KFC Radio - Kevin Hart

Episode Date: January 11, 2019

Kevin Hart comes through Barstool HQ to talk The Upside, chasing your dreams and doing stand-up in front of 53,000 people. He tells the two stories about the most racist situations he's ever experienced. What weird routine does The Rock use when he meets little kids? Will HartBeat produce Damaged Whiteboys? Did Dave really think he was Chris Tucker? Kevin Hart on KFC Radio.After Kevin Hart the guys get into Jeff Bezos (31:30) getting divorced and answer voicemails including: Wet Dreams, Adam & Eve, and Not Tipping Delivery GuysYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Bonus episode, KFC Radio. Look at this, look at us. We drop a dollar a week subscription service, Barstool Gold, and you know what we do first week? We give free episodes to the public. You get a podcast, you get a podcast, you get a podcast, you get a podcast. Everybody's getting free podcasts.

As much KC Radio as your fucking brain can consume. Kevin fucking Hart. Kevin Hart, I was keeping track, had three monster flexes during that interview. Every time he opens his mouth, it's a flex. Yeah, but no, he had three like real, real, real monsters. That's what I do when I turn outdoor stadiums into intimate arenas that one and then asking

if he had the ability to like can you do drama he's like I can do everything yeah and then he said he's never had

a movie that was well reviewed by critics and he said but I'm worth a hundred million dollars guess what I don't give a fuck

about your critiques okay fair fair every critic should have to finish their sentence with like but I made a hundred million dollars Guess what? I don't give a fuck about your critiques. Okay, fair. Fair. Every critic should have to finish their sentence with like, but it made $100 million. Yeah. He's worth $100 million, but I didn't like this scene. Right.

You know, the way this was cut, I didn't enjoy it. Fuck you. So Kevin Hart's on the program, sat with us for like 30 minutes and told, he said the two most racist. Should we just get into it? We'll just do it off the top? Yeah, do it off the top? yeah do it off the top let's get to Kevin Hart specifically

he tells the two most racist stories he's ever or racist moments he's ever been involved in or seen they are fucking hilarious so KFC Radio Kevin Hart collab

let's do it alright we got Kevin Hart in the building live in the flesh rolled through like the fucking Wu-Tang Clan, man. It was like 12 of you guys. You're rolling deep.

It's a lot. It's a lot. I'm little, so I need a lot of big people to be around me. It makes me look that much bigger. We got a big brigade. I want to start off on the right foot and tell you I don't give a fuck about the Oscars. I don't give a fuck about the Swedes. You've been clogging my timeline.

Really? It's like just news stories all the time. I don't fucking care, man. I don't want to talk about that anymore. You know what? That's why I chose to shut it down

the way that I did. It's just, it's a never-ending conversation. It'll never stop. It can't please everybody. I don't care about the Oscars. I don't care about tweets from a thousand years ago.

Let's just talk now. Let's talk. Let's talk. We went to the movie the other night. I saw it. We saw the upside. Okay.

And this is how I'm going to tell the people to go see it because it was a weird setting. It was like a premiere for us. A premiere is the wrong word. We were watching. We were just screaming. We were watching with critics. It wasn't a fucking premiere. It was not a red carpet. It was in an office building.

It was probably like 10 seats total and no fucking snacks. I still enjoyed it. Uncom uncomfortable ass seats that's tough no snacks no snacks uncomfortable seats

seats with no arch they didn't lay back at all you go to the theater now you get a waitress a recliner this was just a regular chair no bunch of crunch

no popcorn and I was like shit I don't care how good this movie is I'm gonna get out of here and Mew Cranston killed it it was a great movie it was enjoyable

that's why critics never enjoy movies. That's right. Dude, and I'll tell you what, too. They don't shut the fuck up the whole movie. Not at all. They were in the back of the movie just yapping. What the fuck is going on back here?

I don't know if I see this. It's crazy. We're just talking. Critic talk. This is insane that someone's talking like that. I figured it'd be like sports, like the press box, like no cheering in the press box or nothing like that. Everyone just fucking yammering back there. It was crazy.

I was just thinking about it too because it was the first time I was ever sitting near critics and I'm like, I'm looking at Kevin Hart, ultra successful, funniest guy in the business. I'm looking at Bryan Cranston breaking bad, one of the goats. And these people are probably like, wow, I didn't like this. Fuck you guys.

Their job is to simply critique. There's nothing else that goes into it. The funny thing is, I don't feed in none of it. I don't think I've ever done a movie that's gotten good reviews. I've never done...

I think Jumanji actually is probably the only one out of all the movies that I've done that has gotten good reviews. Every other movie I get gets trashed. That's bullshit. See, I'll tell you what, I'm a huge Kevin Hart fan. Listen, I'm telling you.

I'm giving you guys factual information. Every movie that I have done outside of Jumanji has been trashed by critics. Keep in mind, I'm a $100 million box office guy in movies. Like, the movies constantly,

I'm breaking the $100 million. Does that ever bother you? Like, I never really realized that. I didn't know that, like, none of you realized. No, I don't constantly, I'm breaking the $100 million. Does that ever bother you? I never really realized that. I didn't know that none of you realized. No, I don't even. I laugh because what I have is A Cinema scores. So that's what matters most to me is the fans. So the people that go see the movie, when they come out,

they're giving their ratings of what they think the movie is. That's what you want to be high. You want the A Cinema score. But the critic side of it, I can give two shits about that. Do you think you'll ever chase that maybe? No, fuck no. For what?

Is that kind of what this is though a little bit? Like a drama? Isn't a drama kind of a little bit more trying to get the critics' attention and whatnot? First of all, by the way, this movie's hilarious. It's a great drama. It's a great story.

But it's also really, really... It's personable. It has some really good personable moments. This isn't me chasing critics and chasing the success for, you know, approval, opinions of others. This is me just knowing I'm a talented cat and I just want to do more. So within me doing more, I want to challenge myself. I was going to say, was it a challenge?

You've still done sentimental stuff and heartfelt stuff, but this is, I mean, for those who don't know, Bryan Krantz is a quadriplegic. Kev becomes, like, the unlikely caretaker, and they both kind of show each other, you know, the upside of life. That's why it's the upside. So it's, you know, there are, it's very funny, but there are times where it's, like, deep and moving, and, you know, it's, so I did feel like it was maybe more of a challenge for you, but what do I know? This is, I can't just go and throw a hardcore drama at my fan base.

I can't just tomorrow come and you see me in Fatal Attraction, the reboot. Could you literally? I know what you're saying. I can, yes. I can. But I'm saying I can't just abruptly do that and then expect people to be like, oh, my God, I got to go see that. Instead, I'm going to get the reaction of what? So do you factor that in a lot?

Like what your fan base would like versus what you like? Yeah, you just have to, I have to baby step you into change. So this is the first baby step into change. I'm gonna do another movie in the fall called Fatherhood, which is a much, much more serious,

no plan role. But after seeing this, you'll understand, oh shit, he got that. He can do that. I want to see him a little more. And then after that one, then I'll do another comedy, then I'll do another one that has another challenge. You'll go, oh shit, I remember he did this,

and he did the fatherhood joint. I want to see him in this one as well, because I can see him doing it. It's like, Bryan Cranston's road to get to where he is now. People forget he started at Malcolm in the Middle. That's a very good comparison. He started at Malcolm in the Middle.

Rest in peace. God damn, why did I just... Talented comedian. Robin... Robin Williams. Robin Williams, yes. Same thing, yeah. Robin Williams, one of the most talented comedic actors and comedians ever.

