KFC Radio - KFC Radio: Solo Movies & Marinated Fruit + Large from Take A Report

Episode Date: June 5, 2018

We breakdown Feits nightmare experience going to the movies alone and our newest venture "Alone, Together" coming to a bar near you this Summer. Also, is marinating fruit in your vagina all day the newest trend to sweep the nation? Barstool's newest hire, Large from the infamous Take A Report blog, stops in to tell his story and for some voicemails about finding your Mom on a cougar website and whether condoms are a myth.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio. Today is brought to you by Burrow. Feidelberg sleeps on a burrow every night. I'm going to be copping one soon. Burrow is the luxury couch game, but it has been flipped on its head and completely reinvented. From style to shipping, from comfort to functionality. Burrow, they put the time and the thought into making the perfect furniture and the perfect couch so that you don't have to worry about it. You don't have to worry about the functionality of it.

You don't have to worry about the delivery, getting it in, getting it out. It is the most perfect, most comfortable couch overall. I had a little tweet the other night when I was talking about, you know, I didn't leave my couch all weekend. Son of a bitch. And I did a screenshot of my phone, and obviously someone came in like, charge your phone, dude. Always. And I was like, dude, I'm on my couch. I don't ever charge my phone on my couch.

I just wait until it dies and I grab my laptop. On a burrow, it's got a USB. You plug that shit into your couch. I just wait until it dies and I grab my laptop. On a burrow, it's got USB. You plug that shit into your couch. Oh, shit. Yeah. That is a game changer. You can charge your phone on your couch. That is clutch because I have one charger that is like

a 15-foot cord, and I need that. If I want to be where I'm on my couch comfortably, I need to go find that one because it's the only way I can do both at the same time. USB in the couch is some next-level shit. It's as next-level as you could possibly get. That's like if you have the one with the little fridge and you have one with a plug. That's all you could ever – I would literally –

I actually would suggest – like, Burrow's smart. You can only have one of the two because if you have both, you'll die. You'll never get off the couch. You'll die. That's true. I will die on this couch. If you have a couch that has the USB, you have like a boat. You're like living.

You're like on like a piece of like – that's like transportation almost at that point. You never have to leave that thing. Wow. That is – that's it right there. That's all. That's the pitch. You can plug your phone into your couch. That, my friend, is living in the future.

You can tell me about Uber driving cars by themselves. You can tell me about Elon Musk putting rockets on planets. You give me a couch that I can plug into. Yo, the Jetsons didn't even have that. Right? George Jetson would be impressed by this. Flying around by cars, still can't even plug his phone in his couch. Go to burrow.com slash KFC.

Get $75 off your next couch that you can plug into order. That's B-U-R-R-O-W dot com slash KFC for $75 off. We got a big episode coming up for you. We got the latest hire at Barstool Sports, my man Large from Take a Report. He is one of the original internet OGs who is, he's throwing it back and people are reading his blogs. And I think, I think there's a lot of Barstool readers around from, you know, 2009, 2010 who remember days like this. But I think there's a big chunk of readers who have never read, have never read blogs written like this. So he's a good throwback. We're going to

have him sit down and talk with us in a little bit. We got a couple topics to get into. But, John, you had yourself a weekend where you just sat by yourself for 72 hours. Cuzzle. And really. After hanging out with McAfee last week, I've started saying Cuzzle. You got the Cuzzle bug. I mean, it's fun.

It's a good one to say. It is a good one. It's a very good one. What's happening right now with KSC Radio, with you, me, it's dangerous. Because we are starting to fully embrace the life of being alone. I'm not starting to. Yeah, but i mean like we're very publicly now like owning it and i think we're gonna like push the throttle on it and that's a little dangerous because that really is how you become like a full-blown recluse hermit and die alone and like

they don't even they don't even know you're dead until they smell your body like five days but here's the deal. It's how I've lived my whole life, but I genuinely think there's value in it because I think when you hang out with too many people, I think you dilute yourself. Oh, yeah. And I think you – not even like spreading yourself too thin or anything like that, but I think you're trying to make too many other people happy, and you kind of lose yourself.

You do. Where I don't try to make anyone happy but me. Think about how many times, and if you're with like your close family and your close friends, maybe you can just be your true self. But otherwise, we always talk about you always hide your true self. Think about how many times you're laughing at a joke that you don't really find that funny. And then if you do that enough, guess what? you don't remember what's funny what's not smiling wait a minute like my dad like he's telling me like when he started as a salesman like he was told like smile when you're on the phone even though they can't see you it just makes you seem happier

and so like if you're like smiling like you're tricking your brain to thinking that's actually funny and like you're like pretending to like these things you kind of lose what you like and i don't talk to people i i someone saw me roaming the streets alone by myself on Sunday. I do everything alone, and I am unapologetically me. Maybe I should hang out with some other people and dilute this poison. You could use a little bit of dilution. But the fact is I don't't and i'm not yeah you and that's where you will find yet you truly like you you believe what you believe you say what you believe you don't do anything you don't want to do you're

just living when i say your best life i mean like your best mediocre life it's not like a best life it's just the best version of the life you could possibly live you know which is what i mean i i can't there's nothing worse than laughing at a joke you think is not funny. Or, like, you ever watch a game with someone who's, like, spouting off stats that are incorrect or they're giving opinions that aren't good? Yes. And you have to – and it's like, am I really going to – like, I got a cousin who does that. He'll be like, oh, that's, you know, that's, like, what the Jets do.

And I'm like, no, it's not, dude. But I'm not going to say that. So I just say, like oh that's you know that's like what the jets do and i'm like no it's no it's not dude but i'm not gonna i'm not gonna say that so i just say like yeah you're right fucking todd bowles man and i'm like god i'm such a sellout where i'm just like absolutely catering to these other people but we are now fully and publicly committed to the to the lonesome lifestyle and uh we're and and and we're kicking it into high gear with this solo movie trip. That is something that – It's something – it's like the Wall Street Journal wrote about it today. I don't want to pretend we invented it. No, no, no.

We are by no means inventing going to the movies by ourselves. Let's be honest. The Wall Street Journal probably ripped us off, but whatever. Yeah. They probably saw that article Friday and were like, okay, let's go now. I'm not saying we have no influence. I'm just not saying we didn't invent the idea. It might sound silly, but over the last ten years, there's been too many, like, quote-unquote, coincidences like that.

Just in general. Where, like, we talk about something at Barstool and then, like, other articles pop up. I'm like, that, it's just something's going on there where someone's keeping an eye on what is trending and what's being talked about. But I think that over the years at KFC Radio, we have opened up certain doors for listeners that they previously thought were weird, taboo. Oh, we've definitely done that. Even myself.

You could probably find old episodes where I was making fun of you. I still think Trent going to John Mayer alone was a bit much. Yeah, we definitely is too easy. Explain. Like, I was probably against it when everything was like roses. And I was like, yeah, hang out with friends and be around people. And then you start to go through some shit and you're like, I just want to be alone. Like, I think if you don't have any. Everyone hits that. I think I've said it before.

I mean, like, my mom's running joke is if my dad didn't have to legally live with us, he wouldn't. He wouldn't. Because eventually you're just like, I got to get out of here. I need some quiet time. I don't want to be bothered. I want to just watch this movie by myself. I don't know if he legally has to, but, you know. Of course.

Morally. Like, socially has to. I think that, you know, you haven't. Maybe you're still young. Maybe you're still happy. Maybe you haven't had any hardships still young maybe you're still happy maybe you haven't had any hard hardships yet but i'm not unhappy i want to clear that up i'm not like super on i don't think uh i don't just sit there and stew this is a conversation we've had with the higher ups recently um and they i'm not unhappy i just i just don't I'm not unhappy. I just, I just don't, I'm not happy. If that makes sense.

I'm not actively upset. Yes, you're not actively showing, one way, you know, you're not showing your happiness. I just don't have emotions. Yeah, well, you're dead on the inside. Yeah, I'm not unhappy. I'm emotionless. I actually, I don't think people ever understand what's going on with me, where they think that because my internet takes are always like,

fuck this guy, or that's not cool, or't like this that that like that's how i am like if you if you meet me in person i'm not gonna be like fuck you man i hate your outfit that joke sucked and i'm a fun guy to be around but on the inside when i'm dealing with a whole bunch of shit i'd you know i'd probably much rather not be around you yeah and there's no better place to do it than in the movies because when you think think about it, it's the one place you should be alone. You're not talking. You're not interacting. Who cares who you're sitting next to?

