KFC Radio - KFC Radio Reveals Their Big Announcement || Brittany Schmitt Interview

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

- We finally reveal the announcement we've been hinting at for the past few weeks - Jackie breaks down the past few Surviving Barstool Episodes, including a huge storyline that got cut out - Brittany Schmitt interview included: - her jaw-dropping stand up joke - her relationship with her mother - hooking up with the basketball team in college - breaking addiction after 3 sessions with a hypnotyst - and much more +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ TImecodes: 6;27- KFC Radio Announcement 11:44 - Jackie Explains Surviving Barstool Episodes 42:13- Brittany Schmitt Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ DAVE: Download the Dave app from the App store Mattress Firm: To Unjunk your Sleep, go to https://barstool.link/MFRMBSS or a Mattress Firm store today and speak with a Sleep Expert WhistlePig Whiskey: Get your bottle at https://barstool.link/WPKFCYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. So did my mom. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We've been doing this show for over 10 years now, and we got a major announcement, probably one of the biggest announcements since we announced we were doing live shows or one of the biggest announcements since we uh when we added asa and took off dan a major a major change in the kfc radio world first off we're rebranding everything you can see here i'm wearing the new be normal shirt

this is our new color scheme this is our our new logo. We've got a whole retro theme coming out that Pav's whipped up for our logos, for our merch, for anything you see KFC Radio. We did it in one shot, too. Yeah, it was very impressive. It's been this for

too long. Six years, seven years, whatever. Shout out to our boy Trigg. He whipped this up, and it's been a great one for us. But, you know, these things probably should change, like, almost, like, every year. And we've been sitting on it for a long time. So Pav said we got to spice things up a little bit. And because we are the oldest podcast and we're established in 2012, and we've been doing some of that, like, throwback type stuff,

he went with, you know, a throwback vibe. So, new colors, new logo, new theme, new motif, but the major announcement is we are switching to three days a week now. Three ball baby! Yay, yay, yay! When we first started,

when it was John and I, when it was me, John, and Asa, and then when it was just John and I, the idea was there was really two podcasts at the time. And it was us, John, and Asa, and then when it was just John and I, the idea was there was really two podcasts at the time, and it was us and Pardon My Take. And so Pardon My Take was going to go Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and we would go Tuesday, Thursday. And that way there was a Barstool podcast every day of the week.

Now there are significantly more podcasts. I would say so, yeah. So it doesn't fucking matter. And there really are no rules. Remember, originally Pardon My Take was supposed to be shorter like three days a week but only like 20 minute podcasts so we're gonna do multiple times and then we were like okay we'll have our two episodes and then it was just like none of this matters like every time we get behind them no one's gonna have short podcasts and everyone has to more i wants to have more podcasts and now um you know that was back when podcasts needed to be like one hour, once a week, and we were kind of changing the rules up a little bit then.

And now I'm like, wait a minute. There's no reason to do this Tuesday, Thursday thing anymore. But we will keep that, so we're not fucking with anybody's schedule. We're just adding Monday. So you have us Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. And this is all just to inevitably one day do it every fucking day. Yeah. And to give a little background. This is kicking the can down the road to doing it five days a week. I mean,

listen, we've done it every which way. We've done it once a week. We've done it twice a week. We did twice a week with three quickies when we used to do like 30 minute episodes. We always kind of just listen to our sales department and our finance department because at the end of the day, it is a business business and they always tell us things like you know your average number of downloads goes down when you add an episode because now it's divided by three instead of divided by two so if sponsors and clients see those numbers it changes things i'm like well can't we just tell them that we've added a third episode and that's why it's skewing this way and i always shied away from adding more episodes because they were like your rates are going to go down and now i just said fuck it i don't care that's on you guys to continue to sell it at the

correct rate and for us to make sure that we grow that third episode to the point that it doesn't bring the numbers down i also don't think it's going to happen i don't think so either i mean i swear i i fucking swear to god you assholes just don't think is going to happen. I don't think so either. I mean, I swear. I fucking swear to God, you assholes just don't listen to the third episode. I'll kill you. I'll find all of you and I'll kill you. So how about that? So I think this is just going to be,

they're going to realize, like I'm sure Mondays will take a little while because people have their other shows they listen to on Monday or they don't realize that it's the new schedule, whatever. And as soon as Monday's numbers are the same as Tuesday's and Thursday's, we're probably just going to add Wednesday. And then also, Mondays, the goal with Mondays

and kind of the idea behind Mondays was, because we very much like interacting with our coworkers, is to have a – I stole it – is to have a Barstool employee. No, there will not be guests on Mondays. At best, it will be the two of us and a Barstool employee. At worst, it will be just the two of us. Mondays will be no guest episodes. We originally had an idea of always like Tuesdays would be regular guests.

Our Thursday episodes will be a Barstool guest because, believe it or not, when you have Mark Wahlberg on, the downloads go here. when you have Mark Wahlberg on the, the downloads go here. When you have Nick Taranian on the downloads go here. It's just people love the inside Barstool interaction. And it's something that I've always said we should do more of as a whole company. We should all be collaborating more, but we never really did it.

I said, fuck it. We're just going to do it now. So the Monday episode is going to be reserved for me and John. And also whoever is popping that week or wants to jump on or, you know, we love when Frankie comes on

and Rudy comes on. You can probably picture who our regulars will be. Keegs. But the, yeah, Frankie, Rudy, Rudy, Keegs.

I don't think we'll have one on every Monday because it's just a lot and we don't like everybody. I bet it'll happen about six people. I want it to happen as much as possible. But it should. And there's new people like Caroline and new faces that we want to have on, the Mean Girls.

So it will be a lot of Barstool stuff. I think that's also where we can do some barstool gossip too sometimes I hate talking about inside barstool stuff but I know people like it so hey we can do that on the

third episode but yeah it's just more KFC radio for the people so for our diehards I'm sure you're thrilled for some of our casuals come along for the ride

for another episode another probably like that probably won't be like three hour episodes no we're not gonna do that we won't be like three-hour episodes. No. We're not going to do that. We don't need that.

Not much work. Come on. We'll start with one. One-hour episode, Mondays to add to the list. And then, yeah, like I said, one day we'll just be doing five days a week. Sorry, Nick. That announcement was brought to you by Whistlepig Whiskey. And it's because we have sponsors like this now

and because we want to get more sponsors like this that we're switching things up. Because Whistlepig is hands down far and away the best client we've ever worked with. They're just like, here's fucking awesome whiskey that everybody loves. Can you promote it for us? And we say, yeah. What are the rules? And they said, we don't have any.

What are the rules? What was that? What are the rules? Tell me, baby. What are the rules? Keep going, Nick. are the rules? Tell me, baby, what are the rules? Keep going, Nick. I heard you chiming in from over there. I forget what the rest of the lyrics are, but it's from the Sunny Ep when they get electrified.

Did you do the whiz backwards? Wait. Hold on to this. I rewatched that episode recently. The end of that episode is one of the funniest, shock, hilarious things. Because Charlie is the young black kid. Yeah. And he comes out.

And the police are coming. And he's singing in his high-pitched voice. It's a full musical episode, right? Yeah. That's the first time they do it. They do regular talking as well. But it's a musical episode. Yeah, yeah.

And he's coming out, and it is kind of gravelly voice. He's saying, the police officers are his friends. And he goes, because they gave me this car. And as he reaches into his jacket, the cops go, he's got a gun. And they light up this young black. It is like – I remember the first time I saw it. Was it like before everything really popped off?

No, no, no. It was after everything. It was like a commentary. That was immediately after. Yeah. Like it was their first episode back. I remember – That's what I mean though.

Like they made it without having it. No, no. They knew what they were doing. Okay. They knew. And I remember I was just watching it like live. And every time I've watched it since, going, holy shit. Yeah.

Holy shit. I don't remember the song, but I do remember thinking that at the time, being like, whoa, they just fucking went there. But it just, like, in classic Sonny fashion, just went. It was okay. Anyway, Whistlepig Whiskey, they're like always Sonny. They're around forever. They will be around forever because they have an unbelievable product,

and the people that know about it know that they're the best in the game, and the other people, fuck them. Don't care about them. And you know that they're real ones by the fact that they get down with us and bust them with the boys are like their two barstool representatives which is like honestly if you're down with what Will Compton is doing with Joe Rogan is

so fucking bad. What is he doing? They recorded an episode with Aaron Rodgers way back. Not way back but like I think like a month ago. Yeah I think they recorded with Rodgers first. Oh yeah. So why did they hold? Because they did like a Grit Week, their version of Grit Week, like a training camp thing. They brought the bus

everywhere and they wanted Aaron Rodgers to be the finale. Oh, okay. And Rogan did Aaron Rodgers and just put it out. And just shitty luck and bad planning by them. They should have put it out right away. For the future reference, boys, when you get a big guest, put him out right away. Right away.

And so Rogan put it out. So Joe – so Will is like – Rogan is clearly scared of busting with the boys. Got wind that we were doing this and decided to drop this episode the same week. And it is right over the Rogan bros' heads. Joe Rogan doesn't even know who you guys are. Are you kidding me? And Will just keeps like – he's like, so, you know, you know, clearly we're taking this as a, you know, as a sign of weakness from Joe and like, or whatever.

And he's like, I'm going to get together with my team. Joe's going to get together with his. We're going to work something out. Don't worry. And people are just eating it, thinking it's real. It's fucking unbelievable. But if Whistlepig's down with Bussin and us, you know that it's, you know, they're good people. It is.

It is. It's good whiskey. The great honor of my life is having Whistlepig. Yeah, no, it really is. That's not a joke. I remember telling my dad. It's the great honor of my life. I saidistlepig Yeah no it really is That's not a joke I remember telling my dad It's the great honor of my life I said to my dad

Like I made it I made it Like you know people Are kind of like What do you What do you want to do in life Or what do you want Like what's your goal in life

It's like I am Effectively endorse I have an endorsement deal With a whiskey That's super high quality Like get paid to drink whiskey That's it

Whiskey drinkers here And they're like Wait Whistlepig advertises with you yeah Whistlepig it's like yeah we know we don't deserve it

but Whistlepig's like yes you do we love you guys I'm like fucking A man yeah they're the best like the whiskey's unbelievable and that's why you should drink it

but also if you want to support us or support the right people Whistlepig is a supportive partner to us yeah so please be a supportive partner but just the way they are they're like

they get down with like they always want to look for like – they said they look for like cult followings, like people who really have an influence. And they're just good people, so they deserve it. So if you're going to drink whiskey, drink quality whiskey and support the right people. They've also got the maple syrup here. I take a hit of the syrup every day.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Jackie! Look at this girl. Come get some. She's going to break the ankle. Yeah.

Are we doing crazy high heels? Yeah, I'm doing some high heels. Let's go! No, I don't like it. Oh, and you're going to try to nervous climb. Yeah. Looks great, though. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. The soccer calves are popping. It looks great. All of it's good. Go to WhistlePigWhiskey.com or click the link in the YouTube description. Get the barrel-aged maple syrup to make yourself an old-fashioned as well. Jackie's kind of on the verge of nervous climbing right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's playing with the paper and this fucking screwdriver. Yeah, yeah. You're still nervous somehow. The star of Surviving Barstool Season 2 sits with us here today, Jackie Nichols. Getting some praise from Dave Portnoy. Oh? Yeah.

