KFC Radio - KFCRadio: Hank Azaria & Jim Brockmire

Episode Date: May 1, 2018

Hank Azaria returns to the show. KFC & Feits ask him about the 2nd season of Brockmire on IFC, roleplaying with his voices, and weird sex stories in New Orleans. Voicemails include stripper advice, the iPhone movie date, Zack morris is trash, the Greatest Showman soundtrack, and the comedy podcast kill list.This episode was presented by: Little Bits, littlebits.com/KFC for $10 off a Droid Inventor Kit 1-800-FLOWERS, 24 stunning Multicolored Roses for only $24, promo code: KFC Fab Fit Fun, $10 off your first box promo code: KFC DKMS, you can save a life Text BARSTOOL to 50555 for more info. Light Stream, to get this special interest rate discount LightStream.com/KFC.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. KFC Radio today is brought to you by LittleBits. It's an award-winning platform to use with easy-to-use electronic building blocks for creating inventions large and small. I got a complete Droid Kit at home, an R2-D2 kit, where I get to build it with six bits, 20 droid parts, three sticker sheets, and a free app. Here's the important part. The app has step-by-step instructions and video tutorials. That is the most important thing I've heard. When I had kids, I was like, I am so screwed because I am not going to be able to build any toys. I'm not going to be

able to make any toys. I'm not going to know what I'm doing. My kids are going to hate me. Well, now I got little bits here with the app that is going to teach you exactly how to build these things and exactly how to teach these little inventions, new skills. It's basically like you're building little robots, which, Feidelberg, we've said many times before, the robot apocalypse is coming. Yes. And so this is your way to basically fight back. You can build yourself a little droid, maybe have the robots on your side.

Because when they come for you, the humans are done. I don't understand why, you know, this probably isn't very successful for an ad read. We got to stop building robots. We just got to stop. We have to fucking knock it off. Every single goddamn day. There's another new AI thing happening. New robot.

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Get them for your kids. Get them for your fight. I'll get them for Feidelberg since he is one of my kids. Inspire invention with littlebits.com. Toy of the Year. That's serious. Yeah, man. That's diesel.

That's diesel. Toy of the Year when I was a kid was like a doll. You know, it's just like Beanie Babies. Now this is like an artificial intelligence droid. I can't wait to cash out on those fucking babies. How much do you get for Beanie Babies. Now this is like an artificial intelligence droid. Can't wait to cash out on those fucking babies. How much do you get for Beanie Babies right now? Like $300? For all of my Beanie Babies?

Yeah, like $300? No. Like $5. We should try to sell your Beanie Babies online and see if we can find some weirdos. There was a time where that was... My dad was setting up my retirement fund for me he'd be like traveling for work i'd be like oh yo you're in toronto you gotta get that special canadian one the tie-dye one with the fucking maple leaf heart i know it you gotta get it dad

and he was like god i can't believe my kid's gay he missed his flight getting it for me did he yeah What a guy. The prices that come up when you Google it, the first one is $17,000. Oh. There's a $14,000. There's a $55,000 one. Let's make sure we're not sitting on one of those. Because you know what? If there would be-

I have so many fucking BDs. If there would be one kid- This one looks kind of tie-dye. If there would be one kid who has it, it would be Feidelberg. His dad probably went to the ends of the earth for it and shit. It's not that one with the peace sign, is it? Oh, yeah, definitely that one. Is it that one, that one, though? Is that, like, a limited edition? I mean, I...

One of one? I can't see the close-up picture of it, but I for sure have that one. If you have a $55,000 Beanie Baby, I'm gonna fucking murder you. And then sell it. Is that what... That's the $17,000 one? Yeah, $17,000. Feidelberg just got up And ran over the computer

I swear to fucking god I I don't know Maybe it is like That's gotta be like We all have the generic one But then if you have the one The one

I don't know if I I definitely I mean I have one in that color scheme Cause I remember They used to also like Oh this has the wrong tag So it's like a misprint So it's worth that much

But Dumb shit like that Let me tell you right now If you have a fortune Of beanie babies you're splitting that with me for no other reason then i i will be mad if you don't you have no these are things you know it's not like you acquire them during barstool no you it's like it's like a divorce it's like you ever all all everything that's acquired during our relationship now this is outside the scope of the relationship you still have to give it to me because I will, I will split my beanie baby fortune with you.

If you split your barstool equity with me and it might be worth more, I'll have to like do some examination. It could be pretty damn close judging by the fucking quick Google search. I think you got me, bud. God damn it fifty five thousand dollar beanie baby all right we got hank azaria on the show today he's back promoting season two of brock meyer which we said last year is us we are brock meyer and during this interview

we came to learn that even more so uh in ways that you did not think relatable kfc radio is brock meyer yeah we willmire. We will be talking about the Feidelberg threesome story. The writers of Brockmire are just KFC Radio fans. I have to be. What was his name? You were saying Joseph something Church? Like, yo, get on the phone, get at us, because we know what's going on. Yeah, it's very clear you listen to this

show. Like, if I see, let me catch a Russell Brand roleplay scene next, and we're coming for that ass with legal action, okay? Get out of here. So let's jump into Hank Azaria now. They're brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. Before we do it, let's address something real quick.

We didn't ask about Apu. Yeah. We got a lot of tweets about that, being like, someone's like, you're not doing your job if you don't ask about Apu. I don't give a fuck. No, I actually— This is 60 minutes. I am doing my job because I don't think anybody really cares about fucking

Indian discrimination on the Simpsons and they don't want to talk about that. Everybody else in the world was, we spend our time talking about

threesomes in New Orleans. What do you think is more interesting? You tell me. You tell me. Although, by the way, kind of surprised

that he like rolled up with like a South Asian woman. You know, that's his girl, Sheena. She's always with him. So, I mean, he's covered.

He's like, I'm good. You see who my entourage is? I'm all set. Thanks. Hank Azari is brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. Mother's Day is coming. And right now,

you can get ahead of the Mother's Day rush. Just do it right now. Early in the month, take care of it. Schedule the delivery date. You know you're going to get it on time.

They got a 24 for 24 offer. 24 multicolor roses for 24 offer. 24 multicolored roses for $24. John, how many dollars per rose is that? $1. My man. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Nailed it. I got really nervous for a second. What's 24 times 1?

24. Nailed it. With a bright and beautiful mix of premium roses and a rainbow of colors, this is guaranteed to show mom just how much she's loved. To get the 24 for 24, go over to one 800 flowers.com. Uh, and it expires soon.

So you got to do it now. One 800 flowers.com. Click on the radio icon, enter KFC, and you'll get the 24 for 24 deal. That's what your mother would want. You know how I know I was just talking to your mother the other day. I need mother's day to be over.

Three ad reads in a row. Kevin just chirped my mom. She rolled over and she said, I hope John gives me 24 for 24. Shout out to your mother. Let's go to Hank Azaria. We'll be back for voicemails after we're done. Hank Azaria is back in studio with us.

For the last time ever, because there's no way he's coming back after. Between the bathrooms being full and you having to make your own coffee, it's kind of a miracle. You're even... Yeah, it's not great. It's not the best. You've got kind of a little bit of a walking dead thing going on out there. Explain, explain.

There's kind of little dead-eyed staring at their screen. Oh, yeah. Dead-eyed and kind of staring at their screens and not looking up. Hello, Caroline. Yeah, we got great morale here. It's Monday morning, but you could also catch us on a Friday afternoon looking pretty much the same.

Yeah, nonsense. I've been on like hour 20 of whatever unfortunate set I was on with some obsessive director who wouldn't let it go. Well, it's funny you say that because we basically have an obsessive director. We've been on the set continuously 24-7 for 10 years.

So that's maybe why we look like this. I guess that is why. That's much too much time out there. In that case, we actually look great considering the circumstances. Yeah, and the coffee machine had no water in it. I had to fill it. It's like a little...

It sucks. I mean, look at the plate. Look at this. Look at your board. It's the worst. What's going on with that thing? What is it supposed to be? It's supposed to be our sat insulation and the chairs, like the back of the chairs all hit here and we never fixed it. So this is it. This is home.

It's gritty, huh? Yeah, it could use a little makeover. Maybe you guys should do that. A little tie-in. A little extreme makeover? Extreme makeover. Have them come here, and it'd be a win-win.

This is one of those places I'd like they'd come in, but let's just burn it down. There's no saving it. Let's get the insurance money and get the fuck out of here. This is worthless. It's what we call a gut, gut renovation. Who else could use a makeover? Perhaps Jim Brockmire? Season two is back.

How dare you suggest that Jim Brockmire needs a makeover? Although I guess that's, boy, he'd have to go up several levels to just, for makeover, yeah. He's in New Orleans this time.

If it's cosmetic, he's doing real well, yeah. He's in New Orleans this time. If it's cosmetic, he's doing real well. Yeah. He's in New Orleans, which is the perfect place for him. The way he puts it is, you know, I may not be in the major leagues, but I really up my game when it comes to my alcoholism. New Orleans, that is the place to go pro. Which he does. Oh, yes.