It's a good, you know, it's a good socially speaking, like go on a date sort of thing. But the better way to go to a movie is by your goddamn self. And so, you know, we were, you tried to do that. I fucked up. I mean, it's the easiest thing in the world to do is just go by yourself, and you somehow fucked it up. Well, because I like to be so alone,

I don't like talking to people, right? So I walked into the theater, and I do it all the time. I think I've said it a bunch of times. I go about two, three times a week. I go to the movies alone, and I walked in. It's a little bit much. I usually see, well, what I'm doing is, like, when Keith and I don't get drinks, and I'm like, super bored and I know I have – like, usually Keith and I go get drinks after work when you're doing radio.

And that's, like – Sucks. So annoying. A little – you know, a break in my day between work and home. You know, I don't like the feeling of going right home. Yep. So when I don't get drinks with Keith, I usually, while I'm walking home, I just check. I don't plan my day around it, but I walk by a movie theater on the way home. And so when I'm walking home, I check by showtimes.

Am I going to line up with something I want to see? Okay, I'll see it. So I was walking home on Friday, and Keith went to the Cape on Friday, left me alone. And so I'm walking home on Friday. I checked it And I saw that Deadpool 2 was playing at 5.30 Perfect timing It would have meant that I couldn't pick up my laundry

Which is tough Life's hard, John Well, I only have one pair of sheets So I was going to have to sleep on the bed Just bareback, you know Please Yeah, I've done that a billion times And so I decided to go in

It was right before showtime So I only had tickets to row A available. Brutal. And I. Are we talking, this is like an old school movie theater? No, no, no. New school, but still row A is row A, you know? And I almost scrapped the whole plan.

I said, you know what? Fuck it. I'll do it. I actually, I have, my mom got me a massage to Equinox that I've been just, she got me for Christmas. Shout out to Paul. And I've been putting it off, putting it off, putting it off. I figured that would give me an excuse to use it on Sunday.

And I get in there, and it's a pretty empty theater, and the woman who I was supposed to sit next to has her purse on my seat. And, yeah, I could go ask her to move it. Sure. That would require interacting. But, like, yeah, not only interacting, but just asking the smallest possible favor of somebody.

I don't like, I'm like Andy or Dwight where it's like, I don't like being owed a favor. You know, that could come back to haunt me in the afterlife. Like, hey,

that woman did a favor for you and you never repaid it. Even more importantly, it's like that woman would act like you're really doing her a favor. Oh, she would. Like, what should happen

is like, oh, excuse me, miss, can you move that? Yeah, sure. And instead, it would probably be like, Yeah, she already had her legs up, she was on her phone. I could tell she was the kind of gal who didn't like

to be like, hey, can you move your purse? That's my purse's fucking seat, bro. So I said, fuck it, most of the theater's empty, I'll go sit in row C. And I grabbed the aisle seat there and then the lights went off, because it was moments before the 5.30. The show was about to start, you know, where the previews were.

And I sat in this aisle seat. And then once the lights went off and the previews started, I think Hotel Artemis was the first one. People started flooding in throughout the movies. A little late. Because with assigned seats, you know they're going to be 15, 20 minutes of previews. You can come 15, 20 minutes late because you're not trying. Even though I've talked with previews, I understand what you're saying. Yeah, if you go two or three times a week, though, you see them all the time. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

You're as depressed as John. So people started coming in, and I was just sitting there. I never reclined because I was too nervous. I figured for some reason if I was sitting upright, I would be more intimidating. Yeah, the guy who's just sitting with a stick up his ass isn't going to look suspicious at all. No, I wasn't trying to avoid suspicion. I was trying to intimidate. Oh, I feel you.

Okay. Dude, go find another fucking scene. Got it. I had my chest popped out. Got it. And so, previews are going. I think there was Mission Impossible. There's that X-Men one with the kids.

It's not even X-Men, but it's X-Men. Mm-hmm. And the Grinch is kind of coming on in between every preview it's i don't know like he's like hosting the previews or something like that i guess there's a new grinch coming out and uh finally he's like just start the show already and i was like yes it's starting and then bohemian Rhapsody started. So I was like, okay, this has to be the last one. So I was finally starting to calm down, and I was starting to recline. And I could see in the front the shadow of a person, but I couldn't really make out what it was.

And I just see its hand go up, and the lights of the theater pop on. And this ratty hair, kind of haggard looking lady just i could tell she was like the amc like manager yeah she just had that body type of a movie theater manager in new york city she's basically a movie theater bouncer right now right it's like get out of here and she's very annoyed at the moment she goes i'm gonna need to see everybody's tickets we have assigned seats for a reason, people. And I was like, you've got to be kidding me. Take your job more seriously, you asshole.

And there's only one guy in this theater who broke the rules. In a panic, I looked around, like, hoping to find another empty seat and think maybe there's another guy here who he's out of line and she'll catch him before she catches me. We'll solve this whole conundrum. And there were no other seats. There was nothing. A2 was my seat.

It was the only open seat. And I decide that I got to get the fuck out of there. I don't know. I don't know why. There's a rational reaction. I thought you could arrest me or something. I don't know. I've never grown out of that feeling.

You know as a kid when you felt that? When you were like, I can't know. I've never grown out of that feeling. You know, as a kid when you felt that, when you were like, I can't have an adult mad at me. Yeah. I get uncomfortable and I'm worried that when an adult's mad at me, it's just the end of my world. I'm still like that. It's like – Like Erica or Dave can yell at me at any point and I'll turn into a puddle.

Actually, not even yell at me, but just be like upset with me. That's the best example. You get pulled over and it feels like you're going to jail. I crush pullovers. What do that mean? I've never gotten a ticket. Because you've talked your way out of them? I mean, I don't talk my way out of them.

I'm personable. I'm like, hey, what's up? I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah. I think it's only been three times, but I'm three for three and getting out of it. That doesn't. Get the fuck out of here. But so I devised a plan. She's going like A1.

She's checking everyone's seats and i devise the plan that when she gets to row b and her back is to me i'm i'm just gonna run rather than be like yeah in front of a whole theater of people and have them be like that fucking asshole fuck my day up i but i think i would be like it was this woman with her purse oh no that's causing a bigger scene yeah i know no i wouldn't do that shit, not for a million dollars. I'd get the fuck... I just grabbed my bag. I was prepared. I had my laptop bag

in my lap because I was coming from work. I had my laptop bag in my lap and I was like, wait for it. Wait for it. Hold. Hold. The moment she turned. Out of there like a fucking bat out of hell. I was like the Equalizer 2 was another one of the previews.

I was like Denzel. You know how you picture yourself leaving a movie like you're in the movie? I was picturing myself as Denzel. Bat, bat, bat, bat. Just fucking hit. What do you call it? Elbows and hips. Elbows and hips.

Bat, bat, bat, bat. Down the stairs. Skipping stairs. I wanted to jump over the side of it. You were such a fucking lunatic. Escaping from a movie theater because you felt like you were in trouble for sitting out of seats like you're Denzel Washington. I ended up getting caught. I didn't get caught by her.

I liked the picture that she finished the roundup. And was just befuddled. Wait a minute. Everyone's got their seat. Everyone's in their assigned seat. This is confusing. But I guess it was like, open the door. This fucking little prick in the head, like Sperry. He was like the classic, like he just moved to Murray Hill, like graduated, like he graduated

like two weeks ago. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And he had like three other fucking AMC employees around him. Like they'll hold him brooms and shit. Like they were going to beat me. And one guy's just like, did you enjoy the movie, sir?

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely, definitely. Fuck you, buddy. I mean, who leaves the movies in the middle of the previews? I was going to say, not even the middle of the movie. Middle of the previews. I think I would have pulled my patented, like, grab my phone, like, hello? What? Who's been hit by a car?

Okay, I'll be there in a moment. I'm going to run. It's an emergency. Someone's dead. I like to think that she finished the job and was very confused, but I'm sure. The second I turned the car, someone was like, I'll tell you who's very confused. He's gone. Me and all the other listeners.

You asshole. I actually do feel the notion of an entire movie theater of people. Even if it was a quick clear up. Having to be like, it's me. I don't get down like that, man. Can't have that. I'll never see those people again in my life. You know what the worry is though?

I just wrote a blog today too about Best Buy. Barstool is so big now. That's probably going to get back to people. That AMC probably knows me now. Yes. You can't have – you can't do anything anymore, like, under the radar. You can't have, like, a small little, like, slip up and just be like, ah, all right. Like, tomorrow's another day.

Like, no, that will live with you forever. I could do it and just not tell hundreds of thousands of people. Yeah. But, you know – But then I'd be bad at my job. They could have noticed. They could have seen you before you even wrote that blog. Mr. fucking Murray Hill was probably like, oh, shit, that was Fidelberg.

Fidelberg was the one running out of here after breaking the rules. It's too much. Everybody knows too much of our business now. You can't go under the radar with even the littlest things, such as sneaking in or out of a movie. John snuck out of a movie. Who sneaks out of the movies? The asshole John over here. The dumb one.

