KFC Radio - Kevin Bacon, Iliza Shlesinger, and A Circumcision Power Play

Episode Date: March 5, 2020

Start today so far off the rails we need a map and compass to find the way back. KFC and Feits both talk about their experience with nightly thieves. They play a couple AITA's including an argument over the length of a relationship, paying back your parents, and a man who got circumcised to win an argument. Voicemails include: Adult Happy Meal, Ignored Instructions, and Thank You Panties. Kevin Bacon joins the show! We discuss his new podcast "The Last Degree of Kevin Bacon", a scripted podcast where he plays himself. Feits shares that Kevin Bacon inadvertently taught him what sex was. Kevin Bacon tells us the origin of the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game. We also talk about some of his iconic roles and fans reactions to those roles. Iliza Shlesinger joins the show to discuss her new movie Spenser Confidential. We talk about crazy story how she got her new dog, Tian Fu. She tells us about the chance run in she had with Tom Brady right before coming to the studio. We talk about how awkward it is to film a sex scene in a movie especially when you're doing that with Mark Wahlberg. We also talk about being married to a chef, having an assistant, and much more.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network brought to you by Manscaped. The perfect package 3.0 is here. 1.0, done. 2.0, done. We are now on to the third generation perfect package, that you have a perfect package it comes with the lawnmower 3.0 which is a that was was that was that in the script or was that you well i can't tell if that's supposed to be very very obvious and i and i just sounded stupid but you're making

me sound like i'm smart delicious you think they they must have known that right yeah yeah but it's a package of you know you get a package of stuff so It's got to be the package. That's fantastic stuff. It's just brilliant marketing. That's really, really great. They have the Lawn Mower 3.0, which is waterproof, nick-proof, wireless, the whole nine. And I do believe they have changed up their copy because I listen to all these other podcasts. Bert and Tom Segura are sponsored by them too, and they always highlight that the wireless trimmer lasts for 90 minutes. And almost everybody who does these ad reads is like,

who the fuck is trimming for 90 minutes? It's crazy that I ever put off shaving my balls because it takes 15 seconds. Yeah. I mean, it's a very small surface area. Do you shave your balls themselves? No. I do the surrounding area. Well, sometimes i'll try i kind of just do like a just like a once over just like get here

on your penis hair around my penis on your penis um like the very base of it i'm like halfway up really i think i have too much hair on my penis you definitely have too much hair on your penis you definitely have too much hair on your penis because i'm i'm i'm right at the base i'm like i'm like there have been times where i'm shaving i'm like there shouldn't be hair up there i'm and i'm not a hair like i don't have hair like you know how like you know basically it's all on my dick yeah you don't get any hair here you're there it's just i have it right at the base where i hate that i said that is this my dick or is this like the like the where it grows from you know what I mean like you should be my forearms why are you yeah that the head of my penis that sounds to me like your hair you have too much hair on

your penis I have too much hair on my penis let's just let's call it what it is let's put our cards out there I definitively have too much hair on my penis so we gotta shave that you should shave your balls i kind of just you know do like the whole area top bottom underneath you know i do yeah i do do you upper leg upper leg like i do like inner leg yeah yeah yeah yeah like yeah like i have you know what if you if you look if you look at me it looks like someone took like a like a circle and just just took the hair out right here. Just the whole area is clean. I also have a vein, which is weird.

That's weird. I have one vein right here. But actually, I kind of like it because it makes me look jacked. Oh, it's like a throbbing vein? Yeah. Not like a blue vein. It's like a thick vein. That's gross.

I'll be honest. That's gross. It's disgusting. I mean, that's worse than the hair. But it's like, well, whatever. Sorry, it's such a thick vein. That's gross. I'll be honest. That's gross. It's disgusting. I mean, that's worse than the hair. But it's like, well, whatever. Sorry, I have such big quads. My thing is when you do the- It has nothing to do with muscle.

When you do the inner leg area, where do you stop? See, no, because I don't run into that problem. Because you don't have that much there? I've seen that shit with guys in horns. You almost have to like- I'm like, dude, you didn't even give it a fade yeah you have to fade it i gotta give it like a number one fade we're just like like i i go really close to the skin and then as i get closer to like the middle of my leg i pull up a little bit so just have a

no i i don't have to fade on my dick like i can just go i can go bald because i don't have that yeah yeah but it's just all on my head of my dick do you ever i got i got i got a dick like fucking uh what's a uh there we go what's what's the fucking cartoon not cartoon he's a muppet beaker beaker it's a long thin and then it's got like the hair i don't actually this is a joke like i don't have it i don't have a fucking afro on the head of my dick that it just goes yeah you have hair like in the middle of your dick on the head of my dick. That's a joke. Yeah, you have hair in the middle of your dick, not the top of your dick.

It's the middle down. And it's a couple of hairs. I don't have a hairy dick. Yeah. You know, you got like tweeds. God, this is the worst that I've ever heard. Well, it's not. Because you know what? There are so many guys at home right now going like,

me too, man, me too. And that's what we do out here. I don't know that they're on. I mean, I'm just trying to help you out here. Probably not. There's probably a bunch of people at home going, I'm about to take a look at this podcast look i swear it's not that hairy a hairy dick it's like a it's a good dick do you ever do you ever worry about like shaving too much like do you go like skin bald yeah because i don't go blade right but you do clipper

all the way down yeah because sometimes i feel like that almost looks funny too. I prefer to not do that. A fully shaved, not erect penis is a bad sight. It's awful. You look like a four-year-old boy. I shave once every three months. Oh, wow.

You don't grow that hair. It's very rare. A lot of times I end up doing it just for myself. I just want to be pretty for myself. It's like a hygiene thing. I don't it's very a lot of times i end up doing it just for myself so i just want to just want to be pretty for myself see i don't but i don't like it's like i don't do that i don't care about yeah well we know that we definitely know that but you know sometimes like all right you know big like frank reynolds the hair is how it gets fucking sick can't get an std if you get shaved balls fact what a man scape you're welcome add that to the copy. Can't get an STD. Put a little

asterisk there. I don't know. Maybe not scientifically true, but certainly feels that way. How about this? Definitely can't get lice. That's a fact. That's true. That's why we're killing crabs. Crabs. Yeah, millennials. Shout out millennials. We killed crabs. They say we killed the fucking Olive Garden and all those other industries. We also killed crabs.

We killed the dick lice. Dick lice, gone. That might be the worst of all. I'd rather get AIDS than have lice. What's it called? Crabs. That's disgusting. Kevin, I very much disagree with that. I'd rather have crabs than AIDS. That's disgusting.

You just shave. Let's say you can't get rid of it. I'd rather have AIDS. Let's say the common cold killed you I wouldn't want that either I'm just saying the actual thing of having these things crawling around on you is

way grosser than my blood also I might have it I don't know my balls are always itchy I don't know what that's about. This is a tough day for your genitals. If your genitals could speak, today you'd go home and be like your girlfriend

and be like, I can't believe you said that about me on the podcast. New rule. You can't talk about me on the show, okay? If your genitals could talk, they would not be happy with you. For a lot of reasons. Yeah, for a whole bunch of reasons. Every single possible reason.

As you drink whiskey, I'm sure your genitals are big can you stop drinking so much i never get to come out anymore i never get to go out and have any fun anyway shave your balls yeah go to manscaped.com use the promo code kfc get 20 off plus free shipping you get the perfect package which has the trimmer the ball deodorant the crop preserver everything that you need to make your balls smell good oh and you get uh for a limited time you get two free gifts you get the shed travel bag and the high patent the patented high performance anti-chafing manscape boxer briefs i'm sure those are comfortable as fuck i'm i'm i'm wearing my small boxer briefs today so i i just he came in and he sat down to me and he said to me like, you know what I'm wearing today?

You knew right away. Well, because I'm like, well, I, you're wearing a gray shirt and black pants. It must be something I can't see. What is the one thing I can't see?

You're dumb fucking underwear, small underpants. I mean, those, those probably fit your girlfriend. You fat idiot. You're wearing your girlfriend's underwear, which I know is a dream of yours.

So I, I know that's why you do it. Like you keep saying like, well, yeah, I just like don't want to throw them out. Or like, hey, they happen to be up in the rotation. You get excited. You get excited for small everyday. No, because I put my balls right up against my grind ball. It's preposterous how I'm wearing these.

But it was just, I was out. Honestly, I don't know what happened. I'm out of clean underwear except in my bag from Toronto. Okay. But that's like a dirty bag? No. It's just I just didn't want to from Toronto. Okay. But that's like a dirty bag? No. It's just I didn't want to open it. Okay.

And that was it. It was like I don't feel like opening my bag. Opening a bag is a new level of laziness. Right. Yeah. I'm wearing large boxers right now. And I'm an XL because I got the ass of a black woman. And I'm uncomfortable.

If I sized all the way down to small. I'm going straight up small. I would be. And I. Does it turn into like small. I'm going straight up small. I would be. Does it turn into like a thong? Is it like up your ass? You can see, right? It's just small. Yeah, it certainly does.

Polo's small. I'm wearing small in the pants. No, it doesn't go into a thong. It's regular. I mean, it's very regular. It's not regular. It's not normal. It's just like, it's just my nuts kind of come up against my grunt a little bit.

But aside from that, it's fine. I mean, we really have just become this couple. I'm low maintenance. I'm low maintenance, yeah. But we're just so comfortable now. Those pants don't fit me? Fine. They're okay.

We used to kind of be worried about what we say, and now you're talking about how your balls are against your grundle. Yeah. And I still have my hairy penis. It's not a hairy penis. I want to be clear. I'm looking at the camera. We honestly haven't technically even started the show and we have heard about your grundle and your ass and your fucking hairy penis Time to start the program.

God damn it. All right, go, go, go. I don't even know where to begin. All right, first of all, let me tell you what's coming. This is a monster episode. It almost makes me feel bad that we're attaching these two people's names to the conversation we just had. We have Kevin Bacon on the show, who is quite literally one of the most famous and successful people to ever live.

He is now associated with your hairy penis. We also have Eliza Slesinger. He was already associated with my penis. I feel like if these publicists knew what we were planning on doing with their interviews. It's stunning they don't ask us. What are you going to talk about on the show? Well, thank God. I feel like if these publicists knew what we were planning on doing with their interviews. Say, yeah, yeah, we'll run you guys next week. It's stunning they don't ask us. I know. What are you going to talk about on the show? Well, thank God.

Bye, my dick. Thank God we're not that popular because they would actually listen then. And then we have Eliza Schlesinger on the show. And she's a delightful woman who I think probably would not want to be associated to your rundle. I bet she's okay. Actually, she might be. She's pretty cool. She's actually really cool.

So two very big interviews coming. We'll also do voicemails. And today is Thursday. So we're going to be doing M.I. the Asshole. But first, I have to give a special shout out to the gentleman in my neighborhood

who breaks into my car every single night. What does that mean? Sometimes I forget to lock my car. Okay. And when I do so without fail every morning i get to my car and it's been rifled through and the glove box is open the thing in the middle console is open the sunglasses thing is pushed open what a lazy and i just have like just close

the console dude yeah i mean he just one time the door was a jar like he didn't close the door of the car just left it there for buddies yeah i mean it's a it's a hyundai tucson so it's not like he wants to like steal the actual car he's just hoping hoping that he gets some money hoping that he finds something of value and there's just never going to be anything of value in there pal and so i walk in i close the glove box i close the thing i put the envelopes and tickets away it's just part of your driving yeah i'll be honest i had a aunt like that my aunt but she just doesn't leave anything in her car intentionally and doesn't lock it it doesn't get broken into every day yeah but she just intentionally does not leave things in the car i mean there's just unless he wants to like hot wire my car and steal it which

is your car is broken into nightly yeah pretty much i mean i do i am getting better i love that i do remember i do remember now to lock it more so but i also sometimes don't and and he must come and check it out every night be like oh it's open okay let me check it out and i almost want to start like leaving them notes this is your neighbor i think yeah maybe it's just a guy who thinks it's his car i want to like leave him a note what i really want to do is try to catch him like set up a camera i'll do that i'll come to your house like i mean that's that's what it really requires is staying up i'll do it yeah yeah okay because i won't i've never been to your house yeah all right that'll be it and but you're gonna sit up and just stare out the window because it's also not about being up it It's about don't miss it. I'll probably miss it, but I'll be there.

We're just going to end up drinking. He won't come because he'll see me. If I'm looking through the window, I will fall asleep. I have to be sitting at the car. You want to be in the car when he does it? Not in it, but at it. We almost have to be in the car across the street.

I'll fall asleep there too. The thing is, we're just going to fall asleep. But I do want to catch him. I don't want to be like in a car like across like a stakeout yeah yeah but i'll fall asleep there too i fall asleep i mean the thing is we're just gonna fall asleep yeah 100 but i do want to catch him and i almost i don't want to i don't want to turn him in i want to just be like so you've never gotten anything out of this and you're just gonna keep trying huh keep giving a look and like one of these days i'm gonna like i don't know like leave like a couple hundred bucks or some like some someday i'm eventually gonna have cash you've been working hard here you go soon yeah right maybe uh what if i leave him a note that says i'll strike a deal with you tomorrow night i'll leave it open 200 bucks stop doing this i'll pay you to stop robbing me worth it right worth it what he'll probably do

is take the 200 and just keep coming but uh but then i will set up a sting operation i it's probably my my parking wars neighbor that's what's probably going on. Breaking in? Yeah. It's probably him just like, fuck it with me. Wait. That's at the old house, though, isn't it? No.

