KFC Radio - KFCradio: Double Date Double Doodie

Episode Date: June 26, 2018

Hubbs comes through to tell us about a disastrous double date. Poop is involved. John is hanging out at the infinity pool in the Azores going canyoning and attending a horse ballet. KFC tricks his kids into eating ham. Voicemails include: 4-legged man vs 2 legged horse, vacation alone, LOL texts, and rank the Rom ComsEpisode presented by:StateAndLiberty.com promo code: KFC for 15% offTeeter.com/kfc for $150 off your inversion tableDKMS text BARSTOOL to 50555 to cure bone marrow cancerDrinkade.com promo code: KFCRADIO for 25% offJoinHoney.com/kfc it's FREEYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Another edition of KFC Radio is brought to you by State & Liberty. State & Liberty is the creator of the infamous jacket, the famed jacket that took Barstool Sports by storm. It started out with Davey Page views, and then it spread its way throughout everybody in the office. It's like this lightweight yet long sleeve, three-quarter length type of fall spring jacket that is absolutely fire.

And they create all sorts of clothing like that. Their button-up shirts are like stylish, yet they're a little more sleek. It's made of like a more comfortable material. Now it's a little bit more trim for the fellas who are in shape i don't know i don't like how you looked at me with that i i i mean where where would the eyes i mean you haven't looked at me at the show and the eyes darted off the fellas who are a little more in shape i mean i'm just saying some of you are in shape. Some of us are not as much in shape.

But what I like about this is that it gives me a little bit of a goal. Kind of maybe motivates me. Like here's – I think this is a relatively attainable goal for me, John. I want to be State and Liberty in shape. Okay. I'm not going to be out here looking like – I'm not going to be out here looking like, I'm not going to be out here looking like Mac from always sunny. I just want to be able to wear a state and liberty shirts and have them go.

Yeah. That's what we had in mind. Boy, has the bar moved, huh? I mean, I want to look good in fall clothing is now. It's not where we're at.

It's not even, I just, I want our sponsor. They always take a look. They're always watching. They call up the show. They're very participatory. I want them to say, I just I want our sponsor. They always take a look. They're always watching. They call up the show. They're very participatory. I want them to say I want to I want to hear from our sales team.

I want to hear state liberty go. Yeah, no, no. Kevin can say that it's for his body type. He doesn't even have to lie. That's what I want. I think it's an attainable goal. Go to. I do.

I think it's very. It better be. Not very. Let's John. Let's let's not get crazy here. They got dress shirts. They've got the jackets like we talked about. Everything that you want to look so you can wear to work. You can wear it to the happy hour afterwards.

You want to get in shape and fit it just perfectly. That's what I'm going to be doing. Go to stateandliberty.com. That's stateandliberty.com. Type in code KFC and you get 15% off your first order. So go to stateandliberty.com, promo code KFC, 15% off. I am Skyping once again with Johnny Portoguese. He is in – he's gotoguese. He is in.

He is in. He's got no shirt on. He's got his sunnies on. He's got that like. MVMT sunnies. He's got that sea salt hair working right now. Beautiful blue sky behind him. The infinity pool overlooking the crystal blue ocean.

You, sir, are a motherfucker. I'm living it right now, baby. I am living it. I don't know why I didn't like I knew how long you were going. But the fact that we are now into another week and you're still there is really pissing me off. Yeah, but it's also it's really stressing me out because I'm only gone five business days.

I left on Tuesday night. I'll be back on Wednesday morning. But for some reason, the weird timing of it like it feels like two weeks yeah I love the midweek I'm doing it from now on the midweek like have the weekend at the beginning in the middle of the vacation oh yeah it's it's fantastic but it does get a little stressful like today I was out yeah today let me tell you how stressed I got I was out kayaking in a canyon and I was just I wasn't even kayaking I was just outaking in a canyon, and I was just – I wasn't even kayaking. I was just out in the middle of these beautiful mountains, happy-looking mountains, right?

You know how mountains usually have like – they're scary or – Like an ominous feel. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, these were just – these mountains were smiling. We got fucking Bob Ross over here. Some happy little mountains. And I was just sitting in the middle of a lagoon, laying down in my kayak. A lagoon, folks! A lagoon!

I said, you know what? I gotta get back. I'm a little stressed out. And I came back. That's the story. You got stressed. I told you I got stressed. You got stressed because you were in a fucking kayak? I got stressed because I was missing you and missing the show and stuff like that. I was like, I gotta be back home

two hours before KFC radio starts. And I'll tell you one thing, though. We bitched about L.A. time. Port Grand Mountain time. British Grand Mountain, whatever it's called. Greenwich Mean Time, whatever. Dude, I woke up late this morning. I woke up at 11 o'clock, drove an hour to the canyon, kayaked, napped.

I was back at the house in the office at 10 30 yeah that's that's living that's great you have a whole life before the workday even starts oh it's tremendous maybe you should just move to portugal oh hey listen don't threaten me with a good time so today we're uh i mean obviously it's there's never been a better time to do a little adolescent data lesson here. It's brought to you by Teeter. Teeter, my friends, is something I have plenty of experience with. Our latest podcast sponsor is something that is near and dear to my heart because we are advertising inversion tables up in here. Now, unfortunately, I have plenty of experience with back pain.

I have had five surgeries on my spine. No, I've had three surgeries on my spine. And I've got fusion in my lumbar. I've got fusion in my neck. My spine is a disaster. Me, Tiger Woods, Peyton Manning, all cut from the same cloth, okay? We all excel at the highest level in our respective industries, yet we persevere through the back pain. And all you need to have a healthy back is a little bit of decompression in your discs.

You just need a little bit of separation so that all the nerves getting pinched are set free, and you stretch it out, you hydrate the discs, and you have yourself a healthy back. Now, so you pop upside down on one of these inversion tables, just the littlest angle, and you get enough separation in your discs that you can pull them apart, rehydrate, and regenerate that entire spine. You don't have to solve your problems with surgery. You don't have to cut yourself open. You don't have to solve your problems with surgery. You don't have to cut yourself open. You don't have to do anything extreme. You don't even have to do any exercise.

You just got to lay there. That's it. You hook your feet in. You flip upside down. You let your back stretch. Do it for a few minutes, and you are good to go. We all got them sent to the office. So I got mine sent to me.

John has his. The foreplay guys got theirs. We're all going to be hanging upside down, baby. I'm, I'm nervous about using mine because, because it's going to, it's going to cure me. Like Matt Brown talked to them about what's wrong with my back and my like random back spasms. And they were like, it's going to fix him. And I'm nervous about being fixed. I don't, I think it's part of me. I need that. Like, like my mom telling me I need to be depressed. Like I need to, I need to know my back could go off at any minute. And it makes you the man that you are today. Right. What if I change one little thing about me? What if I'm a

totally different person after that? And I'm going to do it, but you know, I might, I might just be like a happy person from now on. And no one wants that. Well, I certainly don't want that. I want that for myself. I mean, I'm pushing, I'm pushing when I first got hurt, I was 18. So a few more years, I will officially have been like ravaged with injury for half of my life and everything after my 36th birthday, the majority of my life will have been consumed by pain. So I am, now that I got one of these back in my life, I had one when I was younger, but I couldn't take it to college with me and move to all these all these different apartments. Now I got one. I'm going to be upside down all day long.

I'm going to be like a goddamn vampire. I'll be hanging upside down the whole time. So then if I fix my back problems and become a happy person, you can just carry the depressed torch for KFC radio and I'll be over here pain free and happy. I'll wear that. That's fine. You want to. I'm way over half my life. My shit started in fifth grade.