On his show, Dave was talking about just in general that he thinks it's a very good production. This is actually legit maybe the highest praise Dave will give another person. He said it's so good that it makes him consider doing it. I saw that. Yes, yes, yes. But he said that nobody other than he, Dan, and Dave should ever be just, like, declining these opportunities. And he gave a really nice shout-out to Caroline because Caroline is also launching her new podcast. I was just going through that in my head.

That's something. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right, yeah. He gave a really nice shout out to Caroline because she started her new podcast and she's always hopping on everything. Then he threw you in there as well for saying yes and he said, the KFC girl. Take it?

Yeah. He said this is their first introduction to you. But it was while it was set in the same... He was talking about Caroline and then it was like, and you know what I mean? So it was very high praise was like said in the same he was talking about caroline and then it was like and you know what i mean so it was like very high praise for her and then throwing you in there and that was all a packaged uh attempt to trash rico for saying no so that's really what it was but um and then i didn't get there yet but clem told us that he gave a huge shout out to nick for the intro because the intro. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I'm mixing things up now. He gave a huge shout out to you for the intro in Game of Stools. Yeah. Saying, and that was also a package way to take a shot at his guys. Who he said nobody's ever done anything as good as that. Yeah, he quote tweeted the other day. And it was just, when I saw it, I was like, oh, he's just taking a shot at Gaz. But yeah, no, he said, like, he thought it was great. It's a little bit of both.

He's never doing that, but it's because that's a fucking awesome... Well, then hats off to both of you. Well done. That's the most praise Castergill has ever gotten. Nice job. Two times the praise. In one day, three years of flying under the radar just went out the door. Yeah, well, that's

a good thing. You want to get on the radar for good reasons. He's a first impressions guy so he'll and especially if he's watching and he sees that you made it to the final four well then he's about to think

that I'm a huge bitch because Jackie is I'm like I'm so caught up on it well listen the the world of reality TV

is that the producers get to do what they want with you while you know editing out all their mistakes and all of the times they might have fucked up.

I don't know, though. I didn't think that made you look like that big of a bitch. I'm just so in my head about it. Yeah, clearly. I haven't seen the episode. I don't know what it is. So basically, like... A little inside baseball here.

We're doing this episode on Wednesday like we always do. So that's not it. Right. Again, I'm overanalyzing everything because i'm like whatever but i so like there's one scene where first of all like grace starts crying and i'm like standing next to her and just for fun like why is she crying she was crying for funsies no she was crying she lost she lost the challenge all right first of all do you think that's unreasonable for me to think that someone has been sleeping up for four days just started to cry?

Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one. Grace loses this puzzle challenge. Another puzzle challenge. A different, yeah. No, sorry. Grace loses this maze challenge. It's like a maze and a puzzle kind of combined.

And she feels like there's a real target on her back and i think in her head she's like i needed that immunity or i'm gone so she almost i said like grace you're looking emotional she's like i'm not crying i'm not crying um and then they run this i gotta be honest at this point like this is like grace getting this far is like i mean it's like when like a team that finished fucking 4-12 last year makes the playoffs. Sneaks in the playoffs. Yeah, not a bad season. So, see, then there's this, like, confessional part where she talks about how badly she needs the money.

And it's the first time that anybody has really talked about the money. The money is a big prize, $10,000. Everybody in the pool could use it. But it really does not become about the money. It becomes about winning. But then she was like, I kind of downplayed the money. Like, I really do need the money, which was a very real-life moment of like, oh, fuck. That is an underlying thing in all of our reality shows that I like.

Because no one knows what anyone makes, but people have yeah and you at least know like where people are stationed here you're in yeah yeah so like it is kind of interesting to see like contestants probably like doing that in their head being like well fucking well i remember on this one kim kim doesn't need the fucking money yeah yeah that's one of the reasons why we voted her off too because we were like she doesn't fucking the fucking money. Yeah, that's one of the reasons why we voted her off, too. We were like, she doesn't fucking need the money. Yeah, I remember last year. Sorry, Kim. You've lived a good life. Well, oil.

Yeah. So, anyway, you. But that. Well, because then the part that bothered me was, like, the only part that, like, you, but that. Well, because then the part that bothered me was like the only part that like whatever was she goes because she had texted me because I didn't know about the money that she was going to give to her family. So she texted me being like, I didn't tell you this before, but like this money actually means a lot to me. Like I was going to give half of it to my family. And so I texted being like, oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know that. If it makes you feel any better, like it's only $6,000 and like the runners up usually

get more money in Venmo for sympathy, like that you're going to make much more if you're not the winner. And then I said, but like I- That happened once. What? That only happened one time. I know, but like- Well, it happened 100% of surviving Barstool time.

True. True. Yeah, 100% of- There has never been a surviving Barstool where that hasn't happened but that was a very specific situation with a very weird and rabid group of fans

but you're right well I was like if you give your Venmo out there's a high chance that like you'll get whatever and so then and then I was like

but like I said after I was like but like if you really want like I'll like switch places with you I had no idea about the money

and I wasn't but I'm just saying the only thing like I'll tell the with you. I had no idea about the money. I wasn't... But I'm just saying, the only thing... I'll tell the guys to vote you, vote me and not you, which I didn't really know how I felt about it at the time, but I just felt bad in the moment. You said that? You're going to take a dive?

I texted that to her, but the only part that they read was them saying... Like Grace said, she only said... This chick was willing to give up herself, but they just don't show that part. The only part that she read was... Ain't that reality TV, though. Jackie said, it's said... This chick was willing to give up herself and they just don't show that button. The only part that she read was Jackie said, it's only $6,000. So it sounds like...

That's so much better though. No, but it's so much better. Not for you. Not for me. It sounds like... You're like, I just got back from Dubai. It barely gets you anything over there. It's only...

Jackie, it's only $6,000 nickels. Yeah, buddy. Like, I didn't, there was so much contact. Do you have any idea how much a camel ride to dinner costs? Shut the fuck up. Wouldn't even get you halfway there. That's, that's, that is funny, though, that you could just see, I mean, you know these guys, Logan and Rob, they're fucking, they're, they're evil.

They don't see you guys as humans. They see you as just meat fucking puppets to turn into their little game. Love the term meat fucking. I could see him being like, that's what. No, and then. Like, we'll chop that moment of like

outpouring of love and emotion. Goodbye. And then she was like, so then when we were all looking for the idol, I was hoping that they would like show that footage because we were all like buddy, buddy laughing together. And then Grace kind of made it seem like we were all like for the idol, I was hoping that they would show that footage because we were all buddy-buddy laughing together. And then Grace kind of made it seem like we were all like, it was me and the guys being a pick-me girl and not talking to Grace.

But we were all one happy family. So it just makes me look so bad. I'm like, it's only $6,000. And then I'm all like... Yeah, that's not great. But I don't know. I didn't like... I watched it and I didn't...

I wasn't like... I don't know. I didn't, like, I watched it, and I didn't, I wasn't like, oh. I also don't, wouldn't, like, I also wouldn't know how to reply to that kind of, like. Yeah, I was going to say, that's also kind of bullshit in, like, the middle of this game to be like, let me fucking, like, or I don't know. By the way, she should have done that, like, openly to everybody and kind of, like, pulled on it. I guess I would have been like, yeah, I'm doing the same or something like that. I would have pulled a Francis and been like,

I have cancer. I can't do that. I mean, I don't know. So Dave said if he were to be in charge of this, he would A, make it $100,000, which we thought was going to happen last year

because Season 1 was such a success. I was like, they're going to pump this shit up and make it like a big thing. And then they did like 50 other game shows in between. I think if we had like one game show and it was Surviving Barcelona and it was a huge prize, that would be awesome. So that didn't happen. But he also said he would make everybody give up their phones. Sorry. Make everybody give up their phones, which is tough because you are still, like, living the rest of your life.

Although you guys really weren't. You guys were doing, like, 24-7. Yeah. In the past, it was like, or last season, it was like, okay, we did a little talking. Now I got to go, like, post this thing. You guys were playing the game anyway. So you probably, how much did you use your phone for not texting? Well, they told us before they were

like it's like again this is yeah you should do it but there was but there was occasional times we're like how many times were you like using your phone i guess like at night you were like maybe before bed just scrolling through oh yeah i mean like i don't i think you probably could yeah i think you probably could at first i was like i don't know i think that's unrealistic but now that i thought about how much you guys were just constantly deliberating and talking and all that shit, you probably could take away the phone. By the way, you'd have to make it $100,000 to take away people's phones. Ah, that's, you know, that's the only thing I think people are going to.

It's also like a social media company. Like if it was me, I'd be like, I can't do that. You know, there's a lot of shit. But like if Che was like, I have kids, he's like, here's the good news. You're in an office with 1,000 people. Yeah, sure. They can get to you. in an office with a thousand people yeah they can we will find out yeah but it's also like i could do that because i'm not like social media but like they probably are not like social media i'm not i'm not i'm not well you're not what i don't want

to continue well i'm a producer i'm senior producer you're not you're not like so i'm not this is like in sunny when the waitress says, I don't have the email. And he's like, what the fuck does that mean? Well, I don't have the email. I don't have the social account. Who said the wrong thing in that sentence? You have your own social media. Well, yes.

Everybody has social media. Everybody has social media. And I have social media. Did you say now? Like you haven't had it prior to this? Well, it's just now that I am a star yes I have social media yes but before like it wasn't told this bitch she's got to start posting more I know it makes me so I actually I very much like Jackie's social media aesthetic which is like I'm on a Saturday night here's a blurry bathroom well that's why I've always said I just want to try to find the perfect balance for you

because if you give if you change that you change the essence of Jackie. But if you stay that way, you're not going to grow to where I think you should grow to. I just like to keep them on their toes. Sometimes it's a blurry bathroom pick. Sometimes it's like a lot of rants about something dumb. Sometimes it's like a lot of like the last ones like what you should do is just do you see your most recent tick tock? No, gold mine. Gold mine gold mine gold mine it didn't go like it didn't do that well you're stunning i can't believe it usually these go flying off well the last one got a million you

know what i would say um to you you know you said it takes two double for you to do everything yeah um like how about we just kind of nip that in the bud and you just start doing double what you do? So if you do one drunk, blurry picture a weekend, do two. And if you do one rant a week, do two. You want me to do some more drunk, blurry pictures? I can do some more drunk, blurry pictures.

What's your name on TikTok? Jay Enders. That's funny. That's fucking funny. Thank you. That's funny That's fucking funny Thank you That's funny Thank you That should blow up Well I can't take full credit

Because I saw one guys And it was like Oh so you stole this Well it was like When like Trying to be a curb social hit So I was like Trying to be the top of the doorway

Oh That's good Thank you Thank you Very funny. Superstar. I'm telling you. I know.

But what was I even saying before? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'll post more. I'll post more. Yeah, you post more. So follow me. Yeah.

I wouldn't be too worried about the edit and how you look. I think that you come off as like a face. What I've seen, I missed the first episodes. I've seen two and three. I see you come off as very Jackie. Yeah, which is perfect. Genuine. Chaotic.