And when he decided to make those changes and to do other things, you could see him. You could see him in those positions. But comedians have the ability to go dark if they want to. Because we're all fucking dark on this. We're all so goddamn dark. We just admit it. We just got some shit in it. I say we as in we're comedians People who kind of be funny

You're a comedian, I'm funny occasionally You guys are There is a comedian in anybody Who's personable for a living You're on a microphone and you're personable So there's a high level of comedy That goes into your job To capture attention and hold it

You're being funny to do that. People love to laugh. So when you do that at a high level and for a time of an hour or two hours, that's a task. Yeah, man. That's a task. Yo, you know what's a task? I just looked at some pictures of Kevin at the fucking, in Philly,

the outdoor stadium. You sold out 53,000 people. And I'm not trying to be rude. I don't want to say anything to offend you, but nobody is that funny. You're like a mile away. You know, if you're front row, fine. But if you're a mile away,

Kev, you're not the biggest guy either. On stage, you must be like... That's why you gotta have amazing production. Production has to make up for it. You know, you got huge, huge screens around you that make people feel like they're right there. So let me ask you that, because to make up for it. You know, you got huge, huge screens around you that make people feel like they're right there. So let me ask you that, because we were talking about it. You're back row at a concert.

There's still music. You're smoking some weed. You're dancing. It's like an experience. If you're just kind of sitting there waiting for jokes, though, I mean, I would imagine trying to captivate that dude, the 53rd thousandth person is... I don't even know how you do it, man. Here's the dope thing about

my style of comedy. What I love the most. I turn big venues into intimate settings. So when you're talking about a 50,000 seat stadium that I turned into a comedy club

by putting an amazing production around, by putting my big screens up around me, but captivating everybody's attention by saying no cell phones because you're going to want to listen. These are stories and these are stories with punchlines and every punchline sets up the next piece to the story, and at the end of the story, you go, holy shit, an hour and ten just went by? Yo, we laughed for an hour plus straight, but we're walking away feeling like we know more about the guy.

I give you a direct look in my life. All of it. I don't give a fuck what it is. That's kind of how we are here too That gets fucking exhausting too though It's I mean It's like you get You get to go with the bad with that

Here's the thing man So many people are afraid To just be themselves So many people are afraid To just be Who you are Like today The cool thing is perfection

For some reason Which is the stupidest shit ever It's impossible It's fucking It's not just impossible It's impossible. It's what it is. It's not just impossible. It'll never happen. It's not interesting either. It's not.

Who wants that? Who wants perfection? Flawed individuals become great individuals. Everybody's flawed. Everybody got some shit. Yeah. Everybody got some shit. My entire life blew up this past year with my marriage and shit.

It all went very public. And people were like, well, why am I going to listen to you now? Or who are you to tell me this? I'm like, bro, I've seen it. I'm the one who should be telling you. I'll tell you what not to do or what you should do or whatever. The people who have it all cookie cutter and good, it's like, you're boring. Well, at the end of the day, man, this shit is like Monopoly.

Life is very similar to Monopoly. And I'm not just talking about just the real estate aspect. I'm talking about the game, the game of fucking life in this life. Your goal is to succeed and try to create as much stability as you possibly can to leave for whoever is coming up underneath you. But ultimately within that one life, you got to make sure that you coming up underneath you. But ultimately, within that one life, you got to make sure that you lived it for you.

Because when you're dead, you're dead. It's a fact. And if you want to get to 60 years old and look back and go, damn, man, when I was 20 to 35, I didn't do shit. When I was 40, I didn't do a goddamn thing for my 40th birthday. Man, I turned 50. What the fuck did I? My life ain't been shit.

You don't want to look back and cuss yourself out because you feel like you didn't do shit. You got to do shit. I'm dead serious. You got to do shit. You got to do bad shit. You got to do good shit. Stupid shit. You got to do stupid shit.

You got to do shit. So when it's all said and done, people look at you and go, hey, man, he did some shit. You did some dope shit. When you look at these stories, man, like I watched, what's the movie, Bohemian Rhapsody? I think it was. When you look at it and you look at the story that's being told of this guy, you watch it and you're in awe of all the things they did. But you're like, hey, man, he might have had some fucked up stuff going on, but he did

some shit. That man lived. Fucking God, I didn't know all of this shit happened. He lived. When you go look at everybody's story. But here's the thing, man. You are a wildly funny and talented comedian. Yes.

Freddie Mercury is an incredible musician. Yes. There's a lot of people out there Who are just ordinary as fuck If you're one of those How do you chase Literally just yesterday we were talking about it Do you chase your dreams and give up a good career Or a good job that you don't love

When you don't have the talent It's easy for you to say it Because you have a one in a bazillion talent But you have to also understand that It wasn't there in the beginning It was there, you worked on it You were born like that you have a one in a bazillion talent. But you have to also understand that it wasn't there in the beginning. It was there. You worked on it, but it was there. You were born like that. When I say it wasn't there in the beginning, I'm saying

success is immediate. The idea of it is. The thought of what you want is. But you gotta get it. But like, little Kevin Hart was running around and your family was going, oh, he's gonna be an entertainer. He's funny. Nobody knew. I was the funny guy. When I said I wanted to do it, everybody was like, I, he's going to be an entertainer. He's funny. Nobody knew. I was the funny guy. When I said I wanted to do it, everybody was like,

I don't think you're that type of funny. You're funny, but I don't think you're that type of funny. Well, like I said, nobody's as funny as you are right now, man. 53,000. Nobody can imagine that, right? When you say that regular individual, here's the thing. So many people get up and they go to work. They take a lunch break.

They get in their car. They drive home. They eat dinner, they watch TV and they go to sleep. And they press repeat. Yeah. Right? Every single day. Nothing wrong with that if you're happy doing that. else, then you do the step and repeat. Build up something so you can have some comfort to at least try to do what you feel you want to do. You can always come back to do what you used to do if you're good at it.

That's true. There is no world where that can't happen. That's what I was saying. Where you're like, you got to at least try. Yes. You can always go back to your- You'll resent everyone in your life if you don't. You'll literally have a dark spot that's in your heart and that will fucking come out to so many people

that have nothing to do with your dark spot. Right. It just takes over everything about you. Yeah, because you become angry. But I think what's crazy about comedy specifically is it takes forever, right? Yeah. And I guess that was... Your girl Tiffany Haddish was in the news think what's crazy about comedy specifically is it takes forever right i mean like yeah and i guess

that that was you know your girl tiffany haddish was was in the news because she she you know forgot her set at that miami show and and kat williams had kind of gone at her and said like she didn't pay her dues and you you know you you you stepped the fuck up and defended your girl on that one that was awesome it was a breakfast club whatever you went in on him. Most comedians have to grind for 20 years before they ever cease. How old are you now? I'm about to be 40. You've been doing it forever.

I feel like you probably had even almost maybe a quicker than some people. There's definitely a lot of people that are 30 years in. It's a business of be prepared for when that moment comes. It might come soon.

It might come late. You don't know when it's going to come. So you think that's kind of what happened with Tiffany? Is that maybe she's a little early, but she got on at the right time? A hundred percent, Tiffany got on at a great moment where she was seen and put in the position to knock a ball out the park. And she did, um,

within the craft of standup comedy, you know, everybody isn't going to be the, the most polished version of the definition of a comedian. You know, some people go about it a little differently in their, their approach is a little different, you know,

Tiffany going and having trouble with that show and not being prepared and forgetting jokes. That shouldn't happen. She knows that that shouldn't happen. Walking away from that show, she's like, yo, it's my job to make sure that don't happen again. But it is what it is. But she's on a higher level to where people don't, they're not using that. And now that they saw it, whoa.

Oh, shit. Because that's what we love. We love negativity. People love to find negativity and highlight it so as a comedian i think the one thing that we really need to know and understand and grasp is that comedy opens up so many doors it just doesn't have to be movies and tv i'm talking from radio to to to personalities for so many different things. Like just the voice that you have as a comedian, the animation side of it, the commercial aspect side of it,

the creativity that comes from it. If you want to be behind the scenes, in front of the scenes, there's so many different things that you find out as you start growing. So that's why as I got bigger, if you notice, my brand started to expand because I was like, yeah, I'm doing it. Oh, no, I didn't catch that's why, as I got bigger, if you notice, my brand started to expand. Because I was like, yo, I'm doing. Oh, no, I didn't catch that. I'm doing.

