KFC Radio - KFC Radio: Women Are Like Salmon

Episode Date: June 7, 2018

KFC, Feits, and some listener voicemails, it's an old-school episode of KFC Radio. Feits had a wild night with some self-tanner and he finally finds a solution to his fat finger problem. Voicemails include a ridiculous story of a guy not taking a hint, is it weird for guys to call their private parts the "squash garden" and how women are like salmon swimming upstream.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Cleaning lady saw my dick this morning. Are you good? Your cleaning lady saw your dick, eh? It was, I mean, like, yeah, I was getting out of the shower. That's how pornos start, my friend. I know, it's the second time it's happened. I think I talked about it the first time. It wasn't my dick the first time, but I just got out of the shower and I was like, she like called out of the shower. That's how pornos start, my friend. I know. It's the second time it's happened. I think I talked about it the first time.

It wasn't my dick the first time. I just got out of the shower, and she called me into the bedroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she did. Yeah, she did. But this time it was just like, I have a towel that is like, it's almost like someone's safety blanket where you just had it forever. Yeah, it's like ratty and had holes. It's got a huge rip all the way up. Like, I could rip it in half and have a hand towel on the towel.

I could just finish the rip. It's just that much space left. And that's the part that landed right in front of me. So your dick was exposed. It was like the end of a Jolie slit, but it was just on my dick. And she was like, eh? She was very professional about it. She just saw it and looked away.

It was a quick thing. I think we're recording now. That was just something I meant to tell you. No, that's in the episode. That's going to stick in there. Today's episode is brought to you by Omaha Steaks. It is officially Omaha season because it is time for Father's Day. It is time to get your father the Father's Day gift pack at Omaha Steaks,

which is over 22 pieces of meat. The other night I cooked up both the fillets. I cooked up two 5-ounce fillets to have a nice 10-ounce fillet for dinner. On Sunday night, I had the chicken fried steaks. You love that. I made two of those, too. Jesus. So that's why I'm fat.

You've been eating good. Yeah, a little too good. That's why the titties are flying all over the joint. If you want to see TVMA, check out Out of Office, the vlog, where me and Fights just got tits swinging. Swinging. Like, bros just fucking blowing in the wood. Fucking B-cups out here.

My tits was popping so much, it inspired Louis to go to the gym today. My tits was popping so much. Yeah, when you are getting so out of shape that other people go to the gym, that's when you know it's bad. Don't say the top's down. Say the titties is out. I had about 35 minutes of inspiration and then went right back to my old ways. Yeah. I had a grilled chicken for breakfast this morning.

And since I've had a bag of Swedish fish, a bag of Sour Patch Kids, a bag of Cheez-Its, and a bag of pretzels. I had salmon. I was like, oh, I'm being good. And then I had Milky Ways, Twix, Pringles, and another Milky Way. God damn it. But eat like a king with the Omaha Steaks Father's Day gift pack. You get two filet mignons, two top sirloins, four chickens fried steaks, two boneless pork chops, four Omaha Steakburgers, four gourmet jumbo franks,

12 ounces of meatballs, a pound of steakhouse fries, four caramel apple tartlets, a package of seasoning. Oh, yeah, and four more burgers for free. Why not? All you got to do is go to OmahaSteaks.com, type KFC in the search bar, and you'll get the limited time package for just $49.99. That is 78% off. That means it's usually like $200 and something. You get it for $50. I don't think that's what it means. I think it means it like $200 and something. You get it for $50.

I don't think that's what it means. I think it means it's more expensive than that. You're the math guy, but I feel like 78% off means more than $200. It's crazy, right? I think it's almost like $300. Does that make sense? I think it's more. How do you do the math on that, Logan?

You do the X, and then if 49 over this is 78%, it's like 78 over 100 equals 49 over. So you would do. I think it's closer to $500. Is it that crazy? Yeah. I think it's over $500. So it would be 78 over 100 equals 48 over X, right? Sure.

I don't know if that... I haven't done the math in a while. Let's see. So 49 times 100... Wait, wait. 49 times 100 divided by 78. Does that work? Yeah.

No, that comes up to 62. Oh. That's what I thought it was going to be. I thought that's how it was going to work. I think I'm right, to be totally honest. 500? I think it was going to be. I thought that's how it was going to work. I think I'm right, to be totally honest. $500? I think it's over $500. So if I do 500 times.78, it's 390.

500 minus 390 equals 110. I don't know how this works. I don't know. You're a fucking accountant. I was creative writing. It's okay for me to not know this. You did numbers. I need a writing. It's okay for me to not know this. You did numbers. I need like a pen and paper to do it.

I could figure it out. No, you couldn't. If I really thought about it, I could. I swear. I don't think you could. I don't have faith in you. Fuck you. Because of the American downfall.

It's true. It's a true story. But what I do know is how to fucking sling steaks. Go to OmahaSteaks.com. Type KFC in the search bar. I'm sitting here. I don't want to hear the slander from you because I'm looking at your fat fucking sausage boy fingers. And for some reason, they're pasty white mixed with some caramel brown.

I don't know what's going on. You look poopy. It looks like you wiped. It looks like your finger slipped and you were wiping your butt. It's more knuckle. It's more knuckle. It looks like I wiped my ass with my knuckle. Your knuckles are so brown, dude.