Explain this so much. I'm in the sunken place or whatever this is. I will be upset if we don't have your back meltdowns. Oh, by the way, you had one in L.A. that I never posted. We'll do that. We were at a nice rooftop bar, and Feidelberg had a whole meltdown. So I'll tweet that out from the KFC radio handle right now. Teeter is the best inversion table on the market.

The ultimate muscle relaxation. And right now, if you use the URL teeter.com slash KFC, you'll get $150 off. So you'll get it for just $349. There's a 60-day money-back guarantee, free shipping, free returns, and a free vibrating cushion. Hey, now. That might be worth it all. Just put it on that. Call your ex-boyfriend. Hey, buddy! Go to

teeter.com slash KFC. That's T-E-E-T-R dot com slash KFC. Adolescent to adolescent, John is in Portugal. He's not even in Portugal. He's in a place that's cooler than Portugal. It's like the islands off of Portugal. Like, isn't that already what Portugal fucking is?

It's the Azores, man. It's the Hawaii of Europe. Oh, fuck you, dude. The Hawaii of Europe. God damn it. I'll tell you what. It's not all. It's not all fucking infinity pools and beaches here.

It's exactly what it looks like. It's exactly what it looks like, John. I have to work to be here right now because the converter i brought didn't work then i got a new one yesterday almost burnt the house down it exploded didn't my laptop's too powerful so i got another one and i've been charging it for i've been charging my laptop for 10 minutes at a time setting alarms to wake up on the hour so it doesn't log it yeah to then plug it for 10 more minutes set another alarm in another hour so i've been doing some work here oh let well then let me just i take back everything i'm about to say about you you spoiled little motherfucker you're working so

hard with your plugging things and unplugging things i don't know how you do it john be ready for this oh john you know what i do i wake up every 10 minutes because I have a fucking human that won't shut up. That's on you. I didn't make Portugal not accept the power of my laptop. You, you came in someone. That's on you. Fact. That is, I can't argue that point.

I had the kids all by myself this weekend. You can imagine how that goes. Not great. I have determined. point i had the kids all by myself this weekend you can imagine how that goes not great you know i have determined uh when you'll learn this one day john when you become a father maybe i don't know probably not uh there are certain like things responsibilities as a parent that you decide whether you like them or not and you kind of divvy them up with, with, with the other parent. Like, like I love bath time. I do bath time. We have a blast. I put some music on. I have a good time. It's a shit show. People are getting soaking wet. Like a lot of parents don't like bedtime because the kids are a pain in the ass. They don't want to get out. They get soap in their eyes.

There's water splashing everywhere. I like all that. So I do it, do it. So you kind of divvy up what you do and don't do. You know what? The one thing I hate, hate doing for my kids, fucking feeding them. I cannot stand getting food. That's a big one, Kevin. That's a big one to have. Getting food into my kids is absolutely my least favorite responsibility as a parent. And I'm coming into the phase right now. It used to just be like, here's a bottle. The day that your kids can hold a bottle by themselves, it's a life changer because you can just put them in a little bouncer. You just throw them a bottle.

They sit there. They chug on it. You can do whatever you want. Now, all of a sudden, you know, and then they've even revolutionized. Like, you know, you used to see, John, you're not a parent, but you know the deal. You get like a little baby jar and you spoon it in and it's all like, you know, you used to see, John, you're not a parent, but you know the deal. You get, like, a little baby jar, and you spoon it in, and it's all, like, you know, just mushed up. Well, now they revolutionized that.

They just put it into a pouch, so it's like feeding them a bottle again. You give them a little pouch of applesauce, and they can hold it and suck it down. Now I'm moving out of both of those phases where I just got to feed these little fuckers food food. So it's like I got to cook them something gerber no like like chicken nuggets or like i gotta give them turkey and all this other like real food and i'm just like oh god this is so annoying because you know me like half the time i'll sit there and i'll just starve like if i'm if i'm too lazy to cook food or go get food, I'm just like, well, I'm not eating right now. Oh, yeah.

No. K-Marco is not in the office. I don't eat. Exactly. Because K-Marco eats me lunch. Right. That's because he's like your dad. That's what I got to do for these fucking kids.

The problem is that if you don't feed them, like their brains won't develop and they won't grow and reach their full size. It's like, well, whatever. I'm going to have a little undersized kid then. I don't know what to tell you. It is such a motherfucker feeding these things. And then they don't, you know, then I'm going to have a little undersized kid then. I don't know what to tell you. It is such a motherfucker feeding these things. And then they don't, you know, then I'm trying to jam it in their throats. They're running around. They won't eat it.

I'm like literally chasing Shay. We had ham the other day. Do you know how I have to get my little fucking kids to eat ham? I have to tell her that it's pink turkey. Like, do you want some turkey? Do you want some ham? No. How about some pink turkey? pink turkey okay like you're so dumb you're so dumb and i chase her i'm running around a little nitwit doesn't even know what food is

so dumb like you i i get a bunch of pieces in there and then she's done i laugh in her little face i'm like ha you just had ham idiot so, I watched them all weekend long. Keegan just didn't even consider sleeping. I just had to push him in his stroller all night long. And yeah, they basically were malnourished the whole time. So, you know, me too. Me too, kids. Grow up. That's a great bath, though.

Huh? That's a great bath. Yeah, the baths were awesome. The baths were lit, man. We were bumping tunes and splashing. It was a good time. So you win some, you lose some as a parent. But in comparison to John, I'm just losing all of them. Yeah, but here's the deal.

I'm with my parents. So one day, you'll get to pay for them to come do this stuff. Oh, that's good. Just fucking 30 years from now. Can't wait. Yeah, and you'll have to foot the bill, but you get to hang out with them. It's more fun that way. Yeah, awesome.

The joys of parenthood. It's just something to look forward to on the horizon, you know? One day when they're grown adults, you'll get to pay to take them on vacation. I'll tell you this much. If I have man babies like you, I'm going to be so upset. I'm going to treat Keegan like it's like World War II. Like, when you're 18, you're a man. Get the fuck out of here.

You're on your own, dude. Are you kidding me? They fucking want me here. Yeah? I'm not. I didn't come on this. I was told I'm coming on this vacation. I wasn't like, hey, can I go? Can you get me a plane ticket? They were like, yo, we got you a plane ticket. This is what time your fucking flight is. Be there. You're coming and you're having fun.

Make sure you don't poop in your pants on the way out here. That's the only caveat. Just don't do that. I was thinking the other day about kids, man. It's crazy how much attention and care they need. If you're born and you don't have parents take care of you, you just fucking die. That's it. You know, like when a fucking, I don't know, a cheetah gives birth. That cheetah just like goes and starts hunting and living like right away.

It's like almost immediate. With us, you need to be taken care of for like seven years before you can be. You need to be like, I mean, John's like 30. He still doesn't eat food unless k marco feeds him like i don't go to the bathroom so like let's not let my my bar is like your body trying to get in shape is much lower i would just want to remember to pee that's that's what i need to get that's the level i need to get to to consider myself an adult like oh yeah like i'll get up and i'll roam the office i'll go back and sit down and an hour and a half later. But why did I get up? Oh yeah.

I forgot to pee. Yeah. I mean, really like until they're in like first grade, they would just like literally die. And until they're like 40, they're not truly like self-sufficient. That's crazy.

I'm self-sufficient. I don't know. I just like, I, I've just been like with everything I do in my whole life. I just wait until the 11th hour. So like I, i die of starvation i will order food i will order it but i think i won't go i'll order it and then like right before i piss my pants i'll go to the bath that's that's kind of where i am i'm just i'm i'm i'm gonna stay sitting for as long as will keep me

alive i'm all about that, dude. And then when I die, I will change my style. That's the other thing, too, is, like, I had the kids all by myself, and they're like, people are like, what are you going to do with them this weekend? And I was like, nothing. I'm going to, like, wait until their mom comes home. I'm going to wait until their mom comes home. I'm going to watch TV until I'm off duty.

