KFC Radio - Kanye's New Documentary, Jeen-Yus, Was a Let Down Ft. Brad Williams

Episode Date: February 17, 2022

- Welcome. - ...... Welcome - Matthew Stafford was drunk at the Rams parade - Kanye's new documentary, Jeen-Yus - Sad Boy Season shoes are finally back in stock - AITA - getting heated over pens - gf doesn't want me going to the gym as much Voicemails - Chicken guy is back with a question on sober sex - most versatile person in the office - Brad Williams Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - Welcome 3:15- Matt Stafford Drunk 4:13 - Jeen-Yus 6:12 - sad boy season shoes 11:22 - AITA 46:45 - Voicemails 1:02:03- Brad Williams Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Roman: Go to https://barstool.link/RomanKFCRadio you can get your first month of Swipes for just $5, when you choose a monthly plan WhistlePig: Visit https://barstool.link/Piggybackcraftcocktail for more info and make sure you grab a box in select stores! Would: Shop Would at https://barstool.link/wouldBSS or at your local CVS. Dodge: Are you the next Chief Donut Maker? Go to https://barstool.link/DodgeBSS and apply now. Submissions end on February 28th. Masterworks: Log into masterworks.art/kevin to joinYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Nope. Nope. Nope. You only get one life to live. Be selfish as fuck! Welcome back. Welcome.

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome Welcome Back To another episode Of KFC Radio It just gave me Fixed my audio Alert

I think because of my voice So beautiful We can't even imagine Fix my audio alert. I think because of my voice. So beautiful. It was like, we can't even imagine. He ain't such a siren. Say. This is the whole episode.

It's just me. Not finished. I'm just, just, I'm just edging you. Just edging. You say, well, welcome back to KFC radio presented by, but I'm not letting you finish.

I'm not getting there quite yet. I'm just doing a welcome. I'm just doing a welcome. I'm just doing a welcome back to another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Barstool Sports Network. Make sure to subscribe to the YouTube. Leave a five-star review. Fucking upvote it.

Do all this stuff that we require of you as a viewer because we like to give chores to people who come to listen to us for enjoyment. All right, I'm doing the ads again today. First one's going to be from Roman, but before we get to this ad, everyone tweet Kevin that he's very nice. No, no, no, no, no. Everyone tweet Kevin you love. Let's just do something basic like that. Everyone say KFC Barstool, I love you.

KFC Barstool, you are you. KFC Barstool. You are the sweetest boy in the whole world. KFC Barstool. I want to make love to you, but only if you use Roman swipes. Okay. Roman swipes is us living in the future. You are, you are, you are bad at sex. Let's just call it what it is.

If you're listening to this podcast, you are definitively bad at sex because everyone alive is bad at sex. How do you get better at sex. Let's just call it what it is. If you're listening to this podcast, you are definitively bad at sex. Because everyone alive is bad at sex. How do you get better at sex? You go to GetRoman.com slash KFC. They can make you last longer because you can stop because of the swipes that you're going to buy five bucks monthly plan. Choose a monthly plan. You get them for five bucks.

It's a no-brainer. It's PTSD. Definitely not PTSD. What's the word I'm looking for? Performance enhancing drugs. It's a monthly plan. You get them for five bucks. It's a no brainer. It's PTSD, not PTSD. Definitely not PTSD. What's the word I'm looking for? Performance enhancing drugs to PED. Get your PEDs for sex. Last longer. Make your girlfriend, make your boyfriend, whatever it is.

I don't give a shit. Make your girlfriend, make your boyfriend come because you need to not come in order for them to come. You need to last longer. Get roman.com slash KFC five bucks. Get your swipes. So Kevin is away. So we're doing I'm doing one minute, man, real quick right now. Boom. How about this? One minute, man. First of all, Matt Stafford, he's drunk at the Super Bowl. Makes me very anxious. I have not

watched the video. I do not like people filming me when they're drunk. I do not like people taking advantage of drunk people, which is what's happening on the Internet right now. But it's like when 50 was fat shamed, the internet is coming together to share videos of Matt Stafford being drunk, which I have not watched because it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why. I think that if you are

drunk, you should be allowed to be drunk privately. That is between you and God. It is not between you and fucking everyone else on the internet um that's not being a downer it's not me saying matthew savage shouldn't be drunk or anything like that of course not be drunk all the time that's my advice but uh just just i don't know i i don't i don't love those videos like everyone else it makes me uncomfortable second one minute man situation

because that was definitely a minute um genius kind of documentary genius is it is almost impossible to take someone who is as interesting as kanye west and make genius as boring as it is i masturbated twice trying to watch genius just just got so bored I was like alright I'm going to put on porn or something Fucking interesting something that can make me feel something The entire hour and a half of Genius

I couldn't even tell you what it's about It's just Kanye Walking in Streets That's it There is a little bit towards the end where he goes home and don does on it which is a little bit interesting to see a look into their

relationship but the rest of it is it's crazy he's an incredibly interesting person how do you make him so boring i don't know it doesn't make any sense to me it is it's just fucking an hour and a half of footage from the 90s of kanye like driving in cars it is and honestly i tip my cap to them i tip my cap to to uh cootie i believe is his name the uh writer of the documentary and the filmer and all that because that's what a documentary is boring Boring. I'm glad we're getting back to the days of documentaries being respected and being understood as if they're supposed to be boring because we've been doing these produced documentaries

that aren't real documentaries. They're based on true story bullshit and the producers are making shit up to make it more interesting. No, no, no. Documentaries fucking stink. Documentaries have always stunk. Documentaries should continue to stink again

in the future in order to get back to what they're actually about. To get back to the true heart of documentaries. It is look at all this boring shit happened. That happened. That's what a documentary is. So in that vein, congratulations, Kanye West. Great documentary.

My third one-minute man thing is the fact that new Sadboy sneakers are dropping. They are finally coming, just like your mom, and on Tuesday. New Sadboy sneakers will drop

on Tuesday, February 22nd. Is that a Tuesday, or am I totally guessing here? That's Tuesday. Let's see here. That's Tuesday. I fucking nailed it, Johnny Boyd. February 22nd, new Sad Boy sneakers are dropping.

Now, for a fun little aside here, they're going to sell out exceptionally fast again. I think they sold out in six minutes last time. We 5X'd our order. Okay, so we have five times sold out in six minutes last time. We 5X'd our order. Okay? So we have five times as many as we had last time. We also have women's sizes this time. But the wait list is so long.

I recommend going and joining the wait list right now on the Barstool Sports store because you'll get an email the second they're available. And I would imagine they sell out faster than six minutes this time. So they're going to be tough to get. However, I will be giving away five pairs of them for free if you buy a ticket to a KFC Radio live show. Okay? There are some tickets left for Boston. There are tickets left for Nashville.

And I think that's it. Boston is March 18th. Nashville is April 21st. Boston is March 18th. And Nashville is April 21st. There are a few tickets left on both. There's probably like 300 combined tickets between the two venues. So if you are one of 300 people to buy one of those tickets,

you'll be entered in a 1 in 300 chance at getting the Sad Boys sneakers for free. I will get you. So what you're going to do is buy a ticket to an existing KFC Radio Live show. Buy a ticket. Screenshot your receipt. Send it to Sadboy Contest. Sadboycontest at gmail.com. Send that receipt to sadboycontest at gmail.com with your shoe size what size you

would want the the pair in and um and get uh and you get it where you get you get entered into the raffle and and you know what because it's a nice guy uh you get as many entries as tickets you buy if you get four tickets and gets put into the randomizer four times if you get as many entries as tickets you buy. If you get four tickets, your name gets put into the randomizer four times. If you get 100 tickets, which would be crazy, your name gets put into the randomizer 100 times, thus increasing your odds at a chance to win a highly sought-after pair of Sad Boy sneakers. They are perfect for the summer, spring, summer,

despite not being Sad Boy season. They are a white canvas shoe that is the staple of all summer outfits. So get them. They will drop on Tuesday, but get a ticket to a Casey radio live show now in Boston or Nashville. That will run until the shoes drop on Tuesday. So if you get them and get a ticket to a live show at any point between now and Tuesday, you'll be entered into the raffle, which will be, again, on – it'll stop Monday night.

It'll stop Monday night. So go do that. We have been getting tweets nonstop. Everyone, where's my whistle pig? Where's my whistle pig? I don't know where it is. I can't tell you what state it's coming to. I can tell you.

You can get it at piggybackcraftcocktail.com. Piggybackcraftcocktail.com to get the hard seltzers, if you will, that everyone's clamoring for. But they're not hard seltzers. Jesus, John. They're not hard seltzers. They are craft cocktails in a can. They are delicious. Finally, some whiskey representation in the can community, and I'm happy for it because I've been a whiskey guy my whole life. I've been a whistle pick guy my whole life. And thankfully, as you'd expect, they broke the mold with the whiskey ginger cocktails. They got the ginger lime. They got a blackberry lemon fizz. They got session citrus mint. They are legitimately delicious. You could take it from me because I like alcohol,

or you could take it from Kevin, who doesn't even really drink that much, and he still finds them delicious. So no matter what your tastes are, if you're a strong whiskey guy like me, if you're just looking for a little buzz like Kevin, piggybackcraftcocktail.com. Again, ginger, lime, lemon, fizz, session, citrus, mint. They are undeniably delicious. They are undeniably delicious. They are undeniably going to be the drink of 2022. That's what year it is, right?

Yep, 2022. Go to piggybackcraftcocktail.com right now. Get your craft cocktails. And if they are at liquor stores in your area, make sure you tweet pictures at us because, legit, everyone wants to know where they are. So if you can help us spread the word, that would be super lovely. Thank you.

Have a great day. Am I the asshole for going nuclear over a pen? Right off the bat, give me your answer first, yes or no. Nuclear over a pen. No. I'm going to say no, too, because pens are – Well, you have the pen that you love. If somebody fucks it up we have

yet to know what happens here but i'm just saying you you can go nuclear because pen the relationship between man and pen is well now that i'm thinking about it i'm reliving a lot of memories and i completely disagree you are not allowed to go nuclear over why what memories do i look like the kid who had fucking pens in class no No, I was the kid who borrowed pens. Borrowed pens. And then so I was the kid who people got mad at me because I forgot to give them their pen back. Fucking suck a dick to a pen. You know, one of my least favorite things, and I'm going to tell my kid to not do this.

You know, Steve Fury, the comic who rolls with Bert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a story on his Instagram from his podcast the other day he said um when he was a kid somebody offered him five bucks to eat something that wasn't bad it really wasn't by the way I feel bad for not recognizing Steve's name but I DM him all the time but I just know I'm Scoob Steve Scoob Steve yeah uh Steve Scoob Steve Fury it was um let me find here it is we were in the backyard his friend offered him five firecrackers to eat a salt and peppered piece of butter

which is like kind of gross but butter tastes good like you know like back in the day when we were playing that game it was like will you eat that petrified goose shit you know and he did it and he got the five firecrackers and in my mind that's that's good business fire crack oh fire the way you're saying it it sounded like you're saying like fire cracker no no fire crackers yeah fireworks yeah right it's probably some roman candles or bottle rockets whatever um and and so i actually that was that was good business by steve For sure. But I guess it was in his backyard or whatever, and his dad saw it. And his dad was like, hey, don't be the kid that people pay to eat stuff. They don't want to be that guy. And I think that's a great, great piece of advice.

