KFC Radio - Katherine Blanford Got Too Drunk at Bert Kreischer's Birthday Party Due to Acne Medication - Full Episode

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

Timecode: 02:16 Katherine is hungover 04:04 Katherine got too drunk at Bert Kreischer's birthday party 11:10 The struggle of being an espresso martini drinker 13:42 What's the male equivalent of hair extensions? 26:27 George Bush Was Adorable 29:44 Discussion on ethics and Heaven 38:15 An LA Thanksgiving away from the family 44:21 Becoming the old guy 48:15 Katherine babysatthe same family for 8 years 57:24 Kirk Minihane's Dying Guy 01:04:48 Having money to spend when you don't have kids 01:09:39 It should be assumed that everyone's a little gay +++++++++++++++++++++++++ Presented by Jackpocket: New customers, use code KFC and you’ll get your first ticket free at https://jackpocket.onelink.me/sY17/KFC GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, NY Call 877-8-HOPENY or text HOPENY. 18 or older (19+ in Nebraska, 21+ in Arizona). Void where prohibited. Promo code required for $2 non-withdrawable credit. Prize amount may differ at time of drawing. Terms jackpocket.com/tos/free-ticket-promo/ Gametime: Download the Gametime app today and use code KFC to easily score great deals with the new Gametime Picks! SimpliSafe: Get 50% off any new system with a select professional monitoring plan at https://simplisafe.com/kfcradio Betterhelp: KFC Radio is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/KFC today to get 10% off your first month. Omaha Steaks: Save 50% off sitewide for a limited time at https://OmahaSteaks.com and get an extra $30 off with Promo Code KFC. Express: Find all you need this holiday season at https://www.express.comYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Buongiorno! Me and Pavs are in Italy right now, but on Saturday, December 14th, 7pm and 10pm, we're going gonna be in austin texas or not we paths isn't coming i don't think um but we as in me nick turrani mook chris bader are gonna do stand-up shows in texas december 14th 7 p.m and 10 p.m cap city please come it's fun i think we'll laugh and uh that's it that's the whole thing that's what that's what I got. And I'm stalling because I'm trying to think of how to say goodbye in Italian, and I don't

know the answer to that. So, buongiorno! Arrivederci! It's Arrivederci. I'm pretty sure it's Arrivederci. KFC Radio is brought to you by Jack Pocket. Jack Pocket pulling double duty today. Jack Pocket, if you listen to KFC Radio, you know exactly what it is. It is the lottery apps, lottery tickets right on your phone. It's an app.

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18 or older, 19 plus in Nebraska, 21 plus in Arizona, void where prohibited, promo code required for $2 non-withdrawable credit, prize amount may differ at time of drawings, terms jackpocket.com slash TOS slash free dash ticket dash promo slash. Hospital? I'm in a hospital right now. Oh, God. I think my hair still looks perfect. I'm so sorry. Do you smell me? No. Oh, yes. Is that mic good?

You should be able to just bend it up. How are you guys? Feels like sick. We are good. Just tremendous. What are sick? Yeah. What's sick?

Those. Oh, these? Oh, thanks. Cool. What are they? Filling Pie, these? Oh, thanks. Cool. What are they? Filling Pieces is the brand. Okay. Sounds European.

Yeah, I think they actually are. They're one of those ones like size 44 or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what fucking size they are. I believe they are Dutch. Dutch? Are you serious? I think so.

I think they're from Amsterdam. I mean, I went to the store in Amsterdam. Yeah. I don't know if that's where you got them. I think so. I think they're from Amsterdam. I mean, I went to the store in Amsterdam. I don't know if that's where you got them. I think so. Maybe. You all right? Where were you last night?

I was going to say, let's break it down. Keep talking about Dutch. This is quite the... I mean, because I felt normal for a second. Do you want some water? And then it came back to me. No, no, no. That'll make it worse.

Water will make it worse? Yeah. Dude, I'm like, is this cool to have socks like this? Yes, it is, I think. It is? I wholeheartedly disagree, as you see. But it's like, I'm the old guy. Oh, look at your pale, pale face.

Yeah, I'm the old guy. I think having long socks is lame, but everybody else. It's sick? All the young kids will be like, yeah, it's sick. All right, think having long socks is lame, but everybody else. It's sick? All the young kids will be like, yeah, it's sick. It's sick. Cool, cool, cool. I mean, now you're just drinking again and partying still, you know?

I drink more than I ever have. Really? Really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like more. You've been at Albert a lot? Dude, I did. I went to his birthday party.

Oh, Jesus. And I had just gotten on. I'm, like, reversing in maturity. Like, I'm going backwards. I had just gotten on. Career going up, maturity going down. Oh, it's tanking. I've got a good two weeks left. Should we?

I'm not even going to do this. I'm sorry. Oh, wait. See, this one wasn't me this time. No, it's not. Thank you. Yeah, it's not. Thank you. Yeah, it probably was. Do you guys just live in here?

It's so cozy. Everything in the studio is broken, so it's not your fault. It's so good. Okay, thank you. Yeah, this is a piece of shit. Don't worry. This is like the basement, basically. I love this.

Wait, so you're going backwards. I got... Yeah, yeah. So I went to his birthday party, just chatting, having a great time, had a glass of wine. I did that thing where I brought a glass of wine and I was like, you guys should try this. And they're like, yeah, okay. And I opened it up and I poured myself one. And they're like, I'll have one in a little bit.

Oh, you brought a bottle, you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You brought a bottle? Okay. I brought a bottle as like a gift. Yeah, yeah. I drank the whole thing myself. That was my kind of move.

It was like, I want this want this i'm gonna buy this bottle that i want yeah and then i'm not taking your booze and everyone wins you know what i mean my gift is that i didn't waste your nice stuff yeah yeah yes and i brought my own headache what what where what um i think the worst thing you can do in the world is get a taste for a nice wine because Because I find it very hard to go back. Yeah. You know what I mean? So where are you at?

Like, if you buy a bottle of wine, what's the price point we're talking? Okay. Above 15. Okay. Below 30. I think you can find good bottles at that, like, 25 range, you know? Yeah, but sometimes you're just like, it's 25 because there's a unicorn on it. Yeah.

Totally. You're like, I don 25 because there's a unicorn on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. You're like, I don't know if this is actually nice. But once you start getting the nice shit, I found, I don't know about taste and all that, but I did find that the hangovers were less. Yeah. And then once I got used to that, I was like, I can't go back to like two buck chuck. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I'm like, I wish I didn't even do this because I could have just stayed on that i know i i still have like like i'll go to the the bar

right and i'm like do you guys have red wine and they're like and they like go in the back and they're tinkering and then they come back and they're like like i i still drink that one it's disgusting it's vile. It's like sour. Which is maybe why I feel like this. Oh, I was at Bert's, though, so I was drinking my wine, my his wine, and I forgot. I'd just gotten on a Spirulactone. It's acne medicine.

Does it make you kill yourself? Or did we get past that? is it antidepressant too? no I'm just saying when I was growing up the Accutane was the acne medicine and it made people kill themselves and it was like well but you don't have pimples anymore so we just kept doing it because they're so hot

I've reached peak what else is there to live for now no I don't think I want to kill I'm having the time of my life I have hair extensions so I literally am so happy nothing can hold me back dude it was like I just

got on it though and I this was the first time drinking on it and I didn't even put two and two together I'm like talking second glass of wine all of a sudden I'm like I'm like in a circle with like Whitney and like Fortune and like like talking da da da da da second glass of wine all of a sudden i'm like probably i'm like i'm like in a circle with like whitney and like fortune and like chris porter and i like all of a sudden i can't finish a sentence i literally i was like yeah and then we went and then we went

and then once and they all just kind of dispersed and then i sat the rest of the time just melting on the into the couch and i was like what's going on i must be a lightweight now no it's acne medicine i think that's that's why i i don't really drink much anymore but i could i could drink a lot and i think that's because i i fucking i built my bone or I built my foundation. How much Spirulactone are you on now? I was on it. Like it wasn't Spirulactone. It was some acne medication.

Yeah. And I got out when I was like 16 and I didn't go to back to the doctors for over a decade. But I kept filling out my prescription. I kept taking my medicine. And I went back to the doctors when I was like 27. And they're like, you've been drinking on this shit? Really? Exclusively.