Like, you're supposed to, like, plan things with your kids. I'm going to take them to, like, this little children's museum, and I'm going to take them here. I'm like, yo, I do gymnastics on Saturday mornings, and that's fucking it, okay? All right? You want to go to the pool? No.

You know how much of a process it is to take your kids to the fucking pool? You got to put, like, for an hour, you got to put sunblock on them and put their clothes on them, pack all their shit up, pack all their diapers up, take them to the pool. It takes, like, 25 minutes for them to, 25 minutes for them to even consider getting in the pool. And then they shit in their pants and it's time to go home. It's like, well, why did I even do this? Pools are for the birds.

Nah, pools are fire. Well, like private pools are. Like that pool right behind you, you son of a bitch? Yeah, like that one's dope. But like I went to a mineral pool. No, no, no. Just shut up for a fucking second. This is like you being like, I'm not a Jersey guy while you're wearing jerseys.

You're sitting in front of a gorgeous infinity pool in like the fucking Ozarks or whatever it's called. And you're like, pools are lame. Hey, I hope you drown. I hope you drown in that pool. I hope you drown. You're just ignoring a huge caveat in what I said. What is it? Public pools.

OK, well, yeah. I didn't hear that. You're just ignoring a huge caveat in what I said. What? It's in public pools. Okay. Well, yeah. I didn't hear that. And also, when I say jerseys, I'm wearing t-shirts. And I'll be wearing a Portugal jersey today because I went shopping for one. I'm not a jersey guy. I just buy jerseys when I'm on vacation. They're different than...

When I say jersey, I mean football, baseball, hockey. Like a fucking batting practice warm-up and a fucking soccer jersey. Those are just t-shirts. I'm not going to keep getting into this. There's such a clear distinction in these things that it's outrageous. Definitely not getting into it. Definitely not. As you're like out of breath from arguing it again.

I was relaxed in the lagoon. I went to a horse ballet last night. What? You went to a horse ballet last night. What? You went to a horse ballet? A horse ballet, Kevin. It was unbelievable stuff. It was fantastic.

I was in a parade. Wait, wait, wait. Stop with the rest of the story. A horse ballet, is it what it sounds like? It's like horses dancing? Oh, they dance, man. They one-two step. They do crossovers. They shimmy-shake.

It's fucking fire. They one-two step. They do crossovers. They shimmy-shake. Yeah, it's fucking fire. They're called Luisitano horses. They're the most agile horses. This shit would break, like, LT's ankles. Like, you put one of these Luisitanos up a fucking A-hole, LT's got no chance. Not even going to get run over. He's just going to get juked out of his shoes.

This thing was like, bam, bam, out of there. Horses? Yeah, dance on their hind legs, moving their hands about. They're called hands, by the way. They're not their front legs. They are their hands. Learned about that. No, that's not true.

They're called hooves. I was at, like, someone's farm, and they just showed me their Luis Guitano horses, and they danced, and it was awesome. And I was relaxed after that. Now he brought the goddamn jerseys thing.

Gassed up. Well, I, I just, I just hate him so much, you know, just like I can't,

I can't stand him. I can't stand the life that you live. And yet, you know, it's funny, neither can you. Like,

I can't stand the life you live because it's like all that I want. It's like you just, you have like, you're left alone and you all that i want it's like you just you have like you're left alone and you can go on vacations on like the drop of a hat and you're like oh this life sucks this one's been planned for a year columbia was a job at this one's been forever but you could that's the point like like if i lived your life john i wouldn't go on vacation

like ever but i could if I wanted to. And that is the feeling that gets you through the day. Yeah, it's a nice the ability to do whatever you want. It's a nice thing to say. And I would always it's the ability to do nothing. That's what you have. It's not the ability to go to Portugal. It's not the ability to go out to the bar and do this or that.

It's the ability to choose nothing to the bar and do this or that. It's the ability to choose nothing. I can't do that. I have to feed kids and keep them alive. But it's your own fault. I know. I'm not saying it's not. I'm just saying. Mine isn't even my own fault. Mine isn't my own choice. I haven't made the right choices.

I just haven't been presented with opportunities. Because, like I said, where I've been kidnapped and with my massage where I haven't made the right choices no i just haven't been presented with opportunities because like i said where i've been kidnapped and like with my massage where i didn't want a man but i wasn't going to say no because i didn't want to seem rude if a woman came up to me was like we're dating i'd say okay and and then in two years we'd be married in three years we'd have a kid and all this would happen just no one's done it to me yet you you could walk up like a kid in times square you just grab by the hand and you take it to the altar i would do that i wouldn't put up a fight like all right ladies ladies you know that you know the tactic now you want you want to date john you just have to go out to him and tell him you are i want to get i want to get into your beef with massaging and

then we got hubs live in studio to tell you a story that is going to absolutely ruin your day that you don't want to miss uh but first your beef with massages i got this is this is this is called uh kfc radio bone to pick bone to pick is brought to you by dkms the way to save people with bone marrow cancer do you see what i just did there folks do you see bone to pick is brought to you by the Bone Marrow Cancer Organization. I am so good at this. It's unbelievable. DKMS is the international not-for-profit organization dedicated to the fight against blood cancer and blood disorders. You got people with bone marrow cancer.

You got people with blood cancer. They need help, and you might be the one that can help them. You don't know because you don't know if you're a match right now. DKMS will let you know if you are a donor match. So if you want to become a bone marrow donor and save the life of blood cancer patients, go to DKMS.org. All you got to do is swab the inside of your mouth. You send it to them. They let you know if you're the right blood type, if you're the right match, and then you can go ahead and save some lives. It's as easy as that, and you'll get good karma knowing that you saved and fought cancer. So go to DKMS.org or text BARSTOOL to 50555. That's 50555. Every three minutes, someone's diagnosed with a blood

disease. Every nine minutes, someone dies. You can change that. DKMS.org. John doesn't like massages. And I almost, I'm taking that like personally. It's almost like you told me like, you don't like, you know, like my cooking or something like that. Like I'm so team massage from all the shit I was talking about with my back that I'm almost like offended that you don't like massages. What's your fucking, what's your fucking problem,

man? I have like, like my mom's been pushing me to get a massage for so long. Like she got me a gift certificate for Christmas at like my gym and all this shit. And she's like, cause cause I'm, I sleep anywhere.

So like my back is just fucking, my back's the best obviously. But then like also I sleep on couches all the time. I sleep on floors sometimes. I'm just like, I'm, I'm have like the body of a rickety old man And I was finally pressured Into it because the options Were canyoning

Which is a word I didn't know Existed and I have even less Desire to find out what exactly it entails So I said We'll do a spot edit, I think she set me up on that one I think she knew I wasn't choosing a game She picked some alternative that was just made up Yeah, yeah

So we went and like I It just wasn't, granted like I'm sure this is a unique spa where it was It was a fucking 45 minute drive out to this place You drive like It's a nice drive actually You drive by like these pretty hydrangeas Hydrangeas all over the island, Kevin.

Just gorgeous. And then you get to this really steep hill with winding road. And it feels like if it was night, it would be terrifying. But during the day, it was kind of pretty, like, watching it go down. But then once you get down, you feel immediately trapped because it would take me two days to climb the hill. Take me forever. John, we are talking about some goddamn hill leading up to the massage, you fucking idiot.

