KFC Radio - KFCRadio: @LargeBarstool, The Ray Bourque Story, and Life On A Cemetery

Episode Date: August 30, 2018

Large comes by to talk about adjusting to Barstool life and tell the infamous Ray Bourque Story. Also, transgender porn, urinals in your house, Large speaking at a trading convention, and Ebony war stories. Voicemails include: the view from behind, pooping after the shower, having 10 kids, sister gets married on your bday, living in a cemetery.Episode presented by:MGM Go out to MGM Springfield get a few beers and watch a few games for us. Let us know what you think of the place.Seatgeek download the SeatGeek app and enter promo code KFC todayLighstream lightstream.com/kfcMy Bookie mybookie.com promo code: KFCYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I rocked it for 15 years. No, like, there's like a rope? Ah, yeah, that's a herringbone, that's not a rope, that's how much I know. Oh! I used to buy them by the foot. Are we recording?

I used to buy them by the foot in Caesars Bay Bazaar. They used to come out of the school, cut them, put the things on. So even if they got ripped off playing hoops or something. When is this, the 1930s? Yes, it was right after Prohibition. Well, you got large on the program. I'm wearing a fake gold chain that's just sitting here on the desk, probably like a PMT prop or something.

And he's talking about how he used to rock them for real. Yeah. Right after I awkwardly said, can you believe that people rock these ironically? You know what? I quickly jumped to the defense of people because I had a to rock them for real. Yeah. Right after I awkwardly said, can you believe that people rock these ironically? You know what? I quickly jumped to the defense of people because I had a feeling large wasn't it, right? I was like, some people can do it, just not you.

You read the room. I did. I never get hurt. I hurt my feelings. I felt so uncomfortable. I feel so fat and old. Well, that's what you are, fat and old. So that's why we brought you in here.

Today's episode is brought to you by MGM Springfield. You don't want to go all the way out to Vegas. You don't want to make the trek to Foxwoods, Mohegan Sun. MGM Springfield is the way to go. We are a Boston company. This is for the Boston stoolies. I recommend, when I used to do summers in Newport, we used to make a girl stay sober so she could drive us to Foxwoods. Make a girl.

Yeah. Stay sober. We were really encouraging good healthwoods. Make a girl. Stay sober. We were really encouraging good health, really. Yeah, there you were. Just being safe. But she would have to drive us to Foxwoods at like 3 a.m. We'd play. We'd gamble until like 8 a.m. and come back. So I recommend that highly for Boston. So yeah, find

yourself like an indentured servant and make her drive you around and go to MGM Springfield. They got top golf suites. They got a tap sports bar, full arcade, bowling, food. Large, they got the food, baby. That's all about me. And they got a full casino, full floor, poker, blackjack, slots, the whole nine. So the full casino experience comes to Massachusetts, comes to Springfield.

Check it out. MGM Springfield, check it out today. Like I said, Large is on the program. We're really showing our range here on KFC Radio. One week we have the brand new girl, 22-year-old Ellie. And the next week we have 72-year-old Large coming in. She's tiny.

She's a pixie. Honestly, you guys were basically hired or were in the hiring process at the same time and I remember thinking like, I'm hiring a fucking pixie and an ogre. It's crazy. It's a bad Shrek movie. She seems like a sweetheart of a girl.

Like, I wasn't in yesterday, and that was her first day on the desk. I went over and introduced myself today, and she was taking her back. Like, she thought I had her security pass or something like that. She thought I worked the front door. No, I'll be sitting next to you. It's uncomfortable. It's almost like standing over Ellie is kind of standing over an insect.

You feel bad. I can crush you. You understand the power I have. Right. But that's kind of probably what it's like for you normally. Yeah, so that's how it is with me and you, actually, because you're a butterfly. I'm writing a blog. I think I'm putting it out

on Friday. I just happen to be writing a blog about rock and roll pedophiles just for no reason at all. And as I'm talking about these rock stars who are with these wispy 14-year-old girls and some big names that I'm probably going to take off my iTunes account, this girl comes walking in. And she sits down next to me. And I'm like, oh, I want to whisk her off to Europe and cut an album or something. What an odd couple out with me. down next to me and I'm like, oh, you know, like I want to whisk her off to Europe and cut an album or something. Right? But she seems like she's going to get the ground running with this whole Twitter

and bullshit. Her Twitter thing is a monster. She's a quintessential like that generation. I mean, she was born with a fucking phone

in her hands probably and she just gets it. Right. But you guys really are coming from the opposite end of the spectrum. Like you were kind of one of the,

at the forefront of all this. Take a report, not as much the social media and video game. Take a report aspect when you said you were on the desk. I say that all the time, too. I'm like, yeah, I'm with this new firm. And they're like, it's not a firm. It's barely a company. Just this random shit show.

I find myself not missing my old job at all, but I find myself missing toilets like that work or that have, you know, multiple toilets, multiple toilets and stuff. So those little things that I'm grasping onto. But otherwise, I got to be honest, I've been here now two and a half months and people are reaching out to me like like I'm Andy at the end of Shawshshank like i'm on the beach yeah man you know fixing the boat while everyone else is still stuck in there you know making bids and offers so it's been pretty positive so far the toilet thing i'll tell you what you came if you think this toilet situation is bad you should have seen it in milton back in milton it would just break and it would stay broken they were like a two-family house almost it was not like it was It was a repurposed dentist office. Yeah.

I'm not overly confident, but the Hotel James is about two blocks away, and the people there think I have the suite. They think I'm a baller, because I use that all the time, because downstairs it's private rooms. You're still doing that? I mean, you do that like week one.

We're on like two months now. Just because I like to take my time, and it's a private room, so I can take off, hang all my stuff, because I'm- Oh, you're one of those guys. You're a naked shit. Yeah, I take off my wedding ring. Nah.

Yeah, just because I don't want to think about somebody I love, and I'm doing it. So yeah, so I walk over there, and I'm always on the phone. I'm very busy. You know, like I'm cutting a deal. Then I go, and I get a, you know, they have the free water there with the slices of lemon in it, and I sit down for a little while, then I move down. It's a big fucking production for me. Literally, it's a big production.

See, I can't do something like that, because every time I have to go to the bathroom, it's an emergency. Okay. I sit at my desk. Something is so wrong with you. Until it's... Until you're ready to pop.

Like, until it's the 11th hour. I am right there until... I'll even get up sometimes and go to the bathroom, and I'll get distracted on the way, and I'll forget I ever got up to go to the bathroom, so I'll just go back to my desk without having Yeah, but you know what the problem is here is when you really wait, like, the 11th hour and 59 minutes, and then there's a fucking line, you're in trouble. Yeah.

Yeah, well, that's when I go. I'll go downstairs is the first I'll travel, because I won't be able to. I won't make it to the hotel, James. I won't have that experience of, like, casually sipping a lemon water. Right. You'll be doing the clenched cheeks where you walk really fast. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I have more experience, but even now with this girl Ellie, that makes me even less inclined because there's only four people I don't want to see when I come out. It's Liz, Ria, Fran, Erica, and now Ellie. And a couple of the other girls who kind of come and go. The worst thing for me would be to walk out after

I did something ungodly. That happened, I think it was YP and Erica? Somebody walked out. Chaps and Liz. I remember that. That, ungodly. That happened, I think it was YP and Erica. Somebody walked out. Chaps and Liz. I remember that. Chaps and Liz. It was Chaps and Liz. Yeah, yeah.

I'm just throwing out names here. Yeah, that was like, oh no. Oh no. I'm sorry. You have to apologize to her. And I don't know where Ellie is at, but we're not friends.

So if she did tweet it, I wouldn't be, you know, insulted. I'd be kind of impressed, but then everyone would know, you know, like I'm the big disgusted guy.