I think I said on the post show last night, Mad Dog, the microdosing producer, said I can't tell if Jackie's 200 IQ or 0 IQ, which is the Jackie experience. I can't tell you. I was the whole day being like, I can't tell if I'm being really smart right now or if I'm being really dumb.

I still can't tell what you did in episode three. I can't tell if you masterminded or if you fell ass backwards. Well, so, okay. Big shout out to Mattress Firm for making Surviving Bars still happen. It's one of my favorite things that I do in my career now. And to have them make sure that season two was as successful as it was giving us all the mattresses.

And the Mattress Firm suite was such an important part of the season. So, thank you to them. And thank you to them for unjunking my sleep with high quality. I'm going to get... Question. Can I get one of the electrical adjustable beds or does that make me 190 years old or third option it makes me 190 years old

but fuck it like you know because it's always the old people in the commercials where their legs are going up but also I laid in one the other day and it's like really fire to get your legs up I think I would say I can't do electrical bed.

I can. I think you can. That's so disrespectful. That is the meanest thing you have ever said about me. Well, but here's my thing with it because I've said this with my stuff about mattresses and I don't know. PD13, we're good. Well, my mattress is I like a spring because I like a little bounce back. And I don't know how much bounce back you're going to have on a motorized. No, it's just like a spring I like a little bounce back

And I don't know How much bounce back You're going to have On a mobile No it's It's just like a Fucking spring mattress But you can also

Move it around And also You know You can move it around Yeah But America needs sleep I love that It's like

I'm running for Congress America needs sleep And you gotta Unjunk your sleep And you can do that With a mattress For a mattress whether it's an adjustable one, whether it's springs, whether it's the temperature controlled, the molding to you,

whatever you want. And they'll give it to you for 120 nights for free. How many months is that, John? Four. Bam. That was quick for you. That was very good. It's a low price guarantee and 120 night guarantee to unjunk your sleep.

Go to mattressfirm.com or Mattress Firm store today to speak with a sleep expert. The intentions were mastermind. The producers really should have done. There is so much like, and they know what's going on and like the producers watch everything. You almost need like, if I was producing this, I would put, like, a graphic on the screen and be like, Jackie, like, earlier today agreed with Stephen Che to do this. But, like, 3 p.m., like, also promise the same thing to Eddie. You know, whatever.

And then you kind of, like, understand the lay of the land. To quickly break it down was, like, at the start of the day, well, so I went into the day, like, just being like, okay, let's just see how the challenge goes. And then I was like, I, like, don't want to be just the guys, like, running this whole thing. I want to try and, like, flip to the girls. Because then, like, with the guys, I was like, for sure,

final four, and with the girls, I could be, for sure, final three if we had, like, had the numbers. So then I, like, got both of them, and I told them everything. But in order for the guys not to be suspicious that I was having conversations with the girls, because every single time we had a conversation, somebody walked in. So I knew that I had to address it beforehand. So I told the guys, I was like, I know for a fact that the girls are going to try and pull me in. This was all that they didn't get because my thought process made it a little bit more clear.

But I also know that producing is hard whatever okay sorry i'm doing it again i'm doing it and i want to climb right now so then i um what was i just saying okay so then the so then i told the guys i was like here's the thing is i have a feeling that the girls are going to try and get me and rudy to all like join alliance and they because they had like also said like I'm worried about that so I was like they're starting to like try and have conversations with me all like if you see me having a conversation with them that's it but meanwhile you were having a conversation

saying but I was like but I'll go tell I'll tell like I'll have the conversation I'll tell you what they say um so then I had the conversations like with them but then I was like really actually trying to like persuade them I like told them, but then I was really actually trying to persuade them. I told them everything. But the guys had already gotten to Grace at that point.

So, okay, sorry. Okay, when Grace walks in, she's on the floor. We had already had our first conversation being like, it's the girls, like, whatever. So then she came in and thought that I was playing her when she saw me with the guys. Right, she was like, this doesn So then she came in and, like, thought that I was playing her when she saw me with the guys. Right. She was like, this doesn't look good.

So then she was like, okay. So then she just sits down. So she sits down and she was like, I'll do whatever you want. Let's vote Caroline out. And then, like, I was so annoyed. Like, my face was like, oh my God, shut up. Because there was, right now the plan was to go two and two

so that, like, if we, us three had voted, it would have knocked the guy, like, we would have gotten the guy like it we would have gotten a guy out if i don't know that doesn't make sense it makes more sense in your head but the point being that you had a thing in place and then by her coming in and doing that it fucked it and then grace was like well why don't we just all vote for like caroline whatever so then okay so then like then we have this whole mastermind plan to like like fake it with eddie get rudy out because we thought that he had the ring, whatever.

Point is, then Grace pulls me aside after and was like, I'm working with the guys. That was insane. It was so funny. You guys had, the three of you just had a conversation. And it was like, okay, good talk. You guys turn, and within one second, she's like, Jackie, I'm going with the guys. Yeah. Caroline was like, what was that?

And you were like, yeah, what was that? It was so. Because that was shady. She was like, yeah, that was shady. And then she started humming and singing. And it was fucking insane. I'm running. That was shady.

That was shady. That was shady. What did you say? I, yeah. And I was like, Grace, what the heck was up with that? And she was doing her Boston accent, which means she's lying. Was it me? No, wait, when you, when you, when you wish upon a star.

Okay, you guys are going. No, no, no, no, no. She's, I'm sorry. It makes no difference. What did you do, Grace? Who you are. Then she sang a song, which was so weird. So she's not capable of lying.

So I know she's lying. Are you just singing because you're nervous right now? No. was so weird. So she's not capable of lying. So I know she's lying. Have her sing, you dream. Are you just singing because you're nervous right now? No. What is going on? We debated on the after show. I think final verdict, like final answer, lock it in. Her singing was a good move because she didn't go home.

Yeah, I saw that. She didn't end up going home. So you got to say that that song wiggled her out of that line. It's like when a manager does a pretty questionable pinch hit. And you're like, well, I mean, it was the wrong play. But it worked. Results are all that matters. Because, yeah, if she had been like, oh, I'm working with the guys.

There was an equal chance that she could have said, oh, my God, you're right. I'm so shady. I don't deserve it. You guys should vote for me. There was an equal chance of that could have said, oh my god, you're right, I'm so shady, I don't deserve it, you guys should vote for me. There was an equal chance of that than there was of her singing When You Wish Upon Star. And I was just like, oh, this is like a real mental breakdown.

Like when, because it was, you know, it was weird. She sung for a while. And it was long enough that we were like, what the fuck? But then like, walk me through, she like finishes the song and then were you guys just like, okay, see you later? Well so so it took us a while

it took at least me a while to realize that she was like singing because she no because right before with this okay so

the serendipity thing can we talk about the serendipity thing? Okay yeah so the other thing which I'll come back to that I don't know I know we these episodes are almost

like an hour long anyway and they probably gotta cut some things but one of the biggest things that happened was a attempted power play by Grace. God bless her. Because I was about to say on Twitter, I was about to say, if you guys thought that the singing was crazy, like that technically might be her second wildest move. This was the funniest part of the whole. She took a UPS receipt.

Not even like she didn't even go find paper. It wasn't even folded right. Yeah, it was like a sticky piece of paper. And she writes on it in like block letters, like a ransom note. So you can't tell handwriting. What, do you remember exactly what it said? Because it was so convoluted and stupid that I can't even remember exactly what it said. So when she's sitting down like on the floor the room with me, Rudy, Eddie, Che,

she goes, we're all debating, and she just goes, does serendipity mean anything to anyone? Does serendipity mean anything to anyone? I picture Michael Scott, I declare serendipity! We all thought that she was giving a pep talk. Because the note said, if you have the idol it was or if you know who has the idol if you know who if you have the idol wait okay so so she's sitting there and she goes does serendipity mean anything to anyone and we're like are you like about to give it like a pep talk like whatever the whole time we were

like quoting like whatever so then she um then she like we're all like no like i have no idea and she then like is like i found this note serendipity in the mailbox upstairs and we were like what and it's also funny it was so everybody's reaction was so like i was like happening i was like i actually don't know what serendipity means and che was like do you want the definition of serendipity and rud chay was like do you want the definition of serendipity and rudy was just like what the fuck are you talking about like everybody's whatever so then so then like we all go up to the mailbox rudy and like eddie have like their bat they're like holding bats and like grace gets up to go and rudy was like or yeah rudy and i were like you

stay fucking here and they're like holding her up at gunpoint basically like while she's staying there like the whole thing was chay and i go up he finds the note the note was like the serendipity thing was like if you say if you have the idol say serendipity to make a it was like to make an alliance who has the idol or if you have the idol use the word serendipity in casual conversation and like i will come find you to form an alliance but it's like why would the person have the whole thing shoot it's not exactly that

but all of it was so convoluted that I was like all I know is that it made no sense for her target of that note to do what it asked we all were like we don't even and I mean you know what also i gotta say this behind the scenes you guys were doing more gameplay than i knew yeah because i i'm in the

dark they the producers don't tell me anything as a viewer at that point it i guess this is really only affecting me because everyone else that's ever going to see this is watching behind the scenes. From my point of view, you guys were just doing nothing ever. It was just like, nope, everybody is a good competitor and we're going to vote together and what I promised to do, I said that I do. I do it every time. I was just like, can somebody do

something Survivor-esque? I at least gave Grace credit for that. I was like, I don't know, you're trying something. Otherwise, it's just this robot over here being like, you're good and you're bad. And then, you know, when the viewers got to see it and I got to see it as a viewer, I was like, all right, they had this plan and this and that. But at that point I was like, at least Grace is doing something, albeit the dumbest thing in the world. Does serendipity mean anything? Yeah, so then we were all quoting it like the whole time. Like, Does serendipity mean anything? Yeah, so then we were all quoting it the whole time.

Like, does serendipity mean anything to anyone? So then when she starts singing, I kind of thought that she was going on one of her we should all be together rant or whatever. So then it took me a while. I was like, is she trying to say another clue or whatever? Because she's a wild card. What did Caroline do?

Caroline was just like, is she fucking singing right now?'s a wild caroline do caroline was just like is she fucking singing right now like what is going on i was like are you singing because you're no the best part of that whole clip is after i was like are you just singing because you're nervous right now she was no i mean i i said like the only person who has the like more nervous jitters and is less cool under fire than you yeah her dude i feel like a fucking like mastermind compared to her you were oh no you i mean you had a legitimate you know mastermind moment but compared to her you were i also said on the show on the after last night i didn't really understand the girls switching with the guys thing and then i thought

you did a very good job expressing why that happened. I thought if I didn't agree to that alliance, they would target me and vote me off. And I think that's a pretty logical thing. Also, the guys were just the more aggressive players. So when a group of people, guys or girls, come up to you and say, if you do this, you will get to the final four. And then if you make it further than that, we promise to all vote for you to win. And then the other group of girls, or the other group of people, in this case, being

the girls, are just kind of wishy-washy. Yeah. You'd be like, all right. Yeah, I guess we're all the same gender, but these people over here just promised me a fuck ton. Right. And I'm sure if there was a robot on their side, of the girl's side, being like, this, this, this, this, this, maybe you would have gone with them. But yeah, it did make more sense to go with like the more aggressive player.

