, but if, yeah. Then maybe we need to get you on medicine. But it's just because you value this. Because if you have such anxiety, you can't put on clothes. Like, it's effort to you because you value it. But, like, if it's not something, you know, if I – what about your shoes? You know, me and you both have a lot of sneakers, but, like, me, the extreme.

But if I was like, you're going to wear the same sneakers, like, every time you go out? It's like most people really only have, like, a couple pairs of shoes. What if I was like, you've got to have, like, more in your rotation than that? It's like – But even a couple pairs of shoes is that's a lot like this this guy i would guess has one because he has one outfit yeah but but i mean i guess you're saying it has to be the extreme of like only one only one if you don't if you're not huge into getting dressed that's fine whatever but like if you just like like i only wear one outfit well that's i'm

gonna get sick of that i'm just gonna tell you wear one outfit. I'm going to get sick of that. I'm just going to tell you right now. I'm going to get sick of that. I'm going to find you boring, and that's going to be the end of it. You think that would be like you would break up over it? Probably. Because I think it's something like you can be like, yeah, I don't like this, or I did get bored of it. But I don't know.

Are you going to break up with someone if everything else is perfect, and they're just like, I just don't care about style as much as you do. And I just like this one thing and it works and I'm going to stick with it. You'd be like, you're done. Dude, I judge outfits. We said it with Maria Taylor on the thing. Like, I judge outfits. I like I like it.

I don't like him eccentric. I like him weird. I like him standard. They're all fine. I don't have a specific genre I like, but I'm always judging outfits. Like girls, guys, don't come over. I'll be like, what? All right. That's what you want with today I like, but I'm always judging out. It's like girls, guys, they'll come over and be like, what? All right. That's what you went with today, huh?

And I'll do it internally. I'm not going to do it externally. But I'll be like, boy, interesting choice today from you. In fact, I wish I wasn't at dinner with you. That's happened a lot of times. I don't like you. I'm like, I wish you weren't sitting at the table with me because you're bringing me down. I think I would be okay with it if you didn't make it a thing.

Like, I don't even know how long it would take. You would notice right away. I don't even think I would notice if, like, obviously the same thing. But if you switched up colors a little bit or if there was a slight variation, I don't even know if I would. But once I know, I can't put that in the last part. Yeah, right, right. It's just in your head. Last one here.

You want to do Dr. Phil or Scrabble? Scrabble. Am I the asshole for saying that an Indian girl was cheating at Scrabble? I'm 23, girlfriend 23. She has this Indian friend called Priya. Quote, it's a fake name. Priya came to my English-speaking country, relevant later, a year back to study. My girlfriend absolutely adores her.

Priya became her best friend. I'm english literature she's doing science recently she invited my girlfriend to uh and i to her place um and we made a bunch of it indian food and got some wine i ate well the food was good having a good time yeah yeah this is all extra details we played scrabble i was really excited because i knew i would decimate them both easily. We play, and as the game progresses, it wasn't me who was leading, but Priya. She was making these huge words like maladies? M-A-L-A-D-I-E-S?

What does that mean? Illnesses. And ostensibly. I was pretty sure she was cheating. She got up mid-game to go to the bathroom and spent three minutes in there. I'm pretty sure she was googling words in there. So when she came out, I jokingly said I knew she was cheating, and she asked me what I was talking about.

I told her I know that she's cheating and that it's impossible for someone who's literally only lived in India all the time to be so good at Scrabble and to have an extensive English vocabulary. She didn't say anything to defend herself but just laughed and told me that she wasn't cheating, and we eventually finished the game and went home my girlfriend was extremely upset with me and told me i embarrassed her when i told her i was being honest and that there was no way priya could have beaten me without cheating she told me that i'm a racist and she's reconsidering her relationship with me so am i the asshole i mean things get in games get heated heated couple game

night is a bad idea sometimes you got to play that with your close friends because shit gets complicated and it gets competitive and apparently it gets racist but i mean like i don't i i don't know bro you can't see this crap you don't even know what letter i mean i guess if you look at your letters then run to the bathroom and start definitely cheated at word of friends when you know your letters yeah because you're you know you get your letters you're you're here you're not next to each other i mean unless this girl goes to the bathroom every time she's like getting new letters it's pretty hard to just google words right i mean actually you know what there probably is like a scrabble

generator and maybe if you do know your letters you could get that one round but i think it would be pretty clear if like one set of letters you banged out and then the next. And by the way, you have eight letters, whatever it is. You Google a bunch of words. You use like four or five of them. Unless you go back to the bathroom and keep cheating. Then you'd be able to tell. And also, I've fucking seen the World Spelling Bee Championships.

It's all Indian kids. That was my main point here. It's... Indians are the best spellers in the world in English words every year, year in and year out. It's... It's like being like, how did this fucking Kenyan beat me in a marathon? That's what they do, man. I don't know, man, but I just know every time I've ever watched the script Spelling Bee, there's an Indian kid who's not that happy who won.

That's it. Whose parents are sitting in the audience like... Yeah. Good. I guess. Good, fine. You didn't spell it fast enough. I don't know. I mean, I think they speak a variety of languages in India.

But they speak English pretty much all over the world. And also, even if an Indian person didn't speak English, I think they would still learn how to spell words in English just to be a good speller. That's just what they fucking do, man. I don't know what speed they're allowed to pronounce it. I can spell it, though. I do appreciate this guy being like, I'm geared up for Scrabble tonight because I'm going to decimate my girlfriend and her Indian

friend. Let's go. Because this fucking guy is an English lit major. He knows the only thing that is going to bring him in life is Scrabble victories. Yeah, like this is the I'm supposed to spell ostensibly not you. Fuck, I got nothing here. The only thing that this fucking major could possibly

bring me, the only joy it could ever bring me in life is Scrabble. And you're taking even that from me, Priya? I do love Scrabble. I do love Scrabble, and I don't like to lose in it. But I think even if you are pissed off and losing and think someone's cheating, to really actually call someone out on a couple game night cheating, you're a fucking asshole.

But it seemed like it was kind of in good fun. And it seemed like the girlfriend was taking it more seriously. Maybe the way he presented it. He clearly means it fucking seriously. Oh, he definitely means it, but he said he said jokingly and Priya laughed at it. I question if his execution of that joke was really as good as he thinks, though. Right. And if you're feeling it

like this, you don't have the sense of humor. If I was like, bro, you gotta be kidding me. You're cheating with this. Like, whatever. If I was like, you're fucking cheating. And there's no bro you gotta be kidding me you're cheating with this like whatever if i was like you're fucking cheating and there's no way you're smarter than me you've only been here for a year you think you can speak english people speak english fucking everywhere this dude definitely dropped to go back to your country at some point yeah it's not a joke all right uh time to get into our voicemails but first we're gonna uh we're gonna unleash the second ever callback

kfc radio callback and i like how the callbacks have to be it's not i'm gonna call back someone every week it's got to be i'd say maybe like three times a year you know and i think you can guess which one we're maybe calling back on uh we're gonna talk to the guy who uh found out he came out of the closet to his fiance they They decided to get married, stay married, have a kid together. And they sound like they're the happiest couple in the world.

