KFC Radio - KFCradio: Best Man Speeches

Episode Date: June 27, 2018

How to give a Best Man speechYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's a wedding season edition of KFC Radio today. Second one. Second one. Today's topic is best man speeches. This was a special request. Right.

And I think, I like special requests. Yeah, me too. I would, if people want us to do something. Let us know. I think. We're just like little whores. We can be bought. You do the work.

I think every Sunday night we tweet out what we do for cookies this week. Viewer's choice. Nate also requested some help. I know there was a listener who asked for it, right? I thought there was a listener as well. This right oh no i was talking about nate oh i thought there was i thought there was a listener as well i mean this is something we've heard over

the years uh but nate nate wanted it um he's got a best man speech this weekend and he wants some tips so i guess it's also we'll we'll touch upon the maid of honor speech as well for the ladies out there obviously we don't have experience doing that but i have experience listening to absolutely horrendous ones. I have one of the worst ones ever. I have one great one that my friend gave, and then I have one when I was a kid that was... I mean, it was... All-time bad. I was like

probably 13, and I was sitting there going, oh, no. You still knew. This ain't it. Yeah. I don't know how to do this yet, but this ain't the one. Nudging my mom, being like, right? This is wrong. So, the best man speech is a delicate task, being a best man. But it's not that difficult. Like it's nerve wracking if you don't like speaking in front of people.

I get that. But like if you follow a simple formula, you could be in and out and you're good to go. How many have you given? One. One. How many have you given? I'm one. I'll have two by the end of the summer.

Okay. Yeah. I mean, I don't end of the summer. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I don't think you give many more than, I think it's bizarre if you do a best man speech that many times, right? You've got to be a pretty fucking awesome dude to be. I think I'm on the docket for four. Four? What do you got?

I think by the time weddings, like the weddings that are currently in place, I will have, nope, three. And then, and then who knows? i have a lot of other friends who get married so you got you got your brother are you having your brother no no no i'm talking about weddings i've already been asked to do it wow so i have three you just got a lot of friends huh the thing is i say on this show every time i got none i got a lot of people who think they're my friend i guess but i got no friends johnson you're like i don't even like this person.

They want me to be their best man. I'm not the best at anything. I'm not even a man. I'm a mediocre boy, not the best man. Shout out to that guy, who is obviously not even considered a friend. And he's like, you're my best friend. Someone's listening. I want you to participate.

Someone's listening right now. He's like, wait a minute. Wait a minute, what the fuck? That's how you know I'm a good best man. i'm like yeah all right start out with that well so i was asked to be the best man i don't know why i don't know i don't even really know ricky that well uh i think it depends on what you want to do my goal when i was the best man was to not fuck up not be the guy who the 13 year olds in the in the crowd go, and this ain't the one. Don't embarrass yourself.

Don't embarrass anyone in the family. Say a couple things. Get in. Get out quickly. If you're there, this is your time to shine, and you think you're going to put on a show. I don't know what to tell you. Right there, yeah.

That ain't the way to do it. I think short and sweet, first of all, is the number one. I would would say one and one a is keep it very very short and make sure you talk about the bride the the thing is changeable for most important to me the thing i think it's i think length because the the job of the best man is almost the reverse of the job of the bachelor on the bachelor party where it's like you're necessary for this to happen but you're not supposed to be the show. Right. Or it's like the body at an Irish wake.

We need you for the funeral, but you're not supposed to say a whole lot. I mean, we need you for the party, but we're not supposed to say a ton. Right, right. I mean, to me, the only thing I'll say is that the worst fallout, if you go too long versus if you don't talk about the bride. If you go too long, the whole audience is rolling their eyes and they hate you. How long, though? How long do you actually think? I would aim for three. Oh, I'd say even lower. I'd say

two, maybe like a minute 45. I think you can go too short. I think then, because it is like, has anyone walked away and said that the wedding was great, but that best man it wasn't long enough Literally has never been said I would shoot for two

Just finish up your fucking thing With your little dick sucking fest with your friend So I can eat my sandwich or eat my steak You know when the parents sometimes say something That is usually very short If a best man got up there and he was just like Well you know I mean like we've been good friends I just wish you the best

