KFC Radio - Kanye West is #Done, Joe Exotic is Dave Portnoy, & Top 5 Sitcom Characters

Episode Date: March 24, 2020

Make sure to subscribe, Rate 5 Stars, and Leave a Review! KFC and Feits react to Kevin's Coronavirus test results. They discuss the released tape of Kanye and Kim K setting up Taylor Swift. With the restlessness of quarantine, Feits' has developed a strong workout regimen. KFC spent the night fulfilling wild cameo request for a good cause. They break down the documentary The Tiger King (26:11) and it's eerie similarities to early Barstool Sports. KFC and Feits break down their Top 5 Sitcom Characters (43:20). Finally, they discuss the viral meme that broke up the US into districts like The Hunger Games and what district would win in a war. Voicemails include: Like a Dog or Cat, AITA Corona Edition, and Creepy AnesthesiologistYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network, week two in quarantine. I can breathe again, and I am, at the moment, corona-free. That was, honestly, that was a relief for me, too. Because if you had it i had it and i told you on the phone probably last week that i was pretty convinced i was gonna be one of the first young people to die over it and yeah that was all happening i was like here it comes fucking new yeah i i um i went back and forth the whole time i was like i thought i had it when we when

me and the kids had like 104 fever and then things got better. And I was like, all right, I don't have it. Then my shit lingered like way too long. And like a couple of days ago, I was sick. Like I could not breathe without coughing. And I was like, I'm going to fucking have this disease. And honestly, I was like, yeah, I couldn't see my kids. I was worried about like getting my parents sick and killing my dad. But I was most worried about having to like be the guy at barstool.

That was like like i just got a text from steve chai being like did you get your results yet because like my babysitter is worried and like there's so many things i don't think about like i wasn't right steve jay is becoming public enemy number one at barstool but i but like the amount of people that i was gonna have to be like yeah like we came contact, and you shared a microphone with me, and I touched you, and I hugged you. I was going to be a social pariah at work. If I had Corona, this is irresponsible, and don't listen to me, and this is a joke, and yada, yada, yada. I'd treat it like an STD.

I'd tell the last person I had sex with, and that's it. That's it? Absolutely. tell the last person I had sex with and that's it. That's it? Afterwards, who would have known? I mean, that's, I don't know. I'm not, I'm not doing, I don't, like, reach out to people for birthdays. I don't reach out to people for celebrations or sorrows or congratulations or anything. Right. I'm not doing this.

It's just – it's a habit for me. I put it on Twitter. You're on your own. I agree, I have coronavirus. Yeah, right. And that's on you now. It's out of my hands. If anyone knows me, send this to them. I have coronavirus.

I'm done talking about it now. I knew I was going to lose-lose with Dave because either I had coronavirus and it was going to be like, oh, great, you got us all sick, Kevin. Or this case, Dave was like, oh, so you made it all about you and it was a big spectacle for you and then you didn't have it. Meanwhile, I had it and I just beat it quietly, huh? I was like, I – and he's also, he's like, you're, you are the scaredest person in America of coronavirus. It was like,

okay, okay, Dave. Okay. I'm just, I'm right back to like 2012 full hatred mode for the run. What? What was 2012?

It was just like my peak, like 20, like 2013 probably was where I was just like, I fucking hate this guy. It wasn't any particular? No, it wasn't. But I say that just because I remember that was when we were planning the wedding and I was like, I don't even want this fucking guy to be here, you know? So that was just like a peak, like I'm sick of it, I'm over it.

And it's right back to where we were. Good old days on fucking Skype, just talking shit. Dude, meanwhile, we're the exact opposite. peak. I'm sick of it. I'm over it. It's right back to where we were. Good old days on fucking Skype just talking shit. Dude, meanwhile, we're the exact opposite. Me and Dave were texting this weekend about just shooting the shit about fucking Kim and Kanye and Taylor. He was like, have you heard about this stuff? I was like, yeah, pretty much.

I couldn't. He initiated, right? Just said like, what do you think about this? He texted me. He's like, hey, have you heard about kim and taylor pretty crazy or something like that i forget he he said um he said that uh kim and kanye should go to jail which to be honest i mean it is pretty fucking like what's the defamation or whatever i mean the crazy thing about all this. Well, hang on. We'll get into that in a second. Before that, I got in an argument with him just now. He said that you should only be manscaping if you're, like, single and you're going to be having quarantine sex. And that if you're in a relationship, you don't have to worry about that anymore.

I said, fuck that. Everybody's got to keep it up. Yeah. I'm not keeping my face up. but I'll keep my face up. Yeah. Right. That's fine. I'm talking about your bits, your goods. Yeah. No, this is here to stay the whole time. People get used to this. People are like, I'm going to come find you and shave your mustache. I said, first of all, it's how you get Corona. Second of all, you're not. It's going to stay the whole time. That's fine. I'm talking about if you're going to be going down on people, if you're going to be having any sort of action, I don't care if you've been together for 10 minutes or 10 years, the minute that people

start letting their genitals go, that's the minute that your relationship's over. You can do that. Just know that your partner hates you and that the sex is going to stop. That's when the world really goes to hell. Yeah. Whenever. yeah. We can shut down work. We can shut down fun, sports, all that. When people start having hairy vaginas and hairy dicks, then we're really fucked.

That's why Manscaped is here through it all. They are going to make sure that your quarantine sex is still as smooth and soft and sexy and spicy as it can be. And it doesn't matter. You can, you know, if you, if you're in a relationship, that means you should be in love with that person. That means you want that, that experience to be the best it can be. That means you got a manscape. So, uh, and ladiescape all, all the different scapes going on.

Um, they have the, the perfect package 3.0, which includes the lawnmower 3. which is a waterproof, nick-proof trimmer so that you're not going to ever clip your balls. You're never going to bleed. You're never going to cut yourself. They've got the crop preserver. They've got the ball deodorant. It's not just the razor. It's the pre-shave, everything goes into it to make sure that it's the the safest, easiest manscaping experience that you've got. So right now you can go to manscaped dot com, use the code KFC and you get 20 percent off with free shipping.

And so you load up on your manscape products now that'll help, uh, keep the, keep the spark between you and the quarantine. Or if you're having someone, I mean, think about it. If you're having someone come over for quarantine sex, that means they're, they're risking themselves. They're really like when people say I shaved my balls for this. Yeah, you do. You got to shave your balls for quarantine sex. Cause that person might be risking their life. So go to manscaped.com, promo code KFC. But yeah, so we disagreed on the Manscaped. We agreed on the Taylor Swift stuff because, I mean, it is – it's about as shady and snake-like as it gets. I hate both of these people.

You love both of these people. So we're kind of in the same boat in a way, but where do you fall on it? Are you mad at Kanye? Because you usually stan Kanye, but you're also a Swifty. I blogged this weekend, Kevin. I made a blog that I am hashtag done with Kanye.

Whoa! Yep, yep, yep. Welcome. Come on over. You can't stand for this. I just can't stand for this You really can't though, I mean this is as fucking grimy as it gets And he knew it I've been in that boat so many times

When you know what you're about to say Is gonna like blow shit up So you just dance around it It took him 20 minutes And Kim thought it was great Oh and by the way, this producer said it was awesome. And I think it's going to be great. Just get to the point, dude, because I know what you're about to say is going to piss

me off. I did. I have like, this is probably some like deep-seated misogyny in the sense that I would go to the ends of the world to defend Kanye and his stupid fucking MAGA hats and his mediocre fucking music that I knew was mediocre.

Yeah! Yeah! I would just grasp onto anything I possibly could. With Taylor, I never had to defend her music, but when it came to her personality, I'd always just be like, eh, yeah, I get it. Yada, yada, yada, yada. I did a complete

180 in both situations here, in the sense that I will i will stand taylor's fucking personality now because i didn't watch the full video it's 25 minutes and not not even length it's just also clearly a young celebrity who is being pressured into doing something she doesn't want to do by like an older guy especially in like this time that's fucking hard to listen to which is yeah like what is that and like i mean it was tough like it was really tough to listen to but the uh she had two things i thought where i was like oh you are like a cool person she said i think once after a couple little bit of back and forth she she said, not in anger.

She just said, you know what? At this point, it's whatever. It's your story, and you got to tell it. You got to tell your story however it was you experienced it. And that's definitely a cool thing to say. Just like, yeah, man. You got to tell the way you experienced it. I don't like it, but, you know, whatever.

And it was just like, no, that's your story. However your story played out in your head is your story because every story plays out differently in everyone's head you know that's also that's also the words of a woman who knows that she has a billion fan army who's like i'm gonna tell my story and a lot of people are gonna believe me too so do whatever you gotta do dude and then she also said fuck and i am down with that oh i didn't what did she say there i didn't hear that part she said uh she said the theists are going to come after you, but you don't give a fuck about them. I like that.

