KFC Radio - KFC is Quitting Watching Sports Forever

Episode Date: September 28, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Feits keeps sleep-eating ice cream - Kevin is officially done with the Jets (we’ll see) -Nick recaps the Dirty Circus -Jackie recaps Sunday football -Top 5 Playground games -Voicemails -marry fuck kill - Most inappropriate time to start drinking - Pissing contest Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. You would not make that chair! Bro, I'm telling you, I could be... That chair is like fucking 12 feet away. I could be close. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's Clancy and Feidelberg. I'm back after a week off uh where i mean talk about inmates

running the asylum man talk about when the cat's away the mice will play what other other you whatever euphemism you want to use for just absolute shit show but i also feel like um the uncle buck like analogy is perfect that was so funny the photoshops of you as Uncle Buck I just texted them I texted everyone that morning I was like hey guys

looks like it's just us today everyone needs to bring things to talk about but I liked it like I don't know I think that like

three topics idea works yeah three subs cause I was thinking like you know the show has had like so many been around for so long there's been so many iterations

of it where it was like in the beginning it was just voicemails and then dan and then no dan and then asa and then no asa and then sometimes it was just free flowing for an hour and then we had no guests then we had guests then we then we find like one of our latest reinventions was we we do tuesday thursday i'm on the asshole top fives we have the structure to it but we've also been doing that for like several years now so it might be time to fucking switch it all up uh and then you know sometimes i think like maybe so maybe that's what we do from now on and then sometimes i also think we can just keep doing the same thing because i come back to the fucking show and there's a goddamn ball gag attached to his microphone and i'm like i guess things are just going you know it's, oh, we're in a rut.

We're not. We're not in a rut when people have ball gags attached to their microphones. But we do have some new things because I do like when everyone talks a lot more. Yeah. Yeah. I'd like to hear about your night last night. And you, you got football knowledge for us today? Yeah.

Yeah. Jackie knowledge on anything. I don't care. Yeah. Oh, and Nick also, Nick had a great weekend. Yeah. We got to do. We got to do. That's what I mean. Like, Yeah. Oh, and Nick also, Nick had a great weekend. Yeah. We got to do, we got to do. That's what I mean.

Oh, and Pat was at fucking Factory this weekend. It doesn't have to be our show anymore. Like, we've told all of our, well, I've told all my stories. You just keep pulling them out of your asshole. I don't know. Speaking of that, I got to do one thing I learned this week. It's going to be about things going in my ass. Literally pulling things out of my asshole.

So, yeah, like, we can do whatever. Yeah, I got the group text from KFC Radio can range from all work to what did Nick text? It was like, I just watched a guy, like, chop his dick off or something. You watched a girl get a gun shoved up her ass. Yeah, a gun. That was the one that was like, whoa! So we got a lot to talk about there. There was a twist to that, too, that I found out later.

With the pointy trigger? Imagine putting a gun up someone's ass and pulling the trigger. Bro, that, oh! What a fucking nightmare that would be. See a screenshot of it. Never mind, that's going to get saved for Am I the Asshole, I guess. We'll have Am I the Asshole next week, our next episode. Today, we got a top five for you.

Of course, voicemails. No guests, so it's just a wacky time. It's a wacky show. I got something fucking bad. Yeah? Yeah, man. How bad is it? It's pretty bad.

It's not like I'm going to get arrested for it. I mean, I would hope. It's not like I'm going to get arrested for it. I mean, I would hope. It's not perverted. It's something that I've started doing lately, and I don't know how to stop it. Is it food related? It's food related. Okay. Is it breakfast, lunch, or dinner related?

None. Let's do 20 questions. I actually kind of hinted at it with Zach the other day. But it's hot. The fucking – I hinted at it with Zach during his story with sleepwalking. And I made a joke about it, but I just kind of said like, oh, yeah, like I sleepwalk and eat. Oh, yeah. Oh, is this a real thing, John?

This is a real fucking thing, man. What have you been eating in your sleep? I mean, I eat everything, but mainly... Pickles? Cheese? Do you think I could guess it? Is it guessable? No. Yeah, no, it's definitely guessable. It's very common.

But, dude, this is so... I don't even know if I want to let you guess. I was going to show you the pictures of how I woke up this morning, okay? Wait, am I about to see, like, your bedroom or the kitchen? Kitchen. Okay. And me on the couch. I still sleep on the couch.

It's still too cold. Okay. I mean, it looks like there's shit all over your hands. Oh, my God. Bro, I – You're just eating pints of ice cream? With your hands? Are you just eating ice cream with your hands? Oh my god Bro I You're just eating pints of ice cream With your hands Are you just eating ice cream with your hands

I wake up and eat I have no memory of this And I do I've been doing it It's been regular Like I keep four pints of ice cream in my fridge Cause I wake up and they're gone and in the trash I swear to god

You eat four pints of ice cream in the morning No no no I just want to make sure There's a bunch in there in case I go through one. Okay, okay. But I swear to God I have no memory of it. I woke up this morning, and the pictures, I'll include them so you can post them. I am confused.

I don't know why it looks like I'm covered. I woke up, I was like, oh, my God, what happened? That looks like if knowing you in this later stage in life, if I woke up and saw your hands like that, I'd be like, he was playing with his own shit. He was like, he wiped his ass. I was going to say fingering girl on her period, but sure. No, that looks like shit hands to me.

That is a... When I'm fingering, you know I'm hitting this anyway. When I'm fingering like that, when I'm like fucking 12 again. But I had ice cream in my mustache. I had ice cream on my chin. I had ice cream on my nose. I had ice cream on my shirt. I had ice cream on my hands.

I had two spoons, which fucking implies that I took two separate trips in my sleep that I fucking went up again. One of the spoons I destroyed. I mean, bent like Magneto, bro. I assume Magneto bent it with his brain. It must've been the first trip and it was still pretty hard. Yeah.

And I guess it fucking warmed up by the second trip. But one spoon, I just, I ruined a metal spoon unconsciously eating ice cream. And that means it's time for a talk, Kevin. That's intervention status where it's like, like you need to like lock your fridge to lock your freezer up at night.

I don't. And guess what? Bag of Sour Patch Kids? Oh, God. See ya. Like, I don't. See ya. I have no memory.

None. Are you taking like Ambien or something? Oh, also, nope. Taking nothing. Natural. Nothing but just fucking good hard day's work putting me to sleep. Nope. No smoking.

No nothing. I am. It is. Because you know there's stories. Oh, by the way. I am. It is. Because you know their stories. Oh, by the way, I went down, took down two bags of 3D Doritos as well. 3D Doritos? 3D Doritos as well? Took down some chili nacho cheese and some fucking ranch spices.

I hope the camera's right in your face. 3D Doritos as well? You were proving a point. I don't know what to do. Well. And guess what You know what all this dairy means Oh no Wake up with the real toots

I wake up And I go into my bedroom To change Put on clothes Because I don't sleep in my bedroom And I come back Into the living room And I'm like

Jesus Christ What animal is in here Your apartment is officially A goddamn barn Like over here Is where I eat my food out of a trough. Over here is where I just have a corner that I fart and poop in. I'm just covered in food. This couch is where I sleep.

Bro, I have a two-bedroom apartment, and I live in a studio without a bed. You are disgusting. It doesn't make sense. You are disgusting. It doesn't make sense. You are a deplorable man. Have you heard stories of there are people who are on a diet and are gaining weight, and they're like, Doc, this makes no sense. I'm putting on like 20 pounds since I started dieting, and it's because they sleep eat and they don't realize it.

Really? Yeah. Oh, that's just what's happening. The difference is that you're just a child and you leave so much evidence behind. But I guess these people are either just throwing it out or they eat, you know, whatever. I'm going to text these pictures to the group text right now just so everyone else can get a taste of what's happening here. It is.

The bent spoon is really the kicker. Because I'm just thinking about you sleepwalking and being like... And just bending that shit. I'd love to see like step brothers like I got just rolling trash

around me. Can I send you home with a GoPro? Yeah. Or yeah, we at least got to set up like one in the corner

of the room old school MTV style. fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Every area of everything's

gone to shit. I have always thought you know what? Kevin. Yeah. Every single thing's gone to shit. I have always thought, you know what? Kevin. Kevin, right now I'm wearing duct tape on my hat. I like it though. I'm wearing a shirt that's just a soft layer. I'm wearing pants I cut myself. It's all gone to hell.

What's that say? The world is a query and reporting tool this shirt doesn't fit me that shirt sucks this shirt sucks that that shirt looks like prison mike is that why you're wearing it no man that looks like prison mike kevin that legit looks like prison mike kevin i'm gonna ask you a question right now no you got a ball gag let's add that to the list though too you got a ball got a ball gag Yeah. You think I paid for this shirt? Oh, no. You probably paid like $100 for that, didn't you?

I paid $130 for this shirt. I didn't try it on. It's terrible. That shirt sucks. I've been wearing this shirt the whole time. That shirt sucks. Look at this fucking thing. $130? the whole time. That shirt sucks. Look at this fucking thing. 130?

And did the stain come with it? Yeah, it all came with it. No, the stain. This was at a thrift shop? I took it out of the bag today. Everything I'm wearing came with it. No. I mean, it also...

Honestly, I like this shirt. This is cool, sir. It's how it all fits. It's, it also – Honestly, I like this shirt. This is cool shirt. It's how it'll fit. This shirt sucks. It's how it'll fit. This whole thing sucks. And you know what really sucks about it is it's higher in the back than in the front. You know what I mean?

Like it like angles upwards. Put your arms above your head. Yeah, that shirt doesn't fit. That shirt doesn't fit. Yeah, you – Yeah, rock bottom. We're approaching it or redefining it. I woke up covered in ice cream.

We're not approaching it, Kevin. I've always thought we do, like, in this business, we at least always have one last gun in the bullet, so to speak, where we could just say put cameras in my place 24-7. You know that there's, like, an audience for that. You know that if we ever wanted to go full-blown reality show, we could do it. So there's no such thing as

like, we could never go bankrupt. At least for one try, you know what I mean? Because it's like, okay, you're gonna watch me fuck, you're gonna watch me puke, you're gonna watch me live. It's mostly masturbating and ice cream. Yeah. That's a great series name. Masturbation and ice cream.

Hey, man, you see the new episode of M&I? Like, I mean, that's awesome. I would watch it. He's not even enjoying any of it anymore. Man, season two. Season two, the guy. Season two is kind of funny, but season three, he is just. He doesn't like any of it anymore.

He's like Ted Lasso. This is getting dark. Just a guy sleeping on his couch with a pint of ice cream and a hand of cum. He doesn't even put the TV on anymore. He just scrolls Twitter by himself in the dark. You know, season one at least he came home and put the TV on

so there'd be noise in the background. Now he doesn't even turn on the living room lights. Or turn the TV on himself. He just sits there. He's got a broken spoon. A broken spoon, a half-hard dick, and a fucking spilled ice cream bucket.

He throws his hands up every time he wakes up. He's like, fuck it. My hand again. My hand again. I can just see, you know, just snoring, and he wakes up and just kind of sees his paws and sees it and just goes... That's all you see

from the little security camera. So I'm going, nah, fuck. Did it again. You see? See the new episode? We just stood at his chocolatey, hardened ice cream hand and wondered if he should have washed that first

or just go ahead and jerk off with it on it. And what do you think he chose, everybody? Bubbling B, folks. Bubbling option B on the stand. Might as well not put the cart before the horse on this one. I don't want to have to wash my hands twice. And guess what? He washed his hands zero times.

I am actually crying. You got a big fat tear going down that nose here. Goodness. I would have asked, you know, maybe you were on the three cheat. Maybe you popped a gummy. Maybe you ate some of the cookies, Rice Krispie treats, the brownies, or they have the speed balls. You have to eat balls now.

And then maybe, you know, because three cheese is no joke. You get that same exact feeling as eating any other edible, and you can start. You can put food away, but not even under the influence of three cheese, which I'd be scared if you were. Just high on depression, baby. Yes, you know, you get low on depression. It's like a wormhole, and you come out the other side. All of a sudden, it's an upper. My depression's an upper.

No, dude, that's a pint of sugar you're eating. They've got every which way they can get it in your body, though. It's a Delta-8 extract, which means it's a compound if you will i don't know the chemistry behind it but they take out this delta 8 uh ingredient from thc so everything in inside of weed and all your other uh marijuana edibles that gets you the euphoria and the tingles and the good feeling and the laughter uh you pull all that out and they put it into the gummies or the vapes or the edibles, treats, the candies, whatever. And so you get high, you get the euphoria, you get the pain management, you get the anxiety

management, you get the good sleep. And the Delta 8 leaves behind all that paranoia and all the sluggishness and that little hangover you kind of get. So it really is too good to be true. It is true. It's 3Chi. Go to 3Chi.com, the number 3, C-H-I.com. you kind of get so it really is uh too good to be true it is true it's three chi go to three chi.com the number three chi.com you can get the vapes gummies tinctures and oils uh and you can

get five percent off your order when you use the promo code kfc 2021 that's kfc 2021 uh at checkout at three chi.com uh and let the good times roll, baby. Or in John's case, let the depressing bad times roll. Great times. I have no complaints. You know what I love about 3chi? By the way, I did a good job on the reads.

Did you? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He had some good transitions. I know you crushed the opener. Welcome. I forgot to say welcome. Welcome.

Started over. Botched it. That's a botched job Well you lasted Zero episodes I'm so bad at that Yeah It is

We'll do that We'll say that next episode We'll say that every episode Just never do it The greatest Never The Like

Probably one of the most Important things About like Maintaining success I And we stink at Just completely forget it People like it People like this thing I know And we're just like Yeah we'll never do it again about, like, maintaining success, I and we stink at it. Just completely forget it.

People like it. People like this thing. I know. And we're just like, yeah, we'll never do it again. Did it for a week. Yeah. It's like, we could do this every single day and have massive success. We did it once.

Yeah. How about three cheese serving sizes? They have root beer candies now. Are available in packs of six. Oh, yes. 50 and 80. And the eight ball packs are available in five or 25. So you either get a little sugary taste or you get the whole fucking thing.

So I recommend getting the pack of 80 and the pack of 25. 3G.com, promo code KFC2021. I believe we both have important things to say you said you had something important that was it the ice cream rock bottom we have different important levels no no my important is

I can't believe you didn't know right away that was the important thing I'm shocked you thought I had something more important to say than I'm eating ice cream in my sleep Kev that's weird I'm shocked you think that registers something more important to say than, I'm eating ice cream in my sleep. Kev, that's weird. I'm shocked you think that that registers as important. That's just every day, John. Kev, that's... But that's important.

That's the paradox. The paradox of John's life is that nothing that's important is actually important, so that everything becomes important. What could possibly be more important than the fact that I'm waking up covered in ice cream every day? What is bigger than a 33-year-old man with caked on sugar? That's not a big deal for you, bro. It kind of is. Let's poll the room.