Everybody would be like okay i mean it can't be 10 seconds but i would say this i would say when you write it out and plan it out which i think you should do that's another thing people who just get up there and wing it unless you're fucking roan and you can freestyle off the top of your head you better have a little something prepared i would say shoot for like two minutes like in your rehearsal call it and then when you get up there and you're inevitably nervous and you kind of go a little bit quicker and it falls to like 145 i think you'd be okay i i i like three more but yeah you're right it all go above three yeah it all depends on who you are you know and i think that's you know what go for a commercial break how long is a commercial

break that's a good amount of time that's a great time right that's that's a sufficient amount of time for you to be like okay i'm ready for my show to come back on now i think the hardest hardest part of it, and this is really the hardest part in life in general, is you have to understand who you are. And if you're not a funny guy, don't go up there and be funny. Nope. Self-awareness is key. Don't try and be this. Don't treat it like open mic night. No.

If you're not a funny guy, go up there, tell one or two stories that connect the couple and resonate, and then tie it all together. It's very, very easy. Portnoy told a story on radio the other day about his best man speech. And I shit you not, I thought he was joking. It was about him hitting home runs in high school baseball. It's a best man speech he gave? Yes. Like that's unbelievable.

Something happened where they were on the field. I think there was a brawl, like a benches clearing brawl or something and the the groom like saved dave in the fight and was like you know we need you on the team and then like he hit a home run the next step back that was his best man speech and i literally like i was like no i mean that would be funny like i was like, that was the most self-aware things Dave's ever done. He told some story about him. It was true. And I was like, jaw dropped. That's the worst I've ever heard. He was like,

what? I mean, of course. He was like, this was great. I was like, first of all, it sounds like you made no mention of the bride. He's like, that's not my job. I'm not supposed to be doing that. I was like, okay, that's wrong. It can be difficult because I gave one for a friend and I didn't really know her. But then you just go with the generic like, okay, that's wrong. It can be difficult because I gave one for a friend, and I didn't really know her. But then you just go with the generic, like, what a beautiful bride.

You look radiant today. And I'm so happy that my guy spent it. You know, make some shit up, too. When John first met you, he told me that, you know, this is the one. Whatever. Who cares? But you're right about the self-awareness thing. Like, you know but you're right about the self-awareness thing like you know whether you're

funny you can go like two roads and hopefully somewhere in between you go heartfelt you go funny hopefully you get somewhere in the middle but if you're not a funny dude just be like this is my buddy and i'm happy he's getting married and don't thank you all for coming here and celebrating with him goodbye don't have jokes yeah i don't think i just i don't like well i like jokes being told i like i love stand-up comedy but that's a different thing that's don't don't have jokes written tell a funny story that's a very i was gonna say a funny anecdote is the way to go not like a sort of thing right right don't have you have like don't go up and tell the punchline in there fine but like if there's like a moment where it's like now laugh yeah but to be like this is my joke i'm gonna set it up and then

i'm gonna hit you with the punchline like, it's not a stand-up comedy routine. What about this, though? I think you tell the jokes or you tell a story targeted at the parents. Not like the bridal party. Because if you're trying to tell a story that you would tell at the bar, then you worry about getting a little edgy. Don't try to make it the bridal party. That's number three, is you're going PG-13. You're not with your buddies.

You're talking in front of grandma and grandpa and shit. There kids in the crowd to work with the next day or you know a week or so honeymoon ends this is pg-13 at the most that was the one so this is the one where i was probably about 13 and i was listening to a uh maid of honor give a speech and she was giving a speech about how the bride used to be so wild and how one time she found the bride they had a big party at like a barn and they she couldn't find the bride worried now yeah couldn't find the bride in the morning didn't know where she was found her in the haystacks at the barn her pants off oh no with a tin of copenhagen and a bottle of wild turkey in her hand. And I was thinking, maybe leave the rapes out of this.