I was like, all right, Tara. This is her. She has a marketing image. But I'd always thought that – I don't really put much stock in anyone's marketing image. Jesus Christ. I almost said marketing. It's smarter than that, John. In anyone's marketing image. Jesus Christ, I almost said marketing. It's smarter than that, John. In anyone's marketing image. But I

thought that she got famous at such a young age that her marketing image was her real image. That she didn't really have a regular personality. And between those two statements, I was like, alright, you are kind of cool and artsy the way it was. You gotta tell your story the way you experienced it. I think

an awesome thing to say. And then when she's like look feminists are gonna come after you but you don't give a fuck about them i'm like all right taylor i will fucking stand a queen right now yeah listen i i can't stand taylor swift and that that i don't know if it won me over but i was firmly on her side um i don't i don't really remember where i was like when this all came out i probably was bashing taylor and i'm a big i'm not a kanye guy but i'm a big kardashian guy so i was probably on their side but um i mean that was just like that was a young uncomfortable girl being like uh i mean except yeah like i I guess so, but I,

I'd really prefer not. And he was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, I thought you were going to call me like a stupid bitch.

And that, honestly, the worst part about Connie is like, that's probably like that gave him the ideas. Oh, call her a fucking bitch. Right. Like,

like, why did I think of that? You fucking manipulative, capitalistic dickhead. I mean, that was as damning as – I can't believe – so do you think that this is – I'm pretty sure you've always led the charge of, like, not everything is a Kardashian work. Because that was Dan's idea was that even this being out there is the kardashians at work again i just think like i can't believe chris jenner allowed this to happen if you're gonna do if you're gonna put those snapchat clips out there you've got to make

sure the original tape is gone you gotta fuck it can't get caught light that thing on fire right exotic style we'll talk about that in a little bit. You got to burn those tapes down. Dan was like, well, no, now they're back in the news. It's like, yeah, there is such thing as bad publicity and being like a lying, manipulative asshole. Like doing it originally, lying and manipulating, and then doctoring the tape and shit. Like that's some deep fucked up shit that I, like, that's actually a knock against them. Like, people will remember that. So for me to even defend Taylor,

that's how you know Kanye West was being a real cocksucker. Yeah, I will never buy Yeezy again, and that's not just because I haven't bought it in two years because it's too mainstream and kind of jumped the shark. I mean, the latest shit coming out is super wacky they like the the he he completely jumped the shark with the crocs type shoes and like the weird different ones i don't even mean just like the like there's still like cool like easy sneakers you can get but the it's just they're i it is that they're just too accessible and to be fair to him this

was his dream that you can get them everywhere. You're one of those. You're one of those. It is. Exclusivity is power. Yes, you'll buy me more money. It's probably what he always said. He's like, I don't want to sell my album to a few people who buy it first. I want to sell my album to everybody.

I don't think he's failing by doing i think he's kind of achieving what he wanted but it just makes them less appealing to me personally before so we're going to get into our voicemails uh we're going to talk about joe exotic the new uh the new netflix hit we've also got quarantine hunger games uh to break down but first uh speaking of quarantine i got a little bit of news here and it's bad news for my body fat because i am starting to settle into my prison routine and guess what three times a day three times a day three times a day yeah i got the uh where is it got the dummies right there okay doing body weight quads doing lunges doing jumping jacks doing fucking curls shoulder presses oh i'm doing it

all it's it's gonna be a problem for my body fat i'll tell you that right now i feel like i'm gonna have to i'm not yet because i'm still it's funny i got the results back saying no corona and everyone's like all right cool it's like i still feel like a fucking bag of shit I still can't really breathe my head still hurts but I feel like even I at some point I'm gonna have to do some sort of activity because it's different this time around like last time we were doing this I was 25 now we're 35 I'm 35 like my goodness like last time we were just working from home. Even just having a commute. I walk to the train station.

I walk from Grand Central. I get a mile or two in every day. If you count steps, I was always at 10,000 steps every day. Now that's gone. Even now, I'm going to to uh start doing something i mean i'm also going home soon i'm gonna go home i don't know at some point later in the week maybe the weekend and like we have a full gym at my house so i'll be i don't know if i settle in right it's all i'm actually looking forward to going home because my family is gonna be like my whole family

yeah that's gonna be awesome polly's gonnaolly's going to work out together and wrestle. Yeah, I was just going to say you, Benny, Papa Fights, you guys are going to be like bears wrestling in the den. All right, so we got to talk some things over. This is brought to you by Rad Power Bikes. So this is some wild shit. These power bikes are it's a cross between a traditional bike

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power bike today. So new life. I know people feel like it's been like a month. It's been a week. Okay. This is week two of quarantine and everyone's got to keep their composure. Now we are lucky. We are in an industry that, you know, we can just hop on Skype. We can still record for the most part. Um, we're still insulated. Everybody who works at the bars and the restaurants and the service industry times are bleak. Uh, I was trying to save Rathbones this weekend. If you are from New York city and you want to help out one of the local bars, or if you are like any of my early work, early days of Barstool, Rathbones was one of our first advertisers who kept the lights on for Barstool. So I'm trying to do the same for them. So if you have a cash app, you can donate to me at KFC Barstool.

But we are lucky enough that our jobs are not going away. I mean, could you imagine if right now it was also just like, and we got to let you go? Because, you know, I mean, I don't know what the fuck I would do. I have two kids. I've got, you know, child support. I got my own bills. I don't know what I would do. And that's the real reality for a lot of people out there. We are lucky, but at the same time, as we settle into this, we are starting to see how it's going to affect the content game. And right now, I get it. You guys aren't commuting. You guys aren't going to the gym. And so podcasting is in a little bit of a precarious position because all the times that you ordinarily would listen, because podcasts, some of you do alone. So you do that when you're by yourself. That's when you're working out. That's when you're

sitting alone on a quiet train, when you're walking to work, when you're sitting on the subway, when you're in the car, if you're quarantined at home with someone, you're probably talking a lot. You're watching the news to keep up with everything. It's not exactly podcast central time, but we need you guys to help us out. So we got to make sure, I mean, if you're listening to this right now, obviously you're still down with the cause, but make sure that you continue to rate and review and subscribe. And when I say continue, I mean, start to do again, because we'd never remind you guys to do that. Make sure you still tweet about it. If you added a favorite part of the show, make sure you engage with us on

social media. We're going to make sure that we are more active than ever to keep promoting and keep talking. Tell your mom to download it. Tell everyone in the house to download it. Right. Now's the time. Word of mouth is huge because so many people have so much extra time to kill. Your little sister's phone, take

it. Download it. Dude, I got a fucking cameo request when I was doing that for Rathbones. This guy sends me a message and says, my 14-year-old daughter loves KFC Radio and Barstool Sports. The only thing more – listen. The only thing more that she loves is her sleepaway summer camp. Yeah, she should love her summer camp. She should not love the podcast

with the two fucking 30-year-old men talking about licking assholes and stuff. What is going on? I also got the mom asking me to convince the husband to get a nose job for the seven-year-old. Get the seven-year-old a nose job? Yeah, we'll talk about that in one second. I just want to finish up the business talk. seven-year-old get the seven-year-old a nose job yeah we'll talk about that in one second before i

just want to finish up the business talk um you know podcast how they were down this week the whole industry is scared clients are nervous advertisers are nervous so now is the time like if you were thinking if you're on the fence about buying manscaped do it if you were uh you know you got a bonus you were gonna buy a nice big gift for someone, make it a rad power bike. Go get a movement watch. Go get all of our usual suspects. They're talking about what if we have to pull our dollars? What if your guys' numbers don't bounce back? a fan of the podcast industry in general, now is the time to make sure you do your part, which, you know, podcast listeners have always held up their end of the bargain. That's why the industry is such a powerful one because listeners actually go to the websites and use the promo codes and buy the services. So now's the time to show out better than ever because there is a little bit of a podcast scare going on right now. So let's make sure KFC radio and PMT and chicks in the office and everyone on the network continues to thrive.

So I would say, how about like before you go to bed at night, like at the time to wind down, make sure you pop in the podcast. Oh yes. Yeah. Cause a lot of people are probably sleeping in cause you don't need to commute anymore. Like I know that I like slept an extra hour. I get up and are probably sleeping in cause you don't need to commute anymore. Like I know that I, I like slept an extra hour. I get up and I just start working cause I don't have that commute.

So I'm not going to have my podcast time. So why don't you do it at the end of the night? Or, uh, we're going to be putting the podcast on, on YouTube. You can stream it to your television so you can consume it that way. But either way,

you got to make sure you keep using the promo codes, keep going to the URLs. We tell you to go to, because that's what keeps the clients around. And as long as our downloads are staying up, conversions are staying up, everything will be all good. So, yeah. So a couple of things. I was doing a cameo and there was a 14-year-old girl.

And I mean, I was just like, happy birthday. I know that you're upset that you don't get to celebrate your 14th birthday in the quarantine, but your quinceanera next year will be great. And have fun at sleepaway camp. 35 year old man out. What the fuck is going on here? And then the mom said,

and this is an interesting one. I didn't know where to go on this. And I, I did not like the fact that I might've been the deciding boat in someone's household. Uh, she said their seven-year-old, she didn't say what, but she said that their seven-year-old needs cosmetic surgery and that she wants to get it now because she thinks the kid's just going to be like bullied and made fun of his whole life. And did you not get cosmetic surgery on someone still growing? Well, that's what I'm saying. Like, I don't know if you're just talking about like breaking their nose and reshaping it. Yeah. I don't think that's the option.