Do you think that that was a big deal that John wakes up with ice cream on him? Because I feel like that is par for the course. John has said a hundred times that he wakes up with chips on his chest and shit. You've got things in your pot. Chips are different than ice cream, sir. Chips? It's all snacks. I wake up with chips on my chest.

Guess what? I'm eating the chips. I wake up with ice cream. I'm not licking it off me. Why not? Because it's gross. Come on. There's a line.

I'm not an animal, folks. No. Heavens. Come on. It's also, by the way, it was fish food, so I was covered in ice cream, marshmallow, and caramel. And you just put on a dumb thrift store shirt and came to work.

It's a nice shirt. It just doesn't fit me. It's not a $130 shirt. Are you saying it's not what I pay for? No, no, no. I know you pay for it. Oh, yeah. I'm saying it's not worthy of $ for? No, no, no. I know you pay for it. Oh, yeah. I know you pay that. I'm saying it's not worthy of 130 American dollars. That shirt sucks.

That's a fair criticism. That shirt should have been like $4. What year did you... Who make... Is it like at least a brand? It's just software, bro. Band? No, brand. Oh, no.

No, that's why I like it. It's the software on it, though. You're such an asshole. Dude, we don't do brands on the show anymore, particularly the one on my head. Yeah, fuck that one. Fuck this brand. Fuck that brand. I just happen to like the hat. I know.

And I didn't have time to do my hair this morning because I thought we had a meeting. It turns out we didn't. I threw out a shirt that I liked that I was like, fuck it. My important announcement, I'm done, man. Oh, yeah? I'm just done. Okay. I'm done with sports.

Okay. I was going to say something else because I'm also done with something. So we can do a done segment. No, I want you to go first. I'm just done Okay I'm done with sports Okay I was gonna say something else Because I'm also done with something So we can do a done segment No I want you to go first I'm done Okay I'm really done I mean it this time

Not with the Mets I think I'm done with everybody else Yeah? I want to be mostly done with the Mets They would be my favorite to be done with But I know I can't be Because Like I'm pot committed with the Mets

And there is this like Little bit of hope with Cohen So I at least gotta see that through If the Cohen experiment fails though Then I'm like committed with the Mets and there is this little bit of hope with Cohen, so I at least got to see that through. If the Cohen experiment fails, though, then I'm totally done with everything. I'm done. I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not doing it anymore. All of it is. Watching it, talking about it, content about it, talking to people about it. I'm done. I'm done. Console KFC Sportsman. I can't do it anymore. There's no reason.

Like, there's no reason. So, like, at least last year, I did the goddamn Jets. And that was something to do. And we all turned out, like, funny skits. And we came up with, like, little episodes with themes and great editing. Like, they were, like, little, like, they were episodes of TV. And I'm not doing it this year because our sales team didn't sell it. And I was like, I'm not going to have people work on Sunday nights for something that doesn't even make any money.

But then I started, people were like, we want to see it. We want to watch it. And I was like, what would I say? What would I do? I had an idea the other day to do like Time is a Flat Circle episode. Already did it. We've already done everything. We've already talked about all of these things.

The new coach, the new quarterback. We don't have any weapons. We don't have an offensive line. And there we go again and again. It's just the same thing.. We don't have any weapons. We don't have an offensive line. And there we go again and again. It's just the same thing. And I don't fucking care anymore. I don't fucking care anymore. This game was the least interested I've ever fucking been in a game.

Swear to God. Smoke, 26, rip, nothing. I mean, it was like, but more than that, there was just nothing. Like in the past, we've tanked, so I could root for a loss. Yeah, root for a loss. And then there was a Trevor Lawrence light at the end of the tunnel, so I could think about that. Even when I would tune in and watch Adam Gase, I would just be like,

fuck you, I fuck you, this guy's a joke. So I was watching with hate in my heart. This, there's nothing. You've got a new head coach who is supposed to be good, so I can't, like, you gotta give him more than, like, two fucking games. How's his name pronounced? It's Salah. He doesn't spell it like my Salah, so it's confusing.

He's got seven kids, and he's living in a hotel room. With kids? He's been put up in two hotel rooms right now because of... Did something happen recently, or was it just like construction? Bloody for Ida. Huh?

Bloody for Ida. Ida? Maybe, yeah. Yeah, I think his house got fucked up in the hurricane or something. A professional football coach lives in a basement? Oh, I was thinking he lives in Manhattan. I'm guessing he lives in Jersey. Yeah. Okay.

So now him, his wife, his nanny, and his seven kids live in two hotel rooms. I was like, do you mean two hotel floors? Do you mean like two entire hotels? Like buildings? Because then maybe. That's insanity. He's also a football coach who's like, see you later, guys. I'm going to like, I'm watching tape 24 hours a day at the stadium.

Yeah, yeah. Have fun with this. I'm busy at work. But you can't, like, I'm watching tape 24 hours a day at the stadium. Yeah, yeah. Have fun with this. I'm busy at work. But you can't, like, people say they like him. People say that about Todd Bowles. We've done this game before, too. Where it's like, oh, he comes from a good pedigree and people like him and all that shit. Okay.

They got Joe Douglas. Everyone was like, yeah, he's great. Like, why, what's going on here? Why is your offensive line even shittier? You're not that fucking good. You got Zach Wilson. It's not his fault. We can't blame him yet.

But he threw those fucking picks the other day that was exactly like Geno Smith. It's just all happening again. And I think I'm too goddamn old to do it. I feel foolish, John. I will not be made a fool of. I can't. I think we're a little late on that one. I can't muster up any interest. I can't argue it. I can't muster up any interest.

I can't argue it. I can't laugh about it. I stopped in a bar yesterday, and I was talking to this guy, and he was a Giants fan. He's trying to commiserate with me, and I'm just like, what are we doing here? You're going to talk about how Daniel Jones isn't the guy, and I'm going to talk about how Zach Wilson is probably the same bust he's going to be,

but he'll go somewhere else and thrive like Sam Darnold. It's beneath me, John. It's not interesting. It bores me. There's no value. I get nothing out of it. It's just

why would I do it? I'm done. I'm fucking done. I'm fucking done. I don't give a shit anymore. I like how the Jets ineptitude is so bad or so strong. I don't really know what adjective to use to describe that. Yeah, that's a little bit of a pretzel there. It's like if it was really inept,

is that good? Good ineptitude? Potent? Potent? Sure. Yeah, potently inept. It's like me. I'm potently impotent. Yeah, potently inept. It's like me. I'm potently impotent. Yeah, I was going to say. Sounds like you're talking about my dick. Potently inept.

But they're not going to take advantage of the Adam Gase bump, which I just learned about. Adam Gase, the Adam Gase bump. Everywhere he leaves, the team's good the next year? Not good. Great. Super Bowl? Starting, Kevin,

at the high school level. High school team, he left. State champs next year. LSU. Left LSU. National champs the next year.

Then it was something in between Manning getting away from him and then Manning won Super Bowl the next year. And then there's

one more from that. Oh, Ran Tannehill becoming comeback player of the year. Oh, him himself. Not the team. Yeah, yeah next year. And then there's one more from that. Oh, Ran Tannehill becoming comeback player of the year. Oh, him himself, not the team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was something else in between those four. And it was just like, Darnold's doing great. Yeah, he's awesome.

He's taking advantage. If the Jets had kept Darnold, maybe they'd get the Adam Gase bump. Yeah. Because they got rid of Gase and Darnold. I'm happy I didn't know that because that would have been something. I would have done an episode about the goddamn Jets about that. I would have been beating that drum saying we're going to get the Gase effect. And I would have been disappointed that, like, guess what?

The Jets even fucked up the Gase effect. But I didn't even know that. I'm going to see what the one I'm missing is. So guess what? I'm done with that too. I'm done with all the theories. I'm done with all the possibilities. I'm done with all the possibilities. I'm done with the arguments, the debates, the jokes, talking about it.

It's just a glorious waste of my ever so precious time on this rock. John, we're spinning around on this little pebble. We're going like 55,000 miles an hour into this infinite expanse of nothing. And I'm not going to waste my goddamn time every fucking week. Like, I just, I'm not doing it. I swear to God, I'm not fucking doing it. I don't care. I don't care.

And I think anybody who does is a fucking moron. I question your intelligence. I question your values. But that's sports fandom in general. In general, but now it's getting really dumb, dude. Yours is, like, yours is. It's so stupid. It's a level that's concerned.

And Lions fans, come on down with me. You can join me too in just doing anything else in your fucking life. And I've threatened this before, John. I said if I took all the time every four-hour block on a Sunday, take all the minutes I've ever had arguing about this team, take all the time I've ever done podcasting or making videos about it, and I took all that time and I did something else,

I would be fucking curing cancer. I could be writing, like, fucking concertos. I could be fluent in ten languages. I could do all these productive things. And instead, what do I do? Kevin, if you spoke another language, I think you'd kill yourself.

What am I, a fucking Italian now? Kevin accidentally said Grazi once and shot himself in the foot. Kicked himself with a cat and hind tails. I said, I've always threatened this. But I, you know, when I was like 25, I was like, I'm not going to give up sports. You know what I mean? I'm just mad right now. I'll be right back.

You know? I am like, this is the abusive relationship, and I finally, like, I'm breaking up. I'm done. I'm going to the shelter. I'm hiring a lawyer. I don't know, whatever. I'm getting the fuck out. Look, I'll do what I can for you.

I'm proud of you. I'm glad you're taking the step. I can't do it. What can I do to support you? You know, just don't let me fucking relapse. Don't, like, if I'm like, hey, you know, you see the fucking, the Jets are playing the, you know, see the spread this week? I don't know.

That's a tall ask. Yeah, you're not going to do that. Is it too early for me, Kev? Huh? Is it too early for me? Yeah, you're too young. See, me and my dad. But, you know what?

No, no No no no no now is the time because yes you could go learn something I'm just gonna die soon it's over for me you saw a chance My dad and I have stopped

like we agreed we're done we won't do this anymore Talking about the Jets now or everything? Jets, Mets, Knicks everything but like for the past 15 years all we've talked about is sports

so now in the household we just like look at each other and just walk by and just nod like we have nothing to talk about yeah that that's like you're uh yeah you're the couple who you know it's like oh well yeah we you your whole relationship was built on a house of cards made of how each other's days are yeah that is tough have you gotten to the point where you guys this is where me and my dad right now where we don't listen to each other at all you just say your thing he's just saying yeah it is me and my dad are at now, where we don't listen to each other at all. You just say your thing. He just says his thing.

Yeah. It is. Me and my dad's conversations are just ad-libs. It's just like, what are you doing? Walking home from work. Yeah, socks were tough last night. Yeah, I'm going to probably jump rope when I get back. It's just non-stop. It's just nonsense.

Neither of us pay attention, literally at all. We'll talk for 15 minutes. We won't have a conversation. We'll just talk. You know what? I witnessed this weekend with my father the difference between men and women. The difference between father and son versus husband and wife. My dad told a story.

My dad's rocking the Monarchs these days. He's rocking the Nike dad shoes, right? And I guess during the flood a couple weeks ago his shoes got soaked and he just told me a story about how he dried them and because he learned a fucking like TikTok trick you know one of these like life hack things

not on TikTok but you know what I'm saying yeah no no no and you take your shoes you tie like a knot in the laces and you slam the door like with the laces on the outside so that your shoes are dangling in the air on the dryer. Okay. And it doesn't clank them around, but it heats them up and they dry. You get it?

Yeah. You understand what I'm saying, right? Yeah. It's just like hanging rather than – and so he was just like, eh, it was cool. So like I didn't have to wait two days for my shoes to dry. And they dried. And I was like, eh, it was cool. So I didn't have to wait two days for my shoes to dry. And they dried. And I was like, cool. And then he kind of reiterates the same story.

Or my mom overheard it. And she was like, no, that doesn't work. And she's pressuring him on it. And be like, no, no, no. Because the thing would get in the way. And he was like, I did it. It worked. And I just watched the way that she wouldn't allow that fucking story to just happen. And I was just like

okay yeah cool story like not really but you know whatever and then i probably told him i don't know why you said not really it's pretty it's pretty like yeah it's like uh you know next time if i have a bunch of soaking wet shoes i'm gonna do that but it was just like they said i have a fucking manic breakdown and just throw all my shoes in the tub because i don't have any children to do it to but that's that's the kind of shit you gotta have with your dad we're just like i learned this today it's like okay cool did you see uh see what happened in the paper like i don't know but but that's where if you take if you you and your dad need to do something then you gotta figure out something else well actually what I thought so when I I'm sitting there watching

any sports when it goes south or when it becomes boring I'm like I just want to put on regular TV. There's so many good fucking series. There's so many good movies. It's like and I know that's gonna deliver or at least if it's like maybe it's not and then I can just be like I'm not watching that anymore. There's no like you know you're not like tied to a series

where you have to watch it. So I was like I'm not watching that anymore there's no like you know you're not like tied to a series where you have to watch it so I was like I'm just gonna turn on Squid Game yeah well and then so you could just you could be sitting there talking to your dad about the next show that you guys are watching well we threw on Manifest we were like sure we're not gonna watch that and you can talk about fucking fake let's talk about Manifest for a second

Mike that's the worst best show of all time it's the best worst show of all time it's a terrible show you didn't even get past episode one. The premise was amazing. And then the show stunk. And then it got revived. And then it...

These motherfuckers, they either played us like a fiddle or I don't know what. Manifest got cancelled. Got streaming on Netflix. And I was like, oh, Netflix saved it. And then it got cancelled again after it on Netflix and I was like oh Netflix saved it and then it got cancelled again after it made it to Netflix

and then there was enough of an outrage that they were like okay we'll do one more season to finish it and then at the end of that season spoiler alert it just says like

season 4 coming so now they're just it's just totally back. Oh, really? Yeah. It's crazy. This show, it's got nine lives. It just, like, keeps coming back.

And all they do is they go, the callings. John, I had a calling. Mike, but the calling. Jackie, what did your calling say? Oh, I had the same calling. They say calling 750,000 times, and it's so bad, and I can't stop watching. You're watching it? Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that. Overacting like a motherfucker. Ridiculous storylines. I mean, of course, it's like a metaphysical magic show, but it's like, even by these standards. Police things that make no fucking sense.

You and your dad should just sit there and talk about that because it's that show that sucks so fucking much is better than the Jets. It really is. It really is. Anything's better than the Jets.

Watch Squid Game. Seriously, Squid Game, if you haven't watched that, there's more strategy and action and interest and intrigue going on in that crazy fucking Korean TV show than any Jets game you'll ever watch. It is impressive

that people choose to watch sports because it's like, oh yeah, I don't know what the salary cap is. $200 million we'll call it. I don't know what it is. But it's a lot of money to invest into something. You know what Netflix puts into their stuff every year? $9 billion.

