KFC Radio - KFCradio: Artie Lange

Episode Date: July 24, 2018

Artie Lange joins the show to talk about his time at Howard Stern, his drug addiction, his gambling addiction and the time KFC's dog almost bit him in Hoboken. Artie is very candid and goes in-depth on what it was like developing a heroin addiction and why is he trying to stay clean. Afterwards Feits tells us about his bachelor party trip to Montreal and sleeping in the woods. Voicemails include: slapping ass on the 1st date, the monkey emoji, the Kmarko doppleganger, and sex on your story.Episode presented by:23AndMe 23andme.com/kfc to save 30%Blue Apron BlueApron.com/kfc for 3 meals freeRevTown Jeans Online only at www.revtownusa.comBlack Buffalo blackbuffalo.com and use promo code KFCRADIO for 15% off your next orderForHIMS ForHims.com/kfc for $5 free trial monthYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

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you just saying that, that I had a propensity for Spanish reminded me of, I saw the other day of Snooki Talking about how she was Actually this is probably all connected Because she's Peruvian She is Because she's adopted

She talks about how she always failed Spanish And she was so surprised Because she should have been able to speak Spanish And I was just like That's not how it works. You grew up in New Jersey to do Italian parents. It's not, it's not a thing that's just in your blood. It's what you're surrounded by growing up. It's what language you're basically taught.

That's hilarious. I was always so confused why I would fail Spanish in high school. Cause I should be good at it no you shouldn't you moved to America when you were one you're as good as you are in French and Russian and every other language snook what a woman

what a treasure we got another national treasure on the show today Artie Lang my elusive white whale I've been chasing Artie Lang for the better part of three years now trying to track him down. I would say that we probably had six different occasions where we had him on the books to come in and do an interview in the flesh. Uh, and he either flaked or, or just colleges that right away. He says, he

says, he says, you know, I would skip gigs that were going to make me $40,000. So your free fucking podcast was not at the top of my list. It ain't a priority. We didn't even book a studio. We thought there was such a slim chance that he would show up that it was like, yeah, guys, this is not happening. I started to take bets. I was like, yeah, well, believe it when I see it. I was in the middle of an interview, like a business interview, downstairs,

talking to a guy trying to get a job here, and Brent came down and told me Artie Lang actually showed up, so I just ended that interview. I was like, sorry, man. I know you came here to talk, but the impossible has happened. Artie Lang has showed up for a speaking engagement, and thank God he did

because I would say this might be our best interview ever i would think so too i think we've done a lot of great ones i think there were a lot that i had a lot of fun at glenn howerton is still he was kind of my white whale um so that's still very up there but but arty was i mean and we were saying we we don't do anything we just talk to an interesting person it's already a story yeah i mean you know glenn and those guys are fun and there are like, you know, there are favorite actors and whatnot, but you know, they're on the promotional trail and talking about their movies and it's all very, you know, the same type of stuff.

Artie Lang sat down with us. He's promoting his book, but he's telling us about his life and it is a fucking wildlife. The good, the bad, the highs, the lows, the heroin highs, the heroin highs and the heroin lows, the gambling highs and lows, the heroin highs, the heroin highs and the heroin lows, the gambling highs and lows and the comedy highs and lows. So we're going to get into it. He speaks very candidly about Howard Stern, speaks very candidly about his heroin addiction, which is interesting and a little uncomfortable because it is such a taboo and harsh topic.

And he just talks about it like, you know, I had a beer for lunch the other day. because it is such a taboo and harsh topic. And he just talks about it like, you know, I had a beer for lunch the other day. And so you're kind of laughing at it, and you're interested in it, and you're intrigued by it, but it's also obviously such a demon for this guy. It's all wildly interesting. There was one time where I laughed out loud, and it was not a laugh out loud line. Nobody else laughed. No one else laughed in the room.

I kind of looked at you right after. Way to leave me fucking hanging, bro. Yeah, we need like a little signal. I was like, oh! Yes, that was a funny moment, yeah. So, already like, maybe the best KFC Radio interview ever. Let's get into it. It's brought to you by Blue Apron.

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when you use the URL blueapron.com slash KFC. It's Blue Apron, a better way to cook. All right. We are finally here with a guest that I've been trying to get on the show and in the studio for literally years now. I didn't think it was ever going to happen. Today it was scheduled. I was like, I'll believe it when I see it. Yeah, right.

Artie Lang is here in the building, live in the flesh. I can't believe it, Artie. Thank you, man. Yeah, you know, I do no show a lot lately. I like that. We've always talked about there's nothing better in the world than canceling plans. Well, I,

you know, but that's good if the plans don't make you money. You know, canceling a $40,000 gig in Detroit when your old man climbed roofs for a living is a bad no show. I, no, look,

I, I appreciate you guys that really, I mean, for guys like you to really want to guess that it's not a chick, I appreciate it. Come on, you're funny. That's typical Met fan behavior. But congrats. I was saying to you guys, congratulations on all this stuff.

It's going well. We try to – the Howard Stern model is kind of what people have, you know, compared us to. I know that you had, you know, good times with Howard and bad times with Howard. I believe you said he's boring now? Is that how you describe Howard? You know what? In some ways. I mean, unless you find talking about

cats for eight hours exciting. And not the play. And you blame it on PC, on political correctness, right? Well, no, here's my thing with Howard. And I would, you know, he is, you know, I got to preface this by saying, my old man came home one day in the summer of 1982. I was 12 years old.

And he goes, you got to come work with me tomorrow. And he installed the antennas, TV antennas, and we were rolling it. And he goes, you got to come work with me just to listen to this guy in the van on NBC. He's hilarious. And I went with him, and we were like fucking late for job. That's the way I was born. We were late for job. We were laughing at the Stern Show.

I remember going back and going, Howard, I'm going to make millions with this guy one day. And we bombed it on the Howard Stern show, baseball and Stern. And when he fell, he became a quadriplegic. He fell off a roof, and the only thing that made him laugh was Stern. So it was a big deal. Like, getting on that show, I might as well have been a U.S. senator, you know, where I came from. And so I love Howard, and getting on there was a dream.

But what aggravates me is a comedian, and he's a genius, you know, an unbelievable, smart, unbelievable guy as a comedian and he's a genius. Unbelievable. Smart, unbelievable guy as a person too. When I knew him, I haven't talked to him in I think 53 years. He was the one guy as a comic that could have said to all his PC shit,

fuck you. I don't need to change Gary the Retard to Gary the Conqueror. I can say retard. I'll still make $100 million a year. My fans will like me better than the like fucking you know, Brad Pitt. And I don't have to do this. I'll be the one voice of like, kind of what

Hunter S. Thompson was. You know, he was a rebel and when he got to the door where he could be a mainstream guy, he said, fuck you. As a fan, not even a co-worker, I thought Howard was going to be that guy. Instead, he wanted to have a bromance with Orlando Bloom at Jennifer Anderson's wedding. And again, whatever. Howard was always a guy.

You guys are the kind of guys that, like me, the Stern fan is a fan of stuff that Howard's not a fan of. He's not a sports guy or anything like that. And that's what makes it so unique. He's a guy's guy type of thing, and he's not a guy of, you know, he, uh, he's not a sports guy, um, or anything like that. And that's what makes it so unique. He's, he's a guy's guy type of thing. And he's not a guy's guy. Right. It's interesting to put it that way. Yeah.

I mean, he's just so funny. He's just so, he's that funny and that interesting. Um, but, um, if I was still there, I think I would have, uh, you know, tried to be the one guy who sort of said, well, you know, Orlando Bloom, what the fuck are you doing? You know? It's tough. I mean, we try to stay very authentic and keep the edge. I think a couple things happen.

You know, at the end of the day, people are still worried about making money, and it is a job. But I also think that as time goes on, you do lose your edge, lose it in the sense that, like, it's not as cool to be edgy after 10, 20, 50, 30 years of doing it. Eventually, it's like I don't need to ruffle feathers every single time I talk. You know what I mean? Well, that's a great point. And the unique thing about Howard is he would argue, and he's right, he goes, this is him being authentic. He's like, guys, who were you listening to? I watched Friends over the Stanley Cup.

Yes. I told you that. Right, right, right. And still you stayed with me. So him, I'm mad about it, but when you think about it, and this was always great about Howard growing up, he always had the angle that you didn't think he was going to take. And getting to work with the guy,

I realized that he told me the key to radio is have an opinion and do not fucking waver from it. Just have it black or white, whether you agree with it or not. Right an opinion and do not fucking waver from it. Just have it black or white whether you agree with it or not. Just say this and never waver from it. Because the people who agree with you are going to listen. And the people who don't will listen just to hate you. And I stood two feet from the guy

and watched him say crazy shit and I would go like this and he would go yeah. I got to see that. I got to see that front row. So he always comes out on top because he's always kind of right in the sense that I got to see that. I got to see that front row. He always comes out on top because he's always kind of right in the sense that I am being me.

And it is true, but also being you gets beaten down, especially in the social media now. You just got every single day a thousand people being like, you're wrong, you're wrong. You can't say that. And eventually you're just like, fucking A, just shut up. Okay, I will change a little bit

and it's not even like a thing I don't like I don't consciously change like my opinion like I don't say retard anymore and it's like it's not something I was like one day I was like

I'm gonna stop doing this like I don't have I have no objection to it like I didn't just say the R word it's just like not so much in my vocabulary that's your decision

alright that's a good point I hate comics who change just because, you know, Artie's bloated liver in Iowa. That's the real name of a Twitter guy. Artie's bloated liver.

I mean, there's this guy, you know, again, the social media thing with Twitter, in 1988, when I started doing stand-up, you know, there was a guy in the audience who didn't like me, and his blood alcohol level was 19. And I'd see him at a bar after the show, and he kept calling me a fat loser, fuck, unfunny. And back then, I only had to deal with that guy for that night. Right.

Now, he might be real name. At Artie's mom worships Arab dick. It's a game changer, yeah. It's 24-7 now. When I announced my engagement, bad mistake getting sentimental on Twitter. I announced my engagement, ended in a fiery wreck. But when I announced my engagement, the first tweet back was from that guy, and he said, eat a dick fatty.

