KFC Radio - KFCradio: Jeff Foxworthy, Dad Lines, and Customized Deep Fakes

Episode Date: September 11, 2018

Jeff Foxworthy joins the program (50:13) to answer the urban legend question: Is Larry The Cable Guy secretly a genius? Also his new game, Relative Insanity, his rich splurge on a bulldozer and life on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. John is experiencing tailgates on the otherside of 30, KFC gets a tour of pre-school, deep fake customizable porn, and voicemails (33:12). Voicemails include: Mom Voice In Porn or Bar With Enemy, My Roommate Is Hotter Than Me, Short Guy Problems, Should Guys Pay For Birth Control? You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. All right, it's another edition of KFC Radio. Today's episode is brought to you by Robinhood. It's the investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos all commission-free. That means you're not paying any fees, you're not paying any commission to make that money.

Now, John, I know you are a financial wizard. I have a Coinbase app. I got to get rid of that. My Robinhood app. Thank you very much. Coinbase. That's an Uncle Lou special right there. No, no, no.

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You feel like you've got to be Warren Buffett to try to make money. No, no, no, no. You get yourself an app. It's like fantasy sports almost. Buying, selling, trading, moving. Make a little cash, lose a little cash, get into the game.

Can't win if you don't play, Kevin. Exactly. It's simple. It's intuitive. It's idiot-proof. I always think I don't play. I don't play. It is now totally a game.

I don't play stocks much, but I do always think that, you know what, if I did, I'd be so rich because I just, I win. I'm a winner. Well, listen, when I've dabbled with Robin Hood, I'm just like by Google. You know, it's like there are certain things I feel like that are just like going to make money no matter what. I think whatever I buy would. I'm very lucky with stuff like this. It's true.

I've won like eight raffles in my life. Really? I have two grandfather clocks because I won them both. Grandfather clocks. What? It's ridiculous. I know I have two grandfather clocks. What? It's ridiculous. I know. I have two grandfather clocks. You're fucked up life, man. It's just...

I've won two grandfather clocks. I've won a piano. I've won a TV. You just have a whole apartment of old people stuff. It's like what your grandmother has at her old house. Look at my grandfather clock and my baby grand i won i won a five thousand dollar savings bond from the treasury of the united states got to go like i want to add a patriots game like they just came

up to me someone just came up to me i was like like two i think and uh someone just came up to me and she's like is this your seat and i was like she's like well you just won five thousand dollars and get to go in the owner's box. It was before the Crafts even owned the Patriots. This was a long time ago. And I met with the Secretary of the Treasury. Again, I was a two-year-old. You were not a two-year-old.

I was two. Shay is two. You were Shay's age? Yeah. I was like, my dad's holding me in all the pictures. Oh, wait. I think I've seen these. Didn't your father, father like make a video remember

the time your dad made that crazy video didn't you show pictures of that yeah yeah yeah um and that was all the that secretary treasury later went to jail for fraud only only secretary laundering money through a two-year-old she was sexist i mean that is you've won like the raffle of life despite your crippling depression and social anxiety. It's like, yeah, I win these championships. My life's good. I work at Barstool. I do.

I win everything, Kevin. I always win. If I start doing stocks, I win. I'll do it. Win, win, win. No matter what. Get your ass in the Robin Hood game then, man. I have to.

Turn those grandfather clocks into some cash. I'll tell everyone I've been buying on Robin Hood. We can all get rich together. You want to get rich along the fights, go to barstool.robinhood.com. That's barstool.robinhood.com. They are giving listeners a free stock. Apple, Ford, Sprint.

Any stocks like that to help you build your portfolio, Robinhood's going to hook you up for free. It's barstool.robinhood. com let's go let's go it's uh it's a it's the fall the fall is here it is so i'm still sweating right now but the fall the weather is changing and i am here for it particularly because once you get older john when you when you grow up, Peter Pan, when you leave Never Never Land one day, you get old and you have a family. The summer, the seasons don't matter. Life stinks 365 and it's like, well, life stinks and it's cold. Life stinks and it's hot.

And that's really all it is. It's better to be cold. It's always better to be cold. So people have been complaining about the weather. It's been hot. It's been rainy. People are like, fuck the summer. I'm done with it.

I need the fall and winter. I need the cold weather. And people keep putting up pictures It's been rainy. People are like, fuck the summer. I'm done with it. I need the fall, winter, I need the cold weather. And people keep putting up pictures of blizzards and shit being like, just remember this when you guys were complaining about the summer and how hot it is. This was coming. I'm like, give it to me. Give it to me. The snow, the cold, the sleet, all of it. I can make myself warm. I can put

on jackets, scarves, hats, gloves. I can just not go outside. Yeah. That's a totally viable option for me. I guess it is in the summer, too, but we'll ignore that part. That doesn't fit our arguments. You can go outside and make yourself warmer.

You can't go outside and make yourself colder. Correct. You know, it's just like everywhere you go, you're sweating. In the wintertime, if I want to be cold, I can be cold. If I want to be warm, I can be warm. When I got my apartment, you know, whatever it is, 12 blocks from the office, give or take, I always said, I assumed I would be taking cabs or Ubers in the winter and I'll walk in the summers. Opposite.

Not what I do at all. Opposite. Take a cab every fucking morning walking to work in the summer. I love the walk in the walk. Today, I took a train in this morning from Boston last night with the Patriots game. Today, sometimes I'll even take an Uber from there because it's so hot. Just a lovely walk. Little rain.

Little brisk. Spitting on you. The hoodie on. It was amazing. I know this doesn't make any sense. I'm about to say. In the summer, it's too hot to walk and listen to music. In the summer, you can only focus on one thing, and it's staying cool.

And the temperature's a little different. You got music going. You got a bebop in, a little two-step. I can talk on the phone. I don't like to talk on the phone in the summer, because I don't think that's going to get my body energy up. You just like to just walk straight and try to keep your sweat and your heart rate down.

That's it. It's back. We're here. This is. And I mean, we've talked about it a million times, but it's time to get fits off. Start dressing. Start dressing. I got my hoodies.

I got my Viva line. I got my jackets. I got so many jackets. I want to break out, lace up a nice pair of boots. It's time, baby. I haven't. I haven't really started to dabble in the boot game. And this year I'm a bit hard. Yeah. Yeah. Because the sneakers are all well and good. You know me. I haven't really started to dabble in the boot game and this year I'm a boot game guy. Oh, it's that hard.

Yeah, because, you know, listen, the sneakers are all well and good. You know me. I love my sneakers. I love my clancying. It's time to get your grown man on. Get yourself a pair of boots. Plus, boots make you taller. That's definitely true. Right? Yeah, you look a little more distinguished and you literally are taller. Like, it's a win-win-win.

So, this season So this season, this, this, the season has turned this weekend was, it's another edition of adolescence. Adolescent fights is off doing his things. I'm at home doing mine. You went to a tailgate.

I did. The adolescent went to a tailgate. I don't know how adolescent I am anymore. And became the dadaless. So I went super dad. This is a watershed moment for KC Radio. The dadaless and adolescent paths have finally merged into one. I don't know if they will forever.

I might swerve back, but I had a hell of a day. This is almost like in Ghostbusters when they say don't cross the streams. Like right now, me and you have one stream, and we could, if you continue down this path, just become one gigantic miserable old person and i don't know if the show can handle that level of depression but right now me and you same boat well i did so friday night i went to francis's comedy show very funny hysterical i went with erica fleishman our our hairstylist our stylist the stylist to the stars um shout out the e and uh i went with her and a couple of the girls who worked there, her husband, her mom and

dad. It was a very... You were an honorary flight student for the night. Yeah, yeah. You finally became a Jew. But I had... I only had up to the minimum. I had my two drinks and that was it.