Yeah, I know. That's better. Yeah. Simple fucking math, you know? That's better. What they do is better. When I was your age, I wasn't even considering it better when i was your age i wasn't even like considering it when i was your age i was still going but when i win one it's gonna mean so much more you know fuck you yankee fans when i win just one it'll be worth all five years and then i got to a point a few years later where i was like this is never gonna happen i'm the jinx but also what

else am i gonna do with my life? So I don't care. I'm still with my boys. I'm at the bar. Whatever. We're having fun. And then we've talked about this, how your sports fandom just starts to naturally, you kind of calm down a little bit when you're hit 30. You're just like, well, I'm not going to scream and yell the same way.

I'm not going to punch holes in the walls. I'm not up. I'm not down. You just start to calm down. And not everyone. There are people who say crazy sports fans till the day they die but i think the average person it starts to like wane a little bit and then every year that that percentage chance of me actually saying fuck it i'm not doing this anymore it's getting higher

and higher because now i'm like now the rest of my life around me sucks. So I can't waste four hours on a weekend doing something I fucking hate. Think about that. That's like if I went apple picking for four hours on Sunday. I don't want to do this, but I have to fucking do it. That's like when you're a married man and it's like, oh, I got to do this fucking thing I hate. I just hate it and I have to do it. That's the Jets to me. It's truly like being married to the Jets where they just ruin my day and I'm just like,

I'm divorcing you. I'm done. I'm fucking done. Because I don't have enough time to waste. Pabst has it worse than you because he's also a South Carolina football fan and they suck dick too. Why are you a South Carolina football fan?

I went there. Oh, okay. I was going to ask that and I caught myself. I was like, you probably went there. Did you graduate? Did you drop out? What's going on?

I got two classes left. Taking them online. Welcome to the club. That makes sense. You'll never do that, I promise. I also became a Michigan football fan when I was a kid. I picked them the day they lost to Appalachian State. Jesus Christ, you were a kid then?

I was a kid. I remember that being the biggest upset of all time. I'm just done with it, man. That's it. You're not going to catch me talking about the Jets anymore. You're not going to hear me talk about anybody anymore. I'm going to be fucking gone. You're going to catch me in the bathroom!

Hanging! Don't ask me to do nothing! I'm going to be hanging from the bathroom! Don't ask me to do nothing! Did you going to be hanging from the bathroom. Don't ask me to do nothing. Did you see his rant on Honda Civics? No. Bro, this is so good. He's just trying to do

a Steelers recap, and he's obviously in a bad mood because the Steelers lost. We're talking about Jerry. That was sad. I think Ben's just done. Ben should retire now. And no shaming. And no shame in it. You went one too long. That was stupid.

You went too long. Your body's broken down. You probably sexually assaulted too many people. For sure. Just hang it up. Because guess what? When you're not winning, I start talking about sexual assault again. And those details are going to resurface.

You're not blinding me with Super Bowl rings anymore. I'm remembering bathroom stalls and shit now ben so this is jersey jerry doing trying to just do it tough loss for pittsburgh today tough loss i'm so tired of these people driving by with these loud engines these honda civics just buying i was gonna talk about the steelers now i just want to talk about the fucking people who buy these piece of shit Honda Civics, and I don't know what the fuck they do to the mufflers, but they fucking drive them up and down the street, and they

fucking make these crazy sounds. I can't even do my Steelers video now I wanted to do. This is gonna whoop. I mean, and that's me. I'd rather talk about the mufflers I'm gonna do

a fucking Sunday afternoon Honda Civic muffler show because I'd rather do that than watch the Jets I'd rather do fucking anything and not even watch them I don't want to watch them I don't want to talk about them I don't care

like I said the people are like it's only been two games watch them i just i don't want to watch them i don't want to talk about them i don't care like i said i i the people are like it's only been two games i'm like we said it's only been two two games the last time and the time before that and and and it's just always i mean i just how dumb i think you're a legitimately dumb person okay i gotta say something i gotta say something because we're treading dangerously close to to I hate this woman so much territory where you're madly in love with her.

Because it's like I'll tell you what. That last second time where you're like, I don't care. It rang of, I care a lot. No, because you know what the difference is? That woman is always the one Who fucks your face off

That she She fucks you Till you Things coming out of your ears Till your fucking mascara's out Yeah No yeah I got

I get nothing with that The Jets don't fuck me I mean they fuck me They don't fuck me You know That There's gotta be some good You always go back To the woman you're Manly in fuck me. You know? There's got to be some good. You always go back to the woman you're madly in love with because, like, you know, she's got that.

I mean, look, we've been doing it for a while. It sounds like a, she drives me just crazy. I can't stand her. No. No, no, no. This is pure. No. Because this is not even hate.

This is pure, unadulterated indifference like if you could welcome to my life if you just show me like a picture of zach wilson i'd be like nothing show me robert salad nothing show me the head can we get a heart monitor in here yeah that's what i need i just like i would have just three heart monitor that would be awesome no i don't want to lie detector test because i would never do something like that. Because I remember there was one time in Milton where there was the pirates thing. There were whispers of a lie detector test starting to come up. And I was going to just be like the kid who was like, I was going to throw it.

Everyone else can have recess. I'll fall on this sword. I was not letting Dave have it. I downloaded the porn. Whatever. Because I don't give a shit about that. But the other questions you might ask me. It's not that I wouldn't get strapped into a lie detector test.

I mean, it is that. But it's more I wouldn't get strapped into a lie detector test with you motherfuckers around. You know what I mean? That's what I'm saying. If there was just some professional dork there who would be like, he's going to ask me questions about this crime. Okay, sure. But everyone else would be like, so are you really going to quit the Jets? What's the largest thing

that's been in your ass? There would be questions like, no, I wasn't on the list. You're not allowed to answer that. Boy, I got a question I want to ask right now.

But that's the difference is that it's just... I don't know, John, how big is your dick? You've got to see the size of your fingers. That's all. I just don't care.

Like it's just – there's nothing. There's nothing. There's nothing to even, you know. And that sucks, to be honest. That's the end of an era. The end of an era. The sports era. Of like, it's this is

more really jets focus because i just i'm gonna i'm being honest with myself i can't quit the mets i think i can quit the jets because i don't enjoy it like like the mets like i hate but i'm like there is some part of me that thinks like one day maybe we'll look back at this and laugh or at least in this moment i want to i still want to like pick up the phone and call clem and be like did you fucking see that the i like i don see that? I want no part of it, man. I want no fucking part of it. And it was a good run. We did the goddamn Jets for fucking five seasons.

I had the Rex Ryan era. We sold a lot of t-shirts. We had some fun. I remember when you become one of the fans in a team's Twitter. You know what I mean? People knew who I was. I passed the torch to the fucking kid who does the TikTok highlights. Go watch him, man.

He can do it. I'm fucking done. Go ahead, kid. You ruin your life. Go see Chris's fucking future right here. This is what it's going to be one day. Eventually, he's going to be like, I can't fucking do these TikToks. It's the same thing every week.

There's no coverage. He throws in the triple D. Bro, I love that clip of, it was like, Barry O's, I don't know who the TikToks. It's the same thing every week. There's no coverage. He throws in the triple D. Bro, I love that clip of, it was like, Barry O's, I don't know who the fuck your other wide receivers are, all of them running the same exact route. Unbelievable. That was beautiful. That was beautiful.

And he throws in the little jabs at the end. He's like, and he has no hops. Yeah. Done. Oh, wait, I don't know that one. I think it was like the very first one. I don't know who it was. He lists all the bad things, and then it was like a high throw don't know who it was. He's like, he lists all

the bad things and then like, it was like a high throw that like, he could have caught. He's like,

and he has no hops. So his new one, he had, he had the clip of the three of them

running. I missed that then. I think so. No? It is. Well, either way,

that kid, I mean, and those people pop up. There was the Mets kid throughout the years and

there's, this is fucking, this is just insanity. I mean, and those people pop up. There was the Mets kid throughout the years. This is just insanity. I mean, that looked like a video game. You know, like the players just run around. Speaking of video games, for some reason, I thought about this the other day. Remember when fucking Madden, when he ran a curl,

and every single time he'd come back 15 yards? You'd run a 10-yard curl, and you'd lose yardage on it. Because they didn't fucking respect that forward progress. You don't remember this? It was crazy town. It was insanity. If you ran a curl in Madden...

I'm surprised this is something you care so passionately about. I don't think I've ever heard you talk about Madden once in your whole life. It was infuriating, Kevin. I probably would have been a fucking Twitch streamer, unbelievable video gamer, if I didn't have that 10-yard fucking hitch to curl route where they'd catch it and just keep running back. You couldn't turn around fast enough.

So you'd run. So you'd fucking run, Kevin. And you'd just keep running. And then you'd fucking be hammering the stick. You'd be like, just turn it off. Just turn it off. And you'd just keep running back and forth. And then they'd tackle you.

Guess what? You'd stumble a couple more yards. You'd run a fucking 10-yard curl first down. Good for a first down. And you would lose three to five yards. But that's not where I caught the ball with my forward progress. That's where it should go. They didn't fix that until Madden got in those.

I'll never learn the answer. But anyway, the thing I'm done with is donating money. I didn't even know you were doing it. Who have you been donating money to? It's just I'm done giving money to anybody who's not a charity. Because I had. You donated to Wikipedia recently. Donated to Wikipedia.

Everyone should be doing that. We were in the car to Willie Colon's baby shower and John says to me, like he was looking at his Venmo and he says, if anybody just Venmo's me, I just send it to them

and I give it to them. Yeah, it is crazy. It doesn't matter what amount it was. Yeah, you're notorious for giving away your money. I can't, what are you talking about? Well, yeah, but that's, okay, so...

Wait, so you just said you're done with giving away your money to things that are not charity? Yes. You'll still donate to charity? I will donate to... will donate to charity foundations. Which is crazy because those are the people who you should donate to.

No, I'm done with the GoFundMes. I'm done with the fucking – I saw like four separate celebrities on Instagram this weekend post GoFundMes. Okay. And then I saw today Joe Rogan post like donate to this. Yeah, it's like Joe, how about you just – You do it. Yeah. You do it. like, Joe, how about you just fucking donate? You do it! Yeah. You do it!

Yeah, no, I'm with you on that. That happened to Kylie. That was kind of a misunderstanding when that happened to Kylie, but it was like the person was looking for $60,000, and Kylie was like, go check it out. I was like, bitch, you could sneeze that out of your fucking plastic ass. But I'm with you on that. But I think, you know, it is funny. So this happened to me just this morning.

Somebody tweeted me looking for a retweet. And this is so horrible, but we're in the trust tree, right? Yeah. And I hope, but also I don't know if it's going to be relatable because the average Joe doesn't have people asking them to retweet their GoFundMe, so maybe only you will understand this. But when you have a little bit of a platform, people ask you to do that. And you do kind of have to do this thing of like, is that worth a retweet?

And I saw this. It was just like an adult who had cancer, and it was just like, I don't know, man. I only got so many bullets here to like fucking – I can't promote everything. And I feel like I'm like playing God, but it's like – if you are like it is i don't know that's not but here's and here's the deal like uh no i guess i should do that i feel the likes even more insulting like i saw it yeah right right you know i saw it i'll tell you what's most insulting i'll tell you what's most insulting is talking about it on a podcast and saying i looked at your shit and i don't know you said you donated money to it.

Yeah, right. I remember that part. I donated like half my paycheck to it, but I didn't think the public retweet of it was worthy. Yeah, I get that. And also,

and this is why another thing, I looked it up. What do you think the valuation on GoFundMe was? Like as a company? It's a $600 million company. You build that family's house. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you know what the biggest... How about this? Like, as a company? It's a $600 million company. You'll build that family's house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know what the biggest... How about this? How about being the middleman who snakes money off of a fucking charity? How do they not take rush? They take like 10% or something like that. Yeah, imagine if I... And then they ask you. They say, do you want to cover our 10%?

Right! You're worth $600 million! You're worth 10%! Could you imagine being the middleman? Yo, everything on this planet fucking sucks. Yeah, dude. Fucking asshole. Imagine if I was just like,

yo, my high school friend got in a car accident. He was quadriplegic. Could you donate some money to it? And you gave me $100. And I was like, thanks, man. I just put $10 in my pocket. I was like, there you go. Like, what the fuck is that wait what yeah if i if i said you know oh yes yes you gave me a hundred dollars i put 10 in my pocket and then gave him 90 and i was just like

well i mean i collected it for him that's go fund me to the charity i get that like that charities have no doubt you have to pay administration and no doubt but it, it is kind of funny, that you don't get like, and everybody does it, everybody has some fee, so it's not like, it's just GoFundMe, but, but yeah,

fuck that shit, what's funny is that, you're done donating, like, the most notorious rats, are like, the big ones, right,

and you're, but you're like, you're down with donating to them, I am down with, like at least the GoFundMe, is like, here's this one person, who needs it, whereas the Red Cross, is like, we're sending the money to Haiti. I am down with... At least the GoFundMe is like, here's this one person who needs it. Whereas the Red Cross is like, we're sending the money to Haiti.

It's like, no, you're fucking not. Basically, I just do Team Impact. That's my charity. Shout out to my charity that I do. Everyone gets one. You get one charity in this life. Unless, let me tell you something else too, though. I don't know if this is a worldwide thing in other cities. In New York City, a big yuppie thing to do is to get attached to a charity for, like, the social aspect.

For, like, you know, all of these traders on Wall Street are like, oh, I go to this one. Or I go to, like, the cocktail parties here. We do the silent auctions here. And you all get dressed up and you fuck each other and you donate some money. And you think you're doing like charity. Yeah. But you're just doing it for like gossip girl type shit. You just want to be like the Upper East Side elite.

Correct. And I don't even – and if you just told me that, I'd be just like, yeah, man, I do this charity thing because I want to like fuck the girls there. Whatever. But the people who act like they're being some philanthropic heroes like you are the newest in the long line of yuppie suckers here in manhattan and you'll age out of this and realize it's a fucking scam and some other 24 year old to be in there like relax you're not fucking you know not mother theresa here yeah i think i think there there's an important distinction. My roommate once was a part of one, and he was like – he's the type of kid – What do you mean a part of one?

You mean like he works for it? So like most people would just be like I'm on the email chain and I go to the events and I – it's probably like a pyramid scheme. You probably recruit people. He always pretends that he he told us one day he was gonna go move to china to learn mandarin and that's he's like he's that he's that type of guy where he's just like oh i'm gonna do it here yeah i was like go ahead learn mandarin he never does all we do is we get drunk and we yell well sure leash your mouth and we just say things that are i don't know oh he's so we're like 25 six maybe and, and he was like, yeah, I'm having a meeting at the apartment.