Idiot. Anyway, most of us can successfully pull off movies alone, unlike John. So what we are doing is we're going to launch a new live event at KFC Radio. A few years ago, we pitched the idea of Metflix, which was a dating app based on your Netflix behavior. Apparently, they went ahead and invented that. That's actually a real thing, which sucks because we got straight up. Oh, we did. We got Winklevoss.

We said that years ago. We got Winklevoss. We first brought up Metflix a long time ago. We called it Metflix. We said, this is copyright. This is exactly what it is. Apparently, they went ahead and did that. So we can't call this idea that.

We were never going to do it. No. But we have been pushing the idea of alone together for a long time now. And so we're applying that to our love of going to the movies solo now. So the latest, the next endeavor for live events with KC Radio is going to be Alone Together. What we're going to do is we're going to pick a movie. We're going to give you like 10 days or so for everyone to go on their own time, see

this movie alone. You can go see it with someone else. We're not going to be sticklers about the rules here. And we'll pick a bar and everybody comes to the bar for like a happy hour where we're all going to talk about the movie. Maybe we'll do a little bit of a live thing with the podcast. Maybe we'll be asking and answering some questions with some video. But it is a chance for everybody who likes to be alone,

but needs some sort of social life as well, come together, talk about the movie. It's like book club, but for fucking movies. And this is Brandon's idea. Yeah, I mean mean of course i mean as as are all ideas that we do here this is super producer bc's weird brain because you know what it is too is i have found you get to a certain point in life where your real friends start to bother you and it's like you know what i like my internet friends who know the deal they're kind of cooler yeah yeah like like yeah we'll get together we talk about this movie, and then that'll be it.

Like, nothing else, no worries. It's like no strings attached. It's like having friends with benefits. The benefit is they don't fucking bother you. Exactly. It's not sex. It's that you leave me alone. So we'll pick a movie.

Everybody, obviously, unfortunately, this is going to be a New York-focused thing. So everybody in the area, everyone go see the movie on their own time. We'll come together. We'll have some drinks. We'll talk about the movie. We'll do some podcasts.

And it'll be the most alone-together experience you've ever had. Now let's talk about putting fruit in your pussy. It's brought to you by Omaha Steaks. The only thing tastier than that is a fresh delivery of Omaha Steaks. I opened up my box the other day. I opened up my box. Get it? And honestly, it's just meat after meat after meat, meal after meal after meal keeps coming out.

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This is what your father wants for Father's Day. He doesn't want some shitty gifts. He just wants some good meat that he can go be like, hey, I gotta go grill this. Leave me alone. I wanna do this by myself. Hey, Dad, you want me to take you out for Father's Day? No. Hey, I'll cook your favorite meal.

No, you won't. I will go on the grill. I cook my favorite meal. Yeah, I will go. You know who will join me while I cook this meal? My six-pack. And that's it. Now, listen. I got some hard-os in my mentions. This is like a very enjoyable pack of meat. The fillets are five-ounce fillets.

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The latest trend, according to Cosmo, which, you know, maybe you take with a grain of salt. I've always said Cosmo, you got to take it with a huge grain of salt. Because one time I read in Cosmo that when you're sucking your boyfriend's dick, you should put your pinky in his b-hole. And from then on, I was like a kid. I was young enough to think like maybe that's what they do. I never had a blowjob before. It was one of those things where you grab your sister's or your mom's Cosmo

and flip it through. Maybe it was a doctor's office. I forget where I was. I read that and was like, holy shit, is that what sex is? They fuck us? That's crazy. I'll tell you as much. I'm down for just about anything. You try to finger my dick I'm out

I'm out And I'm not I'm not gonna be held responsible For what I do You try to finger my dick You might catch a punt Like I might rabbit punch you I might be like

Pow get off of me That is the most dangerous thing I've ever heard But this actually Cosmo wrote about it It came from A Reddit post So this is like

A A Testimonial Or whatever She says the new sex fetish that she and her husband have been trying out. Everyone does yawn, by the way. Fuck you. He places

some food in her vagina all day long and then eats it later that evening. Apples, pears, carrots, etc. A carrot and a vagina don't even pair well. I don't think so at all.

A pear or an apple I can see, but a carrot doesn't need that taste. They've been doing this for two months. She actually posted it saying, can this make me or him sick? She clarifies that it's all organic. She cleans thoroughly before popping them in. But she wants to know, is this bad? Aren't apples acidic? Like, is that probably burning up your hooch? Probably can't feel good.

One person said, vegetables aren't meant to go inside of vaginas. Okay. Okay, prude. Okay, are you in on this? Someone doesn't have an imagination. Are you? No. Here's my problem with it. It's the

all-day problem. Yes. Like, you wake up in the morning, I pop a plum in there, and I'm supposed to eat it like 12 hours later? No. No. I won't eat a plum that's been sitting on the fucking counter for 12 hours. No.

It's gone bad. Yeah. I don't need that to be in your sweaty fucking hooch. I mean, look, it's got nothing to do with, like, the taste of vagina. Oh, it's got a little bit. Look, I'm a sommelier of vagina, and I know what taste pairs with it. Look, I've rubbed a fucking lollipop up there before, sure.

That's the thing. It's got to just be a quick in and out. I actually don't like food and sex in general. The whipped cream or the sauces, honey, too sticky and messy. I've fucked around with whipped cream a little bit. Even that. I did it when I was

16. I was like, alright,, did the Varsity Blues thing. I'm done now. It's almost like shower sex and these things. You see them in movies. You got to check it off your list, but it doesn't really enhance anything. But if you wanted to pop a lollipop in there, if you wanted to grab a, I don't know, what's another like sensual fruit, or if you were fucking around like a cucumber or something, I get it. There's reasons why. But to be like, I need this to marinate in your pussy for the work day while you walk

around and you sit on it and you go to the bathroom and this, that, and the other thing. Yeah, will you take it out when you get a piss? I don't know. Take it out and pop it back in? The piss comes out of a different hole, I imagine. If you just try to continue to pee while you've got like a pear up in your pussy, that is... I don't know how that works. The whole thing is just way too much for me and then it's just like that it's just

got to be like the soggiest weirdest piece of fruit you'll ever eat and then your pussy's got to be weird after that you know i call me a prude if you will i draw the line somewhere that's where i'm drawing it it's a fair place to draw it and it's i don't i'm not like well i'm not like not eating but i'll fucking muck your barn all night. But the fact that it's fucking like just sitting in there, that's too much. I'm getting a vibe of like pruney fingers. Oh, Kevin. Like that's what the clementine is going to be like all pruney like that.

And, you know. I think you can only do it with a hard fruit, no? Like a pear or an apple. I don't know. A clementine up there. That's got to squish. I feel like it'll just, like, disappear. Just like.

Yeah. Like, this just happens. Like, I feel like the clementine just, like, becomes part of, like, your pussy. Because, like, you just have another wall, another layer of walls in there, and it's clementine. She's, like, she's lost, like, a fruit or two up there. Oh, absolutely. She's like, wait a minute. It must have fallen out.

It's like, nah. She's going to get pregnant. Your body just assimilated that. She's going to get pregnant or two. Oh, absolutely. She's like, wait a minute. It must have fallen out. It's like, nah. She's going to get pregnant. Your body just assimilated that. She's going to get pregnant one day and have a baby. She's going to be like a fucking cornucopia. Doctor's going to be like, what the fuck is this? Well, it has two legs, one arm, and a cornucop on the other. Something's gone terribly wrong.

Here's the thing, too, is that, you know, people do these things. They add the food and the fruit as if you need to, like, change the tastes and whatnot of sex. Nah. Nah. Now, there's something just natural about the body that knows that sex is going on and the flavoring, we'll call it, is good to go. And I never heard it as succinctly and correctly stated than I did by our guy Josh Wolf. He put out a tweet on Sunday night that was one of the funniest tweets I've ever read and one of the most accurate observations

I've ever seen in my entire life. He just did his podcast recently. It's called The Prince and the Wolf. It's him and Freddie Prinze Jr. And they were discussing how the asshole tastes better than it smells. Because it does. Yeah, it's like a funny fucking tweet. And he said, and so someone tweeted him like, wow, the podcast went off the rails with that quote.

And he said, well, it does. The asshole is the body's version of vanilla extract. It tastes way different than it smells. That is pure genius. It's so good. It is so fucking good because the butthole is the grossest, smelliest thing in the world. And then you get within the lines. It's game time in the bedroom and you're in between the sheets. And that thing tastes delicious. It's like they talk about how scent and taste are so interconnected, not during sex and not with the asshole.

