KFC Radio - KFCradio: Friday Weddings, Pirate Parties, and Irish Goodbye Your Life

Episode Date: September 25, 2018

The Tennesse Titans are courting John, Friday weddings get a bad wrap, Sunday weddings are still for poors, pirate party problems, and KFC skips 5th & 6th grade. Voicemails include: would you rather bear claws or bear body, when to be the richest in the world, hear crickets or tarantula on the face, and Mike Francesa dreamsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio. John, today I woke up, the temperature was 54 degrees. Oh, I woke up much later than you, but it was 62. It was like 70, and it was, I gave like a fist pump. I gave a little visual for everyone just starting off a Tuesday. I gave a naked fist pump in my bathroom. Oh, no.

Because I had just got out of the shower. Good naked and bad naked. There's no good naked. No good naked. I checked the weather, and it was 60 degrees. Gave just a dick-shaking fist pump. Went all over the place. Water splashing around like an elephant that just got out of the water.

Dog. all over the place. Water splashing around like an elephant that just got out of the water. I didn't see this going out of direction at all. We like to think it weird. Well, as soon as I saw 50s, I officially declared it boot season. Yes. It's mid-late. It's late September now. It's boot season. It's hat season. It's hoodie season. Trying to get these fits on.

I got a pair of Thursday boots on right now. Thursday boots are made with high-quality materials, produced very quickly, gets shipped directly to you quickly. It cuts out all the middleman so that you can get high-quality boots right to your hands as soon as boot season hits. So you can get them right now. And the boots, I'm rocking these. It's got like this uh brown like canvas material like a war it's like a worn brown you don't want to be wearing new no no new boots because boots are boots there's something to boots that are a little bit like

like doesn't wear and tear right a little bit not like i'm saying you got to go do manual labor but if you're the guy walking around with like crispy new boots it's like come on you're not a boot guy i bought a pair of boots probably two years ago, and this is going to sound bad. But I was just throwing them on the ground. Yeah, just rah-rah-rah. I was just in the backyard. I got them for Christmas. I was in the backyard just spiking.

It's like breaking into a baseball mat. Yeah, yeah. Same thing. Throw them in the oven real quick. Sleep on them under your pillow. Have the dog chew it up. Play fetch with it. Yeah, they're all scratched up and scuffed up.

That's when they look good. Yeah, you got to be a little manly about it. We're not men, but it's nice to have the appearance of a man. Not even remotely close to a man. I'm not a man, but I can dress like one. Yeah. And a good pair of boots is exactly how you do just that. That's true.

Go to Thursdayboots.com. Use the promo code FREESHIP2DAY, the number two. FREESHIP2DAY. And you can get them delivered to your door by this Thursday. Go get Thursday boots.com. Use the promo code free ship today. The number two free ship today. And you can get them delivered to your door by this Thursday. Go get them right now. Two days. Uh, let's get into it,

man. We got a full batch of voicemails. You, uh, the big Tuesday because we didn't do a quickie Monday. So this is a big day. I did one with Ellie, by the way.

Oh yeah. I replaced you. Okay. Um, this is news to me. I would have retweeted or something. No one even told me. Yeah. I pulled you. Okay. This is news to me. I would have retweeted it or something. No one even told me. Yeah, I pulled her in because we were talking about Instagrams and Finstagrams.

She eventually ended up saying that two things. She said, one, girls cater so much more to guys in relationships. Like girls bend over backwards and change themselves and do whatever the guy wants in a relationship, which I almost puked on the table. I disagree. Like wholeheartedly. Yeah. And then she also said the best, nicest, like cleanest way, easiest way to break up with

someone is just to ghost them and to never talk to them. That's what I said. I love that. Yeah. I'm all about that. Fuck. Don't. See, Ellie, see, Ellie is what I'm talking about.

John agrees with you. That's when you know it's a problem. So we do have a quickie out with Ellie. I'm 100% pro, just like, yep, don't tell me

what's wrong with me because I'm not going to fix it anyway. It's just going to make me feel bad about myself. Just disappear. That's it. I think most people

want a little bit of closure, but if you're crazy like John, let it rip. Fuck closure. If you need closure, you're such a weak pussy. Closure's for suckers, man. You're not going to change anything about yourself. I know the bad stuff. You need closure. You're such a weak pussy. Closure's for suckers, man. You're not going to change anything about yourself.

I know the bad stuff. That is true. All it's going to do is make you have to formulate an argument for why that's not correct. They do that shit in shows. That's like a very dramedy trope. It happened recently watching Two Nights to End classic, Miles Teller. And they have sex. And then they're like, well, we can just judge each other. We'll tell each other.

We'll get better. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't work, especially with sex. Sex and just your general disposition towards life are the two most difficult things to get better at. Yeah. And you just telling me my flaws is only going to make me self-conscious about them and worse at them. I'm not going to be like. Or, I mean, I'm going to dig my heels in.

I'm going to be like, no, I'm going to keep doing that move. Because it's good. Fuck you. You don't know what you're talking about. Although there was a change where she explains to him, she's like, remember when you were going down on me and I almost came? And then you just like totally changed what you're doing? I did it all the time. All the time.

I did stop doing that. Stay the course. stay the course stay the course oh you're starting to fucking vice grip my head okay I'm just going to keep doing the same thing instead of being like like do it until you get like cramps in your tongue and your neck and your jaw otherwise

you're stopping and starting too much so that was i guess i really just shot myself in the foot with everything i just said leading up to that but stand by it no the rest of it though it's like what do you know you don't know shit about me you're choosing to what we were saying breaking up with someone you were blatantly saying i would rather i have two options have you in my life or not have you in my life and i have decided to not have you in my life it is have decided to not have you in my life it is absolutely

the meanest thing you can do to someone just your entire existence bothers me so much I need to put an end to it I need to get it out that's what breaking up is it is illegal to kill you

so I'm just going to never speak to you do it emotionally but then if you if that person who's telling who's acknowledging that to me

is giving me all sorts of critiques, I'm going to be like, you don't fucking know what you're talking about. Fuck you. So long story short, don't ever judge me. Don't ever tell me anything about myself I don't like. Just ghost me. Maybe she's right. I'm the same way.