I didn't get drunk. I went home right after. Wow. No nightcap? I was going to get drinks. I said, I'm tired. I'm going to go. I went home right after. Wow. No nightcap? I was going to get drinks. I said, I'm tired. I'm going to go home. Went home.

Saturday I woke up. I didn't even feel like going to Boston. I texted my friends. Bit of a white lie. I said, look, I got some stuff to do on Saturday afternoon. Don't know if I'm going to make it. And it doesn't really make sense to take the train. Honestly, shout out to you for being in New York and being like, I got to go to a Patriots

game today in New England. Yeah. That is like. Well, it was the night before. game today in New England. Yeah. That is like. Well, it was the night before. It was the night before. Still. It was Saturday night. All credit to you, man.

And they were talking about where we're going to go that night and all that. And I had, you know, a group text. It was only five of us. And I, on the train up, I got the courage to say. Courage. What if I proposed that we don't go out tonight and just get a good night's rest? And we feel good. Get your good eight hours.

And everyone replied. I was hoping someone would do that. Just a bunch of liars. Oh, we go to this bar. I know someone at this bar. I said, hey, what about none of it? You guys are all on the verge. You're on the verge, and it's such a liberating place when you finally just give in to your own self and what you want to do, a.k.a. what you don't want to do.

You're in a new chapter of life, John. We started using real dad lines. Oh, yeah? Like we woke up the next morning and said, oh, we're getting a good start on the day today. We're making great time. I got off to a great start today. Such a fucking dad thing. But I noticed myself saying it.

You say that, I picture you say that as you, like, kind of pull your pants up. You know, got off to a great start today. I was actually turning on a grill. Perfect. So we got there. We got up early. We stayed in Saturday night, watched The Greatest Showman.

Oh, boy. Sunday. You really did it big. Sunday we woke up. We're packing for the tailgate. We got like 18 beers. Between like 10 of you, right? Five of us.

But there were girls. The girls had their rosé. And then we brought champagne. And we brought two bottles of rye because we were just drinking adult drinks. Yeah. And we left Boston at 7 a.m., I think. Left. And we got to the parking lot so early that it was dusk.

It wasn't literally dusk, but there was so much cloud coverage. It felt like dust. Yeah. And there were dads in their they were like those fold out chairs. Yeah. The tailgate chairs. Yeah. Just sitting there reading papers. That's that was it was in the parking lot with us when we first got there. It's just us. Literal newspapers

reading the paper. And those guys have been there for hours just to get away from their family like i'm gonna go tailgate with whom nobody i don't even have tickets for today i'm gonna sit in the party let him read this newspaper before i go home we cooked breakfast on a grill it was it was well and i had a blast i probably had four drinks in the tailgate you texted me asking if i could talk i was you said like how drunk you can you talk right now i'm good buddy i'm on water three just eating a steak what's up that's I had four drinks at the tailgate. You texted me asking if I could talk. You said, like, how drunk are you? Can you talk right now?

I'm good. Buddy, I'm on water three just eating a steak. What's up? That's the other thing, too, when you tailgate, like, as an adult. I mean, I know guys who bring, like, a full fucking, like, Italian spread. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, you want chicken marsala or you want chicken parm? I'm like, what?

It used to just be, like, dogs and burgers that you've, like, they've, like, fallen into the charcoal and you, like, they've like fallen into the charcoal and you like pick them back out. You're eating like hockey pucks. And it's like, now you're getting like steak tips that have been marinated and shit like that. Dude. In my, when I was like 22,

when I first lived in Boston, uh, me and my roommate would wake up Sunday morning, pop an Adderall, grab a 30 rack, take an Uber to Gillette. And you're ready to have a tailgate to go to. We just wanted to walk around the park and drink beer at a party.

And you're ready to be there for like 10 hours. After the game, you go back to the parking lot. Like it is, the change in tailgate might be one of the biggest examples of like a change in life. It was 106 too where, you know, when you're young, you're just wondering who's going to drive home because we're all going to be blacked out. Uber, we're going to take a train, whatever.

I'll drive. I'm just going to have three beers. Watch a football game. I mean, like St. Patrick's Day. Stupid things like Cinco de Mayo. People, what are you going to do for Cinco de Mayo? What? What? I'm going to do nothing. It's the 5th of May. The same thing I did on the 4th and the same

thing I did on the 6th. Nothing. St. Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo, Wednesday before Thanksgiving. These are all things, all these party nights. New Year's. I haven't done anything for New Year's. This New Year's, I'm going to Chicago

because I'm going to the Winter Classic. But I'm not going out on New Year's. I'm going for a hockey game. But that's like, I think I probably going out on new year's for hockey game. Yeah. Um, but that's like, I think I probably started doing no new years, no nothing. I know I've done no, nothing on new years for a long time.

That's the thing is like go skiing. That one is, that one starts earlier. The other stuff you, you still try to like wedge your drinking and eventually you just realize this is stupid. All the actual, the,

the true holidays that are just drinking holidays, the true events where it's like, we're just going to drink and tailgate, they just go away. Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong. I will be drinking again at some point, but this was a nice little change. It's a delight. Yeah.

I mean, I got drunk. I had like 12 drinks. Yeah. That's the thing, too. I drank a bottle of rum. I remember everything, but that's a low-key day for me. All right. So maybe we're not crossing streets yet. Maybe we're almost there.

That's like Artemis when she comes in and they're trying to remember, talk about who pooped in bed. She's like, so we talked about the other night. She goes, I don't remember. I haven't told you what night yet. I don't remember most evenings. I love Artemis. But it was so fun.

I was sitting around a bunch of guys who were like coaches, which is frustrating because everyone's like, oh, you should have run an X route there. Shut up. Bill Belichick knows what he's doing. Get the fuck out of here. But the Houston fans, there's so many Houston fans in town because the Astros were in town too. Oh, wow.

So a lot of people like from Houston made it just a trip. Yeah. Come up, go to two games. I actually almost considered buying tickets to the Sox last night when we got home. So that's how many drinks I had. But it was a trip. Come up, go to two games, go to the Pats game. I actually almost considered buying a ticket to the Sox last night when we got home. So that's how many drinks I had. It was so funny. People in Houston don't get sarcasm. So this is

a bunch of dumb Southerners. Beep! We interrupted this program to let you know that we forgot that Jeff Foxworthy was our interview today. Hello to all Southerners. We apologize to everyone that we just insulted because there's probably a lot more of you listening than usual because Jeff Foxworthy has hopefully driven you

to our podcast. So that was all just a joke. It was just a prank. We love you guys. We're just having fun. We love having fun on this show. No big deal. You'll catch Jeff later in the program. Now back to your regularly scheduled podcast. So at the game. Shout out Houston. I had a bunch of people in front of me with like JJ watt jerseys and shit like

that. I took a picture of a guy in a Trump 45. What a fucking douchebag. Anyone. If you were an Obama 44, I'd say you're fucking losing. You get a personalized presidential Jersey. You are a dick.

Right. Um, but I just kept yelling to no one in particular, but just making it seem like I was talking to my friend, but saying it louder. I kept going, Oh man, I'll tell you what, though. These Texans, when J.J. Watt gets back, they're going to be serious.