Oh, you're big? I didn't know you did anything, man. I thought you were on the up. Upcoming little comedian. Nice little clip behind the curtain there. Kevin Hart's getting big. As it got bigger, I spent more time trying to develop my business side as well. Yo, I'm writing shit.

Well, what if I wrote stuff and I sold it? Well, how does that work? Oh, I can do that? I can create my own stuff and sell it? Well, who am I creating it for? Why do they buy? What if I had a company? So can I create stuff underneath my company name

and then partner with people? Oh, I can? Hey, when producing, how does that work? So what, people, you just attach yourself? Wait a minute. Producers are pretty much the people that are just putting projects together? Yeah, that shit is a scam. Executive producer, you just slap your name on it and get paid.

Come on. So it's all relationships? It's all I have an idea? You looking for two new guys to do a podcast? Do you understand? We want a couple of fucking damaged white boys. You found them, dude. That's a new show.

It's called Damaged White Boys. Damaged White Boys. By the way, it's a hell of a name. Right? You think that it's all roses. Take the idea of damaged white boys. Put it in your pocket. You think that it's all roses being a middle-aged white guy.

Well, I'm here. It's not. Let's relax with middle age. By the way, an amazing perspective. If, you know, the quote unquote stereotype is, you know, that the white guy is dealt a better hand. I'm telling you, Kev, there's something here. There's a little truth to it. As a white man, let me tell you a good amount of truth to it. The hand I got is fucking awesome.

It's a full house right away. We all got a full house. But I like the fact that you can come from the perspective of, you know, you can have it and there is a level of damage that can go with it. Some people just fuck it up. My kids, I'm going to tell you what's funny about my kids. My kids are the complete opposite of what I would have thought they would be. Meaning what? Well, just I would assume that my kids would just become spoiled kids.

You know, the opportunities are different. Their lifestyle is above and beyond what mine's ever was. It's almost hard. I would almost think it's automatic that you're going to be somewhat spoiled, right? I guess it's a testament to you as a father. It's crazy. My kids are the most level-headed kids. I have to fight my kids to change their sneakers.

Put on a new pair of goddamn sneakers. Really? Wear the sneakers. Like, run a pair of sneakers in a hole. It's not about clothes. It's not about material things. What the fuck do they like? They're just creative kids.

My daughter draws all day. She went for Christmas. She just wanted a camera. Dad, can you just buy me a camera I want to take pictures and eventually I can be your photographer my daughter's 13

I said honey is that what you want yes because I think I can do it so I want you just to buy me a camera you know what it is they're slow playing it this is a long con

we're not going to cost them any money when we're 13 and when we're like 25 we're getting old well I got a little one my little one's now Zoe Zoe may be the crazy one who knows one of them one of them ain't going to make, I got a little one. My little one's now Zo. Zo may be the crazy one.

Who knows? One of them ain't going to make it. That's a fact. One of them, you got one kid that's going to be fucked up. So it's a known fact. It's which one of them are going to take this fucked up gene that I got and do some of the stupid shit that I've done. And at that point, I got to be like, well, I get it.

I mean, it's a stupid mistake. I get it. I'm there for you. I'm there for you. I'm there for you. I just don't know which one, but I'm gonna be very patient. You mentioned you do this for the people coming up behind you in the new up-and-coming acts.

I feel like you might have done that for Dwayne Johnson. Maybe you paved the way for him. My back hurts. My back hurts because I've been carrying him for way too long. He's heavy as fuck, too, man. He's heavy. I don't know how long people expect me to drag his big ass to the top. It's really annoying is what it is. I can see that. I get it.

Everyone we've talked to thus far, they get in here. Anyone who's worked with The Rock or Dwayne Johnson, everyone's just got nothing nice to say about him. No, no. I can't imagine. And they shouldn't. And they shouldn't. And they shouldn't. You know, right now for Jumanji,

we brought in Danny DeVito. We got Awkwafina who's coming in. And it's because I need help. So you got Danny DeVito and Awkwafina. Yeah, I got Danny DeVito. It's an all-stars crew to just drag this guy around. You might be able to grab one of his legs. Well, if that.

No, man, he's a great guy. No, no, no, no. I don't want to hear that. Listen, we are on a quest to find someone to just say, just take him down. I just want to hear

one thing. We're not a takedown culture here. No, I want to hear one thing. Rob Corddry came through from Ballers. Anybody who's ever been on the show, I said,

tell me a time where The Rock wasn't the best guy, great guy you've ever met and they won't do it and I think they're liars or, and if there's one person

who knows it. He's got some jackass shit with him. He's got some jackass shit with him. He's got some jackass qualities. You know what he does? You know what I tease him about? He's got a scripted move with kids.

Like whenever he sees kids, it's the same thing over and over again. I tease him. He'll see a kid, he'll go... He does this weird weird like double click noise like and he fucking does this like Hawaii thing with his hands and he rubs

a kid's head. Fuck you doing, man? Why do you treat every kid like what are you doing? Stop fucking rubbing these kids. Stop it. Stop it. He's like, what are you talking about? I said, stop the... What are you doing? What are you doing? Like, what?

Who are you? Is it the 80s? Is everyone in the fucking 80s? Say hello. Speak to the goddamn kid. I get having that script, though, because we've talked about that before where it's like, like, there's like this unspoken contest when you get in a room with, like, a kid. And, like, every parent's like, I got to win that kid.

He's got to, like, not every parent, every adult. Like, he's got to like me the best. And so, like, when we're, like, Christmas, we have, like, everyone's just, like, trying to, like, we have one little cousin. That's it. Like, everyone's just trying to, like, be like, not every parent, every adult. He's got to like me the best. And so when we're at Christmas, everyone's just trying to like, we have one little cousin. That's it. Everyone's just trying to be like, Annie, come here. Annie, come play here. Look what present I got you. So I can see if that's what works, I'm going to drop that on her next time. Somehow I feel like the rocks might just be a little better than ours.

Just remember I told y'all. I'm going to look for it now. About the click and this right here. Like when you see him, he'll see kids, he'll be like, hey, hey, how you doing? It's so easy to impress kids

when you're just that fucking big. Yeah. I'm a literal superhero. I'm a comic book character. He's absolutely, he's fucking huge. He's huge, man. He's got,

that's a big boy. That's a big boy. Like when we do these stunt scenes, you know, I watch because there's things that, like, we have to do together. And, like, there's moments where we're like, okay, Kev, like the stunt coordinator. All right, Kevin, this is where you come in and DJ. I don't know. Maybe you, like, grab Kev by the neck.

And I was like, well, maybe my stunt guy coming to see that part. I don't know about that. That's why we pay him. Let's get him. Grab him by the neck. Like, I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I don't know about that. That's why we pay him. Grab me by the neck. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe with my goddamn Mr. Mice and Men hands over here. Crack my goddamn neck.

Like a Lenny just crushing you. Yeah, that's not going to do it to me. How about you, a Mice and Men reference? I love it, Kev. Let's get Joseph in here. Stand here. Let me watch how you do it and see if I can do it. See if it makes sense for me.

That's what I'll do. So before you were here, you were eating pizza with our boss Dave. Yeah. And this dude jumped out in the middle of filming it. And did you pick up on the fact that he said he thought it was Jackie Chan? Yes, he did. Because you did the movie with him. Do you realize

that he thought you were Chris Tucker? Yes, he thought I was Chris Tucker for two seconds. Okay, I wanted to make sure. He thought I was Chris Tucker for two seconds. What was going through your mind at that point? What an idiot he is. He's so goddamn stupid to me. Here's the funny thing today. Let me tell you what honestly went through my mind.