If you, if it's like a, a mole or a wart or like a growth or something like that, I say you go snip that shit off. Oh yeah. That's fine. I mean, I hear no job. That's you don't think that yeah i think she said cosmetic surgery on his nose so i don't know you know yeah it leads you to think nose job oh yeah if you don't have to break it then fine take it off but if you got a big nose whatever man who cares you get made fun of a little bit who's the look i'm speaking from a place of knowledge here yeah um i'll defer to you yeah it's not that big deal i mean i don't know i did you ever get bullied for your nose and just like beat some kid up because

of it no i actually didn't get really really get bullied for it so that's maybe that's why i'm not coming to the right place were you always you were always kind of a big kid or that was only after you did the steroids um no i just love talking about your steroid use I was never a small kid I feel like you always could kind of hold your own I don't think anyone was going to bully you They probably wanted to bully that fat schnoz years But they knew they'd get beat up I was kind of skinny

Not skinny skinny Not like fucking Carabas or Robbie I guess I was probably just like average 16 year old size I was taller but like a regular year old size. I was taller, but like a regular body. Yo, my mom sent a picture. Uh,

we can add it to the list of, uh, of, of our like dickhead pictures. I don't know if you'll be able to see it. I was just a skinny fat little fucker from the very beginning. I don't know if you'll be able to see it when I hold it up, but

the reflection is too bad. It's so bad, dude. It is like, can you see that? No? No, I mean, I can't make it. I can see what you're doing. I'll put up the picture. Go to the at KFC radio Twitter.

So this is what we're going to do. I'm going to tweet this picture out. I want you to go look at the picture, engage with us, talk about the episode, spread the word. We'll hype up this episode, and you'll get to see a picture of me looking like a fucking skinny fat. My mom was like, you should put this out and say that you beat coronavirus. I was like, Mom, I didn't have coronavirus. The tests were negative. I love when you get content that goes to your parents.

Speaking of content, though, the Tiger King. The Tiger King. The premier content to surface thus far from quarantine. You know who's got all sorts of style, all sorts of drip? Joe Exotic, that's who. And I guarantee that Joe Exotic has joined the movement. Movement Watches, the number one watch company in the world right now, supplying you with fashionable yet affordable watches delivered right to your door.

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by them and make sure you get all your watch and sunglass accessories through movement. Right now, you can go to MVMT.com slash KFC and get 15% off plus free shipping and free returns. That's MVMT.com slash KFC for 15% off plus free shipping and free returns. Joe Exotic. Now that dude has style. That dude has panache, pizzazz. He has enough. First of all, First of All,

Tiger King is too long. Just like every documentary. Way too long. There was... I mean, way too much extra shit about Joe Exotic and the animals. It didn't get, like, good until the end of episode two. That's where it's really hooked me.

There's interesting stuff in the first two episodes, but that's an hour and a half of like things that really don't come up again. I mean, the whole thing there, the backdrop is the exotic animals and the zoo and stuff. But like, I don't need to know about how many pounds of meat they eat and what the industry is like and all that shit. Like, give me the basics

so I understand. I don't need to know about the animals. We're here to talk about, like, murder and crime and all that shit. It could have been a five-episode show, where it could have been... For sure. It's just become the norm with documentaries that they all have to be, like, seven, eight, ten episodes. It's insane.

Yep. But they don't have to be. They be they don't need like like doc antle didn't need to be in this he's an interesting guy he also follows 67 people on twitter i happen to be one of them um yeah follows you he hasn't like been active since 2018 so i don't know what i did in 2018 so he followed you oh shit. Yeah. That's making me more upset than the Kevin Bacon thing with you. Doc Antle. I mean, don't get me wrong.

I think that you could make a documentary about Joe Exotic. I think you could make a documentary about Doc Antle and Carole Baskin. If you talk to me about, like, Doc Antle is a rapist. Yeah. He's a cult leader rapist. He's a cult leader rapist. He's a cult leader, yeah. I don't know if you can use a hard R, but he's

definitely like a sexual harasser or like a... I mean, he's a statutory rapist. He's a predator, I guess you could say. I don't know what the rules are in Florida, but he said all those girls came when they were like teenagers and then they... Yeah, but I think it was all 17. I think it was... He. I think it was, he,

he pulled it. He pulled a fast one on us. He said one, the first person, I'm not, cause I noted it as well. He said the first person came when she was 17. And then the next ones he went,

I've known her for 14 years. I've known her for 15 years. So you like associated. 14, 15, 30. Yeah. But like,

maybe she came, but that might even mean maybe she came when she was 13. I'm going to smash the allegedly button on it, but there's some shady shit going on when you have young girls come into your compound and then you have multiple wives. That was some shit. I didn't need that in this episode.

Right. Or something like that. I think the first episode could have been like the big cat community is wild. And maybe you do a brief touch on everything, how everyone's eccentric, and then end it with, and this is the bad lady, Carol Baskin. She fed her husband to a tiger. By the way, she definitely did, right? I mean, there's no doubt about that hundred thousand percent i've never seen in all my years of consuming true crime content i have never seen

a smoking gun as bad as putting the word disappearance into the will right carol baskin went she she stole the power of attorney papers and the will, got new ones, and made sure that they said upon my death or disappearance, which, I mean, now that I'm thinking about it, does that kind of exonerate her? Because,

like, if he just, maybe she kind of exonerates her in the sense that she knew he was gone, but she just wanted that money. You know what I mean? Oh, like she – so she didn't have anything to do with the disappearance, but she did want to just snake the money? Yeah. Maybe.

I mean, that would be the angle I would play if I was Carole Baskin. Like, all right, listen, I'm a scumbag. I want this fucking money, but I didn't kill him. Yeah. I think it's – I didn't know he was dead. I just knew he disappeared, andumbag. I want this fucking money, but I didn't kill him. I think it speaks more to... I didn't know he was dead. I just knew he disappeared. And that's why I want that fucking money.

Yeah, I mean, I think it probably speaks more to I know that they're never going to find the body because I fed it to these cats and I want to make sure I get the money now. That lawyer... She still can't get it until he's declared legally dead. But they did declare him legally dead after five years and one day.

Right. So, but that's why like you don't even need disappearance in there. It's upon my debt. Right, right, right, right. So I don't know though. That was just like when that lawyer was like, I've never like in 35 years, no one's will has ever said that. And then it happens to say it in the one where there is a disappearance. Something is afoot.

I mean, that just kind of dawned on me that like, why would she put it if she was the one who made this appear? But I do tend to agree with you. When I first heard it, I was like, Oh, this is, this is a smoking gun.

You add as it gets Joe exotic for sure. Burn down that studio with all the tapes. Yeah. That was a clear as day. The footage of the, of the of the the lawyer going so the only copies of the tape like they like those are the only copies of the tape and he's like yeah he's like do you understand what i'm saying to you joe as thick-headed as can

be here's my thing i found myself rooting for joe exotic did you no i didn't find myself rooting for Joe exotic. Did you? No, I didn't find myself rooting for anybody. I, I like shows like this. I don't like, uh, I, I do think of the,

I think actually people were saying Joe's the most normal of the three. I do think it's Jeff low. I think, I think he's, he's just like a, a, a shithead like businessman, like a douchebag,

but yeah, he's pretty normal. Yeah. He like, he like has threesomes and does ecstasy. He's just like a shithead businessman. He's a douchebag, but yeah, he's pretty normal. Yeah, he has threesomes and does ecstasy. He's just like, yeah, bitches like fucking taking pictures with Instagram of fucking cats, so I bring them. But the... I did not

like the show, because it's everyone's a piece of shit. Oh, bleak. Like, the Kardashians are pieces of shit, but this is like, they're not appealing to look at. It's everyone's a piece of shit. And like, like, like, like the Kardashians are pieces of shit, but this is like, they're not appealing to look at. It's not. I mean,

Florida is a different galaxy. And that was the best representation of Florida. Huh? Joe's not in Florida. Oh, they're in Oklahoma, right? Yeah.

Yeah. That was weird. I felt like it was so fucking Floridian to me, but I mean, that was weird. I felt like it was so fucking Floridian to me, but I mean, it was just meth mouth and underage this and a bunch of straight I mean, shout out to Joe Exotica

he's also a predator. He just finds 17, 18 year old like wayward boys and makes them gay. And marries them. Marries all of them. You go on one date with Joe Exotic and he just makes you live with him. Hank did a tweet today that was

a little too spot on and it had run through my mind as well where Hank said I'm fucking done with Tiger King because it's just bizarre world barstool. It really is. Joe Exotic is very similar to Dave. And then

he just finds all these wayward kind of mishmashy, weird people who work with him. And then he marries the youngest one that's that is it's tommy smokes it's hank spiders getting in the mix now frankie yeah davis dylan uh the the joe finley it's it's

the parallels are absolutely there they're they're they're. They're glaring. Like I said, Hank tweeted it, but it didn't not go through my mind when I was watching. I mean, Joe Exotic is, like, delusionally narcissistic and confident. Had a preposterous run for local office. Dressed as ridiculous. Thinks he's the center of the world that the, the talk about how he watched the footage of him being King over and over and over again.

