KFC Radio - KFCradio: Dan Soder III

Episode Date: July 26, 2018

Dan Soder talks about the porn noises he used to make as a waiter at Dos Caminos, the squatty potty, and Jimmy Garoppollo getting his back blown out. Voicemail: Dick and balls view of porn or sleep on the casting couch, flex during sex, payback your fiance, walking uphill or through water, girls with guy bestfriends Episode presented by: SeatGeek promo code KFC for $10 offZipRecruiter ZipRecruiter.com/kfc to try for freeOMAX OmaxBoost.com/kfc for 70% offEero visit eero.com and at checkout select overnight shipping then enter <kfc > to make it free!FIXD www.listentomycar.com promo code KFC for 10% offYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode is brought to you by SeatGeek, the best place to buy and sell all tickets on the secondary market. You know the name, SeatGeek. It has taken over the ticket industry. Like, I used to think, oh, Ticketmaster or StubHub. That's it. Nope, that's crazy. And you know what I've always said? That's when, and I hate this word because everyone in the fucking office uses it and thinks they work on Wall Street.

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And I feel like he fits in perfectly here. So we had him come through. It's like he's not really promoting anything. He doesn't need to be here. He's on tour. He's on the Blackout Tour right now. Because that's how we did the Blackout Tour. We did no scheduling.

Indiana, West Virginia, Maine, New York. This doesn't make any fucking sense. No rhyme or reason. Why did we plan it in this order? Yeah. And that's kind of how Dan explains his tour date schedule. And it doesn't make any goddamn sense. Nope.

Nope. But I mean, he's always doing something to promote promote but it's not like there's a book or an event he's just come come through to hang out and i love hanging having him but i also hate him i hate him because he's just so much funnier than us i i think i think we need to have an intervention with you yeah yeah because you say that a lot and guess what kevin you're pretty fucking funny thanks man thanks dude maybe maybe i've just been fucking fishing for compliments this whole time maybe that's what it's maybe i've just been waiting for you to do it now come on you know dan soda's funnier than we are i mean yeah i know i i know a famous comedian is funnier than us yeah well i guess that yeah i guess maybe i just hold myself

to a higher standard but yeah there's just something when when he gets when he gets cooking it's like oh i i almost i i i considered asking uh these guys if they could like lower the volume of our laughing in the background because at one point we're just a fucking audience this is like keep going dan keep going keep telling jokes so we did a uh a few voicemails with him and uh he was just telling stories from his past. Let's get into it. Dan Soder, KFC Radio Collab, once again, is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. You want to find some funny people for your business? You want to find some guys as funny as Dan

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ZipRecruiter is the smartest way to hire. ZipRecruiter dot com slash KFC. I fell and I say, you know, I need a nap. You just went to sleep and I just went to sleep. You fell down and you didn't get up. Yeah, I was like, I was here for a couple hours. This has been that's a fucking weird move. That's a hangover.

This was all because you were very hungover. I was drunk. I was still hammered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was. Dude, were very hung over. I was drunk. I was blackout drunk. You were so hammered. Dude, I love drunk thinking like that, where you lay down and you go, I'm here. That's the same line of thinking that gets you in trouble on every

accord with drinking, whether it's like texting an ex, whether it's like any of that. It's that thought of like, I mean, so what? That's so what? I very vividly remember just staring up at a tree and being like, well, that'll provide me a pretty solid cover for a little while. Good enough.

All of a sudden, you're Bear Grylls. What is that, an aspen? That should be pretty good up here. Probably zonk out for two hours. Dude, you could have fucking died. That's what I said. That's how white people die. Oh, that's a white death.

That is a very white death. That's sailing death. Falling asleep in the woods is up there with base jumping and dying during sailing. I was in a bathing suit and a tank top, too. I wasn't prepared for the elements. We found him in the woods. When they have to put that together, because no coroner is going to put that together and go, we think he was drunk and he fell down and just said, fuck it.

The way they're going to look at it. There's no way that someone walks away with that going like, yeah, he just fell asleep. He just hit the ground and was like, fuck it, I'm here. That would be like an international manhunt. They'd be like, there must be a murderer. There's a murderer and he's not white. That's just how racist everything

is. It's like, dude, you just saying fuck it. Really? There was no way they'd be able to put that together. That's so illogical and so irrational that common minds could not figure it out. In the moment, it made the most perfect sense. And I do. Your parents totally would.

That made me think of that South Park episode where it's like Jean Benet Ramsey and all those people. And they're like, it was a black guy. Like you, your parents would have never known that you just died in the woods but but here's a creative if the police came to me i'd be like uh yeah listen here's the twist the twist is i genuinely believe that saved my life because that's what got me home then the nap for the two-hour nap sobered me up enough that i could say okay i can hear cars i gotta go to the to the street. I flagged down a cab, got in a cab, got back to the house we were staying at. And I came home to like a hero's welcome.

Everyone was just so thrilled to see me. Dude, you got to, that's like a kidnapper story. Like everything, if you start. I finally made it to the road and held down a car and I was gone. I just got free. If you start right when you woke up in the woods, it's a harrowing tale of a man that

escaped. But really, just put yourself there. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. I was kidnapped by alcohol. I heard what I thought was cars. I heard running water.

I knew. I could smell it. Like a Navajo. I could feel it. The whole reason that came up was because last night was I ate for the first time. Like I said, since Saturday. I ordered a pizza, and that just put my stomach in knots. Do you have a squatty potty?

What's that? Do you have a squatty potty? I don't have a squatty potty. Get your life together. Is that one of those ones where your legs are kind of up? It's the only way to poop. I've seen this, and I've seen the little diagrams, and I know that's how your body naturally is supposed to. You want to argue with math?

No, but here's the thing. You want to argue with science? Let me ask you something, Dan, because you clearly are a squatty potty guy. Enthusiast. Have you had some sort of problem with pooping previously? Never. I'm pretty good at pooping. I know how to do it.

I don't think I need to change it. I was fine with pooping. I would somewhat even say I was an excellent pooper. I became a better pooper with squatty potty. So what does that mean? It comes out faster, cleaner, quicker, better? Just like a clean break. Like a ghost poop?

You don't even feel it. You're like, yeah, I think I'm done. And then you look and you're like, wow, I'm really done. Yeah, it brings you back to when you first were potty training. And you're like, I'm a big boy. I just boom boomed in the toilet all by myself. But, dude, my roommate is like this fucking Mike Vecchione, hilarious comedian. Just this stocky dude from Youngstown, Ohio.

Okay, we're about to do a boxing fucking match out there in Youngstown. He's like fucking, you know, salt of the earth. They don't fuck around, yeah. Wrestled at Penn State. Like, he's just that dude. Hilarious comic, even though I described him like that. He's a hilarious comic. He's like, dude, I'm not using the squatty potty.

And then I got him on it. Fucking, it's so funny to watch him grab it out of the closet. I'm like, what's up? Oh, okay, that was going to be my big thing. You know, I don't leave it. It's stored, like, right by the toilet. A lot of women use squatty potties. A lot of women use squatty potties.

If you want to poop better, man or a woman, use a squatty potty. So what is it, like a device that you put over your toilet? You just put it around. It just comes around. You just put your feet up on it. So it's just like a step stool. Yeah, dude, all you're doing is you're playing catcher. You go from playing second base to playing catcher. Got it, got it. And it's just like a step stool. Yeah, dude, all you're doing is you're playing catcher. You go from second base to playing catcher. Got it, got it.