It is bad. This is when keeping it beta goes wrong. You went too beta. This is a beta disaster. I pause it. I didn't go beta enough. If everything was brown, you wouldn't even be able to tell. Feidelberg is fucking around with self tanner and it is so wildly obvious his knuckles are so brown he has

this line down his forearm that is like it's like a perfectly straight line where I don't even know what he was doing uh the whole thing is just an absolute disaster. But all that being said, if you don't look at his forearm or his knuckles, my man has a nice glow to it. Yeah, I do. So, you know. Yeah, I do. You tell me what matters, knuckles and forearms or your face looking fucking glowing tan? Okay, so let me explain a little bit here. First of all, it's not my fault.

It's an advertiser. So, a PR company sent us months ago. Months. Months. Months ago. They sent us this big bag of all kinds of self-tanner. Right. They sent us, they have like sponges or gloves you put on your hand and you just rub those on your body.

They sent us masks that you put on your face and you just like sleep in that. They sent us these other things, these overnight things that you rub on, these lotions, a spray mist, all kinds of stuff. Tons of good stuff to make you look hot. Now, we've had it for months. And so all winter, I sat there staring. It sat right on my bedside table, just sat there waiting for a day it could be okay to use. Because all winter, I'm like, I can't show up to the office in self-tanner.

It would look ridiculous. It's December. I can't even pretend because sometimes I'd like to pretend that I had the idea. I'd pretend that I went skiing because you get a tan skiing. You're up high. You do. But I didn't want to. You're up high.

What does that mean? Are you closer to the sun? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that's how it works. Yeah, the elevation's higher, and it's reflecting off the snow. The reflection may be the fact that you're, like, maybe 1,000 feet higher closer to the sun is not what makes you tan. Look, Kevin, we decided that Asian people have squinty eyes because they're closer to the sun.

So I think the elevation helps with the tan. Thank you very much. But so I figured I couldn't pull that off that I went skiing unless I went and I did the tanning lotion around my goggles. Put on my goggles, put on the tanning lotion, and I thought that was just a little bit too much.

I mean, if you were to do that, that would be the most complicated thing I've ever heard in my life, to try to get some glow. Over the top would be a way to describe it. And so I went out this weekend or the other day. I went out with a couple of friends from El Salvador. And I'm out with these three ladies. And they're all very tan.

They're sun-kissed brown, we'll say. You're not. All very tan. They're sun-kissed brown, we'll say. You're not. All very pretty. Yeah, whatever. And they're talking to everyone. In fact, if I were to do it, it would be deemed racist. Anyone brown they see, they just start speaking in Spanish. And anyone brown that responds in Spanish.

It was crazy. Well, if you're right, it's not racist. Right. But even if I was right, like, ah, gracias, sen if you're right, it's not racist. Right. But you know what? Even if I was right, like, ah, gracias, senor. Alright, gringo. They'd say, hey, thanks, John, but you're welcome. Thanks, John Henry. Yeah. But they

do it to busboys, random people on the street. We went to a liquor store, bought a bunch of wine, talking to that dude. Just as soon as they walk in the door, hola, senor! And the guy right away, boom, fires right back. And the entire time I was very in my own skin and head where I was thinking. I'm so wet.

I'm so wet. I'm so wet. And all of these bus boys and all of these liquor store owners and these people on the street are thinking, what is that ghost doing with these women? Did he kidnap these girls? Blink twice if you're on your own. And I was thinking the whole time, I'm thinking, he's talking about me because he knows I can't understand him. Oh, yeah.

He's asking them. He's saying, what are you doing with the pasty boy? Yes. What's his deal? What's his role in all of this? I don't blame you. These are all things that would run through my head as well. There's only one way to correct this.

And I got home. I had a couple of beverages. I mentioned the wine. Went to a couple of different bars. So I had a few drinks. And I got home. I had a couple of beverages. I mentioned the wine. Went to a couple of different bars. So I had a few drinks. And I get home. What of it? And that fucking, that'd be Chardonnay's.

What of it? I get home and that black bag is just staring at me. Call my name John. Look, when I have a couple drinks in me. Rub me, John. I've let things way worse than self-tanner have their way with me. Okay? But I got a couple bevvies going.

John. Course into the bloodstream. Johnny, you're talking to a guy who tried to clone his dick with some paper mache clay after a couple at night, all right? So you don't have to talk to me, pal. We are in the trust tree. I get what goes on. And so I was in bed and almost like the beating heart. I could just hear. It's calling your name.

I could hear. I was in bed, lights off. Come here, pasty. Right? I could just be like, dun-dun, dun-dun. I pop up in bed and look across the room. There's that black bag just looking at me. That little black bag just saying, come on,

Jetty boy. Come on. Rub me on just a little bit. Come here, you white little bitch. Why don't I take a little piece of this? Why don't you? So I said, John, you could be like the bus boys in the liquor store. You could be like them, too. Go get me. I said, all right, James Reed. A little shout out to the PR company there. All right, Jimmy. Let's do this.

So I go into the bathroom, get the overnight stuff. It's just you leave it on overnight, right, which sounds like a terrible idea. Seriously. Just leave a lotion. Let this just soak in. I'm in the mirror. I mean, lotion is something you specifically rub in and get rid of.

Just lather this up and just let it sit on you for 12 hours. So I'm in the mirror, and I'm thinking, I got yay blaring. I'm in my element a little bit. Just having a night. I'm picturing myself like the lady in Varsity Blues. I'm just getting sexy right now. I'm rubbing it all over my face. The reenactment, folks, is equally as disgusting.

I got it up the arms, missed a couple spots. Clearly. As you mentioned. Really doubled down on the knuckles, apparently. Very clear line. John just sat there rubbing his knuckles. Let me get these fucking knuckles nice and tan. And so then I go to bed.