I was like, yeah, I've been drinking on this shit. And they're like, what? Like no on this shit? Really? Exclusively. I was like, yeah, I've been drinking on this shit. And they were like, what? No one told me to stop. No one told. I was only 16 when I got it. So they weren't like, hey, don't drink on this. So like 10 years later, they're like, you have to stop this immediately. Yeah.

Is this why I have no memories? Is this why every day is Groundhog Day? Bro, you were at your peak a machine. Not many people in the world I know. It was like I learned how to play baseball with a fucking donut on my back. Yeah. And then I turned 25 like, yo, you can take the donut off. Did you get off?

Why did someone say it the whole time? Did you keep drinking once you got off of it? Oh, yeah. And it was like even better? Yeah. Yeah, it the whole time? Did you keep drinking once you got off of it? Oh, yeah. And it was, like, even better? Yeah. Yeah, it was awesome. Wow. Drink is great.

Wow. And then why did you stop drinking? I, like, all of the reasons. But I also didn't stop. Like, I don't, I, like, I have, I drink normally now. Like, if I told a doc, I told my doctor, I was like, yeah, I don't really drink anymore. And they're like, so never? And I was like, well, I have a couple beers. And they were like, okay, that's what a normal person does. Like, if I told a doc, I told my doctor, I was like, I don't really drink anymore. And they're like, so never? And I was like,

well, I have a couple beers. And they were like, okay, that's what a normal person does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, so you drink. Oh, yeah. But like,

compared to what I used to, like, I don't. You're not taking shots of whiskey. No, right. Shots of, like, well whiskey. At 9 a.m. Yeah. Whoa!

What are you, really? No, occasionally. If I had a bad hangover. Well, it wasn't a shot. It was just, like, from the bottle. It was like some true hair of the dog shit. Yeah, yeah, occasionally. If I had a bad hangover. Well, it wasn't a shot. It was just like from the bottle. It was like some true hair of the dog shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

That's making me gag just thinking about it. That's so far gone for me. Really? Like the thought of doing a shot in the morning would be like, what? I didn't do it for like years. Now you're back. Yeah. It's fun.

You're fine, dude. It's winter. You know? It's winter.'re finding It's winter You know It's winter It's cold You know So red wine Is your

Red wine And now And this is very new Whiskey ginger Is that gross So you're gonna get drunk And get all the sugar No whiskey ginger is good

No That's the worst bro Really I don't drink it a lot I was a straight I was talking about the other day with someone like we were somewhere give me the chills thinking about these things oh it was fucking the other night and and someone was having like a coffee whiskey and i was like i

guess i'm old or whatever but like i just like the taste of alcohol i liked whiskey i like vodka i like like i don't i don't want like a peanut butter flavor i don't want like just fucking make it taste like you you want it You want it neat. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So you have demons. I'm here to have a good time. I'm sipping my little juice, my little naughty juice. No, you want it fucking,

I want to feel it. I want to fucking feel that burn. Oh, you want burn. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have demons. Yeah. The only thing,

I've been drinking them forever and now they're so popular, but I've been drinking espresso martinis for as long as I can remember and that's the only thing I've been drinking them forever and now they're so popular but i've been drinking espresso martinis for as long as i can remember and that's the only thing i still really enjoy drinking really when you order it do you physically feel the bartender's eyes roll so i used to so this is this is like like i feel like it is so popular now that i'm like you don't know what it was like in the trenches like 10 years ago. Because it used to be like either, it was not can I have one? It was like, do you make them?

Yeah. And you would apologize. Is there even a possibility in this place? Yes. Yeah. And then I would be like, do me a favor, make, because I know you got to go to the espresso machine and shit, make like five martinis worth. Like I don't want you going back and forth.

So just make a shit ton of espresso and then, you know, then it's at least half the battle is, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like, yes, it was, I always felt like an asshole. I always had to ask. I had a plan. I had a, you know, I had to tell people how to make it half the time if they wanted to. And now I feel like it's, you can get it at like a fucking dive bar watching football.

Yeah. It used to be like at a wine bar, at a martini bar, you can get it. Very nice. Now it's like, and maybe at a casual place. Now I feel like it's everywhere. They have the, it's like already mixed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like ready to go.

Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, this is what happens when you take away our four loco. We gonna find a way. Yeah, yeah. Life finds a way. I reached a point too, talking about asshole, like roll your eyes. Then I reached a point where I was drinking decaf espresso martinis because I would

have like seven of them and I would be like, because I would have like fucking seven shots of espresso with me in like, you know, an hour and a half or whatever I was drinking. So I would wake up like, not even a hangover, like a, and I was like, what's going on? It's like, oh, you have like, you know,

an eight ball running through your fucking veins, you know what I mean? So then I would be like, I still want these espresso's like, oh, you have like, you know, an eight ball running through your fucking veins. You know what I mean? So then I would be like, I still want these reservoirs. Do you have decaf? And they're like, just go home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop.

Just fucking stop. You don't want to drink. And they're like, at that, you know, I was young drinking them, so they're expensive. Yes. But they're very tasty. I like them. They're very good. And they are like a, you know, upper. Like. But they're very tasty. I like them. They're very good.

And they are like a, you know, upper. Like it does keep your night going. It feels like you're having a milkshake. Yeah, there's that too. And like,

and I need a little pick me up when I'm at the bar. Like if I'm out drinking, I'm old, I'm tired. I probably don't want to be here. Let me, you know,

get it going. I think that you're just, I should just go home. Yeah yeah i don't think you you want to be out yeah facts you are absolutely accurate 100 i want to be like you i really do i thought i was you for a second no and then and then i got single and i got hair extensions and it's like I'm a teenager for the first time. I'm like, this is like, I'm getting free shit. What's the male equivalent of hair extensions? Male equivalent of hair extensions?

Like having nice clothing or something? No. Oh, I got it. A dude who's like like, 30s. So, like, they've lived a whole life kind of chunky. Just recently jacked. But, like, that's hard to achieve. Whereas, like, you can just get hair extensions once you have the money for it.

You know what I mean? Is there something a guy can just, like, do once he makes it, per se? I guess, I don't know. Like, maybe actually get hair. Like, hair plugs or what? Hems or whatever? We just had a whole crew of guys go over to Turkey and get their hair transplant. Really?

Like six guys and they linked up with like ten. I didn't know they linked up with a bunch of fans. Yeah. It was like ten fans of the website that all went together. And they all – but what was very funny is you have to shave your head before they do the transplant. Yeah, because they got to like – I don't know, they got to implant them. So they need to like get to your scalp. And all these guys shaved their heads for the first time.

And they all looked great with their head shaved. It was like, you don't need to do this. You look fine. You look pretty good with a shaved head. Like, there's your answer, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. When they get them put in, is it actual hair?

They take it from like here where you still have it. And they literally take like follicles and they go one by one by one by one and is there an awkward stage where it's just like itty bitty little right now they you know the pictures they were putting up were like they had bald heads with like marker drawn on it you know is that one of them that's one of them yeah yeah he looks he looks like a like a sports analysis okay. Okay, show White Sox Dave. Jackie has a crush on this guy, White Sox Dave. This one? Yes, she has a crush on him.

Now, but, like, Google, like, a picture of him prior to this. Because, like, there, like, he looks, you know, kind of like a badass and kind of like a normal guy. Before that, he had, like, this, like, five strands of hair, like, combed over, and it was just like, ugh. Gross. Like him? Right? That's the same guy? Yes just like, ugh. Gross. Like him? Right?

That's the same guy? Yes. No, it's not. Right? Dude, that looks like the black stuff in Spider-Man got a hold of him and he turned into the villain. Right? That's crazy. I think the lesson here is to all the people

out there who want to get their hair plugs, just shave your head first. And see if it works. And that sucks. Because he looks good there. Totally. Jackie wants to have sex with him. Is that him in the red? Yes.

The background right there? That's him back in college. No, no. One down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at that one. That is our White Sox Dave. That is him.