I was like, man, I can't even say a funny joke back right now. There's cameras and shit on, and then this will be on the blogs tomorrow, and it'll come up. Don't listen. Just say what you were going to say. No one's listening right now. I was like, I'm on the blogs tomorrow, and it'll come up. But literally, when the Asian guy popped up, he was literally, he just starts saying

shit. And I just looked at my security. My security came in. But my photographer is Kwan. Kwan is Asian. So an ongoing joke that I have with Kwan is anything Asian, I just always talk to Kwan about, right? So as soon as it happened, it was over, I go to Kwan, I was like, what was that about,

Kwan? He's going to know. Is that something you guys do? People are eating pizza, you jump out and surprise them? Kwan, what was that about? Like, what was that about? He's like, what are you talking about, man? I was like, you know, What was that whole thing about?

The movie Crazy Rich Asians killed. It was such a good movie. I called Kwan. I was like, hey, man, congratulations. It's big, man. It's huge. At my company, at Heartbeat, we got a couple of Asian guys that worked there as well.

We had Monday meetings office meetings so keep in mind we have I have nothing to do with Crazy for Chains I opened up the movie and I was like

let's just start off by by fucking giving you guys just do what you deserve Crazy for Chains is fucking killed this weekend

so you guys should you guys everybody gets a piece of that Oscar all you guys it was just the funny like literally the whole month that the movie was coming out I would just go to my guy John Chang he's the head of development

I'm like how we looking we tracking big he's like Kevin just shut up man I just want to make sure everybody's happy around here so literally when the guy jumped out I just looked at Quan I was like what was that Kwan

when he came back and we heard you thought you were Chris Tucker that's the funniest thing ever and his cameraman Frankie's like no well they

they had the same voice like the same pitch I'm like yeah I'm sure he was listening to the pitch of his voice he didn't just think that the other black guy was Chris Tucker

I'm sure that's what was going on that's good good spins on him I think that's beautiful ignorance, though. I would laugh at that. Yeah, of course. It's funny. He's just an idiot.

It's impossible to even explain him to anybody. He doesn't get names right. He doesn't have a memory. He's just a fucking moron who eats pizza. I'm going to give you the most caught off guard thing that's ever happened to me. And I've had a lot. I've had a lot of shit. I've seen a lot of shit.

I give you two stories. One is about me. One isn't. And I've had a lot. I've had a lot of shit. I've seen a lot of shit. I give two stories. One is about me. One isn't. So I'm on a plane. And I forgot where I was going. I think we were going. I was going international. So we're sitting up front.

And there's a black guy sitting across from me. Right? Asian guy comes, sits on a plane. It's the most racist thing I've ever seen in my Asian guy comes, sits on a plane. It's the most racist thing I've ever seen in my life. Asian guy sits on a plane. The black guy leans up. It was like a taller Asian guy. He taps the Asian guy on the chest. He was like, yo,

what's up with Yao Ming, man? I was just like, what the fuck was that? What year is this? Is Yao Ming, like, playing? This is like Yao Ming was, like, he had hurt his foot.

Okay, okay. He had hurt his foot. What the fuck was that? He goes, what's up with Yao Ming, man? It was like expecting this man to give him the intel on Yao Ming. Like, he was supposed to go, that's a two-foot fracture. Like, he's supposed to break down.

It'll be out in six to eight weeks. Okay, this is part two. This is the most racist thing I've ever witnessed. This is me. I'm at a Vanity Fair party, okay? Don Rickles is there. Somebody says, Don Rickles wanted to meet me. I'm like, oh, shit. Don Rickles, man. Goddamn legend. Yeah, I'll go meet Don Rickles. Where is he? He's in the there. Somebody says, Don Rickles wanted to meet me. I'm like, oh, shit. Don Rickles, man.

Goddamn legend. Yeah, I go meet Don Rickles. Where is he? He's in the back. I go walk in the back. Don Rickles sees me. He goes, oh, my God. Look at you.

You look like a cute little monkey. He smacks me. He taps my cheek twice. And I'm standing there. And I'm like there and I'm like I'm like I'm like Jesus Christ listen I like I got like a a little slider in my hand

there's like a little burger in my hand and I'm like I can't even eat this fucking burger right now I gotta like what am I gonna do am I gonna fucking

snap on Don Rickles that's no I can't I gotta fucking laugh it off right now cause Don Rickles don't know no better I was gonna say Don Rickles. That's no... I can't... I gotta fucking laugh it off right now because Don Rickles don't know no better. I was gonna say,

it's like... Don Rickles is still in his era of comedy, so... I look around at the people that's with Don Rickles, you just see their hand,

like, in... Their, like, hands are in their fucking head and I'm like, ah, it's okay, Don. Give me a hug, man. He's like, come here, give me a hug.

I'll put you back. I was like, Jesus Christ. All right. Let me get the fuck, come here, give me a hug. I'll put you back. Oh my. Jesus Christ. All right. Let me get the fuck out of here. Let me just get the fuck out of here. I can't even eat my,

you know you're some racist shit when you can't even finish a cheeseburger. I can't even fucking eat this slider. You're so racist my tongue is not working.

The taste buds gone. I can't even, if you could have seen my face. Keep in mind, I'm still laughing though because of how fucking absurd the moment is. And I know he doesn't know any better. In his eyes, it's a bit.

He's not being racist. It's a bit. He's doing a bit. He's inherently racist, but he's not hateful. He's like that. It's like talking to Archie Bunker. If you could have seen me go, I'd go back to my wife. I was like, yeah, Don Rooker just called me a little monkey. And slapped me in the face twice.

Like a double cheek slap. She said, what'd you say? I threw my burger away. That's all I could do. I just got the fuck out of there. Ain't nothing going to happen. Later on, I saw his people. They was like, no, are you okay?

I was like, it's fine. It's comedy, I saw his people. They was like, no, are you okay? I was like, it's fine. It's comedy, guys. Those are my two most racist moments that I've ever personally witnessed. That Rickles one is fucking... That might be the most racist moment ever. Aside from... Well, listen, we can't...

We're not going to get any better than that. You got to move on. You're a busy dude, so we appreciate you coming through. I appreciate y'all. What was your favorite movie you saw this year? Favorite movie I saw this year? Yeah. Believe it or not, Crazy Rich Asians was really good. It's not my favorite, but I'm dead serious. It was a really good movie.

Who do you think is the best actor? I have to say, I think Bohemian Rhapsody was really good, man. That story was great, and he did a fucking amazing job embodying that guy. And Gaga, probably best. Gaga was amazing. Gaga was dope probably best. Gaga was amazing. Gaga was dope as hell. And Star is Born. I'm a Bradley Cooper fan, though.

Me too. Philadelphia. I just like that he's transitioned just into something else. He's at the top of his game. Very elite. I'm trying to think. What else? What else?

I think those two, for me, are the real deals. But Bohemian Rhapsody, that performance was, you know, that was something else. I've heard Bohemian Rhapsody is great. I haven't seen it, but I love The Star is Born so much that I resent it for winning the Golden Globe shit. Really? I don't want to see it anymore. You don't want to see it at all? Fuck that movie.

You have to see it. I heard you have to see it in theaters, though, because it's like a concert experience. You have to see it. It's that good. It's that good. It's that good. And you're a movie buff. If you're talking about Born to Star. Of course.

Yeah, if you're talking about Born to Star, you've got to be a movie buff. You would enjoy the movie for real. All right. I'll take your word for it. Go see it. You should host the Oscars. Yeah, you just did a hell of a job hosting the Oscars right there. Yeah, it's not going to happen.

See y'all later. All right. Don Rickles. He's dead, right? Don Rickles is dead now. Yes yes i think he died last year probably for the best if you're running around calling people little little monkeys i mean that was like that's literally the like the the world has passed you by and it's time to go i forget if i told kevin on air or off air but i was like that was so racist i didn't know if i was allowed to laugh even at this story like even at the at the retelling of it. I'm racist for even enjoying this.

God damn. I almost got transitive property racist there. I'll tell you what's about to happen, by the way. We're about to get a show with Kevin Hart. Damaged White Boys coming to Netflix soon. He talked about it after the show again. He was like, yo, Damaged White Boys. That's kind of dope. It's a great name.