Dave has done nothing in quarantine except tweet old videos of himself. Like this is the time I did this. This is the time I did that. While I was watching himself. The, uh, the, I was going to say when the,

when, uh, I think her name was Saf. I forget her real name. It's like Saf or whatever. When she gets her arm ripped off and then Joe's immediate response was, I'm never going to financially recover from this. Dave absolutely said that sentence when Hank almost cut his finger off with a drum.

With a drum? I'm never going to financially recover. Which, by the way, I mean, and this is very similar to that chick when she got she she she elected to amputate her arm to save the brand like that's you know people like i gotta get back to work i gotta i gotta blog i'm gonna be i'm gonna be in trouble but i'll get a blog up in 30 minutes like dude you're dying no no no don't be mad at me. I mean. The GW Zoo is 100% early day Barstool Sports. Wow. 100%.

That, I'm going to have to go rewatch like the whole thing now. Just with that scope. That's fucking hilarious. It is. It is it to a T. It's disturbing. It's like, it's actually like, it's like what Barstool Sports, you know, we got lucky with churning and everything.

It's like, again, like Hank said, the bizarro world. Like if we didn't catch a few breaks, it's just us sitting in the Milton office eating the squirrels and just like Dave being like, you're lucky to be here. Here's $100 a week and you can eat the squirrels or the raw meat. And he has raging feuds with the local woman. That was KO Barstool's Carole Baskin, and he's just talking about Anna Sembor the whole time. And the Blackout Tour was like our local entertainment show.

Right. Where we're just putting up lights and green screens just trying to figure out how to be entertainers. Holy fucking shit. Down to the fucking government governor run. Like, it's crazy. We just need someone to hire his campaign manager the guy the guy worked at walmart right that's fucking weird haircut seth weird haircut seth would have would have dreamed to work at walmart he was a love of the low oh my god that is i'm so jealous of the people who have not yet started who are now going to watch with this framework in mind.

Joe Exotic is Dave Portnoy. Joe Finley is Hank. Dylan is Frankie. Frankie went on one date with him and then just was stuck with him forever. That's Dylan. I don't know if it's Dylan. It's Travis. It's going to end up –

Travis, Travis, Travis. Yeah. Travis. That was like – at one point he was like talking about – he's like, where do you – they're doing like a parade. He's like, where do you want to ride on the float? You want to ride with the animals? That was Dave being like, yeah, come on the private jet.

Like come. You can sit with the models with me. Oh, my God. Where do you rank? I can't decide whether Joe Exotic, the Tiger King, is really good or if it was just a product. I think whatever documentary came out right now with the quarantine, I think, was going to be popular. I think you're right. I know that Clem had heard of this and was, like, hyping it up right before quarantine. came out right now with the quarantine i think was going to be popular i think you're right i i

know that clem had had heard of this and was like hyping it up right before quarantine but i feel like this is a big product of the quarantine because i i mean it was good but the last like half i was on the phone every time i popped my head up i was like yeah i know we get it the fucking you know i thought the first two episodes were a waste. I thought the last two episodes kind of drowned. I think it was – I think there's a lot of whoa moments that are surrounded by a lot of fluff. I think even the first two episodes, you have the guy in miami who we just like there are so many whoa moments after that that you forget that there's a guy who owns a zoo who scarface was based on and he cut a federal

agent's head off with a fucking circular saw and that dude's an afterthought and i almost think they took i think that they they're a victim of they took too many documentaries and put it into one yes i read two agree interesting stories and put into one to the point where it kind of becomes a white noise where he's like oh yeah this person's a crazy piece of shit i i i would have loved to dive more into like was he under the septic tank did did he feed him to the tigers like focus once they put to bed the like the the don uh lewis don lewis whatever don him was that like and don by the way i mean what a world where the original wife and daughters are like crying and weeping over him when he was just like peace fuck you guys i'm out yeah yeah that was wild they're they're i mean everybody in that show

was a piece of shit yep 100 and like it's not it's again it's just it's just an appealing to the eye thing like you're ugly i don't want to watch you be mean you to be you should be in a suit or you should at least shower recently i don't want to watch ugly mean people i want to watch attractive mean people the amount of to watch attractive, mean people. The amount of people, too, that it was just like they just had nothing to live for. So they were like, yeah, I'll be like a handyman on this ranch. That's what he was. He got wayward souls.

Yeah. I mean, he literally operated like a serial killer where he'd get a call from downtown or whatever, Main Street. And they'd say, hey, someone just came in on a bus and they had nowhere to go. And he'd drive up in his car and be like, hey, you want to come work on a farm and eat fucking expired Walmart meat? It was – I mean everyone's a sociopath. Everyone is a problem in this. Just like Barstool Sports. God damn.

You know who the only one who's awesome was? Who? The only one who's awesome, Ted the only one who's awesome ted kirkham which one's that he's the uh oh the documentary guy yeah no no no the reality guy right right so uh minahan let me know he has a a documentary from like uh the 90s or like early 2000s that's all about him being like a drug addict and trying to get it's called tv junkie and it's like about him apparently that's like electric really yeah i liked him a lot when he's like i don't give a shit about your fucking rinky dink look right no i want my cameras in here filming us like and he was like og uh because i mean this all happened pretty long time

ago right so like you know he was on that reality TV trip, like let's fucking go. So that, yeah, it's called TV junkie, uh, with, uh, Kirkham. It was his name that, that, that might be the next thing to go watch. I think that we should probably try to pick out certain things to keep watching and keep talking about here in quarantine because without sports, uh, we don't have anything to watch. We don't have much to debate about. so we're going to have to watch TV, and we're also going to have to discuss our TV and debate TV. I saw you mixing it up on Twitter, Final Bird.

Dude, I tweeted last night that it was just a question. I actually just wanted to tweet the clip of Nick Miller because it was a – Nick Miller is like my – oh oh i can relate to that with basically everything he does uh-huh he was one of my best guests he was great uh oh he was awesome and that was like before we had guests he was like he was very very cool yeah but it was it was him in a bar wearing his uh confidence jacket and this girl was just like you seem i love sad guys and you seem sadder than most and he's like she's like do you

do you go home in the mirror do you go home and just look in the mirror and be like I am the worst actually yeah I do and she's like do you hate yourself definitely don't like myself we're on the borderline and I just didn't want to tweet that clip with like lol me so I just

threw a caption on that was uh isn't the miller top five sitcom star uh character he's be borderline and i have sparked a debate it's i mean it's not some top five is high crazy high but he's gonna buy that i i i think i would have him at at worst top seven and i think he might sneak top five but here i do have stipulations first stipulation i i and and i get most of these are crazy right um i don't count premium channels as sitcoms. It's technically a situational comedy. Fair. I get it. I feel like a sitcom needs commercial breaks.

Okay, so we're throwing out Curb. Veep, Out the Window. Oh, okay. Okay. I do feel like that's fair, though. Like, network TV, cable TV is kind of a – it's a different animal. So I like that category. I don't know what sitcoms are.

To me. I don't know why. So Ent entourage people were buying ari gold out the window nope not on the list um but the uh what was it i think i think the only problem i found the only problem that would keep them out of the top five is it's always sunny in philadelphia well this is the problem is like i mean you could say that the that the funniest five characters on TV are from one show. Therein lies the issue. When I do this, I try to almost pick one person per show in a way. Yeah, I had Charlie Kelly at number two.

And to me, I put Charlie Kelly because he makes me laugh out loud the most. But his name represents It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I feel like, for me, I feel like it's Dennis. I feel like Dennis best represents the narcissism and the sociopath-like selfishness, craziness of Sunny. Yeah, well, I tend to gravitate towards the idiot alcoholics um yeah like those are i think it's it's one of those two because it's either like the craziness and the selfishness or like the the like the scumbaggedness you know what i mean like they're he's just trying to tell us like the scumbaggedness. You know what I mean?

He's just trying to tell us like the fucking gutter. So I would say you got to go with someone from The Office, someone from Sonny, someone from Seinfeld. I would say someone from Arrested Development. We strayed on Arrested Development. So far, you're knocking out of the park with my top five word and and here another simulation i had don't come to me with fucking tv shows that are old when i say all time i mean since i started watching tv okay what was like an old like what what you're talking about rear admiral probably what did he say he didn't say anything

but yes he would absolutely fall into this category. Um, but who were like, where's coach coach. Yeah. But also now I feel like you're gonna be in hypocritical. Cause I feel like you would now allow cheers in your life. I allow it,

but he's not like, I like the show, but he's not on my list. Okay. He's not gonna. Yeah. Cause, um,

it's, it's, I, I almost think that, like, all time has transitioned into regularly – Modern. But not – regularly rewatched. Like, I like Tears. I think Dan's an awesome character.

I think he's fucking hilarious. I think it stands – I think all the jokes stand the test of time. I don't rewatch it regularly. I think that like, if you're not rewatching it regularly, then they can't be on your list. Okay. I like that.