And they go, oh, no, he's actually playing. I didn't even notice. They were helping me out. I'm telling you, man, anybody outside the Northeast just doesn't get it. They just don't get it. You go to the Midwest, and they're all nice. You go down south, and they're just dumb. Shout out to all of our listeners across the country.

But you guys, you got to step it up. Fuck you, idiots. But you're morons. You're a bunch of moronic idiots. No, sweetheart. JJ's out there playing. He's healthy now. Oh, goodness gracious.

Heavens to Betsy, it didn't occur to me. Well, it sounds like you had yourself a nice little weekend. Yeah, I had a great time. Went home last night. We ordered some dinner, had a glass of red wine, some chicken parm. Hell of a Sunday I had. People have been asking me today going, hey, if I tell you about it, how are you doing, man? And my, you know, the response I have in the chamber is always...

Tired, whatever. Did that last week you said you woke up like, I'm so hungover. No, I'm not. I'm good. I didn't drink at all. Yeah, it's, whatever. You did that last week until you woke up. Like, I'm so hungover. Wait, no, I'm not. I'm good. I didn't drink at all. Yeah, it's like Artemis. You usually just default to like, nope. But now you're growing up, John.

I'm good. This is a Monday, and I'm in a not horrible mood. This is fucking my progress, baby. Well, I just did what I do all weekend. You got school started. Take care of kids School's starting Which like At this level When you have older kids school starts the greatest thing ever

It's like get the fuck out of here Shay it's like She goes to school for like 25 seconds a day She's in The threes program Last year it was the twos program Two hours two days a week for two year olds Now we're in the threes program. Last year it was the twos program. Two hours, two days a week for two-year-olds. Now we're in the threes. Three, three, and three.

Today, this morning, yesterday's morning was parent-teacher conferences. Wait, school hasn't started? No, it starts this week. So we had to meet the teacher for a two-year-old. 2.5-year-old turning three. How'd it go, Kevin?

I mean, it went great. It went totally fine, but it was like, what am I, what are we doing here? Like, I show up in the school, meet the teacher, she's awesome,

she's super nice, Shay's meeting her, she's loving it, and Shay just starts playing with all the toys in the room. And that was it. We just brought Shay to a room to play with toys.

While they were like, alright, so we're going to teach them words and stuff. I was like, okay, cool. School at this age is, you've met the people that are giving your nanny a break. Yeah, right. So you're the person I pay so that the other person I pay has less to do. You're the nanny to the nanny. Yeah. For just a couple hours.

Because it's not public school, right? So that's what I'm doing. I'm paying for another place for my kid to go. Next year when they're both in, it's going to be so much fucking money. I said this before. When you start tuition, the T word, when they're fucking too, just call it something else. Call it the fee. Call it the price,

the cost, the membership. Don't call the tuition. Tuition is, tuition's outrageous. Right? And then like, so Shay meets her,

we talk, we're good. We're on the same page. And then it's like, all right, like we got to go to work, like working parents. We got to like,

you know, start the day. And do you want to see the cubby? Do you want to see the bathroom? Do you want to do this? Do you want to do that? I'm like, no, man, I'm all set on that. Like, I know what the bathroom looks like. Although, I got to be honest, the toilets are really, really tiny

and low to the ground. It's pretty funny. I was like, all right, the bathroom was good. The bathroom was an interesting point of the tour. Okay. It's like this Billy Madison toilet. It's like all the way down on the ground. It's like just a toilet for little people.

It's not one of the Indian things, right, where it's a hole in the ground. So I'm good. Is it like running water plumbing? Like, we're good. Okay. Nice. So that's school time. School's back.

But as long as the weather's back, that's all I care about. Football's back. Everything's back. Football is, I mean, by the time you're listening to this, I don't know what will have happened to the Jets this week, but the mood swings that I've gone through, courtesy of the Bears, is I am so pessimistic now on everything. It's like I'm almost ready to console the Jets based on the Bears' performance.

Can I say I was a little pessimistic going into the season, too? No, you cannot say that. I wasn't pessimistic, but I was worried just because the coverage all year has been largely very negative of the Patriots. And that there's dissent in the locker room. Oh, right. So I was nervous about how it was all going to play out. Well, 2720 is not.

Oh, I mean, if it was not. Yeah, no question. In fact, Texans fumbled their first snap. Patriots recovered. And I said aloud to my friend, but also so the Texans fans in front of me could hear. So this is boring. It's over now. As soon as you beat yourself, it's over.

You cannot make any mistakes against the Patriots. It has to be perfect. It was a joke, but it was also serious. Well, this is boring. It's done now. This game's over. I hate your guts. It was.

I did have another tweet that you might not have liked. I said at halftime, I said, you know what? Maybe the patch are slipping because when they got the ball back with 530 left in the halfftime i said you know what maybe the patch are slipping because when they got the ball back with 5 30 left in the half i said you know what sucker i think they can score twice and they only scored once so it's a it was it's a noticeable difference it's crazy how like it's just a different sport that that they play compared to what i know you know who i gotta shout out i gotta shout out the guys who were in front of me too. Little to the right of the Texans fans. Two older men.

You can tell they've been doing this forever. They're season ticket holders. Six minutes left in the half. They high five and go, almost ice cream time! Hammer a high five. Two minute warning. They shut up. Come back with ice cream.

Just start hammering ice cream all halftime. It was amazing. I love that they restrict themselves to halftime for some reason. We only eat ice cream. Just start hammering ice cream all halftime. It was amazing. I love that they restrict themselves to halftime for some reason. We only eat ice cream. No two minute warning because they want to beat the crowds. I know, but I'm just saying you can go you know, you could use whenever. It's ice cream time whenever. It's like

we want to see the game, but we want to get back. It's only ice cream time in this window right here, right now. I don't want to narc on my guy either because I loved him, but he did also tell me, he goes, I tell my wife the salad every time i get home and she goes bro i don't fucking care you're eating ice cream i hate you whatever fancy badass i don't care um all right let's get into some well we got jeff fox really on the program oh yeah today uh nicest guy the whole world. Nicest guy ever.

And like one of those dudes. So this was like a McAfee thing. Like he was supposed to talk to McAfee, but then obviously McAfee's gone. So we kind of jumped in and said, gladly, we'll do it. And I had no idea what to expect because I never, I never thought I would interview Jeff Foxworthy. And then, you know, he's one of those guys you start to think about. And it's like, oh, wait a minute. He was actually like a titan of comedy and like one of the most successful comedians and actors and hosts like ever i mean let's let's drop

his net worth yeah 100 mil 100 mil according to the internet i was like god damn that redneck money is big that's like when they say like nascar is the biggest sport in the world you know what i mean it's like oh yeah because there's just that many like not in my world but in biggest sport in the world. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, yeah, because there's just that many. Not in my world, but in the world. Right, in the world. So there's just that many redneck. What did he say he splurged on? Like a tractor? A farm, yeah.

He's like, we asked him, like, what was his, you know, when you made it, what was your big, like, fancy purchase? Like a backhoe. A bulldozer. With a closed cab. Closed cab bulldozer. So when he runs over a bee's nest, I don't get him. Crazy. He's out there still,, I don't get him. Crazy.

He's out there still like tilling the land. Unbelievable. You could not find a more polar opposite guy than us. He was successful and nice. And he's got like a very wholesome brand of comedy. I feel bad that we led this off with just making fun of people from Texas because they didn't get our sarcasm. And it's like, oh, yeah, by the way, probably going to be more Southerners listening today than usual.