Very clever. He's one of my head writers now at the end. Some of them are funny, but yeah, it's a whole new world, man. It's an avalanche of opinions. And also just saying things on stage. Like you said, not only do you only have to deal with the people that night, but also you only have to deal with the people in that room ever. Right. It rarely gets out, and then it's like you don't have the media, like people that night, but also you only have to deal with people in that room ever. Right. It rarely gets out.

And then it's like, you don't have the back to you, the media, like people writing articles about it and shit like that. Like we have, it's like, it gets, it gets to a point where you're just like,

okay, you're, you just get beat out. Like, like life in general, the internet eventually kind of beats you down. You can't, you can't be life.

You can't be the internet, man. You know, again, the, the, the nonstop opinions of people who you never would have had to deal with. I mean, fucking, you know, again, the nonstop opinions of people who you never would have had to deal with,

and also the sense that they're usually wrong. Yeah. And that pisses you off. Hey, I've never been wrong on the internet. But it's just the same thing, like, when you're arguing with a wife, a girlfriend, or whatever, and you're like, I know you're fucking wrong,

but I'm just going to shut the fuck up so this ends. But also, you know what? I'm tired of doing this. A great thing, though, about young girls is there's a way to, like, say all the shit you want to say to a girlfriend, and her not getting mad at you is you just make them a fake account, and you follow her. And, wait, did at my girlfriend's a cunt say something else to you? What did they say? Oh, you don't care?

Well, he doesn't care if your sister wore the same shoes to a recital. What? You can be anonymous is the point. These people bash you and they don't fucking come forward. Like, you know everything about me. You know everything about me. That I have a slight weight problem. You know that.

I've dealt in drugs. You know that. I know nothing about me. You know everything about me. That I have a slight weight problem. You know that. I've dealt in drugs. You know that. I know nothing about you. Right. Like, give me one thing. You know, do you have a hangnail, a skin tag? Nothing. That's the best one I have.

All I have is their real picture. You just quote, tweet, dial. You're like, I just fucking beard shithead. Well, yeah, they make them all. If they make a mistake of, like, trying to be funny in their profile, no one's ever funny. Yeah. No one's ever funny to be funny in their profile, no one's ever funny. No one's ever funny in their profile. You're trying to be funny in your profile? You're not.

But that actually leads me to something. I saw one of the reviews of this. It said that it proves that despite all things, what Artie takes the most seriously is comedy. Right. And that's funny to me because I don't think Kevin and I ever really consider ourselves as taking comedy seriously. So how do you go about that? I think what that person meant was that, you know,

at the end of the day, like Chris Rock would hire a guy in the Klan to write jokes for him. And he would get behind, beyond the Klan thing if jokes for him. He would get behind, but beyond the Klan thing, if the guy was funny. Funny trumps all. I need the fucking jokes. And Rock is like that. He's like,

I think he met a guy somewhere. I don't want to misquote him, but the guy might have been the Grand Dragon of Birmingham. Guy was funny. An asshole can be funny. I'm looking at the book here. It's Wanna Bet, but you know God was funny an asshole can be funny I'm looking at

the book here it's Wanna Bet Degenerate's Gambler's Guide to Living on the Edge and when you first open up the jacket is an unbelievable quote

I'm a junkie who abhors boredom and as fucked up as it is that self-knowledge comes with a diluted sense of freedom right

I gotta find out who wrote that I was gonna say no fucking no fucking way, right? That's why I'm like, that is some shit. And while I'm at it, who wrote it? I know how hard you roll. You didn't fucking write that.

While I'm at it, who wrote the book? No, the boredom, that's the key, man. Now you get into the other thing that defines me, I guess, besides comedy, more so now, is being a junkie. And I like using that word because it reminds you that I'm no different than a guy, you know, on the street. Because I need... I was lucky enough to make money when I got into heroin. And so I made a lot of money when I really went off the deep end with heroin.

So I never had to steal shit or do crazy shit to get heroin. I have a joke that I do that I say I've never blown a guy for heroin, then again, but no one's ever asked. You know, boredom is the thing that... That's what makes you relapse.

Your drug problem is related directly to your boredom. Absolutely. You can't just be kind of sitting around, hanging out. You got to chase that high. Yeah, I mean, being on the road on a Saturday when, you know, when you're 24 and you've never been to Buffalo, it's kind of exciting. You're going to go to Buffalo and then. 20 times later when you're 45 years old.

Yeah, yeah. And your girlfriend doesn't want to go to Buffalo. She wants to go to Miami it's Saturday afternoon in Buffalo at 2 o'clock and you know you're chilling time man the opening act was a local guy

looks like a little Keith Richards without the talent and he probably knows where some shit is and you there's always that approach it's hard to make that heroin approach to a stranger, you know, because you still. It's a big approach. It's not like, hey, bud, you got a cigarette out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't need heroin. Right. It's a leap. It's a leap where this guy may say, I'll blow you. Especially, look, the first time I tried heroin snorting it was in a town that I don't want to say the name of the town the name of the city rhymes

with schmosten I was at a club I had like five sold out shows and I was in withdrawals and I was taking at the time 120 per cassette a day 120 10 milligrams. And I needed 20 immediately to get fined, to get on stage.

I got these sold-out shows. These guys don't let you get anything. And the guy from this obscure club kind of outside the city, you know, was a little more loose than a guy, you know, in corporate land. And I told him I need all these Percocet. Can you get them? And he goes, that's bad for your liver. I go, well, thanks, doctor.

He goes, you should try heroin. It's better for your liver. And that's actually the name of a chapter in Too Fat to Fish. And I said, you know, at the time, what the fuck? I'll try it. He got me some powder and I snorted it back at the hotel. I waited. I took perks

before I went on. I want to experiment right before I sold my show. Responsible. Yeah, right. Anti-Bucky Dent people. And I basically got back to the hotel. I'll never forget this. The movie that was on the TV and the clicker was out of my reach was Alex and Emma by Luke Wilson and Kate Hudson. I can picture the cover of that.

It looks like something you'd love. Yeah. This is how good heroin is. I snorted heroin, two lines, and out loud, alone in the room, I said, I'm in trouble. This was 2004, and I'd been chasing it. The last heroin line I did was an hour ago. But I've been chasing it ever since. And that's how an hour ago. But I've been chasing it ever since.

And that's how brutal it was, and that's how good The High was. I never got up to change the movie. By the end, I was actually into it. Like, that's how good it was. I wanted to go to a chat room, and Alex and Emma were like, I was yelling, do not say that to Emma. That's Goldie Hawn's daughter. Yeah.

That's a good name of a book. It'll make you like Alex. I mean, we're laughing about it, but I mean, the last time we ran into each other in Hoboken, I used to live in the shipyard. I was walking my dog. Actually, Duncan almost bit you. I had to yank him away. Hey, look, the heroin approach was the next.

I remember that. I do remember that. And, like, the next, like, maybe a couple days later, you got popped for heroin. Or maybe it was even that. And then, like, not too long after that, you almost died, right? Right. And then I saw you when you got back on your feet. And the response on Twitter was one that i mean like we're

joking we're laughing about it now but like there's a lot of people out there who were like already like please man we don't want to see you go we love you we love your act we love you um i mean are you are you trying to get it under control or something you're just like listen i'm gonna do it until i don't do it anymore. Excellent question. There's a difference now. I've been clean a while now because, and I'm not going to lie, I wish I could say this because I'm a better person and strong, but there's a lot of legal consequences as far as your freedom is concerned that I'm looking at.

Look, to me, a lot of AA people will tell you, or NA people will tell you, it shouldn't be the reason you get clean because of jail or whatever. And who gives a shit what the reason is initially? Absolutely. You know? Right. Yeah. So I got that.

I did two and a half months in L.A. County Jail back in the 90s. I was 28 years old. And, you know, back then I was not that far removed from a blue collar existence. And it wasn't that bad of a L.A. County was not that bad. I did five days as last in Essex County Jail in Newark, and my God, I mean, it was like, you know, L.A. County was like Shangri-La. Especially, I'm 50, I'm diabetic,

I'm used to maybe, you know, first class every once in a while. And, you know, I said, this isn't the turn. The major, I will do anything not to come back here. So there's that. And I'm good now because of that. I wish I could. I hope I can come back in five years and say, you know, I'm still good. Yeah, right.

I mean, listen, one day at a time. It's cliche, but it's kind of true. It's hard. We always, on this show, we always deal with, like, wacky questions, hypotheticals. Would you rather do this? And if ever there's jail on the other side of the question, I take the other fucking thing. What the fuck? I am not trying to do a minute.

Oh, I understand. It makes you feel like, you know, in jail, like, you know, they say unless you join a rival gang, even though you don't care about their agenda, it will keep you from blowing a guy. And if it's between blowing a guy and using the N-word, I'm going to use the N-word. Where's the cross and how do I burn it? And then when I get out of here, I'll go right back to my stance. Survive in advance. Exactly.

It's funny, sports guys, I went to high school with a lot of black kids and Irish kids attacking. We had a rule, if you had a bet on a game, anything went, racially, if you're at your friend's house. There's a black kid behind you. We had arguments. I would tell my buddies, a black kid who was an All-State

basketball player, I said to him, I said, listen, dude, if Warren Moon throws an interception and I lose a mortgage payment, African-American ain't cutting it. And he goes, I'm cool. I'm cool as long as that goes both ways. I'm like, yeah. Call me whatever you want.

I don't give a shit. Let the day go roll. In the book, you say that your favorite bets in life haven't involved money. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That scares me already. What are you betting that didn't have money?

I tell you, I am, well, pussy always. Different things are like almost, you realize that you grow up with a bunch of just assholes because it might just be bragging rights. I was drunk and I bet my buddy, like, I don't know, just that, you know, just basically like

that I would roof his house for free because he had a roof. And that technically involves money, but still it was just... Artie, let me interrupt you. I don't want you roofing my fucking house. That's not a bet I even want to win. Well, this was 88, Artie. I was a little better with the shingles.