Who cares? Yeah, it was. Who cares about the hill and the flowers? It makes it scary. Okay. I can't get away from it. I can't get away. The other side are crashing waves, crashing into rocks.

And I was like, fuck, I'm trapped here. They're going to massage me. I know it. And the woman was mean. And then the guy, I don't know. I didn't want a guy. I didn't I didn't care for a guy. Oh, I get it. You're a homophobe. No, I'm not a homophobe. I just don't like I don't I don't like women touching me. Let it like. But if I have to be touched, I prefer it comes from a woman.

That sounds like you're a gay basher. You heard it here first. John Fidelberg, gay basher. It doesn't. It's a weird thing to have my milky thighs rubbed by a man. I don't. If that makes me a gay basher, then okay. I could taste how gross that is. You said that and I got a taste on my tongue. You're welcome.

It's just like, everything about it. When they were hitting your knots all up in your shoulder blades, you didn't like that? No, it was like, what are you doing, man? I didn't feel anything from it. What? It felt like a guy who didn't know how to do a massage.

It felt like how I give them. It sounds like you got a bad massage. I can't even imagine what a massage from you with those puffy, pudgy midget hands feel like. I need a strong hand. I don't know. I don't want those little paws all over me. Those puffy fingers. Nah, I'm all set. Listen, I don't know. I just, I don't want those little paws all over me. Those like puffy fingers.

Nah, I'm all set. Listen, I got this guy. His name's Danny, this Asian guy. He's got fists of fucking steel. And he basically just like latches onto these knots in my fucking body and just like pulls them out. It's almost like, like when you know, like in those kung fu movies where they punch into your heart and yank it out. That's what he's doing with my knots and my muscles. It's fire.

I got to put hot oil on his fucking fingers and swirl it around my belly button. I don't know. It just seems a little different. First of all, I'm happy that you just said belly button there. I think it could have gotten a lot worse, especially I'm watching John. He put two fingers up in the air. I was like, I don't know where this is going. It sounds like you just got...

Those aren't two fingers you use. He used to use his drawing fingers, not two fingers you use. It's guns. I feel like... He used to use his drawing fingers, not his fingering fingers. It's different. Who massages a belly button? That's gross, dude. That was so weird, man.

So you just got a bad... He asked me if I ate diseases. I was like, what? No, I'm dizzy. I haven't been testing in a while, but I don't think so. Just a little super gonorrhea. What are you going to do to me, man?

What do you think I'm going to do? I don't have diseases for. Are you going to fuck me? The fuck is happening in this fucking room, man? It was just like, it was, the whole thing was uncomfortable. It was. Oh, man. I mean, I tensed up Kevin immediately.

And he kept being like, is everything okay? Like, no, man. Every single muscle in my body is flexed right now. What do you think? How are you asking if i'm comfortable everything is full flex i am made of iron you're fucking costanza man you're costanza on that table just totally uncomfortable if i if i've always said if i was like super rich like the one of the first luxuries i would like ball out on is i would have like a masseuse live with me

i'm talking every single day, multiple times a day. I'm getting a rub down. You got to get yourself a good massage, man. When they hit those knots, when they lead in with their elbows, dude, like my massages, I don't even think they're like painful. I like them like that. I don't even, you know, I'm not, I'm not interested in getting finger blasted in my belly button.

I'm interested in an elbow to the back of my neck. Let's go. I'm going to get you a good massage. He was like jerking my fingers off to the point where I had to pick my head up. I was like, what are you doing, man? No, that's ridiculous. Like, nobody needs their finger rubbed. They need like their back and their shoulders and their... I'm going to

get you a good massage. We're going to change it. Did you put on the disposable underwear? Yeah, that was ridiculous. No, man. There's no... what? Why? You were wearing like a thong. I didn't put it on. I stole it so I could take a video of it. But I didn't – I was like, no, I'm getting my boxer brace, man. Yeah, no, I mean – well, first of all, I just take it all off, baby.

Oh, you go nude? Oh, yeah. Oh, you are an animal. You are a fucking madman. No, I'm a bad boy, bro. I'm a bad boy. Because if you really want to get a good one, you got to get them

to put their elbow in your butt. Like in your butt cheek muscle. Not like in your ass. Like in your butt muscle. Your glutes. This sounds horrible. No, buddy. You don't realize how much stress you got all up in your ass. You don't realize your ass cheeks got so much stress in them. You give that butt a good rub down, your whole life's going to get changed.

I mean, I can't be more honest. I'm like so sure that I hated it. The second he touched my foot, I was like, I hate this. I'm uncomfortable. I want this to end. I wouldn't be so positive that I hated it. The second he touched my foot, I was like, I hate this. I'm uncomfortable. I want this to end. I wouldn't be so positive that I hated actual torture. That I,

like, if someone took a hammer to my fucking pinky, like, like Leo in Body of Lies, I'd be like, ah, maybe the next one will be better.

This one, I'm like, ah, never doing this again. You know what's so funny though? And this is so perfectly, like, in line with your character.

You just sat there for a full 60 minutes or however long it was letting him do it. You immediately knew it was bad. And rather than be like, you know what? Actually, this is not for me. You were like, go ahead and make me uncomfortable for a full hour of my life. The second I saw him, I was like, I think I said in my blog on it, which I fucking hate saying that. I'm trying to stop saying it. But I said in the blog, I was like, he could have been pouring a vat acid into a

vat with a shirt that said, I'm going to put you in here. And I would have strutted and be like, what's up, man? How you doing? Perfect. This is exactly what I was looking for today. It is. It's much like when you get your haircut and like, you know, they show you it and it's like, rather than speak up, you're just like, yeah, okay, it's good.

It's like when you're getting a massage you're like let me know like if if you like want any differently and they're rubbing something that like hurts you and you just sit there and you just like power through it it's like no no that definitely like really feels very uncomfortable and it's not it's hurting me but you're just gonna sit there and be like yep no i'm good i'm good keep going keep going dude last night at the horse ballet? Yeah. Dude, right? It was like a private show. So it was like we were on these people's farm and the woman who owned them all really reminded me of my nana.

She can be mean sometimes. And we had these huge plates of food, like massive mounds of meat. Even my dad had like half of it. And I knew she was going to come in and kind of yell at us if we hadn't finished. I stuffed my bellies and made myself so uncomfortable. I ate so much food just because I knew she was going to yell at us. And she came in and she was like, why don't you eat food?

Why don't you eat food? I was like, I raised my hand. I was like, no, no, I did. I finished it. Look at me. I'm a big boy. You are such a child. It's unbelievable.

Look, I'm in the clean plate club. I swear I did it. I was so miserable. I just knew she would be offended if I didn't finish it all. So I put on 10 pounds last night. Quick little aside. It speaks volumes to my life of trying to snake it until I make it. When I was a little kid, my mom was demanding that I was in the clean play club,

and I couldn't leave until I finished my food. So I took all my chicken, and I hid it under the tablecloth. And I was like, look, finished my food. And she was like, oh, my God, clean play club, here's your dessert. Go ahead and play. Like some criminal mastermind. Like, how was I going to get away with that? As soon as she took the tablecloth off, she was like, bro, all your fucking chicken's your dessert. Go ahead and play. Like, like, like some criminal mastermind. Like, how was I going to get away with that? As soon as she put,

took the tablecloth off, she was like, bro, all your fucking chickens right here. I got in so much trouble, but you know, I lived like an extra 15 minutes with dessert and everything I wanted to do. Snake it till you make it.

We're going to get into these voicemails. But first, uh, the, we have hubs here. Usually he calls in and leaves a voicemail when he has disastrous dates. Ordinarily, it's more like leading up to the date or after the date, not the actual date itself. But Hubs has a doozy for us today that a simple couple-minute voicemail could not do it justice.