I like a lot of the syndication shows and a lot of the shows you put on as your bingeable show. You're also running to like, like family shows versus like, you know, true, like, like if you really want to break it down the fresh

prince is probably one of the best fucking characters ever but is it like the funniest no you know so if you're just talking about who you find funny the shows that i really laugh like ted dunphy too again like modern family is hilarious but also it's a little too heartfelt. Yeah, so I think there's, like, family shows, Boy Meets World, Modern Family, Fresh Prince, like, all that kind of shit is – those are, like, you know, memorable, nostalgic shows, but I don't think they're funny. The shows that I laugh at are The Office, Seinfeld, Arrested, Sunny, and that's kind of it. That's, like, my Mount Rushmore. I don't think – I'm not thinking of a fifth that jumps out that much. See, I had one office.

I also didn't watch Parks and Rec, so that's a big miss for me. I know. And 30 Rock for you, right? Yeah. I would take out Arrested. Arrested has kind of lost it for me, and I think that's due to its intro. Its intro was a little jarring. Maybe it's just because I'm more – because I've actually rewatched Arrested recently, and it's still so fucking funny.

But there's just something about it that's missing to me now. Well, the worst thing that ever happened to Arrested was the new seasons. They should have just left it be, and I think the legacy would have been a lot better. I think maybe some of their – I think a lot of their jokes are almost jarring. It's really funny when you first hear it, and then when you hear it for the seventh time and tenth time. Well, a lot of it is so clever, and you have to connect these words, and when you do, it's almost like a reveal.

Exactly. But then once you know it, you know it. It's like re-watching – when you re-watch Usual Suspects, you're not like, every time they do Kaiser Jose. It's like you can't you can't ever it's like re-watching like when you re-watch usual suspects you're not like every time they do kaiser soze it's like yeah i think that's i think that's a big part of their jokes again it's almost being a victim of of being too good too good yeah or like they're unbelievable and but like by the fifth time you see it's like yeah he blew himself i get it right right um but the uh i said i love arrested but I don't think I'd have anyone arrested in my top five. I mean I got to go Joe Bluth. I mean –

Joe was so fucking – come on, the guy in the $1,500 pants. Come on. He's top ten. I'll give him top ten. It is also – there's – it's very hard to get angry at this debate. Yeah. Because everyone is like, yeah, I mean he's hilarious. You can't get mad and be like – you think like like the only way you can get mad is someone

tweeted me last night i had jack bauer in it i'm gonna get mad if you put jack bauer in top five sitcoms uh yeah just gonna get mad um you know what that is that's a person i guarantee that person just thought that sitcom means that you're on like nbc or fox like he didn't realize it means situation like a TVS show. They had Psych, which I also don't think is technically a sitcom, but Sean Spencer is a great character. But it's – I went Michael Scott, one. Charlie Carley, two.

Costanza, three. Jack Donaghy, four. 30 Rock. And then, I mean, yeah, there are plenty of sunny guys who could fit in there. But I almost feel like you're making it too top-heavy. Yeah. It's like the selection committee where you're like, well, we can't have like four.

Training teams, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's probably a dated reference. I don't know how the ACC is doing at basketball this year. But at least we really did a college basketball. It doesn't matter this year. But, yeah, I mean, I think Miller's right there. I think Nick Miller's right there. I would probably go Costanza one, Michael Scott two.

No. Man, this is so hard. But, yeah, I think, like, Sonny is the funnier show but character better is is michael scott so i go costanza michael scott dennis reynolds joe bluth who am i missing who's my other show that i'm missing? I'm not missing a show. I guess I would go. I feel like I'm going to throw Frank Reynolds because I feel like he's like separate from the gang. You know what I mean?

Like he kind of came on and Danny DeVito is a bigger star. So if there's one differentiator I can throw out there with, with Sonny, it would be that. So those would be my five. That is a good one. But Miller, you'd like,

I would, I do like Miller. And what, what I have Miller, I, you'd like, I would, I do like Miller and what, what I have seen, maybe, maybe now finally I'll take the, the plunge. Cause I do like every time I've seen 30 rock, I think it's funny.

Every time I've seen new girl, I think it's funny. You've been a, a, a network TV racist. Yes. Big time. Yes.

I was always like, you know, if it's on fucking NBC, it's not funny. But the problem with all these shows is the, it's a daunting task when it's like, I'm going to start something and binge seven seasons. Yeah.

Whatever. It's, it's a lot. A lot of those are heavy and they're not heavy because they're actually light viewing, but it's just a lot to consume when I'm like, Oh, watch the new joe's out i gotta watch the new thing i gotta keep up with what's going on but maybe i'll try to sneak uh sneak a couple in here and there which out of out of 30 rock parks new girl which one should i which should i do i think new girl is

crazy hot in the streets i don't know what it was. I think New Girl was popular on Fox. Obviously, it got six seasons, I think. But every time I tweet about New Girl, everyone loves it. Yeah. I think it's up there within that pantheon now of the streaming, rewatch shows. I don't even think people rewatch New Girl. You never rewatch The Office.

It's just you kind of put it on. I think at this point, people don re-watch New Girl. You never re-watch The Office. It's just you kind of put it on. I think at this point, people don't re-watch New Girl. They just throw on an episode. You know what I think the problem is? I think when I thought of that show, I don't really care for Zooey Deschanel, but I feel like it's not her. It's everyone else. And she's also good at it.

I'm not a huge Zooey Deschanel guy. She's also great at it. But if that's like when you think of – it's almost like when you think of Seinfeld. It's actually like Kramer, Costanza, Elaine. But Jerry is good enough, whereas I feel like if people are like, I don't want to watch a show about that girl, when you've got to realize it's the rest of the crew that's funny.

Yeah. I mean, it absolutely is dude nick miller has so many goddamn golden lines kevin he i was just re-watching last night and in like two episodes he goes he doesn't want to go in the water he doesn't trust fish because they breathe air and that's crazy um he uh what? He doesn't, he's not convinced he's learned how to read. He thinks he just memorized a bunch of words. Um, he had, uh, what do you go? Oh, he's shit face at a bar and Schmidt comes up to him and he's trying to convince him to say he's a good person.

And, and Schmidt's Nick Miller's shit face. And Nate Schmidt's like, it's like, it's noon. What even happens the rest of your day? Have you even thought about that? And he's just like, you don't understand drinking at all. He's really the most relatable character ever. And relatable, I think

this is due to like the uh you know tweet gangs remember uh kb has done like uh blogs about these people who just like all retweet each other yeah or they go viral and it's like everyone everyone of their tweets is like they have like 14 000 followers but every one of their tweets has like 70 000 retweets yep it's i think the phrase relatable has gotten a bad rep because of those people because all their tweets are relatable. Relatable just means that you're connecting with people. And I would put him as the most relatable person,

character, maybe the most relatable sitcom character ever. Cause he's a regular dude. Like everyone else you're talking about, like Costanza is a fucking lunatic. Everyone on, on Sonny's a fucking lunatic. Everyone on Sonny's a sociopath. Michael Scott is, like, embarrassingly stupid.

Right. This is, like, you know, a normal guy. And he has, like, he has real moments. He has regular episodes where it's just, like, you know, like, I'm sad this episode or, like, this upset me or whatever. And then he's also just fucking laugh out loud funny. Top five. Miller, number five.

I mean, the people who have recommended New Girl to me, I very much trust. So it might be time for me to take the New Girl plunge. As soon as this starts, this ends, I'm doing a rewatch. And you're screwing with me. What is it on, Hulu? Netflix. Netflix.

All right. Nice and easy then. All right then. Tweet us your top five sitcom characters. Tweet us your most relatable and any other criteria you have for your top list of TVs. And we'll try to, you know, throughout the quarantine, we'll do we'll do more type TV type content because that's what everybody's got. So I mean, we got to watch now. So let's get into quarantine hunger games. It's brought to you by SimpliSafe. So if shit goes down and the hunger games breaks out,

you got to make sure that you can protect your house, protect your loved ones, and protect your belongings. I was just going to go to the water. I got to come back and congratulate you on that. What an idiot that was. Crushed it. Best in the game. You're telling me that clients are going to run away from ad reads like this?

I don't think so, SimpliSafe. You're signing up for another round right fucking now because that's what I do. I segue like a motherfucker. So when Hunger Games breaks out and you got to protect your house, you got to protect your loved ones, you got to protect all your belongings, SimpliSafe is the number one home security system in the world. It is affordable. It is easy to install. It's not going to make you jump through hoops and do backflips. It's not going to trap you in any long-term contracts. It's just a quality security system that's affordable, that shoots you straight. Anyone can do it. It takes 30 minutes, maybe an hour tops to install. There's no trade offs for your safety. You'll have an army of highly trained security experts that are ready to dispatch the police or the fire department to your home in a moment's notice, 24-7. It doesn't

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through my jaw is just like i just want to cut my fucking head off. Anyway, my teeth hurt so much. You're like a migraine faker. Huh? Sounds like a migraine, you faker. Yeah, I said that. I said I have such a bad headache, it's worse than the one your girlfriend fakes every day. So you saw this tweet, and it was this person decided to make the districts

for Hunger Games. If you're not familiar with Hunger Games, it's post-apocalyptic world where all of the world is broken up into different regions called districts. So the United States was broken up into 12 different districts. And this person just picked different like swaths of state to organize. So let me pull up the tweet here if you go to twitter uh at kfc radio you can obviously see so basically um district one is southern california district two is like the four corner states kind of district three is like a weird little strip. What is that, Vegas and Denver?

