KFC Radio - KFC Asked Bert Kreischer for a Picture of His Balls Ft. Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

- KFC's Beef with Bing Bong guy - Feits' new tattoo - Dunbar's Number - how many "friends" do you have? - AITA - couple argues over mermaids - asking to return a charger - FULLY ghosted cheating boyfriend - Voicemails - Mom made out with Arnold Schwarzenegger - Murder someone and go to trial - Dumped at prom - Skylarrrrrrrr - 01:52:39 - Whitney Cummings on having a guy pee on her, having her ear bitten off, her sex doll, insulting Feits and much more. Updated 10/28/21You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. And so I was like, okay, like, let's do it, had a couple drinks, and like, I get down on my knees for him to pee in my face, right? And he's doing it, and like, number one? Don't worry if you buy the hat. This isn't the kind you get. It's the kind I get because I'm a fucking asshole. What's wrong with that? It's too big.

The top's too big. It's a shallower crown if you buy it. I mean, I have the tiniest head. Yeah. Look at me. I look like an eight-year-old. Hence, this is why I said, well, that's too big. Would you not... When you look at me, do you think I have a pea head? You don't, right? I feel like I have a normal head.

No. Now that you say it, yeah. I've never thought of it before, but now that you say it and I'm picturing you, yeah. That's what I mean. So, like, when you first see me, you're not like, look at that. Look at that guy with the small fucking head. But then I, like, put on a hat. Now I do. Now I will for it.

Now you will. Well, you know what I have? I have a long head. I have a long head, but it's tiny. I mean, I look like a fucking, I look like Smalls from Sandlot. It is, yeah. Get in the back. Get in the fucking outfield and put your glove up.

I'll take care of you. Why do I have a catch, I look like Smalls from Sandlot. Yeah, get in the back, get in the fucking outfield and put your glove up. I'll take care of you. Why do you have a catch, Dad? Let's steal the dreams. But I do like this hat. It's a sick hat. Yeah. I like the corduroy hats better, but this is cool too.

The corduroy hats are going to come on sale, people. It was also wear-ready. Well, here's the thing What's tough And I will give them credit Is like we didn't know

Sad boy season was coming I thought you were being serious I feel like we did Yeah Pretty sure we had an idea That fall That autumn Was going to happen this year

It's not like Oh shit I thought we were gonna to skip to winter. I'm such a fucking pussy, I was just going to let you have that. In my head, I was like, he's wrong. But I wasn't even going to say it out loud. We knew it was coming. Fall definitely comes, dude.

Can we talk about Elon Musk now stealing it? Or someone stealing it? Bloomberg! It was going to be sad boy fall for Elon Musk if he it? Or someone stealing it? Bloomberg. It was going to be sad boy fall for Elon Musk if he sold Tesla in 2018. Fucking shut up. That is the most roundabout way of saying

Elon Musk would have regretted selling early. It would have been less rich. It will be sad boy. It wasn't selling. It was taking public. It was taking public. Yes, all that. But we're just jamming sad Boy Fall into anything we can.

You're going to ruin it, Bloomberg. You're going to fucking ruin it. It's like Elon Musk stubbed his toe yesterday at Sad Boy Fall. You get a couple of months. But you really are the whisperer, man. I can't fucking like Ogilvy or one of these advertising companies to scoop you up, mad men shit. I don't even know what Ogilvy is.

I think it's an advertising company. Is it? I think so. It's like you come up with all these phrases, like all these things. You said it to me one time. You said, I speak in Chinese proverbs or something like that.

I remember Baby Beauty because i thought it was an insult and i was like what's he talking about no i think well that's different i think i think you also do like the podcast in a way where you have these like mantras and lines but but i'm talking about like marketing phrases and slogans and terms and shit i mean they're all like multi-million dollar things. You're being genuinely nice to me right now. What's happening? Also, I talked to the... Why are you doing this?

I talked to the... This makes me uncomfortable. I was talking to the founder, one of the founders of Tinder, and I was mentioning how you should get some money for putting Tinder on the map in the Northeast. And he tried to deflect it and be like, oh, there were so many viral moments, man. It was awesome. I was like, yeah, but the very first one was my guy who put it on in Boston and New York

and all the places that matter. Remember that? Yeah. How many pushups can you do? Yeah, that was like... We talked about that one fairly recently. Wasn't there something – DeStefano – I can't – I'm DMing with Chrissy D right now because he's like, oh, you look jacked.

I was like, yeah, thanks. Push-ups and cigarettes. And he's asked now three questions about like how many push-ups I do and when I do push-ups. He's trying to get in shape. Chrissy D. I'm like, oh, he thinks I'm serious. And I keep replying with jokes. But he wants like an answer. I'm like, I, he thinks I'm serious. And like, I keep replying with jokes. And he,

but he wants like an answer. And I'm like, I think Chris, like a regiment. Yeah. How many pushups I do. And nobody better than that guy. Chrissy D week rolls on,

by the way, if you haven't listened to the Kevin Clancy show, it's more like, Kevin Clancy shows you like a deep dive combo. It was more just like talking about like

sucking dicks and stuff. But man, he had, we were talking about kind of growing up gay, basically. I think Gary Goldman has been dethroned for me. Because I used to think that his bit from The Great Depression about, I drank Sprite and everybody called me gay. He was like, he had a name. Chrissy T had a name from his childhood. He was like, I had like Antonio Perez.

He was trying to stuff his dick in my mouth because I knew the state capitals. I knew the capital of New York was Albany and everyone thought I was gay. That might be the new barometer. It is funny that way. Our generation. If you knew stuff or drank certain things or acted a certain way, you're gay. It is. That's it.

It is funny how we, remember we used to clown Malcolm Moore? Yeah. Because he was like, he's like, when I was young, I thought I was gay because I liked to draw. And now we're all like, but yeah, we had that. That's reality, man. Dude, I've become. Bro, I could do like long division.

All the girls could too. I was like, am I gay? So I can do math? What the fuck's going on? Yes, you are. I could do like long division. All the girls could too. I was like, am I gay? So I can do math? What the fuck's going on? Yes, you are. I have become the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of toxic masculinity slash like gayness. First of all, who's who?

Dr. Jekyll is the regular guy. That makes sense because he's the doctor working on the experiment. Mr. Hyde is the bad guy. Yes. Okay. And so what do you you what does that mean dude like i start my days now with like i either do yoga okay ready here i'll just do i'll do today i'll do your i'll do that i'll do last night today ready i'll start with this morning i'll combine the two yeah okay this morning woke up put on schitt's creek and was like you know what david you're right that is a write-off and uh and then i did some yoga and had a fucking matcha and yogurt

smoothie okay okay okay hang on when did the blow job come in when did you suck somebody's dick so i wake up in the morning like fucking gay boy yeah and then i go to bed like a capital stormer i go to bed eating after boxing eating poorly cooked pork watching fucking olympus has fallen and yelling stab him in the head mike bannon i am like this fucking disaster of two people trapped in this body i am am Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of Toxic Masculinity. It's our fucking problem, Kevin. If a gay guy saw your morning,

he would be like, this guy's a catch. Like, I need to date this guy. And if a gay guy saw your nighttime, it would be like, we need him on Queer Eye. We need to make over his whole life. It's me fucking hovered over a pan cutting like yeah fucking got a mic tell him what america's all about

could you imagine if somebody imagine a gay guy knew your morning john if morning john got like like he got invited to a party or something like that like i'm gonna bring this guy he's great and you show up doing banana sinks. Dude, you invited this guy? What the fuck? Guess what, baby? Cinderella turned into Steve. Yeah, the clock struck fucking midnight and my fucking, my yoga

turned into a pumpkin. A big, fat, orange, fucking, straight, ugly pumpkin. Messy-ass pumpkin. That is fucking hilarious. It is funny. Most of the day until like 3 o'clock, I have like 200 calories. And then fucking the carrot turns into the pumpkin again.

I eat everything. I eat just candy and fucking poorly cooked meats. And I punch things. You're a gay vampire. You're a reverse gay vampire. You can only be out during the day. During the day, John is gay. Who turns heterosexual when the sun goes down? Yes.

I'm like, what do you call it? On the down low? I'm on the up high. Bro, during the day, you would straight up fuck a dude. And then at sunset, it's like, put on Fox News. Put on Tucker Carlson. Climate change is coming. Thank God.

I think Dave Chappelle is getting canceled. I don't think anybody wanted to do his movie. Man, that's funny. That is the duality of man, isn't it? Specifically you, man. And guess what? I still don't know any state capitals. I still wouldn't have guessed Albany was the capital of New York.

Now that we think about it even further, maybe that is the 4 o'clock final break, whatever year that was. That was me going straight on everyone's ass. Imagine that. I mean, we could probably get to a point where you could be like, yeah, sure, there's bisexual people, but not like set times. I have alarms. It's like Monday through Thursday, I'm straight, and then the weekend comes, I'm gay. I'm bi. I'm just very scheduled bisexual. Oh, man, that's great. It goes with the tides.

Sad boy season. It's been over 60 degrees for a few days. I'm gay! Sad boy season is here. The clothes are out. Whether or not John has them, it doesn't matter. You can buy them and get them before the creator can.

Absolutely. Everyone's already gotten them before I have. You'll get them before me. We can also, tickets are still on sale for the New York City Comedy Festival, Friday, November 12th. We have breaking news that the Milk Girls, the Cowgirls, will be in attendance. So last time we had a live show, not last time two times ago, I tried to do all the

nuggets, all the chicken sandwiches so this time, we're drinking milk we're gonna go a gallon? Nah, I can't do a gallon we're doing the whole milk gang um, sure yeah, we can do that well, I gotta see what kind of bar the girls are gonna set here

like if the girls come in they're like you pussies are gonna split a gallon i'll be like oh fuck i mean i guess i gotta go no we can't do a gallon we can't do a gallon half a gallon might be tough with a cum belly a half a gallon i mean we might puke like i can't be puking on stage come on you've done that like four times yeah i think you've done that four times yeah like enough i might make it sizzle. How about like, you know, people are like, oh, what happens to the KC Radio show? We drank, bro.

We've been drinking. Milk. We drank that milk. Whole milk ganks. I was eating napkins before the ball happened. Sorry, I drank too much on stage. So the milk girls, they did a video voicemail a couple episodes ago. The girls, they're in Philly.

They drink like at least three to four, maybe five gallons of milk a week. I feel like five. Yeah. They were like, it's Wednesday. We're already through three. It's Hannah and Jacqueline and a couple others. I don't know their names, but I think it's going to be six of them total who will be at the show. We also have

Gay But Married Joe. Is that a surprise? I think we already talked about that on the podcast because that's how he found out that he was going to be part of the show. Got it. So we got Gay But Married Joe. He'll be on the show. He'll be joining us as well. We've got a

surprise guest, another podcast duo who will be joining us. Friday night, it's basically a live Friday night pints because it's an early show. Because the festival has multiple comics on stage. So it's 6.30pm is the live KFC

radio. So it's basically like doing Friday night pints with us. You'll have the whole KFC radio gang, plus all the special guests. Also, I think we're shaping up for live show history. I think the crowd's going to be like 50-50 people who know us, people who don't know us. I told you we fucked it up. I told you we fucked it up. Goddamn.

We extended a challenge to bring friends, dates, whoever, of people who don't know KFC Radio. And we said, let's get 10. So that would mean like 20 people, 10 couples being like half of them don't know who we are. And I think we're getting a lot more than that. I think that's going to be awesome. And I almost want them to sit on separate sides. Be like, I know you're sitting together,

but like, no, you guys get up and split it up. We'll be in a theater too. So it's not going to be like comedy tables. It's going to be like sitting there. So I think we got to like split it up. Uh, we'll be in a theater too. So it's not gonna be like, like comedy tables. It's gonna be like sitting there. So I think we got to like split everybody up and we'll see, you know, how many people we went over. And I think it's going to be an,

an, an interesting experiment. It's not gonna be like you're, it's not, it's not a comedy show. You're not going to stand up. You're going to a fucking human experience, uh,

for KC radio live at the comedy festival, November 12th, Friday night, six 30, go to live nation to get tickets or go to any KC Radio social media. Also, Moonman 1's last batch available

right now. I switched back over to doing the slip-ons. I've been doing the laces, but then for the promo, I needed to show the slip-on aspect, and now I think I'm back on the slip-ons. Black denim on top with the moon man. The slip-on is cool, man.

I regret not having a slip-on in mine. The slip-on is dope. The slip-on came out in the summer. And I was like, I like this. It's very convenient. But I still think we need to go classic. And the fact that they were just like, let's do both. I was like, why don't more people do both?

You know what, too? I can't even think about it. The slip-on makes a lot of sense on the sad boys because you're just like you can't even bend over to tie your shoes because you're fat you're not allowed to have shoelaces oh you you should have made the first ever suicide poop shoes like oh it's not for style it's for safety that would be great. Just as you pulled it up, I was like, I remember getting arrested. I was like, that's why they took my shoelaces.

Fucking stupid idiot. So there's probably like 100 pairs left, I think. So go get them. Last batch before we probably restock later in the winter, along with the new batch of Sad Boy Kicks. So that's available at the Barstool Sports Store. Again, any of the social media, you can get your Moon Man 1s. Also, I have new Knicks shirts on sale.

Bing Bong, which is creating quite the... We're ruffling some feathers in Knicks Nation. So if you are a Knicks fan, you've seen that Bing Bong has become part of the Knicks mantra right now, part of the Knicks culture. So there are these two guys who run Side Talk New York, which is like a man on the street video type production. They make awesome videos. I actually, if it was up to me, I probably would have interviewed them, brought them on. But anytime I suggest anything to Dave it's almost like a kiss of death

it's like you should get Jesus and Miro you should get Chris and stuff so I was like I'm not even going to bring these guys up I'm not going to do it there still might be a chance because they're very very talented they make good videos so who knows where that's going to go but in their video

there's this bing b Bong guy who he just pops out. It's like Knicks fans screaming and yelling, getting all hyped up after game one. And he goes, Bing Bong, which is, I guess, his mantra. And somebody tweeted me that the Side Talk guys have been – they have like a – their film production group says Bing Bong. They should just be called Bing Bong Productions. Bing Bong is pretty good. Side Talk is really good too though. I think at this point, they're like their film production group says Bing Bong they should just be called Bing Bong Productions Bing Bong's pretty good Side Talk's really good too though I think at this point

they're Bing Bong though cause Side Talk well I first saw what is Side Talk is that a thing I don't know I hear Side Talk and I know what it is

like you're talking on a sidewalk and I the only the first video of theirs I ever saw was the Knicks one

after game one so I but I was like oh that's a catchy the moment I saw the handle I was like that's a catchy name Knicks one after game one. The best. But I was like, oh, that's a catchy name. Knicks fans are just so, like, it's just funny. Just like, you know, you beat the Celtics, and everyone's like, fuck Trae Young. Okay, sure, why not? What was last night?

Was it last night? Fuck Chicago? We want Chicago? Yeah, they beat the Bulls next. So they beat the Sixers. I think they were chanting. And they want, we want Chicago? Yeah, because they're playing the Bulls next, I think, on Friday night. So they beat the Sixers. I think they were chanting. We want Chicago? Yeah, because they're playing the Bulls next. I think on Friday night.

So, here's the deal. I've been waiting for Bing Bong. I saw that and it started to become part of Nick's Twitter. A lot of Nick's fans tweeting it. And then, now it's part of pop culture.

I think Scott Van Pelt dropped a bing bong. The back page paper of the Daily News was bing bong. I mean, that's a Knicks term now. And I kind of waited. I was like, I don't know if they sell shirts. I don't know if the dude who says it is going to sell it. There ain't no bing bong shirts. I made a bing bong shirt.

That's what we do. We're here. We're representing Knicks fans. I'm not the most diehard Knicks fan in the world. Used to be. Haven't been in recent years. I made a Bing Bong shirt. People are trying to say I've stolen it.

I've tried to take it. They want to cease and desist. I will promote any side talk Bing Bong shirts. If the Bing Bong guy makes a Bing Bong shirt, I will retweet it. I will put it out there. People can buy whichever Bing Bong bong shirts they want, but there were no bing bong shirts. I can't be,

you can't steal something that doesn't exist. I don't know what, if they made the bing bong shirt, I would have been like, that's their thing. There was no bing bong shirts. So I also, another fucking potential goddamn spam this time from sugar land,

Texas. That's a real fucking place. Bro. I cannot take it anymore 10, 11, 12 calls a day and I know people say like just go to like don'tcall.gov I'm not doing that how about motherfuckers

stop calling me about my extended warranty on my vehicle it's insane every fucking day and then I do this hello what do you want Sugarland press 1 to hear your message fuck you it is what's my message this is a test of the iris alert system press one to repeat the message well maybe that one's important that's my kid's school sounded like there was some sort of like what's the iris message that's like your kids have been kidnapped or something?

No, that's Amber, right? Well, that's what I mean, though. It's got to be like Amber alert, iris alert. They're all just different colors. Maybe. I don't know. Whatever. But the other ones about my extended warranty, I'm going to kill somebody if I find out who's behind that.

Anyway, bing fucking bong. It's a great phrase. But also, it's something that's been, as I understand it, this is what you were saying earlier. It's a great phrase but it's also it's something that's been as i understand it this is what you're saying earlier it's a new york thing it's been there's a rapper who made a song bing bong it's the subway doors closing bing bong these guys say it in their video i thought it was a fan i don't know i still don't know if it's a fan that said it or if it's one of the side talk guys that said it i don't know any of this because they didn't they're not doing anything with fucking bing bong guys do this free lesson for you fucking run with of this because they didn't do anything with fucking Bing Bong. Guys, do a free lesson for you. Fucking run with it when there's a

viral phrase in your fucking video. So I'll promote any of it, but once, listen, once it's in the zeitgeist that it's on the back pages and it's fucking on SportsCenter and all that, I mean, it's a Knicks phrase now. It's like if you invented

Knicks tape a few years ago. Okay, fine, but now it's been, now it's part's a Knicks phrase now. It's like if you invented Knicks tape a few years ago. Like, okay, fine, but now it's part of the Knicks social media. It's part of the Knicks fandom. I don't know what to tell you guys. Well, I got bad news for you. This is because we're the man now. I know. It sucks.

We are like the lame. We're the lame guys. Not even the lame guys. It's just like, guess what? We're corporate now. I feel that was a sexual harassment thing we are like what i didn't the trouble for it is like uh like if it like anything like i did it happened with me you know it wasn't like that big a shirt because it's fucking patriots but another page is like just wasn't that big a shirt but like when i made one for fucking Schwartzy people were like what do you do

like are you gonna profit off this person oh yeah yeah yeah I mean this is what Barstool does we fucking make shirts but also what I don't like first of all

uh if the money was going like right into my pocket it's one thing like that's not how the model here works it's not like I'm making all the money off

the bing bong shirts um but like we make shirts for what is that tattoo uh i got this like last week i think did you guys know that nope what is that is that is that a rose what is that flower i can't see a mermaid what is going what is this what is this it is pause put a pin in bing bong for a second what is this it is there's. Put a pin in Bing Bong for a second. What is this?

It is. The thing that sucks about tattoos is there's no way to describe them without sounding lame. So I was reading a thing, and it was about Picasso. And it was like Picasso had 50,000 works of art he made. And experts can name 100. Most people can name zero. But he's famous because he was prolific. Yeah.

And I always get scared of putting stuff out. And I was just like, you know what? Maybe I'll have a little reminder on me. I like that. Put shit out. This was one of his hate ones. Yeah. You got the worst Picasso painting in the world?

I googled most hated Picasso. And the story behind- I disagree. I think that's the best tattoo explanation I've ever heard. Because usually they do suck. But the fact that I googled most hated think that's the best tattoo explanation I've ever heard because usually they do suck but the fact that I googled most hated Picasso and I got it on purpose

but this is also like it was it's also like it was kind of impromptu done quick you don't say because it was I was just home Tuesday

like whatever day we didn't come in I was like I'll just go downstairs you did a daytime tattoo yeah which is is that Hyde or Jekyll

I was so I made the reservation as Hy Is that Hyde or Jekyll? So I made the reservation as Hyde. I know it's Jekyll. Went as Hyde. Because it was earlier in the day. But I don't know. You're getting a mermaid tattoo. You're still Hyde.

No, you're still Jekyll. Yeah, Jekyll's going to get a nice pair of big fucking fat pink nipples put on him. Yeah, Mr. Hyde would have that be a hot mermaid. On City Island, there's this mural on the side of a wall. It sucks. I still don't really understand how it's a fucking mermaid. Where's the head? The head's there. It's the eye.

Oh, because it's abstract. It's a mermaid. You can't see the mermaid there? No. Can someone else come? Those are the mermaid's boobs. Yes. Where's the head?

Here's the head that has the eyes. That's the nose up there. What's that? That's the hand that's holding a hammer, which is actually the mermaid of Warsaw. The actual mermaid of Warsaw held a sword, but Picasso drew a hammer. That just looks like an eyeball.

And that's the whole head. That's basically the eyeball. That's the hair back there. And there's the fin. The head is really not a head. It's just an eyeball. It is. That's the hair back there. And there's the fin. The head is really not a head. It's just an eyeball. From this way, it looks like Gary the Snail a little bit.

And what's scribbled in the square there? That's her shield. Nonsense. It's all nonsense. It looks like a dude. There's this mural from 9-11 where there's these kneeling firefighters who are praying, and there's angels around, and they're kind of hot angels. They have blonde hair, and they're a little bit curvy.

I'm like, whoever made this is a fucking dirtball. 9-11 promo tribute with some fucking hot angels. 9-11 tribute where you got 40 seconds countdown? Yeah. with some fucking hot angels. 9-11 tribute where you got 40 seconds countdown. Anyway, that's awesome because I also feel like that's similar to what we do. When people say, what's your best episode

or what should I direct people to? It's like, I don't know. That's why I think about more promos because I'm always so scared. I's like, I don't know. Right. And that's why I was thinking about more promos and stuff. Because I was always so scared. I'm like, eh, if you want to do it like this, maybe that'd be perfect. I don't know. I just fucking post them now.

I post them on TikTok. Well, I don't know. I hope people have noticed. Got you. If you're following us on social, we've kind of like redone and overhauled our social media effort recently with more like sizzle reel clips trying to capture like how crazy our show is rather than just like here's us talking for 30 seconds. And we've got Pabs and Jackie making these clips that are like I think capture the essence of our show so much better.