We'll do a hashtag DWB or some shit. That was very funny when he was like, yeah, that's an interesting thought. Like, everybody thinks you've been dealt a good hand. I mean, you have. You have. Can't confirm. You saw the wheels spinning, and then he was like, no, wait a minute. It's awesome for white people.

Never mind. Can't confirm. I've had a pretty solid life. That is one dude, man. I mean, I didn't like it. You've always been on him. You've always loved his movies. I got on Hagin Heart main.

I used to, like, not trash him, but clown him a little bit. That's what I mean. I used to clown him until... Ride Along was my first. That was forever ago. Ride Along 1 was probably... He's just been doing the Good Buddy movies and shit like that. But they're, you know, like he said,

they're not going to win awards and critically received and all that shit. So I used to clown on him. I used to think, you know, whatever. He's just kind of doing these mainstream things. But you just reach a point of success where no matter what, even if it's not like

your cup of tea, it's like, this is just so fucking baller. And then if you get the chance to meet him, you realize he's just like... You always try to talk to him about... He's got a sneaker line.

Yeah. He's the only comedian to ever have a sneaker line with Nike. It's a dope sneaker too. It is. He debuted on Kimmel last year or something, right? It wasn't last Nike. It's a dope sneaker, too. Yeah, it is. He debuted on Kimmel last year, right? Yeah.

It wasn't last year. It was a couple years ago, but yeah. Unbelievable. I mean, that's when he was like, yeah. And then you realize, you can do this and you can do that. I don't know if you guys have noticed my brand expanding. Yeah, I took note. Yeah, bro.

It caught up to me. The news of Kevin Hart's brand expanding has reached New York from Los Angeles. Words traveled. Kevin Hart might end up being the richest man in the world, especially after Jeff Bezos lost all that dough. 70 mil. Bezos. Wait, it's only 70 million?

Well, that's what he gave up, yeah. Oh. I think he was at like $1.40 and he gave up half. He gave up 70. No. I mean, Jeff Bezos is a hundred billion. Yeah. Give him seventy billion dollars. Oh, this is seventy million.

She's the richest woman in the world now. Seventy billion. Really? He just cut the check for half. I mean, I get it, but at one point it's like like what's half of infinity you know what i mean it's like it doesn't fucking matter anymore trust me it matters to other people doesn't matter jeff bezos but what interested me the most out of this whole affair is the way he

was getting down with his alleged mistress he he this is unimaginable wealth jeff bezos basically set up a shell company to give his mistress a job so that they could always be around each other and the shell company he created it's not like oh like you know a lot of people be like you're my assistant you're my secretary or like let's say you're big time it's like i'll give you like a company where you like you're big time. It's like, I'll give you like a company where you like your personal shopper or something else. You know, he created a space exploration company for her to work in called the Blue. What's it called? Let me read here. Blue Origin.

It's Bezos. It's a documentary of Bezos space exploration unit. And all he just kept doing is pushing back all the dates of this documentary and this space exploration program so that she could continue to work there so that he could bang her they called it the 50 million dollar alibi i remember when this came out that bezos was starting uh a space company of sorts and even then people took note people were like what the fuck you need you doing this well you need space for, man? And his response was, I don't know what to do with my money. And then this is a film documentary project about the company he doesn't even fucking need for his girlfriend to just hang around.

He gave the worst answer imaginable with that. I don't know what to do with my money. Because that just led to screenshots of like, Jeff Bezos says he doesn't know it to his money so he created a space company. And then a screenshot next to that Amazon workers are passing out because they have bad working conditions. And it's like, well maybe you should put your money in. Put that money into the working conditions. Not great. But motherfucker wanted to explore her anus.

Ha! Ha! Nailed it! We're talking about butts. Smashed it! Oh, I smashed that! Yeah, you did. You write that one ahead of time? Written down? Maybe written on your hand?

A little cheat sheet? I thought about it like 30 seconds before. That's it. I did have it up my sleeve. It wasn't written down, but I was like, oh, we're talking about space? I'm talking about her anus. Got it. Yeah.

Nailed it! Talking buttholes. I mean, I just can't imagine being like... and then he dangled Lin-Manuel Miranda on like he said he hired Lin-Manuel Miranda to film an Amazon Super Bowl commercial and insisted that his girlfriend would be part

of the team so it's like yo you want Lin-Manuel Miranda I'll get you that girl you want to work with him I got that having money must be so cool I'd really like to have money one day that'd be fucking awesome. No, no, no. He did get fucked up.

That's not even money, bro. That's not even money. That's just like, I mean, that is, it's just a number that your brain doesn't compute. Yeah, but no, I'd just like to have money though still. Yeah, just want like a little bit of money. Either way, yeah, it's cool. Like the, but he got fucked because you know who orchestrated this entire thing? Donnie.

Donald Trump. Donald Trump orchestrated this entire fucking? Donnie. Donald Trump. Donald Trump orchestrated this entire fucking thing. You don't respond. It's going to be a beauty when someone says, hey, did you see that divorce? You don't say it's going to be a beauty unless you have vested interest in it going down. First of all, just a scumbag thing to say about anyone. I'll be honest. The whole reaction, I mean, maybe it's because I'm a little too close to the situation, but

the amount of people just being like, yeah, you do you, girl. Get that bag. Secure the bag. I'm like, fuck divorce and fuck these rules. This is stupid. I mean, Bill Burr does have that whole bit about Tiger Woods. He's like, why does she deserve $500 million? It's crazy.

It's like, what did she do? He's like, he's the greatest golfer of all time. You get to live, no doubt, but Bill Burr's bit is funny. I'm not going to do it justice because I'm not going to try. But it's true as fuck. It's a funny bit. But Donald Trump, I don't know how many people have connected the dots here. He 1,000%

orchestrated this. Without a shadow of a doubt. Because it was... He obviously hates Bezos because he owns the washington post and he's just wealthier than him i mean imagine donald trump hates anybody who's well here i imagine that too uh any guy who fakes his to being his own publicist to tell forbes how much money is worth and full of lies facts probably wants the people to think he's extremely wealthy but

besides that he hates the way the washington post covers him and he calls it amazon's washington post or bezos's washington post whatever he calls it Amazon's Washington Post or Bezos' Washington Post, whatever he calls it. Something along those lines. And the National Enquirer is Donald Trump's. National Enquirer always has Trump's back. Always has forever. Still does. That was the source talking about this blue orange.

That was the source talking about everything. They did the entire thing. The National Enquirer, I think they followed him across 50 countries. The National Enquirer is like sort of real. I always thought that was the one that was like, Elvis is a fucking alien. It is, but they also do. Sometimes they nail it. Like, yeah, it's like TMZ.

TMZ is like, look what Ronnie said about this. And then it's like also like, oh, yeah, by the way, Roger Goodell's intentionally not looking at videotapes. So people don't take it seriously, but they do break real news occasionally. But Donald Trump definitely commissioned this investigation to catch Bezos. There's no doubt in my mind. That's so dirty, man. Yeah, but I respect it.

I do. And I hate, look, I mean, I'm not quiet about my true hatred for Donald Trump. But I respect the grudge. I always do. Yeah. And, like, I mean, he hated this guy. He found a way to take him down. Like we always say with the Hulkster and Gawker, like we always tip a cap to the Hulkster. He had a grudge. He wanted to take him down. We always say with the Hulkster and Gawker, we always

tip a cap to the Hulkster where he had a grudge. He wanted to take him down. He took him down. I mean, Trump did that with Bezos. Is this taking him down? I mean, it's taking him down $70 billion. I feel like they'll make that back in a day. I feel like their shit fluctuates tens of billions on a weekly basis.

He'll be back to $1.40 in a heartbeat. And nobody seems to care, especially considering that Jeff Bezos definitely has dead bodies in the trunk if you refer to another girl as the alive girl. Hey, you're my favorite alive girl. What do you got, dead ones too, Bezos? Allegedly, probably dead girls.

Definitely, maybe. I'm trying to think of what... That had to be a typo, right? That's the big problem with sexting, is when you throw a typo out there and then that gets put out as your sext game. The big problem is context, man. You take anybody's sexts out of context, they look like a creep. Oh, no doubt.