I mean, you take shits the size of ellie i do yeah god help her uh but i i can imagine uh your your friends co-workers colleagues enemies whatever being like very jealous yeah i you know they asked me to do this Dallas Traders Convention again. I'm doing it next week. I'm going down to the Four Seasons at Las Colinas. It's a beautiful place. And they had a keynote speaker all set up. They had these keynote speakers in place for months. And the guy who runs the trading convention had reached out to me two weeks ago.

He said, I didn't even know, but I'm hearing all this stuff. I'm all caught up on you. It's great. You want to do the convention? I said, sure, but I don't want to do like a secondary role he's like no we'll ditch the keynote speaker so he's this guy who is um you know one of those guys that gives life advice and all that stuff be your own guy so they ditched him like the day that i signed on the next day like there's a big picture of me large is back it is that terrible picture they took downstairs do you guys do the headshots? Yeah.

I don't look at them. I don't second anybody there. I look like I can't be 50 yards from a school. And they took that. I look like a thumb with glasses. I don't know why they forced us to do that. They had to come and drag me down. You have to do your headshot.

What the fuck do I need a headshot for? I don't need a headshot company. And a guy asked me to have a headshot. I said, yeah, I'm going to have a guy sunshine. They're like, what happened to you, Large? I'm like, I don't know. Some guy sunshine took pictures of me, so I sent it over. So now I'm going in to do it, and all these guys from Wall Street are coming.

There was like 50 guys at the dinner the day before they signed me. It's now close to 250, so it's going to be a full event. Look at this guy, Large moves the fucking needle. But I think, to your point, it's all these guys that are stuck in Shawshank who just want to hear the perspective of the guy who made it out. Tell me your story. And I could have been Andy, you know, fixing his boat, but I could have easily just been Red who hung himself from the rafters. And this isn't like a weird thing. It worked out.

Yeah, everyone saw Shawshank, right? You're like 18. All right, you good? Yeah, so the old guy kills himself. I didn't want to be that guy. Spoiler. All right, I wanted to be the guy on the beach. So, yeah, so it should be pretty positive.

I think I'm going to go over there and just talk for an hour about this shit. Are you just going to wing it? You're not going to write something about it? You know, I haven't done a trading convention since I did one in 2008, and my wife had found a phone recording of it, and I listened to it. I was like, oh, shit, I'll just redo that. But, you know, so many things have changed since then like there'll be some intro stuff so i do have to write it out because they have to approve it because they're afraid you know and i and i had

to step you know stick kind of to the script they sent a small italian man here last week to talk to me about you know my uh my speech and i said well what can i say what can i say he's like uh well we'd rather you didn't say the n-word i'm like which n-word like I made him say all like it's like the c-word I'm like Chinese he's like no I'm like say it so I'm putting him to the ringer but I'm not there to embarrass myself either like I think if I just do this we'll have a pretty good time compared to you know somebody talking about levels oh yeah you know and they have an interesting thing that like the rest of the guys from the industry that I have there, they have a cannabis analyst, which everyone wants to talk about pot stocks.

They have a gaming analyst. Everyone wants to talk about gambling and stuff. And then they have me. So it's kind of like an alternative type thing. Yeah, definitely. You should have Keith run through your speech. The large Keith dynamic is the funniest relationship in Barstow right now. It's like large wants to write shit and say whatever.

Keith is trying to wrangle him in. Right. And I hit him. And I do a lot of early morning stuff. Keith is trying to wrangle him in. Right. And I hit him. And I do a lot of early morning stuff. Like, I like to get that person out at 8. So he wakes up and it's like, oh, there's an N-word. Right. And I try to – I don't want to be disrespectful to Keith because I really don't know the guy too well.

But, you know, do I hit him at 5 a.m.? I'd be like, Keith, I'm on my way in. How does this look? And so he resents that. So I try to get stuff a couple of days in advance and back it up. You'll have to, like, get him a get him a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue or something. Is that his thing? He loves that kind of shit.

Big whiskey guy. Not a Johnny. He's a rye guy, actually. Oh, is he? I get him like a Pappy. Oh, buddy. You do that? You can say whatever you want.

Yeah. I mean, I'm talking to conferences, mine, Pappy. What's next? Large is rich. You're rich, right? Oh, yeah, very much. I heard you on breakfast the other day. You're rubbing elbows with Phil Mickelson.

You see these famous people at Whole Foods. You're rich, Lars. Right, so I ran out of money last May. Nobody can do anything this stupid. Right, no. Well, apparently they can. One person can. So I did.

I ran out of money last May, and now I'm like seeds and stems. But we're trying to kind of pull it together. So I signed a year contract here. I'm three months into it. I'm thinking about renegotiating. So anytime you guys can get me on, I'm padding the fucking resume. We're okay. Like, I have three kids.

This is the first year I'm going to have one kid in high school, one kid in middle school, and one kid in grammar school, which means nothing to you guys. But it's a pain in the ass. And I'm very close to having two kids in college. Like, that whole thing where you hear about people who string themselves up in a fucking closet. I don't know. I'm having a lot of fun. I think that it might have extended my life expectancy

a little bit. I've had a lot less blood in my stool. The other side of the thing is I need some stocks to go up for me to stay afloat. The other side of the thing has to be your wife going, you're going to do fucking what? Yeah. She's come out to a couple of events. She seems to be the most rider diet ever.

Of all the barstool significant others and girlfriends, Mrs. Large. She tears it up. Yeah, she shows up to everything. She doesn't mind. And I've always been that way at Wall Street events. I've always brought my wife to shit. Unless, obviously, she's not invited, I wouldn't bring her. But if it's welcoming, because she came from the industry.

I met her on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. She's a tough bitch. She was a broker. I was a clerk on the New York, so I wasn't able to go across the blue line. So she used to hold that over my head. This is another romantic comedy. We're going to make the movie. Yeah.

And then I was laid off for a year, and she was a big-time broker. I sat down. I learned how to cook. I got in kind of good shape. It was the best year of my life. We didn't she was a big-time broker. I sat down. I learned how to cook. I got in kind of good shape. It was the best year of my life. We didn't have kids at the time and stuff. I think about that with one of those side type things.

People tell me, oh, do you have a problem being Pete Davidson? Whatever. Problem. I mean, the only problem I have with my wife is that she lied to me because she told me she was a little wealthier before I married her, and she doesn't have much. So that's my only regret. Otherwise, I love her. I'm going to stay with her forever, I think. So I bring her, and everyone has been very – I married her, and she doesn't have much. So that's my only regret. Otherwise, I love her. I'm going to stay with her forever, I think. So I bring her, and everyone has been very –

I told her, I was like, don't fucking talk to anybody. Don't make eye contact. Don't be on camera because they're going to rip you apart. Like, let's say you have a birthmark or something. And instead, she shows up at Pup Punk, and everyone embraced her. But you thought we were going to rip her apart? No, I did. I thought Keith Marko would be like, hmm.

You know what I mean? Something like that. We won't. But you are absolutely correct. Don rip her apart? No, I did. I thought Keith Marko would be like, hmm. You know what I mean? Something like that. We won't. But you are absolutely correct. Don't be on camera. Yes. Because they will. But you know what I mean?

I think I've made friends, you know, a lot more friends in the past month or so, but I'm a pretty quiet guy, especially in these confines. So the time that I went to Pup Punk with my wife was probably the first time that I talked to a lot of the younger people here. And I didn't know. I feel old coming into this office. Imagine how I feel going to a rock show at Irving Plaza. So I went in there and I'd like to go to one in Boston, I think, because I play very well up there with some of the old guys I did business with. Did I just say I play very well in Boston?

Trading convention. So I was thinking about doing that. And plus, I like the show. I don't know if it's a good show. It's a good time. It's fun. It's this Friday,. And plus, I like this show. I thought it was a good show. It's a good time. It's fun. It's this Friday, right? No, it's in October. It's September 20th, I think. Oh, I have a different wedding. I knew I had a wedding that weekend.