I go to lay in bed. And while I'm laying in bed, it starts to hit me what I just did. I've done something wrong oh no and and I can I can smell it and the smell is hard to describe it was both disgusting and tantalizing it was like a Totino's in a gym sock it was it was bad John Feberg, disgusting yet tantalizing. That's the new tagline for KC Radio, disgusting yet tantalizing. But it was so bad, it was making my eyes water. And then my eyes were watering.

Reed's officially like, no, no, no. It was making my eyes water. And the eyes, it like burned. Yeah. Like it hurt like to cry. It hurt. I don't know why. It was like I was crying poison.

I guess I'd gotten some in my eyes perhaps. It hurt to cry. Applying this drunk, maybe not the best move, but I got some in my eyes and I'm just sitting there in bed smelling this terrible smell and crying. Pain is beauty. I was like, I gotta fall asleep. And I'll tell you what, the body's a wonderful machine. It knew never to roll over.

I woke up. It just stayed flat. I woke up exactly as I fell asleep. Just stared at the ceiling, hands spread out, fingers spread out. Your subconscious is like, we cannot fuck around with this. We're going to look ridiculous if we screw this up. Stay still. It's a wonderful machine God built here. He knows exactly what he's doing with this stuff.

He's working out the kinks in the heaven garage. We're like, look, in 2018, it's going to be self-tanner. It can't be rolling around in bed. It's like you just blinked. It was like one long blink. Well, so then you come in, and you got a nice glow to you, but your fat sausage fingers look awful. Oh, they're disgusting.

They're just grotesque. I want to cut them off and just have two fists. Just two nubs. Just ready to fight at all times. I'll just club you, and I can just, like, stir pots with it and stuff. Like fucking Winnie the Pooh eating his honey. He just sticks his nub in the pot, eating a smackerel of food.

Get rid of those things. I'll tell you what the real problem is. It's the little fingernails you have in the middle of the fat sausage tips. They like, they're like, they're like so tight. I think I have really nice fingernails, actually. They just make your fingers look fatter and sausage tips. They like, they're like, they're like, so tough. I think I have really nice fingernails, actually. But they just make your fingers look

fatter and sausageier. Gotta get rid of them. You gotta get rid of them. Those things. John's just holding his hands and fists right now. Just staring at them.

Balling them up like, I think I could do this. I'm just staring at them thinking, God, why have you forsaken me? What is this? What did I do in a past life, God, to have these hands?

What do the poor ladies in your life think of those paws? Don't let two in. That was a great answer. Just imagine those paws all over your body, though. Like, you're making out with John, and you just feel like a little, like, raccoon paw on your butt. Like a little, like a 12-year-old grabbing your tit. A fat fourth grader grabbing your titties. My fucking stomach hurts.

Let's get into these voicemails. We're going to the West Coast next week. KC Radio out of office hits L.A. So we'll be packing up our away luggage. Oh, shit. Anytime I get to break out the luggage. This is like the funeral where I get excited to wear a suit. Yes. You get to travel. I get to use my away. Yep. I know exactly where it is. I know we're in the closet. I'm going to break it out. I've

got the white one. It's got like the hard shell to it, so you can pack your stuff. It all stays folded. It doesn't get smushed. You can put like glasses in there. You can put fragile stuff in there. Nothing will break because it's got that sturdy case. Of course, as always, it's got the USB charger so you can keep your phone charged up no matter where you are. You don't have to be near an outlet. You just plug your phone right into your bag and you get that juice. They come in four different sizes, the carry-on, the bigger carry-on, the medium or the large for extended stays. They've got all sorts of different colors and designs, and you get a 100-day trial. So you want to try it out, go on a couple vacations, see how it rolls, see how it works.

If you don't like it, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. But you're not going to want to do that because it's the most high-quality luggage you've ever used. Go to awaytravel.com slash kfctravel, and then use the promo code kfctravel, and you'll get $20 off that suitcase. So awaytravel.com slash kfctravel, and then use the promo code kfctravel. Get yourself the best piece of luggage you can afford and travel wisely. Travel easy. Travel the best you can. Voicemails.

What do we got? I figured out the math. Before we get to the voicemails, I figured out the math. John was like, you should be able to do this. I was like, I should be able to do this. However, it's only $160. Who'd you text? No, I did it.

I did it. So you do 49 over X equals 78 over 100. So then it's 78 times 100 divided by 49. I've already zoned out, just so you know. Times 100 divided by 49. It's always second grade math. You don't have to show me your work. $1.60.

Okay, so I was off of $500. Yeah, so ultimately you're the dumb one. Look, this isn't a revelation that I'm the dumb one with math. Right, you're the dumb one with everything. Yeah, let's get to the voicemails. Hey, KFC, Fights, Super Producer BC, first time, long time. I'm calling to have a question on girls if I'm just a big dumb idiot like Fights. I was dating this girl for about a year and a half, very serious.

We had talked about marriage the whole night. Well, we would be c the whole night well we would be cuddling and she would get texts from guys and i'd obviously see it because we were cuddling it would be something like hey babe or miss you with a kiss emoji i'd ask her about it and she would just say oh that's just how i've won the restaurant industry talks don't worry yeah sure i gave her the benefit of the doubt but one night i was drunk and went through her phone and some guy had asked her what she was doing and she replied with just cleaning would rather you come over and fuck me i freaked out asked her about it and she said it's a figure of speech like oh okay i'm just gonna go fuck

myself again love made me stupid cluttered my judgment so i gave her benefit of the doubt bro fast forward to march she was supposed to come over my house after work and sleep over and we were gonna spend the next day together she tells me that she was asked to come over my house after work and sleep over, and we were going to spend the next day together. She tells me that she was asked to go into work the next day, so she couldn't. Well, the next day, I sent her a snap, and she opened it, which was weird because she never did that when she was working. So I sent her a text and got no response.