And it's not hard on your knees. You're just up, and you're just fucking ready there, and then you're just dropping. Dropping signs. To me, the idea of like putting away a step stool every time I take a shit is not worth it. You're right, but then you shit with it, and you're like,

you know what? I'm so wrong. I'm going to have to try it. No strain. No strain. It just falls out of you. Dude, the Far East, they know a lot of shit. I know. These Asians have been pooping this way for thousands of years. They have way more.

You look at how white Westerners live, and we're just like, tighten. Force it. Force the poop out. We got like bins popping. I'm a known bad pooper, so I probably should check it out. Just promise me this. Do it before the next time i come on kfc radio okay and then the next time you can be like i'm sorry you were so right all these people that are doubting me right now changing i wanted i wanted to get custom made axe capital squatty potties for the entire cast i'm still trying to

do it but it's i get high and I look up custom squatty potty and I'm like, I just give up. I would have to imagine you are like the only person who has Googled custom squatty potty. Hell no. You think this is squatty potty culture now? I mean, if there is, I want to be a part of it. I don't want to get pooped on. I just want to talk about how great my poops are.

There's a distinct difference. We need a scene in Billions where you're just like in a stall at ax capital. And you're just like, for some reason, you know, it's like the normal,

like setting of a, you know, the camera angle, except like your knees are just see my fucking nice shoe. The 10, the nice tennis shoes. They give me up on a squatty potty and spoiler alert. It would be at Mason capital.

Oh, so flip teal at the breaking news. Wow. I mean, the episodes out. So I'm not like ruining it. Mason news. Wow. I mean, the episode's out, so I'm not ruining it. Mason Capital. What a turncoat, huh? Dude, I didn't like it.

No, I was going to say, when you, as an actor, if the script comes out and it's something you don't like, are you like, fuck? I don't like myself anymore? I was bummed out, and I walked into the table read, and Damian Lewis was like, why'd you do me like that? I'm like, no! I don't want to!

Stop! I don't want to do this! This is stupid! But then I talked to Brian Koppelman and David Levine, and they explained kind of how they saw it. And I was like, oh shit, that's a really good point. Taylor's always stuck up for that character. No, it's not to say that it's a bad storyline. It's funny to watch people tweet, though.

Like, yo, man, I've gotten tweets where they're like, fuck you! to say that it's like a bad storyline. It's funny to watch people tweet, though. Yeah, like, yo, man, I've gotten tweets where they're like, fuck you. And you're like, you're an idiot. It's not real. My buddy Shane and I

were playing Madden and I was making fun of that because we were playing Madden and I was the Panthers and I threw three picks with Cam Newton. And on the third pick, I go, I'm going to

fucking tweet at him. And I was like, dude, there's people that actually do that. Yeah, man. People do it, the football players in particular get it bad with fantasy.

Yeah. They're always like, I don't give a fuck about your fantasy team yeah i'm playing for my next contract and for my mom yeah i gotta play for a house and three kids i had when i was at auburn yeah you're like you're worried because you're fucking the scoot suit the zoot suits aren't fucking doing well this week and you're not gonna get the hundred dollar fucking i got cte for some fictitious point system yeah that's a bunch of dudes gonna be blowing their chests out in 15 years for some guy that was in an office pool they're uh then you got the on the other side of things got the

nba guys who are tweeting like their own 2k rankings you see back the other day like the fuck i'm only in 87 that's pretty tough when, a very popular product puts a number on you. Like, you're only worth this much. Dude, if there was a comedy 2K18. That's what I'm saying. And they were doing stand-ups, and I'd be like, I'm a fucking 83? I got fucking a Netflix and a Comedy Central special. I have a little fucking respect.

Have you seen the rankings on iTunes, bro? You want to check the downloads? I'm like, oh, really? They're a 91. They're a 91. I would for sure do that. I think they'd follow me. Put me in the fucking ring with them. I would lose my mind. Absolutely, man.

If fucking 2K does a comedy 2K18, I'm in trouble. 2K19? I will pander to you. I will do whatever you want. Give me a high, mid-90s. I would immediately go in and change it. Just bump it all up. Not to 99. I'm not an asshole, but maybe a 91. You need that 9 handle.

At least a 90. Come on, dude. I've been in this game 15 years. You need that nine handle. At least a 90. Yeah, come on. Come on, dude. I've been in this game 15 years. You're telling me I can't get a 90? I fucking spilled some blood. Yeah, that's got to be fucking deflating when you turn on that. I mean, Ben Simmons at an 87 is disrespectful.

That is super disrespectful. Yeah, he can't fucking shoot the ball. He can't hit a three-pointer if his life depended on it. That's what Jason Tatum had. So Ben Simmons and Jason Tatum are the same exact level? The ones fucking shoot the ball. He can't hit a three-pointer of his life dependent on it. That's what Jason Tatum had. So Ben Simmons and Jason Tatum are the same exact level? But one's a rookie of the year. I feel like rookie of the year should bump you up a little bit. They're probably thinking, too, like, you know, we got to leave room for growth.

You know, like when Ben Simmons hits his prime, he's going to be a 95. So we can't make him a 95 right now. You saying that kind of just swung me because now I'm like, oh, yeah, if they gave the rookie of the year an 87, they really are like, this is a good rookie year. They're pretty good. Yeah. But I get Ben Simmons being like, what the fuck, man? I'm just hoping as like I like to see the Sixers.

I'm a Nuggets fan. Shout out Isaiah Thomas. Welcome to the family. Boy, did things not go the way he thought they were going to go. You know what, though? I'm kind of fine with this, man. If he's got to go a long way to redeem himself with Mike Malone. You're fine with this. Isaiah Thomas is of fine with this, man. If he's got to go a long way to redeem himself with Mike Malone. You're fine with this.

Isaiah Thomas is not fine with this. Oh, hell no. I remember when he was still in Boston, because I'm from Boston. When he was still in Boston the last year before he got traded, it was like I think he finished fourth in the MVP voting or something like that. Every single day he'd be Instagramming himself in the gym with, get ready to back up the Brinkstruck. Brinkstruck, yeah.

Did you see the fucking memes that went around? the, it was a little toy dump truck with pennies in it. And they were like, the Nuggets backed up the truck. And it was just like changed. Well, what did he get? He signed a minimum for a vet for one year. But he's going to, I mean, I really think as a Nuggets fan, I love it because it's like, all right, now you just got to hear it.

Absolutely. To ball out. This guy has everything to prove. It's his coach from Sacramento, so he knows the guy. Jokic. I mean, there's a lot of guys. I love fucking Murray and Will Barton. There's a lot of young guys.

He's in a good spot. I just want to get to the playoffs. The last two years, we've always a game or two short of getting in the playoffs. Always the Blazers or someone like that. The Wolves last year. Timber Wolves. I just want the Nuggets to get to the playoffs. You know that's like the worst thing you can be

though is just perpetually stuck in that no man's land. Oh yeah. I mean dude it was like that with Mello for fucking years. For like six years. It was just the first round and the Spurs would just beat the piss out of us. Yeah like you don't want that. You get the late round pick. No one of value there. Nothing really.

The worst place to be. A mid market value there. He sold a few extra tickets. A mid-market? Yeah. You can't convince someone that we're one free agent away. I did it to myself. I could have stayed all Bay Area because of my dad.