Yeah. To just be the dance for me monkey, like eat this poop, eat this whatever. And it's always for like $10. It's like, ugh, whatever. You don't want to be the geek. Was that really worth it? Yeah. I just watched Nightmare Alley oh yeah yeah right right oh you've seen it yes yeah yeah yeah you don't want to be i didn't know about geeks i didn't know either that was you know i

saw that coming a mile away though yes that was annoying yeah um but man that's a fucked up thing they used to do like the police should have shut that shit down. So, similarly, while you don't want to be the kid who pays to eat stuff, you don't want to be this kid. I used to borrow pens sometimes, and I had such a bad habit of chewing on pens. I didn't have that habit. I just had a habit of putting them in my pocket afterwards. But that's so much worse. You gave it to me 45 minutes ago.

That's fine. But, like, I mean, that's annoying. But, like, I wouldn't even realize it. I'm doing my paper. I'm taking the notes. Class ends, and I'd be like, oh. Here you go, and it's like, yeah. I mean, I wasn't just like.

I guess it was Jason Alexander who did it. I was like, I mean, massacred this thing. I was deep-throating this thing. I was ASMR twitching it, you know? Dude, I would have people like. Don't be the kid who chews pens in school. I'd come back to class a week later and be like, do you have my pencil? Yeah, well that's ridiculous.

I've lost your pen seven seconds after I stepped out. I've lost ten other people's pens. I had to borrow one for the next class. I was the kid who never had paper. I have shit. My mom or whatever would buy me a stack of loose leaf in the beginning of the year, put it in my binder, and when that ran out, that was it.

It could be November, it could have been May. I don't know. When that runs out, I'm the kid let me get a piece of paper. Let me get a slice. If I showed up with my backpack, it was a good day. Were you the kid who just didn't even have folders and binders and shit? You just put the papers in there?

I ran fucking school like Trump ran the White House. Just flushing stuff. We could also do top five. You could at any point, you could go to the bathroom and be like, John's got a fucking test flushed on him. We could do top five, like, school binders and all that shit. I don't even know if you know that shit, though, because you were such a fucking renegade. I don't.

Different brands. Cover my books. Yeah, no. You barely even went to school to school anyway let's get back into the school at any point in my life it's so true it really is uh okay nuclear over pen so this is stupid but i swear to god i'm telling the truth i have the receipts for context we have plenty plenty of for context we have a pretty lax work environment at my job, and I love my coworkers. I value their opinions. I have no problem with accommodating them at all. I have a weird complex about hurting people's feelings, and this has bothered me way more than it should.

You have a weird complex. Yeah, it's like I have empathy for people's feelings. I also have that weird complex where I don't like to be a dickhead. Right. When I started my job around a year and a half ago, I would keep pens in my lab coat and they would disappear constantly. I'd argue that that's what I get for leaving my pens out. But also I think it's appropriate to want to keep my pen throughout my shift at least. I was joking with one of my coworkers and labeled one of my pens to say, eat shit pen stealer.

And we laughed to find out it was our center manager who we thought it was hilarious. I've kept my pen in my scrubs since then and haven't lost it to anyone yet. But now I let my friend borrow it for her nighttime shift, and she left it in a drawer to return to me when I came to work the next morning. I don't know what the punchline here is going to be. This is already like too much about your pen. Like what a pen, drawers, pockets, coats. Just buy more pens.

I was supposed to go to work the next day, but our center closed for bad weather. And I was off during the weekend. One of my coworkers found my pen and scratched off the label this weekend. And I was really concerned because I didn't know she had been upset by it. So I talked to her today, and she told me that my pen was unprofessional, and he puts in parentheses, truth, in the way, truth with a question mark, and that nobody gets to have their own pens. She said if she saw any of my pens, she was going to take them and take their labels off.

I told her I didn't mind censoring or even getting rid of them if she had just told me. And I don't mind really if it bothers her, but she was not budging on messing up my pens. Now I'm pissed. And in a moment of rage, I went to the bathroom and ordered 300 customized pens that say you suck pen stealers and we live in a society. We thought, my thought is that I can give them to whoever wants one, and if she takes them all, she'll have to get some damn acetone and assembly line to make a dent in this plague I'm about to infect our center with. I think I let my anger get the best of me.

Am I the asshole for raging about my pen? And would I be the asshole for going through with my evil plan? This person sucks so much. I completely agree. What's worse about the whole painting is thinking that this is internet worthy. What's even crazier than that is a producer of our podcast thinking that this was worthy for our fucking show. No, I would fucking imagine

I would hope so. If you read all that and said this is good for the boys, you would be fired. Go suck on some shit on Twitch. No, I think there is a part of you that is an important part to digest. Dissect, if you will. She's definitely a lunatic for the

She's right. She's also a lunatic for the she's right she's also a lunatic for the buying the 300 pens is a move. Crazy. But the other woman involved here, she makes a lot of sense and I think we should acknowledge that and tip our cap to her.

Wait, so how? No one owns pens. Pens are a communal thing. No one in that center, no one in this world you might have a pen right now in this moment, but that's not your pen. At some point, it will return to the earth, and someone else will pick it up and go, Huh, got a pen. That's how pens work. Pens are like pennies.

Leave a penny, take a penny. Leave a pen, take a pen. Pens are just around. No one owns pens. Pens can't be tamed. Spoken. Pens are wild horses. You might currently have one in a stable, but he's going to get out.

He's going to break. You can't break that pen. You are not wrong, but also this is spoken like a goddamn pen stealer. There's some normal people out there who are just like, what are you talking about? I bought those pens, and you're just taking them from me. That is mine. I use it. I like it.

And you're just taking it. Bro, That is mine. I use it. I like it. And you're just taking it. Bro, you spent $4 on a pack of pens. That's why the type of pen matters because some are more expensive and some are hard to find and some are a perfect fit. If we're talking about just like a pack of Bix, well, yeah, you're a fucking asshole.

If we're talking about a Dr. Pilot, you know, pen smooth grip with the rubber grip thing, it's a different story, bro. A Mont Blanc. Even a Dr. Pilot. Fucking, let's relax. If you get a Mont Blanc, you're an asshole, too. Is that what it was, like ink fountain pen?

Yeah, fuck off. But the point is that anyone who gets worked up about pens is a cunt, and I fucking hate you. Anyone? All the people? you are the same people who fucking dressed up your books your textbooks you fucking put your paper bags on them this is and you doodled and you had your fucking folders and you thought you were better than me yeah because you had pens and guess what look at me now this is John venting about his life as a dropout.

He never excelled, never graduated, never made it. Oh, you did your homework every night. You fucking reminded teachers. Oh, you and your diploma. Yeah. You actually made something worthwhile, all the money you flushed into that education system. You fucking got awards like never took a sick day because that's the thing we give to our children. No absences.

Congratulations. You fucking. Yo, that's weird. You came to school fucking sick and pukey and crying to learn how to write a letter today. If you are one of those Cal Ripken Iron Man kids, I mean, you went to school like 180 exact days when you're if you're in like elementary school middle school you are undoubtedly getting sick at least a couple times a year and you're getting diseases and and viruses and infections and you're gross and you're dirty you should miss at least like 10 days a year that minimum that award should come with a call to cps yeah like

your parents are forcing you out what the fuck is going on why is this like this kid never got this kid didn't get a mental health day? Do you remember? This fucking kid came to school stressed out and sick. I was actually about to ask you a ridiculous question. I can't even pose it to you, so I'll pose it to the rest of the guys. I was about to say, do you remember like the rare time where you would push for a day off and your parents would just give it to you? I remember. it happened all

the time uh i you you you did it like you know every monday it was it was a regular thing for the regular people with parents who you know raise their kids uh like every now and then i'd be like mom i'm kind of sick but she knew i wasn't and it was more just like, I'm fed up with the bullshit, Ma. I need a day off. And I don't know what about why in those moments. Maybe she saw it in my face. Maybe she heard it in my voice. But once a year, she'd be like, all right, you can stay home. And it was like the greatest thing in the world.

We used to do that with our parents, and they never gave it to us until my mom had my little brother. So she had him my junior year of high school. Right. And we started pulling the, oh, you need a babysitter. Then we just broke my dad. And it was like, whenever we fucking wanted to take off, we could just take off. It was great. So wait, your parents, what's the gap between you and your youngest?

My older brother is. Oh, yeah. What's the gap between the oldest and youngest? I think 18 years. Oh, wow. Yeah. Is that a different parents or no? Nope. Their parents are crazy. Was that an accident or no? Yeah. Okay.

So by the time he's even... I don't think any of us were planned. But I mean, like, I can't even imagine if I had a kid almost two decades from now, I'd be like, you guys are raising that one. Shay is your mother.

Keegan is your father. That is. Dude, that's what it was. It was like. You don't want to go to school? I don't care. I don't even know who you are. What's your name again?

I would let my kids name you. We would take them around everywhere, and everyone just assumes we're his parents. Right, absolutely. Yeah, they look a little younger. It's a very weird dynamic. Yeah, I mean, 18 years is like, there young. It's a very weird dynamic. Yeah. I mean, 18 years is like they're playing parents who have their kids at 18.

You know, it's like I know a girl who her parents had her when she was six. They were 16, stayed together, then had her sibling when they were 21 and are like still married and together to this day. Really? That is wild. That's a lot. Having any kid at 21 is nuts, let alone when it's your second and your first one's five years old at that point.

You have a five-year-old when you're 21 and you're having another one and then you're just like, yeah, we're still happy together. 16 is insane. Could you imagine if you had a six-year-old right now, Jackie? Six-year-olds. Imagine if you had an age. It's like Daddy just clicked to Jackie's. Oh my God, that is insane. Could you imagine if you had a six-year-old right now, Jackie? Six-year-old. Imagine if you had an age.

Oh my god, that is nuts. Imagine if you had a daughter or a kid my age. My kid's age. It's insane. I couldn't. Listen, Marino sent me a picture the other day from our time hop. It was Super Bowl

five years ago, and we look like fucking babies, bro. I'm going to show you this picture. I mean, it's depressing. It must be. I mean, look at us, dude. Right? But, so that's fine. Whatever. You see pictures when you're younger.

It's not mind-blowing. I was a father at that point. Look at me. Not only was I a father, I had a father. I had a two-year-old. No, I had a one-year-old with another on the way. Honestly, the most surprising part of this is that you're a father with a woman. You have a weird body angle with it.

You look a little gay. Wait, what? Yeah, you look a little gay. Let me see that because the other day I was clicking through yeah it's my neck it's yeah uh i was homophobic yeah the other day i was deleting uh old footage off of um my laptop and i stumbled across just a random video from peak quarantine. And your guys' beards and hair were just out of control. This is when Ben started. I have full-blown Wolverine hair right now. This was the exact episode.

We interviewed Ben Schwartz, and he changed his name, but John is a mess. But I'm lucky that you look like a mess because I look like any other time. I'm the fucking star of that show. That Wolverine hair had to go, dog. But, yeah, I mean, i look like a kid there and i'm like i had a kid then god damn uh anyway you're an asshole if you uh are a podcast producer and give something about pens to be to be the uh okay wood is the new men's grooming line that has products for your hair products for your beard products for your body and prize for your shape it's everywhere it's it's all encapsulating it smells delicious it makes your hair look nice makes your beard look nice

much like mine makes your shave easier that's what you're into unlike me i like hair everywhere just for a note um what is for the guy that doesn't know his best life and it just doesn't come to him he has to go out and find it let's get what it's i don't have to listen to think about this do i have to advertise fucking smelling good to you is that something you need i'm not going to disrespect a listener like this. No, you don't need to know why you need soaps and shampoos. You know why. Because you stink.