Oh, Robin Raddy's in October. Yeah, it's over 5th. I'm going to fight Ebony. I mean, that's the only fair fight. Ebony versus Ebony. I'm still betting on Ebony, bro. Oh, wow. Put no house on it That's how bad it is Ebony will come up to me

Randomly during the office Where she just like She'll just say things And I'm like you are You're a mad woman Yeah she's crazy We'll just be in an elevator I'm like hey Ebony

It's pretty hot today She's making an elevator conversation She's like I know I was sweating last night When I beat the fuck out of some bitch I was like what Today she just goes She points in between

Her index finger and her thumb. She goes, ah, I tased last night. I was like, by who? And she's like, I don't know,

it was lit. That's how you know it's lit when you wake up and your hand is numb and you know you got tased but you don't know how. She beat up a guy in a chicken joint

because he was being rowdy and she was with her sister who's a corrections officer. I don't think I'm speaking out of class. I like Ebony and we speak a lot and it helps my image.

You know what I mean? Sometimes, it helps my image. So this guy had gotten, had some beef so he had to lose teeth. So she started punching the guy, tased her. So that's that starburst from the tease. And then it crippled her arm. She had to run away with one crippled arm and stuff. She's like, what did you do?

I was like, I had a light niçoise salad. I watched a Breaking Bad rerun. That was a crazy night. Stayed up past 11. I'd like to see Ebony and Ellie fucking hang out. Imagine that. That would be something. Welcome to the jungle. Ellie's like a tiny, obviously

Jewish girl from Chicago. I don't think one night with Ebony, she'd be like, I quit. I'm out of here. Either that or she breaks bad And Ellie comes in Like I murdered a man Last night We did meth

And I killed somebody Single tear drop Maybe spider web In her fucking hairline One of the reasons We wanted to have Large on here He did Barstool Radio

With us I guess that was Probably like I don't know Six months or a year ago I don't know You came in a while ago To do that

Yeah right around Like February maybe. Okay. And this was before you were hired. It was more just a guest to come on. And we did a little storytelling because Large has a – I mean, you've got a boatload of stories. But one particular story that the people need to hear. So it's Storytime with Large.

It's brought to you by SeatGeek. Are they selling tickets to the convention? Because I feel like people would go. I feel like if you open it up to the stoolies, I feel like people would pay to go down and see you. You know, I think a lot of people who sign on are stoolies, but stoolies are in the industry. Because I think you have to have a company. I don't think you can just kind of show up and face paint. If SeatGeek put largest Dallas Traders Convention tickets on the secondary market, I mean, buy, buy, buy.

Yeah, why not? Big, large, size, okay? SeatGeek is the best place, the smartest, the easiest place to buy and sell tickets to every type of live event. Your favorite musician on tour. If you're looking for the perfect gift to give to somebody who wants to go to see a favorite band, your sporting event, whatever it may be, any live entertainment, SeatGeek is the way to go because it has all the tickets available with full transparency.

So you know you're going to get the best, lowest price, and it's fully guaranteed. No fraudulent tickets, so you won't be the asshole standing outside with a fake ticket and can't get in the building. Download the free SeatGeek app, go to settings, click add a promo code, enter KFC, and you'll get $10 off your first purchase. That's SeatGeek, promo code KFC, $10 off your purchase. So when you sat down with us in the radio room, I don't even know how you wedged it in, but you did.

You knew what you were doing. I think you gave them the lead in. I think you said one of your favorite stories is the... Yeah, well, it's something, I mean, I remember as soon as I said like, Lars is going to be in studio with us, people were like, he's got to tell the right Borg story. He's got to tell the right Borg story. I'll tell you all the stories. It seems like the younger generation, which is very – like I should really work in like a rocking chair because I say stuff like the younger generation.

But it seems like they're interested. You're going to die soon. You're old. Yeah. I'm on fucking borrowed time. But it seems like they're interested in Wall Street, like old school Wall Street, like before it got so automated and so Asian. Not Asian, but you know what I'm saying. And so like they pay attention to stories that I put out there.

And even if they're not overly interesting, I think they just like the idea of it. You know, like it wasn't folklore. It's like a legend. Yeah. Like terrible suits and, you know, zipper head haircuts and gold chains and stuff. So they they get drawn to it. So I'm trying to do a Wall Street Wednesday every week. I don't know how much I'm going to be able to remember going forward.

And then the Ray Bork one I'll put out one of these days, but I was going to wait till I spoke about it on here with you. That's probably the best segue to go into the story, right? Yeah. So it was the winter of 2007. I think it was. It was probably 2007. And so we were doing a big customer dinner up in Boston.

We'd go up to Boston quarterly and we'd wind and dine the same five accounts. All the big van customer dinner up in Boston. We'd go up to Boston quarterly, and we'd wind and dine in the same five accounts. All the big Vanellas were up in Boston. It's changed a little bit, but that's where all the money was to be made. Yeah, the big Vanellas, John. Yeah. I don't know what the hell that means. Oh, Fidelity. Like Fidelity, Wellington, like as opposed to a hedge fund.

So hedge funds are hedge funds, and then Vanellas are big institutional accounts. And most of them were in branches, like San Fran has like Capri. And Boston is lucky enough to have a couple of big names like Putnam, Wellington, Fidelity, shit like that. So we'd go up there to wine and dine them. And I shouldn't say the firm that we were out with. We were out with some guys from Wellington. And the guys from Citigroup were with me. And that's who I worked for at the time.

We'd gotten a reservation at a place called Tresca in the north end of Boston, which is Boston's Little Italy. And it's actually nice in Little Italy here, because Little Italy is condensed, but Boston's is legit. Yeah, the Little Italy in Boston is. The north end is awesome. It really is nice. And Bork, I think Bork still does Tesca commercials.

Oh, does he really? I think so, yeah. I could be wrong on that one. The gentleman that I worked with had a brother-in-law who was Bork's golf pro down in Florida, like Palm Springs or something. That sounds like it makes sense. And so he had petitioned. His brother-in-law said, hey, can Ray get me a good table for very good clients during the holiday season, which is Thursday night in a place like North End or one of the good steakhouses in New York during the holiday season is always packed with financial people trying to get in that last holiday dinner with their good accounts. So Ray said, yeah, I'll take care of it. Come on up.

We'll have a great table. So it was probably about seven or eight of us. We're sitting around. We get in there and tell the maitre d'. And the maitre d' says, oh, Mr. Bork is really looking forward to having you guys at the restaurant. He's hosting our Christmas party right now for all the managers. But Ray is going to stop by your table. Everyone was thrilled about it.

I didn't know who Ray Bork was because growing up in Brooklyn, I didn't know anything about hockey. I wasn't a big hockey fan. It didn't play well there. And I certainly didn't know anything about Boston hockey. But I kind of knew passing who Ray Bork was. So we get up there. We have a wonderful meal. Really was a nice thing.

And big, huge spread egg, Ray Field Chow. It starts to get towards the end of the meal, and I'm bombed. I'm easily seven or eight drinks in. Everyone else is bombed. And then Ray comes to the table, and he's holding like not a Magnum, but like one of those double bottles, like a Jeroboam or something, of red with a fucking snifter. And he's bombed. he's stumble bombed and

he comes over to the table and everyone is stunned because the dudes from boston love the guy so much it would be like messier coming to the table for all intents purposes and um he comes in he sits down everyone starts asking him right away all these questions and the conversation goes back to the golf pro that we we knew in common and so everyone's like, Ray, I bet you, you know, you're just huge off the tee and stuff like that. And he was saying, yeah, you know, when I get behind, I have a center of gravity. I said, oh, but I bet you shit around the greens. And I just said it as simple as that. And I thought it was funny.