I'm a Niners Giants fan and I could have picked up the Warriors. In 1992 or 91, I told my dad I was like, I'm going to be a Nuggets fan. Is that like the run TMC? Yeah, it was right when run TMC ended. Oh, so you really were. I was living in Denver with my mom, and I was like, I need a Denver team, but I didn't like the Broncos, and the Rockies weren't around.

You should have just taken the Avalanche and been safe. Avalanche weren't around, dude. Oh. That's in 96. Yeah, okay. This was 91, 92, so I was like, I'm going to be a Nuggets fan. And then I just went fucking all in on the Nuggets. And then they beat the Sonics in 94 with Dikembe. Yeah, okay. This is 91, 92. So I was like, I'm going to be a Nuggets fan. And then I just went fucking all in on the Nuggets. And then they beat the Sonics in 94 with Dikembe.

Yeah, that was the first eight seed ever win, right? Yeah, eight over a one. And I was like, this is the best decision I've ever made in my life. That picture of Dikembe holding the ball, laying on his back. In that moment, it was great. You know what they don't show you? They don't show you the series after that when the Jazz threw it in deep. Yeah.

Real hard. Go to the Western Conference Finals. They do not show that fucking highlight. You're like, yeah, guys, I remember that next series because as a kid, I remember Carl Malone and John Stockton making me cry twice. Great job, you. Stop it. The Alfonso Ellis have the ball.

The Alfonso. It's fucking here. And then now I'm watching all my cousins enjoy the Warriors, all my cousins from the Bay Area. Yeah, man. The Dubs. You just started calling them the Dubs. Right.

Yeah, I mean, out of every fucking fan base in the world, the Warriors have got to be the absolute most. They're behind this. They make everybody cry now. I saw a tweet that's one of my favorite tweets ever the other day. It was an older tweet, but it was just breaking down the difference between Steph and KD. It said, KD will put eight on you every quarter for the rest of his life.

Steph will have you thinking, why did I even become a basketball fan in five minutes? Yeah. Why did I do this? He's so fucking good. And I almost feel like you're – let's assume you're a real warriors fan which you're probably not if you're listening you're a warrior definitely got pushed out of the bay area by the tech boom right you definitely are like a dude it's fucking like oh my god it's the warriors i i think it was like you're a fan they're on the come up it was great then they then they

win it's awesome they almost became like too good in a way they're duke but I think it's become, it's probably fun again to be like, I'm literally- Well, now you're a bad guy. Now you've gone full heel. Now you're a villain. And it's like, yep. And we got boogie cousins. And no one's going to beat us. We are.

And you're going to cry about how we're bad for the league. And we should change the rules. Oh, that's- They should do like a Dr. Claw thing. I mean, yeah. Trust me. It's awesome. Oh, we're just loving it.

Yeah, the Patriots, yeah. Well, I got to thank you because Jimmy Garoppolo is about to win multiple Super Bowls in San Francisco. Jimmy is going to be good. I hope he is. He's not busy balls deep inside a fucking washed up porn star. Dude, I don't care how he gets it out. Get the venom out. Get ready to win.

What were your thoughts on that move? Loved it, dude. Yeah? I loved it, dude. My middle school best friend is the run game coordinator for the 49ers. Yeah, right, right. You remember me telling you this. So it's like, I just hung out with him in San Francisco.

I mean the porn star move. Hell yeah. Yeah, you down? Hell yeah. That's what I said during press in San Francisco, and I mean this shit. He's the new Ric Flair. He's getting money. He's out, you know.

Woo! Space Mountain, baby. As long as you perform, though. I'm just saying, you can't be out with porn stars I don't want him like falling in love with her and chasing her

and being like I'm gonna save her if he turns into she's 41 too dude good for him cause he he got his back blown out yeah man

I was gonna say she she fucks him like yeah there wasn't a thing where he was like he just walked in and was like

I guess you just do what you do and then everyone's like can you believe he's dating a porn star it's like, he just walked in and was like, I guess you just do what you do. And then everyone's like, can you believe he's dating a porn star? Did he say he's dating? He took her out on a date? Right. I mean, I think it's weird to be walking on her ass. If I show up to a park with an NBA player,

I'm probably playing two-on-two. I'm not fucking sitting there just talking. I think we know we're getting down to business. But I did think, I think it was a weird move to have them holding hands I wouldn't have held their hand it was a little more intimate than it should have been I don't know

no she's not we all know that a 41 year old porn star is not a human how dare you she said uh she said that Jimmy G is going gonna go win a super bowl because everything she touches turns to gold yeah which is that is such stripper confidence it's crazy especially from a 41 year old who like we all learned about because she's fucked jimmy g now

like you've been touching a lot of dicks and a lot of fucking film sets everything nobody's gold what if though you looked at everyone she fucked and there was like this weird fucking. Like a trend. Yeah. I went on to become a CEO. Like Forrest Gump pussy. Like it just like just intersects with history in a way where you're like, oh, my God. Do you know that she fucked Barack Obama when he was in law school?

Elon Musk. Elon threw it in deep. It's just like crazy. Like Jeff Bezos used to fuck her. Oh, my God. This woman was right. crazy. Jeff Bezos used to fuck her? Oh my god. This woman was right. She was like, I wanted to fuck, so I fucked.

When I slept, I slept. When I ate, I ate. Oh man. Dude, I love it. Everyone successful. I'm going to believe it. Go Niners. Imagine you found that out yourself. You find the trend. I gotta going to believe it. Go Niners. Imagine you found that out yourself. You find the trend.

Yeah. I got to go fuck this girl. You guys just come to my apartment. There's a cork board. I just have strings. I go, now, this is going to sound crazy. She fucks Edgar Renterio. Now, Edgar Renterio is the money man, and I want you to follow this.

He's the money man for Apple. And they're like, dude, how long have you spent on this? I'm like, five days. I haven't slept. I'm real fucked up. Cigarettes burning. Yeah, it's like the episode of Always Sunny when they're in the mail room. Yo, you could not have picked a better name than Edgar Renteria.

I was going to say, where did Edgar Renteria come from? I mean, that is the difference between guys like you and guys like us. You're fucking funny, man. Edgar and Theria is just that made it all come together there. He has an estate in Florida, which does not have a sales tech. Again, follow me here. Now you go overseas. She fucked also.

Yeah. Bring us. I hope that that sex brought us a Super Bowl. I mean, she said something. He said he's sexy and respectable as fuck. Respectable as fuck Super Bowl. I mean, she said something. She said he's sexy and respectable as fuck. Respectable as fuck. Dude. That means like what?

He didn't like spit on your face? He like, you know. Oh, you don't know. You could have asked first. May I? She's like, you may. She's like, thank you. My tie spit in your mouth, cum pig.

And she's like, you may. Just a very aggressively porno respectable sex. May I dump on your tits? You shall. Yeah! Thank you. Cumpig. Yeah, shout out to David Tell.

I heard him say that for the first time. That is maybe the meanest thing I've ever heard. I just heard David Tell say that on stage one time, and I was like, what the fuck? The funniest person of all time. Yeah, is that your number one? David Tell's your guy, your number one? I think he's Yoda. I think it's like hard.

I mean, Chappelle's my number one, but like the importance of David Tell is very underlooked. It's like he's fucking the best. Go listen to Skanks for the Memories. Just see how many fucking classic jokes there are in everything where you've seen

other people do similar jokes, but not just as fucking great as David Till. Look how big. He had, Coley was telling me, I forget what his show

was on. Insomniac. Insomniac. I was like, that was a long time. I was in college and that shit was on. It was perfect.