So I check her location on the Snapchat map, and she's not at work. She was at some house. So later that night, when I went over her house and slept over and asked about it, asked her. If whatever excuse she gives for this Wait, press pause for a second. If whatever excuse she gives for this one, if he buys that excuse too, if this is not the straw that broke the camel's back, I'm going to go berserk. What was up?

She said her Snapchat must be working because she was at work the whole time. The next morning I went to clean up a mess that her cats made because they pissed on the carpet. And the cats are pissing? And under her sink, I found an empty box of Plan B. And no, she's on birth control, which sucks. I asked her about it. She said it was from the last time I bought it for, like, two or three weeks prior. But I also found a receipt for Walgreens under her sink for, guess what, Plan B.

The date on the receipt was for the day that she was supposed to be at work and couldn't come over. She just said that it's not hers and didn't know how it got there, but I had enough and left. So we didn't talk for three months until last weekend. I was hammered and asked if she wanted to get a drink or get a bite to eat because she just moved 20 minutes away and she used to live an hour away. What a saga. We went out last night, not sure what to expect,

and it's like all my feelings for her came flooding back head over heels 10 minutes to her getting there she made this really weird look at her phone and i asked what's up she said the guy i'm talking to said something that makes no sense instant heartbreak apparently she met him on a work trip on saint patty's day they fucked and went their separate ways hurdle back to florida him to kansas but now they're talking apparently she's in love with him. I've only known him for like 10 weeks. Question is, is this girl psycho? Am I in the wrong for accusing her of cheating me?

And did I blow the best thing I ever did? What? And how can a girl who's talking to you about marriage and having a family three months later be in love with another guy that she's only known for 10 weeks? Thanks, Viva. All right. Listen, we'll just go full disclosure here. Obviously

with the cheating topic, we were like, I don't know if we want to do this. Logan was like, we got to play this voicemail though. It's that absurd. I mean, for the final question to be like, am I crazy for accusing her of cheating? What does she got to do? She was probably going back to her girlfriends

being like, what do I got to fuck the guy in front of him? I left the plan B with the receipt. With the, I mean, who gets receipts anymore? What do you mean? Like, every time they say, do you want your receipt? No. I don't want yours. I won't be returning my plan fucking B.

Especially when you go to, you know, you're getting plan B at the CVS, which is like fucking 12 feet long. Plan B is you take it and you're done with it. That's not something you need to prove that you bought. You're not expensing that one. You're not writing that one off when it comes to tax season. I mean, how much more evidence can someone possibly leave behind? You know. I mean, that's.

Listen, there are some of us out there who get caught on social media. There are other people out there who leave goddamn breadcrumbs all over the fucking place that you're clearly having sex with somebody else. The fucking, like, my Snapchat was broken. I love the... It's one of the most technologically savvy companies in the world. It's like, no, it's not. It's not just fucking your GPS, Tiffany.

How about the old, oh, I don't know, that's not mine. It's like when you get caught with weed as a kid. It's my friend's. It's my friend's plan B. It's from when you get caught with weed as a kid. It's my friend's. It's my friend's plan B. It's from the time you bought it for me a couple weeks ago. I've been leaving my plan B on the counter. Wait a minute. My empty plan B box.

How about I want you to come over and fuck me? Oh, that's just a figure of speech. What? That one's the worst. Let's rank them. Let's rank them. Winky faces, I love you, hey babe. That's just how we speak in the restaurant industry?

Ridiculous. The restaurant, yeah. Like, what? Like, restaurant industry has some code they speak by. We're Navajos. We only speak in hieroglyphics. Get the fuck out of here. You're a waitress. The plan B The plan B

Receipt The Snapchat is broken And the it's a figure of speech Come fuck me This guy I hate to say it Because this guy sounded like he was so in love And like devastated

But this guy deserves it at some point The part about Yeah I mean Look I'm a hopeless romantic, so I'm on my man's side here to an extent. What does that mean, though, on his side? You want him to be happy, but it's like you're being an idiot, clearly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I was his friend, I'd say, look, dude, I understand what you want.

I understand what you're after. I totally get it. This just ain't it. Yeah, this ain't the one. This is not the one. This is not the one. And to answer his second question, as I brought up the romantic thing, yeah, I mean, I don't really think it's crazy to think that someone could be in love 10 weeks later. That's kind of the heart wants what the heart wants.

True. But the idea that this is a girl you're still going to continue pursuing, which is what it seemed like you were doing, asking her out to drinks. Not good. That's a bad idea. You know what? I mean, it's not even because, again, listen, I'm going through my whole situation with cheating. And it's like you can – there's a lot of different ways the Rose can go after a cheating situation. But after – like it sounds like he still doesn't even understand that she's cheating. Yeah.

That's what's crazy. He asked, was it wrong of me to? No, bro. It was wrong of you to stay with her while her cats were pissing all over your carpet while she was pissing on your life. I forgot about the cats. You just threw that in there. So I'm cleaning out the fucking carpet because the cats keep pissing.

And meanwhile, I think she's getting cum inside her, but I don't know if it's good. It's like, what are you doing, dude? You gotta be better than that, Tyler. I'm sorry. I don't know if it's going to – It's like, what are you doing, dude? You got to be better than that, Tyler. I'm sorry. I don't know if his name is Tyler. I'm big into making up names now. I like that. Just roll with whatever comes to your brain.