Oh, yes. No. Yes. I've had two parking wars. You've had two parking wars. Oh, yes. Two wars. I'm starting to see the... Yep.

Yep. I'm starting to see the common theme here is... It's you. Me. Yeah. I'm the common denominator you know definitely i'm the asshole am i the asshole perfect perfect segue shout out to my uh my nightly thief i hope you are doing great i've i've had the nightly thief at my apartment uh in boston in your apartment no no no

it was it was my car in boston and uh he left three burner phones in my car you made a profit well no they're all burners it's not like something you can do it's funny that it was but he also stole my like the sickest shoes ever which i wonder what they're going for now because i want to get them they were air max this air max supremes i'd never worn them i don't even think i know the snake skin oh wow see that's i mean guy, that was the jackpot. That's like a $600 pair of snakes. Yeah, that's, let's check that out right quick. I mean, that was, I think.

The type of guy who's still like breaking into the car too is probably like, oh, fuck yeah. You know what I mean? I believe I admitted, I believe I said that he did not take those. The white ones? No, the. The snakeskin, they're like a white grayish. Air Max? Yep.

485. 485. 485. And what size are you? I'm an 11. An 11's going for 550. 11 and a half, 650. 12 and a half is $1,000. Boy, I was going to say, I've never seen you wear these.

No, I never wore those. I had them in my car because I got them mailed to the Milton office. They are Supreme, you're right. Yeah. That's tough. Yeah, those were were stolen i said they were not because i felt i was so embarrassed yeah i was gonna say for those that's one of those ones where you like really upset with yourself yeah i i feel that way anytime i've had like a drunk injury like if i've gotten drunk and like like i got drunk once and i i'm pretty sure i broke my ankle and i like never like i like fractured my ankle or something it's still like hurts to this day and I remember like

the weekend was ruined I like could barely walk and it was just because I was like a dumb drunk one time we were in the Bahamas and it was our senior year of high school we went to the Bahamas almost like a spring break sort of thing and my buddy we decided was going to rappel off of the balcony

so we took a like a life ring it was almost like a cartoon i'm like these things actually exist like a tube where you like throw the ring and we like tied that around something in the hotel room like the bottom of the bed and then he was going to repel like the most dangerous thing ever yeah it was second floor. It wasn't crazy, but still not a good idea. And so, I mean, this was like classic idiot behavior. He rappels off the first floor balcony, and we just gave him too much slack. And he is.

But he held on the rope, and he went, and he rope burned the fuck out of his hands and just smashed onto the balcony, patio beneath us and we all just scattered and then he ran back up to the hotel and his hands were blistered like instantly and it was like the first night of our trip and he was just holding ice cubes going fuck fuck fuck just screaming fuck over and over again because like his trip was ruined like the rest of the trip he like couldn't open bottles he couldn't touch things he couldn't go out he couldn't and i and all because we were like yo dude jump off that balcony and we just we gave him like 150 feet

worth of rope for like a 10 foot fall it was one of our stupider moments ever and those are the moments where you're like so so mad at yourself and if i if i had a brand new pair of 500 sneakers that i've never worn i just left my car open i'd be fucking fuming yeah i would like to what'd you say you just never even got them you're just like uh no i just said he left them in the car he did not he either oh yeah you're that guy i just conveniently never wear them in exchange for the fucking three burner phones the fair trade fair yeah here you go dude that was such a good heist by him, he felt bad. Like, I got to leave him something. All right.

The crazy thing was, though, he didn't leave them all in the same place. So, like, I was just finding burner phones in my car for, like, weeks. There's another one. Jesus Christ. Am I the Asshole? Today is brought to you by Outback. You are an asshole if you don't go to Outback and if you don't order Outback on DoorDash. I can understand.

I'm doing it tonight. Done. Guaranteed, I'm getting Outback for dinner. Going is one thing. I can understand if you don't want to get up and go out. Hey, coronavirus is floating around. You don't want to go anywhere. You don't want to see people, see strangers, whatever. Understood. Now you can order at home.

Ordinary when you order, even when you're using door dash uh even with all the merchants on under their umbrella usually if you order food you're doing pizza chinese whatever getting a full ass steak dinner with the brown bread to start and the nice sweet butter i'm gonna go get a filet pinched my stomach thinking about the brown bread don't you miss that baby i i don't you want a piece of that i have put in the comments like extra brown bread please sometimes i order like a second thing thinking that i'm gonna get like two people's worth of bread it's all about the brown bread smart and their steak is just like quality like steakhouse type steak of course the blooming onion they make good wings too they have it all man they are a one of the most criminally

underrated restaurants in the world and now you can get it on door dash as well uh march madness is coming up so like i said they have the wings and the blooming onion so if you're going to be doing a big uh march madness party or uh you want to get into the the ncaa tournament type vibe you can uh order the steaks and blooming onion um 420 is coming up so you know're going to be hungry that day, so order a fuck ton of food so you get all the brown bread. So, I mean, Outback, we are big time Outback

co-signers here in every sense of the word. You think that they like it in Australia? Probably not, right? It's probably like... No, they like it everywhere. Huh? Everywhere. Everywhere? Yeah. Yeah, it's like, we know that you're like doing stereotypical australia stuff and we still fucking like yeah it's still just delicious so uh either head over to outback now or go on doordash order outback smash that button get those great steaks right now the blooming onion the brown

bread all of it on outback that's what me and fights will be doing tonight am i the asshole every thursday going forward we're going to be doing Am I the assholes? Because, I mean, don't you wish we did this? Like, that's what voicemails are. Right. Just posing the question of am I the asshole. I've got to ask you about the bandaid. What?

I've got to ask you about the bandaid. The bandaid. Okay. Kevin's wearing a bandaid. If you're watching on Gold, it's a frozen bandaid. So, in keeping. Who's the bandaid guy? Okay guy okay first of all how dare you second of all it ties in nicely with the like the first story i am still an idiot okay and so i still

do a lot of stupid things and i'm still very absent-minded and i fuck up a lot so i lost my my apartment keys i'm also realizing now my landlord's gonna hear this i lost my apartment keys a while a while back yeah yeah he's like a family friend so um and i got i went down to my neighbors and i got replacement keys for like the main front door long story short there's like a door that's locked to get into my apartment, and then I go upstairs and there's another door, which is also supposed to lock. But I don't really lock it, because we have the main... We have the first line of defense.

Kevin, we heard the first story. I'm not keen on locks. So I lost the keys when I got replacements from them. They could only copy the... They didn't have the key to my apartment, right? So I don't have the ability to lock or unlock that door anymore. I had the cleaning lady come. She locked it behind me.

Makes sense. She thought I got to lock the door when I leave. Did you say you broke a window? No. So I had to call a locksmith. Have you called a locksmith for like a doorknob ever? No, Kevin. Don't say that that like that's that crazy i mean it's very plausible you would lock yourself i would just move well okay i wish

i broke the window because so i call the locksmith he shows up what would you think a locksmith would do break into the house like how do you think they'd go about like fix like getting you into the house same way they do it in the movies i mean i thought they were gonna like pick the lock right okay so yeah like little like little things you got two things and then you open it yep yeah he just took a drill and just like broke the doorknob and i'm thinking to myself i'm like i look all the bad so i look out the window and i'm like his door says like locks like it had like a big decal on it i'm like i think i just like brought a guy here with this fucking he just kicks the door in so i'm like i could have broken i have a little like plate glass window i could have just like shattered that reached in and then had a

broken door so right now my doorknob is in like shredded metal and so i i've been like very carefully like turning it and then this time i just kind of slipped and i mean i i it was bleeding profusely because so now i have to so and i think he just i think he's just a scam artist clearly and broke it and then goes for another 125 bucks I can fix your doorknob right now. And I was like, for another – get the fuck out of here. Fuck. Like, no. Get out of here.

So now I – That is unbelievable. I'm like, I could have broken my own door. I didn't need to call you for that. You kicked your door. Yeah. Then I would have just had a broken door that I have to fix like I have right now. You asshole.

So I don't have a lot of car and I don't have a lot of – But Band-Aids are crazy. Just leave your car. Well, okay. And and I don't have a lot of car. But Band-Aids are crazy. Just leave your car. Well, okay, and then the other side of it is my kids play with Band-Aids like they're toys. If you come to my house,

they're just everywhere. So I just grabbed an Elsa Band-Aid and fucking cleaned up my wound. It's been a rough go for Bachelor KFC. To say the least. Anywho, am I the asshole is is basically if we just started a twitter thread with all our voicemails like 10 years ago and called it am i the asshole we'd be like running

the internet too uh so am i the asshole brought to you by outback let's get right into it uh we got three today am i the asshole for telling people this is a classic mix-up classic question problem with couples how long have you been dating right a lot of times the girl at least stereotypically will say they've been dating longer than you i mean you do this right how long would you say you've been dating your girlfriend a year and a half and how long would she say probably less okay so you're the opposite yeah no i'm the opposite yeah because you what you're counting like when you first met and started hooking up she's kind of like three years ago okay so these are the questions probably

remotely close right probably pretty close but these are the things like is it when we met is when we first hooked up when we first had sex when we first went on a date when we first had a conversation there's a lot of different benchmarks but like you just said everybody ends up somewhat close i would guess we're both in the year and a half range okay how about this am i the asshole for telling people that my girlfriend and i have been together for one year if she thinks it's been six years i mean let's see i haven't even read this one yet there better be a good example for reference my girlfriend and i technically dated our last year of high school and all four years of college.

However, last year when choosing grad schools, the one that was best fit for my research interests and realistic for entry and I had already been accepted to was three states away. My girlfriend and I had a big argument about it. She was angry that I was choosing to move so far away and broke up with me during the argument. We ended up cooling down and agreeing to try long distance and got back together during the same argument. It ended up not mattering because I actually got accepted to a closer school. I see where this is going. So we both thought that we were together for six years until now,

but I realized that's not actually true. Oh, this guy's an asshole. I recently read a philosophy book about the vagueness of language and how we mostly just use inexact descriptions of things and that any true clarity is impossible using human language but that we should still strive for precision whenever possible so he goes on to give an example i I'm going to be honest. I've stopped listening to this guy.

Listen to this example. If someone asked you how long your string is, you wouldn't say that it was six inches if you had a one-inch piece of string and a five-inch piece of string. They're two different things, but I do understand his comparison here. I honestly stop listening.

So they, he had a five-inch piece of string. Then's a dickhead. He had a five-inch piece of string. Then they broke up. Now they have a one-inch piece of string. You can add that all up to six inches of string. But they did break up during that conversation. No, you're fucking... They broke up during that conversation, John. During that conversation?

They had the argument. If you broke up for less than six months... They had the argument. She broke up. He said by the end of the conversation they stayed together and tried long distance

but there was a breakup there in a conversation Kevin that first chunk of relationship is now that's a dead relationship and you're now starting a new

you are now starting a new long distance relationship this man's been dating for one year no no if you broke up in a conversation

if you broke up for less than six months you didn't break year no no if you broke up in a conversation if you broke up for less than six months you didn't break up six months i mean that is true like if like like how i mean it's it's the old it's the classic seinfeld like breaking up like knocking over a coke can coke machine you gotta keep you gotta keep trying until it fully falls over i i wholeheartedly believe if you broke up for less than six months it's not a breakup how long did it be together first like if you only date for like a month and, it's not a breakup. How long do you have to be together first? Like if I, if you only date for like a month and then you break up a year and then,

and then you have a six month break up. If it's anything over a year and you broke up for less than six months and you did not break up. I've definitely had those six months. Like, like you need to make it to six months cause you're relapsing. It's like, are you off of drugs or are you just like,

you know what I mean? It's like, if you're sober, you fucking, you took a week off. You didn't go out on Saturday. You're not sober. You didn't go out this weekend.

If you were over less than six months, you did not break up. You fucking had a fight. Dude, if you're not breaking up every fight, then you're not having real fights. You're not having a real relationship. Every fight, you'd be like, I fucking hate you having a real relationship right like like every fight you'd be like i fucking hate you i hope your parents die i hope you die i hope no one can bring your ashes to fucking the grand canyon or whatever the fuck you want to be dumped that's that's not a real breakup i i i feel like the the true asshole nature of this guy is that he got this from reading a philosophy book yeah i mean

hey hey dude fuck you yeah hey hey man zoom in right now i gotta tell you something fuck you i looked at the camera for that hey dude fuck you fuck like but for real like a sincere from the depths of my heart fuck you i'm dead serious fuck you like if if if there was any other explanation if he was just like listen she said so much horrible shit to me that in my mind like that old version is whatever but the fact that he just said i read a philosophy book and unless you're like exact with your words you can't get true clarity like suck a dick chop your head off go go suck a dick like suck your own dick. Yeah. Let me fold you up. Try.

Let me break your back. Try sucking your own dick standing up like Kevin does it. Okay? It's not easy. It's not easy. Boy, when you really... I need, like, a super fan to put together, like, a book of all the things we've, like, admitted about ourselves.

Be like, you know be like you know like KFC try to suck his own dick sitting up John has a hairy penis like it's not a hairy penis it's a hairy penis it's a hairy penis if it isn't it is now I'm about to show you a picture of my dick and be like it's not a hairy until I see the real thing it's fucking it's hairy

you got a little mustache on your dick it came really close to me showing a picture of my hard penis. We just had like a compliance training at work talking about all the new shit we got to like pay attention to now that we've been acquired. I don't think we can show each other our dicks. I feel like that would be frowned upon. Hey, get HR on the line. Ask them about dick showing.