Big time. Oh, yes. Yeah, and we have a lot of fun. It gets darker as season two progresses. Which is almost hard to imagine. But it does. I mean, season one had you, I believe, snorting birth control, was it? Is that what was happening?

Snorted her, actually, her abortion pill. Her abortion pill. It was a good deal. I apologize. Mine was even worse. Technically birth control. I wasn't wrong. It was a good deal. Slightly worse. Mine was even worse. Technically birth control. I wasn't wrong. It was just.

No, yes. But yeah, I snorted her abortion and thinking it was drugs. I guess which technically was. Neither of us are wrong here. No one ever thought. And boy, just when you think you just can inhale some nice meth or whatever it is, it's somebody's abortion. That was actually my favorite moment of season one, the way she was mad that the pill was gone, but she was also mad that you were being greedy with the drugs. She was like, first of all, rude.

Second of all. Yeah, because there were two lions out there, and he did both of them. How do you do that? Oh, man. Well, so in addition to New Orleans, you also have a podcast this year. And we always joked when season one came out, because we were on Brockmire right away. We found the show.

Yeah, you guys have been wonderful supporters. We really have. I mean, it's something we definitely don't mind promoting, because we really believe it. But it's because we are baseball fans who probably drank a little too much and were pretty self-loathing. And I was like, wow, this show is for us. It speaks to you.

And then you went and you became a podcast host. I was like, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, Hank, what's going on here? He's almost sort of honing in on your territory. Yeah. No, there's like, we're going to have to have some lawyers go over the script. Right. There's too many connections.

At the very least, let's get us in the writer's room or something, and we'll give you a chance. We should have you guys represented in there, since you are who we're talking about, for sure. Especially now that we're in New Orleans. We've had our own exploits in New Orleans. John has a very infamous New Orleans story when he was 19, 18? I don't even know. Yeah, I was young. Too young to be doing

what you were doing involving multiple people where there should only be two. This does sound Brockmire. Yeah, it was like I went home with an older woman and like her husband was there. It's very Jim Brockmire which is scary because Jim Brockmire is a fictional character.

Have you seen all of season two? I have not, no. Because this happened pretty much. Get out of here! Well, not an older woman and her husband, but he starts blacking out and really not remembering where his sexual encounters have led him on a given evening and is like, wakes up one morning and the first thing this girl says to him is,

you have chlamydia. And he's like, what? like wakes up one morning and the first thing this girl says to him is, uh, you have chlamydia. And he's like, what? You have clues. Like, how do you know? She's like, cause you raw dog me last night.

I have chlamydia. And he's like, well, great. Yeah. You've got a syphilis. So, uh,

congratulations. And then he's like, and maybe Rick does too. Because I don't remember every little thing that happened here last night. And then he gets checked into the hospital because he's in really bad shape for other reasons too. And he's like, you know, do I have chlamydia? And they're like, you actually have two strains of chlamydia, one on your penis and one in your throat. And he's like, oh, Rick, you sneaky bastard.

Yeah, so that's a little glimpse. Was that like your night at all? It was similar. I didn't spend the night. So, but afterwards, I was. John, wait a minute. The fact that that wasn't a hard no is a problem. Yeah, really.

Well, I did afterwards. I was like a kid and I was just coward. John, wait a minute. The fact that that wasn't a hard no is a problem. Yeah, really. Well, I did afterwards. I was like a kid and I was just like nervous afterwards. I was like, hey, you don't have anything, right? And then she had like a test like ready to go. Oh, boy. It was like her papers. Nah, look, I'm good. I was like, alright, that's even scary. Was this a porn star or something?

Was she a sex worker? We never spoke again. There was never any exchange of currency. So I don't think she was a sex worker. If she was again. There was never any exchange of currency. So I don't think she was a sex worker. If she was, she's not a very good one. Well, Chlamydia ended up being good news for Brockmeyer. He was also told in the same hospital visit that he had scurvy. How does one get scurvy these days?

Well, as Brockmeyer says, I always did say that glass of orange juice is just a shot of vodka wasted. So I guess scurvy makes sense. I mean, that character is perfect. I mean, and now that I know the similarities are continuing, now I'm really not joking. Now we do need a lawyer to look it over or something. Because this is just getting scary. At least you're in New Orleans. But I had never been to New Orleans.

It's an amazing city. Oh, wow. Because this is just getting scary. At least you're in New Orleans. But I had never been to New Orleans. It's an amazing city. Oh, wow. Incredible. It really is. You've never done the New Orleans type experience. No, and I don't. I don't. I'm not so boring now.

I'm 28. I don't drink anymore. Right. So it's kind of a little bit lost on me. So I figured, eh, New Orleans. I sort of missed my window to enjoy it. But that was not true. No.

It's an amazing city. You can do it in multiple ways. Yeah, just even food and just walking around and music. The drinking aspect is fun too, but it's actually everything about it. The culture, the whole vibe. It's my favorite city in the country. Very European city. Yeah.

Yeah. Amazing. I saw you taking a couple pictures with Sam Darnold, Jets fan. Yeah. I'm now taking personal response. It's actually Jim Brackmeyer that took a picture with Sam Darnold. Correct, right. I feel like when you put the jacket on, it's like Clark Kent becomes Superman.

You got the plant jacket on. I don't know who's who. Yeah, right, right, right. But yes. And I was so excited. I was doing over at ESPN doing Get Up, you know, and I guess he was there. And I ended up staying there the whole day in their green room, just kind of doing phoners from there and everything. And then he walked in and I was like, Sam, let me, on behalf of the borough of Queens, where I'm from, and New York in general,

let me be the first to say, please come here. You will own this town. You really will. Nonsense. Nameth, have we had anybody to root for? I mean, even Ken O'Brien was ruined for us because he wasn't Dan Marino. So, please, you'll own this town. 20 years old, man.

I keep forgetting that. Yeah. That's young. I did not know. He's very self. He's one of those guys that's got that Jeter sort of Aaron Judge quality. Let's hope. Yeah, like they just seem self-contained.

So you're Jets-Mets? Yep. Yep. Respect. It's a dark, dark life, my friends. Throw the Knicks in there. Yeah, I know. I mean, they're almost the worst of all, but it's –

Where do you want to start? I could just talk Jets-Mets-Knicks the whole time. I mean, I just do it my whole life, and it's – Yeah, you have to. It's actually very depressing. That's, youets, Knicks the whole time. I mean, I just do it my whole life. And it's actually very depressing. That's, you know, that's again, do you pull, you know, inspiration for Jim Brockmeyer from your deep, deep sports depression? Because it is an ugly, ugly life, my friend.

Yes. The short answer is yes. I mean, part of it, Jim Brockmeyer has a lot of material on the Mets, you know, mostly because I make him say things. So, and I'm obsessed with the Mets as does Joel Church Cooper, brilliant writer who writes most of these jokes. But the Jack Brockmire says, but yeah, it comes out of, it didn't, you know, it didn't take any of the suffering away being a Mets fan over the years.

It's like a therapeutic. He said therapy. It's like you, you get to get it out in this character. I come on here and I scream about it. A lot of people just sit at home. These are the ones where I just fall silent. Yeah, this guy, I mean... Are you Yankees? He's Boston, so he's got like 11 championships

in his, like, not only that but in his prime sports, you know, he went from teenager to like mid-twenties, which is when you're like, sports idiot. You don't have to suffer through all of that. You've never suffered ever. Yeah. Ever. I was 12 when we won the first Super Bowl. It is not fair. You guys

got Brad Stevens in them. Yeah, I know. That's like third on the list. You know, it's like, oh yeah, and the Celtics. Belichick and Brady. The Bruins are the favorite to win the cup right now. Yeah, the Bruins. I'm sure your soccer team is awesome. My soccer team's in the list.

I'm a Liverpool guy. We're going to the Champions League finals. I was saying the lame American Boston, whatever that league even is. I don't even know what it's called. It's so ambitious. Are you a Liverpool guy as well? I am a big Liverpool guy. Wonderful.

Congratulations on your football club. It's terrible. That's John Henry, the guy who owns the Red Sox, owns them too. Is that right? Yeah. The Fenway Sports Group who owns Liverpool. Wow. Not a bad gig, huh?

No. So they really are like the Boston Extension soccer team. Shut up. Just shut up. You just jumped on the bandwagon and that's all there is to it, you asshole. I just think it's great that you young folks enjoy the soccer. I'm serious. It's really cool.

I wish I could get into it, but I'm just busy being self-loathing about the Mets. I actually started watching soccer kind of as a joke, where it was like we got into it really big in the World Cup, and then everyone told us, like, you're going to stop caring about it. It's not really a sport you care about. So then just to spite everyone, I watched it and yelled about it all the time, not understanding what's happening. But now I've been fake watching it for, like, five years.