Yeah, no. That looks like he's redshirted eight times. And they're like, bro, you should just move on. You're going to be a car salesman. Stop hanging on to this football dream. Your eyes have already hired you. Waiting with open arms. What happens if, like, all these guys that get hair transplants in Turkey,

all of a sudden, like, in, like, two years, their brains, like, brains rewire and they all turn into a Turkish army. I was thinking that if there was a way to trick the world. It gets pretty close to your brain. And they just have control of you. I'm trying to think of the crew who went over there.

I don't know for sure but I feel like there's at least one, maybe two guys in that crew who didn't get the shot because they were like I don't want for sure but I feel like there's at least one maybe two guys in that crew who didn't get the shot because they were like I don't want the government tracking me and then they're like I'm going to Turkey and getting a look in there baby

they're going to be little Turkish soldiers in two years I don't put anything in my body that I don't know what it is Turkish doctor I'll be there tomorrow just to be clear my flight

my food and my surgery are all on the same bill, right? Cool. Let's go. Cool. This is a good idea. Sick, dude. Loopholes, man. I found out about this on Reddit.

I really do think, though. It's so funny. I never knew. Put that together until you said that. He looks very anti-vaccine right there. Look at his suspicious eyes. I think it'll reach a point where like, oh, that's a classic one. Is that him?

So one time when he first started here, he got offered to do some television, like local Chicago sports thing. And he was chewing gum while he was doing it. And his hair was like, oh, it was the best. Is that him? Is that his chewing gum? He was on camera with Walter Payton's son, like Chicago legend. His son was, like, doing the thing, and it was, like, his first time ever, and he's chewing gum, and his hair is, like, wet and combed over,

and he delivered one of the greatest lines ever. We were like, you look like a bag of shit, and he goes, I took a shower, and it just didn't take. Just the shower didn't take. He just, this fucking piece of gum just was battling him. He looks like me at 4 a.m. last night or this morning. That's one of the funniest. He looks like he's pitching a new business venture.

He's got the iPad on his thing. What is that? But then now flip back. He shaves his head and he's like fucking Walter White in Breaking Bad. He's like the badass, you know? Hey, that's not the same person. Crazy. Yeah. It's crazy.

That's the same guy? That's the same fucking guy. Dude, he... So a guy getting hair extensions, the equivalent might be shaving his head. Actually, you know what it is too? The beard. It's the beard. That's the answer.

If you can grow a good beard, I think that's probably the equivalent of hair extensions, the equivalent might be shaving his head. Actually, you know what it is too? It's the beard. Yeah. That's the answer. It's the beard. If you can grow a good beard, I think that's probably the equivalent of hair extensions. Right. It's like your double chin's a little bit hidden. Yeah. If you can grow a good one. And it's like, oh, okay, you look older, more distinguished, whatever. Game time is focused on togetherness this holiday season.

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Facial hair is uh like i've i've like liked a guy before and then they've shaved their face and i'm like totally i'm totally different i'll never talk to you again even if you grow a beard back again i i saw i saw what was under there and i have to move on pull up taylor lawn completely transformed yeah but he's just hot as shit. Yeah, but he looks good still. But I don't think I would have known it was him had I not just saw what was going on. Yeah.

I think if you just showed me a picture of that, I'd be like, who is that guy? A beard for a guy that's a put-on-toe. It was just a mustache, though. Just a mustache from that. That's him without it? Yep. Wait, is this a football? Yeah, he's retired now. That's him with it? Yep Wait is this a football Yeah he's retired now but

That's him with it? Yeah And prior So go like four pictures over That one yeah So that's what After he retired He lost some weight

But he had that mustache And it like I think both of those guys The loser had to shave their mustache And he lost And that's him now? That's him on the right But with

Like a week ago Where he had his mustache's him on the right with like a week ago where he had his mustache. And then that picture we just saw a second ago was him without it. Oh, he looks... That one. He looks so much better with the mustache, right? Yeah, yeah.

Am I... But he's very handsome either way. I think he looks good no matter what. You'll look. But I think, yeah, I think his mustache was like... Dude. Worked well for him. Yeah, the mustache is like...

Mustache made a comeback, I feel like. A mustache is so hot. I feel like that was a Burt Reynolds fucking back in the day thing. And then I think it took a break for the beard and the goatee. And now I think mustache is back heavy. Mustache is back because it's like... It's like kind of... You're like a smug kind of like...

I know you're a little bit of an asshole. If you have a mustache. There it is. Yeah, and I'm like this. I of like, I know you're a little bit of an asshole. If you have a mustache. There it is. Yeah, and I'm like this. I'm like, I hate that I like you. That's what you want to say to a mustache guy. You're like, you son of a bitch, you got me. Damn it.

We were just talking about it. The best thing a girl can say about a guy is like, he's such an asshole. Yes. That's what you want as a guy. That's the guy that you talk to your friend and you call them the next day and you're like, yes. That's what you want as a guy. That's the guy that you talk to your friend, and you call them the next day, and you're like, damn it. Yeah.

I went home with Kleiner-ance again. I like a mustache, but see how skinny he looks with that mustache? You think the mustache makes him look skinnier? Yeah. Is that good or bad? I think it's good Good? Yeah

Yeah, I think so He looks so much thinner than he did when he was like Well, when he was playing football He was like probably 100 pounds heavier I was going to say, he's lost like 100 pounds Yeah, because he's no longer an NFL lineman That also looks like a different person That looks like a jacked Nick Offerman

He's got a great head of hair though, he really does God, that's a blessed individual He also looks like a different person. That looks like a jacked Nick Offerman. He's got a great head of hair, though. He really does. God, that's a blessed individual. Yeah, he made probably $100 million. Does he have a beautiful wife? Yes, he does. And her name is Taylin LeJuan.

Is this the bus and... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, I met them. That's the same guy? Yeah, but he's in college. That's 15 years, I met them. That's the same guy? Yeah. But he's in college. That's 15 years ago. Dude, that is not the same dude.

Yeah. You know what I mean? When you're in college playing football, you just look like a fucking idiot. It's like, oh, I can figure out how to get a haircut and grow a beard and all that shit. Guys can reverse and age. It's so great. It's such a blessing. It's like, it really is so nice to just be like, not worried about aging.

I mean, you have to worry about it, but like not worry about it. No, because guys can be – you can be hotter with age. Get a little salt and pepper. I actually feel like too like I think you reach – like Tom Hanks was talking recently. He's like 65 now or something like that. Yeah. And he was like 35 was like the worst time. He was like, I hated it.

I didn't like – I don't know, whatever his explanation was. And I feel like with guys, like, here's what I've been working on. I feel like when you're in your 20s, you like party. And then you're in your 30s and you like stop partying because you're like, I'm done. Like, I've done too much. But then I think you hit like 40 and you're like, I haven't done anything in a decade. And you start to do shit again. Yeah, and you do drugs. So then I think. You start 40 and you're like I haven't done anything in a decade and you start to do shit again yeah and you do so and I think you start to do like mushrooms and stuff yeah

I think like even you start to like I mean I'm not a gym guy by any means but even I am like I can't I'm doing nothing for like a you know what I mean like I'm gonna eventually try to like do some sort of exercise yeah I think people pick it back up as guys and then you get you hit like your late 40s mid 40s into like your 50s and 60s you actually might be literally better looking you're literally better looking and like you can you put on a sweater you know what I mean and you're and people are just like god you're adorable are you kidding me swim done yeah you guys like dress up it's right right away it's makeup it's hair it's nails it's dresses high heels it's like that's we know like that's your hottest right away i know for us it's like we keep that kind of tucked because we're stupid for like yeah you

wear like giant t-shirts with the pocket in the front for 20 years she still fucked me no it's only a little bit ripped it's only just ripped a little bit in the front for 20 years. Because she still fucked me. Right, right. And you're like, no, it's only a little bit ripped. It's only just ripped a little bit in the very front. And only one of my nipples is showing. And then you just put on a sweater, and you're like... Transformed. You're so... Yeah, dude.

This is... Politics aside, this is not... My favorite disclaimer these days. This is not. Not to get political, but. But I'm saying this is what it's like, like men, the older they get, the more attractive they are. One of my first crushes as a child was George Bush.

