KFC Radio - KFC Gives His 2024 Presidential Campaign Platform - Full Episode

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 00:35 Jerry Seinfeld's Graduation speech 22:52 KFC for President 2024 01:07:39 Video VoicemailsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

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There's a link in the description below. Click that, subscribe, and then come back and catch the full episode. Thank you. It's another edition of KFC Radio radio on the barstool sports network flying solo today because feidelberg is jet setting around the world back in italy once again so it's me and your girl jackie and jerry seinfeld is fucking at it again man j. Jerry Seinfeld gave the speech, the commencement speech this past weekend at Duke. And he has one daughter that graduated from there and one son that's currently enrolled there. So obviously you can understand why he gave the speech.

And as he took the stage, a few dozen students got up and walked out of the graduation ceremony as a form of protest because Jerry Seinfeld, who's Jewish, has had a very pro-Israel stance in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. And as they walked out, they had Iranian flags and Palestinian flags flags and they were chanting free palestine and then the other side of the uh the audience who were there and to enjoy him started chanting jerry jerry jerry which is just a complete and total mockery of everything uh and then they took to they took to social media the kids did and they said uh that that du Duke ruined the celebration by including a pro-genocide Zionist. And they proceeded to try to have their own little celebration, their own graduation somewhere else on campus, which was just not what they thought it was.

I think they thought it was going to be this big, powerful moment and this big thing, and it was just like, again, a couple dozen students out of like 7,000 just chanting about Palestine. He got up there and did a speech no matter what. I don't think it made the impact they thought it was going to be. I said I would have walked out on that speech, not because of anything to do with politics, but because I can't listen to Jerry Seinfeld talk about cancel culture and how comedy isn't allowed anymore. Again, for like the 50,000th time, it's his whole speech started off like you need your sense of humor.

And I know you kids are going to like go on to to change the world for the better. But also, it's okay to laugh at jokes and be awkward in humor. And it's like, oh my God, he's doing it again. He did it with his interview with The New Yorker. The guy from The New Yorker absolutely smoked Jerry Seinfeld. I don't know if you saw this, Jackie. He was like, nowadays, you write a script and it goes to one person and then it goes to the next person and the next person and like five people touch it and give notes and revise it and then your script is dead and the guy was like has that ever happened to you and he was like well no and

it was like every every example he came up with was like the guy was like well what about this and what about that and he was just proving jerry wrong at every step because jerry's like five years too late he he's like he's still talking about uh i think he called he said like pc woke ism or something like that which was like those are the phrases that we were thrown around in like 2018 2019 he like i also feel like it's so talked about now like people are like like it's like a trope that comedians talk about that's what i mean it's like there was a there was a time and even back then it was a little inflated when when it was like if you say something there's going to be a bunch of people

who call up you know uh the sponsors or whatever and it's going to be a bunch of people who call up the sponsors or whatever, and it's going to be a headache for you. I think Shane losing SNL was the only real tangible one. Everyone else had like you had a bad day of PR. You had to fight some fans online, but nobody really lost anything other than anything notable, at least Shane with SNL. So even back then, it was a little bit, like, blown out of proportion. But it certainly is now. Now is like, I mean, Shane's a good example. He says and does whatever he wants now.

He's the biggest comedian in the world. The Tom Brady roast was the most talked about thing in entertainment the past couple weeks. It was the most vicious inappropriate comedy you know you could possibly imagine tony hinchcliffe got up there and said anything and everything about everybody who's famous and everyone was like oh that's tony's like coming out party to the rest of america for the people who didn't know about him that that sort of humor is the guys from sunnyny proved him wrong.

Jerry said – I think I talked about this with Fidelberg last episode. When Jerry said, we couldn't do an episode like that today, something about Seinfeld. And Rob McElhinney quote tweeted a picture with Rickety Cricket and said, yeah, no, probably we could do it today. It's like – and those guys have been through it all. Those guys never got canceled or anything because they just didn't let it yeah no probably we could do it today it's like and those guys have been through it all that those guys never got canceled or anything because they just didn't let it like infiltrate their lives

and like oh like overtake them and i understand there's also like when you're mega famous the way those guys are a little bit under the radar they don't get as much attention and as much negative attention but it's also like if you just keep your head down and make funny shit because at the same time of that era of like cancel culture there's some unbelievable shows you know there's there was fleabag there was um it was fleabag there was schitt's creek there was veep there's sunny for like the 15th season and then there's like humor built into all of the other genres. Like if you watch The Boys or you watch Succession or The Bear, there's like those aren't like comedies, but they are funny. And like there is humor in there.

I think that's what Seinfeld's point was. He was talking. He was like, do you know Jerry Seinfeld's 70? He's 70? 70. I think that's part of the problem because he looks fucking amazing yeah for his age but when i hear how old he is i'm like oh no fucking kidding he's talking like this he's like an old grandpa yeah he was talking about uh he said uh on on a podcast with dana carvey and david

spade he was talking about sitcoms and he said you know we used to all have mash and all in the family do you even know what those shows are i mean i've heard you've heard of them like would you ever know anybody in it or anything that it was about no it's it's like he's talking about shows that i think ended in like the early 80s you know like just talking about shit that's like 40 and 50 years old. No fucking kidding. It's not the same way anymore. Like, I guess if his point is that, like, we don't have that must-see TV network sitcom anymore where we all sit down and watch that Thursday night at 8 o'clock, that's probably true. But that's because it's turned into I watch a podcast. I watch stand-up specials.

I watch skit shows. And the shows that I do watch are not that half-hour cookie-cutter show. They're like, you know, an hour-long seasonal type show. So it's like I don't know if his argument is more about the cancel culture stuff or just the form in which we watch it. But all of it is like, yeah, man, I don't know. It's not like it was in the 80s. It's not like it was.

And also, you know, he's living in the Seinfeld world back in the 90s, and he's like, there's no show. We couldn't do that show today. And it's like, well, Larry David did. Yeah. For the last 12 whatever years nine seasons however it was like he took the premise of seinfeld and the style of seinfeld and he did it in this era that you're talking about that nobody can do comedy so if curb can thrive this

whole time and that's basically who like he was what are you talking about do you think he's like using it as an excuse kind of for like well yeah i mean listen i i said on a video i made the other day which by the way we're doing uh everybody knows about one minute man but now we're doing five minute man which is just longer more uh some of the same topics but more fleshed out um so i did you know i already talked about some of this on the youtube channel you can subscribe to that it's five minute man uh and there's also one minute man youtube shorts channel um i said you know i think we have learned who the who's the brady and who's the belichick in that duo because larry david went on to have a whole other career and one of the greatest you know probably maybe even considered better than

seinfeld type uh comedies and jerry's making movies about pop tarts that the world fucking hates i almost i want to watch that just to see how bad it is and i that's that that's like the way it was it was being talked about i'd rather of course you want to have a great movie if you're not gonna have a great movie i think i'd rather have whatever unfrosted is like i don't want to be in the middle i want it to be so fucking bad that everybody goes and watches it for that reason and i can become part of like a cult classic you know win like a razzy sort of thing once steven chay was like this movie is amazing must he said must see he was like the comedy is brilliant i was like that movie sucks i i i was very skeptical over a movie about pop tarts to begin with but that movie sucks wait why are people saying it's

bad it's just apparently it's just like atrocious like it's just not funny the cast is unbelievable yeah like it is it is let me pull up the imdb the cast is so fucking huge that i'm sure they felt like uh unfrosted right um i'm sure they thought, like, with Jerry and these names, like, we can't fail. But they did. Let's see. Top cast. Jerry Seinfeld, Jim Gaffigan, Hugh Grant, Christian Slater, Amy Schumer, Cedric the Entertainer, Earthquake kyle dunnigan sebastian meniscalco

uh melissa mccarthy like the list just keeps going on and on james marsden like big time major actors tony hale uh very funny people dean norris peter dinklage bill burr you know it's like how did this fail because i don't know it's a movie about fucking pop tarts dude and i don't know maybe that that's part of like jerry used to be able to do like comedy about anything that would be an episode of sign did you ever watch that no yeah it's so funny and i asked you and pavs if you watch seinfeld and you didn't you didn't watch it but pavs like actively hates it yeah which, why? Which, I don't know. I mean, I'll tell you why. Because you guys are 24.