And guess how you fix the stink? You fix the stink with wood. They got all kinds of scents. They got golden hour, which has notes of smooth brandy and Madagascar vanilla. I don't know what that is, but I'm sure it smells good. How about this? Summerhouse. notes of coast coastal lavender which is different than midwest lavender and sea salt how about fresh tracks notes of oak moss and pink pepper pink pepper

smells delicious everyone knows that it's like the pink salt tom brady uses okay go to getwood.com to get anything you need all your soaps all your shampoos all your fucking this is all your that's they go to getwood.com or check your local cv local cvs they are in i think somewhere between 7 000 and 9 000 stores cvs go get in there getwood.com am i the asshole for telling my girlfriend that yes the gym is more important to me than her and her daughter. Oh boy. Now this one's going to be good, right? I hope. I, 32 male, have been dating my girlfriend, 29 female, for about 18 months. She has the cutest little 4-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. As our

relationship has progressed, I've been spending more and more time at my girlfriend's place to the point that I've all but moved in with them. This is mostly just because it's logistically easier for me to go to her place since she has a kid and I don't. I work from 4.30 p.m. to 2.30 a.m. I get to bed by 4 a.m. and then wake up around noon.

And then on most days, head off to the gym, spend about two hours there total. I like to work out. It makes me feel good. It keeps me healthy. I also consider it a professional responsibility to stay in shape. I work 10-hour shifts. Working 10-hour shifts means that I don't have a ton of time in between shifts, but I also have more days off than most working people. This was never a problem until I moved in with my girlfriend. Suddenly, when I wake up and try to head off

to the gym, she's all, oh, it's all about you, huh? Or you only care about doing what you need to do. My daughter doesn't understand why you're leaving and why you don't want to spend time with us. The last thing, I think at last, things came to a head. When my girlfriend started objecting to my going to the gym, I told her, I'll see you and your daughter for a little bit before I go off to work. And then tomorrow I'm off and I don't have a workout schedule. So we'll be the whole day together. But I have to get my workout in today. It's a priority. She then responded. So the gym is a priority, but me and my daughter aren't. If you want to be a part of this family, it's not all She then responded, In fairness, I should note that she wasn't insisting that I never go to the gym again. She just wanted me to renegotiate my schedule. But I was unwilling because I felt as if it would get in the way of my goals. Am I the asshole?

Nope. Nope. Nope. You only get one life to live. Be selfish as fuck. That is do what makes you happy. It's called hedonism. Hedonistic, I think, is there's like a philosophical way of life that's just like, like, you know, do you do things because it's right?

Should you avoid things because they're wrong? Should you do things? Does your intent matter? You know, all the different reasons you behave. And there's some dude, one of the big ones, he just says, do what makes you happy. And like, what? Yeah. Within reason.

Like, you know, don't kill anybody. Yeah. But everything, as long as it's not. Well, I mean, that makes you happy. I don't know. But just do. Go't kill anybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But everything, as long as it's not harmful. Well, I mean, if that's what makes you happy, I don't know. But just do the weighing out of how do I behave. It's like, is that going to make me happy? Yes, then do it. As long as you're upfront about that, I really do.

He's very mature. He's like, yeah, this is what I want to do. This is what I like doing. I'm telling you that. So it's what I'm going to do. Also, you know what's going on right here? I wasn't dumb and got knocked up as a kid I can still work out when I want So here is the problem

And this is a major problem I think In relationships Certainly with mine And I think it's stereotypically generally The girls do this When you give more And they just take more like the only reason this is an issue is because this guy basically moved in if he had his own apartment and they they would

they would see each other like you know when couples don't live together it's like are we hanging out tonight are you coming to my place am i going to your place are we going out to dinner like whatever you see each other you know you start out two times a week then it goes like three and four you know and then eventually it gets to the point where it's like you know, basically I'll just like like he said, pseudo move in with you but it's like I'm already giving you more we're already

I'm committing more to you I'm giving you more of my life and you're now asking for that much more I'm wasting money and I'm sure he is contributing to the household in other ways and shit so I'm giving you an inch, right. I'm wasting money and time. And I'm sure he is, you know, contributing to the household in other ways and shit. And it's like, so I'm giving you an inch. You're taking a mile.

And then I give you a mile by moving in, and you take a second mile by saying, you know. It's like, why are you not spending time with me and my daughter? It's like, well, six months ago before I moved in, like I never saw you on this morning and that day and this day and that day, you know. So now once i give you that you take that as another like a new minimum that's just now bare minimum yeah and i'm gonna ask for

more i mean that happened with me that was one of the major problems with my divorce where it was like every time i gave something it was like okay that's now standard and now i want this it's like i don't like when you do the smoke shows of the day so i stopped doing that and it was like i don't like when you do these parties so i stopped in the parties and i don't like when you talk about this or blog about that and i don't like this and then i move in cancel then and then it was like okay let me move in with you like that'll fix things then once we moved in it was like where's the ring and once it was a ring now we need to have kids and it was always just like more more more more and i'm like you know i'm not getting credit for any of the shit that i am doing so this guy used to probably be able to go freely to the gym whatever

commits to her and her daughter more and now that's going to impact like one of the things that's important to him as a person fuck that the mental health days we just talked about if you're like i actually i work out people get shit because they're workout people. Annoying, yeah. But when you are exercising, you feel better. And then when you're used to feeling better, you feel bad when you don't exercise. My dad's done this to an extreme extent. My dad, if my dad isn't physically working, he's exercising.

That's how depressed that man is. Yeah. He's got to keep going. He's just trying to sweat out. He's like a shark. They just got to keep moving. Perpetual motion. Right.

He runs a triathlon like every day just accidentally. Really? Jesus Christ. I'm going for a bike ride. Four hours later, he'll come back. Just put the bike away. I'm going to sweat a thousand laps. I'm going to go for a kayak.

He's a savage, man. But that's like the problem is, you know, it's like, well, okay. If that guy gives in and stops working out, it's going to be the next thing. Okay. Chris Benoit, that's what he did. What's the matter? I wish Jackie doesn't understand what's happening. Jackie, Chris Benoit is a wrestler who murdered his entire family.

Slaughtered, like, all of them. Woke up one day, killed all the kids, wife, and himself. She didn't want him going to the gym. Imagine that. Imagine if the Chris Benoit massacre was just something like simple like that. I told you to do the dishes and it was just

slaughter all of you. You know on Sundays it's chest day. I would say I'm getting this workout in one way or another. Let's do another top five soon. Yeah. Oh yeah. Let's do another top five soon. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

What's like top five references? I'm going to sum it up as like top five record scratch references where like when you say something, everybody in the room goes, like a Chris Benoit comment will stop the room room if you know what's going on if you know the reference a hundred times out of a hundred like every time it's like whoa or like if you just see a tweet like somebody replies with like a picture of benoit and it's like whoa yeah yeah like sometimes it is like an m.i.d asshole like am i the asshole if like if i if this happened with my wife and somebody just tweets a picture of Chris Benoit, like, message received, bro.

That's one that is a showstopper. It's, you know, if you use it the right way, it's really funny. Really funny. The cunt will stop you. Yeah. Did I tell you I did that this weekend or last weekend? Slaughtered your family?

Whispy and Chicklets. No. At the Chick you I did that this weekend or last weekend? You slaughtered your family? With spit and chiclets. No. At the chiclets cup. Dude, I got hit in the ribs. You did your classic, ah, you fucking cunt. I went, you fucking cunt. Yep. And then as I turned, I just made eye contact with my mom.

I thought you were going to say you did it with the guys, like the chiclets guys on camera or something. That was the problem. You didn't play your mother. No, I did. I was on the ice. If I said you fucking cunt to my mom, I think she would cry. I think she would fucking tears. We actually talked about the word cunt earlier in the week.

I can't imagine saying cunt in front of my mom. We just think it's funny. Do you make sex jokes around your parents? Fuck no. We were watching a british show and we were just talking about how they say right well that's different that's like you know it wasn't like joe roe using the n-word i would never just say like cunt like in except for that i was experiencing pain i saw red just yelled um but you say cunt all the time but that's not my mom

oh oh yeah yeah outside of your mom i wouldn't casually say content a conversation with my mom. No. Okay. Anyway, yeah. I mean, this is just like not fair. This is one of those things where it's like, girl, you are not being fair to your boy. That's not how relationships should go. Yeah. He's already a fucking gem for taking on a kid that's not his, basically. He's doing something. If it was like, I need

to play video games for 10 hours a night, I'm still on his side because I think a big problem with relationships too is a lot of things that guys traditionally find to be fun or entertaining or are important to them are viewed as silly by girls. That doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you don't like sports

or you don't get video games or you don't get guy bonding time or whatever, or remember the guy with the figurines and all that shit? Oh, yeah. Like, that is something important to his heart, and, like, you are just not respecting that, so fuck you. And this falls under that umbrella,

so you're the asshole, bitch. All right, let's just bang out a few voicemails, and we'll be done. I'm a pure hook. Guess what? Dodge. Dodge. Yeah, we're getting car company money now. Guess what?

Dodge wants to do for you. They want to make you their chief donut maker. Don't dodge makes donuts. That's what you're thinking right now. No, no, you silly Billy. It's not. It's not a pastry. It's a donut like in a car.

Okay. And guess what? This job pays you $150,000 a year. And guess what? This job gets you a free Dodge Hellcat. And guess what? You get a year of epic adventures. That's from the copy. I don't say words like that. You get a year of epic adventures with this job. And how about this? You don't even have to quit your job. This is a side gig, side gig that pays you $150,000 a year. Pretty fucking good if you ask me.

So what you're going to do is you're going to go to DodgeGarage.com. That's DodgeGarage.com in order to apply. Anyone can apply. You don't have to quit your job. All you need to do, go to DodgeGarage.com, sign up, tell us why you'd be great as the chief donut maker. Again, you are not making delicious fucking pastries. You are not getting up in the morning and making donuts at at Dunkin. You are doing donuts in a car. It's OK if you don't know how to do that.

They will teach you everything at Radford Racing School and Roadkill Nights. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. Once again, you don't have to quit your job. This is a side gig where you make $150,000 and get to do fun shit and go on epic adventures. DodgeGarage.com. Submissions end on February 28th. Once again, DodgeGarage.com.

Sign up for a $150,000 a year side gig where you do donuts and fun shit. What is happening over there? Can you hear me? Yeah. Bro, I just pissed everywhere. Bro, can you see it on my hand?

Can you see the water on my hands? I just pissed everywhere. Dude, I just heard heard oh no or cackling maniacally i'm like what's happening there is covered in piss right now dude i was fucking i was taking a leak i was taking i was taking a leak and I didn't put the seat up back. It was kind of teetering

on the edge of balanced. So while I'm pissing, it started to close. So I had to catch it with my right hand, but as I turned to catch it, it went like this. I just pissed everywhere. I pissed in the trash. I pissed on the side of the sink.