So we're going to call up this dude and get, uh, this, the full scoop on how it's working. It's brought to you by Miller light. Now, you know, when you get together with a buddy to talk about some real life shit,

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Let's do our callback. Yo. You there? Yo. Yo, what's up, man? How are you? What's up, bro? How we doing?

Doing good, guys. This is pretty crazy that this all happened like this. Well, first of all, what's your name? I'm Joe. Joe, okay. Well, here's the thing, Joe. I can understand it's crazy. When I first texted you, you were skeptical, didn't even know if it was real, and I get it.

And I can even understand being like, whoa, I can't believe this blew up. But at the same time, you have to know that know that a your story is crazy unorthodox and b your storytelling uh skills and the call you left was fucking amazing so it actually doesn't surprise me that this is one of the biggest calls we've ever gotten well thank i'm not gonna lie i really did appreciate how you liked my voice i actually do work in radio too so yeah one person that is recognizing recognizing another yeah honestly it did sound like a professional pretty crazy i mean i guess i part of me did think this would end up on the show but at the same time when i heard my voice in the show the

holy shit do you realize that like there's like a significant chance you've changed the world really i mean we're joking about it and it's so funny and entertaining but on a very real level i think i think it's inspirational i think it's motivational i think it's setting an example it's so progressive it's incredible man i mean thank you guys now i know if i ever need a an ego lip from from our relationship i'm gonna listen to this yeah just keep calling us we'll keep telling you So how did it go when you first told her? Was it like, oh, was it like a Costanza? Like, no, I don't care. We're not breaking up.

Or was it like, you know what? That's okay. Like, I think we can, I think there's actually something special here that like is very different and like an interesting way to raise a family. Well, yeah. I mean, we had been together since eighth grade and there was never a doubt in my mind that this was a girl i could spend my life with but at the same time like there was a pretty glaring obvious problem there had to be a little bit of a doubt maybe your dick had a doubt i don't know

there had to be something in there saying well wait a minute right one day we finally decided to say hey what's wrong here let's try and figure this out so well that was my question was there like uh you know was there like in the bedroom or something was like a little off like she she wasn't like totally blindsided by it no she wasn't blind it was kind of one that was oh wow this makes sense like a light bulb yeah yeah all the pieces fit after the fact like actually she said many times like it's made her feel so much better that this is the case. And it wasn't her. Like, it was like, it was all on my end.

Like, there was nothing wrong on her end. She was doing everything right. But, you know, the guy over here, he just wasn't performing. One of those. Hand up, coach. It was my fault, you know. One of those true, like, it's not you. It's me.

Yeah, you were the true and the only example of that being real, man. Yeah. Yeah, I was like Michael Thomas, like, refusing to admit I was injured. You know, I was pulling back in there. I can do it again. I mean, was that a struggle, like, you know, for you to, you had to come out basically to yourself at one point and admit it. You had to talk to your family, talk to her.

Honestly, we pretty much figured it out together. Interesting. Like, one night in a minute you had to talk to your family talk to her honestly we pretty much figured it out together interesting like one night having a combo the spare details we were kind of like you know looking into things that could be the problem and then like one thing led to another i was like holy shit like i might be bisexual and she was like no you're gay boom it all just like boom floodgates opened everything made sense and i was like okay yeah that makes a lot of sense and then we tested it and it was like yeah that's uh definitely tested it so that prior to that you never had been with a guy or anything like that like she was the only one there like uh like i said i never like wanted to leave her i never

wanted anything else it was like, I probably have ED. Oh, well, whatever. She's not complaining. It shouldn't be a problem, right? Right. So we'll get back to her and the kids in a second. But that first time that you bang a guy after realizing it has got to be awesome, right? Or no, maybe it's scary.

Maybe you were nervous. I was going to say stressful. I better be fucking right right like like almost like cutting the wire at the end of the movie like it's either i'm going blue this better be right i mean honestly it's like how did i do that for 12 years yeah yeah like what was I thinking? Like, holy shit. That, I thought, I thought those were orgasms. So you weren't even getting, you were getting, you were getting, you know, you were in there, you were getting hard, but you weren't getting off? I mean, you could say I was getting hard, but let's be honest, it was probably 50% capacity.

But, oh yeah, but so, I mean, you were, it wasn't like you guys just were not having sex or trying, like, you know. No, yeah, no, we totally, like, had a physical relationship. I mean, like, I, maybe like you know yeah we totally like had a physical relationship i mean like i maybe like once a month we do it yeah it just kind of be like you know all right here we go i gotta do this again but like it never was like a ew you know i never was thinking oh i don't want to have sex with the girls more like i just seem like too much work and i thought that was it like i'm lazy i smoke pot maybe i'm just like a lazy pothead who attention span for sex right i always thought no that wasn't it so when you came to now you the the

the baby came two years after did you go that we we kind of talked about on the show i don't know if you've listened to this episode yet but the we wondered if it was ivf or did you go do you go regular with it we did it all natural I guess I left out pretty big information like this all happened three months before our wedding so we were like all right this is game time decision like we got decided can we do this is this worth are we fooling ourselves and we're like no this changes nothing like our sex life has never been good that's not why we're together so like this isn't gonna change anything else i'm still the same guy you're still the same girl like it's not like i'm

changing my personality at all yeah now we're there like yeah that sounds great was it partly even even a little bit influenced by like look we don't want to tell the whole family let's just do this was it even a little bit influenced by like look we got a lot of money investing this yeah we don't financial you don't want to be embarrassed. You don't want to go through the headache. We did make the joke like, hey, let's go through the wedding. And if it doesn't work, we can split all the money down the middle and go our own ways. But there was no familial pressure.

There was no religion involved. We just didn't want to break up. And we decided like, let's still do this. This is going to work. and we decided like let's still do this well like this is gonna work i said that like my i feel like uh mixing sex with your spouse is almost the problem which sounds so silly but it's like we get you we like sex and and and that aspect of relationships can cause so many problems with like jealousy and desire and all that shit and it gets in the way of everything you just described my personality and like my kid,

like my love for her and we could raise kids together. Uh, so in a weird way, you know, you guys just took out the thing that can cause a lot of complication. And now you get to focus on, you know, the,

the shit that really matters. That's why I think you changed the world. We actually have a little term together it's called no sexpectation because before we thought i was straight you know we're going to have sex you almost expect to be good but it's never going to be good so obviously that's going to take a toll on your psyche so now we're like right there's no sex rotation say more like i don't have to perform i don't have to be this alpha male and woo you off your feet i'm just your best friend, your husband.

It's like we say when you go out to dinner and you drink instead of having sex. She's having a bunch of shots. I'm having shots. She knows I'm not going to be able to get hard. There's no sexpectations. What we're going to do tonight is just have a good old-fashioned party. We're going to have a good time. And that's when you have the most fun, right?