It's not even just relationships. No, no. But here was my point is that if you ghost me, my imagination's going wild. Now I'm thinking everything's the problem. Whereas if you just said to me, yo, man, your job, I don't fucking like it. You bother me. I'm out. I'd be like, all right, well, she doesn't like my job.

Projecting. But at least you know, rather than obviously at home, well, was it the sex? Was it the way I said this? Was it when I took her out and did that? I mean, I guess I could see that narrow the field down for me. I guess I could see that. Like the last time I got dumped, it was,

it's the only reason I got was it's not the reason you think. That's the most menacing, like, okay, Thanos, like what are you talking about over here? It's no, it's not like that.

It's not what you think. I would be like, well, what was I thinking? I wasn't thinking anything. I didn't think we were going to break up. But, I mean, I guess me just bringing it up proves that I hadn't stopped thinking about it. But I don't think about it on a daily basis.

When we're talking about being dumped, it comes to my mind. But it's not something I'm sitting over stewing about. I'd still prefer just a ghost. All right. Even with firing, when I get fired from Barstool, I hope Dave just moves the office. Just doesn't fire me. He goodwill huntings you. Yeah, just moves the office.

Well, here's what I said. Here's what my thought was, and I want to get your opinion on it. We should, as a society, agree that if someone texts you or says to you like a safe word basically like we need to talk. That's it. It's over. Okay. You know, but my problem is

I guess if we need to talk became like the turn the key words, you would just come up with another phrase. Right. But my point being that like we just all need to acknowledge

that if the person says that they're trying to break up with you, they want to break up with you, they're trying to do it the right way, they're trying not to ghost you, they don't want to hurt your feelings, but they want to let you know. So just let them go.

Yeah. So just let's all agree to that as a fucking society. We need to talk means it's done. It's over. So if someone sits you down and says that, say, you know, it's been real. Thank you for the honesty. Here's the bill. I'm out.

That's what's up. I'll cover this. This is on me. Speaking of breaking up, John, you need to break up with the New England Patriots. Okay, well, let's relax. Let's get into some Barstool Sports Talk. Barstool Sports Talk is brought to you by Burrow. Get yourself a Burrow couch right now.

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The New England Patriots stink. They stink out loud. They have won a million times before. You have been nothing but loyal. Probably the most loyal out of everyone I've ever known to the Patriots. Never wavered. Full commitment the whole night. But they stink now.

I'm not ready to say they stink. I will fully admit what I watched last night was not the sport that I'm used to watching. I saw your tweet. Welcome to my world. I'm about to do that every single week. I don't know why people enjoy that sport. It's not a fun one. I don't.

It's not a fun one to watch. I don't. If you were me, do you think you'd watch sports? No. Probably not. If you had your knowledge, no. But if you were just me. It's kind of like anything.

If I lived in Indiana, would I stay alive? Probably not. Probably kill myself. No. But if I grew up there and it's all I knew, then I guess guess that's why i guess like my point is like it's all i know and i'm ready to like abandon it's still no i'm like i i'm only basically doing this if i don't i think if i didn't work in it i barely watch sports anymore because it makes me so fucking miserable when i do it for a living. If I didn't have any accountability,

there are definitely times where I'm like, they're going to lose this game, but I got to be able to talk about it on the radio tomorrow. If I didn't have that, I'd be like, I'm going to watch a movie. No, that makes sense. Last night was difficult to watch that. It hurt to see, but I'm not... And now, the X Factor,

you are being wooed. I'm being wooed. By a team that I think is pretty legit. Being wooed by the Tennessee Titans makes you feel sexy. Yeah. It's a good second option. Right now, you've been married. You have this old, shitty relationship.

Guys don't talk. No intimacy. You don't enjoy each other's company. But Guys don't talk. No intimacy. You don't enjoy each other's company. But you had good times. Great times. And you're loyal to each other. But neither of you, it's stale. They're stale.

You're bored. Stale. Everything you're saying is rather accurate. And now you have this new sexy little minx. They got great uniforms. They look very pretty every Sunday. And they got a great new head coach. And they want you. They're great uniforms. They look very pretty every Sunday. And they got a great new head coach. And they want you.

They're pursuing you. Their fucking slogan is for the boys. Mike Vrabel wants you. They're wearing hats like you. They want John Feidelberg. They know John Feidelberg's mind makes shit happen. You want to get popular? You attach yourself to John fucking Feidelberg.

You want slogans and catchphrases and coverage and jokes and all that You attach yourself to Jon fucking Feidelberg. You want slogans and catchphrases and coverage and jokes and all that shit? You go with Jon Feidelberg. They want you. If I were you, I would be out on the Patriots. I'd be like, yo, it's been real. We had a great time. We'll never forget you. I'm on to the new shit over here.

Here's the deal. Obviously, their mantra, the Tennessee Titans mantra, is for the boys. They probably have seven tweets since yesterday of players yelling for the boys, of Mike Rabel in the postgame locker room giving the speech that ends with the whole team coming together going, let's go, one, two, three, for the boys! And it's enticing. You're goddamn right.

It's fun. I mean, I count Coach Rabel as a close personal friend. Mike Rabel's enticing. You're goddamn right. It's fun. I mean, I count Coach Raybould as a close personal friend. Mike Raybould's the coolest. There's only one person in the world as cool as Mike Raybould, and it's Mrs. Raybould. She's awesome. Like, that couple is the best couple,

the biggest power couple I've ever met. And they also have, like, it's fun because they're new. They're a new, sexy relationship. I don't even mean with me. I mean, them, themselves, and they're doing the culture change thing. I love a good culture change. I don't even mean with me. I mean them themselves. And they're doing the culture change thing. I love a good culture change.

Oh, I love a culture change. I thought I had a culture change. Didn't have a culture change. Had a week-long culture change. Back to the same old culture. No, I'm all about the culture change. The Red Sox kind of had one this year with Cora from Farrell. And it's fun to be part of a culture change.

No, no, no. You are not part of a culture change. You are inspiring a culture change. You are the culture no. You are not part of a culture change. You are inspiring a culture change. You are the culture change. I am the one who not. Yeah, I was just about to say it. You're goddamn right. You almost cannot turn this down.