I pissed. I just pissed all over on the side of the sink. I pissed. I just pissed all over my hands. Didn't wash them. Who hasn't done that? I'm like, that's happened to everybody at least once. I pissed in the trash. And here's what's in my trash. Just fucking

airhead streams. Once again, I wasn't eating on the toilet. I just happened to be walking by the bathroom while eating Sour Patches streams on two separate occasions. Okay, this is a little convoluted because we started the conversation off air.

So what's about to happen here is we find a quote from Kristen Bell where she is responding to criticism, I think, or something along those lines, about sex scenes in her new show. We find out that in the new show, she's fucking on the stairs. And we're not

into that. Dude, imagine fucking on the stairs right now. No. He's laying on the stairs. Like, back on each of the corners. And she's riding him. That's fucking insane. I could probably get that done.

I wouldn't enjoy it. I guess I could, but it's like... I can't fuck doggy on the ground. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. You on your knees, her on her knees, you can't do it?

Why not? Because it hurts your knees or hurts your back? It hurts my knees. Like rubbing. But that's what I mean. If you just concentrated and powered through the rug burn, you could do it. Oh, I guess I'm thinking of, I've done it. Or you're talking about like the bone or the burn? In the late, the most recent time I've done it, it was on hardwood. So I guess maybe with a rug I could get it done.

I don't know. I haven't done it on a rug. Hardwood. Out of the question. I don't fuck on hardwood. Maybe with a rug I could get it done. I don't know. I haven't done it on a rug. Hardwood. Out of the question. I don't fuck on hardwood. I feel so bad for chicks. This is not a hardwood fuck body. No.

But think about it for chicks. Chicks are much more often than guys expected to be on their knees on the ground. Whether it's blowing dudes or getting fucked. Your kneecaps are just on the ground that's crazy you do that I would say no I would be like I need a cushion

I swear to god if I was blowing somebody outside the bedroom I'd always grab a couch cushion or I'd take my shirt off and fold a little thing up I'm never going I just drink nunnery God gives you a fucking cushion seriously it is funny that the hardcore people and like fold a little thing up. I'm never going real dog on the ground. Bro, I just ran a nunnery. God gives you a fucking cushion. Seriously.

Well, you know what? It is funny that like the hardcore people like don't have like the little benches and shit. They just fucking pray on it. They don't? Yeah. And even if I was sucking dick

when a guy's standing up, I mean, it's crazy by the way. That's another crazy thing. I don't want to stand up when I'm getting blown. It's like more work for me. It's like I want to be able to like lay down and relax.

I don't mind a stand up. I don't mind a stand up. The visual is there. Nice little stand up beach. I don't mind this. The visuals there. Nice little stand-up beach. But. A little suck job. If I'm doing that, if I'm giving a suck job and some guy's standing up, I'm for sure doing the I'm on my knees, but my butt is on like my ankles sort of thing.

I'm not doing the full straight back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, I'm doing like I'm in the pew where I'm resting back on the pew. When people pray at church and they do the knees and they're all the way up against the thing and their back is straight, I can't

do that for more than like five minutes. Imagine sucking somebody's dick that way. I'd be down on like my haunches, if you will, and you've got to like stand over me. I used to pray like, I'd pray that way, well I wouldn't actually pray, but I'd kneel that way during all the up-down stuff, and then post-communion, that's when I chilled.

Post-communion, I'd kneel, and I'd have my ass on the floor. I actually, once I had my back issues and shit, I sat right down. Oh, you sat down? No, I mean, I do the kneel, but I sit the whole time. I used to do what you do. Anytime there's kneeling now, I'm sitting while I kneel.

If I was a chick and it was like, about to go down, you know, like in the living room or outside the bedroom, not on a bed situation, and it looks like

I'm just expected to be on my knees on the ground while I get fucked, I would straight up say no. You should say no to that. Next time some guy tries to have sex with you,

like in a kitchen or somewhere it's like no get me some sort of padding that's crazy on your just like on your knees

like this doing like rigorous activity and that's like can you even like can you even like yeah that's the other thing yeah

honestly you're taking it well. I was like, the fur is thick. But – Kevin was wearing it. Let's go. Let's go. But I had – If I didn't have some pants on there and you were doing that to me,

I would be crying. I would have fallen right over and been like, ah, my knees. Naked knees on ground is something that you can do you should all everyone should retire at like 24 max max you guys got two more years of knee fucking and then that's it no more knee sucking or fucking everything's got to be on your back try to have sex on a couch i try to have sex on a mattress on the ground. And I need the bounce back. The bounce back's huge.

Because then you do have to work. What's this superhero who just does the punches? Maybe he's a video game character. You think he's a street fighter. E. Honda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like the second time in the past couple months he's done that.

That's how I fuck. I just punch a mattress. Yeah, I need the... Because is like the second time in the past couple months you've done that. That's how I fuck. I just punch a mattress. Yeah, I need the – because if you go with the motion, you're only doing 50% of the work. The mattress is doing the other work. When you just have a ground, it's all you. Guess what? This is going to be half as long. Twice as hard is going to last half as long.

You realize you've been swinging the bat with a donut on it for a while. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're like, oh, boy. Here it is. Right. It's like all of a sudden you got. I thought that was a person. I thought that was a dinosaur.

KFC, Bites, Big Cat. You guys remember that shit? It's the chicken guy. John the mustache for you. Now, a couple bones to pick. I'm going to make this real quick. The Honda. Yes, it's a Honda.

It's a turbo Honda. But it's four-cylinder, so you got me. The Snapchat. The creepy Snapchat videos. Fuck you, motherfucker. It was 5 a.m. I was working two jobs. I was collecting eggs.

And that was when I would send them out, and it was dark. I sent them out to all the barstool guys nine years ago. That was your fault for opening them up. But you sent me a message one time saying, oh, you and the roommate sit around and watch them and she thinks they're cute and funny so i was like sick send them in like that i i got an in now you guys know what happens if you leave chickens alone for 30 days i i'm not gonna starve them i'm trying to get my car and they let out this prehistoric scream as they start to fucking tear each other apart, because I'm not feeding them, so I set up food systems, water systems, set them solid, dude, 21 days, you're trying to get in your car one morning, and you

hear, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, the one chicken that's laying eggs is gonna know that you're not collecting, goes broody, lays a fucking shit ton of eggs has a clutch and then you've got anywhere from two to i don't know 14 fucking baby chicks running around and then you don't have the heart to let the fucking roosters peck their goddamn eyeballs out and eat their intestines so you set up a broody cage and then you're buying chick food and you're buying fucking heat lamps and your electricity bill goes up and you do it every fucking year. Really poor timing. I do it all the time. It sucks.

And then those are the ones that keep fucking laying. And then the older ones sit on them and make more chickens. All right, enough about chickens. Quick question, story, whatever. Started dating a bartender, my local bartender. I have to find a new fucking spot now. Besides the point, she was sober. She was in AA three years.

Like she still is, I hope. Served drinks, met me while I was drinking every day hanging out having a couple beers flirting whatever she's like oh I don't care about people drinking it's you know I don't I'm the one without self-control it's totally self-aware it was really sick and pretty hot and I was like all right cool you want to go to dinner and she's like yeah sure so take her out to dinner and have a couple beers at dinner I was like you want to go to dinner and she's like yeah sure so take her out to dinner and have a couple beers at dinner i was like you want to go back to my place she's like yeah sure go back to my place and dude it's california smoke a lot of weed she doesn't but i have a couple beers and you know whatever we're hanging out and we go to bed and we're fucking around and i realized halfway through

she's sober i was like dude i haven't had sober sex in like 15 years. How? Morning sex doesn't count. You're not awake. You're not conscious. I mean like straight up sober sex. When was the last time you guys had it? I mean, this is a thing at a certain point in your life.

For sure. I remember that. But it's just – once it's not, it's just not. I don't know. I just had sober sex all the fucking time. I actually – I remember that, but once it's not, it's just not. I don't know. I just had sober sex all the fucking time. There was a time in my life where I probably hadn't had sober sex ever. Right, right, right, right. I probably had sober sex my first time in my 20s, mid-20s.

Stone sober sex. If you're a relationship person, you have sober sex all the time. But – and then even once you get older, like, I don't know. Even if I was like – when I was single, if I'm single and I'm out, like, going out on dates or hooking up with people, you have like – I would have a couple drinks, but I'm not like hammered drunk. Yeah. Because that shit ain't working. Once you're old – once you got alcohol and you're a little bit older, working against your dick getting hard, that's a losing battle. You can't fight a war on two fronts like that.

I can either be a little bit older and I'm sober and I'll, like, overcome it, or I can be young but a little bit drunk and I can overcome it. But once you're old and drunk, like, your dick's not. I can't win that battle. Honestly, now. It's a 2-1-1. You're dick's not. Too dumb. I can't win that battle. Honestly, now. It's a two-on-one. You're double teaming me, and you're going to win that battle every time. Nowadays, I'd prefer sober sex.

Absolutely. I actually always prefer it. I think drunk sex is cool if the chick gets, like, super slutty when she's drunk. But otherwise, the actual feeling of it all is always better when you're sober. There's also just the, like, sober sex. Drunk sex is scary now. Because you're like, I there's also just the like the uh like sober sex drunk sex is scary now because you're like i didn't think it fucking happened yeah and also like i've fucked people who are drunk and i'm like how drunk are you right and like we live together like and i'm still like are you is this consensual? Are you sure? Yeah. Like, if I don't oblige, I'll probably get beaten up.

And I'm still like, I don't know. You're kind of drunk. You ever fuck somebody who, when they're drunk, becomes, like, an absolute freak? And it's like, it's like. Not anyone who I've had sex with sober, so I don't really know. I've had sex with drunk people who were freaks. Right, but that's what I mean. You don't have the comparison?

Because I've had sex with people who are freaky, and then they're drunk, and it's like, oh, okay, you're really freaky. And I'm thinking to myself, just do this all the time. Well, but that's easier said than done. It is. It is. Very entertaining or very outgoing when they're drunk. But that's why I just wanted to almost be like, I just want to let you know, you can always do this if you want.

Yeah, yeah. If you have some nerves or whatever, embarrassment, whatever, that you need to get over in order to be able to like, you know, show me your asshole or something, fine. But don't think that that's like a two-way street. This could be stone sober tuesday 2 p.m you can do this like oh i disagree with that there are times where i don't want to be having slutty sex there are times where there's there's times where you would you would you'll be down to have sex but you don't want it to be like absolutely to me it's all or nothing no i'd rather like like if we're gonna if we're gonna do

this whole thing we're not gonna take my clothes off my my knees are gonna be on the floor and shit we're gonna do all of that then i better be seeing and doing and getting everything i want if we're gonna do this dance then i want it if you don't want to do it like i can understand being like i want to just like get drunk or i just want to eat a big fat meal or i just want to like lay here and watch tv and not have to put on a show. But if we're going to do the show, we're doing the show. Bro, there are plenty of times I'm like, just use me like a real doll. I don't fucking. Yeah, well, no, I can get that.

That's fine. Yeah. You don't want to quickie or you want to just hop on top and ride me like it's a fucking, you know, a doll. Yeah. But I'm a I'm a fucking out of battery Sibian. Go. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Exactly. I like that one. I'm a fucking out-of-battery Sibian. Go nuts. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. I like that one. Are there any normal girls who have a Sibian? No. Do you think that there's any?