I do really love. I'll tilt the camera i do really love the uh the notion of being a five-year difference in when telling people like oh yeah these guys are a new couple and the other one's like i've been dating longer than 99 a couple years i dated him before puberty right by the way a better argument i thought the original argument was going to be high school doesn't count college doesn't count so like you know what i mean that would be a that's a valuable argument to me if you dated all through high school and then like one year of college or one year of high school and and someone told me those five years don't count i would i would agree with

that i would agree with that i'd be like you you've been dating for one year you've been together for six further we're like until i matured which hasn't happened yet and like like okay now i'm a serious person now we're dating i had this epiphany the other day that like i hate when people are like you're not like an adult until you have a real job and then it's like well you're not a you're not an adult until you get married you're not an adult you have kids i hate to i don't want to be the gatekeeper as people would say but until my whole life blew up and now I'm dealing with some shit, I was never an adult and I was never going to be one until something bad happened. Yeah.

Because once – I mean – I'm not an adult. Because before you have to really, really deal with some true adversity, you're not an adult. You're just not. No. And it's okay. It's not a knock on you.

You're lucky. You don't want to be an adult. I wish I wasn't an adult. I was talking to the other day – I'm wearing a frozen band-aid because I had to break into my own house. I'm not an adult. You don't want to be an adult. I wish I wasn't an adult. I was talking to the other day. I'm wearing a frozen band-aid because I had to break into my own house. I'm not an adult. The other day, I have gotten into investing a little bit. Oh, boy.

What does that mean? The other day, I was talking to, I guess, my financial advisor. I don't know why. I mean, I don't have much money. I don't know why. I mean, I don't have much money. I don't have finances. But he was like, yeah, you've – he mailed me like, honest to God, like 12 pages to fill out. And I gave them back to him. I filled out my name. I didn't know the answer to any of it.

So he called me yesterday, and he's just like, you didn't fill out any of this. I don't know the answer to any of it. Yeah. But he's like, all right, so do you have like an umbrella policy? I was like, I don't know what that is any of this. Yeah. But he's like, all right, so do you have an umbrella policy? I was like, I don't know what that is. Here's my policy. If it's raining, I bring an umbrella. Like, everything he asked me, I was like, dude, who do you think you're talking to?

Yeah, like, the reason I need you is because I don't know the answer to these questions. I think they're used to talking to older people who know about those things. Yeah, maybe. Because one of the things he gave me where he's like look i get your 31 so like you know you're young yeah but when would you want your money i'm like now now all the time now all my money i i mean i feel like you need to be like sir can you transfer me to like the idiot department do you have any financial advisors that specialize in morons like like i like i'm not an adult dude i'm not an adult, dude.

I'm not an adult. Don't ask me about umbrella policies. Don't ask me about... Honestly, I have one of those questions about how much do you make a year, and I did not know. I don't know. That's not an exaggeration, folks. I was like,

well, what do you mean by how much? He's like, how much do you make a year? I was like, can I give you a guess? Can I give you a range? Somewhere in between. I literally gave him a guess. Well, let me tell you how much money I make annually.

This is how I know. I guarantee. I can literally absolutely guarantee you will never get divorced. And I think society does this on purpose to try to like scare you one last time into staying together and like keeping the family together the amount of paperwork you have to do john john john john john john they give you a what they call a statement of net worth it is as thick as a fucking dictionary. And you have to write down every single thing about your money. What do you spend a month on?

Rent or mortgage? What do you spend a month on? Like your bill. Like, all right, maybe you know your phone bill, your rent, and your utilities, right? How much do you spend on groceries? How much do you spend on clothes? How much do you spend on haircuts? How much do you spend on, like, doctor visits you spend on haircuts? How much do you spend on doctor visits, co-pays?

Are you kidding me? Everything you can possibly spend money on you have to fill out. It's nuts. Kevin, I am so proud of you. For getting divorced. That was almost like should we just tough it out?

I'd say together in a heart. It really, you will never get divorced. No, you will never do it. I mean, we talk about the expenses a lot. We're like,

my therapist costs $275 a session. It's crazy, man. I have not, and our insurance covers it. If ours is worse, I haven't done it once. Cause I have to fill a single sheet,

one sheet. Oh, so you've just been paying. I've paying wow yeah i probably would too like i mean i'm not paying that i mean i'm not i'm not doing that i would rather pay two hundred dollars to not fill out that shit yeah i i don't blame you man filling stuff out shit's for the birds i've been twelve hundred dollars a month to not fill out sheets like like what write your name down it's not you know what i mean it's not like a horrible process it's crazy how lazy and stupid we are it's it's truly astounding it is it's staggering it's stunning stuff stunning stuff all right next up next up. Next up. There we go. Yep. All right. All right. Am I the asshole for refusing to pay my parents back? So background for context, I, 18-year-old female, has taken dance since I was five, and then a competitively since I was eight.

I've been in tap, ballet, jazz, ballet. She said that twice. And modern for years, competing in all of them. And I know my parents paid a lot of money for all the encompassing expenses. My mom was a ballerina in her youth, and she injured her foot. Her dreams were dashed. The whole thing is, okay, so what are you going to do with the TLDR?

Quit dance after doing it for 13 years, and now parents want me to pay them back for their wasted investment. But the key here, the X factor, is the mom. Because this is some vicariously living through you shit. So she wants her to continue on. She wants her to do it professionally. And so she's extra mad that, that she stopped.

Like, this is not coming from a place of like about the money. This is coming from the place of her quitting and the vicariously, the vicarious mom being mad about it. Do you think she's the asshole, this person? The, so is the girl the asshole for not paying them back?

Yeah. No, because that's ridiculous. I disagree. think she's the asshole this person the so is the girl the asshole for not paying them back yeah no because that's ridiculous i just i disagree but i disagree i think that should be normal as a parent i think it's crazy you you'd think that like like in my life i'm what when i i i strive to just pay my parents back for all of the money. Yeah. And they wouldn't take it. Right. But I'm like, look, I went to seven colleges.

Yeah. And I graduated from zero. I'm with you. I owe you for all of that. Right. I was lucky enough to graduate without debt. And not graduate. I was lucky enough to drop out without debt and all that stuff.

So I owe you that money. Yes. And I 1,000%. I owe you that money. I 1000% think I owe them that money. But when you become a parent, you just don't think about that at all. It's just money you fucking let go of. It's just gone and I signed up for this.

It's just a quick 60 grand a year lit on fire. I left it in and then you came around and I'm going to lose all my money. It's a sunk cost that you're just... But I could see... I'm not gonna be like you know you owe me money for like diapers and clothes no no no but like but like something not graduating college i owe you that money or these things that are like you know but you could make the other argument that's like that mom forced that daughter into into dance dance is i

guess dance is a little different but that struck a chord with me because it is something i think about and i i mean i fully plan on on trying to you know at least pay back like the tip of the iceberg or get them a house or do something nice when i have money but most people i don't think are even in the position to do so and so it's just never become expected and you just it should it it sounds like a a reasonable system where it's just like well you owe me now because you didn't do anything with it. But it's just – I lit on the fire like hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Bro, how do you think – That's crazy. How about when I got my MBA? Yeah, but you got it. I did get it. I didn't get it. Yeah. I didn't –

I went to like six colleges and just didn't do anything. If you think about college being something that is a means to an end, to get you to where you are, to the point, to get you a job, to get you financially secure. That was all high school. Everything else.

But I mean, you, you think that, but like, I don't know. I can't, I'm not going to say there's specific examples, but it's like you,

everything that came before this led to this moment. Like you being here was the, the, was everything that came before this led to this moment like you being here was the the was everything that came before and part of that was dicking around at seven colleges so maybe not really i have zero college stories all my stories are high school stories like i didn't what were you doing for seven years in this job like college hasn't helped me like telling something funny i have one new orleans story that's it not worth it all the work i mean i think i think but who knows what if maybe if you went to school four years graduated you would have just got like some dumb job and you would have had like you know this this different vision and instead you were kind of like you know what i don't i don't have to do this i don't have to do that i'm gonna do something alternative i don't know

if you were a bum you were like still living at home and mooching, I think I'd be like, what the fuck was I thinking? Well, that's also different. Now I can pay you back. Yeah. Well, that's also the thing. Not now I can, but hopefully one day I will be able to pay you back. I think that's it too.

0.01% of people are ever in the position to give back hundreds of thousands of dollars. So if you can do it, I don't think your parents will ever i was actually thinking if i ever can pull this off like hopefully i think it sounds like i might be able to one day would i do that whole like i'm gonna like write you a letter and like film it and you know what i mean when they like the baseball players like their parents i think my mom would be furious i think she'd be like the fuck is that? Are you fucking filming me? What the fuck is this? Last one here. Am I the asshole? This is more.

This is one from the Reddit relationships. My boyfriend, 22, 24 year old female. All right. Sorry. My boyfriend, 24 year old male and me, 22 year old female. My boyfriend just got a circumcision after an argument how should i respond to this we've been together just over 18 months through the first few months we were friends with benefits he's an atheist he's met my family more than once but only met my extended family uh at my cousin's wedding last month traditional

jewish ceremony the horror broke the glass the whole nine um let me let me fast forward a little bit because he's never met several of my relatives before and i'm the baby of the family he basically got interrogated uh i asked him to go easy on them but it only spurred them on on the drive home he made a joke quote-unquote joke about now knowing where i got my very typically jewish nose from which feels like i'm gonna get in trouble for that that sounds racist i immediately got defensive and this quickly escalated into an argument where he basically said he felt aspects of my faith were absurd and strange because he didn't understand them and my response was that he was free to ask all the

questions he wanted but he never tried to ask any of the questions. So long story short, she's mad that he doesn't know about his religion. So we had this argument. I thought it was resolved after my final statement about me asking for respect. So she said, respect my religion, but participation is not necessary. He then went out and got himself circumcised. He was at his place a couple nights ago, recovering from minor surgery,

and I didn't even know what he had done until I tried to initiate sex tonight, and he told me he physically couldn't because he had gone and got a circumcision. My response was something along the lines of, what the fuck? And he said that he wanted to show me he could understand and keep an open mind about my faith. So too long, don't do it.

TLDR. I asked my boyfriend to respect but not follow my Jewish faith, and he got a circumcision. I mean, 1,000% the right move. You get what you get what you ask for. 1,000% the right move. You get what you ask for. 1,000% the right move. I love this move. This is Costanza going to the Hamptons. You want to get nuts?

Let's get nuts. I will get my fucking foreskin cut off to win an argument. Oh, yeah. I'll get my head cut off to win an argument. Oh, I'm not sensitive to your Jewish culture? Look at my pecker.'ll get my hair it's gone you know my hairy dick i got the tip snipped off for you bitch there is nothing better than being able to flip it and hold it over their head where it's like oh really i'm not i'm not i don't respect

you enough well you don't respect me enough because i got my dick chopped off i mean i would do that in a heartbeat like it's i i can't believe that he did that oh i mean also by the way that's two birds one stone it's like okay now i don't have an ugly dick for the rest of my life and i get to win this argument he's probably been thinking about it anyway this is just an excuse i had a buddy in high school who had a uh an uncircumcised dick literally one person and uh he got it late in life right no no we made fun of him so much that he considered getting the circumcision and he did not get it because you would take like,

I don't know if it's estrogen pills or whatever. You can't because obviously you'd rip the stitches. So to do this is crazy and also 1000% accurate and fair. I mean, girls, like what if I told you that you had a fucking fucked up vagina? 1000% accurate and fair. I mean, girls, be careful what you... You had a fucking

fucked up vagina. I didn't like your vagina. You would be very in your own head, and you'd try and fix it. Well, to be fair, she didn't do that, though. She didn't make fun of his dick. She just said, you need to be a little more respectful of my Jewish tradition. He said, okay. Okay. You need to be more respectful of my Catholic tradition and have a nice vagina.

And if you're not fucking following Catholicism like that, like a good pussy, then you got to fix it, right? And you wouldn't fix it, but it would fuck your head up hard. Yeah, no, I mean, I think it's a power play is what it is. It's like he has a normal dick now, and he gets to forever have that chip to play. It's like, don't ever tell me that I was not committed, or I didn't go above and beyond.

I got my dick snipped for you, bitch. I ran over a manila folder. Oh, my God. Absolutely moving on. No way. I'm thinking about Jackass when he does. Oh, he does the tongue in between the toes and the fingers.

Out of all the shit they did. They had their dick bitten by an alligator and they just beat the shit out of each other, but the fucking paper cuts was the worst, man. Alright, voicemails time.

You know what that means. Time for a Miller Lite. When the voicemails come out, so does the Miller Lite because... I was going to get that anyway. Oh, yeah. Johnny is an expert at opening up cans. He learned how to open up bottles, but he definitely knows how to open up cans.

Voicemails have been the longest running segment at barstool sports i mean that because like guess that ass has gone by the way side i guess they still do local smoke shows but that's kind of changed with the advent of instagram as far as og internet barstool content you guys calling up the voicemail line has been the longest running thing that we've done. We're pushing 10 years of voicemails, literally tens of thousands of messages. That's 646-807-8665.

And so it's appropriate that we are now raising our Miller Lite, raising a toast to the voicemail line because drinking beers with your buddies is the longest running thing in the world. It's the longest running segment that guys have been doing, and girls, since the beginning of time, since the beginning of beer. Shout out to whoever invented beer. And every time you crack one, you tell a story, you share a moment. You have a question. You tell a tale.