This honestly, seriously, this is almost like if you got drafted by the Titans. You'd be like, oh, I grew up a Patriots fan, but I'm a Titan now. That's true. You are basically, they are recruiting you to be part of the organization. Like, okay. Like, what if tomorrow they came to you and they were like, we need you, you're going to like run PR for us. No.

I thought about it. I mean. The, the, it's. What if you could run Titans PR without like leaving this job? Look, I'm not even going to entertain this idea. Okay. I'm a Patriots even going to entertain this idea. I'm a Patriots guy. I went to jail.

This is the Belichick school. I went to jail for the New England Patriots. I know exactly, though. That's not something you just brush off. I did a bid for them. I took a heater for you. I'm not fucking going anywhere. It's nice. It's very nice.

It's nice to be wanted. It makes you feel very good. Yeah. And yeah, maybe when everyone's in bed, the kids are tucked away, I'll lay in bed and think, hmm. Would be nice. Would be nice. Would be nice to be in bed with the Titans. When Brady's in bed at 8 o'clock, I'll be up at midnight going, hmm.

Those powder blue unis looking extra sexy. I have fantasies about what my life could be like as they're in first place. I'm in third right now. It's not a great feeling. But like the T-shirt that has been released says. You can dread it and you can run from it. But destiny still arrives. And Bill Belichick is still walking through that door.

Tom Brady is still walking through that door. Soon, Trey Flowers, Patrick Chung, Julian Edelman, Josh Gordon. They're going to be walking through that door. Tom Brady is still walking through that door. Soon Trey Flowers, Patrick Chung, Julian Edelman, Josh Gordon, they're going to be walking through that door. So I admit, we hit a rough patch. We hit a rough patch. I'm going back to high school loves and kind of checking out their Facebooks being like, oh look at she is cute.

I changed my relationship status to it's complicated last night. And I got a couple of hussies in my DM saying, what's up, babe? Come over here. I'll take care of you, girl.

Forget about him. And I'm not ready to forget about it. I'm not going to forget about him, but it feels nice. The loyalty is inspiring. It's inspiring. I'm just saying, if you look back and it's week 13,

you guys are actually once having a shitty season, say you're six and seven. Will you have been like, man, I should have been fucking the Tennessee Titans? Yeah, probably. I mean, I'm a fucking red blooded man. If they're fucking atop the AFC South still, and they're going to have a bye week going into the playoffs, Nashville's rocking. See, that's the other thing about the Titans is they're a pretty cool team.

They're not like a scrub team. They're not historically a joke. They're not like a powerhouse by any means, but they're a cool city, cool coach, like an air about them that's like, I can get down with them. I just think about it. It is one of those things where the's a grass is always greener thing too because I love Bill Belichick I

would do anything I would go to jail for Bill Belichick and Tom Brady but it also and I love that that feeling of like I know my guys are just working that's all they're doing they're just working they're in there today they're butting heads they're trying to figure out how the fuck to get a first down right and it's nice to know that.

But it's also, it's kind of like the juxtaposition between the 0-4 Yankees and Red Sox. Where the Red Sox were just having fun, a bunch of idiots. They're just like, yeah, we just like each other. We're having a good time. And the Yankees were, shave your fucking mustache, get into work on time. All we do is work here. And that's nice when it's winning and I think anyone will tell you it sucks when it's not

because even if you're bad at least if you have a fun team that's still something to pay attention to like you guys did with the Rex Ryan years and I just think of the Titans aren't bad but the like Vrabel's coaching introduction when he's on stage just with a drink that's my guy! Here's the problem

Mike Vrabel is a fucking winner, dude. That team, right now, they're just having fun and they're the idiots and shit. A couple years, you mix a little bit of that Vrabel on stage with a drink with the Patriot way that he's got in him somewhere. Watch out, buddy. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, guess what? It's a dangerous mix.

Guess what? They've moved on. You had your shot, John, and you're rooting for bum-ass 50-year-old Tom Brady while Rables win in fucking Lombardis, and it could have been you. I'm laughing a lot during this. It scares you. I wanted to be very clear that there is – I am not for sale. It scares you.

It's fine. It's fine. I'd be scared, too, if I were you. I can appreciate other teams. I will appreciate the Titans. I like them. But they're not my team. You're staying with your marriage.

You guys got married. You had a nice, lovely wedding back in 2001 or whenever this began. John's got some opinions on weddings. Controversial. Hot takes, I might even say. I disagree. Well, let's get into it. John's got a wedding take. It's brought to you by FanDuel.

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Go to fanduel.com slash beat Dave. John went to a wedding this weekend. I feel like you've been doing that. A lot of weddings. Yeah, you're right at that age. I mean, I remember I think like one summer I had like 13 weddings to go to. I tweeted about this weekend

and someone tweeted back, dude, you've been talking about weddings a lot. Is everything okay? Yeah, a lot of friends got weddings. I mean, you're late 20s, early 30s. That's what happens. But you know what is funny is I remember thinking I'm not going to do about it for fantasy. I'm going to weddings. I had like 13 weddings in one season

and I mean like humblebrag, but I was like, I kind of like all these people. I was like, someone was like, come on, you got to cut a couple of those. And I mean like humblebrag but I was like I kind of like all these people I was like someone was like come on you got to cut a couple of those and I was like not really they're all like pretty good friends or you know that's what Gaz was talking to me about where he was like he's like I just hate weddings

I love weddings but I just go to the ones I like so yeah I guess but do you often say no to weddings no I just don't get invited right that's what I mean like if I got an invite I'm pretty much going. Unless I can't. But I've never been like, thanks for the invite. I don't really like you that much.

If someone's sending me an envelope, we're pretty much cool enough that I should or want to go. Anyway, you went this weekend. Sounds like you chopped it up. I had a blast this weekend. This is probably my most fun weekend of the summer. Really? Yeah. Well, it weekend of the summer. Really? Yeah. Well, it's not the summer at all.

It's late September. Actually, summer ended just two days ago. Right. So it's not the... Yeah, but I was at a wedding for it. September... Because it was on a Friday. September has two times as many summer days as June.