Yeah, Tell's been around, man. There's like, there's this crazy, if you have HBO Go, you can see man. There's this crazy... If you have HBO Go, you can see it. There's this crazy special called The Young Comedian Special.

It's from 1997. It's Chappelle, Louis C.K., and Dave Attell are three of the four guys. And they're, like, young. Like, early 20s. It's called The Young Comedians. It's HBO special. Just go to the HBO comedy specials and it's on there.

And it's like, you fucking see the lineup and you're like, oh, three legends, three of the greatest that ever did it. And then another guy, I forget who the other guy is. That poor bastard. It's like Harlan Williams where you're like, eh, decent career. Nothing to shake a stick at. But you're like fucking Louis, Chappelle, Attell. And then it's like weird because all three of them, they're like young.

So they're not really doing their act the way it is now. But you see glimpses of it. Where you're like, oh, that's Chappelle. You see like Chappelle do a little bit of a Chappelle. And then like Attell be a little bit of like, nah, I'm getting there. And like Louis is doing like straight up jokes. And then he like, you know, gets real personal at one point. You're like, it's fucking super funny.

What do you think for your boy Louis? what's like the move here 2019 you just you just lay low and then come back and do your thing dude bill burr called it years ago paula dean was back on the air in fucking three months yeah louis will be back you think you need to like change or address it or you just do it he's gonna come out through i my guess as a comedian is he'll come out with a bit that is apologetic and hilarious and makes everyone feel like shit for judging him too much that's my idea he always has those jokes where you're like louis was the king of when he was working a lot like you would have a premise and then you'd see him drop into the cellar and then he would do that premise 50 times better

than you ever could and you're like damn it fuck, fuck that joke. You just crumple it up. You're like, thanks Louie. But that's happened a lot with Rock and other. You see it's just parallel thinking but then you see just how fucking good they are. I suck, you stupid idiot. You're on the right path. You have the right idea. You just see them execute it

and you're like, fuck. It's one of those things where that's what I love about being a New York comic is you just see those guys working out and you're like in the same gym like if you're over at the like if you're an athlete just looked over and saw like one of your heroes i said that to louis one time he showed up at the cellar and you know they usually just put him on but i was supposed to go up and he's like nah man you can you know i was like down in the hallway and he's like you can go up i was like oh thanks man he's like you're the one booked and i was like yeah but you're i go this is the's like, you can go up. I was like, oh, thanks, man. He's like, you're the one booked. And I was like, yeah, but you're.

I go, this is the only job where you can show up and you're heroes sitting at your desk. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, do you want to do it? You want to do the paperwork? I'm pretty sure people would rather watch you do that. No, no.

I'm kind of new here. He's like, hey. But he was like laughed about it. He's like, I know. Let's go. You know. And then you're like fucking. So I think, yeah, I panic after that. I'd be. Yeah i'd be yeah well then it's like dude i had a fucking real okay set

one time like real mediocre got off stage and louis was standing there i was like of course of course great timing you watched me do underwhelming yeah fantastic uh we got some voicemails here for you we're gonna play some calls and get weird with it as we do. So let's let it rip. Hey, what's up fellas. It's Andrew from Wisconsin. Just calling with a quick, would you rather, would you rather have all the porn that you watch have to be that view where it's just dudes, balls and asshole fucking slamming into a chick, all zoomed up for a year.

Or would you rather have to sleep on the casting couch for a month? For sake of argument, let's just go ahead and say that the couch has never been washed or anything. And to make it hard for fights, let's say that the dick in the porn is less than impressive. All right. I love that you're that guy. I mean, we're all that guy, but you wear that. Underwhelming dick. I mean, I don't that guy, but you wear that. Underwhelming dick? Yeah, I don't want to

want to point a little dick in it. Oh, man. We've had this debate many times where there are certain guys in the office who are like, they like a small dick because basically they're insecure and they're like,

well, I don't want to be put to shame by this guy. And then there are some of us who are on the page of like, give me a fucking 12-inch hammer because I want to see some weird shit on it. I want to see some little tiny. I don't know if it's because I was raised

by women, but like with a giant dick, I'm always going, is that girl all right? Yeah, but that's what I mean. I want to make sure she's got a nice, pleasant dick. I want enough that I know there's an air being pushed out. Yeah, I don't want her fucking having to do breathing exercises to get through the scene. See, I think I'm at the point

of kidney stone when you or taking a huge dick? When you need to do Lamaze for your sex, it might be too much. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because those porn guys only have that one speed. They just have like breathe through the teeth like, yeah. That's what I want, I think. I think I want it to be some weird shit. I'm fine with a big.

It doesn't have to be a circus dick. Horn, yeah, exactly. I'm actually concerned with the woman as well. I don't want it to be a small dick, because I'm like, she's not enjoying herself here. And then you know it's fake. The casting couch guy does have a pretty pedestrian dick. Yeah. For the fucking work he puts in, it's a pretty normal dick.

There's things I wonder about the question. Do I get my own pillow to sleep on the casting couch? I think you're just straight up on the black leather. Face to black leather? Hell no. I'll take an underwhelming dick all day. I don't think I will do that on any couch. The black leather is sweaty and all that shit. If it's the cum couch. I slept on a black couch before.

It was alright. It's the worst. Leather couches are fucked. I slept in the woods the other day. I sleep anywhere. You're not the best barometer. One time Port Authority. It's not that. Leather couches are fucked. I mean, you also slept in the woods the other day. Yeah, no, I sleep anywhere. You're not the best barometer here. You want to tell the Port Authority? It's not that bad. I had, sleeping on leather couches is the worst. Your face sticks.

It sucks. All this is true. That's why it's awful. It's too hot when it's hot. It's too cold when it's cold. Just sweat all over it. It's sticky. It's noisy.

2007 to 2009, I worked at K-Rock when they brought it back in New York. 92.3, which is now Alternative again. Yeah, they went back. Fuck you, CBS Radio. Thanks for firing me in 09. Now you're back? Eat a dick. Not salty at all, though.

Not at all. Just I stay holding on to it like Belichick. I stay holding on to it. That's why the Cleveland didn't get Garoppolo. It's exactly like. No, I know. My buddy told me that this weekend. A billion percent.

Yeah, hell love it. Love it. That made me love Belichick even more. I get it. Oh, multiple first rounders? Nah, I'll take a second. Give me half the price. I used to work the 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. shift on Saturday mornings, and I'd go out and do stand-up and get fucking hammered and sleep on.

I found this couch at K-Rock that I could sleep at from like 2 to 6, like 1 to 6. And I go in there and sleep, and then someone was like, you know that's like the leather couch from Opie and Anthony. It was in Opie and Anthony's studio, and I was sleeping like face on leather, and I was like, ah, ah, ah. So it just reminded me of that casting couch thing where I was like, no, no, I'll take underwhelming dick all day. No, it's not underwhelming.

It's the balls angle. Right, yes. Which with an underwhelming dick, day. No, it's not underwhelming. It's the balls angle. Right, yeah. It's not underwhelming. Which with an underwhelming dick, I thought. Oh, is it both? Yeah. Okay. But his big qualifier here was it's the balls and the ass.

You know what? I've run into a problem here. Then you listen just for the audio. It's thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop. You said that's, yeah. What's the porn site? The Tushy. They kind of burst on the scene.