And I now want to post them more because I'm like this is what the show feels like. If it's just 30 seconds of like me talking, obviously we all know I'm going to hate that. So I'm not going to want to post them more because I'm like, this is what the show feels like. If it's just 30 seconds of me talking, obviously we all know I'm going to hate that. So I'm not going to want to post that. So now we're like, whether or not the clips have even, are good, bad, whatever, it's like, I want to post them now. So we're going to talk about it more and it's going to change the whole promotion of the show. So we're trying to grow this bitch

out here. So make sure you follow and subscribe and everything on YouTube and on audio. But anyway, so anyway, Bing Bong, listen. Part of me, I hate being the man, like you said. It's like, oh, this is what I was going to say. We make shirts, yeah, for sure to make money, but we make shirts like for the fan bases

where it's like a catchphrase is out, here's the shirt so that everybody catches on and that we have like a war cry or a punch line or a nickname or whatever and that's always what we've done best if the nicks the nicks like i can tell you now already the nicks fucking mantra this year is gonna be bing bong we're gonna be part of it yeah you know so like we're gonna do that and and again if the money was going into my pocket i fucking wish it was going right in my pocket but even though it's not i want bing bong i want a Bing Bong Bang

from Mike Green at one point. Are you ready for that, Mike? When there's a big three and Mike Green goes Bing Bong Bang, it's going to bring the fucking house down. You should make those records. Right? I mean, I think it's got to be the next one. That's also, the next thing I want to do is maybe get petty. And I wanted to do like a...

That was also in old Celtics. I forget the commentator. But there was a guy on the Celtics, Mike Bing. No, I'll probably just say Mike because you just said Mike Green. But there was a guy on the Celtics named Bing. And they named Bing Bong? My dad always said that. It would be, over to Bing, bang!

Yeah, I mean, it's also a thing. It's like bingo, bango, Bing Bong, Bing Bang Bang. So I'm being a part of that one and and and nobody i'm no one's ever going to confuse me for being the most diehard nicks fan but um but i know how this city gets and i know there are going to be bandwagon fans and i know there are diehard fans who've been waiting for so long and when there's going to be something fun like bing bong this i just don't i just hate this it's like like bing the bing bong guy um tweeted me and was like good uh tweeted like good morning to everybody except for kfc barstool it's

like i don't want bing i don't want to hate bing bong guy don't do this don't make this a thing let's all just like the knicks are finally good have bing bong you sell your shirts we sell mine bing bong becomes the mantra like i don't want to have to fight. Only bitches complain about things like that. But also part of it. I never complain about it. I don't. I don't sell your shit, baby. Honestly, I know that's like a joke.

I never see indeed a hoe. Exactly. I never see indeed a motherfucker that I once in my life. I know that that's happened at Barstool before, but check the receipts. It hasn't been me, man. And if anything, everything from Saturdays for the Boys, the Sad Boys season, the Big Sexy, a lot of our shit has been me, man. And if anything, you know, everything from Saturdays for the Boys, the Sad Boys season, a big sexy. Like a lot of our shit has been jacked before.

And that's just the game. So part of me, there's part of me that wants to be like, I would love to hype up Side Talk even more. I want everybody to go follow. Is it Side Talk NYC, Mike? Side Talk NYC. Go follow Side Talk NYC. Go watch their Man on the Street videos.

When the Knicks win on Friday against the Bulls, 7th Avenue is going to be shut down and Side Talk isC go watch their Man on the Street videos when the Knicks win on Friday against the Bulls the 7th Avenue is going to be shut down and Side Talk's going to be there and Bing Bong Guy is going to be there

and it's going to be awesome I want all of that to happen but there's another part of me that wants to be like Zuckerberg and be like

if you created the Bing Bong shirts you would have created the Bing Bong shirts and I also want to maybe put out an entire line of Bing Bong clothes

and be like I just want to take a moment to apologize to absolutely nobody Bing Bong is for the people bing bong is in the i want to emphasize my brand is bing bong guy oh oh no maybe maybe i don't like this guy now yeah capital letters i want to emphasize that my brand is bing bong guy not hashtag bing bong i don't claim to have created the phrase i just want to be... Oh, I don't like this guy at all.

But also, it's like... I take it all back. Fuck this shit. Yeah, fuck this guy. Yeah, never mind. This is... Fuck Bing Bong guy. This is...

That's so lame. And also, isn't that crazy fucking contradictory? To be like, I want to be a New York Knicks legend. It's like, well, then, fucking jump on board. We'll sell these shirts. You could have come in. We could do an interview. We could have, like...

Fuck this dude. Yeah. Fuck this dude. You can't come in. We could do an interview. We could have like. Fuck this dude. Yeah. Fuck this dude. You can't just fucking. I just want to be a legend. Shut up. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy.

I hate this guy. I'm not going to say it. I don't give a fuck about the Knicks. I hate when 7th Avenue shut down. Because guess what? If I have to walk home through that. I've had to walk home through a couple of fucking Knicks messes lately. Yeah.

Since going back to last playoffs. I don't blame you. I hate it all. So fuck all of you. And fuck Bing Bong. I don't blame you. I hate it all. So fuck all of you and fuck Bing Bong. I don't blame you as hating it, but I can't.

As a Knicks fan in this city, I'm not going to go against the grain here because we finally got some good mojo. But I'm just going to say that tweet is, that's a tough one.

That's a lame tweet. That was tough. See, look at that. Bro, if the Daily News is putting Bing Bong out there and you don't have your fucking shirts out, I'm sorry.

Then, you know what? Like, you should have had your fucking shirts out, I'm sorry. Then, you know what? Like, you should have had your fucking shirts. They love Clem. Clem said, go talk to KFC about it. He won't even go on my DMs. He's just talking shit about me. So, listen. At the end of the day, I truly don't give a fuck.

So, we can either be cool or I can get petty. So, whatever. Whatever it's going to be. As long as the Knicks keep winning, man. So, you know, shout out to Side Talk. I haven't heard anybody from Side Talk. I don't know where they stand on it. Two kids from like –

No, I know who they are, but I'm saying like I haven't heard them like weigh in on it. I DMed with one of them a couple months ago. We were talking about Cuomo and shit. But yeah, so that's the Bing Bong Saga. My recommendation would be next time that you have a video that has a super awesome viral catchphrase, get them shirts out, man. We got some ads. We also, before the show started, that was the intro we just did.

Yeah. We've been talking for an hour. Yeah, that was the intro. That was going to be the intro. That was the intro. We're going gonna keep having long episodes uh actually real quick before i do an ad i do want to know that so um if we can get some feedback from the people um we have recently had an influx of guests because we just got lucky that

a handful of people all were able to come through in person who then also had a bunch of deadlines that they needed to get their promotion out first um or like you know but they need their episode out to promote their thing coming out and so we've had i don't know what three or four episodes that are four hours long um and i know that that mentally like freaks some people out when you when you turn on your favorite podcast and you see 420 you see 419 uh people are like, I can't watch all that. I can't listen to all that. But here's how we always do it.

In case you don't like our guests or don't like the interviews, we always do like almost two hours of me and John. And then there's like an hour-long guest, another hour-long guest. So it's really like three episodes. And then you can watch them or listen to them at your leisure. It's not like you have to watch it all in one thing. But as a guy who is a firm believer that no movie should ever really be over two hours, I can understand the hypocrisy there. I don't think it's

hypocrisy. It's a totally different thing. It's second screen, you're working, you're doing it. When I'm watching a movie, I'm in a theater, I put my phone away, I'm watching this. This is like, I know you're traveling to work. I know I am not even the most important thing you're doing. Absolutely. Oh, as a matter of fact, what I've learned about traveling to work I know I am not even the most important thing you're doing absolutely

what I've learned about listening to podcasts now when I used to agonize over that one segment wasn't that good or that one thing I said wasn't funny people listen to every fourth word on a podcast I'm the opposite I get mad when something was funny

where the fuck is that going to go that's just going to disappear forever now. True, true. It's just like into the abyss. That was – that segment was good. That was like a three minutes in a four-hour podcast that's in a sea of like 500 episodes. It's like whatever, man. Oh, it's like 900.

We just got the report of it the other day. 900 episodes. Yeah, something around there. So yeah. But my point being at the same at the same time we've heard from a few people like love the long episodes people who have like long shifts and all that shit so maybe we'll put out a maybe we'll do a poll how about a poll good old poll uh that being said we do have like six more guests still bank it's coming yeah like the next few episodes

we need to do double features. It's got to be what it's got to be because of publicists and scheduling and all that shit. Maybe we'll do some polls about ideal length for the podcast. You know what? I want to just do this. Does it turn you off if you see a three hour plus podcast?

Are you inclined to not watch or listen? It should be, are you a fucking idiot? Do you understand how the podcast you listen to at all times is broken down? How there are sometimes it's just the two hosts and all the time there's a guest on the end and all the time there's another guest

on the end? Do you get that? Do you get it? Do you? Do you get it? Do you get it? you do you do you get it you get it hey bing bong um so yeah let us know and uh also john is fucking spicy today he's coming in hot he's like are you gonna fucking kill yourself because you don't like long podcasts or what also we're being like very proactive about putting time codes so if you're just coming for a guest or something like that

you could skip to that we're breaking it down as much as we can to make those longer episodes easier to digest if you are a Jon Bernthal fan and you want to just watch that part go to the description and you can see the time stamp and check that out as far as today's episode

we got to get into some Am I the Asshole? We got to do video voicemails. You know what this is? I think, because you're the one who read it. I think this is going to be a revival of one of my old favorite segments called Science Says. Because I feel like these are studies and science that's telling you things that are just fucking bullshit. So it's all brought to you by Lightboxer. When John is Mr. Hyde and he just wants to break stuff and get out his stress and his anger, you know what?

Do it in a constructive, safe, and beneficial way. I don't want you out there being an angry person, being violent. I want you at home on your Lightboxer where you're bobbing and weaving and punching and jabbing and a fucking uppercut. And an overhand right and an overhand left. And rolling like a bright dirt. And you do this. You go like this. You go.

Oh, yeah. You got to exhale. You got to exhale on that punch. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. You know what I mean? Listen to fucking, I like to listen to the music. I'm an island boy. I don't know how they have all the rights to all the songs,

but they just have like. Yeah, well, that's the app. So the main thing is the fucking equipment, but they got the app that goes along with it where they have all of these artists, major artists, Justin Bieber, fucking Rihanna, all that shit. If you can name an artist, they're on this fucking app. It's crazy. And you can have the music. Also, the app will track your progress.

It will teach you how to punch better, harder, faster. Better, harder, faster, stronger. If you're not fucking hitting 7,000 to keep score for you too, if you're not hitting 7,000s on the scores, don't even talk to me. 7,000s and up a big cap. I've been really trying to get 8,000. I haven't hit 8,000 yet, but

I'm fishing like 7,800, like 7,800, 7,900. Trying to crack that 8,000 bubble. Your boy over here, I don't know what you're talking about, but I bet that I think I throw by like 600 or 700. So go to lightboxer.com, L-I-T-E, boxer.com. And right now you can get a discount when you use the promo code KFC at checkout. You get $200 off your Lightboxer equipment.

Then you download the app. You have it all right there on the machine. It's like Simon Says where you punch the lights and follow the pattern, as my daughter would say, pattering. This is a workout where they have 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes. It is hands down. It's fast. That's not a lot of time to be working out.

No. I usually do the 20-minute workout. 20 minutes is not a lot of time at all, and you are cooked. It is a fucking perfect workout for not a lot of time at all. Rightboxer.com. Promo code KFC. Rightboxer.com slash KFC and promo code KFC for $200 off

your equipment. Do you have any friends? Me? Not a rousing response from anybody in the room. It is. Does anybody have any friends? Anybody?

It is. That was one of the most depressing things ever. I missed I missed the second half of yesterday's episode where you guys all said, like, if you switch spots with someone else on KC Radio, who would you want to switch spots with? And everyone was like, ugh. I just said, do you guys have any friends?

And the room went dead silent. Not even one person being like, I have friends. Nothing. I don't, really. No friends. I have people I work with and hang out with. People say, no new friends. I got no, no, no, no friends.

That's an important distinction, what you just said. Yeah. Everybody at Barstool who was not from around here moved here, and they became friends, and they hang out. But I got news for you, motherfuckers. At the end of the day, you guys are coworkers. Dude, I... But, like, it's like...

I don't think I have any friends at all anyway. You don't. Because a friend is someone you, like, tell secrets. I don't fucking tell secrets any friends at all anyway. You don't. Because a friend is someone you like tell secrets. I don't fucking tell secrets to anybody. A friend is someone you – Because people tell secrets to other people. Dude, you know what I have learned? Not one person in the world can keep a secret.

No one can. And I know that's like duh, but like truly not one. Like I could tell my mom some shit. I could tell like my trusted, confident. You're actually probably the closest thing. I kept secrets. But you know what you do? I don't, I still am not giving you credit because you keep secrets out of indifference.

You don't care. It's not, it's not that you're like, it's not that you're like, oh my God, I would love to gossip right now. I just can't. You're just like, wait, what my God, I would love to gossip right now. I just can't. You're just like, wait, what? Oh, I forgot about it. Yeah, whatever. Dude, I've had that happen very recently where people are like, did you tell blank blank? I'm like, what?

Tell who what? And they're like, yeah, I told you this. I was like, holy shit. You did? I knew that before everyone. That's crazy. I was aware of this situation. You got to have someone who really doesn't give a fuck,

and that's the person you vent to because they just won't tell anybody shit. Because also they don't have any friends because they're indifferent. They don't have anybody to tell shit to. If you feel better about yourself, I am re-watching a show in my head. You know what's going on? The monkey's just doing this. That doesn't happen. I was going to say, you are talking to me, and up in my brain it's going on? The monkey's just doing this. That doesn't happen. I was going to say, you are talking to me, and up in my brain, it's going...

Which then leads me to give the best advice anyone can give. Which is like, I don't know, just do what you want. Well, that's the other thing, too. If you're coming to me for advice, you know the answer. If I don't give you the advice you want, you're just going to go ask someone else who's going to give you the advice you want. Anybody who's looking... What advice you want, you're just going to go ask someone else who's going to give you the advice you want. Anybody who's looking. What do you want me to say? I'll say it.

Yes. Anybody who's looking for advice is not looking for advice. They're looking for confirmation of what they already want. I think it's like – I always say this with torture. Someone talking to me, having a conversation is torture. Yeah. So when I'm – if I were to be tortured one day, I would be like, look, what do you want to know? I will tell you. Yeah. That's it. So what do you want me to say? I'll tell you. I'll do it. Yeah. Yeah. So when I'm, if I were to be tortured one day, I would be like, look, what do you want to know?

I will tell you. Yeah. That's it. So what do you want me to say? I'll tell you. I'll do it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, no, no, no. Do that. Do the thing you want to do. Do the thing. Yeah. No, no, no. You're, that's a normal thing to do.

Do it. Sure. Yes. I'm with you. Leave me alone. I'm watching TV. Shut the fuck up. Danny's about to put a knife in this guy's head.

The sun's almost down. Get your fucking, get your emotional shit in. The sun's almost going down. I got to put on Olympus is Falling. The, I think it's important to tell people, I need your advice or your help or like, I need to vent right now. Yeah. Because it's like, I'll just sit here and be like, yeah, fuck them.

Or I could tell you the truth like, oh, you're ruining your life. You shouldn't do this at all. Whichever one you want. I don't give a fuck. If I were to tell you the truth, the truth is I don't fucking know. Well, that's the other thing too. You know what is crazy to me? And it sounds like a cop-out, but it's just – if you want to know the truth,

the truth is I have no idea how this is going to work out for you. None. One way or the other. It's the fucking – I can't predict the future. Also, it is insane to me to work out for you. None. One way or the other. I can't predict the future. Also, it is insane to me that people ask for relationship advice. How the fuck could I know?

You know? I have a book of every single argument you ever had that led you to this moment. Then maybe I can, you know. I do think that people who have been through some shit can speak from their perspective. That's why I love when people are like, why would I ever listen to you about relationships? I don't know because who have been through some shit can speak from their perspective. That's why I love when people are like, why would I ever listen to you about relationships?

I don't know because I've been through the fucking fire on one and have gone through the worst of the worst and the highest of the highs. These people who are just happy, they can't tell you shit. I don't know. I met someone who was perfect for me. We fell in love and everything is good. What the fuck is that person going to tell you? I can tell you what I would maybe do if I were in your shoes or based on what you've told. I can say, but I have no fucking clue what goes on between you and your girl or your man.

You know, and you know what the answer is. You're just looking for me to say it. But anyway, known your friends, yes. The reason this all comes up is because I was reading an article in The Atlantic, whatever, and it was called – What? Is that like a flex? The Atlantic? Yeah.

The Atlantic's a big one, yeah. I'm going to hit you in the head with something hard. What? I'm going to smash you in the head with a spiker bar. I think The Atlantic is – I was reading in The Atlantic. I think The Atlantic's like on the level of New Yorker. I'll tell you what you should do right now.

You should kill yourself. I think – when was the last time any of you read an article in The Atlantic? I don't even know what The Atlantic is. This is my point. But that's like. This is my point. The only cultured person in here is the person who reads it. No, that's like, that's because if I don't know it, it's like I know, I've heard of The Atlantic, but I don't know if it's good or bad.

Oh, The Atlantic's very good. Whatever. We're talking about it on KFC Radio. It's a classic fucking organization. I read The Atlantic. The Atlantic is, bro, my parents read The Atlantic. The Atlantic's fucking classy. Anyway, the point is.

Why y'all keep saying pregnant woman? It was founded by Emerson, so that's something, I guess. I don't know. Oh, who's Emerson? Do you even lift embryo is the title? That's some classic corporate demand shit. They're going to start selling bing bong shirts soon. Trying to relate to the people over here in the Atlantic.

Bing bong shirts from the Atlantic. That's funny. But I was reading an article called We Shouldn't Talk This Much. And because I, like like everybody search for confirmation bias I was like hell yeah I hate texting social media let's see what this has to say

that's why you like the Atlantic they let you off the hook for being an anti-social motherfucker I fucking read this shit in the paper too I read it I get the New Yorker delivery I get the Atlantic delivered

suck my dick ink on the paper ink on the fingers yeah this is this is something we've talked about wait don't go don't go through this because I'm going to ask you guys

a question real quick so in this it's basically talking about how back in the day – actually, if you are a person who lives their lives online, it's actually not that interesting of an article. It's all shit we know. Yeah. It's all shit. We clamor for attention.

We beg for this, blah, blah, blah. We want it 24-7. We want our platforms and voices to be heard by everyone possible. Stimulation. All this shit. Yeah. But they do reference something in this. And also the reason they bring up all that trust stuff they're like back in the day you had people you told things people you trust and that's it circle it's it yeah which is again

all stuff we know about the internet um but they reference a uh sociological number experiment whatever called dunbar's number now dunbar's number is, as they explain it, it is the number of people, like the maximum number of people you can have in your social life. And they fall into this category if you could bump into them in an airport lounge, which is a ridiculous thing

to say, like an airport lounge or Delta. And it wouldn't be awkward to bump into them. What do you think the number What do you think Dunbar's number is? Let's go around the room. So how many people could you bump into at an airport and be like, alright, this is cool.

I'll sit there and talk with you and not be Yeah, exactly. What's your number? Zero. I've flirted with the idea that my number is zero as well. Zach, that microphone is not plugged in. If you want to grab that cable right there. Zero.

Answer zero. I mean, I go on work trips all the time, and I don't enjoy it. I love everyone that I travel with. I don't usually talk to anyone. Like, if you showed up and I was there, you'd be like, oh, fuck. I would say, like, hey, what's up, Kevin? And then that would probably be it, and then I'd put headphones on. I think that's what it is.

I don't think you have to sit and talk to him the whole time, but it's like, oh, what's up, man? How you been? And, like, a quick little small talk. It's how I'd put headphones on. I think that's what it is. I don't think you have to sit and talk to him the whole time but it's like, what's up man, how you been? And like a quick little small talk. It's how I kind of read it. I kind of read it as your gut reaction of like when I show up if there's a co-worker there or like, put it this way. The other day I think me and Loud Sean park in the same garage and the other day we came around

around the same time and I have no problem with Loud Sean but I had no interest in walking to work with him. So I was just like, I'm gonna cross the street. I don't think he even saw me at all. It wasn't like an awkward thing but I think no interest in walking to work with him. So I was just like, I'm going to cross the street. I don't think he even saw me at all. It wasn't like an awkward thing. But I think that reaction of like, do you want to talk to them or not talk to them? And I think that number is going to be like over under as a half. Are you in or are you out?

How about you, Nick? How many people could you run into in an airport lounge? I'm looking at a different thing right now. I have a bigger breakdown of Dunbar's numbers. And this one classifies it as you would invite them to a party. So that's actually more than... So you meet them at the airport lounge and then you invite them to a party? It's a separate thing.

It's how people describe it. The number, you know the number. Now also Dunbar's number, have you ever thrown a party to invite people to? I've thrown a party. I threw a Thanksgiving party. I don't think I've thrown a party in my whole life i've done a party thanksgiving i don't think i've thrown a party in my whole life uh i would say four like four people four people that i'm like close like you have four in mind or you're just like ballparking no i'd ballpark it just like

four people that like and i'm family this is through no no i'm not counting like family in here um in some cases family is like worse throughout like people in college and stuff that like i would like to bump into again and even just in high school, there's one from each and then a couple now. Okay, so we got zero. We got four. Paz. It's got to be under 10. I actually recently saw a girl I went to high school with at the airport,

at an airport lounge. Great friends were there all four years, and I chose not to go up and talk to her. She didn't see me. I saw her. I was like, probably should say hi here. And that's like Paz was hanging out with her. She didn't see me. I saw her. I was like, probably should say hi here. And that's like Paz was hanging out with her like 18 months ago. Jackie,

how many people? Well, I was going to say like 20, but the number... So 0, 4, I'm going to call you 7, and 20. But the number that comes to mind instantly... The number that came to mind instantly was 178, and I'm curious if that's it because I don't know why I have that number in my head.

But when you said that, is that it? It's not it, but it's close. I don't know why. What's the number? The number is 150 people. Is what the person... To say that's way too many, it's like astronomically too many.

These numbers were created by people. This argument that we talk too much is being made by people who have 150 acquaintances they say hi to. It's like you. Hey, Atlantic. You talk too much apparently. 150? So Dunbar's number, I'm actually looking at it. The bigger breakdown is people have 5 to 15 close friends who you

confide in. No. Confide is like one. That's very close friends. Close friends, 50. 5-0 close friends people have. And then 100. 150 acquaintances.