So I asked him to join us live. The Hubs portion of the program is brought to you by drink aid the revolutionary formula filled drink with vitamins and supplements that helps you feel great after a long night out which let's just say hubs is uh company this weekend probably could have used some drink aid after the night that they had i would imagine i don't know if there's enough vitamins and supplements to wash away the shame and the feeling that Hubbs' friends had, but they certainly could have used it, and they certainly could have given it a shot.

Drinkaid.com, 100% satisfaction guaranteed, or they'll give you money back. It is tasty. It is good for you. It helps you fight the hangovers. It's the official drink before you drink. So if you're going to get out there and have yourself a big night, first things first, down some drink aids, and you'll get that nice, you know, it almost like coats your

stomach. It's like going into battle with armor. You don't just roll up into battle with nothing. You got to put your armor on. You got to have your weapons, your helmet. That's what Drink Aid is. It is body armor for drinking. You use the promo code KFCRADIO. You get 25% off. That's a diesel discount. One-fourth off when you go to drinkaid.com or Amazon. They sell it on Amazon with everything else you buy. So next time you're buying your groceries or whatever for your apartment, just pop some Drink Aid in your cart

and use the promo code KFCRADIO. Whether you've got a big night out, you're watching the World Cup, your game, your date, whatever it is, Drink Aid before you drink. DrinkAid.com, promo code KFC. Hubs, welcome to the program. I feel welcomed.

What's going on? This is one of those things where you ever go to the program. I feel welcomed. This is one of those things where you ever like, you go to the doctor or you talk to someone and you politely are like, I hope I never see you again. Yes.

You know, it's one of those like, I, you know, thank you for your help, but if I have my way, I'll never have to do this again. Well, joining KFC Radio is often under these circumstances circumstances like that. I'm happy you're here, but I hope for your sake and our listeners' sake,

we never have to hear from you again because this story is pretty harrowing. This is bad fights. I texted you a picture. I don't know if you got it, but it helps with the story. So if you somehow see that. We will put it out on the KFC Radio Twitter. It definitely paints the picture of just how extreme this was. What's crazy is I actually texted you in the middle, like at 2 in the morning,

and it had not even reached that point. I already had, I feel like, enough for a KC Radio voicemail, and then it just went to a whole different level. So basically, I was at my buddy's, let's say Saturday night, and one of them had not, they've been in this new apartment for about 8 months and one of them hadn't brought a girl back. He usually just blacks out and just has fun with the boys

but I was like, that's usually my style. Yeah, same. But I was like, you know I have, I was like kind of flirting with like a girl and she had a friend and I was like, I was asking them to meet up with us at the bar and I was like, I'm going to help my buddy out. A little wingman action. I would feel so accomplished if i helped my buddy out it actually ended up completely just backfiring completely you try to do something nice for someone and

these are the things that happen so um we're at the bar uh the two girls uh come meet us at the bar and the moment they get there instead of the girl i'm flirting with i'm talking to i'm actually end up talking to her friend the old switcheroo Her friend comes up to me and says, yeah, I fucking hate that kid. The one I was trying to set her up with. So I was like, okay, well, that's not great. So I ended up talking to her for like 45 minutes, and the girl who I was flirting with is talking to all my friends.

So this night has completely flipped on its head already. So wait, you're kind of fucked at this point, or you're willing to switch? I have no idea at this point what I'm doing. I'm like, my ass is actually in the jackpot at this point i remember i did i did the switcheroo once uh same situation me and my buddy meet up with two girls or we didn't meet up with them we met them at the bar so he kind of peels off he's talking to the much more attractive one he goes to the bathroom and i just slid right in and i was like sorry bro and the other girl we affectionately

nicknamed dino because she was the size of a fucking dinosaur. And he was because I remember him being like, are you fucking kidding me? I go to the bathroom for two seconds and you leave me with a dinosaur. You're fucking kidding me. I was like, sorry, dude. Don't go to the bathroom next time. So sometimes the switcheroo happens. It's in your favor.

Sometimes it's not. But you're at this point. You don't know which way you're going. Both were attractive. So I wasn't getting fucked with either one. And the original girl is still buying me like drinks on the side of talking to my friends so I'm like I think she's still like wants to hook up like fuck she's buying you drinks

that's right so one of my buddies I don't know if that ever happened to my wife I was going to say Hubs over here he's got people buying him drinks listen usually I'm at a bar and I'm on my phone checking scores and then I'm like alright let's go get food and then we pass out like that's my usual night out very rare where I I be in this form

where everything I say is kind of funny and you're just pitching a perfect game. Isn't that the best where it's just like, I don't know why this is happening. It won't happen for another year,

but I'll enjoy that night. So anyways, we all leave the bar at let's say 1.30, 2 in the morning and my buddy's like, oh, I'll get an 18 pack. We'll play beer games

or get back. No one actually ended up playing one beer game at all. So we get back at two in the morning but i'm in the cab and that's when i text you like my ass in a jackpot because when we left the bar the original girl was holding my hand still and being very handy to me meanwhile i have the other girl who just gave me her number and very clearly wants to fuck so i'm just like god hubs over here i'm in my head i'm like i can barely have sex with one girl i am not going to be able to pull off two best friends at the same time. Like, that's just not going to happen.

I'm rather just like go to bed at this point. So anyways, we get back to the apartment and very clearly the girl who I was talking to the bar, that just becomes a thing. We started whatever, hooking up. And the original girl goes, disappears upstairs. And I'm kind of just praying she's like not going to the bathroom upstairs and she's just staying up there and hopefully found one of my friends, whatever. So I end up, whatever, taking the other girl to a room, whatever, wake up the next morning and have no idea where her friend is.

So the two girls eventually – You just yada yada sex on us? Yeah, he kind of did a little, you know, whatever, whatever. Yeah. He did a yada yada. I don't want to be that guy, but yeah, I kind of yada yada some sex. There was some sex. And maybe in the morning too.

Hey! Very rare. But so eventually we find the other girl upstairs, completely passed out in my buddy's room, so they had sex. And the girls come back down, and one of them, the original girl remarks that she wasn't wearing her thong, and it was in her bag. And I thought that was really weird to just say.

I was like, what would be the reasoning for you just to not be wearing your thong? But I didn't really ask. So they leave, whatever. I go upstairs to reconvene with my buddies like about the whole night. The best part of going out, by the way, is that. Yeah. The next morning, like when you're recapping shit. The dumb shit you did, the shit talking behind people's backs.

I love it. So we're all like congratulating my friend because like he finally had sex in his new apartment. Like, let's go. I feel accomplished. I'm like, let's go. I love it. So we're all like congratulating my friend because like he finally had sex in his new apartment like let's go. I feel accomplished. I'm like let's go and set this up. And then my buddy

my other buddy comes in. He's an idiot. And he comes in and he goes yeah I went to like wash up at like five in the morning and there was like shit on the windowsill

and I just cleaned it up and threw it out. I'm like why don't you lead with that. We were talking for like 20 minutes. You got to lead with that with that little tidbit.