So he has like all these people, like a little board if you will, show up to our apartment at the time to like sit at our fucking table and talk about the fucking charity that they're running. And I was like – I'm watching these people come in. I'm like, how dumb are you fucking people? Look around here. This is the guy you think Is gonna like Lead your charity In the next fucking This is the Apple garage

Oh this is where it all starts We're at the ground floor here baby Oh my god Everyone's got an Apple garage Yeah You know what else was in that Apple garage The $250,000 cash That his dad gave him

Was that him or Bezos or both? They're all of them. All of them. All right. Top fives today? Let's do top fives. Top fives. No, first.

Oh, we're going to hear about everybody's weekend first. All right. Before we do top fives, though, everybody's weekend. Weekend update, KFC Radio style. Yeah, I like that. Come see in DS, Lorne. Come get some. It's weekend update on KFC Radio. Fuck you, Michael Che. Fuck you, I like that. Come see and D us, Lorne. Come get some. It's Weekend Update on KFC

radio. Fuck you, Michael Che. Fuck you, Colin Jost. It's Weekend Update right here. My weekend was just Hester, so. I ate ice cream. Oh, let's hear about Dirty Circus. Yeah, let's cut to the chase. Some people might have some stories.

Plus, I want to keep this kind of away from any sort of ad uh all right so yeah i went to the dirty circus this weekend here are the notes the dirty circus for those who don't know let's like we've talked about the box before uh so maybe people can understand that if i related to the box it's a performance performance art show bar yeah it's restaurant, it's people performing on stage. I thought it was going to be like a club you go to, and people were just kind of like stripping, doing circus shit. It was not.

It was a whole three-act performance. Very smart at some things, very dumb at others. Nick just showed me pictures of a gay bar, and I was like, this is where I'm going this weekend. And I was like, oh, that's a gay bar. And he's like, no, no, no, it's a dirty circus. And it was just men in like G-strings stripping.

That was in the picture, Nick? Oh, he was showing me videos of it. I gotta be honest, that was the first time I looked it up. Somebody else bought me the ticket and I was like, yes, I'm absolutely in. And as we were talking on the show, I'm like, oh yeah, that's a gay bar. And he texted me, he's like, you nailed it. You just showed me a gay bar and I went, that's a gay bar. And he texted me. He's like, you nailed it. I'm like, I didn't nail it. You just showed me a gay bar, and I went, that's a gay bar.

There was nothing like, oh, boy, the insight he has. It was just like, oh, there's a gay guy doing gay stuff. That's a gay bar. So you go into it thinking it's going to be a bit of like a sexual type of, like a stripper type show. Yeah, definitely. And what you got was not that. Yeah, a lot of sex was involved.

People weren't, like, having sex on stage, but it started off, it came in hot. There were three acts. They started off just a chick laid over a dude's stomach. He just poured a bunch of wax on her ass, and we're like, all right, coming in hot. Nah, that's an easy, that's a dip in the toe, a toe dip in the water.

For these things, yes, but have you ever done that in your real life? Wax, no. That's so silly, I feel like. That's pretty dramatic. It's a lot, I would guess, yeah. Doing that is almost like, it's also like doing the whipped cream.

It's like, this is going to be a mess. This is going to be a thing. And it hurts. People in my apartment have done it, the waxing. And I know that only because there's like a fireplace not working in my bedroom. And when I moved in, there was just a lot of wax on the fire. And I was like, oh, you guys are kind of laying by the fire, pouring wax on each other. My landlord didn't feel like cleaning it up.

Okay. Good. Got it. Good to know. All right. So last night, let's fog. Act one is, you know, JV. So this is like the first ten seconds.

No, no, no no because then immediately That woman took out a staple gun And stapled some Ribbons to this guy's Face walked him around like leash And then just fucking ripped him out I mean that's some WWF hardcore Match shit that's Mick Foley getting

Staples to the head What kind of staple are we talking about Staple gun Like upholstery staples Like the head. What kind of staple are we talking about? Staple gun? Staple gun. Like upholstery staples? No, wait, wait. Like one of the ones that has like the handle or one of the ones that goes, Yeah, with the handle.

Okay, so there's like the clipper thing. Not that. Then there's like the industrial, like it's almost like a nail gun. And then there's that silver one that has a handle and the knob and like the. Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Right, right. So, yeah, I don't want that in my forehead. Yeah.

By the way, I'm front row for all of this. We got there a little bit later and the front row was wide open and it said splash zone. Yes. And I immediately, I was like, guys, if we're going to do this, we're going to the splash zone. Yeah, yeah. And, yeah, so. In the splash zone, you'll get to it, I'm sure. I mean, we're all thinking it, right? Yeah. It's squirt, right? No, no. That, yeah, so. In the splash zone, you'll get to it, I'm sure. I mean, we're all thinking it, right? Yeah.

It's squirt, right? No, no, surprisingly not. I was expecting a Cytheria. Yeah. Well, no, so we, so yeah, she rips the thing off. The staple lands, like, right in front of me, where I was just like, Jesus. Is he, like, screaming in agony, or he's all good? Oh, no, he was all into it.

This couple, I'm pretty sure was like dating. Did he have scars? Was this like a regular thing? I didn't see anything on his face. I mean, I would guess it's a regular thing they do, but yeah, I didn't see. What time of night is this? 8.30. Oh, my God.

Yeah, usually the box is like 4 a.m. trips, you know? That's what I was expecting. And then they're like, all right, we got to get dinner and go. It's like the sun is still out at 8 in the summertime. But then the next act started. And this was the one that I tweeted about that somebody put a gun in someone's ass. That was one of the more unbelievable texts I ever got. A gun in someone's ass?

So what kind of gun? Revolver. It was a – Like a snub nose? It was a – Did they have a condom on it? Well, no. It was a Russian roulette like dance they were doing.

They were doing like acrobatics, like balancing off each other and like putting the gun to each other's heads and, like, pulling the trigger. But then, like, then the smaller one got picked up, and I didn't even tweet about this. First they put the gun in her pussy and pulled the trigger. And the whole time I'm waiting for, like, I don't know if they have, like, a fake squib, like, they attach in TV where, like, blood fires out. I was expecting, like. If they did a show like that where you really thought someone got a clip unloaded in their pussy. Yeah.

You fucking... You were really close. And I don't know why, but I just feel like being from the Midwest, you have a better knowledge of guns than me. Yeah. Was this a real gun? It looked like a real gun.

Yes. And that's what freaked me out. I've heard you guys talk about the box. I'm thinking like, oh shit, am I about to see, like, what did I buy into here? Is this a snuff show? This is a dark abortion. If I was like, if I was

at a show like that, and I saw a gun... That's a third trimester abortion. Shoot the baby. Pull half it out. Oh, you are dark. Oh, I watched a movie, man. I'll talk about it in a second.

Have you seen Don't Breathe 2? Oh, God. I know it's the fucking, what do what do you call it the uh what's the story the comeback story i guess what's the word i'm looking for here redemption redemption story for the the horrible rapist yeah big time yeah so i've never seen yeah don't breathe one is he just kidnapped people would rape them until they died didn't see that so i'm glad he got a redemption yeah he's awesome i'm really really into him on this one um but anyway if i saw a gun on stage and like i know it's a performance and shit but every time

they pull the trigger i'd be that would fuck that would freak me out i'd be like i don't think i want to be i've never seen a gun the trigger pulled on a gun yeah that's what i mean like to hear like even to hear the click i'd be like yeah especially when someone's pussy i i was next to the stage i'd hear like the actual revolver was like clicking and like i they did load in like it was something yeah so then that i mean so then i'm freaking out if they're putting bullets in and spinning like something that looks like bullets and spinning it i'm out kevin i was so focused on the gun i didn't realize that the uh the woman who got the gun in the asshole was trans and the dick was just out.

To the point, like, I just didn't notice that. And, like, everyone's like, oh, yeah, and, like, the dick was flying around. I'm like, what are you talking about? That's a pretty mean thing to say. Your dick was out. I didn't even notice. That's the meanest thing you can say. I was very focused on the gun because they were also, like,

kind of waving the gun around. And at one point I'm looking down the barrel and I'm like, I'm focused on that because I need to see where you're pointing it. I'll be honest. I think I would leave this show. I'm not a pussy. I like to see things. I like it for the sake of this show. I think I would have drawn the line at this show.

The Jets and Dirty Circus. I'm not doing it anymore. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am highly recommending going to the Dirty Circus. I'm going to go anymore. Don't get me wrong. I am highly recommending going to the Dirty Circus. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. You got to see it.

All right. You know what? I'm down because if I can go see this at 8 o'clock, let's go. The box was always a problem because it was like 4 in the morning.

I was like, I'm going to eat pizza and go to sleep, guys. See you later. But then following that, they had like a little bit of a lighter act. They also had

just a little game where we did a hard 15. Just a little palate cleanser. Came out and did a hard 15 there's a little just a little palate cleanser came out played the piano they had a little person his name was tyler ward he did like uh tyler ward like honestly go look this guy he was like doing charlie chaplin style like comedy that was fucking killing like it was it was honestly they had a lot of humor in it it was very funny and then there was there was MC the whole time. I'll get to him in a minute.

He kind of looked like Bill Burr, where I was like, what's going on here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then the second act, that's when shit. That's when shit. That's when it got weird, huh? Yeah. After the transgender person got a fucking loaded gun up their ass. Then things got really off the rails.

John, had I not written it down, I probably would have forgotten about that. It started off, there was a raffle going on. And next to the stage, there's a bathtub. And the raffle was to get to sit inside the bathtub for the rest of the show. I didn't buy a ticket. I got there late. Water in it? I was going to say, water in the tub?

So we thought no water. Yeah, water completely in the tub. Would they take their clothes off? They picked two random people from the audience, or one random guy. He picked a friend. They went into the tub butt-ass naked. But hold on. Bro, this really sounds awesome.

Bro, if me and you go to the Dirty Circus and we get in a tub together, I'm in. Oh, and they said like take – I don't even know what. They said you could take pictures but like not – don't take pictures of people naked and post them everywhere. And that's why I was like – I was still like had my phone out. Yeah, you're in a different bucket here. I mean, yeah, dude. If there's ever a time to do a Dave Chappelle lock up your phones, it's me getting in a fucking tub naked in front of the whole crowd. So to pick the fucking raffle cards, this girl is like, yeah, last week I just threw them all on stage and snail trailed around until I grabbed one.

She's like, so this week I wanted to, you know, up it a little, you know, make you guys comfortable about getting naked. Like, I'm going to embarrass myself. She pours out a fucking bucket of glass and just drops down into it. Like sitting down, like slamming on it. Not making me more comfortable. No. That was her way. I'm just going to make you guys comfortable with me being naked.

I'm going to sit on broken glass. Rolling around in it. She was walking in it. And then she just licked it all up and got two tickets stuck one on her pussy and then that was the winner and those guys got naked and jumped in the tub together and then after like the second act there was just a third dude we don't know where he came from i think he just like wanted to get in the tub and they were like yeah how big is the tub like when i was like it's one of those old like – Like claw tubs? Yeah, it's got like the claw feet on it.

But that's not big enough for two people. I mean it's physically not comfortable. It's big enough for two people with ones inside the other. Yeah, right. You've got to be like in each other's laps. Yeah, no. By the end, there were just three dudes chilling in that tub. They were getting free drinks the entire time.

I think I oddly would be most comfortable getting naked at a place like that. Oh, for sure. Right? Like I feel like if you're at like a sports bar and somebody wanted to get me naked, they'd be like, get the fuck away from me. Oh, yeah. At a place like that. Oh, for sure. Right? Like, I feel like if you're at, like, a sports bar and somebody wanted to get me naked, they'd get the fuck away from me. Oh, yeah. At a bar like that. Right?

Right? Kevin's like, David Musters. I don't want to play Papa Shout at my cock out. No, but it's almost backwards in the sense that it's like, oh, yeah, the place where there's guns up the ass and glass in the face. See, that's where I'll get naked. Because no one goes home remembering you. Yeah, that's true.

I was like, I can't remember what that guy's dick looked like. Speak for your dick. Mine's immaculate junk. Except his head, which was carved

by Zeus himself. And then so the second act, they start off, you know it was going to get fucked up when the first act, someone came

down from the ceiling and it was just like a dance. It was like a little bit of stripping, but like just too easy You're like, that's too easy. I'm like, this was almost...

This was art. I'm like, whatever's coming next, I'm fucking scared of. And then those two that shoved the guns in each other came out. Oh my god. Guns in the ass. And for the first three or four minutes, they were just doing acrobatic shit

on the stage. And then they came to the platform near us, and there was a trunk that was open. And the smaller one, she took out mousetraps, clamped them on her nipples. Clamped them on her nipples or let them fucking bang? Let them bang. Let them bang fucking go. So, like, she was like, she took it and went, ka-chow! Yes.

Yes. I feel like that would take your nipple right off. Yeah, I think so, too. Well, clearly not, but I agree with you. That might have been movie magic. Yeah. Well, I was right there. It was not movie magic.

Now, do they, like, writhe in agony, or they're just so used to this? They seem very, very used to it. She got callous nips like a cow. Yeah. Like a fucking mother pup who just burrows eight. Just things fucking teething on those fucking things. Jesus Christ. Somehow you're worse than the description of the box.

Keep going. And then the larger, the trans woman went into the box and pulled out skewers and stuck two through her cheeks and then one straight through her penis. Sideways or like? Sideways through it. And it was like, it was blood. blood like no no blood i think it was through foreskin oh through the foreskin so good spot for it she would have twisted it off so and that that was just yeah just keep spinning it around until the fucking till that till that fucking thing pops right off. Throw it in the deep fryer, get that calamari.

What's wrong with you? I normally cringe and look away. I was like, I feel like I just have to watch this one. I'll tell you what. As a straight white cis male, I would feel very uncomfortable being disgusted with their performance. This is wonderful. You turn around, oh, cis male, I would feel very uncomfortable being disgusted with their performance. This is wonderful. Oh, come on! Get out of here, you fucking prejudice asshole!

I just love art. You guys really were wonderful out there. That part with the needle through your dick, I loved it. I'm an ally. I'm an ally. Keep sticking needles until you cum, do I? I want to watch that too! But yeah, that was definitely like the most just aggressive one hands down just like push or they jab just slowly pushing through and like yeah

we were sitting like right there and it's just right in my face i'm just like like all right this is happening like yeah it was it was a skewer through the cheek how movie i referenced by the way was that there was a skewer through the cheek in the movie I referenced, by the way. Was that? There was a skewer through the cheek in that movie I referenced. What are the chances? What movie? Don't Breathe 2. Oh, really?

Let me just put this out there real quick. If I ever get my mouth super glued shut and my nose and I can't breathe and you get like a knife or a razor or something, just try to cut through the glue. He puts a fucking needle through the guy's mouth so that he could breathe that way. And then he fills up with blood. It's a whole thing. Okay, yeah. But I agree with you. I definitely started the glue.