So the bet was we were about three miles away from my house. In other words, what I'm saying is it didn't even involve what the bet was. I'm going to do this, and I'm going to show you I can do it. I was drunk. I said, I bet I could drive home in reverse the entire way, three miles. That's three o'clock in the morning. Three miles? No, three miles. It might as well have been

to Hawaii. Because there's cops, who knows. And it's three in the morning and my buddies were behind me, a couple buddies in the car, and I was literally, I drove home, I had a red light looking at the guy in front and back of me. And I mean, the consequences would have been, I'm trying to think, I'm trying to think what the ticket looks like. Because at one point I was speeding.

What the ticket looks like is speeding, reckless driving, in reverse, blood alcohol level of, you know, Lou Gehrig's Lifetime slugging percentage. That would have been like, you like, I don't have enough paper here for the right to take it. So that was a risk. But it really wasn't about the roofing, which never happened to me. I was like, I'm going to do this because I'm an asshole. The tagline here of

a degenerate gambler's guides on living on the edge. I mean, gambling is just recently legalized. Right. I mean, a lot of bookies going out of business. Yeah. I mean, so you're a guy who's been throwing around cash your entire life. You had one line in there that was, I think, was it the 80-something Celtics cost you $15,000?

I remember these guys. And that's a lot when you're making $12,000 a year. Oh, yeah. No, yeah. I used to like gambling back when I had no money. I do a bit of my stand-up act about Jim Gordon was the announcer for the Giants on the radio, and he was basically a drunk.

He made mistakes all the fucking time. And if you had a penalty game on the radio, he would make a mistake, and you know what was going on. It's like when John Sterling doing a Yankee game. He's got money on the line. Jesus Christ, John. Was it a home run or not? You're right.

Sterling might be worse because he's self-righteous about it. This guy at least was like, look, I'm drunk. Yeah, yeah. But he would say shit like this on the radio. Sims drops back

looking for a receiver. He's going way deep, long, long way down for Baker, baby. Touchdown Giants! No, he dropped it! Megan takes the ball to zone 32. He breaks the tackle. He's across midfield 45-40, 35-30. Megan takes Walls on 32. He breaks a tackle.

He's across midfield, 45-40, 35-30. He's got one way to beat the kicker. He's by the kicker. He'll score. No, he stepped out at the five. Damn it, you got mortgage payments on the line. That ain't funny. So this is a true story.

I had $500 in my name, so I put $1,000 on the dime. And if you want to spruce up a break Sunday, but double your net worth on a football game and get some blow and watch it. Here's what he said. This is actually not exaggerated. Giants have the ball, fourth and goal from the one. Tillman the lone setback. Hand it off to Tillman.

Maybe. He's in. Wait. No. I can't see? Maybe. He's in. Wait. No. I can't see it. Now where's from Toyota? He threw it to commercial. I'm not getting Christmas trees. My uncle's trying to be nice to my eight-year-old. He's going, that's great. Fuck you.

Again, that's a good point. When I did have a lot of money, it was more fun. Like, some guys will go to the next level. Like, Norm MacDonald, when he started making

100 grand a week, was about 200 grand a week. Yeah. And I said, I don't know if I can do that, but I tried a couple times. That's degenerate gambling. Do you think that

legalizing it kind of loses, like, are you doing it for the money? Are you doing it for the rush, for the fun? Because I feel like a lot of guys around here,

they like, they like the, the culture of it. You got a Are you doing it for the rush, for the fun? Because I feel like a lot of guys around here, they like the culture of it. You've got a guy, you've got a bookie, it's a mom and pop type of thing. You go to a casino and you fucking print a slip and it's so corporate. Is it a lose, it's a lure, or are you just about the money? That's such a great question.

I don't know, because a real degenerate gambler, a real degenerate will stay until you lose. I opened up to Norm McDonald at the Rio in Vegas one weekend, and we left L.A. We were doing a sitcom at the time, Friday at 3 o'clock. We didn't have a toothbrush. We were in the low light. And the host was late.

They got the show at 8. We got in at 2. And we went right to the craps and poker table. The guy had to come get us five minutes before the show. We were still gambling and at the time we were up 18 grand and I think Norman was up like 40 grand, we go, we do the show which is like, just cutting

into our good time, the show terrible show we had a suite that had a pool in it we went up there for five minutes of smoke and cough and we went back down, and I would go to there's a pool here, let's at least try to get a Dominican wh there for five minutes of smoke and cough. Then we went back down. And I would go to North. There's a pool here. Let's at least try to get a Dominican whore for five seconds.

And so I, she didn't have to be Dominican. But we go back down there. The next night, she had to come get us again. That's the day. Same clothes. Our collars were wrinkled. Same exact clothes. A worse show the night before.

We're down money. I think I made $8,000 or something open for him. Normally like $ the night before. We were down money. I think I made $8,000 or something open for him, normally like $30,000. We both were down at least $50,000 each. As we're going to the car to the plane, the guy says, come back anytime you guys will be great.

We don't care if Kevin James is funny. He cost us money. It's a hard life. I don't know if it's the money. It's a hard life. But I don't know if it's the money. There's so many great jokes about it. Don Gavin, a Boston comedian, has the greatest joke about gambling. He goes, you know, I saw a sign

if you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER. And I called it. I said, listen, I have a gambling problem. The dealer has a 10 and an 8. And the organization, quote, you know, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money. I don't know.

There's a big-time upside on that. Yeah, absolutely. Times are good now with crashing as far as you got money to throw around at the tables and whatnot? I mean, way more money on Howard and Crash. He's like tip money, you know, tip money. I mean, it's like HBO.

I'm the only guy who has a career that brushed up against Judd Apatow, so it doesn't have a lot of money. Almost impossible to get down. I'm the only guy who didn't get a $30 million Old Navy dad deal. Judd has been amazing. It's good money, believe me, but, you know, I'd rather have the days of the Stern Show where you're making a lot of money because a lot of people are listening.

But it's such a great show to have prestige-wise in the business because it's Judd Apatow who is – I always liked Judd. I barely knew him before this. He's just the greatest guy and very talented and so good with comedians. David Tell and I were talking about we looked at the show and we were like we've never been that good at anything Judd knows how to work with comics

Pete Holmes is the greatest to me they knew I was a risk but just the fact that we look so different I call myself Fatso Rizzo Pete is a different kind of comic, but it works because of that and the different looks and attitudes, and Pete's been awesome. So I've basically been to now modern version of a regular on a show. You do six or eight, you know.

Ed Norton would do six of eight nowadays, and that makes you a regular. And I love it because working with John and Pete on HBO and doing stuff that might be – it's probably my best work. I don't know what that says. You had an awesome line in the first season when Pete just left his wife or his wife. He just caught his wife cheating and he's sleeping on your couch and you're like, get some brown liquor, bury it, and be a fucking dick. Dude, I was watching that episode. I got my fucking phone out. I filmed the screen, and I tweeted it out.

I was like, everyone needs to watch Crashing. This is some real shit. Get a brown liquor, a brown girlfriend, and get a hood. Everything that should be white should not. What's wild, and I mean, obviously you film film it And it airs at different times But I believe A crashing was starting to air Right as you were running Into some more problems

But what's wild I mean And You just flip a switch man You go into comedy mode And it's like You're just a funny Fucking guy

You always have been And people always respond to it And you have You have your ups Your downs Your ins Your outs But like When the mics are on

Or you hit the stage You seem to just go into funny mode Do you even think about that or is it just natural? That's a good question I like to say It's that cool process Because you make it sound great But I really do think of the consequences

Now in my life more so than ever. Like, when I was 20, I got on Mad TV, it was kind of my break and making good money and being in the business and network show. I was 27. If you told me, you know, talking about the year, I'd be 50. Like, that was 1995. You talk, 2018

was like a Jetsons episode. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't give a fuck. I didn't want to die, but I would, you know, if someone brought up, you know, that's bad for your liver, I'm like, I don't care. Yeah, yeah. I don't have time to deal with that right now.

Yeah. But now I think about that, and, you know, I'm my mother's only source of income, that fucking bitch. And she can get a little bit of a job. Oh, glaucoma, wow! A lot of women have one eye blind.

She's been a savior to me, my mother and my sister. I hate when people review acts of mine and call me like a misogynist or something because the direct opposite is true. A lot of strong women in my life that are amazing, they usually walk out of my life. But my mother and sister are great people, and I've had some great girlfriends over the years who apparently like getting with a trainer who makes no money over me.

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, Oh, I'm sorry. No, she, I say stuff like, my girlfriend was in the dog, and I said, she said, can we get a dog? And I said, honey, I get grossed out when you shit in my apartment. And the last thing I saw was her packing.

You know, going to the funny one thing is, like, in other words, there's, I've been on crashing now for three years, three and a half years. And, you know, the arrest in Hoboken happened after I shot the pilot. And the pilot, my agent called me up and said, listen, man, the test of the pilot, you did really well in it. You know, you should take this seriously. And I always did good. I only wanted, the audition was two lines and I was playing another guy. I was like a fictional guy.

I went in and got respect for Judd and I like Pete's stuff at HBO. I said, I'll go in and try to do this. But he goes, you should think about really taking this seriously because it could turn into, it was going to be a one-episode thing. The name of the pilot was already lying by the end of the thing. I mean, that's unbelievable. And after all that, I still went to COP and got arrested because I don't know if it's a disease,

but to me it's way better being high than not. It's as simple as that. But now that was like the epiphany thing where I got to... I take it way seriously what could happen, so maybe that's why that was like the epiphany thing where i i gotta i take it way seriously what could happen so maybe that's why that is yeah uh because i mean look i i got a lot of strikes against me and um do you know that you know when you hop on stage at a gig or you the cameras start rolling that you like it all kind of goes away or is it just like you've been doing this forever you have years of material you know how to do comedy.

Right. Almost like a sports thing. You know what I mean? Like the ball tips off and you just forget about all your off the field shit and you just ball. Is the comedy like that or is it more like literal, like, you know, very practical to you? I know how to make jokes. I know I've been telling them for 25, 30 fucking years and I'm going to keep doing it. Yeah.

Again, that's put very well. I don't know. I know that this is the thing in life. I was very lucky in life in the sense that God made me good at one thing. A guy can be a doctor. He can be a designer. There's nothing. There's no other occupation that I can make anywhere near the money I made

than try to be funny. Roofing. Yeah, right. Exactly. Uh, I, I,

um, so, so I, I take that seriously where, uh, I, I, I gotta,

I gotta get in this mode and try to make it happen. And look, it'd be way easier if I was playing, I got the one role where you can't get lost in it. Like the hero goes, I'll get lost. The guy from awakenings. I'm playing Artie Lang.