No, acquaintances, that's the next level. That's 500. And then people. You could put a name to a face. 1,500. On no fucking planet. That's a different question. This is like a social experiment type thing.

I do often think, how many people can you name? Like, what do you think that number is just like celebrities like dennis rodman you know him fucking scotty pippen robert ory like i just just names and you could look at the person even like uh like i know that that like is a painting of like michelangelo if i know that's napoleon bonaparte if we did it all if we did like one time like all day we're like but we'd have to be talking and i'm like me talking makes me remember and i just shouted out someone's keeping track how many names i've named yes that would work like if you just put me in a quiet room and like name names i'd probably get to 100 i kind of want to put you in a room and just hold up you have to go through

every single person that works at barstool do you think you could get majority or less uh content definitely majority content i can name almost yeah definitely majority. Content I can name almost everybody. But including like... Content I can name close to everybody. Content people in the office I can name close to everybody. We'll see about that. But once you start bringing in producers and sales and all that shit, then no. And then there's also... There's people I know, people that I don't know,

and people that... There are people that I know, there are people that I don't know that I shouldn't know, and then there are people that I don't know that I should know. That's my – And that – That number is bigger than it should be. And I'm like cool with those people.

Like I'll see them and we can talk. Oh, I talk to them almost daily. But I don't know your name at all. So that's tough. I have a handful of people who I talk to almost daily who I don't know their names. And I've asked – I've done research and tried to find names. Other people also don't know their names.

They're like, yo, what's his name? I don't know. Yeah, that's a forgettable motherfucker. Other people who they work with. They don't know either. That's a them problem, not a you problem. I mean, technically, it's probably got to be like 10,000, right? If you just think about every TV show, every sports team, everything.

But again, that's prompted. Unprompted, how many names can you just name? Oh, yeah, yeah, I agree. That's a problem. Yeah, if someone, like you said, if someone's going around unlocking the doors to my brain, I can name more. But if I'm just sitting there, close your eyes and think of names.

But even that. Kyle Chandler and I'm out. But even that, you would start to go like, all right, the 99 Bruins, the 98 Bruins. You could name a lot. That's like Billy Eichner when he does Billy on the Street. I think he did it to Amy Poehler. He was like, name white people, like 20 white people.

And Amy Poehler named like two. And he was like, white people, just name them. Just say white people's names. And she failed miserably. There was one that was like, just name a woman. I was like, I can't do it. By the way, I love what Billy Eichner did.

I don't know if we ever mentioned it on the show. He did a full cast of gay people playing straight. Everyone on the show is straight, played by a gay actor. Really?

Which is kind of cool because it's like, I think it's like in production coming out. But it's kind of like what, you know, it's the reverse. It's always been,

I think that's cool. That's pretty cool. Yeah. But anyway, the point is that if you have more... I don't have anyone. I don't even confide in

a therapist. I have no one I confide in. I have no one in the very close friends range. I lie to my therapist exclusively. I lie more to my therapist than anybody. Anybody. I don't... I think everyone for me, my whole number of whatever can fit in the close friends range, 50.

I have 50 people in my life who I'm, like, cool with. Like, if I put them in a bar, it probably wouldn't be cool. I wouldn't run. But I'd be like, I wouldn't want them to sit with me. Share bar time with is, that's a smaller number than 50. I promise you that. Yeah, I wouldn't want to sit down but if I was like oh what's up man how you doing

how many people do you do the what's up man good to see you we should get some drinks sometimes dap it up and walk away how many people could you do that with that to me is yeah that's what I would consider it actually is

I'm happy to see you. It's good to see you. I remember that time in college. We had some fun. I remember those days in high school. I enjoy you. You're a good person. I'm going to say, sure, man, let's catch up.

Or whatever phrase you want to say. I'll say this for you. I never promote. No, I would never say it. But do they say it? I'm like, okay, cool. And then I never will. That's probably about 50.

All right. All right, fuck Dunbar. I don't even know who Dunbar is, but do they say it? I'm like, okay, cool, and then I never will. That's probably about 50. All right. All right, fuck Dunbar. I don't even know who Dunbar is, but he's an asshole, and you're an asshole if you're not wearing a movement watch. Movement watches are – they've been in the game now for probably about a decade. About as long as we have, yeah. You know, it's funny. It's like Barstool was the up-and-coming renegades,

and now we're the man. Movement was like the little whippersnappers who now just have the watch game on lock. Bang, bong! For Movement Watches. But what's cool is they stayed true to their brand, where they have high-quality materials, very stylish, on-trend, and still affordable.

Never have they raised their price. I've been doing these ad reads for fucking 10 years. Every single time it says starting at just $95 going up to 130. They haven't moved that once because they don't need to because the movement has taken over the world. They're profitable. They're successful. They give back.

They make everyone look great and they're not going to jack the prices and, uh, and, and charge it for more. Right now, you can get 15% off your order plus free shipping and free returns when you go to MVMT.com slash KFC. It's MVMT.com slash KFC. Get 15% off plus free shipping, free returns. Get your watches. They look like they should be $400 or $500. They're only $95.

You can also get sunglasses. You can get their blue light filtering glasses. All the accessories you need from your wrist all the way up to your eyeballs to make sure you're looking good and feeling good at movement. It's MVMT.com slash KFC. Am I the asshole today? We've got a couple things to tackle here. Yeah. we've got a couple things to tackle here.

Yeah. I told my boyfriend, stand up for this one. This is very apropos because of my esteemed colleague's new tattoo. I told my boyfriend, there's a small chance that mermaids might exist, and he insulted me. My boyfriend and I were FaceTiming, and I casually brought up the topic of mermaids.

I told him I think there might be a slight chance mermaids might be real, because we only know 5% of the ocean, and we don't know what the other 70% has. That's an interesting way to put it. We're missing 25%. So anyway, you're dumb, but there are millions of creatures we don't know, and there have been many reported sightings of mermaids.

I know mermaids might be fake. I never said they were real. However, my boyfriend got defensive and said I don't have logic and that I am not smart. I feel insulted. I think he was out of line and harsh. I was just trying to make conversation. Who's the asshole? She's got a point. She's got a great point.

I mean, you can't definitively say anything about the unknown. Yeah, like you can say that we have. But it's also, but that's also a fucking, that's a conspiracy theory. That's a catch all argument. Well, I can't fucking fight you. You can't disprove anything. We can't have a rational discussion about whether or not there are spaceships that come from the center of the Earth. Sure.

Because we don't know. We've never seen one. But however, based on the numbers we're talking about here, she might be the more logical one. I don't know. Clearly, she does not know either with the 75% math here. But if you told me that half of the ocean is still undiscovered, we're talking about a coin flip then. You don't know what's in that other half.

Yeah, I think it's safe to guess that it's not. I think there might be more. It's not like what a couple of fucking horned up drunk sailors saw. Like these guys are, if they were the witnesses to a crime that happened last night, they would not be considered reliable witnesses. Correct. Yeah, these are tales told hundreds of years ago. A couple guys saw a big titted fucking chicken swimming in the ocean one time. You saw a girl in a green bathing suit, bro. You saw a girl-titted fucking chicken swimming in the ocean one time. You saw a girl in a

green bathing suit, bro. You saw a girl swimming in pants. You were just horny. You were just manifesting vagina. You were fucking the peg boy down on your fucking boat. You just smelled some fucking fish and were like, that's gotta be some pussy.

That's gotta be some mermaid pussy. Jack Sparrow must be slaying downstairs. It's the same thing as saying, you know, the universe is like infinite. There's got to be some life out there. But the problem is you're specifying what kind of life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it would be like if I said like aliens exist, yes. But if I told you aliens from the movie Alien with the mouth that comes out of the mouth.

Correct. Exists, it's like, well, it could, but we're getting kind of specific here. I agree. If you're telling me there's stuff down in the ocean I've never heard of? Right. If you're telling me there's chicks who are fucking living in the ocean and they're embarrassed of their nipples so they take fucking

cohock shells and put them over their fucking meaty fucking pink nips. Fucking vaginas and they don't have legs and they just't have legs. That grows down to that. Gay. By the by, while we're talking about the gays, both you and I made an appearance on Out and About, which is out right now today. That might be the gayest podcast in the world.

And therefore, I think it has a chance to really succeed. I think Joey's a great addition. I think Joey's eventually going to be here full time. And I think that when the gay community or the straight community who's just looking for entertainment just want to be like, let's turn on some fucking wild gay shit, they're going to be the ones. I think I agree. And I feel threatened by it. That's our fucking brand right now. This is the biggest podcast in Barcelona.

What the fuck, guys? Yeah, Pat showed me his nuts yesterday. You never showed me your nuts. How about this? Nick said no. How gay is that? Nick Tarani? Yes. Nick Tarani said no to the nuts?

Yes. That's so gay. No nuts Nick, they call him? Yes. That's what they call him. If somebody says, do you want to see my balls? And you say no, that means you're so gay. No Nuts Nick, they call him? Yes. Oh, my God. That's what they call him. If somebody says, do you want to see my balls? And you say no, that means you're so gay. Because you're like, I can't look at balls.

I'll be gay then. What happens when I get hard? Am I going to cum? Can you make me cum afterwards? What's going to happen? I'm going to be blue balls. Yeah, but he said he was. I don't know why Pat was't know why um pat was doing

that bit because he just has regular balls i thought i was gonna see like grapefruits so they were gonna be like green or something i was like those look like my nuts i sexually harassed no a dog the other day. Oh no. Nick goes, oh no! It wasn't that sexually harassing. Oh no! I didn't touch his nuts or anything. So I'm just trying to see. I would sincerely hope not. I just followed him really closely for a while trying to tell.

It was almost like a Duncan sized golden doodle. And I was walking behind him and he had these fucking nuts that hung so low. And they were so skinny you so you know this no i just you know they were joining in the story here they were so low and so skinny and so black black nuts on a on a golden yeah and i was trying to figure out they were so skinny and long that i couldn't tell if it was a shit hanging out of his ass.

So I was getting really close behind this dog, squat walking behind it, trying to be like, are those nuts or is that a poo? I think... Tell you what, that's a tough look for the dog. I ended the journey, the quest, with a pretty...

Not... I declared them nuts right away when I first saw and then upon review it was not overturnable. No conclusive evidence. It was not inconclusive that they were not nuts.

Did you think about taking a picture? Ah, nah. I just looked at what was in the open air can you sexually harass a dog they can't consent one way or the other yeah so yeah you can technically every time you've ever had a dog

you can sexually assault a dog for sure you fuck a dog you're going to jail I feel like you could have asked hey dog owner I think your dog shit what if he shit on his dogs remember that dog there's that viral dog the pig where if he shit on his dogs? Remember that dog? Remember that? There's that viral dog.

The pig where he shits on his own nuts. Shits on his own balls, yeah. Call that pig John Feidelberg. That's disgusting. We just call you pig. You're going to hear, shout out to Whitney, we talk about pigs in this interview. Yeah, we talk about Pat. I said Pat.

What a fucking pig. And Pat's a pig. Yeah. Oh, can I tell you something about long balls? This is embarrassing. Everybody knows I'm a huge Bert Kreischer fan. He might be my number one in the fucking game.

Businessman, comedy, the type of guy he is. I think he's the best in the game. We've been lucky enough to interview him a couple times. I think we're actually going to do him coming up in November. He's such a friendly dude. I think we're actually going to do him coming up in November. He's such a friendly dude. I've kept in contact a little bit, like networked with him a little, and he was nice enough

to give me his number. And then even nice enough to send me his new number. Remember he said he sent around pictures with the new number. So I've texted Bert a couple times. And I would say I am getting replies at like a 25% clip. I've probably sent him four text

messages in my life I got replied to once it was one time when he recently sold out I don't know if you're very good at math either then one out of four it's 25% what do you think it was one out of four is no I thought you would I thought you would say, I thought, I fucked it up. I fucked it up. Move on. Fuck. Yeah. He said something else. No. Damn. So one time, when Bert sold out Red Rocks recently, I texted him and I said, like, congrats, man.

That's like a lifetime bucket list type shit. He wrote back like, thanks, brother. Well, he did an episode with Tom the other day on Two Bears talking about his long balls. And he was like, I have the longest balls in the world. And he showed Tom and Tom was like, Whoa, those balls are like their knee knockers. Like these are crazy balls. And I, you know, we've talked about our long ball days, like so much. I feel like we're the long ball podcast almost, you know? And so I didn't want to do it, but i texted him and i was like i know this is a weird text message but i gotta see those balls brother because i gotta compare we do our

own segment then our own segment we talk about it i gotta you know see what we're stacking up against and i just got left on read basically i just got ghost it's not official he doesn't have his read receipts but like i you know i did no response got ghosted by a man that i asked to see his balls that's got to be the worst ever non-response in your life and i knew it going in i was like if he doesn't reply to this this is like i'm never gonna text burt grayshire again what if he does decide to reply one day and he's like like scroll up like if the text message is still there like this guy was looking for my balls six months ago. The fuck.

So that's it for me. I'm never texting that again. But I also, I will now never have fear about like, what if this person doesn't text me back again? Cause I've had the worst. Yeah. I've had the worst that can happen to you in text.

That's a rough one. Hey man, can I see your long balls? No answer. Let me get the exact wording just to make sure you guys understand how embarrassed I am of myself In this moment I can't wait

It's almost like don't abuse Here's my number don't abuse this I'm asking for his balls I said this is a wild text to send But I gotta see how long your nuts are I feel like I've got the longest balls on record I need to understand what we're talking about Monday October 18th 5.07pm

Nothing Wait okay so that was about 10 days ago I need to understand what we're talking about. Monday, October 18th, 5.07pm. Nothing. Wait, okay, so that was about ten days ago? Fire him and pick at your balls right now. Just, just... Might have to. That's sexual harassment. That's harassment. I might wait for the longest ball day I possibly got

and just be like, fine, Bert. I guess I'll start off. You seem to have missed his text. Just circle him back. Here's what mine looked like. When they say, I see why am I? Yeah. You know how Google, like, Gmail's like, it's been three days.

Are you sure you don't want to reply? Here's my balls. Just so you know. This is what you're competing with how come iMessage doesn't have unsent legitimate like iMessage is technically its own app you know what i mean like it's not text messages it's iMessage yeah that should have an unsent feature does that anything else have unsent yes instagram has unsent really yeah it'll it'll you'll get a notification like john unsent a message but it doesn't tell you who unsent it.

You just get a notification. Oh, yeah. It'll just say you got an unsent message. And then you'll never know, really. Also, the people you're sending messages to, like, I don't know any notifications I get. By notifications, that little top button? Yeah, I have no idea. Yeah, I don't know.

But that's what I mean. So you can unsend it and you're safe. I would love to be able to unsend my long balls text to Berk. I would love that, man. Where's that feature hat, dude? Unsend that shit. I hope you're okay with us titling this episode something about that because that's probably going to happen. Oh, yeah, it's definitely happening.

I'm very aware of that. So anyway, am I the asshole for sending that text message to Burt Granger? Who's the asshole in the mermaid thing? Sounds like the boyfriend was really... By the way,

if at any moment in your fight with your girlfriend, you just say like, you're not smart, that's really fucking mean. Or both ways, girlfriend or boyfriend.

If you tell someone right to their face in a non-joking manner, you're not smart, that's like really fucking not nice i will say you're being an idiot sure i say that all that's fine but because that also gives you a loophole i said being right in the moment you're not being smart to be like you are an unintelligent person who at all times has a dumb brain i think that's me i think things like this

though because like they fucking matter when you're bringing it up. Are you talking about mermaids? Any kind of argument like this, when you're bringing it up matters. And this is relationships with friends. If I'm in the middle of something and you try and argue with me about why the possibility of mermaids exists, and I just... You're a fucking moron. I'm not in that mindset.

I'm not. I'm like no they fucking don't you fucking idiot but shut up Mike Bannon's about to put a knife through some guy's head I'm busy with important stuff

yeah but if I'm in the ATI room right right right right there's some logic to be had we can actually have a pretty like smart discussion about mermaids

yeah existing you know like if I just walked in from a long day at the office right and it's like babe I've been thinking oh I think mermaids exist because we don't know just walked in from a long day at the office right and it's like babe I've been

thinking oh I think mermaids exist because we don't know about you know there's 70% of the ocean

we don't know about and then the 5% and then you know who knows about the other 25% I'm fucking Homer's dad

I'm like I'm walking and walking I'm like not today not fucking today totally agree timing's everything

in life if we're having fun you're like alright I got something crazy to say yeah you can tell me anything as long're like, all right, I got something crazy to say. Yeah. But if you, if you can tell me anything,

as long as you preface it with, I got something crazy to say. Sure. So I'm like, all right, time to fucking boil up. Or I know this is dumb. Like I know this is dumb,

but yeah. But as long as you say, I guess it means you acknowledge that it's fun and we can have fun with it. Right. But if you're trying to come at me with like an actual, like, here's why I believe this thing. Yes. I'm like, I i'm gonna have to be i'm gonna have to fucking harry henderson you harry henderson's you like get out of here we

don't want you to to beat that out of your head like you stupid fucking idiot i guarantee you this is the only podcast maybe ever ever, to reference Harry and the Hendersons multiple times like this. Next up, am I the asshole? I, 29-year-old female, refuse to give that – or fuck, sorry. Hold on. I actually have it written down. Fake reading them is hard. Yeah, fake reading them is actually harder.

Yeah, it's better to just like not – Yeah, I'm just going to – all right. My friend who – she's 29. The guy she was hooking up with was 29. He wanted to get more serious and she just cut it off. He now has not stopped texting her about a charger. He had like a charger. He left it at her place.

She's like, okay, you could come get the charger. But like I looked into mailing it. Like it's one of those lithium ion ones. So it's like it costs a lot of money to fucking ship and he lives on long island so it's like he refuses to come get the charger so he's talking just keeps doing it and then sent his venmo to her and she's she's like should i just pay this guy and stop it not i said no or be spiteful and give him like a dollar a day on Venmo. It costs more money to ship a lithium charger? It doesn't cost

the same amount. She looked it up. It's like a $35 charger. You meant to buy a new one. To send him a new one or whatever. He wants the original, but she's like, it costs money to send it. Why does he want the original? What is happening with both of these people?

I'm never mailing you anything ever. I guess your friends didn't declare it, because I'm not mailing you anything. What are we doing? Sometimes when you break up, you lose things. I have a fucking electric toothbrush on my desk right now

from two years ago that I did intend to send back one when this happened, and I never did. And so I was just sitting there. And that girl just moved on and got a new toothbrush, I'm assuming. I don't think she hasn't brushed her teeth in two years. I think she just got a new electric toothbrush. To that girl, I'm sorry.

A phone charger is just like a portable charger. It's lunacy. Crazy. And if you... Like, I have 7,000... Give me this guy's address. I'll send him one. And a fat shit in it, too.

Yeah. I mean, how pathetic? Like, do you have... Like, you're going to look like the guy who is, like, texting and bothering all for a charger? He also, like, blocked her on everything else else but still just texts and now just keeps sending his Venmo name. No, no, no. This is insane.

Also though, doesn't this make you want to be like I'm going to send you a big amount of money to be like, fuck you. Here's $500, shut the fuck up. Have Amazon drop off $7,000 of these at his house. It's like, oh, you really showed me,000 of these at his house yeah it's like

oh you really showed me by sending me a bunch of money that's like oh this is this is kind of a good M.I.D. asshole um this kind of went

this went viral um under no circumstances should that should that girl ever give him that charger back or give him any money

or ever speak to him again that is fucking I actually would maybe break the charger and send it back like tweak it you know like fuck it up a would maybe break the charger and send it back. Like, tweak it. You know, like, fuck it up a little bit. Oh, no.

Yes. And then send it. I don't like that. I don't like that. Definitely. Or send it, like, without the cord. No, yeah, no. Like, jam a fucking screwdriver in there

so it looks like it's fine. No, leave the screwdriver in it. Send it back. Send it back fucking destroyed. Absolutely destroyed. This is my favorite. And put a note in it that said, whoops, mailman might have fucked this up. From now on, talk to my people.

Parenthetical UPS. You know what? No, you have the screwdriver in there with a note saying, like, here's your charger. I left a note for the UPS people saying specifically not to put a screwdriver in it. So I hope they didn't do that. Okay, this one was in confession. I ghosted my boyfriend of five years. I came over to his house one morning

to surprise him with breakfast and a video game he wanted only to find him naked asleep with his ex-girlfriend curled up in his arms. He didn't hear me come in. So I closed the bedroom door and left his breakfast and game on the kitchen counter along with the key to my house. I went to my car.

I deactivated my Facebook. I blocked him on all forms of social media. I then called my phone provider to change my number before driving off. I texted my family and close friends that we were no longer together and to block him on social media as well. I didn't tell them why I was in a position to end my lease in my apartment early and I started a new job in a different city later that week. I completely removed myself from him and didn't offer a shred of explanation for dialogue. life after his betrayal and i think uh it'll not only help me focus more without his presence but i think completely shutting myself off from him will hurt worse than anything he thinks on how

good he had it with me these last five years well boy did she show him god i mean how is this like the best example of like girls and relationships not understanding anything what do you mean oh no if i was, if I was him, I'd be like, what the fuck? Oh, no, this guy doesn't give a fuck. I disagree. Oh, I think there's probably like a what the fuck, but I think... Because I think it's human nature, like you, even when you're guilty, you still want your day in court. Where you're like, I didn't even get to make an argument here.

No, that's what I mean. I think when you know you're dead to rights, it's like, okay, there's no consequences for this guy. I mean, yeah. This girl completely altered and inconvenienced her entire life

to let this guy off the hook. This guy's just gonna keep banging his ex-girlfriend and be like, I don't know, my other girlfriend. Yeah, that's gonna fucking suck too. That's like some like, go ahead, I, my other girlfriend. Yeah, that's going to fucking suck too. That's like some like, go ahead, I will let you into your misery. Well, it depends on, yeah. She's your ex-girlfriend for a reason. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think we might be projecting in certain instances on this one. But I think there might be some people who are just like, okay, I'm going to keep fucking that girl. If the alternative is like, I guess if this guy really didn't know that he got caught I think you'd put two and two together

I just was cheating and now she's gone and now I don't have to like she's not screaming and yelling at me we're not crying, I'm not apologizing she's not breaking my windows it's just like, whatever that's just like, I don't know I had a girlfriend but she died

now I'm single again. We quickly, we quickly broke up. I mean, look, this is the cleanest breakup of all time. Not the cleanest. I think I had the cleanest.

Uh, well, when you cried and chugged all over yourself, walked out, walked out. I mean, it was, it was objectively messy.