He jumped up and he put me in a headlock right away. He put me in a headlock and I'm 6'5". I'm 280 now. But back then I was closer to 320. I was a bigger dude. It was like an offensive alignment. Except I couldn't bench press. He has me in his headlock and it hurts

a little bit, so I just kind of waited out because you can't move a guy like that. Even though he wasn't a fighter, it was like trying to move a brick wall. So he lets me go after a while and everyone looks and it's very uncomfortable. I'm flustered, so I said, shit, I'm not going to do that again. So he goes through go after a while and everyone looks and it's very uncomfortable and I'm, you know, I'm flustered. So I said, shit, I'm not going to do that again. So he goes through the rest of the story and he starts telling how he just like sits back down.

It's like, all right, that was weird. It's back down. Like nothing's happened. So everyone looks at me and I look at everyone like I'm like, hey, right. And they're all like, yeah. And I'm like, all right. So then, you know, I go back. I have my glass of wine.

He sits down like it was a hiccup. And I realized that athletes kind of play that kind of stuff. Locker room. Yeah. So he goes on throughout the whole thing. And apparently he left the Bruins to go to the Avalanche. The Avalanche made like a super team. And that super team won a Stanley Cup. And he never won a Stanley Cup. It was

many years in Boston. So he was saying... He traded it to the Avalanche. Oh, he traded it to the Avalanche. Yeah. Boston did it as like a you deserve a better team. You need a cup. Right. And so they did that basically for him. And he was extremely thankful.

So he's like – and then you know what happened when I won the cup? I said, I don't know what happened. He's like, they threw me a duck boat parade. I left this place. It made it like he left. And the people of Boston loved me so much. So when I got back, they threw me. And you know what that means to me?

It means the world to me. Like he starts saying he's actually getting welled up. And then I said, I bet you give it all up, though, for a semblance of a short game. And he jumps up again. He throws me in a headlock. But this time he wrenches me a little bit like he's mad. And so he pops my jaw and he rips my ear. So I'm bleeding and my jaw starts to swell I start to cry a little bit because you naturally cry whenever

you get hit around the face and neck you have a broken fucking jaw and a ripped ear so I stand up and then I push him off you know as best as I can and then I jump on top of him so I jump on top of him and I have him like this and he flicks me off and you know

I grab a steak knife I grab a fucking steak knife I tuck it in and I flicks me off and you know I grab a steak knife I grab a fucking steak knife I tuck it in and I'm ready to go like you know it's all Brooklyn boy it's prison rules

and so he starts laughing and I start laughing but I'm still crying and everyone's like what the fuck's going on and this was before in the middle of the restaurant yeah it would have been TMZ

there was a guy there who took pictures with the the click zip zip zip you know so I don't even know who those are

and he starts so I start't even know who those are. And he starts, so I start laughing and he sits down and I'm like, I'm not saying a thing anymore. Like everyone's very uncomfortable and throughout the whole thing he gets even more belligerent.

He's like, you know what it means to me? You know what it means to me? I'm like, I don't know what it means to you. I won't even make eye contact. He takes down his pants. I'm like, oh my God,

he's going to make me blow him in front of everybody. Like, and there's nothing I can do. But he has a Stanley cup on his thigh somewhere. Or even, I think I told you, Like, there's nothing I can do. But he has a Stanley Cup on his thigh somewhere. Or even, I think I told you, I think it's closer to his knee. Like, he should have showed us by pulling up. Oh, but he went down.

But he went down. Like, he showed us the whole fucking package. And so then, you know, so I go home and I type it up furiously. I go back to the hotel. And I go back to the office the next day. I get the vomit comment out at, like, 530 back to New York. I furiously type the whole thing out. I put it out.

It's the longest piece of content I had on Take Report, which was the website I did at the time. And you just got this torn ear, busted jaw. Torn ear, busted jaw, and a hurt ego. And I typed it just like I tell it because that's how it went down. And the next day, we get lit up with comments. Everybody in Boston knows that Ray Bork is a drunken belligerent guy. And they're all like, oh, same thing happened to me.

And he got like busted for drunk driving twice. But before that happened, everyone's like, oh, I had to swerve out of the way of him. Like apparently he's this historic drunk. So I didn't think anything of it, but I liked the accolades and whatnot. And we get a call midday, my buddy, whose brother-in-law was his golf bro. And it's called from Ray Bork's agent.

We're on a huge trading desk. It's 400 people on the desk and 380 of them are taking report fans. And so they say at large, Ray Bork's agent on one. So I said, okay. So everyone's on the phone. I said, Hey, how's it going? He's like, listen, we do a, uh, a sweep, an internet suite of Ray, uh, of Ray Bork's name. And we saw this little diddy came up just so you know, he does a lot of charity work. He does a lot of stuff. This hurts his reputation. What I said, I totally understand that. Um, what are you asking me? He says, can you please take it down? I said, okay. If you ask me nicely, he said, please. I said, I'll have it down in a couple hours. And so I did.

I went to the admin. I had him take it down. Admin. Yeah, so the admin took it down. And then a couple hours later, large, Ray Bork on line two. Everybody gets on. And he says, hey, I just wanted to talk to you about last night. He's fucking Ray Bork.

And so I'm sitting there at Citigroup. I'm like, hey, Ray. He's like, I wanted to, you know, things got out of hand. I'm like, things didn't get out of hand, right? I mean, you molested me a little bit. At the least, you molested me. At the most, you assaulted me. I was like, so I'm not going to apologize, but I took it down just to be a gentleman.

He says, and I appreciate that. Next time you're in town, I'd like to treat you and your lovely wife. He didn't even know I was married, but you and your lovely wife to a meal at Tresca. I said, Ray, the last time I went to Tresca is the last time I'll be at Tresca. Give me a second. I'm all set on that. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, go fuck yourself. Take a report. I hung be at Tresca. Give me a second. I'm all set on that. And, you know, go fuck yourself, take a report.

I hung up in the whole desk. Ah! You know what I mean? Like, guys, deal. So that was my run-in with Ray Bork. And then, so now, if you were to see the Take a Report archives, and I've only taken down three articles in my whole career, it was like a picture of the fabulous Moolah, black and white, like wrestling another woman.

It said, went to Tresca, had a wonderful veal chop, take a report. So yeah, it's a real book story. The scenery of the whole trading floor watching you. Yeah. I take a report, click, and the place goes wild. It's like, that's like a sports moment. That's like, I mean, that's your walk-off. And I don't think anyone's ever worked

in an office where that happens. Like trading desks have no walls. Like, I've never worked. I've been 25 years. I was a managing director. But I've never had an office. Like, you know, I've never had a lunch break. I've never had an office.

Like, that's 25 years, like, blowing my way to the middle of an industry. I've never had a lunch break, and I've never had an office because it's an open floor because you're constantly, you sold them, you bought these, you know, that whole bullshit. So you did have phones in common. So I've had so many like prank calls that I've done, you know, where like 30 people are on where I convince a kid to take steroids because he was trying out for American and Gladiators and stuff. Like it's always been kind of just- The prank life on the trading floor is unparalleled, man.

It really was. Yeah. This is the guy from the Bentley dealership. Like, you know, we've had to do all that stuff and I'll never find that again. Like it can't happen here. First of all, because everyone's on cell phones. No one has like a phone turret. Like we you know, we've had to do all that stuff. And I'll never find that again. Like, it can't happen here. First of all, because everyone's on cell phones. No one has, like, a phone turret. Like, we always had turrets and stuff like that.

That's how old I am. But so that's one of the things I miss, too. But nonetheless, that's the old days. I got one summer, like, interning on a trading floor. And it is the, I mean, I can imagine 25 years and you get, like, sick of it maybe. But when you're young and you're doing it, it's fun as fuck.

Yeah. It's like anything goes. Constant prank war. Constantly. Everyone's fucking drunk or hungover or whatever. It's like it was just a goddamn party and a lot of fucking money going around. You need a thick skin, right? I mean like I think about some of the younger guys who are working here and stuff like that or some people who get a little upset even with Dave's antics and whatnot.