You have a laugh. You do that over an ice cold Miller Lite. You do that over the KFC radio hotline, which we do need to replenish because we need your best stories. I'm going to be cracking a Miller Lite, the best beer, with my best friend John Feidelberg. We got to make sure we have the best messages to offer. So call up the hotline and go get yourself a Miller Lite. Miller Lite is brewed in Wisconsin, Milwaukee, 96 calories, 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

So celebrate responsibly, call the voicemail hotline, drink your Miller Lite, and let's get into it. Voicemail number one, what do we got? What's up, KFC? Fight, BC. Quick question for you guys. If you could go to McDonald's now and get a Happy Meal, but the toys that you get in the Happy Meal are actually for adults,

what would be the thing that you would want most in an adult Happy Meal? Bag of love. Love you you boys. Next. Whoa, Kevin. Imagine that. Did not expect that answer. I mean, that's actually not my answer,

but I just think that's funny. An adult Happy Meal, you eat like little French fries, you get a little hamburger, and it just comes with like a little fucking bag of Coke. Yeah, you just do the Coke first and don't eat it.

It's just Coke. It's just Coke. Can I get an adult Happy Meal meal it's just a bag of coke you're not gonna need the french fries can i say something about amphetamines i'm actually like i don't get the whole i don't get hungry on it i'm always hungry you're fat i'm not fat that was so genuine like oh like i like look my body could be better yeah but you're not like a fat person i'm not like a fat no yeah but you you have the heart of a fat man but when i've ever whenever i've taken amphetamines be it cocaine or adderall i'm always like boy i could do a cheeseburger

i think you're super good at amphetamines you think i think you're really really really no i completely disagree i think i'm really bad at them really yeah i think i mean i don't know what we can say here but i'm i think you can do a lot of them i think no i think i'm it's what makes me think is uh the always sunny episode when they're dancing for the bar and char's like i can't what does he say i can handle my what uh tranquilizer iizer. I can handle my tranquilizer, bro. What is he, in the shit brownie? I'm the exact, I guess that is what I am. I'm not good at them.

If I have an Adderall on a Monday, it ruins my week. Right. Well, I'm just saying that I think that you, I think other people, if they did what you did, would die. Sometimes. Sometimes. Yeah. So maybe you're fucked up for the week, but you're still here. In that sense, you're very good at it.

That's true. I had a bad week. You would have died. Your life would be over. So it depends on how you describe good. How are you good at it? I'm alive. I survive it. You're pretty good. How are you good at it? I'm alive. I survive it.

You're pretty good. No, but I survive everything. I don't think there's anything that can kill me. I told you this. I think you're a superhero. Yeah. I think you're a mutant. We should try to kill John.

Oh, I would love to get shot in the head. Now, we did way back on old school kids radio. You have to do it. If it works, I want you to go to jail. Yeah. You want me to go to jail? Yeah. That'd be funny.

No, you're signing a waiver. Remember we talked about shooting each other with bullets in the ass? Yeah, Dan wanted to get it. Yeah. I'm not doing that. Because I'll break a rib. I'm such a pussy. You could take a bullet off of Vast and be okay.

Yeah. Let's do it. Okay. I think you would live. Oh, I'd definitely live. No, but I mean, I think I would live oh I'd definitely live but I'd rather die than be in discomfort it's like oh man my ribs are bruised just shoot me in the head and take it out

just finish the job you'd be like yeah dude you have a bruise like a horse who broke his leg we're gonna put up that bring out the thing shoot kill it end it kill this horse turn him into glue Broke his leg. We're going to put up that fence thing. Bring out the thing. Shoot. Kill it. End it. Get the curtain. End it.

Kill this horse. Turn him into glue. You have a legitimate bruise. I got to go. I got to go. What would you put? Would it be amphetamines? No.

What would it be? Because they ruin my week. In your happy meal. In my happy meal. Tobacco? Tin? No. Cigarettes? Weed? cigarettes weed beer condoms roman swipes

if i had to choose something like what do you need the most as an adult money just give me like a time i don't fucking you don't need money you're rich what do we need i would take uh what do we need that's a tangible thing it's like could you can you put like this this is why i suck i don't want people to listen to me like i don't need anything yeah i know you i hate you i don't need anything there's nothing i need but if i had to have something and but it's also this you know very tan like it's got to fit in like a mcdonald's bag you know what i mean like it's got to fit in like a McDonald's bag. You know what I mean? Like it's got to fit in a little cardboard Happy Meal box. Honestly?

Okay. I got an answer for you. Okay. My current medical card. Like your insurance card? Yeah. You want McDonald's to give you your insurance card in their Happy Meal? Well, I went to the doctor the other day and I used it.

And they said this expired in 2017. And I don't want to get a new one so okay my answer is um i like that my current medical insurance card okay uh can i say that yeah uh john just texted his girlfriend is my dick hairy confirmation witness she wrote back. No, it is not. What up, kid? That's right. Fuck you guys.

Fuck you for believing this rumor that I started about myself earlier this episode. It's not true. It's not a hairy dick. It's just got hair on it. Ask her, like, does it grow higher up than other dicks? Okay. Because, you know, hairy is a relative term. I'd rather not hear this answer because I know she's fucking tasted other dicks okay because because you know harry is a relative i'd rather not hear this answer because i know she's fucking tasted other dicks

write it that way out of all the dicks you tasted does mine have hair that goes up an unusual height you're poor girl she's done such a good job of remaining separate we're just pulling her in closer it's like a grab like a tractor beam we're just pulling her into the mother ship i i everything is so technological and like not tangible these days that i can't think of a thing that i need uh i mean i guess what i could mcdonald's can you get me uh keys to my apartment can you get me a new doorknob? Another answer was remote controls. I have too many remote controls.

What does that mean? So I brought all my... When I moved, I packed up a bag of all my cable boxes. Basically, I returned the cable boxes and shit, but I brought all the remotes, and then I got new cable boxes, and I got all the new remotes for that. And then I have a TV remote and a Fire Stick remote.

I have legitimately eight remotes in my house. It's crazy. And some of them have batteries. Some of them don't. Some of them program. Some of them don't. It's a fucking fiasco. And rather than just getting rid of these fucking remotes,

it's just like roulette. I'm just like picking different ones at all times. Really? I don't know. Again, I told you I'm struggling as a bachelor i kevin i can give you lessons it's pretty easy i think what do i need i need what's the thing that i'm always like i need more of that all right i mean i guess you could throw like fucking the only the only things i need are like in my bathroom i need like deodorant toothpaste yeah so if i could just like

every time i got mcdonald's i got like a thing of deodorant and never had to go buy because deodorant's that main thing i always talk about you know you you use the last of it and you throw it out and you don't get another stick you wake up in the morning you get that one back from the garbage can you scrape it on even though there's none left and then you probably do that for like two or three more days if i could just reload on deodorant every time i eat fast food it would just kill a kill one concern for me you just don me. You just don't use it. John, you're a mutant. No, I use it.

It's just like I cannot use it. Yeah, I cannot. But you know what I learned the other day? Because we were talking about, and you talked about it in the run-out today, I heard, there are some people at Barstool Sports right now who

stink. Apparently. I don't smell this. I also don't smell it. I also do not smell it. I keep thinking I'm the stinky guy. I'm like, am I? No, I was so thrilled to hear I walked out and I was like, oh, this has already been going on. I wasn't here when you guys were smelling it, so it can't be me. But I heard that

if you already smell, your deodorant will just suck that smell in. So there's really no cure for BO. Excuse me, Jesus. I can see that. I can see that. It just kind of enhances the... Right.

It just covers the deodorant. It doesn't help. Yeah. Well, I feel that way about Febreze a lot of times. Febreze just ends up smelling like linen-y shit. See, I feel that way about Febreze a lot of times. Febreze just ends up smelling like linen-y shit. See, I think that is... There are negatives to becoming the namesake. You know, like Kleenex and all that.

And it's just everything associated with you. Right. I think Febreze is now associated with shit or a bad smell. Because you're always using it to cover up shit. When I smell that smell, I'm like somebody pooped, you know? It's like, okay, yeah, it smells like fresh linen, but

I gotta know. Alright! So this is totally in your head, apparently. It's just, I mean, I definitely have hair like halfway up my penis. So then it's a yes. It's not a lot of it, but there's a hair there sometimes. We gotta get rid of that, bro. You don't have any hair halfway through your penis? I don't think halfway.

Also, what's weird? You know what's weird? Are we talking halfway hard or halfway soft? I guess soft. Whatever I'm shaving it as. Dicks are so weird. When they grow, is that skin, like is that skin, you know, where is that skin coming from really?

Good question. You know, it's like because if you have hair on the bottom of your soft dick and then it grows, is that like the skin at the top of your dick? Or does that stay at the bottom? Because it might be at the bottom when you're soft and middle when you're hard. I don't want to answer that, and I think it's a great question. I'll have to do some research. Next voicemail

what's up kfc fights bc i was making pancakes this morning and i noticed that on the directions on the box it said that when you make the pancakes you're only supposed to use like a quarter cup at a time to for for the size of the pancake. So I got me thinking, what do you think is the most ignored rule of any product? Whether it's only the quarter cup for a pancake, which is ridiculously small or don't put the Q tip directly into your ear. Like I'm not supposed to ear fuck myself.

That's a great one. What do you think is the most ignored? That is a great one. What do you got? Uh, shampoo. It doesn't use shampoo twice. Yeah. Like the a great one. What do you think is the most ignored product? That is a great one. What do you got? Shampoo. It says you use shampoo twice. Yeah, like to rinse and repeat?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you don't use it ever. No one repeats. Yeah, that's a great thing. I don't use it ever, but... Repeating is really weird. Repeating's insane. Well, I guess it's like, let me get...

Imagine if you had really dirty hair. Like mine. You'd want to like... No, I'm saying like, what if you like, you know, you were stuck in the woods and you're dirty. You to like wash it like what to get rinse it with the water to get that dirt off otherwise you feel like you're just kind of rubbing the dirt around and then you wash again when it's like totally clean no fuck that yo the q-tip's a great one who uses the q-tip to just do like the outside of your ear oh that shit goes right into your brain yeah like

i can feel the brain matter. I put that stuff in my dick hole. I'm just like, I'll put this in every Orvis I got. You need to clarify that that was a joke. I mean, I feel like it was clear. It scared me really quickly for a second. I was kidding. I don't fuck myself with fucking Q-tips.

After the things we've seen this week, anything's possible. I'm sure that like, I i mean any serving size is always a joke except for goldfish serving sizes you know how many how many how many goldfish do you think you can eat in a serving size what do you mean like you know little goldfish how many do i think i can eat no no what do you think that like the serving size for the nutrition facts oh i bet like 17 55 oh yeah okay that's why i say it's the only one yeah because everything is usually like serving size for goldfish two and a half fish right it's like that's not who's that serving an ant yeah a bag of fucking i'm a big uh beef turkey guy uh-huh which is incredibly

expensive it makes no super expensive yeah and uh they're they're i believe four servings per bag of Jack Link's Beef Dirt. And then you just eat the whole bag every time. Of course. Not only do I eat the bag the whole time I eat it in five seconds. It's not a lot. I will eat an entire box of Entenmann's Mini Muffins. They come four in a pouch. Four little Mini Muffins.

I can eat five bags. I can eat 20 Mini Muffins like that. It's a whole box. Serving size, one pouch. Serving sizes. And this is a, was it Brian Regan? I think has a good bit about this. We're talking about the Fig Newtons. And like, I think it's like two cookies, whatever it is.

And he's talking about mowing them down and all that. But the, I mean, serving sizes are the most. Big sham. It was Super Tuesday yesterday, and I have not decided what candidate I'm going to vote for. Oh, well, the world is waiting with bated breath. Well, as am I to decide who is going to say we have to stop with the serving sizes. Yes, number one.

The first candidate who says, like, look, we have to have a regulator for serving sizes, that's who it's the one that's who it's gonna be uh what was his example the q-tip is a good one i'm sure um i bet you toothpaste i bet you you're supposed to use weightless toothpaste than i use sure i'm sure it's supposed to be like a little little droplet and i'm probably oh load oh toilet paper i use half a roll you half a roll every time I wipe my ass. Two squares, please. And the toilet gets clogged.

I'm like, what happened here? I don't know. I shoved a fucking printer full of paper down it. I mean, that's a big one. That's very good. Someone had that, actually. I think it was on Reddit where it was like – I use Reddit way more than I thought I do.

You have a Redditor. I just go to Reddit.com and then I just scroll. And whatever happens while I scroll, that's it. Because you can scroll forever. It's got the ever scroll thing. You can scroll forever. But it was like one of like a life hack was like put a Band-Aid or tape under the roll to show your kids how much they should take off. And I was like put a Band-Aid or tape under the roll to show your kids how much they should take off.

And I was like, boy, that's not enough. That's not a lot of roll. Way less than I use. A Band-Aid? Like the length of it? It was something just to make a note. Like absolutely not. Go this long.

That's three sheets. I use 700. I just take the whole roll. I just grab the roll like it the whole roll. I just grab the roll like it's a football and I just wipe with that. Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by Stitch Fix.

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Get started today. Convenience and style all in one box delivered right to you at stitchfix.com slash KFC. Last one, what do we got? Nice and nice sweatshirt. Thank you. I like it a lot. I also bought a pair of pants

that are basically this color too. Oh, wow. Like what kind of pants? Sweatpants? No, I think actually literally are these travelers? Is there a traveler back there? Hang on. What's going on with your underpants? There's a rip. I told you I have a fat ass.

Kevin, I thought you were wearing a thong. It does kind of look like that. It does look like that. And they're Calvin Klein, so it looks like the one Kendall Jenner's wearing. I was like, Kevin's wearing, oh, wow. I'm going to start wearing a thong. The traveler pants at Banana Republic, I've been, I keep getting. What, did you go to BR recently?

