KFC Radio - Kelly Keegs Isn't Scared of Olivia Munn Ft. Emily Hampshire

Episode Date: September 9, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Joe Rogan getting Covid - are we in the golden age of comedy? - Shane Gillis' new special is hilarious - Olivia Munn and John Mulaney are having a kid - G*pe Gloves.... - Kelly Keegs joins us to give her take on Olivia Munn and John Mulaney - Bill Moro, the man who bowled a perfect 300 on 9/11/01 - KFC scours all of New York for Ready Confetti - AITA - Trevor Baur Memorobilia - Pavs witnesses a speakerphone train breakup Voicemails - starting a cult - squishy rock theory - stop time - Emily Hampshire on being Canadian, how unique Schitt's Creek is, Chapelwaite, pimple-popping, and much more Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I have a question. Yes. I'm going to say two words. Okay. You let me know if you know what they mean. Oh, okay.

I'm nervous. Me? Oh, no. Film this. Oh, no. Oh, no. I hate when you guys do this because it's going to be something gross. Oh, yeah. I'm going to look like an asshole because I'm going to know it. Sexual, though.

And I'm going to look like a dickhead. It's not just like gross, but it's like. What is it? Okay. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. If you're watching on YouTube, I want everyone to leave a comment telling Jackie how well the lighting is, how good and how it looks just like every other episode when Nick was at the helm. Jackie's on the ones as she changes it. Yeah.

As she changes it. We just experienced a solar eclipse. You just clap. We just got a little shade. It'll move in a second. You honestly just drew more attention to it. And now I'm like. Yeah, that's the name of the game.

Yeah, it's that. Yep. You have imperfections. We're going to point them out. Well, these are things that if I was ever watching a podcast, never in a million years would I be like, the lighting's a little dull. Oh, I'd notice. Do you? I wouldn't be upset about it.

I mean, it would have to be staggering. Because if you watch it twice a week, and you'd be like, hmm, something's off. It's a little different, right? You're literally making it so much worse for me. You're making me so much more self-conscious of this. She's also got a stain on her shirt. Shut up. She has a stain on her shirt, and she's wearing Beetlejuice pants.

So, yeah. How are you feeling, Jackie? Feeling good about yourself? No. It's like we have to tear you down to our level. We've got to tear you down, girl. But, yeah, everyone go watch on YouTube. Subscribe and watch along with us.

And get tickets. Yeah, I was going to say, subscribe, and watch along with us. And get tickets. Yeah, I was going to say, the big thing we got going right now, come see us live Wednesday. This coming Wednesday, September 15th at Caroline's. We are back on stage in Manhattan, in the city where we thrive, where it's easiest for us to get to. Yeah, Nyack was tough. Nyack was tough because we never talked about this. Nyack was, you know, it's like an hour and a half. We never talked about how bad a driver you were.

No, we did. Did we? Yeah, we did. Okay, never mind. Kevin's a great driver. Yeah, no driving necessary. Come on up. See us on Caroline's on Broadway.

It's like 51st and Broadway. Tickets are available. Go to – check us out on are available go to uh uh check us out on social um or go to carol i think it's caroline's caroline's.com right yeah caroline's.com click on events and shows and we'll be under there uh come come hang out with us we're we're still doing live shows and i think we'll still do like meet and greet afterwards yeah yeah just don't spit on me fuck a delta variant yeah it's like whatever if we're gonna get it you know so yeah every i'm sure that you know just kidding caroline don't give me delta caroline's has all of their i don't want that at all not even not even a little

bit i really don't want it i i'm i'm actually this is like a knock on wood thing but like it's crazy that we haven't got it i've've never gotten COVID. I know. It's insanity. Like we came back to work in the middle of everything. We've traveled. We we've talked about it. Like I stopped doing like all of the things. I stopped watching my hands. I stopped worrying about the vaccine.

Yeah. Like forget it. By the way, you know, people get the booster shot already. Yeah. I didn't know that. My mom got it the other day. My mom got it too. I think if you just say that you've like got issues, they're just like, okay, here you already? Yeah. I didn't know that. My mom got it the other day. My mom got it too. I think if you just say

that you've got issues, they're just like, okay, here you go. Yeah. Because I think ultimately they want everyone to get it, so it's like, well, we know you're bending the rules,

but another one is a good thing, so whatever. I like the people who are like, are you going to get another one? Yeah. I'm going to get it. I'm going to get all the ones they tell me to get.

I'm going to get all the medicines. I just, yeah. Give me all of the medication. I do not get it. Against the disease that's going to kill me? Yeah. I want to fight that. I'll take all the armor I can.

Do you know anybody in your real life? I'm going to go back. I'm going to look at Moderna right now. I heard Moderna's better than Pfizer. I got that Pfizer shit. Yeah. I want to fucking help my game. Give me a little cocktail.

Give me a cocktail of the cocktails. Let's just mix it all up in there. Do you know anyone in your real life who's anti-vax? No. Like, I'm trying to think. I can't imagine if, like, because I think some people do. I think people have friends and family in their lives who are like, we, like, got along, and they're smart,

and we used to have, like, regular conversations, and then all of a sudden they were, like, anti-vax. I mean, I wouldn't stop talking to anyone. I get it. I want to die, too. If you came in and you were anti-vax. I mean, I wouldn't stop talking to anyone. I get it. I want to die too. If you came in and you were anti-vax, I'd be like, you're a fucking idiot, dude. Like, we can't even, like, I'm not even, I'm not going to respect your decision. Like, you're a fucking moron.

I wouldn't care. Like, again, like I just said, like, I don't know, man. No, no, actually, actually, I take that back. I wouldn't say you're a moron. No, no, I would. If you were like a doctor, if you had scientific background and you were like, you know, I think I'm pretty healthy and I'd be okay if I got it. And, you know, this vaccine, like in general, putting things in your body that are unnatural, you know, whatever. But like I just know that you're a fucking idiot.

I had fucking gummy candies for breakfast this morning. So I'm not worried about what I put in my body. Thank you very much. I do love that. It is one of those things where people are like – Tick to the heroin. People are like, I can put that in my body. I don't know what it is.

Hang on a second. Joe Rogan said I shouldn't do this. Yo, Joe Rogan is funny too. People are like dunking on Rogan because he got it. And I don't really get that because first of all it's kind of shitty people are like good get it you know um i don't think he ever was like i'm invincible to catching it was he i i don't i think he was pretty i think he was pretty outspoken like if you're healthy if you're not fat if you're in shape you work out you take your vitamins like you'll be okay but i

don't think he was ever like i cannot catch covid and they were like ah see you got it and he was kind of like okay yeah but see i'm all right in a couple days i don't think it was the big like the big you know like embarrassing thing for him i don't think so i mean like it's a pandemic you're people gonna get it yeah yeah but everyone was kind of it was like he was outspoken about like not necessarily being afraid of it and then he got it if he was like really sick or whatever there would be the irony but i didn't see much of that people clowned him is that he he immediately got what's the thing ivervectin or whatever that's called uh and then like he did like this drip and that injection and all that and they're kind of

like oh i thought like you know lifting weights and being healthy was enough and he was like let me get all of the things. But I think also if you know Joe Rogan, he's always on supplements and always doing – he lives in a hyperbaric chamber while eating weird foods inside of a sauna while he injects himself with this and that. So I don't think it was out of – I just don't think it's anything out of the ordinary for Rogan that people made it into where it's like, ha-ha, we got him. But like everything on the internet, I think I saw more people being like don't make fun of joe rogan for getting covid more than i saw anyone making fun of joe rogan yeah there are news reports on it because he's a celebrity right joe rogan got i saw a lot of like joe rogan got covid new york times and

like joe rogan got covid tmz but i didn't see i didn't see people being like haha fuck you again it's all everyone's timeline's different i don't know maybe it was somewhere but i didn't see it on mine rogan just moves the fucking needle man and just laughs all the way to the bank i think you know like anything that happens to him you know everyone's getting covid but like it was a big deal for joe rogan i think he just that's a major celebrity yeah oh yeah but i'm saying he's a fucking big celebrity like he's a big one at this point like with if something happens or he says something or whatever like it it goes people like there's, I mean,

I feel like like once every like few months, there's a headline. Spotify doesn't like Joe Rogan. We just do this every time somebody like speaks up or whatever. God damn. Is he rich? Um, so yeah,

tickets are available. Uh, carolines.com. Quite a way to say that. Uh, so we're back, we're back live. I think,

uh, we're going to try to do – I just got a text from Andrew about Gramercy Theater coming up in November maybe. So I think we'll try to squeeze in an October one and then in November. So basically monthly we're going to hope to get back on track and do them regularly like all across New York and then eventually maybe go to Philly and Boston and all the local spots. So get your tickets at carolines.com. Get back on stage.

Watch some comedy. Dan Soder was at your bar Tuesday night. He was. He was at Factory 380. And I heard Nate and Trent went, I believe. Nate and Frankie. Frankie. And said it was just like the funniest thing they've ever seen.

And I just like live comedy. When I saw Sherrod Small like probably 15 years ago, I was like that's the funniest comedian of all time. That was the funniest thing I've ever seen. And then I saw Ricky Velez live. He was opening up for Pete Davidson. And I was like, no, that's the funniest thing of all time. And these are obviously great and talented comedians.

But like in my mind when I see it live and I'm in that element, I'm like, this is the pinnacle of comedy. Nothing has ever been funnier. It's almost like I've said about bars, where when the bar door swings shut behind you, you're in an experience. You're in a moment. You've come to an agreement with everyone else

in the bar being like, look, whatever's happening outside, fuck it. We're getting drunk. We're laughing. We're going to laugh. We're going to say some things. We're going to hear some shit. Bear our soul. Yeah. Shane Gillis has a new special out.

It's in Austin, I guess next door is a bar. Towards the end of the set, I guess it's later in the night, so they turn the music up and you can kind of hear the music. He's like, God fucking damn, man. Music is so much better than what I do.

Dude, Shane. The reason I brought up Soder was because I was also going to bring up Shane. And I think that if you're watching Soder or listening to Soder on his shows Shane Gillis Chrissy D like there's a and maybe it's just because we've gotten into it recently and the internet has like there's so much exposure now that you can consume so many of these comics

but I feel like there's some sort of like golden age, renaissance one of those like catchphrases going on where there are just some fucking hilarious people who are still very accessible right now like dave chappelle you know you gotta you gotta pay like 150 for a ticket face value to get into his show at like red rocks yeah you're not gonna see you know and actually that's not true because those guys do pop-ins but like soda being at factory gillis putting out a free YouTube special. Like, this is quality comedy that is still affordable, sometimes free altogether.

I think Shane's going to crush. He did, like, 215,000 views the first day. Really? Like, you know, like, the Sam Morales and Mark Normans. I think Sam did a few million. I think Mark did, like, seven and a half mil. Seven and a half is a lot to catch. But like Shane, I feel like has, you know, he's riding a wave right now too.

Like I think, I mean, there's going to be millions of views on that YouTube. And any motherfucking Beyonce did. Yeah. He just dropped an album. Shane doesn't do like promotions. He doesn't. So I said, so he did one thing. He made himself into the Drake album album cover yeah which by the way like i don't know if you credit drake or his team or his art

team or whatever that's no that was done by like an actual artist right but but you know what i mean it's more like it's more just like a concept than like like it's an emoji yeah but he like but he like it's it's his artist i was reading i actually the gq review of of clb was i thought very spot on where it's like drake can do this forever yeah it's what is it it's actually they had a great quote where it's like um it was fucking he said it's almost like someone told drake what what brad pitt told um matt damon in Eleven where like it's like I forget the quote exactly but it's like be funny but don't make him laugh be interesting but don't make him think

be memorable but as soon as you walk away make sure he forgets you and it's like that's what Drake albums are they got your attention it's not gonna stick it's not gonna last yeah yeah yeah yeah and they'll just keep doing it forever he can do this for 80 more years.

I do think that's a – like, he's prolific, though. He puts out a lot of shit. Like, I think that there's – that's a product of it, too. It's like, you can wait and put out these, like, deep albums, but it takes people, like, four years. Yeah. You know, sometimes I'd rather – you know, like, Justin Timberlake had only put out, like, two albums his whole life. It's like, what the fuck, man? It's music, you know? Timberlake have only put out like two albums his whole life it's like what the fuck man um but that that album cover I I saw some sort of stat about like and I don't know who tracks

these things like I was just saying off camera we should just make up statistics now but like the amount of of copying and usage of that template was like broke the internet you know it was like truly unprecedented shit because when I first saw it I was kind of like that's kind of like a cop out it's just like emojis like it's not real it's not original or anything but it's like nope somebody knew somebody knew this is going to be catchy and and you know replicable and all that shit um but he shane made himself into it it was like him holding like a beer and uh he said album or a special drops tomorrow. I think it was. And that was it.

That was the only promotion. And I texted him like, no promo like Beyonce, just surprise album. And I was like, that's cocky, dude. He was like,

no, it's stupid. He's like, I don't like doing promo. I'm not good at it. I was like, I get that. But also it also becomes like,

I'm talking about it now. So it's like, I don't know if he thought through it like that, but it's almost like you get promo by not doing the promo. It's the old like I didn't fill in the essay. I turned it in. What's the risk? This is the risk.

So, man, if you live in New York or you're on the internet, these guys are just so fucking funny. I love like Frankie finding out out about soda and like watching people you know it's it's like showing somebody a video they've never seen or telling them a story they haven't heard or breaking news when you and i think they know who soda was but i don't know if they had ever seen his act when you know someone and like you watch them watch those people for the first time it's like frankie saw soda because he was when we were in detroit he was talking about he had just seen sodaoda and he was doing like, you know

So it was like the high-pitched voice. I just kept doing Because so I guess so there's a bit where he's like he doesn't care about babies crying on planes Because that's what happened when I was on the plane It was I come off the plane talking about how I just took my headphones out and let the baby win Because like it was crying so loud. You were turning it up. It was coming over the earphones. I was like, there was too much noise with the music and the baby. I was like, fine, fuck it.

You win. I'll listen to the baby cry. He said that he had seen Soda do a spit, and he doesn't care about babies crying. He cares about when they can talk, and they don't shut up. He's like, he'll wait on the end of the jetway. He'll be like, oh, you're a naughty little boy. Have that like a six-year-old who wouldn't shut the fuck up. So he's going to get arrested doing that.

Jesus Christ. Okay, well, you should see fucking Gillis' thing. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't watched the whole thing yet. I just did. He thought so. I just want to know.

He thought so. Going to his niece's sixth and seventh grade volleyball team. And he goes, oh, my God. That bit about picking age of consent. Yeah. Rhode Island, you're up first. 12. No, dude.

No. Why do I have to go first? It's the hardest one to go first on. It's the hardest one to go first on. That's what I really, really appreciate comedy. It would have been funny if he just said, why did I have to go first? But the added, this is the hardest one to go first on. Add that extra line is just so fucking funny.

He said that that's the best way to get out of going to your nephew's stuff. When someone's like, do you want to go to the T-Bowl game? What grade are they in? Fourth. Oh, man. Uninvited. Disinvited. See you never.

Yeah, it's the little kids on the plane I thought was a internet like trope. But I guess people really do get that mad about it, huh? Oh, God, yes. I mean, like I was a little annoyed, but it wasn't, like, you know. I didn't do anything. I didn't turn around. Someone's going to shut that baby up? Someone's going to slap that kid?

Yeah. What I don't get, I don't, I don't. Something happens when people get on a plane where they think that they are, like, entitled to things being the exact way that they are. Like, I mean, we've talked about it before but i will never understand the outrage on the reclining of the seat no it it's i i've done it i've become a recliner i never did it why would you not i've become a recliner they gave you the option everyone can recline and let's be honest it doesn't change your experience if you're behind it that much no it doesn't like you're right i've i've been most it doesn't. Like, you're right.

You're right. I've been most of my life until fairly recently I've been astonishingly anti-recliner. I never cared if someone reclined in front of me but I didn't recline

because I'm a pussy. I've changed my ways. I recline now. If it like moved the whole seat back and like hit your feet or something but, you know,

if something goes like this to this and then you just go like that I just don't fucking get the crazy outrage of like you have to sit in a chair the way I want you to sit in your chair even though it's made to do this. And babies can't make noise around me. It's like shut the fuck up. Even before I had kids and now once I do have kids, I'm like I don't give a fuck if you're going to give me this bike because they've ruined my life.