Like that was just kind of right down the middle. Baseline. Yeah, yeah. I mean I got lambasted day one. Barstool, you think, is a very thick skinned place. It's the opposite. It's a very thin skinned place. You got egos.

You got people who can dish it and can't take it. It's very sad. It's like, guys, what the fuck is going on here? Like, come on. Yeah. I mean, you know what? It's friendly at times, too. But sometimes it gets a little contentious, but not to the point where you can go tell somebody to go fuck himself.

Right? So then you carry around. It always kind of backs down a little bit. I would love to tell Willie Colon to go fuck himself. The only thing that stops me is decorum. Let's get into voicemails. They're brought to you by Lightstream. If you're thinking about saving money this summer, why not start by paying less interest

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Wait, what? I mean, like, so obviously, I never get that view, but I know this is a dumb question, but as a girl, can you just like break it down for all of us out there? Like how, like how often do you see your assholes every time they're fucking us? Obviously like the back, don't bring it up to me after. Cause it's like, I mean, that would just be weird. I don't know. I've never asked anyone about it. I've heard people talk about it.

And then when you guys were talking about shame,'m like oh shit like a bunch of people have definitely seen my asshole and I need to just like need like break it down give me some data give me some stats like what like is it just like every time you're gonna fuck me and fuck me from behind are you gonna see my asshole like I just need like a little something and just like to know

exactly what like yeah well let's let's give the stats we'll get out the excel spreadsheet we We'll break it down. It's a super quick answer. 100% of the time. We will see your asshole. This question is probably for me, right? You can tell when she set that in. I can't tell you

though, and I think as you get older, I used to be a big lights on guy. As long as it wasn't a mirror where I saw myself, because I've always made myself sick. But as I get it wasn't a mirror where I saw myself, cause I've always made myself sick. But as I get older and older, like I just find lights are more distracting. Like now I'm more, if I'm in the middle,

like I wouldn't even mind getting a phone call. Just get that glow from my phone. Like just to catch, like that's actually, you are horror movie lighting. That's all it is. Like, yeah.

I mean, I went from being a fucking dentist office guy. Fluorescence on. Yeah. To be like pitch black. Oh yeah. You're like those, those fish that fucking dentist office guy. Fluorescence on. Yeah. To being like. To just pitch black. Oh, yeah. You're like those fish that are like 20,000 feet below.

They don't even nab eyes. It's just so dark down there. Yeah, like an angler fish. Yeah, I'm like the Meg. Yeah. Essentially. I mean, like, I actually thought about that question more because as you do when you go home.

The lights on, lights off. Yeah. Yeah. We had a question like last couple weeks ago. It was if you had to pick one or the other for life, lights on, lights off? Yeah. Yeah, we had a question like last couple weeks ago. It was if you had to pick one or the other for life, lights on or lights off. And I quickly said lights on because as this girl noted, like, I can't see your butthole with the lights off.

But there definitely is appeal to, first of all, the first thing that came to mind is I had to think about lifetime. I thought about me right now. I was selfish. I was thinking about current John. When I'm 80. You could say at 46. You looked at me. So when I'm 80,

almost 47. I got a fucking popsicle stick typed in my dick. I don't need to see everything else. I want lights on because I'm thinking about seeing her and I wasn't really thinking about her seeing me. But even seeing her when I'm 80. That's not a game I want to play.

No. But at that point, you should be happy with whatever you get. You've got to think about your prime. Yeah, that's true. You don't care about where you play in your twilight. You care about where you play during your prime. But also, lights off, more primal. It's kind of like...

He's not throwing punches and shit. Who knows? Like Creed, when he's talking about how Woodstock, he's like, I knew they could have slipped in. When lights are off, everything's fair play. I don't care what's going where. And I'll add another nuance. Like with me now, it's lights on, lights off, glasses on, glasses off. If I want to turn it down, I can go blur so I can Mr. Magoo it a little bit.

It won't be just as exciting. Lights on, sometimes you'll see something that's kind of like, I don't know. Like the ugly naked from Seinfeld. I don't know if I want to put my mouth on that. Lights off, you just muck a barn. It doesn't matter. I mean, Chrissy Teigen tweeted about this. She was like,

no one's ever seen my asshole. And John Legend was like, oh, really? He had to kind of clarify. She was like, when did you see it? He was like, when we have sex. When did this happen?

It was relatively recently. I mean, it's been since Chrissy has blown up on Twitter. I don't know if she was joking at first or what, but John Legend was like, I've seen your asshole all the time. So I thought that was kind of understood that if you are naked and bent over in front of someone, they're going

to see it. But just so this girl knows, it is a 100% amount of time. There are times where it's not immediately. But I will make it. Yeah, it's not immediately visible. I will make adjustments. I will position, I will touch, I will but I will make it. Yeah, it's not immediately visible. I will make adjustments. I will position.

I will touch. I will move until I see it. I think I've seen Chrissy Teigen's asshole. So that's how fucking outlandish her claims are. I liked how the girl had posited the question saying, and by the way, I've never been behind where I see my boyfriend's asshole. And right away you're like, how is? Because there's always the trombone type.

2018, man. I'm surprised at this point. I'm surprised that she has it. My wife's a saint. You know, you think about the fucking trails she's gone through. So next question. Was there any conversation with your wife of like... I mean, you've done this before, but I feel like at Barstool, you're a little more personal. You're going to be saying some more like deep shit.

Was there ever like a, hey, get ready? Or did she ever say, hey, don't do this? Or was it just a let it fly? I mean, you know that I don't hold myself to a higher standard than anything, but obviously you guys even cut me a wider berth than anybody else just because of my age. But she knows that. You know, I probably am more concerned about talking about the kids. Right. Like I was, I did, one of our sponsors on

Podfathers is Blue, the vaporizer people. And I just happened to, over the weekend, my 14-year-old son was curious about these things and kids are doing it. So we went by 7-Eleven and I'd gotten like a mega millions ticket and I came back out to the car and I said, oh, by the way, Mick, I just bought one of these. Mick's my son.

And I bought one of those vape pens, the disposal ones. He was blown away. He's like, what? I was like, well, I just don't want you to have your first time with somebody else. And I've had him try different alcohols. So we were smoking this vape pen in my car and I was teaching him how you can just suck it into your cheeks if you don't want to inhale it, if they have the pot stuff in it or whatever. And which is kind of a good like teaching moment from a dad to his 14-year-old son. But I didn't know if that's something that he'd want me talking about on the air.

You know what I mean? Because he's a 14-year-old kid. His buddies like this stuff. Right. They might hear. They might listen. And I mean, I would never embarrass him. You know, like if whatever, his 20-minute showers that he started.

But I don't need that. See, 2020 is quick. That's it. That's it. That's our guy. So I'd actually hit my wife while I was on the podcast. I said, I want to talk about Mick's little vagrant story. Is that cool?

So I do that more often than me talking about my wife's asshole. You know what I mean? Check, check, check. Which I've seen. So there's no, other than the kids, there's no like a no-fly list? I don't think so. All right. So let's talk, other than the kids, there's no fly list? I don't think so. Alright, so let's talk about transgender porn then. Because Alex Jones got caught watching

transgender porn. There's always no no fly list until you fly through it. Right. Yeah. No, I mean, we can find something. I found that. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, so I heard you guys talking about it. I stepped off during the run down, the transgender porn, and it was like, why would somebody ever have that?

I mean, I'm a casual porn enthusiast too, and I've been down that road. Absolutely. I mean, listen, this is how vanilla Portnoy is. I was so mad listening to the rundown. Everyone's like, I would never. Bitch, what? So I got the topics. It said Alex Jones for transgender.