Fish too. Yes. Fish is the same way. Yes. Fish and butts are just like they smell one way and they taste a totally different way. Totally different. The flip side, the reverse is like vanilla extract and roasted nuts like from the corner in Manhattan. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those smell that aroma will get you a couple blocks away. And then you eat them, and I'm like, these are dirty, burnt nuts. It's gross. But the butt is the opposite. It's like, you know, that person, we all know what goes on with that part of your anatomy. And 99.9% of the time, it's gross. And you could smell it from a distance. And then in the heat of the moment,

it's like dinner time, baby dessert time. Josh, nobody has ever hit something more on the, on the head. It was perfection. It was fucking poetry. I said it's like a bunch of people last night when I saw it,

when you sent it to me and like, everyone was like, yeah, it's so weird how the whole world just eats ass now. Let's get my man large in here. He's up next. This, uh, I don't want to call it an interview, but it's the little co-host appearance is brought to you by Lisa mattresses.

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If you listen to Barstool Radio, you heard him a couple, I guess it was a couple months ago, where he just popped by for a guest spot. But things kind of materialized from there. Next thing you know, he meets with Dave and Erica. Bingo, bango, bongo. Finds himself working at Barstool Sports and returns to a life of blogging. So, Large is in the building and here to stay. What's up, big man?

Hey, how are you? It's my first podcast. That's right. First ever, right? Yeah, first. Oh, boy. So, for those who don't's my first podcast. That's right. First ever, right? Yeah, first. Oh, boy. So for those who don't know, we'll give a quick little background. Large was working for, can we say where?

Or is that like against the rules now? No, I was checking some of my non-disclosures. I think I'm good. All right. So you work at a city. Yeah, yeah. And at the same time, you started a blog called Take a Report. Similar to what I was doing with For Sure Not.

Dan was doing with for sure not dan was doing with the hot glove uh you know dave had barstool sports as his main job but the rest of us were all working other jobs or hopefully what we're going to be careers and blogging on the side um now you large you were your your career was much more established than we were we were young kids out of college who were just fucking around. You were making a living. You really did have a career. Yeah, I mean, I was managing director at my last few shops. That's fucking unbelievable. But in bullshit shops, it's sort of like not managing director at Goldman. No, but still, when you got that MD tag and you're on the side on like WordPress,

just like fucking making dick jokes and cracking like, you know, racist comments. It's just... comments. Right. Yeah. Guilty. And Take a Report was the site. Was that ever supposed to be a moneymaker, or were you just doing that for fun? I did it as a hobby for a guy who was building websites at the time.

Oh, so you were just his guinea pig, like I need something to put out there. Yeah, a friend of a friend, and he had like five guys doing it, and then the other four guys just never caught on. So he dropped them and concentrated on taking a report. And then it just got huge. Was it like, you know... It was big. I mean, it was bigger than most of the... It had no financial...

Excuse me. It had no financial, like, bend to it. Like, there was never any kind of me saying, buy this stock sell this stock but it took off in that community so quickly and it's tight-knit community that uh you know just grew and grew and grew every month and then that's what got me in trouble you couldn't get your arms around it so everyone kind of knew about it and it was a little bit inappropriate and so it tied me to city group you know and they said you know and so the last time they were like don't come

back and we're gonna have a team of attorneys go through your hard drive. So I said, okay, well, that's never a good sign. Like no one ever finds a reason to give you a bonus. Yeah. You know what I mean? And it's not all get a dozen eggs and a half gallon of milk in there. So the writing was on the wall. And then I had gone from a couple of different shops.

Everyone wanted to hire me when I first got out. It worked out real well. It was good. But at that point you were kind of told You can't blog anymore right? Yeah the place that hired me right afterwards Hired me with the intent of having me blog And then put a number in front of me

Which I jumped on And then when they wrote out my contract They put it to the attorneys Listen you need to put something in there Because he blogs and then they google search me The attorneys are like no Which is understandable But it went from me going and you need to put something in there because he blogs. And then they Google search me. The attorneys are like, no. No fucking chance. Which is understandable for the name of some of these places.

But it went from me going and having a separate room to type in after the trading day to me going and no blogging. And if you walk down the hallway and someone says, hey, large, you're not even allowed to turn around. Like, they want to meet us. So I stepped away from it, which was fine. Was it? Were you okay with that?

That would have drove me crazy. Because it was such a buzz about it that for the first couple of years, it was like I was still doing it. People, I mean, you guys know more than I because this thing got so fucking big. But there's so much notoriety from it when you're in that little circle outside of it. Nobody gives a fuck about you because you're not doing anything important. But within a little circle, everyone was crazy. And then I did a trading convention when i was the keynote speaker down in dallas and you know it was the most people they had since 9-11 you know because they've had

diminishing returns or trading conventions and uh so you get like this little bit of a celebrity and that's why you know as my business was starting to go south and i got the opportunity to do this i jumped on it yeah so so you were uh when we were speaking about this you were basically faced with the pretty big decision of go back to the world of finance right another shop probably never blog like it probably would have been with another caveat like you're not allowed to blog so so more or less continue the finance route and never blog again or at the age of what you like 75 now yes uh you know completely switch, go back to what, you know, your passion was and go that route. That is that's no joke of a decision to be making.

You got a wife, got kids, you got you know, it's not like you're just a solo guy who can just do anything on a whim. Right. That's a big decision. Yeah, it was it was it was a rash decision. It might be an absolute mistake. Right. But I mean, it works out. Probably. Yeah. decision it might be an absolute mistake right but i mean hopefully it works out probably yeah we got pat mcafee retired from the nfl where he was slated to make probably like i think nine to 12 billion more dollars over the next couple years right uh i i tell him it was the dumbest mistake that anyone has ever made i think you're probably not far behind right well i i'm gonna write about

this this will air tomorrow i saw a story today about a guy that I used to work with, and he just left the industry to go to Indonesia to save turtles. And then he plans to do that and then go to Africa and help combat poachers. You know, and he's, you know, he's five foot seven. Like a poacher doesn't, I wouldn't fear him either. You know what I mean? Like, no, those people kill elephants. Right. You're going to stop them?

Right. So he made a lot more money than me, and I don't think has you know as many kids or any kids at all but if i made a ton of money or you know if i didn't have any kids and i'd probably be right next to him in indonesia saving fucking turtles or you know crazy yeah yeah because i had a big spot uh you're back and it's almost like i feel like um it's fucking terrifying is what it is yeah i can't i mean you've been pretty openly like a little bit on, a little nervous, which is very funny to me. Yeah, I've been on big trading desks, little trading desks. I've always been relatively outspoken and confident.

But I come in here, I'm by far the oldest person in this fucking office. I still haven't used the men's room. I've been here, this is my second day. It's an old guy like me, that's almost impossible. I was just telling fights. I went down to a coffee shop to take like me. That's almost impossible. I was just telling fights. I went down to a coffee shop to take a leak. That was like Hank.

Hank didn't eat for his first three days. Oh, really? This is back in Milton. This is back before we were here. This is when we had a run-down repurposed dentist office is what we were working out of. The offices had sinks in them because they used to be dental chairs, not desks

in it. We wouldn't turn the lights on. If you think it's intimidating here, walking in there was like walking through. We should have had that shit from Boondock Saints where Bane and I'll hope Yee-Hoo enter here before a stripper goes on stage. That should have been on our door because it was a pressably depressing

place. Hank, his first three days, he never ate because he was scared to eat. He didn't know. So eventually he asked Dave, he said, where do you guys eat? What time do you guys eat? And Dave was like, you haven't ate yet? He's like, no, it's Thursday, Hank. What are you talking about?

You haven't ate yet. So we had to order Hank pizza that day or something like that. Hank's carved out a nice little niche for himself. Yeah, he's figured it out. It took a little while. It's intimidating no matter who you are. I guess. Yeah, it's funny.

I mean, I just think, you know, I have been waxing poetic about Large because he was – him and Dave were like the first two people I ever read on the internet. So to me, it's like you are an internet OG to the point that you should be walking around here. Like part of the reason this whole, this whole thing exists is because of like guys like me who were like creating the landscape of blogging. Cause you, it wasn't barstool, but it was like,

if you were in that early community of blogs, you were kind of creating an industry in a way you were creating a market where it was like the, their people are trying to kill time at work. And I'm one of the only guys who's, who's given them something worthwhile. And I think I was the first guy to not do as much cutting and pasting. Like, it was the original content stuff that people flocked to.

Because anyone could, like, you know, cut and paste the cheesecake photos and stuff like that. And there was always stuff to do. Yeah, paragraph of the news excerpt, your commentary, wash and repeat. Yeah, and so that original content really drove people in. And then it was long enough, and we mentioned this before, to print out and take into the men's room because there was no mobile platform at the time. So I was huge in men's rooms. Literally reading packets of papers in the bathroom.