It's a beautiful thing. A guy with a drug problem. Did you have a moment in your career where you realized, like, I'm fucking good at this. I'm a funny guy. Not yet. Good answer. Good answer. I think the moment when I said, yeah, I'll do barstools.

No, you know, look, you guys are very nice I tell you what I'm 50 years old I lasted long enough to where there are people who talk to me and say I grew up listening to you and they're 61 the thing now

with the girls my father loves you let's get him over here people say you get laid off a young girl will say, my father loves you. I'm like, huh, let's get him over here. People say you get laid a lot for being on the Stern Show. If I was one of the guys who had their own bed around every morning in Jersey City, I'd be like, Martin Beatty. If I was gay, I would fucking crotch it.

My fans wouldn't like me if I was gay. I'd be a double-edged sword. I don't know. The funniest guys, I think think are kind of humble. Self-deprecation. You rarely see a guy... I've never heard David Tell once say he had a good set. Norman Ducone, I'd say, had a typical shitty...

It's like the funniest thing you ever saw. Right. You're always your own worst friend. Yeah, I don't know. Apparently Aziz Ansari thinks he's good. So that's what he's doing. We got a special guest. Scott Disick is going to come join us.

Is that cool? We'll sit down and talk about him. Again, that's what I'm talking about. Your buddy Scott. I mean, it's been... I feel like I've seen that all over Twitter recently. Yeah. Your absolute disdain for Scott Disick and the Kardashians.

You know what it is? I think you said you'd like chop off a body part or some shit. I'd die. Yeah, you'd straight up die rather than be Scott Disick. Let me tell you something. Here's what it is. It's not Disick himself. It's people – like I actually heard a friend of my little cousin.

She's 23 years old, and she's got her friends that say they think she's funny. Like, she's like Kramer on The Signs of a Woman. Like, she's, like, funny on that. Like, and that makes me, I get so mad I have to leave the house. I have to leave the structure. You know, I'm too mad to be in the same room. And, you know, it makes you furious that people are like that. Now, don't you think, though, at some point, if we have

a cross-section, like we were talking earlier to kind of start the show here, that people say Barstool has the Stern model. Right. And so do the Kardashians. They're just like regular people who people have interest in. Right, but I mean the difference is... Right, but the difference is the Stern show is hosted

by a comedic genius and they have Caitlyn Jenner. Right, but the difference is that Stern Show is hosted by a comedic genius and they have Caitlyn Jenner. Right. I mean, I think they... Kris Jenner's an evil genius. She has the genius. I see what you're saying in the sense that the people he has on, but, you know, it really is still

at the end of the day, you're laughing at these people. You know, it's like... I think that's a lot of... A lot of some of the barstools, we're getting... Yeah, but I'm saying you a lot of the barstool a lot of barstools you guys who host the show are not your talented guys there's no talent in that room the talented guys are the camera guys

who catch them being assholes I think they're great marketers smart business people they're smart business women right but Lenny Bruce wasn't smart business people but Right, but Lenny Bruce wasn't. Smart business people, but again, as a comic,

you're talking about the series, that doesn't get my respect if some chick says you're funny, who I want to fuck. All right, man. Well, the book is Wanna Bet? The Degenerate Gambler's Guide to Life on the Edge.

By the way, the end part, like every book now, we treat people like they're so fucking stupid. Every book has to have that long title. What's the title? What's the title? The Great Gatsby. They're not The Great Gatsby, a guy who was on an island.

You know, and I was saying this before to Carolla, it's the same thing with porn. Porn should just be like one thing, like deep throat. Now it's like they've gotten so lazy and so uncreative with the title. It's all stepsistership. That's hot in the streets. It's crazy. There's three things you need for a title of a porno now.

The ethnicity of the women in it, the body part they're concentrating on, and what number of sequel it is literally you're just going to go big fucking Portuguese tits nine it's one of that go get the book you got any shows coming up locally

ones I'm going to show up to I don't know on twitter you can always tell when my stand up agent doesn't call me back ones I'm going to show up to, I don't know, but, yeah, you know, on Twitter, I'm back, you can always tell on my standard page it doesn't call me back because of the rest

if I'm doing gigs with Bob Levy at a Holiday Inn. We're the, yeah, but, yeah, but the money's green

and I love Levy, so Bud Lake, New Jersey is a Holiday Inn, we're doing a gig there in August. Look into August, a bunch of gigs with Levy, they're always,

they're always good. All right, cool. And, you know, thanks for having me on. Absolutely, dude, I'm happy to find good. All right, cool, man. And, you know, thanks for having me on, guys. Absolutely, dude. I'm happy to finally get by.

All right, really nice of you guys to be. Say nice shit and thank you. Keep working, bro. Thank you. Thanks, man. All right, that was Artie Lang. That interview was brought to you by Revtown Jeans. You spend, like, your entire life in jeans.

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right here they're like the dark uh that dark deep blue denim It's not indigo, as I was going to say. No, but yeah, it has like an indigo vibe to it. And they're super soft. They make them so that you can wear them year round, which I'm all about. I'm not a shorts guy. I look like an asshole when I wear shorts in the summer. It just doesn't look right to me. But then I wear jeans, and I'm sweating my balls off at the same time.

This denim is like lightweight and comfortable, so you balls off at the same time. These are, this denim is like lightweight and comfortable so you can wear them all year round and you can get them for 75 bucks, like I said. So go to revtownusa.com. You can find them on all social at Revtown. Get yourself some jeans, wear them all year long. Artie, I mean, I feel like I told you so. Like I told you it was going to be like that. That interview is one of the all timers. The heroin talk is, you know, I find it funny. It was like there was one point we kind of alluded to it where I laughed out loud. You and Artie did not join me.

Now, what point was that when he was talking about the heroin in the hotel room? Yeah. And I didn't laugh, huh? No. I probably wanted to. When he goes, I said out loud to myself, I'm in trouble. Yeah, see, that struck me as probably the takeaway from the interview. That in that moment, it's such a crazy thing to think about. That dude in that moment knew that his life was fucked.

That's crazy. That is wild to think it's like that's never happened to me in anything no i mean that doesn't happen to anybody short of like you know you hit someone with a car and you're like oh i'm fucked like you have some major tragedies happen you know that your life is going a totally different direction now this guy and to think about like some dude out there was like nah man percocet's bad for your liver so do this like not like listen already lying was going down a path no matter what it was probably going to be problematic no matter what and if it wasn't that guy it maybe was going to be someone

else but the thought that you know maybe he could have avoided it or maybe something else would have happened but some guy was like no no no no, no, no, man. The healthy alternative is heroin. The most dangerous thing, like, on the planet. It's a shame because, you know, I mean, you know, he's unfortunate. It wasn't even like I would understand financially. I get that. Well, that's usually what it is. Like, you know, people can't find the designer shit.

So they just go for the cheap street stuff. But now this was like what he thought was a responsible decision I'm just looking out for your best interest do heroin it's nuts and you know he's probably cut a lot of years off his life and who knows

what the career could have been but also at the same time I was glancing at the book before he came in and he's talking about I forget what even show was, but he was on a show with Norm MacDonald. And he said that his role was the fat friend who would say two lines an episode, and then he would cash a check for $35K. Yeah. I mean – He would do like 30 episodes of that.

That's crazy. And then just spend it all on heroin. And again, that is kind of the cheap drugs. You can buy a fucking shit ton of heroin. It's a miracle he's still alive. What's crazy is, and I wish he was, I don't want to be talking about it behind his back. I think I could say right to

his face though, he will one day die from heroin. You think so? Do you think complications or do you think he's going to relapse? I, uh. Because he does. He's in the program now. Right.

I think he said he gets drug tested three times a week. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to even speak it into existence or anything. I could also see already like, you know, he makes it to like,

he's 75 and he's all done. He's like, I'm just going to do what I'm telling you. That's, I mean, talk about our nine lives lives like one of the way i'd want to die is just do my favorite drugs until it's too much the uh i mean it was just an alzheimer's so uh and and and follow him on twitter and like buy his books and and check out the uh his tour dates and stuff because you know when you hear that kind of stuff you realize that he is like a comedy legend that's why i was saying it's almost like a athlete where it's like this dude just gets it

he sees the matrix when it comes to comedy and he can flip a switch no matter what he was just in prison he was just in rehab whatever it may be when he's on the mic it's comedy gold it's easy uh well it's like you envy too it's this is that easy for you right right and it's like i there were parts where I thought he was going to fall out of the chair and it was still wiggling yeah

it's like like Stevie Wonder on the piano yeah everything was the mic I mean I hope the audio wasn't

you know was tolerable for you guys because there was points where he was just like pointing the mic at the ground I said he was he was Caleb Presley with the mic

like pointing it at inanimate objects rather than holding it in front of his mouth you were did you do any heroin this weekend John? He was Caleb Presley with the mic, like pointing at inanimate objects rather than holding it in front of his mouth. You were – did you do any heroin this weekend, John? I didn't do any heroin. In fact, I did no – I was at a bachelor party this weekend and there was zero drugs.

Liar! I swear to God. Boo! Either you're a liar or you're a loser. I swear to God. You didn't do drugs this weekend. It was crazy. It was coming home from – coming home from going to the airport. It was the most comfortable I've felt at an airport

in forever. I know I don't have any weed. I know I don't have any drugs at all. Nothing. I'm fine. I'm allowed to be on this plane. Yeah, go ahead. Look through the bag a little more if you want. Sure. I don't care. It's almost like they're not searching you.

You sure? Sure sure i'll open it up like sir no you're good no for real man check my pockets look at my shoes you want to feel under my balls whatever man they're uh i did almost die it wasn't drugs do tell pray tell well first of all the trip got started i almost died i wanted to die the first trip evergreen comments because it was well i was on i got on a plane i was on a flight and um this guy sitting next to he was canadian and he had you could tell he was from montreal because he had that air about him that he's like better than a canadian like they're like the french canadians yeah yeah yeah or i thought that was quebec

montreal is like the french people oh okay uh the um just like, you're not an American, dude. Relax. Yeah. Who the fuck do you think you are? Right. But anyway, so at some point, and he was kind of just, there was just this asshole vibe to him the entire flight. And towards the end of the flight, he sneezed.