So which is why John Mulaney is a crazy person we'll talk about it it's brought to you by bare bottom clothing i'm wearing my bare bottoms right now these are my bare bottom pants that i wear um probably six days a week it's like uh these or my moon man lounge pants these are the black joggers that are like perfect for you know just like comfortable everyday wear not not quite jeans, certainly not like khakis, a little bit of the jogger elastic at the bottom. Um, but this pair, I mean, gets me through, gets me through life. Uh, they also have a denim knit hoodie. That's great for the fall. That's like a heavy, but not like a sweatshirt. It's weird. It's like a heavy material. It says denim. It's not like jeans though, but it's like a knit sweaterirt it's weird it's like a heavy material it says denim it's not

like jeans though but it's like a knit sweater uh hoodie that's that's fucking very nice and then the t-shirts and long sleeve tees are so comfortable all different colors make your eyes pop bring out the color in you and they are so fucking comfortable i recently got like eight of them yeah i did the same thing i'm very happy i very happy. I got like a whole bunch of them, and then I got fatter, and I got everything again in XL. So now if I'm having like a skinny day, I have like eight to choose from. If I have an XL day, I have eight to choose from. You have XL days? Oh, yeah.

Most of the time. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Big time. Bro, I'm like, I have XL days. You're getting Not great John You're getting to me

I used to fluctuate Between medium and large Yeah And now I'm fluctuating Between large and I go And you know We don't have to talk about it No we're not

Because we talked about this We don't have to talk about this No we talked about this At the fucking pool in Vegas And I said you have It's confirmed you're biased I felt great Because you have

That was one of the most Important moments of my life You have a totally normal bias That was one of the most important moments of my life. You have a totally normal body. That was one of the most important moments of my life. I had on, because you talked about it so often. I was like, God damn, Kevin must be a mess under that shirt. Just a normal ass body. Yeah.

It's not me. It's just how often he talks about it. I see him. I'm like, he's not big. So it must be like a fucking problem. Tan helps. You catch me in a couple months when I'm pale with no shirt on, it's ghastly. It's gruesome.

But, yeah, I mean, I was at the pool in Vegas, and I guess it was satisfactory. And John says to me. This is a completely normal man's body. He said flat out, you have a normal body. And I was like, be still my heart. It was like the most average comment. He was just like, you have a normal body. And I was like, yes, that's all I ask for.

Like I've always said, I want the before picture. I don't even need the after. I want to look like Mr. Before. And I'm happy to understand that I do. But yeah, sometimes XL, baby. But it's awful because it's like it's not. I don't like fill it out in the arms so then I look like

a little kid but it's better than having like this is daddy's shirt I'm a naughty boy but yeah I don't care what size you are

these bare bottom clothing bare bottom shirts are unbelievable it's bare bottom clothing bare like the animal B-E-A-R clothing barebottomclothing.com

promo code KFC and you can get free shipping on that first order it's let me just A-R clothing. Barebottomclothing.com. Promo code KFC. And you can get free shipping on that first order. Let me just double check that real quick to make sure I got it right. It is barebottomclothing.com. Promo code KFC to get that first order. John Mulaney is having a baby with Olivia Munn. And that is fucking insanity. It is?

John, no. No, no, no. It's fucking insanity. It's crazy town. Totally, totally agree. Totally agree. But if you're going to be crazy town with somebody, Olivia Munn's a good choice to be crazy town.

She's the mayor. I don't even mean like she's crazy. She might be. I don't fucking know. I know she's crazy. Oh, John. I know I've seen the slideshows. I've seen the slideshows.

Olivia Munn was eating ass before Mike Adriano was. Olivia Munn and Chris Pine were putting tongues in sphincters before Mike Adriano had gape gloves. Show's over! He said gape gloves. That's what the gloves say! I know, John! I obviously have seen them, but there are people out there who are not understanding

the reference, so we're gonna have to explain to them that it's a pair of fucking gardening gloves, basically, that girls have to wear because he oils them up so much. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let's have a conversation. If you use it, if you need gloves to open your butthole, too much oil.

You use it too much. I've never understood why you're putting that much goddamn oil on the girl. If you need, if you need, John, a drop cloth, if you need a tarp underneath, too much whatever. Too much oil, lube, fucking milk. Fucking too many sticks of butter up her ass. Too much stuff. I'm seeing the video. I'm not making it up.

Dude, the gape gloves is, I mean. Yo, do you think he sells them? You think he sells them on the website? Find out. Let's find out. Let us find out. I'm just going to Google gape. You look at the website.

I'm going to to Google Gape. You look at the website. I'm going to go Gape Gloves. There are some prudes and some girls who are very confused. Mike Adriano, first of all, has a Reddit. Mike Adriano has a Reddit. This is from one year ago someone posted on the Reddit anyone know where to buy Mike's game clothes and there's one reply

and it says ask your mom that might be the greatest your mom joke ever executed that really might be the funniest mom joke ever executed. That really might be the funniest mom joke ever. That is fucking classic. Bro, I cannot think of a scenario even remotely close to how awful it would be if you found your mother's gape gloves. Like, you find your mom's fucking sex toys, lingerie.

You find a sex tape with your parents. You find your dad's sex toys and lingerie. None of that even comes close to if you open up a drawer or a fucking closet or a box that belongs to your mother. And there's a pair of goddamn gloves designed

to be able to spread your butt. Oily as shit. Freshly used. Ask your mom. imagine you walk in say you know your mom's in the garage wearing a pair of gloves one day like that holy shit the gape gloves gape gloves exist lenina crown tells us what the fuck gape gloves are let's see what this youtube's about i mean this is uh this is special gape gloves is a deep cut deep gape gloves gape gloves is like knowing the san francisco armory like you are a real one if you if you know what what that

means and and what what that's about um i didn't i never thought could i have a etsy link to these clubs i can't find them on etsy are Are people making game gloves on Etsy, man? Are people making game gloves on Etsy? Thanks to the coconut oil. Thanks to the coconut oil. Of course he's a German, you fucking perverts. Oh, is this the game gloves here? These are my favorite gloves.

Oh, these are open Gabe gloves here? These are my favorite gloves. Oh, these are. Open your sphincter. This chick's got all the fucking supplements and shit. Here we go. Oh, my God. I'm going to put them on because it's going to be easier. Because the cleaner you already are than the cleaner you already are. And, of course, we must talk about the gape gloves.

The gape gloves. I forgot about gape gloves. What's a gape glove? This fucking pervert here. I love the gape gloves. The gape gloves. I forgot about the gape gloves. I love the gape.

Now, would you say those gloves would fit me if I wanted? Here we go. Let's keep going. They're so powerful. They're so powerful. They are powerful. The heart is not so big. We can see it. Are these something that you sell?

No, I actually bought them online. I bought them on Etsy. Well, you should make your own and sell them. Mark, you'll need to explain to Dan what they're for. Oh, here we go. They're just for keeping your hands warm. Oh, yeah. I've seen tons of different... I've seen people use them in scenes.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I've seen countless... because there was one doing... Hey, Dan, why don't you let her describe him, fucking idiot? You're ruining the moment, Dan. You fucking let the moment breathe. Oh, he's fucking this Italian asshole. I've seen the girls using him before. I've seen people use him in scenes. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I've seen countless. It's a popular thing in America for like Shreerano with Mike Isiano to have these girls. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. A long time ago started a performer who had HIV, and he didn't want to infect girls. This is before we realized how, and he was using gloves.

What? I don't think that guy knew what HIV was. How about, first of all, that's not, yeah, that doesn't matter. Second of all, talk about sucking the air out of a room. Shut the fuck up, bro. We're talking about gape gloves, not the AIDS, bro. Let the fucking hot chick describe what gape gloves are and keep the AIDS in your fucking mouth. Let the girl talk about her anal sex equipment.

Shut the fuck up. Because he wasn't having sex with the girls. Oh, he was just doing the gaping bit. Right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you gotta see that one. He was doing the gaping bit. He went like this.

Because he wasn't having sex with the girls. Oh, he was just doing the gaping bit. Doing the gaping bit. That's a Randy Moss fucking end zone dance. Ah! Wait, what was that laugh about?

Things evolve. Fuck you. There's that glove which is for the... And then there's the bad gloves with the light of king gloves. Which is completely different. Because the light of king glove guy takes his glove off after time when a light of king does that. The light of king gloves? You should make your own gloves. You should make your own branded gloves. Yeah, maybe, you know, I could put my logo on there. Put your, like, an LC logo and, like, a crown.

Yeah, I could have my logo. Hilarious. And people who like it can make them like a book. Just absolutely fucking... Who the fuck is this band, guys? I'm my knickers. Hilarious. If people who like Danny can make him like a boss. Who the fuck is this Dan guy? I'm going to kill him. That is such a funny fucking pin by you. That is like, I don't think I've ever, clearly there's one conversation. I don't know how many conversations in the whole world have ever occurred about gay clubs.

I think that's a pretty niche topic i mean everyone's seen them not everyone most people john i'm gonna tell you you we're talking about drake being prolific mikey drowns prolific that motherfucker's everywhere at all times you gotta understand how many like vanilla people are out there bro it's just anal sex i think that's just regular sex. It's anal sex with, like, special gloves and equipment for it, John. He puts speculums in girls and shit. He's pretty fucking out there. Speculums on the fucking.

That's fucking part of canon now. That's porn canon. That's what I mean. I don't think it is. I think that we're fucked. Ah, man, I hope not. We are, definitely. No.

All right, well, how about this? If we're fucked, everyone who listens to this show is fucked. Well, that's definitely true. So you're right. So then in that case If we're fucked, everyone who listens to this show is fucked. Well, that's definitely true. So you're right. So then in that case, we're in the trust tree, basically. The way that Mike Adriano's dick comes out of the side of the camera, it's almost like you're wearing 3D goggles. It's just crazy.

It's like the way a shark comes by an aquarium. If you're looking at the aquarium wall, and all of a sudden a giant whale or a man or something just floats out, it's just like, whoa. That thing. And he's got his own own gloves and he fucking puts it in what we've learned today is everyone on the fucking true anal set has aids what was that about yeah there was the guy with the gloves because he had aids what what so i remember when i What? I remember when I fucking wrote a blog way back in the day

like early. Oh, you had some ignorant talk about AIDS. Like really. You used to think you could catch it. You used to run away from the kids or something, right? No, it was my roommate. That was another one that was super. You thought you could catch something else. Even more offensive than AIDS.

My roommate fucking, he thought you could catch something else yeah yeah even more offensive than aids my my roommate fucking he worked and i never actually believed this i was making jokes on the internet back back when these kind of these kind of jokes were okay yeah back when that was allowed but he worked for a guy who had aids and like they worked out of his apartment and they keep like yeah he uses computer all the time like what if there's fucking cum on his computer and you come home give me a high five and i have a cut on my hand Like I was kind of kidding

But like as I say it out loud I do It's not completely logical I don't understand I think almost everybody I would imagine Went through A paranoid hangnail phase

That you think you can get it from Like a cut on your fingers Oh I didn't do that Now I'm about to hit it I'm going through my phase Starting now But you can't And I don't know why I mean I Because I still kind of feel that way hit it. I'm going through my face starting now. I don't know why.

Because I still kind of feel that way. I know that if it's in the air, you can't get it. So that I understand. Come on the keyboard, it's dead. But if I'm... Things are sealed, and I've got a hangnail cut, why not? Why not? Google says you can't.

I don't know about that one, Google. Google's been wrong before. I've got to get some gloves before I go in there. Anyway, this is all about John Mulaney. Yeah. This is all about John Mulaney. Olivia Munn, I think, is crazy in all the good ways and all the very bad ways. I think that she, you're not that hot and that successful and that kinky back in the day.

She's got gape gloves at home. And then you're not crazy on the other side. Did you hear the story about her emailing him? No. She's fucking wacky, man. Back in 2015, she was like, I'm obsessed with John Mulaney. I met him at a wedding.

I think it was Seth Meyers' wedding. They talked about that on the show last night because that's where Mulaney announced that he had a baby. If you haven't seen it, I don't know if we're allowed to put it in our YouTube. Go watch this Seth Meyers bit where he announces it. It is insanely awkward. She met him at the wedding. She was like, I danced with him and his fiance all night long because I'm like obsessed with him. And then I emailed him afterwards being like, hey, do you guys want to hang out?

And he never wrote back probably because I had the wrong email. Like, yeah, probably because I got the wrong email. Probably not because his wife was like, what the fuck? Delete that shit right now. You're not emailing with Olivia Munn. But then so you know that this is kind of like her celebrity crush almost like her obsession and like the instant that he's divorced she swoops in and grabs him and then the instant they're together she's pregnant this is some crazy chick predatorial shit yeah but like john

mulaney doesn't even know it john mulaney's in the spin cycle because he's fucking olivia munn and he's getting his brains fucked out in a way that he never even imagined. He's wearing the gay gloves. And so he's just like along for the ride. And she's like, now I trapped you for life. I think that. Fuck, what was I just going to say? John, in one year, he announced he was an alcoholic. He moved out and got a divorce.

He went to rehab. He gets out. Then he relapses. He got an intervention with his friends. Went back to rehab. He gets out, then he relapses. He got an intervention with his friends, went back to rehab, which I read that he weighed 130 pounds for. That's crazy. He also might not have,

he might not have been that big of a guy to begin with. He, Oh, he's definitely a skinny guy, but like he's, I think he's on the taller side. Yeah. 130 pounds is,

I would guess Tom Lee's at least six feet tall. I would think he's like a buck 60 though. So I don't think like losing. Yeah. But like, I guess you're probably right. You know, it's like, it's, it's skinny, but it's not like buck sixty though. So I don't think like losing. Yeah. But like I guess you're probably right. You know it's like it's it's skinny but it's not like I don't I don't think I've ever you know if you went down to like one thirty you would be like whoa. Yeah.

You know because you're fat. But but has the intervention goes back to rehab gets out of rehab goes to sober living then goes to L.A. and immediately is in a relationship. Like, the number one thing they say is, like, don't be in any relationship during recovery. Like Sandra Bullock said, any relationship – what was she saying? Speed? Any relationship formed during a high anxiety situation is, like, bound to fail. Yes, yes.

I'm rude for the kids. But what I don't – okay, here's what I was going to say. No, no, I'm – and that's where – it was funny. I was doing One Minute Man And I was like Or I don't know Maybe there's a scenario Where they're both a little bit older So things move faster

Because you know exactly What you do and don't want And you find someone who fits it And you just go with it So maybe it's their business But come on man It's been a regular piece of his comedy Like in multiple specials

Yes To talk about not wanting kids Right Or actually he never says explicitly I don't want kids But he's making fun of them He always says like We don't know if we want kids and he hates the people who like kids and

shit and then all of a sudden he just has one because olivia munn either wanted one or did it or you know what i mean like you don't just flip that i mean it might be an accident like i don't think olivia munn like tricked him into having a baby i don't know bro i i think it could be an action she's a siren. I think she is a... You think she was off birth control, pretended she was on it? I think that's a little much. No, but I think it was like... I think he's kind of like, whatever Olivia wants, man.

You know? I'm guessing it's just an accident. They're both like, look, we're rich. Who cares? If you're both crazy rich, fuck it. Have a baby. Someone else will raise you. I don't think that like...

I don't know i'll see i'll fuck it i'll be the fun uncle my own kid i mean i guess if you know if you're if that's the case sure but like if you're talking about like actually having your own kid and raising it like to try to keep up your comedian career comic career and have this kid and fight your addiction and deal with what i believe is a crazy girl i mean it's like it's a lot on your plate his life is out of control right now and that's not making fun of him or me like judging him or whatever that's just like that's just looking at a paper and reading what's on the page it's been one year i'm sure he didn't get that like he'd be like yeah it's

crazy like on on seth me he lists it out for a reason. He's like, look at all this shit going on. And it's like, yeah! Look at all this shit going on, John! Like, you gotta, I mean, if you do it right, you should be, like, ready and in a good relationship, like, you know, some sort of agreement with a partner or a relationship with a partner. You should be, like, financially sound,

professionally sound, socially sound, like, ready to go. And nobody ever really is. Yeah, I was gonna say, like, at one point. That's, you should be like financially sound, professionally sound, socially sound, like ready to go. And nobody ever really is. Yeah. I was going to say like at what point. That's how you should – yeah, that's what you should strive for. And everybody – nobody gets that perfectly. But also, he's at the other end of the spectrum, man.