And that show came out in 1991 or some shit. Yeah, but a lot of people my age do like it. I mean, it is, in my opinion, it's timeless type shit. Obviously with some technology being outdated. But the rest of it is just the shitty things about life that you gotta like deal with um and it's a lot of like curb i think a lot of people now if they like that they just watch curb yeah yeah yeah i know more people who watch curb than right who watch time bell jerry larry david just does it in a way like i think of jerry now as like a just like a nasty

old curmudgeon who's like preaching at you all the time i think the thing lost a lot of people yo that to me i i said it didn't lose enough people like if the first reaction to that when jerry seinfeld gave the fucking heisman to kesha who just wanted a hug people were like on his side at first being like oh he's like the quirky old man and people were like shitting on kesha at that point and then like once everybody got the information about like what kesha was going through and you look back on it like that all that girl she wanted a hug she needed a hug yeah yeah i look back on that and i'm like why didn't you just fucking and i get it like someone running up in your personal space is weird. But the way he just kind of dunked on her afterwards, you know what I mean?

Yeah. No, I'm good. I'm fine. It's like, I don't know. If some chick ran up to me, there was some diehard stoolie, and she ran up to me and hugged me. Obviously, it's a weird move, but I was just like, okay, I'll get back and keep it moving. It's one of those things where it's harder to hold a grudge. It's harder to not hug the person at that moment.

Just do it and it's over. Now you have a whole, he's talking to her and he's like, it could have been done. But that sort of stuff is like, oh, yeah. All this shit is just like, enough, bro. You're too late. And it's certainly not the right time to talk about like comedy being held back. Yeah. Again,

if you want to make the argument that it's, we don't have like a true, we don't have the, the super bads anymore. We've talked about that forever. The, like the comedy movie, comedy blockbuster in the summertime,

those don't exist anymore. We don't have the sitcoms, but you have, it's because it took other forms, you know, it's like, all of that humor is packed into these dramas we're watching, or the superhero movies, or now you, like I said, you watch the podcasts, or you watch the stand-up, and even things like, we went to the premiere of Tires for Shane, I like that, I think Tires will be the first one in a while that does do the half-hour sitcom traditionally. If you haven't seen – have they put the – I know the trailers are out.

Did they put – no, it hasn't premiered yet, right? No. I think Tires premieres on like May 22nd or May 23rd, and it is going to be a very funny like true to form sitcom so like i just don't now is not the time to talk about comedy failing because i know everybody's selling at arenas everybody's making money hand over fist i think there was maybe a time where it was a little bit harder to get some of your controversial jokes in and even now i think that's pretty much done as evidenced by that. I mean, that roast is like, they're going to keep doing those.

They're going to keep, you know, all of these comics are going to keep rising through the ranks. It's just enough, dude. Enough. You're five years. But again, if you told me, like, me like a 70 year old man doesn't understand the landscape right now i'd be like oh yeah of course i don't know how the fuck he looks like that yeah i know he looks exactly the same because it's like he looks better yeah he does yeah um that's just men aged so much better also when you have i think he has literally a billion dollars yeah

it's probably easier but yeah he's got like, like if you look at Jerry or anybody in like the early 90s, it's like they had like weird hair and they dressed funny and just didn't look. Now it's like he's got salt and pepper hair and he like, it just looks better

even than he did in his prime. It does suck for you girls. I know. But there is, there like, it's getting better. Like Anne Hathaway looks better than she does.

Have you seen that movie? No, I haven't, but I want to. It is preposterous. It's so silly. Have you seen it? Yeah. Wait, I thought it was really good, but maybe I'm just hearing what you're saying. No, I mean, it's exactly what it is.

It's like a romance novel on the beach turned into a movie, you know? But yo, she's getting it in. She's getting fucked. she's getting fucked she's getting fucked man good for her she wrote out so much shit i know she's john's girl so i don't want to i don't want to encroach but like there was just so many she was kind of like a nickelback type joke where it was like why why does everyone make fun of her and hate her and she just rode through that period and came out the other side yeah Yeah. Now it's just like, I look great. I am great.

I like. She's a lot to do that. Classy. She makes me want to like change my name to Jacqueline. Ooh. So you want to start going as Jacqueline? But I just like, I can't pull it off. When you, when you meet somebody, you introduce yourself as Jackie.

Maybe that's, maybe that's what you got to change but maybe you got to start rolling up on dudes being like i'm jacklyn nice to meet you yeah i know but like i don't i don't fit like do i look like a jacklyn no if you want to be one i know you got to dress the part act the part walk the walk and talk the talk i kind of think once i get a little bit of money i'm gonna throw all my clothes yeah and i'm gonna like start my wardrobe as jacklyn oh they come it's like a pr makeover like i know we're gonna like give you a full-blown i mean listen i'm not the best at doing pr clearly i've never made over myself but uh we'll do it for you you're jacklyn i'm yeah i really think i could do it i think give me a year

i'm actually a big proponent of that when you i've always said one of the things but i've also just been a big proponent like stay true to yourself of what like stay true well yeah listen if you're being completely phony yeah that sucks but i've always been a big proponent uh this is something i've preached for a while and actually it segues nicely to the next segment where I'm going to give you my presidential platform. And I'm going to tell you how I'm going to change the world for the better in 2024. Vote for me. I've always said once you start getting – once you first get a job and you make enough money, take like one paycheck and blow it on some clothes. Like take the hit. It's going to be tight that month. tight that month obviously you gotta still pay rent and all that shit this has to be like

a little bit of expendable expendable cash but take money and go on like a little shopping spree so i've done yet if you're a guy get like a nicer suit girls girls can kind of shop i think easier than guys guys have to like spend a lot of money to get quality you know but just blow it get it get a really nice pair of shoes get a really nice this really nice that because then you start to yeah live that way i've done the math kind of and i i would need about like 10 i actually think this would be an interesting video i would need about like I actually think this would be an interesting video I would need about like $10,000 to like and it wouldn't obviously be the nicest stuff

but it would be like enough to where I'm getting pretty good quality stuff I would throw out everything and the video would be like shorting my wardrobe, starting my wardrobe from nothing Let's do it When do you want to do it? Well it'll be part of like

Your yearly bonus I'll give you 10,000 bucks Really? Yeah But you have to make the video But I have to do the video Yeah So if you want to do it

Over the summer If you want to do it in the fall Like when Like when does You gotta pick when you want the money Cause like For me I like fall clothes That's a good point

Like I wouldn't go Spend 10,000 bucks On like summer clothes Cause it's like Shorts and t-shirts And shit like that No but like I could

Like right now it's in Okay so here's what i'm gonna do before spending any of the money i'm gonna make a bunch of sheets or i'm gonna make a bunch of like a um what i would want to buy how much the cost the total cost okay i'll do it for like seasons. You and John can decide what I'll, I'll draft up something. Okay. Okay. I like this. And then,

and then you should also throw in a little bit of like, it's like becoming Jacqueline. I like that. I like that. Should also throw in a little bit. Some of it should just be like name brand, spend the money. Like I said,

get high quality, but also find some dupes and shit like that, where it's like girls, you could, you know, get this dress for this price and all that because you can go about it a couple ways like if becoming jacklyn means like you're gonna buy a pair of fucking louboutins and get this bag maybe that's the 10 000 bucks just having right no but or it can be like i want a whole new it's gonna be like i need a few... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you still, like I said, you can find nice shit. Yeah.

Right? I feel like when I see a lot of these dresses and a lot of the shit that's trending on social, it's like, you get that from Sheen or whatever. I'm not into Sheen. I know that's shitty, but it looks like... Yeah, yeah. But that material, I mean, it ends up, like, catching up to you. Yeah.

But, so, I would go, like, middle ground. It'd be, like, it's not going to be, like, really nice. Can we get a Fashion Nova, Jacqueline? Okay. You want to do a Fashion Nova? Fashion Nova girls are not really, it's not really your speed. You're talking about, like, the brand Fashion Nova? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean. Or do they do kind of everything? They do kind of everything. Like, we could get, we'll do a mix of everything. I'll get, like, one of the purchases be, like, a pretty nice thing. Okay. All right.