It was also like I kind of said this at like the tribunal that's going to come out tonight or whatever. But they I mean, like Che was a technical leader, but it was it wasn't really like that way until kind of the end. Like it was at first like they were just all one packed. And so there was like so hard to break them because, like, I knew, like, if I had tried to, like, infiltrate and be like, oh, like, you two come over here,

like, they weren't, like, breaking. Like, they were just one unit. And so there wasn't a point in, like, trying to, like, like, even when we tried with Rudy, like, Rudy was just, first of all, he just, like, didn't get the picture that I was, like, being serious. Like, that just totally backfired. But also it was, like, even if he had,

he would have just been like, no, I'll have Grace. So then I instantly realized that, like, when they got Grace, I was like being serious. Like that just totally backfired. But also it was like, even if he had, he would have just been like, no, I'll have grace. So then I instantly realized that like when they got grace, I was like, Oh, they'll just flip me for grace and have them on there or whatever. Right.

So it was just a tough situation because they were like one unit. But that's where like, but we have the numbers. Che, Che not using the idol to save grace and bounce Rudy. Yeah. Is, is just,

it's, it's wrong. It's the wrong play. And I know Che thinks that he has these assurances from you guys at some point in order to win, you're going to have to cross somebody. Yeah. And that was the point.

That was the exact point. He could have kept the last place contender and got out the guy who's coming second place by a hair yeah every single challenge and it would first of all it would have been awesome it would have been like a great moment on on television to be like i promise you i won't vote for you i promise you i won't do this bam you're going home yeah like it would have just been a cool snake move and everyone would have been gasping and it would have been the whole thing but also you chose to keep a better competitor in the game at some point somebody's gonna have to win and lose yeah and it and you just made it harder for yourself by keeping the best competitor physical

competitor in there and not keeping the girl who is so frazzled yeah that you know you could make her do whatever you want that's just the wrong move i don't care what jay's robot brain says but also if he had done that i would have been like okay so packs out and then like at that point like if all that was out the window i would have been like okay then like this alliance isn't a thing anymore grace rudy like eddie let's get jay out well everybody seemed very convinced that if grace made it to the finals she was going to be like winning a sweep. And I just don't know if I agree with that. I think a lot of people were almost thinking about if viewers were voting.

Grace is very funny and likable. But I think when you're in games like this, viewers are like, fuck Tommy. He's a snake and a liar and a rat and he's annoying and he wants to win this so bad. He doesn't deserve it. And players are like, he's annoying snake and a liar and a rat and he's annoying and he wants to win this so bad, he doesn't deserve it. And players are like, he's annoying, he's a liar, he's a snake, and that's why he does deserve it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're a part of the game, you know?

So I don't know if Grace would have gotten all those votes because I think they would have been like, all Grace did was like lie badly and cry and sing, you know what I mean? So I don't know if that was Che's part of his game. But, yeah, I think he – I just think it comes down to, like, he was – When you get so sure of yourself. Yeah, it just comes down to, like, likability, too, in, like, the office.

That's true, too. And he just didn't ever try to cover his tracks. I mean – Like, in that regard, he was never trying to be likable. Yeah, in that regard. Like, he was not thinking – he was just thinking strategy, strategy. But mean... Like, in that regard, he was never trying to be legible. Yeah, in that regard. Like, he was not thinking... He was just thinking strategy, strategy.

But, like, it's like... That's part of the game, too, for sure. So, I gotta say, it is so hard to talk about this as someone who's bad at math. Because... It's not easy. I can see.

You're kind of like... It all feels like one of those questions where it's like, if Jackie, Eddie, and Steve are on our team, but Rudy and Grace promise this, and I'm like, I read those math problems, where it's like, if Jackie, Eddie, and Steven are on our team, but Rudy and Grace promise this, and I'm like, I read those math problems and I'm like,

I'm out. I'm fucking... It's the same thing as Final Jeopardy when you have to wager the right amount of money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like,

well, if I wager this much, but he can double his money and tie me, so I've got to do this plus $1. And it's not that easy in the moment. This is why,

oh my God, this is why I was coming in and freaking out. Jackie didn't even think about a tie once i didn't yeah i just was like i never even considered the possibility that there could be a tie my brain that was that was that day especially was the hardest i've ever thought in my entire life like my brain was on fucking fire i get that i'd be like i haven't thought like this since probably high school. Yes. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's like, it's basic, basic math. There's six people or eight people or seven people. And that means there's an odd number, an even number. And you just add them all up.

And, but it's like, it's not that easy because you forget about. Like, to me, the spreadsheet of it, but like, there's also like, if you have time to make the spreadsheet, whatever. But in real time, when you're like trying to day, like day whatever and you're not making fucking spreadsheets, you're like this is so... That's why I was like this is so fucking real to me right now. Because this is... Whatever. It was wild shit. Fucking watch if you haven't watched.

We'll see. So final four nickels over here. Represent for the girls. Delta 8 was the big revelation last year. We are on to bigger and better. We are on to Delta 9. What was that? I drew an 8 on my chest. Oh, now I got it.

More of an infinity symbol. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah. Well, I couldn't get both nipples in a regular 8. I know you're going for the nipples. I thought you were just going for the belly button nipples. That's a Delta 8. This is weird. Now give me a 9. You got it.

Alright, you did effectively get both of your nipples into PG-13. Oh, I could do a whole fucking alphabet. What do they call the alphabet for numbers? What do they call the alphabet for numbers is one of the funniest questions I've ever asked. Yeah. Well, like, what's the answer?

I think it's just called the numbers. The number scale? The number... Okay. So, yeah, but it's not called the letters. No, no. It's the alphabet. It's actually a valid question.

It's just... It's exceedingly stupid. But it is a question I don't... Yeah, guess what? Guess who's Googling right now. Yeah. What do you call the alphabet for numbers? I would guess it's called the number scale.

The numerical system. The numerical system. Yeah. Fucking not as cool as the alphabet. Not at all. Alpha numeral system. Alpha numeral system. Alpha numeric sounds cool.

Yeah. I mean. How about we call it the beta bet? What? The beta bet. It's not alpha, it's beta. The numbers are beta to letters. Numbers wish they were letters.

Numbers fucking wish they were letters. That's why they're always trying to take letters into their fucking equations and stuff. Yeah. Fucking math is just trying to be like, well, let's get cool with it. No one does that with numbers except fucking Mello and Jeter. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. We sound like we're on 3G right now.

This conversation makes no sense. Delta 9 THC is the new extract. Delta 8, we were already on that last year with 3G. Delta 8 takes all the good of THC from marijuana. The tingliness, the euphoria, the giggles, the good feeling, the high feeling, and you're not paranoid and you don't have sluggishness the next day. Now we have Delta 9, which is just Delta 8, but better because 9 is bigger than 8. Yeah.

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promo code stool5 for 5% off last week or two weeks ago, whatever it was. It was the worst. Bro! It went right in my ear. Was that on?

Yes. Thank God. How'd you know I didn't shower today? Yeah, you got it all over. Dude, that wasn't even a laugh. That was just a genuine cough. I'm sorry. Genuinely. He's not doing too hot.

Bro, that went right through my nose. I got on YouTube. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. That is hilarious. That was very funny. That was a full, that was a big funny. That was a full big sip. That was a full mouth of water

to spit. Okay, let's start. Because Brittany is cool enough to just laugh this off. Who would be the worst guest to do a full-blown fake Hollywood spit-take type of thing?

Right on their face. Who do you think would be the worst? The worst we've ever had or the worst possible? Let's do both. Kanye. Kanye would be tough. Kanye's a wild card. Kanye might just start lapping it up. He might spit back at you. No. He would start the building on fire. Yeah, you're probably right on that.

God damn. We had one of the worst interviews ever with Kathy Griffin. Yeah, that one. And if you spit in her face, that would be pretty great. What guess, which I think would get mad at us spitting in their face. Pretty much all of us. I don't know, pretty much everybody but Brittany probably. I'm going with it.

I'm down for it. That's a great trait to have. I mean, we were just talking about Kid Cudi walking off stage for getting a water bottle thrown. I feel like I should walk out. If you had any self-respect, you'd be done with us. But I don't. I don't think I could ever, even if I got really famous, if something like that happened and it was just an honest mistake,

I just don't think I could ever get famous enough where I'd be like an asshole to people over like regular mistakes. Let's wait and see. Cause I've also been like, there have been times where if someone like refuses to take a picture, I'm like, you're an asshole. Just do it.

But then in my very brief experience with that, it is sometimes there are like, Oh, if I take a picture, it's annoying. It's going to, and then other people are going to, and I just can't do it right now so you start to learn like not everyone that you

think is an asshole is actually being an asshole they're just being more whatever well i think yeah celebrities get a bad rap too they're like that person's an asshole and it's like no they're getting bombarded every second of every day like i'm like like i open for theovan and he every single time we're talking like out anywhere he talks to everyone and i'm like i can't do that well i've always thought that like that was like that's almost what the gig is like i enjoyed right this part and then the hard part is you know making sure everyone's happy and gets pictures and whatever else they want but yeah that shit gets hard yeah it's exhausting we we were at a bar recently um um, a crew of us and, a guy who just wasn't with our crew was just like,

he just became part of our crew and was just there. Yeah. And eventually it was like, you should have done a spit take on it. We did. We did. We poured beer on his seat and he sat in it happily. It's a good defense.

I didn't know that. I missed that part. No, we poured beer into his chair and, and then he just chair. Remind me not to cling on with you guys. And then we kicked him in the face. Beat his ass. Poured beer in his chair. He just happily sat in it.

Then we made fun of him and pissed his pants the rest of his night. No one else got it. Honestly, in front of him, it was probably the best night of his life. He was telling his friends how much fun he had. You guys were just trying to get rid of him the whole time. You ever create super inside jokes that no one else got it. Honestly, in front of you, it was probably the best night of his life. He was telling his friends how much money he had. You guys were just trying to get rid of him the whole time. You ever create super inside jokes that no one else gets? You're like, God, this is so funny, but no one else even cares at all. The guy I'm making fun of, too, his face doesn't get it.

I don't get how some people just don't. One of our mantras here is just be normal. Just be a normal person. It's shocking. I think that's bad advice now. Yeah, it's impossible. Because I think there's just so here is just be normal. Just be a normal person. And it's shocking. I think that's bad advice. Yeah, it's impossible. Cause I think there's just so few like,

this isn't normal. No, no, no, no. You're so fucking abnormal. It's insane. I guess everyone's like learn.

Everyone's mentally. I mean, I guess so. It's, it's, it's staggering how few people can just like, I don't know. We're in a room at the same time we introduce

ourselves you have a quick conversation and just like you're normal like that's it like just be normal i i can't do it i gotta throw the flag on myself i just spit all over her ruining it i gotta i gotta own that one like if you gave me advice five minutes ago and said be normal i would have already broken it that is true number one on how to be normal don't spit all over their face i don't think the pandemic helped either because everyone was just inside with their thoughts for a long time now everyone's outside with their thoughts remember keep your inside thoughts inside uh you're in new New York for how long? Till Thursday I would imagine hate it I like it in small doses

I want to like it more Because part of me wants to live here I want to come out here Because stand up is so much better out here But I just get anxiety And it's just trash and piss And determination I like to stand up for New York occasionally.