Not many people know that. Whoa. Mind blown. John's just dropping knowledge on motherfuckers here today. And he's here to tell you that friday wedding's where it's at what there wow wait why all right so here's the i will readily admit that i used to be a fool like you i used to be i used to be the guy who you know when someone says they're going to a friday wedding i'd give them 100 bucks and say give

this to the couple for me they clearly need it more than I do right like I get that the Friday wedding idea of it it makes you think of like a Knights of Columbus hall where like they're gonna have yellow American cheese oh yeah big time oh well let's not slant a yellow American cheese someone's uncle shows up and zip off pants because he couldn't find his good slacks and he's wearing a polo. Cash bar, the whole nine. The bride's cousin is doing the DJ and he's doing it pro bono because exposure matters more to him at this point. Of course. He's trying to grow

his Instagram account. Right, right, right. That's what you think of when you think Friday wedding. Obviously, I wouldn't be caught dead at such a party. You are an elitist. You're smug. You're holier than thou. It's fine. This Friday wedding was held at an estate at their own. It wasn't necessary

to rent out a place. But it's just so much... So here's the deal. Thursday... First of all, people complain about you have to miss work. Well, guess what, guys? Work fucking sucks. Having to miss work is not a negative. Work is the worst. Like, I'll skip work if I have a bad shower.

Like, if I wake up in the morning, I'm like, ah, the shampoo didn't really take today. I'm staying home. I'm out for today. So, yeah, dressing up fancy and dancing with my friends is an excuse to miss work. That passes my ass. I understand that missing work is a good thing. You also have to understand that we are in Never Never Land, where some people, it's like, I can't miss work, and if I do, it's going to be a fucking

fiasco. Nah, I don't think that's a thing. Okay. We'll just ignore that. That's people who have way too high a sense of self-worth. That's true, too. You work at a fucking company. Unless you work for your self-cleaning gutters. Like, the only way you work falls apart if you're not there. That's the only way.

I've often said, one of the first things I said on Mail Time. Take your vacation. Leave early. Come in late. Because the guy who does that is getting paid just as much as you. You don't matter. You're the one putting the pressure on yourself. Work will go just fine.

If you're like a lawyer who tries to help the kidnapped kids at the border, sure. Show up to that. Sounds important, show up to that court date. 99% of you don't fucking matter. So, take the day off. Take the day off. That's one day. And even on a Saturday wedding, you're probably leaving Friday afternoon anyway, so you're skipping

a half a day. You're not showing up for the morning work. Unless you gotta skip like, unless you gotta leave like Thursday. I left Thursday at 4 o'clock I think. So you basically to skip, like, unless you got to leave like Thursday. I left Thursday at four o'clock, I think. So you basically took a day and a half off.

I took a day and an hour off. Let's not get day and a half. Half day, bro. Took a day and an hour off. It's not that hard. And it's just like, when you go to work, Saturday weddings

are such a whirlwind where you don't get to see the couple even because they're busy friday night and they're busy getting ready saturday morning and then sunday morning sunday morning is the goddamn worst because you wake up at noon on sunday when the airbnb move out was 10 and like the kids are already home the family's home again and you're kind of coming downstairs all disheveled like sorry alarm didn't didn't go off. And you got to fucking take your –

Hypothetically. Yeah. You got to fucking take your ass home by yourself. You just saw all this love happening and you got to drive home hungover, probably crying. And you got to work tomorrow. Yeah. And you got to work the next day. I went to work, ripped it up Friday, and then we went to the beach Saturday.

With a couple? Yeah, a couple. All our friends were there. You do get to get the wedding out of the way, which sounds funny because that's why you're there. But no, not really. The wedding is the formality. The wedding is like, yeah, we got to do this whole thing. So you get it out of the way, and then you can have a fun, normal weekend.

Yeah, you get to spend time with your friends who just had a great life event. And then we ordered pizza to the beach. I saw that. That was awesome. That was straight from the Domino's commercial. They like know where you're at oh i didn't know that domino's has like this hot spot thing where it's like you can be in a park you can be at a beach and they just like claim that they can deliver it right to you and i never believed it oh we know we didn't use a hot spot called like a local spot and they were just like it was domino's we just

called we were like yeah we're at the beach like if you go up like trail street that way yeah yeah yeah you can't miss us over the mountain um over the mountain dune um but it was it was and it was just awesome it was like the the everything about it was a lot of fun i i i feel you the problem is um if you have a wedding on friday you're a poor person so that's's really just it. Yeah. And that's just the fact. That's so it's like I, I understand. But you also just have this reputation of people being like, well, you're poor. Yeah. And we got to stop.

We got to rebrand. Yeah. I stopped Friday shaming. I'm not poor. I like spending time with my friends. I like. What about the Sunday wedding? Well, I mean, you fucking shoot yourself in the face, obviously.

Sunday wedding is ridiculous. Who the fuck would ever do that? If you, if I'm ever getting married and my bride just even jokingly offers the idea of a Sunday wedding, over. Marriage over. Life over. Sunday wedding or a cash bar, over. Done.

Not happening. Now, when when you This also They also did a No dinner They just wanted people to get fucked up I feel that I really There was food passed all night

And there were stages for like You can grab food So it was just like a cocktail The whole time Yeah And it was We just wanted people to get fucked up So

I like that But like then you have to You have to decide whether you're like Doing it for grandma or you're doing it for your friends. They chose friends. Yeah. That's what's up. Always choose friends. Good for them.

So way off. I'm really hooked on that one. I've been hot, too. It sounds like you had quite the weekend hanging out with your friends. Yes, I did. Met a new member of the crew? Not a super new member of the crew not a super new member of the crew okay so but like it was like it was like uh like a friend's boyfriend who like he means like he's

been around for a very long time but just more recently been hanging out with us more and more right and so what happened to you here with this i mean so whatever he's been around for a little little time maybe he's new by this standard that standard Whenever your friend Is introducing a boyfriend or a girlfriend To the crew It's a precarious time High pressure High leverage

So it's like You go in giving them the benefit of the doubt But also depending on who they are What the circumstances are Maybe you have the bar a little bit high Because you want good things for your friends or who knows what the last boyfriend or girlfriend was like they got a lot of they got big shoes to fill or they got a situation to clean up whatever it's just a lot of factors playing in and when you start hanging out with that person

it's very much make or break for your like friendship with the person your friendship with the new boyfriend or girlfriend and their relationship as well. If that if that process does not go well, it all hell could break loose. Yeah, it's I I remember being in that situation and it was the worst. It's the worst. You're basically like on. It's like an audition. Yeah. Kind of on trial. It's like more important than your first date. Yeah, right. Right. It is. It is. It's like, all right your first date Yeah right right it is It's like alright you've accepted me but now like Your gang needs to accept me bring me home to the tribe