Shit on the windowsill is not just you know yada yada that yeah and i'm also like why didn't you take a picture of he's like i don't know i just flushed down the toilet and like you know move on from there it was like a uh he heard he claimed there was like clumps of shit like on the way so i was like it was like on the way i was like bro you gotta take a picture of that like you have to take a picture of that he just didn't it wasn't thinking so we kind of just brush that off to the side and keep talking which is ridiculous yeah and then like an hour later we're like hanging out watching like world cup and he goes back up to the bathroom and next to the toilet is a torn off paper curtain i don't know if fights if you got this picture yet but it's a torn off curtain with literal shit on it everywhere dude everywhere all over it's like

a a shower curtain yeah no window curtain window window curtain that was torn off during the sex and they had sex on top of he said they had sex like she was on the windowsill and he was having sex through that oh god and i guess and she must have shit herself. He fucked the actual shit out of her. And she, and there was a smear. Dude, beyond the picture, you gotta see it's like And I did take a sniff because I had, you have, you make sure it's not dirt. You have to make sure.

And it was actual shit. You just made this story about you. You fucked up. Yeah, my friends were very confused about it. I mean, I think it's pretty clear what it is there. I don't know. I had to be certain. I had to pick up this lump by the toilet to make sure it wasn't

dirt. I didn't pick up shit. It's shit. I promise. I didn't pick up shit. I picked up the clean part of the curtain and sniffed the dirty part. So they had sex in the bathroom rather than in the- Which made no sense because his bedroom is legitimately right next to the bathroom.

Yeah, yeah. But they must have been, they were blackout drunk. So she's like kind of sitting on the windowsill with this paper curtain kind of under her. He's fucking her and she just poops everywhere. And to be fair, I guess anal isn't ruled out here. Like he said we didn't have anal, but like you have no idea. You're blackout. You don't know where it is.

She doesn't know where it is. Very clearly you could have just stuck your dick like in her butt but there's shit everywhere and there's also blood oh Jesus Christ not a lot of blood but there was like specks of blood and so we just assumed I think we're gonna have to take that

the blood might the blood might cross the line this could have been a murder I'm gonna take that part out that's a little much to be honest here The blood might cross the line. This could have been a murder. I'm going to take that part out. That's a little much, to be honest here. Shit on the windowsill? Okay. Blood, we're good.

And then in the bedroom, we look. Now we have to look in the bedroom, like, what's going on here? There's a little bit on the wall. Oh, my God. And there's, like, specks in the sheets. Do you ever see the original sequel to D and dumber yeah the bad one yeah where where this happens there's shit everywhere it's on the walls it's on the ceiling there's shit everywhere yeah and this girl wakes up in the morning and doesn't know i would i mean or she played it so cool that she was like let me just get out of here before they realized i know she

was really drunk so there's my girl i they realize. I know she was really drunk. I mean, listen, there's like, I was really drunk. And then there's like, I was really drunk to the point that I don't remember any of this. I guess if this is going to happen, you're going to be so drunk that you also might not remember it. Like, if you're drunk enough to do this, you're probably drunk enough to black out. But this seems, holy shit. There's also a school of thought that someone brought up. Stories like this are why in my older age, I won't have sex on a full stomach. I have a good meal.

I'm good. If I even like – if I'm talking to a girl and I even feel a fart, I'm like, oh, I'm sexist off the table tonight. That's it, yeah. Dude, imagine how much worse it is for them. Like we got a full belly and we don't want to do it. They get penetrated. Like, imagine you have a full belly and someone's digging out your guts. Like, nah, I'm all set on that.

Just rearranging your guts while you got a belly full of, like, mashed potatoes? No, no, no, no, no, no. There's also the school of thought someone brought up that maybe she just took a shit in the middle of the night and wiped it with a curtain. But that doesn't make sense because you wouldn't just leave that on the floor. Well, that might be – like if there's no toilet paper, you use the curtain. There was. There's very clearly toilet paper. I mean, at that point –

Yeah, and you also wouldn't take a fistful out of the toilet and leave it on the window. Right, right, right. Exactly. So this girl – Unless she knows you're a little fetish and she's like, Hubs will want to smell this in the morning. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Dude, so that's a clear like, talk to you never, right? It has to be. It's just like, and of course this is that guy's first sexual encounter. Okay, so I was going to say, this is where we'll wrap it up and tie it into a KC Radio question. Let's say you're this dude, clearly doesn't have

much success with the girls. This is a girl who did if this is still like on the table and it's like a regular easy thing for you would you call her back no no no no now i mean listen hubs not everybody can be like you with two girls i'm not like this ever happens like if you. If you are truly not successful in this department and you got a sure thing, would you maybe look past this or

every time you look at her, are you thinking about what you did to my bathroom? Oh, I mean, like, I can never even, like, deal with the other girl now because of this. Okay, hang on. Hang on. I've got a picture now. You smelled this? You were unsure what this was? I mean, it's very clearly a whole bunch of shit.

I was also drunk when I woke up in the morning. So, like, I don't know. I wasn't thinking completely. It's a whole bunch of poop on a carton. I mean, I don't even know if we can tweet it out, but it's just guaranteed. Yeah, you're actually right. I think, like, one of the very, very few, like, problems Twitter has is, like, bodily shit like that. I don't know. very, very few problems Twitter has is bodily shit like that. I don't know.

We'll find a way to put this out there. It is aggressive. Oh, God. Thank God for this podcast because I can just have a therapy session. Yeah, that's all this is. And, you know, to the poop bandit out there, not good. It's not great. Not great.

It's not great. It's not great. And to the guy whose house is finding new one. Yeah, that's it. Just, just burn this one down. I'm out. I'm out.

That's like one of those things. Like you found out there's a ghost in the closet or something like that. Ghost in the attic. I'll always go into that room and just think of a covenant poop. Oh, terrible. I don't know though. I mean,

I mean, maybe I'd let her call me back, you know, like listen next weekend, you're drunk, you're bored. She're bored, she lobs you a text. I bet you he responds. And actually, the funny thing is, she did not. I see here my ivory throne right now, or my ivory tower, and you give me a call on it.

Yeah, I'd be like, here's my thing. The chances of that happening twice? 0%. 0%. So you got it out of the way. This hookupup this relationship whatever it's going to be can only go up from here it's true it's an all-time spin zone for you like there's a less chance this girl does it too than anyone else absolutely the next girl you meet

there's like a one percent chance that this might happen then the girl who just did it right zero percent chance she shits all over the walls two weekends in a row. Zero. We got to talk about also how I made the right decision here. Yeah, you did. I could have easily went down this path. Yeah. Like, I would have just been, I might have just not even shown up today. I would have just been mortified. All-time switcheroo.

You didn't know it at the time, but boy, your intuition carried you the right way on that one. And also, I was not as drunk as, like, those two. So, I would have been like, what the fuck is in the bag at, like, three in the morning? I wouldn't have been like my friend. I would have been like, what is going on? the bag? Like three in the morning. I wouldn't have been like my friend. I would be like, what is going on? You guys got to leave right now. So good for you.

Good for your buddy. And God, the things that can go down when you're like single and hooking up and looking and trying, it's a weird world out there. Yeah. That last one though. That's the important one.

That's why I don't find myself in these situations. Let's get into the rest of these voicemails. I hope that that's the important one. That's why I don't find myself in these situations. No trying. Let's get into the rest of these voicemails. I hope that that's the grossest thing we hear about today, but you never know. It's brought to you by Join... We'll move on. That was too much. That was a lot.

That was heavy. Go to joinhoney.com. Honey is an add-on to your Amazon browser, to your internet browser, whenever you're shopping on Amazon, that guarantees you are getting the best price possible. That means if you're shopping for something, it'll let you know if there's one that's on sale.