But then the guy, Tyler, came out and he had another act really lighten the mood again. Because everyone was a little shocked. Knock, knock! That's a tough gig. And then the guy that kind of looked like Bill Burr, that was the guy that started, he used electricity to start fires,

and he started with just, hey, I'm holding this thing. It's like electrocuting him, and then he's touching a torch, and it's lighting on fire. And then he just slowly got naked. Somebody lit one off his asshole. And another person lit one right off the tip of his dick. So he's holding

almost like a magic trick. Like the electricity's going through him or something? Yeah. That's exactly what it is. And you can see though it's like a taser level being coming out of it, like shocking him. And then he's just grabbing onto that and like touching things and having people like hold torches up to him. And then, yeah, I think there were.

He shocked his dick or he shot it out of his dick? It shot out of. Wow. Impressive. That's like when you're in the shower and you just watch the water come out. I used to hang all my fingers right next to my dick and I'd have 11 streams coming off me. It was pretty sick. Not quite, you know, electrode Shazam coming out of me.

Not quite too bad either. Lightning bolts of Zeus coming out of my cock. Bro, I used to think I was a superhero. I was convinced. But wait, wait, what did he shoot with his dick? Lightning? No, no, but did he shoot with his dick? Lightning. No, no. Did he hit something or did it just?

Oh, he had a, there were like little torches that he had that like, I think were just covered in like kerosene or something that like, so once the electricity hit it, it ignited. Wow. That's impressive stuff. That's like doing the fire we do with your dick. Nick, did you get his number for maybe our next live show? I'm not going to lie. I wanted to. I need it. I'm going to find out. I know who to see that right now. What are you doing with your dick? Nick, did you get his number for maybe our next live show? I'm not going to lie. I wanted to.

I need it. We should call back and be like, you know, the people who were on Saturday night, can you get me their number? I am dead serious. Let's look into that. Yeah, no. You had mentioned Sword Swallowers, that couple that ripped the shit out of each other in the beginning.

They did Sword Swallowing. I've never seen this before. Oh, no, no. We're off of Sword Swallowers now. We're on to this bigger shit. Yeah, this is it. We're this before. Oh, no, no. We're off sword swallows now. We're on to this bigger shit. Yeah, this is it. We're doing this. No, no, no.

When you come to our live show, you also see someone with an electrocution dick. Price pending. If he's really expensive, we'll just put up a GoFundMe. Everything in the jar goes to the fucking electrocution dick guy. But the couple did a sword swallowing that she put it down his throat, which I've never seen. Every time I've seen a sword swallower, it's been like. They do it themselves. Yeah.

And she was. That's a face fucking right there. She wasn't looking. She was looking at the crowd just, like, jamming a fucking sword down his throat, like, carelessly. And then she walked him around like he was on a leash with it and then just yanked the fucking thing out. So, yeah, got to look into them. Yeah, you fucking getting whipped by spiders all of a sudden just child's play. You fucking pussy.

I'm embarrassed to have this fucking ball gag here. Dude, that's child's play, man. That's nothing. But other than that, there were a couple more of the artsy dances, and there was one guy that did acrobatics and stuff. Listen, I'll tell you what I go to the dirty circus and somebody comes out and they're doing cartwheels I'd be like boom yeah Nick don't where's the knives where's the fire next time you tell that story drop the end

like it'll throw someone to the cartwheel yeah highly recommend yeah I'm in I'm definitely I want to see more of that weird shit so Nick spends his weekend with electrocution dicks and guys in tubs and guns up the ass. Jackie stays here watching the All-22 to break down football games. Jacqueline, explain football to us. Not explain football, but just give me the weekend recap. I'll pass the torch to you. Kevin's done watching sports. You now have to be the goddamn Jets.

Weekend recap. Okay, okay, okay, okay. To preface, though, I'm getting into sports. That's the point. Stop. Jackie, tell us about the weekend of football. Okay, I'll start with the Jets. Sure.

Not good. Facts. Zach Wilson, not good. Two drops. Interceptions. Last time, four interceptions, so it was a little bit better. Right side, Quinnen Williams. John, move your feet.

He had a good defensive game. Because he has defense. It would be bad to have a good defensive game. Yes. Because he has defense. It would be bad to have a good offensive game. Okay, okay. And then basically they lost, as always. They're 0-3. They always start their seasons 0-3. Okay, I'll move on.

What do we want next? Giants? Can you do a little Jets-Giants? No. No, okay? Can you do a little Jets Giants? Um No No Okay Can you do

I'll do 49ers Okay 49ers SF Yeah My hometown California girl Yeah

California girl Jimmy G Super hot Not looking that good this year Aaron Rodgers We thought he wasn't going to be looking that good this year Because he's kind of older. But he is, and he's looking

pretty good. Good how? Good how? That's a good question. He's just... I'm actually interested in this game. I don't even know who won this game. I did Lights, Camera, Barstool last night.

I didn't watch it. And then I watched Red Sox and fell asleep and ate ice cream. He doesn't even watch sports. That's not fair. What if we just surpassed part of my take? Am I going to take coaches away, Jack? You're like, we need this girl. I might know who won, but I need this recap.

The Packers won. Packers won. I thought so. Oh, okay. I do know what happened here. Because you know what? You're never supposed to do this with Aaron Rodgers, Jackie. You never leave for Aaron Rodgers.

You never leave blank on the blank for Aaron Rodgers. You never leave blank on the blank for Aaron Rodgers. Oh, you... Never leave. You just don't leave. You don't leave. I like Pav's trying to whisper. Like we're not in a quiet room together. Next to a microphone.

Oh, you don't leave. Pav, no one else in here is talking, bro. You guys heard that? Of course I heard that, dude. I'm a human being with fucking functioning ears. How did you know? No. No.

You don't leave room for Aaron Rodgers to be Aaron Rodgers. You know what? Not wrong. Oh, wait. No, you don't leave time on the clock. Yeah! Let's go! You never leave time on the clock. He had 37 seconds, no timeouts left.

Game over. Exactly. Exactly. Okay, and then I'll give two more highlights. Did you hopefully watch the Ravens and Lions? I did watch the Ravens and Lions, and that's what I was just going to say. And they were tied. I hope you watch it on YouTube, everyone.

It's tied. It's the end. And the Lions, what? They were never tied. It was close. It was one. By one point, it was Whatever the score was And then

And then Was it 19 16 It doesn't matter And then And then the Ravens So then So then

They're down by one point And then There's like A few seconds left on the clock Three seconds or something like that I don't know exactly And then And then

They decide to just go for the field goal. 66 yards, the biggest, the biggest, longest field goal in football history. And then he kicks it, and then it hits the thing. And then you have to watch on YouTube to understand what I mean. Hits the thing, it twirls. And then everybody's like, oh. And then it goes in the field goal. And he made it.

But there's like, because the Lions kind of got fucked over a little bit. There's some drama. There's some drams. Do you know what the drams was? It's so hard to keep up with everything. But I don't know. I know that there is drama. Yeah.

I think it's basically just that, that, that, um, it took the last, the last play before that kick took, took too long. Okay. Yeah. I can't do any more than explicitly say the words. I'm hoping that was a case of, like, where the TV isn't real, because that was insane. That was. I mean, there's a full, like, two seconds.

You could even hear, was it Tariq? Whoever was on the call was like, three, two, one, and he wanted to say, like, he didn't get it off, but they just, like, allowed the play two seconds later. It was like, what the fuck? I'm a Ravens fan, and I thought live that it was a delay of game. I was sitting in the office watching it. Who wouldn't?

But what sucks is, like, Justin Tucker made an amazing-ass kick that won't be talked about because everybody's talking about that play. No, but I think time will remember the kick. Like, right now, maybe, but time will—the fact that he kicked it. Even right now, I think largely people need to go. Because it doesn't change the fact that he hit it. Like, if there was a penalty on the kick that somehow aided him, then you could say that. But the kick is the kick. He still booted it.

Is there another kicker in the league that has people that buy their jerseys? No. I mean, there's no other kicker. I mean, the only jerseys I've ever seen is, like, Janikowski, probably some Vinitaris, and that's it. Maybe Guskowski had a few. Oh, if you bought a Guskowski jersey, you're a fucking loser that's it maybe Guskowski had a few oh if you bought a Guskowski jersey

you're a fucking loser I mean Guskowski you are a loser Guskowski wore I mean he obviously didn't have the kicks of Vinatieri but he won his

New Year's Super Bowl I believe and I believe I'm correct in this I believe Guskowski is the leading scorer in Patriots history if you wear a Guskowski jersey

you're the biggest loser I've ever met in my life I'd rather wear that stupid shirt of yours that Vinatieri had but I believe he is the leading scorer I'd rather pay $230 for that dumb shirt than wear Gostkowski jersey, you're the biggest loser I've ever met in my life. I'd rather wear that stupid shirt of yours. That Vinicieri had, but I believe he is the leading scorer. I'd rather pay $230 for that dumb shirt than wear that Gostkowski jersey. You watching any other football, Jackie? Cardinals and the Jags.

Oh, I don't know anything about this game. Let me tell you. Okay, so basically Cardinals won, obviously. And the one highlight, well, I guess there were other highlights. There was the Jaguars got a 100-yard run. The Jaguars? Shut up They got a 109 Like Yard run All the way from the start

Of the field And then just Blew through everybody And then made it to the end of the field I don't know how else to describe that That was my favorite one That was so pure. And it was cool.

It was a good run. I watched it. It was just like the Iron Bowl. Yeah, because that was like... Just like the Iron Bowl. Yeah. Didn't they try... Wasn't it obscene?

Didn't they try like a... It was like a 70-yard attempt. I actually don't know about the distance. It was something silly where it was like, you're not going to make this. And then you paid the fucking price for it. Unless you got Justin Tucker. No. You fucking moron. Auburn's going to make this. And then you paid the fucking price for it. Unless you got Justin Tucker. No, you fucking moron. Auburn's going to play the football game.

Great job, Jackie. Thank you. That was amazing. Thank you. I hope that I could educate everybody. I look forward to comparing week 17. Yeah. Or week 18.

See how much better you got at it. I mean, people don't realize that everyone who's clamoring for another season of the goddamn Jets, Jackie made all those episodes last year. So she's become a football savant. Savant, yeah. Same word. You could say that. The word you use to describe dumb people who are good at things.

That is savant. Savant in, like, modern casual conversation is the most backhanded shit in the world. Like, at one point, you probably meant one thing, and now it means dumb person who did something good. Savant means, I thought you are so stupid, you'd be good at nothing. But it turns out, you're good at something. This dude's a savant at making peanut butter and jellies. You literally just said this about me. Yeah.

Yep. That's the case. That is the case. It is. I am kidding, Jack. I would not call you dumb if I actually thought you were dumb. That's kind of how it works. Partial truth.

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I mean, the internet bred Allbirds. It is true. They're a bit of the viral shoes in the sense of that single pair. This is like. This brand. Yeah. This is from the internet. It's made with soft, itch-free, and durable merino wool.

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Your boy John has turned into Kanye West. We're like, we can't keep up. We got orders being canceled retroactively because our computer system just couldn't keep up. The sales were going through and then afterwards, the computer, the piece of technology was like, sorry, this was too fast for me. I couldn't handle it. We issued refunds and those people are first online for the restocks. So I'm not happy that like there are disappointed people we're taking care of them but i am happy that it was

so goddamn fast that our our merch system couldn't keep up it is it is i i said i had said beforehand i think i might have something on the last episode that um i i went into thinking they sell in a week it's successful i think it went we always do this you know it's because of we're you know depressed and stuff but it's like i'm like i hope that we like sell some tickets and it's like oh it's sold out in like an hour you know it was a matter of minutes this one but if you didn't get them because it is it is my solemn promise to make sure everyone who wants to pick gets a pair we are going to have another drop obviously here here's the problem with us is I hate what Nike does. I hate the sneakers app.

I hate the bots. If it was up to me, literally every single person who wants a pair gets a pair. And that's not because I'm some charitable asshole. I just want all the money. If you want to buy it, I want to be able to sell it to you. So the goal and the dream is to have if one million people want them, here's one million pairs. We're just still a small-time operation that can't, like, mass produce them on that level yet. So there's still going to be some scarcity.

Like, it's going to always be a limited number. But as we are able to sell more, we'll be able to invest more, and we're going to make more. But at this point, it's still going to be like, you know, we can't make that many yet. So you still got to be on your game the day that they drop. Which is why you have to sign up for the waitlist right now. Because we went, I think we did

10x our order. And I think that like, I would be surprised if it gets off the waitlist. Well, it doesn't. Yeah. The waitlist is so big, it's already more than what we're getting. It's not like we sold those out. The waitlist right now is half of what we ordered. Yeah, it's not like that we sold

out and then there was nobody left. There was tons of people still trying. So that list is if you're trying to get them, sign up now. But also, more importantly, before that drop happens, you're going to have your shoes. So be ready at 10 a.m. for that day drop.

Yeah, we got Moon Man ones coming out, which is now going to be late October. I was hoping for mid-October. But I believe right now shooting for the 26th. So we'll have those available. I'm hoping that we, seeing how many people want those, I'm hoping that we can add some to that drop. So we'll have two pairs out. And then the idea is Are you going to put a ball gag in your mouth for it?

How much do you believe in the shoe? I got a ball gag for you right here. Well, I believe so much in my shoe. I wouldn't. You see how that's kind of opposite, don't you? I know what I did! I didn't plan it, but once I said it, I realized what I said. Like, if I

thought my shoes sucked, I'd be like, give me the ballgag. Fuck. Let me, let me, let me, I gotta average. I mean, it is so goddamn funny that you went through all of that, and then the shoes sold out in five seconds. By the way, I went to... Is this a mouth hole? Yeah.

Oh, this is scary. Yeah. But you can kind of see. Yeah, yeah, you can see it. Do you know how I know? That's what I've told the story before when I was getting a blowjob. We just both couldn't stop laughing. That's what was being warned. Dude, my eyelashes touch this thing and it bothers me. Do your eyelashes touch it? I don't recall my eyelashes.

You've got short eyelashes, you little bitch. I think honestly my nose is probably pushed out so much that it never touched. Oh, that's exactly what happened. It never got to my eyes. You know how I know I'm old? If I see a porn with someone in the latex, like head to toe, where they're locked up, I have an anxiety attack. Really? I can't look at like...

I get hard. I'm like, I'm so anxious. I'm like... I feel like I see those people like when they're like like i would i don't think there's a single person in the world i trust sexually enough or just trust in general enough to lock me up in one of those things why i do it i don't trust them yeah that's why i guess that's why people do that they get off the turn on baby yeah that to me to me. They might never let me out. What would happen if they never let you out? I'm just kidding.

I've never done that. I'm not a fucking pervert. What if I was locked in this fucking thing, and I was like, all right, John, enough. Let me out, and you just didn't. That's the guy in Russia, the guy with the dildo still in his throat. That's not a friend. God, that's so fucked up. Where has this mask been, by the way?

Just on the floor. At my face. Okay. That's... Okay. All right. So, Squid Games. We've been talking about it for a little while now.