Those are the most fun nights. And that's what Joe did with his life, with his wife. Exactly. It's brilliant. And it's like, I can't believe it took us this long. You know what's ruining marriages? Sex! I would have guessed that before, Joe. Joe kind of opened my eyes to it, almost like his wife opened his eyes to him being gay.

Where it's like, sex just ruins everything. And I've always known, but it's even more clear now. You know, sexpectations was a huge problem with me. Joe was getting more laid than i was in my marriage and he's gay so it definitely is an issue uh and i think usually it it results in a breakup or blaming or whatever and you guys were just like kind of mature enough and in love like true love enough to be like well uh you know fuck it let's just keep doing all the good stuff now i i can actually honestly say we have been happier than ever since the day I realized.

Does not surprise me. I think that you guys, you're probably the happiest couple I know, probably the happiest couple on the fucking planet because everyone else is caught up in the bullshit. But your question was a bit troubling. Was that more for maybe entertainment's sake or were you actually like i'm not gonna lie that was just i felt like i'm not just gonna like ask for advice my situation i gotta bar stool this up okay all right yeah yeah and i appreciate that because it was a funny it is a funny uh kind of hypothetical and it did we've had a couple good comments i didn't throw that question on yet yeah Yeah, and I talked about it today with Jared on CCK,

and it opens up the door to conversation of like, what's guy code? Could you hook up with a girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend, a sister, all that shit? So I do appreciate that, but there wasn't – you're not actually worried about your friends banging your wife? No, I'm not worried about it, and if it did happen, I would be like, awesome. Now, see, I actually – You made the point on the podcast like your friend's gonna take the most care yeah i think i've i think i at first i think i said i

wouldn't do it and the more i've thought about it i think i probably would if because like they're always in a friend group there's always like a different smattering of girlfriends and wives and stuff like that and there's some who are just like they're fine they're there and there's some who you really hit it off with, who you have like great chemistry with. And in the back of your mind, you're always like, I wonder if we would have worked. Right. And if it's like, hey, you want to take a spin?

Like you can. I'm not interested. I'd be like, oh, now I guess maybe. Is there any friends like that? Getting approval is weird. I don't want to have to ask permission. Well, okay. So if there was a guy, would you – I had the conversation with Jared today.

Do you ask for permission? Do you hide it until you can't anymore? Would you want somebody to come up to you and say, like, I think I might have feelings for your wife, which is crazy. I think it might be good together. Or what if they came to you and said, like, we've kind of been talking already for a month or maybe we've even hooked up and we think we might like each other is this okay with you is that is there any what where's your level of like betrayal on this i wouldn't be betrayed at all because you have to be realistic with the situation yes we are i would say madly in love and the plan is to stay together forever. But at the same time,

if something happens like that, you can't blame her. If she found a guy who can have sex with her and do what I can, I'd almost be like, hey, if you want to, go ahead. If it's a friend of mine, I wouldn't care either. You have to be realistic in the situation. I would obviously love to stay together forever.

Your plan is to stay together forever and then just get sex from outside people? Exactly. You know, she's out with girlfriends and a guy hits on her and she can go home with him. I don't care. I'll find out about it tomorrow. What about if, I guess it would be rare, like you guys wouldn't be out to dinner and some guy comes up and hits on her because people would assume that you're like together uh but like is there any um are there any rules like ground rules for anybody out there trying to to experiment with this ground rules we have is like no birthdays no holidays spend those together

with the family other than that like i think we're up together and some hot guy comes up and hits on her and she's like hey like you mind i'll be no by all means like he's hot go for it you you're like well the only problem is i want to fuck him would there ever be a threesome on the table oh definitely on the table we have not done it yet but it's on the table hell yeah hell yeah brother it's very on the table what's mine is yours right don't have to share everything yeah we're a family now uh and i mean but like you said let's be realistic like people do catch feelings it's very hard to just keep it physical um yeah our number one rule is openness like if you happen to catch feelings tell me

about it i'm not gonna be mad i might even like encourage you to explore them but also this is possible for you too right yeah you keep talking about her, man. I feel like you're a very selfless guy. I think you got to think about, you know, you might find the guy who sweeps you off your feet. You've been, you know, torturing yourself for 15 whatever years, how long. You deserve to maybe find the guy who fits for you. Well, honestly, that's what she's worried about. I'm going to be the one to catch feelings.

I'm like, nah, I don't care enough to catch feelings. I've already used all my feelings on you. That's very sweet. So fucking romantic, man. You are a great guy. But what if... I'm not twice, but I am romantic. Is there any chance that you would maybe get divorced

under good terms, though? It's like, I'm going to marry this guy, you're going to marry this girl, this other guy will have step-kids, step- parent situations and be like one we've always like we're not afraid to talk about this and we've always said if that happens a small chance it happens honestly we feel like living on the same street you know like being best of friends like just down the block so i can see my kid every day that's my dream man you fucking change the game i know every morning you know like i wouldn't care i'd be great

i mean obviously obviously i would love for us to stay together but we don't ignore that part of it i that's my dream dude i'm like hoping to come into a little bit of money in the next few years and i keep thinking to myself like what if i just get like a couple houses on the same block and like her and her boyfriend her new husband can live there and i can live here and like we can just like play in the backyard. I can see them from my house, but we have separation, but we are going to all be together. And it sounds like kind of crazy given the way, you know, we all grew up. How old are you, Joe? I'm 28.

Yeah. So we're all like in the same ballpark. And that's just like how we, you know, that we're raised to think that's weird, but it's like, but maybe it's fucking awesome. Maybe that would be a cool way to do it where everyone's happy, but also still in each other's lives and you're getting all the important parts from people yeah there's no like real one-size-fits-all for a family anyway yeah takes a village right might as well just fucking build a village with all the people i know your own village yeah it is it kind of is corny to come back it all it all boils down to communication it's just like well we'll talk about if you fall in love with somebody we'll talk about it if i was gay and i talked about it you find someone else we'll talk about it if we

want to get a divorce we'll talk about it is there any trepidation with uh telling your kid one day or no we're still on the fence with that i mean obviously he's just one now so we're not gonna never worry anytime soon but you never know Cause what if it's like the point, because we're not against like getting to the point where like we have side relationships, like we might both have a boyfriend. It's not going to be like a, you know, future relationship type thing, but like a guy might be over at the house all the time. Like we're not sure if he's just going to be uncle Jerry or is he going to be

mom or dad's boyfriend? Yeah. I mean, I do think though, sure if he's just gonna be uncle jerry or is he gonna be mom or dad's boyfriend yeah i mean i do think though like the key in those situations is just like making sure everybody is communicated with well and feels loved and all that stuff and i feel like you guys are like the the gold star example like banner of it so i think like no matter what you decide to do you'll you guys will probably handle it the right way because i, I mean, you know when people call celebrity couples mom and dad? Joe and his wife are like mom and dad to me. You guys are fucking incredible, man.