This is the wedding day speech. Maybe no rape. And there was someone running away in the background. She was passed out with her pants off and a bottle of whiskey. That doesn't sound good. That's not a wedding day speech. No, no. and maybe and maybe that is funny to tell at the bar right that again bachelorette party routine right you know that's

that's funny you know when you're or after party routine that's not the the reception you absolutely have to know your audience it's so that might be number one they're they're all they're all number one well these are all one a one b one c the thing is like know your audience it's always the same audience it's always someone's family yeah yeah but but know that and understand that and not you have to acknowledge it but know it and understand it and and think about it while you're writing if you if you think that this would be the funniest story to tell at the bar or to like call up kfc radio do not tell it. That's like, it's true. That's the problem. Let me tell you this.

The best story you have about your buddy, you can't tell. Nope. So get that out of your brain. Like you're going to be like, that time was so funny when we were like double teaming that chick, man. You can't do it.

Who would have thought I would see when we were both coming on Tiffany's face. Right, Chris? We were both fucking this girl and it was like, who's she going to be with? Me or him? It turned out to be Ricky over here. Like, no. No, no, no. You know, I would say

you walk in, you can do some like thank you to the I would thank the parents who put the thing on, both parents actually, because nowadays you know, whatever. I would talk about the bride real quick, on, both parents actually because nowadays, whatever. I would talk about the bride real quick, how she looks pretty. You know how much it takes to fucking get ready and all that shit. And then I would – you tell some – No, I don't like that.

I don't like that you know how long it takes to get ready. Well, I would just acknowledge – I think that's joking. I would – no, I think it's like i think it's very i think brides will appreciate the fact that you know how much i would say something like i know how much you put into this big day you know i've again i thought you were saying like we know how long women take no no no no women be shopping no i actually would i would rope like all of it in be again basically lying because i'm sure your buddy's not talking about wedding planning but be like tom told me how much you've been planning and how much work this took

and it all came out beautiful and so did you you know done uh and then i guess it depends on who who the person is to you but like you probably have some like old ass story from when you were like kids that's gonna be that's gonna be pretty, clean. Cause it's like, yeah, I hope you weren't doing like crazy fucked up shit. Tell some story about when you were like riding bikes as a kid or something, you know, you can't, you know, you can't offend anybody there. You know what I mean? Uh, so I would tell like a little, uh, little anecdote about you. Cause then, cause at the end of the day, you are the best man. It is more, you have to mention the bride and all that shit, but it is about you and your buddy and the groom. And then I would navigate towards like those two meeting, getting together, tell that story, whatever.

However you want to like talk about them as a couple, say how it makes you happy. And, you know, I feel like like the cheesy old like, you know, I used to kind of like we always just take care of each other. And now there's not a there's not a better person. I take care of each other. And now there's not a better person that can take care of him. But now, you know, this girl is going to, you know, there couldn't be a better person that I, like in better hands that I'm leaving him with than you. Done. Fucking done. And I hope your anecdotes in the middle are funny.

But if they're not, as long as they're heartfelt, you're okay. As long as they're real, just be honest. Be honest except when you're lying. That's really my life. Be honest except when you're absolutely lying about the bride. We love this girl. She's great. Fucking bitch.

That's a life motto. Be honest except when you're lying. And that's all it takes. That's best man speeches. That's work interviews. That's relationships. That's everything. Just be real work interviews That's relationships That's everything Just be real and honest

And then tell some lies Scatter some lies in there That's really all you need And the What the fuck was the thing You know what What I hate I've seen someone do before

Is they kind of get up there And like I'm not very good at this I'm nervous Yeah We'll figure that out We know We know bro

Don't guilt trip me right away I'm like Oh I gotta root for this guy up here. Shut the fuck up. We can see your hands shaking. What about reading it? No, no, that's not, no. The paper, and that's where we'll get into a little bit.

It's two minutes. The maid of honor shit. Like, they always walk up there with a fucking packet of papers. And when you're flipping pages, you staple the top. When you're flipping, first of all, it's like crumple, crumple, crumple. You can hear that shit throughout the whole reception hall. And it's also super depressing when you flip the first page and you kind of get a vibe that there's like six more. Oh, boy, we're in for it.