Which is a gay thing to say. I was huge in men's rooms. Because I had the headphones on, so I heard it directly. It's cool. I'm fine with it. Yeah, but you're a storyteller, man. And that's what's going to play here because we have plenty of storytellers here. Fyche is rolling this weekend about sneaking out of the movies

that we just talked about. He's an idiot. But the fact that you're on edge about it is wild. Yeah, but it's two days in, and you brought in, on top of the average age being in the 20s, they just brought in 10 interns, And the interns are a lot younger. But I get what you're saying, though, because I get nervous when I go over by the intern table. Right.

I don't walk over there being like, look, I'm one of the old guys here. I shut the fuck up and do what I want. I don't want to ask an intern to do anything or anything like that. And one of them is gorgeous. Yeah, that guy. He's a smoke. He's big in men's rooms. I've always said, like, you walk the streets of Manhattan around, like, 2.45, 3 o'clock when school gets out.

It's the most intimidating thing in the world. Oh, yeah. Like, you know, I want no part of those kids when they're out on the street. That's the intern table over there. These fucking assholes. My first day on the floor, I walked in and somebody said, who brought the cop? I think one guy dropped a vape pen. You know what I mean? floor, I walked in and somebody said, who brought the cop? I think one guy dropped a vape pen. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm undercover. And the guy who signed me in to do my financial stuff when I got in to sign in, I'm friends with his uncle. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not in a situation where I could ever be like, oh, I dated your sister. I was friends with the fucking guy's uncle. Not yet. We'll see. You never know where this ends up going.

Right. I snuck my 12-year-old up here yesterday. We were having brunch at the Smith with family, and then we snuck over. Oh, yeah? And, like, for that fucking crowd, it's huge. Like, I took him to two. I had him take a picture in the, whatever, the podcast room, and then I had him do this with the cans on and shit like that.

Really? Yeah, so it's playing very well for him. I was going to say, like, yeah, for them to just be like, yeah, my dad's at Barstool now. It's going to be a trip. I didn't think it was such a draw for kids that young. Yeah, we go, we skew young and old now. Right, right. Apparently.

So you, it was Sunday night. I checked the blog dashboard. Large had 10 blogs ready to rip. No way. And I was like, you know what? Fuck yeah. Because like we, I don't know how much you used to post on Take a Report, but when we were all full time and it was only like New York and Boston. I mean, we were putting up something every half hour.

Right. Like you were putting up like 15 blogs in a day. Right. And now it's not as necessary, so it's not that big of a deal. But people here will put up, you know, one, a couple a week. Right. And I like to see some, we're getting back to it where it's just like fire, boom, boom, boom, boom, publish, publish, publish, publish. I mean I think it's service.

They like to fire under their asses too. Yeah. It's playing a fire under my ass. I was like I got to start blogging again. I blogged Friday. I blogged today. That's two blogs in two days. I've fucking done that forever.

I put out three today, which isn't a huge deal. And I did a podcast. But I think with the – like all my stuff is going to get red-penned by the editor beforehand, which I think is the safest thing to do. Definitely the safest thing to do. I think we almost need to create a new running piece of content called, like, Large and Keith. Because, you know, Keith is the editor-in-chief, and his role as editor is not grammar, and it's not to, like, shape your humor.

It's like, don't get us sued, and don't get us any hit pieces. Largest content is designed to get us sued and get us hit pieces. Yeah, yeah. And so that's going to be a funny, like, of mice and men, Lenny and Harry, whatever their fucking names were, type of dynamic where those two are going to be a trip together. Lenny and Squiggy. So, yeah, so I spoke to him, you know, even today, and I had to blog out yesterday about the N-word and the title, but, you know, literally N-word. And he got some blowback from it until the guy read through it

and saw that it was relatively benign. And I certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I'd like to dance at least a little bit of a line just to keep me relevant. You know what I mean? You don't want to completely change your style and your sense of humor. I mean, so the blog was teach your kids how to say the N-word. And then when you read it, he's saying no. And it was talking all about how kids

need to be told no sometimes. The blog's fine. There's also this bit about bleaching assholes. It was a whole story. And the original thing that Keith signed off on was all well and good. At the very end, it said, like, if your daughter is bleaching her asshole, she's not just doing it for herself. Keith says, yes.

I get a text late at night from Large. Hey, I added one more thing. How about you look over it? Large, I'm not the guy who looks over things. Because I will okay pretty much anything you put out there. I remember Gaz. Gaz will sometimes come up to us and be like, hey, what do you think about this tweet? Gaz, who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

I don't know. Don't show me it. It's fine. Just put it up. I don't care what the't don't show me it's fine yeah just put it up i don't care what a fuck it says send it but the the addition was after all the the word play with n-word was just if your daughter's bleaching her asshole she's not doing it for herself she might end up getting pounded out by a large n-word with a picture of ray j and kim kardashian which and and so this

is what i want to do so i wanted to have you on today not only to introduce you uh kfc radio is like the last stronghold the last bastion of like say whatever you want oh good for some reason we are in like we're like the island in lost we're like we like exists on some extra plane where we can kind of just say whatever we want i don't know why right our people our listeners have tight lips. They don't say anything. The uptight people on the internet probably don't listen, so we can say whatever we want. We've said so much fucked up stuff throughout the years.

I mean, don't go say the N-word right now. That's about what we – but even that, we kind of do that. You can say whatever you want here. So when you need a release and you want to go back to 09, when you want to go take a report on someone okay this is the place to do it keith keith's not going to say okay you don't want to put it in writing because that lasts forever you come on here and vent and the spoken word and then it kind of disappears it's like no one else is listening we're just here

just three guys misrepresent i mean i don't have rope in my trunk i don't have a lot of hatred in my heart but just sometimes it you know oh you, you know, the wow factor. But Dave came out of his office the first day. Dave's like, did you say fucking Jews? That's what he said to me. I hadn't spoke to Dave. He's sort of letting me run with it to find out what the thing should be. So much so that

I started on a Friday the first and then Thursday I kind of hit him and Erica. I said, 11 o'clock okay tomorrow? They're like, yeah, 11 o'clock whatever time you want to leave. So, you know, which is so fucking great for me. So it was 6.30 in the morning, guy, and I left around 4.30, but whatever. You don't even have to ask. You really don't.

You can do whatever you want. As long as you're putting up numbers, I don't care what you are. And then, like, he'd ask you, and you were like, yeah, I think we're going to promote him next week, and then we'll get a post. And he's like, no, get something up today. Yeah, just go. Like, 2 o'clock on Friday. So we're like, yeah, sure, banging out. And he came out later.

He's like, did you say fucking Jew? Like that. I was like, I think I did. He's like, I'm a Jew. I'm like, no, I don't hate Jews. That's what the blog said. It worked. It happened to work in there.

And then, you know, I've explained myself afterwards that I don't. I love them. I air quoted her. I love her. But yeah, so I think after, you know, the training wheels will come off there for a couple of weeks. And when I know, you know, I can after the training wheels will come off there for a couple of weeks and when I know I can feel the room a little bit better, and then I'll get more comfortable, I'll use the bathroom, I'll eat.

You know what I mean? I'll say kike. I mean, the line from Taker Report that got me, and I don't even remember the context or what the rest of the story was, but it was just, you know, I do what everyone else did on Christmas. I threw rocks at Chinese people. I was like, I'm in. I read literally every single post.

I read from front to start. I went all the way back until 2006. Right. Which I'm going to bring them back, I think, because I have them printed out. So I might as well at some point, and I don't know how you do it. I'll have to retype them, obviously. We'll have an intern do that. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, we'll with the hot cut. But yeah, so maybe do something like that if I can find some good ones. You know what we can do? We could set up, take a report. Maybe we can buy the domain from whoever has it right now. And you can almost have it redirect to Barstool. We'll republish the whole fucking legacy of it, man. Right.

Yeah, if I can find them. Although we'll probably end up getting sued. Yeah. We'll have to think about that one. Everything we do is like, every sentence ends up, we'll probably get sued. man? Right. Yeah, if I can find him. We'll probably end up getting sued. Yeah. We'll have to think about that one. Everything we do is like, oh, every sentence ends up, we'll probably get sued. Yeah. Right. Hey, if you're not getting sued, you're doing something wrong.

Right. Let's get into a couple of voicemails while we got Large here. Voicemails are brought to you by Felix Gray. Computer glasses, they are the stylish way to protect your eyes from blue light and screen glare. Large is almost bald. He's almost blind. He's definitely already bald. Totally bald, yeah, yeah.

Almost blind because, like I said, he's 100. Yes. He's been staring at the desk, staring at the screens forever. But now with Felix Grey glasses, you'll have no digital eye strain. You can protect your eyes, and you'll look cool, man. You'll be like all the interns. You'll have your Felix Grey glasses on, and everyone will think that you're young. It's exhausting when you're staring at your phone or your screen all day long. Those eyes

can start to burn. They can start to go. You've been watching Final Burn. You just stare at Netflix until 5 in the morning every day. We just need to wear these constantly, by the way. We're always looking at the screen. It's not like when you're sitting at your computer, leave me your desk. No, you wear glasses 24 hours a day. They're blue protecting glasses, but you wear glasses now.