And see if they can like join the village It's more important than meeting the parents It's the most important thing that can happen in a relationship The first time you meet Right because the friends don't like you It's just like you know that they're lying every time Like oh yeah John he's a cool guy Or you know whatever it may be

Which is usually what the response is It's nice I guess Yeah yeah always always i guess enough nice enough you're like even your parents like your parents it's almost like we're trained not trained but i i think in in pop culture and stuff like that the parents don't like the cop the boyfriend or girlfriend more often than not where it's always like they meet the parent situation? Yeah, it's always like a contentious relationship. So you're almost trained as a young person to expect that. Right, but friends is just like,

hey, what's up, man? It's like, why don't you like me, dude? You have this idea that it's supposed to be this perfect thing. Right. Now you meet, you know, you're hanging out with the relatively new boyfriend, and he pulls a move that I honestly think is preemptive breakup worthy i don't want to i don't want to shit on love here i'm rooting for these kids but i also think that they probably

need to break up well you know what so so what happened was in the morning there was an email and he was the only one who saw it and And he said, guys, you have to believe how perfect this turns out. There's a pirate party at West End tonight. And we were like, everyone was like, oh, shit. Pirate party. You kind of woke up excited, a little hungover, a little drunk still. We're like, fucking pirate party. Hell yeah.

We're asking where to get fucking eye patches. We're joking about cutting off legs to put on. So we go home with peg legs. We're just having like all day. We're telling everyone, everyone at the beach, like people we don't even know. People walking by like, pirate party, West Deck, tonight. Everyone was gassed up. And then at about 9.30, 9 o'clock, we checked the email again.

Oh, no, we called. We called West Deck to be like, so what's – we didn't want to be the only one showing up dressed like pirates if it wasn't really that intense. Right. So we called West Deck and we were like, so what's the deal with the pirate party tonight? And they're like, what are you talking about? Said, there's a pirate party tonight. Is it super dress up or is it kind of just casual or is it just the theme there? Are a lot of people going to be dressed up?

And they said, we have no idea what you're talking about. There is a private party tonight and the bar is closed. And he had misread private for pirate. My man pulled a real life Charlie Kelly. It's literally. It's a direct script of always sunny like one off right out and people like even early and when it was like okay this is this is this character charlie kelly we need to establish that he might be retarded

let's go with a pirate private mix-up the new boyfriend in the crew did that. But you know what? I think the best sign for that is that we did make fun of him. Yeah, yeah. If you're like, oh my God, did you believe that fucking idiot? Right, right, right. If you're busting his balls, I think it's more dangerous if it's like, if we're making fun of you, you're accepted. You're it. Yeah, that's true.

If it was quiet and just kind of like a real silence fell upon the room, everyone was like, holy fucking shit. This guy's a fucking moron. It just ended up like, oh, what? And also, there is a chance that we just didn't really fully inspect the email. Maybe it's a private pirate party that he was invited to. Maybe you're all idiots because to just randomly have a pirate party is not a thing at newport it is newport is a big pirate pirate town yeah pirate parties left and right it's not no one was like wait why are they having a party that was my first thought i

was like i've never been to a pirate party all right cool happened again yeah it's a sailing sea town like yeah like pirate themed stuff i i gotta give that guy all the credit in the world because i would absolutely ghost i would i would go to the bathroom and i would never come back rather than just stand there and like hold the invitation and be like oh uh guys it says private not pirate i would rather die than have to admit that to a room. And I think I would go up to her and be like, you are lovely. Your friends are actually great too.

It's over. And she'll be like, why? And I'd be like, I can't tell you. And that's when we have to institute our rule. We have to talk. We have to talk. Because sometimes we have to talk might mean, you know, I've got like emotional issues because I have like, you know, an Oedipus complex.

Or it might mean I misread an invitation and told this entire room of people there was a pirate party tonight. And it turns out not only is there not a pirate party, it's private and we can't even go at all. So now the night's totally ruined. I would absolutely pull a preemptive breakup in that moment so uh put you know if that guy is man enough to admit that and she is cool enough to to continue to accept his dumb ass and you guys as friends are all cool with it i'll bet on that couple right now they're gonna have a lovely friday wedding one day voicemail time brought to you by black buffalo i said it before i'll say again i do not want john to die of cancer yeah I heard you got real dark.

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for $5 off your next purchase of the five pack of long cut at blackbuffalo.com voicemails yo kfc by bc so i got a little bit of a situation i went to school out in cleveland ohio i got a job they shipped me out to lincoln nebraska i was out there for seven months, starting to make pretty good friends, people I go out with every weekend and whatnot. Well, turns out the job fucking sucks, and I have a pretty good opportunity back in Cleveland, so I'm moving back to Cleveland.

My scenario is do I have the whole like oh goodbye like the friends i made in nebraska do i send off and have like a nice little hey guys i'll miss you and we'll we'll stay in touch or do i just fucking irish goodbye this shit fake to black and be like, well, that was a fun run but let's never talk about this again. Let me know your thoughts. How long was he there? How long was he in Nebraska for? I don't think he said specifically

but it didn't seem too long but that does matter. If he's been there a year, I think it changes things. Yo, KFC, bye, BC. So I got a little bit of a situation.

I went to school out in Cleveland, Ohio. I got a job. They shipped me out to Lincoln, Nebraska. I was out there for seven, eight months. Okay. You have the chance to pull the ultimate Irish goodbye. A life Irish goodbye. It's one thing to do it at a party.

It's one thing to do it at an event of some sort. You get to Irish goodbye on a life. That is so awesome. People will assume you're dead. People will assume you went into witness protection. People will assume you're dead. People will assume you went into witness protection. People will assume all sorts of shit. You're leaving a wake of tall tales behind you as you go back to Cleveland. I'm going to tell you.