True. See, Jeff Fox, he really wouldn't have done that. That's the Barstool difference. So we'll have him later in the program. We might cut all that out. We might have to start this whole episode over again. He was awesome, though. He was a very interesting, good guy.

Also got to the bottom of the urban legend regarding Jeff Foxworthy and the Golden Corral. No, no, no. Larry the Cable Guy. Is he a genius? You will find out the answer when you talk to Jeff Foxworthy on the show. First, I got to tell you about loot crate i got my loot crate in the mail the other day and the inner nerd in me started geeking out this is for the comic book culture this is for the culture this is for the movies for the video games for the comic books the superheroes everybody who's down

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That's loot crate.com slash KFC. Enter the promo code KFC and get down with the largest geek and gaming subscription company in the world. Voicemails are coming up, but first the world of technology every single day we inch closer to Black Mirror and every single day we get closer to the Twilight Zone and well, we've done it.

We've talked about this before on the show. The deep fakes where you can deep fake porn so people can put Donald Trump's face into porn. You can put celebrities into porn while a company is now offering the ability to put your own goddamn face into a porn. You can deep fake

yourself and become a porn star. I want no part of that. No. No. Why not? I mean, it's just like putting my face on Michael Jordan. I would just be like, well, I can't do that. It makes me feel bad. It would highlight how much you're unable to do those things. Yeah, that looks ridiculous.

Me doing something athletic and... Would you ever do like a fantasy camp? You know, you go to spring training and do the fantasy camp because that's what this is. Fantasy camp for fucking? Yeah, basically. I mean, yeah, I would go to fantasy camp to have sex with porn stars, but... You don't want to just watch it. You want to do it. Yeah, basically. I mean, yeah, I would go to fantasy camp to have sex with porn stars. You don't want to just watch it.

You want to do it. Yeah, I want to participate. Would you actually participate? Like, I saw some Adriana Cechik thing the other day. She just did, like, a gangbang with all her fans. No, I mean, I wouldn't participate in that, but I would have sex with a porn star, I guess. If it was, like, I'm going to choose one fan, and I'm going to, like, make a porn, and she chose you, would you do it? No, but that's also, it has nothing to do with

having sexually attracted. It has to do with putting it out there and everyone seeing it. No, not even that. It's just filling out the form. It's just the laziness. Maybe I'll get Spider to sign me up. Spider just does all my dirt. It's the same thing with, like,

it's the same reason I pay my cell phone bill every month. Because I don't feel like, there's a distinct level to my laziness. I can tell you what it is. It takes three minutes to fill out our Concur expense report. I don't do it. For $150, I don't do it. It's like, here's $150 a month.

Just write this down. It's like, okay, I'll do it later. Never do it. It's astounding. I get mad at myself all the fucking time. And that's why I don't ever feel bad when I'm late with my actual ones. Like when we go to LA and it. Never. It's astounding. I get mad at myself all the fucking time. And that's why I don't ever feel bad when I'm late with my actual ones. Like when we go to LA and it's expensive.

I could have been doing this all year long. I'm saving you so much money with my laziness that just shut the fuck up and grant me this one. Well, I don't know. I'm trying to decide if I would like this. I mean, I wouldn't like this, but I would maybe. It would be so weird.

I think it would be like a novelty. Like, why not? Put me in there. Let me see what it's like. But, like, I don't, like, I'm such a fucking psycho. I'm so weird. I don't understand. I don't even know what I'm trying to say because, like, I hate seeing myself.

What's wrong with you? In anything, right? You look in the mirror every single chance you get. But I'm mad every time. Yeah, you're like, oh, that didn't look like I wanted to look. I'm like, ugh, you fucking disgusting piece of shit. Okay, I do that too. I'm like, let me see what I'm like.

Oh, no. That looks terrible. So like, yes, it doesn't make any sense. I'm in love with myself and I fucking hate it. I'm the stern rule to myself. 15 minutes? Yeah, people who hate you listen for 15. People who love you listen for 10.

I hate myself when I listen for 15 minutes every fucking time. I can't stop looking. It's a scary thought because I do expect it to look good, and it just never does. I showed Dave a picture. There was a picture of Dave from the AVNs. I think I sent it around a couple months ago. He is unspeakably ugly in this. Double chin.

The nose was bigger. He has like this helmet of hair. That looks like he cut his own hair. Yeah, he cut his own hair. He's so proud that he cut his own hair. He had like a mullet kind of, but it was like a jerry curl at the same time. It was very curly and greasy.

Super pale, super fat. And like the thing is, at that time, like he looks back at her now, he's like, oh my God. But in that moment, he was like, I look hot as shit. He went to the ABNs in But in that moment, he was like, I look hot as shit. He went to the ABNs in his tuxedo and he was like, I am killing the game. And he was like, I can't even look at you.

You're so ugly. That stuff to me, people like that. I do envy it. I do envy the ability to. Like the ignorance is bliss sort of thing. It's not even ignorance. It's confidence. It's confidence and just a warped perception of thing. It's not even ignorance. It's like you have it. Confidence, yeah. You have just a, yeah, it's confidence and then there's

a warped perception of reality and I'm so envious and jealous of the people who have that who think I'm brilliant. I look good every time. I'm hot. I'm funny.

I think I'm none of those things. Right. But I do always look in the mirror. Like, you know, I know what I'm going to get but it's like, let me see if I look good. Nope.

You know, but I do still kind of check. Maybe this will be the time now. Still messing with good. Nope. But I do still kind of check. Maybe this will be the time now. Still messing with Mark. Okay. Alright, Dave was like, yep. Nope. Nailed it. God, he was gross.

Further proofs, folks. There are no good-looking people, only rich people. There's no such thing as ugly and pretty. There's only rich and poor. That's it. Seinfeld says you've never seen an ugly homeless person. I mean, a hot homeless person yep it is you can buy your style your looks you can do it all if you got the right money to do it uh as far as the deep fakes porn thing if you if someone wants to do this for me i'll give it a watch i don't think i'm gonna like it i also like can you could you like you're supposed to like jerk off your own porn yeah that would be weird to me. I don't think I'm going to like it. I also, like, can you, could you, like, you're supposed to, like, jerk off to your own porn?

That would be weird to me, too. I don't know. Because then you really got to be, like, a conceited asshole where it's like, oh, yeah, look at me, like, putting it down. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack. And you know what you're watching is a lie. Yeah, right. You know.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe you show it to someone else. Maybe you send it to the ex-girlfriend. So if you could do me a deep fake That's like some serious amateur shit Looks like it's home video Talking like maybe the guy's socks are still on

Maybe like a puppy Runs across the screen Like oh yeah we're just in someone's apartment We happen to be having sex and filming it But he also throws down on it And you put my head on there And I can maybe just just leak that out there. Then maybe there's some value in the deepfakes porn.

If you just throw my head, I'm like, man, well, Ferrara, what am I going to get out of that? Don't put my head on an uncircumcised dick. No, thank you. No, thank you. I don't want that fake news getting out there. Imagine that. No, thank you. This is a career killer.

He's been uncircumcised this whole time. He's been lying. Boy, shout out to the South. Shout out to the Midwest. Shout out to all the guys with uncircumcised dicks. Because we have been bashing you for 10 straight years. It's very funny that in this interview coming up that Jeff will tell you about how he thought, you know, don't swear in your set because you want to have the largest possible crowd.