I like this. We'll do this. I'm sure you do. I'm sure you fucking do like this. I'm sure you do. But before I spend any of your money, I will. And we have to plot out the video. Yeah.

All that. Okay. Okay. We'll do this. Becoming Jacqueline. I like it. I really like it. The official ticketing partner of Barstool Sports is Game Time.

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So head over to GameTime right now, use promo code KFC, and get $20 off your first purchase to any live event. That's GameTime. Use promo code KFC for $20 off your first purchase. All right. So with me flying solo today, I figured we'd do a little bit of kind of a throwback podcast, maybe a little bit of a mail time session. Did you listen to Mail Time ever? Probably was before your time. There was like a few.

There's some that I accidentally downloaded. Accidentally? No, no, no. Bitch. What a bitch. Just a fucking whack in the face. No, no, no. Bitch. What a bitch. Just a fucking whack in the face. No, no, no. I'm saying like for this job to do like throwback videos.

But like I didn't know about it at the time. Maybe I would have if I had known about it. Man, I will say I love my boy John and this is our bread and butter. But some of the early days where me and my brother were just like making shit up on the fly. Just like, I don't really know how to make a pot. Like, you know, what makes a podcast good, bad, all the other. We follow so many rules now. And I co-sign it because we have to work efficiently and like not just churn shit out that doesn't make any money or isn't successful.

But back then we just literally did whatever the fuck we wanted it was great so we used to have more like themed episodes or uh like one singular topic the whole time so today uh it's something i've been kind of combining two things i've been thinking about running for president jackie so i'm gonna give my presidential platform today here uh KFC 2024. And on top of that, kind of putting it together, my slogan is going to be stop scamming 2024. I like that. Too many scams. Everybody, there's just fucking goddamn scams everywhere.

And then you start to look around and every fucking thing is a scam. So I'm going to give you my uh and also highlight the scams of society the first big thing i'm going to change as president and it's one of the greatest scams ever is the 40-hour work week the five-day work week the nine to five day that shit was made up i don't even fucking know when i think like kids were still losing fingers in factories and shit like that and they were like we gotta figure out a way to i don't even know i think fucking henry ford made it up or some shit all i know is that things have drastically changed since then the amount of time it takes to get shit done is way different. The amount of time that that like you spend doing menial tasks, it's all different.

Like the fact that we don't change our work week when we've gone through like two revolutions since then and the Internet's taken over everything and computers take over everything and we're still here five fucking days a week. Some bullshit, man. the internet's taking over everything and computers take over everything and we're still here five fucking days a week some bullshit man and by the way just switching to four and three makes a load of difference because five versus two is like man that's like i don't know it's like double i have to work double and a half but four versus three is almost 50 it's almost like well you know if you take a half day here you basically get like 50 50 that would change everything everybody would be so much happier you know how happy you are when you get a three-day weekend they'll throw some fucking numbers at you about like productivity and shit and and how they want to stop that because they're fucking scamming you and they're trying to keep you in the building five days a week and acting like, you know, the entire world will like spin off its access if access, if we, you know, have one extra

day of the weekend. Fuck that. So right off the bat, I'm starting with the four day work week. Maybe even by the end of my term, if I get reelected, maybe it's a three day work week and a four day weekend. Cause you know what? The rest of the world is already fucking doing that. Yeah. Europe just like sleeps half the week. They literally go to sleep during the day. day weekend because you know what the rest of the world is already fucking doing that yeah europe just like sleeps half the week they literally go to sleep during the day in the middle of the work day it's like the rest of the world is just fine doing it uh so that one off the rip we're changing that when you were working at deloitte did you actually have like stuff to do on fridays my job was a little bit different my job My job was, and it's the only reason

I was able to get this job. I got all of my work at the beginning of the month. I was binge working while you guys, while the rest of the world was still doing week to week. They gave me anywhere between 10 and 20 of these investments. And the bad months were 20 and that was a lot and then there was light months at 10 and usually it was somewhere in the middle and it was like usually it was like this one's due on the second this one's due on the fifth this one's due on the eighth two are done on the 12th and it would be spread out but you could start working on the ones later in the month earlier in the the month, and shit like that. So it was spread out if you wanted it to be spread out. But a lot of times, you could just bang it out.

So I would just work late, work on a weekend, get this shit done, and then I could blog. But when it was busy time, I was working until 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock. And like Fridays were full days. Businesses should want what I'm talking about. Because like you're paying, especially if you're getting paid hourly or whatever. These people aren't doing a fucking thing on Friday. So get the, if you were the company that was like, I'm giving you a 3D weekend every weekend. You'd get so much good PR. Because it'd be like, wow, you're so good to your workers.

Because guess what? They're only working four days a week anyway. because they're fucking mailing it in on Friday. So, you know, probably none of these are feasible, but we're doing it. And some of these are obviously a little more serious than others. But I'm going to change the world of sports as well. Sports is near and dear to my heart. We are going to invoke, I'm going to have my presidential decree, the common sense rule.

And it just applies to every fucking sport, whether it's a review or any call in real time, whether we're talking about like, oh, his foot came off the base one millimeter. He's out. Or is this a catch or not a catch? Or what is the letter of the law? And it's like, yo, just cut the bullshit and just common sense. Did he catch it?

Did he land here? Did he land there? We don't need to be agonizing. I mean, NBA reviews are too long now. Baseball reviews are insufferable. Like, come on. You know what's common sense and what's not. And you know what the rule is supposed to mean and supposed to enforce. All this other bullshit just ruins it.

It slows everything down. It ruins the flow, the vibe of the game. Common sense. We all know what these rules are supposed to do. Just enforce it that way. And the refs are allowed to say, you're being an asshole. Like, hey, president said, common sense rule. Stop being a fucking dick to this manager or this coach

or whoever's complaining nonstop. Common sense rule, shut the fuck up. So I'm going to fix sports as a president. Also for my fellow men, I'm going to fix the bachelor party. I'm going to make it a national law, no big dinner during a bachelor party weekend. You're not even allowed to do it. Don't try to sneak it either. If you come to a restaurant in America on a Friday night and there's 12 guys, I know what's going on. I know some best man is trying to have a steak dinner because he thinks that's what guys want to do. They are illegal in our city, in our country. It'll just, I mean, there's no way to

enforce it really without other than saying if it's eight guys are up sitting at a dinner, it's probably a bachelor party. You're not allowed to do it. It ruins the weekend. People feel like they have to do it for some reason. So we just keep perpetuating the cycle. It costs too much money. It kills the party vibe. Everyone wants to just like take a nap afterwards, especially once you start getting older. It kills that night of partying. It's not what we came to do for a bachelor party weekend, but I know that guys feel like they have to do it. Now it's illegal. Now you can't, you're not even allowed to, you will be fined. The, the, the, the, the restaurant is allowed to like, uh, quadruple your bill. If you're a group of nine guys or more out on a weekend night, your bill is now 5x because I know what you're doing and you're going to ruin it for the guys who are trying to party and get nuts and fuck girls and go all night long and all that shit.

Get back to bachelor parties being what they're supposed to be. We got to talk about the airport. I'm going to focus heavily on the airlines and the airports first of all we're doing the trains we're doing high speed trains that's every other country has that high speed trains gets you a fucking cross the country in like 25 seconds but all these shitty airlines make sure that we can't put the train into action because they know that we put out of fucking business. Well, guess what? This is America where we work four days a week and have three days off and we go with

what the people want. People want trains and planes go out of business. So fucking be it. It's not going to happen though. We're all still going to fly. And that's why I'm going to fix what goes on in the airports. The four lane security makes no fucking sense. Because everybody starts cutting each other.