Yeah, I keep getting to grand central early like i call it br you know like like like you were cool like like it's a cool new spot br there's a grand ALD there's a uh a uh banana republic attached to grand central and i keep missing my train and then i have to wait like 25 minutes and i keep shopping it'll happen but these traveler pants i have a couple They have them in every color and they're like a good material. But this light pink color, pretty fucking cool. So you have those pants in pink? Yeah.

I feel like Cameron. I'm looking forward to this. They're almost a little bit more purple. They're dope. I don't even know what I'm going to – I bought these and I was like, I might end up returning these. I don't know. But I'm going to give it a try.

I'm obviously going to wear them now. Yeah. Well, yeah. At this point, I have to wear them every I'm going to do. I bought these and I was like, I might end up returning these. I don't know, but I'm going to give it a try. I'm obviously going to wear them now. Yeah, well, yeah, at this point, I have to wear them every day now. But, yeah, maybe one day I'll just wear the whole outfit with this shirt. Then I'll really be Cameron. All right, what have we got? Last one. What's up, KFC? Fight, Super Producer VC.

First time, long time. So this past weekend, went out with some boys, blacked out on Saturday night, woke up Sunday morning in my bed, butt naked and rolled over and saw a thank you note in a pair of panties on the desk next to my bed. Just like the girl left her phone number and name, little thank you note. I, uh, just wondering if you thought that was a crazy move or if I should text her or what do you think's going on with that?

so she looks at her panties and a note was her number. I am very into this. I'm fully erect right now. That is the sexiest fucking thing I've ever heard. Now, and you know what? I'm not even a panties guy. Like I'm not a retro. That is the sexiest fucking thing I've ever heard. And you know what? I'm not even a panties guy. I'm not. I know that's like a male thing.

Let me say trope because I've been using it. Yeah. That's like a trope. But like. I am. I know. I'm with you on both accounts. No, I'm not because I know how disgusting you fucking tricks are.

The used ones are gross, but otherwise I am very. They're all used. Right. But I'm saying... But if you take away the weird stuff that comes out... Yeah, it looks like you melted a candle. Your used underwear analogies are always when you said it looks like a giraffe licked

but if you take that away i'm a big underwear guy they're fucking hot they look adorable on you right but when you fucking but but i but i think there's something too all right so so this is actually what i thought this through that's a cocky move that girl they look like a puppy puked in them. Looks like sour cream and onion dip fell in there. Yeah, it does. But don't you think to leave it behind, that girl knows that she... You're not doing that if you're like a mediocre looking chick.

You're like, I'm fucking sexy. This song is hot. This guy's going to go. Yeah, right. That's respect, you know? So for her to be like. It was a pleasure to play Zion. Here you go.

So for her to sneak out, she doesn't need to do the breakfast the next morning. She doesn't need to say goodbye. But she does want to see you again. Name, that's an autograph, a way to contact me, and a Jersey Exchange token. If you don't call her, I will, bro. Yeah.

Honestly, do we have his number? I'll call that guy back right now. We should get it from Kevin. Pass Shorty's number over here, pal. I don't know what it looks like. I love it. If you're even questioning this, you don't deserve it. If you have to call two internet strangers and be like hey guys this

is sexy is this cool you're an asshole yeah it's sexy i again i have an erection i want to be clear about that i would tell everybody about that both sides if i was the girl i'd be like you know what i did i left my thought man i'm gonna start doing that yeah leaving your underwear yeah uh with with the people i don't sleep yeah i was just saying like with your girlfriend stop leaving your underwear in my drawer she actually i honestly she told me she has 13 pairs of my underwear. Well, probably because she can also wear them because you wear size small. Guys are sharing underwear at this point. No, dude, that's the sexiest thing ever.

You should fucking probably marry that girl. Give me a break. All right, let's do our interviews now. Right into Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon. Kevin fucking Bacon. Legitimately Kevin Bacon. right into kevin bacon kevin bacon kevin fucking legitimately kevin bacon and he rolled in here pair of glasses on distinguished salt and pepper hair kevin bacon is on the show bacon i started

to list out all of all of his movies that i like for when i post on instagram all of them i mean they're all monsters dude apollo 13 you remember sleepers you ever see Sleepers some of his old school shit Sleepers was awesome even like Tremors Stir of Echoes these movies that aren't even the big ones I love Mystic River was fucking incredible Mystic River is one of the best movies of all time

Apollo 13 is one of those if I was stuck on an island and I could only watch one movie for the rest of my life Apollo 13 might be it Kevin Bacon taught me about sex yeah John tells him right to his face that you gave me the birds and the bees talk and he was kind of like Apollo 13 might be it. Kevin Bacon talking about sex. Yeah. John tells him right to his face that you gave me the birds and the bees talk. And he was kind of like, all right. Very funny line from him. He goes, and how's that been going?

It was very, still waiting. Exactly. Kevin Bacon was the perfect blend of he's humble and very self-aware. So he kind of pokes fun at being a celebrity and kind of being spoiled. While also being like oh but at the same time i'm a fucking celebrity yeah and i will let you know that awesome so uh kevin bacon's got a new podcast out slumming it down on our level i like legitimately i think i tell him this in the interview but like it's a very very very funny podcast i'm not a huge podcast guy it is a john tells you to watch listen to a podcast it's a very, very, very funny podcast. I'm not a huge podcast guy. John tells you to listen to a podcast.

It's a very funny podcast. Let's do it. Kevin Bacon on KFC Radio. It's a big phone case you got there. I know. It's once a while. All in one? Yeah.

See, that's too risky. You can't be doing that. I know. It's really risky. You're going to lose it all. Mm-hmm. I have. Yeah, I have. I have.

And it also does this fun thing where they all pop out every once in a while. Awesome. Awesome product. Not good thinking. We got Kevin Bacon in the building here. We were listening to your podcast and it's fucking awesome, man. Oh, good. It's incredible.

A lot of times we're talking about whatever you're promoting and we want to get to have some other stuff, but this, this podcast, what we want to talk about, it's great. You know,

it's interesting because I'm trying to put them, put the, the messaging on is a little hard because I think what people sometimes assume is that I'm doing what you guys do. Which is an interview show or don't do that. No, it is. It's bullshit. It's not bullshit, but. Don't do that. No, it is. It's bullshit.

It's not bullshit, but it's not... I don't have that skill set at all, mostly because I have such an inflated ego that the idea of actually spending time trying to pretend like I'm interested in somebody when somebody else is just not in the realm of possibility. I'm surprised

you even say that, because this is so self-deprecating and so honest. You're kind of busting your own balls. I'm busting my own balls. That's why it's fun for that very reason. I've never been afraid of making fun of myself, making fun of celebrity culture and Hollywood. So it's scripted. That's the thing that's hard to describe,

that it's actually more like listening to a TV show. It's like how cyclical everything is. That's how my parents grew up, where it's like you sit around the radio, you listen to a show. And I'd always thought of it as old-fashioned and whatnot. And then I started listening to your podcast because you were coming on the show,

and I was like, this is fucking amazing. This is really, really funny. This is great. How many episodes is it going to be? Four are out now, but how many total? We did eight. Did we do ten? God, I forget. Eight or ten. I should know.

We did them all in the course of about six days. Six or seven days was the actual recording of it and it was a new experience for me you know one of the reasons i wanted to do it is because i've i've you know i've done tvs and i've done movie and theater and i've played music but i i haven't not one of those guys that was ever in the um the uh animated club you know i've never done a any Pixar or any of that kind of stuff. So to actually do this

kind of radio play and just have the voice as your instrument, that's like your whole instrument, was kind of interesting to me. There are some real celebrity voices in it. My wife's in it.

She's funny too. She goes into the closer. The erotica. Is there any truth to it? There's truth in comedy. Is there any part of you that is I kind of want to be seen as... That's what I think of you as.

I think of it as that's the ultimate male role. That's what I want to be. The loner detective who's chasing the killer. He's kind of drunk most of the time. That's my life. That's what I strive to be. We do all that just minus chasing the killer. Right, right, right.

But is there any part of you that's like – Want to be in a buddy movie again? Yeah. Well, I don't think – not so much that, but there are definitely times when Kira has looked at me and said, I think you need – you need to have a friend. You need to have more. You need to have more. Well, not more.

I do have friends. It's so crazy because I do have friends. I go out. I see my friends. But there's definitely times when she's like, why are we hanging out again? I've got my own friends I want to go hang out with. Can't you go? And there's a funny thing in the

podcast where I go to the Lakers game. So you can't do another Wild Things night. Yeah. Do you think part of the ability to make fun of yourself and be so self-deprecating is just because you've absolutely crushed your entire life and career?

It's easy to make fun of yourself when you're like if i were to really press you you'd be like well yeah listen man i'm like like a cultural institution like the podcast says what i think is that well first of all i don't wake up every day and go look at look at that guy i mean i really don't think that way i'm very very like um still very driven and looking forward. I always feel like I could be doing better. I always feel like my work could be better. I feel like my career could be going better. I feel like there's a lot more things I still want to do. This is for sitting on a hill.

It's strong. Everything else could be better. That's strong. You know, I think that I've always felt like I take my work incredibly seriously, but I find it a little bit irritating when people put the work that we do on a giant, giant pedestal of importance. And I do think it's important to make entertainment, but it is entertainment for entertainment's sake. do on a giant, giant pedestal of importance. And I do think it's important to make entertainment, but it is entertainment for entertainment's sake. And, you know, I think that sort of being able to make fun of what it's like to be an actor, to have that kind of, you know, self-involvement that makes you be an actor, to have people

always around you, you around you messing with your hair and putting makeup on you and telling you what to wear and bringing you sandwiches and giving you pedicures and manicures. That sounds pretty awesome. No, it's not pretty awesome, but it is awesome. No, don't get me wrong. It is. It's awesome, but I also think that there's something just kind of funny

and weird about that. And if you try to – we're not but you know we're not um curing cancer we're not putting ourselves in in harm's way you know i've played probably what five marines or four marines or something like that and people go wow you know you you you really i really believe you as a marine i wouldn't last 24 hours in boot camp. It's a joke. I mean, I'm never, you know, I'm actor boy. Right, yeah. And so to try to pretend that, you know, I'm something I'm not, it just doesn't feel genuine to me, but being able to poke fun at this,

this life. And in my case, this kind of meta life with the game and everything. that's, what's weird is that, I mean, you've become like ultra famous in a way where it's like, everyone knows your roles in your movies,

but you also, you yourself, your size, Kevin Bacon becomes a character almost in a way, right? It's like, it's just you, but you're but you've been in so many movies and been so successful for so long that the whole thing becomes almost a movie.

Yeah, someone once did a thing on the BBC about this, and it was actually when I kind of realized what they were talking about. I found it kind of irritating, but the basic premise of this profile was that I'm not famous. I'm more famous for being famous than I am for anything that I've done. I'm like, holy shit. I mean, I have done a couple of...

No, no, no. A couple of things that are pretty good. It's not like I made one porn tape. No, no, no. A couple of things that are pretty good. It's not like I made one porn tape. No, no, no. The only way you can get to that level where people think of you now is by having iconic roles in incredible movies, memorable movies. That's crazy. I tell you, the bottom line is that I have a tremendous amount of gratitude to be able to have a career and a life as an actor. The competition has always been and remains incredibly stiff.

The percentage of people that are able to make a living is really, really small. And I absolutely adore and i still adore that time between action and cut when i get a chance to to do what it is that i i do well and and that i've worked really hard to get good at you know um that i've trained and trained and trained and and second guest and you know all that kind of stuff. So I feel like for me, not for everybody, but part of the gratitude that I feel is also the ability to poke fun at it.

Well, do me a favor and stay the hell out of podcasting. You're going to put us out of business, man. These famous people starting a podcast. You have a built-in audience right away. Which of your roles would you think is the most uh the most you oh the most me hmm i don't know you know it's funny because if i was to look at something that was the most me i'd say well that's the least that's the performance that i'm the least proud of because to me being an actor is really about walking in somebody else's shoes. Right, right.

Not suspending your disbelief. If you can watch a movie or watch a performance and go, wow, I really felt that that guy was that guy. Transformed. Transformed, yeah. That's the type of stuff that I really admire. Your most iconic role to me was Apollo 13, where unfortunately you did not get to say he was going to have a problem

but that role and I swear to god this is true that should have been my line it's another line from the podcast I swear to god this is true you taught me what sex was that in Apollo 13 I have sex in Apollo 13

when you're doing the bottle thing I was like 8 years old watching that. I was like, that's sex. That's what that is. That's what he's describing. It was the first time it ever clicked in my mind. It's so, I was watching it in New Hampshire on a ski weekend. It's a very, very strong memory of mine.

And I was like, that's sex. I'm glad I could help. Kevin Bacon taught me about sex. I'm glad I could help. Add it to the list of accomplishments. How's it been going since then? I need a lot more advice. You're still waiting?

A lot of disappointment in the last 20 years, man. So with all this fame and all your success came the whole Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, which is a cultural phenomenon that only snapped in, like, I, it only like snapped in my head that even just talking to you now, it's like, we can kind of like joke that we're a part of that game now too. It's a weird phenomenon that took on a life of its own. And, uh, but it is, it rings like so true just because you've been in so much and met so many people.

And that just kind of came about by, by you like explaining that you've been in a lot of stuff, right? No, no, no. It had nothing to do with me. It was three guys from a college in Pennsylvania called Aubrey College, and they were students. They were sitting

around. They came up with the idea, and one of my movies was on, and they started playing. He's like, the six degrees, let's play a game where we can see if we can connect with you know, with six degrees, basically, you know, him to other actors. This is really before, certainly before social media, but it's also kind of before things even were really taking off virally. But it's one of the first things that actually, even without knowing that word, it sort of felt viral because people just started telling me about this game. And they'd say, you know, my cousin and I play this game.