It's the new big Netflix series. I have not been this captivated by a show... That's not true. There's been a lot of good TV recently, but I haven't... There hasn't been a show recently that's been, like, the new big show that I not true there's been a lot of good tv recently but i haven't there hasn't been um a show recently that's been like the new big show that i've tuned into and really been like yes squid games is awesome right off the bat i mean i knew quick i agreed with queen's gambit that was probably the last one that everyone was really i think stinky really you don't like it didn't

even watch the last episode because i didn't fucking care. I think you're just dumb. I don't think it was bad. So, like, bad's an exaggeration. But I... Who just walked in? Devlin. Okay. That's good. He can handle that.

He can see that. If that was, like, Erica popping her head in, I was going to be like, fuck. That would be so awesome. And Artie, you just walked in. Why is there a ball guy around who fights his microphone and Kevin's in a mask? Just chase around here with a cat and nine tails? That'd be like that scene in Celtic Pride where the cop walks in

and he's tied up and the cop just goes, this is bizarre. Slowly turns away. Squid games. Squid game. Korean. Gotta watch it in Korean Turn the dubbing off If you watch television with dubbed on

You're a buffoon I'm gonna disagree with you on this one 99% of the time I would agree with you You're watching it dubbed? Opinion invalid Because I will say this While I really like the show There are times That

It's just like action scenes And I'll end up like looking at my phone Or something like that And so like You can't look at your phone at all I'm so mad That you watch it with Doug I want to spoil it for you right now

I'm holding back so hard This is not a show that you need. I'm holding back. You do not need the... This is not like a dialogue heavy show. Um... This is not the show to preach that you need the original on. Like I want... No, no, no. It's just I just get furious watching the mouth. Oh, yeah, yeah.

But I'll tell you this much. So here's... Again, we're not going to disagree. I read the subtitles anyway. So I'm doing dubbed with the subtitles. But that's even worse than because the dubbed and the subtitles are different every now and then. Yeah, that's what pisses me off the most. But that's what that was the catalyst to make me go find how to turn the dubbed off because the fucking English words were not matched up with the English words in the subtitles.

I'd still rather be able to just like have an ear to hear some words here and there. Read the subtitles. If somebody texts me or if I'm like the kids are bothering me, whatever. I'd still rather be able to just have an ear to hear some words here and there, read the subtitles. If somebody texts me or the kids are bothering me or whatever, if you're just watching a dialogue or heavy show, I agree. I watch subtitles on everything but live sports. Yeah, yeah. And even live sports, sometimes I do because I just get lazy and don't really turn them off.

Right. But all that aside, it is a creative-ass show from the deep, dark depths of whoever fucking wrote this thing. Where, without spoiling it, it's just anybody, like I said, I think I recapped it already. They're down on their luck money-wise. And some sort of organization is rounding them all up and giving them this offer where they can play children's games. And if they win, they get 100 million won. It's about $40 million. Did you see my tweet? I didn't see it, but I sent the same tweet.

Did you? Yeah. If you type in 25.5, like some people are watching Squid Game where you have to convert won to U.S. dollars. That as soon as you put those numbers in, it auto-fills it for you. Because so many people have been trying to figure out what that means in American dollars. So they're playing like red light, green light. And they're playing tug of war and doing like field day games all for the chance to win money um what you what you realize very quickly is that if you lose you are eliminated you are eliminated from life it means something more than you see you fucking later so today uh we're gonna do top five kids games gym games field day games all that kind of shit uh i i saw that coming um how to do it that i you know

your favorite but also like you know would you would you play to the death okay my first one is uh is obviously wall ball it's a great game now what does that mean to you though wall ball is like you put a tennis ball if you don't catch it with one hand, you get spiked. You don't call that like butts up or red ass or anything like that? I think we might have called it suicide at one point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did this once on EMTC Twitter back when I first had kids. People get very bent out of shape about this. It's very like how do you call it that it's it should be called this i called that butts up i call that red ass i've called that suicide wall ball the the period of time when i grew up outside of philly for like three i lived there for four

years wall ball was something entirely different what was wall wall ball? You used a dodge ball, and you would use a fist, and you would bounce. Oh, okay. I see that on Little Brat on Modern Family. It would have to hit the floor, hit the ground, and then the wall, and then come back to you, and you would serve it, and it was almost like a tennis off the wall sort of thing. But great game. And if you bobbled it, you had to go up to the wall and turn around and get great game. And you would like,

and if you bobbled it, you had to go up to the wall and turn around and get your ass pegged, right? Yeah, yeah. And you always... You had no pegs because you're fucking...

Oh, no. If pegs weren't on the table, I wasn't playing. Did you ever play like with airmail rules? I'm sorry. It was something where like you could,

or like relay rules. You could like get some, if the ball was really far away, I think you would almost get like a double throw or something like that. It rings a bell, but I don't... There was a couple variations where... And you could like get some if the ball was really far away i think you would almost get like a double throw or something like that it rings a couple variations where so and you played like you threw it off the wall if i bobbled it i had to run and touch the wall yes and you would either peg me or the wall before i got to the wall and that's an out or whatever you call it correct yeah and you also played wherever you grabbed it you stopped like you had to stay right

there yeah yeah yeah i was i was great at this yeah that was a lot of fun i had a wall in my house like a motherfucker i had a perfect brick wall in my on my like on the side of my house with my driveway that was like made for it it was incredible so we just had like a perfect we had james tandy james tandy elementary school we had a wall i mean it's a brick building so yeah a lot of these walls so but there was one right out back where it was perfect. And I, as a kid, my greatest athletic attributes have always been my hands. I don't use them anymore. Which is funny, because you've got those fat sausage

fingers. But I had hand-eye coordination like a son of a bitch. How do you think you'd play now? You think you guys still got good hands? No. No, because I don't do anything with them anymore. I don't even eat ice cream. The guys have been playing that game out there where you whip it at each other, and I'm like, oh man, I would have been good at that a long time anything with them anymore. Yeah. Like the guys have been playing that game out there where you whip it at each other.

I'm like, oh, man, I would have been good at that a long time, but not anymore, you know? But there's a thing like hockey goalies use to warm up where someone stands behind them and then throws a ball at the wall in front of them. Yeah, and they have to. Yes, yes. I was unbelievable at that.

I could do anything. I was so good at catching, so good at stick handling so good at baseball I was all Swedish, no finish and the my high school hockey coach still regularly chirps me on Twitter

just to be like, hey you fucking you had, I had the hands and physicality to be like really really good I just couldn't shoot a puck. I could not shoot. Kind of important for hockey. Yeah. I was so fucking bad at shooting the puck.

It was crazy. But hands like – I mean, hands that could just do things you wouldn't believe. You wouldn't believe these hands, Kevin. I should go back and become a masseuse because these hands were fucking magic. Magic hands. Those little paws of yours have seen some things. Are we counting gym games? Like, you played in gym

class? Sure. Yeah? Sure. Because I don't know if we've done it here or wherever, but I've talked about it before. It has to be my number one pick always for all things is Matt Ball. Have we not done it on the show? You've talked about it, but I forget. Yeah, you didn't play it. I don't think so.

It rings a bell, but I don't really remember my childhood that well. Go ahead. Again, it's the repressed memories from the sexual assault. Mike, did you play Matt Ball, Mike? No. Jackie? Matt Ball. Nick?

Never heard of it. Josh? I can't.'s certain like packs i think like wisconsin kids played it and it is hands down the greatest game of all time nope nope nope well kind of so you take the gym mats. You take the wrestling mats. Oh. Click the last one you had, the real picture. To the left. This one, right? Yep, that one.

So that, see those mats there? Those are like your gymnastic foldable accordion mats. And those are the bases. So you have first base, second base, third base, and then home plate is mid-court. And you play kickball from there. Everybody, you can have unlimited amounts of people on a base. So you can have like your whole fucking team running from base to base. Otherwise, it's like regular kickball.

If you take a step off the mat, you have to run. You can't go back. And then you play with pegs and shit. So the pitcher can like pump fake you, and if somebody comes off, they turn and they can fucking peg you. But you have to go around the bases twice to score. So it's a fucking free-for-all because people start trying to peg you, and the ball is just flying all over the place, and people are just rounding. We used to play like, I'm not stopping.

I'd be like, I'm going to get hit, and I'm not stopping. I'm going to try to score. This is going to be inside the park home run so like come get me and it was like you're a pussy if you just like get to first and stop you know what i mean but there'd be people who just bunt and then you played if you got it in the basket across on the other side of the court it was like you know everybody on the on the uh everybody on base scored it's it is the most fun game that i think gym class has ever invented, and I feel bad that some people never got the joy of it. I would play adult mat ball right now. The only physical activity I would do right now is mat ball.

The only. The only. My number two, Red Rover. Red Rover, Red Rover, come over. How exactly did that work? I don't think I ever played that game. We'd hold hands right now and we'd be like... Yeah, you'd run through my arms, right? Red Rover, Red Rover, St. Josh over,

and then we'd have to lock in and clothesline him. And guess what? I'm clotheslining your ass, and no one's fucking stopping me to throw either. Yeah, you were a barrel rolling through there. If I wanted to live, this would have been my first game. Because I'm not fucking... You're not beating me in this game.

And if they broke through, they get a point or something? And if you let them through, you lose? I think you take someone from their team, right? And it's like you build. You build a longer wall. Whoever ends up with everyone. Because occasionally you've got the rallies where, like, one guy would be left, but then he'd be John just breaking through, fucking taking everyone.

I'd be like, I'm the juggernaut bitch. Like, I'm just coming fucking through. I'm the juggernaut bitch is a great OG Internet 1.0 cut. Some people laugh at that, and then some people know that. I'm going to go with steal the bacon. I don't know this one. Yeah, you probably just have a different name for it. Where you put a ring in the middle and there's two people.

No, you don't know this? Oh, wow. You remember like those rubber rings? Yeah. No, no. It was like a weird, I don't know what they were used for, but it was like exclusively in gym class. It was like a rubbery ring, thick.

Like, yeah, I guess, well, those are plastic ones, but those are the rubber ones. You never had those for things? I don't think so. So you would put that at midcourt, and then there was the bigger circle. And it would be me versus you. Whoever tries – the goal is to grab the bacon and get outside the circle. So you could grab it or I could grab it. But if I tagged you before you got outside the circle,

you lose. So it would be a lot of posturing. Be like, are you going to get it or am I going to get it? And you do a lot of pump fakes and then you got to get it and try to get outside the circle. And I'll just, it's one of my favorite games ever because it's very like, it's a little bit like mind like, am I going to be on the offense or defense?

Because I can either decide. I'm going to let you get it. I could just stand there with my hand ready to go, and I'll tag you right away. But then I'm not going to get any points either. So eventually who breaks and tries to get it? But we played you had to run to the baseline. So you do it at midcourt, but in order to get the point, you had to run all the way to the baseline.

So you end up chasing after people. And this one girl, Maya Hervaten was her name, and she grabbed it, and she was running, and somebody was chasing her down, and she tripped and fell and hit the top of her head on the wall and crunched her neck, and we never played again. Never fucking were able to play again. Goddamn, Maya.

Yeah, I was like, fuck you, Maya. You ruined the best game ever. You had no, you've never even heard of that? No. Nick? No, never heard of that one. Mike? Jackie? Oh, yeah.

Steel Bacon. You play Steel Bacon. Okay. She also kisses slugs. Oh, what was that about? What was that about? I think that should officially be a part of Jackie's body count. How many guys have you been with?

A hundred and twenty. Sixty-five of them were slugs, but whatever. People are like, oh, yeah, I hooked up a lot of bad guys too. No, no, literally slugs. My number three is kick the can. You actually played kick the can? Well, I don't know if we played it the way you – I don't know. How do you think kick the can is played?

I didn't think it was really – And you might know the right way. I don't think it was like a game. I thought it was like an activity. Like you just – Oh, no. So our thing – How do you play kick the cans played? I didn't think it was really – And you might know the right way. I don't think it was like a game. I thought it was like an activity. Like you just – Oh, no. So our thing – How do you play kick the can?

Our thing was we would put – And this is like me and my friends. It's mostly me and my brother. And it was like you just put – We actually didn't even use a can lot. We put like a gallon of milk. And it would just be like in front of, like it would just be there. And then someone would be standing between you and the gallon of milk.

And I got to go kick it. But they got to not let me. Oh. So it was just a fight. Yeah. It was a fist fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

They're not playing that anymore. It was just like, you got to get through me. You got to knock that box. And it was an empty gallon of milk. You got to fucking punch it. Right, right. Yeah, you want to make some me, and you got to knock that box. And it was an empty gallon of milk. You got to fucking pump it. Right, right. Yeah, you want to make some fun with it. Fill that shit up with milk.

But it was just like, all right, get around me. Go kick the can. And maybe, honestly, that's just what we, I don't know. Maybe that's not how. No, no, that's kind of what it looks like. I'm seeing on Google here, there's like a, what does that little description say up top? How to play kick the can. Don't be as dumb

as Jack. Popular in the 30s, it combines tag, hide and seek, and capture the flag. Whoa, you were playing really wrong. Like, it was,

when we played in bigger groups, we would do this. Like, there was other shit going on, but really, the fucking, the meat of the game

was right there, you and I, baby. Like, who's gonna get around who? Right. Who's gonna stop who? And all I gotta do is really touch it. Like, you don't have to kick it into something, you just gotta, like, get your foot on it. Yeah and I, baby. Who's going to get around who? Who's going to stop who? And all I got to do is really touch it.

You don't have to kick it into something. You just got to get your foot on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I played the version where it's capture the flag, and then that's how you get everyone out of jail. I think that's the version. Yeah, I played that way too. Again, I've played a lot of ways.

By the way, I'm not – It came down to that. Capture the flag, I'm not considering in this for some reason. But if that counts, that would be my draft pick. But I don't know. I feel like that's a different type of thing. I think you can have that. Yeah?

Capture the Flag? Yeah. All right. Well, we used to play – we used to just call it Manhunt. And I don't know if there was any – Manhunt? We played Manhunt? Was that different from Capture the Flag?

Manhunt was just your justice circle about finding the people, right? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, Manhunt – We also used to play guns, okay? And, like, thank God we grew up in like a cracker white neighborhood Because we had fake guns That looked like real guns

And we just ran around the neighborhood like Fucking pretending we were like shooting each other It was reckless We did that but we used sticks We would take the black guns With the orange things And we would black out The orange nub And it looked like

We were just running around The town with fucking glocks And it was like We were playing like Boom gotcha How old were you? Like 7th, 8th grade Too old

Yeah too old Too old Too old Like enough that the police Would be like Ah That's Yeah

That is A few ways That won't get you shot But that'll get you shot Yeah that'll do it So I'm gonna put guns On my list But you wanna play guns?