But they are stylish. They look sharp, and anyone can benefit from rocking the Felix Grey. So go to FelixGreyGlasses.com slash KFC to try a pair today. Go to FelixGreyGlasses, that's F-E-L-I-X-G-R-A-Y, glasses.com slash KFC, and get a pair today. Hey, KFC. Hey, fights. Hey, everyone at kfc radio uh so my one buddy he's a big you know

cougar hunter big milf guy and uh so he is on one of these websites where he's you know looking for an older woman to please and he was on there one of the sites where you find cougars who are looking to cheat on their husbands. And it just so happened that he stumbled upon his own mother on that website. And so I wonder, what would you do if you were in that kid situation you stumble upon your own mom on a cougar website intentionally designed to be cheating on their husbands john your reaction was perfect uh you know what it's like uh in taken when when liam neeson like gets to the the whole operation where they're bidding and the guy's like oh i'm i'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a father myself, but this is a business, but you shouldn't have to see this. That is, that's some harrowing shit right there.

What do you do? I don't know. I think you just move and never talk to anyone ever again. You give your dad a call, right? I mean, as a married guy, I'd like to get a heads up. I don't know if I'd snitch on my parents. Right. Let me just say this.

I'd say there's a 50% likelihood your dad knows. I could see this being a thing. Like this kid's dad knows? Yeah, it's like swingers and a cuck situation. In the event that it's not, the other 50%, your dad probably doesn't care. They're like, good. You can have her. Take her. There's a slim

chance your dad's pretty upset, and I don't think that's worth having the awkward conversation. So I'd go tight lips on this one. I think I'd shut up. But I don't think I could look at her anymore. I think you just move out. You move out, you're done with it. You get a new family. Yeah, Christmas is out the window.

Or maybe you tell her that you'll tell dad. A little You get a new family. Christmas is out the window. I have to think. Or maybe you tell her that you'll tell Dad. A little blackmail. Right, for a bigger Christmas gift. Like, hey, Mom. So you're going to be like, hey, Mom, I found you on the Cougar site. I know you're fucking guys on the internet. Find Dad's back, and I'm going to tell him if you don't stop.

No, not to know. I'm not going to fucking stop. Give me good presents. Oh, okay. Yeah, buy me shit. Oh, okay. Extort her. Yeah, okay.

I've been looking for a new car, Mom. You always just kind of like, you ask for something at the dinner table, and your dad's like, of course I do. Mom, what do you say? Yeah, no, he could have a Mercedes. That's fine. That's what I thought, bitch. I think of the millions of dads out there who at some point,

just because how many porn actresses, they inadvertently click on a link and it winds up being their daughter. That's got to happen. You know what I mean? I would think that's even worse. Oh, seeing your daughter? And that has to happen a lot more than this poor bastard with the cougar thing. You know what I mean? I would imagine that's a pretty regular thing,

especially when you think about it where even if he knows his daughter's a porn actress, whatever. I think she does. I mean, if he doesn't, it's worse. If he doesn't, it's worse. But then when he does know, you can't go to Pornhub. If you know that you have a daughter in porn, that's it for you. Or you find the one porn you like and you just keep re-watching it that you know she's not in.

You can't be clicking around the homepage like we do. You go back to DVDs. I was going to say, you go to Erotica. You start reading porn. That's it. There's no way you can risk that at all. You'll get the Bell page like we do. You go back to DVDs. I was going to say, you go to Erotica. You start reading porn. That's it. There's no way you can risk that at all. You'll get the Belladonna DVDs. Oh, what a woman.

What a woman Belladonna was. I haven't seen someone. I pulled over on a highway in Florida once, driving home from Orlando to Tallahassee. There's a big sign of an adult superstore. I was hungover on a Sunday morning, like fucking, you know, hungover, you're horny as shit. Yeah, no, everyone who pulls over on the turnpike and grabs them.

Dick randomly went off as I saw a billboard for Belladonna at a mega store. I was like, hey, go buy some Belladonna DVDs. Not even Mike Trout wields a baseball bat like that. You bought a porn DVD? Yeah. 50 bucks. Because they know that they got you by the balls. Yeah.

They know that you're hungover and horny on the point. Yeah, Marla Hooch, Bella Donna, Babe Ruth, baseball bat, kings and queens. They can do things with a baseball bat you've never seen before in your whole life. I think that you have to, I mean, you can't, like, totally give up on your mom. But I think you need at least like Like you can't see her for a while Make up excuses Tell her

Yeah you need a hiatus from your mom Sabbatical What up fights KFC Super Producer BC So I've been single for a little while now And um I've been going around fucking girls, humble brag. But I feel like condoms are maybe a myth, probably something that's made up in middle school.

I'm going to try and scare you about STDs. I haven't worn a condom in probably fucking years. So anyways, I go and I hook up with this one chick one night, and she says, come in me, Daddy. So I do. Got a theme. And then even then, a few of the other chicks after her, I've come in them as well. They've all asked me to come in them. So I guess the question is, is it rude to not come in these girls if they're asking you to come in them?

Let me know, Viva. First of all, a condom being a myth, a condom is a very, very tangible piece of rubber. There's no myth about it. It's real, bro. They are a piece of rubber that catch your cum and protect your skin. Leprechauns are myth.

Yeah, yeah. Like that type of shit. I can tell you there's no unicorns. I can go to a bodega. There's no. The condoms are definitely, yeah. You can hold balloons in them if you're not going to use them

for whatever. Right? I mean, they're tangible. You can go buy one right... In 30 seconds, I can go have a good condom. That's a real thing. I have some on my desk

from when Durex used to always send us condoms. Durex used to send us boxes of condoms every single day. I don't know how much I thought Barstool Sports bloggers were fucking, but it was way more than we actually are. This notion, like the vagina or wherever you're putting it won't touch your skin,

and the cum won't get in the vagina. These are very tangible things that condoms do. Anyway, back to the real question. Is it impolite? You know, probably. I would say yes. Yeah, I'd say yes. I would say you are disobeying a woman's direct orders in the bedroom. Correct. It might be rape

to not come in them if they have to. It could be. I don't know the legal handlings here, but I would assume that, yeah, a woman gave you a direct request in the bed and you violated it. That sounds like rape. I mean, that's pretty hard logic

to argue with right there. You said that's pretty hard logic, but I'm not. You said that's pretty hard logic. And I'm not at all. Not yet. Not yet. We've got a few more minutes here. I just like that this guy is more concerned over being rude than having a kid. You know what?

Because that's the whole thing. It's a valid point. I don't know. We're going to learn a lot from each other. I'm probably going to learn a lot more from you these being the elder statesman here but we we did a podcast actually i did with josh wolf not too long ago where i said there's i think a crisis so like an epidemic going on and i know you feel this we're like guys our age will just like rather than upset you come in you and potentially have a kid where it's like i just want to go with the flow so bad and not make things awkward i'll never speak up i'll never say what's wrong i'll never go against

i'll just i just go with the flow to the point that it is wildly detrimental to my life i've been raped a bunch of times like a guy can't count i came in i came in a couple weeks ago i told kevin i said look i had a ton of sex on Sunday. And it was like my dick would go off and she'd be playing with it. And she'd jump on. I'm like, I don't want to have sex. And she'd just jump on and I'd have sex again. Okay. I guess what?

I got raped. That's a rape. That's what a rape thing is. There's like levels of rape. That's not like the Jodie Foster on the pool table. No. Especially if you went out for sandwiches afterwards. You're still calling. It's not. Look, it. I mean, yeah, especially if you went out for sandwiches afterwards. He's still calling.

It's not – look, it wasn't a violent one, but it was one. It was a mental one. It's an emotional one. It happens. I mean, don't get me wrong. I got into it and all that stuff, but I – at first I was like, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like it. Okay.

Yeah, let's do it. It's – you know, you wrote your blog about sometimes you got to say the word no, and I don't think we ever do that. I'm not a no guy. It's like, do this, do that, go here, go there do that go here go there we're gonna you know okay okay okay until come in me until you got a kid i wouldn't have me too by any stretch for you by the way i'm not judging you all right well there's gonna be plenty more of large to come. He is full-time now at Barstool. You can follow him on Twitter, at Large Barstool.

You can read all of his blogs. He'll be banging away on the website. He's going to be, right? Yeah. Apparently. And on a weekend. He'll catch him on KFC Radio and whatnot. We explained to him how here at Barstool it's like prison,

where you fall in line with one faction. So he's with the Aryan Brotherhood of KFC Radio now. So give him a follow. Give him a read. And we'll catch you next time, Large. Thanks very much. This is exciting, my first blog. All right.