Yeah. All right, Jeremiah. All right, dude. Next voicemail. What's up, KFC? What's up? I'm on the site and Super Producer vc just chatting with my girlfriend and apparently at one point she was hooking up to an actual human man who referred to his private area as squash garden is Squash Garden. I have to know if this is a weird thing, guys.

What the fuck? That's the weirdest nickname I've ever heard in my life. Is that normal? What's maybe the worst name you could have for a squash garden? Give me something that talks squash garden. Thanks. Bye. I hate this so much.

Naming your dick? I hate naming. I hate just calling dicks anything other than dicks and pussies anything other than pussies. I hate it. What about cock? Yeah, well, I mean the normal nomenclature. Cock, dick, penis. I would do.

I'm good with pussy, vagina. That's pretty much it. What about like twat? No. Nope. What about slit? Nope. What about hatchet wound?

Axe wound. Nope. I hate all of that stuff so much. What about snatch? Even snatch, no. Cooch? Nope. Nope.

There's nothing. It's pussy vagina. And it's one of those things where, and that goes doubly so for giving it fucking proper nouns. Like giving it a name. The squash garden is weird. Like usually I would think of a pussy as a garden and the dick as the squash. Yeah. Squash garden is like you got both of them.

They're both mixed in. Can you come up with a worse name though? Squash garden. Princess Sophia. For the pussy? Dick. Yeah, though? Squash Garden. Princess Sophia. For the pussy? Dick. Yeah, you can't call your dick Princess Sophia. It's from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

Oh, right, right, right. It's a good name for a pussy. What does he want to call it? It's not Thor, but it's something like that. That would be bad, too, though. Oh, no, there's no good proper noun. There's no good name to give your dick. It's a dick. It's just Thor, but it's something like that. That would be bad, too, though. Oh, no, there's no good proper noun. There's no good name to give your dick. It's a dick.

It's just a dick. This is my fucking dick. I don't even say my cock. I don't say that. You gotta say that when you're really trying to dial it up a notch. We all know John's so prude. I am oddly prude, yes. I feel like John's like, I don't want to stick my penis into your vagina. In between the labia.

Yo, when I sext, man, I have a medical book out when I sext. Gross, dude. Gross. That fucking big red medical book. Sitting here thumbing through pages. I got a phone in one hand. The labia minora is going to be. Frenulum is going to be rubbing all over here.

Disgusting. Yeah, the only thing worse than squash garden is going literal biological medical fucking words. Disgusting. garden is going literal biological medical fucking words disgusting hey kfc fight super producer bc uh one of the best blogs i've ever read at our school is fights movie going experience by himself and that reminded me of a similar experience that happened to me a couple weeks ago it was a monday night so it's not crowded at all, and I bought a ticket for one to go see Deadpool 2. I walked into the theater, and it was already dark, and as I approached my assigned seat, I see a group of kids I used to go to high school with in the seats right next to me. So I tried to sit down fast and try to hide myself so they could not identify me,

and I would not have to talk to them. So I devised a plan that the second the movie was over, I would sprint out of the theater so they would not be able to recognize me. The movie was finished, and I already pre-reclined my seat back up, and I bolted out of there. As I leave the theater, the lobby was completely empty except for four people. As I walked by them, I looked over and see it's different than the people I went to high school with.

I was friends with one of them and we made eye contact, so I was forced to go over with her and have one of the most uncomfortable conversations ever. After that, I just left the place defeated. So my hypothetical is that would you rather have this exact scenario happen to you or not be able to go to the movies for one entire year? Thank you. Appreciate it. Stay away from the movies altogether or every time you go to the movies, you get caught in an awkward conversation with your high school acquaintances. Now, you go to the movies like twice a week. So giving up the movies for a year for you would be a big deal.

Nice. Yeah. But what if tomorrow and every other time you went, you had to chit-chat with Brad from Portsmouth Abbey or whatever it's called? Surprisingly, there were no Brads or Chads in my high school. See, this is a tough question to ask me because I just don't do that anymore. You just won't even engage in the small talk? Don't deal with it. Just like –

I'll say hi. I'll be like, what up? And then I don't even make up excuses anymore. I say, hey, man, it was good talking to you. Yeah, got to go. Got to go. I don't pretend to look at my phone. I don't pretend, oh, I'm going to go meet someone else.

I'm actually surprised by that because usually I feel like you let yourself get pushed around and peer pressured in social situations. I do. I mean, talking to them is me get pushed around and peer pressured in social situations. I do. I mean, talking to them is me getting pushed around. So even me engaging in conversation. Yeah, you've already succumbed a little bit. Yeah. But I do a quick talk and I say, hey, man, good talking to you.

And I walk away. Yep. I mean, you've got to learn how to implement that into your life. Like, you're not being rude. You've said hello. Yeah. But we don't need to. I do it at bars all the time. Yeah. I guess it's probably something we've learned to do with stoolies where I'm not being rude. You've said hello. Yeah. But we don't need to. I do it at bars all the time.

Yeah. I guess it's probably something we've learned to do with stoolies where I'm not being rude. Well, that's also the difference. But this conversation has run its course. That's also what's, I guess, maybe good for us is like, yeah, we see that so often. Or that's always an element that it can just be like, dap it up, walk away, and that's not being rude. Maybe normal people feel the need to like engage in a little more conversation but if you feel that

you need cause it's one of those situations where everybody wants it to be that way so like maybe the person you're both having

a conversation that neither person wants to have so why doesn't one of you just say good to see you man right hey it's great to see you

hope things are good peace walk away I'll do a quick talk so I don't really think I even hit the awkward conversation stage. I'll do a quick talk. Hey, man, how you been? How you been?