It was awesome. We would run around. We would play far stretches of the neighborhood. You could fucking be on the other side of town and we'd be hunting you down. It's amazing we didn't get shot. Shout out being white. I'll put Manhunt on the list because I could stay hidden forever. Yeah?

You were a good hider? I wasn't even a good hider. It was just that people had the short attendance because they'd get bored. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd just sit in that bush all day. Yeah, that was the thing. I remember I was hiding and being like, I don't like this. So I'd be like, I kind of like let myself out.

Everyone would do that. You know what was a move of mine? Like that was, that's humanity's great flaw. Right. They need attention. Right. I'll sit down. You know what?

Like the two most important traits is like holding your hiding spot when people get bored and being able to sit in the silence. Don't speak first. Yeah. Let them talk at the negotiating table, on the date, whatever. I could sit here in silence all day. You speak first, bitch. Dude, when I was growing up, my grandparents' house had an elevator and I I would just stop the elevator, mid-floor, and I would just sit there.

That's weird. That's weird on so many levels. Well, I mean, look, I was playing manhunt. It took me a while. Playing manhunt. Oh, okay. I wasn't, what? It was like, I was playing manhunt with my siblings and cousins. That makes a little more sense. But it's wild that they had the, that's straight out of a horror movie where like the kid

pulls himself up in the pulley thing and then like just sits there and then the this was like an elevator it wasn't a pulley thing it was like an elevator

that's crazy full size human elevator yeah that's nuts and I would just sit there and would they would they like

ever be like John Henry's in the elevator I mean they eventually caught on with my dad like 50 times had to fucking find me but they're like alright John

you can't use the elevator. I'm like, too good of a game. Got to fix the rules. Sorry. Just like Tom Brady. John Henry rules. Yeah, yeah. Oh, fucking the Colts complain too much.

You guys, I'm tired of fucking whipping your axes. I used to – my move, we'd be playing Manhunt. I say this is my move. I think I did it once. Like we'd be playing everybody in the neighborhood around like dusk, you know, and I'd hide with a girl. I'd be like, everybody in the neighborhood around dusk, and I'd hide with a girl. I'd be like, you come behind this fucking thing.

And then that would be where we'd flirt and shit. Because of the implications. They can't leave. They can't leave. They can't talk, John. They can't say anything. They'll get caught if they do. Be quiet. It'll be over soon.

Be quiet. As we're sitting in a fucking bunker on a golf course. We're thousands of yards away. They'll never find us. Just be quiet. Just be quiet for 15 more minutes. I'm going to go with another one that is just made up and I think that me and shout out to me and anybody

who was in the 6th grade in 1996 in City Island, New York at PS175. I think this is the only time this game has ever been played and recorded in human history. I think we might have only played it one time. It was the Indy 500

and it was those fucking I think we might have only played it one time. It was the Indy 500. And it was those fucking scooters in gym class. And PVC pipes that were shaped like an L. And one person would sit and hold the L end of the pipe. And the other person was a runner. And we would run around a track of orange cones. And we were going so fast and people were like their hands were slipping off and they were flying into the walls of the gym people were crashing of course they were getting their fingers run over and we were running as fast as we possibly could

and at that point you know like we're still light but we're also reaching like i was that was like my athletic prime was like sixth and seventh grade. So that was like as fast as I've ever been, but people are still like 100 pounds. You know what I mean? So we were whipping. And this is my gym teacher, Mr. Fecht was his name. He was crazy. And I think even he was like, okay, stop, stop, stop.

Like we can never do this again and don't tell your parents. It was a bloodbath. Kids were flying off we're getting floor burns we're getting blood i mean it was like it was the most fun ever but i don't think anyone ever played that again i think it was about 18 people in the world who ever played indie 500 um all right last this is my fifth one uh slap game the hand game yeah it's a good i was fucking good at that shit that is a great i'd go i'd do this on the way to camp, and they'd get to hold their hand like, bam. Whip them.

Dude, listen to me clap. This is how fucking fat and gross my hands are. Sausage fingers. Oh, my God. That legit got it. I can hit. I can fucking. Give me that again.

Give me your loudest clap again. Do it. I would have people weeping on the bus. They stand in the back like, who's next? Some kids walking back. Yeah, you got some pop to that. Yeah. I can clap like a son of a bitch.

I feel like you're hurting your own hands doing that. I'm so fat. I don't even feel it. Just two pillows. That'd be a lot of noise. You know what's crazy? You're a lefty, right? Yeah. No, what were you talking?

Whoa, wait. Clap again. Yeah, so you still do right into your left, right? I do all physical things righty. Have you ever tried to clap left into your right? It's so awkward. That feels so weird to me. I feel like I'm actually

disabled. Because I write left-handed. Think about how... Yeah, so you're kind of ambidextrous to that. But clapping off-hand is weird, right? That's one of the weird things. I don't have the power for it, but this is fine. If I... Give him a round of applause. I'm going to give you my last three here that I was thinking.

Your last three? Well, you know, I'm going to give you my final pick, but this doesn't make the cut because it doesn't have the longevity. But when you're a little, little, little kid, the parachute in gym class. I see that all the time. It's like the thing that we're talking about. You go fucking underneath it. But what do you do underneath it? I don't know. It was just cool. You know, you were like four. Well, what's the game? It's like the thing that we're talking about. You go fucking underneath it. But what do you do underneath it? I don't know.

It was just cool. You know, you were like four. Well, what's the game? There's no game, really. The game part was one. I see it on Twitter all the time. You knew it was a great day. I remember seeing that

like once in my life. And then we would put beach balls in it and we would rattle them and they would just like popcorn all over the place. There wasn't like a winner. It was just like

an activity for little kids. The one time I saw it, I feel like I was older, like fifth grade. Well, that's lame, yeah. Maybe I was just walking by the gym and I saw the kindergarteners doing it. Because I don't remember ever playing. Yeah, you would tuck it underneath and you would just get like a cool dome.

The egg toss was a good one because I can remember being like winning or coming down to like the final two in egg toss. What was egg toss? Were you like the science thing? The science? Were're throwing the eggs like you have to survive no we play catch oh you're playing catch oh okay okay you're talking about like dropping off a building yeah yeah no it'd be like me and you were on a team and like the good players like we would be deep we're throwing like the length of a fucking basketball court like and mean, it would be like long enough that the eggs in the air and there was like a hush over the gym class.

And then like, that was awesome. I wasn't playing this one either. You never did egg toss? You guys don't play that, right? No, I didn't. Yeah, that was a pretty standard one. But I'm going to go with. With like uncooked eggs?

Yeah. Making a mess everywhere? It was more field day than gym class. It wasn't like an everyday occurrence. It was like a camp or a field day sort of thing. We also did something called the Leaky Barrel. It's another thing that I think was just made up by my gym teacher. And a big, like...

I thought you were a gym teacher. Yeah, he was... I fucking cared about his job. Dr. Coons. He was... A doctor? Mr. Coons was his name. Mr. Coons.

Big difference. Yeah. No, but I think he was Dr. Coons. Was... Did he kill someone on the operating table? No, my- How did he end up a fucking gym teacher? My principal was doctor. Okay, that makes a little more sense.

Even that one is a little suspect. Mr. Coons would fucking- He would- It was a ladder that was like- You could like fold it up. You know what I mean? And he would just sit there and do pull-ups on the ladder the whole time. Just fucking jack.

But he invented all these games. He had Dr. Dodge. He had all these like tweaks to pre-existing games. Dodgeball, elimination, all that shit. But Leaky Barrel was one. You had a fucking big ass like plastic barrel that was filled up with water that just had a bunch of holes in it. And you and your whole grade class had to fucking try to plug as many holes. And after like four minutes, whoever had the most water is still in their barrel.

So you had kids drinking it, plugging it up, putting their dicks in the hole. That's awesome. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun. But my last one is just going to be you don't need a gym teacher. You don't need a field day. It's just an OG game for you to play like a gym teacher. You don't need a field day. It's just an OG game for you to play like in your house.

Keep the balloon up. Oh, yeah. Have you seen the video that went viral like, I don't know, within the last year or so? It kind of went revile a couple weeks ago. It's two guys playing the most like intense game of keep the balloon up you've ever seen where at least four or five times I thought it was a wrap, and these guys are making, like, diving catches, just, like, one finger on it, keeping it up. That, I mean, it's one of the most impressive videos I've ever seen.

But keep the balloon up. I mean, that, I've got to start playing that with my kids. I remember my parents being like, like, here you go. Go fucking play for half an hour, you losers. All right, so hit us with your top five games, field day games, gym class games, all that. Right now it's time for voicemails. It's brought to you by Helix Sleep.

You've got to make sure you get a good night's sleep. You've got to make sure that you get your rest. You've got to make sure. What's happening right now? Oh, everybody in the room just got up one time and Jackie was smiling and I was like, is this some sort of sabotage that you guys planned on me or something? No, nothing. Nothing important. smiling and I was like, is this some sort of sabotage that you guys planned on me or something? No. Nothing important.

We didn't plot last week. Helix sleep. As you get older, like I'm getting older, you need a good night's sleep. You need rest. You need to be, you got to have your back in shape, your legs in shape. You got to be comfortable

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10 hours? Yeah, the good old days, 10 hours. I can't sleep past like, I don't know, six anymore. Six? Yeah. That's disgusting. What do you get? You, I don't know, 6 anymore. 6? Yeah. That's disgusting. What do you get? You get like 8 or 9, 10 every night?

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$200 discount. Voicemails. Let's do it. Hey, Kevin, John, Nick, Jackie. Since you guys have been talking about serial killers and women interested in them, I have a fuck, marry, kill for you.

Casey Anthony, Lorena Bobbitt, and Jodi Arias. Go. So, I saw that you guys were talking about Lorena Bobbitt. It was on Casey's top five list. Did you guys talk about her at all? Do you know what she does? No. She, and I'm going to double check this,

but it's funny that she said this, that Casey said this, because Lorena Bobbitt just popped up, like, in my life, like, in my conversation recently. I was like, what are the fucking chances of this? Lorena Bobbitt owns a hair salon. She cuts hair for a living. Lorena Bobbitt walks free? I think so. I think so.

I think that was, like, big-time self-defense. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. I believe so. I don so. I think that was like big time self-defense. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. I believe so. I don't know anything about that other than she's not a bad guy. I mean, I don't think it's self-defense in the sense of like, I don't know if in the moment she like was defending her life, but it was like, I think she was like heavily abused and couldn't take it anymore.

I feel like that kind of thing. But I don't think she walked free. I think she went to jail. Okay. That's fair. Just saying here, if a guy cut off his wife's tits in the middle of the sleep, threw them in a pond, had an alligator eat them, he doesn't get to open a bank.

That's not how it works, really. Let's see. Oh, wait a minute. This kind of ruins it a little bit. It's at a hair salon, but she does the nails. She's a manicurist. That's see. Oh, wait a minute. This kind of ruins it a little bit. It's at a hair salon, but she does the nails. She's a manicurist. That's ridiculous. Yeah, but I was hoping it was like straight scissors

where she's just like cutting away. But yeah, I mean, she chopped that shit off with a... Eight-inch blade. Yeah, like a fucking kitchen knife, though. It was like...

It wasn't like a... It was not like a flesh-cutting knife, I don't think. Yeah, I said this, though. Yeah, not guilty by reason of insanity. And then... But go ahead and work at the't think. Yeah, I said this, though. Yeah, not guilty by reason of insanity. And then, but go ahead

and work at the hair salon. Yeah. Boy, would I love to talk to Lorena Bobbitt. Can we get Lorena Bobbitt on the show? I would. Don't be a pussy.

Sure, but let's do it Zoom. Don't be a pussy. Because I'm going to be, I have a few questions. How about this? When people come in, they specifically say they want Lorena

to do their nails. Oh, of course. I bet she's killing it. Yeah. Because I bet you it's all girls who have been through shitty boyfriends and shit and all that. Girl power. Yeah. Glad to see a woman in this field killing the game.

Since Bobbitt joined, curiosity about her has attached many new clients, particularly men who buy each other gift certificates for a session with the local celebrity. It's all goddamn fucking psycho. Bro, if my guy friend ever was like, yo, bro, I got you a gift. First of all, if they ever got me a gift, I'd be like, what the fuck is going on? Second of all,

if the gift was a certificate to get my nails done, and then third of all, it was to get my nails done by this chick who's a dick chopper, I'd say thank you for this great gift. I don't want to know anything about the situation she was in because ignorance is bliss. But this is. And ignorance also gives me a creative license to say whatever the fuck I want if I don't know how bad things were.

But this is fucked up. You can't be a celebrity for cutting someone's cock off. But she was abused, bro. Look at her. She's got her own t-shirts and shit. Dude, I'm kind of down with her. What, are you going to fucking victim shame her? I guess I am in a sense.

So this is what happens. This chick, that chick right there. Sleep. That chick right there is the reason why she won. She was getting... So she was a manicurist beforehand. So she's returning to world okay okay um but one of her clients said um she's coming out or is this is that

2019 i don't even know it exists uh she said that there was evidence of abuse that she would cover up with makeup and that witness told the story like yeah she had bruises all over and that's what stopped her from going to jail dude I don't I don't know enough about all this stuff so I don't want to have I mean that's

like your dick that's not chopping off your dick very easily that's not like she got a fucking samurai sword like shing that's kind of like yeah you get one touch

of metal in my blade of metal blade to my dick and I'm going to wake up that's just the thing yeah but like if someone's unconscious I don't think how you fucking get self-defense if

someone's unconscious. Bob at once said she'd cut off his penis if he cheated on her. Now that I don't condone. That's funny. But the Like I gotta be honest I think the jury Fucked up on this one

You think she should've Gone to jail for what? I don't know How long did she have to stay In a mental institution? I don't know if she did anything You cut the cock off Of an unconscious person

You have to serve some time He was just like, you can't blame self-defense when someone's asleep. It's like in fucking The Undoing. No, no, she didn't say insanity, not self-defense. Okay.

But still, is it unconscious? She said that she had been suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. I don't know. I don't know if I'm... I'm not saying she should fucking get a death penalty, but again, if you just fucking take someone's soft dick

and chop it off with a knife, there's something wrong with you, and you have to be rehabilitated, be it in a mental facility, be it in a prison, wherever it happens to be, you got to go away from society for a while. You can't just show up at work on Tuesday. How about that?

After you get fucking cleared of charges by reason of insanity. Okay. Okay. So does it, does it, does it change if she was raped by him? You have to bring

the R word into it. When? In the fall of 1993, John Bobby was on trial for raping his wife on that night. Oh, see, I didn't want to know

any of this. I wanted to make my jokes and move on with the podcast. Right, right. You lose. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, listen. jokes and move on with the podcast right you lose yeah yeah yeah i mean listen that guy deserved i was dick chopped off i think all right fair no dick for you no dick for you uh okay now let's

marry fuck kill him um i am marrying casey anthony no brainer No brainer No brainer No brainer No that's actually not true I'm marrying Jody Arias Bro I know Casey Is probably the best looking here

Oh I wasn't even thinking about that I was thinking Yeah you can't save A couple hundred bucks Yeah Save a couple hundred bucks On that trip To the clinic

You're a sick fuck I wish I didn't say that Yeah that Wish I had that one back Yeah I'll Yeah, I wish I had that one back. Yeah. I'll admit it. I wish I had that one back. Leave it in,

but I wish I had it back. We could very much let you have that one back. Not doing it. Yeah, no, just I'm acknowledging I crossed the line.