Are there any normal guys who have full-blown sex robots? Probably. No, no, because inherently if you have a full-blown sex robot, you're not normal. I think that girls can get away with that more than guys, though. Yeah, but it's a Sibian. If I found out that a girl has a Sibian, I'm not going to be like, you're a creep, like the way I would be about a guy. I'm going to massage this real quick. They don't have Sibians, so they give up a closet space.

Yo, I'll tell you this right now. That's where my shoes go. I would say this. There's three reasons why girls don't have sibians. One, societal shame. Two, cost. Three, space. And number two and three are more the reason than number one.

I think that girls have, I mean, the size and cost is what makes the Sibian absurd. Because all the other fucking things that girls have are over the top and ridiculous equipment and fucking electronics and shit. You know what I mean? It's just that this thing is a big pommel horse that you're hopping on top of. The Sibian is like a goddamn mechanical bull. Yeah, you can't have a Sibian until you have a basement. Yeah, you need like a goddamn mechanical bull. Yeah, you can't have a Sibian until you have a basement. Yeah, you need like a sex room. Yeah.

They should make Sibians that do like the spin, like the mechanical bull. But I bet you there's some like semi-normal chicks out there who do have a Sibian. Listen, if you are a chick

and you have a Sibian, let that freak flag fly. If I showed up to some chick's apartment and we were fucking and she like opened up a door and there was a Sibian in there, I would cry tears. I honestly don't know what I would do. I would cry tears of joy. And then I would fucking hop in that thing.

I'd be like, I'm not Sibian. I would jump right on that. Like, crank it up. By the way, back to I don't even know how we got here. This whole fucking dude's problem, like, you're continuing to feed the chickens. Like, yeah, I understand. Yes, it's a problem. If you close the door and feed the chickens and then they breed and then you have 50 more chickens.

Well, yeah, but I'm like, yeah, so here's the thing. Don't feed them and don't let them breed. And then if they do, now you just let 15 more chickens die. Yeah. Close the door. Deal with the chirping when you're getting in your car for 30 seconds and let the chickens die. Light it on fire. Well, that was my original idea.

Right. But I could understand. That's a little more active. You're an active participant in the murders. I could see neighbors just be like, what happened to your chicken coop? That's not a passive murder. That's a murder. Yeah, you are involved in that shit.

But yeah, he was like, you guys are wrong. Because then you feed them. And then this happens. Well, then just take that stuff out. Yeah, our goal was stop feeding them. That was our idea. You need to close that door and pretend it doesn't exist. Throw a tarp over it or burn it down.

Maybe put a hose in it. Oh, drown them? Yeah. Because then you – I think when you burn a shed down, a coop down, it's going to be a big blaze. Neighbors are going to call the police or the fire department and shit. You just put a hose in there and you just drown these chickens. Well, it's probably too many.

I mean, it's a shed. It's too many holes. You'd have to maybe line it. Line the bottom with some tarp. I think the death will speed up here if it's like they have to deal with also a few feet of water. Yeah, line the bottom with tarp.

Yeah, plug the bottoms, plug up the windows. Next up. So you guys talked last week about how much better Rowan is at battle rapping than anybody else is at anything in the office. So that got me thinking. If you had to draft Barstool content people, or really anybody at Barstool for an event,

but you don't know what the event is, it could be battle rap, it could be cooking, it could be an athletic event. Who knows? That's a great question. But you gotta pick somebody first overall for an event

that you have no idea what it is. So basically who's the most versatile, right? Thanks. Yeah. Viva. That's a tough question.

I mean Roan is still at the very top of that list I think. Roan can host. He can be funny. He knows sports. He can do a lot of that shit.

Also, I'm assuming, I think you inherently, it's a draft. You want to perform well. You want whatever the event to be to have a big turnout, all that kind of shit. So you got to, you know what I mean? There might be some versatile people, but they don't have a big following yet or whatever. If you're talking about just performance, I don't know. Are we talking about like... This is a tough question.

I mean, it's almost like cheating. Dan would be your first overall pick, but you can't take Dan. That's an obvious answer. But no, I mean, it kind of depends. I think we're doing it because Dan plays basketball. I think Dan's the number one pick. I think I would probably go with Brianna. Taking chicken fry?

Yeah. She's got those talks. I mean, I guess it depends. I'm thinking it's like a triathlon. It's got everything. Brianna's a good pick. Yeah, like, I feel like Brianna can do triathlon. It's got everything. Brianna's a good pick. Yeah, like I feel like Brianna can do it all. She's an athlete.

She hasn't done anything athletic yet, but when we were doing Barstool Survivor and the physical challenges were like eating shit, I was hoping the physical challenges were going to be more like MTV challenge shit where it was like an obstacle course or something like that. She was like, I would massacre these people. Really? Yeah, I think she was a track runner in...

That brings a bell now that you say that. So I think she does a solo podcast so she knows how to do that. I think that's impressive. Where's the writing? That was going to be

kind of like the one that was kind of... I'm sure her own can write. But I bet she can. I bet they both can but I don't have the proof. I don't have the proof of it. I think... But I mean, she can do...

She does shit with famous people. She does solo stuff. She can do athletic stuff. She has the biggest crowd. Like, the most diehard fans. She does merch. She does... She's young.

Has the girl demo. Yeah, it's a great pick. When I do these hypothetical Barstool drafts in my head, she's always one of my top picks. I'm just going to go take the next Alex Cooper before I do anything. I wouldn't even be able to do anything with it.

It's not like I'd be like, oh, we're going to have a show. I'd just be like, over there. I'll draft John. We'll go do our thing. And by the way, you just go be Alex Cooper. You're a KFC radio listener. Obviously you're listening to all this podcast, all these jokes we're making. And you're thinking,

when are they going to get to the financial advice aspect of the podcast? Well, guess what? That's what time we're at right now. We were at time for me to help you save for your retirement. You're thinking, you're thinking, you're thinking, how am I going to, how am I going to do stuff when I get older when I don't have a job anymore? Well, if you, if you go to masterworks, you can have all the money,

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uh see important disclosures at masterworks.io disclaimer um all right we are here with brad williams brad i'm gonna be honest with you right now which is something i rarely do with anybody oh wow you're the first person i've ever interviewed in my life what i'm popping your cherry i thought you guys were like successful like this big podcast and like all this stuff kevin usually handles i i sit here and i talked during the interviews but kevin drives the boat okay kevin really handles it so i don't know how this is gonna go we're gonna figure it out along the way that that puts an insane amount of confidence in me this is like right before you go under and then your surgeon just goes well never done this before well i mean you came in here and you said you were caroline's last night and you told the crowd

you were coming on kfc radio yep and half cheered half viciously booed yes viciously booed and then i had to be like wait what am i going on like i don't know why they i mean i guess i have an idea they don't like us i took a fucking shot in the dark on that one yeah uh it was really it was really interesting uh i did not i did not expect that to happen but uh i did but if you didn't ask me i'd be like don't bring it up yeah don't it's just one of those terms i i get it. Barstool. Some people are like, that's the greatest thing ever. Some people are like, it's problematic.

Yeah. So it's just whatever side you're on. It's fine. But for those of you who don't know, Kevin got COVID. Fuck Kevin. He's not here. And it sucks because I don't know if you know this. Dwarf jizz cures COVID.

Whoa. It cures it.izz cures COVID. Whoa! It cures it. It cures it. All right, hang on. Let me send this water real quick. Hold on. Pop it in this bottle. I'll bring it to Kevin later.

Hold on. Yeah. I just feel like I'll just start saying weird stuff like that, and then some website will pick it up, and then it'll be like an Alex Jones, like, Dwarf Jizz cures COVID and turns the frogs gay. Yeah. And everyone, like, because, like, no, like, dwarf jays, dwarf jays, it cures COVID and turns the frogs gay. And everyone, like, because, like, no, like, people. So your wife's, like, the healthiest person on the planet right now. We were five years married with a two-year-old, so she's not getting very healthy very often.

So she's very sick. Yeah, she's very sick Yeah she's very sick right now But yeah It's just one of those things where People aren't quite sure what's going on I was literally at a grocery store And a guy like Pointed at me and yelled at me And said look what it did to him

Shut the fuck up Yeah so like literally he thought I was walking around Like pre-COVID At like 6'4 Just, having a great time. And then someone, like, sneezed on me, and it was like Mario touching a Goomba. Someone yelled? Do you think they were referring to, or did they make it clear, were they referring to COVID or the vaccine? Oh, yeah, that was pre-vaccine.

Pre-vaccine. So that was definitely COVID, although now it'll probably happen again because of the vaccine. Someone will come out, look what I did to him. I'm going to go the Aaron Rodgers route. I'm going to get immunized. A little Canadian thing. Roger Goodell would just sit down with me.

I could explain my thoughts on the situation. Absolutely. I think we could solve all the problems. So what did you do? Oh, I just laughed. You just laughed. It's like I can't. As a dwarf, you can't freak out every time someone says or yells weird stuff at you.

That would be my day. That would be my entire day. My favorite one, though, and this is one that keeps happening Is that people go like What's up big guy And I'm like What What the fuck are we doing Okay

What the fuck are we doing I'm so fucking happy You brought that up Yeah Because I call people big man all the time Okay And we have a little person who works here

Yeah I saw him Yeah He walked in the front desk And I kind of looked at him like Wait is this like my green room gift? Like, what's happening? Did they buy me a friend?

That's weird. He just has COVID. We were hoping he'd fix it. Oh, okay. It's weird because whenever I see another dwarf, we just kind of stare at each other, and then we do the nod like, what's up? The jeep wave with little people.

Yeah, which is just called a microwave. That's what that's called. But, yeah, I saw him, and that was awesome. I thought, like, okay, these people are little people friendly. They know what's up. But as, like, I walk in the hallway, that's kind of my, like, what's up, big man? I say it to everybody, and then I do it to Zot all the time. And he never said anything, but in my own head, I got, like, ah, maybe Zot not things I'm making fun of him so I stopped calling him big man I just went to Zot but see

that's the thing where now you now you're crossing a different line where I'm like if you do it for everybody yeah do it to me too right do it to me too like because I don't I never want to be the guy that's like oh I treat everyone else this way but I'm gonna treat you slightly different because I don't think you can handle it like no you fuck with other people fuck with me it's fine that makes that makes sense yeah i overthought it yeah exactly basically everything yeah but just like i don't know like i just don't get the logic of like because i i i know they like look at me like what's up big guy and i'm like i don't know if they're trying to fool me like i don't know if they're trying to make me be like wait maybe i am a big guy like i i don't know if that's what they're doing i i don't know if they're trying to make me be like wait maybe i am a big guy like i i don't know if that's what they're doing i i don't know if they do it to everyone they just go up to opposites you know

like they they go up to someone with diabetes and like what's up foot yeah you know what i mean like i i don't know what's i don't know what's going on but you got his nickname right yeah right yeah yeah yeah exactly it's just opposites it's fine it's fine um i was watching the special last night um oh which one generous Degenerates 2. Oh, Degenerates. Yeah. And you were in Vegas, and you mentioned Vegas. Yeah.

Are you a big Vegas guy? Yeah. You are? Huge Vegas guy. See, I got back yesterday. I live four hours away, so yeah. Four hours? That's not close.

Are you kidding me? That's close. Four hours isn't close. That's some outside the Northeast bullshit. That's West Coast close. I went to school in the in the south it was the same thing like yeah it's like eight hours like you want to drive eight hours tonight like fucking no yeah in the northeast it's like i don't drive past i'm from i'm from the boston area what a barstool guy shocking shocking did not think i'd meet any boston people. Shocking. And the – I won't drive past New York.