We're like, we want seven people. We are going to alienate everybody. You have to be from the Northeast with a normal dick and not really like drinking and not really like yourself, and then you can listen to our show. All six of you. The drinking's good. The drinkers are welcome here.

That's true. this is our safe haven for sure uh let us know on twitter at kc radio you in on putting your face in some deep fake porn or not time for voicemails they're brought to you by mgm springfield springfield is popping this is gonna change springfield forever man this is so the whole thing that sucks vegas is too far away mohegan sun foxwoods are literally in the middle of nowhere springfield while it's not Springfield forever, man. This is, so the whole thing that sucks, Vegas is too far away. Mohegan Sun, Foxwoods are literally in the middle of nowhere. Springfield, while it's not exactly at the top of the list of like destination cities, it is like a city.

It's a place. It is, you're not traveling to just the middle of nowhere where you're on like a reservation. MGM Springfield is in the middle of town, in the middle of civilization. You can go there. You're amongst the people. You're not just lost in the wilderness trying to get your gamble on. So go to MGM Springfield now. They've got Topgolf. They've got TAP Sports Bars.

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What do we got? KFC, fight. Super producer, BC. A little would you rather for you would you rather all the women's audio and all the porn you watch meaning kevin your interview porn and the moaning all of that be your mother's voice volume has to stay on or every time you have an alcoholic beverage whether at home or at a bar you have your nemes, or every time you have an alcoholic beverage, whether at home or at a bar, you have your nemesis or the person you hate the most chirping in your ear, right? Michael Rappaport, KFC, pretty much any Yankee fan. So, yeah, figure out what you guys would think.

So, hope to hear back from you. Interesting. So, at first, my gut reaction was like, I'll just take the guy chirping me at the bar I don't want to have some weird like Mother Oedipus issue going on Every time I watch porn But then when he said Rappaport, Yankee fans Dave

Like if every time I'm just trying to unwind and have a drink And enjoy myself at the bar That's happening That's I mean that's a more, this is just a time thing. It's like, I'm watching porn a lot, but it's, you know, pretty quick and it doesn't, that's it. Finish, you're done. Whereas, like,

if you ruin my life at a bar, that's gonna be like a considerable chunk of my life, you know? It's gonna, it's, yeah, it has to be the first one, and I can't do that, so it'd be like, I'd go to pictures. Well, I guess you could just put that shit on mute, and I can't do that. So it would be like I'd go to pictures. Well, I guess you could just put that shit on mute, right? You're just watching.

He said no mute. It has to be on. It has to be on. Okay. I mean, I'd have to just start like – Well, you've been on that erotica train for a while. I was reading it. Or just like nudes you've gotten.

Yeah. You've got to stay with that. I mean, I can't. But I think I have less of a need to jerk off than I do to have a drink. Right. That's called alcoholism. If you're going to be addicted to one thing, I'd prefer the alcohol than jerking my own dick.

That's an interesting one. Would you rather? Would you rather be addicted to booze or your dick? I think being addicted to alcohol is way more life-ruining than porn. People say that being addicted to porn is way more life-ruining than porn. So people say that being addicted to porn is, like, going to ruin your life. And, like, if you, like, literally can't leave the house or something because you're just constantly jerking off, fine.

But I think being an alcoholic is worse. Probably. I think it's kind of one of those things where being an alcoholic has been around forever. We don't know the extent of how fucked up you can be. True. But I don't know. Do you think that there was just, like, some caveman whoman who was like never leaving his cave because he was just beating it? Yeah, you got to go like make a fire and kill some animals.

And he just died. Nope. And he just jerks off until he's dead because there's no food. It could have been. You never know. Mankind doesn't change that much. We have a couple extra like things at our disposal, but not much changes. What was the original question?

Oh, so the the yeah i think i think i gotta just because at least you know also just in the comfort of your own home just deal with the fact that it's your mom i just i think i'd have to stop one i don't think you just couldn't do it yeah i don't think you did but but i'm very good with straight memory by the way yeah oh yeah i could do that too but and also just, I'm being a martyr for like my friends too because every time you ever have a drink with me,

Rappaport shows up and I don't get invited anywhere anymore. Yeah, that's true. Like social settings. I'm 60 years old at, you know, sitting in my home

with my two grandfather clocks and a piano just trying to have a glass of wine and all of a sudden Rappaport shows up. Fuck that. Fuck that.

What up, KFC? Fight Superdue. Superdue to BC. Average producer, Logan. I don't know who the fuck's there. I'm listening to the podcast with Mitch Schnitt on it. And I'm not a tall guy. I'm about 5'4".

5'3 and 3 quarters, if you ask one of my friends who knows my exact height, because I'm a fucking weirdo. Definitely not a tall guy. It was soul crushing to hear that Ellie, her ideal man is 5'10", 5'11". Like I don't discriminate. I have that George Costanza dream. I want to fuck on Amazon, you know. But here I am, 5'3 and 3 quarters, you know.

I got a job. I got a house. I'm a solid six three. And, uh, fuck, I'm a ten. But these fucking chicks. Why do they do this? Why do they fucking do this? I don't get it.

Well, my question is, would you rather be a 5'10", 5'11", guy? Loser? No job? Or, uh, pulling pussy? Or would you rather be me? I don't think that's a hard one all right i don't think it is either bro i'll be the 510 guy i mean it just is uh tough it's tough like yes logically you're correct sir like own a house have a job be a fucking real person sure you got friends and your life is nice.

But to sign the fucking paper and snap the genie's magic fingers and just become that, to sign up to be 5'3", I just can't do it. I just can't do it. You might be right. In the long run, I'll be like, wow, I really fucking made a bad decision. But in that moment, I would probably do it

the same way every single time. You can't have a job if you're 5'10 5'11 i mean first of all even 5'10 isn't very appealing yeah no that's that's actually in a way that's logan's like fuck that that but to sign for that so like you the real the way the better way to put it would be like you want to be like 6'3 or 6'4 and you're like you look great but you can't have a job because 5'10 really is like there are still girls who are going to be like, I need six foot. No. So you're technically in the same boat as five, three, but now you don't have a job. So actually in that case, I think I'll go five, three and a job because five, 10 just

ain't enough to overcome the unemployment. But if it's like, let's say you are, you know, Efron, but six'3". I mean... And you can just be this unemployed bum, just, like, live in life. And you can make that... You can live out of a van. You can make that... I would go live in, like, San Diego, and I would just be, like, a surfer and sleep on the beach. And girls would go crazy. And, like, yeah, go on dates,

and, like, they have to pay for it, because they'll be happy and glad to do it, and that's how you feed yourself and survive. I just live on free food from girls and pussies. Kevin, you're a 6'3 prostitute. Yeah, just a gigolo. I don't know. Sorry, you can't pay me in money, but I'll take a steak. Thank you very much. Pay me in food and sex. Let's go. But yeah,

the 5'3 is tough. And like, he's right. Like, Ellie should not be allowed to hook up with a 6'2 guy. I mean, that's legally. Like, physically and logistically, it doesn't even make sense But it's just like You need to leave those

For the girls Who are you know 5'8", 5'9", 5'10 Cause you A 5'5 guy Towers over you So leave the actual tall guys For the taller girls

If I was a tall chick I would beat the shit out of Ellie Welcome Ellie Good way to have you here If I was a tall chick, I would beat the shit out of Ellie. Welcome, Ellie. Good way to have you here. Hey, how's it going on? Some simple advice here. I moved a few states away from home a little while ago. And my roommate from college is going to be moving and joining me.