It was covered in tears and beer. You had to do laundry after your breakup. It's not clean. It's not clean. But the, uh, the, it is, it does. I, I think It's not clean. But the, the, it is,

it does, I think even when you're like, I, I think it's just like human nature. I can get out of this a little bit. I think you're like, I can, I can,

I can fight. I guess it depends on this girl. Like if she is like the catch of all catches, maybe. Right. Maybe like, oh my God, I fucked up.

But it's even like, I don't want someone, what is it? I think, is it Matt Damon? Someone has a line where it's like, I just can't stand the idea of someone not liking me or whatever. I'm like, okay, even like,

I still want to be able to try and put this right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's... But that's also, you're giving way too much credit to the human, to humanity. Like, I think we're like that. When somebody doesn't like me, I'm very surprised. Like, in person. That's why it's so funny that half the internet hates

me. Because I'm like, if you guys knew me, we'd probably be friends. surprised like in person that's why it's so funny that like half the internet hates me because i'm like if you guys knew me we'd probably be friends uh on the internet i can understand because i'm always i'm an asshole on the internet i'm like you know fuck you and everything you stand for i don't expect you to like me yeah it's kind of like dave chapelle with the trans people i think dave chapelle's like why like please like me trans people i swear to god i don't have a problem with you it's like but you've made fun of us for five straight specials so fuck you you know it's only human nature to be like fuck off um but like if if you've met me in real for five straight specials. So fuck you. You know, it's only human nature to be like, fuck off. But like, if you've met me in real life,

I don't, I can't think of anybody aside from obviously like, you know, the failed marriage and stuff. There are people who don't like me because of that. But just like social situations where I've met people and hung out. I don't think there's ever been. It's unpersonable. Yeah, like I don't think there's ever been someone like, man, like they brought Kevin to that party. Like, fuck that guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least that I know of. Because if they didn't tell me, they did this, and I have no idea. And I'm just okay with it. So if you hate me, want to dump me, want to fire me, want to cut me out of your life. That's fine. Just don't tell me.

Yeah, do it this way. And then I'm all good. Ignorance is bliss, bro. That landed the plan pretty well. That got home to me where it's like, oh, if you hate me, just don't tell me. Right. That's fine. This is the ultimate like – and also, I mean, again –

Yeah, you really swung me. If she was already – if you get a new job and move cities, you're not like winning the breakup. Unless that was all set up already, but it's like if you had to like leave your profession yeah i was go to a later that later that week i was gonna do talent yeah that's fast yeah it's like oh now i don't live with any of my friends or like i don't know like you really won dude that's true that's a very good breakup is like i continue to if you're gonna get petty and shit like that like i lived my life as usual and i have have a new person, and I'm happy, and all that, right in front of your face. This is like... I don't know. She fell off a cliff. She died on impact.

We're done. You win, I guess. Don't even have a funeral to go to. We have to fake cry. This is easy. This is the best. It's amazing. Alright, voicemails. We got some video voicemails? Yep. Video voicemails today are brought to you by Nothing New, our sneaker collaborator. the moon man ones

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Get the Moonman Ones right now from nothing new. Well, voicemails will be out. AFC Radio. You're talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Fun fact, my mom made out with Arnold Schwarzenegger on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Also, I'm at work, so you guys can, like, turn up the

volume. These headphones fucking suck. But my mom made out with Arnold Schwarzenegger on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Turns out he had a wipe from the internet because that was when he was trying to be the governor. So now you just can't even find a thing of it. My mom has the VHS, and TMZ even called my dad at one point asking about it.

He wanted to complain about it, and my mom hopped on the phone and be like, it's fine, leave it alone. What? First of all, this guy has a mullet. It's amazing. Second of all, he works in some sort of fucking factory. I don't know what was going on there

with the background vacuums and sounds. Third of all, your mom made out with Arnold. Wait, wait. Also, why was he talking like that? He sounded like Jim Caviezel doing the QAnon thing. It just didn't sound... It was a weird, like, in-between voice, right? Yeah, it was like almost reading, but not really reading. I couldn't really tell

what was happening there. Your mom made out with Arnold. I was about to be like, let's fucking pull this up. We'll find this. It's been scrubbed from the internet, but there's a VHS in existence. Your dad clearly doesn't like that. He's like, I don't know. Your mom being like, it's fine. Just don't worry about it.

Dad is an adult man. Schwarzenegger, I remember Schwarzenegger being the governor of California. He made out with your mom when you were like 20. He was conceived and born and probably alive. So it stands to reason not some fucking giant leap like

mermaids exist, that his mother was a married woman making out on national television. Also, who was his mom? Yeah, why is she on the Tonight Show? Maybe she's like a... Without saying any government names, can we look at what his email was and maybe put some pieces of the puzzle together?

Because maybe she was just like a production assistant or something. Maybe she just worked something. They just had her come out and make out with a guy? I think if Arnold... That's some classic 90s shit. Bring out the hot woman. She's going to kiss the fucking movie star. No, that's what I wonder if he meant on air.

I think if Arnold Schwarzenegger was making out with a chick on – oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. No, no, no. We fucked this all up. He had it erased when he ran for governor. Yeah. He was like on The Tonight Show in like the 80s being Arnold making out with this chick. That makes more sense.

So that's – so like maybe in like the 80s maybe it was like, yeah, we – I mean you've seen those clips of the old Family Feud with the guy – the host kisses everyone on whips. You know what I mean? Like who knows what's going on back then. It was probably like bring him out and he'll give you a fucking – he'll give you a hand job. Because here's the thing. Arnold doesn't just make out with chicks.

Arnold made out with your mom at the Tonight Show and then he fucked your mom in a hotel after the Tonight Show. I don't know about that. Bro, if I made out with someone mom at the Tonight Show and then he fucked your mom in a hotel after the Tonight Show I don't know about that bro if I made out with someone at the Tonight Show I'd be like I better not see this person ever again if it was like the fucking the guy you made out with Ryan Reynolds on the Tonight Show

you wouldn't want to keep it going I could see this being like you know it's like 4 o'clock when you film these things, right? And it's like, all right, meet me in my hotel tonight. Yeah. If you want to have sex right then, I'm not planning sex. I'm not being like, come meet me later.

I'm going to hopefully. But you're talking about Arnold, man. He has some schlep. But I think that's like he's like. You think Arnold fucks? He's such a celebrity. Yeah, he fucks. He doesn't give a fuck if you're hot or not.

He fucks ugly maids. Yeah. Yeah, he does. You're right. give a fuck if you're hot or not. He fucks ugly maids. Yeah. Yeah, he does. You're right. Yeah, that's right. Arnold, yeah. Arnold's probably hooking up with your mom. I could see Arnold doing some Patino shit, too.

Like, coming in two seconds. It's like a mess and weird. You know what I mean? Was Patino a mess? I just feel like, you know, it's also like. He's Italian, so. Like, Harvey Weinstein's dick was mutilated. Things like that.

I could just see weird situations where it's like this really famous guy. It's like his dick was a fucking mess. Why Harvey Weinstein participated in the fucking BDSE – BDE Pan Olympics? Yeah, yeah. It looked like – the way they described his dick, it sounds like it looks like they just like – The BDE, what was it? I just remember it being called Pan Olympics. You're thinking of BDE, Big Dick Energy.

But it's like BMO or – It's something. Type in Pan Olympics. It will pop up. I don't know. It will. Olympics. You're thinking of BD, Big Dick Energy, but it's like BMO or... It's something. Type in Pain Olympics. It'll pop up. I don't know what it will. Wait, what is it? That's old school. Pain Olympics, but the name will pop up.

You know Pain Olympics, Mike? Unfortunately, yeah. Yeah. Jackie, you know Pain Olympics? Probably not. Do you know the Pain Olympics? No. No.

Just keep it that way. BME. BME. Yeah, BME. Original video? There's no way it's the original video where they're stabbing

each other with screwdrivers yeah BME pain Olympics that shit is fucking wild there's no way

we're gonna be able to find the pain Olympics anyway by the way is there a question here or is it just like no it's just a story it's a story

I was gonna say can he send us the video had to get it off his chest I'll reach out that's what I was thinking By the way, is there a question here? No, it's just a story. Can he send us the video? Had to get it off his chest. I'll reach out and ask for it. That's what I was thinking. He's already had a scandal. Without the story, no one's going to care. Arnold kissed a person one time? We'll tell the tale.

I feel like that is highly disrespectful to the father. If we were just like, sorry, bud. We're posting this shit. Go on viral. But also, if they weren't together. Yeah, if they weren't together, it's like, yeah, man, what do you want me to tell you?

Like, your wife existed before you. Yeah, the woman I'm with kissed other people. Right. Who is the last person you would want your wife to have kissed? Publicly, like, made out with, you know? Like, on The Tonight Show. Probably Harvey Weinstein. Yeah. Because then I'm a pussy. wife to have kissed publicly like made out with you know like on the tonight show probably harvey weinstein yeah because then i'm a pussy i let it happen where are you protecting your woman yeah that's true anything that reflects poorly on me i really it's really like frankie muniz baby

why don't you punch that guy in the face I don't know Frankie is this it nah if Frankie Munez kisses your girl and you just get like bowled over

you gotta you gotta like change cities man you gotta like change your whole fucking identity look at that fucking

I like how fucking Pav zoomed in like we can't see porn I didn't know just watch this just watch this dude stab a fucking dick

dude that guy is pounding that girl Jesus Christ it's not a download it's not a download no that your computer will burst into flames

um worst person to kiss I mean like I could say like you know like Derek Jeter and like that like sports wise but like just

pure and let's remove like fucking criminals cause like yeah you don't want like R. Kelly making out with your girl that would suck just from a distaste and let's remove like fucking criminals because like yeah you don't want like R. Kelly making out with your girl that would suck

just from a distasteful it's like like the answer is probably me I would not want to see you kissing my girl yeah that's true

and then like also people would be like people would be constantly harassing you if there was a video of me kissing a pair or more

of yours it would end this podcast. Yeah, I read that. It's romantic, bitch. It would be something you can't get over. Because not only that, it would just be like people would bother you about it so often that you would grow to hate it. Even if you didn't really care. Even if you were like, oh, it was on a tonight show. It's a thing.

Who cares? It would bother you and bother you and bother you until eventually. It might not happen today. It might happen tomorrow. Years down the road, it would get to the point where you'd be like, fuck this dude. You know what that is? We always talk about the picture in the bathroom. In the kitchen, I believe.

I would also say Andy Milonakis. Andy Milonakis. Really don't want that happening. And it's got nothing to do with him. It's just got everything to do with how disinterested he was in doing this podcast. Yeah, he really hated this podcast so much. He hated it so much. Maybe Jack Black would not make me happy.

Oh, I love Jack Black. I'd kiss my girl for sure. Hell yeah. Jack Black? I'll kiss Jack Black. One of the more underrated artists of the generation. Really? Oh, he's the best.

Jack Black? You know who I would really hate? Bam Margera. Oof. That's a rough one. He's gone from bad to worse, and I don't want him kissing my lady. Not even the kiss. Like, why were you?

You have low standards. Yeah, I don't want to see Bam. Ugh. Next up. Can you get HPV from Bam's mouth? Probably. Definitely. Oh. Kevin. Fight. Wow. Jackie. Nikki. Risky business. bam's mouth probably definitely oh kevin fight wow jackie nicky risky business i don't know why

i don't say your names uh i got a hypothetical for y'all you might think it's gonna be funny with all i got going on here it's not so let's say you murder somebody sure but you have a hundred percent chance you're walking free but you gotta go got to go to try. You've got to see, like, The Weeping Mother and all that shit. Tough. But you're going to be completely clear. You've got, like, the Monstars as your lawyer team. Or you don't kill anybody. You kind of get framed.

You get indicted, whatever. Only a 25% chance that you're going to walk free. Here's the kicker. You're 21 years old, and you're going to be a fucking star as long as you don't get you know arrested for murdering somebody going to jail for life you got a voice like adele jokes like chapelle whatever which would you rather do kill them walk free make your money have a fantastic life maybe not fantastic y'all are famous y'all hate it apparently or don't kill them you know roll the dice on the one out of four chance that you uh

don't make it up all right let me know what y'all think so the the the problem here is living with the guilt i would assume right yes you know because you get away you live your life but you have to know every day that you murdered somebody, and the mother's like, yeah, you murdered him, but you got away with it. So you're OJ, but you're thriving. OJ. I love OJ. He's on the golf course every day. Yeah, he is thriving.

You're just OJ. OJ came out of jail. He's a scratch golfer already. Or you sleep at night, and you have a 75% chance that you get off anyway. So then you have it all. So you have a 75% chance that you get off anyway. So then you have it all. You have a 75% chance that you got it all. Versus a 100% chance but you...

I really want to take the 100% chance at the risk of sounding like a pussy. I don't know if I can kill somebody. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Time out. Pause. Loop. Oh! Can I kill anybody?

Yeah, that's what I was saying. Can it be a bad person? Like a bad person? Sure. Can I just go kill OJ while I'm on the tee box? Dude, if you kill OJ, you'd be a fucking hero. Or a villain. Yeah.

We'll toss up these days. Right, it really is. It really is. I don't think there's any. Who could you kill? That's like 100%. Off the top of your head, who could you kill where you'd have 100% unit? Not even 100%.

Where you would have a majority of people happy you did it. No, you could get majority. Because Harvey Weinstein would get you majority. Weinstein in majority, but then you get people being like, it's not a death penalty. Right, right. But that's why, like... All he did was end a couple careers.

So call it, like, 90% then. Because we're not going to get a lot of those. Everyone's pissed at them still. Who? I said Clinton's killed Epstein. Yeah, everyone's mad at them. Clinton's killed a boatload of people. Allegedly.

Like, Kim Jong-un probably gets you pretty high on Bs. You got a whole fucking slew of people that would be crying over it, though. But I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. What's the egg in voicemail?

The, uh... How about, um... God, this is a time I wish I could bring Hitler back to life. Yeah, yeah. How about, um... There's a couple other times. The other times that... Look, the world really needs a villain right now, bro. My dad, we just kept Hitler on ice for when we needed to be unified.

You know what that is? Guess who's back! That's what Breaking Bad did. Breaking Bad was like, we gotta make a way for the people to sympathize with Heisenberg again. Bring in the Nazis! Bring in Hitler! We just Ted Williams to Hitler. Look, he's defrosting.

You guys better all get on the same side quick. Who's the guy that stole the Wu-Tang albums? What's his name again? Shkreli? Shkreli? Shkreli? Shkreli's going to get you a big approval rating. Shkreli's going to get me a high approval rating. Shkreli's going to get me a high approval rating.

Which is kind of fucked up. Don't get me wrong. By no means a good guy. Also, there are worse people than Jermaine. Way worse. I think Shkreli's problem is just what he looks like. PR, yes. His name.

I think there's tons of people who are just fucking staying over at the Waldorf right now. Who do exactly what Shkreli does, but they don't look as ratty as he does. He's an asshole businessman, but he has that smirk. Yeah, he has a smirk and he has a Twitter account. He could have done what he did in the shadows

until he died. Also, that Wu-Tang thing was stupid. He should have bought the album, put it out, and been like a hero. You could have made yourself better. Yeah, I think when I did the biggest asshole villain tournament,

Martin Shkreli was the only real person. Everyone else was a fucking fake. And he was like versus Shooter McGavin. One's a movie character. One is just you, bro. He might be the one. Maybe Bing Bong Guy. Yeah, if I could kill a bad...

I can't just go kill like some fucking dad working two jobs trying to put food on the table yeah that's tough that's hard to like what is weeping kids and shit but if I could just fucking give Hitler CPR and kill that motherfucker or kill like an old person who's like wants it you know what I mean oh like the nursing home. Euthanasia. Just walk through a fucking nursing home with a bullhorn. Who wants it? Who wants it? Like the ice cream man. The sound's playing.

It's coming down my hall. Me, me, me, me. Who wants it, baby? Hands up. Hands up. All right, last voicemail. If you can't do the hands up, unplug the heart monitor. I'll fucking follow the fast beep so it won't come and resuscitate you.

Kick it indoors. Push your call nurse button. I'll come fucking kill you. The doctor is in. Last voicemail is brought to you by Sling TV. You want to watch live TV? You want to watch live sports? You also want to watch Barstool Sports 24-7?

You can get Sling TV. You want to watch the Knicks right now want to watch Barstool Sports 24-7. You can get Sling TV. You want to watch the Knicks right now as they become one of the best fucking teams in the NBA. You know what else was funny? The amount of people,

not the amount of people, this one guy tried to say like, I can't be selling the Bing Bong shirts. He dug up tweets of me saying like, fuck James Dolan.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I saw that. Like, I still kind of believe they won't win a title until James Dolan's gone. They are very much on the right track, but I still think like, they have a long way to go and Dolan. Oh, yeah, I saw that. Like, I still kind of believe they won't win a title until James Dolan's gone. They are very much on the right track, but I still think, like, they have a long way to go, and Dolan will somehow, someway fuck it up because he's James Dolan. So I stand by that.

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I'm not going to do this again. I'm sure I'm wrong. Yeah, you're definitely wrong. Hamilton's on the 10. No, Jackson. Andrew Jackson? Andrew Jackson. Hamilton's for sure on the 10. Because they were talking about giving him the boot Andrew Jackson. Hamilton's for sure on the 10. Yeah.

Because they were talking about giving him the boot to give it to Harry Tubman. See, I thought Tubman was getting the 20. Nah. He should be because Andrew Jackson, I think, like... I think I'm right, bro. That's Hamilton on the 10. Jackson on the 20.

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It's really the best way to cut the cord because you worry about sports. You worry about live stuff. Sling's got all that, so you really don't have to pay for all those extra channels. Sling.com slash barstool. Last one. What is this, a fucking pilgrim? Is she a Puritan?

KFC, Fights, Nick, Jackie, hello. How are we? I'm Sarah. Welcome. And today I'm leaving a video voicemail because I recently have just been thinking a lot about my junior prom. Who has them? So I was 17. I was a junior in high school.

I had a boyfriend that went to a different school. So obviously I asked him to go to prom with me. Did he say no? He showed up. He showed up late, but he showed up. And then he continued to break up with me at my junior prom and if this wasn't bad enough just wait Yeah. Yeah. Cricket noises.

Cricket noises. That was the DJ's promo for himself after my junior prom. And I, today, am here to ask you, can you top my rejection story? Wait, I lost it at the TikTok. What was the TikTok? Because I genuinely don't think you can that was his that was the dj's i don't get it it's just those two sitting in the corner breaking oh let me see it

oh so the dj for the prom made his own like promo video fucking smoke going off lights going off cuts to the lame couple breaking up with the cricket noise that's hilarious that is i gotta be honest i'll tell you what funny dj that's a funny dj and that's uh who i am gonna go murder for the 100 thing i'm gonna murder that guy who dumped that girl at the DJ and that's who I am going to go murder for the 100% thing. I'm going to murder that guy who dumped that girl at the junior prom. That's like the meanest fucking thing you can do. That's you're going out of your way to be mean. That girl must be horrible or something.

The only reason I would do that is like – She seems nice enough. That's what I mean. The only reason I would break up with someone on her – Yes, Sarah. Sarah seems nice enough if if i was dating someone and i found out that she like poisoned my family dog and killed it i'd be like okay bitch i'm gonna take you to the prom and break up with you like i'm gonna ruin you like like what is the rationale for just like i'll do

it tomorrow the yeah like how can you or the? Or I'll do it the day before. Right, or anything. It wasn't a surprise that prom was coming up. Or even like the minute before, like let's not be at the prom breaking up. Although, the other side of it is like I mean, we're talking about a high school relationship, so it's silly, but, you know, maybe he was like, I know this isn't gonna work

but we just gotta get through the prom and then I'll do it later and then like, the prom just fucking sucked and like, you know she did what she does and I do do it later. And then like the prom just fucking sucked. And like, you know, she did what she does and I do what I do. And it's like breaking up with a plane. Yeah.

I mean, it's like that guy just, he was like, I can't do it anymore. We're breaking up, you know? So maybe, but man,

right. It's also her prom. It's not even his prom. It was her school. If you were like, it's our prom and you're ruining it, Sarah. So fuck you. We're breaking up, but it's like, and you're ruining it, Sarah, so fuck you. We're breaking up.

But it's like, I'm your guest, and I'm breaking up with you and ruining your prom. That's fucked. Dude, were you ever the guest at a prom? It is. I was. Yeah. The worst. I don't know anybody. Oh, I was a guest at, like, a higher grade, but not a different school. Oh, yeah, I was that, too. Yeah.

I've also been to another school. I was like, I don't fucking know anyone. I wish I could dig out my prom pictures, man. I look like Tracy McGrady at the draft in 03. Like long coat, no like lapel on the jacket. I mean, it was ridiculous. Dude, actually, the more I think about that promo too, like that couple always thinks they're being sneaky, like the fight couple.

Yeah. Everyone knows what you're doing sitting in the corner table. And guess what? Even though we can't hear you, bring in down the vibes. Big time. Hey, hey,

Tom, just dump her and like, let's get back. Let her get back to the dance floor. Go outside or something. Get out. Yeah. Like,

is everyone like kind of dancing? Yeah. You know what? It's like being, um, the drunk one around sober people. It's like, yeah, we're having, we're the fun people and you're not, you're judging us. We're judging. It's just the bit, huh? Yeah. You know what? It's like being the drunk one around sober people. It's like, you know, we're the fun people and you're not.

You're judging us. We're judging. It's just the whole, the whole. No, thank you. No, thank you. You made me, like, puke in my mouth a little bit thinking about that. Let me just say this to all the young, all the youngsters out there. Fighting in public with your significant other is 100% unacceptable.

Like, truly, that should be an absolute deal breaker. I've been that couple. Oh, I've been it the majority of my life. The majority of my times out with significant others, I've been the fighting public couple. The second that happens, you should break up with someone. It is patently ridiculous. And especially if you're like yelling and shit. If you're making a scene,

that's like, one of you is probably being like abusive. Get out. But if you're fighting in public, it's over. Just do it. Just pull the plug. Maybe I'll give you one.

Like you have a bad night or something like that. But if it's like a thing, or you're scared it might happen again, or it's just – it's something that we like let slide I guess kind of. It's like, I don't know, a bad night or whatever. It's like, no. If you're ever like screaming at someone in public, you should not be with them. It's like the same – if you had like a big blowup like that with a friend, you'd be like, I'm not going to just hang out with you like the next night. You know what I mean?