And the X factor is being rich because it's like if a regular addict and crazy girl had a baby, it's like, I don't know, this baby might not survive. But that kid will be fine, I guess. But it's like, if you're John Mulaney's friend, put it that way. If that was all, if I was going through all that, if I, like, I basically did. If that all happened to me and everything that happened to me and I came to you, like, in a matter of months, and was like, I'm having a kid with another baby, a kid with another girl, you would just be like, I'm happy for you? You might say it to my face i would

yeah to your face say behind my back this is fucking crazy i would be like i'm like look whatever makes him happy man if honestly that was if we're really playing that out if you did that i'd be like oh shit that's awesome congratulations and like i'd be like yeah it's like it's it's not what i do but good for him well that's yeah that's what i said i was like i'm not gonna preach about it i'm just saying that i kind of was in a very similar situation. Very public, messy divorce. Had to pick up the pieces and start fresh. And I'll tell you what. Literally the last thing in the world I wanted to do was have another relationship and have another baby.

That is crazy. And they're both adults and all that shit. Do what you want. Best of luck. I feel bad for his ex-wife. She went into rehab as well for her own issues. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, she had eating disorder issues.

Went in during their divorce. And then he dates a superstar and has a kid. I'm sure they had discussions about maybe having their own kids. He said no. It's something he brings up literally every special. It's like in Ted Lasso when then the dickhead owner has kids with the new like jump off when he never wanted to have it with the original yeah it's like it's like the shittiest thing you know shittiest feeling i mean that is a that's a tough one man

can you can you do me a favor can you go grab keith because i want to know i almost don't know if we can do this to her i called her this morning she is distraught really she yeah i'm gonna go get her but i want to know what i can do this to her. I called her this morning. She is distraught. Really? Yeah. Go get her. But she is out of control. I want to know why there's the obsession with John Mulaney. And I'm a huge John Mulaney fan. She is obsessed with John Mulaney. I think he's very funny.

But he's like the only comedian in the world who is – and I guess it's because we talked about it off air a little bit where you're saying people have a train wreck. But it was even before he was a train wreck that people like love him like it was like it's been like two or three years but I mean

it's a successful comic very successful comic but like there are no other comedians who are as beloved and like women fawn over him are you talking about

women specifically women specifically okay not just like because I'm like you know Bill Burr and Dave Chappelle

like people love those guys they love them but like I couldn't tell you anything about Bill Burr's personal life like people know John Mulaney's dog name, and they know his wife's name.

People love John Mulaney. And I like him. He's one of my favorite comics. He's fucking hilarious. But I don't understand why he became such a celebrity. What I don't understand is definitely the sex appeal. No shade to John Mulaney, but Kelly being like, oh my god.

I'll suck his dick every day until I'm dead. What? That guy? I don't know. He's a handsome man. Yeah, totally. I mean, I certainly understand if it's like he's smooth and like a good talker and humorous.

I get all that. But even that, I don't know, his type of comedy where he's got that Hello, Queen. He said, go get Keegs, and what did I say? I legitimately was like, no, don't. I don't know if she can handle this. She's distraught right now. Do you know what this is about? Of course I know. What do you think? Why is he upset?

Why do you like John Mulaney? I said this three times. I want to clarify again. I'm a big John Mulaney fan. I don't understand why he's, A, such a celebrity. Because no other comics are a celebrity like him. Okay. And, B, why do girls want to fuck him so bad? Is it...

He's not ugly, and he's very funny. So I guess I just answered my own question in a sense. Yeah. But, B, it does seem to be kind of extreme. It feels a little critical by you to act like you don't know why everybody loves John Mulaney. Why? He's because he – okay. I wish I had a little bit of time to prepare just to explain exactly how much I love him.

He's one of those people that he started his stand-up when he was really young and he was kind of like – he was self-deprecating but he was also really cute and really relatable to a lot of people in a way of like i talk shit about my parents and i'm fuck religion and whatever but not in a way where it was obnoxious and so i really liked him then he was just so fucking funny all the time and he was super cute and then he has like all kinds of weird stories that he would throw out there every once in a while about how he like was a bad boy so it was like oh okay this guy like he drinks like he can Wayne when you just said that. Yeah, well.

Oh, okay. We're one in the same. You know, he used to drink. He used to do drugs. I definitely think when he came out and then when he relapsed, I didn't know that. Yeah.

So when he came out with not an alcoholic, that to me was like, oh, whoa, the squeaky clean guy is a bad boy. And I think that that's why a lot of people say that now. But in his new, people have been paying attention all along.

I've been singing his song for how many years at this point? In his very first special, the New In Town one, he talks about how he used to drink and then he drank too much and now he can't drink anymore. And that's like the line. But I always fucking resented that bit. Because I was like, you're just describing high school partying. No, but there was more. He was downplaying the situation but if you read into it if you read into it

if you read into it he drank when he was like a kid like he would drink like his dad's drinks his parents he was like an alcoholic from when he was 12

he was stealing cigarettes smoking them like he was a bad kid growing up when we talk about college when he graduated college he's like I smoked cocaine the night before

yes like shit like that so he was like out of control I mean I like that I like that he's un so he was like out of control I mean I like that I like that he's unassuming you like that girl you like that

I like that it's unassuming it's a surprise I'm assuming and he's really funny and he's charismatic and he's cool and he's adorable and whatever

and like he just was always he just I don't know something about him has always drawn me to him well listen to this he becomes I almost wrote this in my blog today

about this but I didn't wanna I'm very hesitant to talk shit about now that there's like a baby involved i get a little weird about it i'm like you know what whatever like fuck i mean obviously fuck olivia munn but like whatever yeah but if she can if she can step on a marriage and manifest her way into a relationship and knock get knocked up by john mulaney um i might start i mean i'm a great step mom probably like who knows who knows olivia watch your fucking back literally if it's free world it's free world was clearly like super weird about being obsessed with

with millennia she emailed him she met him at no no she met him at seth meyer's wedding this would happen she met him at seth meyer's wedding in 2015 he just also in this interview that he did with seth meyer's last night he said this met her there She emailed him after the fact to be like, it was great meeting you. Like, would love to hang out again. He was there with his wife. His wife of seven years. She said, great meeting you. Would love to meet with you, whatever. And then told everyone in her circle of friends and his that she was obsessed with him and, like, wished that she

could date him. To the point where it was, like, weird. And everybody was like, okay, well, he's fucking married, so what's the deal? And then that was, like, as soon as he was single, she was like The minute she was single. So he He laid out the timeline he laid out the timeline. He laid out the time. I listened to this timeline. And again,

it's, there's a baby involved, whatever. Timeline is September of last year. He goes to rehab. He gets out in October. He goes back to rehab in December. No,

went back to rehab in December, out in February. April time, goes to LA, meets Olivia Munn, pregnant, what, weeks later? Have you seen the picture of her? It was sent to me over the weekend, and I got really

upset, and you can't say this bitch looks pregnant, especially because the New York Post didn't say she's pregnant. It was like, Olivia Munn steps out without her boyfriend, John Mulaney, and it's her looking literally six months pregnant. That's the most pregnant bitch I've ever seen in my life. But I couldn't say shit, and I was like, they're gonna have to announce it now. Like, she's so obviously pregnant,

there's no way that they could ignore it. Three days later, he's on Seth Meyers talking about it. She goes, if John Mulaney ever just, like, happens to fall on my lap, I will have to tell him, like, listen, I've been creepy as fuck. That's what I'm saying! Like, if she did that, which maybe she did! She still got, like, you know, she's... Olivia didn't stop planning, I'm not stopping planning.

You're saying there's a chance there might be there literally might be a chance at all times but no it's kind of it's kind of ridiculous it's kind of insane the way that John Mulaney was talking about it

in this interview with Seth Meyers is that he seems to be excited he seems to be doing well whatever that's all fine blah blah blah blah blah he talks about how Olivia saw makes me want to barf

I can't even talk about it talks about how she like held his hand through like one of the hardest times in his life and whatever. But OK, yeah, no, that's lovely. But she's not lovely.

Like she's not. Why are we pretending like she's some like savior who came in and helped him during his bullshit? I find it lovely. OK, well, I'm sorry. Were you there when she ripped apart the Rogers family? Because Jordan Rogers told us all about that and we ignored him. We're like, Jordan Rogers, you're just jealous of your brother Aaron.

Like nobody gives a fuck what you're talking about. Turns out, she ripped apart their family. And Chris Pine. What happened with that? That weird fucking PowerPoint that she made for him. Everybody thinks it's so hot. It was weird. It was weird.

She's a weirdo. She's a freak. That's fine. Be a weirdo. Be a freak. Just be a weirdo and a freak and admit, hey, I was obsessed with John Mulaney, and I trapped him with his baby. Just saying.

Just saying. Is there an earthquake happening? Maybe. Fingers fucking crossed. Like, bring this shit down on my head. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of this. I wouldn't call him William.

You still haven't answered my question. It's just because he used to drink, and he's handsome? No, no. It's just that he's great. What's bad about him? Like, I thought I listened to all the great things about him. Nothing's bad about him, but it's just like, and I guess maybe that's why most comedians are kind of like...

Average guys? Like, regular. He's a little more put together. He stands out a little bit. I don't even think he's that put together. That's the thing. He's not really that put together. On stage.

On stage, he wears a suit. That's probably what it is. That's it. He wears a suit on stage. That's it. But he's presentable on the outside, so he's a handsome guy to have. You're on his arm, but also he's got a little bit of drama. Also, his jokes are smart.

I mean, you like him. Why do you like him? My argument isn't anti-John Mulaney. It's just like I've never seen a comedian who's like— I just don't get it. This bitch is trying to go to shows. All of a sudden, he's like, what's so great about John Mulaney? What?

No, no, that's not my point. That's not my point. I keep adding the fucking qualifier that I'm a huge John Mulaney fan. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't fucking sound like it, John. I've never seen a comedian who is basically just a comedian. Yeah. And have such celebrity power.

Like, he's on, even before his breakdowns, he was on page six all the time. He's like, look, John Mulaney's in the Knicks game. Like, that doesn't happen to other comedians. He's a comedian who has several, did you see Bill Burr doing shit in the news? Like, he's like John Mulaney's in the Knicks game like that doesn't happen to other comedians he's a comedian who has several did you see Bill Burr doing shit in the news like he's a comedian

he has all kinds of shows not really I guess maybe I mean what else has he been in that's what I say he has a bunch of specials I do think there are

comics who are very popular he's also a writer for like other things like he wrote for SNL for a long time like he's been around the block everybody in in that area

like knows who he is I think that he has like famous enough friends that he is now by proxy very famous and so whenever he comes around once you start dating and now forget it now also his thing was very his all of his shit going to rehab all that was very public that was i would say the first time i really saw him i don't agree with you on that i don't think i saw john laney much in public like this until he went to rehab. It's been to another level, but yeah, he was on page six a lot. For what? For being in a Knicks game, being in a Rangers game.

John Mulaney's out in the town. I guess. You know what's bullshit, by the way? What? This news is overshadowing Britney. It is overshadowing. I hadn't even thought about Britney one time today. And that's unfortunate because I've been thinking about Britney a lot lately. You know what Britney is right now?

Aliens. You know who Britney is? Everybody was clamoring to free Britney the same way they were all about their aliens. And then we were like, okay, here's the aliens. And everyone's like, here. Britney's free, basically. And everyone's like, okay, whatever. John Mulaney's fucking, I'll leave you in mind.

Nobody cares! You know who else is Britney right now? Who Britney is? I was talking about it earlier Farrah Fawcett what do you mean oh yeah died the same day

as Michael Jackson everybody forgets about it big time Farrah Fawcett did they died the same day yeah news cuck I don't know why

we were talking about that earlier but yeah news cuck I don't know I think that John Mulaney didn't quite get the amount of attention that he did until this I think that his special

that came out if you were you know fancy and lucky enough to see it like I was at City Winery yeah he's got a whole new bitery he told all the story yeah he does but all the stories that he told there he's now like saying on this interview a little bit with Seth Meyers he's talking about

his intervention he talks about rehab like whatever it's all no like with a straight face like this is just not normal it's not normal this is a crazy set of circumstances and a timeline of events to just be like, and we're having a baby. And he did like kind of talk to it by explaining it. But it's like, but even still, it's crazy. Even if you like admit to it, it's just like, like the follow up question from Seth Meyers. He's like, I'm happy for you, man.

And it's like, I get it, you're friends. What else are you going to do? But like, if we're, if you want to keep it real that the reaction would be like are you fucking nuts that's what I was saying to you this morning I said I was like I'm trying to put myself

if it were one of my friends like not somebody that I'm just like obsessed with on the internet like if it were my friend he would just go like well if it makes him happy that's

I feel like you have you have no choice but to do that like I wouldn't want to do that I would definitely be talking shit on the side text but I would in my to my person's face

see I don't even in the side text because I'm always scared of side text, you're going to become not side text. Nah. So even in side text, I'd be like, look, man. I'm very selective about my side text. It's not what I do, but I'm happy for Kevin. It's just, not even that.

That's not enough. It's not what I would do, but I'm happy for him. No, it's like, hey, this is fucking crazy, but I guess, whatever, there's a baby involved now, so we have to be happy about it. Like, that's my answer. Yeah, to me, it's like, oh, you know. If it were my friend. It's like, oh, you know, I don't know. I wouldn't do black tar heroin, but's my answer yeah to me it's like oh you know my friend it's like oh you know i don't know i wouldn't do black tar heroin but if it

makes him happy yeah no we should be stopping your friends from doing destructive things it just seems it just seems wild you know what's crazier you know what the wildest thing is if john mulaney were to break up with olivia munn and start dating kelly he would get even crazier no it'd be amazing though that would be amazing and honestly, stepmom is the ideal situation. Stepmom is the ideal, I think. You want to be a stepmom with Olivia Munn's kid? She would eat you alive, bitch. I mean, baby.

She would eat you alive. Let's not just count me. That's what I'm saying. I'm literally learning right now. You are fucking talk crazy. I'm learning how to read witch cards in my house for fun. Like for fun. No one asked me to do this.

I'm just doing it for fun. So, yeah. So relax. No, I'm literally doing that, Kevin. I'm learning the tarot deck. Dude, Keegs. I think Keegs is like the only person I follow on TikTok. So when I upload my stupid TikToks every morning, there's always one of Keegs.

It's me. And it's just Keegs there in like a black gown with candles and cards. It is. No bullshit. That's my new shit. Hey, thanks for paying attention to it, Kevin. Thanks for supporting my career.

I appreciate that. Bro, you want to talk crazy? You want to talk fucking crazy? Dude, Olivia Munn would walk in like fucking Ramsey Bolton's dogs. Keegs would be in there. Go ahead Open the gates bitch Open the fucking gates

I'm so upset I'm mad at you I'm mad at you For discounting me I'm mad at you for that That's unfair It's like she's you With like money

And a team And power and stuff Yeah but then I could get a money And a team And power And then I'll be A stellar stepmom

Go do it Maybe I will Get on that Maybe this is a push that I needed. Fuck's sake. For fuck's sake. Life is over. Life is over.

Thanks for having me. You fucking lunatic. I said to her earlier, I was like, I think Olivia Munn's one of those hot chicks who fucks and is crazy and she goes,

oh, I know. I know. I get it. Wait, wait. Before you leave, I have a question. Yes. I'm going to say two words.

Okay. You let me know if you know what they mean. Oh. Yes. I'm going to say two words. Okay. You let me know if you know what they mean. Oh, okay. I'm nervous. Me? Oh, no. Film this. Oh, no.

Oh, no. I hate when you guys do this because it's going to be something gross. Oh, yeah. I'm going to look like an asshole because I'm going to know it. And I'm going to look like a dickhead. It's not just like gross, but it's like. What is it? Gape gloves.

Okay. I think I actually, if we put bets on it, if we put bets on it ahead of time, I think I would have said Keith's would have gotten it. What are you guys doing here? Do you think more people know gape gloves than not? Like I was saying that. No, I think it's a very select few. Okay, that's what I say.

I was saying I think a lot of people are vanilla with their's what I say Because he I was saying You're talking about it All the time I think a lot of people Are vanilla with their sex And their porn Oh oh I'm sorry And we think it's normal Speaking of

A great example of people Are vanilla with their sex The other day We were recording Because we got high I said to Rhea and Brie What the fuck was it It was something like

Shit Some kind of porn People were looking up And I was like yeah People look up that porn All the time And it was like A gross fucking porn

I gotta think of it Like two girls look up Sort of thing Something a gross fucking porn I gotta think of it. I got a girl look up sort of thing something like that. Yeah Fuck I think of it, but I said it. Oh wow I said it and she said that she came out you guys were not around and that she came out and was like oh would you? Guys be into this never he was like no what the fuck is she talking about and I was like it was like It was like if a girl wanted to spit your cum back into yes Thank you. Thank you. Yeah it was like if a girl wanted to spit your cum back into your mouth. Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you.