In the moment, you could have had her like a fucking waterfall, man. In the moment, you were saying the right things or it's like a callback. You know, it's a reference to something else or an inside joke. And then all of a sudden you see like a live girl and you think that this guy is like a callback. You know, it's a reference to something else or an inside joke. And then all of a sudden you see like a live girl and you think that this guy is like a robot. Maybe that's just a joke that makes the pussy wet. Could it be a lot girl? Because I love you comma alive girl.

That's what I'm looking at. I also feel like I have to make this clear. Any capital letters? When I'm on my phone. I'm not just like texting. I'm looking things up. Is the capital alive? Is I love you comma, no, lowercase alive is I love you comma no lowercase alive

I love you a lot girl I don't think he'd be saying that I mean but he also said shit like I want to smell you I want to breathe you in yeah which I love

I want to show you I love that line I want to show you my lips I want to breathe you in that's some romantic shit these aren't sex these are love letters yeah right

this is like this is like a Shakespeare this is a postulatory relationship yeah that's right go check out The Upside. That they also fucked on. Yeah.

Actually, oh yeah, Kevin Hart's on this episode promoting The Upside. The apostolary relationship is from The Upside. I've dropped that 10 times. Apostolary? Yeah.

I've dropped it all the time. All the time, yeah. I'm in an apostolary relationship. Yo, I just want to make sure. I will show you with my mouth. I'm sorry. I will show you with my body and my lips and my eyes

very soon. I think that's romantic as shit too. That's some fucking beautiful stuff. I didn't say it's not romantic. I just, you know, it's not sexting. will show you with my mouth i'm sorry i will show you my body and my lips and my eyes very soon i think it's romantic as shit too that's some fucking i didn't say it's not romantic i just you know it's not sexting i want to hold you tight i want to show me your butthole girl yeah this is this is fucking some uh uh passion x yeah this is passion x right of sexting right this is these are romance novels where you say like breasts yeah yeah yeah exactly he probably dropped a caress in there at some point yeah definitely he said whisper a lot definitely well whatever do you bezos i mean no fucking way what do you think a guy with 120 billion was just not doing whatever

the fuck you wanted at all times i think i think i would if i got that rich i think i would i think i would just like i don't think I'd fuck my wife anymore I'd just fuck piles of money it's not cheating if it's inanimate yeah I just bang I mean no

the fact that Jeff Bezos doesn't have like at least one sex robot that is as real as fucking humanly possible

you know yeah it's funny it's not it's not cheating she's electronic you know how they always say rock stars kind of like you know yeah i think honey it's not it's not cheating she's electronic you know how they always say rock stars kind of like you know the rock stars of the world um the wanes of the world

they always they like they fucked everybody right they fucked everything they don't have the whole yeah yeah right i think bezos i think you get so rich where you just like you don't you become obsessed with inanimate things yeah it's you're no longer turned on by the human body. The worldly things. You've had so much interaction with the cyber world and money and things like that where I think at that point, sex doesn't even appeal to you anymore. That's not what gets you off. No, it's like, yeah. It's like business deals get Bezos off, not sex.

Yeah, no doubt. Like buying companies, destroying mom and pop shops turns Bezos on. I could see him doing some like that fin dom shit that financial dominatrix shit oh yeah yeah yeah or I could see him just like fucking emote him yeah I kind of get financial domination yeah I saw

a video once of skin diamond just explaining it and I was like yeah I get it she's like I never even met the guy he just had to text me before he made purchases. And I was like, that'd be kind of hot. That'd be kind of hot. You're one sick pup.

Get into these voicemails. What do we got? What's up, guys? First time, long time. Never thought I would be one to actually call in, but I had to tell you about my very romantic wet dream that I had the other day about fights. Whoa!

I guess the red holiday blazer did it for me. Anyways, you two guys are like life partners, right? Yep. I'm wondering, what is the most intimate thing that you guys have ever done for each other or together? Thanks. Whoa. This is some question.

It started hot, ended pretty bad. There's a roller coaster there. I need all the credit for the wet dream. I get all the blame. Yeah, I was going to say. Okay, that's fair. We needed a pick-me-up after that girl called us chunky. Do girls have wet dreams?

I guess so. Apparently. I would imagine you just wake up wet. I don't think you wake up in a puddle. Do you think they cum, though? It's so hard to get a girl off when she's conscious If a girl's out there coming in her sleep Just like with her brain

And I can't even do it with all my appendages It's a problem It's an issue But then again the female orgasm is a myth in general So whatever Wet dream, fights Most intimate thing we've ever done.

We were constantly in robes in bed together. That's not even intimate. That's erotic. I think I kissed you at the fucking casino. Kissed you on the neck. That was something. A little neck kissy kissy.

I don't know. I meant to get you a Christmas gift. Did you? That would have been awkward because I wouldn't have had one for you because I definitely wasn't planning on that. I forgot, but I meant it. The nicest thing you've ever done for me is the episode right after I got caught cheating. That's the nicest thing maybe anybody's ever done.

Low bar. Let's keep it there. I don't know if there's anything I could even do in return until you. I'll have a fuck up. I don't worry about it. I'll get you back. I just I've just been reading the ad for seven years. The what?

I've been reading the ads for seven years. That's it. I let John check Twitter like five or six times an episode. That's the most intimate thing I've done. I mean, but that's just a guy relationship. There isn't,

guys don't, there's never anything to do for each other. Like, I know girls who just like, I can't do anything this week.

I have to set up for like, Alyssa's birthday party. What are you talking about? Right. We meet. And you get into like the weddings and shit.

You get balloons. Showers and all that. I don't know, like we just, it would be, for guys, it's just kind of uncomfortable to do intimate things. Yeah. I wouldn't, like, if you did something, I wouldn't be like, that's weird, man.

I would accept it graciously. But it's just like, we don't want to do these things. And it's not something, like, I think women and girls, I think if something isn't done for them, I think they take it personally. And they're like, oh, she hates me. Yes. Like, I just, I don't ever expect you to think if a birthday comes and goes and there's not forget about like if you didn't wish me a happy birthday or something that's like if you didn't like throw

me a fucking gala right problem i do try i do try my best to wish happy birthdays to my close i'm not it's only six people i should be able to remember i can't still um but the uh i do try my best to wish happy birthdays but i don't really get presents. I don't really. So, yeah, man, happy birthday. I'll get you a drink after. Yeah. Just do something mutual. It's, I don't.

Like, I'll pick up the tab at dinner or something. Right. I'll fucking buy you something. What were you going to get me? I was, I was going to get you. Something for my treadmill? No, I was just going to get you a calendar. And the letter was just going to be about 2019's our year.

Hey. All right. That would have been cute. That would have been intimate. Yeah, yeah. All right, the thought that counts, though. Right, yeah, I totally forgot. I could have just not told you and just done it. Yeah, definitely.

You could have just done that now. Yeah, I could still do it. Happy fucking January. I could still do it, but I'm still not going. No, but it's still a thought that counts. I told you, yeah. It was like yeah we're 2018 we've turned the page 2019 2019 is the year kfc done probably not hey kfc fight super producer bc

got a quick question for you guys so i just ordered food it was from uber eats and so afterwards uh the guy calls me up and he tells me he's here. I'm like, okay, well, just come to my door. I'm like, oh, come on down. And he basically explains that it's impossible to find my building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I need to come down to his car. So I do because I can tell, like, this guy's not going to

take no for an answer. He's being a big pain in the ass. So I go down to his car, get the food. Of course, he was right outside my building. All he had to do was get out of his car and walk up to my stairs. And so when I went back inside and I went on to the Uber Eats app,

and it asked me if I wanted to tip, I tipped nothing. So I wanted to know if I'm an asshole, or if this guy should expect no tip for making me have to leave. I mean, I always leave a tip no matter what. But if a guy blatantly lies to you and makes you come down and get it, I could, you know.