I look at it, and I start just cackling to myself because I'm thinking about my run-ins. Sometimes accidental, sometimes curious. It's never really preferred, but it's been both intentional and unintentional. And I turn to John, and I explain the topic. And John goes to me, oh, well, you've got to say one of the names on the rundown. And I said, you know what? I'm going to hold off because this is a KFC radio topic.

If I go on the rundown and I talk to those two fucking vanilla ice cream cones, they're going to be like, what? No way. So I waited for my guys to be like, yeah, come on. If you haven't watched transgender porn, you don't watch enough porn. You're not exploring one of the great free treasure troves of entertainment the world provides. I don't understand. What is the downside? Someone make an argument for me.

The negative aspect of transgender porn. It's bonus boobs. Because lesbian porn sucks. It's heterosexual porn with a better looking guy. It's 1.5 girls instead of one girl. It's a good looking dude.

Like a really good looking dude with a nice set of tits on him. A doctor made for him. I prefer the post-op a doctor made for him. Yeah. Usually. Yeah, I prefer the post-op trannies for myself. That's a good point. With a real, a nice, it's a hot guy with a nice rack. They got terrible dicks though.

And that's the problem. Terrible dick that makes you really go, what's going on there? Transgender porn 15 years ago was a tough road to help. I can imagine. But now it was, like, I can tell you that the medical advances in transgender in general has made it much more. But I think, and maybe you won't agree with me, there's certain porn that after you get done with it, however you want to quantify that, but after you're done, you're disgusted a little bit with yourself. You want to take a shower. You're like, I can't believe I just did that. I used to pretend that

you don't care anymore no I got nothing every now and again like I and I'm I'm a you don't even I'd probably delete your cookies

because you're a sick fuck but every now and again I'm like I really have to delete those like you know what I mean like I just don't want you know whatever I'm absolutely with you

he is the outlier here he has just given up on anybody like we've done questions before like would you rather your bank statement get out or your internet search history? I'm always like, anything but the internet search history because there's going to be some shit in there. I'm with you. There are certain times.

Yeah. Because you have that moment of clarity right after you come that you're just like, what? Never had a moment of clarity. You're broken. No. Like, yeah. You go through my search history, you're probably going to see Adriana Cechik fucking Janelle Santini. I don't know what to tell you.

Seen it? Seen it? Adriana goes hard. Seen it? Seen it? Send it over, I guess. Janelle Santini. That's the gold standard, all right?

I don't know what to tell you. You're probably going to get a look at it. You're going to like it, too, just so you fucking know. If you're sitting here shaking your head going, no, no, no. 1.5. Check it it. You're going to like it too, just so you fucking know. If you're sitting here shaking your head going, no, no, no. Check it out. You're going to like it. I've gone back to that well a time or two. That wasn't a one-time run through. Apparently.

I'm checking that thing out. Oh, my God. That was special. That's special. Good to know that nothing's off the list. All right. Back to voicemails. MyBookie.com.

No, we'll just go back to voicemails my bookie.com now we'll just go back to voicemails what do we got just to put an aesthetical for you um would you rather always have to shit after a shower and never being able to poop before a shower, or always take a poop while you're sweaty. I think they're both terrible. Let me know what you think. Well, I was going to say, there's not many things worse than having to take a shit right after you get out of the shower.

But the practicality of, am I understanding this right? Every time you start to sweat, your body makes you shit? No, no, no, no. Whenever you have to shit, you're sweating. Oh, okay, got it. I was going to say, if I just break a sweat in the middle of a 90 degree day and I have to take a shit, it's not practical. Yeah, like you're taking like food poisoning shits all the time. Okay.

Those ones where you're just like sitting there like head between your legs. Well, you haven't had this, but like you're just going please, please, please, please, please. And then you're like wiping sweat from your brow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you played in a basketball game. Well, listen, I mean, I don't know if I've had food poisoning, but I've definitely had bad bouts like that where you're, yeah. I mean, large, you get totally naked and have like an intimate session with yourself.

So if I leave the shower and I have to take a dump right afterwards, I make sure I'm 100% dry, right? I think I just reshower. Yeah. I'm 100% dry and also powder even before I take it, even though I know that it's about to happen, I powder because I'd like to have a fresh runway. And then if, I think he's saying that you can't jump back in, like you have to leave with that not so fresh feeling.

And I guess I would, I would pick that over a like malaria-induced type thing where you're sweating in the middle of your thighs and shit like that. And you just can't get dry. Like I can get to the point. I used to wipe my ass as a kid. It was like passing a silk scarf between two bowling balls. And now it's like cleaning cake batter out of a fucking catcher's mitt. But as long as I stay in there, I can stay in there and then get to a point where I'm comfortable walking around the city.

But being in like a sweaty, like, you know, Vietnam-ish type thing. Maybe you walk out of the Hotel James and people are staring at you. Come on, you won't be welcome there anymore. I get another glass of lemon water and I'm refreshed. The sweaty thing, too, the problem with that is it's like it's hard to stay on the seat. I get it where you end up slipping down and then like your tailbone is the only thing keeping you from falling in. Right.

And then like I'm – You're hanging on for dear life. And then I'm sore afterwards. Like, yeah, Kevin, you'll be able to relate to this one. Like when you do sit-ups, like a hardwood floor or something like that. I would roll it up and down on that. Like a really low – really, really sore. I wouldn't be able to relate at all.

That's a fucking fat joke, right? No, I was actually. Fuck you, fight. Fuck you, fight. I was actually. I was a joke at me. Yeah, it was. I shot at me.

You were telling me you've been in good shape before. It was collateral damage. No, I knew Larger done sit-ups. He had a year off where he learned to cook and got in shape. I did not, yep. He's done a sit-up or two. Got down. Has not.

He got down to 280. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure to 280. So final answer, you're both going, you don't want the sweatshits. Yeah, I got to go shower. And you just make sure you just dry your shit off. Spend a little extra time. It ain't great. I hate that feeling.

It's like, turn it off. Because it is hot. It is still hot in the bathroom. Yeah. So you start sweating anyway. It's like a sauna. It's like shitting in a sauna. I got the fans.

Honestly, my bathroom, and again, I'm tooting my own horn. Fuck it. I have three urinals in the house. My kids have never been on a flight, but I have three urinals in the house. You got urinals in the house? Three urinals, yeah. Like some people have a urinal. I have three.

Three. And it's not like the ones in McSorley where you walk in. It's just regular Kohler freshman urinals. I just gave Kohler a free plug. And I them in because I have like an uncle who's built like a jumbo shrimp who used to piss all over my fucking bathroom so we put one in the guest bathroom I liked it so much we put one in the master and read that the master then I put in the kids and it's a life changer like I walk like you animals go to the bathroom in the middle of the night you have to concentrate on seats and aim. Shoot at the wall.

I just basically, yeah, I just walk in front. Maybe you just go crazy and just go with a trough at some point. I would love to. Like a bring-me-to-the-trough. Yeah, if she'd let me. I mean, I'll probably— Have your kids put the ice cubes in it every six hours. Yeah, yeah, and then I put everyone in my custom van, and we drive down to the river.

But no, so my bathroom's always cool and all that stuff. I have industrial fans. It would fucking clear out after a bomb goes off. And so I'm nice and cool all the time. So it's an easy answer for me. There's a guy. Yeah. Living it.

That's a dream right there. He has your kitchen. Your kitchen's sick too? Yeah, my kitchen's sick. You sound like you've built your dream bathroom. You haven't heard this from me. I'm such a social anxiety-fueled sh I, I'm like shit break from animal, uh,

American pie, right? I won't, I refuse to do it in public. It's if I, if I even have to a little bit, I'd be like, I can wait three hours and get home.

And I've always said that my dream bathroom, if I, if I had large money, I'd, I'd just build another house and that would have a bathhouse. Right. Because like my parents' house, we have like bathrooms always in the most inconvenient places.