Like if I step up to the lane that's, if I'm waiting and I go to the back lane first, right? I'm first on line. I go to the back lane because that opened up. And then the guy behind me goes to the front one that just opened up after I started. Now his shit is in front of mine, but I'm going through the metal detector first because I did all my packing. And now all of a sudden I've watched seven bags go in front of my shit as I've walked through. And then I'm standing there waiting for these people to get through and get their shit even though i was ahead of all of them on the line it just it doesn't make any sense

i i don't know what they were thinking i guess logically if everyone like did the rose the right way it could make sense but it doesn't work so we're abolishing that uh i'm also abolishing i i want to like get a men in black and just erase it from everyone's brain that you have to get to the airport two hours ahead of time you just don't we we encountered it this past weekend it was the only time i've ever even come close to it even when you're at like your worst worst traffic or uh going through security It's like, it takes 30 minutes. Think about if you are online for 30 fucking minutes. That's a long

ass time. Do you think it's like, I've always thought it's maybe like airport propaganda so that you have more time in the airport to spend money? It's a scam. It's a scam. All of these places in the airports that are like, you can buy clothes and luggage and jewelry.

Or like people eating sushi at airports and shit. I'm like, what is going on here? Sometimes I have like two hours to kill and I'm like, I do need a bracelet. Right. Or there's those massage places. There's all these things. Haircuts. Now, personally, I will say this.

I don't mind getting to the airport two hours early. Because I actually like some of the rest. I like to sit down, table for one. things now personally i will say this i don't mind getting to the airport too early because i actually like uh some of the rest i like to sit down table for one get like a steak and some wine or even when it's all of us we're just kind of hanging out people watching but when you feel like you have to get there two hours ahead you're like scrambling and you're worried about traffic and then you get there and you just cruise right through get cut a couple times on the goddamn security line and then you're there and it's like well well now what yeah it's crazy that was like you know you maybe got to do that on like thanksgiving and christmas but it's some post 9-11 shit that we're still doing 20 fucking however many years

later and and that goes for the airline tax too paying for bags and airline taxes because of this and that those are all things that they enforced with the fucking patriot act because of 9-11 it's over guys we're we've we're done with that no more fucking scamming scamming us and trying to make us pay for shit speaking also in the airport i have no idea why a place that is like a 24 hours a day eat food at any hour you don't know where it's coming from or where it's being made like i said the sushi like how did the how's the airport get like sushi delivered to it right like what i'm sure it's fine but i'm part of me thinks it's like the reject sushi from the other like restaurants and shit because like why is this gonna go to an airport you know and then i see things like sushi i see things like egg salads

john gets like i mean yeah john's disgusting he gets hard-bo boiled eggs in a bag and he puts them in his pocket he's a freak the rest of us don't want that shit I don't know when that egg was made I don't know how long it's been sitting there

is it actually staying cold underneath the fridge that's open or is it staying warm underneath the hot lamp that's why all airports should have peanut butter

and jelly peanut butter and jellies the perfect on the go in the on the move snack it's cheap Airports should have peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter and jellies, the perfect on-the-go, on-the-move snack. It's cheap. It's delicious. It's got protein.

It's easy. Give me some food that's a good snack, that has some shelf life, that isn't disgusting. Lunch meat. I don't need that. Peanut butter and jelly. I think all airports should be required to have like a Chili's or like a TJ... Like some kind of shitty one. One of those where it's like...

Because I'm not going to go to the airport and like want... You don't need to like have something healthy. It's just like get me something that's a staple that's going to have good appetizers. Yep. Done. That's why I love when we go to LaGuardia, I go to that Buffalo Wild Wings every single time. Yep. Get me some wings.

Eat them up. You're good to go. The Chili's is a great one. Applebee's, even though I'm banned for life from Applebee's. Those are all, they should be there. You should have like Old Navy Banana Republic in the gap. You know, those levels. There should be like a fancy one for if you're like, I got two hours to kill and I'm all by myself.

I'm going to get, you you know steak and some wine you should have the uh the chilies the apple bees all that shit and then you need to have like the on the go just grabbing it and not have fucking eggs and weird shit like that i also always wonder if like the people who work at the airport are they applying to specifically work at a restaurant in the airport? Like the people who bartend there and shit? You have to drive to the airport and like park at airport parking every day? Go through like, I know you don't actually have to go through security, but you do kind of have to go through security. But like you're going through that area, the gates kind of like.

Or are they like applying to the restaurant and the restaurant's like, we have a location open in the airport. Brother, you better get a fat fucking raise. There's nothing that sounds worse to me. There's nothing. Working every day in the place where most people are goddamn miserable and they're treating you shitty and they're tired and 24 hours, all that shit. Ugh. That is no bueno. Speaking of wages and whatnot, inflation is a lie and a scam and a myth.

And as president, I'm never going to, you're not allowed to blame inflation. I mean, this last cycle, whatever you want to call it, recession, not recession or whatever, everybody's citing inflation. And then we like straight up proved that corporate corporations

were jacking up prices just because they could blame it on inflation i mean i've seen the graphs i've seen the charts where it's like the prices went up this much because of inflation and then just this much because of corporate decisions and we know it and nobody does anything about it. Those companies should be fucking sent to jail. All of you. Enron, you're gone somehow. You're wiped out. If you raise all your fucking prices and blame it on inflation, you lose your entire fucking business. The fact that we proved that shit and we know the companies that did that and we just don't do anything about it.

Fuck that. Also, in the realm of inflation, let's get to colleges. Colleges. Textbooks. I don't even know if they do. They probably do like e-books now where you have to pay like 300 bucks. Fuck that. Textbooks that the professor writes and then just shoehorns into the class and you have to buy it. Fuck that. Textbooks that the professor writes and then just shoehorns into the class and you have

to buy it. Fuck that. I don't have to buy anything, bro. Give me the test. If I pass it, I pass it. If I fail it, I fail it. That's on me. You can't force me to buy your fucking $300 book or $400 online class or whatever it is going on now. I bought, I would have stacks of textbooks still wrapped up in the fucking paper, in the plastic at the end of the semester, 300 bucks a pop. There was one day in my dorm, there was a fire and the sprinklers went off in our dorm. We didn't have the fire, but it went off on the whole floor and it was bad enough that like i mean when you if you ever see like sprinklers go off there's like old dirty water in those pipes right so it was like black water was shooting everywhere right and then we had like a flood

and we we all started to hear about how the school is reimbursing for any damage. So I opened up all these textbooks that were still in plastic, and I just threw them in the puddle. And they were like, you know, the RA or whoever came by, and they were like, keep a tally of, like, you know, write down everything that got ruined. And I was like, this book, this book, this book, this book, got all my money back. That's genius.

Never used it, never opened it. I was like, should I throw my fucking laptop in here? Should I get a new computer? Like I'm going to, I'm about to run some serious goddamn flood fraud here. But I was like, I had, I had no problem doing it for the books. Cause I was like, fuck you guys. Tuition in general. It's insane. We just need to stop it. Like just again, common sense rule. Stop it. You can no longer, there is no longer any college loans. Okay. You can't get a loan as a kid with no job for $200,000 that you're never going to be able to pay off and you're going to be racked with debt for the rest of your life. I'm going to

prevent that from happening because right now an 18 year old feels like they have to do that and they fuck their whole life up. So I'm going to take away the ability to do that. You cannot get a college loan, which that means that all these college, all these admissions who bank on all these kids getting loans and giving it to them. Now that's not happening anymore. So what do they do? They're going to fucking lower their goddamn tuition because no one can afford it. Let's make college affordable again, or don't even fucking go. Don't even goddamn go because the amount of people who are paying for shit that they never

utilize, you got to go somewhere to learn how to live on your own and socialize and all that shit. If you have a specific job you want to do, doctorate, lawyer, trades, you got to go do that. The rest of us paying money for a liberal arts degree or a random business degree. I just won't allow it. You're just not even fucking allowed to because I'm just preventing you from yourself doing something absolutely stupid. Back to the technology for a moment. I am going to abolish text messages popping up on the car screen when your phone is plugged in. Nobody likes that.

Nobody likes that. I don't care who you're with. You're sitting with your significant other. You definitely don't like it. You could be the best spouse in the whole world. You still don't want texts popping up. Oh, who's that? Oh, well, I can't text who I can't stop who texts me. So all of a sudden I could get a random text from one of my friends that you don't like, a girl that I used to date, someone you don't want me talking to, my mom, her mom, whatever it could be. They shouldn't see that. And all I want to do is have the GPS on and play some music. Why do my texts got to pop up too?

Just plug it in. No screen. The screen just stays as the car. You don't get your phone on your screen, period. We're just going to stop it. I don't care about safety. No, not happening. The world of food.