Although, by the way, if we're talking about that bitch-ass Uber Eats, I don't do the additional tip on Uber. Well, that was the point I was going to bring up. This is really on the apps and the tech companies because it's not clear to me. Are these people getting full salaries? What's the deal? This chair is so low.

The initial thing about Uber was no tip. And now you get a pop-up. Is he still paid? All I know is when I got Uber, I was sold a bill of goods. I don't have to tip you. That's what I'm rolling with. Yeah. Depends. It's almost like i prefer you shut the fuck up and that's

that's what should get you a tip because that's what makes a happier ride for me yeah but that will get you no tip and then if you just don't do it if you do talk i feel like i'm emotionally invested in you so that will get you a tip but but I will have had a worse ride. Which is weird. I had a guy drive me from our office to my house last winter when there was a blizzard coming. It was like, get out of the city because you're not going to be able to get out.

By the time he got to my house, it was like this blizzard was raging. I was like, I don't think this guy's going to be able to make it back. So I threw him a tip. I'm not just doing the random tips on Uber, though. I do. Because I'm such a sucker. If I'm prompted for a tip, I give a tip.

Like, there are, if there's a line on the receipt, if it's just sign, I just sign. If it says tip, I'll add a dollar, I'll add two dollars. Even if McDonald's has a tip line, I'll throw someone at you. You know what I started feeling about recently? I started feeling bad about when you tip, it also goes to the chefs, right? If you tip your waitress at a restaurant, they split it up amongst the whole service staff, right? Yeah, not chefs, though.

Oh, okay. Because I was thinking- Like the busboy, yes. Okay, because when I get takeout, I'll go to the bar, I pick up wings. I don't tip that because the waitress didn't do anything, but I'm like, wait a minute, am I screwing the guy who cooked my wings? Well, maybe I'm just thinking about nice restaurants. I don't know about a wing joint. I don't tip that because the waitress didn't do anything. But I'm like, wait a minute. Am I screwing the guy who cooked my wings? Well, maybe I'm just thinking about nice restaurants. I don't know about a wing joint.

I don't know. I don't know who gets tipped out there. Like a bar, you know, like, yeah. But like at a restaurant, you know, the chef is chef. I consider myself a good tipper, but I don't. I'll just default in that case. But if you want to zero out a tip from a guy who lied to make you come down and get it, I don't think.

And he's probably still getting, I imagine, a cut of whatever that order was. Some of those companies have delivery fees and whatnot. It's $4 just to get it delivered. Who's that going to? The guy delivered it. I imagine he's getting some of that. You're a real piece of shit, though, if you're going to be a delivery man

and not be willing to walk out of the car. Dude, my house actually... This line of work just ain't for you, bro. My apartment, we just got a new bell to get at the door kind of deal. And I still haven't figured it out, and most people haven't either. So it's quite difficult. Yeah, I mean, when I came over that time, I had to run down and get my own food.

Right, right, yeah. So that's what happens all the time. Right. And in fact, actually, people have gotten better at it. That's on you. You can't penalize them for that. No, I don't penalize them for that, but it's just a real pain in my ass. Let's do a little

movie talk. Hey, guys. So, I was having a lazy Sunday the other day and I watched Tag, you know, a movie with Jeremy Winters. Great movie. Run around as adults playing tag and shit. And then watched Cloverfield after that.

And then fell asleep and in the dream, I had a group of friends that were playing tag during the impeding apocalypse during Cloverfield. So it kind of led me to think, if you can combine two movie plots, what would they be? Combine two movie plots. Olympus is Fallen in White House Town.

Just make one giant movie. That's a great question. I know that one of my choices, one of my movies will be Independence Day. Oh, I'm combining Independence Day and Jurassic Park. Done. That's a pretty good one. Or basically more combining Independence Day and Jurassic Park. Done. That's a pretty good one.

Or basically more like Independence Day and Jurassic World, where the dinosaurs are out. Imagine that if there was aliens and the fucking... If the Kramp fights is having a Kramp situation. It's right on the bottom of my foot. Yeah, that's the worst. You got a little plantar fasciitis going? Yeah, pull it back.

Pull it to the sky. So, but like, I can, whatever two movies you combine, I can probably tell you the movie you're making. You just made Rampage.

Like, not only can I tell you the movie, but it's probably Star of the Rock. See, I was thinking something a little little different i was thinking more of like a rom-com and an action thriller yeah talk to that's everything i need talk to him what do you think like or maybe like a little fast and the furious let me be like like a rom-com set in race cars yeah that's that's fast and furious yeah pretty much you don't know fast and furious if you don't

know what the romantic intricacies of it true story there's a lot of true story a lot of familial set in race cars. Yeah, that's Fast and Furious. Yeah, pretty much. You don't know Fast and Furious if you don't know about the romantic intricacies of it. True story. There's a lot of familial ties, a lot of romantic intricacies, a lot of fucking jokes

being had. Fast and Furious is a rom-com with cars and shit blowing up. It's the best movie ever. I don't know, for some reason, I was thinking

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Salt. Those are the first two movies I thought of. What's the Salt? Salt? No, the Salt is the Charlize Theron,

kind of like Jason Bourne type style thing. It doesn't make any sense. I don't know why. I haven't even seen Salt, if we're being honest. I've just seen the trailers. I don't know why those are the first two movies that come into my mind. Whatever.

Sounds like a heater to me, man. Let us know. Get us on Twitter, at KC Radio. Combine two movie plots. This is one, if you get some thought, you can probably come up with some banger shit. What about like... What about like Terminator? Because then you can get the

send back in time vibe. Like Terminator with Braveheart. Braveheart was one I was thinking of too. Why? Because it's fucking awesome. That's why. No, it was more than that. Or like, I'm thinking like overarching things. Take like Men in Black,

and now you can be like, any other time period, someone's going to come down and be like, yo, there are aliens amongst you. You know what I mean? Like Men in Black and Braveheart? Yeah, so like somebody shows up, and it's like William Wallace.

Guess what? Like, Longshanks, he's actually an alien. You know? We could also just like do the... And erase them. Like you forget your part of it. Would that not be the greatest... In another case, you're radio hypothetical. Like if you could make one fake thing real,

it would be a tie between the Back to the Future hoverboard. I don't give a fuck about the hoverboard. No, it wouldn't be a tie. The hoverboard would be number two. And then a distant first place, the Man in Black Mind Eraser. That would be so clutch in so many situations. To myself, to you, to the fucking Post

and the Daily Mail, the Enquirer, the entire fan base. You have to do a meet and greet that's basically what it is it's all just the guys to get people to like yes come on down pow pow pow pow I'd be like we're gonna set a record everybody like look up here for a second boom

erase the fucking world hey KFC fights super producer VC so I was wondering KFC and fights you both have great smiles and great hair. But would you rather have to have fucked up teeth, save a fucked up smile, and have amazing hair? This is a great answer. Or would you rather have great teeth and have a great smile and have fucked up hair?

That's an easy answer. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Nope. You have to take the good hair, bad teeth, and just keep your mouth shut. Nope. Yes. Nope.

Yes. I've seen plenty of bald people fuck. I've never seen someone with a grotesque mouth fuck. Okay, that's true. You can pull things off bald, but you can't also just keep your mouth shut and have a fucking great head of hair. You can't keep your mouth shut. You have to things off bald. But you can't also... Just keep your mouth shut. Have a great head of hair. You have to talk. You have to talk.

You can keep your mouth shut. You have really gapped teeth. For sense of argument, let's just say it's meth mouth. You have meth mouth. That's tough. As soon as you start talking, it's like, now it's just my pictures.

It's just like you have a stray hand gap. It's like you have baked beans thrown gap. That's not fucked up teeth. It's like you have baked beans thrown in there. Right. You have fucked up teeth. True. I mean, if you just have bad hair, you just shave your head and then you become a bald guy. There was a time when I couldn't jerk off to Jenna Hayes because her teeth weren't nice enough. Yeah, you got a tooth thing. You got a tooth fetish.