It's basically just like it's Vegas and like Utah. Vegas and Utah? Vegas and Utah. All right, there's the map. This is cool. If you're watching on YouTube or the video on Gold, you can see it now. So three is Vegas and Utah. Where's four, by the way?

Four is all the way over to Florida. So Florida plus like the Gulf Coast. Five is a little bit of Minnesota, a little bit of Iowa, a little bit of Michigan. Boy, I was definitely going to say Chicago. Yeah, I don't know where Chicago is in Indiana. So Chicago could either be in five, six, or nine. Nick, are you there? You're going to know the answer to that.

Where's Chicago? It's in six. Okay. Six, huh? No, I was definitely going to say five. I was going to say nine. We all had poor answers. So five is like nothing then.

Six is Michigan plus like a bunch of the shit around the Great Lakes. Seven is the Pacific Northwest basically. Eight is just like smack in the middle of the country with Kansas and Nebraska. Nine is... Nine sucks. Nine sucks. What's nine? Nine is like

Kentucky, a little bit of Kentucky, a little bit of Tennessee, a little bit of Indiana, a little bit of Arkansas? No, Oklahoma? No. What's above Arkansas? I mean... Tennessee, a little bit of Indiana, a little bit of Arkansas. No, Oklahoma? No.

What's above Arkansas? I mean, Nebraska? You're asking the wrong – I've been flabbergasted by how you've been – I guess you're nailing this. I don't know. No, I don't know. I might have – Nick, am I anywhere right on this? It's Missouri.

Missouri. Fuck Missouri. Say. Fuck Missouri. Say we hate Missouri. We're relevant sons of bitches. We did a whole fucking episode on how much Missouri sucks, and we still couldn't remember where it is. 10 is just Montana and the Dakotas and a little bit of Idaho sucks. 11's got strength in numbers because it's got all of Texas, all of Oklahoma,

and then that whole bottom of the south. Yeah, it's got Louisiana. It's got Bama. It's got Georgia. It's got most North Carolina, most South Carolina. Yeah, 12 is what's that? DMV, I think. Yeah, it's like the DMV area.

And then 13 is the Northeast. So let's go. I mean, we can just go pretty quickly through most of this. One, LA, fucking no. Two. What would you say? Who's going to win or like who you want to be in? Oh, you're in where you fucking no. Two. What were you saying? Who's going to win or who you want to be in? Oh, you're in where you're from.

Okay. Oh, yeah. Duh. Okay. Two, fucking no. Was it Denver, a little New Mexico? No. Three, Vegas.

Fucking no one even lives in Vegas. You're putting a lot of – by the size of this fucking sliver, you're saying that Vegas is like the baddest man around? Fucking no chance. I'm not scared of Vegas. If you were going to do – like I think four is an appropriate one. Four is basically just Florida, but Florida I'm not fucking with. So I think that's a good representation.

I don't know why three is so small. Florida and New Orleans. New Orleans you don't want to fuck with either. I think four is my early front runner right now. Oh, I think you're completely wrong. I think there's only two real competitors here. Again, are we talking about like chaos breaks out and we're fighting to the death? Yeah.

Okay. Four is not a joke okay yeah i mean four is no la four is no uh district seven which is like fucking seattle and san francisco four no uh district six i'm not scared of districts i'm not scared of the great lakes four is no four is four might be a solid third place, but there's a big separation between third place and one and two. Are you saying, what, 13 and 11? 13 and 11. 13 is the Northeast where the civilized ones with brains and money.

I mean, 13 is Boston, Philly, and New York City. You got the fucking mountains up there. So we got our rednecks too. We got New Haven. city yeah you got the fucking mountains up in so we got our rednecks too we don't yeah we got we got we got new appellation hillbillies they are they're not to be trifled with yeah no 11 has all of texas all of the guns all of the southern racists um i mean that's that's and that's the problem is we have to decide how the hunger games operate. I've never seen the films or I've never read the books. So, like, it mostly starts with just hand-to-hand combat, right?

Because in that case, I'm taking 13. If they can bring their guns, then – No, actually, I kind of know how Hunger Games work. You got to outsmart, right? It's outsmart. Let's say – So the Hunger Games, they take all these people so you're not fighting like in in the country you're you're fighting inside like a dome right

that it has uh different terrains so i think sometimes you're in like a rainforest other times you're in mountains and then they have like um like little like parachutes will fall in with weapons or nourishment or medical supplies. So you got to be able to hide out. You got to be able to stake out, kill people, but also get all the goods and shit like that. So it's a good mix of brute strength and also smarts and all that kind of shit. 13. Take it 13. I'll ride or die with my guys

if yeah like if if it was like right now 13 and 11 walk out of your apartments we go meet in the park and square up i'll take 11 because they can bring their own guns right but if you're if you're dropped in with nothing and then it's it's uh out with outlast type situation i'm taking 13 i'm taking i'm taking my guys from boston to new york but i don't know i mean like you know i am not there's a lot of people who are going to be like me it's like i i you know maybe you make your money on wall street i make my money being funny when shit goes down i'm not really useful everyone in 11 is is is uh physical physically capable they're working on farms they're working

on fucking oil rigs and all that shit no no i know plenty of people from texas i know too uh i know i know plenty of people from texas who i would not take to my war with with me here um but if you're picking if you're picking like the states are most physically – like physical labor, it's going to be those states. I think we have the brains. We definitely have the brains. 13 has the brains, no doubt. But in the cities. And then I think we got a lot of fucking woodsmen up here.

I think we got Western Mass, we got upstate New York. Like I said, we got the – I don't know if they would fight with us though. I feel like they hate us. I feel like they would kill us. Nah, they'd be with us. I think we got Western Mass, we got Upstate New York. Like I said, we got the – I don't know if they would fight with us though. I feel like they hate us. I feel like they would kill us. Nah, they'd be with us. We'd just be like, go Pats.

They'd be good. Let's go Bills. Yeah. Go Bills. Bills Mafia. You set Bills Mafia as the front line and they just go run and like kill themselves first? Yeah. Bills Mafia is huge.

That's huge to have in here. I didn't even think about that. Upstate New York? Fucking A. Send the Gronks in and they do the first wave of battle and then we come in and pick off the scraps. Yeah, we have Rob Gronkowski on our team.

Granted, this is basically all of SEC country. SEC and Big Ten. That's what I'm saying, though. These are born-fed, thick boys. I'm still going with my guys. I think Region 13 is not to be trifled with. I mean, we have Philly, Philly scumbags.

Philly scumbags, yeah. We have the scumbag Philly, Bill's Mafia. We have the Mountain Men. Assholes. We got the scumbag Philly, Bill's Mafia, we got the Mountain Men. Assholes. We got the fucking... Assholes, yeah, I think... Maine has, like, you know, like the... the Wildings, basically.

Like, north of the fucking wall. The only issue that would happen with our squad is that SEC country... I don't know, I guess they may run into the same issue where if SEC country just started fighting with each other about SEC stuff, like we could get into like a Boston, New York, Philly war. Right.

That's what I'm saying. There's, there's so much dissension within our world alone. Like I'd be on the battlefield in, in, in, in hunger games. And I'd be like pointing my gun at a Texas boy and I could see a Yankee Goomba run by. I'm sorry. I got gun at a Texas boy, and I could see a Yankee Goomba run by. I'd be like pow, pow, pow. I'm sorry. I got distracted by a Yankee skell.

The only thing I'm still worried about for – I'm just worried about Florida coming in hot with like Crystal Meth and bath salts and Joe Exotics and the fucking Tigers. Oklahoma. I know. All right. So that's – all right. Well, then 11 just got stronger. My pick is 11. My pick is actually 11.

I have a lot of confidence in 13, but I feel like 11 is the biggest and, like, the strongest. And I just feel like four is going to come with some level of, like, walking dead shit that it's just like you can't kill him. It's like, I don't know. I fucking shot him with a gun, and he just, like, kept coming at me with meth mouth. I't know four is all right four is not four is not the worst they're a solid number three but i i got 13 1 11 2 who do you think

everyone else garbage i think i think eight might be the worst eight could be eight completely non-descript like like you could you might be able to tell me that in region one that there's just like a trillion people crammed in there they might just have like a ton of la gangbangers i just there's nothing about eight that you could tell me that i that i'd be like oh wow i didn't think about that in kansas like what this is fucking nothing eight eight means nothing to me nine means nothing to me. Nine means nothing to me. Wait, actually, is Chicago in nine? Chicago's in five.

Okay, yeah. It's in six. Five means nothing to me then. Most of this, like most of the country, means nothing. I mean, you don't bother me. Ten, as big as it is, probably has ten total people.

Yeah, right, right. And then C is the capital, which is just like the center where the four – where like – what's that? That's Utah, Colorado. New Mexico and Arizona. Oh, you mean with C? I don't know with C. Why is it called the capital?

That's just where in the Hunger Games there's the capital, where the rich people are. So that's just not what it is here. Yeah, I don't know why that would be the capital. I think they just picked randomly, but the capital is pretty nondescript. So either way, so I'm going 11. You're going 13. I think we're pretty much firmly in agreement.