You're everybody's inspiration. I don't want to fangirl much here, but hearing you guys support it actually made my day. No. Hearing the idea of it made my day. I'm like, the wheels are spinning. I'm like, maybe I'll just say that I was gay and I'll do this too because it sounds amazing. Let me ask you one more question.

I don't want to pry too much because I feel like I'm just asking you all these personal questions. But I've never talked to somebody who was in the closet and trying to be straight. Just wrapping my mind around that is crazy to me. And it sounds like there were times where you struggled with it and weren't able to do it, but other times you just kind of like, well,

you close your eyes and pretend or your, your body, you know, your mind just kind of like blocks it out and gets the job done. I just, that to me is so hard to like, you have to go to a completely different place. You can't focus on what's actually happening or else obviously it's going to be a distraction. So it's kind of like, just do this and get through it type of thing. And I'm like obviously it's going to be a distraction so it's kind of like just do this and get through it right type of thing and like it's not like that's fucking hard man and i don't

mean like just doing that i mean like that's hard on your psyche and stuff like that i imagine that was the problem yeah but i mean it objectively kind of feels good though right yeah no it kind of does i mean i'm not gonna lie well i had to be said this on the podcast i'm like it has to feel good and then it's like well then why don't you just go bang a dude kevin it feels good it's not really how it works man it's crazy how mental it is oh yeah it wasn't the hardest thing but like i said for 12 years i wasn't like i didn't know a case i wasn't like thinking of guys i'll just like all right this is like just another form of jerking off, I guess. Yeah. Interesting. Right. Right. Into this,

I've got to do it and hopefully I finish. Amazing, man. You and your wife are literally, like I said, not even exaggerating and inspiration, a motivation for people to do it the right way as like, as like a, a divorce guy. Like I, I just, I wish I handled a lot of things the way you guys did with communication and everything. So I really feel like for people going through relationship issues

or sexuality issues or family issues, you guys are legitimately a very good example for I think how people should handle their stuff. Thank you, man. It means a lot to hear. I still am in shock this whole thing has gotten to this level, to be honest. I did feel bad because it obviously

has gotten a lot of attention on Twitter and Instagram and stuff like that. And I think one of your lines in the voice that was like, we're hoping to tell all our close friends, which is 14 to 20 people by the end of the year, I think. And I was like, oh shit, I forgot. I didn't realize that. Yeah, I think they might know. Yeah, well, here's the easiest way.

Just send this podcast to them. Yeah, exactly. We're not trying to hide it, so whatever, you know? Well, thanks for the time. Thanks for the voicemail. Appreciate it, and good luck with everything, man. Thanks so much, guys. Thanks for calling me.

This was crazy still. I'm still in shock on it. Don't be a stranger, man. Joe will be in touch. Yeah, you might have to be like, you know we'll consult you what do you think of this how should they handle that you got the right the right stuff man thanks a lot text me anytime guys if you need gay advice i got you have a good one joe have a good one guys all right uh i mean i really i i gush over that too but i can't i can't get enough he's a man yeah he's a man i might want to be gay with joe seriously you're looking for you're looking for

love like so am i let's go i'll fucking cut the blue wire we'll see what happens that is such a apt i mean that guy he is looking at some dude's butt and he's looking like do i put it in or not do i cut the green wire the wire? There's a chance this blows up or there's a chance you get that and nothing happens and it's good. There's a chance you call your wife like, you were wrong. I am straight. I am

super straight. I do. It is just the ED. That's it. Should have gone to Roman instead of trying to fuck this guy. Crazy. Alright, let's do one more voicemail, and then we'll go to our interview with Cal Penn. KFC, Spice, BC, Nick, Jackie, sup? So, Spice, it's that boy season, as you mentioned,

and for me it is big time. I lost something very near and dear to my heart, something that's very sentimentally valuable to me. You're going to make fun of it. You're going to probably say I'm whatever, but I lost my favorite water bottle the other day. An allergy I've had for a couple years, longer than any relationship I've ever been in.

Got all my favorite stickers, got some cool memories with it. Lost it, and it's honestly kind of fucked me up for the past couple days. So I guess my question is, what kind of dumb little knick-knack possessions do you have that if you lost would really actually kind of fuck you up? Not like a phone, wallet, anything like that, because that's kind of obvious, but what kind of little stuff do you guys have that would really fuck you up if you lost it? I mean, I can't get up for this water bottle thing.

Look, I get people have connections to things that I don't understand. That's not one. But a water bottle is a real stunner. I mean, come on. I get the stickers is a little different. All right. First of all, I actually was thinking he just meant water bottle. Yeah.

Because I have favorite water bottles. You still love? I feel like everyone does. I actually really like the body armor ones. Body armor he just meant water bottle. Because I have favorite water bottles. You still love them? I feel like everyone does. I actually really like the body armor ones. Body armor is a great water bottle. It's a great opening, like the right size. It's like a gainery size, rather than a little tiny one. There's no glug, glug, glug.

But it's also not huge. It's perfect. Yeah. So I actually would have been more surprised by that. But I get stickers because it's kind of something where you're like, this shows where I've been every day. But if you came to me looking for sympathy, I'd be like, get the fuck out of my face, man. But the thing is, I can't answer this question because I wouldn't come looking for sympathy for anything. I still am tripping over my tongue because I bit it yesterday and it's a little swollen.

You got a fat tongue in your fat mouth. It's so goddamn annoying. But I've had a few things in my life that I thought I had a great sentimental connection to and I lost it like ah I don't really give a shit like the the thought is worse than the you know a lot of things in life the the worry or like the potential is way worse than the actual I do have one shirt that is to me hoodies and there's i definitely have things that like that clothing would be it for me i but it's not mine it's my buddy who passed away it's his shirt and it's like he he got it for running the boston marathon and then like the boston marathon happened like

the year before he passed and it's like i'm sorry the year before two years after i just got that messed up but whatever but like it's like his shirt it's kind of has like a connection to boston for me sure and i was talking talking about a hoodie that's soft that fits me well. But fuck you and your sentimental story. Really showing me up. I mean, that's my favorite shirt. I wear it pretty often. And it's more like, I don't know.

I guess that's my answer. But if I lost it, I'd probably be like, fuck, I lost that. And then that would probably be it. But I've had autographed things and knickknacks from grandparents and stuff like that. And I'm like, where'd those cufflinks go? I don't know. Fuck them. They were blue cufflinks.

I had a cup, like a mug, several of them, that really perfect mug. We've talked about having a favorite cup that just got lost in a move or wherever, lost in transit that I wish I had them back, but it's not like I lose sleep over them. I actually think the cup's less serious than the Nalgene. Again, the Nalgene has the stickers. Stickers, I think, tell a cool story. It's almost like

tattoos for inanimate objects. You have the right cup, and you can't replace it. The right size, the right handle, the right grip, the right... Fuck your stickers. But you can't replace it. The right size, the right handle, the right grip, the right... I mean, fuck your stickers. But you can find another cup. Not the same one. But you can find a similar grip. I can get you more stickers. Yeah, but like

we have to go on journeys together. Oh, fuck off. I'll order them on Amazon. I like the memories of the stickers. What if I ordered you the same stickers? Nah, because that algae hasn't been there. Oh, fuck you. No, I'm serious. That's just posing.