I feel like friends are different. I guess I've never had a blowup. I've had fistfights with friends. But I've never had a blow up I've had fist fights with friends guys are different too just fighting in public no absolutely not you can do it like once and then maybe be like

yo if this ever happens again it's over it's so embarrassing it's so so embarrassing it's never over something it's always out if it's like sober fighting in public you over something. Ever. There's never a legitimate reason. It's always out. Well, it better be out. If it's like sober fighting in public, you're both fucking crazy. I remember once I was out and it was like the peak of Barstool really taking its toll on the relationship for many reasons.

And what set her off at the time was like people wanted pictures and they were like throwing the camera in her hands. And there were girls who wanted to take pictures, all this shit. And we're like fighting in public. And this guy from like a block away is like, yo, KFC, is that you? What up, man? And I was literally like, not now. Shut up. Not now, bro. It was the most unbelievable timing I've ever seen in my life. It's the Godfather. Yes. not now shut up not now bro

it was the most unbelievable timing I've ever seen in my life yes exactly that stop it it was brutal man alright Whitney Cummings is on the show I think let's do that because that voice was so short

and Whitney so long we just did one before that voicemail I also have another voicemail. I also have another voicemail if you want to rip one quick. Okay. Skyler did another one. Alright, let's do one more from Skyler.

Oh yeah. Oh, Skyler's a guy and that's the one that Zach wants to fuck? Oh, is Skyler a suicide doctor? Okay. Welcome back Skyler. So this is what I like about the video voicemail. We put a face to the name.

Zach's going to jerk off. It's going to be a whole thing. Zach's like, hell yeah. Bro's got a smartphone in his hand. He can look up any person on the planet. Hot dude? Granted, Skyler is a very, like, pretty specific name, and we had a voicemail earlier,

but he's been thinking about Skyler. He's been waiting for voicemails like, maybe Skylar's today. Maybe we'll be on Skylar today. Who knows? Today could be the day. Well, it's your lucky day, Zach. Get out the lube. What's up, KFC? He is a great looking guy. He has a necklace out there.

So I was recently at a gay Halloween party. Now, it's not like they're checking everybody. You fuck dudes. No, I'm sorry. We can't have any of that in here. But, it's not like they're checking everybody. Plugging in the mic. Hey, bro, you fuck dudes. No, I'm sorry. We can't have any of that in here. But there was an abundance of gay men there. And I found out after the party, or kind of during the party, every dude in there wanted

to fuck the shit out of me. Apparently. I don't know what it is. Yeah. I know I was giving some vibes off to Zach last time. I don't know. it is yeah i know i was giving some vibes off to zach last night i don't know yeah you know but what i realized was is the fact that a bunch of gay dudes wanted to suck my dick meant like a thousand times more than if it was like a room full of chicks and i don't know what that's about but like, like, you know, for as long as I've been insecure, as long as I've been alive, I've been seeking female attention.

It's, like, cracking my veins. But gay dudes? Like, fucking heroin. And I don't know what that's about. You know, probably bisexual. We'll find out eventually. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. For the record, I do have a girlfriend, Madeline Baby,

if you're watching this. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love record, I do have a girlfriend, Madeline, baby, if you're watching this, I love you. I love you so much. I'm full of dudes wanting to suck my dick. What a guy! What a Skyler! Join the team, bro. What do you do for a living,

Skyler? What do you do for a living besides be hot and bisexual? What was so funny is everything that we were either thinking or saying out loud he said on the voicemail mention. He got to it. I love, like, I don't know why all these guys want to suck my dick. I know why.

Yeah. You look like a fucking Adonis, dude. You're super goddamn hot. I can just find my jawline and hair and facial structure probably is what does it. He looks like Sean Hunter. He looks like Joey Lawrence. He looks like every, like, 90s heartthrob superstar. Which is, dude, Gen Z love that shit.

Absolutely. They are fucking. I mean, Zach came. Zach really. Zach, he said your name. He knows who you are, Zach. Zach came like a rocket ship. Maybe you could be, like, the guy who, you know, his gay Sherpa.

You'll show him the way. Yeah, I mean, first of all, wherever you're from, Skylar, hit me up. Let me know. If Skylar's nearby, come to the live show with the Milk Girls. We're just going to have a whole fucking extra game. That would be a good idea. If Skylar's not nearby and it's free that up. Let me know. If Skyler's nearby, come to the live show with the Milk Girls. We're just going to have a whole fucking extra game. That would be a traffic answer. If Skyler's not nearby and it's free that weekend, I'll fly you out. Fly out culture for Zach.

Find out where Skyler's from. I might fly Skyler out to the live show. I'm not kidding. Find out where Skyler's from. I will fly Skyler out to the live show. Like, whatever. Like, anything under a $600 plane ticket, you're caught. Oh, no.

We'll buy his flight. We'll put you up. Skyler, we're making no money on this show. Skyler? Skyler's coming. We will fly you out to the show. Bro, I'm envisioning like a... You're sleeping on Zach's couch.

I mean, you've got to fuck Zach to do it. I'm envisioning a surprise guest appears from Skyler and the crowd goes wild for bisexual Skyler comes out. You can bring Madeline. Bring Madeline along, I guess. He's dead right.

I mean, and I think it's something... I don't know how old he is. Do we know? Oh, right, because he was a 19-year-old who had problems with the therapy, and I was like, shut the fuck up. Oh, yeah. So he's a young buck. Thankfully legal for you.

But I think every guy goes through this, and he might be going through it for the first time when you realize that guys hitting on you counts more. A gay guy compliments your clothes or your look. A guy says he wants to fuck you. Whatever. It's like, oh, wow. Anything but a white person's compliment means more. A regular, straight

white person's compliment means nothing. Even a woman's. I'm like, I don't fucking care. When a black guy's like, yo, I love your podcast, I'm like, wow! Our show's great! A black person's compliment to anything? Love it. Gay person's compliment to anything? Love it. I guess I had to

rate things. I guess a woman comes in third. A straight woman. I would go gay guy one, black person two, straight woman three. How about this? I got a gay black guy who hits on me in my DMs. Yeah? That's like the pinnacle.

Yeah, I know. Are you going to spin that into some kind of financial domination situation? Let's hope. Well, Fingdom? I mean, I might just spin it. Fingdom game? Bro, I might just spin it into a sexual situation. I did my toe with the Fingdom game, bro.

Yeah, you did like a pussy, though. Bro, can you imagine one day just explaining to fucking, like, your grand... Like, honestly, I want to explain to, like... Hang on. I just came up with a, I want to explain to, like... Hang on. I just came up with a bit I want to do at the live show, so just cut that out. I mean, I might just spin it into a sexual situation. You're about the fin-dom shit.

I just want this black gay guy to just compliment me all the time. My confidence will be through the roof, and I just got to fuck you every now and then. You're indirectly spinning it into a fin-dom situation. Right. Or making money because of the confidence you now have. Exactly. Yeah. And all I gotta do is like blow you. I don't know. Whatever.

Um, yeah, man, like Skyler, come on down, bro. Come on out. I do think it's I think it's gay guys are the pinnacle. Because they have like style and they are still, you know what it is about girls, they're just illogical irrational beasts. We can't trust your fucking...

We can't trust your opinion. When you say something nice about us, it's like, well, that... Who knows if that's true or not. Wait, yeah, I am reordering my... It's gay guys one, black people two, straight guys three. Sure. Because those are so few

and far between. A straight guy giving you a real compliment is like, well, you know it's fucking real. Yeah. There's, like, no reason not, you know, like, no reason to do this other than, like, you're overwhelmed. You got to tell me. Yeah. When a woman compliments him, like, you just want to fuck me.

Right. I'm not. I'm not a piece of meat, you fucking slut. You're just objectifying me. You're just saying that because you want to fuck me. But for some reason, it doesn't bother me when a gay guy does. It's like, oh, you want to you wanna fuck me but you didn't say that because you wanna fuck me

yeah exactly I'm a bell of the ball alright interview time with Whitney Cummings speaking of and Whitney Cummings I said this in the interview she

on her show is where I learned that one of her like friends in Hollywood anonymously said once you get your dick sucked by a guy you'll never want to get

your dick sucked by a girl again Tyler you hear that? That's funny. Also, by the way, everyone tweeted Whitney that we should have a sleepover at her house. Yes, we are. Because she offered it, and we're going to bully her into keeping secondary promise. We're going to Whitney land for sure. I think Skylar would probably look so fucking great in some Cuts clothing.

Because, you know, listen, Cuts clothing. Jesus Christ, Zach, that was the second biggest guy in this room. Everybody looks good in Cuts clothing, but when you're in shape. You went method actor on that. You said great, pretty, sauce. Yeah, listen, when you're a 19-year-old piece of ass like Skylar, you put on a fucking Cuts clothing shirt. Sorry, I thought Skylar're a 19-year-old piece of ass like Tyler, Skylar, you put on a fucking Cuts clothing shirt. Sorry, I thought Skylar was a woman's name for a second. Everybody wants to fuck you, man.

How can this guy have problems in therapy? Look at the way we talk about him. Goodness gracious. We all want to be Skylar when we grow up. I've basically been craving female attention my whole life. You're not getting it? What? Over the last three weeks? No shit. So Cuts clothing. He's like, I've basically been craving female attention my whole life. You're not getting it? What? Goodness. Over the last three weeks?

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It's Whitney Cummings on KFC Radio with one of the most absurd interviews we've ever done. It's one of the all-timers. It's a legitimate all-timer of an interview. Within like five minutes, we're talking about Golden Showers. Yeah. And she absolutely just annihilates Feidelberg and roasts him. She tears us all down, being the cis white males that we are. Yeah, she just told me that was really forgettable.

Yeah, that was actually the meat. I considered saying we should cut that. At one point, Whitney's like, I don't even remember you from the last time we did an interview. Are you even a human? Like, do you even exist? I did send you a picture of the picture of you guys. You look completely like a different person. Which is also a mean thing to say right now. But did send you a picture of the picture of you guys. You look completely like a different person. Which is also a mean thing to say right now.

But whatever, you know. We can't all be Skylar, right? Hey, Whitney Cummings on KFC Radio. Let's talk to her. Tweet her that we're going to stay at her house. Tweet her it's coming. Tweet her it. Hold on.

Why won't it let me unmute? Okay, here we go. Sorry. Hi. Stop. Hi. Sorry. Finally, we did it. We did it. sorry hi sorry finally we did it

we did it it's like Barack Obama and Beyonce are trying to get on a call who's who? are you Barack Obama or are you Beyonce? great question I'm Ivy, Blue Ivy

oh see I was gonna say I'm Malia because it's fucking YouTube. I haven't changed since we decided, since our stuff got pushed back. I've just been in the same clothes sitting here. I barely move. I've been a week. I mean, look, why is your lighting, why are you

telling a ghost story? You're on a famous podcast. Why haven't you gotten your shit together with your lighting? You look like a pedophile, dude. You need to get a light in there. You can't have a porn mustache and wear an

orange hoodie and have random sports flags behind you. This looks like that's my hometown. How about this? If you want me to change the pedophile thing too? Yeah, nothing's creepy about an adult still being really into his hometown.

It's just the way the wild things are. His childhood books. I know what that is. You know what that flag is? Behind you, that's a red flag. It might as well just be a red flag. My sister got it for me for christmas it was a very nice gift okay this is literally how psychopaths have trained themselves like just bring up your sister bring up your mom like bring up your hometown like be wholesome like i

understand everything you're saying is making it worse i have a sister and this is something that i this is something that i've wanted to never say. I fucking don't like that at all. I just put it up. But my sister got it for me, so I hung it up. And guess what? Now it's coming down. I don't even like my sister, which is why I need to murder all the women that look like her and remind me of her.

I feel like you're just having a meltdown. Well, this is a tough week. John admitted that he has cellulite on his ass, and he realized – He's been running around his whole life saying, I don't have to wash my face, and my face isn't greasy even though I don't wash it, and then he realized his face is greasy. So it's been a tough week all around for John. Well, here's what I'll say. As someone that infamously has a greasy shit face it is good for you as a woman if you have a greasy face everybody

thinks that you've got like a facelift or something they think i like dug up joan rivers and put her dead skin on my face or something but you but guys having a greasy face it isn't a good look it can get real um uh murder suicide real fast well this this is because i i haven't washed my face i'm like you know like seinfeld like seinfeld's like i haven't puked since 83 or whatever i haven't washed my face since like 2005 maybe and why not i don't get that though why not i told you and this reasoning makes sense it's because your shampoo let me tell you does your shampoo trickle down from your head i knew it air either i don't wash my hair either i like not wash your legs here i've washed my legs no i don't wash my legs gravity how gravity takes care okay that's wrong that's not true either kevin

this white people have lost their minds dude who do you think you are ashton kutcher and mila kunis ashton kutcher doesn't have to take a shower because he looks like that but you do you have to no you're very handsome i'm just saying you there's not it's you can't have a mustache okay first just real quick. John, you can't have a mustache and smell bad. You've got to pick one. But that's the thing. I don't smell bad. He actually doesn't.

You can smell yourself. That's not up to you. He doesn't smell. You can't smell yourself. He's a weird freak. I'm not condoning it. The whole thing started because I stopped washing my face because when I was like 15, I went to boarding school. And this British kid.

That's where you got molested. Okay, just come out with it. We know. We know. Everyone gets molested in boarding school. We know. A lot of people. Can I tell you something?

I was molested. I still find time to take showers every day. Okay? There's no excuse. You're an adult. You're on a famous, hip podcast. Pull it. Or at least get some of that axe body

spray or some shit like that's just the spray manscaped something i don't know like there's yourself i don't care like but i i just you have to are you circumcised this is a circumcised yeah i am circumcised so it's a circumcised guy after dating a couple guys that are not circumcised you really have to clean into the folds of the nightmare so I find that uncircumcised dicks

at first you're kind of like I don't know about this do I need a stapler I don't know what to do with this I just figured out how to give handjobs to circumcised d like what is this like outer like little turtleneck that your dick's wearing and but they have to like really wash in it so i find that uncircumcised guys tend to have better hygiene more clean interesting that makes more i get that but uncircumcised guys are disgusting too i had a friend at this same boarding school who, when he would jerk,

he was the only kid I ever knew who was uncircumcised and he would jerk off. And when he was about to come, he would just pinch it off. You are so molested, dude. No, he is.

Are you? Don't worry. We've talked about this. He's been, he's been molested or violated, assaulted like four times, like straight up. We know this. It's amazing to me when violated, assaulted like four times. Like straight up.

We know this. It's amazing to me when guys cash or like every guy that I hung out with when I was a kid was circumcised. Like, how do you know? Like what? They're like getting this kid. Hockey players. Oh, when you're in the locker room. And hockey players are the gayest guys in the world. When you guys, they're ice skaters.

They're not hockey players. They're ice skaters. They're hockey players they're ice skaters they're figure skaters that hold a stick you know i'm saying at the end of the day you're still gliding across the ice okay traumatizing moments in my life was like we were at this this skate rink the rink one day the skate rink the movie theater uh one day and we all thought we were cool all the hockey players and this figure skater, very flamboyant, we're like 12 years old, it was like, before kids were coming out, this kid was out.

And he's like, oh, do you guys think you're tough? And we were like, we weren't acting tough, we were like, yeah, we're tough. And he goes, well, can any of you do this? And he just jumped up and spanned like four times, and we were all like, holy shit, that was amazing, dude! No, we can't do that that was cool

you guys tough you think you're tough try taking a dick in your ass that's tough you think you know tough I just think I mean I don't know maybe I'm overthinking or maybe I'm like a toxic like woman that is like insecure about her appearance but I do think I mean like you're on Barstool Sports is a famous podcast.

Like we need to get you a lighting setup that doesn't make you. I don't use this. This is actually just a room. This is like my trash room. I don't even do anything in here. The only thing I do is I do a podcast. You're not making it better. You're not making it better.

Is this your computer? Garbage room. Yeah. Yeah, it definitely is. Listen to this we just had uh bobby lee on this week and uh bobby and john both admitted they they have a problem with not shaking off enough when they pee and bobby lee said that it's it's gotten to the point where the tip of his dick is starting to smell bad. Well, okay, let's stop pretending that Bobby Lee's head can reach his dick, number one.

Also, the tip of his dick- The smell reaches his head. Yeah, that's even worse. If Bobby Lee's dick can get all the way up to his nose, like the smell like that, that's traveling quite a long distance. Yeah, let's just be clear. The tip of Bobby Lee's dick is also the base of Bobby Lee's dick. So I think

it's more because it rubs against his fucking belly so much. That's interesting. I was going to ask you about this. Look, do you guys never take toilet paper and just dab? No? You just shake it?

I leave the fucking toilet. I leave the urinal with one in the chamber. And I always accidentally shoot it off. What does that mean? Wait, wait, wait. My penis is still full of piss when I walk away from the toilet. Can urine get stuck

in your dick between your bladder and the toilet? Can it get stuck? I think so. It's a good time you brought this up. This is also something we've talked about this week. John was convinced that sometimes when your dick is hard, it's because it's filled with piss. Well, not sometimes. Only in the morning. When you wake up in the

morning, your dick is hard because it's filled with pee. That's something else we discussed this week. No, you just are aroused by pee dude you're just have you ever peed on a girl i never have no god are you kidding me i one time i one time had a guy pee on me well it wasn't really really my it was like it was like uh we were in asia you know uh and when in asia i just really wanted to like you know like really embrace the culture i don't know but it was not in america just to be clear i could not do it in the the on the continent my dad's buried in but we're in asia and um basically we were in the shower and so i was like this is a great time to do it because i'm in the shower i'll get down on my knees it'll just pee and then it'll just wash right you did it like you you were like you took

it like it here's the thing well here's the thing. You guys pee on us in the shower anyway. So... I was gonna say, I've jokingly done that, like, on your leg a little bit. I've never done it sexually. Yeah, always. I'm like, there's no way our water's that hot. We don't have that good of a water company. Like, my leg, that's pee, dude. And so I was like, okay, like, let's do it. Had a couple drinks, and, like, I get

down on my knees for him to pee in my face, right? And he's doing it, and, like, number one if you're gonna pee on a girl like you better aim it cause then he did it I'm like trying to find the pee with my I'm trying to get it on my

face I'm like getting peed on is one thing but actively trying to get the pee to hit you because he can't like aim well is too embarrassing like that's we got a fire hose is this thing like going on we were both like a little drunk and it was it's actually like i was down on my knees and like squatted down it was he was just hitting me like that's the thing is that when you guys like come on girls faces and pee on girls like

it's to me it's only weird when you miss and then i have to bob and weave to catch it and now i just look like a cum whore like was he was he hard when he peed of course that's a really good question can you be yeah because you guys are hard in the morning when you wake up and you have to pee it just makes it harder to pee oh it's a fiasco but usually that's because you're you're still trying to hit a toilet so you got to either bend it down or change your body position but if you're in the shower and you're just trying to pee on someone you could just let it rip but then it might hold on up and over thing are you about to make a story about me being uh completely humiliated and denigrated even more embarrassing like that he didn't have a boner

how did you just earned on yeah how do you make this story worse for me i'm on my knees in a shower naked like i want to pee like if he didn't have a boner how ugly how horrible is my personality i don't know how that does it doesn't make it. I got beat up by a soft dick. You just made an embarrassing story like heartbreaking. Like your listeners. In Asia by a soft dick. Wow. That might be rock bottom Cummings.

Holy shit. You could have imagined an Asian girl. Like you could have just pictured the waitress. We just had a dinner. Like nothing. That's really honestly i have to like work through that but i i don't know maybe that's why he was missing whatever the fuck it is and so he's doing it and i'm like looking at him in the eyes because i just like learned

like i feel like i was um sasha gray had been getting like movies like she was like starting like she had a tv show she was in a Steven Soderbergh movie and I remember who's this bitch like taking jobs like who's this and I remember watching some of her porn and a lot of her thing was she would look the guy in the eye while she was blowing them and I was like I never even knew that

was like a thing I was like you just close your eyes and just stay focused I have a lot to manage I have a lot going on and when stay focused. I have a lot to manage. I have a lot going on. And when that's happening, I have big teeth. So I really got to stay focused. And I was like, oh, I'm going to do like that's why people love Sasha Grace so much. She like makes eye contact, you know, and then there's like tears coming down and shit.

So I was like, I'm going to do that. And so I'm looking up at him, like making eye contact while he's peeing on me. And I like could not not laugh. Like, I was just like, there's something about pee coming out of a dick. Like, I was trying so hard to be sexy. And I was just like, like, I was like, it was really bad. So I had to turn, like, trying not to laugh into just like, it's so good. Like, this is so amazing have you ever just

like during sex something like you're trying so hard to do something gross and sexy that you just kind of like crack up laughing that's the best though that's i think that's when sex is the best when you when you both just like basically break character you like break the fourth wall and yeah yeah yeah just laugh about that i was gonna try to spin this around and put this here and like that's that's the best you're just like ridiculous like it was just i was trying what about like the it's like one of the only things i've ever done so he's peeing and that can take a like a little while right so and you have stage fright yeah all you guys want to pee on girls when you do it it's a little bit like you know when you're peeing in front of someone and it's like not happening it's not easy to do yeah we initiate this or did he because i feel like this

is a this is a dangerous one for the guy to initiate yeah like yeah well this was actually one of my favorite relationships it was very toxic in a lot of ways, but he was older. And I think when you're younger and you're dating an older guy, there's this insecurity that they've done everything and you're never going to be their first anything. So to me, I was like, okay, the only way I can compete is to just be so over the top. Like, how are we going to do things he's never done so that I feel special? That's a really toxic, insecure thought. I know, but bad relationships make you do stuff like that. So I'm like hanging from hooks and I'm like, you know, I'm coming out like wrapped in duct tape. I'm in like a chicken. I mean, I had nipple clamps that had like feathers. It was, it will,

it was like appropriation. Like it was like, I mean, like a native american headdress i'm like if those photos come out i am getting canceled um thank god i didn't do blackface thought about it but um yeah there was like a butt plug with like a raccoon tail on it i'm like i'm jumping around like you know i mean like one of the seven dwarves. Like, I don't know what's happening. And so, um, one time though, I remember there's nothing funnier to me than a sparse. If you use it sparsely, I'm obsessed with insults. We overuse insults a lot, right? Asshole, bitch, idiot. Like, but when's the last time you just called someone like a nerd? Like if you don't, if you don't do it a lot, it really has an impact. And I will say one of my favorite insults for a woman is to call her a pig.