Oh, that's what you're doing? Great. That's cool. Anyway, good catching up. Right. I don't want to talk about myself. Yeah. Yeah.

So I guess I take that because I don't really want to do it. Because you just know how to handle that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean- Not going to the movies by myself is a tough sacrifice to make. So that's off the table. I would do that even more than you if I could.

If I didn't have any responsibilities. You go every day? I would go like every day. That's pretty fun. Every day. Because you know what I've realized recently? I'm struggling to like watch TV at home. I'm just like constantly on the phone and constantly doing shit

around the house where it's like, I think I need to be like, all right, I'm in a movie theater and I'm here to like sit down and watch this movie so I'll do it

because if not, I'm just like, let me check out what's going on over here. Let me send this email. Let me text this person and I'm constantly rewinding, constantly missing.

I put on hockey the other night. I don't give a fuck about hockey but I knew it was just like passive viewing because I was just going to be dicking around on Twitter the whole night. It's getting bad. I've actually gotten much better at it. I've gone the opposite fuck about hockey, but I knew it was just like passive viewing because I was just going to be dicking around on Twitter the whole night.

It's getting bad. I've actually gotten much better at it. I've gone the opposite way as you. Yeah? Yeah. I've gotten much better at it. You know, when I had something on like The Office or something on Parks and Rec or whatever, yeah. That's, as you said, passive viewing. But I did Safe recently. I watched every

second of that. That took me probably two and a half times the amount of time it should have between rewinding. I don't know. I was totally fine. I banged right through it. I watched every second of that. That took me probably two and a half times the amount of time it should have, but between rewinding. I don't know. I was totally fine. I banged right through it. I watched a shitload of movies this weekend. All of them, boom.

I watched the Bourne Ultimatum last night. I've seen that ten times. Watched that, boom. Didn't even look at my phone. Good for you. You know what I think helps? What? Which I guess it doesn't because it doesn't help you.

I watch with subtitles on. So I'm reading something the whole time. And even though I can hear and it's in English, I still feel like I have to stick with it. I do have subtitles on, but I just will be like, what's happening on Twitter? Yeah. With the subtitles on, I don't do that. It's a good hindrance. Good for you, John.

I'm proud of you. Thanks, man. Next voicemail is brought to you by Join Honey. Have you joined Honey yet? Buddy. Oh, buddy. I joined Honey. Dude, if you have not joined honey I was gonna say something the sponsor

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Go to joinhoney.com slash KFC. Two clicks to install it. Start saving that money. It's joinhoney.com slash KFC. Two clicks to install it and start saving that money. It's joinhoney.com slash KFC. What's up, KFC? Fight Superdudez of BC. I want to get a little question. Y'all, I was talking to my buddy about this the other day. We were wondering, you know, what it would be like if you could have a spoiler for the night before you go out.

So I guess the idea behind it is that, you know, every day of the week at, like, maybe 6 o'clock, you get a spoiler saying how your night will end. You know, you go home with someone, you end up being super hungover the next day, whatever. So I guess the idea would be, you know, if your night's going to suck, you could just be like, okay, well, I'm not going out. I'm personally leaning on this issue that I wouldn't want that because I think it would suck if, like, you know, you would go home with somebody on, like, a Tuesday and you just don't want to go out anyways because, you know, you maybe don't want to be hung over for work the next day.

But I don't know. Just want to get y'all's opinion on this question is. Out. No, I'm so in. Out. You don't want to know? Nope. No idea. Why not?

Just takes away the fun of it. There's no fun. You don't have fun in your life. I have fun when I'm out. You do? Yeah. That was the least convincing yeah ever. To an extent, yeah.

Yo, there is, I would absolutely love to know. Now, but I mean, look, if I was going to a club, yes, I want to know. Are you going to go to the discotheque, John? Why are you going to go to the club? Because I don't like going to clubs. Right, so you'd know whether it's worth it. So that I would want to know. But I do enjoy just going to bars and sitting with my friends and seeing where the night goes.

Nah, let me know. I'll take that note. Nah, this is the same kind of thing. I know you don't like tarot cards or fortune tellers. This is that same kind of thing where, because even if you know, you're still going to doubt it.

Nah, I can beat the system. Well, this is the thing, is like, I need to know, are we talking like back to the future where I can influence? Let's say it tells you, all right, you're going to go home with someone tonight.

So I'm like, all right, I'm going to wear sweatpants to the bar then. I'm just going to like – I'm not even going to try. No. See, this sounds terrible. Put on sweatpants. Oh, my God, no. Sweatpants outside. It's the worst.

John is the worst. But then would the fate hold true if I'm tempting fate? Like, oh, yeah, I'm going to hook up with someone. I'm going to like not even try. Is'm going to, like, not even try. Is it just going to fall into my lap? Or maybe that's part of it. It's almost like the Avengers. It's like that fucking wizard.

No, this is great. I love this shit. So he was like, no, no, no. I told you you were going to hook up with someone. And then because of that, you acted like you didn't give a shit. But that's actually the reason why you hooked up with someone. Because the girl saw you across the way acting all casual and not caring. That's why you fucked. So, actually, you played right into it. acting all casual and not caring. That's why you fucked.

So actually, you played right into it. I don't know, man. Let me tell you what. You can act casual and not care. It's still a good way to do it.