It'll let you know if there's one that's just for a better price. It will find the lowest price possible for anything that you are shopping on Amazon. And the best part is it's a free add-on. All you got to do is take two clicks, and it's added on, and you continue shopping on Amazon. And the best part is it's a free add-on. All you got to do is take two clicks and it's added on and you continue shopping as always. You don't have to open up any extra programs. You don't have to open up a separate browser. You don't have to go to a special website. You don't have to put in codes. I mean, listen, the whole world runs on promo codes, right? Not Honey. They have simplified that. They're like, people are so lazy,

they can't even put in a code at checkout. We're just going to do all the work for you. So go to join honey.com slash KFC. It's free. And with just two clicks, you'll install the add on and you'll make sure you always get the lowest price on Amazon. Go to join honey.com slash KFC. Let's go. The baller ads. he is no producer BC. What's going on?

So I have a question to ask and I'm going to get to it right now. Um, I'm a big movies alone guy. Uh, I I've been doing that for about 10 years now. All my friends know not to even ask me cause I won't go with them. Um, my parents know everything like that.

I enjoy it because I don't like talking during movies. I like trying to pay attention and, you know, take in everything that it offers. So my question is, I was just listening to Barstool Breakfast, and Francis said that he went on vacation alone to Iceland. And I've been wanting to do vacation alone for a long time, like do like an all-inclusive and just sit on a beach and drink. I don't know if I can work up the courage to do that, though. I feel like that's such a bigger step than, say, movies alone or dinner alone or the bar alone.

Just want to hear what you guys thought. Vacation alone is an enormous step up from the movies alone. One is a quick two hours around the corner. The other is, and listen, don't get me wrong. I bet you it's fire. But the social norms of like, if you meet someone at the hotel bar and they say, what are you doing here? And you say you're just on vacation alone. They call the police.

Okay. Like, that's it for you. I personally love this Francis story. I don't know if you've heard it. It's just great stuff. He says he likes doing it alone a lot. Like, this is his most notable one. Yeah, well, did you know that Francis is absolutely a serial killer?

Like, the joke with Francis is that he's a murderer. So, yeah. But the, it's, you know, I love doing things alone i'd love to be alone but the the idea of vacationing alone especially in a land where like i don't know maybe i guess i could go to like fucking i don't know florida alone or some shit someplace i don't want to go anyway but like the idea of going to a land where you don't speak the native tongue alone is it's extremely difficult like i know when i was in colombia like first of all when i'm in like portugal here now like when i'm even with my family because no one here speaks portuguese it's very nerve-wracking it's stressful

we have like a guide who kind of like takes us to like different places kind of introduces us or gets us to an english-speaking person but like if you're just alone it's extremely stressful i i i know when when i I was in Columbia and like my friend would get up and she'd go to dinner or whatever or she go to the bathroom at dinner. I would be like, I hope no one comes to talk to me because I won't know what to do. I feel like I feel like such a peasant. I'm like, I, you know what? I should have learned your language before I came here. I can't converse. You can't like as much as the whole point of going away on vacation alone is to like be alone.

If you need to like ask questions, if you want to just strike up a conversation, you want to have some small talk, you want to have some sort of interaction and you can't do it. No, thanks, man. I mean, really, we're lucky enough that we speak English that like everyone, everybody speaks English. Yeah, I mean, we are very, very, very popular. The whole point of movies alone is that we're breaking the stigma and fuck what anybody else thinks. Just go do it because you want to do it and enjoy yourself. But I think we have to draw the line at vacations. I don't think we can be encouraging people to just travel alone because they will. People will absolutely assume the worst about you.

Yeah. And also there's also the fear that while you said you know france is a serial killer there's i also have like a very i had like a nightmare here that i was like staying in a house where like there were cameras everywhere and like i was just gonna get killed yeah and at least if you're with people you can fight back you're alone you can get kidnapped and you're gone yeah like maybe the joke is that you're the axe murderer but the real serious situation is that you will get killed by the axe murderer when they realize you're all alone it's like hey that that's the weirdo traveling alone tell me what room he's in i'm gonna rob him i'm for sure gonna rob him i'm gonna follow him he's gonna be alone no one's

gonna be able to help him i'm gonna sneak in kill him take all his shit if you're alone you're defenseless but absolutely i'll say this the that's why work trips are actually kind of fire because you get to go alone and you get to be like i'm here i'm here on work so like i love me i love a good table for one like let me go to a steakhouse by myself let me get an expensive bottle of wine steak a bunch of sides that i ordinarily would split with the whole table and i'm just eating it by myself and then when someone looks at you like you're weird you're're like, I'm here on business. I'm just here through Thursday. I got a conference to go to.

And then you're then you're allowed to now or talk it. Not to mention you can go do absolutely anything you want, get into all sorts of trouble and nobody knows. You can go do this. You can go hire that person. You can do whatever you like. And no one knows. But, you know, you have the ultimate fallback in like, oh, yeah, no, I'm just here for the

conference. My company sent me all by myself. Like now you're, oh, yeah, no, I'm just here for the conference. My company sent me all by myself. Like now you're not a social weirdo. Now you're just here on work. There's also the fear of like getting drunk in public and in a foreign country where like you like need a couple of drinks to feel comfortable. But then too many drinks and you're just a mess with no hope. That's that's I'm not about that. And I've seen enough true crime documentaries and series at this point. drinks and you're just a mess with no hope yeah that's that's i'm not about that that's good and

i've seen enough uh true crime documentaries and series at this point this is when you get picked off and you either get like kidnapped and sold into sex trafficking or they pin a murder on you like all of a sudden you ever see like locked up abroad where it's like there's a bag of cocaine in your bag and it's like i that's not mine i didn't put it there someone put it there doesn't matter you're traveling alone you're suspicious to begin with if you're alone in a foreign country you're ending up in the dead in the gutter or in jail period facts only yeah or you spend way too much money to make a bunch of friends in in iceland or wherever francis was and they all use they all use you for your club table and uh, uh, and that's it. That's such, that's so Francis.

That's so good. Yeah. Come on. I got this bottle. I got these tables. Yeah. Okay. All right,

dude. See, see you never. Thanks for all that liquor. Talk to you. Never. Next up. Hey guys.

He loves it. He still says it was his best friend. Oh, that's Francis for you. All right. Hey guys, quick hypothetical for you. What would win in a race?

A four-legged man or a two-legged horse? Viva. Oh. Wait, can you repeat it? I heard four-legged man or two-legged horse, but what are you doing? Who would win in a race? I think it's still got to be a horse. Like a horse standing upright.

See, the thing is, though, a horse probably has no idea how to walk. Well, I don't know. You were watching the horse ballet, John. You're the expert. You tell me. The horse or the horse ballet? If you're racing a Lusitano horse, that bad guy's probably got you.

Can the horse stand upright on two feet for longer than like a hop or two? I mean, no, not really. Yeah, like even two-legged dogs can't walk. They got to get their wheelies. They got to get their wheelchairs. Yeah, but they can hop and walk upright for a little bit. So as slow as a human is in comparison to a horse, we know how to walk on two feet. And then we can also figure out four feet. Adding legs is fine.

Taking away legs for an animal that's used to four is impossible. Now you're giving it – now it doesn't know how to run at all. So I think – I mean I think a human on four legs is actually probably slower than a human on two legs you know it's like slows you down trying to do the gallop but the horse has no idea how to walk on two legs final answer for me four-legged human fucking horses they can't even figure out how to walk upright idiots i think it depends on what kind of what kind of human though like me I'm probably still losing but if you put like a horse of a human like if you put T.O.

yeah or someone like that T.O. will figure it out I definitely I agree with that but I feel like a horse might just like fall over though I think even me as slow as I am like I don't think the horse will like just even make it to the finish line if you chop off its front two legs.