But I don't do it a lot. You can't do it a lot. It's like instead of Karen, if someone's just like, what a pig. Like a woman calling another woman a pig to me is worse than cunt worse than bitch anything but you can't overuse it so i was with him one time and um there was this woman that was like we were at a pharmacy and she was like excuse me where's my thing i've been waiting 20 like everyone's way like i hate that shit and i'm the person that goes like ma'am everyone's waiting stop yelling at this person that's making 20 like10 an hour and wait like everyone else. Entitled shit like that really annoys me.

And so there was a woman just yelling at someone that worked there. It's not their job. It's like when people yell at women or people, flight attendants, the ones that work at the counter. They don't know why the plane's late. They're getting paid nothing. Like pick on someone your own size. So I was like and I was like, God, she's a fucking pig. And he like died laughing.

And I was like, you know, it'd be really funny during sex. Don't tell me when. But at one point during sex, call me a pig and let's see, like, take it pig. And let's see if we can keep a straight face like don't tell me when two and a half months later okay wow i've like got i don't know what i'm doing i i i was definitely on my back so maybe my legs were like behind me or so i don't know and he was like, take it, you fucking pig. And we laughed for like 45 minutes. That's where we get to the bit. Two and a half months later is like, like I would have made it to like maybe Sunday of that week.

I got to drop it. I got to do that later, I'd forget. But it was, like, it was literally the day after I gave up on him ever doing or like forgot about it, he did it. And it was so funny. He put, like, a Google alert on his calendar or something. Like, oh, yep. Two and a half months later. And then after that, sex-wise, we'd always just, like, like, it was just, I'd suck his dick.

Like, it was so funny. You know, the thing with pig, though, is we, one of my friends at Barstool is a gay guy, and the gay community uses pig all the time. And what, during sex, or sexually? Oh, yeah, but he's fucking me. The,

the, uh, A gay guy would not have sex with a man that washes his face this infrequently. It's not infrequently, Whitney. I haven't done it since 2005. He wanted you to suck his dick and he was just like, can you turn around? I can't look at your clogged pores.

I'd rather put it in your asshole than your face. That's how gross your face is. Every single time Pat sees anybody, he's like every single time pat sees anybody he's like oh he's such a little fucking pig yeah i would have pissed on your face just to clean it the urine's sterile it'll it'll clean some of that shit up by the way speaking of that still the urine i wouldn't miss a face with urine urine i'm pretty accurate with Cum. It's like handing someone who's never shot a gun a shotgun. I'm like, I don't know where that comes from.

Right. Cum is, you know, cum is coming out at, like, 35 miles an hour. You don't know where it's going. But yeah, you really, you can, like, the worst is when a guy tries to cum on your face, and it's, you can see that it's, like, going to the top of your forehead, so you have to, like, scoot up. But that, but when you get it, you know, like,

I'm, you don't know sometimes it's gonna like come out like a leaky faucet and sometimes it's gonna be a fire hose you don't know is that based on is that because i think women have this idea i don't know if it's true or not that it's kind of based on how much cum you have like if you've jerked off earlier in the day versus that's true yes because that's the thing but if you so jerked off earlier in the day versus if you haven't. Yes. Because that's the thing. So if a girl says come on my face or come on my tits, a lot of times we're just trying to ascertain if you're cheating or if you're jerking off without us. Because I want to see if it's like a big fast load. And I'm like, okay, he's not cheating or he's not like jerking off to some rando.

Well, you're allowed to jerk off, Whitney. Yes, you are. Yes, you are! Yes, you are! But, if you're kind of, like, trying to figure out, like, is he cheating? Is he being sketchy? Also, my thing is, like, you can jerk off to whoever you want. You can watch whatever porn you want. I'll watch porn with guys.

Like, I'm into that. Like, I just... I don't want you not having sex with me because you're jerking off. You know what I'm saying? No, that makes sense. You can't... you know what i'm saying no that you can't you can't you know like that's the one thing i'm like i'm out of town i get it what as someone who's definitely done that i get it yeah we're so like i'm already done i already had a good time with myself you're good and that's a big red flag you want to fuck me in the shower what do

you think i was doing in the shower yeah that's awful don't you know what i think that sometimes you get your wires crossed because i think a lot of times people will be like oh he's fresh out of the shower he's clean he's already naked let's fuck and it's like i finished 30 seconds ago no shock this is happening that's hilarious because i think a lot of women do that because uh we get utis And your guys is... Yeah. Yeah, and you guys all have Bobby Lee dick with urine and all kinds of shit on them. Because also, people don't understand, like, I do ask guys if, like,

hey, can you just wash your hands? Before we have sex, you got to wash your hands because, like, I'm not... Who knows what's under your fingernails? If that's your face, imagine what's under your fingernails. You petri dish's your face imagine what's under your fingernails you petri dish you are the covid variant you're the next variant dude and so i i do say i'm just like look because if i get a uti i'm not gonna want to have sex with you again it's gonna you know so it's like guys don't your hands touch your dick all the time i don't think

your dick's dirty i think your hands are dirty and that you've pissed a couple times a day and touched your dick. That's why we always make the argument when people are like, oh, you didn't wash your hands after you peed. It's like, we really should wash it before we pee because that's when it's dirty. Yeah, totally. That's so true. That's so true. Well, now that I know that you guys are like shaking it around, I feel like maybe before and after.

I don't know. I'm not like I was going to literally say I'm not anal about that. But if you do think it's really dirty, you just go like let's just do anal. Think about when you go, you know, if you bring someone home for a one night stand

right from the bar and you're sucking his dick. I mean, you know, you've been at the bar all night. You're dancing. You guys are all such pussies. I don't. I'll take a girl home. I'm not going to not do it, but it's gross.

No, you can have on leather pants and a diaper. I'll still eat your butt that night. I don't fucking care. Are you a big ass eater? Yeah. Yeah. So you don't wash your face and you eat ass? Look, I let water run down my face. I'm not an animal. I don't wash your face and you eat ass? I let water run down my face.

I'm not an animal. I don't keep that dry. What does your mustache... Your mustache smells like the asshole of gold-digging New York whores? I said his mustache looks like... Because he does this thing where he licks the mustache and it looks like he's does this thing where he licks the mustache and it

looks like he's eating out a 1970s vagina a redhead 70s vagina and he's eating it it's just look like you just it looks like you just fucking ate carrot tops ass it's not great but here's the thing i'm actually also but here's what i'll say i'm gonna be look I'm not 25. I'm not one of these girls that's like, I've got all these standards. Like, by the time you get older, you start going like, you know what? I've done all, every version of this. A guy that is, like, too hygienic and, like, obsessed with their appearance and like that.

That's unattractive, too. A guy that has, like, the exfoliant and like you know i mean i dated a guy this is probably more la thing who had like concealer for zits and like you know like shit that was like his his name might rhyme with menden's smob but here's the thing i i just you don't want the guy that's self-obsessed and like a malignant narcissist. That's gross too. You know, like, um, the bachelorette was on my podcast recently, a girl from the last season. Um, Katie Thurston's her name and you know, her, the bachelors, I guess those people they

meet and they get engaged after like knowing each other a month. So she's finding out all these things and I'm like, what's the weirdest thing you've found out since? And she went, I walked in on him showering and he was cleaning his asshole. He was squatting on the ground in a, like a pitcher position, cleaning his ass. Yeah. But think of, I saw that clip. It's like, if you want to get in your ass, you gotta, you know, get down there and fucking.

All you gotta do is you lean forward, you put your weight on your toes, and you spread the cheeks a bit. You pull your ass apart. Yeah. You gotta let the water run down. Why is soap not a- soapy water? Soapy- not just water? New York City water? Wait, so if you're not squatting down to wash your asshole like that, you're just kind of letting the soapy water run down your ass crack right you have to exfoliate it's dead skin that needs to get off you have to use them so how are

you washing your ass then what are you i'll tell you i'm about to change your life i get these korea a lot of bad things happen in korea but they've really nailed it on the exfoliating mitt front. So it's a glove. They're claiming fame. You know what I'm saying? I'm sure they use it to, like, kill children and stuff, but it's great for the skin. So you – most people in North Korea have to eat it as their only meal of the year, but I buy them in bulk to wash my asshole with. So it's a mitt that's an exfoliating mitt. I'll use a new one every week.

You throw them out after you've used them a couple times. It's a mitt. I do my entire body. I do my titties. I do my butt. I do the outside of my vagina, not the inside, but just like you got to exfoliate everything. You got a little claw going there. I put – I do that.

I put eye cream on my pussy. A lot of girls don't care for the skin around there. I even just like the simplest thing as I've gotten older, like the minute that girls discover like summer's Eve or any of those things that just keep it like fresh. It's How old are the women you're dating? Summer's Eve? No, they do. Okay. I don't get her. No, okay, douche is bad news.

No, not douche. But here's the thing. It's skin, like any other skin. You can use face wash. You can use exfoliant. I mean, I also did. There's a laser you can do that makes your pussy tighter. I did that.

Really? No, so we got offered a laser to get our dicks harder and we didn't do that because we were scared how did you that's not real there's no way that's real that's not that the technology's not there yet it did seem rather uh i was like how come we haven't heard about this yet and why are we getting offered it like the first people in the world what's going on like we need less erections erections have ruined our lives can you do on the right can you give me a laser that makes me not get hard when people were like uh you know um if you take propetia for your hair your dick might not get as hard i'm like double two birds one stone keep the hair

that's a good thing i need yeah everyone's like taking viagra i would have an erection for four hours that's not my problem i need to not get an erection around the interns where's the pill for that those people emailed us and were like are you interested in like a bigger harder dick and we're like kind of like yeah and then like the second email was like okay so we're gonna electrocute it and i was like all right i'm out oh, well, that didn't totally put me out. I had a phone call with the people. I had a phone call. They were like, oh yeah, I had the phone call. I took the phone call in Dave's office at the old office.

And I was, I was sitting like in Dave's chair being like, all right, so what are you going to do to my dick? You're like, we put it in a chamber. It's like a flashlight type chamber. And then we shock it with electrodes. And then every bone you get the rest of your life is viagra hard which i don't think i even want that like sometimes i like sometimes it's fun to be like look this thing's not even that hard but i'm gonna get i'm gonna be yeah there's a challenge there's a little bit of a challenge to it where it's like she doesn't know yet but this thing's only three quarters so i'm gonna try to get it in and we're gonna try to finish it it becomes like a competition yeah you gotta get the splint you gotta thumb it in thumb it in and then you're like now it's like uh it's like

remember those little um uh those little sponges when we were kids that were like a pill and you put it in water and it became like an animal, like an elephant or something? Yes. I don't really want... Here's my thing though. I don't want the dick size to change once it's in. Like, I'm like... I want to... You know what I'm saying? I want it expanding inside me.

I mean, I don't know. Maybe I do. No, you do. I mean, if it's like, if it's not the best boner and you're struggling to get it in.'s not the best boner and you know you're struggling to get it what makes your what what when is the optimal boner like does it have to do with what you've eaten uh how tired you are what you haven't tried like what's the best boner like haven't jerked off in a week haven't drank whiskey probably uh because she doesn't want kids I said morning boner full of pee morning boner is a boner bummer

I don't understand though I hate having sex if I have to pee I cannot do it it's so uncomfortable I don't like that either but your dick is gonna be super hard in the morning cause it's trying to keep that pee in your dick is real morning boners is a fucking business

it's morning wood it's a good tree trunk. So do you want to jerk it off or you just want to pee and be done with the pee? Oh, most of the time I want to just take a shower. Most of the time in the morning I just take a shower. Oh, take a shower. Most of the time I just want to take a shit.

I'm like, I don't want to fucking deal with this. So I just get in the shower and then I shower and just kind of work around an erection. I have a question. Now that you guys, you've been with many women, you're a little bit older now. Like, what is the hottest thing to you? Like, cause I think women,

we're at this place where we're like, we watch porn and we're like, I guess I need to, you know, like wear a Trump hat, you know, while he fucks me or whatever. You know, I guess I got to do it on a yoga ball. Everything's at the gym now. I don't like, like what is the now that you've had a lot of sex you know what's a problem right now so the the pre-roll ads on porn hub right now are i know

how many times have you had to come to a gillette razor by accident no no this one now though is like a video game girl creation yeah yeah the anime girls anime and no this is like this is like a it's like a it looks like the polar express remember that movie tom hanks where it was animated but it looked really real but it was kind of weird and it's like these these these cartoon video game girls that are fucking hotter than the porn I'm about to watch. I'm like, I don't want to click like you can start it now. I'm like, let the full 30 second ad run. Cause this, this weird video game girl is it's making sounds and noises and jiggling and ways that not even humans can do. So I might be all

of a sudden into video game, cartoon porn. I don't know. People. No, know people no no people love it i had miss pat on recently and she said that her she busted one of her nephews watching elsa get gangbanged like elsa was elsa was sucking like five cartoon dicks like i think that there's here's what i'll say i think there's i don't know if it's unhealthy or not but like the the next thing seems to be that young guys 13 12 now that like are going through puberty they're into anime porn and it's like i don't know maybe that's gonna end up being the thing that like solves all this stuff of like it's not a real woman or like in 20 years if you're dealing with like running for office then they're looking through your searches, like maybe you're off the hook. You know what I mean?

It would work. That's been around forever. It's just the cartoons are hotter now. Like when I was coming up, when I was coming up in the porn game, it was always fucking Marge Simpson and Lois Griffin. Yeah. And like nice enough women. Right. But I'm not trying to fucking jerk.

Yeah. Like Betty Flintstone. Yeah. Yeah. It was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. griffin yeah and like nice enough women right but i'm not trying to fucking jerk yeah like betty flintstone yeah yeah it was yeah yeah yeah it'd be funny it'd be marge being like homie suck my dick suck your dick he was always fucking flanders she was always fucking flanders that is so funny i mean lisa simpson i just don't know how old Lisa Simpson was, but she was cute. Well, I think I might have seen the Miss Pat clip because I remember watching Elsa suck dick. And the craziest thing, the sickest part, like, I don't know what this says about me. I love that your story is that you're more likely to watch my podcast than just have watched that porn on your own. You're like, yeah, I think I saw it in your clip. You don't watch my podcast than just have watched that porn on your own. You're like, yeah, I think I saw it in your clip. You don't watch my podcast. You're like,

I was just watching two women be funny and successful. And I happen to have to watch this horrible clip of Elsa getting gang banged. I just wanted to support female comedians. I was watching Elsa suck dick. And I was like, she's not doing that good of a job. Like whoever animated that made her give like mediocre head.

I was like, all the animators are dorks that never get their dicks sucked. None of them know what dick sucking looks like. They're the nerds, dude. Like you have no nerve. You could make this thing like come out the back of her head. It's animation. It's you can the back of her head. It's animation. It's the wildest imagination possible. And she's giving

like... Yeah, but they would get... Imagine getting fired from a porn animation job. They're like, hey, dude, once you made the dick come out of the back of her head, it's just too much. You know what I mean? It's a little sick. Imagine being the

sickest person at the porn animation company you're too sick to make animated bottom that's rock bottom i think what the world needs have you ever seen the show s world yeah that's what the world needs where you're it's like it's exactly like a human it's like sex dolls that are like completely real but they're not so i have one well yeah but even yours still look like a robot these i mean if like if it was have you seen me in person all right but it's not that dude it's not that my my like robot doesn't look like a human it's just that the human looks me as a human i look like a robot. So it's like, it's kind of the perfect person to have a robot because she's like way more human than I am. I think she's more empathy.

Where is Bearclaw? She just like collected dust somewhere now? No, no, no. How dare you? She got sawed in half for a movie. I've become a stage mom. She works more than I do, frankly. It is a really weird call when an agent is like, hey, we have this project for this movie. And I'm like, oh, my God, cool. And they're like, but it's for your robot? They don't want you. They want the you that doesn't have opinions and doesn't age and have a fucking attitude problem. So she got sought and had for a horror movie. I'm not allowed to say who it's for but it's coming out soon uh i'm in a horror movie where um uh someone's having sex with me and i get

sawed in half while he's having sex with me and so from like under the bed so they were like how are we gonna do this and i was like you hired the one person that happens to have a body double you can actually saw in half and her tits were too her tits were too big like i have like you know i have fake boobs and they're like a like a wide c but hers were too big anyway so i needed a new body and um and then her face uh she was built like two years ago molded exactly on my face and she already fucking looks younger than me and it was pissing me off so we instead because there is a guy in japan there's one other person that has a robot that looks like them it's this guy in japan shocker sorry um and sorry bobby and he gets plastic surgery to stay young to look like his robot oh that's now we're getting toxic dark dude dark i was like female comedians don't have

a reputation for not getting 50 weird facelifts at the mall so i'm gonna try to stay out of that people already think i like you know uh have a facelift so um uh i'm just aging her up to look more like me now uh and she's getting eyeballs at her cameras so that she can see people so she'll be able to recognize people you know what I mean so she'll say like if you meet her when you come out to LA Kevin she'll be like Kevin what do you want to order for dinner and you'll say Chinese

food and she'll order Chinese food and then two months you'll come back and she'll go oh hey Kevin what do you want for dinner we're getting you know what you are flirting with a dangerous line yeah when the robot apocalypse is here we're blaming whitney fucking comics but you know why that part is the fucking squid game and then red light green light with bear claws she's gonna fucking shoot you today

here's the thing like i i am talked about this with roan a lot, so I don't want to repeat myself too much. But look, only guys are afraid of robots. And I don't mean that. I'm not trying to do like men and women are different, even though those jokes did pay for my house. But you know, there's a biological basis for it, right? robot they're like like they freak out and when women see it they're like oh that's weird like so there's something called i learned this because i had a robot built and i was like studying why people are so freaked out by them and it's called pathogen avoidance so it's like we avoid or you guys are scared of robots right let me tell you what i'm terrified i'm weirded out by i'm not one of those people that every time boston dynamic out a video, it's like, what are we doing? I'm right on the verge of like, guys, guys, guys, guys! I don't want to fuck them. I'm half afraid of them.

That's where I am. Here's what I'll say. Well, that's it. So, Kevin, I can tell you a lot about your ancestors. It's called pathogen avoidance. So we evolved. It's called the uncanny valley as well. We evolved to if something looks human or to move like a human or it's called the uncanny valley dolls scarecrows you know stuff like that um uh if something looks human but also

could be sick or dead it's basically the way we evolved to not fuck corpses because that's how a lot of people got sick they would fuck something dead and so the ones that evolved to be terrified of that survived so this just means a lot of your grandparents fucked corpses i could understand huh is that me or kevin who had the apparently no john you're kind of good it seems like you don't really care. I don't know. I'd have to see you ride a robot because basically it's called pathogen avoidance. I could understand being like if something looks dead

let's steer clear of it. Like were people really fucking dead? I could understand catching something from a dead body. Or fucking something that's sick. Something that's sick. Something that doesn't move properly. Something that, you know know is having a seizure or is sick or has well i don't want to fuck your robot when it's sick i just want to

fuck your robot when it's not talking and it's not bothering me and it's not gonna out me on the internet or something like that now she could apparently that's what human women do you should be afraid of human women like it's amazing's amazing. That's why I want to fuck them. That's why I want to fuck your robot, because I don't think she'll out me on the internet. But now it sounds like she's learning how to do that. No, let's be honest. Does she? I mean, look, it just it depends.

You guys have got to stop. Just don't flirt with women, I guess, that speak English or on Twitter. You guys got it. This is my argument for dating older. You guys want to date young women? Date that 45 year old bitch that doesn't have a Twitter password.

They can't remember her Facebook password. You guys just got to start dating older women that don't know how to use technology. Yes, that's a fact. All your aunts

that are like, how do I do a FaceTime? Marry that bitch. She's not emailing anyone. Honestly, I thought you were going to say we're scared of robots because we think like okay those are she looks like one of those things we've mistreated for centuries

but she can also kick our ass so that's gonna fucking suck they walk like the zombies at the beginning of the thriller video they can't even walk yet how out of shape are you guys you're afraid a robot that can barely move is going to kill you? So you're not watching the Boston Dynamics videos intently? The only person that you can worry is Bobby Lee because he can't run out any – outrun any of these things. Listen, not all of us are fucking rock climbers like your fucking, you know, shredded from fucking stone boyfriend, all right? Some of us are skinny, fatty, and ice lunch and dinner okay it is kind of amazing though because everyone's so impressed by him being like he just like climbs up walls you know it's like yeah that's ridiculous like but it's so weird to be like and then you just come down like it doesn't go anywhere like it's just so funny it's like running on a treadmill

or something it's like you're gonna climb up a wall and then just be like it's just so it's so it looks so boring i don't make the bed in the morning because I argue there's not much point to it. How about climbing up a fucking wall or a mountain just to come back down? There's really everybody is so jealous. Here's the thing I'll say about rock climbers. They the way that they are good is they have calluses on their fingers and they have to put at night this. It's basically whiteout that dries their fingers and they have to put at night this uh it's basically white out that dries their fingers out they can never get their fingers wet which is why i'm convinced he's dating an older

woman and they don't finger you at all because they and when they're in the swimming pool they hold their hands up like they can never get their fingers wet well what really oh wait he he's got to have the dirtiest hands in the world then. Well, no, he's also a veterinarian. I don't know. He wears gloves. And then, yeah, kind of. They put powder on it. We've been getting fucking lectured for an hour about washing ourselves. And now I find out that your boyfriend can't even watch his own fucking hands. Hands haven't been washed since I washed my face. It's like, I mean, they're callous. Look, I'm not saying I'm right. I'm on your show.

I obviously am a scumbag too. A hypocritical asshole scumbag that makes my money criticizing people even though I live a shitty life. Like that's what we do here. That's the way of the world. That's what we do. We get paid to be hypocrites

and criticize people even though we are absolute monsters a thousand percent in the scum of the earth i love i love that we managed to find careers where we're scumbags who are morally superior oh it's the best it's the best people like who are you to be talking about this that the other thing i'm like i'm the guy who got this job. I don't know. That's just the way. I'm the one with the microphone because I was the asshole that at least made it funny. So, you know what I'm saying? I don't know.

You tell me. What's going on with you that I'm fucking rich and you're not? I don't know if you remember, Whitney, a few months ago, I texted you. My dad listened to an episode the first time you were on our show and then went and listened to all your stuff and like absolutely loves you and um but the funniest part about it was when he told me it it was like he discovered fire he was like did you know that they can be funny too did you there's a woman who who can make me? It's amazing. It's crazy. It was so nice.