Or kids would say, you know, we got a drinking game at my school, you know, where you take a shot for every degree. And I was like, what the fuck is this? It just seemed like really like bizarre. And my first reaction to it was that they were making fun of me, that it was a joke at my expense. Because sort of basically saying, I'm like kind of a lightweight actor who can be connected to some of the great actors. Can you believe that, you believe that Kevin Bacon could be connected back to Laurence Olivier? This is the way. I perceive it the opposite. You've done so

much great. Not in my mind. Actors are very fragile. We have fragile egos and a lot of self-doubt. Which is based on a lifetime of probably most of what you go through as an actor, and even in a successful career is rejection.

You get rejected from auditions. You get rejected at the box office. You get rejected by critics. You really have to have a very, very thick skin. So when I heard about the game, I thought, okay, they're just, they're making fun of me. Um, John Stewart had a, well, Howard Stern had been mentioning it, um, uh, a little bit. And then John Stewart had a, um, a talk show, a nighttime talk show. And I went on the talk show and then found out that the, the six degrees guys were going to come on the talk show. Cause he, John had heard about it and he thought it was funny. And I was like, I'm,

I'm canceling that appearance. Cause I'm not going to be made fun of on on national television right these guys and then my publicist at the time uh sort of talked me off the ledge and I went in and and walked into the green room and actually met the guys and they were just like they were actually fans you know and and it wasn't they weren't you know just making fun of me. And then I tried, because it seemed to have this great hang time, there were a couple of ventures that I decided that I was going to try to make some money on it, and nothing worked. Like we put out a board game. Nobody wanted the fucking board game because you didn't need it to play.

Yeah, you just talk. There was a book, and I wrote the thing. And I realized that what's interesting about it is it was not something that you really could hold in your hand. It was just an idea. It was like, I mean, I'm trying to think of another example of something that's just like an idea. Not tangible, yeah. Not tangible. You know, it's like almost like a phrase or a you know just a thought and um and the other piece of it to me is that when you look at taking me out of it the actual concept

itself is actual is is actually kind of a beautiful concept and one that it really is true that we are all connected and that we're all striving for these connections. That's, that's, that's really what social media is. You know, people wanted to go to Facebook book when it was first launching because they wanted to find out people that they were connected to,

you know, that's what we're all looking for. Do you think that there is anyone who is not connected to you? Like, like in the podcast who does want to kill you have you thought about that uh that there is a uh matt walsh out there trying to hunt you down i try not to live my life well i'll tell you what man we were huge fans of the following i think that first season of the following was more like the i think that that stands up to any tv show ever but there are some weirdos out there, man. I mean, that show proved it.

You never know. Yeah. Watching your back. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody came up to me. It was a flight attendant came up to me the other day, and I was just sitting there minding my own business. And he kind of kneeled down so that I didn't see him kneel down.

And I just heard behind my left joe carroll is on the plane that's kind of an inside following you gotta know but if you know uh so i mean we you know apollo 13 and i love the air up there mystic river stir of echoes million movies everyone's seen them this cat right here has never seen Footloose. Yeah, we did this with Ice Cube. When Ice Cube came in here, I was like, why should I watch Friday? What's good about Footloose? Pitch my man here.

I'm not going to pitch Footloose to you. Listen, you know, I don't think my kids have seen it. You know, they don't really watch my movies. And as far as I know, neither are Orkera's movies. I mean, they have seen a few. They'll see something if it's something that they're interested in. But I don't think they've ever seen that one. Do you like it that way?

I prefer my friends don't listen to my show, don't watch my stuff. But that's because we're embarrassing assholes. Yeah. We're super talented. We make great movies. Yeah. I mean, I just didn't want to create, like with children, they want to put their father and mother as their father and mother. They don't want to have that.

And a lot of the stuff that we've done in movies has been strange. You don't want your kids watching Wild Things. Yeah, so yeah, I mean, listen, I think that Footloose is an infectious movie. It's a movie I would love. Oh, that's funny that he hasn't seen it. Yeah, I think it was an interesting movie in that it was one of the first. People think of it as a musical. It's not a musical in the sense of musical.

Nobody breaks into song. But what they did was they started to release some of these songs before the movie came out. So that by the time the movie came out, these songs were already on the radio. And they already had a really, really strong connection to the audience, to the kids, and it just kind of took off. Last question, the Jimmy Dillon shake and bake. Can you do it? I can't do it.

Bob McAdoo was my coach. Wow. Well, I hung out with Steve Lavin, who was an assistant coach at UCLA at the time, because we're going back to the 90s. And Steve was kind of my first level of research. And then when it came to actually doing some of the basketball stuff, McAdoo came in. And he's been quoted as saying that the hardest thing he ever had to do in his career was make Kevin Bacon look like a basketball player. And I've always appreciated that.

Thank you, Bob. Thank you so much. He went to Africa with us and was fantastic. He also worked with the rest of the players and kind of choreographed the stuff. I'm a lousy basketball player. You go to Ben McAdoo and you'd be like,

well, all right, you'd be an award-winning actor. How about that? It's not that easy, man. All right, well, thanks. Although, let's see. I don't know if you've seen Uncut Gems, but Kevin Garnett's pretty great. Yeah.

Yeah, great movie. I love it. Maybe incredibly action-sounding. The best movie you'd ever want to watch ever again. Exactly. So tense. So exciting. Don't place another bet!

What are you doing? I know. It was great. I loved it, though. All right. Thank you so much for coming through. The podcast is out now on Spotify, right? Spotify.

Last Degree of Kevin Bacon is highest recommendation. I don't even really like podcasts, to be honest. And I love this podcast. It's fantastic. I don't even like this podcast. All right. Big shout out to Kev. I don't even like this podcast. All right. Big shout out to Kev. Oh, you guys like that now, huh?

Well, Kevin Bacon followed me on Instagram. Shut up! Really? And guess how many people he follows total. How many? 88. What the fuck? I was like, is this a mistake?

I'm going to do a video right now being like, Kevin Bacon, will you follow me? I was astounded. We are live on the podcast right now. Oh, my God. That felt like a radio. And that was terrible. I hated that. But anyway, here's the deal.

Kevin Bacon followed Kevin. I'm going to check to make sure that he still does. And it wasn't like a mistake. Okay. Make sure. And if Kevin, if you check to make sure that he still does and it wasn't like a mistake. Okay, make sure. And if, Kevin, if you don't follow me. He still follows you? Oh, yeah.

Kevin Bacon, follow me! I even, I then DM'd him just saying thank you. And it said seen, but he didn't write back. Oh, you know who I've been DM'd with? Saget. Me and Saget are boys. Yeah. You too? No, but I'm just saying that's fucking great Saget. Me and Saget are boys. Yeah. You too?

No, but I'm just saying that's fucking great. It's just like, what are you guys even talking about? Just like crazy Saget. They're DMs, dude. So, yeah, me and my boy Kev are, I mean, we are now, our bacon number is now one. We are one degree of separation from Kevin Bacon. And I feel like because I'm one of only 88 people on the planet Earth that he follows, that my bacon number is like half.

Oh, I've said zero. He also follows KPC Radio? Yeah. Oh, this son of a bitch! You know what? He probably was like searching for Barstool or something. I don't know. Yeah, he's got that too.

Yeah, it's just you, John. Because that last name is too hard it is difficult all right i just posted kevin bacon follow me shout out to kevin bacon i almost posted a a story being like like with a screenshot of it but then i felt like that was like too like not cool wait i should probably follow kevin bacon follow me you fucking famous person oh all right let's get into uh eliza schlesinger so i eliza is very funny i i when i saw elder millennial a couple years ago i wanted to get her on the show and it finally came to fruition since that day when i watched elder millennial i had been practicing saying her name and i fucked it up her name. And I botched it.

I botched it. The bright lights were on. I was up to the plate, and I struck out. I was like, Eliza Schlesch. She was cool about it. But it's almost like having me with you is like...

It's like having a minority friend. I got a friend with his dumb last name, too. He said it's like having like a minority friend yeah i can say i got a friend with his dumb last name too he said it's okay yeah yeah it really did save me i can fuck your name and she was cool she's like that happens all the time i'm like yeah you should just go by eliza yeah like you're madonna you know you just well she's eliza wrong too if we're being honest but well that's how she got that twitter handle though you know uh so fucking funny so cool down there with brother dog we're chopping it up. She did a great answer to the internet. Eliza's here, and we couldn't be happier

about it, so give it a listen. Let's get into it. It's KFC Radio. Eliza Schlesinger is here. Every time. Hello. I've been practicing all goddamn morning, and I just choked. That's why at least you have Eliza.

At least I have that. You got that Twitter. I got that Twitter. Getting that first name Twitter handle. I came in there so hot, and then I was like, this is garbage, and I just stopped using Twitter. It's on my phone, but. It's a complete dumpster fire. It's a dumpster. I'm addicted.

For sure. I feel that way about Instagram. I actually, see, I haven't gotten Instagram yet. Well, she's a pretty girl. We're not, so. Yeah, that's true. There's a big difference. That's a lot easier.

Bye, guys. That's what I came for, that validation. You're not on Instagram? I mean, I'm on it. I just don't use it. I've actually said if I posted something on Instagram,

I was at least three beers deep. It's weirdly okay for girls to do it and somehow when you get a guy that does it too much, you're like, ooh, that's weird.

Yeah, you're an asshole. I think guys, you can only post pictures where you look like a shithead. You can't post, I cannot, if I post a picture where I think I look remotely good, I have to it out yeah look i'm posting my self-effacing but i think girls do that too but it's like the subtext is always like look at my tits you know it's like oh my god bad hair day you're like right but the neck

down is fine i was just trying to call it what it is. But I always know I look cute. You have to know. I have to get that. I mean, I guess it's drunk confidence. I don't think I've ever posted on Instagram without having at least a beat. Well, what happened, like a week ago, he posted one and Instagram went down right as he posted it. And he didn't realize it. Because it was so ugly. He broke it. Shut it down.

But he pulls up his phone and had like 11 likes. And he had like an existential breakdown. It was like, what do I do? Do I delete it? Do I talk to them? I knew it looked good. Somebody get Zuckerberg on the phone. I knew it looked good.

I definitely, the drunk thing is always scary too. Because you're like, what did I say? What did I do? And unrelated to Instagram, but like there's always that thing where like Roseanne lost her career because she's been horrible. Now granted, I don't have those thoughts in me. But I, to come here, I had to take a red eye. I had to get sleep.

I had to get that six hours. So I took a quarter of an Ambien. I get on the plane, and Chris Hayes, the news anchor reporter, was there. And I'm a big fan. I think he's super cute. And he was on the plane, and I was like, hi. And then I realized he didn't know who I was, and he said hi back. And then the Ambien started to kick, and I had my mouth guard in.

I was like, Chris! Chris! And he turns around. I'm like, who did you vote for? He was like, I'm not telling you that. And even though I already voted, I was like, who should I vote for? He's like, uh. And I go, what's gonna happen? I just needed some, I needed

the inside track. That's unbelievable. He was very tolerant. But those are fair questions and stuff like that. They're really not, though, based on society. No, I think it's like, who's going to win? Hey, what religion are you?

How much money do you make? Who'd you vote for? I just wanted the insider info. I never get worried about doing stuff drunk, because like you said, I'm not Rosanna. I don't have those thoughts in me, so I'm not just going to start like, sorry, I had six beers and said the N-word. Exactly. It's not going to happen. I mean, I'm a just going to start like, sorry, I had six beers and said the N word. Exactly. It's not going to happen.

I mean, I usually, I'm a pretty happy drunk person. I don't get drunk a ton, but it's usually like, oh, Eliza, you just, I'm pretty coherent too. So I'm going to be like, oh, we had a really long conversation about religion and feminism. And I'm like, I don't remember that, but I'm sure I was excellent. But I know I crushed it. I look cute and I'm very excellent in those conversations. We're good. You brought your pup with you.

I brought my dog. New pup, right? She cowered in fear. RIP in those conversations. We're good. You brought your pup with you. I brought my dog. New pup, right? She cowered in fear. RIP to Blanche. She was unbelievable. Thank you so much. She was amazing. She was a cutie.

She was a rock star too. Thank you. She used to run out on stage like she was like, get out of here. It's my time to shine. She like almost spoke French fluently. She was like a little woman and she died in June while I was on tour in Japan. So brutal. But like on the plus side,

didn't have to see her dead. Someone else dealt with the body. And a couple days before Christmas, I'll just tell you the story. A couple days before Christmas, I make candy every year for the Comedy Store employees because being a comedy club worker is very difficult and no one cares for you.

That's very, very sweet. I make this sponge candy. Based on everything else you know about me, that doesn't seem like I would do it. But sometimes you're like, I need to care for some people. And my husband, who's a chef, he was like, we have plenty of sugar,

and we didn't. I don't know why he lied to me, but we didn't. So I ran to our little store by our house, just a corner store to get some, and there was this Chinese lady there, and she had these two beagles and this massive, gorgeous brown husky.

And she was like, they're for – I almost said they're for rent. They're for adoption. And I was so overcome. That's an idea, by the way. Dogs for rent. Just rent a dog. Yeah, like you want it for a day. You want to go for a walk, go to the park, but then you can't care for it.