Are you from LA? I'm from Wisconsin. You're from Wisconsin. So, yeah, no, stand up for New York. You went to Young Gravy. Yeah, Young Gravy's a – Is he from Wisconsin? He's from Minnesota.

Went to the University of Wisconsin. Did he graduate? Yeah, he did. Smart guy. But, yeah, he knew it. Whatever. Never mind. No, he didn't.

We were making that up. The snail? smart guy. But yeah, he knew it. Whatever. Never mind. No, he didn't. We were making that up. The snail? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what kind of animal a snail is? Like what its classification is? Yeah. We all just went with like arachnopod. A mollusk?

A what? A mollusk? I don't even know what a mollusk is. You're all saying words I don't know. But I like, when people like, so we have, employees from Chicago and stuff like that who come here. And one of their schticks is whenever they come to New York, they take a picture of trash on the street. And they're like, what a beautiful city this is. But, like, every fucking city in the world puts trash on the street.

Sorry, real quick. And guess what? It gets picked up in the morning and it's gone in the morning. It's just out on the street right now because the trash hasn't come. New Jersey. To the ocean. Yeah, we're going. New Jersey. To the ocean. We're polluting with it.

We actually shove it under the financial district. This isn't real. This is just a floating island of trash. All the buildings are just made of trash. Manhattan really is actually built on top of a trash. Yeah, don't lie to us. It's like floating. By the way, a snail is a mollusk. No way, dude.

Mollusk slugs and mollusk of a phylum. So fuck you. When I tell you, I was really just, that's the only class of animal I know. That is. Like, what are the chances of that? That's incredible. Fucking mollusk. Unreal.

Yeah, it's like the cliche thing to make fun of New York in that way. But also sometimes it's like it is, that is true. I also think if you go to any city and you pick on the worst traits of that city, it's like, yeah, this place sucks. But also if you want to go to a Broadway show or a stand-up comedy show or fucking this or that, it's like the greatest place in the world.

Or buy a couch at 2 a.m. Done. Literally whatever you want. I think L.A. in small doses is awful too. Like I didn't enjoy L.A. In small doses? Yeah, until I lived there. Oh, okay.

That actually might be true. I almost think they're kind of like yeah yeah reverse maybe if i lived here i would understand it better and enjoy it more but i don't and i'm just because i've never done that like more than like 48 hours 50 hours yeah and it's kind of garbage right or do you like i don't dislike it i i don't i don't love it i don't dislike it it's it's a hard city to like navigate quickly because it is so sprawled out. And it's like if you stay in the city for a weekend, you can hit the village and the this and the that. And it's like you did it, a lot of it pretty quickly. LA is like you're doing one section.

It's crazy how much it's just called. It's just you're not LA. Right. It should just not be called LA. Right. What do you mean? Like some of these things that are like an hour and a half away should just be called the suburb oh yeah

California and California light you know it would be like you know if you called like where Clem lives fucking New York City it's just not

it's two hours away yeah Philadelphia is New York City yeah that's basically what it's like saying it's like get the fuck out of here so yeah Wisconsin for how long how long did you live there

before you got out I was born and raised in Wisconsin and then I graduated from Marquette, and then I came out to LA. All right. So you lived and did your growing up. I did my time. Yeah. You did like a 20-year bid in Wisconsin.

Do you like it? Do you go back to... No, I don't like it. Every time I go back, I'm like, why do people live here? That's the thing with New York, too. It sounds like piss. Yeah, people piss outside here because so many people live here. It's that awesome.

What we always say is that people come to New York, and they continue to come to New York, even though it's expensive and crowded and dirty, because there's this other side of it that is genuinely awesome, where you can make the most money, or you can fuck the most people, or you can go to the most clubs, whatever you like know but wisconsin and matt you can also fuck a lot of people anywhere you go yeah if you put your mind to it a lot of people the quality will be low that is the thing it will be farm hands the quality you know what i like to fuck in missouri nothing Missouri? Nothing.

This is wild. So I'm a big hockey fan, and in 2019, the Bruins and the Blues were playing each other in the Stanley Cup Finals. And we were traveling back. We were going to every game, traveling back and forth, flying back and forth to the games. And one night I was in St. Louis, and we were at a club. And I was like, what is happening? Is it like a fucking theme night at the club? Like, why are all the dudes with tables dressed like farmers?

And they were like, they're farmers. Farmers are rich, just so you know. And I was like, I didn't realize that. I thought farmers were poor. Like, no. Like, a cow is worth like $30,000. They have 100 cows. And then they kill them every year and sell them.

And I was like, but why don't they? Was this like the 90s? I don't feel like farmers are rich anymore. Dude, farmers are fucked. Farmers got cash, dude. Farmers is throwing around cash. Not the ones I was fucking. You're fucking the wrong farmer, girl. I was in love with a pheasant farmer.

You gotta get up that cattle. Yeah, cattle. Top of the food chain. I mean, it was such a blessing that he didn't like me back because I would have had his babies and just raised pheasants in Wisconsin. I loved this man. And he was like, you're meant for bigger things.

And I was like, no, I'm not. He harried the Henderson dude? He said, go watch it, Gary. Go to L.A. Yeah, that's what he said. He's like, go to California. I was like, fine. Fine, I will.

The self-awareness of that man. Good for him and very polite of him to just be like, no, babe. You don't want this for the rest of your life. This sucks. He's like, I'm an alcoholic. And I'm cheating on you. You're like, but the pheasants are so cute. I didn't even know what a pheasant was.

It's fine. It's a full conversation on pheasants. I still don't know what they are. No, they're like, I know what a pheasant is. But wait, so you grew up then, because that was my next question. Is it like, we're talking like rural. Yes. I struggle with that word.

Rural Wisconsin farming. I didn't know you farmed. I thought pheasants existed. I grew up in the sticks. Yeah, like kids would drive tractors to school. Rural Wisconsin farming. I didn't know you farmed. I grew up in the sticks. Kids would drive tractors to school. Get the fuck out. And then bully me. And now I wear cheetah pants, bitch. Sorry, my foreign tourists.

That's good enough for you guys. Getting bullied by the tractors. Dude, I don't know. It's humbling. I was like, I got to get out. I feel like driving a tractor school is kind of sick. Where are you from? I'm from Massachusetts.

Oh, okay. I think it's unique to us. Not where people drive tractors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's probably why. It's more of like a... It's like a knob. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa, a tractor driver. No, it's an actual John Deere. John Deere. Can he say that? Yeah. That Deere. Kenny's not. Yeah. That is amazing. If you're living paycheck to paycheck, you need Dave to help you.

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Instant transfer fees apply. Banking provided by Evolve, member FDIC. Future you will thank you. So you went from like, that's got to be like a culture shock. I mean, I guess you went to Marquette. I went to Marquette. So that was great. That was great.

That's like getting out. Then I met the basketball team, you know. It's like we have arrived. I remember when I first got to Marquette, one of the guys I was dating, he was this white guy. He's like, has the basketball team found you yet? And I was like, found me. Are they looking? I was like, I'll find them.

That is a very funny thought. I found them. I found all of them the thought of like some fucking sophomore white kid at Marquette dating like a new freshman being like

we can't let them find me we need to keep her here as long as we can like it's inevitable but it's just about how much can we get out of her first she's in rural Wisconsin okay

have you heard about black people no I haven't no Dwayne Wade. That is... I fucked all of them. Yeah, I fucked all of them.

I did. That is unbelievable. I feel like homie hopping is the term right now that's been thrown around a lot with girls who are running through a team or a group of friends or whatever. Turns out the teammates don't love it. No. Yeah, that's funny because for you it's

like i don't play on this team you guys have to get along yeah well the funny thing was i was dating this one guy and i met him through one of his teammates and then he's on the team yeah he's on the team and i met him through one of his teammates and then he like later in our relationship was like you're fucking my teammates and i was like i thought i mean you didn't know yeah that's how we met i left him to go home with you like do you not remember the night we met he got mad about it i thought this was understood right right yeah no that that's one thing that'll tear apart a team real quick right it didn't tear the team apart. It just did. Just that one person. The Jets quarterback.

Yeah. Zach Wilson. He was he lived with this dude. He was roommates, lived with them, teammates and like best friends from like whatever. And that guy now is is dating and fucking his ex-girlfriend. Is he also on the Jets? No, he's on the. He works at Domino's.

He's on the Redskins, so basically, yeah. On the Washington football command. I don't know where the fuck they are now. So Zach is now the quarterback for the Jets and doing big things. Is Zach white? Zach is white. They're both like BYU Mormons. They're all Mormons.

Oh. So they're like white guys. That doesn't count. They're not like fucking the team. That's more count. They're not like fucking their teammates. That's more fun. My teammate is soaking you. Which actually might be worse. I think I'd rather my friend fuck you than soak you.

I don't know what soaking is. Because the Mormons can't have real sex because it's against God. They just put it in and leave it. And then they will even go as far to have a friend go. Well, that's. Lupo, pupo. Yeah, that's the other variation. But the other one, they'll have a friend go under the bed and put their feet up and push the mattress up and down. Just start fucking.

Yeah, I agree. That's just sitting in your pussy while someone else moves me. And that's less like. Who is that friend? A ride or die friend. Who is that? Well, I would imagine

the way it works. It's the priest. I would have, in high school, I would have been that friend. I think it's, be like, John,

can you go move the bed for us? I'm like, yeah, I got you. I would be willing to bet you have a, like a, I do it for you,

you do it for me. Probably, but I would have done just a free ask. Just, if someone just asked. I think you would do it right now. I would, oh, I would, if you asked me to do it for you, you do it for me. Probably, but I would have done it just for an ask. Just for an ask. I think you would do it right now. I would.

If you asked me to do it, I would definitely do it. That's why you're a good friend, but also why you're just the biggest pushover of all time. 100%. So do they get to come? I don't know if I could come for that. I think when you're getting pushed. Well, you couldn't because you've had regular sex, but a Mormon. They could. Yeah.

I mean, you've got to really fucking push that mattress to come. I don't know, but when you're a young boy, don't you sometimes just accidentally cum? Yeah, probably. When I'm yelling at my boy Rick, I'm almost there. My legs are tired. My quads are burning. Drinking a protein shake. It's an IV

afterwards. Thinking about some guy under the bed being like fucking john's whiskey never gonna come i'm gonna have to go for 30 minutes tonight god damn it john can't drink whiskey he's a mormon that's true that's true god i mean yeah i can't and that's not just mormons but any girl who's like yeah no no like just fuck me in the ass because i'm i'm a virgin right you're a slut. The logic is absolutely... There was a girl in high school, one girl who did that, and I remember being like, this is the coolest girl in the world.