Not only do you have to avoid the awkward conversations of goodbye, I'll miss you. You also get to do it and it's easier for you. And you get to have this fucking badass reputation when you leave. Peace, ghost. Yeah. I mean, obviously, this is very difficult to say based on. I don't know. I don't know if you like them or these people.

But if I had the opportunity at Irish Goodbye Barstool, I'd probably say goodbye to like three of you. Good Will Hunting, man. I don't want it. I've always said that. I don't want it. And it would just be like I wouldn't even explain to like three of you. Good Will Hunting, man. I don't want it. I've always said that. I don't want it. And it would just be like, I wouldn't even explain to you what was happening. I would just like hit you on the shoulder and be like, yo. And then walk out.

And I would check your Twitter handle and it just changes back to like Jay Feidelberg. That's it. He's gone. That's the Irish goodbye. I would love it. I think that's the way to do it. I would love nothing more than that to happen. Because it is.

And you can create. You know what I would do? I would like hire a PR firm or something like that. Someone who, maybe one of those things kind of like in Always Sunny where they have like the clue games. Uh-huh. I would hire someone to just leave a trail of me where like it goes somewhere other than Cleveland.

The people. Following you to the end of the earth. It would be the gift I would give them is this mystery yeah where I mean I they'd always be talking about that is that guy Feidelberg the most conceited thing I've ever heard that someone would follow your mystery I'd be like there's some

clue here that he like picked up and I don't really care if I just stop showing up rent a car one day and he just I don't fucking care if I just showed up to work on if I just didn't showed up to work on, if I just didn't show up to work tomorrow for a week straight. And then on my desk, on my desk was like under the Brooklyn bridge, 11 o'clock must be alone.

I'd be like, all right, I'd be like, let me check Uber. It's like the seven minute wait for a car. And then you go to the Brooklyn bridge and there's another thing like my sweatshirts down there. Right. And then you're like,

what the fuck? I would go cereal on it for sure. I'd get my Sarah Candy. I have thought about that before because of the nature of our job. If people thought I died, it would be a frenzy. But I couldn't tell you guys if I was going to fake my death. I would have to do it

for real. I could keep a secret. I would need your genuine reaction. That's true. You know, like I need people to see you and see you thinking that I'm truly dead. So I would be like, nope, not telling anybody. Got an Andy Kaufman. And then the idea or the the riddle, I guess the the game that they've created ends and you being you're dead, you're dead. And then you show up to the funeral. I mean, that's like the game that they've created ends in you being, you're dead. You're dead. And then you show up to

the funeral. I mean, that's like the all-time dude. That's what you got. You walk in, it's the greatest moment of all time. You know, you don't even walk in the funeral. You pop out the casket. Bam! You do that, like the gif. Yep, yep. It's me.

You come out right there. That's all-time. When I was in sixthth grade by the way I basically kind of did this So I lived in We lived We had a period of time where we lived Separated as a family So we lived in Pennsylvania

We were outside of Philly My grandpa, my mom's dad was dying And I guess my mom wanted to be with him or some shit So she moved And took me with her and I went, this is crazy. As you say it out loud, what was my mom doing? So we went back to my hometown.

You believe it was like for two weeks, right? It was like six months. Yeah. So like we leave Pennsylvania, we go back to my hometown where I was born. So I go back to school there. So I'm back with my old friends and shit.

It was weird. It was like fifth grade. So it was like kind of like i was old enough to have my own life but young enough that i was just like kind of going along with my parents i wasn't going to be like dramatic about it go back to my old friends and then my grandpa dies much quicker than they expected and so she was like all right like time to go back so we i just we just packed up and went back because like we still had the house there and everything didn't take much time they were still there so i just peaced out we never told anybody really just went back to pennsylvania so my dad one day got a letter at work being like uh your son has missed like 175 days of school in a row it's because we moved and didn't tell anybody just ghosted on my friends too it was like so we're both see you monday yeah yeah oh i was the most truant i was so so truant that was a weird time that was a weird move my mom it was like

yeah no i'm moving and he's coming with me yeah why just you i don't know she likes me better yeah i mean i think he was in high school or some shit so it was like more you know you stay put you have real friends you little kid let's go I was like okay and then I basically so I just like missed a year of school because like you can't I missed the tests I missed the curriculum whatever you guys learned in 56th grade not me

I missed that whole fucking lesson hey guys so my fiance and I have had a long standing animal would you rather and wanted to hear your take on it. So would you rather have the torso of a bear? So, like, your head is normal, your arms and hands are normal, your legs are normal, but, like, your stomach is huge and hairy. You have, like, the appetite of the bear. You have all the fur all of that or would you rather have the claws of a bear so you're everything else on your body

is normal but your hands are just like love this question absolutely massive so imagine trying to like i'm pretty close to both of these or like literally do anything yeah okay john you're basically a bear. You're missing the hair. No, on the stomach. I have a hairy stomach. I don't have hair on my arms and shit, but I have a hairy stomach. And you've got like hooves for feet. I have gross hands too.

I am this person. I am the worst of both worlds here. I am this Frankenstein here. I I think like logistically you have to have hands yes you can't text you can't type you can't like touch anybody you can't how are you gonna do that fingering thing where you make them squirt fingering was the first thing you have i don't think of texting or yeah how you look in public she's like how am i gonna finger you yeah finger

it's fun man it's great it's great for. It's like, I can get the most done here with my hands. You're going to enjoy yourself more. I'm going to feel accomplished. Let's just stick to this. I got bear claws. I can't do that. Can't do it. Now, the belly, the big, hairy stomach, the appetite is a nice little twist.

I don't know if I could survive. Appetite of a bear? Yeah. How am I going to eat enough to satisfy a bear? What am I, Michael Phelps? Yeah. 20,000 calories a day. Like, I don't know.

I'm going to have like a bowl of cereal and a sandwich and then some steak and that's it. Fuck. So, but I think you have to go with that because you just, you have to be able to finger people. That really is what it comes down to. And I also think, I think the bear look good look. Under clothes is certainly a big barrel chest. Barrel chest, yeah.