That's actually hilarious because it's like, who can be funny? She's not funny, but she can be. She could be. She accidentally, every now and then, says something that's funny. That's so weird because I feel like last time I did y'all's show in New York, when my last special came out, I was like bombed it. I was wearing a sports bra. i just was like out of it you had just had a porn star on well that's pretty regular i know but i'm just saying you

guys kept bringing her up and i was like like i can't compete i'm wearing a shirt from American Eagle Outfitters. Like I wasn't prepared for this. And so what happened was, was he listen to my podcast? I'm never funny on my podcast. I think he, he, he's not like technologically, you know, he's,

he's, I think he just discovered like how to listen to my show recently and has been going through like the whole, the whole fucking catalog. And then I can't even believe that he like heard you on my show and then knew how to find your shit. I was like, wow, that's, that's how, that's why we do this dad. And it actually works. Like you got a new fan. Oh my God.

That's so sweet. Yeah. He was, I need more dad. I need more dads. I need big daddy energy. That's, that's what we're going for. The, the, I mean, look mean look i'm i don't know i i feel like i finally am in a place where i i can i'm like into older men but it's like creepy now

you're not allowed to date older men because it's like it's right automatically raped no matter what like even if i'm in my 30s and i date a guy who's 60 i'm still getting abused like you're getting groomed no matter what yeah I can't even consent. It's like women are equal, but they can't make any of their own decisions. And they're always being abused in relationships. It's like, which is it?

Like, are we women are smart and they're equal, but they're all so dumb that if they're in any relationship with a man who has any power, they're being brainwashed and groomed. It's like, which is it? I think this is why though,

the reason my dad liked a lot of it was he was saying he was his main takeaway was like i didn't know that they know all those things about us like because you know how guys are and you know kind of like like my the things that my dad still thinks are like male secrets you're like yeah we know that you just jerked off in the shower or whatever the fuck it is you know what i mean so i do that i bet you would have a good uh a good amount of fans who are like daddies the 60 year old guys who like you you're the type of female comedian i think they would laugh at because it's not all about that shit all the time you know yeah and it's not you know look i mean that thank you i am i mean i get a lot of shit from like women, you know, sometimes just be like being like, you know, because I guess like things have gotten so out of control in terms of like the left woke shit.

I'm basically like a conservative now. Like if you say men and women are different, you're like QAnon. Right. Which is like, honestly, you're right. Not only that, that's like all of your specials and you're like, you said you built your house on it. But that's what has people have been laughing about, like, since the beginning of fucking time. And it's like, you can't even we hear it all the time here because our CEO and our CFO, all of our C-suite are all females. All of our like big shows now are females.

But then it instantly becomes token and you're doing that on purpose. It's like, well, I don't know. We can't fucking fine by the way fine then them back to the kitchen then i you know blame the listeners then blame that don't blame the person that makes it blame the people that buy it right i'm saying like that's the other thing it's just like you're just mad at me for being a good business person like forgiving people what they want to listen to like that is so obnox. That was my big takeaway from trying to schedule this interview because we were joking about at the beginning, but Whitney and us, we, we,

we both canceled on each other like four times. It's just like eight times in the making. And at one point, uh, you just sent over a screenshot of your, your like scheduled day. And I was, I didn't mean it to, I didn't mean it to go like, look at my day. I was like, pick a time that is available well it looked like i was like oh my god what this woman has no time in the day and then you start to look at it and it's like drop my dog off here phone call there it's like are these johnny wax your pussy because do they even these even need to be in the calendar what What's going on here?

You had Neil Brennan's birthday in there. The Neil Brennan's birthday. The whole day. Yeah, all clear my schedule. It's Neil's birthday. Dude, I, look, I, it is very, birthdays are important to me. Neil Brennan's important to me. Do you want to be the person that didn't text him happy birthday on his birthday?

Have you read Neil? Not Neil. Let me tell you what. I just saw his, the one man show he's doing, Unacceptable. And that seems like a gentleman who would get very upset if you don't text him on his birthday. If you know Neil, you know't text him on his birthday. If you know Neil, you know to text him on his birthday. The show was amazing, right? It was great.

Yeah, it was very great. I saw it at Cherry Lane Theater. It was really good. He's so smart and so brilliant. But yeah, I mean, look, I, whatever. If I say this, everyone's going to think I'm an asshole. But someone else does my calendar. And what day was that?

Now I'm pissed. What day was that? When did we? Someone doesn't know Neil's birthday. Oh, yeah. When's Neil's birthday? Yeah, because you see why I have to put in the calendar. You put me on a text with what you described as your chief of staff, which I sincerely hope is a fucking joke. Whitney Cummings.

You're not. Here's the thing. You're not allowed to say secretary anymore. Okay. You're not allowed to say assistant. Assistant. A little pejorative. Right.

You can't say made. You can, but it's, what's weird is. So a lot of people are saying chief of staff now. And I'm like, or concubine. But what's weird is a lot of people are saying chief of staff now. I feel like chief is a little bit like Indian. I was going to say. I thought you were saying you kind of earned the title.

You haven't really earned chief yet. Chief is big time. Chief is top notch. Yeah, but chief though is like, aren't they time. Chief's top notch. Chief, though, is like, aren't they canceling the Kansas City Chiefs and the Florida Seminoles and the Redskins? You can't say that anymore?

Chief, I feel like that's coming. The Chief, is that straight? Yeah, I guess that is Native American. Yeah. If it's not like 100%, it's like 99%. Maybe they got that from someone else. No, I don't think they were stealing from anyone.

They were like, no, this was our thing. It was all our shit. I got in trouble for saying master bedroom. And people were like, oh, that means the slave master. And then I was like, oh, my God, I never thought of that. And then I looked into it it and I guess that's not what it's based on but who knows anymore like I mean yeah but a word like that

it's just like nope can't say that anymore it's got even if it's not from that it's you're gonna be thinking it that's retarded yeah okay Kevin okay okay yes okay Neil Brandon birthday Daisy drop off that's my dog I didn't

drop her off but yes okay barstool interview at 10 weekly call about my tour a general with Peacock yeah that's embarrassing um Wendy Williams show and then a call with an agent yeah that's a pretty obnoxious that's obnoxious I'm the worst. I hate myself. You did just wrap up with Wendy, though? I love Wendy. Yeah, I was just talking with Wendy's team. I'm guest hosting Wendy Williams all next week in New York. Oh, really?

I mean, we could have just done this interview then, you asshole. Yeah, I'm shooting five shows in two days. It's going to be a nightmare. I guess that makes sense. Would I have to come to your apartment? I don't want to see either of you in person after I just learned about your hygiene. We're Zooming forever.

Here's the deal. Next time, when we're in person, I will, I promise you, I will wash my face beforehand, and I guarantee you I have pimples for it. I don't trust you the way you wash. I don't think you do. I've spent, honestly, all last night since that episode came out, I spent most of the day laying on the couch watching the new Taylor Kitsch

Netflix show and Googling. Wait, hold on. Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. The Taylor Kitsch Netflix show? Yeah, it's called The Defeated. It takes place in Berlin.

He's a Brooklyn cop. Wait, the guy from Friday Night Lights? Mm-hmm. Tim Riggins. Is he so famous that he's like, it's the... This guy! Yeah, Dylan Panthers. Do you love...

It's the Tim Riggins shirt. I happen to be wearing one. I watch Taylor Kitsch. Don't take that shirt off. Put the hoodie back on. Thanks. What is the... Do you love the guy from Friday Night Lights? You love him? Yeah, I love Taylor Kitsch. Who doesn't? I know, but I've never heard someone say it.

I've heard that guy from Friday Night Lights. I've never heard someone say it as if he was like... John? I think John was the first person in the world who ever actually knew his name. Because he's Tim Riggins to everyone else in the world. But he was the one... By the way, it didn't... It didn't roll off the tongue, though, i feel like i stumbled through it yeah yeah yeah

with taylor swift his other obsession which i'll be honest you know can we do this i hold on who's your number one favorite actor and number one favorite like hot girl crush right now see i i could do the actors all day better than the girl i love it when guys talk about hot guys it's my favorite you've come to the right place i'm obsessed when like because i've dated a lot of um patriots fans when tom brady was there i'm like it's just so handsome like i love it's like not gay if they're playing a sport you know like i love all the movie stars i'll do everything but yeah tom Tom Brady's top of the list. You know who's my top female?

She's always been forever, and even more so now is Kate Beckinsale. And then I just find out this week that her IQ is 152. I think you're too old for her by like 25 years. I know, but isn't that crazy? So that, when I found out that she's like a Mensa genius, and I'm like, then it's even crazier that she was fucking like 21-year-olds. Because then, because like they're extra stupid.

So she must have been like, just fuck me, you idiot. Smart, so why is it that smart men that date dumb, hot women were like, yeah, that makes sense. Because we're vain and we're vapid and we just want to fuck you. You know what I mean?

You would assume that Kate Beckinsale wants to have a conversation and be stimulated and talk and she's going to fuck a 21-year-old rapper or comedian. I guess she's supposed to get fucked. That makes sense to me. I get that. I don't need to talk to my man. I don't think you do sense to me. I get that. I don't need to, like, talk to my man.

Like, I- Oh, yes, you do. You're a fucking liar. Okay, bitch. How about this? I have recently, in the last, like, two or three years, like, realized- I made a movie about neurology.

It was called The Female Brain. And the reason I'm bringing it up is just because I met with this female neuroscientist that the character was based on in the movie and the book was based on. And I said to her, I was like, what's the main thing that you could give me like advice wise as a neuroscientist that would help me with my relationships? And she just went, your boyfriend is not your girlfriend. You got about 20 minutes with a guy and you got 20 minutes to talk about your day. And that's it. Like the conversations

about like, are we going to go to Marcy's wedding? What should we wear for Marcy's wedding? Like, can you believe that Lindsay and Nick broke up? Like that's conversation for your girlfriends, not your boyfriend. Stop trying to make your boyfriend, your girlfriend. It's not fair to them. And he's not an asshole for not listening. He's not wired to listen to you talk about your cramps for 45 minutes. No, this doctor needs to be famous and everyone needs to listen to her. That would save like every relationship that's gone wrong. He's not a woman because you're not a lesbian. You want to date a guy.

If you want to date a straight guy, don't expect him to be a fucking lesbian, you know? You know, so it was like, it really helped me. So you're right. I am a liar because i definitely used to be like we need to like talk about string theory and like talk about you know like are we in the multiverse like are we sims like that's not for your guy so i this is a recent realization and also i have so many guy friends like comics and stuff and i have to do so many

fucking three- hour podcasts that I spent enough time talking to men. I'm lucky. I spent a lot of time talking to men about like masturbatory topics. And so, but yeah, but I think girls like you're not, you're never going to have a satisfying relationship if you expect your man to want to talk about like the sale at Bloomingdale's. So you think that Kate Beckinsale is so smart that she's ahead of the curve that she was like, all right, I'm going to stop looking for like a guy my age who can stimulate me. And I'm just going to go fuck like the hot rapper or whatever. And then I'll get my stimulation somewhere else. I think that like after you've been in a really long marriage and you get your emotional needs met through your girlfriends, like she seems like

she really kind of does that. Like she's got a lot of girlfriends. I think you're just kind of like, I just want to have fun and not have to think and be smart. Like I'm not going to impress you. I'm Kate Beckinsale. I'm not going to like talk to you about, you know, consciousness. Like I'm hot as shit.

It's boring. That stuff's only interesting to you when you're like in your early twenties and just discovered like that dank weed. Like as I get older, I'm like, I don't need to have long conversations. We, I mean, I do it all day on my podcast and maybe that's why I don't know. But those are like, that's why those are enjoyable. I feel like that's, what's going on with, uh, so much of like protests and fighting

on social media and arguing is that it's younger people. They just figured something out. That's right. That's right. I have to talk about it. And it's like, if you were 10 years older,'d be like i don't fucking care it's not gonna make that's really what it is like when you get older you're like can we just lay side by side and masturbate and watch burzerton like you're just like yes i've i don't need i don't i don't care

for sims i don't care like i just like you know i don't care if there's other multiverses I can hardly handle this one like I think the need to have deep conversations as you get older it's like you're kind of like oh like it's boring we've had that argument before with like I think it was Frankie and Frankie's younger where he's like you don't care like how this works

how this got here I'm like I couldn't care less how that got here it's just like it's just like it's like it's just like it gets and i think that as i get older and i'm you know and i'm not as hot as her obviously but like as you as i get older what you value is different you know it's like i'm just kind of like i just i'm really into someone that is great at a vocation or hobby or something that i know nothing about so that I feel like the dumb idiot. So like the idea that it's like, I'm going to date this rapper. Cause it's the one thing I'm

not, I don't know about. I can't like, that's hot because he's at the top of his field or like Pete Davidson is like so funny. And I don't want to have to think all day. You entertain me, you know? So that's why you are dating a guy who who specializes in rocks rocks tell me about these rock hard titties or was it really really big that's why he thinks i'm hot my my titties are basically like a rock wall well he's also he's also a critical care veterinarian like it's like i'm always i think smart truly smart people don't want to be the smartest person in the room. The truly smart people are like, this person's so much smarter than me. I want to hear all about things I don't know.

And also they want to be dumb. That's right. You want to be like, let's just do dumb shit. I don't fucking care. I'm smart enough. I don't need to prove this to anybody. Which is why I never thought Kate Beckinsale was a genius for no other reason other than the fact that i'm not oh i just never knew because she loves dick jokes like every time she's ever on like a

late night show or her twitter is always like here's a dick joke and i love that and i love the fact that she's also brilliant and just loves a good dick joke that is so that's a great point on the interview with with howard she said every doctor she's ever talked to has told her you would be infinitely happier if you were 30 less smart because dumb people we're not even dumb people but just not yeah overly ambitious overachievers ignorance is bliss they're just like yeah man i really like that movie and i like this cheeseburger and I'm happy. Like, well,

there's something, I think there's something just really refreshing and, uh, love, um, humane about like a very simple existence, you know, like animals so much.

Say it again. Is that why you love animals so much? You think they, no, I love, I just post about animals to seem like a good person. I'm just virtue signaling. Yeah. I just like, I've worked with a lot of sexual predators. I'm trying to cover my tracks. Um, but, um, no, the truth is I'm 39 and childless and I hate cats. So it's just a lot of dogs. Um, but, uh, uh, yeah, I think that

I, I, that's a really good point. And it's, I'm very surprised that you made a good point, John. But it is like the smartest people don't need to prove that they're smart. The dumbest people, and this is what Twitter is, dumb people trying to seem smart. And like that dumb people try to seem smart and smart people don't care because they know. It's like I don't even need to bother with this. I find that sometimes the smartest people are the quietest too like they're not for sure we were talking about that with john bernthal recently where he's like he's like yeah and like this isn't you know john didn't reveal it to us but you know the quiet guy is usually the guy you gotta watch out for as far

as like toughness goes and that's also that's exactly true my therapist used to be uh a correctional officer at a prison and the people that are like fuck you let me out you can't like those you don't have to worry about those people it's the quiet guy that's saying nothing usually the white quiet guy but it's the people that are the quietest are the ones that you always have to the people that are like yelling no problems um john berthal that's wild because he is like my only celebrity crush like only one he's awesome man he's so hot and so talented did you see me and earl in the dying girl i think it's that movie he was uh um dying girl so for you guys it's a porn but it was uh a movie about some girl

i i'm pretty sure it was yeah he that was the name of the movie. He played like a professor and he is unbelievable. He's ferocious. You know what? I'm going to tell him. Tell him I have a crush on him. I'm going to tell this story right now only because we have to remove it from his interview because his people aren't going to like it.

But this deserves to be out there and you'll love it because it's an animal thing. So he raises pitbull or he has a lot of pit bulls and he knows a lot about the pit bull culture. That's what I do. That's literally what. So ditch the fucking veterinarian and go get John Bernthal. Is he married?

Uh, yes. Married with kids. He's very happy. Yeah. She like, not afraid of commitment, but

marriage is end. Nothing to do with me. I'll be a rebound. That's ideal. There was a story where he was like doing an interview and in the middle of the interview at a dog park, two pit bulls were going at it. And he just runs from the interviewer, jumps into the dog park, and he goes, put your fingers in their ass. Put your fingers in their ass. Put your fingers in their asshole, yeah.

That's what calms them down. And on the interview, he was like uh we asked him like this sounds like something you've done pretty frequently he's like i've done it so many times i don't even know like 40 50 60 times i think that should be out there i don't know why you can't play that yes that is absolutely true i as someone that see my thumb uh i had my thumb uh ripped open just recently because i didn't do the finger in the asshole because it was just the fight was too crazy. So I just stuck my thumb in the people's mouth. My thumb was severed.

I had my ear bitten off. And then and then over the break, there's probably still scars there. I had. Yeah, I remember you were like in a hospital like every other week in covid like i stuck my leg into a pitbull's mouth during a fight so the the asshole is the way to go i know because i was like fostering a lot of dogs because it was like the pandemic and a lot of idiots were like i want to foster a dog and they take home a pitbull and they let their baby slap it in the face and it would just bite their kid's face off so all these

morons you know had no fucking clue what they were doing they were like trying to take a selfie with an abused pit bull and like got bitten in the face you idiot so um like uh i ended up taking a lot of those in like ones that had bitten people and had like issues and stuff so that's my thing yeah i you haven't seen the picture of my finger getting bitten off i'm sorry my ear yeah i mean you you were my ear from like every part of your body like every other no but my ear getting bitten off was like this was like a couple years ago i almost lost my ear because if your ear gets bitten off or you lose an ear you only have about four hours till the cartilage dies like you have to get it operated on like quickly it was it was off or just like like mangled yeah let me find you a picture

it was hanging off yeah and it was because you tried to fight you tried to break up a pit bull fight that this is actually wasn't that this was a pit bull that i was fostering who when they're taken from their moms too young they're not taught not to use their mouths it's just called mouthing because their mouth is their hands right so their their mothers who teaches them at an early age they'll nibble on their mother and their mother will like scream so that they learn that their teeth are sharp right and that's how they learn manners and uh this one was used for obviously fighting and stuff and um it was he was still mouthing and using his mouth as his hands and i was on the floor it's it's my fault that it happened like i hadn't established dominance i let him sleep in the bed with me

and i was sitting on the floor tying my shoes and he came up to me and um we were playing and then i pushed him away because when you're teaching a pitbull manners you any kind of play you always end it right you have to put an end to it you have to be the reason it stops so they know you're the alpha and so i pushed him away and then he just like came back and bit my ear very gently but it came clean off it was a nice picture yeah i mean i see a picture of you bandaged up from it but i don't see that oh yeah i'll have i'll have to send it to you it is not oh wait so here's it when it was sewn i'll send you this that's when it was so bad whoa yeah it's right down the middle holy i mean that's like you're a whole year.

That's crazy. My entire ear. Hold on. Let me find. Okay. So are you right? This is really gross. Whoa.

Fuck me. Like a claw, like a pincher or something. That shit is busted open. Wow. Yeah, dude, it was gnarly.

Let me send you this. Easy. If I'm found dead in the next year, you're the number one culprit after sending a text to me. You might want to delete this photo real fast. Yeah, it was like not a game, but more the reason John and I

should be together. Wow. What a bummer. No, I'm happy. There was something I was going to say i forgot i completely forgot now i don't know i lost that one it was it was long before we got the pipples eating whitney non-stop you've been bit by just too many pipples there's too many animals like simply too many animal attacks what was i think i think nate margatzi has a joke where he's talking about the guy who got bit by a rattlesnake nine times he's like it's talking about the guy who got bit by a rattlesnake nine times.

He's like, it's just too many times to get bit by a snake. It's really hard to get bit by a rattlesnake. If anyone's been bit by a rattlesnake, it's your fault. Their fault. Yeah. Get the fuck away from me. I'm rattling. I have to kill rattlesnakes all the time.

And basically, like you do. Coyotes and, and fucking rattlesnakes like every day. Yeah. Rattlesnakes. Well, I live like in Topanga Canyon. Like I live like out in the woods. Like next time you come to LA, you should stay with me. It's like, you know, there's rattlesnakes, there's coyotes, you'll love, and pitbulls, you'll love it. Um, and,. And, but I grew up- I'm gonna stay in a hotel in the city. How about that? Yeah, we should go stay. If that's a real invite, us coming out to your fucking fun house, Whitney land would be like, we're like, but we're like city idiot. Like- By the way, I just had- Ridiculous.

I just had Ricky Velez on. If you guys don't know Ricky, he's so brilliant. And Andrew Schultz always comes on the show. Like when New Yorkers, which I see is the toughest, most badass, like, you know, well-adapted street smart people come out here. They are like Gilbert grape, dude. It is so funny. Like they can't figure out how to park.

I dated a guy from New York, and he moved out here. We pulled up, because when you go into a parking garage, you have to get a ticket. He hit the ticket thing. He wouldn't open the window. He's like, is this a clap? What do I do? It's so funny to watch the most badass people be afraid

of snakes. You live in New York City. Sn're just like, what the fuck? You live in New York City. Snakes? Yeah. Snakes, spiders. You might as well live in Australia as far as I'm concerned. Who's not afraid of snakes? I know, but if you've been in the country you know that snakes aren't coming

after you. It's not a black mamba. We're not in Africa. Have you seen anaconda? Yes, they're coming after you. Oh, by the way, really quick. Oh, can I just say one thing and then I have to go because I'm sure there's someone I need to wish happy Africa. Have you seen Anaconda? Yes, they're coming after you. Oh, by the way, really quick. Oh, can I just say one thing? And then I have to go because I'm sure there's someone I need to wish happy birthday. And I'm really busy. A lot of birthdays today, guys. No, but I do rescue a lot of animals. I'm into it, whatever. And it's just, it's really rewarding. It's like, it's kept me out of a lot of bad human relationships. Like it's just, it's really rewarding. It's like, it's kept me out of a lot of bad human relationships. Like, it's just, you got to know, you got to have good addiction sometimes.

I'm really into healthy addictions. And I think addiction can, you can really use to benefit you if you just sublimate it into something positive instead of like sex or drugs or whatever the fuck. Not that I haven't done that too. But so animal rescue thing, it's just a good, whatever, it's a write-off. There's a lot of benefits to it and and someone asked me about um rescuing like a snake like it was a boa constrictor or something that had been used in music videos because that's that's really over like the days of using like live tigers and like it's like people now know that's super abusive so there's

all these animals that were used for music videos and commercials that like have nowhere to go. They're basically unemployed and they're very expensive to keep. So I'll get calls every couple of days. It's like, hey, do you want a tiger? I'm like, I'm good. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm a cougar.