But boy, is this a ridiculous line of logic. No, that girl's got some dark shit. Oh, yeah, definitely. Someone else already ran through the other one. I was like, I don't think she's done. Uncle John already got her. We had a girl when i played hockey in high school and and one of the kids came back to the locker room once and he was like he's like dude i finally hooked up he was dating this girl who's like very catholic i went to a catholic boarding school and uh tracks and

and that happens a lot that tracks um and uh and he's like dude i finally fucked her and everyone's like dude like no way like she let you fuck her And he's like, dude, I finally fucked her. And everyone's like, dude, no way. Did you fuck her? And he's like, yeah, but only in the ass. And everyone's like, oh, word. How'd you do that? He's like, dude, I just doused my dick in cologne and used it as lube. Cologne.

And I was like, cologne is somehow a dry liquid. I feel like cologne. There's alcohol in it. Yeah, it wouldn't be very lubricant stimulating. And also it would go in his dick hole and start her asshole on fire. Look, I wasn't in the room at the time.

I just know what I was told afterwards. It didn't happen. Nobody dunks their dick in cologne. That's actually probably true because this is the same hockey team where, like, I've told this before where we were a hockey team so so we all shower together, obviously. The biggest kids in the world. And there was one time where we were all talking about, like, not all of us.

There were probably four of us in the shower at this point. And we're on one stall. The gangbang was on. It was just four of us. And we're talking about, like, how long we have sex for. And I remember I was like like i'm usually like 40 45 minutes i was a virgin and everyone's like yeah it's about me too it's about me hour 15 i was like all right cool we're all on the same page

is there like an equivalent for that with girls like when you're first starting to have sex, is there like a lie that girls would tell like that? I lied. So basically, I was really sheltered. My mom wouldn't let me like leave the house pretty much ever.

So I was brought to, yeah, exactly. It worked out well for her. So all the girls in my grade already were like dating and hooking up and stuff like that. So I just told people

that I was hooking up. Right. That would be the last. So I had sex before I did anything else. You went right home. I literally just called a guy like from the football team over and I was like, hey, come get it. Are we talking even like you didn't kiss?

I mean, sure. No, no. But you went from like not even kissing a boy to having sex with him? No, I kissed boys, but like I didn't do any of the other stuff. And then I just went straight to losing my virginity. So I'm not every girl. I think that I do that too. I'm not every girl.

I think that that would probably... I never had a blowjob before I got a pet sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had sex before you had a blowjob? I had to learn in reverse. Or it might have happened the same night. It might have been like one to two. I don't remember.

I was drunk. I did it in order, but it went zero to 60. Zero to 100. Wait, no. Okay, so if we're counting the 16-year-old time I lost my my virginity then yes i did he has multiple times he lost his virginity i lost it when i was 16 i lost it when i was 20 he's gonna lose it again today it was 16 i forgot about 16 year old time is a great i forgot about what i've had when i had sex when I was 16 or 17 in Spain and I just forgot about it. And like for my whole life.

No, you didn't. Were you raped? Yeah. Did you black it out? He does suppress a lot of things. Yeah, that's not a real story. He has been molested several times. That's not a real story.

I like, I lost Virginia at 19. I like told the girl, we started dating. I told her she was my first. And then like, I don't know know six months ago i remembered when i had sex at 16 it's like oh no fuck it wasn't lying it was just i just completely forgot yeah i mean i'd imagine some sort of sexual trauma that like you i don't think so no were you an altar boy i was not an altar boy no no but i mean we've gone over many times well but this was just sex with a college girl this is right but i'm just saying there's a lot of other, there's five or six other times.

Were you wasted? I just don't understand. I was pretty drunk. Yeah, but I got hard. So not that drunk. Congrats. Congrats. Proud.

Gang shit, gang shit, gang shit. I got hard and then I forgot about it for 20 years. I'm sure it was so eventful for her. Could you imagine that? That poor girl finds out that you've been running around just telling people for years that that never happened. It was so forgettable. It was actually pretty good.

I remember. Really? Now that I remember, I'm like, I feel like this is a lie. I remember she had her leg up on a sink and I was like, this is fucking good. No. This didn't happen. This happens. It's making shit up.

She was living in a hotel at the time. Okay, did you last 45 minutes? How old were you? 16. Maybe 15. That's not that. It's not like you were late. You went, you did everything quick, but it was like normal time.

Yeah, I just had to catch up. Yeah. I mean, when were other people that much younger? And like, I don't think you'd play much catch up if you're 15, 16 years old. I just felt like I was behind because everyone had been dating since like sixth grade you know what i mean they have like stupid little boyfriends you realize especially then and even now that everyone is lying about their sex lives you know what i mean sure so you're like i'm playing ketchup because you know all my girlfriends told me that they're like having

sex every day right no you're fucking not we're. We're in eighth grade, Jessica. Right. You know? You're living in your, you're still in your princess bed from when you were a kid. You're not fucking every night, you liars. Everyone lies about everything. Everything.

The reason I started smoking cigarettes when I was in college, this is crazy and a throwback, but they were handing out Camel Crush cigarettes on the campus for free when those cigarettes came out. They were just handing them out

in big tobacco. It's insane. I don't think it would be legal today no way but i i kept saying no no no i don't smoke i don't smoke and then finally i was like whatever i'll just take the cigarettes and so i took them and i put them just like on my table in my dorm and then i made this new friend and my new friend came over she's like oh my god you smoke cigarettes i smoke cigarettes too and i was like oh my god crazy so we started smoking cigarettes together and like nine months later we're in like the bitter cold like skipping class to smoke a cigarette and she's like do you want to know something crazy you know it's like sure and

she's like i didn't ever smoke cigarettes until i saw that you smoked cigarettes and i was like and that's how they get you big tobacco yeah both of us were addicted to cigarettes for like a decade how much longer did you smoke now we're all dying of cancer i literally just went to a hypnotist two weeks ago to stop smoking because i started how'd it go good i don't smoke anymore really yeah it worked because of that yeah shit this guy's crazy his name's carrie gainer like everyone in la goes to him for everything i went to him like three years ago to stop biting my nails that worked and then i started vaping because i quit smoking cigarettes like three years ago yeah and then i started vaping in january and i was like i have to stop this i was like waking up in the middle of the night with like chest pains i was like i'm

dying um and so i went to the hypnotist and it fucking worked it's like i don't even think about it anymore what uh so he just put you under and said like you're still kind of conscious he's still kind of like yeah he's the one that ron white went to to stop drinking oh everyone yeah everyone goes is it one session and done three three yeah the first time i went to him i remember i was like this guy's gonna be a hat because he had a hufflepuff pillow and i was like nobody is team hufflepuff i don't even know anyone who was in hufflepuff did you make that pillow yourself it was barely they don't even know anyone who was in Hufflepuff. Did you make that pillow yourself? It was barely.

They don't even sell Hufflepuff pillows at a Harry Potter store. It was barely a house. This guy's not going to work at all. And he's great. Can I ask you what runs your ballpark? It's $2.75 a session. Oh, that's three sessions. I thought. I would guess like thousands of dollars.

If he's going to radically change your life, he had like $10,000 a session. No. It's better than rehab, babe. So come on in here, you know? There's a movie radically change your life. He had like $10,000 in session. No. It's better than rehab, babe. So come on in here, you know? There's a movie I watched relatively recently. I think it's like Blumhouse, one of those Blumhouse horror movies where a guy is- The only movies that get made besides Marvel. Yep, pretty much.

I think it was like straight to streaming and it was a hypnotist who like would basically like hypnotize women and then like fuck them and make them that's what happened to him in spain like i think i would be a little bit afraid to go to like the best hypnotist like it's like i don't know what you're gonna do well no because you're still i mean so the plot of that movie is sort of flawed because like you are still awake and conscious it's not like you're unconscious you hear everything you can you know what sort of flawed because like you are still awake and conscious. It's not like you're unconscious. You hear everything.

You can, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're still there. It's not like you're out of control of your body. Yeah. And you think it was really that. Not like a placebo. You think it was like really.

No, it's 100% that. It works. Yeah. It's just worked for too many people for it to not be that. And it's always things like that, like addiction or whatever. Yeah, you can do it with like, eating stuff, drinking, smoking, honestly anything you want to work on. So Mike Tyson got hypnotized

into thinking he was the best before he became a world champion. Wow. So it works. So I'm going to do that next. I'm going to become a world champion boxer. What would you... Then we'll see if it works.

Put a really to the test. We'll see if it works yeah put it really to the test no trading the comedy special is out yeah uh from ho to housewife and the the clips are fucking unbelievable i mean you've got like I feel like 10 or 12 of them that have been running that are all like great A, perfect Instagram clips, great jokes. Thank you, thank you.

Like very good promo for the special. But yeah, I mean, some of them are jaw dropping. Oh, thank you. We were watching the one about your mom. RIP. R.I.P. R.I.P. to a real one. I guess I can laugh, right?

That's what I say during the set. I'm like, you guys not laughing at this won't bring my mom back to life. So like, fucking enjoy it. But it's one thing at a set.

It's one thing just sitting at a table with a person. It is different. It's one of the most if not the most like jarring jokes I've ever heard or not even jokes just like a fucking

fact a story I was like did not see that coming woo it's it's like if I'm the pheasant farmer

then I'm going out just in case you don't know mom killed herself right before the wedding but the way that's set up of like some people you know right before the photographer cancels or whatever the things are and my mom fucking jesus yeah yeah well that joke will divide a room yeah and i think the thing is

people think that their mom's killing themselves in that moment and i'm like it's my mom yeah don't worry and she was an asshole this is the other thing you're like jim mccurdy i'm like, it's my mom. Yeah, don't worry. And she was an asshole. This is the other thing. You're like Jen McCurdy, I'm glad my mom's dead. Yeah, well, I think the thing that sucks about people dying is you're not allowed to then talk about how fucking horrible they are. You know what I mean? It's like, assholes die too. Yeah, and it's people are like, your mom was fierce. I'm like, Beyonce's fierce.

My mom was a cunt with a mental illness and she tore our family apart shred by shred. So her killing herself was the nicest thing she did for anyone. Like, literally, when I got the call that she died, first of all, I knew she died. Because I knew she killed herself because she called me. And my whole life, she was just a wretched bitch. Like, we had not talked for six years. She was the worst person in my life, truly.

R.I.P. But I got a voicemail from her and it was just nice. It was just like, hey, I'm just calling to tell you I love you and I hope everything's good. And I was like, oh, she's going to kill herself. Because all of her voicemails would be like, hey, just calling to check in.

Anyway, Donald Trump's in my ceiling. She was mentally ill. So I was like, hey, just calling to check in. Anyway, Donald Trump's in my ceiling. Like, you know, she was like mentally ill. So I was like, oh, she's going to kill herself. And I got the call. My aunt was like, are you driving? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, can you pull over? And I was like, is mom dead? And she's like, yeah. And I was like, hang on. I knew she

was going to ruin my wedding somehow. But the fact that she didn't show up was like, best case scenario. I was like expecting her to come unload like hot, hot rounds on my wedding. But she just unloaded them on herself. We always say that like when bad shit happens to us, there's in the beginning, to be like this sucks but we have great material for the show i'm at the point where i think my first reaction it's not even a button where she's like yes but yes that is that takes the cake we're talking about like silly things not fucking yeah mom suicide no i immediately was like oh thank god

because she just wasn't gonna find it here you know what i mean it just wasn't working out to be happy it wasn't going great we need to change the scenery have a good reputation this is how much people didn't like my mom and this is dark but she killed herself 13 days before she was found so like no do you know how empty your life has to be and she had it fully planned or like she wanted to be found immediately but like yeah nobody wanted to come in the house because everyone was so scared of her. What is that smell? It's probably cooking bad dinner again. Everyone knows she sucks at cooking.