Fuck you. You can't pose. You get stickers when you're at a place. And then you're like, all right, here's somewhere we went. Yeah, I hate your guts. No. All right, I get that. But then I can replace the sticker,

and it's not the one that was in the gift shop that you bought it from, but you still have that memory. No, I'd actually be excited to start my new water bottle journey, but I wouldn't want to give that. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to fill this water bottle up, and I'm going to waterboard you with it, and then I'm going to shove it down your throat. You jerk. I think it's like I said, tattoos for inanimate objects. It's kind of like they tell a story. It's like where we've been oh this this is like what's that mean where how was that trip it's it's it's basically it's a cheat sheet for stories yeah it's like oh that

time oh man i gotta tell you about the drug dealer and uh yeah white face mountain and fucking someone so got a concussion and we had to carry him down the mountain right right right that's a good story it's just like just like something you maybe forget to tell, and then it's just like, oh, yeah. A little reminder. Yeah. I bet you a lot of people would answer, like, you have pictures and shit on your phone,

and then you lose your phone or break your phone, and you can't get those anymore. I don't have pictures on my phone. You what? I don't have pictures on my phone. Yeah, I'm not huge on that, but I don't know. Listen, I lost, bless you, I lost. I got a lot of screenshots. Yeah.

I lost the old nudes that I wish I still had. I don't know. That's the only thing you really can't get back. Sometimes I have pictures of my kids and stuff that I wiped my phone and didn't back up or thought I backed up and I didn't. But the thing is, I can't remember them. I know I had a slew of pictures there that if I saw them again, I'd be happy. But I can't really remember what they were, so I don't even know what I lost. So fuck it.

Keep it moving. But I bet you some people would they were, so I don't even know what I lost. So fuck it. Keep it moving. But I bet you some people would say that pictures on their phone. Let us know. What's your sentimental object that you lost? Tweet us at KFC Radio. And now let's get into our interview with Cal Penn. He's got a new show coming out about voting and politics. He is a fucking impressive dude.

The only more impressive person in the world than him is Joe. But other than that, Cal Penn, great, great dude, funny cat, super smart. And now I would call him a friend of the program. So let's get into it with Cal Penn. All right. We do this every time we judge people's backgrounds or their Zoom. And you have a very classy one. This is good.

This is an A+. Mine is unfair. I'm on a set. Oh, okay. I was going to say, this is like a hell mine is unfair uh i'm on a set oh okay i was gonna say this is like a hell all right all right yeah okay usually i almost didn't tell you because i was like yeah you could have gone with it zombie apartment it's like it's a c yeah i could have gone like look at this guy just has pictures of like native americans in the background normally wow this guy's the real deal you got the whole shebang up there really the history of america he did i mean i did help curate with the the designer because we just wanted like a snapshot of the history of america yeah no i mean it works for sure it definitely uh it

definitely puts the right vibe out there uh also so we're we're shooting this in uh toronto where i'm in toronto for another project, the show called Clarice for CBS, but Canada has a 14 day mandatory quarantine, but they actually, they're like, they check in with you and make sure you're not leaving. Stunning. Shocking.

They actually do shit. Yeah. So when, when we were trying to plan the show, we're like, it's a six episode show. We can't rent studio space. Cause I'm not allowed to go to the studio.

I'm not allowed to leave. So the company was like, I guess we're just going to have to rent a house that we build a studio in. Wow. Okay. So the reason I'm at this desk is it's the desk I use on the show, but it's also the only desk in this house they rented. Listen, that's like, that's gotta be a good sign though, that they're like, they're taking the project seriously. If they're willing to go to these lengths, we'll get you a house. We'll build you a set the whole nine yeah yeah no they've been great to work with i mean it's a it's an uplifting uh you know show well is it cal i've

got a bone to pick with you i've had one i've had one contentious interview my whole career it was with kathy it was with kathy griffin and um you know yeah right okay you know i told i i said to him like you know because nowadays podcasts you know, yeah, right. Okay. You know, I told, I said to him, like, you know, because nowadays podcasts, you know, you usually just do shows with people you like and shit like that. So it rarely is contentious. I would actually like it to be a little more like that these days. But I said, like, listen, I got some things to say to Kathy Griffin. It's probably going to go south. It did.

Whatever. But Kathy Griffin was flabbergasted that the Secret Service contacted her after she held up Trump's bloody head. I was like, yeah, but you get it, right? You know what they do. You reap what you sow a little bit. Can I tell you my Kathy Griffin story? Go ahead.

This was probably 10 years ago. I was on my way to work. I can't remember what I was shooting. Maybe the show called We Are Men with Tony Shalhoub. Yeah. Okay. And I'm on my way to the studio studio in la and there's this beautiful dog that like that's walking down the street i was like oh that's cool and i'm waiting to turn the

corner and see the person walking the dog and there's no person so then i turn around and i'm like well i gotta help this dog so i stay with the dog and then i was like but i gotta go to work so i go back home with this dog the You took the dog? I look around. There was nobody around. I'm already late. I put the dog in the backyard. I come back like four hours later. It was a short day.

And there's no collar on this dog. And I take pictures. I put up signs all over the neighborhood. Found dog. You know, there's no microchip on the dog. And then finally, as I'm petting this amazing friendly dog, we realize there is a collar. The collar is like underneath the fur and there's a phone number. And there's like the name.

I don't remember the name of the dog, but I called the number and this dude picks up. And I was like, hey, did you lose a dog named whatever? And he's like, no. Yeah, you did, bud. Yeah, you did. And then he goes, can you describe the dog and i was like no because if this is not your dog i'm not gonna let this fucking dog away oh he describes the dog and i was like okay but that's not the dog's name no it is where do you live i was like no

so i meet him on the street like around the corner from where I was staying. And he goes, oh, shit, Cal Penn. I was like, yeah. And clearly the dog knew him. And he goes, so here's the deal. This is Kathy Griffin's dog. I was like, what? And the dog is featured prominently on her reality show. So they have a fake dog tag, like with a real phone number.

But they don't want anybody to steal the dog. But the dog got out because like the gate was open or something. So he's like, can I get a picture of you with the dog? And I was like, sure, why not? So I take a picture with this adorable dog. 10 minutes later, like my Twitter is blowing up. And I was like, oh no, did I say something stupid again? Like what happened?

And it's all of this, Kathy had tweeted the picture and was like, thank you, Calvin, for like finding my dog. And I had never seen so much love. Like her fans are so diehard. Like to your point, you either love her or hate her. Her fans are so diehard. I've never seen that much love on my Twitter page. What a handsome man finding that dog.