They do. I think the guys are bleaching their assholes because I get distracted. I'm like, I'm trying to watch the porn. I'm like, that dude's asshole is so fucking pink. You're like, what is going on? You're now watching porn for the male talent's asshole. No, I have to change it. I'm like, because it's just screaming at you.

I'm like, what is that guy's asshole doing there? Oh, she's sexy. But his butt is just too clean. It's right there. It's screaming at you. You're like, what is that guy's asshole doing there? Oh, she's sexy. But his butt is just too... It's right there. It's happening. Maybe, John, maybe Tushy is referring to the mail tower. There have been multiple Tushy scenes where I'm like, what the fuck? It is ridiculous.

It looks like that Phillies fucking logo. Just a circle around it. Red is a red circle. It's the fucking... It's the red circle of death in Xbox. I'm like, I gotta change the channel here. Do you want a sloppy butt hole? Yeah. I mean, it's the red circle of death in Xbox. I'm like, I gotta change the channel here. Do you want a sloppy butthole? Yeah.

I mean, it's much like the dick. It's like, do you want like they got the tan lines and they're all smooth and apparently they're bleached? Yeah, what do you want? You want dolphin butt or you want plumber butt? Something normal. Just like whatever is normal. If you could tell it's too meticulously bleached.

All right, well, no, no. I'm going to hit you with another would you rather than. I'm talking like, you know, Ron Jeremy disgusting, or do you want it to be pretty? I think I'm taking the pretty. I guess, I guess, yeah. In this case, I got to go pretty, don't I? Nah, man. You're going dirty, asshole.

Okay, Dan. Just because I don't want to feel like. Like you're attracted to the male ass? No, no, not at all. I don't care about that. I would feel about me, because basically when you watch porn, you think about yourself being in there, and I'd be like, I'd rather her be comfortable with an already kind of dirty butt. You know?

That way, if anything, I'm cleaner. So she's like, this guy fucking, yeah. I don't know. This shaved Adonis coming in there with an immaculate butthole. And then she'd be like, oh, God, who's this roller rink trash on top of me? I'm like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know we were going to do this. I wasn't prepared. I didn't clean my butt Normally I'd shave my butt And she'd be like You're making me dry You're drying me out The casting couch is

I mean it is It's a piece of like folklore at this point I mean you see Isn't it now just a whole Me Too movement? Isn't that what the casting couch is based on? Like why fucking all these Hollywood producers are like, these guys are animals. Basically. There's a whole genre of porn.

Guys, we could have seen that there was smoke. Yeah. This really took off. People were into it for a reason. The one thing I do have for the defense of the casting couch, though, he doesn't finish on it a lot. It's usually just a little bit of sex. In them or on them. But, you know, I feel like that guy,

he's weird. He's got the Vince McMahon steroid body going on. He's got that huge scar down his arm. He's a little dick. I remember this guy vividly. You have a specific scene pointed out. There was a period of time. I remember it being weirdly in shape

but also fat. But the scar I did not recall. I think he also picked up the herp that's like the jet that's the rumor oh this is like one specific guy yeah okay like a like a randy west like randy west used to do up and comers i was referencing because he had a tiny dick and made the most he made the funniest cum noises where he just goes oh yeah i mean i've said this before in the bonfire but it's true me and this old waiter I worked with would do Randy West Tuesdays. And every time we'd fill up people's water in the restaurant, we'd just go, yeah, yeah. And people would be like, huh?

And it would just catch me from across the restaurant. Shout out Sam Podell. We used to do that all the time. We'd be pouring it in just Randy West Tuesdays. Because I was a lunch closer at fucking Dos Caminos. And I'd be pouring water and just Randy West Tuesdays because I was a lunch closer at fucking Dos Caminos and I'd be pouring water and I'd just be like yeah.

Hit him with the fucking porn star yeah. That's like some real life super trooper shit. You play games to get through your job. Hell all the time.

Randy West Tuesdays is maybe the funniest shit I've ever heard. Dude I. Imagine him just like pouring for like a family of four like a couple of girls.

Do we do it with everybody? We didn't give a fuck. No but you wouldn't be like you wouldn't be like aggressive with it. You'd just, like, pouring for, like, a family of four, like, a couple of girls? Dude, we do it with everybody. We didn't give a fuck. No, but you wouldn't be, like, aggressive with it. You'd just be, like, pouring the water. You'd just go, yeah. And they're like, huh? Would people ever look at you?

Yeah, all the time. They're like, what? You'd be like, yeah, was that good? And you're just like, you gotta fucking go with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah? Yeah? Is that... Oh, fuck yeah.

That's the one I really wanted to hit. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, fuck yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. That's the one I really wanted to hit. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, fuck yeah. Oh, fuck, that water's so full. Oh, fuck. Get all the water. The cubes shake out. The fact that I wasn't fired, the fact that I put up four and a half years there is impressive.

You were there for a long time. Fucking long haul, dude. I watched the crash happen in 08. Really? Dude, as a waiter, I made so much money that day because we were right around Black Rock. We were right around fucking Bear Stearns. We were right around all these major- Living out real life billions type of shit.

Yeah, man. People ask me, they're like, how's billions? I was like, dude, I did four and a half years of prep being ignored by those cocksuckers every time I walk to the table and they're like, whatever, bro, hold on. That girl Amber that's in fucking financing, it's like, they wouldn't look at me. I'm just like, yeah, man, I gotta get a guacamole order from you. I just got double sat

because these hostesses are fucking morons. Again, no grudge or anything. All day, Belichick, baby. Keep it with you. Then you win championships. But yeah, dude, I watched the crash in 08 because there was always a dead time between like 2 and 4 p.m.

where it was just dead. I could go outside and smoke cigarettes, eat guacamole in the fucking hutch, just kick it. And all of a sudden, these fucking dudes in suits came in just drinking. We had a huge cafe.

So they'd be like, let me get a Patron margarita. That's a fucking $14 margarita. I'm like, then. And then they would order it. I'm like, then. And I'm like, why am I killing it? And then it's like, on the news, they're like, the housing market has crashed. It's like everything.

There's drinking and then there's like my life's over drinking. Dude, their life was over drinking. There was a dude throwing up downstairs at like a man, like a fuck. Someone's dad was like hammered, just yak and guacamole and margaritas. And walked back upstairs and orders another one. Dude, they had their expense accounts. Yeah. Did I walk that day?

If you're a waiter, you'll know what's up. On a lunch close, Midtown. So usually I'm walking with 110 on a lunch close. I walked that day with 290. Yikes. Fucking walked out. And I tipped heavy. I tipped out my fucking Bussers and my bartender heavy.

And I fucking still walked with 290. So thank you, Crash of 2008. Yeah, there was one man who prospered. When blood runs in the streets, Dan Soder is there. The waiters fucking serve it up to you in a glass. Woo! More blood? Oh, fuck yeah. And then it got real bad.

And then everyone stopped coming to lunch. And then there's no money to be spent on $14 margaritas. You're like, fuck. There was this guy before the crash that would come in. We had this tequila, this 1800 collection, and it was $250 a shot. And we had this gorgeous bartender from New Zealand. She was so hot. And this fucking guy would come in once a month

and get fucking two 1800 Collections margaritas. That's such a piss of money. Like, can you mix that up with the sugary mix? Yeah, fucking sugar water. And then he would $500 and fucking walk out and leave her like $100, and I was always like, man, motherfucker.