She sucks at cooking. I think we've talked about how long. We definitely talked about that with you. Yeah. How long would it take for somebody. It was six days But we Yes

But 13 is a lot That's way longer If he went missing For a week For six days I mean It would be quicker than that Because we would miss

Like we would miss this But I wouldn't be like So no You would only get like Three days out of me And then I'd go Like four days Because the first day

I'd be like I don't know He made me disappear Into some shit I don't know The And then I'd go like four days. Because the first day, I'd be like, I don't know. He made me disappear into some shit. I don't know. The next day, I'd be like, I gotta go check on him. Yeah. But that's like, that's because we have a job. Yeah.

She didn't have a job. She didn't have a job. Yeah. You didn't have a job. I took a shot in the dark. I assumed. So did my mom. Yeah.

God damn. That is good. God damn. I guess that answers that question of how. I guess, yeah, okay. Goodness, this is dark. Yeah, it's really dark, sorry. But isn't it great to laugh about it? I think the best and most impressive thing you can do

is be able to laugh and make jokes about that shit. It's great. But it's also funny too. It's great. You know what's great? I also have a loving mother.

I don't. No, the cops in the town that we were in, it's like small town cop shit. But like, she was like giving people, like telling people she was going to kill them

and like doing all this stuff where like any other cop that wasn't, you know, just kill them and doing all this stuff where any other cop that wasn't just eating donuts and doing fucking nothing would have gone and taken her gun away. But they didn't. Thank God they didn't. They didn't do that.

I was like, well, blood's kind of on your hands, Fat John. But that cop was fucking worthless. Shout out to them, though, for being like, let's just let that happen. Let's see how this ends. Let's watch this one play out. But that same cop, I mean, the town I grew up in was small and fucked up. 1,200 people.

Our neighbors cooked meth. Our other neighbor across the street. This is dark. Can we keep being dark? Yes, please. I'm like, this is really dark Can we keep being dark? Yes, please. I'm like, because this is really dark. You are on the right pocket. Our other neighbor across the street was trying to kill herself.

Trying? Trying. How often? Slitting her wrist just once. She was in the bum. Okay, okay. And her husband came in and saw what she was trying to do and was like, oh, she didn't finish the job and got his gun and shot her. And they still called it a suicide i don't disagree with

that i actually i don't disagree with that he was doing her a favor i would say logistically maybe you should have just helped her like finish the action and fucking shoot her because that's going to put you in a little bit of legal trouble but i guess not did he get anything nothing nothing not even ever really talked was it like the 1800s? Was it... They just said, okay. It's Big Bend, Wisconsin. If you go and do that today, you're gonna die. My mom killed herself five years ago.

You know what I mean? That shit's like, they don't give a fuck. Dude, that is... It's still suicide. It's still like... Suicide by... Suicide by my neighbor. The spirit of the act. Yeah. The intention. Yeah.

Yeah. So they had a great relationship, huh? Yeah. You walk in and you're like, no, honey, but all right. You went across the street and said, up the river? Like, come on.

Fucking idiot. Everybody knows now. I'll fix this. Yeah. She thinks he's running away to get a belt and tie off her arm. She's like, what the fuck? That husband doesn't know a cry for help when he sees one.

This was for attention, you asshole. I heard your car pull up in the driveway. That's why I started now. We have that jar up there that piggy bank it's supposed to be when Jackie started she was going to try to raise the morale

of the podcast oh boy sorry about that she gave up a long time ago but it was supposed to be anytime we make a reference to killing ourselves we have to put the money in

and you know both of us went broke real quick we're like we're not doing this anymore we make a reference to killing ourselves, we have to put the money in. And both of us went broke real quick. We're like, we're not doing this anymore. We're not talking about killing ourselves. Yeah, exactly. Goodness gracious. And then the wedding was just like, party? It was like, yeah, all good?

Yeah, the wedding. So the wedding was interesting because I had a drinking problem. And I was drinking at my mom my whole life. So the second I heard she was gone, I was like I was like oh my god I finally get to stop drinking but the wedding I'm gonna go balls to the wall so my gay friends yeah brought Molly and Kay and Coke and all this and we just fucking party because it was on a private island in Nicaragua we just partied for like yeah for like four days straight and then when I got back I was like I had to go to my mom's funeral and I was like this would be to go to my mom's funeral.

And I was like, this would be a good time to not drink. You know, like, let me test myself and see if I can not drink. So naturally, I blacked out. And then the next day was the last day I ever had to drink. Wow. Yeah. And the hypnotist for that, too? No, that was just sheer willpower.

Good old mom's dead and I don't have to drink anymore. Yeah, I don't need to kill myself anymore. Yeah, that's a big part of the special as well is is getting sober which i think you do in a very funny way like talking about how much that sucks but yeah um i i guess you answer the question it wasn't like a party thing it was like a mom well no it's like yeah or is the party so my mom like basically just told me like on my 10th birthday she's like you're gonna be a worthless alcoholic just like your father and i was like okay cool i'll show you but no i think i was trying to be better worth my dad yeah i think i was trying to show her that like i could drink and have all the things that she couldn't have like it was a big elaborate like performance

art piece but then when i moved to la i started doing coke and molly and that fucked everything up yeah because like my brain chemistry changed and i got really sad and i was just like not having so much fun anymore and kind of like losing friends you know because i'm like i'll tell you about you they're like we didn't ask i already knew all this internally yeah so i just became somebody that wasn't super fun to be around and i just decided to hold the plug yeah and then i also like wasn't doing comedy i like started comedy and then like I was still working my day job and I like was just

miserable what was that I worked in advertising so like a real job yeah I worked I was I had a recruitment for Media Arts Lab

which is Apple's agency oh dope yeah so was there any thought to just like doing that instead of comedy like I'll just stick with

well I did I did do that and then I'm I was very successful at that and I made a bunch of money and I still wanted to die. Yeah. As soon as you have a ghost.

So I was just like, yeah, this isn't worth it. This isn't. That's interesting to make it to the point that you're making a bunch of money. Yeah. Because I feel like mostly people get out of it before they're – because it's just a time thing. Usually by the time you're making money, you put enough years in it that it's also hard to switch gears so hard career but so you you could have easily just like put it on cruise control continue to make that money i think if i didn't listen to a single thing that i felt or thought i could have done that you know what i mean if i just shoved that down like the

rest of the world does you know we're laughing about it but that's what like 99 no i know but i was it was affecting me mentally and i was like this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing so i need to go do something and then you just quit that and start a comedy like there was no yeah at the end of 2019 i was like perfect timing yes i was like i'm gonna go full-time comedy and then the pandemic happened and i was like well but also like you you started at a time where it can only go up right like there's no worse year than that for comedy so if you can get through that yeah get through yeah that was 2020 i hate to say this i had a blast uh no a shocking amount of people share this sentiment yeah you're really not alone you're really not like because it was

like nobody was getting ahead i said i wrote an entire book i like wrote the book that i wanted to write i did shit i was like this is great as far as like social lives like i don't i don't like to go out much but i do i always feel like fomo and i'm always like saying no to people and i do feel bad about that and then that was gone yeah everybody became like me everyone was just like sit on the couch watching tv and there was no like oh i should or whatever it's like this is great minus the mass scale death. But like, I don't know. Whatever.

See you later. You got to cleanse. The planet did a juice cleanse. So wait, you started comedy in 2013. 2013. 2013. Then I did it for two years. And then I took a break for two years and then I came back.

So, yeah. I mean, that's, there's obviously, you know, we're talking like a decade under your belt, but to then have a special out, I mean, it's all relatively pretty fast, you know? Yeah. I mean, it's not like anyone gave me the special. I did it myself. I just decided I can't tell these jokes anymore. I will kill myself.

All right. I have to put something in the jar. Jar! Jar! It is a very good special it's very i was telling you it's very like the i usually don't really i usually think when i hear about how much comics will spend on a special themselves i think it's crazy because i but i don't think you guys need to spend as much as you do when i hear some of the numbers, I think, and then when I see the product, like 40 grand, and I feel like,

and then I see it, I'm like, I don't think that was worth 40 grand and I think you could find, like, the internet. There are fucking college kids with cameras and shit

that can do some cool things now, you know what I mean? That, like, you wouldn't even need to spend that much money. But, and then that's also my style is like,

it could be the worst uh like visual and audio if the jokes are fucking banger like i don't care uh but yours has a very i don't know it's very like quiet and your delivery and and the way the audio is laughing but there is something very like it's very silent and then like when you hit like the joke about like your mom yeah killing yourself like it just plays very well i got one of my biggest regrets in life is not staying as a video game nerd because i feel like if i continue to play video games the same way i did when i was a kid i would probably be a billionaire today with the way that esports and the gaming world has grown. Now it feels like the game has passed me by and I can't even keep up with the new games and the new consoles. That's why I'm pumped about Backbone though, because this right here, I'm almost 40 years old. I don't sit down,

I don't have the console connected to my TV, but this right here turns your cell phone into a gaming device, no problem. So you slide it in, it plugs in, and it immediately takes you to the app that you need. It immediately takes you to the App Store to download the particular app that you need, the Backbone app, which will give you access to all PlayStation games, all sorts of games that are modified to be played on your phone.

So you get to play these games. Let me do my Face ID. Install. It takes you right to the app. You download Backbone. And then it has all the games that are accessible to be played on your iPhone. But you get to use the PlayStation controller. It's designed using the PS5 DualSense controller.

So it's got all your regular PlayStation gameplay. But with your phone as the screen. This is as easy as it comes. You don't need all the consoles. You don't need to sit down. Look at this. It takes you right to the app. Bam.

This is sick. Press X to continue. You sign in with Apple. You start downloading the games, and you can play it right here with full control using a PS5 controller. It's about as simple as it gets if you're older like me and you want to dive back into the gaming world, but you don't have the consoles, you don't have the money, whatever it may be. You do have your phone. You do have the Play Backbone controller.

So go to playbackbone.com slash KFC now to order your Backbone. For a limited time, you get access to 350 different games and perks for free for a limited time. So if you are a gamer, you gotta go do this. Uh, it's the official partner of Diablo immortal. So not only is the game specifically optimized for backbone, but you'll also receive $10 of game in game perks.