I was like, thank you. I literally did nothing, but thank you. I'll take it. Your face in this is so perfect with that story. You're like, thank you. I literally did nothing, but thank you. I'll take it. Your face in this is so perfect with that story. You're like, what are we doing here? You're so clearly confused. I didn't know. I didn't totally believe him, right? He didn't know the dog's

name. Oh, man. I feel you on that. Kathy Griffin, she's a legend for a reason. But the reason why I think it's going to get contentious here is because you're doing, Cal Penn approves this message, which is trying to get Gen Z and millennials to vote. And I don't think they should vote, Cal.

I don't. I think I think that, like I said today, that 400 to 600 people total should be allowed to vote. Who are they? I don't know that just the smartest like most educated informed 600 people in the country not even close to the amount of people that we do let vote and you bringing more people in is part of the problem okay i think i mean that then we disagree spark there's historic precedent for what you're talking about because you used to have to be what used to have to be a dude white wealthy only i didn't say all that okay i just said smart for landowners that's

going to be almost none of us in new york or la yeah yeah yeah you know so but yeah it's you know i i get what you're getting at is that we just don't trust each other anymore right true right are you are you very nervous about this because this is quite an undertaking uh puff daddy uh took on this one time and he threatened to kill us and it didn't work so it didn't work that he didn't that he didn't kill you or that he didn't well just vote or die and everyone was like i'll take my chance to die and then and then puffy did vote or die and then like a week later after the election it came out that he didn't even vote i was like puff come on man you at least gotta go cast the ballot no this is a little different so the i've been approached a couple times to do shows like this we're like hey there's this political show we have can you host

it and i'm not really a fan of like the the yelling and screaming kind of political shows yeah it's just like i i don't find them enjoyable, but also I just, that's not who I am. So I always said no. And then my writing partner and I, this guy, Rahman Borsellino, we were like, well, what shows, what would we want to make if we had the chance to make it?

We're like, well, we like Daily Show, but it's cynical, right? So like, what if you did, and I love watching it, but like, what if you did a less cynical Daily Show? So instead of reacting to things, what if it was issue specific, sort of like, do you know the show CBS Sunday morning? Probably like grandpa watches. Oh yeah. I like this show a lot. Yeah. It's very soothing. And they got that little like sun logo, right? And it comes back from break with the music. Yeah, I know. Yeah. It's soothing. So you, you watch it

and you're like, you feel nice. You're like hungover. It's 930 on Sunday. It's soothing. So you you watch it and you're like, you feel nice. You're like hungover. It's 930 on Sunday. It's just on. And you like actually are soothed in addition to your Tylenol and your whatever you're eating. And I'm like, I want to do that. I want to do that related to leading up to an election. So in an ideal world, it's like if it does well, then we can do this for years and it has nothing to do with an election. So each episode is about a specific issue. So the first episode airs on National Voting Administration Day, the 22nd, 1030 at night, like what should the episode be about? It should be about the history of voting. And you used to have to be 21 to vote, and it dropped to 18 in 1971 with the 26th Amendment. But the reason it finally dropped

to 18 in 1971 was after world war ii all these veterans were coming back going i just almost died for my country or my friends don't vote yeah freedom and i'm not even allowed to vote at 18 that's bullshit and it took that long up until 1971 to get the right to vote for 18 year olds so our episodes are things like that and like episode two is about higher ed basically. Right. And everybody has done episodes on student debt and for-profit colleges and things like that. So we have no interest in that.

Instead, we're talking about like, okay, trade school, really valuable. Not everybody goes to college. Some people go into the military. Some people go straight to the workforce. Some people go to trade school. So like, what are the benefits of trade school? What are the benefits of four-year college? But more importantly, how do they combine for innovation? So there's the

biggest threat for young people is automation. It's like all of these, the AI and computers and manufacturing, that's, it's not just going overseas. It's just machines that are doing those jobs. So like we can yell and scream about whether, you know, colleges are only for the elite and whether trade schools are only for, you know, working class folks on the right. And it's like, that's the wrong conversation. The conversation is like, who is doing something about automation and how is it going to benefit my 15 year old cousin? Like, should my 15 year old cousin go to trade school for something in particular? Should, should she major in philosophy? Probably not. What's the right thing to do?

So that episode is about how we as Americans are going to compete against China and India and Brazil with something like automation through the context of what do I do after high school? Like, what's the best thing for me to do? So again, it's like, it's not really about any person that you should vote for. It's about, hey, she should think. Novel idea.

Like, it's not about like which asshole you're gonna pick it's about actually what's going on you know like the yelling and screaming so like how do we do this and make it a thing that that doesn't talk down to someone where do you fall on that issue by the way i feel like it's kind of coming back around like i feel like learning a trade is actually really valuable now and like uh you know a typical college education is like flush it down the toilet i i had to trade high school or uh what do you call them uh voc vocational high school in my hometown and i remember it when kids like who i grew up with and went to middle school with

elementary school with when they went it was kind of like dude you're going to learn how to be a plumber yeah and then that plumber i was going on my third college and he's like yeah i make a hundred and sixty thousand dollars a year bro i was like wait what exactly you think what honestly i hope my kid's a plumber yeah we touch on that a little bit where it's like you know we we want to acknowledge that like there's this dumb i think the episode we're using if we can get the rights to it uh is nicki minaj cardi cardi b like the beef that they had yeah and how like there's this totally manufactured beef between people who are going to trade school and people are going to college it's like why do we think that way right uh and then we're going to cut to the cardi i

actually really what i really want to do is get a clip of cardi b saying fuck you cal the beef she had with nikki and then it just cuts like fuck you cal and then we go well but that it does make sense to me because it's like the if you're gonna pay it for college either your parents or your loans or whatever you want that shit to be good and real and the right way to do it and you want to feel like fancy about it and so you're gonna kind of flaunt that to the vocational school person because the one thing they don't have is that you know elite status but then they're gonna flaunt their practicality and their their paycheck in your face so it's like i get why there is that beef but it's it's still stupid it's stupid and it's also like how do you have

that conversation the right way right like some of these jobs are obviously going to be gone in the next decade it's not good enough for people who do public policy to be like you know the sad reality is your job is going to be done. See ya. Yeah. Okay. That, A, you have to account for what's going to happen to that person's livelihood. And then B, like, what are their kids going to do? It's not good enough to be like,

it's not my problem because it's not going to happen over the next four years. So we talk about that too. A lot of that stuff happens at the local and state level. It's not just about who we're voting for for president. It's like, who's on account. That I honestly think is probably more, a more important crusade if I can speak from a total place of ignorance. But like, I genuinely do sometimes feel like if you live in a certain state that goes a

certain way that like a lot of, a lot of times your vote, I know it counts, but yes, like it kind of doesn't, but voting for like local people that are actually probably going to affect your day to day life. It's like, they don't even, I mean, I don't even think about, you know, my local this and that. I don't even know them. I don't consider it, you know. I mean, look, it does count overall that the Gore, the Bush Gore election was 500 something votes. Right. So obviously, if you're in a battleground state, your vote is weighted more than it is if you're in a place like New York or Alabama. But even places like New York, Alabama, like if you're a conservative who's voting in New York City,

if you're a progressive voting in Alabama, it matters. Because if your candidate isn't going to win the electoral votes from your state, the other people who are running in your state for different offices have to take into account like, oh, shit, 48% of these people have jumped over here when it used to be 30. Right? So like they have to take that into account when they're planning their public policy. So it's not that the vote is wasted. And I think that's something we don't think about a lot. It's like,

Oh, my vote doesn't matter to elect the president. It's like, it kind of does matter with everything that happens from that point on anyway. Well, honestly, just that right there is a piece of information.