And I kind of just keep telling it. Somebody was explaining to me, just really for the first time, one of my poker buddies this weekend, about how it actually, like, the difference between the Premier League and the World Cup and the whatever cup. And it's very complicated just how they how the season rolls out. Yeah. They don't they don't have playoffs.

It makes that I find infuriating. It's really weird. Yeah. It's very. The only thing I think soccer does right is the relegation where if you're so bad, you just get kicked out of the league, which I feel like, you know, we probably would have lost the Mets several times by now. But I think sometimes you need that motivation.

The Mets would have just hung in. The Padres definitely would have lost the Mets several times by now, but I think sometimes you need that motivation. The Mets would have just hung in. The Padres, we definitely would have lost. See you later. See you later, Padres. I forgot the Padres existed. So, yeah. That's why last night with the Mets was, I said,

as close to a must-win as you can have in April because you drop a series in horrible fashion to the San Diego Padres when the wheels are starting to wobble a little bit. That's not a good sign. It would have been a demoralizing loss and maybe one that would be tough psychologically to come back from, but it is early. I mean, baseball is obnoxiously long. It's like, you know, you can go on a hundred game losing streak and still bounce back.

I mean, the Dodgers last season, right? They had those two horrible streaks. The rest of the time they were completely flawless yeah uh but yeah bob costas says that baseball is like it's not a season isn't a novel it's actually a collection of short stories which i think is accurate it's like these like nine different phases that a team goes through whether it's injuries or just how they're playing or but we were saying right before we got in here, what I think, maybe I'm just telling myself this, what I think is real, genuine optimism, as optimistic as I've ever felt

as a Met fan in years, is Mickey Calloway and Dave Island. 100%. They are actually moving the chess pieces around in a way that you can at least say, all right, and it's not Sandy telling them what to do. You know, it's their, yeah. You knew that right away too, right? You were a Mickey guy. So, you know, this team's strength lies in their pitching,

and he was a pitching coach for the Indians. And a former pitcher himself. Right. And all of the Cleveland fans were like, you got a gem. Like, we're going to miss this guy. This guy knows what he's doing. So I took their word for it. And like, right away, you could just tell

things were different, you know? And I'm sure a little bit of that is coincidence as well. Like, somebody plays well and a couple things click and Mickey gets the credit. But also every button he's pushed is right. Everything he said is right. Whereas, I mean, Terry Collins, I was like, everything he did drove me insane.

I mean, I understand both. I mean, I'm an did drove me insane so I mean I understand both I mean I I'm an old enough guy to appreciate the old school been around forever you know yeah uh relic that Terry is in a living way and I liked I liked his like in that end of the 15 season the you know you don't hit you sit thing and worked and but i what i didn't like was it just seemed like a guy who was just completely old school guy who went on his gut basically wilfred brimley from the natural essentially standing anymore man so we had to rely on sandy for all that and just kind of did what he said which kind of left him in no man's land it seemed not to mention

maybe not being in touch with the players so well. What do you think Jim Brockmire would say about Terry Collins in one of his brutal bullpen moves? Let me look that up. I actually have a thing on that. You got a full set of notes here. I can't. Wait a minute.

Grip notes, highlighters. That's so old that it went by the way. Wait. I found it. Jim Brockmire on the subject of Terry Collins. Holy shit. He really says Terry Collins right there. I thought you were just fucking around.

You want to read it as Jim Brackmeyer? You want to try it? I don't know if I can do that. You do it. It was just an awkward, unhappy year last season for the Mets. Terry Collins looked like the stepdad you know was about to be out of the picture. And as soon as mom gets up the courage to pull the ripcord, lots of silent car rides and avoided glances.

Conversations stopping as soon as he enters the locker room, and now the Mets are dating someone newer and younger in Mickey Calloway. And I just hope for everyone's sake, it's not a rebound thing. There you go. Very nicely done. Jim Brockmire's take on Terry Collins. You rushed it a little bit.

I was, because I was insanely nervous. But you did a nice job. When a voiceover legend says, here, do a voice, it's kind of, you know, a little bit scary. So, yeah, I think that the Mets might actually. And it seems like somebody who can actually nurture a rotation, which is what they certainly need. And also, you know, make the correct chess moves in the bullpen, which everybody needs. And then a whole lot of luck with baseball.

Yeah, but at least we have a fighting chance. We got one call here from a player, from a caller, who is interested to know about life as an actor, specifically some voiceover stuff. Because I saw a headline the other day that said how Brock Meyer is almost like bleeding into your everyday persona. And it was a little

the headline was a little misguiding. You basically in the article just said you really like the character. But it got me thinking about it. Oh wait, so some headline was just clickbait? Especially a Hank Azaria headline right now being clickbait? Can't believe it. Impossible to believe. Please steer me away from there.

Hey, KFC, Fight, Super Producer, BC. Big fan out of Omaha. I'll get down to it. Do you think any actors will play as their character? Like in character. So like referring to in the bedroom. Are you saying – Have you ever done – would you or any other actors role play as a certain character in an intimate situation?

The conversation we started having was Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. I mean, right now, every single girl on the planet just loves this guy, Kit Harington. If I were him, I'd maybe be inclined to throw in an accent here or there or a reference here or there. It's built right in to him. That's the way he talks.

Have you ever slipped a voice in where you maybe shouldn't? Have you ever? Slipped a voice in? Perhaps an unfortunate choice of words. Have you ever slipped a voice in where you maybe shouldn't? Have you ever? Or has anybody in the industry? I mean, right now, Brockmire is. Perhaps unfortunate choice of words. Now, Donald, I know I'm firmly inside of you, but I can also slip a voice in there. You got any more room? Well, Brockmire, as is documented, he likes to dirty talk.

He likes to announce what's going on. So Brockmire, if you're just joining us, we got a good one going on here. Brockmire taking no chances, starting off on the missionary, just trying to find a rhythm. And oh, a surprise finger in the keister. And Brockmire is into it. The old fastball sign makes for a real snug butt plug oh and she just signaled for the curve and it has officially gotten weird in here um so the short answer is no um to that i never got requested like in the midst of the activities like

hey, do Mo or let's hear from Wiggum right now. Well, listen, don't act like they're not crazy fans out there who might be looking for that because that's certainly... Well, my lovely wife really likes, you mentioned Jon Snow, she loves

and we've been talking about Liverpool, she loves the Northern England accent. Not as dirty talk in the boudoir, but, you know, whenever I've just slipped into that, she's like, oh, keep talking that way. Kind of thing. I've gotten that. I remember one night in a bar,

a girl came up to me and really liked my character from America's Sweethearts, I think it was, which was a Spanish guy who was elite. No yo te castilleo elite, pero yo soy elite por el oriente. She really liked that. And she did suggest going home and letting that be the thing,

which I was really pondering and like, well, I was weighing my options like, well, she's really cute. And this seems like a rare opportunity. But I don't know if I can keep that up. If you'll pardon the expression there. I've had to do Russell Brand once before. That was. Oh, well, I could see that. Right.

Why not? It was the only time you actually committed to that no i could barely do it i mean it was impossible you tried i tried i tried well dirty talk in general even as yourself is kind of embarrassing it's so embarrassing you gotta commit to the role you gotta commit it's the method acting just immerse yourself people are either good at that or they're not, I think. I think most of us are bad. I actually think it's people are either bad at that or people think they're good at it and they're also bad at it. And that's really it. I don't know if anybody's good at it. You may be right about that.

I don't know. Yeah, that always seems like a highly awkward thing when you get asked to do that. Like, oh, boy. Okay. Here we go. It's like a bad improv. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And. It's like a bad improv. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it's like, did I go too far? Am I not going far enough? Oh, you went too far. It's really weird. Yeah, I'm super uncomfortable. Yeah, it's hard to be verbal while that's going on. Just be quiet. It's only going to last a couple more minutes to get the hell out of here.

So season two is out now. Season two is out now. It's on IFC. Wednesdays, 10 o'clock. Wednesdays, 10 o'clock. Episode one aired. You can stream season one and catch up and binge it on Hulu. The rivalry with the crawdaddy mascot is...

What did he say? Do you fuck your mother with that claw or something like that? He gives me the finger. That's great, by the way. They let you say you can pretty much. Much like Mr. Met did last year. Got in trouble. You see Keith over the weekend?

Did he flip somebody off? He cut himself, and he was explaining it to the audience. It was during the blowout, so he was doing key things. And he's like, it's this finger. Oh, I can't do that. But there's a still shot of Keith Hernandez flipping you off. What's with the city field? Is something in the air makes people...

I mean, I think it's the Mets organization. I think it's the decades and decades of futility. It is understandable the frustration there would spill over into unconscious flipping of the bird. We appreciate the time and definitely go check out Brockmire season two, binge season one.