Those are the one and two. Four would be third. Then from there, I think it's like a free-for-all. Yeah. I think seven sucks too. The DMV might have – I think the DMV has got most of West Virginia here too it seems. West Virginia has some hillbilly shit,

and you also got like the inner city Baltimore. That'll fuck you up. Yeah. That's not a complete joke, but it's too small. Seven with the Pacific Northwest is just going to be like granola hippies and shit, right? Portlandia. Get the fuck out of here. You're going to get a double dick suck.

Fucking suck a double dick. And then poor Alaska and Hawaii, they're not in this? No. Fuck them. double dick and then poor alaska and hawaii just get there's they're not in this no fuck them so let us know uh united states hunger games when shit really pops off and this is how it's gonna go this is what's next we're gonna declare martial law next thing you know we'll be living in districts and then you know it's every man for himself so tweet at us at kfc radio let us know which district you're from and which district you think would win. It's time, of course, to wrap up with our voicemails.

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buy our games and keep the money coming in so that we can keep the content coming out. What do you, what do you, what are you smirking about over there, John? Nothing. Let me get these voicemails up.

Voicemails. We also need to make sure you guys keep the voicemails up. Voicemails. We also need to make sure you guys keep the voicemails coming. So call 646-807-8665. John, you have five to pick from. Pick a number. Three. I almost said six. All right.

Let's go. Hey, what's up, guys? Got a question for you. If you had to go to the bathroom, like, either a cat for the rest of your life or a dog for the rest of your life, what would it be? The dog meaning, obviously, you have to shit outside all the time. And piss outside, obviously. And a cat meaning you have a human litter box that's, like, basically a telephone booth, I guess, that you have to go to the bathroom in all the time what would it be thanks viva well i mean theoretically don't we just don't we use a litter box now it's just called the toilet it's the bathroom yeah what's it we gotta be a

dog or a cat yeah i mean what are we doing here cat right, right? What? Yeah. You want to have to go outside every time you have to go to the bathroom? Oh, I missed the bathroom part. I thought it was just do you want to be a dog or cat? No, bathroom, bathroom, bathroom. God, that's a tough one actually now. Don't we already do what cats do? Like cats have a designated spot indoors that they go pee and poop. He said it would be like if you went into a phone booth to pee.

I'm like, that's called a bathroom. Yeah, but imagine you got to leave it there, right? Well, yeah. But here's the thing. The cat doesn't – like if I had a litter box that I peed and shit in and then someone else's job was to come and scoop it and clean it, I wouldn't care. If I have to clean it, that would suck but you know what i'm going to have to cats don't clean their own shit they just shit in the box i'm going dog you're gonna go outside every time you have to pee every time i might regret this decision one day when it's raining when it's nighttime when it's morning

you wake up in the middle of the night like a dog and they're like, let me out. Let me out. I got to pee. I got to pee. You're going to get up and you're going to go outside. Dude, there's nothing like a nice outside piss. And if it could be socially acceptable that to just fucking rip a piss in the middle of the sidewalk, I'd be I'd be like a fucking I'd be pissing like a bat hanging from fucking streetlights. I'm I'm I'm confused as to how you were...

That bat has a dick. It had a little dick. I knew they'd pee from their dicks. Yeah, what were you so surprised about? That was where... Huh? Him hanging in the chin-up position? Well, I mean, that's how bats hang like that.

And then he just... I didn't even know bats had hands. I thought bats had wings and feet. Well, they have, like, hands, like, on their, like – where are their hands? They're on their wings. Right, right, right. Okay. I didn't know that bats had wings on their hands.

That's where I would imagine his dick would be, right? Well, no, I wasn't surprised. I didn't mean – I didn't say I wasn't surprised where he pisses from. I'm surprised how he pissed, which is, no, I wasn't surprised. I didn't mean, I didn't say I wasn't surprised where he pisses from. I'm surprised how he pissed, which is like, switches over, does a fucking full sit-up, grabs the rope, lets his fucking, lets his body

hang, and just rips piss everywhere. Tell you what, bats have, their dicks not impressive. Very tight. Oh, I was actually, I thought it was kind of decently sized, like, comparatively. I guess, like i guess like proportionally speaking yeah it probably was pretty big the yeah i'm like we noticed it the fucking guy's the size of my fist and we're like whoa that's a dick yeah okay the um probably less than the size of my fist but uh but then like the full body shake

he does afterwards yeah he's gotta shake it off you were very dismissive of that piss that was a magnificent piss well no i was not i was impressed with it but it was just like that's how i would imagine a bat bats hang upside down then just gotta flip flop their dick out piss and shake curl back up i would think it was my pee and then come back if i if i gun to my head that's probably how i would i guessed did i tell you a bird shit on me the other day? No. Like the last day of work. It's probably like two Fridays ago, whatever. I was – and it serves me right.

So I was walking home and there was this homeless guy sitting in Herald Square just like slumped over dead. And I wanted to get a good picture of him because I wanted to make a coronavirus joke. And I sat down to get the picture and the bird shit on me. And I was like, shame on me for being a fucking an asshole trying to take a picture of this dead homeless guy. Bird just shit right on me. It's like, God damn it. All for the content game. That is some good karma.

By the way, speaking of the bats, could you imagine being that one fucking asshole who ate bat soup and ruined the world? Are we sure that's where it came from? I always feel like – We're sure. We're sure. Who's sure? Where's this article?

Dr. Oz said it. Remember Dr. Oz? He was like, it started with bats, and then somehow it mutated and got into a human because he didn't want to say some stupid fucking Asian ate a bat. That's how it happened. How else would it have happened? I don't know. People eat bats, right? I almost feel like it's like you ate a bad bat. I'm not going to blame the bats.

I'm going to blame the person eating the bats. I think it's like you ate bad meat. It's not like cows. It's just like that was a bad cow. Maybe I'm wrong. I just thought bats were something they would regularly eat. I think it was someone who just decided for the first time ever in 2020 to try a bat. I can't imagine bat soup is anything that Asians and Indians are probably eating bats, and that's it.

I don't know. I just don't think it's a crazy meal. I don't think it's something that someone just had for the first time. I think it was an ill bat or a bat who had. I don't think it's something that someone just had for the first time. I think it was an ill bat or a bat who had, I don't know. Bats have been hunted by Aboriginal Australians for thousands of years.

The fucking Australians. That's who it is. God damn it. Anyway, if I could just an outdoor piss is the premier piss, but it would probably lose its luster if I was just – I mean an outdoor piss is the premier piss. But it would probably lose its luster if I was just allowed to do it. Well, that's not only is it allowed, but you have to. Right.

So you would be mad when you're sitting on the couch in the air conditioning and you got to go outside or it's raining, it's snowing, it's cold, it's dark, it's late, it's early, and you can't just pee in the house. I just pee out my window. It's not a It's snowing. It's cold. It's dark. It's late. It's early. And you can't just pee in the house. I just pee out my window. It's not a bad idea. Yeah. I mean, I'll open my window and just piss. What are you going to do? I feel like that's a loophole. I'm not going to allow it.

That's a loophole I'm not going to allow. Why? Because it's just cheating. It's like you're pissing indoors, but you're outdoors. You got to either go all the way out or stay all the way in. All right. Being team indoors, I'll're outdoors. You got to either go all the way out or stay all the way in. And I'm like, being team indoors, I'll deal with the fucking litter box. Imagine if humans just shit

in litter boxes. It's also part of where I live. If I could live in... You can live in my parents' house. I don't have to live in the middle of nowhere. If I had a nice yard, I'm choosing outside. In fact, in my parents' house,

the outside is closer to where I watch TV than the bathrooms. There's a door to the backyard right there. I'd do it anyway. But if it was something where my mom came and saw me,

she wouldn't get mad. Then you're good. that would be ideal. Pauly. How's Pauly handling all this? Pretty good. Chilling. Pick a number. I almost said six again.

What is it with six right now? One. What's up, KFC, BC, and of course, Poop Guy Feidelberg. You are – John. What? So that guy called you Poop Guy. A very pretty girl tweeted at us at one point over the quarantine and said something like, now that you guys are the Poop Podcast we gotta we gotta we gotta make a conscious effort to rebrand done i i never made a conscious effort to rebrand or brand or anything we gotta we gotta we gotta go unbrand because we used to be the non-poop

podcast that way you became the poop podcast we gotta go back to our old ways now well yeah we just let it happen you can't we're just gonna look let's see what we're in the mood to talk about this week next next two weeks. Maybe it's something different. Maybe it's poop again. I don't know. You never know with KC Radio. Go with the flow.

Whatever's in the mind that day, go with it. What's this poop thing got to do here? I've got a little two-part am I the asshole for you. Part number one is, well, was all the corona bullshit going on? Am I the asshole for trying to rally my friends and go bar hopping at night because I'm just trying to get fucked up and forget how shitty the world is?