I never really thought it makes a lot of sense. Cal already. It turns out, you know what you're talking about, Cal. All right. Do I get a Secret Service visit, though? What do you think about this Joe Rogan thing going on? Have you caught up with this?

No. Here's what I've been doing. I've been reading this. Right. You've been in Canada, too, so you don't know what's going on down here. Turned on my nerdy N NPR app this morning and like was making breakfast and listening to their top five minutes. And I was like, oh, the fires have spread. That's really bad. It's not good. But what's the what's the. So it's always kind of like been bubbling on the Internet for years now that that people think Joe Rogan would be a good debate moderator.

And then he spoke about it again on his podcast. And then he said, he was like, fuck it. I'd love to do it. Like me, Joe, me,

Biden, Trump in a room, nobody else, four hours, two cameras that, you know, and I'll go to town on them. And then Joe,

then Donald Trump, like quote tweeted it and was like, I'm down. So all we need now is Joe Biden to get involved. But what do you think about, I mean, obviously it's a little bit far-fetched, but also there is some validity to, like, what about having a more normal person kind of get in the mix, if you can even call Joe Rogan that.

But he's not a lifelong politician. He's not, you know, on the take, all those kind of things. I'm still stuck on, like, four hours of social media. Yeah, I know. That's the thing you need, too. That's what Rogan does his podcast. His podcasts are insane. But four hours,

neither of them are going to stay awake the whole time. They might not stay alive the whole time. Can you think about all of the things that I do over the course of four hours? And it's like a lot of stuff or it's nothing. But if it's nothing, if I'm just sitting there, then it's like, I don't want to talk to anybody. Okay.

But your question is like, yeah, I the the reason that appeals to so many people is that people identify with Joe Rogan there's like a way that he speaks and a way that people identify with him that's different from like an announcer or somebody who's like you know if it's Fox or MSNBC there's obviously a slant there and playing that game as opposed to somebody or a group of people even who people feel like are more conversational um i think it's an interesting idea i think that's like with politics overall though right like the the idea of picking up your phone and tweeting something nasty feels so good sometimes oh the best it's not how uh it's not how the government works like government purposely has three branches and bills move through and you have to get consensus

and then the Supreme Court can block or approve certain things. All of that is very slow and can take decades on purpose. That's literally how it works. But now we're in this digital age for the last 15 years and nothing else has caught up. So that debate thing is an interesting format, right? Or at least maybe you can still do the traditional ones, but why not do an alternative one? Right, and whether it's Joe Rogan or not, I think the point is a good one that

we should find a way to mix it up a little bit. I think you'd be good at it. I don't know if I'd be good at it, but I'm still, I'm stuck on, like, I don't have the attention span from more than a 15-second Insta story. Yeah. I don't even have that. 15 whole seconds now what are you crazy i don't i always just say my my my phone is just my thumbs treadmill i'm not

actually reading anything i'm not actually watching anything i'm just it's an exercise in tapping and i'm great at it our show's 21 minutes for a reason yeah right it's like well i i did i just watched the social dilemma last night on netflix though just talking about 21 minutes for a reason. Yeah. Right. It's like, well, I, I did, I just watched the social dilemma last night on Netflix though. Just talking about how like we're the world that humanity is pretty much completely fucked because of technology and social media and the digital age. And when you, when you really lay it all out like that documentary did,

I mean, for all I know, that documentary is another piece of propaganda, but boy, that was, it was scary. It was like, Oh boy,

we're in a lot of trouble. I know it's very scary. And here's how about this. So as I was walking out of my apartment this morning, of propaganda but boy that was it was scary it was like oh boy we're in a lot of trouble i know it's very scary and here's how about this so as i was walking out of my apartment this morning my girlfriend was watching um paris hilton's documentary and the last queen the last line i heard as we walked out was she's like everything that you're seeing on social media is like something i started and then she kind of paused and she goes and sometimes i'm just really scared i created a monster and And I was like, I was like, we're going to hell in a

handbasket and it's Paris Hill and Fall and she feels bad about it? She knows it. It's bad that Paris has the awareness to know like, yep, I did it and it was me. Wow. What a line. I gotta get the hell out of here. We're going to Canada. I'm going to work at my social media company. I'll see you

later. Is it bad that that makes me want to watch it yeah it was the other great line was uh her sister who never does interviews or anything like that uh it's like i've turned these down my whole life and i just felt like it wouldn't be authentic if i wasn't here because paris like she's very glamorous but really behind closed doors she's like she likes to just lay on the couch and and eat eat leftovers and play with her dogs she's like basically homer simpson and i was like i don't think you know who homer simpson is that was that was a a hotel heiress trying to be relatable you know like uh what's the show you guys watch? Uh,

yeah, but it, I mean, it is weird because it's like, you're going to do this show on free form, but obviously the internet and, and, and social media is like such a powerful tool, but it's also like the horses out of the barn is pretty much uncontrollable and unregulated.

And it's, well, it's going to ruin humanity as we know it, but that's what they, that's also what they want you to think, right? Like, okay,

let's get the tinfoil hats. Let's go. no i think i mean for real the the it's of course very scary and it's scary if we don't do anything about it it's this idea of like like look at artificial intelligence right if we're if we're not gonna you have big companies that are doing i did this show for amazon last year called this giant beast that is the global economy we had one episode on AI. I didn't know very much about it, but I was like, this seems like a decidedly bad idea with some really good qualities in it. If it can cure cancer, great. But if it's going to take everybody's jobs and take over, then no. But all of the companies that are making AI are like, yeah, I mean, it's up to the government to make sure that it's properly regulated.

I'm like, okay, but your company is lobbying the government to not regulate. Like, I appreciate that you got your PhD in computer science and you think that that's the right thing, but literally your employer is funding that disinformation. So, so I think, but, but that's why, like, if you look at everything, voter suppression, I don't care where it happens. I don't care if it's like, if it's like, you know,

a democratic primary and they're trying to suppress the vote or if it's Republicans versus Democrats, whatever it is, the reason that shit happens is that they're scared of what happens if more of us vote, right? Because if more of us vote, they're going to have to do something. The only way these people keep their jobs, whether they're on the left or the right, is by doing things that we want. And we're not policy experts. So if we're like, hey, I don't like this one thing, you have to come up with a solution. It's like, that's their job.

They then need to come up with that solution. And I just think they do everything they can to sometimes make you feel like, oh, it doesn't matter. And yeah, maybe my vote doesn't make a make a difference or like we're too far gone. The shit's done. I'm just going to like, you know, make as much money as possible and die.