They go up there with one of those elementary school trap keepers. Yeah. Let me unzip my five star. So the girls are just the worst at this. And the problem I've seen recently, a lot of people, I guess, a lot of brides can't arrive on a maid of honor because girls are fucking binges. So there's like three of them. So they try to do like a three person speech where like they pass the mic or I've seen poems before and like songs and shit. Like you almost have to be like, I know I'm like the co-mate of honor here,

but I'm going to like let the sister do the speech or something, you know? Yeah. You take it. Right. Like just defer here. That's more of the self-awareness. Yeah.

I don't need to be, have the spotlight. I mean, really at the end of the day, that's like kind of the whole point of this thing too, is like, if you really are about like the bride and groom on that day, and there's some reason why you

can't or shouldn't give the speech there's too many people or it's too long or whatever it may be you should be okay with that because theoretically you should just be able to go tell that person right to their face private one-on-one and that's what it should be all about now a lot of people are about like showing you know making a whole to-do i mean weddings in general are making a to-do of like the couple but you know if you want to be real about it and you're really like happy for the couple you should be able to just say that to them afterwards at the bar and be like hey uh i didn't i didn't give the speech because you know people don't like long speeches or whatever but i want to let you know blah blah that should theoretically be okay with you enough yeah it's probably not with especially

with the girls being like oh i can't believe that you that Becky did it. She wasn't even friends with her for 10 years. But yeah, the girls with the papers. It's weird, though, because as much as I despise, I think it's – if your speech – your speech should be short enough to be able to memorize. That's how long a speech should be. Keep trimming it down. If you need to do a 30-second speech because otherwise you need to read off of a book, then don't do it. But at the same time, I will say one of my favorite Maid of Honor speeches my friend gave and she was reading it. She read it, right?

So I guess there's – Well, okay. Then let me say this. If you're going to do the speech – She didn't read it, but she had the stapled paper that she had to read through. Yeah, you're ready. It can't be – my problem with the girls with the papers are when they are reading a joke, you know, and they're doing it in a reading voice. But it's supposed to be like off the cuff, like, and then she said, ba-bow.

And it's like – and then at the moment, then, you know what I mean? It's just like, oh, that was a joke. Okay, I didn't realize that because you're reading like a robot. I was worried about blanking. I was worried about, like, forgetting a whole section. So I just, like, took, like, a fourth of a piece of paper.ing. I was worried about forgetting a whole section. So I just took a fourth of a piece of paper. You have a note card

or something. And only let myself write bullet points. So I couldn't read anything, but I remembered to hit everything. Because it's like, you don't want to get

halfway through and then see, oh, bright. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to hit that. So then you have a little cheat sheet, but if you write out sentences,

you're probably going to read them. I think that's like a big no-no. And that's going to come across as reading. Don't even allow yourself to do that, but if you worry out sentences you're probably going to read them i think that's going to come across as reading don't even allow yourself to do that but if you worry that you're going to forget something because that's what i was worried about i was just i mean have a little and ultimately at the end of the day if you are like horrific at this and you just need to get through it and read off the paper like just read the paper yeah like like the the main thing after all of this is that like it's not it's actually not that important. So if you really cannot speak in front of people and you just want to read something real quick, fine.

My one time I've done it thus far, I didn't even write anything. You freestyled. I didn't freestyle. I had bullet points. I had sentences on my phone. I never looked at it during the speech, but I was kind of always just altering those and looking at those. And I'd altered it and looked at it so much that I knew my points. I knew what I wanted to say.

I knew what order it was in. I mean, that's, you know, maybe at this point, maybe I could do it that way just because all I do is talk all day long and shit. But I had mine written out. I read it. I memorized it. I performed it, you know, to the mirror a couple times. There's nothing wrong with that.

But I find stuff easier to do with just kind of just writing a little bit at a time and then remembering it I don't even remember anything I said I don't remember anything either I don't remember what you said of mine it was awesome that's what I mean

it's not a big deal you think it it's high school cafeteria it would be funny if we could dig up footage we probably have a videographer right probably somewhere you can probably see my best man speech if we can dig it up

it's high school cafeteria and just inherent narcissism in humans I have a videographer, right? Probably somewhere, yeah. You'll probably see my best man speech. We can dig it up. It's high school cafeteria and just inherent narcissism in humans that you think it's so important. And no one is going to remember anything. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. You can knock it out of the park and people will be like, oh, that was a great best man speech. They get drunk on the dance floor. Two weeks.