First and foremost, and maybe the only thing I'll be doing in the world of food, we are going to restore double stuff Oreos. Restore double stuff to its once great. Restore double stuff Oreos to their greatness. Right now, double stuff Oreos

are just single stuff Oreos and single stuff Oreos have been downgraded to like no cream filling at all. A double stuff Oreo used to be like a thick borderline cake. Like I used to have arguments about like, you know, Fig Newton's not a cookie, it's a cake. I used to be like a thick, borderline cake. Like, I used to have arguments about, like, you know,

Fig Newton's is not a cookie, it's a cake. I used to say, like, Oreos are like little cookie cakes because they were thick, bro. Thick with two or three Cs. Like, you could see that cream in the middle. And now it's like, I can't tell. The box said double-stuffed, but I think somebody might have put single stuff in there. That's how bad

that's gotten. That's also a part of inflation. People just making stuff shitty, lower quality, that's done too. You used to buy a car or some shit back in the day, an appliance, GE would last you like a lifetime. They were just like, let's make

these cars good so people can have them forever. Now it's like, this thing sucks and you're gonna have to get a new one every every two years apple you're done with that shit the iphone came out in what like 2007 maybe 2009 i don't know something like that yeah so let's let's call it 15 15 ish years the iphone's been out. And we're on iPhone 15. That's fucking crazy. That's fucking nuts. Even like the video games, video game consoles

have done a pretty good job. Like, PlayStation 4 lasted a long fucking time. These people just make new shit every two years and then

hop in their back end and intentionally sabotage the current piece of technology you have. Fuck that. That's over. That's the common sense rule. We all know you're doing it. We can't prove it, but we know it. Common sense rule. If we catch you doing that, you're fucking out. iPhones and iPads and all that, you can only put one out every five years. So make it count. Put all your technology into that shit now.

Maybe you can have some upgrades that people can purchase when new technologies come out, but you don't have to buy the whole new fucking thing anymore. Those iOS updates can actually be real updates with new technology if you need it. But you can't fuck us every single year.

And I don't think you should be allowed to change the port charging port. Yes, all of that shit. The chargers, the plugs, the accessories, And I don't think you should be allowed to change the port charging. Yes. All of that shit. The chargers, the plugs, the accessories, the cases. Like, we're going to move the thing from here to there, so your old case doesn't work. Fuck all of that. You're done boning us like that.

We've got to fix the grocery stores. Namely, the checkout. Self-checkout, by the way, taking over, where we are probably going to no longer pay any employees. So there's a cost that the grocery store should pass on to us and not charge us fucking like $9 for a box of cereal now. But that's a whole other argument for another day. Self-checkout. I'm a huge self-checkout guy, but we're not there yet. Not every store. Some stores have the best computers and the best technology, and it's like bingo, bango, bongo, you are in and out. But some of them, they're not scanning right away, and you have to put it in the

right place so the weight stays there. And then it asks you about coupons and this and that, and old people can't figure out. And it holds up the self-checkout line and ends up being easier to go to the people checkout line, which defeats the whole fucking purpose. I will invest like billions of dollars, trillions of dollars into the self-checkout lane in the grocery stores so that you can get your shit and get out. And yes, i know everyone's gonna steal a few things big fucking deal i steal everybody steals like one thing when they're doing self checkout apparently uh walmart is now taking away the self checkout because they're they

calculate they're losing too much money which i feel like if walmart's starting that there might be because of people stealing because people stealing so there might be all right so maybe we gotta crack down then but again you're walmart you're probably blaming it on inflation too these are made up fucking things if you're really losing that much money we'll figure out they do have those cameras on you now i think okay i'll meet you in the middle what we will do is i will create a a social media account on TikTok Twitter Instagram and everything

I will let 50 Cent run it one of the best guys when it comes to just roasting people on the internet right we're gonna film all you guys checking out

and when you get caught we send the footage to 50 and he plasters your face on all of these accounts which i'm gonna it's gonna be a government decree everyone has to follow this account so it is gonna have like 400 million followers and you're gonna get flamed for being a cheap asshole who stole like a bag of apples by the funniest person on the internet and 50 is like allowed to like go out whatever like whatever he can say whatever you want you're a fucking pedophile apparently that's what we're doing rap now we just fucking

lie so yeah he can say whatever he wants so you will be publicly shamed if you steal that's up to you yeah uh also in terms of just check out of anywhere in general we are going to uh uh what's the word uh we're going to have uniform tap across the board yeah some places are still asking you to plug in no some places ask you to insert uh do your pin some places don't no the easiest simplest thing it's either your phone or your card you tap and it just says authorized good to go. That's it. And don't ask me about the receipt. I don't want the receipt.

And any receipt over eight, six inches, you're getting fined by the Federal Tree Commission. Those fucking long ass receipts with coupons and shit that nobody fucking looks at, I don't want them. Do I want my receipt? No. The only thing people want receipts for are things that they're charging to their company. You buy a gallon of milk, I don't need the fucking receipt. I'm not going to charge that.

I don't need that for my IRS shit. Credit scores. Credit scores were changing. I don't really know how, but I know that they fuck over a lot of people. And people who don't who don't use credit cards if you are smart and you spend cash and don't ever live above your means and whatever goes out comes in and you make sure you have money those people who don't have credit

can't get a loan those are like the most uh, uh, like what's the word? The people who don't use credit cards are, are like the smartest, most frugal people. They know how to control their spending, but you can't get a mortgage because you, you, you, you don't have credit. It's better to have bad credit, but show that you've used a credit card before. And they're like, we're going to fuck you on the APR percentage apr percentage so whatever but you don't have credit at all nope you don't get it's crazy crazy i do believe credit score is actually like helps the world in a big way because i think before that they just based it on like race and religion and shit by the way religion

uh you're done i don't know i'm abolishing religion no more of this shit. I know I can't abolish religion, but we are absolutely separating it out. Marriages, no longer. If you have a separation of church and state is back, baby. You're not, any money that gets donated to the church, total and utter scam. The government's stepping in on that. I believe that's all tax exempt for the religions. Fuck that. If you're paying any money, it's going to a better cause.

Actually, really, all charities, all these charities, I've learned so much that all the charities we do here, where we just give it to someone directly, the amount, I learned the other day that like the Red Cross, which is like, you know, the most well-known like 4% of the money actually makes it to the to the people. It's something like 90% goes to the people running it and like infrastructure and all this shit where it's basically just one giant fucking money laundering scam. And that was like the ones I thought were good. Can't even imagine the ones that are blatantly shady so i learned like through doing all of our donations all the time it's like just

charities have to be straight up real you have to you have to donate like 90 of it has to be flipped the other way and that and i know i i mean obviously a lot of this is me just venting and i know a lot of these things i'm speaking on are probably like harder to enact than I mean. But like Dave – what Dave did with the small business fund was basically what taxes should be. Taxes is the greatest scam of all. that we need to pay for infrastructure and schools and roads, all these things that society likes to have and have updated, you need somebody to pay for them. And that's what taxes are. But I feel like we can pay that amount of money and then not upcharge the rest of us through the fucking ass to pay out to all these politicians so they line their pockets. So just have a

reasonable amount of taxes. Because what Dave did was like the way taxes should work it was like we all chipped in and helped out the people and i know of course when you're running a country that's got 400 million people and 3 000 miles wide and all different types of people it's not that easy but it was not you know it was still a 40 million fund. And we just picked like who got it and why, and it helped out the people. It seems like that's a good way to do things. Like, how is that? Why is there not another big scam is health insurance. And that's one that I feel that's near and dear to me because I've had so many surgeries and gone through so much insurance bullshit that it's, it's like you pay money every month for some shit that is not happening. Nothing is going wrong. And then when you go wrong, you still have to pay

a boatload of money. And so yeah, we covered it, but we covered like 40%. What the fuck is that? The whole system there is broken. And I'm thinking to myself, if Dave can do something like that with small businesses, why are there not alternative options where you can just do that for health care? Like, we all agree to put in our own money. And if something goes wrong that month, that day, that week, Jackie needs it. Okay, you get your surgery. You know, next month I'm sick and I need to go to the hospital. You can donate. You know, it's almost like a donation but it's like if you knew the people or you knew it was like a smaller network of people be like all right because every time we

do something nice for like a police officer uh or any anytime tragedy strikes people are like can i can i donate more we'll buy the t-shirt but I just donate? Well, if it was like we have a stoolie healthcare group and it's like this guy, you know, his baby's sick. I think we would all just give money to help. But when it's this gigantic system that's so utterly corrupt and everyone knows it and everyone hates it, how is there not some like I guess privatized version of that where it's like just come over here and we will we'll do that for you and i know it seems like well how how can you do that but it's like i don't know dave somehow pulled it off dave just pulled it off for business like that so why can't we do something similar for health care because that's the biggest fucking scam in the world when you think you're covered and then all of a sudden it's like, well, yeah, you're covered by 80%, but the hospital is going to charge you $180,000.