It's like, well, do that. Make as much money as possible. Sure. But like, there is a role that we have to play. Don't be resigned yet.

There was a, there's a guy in that documentary from Google and he was talking about like how he was addicted to Gmail. In the Paris Hilton documentary? Oh, no. In the social dilemma. And he was like, so I went to work the next day at Google, and he said, why isn't anyone trying to stop this from being so addictive? I was like, I don't think that's what they're going to do, buddy.

I don't think Google is going to try to make Gmail less addictive. How are you addicted to email, by the way's crazy you are a loser i'm addicted to tiktok short gmail you're a loser do you think though like you kind of started you were talking about how it took 30 years give or take to get uh the voting age raised so people who fought nazis can vote do you think like we're even capable, like the government is set up of keeping up with technology? Yeah, I think so. I think you just have to,

you have to go with people who actually know what they're talking about. Did you see those, you see the Zuckerberg hearings? I was going to say like, you watch the Senate hearings. You're like, I mean, it's like, sir, I don't work for that company. It depends on who we're electing and really who those people have on staff. Right. Right. So I do think there's hope to do it. But you have to you have to elect people who actually know what they're doing. How about why can't we put an age cap on on some of these positions? I don't want to tease our first episode too much.

All right. All right. Because that's my number one thing right now. When you say five sounds sounds good 75 is not so good yeah i'm like i'm sorry if you have to be if if you have to be 18 because your brain isn't developed enough yet then can't you stop at 70 right absolutely right not develop anymore all right we're gonna play a quick game with you here before we get you out of here uh we have a game called answer the internet which is all of our callers over the years and just questions that we found in the deep dark dark corners of the Internet.

So Cal Penn answers the Internet. Let him fly, Johnny. If you were to have a role in the president's cabinet or government, what would it be, Cal Penn? The chef, dude. The pastry. Good answer. Good answer. I like it okay if you could open a school of life

to learn real life valuable things what would you teach um so this goes back to are these rapid fire or can i no no no the thing you said about when we were talking about trade school versus college like i would i would learn how to actually do things like if the shit goes down i don't what do i know how to do i majored in sociology and film right no but like but like what what like i always say like there should have been a class on like what the fuck a mortgage is and how to pay it and like how your taxes are going to work and things like that what specifically do you think we don't know what to do how to do uh i'm always shocked at how few people know how to change a tire on the car it's a good one that's what i

don't know how to do yeah i think i know how to but if i had to do it i've never had a flat tire i just know for sure i would put it in the wrong place and i'd end up like cranking it through the like the base it's ripped through the yeah like there's only one specific place you can put it right and it's like i don't know where that place is you just drive on it because you're like yeah i can probably get there or like step step one, call AAA. Step two, wait. Right. Wait, what was I just going to say?

Oh, did you see that? I think the New York Post had an article fairly recently like, can you believe that millennials are taking classes to learn how to do basic home fixing upping or whatnot? Not like build a house, but just like, I don't know, paint a room, so to speak. And I was like, yeah, because you canceled the home act, guys. Yeah, because we don't know how to do it. I don't know it. No one even considered teaching me any of these things. I mean, where's the shame in that? I don't see any shame in that.

Millennials get the worst rap ever, and maybe I feel like Gen Z's kind of beloved because they're so silly. But they're renegading and they're dancing. But millennials, first of all, we're like 40 years old now. Like millennials get old. Millennials have like three kids and a 401k now.

And it's like, oh, millennials killed cheeseburgers. Like, I don't think so, dude. You're just making the cheeseburger wrong. Yeah. It's not dead. We can just fix it again. Last one. What's your closest near-death experience?

Oh, man. So I'm allergic to nuts, like almonds and cashews and all that stuff. What a pussy this guy is. Such a millennial. You killed the nut, man. So I'm the guy who's like, I'm the guy who's at dinner with his friends and I'm like, when we used to be able to do that,

and I'm like, excuse me, waiter, just so you know, like, I have a really, I'm definitely allergic. It'll be like throat closed up, can't breathe, you're dead, EpiPen type shit. But there's always some person at the table who's like, oh yeah, also, I'm gluten free. I'm like, no, no, you can't do that. That's not a real thing. Stop it. Like it is a real thing before people blow up my shit.

It is a real thing. You actually have celiac. Right. But unfortunately the people who say that they are and aren't, it pisses off people who have celiac and people who have actual food intolerances and all that. And like geez man so um so near death experience for like for people who have celiac is like i'm allergic to allergic to nuts i go to the hospital maybe once every two years because somebody doesn't know that that it's in something but it's like it's near death but it's weird because you like i know that i probably have about two hours before i'm gonna die dude that's not a lot of time though like that means

you can't ever like go to the desert and eat something you have to be like your civilization at all times you have to bring it yeah uh but going going to the hospital is like sometimes the doctors and nurses are like oh my god we need to we need to get him you know cc's however many cc's of epinephrine and they're scrambling around. And I'm like sort of enjoying it because I know they're about to save my life. Like I'm very calm. And then later they're like, why were you so calm? And I was like, I don't know. I mean, I figured I had another 45 minutes. That's a lot of time.

You guys were going to figure it out. I figured. I'm in a hospital. Shit. We actually have one more. Okay. You're a three headed monster and you need to select the other two heads. The first head is an idol of yours the second head is a person you hate who are your two heads oh man uh okay um we can change hate to dislike too if it no they're both gonna be the same it's gonna be kermit the Frog on one side.

So Kermit the Frog from Sesame Street on one side. And then Kermit the Frog from The Muppet Show on the other side. Because that Kermit the Frog, the Muppet Show Kermit the Frog, did commercials for pistachios. And that shit will kill me. And I hate that Kermit the Frog. That Kermit the Frog sold out. So he can be on this side and then Sesame Street Kermit the Frog sold out. So he can be on this side and then Sesame Street Kermit the Frog.

Yo, that Kermit the Frog sold out because he had a wife who was beating the crap out of him all the time. Miss Piggy, cancel. Let's cancel Miss Piggy. Just glamorizing domestic abuse. Miss Piggy beating his bag up and down the street. He's like, I got to go cut a check. She's going to get mad at me again. All right, Cal, We appreciate it, man. So it's called Cal Penn Endorses This Message. It's on Freeform.

Approves the message. Approves the message. It's a six-week run leading up to the election. So it starts on, what, the 22nd? September 22nd, 1030. Oh, it's on Hulu after that, too? Beautiful. Honestly, I've already learned a lot.

So I'm very excited to watch the full series because in this brief half hour, you've opened my eyes to quite a few things. I feel a little less dumb because of you, Cal, and I hope that's what the show can do. My big takeaway from our time together is the Parasol documentary. Yes. Yes. That's perfect. That's it. You brought us up a little bit and we brought you down to the gutter a little bit.

It's perfect. We brought each other up together. All right, man. Thanks so much. Thank you, Cal. Have a good one, man. I've got some issues that nobody can see And all of these emotions are pouring out of me

I bring them to the life It's only life This is the soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life Yeah Uh-huh Yeah Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.