Take it off, it's like well, you have fur. You have the You can shave that though. I don't I mean if a bear just shaves his chest it's not going to be like

a human. It's not going to look like No, it's not going to look like a human but it'll look like It'll look better. I guess. I wouldn't even shave the whole thing I'd just shave it into like normal hair. Right, just trim i wouldn't even shave the whole thing i'd just

shave it into like normal hair right just trim you just trim yeah yeah yeah yeah i feel that bottom line the bear claws too much yeah the bear claw but it would be cool to like go around like i mean you're basically you become a superhero then you're like bear man or some shit yeah you murder people and you can't even shake a hand without like cutting someone you know right down vertically on their right yeah you don't go you don't even shake a hand without cutting someone. Right down vertically on their wrist. Yeah, you don't go across the stream and go up the river. That's a little bit too much suicidal talk right there. When you know the exact catchphrases, that's a red flag.

I would like to go walk around just bear clawing people, though. Murdering is the word you want to use. Yeah, well well that too the i i think that that's almost like it's having a power that's too dangerous like it's like walking around with a loaded weapon at all times i'm pretty like i gotta be in line at whole foods and some some lady would be like getting some more justin's uh justin's uh peanut butter cup sorry you sure you need another one? Bam! Like right across the head.

Somebody tries to cut me. And then like, I almost feel like Buster with the hook hand. Like it's like unintentionally like banging into things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a monster! I'm a monster! Yes, Steve. Bye.

Super producer. For some long time. I'm sitting in my living room with a bowl of Reese's Puffs and I've just watched The Mummy and now I'm on to The Mummy 2, like the old shitty ones in the 1990s. Long story short, there's a scene where the two evil people are overlooking an empire of Egypt. And it got me thinking, if you could be the wealthiest, richest, most famous person in all of the land, which era would you choose to live in? And I know you assholes are going to be like, well, now, because we have AC and Netflix and all that shit. But let's say that those needs are

taken care of. I'm wondering what your take is. Viva. We took a while to land the plane there with the mummy talk and all that shit, but we got to the question. I feel like we've got this before. We've never had that caveat of let's say you retire to your palace and you have all modern technology.

Oh, I missed that. It's all taken care of. AC, you have all modern technology. Oh, I missed that caveat. Yeah, you said it's all taken care of. AC, Netflix, all that shit. That does change things because now I'm starting to- It's definitely now without that caveat. Yeah. I mean, I cannot live, I cannot rough it at all. I don't want to sit in a palace and eat grapes. No, no.

That's not really exciting for me. But when I go back to my palace, it's like a mansion, a modern day mansion. But then I'm also just ruling over, it's like a mansion, a modern-day mansion. But then I'm also just ruling over colonial America or some shit or whatever. Oh, you went on – yeah? I don't know. You went on slaves, Kevin? That's where you're going with that one, huh?

No, I was – Ruling over colonial America? I have an idea what that entails. I was one of those colonies that said no slaves. Okay. You're one of the good guys. Whatever. If you go back through history, we're all going to be owning slaves. No matter what we pick, there's going to be some slaves.

Yeah. No, you're right. I don't really want to own slaves, if I'm being honest here. I'll be really honest. I'd be the worst slave owner. I'm going to give you a controversial opinion. I'm not interested in owning people. I don't even like telling interns to do something for me. but that's what i mean i've never told an intern do anything

i could never tell a slave to like go work the fields no i'd be like you know what i got it i'll do it myself yeah yeah you uh you just hang out it's the same way with like when you have the cleaning lady over and they're just doing work around you i'll fold this i'll fold yeah yeah yeah i my nanny all the time if i'm ever home at the same time as my nanny, she's like, I'm still on the clock. You got to work early. Go relax. I'm like, I'm not just going to sit here and watch TV in the other room while I hear my

kids torturing you. Yeah, yeah. Screaming and fighting. And I'm just like, oh, no, you're on the clock still. I'm going to hang out. So I can't do any of that. Spider, I tell him to mail some stuff for me. I'm like, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Dude, I can't do any of that i i spider i tell him to like mail some stuff for me i'm like thank you so much thank you so much dude i can't even do that where i'll do there was

one time where spider ran over he's like i'll do that i'll do that i was like don't worry man i got it i'm just gonna right i'm gonna go mail this right i'll do i think one time i asked an intern to go get lunch and it was just because we were going into radio and i had him go get mcdonald's and i didn't even ask the intern i asked brett to ask him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, I can't ask you to do it. Right. But there might have been that situation in place for slaves, but I don't know. I could never own a slave.

No. So let's take slavery out, too. We're such heroes. I think— John and Kevin, bunch of allies. Don't want slaves. I'm trying to think if there's any other time like i don't really give a fuck about any other time other than the modern time like yeah like i all these

things i guess in theory are nice if i could be a roman emperor but i don't i don't want to watch people murder each other i guess i do watch i watch it slowly but what like football oh like just degenerative of a brain. Yeah, it is slow. What about, like... At least there's less blood. I think I would maybe like to have, like, been around... I think I would have liked to be, like, JFK and not get my head blown off.

Like, the space race and the Cold War and the Russians and all that shit. If I was, like, the man then and I fucking ran the world, that'd be pretty cool. I basically would like to be in the space race. Okay, that's a good answer. Being a Kennedy in and of itself is a good answer, without the space race. Except for the constant specter of death and all that shit surrounding you at all times.

It's here anyway. Yeah, we all have it. It's just more pronounced. I don't know. I don't know. The Kennedy is a very good answer. Maybe, I don't know i don't know the kennedy is a very good answer maybe i don't know the wild west is always intriguing oh i could fuck with that um like maybe like the like 49ers gold mining but i i they're also in movies there's no one who's i

don't i don't even have really a visual because no one from that time is really portrayed as exceedingly rich. Yeah. So like what would rich be like when you're in the same fucking saloon in the middle of the desert or whatever, right? Right, right. That idea would be cool. That excitement would be cool to have like my Conestoga wagon has Wi-Fi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're playing like fucking Nintendo up in there. You're playing Oregon Trail. Yeah. I'm like, guys, this is what we're doing right now. You know what I think I would choose? I think I would be, like, an Egyptian pharaoh. Because those guys, I mean, they got everything. They motherfuckers just die with you.