Well, 20% of that is going to fucking ruin my life. And you know what's even worse? I think there are certain states where if you don't have insurance, you get taxed heavier. So they force you in to this broken system. And what really pisses me off, what I felt directly other than I've had so many surgeries, I have to pay so much money, is when people keep a shitty job because they have benefits, that sucks. When there's someone who could have been a blogger or a comedian or something cool and and uh creative and like you know actually productive for the world and they're like i know but i need i need my insurance so like i gotta just stay at this job it is sucking the life out of me like i had to pay i almost didn't take this job because of insurance and i ended up paying for cobra insurance like out of my ass every month because

i was like i have too many injuries. I need to have insurance. And I took that leap. But I'm sure there's a ton of people who don't. And they let a good job go by because they just have to have insurance. When if there was another option that's like, we're going to, like I said, crowdsource it or whatever. It's like a GoFundMe almost. Something bad happened.

Give these people the money. Of course, my platform has to do something about television. We're going to have to make some sort of flat rate where you get all the different streaming services. We're basically going back to cable. We got to fix that issue. universal rule that every television show has to be you can drop the first three all at once and then we have to go week to week we are going to be a country that does week to week television that is when television was amazing we're not doing this bin shit or it doesn't leave any room for for conversation we will be a week to week country when it comes to television entertainment you

can binge it in other countries you want to you want to go cross the border you can binge it all there but in america within these borders we're going week to week i'll allow you to drop three in the beginning so you get that little binge effect and then from there on out every single week we will tune in also every every new episode of any television show will have a previously on. And it will recap what happened last episode. And anytime you're starting a new season, you will have like a five-minute recap. Here's everything that's happened seasons one through four because we're about to start season five. These shows be coming out like 18 months apart.

It's like I don't remember what was going on it was two years ago because we had a writer's strike and we had a pandemic and this actor dropped out and this person left i need to know what's going on previously on every single episode recaps every single season in i will have my uh in my cabinet i will have some sort of linguistics expert and they will be coining a term that captures the phrase, I'm sorry I didn't text you back. I looked at it. I saw it. I told myself to reply, but I didn't because I was busy or depressed or didn't know what to say. And I told myself I would get back to you later. And then later came around and I totally forgot about it. And now it's been two days and I went to text you

and I opened it up and I realized I left you hanging. And now I don't know what to say. One word that sums all that up. And you can just write that back. And the person has to go, oh, okay, got it. You weren't blowing me off. You weren't being disrespectful. You were just blah, blah, blah. And I don't know what the word needs to be.

I'm not Shakespeare. I can't come up with a word that sounds good for that but somebody needs to combine the term like apologize with lazy depression apollo apollo oppression i apollo oppression and it's like boom that means i was depressed and i didn't reply to your texts and i apologize done because we all experience that be like a diagnosis because there's like people who do that and people who don't right and it's like the that and people who don't do that right and it's like the to the people who don't do that you don't understand how non-offensive it should be like how i'm not blowing you off in any way it's just that i looked at it and i was watching something on television i was doing something i i i do you know i care about what you're talking

about i will answer you i just didn't right now. It's truly no disrespect. But the people who do reply can't like fathom that because they're like, I wrote back because I don't want to hurt this person's feelings. And it's like, well, you are right. Yeah. But we are depressed and or whatever, you know, we have some sort of anxiety. So one word to sum all that up. This might be a regional thing, but going back to

stop scamming 2024, street cleaning. This is a New York thing. I don't know if they do it in other places. Street cleaning is the single biggest scam in the history of public works. If you're in New York or the suburbs surrounding it, certain sides of the street you can't park on. And if you do, you get a fucking $100 ticket. And all they do is come by

with a goddamn Zamboni with a spinning brush that just kicks all this dirt up into the air and then it just falls right back fucking down all over the place. then it just falls right back fucking down all over the place and it allows you to pick up $100 tickets,

bam, bam, bam, bam, because there are people who are like, oh, I'll move it in the morning or read the sign wrong, whatever. $100 a pop every single time. We're probably funding, you know, half of the goddamn government in New York with street cleaning.

So fuck that. Unless you're actually going to clean these streets and not just dust them up, you don't get to give me a ticket for that. I will be abolishing funerals. No more funerals. Funerals are one of the biggest rackets ever. We all put social pressure on people who just experienced a tragedy. We have to have a wake.

We have to have a funeral. We're going to pay $10,000 for flowers, $10,000 for a casket, $5,000 for flowers. Because if we don't, we look like we didn't love this person. We need to celebrate them, all that shit, blah, blah, blah. No fucking way. The people who own funeral homes

are the biggest scumbag cheats in the whole world. And they portray themselves as like, we're here for you in your time of loss, but here's a box that we're going to bury in the ground. You got to pay $10,000 for it. And all the money that you might've gotten from insurance or inheritance is going to go right to these fucking assholes. So in America, no, no funerals can be over a certain amount of money. And it's going to be like 500 bucks. Cause what we should all do is just throw them in the dirt. Throw them in the garbage like Frank. Toss me out with the trash.

I'm dead. I don't need you to spend all this money on me. Funerals abolished. Thinking about abolishing weddings altogether. But I understand that's maybe a little too progressive for you guys. Monogamy still has its place in society, so I will allow monogamy. But one, you do not mix finances and taxes and government business with your irrational romantic relationship.

That doesn't happen. You can say it in the eyes of the Lord and say forever, but it's not like we're going to mix all of our – everyone has a prenup. Everything stays separate. That is just a baseline guarantee. Everyone who gets married has to sign a prenup. Whether you're rich or you're poor, it doesn't matter. Your finances and your property and all that shit will be protected because it doesn't make sense to take all your hard-earned work and money, which is something that's very tangible and real, and mix it with the thing that you're most irrational about.

Your love is blind. Love knows no bounds. You're doing ridiculous shit, and you're going to lose money or your job or whatever, your career, your equity, all that over that. No, no, no. Everyone gets a prenup, and you don't even have to have the conversation of like, hey, can you sign this, because it's mandatory, also, paternity tests, 99, 90%, let's say, of people don't need this, but for the people out there who are getting scammed by baby mamas and shit, and you, like, I can't get the paternity test, because I don't know how to ask for it, and I have doubts about this, well, what if just every time the baby's born, you sign the certificate, you get this and you also say, bam, here's the paperwork saying that this is your kid. No doubts about it. No one can ever scam you again and make you pay for a baby that's not yours.

Along the same lines of marriages, when it comes to weddings, all wedding vendors will be watched by government entities like they are goddamn terrorists because that's what the fuck they are. They just take a zero and tack it on. Something that should cost $500 costs $5,000. Something that should cost $5,000 costs $50,000. You can call up a wedding vendor to make your cake. And if you say this is a wedding cake, it's going to be like a thousand bucks. You call up and say, I want a cake that looks exactly the same. And you just have it say,

congratulations. And they don't know what's for a wedding. It'll probably be like $300. And they do that for everything. Every single thing, the photography jacked up, the centerpieces jacked up, the plates, the cost of the plates, jacked up. The DJ, the band. Everyone knows that we are this ridiculous country that has to blow. And again, that might be regional. But so maybe more northeast, whatever. Going to blow a bag, an amount of money that could be a down payment on a house or something to build your future.