Okay. I ain't going to New York, so two and a half hours is close. Three hours is close. But the – I just got back from Vegas. I was there this weekend. I don't get it. You don't get it? I don't get it, man.

What don't you get about Vegas? Whatever you want, they have. Yeah, but like – At really expensive prices. Like, what is not to get? It's all the same. Every building is the same building. There's a pyramid.

There's New York. And there's Italy. You can go on a tour of the world right there, and you're like, they're all the same. It's adult Epcot. Yeah, they're all the same. So when we're inside the buildings, it's all just table games. We were out Friday night. Do you hate fun? Like, what's wrong with you? It's all just table games. We were out Friday night. Do you hate fun?

What's wrong with you? It's not that I hate fun. It's that I don't like fun that doesn't make sense to me. We're playing blackjack at fucking Stratosphere. So you don't eat hot dogs because that doesn't make sense. That's fun. Those make sense to me. Don't think a lot about it.

A phallic meat? That makes sense. I get it. Just shut up and have fun. It's booze. It's nightlife. It's comedy. It's great food.

Is the comedy good there? Yeah. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some great shows there. And, like, you can go to, like, the big shows, you know, like the people that are filming theaters. I know Mirage has, like, Aces of Comedy series, and they usually have like top-notch headliners. The Laugh Factory at the Tropicana, they usually have some great headliners.

Brad Garrett's Comedy Club at the MGM, you usually find some really cool comics that you may not know yet, but you will know. And then this new club just opened that's more for the locals. So if you want to like go outside that, it's called Wise Guys, and they have one outside of Salt Lake City or in Salt Lake City, and then they just moved. I'm just doing ads for now. I'm just doing ads. This one is sponsored by Brad Williams Comedy.

Yeah, there's so many great spots to see comedy and live events. I saw a bunch of advertisements for it and stuff like that, but I think of Vegas as kind of where you go when you're washed up not even in comedy but just like with comedy with like residencies like with like you know like Celine Dion and Britney Spears past her prime I don't know Adele just signed a ton of money yeah and then she was like fuck this I'm not passing I'm not doing it yeah oh but it's like I I don't know I think you go there when you've made your money, and now you're like, I don't want to fly in planes anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I just want to go to one spot all the time, get treated like a king or a queen, and just enjoy it. But, like, hell, I'd do a Cirque show. Why not? Dude, I fell asleep. I went to, oh, I fell asleep in it. You fell asleep in it. Oh.

There's people flying off trapezes There are people literally In a giant pool In the middle of a hotel In a desert And you're like Not entertaining enough Not entertaining enough

It's actually It was So it was the day I got there So I've been awake For like 21 hours straight Okay And uh Cause the time changes

Shit like that Yeah And so I felt I was a 930 show And It actually is funny Cause you do take it for granted, despite how entertaining it is. Yeah.

Like, they're doing crazy body flips and contorting their bodies and things I never heard of. And after five minutes, I was like, all right, I get it. What else can you do? God, I would hate to be your girlfriend, man. Riding you and, like, doing all these, like, weird reverse cowgirl cartwheel positions. You're like, yeah, we did that once before. What else you you got i'm glad you bring it up because yes sex is boring too well now all opinions from you have been uh made invalid yeah because because you don't like vegas

how long it take five minutes you don't like vegas you don't like sex all these things are boring do you like hate Nutella too yes I do I saw a recipe just the other day on Instagram for Nutella french toast sticks and I was like that would be too sugary alright this is gonna I know I'm the guest but I feel like I've done

enough interviews people know about me we need to know about you what makes you happy what makes you happy what makes you happy my man you're opening a can of worms what's your what's your ideal saturday you got a free day what are you doing what what makes you happy when i find out you'll be the first person i tell okay i'll tell you i promise you that so sex not a fan. Nutella, no. What if my answer was just fistfuls of Nutella? Fistfuls of Nutella?

On the couch just hand-banging fucking Nutella. That would explain a lot. It would actually make more sense. It'd be a lot of fun. Oh, man. No, nothing makes you happy, man. That's the quest. That's what we're all looking for, right? What makes you happy?

Oh, I love doing stand-up. I love traveling. I love going to a city and doing whatever the thing is in that city. I was here in New York. I was doing shows at Caroline's. I went and saw the Book of Mormon musical. It was awesome. Dope.

Book of Mormon. Oh, okay. Oh, I love Broadway. Oh, there we go. I'm a big Broadway guy. Okay, and you live in New York. That's good. Now we're starting somewhere.

I think we're having a breakthrough. I think we're having a breakthrough. Okay, that kind of stuff makes me happy. And just every time I make my daughter laugh, that makes me happy too. That's sick. Yeah. Oh, it was the best. So the other day, my daughter's two, and my wife and I gave her a bath,

and she's there, And she's talking now And she just goes like Daddy in the tub And I'm like I'm wearing my clothes I can't get It's not working But I want to make my daughter happy

Right So I just I just In my clothes I jumped in the tub Literally jumped Cannonballed into the tub Because you can do that

When you're a dwarf And cannonballed into the tub And water just flies everywhere, and my daughter's laughing, just hysterically laughing. And my wife's mad because the water's all over. She's like, why did you do that? Now the whole bathroom is wet. And then my daughter goes, it's okay, Mommy.

Daddy's silly. And I'm like, yeah, God damn right. Yeah, it's Daddy's silly. You better know and understand that Daddy's silly. We have a house because Daddy is silly. You better know and understand that daddy's silly We have a house cause daddy is silly You better hope and pray daddy keeps being silly You better encourage this behavior Do you find that like

The humor You have to do for your daughter Changes the humor you do like on stage and stuff like that Oh yeah Maybe you're more physical because she's young and doesn't really understand Yeah yeah yeah yeah Like it's all like I don't know. The stage is still, like, I can separate the two.

Like, Ray Romano had this great joke. He did it on Letterman where he said, so I got twins, and they're, like, and they're newborn twins, so I just wrote a new bit. Want to see it? Everyone claps, and he just takes out his keys and starts jiggling them there you go look at that it's a great joke uh so yeah i can compartmentalize the stuff that makes her laugh and then the stuff that makes my makes my fans laugh and the audiences at comedy clubs laugh but uh it is just like i get home and it's just

that's my goal all the time. It's just make her laugh. Like make sure she's happy. And it's fun. It's real easy too. You open a book in front of your face and act like it hit your nose and she's cracking up. And I'm just like, yes. These are some easy audiences. I wish my audiences were all that easy.

It's great, man. It's a lot of fun. You were talking about – I'm glad you actually brought it up because you were talking about how you like to go to different cities and do the thing in that city. Yeah. So I always wondered what a comedian does so much on the road. I've seen Louis C.K. where he talks about, I think he talks about just jerking off and eating chicken wings all day. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and apparently with an audience. Maybe the audience didn't want to be there. Maybe the audience wanted to be there. I don't know. It's up to him. Whatever. I didn't even think about that. Sure, sure you brought it up i mean but he talks about going outside it's like he's like seeing the sun for the first time you get up and you go

and try and do stuff i gotta do stuff in the city man like is that is that for your own it's for my own mental health like like if i woke up every day in whatever hotel i was in and just stayed in the hotel like like that's, it's great. It's groundhog day. It's the worst part of groundhog day. Uh, and so I go out,

I do stuff. If I'm like, I can't tell you how many times I've run up the damn Rocky steps in Philly. I don't care. Like I'll go, I'll do it. I'll go see the museums. I'll go to a game.

I'll go. Uh, love zoos. Dude, no. Do you hate zoos? Yo. Okay.

So glad you brought that up, man. Okay. Ios? Dude, no. Do you hate zoos? Yo, okay. So, I'm glad you brought that up, man. Okay. I was, I went to a zoo for the last time probably 10 years ago. Oh, no. It made me really sad. But then, when I was in Vegas this weekend, I went to the Golden Nugget. I went to Old Vegas.

Old Vegas was sick. Yeah, okay. I liked Old Vegas a lot. There you go. And I had dinner at Chart House. Okay. And in Chart House, there's a huge fish tank okay and and i don't know for the first time in my life i was like what if they like are conscious what if they are more conscious than we give them credit for and they're just in there screaming like

why the fuck are these people just watching me let me out of this prison and it ruined my dinner so you so how much pot did you consume right before dinner where you're just like looking at a fish tank like dude all they're in prison all i could hear were screams the screams of fish coming from 10 000 leagues under the sea just like how you need you need to give me your pot dealer's name so i never go to him because i don't know what strands you got but but it's not stuff I like. But it's possible, right? Isn't it possible that the fish know they're fucking trapped and just want to be out of there?

I'm not an animal guy, maybe. I don't know. All I know is I take a different strand of pot, apparently, and I just stare at the fish tank, and I'm happy as shit. I'm immediately transported to a desert isle. So, yeah, but I love zoos, man. fish tank and i'm happy as shit i'm immediately transported to a desert isle so uh yeah but i but i love zoos man but it's weird because zoos there's like like there's zoos like the san diego zoo zoo miami uh uh and uh that that are like really big zoos that like you can tell they're doing it right and then there's sad zoos where i do get that feeling. Okay, so the sad zoo I was at was in, like, it was a sad zoo.

It wasn't a big, grand zoo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That can definitely happen where you walk and you're just like, oh, man. And, like, then the animals kind of look fucked up. You know, like the lion is missing a few patches of skin or whatever. And you're like, this is. He's got, like, shit stuck to his ass. Yeah, and, like, this isn't Madagascar.

This isn't that movie it's it's sad this was what was it was the roger williams park zoo it was in like so i think it's technically new bedford mass maybe dartmouth mass okay and it was it was like winter too so all the animals were just fucking freezing trying to hide in like fake caves it was i would i would love to be anywhere in massachusetts and go to a zoo not to see the animals, but just hear the thick Massachusetts accents. Yeah, like, let's go see the otters! I wanna go see

the otters! They do those funny things to the hens, I wanna go see a fucking otter. Otters are funny, though. They are! I just wanna hear a guy from, like, thick Massachusetts accent yell that out. That's it. That's me. I'm weird. When you're going out and you're doing things, are you doing it in search of material? Always.

Always. Always. Because when you go on stage in a town and you say, hey, I was at your zoo today, or I was around in your weird mall, or was – like the audience likes you for it. They're like, oh, he's a person. He goes out. He thought us – he thought my town was special and he went out and saw some stuff in my town. It makes people happy if you make those local references and you make those local jokes.

And they're like, okay, he's one of us. And so I really like doing that and i i get tired of doing like i'm constantly trying to write material and i'll get tired of doing the same stuff over and over again so yeah if i see stuff i and i could make it work into my act then fuck yeah i'll make it work into my act it it's always fun that that's the weird part about being a comedian there's a lot of weird parts but one of the weird parts is that your job is never done like you can't clock out and be like all right like you all i'm always can i shoot a video can i write a joke can i do something can i add to my act am i doing a social media post am i doing a podcast am i doing like

it's never it's not it's never done i'm sure there's a lot of jobs like that but it's just weird where it's like and if i write my hour and i have a great hour set i'm not done because i have to be like well eventually i'm gonna have to write a new hour so i should start getting material for that that is that's that i remember when i started like blogging my dad being like you gotta have a separation between work life and personal life yeah and that just doesn't exist i think it doesn't exist anymore for a lot of people. Yeah. But particularly like. Well, especially with a lot of people working from home now. Yeah.