Motherfucker won't sit at my tables. I got the cocktail section, you asshole. That was always the thing is we had like a bunch of cute girls that worked. That was the best part about being single at that time was like, when you work at a restaurant, it's so incestuous. Just when someone gets hired, you're like, who are you? We're going to date. Hopefully we're going to date.

It's just that kind of thing. But, dude, they were like really cute girls that would wait tables there. And they would start the tables because I'd be busy or whatever. So they'd come up and be like, hey, guys, I'm Devin. And they'd be like, let's get four margaritas, guys. Right, Devin? I wish you could have one. And then I'd be like, hey, I'm your waiter.

And they'd be like, fuck. All the time. They'd be like, fuck, who is this guy? And I'm like, hey, my name's Dan. Our specials today are Puyo and Royo. It's a chicken cutlet filled with. Fuck you, dude. Get Devin back.

I gave up a table in time. I was just like, just fucking take it. These guys don't want me. I'm not fucking doing this. That's worse than the 2K rating, man. That's some brutal self-esteem killing right there. Dude, a waiting table? An Applebee's 2K18?

I would come in with a 9. I'd be a legend. You'd have to unlock me just for the lunch shift. You'd be like, oh, my God, it is unlocked lunch closer Dan. Let's do it. Hey, KFC. Fight Super Producer BC. First time caller.

Actually calling on behalf of a friend. So last week she hooked up with this super hot lifeguard, but while they were doing it from behind, she happened to turn around at one point to look at him, and she caught him flexing and staring at his arm. American Psycho. Patrick Bateman, baby. Is this guy going to be overlooked,

or is this guy a straight American psycho and she should run? Oh, so I was going to say the problem here is that this girl, girls don't know American psycho and Bateman. They think he's actually just being a psycho and he's actually just, you know, doing a movie scene. But she seems to know that. I think this is okay. He's doing the Bateman. I don't know. I mean, it's an asshole move.

As a sexual partner. It's an asshole move. But I'm saying, like, it's not like he was doing. If he was doing something completely original, I think he is a psycho. Really? I think he's an asshole. Oh, I give more credit for originality. Yeah.

He's like, I sign language to myself. I think you're an asshole for like, I'm going to reenact my favorite movie scene. But I think if you're doing your own version of Bateman, you are a crazy person. Maybe just, I don't know. Is that one of those things where he was just feeling himself and he's like, I look fucking good. Because I feel like that would be, that's like a Curb Your Enthusiasm thing where you're like, you have body issues and finally you get a good body. And you look and you're like, oh, fuck. And you're like, fucking why not? And then she looks back and it's like, she looks back and it's boom, boom, boom, boom.

And you're like, no, no, no, I wasn't, I wasn't fucking, oh, God. I was stretching. That's where I boom, boom, boom. No, no, no. I wasn't fucking that. Oh, God. I was stretching. That's where I would. I would melt down if she caught me like, I wasn't doing that. I'll do that. I'll catch it. I'll do it to myself.

Not fucking. But just like I'm walking out of the bathroom. Oh, all right. Hey, God. Morning skinny works for me. I feel like in the morning I'm not as fat for some reason. The only time I've really enjoyed my own body during sex is like one time i caught my shoulders and i was like what's up a little definition when you're just pumping you're like

i hope she's seeing are you saying that's some good shoulder meat i think it's only like a male thing though because a girl could do whatever i've seen girls yeah she could play with herself she could lick her own tits if a girl looked at herself in the mirror, I'd be like, I'm done. I'm done. Yeah, absolutely. Some chick is looking back at her own ass, being like, I'm fucking hot. It's like, God. Yeah.

So they can do that. Ladies, take note. Yeah, look back at it. You just had three guys start fucking screaming like a chimps in a zoo cage. I mean, they're fucking porns. They're fucking like doggy. And she's just making out with her reflection. Yeah.

That's a lot. That's a lot. I'd almost be like, you filthy bitch. I haven't cleaned that mirror in a month. Oh, yeah. A month. I was going to say ever. Ever.

I smoke a lot of weed in my room. So it turns out it gets dusty. Yeah. Listen, if you're a chick and you do anything, you reach back and do something to yourself during doggy style. If you finger your own ass, I will put a ring on it, bro. What are you fucking dancing around for? But I'm saying, like, you squeeze it, you slap it, but if you finger your own ass, I will give you a fucking ring right down the middle. I'm saying if a woman looks in the mirror at herself the same way this guy did, you're like, yeah.

Yeah, right, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. yourself the same way this guy did you're like yeah yeah right absolutely yeah yeah a guy does it it's like you're weird or you're lame or you're a psycho or you're narcissistic and a girl does it it's like you're just being sexy yeah so i'd give him another shot i don't think i'd write him off you don't think it's a deal breaker nah give him one more shot i mean it's definitely like a i guess it also depends on you know if he's like a fat guy i think it's kind of funny he's a lifeguard then he's hot as shit this guy's hot as shit yeah depends on if he's a fat guy. I think it's kind of funny. He's a lifeguard.

Then he's hot as shit. Then married. This guy's hot as shit. Yeah. No, if he's an overweight dude, he's funny. That's what I'm saying. An overweight guy doing Bateman is hilarious. You're like, can you please be my husband?

I don't know. The more we're talking about it, I don't know if there's any way that you can just get away with it, even if you're fat. Because then you're just thinking, all right, dude, you can't possibly. Well, here's the thing. If you get caught Bateman-ing, you have to have a conversation about it. You can't just be like, yo, is that like a thing you're into? Like, are you into your own body?

And he's like, no, I'm fucking gross. Yeah, it's a joke, bitch. It's hilarious. I saw you see me. You think I would just do that when you're fucking getting fucked? Come on. I want to be easier. Yo, Bateman-ing. Yeah. Everybody out there, go Bateman this weekend. Go Bateman. No, do it. yo Bateman. Yeah. Everybody out there. Go Bateman. Don't Bateman. No, do it. No, do it.

Jason. Jason Bateman. Be polite. Be fun. Be very likable. Do not Patrick Bateman. You Jason Bateman. Hi guys.

So I have a question for you. My fiance has been covering my rent for the last couple months because he's a good gentleman. I just got a job. You bitch. She's going to say you have to start paying. And they are going to be paying me

all the commission I should have been making for the last six months. I wasn't getting the commission because I was only part-time and now I'm going to full-time. So it's going to be a rather large check. Do I pay him all the money that I owe him or should he just be a gentleman?

You were out. She was going good. God damn it, you're like a drug dealer. You were out. You was going good. God damn it. You're like a drug dealer. You were out. You had all the money. You just go to the island, retire. You had it.

And she's like, or is he going to be a decent dude and just take it? Financially take it right in his little pee hole. Yeah, I would say take him out to dinner and offer and let him make the choice. What about maybe not just going like straight cash? What if it's like, you know, you get him something nice or you go on a nice trip? That's what I'm saying. Take him to a vacation. Be like, listen, I got all this money.

I want to take you. Thanks for helping me cover my rent. Right. So we're going to go to Mexico. It's a fiance. We're going to get married. This is our money. Your money is money.

Yeah. If you say it like that, like this is our money. Your money is money. Yeah. If you say it like that, like this is our money. We just got a lot of money. Then he feels more like, okay, yeah, that's what this is. As opposed to like,

be a good boy and I'm going to fucking go buy a new bag. Right. Fuck. Yeah, definitely. I would say that too. If you don't want to,

you know, do reparations here, fine. But if you go out and you blow your new commission on a fucking Prada bag, I'm going to be pretty upset knowing that I've been paying your shit for the past six months. Yeah.