Nah. You look like you're trying all the time with your fucking tan knuckles and shit. Look at me. I'm so casual. With my pudgy fucking brown knuckles.

No, no, it's cool. I wet my ass with my knuckles. It's not self-tanner. I mean, if I could... It's cool. I was just foraging for nuts outside and digging in the woods. If I could just get a little download and be like, yeah, no, tomorrow you're actually so hungover you can't go to work.

Like, all right, I'm not going out tonight. No, I don't want to know that. I don't like to know the future. I have no... You're going to get punched in the face in a bar fight. Would you want to know what day you die? I don't want to know that, but I want to know if I can avoid going out to the bar

if it's going to be a terrible night or if it's going to be a good night. I'm never going to get punched in the face in a bar because I'm not an asshole. To other people. To you, I am. Maybe I'll go to punch you in the face. Maybe the little future would be like, hey, Kevin's going to punch you in the face tonight.

John would be like, let's go. It would be a wild email to get. Imagine if we both get it. I was like, oh, shit. Look what happens. I'm going to punch John tonight. I don't know. It's just not something I – like I said, I –

John likes to throw caution to the wind. I appreciate a night out and just not knowing what's going to happen next. I like to fly by the seat of my pants. The uncertainty, the unknown. Yeah. I'm all about the unknown. Johnny unknown. That's some romantic shit.

What if it said you're going to meet the love of your life tonight? That's interesting. No, because then you know. What if you just sleep together once? This isn't Black Mirror shit. What if you just sleep together once and then that's it? She just wants to be done. And you're like, no, I was told the love of my life.

And then that ruins the rest of your life because then you pine for her forever. No, but that's probably part of the whole thing. It depends on how reliable this – Let's assume this magic is rather reliable. So then the magic might be that, yeah, she thinks that it's a one-night stand

and you have to be like, no, no, no, you're the one and that's how she actually becomes the one. And what, kidnap her? Woo her? Persuade her?

Court her? Yes. I think of it as what if she just says, no, I'm done. It was a one-night stand. I have a boyfriend., what if she just says, no, I'm done. It was a one-night stand. I have a boyfriend. Yeah, be like, nah, my magic genie told me otherwise.

Yeah, then you're fucking single for life. Listen, Jessica, I have a magic genie, and he says you're mine. Okay, Tom, I'm out. What do we got? Yo, KFC Fight, super producer VC. I had a question. I'm 27, live in New York City, and I've just completely stopped updating all my social media.

No Facebook since, like, 2013. No Instagram post since 2014 because I honestly just have nothing interesting to share. Anyway, the point is, do you think that's weird if you're single and you're trying to date? Would a girl find that weird or would they be like,

oh, this guy actually has a wife. He doesn't care about that shit. Cheers to your thoughts. Not having social media is a weird move right now. It is, but I think it'll be a turn on. Yeah, I think you've got to. But this is what I mean. It is weird, so you have to kind of have a story.

Yeah, you can't. You have to be prepared. You can't just be the, I don't have anything interesting going on. Right. Say, I live life. Right. You've got to make it. You've got to spin it into something. Yeah. Be like, you know. Not like, oh, it's so boring. I don't have anything interesting going on. Say, I live life. Right. You got to make it, you got to spin it into something.

Yeah. Be like, you know. Not like, oh, it's so boring. I don't have any tweet or pictures of. Mm-hmm. And say, look, I'm too busy. I live in the moment or like, I don't want everybody. You probably got to get a hat. Get a gentleman's hat.

Wear one of those. You wear one of those, you tell a gal you live life. She's going to believe you. you wear one of those you tell a gal you live life she's gonna believe ya I feel like I'm picturing like Mac in a duster being like I don't have Instagram yeah yeah

fuck your pussy yeah I remember you with my eyes you gotta be like nah I don't like I don't like

you know you tell a girl like I don't wanna share all of our business with everybody that's just for us that's you know like these experiences these moments they're just between me and you.

And that's one of those things – Why would I want to share my life and share you with everybody else? That's one of those things that will have a girl falling into your bed as if it's the opening scene of Wedding Crashers. But it's also one of those things that will eventually wear on her. Bingo! As soon as you're like, I'm not going to upload a picture of you on our anniversary. That's private between us. What the fuck?

I want you to show my friends that we're dating and we're in love. So you got to be willing to. Also, to get real skeptical with it, like a lot of people, you don't have social media or whatever. Everyone, not everyone, some people will assume you're cheating. You got a wife on the side. You got a whole other family you're trying to hide. But I think 27, you're young. You got a wife on the side. You got a whole other family you're trying to hide. But I think 27, you're young enough. Probably.

But just saying, these are the things that run through people's minds. It's so common now that when you say you don't have anything, they'll be like, why not? You're probably lying. What's the deal there? You just have to be able to explain yourself. Yeah, and I do think this is another bonus is if you go with the, it's my privacy, I'm just out there living,

she's the one who converts you to social media. Hey, you're so beautiful that I need to show you off. You're the first thing I've wanted to share. Hey, buddy. Look at that. We just had girls melted in his hand. Get the hat, though. Get the hat, though. What though What's up KFC Radio

Calling in from Leggots, New Jersey, Manisquan I'm pretty sure I was getting catfished earlier This pen hit me up on Instagram And I'm like a hard six Decided to shoot my shot DM'd her Anyway She ended up sending me a couple of nudes, sent her a dick pic, still working on a number.

Am I getting catfished? And what would you do if this chick that's way out of your league was like, yo, what's up? Let me know. I mean, I think we're going to need a little more context here. I don't know. I don't know if you're getting catfished. Maybe it's real. I should get catfished.