Send it back. It's just a business. It's an actor. Wouldn't you love to check into a hotel that had a dog in your room for you sure you couldn't like make love to that dog it like gives you the keys it brings you the paper i'm we're really derailing your story no it's okay but i read a stat yesterday that said you said make love to the dog made me think of it uh go on it said eight percent of american men and 3.6% of American women have done sexual acts with animals? Oh my god!

It's such a high level. Are we talking like they had sex with the dog in the bedroom? That you gotta do. The dog doesn't know. He licks your toes or something. Alright, whatever. It's getting a little bit weird, but it's okay. On occasion, we'll be having sex and my husband will just stop. I'm like, what? And he just looks over and the dog

is just there and he's like, I gotta move the dog. I'm like, what? And he just looks over, and the dog's just there. He's like, I got to move the dog. I'm like, is this an alpha thing? Just let her watch and learn. Who cares? It's nature, man. I thought you were going to say 8.6% or whatever, 3% admitted that they would marry their dog if they could. I'm like, oh, good. They got my vote.

For sure. And that number, I think, is like 98%. 100%. 100% is 98%. It really is if you're if you're a dog owner you probably want to marry your dog i would marry blanche if she would have had me she had many suitors um but i go there and they had all these dogs and they had this big husky and i remember i was so out of my mind i was like oh my god and then i was like am i that girl am i gonna be the girl that has the dog that takes like 20 pound dumps and has like a 50 pound spine

and i didn't get it and i was about to leave because i was like that's a shame because these dogs are here i just came for my sugar and the chinese lady goes i have more dogs in my car like she's selling a fucking vcr and i go okay show me the car opens the car and they were well taken care of it wasn't like like they weren't like strapped in or something it was like a van or like a okay like a big white van and she had all these dogs in cages they weren't like jammed in there and there was this dog she's kind of looking looking me a little Was it like a van? Yeah. Like a big white van. And she had all these dogs in cages. They weren't like jammed in there. And there was this dog.

She kind of looked at me a little sad face, cute face. And I was like, let me just hold that dog and make sure it's okay. And I have it all on video. I have it all on my phone. I just started crying. And I was like, okay, I'll take her. And I was like, should I also get the Husky? I'm surprised you didn't just drive the van out of there.

I'll take all of them. I'll take them all. Imagine that you come home to your husband and you have a bag of sugar and 13 dogs. Can I tell you something? Honey, let's make the candy. He would be like, okay, this is what I signed up for. I knew she was like this. I did call a friend of mine. My buddy was.

And I was like, you need to come down to the store because I'm afraid I'll get both. And so I had to bring in someone to make sure I didn't. And like $300 later and no paperwork, I have this Chinese dog. This is pre-corona. Everyone, don't send your letters. And that's my dog now. That's a wild fucking story. Her name is Tianfu because she's Chinese. I did not change it.

I like that. I like that move. I think it's weird to change the name. I mean, the dog doesn't know what's going on. No, but I don't know. I think it's also like there's something that's like a little extra about it and i'm always interested because white people are always like tianfu absolutely all cultures we welcome all cultures i'm not racist at all blanche is it was was that golden girls or it wasn't it's a long story about my cousin her hamster named blanche uh that's a funny funny name from blanche to tianfu yeah from blanche to Tianfu. The tale. What a story.

I hope that Chinese woman is treating all those dogs nicely. That seems like a weird... You could tell that she's a crazy dog owner, but her passion is bringing these dogs over. I'm thinking, remember Beethoven? Remember the movie Beethoven? I have not seen it. Have you seen it?

When I was little, I remember Beethoven. Those vets were terrible to those dogs. Maybe I'm a big Beethoven fan, whatever. He just keeps quoting Beethoven throughout the interview. I had a buddy who lived in Colorado and bought a dog and a van. The dog came with the van. Oh, it's his home. For $50

off a heroin addict. Oh my god. Get your fix. Outside a bar. That was everything he had left. He's like, I need 50. He's like, all right, I'll take the van

and the dog. Wow. Done. Yeah. What a commitment. So Tian Fu and yourself both just got,

had the pleasure of meeting Thomas Brady. Yeah, we just met Tom Brady. That's pretty, pretty funny. What was it about? Why didn't you bring him here?

I tried. And they're like, please don't touch him. I'm in love with Tom Brady more than any other person. Are you from Boston? I'm from Massachusetts. Okay, yeah.

This whole thing started in Boston. So there's a lot of Boston fans. For me? Oh, I'm not from Boston. So you're not hearing that. Well, it weirdly sounds like it. Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah. Maybe your fucker's wearing off on me. There it is. I just got in the elevator. I was at Sirius. And I was walking around. And people were in the lobby.

And I just turned around. I was like, Tom Brady. And of course, I I just turned around and I was like Tom Brady and of course I know him and he doesn't know me and then I'm like oh we're all getting in the elevator together so we got in he's very tall I think it's hard to. Very broad you wouldn't think he was broad. He is a quarterback like you're like oh you're stunning and you're a quarterback

and I can't say that there was any love between us but he did let Tianfu smell his hand and then his friend who is not Tom Brady, made a coronavirus joke. And I was like, how does it feel to not be Tom Brady even though you're also super hot and I don't know who you are, but you might be like a running bat.

You might be like special teams or something. And that concludes my story. I immediately tagged him in a story where I recapped our interaction. I don't think I'll get a message back. He actually gets a little playful on social media. You never know. I wanted to say to him, do you guys just keep no sugar in your house?

They do because they have Unreal Candy. He's a part owner of Unreal. He's an athlete and she's a model so it's probably not sugar time. That was it. Hopefully that was memorable. How did he look? They've been raising questions. Last time we saw him, he was at a basketball game, and he's got some work done.

And it looks a little weird. He's so tall. I didn't want to make eye contact. I didn't look up. He's looking at his chest the whole time. I also am not like, oh, my God, Tom Brady. I'm like, ooh, Tom Brady. But I don't share the man love obsession that you guys do.

So your eyes, you haven't blinked this entire time. I don't have any more information. I was like at a Senate hearing. I didn't notice the work. I didn't clock that. I tend to not notice those things on people. But he was tall, and I stood right next to him. And I breathed very heavily.

There's going to be a lot of jealous people in this building. Suck it up, girl. Look what I did. So from Tom Brady, well, I guess from Mark Wahlberg to Tom Brady, you're checking them all off here. I'm just running through those dudes. Hot Boston dudes? Just like, watch out. Eliz Mark Wahlberg to Tom Brady. You're checking them all off here. I'm just running through those years. Hot Boston dudes? Just like, watch out, Eliza's on the prowl.

So new movie coming out, Spencer Confidential. With Mark Wahlberg, which is I mean, he's as big of an action star as it gets. It doesn't get bigger. There's very few real action stars and movie stars anymore. You've got

maybe five. And he's one of them. And it was so cool to shoot that movie. We did it in Boston. All in Boston. We hired local Boston people. Not for like the main roles. But whatever. Not for the important stuff. Not for the heavy lifting.

We got the talented people from LA for that. We got the scumbags in Boston to be extras. Yeah, and they were great and yeah we shot it in Boston and we had the premiere and the movie comes out on Friday.

What do you want to know? I want to know all about the sex scene. Okay get ready. Did he wear a bag? Because I read in I think Game of Thrones

one of the actors were talking about that we have to wear like a sandbag. Yeah where there's like full raping scenes all day every day.

A sandbag is I mean that's a lot. That's a lot of sand we are not naked uh in the sex scene i know much to everyone's disappointment mostly because he won't be naked um we're not naked it is a bathroom sex scene and so it's where i always and classy uh and so it's like once you say it's in a bathroom then it's almost weird if you're naked like no one gets naked in a public... If I wear a jumpsuit and I have to be naked on the toilet, I'm like, this is so vulnerable. That's the worst for you guys. Yeah. So we're fully

clothed and the girl is the aggressor, which I think in this day and age, it has to be that. Otherwise, you're in trouble. Which you should have been in trouble anyway. Before, I was okay. That's still my favorite part. Have you seen Uncut Gems?

Oh, yes. My favorite part of Uncut Gems is that bathroom scene with the weekend. Yeah. Like, he's wearing a shot collar. Every time she goes, no touching, and he jumps back. Yeah. And it was like, it was 2012, dude. You were a monster.

It's because he's Canadian. He was like, I absolutely respect women. Fun fact about Uncut Gems, Benny Safdie, who, one of the directors directors plays my boyfriend in this movie I just did called Pieces of a Woman. No kidding. With Shia LaBeouf and Vanessa Kirby. Oh. You did a movie with Shia? I did.

With big Shia fans. What? He's brilliant. Oh, my God. So that movie's very serious, very opposite of Spencer Confidential. I did a lot of crying. It's about a mom dying and a kid who died. I cried a lot.

I was like, let's see this. You can just think about Blanche. I do. I do think about my job. And then I call mom i was like i cried today she goes did you think about me dying i go you and the dog dying together there you go i just make up these horrible scenarios she's like stop thinking about me dying i'm like you lost all your hair it was so terrible you gotta go deep yeah see i i get that's impressive though i mean when i think of sad things trying to make myself cry i just end up congratulating myself i'm like oh that was creative right you watch your mom get beheaded

sometimes i throw a pity party for myself yeah and i think about like how hard i tried at an audition and how no one would give me a chance and i just cry i cry about my career but the sex scene is is fun it's super fun and there's uh some boston references during it so you'll have to watch out for those b Oh, really? Boston area residents. And those were all improvised, so you shall see. But yeah. Is this where the career is going, you think, acting? Like, is that the move?

Or is this part of, you know, to accompany the stand-up and comedy? I do it. Other than singing, I do it all. Can you sing? Yeah, I can, but I won't. You probably can a little bit, right? I don't know. No, I don't know. That's a yes.

It's not a passion of mine, no. Like, if you ask me, I'm like, fuck no. I cannot sing. That, you can sing. I don't know. No, I don't know. That's a yes. It's not a passion of mine. No. Like if you ask me, I'm like, fuck no. I cannot sing. That, you can sing. I guess, yeah. I mean, I would if someone was like

for a movie. All right, let's do Shallow. Come on, let's just play it, Nick. Let's go. I just belted it out. Or what if I had a terrible voice and I was just like trying really hard

like cupping one ear. You know, I've auditioned for, like part of this career is that you audition for stuff and I always get these great auditions and I can never, you just never, you never know why you i always get these great auditions and i can never

you just never you never know why you don't get something so this is just a product of a numbers game like auditioning and auditioning and trying and getting rejected like oh we went with a boy oh we went with a couch instead of you like you never know we went with a hockey puck and uh i got this and then it's just one of those things where like getting things begets getting things right oh it takes like one and it's kind of like Domino's. Yeah. Maybe not one. But even like the other – and then you start getting things with people not knowing about the other projects.

Like Pieces of a Woman, the serious one, was just offered to me because the director saw my stand-up and he thought she'd make a good crier. I don't know. But then we did this and this movie was so fun and Peter Berg is so cool. He's awesome. So just getting to be on set with, and it was like dude time. Like it's Peter Berg who's forever like shadow boxing and then there's Mark

and then any day, and then we had MMA fighters, we had Post Malone. On any given day, you had like Boston PD, firemen, wrestlers. Like you just had like any, all archetypes of dude

were ever represented and everybody was so lovely. Were you a Friday Night Lights person? I mean, I'm from Texas. Oh. You were like a real life Friday Night Lights person. Yeah. Were you a Friday Night Lights person? I mean, I'm from Texas. You were like a real-life Friday Night Lights person. I can't say I lived it, but football was a big part of growing up. That's why I knew who Tom Brady was. My makeup artist was like, oh my god, Tom Hardy.

And I was like, so different. Tom Hardy? Both awesome. Tom Hardy's up there with Shia for me. Tom Hardy's also unbelievable. He's brilliant. And I love that he always chooses to cover his face. I mean, he's so awesome. Tom Hardy's up there with Shia for me. Tom Hardy's also unbelievable. He's brilliant. And I love that he always chooses to cover his face. I mean, he's so hot.

Christopher Nolan said that he always, if he needs an actor whose face is covered, he chooses Tom Hardy because he can do more with his eyes than anyone can do with their whole face. He does a lot. Like, Mad Max is mostly, like, looks like he's in surgery. And somehow you still know he's hot, though. You do know he's hot. You know?

It's like, that's just the hot thing. Because I've seen him. I can just feel it. I can see it. I also like how he's just like a very like when Bane I'm 99% sure I'm not going to accuse him

but I'm pretty sure he was just like yeah I did steroids he's like fuck it how else did Tom Hardy wake up the workout I did steroids

that's what the workout was just do illegal drugs yeah just there was no reason not to be honest I mean I guess there's plenty of reasons probably

he probably shouldn't have admitted that. Tom, that was a mistake. I don't know that he did it. Hit the allegedly button. I said 99%. Allegedly. Hit the allegedly button. 3%.

How's married life treating you? That's always such a funny question. I never know how to answer that. That's like when people are like, how's LA? You're like, it's there. Married life is great. My husband is a chef. How does that work? He doesn't cook for you, does he? Everything I eat. that's like when people are like how's la you're like it's there married life is great my husband is a chef and so how does that work he doesn't cook for you does he all everything i eat really

i think a lot of chefs are like crazy people and they're like after i get done on the line doing cocaine i don't want to come home and he uh he cooks everything yeah i thought that would be like uh marrying like a masseuse like i'm not fucking giving a massage he is a terrible masseuse By the way Like it's a shame See that is Probably by design Best thing you can do

In a relationship Is be like Oh let me give you a massage And you're terrible at it And they never ask you again Great at rubbing feet Cannot figure out A woman's back

For the life of him But that's fine We can pay people For these things And he cooks Everything And to the extent That it's my kitchen

And I step into there And all of a sudden There's just a man and they're like, can I help you with something? He doesn't want me to like fuck up anything in the kitchen and so then I've become

less and less capable in the kitchen and now it's to the point where I don't want, sorry baby, you're listening to this, I don't want to do things. I'm like,

what do I do with this dish? He's like, I'll just wash it. I'm like, okay, because I don't want to break it. I'm going to wash the dish. That's how the faucet works.