If she's like, do you want to go to Jamaica? Can you take a week off? Let's go to a trip to Jamaica with our money. We got some money. You say like we, our. Yeah. I think it's easy to get away with that. It doesn't have to be like dollar to dollar.

You don't have to do the math. Can you sit down for a second? She's just got a whole slideshow. She's like, that is what you spent on rent. Adjusted for inflation here over the last six months. We're doing sex inflation. I was going to say, listen, or just finger your butt during doggy style and we'll call it even. Oh, dude, what a cheap way out.

I'm not that way at all. Well, that can take some of it off. That's worth about $200. We need to look into it. I mean, you've been covering your rent for six months. That's worth about $200. We need to look into it. I mean, you've been covering your rent for six months. That's life and death shit. And then you just get a bunch of money from that six months. You got to kind of.

It also depends on where they are. If I was covering your rent in New York City for six months, I don't even know if like. Yeah. You know what? But usually it's all relative, though. Fuck it. It's on me. Don't worry.

You know, it's like if you're making a Cincinnati salary, it's probably all going to be proportional. I feel like no matter what, it just has to be acknowledged. Yes. I would imagine. Appreciation and acknowledgement is, I think, what I would want in that situation. Deal. Good man. He's a gentleman.

He's a nice boy. Is he going to be a nice boy and pay for it? So you are on the road for the next year. Yeah, dude. You can catch Dan Soder basically anywhere in America for the next... When's this coming out? This week? Probably? I don't know. We don't really know. Next week?

Alright. No, this will be out Thursday. Alright. I'll be at Comedy Works in Denver, and then in August I will be in Madison, Wisconsin, Philadelphia, Burlington, Vermont, Long Island, fucking San Diego's coming up. Where are you planning on going? Brokerage, buddy. Bel across the country. Long Island. Fucking San Diego's coming up. Where are you playing Long Island?

Brokerage, buddy. Belmore. Okay. Got three shows. Okay. End of August. So yeah, man, I'm going to be on the road, and then Billions starts back up in September. DanSoder.com.

And Bonfire. Listen to Bonfire. Bootleg it if you have to. Thanks, brother. All right. Big thanks to Dan Soder For coming through that interview Interview I don't know

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Is so God. that's like when you're that's real life a waiter for four and a half years that's a long for the waiter for a night once quit right away i don't know if you're exactly the uh banner for like stick to itiveness but yeah i i've only quit i've only quit first of all i've been here nine years True Second of all I had the same summer job In college Every single summer And Well you quit painting

In one day I quit painting And I got a job waiting The next day I quit that But that one I wasn't I didn't quit Because I was waiting

It was just a bad week Yeah I quit Because this homie I couldn't come in there And drink Because I was underage I was like That was the only reason

I got a job at a restaurant I was like Come here and fucking drink I don't even care about getting paid I was justage. Oh, well, that was the only reason I got a job at a restaurant is I would come here and fucking drink. I don't even care about getting paid. I was just going to snooze the whole time,

you idiots. But it was even like, I was like, I figured I'd get friends with a bouncer. They'd let me in whenever I wanted. Got it, got it, got it.

And they're like, you can never drink here. I was like, in fact, I quit. What the fuck am I going to do this for then? Deal with people all day and not get a drink?

I'll find a new one. Thank you. That's all. That's called a regular job. And that's when I got my job on the boat. Drank every fucking night. There you go. Best goddamn job I ever had. I worked

seven days a week. Got wasted every single day. Didn't have to be working until 1130 in the morning the next day. Worked on a boat. Fucking goddamn. You should see these pictures. God damn, I'd suck my dick. I am so fucking sexy that's how old are you at this point uh 20 probably yeah so you're like peak steroids 1920 hot as shit oh man ladies ladies loved feidelberg back then 20 year old feidelberg was something to see

2000 what is that like like 988 Feidelberg 2000 2000 so oh what year uh no that's probably yeah probably yeah 878 something like that like the world was burning like the markets had crashed and John's just on a boat I was the phoenix of America from the ashes of collateralized debt rise John Feidelberg

uh we got a couple more voicemails for you. They're brought to you by Eero. Oh, I got this. They sent this to my house the other day. It's a home Wi-Fi kit. It's like I got a box of electronics sent to me. I'm like, yeah, now we're cooking.

Let's go. A home Wi-Fi. Home Wi-Fi. So you never have to worry about fast, reliable connections. So like I have like if I'm in my kid's playroom, my Wi-Fi is fine. I go to one bedroom over here, not so much. I go to the living room over here, I get two of those bars. Eero, you set it up all over your house. There's different pods, and you've got a connection in every single room.

And you can get it outside. So it boosts it so it can be outdoors, which you're grilling, you're hanging out with your kids, you get the wifi. So you don't waste your, if I go outside during the summer and I'm on my fucking, um, my data, you know, it's like, that's insane. First of all, I need this in my house. Second of all, we need this in the fucking office. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a great point. We were downstairs yesterday. Couldn't use the fucking wifi. It's crazy. That is so true. It's, uh, yeah. The fact that we think you can have one single like router and the place is going to work, no, of course not.

And especially, I'm in an old-ass house, so I have old, thick concrete, this, that, the other thing. So Eero is the home system to where you get it distributed through your entire house. You install enterprise-grade Wi-Fi in your house in just a few minutes. It lets you manage your network from the palm of your hand. You can connect it to your phone, and you can easily share the guest network. And you'll get incredible customer support if you have any problems at all. But it is the easiest way to get your whole house wired with Wi-Fi. So for free overnight shipping to the U.S. and Canada, shout out to our visitors from the North, our neighbors from the North, visit Eero.com. It's E-E-R-O.com. And at checkout, select overnight shipping and then enter KFC.

So Eero.com, overnight shipping, enter KFC, get it for free. It's Eero.com, promo code KFC. Voicemails. What's up, KFC? Fiddle Bird, super producer BC. Jack from Indiana. Kind of an old school KFC radio question, hypothetical. Would you rather have the constant feeling, like when you're walking, running, anything like that,

to be like feeling like you're always walking uphill or always walking through water? So the water level could be like knee high. So like you kind of can either trudge through it or you can like high knee it, I guess, when you're walking and look like an idiot or I don't know. But, you know, my buddies and I are kind of. I mean, neither of these are something I like. These are both bad. I thought it was going to be just toes in the water. No.

Toes in the water, man. That actually is like enjoyable. Yeah, fuck yeah. But when you're trudging through, it's knees where it gets annoying. It just feels like that, right? You're not actually doing it. Right. So every time, you're like throwing your knees.

But to me, the uphill is the worst because it's just a steady like. Dude, there are times. You're just like a little bit gassed. Not like terribly gassed not like terribly gassed but pretty gassed and you got a little bit of sweat and it's just like this is not good there are so many times i'm talking to my mom just walking home yes it's it from here to my house from this office to my house is a i mean this steep oh i mean it's this it's barely that job right yeah no there's one little there's one part where it kicks up, so I'm averaging out.

But she'll say, are you climbing Everest? That's the iPhone's fault too, though. The iPhone breathing, you can really hear that shit. That's what I'm gonna go with. You know what? Actually, now that I think about it, she's got supersonic hearing. It's insane. It's insane, Kevin. There'll be times when she's like, who are you with?