And two, would I be the asshole for insisting that we exclusively drink corona beer while we're out tonight. Thanks, Neal. I can't really hear these voicemails. I'm assuming this came in prior to the full shutdown, but he wants to know if he's the asshole for trying to rally up his friends to go bar hopping and if he's the asshole for saying that we must

exclusively drink Corona beer, which is just – You're the asshole for both of those reasons. Both of those reasons. If one was, hey, I'm at my apartment with my roommate and we're going to go to the beer run and I want to get exclusively Corona beer, asshole. Asshole. If you want to go outside and do anything – Dude, first of all, let's talk about this. Stop going the fuck outside. Done talking about it. One, first of all, let's talk about this. Stop going the fuck outside.

Done talking about it. Come on, that's it. It's crazy. It's crazy to me that people... It's insane. It's absolutely insane. All you have to do is sit on the couch.

Dude, someone was saying today... Oh my God, I can talk about this. I've actually made a concerted effort to distance myself from it because it's fucking me up. But they were like, I was watching a doctor break it down

today where he's like, the flu, you could track, you pass it on to 1.3 people probably. So if you infect one person 10 times down the line you've infected about 14 people okay if that person gives it someone that person gives someone that person gives someone you you're responsible about four infections this one you pass to three people guess what that number is extrapolated 10 times down the line 53 000 people 53,000 people you infected. Holy shit. Stay the fucking side for a little bit.

And, like, I know, I know. I've been training for this my whole life. It's easy. It doesn't bother me at all. I'm very good. I'd be a great fucking prisoner. But just you don't get to see your girlfriend. You don't get to see your fucking friend.

It's three months. Be pragmatic about it. It's really not that long a time. You're going to be here for fucking 80 years. It's three months. Be pragmatic about it. It's really not that long a time. You're going to be here for fucking 80 years. It's not a big deal. Obviously, I'm with you. When I hopped on the rundown today, it was like I was shamed

to no end. Dave called me a pussy. Dan's saying he can't do it anymore. I was like, what do you mean? It's been a week. Can't do it anymore. I was like, what about when we have It's been a week. You're a week. Can't do it anymore. He's like, I was like, what about when we have a week off for Christmas break?

And he was like, yeah, but sports are on. I'm like, all right. Any bowl games really make that big of a difference. Put on a movie, put on a TV show.

Like I, I can't believe that people are already like, right. This is not sustainable. If it was, it could be a cold take in two months. It could be like, oh, I gotta get outside. But right now, it's just

listen to the fucking doctors. Smart people are talking. You know when you don't know something and you ask someone who knows better? These people know better. I was explaining, it's like my dad. I'm like, look, if I need insurance help, Dad, I call you and you just do it. I'm letting an expert take care of it right i'm gonna let an expert take care of it they

say don't go outside so i'm not going outside and guess what if you're fucking smart outside sucks right now because you feel like a virus and you feel like every single person is a white blood cell trying to attack you with their fucking sickness that they have i went out on thursday it's monday now i went out i'm sorry i went out on Thursday. It's Monday now. I'm sorry. I went out on Saturday as well. But I went to the market, and it was like I hated being in there. It was awful because you feel like everything you touch is going to get you sick. I don't want to get fucking sick. I don't want to get – it's like most of the people are now like under 50.

It's not really one of those like it's just old people anymore. Maybe old people will die, but like it's just old people anymore. Maybe old people will die. But like it's mostly young people who have it. I don't fucking want it. Right. I don't know. I mean, like I don't know the answer either because there are so many job issues. But like, you know, Dave was just like, well, this is not sustainable.

We can't do this. Like, oh, OK. Well, then everyone just go back outside. No, I don't know. This is the new this is the. No, I don't know. This is the new norm. I don't know. It's like if we don't do it and everyone who's like 60 and up might die, I'm pretty sure the economy is going to fucking collapse too. So you can either have it collapse with people surviving or collapse with people fucking dying.

And I feel terrible for the waiters and the bar owners and the service. And I don't know the answer there. But I just can't believe after like nine days, I'm like, I'm the pussy. And, you know, I was like, Jesus Christ. It's going to stink. It's going to go long after it stinks. And you just have to fucking do it. I think that right now is the clear divide of you're going to find out which people care about themselves and the things that they like and their way of life and the people who are like, we have to do something for the greater good. And really, that doesn't happen very often.

Not in America. In America, people are used to doing what they want to do when they want to do it at all times and everyone bought into it for like a week and now they're sick of it and they're ready to just like rebel and be like well i'm going back outside like well i mean they were going to ask you to do it for like several months and you guys lasted a calendar what a calendar week like boy okay i guess I'm like – Dude, it was crazy this weekend watching just the Atlanta airport fucking packed, beaches packed, fucking parks in San Francisco fucking packed. It's like, what are you guys – are you the stupidest motherfuckers on the planet? I was the same kind of person. It's like my life hasn't changed since kindergarten where I'm like, hey, dude, just stop being a fucking dickhead and then we get to have fun again.

Yeah. Just stop being an idiot. And that's the other thing, too. People don't realize the more you drag your feet now, the longer it lasts. Right. It's like when you have to clean up. It's like, let's just fucking clean it up now, and then it'll be done, and we can go back to watching TV. As opposed to like lollygagging, and then it lasts all fucking day.

Just sit inside now. Let them get a handle on it. And maybe, who knows, then maybe they'll be like, oh, wait oh wait a minute now we can assess it it turns out it actually flattened but until you at least buy in initially it's not gonna fucking work i can't believe i'm already the pussy like dave was like are you you're the most scared of coronavirus oh okay yeah i'm the guy who's afraid of the virus killing people what What a fucking loser. What a fucking dragon you are, KFC. Give me a break. Last voicemail of the day.

Let's pick a good one. You can pick between annoying girlfriend things or creepy anesthesiologist first date. Creepy anesthesiologist, that one. Hey, Kevin. Hi. Super Reducer, BC. anesthesiologist first date creepy answer that one hey kevin hi super producer bc um i know all we've really been talking about or you guys have been is coronavirus um anyways i just went on a date with an anesthesiologist and want to get your take on the fact that he one went to the bathroom came back snuck behind me and like covered my eyes playing the oh guess who game on our first date number one number two his hands were very dry like I don't think he washed his hands and he's a fucking doctor in hospital um and then two I showed him a tattoo on my arm and then he bit me on my arm um am I now exposed to corona like what do I do about this like is, is this a psychotic move? Like this person is supposed to be like endorsing like social distancing.

Like I have no idea. Super weird. I don't think anyway, I want to get your take. Thanks guys. Love you. Bye. I'm so confused.

We're at this weird period of time where like some of these phone calls probably came in before lockdown. Some of them are coming out after this one. I'm confused though. She's talking about social distancing and talking about coronavirus, but she's also talking about being on a date. He ran up behind her. He went to the

bathroom on the date, came back and put his hands over her eyes and said like, guess who? His hands were dry, so that means he didn't wash his hands. And then she showed him her tattoo on her arm, and he bit it. I mean, like, I don't know if the question here is, like, is this guy creepy? But, like, it's a resounding yes.

I think every anesthesiologist is creepy. Because it's like you get to kill people without doing the saving them part. If that makes sense. Right. Like, like a surgeon can accidentally kill someone, but like an anesthesiologist can accidentally kill someone. But like, it's almost like they'd like it.

I feel like every anesthesiologist, every time they put you under is hoping they gave you a bad batch. I feel like they're, they're more prone to like touch you or, or, you know, have your, have their way with you once you're under. No know because they get out of the room right away i think i think they're there but i think it's just like they have this it's like a almost like strangling the life audio

like go ahead yeah down right to the edge yeah it's it's dude i've told you the anesthesiologist i had at fucking when i had an emergency appendectomy and it was it was i had on christmas eve like was when my appendix almost burst yeah so i was in the pre-op room and there's obviously no one else because you don't schedule surgery for pre-op so just me and this fucking lady at the front desk and the anesthesiologist name was dr risk she's like paged over the over the thing and i was like. Risk. She like paged him over the thing. And I was like, you don't have to page him. You could probably just like yell down the hall.

There's no one in this fucking hospital. And she's like, paging Dr. Risk, paging Dr. Risk. I was like, this lady's fucking with me. And this big burly Russian dude walked up. Like with the kind of like hair was like coming over his gloves. Right? Just like a big bear. Yeah.

Oh, I'm Dr. Risk. I was like, you got gotta be fun like you guys are just having fun with the fucking kid the only person here i think right right that dude gave me a bad a bad taste in my mouth about anesthesiologists my whole life and then on out dr risk you're a dick you're a psychopath if you intentionally become the riskiest part of the fucking surgery if you're if you're willing to do that you're willing to put your life on line and you're not really saving them you're right for the dangerous part you kind of want them to die you're a psychopath well my only exposure now is dr risk and then this fucking guy who's touching girls and biting them on a date in the middle of a pandemic out on anesthesiologists run for the hills girls and uh just stay home and don't go on any creepy

dates yeah well you do go on dates. Who's touching faces? Who touches a face? Who bites a person on a first date? Come on. Come on. Out. All right.

That's it for us. We'll be back on Thursday for another episode. Make sure you rate, review, download, subscribe, spread the word. Keep talking. Keep buying our products and our services. Keep the podcast industry floating. And we'll see you guys later this week for another edition of KFC Radio. Make believe I'm everywhere Give it in the light

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