I said, God bless you. And he looked at me, took off his sunglasses. No. Kept looking at me. No. And then just looked away. Oh, man. I saw your tweet about this, and I thought he just didn't acknowledge. No. Kept looking at me. No. And then just looked away. Oh, man. I saw your tweet about this, and I thought, like, he just didn't acknowledge.

No. To acknowledge that you said it and then just purposely not respond? I was like, I hope his fucking plane crashes. I think I genuinely think I would have said something. I was just like, what the fuck? I took my phone and started tweeting right away. I'm a slave to the content game. I think I would have genuinely been like, you know, not a tough guy or anything, but I think I would have said, are you serious?

I really do. I mean that is so rude. It was the most outrageous thing that happened to me on a bachelor party. Well, not quite actually. Okay, we'll get to Saturday in a second. Some things you can't say, but it sounds like we're going to though. Yeah, that was like –'re going to, though. In my head, I wished death upon

there are probably 60 people on the floor. I wished death upon all of us just so he would die. I was willing to lay my life down. That's crazy. Tommy Two sent us the other day. He bumped into someone on the street. He apologized, and then he realized it wasn't really his fault, and he said out loud, you know what? I take that back. uh the dude like confronted him turned around i was like what the

fuck did you just say and you know tommy quickly was like no never mind okay you can still have a thank you or the uh the apology but i think i would have said the same thing uh i hope god unblesses you i hope he didn't bless you i hope he didn't i hope it is the plague yeah right i hope hope it's way worse right I hope. Is that allergies? No, I hope it's worse. That is wildly rude. It was, again, it's perfectly someone from Montreal. Yeah.

But it was probably the most offensive thing that's happened to me in a long time. I think I would have said something. It's the most offensive thing that's happened to me since hockey camp back in the day when kids used to draw swastikas and slide under my door because they thought I was Jewish. That's one of the best

Final Break stories ever. Like I can just see John sitting in his little hockey camp probably jerking off because that's what it seems like hockey camp was

and all of a sudden you just hear like shh and you're just like oh it's another one another fucking I'm not, uh,

I think if I was on the plane with you, I think I would have said something for you. It was only tiny, tiny plan. A lot of people. So just the two of us sitting here. Had I seen that with anybody, if I saw that go down,

it's almost like, uh, I caught a couple minutes of that show. What would you do last night? I was on the phone, so I wasn't really watching, but it's, you know, they had, wasn't really watching. But there's a setup. The waiter had a stutter, and the people at the table were making fun of him for it. And would you step in or say something?

I think I would have stepped in and said something. I would have been like, excuse me, sir, did you hear him? He asked for God, the omnipresent being that has all the power in the world to bless you. Specifically you. You. He asked for all of the good things from the Lord and creator to be given to you. What should you say in return, sir? Fucking A.

We should get the flight manifesto and track this son of a bitch down. I took pictures of him. Good. Let's fucking shame this guy. I took like 15 pictures right away. You want to shame him? Good. Let's fucking shame this guy. I took like 15 pictures right away. You want to shame him? Yeah.

I think we should shame him. I think we should weaponize. I had my phone eyes. Use our powers for evil. I was sneaking it. I was like this. I was getting this full outfit. I was like,

if I ever see this man ever again, I want to know. I just want to put like a, is he fat? Is he skinny? Is he stylish? Is he like,

did he look like a douchebag all around? Or did he look like a, like a piece of trash? Because this guy... You know what? I didn't really get any pictures. You son of a bitch.

I got his... Cockies. Let's see just how bad this picture is. That's his leg. I mean, that is the worst picture I've ever seen. He's fat, though. He's got a moose knuckle there. What a piece of shit.

He wears athletic shorts. Like a real scumbag. Trashola. Anyway, so you start off on the wrong foot. Yeah. And then Friday night, I drunk texted Josina Anderson. And the thing with this is too, though, it was the perfect scenario. Because it couldn't have been a more innocent drunk text.

What did you say? It could have been my dick. It could have been something like innocent drunk text what did you say it could have been my dick it could have been something like that it wasn't anything like that i was trying to take a proposition i was trying to text a different person named anderson okay last name anderson okay and i just texted miss you and then that was it and so certainly not inappropriate but funny and she replied wrong number yeah i don't even know why i have joseph andina Anderson's number. That was my question.

There's no situation I've ever interacted with Josina Anderson. There's no reason for me to have her phone number. I have no idea why I ever called her. So somebody at some point along the line. She also doesn't use an iPhone, by the way. Oh, wow. I got a green bubble bag. Trash.

That's crazy. I mean, I guess. I'm sure it's Josina. Maybe you just labeled it Josina. Why would I ever label it Josina Anderson? I don't know. I'm sure it's Josina. Maybe you just labeled it Josina. Why would I ever label it Josina Anderson? I don't know. I feel like that's more likely than you just having Josina Anderson's number. I actually think the green bubble makes sense because they're always on their Blackberries, those NFL reporters.

True. Why would you have this? So somebody along the lines had her number and you got it from them? I think maybe. I think you'd remember that. No, no, I definitely have never met Josina Anderson. Such a weird. You know what? let's turn this into a little uh a little game i want everybody to text me who tweet us like who is the weirdest number you got in your phone i'm sure there's some people out there that just have a bizarre six degrees of separation somehow some

way you got you got the number in your phone josie and Anderson is up there. I think it might have been maybe back during the Brady days. Someone was like, here's her number. If you want to do a scoop or something. You were probably doing your own investigation. Yeah. It was fucking Brady 4 in it. That's the only thing that makes sense to me. I'm trying to think of anybody I might have on my phone.

There was a period of time when I was like on my grind in like 2009, 10, 11, where I was trying to make Barstool grow, where I was just like networking and trying to connect and like, you know, just like fringe F list celebrities and shit like that. I'm going to have to run through my phone and see if there's anybody out there. That is, I mean, mean i i can't imagine you beat uh josina anderson can you as far as like bizarre no definitely not oh man i'm just looking through all like the the fucking rolodex of smokes the original like local smoke shows god damn

i got one that just says Chinese Alley. That's great. You know what? Let's just let's expand this in general. Tweet us, you know, the weirdest number you might have, but tweet us the best stored name. All your favorite, you know, contacts, the way you listed it. This is going to be a billion different. You know, I actually have I'm pretty good with my believe it or not, I'm pretty good with my phone.

What does that mean? Where I have, I pretty much go first to last name with everybody. Do you? I mean, you're Kevin, Keith's Keith, Dan's Dan. I go first. Most people are. I put the full name in the first name bar. Oh, no, I don't do that. I don't do that.

I don't split up first. Here's, this is my favorite. You saw this over the weekend. Depressed KFC radio, dude. Yeah. I have that guy in there. Shout out to him. He texted me. He got a nice honor bestowed

upon him. Let me pull that up real quick. Give him a shout out. He said he was awarded the most beta guy in some sort of joke voting thing. Things are on the up and up for Depressed KFC Radio, dude. Shout out to him. I'm always available if you want to text. So tweet us your best phone contacts,

and we'll hit you with a retweet if you got anything funny in there. How was the rest of the bachelor party weekend other than Jocena? Came super close to dying. Like really, really close. Continue. So we went to The We went to Beach Club

Sean Paul concert I thought it was I thought it was Pitbull or Sean Paul You went to a Sean Paul concert? Yeah Don't remember him being on stage at all He might not have shown up Now I know that you don't really respect

Sean Paul the way you should We've had this argument before Yeah, we have, that's right And that makes me very upset It's actually one of the the things i choose you know in a relationship in a marriage like in ours you have to just just look past certain things you just have to accept them from what they are i just have to accept the fact that you are an idiot who does not respect shauna paul i don't i mean i don't i don't i

mean look i had a hell of a day i had a hell hell of a day at Sean Paul. I mean, really, really. Also, the guys next to you and the cabana next to us had like a ton of Saturday Night Live stuff. Like, I don't even know who I am. Like, it was, we were out mixing it up. They probably should have seen me. And they just didn't even. Didn't. I took a picture.

No, you know what? No, you know what? They knew. They were just so starstruck and impressed that they were afraid to come up to you. Probably not it. No, let's just go with that. Let's just go with that. But anyway, so we got wasted.

We got quite the tab, a lot of drinks. But we had a big crew. We had 14 people. Uh-huh. So we were taking different. First of all, the beach club is an hour and a half away From Montreal It's a long ass ride to get there So

Was it No continue So we have Took like three different cars And somehow I kind of just got Mixed up Like I got lost

Okay And everyone kind of just thought Oh he's in the other car He's in the other car Right Wasn't in a car You got Kevin McAllister Yeah wasn't in a car Yeah I went looking forAllister'd. Yeah, wasn't in a car.

Yeah. I went looking for, through the parking lots, I was like talking to a girl, so I went like looking for her. Okay. Tripped and fell, cutting through the woods. Just, and said, you know what, this is where I die. This is it. And I just, I went to sleep.

What? You just took a nap in the woods? I was so drunk, I just took a nap in the woods? I was so drunk I just took a nap Woke up, it was dark out We were there for a day party Now I gotta really listen Because I didn't know that's where we were going

So what time are we talking? Dark I don't know What time is it? It was sun What time is it? Moon It was sun. What time is it? Moon.

It was moon time. It was, I don't know, it was a day party. We probably left at 5 to 6. I probably napped from 6 to 8. And then, so my phone wasn't working in Montreal. I could only use it on Wi-Fi. How far from, like, civilization are you in these woods? Far Like a mile?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm not that deep in the woods Right, okay Far from your house or whatever Location is far away Yeah, yeah, yeah The, I flag down a cab, right? He gets in, I say I don't know how the fuck I remembered the address

Yeah, I think that's a thing that happens. I always get to a bachelor party and I like learn the address of the house or whatever it is. Remember my room number if it's a hotel. And I think there's something that goes on in your body and in your brain that's like, this is important. You are going to be in trouble this weekend and you will need to retreat to your safe place. Remember this. And your body responds. 3431. Send me. 34, 31, send any.