Who's laughing in your ear? I'll look around. There'm like there's like two girls Across the street laughing New York City traffic in the middle She fucking picks up a goddamn bat my mom It's insane Shay has supersonic hearing It's just because she's so young her ears like I don't know still work

She hasn't blown them out yet She loves the garbage truck in the morning She loves to run and look at the garbage truck And the guy now he sees her he honks and shit Every morning the garbage truck in the morning she loves to run and look at the garbage truck and the guy now he sees her he honks and shit every morning the garbage truck comes and she'll like we're sitting in it's like i don't know 6 45 7 in the morning she's watching her ipad and shit and she'll just be like yeah the garbage truck i'm like i don't i don't think so the garbage truck she starts running she runs to the front door. Open it. Open it. Open it. Open it. Open it. Open it. I open it at the top of the hill. I hear

a car starts coming down. I'm like, shit, you were right. The garbage truck wasn't even like right outside. No, it's on the way. You know my house. It's like the top of the hill. It's crazy. It's like a dog when danger's coming. They know the tornado's about to hit or some shit. It pops up. Yeah.

So I guess I got to go. I got to go water. I know I got to go Hill. I don't think I can do water. But water, you don't. I don't think you understand how hard it is either. No, you know what? I'm actually with you.

I know how hard it is. It's also like you. You look like ridiculous. Like you can walk up a hill and and you're gassed, but you can. You're still walking. If you're throwing your legs every time you take a step, you look like an idiot. Dude, we used to do hockey training. This place was called Puckmasters.

I don't even know if it's still around. I think it was in Canton, which actually, no, we weren't just talking about Canton. And it was all the, it wasn't, you didn't skate on actual ice. You skated on plastic because it was like five times harder than it is. There was some kind of plastic or whatever. Yeah.

And just like, because walking uphill is a, it hurts like cardio a little bit. Yeah. But like trudging through stuff, that's your obliques. That's your core. Yeah.

Yeah. Everything. You're working. You're sore forever. I guess you could just get in shape. I was going to say you jacked from it. Yeah. No,

I don't like that. I don't care about that. Let's go. Uh, um, walking uphill. Uh, gonna say you jacked from it yeah no i don't like that i don't care about that let's go uh uh um walking uphill uh last voicemail of the day is brought to you by fixed i got my check engine light still on and i know nothing's wrong with it i got the engine fixed i know the oil's been changed both of those lights are still on on my stupid jeep that still has like a suspended

license and a registration not updated. I have outstanding tickets. I hate it. But I know there's nothing wrong with my car, but the lights are still telling me. And that's why I need to get fixed installed on mine. Because fixed, in plain English, will tell you what's wrong with your car. Straight up. So you don't know what's going on underneath the hood.

None of us are mechanics. None of us know this kind of stuff anymore. We're not. The beta boy generation doesn't know these things. Fixed will tell it for you. It's an app on your smart. It connects to an app on your smartphone and it's an automatic sensor that plugs into your car. So you plug it in. It sends all the information

right to your phone and it helps you eliminate you don't have to worry about like all that lights on. Well, no. Guess what? Your engine's fine. Fixed is telling you or we'll let you know. You got to go in and get this fixed. It will save thousands on unnecessary car repairs. So you're when your common mechanic is jacking up the price you need that we always say like i always say the car and the vet they can charge me whatever they want because i don't fucking know so if you tell me like it's gonna cost a

thousand dollars for these shots for your dog i'm like okay if you tell me it's gonna cost a thousand dollars for my carburetor and i can be like, no, sir. My fixed app is telling me I'm Gucci. So, uh, that's huge. I mean, you're going to save like thousands of dollars doing this. So you buy a fixed sensor for $39. And the very first time it lets you know that your car is good. And some, and some mechanic is trying to chase you. Uh, you saved yourself, you know, $960 right there. Uh, so go to fixed, uh So go to ListenToMyCar.com. Use the promo code KFC, and you'll get $10 off their already discounted price. So you can get your fixed sensor over at ListenToMyCar.com.

Promo code KFC for 10% off. Hey, guys. So quick question. Can you explain to me why guys, when they get a girlfriend, they just drop all their girl best friends? Because like my life is an endless cycle of close guy friends. They get a girlfriend, they stop talking to me, they break up, we're best friends again. And I'm like, well, if you have a close girlfriend that you actually like, why does it matter if you have a girlfriend, like a significant other? Are you the dumbest girl in the world? Do you guys have that struggle? Do you guys judge girls when you get a significant

other? It does not matter how cool your girl is. Every girl you're dating is going to hate any other girl that you spend time with. Especially this girl is probably cute. I can guarantee she's hot. I can guarantee she likes to hang out a cute. I can guarantee she's hot. I can guarantee she likes to hang out a lot.

I can guarantee she probably fucks. And the girlfriends know that. They all know that. They don't want, girls don't want you ever having any fun without them when you're dating

or talking to any other girls other than them. Fact. Again, I'm going to take the other side. It's the same thing with girlfriends. I've had a lot of girlfriends

who are just friends. I haven't talked to them in five years. And you understand. Yeah, they got engaged. They got married. They're just like, we're not friends anymore. Nobody wants to. That's fine.

That's it. We are friends when you are single and not when you are together with someone. Your fucking husband doesn't want you hanging out with this stunningly handsome drunk. This guy who's always inebriated and making bad decisions and like spitting on people. I don't want you around him. No fucking shit your husband doesn't want you hanging around me. I totally understand. I'm like a beware of dog sign like in front of my apartment.

You no fucking kidding. Your husband, your boyfriend, the dude you met last night doesn't want you to ever see me again. No way. And we get that. If a girl doesn't get that. You know what's funny? This girl, when she has a boyfriend, will probably do it to him. She'll probably be like,

stop talking to Jessica. Like, you are Jessica. We've talked about it before. You dumb bitch. With guy friends, like, guess what? That guy friend, he's not talking to his guy friends either. No. Because they're bad news. Just like you are. Yes. When you have a girlfriend or a fiance or a wife, that's all you have.

You don't get anything else socially. You don't get any girls. You don't get any guys. You don's all you have. You don't get anything else socially. You don't get any girls. You don't get any guys. You don't get any fun. You don't get any pussy. You get nothing. That's it. You just get the girl.

You better like her. That's all you get. Choose wisely. Choosing a girlfriend that you can spend time with, it's the last scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark. No, no. Last Crusade. Last Crusade. I'm sorry.

Choose wisely. Otherwise, you're going to shrivel up and turn into a fucking demon that has no fun or anything at all that's it so uh yeah i can explain to you it's how all girls operate how about that no people operate yeah humans guys girls monogamous relationships that's how it goes some some like if i had a girlfriend she goes to work right and she'll come home it's like oh my god shelby was being such a bitch at work. And I'm like, okay. And I forget about Shelby ever exists. Yeah. Right?

And then she comes home and she's like, you should have seen Mike at work. He was so funny. I'm like, who the fuck is Mike? You better tell me about this Mike character. I turn into the most, like, incaptivated guy ever. Tell me about Mike. What's his fucking deal? Let me see a picture of Mike.

Better look like Ham Porter. Ricochet shot. All right. Yeah, we're going to... Hang on. Ham's a good one. Ham's good. That's it.

Better look like that guy from the Goonies. We'll cut that in. All right, you guys. All right, that's it. We'll catch you guys tomorrow for a quickie on KC Radio to wrap up the week.