Big thanks to Large for coming through. Let's keep the voicemail train rolling. What do we got? Hey, KFC. Fight. Super producer. What's up, girl? I just have a little story for you guys.

So the other night, my boyfriend and I were watching the Celtics against Six. And obviously, it did not turn out the way the Celtics would have hoped. So during the game, my boyfriend and I, we got junk food. We were eating wings and pizza. Just trying to have an all-around good time. So then when the Celtics lost, you know, what other way to crush that feeling of defeat than, you know, just fool around. So they started fingering me, and like pretty much instantly I was like,

oh, that doesn't feel right. And then a couple seconds go by. Turn it off. And all of a sudden, my entire vagina is literally, feels like it's engulfed in flames. No. And I look at my boyfriend, and he looks at me, and at the same exact moment, we had this moment of clarity that, oh, my God, we had eaten chicken wings, buffalo chicken wings with our hands. So I was just wondering, like, is this a common occurrence?

Or, like, should I definitely get them to scrabble and dance a little harder? Or just wanted to get your guys' opinions. All right, Viva. I thought this was going to be so much worse. What did you think was going to happen when you were like, oh, my God, stop it? I thought, like, didn't you just say something about farting? Oh, yeah, but that's when she was getting fingered. I didn't think she was going to fart or poop when she was getting fingered. Well, I just thought it was going to, yeah, I thought something was going to go wrong in that department sexually,

and it was going to be a whole bad memory that I would never be able to unsee. I've heard of this. I've heard of this from, like, people, something as harmless as, like, you rub your eye to Clem took a piss the other day and his dick started hurting. Because of wings? I think it was a pepper. I think he had like – Yeah, well, that's what I was going to say actually is if you think sex is going to happen later in the night, you should wear gloves. Basically, if you're eating food and you think you might fuck later, treat every piece of food like it of food like you're making jalapeno poppers.

I'm sure you've done this. Naturally. You have to get surgical gloves to make jalapeno poppers. Right, because you're handling them so much. And you're cutting them, and you're getting into them. Yeah, yeah. And if you touch their eyes, you're fucked. I mean.

I want a jalapeno now. Here's the thing. You have a choice. It's game six. You're watching the game. You're going to stuff your face with food. You're not going to fool around. Yeah, I would.

Or if you want to fool around, you don't eat those things. You just drink. Right. Or you just eat pizza or something. No, I think the glove thing is the way to go. Oh, do you? Okay. So just make sure you have latex surgical gloves on hand at all times.

Yes. Yeah. I mean, you should. Everyone should, no doubt. I don't know what's going on right now. I have a first aid kit. all times. Yes. Yeah. I mean, you should. Everyone should, no doubt. I don't know what's going on right now. I have a first aid kit. He's taking this very seriously. I don't like it.

I have a first aid kit in my house for this exact reason. Patrick Bateman over here just strapping in. I don't have it. Not for this reason. I do have a first aid kit in my house, but not for this reason. Does your mom make you do that? My dad does. Yeah.

Somebody. It's like his insurance company branded. Got it. Got it. He's like, I'll give them a client if you want one. Yeah, sure. Whatever. But the – yeah, I think that's the movie.

You wear finger condoms. Or maybe you stop being such a prude and just have a spicy pussy for the whole session. Now, you know what you have to do? You have to be like, all right, you got to put your dick in because we're both going down this train together. If I got to suffer, you got to suffer. Let's go. I've heard of people doing this kind of thing too. They put the fucking minty condom or whatever the fuck is on backwards.

They make lube that gives you a tingle sort of thing. Pussies are a fucking disaster, man. Man, imagine putting a clementine inside them. Jesus Christ. Just put a fucking habanero up there and let's get really nuts. What's up, KFC Fights Super Producer BC? So I got a question for you guys. I just started doing physical therapy, and my PT girl is an absolute smoke show.

And the other day I was just lying back on the table, and she had to climb up on me and check something out on my shoulder or something. And she's like pretty much literally on top of me. And I was just praying that my dick didn't get hard because it would have been so obvious and crossing my legs, doing whatever tricks I could to stop it. So I was thinking, what are the worst times that you could just have your dick betraying you? And do you guys have any stories of something

embarrassing happening? Alright, Steve-O. Well, usually when I think of the term, my dick betraying me, it's the opposite. It's my dick not being hard. Right, right. That's betrayal. What he's talking about is eagerness, over-eagerness, you know, over

zealousness from your dick, which is much more understandable. I mean, there's several classics, church and funerals. Church is just, like, the most erotic place in the world. Oh, church is so sexy. Church is so fucking hot, man. That's fucking favorite porn. One of my favorite porns ever, that Jenna Hayes, the schoolgirl one.

Yeah. She, like, starts in a confessional. Yeah, buddy. Yeah, buddy. I mean, it's just, like, you know, I don't want to be here. You don't want to be here. We know it. It's hot.

It's boring. We're not supposed to fool around. People are watching. Let's fuck. Church is the most, like, fuckable place in the world. It's like the one place in the world where you're told, like, don't even don't fuck in here. Don't ever fuck. Right. And you're like

yo, I need to fuck right now. Yes. Yeah, man. And there's just something about those outfits and shit. I totally get Adam and the whole forbidden fruit. It's very understandable. Well, Eve and the forbidden fruit. Eve and the forbidden fruit, yes.

That bitch. She ruined it all for us. She betrayed Adam. She gave him a fucking rib for it And that's what he gets These hoes man These hoes ain't real You ever hear that classic joke What So Adam's alone

In the garden of Eden Okay Bored out of his god damn mind He's like God I need I need someone down here I'm I'm going crazy

I need someone to just Interact with Talk to And spend my time with and God is like I am going to create you a woman she's going to be the best friend you'll ever have she's going to love you

she's going to be hilarious she's going to be a great cook she's going to be able to drive you everywhere she's going to be the best the best drive you out with the park play a ball, skip you up to the bar. She's literally going to fulfill every single wish you've ever had. And Adam's like, that's great.

That's fucking awesome. That's perfect. How do I get her? He goes, all you got to do is give me a leg. And Adam goes, well, what can I get for a rib? Oh, that's good. The negotiation would be great. Like, well, she's going to be over jealous all the time.

She'll probably talk too much and complain about work incessantly. You'll hear about her girlfriends all the time. You'll wonder, do you even have any friends? Why do you always complain about them? For about a rib, I can give you that. How does that sound? That's a good one, John. I like it.

Yeah, I thought that was like seven. It's like the only joke I remember. People will say that nowadays. Like, hey, tell me a joke. Like, I don't fucking know jokes. Nate asked me that once. How often do you spend writing jokes? Writing jokes?

Zero hours of my entire life. No, don't do that. How much for a blowjob it costs Marilyn Manson? A couple. Break those ribs down. Did you know that Instagram models get their ribs removed? I did not know that.

I was told that Alexis Ren and Emrata and them will get their last ribs removed. That sounds made up. I think we take, due to the urban legend, the true urban legend of Marilyn Manson, I think we take rib removal a little too lightly. A little too, yeah, a little too lightly. Imagine just, like, breaking it off. Like, literal ribs, like.

Cut you all the way open around your entire body. Like, you've got to sever it from the spinal cord, I imagine. That's not an easy thing to do. Sounds super dangerous. Yeah. Crazy. What was this question? Oh, this doesn't happen to me.

You don't get random boners? No, I get random boners, but I don't. People worry about that. I've had friends who are nurses, and they say, yeah, guys' dicks will go off all the time. I don't think it would happen to me. I don't know. Like, I'm – as I said at the start of the show, I'm pretty emotionless. It's like – it doesn't just go off easy.

I'm trying to think. I mean, if I am in a hookup situation, it will go off easy. Yeah. But I – Even then, it's not like – I'm not like, bam,. It will go off easy. Yeah. But I can – Even then, it's not like – I'm not like, bam, right away. I'm not. Unfortunately, I am.

I can like – if I'm getting like a regular ass massage, not from an Asian person, I can like control my dick. And that's like so much fucking like rubbing your body. Like I got pretty good control of my dick. I think I got pretty good control of my dick. I think I have pretty good control, too. And, again, it's due to mental issues. But it's due to crippling depression and severe anxiety. I don't go off when someone's touching me. We've talked about that before.

I remember years ago, Dave came on the podcast Was talking about Shicks grinding on you And he's like I was like He said if you don't get a boner When a girl like grinds on you You're gay

No he was like Very aggressive He was like You're just fucking gay Then Feidelberg Yeah Like Dave Dave was like

We'll have a full blown Fucking boner On like the dance floor Of a bar Cause a girl's dancing on him That's ridiculous That's ridiculous If That's ridiculous. If you're over the age of, like, 13, and even then it's like,

clean it up, pal. You've got a lifetime of this shit. Like, to be like, like, imagine you're wearing some, like, denim jeans and your dick's just, like, trying to rip through because you're at the bar and some girl grinded up on you. He was so mad when I was like, no, that doesn't happen. He's like, all right, all right, all right. This is really defensive.