And they know it. And they're just going to hold you by your dumb fucking balls until you pay all the money. Nope. I'm protecting you from yourself. I know this is capitalism. People will pay whatever they want. No, I am protecting you from these scumbags who just add a zero onto things that don't need that much money, that should not require that much money at all. We're done with that. Now all that money can go to something better, and then your life is better, and you'll thank me later. Yeah, your wedding wasn't maybe the best. I don't know. Maybe the vendors will drop out because they don't have as much money in this industry anymore. Trust me, you'll be fucking fine. It's one night. A couple more here and then we'll wrap it up. I don't know how I'm

going to enforce this. We're going to do something with 5G. And you know how they've been saying that when 5G comes out, it's going to be, the road is going to be a smart road, like, it's going to, like, the street is going to be, like, it can tell you information about driving, that's how we're going to have driverless cars and all that shit, we're also going to have some sort of, if you rubberneck while you're driving meaning if you slow down to look at an accident that's on the other side of the fucking highway and it causes traffic on this side of the highway we're gonna see how many miles per hour you're driving while you look at this fucking accident somehow some way we're going to enforce this and if you do that you lose your license forever one strike and you're done when i. When I sit in like 10 minutes of traffic and then I get to it and I realize that my street, my road, my highway is completely fine.

And it's just people slowly driving, looking. I want to cause an accident. I want to fucking hit all of them with my car and be like, well, now we're going to have real traffic because I just ran you over with my goddamn car. Somehow, someway, I will enforce that. If you rubberneck, boom, license gone forever. Last couple, recycling's not real. I feel like we spend a lot of time saying that these things are recycled or that this is going green or this is helping the environment. All of it's fake. None of it's real. I don't care. It all goes in one big landfill. I don't want to hear otherwise stop spending money on recycling programs and spend more on you know fixing the grocery store checkout

and finally last but not least i think mouthwash is a scam i don't think mouthwash is really necessary you're gonna tell me after i like brush my fucking teeth and maybe even floss that i also need this this one last little what what is that and i feel like dentists push it big dentist is out here telling me i gotta do mouthwash i mean it's good when you're like in a jam but people like do it every night it's like you just like scrubbed them down and got in between them and now you need like a once over. You just did all that. Big scam. No mouthwash. Stop scamming 2024. Vote for me.

All right. Let's get into some voicemails. Remember, at the end of every month, there will be someone who wins $1,000 for the best voicemail. I just Venmo'd our boy, the Boston Strangler, the other day. He had the best voicemail for the month of April. We are now into May. You got a couple more weeks to submit your video. Best story, best question, best hypothetical. If we will put at the end of the month,

we will put it all on social media. There'll be a vote, top four, top five voicemails. Whoever gets voted in as the funniest will get $1,000 cash from me. So if you've been sitting on your story or you got a great question or you need to make some extra cash, tell us your best story, send in a video.

You click on any of the links in the bio for social media and it has the link where you can submit the video. You don't have to show your face, although that's highly encouraged and will go a long way to making it to the final four or final five, but you do have to film like something. Don't just film a black screen. Show me where you are or point the camera at your shoes or whatever it is. So yeah, you can tell your crazy story. You have to give us some visual. Don't have to show your face, but let it rip. Best stories wins cash now now hey guys um i have a quick question i was

listening to your podcast and i guess that this just kind of came into my head i already know what john's answer is gonna be but would you rather have like your dream girl tense across the board funny quirky like anything that you could imagine. She is your like, if you were to weird science it, she is your perfect person. But you can only have sex with her once a year. And if you were to like jerk off or anything can't be pictures of her like other people sure, but like can't nothing connected to her. Or would you rather be with like a two that is probably kind of annoying, like, doesn't really leave you alone, or just, like, not, you just kind of, like, tolerate her,

but you can have sex with her any time that you want. It's just, like, beck and call. I think that's too much of an extreme. Thanks, bye. beck and call i think that's too much of an extreme i think i think it can't be like a two if we're gonna be so archaic and use the 10 point scale we're more progressive here at kfc radio uh you know you have to be attracted to the person you're with so like i think it's better to say like a 10 versus like this is a girl you would regularly hook up with and have sex with. You're not like, I'm dating fucking Rumpelstiltskin over here because I get to have sex with her.

Because, you know, I'll take the. It's a no question. It's not a question. It's not a question. Because if, by the way, like, you're not allowed to jerk off to like your wife's like no fucking kidding nobody does that you're a fucking loser you can love the shit out of your wife and love fucking her if you if you're fantasizing about her every time you're a fucking weirdo right same thing both ways you're fantasizing about your boyfriend it's like come on but do

you think if you only actually had sex with them like technically if you've been married for three years like three times so the problem is the problem is if you don't have sex in a marriage you are fucked you're fucked it will it will someone will cheat or you'll grow and resent each other, it will not work. But if it's like perfect otherwise and you almost have, you almost need to be like in an open relationship, but that's too much having your cake and eating it too. It's like you have this perfect person, they only fuck you once a year,

but you're allowed to like have someone on the side it's like well that's having everything so i don't know i think i think it depends on what how old you are and where you're at in life if you're dating if you're married to someone in your 20s and 30s and you're not having sex like it's gonna be a problem but do you think it'd be like less of a problem if there's an understanding like this genie just yeah lets us have one time a year yes that that changes everything if it's like hey we can't have sex yeah you're i think you're in a better spot it's when it's like oh you choose to not have sex with me yeah it's like you are you don't like me you're not attracted to me whatever it is that's where

you start to have problems. If it was like, hey, we have so much fun every other minute of our lives because we signed this fucking magic thing. What would be cool about that is it would probably help. It would still be very hard to overcome, but it would probably help. But that one day a year or that one time a year, you would be doing some fucking. That would be some sex right there uh and would it be like a designated day or would it be like you just you when you're feeling it you pick yeah but then it's like oh shit it's it's it's february and we're done for the year and there's so much pressure on you if you oh imagine you have a bad night as a guy oh yeah yeah yikes i don't know uh i think if you're later in life you know

having a partner who's just like your perfect match sex once a year i mean there's probably a lot of people that have that where it's just like i don't know you're you know you are the parent that i parent with you're the person i travel with you're the person i we watch tv together we just don't really have sex anymore. But you know, that's for when you're like 60, anything before that. It's like, why are we not having sex?

I, I don't know. I do not have an answer because you can tell me you can have sex with this too. I, I'm not one of those guys. It's like, I'll hit it. Like whatever,

still hit it. Like if you're gross, I gross i or i i don't find you attractive and i'm sure if there are people who don't find me attractive wouldn't fuck me like i don't want to do it she said like they're annoying and they like are clingy yeah like that's the worst that's the last thing i want to fuck it's too much of a too much so if it's like perfect match but only sex once a year versus like they are attractive enough but they do have like a lot of personality things that bother you but like sex is amazing yeah then i don't know i think i'm taking the let's say six out of ten because i think no matter what eventually you start to get on each other's nerves and all those things that you like loved is like eventually

you're just like it doesn't feel as although i guess if you're saying you are truly a perfect match you would that wouldn't get old because you'd be like you're just so good to be around all the time i'm taking that because you know what sex is like even when you're having it it's it takes up 0.01 of your life yeah and if the rest of your life is annoying you can't do that but i will say it's hard it's gonna be hard to maintain that if you're not having sex even if they're perfect so that's a doozy that is a doo's up, gang? So the other night I'm brushing my daughter's teeth, and she's two, so she's fighting me tooth and nail the entire way. And it got me thinking, what if there was a little pop-up bar that showed up,

almost video game style, that would let you know how far you were in a certain task? So if I'm halfway through, I'm able to look up and see, like, okay, I got these teeth mostly clean. It just got me thinking, what if that was something that you were able to choose for anything in life? Now, we all know what the implications of this might be, but I just want to get your guys' opinion. Wait, what are the implications? What you would pick out if you had anything unique that if you could just snap your fingers and a little progress bar would show up to let you know how far you were i don't know i think he's saying sex it's gotta be

something sexual but that sounded very ominous like i mean there'd be a ton of women out there just being like show me the bar like i was gonna say as a girl it's like this is gonna be five minutes this is gonna be 25 minutes yeah yeah yeah let me know but i feel like uh this is really like the invention of gps like knowing when you're in traffic and it's gonna end yeah is back in the day when you're in when you're in traffic and it's stopped and you're just like this might be four hours for all i know yeah i have no idea we put on the fucking radio and try to hear like the chopper traffic update but knowing that like this shitty thing that i'm enduring is going to end at this point is a lifesaver so like you know you you go to a meeting at work and it's like this

person babbles all the time and you can have the bar and you either know to like put them on mute and do some other shit or you're like oh my god he's only gonna talk for like two minutes today this is amazing so pretty much anything you don't want to you know deal with so any of that stuff travel and and just shitty shitty like work and stuff like that but i guess sex too for girls if you're like all right i gotta pull out some of my best moves to wrap this up quickly because we gotta go it's mostly like blowjobs. Yeah, I can imagine that. Because that's like time.