There's one right off the living room, and then one in a bedroom, and then another one off the dining room. And I'm like, there are always, because sometimes we're having parties at the house, I want privacy, and I don't have one in my bedroom. I would have a whole other house where people wouldn't even know where I was going.

They'd say, oh, Fights is going, or John's going to the guest house for a bit. And no one's allowed in that house. You don't even know what room the bathroom's in. That's where I take my shit. I don't even want an outhouse because people would know that I'm in this shit. You need a whole house. I need a whole house.

With, like, ancillary rooms that don't even get used just to throw people off the set. So the way my house is set up, and I'll stop talking after this, it's the furthest point away from the front door is my master. There you go. So if you were to come to my house and not want to use one of the other bathrooms, and there's plenty of them. I'm just kidding. But I know you need to use the master.

Like no one ever accidentally uses my master bath because it's all the way up and all the way around because we remodeled the house in this weird type of thing. It's lovely, but whatever. So again, like we had a house where there was a half bath off the kitchen right and I sold that house immediately

like I was like how would you ever use it god damn it mom sell your house right yeah it's absolutely ridiculous to think that I'd have people come out

and that's why I don't use it here like I really don't want to come out and like they kind of misfit toyish around the bathroom they don't give everybody

you know the best seat there yeah but everyone kind of so I don't know those guys hardly at all you know but Z't give everybody the best seat there. Yeah. But everyone kind of... So I don't know those guys hardly at all. Right. You know, but Zaz,

give me the fucking eye. You know what I mean? So I'm shaking some. Do you have a tub? Yeah, so... Do they have to make a custom tub that you can fit in?

So I got a custom tub. You a bath guy? Yeah, I used to be a bath guy. I fuck with baths so much. That's my dream. My dream bathroom will be like... It'll be TVs

with a tub and all that shit. We ran our baseboard heat through the bathroom and then we ran extra baseboard heat around my tub. Whenever you crank the heat up in my house, it heats the tub because nothing's worse than filling it with hot water. Cold ass porcelain. My bathroom's cool, I guess.

We got the steam shot. My dream bathroom, I'm just going to copy yours. Yeah. You can call it the copy yours. Yeah. Yeah. Next. KFC, Feist, BC. Stu is from the Nutmeg State. Would you rather for you? Would you rather have the normal two to three

kids family or have ten kids, but you're guaranteed to have a Tom Brady LeBron James type athlete as your 10th kid. So would you deal with the bullshit and everything that encompasses having 10 kids so you get to see your future kids once in generation success, money, fame, notoriety? So you got three. I have three.

Triple that. Yeah, no, this is an easy answer. See, I don't want any more kids. The thought of another kid sickens me so much. Like babies, I – No, absolutely not. Yeah, they're absolutely disgusting. And I have three great fucking kids.

The thought of having a fourth fucking ruins my thought. And the problem is that by the time this kid becomes Tom Brady, LeBron James, whatever, you're fucking old and what are you going to do with that? You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, that's great. Listen, you're going to live off your kid for your twilight years, but like I said, you care about your prime. I don't think it's a well thought out question. I don't mean to fuck with your audience, but if you're going to have 10 kids and you start having kids when you're 25 at the

earliest, right? You're not going to have a kid a year. You're probably going to have a kid every two years. So then 45, you're now having that 10th kid. And that kid's got to be about 20 beforehand. So now you're 65 before you start seeing anything that resembles, you know, like he's a stud in college. Unless you're Cromartie.

Cromartie used to have like three kids all the same age. I love that. I have three nine-year-olds. Triplets? Nope. Nope. They're all separate. But if I have to go until I'm 70 before I start seeing those dividends, you're out of

your mind. Plus, I think just like being a parent, I think you kind of have – yeah, I mean they'll get you the car or whatever. But I just don't want to have to call my kid for money. No, and I mean – Hey, can I – Oh, I do. Honestly, I can't wait. Hey, Tommy, can I get a couple of bucks?

Well, I think parents kind of – again, I guess it's different with superstars and things like that. But I think a lot of parents are probably just like, I'm old enough, I'm good, I don't need, I'm almost old enough where I'm good. I don't need anything else. Let's say your dad makes a horrible career decision, leaves a very lucrative job to go work at a blog or something like that,

and you might need to take care of him. A moron. Then it's a different story. I mean, I got two, and the thought of a third makes me want to shit myself. And you're not out of the woods. I'm in the thick of it. My kids are very easy. Knock on wood.

They're very easy. So I can't imagine having two, three, four, ten. Right. I mean, I don't care what's at the end of the tunnel. You don't make it through the tunnel. You don't come out. Charlie Wisco, former KFC radio intern, his family,

his mom had six kids in eight years. How is that possible? She has a couple, like a set of twins and this and that. And she openly says to them, like, a piece of me died in that decade. Like, I never was the same.

Yeah, a hobo, a hobo. Her vagina. Specifically, I know the piece. And the twins were the last. So they had, like, a bunch of kids. And it was either triplets or twins. It was some sort of multiples. And they said, like, they went to the doctor, and they were like, yeah, you're having, like, twins or triplets.

And he said his dad, like, almost passed out. Like, I don't know. That's one of those things where it's like, yeah, you're all a blessing, and I love you. But, like, I'll be honest, when the fucking, when the test came back, I was like, no! And also, that's kind of the thing, too, where no matter how much money you have when you're in the twilight years, as we mentioned, is it worth living? I mean, it doesn't really matter how rich you are. If you have 10 kids, you're living in poverty. Right, your life sucks.

You're barely above the poverty line. Everything you do is just for them. I literally don't know how you do it. You're shopping at Goodwill in your prime years so you can drive a Mercedes when you're 70. Yeah, like retire to Florida with the fucking house. The big family now is four kids. I have three kids, and that's on the big side. But I grew up, the Reeds had six, the McEnany's had nine, the Mazzerias had 18.

I mean, Miss Mazzeria was pregnant for 30 calendar years. Look, there was some point in 30 years that she was pregnant with a kid. That's crazy. That's another long story. I'll tell you sometime. So you think about that, and now four kids, ten kids. I'm one of four. My mom's one of nine.

My dad's one of eight. And I'm one of four. And even my friend's parents used to be like, well, you guys are running a baby factory over there just because of four. Four kids, yeah. My dad's one of eight and i'm one of four and even like my friend's parents used to be like well you guys are running a baby factory over there just because of four four kids yeah my dad's one of seven i just don't think it's financially possible at all anymore if you want to give your kids like any semblance of a normal life now i mean everyone's got to have an iphone everyone's got to have this that the other thing it's like you have to be rich to do anything other than like large you know anything too you gotta be imagine i'm 10 girls oh that's what i said i'm only having two because i had a girl first.

Yeah, you're paired on kids. So I'm either going to go one and one, or if I get two girls, I'm out because I can't risk three girls. So two for me. Hi, KFC. Hi, Fights. Hi, Super Producer. I got a question for y'all. My sister is getting married in a couple of weeks, I think.

And she's having her wedding on my birthday. Do I have to get her a gift? I'm in the camp that I don't have to, but I've asked a few of my friends and gotten varying answers. Obviously, all the girls have said, yes, you absolutely do. All the guys have said, hey, fuck it. You're giving them your birthday. And I'm kind of inclined to think that I don't have to get them one.

But I'd just like your guys' take on it. I mean, I love your logic, but you have to get them something. Of course you have to get them. It's a hopefully once-in-a-lifetime thing versus your birthday that happens every year. You're a guy. She's a girl. You're a guy. She's a girl. I think that matters.

It's like, dude. I was going to call her a bitch for even doing it, but does anyone really give a fuck about their birthday? No. This guy sounds like he's over 25 or 30. I mean, it shouldn't be a big deal. When I was five. No. How old am I now? When I was eight.