Two minutes. Two minutes later. They might remember that it was a good one. I still remember my dad. Yeah. The one I was at when the maid of honor gave a really bad one, my dad was the best man. And he gave me – I remember being like, that was really, really good.

And I still remember it was really good, but I don't remember what he said. Mr. Fuzz is up there like, listen, my kids are going to be throwing condoms on the fucking driveway later. All right? We got to soak it in now and live it up. Yeah. So like Short sweet pg-13 make sure you mention the bride and uh be honest except for the parts that you have to lie at yeah thank the parents because like listen you are gonna there's gonna be plenty

people out there who are at a best man for a wedding with a chick that sucks you have to lie unless you're being honest like you definitely have to lie. Unless you're being honest. Like, you definitely have to lie. Don't be too drunk, right? Yeah, definitely don't be too drunk. How many drinks did you have before yours? I don't know, a couple. I'd say I think I had two or three. Yeah, because you don't be too drunk,

but don't be sober. Right. You're about to go give a speech in front of people. Another light bottle. It's very nerve-wracking. Be honest, accept when you're lying, and don't be too drunk, but don't be sober.

Apply that to life, my friends. You need to loosen up a little bit, but don't be like a drunk. John, were you nervous? Was I nervous? No. I think we were both nervous. I was nervous, yeah. I was very, very nervous.

Which I don't know why I wasn't. It was a smaller wedding, so I guess that probably played a factor. But also, this was after we'd done the Wilbur shit. So it's kind of. Oh, yeah, that's what I mean. Now I feel like it would be very different for me to give a speech. Back then it was like. Like when I did it, I was up there thinking, you guys are getting this shit for free.

People pay for this. I'm a pro, motherfucker. People buy tickets to see this fucking shit. You narcissistic motherfucker. That would be one way to start Listen, ordinarily people charge for this I charge for this But you people

I'm gonna break you up a couple crumbs here I'll give this to you for free Yeah, those are my main points And again, it doesn't really matter at the end of the day It doesn't matter Oh, I would also say this I would say, you know We said don't like tell jokes per se, but I do think it's the

time to let your dad jokes fly. I think it's a dad joke setting. You think so? Yes. I don't think I could tell. It's kind of one of those things where I don't enjoy puns, but I also can't do them. Uh-huh. And I don't enjoy dad jokes, but I also can't tell them.

I can't tell them. I love a good dad joke. Nate, now Nate had told me He wants his To just be like A walking cliche He's like I wanna like hit

I don't know I was like I don't know why He's like It would just be funny that way If I like You also make a mockery That's just classic Nate

Yeah He wants to make a mockery Of the whole like institution It will be funny to him And him alone He thinks it's the best bit ever Yeah Right in his face right now.

Crickets. I want it to be a cliche, and I want to make fun of Matt Harwich. Okay. Yeah, I'll be the guy in the back saying, told yourself. It's straight out of Wedding Crashers. They both like green, like the color of money. Nada. Nothing.

I wonder if there's anybody out there who has dropped the soul's counterpart of another. Oh, no doubt. Yeah, right? Those people are of another. Oh, no doubt. Yeah, right. People are fucking thieves. That's why as we've been talking about this, I've been writing mine in my head. And I'm not saying any of it because people will fucking steal it. And it looks like I stole it. I got three good lines already out of this.

Well, there you go. That's how you write it. So if you're given any best man speeches or if you have video of yours or any tips or any examples, whatever it may be, get at us on Twitter at KSU Radio. And good luck. Nate. Good luck, Nate. Nate, don't do what you think you should do. Nate, almost pretty much in life, always do the opposite of your instincts. You really are fucking good, Stan.

So do the opposite, dude. Do not do the cliche make fun of your instincts. You really are fucking Costanza. Do the opposite, dude. Do not do the cliche make fun of marriage thing.