I even said it like that, like the person who's Gracias at a Mexican restaurant. Send any. And so I get in the cab, get about halfway back, and I think this cabbie starts getting a little suspicious, thinking, hey, buddy, by the way, you got money? Yeah, you're going to have to pay for this. You know that, right, pal? I said, don't have any money, bud.

So he was nice enough to drop me off at a gas station. Wow. About 40 minutes into the trip now. Just dropped you off at a gas station. I asked the cab. I asked the people working at the Shell or whatever it was. I said, hey, can you call me a cab? Get in this one.

Don't tell them I don't have any money again. No ATM or anything? No, my card wasn't working. It was kind of the thing, too, where you're traveling internationally. What are you doing spending a shitload of money in Montreal when you're just in New York four hours ago? So then I get back to the house, and it was actually like a king's homecoming. Everyone was like, he's alive! I started pumping the music. It was the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me. Everyone was like, he's alive! I started pumping the music.

It was the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me. Everyone was hugging me. He's alive! And then I said, look, I'm having a lot of fun with the celebration, guys. Someone's going to have to give me a credit card because I need to go pay this motherfucker. I've had similar things like that happen. The last bachelor party I was on The groom's brother went missing

And the other groom's brother Who was the best man Was like very nervous He's kind of older And this was the youngest brother And we were all trying to be like This happens This happens at bachelor parties

People disappear And they might come back And we were really trying to calm him down Because he felt like this was like his son And this kid was like dead And we were calming him down but we were all like yo this is not good like john is like the circumstances of ever being like maybe we should like call somebody because this one's bad yeah i know when he came home we we celebrated so hard that the the the best man was like oh you fucking guys you this was way worse than you were you know if you're

celebrating this much you really knew it was a problem than you were. You know, if you're celebrating this much, you really knew it was a problem and you were lying to me. I think they said they were about an hour away from calling the police. Yeah. Because again, it wasn't just, we weren't just at a bar. We were in the middle of nowhere.

I don't know how the fuck I found a cat. I can't believe, yo, like we were, we were in really, I mean, I'm laughing and we're having a great time here and we do adolescent to adolescent all the time.

And we, and the joke slash reality is how different lives we live. But at the end of the day, it's like not that different. And I can remember doing some of the things you did not too long ago. It was only a couple of years ago. I have never, nor will I ever nap in the woods alone because I'm blacked out. I mean, adolescence to adolescence this week is a stark difference. To just trip and fall and then be like, this is good enough. I'm just going to stay here for a little bit.

I'm just going to reboot the drivers here. Just kind of charge up. And had I not had that nap, I probably wouldn't have. That's what saved your life, actually. That was very necessary. You almost died because you didn't nap. Exactly. I do genuinely believe that.

But it was funny, too, because I had a bunch of other buddies on a bachelor party in Montreal, and we just all met up at the airport. Yeah. They got to the airport crazy early because I was just hoping to get on an earlier flight. I didn't. But they were all flying back to Boston, and they kept getting delayed. So they had, I think, a 2 o'clock flight. You got on at the same time?

No, I got on before them. They were still at the airport when I left. Yikes. I think they ended up getting off a 10 o'clock flight. They got there at 11 a.m. I think they got there. I think they had a 10 o'clock flight. You could have just hopped in a car and driven home by then.

I know. In the same amount of time. But the thing is, you go to an airport, you're like, well, I'll have a couple drinks, and then it's- Too late. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the people in the other bachelor party were asking me, like, you're not mad at them?

Like, mad at them? What the fuck would I be mad at them for? Yeah. Look at you. They kind of just stranded you. They didn't strand me at all, man. I was the drunk idiot. It's my fault.

I take responsibility for myself. On a bachelor party, and really just life in general, it's every man for himself. Yeah. You are responsible for your- It had never even crossed my mind until I was asked. I was like, why would I be mad? No. No, you can't be like-

It's not like I go to a bachelor party and I'm like, all right, I got to make sure none of my friends take a nap in the woods. Yeah, yeah. Matt, if that's your prerogative to do something that fucking ridiculous, I ain't- I'm always going to be fine. I am always going to be fine. I am always going to be fine. Famous last words from someone who's going to die like a white person. Well, he was inebriated and took a nap in the woods where there are very well-known for grizzly bears.

No, it wasn't because it was this beach club location in Montreal. I mean, I don't think it's technically in Montreal, but it's so weird because we got off the highway and we're just driving. We're driving through like a suburb and it's just just like little streets and quick lefts and rights and then it's just boom this massive concert venue it was very very i guess it's kind of like gillette in a sense with gillette it was a lot of time in the middle of nowhere you're walking through someone's backyard and then boom you're at a patriots game right um but i guess this is kind of the same thing but yeah i survived i'm all good all good. What the fuck? What the fuck?

What the fuck, man? Fuck you. Look at me. I'm here, baby. I'm at work on Monday morning. I was asleep in the woods in Montreal 30 hours ago. That is just how white people die. That's so unbelievable.

I honestly am not any more positive. I've never been more positive about anything Than the fact I will always be fine I will always make it work Always I love it I love that confidence That whole experience Just reminds me of like

Like Charlie Kelly Would do something like that Like if Charlie Kelly Like left a note It'd be like Bedwoods During moon time Where's John?

Bedwoods during moon time. Where's John? Bedwoods during moon time. He left a note. Don't worry. I mean, I watch TV on my couch. That's what I did. And you know what? It was fucking enjoyable. We were probably napping around the same time, John.

Oh, dude, I'm so excited. Because I've been on it as a fucking run of having to do shit. Yeah, you really have. I'm so excited. You've had self-inflicted shit to do shit and I'm so excited. You've had like self-inflicted shit to do too. Going on vacations. Social outings.

This weekend I am gonna fucking hit Netflix. May I recommend Succession on HBO? That's the new shit I'm watching. Oh it's on HBO? Yeah. Oh okay. Episode 8 was last night so you gotta that's kind of good too because you got enough to binge, but then it's also current. You know what I mean?

So you get to watch a few more new episodes as they come out. If you haven't watched it yet, it's the story – Brian Cox is like a CEO of a big-ass company, and it's about his son's – it's about the whole family and who's going to succeed him when he steps down, or is he going to step down, or is he going to be forced out? It is such an interesting show for two reasons. One, there is not a single likable character in the entire show, yet somehow I like the entirety of it.

I felt that same way with Lost. I always disliked almost all the characters in Lost. I can see that. But you know, like Saeed, he was a badass and he was see that. But you know like Saeed? He was a badass. He was like a good heart. Yeah, Saeed was pretty good. And Sawyer ended up being the fucking man. But I guess in the beginning when he was just a con man,

he was kind of a quote-unquote bad guy. Jack was kind of a sanctimonious asshole. Everyone was a shit, I thought. But this is like... And that's like a testament to I guess like writing. Yeah. Although Lindelof fucked that up later on. You motherfucker.

But like the testament to writing that you can have no one likable in a show, but a show very good. Yeah. Well, I also think that there's a difference. Like whenever we talk about worst characters ever, people like Skylar White. Skylar White. Skylar White was like an awesome character. It was. Well, actually, in the end, I kind of sympathize with her, but for most of it,

I hated her, but she was a great actress. She's a super important character, realistic, like her husband fucking ruined everything. You're rooting for Walter, so you don't like her. She's like, oh, that's the bitch wife. But if you're being an adult about it, you understand everything, you know? Yeah. So like, these are characters that are unlikable, but they serve a purpose and they're important.

and, and you, that is an important, you respect that they're unlikable, you know, like Becca from, uh, home,

uh, Californication. I just hate her. I, I, I, I, not back.

Um, the, the daughter from Homeland that like, she's got to, although Becca plays an important role because like Hank loves her and that's, you know, Not Becca The daughter from Homeland Becca too But Becca plays an important role Because Hank loves her Homeland daughter just fucking sucks You're gonna take her out of the whole goddamn thing

And the show is absolutely fine So these are all characters That are Either cringeworthy Or you wanna fucking punch them But you end up liking the whole show. Kieran Culkin is in it, Macaulay's brother. He plays a ridiculous character.

Brian Cox is the man. Brian Cox is the dad? Yes, he's like the CEO. He's a motherfucker. He is such an asshole on this show. I have some questions. Huh? I have some questions, but I don't want to ask them on air because I feel like it's kind of a spoiler.

Okay. Well, we'll talk about it. Everybody go watch it. Then we can talk about it. There's also this element of like there's this comedic relief that's like so bizarre because it's like a serious show. It's almost like Billions, like finance and cutthroat business and all that shit, family dilemmas. And then there's just a couple guys in it who are like doofuses. Well, Billions has its

comedic relief. We got our boy Dan Soder. He's coming into the episode. Dan Soder will be back at some point like this week or next week he'll be airing. But this is like a very, like they are just doofuses. And it becomes very funny while all being

very serious. So Succession gets the KFC seal of approval if you're looking for a new show to binge. Voicemails time. Finally, let's get to it. Today's voicemails are brought to you by Black Buffalo. Were you dipping this weekend, Johnny? Actually, no. Wow. Yeah?

No? If you were dipping, would you use a little Black Buffalo? I do a little mix and match. I do a little bit of both. Do you? I'm trying to get into the strictly black buffalo. Okay. You know, quitting is a tough process.

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It's nice and juicy. Yeah, nice and juicy. They got the long cut. They do have pouches. They got wintergreen. They got mint. They got straight. And they got peach.

So, you know, you get all that. It's like your normal routine. Just none of the tobacco. So we would love you to just grab that, cut tobacco out of your whole life and go full Black Buffalo. But let's be real. Let's be honest. You mix and match and you can kind of slowly transition

and wean yourself off. And then eventually you'll be a full-blown Black Buffalo man. Go to blackbuffalo.com, use the promo code KFCRADIO, and you get 15% off your next order. You can follow him on all social media, at BlackBuffaloInc. And so once again, you get 15% off when you use the promo code KFCRADIO at blackbuffalo.com. What's up, KFC?