It feels longer when you're doing CPR. And it's like even if you know around what time it should be, you kind of lose track of time. It's like this feels like it's going on forever. I can't even imagine it. I try so hard you try to i try so hard to come as fast as i can because i'm like this is you're putting in fucking work down there and especially now yeah your tears there's spits like a whole production and it's like i want this to go on forever but i genuinely feel like this it it's rude i feel like

it's rude as a guy to sit there and like think about grandma think about dead grandma you know what i mean like come on you can do that for sex just get through if you if you finish in one in 30 seconds i thrilled thrilled it's funny to think of like how many like if you if you were to say like uh I'll be there in five minutes, it's like, that means nothing. Suck somebody's dick for five straight minutes. It's a lot. I can see that being a lot where it's like, you got to feel, in five minutes, you probably do, like, hundreds of head bobs and, like, that's a lot.

In one world, five minutes means nothing in that world five minutes can mean an eternity what is up kfc radio crew so i am fresh off a trip to miami i was just listening to your guys uh weekend recap of la and i thought you guys might appreciate the way this one got away from us a little bit. We learned a couple things on this trip. One, got to utilize the buddy system much better. Two, masturbate before we leave the hotel and those two don't have to be used at the same time. And three, 24 hours might be too many hours in the day. Um, so a couple, a couple of highlights here. If you want to hear more of them or go more into detail, let me know.

Um, off the plane in the club, end up at a strip club, uh, got robbed by what in hindsight, I'm pretty sure it was a prostitute, uh. Did a comedy set for the bouncers outside. They loved it. I tried to keep it rolling. Turns out 5 a.m. when people are leaving the club, they are not as happy as you are sometimes. So almost had a fight there. Go to Hotel St. Regis. Very, very nice hotel.

We had no business being at. Drank at the bar there. They had us saber bottles. We go to Hotel St. Regis, a very, very nice hotel we had no business being at, drank at the bar there. They had us saber bottles. We go to leave. We can't have our Uber come up here to pick us up, so we walk out to the street where there's a bunch of police cars. I asked them what's going on. Turns out Max Verstappen is staying at at that hotel which makes sense because we were there for formula one and uh our uber driver tried to get into the middle of their convoy as they were leaving with max in one of the cars and their lead security team car uh cut us off and windows rolled down and it was that scene in sicario at the border crossing. Four dudes with guns just pointed straight at us. So that was cool, I guess. Yeah, a lot of things that just kind of got a little crazy.

So if you guys want to hear more about it, I can go into more details, but we promised to keep this trip anonymous when we came back. Nobody's talking about what's happening. I want to make clear for the contest, you can tell a good story but it's got to have like a question at the end or like like the boston strangler was great because it was like would you do that this is just like some wild shit happened to you guys what's the what's the what's the craziest thing you've encountered like this guy saying like a bunch of guys popped out with guns like at your car being like i don't know put your fucking hands up what's like the craziest thing you've ever experienced where you're like oh fuck this is

gonna go bad um i don't know do you have something i mean i've been robbed at gunpoint and and i've also been uh at fordham there was a white castle right on fordham road and there was kind of like the bars and the late night food spots that college kids went to and then there was uh places that the locals went to and white castle was kind of like in between where it's like it's gonna be a bunch of drunk kids getting burgers but they'll also be like local guys from the bronx there that like you don't fuck with and uh they just were they were just picking a fight with us you know and they were like just clowning us just being like look at these goofy white boys you know and we were uh eating like eating our food i don't know why we were eating maybe we were already eating our food sitting down we should have just got up and left but they were like throwing full sodas at us and like burgers at us and shit and i was like we're going to get like we're gonna get stomped out if

we choose to fight here but they're like throwing full drinks at us like what what do we do there so that was we i mean we ran away there it It was another time where a guy, like an asshole – we were crossing the street at Fordham and some asshole like zipped by like really close to us. And my brother like went like that and like hit the back of his car but just like with his hand or whatever. And the guy stopped and got out and was this monster dude and like the know the kind of guy you don't want to fuck with and he was like you know you gotta pay me for the damage and we were like I don't even know how that one resolved we were both very fucked up there

but the gunpoint robbing was very it was very like calm in the moment nonchalant I think was it was a young guy and i think i was i did not ever think like this guy's going to shoot me like he put he put the gun in my neck i was like i just was like this guy's not gonna blow my head off

yeah you know but how do you know i don't i mean maybe that was just maybe that was reckless of me to think that but he got like seven bucks for me you know like we had no money we're college kids yeah and I never and like I just went we just like continued our walk home we went back to the dorm and like kind of we're just like that was crazy and then like probably like a couple weeks later I had like my sleepwalking incident and fucked everything up so I probably was like not processing something like that happening and didn't it wasn't like I would go back out like when i left campus being like oh my god i'm gonna get robbed again like it wasn't like that but somewhere in my body

was probably like freaking out you know yeah yeah but um but you really like i was no hero i was not like let's fight this guy it was funny because the guy i was with i've told the story before but the guy i was with was like known for bar fights and like beating dudes up and shit yeah and he wisely was like you know we're not fighting this guy but i was like where the fuck where the fuck was tough guy on that one huh so but yeah it was no like oh if i ever if someone ever did that to me i would take the gun and i would it was just like nope here's money please don't kill me but yeah we gave like and then it was funny we like told we eventually told like the ra and shit and they like called the police yeah and the police showed up and they were like you know they had a fucking binder of like they were like is it this guy is this guy is this guy's like i have no idea they were like yeah we're not catching this guy it was

just like it just happened that's it there's no yeah there's no way no idea. They were like, yeah, we're not catching this guy. It was just like, it just happened. That's it. There's no way to stop this. At USC, people were always getting held up because it was like USC area, South Central. A lot of colleges are in bad areas. And they just have this bubble where it's like really, really nice. And then right outside of it, it's like, don't fuck around. Yeah. Nothing ever happened. The only thing is like a homeless man, like I was just walking.

He just like, he just like stuck his foot out and foot out and just tripped me. Did you fall? Yeah. Like, like fell bad. Fully fell. That's pretty bad. And then he laughed.

And then he laughed. Were you solo? Mm-hmm. Did you like cut up your knees and shit? I had like a little bit of a scrape and I had like a mark from where his shoe was, but I just remember like, what did you do? I can't do anything about it.

Did you laugh? I felt like such yeah i mean i immediately just like told my friends it was like the girls getting punched type thing right yeah yeah like texting my friend right but that was the only you're never gonna believe what just happened i have so many dude the other day the other day somebody was like had like uh recognized me like seen some videos and they're like oh i saw you like homeless man video and i was like oh yeah when i went out with homeless man and they're like no and i was like i was like oh oh that one the fact that you have multiple homeless men wait what were they talking about so then i was like i was like oh is it how i like the me thinking that

the homeless man on my street's a spy i talked about this with john on an episode got it and he goes no no he's like you let you let like somebody into your apartment and i'd forgotten about the that homeless man story so i was like oh yeah i let the your apartment. And I'd forgotten about that homeless man story. So I was like, oh, yeah, I let the boy sleep in my apartment. He's like, you let the homeless man sleep in your apartment? I was like, I need you to specify. Which story are you talking about? Crazy statement, but I have a lot of interactions with homeless guys.

That is very funny. When you have like five homeless guys stories, that's five too many. You get one. You get one. God damn. Yeah. All right.

That's it. Send in your voicemails and we'll see you in a couple days. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.