We're going to be able to play together. It's going to be awesome. We're going to have a good time. We're both in our mid-20s, single. It should be an absolute blast. My concern is, however, that he is a little more attractive. I'm an above-average guy, but he's got a little more on me. I'm man enough to admit that.

And he has a stronger personality where he tends to hold people's attention better. I'm a little more passive. I know that. However, I've been doing quite well for myself, I've got to say, recently. So my question is just how do I combat the disadvantages, I guess. All right, thanks. John, you tell them how you deal with me. I don't know.

I'll tell you what, this guy is already lost. If you're inside your own head this much about it, first step, stop caring this much because having this talk is weird. I guess it's supposed to be hard advice. It seems easy to me. Just be you. Someone's going to like you. Probably.

Maybe not, though. Someone's probably going to like you. There's so many people in this world. If this mean yeah if this guy's saying like i've been doing well for myself like you're not it's not like you're like hey i got a friend who's like super hot and awesome and i'm a leper you know yeah also like everyone in everyone in their friend group has a hotter friend yo and we all we're all fine ride that wave like use that to your advantage i got a friend who's hotter than me. The most game I've ever seen with guys, girls, everyone. Just very to charm everybody.

I was like, teach me, bro. I rolled the Miyagi in me, man. I wouldn't even say teach me. It was like crazy stupid love. Let's do this. Take me out on town. Let's go. I don't want lessons because I'm good with me. I'm fine with me.

Even though 10 minutes ago I said how much I hate myself. It's weird. I don't explain it. It doesn't make any fucking sense. I know. But I'm fine with me. And we go to a bar. You want to talk to a group of people? That's fine. I'll stand on the outskirts. Maybe there's someone else in the outskirts who

and we'll just sit there quietly together. It's almost like on the inner circle will be'll be like the really hot guy and girl, and then on the outskirts, it'll be you. And then the far outskirts, it'll be like the fat, ugly people. And it just keeps going. It's like a map, you know? To me, if you don't use that to your advantage, there's a whole fucking tournament world of wingman for a fucking reason.

He goes and gets the 10, and you find the 8, because you get the scraps and all that shit. There's a whole lifestyle that goes around it. Don't treat him like a fucking competition like your enemy. It sounds like you're going to hate this guy. It sounds like a female relationship. That's hot friendship. Always gets the attention.

What do I do? I'll fucking just be you, man. Do whatever you want to do. That guy's girlfriend's friend. I don't know. Do what the rest of us do. It shouldn't be that hard to be you, even if you dislike yourself. Just be it. That's a fortune cookie for you.

Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by 4Hims. You're worried about her hooking up. You're worried about how tall you are if you have a job. All that stuff we just talked about. None of it matters as long as you got yourself a full head of hair because you're going to look good and girls like to run their hands through her fingers through a thick head of hair. The best way to make sure you have that hair is four hymns. Four hymns, people are still coming to understand what the four hymns movement is all about. There is, there has been for the longest time medicine to grow your hair

that you just couldn't get without a prescription for like decades. The difference is that patent expired, so now you can get it generic, so now 4Hems provides it to you. So it's not some like made up new company, it's just that you can now get the medication to do this, to make this medically happen for just five bucks. You go to 4Hems.com. You don't even have to go to the doctors. Yeah.

You just sign up. You just basically say like, yeah, I'm losing my hair. And they're like, okay, here you go. Go to 4hims.com slash KFC. Your first trial month, I think it's like $40 with a $5 fee. You get rid of the $40. All you have to do is pay the $5 fee. And you get the month-long supply of pills.

You get the shampoo that helps the hair that you do have become thicker. And you get the drops. It's like the drops that you put in the back of your head if you get in the bald spot. So, again, the hair means everything. And you start taking it while you still have some hair. I started taking it when I got engaged. That was like five years ago. You've been engaged for five years?

That's a long time. Four years. I was married in 2014. I got engaged in 2013. So, yeah, five years. That's a long time. Four years. I was married in 2014. I got engaged in 2013. So you have five years. That's a long fucking time. I was engaged. I was trying to look good for the wedding.

I put up a picture of myself. People were like, yo, you're going bald. I was like, what? I didn't know that. Took some pills. I got my hair back. Now, I don't know. I can't promise it works for everybody else because it's supposed to keep your hair that you do have.

Stops the losing. Mine kind of grew back. So you might grow it back. Get lucky. Try it, though. Even if you have a full head of hair, just start taking it. Yeah, there's no reason. There's really no reason.

There's no after effects. There's no, like, whatever. People get worried about the side effects. Trust me. There was none. I have many examples of how it was not a problem. Forhems.com slash KFC. F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com

slash KFC. I got two goddamn kids in a scandal, okay? There are no side effects. Hey guys, so I recently just got this boyfriend and he told me that I had to go on birth control because I guess he doesn't want a baby, which is fair, but then I went to pick up my birth control. It's fucking

$30 a month! How am I supposed to afford that shit? Can I ask him if he will help me out, or what are the rules? I would suggest getting a job first. $30 a month? $30 a month to not have a baby is like the best deal in the world. The best return on investment ever.

But she raises a good point. Like, I think if you have a long-term steady-ass boyfriend, probably live together, this could be a split expense. Oh, absolutely. We're both using it. If you both use the cable and you both pay for hot water Earth control should be a tax. We should just all

pay it. It should absolutely be something distributed to everyone. As far as all women, how they got the short end of the stick, the biggest one is definitely being born with the pre-existing condition that you can have children. Yeah. Like, you can carry children. That's a tough thing to be born with.

That's like getting born with leukemia. Like, your life is just fucked after that. The miracle of life. Or leukemia, yeah. Yo. Yeah, man. Yo, you know what's funny we have to have one of these things. My poor baby. My poor baby is going to have to go through this.

Why me, God? Why her? It definitely should be. I think Liz Lemon or Tina Fey had a joke about that where something along the lines of, you know, if erectile dysfunction was a thing that every man had, Viagra would be, you know, everyone would get that just in the mail every day. Like, you just have it. That's just like, government funded, you get this. So birth control, we should definitely.

Well, you know what's funny is that the mail pill is coming. There's always been rumblings of it. I think it kind of exists already. And I'm like, I'm not taking that shit. Fuck out of here. You want me to take a pill that poisons my dick holes? No, fuck that. You guys already do that.

God, it's great to be a male. It's a double standard. It's crazy. It's proven for you guys that it works and then doesn't always fuck you up forever. I don't know. I'm not signing up for the... Give you a trial.

Granted, I can't have kids. I'm infertile. the... Give you a trial. I mean, granted, I can't have kids. I'm infertile. There's no doubt about it. I'm 100% infertile. This is a fact. This is a fact. It would have happened by now. It's what you're saying.

Well, no, because I have... Oh, I know, Jim. The laptop. The laptop. It's the laptop. I just went right to the, like, you know... Probably by now you would have fucked this up. No, yeah.

John just had a laptop on his dick. For 15 years. Honestly, for 15 years no yeah John just had a laptop on his dick for 15 years honestly for 15 years I've just had a laptop on my lap I've just been microwaving my microwave and my

dick and balls for a decade and a half if your shit can still swim it is a testament to the human body right and the perseverance not only the laptop

too but when I drive I keep my phone here where do you you put it underneath I put it directly underneath my balls into my taint. Yeah. That's where. If you call me when I'm driving, I'm like, hey, buddy.