You were looking that up all the time, snowballing? I was like, people like that. I was like, people are into that. That's called snowballing. There it is. I think I said that in the act, and I think... Somebody called in or something being like, oh, this guy wants me to spit his cum back in his mouth. I was like, yeah, some people are into that.

And the girls were like, wait, really? That's a thing? I was like, yeah, it's like a porn topic. It's like a popular thing. She went out, tells everybody. I was like, yeah, some people are into that and the girls were like, wait, really? That's a thing? I was like, yeah, it's like a porn topic. It's like a popular thing. She went out, tells everybody. Everyone's like, what the fuck?

I was like, if John and Kevin were around, they would know. They would say. You guys weren't. You weren't there to back me up and I look like an asshole.

It was Rhea, Brandon Walker, KB, Owen, Dukes. Yeah. Right? Rudy.

And I was not there to explain myself. So Rhea pulls me in and she's like, I have a question for you. I'm like, I don't know where this is going because I don't even know.

I was like, what is this panel of people? And she goes, okay, you're with, she said it's so funny too, she's like, you're with a fine-ass woman. You're with a fine-ass woman. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, go proceed. She's like, okay, you come in her mouth. And I was like, oh boy, we're really doing it. I was like, I'm used to this in my show. I'm not used to this on

your guys' shows. And she wants to spit that cum back into your mouth. Will you do it? Now, I know that I will write – we've talked about this last week, two weeks ago. I'll write any check in the middle of the action and then I can't catch it. Because once I've cum, which I have done into her mouth, I'm out. So I could be telling you in the moment, okay, you're going to do it back, right? And then when I do it, I'm like, never mind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I said no immediately, and then it kind of became like, I mean, Brandon Walker wouldn't even have the discussion. He was like, I'm so surprised he's not in the room. I was like, there's no, I can't be in the room. He said, I don't want to be in the room right now. And then everybody else was a no, and then my man Rudeboy,

me and him were maybes. Because at the end of the day, like, would I want to? Like, really, no. I will do, like, literally anything in bed. Yes. At least once I'll try everything. That one I don't see much appeal to. But if a really hot chick wants to do anything, I'm down.

But then, but, but I don't really want to. But me and Rudy were like, but I can't be convinced to but me and Rudy were like but I can't be convinced to do anything. My argument was this. My argument was this. I said I was like in the heat of the moment

it's happening quick. Like you come in her mouth and she spits in your mouth. It's probably within like a few are you whatever but you say right now like I just came so.

I've seen her very deliberate. It's like you know. Well. If there's not a camera. Those happen with cake puffs on. If she just pops up and she's like that dinosaur from Jurassic Park. I didn't know it was coming. I mean, like, I don't know.

It was a slow, deliberate make out afterwards. I envision it as a fast-paced situation where it's like you came in my mouth and I'm turning around and be like, oh, yeah? Listen, you want to sneak attack me with cum? I don't think it's a sneak attack. I don't think it's a sneak attack. I think it's something you have to discuss. Once I've cum, I'm not going to be feeling that. If I could somehow keep that mentality.

You're not going to get lost in it for like 30 seconds? I don't think so. 30 seconds is a pretty fucking long time. It wouldn't be my idea, but if a hot chick told me to do it. That's the thing. That's also why I was like, oh, you think a girl's lying naked on top of you and she's like, I'm going to spit your cum back in your mouth? You're going to say no. I might do.

Excuse me, ma'am. We've all seen lowering the bar. Things might go haywire pretty fast. Yeah, I mean, when we drink like thick water, he's like, it's like cum.

Pussies. I don't think real cum is going to go good. All right, you spit my cum back in my mouth, I'll puke on you. Then Rhea goes,

have any of you guys ever tasted your own cum? Immediately the whole room, no! Liars. Liars. No. Jukes was literally like, no. Liars.

No. Like, get the fuck out of here. Room full of liars. Room full of liars. Fucking gay boys. What a bunch of gay losers saying they haven't tasted their own cum. We're not lying. Get out of here.

We just need honesty. We need honesty in this house. For real. Just cum clean. Literally. Cum clean. All right. I'm leaving.

Get out of here. A lot of cum conversation. Bye. Thanks for having us. Cum clean. The incomparable Kelly Keeks. Shout out to her. Go listen to her on Because We Got High.

Oh, speaking of that. And Bachelor Party and all that shit. I got to go on Because We Got High today. I and all that shit. I gotta go on Because We Got High today. I gotta write a joke. Yeah. Are you doing it too? You know who's gotta do it?

Jackie, you write a joke? I know. I didn't know that we had to write one. Oh. You're just gonna tell a joke? Well, I don't... Yeah, they just said

tell a joke and then said that you had to write one. Oh, boy. I was thinking of getting a right one. I don't know how to do that. Like a classic joke? I've never written a joke in my life.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, that's where you are. I was doing two hours. I'm really up against it. Actually, one hour. You know what you do? You gotta get a real solid dad joke that just, everyone just kind of goes like, dad joke, and they chuckle and they laugh and it gets a little I actually heard this one this weekend. Hit me. When does a joke become a dad joke that just everyone just kind of goes like ah ha dad joke and they chuckle

and they laugh and it gets a little I get it I actually heard this one this weekend hit me when does a joke become a dad joke when it becomes apparent there you go

see that's fucking good dad jokes are fire dad jokes are fucking dope man they're fucking the pinnacle of comedy if you ask me one of the greatest things ever dad jokes are fucking dope man they're fucking the pinnacle of comedy if you ask me one of the greatest things ever dad jokes uh this is the this will be the the closest episode to

september 11th that we have um and i i memorialize this moment on every year from here on out i'll do it on on the kevin clancy show i talked about, Bill Morrow, the man who bowled a 300 on 9-11. I think the greatest American of all time. I think this story needs to be up there with the red bandana and all the other tales of 9-11. The interview that he once did is spectacular, John. He did an interview? This guy hunted him down. Got to him in 2018

And his wife Picked up the phone and was like They got us Like she said he was like for 17 years I've been waiting for this Like she knew one day it would happen He worked at a paper mill And he was like yeah there was no

There was no TVs Like at work I was like what? I guess like if you work in some sort of paper factory. Yeah, 2001, man. You weren't getting push-notes. He's like, but we had a radio, and so we listened to that. And then he goes, I got home.

I went to work. I got home around 3.30. I ate supper, and I went – he goes, 6.30 was practice. 7 o'clock was league. And they were like, they didn't – you know, like they didn't – Bowling people are fucking nuts. You're not canceling the games on 9-11. Where was this?

It's southwestern Massachusetts. Greetingburg? Southwestern Massachusetts. I don't know shit about western Massachusetts. It's a different shit. And he was like, yeah, they didn't cancel, so we all showed up. And then he stopped bowling. He said he hadn't bowled in like 12 or 13 years.

And they said, why? And he goes, because of the facilities. It's like if it's not up to par, he's not doing it. Not the harrowing memory of bowling during our country's greatest terrorist attack in history. What I just love so much about it, and I said this on the other podcast, if you were to hook that guy up to a polygraph or give him some truth serum and you were like, what's the greatest day of your life? There's a chance his answer would be September 11, 2001.

Like give me your Mount Rushmore. It's like when I was married, when I had kids, the day that I, like, retired, and 9-11, 2001. I don't think you need to give him fucking a truth serum. I think he's just like, man, 9-11, 2001 was a pretty great day. I mean, you know that. Like, there was a bowling alley TV that had, like, the smoldering wreckage in the background with a live shot in New York.

Matt Lauer was crying. And you know that him and his buddies were like Yeah! Yeah! Like picking him up like cheering, high-fiving every single time those pins fell. Yeah! Like on the darkest day in modern American history. It's the

greatest story ever told, man. He's out there fucking going for his last strike. Be a hero, be a hero, babe. Be a hero. Meanwhile, firefighters are fucking pulling back rubble, looking for bodies. He's like, be a goddamn hero, Greg. But you know what? You know what?

What's his name, Greg? What was it? Bill. Bill Morrow. I bet if you asked some of those first responders who were on the scene pulling bodies out of rubble, like, what do you think of Bill Morrow bowling a 300 on 9-11? That's 7 p.m. They'd be like, fuck yeah, man.

Like, you know, nothing he could have done. Terrorists weren't going to ruin my day. He said that, though. He goes, Rudy Giuliani said, America's not going to stop their way of life. I didn't stop mine. Fuck yeah. Osama didn't stop Bill Morrow, not for 10 hours, John. Not for, like, a single minute did Bill Morrow's life change because of 9-11. Fuck yeah. Osama didn't stop Bill Morrow, not for 10 hours, John. Not for like a single minute did Bill Morrow's life change because of 9-11.

Fuck you. The thing is, the whole goddamn story is that he had dinner at 3.30. I know. He had supper at 3.30. He had supper with, you know, he didn't have his HelloFresh. That's the problem. He had to eat whatever was thrown on the table there at whatever hour. But with HelloFresh, he could have made his own meals in 20, 30 minutes.

He could have chose from a wide variety of menu selections he could have chose for a wide variety of diet selections you have like keto and you have vegetarian and you have this you have that uh he could have picked a family meal if he has him and his kids he could have picked it just for him and his wife oh wait it's wednesday let's pick next week's meals for john let's do it next week next week's because i'm back on my hello fresh a hello fresh. When I was in Jersey and stuff like that, I paused it all. This is like next week tonight or whatever. What's that show called, John Oliver? This is next week's meals today. Yeah.

Yeah. So, okay. So, we got. All right. Here we go. Trout now. Oh, sirloin au pouvoir and garlic herb shrimp. Au pouvoir.

Au pouvoir. Hey, you fucking Jersey shrimp. Au pouvoir. Au pouvoir. Fucking Jersey Jerry. Hurricane Idea. Au pouvoir. Is that like a – what language is that? I'll speak a different language. It's French. Yeah.

Prosquiddo wrapped chicken. It's prosciutto. Okay. That scared me for a quick second. I was like, wait a second. All right. Let's see. Arthur Ave pork sausage.

Aren't you an Arthur Ave guy? Yes, but pork sausage. Arthur Ave pork sausage Aren't you an Arthur Ave guy? Yes but pork sausage Arthur Ave pork sausage and pepper heroes Listen my rule is if you hear Arthur Ave anything food related You eat it Put it on the list Arthur Ave is like the most delicious fucking stretch of restaurants In America if you ask me

We should go to the real Arthur Ave Meatloaf Maybe do some meatloaf? Meatloaf. Meatloaf. Oh, Buffalo Rich Chicken Sandos. That sounds good too. Meatloaf needs a new PR team.

Meatloaf needs an entire rebranding. The word loaf cannot be in there. We've been saying this forever. It's so good. It's so versatile. It's a classic. You do it with a little ketchup on the side. You do it with some mashed potatoes.

So fucking good. You have it on a sandwich the next day. You do a little cold. You put some mayo on a sandwich and put that on there. Have a cold meatloaf sandwich. Amazing. But everyone hears meatloaf and they think of like the cafeteria or like prison food. It's not that, bro.

At least not my mom's. Maybe your mom's a shitty cook. My mom's a fucking fire. Yeah. So you can get all these meals. You can get 12 of them for free when you go to HelloFresh.com. No. Guess what?

I lied. It's 14. HelloFresh.com slash KFC14, I believe is the code. Promo code 14. And you get that shit. You get 14 free meals, John. That is, it keeps going up. It went from 10 to 12 to 14

when you go to hellofresh.com slash kfc14 and then use code kfc14 you get 14 free meals plus free shipping which means a lot in the box with all the weights and with all the ice cubes all that shit we gotta clarify it's 28 free meals right because it's free meals for two people they're double meals so the 28 free meals we do this every it's free meals for two people. They're double meals. So 28 free meals. We do this every time. Times, let's say, 30. Wait, hang on. Sorry.

28 times. It always comes down to $750. And he's like, it's basically $1,000. $35. $980 this time. Basically $1,000. There it is. If you fucking.

Because everyone gets about $30, $35 to order food. That's what it always is. Right. No matter what. No matter what. About this. With a delivery charge. It's what it always is. No matter what. No matter what. About this. With a delivery charge, it takes you 45 minutes

every time. You can cook it faster. This is a $1,000 promo code. $980. It's the greatest deal in podcast history. 1 to 8 free meals. It is a no brainer.

No brainer. It makes it as simple as possible. And I appreciate that in my life. As I'm becoming an older dad, the only thing I want in life is just like things to be possible. And I appreciate that in my life. As I'm becoming an older dad, the only thing I want in life is just things to be easy. And this weekend, I went on a little crusade for my little baby girl. She started kindergarten today, bro.

Yikes. She's in school with eighth graders now. What? K through eight. K through eight? That's crazy, man. That's too much. That's big.

That's what I said, bro. It's like, I know what some people in 8th grade were doing. I was a loser, so I wasn't doing it. But I know what some girls and guys were doing in 8th grade. I was K through 5, 6 to 8. Yeah, this is a Catholic school. It's K through 8. It's like, she's going to be in this cafeteria with a 14-year-old?

I don't know if I like this that is nuts fucking nuts a bunch of Shane Gillis fucking no no I don't like that my baby girl's all grown up cafeteria with 8th graders but they

they they they sent this like care package home to get ready for school and they said they said something called ready confetti

which was a really actually very nice cute thing it was this little pouch to get ready for school. And they said something called Ready Confetti, which was a really actually very nice, cute thing. It was this little pouch with confetti in it. And they said, you put this under your pillow at night, and it gives you sweet dreams. So it was for, like, I guess a lot of kids maybe get scared of kindergarten because this is a preemptive attack. Like, if you're having bad dreams, you're having nightmares, put this under your pillow.

Shay really wasn't. She's good to go. She's like, fuck it, I like school.'re having nightmares put this under your pillow she really wasn't she's good to go she's like fucking i like school but she wanted these this pouch under her pillow and she loved it she like with looking forward to bed every night she's like do you have my do you have my stars there's a little stars there so dad where are my stars and um then they moved this past weekend and in move. Somebody threw the stars out. And I. I mean she was so into this. And I went into like full blown dad mode.

I was like I gotta replace the stars. And I went on this quest. To find. A pouch and some stars. And I don't know where to go. To find a fucking drawstring pouch. You know. So I had to run the gauntlet of Michaels and home goods and the Hobby Lobby and the Dollar Tree or whatever. Joanne's Fabric, maybe?

John, when I go to those places, I want to absolutely kill myself. I don't think I've ever been to any of these places. Dude, Michaels was insane. Michael's is like a warehouse of other people's garbage. It's just stuff everywhere. There was a whole aisle dedicated to birdhouses. What? Aisle 89, too, by thehouses. What?

Aisle 89 too, by the way. 89? Because it was like two on each thing. So it was like 40 aisles, but technically like 89 somehow. It all added up. I was like, there's 89 aisles in this joint. A whole aisle of birdhouses.

How are birdhouses so in demand that there's a whole fucking aisle for them? And then next to the birdhouse aisle was shapes. It just said shapes. And it was just wooden shapes. Here's a triangle. Here's like an S. To serve what purpose? John?

I don't know. Like, by shapes, do they mean letters? Like, it was some kind of looked like an S-shaped squirrely thing. But a lot of them were just like,shaped squirrely thing but a lot of them were just like here's a square here's a circle here's a i don't i don't know and then there was all of this this random shit that's like i was like can you point me to the nearest bullshit aisle where there's just absolute garbage here it's crazy and and then i found a pouch no i found the stars first because they did find like an arts and crafts that made sense to me like confetti little sticker stars whatever

okay got the stars uh and at one point i was walking around i'm filming for instagram and this little old lady goes do you need help and mostly because i was filming but also because i'm an idiot i was like no i'm good i kept walking and i was like i absolutely need help and mostly because i was filming but also because i'm an idiot i was like no i'm good i kept walking and i was like i absolutely need help of course i need help maybe this is the one thing in the world i've needed the most help with in my entire life where to find a fucking mesh pouch for confetti and uh and i couldn't find her i had to talk about the old lady no she disappeared and i kept walking around just a ghost that's what i was thinking i was like was this a figment and I couldn't find her. I had to talk to my... Did you find the old lady? No, she disappeared, and I kept walking around.

She's just a ghost. That's what I was thinking. I was like, was this a figment of my imagination? She was killed in a fucking arts and crafts accident years ago and has been haunting a Michael's ever since. You said no. She would have fucking killed you.