I can see that. You can say. I can see that for sure. Just take whatever you believe. Just take that aside. Look at this man. There's a video of him shaking his booty a little bit. He is an adorable man.

He's had a nice little PR switch up from war criminal to you're so cute. Yeah. I know. He's cute. Early 2000s was like, you started a war for no reason and tons of people die. Now it's like, have you seen his painting? Right? He gives Michelle Obama candy.

I was a George W. guy even in office. You gotta love W. When he threw the first pitch at the World Series, it was like, this guy's the fucking, he's the man. See him in the blue shirt right there? He shakes his little booty.

Guys, swoon. And he doesn't even have a fit body, but something about it. You know why, too? I think he did a good job of, aside from this here and maybe a couple little things in the spotlight, he disappeared. He wasn't in your face talking about his politics. You weren't really remembering. It's like, were there weapons of mass destruction? I don't think there were.

I don't know. Whatever. He kind of faded off, and it's like, I'll just come back 20 years from now. His daughter became the host of a morning show. Yep, yep. Did she? Yes. Jenna Hager Bush, right? Yeah.

The Bush twins are both good-looking girls, and I think out there, it's a good PR story. You should study him. I i know we i mean remember when he did that fool me once thing dude it's in a it's in a rap song it's in a j cole song yeah it's like the intro here it is he goes fool me once shame on me or shame on you fool me twice hey you can't get fooled again. Great. So good. You know what he, okay, he's essential like that friend's dad.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You go over to his house and you're like, G-man! You know? And you're like, he's a little problematic, but he's our friend's dad. You probably shouldn't say that. touch us but yeah what's up man he's that also like i uh politics again aside like this kind of feels like the end of when he was president the end of kind of when it was okay the world was gonna say there was was some problems there, but I think we didn't know how good we had it. The good old days.

You don't know the good times when you're in them. It kind of still felt like, and maybe because I was growing up at this time. It's probably that. You look at him, and I'm like, I imagine riding my bike around a cul-de-sac. People are going to hate this. I'm going to get in so much trouble. I think the people who opposed the Iraq war might have something to say differently. But all those people aside, he's kind of your goofy uncle.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm screwed. Anyways. It really is, though. It's all just like PR. It really is. It's like, did you do it right or do it wrong? Yeah, for sure.

Or did you do it wrong so good you did it right because that's kind of where i feel like we're in right now it's also like i've just convinced that this script is already written and they're all like effing with us and you know what i mean like they're like this is we already have the next 12 years of politics planned out by the way or maybe we're in a simulation i don't know yeah and you just go get your hair plugs or don't just shave your head and just be like fuck it i i had um an interesting not interesting but i had a high thought the other night because we talked about the simulation i i think that that's a possibility i have another one of my favorite theories i'll say after this

but we were talking about how basically it's just another religion it's your religion is simulation versus whatever it is there's someone else who's in control you are not in control your own body whatever like all that stuff but then i was thinking more about religion and i was thinking about heaven again i don't tie um but what was the name of this strand but i was like what if when you get to heaven the barrier of entry was only based on your morals of the time? So you think nowadays, you're like, oh, only good people get into heaven. But a good person 400 years ago was really fucking different. A good person owned slaves back in the day.

That is how heaven works. So I'm going to get there and there's going to be slave owners in prison? In heaven? Yo, you're like, I beheaded my wife. Yeah. But it was allowed. Because I saw her looking at another man. And that's not allowed.

So all those people are in heaven. I kind of think so. Then I don't have any interest in heaven. I think you get the Heisman, you get the boot from heaven if you knowingly. But the rules have been the same the whole time. No, they haven't. No, they have have not if we're talking about the bible and you have to also say kind of i mean but no one's updated the bible like old old testament bible is like you know they're slaves and shit like that but yeah that's what i mean so like that all gets you into heaven

still but also you have to say like your background your your upbringing has a lot to do with it because what if you had like a good really good parent that was like hey do you see how that hurts that kid's feelings and you're like yeah and they're like maybe you shouldn't do or say that to them because that hurts them you would be like i understand that now i'm not going to do something to hurt them but what if you have a parent that's just like beat their ass you pussy in your head you're not like thinking about consequences as much as the other person because you didn't have the same upbringing right so you might be like as easy as terms like a meaner person but because you don't have the same conscious conscience that uh like somebody else has so is that a more bad person yeah yeah

people with bad parents should not get into heaven, for sure. I'm screwed. I'm fighting for myself here. Let's say you're dead. You live in the South. Hypothetically speaking, I feel like you don't get into heaven if you are knowingly, consciously a bad person. Yeah. It's a pretty gray area, but I feel, I feel like the big G-man...

But I think a lot of bad people... Like, did you know what you were doing? Like, dude, people back in the day, they stoned people to death in the name of God. Well, those guys get extra into heaven. Do you think so? You stoned someone to death for me. You get the VIP, bro.

No, I mean, yeah, like, there's, you know, terrorists think that they're doing the right thing. Yeah. So then heaven is not a place you want to be. Heaven's full of really bad people. Well, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's so strict that maybe you're not getting in. Oh, I shouldn't get in.

Heaven's one of those clubs. If I'm in, I don't want to be in. Yeah. I like to just think because i think this is the most fun is reincarnation and you just get brought back into whatever like being that you treated the worst or the best okay what being would you be brought back as then me probably like a rescue. That's when you've treated the worst? Oh, no. I was like,

what is this girl doing? Or good, or good. I had that. My parents had that donkey. They used to make me beat their shit on it every night. I've had sex

with a lot of donkeys. Don't knock it until you try it. Yes, the hee-haw turns me on. It's my gig. So you were good to rescue donkeys. I've donated a lot via Instagram to rescue donkey charities.

But I feel like if you're somebody that the minute you see a bug in your house and you kill it, I don't. I save them. You're going to come back as a beetle. I said that recently. When you're a kid and you kill insects and stuff like that, it's whatever. But if you're killing insects as an adult, you're a little twisted. Dude, you're so twisted. And it's so fun.

It's a fun thing. You get. It depends on what. There's a spider running around my house. No, they're good. The spiders. I know. They eat the other bugs.

I know. I know. But it's also a fucking spider. Have you seen Honey,'s like a spider running around my house. No, they're good. The spiders. I know. They eat the other bugs. I know. I know. But it's also a fucking spider. Have you seen Honey, I Shrunk the Kids? Yeah. With the daddy long leg? Yeah, I know. You're not wrong, but it's also a fucking creepy spider. I don't even kill.

I don't even kill. I don't set him free either. I'm just like, he's hanging out over there. Yeah, just leave it. I think you mums are just kind of what they say. What? I was going to say, that's just, you're just leaving. Yeah.

Oh, for sure. For sure. If it was within arm's reach, you'd kill it. It's not even. It's over there, you're good. No, I do. That spider. For sure. If it was within arm's reach, you'd kill it. It's not even... It's over there, you're good. No, I do... That spider's lucky

he's on the other side of the room. Otherwise, I'd be bringing the pain. I imagine. You bring a girl home and there's spiderwebs everywhere and you're like, I'm a vegan. What's up?

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash KFC. How was your Thanksgiving? Oh, dude, I I'm in L.A. now. I stayed in L.A. because I had to fly to Albany. Albany? Is that how you say it? The next day.

Everybody wants to do Albany Thanksgiving weekend. I won the game um but i stayed in town for the first time like didn't go back to kentucky didn't do family stuff dude it was so dope it's so dope i went i saw gladiator with my roommate nicole and ian edwards and then i went to like three friends givings brought wine and like a pie and didn't have like any family drama dude that's the worst part once once you have to go once you have kids family all that shit it's like not only is this no longer fun this is like i actively dread it yeah i'm like oh it's the

christmas season oh fuck i gotta do oh the christmas season like a thousand like i still i still automatically go like oh christmas. And then I remember like who I am and what my life is. And I'm like, this sucks. Yeah. Oh, dude, this is like freedom. The amount of like, we got to go here,

we got to go there. You got to do this, you got to do that. If you just, I'm not doing it. The best Thanksgiving I had is COVID. And I like my family. I have fun when I go home.