We have co-signed it from the very beginning and we look forward to like, well, let me ask you this. Do you think, do you have like a number of seasons in mind? Let's say this is a hit and it's basically renewed as often as you would like it to be. Is there a cutoff? They've picked us up for four. So we're doing season three and four for sure.

Very cool. Yes. That's pretty big to get that. I mean, so basically got three seasons. They announced that before we even premiered this season. Yeah, that's huge. So yeah, they like us over there and we're I'm really happy with season two. Please, please

I feel weird. It's always weird promoting things. Yeah, because it's like false and you have to do it anyway. So why should anybody believe and say, please watch my show? Like you really? Okay. What are you gonna say? Don't watch the show. I'm not too happy with it. But again, the people who are listening to this, who listen to us regularly, are very

in tune with Brockmire. So this is a genuine Brock plug. Please, tell your friend, it's the thing I'm most proud of in my career. It's genuinely funny. It's not only super dark, but it actually is genuine. It's highly unsentimental, but has a ton of emotion and heart. It gets touching at times. It sneaks up on you on what it's saying about the human condition in our

culture, but mostly it's just really funny. And I'm super proud of it. And that's not all due to me. It's actually, I have, I do my part, but Joel Church Cooper,

who writes it for the most part, and Tim Kirkby and Mo Marble, who directed season one and two, did an insane job. Your co-stars are awesome, too. Oh, my God. And the whole cast is, it's really just, watch the first five minutes of season one. I mean, watch the first 45 seconds. Give us 60 seconds.

I assure you, you'll be hooked on this show. You'll see what it's, you do not have to be a baseball fan. And even season two, you know, you wake up sleeping on someone's ass and where do you see season two might be better than season one. That's high, high praise.

So we'll be on the lookout for it. We appreciate you coming through. Thanks a lot. Thanks for having me. Thanks. Big. Thank you to Hank and his people. Shout out to Brock Meyer and IFC.

That interview was brought to you by FabFitFun, a seasonal subscription box for women that the KFC radio boys seem to really like. Yeah, dude. Sales fucking emailed us. They're like, we're going to be doing ad reads for FabFitFun. Would you like them to send the box to, like, I think Matt. Actually, Matt had a funny thing where Matt's like, should we send them to your house, to your mom, or John to one of your lovers?

Matty Brown's a funny kid. But I said send him. I'll take it to myself. I said send it to me. I'll take a look at this. I'll decide who gets it after that. And it was like bath bombs and a nice coffee mug. And I was like, I'll hang on to it.

My mom will give me flowers. I'll hang on to it. My mom will give you flowers. I'll hang on to the bath bombs. Yeah, for real. Thank you very much. I'll take the seasonal subscription box for women, and I will enjoy it. It's delivered four times a year for $49.99. Fashion, beauty, home, fitness, and wellness. I need all those.

I need them all. I need it all really bad. All the seasonal boxes. So we got the summer coming up. It'll be the summertime box. And yeah, I mean, I guess, I suppose it'll make a. All the seasonal boxes, you know, so we got the summer coming up. It'll be the summertime box. And, yeah, I mean, I guess, I suppose it'll make a good gift for your mom, but it would also make a good gift for us. So you want to send us FabFitFun boxes?

Send us flowers. You can do it. Send us FabFitFun boxes. You get 12 gifts for the price of one. You can get goodies from a variety of categories valued at over $200 for $49.99. So that's a good deal. Yeah. I don't know about that 12 gifts for the price of one.

I don't think the math checks out there. If it's $200 and you get it for 50, it sounds like four, but I'm not a mathematician. No, I think there are 12 gifts. There are 12 things. Oh, I see. Oh, got it. Got it. Got it.

Got it. I feel you. So the math does check out. Goodbye. You fat, fat, fit, fun. Also, I think you're talking to me there. Yeah. I thought you were going to say I'm fat think you're gonna say dumb fat bitch fat bit fun oh i like that fab fit fun for the fat dumb bitch uh it's 49.99 get this you can get it for just 39.99 when you use the promo code kfc go to fabfitfun.com

code kfc and you'll get a 200 box box for just $39.99. Get the box for a well-lived life. We don't live well lives at all. Oh, God. No. No. Really, really. It's never been good

for me. I'm in a bad way. I'm on like five weekends in a row. Yeah, you're doing way too much. Way too much i have one more this weekend i had a bachelor party this weekend and once i get through that i could just how would you were chicago i was in chicago how was that yeah it was dope i never really been in chicago like you did that one time you went there you slept through the whole thing yeah we did that one night there and uh you know i i never apologized for that we went out with a stanley cup. I partied appropriately with the Stanley Cup. Agreed.

So I'm fine taking that one. But this is my first time ever going. I went to Wrigley. That was cool. Did a couple of brunch spots. That was cool. Dante hooked it up because Dante knows everybody over there. It was a heck of a weekend.

Very fun. Look at you. Yeah. I didn't do any of that. My buddy just moved there, though, and he lives in the most inconvenient apartment. Oh, what an asshole. Fuck that kid. It's like, it's not his fault.

It's just the architect of the apartment really fucked up. Like, the light switches are just a little bit lower than usual. No, that'll fuck you up. So, like, you go into the bathroom every time, and you just miss. I'm like, what the fuck? You reach down the shower. You got to be in the shower to turn it on. So you go into the bathroom every time, you just miss. I'm like, what the fuck? You reach down, the shower, you got to be in the shower to turn it on.

Why, what? Because the door opens, it's a glass shower, right? Yeah. So the door opens, but the nozzle's not there. You have to be inside the shower. So the cold water hits you?

You just get smacked in the face with cold water. that's the worst shower ever. I was like, this architect who built, it was actually really just the bathroom. It was the bathroom switch. Yo, that shower thing.

This guy's a real dick, this architect. That's like torture. Yeah. I mean, that little burst of cold. Hits you down your ass. Like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. No, no. I leave that shit on full blast until I see steam coming on my arm.

Now we're good. I want it to burn off my skin. That's a bit much. That's basically what I my skin That's a bit much That's basically what I need That's a little weird A torture shower Where it just burns my skin off And get that like

That's what I need You're still going huh Just want to like Just peel it all off It's like rebirth I'm the butterfly coming out of the... You're not a goddamn snake, John. A snake?

Also, yeah. I was going to say a butterfly out of a cocoon, but sure. Yeah. I'm shedding my skin. You're definitely not a butterfly. And re-emerging beautifully. You're a fat, dumb cunt boy. You're not a fucking butterfly.

Get out of here. Voicemails today are brought to you by DKMS. Eight-year-old Darian was diagnosed with sickle cell when he was 14 days old. That is the worst thing I've ever heard. So in order for that little kid to be normal, he needs a bone marrow transplant. Unfortunately, African Americans only represent

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Use the free swab kit. You swab your cheeks, you return the kit, and they will let you know whether you're a match and whether you could save a kid's life forever. Can you think about the karma you'd get for that, John? Yeah, I could use it. You think about how much you could be like, hey, yo, what's up, girl?

Let me get your number. One time I saved a kid with sickle cell right yeah i'm just trying to be you know we should all do it out of the goodness of our hearts but we all know you're not going to do that so i'm not a good person no right so text barstool to 50555 or go to dkms.org to find more to potentially save kids and have a good story and get some good karma. Voicemails. All right, this guy needs advice on strippers, so he called John. Cool. Oh, wait.

What's up, KFC, Superfuse for BC. We've been talking about that. First time in a long time. So I'm in a bit of a predicament. To preface this, I've essentially become the guy in the friend group that is literally living Feidelberg's life. Plenty of examples. Condolences. Depression, anxiety, things along those lines.

But the most recent thing was I was out at a bachelor party for a buddy of mine, and I had a stripper come up to me, and she thought I was this guy that she saw the night before. And I completely ran with it. She ends up being all over me the entire night. Obviously, it's a strip club, so I was paying guy that she saw the night before and I completely ran with it. She ends up being all over me the entire night. Obviously it's strip club, so I was paying for it. But at the end of the night, she ends up asking for my number. I drudgingly give it to her and she asked me out the next day. Now this is an actual date, not a date that I don't know what strippers do for dates,

but this is like asking me out to a nice dinner and wants to do all this stuff. My question is, if you've been with a stripper at a strip club and then she asks you to a nice date, one, do you go on the date? Two, what the hell happens if you end up falling for her? Could you actually date a stripper? Thanks, guys. So much going on right here. First of all, where are you at with your stripper girlfriend? I just kind of fell off.

I haven't talked to her. I just kind of forgot about it. That's borderline inexcusable. I really just kind of forgot about it until today. I saw Glennie did booze and burgers at Sapphire, which is where she works. And that's when... Is Glennie just going to places now

where he can't say anything bad? I dare you to criticize that one, Glenn. But no, I honestly just forgot about it. I mean, she provided us with the greatest line of all time, that 1% should be in action. She didn't provide us. I did. It was your inspiration, your muse.