I found... Wrapped you up in fucking cardboard boxes. She points me to it with a hot glue gun and all the other fucking crafts they've got there. I finally found a white pouch and a yellow pouch. Shay's pouch was blue.

And I was like, I really want to try it. So I was like, all right, I got it. I have a fallback. I'm good. Then there's one person

at the register. And you think that would be okay on Labor Day at Michael's? 5,000 people in there. It was fucking insane. Yo, crafts don't sleep, bro.

Apparently. It's like motherfuckers need their shapes. Motherfuckers need their shapes. You think people who are regularly doing arts and crafts were busy out partying on Labor Day? You are fucking right. Labor Day, any holiday is one of the biggest arts and crafts days of the year because no one has any fucking friends. And they're like, this is a sad day for me. Like Christmas Eve? Oh, boy, they craft craft like a motherfucker there's tons of crafts going on

christmas because i'm depressed yeah so i get the i get the bag but i'm like i want to try my cat i did i want to try to get the blue one so i next door is home goods and home goods is the home of the baskets. There's just baskets. Miles for as far as the eye can see. Baskets on baskets on baskets, where it's like you got to get a big basket to put your little baskets in there, and then you have to have the tiny baskets to put inside the little baskets, and then you put all of that inside one gigantic. The amount of stuff that you buy at home goods

that you then also need to buy some sort of container at home goods for the stuff you just bought because you need to organize it at your home. Like, why not just not have this shit in your house? It's all in one giant warehouse of things you don't need and then the containers or the places to then store them rather than just not having this shit. And I see this woman – and and home goods didn't have the ac up i walked in you know usually when you walk into like any store it's like yeah that good ac walking by a store yes when you walk by an h&m in manhattan in the summer it's like it's like an oasis in the desert oh my god that burst of cold air and i was waiting for that i was like it was so hot i could taste home goods.

And this time I'm like I'm not even fucking looking around this joint. There was way too much going on there. And that place has like real furniture and shit. So I wanted to be like, all right, where's your garbage aisle? I need to find like your trash. And I walk up to this girl and I'm like, I need like a party favor bag, a little mesh thing. Put it in. Pull a little drawstring at the top.

I'm literally doing this. I'm trying to be cute. And she looks me in the eyes and she's like, nah, we don't have that. And I was like, I want it to be like, you're right. You don't, you're, you probably don't, but you just fucking lied to me. You didn't actually know you don't have them. It wasn't like a, oh, they're already sold out or like, oh, we know we didn't actually know you don't have them it wasn't like a oh they're already sold out or like oh we know we didn't order them it's not like you know what i'm talking about and you know for a fact you don't have them you just looked in my eye saw the struggle saw the crusade i was on

and told me like which i get definitely i would have done this kevin I did this the other day I lost my sunglasses and I called the bar I was at and guy call I call guy answers he's like hey I'm gonna look for you it's a great one put the phone down to say later no no he had over 12 minutes oh wow and just never came back oh I hung up call back I was like hey I think I got disconnected a different person answered and I say hey I think I get disconnected I think I left up here a black sunglasses there last night. And I was just wondering if you've seen him. And she goes, nah, I haven't seen him.

It was a woman this time. I was completely impressed. She goes, nah, I haven't seen him. And I was like, respect it. I was like, you didn't like, like, it was not even a shot. Like, didn't even consider pretending. Like, you got, put the phone down, stand there for 30 seconds, and go, nah, I'm not in the Lost and Fox Mound. Lost and found box.

Lost and Fox Hound. I got, quickly, before we get into M&A, so I have three quick, like, ordering food situations. Okay. First one, I call this place, I order a pie for lunch. Right now I'm on this kick. I get a white

pie with peppers on it. What are you saying pie? Pizza pie. I order pizza. kick. I get a white pie with peppers on it. What are you saying pie? Pizza pie. I order pizza. Yeah, that's a thing. I don't know. I got a pie with Mario. Just fucking suck my dick, alright? So I get a white pizza with peppers in it. And so I gotta order that like, you know, kind of separate.

So I call this place. And I ordered it at one o'clock and i just totally forget about it i i was like still moving the kids into the house i was going home totally forget about it dinner rolls around i haven't eaten i'm like oh i want i want that pizza i'm like oh wait a minute i fucking ordered a pizza like five hours ago in that scenario would you call up what would you do in that scenario? You probably just wouldn't go to the same store But if you wanted that same pizza, what would you do? No, I think I'd just call again

And would you just pretend you were a different person? Yeah I wouldn't use the same name Hey, it's Timmy You'd pick up? Yeah, I had to pick up Different name, easy So, I

Because it's a weird order I think they were going to know I, I think they were going to know. I got paranoid that they were going to know. And I was like, I don't really want to pay for two pies. So I said, hi, I ordered a pie earlier, but I just – I'm sorry. I totally forgot about it. It was almost like old school, like what do you recommend I do here? And they were just like, it's still here.

You can come get it. And I was like, I don't want that one. Well, that's like six hours old. And they were like – I didn't say that, though. I said, okay. And I said, can you throw it back in and just heat it up for me? Because then I'm also thinking, like, I reheat pizza that is a day old. I'm happy.

This is only a few hours old. So then I go, and I get it, and I walk back, and I open it up, and it's, like, black because they, like, cooked it well, and they cooked it again. And so the whole experience was ruined. So that's one scenario. That same place, I called the next day doing the same thing. They kept going, El Bacio, please hold. You know, sometimes they just, like, put you on hold, except they kept hanging up. The girl must have just been putting the wrong button.

So it was like click. And then I called back. And they were like, Obagio, click. And they did it like three times. And then eventually they were like, you know, like please hold. And I was like, you're hanging up on me. You're hanging up on me. Every time you're hanging up on me.

I was like, stop doing that. I mean, that was not your fault at all. No, but then now I'm like in a fight with them because I'm like, hang on. Don't push the button. You're pushing the wrong button. I'll hold. You hit the right one. She was like, I'll watch you.

Please hold. And I was like, I'll watch you hold the wrong button. You're holding the wrong button. Wrong button. And then my third one, I tell you the other day, I said, can I get chicken quesadillas? And he said, how many? That's a weird answer, right? That's a weird retort.

No. And so if you fucked with me, I felt like Trent with Tiger Woods, where are you guys stationed? I was like, one. And then I was like, cut up, like, two top and bottom, four triangles. I was like, you tell me, how many? What does the average number of people get? Like, are most people ordering several quesadillas here? Like, you know, the average is like four, but you only want one?

Okay, pussy. But I was just Like, you know, the average is like four, but you only want one? Okay, pussy. But I was just like, just order, please. And then somebody tried to say, like, well, it's a chicken quesadilla, dude. And it's like, yes, you're right. But, like, you don't go up and say, like, can I have taco? It's like, I want tacos, you know? And that is more of, like, how many because, like, there's, you know, you do I want tacos you know and that is more of like how many because like there's

you know you do get more than one but just because there's an S on the end doesn't mean it's automatically becoming a plural order right

you know I'd like taco please no it's just tacos quesadillas these are things that you order and I'm all alone I just want one

you freak you fucked with me I was like I got nothing dude that first place. How did they not eat the pizza? That's kind of what I expected. I figured someone in the kitchen.

I expected that. He hasn't picked it up. Let's just eat it, guys. That's totally what I thought. I was waiting for them to be like, you know, if I order another one, they're going to be like, okay, that's like $48 for both of these pies. All right. Anyway, am I the asshole time? It's brought to you by Revitalite. Revitalite for all your hydration needs,

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I was a naughty boy. I need a diapie. Store.barstoolesports.com to get your Revitalite today. We got two M&A assholes. Both completely originals. I'll go first. Here's the scenario.

There's a girl. She has an apartment. In this apartment, she has memorabilia. She's a very big sports fan. In her apartment, she has a ton of Trevor Bauer memorabilia. She's a very big sports fan. In her apartment, she has a ton of Trevor Bauer memorabilia. She's a fan from years gone by prior to all this shit. Big fan of him and the team. She's like a baseball nut.

Puts up the Trevor Bauer material. Trevor Bauer what team? The Cincinnati Reds. Okay. She invites a guy over. She's hooking up with him. He comes to her house. And I don't know when and how this occurred.

I don't know if it was a quick thing when she was in the bathroom, an overnight thing. At some point, he was in her house alone. Dude just throws out all the Trevor Bauer memorabilia. Who's the asshole? Let's start off by saying... Wait, hang on. Let's start off by asking who is this? Because you don't even have a paper or anything in front of you.

No, it was like a submitted story. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm not going to say her name, but I know who it is. You know who it is as in she was on Facebook, or you know it as in this is a friend of yours? No, yeah. I mean, I could – I'm not going to say her name, but I know who it is. Okay, okay. You know who it is as in like she was on Facebook or you know it as in like this is a friend of yours? No, yeah. It's a listener. Okay.

First of all, she's a psychopath. I want to begin with – Trevor Bauer pitchers. Trevor Bauer's the asshole to begin. Yeah. I'm going to say that. Trevor Bauer's an asshole. He's – by the way, like he's – no, nobody's really talking about that.

He hasn't played, right? No, he hasn't played. He's just spending him for one week at a time. Right, and that's why. Maybe that's smart. Maybe the Dodgers are doing it right because if he just had a 180-day suspension in the beginning, it would have been a big fucking deal. Yeah.

And they just let it trickle in to the point that nobody's talking about it. It's like on the ESPN bottom ticker, like, once a week. Like, the MLB has suspended his leave of absence until September 3rd. I think it's bothering me because I think what he did or allegedly did is shitty. So I'm like, I want justice, if you will. But the way they're doing it is smart PR because it's not a story. But also, it's actually crazy, too. Imagine he's on the Dodgers.

That's a crazy team. That's a crazy team. I think so. But I think the girls crazy because, like, try to imagine the Reds for one year, right? I don't think it was much. I think it was one. It was with the Indians and then the Reds.

Who likes someone that much when they play on their team for one season? I feel like it was two. Was it two? Because he did the shortened season with them, and then he didn't just do the shortened season with them, right? He definitely had a full season with them. I thought he was going on his LeBron shit doing one-year deals. He did 2019 and 2020.

2020, yeah. So the one year and then the shortened season. Okay. It's a little bit better, but like – You can't be so obsessed with a player in two years. I might have – I don't know if it was a lot. She just had some memorabilia. So maybe it was a jersey. It's a total of better, but, like, you can't be so obsessed with a player in two years. I might have, you know, I don't know if it was a lot. She just had some memorabilia. So maybe it was a jersey.

That's a total of 21 games for them. Yeah, that's not a lot. That's crazy. That's not a lot. To be like, I love this guy. I'm going to get posters and shit. So maybe she gets a jersey when, like, they got him. They acquired him.

They're, you know, pumped about that. He gets this Cy Young. So maybe she had, like, some Cy Young memorabilia. And let's say she had, like, Cy Young memorabilia and let's say she had like an autograph you know looks like there's three things yeah I like it's that also that that's still a little strange just because again he pitched 21 games yeah and like and it's the Cincinnati Reds so he was kind of like but no but in that time Trevor Bauer like wasn't even in the league according to me think about this though, though. If I got something Lindor when we signed him,

and then if he won an award this year, and then next year, I don't know, I somehow acquired an autograph or something. It's not crazy. It's not crazy, but it's a little something. But what is crazy is just going into someone's home and throwing out their

properties. Yeah. I'd make fun of it. I'd point it out. I don't know if I'd make fun of it. I'd explore. What's all this about? I would say...

You crack that egg of yours. Let me in. Let's see what that yolk's looking like. Let me say what I can unequivocally say is an asshole. If you fuck somebody while they're asleep and passed out because you choked them unconscious, say is an asshole. If you fuck somebody while they're asleep and passed out because you choked them unconscious, you're an asshole. Yep. If you... Yeah, fuck them in the ass.

If you punch them repeatedly, like, in the ass and the stomach and the face... Pussy, right? Punch the pussy? Pussy, like, to the point that they're bruising and, like, in pain and it's, like, beyond what they ask, you're an asshole. If you walk into someone's house and throw out their belongings, you are an asshole.

I also would say, if you prominently display the memorabilia of someone who is embroiled in the situation that Trevor Bauer's in, you're bordering on an asshole. Yeah. Because, like, nothing's been proven yet or whatever, but it's like, if I walk into your house and you have, like, an O.J. Simpson shrine, you're an asshole. Yeah. Nothing's been proven yet or whatever, but it's like if I walk into your house and you have an OJ Simpson shrine, you're an asshole.

If I walk into your house and you have a Ray Carruth jersey, you know who's an asshole? This is an easy one here. You know who's an asshole? Sports fans. Sports fans. Every sports fan thinks their guy didn't do it. Every sports fan is like, he's innocent. You know what? Beyond that, we're just stupid.

Like all the amount of arguing I've done about the Mets this year, I'm like, I'm literally wasting my life. This is a waste of my time. My precious time on this earth I am wasting by arguing about, like, how many games back the Mets are. I was like, what are you fucking doing with your life, Kevin? But yeah, it is all crazy. And they spend their money and they buy

a shirt because this guy wears that shirt on the field. What are you fucking doing? I hate when Captain Cons goes on his thing about not wearing another man's jersey. It's so fucking weird. But it's not because of the reasons he's saying. It's because of all the other reasons. It's stupid. It's like, why are we doing this that's it yeah they're expensive they look dumb

it's a uniform that you wear to do this job you're not doing it you're just fucking out over there stupid uh i think cons tried to to like there was a fight in the stands or something and like somebody really like beat the shit out of somebody and like got charged with something bad and he was like well you know he's wearing a jersey it's like yeah most people in the city was that like yeah it's a lot of events and that guy's just a bad person because he's a scumbag not because he's a fucking sportsman um so final answer he's the asshole but like i i think's the asshole. But, like, I think so. This is all in her living room.

I think living room is a tough place. Oh, okay. I think if you're going to display sports memorabilia, that's got to be in, like, your office or a man cave or a woman cave or a she shed. Wherever it is, it's just, like, in your living room, that's a lot. Yeah. That's a lot. I agree with that. All right.

Second M of the Asshole comes from Paz. Right? Oh, the train story? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So a girl had taken the train ride home yesterday, and this girl is just hysterically screaming, crying, like making herself throw up because her boyfriend broke up with her on the phone. And it went on for about 40 minutes, and I'm sitting right next to her, and she just didn't stop.

Has him on speakerphone. On speakerphone. Take it into the hallway, just sitting right next to me, just like, you can't do this to me. Throwing up, tears coming. Throwing up? Like, trying to make yourself start, like, in the trenches. And, like, I mean, I just stood there the whole time like this, like, scared to death. Bro.

I didn't know what to do. Bro, why didn't you move? Because she was blocking. There was another person to the right of us. It was, like, a three-person seat, and I was like, I don't know. When you're scared to death. Bro. I didn't know what to do. Bro, why didn't you move? Because she was blocking. There was another person to the right of us. It was like a three person seat and I was like, I don't even know.

When you're stuck, you're stuck. Yeah, fuck you. You wouldn't move. I think, no, if I just try to puke

sitting next to me, I think I'd be like, I'm gonna get out of here. You would be like, excuse me, get up. I gotta get out. No fucking way.

I'd probably, I'd probably just stand up on the seat, like step over. I'm out of here, motherfucker. Dude, this is the Kelly Keegs train breakup. Yeah. The speakerphone breakup is insane.

I just can't do this anymore. Like, I'm sorry. You know what he was saying? You're the type of bitch to put me on speakerphone on a train in public. You're fucking clearly delusional. If you put me on speakerphone at any point, my parents do it. I just hang up. My parents both want to talk to me at the same time.

I hang up. Because you can just hear the difference. It's different. My dad's yelling at me from across the room. I'm like, I can't fucking hear you guys. Just because it's speaker doesn't mean there's a microphone or something. Speakerphone is a great way to not be able to hear anybody. Yeah, nobody wins. Everybody loses. You cannot hear.

You know what? I think you can do a I think you do a iPhone speakerphone like this for some reason. The work Maybe if you're in a car. The work conference call, conference room speakerphone, echoing everybody sitting around that

fucking thing that looks like a little spaceship and there's like a delay there's like a pause kinda it's catastrophic it's so god damn dumb if you're not in the room you're not in the meeting shut up be fucking quiet and if you do gotta talk

deep throat that fucking speaker get up on that thing that looks like a spider talk into it when you're talking all the way over here in a big, you know, cavernous conference room with echoes, nobody can hear

a goddamn thing. It is. Speakerphone is one of the worst inventions of all time. People just walk around the streets of New York just doing that. Yeah.