That's, we're not, we're good. I don't think they get along. And so, so I got this call about a snake. And so I'm like, you know, that would be kind of sick. Like sick like i'm sure they're just like you get a big thing for it it just chills like it's old it's probably gonna die soon any it was like this the it was like the one from the britney spears toxic video yeah that one it's like white it's like white and green or something but it's been it's like a performer it's like it's a snake that's been in a bunch of commercials. I love that you call it unemployed. Dude, it is a deadbeat snake.

It is. And so I'm looking into it, right? And I'm like, I'm like watching all these videos. And then I talked to this snake specialist person. I'm like, what's the deal? Like, do I have to put live mice and shit in there? Like, I don't know if I want to be like buying mice from Petco and you know what I mean? And he was like, he told me this story about this woman. There's a video about this somewhere. Uh, uh, you just look up woman snake that or something. She had a pet snake and loved

the snake. You watch videos of them and they, you're like, Oh my God, like the snake loves her and they snuggle and they're hanging out and oh my god our snakes like like have feelings and we just didn't know this whole time like it really starts you start to anthropomorphize it you really start to be like oh the snake loves her and she's feeding it and like carrying it in a little bag on a plane all this kind of shit and it's a huge snake and it sleeps with her it sleeps in the bed with her okay but it like curls up next to her and they like sleep. It's adorable. And then she goes to the vet and she, all of a sudden it stops eating. Cause like, okay.

Snakes, if they stop eating, it's a problem. And she's like, you got to feed them live mice, not dead mice. And she's worried that she's like killing her snake by accident. Cause she's like not feeding it the right stuff. And it hasn't eaten for like four days. She brings it in and the vet is like, okay, so what these snakes do before they eat a big piece of prey is they starve themselves in order to make room for the prey they're going to eat. So it's not eating because it's preparing to swallow you. Oh my God.

Shit. Yeah. That's fucking. swallow you oh my god shit yeah you're you're her it's prey and this whole time it's just trying to figure out how to eat you for how long is that though months i mean she had it for months uh or maybe i don't know maybe i'm not sure i'll check but then it stopped eating and when they stop eating that means it's time to eat you so So what she was feeding it wasn't sufficient. It was like bored of the fucking, you know, Chipotle chicken or whatever she was giving it. And so it decided like, no, I'm going to eat you. And if one of those snakes is going to eat like a raccoon, it'll save, it won't eat to go, okay, I'm going to eat something this big, you know?

So it was not eating for four days to be like, okay, bitch, you've got like four days worth of stomach room. Oh my god. So she like saved her life, obviously. Never was around the snake again. I mean, yeah, I guess it would have had to boa constrict her or whatever and then choke her to death. See, that's the problem. I know you gotta go, but if you own these weird animals, even

if you have a connection, eventually they're gonna like rip your face off and eat you. It depends. Unless you've raised it from baby. But for the most part, yeah, any apex predator that like that's most of the shit I do, which is like and a lot of it I have to do behind the scenes. A big fucking thing is and this is literally the reason I don't live in New York. And I know this is going to sound crazy, but that horse carriage shit is so, so fucked up what they do. I have tried because it's it's's, I guess there's some kind of mafia involvement or something with a dark just hit me in the neck. Um, it's really hard

to shut down. So there, there have been horses. There was one that got loose in central park. It was 30 years old Archie. They weren't even using it anymore. And I off, I, it wasn't my money only, but, uh, a bunch of big rescue people that are famous, you know, uh, we got together, we said $28,000 cash. We will take this horse. We'll take it in the middle of the night. It never goes on Instagram. And he said, no, it's really, yeah. That like seeing that drives me nuts, but like, I'm not like, let's just save puppies. Like, that's just like stopping the blood. It's not really, you're not helping at all you like get to the root of the problem so the big thing is like whores on instagram that want to hold baby tigers in thailand it's like if you're

ever holding an apex predator touching an apex predator there's a tremendous amount of abuse going on a lot of people don't know that so that's normally what i'm and like the don't ride elephants and shit like shit like that well then let's root for the animals to maul them and rip their faces off. Yeah. Yeah. That, that, when that happens, I get so psyched. It's like, oh, a tiger, the tiger in your basement attacked your baby. What was that? Chris Rock, I'm going to get this so wrong, but Chris Rock, remember when that killer whale dragged that woman by her ponytail to the bottom? Oh, no, no, no. That's not what it was about but uh uh Siegfried and Roy when the tiger pulled him off stage he was like the tiger didn't go crazy the tiger just

finally was a tiger yeah it went tiger it didn't go crazy it went safe tiger on your ass yeah yeah exactly like it finally was like wait I'm a fucking tiger what am I doing let me just like attack this idiot why am I doing what he says? It's like, you forgot to give it like the, like 10 Benadryls a day. And it just sobered up for a second. Oh, I'm going to fucking eat you. Yeah.

Yeah. Not, not ideal, but yeah. So it's like, that's that kind of shit. So there are so many animals that used to be in movies and stuff that like have nowhere to fucking go. So that's,

that's what I deal with. And like, that's why, um, did you know that I'm blocked by Dan Bilzerian because I was going after him so much for so long? I could see you hating him, yeah. I fucking, I don't care about the women in the bikinis. That's fine.

If you are a woman that wants to get paid to hang out with some loser nerd in a bikini, like, I would have done that if I had had fake tits when I was that young. But I didn't. I didn't have tits, so I didn't get that chance. But I had to fucking get funny. And I would have much rather have done to it. You just don't have to have a fucking giraffe in the background. You don't have to have a bear. I mean, there was that photo of, of that bear at the house. And then what you don't see, number one, it's standing up and for a bear to stand up on command, they basically have to hang

it by a noose the entire time. It's a baby up until about a year old. It's hanging on a wall with a noose around its neck i'll send you videos it's fucking horrific and then and then um there's you see the electric wire around it i mean there's like a light there's someone that's just standing there ready to electrocute at any moment so it's like here's what pisses me off not that dan belzerian is a psychopath asshole that abuses animals it's that all those other people there are assuming it's humane because like, and then you have to be, then you're a part of it.

And like, it's like when people go to zoos or things that say like, it's a sanctuary. It's not, it's abuse. And it's disgusting what they do, but you're giving them money because you're trying to do the right thing. And you just got played. Like, I don't like that either.

Like, so I do tend to, this is how crazy I've gone. I tend to go after fake charities, like bullshit charities, because it's like, it pisses me off when someone does the right thing and spends their hard earned money to donate to a charity and they're participating in some corrupt bullshit. Like,

and you're, you're robbing people, you know, it's like, you're just robbing. A lot of charities are just fucking straight up scam. And you do this all in your tons of spare time. But I've definitely done since the invention of Apple Pay.

Wait, what? Say again, John? I said I've definitely done that since the invention of Apple Pay. I'm just like, anytime I see a tweet or a gop on me, I actually recently made a promise to stop doing it because I'm like, alright, here's $100, here's $200, whatever, fuck it, we'll give a shit. And I've given so much money

to definitely just horrible. You should spend that money on new clothes and manscaped face wash and a fucking ring light, dude. Save your money. The charity is you. You need to invest in yourself because you are an at-risk

mentally ill man. So you're a charity. You are so painfully accurate. And right now, like, cause like you're just, you're really hammering at home now. I love,

I really into you, John. I'm going to say something that I already regret saying it and I'm sorry, but whatever. I don't remember you when I came on the podcast last time. Is it cause you didn't have the mustache? Yeah. Yeah. mustache? Yeah. Yeah.

Or I just was not entertaining. One or the other. You know, it's weird. No. Okay. I just, as long as you didn't have the mustache, because as soon as I came on, I will be fair. I was like, oh, who's this guy? I remember loving the other guy.

Like, why? Who's this fucking asshole? So I was like. Push the confidence, John. I didn't like you at first because I was like, I didn't like you at first. Cause I was like, I met, I liked the guy I met that time. And then I'm kind of putting together. I'm like, Oh, that's the same guy just with a mustache. But it is amazing to me. Like, like if I don't have makeup on and I put like, if someone sees me without makeup, they're like, normally people say I'm pretty without makeup. I'm sure that's a lie,

but they're in a panic. Like when you have to say an ugly – you see an ugly baby and you're like, she's gorgeous. Like you have to overcompensate so much. But a lot of times I'm obsessed with things that make people unrecognizable or like when I cut my hair, like a guy I've dated, like that I've had sex with. I'll be like, hey. And they're like, hi. And I'm like, you don't recognize me. I've peed on my face in Asia. How do you not know? In my mouth and like how two inches, I cut two inches off my hair. And all of a sudden, like, you can't see me. I do have this thing thing where guys if a woman has hair like uh above the they're just invisible so maybe it was that but when a guy has a mustache i like i am such a good

person to uh trick with like a cartoon costume like i like if a guy has a mustache i'm like nice to meet my own brother he had a mustache once and i I was like, hi, hello, sir. I think it's like a different person, which is so odd. You didn't understand the stuff with Superman and Clark Kent. You're like, yeah, no, he put on glasses. Yeah, totally, different person. Go to phone booth, put on some glasses. Hello, nice to meet you, stranger.

That's so funny to me for some reason, because when I put makeup on, and like someone that like, I like someone that like someone I've got all these construction workers at my house because I'm doing renovation so they always see me first thing in the morning and one day they saw me come home in uh like having makeup on and like and they were like like when he comes at your house like they they literally said to the head guy the head guy guy was like, Hey, my workers

think they suck. Nick Cummings. I'm like, what a weird, like, do you know Whitney Cummings? Like, I was like, how do I look so different? Well, you're ugly. What can I say? You are the best. Thank you.

You're on tour now. I mean, everybody already knows you. You're already rich and famous. I don't even know why you, why do you real quick question. Why do you like tour in like, you know, middle of nowhere, Idaho or Iowa or something like you're obviously rich, you're successful. Do you really just love doing it that much? Um, you know, I'm still look, I do believe that I will get my dead dad's approval.

I know. I just feel like 40 cities in five months is the way to do it. He would not have wanted me to have biological children or find happiness. But no, yeah, I mean, that's the thing. Like, I've done a couple things. Like, I've done TV. I've gotten to direct movies I've done a couple things. Like I've done TV. I've gotten to direct movies. I've been in movies.

I've created TV shows. Like I'm a standup dude. And like, I think a lot of state people do stand up just so they can get a TV show or host a late night show. It's like, I always just wanted to do standup and I started getting all these other things started coming my way. I think, you know, a lot of, a lot of girls want to say like, it's so hard to be a female comedian. Like it is,

it's hard to be a male comedian. It's hard to be, but like I probably got a couple opportunities that I wasn't quite ready for because I was just, there were so few of us. So I maybe benefited from it a little bit. And, um, and I was doing all that stuff and I was like, wait a second, I just want to do fucking standup. I didn't want to have to talk to lawyers about what I can and can't say at an HR department. I didn't sign

up. It's basically like you're just running a business. You have employees. I was like, I'm literally in meetings all day. I'm sorry, John, do you have somewhere to go? My laptop's dying. You're starting to like, what do you call it?

It was getting all choppy because my laptop's dying. Motherfucker got up in the middle of the most important... It died. It's not choppy. I'm just boring you because I'm... I'm obsessed with

when a woman is talking to a guy that he has... If you have no chance of fucking me, all of a sudden it's like, we're breaking up. You're just bored. You're bored. when a woman is talking to a guy that he has, like, if you have no chance of fucking me, like all of a sudden it's like, ah, we're breaking up. I'm bored. You're just bored. You're bored.

We're on like hour two of a podcast. I didn't realize it was going to be this long. I was away from my charger. Dude, I'm used to doing Joe Rogan. This like, I'm used to nothing. This is light work.

I usually have to take two bathroom breaks and like go to rehab in between the first and second chunk okay i'm normally wasted halfway through these things but um i uh oh yeah so i i just was like uh this is what everyone seems to want and this is what i guess i was like conditioned to want like you want a sitcom you want to be in movies like and and that's the goal like become a stand-up comedian to be in a marvel movie like you're're kind of just waiting around all day to like work for two seconds. And like, I work so hard to be funny. And now I have to do TV shows where they're not going to let me be funny. And everyone, people already, they already don't think women are funny. Like I can't do all these TV shows where they don't let me be funny.

Like, this is why people don't think women are funny because they get on TV and a bunch of lawyers are like, you can't say that. It's like, I can't say anything funny basically. So I was like, let me just like, like, like go back to what I do. And I really just want to make specials, dude. I just want to make specials and I want to like be a comedian. I want to tour. I love going on. Like I, I also see the disease of what only living in New York and LA does to comedians. It makes them be like woke police activists or something. And it makes them lose their mind. I believe comedians, we're scumbags. Like we are not the authority on morality or how you should vote or how you should behave. We're the, we're the authority on adultery and depression and what drugs mix well together and what words you can and can't

say and like saying them anyway, you know, this new thing where comedians are like, I'm funny, I'm funny. And they're like, you need to vote this way and you need to donate to this cause. It's like, aren't like, what? Well, I thought you have a bit, your only funny bit is on fat chicks. You're telling me that I have to go to a march like you know so it's it's i think that it's important in order to be like any in any way relevant or funny you have to uh go all across america and stay connected to actual comedy fans instead of trying to appease like executives and like the woke police you know because comedians by nature we're supposed to not be woke what is the point of being a comedian you're gonna play by the rules if you're walking

on eggshells like that's that's the and it's also it's not our job to be liked by everyone like what's this new thing that it's like everyone's supposed to like us like that's we're sort of signing up despicable and disliked and kind of like, I'm just going to say this. Polarizing, dude. Like, think about it. Any good music is polarizing. Any good art is polarizing. If everyone loves something, there's no way it's that good.

But I think comedians are just like, if you're in L.A. or New York for too long, you're so into this, like, having to appease stockholders and you work for Disney and all this like bullshit that you stopping funny and stop knowing what your job is, you know? And I think that I really had to reconnect to that because my tolerance for being disliked was starting to get really low. And as a comedian, that's when you start sucking and not interesting and staying away from dangerous conversations and dangerous topics. And like. That's not how we do it. Comedians, we're such fucking babies. I feel like comedians are 100% responsible for the cancel culture narrative because

it's all we talk about. It's all we talk about. We would have been dead by now if we didn't complain about it every year. People are like, why can't I say tranny? Did you have a bit about trannies? What is... You only do notes about airplane food.

That's one of those things, the cancel culture thing is one that got so big that the phrase doesn't mean anything anymore because people just... That's what happens when phrases get popular. They just get so diluted. I think it was DeStefano recently was like, yeah, we were talking about Spacey. He got canceled. He got arrested for rape.

That's not... I'm about to cancel. Slightly, was like yeah we were talking about spacey he got canceled like he got arrested for rape that's slightly slightly different but it's like honestly as a comedian and like look every time someone tries to cancel joe rogan like his ratings go up like our goal should be to get canceled our goal not for raping anyone sorry not for rate on state for saying stuff that's inappropriate like it's our job to take you through a haunted house and it's our job and what and for the woke police like the more stuff you make taboo the funnier we get because like you're making you're making us stronger because you know the more things that are taboo the more things we can joke about you know so if you're the more so i'm all for it because a lot of things a couple years ago we were getting to a point where nothing was shocking anymore

like sex wasn't shocking you know it's like everything's shocking now everything's shocking again so it's like you know but um but comedians were such bitches it's like it'll be like for my first amendment right to say what i want and someone's like you're not funny and it's like you can't say that everyone can only have a first amendment right if you say what I want. And someone's like, you're not funny. And it's like, you can't say that. Everyone can only have a first amendment right. If you say what I want. You agree with me. Yes. Totally. Such a crutch.

I went to stand up on Saturday night. Get the lighter off your face. And I can't tell you who I play with. I'm nervous. The Play with like soap then. The guy who was hosting like i couldn't tell you his name i wouldn't out him if i did but he like he just wasn't fun

he wasn't good and he just kept going back to like why are you guys trying why aren't you guys laughing you want you want to cancel me it's like no dude you just you just kind of stink you're bombing right there's a difference Well, it is really funny. Like, comedians will come off stage after bombing. Yeah, dude, that's, like, too woke. It's like, no. Right. No, that's not true.

You're just bombing. It was, yeah. That's okay. But it was, like, don't attack me. He wasn't even telling offensive jokes. He's like, oh, you guys all want to get your phones out and cancel me, don't you? Like, bro, you made a joke about pussy. Like, like we don't know we wouldn't even know who to tag right you had you'd have to be famous for anyone to cancel you dude like yeah that's i mean that's

just you know like that's there's also a lot of bad comedy out there which is like you know it's like when people like women aren't funny it's like there's a lot of men that aren't funny too you know so talk about that story more i think that is to me my thing people are like, women aren't funny. It's like there's a lot of men that aren't funny too. So talk about that story more. I think that is – to me, my thing is like all women don't have to be funny. That's not what we're asking of you. But we just need to make a couple more bad male comedians famous. So you're just like, oh, okay. There's some funny women, some funny men, and some unfunny women and some unfunny men.

There's no way that every woman that becomes a comedian is going to be funny. There's no way. We will let you go after this one. Did you watch Hacks? I didn't. Oh, fuck it. Because you're one of the people who could pull this off, I think. There's a scene where... God, her name's escaping me.

Who's the star? Jean Smart or Hannah Einbein. Jean Smart. Jean Smart tells the guy who's opening for her doing stand-up. And he's very hacky. He's like, she's got a great set. Also, she's going to come out and do some jokes. And she just gets, like, angry at him.

And she's like like why are you like that why is there always a guy like you why are you just scum by blah blah and she goes how much do i have to pay you to never step foot in a comedy club again how much does your dream cost and he's like 69 million dollars and she's like haha very funny so i can't do that but i'll give you 1.69 and my lawyers will draft the contract and you can never step foot on a stage ever again, and I'll write you that check. How big a check could you write to keep a very hacky, garbage comedian offstage forever? Zero dollars. Zero?

Big money. In the moment, let's say it's an animal of fear's a animal hacky guy and you could just erase him from the planet earth but it's going to take some of your money how much would it be no i would just poison him like an adult i'm not i don't pay dude i had my nudes leaked i got extorted that motherfucker he was like uh uh if you because i i posted a video i I was like high on edibles in the bathtub and I videoed myself and I accidentally getting out of the bathtub naked and put it on Instagram stories because I'm

young and he took a screen grab of it before like right before I deleted it and then before my special came out he tried to extort me and he sent me an email this like from an AOL address so it's like now you're fucking up my computer you know what i mean like i don't like what happens when you get an aol like email are you like you just set yourself up my mom was extorting

you yeah i totally i'm like and so um he was like if you don't give me fifteen thousand dollars i'm gonna sell this photo of your boob to a tabloid, which was kind of amazing. Cause I was like, how did you know my boobs cost exactly $15,000? That is such a fair hacker, like points for fairness. And, um, and I was like, not it. So I ended up just posting it myself on Twitter so that I, like, I won't pay any, I won't pay people that deserve money. Most of the time. Um, I, I don't, yeah, I would never do that. That show. I know it's super successful. People love it. I haven't seen it. I just like, and I love the girl that plays the writer on the show, but like, I, I guess I'm a little hung up on like, why does a famous female comedian need a writer? Like, I don't have a, like,

we don't have writers. Like what do you do? You got to watch the show. You got to see why. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah. Okay. Gene Smart is like, she's been in the game forever, but she's getting stale. And she's like, we need to get younger and we need some help. It doesn't happen. That doesn't happen. Like Joan Rivers wrote all her own shit till she died, dude. Like, I don't know. I just don't, I don't like that idea that like, if you're old and stale, just do that.

Well, Jean Smart doesn't like it idea that like, if you're old and stale, just do that. Well, Jean Smart doesn't like it in the show either. Like that is part of it where she's like, I don't fucking need this. And then she becomes. I think that's like a, just to me, an archaic take of like, you know, I don't know. I think some of the best jokes are that, that, you know, Joan Riverdale is like, yeah, my like, whatever,

pussy's dried up and this and this. Like I did a joke about Joan Rivers. It was like, Joan Rivers is so old old her pussy has a separate entrance for black cops that was the best joke I've ever heard that's the best joke I've ever heard getting older is fucking funny like watching an older woman try to be young and relevant that's just uncomfortable

so I think that for me I'm always like how come like I mean Hannah's an actual she's a stand-up comedian but I don't know I just am like there are come, like, I mean, Hannah's an actual, she's a stand-up comedian, but I don't know. I just am like, there are so many, I don't know. I just, that always like, when I see shows about the comedy world, like Maisel and all those, it's always just a little bit like, it makes me uncomfortable. I could see that because you're just too close to it probably. But it is, if you can, if you can get through that, it's a good show. But, like, imagine a show about two podcasters that had, like, a bro podcast,

and they hired some actor that's never podcasted to be like, yo, yo, yo, here we are, motherfuckers! And you'd just be like, that's it! See? No, I get it. I get it. My best friend growing up is, he is still currently, he's a Marine, and it's insufferable watching war movies with him, because he's like, that's not the formation we'd use.

So I made a promise to myself that I would never correct anything in my field. So that's how I talk. Yeah, but look, we have microphones. He doesn't. So that's how it goes. I also like there's just a little bit like I'm a little over this thing that older women like when they're mad, they have to throw their phone in a pool. And like I just this whole thing that is just like like I don't you know what I'm saying? Like I don't understand.

To be fair, not to be fair, but just a little spoiler here. Jean Smart gets very mad and throws her phone in a pool. That's what I'm saying. I saw it in the trailer and I was just like, so women are okay. So we can't write jokes and we're bad with money and we're childish. Like, is she a young childish asshole or is she old?

Which is it? Like, I guess I just am like, I don't know. I guess as someone that gets accused of being crazy a lot. And then I see stuff like that. And I'm like, that's how people think I am.

And like, like, I don't, I grew up poor. I don't fucking dude. My iPhone has a necklace on it. So that it never falls anywhere. This is like a harness so that my phone never falls.

By the way, great fucking shirt. Unbelievable. I can throw this at my home. Look at me throwing something in the pool. By the way, great fucking shirt. Unbelievable. I could throw this in my, look at me throwing something in a pool. Still here. Thank you. Never fucking change, Whitney Cummings.

No matter how fucking weird. I'm obsessed with labyrinths, and honestly, this shirt I'm wearing, for those that are just listening, I'm wearing a labyrinth shirt, and like, you know what? Jennifer Connelly was 15. He was in his late 30s, and I'm wearing the shirt. I don't give a fuck. Fuck it. On that note.

On that note, we will let you go. Everybody go get tickets to the tour. Get tickets to the podcast. Keep doing your thing, girl. You're amazing. I love you guys. Wash your face, obviously. Bye.