Fight Super Producer BC. First time, long time. And I've got a question for you. So, matched with this girl on Tinder, got her Snapchat, whatever. Starting hitting her up. Obviously just trying to fuck her. The usual.

And so, I sent her one Snapchat with the hard eyes emoji, right? And she responds with the fucking monkey with the hands covering its eyes, right? And so my question is what the fuck does that emoji mean? Like what do girls mean when they use the goddamn monkey with its hands covering its eyes? I asked like four of my closest chick friends and got four different answers. They had no fucking clue what they were talking about. So I'm coming to you guys. What does the monkey with the hands over its eyes mean?

What do girls mean when they use them? You know, it's funny this guy asked this question because our latest hire, Ellie Schnitt, the girl from Chicago who is a Twitter monster, if you're not aware of her, she's on Twitter, at holy underscore Schnitt. She's got 215,000. Now after she made her Barstool announcement, she's up to 230,000 followers. Why didn't she make that? Was it over the weekend?

She went from 250,000. Yeah, 250,000. No, but she announced it over the weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Saturday evening, she tweeted that she's joining Barstool. She's going to blow right past us in Twitter followers. She's going to fucking talk. She might blow by everybody.

She is racking up followers at an alarming rate so she actually uh just tweeted where is it i just lost it fuck um and you know she is 22 so she's like out there uh she's young she's dating and she says people who use this emoji the monkey with the eyes covered in the year of our Lord 2018, make me genuinely viscerally uncomfortable. Get away from me. Lose my number. That that has 700 retweets and 7000 likes. So some people out there are apparently morally opposed to the monkey with the eyes covered.

I don't know what it literally means. Is there see no evil? Yeah, because there's the eyes, the ears, and the mouth. So this one is see no evil. I don't think girls are out here sending the see no evil. No, I think it's an embarrassed monkey. It's an embarrassment. It's passable.

But whether or not the confusion here gets to whether or not you're the one who should be embarrassed or they are. So if she closes her eyes, like, Oh my God, that's so nice. I'm, I'm flattered. Or is it, dude, you really want to send that?

Right. Or, but I also think it can be somewhere in between where it's like, LOL, I can't believe you said that, you know, like, yeah,

you're, you're the one who like maybe said something that's so bad, but it meant in like a playful way. Like, Oh my God, I can't believe, you know, you were that blunt or that,

that ridiculous, but not like in a, I don't want to ever talk to you again way. I don't think like if I got the, that emoji, I can't believe you know you were that blunt or that that ridiculous but not like in a I don't want to ever talk to you again way I don't think like if I got the that emoji I wouldn't be like oh again context matters but in most cases I wouldn't be like oh fuck I screwed up I think I would be yeah yeah I think I would be I think I think if you get that emoji I probably just never talk to you again I mean if you're if you're talking about if you're talking about uh what if you're saying like you're telling an embarrassing story and you're like, oh, yeah. You know, like I was embarrassed. But if I'm talking strictly to the call, if I put myself out there and it's something like I think your cue or something.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get that back. Then you're out. Yeah. You're dead. Yeah.

If I'm telling a story about how I fell asleep in the fucking woods, I get that back. Yeah. I get it i mean if you said like uh i could i could see a scenario where you're sexting maybe you say something that's like a little aggressive and you get that back and it's not necessarily like a death knell it's not like no i don't want to fuck you it's like a bashful playful like oh boy i think i don't think to fuck you. It's like a bashful, playful, like, oh, boy. I think I don't think so. I think I'm going to disagree with you here. I think in that one you send the regular face with the blushing cheeks. If you're just thinking that's a little over the line, but maybe there's still something here.

I think the monkey is not. I'd be interested to see. This kid. but maybe there's still something here. I think the monkey is, is not, dude, I'd be interested to see this, this kid. I mean, clearly people have a very visceral reaction after seeing Ellie's tweet. After hearing your response, I would wonder if we can just, and to be clear,

I don't speak emoji very well. I don't know. Yeah. You're not fluent. You know, you, you have a propensity for Spanish, not,

not emoji. If, if, uh, let's, I guess let's put it out to a vote on, on the KFC radio, Twitter, like just basic, you know, a basic idea. Context matters and all that shit. Not emoji. I guess let's put it out to a vote on the KFC Radio Twitter.

Like, just a basic idea. Context matters and all that shit. But, like, if you get the monkey eyes hiding emoji back, is it bad? Is it, like, is it console? Or is it, like, you can manage this? I think you can manage it unless you get back. You can manage anything. Yeah.

Unless you get back, I hope you fucking die in a fire. You can manage it. You can wiggle your way. Oh, look, I've wiggled my way out of some very bad things. Well, not like wiggle my way out of it. I mean, I've put a position where I'm thinking, oh, this chick hates me. Right. Now I'm in trouble.

And I've won it back. What's interesting here is, you know, it's hard enough to talk to girls and text girls. Texting is very difficult. It's, I mean, I think it's easier in some senses than face-to-face interaction. But I think it's also difficult because you've got to read, you know, you don't know how they're saying it. Were they being sarcastic? Were they laughing when they texted it but it doesn't come across just via your phone? There's a lot to interpret and a lot to read between the lines.

And now you also have to speak little art pictures. Hundreds of them. It's a difficult enough language, the language of love, without having to add in cartoons. Yeah, like English is a hard language. The language of love is a very difficult language. And then we're going to do pictographs as well. God damn hieroglyphics in my fucking sex. I checked checked with the girls i just ran out there and asked franaria and they said it definitely has to do with embarrassment so that's not good it's like

you know you can either be self-deprecating like i'm embarrassed what i just did what i just said but they said it's an awkward scenario but i don't think too many girls are like ready to just text you back like you just did something that's that embarrassed here's what it is i just realized this the monkey is playful enough that if it's truly a bad embarrassing thing i don't think you're playing around i think if you're if you're really like that was very embarrassing for you dude i don't think you're leading him on with a playful monkey i think you almost maybe do the hand, like the face slap emoji, or like the X emoji,

or something that's like, you fucked up, dude. But I think the monkey is playful enough that there's wiggle room, as you said. As long as they're talking, as long as they're responding. As long as they've got a pulse. As long as they're responding to you.

As long as they can breathe. You can get your way out of it. But Ellie thinks, like, shouldn't be used at all. I don't know. I mean, that was like, you know, you spitting her eye or something. It was like you know you spit in her eye or something it's like you fucking cursed out her mother we'll get we'll get ellie on kc radio at

some point she said she wants to come on um so we can talk to uh the most like fucking self-made twitter success of all time and we'll figure out you know if there's one girl to get her opinion on texting and emoji matters and tweeting and whatnot is her. So we'll get Ellie's opinion on the crying, the fucking hear no, see no evil monkey. Hi KFC, hi Superdude producer BC. I love your show, first of all. And second of all, I just was out on a date with this guy and it was going pretty well I didn't think that we had a lot in common but we like he doesn't like going to movies we were walking back to his car so he could drive

me home and I'm walking up these stairs in the parking garage first of all parking garages are super sketchy and I'm walking up in front of him and he slaps my ass as we're walking up the stairs. I turn to him, and I'm like, absolutely not. Unacceptable. And then we get, like, to the platform where the cars are, and he goes, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Literally didn't know what to say about that. I just was shocked that he would pull this move on a first date.

I don't know. What do you guys think? Let me know. Yeah, like entirely too aggressive. I mean, you can't. Like, that's like assault. Like, that's not even that. The best part about when you're dating someone is that you can just, like, grab their butt,

like, randomly. Like, that's the best part of dating is like, hey, you're my girlfriend. I can just, like, touch your butt whenever I want. That's awesome. Better than the sex. It's just like, boop, squeeze, bo're my girlfriend. I can just like touch your butt whenever I want. That's awesome. Better than the sex. It's just like boop, squeeze, boop, slap, and they just don't care. It's wild that like that, you know, doing it to this girl in that parking lot is like assault and horrible. But if it's somebody that you have just like agreed upon that you are dating, it's just a made up thing.

Dating is just a social construct. You can grab my ass. Yeah. You can grab my tits. But you can fuck around with me. That takes. I don't know how many. I honestly don't know how many dates it would take.

Long time. Long time. Well, no, no. It's not really the number. It's like the, you are like in a relationship. Yeah, the emotion. You know, it's almost like you're my girlfriend. Or like you're my, like I think you almost need to be like official publicly.

Because that's the thing. It's like you're doing, like, a public display. Even if you consistently hook up a lot, the, like, the playful, like, ass grab is for, like, yeah, that's your boo. That's your bae, and you publicly are out there. Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, again, and also context matters. Again, as we were saying now. Or location matters, I mean.

The kitchen is one thing. We're doing dishes, or location matters. I mean, the kitchen is one thing. We're doing dishes, right? I walk over and kind of play with your ass. I don't do pinches. I do the drums. Little bongos. Do a little like... Yeah, yeah. But in a...

I'm sure there was a flickering light because that's how all parking lots and stairwells are. Probably a flickering light that's about to go out. You're walking in this cement corridor. You can't be touching asses. I don't even know if you can grab your wife's ass in that situation. That's as creepy and intimidating

of a setting as it gets. It smells like piss in there. This is where sexual assault goes down, so let's avoid all touching. The first date, man. The setting is where like sexual assault goes down. So let's avoid all touching. And the first date, man, I mean, the setting is wrong. The timing is wrong. I probably won't go in for a kiss on the first date.

So you think I'm fucking throwing out ass grabs. Ass slaps. Yo, you spanked a girl on the first date? I'm surprised she even like, it sounded like the date continued long enough for him to say like, sorry. That should have been like. But he didn't say sorry.

I didn't think it was a big deal. To explain himself. That should have been mace in the face, like rape horn, rape whistle, call the police. I'm out of here. This is done. Yeah. So ladies, don't stand for that. Number one feminist podcast out there.

The only guys who are going to slap your ass are guys who have been dated you about six or seven times, okay? What's up, KFC fights? I was on vacation this last weekend. I was at a bar in Chicago, and I saw this guy, and he looked exactly

like K-Marco, like to a T. It was kind of weird because even like his mannerisms were the same anyway i ended up hooking up with him mostly because he looked exactly like k marco um but he the next morning when i left like i don't live in Chicago. I was on vacation. Text me and it's like, can I Venmo you for plan B, like, just to be safe? Yikes. And I just, like, opened it, didn't respond. And now I'm, like, being my evil girl self and thinking how funny it would be to text him in, like, two months or three months and be like, hey,

if you could call me, I have something to talk to you about. Kind of a big deal. You can hear it in her voice. I'm gonna get him. I'm gonna fucking ruin his life. There's layers to this.