Jodi Arias killed an adult, right? I think so. she, is she the one that fucking, she came, she she the one that fucking She came

She was the one Who was like a bombshell But she showed up to court Looking like a fucking Like a Like she put her hair in And like covered up And all of a sudden

Was like trying to look ugly But she's the one That also said that like While she was being Hauled off to jail She was like Just give me the fucking Death penalty

I think so yeah Right I heard you saying How much you love that And it was like They were like You're going to jail for seven years. And she's like, just fucking kill me. I think that was it.

Yeah, I think that was it. I think, all right. So ideally, I would like to marry someone who's not a murderer, who has never actually taken a life. Yeah. But I'm not marrying a dick chopper. Okay, so you're murdering. So I'm just saying I'm not marrying a dick chopper so okay so you're murder so you're so i'm just saying i'm not marrying like that my my original train of thought would be like the person who hasn't murdered anyone that's gonna be my wife but i can't marry the dick chopper granted i'm not a rapist and i'm

not going to abuse her but just knowing that she's got that gear you know yeah like i don't do the dishes one night i don't drive a lamborghini that's too fast that's exactly right i i i'm gonna fuck up i'm, and listen, I fuck crazy girls. Absolutely. I've done the crazy. I have not done the I might lose my dick crazy. You wouldn't be able to go to sleep at night. No. You can't sleep at night knowing someone

who's cut off the dick of an unconscious man. You come home, and Lorena Bobbitt's doing the slamming the cabinets and making noise and you're like, i don't know what i've done wrong i'm just gonna go to fuck to sleep you're not doing that lorraine no you keep you keep a room with the holiday you gotta you gotta have an eye open at all times you gotta

you gotta booby trap like you gotta have you gotta hang like a rope with cans so she bumps into it and the clank clank clank clank wakes me up and i grab my dick i put my dick in a fucking chastity belt every night before I go to sleep. Lock that shit up. That's just serving it up nice for her. I'm going to marry Jodi Arias. I'm going to... And I'm going to...

Really? Kill Lorena Bobbitt because I want a one shot with Casey Anthony. Yeah, I think I'm with you on that. I think the... Oh wait, that's Jodi Ayers the blonde? No, that was the thing. That was what she looked like during trial, but she did have blonde hair at one point.

I say that. Casey Anthony is an infant murdering monster. You can't do anything with her. Allegedly, Kevin. John, you gotta murder her. You gotta murder her. I can't murder her.

That's Dick Justice. Bro, you can't. Soder said. This one's for Keely. But the thing is, with Casey Anthony, she has such a beautiful mind. You're sick. You are so sick. Bro, next fucking question.

She had the idea to make her made-up nanny's name was Zanny. That's fucking hilarious. We don't have enough funny people on this planet anymore. Like, the nanny killed her. What's the nanny's name? Zanny. I mean, it's just some straight-up dentist-crentist shit. Like, that's unbelievable who was it the

nanny what's her name fucking zanny the nanny that's better than what our man zanny the nanny killed her that is that's just funny yeah i believe she spelled it with an x also i love that pav spelled it with an X right out of the bag. Yeah, no, it's very much the same. He spelled it with a Z. Pav's a drug addict. Dude, I mean, bro, her name's Zanadia Gonzalez.

Bro, let me tell you this much. Let me tell you this much. If there was a trial and someone said that and it was true, if you're like, I present exhibit A, Zanny. And she was like, my name is Zanadia and people call me Zanny. Some chick with purple hair comes down on bars. They just picked her up at the club last night. They're like, you mean Zanny?

She's like, I love Zanny. That's not how people on Zanny talk. I don't deal with pills very often. Bro, you got to get someone to play that story for you. Listen, I'll pay you $500 to show up to court today and say your name's Zanny, and you killed my baby, okay? You need buys? You need buys.

I'm Zab, this guy's Zanny. Whenever you need, Daddy. Next up. Kevin, Fyfe, Nick, Jackie, Mike, Zach. What's up, everyone? Mike from Long Island. I just can't stop it for a second uh no team in major league history has spent as much time as the mets did in first place 103 days in first place they will be

the first team ever to finish with a losing record what is the point? Why should I continue to do this to myself? I'm leaving here. I'm leaving here when we're done in a few minutes and I'm going to the close out the console. The funeral at Blue Haven East. We're doing it for the Mets and now we're throwing

the Jets and Giants too. And I swear to God, it's a funeral for me. It's a funeral for Kevin Clancy, the sports fan. I'm not doing it anymore. Yeah. I'm not doing it. I think I don't believe you. I'm not doing it.

Again, the Mets I can't give up on. But I'm done being the guy who like – like right now if I were to go to like a barbecue, the guys who were there, the dads that were there, would be like, let's talk sports with Kevin. No more. No more. Never again. Never more.

Never more. You come talk to me about a TV show you like. You come talk to me about something going on in entertainment in Hollywood. Don't come to me and talk to me about sports. I'm done. Back to the voicemails. This week we did a music festival, and we were just talking about how we took, like,

a 9 a.m. train into the city, and we grabbed, like, tall boys on the way in. So we were talking about, like, the top five most inappropriate but acceptable times to start drinking. So, like, what are your top five most early or, like, way too late, whatever it is, just inappropriate times to be drinking, but it's, like, socially acceptable? Eva.

I don't even understand the question. Most inappropriate times to be drinking that, like, you know, but you love. Like, I would probably say, like, at a wake or a funeral. Like, as an Irish guy. Oh, I thought he was saying, like, time. He did. He said that, too.

Like, early in the day or late at night. Like, times you should not be drinking, but you like it. You know, like, I would say,, like Hoboken St. Patrick's Day, we would start drinking at like 6 a.m., you know. That's any other time. That's like, you know, that's despicable behavior. But, like, we would set the alarm. We'd wake up.

We'd have a beer at 6.01. Yeah, I was going to. And we loved that. My answer was going to be 6 a.m. And I was just going to leave it at that. I wasn't going to stay on a special day. Just that time of day. I wasn't going to say if I'm awake or asleep or still up.

I'm waking up or still up 6am But that is interesting Like a 6am last call versus 6am first call Very different One's a fun night I don't know which one's more dysfunctional I think wake up is more dysfunctional

I think people have had the night where The sun was coming up We went deep into the night I went to bed last night at 11. I woke up at 6 and I'm drinking. That's a different story. Both somewhat frowned upon. But I think the late night is...

At least around here in Manhattan. People do that regularly. Miami and shit. People are having 7 a.m. beers all the time. That's true. But also skiing. Skiing is... You have a bag of beer.

That's about 6.30. It's crazy how much people ski while doing a very, very death-defying stunt. Everyone's done. Yeah. Hey, let's all get drunk and go down a mountain

55 miles an hour on fucking blades. Did you wax the skis? We're making it as fast as humanly possible? Okay, good. Now let's drink 10 fireball shots.

You know, funerals have been fun for me. Funerals are... That's the most exciting I was going to say That's not really like inappropriate Like technically it is But technically it's not

Definitely I mean I guess depending on How you were raised it is Right that's what I mean Like for our culture Probably not But some people would probably dig

Oh my god I think Kids sports Yeah That's probably a good one Super acceptable You guys are going to be hard pressed To give me an unacceptable time,

I'll tell you that. I'm just thinking of the ones that I've done. Right. Yeah, when I go to kids anything. In class in high school? I never did that. Not in class. I've never done that, but I've known some kids who have.

Like the water bottle filled with vodka. Oh, I did it for the SAT 2s. Yeah, you were drunk for that. But I didn't do it in class i guess i was in a classroom okay so check that one acceptable um yeah i don't i don't i think listen the only time i think it's genuinely inappropriate to drink is if you're driving i said and there's i was really just gonna say i think you should be allowed to drink and drive literally that's i swear to god that's what i was about to say is you should be allowed to drink and drive as long as you can pass a breathalyzer well that can happen what yeah there are certain places that that don't do zero dollars like an open container

oh you mean drink while driving yes got it no no no yeah i'm saying if you blow like a 0.01 you're okay uh you know like well yeah everyone would be your problem do. What I'm saying, if you blow like a.01, you're okay. You know, like – Well, yeah. That would be your – That's what I'm saying. So you beat it. But you're saying I want to be able to drink while driving. Yeah, I agree with that.

If you – because we used to say all the time – This is my first beer of the night, officer. This affects me in no way. If you're going – the reason we came up with this idea is – we're alcoholics. But also, like when you get off the highway, like when you're going up skiing, and you get off the highway, like, when you're going up skiing, and you get off the highway, but then you usually have on, like, a rural route, you have a lot longer to drive.

You're pulling off the highway, boom, there's the mountain. You usually have a lot longer. Probably another 40 minutes. So as long as you're off the highway, you can have a beer? Right, and it's like, because everyone else in the car has been drinking, so now it's like, it should be fine for the driver to have a beer now. We're 20 minutes away, we're a beer away. He's done his duty. We're a beer away from the destination.

Should be able to crack a beer. Don't get it wrong. He would. I like that. If you are a beer away, whatever the amount of time it takes you to consume a beer, we all know that. It's an inexact but exact amount of time. I was a beer away, officer.

This is my first beer. Drinking while driving. I'm below a point away. Drinking while driving is way less worse than drunk driving. Yeah, drunk driving should be illegal, absolutely. But drinking and driving should be fine. With you. As long as you're blowing below a point away.

Facts. You can't be drunk doing it. Put that on my presidential platform. Drinking while driving, allowed. Yeah. Drunk driving, illegal. Drinking and driving, fine, below a point away. Let me tell you a little bit of something for our last voicemail here.

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This is Chris. Down in Atlanta, Georgia. Y'all actually answered one of my questions about John Cena versus The Rock. KFC, fights, Jackie, this is Chris down in Atlanta, Georgia. Y'all actually answered one of my questions about John Cena versus The Rock, and I just had a question pop up in my head on the way home, listening to one of y'all's podcasts. It randomly popped in my head. Who do you think is going to win in a pissing contest in distance? Fidoverg versus KFC? That in a pissing contest in distance? Fidoberg versus KFC.

That's a stupid question. What is it? I'm talking from the wall. Is it? You think it's a valid fight? Me and you in a pitching contest? Pissing. Oh.

Who said pitching? It was like pissing. Pissing. I got a good piss. I got a good stream. I got a good stream. How good is it? How good could it be? You're an unhealthy

fucking No, I got a good stream, Kev. I feel like your prostate's fucking messed up. It sounds like Piss sounds like

Donald Duck. That's what it sounds like. You might want to get that checked out, bro. I was trying to make the noise I made. I landed on later. All right. Well, how far back from a urinal do you think you could piss? I could piss into that chair easily.

That's not true. No, you could not. One time I walked into the bathroom in fourth grade and this kid – No, black out that name, please. He was standing so far away with his pants on his ankles. Bro. Guess what, baby? Kids at James Sands Yellow Men's School tell stories about one time they walked in.

Every time they walked into the bathroom John Feileberg was in a different zip code from way down town John Feileberg pissed that's a lie though yes I could absolutely hit that chair

I mean I'm gonna have to force you we're gonna have to do this just piss all over this studio we have a tape measure we'll find out the distance we're gonna have to go to a sex. Just piss all over the studio? We have a tape measure. We'll find out the distance. We're going to have to go to a sex show circus, and I'm going to make you piss. I could.

You would not make that chair. Bro, I'm telling you. That chair is like fucking 12 feet away. I could be close. I could be close. I could maybe be half this table away. If I could get. If I'm on the other side of this table, I'm hitting the back of the chair.

So that's all I'm saying. I mean, I've never... This is toxic masculinity at its finest, by the way. I will just say as John chugs his water. There's no way... Look at him just deep throat that shit. He just opened the gullet on that one. What are you, a fucking pelican?

You're a goddamn albatross, dude? Okay. All right, I'm ready. I don't think I've ever, I mean, I've definitely stood back from the urinal just to challenge myself here and there, but I've never taken much pride. When people are all proud about their stream,

give me a fucking break. Oh, baby, I can just call my name now. Me and this thing might be okay, Corral. I'm a fucking break. Oh, baby. He's just calling my name now. Me and this thing might be okay, Corral. I'm going to piss on you, girl. Goodness gracious. R. Kelly over here. Calm down. Speaking of, he just got sent to jail.

Yeah, for like a long time? I think so. I didn't read the article. Let's hope because, you know, Bill Cosby's out, so you never know. I mean, the guy who's extremely confident. I would say, you know, sometimes if you talk about it, you know, if you talk the talk, you don't walk the walk. You've got to hype yourself up and put on this dog and pony show because you're a light pisser. So, me over here, quiet confidence.

Okay. Maybe I can just piss right over your fucking head right now. Okay, Aldo. Maybe I can just... Right over your fucking head right now okay I'll go maybe I could just right over your fucking head there's only one John the pisser I'm missing a syllable because I was good in this my analogy your Aldo I'm McGregor there's only one John the pisser and ain't nobody better and he's gonna piss all over this room. Hang on. I got to leave another word that rhymes with...

There's only one John Henry that pisses. I really hope I can piss more than you. You're putting on such a fucking show. I hope that I just quietly step up and double your piss. I hope that you piss like... You know what this is? You know what you are right now? You're Weird Haircut Seth.

And that other kid who just did it. Who's that other kid? The other kid changed. He could throw a ball a hundred yards. And that other kid who just did it. Who's that other kid? The other kid changed. He could throw a ball 100 yards. I'm not doing that. I'm just saying I could piss on that chair. Yeah, but this is the equivalent. Saying you could piss on that chair is the equivalent of weird haircut.

I'm just saying you could piss on that chair. Bro, I'll fucking poop my pants making sure that stream gets over there. That would be so funny if we did this contest and you shit. Like, three, two, one. Bro, I'm gonna shit. It's going, it's both. It's gonna be both. I'm gonna ruin this room.

You know what you need? What you need is to not shit. You need to be, like, corked up back there so all the force goes out this way. So you gotta wait

until you're not. I'm gonna start practicing. I'm gonna Google right now. Well, I'm gonna, yes, I'm gonna Google right now and stand as far away as I possibly can because I gotta figure out.

I just went during last ad read. It's not fair. All right now Well I'm going to Yes I'm going to Google Right now And stand as far away As I possibly can Because I got to figure out I just went during Last ad read It's not fair Alright I got to go Pretend to I got to go learn How to pee real far And I got to go to

This console party So That's the show សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. you