So if you want to play Diablo immortal, it's made for your phone. It's made for the backbone controller plus $10 to spend in game. Find your next want to play Diablo Immortal, it's made for your phone. It's made for the Backbone controller, plus $10 to spend in-game. Find your next adventure at playbackbone.com slash KFC. I'm going to sign in right now and find myself. Face ID. This is as easy as it gets. It teaches you how to use the controller, all the different buttons, how to record your gameplay, how to take a screenshot so you can share it on on social this is as dummy proof for the old people as it is intuitive for the young people who are going to be gaming and you go to play backbone.com slash kfc to get access to all the games and you can play on your phone with the controller right here

i'm very fortunate because like i said i used to work in advertising. So I have a lot of friends that are used to working on like multi-million dollar campaigns. And I was connected with a production company in Austin that like does Citibank stuff. And like they're used to doing like these really high budget things. And they did mine as a favor. Oh, wow. So I mean, I paid like 10 grand or something like that. They would never do it for that little again. But it's like I got very, I wouldn't pay 40 grand.

You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I mean, that's more like what I think it never do it for that little again. But it's like, I wouldn't pay $40,000. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I mean, that's more like what I think it should be. That's perfect then. I mean, then you for sure got your money's worth in that one then. So that's out now. And you live in LA? Yeah.

Stay in LA? Yeah, I guess. I'm sort of thinking about coming to New York for the fall, but I need to see if I can make it through this week. Where are you staying? If I can hopscotch over the trash. I'm staying with Joe List and his wife.

They have an apartment in the basement. And yeah. Okay. What neighborhood is that? Astoria? Astoria. So you're in Queens. I still don't know all the neighborhoods.

So you're, yeah, you're like in Queens. That's like the outer borough. I have no idea where I am at any time that's the other thing I do not have a sense of direction like I'm not fucking Magellan I don't know

I've been here like seven years I still don't really know everyone's like it's a grid I'm like I don't even know what a grid is for real

if you can't navigate through like like midtown Manhattan you are an idiot that's atown Manhattan, you are an idiot. That's a fact. Okay, I'm an idiot then. Like the numbers go up and the numbers go down. Okay.

Whatever you say. I will say like no matter how long you're in the city, when you come out of the subway and it'll say like this is the northwest corner and I'm like. Again, I'm not a sea captain. I don't have a fucking. Right. I don't have a compass on me. I don't have a compass on me. I will look if the numbers are going up and I need, if I'm not a c i don't have a fucking right i will look if the

numbers are going up and i need if i'm in 50th and i need to go to 60th i look to see if the numbers are going up and i go that direction okay fine i don't need to know i can figure it out is what you're saying yeah i think i got faith in you okay i got i guess i know what a mollusk is yeah that shit that shit surprised me big time um we just asked uh uh young gravy before i want to get your take on this too this is a scenario that we've been uh pitching at multiple guests if you were uh dating somebody and their dying wish they have cancer you've been dating for seven years how imminent is the cancer uh stage four like they are done dying wish is to fuck their ex one last time oh yeah what it doesn't even have to be their dying wish is to fuck their ex one last time oh yeah what it doesn't

even have to be their dying wish they don't even need to have cancer like just ask nicely no you don't mean no i do mean that i really don't mean i really mean that so my husband and i are now getting divorced i love him dearly but like literally i i knew it was over because at the end i was like you should get a mistress. Like I kept being like, I just want- And he's getting divorced? What?

Hasn't he heard of having your cake and eating it too? I'm like, I just want you to get your dick sucked with the reckless abandon of someone trying to take a person out of a marriage.

You know what I mean? Like there's nothing better than that. I don't, yeah, I don't believe in monogamy really, for real. So it's nothing better than that i don't yeah i don't believe in monogamy really for real so it doesn't no they don't need cancer they can just go fuck their ass you have no ego with that you have no so i hated his ex at first and now i feel like i understand her you get along with her real well i mean like i just think that if you want to fuck your ex go i mean go dig through the recyclables i don't care i do think that it's gotten to a point with with relationships and stuff where it's like i guess you you know you have to you can't be a

total asshole to everybody but it's just like if you have a if you feel an overwhelming compulsion to do something or not do something it's you should probably do that you know if you want to fuck that person that badly you probably shouldn't be with me, you should probably do that. Go do it. If you want to fuck that person that badly, you probably shouldn't be with me. Or you should be single or whatever you're feeling, go do it because sitting here just denying how you're feeling is kind of crazy. Totally, but also I'm more worried

about my husband's aspirations or my partner's aspirations in this scenario. You want to fuck someone you've already fucked? You don't want to fuck Beyonce? Well, yes, but I also think there's got to be a, you know, you can't fuck Beyonce fuck Beyonce. Well, yes, but I also think there's got to be a, you know, you can't fuck Beyonce. You can fuck your ex.

How am I going to fuck Beyonce? Well, you're not. Who's getting to fuck Beyonce? I don't know if I, I mean, yes, if Beyonce was just like, you can fuck me, I would fuck Beyonce. But I think there would be a great deal. That's exactly how that interaction would go.

You can fight me. I think there would be a great deal. That's exactly how that interaction would go. You can fight me. I think there would be a great deal. I'm sick of Jay-Z's massive dick. See, I don't think Jay-Z, I don't get the impression Jay-Z would like fuck great. No, he's going to be lazy. I could, yeah. That's the thing about people that are too successful.

They're pretty lazy. But even before he was that, like, athletes aren't. He's very, I don't know, Jay-Z doesn't strike me as the type of, like, a wild fuck. Yeah. I don't know. He's laid back.

And, yeah, now he's old. But I don't know. Like, who gets to fuck Beyonce? That's a weird. Like, if they were to break up. Yeah. Like, who would be next? But I don't know.

Because then you look at Kim and Kanye and it was Pete Davidson. You never fucking know. You really don't know because then you look at kim and kanye and it was pete davidson yeah you never know no you really don't it might be you that's so true if kim who was like right on that level can decide to fuck like the angsty comedian guy yeah yeah i'm just saying b just saying hoer at me. I'll get all up in that behind. Because she does those tours where it's all women. There's no men on. I don't know if she does it anymore. Beyonce? All the dancers, all the everything.

A lot of the dancers are men. On her tour? Well, I don't know about maybe now, but I remember there was at least a tour where she wanted. Because I think it's different when you're a male star. I think male groupies are different than female groupies. You know what I mean?

Yeah, they're disgusting. Yeah, that's what I mean. Female groupies are the best. You wouldn't want to fuck a male. Yeah. The graduating class from ASU. Yeah. You know?

Yeah, like a male, a guy who's like, oh my God, I love Beyonce so much. Beyonce doesn't want to fuck her. No, exactly. Yeah, like my DMs are atrocious. Really?

There's no one good in there. Yeah, I can see that. No, exactly. Yeah, like my DMs are atrocious. Really? There's no one good in there. No. No. So if you're DMing Britney. At least you have the opposite sex in your DMs. Yeah. Would you prefer female groupies? Have you ever fucked around with chicks?

Yes. So would you rather that than like lame guys? Yes, 100%. Because the guys are all just like, let me fly you to Abu Dhabi. And I'm like, what? That's actually better than I thought. I mean, let me fly you to Abu Dhabi is a pretty solid pitch. The way they look.

No, thank you. I mean, I don't know. I feel like I would be great if I was a hot chick being a sugar baby and just like closing my eyes and being like, let's get this over with so I can go back to the pool at this five-star restaurant in abu dhabi i want to be that person so bad like it's on my vision board i aspire to be that person i went on a date the other day with this guy who's nice he's great and he invited me to go to paris with him for two weeks and he's like anything you want well and i'm like no i could i could never I want to go to Paris

so bad I love Paris but I don't want to fuck him but you were on a date with him right so like there was enough interest that date must have

gone really bad no it didn't go bad it wasn't it's just if you're not attracted to 20 year old me drunk me I'm in Paris

I'm in Paris right now housing rosé letting him blow my back out and buy me a rolex 30 year old me i you probably wouldn't even need to like put in that much of an effort but it's just energy energy's i don't i hear you i do get that but i just think i would be you know the energy afterwards when we're like at a fucking Michelin restaurant in an amazing place that I never thought I would go. Yeah, I've been to Michelin.

You know, I just don't. Yeah, well, that's the other thing, too, is once you've done some of that shit like on your own or without like the help of the show. Didn't have to suck a dirty dick to do it. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also have an Amex, so. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

It's 2022. Women get Amexes, too. You hear about equality. My limit is much lower. How much money do you think you could make on an OnlyFans? God, I get this question so much. I don't know. How much do you think I could make?

I think you could make a lot. Should I start one today? I've been saying this to everybody too. I would absolutely start an OnlyFans. If I was even slightly attractive, even a regular girl, known, not known, the amount of money, I think everyone's going to have it eventually and going to make some money. It's going to be like just having – you have an Instagram, you have a Twitter,

you have an OnlyFans, and how much money you want to make with that is up to you. Like what you want to do on it is up to you. Here's the thing about OnlyFans. I feel like if I started in OnlyFans, I won't be taken seriously as a comic. Yeah. But I don't know if I am anyway. So I'm just starting. I do think there's some level of – there's a stigma.

And certainly in comedy, they love to gatekeep on who's put in their time and paid their dues and deserves it and doesn't deserve it. But if all of a sudden you have a shit ton of money you're doing everything you've ever wanted to do you're producing your own this and that and can like you have all the money to make all your shit happen i'd be like i don't fucking care what you guys think yeah you know yeah i'm starting an only thing i think the thing that bothers me about only fans is everyone who dms me about it like being like do you have an OnlyFans I look at their page and the first picture

is like them and their girlfriend being like this is the love of my life and like she thinks that you're her OnlyFan well they want to just jerk off to you yeah

well they can do it anyway I pretty much post a lot of shit on Instagram like you some of the shit you post on your Instagram could just be behind a paywall and you're getting money for it

okay I'm gonna take it all down you really should i mean we've had multiple girls here start only fans and make like 30 grand overnight really yeah okay like other girls here who have other girls who have you know they have a good following and they're popular as well but like you know if that's on only, you're making fucking 100K. But do I have to interact with the people that are looking at it?

You can do whatever you want. You can if you want. You can make more than that. You can pay some other dude to fucking, you can pay somebody to do the interaction for you. Yeah,

they have like services now. Some dude in India just rates dick pics for you. There's something in my heart that's like, once it's paid for, it's work and it feels dirty.

It's like all the sex I've had if I charged for it, I would feel horrible. I'd be really rich, but I'd feel – I might be seeing a strobo now. That makes me sleep at night. I very, very much get that. But, yeah, I mean, it's like – how backwards is that, though? It's like I will fuck you for free.

I will regrettably fuck someone who I probably shouldn't. And if it's for free, I can sleep at night. But if I got something out of it, no, no, no. Then I feel awful. I don't know. That's why I never orgasm when I have sex. Is that why? I don't want to get anything out of it.

There's something going on with you. Your sex stories are not adding up. There's a lot going on. No, you have no idea I don't think anybody does Alright let's go do some answer to the internet Yeah sure So the special is from Hoda Housewife

Yeah It's on YouTube Yes Under 800 pound gorillas Correct Which is Kevin Hart's production company So you can go catch it there Very funny special.

Good in and out. It's like 35 minutes, right? Yeah. Like no lulls, trimmed all the fat. Very funny stuff. And if you haven't seen any of the clips by now, I don't think you're on Instagram because I feel like those are fucking flying around left and right.

So follow on Instagram, Brittany Schmidt, and check out the YouTube. And thanks for coming. Thank you so much. Everything else? No. Good? Bye. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.