I don't know what that is about, but it's just like from my phone to my asshole and then back to my fucking ear. Like rub it on my face. Put on my asshole. Somebody else called. Put it right back on my face. I don't know why but it is it's just kind of the natural it's like how men just you instinctively put your hand on your pants

when you're relaxing you distinctly put your phone into your dick when you're driving yeah that's where it goes yeah i have a phone holster attached to my body it's my it's my balls oh great stuff um all right time for jeff foxworthy unbelievable interview with an unbelievable guy it's brought to you by lisa you're gonna get a quality night's sleep if you want to if an adolescent if you're an adolescent either way you got to get your sleep because if you're an adolescent you're partying you need to regenerate reboot re-re-go get your rest feel better if you're an adolescent you need every single second you can get in bed because you're old and you're washed and your kids are not letting you sleep.

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$160 off your next Lisa mattress. Jeff Foxworthy. Talk to him, bud. Special edition of KFC Radio. We are live at Sirius HQ alongside Jeff Foxworthy. What's up, man? Hey, man. I'm excited to be here.

You guys are like so young and so hip. It's like, oh, well, we might give him the hip title. I'm I have a tattoo. That's about my extensive. What is your tag? It's a friend who passed away. Oh, OK. Because I always say that's works.

I always said I don't have one. But if I did, it would be right next to my watch and it would say your wife's birthday's August 2nd. Yeah. September 18th. Before we before we press record here, you were just talking about having a job that you enjoy. And especially here in Manhattan, you're out on the streets. You see people who are just, you know, head down, slaving awayaving away, dead man walking into their job. And you said you used to have one of those jobs before a life in comedy. Yeah, well, I think when you're young, it's really hard when you're 18, 19, 20 years old to say, this is what I want to do.

And especially when I was that age, because it's like that's when people went to work for somebody and you worked there for 30 years and they gave you a gold watch you know now people they change jobs more but I had no idea what I wanted to do you know it's like as a kid I would say by allowance I'd buy comedy records and I'd memorize them I'd go to school and do them I'd get in trouble for making everybody laugh but I never had an I thought oh you, you could actually do this. Right. And so I thought you got to make money. My dad worked at IBM. So I'm like, all right, I guess I'll do that. And I hated it. I was terrible at it. You know, I was just not the organized engineering type of guy. I was the guy in the break room doing impersonations of the boss, you know, and getting called. And this is how lucky I was.

A bunch of guys I worked with used to go to a local comedy club and they would always come back and they go, Foxworthy, you're funnier than they are. You need to go do this. And so they entered me in a contest, not like an amateur night, a contest for working comedians. They entered and I'm like, crap, dude. And so I went and watched one week the way they did stand up. And I went home and I wrote like five minutes. And I went back the next week and I won the contest. My first night. That was the first time ever.

First time. See, we had we had Rob Riggle on recently last week. And he was telling us how he John Oliver dragged him out one night, put him on stage and said, we're hitting four clubs tonight. And you have to do the same story every time. And by the time you're done with that, your story will be good at that point. But you went one and done. You did it raw. And it was even crazier. I met my wife

that night. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is like a Disney movie. Write the script right now. She used to act and she had just done a TV thing with a guy that was a comedian that was in it. So all the people on the show went to root for this guy in the contest, and I won. And so I met my job and my wife the same night in the same dinky little comedy club.

You've been doing it for, what, 30, 40-something years now? 34 years. Wow. Jesus, that's a lot. Man, think about if you get sick that night or something, you know what I mean? Like your entire life could have been different. That's serious butterfly effect stuff.

Yeah. You're like really, really changed. And even, you know, if they hadn't laughed that night, I probably never would have done it again. Oh yeah. Oh, absolutely. Like this, this smallest like barrier sometimes could change everything. Everything.

If it rains, I don't go to the gym. Or if I don't have a career. Or if it's any other day, I don't go to the gym. But if it rains, I'm like, all right, I have an excuse. I have a reason. But the thing with Rob Riggle, the thing with me, and I tell my kids this. I'm like, everybody has dreams. But unless you take action, that's all they ever are.

They're dreams. But they can't. I did sit down and write five minutes. I did go to the club. He did go to the club and did it. He did go to four clubs and tell the story. And so, you know, sometimes it's like you have no idea what that little first step is going to lead you to. You can also turn dreams into nightmares by trying. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. You got to look at the shit. You can't fail if you don't try. That's the other side of things. You know what? But I want my kids to fail. I'm like, fail a bunch because at least you're pushing the boundaries to find out who you are and what you're capable of doing. Well, hey, we fail a bunch.

We're good. We're always trying to fail things. So if you don't fail, you're never pushing your boundaries. It's true. Very true. And now, I mean, so that one night leads to this incredible, prolific career, which I feel like at one point, I mean, you and the gang were the peak of comedy. I think still on Comedy Central, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour is the most watched thing in the history of. Is it really? Wow. Yeah. I mean, I mean, I used to watch the hell of it when I was a kid.

Yeah, I want to be honest with you. I liked Ron White a little more because I aspired. My dream was like, I think I want to be like a sad drunk. And Ron White kind of had that. He's achieving that goal. He's well on his way. Ron White is the most naturally funny human being I've ever met in my life. He could sit

down. That story about getting thrown out of a bar in New York City. We're literally sitting at dinner and he's like, did I ever tell y'all about the time and we're gut laugh i'm like you got to tell this story so y'all know he which was fun for me because like when it started i was like the only guy people kind of knew yeah you you had already had the jeff boxworthy show you had your own stand-up but i had friends that i knew were really funny that people weren't aware of them yet. So I knew with Ron. I knew with Larry the Cable Guy.

It's like all they needed was a big audience. Right. And they were going to take off. So you were friends professionally or you knew them, you know, personally and that all kind of came together? Both. Ron and I became friends in like 1985 or 6. Larry and I, 1985 or 6. Bill, like 1987.

So we knew each other forever. Do you think that's why it worked? Well, you know why I think it worked is— Well, all you guys are funny as shit, but that's why it worked. But you know the part of it that worked the best? Because when we had the idea of the tour, the guy that was promoting us wanted like a big ending, like a big musical, something big production wise. And I said to him, I said, listen, I said, comics are also fans of comedy. And when I was a kid, my favorite thing, like I used to love the Carol Burnett show, them making each other laugh.

I said, because with a comic, if you do your job right, you keep a straight face. Right. You're making – I said, so people never see us laugh. I said, so instead of doing something big, can we just bring stools out because we know each other so well and just get each other to tell stories and make each other laugh? And so instead of being big, it's intimate. But I think it worked because people could tell how much we liked each other. Right. We were buddies. I mean, I don't know. You probably didn't think of this at the time, but we're in the podcast world, and that's all podcasts really are.

It's being authentic. We're making each other laugh. It's not an act. It's not a routine. It's just kind of conversation. You guys were just doing that. Yeah. You guys invented podcasts.

Yeah, like if that's a whole industry now. I mean, we don't do it very often, but if we do a quote-unquote live show, it's just our podcast in front of people where we're doing that. So you probably didn't realize it, but you were pioneers in that moment. You were ahead of your time by breaking the fourth wall or whatever you want to call it, being relatable, not being the straight-faced guy. That's what the world is now. Go back and like look on YouTube at like at old Carol Burnett with Tim Conway. Because when I was doing Smarter than a Fifth Grader, Vicki Lawrence said, she was a guest. People would come on and play for charity.