Casey, Fights BC. Got a sort of a hypothetical for you guys. Would you rather, every time you text someone LOL or haha or something like that, would you rather have to actually be laughing out loud to send that or just never send the the laughings sort of text again like just be seen as an absolute dick by anyone that you're texting yeah i know what you guys have to say i think i listen i think you're either a ha ha ha person or an lol person you fall into one of those two categories but i think either no matter what you are i think they are socially necessary at times to not be able to send those unless you're true. As a matter of fact, most of

the time I send them is I'm not laughing. I'm usually sending them as like, as like a courtesy or we're just trying to keep the conversation going. If you really make me laugh out loud, I'm probably telling you something like, dude, fucking screaming right now like it's it's not just a ha ha ha if i i i need the ha ha ha's because they're actually me telling you like uh wasn't that funny but hey we're just we're moving along here this is a general courtesy this is this is how conversations work if you don't have the ability to send that you don't have the ability to have normal text conversations not i only i don't even like i don't have the ability to send that, you don't have the ability to have normal text conversations. I don't even like – I wouldn't care about them in that situation where someone actually told me a joke.

But I need the prefix ha-ha before I say something to be like, yo, I'm not being too serious. Yes, yes, yes. You know what I mean? Like, ha-ha, I see what you're saying, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. Look, it just – everything sounds really mean without a ha ha. Or like if you're trying to actually be semi serious, you're like, yeah, man, I just I just don't really like it when you when you do that. Ha ha ha. It's like I'm being serious, but I'm and I'm trying to get my point across, but I'm trying to lighten the mood with a little ha ha ha. So it doesn't feel like I'm like we're in a fight right now right right right because it's it's so impossible for like as quickly as humans evolve we still haven't learned text language and how to how to like infer what someone's saying

when they're not right in front of you right i don't know that we ever will because body language is so important but i i think but then i think i would just stop texting like i don't i don't if this if i was given this option i think i'd just stop texting you just be done with it because there's nothing you can do. Yeah, because you can't also just be the person buried in their phone laughing all the time. No. Because that's so annoying. Gaz is like that.

Just always laughing. And he'll just keep laughing louder. And you're like, okay, dude. What? What do you want to tell me? Yeah, you clearly want me to ask you what you're laughing at. I understand. You dickhead.

Yeah. So people would just always be asking you, what? Oh, no. I'm just trying not to be a dick to my friend right now. I also think that sometimes the, uh, sarcastic ha ha is actually useful. Like, like if I, if I am giving you, if we're just doing a general small talk conversation or you actually made me laugh a little bit, you're going to get a ha ha ha H A H A H A. If I hit you with just the ha ha, that means that's my little, like my girly passive aggressive way of being like, yeah, I don't actually think that's funny. You know what I mean? I think sometimes the, the,

the sarcastic way can let the person know, yeah, man, I don't find that. I don't, I don't think you're funny at all. Like a flat LOL. It's like, oh, all right, you actually thought I crossed the line or that wasn't funny. Okay, I understand. These are important social necessities. I actually don't even give a haha anymore. I go three or I don't respond. Well, you also do that ridiculous. You do the ridiculous haha that you can push-ha that you can push the button ha-ha, and that's just.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just. You're an asshole for that. Because people have learned that the ha-ha is mean, so I don't want to be said. But sometimes you want to be mean on purpose. Not mean, but it's just like, hey, man, that's like the 10th time you've made that joke, and I don't actually find it funny. Ha-ha. Shut the fuck up.

Not me. I don't say that one. I just ignore it. I pretend I didn't actually find it funny. Ha ha, shut the fuck up. Bobby, I don't say that one. I just ignore it. I pretend I didn't get it. And then when you text me later, I go, sorry, I missed that one. Yeah, you're a big one of those. Yeah, sorry, I missed that one. Well, guess what, John? You can still react to it right now, you fucking asshole.

Next up. I keep saying you. I don't mean you in particular. Uh-huh, yeah, okay. Yeah, it's not actually you, the person that I text with all the fucking time. It's another you. Yo, what's good? KFC, fights, BC.

All right, so I got a beta boy debate. What is the best rom-coms? Personally, I am going, number one, Along Came Polly. Great comedy, and then you get the romantics. Yeah. Two, we gotta go Sweet Home in Alabama, and then three, I gotta get soft and go

The Notebook. I love the stuff you guys have, Spice. You love this shit. KFC, you definitely devil. Well, the hot one in the streets right now is Set It Up. Everyone's raving about that one on Netflix. I got to be honest.

I got to be honest. I didn't like it as much as you guys do. I thought the first half was interesting. I thought the first half was interesting, and I thought that the premise is good. It's a tale as old as time, sort of like set up. The couple setting each other up falls in love as well. But halfway through, I kind of ran out of gas. I was like, it didn't capture me.

And the dude in Set It Up sucks. The main guy? No, I like him. Oh, he is the most unlikable character I've ever seen in a movie. I was actually waiting for, like, someone else to swoop in and be like, actually, I'm, like, the male hero character because this guy fucking blows. He, like, comes across as the douchebag that he is in the beginning of the movie. I can see where you're coming from with this,

but I disagree with it. I don't think you're crazy for the date, but I personally liked him. The girl is infinitely better than he is as the guy. You need a guy that matches her. She's a queen. Zoe Dutch or whatever her name is. She's the best. I fell in love with her in five minutes

in that movie. Favorite rom-coms ever. I missed this third. The Notebook. That's not even a rom-com. That's like a romantic drama. That's a whole different class, I think. I would not call The Notebook a rom-com. Oh, hell no.

I've still never seen it, but no, I would not call that a rom-com oh hell no yeah oh i've still never seen it but um no i would not call that a rom-com i gotta go best of all time it's a toughie and and by all time let's put a caveat here it's like the last 15 years like that's what all of course we're not going like anything further than like the 90s get out of here i mean to me i got crazy stupid love has to be on there see that that almost is like even that I feel like is. That just putting that in a rom-com box is, I think, doing a disservice to crazy, stupid love. That's a great fucking movie. But yeah, I mean, it's romance.

It's a romance and comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with it. What about like forgetting Sarah Marshall? Was that. I mean, again, to me, that feels like a comedy that has relationships in it like like matthew mcconaughey is the rom-com you know like that is a movie that they sit down and say let's make a rom-com how to lose a guy in 10 days is the gold standard for rom-coms i I just think you're penalizing

Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Pretty Stupid Love for their great stand-alone movies. Correct. I am. I really am. Is Forgetting Sarah Marshall is that like a Judd Apatow movie? I think it is, right? Or one of those. It's got Seagull in it. That's like a comedy movie

that there's relationships involved in it. So that's a com-rom. Yes, exactly. That's like a comedy movie that is there's relationships involved in it. But there may be a com rom. Yes, exactly. That's exactly what those movies are. They are com roms. And even and even Crazy Stupid Love might be a drum rom. That might be like there's more to it. That's like a family movie. That's like a fam rom. There's there's all different categories here. Rom coms are like we know we're making a pretty bad movie, to be honest. And and and but we're going to pretty bad movie to be honest. And,

and, and, but we're going to make it funny at the same time. You're going to end up liking it. This almost is too, this is almost too deep, John.

I feel like we got to, we'll save this for our next episode where we actually make our official list. The official KFC and Feidelberg Rom-Com list

from KFC Radio. We'll, we'll put together our actual top five. You guys can start tweeting us so that we don't miss any gems and we'll make sure we do this right where we put together the official list deal. This will be Friday's quickie. Perfect. This deserves its own standalone episode.

You get back to your infinity pool. Enjoy Portugal. Enjoy Ronaldo again and come home, babe. I miss you. I'm coming home soon. I'll be home tomorrow. Alright, we'll see you then. We'll talk to you guys next time. Later. Portugal, Portugal! Thank you.