But it was still a different level. Like 2020, we didn't leave. We just stayed and had like Friendsgiving and all that stuff. And I was like, this is the most fun weekend I've ever had in my life. Which is which is like how how i feel like holidays when they started were that it's like fun it was fun and then somehow it became i guess you just got you

do it with your family over and over again and it's like well we got to go see nana and we got to see aunt uncle this and we got to bring the kids and i think in the beginning holidays were awesome um yeah but i'm also like when it's kind of like you go through all the phases. Like my 20s, they were awesome. I'm in my 30s now. And now like my relatives, like when I was younger, my grandparents were old and weird. And they just were old and weird my whole life. I never knew them as anything other than like old and a little weird. But now I'm seeing the transitions of like my aunts and uncles.

And like you're kind of just sitting there like, what are these fucking jeans do I have? Oh, yeah, yeah. You're like, uh-oh. Uh-oh. It's the Christmas future. Uncle Billy's been on Facebook too long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're starting to, like, their opinions are getting darker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's getting weird and old. You're like, what the fuck? I didn't realize you were this fucking weird, dude. What the hell? And it's going to happen. It's going to didn't realize you were this fucking weird, dude. What the hell? And it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen to you too. But you're right,

like just watching it, it's like, oh, I used to be able to like have lucid conversations with you and not anymore. Yeah. Now you are,

you are insufferable. I'm gonna stay away from you. And they're like looking at you like you're kind of, do they look down on you at all? They're like, you're like wondering like,

does he have my genes? Is it coming this way? And then like your aunt's in the corner with a bottle of wine like, is it coming my way? She's like,'s in the corner with a bottle of wine. Is he coming my way? She's like, I want to go there. I want to go there.

Whatever you guys have, I'm infected with it. I just don't know which one I have. You're just choosing who you want to be when you evolve into that one? Yeah. Choose your own adventure. You have two paths. Right? I go there.

The saddest thing for me, this is really messed up, is when you start seeing your aunts and uncles get older. Is that a weird thing? You don't see them for like a year, and you come back and you're like, oh, no. What happened? No, you're great. You're slow.

I'm doing that with my friends. I'm like, what the fuck happened to you in the last year, dude? It's so sad. You're 50, man. 30s, 40s is a time where 30s is weird. You could be like either partying and shit. You could be equal. I have friends who are party animals and people who have kids and settle down.

And then I feel like late 30s into 40s, it's like I still look kind of young, like dress kind of young, whatever. And then like I've got the balding ring. I wear dad clothes I'm like fat and I became a dad yeah and it's like

boom boom overnight which one did you choose kind of thing I don't even know if it's a choose or if it just happens to you I don't know

I don't know what it is I think it just happens it just happens all of a sudden like I mean there was there was an employee here we'll bleep that out

but there was a guy who I saw a picture of him. I was like, oh, he's not going to say it. And you immediately said it. He was like this. He was just like, I remember he used to stand like this. He was fat. And I saw a picture of him when he was young. And I was like, no fucking way.

I would have just thought you were kind of like a fat guy forever. Forever. No, you got like this. Yeah. That's crazy it's like i guess i don't know no you're still doing no you're doing great i mean i haven't seen like 10 years ago picture so if you were like ken back then i'd be like no but like yeah i'm just worried that like what maybe it goes quick you know it's like no it's a mindset you

think so it's a mindset and i think it's like you've some dark things has happened to you and when you start to let go like that i would agree with you i think it is a mindset i think very much you you let it go you let it in yeah yeah or or just like you're like and and this is also like kind of freeing you're like i, I have a family. I have somebody that loves me, whatever. I don't have to try this hard anymore. Maybe you're the losers. You're going out and buying hip stuff and worried what you look like, everything else. You're still doing a full sprint.

I already crossed the finish line. There's a fine line between giving up and I don't try too hard. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't mean to. I think either extreme is lame. If you're trying too hard, you're lame. If you just don't give a fuck about anything, you're kind of lame too.

But there is something to be said for like, yeah, I don't need to like, I have a hairy back, I don't care because my wife says she likes it or whatever. You know what I mean? But I do think that's like a slow boil where all of a sudden you're like, okay, we're both disgusting now.

You're so gross. Now we do, we don't like each other anymore and we are gross. You know what I mean? That's when – Like it's a slippery slope. Right, right. But that first level of like, yeah, I don't need to – I feel like that especially if you're a girl and it's like, I'm not fucking wearing high heels and like injecting my face. Doing all this shit that like sucks, objectively sucks.

Yes. Except it doesn't except when you start getting it you're like holy shit I should have been doing this the whole time

this is the secret right here don't read that book The Secret it's called Hair Extensions and Botox that's the true secret

to happiness Botox I feel like gets talked about like the way you know did you get your nails done at least around here did you get your Botox did you get your Botox like it's not, gets talked about like the way, you know, did you get your nails done? At least around here. Did you get your Botox?

Did you get your Botox? Like it's not a secret anymore. It's like, yeah. Guys don't even like – guys, I feel like, think when you get Botox, it's like you're going to look like a lizard lady. Yeah. And I'm like it is like getting your nails done now. Like it's like a – it's part of the regimen. But like that is a little crazy, right?

It's like we're injecting our face with poison. It's just part of the routine now. I don't think it can, right? It's like we're injecting our face with poison. It's just part of the routine now. I don't think it can be good for you. I don't give a rat's ass. This is a damn simulation. I'm coming back as a freaking beetle. I don't give a shit. I'm going to look hot as shit for as long as I can. You don't think that we might have a generation when you guys get older

where it's like, oh, yeah, all of the poison pooled in the bottom of your face and you all look like monsters now? Yeah, but I'm going gonna look like that at that point anyways whether i do botox or not you're gonna be ugly no matter what so be hot now it's so ugly is inevitable that's always like the funniest argument against like tattoos like they're gonna look dumb when you look older like what the fuck do i look rad right now yeah well that's that's my whole thing about life in general is like we – if you have kids and shit, like I know people who had kids quick, had kids early. And they're like, I'm going to be done, you know. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, but you're going to be like 60.

Yeah. Like you're done sooner than me, but like you're still old. And like you give up like your 30s, your 40s, the rest of your youth to like be a dad. It's like congratulations, you have an empty nest. But you're old now and you don't get to enjoy. I guess you get to travel maybe. But you know what I mean? It's like do the fun stuff when you're young to be able to enjoy it.

Yes, because now you hurt. You ache. No matter what, you're either a little bit uglier, a little bit older, a little bit lamer. Okay, great, you can go out. I don't want to go out anymore. You know what I mean? Exactly. And then you just want your kids to visit anyways right right yeah that's the fucking

the rub is like oh great uh they're not around anymore i wish they were right and when you have them and they're like they're like driving you crazy everyone's always like cherish these times i hate that's my biggest fucking pet peeve in the fucking world the other day i said my my kids are my daughter's turning nine and my son just turned seven. We're kind of right on that border with Santa, right? Oh, yeah.

For both of them? Well, probably more so her. But they're like kind of twins. They're so close in age, like a year and a half. They're kind of like Irish twins almost that it's like, if one found out the other one,

I don't even think of them as like different ages. They're so close, you know? But we do Elf on the Shelf, shelf you know that whole thing and we we go hard for elf on the shelf we start it right after thanksgiving so it's a full month especially for this early thanksgiving there's like six weeks of it and we do um you have to write a letter every night too like a lot of people just like put it in one spot they're like santa's watching behave yourself we move it of people just like put it in one spot. They're like, Santa's watching. Behave yourself.

We move it around the house. We put it in like different scenarios. Like I'll rip open the marshmallow bag and be like, oh, look, they got in the marshmallows. Yeah. And we write fucking jokes. We write poems. We write letters. And in the beginning, it was cute.

And now I'm like, fuck this shit. Yeah. And I'm divorced, so I only have them a few times. So you have to go all out when it's your time yes and so she does it like four times a week I'm doing it two three times a week and it's like and I was thinking that like who you know I still want

there to be the magic of Christmas but like maybe we don't do Elf on the Shelf and like as soon as Thanksgiving hit they're like the elf's gonna be here soon and I was like fuck man so I was tweeting about that and the amount of people who were like oh you're like a Grinch. And like, oh, you're a bad dad. And oh, you're going to regret this.