Yes, she was my muse. I have a lot of muses. Me and strippers. That's it. Well, you should get back on that because dating a stripper is probably pretty cool. This guy being the Feidelberg of his group. That's a tough one.

That's not good. But let me say this. Like, oh, my God, I'm the Feidelberg of my group. I have crippling depression and anxiety. Let me tell you about the story about how the stripper wants to fuck me. I mean, you guys and your fucking sob stories. Relax. There's a lot of guys out there who would be very happy to be you and this fucking weirdo.

Yeah. There's a lot of guys who would be. I ain't one of them. Not me. It is not me. But as for could you date a stripper I don't think I'd have a problem with it

until it got serious I don't have a problem with you going to work if you're like I gotta go to work tonight peace have fun make that money I don't have a problem with you dancing with other guys I don't even think I have a fucking problem with you fucking other guys so when? I don't even think I have a fucking problem with you fucking other guys.

Wait, so when do you have the problem then? When does the problem come into play? The same time it always comes in. When like narcissism and like the looks I will be getting from other people as I explain. I actually don't give a fuck. Right, but you do. But I give a fuck what other people think of me. Got it.

So like if they're like, oh, you don't care about that? Like, geez, that's kind of fucked up. Your girlfriend's out fucking another guy right now. Look, man, I don't give a shit. That girl, your girlfriend's got like a lot of different cum all over her tonight. Like, I did like that. That's basically what it is with everything. Where it's like the reputation I get because of it is where I will have my issue, not with what you do.

It's all deep. It's all very deep. It's like I don't care what anybody thinks about me except I absolutely care what everybody thinks. Yeah, it's very confusing. Yeah, it is. It's extraordinarily difficult. You wonder why my life is a hell. Just these conflicting voices yelling nonstop.

Who gives a shit? I give a shit! That's just the ricocheting around my skull at all times. I don't think I could even come close to dating a stripper. Why? I think we have

different strip club experiences as users. Like you and I. I think you're getting strip club experiences as users, like you and I. I think you're getting all fucking boned up in strip clubs and you're coming in your pants. No, I've never come, but I've definitely like – Whereas I'm just like, can you get off me so I can get a drink, please? I'm just here for the drink. I'm just here for the drink I'm just here for the alcohol

My one stipulation with friends Is that we go to places with alcohol They wanted to come with naked girls too I would have been fine with just the booze I like the DJ here He's great It's Jimmy Yang He's the best

I mean you don't Even if that's how you do it there's guys who are fucking getting hand jobs and all that sorts of shit with your girl. I know. I think it would be one of those things that I would, like, joke about at first. I'd be like, all right, tell me what happened tonight. Like, how many fat guys came on your leg? And then, like, a little bit into it, it i'd be like this is wearing thin pretty quick i could see that it'd be like a fun little game you play yeah like tell me what happened

can we stop this shortly it's death by a thousand cuts yeah and you really got yourself into something that you thought was gonna be funny like one night you know some like vip is gonna roll in or something like that and it's like, so you were fucking like grinding on like 50 cents dick or something like that. I don't need that in my life. I'm all good on that. So do what you want, pal. But you got to have some thick skin, I think, to date a stripper. But you should just have thick skin for the life.

That's true. I mean, give it a whirl. Yeah. See what happens. Hey, KFC. First time, long time. I need you guys to settle a debate with me and my friends so a bunch of new co-workers and i were shooting the shit and uh he told us a story that he went on a date with a girl who had multiple personality disorder however i argue with

my friends that it's crazier that this guy thought it was okay to take this girl to a drive-thru restaurant, sit in the backseat of his car, and watch a movie on his phone for a first date. So guys, settle it for me. Which was more fucked up? Multiple personality disorder or thinking that that's an acceptable first date? Yo! It's the second one.

It's absolutely the second one. I was going to defer to you. You're Mr. First Date Plans. This is something unique and different. No. No. This is something like... That's so weird.

If some girl pulled out of bed, you live here, don't you? Like in this car. This is your house. Yeah, we just did a drive-thru. When we got in the backyard, when we went from the front seat to the back seat, we went from the living room to the bedroom. Exactly. And we went through a drive-thru. A drive-thru.

And we got in the back seat of your car, and we watched a movie on your phone, which no doubt has a shattered screen. Like absolutely is not a function. It's an iPhone. I was going to say 3G or 3S or the fuck it was. We're watching it on 3G. So it's buffering all the time because you have dog shit fucking cell phone service. No doubt about that. You just bought me a fucking big double for dinner.

Wouldn't even spring for the McFlurry on me. Like that's that's insane let me tell you something about all of this girl's personalities hate you not one of those personalities gonna fuck you brother i mean that is that's the cheapest date i've ever heard in my life that guy i mean that person's just broke as can be yeah that's like you know and and that's fine you can that's like a wide date when he was living in the office I've been broke before You can be broke

Dude that shit alone Yeah you can't do that on a date Just be alone for those few years Don't have relationships No one is going to like you You're too poor to be liked Just sit at home What did you used to eat

I ate tomato soup and grilled cheese Every single meal Too poor to be liked. Just sit at home and be... What did you used to eat? I ate tomato soup and grilled cheese every single meal. But no, didn't you just put the cheese on the soup? You just put the Kraft single on top of the soup? I don't... Maybe I've done that occasionally. It was a grilled cheese. I'd have a grilled cheese. Come on.

I thought you said one time you just melted the Kraft single into your soup. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I had a can of Campbell's tomato soup and a grilled cheese. That's some broke-ass shit. Yeah, man. I lived on a couch. I made $400 a month. What do you fucking think

I was doing? I mean, it's impossible. It's impossible to live anywhere on the floor. I would only, the only, like, I'd go out, but I'd only go out

after I fucking chugged two, four locos. Yeah. Because, like, those cost like a dollar each. You're good to go. And I was wasted. Resourceful. You learn. You learn how to be, you learn good to go it was a waste resourceful you learn you learn how to be you learn how to really survive when you broke like that yeah i mean maybe this guy was tired of being alone maybe he was like i need to get late i've

been alone for three years because i've been eating tomato soup fucking drinking for a local i'm going on a date i'm going to the mcdonald's drive-thru save up for that yo bro bro he just went to dinner in a movie. That's all he did. That's it. It's just a little unorthodox. A little unorthodox. At least pretend it's a picnic or something. That's what I mean.

You can make things romantic. If you hopped out of the car and had a blanket and were like, maybe an iPad. Maybe upgrade a little bit. Two people on one iPhone is rough. If someone pulls over in a McDonald's parking lot and says, let's get in the backseat.

I'm like, you're going to fucking kill me. Absolutely. That's like, okay, this is a murderer. This is for sure a serial killer. I'd be like, I'd get in the backseat. This is the end. This is how I meet my end. I'm going to smell these french fries and die. That's it.

Yeah, now that guy. But, by the way. A girl with multiple personalities, by the way. Dating a girl with multiple personalities is just called dating a girl. Yeah. That's redundant. Yeah, there's no such thing as a girl with multiple personality disorder. That's a girl.

Girls inherently have that. Guys can have that. It's like... It's a rarity for a guy, so we diagnose it with a disorder. You girls just have that. Multiple personalities for a guy is... I mean, for a girl, is like HPV for a guy. We all have it.

It's in you. Yeah, it's dormant. I just have it. Yeah, sorry. It's just there. I don't know what to tell you. You might have to deal with it. It might fuck you up in a bad way, but it's something I've had forever and I'm just cool

with it. Works for me. I don't know. I found a way to just live every day with it. You might get cancer out of it. I'm fine. Yeah, man. That's exactly what it is.

The only thing I'll say is that if you are a girl who is so crazy that they have diagnosed it, you are so crazy. I think it's a girl who I think a girl with multiple personality disorder is like one of the least crazy girls. She's acknowledged it. That's a great point.

I gotta go check this out. The girl with multiple personality disorder is the sanest girl on the planet. If you are a card-carrying member who has been diagnosed, put a ring on that. Good for you for recognizing a problem and trying to fix it. What did they say? Like the person who says they're not crazy is the craziest? The person's like, I'm sane.

No, you're crazy. We're all crazy. Girls are ten times crazier. And only one of you admits it. I fall into the feminine category there. But if she's wearing it, I'm like, yeah, I'm crazy. I love it.

I'm down. That's about as good as it gets. At least you know. You know your enemy. And that poor crazy bitch, who's not that crazy, is watching iPhone movies in the back of a fucking car. Treat that poor, that poor crazy bitch who's not that crazy is watching iPhone movies in the back of a fucking car.

Yeah. Treat that girl like the queen she is, bro. Right, dude? She didn't even fucking care. She watched the whole movie with you in the backseat of your car.

That's a keeper. Yeah. That chick's not crazy. Well, actually, yeah, she is crazy. She probably had one personality being like, fucking kill him.