Yeah, I do. Luckily, she got them fixed. But there was a time period when Jenna Hayes first came on the scene. She looked like when she wasn't shooting, she was chewing rocks. And I couldn't deal. Couldn't deal. Do you remember the classic KSU radio question? Would you rather have hair where your teeth are or teeth where your hair is?

Yes. No, I mean, yes, I remember it. No, I don't remember what I said. I don't remember what I said either, but all I know is the thought of like rows of teeth on your like cornrows in your hair of teeth. I'm thinking molars for some reason. Molars. And hairy mouth.

I don't think you can have hairy mouth. You have to take the tooth head. Yeah, I think you do. You swayed me because I was originally just going to have bomb ass hair and just I'll smile with my mouth shut and I'll just try to talk with a small mouth. You can do that with like a fucked up tooth

or like a mouth problem. Yeah, people are just going to see that but absolutely not, no chance. I get that. Let's do. No chance. I get that. Let's do one more here. Adam and Eve. Sure. This could be the company.

Is that the Bible? Okay, here's the question. So it's Adam and Eve style. So you, a female, show up on planet Earth. You're the only two people on Earth. You don't know what porn is. You don't know anything about the female anatomy. My question is this.

How long does it take for you to figure out, does the P go in the Z? How, when, where? How long does it take? Do you ever figure it out? Do you ever procreate? I've thought about this before. 45 seconds. I don't know.

I thought about this. Like, what? It would happen so quickly. You think so? Yes. Absolutely. Why? I mean, it would happen so quickly you think so yes absolutely why i mean it would happen the moment you realize you want to have sex which i imagine was pretty pretty cool if you're coming in as an adult man right you're not a child yeah i guess okay if i was just born then yeah maybe 20 15 years i think the real answer because i googled this before uh is they watched animals so animals fuck fuck. Then they didn't.

Okay, that makes sense. So we're the only things there. But like you were talking about with Keegan the other day, how he just inherently gets on and he just knows. Yeah. He knows his hand needs to be on his dick. Yeah. But there's a big leap from like,

I'm playing with this thing to like, I'm going to put it inside. Like, I tried to put my dick in everything. Like when you're going through puberty, you try to put your dick in everything. When you're going through puberty, you try to put your dick in everything. So you think it's just innate? I think eventually, if you have a partner, eventually you'd be like, touch it. Oh, that feels good. I almost think...

No, no, no. See, I think it's like, I have this between my legs and you have that between your legs. There must be a reason. I think the mouth is wild. The first person, girl, guy, whatever, who was like, I'm going to fucking put it in my mouth instead. Props

to you. You changed the fucking world. Again, I think that was pretty easy too. I have to think back to children. You want to put everything in your mouth. Alright, then fine. I'm giving props to the person who put it in their ass. That one's extreme. Kids just giving props to the person who put it in their ass. Yeah, that one's a little... That one's extreme. Like, kids just lick everything and touch everything and put everything in their mouths.

I think, as human nature, I think you just have this innate need to taste everything. Let's see. Oh, you know what? You want to know a fucked up thing I heard the other day? Yes. What if all of your muscles can taste, but your tongue is the only one you ever put food on? Oh! all of your muscles can taste, but your tongue is the only one you ever put food on. Oh. So, like, what if you had, like, exposed, like, forearm muscle, and you threw,

like, some salt on there that your arm would, like, taste it? I mean, your arm catches fire, no doubt. Right? Like, salt in a wound is a thing. Yeah. What if you put a cheeseburger in a wound? What if you put a piece? But no, but that's a good point. Like, when you put salt on a wound, you don't taste the salt. It just burns. But that's what it tastes. The taste buds on your arm burn or whatever.

I mean, if you just put salt on your tongue, like... That's weird. What if all of your muscles can taste? Just the tongue's the only one that ever has food on it. Yo. If someone's high right now, they're like, wow. Oh, by the way, I just Googled this.

The sex thing. Yeah, it's basically like, we think it's innate. Like, guys just know they have to do something with their dick. But they said that girls would be a little more clueless. I mean, girls would probably be hesitant. Like, you want to do what with what? Come on.

I bet it feels good. Why? I mean, some things have never changed. Hang on. Hang on. Trust me. She'll probably take some convincing, no doubt. But I think it would be pretty...

I think it would be faster than you think it would be. I think the moment you get a boner, you're like, where does this go? The moment you get a boner, you turn into a human Tetris piece. It's got to fit somewhere. This must go somewhere. Yeah. I'll wrap up with a question I have for you. Okay.

Would you rather have sex with everybody you meet or sex with nobody you meet? Nobody. Easy. You're going to be a virgin forever. Easy. Easy with nobody you meet. Nobody. Easy. You're going to be a virgin forever. Easy peasy pudding pie. Nobody. It's an interesting thought though, right? Oh, Kevin, that was so damn easy.

No, because, well, yeah, for you it is. But like, you know, you can meet. You got to fuck men too? We'll keep it straight. We'll keep it hetero. But like, you can meet the hottest girls in the world. We have girls come through here. We have celebrities come through here. It's like, hey, I met you.

We have sex now. But you also meet Stu Feiner. Or I guess that's a guy. But you meet some trolls. To be fair, martial arts doesn't have many unattractive women coming through. So it's not a great part. But in New York City, I walk by. That's what I mean.

Everyone you encounter. Like, hey, that woman at the cash register. Gross. Dude, the level of people. 99% of people in the world are disgusted. Absolutely. I don't want to fuck them. I don't, but I also think if it's like, hey, I'm contractually obligated, I'll get in, get out. And then I also get to go have sex with, like, a 20-season model.

I don't think if I had to have sex with, like, most of the women I see in New York. Not most, but a lot of the women I see in New York. Like, I don't even think I could finish. I think this is so disgusting. Yeah, it's pretty ugly. So, I mean, what if you run into a homeless person on the subway? Right, yeah. Boom, you got to fuck her.

No, I mean, that's easy. Easy. Virgin for life. Yes. Easy. Shout out Tebow. No longer. Yeah, Tebow, thank God he's no longer, man.

I was getting weird just worrying about his virginity all the time. You really think he was a virgin? No. No, I'm not part of that. There's like two... But that's just because I can't... My mind can't comprehend that level of faith. And I...

I can't comprehend that level of faith with a regular-ass person, let alone a Heisman-winning, national championship-winning, at Florida, and then NFL fucking athlete winning playoff games. There are two types of people in this world. People who know that Tim Tebow had sex and idiots. If you really think that, you're fucking dumb. I actually think if he got through Florida, I'd believe it.

But I don't know if he got through Florida. He didn't. And he also looks, you know, he's a good looking guy. That guy just by himself without fame, fortune, and all that shit would have had sex. Ugly people have sex all the time. I know. It's disgusting. Cream of the crop are having sex too.

But hey, if you are going to break your quote-unquote virginity, do it with Miss South Africa, Miss Universe. Miss Universe. But it was a big relief because it was just weird. I was legitimately more concerned with Tim Tebow's virginity for a longer period of time than i was with my own and that's

just a fact i i think you're not alone i think there's many more people you know i when i was i became aware of what sex was or i became aware that like people were having sex like i remember finding out there was a girl in 8th grade who had sex. And I was like, damn. I'm not ready for that at all. And by the end of freshman year, I was having sex. It was like 18 months. I was 8th grade, but then I was senior year.

So I was like 4 or 5 years. And I was a late bloomer. I'm so happy to be a late bloomer. Maybe I was a sophomore, but still, yeah. So that's a couple years. I was a summer after my senior year. I wasn't even a seniorer maybe I was a sophomore but still yeah but the so that's a couple years but Tim I was a summer after my senior year I wasn't even a senior year

I was a summer after senior year but the yeah I've worried about Tim Tebow's virginity since about 2008 2009 I've been tracking this story for

10 years since 2019 I've been tracking his fake virginity for 10 years yeah well congrats to Timmy Tebow and Miss Universe. Get your fuck on.

Go. See you guys on Tuesday. Bye.