Like there's no separation. It's like, yeah, you're filing that report as your baby's running around in diapers. Like it's no separation. And I agree with your dad. It is valuable. It's important. I try to do that when I go home. I try to like, all right, I'm going to be present.

I'm going to be with my wife. I'm going to be with my daughter. But it's hard because shit happens. I checking twitter because i gotta know what's going on in the news so i so i don't like tweet advertisements for my show right after a mass shooting happened because that's horrible everyone's like arguing about whatever and there's it's a big tragedy i'm like come see my show Dude that happened here once We had a guy He wrote a blog That was

The blog was about How awesome it is To break news Like And it's true Like it is It's fun to tell someone Like the news

Like it is I did it two weeks ago When Tom Brady retired I was skiing I was telling everybody Every lift I got I was like I'm gonna see about Brady

But he wrote this blog At let's call it I don't know Nine o'clock in the morning. Yeah. Breaking news is the best, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. 9.30 in the morning. Oh, no. Sandy Hook.

Oh. Like, it was, like, still, like, the top blog on the site. And people were like, what are you, a monster? Yeah, like, breaking news is fun. It's fun to tell people about one of the most horrific events in human recorded history. It's a hoot. We obviously took it down. Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

It was a completely fair mistake. It was just how it happened. Sometimes that just happens. Sometimes you just make a mistake. Sometimes your name's Kevin and you get COVID. Does that mean you're a horrible human being? Not necessarily. You're probably horrible for other reasons. Kevin's going to talk get COVID. You know, does that mean you're a horrible human being? Not necessarily. You're probably horrible for other reasons.

Kevin's going to talk shit when he comes back, isn't he? Yeah, he should talk shit about it. I don't know him. Never met him. Talking shit about him. What's wrong with me? He's used to that. I figure. I figure.

Now, we have to talk about your wife being a black belt in five separate martial arts. Okay. Was that it it let's do the rankings okay because when you say black belt because there's black belt like i've got a seven-year-old nephew who's a black belt okay it's not that it's a fourth dawn black belt in taekwondo uh a second degree black belt in hopkido and then she got she got a black belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Okay. Three. Yeah, three.

So three martial arts. I got to get the rankings right. It's, like, disrespectful. So, yeah, yeah. So she is a weapon. One of those, like, I can't hit you because my hands are classified as weapons. Kind of. Yeah.

You know, some people sleep next to guns. I sleep next to my wife in a pit bull. I'm good. I'm good. I got my wife in the house. I got a pit bull in the house. I've never slept better. It's great.

You ever go out and basically instigate a fight? No. No? Not with her. No, with a stranger at the bar. No. No. Because, all right, so here's the thing.

I've discovered that a lot of guys and women that have this kind of training are very similar. They don't want to get into a fight even more so. Because if you get into a fight there's a chance you'll throw

a couple weird haymakers. They'll miss.'ll throw, like, a couple weird haymakers. They'll miss. The other guy will throw a couple weird haymakers, and friends will probably break it up, and that'll be it. And maybe you might even high-five afterward and be like, want to get a beer? Right. If my wife fights someone, they're dead. Quickly. Very quickly.

Like, it's no, like, it's, you no, like, they're knocked out. That's gotta be such an awesome power. It's weird, but it's that Spider-Man thing. Like, with great power comes great responsibility. Like, she just can't be out there just like, you know, just going in and going in.

Why can't I think of the fucking bar fighting movie that's the most popular? Roadhouse. Roadhouse. Why? I've seen it nine times. Yeah, she can't just think of the fucking bar fighting movie that's the most popular? Roadhouse. Why? I've seen it nine times. Yeah, she can't just walk out like, doing Kano's Mortal Kombat heart punch. It's saved for only specific purposes. I've only seen her fight, and this is the joke from the Netflix special. I've only seen her fight once

and but i'll say god damn it that wasn't the hottest thing in the world to watch my wife front kick a dude in vegas like in the face and he's knocked out in one shot ah that was the best i feel like so many guys Would be Emasculated by that Or whatever I completely agree with you That would be hot as Fucking shit It is

Like yeah I'm married to Black Widow Yeah That's fucking dope It's amazing That and like Some guys are like Well

But like Don't you feel weird Cause she can beat you up I'm like I'm four foot nothing A lot of people can beat me up I'm used to it I'm not winning

Any fights Really It's also such a weird Like Precedent Where it's like Yeah I'm used to it I'm not winning Any fights Really It's also such a weird Like Precedent Where it's like Yeah I mean I guess But like

I don't feel tougher When I'm talking to a woman I can beat up No Don't worry If this thing gets physical I can take her Yeah

No It's weird to have the threat of violence Looming at all times In the back of your mind Yeah It's like Well but she can kick your ass I'm like

I don't know I don't know. I don't plan on it getting there. Yeah, right. I plan on just watching Too Hot to Handle on Netflix and having a whiskey and going to bed. Like, that's what my evening is with her. By the way, shout out to the Too Hot to Handle cast. Big fans.

Are you a big reality guy? I'm not. No. Wife is. She's tougher, so she chooses. Yeah, so she chooses the TV, and we're like, I guess we're watching Property Brothers. Yeah, she's obsessed with the Discovery Plus. But here's one thing about, she's obsessed with 90 Day Fiance, Too Hot to Handle, all those shows, all the weird dating shows.

And at first, I was like, absolutely not. I hate this stuff. Throw on some sports. Throw on some crazy dramas. Maybe Boba Fett. Let's watch that. That's me. And then I started watching her shows,

and I realized how good it is in a marriage to watch 90 Day Fiance because whatever fight you're having with your spouse, you watch 90 Day Fiance, you just look at your spouse and go, I love you. Thank God you're not that person. Thank God. You watch Too Hot to Handle, and as much as I'm a fan of those, they are dumb as fuck. They're probably decent human beings. But, yeah, at least they come across in the show very dumb and very vapid.

And we just look at each other and go, oh, thank God. Like, yeah, I don't look like the guys are too hot to handle my wife although i find her insanely hot uh doesn't look like the women are too hot to handle but we can talk and we could have debates and we could talk you know life politics sports whatever and like that's oh that's it i'll take that any day of the week that is any day i've never like heard that argument that is a very smart argument to just like like, watch those things. Because I remember, like, watching – We all have that friend, too.

And have that friend, especially when you're in a relationship, a serious relationship. Have that friend. I'm a comedian, so I have a lot of these friends. Have that friend that's horrible at relationships. Absolutely horrible. Always picks the wrong people is is just out there just like dating horrible human beings and and you just look at your spouse and go i'm not i'm i'm not him i'm not him i'm not perfect but i'm not him dude we do the i've had like i don't really like reality

tv i've never really dated anyone who does so we always watch like the serious shit like i i remember back in like college maybe seeing revolutionaryary Road with Leonardo DiCaprio. And it's just like vicious fights the whole time. Yeah. But then they're fighting about things that you fight about. Yeah. So you're sitting there like sweating. It's like worse than watching like a sex scene with your parents.

We were like they're arguing about exactly what's wrong with this relationship. Yeah. And we both fucking know it. Yeah. And this is awful. That movie, it waslett johansson and adam driver marriage story that was gonna be the other one i brought up don't watch that with your with your spouse don't watch that because you'll be like oh we fight about that and then you'll take the side of whatever person that was having your argument and they'll just be like of course you have that side oh it's bad that's why like okay yeah your spouse what like watch the stupid reality

show it's where where they're having fights about uh uh stuff that you'll never have a fight about watch the watch mandalorian because you're not gonna be like you know i remember when you stole my armor like no that's not a fight. So, yeah, watch that stuff. Don't watch the stuff. I recently realized that. Watching relatable fights is so much worse than watching a sexy movie. Oh, yeah.

No, not at all. I'm not a fan of that. Like, if there's ever a movie that's like a dwarf actor with a tall half Chinese black belt, I'm not going to watch that movie. Because I'm going to be like, that's like a dwarf actor with a tall uh with a tall uh half chinese black belt i'm not gonna watch that movie because i'm gonna be like that's that's us that's gonna hit a little close to home i feel like yeah closest thing we saw was the station agent uh that was that that was peter dinklage's like breakout role and uh he he like dates a woman a tall woman in that one and i'm like i didn't watch it with my wife but watched it at the time with my girlfriend who obviously was since broken up. And, yeah, that was weird.

It was weird. She's like, is that how you view me? I'm like, I don't know. You say how I view you, and then I'll say if I agree or not. I don't want to fill in the blanks right here and get in trouble. No. That's how Madeline does it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not, yeah. Do you know why I'm mad at you? I'm going to shut the fuck up. I'm not going to say anything because I you do you know why i'm mad at you i'm i'm gonna shut the fuck up i'm not gonna say anything because i'll say something else you'll be like wait that and then uh but yeah station agent was probably like the closest thing speaking of dinklage okay you just you i saw you on tmz yeah um let's get into it it's it's not it's just like we have to ask you before i let you go if there's anything you'd like to say on the matter. I thought your idea was good.

Yeah. And she ends up dating one of the little people. Okay. So to summarize, and I feel like, okay, there needs to be more famous little people because when something happens in the world of Dwarf, which would be a great Pornhub category. When something happens in the world of Dwarf, it's like you go to Dinklage, you go to Wee Man, you go to me. Yeah, right. That's about it. So we're just out there and being the Dwarf Jesse Jackson.

And so Dinklage, or as TMZ said, I called him Dink, which I'm like, I didn't call him Dink. That's my guy, Dink. What I called him Dink Which I'm like I didn't call him Dink That's my guy Dink What the hell Dink By the way Dink sounds like A more derogatory term

For dwarf Than the word midget Like it's like Oh that fucking Dink Over there Dude Dink is actually One of my favorite insults Just like

I've heard Like dude's a fucking Dink Yeah It sounds like that When Mariano Rivera retired Me and my friends Went to Fenway He did his retirement tour We were at the game At Fenway Holding a sign That said Mariano Rivera retired, me and my friends went to Fenway. He did his retirement tour.

We were at the Fenway holding a sign that said Mariano Rivera is a dink. I love that. See? So because on the headline for TMZ, they said Brad Williams says dink's right. And I'm like, I did not say dink's right. That's like some weird. Oh, no, I didn't say that. So basically, Dinklage is on the Mark Maron podcast

And they're talking about stuff He's a very serious guy He's very serious Yeah I didn't know I've only really I only know him mostly from Thrones Yeah yeah yeah And he's kind of more of the fun character in that

And I didn't realize how serious he was It's weird I'm trying to work on my Peter Dinklage impression It's pretty fucking good This is about Because I thought that his voice in Game of Thrones was, it was like just a weird voice that he made up and I'm like, oh, it's his voice with a

slight British accent. If you listen to him on Maren, that's close. But anyway, so they brought up the new Snow White movie, the live action Snow White movie. And Dinklage is like, hey, they have a Latina Snow White. That's great.