And she was like, no, no, he's nice. He's nice. Kept that one at bay. God damn. These hoes. He's hoes. He's crazy hoes. Hey, KFC, Spike, Super Producer DC.

Just got a good old-fashioned hypo for you. So you meet this girl. She's a dream girl. Everything you want in a girl. And she wants to get married, do all the shit. You're ready for it, too. It's,'s like perfect. But if you do that, she has to eat every meal like Joey Chestnut, hot dog eating champion.

I mean, this means like dipping her food in water, jumping up and down, and it doesn't matter what she's eating. Like she just wolfs it down. Let me know what you guys think. I love the image of like jump, jump, jump, jump. Like when they like jump to like basically like push the hot dogs down their stomach. I think I'm in and I think you just eat at strange places and off hours. I'm definitely not in.

Is it deal breaker? Without a doubt. John, everything else is perfect. If you told me she chews kind of loud, then guess what? She's not perfect. She's like the worst person in the whole world. That's your pet peeve. That's my biggest pet peeve.

Rude Taylor Manners is by far my biggest pet peeve. And if she held her fork the wrong way, probably a deal breaker. No. If she chews with her mouth open. Yeah, if she chews with her mouth open, that's absolutely a deal breaker. What about if she does podcasts while eating? Because people do not like that. Got a lot of complaints about that.

I didn't eat. I was hungry. I was eating my pretzel. I didn't eat. I ordered about that I didn't eat I was hungry I was eating my pretzel I didn't eat I ordered food I didn't eat it But uh The yeah no

Table banners If you put like Some real fucking white trash shit Like you just put like The gallon of Soda On the table Oh you're so fucking bougie

I can't put the bottle of coke on the table Fuck no We would never make it Are you kidding me What does that mean No plastic allowed on the table man You don't get to put fucking ketchup on the table? Fuck no. We would never make it. Are you kidding me? What does that mean? No plastic allowed on the table, man. You don't get to put fucking ketchup on the table. Get that shit out of here. What?

What does that mean? You gotta put it in like a separate dish. What? Like you fill like a bowl up with ketchup or something? Yeah, well you have like a condiment tray. Oh my god, you definitely owned slaves back in the day. Your family is so ridiculous. You have a condiment tray yeah oh my god you definitely owned slaves back in the day

your family is so ridiculous you have a condiment tray come with me eat all the white trash shit you want with all sorts of stuff on the fucking table man no plastic on the table no loud chewing aloud it's just it's just not okay for me and it's like one of those things like i understand the ridiculous of it don't get me wrong well that's good but it's just like i've it's one of those things where I understand the ridiculousness of it. Don't get me wrong. Well, that's good. But it's just like it's how I've been, and I refuse to be any other way. This is who I am. You are one weird cat. It's the shit that fucks you up.

Like if we're having pizza, there's a fucking box of pizza on the table. I can't put a bottle of soda on the table. Or I can't even have the box of pizza on the table. I've never had a bottle of soda on the table. Or I can't even have the box of pizza on the table. A box of pizza on the kitchen table? I would never. I mean, if we're in a living room, yeah, that's different. If we're just in front of the TV,

that's different. Yeah. But like, no, if we're at the dinner table, put a box of pizza on the dinner table. Jesus Christ. You're so gay. You are the worst. Clean it the fuck up. You are the worst.

If I had my dream girl She could eat however she wants man Jump around Do cartwheels Not in the living room We are eating in the living room Like we are eating Like We're in a movie

When it's just like One of those Which is like The huge like hall With the table Yeah yeah yeah That's how That's how you eat in the living room

You wanna I'm sorry the dining room Keeps the living room If we wanna eat like shit In the living room That's fine you eat in the living room. I'm sorry, the dining room. If we want to eat shit in the living room, that's fine. In the dining room, it's all proper. We obey proper rules. You are such an asshole. She could be jumping around at the Outback Steakhouse

eating whatever she wants. When we walked out, I'd be like, look how hot she is. She's awesome in bed and she makes a lot of money And yeah so I'm good Oh you think I'm embarrassed No I'm all good Did you just

Say the Outback Steakhouse Like that was a nice place No No no no Oh I thought you were like We could be like The nicest Outback in the world I don't give a shit

Look at my girl No I meant that like Even the trash bags At Outback would be like This girl's a trash bag Stuff in her face with the blooming onion. Like, ah! Yeah, well.

You fucking scared me for a second there. I could be in a fancy steakhouse like Outback. I don't care. Dude, my buddy, one of my buddies, that's his favorite steakhouse in the world. Yo, I fuck with Outback. I mean, I know it's not fancy, but it's good. He graduated law school and his parents are like, where do you want to go to dinner? Outback. That's a man who knows what he wants.

It's underrated. We were coming home, actually, that time, it's my buddy, you met him, we were down the Jersey Shore like years and years and years ago. You punched my wife in the face. No, it's not. No, it's not. That wasn't fucking Hype Lounge. No. Yes.

No. Because my brother-in-law was there too. At the Jersey Shore. It was Hype Lounge. No. Yes. No. Because my brother-in-law was there, too. At the Jersey Shore. It was Hype Lounge. No. It was Hype Lounge. No, it wasn't. Kevin, I'm sure.

Oh, guess what? Then you punched my wife twice. This is. It was at O'Neal's in Manasquat. Nah. Nah. Nonetheless, when we were driving home, he was like, we went way out of our way. For the Outback.

To get to an Outback in like New Haven or some shit like that. I like that guy. Hey, KFC Fights, SuperBitch3BC. Sorry for the shitty music in the background. Although Fights will probably like it. My friends decided to play Greatest Showman at the bar. And they're bumping it apparently. But my question is.

I'm currently fucking my best friend. Which I love. But I'm talking to some kids. Who I really want to date. So I told all my friends. I won't have sex with him. I mean I'm 22 and he's 25 so it gets like a little bit of a year difference but not really long for sure like i won't fuck

him i would do anything with him like he walks me home and we hug we even kiss like i'm being very like very like eighth grade dance rules because i really want to date him and my friends like no you're being too much but like so i fuck my best friend because whenever i get horny i just fuck my best friend and then i can like be okay with this other kid but long, no, you're being too much. But, like, so I fuck my best friend because whenever I get horny, I just fuck my best friend. And then I can, like, be okay with this other kid. But long story short, if you're trying to date some girl, how would you act? Like, how would you want her to act? Because I'm just trying not to do anything.

I'm trying to pretend like I'm such a good girl, but I'm really not. But, like, he'll find that out later. And, like, when he finds it out, he'll be too far gone. Then he'll have to deal with it. But I guess, I just mean in general, how much of yourself do you show before you're really together with someone? Dude, that girl's like a breath. Breathe, girl!

Hang on, first of all. How many of her personalities came out in that voicemail? Brandon, before we talk about this, I feel gypped. Can you play me a little Greatest Showman? Yeah, I was trying to hear it in the background. I was like, wait for it. I'm going to put out a song. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Fights I was trying to hear it in the background. I was like, wait for it.

Oh boy. Fights has been trying to push the greatest showman on me for a while now, and I'm out on that. He swears I'm going to like it. I know that he likes the rent show tunes and all that stuff. To me, I'm just not a show tunes kind of guy. I don't even know

what that movie's about. Who's the guy in it? What do you mean? Who's the guy in it? Who's the star of the movie? Who's the fucking greatest showman? Hugh Jackman. Okay, see, I'm all set on that. I need him to be Wolverine, or I'm all good on that front.

I don't need Hugh Jackman being Bye Bye Birdie or whatever that is. I'm sure it's popular. It sounds like people are loving the music. Not for me. I don't it's popular. It sounds like people are loving the music. Not for me. I don't want that on at the bar. Give me something that's like normal music. I don't need Fido Burke giving me a fucking performance when I go to the bar. I mean, these girls are probably, these girls at the bar talking about like fucking their

best friend and singing the greatest show tune, greatest show man. Can you hear it? Yeah. I don't know if they should have sang it. Right here, right now. I'll blow the offer out. I don't want to chase you down. I know you see it.

You run with me. And I can cut you free. Out of the torture. This is Hugh Jackman right now? Yeah. Keep in. So trade that typical for something colorful. And if it's crazy. I kind of fuck with this This could just be a regular song

This is just a real song This is just a real song though This could be like Imagine Dragons on the radio right now. Okay. This is totally different. This is considered like a musical? This is just a song. They've totally flipped the game.

You know, I... What's the name of this song? I told you! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I told you! Yeah, no. Nope. Take everything I just said! Yeah, no. Nope. Take everything I just

said, throw it out the window. Throw it right out the fucking window. I've listened to that song 500 times. The other side. That song is a heater.