So me and my littlest sister Have the same exact birthday We were born on the same day And my mom Was like in the hospital Trying to Keep my sister in Past my birthday

So she wouldn't Yeah so like So I So it wouldn't spoil my birthday And I was like I don't give a shit I have to fucking kid And I was 8

So if you're an adult man I'd'd be like, it's my birthday. Adult males celebrate their birthday hard is one of the stranger things. I'm born on Christmas Day. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. So everybody, Jimmy Buffett also. Eddie Lennox. Sir Isaac Newton.

I can go on. I got Shaquille O'Neal and Michelangelo. Oh, that's not bad. Not the turtle. So everyone gets presents on my birthday. I've never had a birthday party growing up because who would come to it? You know, like I'd say, hey, look what I got for my birthday. Oh, look what I got for Christmas. And everybody brought like cupcakes

in, all my birthday gifts were wrapped in Christmas paper. You know, apparently it's hurt my feelings because I'm talking about it in pretty good detail. But I mean, and again, like that's from when I was a kid. I had the opportunity. My parents said, oh, you can celebrate mid-January if you want to do it. No, it's just fucking birthday. I was going to move Shay's birthday from December to June.

Just fuck it. Just move it. Oh, yeah. Either like we do it like fake or we actually just convince her she was born in June. She's dumb. She's not going to know. And it was met with quite a bit of resistance. But I really see no flaw in this logic.

When is she born? She's December 12th. So it's not even like, you know, the Christmas, but it's in the thick of it. And like early, you go June 12th and then you're still in school because kids like the school birthday. Sure. Summertime. I mean, you don't get cocked by Christmas.

What's to lose? Nothing. Apparently I can't make these decisions on my own, though. I mean, I think it's good. My brother is born to turn their keys. Yeah. Both. My brother is born on June 1st. so he had it smack dab in the middle. You know what I mean? So right in the middle, he got a fresh set of downs all over again. You know, all these gifts and the hats and all that shit.

But it's not a huge deal. I think this guy needs to grow up a little bit. I'm all over you. Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by my bookie. Larger throw around cash, you said? You bet on college football? Yeah, college football. All right, so you're back.

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What up, KFC sites? So, just listened to the funeral director voicemail talk about how he told a girl that he's a funeral director. Well, actually, I think I can top him in weirdness and I actually like your opinion on that

too. So, I used to live in a regular old house with all my siblings and everyone but everyone moved out you know go to college whatever we all got older my parents got the offer to live on a cemetery and become the actual cemetery people that dig the graves or mow the lawn or change the flowers like legit like we live in the middle of a cemetery with like all the old people that founded the town what do i do like how do you how do you know is that the worst thing in the world like they took it they're doing this okay 50 to 100

yards of tombstones and then you end up at this house Like how bad is that Let me tell you something I mean I moved to Cal If your parents Agree to become like grave diggers You are poor as fuck Right yeah Like you are the poorest people in America

I can't think of My mom and dad would be like They're always like yeah shit's hard Retirement's tough You kids are expensive They were like well We got an offer to go dig some graves And dress up some fucking My mom and dad would be like, they're always like, yeah, shit's hard. Retirement's tough. You kids are expensive. They were like, well, we got an offer to go dig some graves and dress up some fucking headstones. Well, I don't know. No, I know.

I know, John. The free room and board, I guess, is nice. I like it off campus. But, I mean, digging a grave, you're just digging a hole. You don't have to go to the cemetery. Yeah, come on. There's elements of dead people and shit to this. Come go to the cemetery. Yeah, come on. There's elements of dead people and shit to this. Come on.

I mean, yeah, kind of, but you're just digging a hole. Even nowadays, you don't even lower it, do you? Yeah. You do lower it? Yeah, because I go to a lot of them, obviously. It's so fucking unfair. But yeah, they still do the traditional. I mean, a lot of people don't opt for that anymore, but

the traditional cemeteries, you still do the lowering, and then you drop the thing, and then the one scoop of dirt and then you get out of Dodge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to be responsible for that. I'm not trying to run a fucking cemetery for you. But he's saying how it's going to affect his dating, correct? Yeah. Which is, you know.

Well, you don't tell anybody this. I go the opposite way. I think this guy can make lemonade because if he shows up to a Cure concert or something like that, there's that whole subgenre of girls who pierce and do this. Okay, fine. But then you've got to fully commit to that. I mean, as much as you have to commit to anything. No, you can't put your toe into, like, I fuck gothic chicks because my parents work in a graveyard. And then I also just, oh, I also take out Becky and we go to happy hour drinks.

You commit to that. That's your life. It doesn't sound like he has a lot of options, right? I'm keeping that one a secret, man. I can't imagine that in high school. You know, like I was lucky enough in high school we had, you know, like our garage above it is kind of like a redone room. So like that's where you could take girls and it was.

Throw a condom out the window onto the fucking windshield of the car in the driveway. Yeah. It was easy peasy. Except for that. You know, you have to aim where you're through the condoms, but you can take girls and it was... Throw a condom out the window onto the fucking windshield of the car in the driveway. Yeah, it was easy peasy. Except for that. You had to aim where you threw the condoms, but you could take care of it. If you have to drive through 50 to 100 yards of tombstones... It's already dicey whether or not she agreed to do this. And now it's like, okay, let's drive back to my place.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Just whipping past dead bodies. That's where my Nana's buried over there. Holy cow. No, no, no. That whipping past dead bodies. That's where my Nana's buried over there. Holy cow. No, no, no. That's a mood killer right there. I watched Hereditary last night, by the way. I think I have a haunted house.

I legitimately kind of think that. I don't know if I can watch scary movies anymore. Really? It was like fucking with me too much. And then I took out the garbage afterwards. Scary fucking movie. You run back? I was walking through the garage, and I kicked Shay's toy out of the way.

And it was a talking toy, and I didn't know that. And it started talking, and I was like very scared, legitimately very scared. I think probably my whole life, when I remember visiting my parents, and I'm a real chores boy. I like to help out around the house when I'm there. I'll take the trash out, and I'll run back in. Yeah. If you're not afraid of the dark, I'll run back in. Dark is the scariest thing in the world.

Yeah, we hit for the cycle. I'm a big guy, and I came from Brooklyn, and now I live out in the suburbs. I'm terrified of nature. I'm terrified of the dark. We have a lot of bats. We have a lot of raccoons, deer, bear, all that stuff. Oh, I had a dead bear on my fucking step the other day. Yeah, I don't like any of it.

So I'm a natural coward, and I told my wife right off the bat. I was like, you're not going to get on our honeymoon. We were golfing. She was in the car and I was golf. She doesn't golf. And our golf cart in Bermuda hit a patch of dew and started to donut towards a cliff. And so I pushed her down and jumped out. I used her as a propulsion device.

And then the golf cart stopped, you know, right away. And a good 20, 25 yards, for anything that resembled a cliff. And she looked right at me. I'm like, wow, we're 48 hours in, right? You know? I hope you kept the receipt, because it's not going to get any fucking better. Yeah, so as far as that shit goes,

I'm a coward from the jump shoot. I know someone whose daughter, I think was like four years old, was like talking to like imaginary friends or whatever, then says to the parents, oh, it's like my Indian friend. And the the dad was so mean to them. And like the mom went and looked up and the house is built on like a Native American burial ground and all that shit. And she was like, we're getting out of here.

We're selling it. I moved because I had to have it connected to the kitchen. I mean, if I had any kind of juju going on there, I'm fucking gone. And that's it for our guy, Large. Follow him on Twitter, at Large Barstool. Anything else you want to tell the people? I mean, Large is churning out the blog. So everybody who wants the old school writing, Large is your guy.

Right. So I think you've been smash hit higher. It seems like your return's been okay, yeah. Yeah, it's been a big time. It's a good throwback for the people who really want the old days. Yeah, thanks for setting that up. You're the reason I'm here, right? Yeah, there's a fine receipt for that?

There's a commission? I don't know. I can't think of any of mine. There's barely any fucking left. Thanks very much for having me on. No doubt.