You think so? Dude, who the fucking 10 is just DMing random dudes now? I mean, it's just totally straight up a random DM. That's what it sounds like. Then that's a catfish. Chicks don't troll the internet for dick. It goes the other way. Salmon swim upstream, vagina

swims down. At least the hot ones. Right? The salmon would be the vagina and the dick is the bear. Coming downstream to eat it. Continue. Keep going.

Continue. Flesh this out for me. I think that's it. I'm sticking with that one. I think that's it. Wait, you threw the bear in there? I almost passed out. Well, I mean, a dick is a very great metaphor.

I mean, a bear is a very great metaphor for a dick slash man. Salmon's great for pussy. Salmon's great for pussy. And what's the water? The internet. Got it. Wow. The ladies are just going about their way.

That's how they live life, on the internet. Dick's come down. I'm going to eat you. Wait, no, wait, wait. The water is the internet. Salmon swim upstream. Yeah. So that can't be the pussy.

Why? Because that's where they naturally go. No, but they're going against the internet. That's what the guys are doing. I see what you mean. Like, it's natural for a salmon to go, but we need something that goes with. I think they're just living their natural life on the internet. They're just doing their thing.

Yeah, they're living their natural... You know what? That's actually good because girls overcomplicate things. So the internet's going this way, and they're doing their natural thing, which is making life too hard by swimming upstream, and then that dick bear is coming and going to pull you out of here.

I like it. That is a great analogy. And that, my friend, is how you get catfished. Yeah, this 10 starts showing me pictures of her vagina. Anyway, you think she's real? No, I don't. This is the same guy from before getting cheated. No, definitely not real, dude.

All right, last voicemail of the day is brought to you by- And probably you're going to find that out the hard way in a couple of weeks when you get another DM from Tiffany. I already used Tiffany today. Fuck. From Beth. And Beth says, I'm going to show your dick to every one of your friends if you don't pay 500 bucks. Yeah, 100%. Yo, the dick pic is- I'm not going to sit here and tell you not to send dick pics because we're all adults, so we all know what happens.

You send your dick around the internet, right? But you should make sure there's a level of, like, some trust. Yeah. You know? Not just a random Instagram chick. Right. What do your dick look like? Or you've got to make – or just you've got to send them a fake dick. If it's your dick and there's any distinguishing features that let people know that it's your dick,

you've got to have someone you trust. At least a smidge. Not just a random internet account. Final Voicemail of the Day is brought to you by Blue Apron. It is the number one ingredient delivery service in the market. They take farm fresh ingredients. They prepackage them, pre-portion them. Everything is put in these little bags, these little boxes so that everything is easy to

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You guys were debating who was more talented, Justin Timberlake or Donald Glover. And it got me thinking when aliens come to Earth and we have to say we have to send one guy to go meet them, one guy or girl, and, you know, like our best, most talented person,

who would it be? Personally, I'd have to go with The Rock. But I want to hear you guys' thoughts. Peace. Sending the most talented human representative to meet the aliens. The Rock is super talented in, in like a lot of ways but like his talent is more like his personal personable personality yeah which is good that's a great talent to meet the aliens for sure oh yeah listen personality will take you a long way he also has

you know the body and the athleticism and all the money and all that shit to go along with it. We just have the personality. True. And some orange knuckles. And titties. And titties. Great tits. So we're not exactly on the same level as the Rockets.

Oh, I'm not saying we should go. Don't get me wrong. I'm just saying personality being your only thing you have going for you is okay. If you're going to have one thing going for you, make it personality. Make it personality, no doubt. Or money. Make it your bank account. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, come on. Come on. Or good looks. Actually, personality is not that good. Nah, there are plenty of fucking, like, attractive people who aren't interesting or rich. Oh, yeah, definitely. But, like, they're hot, so that doesn't matter.

Nah, but you still live a life of... And eventually that sadness will make you ugly on the outside. Yeah, well, eventually time just makes you ugly on the outside, too. Right. My personality. I'm just already ugly on the outside, so I'm good. It's like, it's going to get a little bit worse, but I'm already bad. I'm holding out hope it's going to get better.

What's good about being a guy is you do get the distinguished gentleman thing. If I can just, like, lose some of these tits here, I'm good to go. Right. Yeah. If I ever- Salt and pepper and all that look. Energy to go to a gym. Buddy, watch out.

If I ever go to the gym- Clooney! If I ever go to the gym, it's over for you hoes. Okay? If I ever get my body hot, it's a wrap. It will literally never happen. Clooney was the first person I thought of, but that's also personality and money.

Yeah, but that's also a good answer for what we're talking about. Meeting the aliens, he does all that humanitarian shit. He would know how to be an ambassador to the world. The Rock is a solid pick. I don't think you send your most talented person. No, because what if they kill him?

Right. I wouldn't send Glover or JT. I'm sending that little fucking gnome, Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest isn't a bad one. You know? He's a good answer, but if we lose him, we can live. The aliens are like, bam! You just zap him with a gun and be like, well, at least it wasn't The Rock. Sorry, Seacrest, you're sad.

Skyscraper's still coming out. Hey, watch out. We'll for sure be doing our KFC Radio Alone Together series with Skyscraper when that drops. For sure. I think I'm sending Seacrest. I'm going to go Clooney. Okay. Fair.

Who would you send to represent the human race to meet the aliens for the first time? Holler at us on Twitter at KFC Radio. And we'll catch you guys next time. Feidelberg, any last words for him?