We skipped out before Efron comes on. Efron just crushed it. Oh, yeah. High School Musical, right? Smash it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck that. I forget that Zac Efron can sing, too. You know, I'm in on that. That's like, you know, not like your traditional musical song though No it's not

It's just a dope ass It's a musical movie With a dope ass soundtrack And I told you that 50 times And you didn't listen to me Well you didn't do a good enough job Describing it You told me

It's about P.T. Barnum I think that's What you're asking Like who is the greatest showman Yeah yeah yeah He's like Hugh Jackman He's about the circus Okay

Yeah Alright I probably won't watch this movie Okay But I probably will listen to that song Who is the greatest showman? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like Hugh Jackman. He's about the circus? Okay. Yeah. All right. I probably won't watch this movie. Okay. But I probably will listen to that song. Fair? Yeah, there are a couple other songs on the soundtrack, too. I'll get them to you.

Yeah, let me know the highlights, because I don't want to watch that movie. Anyway. As for the question, oh, damn, don't you see I'm doing fine? The question, when do you show someone your real self? I mean, for guys, damn. Don't you see I'm doing fine? The question, when do you show someone your real self? I mean, for guys, never. Never do that. No, I mean, I think it's a good question for the girls to know where it's like her friends are saying you're being too prude. Yeah, it seems like she is. Yeah, you do have to find that happy medium.

Because if you give it up too early, a lot of guys are just going to be like, all right, got what I came for. And if you don't give it up at all, a lot of guys are going to be like, well, I'm not getting what I came for. So it's that happy medium, which is tough to find. You got to feel that dude out. I mean, Feidelberg, you could be a stripper fucking dudes in the back and he doesn't care. But other guys are going to be like, yeah, no, I don't like girls who fuck on the first date sort of thing so you know i feel like that's an antiquated idea it's it's not antiquated uh it's antiquated like you're not going to be like uh i'm out but you're absolutely not going to pursue the same way you would pursue you're not going to pay the same amount of

attention you would pay that's just a fact even if you don't want to, like subconsciously, you're gonna be like, I already hit it. I mean, if you fucking rocked me, I'm not gonna be like, oh, yeah,

we had that great sex once, that's enough. Yes, you are. You absolutely, you specifically, where it's like, I'm not gonna get off the couch,

I already did that. And, and, and a lot of other guys, like, again, it's maybe not like, like, she's holding out, you're gonna gonna be like you're gonna pull out some more

stops you're gonna go to a nicer place you're gonna do it yeah but we're not rewriting the history here like that's yeah that's I mean she knows this she has to know this right I don't know I mean these girls man sometimes they're just totally clueless like this girl right now is gonna get an iPhone movie in the back of a truck

no actually she's not she's not hooking up so the guy is gonna do the And sometimes they're just totally clueless. Like this girl right now is going to get an iPhone movie in the back of a truck. No, actually, she's not. She's not hooking up. So the guy is going to do the opposite of that. He's going to be like, I'll take you to the Outback Steakhouse. He's going to roll out the red carpet. Even if you're a guy who's not trying to be like, I'm done with you because I hooked up. It's all subconscious.

It's like there will be some part of the chase that is just gone now because you gave it up that happens yeah but like i i also hate if like it's like three dates too yeah you don't have to oh you're such a late yeah like like if it happens it happens and if like the moment's perfect the moment's perfect i wouldn't like keep a rule to it but you just have to be aware that like now you know if you want him to still like really pursue you you gotta maybe you know do pull back the reins a little bit or do something a little different like because it it will affect the courtship yeah and and but really just never show who you are just see a movie and then try and be that person in the movie. Just like emulate all of the people who Hollywood tell you are cool and friendly and likable. That's what I do every single day. Who do you try to be?

I don't know. Just someone different. P.T. Barnum? Yeah, right now, probably like I'm like in like a – well, to be totally honest, right now, I'm Gerard Butler in Den of Thieves. I watched that tonight. It was dope. I watched that tonight. It was dope. I watched that tonight. But yeah, not like Zac Efron in The Greatest Showman.

Great person. Anytime, pretty much almost anytime, Zac Efron. Yes. Even when he's like the cocky asshole, he's also a good guy to emulate. Yep, he's the cocky asshole in this, but he's also a good guy. Yeah, which is, that's exactly, you always want to be Efron. He's that in Baywatch. He's that in Neighbors.

He's that in this. Like, that's what he does, and that's why chicks love him. Imagine if he was like 6'2". He would be the president. He would run the world. The only thing stopping him is that he's like 5'4". He would run the goddamn world. He's like, yeah, you just be the rich cocky guy.

When push comes to shove and real shit's on the line, you step up and save the children. It's like when fucking Zack Morris cleans the oil off that duck. You know? At the end of the day. Have you seen Zack Morris' Trash, by the way? What? Funny or Die has an actual funny series for the first time

in like 25 years. It's called Zack Morris' Trash, and they just break down how much of a horrible womanizer Zack Morris is. And it's very funny. Really? Is Trash? Oh, is Trash. funny. Really? What is it? Is trash? He's trash. Oh, is trash.

Yeah, yeah. Talk about shit Zach Morris threw away. No, no. Zach Morris is trash, and it's just like a voiceover being like, and so here at Bayside High,

we have Zach Morris who's at a charity win date auction, and it looks like he fat shames this girl into dropping out of the contest so that he can have

the cheerleader, and it's just all these horrible things that he does to people. Is Mark Paul Gossard part of it? No, I don't. He should be. He really should be because it is it's catching steam on the Internet.

And it's like we did something to Slater. Like you think it's all like funny games. But he I think he like told people that like he like left his parents and like his mom was sick. That's what I left. And like it was like a terrible, terrible thing to do. All of his plots are like horrible. Like they were doing driver's ed and you like he basically like got Slater to get in a car accident.

Let someone else take the blame for it. It's fucking all of his hijinks are horrible, horrible shit. He's a terrible person. That's how just like things go, though. As like time progresses, people decide that they want to start hating things like That's one that's kind of – I saw on Reddit maybe last week that Jim is the bad guy in the office because he hit on another guy's fiance. Right. You can look at the other side of everything. Pranked his dorky neighbor all the time and bullied his dorky neighbor and all that.

Jim's actually the bad guy. It's like, no, Jim's a sweetheart. Fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Mark Paul Gosler or Jack Morris is awesome. You can do that in almost every situation. Right, 100%. Everybody can be the bad guy.

Everybody can be the good guy. It just depends on how much of the facts you know. Thanos. Yeah, well, that's what I... By the way, I felt like I cheated on you by not going to Avengers with you. You would love Thanos so much. Yeah, well, no. I think I understand the plot. Thanos thinks there are too many people. Yes. going to Avengers with you, you would love Thanos so much. I think I understand the plot.

Thanos thinks there are too many people? Yes. He wants to wipe out half of humanity, and I was like, let's go, Thanos. What's the other Dan Brown book? Inferno. It's the same sort of shit. I remember the first 15 minutes of Inferno, and I was like, yo, wait, this guy's got a really good point.

Really good. He's like, there's no resources. We're all like minutes of Inferno. And I was like, yo, wait, this guy's got like a really good point. Really good. He's like, there's no resources. We're all like half of us are horrible. He's like, let's just even the, let's even like the playing field. Let's like reset. I'm like, yeah. And then so, but you know, best case scenario, you're dead. Worst case scenario, you're alive, but you have like twice as much shit,

twice as much space and twice as much money and resources and half the people to worry about. And we're trying to stop this man like Tony Stark. Help him out. Yeah. Team Thanos for life. KPC Radio, the first pro genocide podcast out there. Feminism. It's not genocide.

Does genocide have to be limited to a race? Because I'm like, I kill everybody. Yeah, that's the thing. We're equal opportunists, genocidal maniacs. It's the number one feminist podcast, number one masculine podcast, number one genocidal podcast. First time, long time. Just got done listening to the quickie about the girlfriend list. And the last one was find a clip so that got me thinking to when i

would first start hooking up with girls in high school and how the only thing i knew was from porn so basically first time i hooked up with a girl i went in with both fingers like a jackhammer and luckily yeah that's what i do now it was way too nice to say anything, so she went along with it. But the next girl was like, whoa, that's not what you do. So the question is, what is something that you did when you first started hooking up that you look back on and think is absolutely ridiculous or something that is just funny in general? I don't know. I'm a pretty stubborn guy. I haven't really changed my ways.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm pretty set. I haven't really evolved or matured. I don't know. I'm a pretty stubborn guy. I haven't really changed my ways. Yeah, I don't know. I'm pretty set. I haven't really evolved or matured. Sexually. You're fucking me. You're still fucking like a 17-year-old boy. That's basically what it is. You're fucking a 17-year-old boy who's gotten a little bit lazier with his manscaping. He's a little...

A little bit heavier. A little bit lazier with his manscaping a little bit heavier a little bit hairier as it doesn't have as much stamina as a 15 year old virgin i'd shave that shit up every day just in case i have sex like i'll go it might be the day it might be the day i might just fuck some random girl that i never even knew i could fuck today it might happen. Now I'll know I'm going to have sex and be like, I don't know. It's like, good enough. It's not really ugly. That's fine. Oh, man.