It's a symbiotic relationship, though. He makes the food, I eat it. There you go. Perfect. I gain the weight, he tells me I look great, and the cycle continues. So it's okay. That is, I mean, sharing a chef is the move. We used to have a third co-host who was Asakira, and I don't know how familiar you are with the porn game, but she's a big one.

And she would say, she's like, yeah, it's, it's like, she, I think that you'd use that example. She'd be like, it's like marrying a chef. Like when I get home,

I don't want to do that stuff. I want to just be regular. I figured chef would be the same way. Right. Um, and food is like sex and that like during it, you're like, this is fucking awesome.

And then after like, why did I do that? That was a horrible thing. Oh, I feel so gross. He is the executive chef of a barbecue place in L.A. Or he helped open it called Blood So's. And it's like, dudes love it.

Every dude's like, I love Blood So's. And he created this cult burrito at Kofax. And so we brought some when I went on Jimmy Kimmel a week ago. We brought some. And this place called Prime Pizza, he helped open it. So we sent some pizzas to James Corden. I'm sorry I didn't come with anything. But I came from so far away.

You brought a dog. I brought a dog. We can eat her. And so he does like all this like dude stuff. And so at home, it's like a lot of vegetables, a lot of hippie food, a lot of lentils. Yeah, but it probably tastes awesome, right? It's awesome. That's the thing.

It's like you get a good chef, they can make healthy food taste good. So then you're not going to get fat. So healthy. It's so good. And he writes cookbooks. And it's cool. I didn't know what bergamot tasted like until I married him. I don't even know what that is.

Bergamot. It's a form of citrus. I've literally never heard that word before. It's delicious. Like it's a fruit? Yeah, it's in season for a couple weeks. It looks like a lemon. And it's refreshing and elegant.

And if you want to impress a girl. Just like you. An elegant food. If you describe a food as elegant. Bergamot's always in perfumes and stuff. And then when you get it with some soda water, you're like, oh, vacation. Vacation in a glass. A question we've always had here was if you could have a personal masseuse,

which I think we reference all of them here, a masseuse, a chef, or a limo driver. And I always went chef. That depends on where you live. I mean, New York, there's so much food available at all times. LA, not so much. So, okay okay personal chef so I guess I have that I do have an assistant

and so she so I'm just trying to think like logistically and I do have TMJ she's like I've got all these what does your assistant do we've been talking about this does she massage you

she no we don't touch each other just and that's so I don't get sued I want to I got her a hat that says security and I

recently I was like we should upgrade your title to director of operations but she just I got her a hat that says security. And recently I was like, we should upgrade your title to director of operations. She's one of my favorite people. Her name is Emily. She has a podcast called Tasteless where she watches the worst movies. Like anything Tara Reid did on a back lot. Anything with sharks or killer turtles.

That's Tom Brady's ex-girlfriend. Be careful. She does everything. I post on my own social media, but she manages any questions. She just manages day to day so that I can pretend that I'm doing work but really just play with my dog.

We've been saying that recently, that we need assistance, but we don't think we're famous enough or rich enough. I can't afford it. When I got her, like I got her from the pound, when I got her...

I bought her a Chinese girl in a truck yeah i didn't yeah i didn't have anything for her to do and then slowly you start to trust this person and now like i don't there's passwords i don't know like she just sets it all up so she could crush me right so we came up our idea was was like we're not like famous or rich enough to have our own assistant but like maybe we could split one and then split one with him and her. It's like a rent-a-assistant. You know what I'm saying? But the problem is, you're going to know my social security

and you're going to set up my shit. I'm not going to give a task. Also, if you share an assistant, they're going to be like, I'm doing twice the work. Yeah, we all pay a little bit. Eventually, they'll be like, I'm managing two people's lives

and this is a lot of fast food that I'm bringing in so I'm just working for Postmates basically I don't know what's going on here just going downstairs waiting for my Postmates

but yeah she makes it easier but basically so you're not cooking your own food anymore you're not doing the dishes you don't set up your own paths you're not doing anything

you're just outsourcing your whole that is the goal that's the goal in life the more money you get you made it outsource everything to the point is the goal. That's the goal in life. The more money you get. You made it. Outsource everything to the point that you are America and every other country. Like I am America. Outsource it all so that you have the luxury.

Also, the honest truth is there's so much brain power that's involved in just the travel and stand-up and promo and shooting stuff. So you just want to know that these little details that can bog you down, like somebody's helping you with that. Um, but yeah, everybody, most people have assistance. I mean,

the fact that you're doing, you're still doing specials and are you still doing like regular routine? I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Ohio. We've got, I mean, and then you're doing movies like you're, that's crazy. And yet I'm like always so bored.

And what's weird is that i have a lot of energy but i was just on the today show this morning and my mom this is the most motherest the motheriest text of all time text me she goes new makeup guy well your your face looks fresh but can you go to the hotel and rest your tired eyes oh fuck off mom she'll never see this she doesn't know what barcelona sports is she doesn't uh and so she'll never know but it's like one of the things we were like cool cool an hour in hair and makeup yeah this is as good as it gets yeah it's like on your instagram this is my glam face i got nothing for me and by the way to any guy out there that tells a girl like you look tired we are i am fucking i'm not even trying

to give you a boner like i'm so tired i don't care i get that often the people like oh you need to get some rest i'm like i got a full 10 hours i'm as rested as i get i am fresh as a daisy yeah i hibernated yeah you're like i'm getting older i don't know i think men take less offense as girls you're like i tried so hard i put snails under my eyes because that's the difference i didn't try so if i look ugly fine right if you try and you get that then it's i always let people know they're like you look beautiful i'm like i tried so hard thank you so much yeah even with the assistant i'm still too tired and you get that, then it's... I always let people know. They're like, you look beautiful. I'm like, I tried so hard. Thank you so much for acknowledging it. Even with the assistant, I'm still too tired.

And you do a podcast, too. I do a podcast. I was looking at it today. You have your friend on. You had your husband on. How did you decide to have a guest like that? I feel like having my friend on, it would be hard to do that. Who's my friend?

Michelle? My best friend. Yes. And everything that I write, I name to do that. Michelle? My best friend. Yes. Only she's my best friend. And everything that I write, I name a character Michelle. She could not care less. She works for the government. She works in economics. Like Hollywood, she's like, I don't care about any of that.

So I'm like. So how did you get her on the podcast? The government. She was visiting. And I was like, local government. It's different. It's not like school of the secrecy CIA. It's like allocating funds in Austin.

Like a comptroller or something. Yeah, exactly. No one knows what a comptroller is. Nobody knows. It sounds like allocating funds in Austin. It's like a comptroller or something. Exactly. No one knows what a comptroller is. Nobody knows. It sounds like controller, but you're like, what are you? It sounds German. Truthfully, we have a podcast studio, and I try to book guests that people would want to ask very specific questions to. We had the casting director for Shark Tank on, and we're going to have Bill Nye the science guy on.

I don't want to just do comics because all comics, like they have comics on and you're like, what about other people who do other things? My husband is a cookbook author and a chef. And so people have a lot of food questions. He was also in the house the day we were recording it. We record some of them from home. So I was like, come on up. And my mom was like, you don't let him talk.

And I was like, well, there was only two mics and i had one and him and emily had the other so it's just whoever i think because people it's ask eliza people writing questions and so it's never about my own ego it's more like what questions do people have that they would want to hear answered and so it's kind of facilitating it yeah it's just kind of like a fun format but that was it he was there and i was like i can't let's just do let's get a guest and we were at home so that's what that was what what was uh was elder millennial like i mean you had done several specials before but was elder millennial when you felt like you really like exploded or was it prior to that i still don't feel like that really made it i'm like made it where here like today i mean if you're here oh i just meant like here like in general. I mean I would say you popped, yeah.

That was it. I think a Wahlberg movie is a movie. Yeah, like you're doing – Fingers crossed. You're doing Wahlberg. You're doing Shia LaBeouf movies. You're – Hopefully they don't cut me out.

You have very successful specials. I'm so cautious. I'm like we'll see. Who knows? Everything always falls apart. Right, right. Elder Millennial I think – I feel like it's a steady build. I mean I've had so many Netflix specials and it's been a steady build and with ticket sales and audiences and the reach.

So, you know, a couple of years ago, could I have done a show in Malaysia like I just did? No. Could you go get invited to Russia? Could you tour all these places that are just now doing stand up? And so it's been really cool to see it incrementally grow and then just get so huge that we're adding third shows to 2,000-person theaters and maybe moving into small arenas next year.

Fuck off, Eliza. Legitimately fuck you. I'm doing arenas in Malaysia. I mean, Jesus. Marinas. It's just me and a harp seal. We don't have... Why is no one answering? We don't have the marinas. It's just me and like a harp seal. We don't have, why is no one answering? We don't have the arenas yet, but it's, you know, it's a goal to keep building that.

But there is that thing with standup, you know, you have to, it's like a, it's like a garden. Oh, kill me. You have to tend to it. That's it, your career's over. I feel like an idiot. I'm so tired. You have to tend to it because you, if you're not developing that material and you're not polishing that material, it's not that your skill set goes away, but the audience wants to see like a tight show.

And so if you take time to go away for a movie and then you come back, like you owe it to yourself to do the road work to get that ready. I think sometimes comics, they go and they do other things and they come back and they're like, oh, what do you guys want to talk about? And it's just like these people spent their hard-earned money. Give them a fucking show. And so stand-up has been so great to me and I am able to do it when I'm not doing these other things because you never know when you're going to get a movie or if your show is going to get picked up.

And so I'm lucky, but I did. It was like blood, sweat, and tears for years of pounding the pavement even prior to the Netflix specials. But I would say Elder Millennial, all the campaigns we did for it and pounding the pavement, even prior to the Netflix specials. But I would say Elder Millennial, all the campaigns we did for it and all the artwork, it kind of was elevated and it kind of clicked a little. And that's probably, that's a good call, probably when it started to shift.

Great call, Kevin. I feel like a lot of comedians often will say that, like, you know, you think I just pop, but I've been doing this for 30 years. The grind as a female comic, does it at some point become a positive? I feel like it's probably harder, but then once you make it, is it because you're a rarity or because you're one of the funny girls? Can I say something? Unpopular opinion, but obviously it's the right opinion because it's mine.

Whatever she's about to say, I'm going to agree with. It's always been the positive. And I think girls need to see, you know, and anyone needs to see this, when you are the minority on a show, whatever,

and so in this case, it would be a woman, like when there's usually like a girl on the lineup. That is your chance. People, if they don't know who you are, which they didn't for many years,

you know, they're like, ugh, what's this? Or let's see what she has to say. And when you crush it, you're the one they're going to remember. You're memorable. You stand out.

Versus the six other white dudes that are also in their 30s. So it's a stepping stone. You can use it as a crutch. You can use it as something to hold you back. It's all what you make of it. I'm not saying that it doesn't exist, like rampant sexism and people being terrible. And it's less and less now. Now, it's never been easier or better for people that are other right to be comics um and i will say that because i was

headlining at like 26 i skipped a lot of the like muck and meyer that a lot of women have to go through where you're opening for someone who's not cool or you're getting shit on you know because i was just by myself traveling the country and what I never had a club owner that was disrespectful or anything like that. But there was like no – the idea of like women's safety wasn't a thing. Like I remember just walking back by myself at night from like across a field to get to my hotel. Like no one was like, oh, she might die. I was like, go. And it's a bigger conversation now.

But women like me and the ones that came before me have made it so that it's a little bit easier for the ones that are doing it now. So go forth and be good. You're certainly doing it. You're killing it. I had that speech ready. Yeah, let's go.

Vote for me. So the movie's out on Friday, Spencer Confidential. And then what's, what's the, when's the shy one? We don't know that. I don't know when that one comes out,

but I have a sketch show on Netflix. It's called The Eliza Schlesinger Sketch Show. Oh, you got it all. Just stop. This is what we do in the shadows. Leave some for the white males, all right? I know, I feel so bad. But there are white males on the show

in limited quantities now. Thank you. Representation's important. But we did, we shot it here in New York. Representing what? Representation is important. I thought you said representing Jason Bourne. I'm like, yeah, he's a white male. He's trying really hard. We shot it here in New York. Representing what? Representation is important. I thought you said representing Jason Bourne. I'm like, yeah, he's

a white male. He was trying really hard. We shot it here in New York and we shot it in Brooklyn. Full disclosure, I've been to Brooklyn maybe once. I'm from Texas. My whole family's from New York and I slept on Brooklyn. I always come to Manhattan for press and all that stuff and I get it.

It's lit. I would love to live there and I really enjoyed being there and we hired a lot we did all local hires and then like a couple of my friends

who flew themselves in because you got to stick your friends in but like they're all like New York very funny UCB people comics

comedians so it was cool to get to meet those people yeah awesome work great stuff that's out April 1st

cool some work for calendars thanks a lot. Appreciate it. Thanks, guys. Make believe I'm everywhere Give it in the light Written on the pages is The answer to a never-ending story Reach the stars Lie a fantasy Dream a dream

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