People just walk with speakerphone. Yeah. It's crazy. It happens regularly. Or FaceTime. FaceTime, yeah. It's insanity.

Yeah, no. What is wrong with you? Psychopaths. Do you have no desire for privacy? Do you just go out and you're like I'm going to ruin everyone's day today I'm going to go out and I'm going to be a fucking nightmare

For everyone on 7th Avenue Because that's what I walk behind all the time When I'm going home or going to the office It's always on 7th Ave and you're all so goddamn fucking loud Just talk on the phone like a fucking person Or get a pair of headphones Like a fucking person in the current age Just

Just be normal Be normal person or get a pair of headphones like a fucking person in the current age just just just just be normal be normal like they people talk like this and then they fucking switch it to here they come like this what are you doing just talk on the fucking phone john it's just every answer to every question on this podcast always like like don't put people on speakerphone be normal don't break up with someone on a train and until you're puking in public be normal don't how long don't put people on speakerphone. Be normal. Don't break up with someone on a train until you're puking in public. Be normal. Don't post memorabilia of an alleged rapist. Don't throw out people's belongings.

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Just be normal. Nuts. But it also is funny, too, when you think of, like, alleged rapists and stuff like that. Like, if Bauer's in the league 10 more years, it'll be okay. Absolutely. Like, Kobe's everywhere. Kobe's a hero. You know what Bauer's got,ists and stuff like that. If Bauer's in the league 10 more years, it'll be okay. Absolutely. Kobe's everywhere.

Kobe's a hero. You know what Bauer's got, too. I like Kobe. I was a big fan. You know what Bauer has to do. Kobe's in that weird way. I don't know if I can say he's a fan. I'm a fan.

I also don't know if I can say I don't like him. It's kind of just like... I mean, everybody's a fan of Kobe. Mamba and all that shit. It's crazy how much... You know what Trevor Bauer has to do to get over this is die. Yeah. Trevor Bauer ends up dead somehow get over this is die. Yeah. Trevor Bauer goes

ends up dead somehow you know. Actually I don't know he really sucks. He does. I think people would be like yeah whatever. Yeah he like he was hated

beforehand. Yeah it's like nothing redeeming there. Voicemails today are brought to you by 3Chi. Pop some 3Chi. Hit the vape.

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Kids still saying mid? Is that even lame? I think that's old. I remember Tyler Trill's tweet. It was Marshawn Lynch slumped at – I don't think it was the ESPYs. I feel like he was at a bigger awards show than the ESPYs. But he slumped over on his phone, and Tyler just tweeted the picture with a quote. You still got that mid.

And that was like five years ago. A long time ago? Yeah. What about if I say something like, that three cheap pack's going up. We're about to smoke that three cheap pack. Something like that. Yeah, I'm in. Nah, Mike's like, nah, I don't know.

You know what I'm talking about? That's out too? Like it's going up? No, no. There's something about like, almost like when you're making fun of someone. Like I think I saw someone say it about Joe Rogan when he got COVID. Someone was like, that Joe Rogan pack. We're about to light up that Joe Rogan pack.

That's it. That's like a bad thing, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't get that one. I don't know what that means. I don't get it either. It's like when you beat somebody. Let's say the Knicks beat the Lakers.

The Knicks would say, I'm smoking on that Lakers pack tonight. Right. I don't know why, but okay. There's your lesson for the day. So three cheese, but okay. There's your lesson for the day. So I'm – so 3C is not mid. It's that fire pack that I'm about to smoke on and go up. Stonks! Stonks!

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You do get a buzz. It is the real deal. And you get that 5% discount when you use promo code KFC2021. Must be 21 or older to purchase and enjoy but please buy into the the gospel of three chi voicemails let's go we get a hit of that is that cauliflower there is it good hell yeah it's good to use my fingers yeah hey what's up it's uh colin from cincinn Cincinnati. I was just calling to give you guys a quick hypothetical. If you had to start a cult, what would it be formed around? And then just to throw in some extra pizzazz here, how about we add, if you had to pick one leader, such as Jim Jones, David Koresh, or Charles Manson, who would you pick for your cult? Yeah, thanks, Steve. I would start a cult based on fan sports coverage mixed with chicks, pop culture, viral videos, and anything men's lifestyle, and I would find like a five foot seven Jewish guy

from Massachusetts. That's my cult. I think it would do well. It's a pretty good cult. It's a pretty solid cult. I was going to say, do people have to fucking like cults? I mean, the examples he gave us are monsters. Can't we have a nice cult?

Yeah, why don't, like, cults need to rebrand. Well, you know what I mean? Like, there's, like, cults is just what we choose to call, like, scary religions. You know what I mean? Like, Judaism, Catholicism, all these, those are cults. Red Sox cult. Cults. All these things are cults. All fandoms are cults. Yeah. Because you are these, those are cults. Red Sox cult. Cults. All these things are cults.

All fandoms are cults. Yeah. Because you are. Political parties, cults. It's kind of what we were talking about earlier. We're like, because you're so deranged that you have to think that your guy's innocent. You're going to do it. You can't ever be objective.

I remember when Aaron Hernandez was, like, my, I, when it, this is like, like, literally, I still remember the call. I had just left the Milton office, and I was scrolling Twitter, and I called Dave. I was literally like, there's a right off Adams Street. There's a McDonald's. I'm not going to McDonald's. A Dunkin' Donuts, and there's Pat's Pizza. And you take that right.

It's how you got back to my house. And I remember taking that right with the phone ringing to Dave and being like, I was like, yo, you're saying Aaron Hernandez killed somebody. That's crazy. And Dave actually, I think Dave was like, oh, no, I can see it. I think Dave right away was like, no, I can see it. That's also different when it's like, I'm so shocked by the news. Yeah, it was immediate.

It's not like I believe in this team so much it's impossible. It's like, what? He's not a murderer. He's a fucking athlete. That one was pretty quick where I was like, oh, yeah, he might have done it. Right, right. That's a quick move. That one was pretty quick where I was like, eh, he might have done it. Right, right. That's a quick move. But there's plenty of people who don't.

We did it all. Like, back when steroids were a real faux pas, they were real bad. Everyone argued. My guy said, now I'm going to fuck sure. Maybe he did steroids. Or, you know, if you show me a positive test, I'm like, sure. I don't fucking care. What do I give a shit?

But there was a while where we had to. Bro, I mean, politics is the worst it's the craziest yeah it's like every you know your guy cheated your guy killed your guy voted against this for this like and you're like no no no it's like here's the fucking evidence like nope no the whole world just kind of falls into like what about ism where it's like yeah well what about your guy what about your guy though yeah yeah fucking no man what what do you think is the best cult the best cult nicest cult like because like you know like what what like catholicism is rooted in is good and then there's like is it crusades like the basic we get like like the ten commandments even though not even that no no it's the the there's the what's like the there's two. Not even that. No, no. What's like the two or three, the golden rule?

You know, it's like treat yourself as you treat others. And there's like, you know, it's like don't kill, don't like whatever, and treat others as you want to be treated. There's like a main thing. Do unto others as you would do to yourself, whatever. But also like that's bad advice for people like me. Yeah. I hate myself.

I should not treat people like I treat myself. I should be the worst treated person in my life by me. If I treated people like I treated myself, you guys would think I'm the biggest asshole in the world. That's bad advice. For most people on the planet, do unto others as you do to yourself is bad advice. It should be do unto others as you wish you did you i think i think that's what it actually is maybe as you but

yeah even then i like how i treat myself it's fucking bad but good you know naughty boy i think um i feel like buddhism or or Hinduism is pretty good. No, Taoism. We did this on Wonderful Confessions. Yeah, you're on your Tao tip. I'm on my Tao shit, kid. Anything that's got nirvana and peace and meditation that also doesn't have the crusades to mar their history.

But I don't know. I'm sure somebody in Buddhist history has slaughtered thousands of people. Fucking all the children. That was a bad one. Yeah, like that's what I mean. There's got to be some religion that's like, hey, yeah, we believe in all those things and we haven't raped and pillaged and killed

and, you know, decimated cultures. But I don't know. The problem is when you get a cult and you get successful, there's always people with power and money and they always do fucked up things. Yeah. So.

Yeah, I don't i think my cult would be i'm going to a subsect of your cult and it's based on self-hatred and we're doing it right now we're in church at the moment the chicken heads the chicken heads and we are the leaders yeah it sucks to be you i won't make you kill yourself. We are a cult of, like, phone, voicemail leaving, asshole talking, top five listing. Gap glove wearing. I am going to pitch that we sell gap gloves. Well, you know what we need to do? You know what would be really funny?

Is if we, this needs to be, like like undercover, so nobody talk about this. We need to like create a brand called like Gapé, you know? Gapé. Like G-A-P-E with an accent. And we need to like infiltrate, like this would take years, but like we need like the runways in Paris to be like, have you guys heard about this new New York designer, Gapé? Like, he has this avant-garde stuff that's amazing. Have you seen the gloves?

I heart Gapé. I heart Gapé gloves are the new must-have item of the winter. And then you have all these hoity-toity fucking fashion freaks running around in gape gloves. And then we're just like, gotcha! And we have our own fucking runway, our own fashion show, right?

Where we've got all gape clothes and everything. And the gape gloves are the number one thing. And then we have everybody sitting there and we're just like, let the show begin. And we put Mike Adriano on the big screen. And it's some girl holding open her ass with ga game gloves.

It's like, we did it! We punked you! It took 10 years and all of our money, but we got you with the gape gloves! I love this idea. I think a shirt that says gape might have to be in the works. This is my gape shirt. I wear this shirt on Gape day. Or just – or what is it?

Do you Gape? Can you make it wink? Can you make it wink for me? Nice voice, Will. Not Gape milk what up kfc fights nick jackie everyone uh got a question for you i want to get your thoughts on something so i'm normally not one of those people that like takes those crazy quote-unquote like conspiracies or just different weird thoughts people have.

I never really take those too seriously, but there's one that is just really fucking with my head. And obviously it's not true, but it, like, gets you thinking. The question was, what if rocks are soft and, like, squishy and pliable until they're touched. And that's like a defense mechanism is, like, hardening up so that nothing happens to them. Again, no, it's not true, obviously. But, like, what if it is? So my question for you, one, what are your thoughts on that? And two, what's, like, the most outrageous question of that kind of sword where it's like,

you know it's not true, but it kind of makes you think. What think what's like your favorite one of those or which one gives you the most thought well that's like the original birds are birds aren't what if rocks are the toys in toy story is that his question yeah yeah basically they they until human interaction well it's not it's not like that it's it's almost like because there are things in nature that's like you know yeah when you you camouflage yourself you put out your spikes. Like porcupines, they're soft until they're hard. Rocks are soft until they're hard. I'm just going to sneak up on every rock right now.

What about a mountain, though? It's like every step you take just keeps getting hard. Mount Everest is soft until every time you climb it. Mountains aren't rock, right? Yeah, they are rock, aren't they? Well, mountains are... Mountains are also... They're the plates. They're like plate tectonics. They're going up

like the pack I smoked. I don't even know... This is your world. I don't even know what one of those... Birds aren't real. This is your world. I don't even know what one of those. Well, like birds aren't real. Birds are government drones. I don't know. These ones are fun.

These ones are high thoughts. These aren't like conspiracy theories. These are like, you know, what ifs. What if? What if? There's got to be something going on with trees. Oh, proceed. Like, trees, man.

They grow. They grow these leaves and they just drop them all and grow them all over again. It just seems like a whole thing that I don't quite understand. Like, and I don't know what their conspiracy theory is here, but I just, trees trip me out a little bit. Like, when I found out, I think there's like 121 trillion trees or some shit like that. I was just like, oh, who gives a fuck about the rainforest? So many fucking trees. And like they would just be like everywhere if we didn't like cut them down and live in places and shit.

Right. Like the whole world would just be trees. I guess now because the whole world, but like, you know, deserts and shit, right? Like the whole world would just be trees? I guess. No. Not the whole world, but like, you know, deserts and shit don't have it, but like, I don't know. I'm talking like an idiot here. I'm not making sense, but there's just something about trees that fucking my head starts going and I'm just like. And trees think the same thing about us. Like, what's the deal with their hair?

It grows and then they cut it and it grows back. I do think about when they say that trees are a living thing. I know what they mean, but I'm like, what if they're alive? You're describing that happening. One of the most hated movies of all time. Of all time. That movie sucks. I only saw it once in theaters.

I didn't hate it. It was fun. Oh, no, it's terrible. It was. It's terrible. John. John. It's terrible. I saw it one time terrible. John. John. It's terrible. I saw it one time at the Jane...

I think Jane Pickett Theater in Newport. And it was fine. It was not fine. It's terrible. All the trees are poisoning us? Yeah. Yeah. What was the other one called?

Old, right? That was the one we talked about recently. I want to find out the fucking box office on that. Oh, it was old? Old. The beach one? Yes. I thought it was called like Time or something.

Is it? 87.3 million. That is about 80 million higher than I thought it was going to be. See, that's what's crazy to me. So, you know, I would have said that old was a massive failure for M. Night Shyamalan. It was $18 million to make and it made $87 million and probably still ticking.

Huge hit. Massive success. Like, I mean, not massive, you know, in the scope of movies. I mean, you made $70 million? That's what I mean. Like, in the scope of the world, huge success.

Maybe not, like, in the movie world, maybe you wouldn't categorize that as, like, a major hit, but it's like, this dude did something that produced $70 million of profit. Yeah.

Fucking awesome. Pretty good. Fucking incredible. Boy, did that movie look bad, though. I thought it looked interesting. I thought it looked interesting. That was well delivered. Have you watched the Megan Fox movie yet?

No. Fucking watch it. Why? Because I want you to. Have you told me to watch it yet? I've been telling everyone to watch this fucking Megan Fox movie where it's crazy, dude. I don't think you told me to watch it. I did.

I did. I told Bob Fox to watch it. He watched it finally, and when he did, he said it was awesome. I told you months ago. I don't know about this. 7-4-21. Finally, and when he did, he said it was awesome. I told you months ago. I don't know about this. I'm going to... 7-4-21. Megan Fox's new movie is fucking wild.

That's not Watch It. July 4th, I told you to fucking watch it. Oh, the 4th of July. That's the problem. That's not a fair time to tell someone to watch a movie. They're drunk and busy. I said, Megan Fox's new movie is wild. I said, the one with NGK.

I said, no, no, no, no. It's called Till Death. It's available on Amazon. Intense as fuck Deaf silly far fetched at times Only like five people On the whole movie Wild ride

Well I'm gonna watch The hell out of that That's what you say to people When they recommend things And then I keep hedging it Because I got scared How much I was selling I said mine is some

Unbelievably I thought it was a really Fucking great movie Because I kept being like Well wait a minute I get very nervous Recommending movies Oh me too

Very much It's like what if they didn't like it? And Bob Fox told me the other day, he said, he hit me with the, I'm firing up the movie right now because of your recommendation. And I sat there for about like 90 minutes just being like, waiting for the text, waiting for the text. And he liked it. I was like, yeah, yes.

You got to watch it tonight till death. It's wild. It's like, I feel like I just started a show. I don't fucking care, John. What's tomorrow. It's wild. It's like a... I feel like I just started a show. I don't fucking care, John. What's tomorrow? It's Thursday. We don't have shit tomorrow, right?

By the way, that little fucking minx, Megan Fox. Whoa, that table. Woo! I would go... I think sometimes it gets a little try-hard. I... Well, okay. You guys have sex.

Congratulations. You're having sex, not inventing it. Can I tell you? I'm so happy you said that. Because when I started this take, that was going to be my take. And then as I stood up and I just hollered like a siren, by the way. I watched Nick turn around like, what the fuck was that noise? I said to myself, am I really going to be the guy who has a problem with Megan Fox talking about fucking right now?

And I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. I didn't want to ruin a good thing. But, now that you said that, I am on board with you. It's like, think about if we did that. It would be like, you know, okay, dude, so you fucked a girl on the table. Shut the fuck up. First of all, fucking on tables sucks.

Yeah, that table did not look good to fuck on. Bro, my knees are gonna hurt. My knees are gonna be in so much fucking pain. You can't fuck anywhere but a bed past 30. If you're over 30 and you're fucking on the floor? Bro. On the couch, you're falling in between the cushions. You're on the ground.