I mean, I literally don't think I have an answer for this. I honestly don't either. Like, I can't think of anything that I'm like, remember when I used to do that? Because if I did it then, I'd do it now. You'd probably still do it. Yeah. If anything, it's gotten worse. It's added more things that are probably not correct.

You know? Ask me this question when I'm like 60, and maybe I will have seen my ways. But, I mean, as of right now, It's just I keep adding to the repertoire of things That they don't really want to do Yeah no I'm way worse at sex than I once was I think I'm just much more of a Handful it's like Jesus Christ Trying to do all these things huh

Pick a story and just stick to it dude I don't know I guess like I don't I actually don't I guess I don't know. I guess, like, I don't – actually, you know what? I guess I don't do too much anymore. Like, I feel like I was, like – Throwing them in the air and doing all sorts of shit like that. Now you're just –

But, like, also, like, as, like, I could, like, a girl, like, get more excited, I'd, like, start doing different things. Like, no, that was working, bro. Right, right, right. You got to – you know what the thing is? It's, like, you got to be Eli Manning. You know, it's like as you get older, you realize it's like stay the course, just play your game. No matter if she's up, she's down. You just do your thing and you'll get to the finish line. You start to match intensity. It ain't gonna work. It's not gonna work. It's like, you know, when it's like when two basketball

teams are playing and one's like a slow paced team, one's like a high paced team. You try to try to run and gun with the Warriors. It ain't going to work. So she starts going crazy, and you try to match her. Guess what? You're going to be over by halftime. Final voicemail of the day is brought to you by Lightstream. Are you paying more money in interest than you need to on your credit cards?

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so you are in control. You can even get funds as soon as today. So I will probably use this because I have good credit. Finalberg cannot even contemplate using this. I don't even want to because I have good credit. Feidelberg cannot even contemplate using this. I don't even want to know what your credit is. I don't have any.

Just a zero. Yes, it's a zero. Just a zero. Is that possible? Credit score of zero? I know that. I just know I don't have credit. I don't know if that means

it's zero or what that means. I don't have bad credit. I have no credit, which is worse, I believe. Yeah, I think so. Don't ever buy it. You can't buy a house. Whatever. You'll just be in the backseat of your car at McDonald's.

Go to lightstream.com slash KFC. It's L-I-G-H-T-S-T-R-E-A-M dot com slash KFC and apply today and get additional interest rate discounts on top of their already low rates. What's up, KFC? Five, Super Producer BC. First time, new guy. I was calling a bunch of boys and I. We all had a thing back in the day where we had, like, if you had a playing card, like a baseball trading card, what would the back of the card be for you?

So what would your the back of the card be for you so what would your bullets be so like mine i won one time i banged two kicks with the same name the same night so that's wow wow but yeah just curious what would you guys have on the back of your car are you scoffing at that boys maybe you knocked the kid out first time maybe you had a threesome. Yeah, holler. We'll be back here. Your trading card, say. Where are your bullets? Dude, banging two girls with the same name in the same night is like that's like Haley's Comet. That's going to happen once

in like a zillion years. Very impressive. It's more luck than anything, but that's fucking wild. Yeah. Good for that guy. That's crazy. What would you say? I don't know. Let me look at my baseball card that I've already got. What does it say? Hang on't know. Let me look at my baseball card that I've already got. What does it say? Hang on. Let me open it up.

I guess I would probably have the boys on there. Until he discovered blogging in 2008, a little more than a year after graduating from Fordham, Kevin Clancy was tailoring as an accountant, bringing home a paycheck, but looking for a creative outlet. His online musings earned him a job as a New York writer for the fast-growing independent blog

Barstool Sports. Clancy, blogging as KFC, has gained a following as one of the most popular voices on the web. That's what my baseball card says. That's right, my baseball card. What did you say? Saturday for the boys? Yeah, probably Saturday for the boys, I guess.

I mean, that's something you put on the card. Yep. That's about it. That's about it. I don't think I've done anything impressive in my life. I don't think we have anything. I guess this is kind of impressive. I guess.

People think it's impressive. But is it? This is what I was talking about with Roan, by the way. We did a behind-the-blog with Roan, and I think Roan is actually talented. He can fucking freestyle. He can rap. He can battle. He can make music.

I don't think what we do is a talent. I mean, what we've just been doing is not talent. I don't think so. Here's the thing. It takes no effort. This does not take any effort, so it can't be talent. I agree. I expend zero energy doing this.

Oh, no. I disagree. I disagree with that. I could be like taking a nap. I disagree with that. Yeah? I expend a shocking amount of energy. We're like, I'll be exhausted.

You walk out of the studio? Yeah. I'm tired. Well, that's because it's like a therapy session and we open up deep, deep dark corners of your heart. K-Marco says that too When K-Marco comes on He's like

I don't know how you guys do that Maybe that's why I'm fucking tired all the time Because I just do this All day long It really is talking Like talking is very exhausting So wait

Maybe are we talented? I think we're just We have stamina for bullshit Stamina That's what I was going to say Stamina for bullshit This podcast is just about endurance We just kept doing it

There were several times we should have stopped. We were just going to keep doing it. There was really one time we did. I remember we were like, it's over. And then we just started again for some reason and it just stuck the second time around. I don't remember stopping. It was like a summer and we just didn't do it much and then...

Yeah, it's stamina. Stamina for bullshit. Yeah. For putting up with each other, for spewing our own. We just have... And we have no shame, so that's also talent. It's not talent. It's a noble attribute. We just have no shame and we'll say absolutely anything.

No shame, no filter. Doesn't matter how incriminating. Doesn't matter how embarrassing. That's just what we do. Yeah, that's our job. Can you put all that on a baseball card, though? No. No matter how incriminating, doesn't matter how embarrassing. That's just what we do. Yeah, that's our job. Can you put all that on a baseball card, though? No.

It's like one time we sold out a theater for all of that shit we just said. That's the highlight. One time people really wanted us to watch us live. Be real pieces of fuck. One time I was on television and they liked it so little they didn't ever want to do it again. Oh, man. Yeah, that's it. That's it. What would be on our card?

Can you think of anything? I'd say we like crack the top 10 in comedy regularly. Yeah. And if Joe Rogan didn't exist, we'd probably be. It'd be like Kevin Clancy, like John Feidelberg would be really popular if Joe Rogan was dead. That's it. That's the tagline for this show. I swear to God, if Joe Rogan ever turns up dead, I'm the number one suspect.

The other day, the first six most popular comedy episodes were Joe Rogan ever turns up dead, I'm the number one suspect. The other day, the first six most popular comedy episodes were Joe Rogan. He didn't even record six that week. They were just like other episodes. His back catalog is beating us. Joe Rogan, I want you dead, bro. We'd be rich if Joe Rogan

was dead. We probably wouldn't be. No, probably somebody else would slide in there. Here's our kill list. Here's our Steve Bus slide in there. We need to kill Marin. Here's our kill list. Here's our Steve Buscemi list. We need to kill Joe Rogan. We need to kill Mark Marin. We need to kill Bill Burr. That's it.

No, we have to kill the two girls from My Favorite Murder. Definitely. And then Dax Shepard. Dax Shepard is going to catch these fucking hands. That's it though.

Those are the only people that are consistently ahead of us. The problem is we'll always be number two because if we murder the girls from My Favorite Murder there will be a a podcast about their murder, and that will be the most popular thing ever. Ever. So we need to kill. We'll be in second place after we massacre four or five podcasters.

Deal. By the way, Patton Oswalt's deceased wife finding that fucking murderer is the wildest story ever. Yeah, that's crazy. That's pretty fucking cool. Dude, she fucking, I'm going to see if I can pull it up too. Her fucking line, like how she ended the book is so good. Like really, really good writing. She didn't finish it though, right?

I don't really know the story. I don't know either. What's her name, Megan what? Michelle McNamara. Michelle McNamara, I think. Patton Oswalt's wife was writing a book chasing down the – she started a blog called like truecrimestory.com, something like very generic way back in the day. She was just one of those people who loved true crime and shit, and she started investigating the – this is like some serial shit. It's like the girl Sarah Koenig with Adnan. She just started like investigating the East Bay rapist and the Golden State killer who is the

most prolific serial killer in modern day history. He raped he killed 12 people and he raped like 79. Some crazy shit like that. And like her work she died like last year I think unexpectedly in her sleep. But her work

basically like kept the case alive and kept the case going. And it turned out to be some cop. And I believe they said they got it from accidental DNA, which I'm pretty sure is that he drank from the coffee cup during the interrogation. And they fucking pulled it off. So it turned out to be a cop who was working in the area the whole time. But that's going to be a podcast soon that we also have to kill probably won't be a comedy so we're good i don't know that john trying to read a lot it's hard all right we have a voicemail are we done that was done okay this episode's over