And oh, like one day you're going to want this back. I'm like, yeah, I fucking know, man. But right now, I don't want to write a millionth letter. I'm all out of jokes. I'm all out of Christmas puns. We've been doing this for a decade. I don't want to do it anymore. Yes, I know one day I'm going to be like, oh, I wish my kids were here.

Right now, just fucking commiserate with me let me vent it's a it's you know what i mean it's like dude i just for nannying for like eight years it's like i i like i don't want to have children now because i nannied for eight years like i i know imagine nannying but you don't get to give them back i i it literally like it's it's it's mind numbing, like dealing with like two brains. You know what I tell? Like, that's what I say to my friends who are like having kids.

Now I, I said, I, I raised like a family pretty much. I mean, they're, they had great parents. I didn't, but no,

but like you do a lot of the work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And like started working parents. Yes, for sure. Chunk of the day.

It's your job. I truly have PTSD from it. Like, especially when there was like three young ones under four like i i truly think i have like trauma trauma um what did i get paid it was some probably averaged out to like i was in atlanta maybe like anywhere anywhere between 25 to 32 an hour. Does that seem normal? Well, my point being that if you went to that family and you were like, it's $100 an hour starting tomorrow, I think they'd be like, okay. I don't know what –

I can't raise these three fucking kids. I think so because I wasn't a nice person. I wasn't a good nanny. I was always like, why – because she's such a good mom. I was like, why't a good nanny and i was always like why because she's such a good mom i was like why do you keep me around like you know i'm not great i like don't well because though there was probably at least a chunk of hours where she was like go to the have at it yeah yeah i mean i we have an amazing nanny and like she could she could be like you need to my salary is now 10x, and I'd be like, okay.

Okay, I'll figure it out. I'll get another job. I mean, they get to a point where like maybe with school and stuff, but like in the early years where it's like all day, every day, 24-hour thing, name your price. It's a great episode of 30 Rock. Yeah? Jack Donaghy realizes that having something he cares about personally is a negative in negotiations.

Because his baby's nanny, this Jamaican woman, is like basically this. She's like, my salary's doubled now. And he's like, all right, then leave. And she goes, all right, then go get the baby. And he's like, wait, don't leave. And so he starts using her negotiation tactic. So he's in NBC boardrooms peeling oranges, talking in a Jamaican accent. So what you want to do?

It's unbelievable. Okay, you go ship your own boxes now. That's so funny and it's harder now than it ever was because we have the internet and they let us know how you can f up your kid by not paying attention to them by not listening to their feelings by ignoring them for eight hours a day because you went to work and your your kids just eat ho-hos and watch trl all day. So now you get the guilt from it. The rain cameras and shit. They're watching you.

So you have to pay attention to them now. And there's more pressure than ever. Yeah, I feel like if you were a nanny in the 90s, it was like, go home. Make sure you're home when your parents get home. Do whatever you want. There was one nanny for 10 kids on the block. Right, right.

Now it's like, write like every did they go to the bathroom and did they read books and did they how much screen time and yeah my friends who are some of them are on their third kid and i'm like what what are you doing are you have you turned on the news have you turned on the news have you checked checked your bank account? I'll tell you what the craziest thing is. Have you checked your bank account? The pregnancy amnesia that goes on. My sister was like, I am one and done. Pregnancy was terrible. Delivery was terrible.

I had postpartum. I was suicidal. The baby had colic. Everything hit her. Worst case scenario for everything. I was not glowing. I did not like it you know what I mean

and I don't know my niece is like a year old and she's talking about another one and it's like what

I took you know you swore this off and then a couple like a little bit goes by and you're like although she did admit she was like

I just want my kid to have a sibling she's like I don't want to do this again but even that I'm like you are selfless as fuck because you could just have an only child and give them all the attention and all the money and all the everything.

That'd probably be, you know, yeah, siblings are cool, but you know what's cooler? Like PlayStation 5. Yes. You know what I mean? Do you think we should just encourage people? Because I say this as a joke, but then I really genuinely believe it.

I'm like, I don't have kids because I have a budding career they're famous huge um but like i have like i have other things to like reach you know goals ambitions do you think people at a certain age they just are like yeah i kind of tapped out on ambitions i found my job i clock out at 5 what's the next thing to do with kids I'm like let's encourage hobbies and activities and stop having three children

you know what I mean like let's have people let's all have side gigs let's all have side hustles and cause I'm just like we have too many people

you know there are so many people but also if you have kids you should be forced to have more than one you think everyone who has one kid you to have more than one. You think? Everyone who has one kid, you're like, you were one kid.

Really? There is a little stigma to only child. But I'm saying, I think if you do it, if it's like, I know I didn't give you a sibling, so I'm going to give you everything else, it might be awesome. But I mean, once you're done being a kid, when you're an adult, and every time I've heard about an only child i was like yeah like they're you mean like they're an asshole yeah i'm like i knew you were an only but don't you think they're like i'm an only child i'm not i would have been shocked i'm sitting on this on this couch hung over in my mid-30s right now my parents didn't give a shit

about me because their resources were strained Because there's three of us What you know you gotta do is either You gotta have like ten Because then it's like You raise You raise each other You raise your siblings Yes

It's when you get in I mean what do you have Four I'm one of four You have four Yeah Why He doesn't have any

He's one of four His family has four Why Only because my dad got testicular cancer I was gonna be more It was gonna be like I think six was what they wanted. Wait, didn't we find out that was a lie? Well, Nimesh Patel, he's got testicular cancer, and he's like, I can have kids still.

We think that his dad lied. He was like, I had testicular cancer. We can't have any more kids. Sorry. And same day, you had the lie. Why are you giving him a sex to me, dad? You have kids. Yeah, and thank God he did.

If you had more children, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be in Idaho working, not that it's bad, but in a factory or something. Well, that's why people had so many kids. They needed a factory. Half of them were going to die. Yeah, yeah. You need to die and be 10 years old working the fields. Farm the fields, yeah.

But that, I think, is probably changing literally as we speak right now because I cannot fathom how much money like i do pretty goddamn well and i'm like shit these kids are expensive and i have two like if you have if i had to double that all the all the regular expenses but then all the activities and all of the if you're gonna pay for the weddings we're gonna pay for the college if you're gonna do like all that shit the travel the vacations it's like in this economy in this economy four yes three you're crazy genuine i think if i was president this is gonna sound really dark and harsh i would put a max of two children uh on every family and also uh once you hit 75 if you're ready to go you can go

we're very big proponents of that here why are we making you stick around yeah you know that um the suicide pods in switzerland they made they it's like assisted suicide you go to this clinic they put you in this pod it looks like something out of like superman like a little spaceship pod and they push a button and it like shoots um nitrogen into the air like sucks the oxygen out and you just like pass out and go to sleep. That dude is getting sued because like the first person that did it, there's footage of it. And he's like looking at the thing and he's like, Peter, I think she's still alive. I think she's still alive.

And like it didn't work right away. And then they found strangle marks on her neck. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Like something went wrong and then they were like, we got to kill this chick. So that's got to work out the kinks. Got to work out the kinks. Oh, no, no, no.

I just want an insane dose of DMT. Well, that's what I was going to say. I find that fishy because it's like, even if it didn't work, they're in a medical facility. They wouldn't strangle her. And also, it was his ex-wife. They'd be like, ah, shit, just hit her with morphine.

Hit her with morphine. Or just jack up whatever the fucking thing is. Maybe the doctor. Because they're doctors. It was like, I don't know why I didn't strangle her. Like, the fucking chair. She's still out.

Have you tried choking her out yet? A million of them. This is what she really wanted. This was according to plan. I mean, there's obviously the chance that they're very stupid, but you're in a medical facility. There are more succinct ways to kill somebody than strangle them. We have a guy here, another podcast host, who's crazy.

And one of his fans has stage four cancer, and he is probably not going to make it. He knows it's terminal. And he wants to, in Vermont, you can just get like a pill and you just like fall asleep. And he wants to do

like a live stream, live comedy podcast, like, and he does it there. Whoa! Which is like some crazy shit. Yes! Yes!