The whole Keith thing just doesn't matter in the story at all, the way it's just a little tidbit gives you a little color oh yeah I mean Keith you think this is funny I mean I wouldn't think it's funny if I was the one doing this yeah if I'm the guy in this situation no but as a girl I can see the humor in it yes dude no no

when she's even like I'm just being my evil girl self I know you're being evil self this is this is levels beyond male and female this is just fucked yeah no you're just being evil self this is this is levels beyond male and female this is just fucked yeah no you're right and this is like you know what you know what you do this you're getting pregnant karma's coming back to you real fucking quick well she's just fucking if she was if if if she was using this as like a business transaction where she get money and shit yeah she was saying maybe 500 dollars for an abortion, man, whatever they cost. Like, I don't know.

I'm just guessing. John's like, you know, Venmo me $475 and 96 cents, but I don't know. Yeah. Whatever. How much they cost.

No big deal. Um, the, uh, no, I, I think, I think it's funny.

I think it's, I, I went up for your guys, band of brothers. Watch it one time, man. I would see the humor in this. If I was a girl.

Oh my God. No, there's no, I'm just going to go just gonna go do not bored i'm just gonna fuck with this guy do not listen to john do not do it do not do not do this and then and then guess what i'd probably fall in love with the girl too yeah well that's actually what i was gonna say is like this is this is this is why you like it this is a john move this is like oh you're fucking you're vindictive and crazy and mean and yeah i'd hear all that. And once she told me it was a joke, I'd think, that was fucking funny. That was good. Why don't you come back out of Chicago?

Fucking come in here. Yo, how about even with the move, though? Like, yo, I'll bet you money you like 20 bucks for plan B or however much that costs. Like, you know, like, just be safe. You know, just pop. Okay. Like, you know, just, you know some have a bowl of cereal thanks for last night also uh i actually don't know how much plan b costs i haven't i haven't bought it in a while inflation adjust right yeah it's like hey can you take a little uh that is pre-abortion pills for me a little abortion snack they do just fucking

pull out i don't know know. This is wild. I mean, maybe he did and he's just like paranoid. Jesus Christ, dude. What are you, fucking super sperm? I mean, I'm just saying if you're the type of guy

to text, you know, what about that plan B? You're probably... That works 100% of the time. That's a fact. That's a scientific fact. Zero children for me. That you know of.

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Hey, KFC. Hi, Super Producer DC. So I've been arguing with the skin I'm talking to, and I really need the win on this one. So can you please tell me that I'm right? Because I really do think I am for the first time, like, ever. Long story short, but when we first started hooking up no one knew about it I didn't want anyone to know about it

nobody knew whatever so he would post things on his story of me all the time of like slapping my ass or like he used to put me giving him head on his story like and I didn't really care because like his face wasn't shown and like whatever it's some random girl and no one would ever think i mean he would hook up so no one ever thought it was me and that was fine fast forward like

three months later now people know we hook up and they everyone thinks we're dating or not but point being is a majority of our small town knows that me and him hook up. So yesterday he decides to put a bunch of money like in my underwear as I was like half naked in his bed. I started taking a video of him like slapping my ass with the money on it. What? Whatever. Want to make yourself feel good? I don't know.

Like go for it. Like I'll do whatever you want. Clearly. Manly. I don't know. He is trying to put on his story and i said no and i started bugging out i'm like you've done it so your random friends who i don't really know we're not putting on your story so that this whole fucking town

can see you slapping money on my ass and his argument was that my face wasn't in it how do they know he's not hooking up with other girls? I'm being crazy, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, no, a majority of the town knows or at least respects or thinks that we're hooking up. Like, it's a very big, ominous question. But the thing is being talked about. And I would rather not be the girl who's gotten her ass slapped and speaking money all over it on some random freaking person's story. So now we're in, like, this big old fight about it. And, like, he's an idiot. and he thinks that I'm an idiot and I think that he's an idiot. So please tell me

that he's the idiot in this situation. Because he's like, well, it's your ass, it's not your face. Who's going to know it's you? What if I fuck other people? And I'm like... Wild. You're both the idiot. Yeah, I mean, these are the two biggest idiots I've ever come across. This is the worst couple of them.

You clearly don't even like him. Yo. You don't want anyone to know you fuck? I have never seen a quicker jump from like, I mean, what we were just talking about.

Like, yeah, like he posted on Instagram about me like slapping my butt and then like giving him head. Like, what? Was it Instagram? It has to be Snap, right? Instagram wouldn't let that happen.

Instagram stories? I don't know. She said story. I don't know if she said Snap story or Instagram. I was just assuming Snap because I feel like Instagram just doesn't allow that to. Instagram stories? I don't know. She said story. I don't know if she said Snap story or Instagram. I was just assuming Snap because I feel like Instagram just doesn't allow that to happen. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if you can do it in such a way that it's just kind of implied and you're not actually showing anything.

That is like super aggressive. I don't like this guy. I don't like it. I mean, that's not a cool move. I mean, the fact that, but here's the thing. The fact that like, she's pretty cool about it. I don't even know if I would call that cool. She's just like weirdly like insecure and like, you can do whatever you want to me.

And to me, you know, that, that to me is like, you want to make that guy so happy. Yeah. But also you dislike him. Yeah. It does not sound like she's very impressed with being together with him in any way, shape or form. You don't want the world to know. Yeah. know yeah so yeah like you guys should just fucking go your separate ways right why why you stay with this guy he kind of sounds like a douchebag he sounds a lot like a douchebag if my friend ever sent me a fucking video of him getting his dick sucked what the

fuck was that about man why did you just send me a video i'm randomly flipping through snapchat killing time at work i don't need to see you getting your fucking dick sucked. What is this about? And also to be like, like, oh, yeah, you know, let me, you know, let me just like stuff my money in your underwear and then slap your ass. Like, what are you, fucking Floyd Mayweather? Relax, dude. Like, to me, this just screams of this dude is like, I need to fucking put videos of my girl sucking my dick on the Internet to feel cool. She's like, I need to let him do that.

Like, to feel like, you know like he likes me or some shit. This is all weirdly insecure and unnecessary, and they don't really like each other. Go your separate ways. I guess they must have really good sex. That's the only thing that makes any sense at all. I bet these two fuck. I bet these two throw down. Judging by all this stuff, I bet they throw down.

No, judging by his actions, I would think he does not. Yeah, that's true. I would never have to put fucking money in a girl's thong. No, but I bet they... By the way, the strip club in Montreal. It's hyped up for a reason, right? It's unbelievable. I've actually never been, but

it sounds to me, it's like Hawaii. People go to Hawaii for a fucking reason. Hawaii's awesome. I can imagine that. I only went one time, but it was worth it. And you're not a strip club guy. I'm not. So when you say it, that means something. Yeah, it was something.

As far as these two, now I've done the genuine from the heart type of analysis here. We'll go back a step. This chick sounds like she lets a lot go down. If she wants to draw the line at the money ass slaps because her face is in it or whatever, or her face isn't in it, but she knows what people know now, don't be greedy. Don't be greedy.

This chick lets you do all sorts of shit and film it while they're doing it. And now she's asking you to not, I think you can figure that one out. You found the line in the sand. It's don't treat her like a stripper. And, and, and she's like, and she's like you, even that she's like, you can, but like, don't like fully. I think you need to know, what are they called? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth? Don't really.

I don't ever know what that means. What's a gift horse? I don't know. What is a gift horse, Brendan? It's the Trojan horse. Okay, so you don't. They gave the horse. It doesn't really make sense because if you looked it in the mouth,

you probably would see the soldiers in there. So either I've been using that wrong my whole life, or it doesn't mean what I think it is. I think it's, like, slightly inaccurate. I thought it always like slightly inaccurate. I thought it always meant like, don't rock the buck. If you got a good thing, don't fuck it up. Yeah.

But it, so it doesn't really, that's the way people use it. Yeah. But it technically doesn't make sense because you would have. Actually what it means then is like ignorance is bliss type of thing. Like if you don't want to know, don't look in the, don't look in the horse. It's like, it's like that. So that actually applies more to like snooping. Like don't go looking for what you don't want to find. Don't look at the gift horse and the mouse.

Guess what? It's loaded with fucking soldiers who are going to slaughter you. What I'm saying is if you got a girl who, like, even just lets you, like, film her while she's blowing you and stuff, you don't need to be greedy and take another. Just keep that shit to yourself. Yeah. I mean, listen, you can film it or whatever.

You just don't need to post it onto your social media. That's what I mean. If she's down making sex saves, fine. Keep that shit in a keepsake, bro. It's weird to post that to either your Snap or your Stories or whatever. I guess it's different for people who don't have larger than normal social media followings. Even still.

But even then, your mom accidentally followed you or something like that. Yeah, you got to have no prospects in life. You don't worry about employers. You don't worry about family. You don't worry about, like, your friends who you might be weirded out. Like, I would just say don't do this. It's just so much. So much could be complicated.

Break up with him. He's a loser. That's it. I mean, that's Johnny feminism there. Yeah. You know? Big fucking. Putting on for the girls. Yeah, like, listen. I mean, that's Johnny feminism there. Yeah. You know? Big fucking douchebag. Putting on for the girls.

Yeah, like, listen, I don't know. I'll represent for the guy. Like, hmm, that's tough. It's pretty cool to, like, film you slapping your girl's ass with dollar bills, and I think that that girl should be, like, trying to make you happy with what turns you on. You're not doing very good. No, it's hard. It's a hard one. When you get the opposite side of a debate club, I quit debate club.

Usually I can do it. I don't believe in this, so I quit. Usually I can do it, but that one's tough. Yeah, that one didn't sound good. All right. Big shout out to Artie Lang. Thank you for coming through. Go check out his book, Wanna Bet, and we'll catch you guys tomorrow for another quickie of KC Radio.