Your knees are hurting. Her back's rubbing. You're getting rug burns. Your back hurts. Your pelvis is in pain. Beds. Fucking on beds beds That's it But like

First of all Agree 100% I think I last tried to fuck on a bathroom floor When I was like 27 Never again On a bathroom On a tile Bro

I was in a I might have been even younger than that Because I was in a hotel Where like It was like my friends were in the hotel room too So they're trying to fucking You can't fucking fuck on a fucking floor. You got to be a little bit of bounce and give.

Oh, boy. No, that hurts. That hurts. I mean. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

Like, yo, like for real. No, no, I can't do it. Try it. Try it right now. I fucking can't. It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. And now, I've got the jeans on, too.

And now start, like, moving. I hate it. I hate it. Don't they torture people like this? They make you kneel on, like, now start like moving. Ow! I hate it. Don't they torture people like this? They make you kneel on like a thing of paper. This is so painful. It hurts so much. I can't even get down. I can't get down.

In order to get down, you gotta put all your weight onto one. It hurts. In order to get down, you gotta put all your weight onto one. I'm sorry. It hurts. And then I hit my shoulder. But congratulations to Megan Fox. What the fuck is that? Was that a good time for you, Megan?

Colson? Did you have fun on that marble table? And think about this, John. I sat in my lunch. John, think about this. Another thing that happens when you fuck on tables, you sit in your lunch. Think about this, John. Think about this.

Think about what we just did, right? Think about if there was a generally accepted, like there's a reasonable expectation that girls are supposed to suck your dick on their knees like that. That's insane. If there was ever like get on your knees and eat me out, I'd be like, get me a pillow, bitch.

How about you stand up on the bed first? That's the only way I'm getting on my knees. Hang on a second, my hockey bag's in my room, I'll go get my fucking shin guards. I mean, that's like, I'm gonna be bruised up from that, man. Look at that. And also, despite the fact that how difficult it

is to fuck on a table, as we've clearly demonstrated, two able-bodied men, incapable of fucking on a table. But like, if you saw like that I was giving you a quarter of an inch there right that's all you get

I was like did you come yet it was just guttural screams and a fucking fingernails length of fucking dick splinters flying

everywhere fucking it was bad but like also if you're fucking what are you guys pissing on each other well I was gonna say what you got a little sweat on each other? Well, I was going to say, what –

You got a little sweat on a table? Now, I will say that table's huge. Did you see it? It was deep. It was like a – you could run around on that table. You could play tag on that table. They might have been wrestling. But yeah, what are they doing?

Listen, I don't doubt – I'm on record saying if I could pick one couple to watch a sex tape, it would be Megyn Kelly and Machine Gun Fox, whatever the fuck. My brain just went totally backwards. But what are they doing that's, like, so revolutionary? Yeah. And if they are, like, please share with the class. Did you guys invent some new shit? This table is some seeds of things.

Oh, man, I'm so glad we don't owe that table anymore. What are you, snorting fucking lines of jizz off at Megan? What's fucking going on here? Yeah, like, I guarantee whatever you... Megan was up here like this. Her legs out, yeah, yeah. You were standing there. Like, I guarantee whatever you have done,

Adriana Cechik has done. And better. Every Airbnb she's ever... By herself. Every Uber. She doesn't even need partners no i've watched adriana chadwick squirt out the window of a car bro i watched adriana the other day somebody uh she was like put put the ball put what did she say oh she said something like put the tip in right so she so he put the tip in and she was like oh wow and I was like

what's the big deal right and then he pulls it out and like a ball comes out of her ass that was in there as well and I was like oh there was already a ball in there and then the dick went in and then another ball came out she had two balls

like bocce balls of some sort and then a dick that's what Adrian Cechik is doing on the kitchen table what are you doing Megan She had two ball, like bocce balls of some sort. And then a dick. It's like, that's what Adriana Cechik's doing on the kitchen table. What are you doing, Megan? Bro, I've watched, and this is exactly what happened. I've watched Adriana Cechik get her pussy fucked in her ass. Get her pussy fucked in her ass. She took a flashlight and shoved that in her ass and then had a guy fuck the flashlight.

I know exactly what you're talking about. And it was super hot. I don't know why I was so turned on by it, but I was like, this is awesome. And technically, you know, that should be the next Tom and Bert loophole. It's like it was – you don't have to wear a strap on. They've got to wear a fake pussy. Technically, I'm just You gotta shove your pussy in your pussy. Technically, I'm just fucking a

fleshlight. Adriana Cechik's just holding it with her ass. That's all that's happening. That's not cheating, girls. That's not cheating. Oh my God almighty. Let's get into our interviews, huh? interviews Interview KFC fights Nicholas, Jacqueline

The rest of the people Got a little hypothetical for you If you could stop time For as long as you want But You kept aging And everyone else stayed the same What would you do with that time?

You can only stop it once for as long as you want, but once you use it one time, it's gone. I think personally, rob a bank, maybe pay some people. I'm not sure, but it's interesting to see what y'all would do. You could stop time one time. I know what mine is. What? This moment had a significant impact on my life.

I think I've talked about it before. I was in high school. I think I was a junior. Coming down. Hockey game. I'm coming on my off wing. Coming down. There's one kid who coming on my off wing. Coming down. There's one kid who's kind of coming to cut me off before I get to the net.

Basically, one-on-one, it's a race. He does that move where you kind of like drop down to a knee and get your stick flat so I can't really get over him. And I chip the puck over his stick, and then I jumped over him. And then I got to the net, and I fucking just missed the net with a shot. And my three best friends were behind the net and I watched their faces. They were like, holy shit.

Like just a complete disappointment in their faces. And if I scored that goal... Your life would have been totally different. My life would be totally different. You would be the man. You would fuck the girl. You would get the job. You would be the girl. You would get the job. You would be cool.

You would be – I mean all of it. Bro, my life is – I probably get drafted in the NHL the next day because it was that amazing of a move. The only – my best sports moment ever was not even like in a real game. It was – we used to do something called the Olympics in high school where like every grade would compete against each other in all sorts of various shit. Games, but also then there was like sports. And it didn't really count, but it was the only time I ever played in front of a full fucking gym because like my whole school was watching.

And it was like the freshmen played the juniors and the seniors played the sophomores in like the first round. And then so it was it was us, the seniors versus the sophomores in the final because the sophomores had this one kid who was Albie, who was like awesome. So me and him were like we would play together, but we're playing against each other, whatever. And it was like a quick game. It was like a five minute like, you know, just because it's a fake thing. Right. But I had like a couple baskets, a couple drives.

I hit a three, and the fucking crowd was going wild because I played in front of all, literally the entire high school. And I was like, this game doesn't count, but this is so cool. I mean, I was like, I drained a bucket. I'm like, yeah! And I was like, this is, I mean, I was graduating high school, so it was like it was over, though. You know what I mean?

If you can have a moment like that In real sports In real life Like it's amazing And it does change who you are To be like Yeah like It's Adam

This is gonna be crazy And I fucking just missed the net And it was It was some fucking Gordon Bombay shit Where like It was Triple D

Just fucking missed I didn't even hit post I just fucking Missed the net So you freeze it And you bury that And then restart time Just a quick

Bingo Because everyone Was already going crazy Because they were like He's got to score He just jumped over A person I jumped over

I fucking Vince Carter'd somebody In hockey skates It was crazy It was crazy I can still see. I have nightmares about it. I have fucking paintings about it.

It went wide or went high? It went wide. It went high. It didn't wide. It fucking went glove side. Fucking boom. I hit the glasses. Oh, it was fucking awful.

Awful. That is tough. I would. That's a no-brainer. I would take that over anything. Like, over all the money I could get from a bank, I would take that fucking money. I'm with you on that. Like, robbing a bank, like, whatever.

Use it for something intangible that's going to change who you are instead of just, like, a few bucks. It would change me on a cellular level. Absolutely. I would be a completely different person. No, I totally am with you on that. Like, your heartbeat would be different.

Your chemical makeup would be different. I don't know if I have one like that that I can pinpoint, though. I don't know if I have one like that that I can pinpoint, though. I don't think I have, like, a – I don't think I have anything like that. So I'll just rob a bank or some shit. So I'll just take all the money. Yeah, just get all the money. Dude, that was funny yesterday when – I think it was – yeah, I think it was yesterday.

When – maybe it was two days ago. The answer to the internet question was like You have five tokens Yes, yes, yes, yes You know what's funny? I started to think about that Because I was like Bro, I'm an adult now Just give me fucking $250,000

Then I was like Wait a minute, no Free food would be more than $250,000 But then I was like But if I won a championship I could sell merch at Barstool And then all of a sudden I had talked myself through all three

Like all five things I was like, this is a pretty good question i i went with free food and a cup for tuka but pete blackburn's response was funny where he was like this is just an elaborate way to find out who makes a hundred grand a year yeah yeah yeah yeah because what one of them was like because the tuka thing not even just the championship teachers like that's worth more than fifty thousand dollars but it just actually is yeah and yes probably because we'd make that much back in merch because we're gonna sell the tuka shirts but like having that over everybody yes we're like i was right all along and i'm right no matter what happens this year i'm right i was right all along he's good he's fucking good that's why i'm right

because you wouldn't have to do all this you would just be like you want a cup yeah you would never have to do it again you could just sell a shirt that says Tuca won a cup. But you know what the bullshit of it is? Ah, god damn it. See, you wouldn't have to do any of this. It's like 33 days until fucking season starts and I'm already getting fucking gassed up, motherfuckers. But here's the deal.

This is, like, Henrik Lundqvist gets chirped for not winning a cup by other fan bases. And that's fine. Not his own fan base. That's fine. Yeah. But his own fan base wanted him to get a cup. They rooted for him not winning a cup by other fan bases. And that's fine. Not his own fan base. That's fine. But his own fan base wanted him to get a cup. They rooted for him to get a cup. I think the Boston Bruins,

I think Boston Bruins fans do not want Tuukka Rast to win a cup. Absolutely. That's insane. Bro, it's like Franklin the Max. You're rooting against

the fucking team. If Tuukka wins a cup, the Bruins win a cup. So why the fuck would you root against him? People are like, I don't want to be wrong. Because people would rather

be right and lose than be wrong and right. It's insanity. Whatever. Yeah. It's sickening. It's a cult. Sports fandom is a cult. I probably also, I think I said I would give me a sports championship.

Can't remember all the numbers. But I was like, I was like, I think, I think it was like sports championship, 50 K and then give me like plus one on the scale of 10 so that I'm 11. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want to be a 10 anymore. I just want to be 11. But I think, I think, I think you could, if you spend the money on, on plus one, that's

another thing that can change your whole life. Like if you, if you just say, if you said, give me five points or if it was like, I think it was one point per, per whatever it was, you know, if you just said, give me five points, or if it was like, I think it was one point per, whatever it was, you know. Tighten my chin a little bit. Yeah, if you got yourself super hot. And just like, and you just shaved off a little bit of body fat. You're happy, you're popular, you're wanted. The whole nine.

All right, interview time. We've got Emily Hampshire, Stevie Budd from Schitt's Creek. This interview is brought to you by Sezzle. Sezzle is a service that I think I need to make sure more stoolies know about. It's basically buy now, pay later, where you don't have to pay up for whatever it is that you're purchasing. We have it in the Barstool Sports Store. So it's kind of like a payment plan where you can get whatever you need now and work out a payment situation where you're not going to break the bank. You're not going to have to pay anything up front when you don't have any money available. It's the no-brainer way to buy things.

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We had like $200 just sent back and forth at all times between the two of us. Just to float. Whoever needed it. It's a cash flow thing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I had Sezzle, I wouldn't need it. This is what Sezzle does.

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check out uh sad boy season ones i might be stuck up here i don't know what i mean get you know what you gotta do is get down on your knees first so go to the barstool store shop with shop withzzle, and get yourself those Sad Boys Season 1s. Let's talk to Emily Hampshire on KFC Radio. Hi. Hey, Emily, what is cracking? Well, now I feel, I'm so

sorry I'm late. I was, the other interview went long, and I'm never late. I'm a Virgo. I'm pathologically early. Usually, I sign on and then I don't push the go in until I'm just there a half hour before

waiting. If it went one more minute, we were just going to cancel the whole fucking thing, Emily. Fair. That wouldn't have been fair. Then because I'm Canadian, I would have come over to your place the moment you hit us with the sorry

I was like oh she's getting real Canadian sorry I'm late is that a true stereotype I guess that like you guys are nice oh yes I guess that's a good thing I'm sorry you go I I guess that's a good thing. I see what you're saying.

I'm sorry. Oh, no, I'm sorry. You go. No, you go. I guess ultimately that's a good thing. It's like, are the rumors true? Are you nice people? But I don't know.

I guess is that why? No, it can be a fault. Like, I see a lot of difficulty in it, especially if you're the one who was raised canadian and then you go to america and realize that like you think everyone else is like bragging and like saying how great and they're all like loud and but you realize you just have no confidence you just are like so self-deprecating and can't stay because you can't ever say anything good about yourself yeah you're speaking to the right people right here we just might be canadian at heart i don't know maybe canadian's more of a lifestyle than it is uh you know a country you're born in because i always say you know we're probably self-deprecating to a fault where it's like

maybe everybody makes fun of us because we make fun of us yeah oh i've been to therapy for this like serious therapy i mean it has worked a bit well and also see but the thing is i i go in and i apologize to the therapist for wasting her time and i'm like this is like you know what i'm fine you know i don't even know i i've wasted your time i'm gonna go you have a nice lunch something. You apologize for not having like serious or issues. Right, right. You feel bad. It's like my parents are alive. I don't have any – yeah.

It's also crazy too though because it's not like you go – you come to America and you work a regular job, live a normal life. You're doing Hollywood. You're doing – you're acting. I mean it's like you go from one extreme to the other where you're with the most vapid and rude and terrible people in the world. Yeah, but the worst is that when you come back for Christmas and you go to a Christmas party, even when everybody's like, oh, Hollywood. They think that you think that now you're something. And then you have to insult your own work.

And you're like, ah, no one even watches that super popular show. Like, I don't know what you're talking about. You're crazy. That's nothing. Oh, my God. Yes. You are Canadian. Where are you guys from?

I'm from Massachusetts. I'm New York. Okay. Okay. I don't get you guys are Canadian. I don't know. Because knowing that thing, you have to, okay, I don't get you guys are Canadian. I don't know. Because knowing that thing, you have to like overcompensate for people assuming.

The only other thing though that is contradictory to that is when you're a Canadian actor and you go move to LA, you work so much more at home because they're like, oh, they must be like big time now they moved to LA. And so when i first moved to la i basically didn't stop working in canada after that so i was just paying rent making canadian seashells well what's crazy for you guys too um i feel like you became canadian like icons because of this, because of Schitt's Creek.

It's such a cute, unique thing that everyone's Canadian, and it was this mom-and-pop production that then became sweeping the awards and all that. But it was like you were doing it for yourself and your career and for the writers, but it felt like you were doing it for yourself and your career and for the writers, but it felt like you were doing it for your country because so much of it was like the two things about Schitt's Creek was how funny it was and how good the writing was and all that, and that it was Canada's. So that was like, oh, my God, this is that country's TV show.

Yeah, well, it's funny that when Dan and Eugene went and pitched the show, they pitched to everyone. No one wanted it. Only Canada on the CBC. And it was so fortunate because they got to make the show they wanted to make, which I don't know that if they were on a big American network, they would have let them do that. I'm like, I know even in network meetings, a lot of the time there's these daily day long discussions about, um, a gay couple having a kiss and when it's appropriate and how much is too. And so there was not never any of that. It was always about just like telling the story they wanted to tell. And so I, I do think that was really great about it, that it just ended up like that. I think you mentioned that.

Because no one in America wanted us. You mentioned the gay couple kissing. I think one of the more powerful statements I've ever really read about that was an interview with Dan. And someone asked him, and it was not earlier in the show, but maybe it was season three, something like that. And someone asked him when he's going to have to deal with homophobia and a homophobic character something like that and dan said something along the lines of this is my world that i've created and i refuse to accept that so that will not live in this world it'll never happen and i was like that's fucking awesome that's such a like that and to your point it probably would american uh you know major

studios would probably be like look this is something is something he's going to have to deal with. You have to write it in. And he's like, no, I don't accept that. I will not do it. I probably would have. I remember at the beginning of the show, Dan had a mandate that there would be no homophobia in Schitt's Creek and the town and the townspeople would never be the butt of the joke. Those were his two things. No, no, you know, any of the shitty isms, no racism, no, it just doesn't exist there.