Yes! I am so about going when you want to go and not adding more to this population yes i actually think yes make death beautiful it's very sick for him but they want to do a live show and i was like if you're in the crowd of the live show it's gonna be cool it's gonna be cool it's gonna be cool whoa whoa whoa he's dying on stage? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like sold out theater, Wilbur Theater in Boston. And then all of a sudden, there's just a dead guy on the stage. Is that legal?

The host was like, it's a fine line. We're working on it. I think his exact text to me was, legally, it's a little bit precarious. Dude, that guy is going to. You think, bro? But it is kind of metal. Netflix is picking this up, okay? Netflix got the fight.

They call him Dying Guy. So what's up with Dying Guy? Oh, my God. This guy's going to be huge, dude. This guy's going to get a Netflix special before me. If that catches fire, that's like a Truman Show live stream. The world might tune in. You might have like a billion people on Twitch.

That is bad ass. But imagine being in the room when you're like, oh God, there's just a dead guy on stage. And what do you do? What if he like

coops his pants? gargling or something like shit's coming out of him. You're just like, oh wait a minute, we didn't think that. And everybody has to be like, oh it's beautiful.

Oh shit. I thought this was gonna be a lot cooler than what it is right now. What if he just dies and then they're like, so Sabrina Carpenter or Jack Marone? Next segment. All right, on to C-block. Make sure you get your merch out front. Drop tabs. drink your athletic greens

i think if they're if you if you were president and you made the two the two kid rule yeah it might actually be a relief like you know like they're like like like as far as like one person for every like one mom or dad that's like i want to have five kids there's like probably 10 sane people who are like fuck no but if you fall in love with one of those people it's like what do you do if there's like a rule like we can't honey or we have to hide them in the fucking barn right then it's just like hey we're just gonna have to exactly you're not allowed to you're not allowed to do in china though yeah i mean there's a lot of babies left they were killing they were killing babies right they put them in a shoebox and just put them on the side of a

mountain so i think there's some unintended consequences. I'm saying this, again, as a perfect world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a perfect world. Or how about this? How about this? You have two kids. You get tax deductions up to two kids.

Once you hit three, we're charging you double. Nice. No more tax deductions. I'll tell you you hit three we're charging you double nice no more tax deductions i'll tell you what people love to leave it in you jack those taxes up people like i'm not fucking you yes we're no no no we're not risking that honey yeah yeah this is a tax pull out yeah i pulled out i just i just saved one hundred thousand dollars you see that right there on your back that's a hundred thousand dollars That's 100,000 kids and $100,000. Here's the towel. Wipe that 100 grand up.

Dude, guys, I'll be worse than George Bush. But damn it, will we not be a rich country again? Also, you have to adopt for every child you have, you have to adopt a dog. You're one of these dog people, huh?

Oh, I'm – yeah. We've gone too far with the dogs. I'm sorry. Saving dogs? No, I don't – I mean, yeah, saving dogs is good. But in New York, it's particularly tough. Like, there's dogs just everywhere. Oh.

Like, in restaurants and on trains. Oh, good. And then, like, there's, like, dog walkers who have, like, a thousand of them, and there's shit everywhere. The worst is when you're at a bar that's like, we're dog friendly and you just sit there and listen to two autistic dogs argue. This is awesome. I'm having fun right now.

This is great. Dog friendly. This is why I love watching a football game. There are dogs going off and you look up and their owners are just holding hands and looking at each other. Asking the bartender, can I get a bowl of water for my dog?

Can my dog get an espresso martini? Already? This is the relaxing environment I enjoy when I come to a bar. Yeah. Do you have a dog?

I lost it in the divorce. Never married. No, the guy was dating in Atlanta. When we were dating, we got a dog. And that was, that's probably why I truly hung around for longer than I thought. I was going to say, you really should treat dogs like kids.

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Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you like see him? Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. You go back or you go back? I'm going back with you. Pretty much for the dog.

No, I'm kidding. I can't. I can't. No, I still have like so much. Also, I have my hair persons in Atlanta. I'm very bad with money. It doesn't matter. Wait, wait, wait.

You live in LA now? I live in LA. And you go all the way to Atlanta to do your hair. Sometimes I take a red eye and I go from the red eye straight to the chair in Atlanta and I get my hair done. Go back. And then I go do a show that night and then I go straight to the airport and I fly back. Guys, we could die at any moment okay so spend your money

so the career's going good yo could you think about yourself probably what like 10 years ago when you were like you know still on the come up if i were gonna tell you like you're gonna you're probably eating like fucking chef boyardee for dinner. Oh, terrified. You're going to take a red eye to get your hair done in five years. I would be like. That was quick though, I feel like. It does. And I can't stress enough. I don't.

I shouldn't be. Like, I can't. I shouldn't do this. But that's why when you don't have kids. I know. You live it up. Like, I can't even imagine if I didn't have kids. Like, the money would just.

It's just like. You don't even need to be like rich, rich if you don't have kids. I know. If you just make a decent salary and you just spend it on yourself it's like it doesn't matter so i'm not i was just like oh my god it's so cool that i don't want to take the train and i got a 60 uber because nothing matters like it's so fun and and if i go in like to debt or i'm homeless it's just me up there, baby. I can handle it.

Whatever, dude. I'll be fine. I'll go to Thailand and be a bartender for like six months and get it all back. And move back. It doesn't matter. Never have children. Never get dogs and live it the fuck up. That really is the best part. No matter what situation

I'm put in, I'm like, I'll survive. Yes. I'll fucking handle it. It might not be what I want to do or ideal, but I don't have to worry. I'm not worried about some other kid. I'll be fine. Yeah. I just did my first family-less Thanksgiving, and it was fantastic.

I think this is why I'm partying more than ever because all my other friends are getting their shit together because they have children and almost divorces. And so I'm like, Those are coming up the fucking road right now. Yeah, and I'm like, no, guys, let's go this way. This is fun. Let's keep partying.

Yeah, this is when I run for office. Two kids max max rescue dog you can go when you want to go um and um what was my wait what was my other was my third one oh i don't know maybe it was something about donkeys i don't know i don't know what it was but like we're worried about the wrong things we're worried about like wrong things. We're worried about healthcare and the border. When we really should just be worried about minimizing, being minimalist in our own households. I'll vote for you. I'll vote for you.

Yeah. I love just... And donkeys. And donkeys. Guys, have you started following donkey Instagrams? You guys. Do you say this to all of them? I have a question.

It was so normal. Is that what you say to regular people? There's something about us. You go, I bet these guys are donkey guys. You guys, you haven't gone down the donkey rabbit hole yet. No. It's called the donkey hole. Dude, oh my God.

Give a donkey. There's a donkey that's obsessed with rubber chickens. Guys, you're going to get a donkey within minutes after you see this video. I promise you, I'm not getting a donkey. Donkeys and raccoons. Is there like a famous one? Can you do the donkey with the...

He flips his shit when they... His fans will send them new rubber chickens. And so the woman will walk up to the fence with the rubber chicken and he loses his damn mind. It's so entertaining. Well, I have one of those.

It's this guy right here. Oh, God. Just simple and happy. Here's your rubber chicken, bro. He's flipping his shit right now. He sees it. It's a new television show. It's like a pirate rubber chicken.

Look at this. Oh, look, do you see his ears? Look at his freaking face. Look at that snout. He's giving me my damn chicken, mom. Is this it? What would you do if you found like... Sorry, sorry.

I broke the mic. Sorry. What would you do if you found Mr. Right, everything's perfect, but he is anti-donkey? Specifically, it's like, I fucking hate donkeys. I'm going to go... Everything else is perfect. It's not perfect. He doesn't like donkeys i'm gonna go i uh everything else is perfect it's not perfect i'll go i'll go look for i'll go look for mrs right

oh that was it that was it everybody you accept that everybody's always just a little bit gay that was my fourth stance gay my fourth stance was gay wasn't even a thing because it's just normal yeah it's just like like being gay is being straight. I think Jackie said that before. Was it 25% gay? Everybody's 25% gay. Perfect amount of gay. Yeah, 25.

25's a little bit. Yeah, I skew those numbers my way a bit. I think if you- It's like 60%. 49% gay, like right on the fucking precipice. Right. If you kiss the same sex less than four times a year, you're straight. All right.