If you die, they're like, oh, we got to go in the tomb with them. Yeah, that's crazy. That's wild. I mean, that's, like, that's basically slavery also. But you had pyramids. You had fucking tombs. You had gold everywhere. You had everything at, you had fucking tombs, you had gold everywhere, you had everything

at your fingertips. But also the weather. Not much for me. If I could be like an Egyptian pharaoh in the northeast before global warming. Even right now, I miss out on fall and spring too much. We're just talking about how we're excited fall's back

and how we gave thick fist pumps because it was 62 this morning. Every day is dry and 90. I don't like that. Maybe a king in England? I don't know. A court jester is kind of cool. Then you got bad teeth.

Jousting is pretty cool. It's not as gruesome as gladiators fighting in a ring i could watch people joust i've seen people joust king richard's fair it was dope as shit um i could i could fuck with being a king i think but then again also another thing to think of with all this it's just modern hygiene yeah like your teeth and your fucking armpits and shit. It's disgusting. People don't shower. And look, I understand

the bush is back, but it's still relatively managed. It's a trimmed bush. It's not just a fucking wildfire down there. It's not even clean. It's not even soaped up. It's not like going down the middle of your fucking quad. Like a fucking bear, man.

Like a goddamn bear. Next voicemail. KFC fights. Superduser BC. I have a set up for you. Would you rather constantly have the sound of crickets going on in your ears, or any time you fell asleep, dozed off, napped, whatever, you woke up to a tarantula-sized spider on your face. What do you think?

I mean, you can't have tarantulas on your face. Crickets are annoying. You can't wake up like Marvin Home Alone every single time you wake up. I've been waking up in a panic a lot recently. It's almost every single time I wake up. It's like I jump out of bed, my heart's racing. It's part of the mental issue. It's always at like 2 a.m. too.

And I do it again at 8.39. And it's not great. Like I could feel my heartbeat out of my chest every single time I wake up and that's what would happen with a tarantula. It's the rampant depression.

The crickets might be a slow death though. You go crazy. You would go insane. Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp. Non-stop. But I think eventually like, you know, I'm going to ruin everyone's day right now.

Like when you just sit there and you just think about the ringing in your ears, you just focus on that noise. I've never done it. Just think about it right now. You hear it? I don't think so.

You hear it? Yeah, you all have some form of ringing in your ears when you just think about it. John's doing it. It sounds like a thunderstorm for me. I don't have a ring. I most definitely have. Oh, no. Mine sounds like clouds rolling in. I just close my eyes, put my

hands over my ears. Again, that's just the depression storm in your brain. It's the thunderstorm of sadness. I think it's kind of awesome. It's better than my ring, I'll tell you that much. It's very cool to just have. I'm going to do it again. I wish I could hear what he's hearing, because my shitty noise is... It's a legitimate thunderstorm. It's amazing.

Well, that's better than crickets. It's very cool, yeah. But see, you didn't even notice that you had a thunderstorm in your brain until you thought about it. Eventually, everything that goes on in your brain, even if it's a thunderstorm, you kind of just... It becomes part of your background. It's just whatever. So I think eventually you get used to the crickets. I don't think you ever get used to a fucking tarantula on your face.

You think eventually you wake up like the same way you like knock your alarm clock. You just like throw the tarantula off your face. There's Charlotte again. No, no, I can't. I mean,

maybe if like, it's like the, you just have it for a second, then it disappears. But what I throw it off my face and then it just like crawls around the room or something. Everywhere. I am. You're in public. You're not one, not a big fan of the arachnids no i'm out on that arachnophobia but also i i do have the i guess like you said it becomes a white noise

but i'm thinking like like the sunny episode when they move to the suburbs and they can just hear yeah the pool oh yeah thing in the background and the fire alarm silence is deafening because you hear every little sound man i mean i used to love like like like in new york my apartment used to face third avenue and it was just like sirens and cars and all that shit people screaming i just i didn't even notice it yeah that's what mine is now yeah now it's like i need my whole house every room my house has like a white noise machine going just to give you some sort of noise because we're in the fucking burbs. Miserable. But you can't have Marv tarantula face.

No. You just can't do it. So deal with the cricket noise. Yes. That's all there is to it. Last voicemail of the day brought to you by Mint Mobile. Big wireless is going to come crumbling down, bro. Big contracts, big bills, big fees.

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Let's try it for a week and undo it if you're not into it. Ditch your old wireless and start saving with Mint Mobile. Go to mintmobile.com slash KFC. You can cut your wireless bill down to $15 a month and get free shipping on your Mint Mobile SIM card when you go to mintmobile.com slash KFC. Start your plan today for just $15 a month and get free shipping on your Mint Mobile SIM card when you go to mintmobile.com slash KFC. Start your plan today for just $15 a month. Hey, KFC Fight Super Producer BC. I was just wondering, I had a dream a couple nights ago

where I thought KFC would appreciate this. My princess was in it. Basically, I was at home with my mom and my princess, and my princess would not get off the couch to let my mom sit with her. So I was just wondering, who's the weirdest guy or girl, I guess, you've ever had in a dream with you? Who's the weirdest celebrity you could think about having a dream, just let me know.

Thank you. Have a good night. A random girl having Mike Francesa in your dream is wacky. Like, if I have Francesa in my dreams, I'm like, oh, man, I got to stop listening so much. Like, this is getting weird. Just some random girl being like, yeah, me and my mom and Mike hanging out. Girl, you need to make some changes.

It's strange, yes i i don't i don't know i i haven't had dream well you haven't had dream yeah all you have is just terror nightmares now that you have dreams at all correct these these voicemails back to back not not boding well for the mental health situation very well no let's give that was that we'll do what we'll do now I know everyone hates hearing about dreams but I think when you have a specific question like who

is the weirdest person to ever be in your dream the weirdest dream you've ever had you got to give it some thought try to remember some of the weird shit try to remember some of your recurring dreams I've never

had that you guys are fucking maniacs of recurring dreams oh yeah we're the weird ones yeah we're the weird ones to We're the weird ones. To be continued dreams. Empty brain. Hey brain, figure it out in fucking eight hours.

We're laying this goddamn plane. I don't need a to be continued. This is the longest story ever. Just get to the point brain. We'll be talking dreams on the next edition of KFC Radio on our quickie. Get at us on Twitter at KFC Radio. Let us know the weirdest people ever in your dreams.

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