But you're still telling the dwarf story, which is kind of fucked up. And I'll say this because it's hard to just like say one quick opinion about it. And then it like summarizes everything. There's layers to this shit. So one of the reasons why because people like, oh, but Snow White's's not offensive the dwarves are like good characters like here's the thing uh when snow white came out for a lot back in the 20s but like that when it was something like that google that somebody uh like you have a staff googling that anyway um when that came out that was the only representation that dwarves really had in popular media so for a lot of people when they heard the word dwarf that's immediately what they thought like oh yeah old

dudes live by themselves have have names that are based on emotions uh women they don't have them uh like you know like that that's what they that's what they thought and i've been in many situations where where people ask me like hey what's the i don't want to offend you what's the proper terminology and i go oh like like dwarf or little person. And then they'll correct me. They go, no, not dwarf. Dwarf is a fairy tale. I'm like, well, what the fuck are we doing?

Like why are you asking me this? What a ridiculous thing to do. Yeah, it's like I have dwarfism. I have a chondroplastic dwarfism. It's what I have. It's a medical term. They're like, no, you didn't. You got COVID.

Yeah, yeah. Good callback. So, yeah, so he said that like, why are they? And I see all sides of the story where it's like, there's a lot of dwarf actors that are like, hey, Dinklage, shut the fuck up. It's the only roles we get. And now you're trying to make them cancel the dwarves? Like, no. Because they already canceled.

Watch Christmas commercials now. You'll never see a dwarf as an elf anymore. No shit. And that was when we could always count on, like, all right, it's elf season, boys. We got work. We got work coming in. Elf season. And then, yeah, so we have elves, we have leprechauns, and then we had Snow White.

And then they made a movie about 10 years ago called snow white and the huntsman and yeah and they had dwarves in them but they weren't dwarves they were tall guys that they cgi down to little people get out of fuck you okay like really yeah they did that they robert dowdy jr tropic thundered them like they were all they were all tall guys that were uh cgi down uh that's fucking insane yeah it's stupid like oh you couldn't find dwarf actors like trust me i see him they're we're out there anyway but and now so dinklage is like let's stop doing the dwarf thing and disney to their credit came back and was like well we're we're we're talking with little people we're talking with dwarf leaders and i'm like we have leaders i was not part of this election like i i

didn't get that i missed the meeting like what the hell players association vote on it yeah like i don't know like all i i always thought dinklage was king dwarf to be honest i thought we all kind of looked at him like yeah you're the guy but uh the guy. But so I like the fact that Disney said that they're going to talk with, quote, unquote, dwarf leaders and try to reimagine how little people are because I think that would be good. I think it would be great if it was Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, but some of the dwarves were women. It showed the dwarves in relationships. Like, oh, they're families. They're people. They're not just seven dudes.

Like, they're not that. They're not just seven dudes. Like, hello, hello. Like, they're not that. They're like actual human beings. I would think that'd be great. And then the solution I gave on TMZ, which you referred to, is that I think Snow White should end up with one of the dwarves at the end of the movie. I think that's perfect because as it stands right now, the dwarves give her shelter. You know? They feed her. They do their best to protect her.

They try to save her when the queen gets her, and she friend zones all of them. Yeah, they don't assault her in her sleep. Yeah. That's a pretty nice thing. All of them, yeah. They didn't commit necrophilia, which is what the prince fucking does. The prince wanders in and goes, ah, dead girl. I'll make out with her.

Cool. Oh, we're in love now. Great. Like, that's who you end up with? A tall prince who makes out with you while you're legally dead? That's how easy it is for tall people. And you're not giving dopey and HG? What's wrong with you?

Like, that's the nice guy not the prince really yeah but he's a prince he's rich yeah the the dwarves are diamond miners we're good we're rolling in it you know i thought diamonds were a girl's best friend apparently not fucking snow white uh so that so so that's my opinion on that it's kind of both sides i understand where i want there obviously to be roles for little people, not just me, but, uh, for all dwarf actors,

they can get work. I also understand that. Yeah. Just doing the dwarf movie again. It's kind of like, ah, fuck. Yeah.

Like, like, like, uh, I'm friends with we man. Um, uh, cause you know,

of course we all know each other. and, but every time a new jackass movie comes out, I'm like, here we go. I saw you with that when you had to be like, uh, not me with lesnar uh yeah yeah yeah rumble yeah yeah yeah brock lesnar slammed uh it's weird i've had a few of these moments in the last few weeks so brock lesnar slammed we man through a table at dinner not even in the ring just like oh you're

hanging out boom table hard ass fucking. Hard-ass fucking table. I don't think he broke it. I think he, like, bounced off of it. And I'm like, that's a little... Brock Lesnar versus Wee Man. That's not exactly a fair fight. But, yeah, so I was like, that's not me. And then, speaking of wrestling, the dwarf wrestler Hornswoggle went on Tucker Carlson.

And I literally, to talk about the dinklage Yeah yeah Snow white thing I literally got text messages From people that are like Dude you were on Tucker Carlson And I stopped and was like Was I on Tucker Carlson

Like did I get really drunk And call my agent Like put me on Tucker Like did that happen No it didn't thankfully So yeah yeah So I was not on Tucker Carlson That was Warren Swoggle

But yeah Like I like Wee Man I like what he's done I like the fact that Everyone on that show Is equally made fun of Which is great I like the fact that

Even Jackass If you saw the new movie I haven't yet They Like it's not just The Jackass guys They've added a bunch of people So you have women

You have minorities It's like alright cool Oh really Even the jackass guys. They've added a bunch of people, so you have women. You have minorities. It's like, all right, cool. Oh, really? Even the jackass guys are going a little inclusion. It's great. But, you know, there is a part of me that doesn't like when a new jackass movie comes out because now people see me, they think I'm Wee Man. They're like, oh, let's kick him in the nuts and toss him in a shopping cart.

It's like, no, not a fan. Nope, I'll tell jokes. How about that? Yeah, I'll tell jokes. Do that to him. That's fine. But, yeah. So, like, we're all out there just kind of doing our own thing do i do i always do i do i want positive represent representation for little people of course i do but at the same time i understand people you know people gotta feed your families you gotta make a

buck you know if you're down in florida and you're a dwarf and you want to get tossed all right you know hopefully they have a net or something that can catch you. As long as people aren't running out there. They're doing it without nets. That's funny. Yeah. As long as people aren't tossing me, I'm fine. If you want to pay and some guy is like, I'm cool with it.

All right. That's fine. Consenting adults. Have fun. But yeah, just don't do it to me. Not a fan. You guys have a lot of whistle pig in here we do we're a big uh we're a big whistle but you want some i love whistle pig

yeah dude that's our that's our main sponsor i love me some whistle pig it is truly like the greatest thing that's ever happened to me i'm a big whiskey guy myself yeah and whistle pig solid it is one of the crowning achievements of my career where it was like they became like the main sponsor of the podcast yeah that's a really made it moment i have this bottle in my collection yeah uh whistle pig actually sent me stuff and if uh if they're watching you want to send me some more stuff whistle pig i'm a big fan uh i see that boss hog up there i yeah they're probably not going to send me one of those but that's's a little expensive. We did a tour of their distillery, and they have the Boss Hog 1. I think they have the 8 now, right?

Yeah. They said the Boss Hog 1 goes for $10,000 a bottle. Hey, Whistlepig, I got a daughter that I got to get to college one day. If you want to send me a Boss Hog 1, you have one just hanging around no but uh no uh i'm i'm a big i'm a big whiskey guy i i like i like me some whiskeys and uh i'm not just saying this because they're right in front of me and i'm trying to get free shit but whistle pig is a very good whiskey we can i think we got some bottles around if we will pop in the swag bag there oh there's a swag bag of course it's a swag bag let's get out of here empty-handed i mean are you throwing the liquid ivs in there too because if i drink enough whistle pig i'll need

some liquid iv i'm just hitting all your sponsors you're nailing it i'm hitting all the biggest spots now yeah sponsors here bait basically i'm at like i'm trying to be a nascar like if people want to send me stuff and have me wear their shit, great. I will. Like I said, oh, hey, this Body Armor water is very refreshing. Hold on. Let me take a sip of Body Armor water. Crystally refreshing.

That's wonderful. And it's alkaline. It's good for you. All right. What else can I hawk? I've got some shampoo and conditioner over there. All right. I don't care. I'm an asshole.

Where are you headed next? Well, when does this podcast come out? This podcast will come out tomorrow or Thursday. Tomorrow or Thursday? Okay. Well, you know what? Just go to my website. Just go to bradwilliamscomedy.com. I'm going to be all around Central California, coming up in Baltimore, coming up in Houston. Yeah, I'm touring like a goddamn madman. So, yeah. Were you locked down during COVID? Yeah. I was locked down for a year.

I toured like – so, me and Jeff Dye, I believe, were the first comics back. We went out back in May of 2020. Yeah. But, like, I wasn't back fully. It was, like, third capacity rooms. I didn't do meet and greets afterward. I, like, was in my hotel club, back to the hotel. Like, that's it.

Depressed. Yeah, depressed. Yeah, and I would do, like, one show a month and then yeah depressed yeah and i would do like one uh show a month and then come home get tested and then like that that was my money for the month yeah you know what i mean so i i did that but now triple vaxxed let's go let's go back on tour daddy was home and and there's never a good time for a worldwide pandemic, but my daughter was born in January of 2020, and then two months later, the world shut down. So it was never a good time. That was the best possible time for me because I got to be actually home.

I got to see stuff. A lot of people think the opposite. They're like, I got to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. That's nice that you like your family. Yeah. Pretty rare. It's weird.

Yeah, I like them. They're good people. Sometimes I see some fellow comedians that, like, have multiple kids and a wife, and they're just, like, gone always. And I'm like, do you not like them? Right. How's that relationship? Trying to stay away.

Yeah, I judge. I judge. Some people don't judge. I judge. Very much so. But, yeah, go to bradwilliamscomedy.com and uh you you can see my full tour schedule like i said it's pretty much every week i'm out on the road somewhere if i'm not in your town wait i'll be there uh and yeah you can follow me on twitter

at funny brad uh follow me on instagram at brad williams comic if you want to see pictures of the of the asian dwarf baby and the in the pit bull and the ninja wife and all that, go for it. But, yeah. Hey, by the way, great job. Thank you very much. First interview. First interview in the books, baby. I popped your cherry.

It's been so long since I've been able to say that. But, no, you did a great job. You didn't hit the normal comedian tropes of like so when you get started you know dude your friends say you were funny um how do you come up with your material what's your writing process like you didn't hit all those tropes i tried all those all right so that's good this is what a podcast should be. Casual conversation, talking shit, and staring at some good whiskey. I like it. Thank you very much, man.

Thanks, buddy. I ask nothing of you. There's only one thing in this world I ask of you as fans. We don't charge any money. We don't ask a lot at all. We ask this a lot, but they're not listening to us. Well, we ask for voicemails. They do that.

We ask you to follow some accounts. They do that. We ask you to follow some accounts. They do that. I ask you to subscribe to YouTube. You don't do that. I ask you to subscribe on Apple and Spotify and give us a five-star review and leave a review. And you sometimes do that. So please, let's just make this a semi-annual thing

where you make sure that you're subscribed on Apple and on Spotify. Click five stars and leave us a good review. It helps us out tremendously to make sure that you're subscribed on Apple and on Spotify. Click five stars and leave us a good review. It helps us out tremendously to make sure that we can sell more ads at a higher rate and make more money, make the show bigger and better for you to consume for free. All I ask you to do is take two seconds, subscribe, rate, review. Thank you.