Dude, I'm fucking in on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you get four fun nights. That's a fair rule. Don't make it three. Don't make it three. No, no, no, no. Four times, you're still straight.

I think that that would lose a lot of pent-upness. There was the spring. There was the summer. There was the fall. You're not gay on vacation like you can do you do whatever you want on vacation as long as vacation it's not gay that's fair so i've always thought that money alcoholism and hangovers don't exist on fate on vacation like it's just now sexuality on the list everything is everything is everything so you know

what i'm saying you can do whatever you want, no labels, and there's no shame. It's just you're on vacation. Yeah. Did you fuck that guy? You're on vacation from your mind and your heart. No, I took a good vacation, dude. Yeah, dude. No, I didn't fuck that guy.

I was just in Aruba. It's freaking great, dude. Oh, my God. That's tremendous. Think about all the shame would go away. There'd be so much less, there'd be so many less men fighting their dads. If you were just like, you're not gay.

This is mostly a dude thing, right? We kind of already do this with chicks a little bit. Yeah, yeah. They get more of a pass, you know? Yeah, girls can just, honestly, I think you're gay as a woman uh if like i don't know you're like if you're like 65 and you're scissoring i think that's the only point when you're a gay before that you're just fucking around yeah you're just a girl yeah you're just having a good time yeah

we did a live stream the other night and we were did move can't sleep we're doing live stream here at the office and brianna came on bri. Brianna Chicken Fry. Very famous person. She's on the show. We're talking. And she just casually is like, I might be a lesbian now. I think every girl says that. And everyone's like, oh, really? Word.

Like, if Mook was like, by the way, guys, I might be gay. We'd be like, what? That's so true. It was a hiccup when Brianna mentioned that. We called it back a few times. But when she first mentioned like we it was a hiccup when brianna mentioned that we we called it back a few times but like when she first mentioned it it was a hiccup if mook had said that we'd be like what are you talking about you're right i saw a video that was viral the other day that was like if uh it was like a guy the premise was a guy coming out to his girlfriend and her being like it's cool as long as i can watch like it would just never happen

right your girl would never be like as long as i can watch like it would just never happen right your girl would never be like as long as i can watch you fuck that dude like you know whatever yeah because that's the direction is with girls well with one with girls if your boyfriend says that they're gay you're you your competition has just skyrocketed because gay men are so much more fashionable and mean and sassy and fit than you so you're like shit now now i'm not even worried about a girl with great fake tits now i have to worry about this really sassy mean fit than you. So you're like, shit, now I'm not even worried about a girl with great fake tits. Now I have to worry about this really sassy, mean guy who takes care of his butthole probably.

Exactly, yes, way more than I do. I've got hair extensions to worry about. You think I'm going to shave my butthole all the time? Do people shave their butthole? Also, you realize girls can just go through, they can date a girl for a second, right? And then they come back. And then they come back, and you're not like your gay.

You're just like, yeah, you just had a girlfriend. You just had a girlfriend for a second. It's just hot. Yeah, but if a guy is like, yeah, I dated a guy for a year and a half. I think this is on you guys. What do you mean? I think if girls were like, that's hot, it would maybe happen more often. Yeah, but also to be fair, I think it's probably not that hot.

Well, that's not the thing. There's something inherently. No, because that's more competition for us. But banging is not nearly as hot as two girls. You don't fuck that guy? Because guys are hotter. Well, no, no, no. Girls are hotter.

Girls are definitely. That's why it's accepted. You're talking about gay guy. You're thinking of like the stereotypical gay guy. I can't compete with him. But like a regular dude is not hotter than a girl. Girls are hot. They're smooth.

They're tiny. They're curvy. A regular guy, you're not going to be like, oh, you hooked up with Frank at the bar. It's like, whoa. You're thinking like two plumbers are hooking up. Well, you know, the whole world is not a bunch of hot, sassy gay guys. No, with guys it's different. With guys the norm is like disgusting.

You're all gross. With girls it's just hot chicks. Just hot chicks. You think so? I think if I get with a girl, she's going to be like, she's going to carry me on her back. You know what I'm saying? She's going to be a little rough.

I see girls as rough. I see them as rugby playing. You know what I mean? Really? Yeah. I'm going to make you soup, but I'm probably going to spit in it. I don't know why. Maybe that's just my type.

I don't know. That's how you look at women? I'm supposed to be talking the thing I've ever heard. I made you some loogie stew. I don't know. That's how you look at women? I'm supposed to be talking about the thing I've ever heard. I'm making some loogie stew. I don't know why. It's just my type. It's just my type.

Go feed the donkey. I'm going to spit in your soup. Guys. Oh, no. I'm just finding out. I like to be abused. That is crazy. Yeah, I guess that's it. I'm like if i go date a girl she's probably gonna be like

like pretty pretty you know rugged and then like if my boyfriend or like if i dated somebody he went with a guy i would assume he would be oh i guess that kind of makes sense a beautiful you would go going gay is a little more masculine where a guy going gay becomes a little more feminine yes probably because we were in a straight relationship before, so the people we date afterwards, even if they're same sex, are going to match the opposite sex kind of thing. Yeah, I guess. It's so complicated because when you're president,

none of this will matter. It's just like you fuck whatever. Guys, I'm going to fucking save this country. My sister's gay, and we were talking to her girlfriend. She lives with her girlfriend. Are they both hot? They're both good-looking people, yeah.

Good answer. Good answer. Safe answer. My sister's so fucking hot. But she was like, this is the problem. It was Thanksgiving just ended. We're talking about who's going to decorate for Christmas right away or if you're waiting. And her girlfriend was like, yeah, I don don't know this kind of sucks for us like we don't have

someone who's like i'll go outside and start hanging shit yeah yeah yeah who's taking out the garbage who's doing all like the shitty stuff yeah they're both like we just want to hang some garlic yeah yeah that's it this is where it gets negative being in same-sex relationships dude in atlanta when we were moving we uh we looked to like we go to home depot and ask some guys just to help like move us for the day and we gave them like we asked like a like twenty dollars an hour and they were like they like laughed at us they were like nah we don't even start from forty dollars an hour yeah i was like dude i i nann start for $40 an hour I was like dude

I nannied for less than this for 8 years are you kidding me the next day Catherine was at Home Depot like 50 bucks I'll put up your Christmas decorations for $75 an hour

in my America what do you got these days you're touring you got yeah oh i got a special special i have a special coming out tomorrow tomorrow well it'll be out december 5th it's free it's on youtube it's called catholic cowgirl um i'm obsessed with beyonce so i filmed it in houston march 29th, the day she dropped Cowboy Carter, and I have a Renaissance horse on stage. Really? Do you have a dead guy?

What? Do you have a dead guy up there? No. I need to save space for next special. I can't do it all in the first special. What if I bring a guy to life? What if I birth a man? Oh, that's genius.

I bring a giant man out of my vagina wow i will that's the price of admission that would be amazing i'll never walk again uh okay so yeah it's on youtube and um i'm just wearing a really cute outfit and there's a horse on stage so and the hair extensions oh yeah and yeah, and I have hair extensions. It's really about the hair extensions. Yeah, you don't even... I don't know if you guys knew that. Catherine has hair extensions. Guys, it's like... It's life-changing.

Is it really? I feel like... When did you get them? Like, the first couple times you were here, you did not have them? No. I feel like you look the same. No, you can't even remember it.

No, you look so different. Dude, I know. It was worth every penny, I swear. You should fly to Atlanta again. It was totally worth it. Guys, it's like, I immediately started

making more money when I had these. Did you really though? Did you like feel a difference? For sure. That's crazy. Yes, like,

viewership went up. I haven't paid for a meal yet. That's great, guys. Don't look in the back though. The weft always sticks out in the back. So I just never stand in front of anyone ever again. But it's worth it.

You're just constantly moving in a circle. Oh, no. Don't think about me. Don't think about me. Yeah, what you trying to do here, slick? I'll go to the back of the line. I'll wait in the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone can cut me. What you trying to do here? All right. You're a blast, as always. Thank you. Thank you guys for having me. Thank are you trying to do here? All right. You're a blast as always. Thank you. Thank you guys for having me. Thank you so much. Toodles.

Bye. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.