Whatever, you're gay. Okay, you really are in middle school then. You got hard dicks on the dance floor and you get mad at people when they call you out because you call them gay. Yeah, I'm with you on that. But, you know, if it happens to you, if it happens, I think you got to just roll with it. Be like, yeah. What do you think? I think you have to be apologetic because I think you've got to just roll with it. Be like, yeah. What do you think? I think you have to be apologetic because I think it's offensive.

Yeah. Well, nowadays it's like now you get hit with some Me Too shit. I'm just going to come out and say it. My day's card. I don't want it to be. It's like sneezing. It's like, all right, it's involuntary. I can't control it.

You think I can tell the blood where to go? Sorry. It doesn't work like that. Last Ways of the Day is brought to you by Quip. When it comes to your health, brushing your teeth is one of the most important parts of your day. My mom always told me that. My mom always told me that 96% of all infection comes through your mouthpiece. Because think about it.

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Old school. Do you remember, John? I never know where our age gap is, but do you remember original old school electric toothbrushes? They were the size of a fucking chainsaw. They were so big and so loud. I've never had one. And so heavy.

My grandma was, I think, maybe the first person in the world with an electric toothbrush. And it was enormous. She also had a cell phone, too. She was cutting edge. She had, like, a Zack Morris cell phone and a fucking – Car phones. Yeah.

Car phones were the shit. My dad had a car phone. It was the coolest fucking thing in the world. Oh, yeah. Big time. The first toothbrush, though, was like a jackhammer. I think it was crazy. Now Quip, you know, a billion years later, is slimmer, quieter. It's not as bulky and it's cheaper.

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Buddy, it's the most important thing in the whole world. It really is. Good head of hair, white teeth, the rest will fall into place. And you wonder why girls like me. Cocky! Go to getquip.com slash KFC now. You'll get

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If you had the ability to take control of all the ants in the world, what would you do? Say it one more time. Thank you. If you had the ability to take control of all the ants in the world, what would you do? This is a good question. If you had the ability to take control. I don't know what.

If you could rally ants all in, like, if you get all the ants in the world rowing in the same direction, you could do some damage. Like what? Like you could, like, take over the, you could, like, literally overrun. Like I could like take over the, you could like literally overrun. Like I could overrun DC right now and run the world. That wouldn't make you run the world. Maybe run the country.

You use the ants to kill Donald Trump and you're the president now? How's that? I would run all, I would overtake all of DC. The ant leaders? Number of ants in the world. Let's play a game. This is a Simpsons episode. I haven't seen it, but I've seen that gif, the hail ants. Bro's play a game. This is a Simpsons episode. I haven't seen it,

but I've seen that gif, the Hail Ants. Bro, wait a minute. You counting zeros right now? No, this is a number that's not even real. Hang on. Let me do a little research

just because the first thing that pops up... First thing that pops up is real. First thing that pops up is... Okay, you want to do that? Okay. Because if you Google. If you like scroll down on Google, you're a fucking loser.

The first thing is the thing that's real. Okay. So number of ants in the world. Whether or not it's real. That's the one. Very first thing that pops up. Logan, you give your guess first. I just looked it up.

Okay. John, give your guess. How many ants? 34 zillion. Is zillion a real number? I don't know. This says 10,000 trillion. 10,000 number? I don't know. This says 10,000 trillion. 10,000 trillion?

I don't know what that means. I don't know either. That's such a big number that it doesn't even make any goddamn sense. 10,000 trillion? You can do anything with 10,000 trillion of anything at your command. I wouldn't like this. It's like having – I mean you basically all of a sudden have the most powerful army in the world. I don't care about nuclear weapons.

10,000 trillion ants will take over the world. But that's what I would do. I would, like, do whatever I need to do to take over all the nukes. And now I have 10 trillion thousand ants and all the nukes. I don't think I'd want that power. No, I'm too lazy for that. I don't know what I would do. I don't think power over the ants is something I, if I was offered that right now, if the genie walks in the door and says, you want all the ants in the world?

I'm all set. I don't really fucking care. I'm all good. I was like, I'll take them so no one else has them. But I'm not going to do anything with it. You almost need to be like – What am I going to do with a bunch of ants? You know what I would do is like I would –

The world is my ant farm now? This is also one of those things where they tell you like if there are no ants no ants, then, like, food ceases to exist or something like that. But the ecosystem is so, you know. When people tell you that if bees die that, like, human life will end, shut the fuck up. Yeah, you don't think we're going to fucking invent robot bees that go around and pollinate flowers and shit? You don't think we'll figure out how to fucking make honey and pollen without bees? We'll be all right. Fuck out of here.

We got robot dogs that can fight and shit now. I'll figure out the pollen later, okay, dude? The ants, if someone gave me control of the ants. Robot bees might not be a great idea, but we won't give them stingers. Yeah, right. Done. That's the thing. They'll just be like, buckle bees.

I think we just put a bunch of robot bees on Mars, didn't we? Sure. Sounds like it. I think we're trying to colonize Mars. We put a bunch of robot bees up there, didn't we? Sure. Sounds like it. I think we're trying to colonize Mars. We put a bunch of robot bees up there. Yeah, that won't backfire. No. There's not a bunch of aliens who are grounding up our robot bees and sending them back to Earth.

Full of poisons. Yeah, no, that's not a fun one. God damn it. I thought we didn't put stinger signs. All of this is allegedly, by the way. Of course. I'm pretty sure I saw it on Twitter. Actually.

I just mentioned that there's $10,000 trillion. That's not even a real number. But yeah, really, I wouldn't want to be the president. I wouldn't want the power of the world. I would take that army. What would you do if you could just do it? I'm doing it right now, baby. What would you do if a genie walked through the door?

What would you wish for? Just more money? Yeah, money, I guess. We are so unbelievably not ambitious that we can't even answer the question of what do you just want to have? Snap your fingers and you can have all your dreams.

I don't know. I have nothing. Honestly, I don't know. I, uh... I have nothing. Uh... Uh... Honestly, I don't know, because the thing, the most, like, motivated I am in my life is, like, this podcast. And I genuinely, I know people, like, will not believe this, but, like, I don't want it to be that successful, because then you have to, like, worry about shit. Like, I like being able to just, like, fucking throw out Jewish slurs on here. Nobody cares. Like, if it becomes that successful, like, fucking throw out Jewish slurs on here. Nobody cares. if it becomes that successful, I'm like,

oh, this is no fun anymore. It's, it's a top ten podcast on iTunes. It's pretty fucking successful. I think we're still allowed to say what we want.

I guess so. I still can't figure out that phenomenon. It's pretty regularly, like, the only person who's got a better podcast than us in comedy is

Joe Rogan and Bill Burr. It's a pretty... I don't want to be that stupid. I don't want to be number one. I'm going to be number four. Of the hundreds of thousands of podcasts. I'm comfortable with four. True, true, true.

If I get to one, oh no, I don't know. Then people will start listening, I think. I guess I would just wish for some cool material things. I don't know. Just give me the fucking nice house. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, just think of... You know what I want?

I've always said this. I want Tony Stark's house. Okay. I've always just said I want to be rich enough to have a nice beach house. I need a real house, like a first house. And then I want a vacation house where I want it to be. And then I think I would genuinely be happy in life.

Well, you know. I'd be a little less depressed. Yeah, see, I don't need that. I need a beach house, and then I'm good. I don't even need it to be on the fucking Mafia coast. I'm talking about Jersey. Give me a nice house Where I

Like close by I'd be a very Happy person Yeah that's good I'd like a yacht See but even that Like yes But like are we really

Going to go out on your yacht All that often I don't know man When we got on that yacht When we started It was pretty fucking dope We got a lot of trouble We filled squirt guns with rum.

That'll do it. Didn't tell them it was rum. Didn't tell the crew it was rum. They weren't pleased. That's what you need, by the way, a crew. You can't just have a yacht. Oh, yeah. You can't man your own yacht.

You know how much a captain gets paid? Probably like a billion dollars, like a hundred grand. It's about $1,000 per foot. That's what minimum wage or maybe average salary is. For a year? Yeah. And a yacht's what, like 40 feet average salary is For a year? Yeah And a yacht's what, like 40 feet? Usually, like the minimum?

I don't know That's like one of those Like a bucket yacht is like 100 feet So that's like 100 grand a year to just fucking hang out Next thing you know you're making 10,000 trillion Hey, on a boat Not a bad gig to be like

I'm a yacht captain I guess I'd have all the ants steal a yacht for me. There you go. Boom. That's how you think through a problem. We'll catch you guys next time.