And what a brilliant way, because I would have thought, like I think a lot of people, if you want to, like, show, you know, issues and stuff, you show the struggle and whatever, and no, you just show a world where it doesn't exist and it works perfectly yeah right yeah i mean the town became like this little you know like in a little snow globe where it's like wow wouldn't it be nice to live in that little town and live that life because it's so wonderful yeah yeah were you and i think even the – oh, sorry. No, no, no. You go ahead. You can tell me to shut up. No, no.

I'm sorry. We're going to get into a sorry off here. This interview is never going to end. It's just going to keep going forever. No, you're going to die. Oh, my gosh. I just – well, see, and now once you go that long, then you're like, oh, I think I was going to say dumb.

Is it dumb anyways? But I was going to say that I think even the decision to think about not making the small town the butt of the joke, which usually people are like, oh, those dumb yokels. And, you know, it wasn't – it was them that was the joke. Right. I thought that was so special. He does walk it a little bit. And one of my favorite jokes in the show

is in episode one when Dan says he doesn't feel like being the victim of a hate crime so he doesn't want to go to the tailgate party. That is funny. Did anybody ever think it was going to be what it was, what it became?

You know, no, I don't think any of us thought that that but i think we thought it was going to be bigger at the beginning because we signed on to a show with katherine o'hara and you know we thought this is and the writing was great and whatever and you know it came out and it was medium big um medium you know it wasn't a big um out of the gate success and but what i love about that is we a cbc let us continue to make the show which i don't think any other network if you weren't making the numbers and stuff like that would really support you all along the way to get to make six seasons of a show that wasn't like a hit right um and but we loved it and we thought it was so special and so kind of the best thing ever was for it to end and we all like

loved it and love and me and annie and sarah we were like the show's done now the offers are gonna come rolling in and we're like tumbleweed does any casting director want to see you because no one wants to see me um and uh and then all of a sudden, it was this kind of sensation. And I think it was also going onto Netflix. Netflix, right? Netflix is where I started watching. Yeah, and that was a slow thing. wanting something with a genuine heart that still didn't sacrifice its funny for that.

That is the thing, to be funny while, because heartwarming and loving and all that can kind of be corny and kind of be soft and a little bit lame in certain ways, especially humor, because a lot of people want edgy humor or whatever. kind of be soft and like a little bit lame in certain ways especially humor because you know a lot of people want edgy humor or whatever and so it's almost like being a clean comic in a way it's like if you can do it and be funny that way that's that's really impressive because you're not

leaning on sex and and whatever other tropes that you can't so it's like that's the hardest thing to do that's why Schitt's Creek and uh Ted Lasso is another one on Apple TV that I think is so good. And in pandemic, it was what people needed while still being like, oh, this shit is funny. Do you think that you guys kind of changed the landscape of TV? Because for 30 years, it's been the good shows, the big shows are the antiheroes. The Sopranos, the Breaking Bads, the anti-heroes you know the sopranos the breaking bads the sons of anarchies like things were like you they're bad people but you're still rooting for them and you guys were the first show i've actually given credit to ted lasso as well because of

recency bias that's the one on my brain but like i think you guys were the first show where i was like okay these are just genuinely good people who are funny and are a lot of funny shows, like Always Sunny is one of my favorite shows on television. That show, it's a new world, not a new world, but it's a new beginning every day. However the episode ends, it's just the same thing again. But you guys had

really character growth and everyone was getting better and becoming better people as the show went on and I can't remember really watching a show and hoping for the people to get better i was always hoping i'm hoping them to get worse usually you don't really miss anybody that's so true and i do think the world was at its tipping point of that kind of like you said people wanted things with an edge and like dark humor and And I notice it a lot when as an actor, you get pilot season, right? And so you're reading a ton of scripts,

going out for auditions that you don't get the part on. And, but you notice trends. Like I remember one year it was all like Bernie made all fee money stuff. And, and, and there was this thing of like the anti-hero, the dark whatever comedy. And I think Shits did bring in a new kind of wave of kind comedy that, you know, I think we'd reached that tipping point and the world changed. So it was the right time and the right, again do have to credit canada because the more i know about television the more i think about it a show like shits um i don't know that it would have been allowed to to find itself like that without being canceled but that's where things shine the best like like projects that are allowed to continue, whether it's ratings or money or revenue, whatever the metric is. Like when you do anything for those reasons, it can still be a success, but it's not going to be like its purest, best form.

Well, it's going to be like everything else. Yeah, right. else yeah right yeah and because i noticed when i was i was pitching my show my own show that i'm doing and everybody was like we want something like like nice and good hot like schitt's creek and we want we only want nice stuff and what's funny is that when schitt's creek was going nobody wanted that and now what the new thing is not gonna to be what has just been. But people are always looking for that because that is such an easy, you think that is going to exist. Of course, you replicate it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And anything new is untested. Right. And the people who are willing to take a risk on that and bankroll that for a little while and let it maybe flounder a little or try to find its way, that's when the people who are doing it are going to do their best work because they just wanted to do it. You're not doing it for the million dollars per episode. You're not doing it for the fame. You're just like, I like this show. And you can tell Dan really felt that way because he ended it

when everyone was giving him, would give him any money. Right, right. But he was like, this was the story. This was the whole story I wanted to tell. And as much as none of us wanted to end even dan like we genuinely really like each other um it was the right thing to do it would have been kind of selling out to because that was a time yeah but you guys you know what there was sometimes selling out it's okay emily there wasn't sometimes it's all right

you didn't have a moment where you were like, so what's up with season seven? Or, you know, like, let's do a reunion or have a movie. Let's play a hypothetical. What will we get per episode? We deserve a victory lap. Yeah, yeah. What I'm very happy about is that we were finished

when we had the Emmy sweep because trying to go back after that, no one wants you to succeed after that. That's a great point to go out on top like that. I mean, you guys won everything. That was insane for that type of production to sweep the way it did. But is there any chance of anything

in the future, Schitt's Creek? I 100% think that we will do something at some point. There's not going to be like the series isn't going to continue with another season or anything, but I'm pretty sure we will all get together to do something like something. Just so you know we're going to cut that out to say i 100 think the season is going to continue yes yes no but it does lend itself to like a um like a where you know uh if they if you guys get back together in

five years like to watch like to think of what what dan would write like you know these got these guys got married and you moved here and yeah ais did this or like if alexis actually became famous yeah yeah like you know a lot of the things that i think the characters could you guys come you guys also do such innovative stuff like i don't think i've ever seen a show do like a tour or like like do like the live panels and stuff like that i saw sch Schitt's Creek live in Brooklyn. Oh my god, you did? Yeah, it was so cool. I thought the way you guys did that was like, every show should do this.

It was so fun. And you really could tell you guys either are really great actors or you do like each other because you're all on stage fucking around and just having a good time. Well, also for us, those tours were, I mean, for me, Annie, and Noah, noah and dan we were like this is insane like playing

it's like you're a rock star when peter's like that but you would think that athryn and eugene would be used to that and they were like even with every christopher guest movie we've never experienced that kind of energy from an audience which was so good-hearted. Everybody was nice to each other, too. That's Schitt's Creek. That's what you cultivate. I think when you put that out there, it really does come back. If that's Schitt's Creek,

the latest project is the total opposite. Emily, I'm going to come completely clean with you right now. As a professional interviewer I like to do my research And I tried to watch Chapelweight last night And I put on the trailer

And I was too scared I couldn't watch it He told me it was 10.30 I was like I gotta fall asleep tonight I put on the trailer I had it up on Prime I could watch it on Roku TV And it was on Prime or whatever. I could watch it on whatever. I have a Roku TV. And it was like, watch the trailer.

So I watched the trailer. And I think it was the full length where it starts off with Adrian Brody pulling worms out of his nose. And then trying to slice it off his face. And I was like, this is... I was crawling on the couch. I was like, oh, no, no, no. Chopping off your nose is a hell of a way to start the trailer. And then he had the things crawling through his skin looking like the, what is it, in the mummy?

The beetles inside the scarabs or whatever. It looks horrifying. It looks horrifying. It's based on a Stephen King short story, right? Well, that's your first clue. Yeah. It's based on a Stephen King book. So, yes, and I agree. I remember watching that trailer and realizing that this is really the people who love this stuff.

This is their dream come true. I'm weird because I'm like this person. No, no, no, don't show me. Don't show me. But also, I like weird stuff, but I'm always like, oh, what am I looking at? I do like what I'm doing. What's your favorite thriller, horror movie, gross-out movie? What do you put in that category?

Well, I feel like my problem is that it's not movies. It's more real life. It's like Dr. Pimple. No! Don't even say it! Sign me up. Sign me up. Pimple Popper. No! Don't even sign it! Sign me up. Sign me up. Kevin loves that.

You know what I've been on a kick right now? Oh my god, have you ever watched Tonsil Stones? Oh my god! Oh my god! Yes! I have. It is unbelievable. That biggest one with the toothbrush where they all come tumbling out.

I also follow this site on Instagram called Medicopedia. And it's like all these great innovations in medical science and stuff. Just the grossest stuff you've ever seen. And I can't. I can't. But I still do. I can't get enough. Give me all.

I'm scared to move. I can't get enough. Give me R. I'm scared to move. I think I'll puke. The pimples, the tonsil stones. I saw one of a guy. The ingrown hair. Oh, ingrown hairs. And how about when they zoom in like 32x now? You can zoom in on the skin like so bad.

I actually, can I tell you something? A little confession here. I bought one of these things that it's, you know, a skin suction thing that has a built in camera. And what I learned, cause I'm looking at my skin and I don't actually have, I wish I did so I could sit there and pop it all day, but I don't have big pores or oily skin. But when you zoom in on your skin, as much as these things can,, everybody skins gross man I was like oh, and I thought I was getting everything out and then I look at it There was not much there so when you zoom in you're gonna see all sorts of shit, but I did buy

Oh, I've had to have people take away the magnifying mirrors. Yes. I will go. I'll dig out everything Muscle down you guys are monsters That's all I know the muscle down there. You guys are monsters. You've got a gross face. We've got clean faces. That's all I know. We've got beautiful skin there. I'm going to leave scars on my face from doing it. Oh, no. This started with something I was scared of

and turned into something I'm repulsed by. It is scary, but what is scary to me is usually um well no i was gonna say i'm usually scared by horror movies and fiction and stuff where my best friend finds it very strange that i can go to sleep to murder podcasts and I listen to True Crime Everything and I think I'm not scared by murder podcasts because I'm like if I'm going to sleep

listening to a murder podcast there's no way I'm going to get murdered. Chances are astronomical. Chances are insane. That's Oh sorry go ahead. No no no you please all right what i was gonna say is that this is the stuff that scares me the most what chapel

wait's about because it is like like monsters don't really scare me so much even murder not so much because i know it's such a minuscule chance. But what scares me is your mind betraying you. Because we talked about therapy earlier. And I'm sure I got five more years and then my mind is going to flip a switch and it's going to be tough. Take the under. Take the under. But it is – that's what scares me. We're totally the same in that.

And that is what drew me to this in terms of i mean there were a lot of things that drew me um but one of the things that makes me like this this story and this kind of horror um is that thing of like are you crazy or is that a vampire or is that you know because guess what if you think you're crazy if you're betting on crazy and you're wrong, you're fucked. Like err on the side of caution. Pretend the vampire is real because get out of that room. But I always think of that. I always think of things like I've had conversations with my family where I'm like,

we need to have a code word or something for when I need you to really, really believe me. So like one day if I come to you and I say like aliens abducted me last night and I say like watermelon, like that means you have to believe me so like one day if i come to you and i say like aliens abducted me last night and i say like watermelon like that means you have to believe me that means you can't just say i'm crazy and making it up because what if you were in one of those scenarios where you're you know you think you're going crazy but you don't you're not and you want people to believe you and they don't yeah oh that that's well i was actually in one of those scenarios on Chapelweight when we were shooting. So I had read the short story, Jerusalem's Lot, that it's based on. And in that short story, my character's not in it. And there's a few additions, there's the worms and everything, but there's, there's some additions.

And then I started shooting, and they were just doling out the scripts kind of episode by episode. And around episode four, I was on set in the dark because it's dark there in my chair. And I look to my left and there's a vampire there, like not a Rob Pattinson kind of vampire, like a terrifying. What you would imagine is a vampire if said vampire was like real. I didn't know there was vampires in this. I didn't. It wasn't in the book. It wasn't in the book. No one told me. So imagine

being on set not knowing there's vampires and all of a sudden. Guys, look. Yes. I thought it was just worms and scary house and Adrian Brody. That's hilarious. There's a fucking vampire on set.

Like, yeah, that's Steve, man. I've never jumped so much. Like, I jumped out of my chair and screamed. And I don't, even thinking back to it, I'm like, why was I so... Obviously vampires don't exist, but it was terrifying. Also, the vampires in this are very scary. Yeah, it's like, well, yeah, they might exist. Who knows? You never know.

Yeah, it doesn't surprise me that they're scary. As this guy who's seen the trailer, it's all fucking terrifying. It's all terrifying. What do you think has been the best change in your life after shit success is it getting to do things like Stephen King projects what is the difference between

those two sets I feel like that's there's nothing different they're both fun that wouldn't surprise me though I feel like if you're doing horror all day, you do want to come off set and blow off steam and just have some fun. But I guess that probably doesn't really fit the vibe of the vampires.

I mean, yeah, you do take the laugh and stuff like that. But, I mean, well, for Halloween I was Stevie King. And so I had Stevie, I was behind a desk and then emerged in some of the scary stuff. But no, they were wildly different. But in terms of how, what's the biggest thing that's changed, it is that getting, like to me, I've been an actor all my life and you go through phases of what is success to you as an actor like when will i

feel successful and and you think it's like an oscar or those kinds of things um and what i really realize now is that it's it's choice like to me i will be successful when i have absolute choice in what i do and if i want to do something i I do it. If I don't want to end, and what Schitt's Creek has done has given me more options and more choices. I, you know, as an actor, when you're starting out, you do what you get, like, don't criticize any actor starting out who's doing something dumb because like, you just want to work. Um, so yeah, it's, that's been the greatest thing. And I, you know, I'm getting to do my own show now. I get to do a work concert. Yeah, what's your show?

Can you talk about that yet? I'm doing a remake of this old show called Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, which was this show in the 70s that was kind of a satire on a soap opera. So I'm doing that with Norman Lear, who is this producer who is 99 years old. Oh, my gosh. And he did, like, I mean, every show, Maude, you guys are probably too young for all his shows,

but he's quite the legend, and so I'm very excited to be working with him. I'm usually flattered when someone says you're too young for something but 99 you're probably on. You're probably pretty spot on. Yeah. I would have said if I was in your shoes I think the biggest change for me would have been

Demi Lovato sliding in my DMs. Hilarious. What is that? I saw that clip. That's impressive. That's segway. That clip was unbelievable. That was a very impressive segway. They were like, what did they say?

They said that they were surprised that you didn't respond, right? No, no, I responded. Oh. I responded with like I was very flattered, but they're, like, 29, and I am not. And what was hilarious was then they said, well, what about Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson, which they're a great couple. And I'm like, yeah, I think so, too.

And then they backtracked and backtracked with like you're not the holland taylor in that i'm sorry i'm sorry i actually i actually am the holland taylor and that there's no other way about it um they gave you the full court press huh yeah demi was going after it demi demi was not settling for like uh one and done i'm gonna i'm to put this on. It wasn't that I didn't want to date them. I think they're like super attractive and all that. I just felt way too old.

But we became great friends. And so that was great about it. That's an unbelievable moment. And now when you Google me, that's all you see. But that just happened, right? Like that was last week? Yeah. Yeah.

Listen, Google results can be worse. I'll just say that. There's a lot worse stuff that can be out there. So that's not too shabby. But Chapelweight is out now. And you can stream that now. Sunday's on Epix. If you are brave enough.

And I promise you this. I promise you this, Emily. I will be brave enough. It just has to be light out. I'm going to get it done, but the sun's got to be up. And not alone in your bed. Not alone. And I promise you this.

I don't know why I assumed you were alone. I'm sorry. Because you've talked to me for a half hour. That's why, and it's fair. And I promise I'll take breaks from Pimple Poppers and Tonsil Stones and I'll check it out as well.

But everybody should go watch it. But send me any good ones. Have you got a good port of Weiner? I'll be in the DMs too. I'll be sending them over. Don't worry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks so much for the time.

We appreciate it. Amazing. Thanks a lot, Emily. Thank you. See you. Honorary Canadian. Bye. I'm so sorry.

I took long. Bye. Oh, you don't have to bother. Thank you. Bye.