She said, we would rehearse something for three days the same way, and then we would bring the audience in and turn the cameras on. And Tim Conway would do it totally different for no other reason than to make us laugh. But that's – see, and we live in a world of such – we're inundated by hype, by advertisement. That's why people like you guys is it's not hype. So once you get inundated with anything, you get sick of it. And then so people crave authentic now. It's like, yeah, I just want to hear – It's also the easy way out to just be like, we're authentic. I don't think it's the easy way out because you make yourself vulnerable.

Well, that's true. You have to be willing to put it all out there. That's for certain. Was there ever a moment on the tour where there was some competition or butting of heads or, you know, I'm the funniest and I'm the funniest? Or you guys all just kind of got along and rode the gravy train? drain well you know i think in the early days there was a lot of that it's especially because like in the clubs i had eight years in a row i did over 500 shows a year we were all just yeah we were just workers don't do the math how many total no well it almost goes back to the malcolm gladwell thing you know you for 10,000 hours, you get to be good at it.

And so we were competitive with each other then because you had the middle act, the opening act, middle act, and headliner. Well, hell, everybody wanted to be a headliner. Right. And so even when I was in the middle, I knew I only had 30 minutes. Hey, I'm going to be a nice guy and I'm going to do my 30 minutes. But my goal, I want to make the life for the guy going after me miserable right miserable that's how i'm a fox where is it yeah yeah i mean that that it just it takes a special group of people for that to not get toxic or too competitive or well you know

but the friendship was it's like after we did the first one and the first one I got to do, I think I did 45 minutes on the first show and Ron and Larry did 15 and Bill may have done 20 or 30. Well, by the time, and then when it blew up, I just, cause I was like the dad of the group. I said, look, next, next tour, we'll split the money four ways. We'll all do the same amount of time. Because to me, my friendship with Zim was more important than my ego of I get to close the show or whatever. I think that's kind of something we're running with since we moved to New York and we've gotten bigger where we have people come in. We just like working with each other. Probably seven of us from Barstool years past just enjoy working with each other. So business really doesn't get in the way

of anything because we just like each other. Business will work itself out. When we have new people coming in and out, it's kind of like the business world starts a problem. The ego becomes a problem. It's a tough thing to avoid. The biggest curses of human beings is egos. It just gets in the way of stuff.

Me personally, I probably would have said to Larry, your sign bit is my redneck bit. You just changed the word. Right. Well, you know, but I but I was thrilled for them because we were buddies. So people would say, do you get jealous of, you know, Larry doing? I'm like, hell no. He's my friend. I'm thrilled for him.

You know, I'm happy there. Hell, I've got enough for me. I'm doing everything I want to do. You got grammy nominations you've got what two books 26 you got a game yeah you got enough going on yeah so that's actually what you're doing this uh the card game here relative insanity which um we we are we've talked about trying to get into this world because i think it's if you're if for our show, which is authentic, like we said, and everyone just kind of listens to it and wants to talk about the things we're talking about, these kind of games are such a hit.

And it's just like your show. If you play a game and it makes you laugh, you're going to play it over and over. Over and over. So the way this started, I'm like a big family guy. So like Thanksgiving, we have like 30 relatives, and they'll stay for four or five days. Aunts, uncles, cousins, I mean, you name it. So like last Thanksgiving. God bless you, by the way.

Four or five days is all that. In fact, I said to my wife, I'm like, five may be a little too long. But, and I say kids, my girls are in their 20s now, but they're sitting around the dining room table Thanksgiving night and they're playing cards against humanity, which is funny as rip, but it's filthy. And so, I mean, even I'm a comic and I'm like, I don't even know what that means. And I went over there and I'm like, you can't you can't you got to go downstairs. Your grandmother's here. Your aunts and uncles are here. You can't – you've got to go downstairs. Your grandmother's here. Your aunt and uncle's here. You can't be saying this stuff in front of them.

And then I thought, well, there's got to be a way to do this where you can have a game that's not prudish. I mean you can make it suggestive, but it's not filthy. And that way grandma can – because there ain't nothing funnier than grandma saying something suggestive, right? But everybody could play it. And so I literally went and bought a pack of 500 note cards. I sat down and wrote 400 punchlines. Didn't even have a premise, just things that sounded funny. 400 punchlines.

And then I thought, hell, everybody's got a family. Everybody's family's crazy. So I wrote 100 setups involving relatives. So it would be like. So, well, this one right here, I'm looking at it. All right. Show you how to play. Okay.

So we'll split it up. So normally everybody has, well, here. Normally everybody has seven punchlines. You can learn to play this game in 10 seconds, which is another cool feature. Good for dumb people like us. All right. So one person reads the setup. Right before we walked down the aisle, Daddy leaned over to me

and whispered blank. Right before we walked down the aisle, Daddy leaned over to me and whispered blank. I picked mine. You picked the one, put it face down to me. See it? So it's like apples to apples or something. So you don't know, and I don't know whose is whose. Alright.

I think I'm going to win this one. And if I pick, then you get a point. That's that easy. Right before we walked down the aisle, Daddy leaned over to me and whispered, I'm not wearing any underwear. That's pretty good. I'm impressed that you mean that one.

Right before we walked down the aisle, Daddy leaned over to me and whispered, the greatest night of my life included a handicapped tub and a bottle of Mr. Bubble. That part a bottle of mr bubble all right you get it oh god really mr mr bubbles are more complicated ones so i'm gonna do that i mean that's that's like it's that easy to play everyone's drinking a little bit everyone's hanging out it's a good time and ain't nothing funnier than your aunt and uncle saying something like that right so and everybody's family's nuts did you uh so you know you mentioned cards against humanity being you know kind of over the top are you would you consider yourself kind of like a clean comic like you know i think i think i'm somewhere in the middle and i always hated doing

interviews when people say well you're a clean comedian because because to me that always implied not as funny yeah yeah yeah there is a level of that although actually i think if you appreciate it at all like me i just say fuck every other word it just comes out of my mouth and i think of it as like a crutch so i actually think of like i know jim gaffigan is very his like purposely clean and and i think that's more impressive you i think you're more funny you can't be any funnier than gaffigan doing the hot Pockets. Yeah. Or the Bacon Pit.

There's nothing about that. And there's nothing dirty in there. Yeah, yeah. You know, Seinfeld's clean. You know, Seinfeld's funny as rip. Brian Regan's funny as rip. Right. And so for me, all right, this is crazy, but it's show business.

Everybody likes the show. Nobody ever wants to think about the business thing. But it's like with the Blue Collar Tour. Everybody likes the show. Nobody ever wants to think about the business thing. But it's like with the Blue Collar Tour. The reason it was the most successful thing was you didn't have to turn it off if your aunt and uncle walked in. Or if your mom and dad walked in. You didn't have to turn it off. But it was still funny. Right.

And so for me, it was always like, all right, instead of playing to an audience this big. Smart. Why don't we play to an audience this big? Yeah, our audience is like this big. See, the thing I didn't like about Seinfeld is that Seinfeld doesn't – that isn't his reasoning behind it. His is he told a Superman joke. I forget what the whole joke was, but this is back when he was working in clubs.

He told a Superman joke, and he had fuck in it. And he said that he realized that it's not funny without fuck. Without the word, yeah. But it fuck in it. And he said that he realized that it's not funny without fuck. Without the word, yeah. But it is with it. Yeah, so I think he takes it to a way where it's like he intentionally tries to take it out. I think you should just be what you are. If you're funny with it, fine. If you're funny without it, fine.

Ron White said to me one time, he goes, the reason you're so successful is you can camouflage a dick joke better than anybody. So it was like, you know, but I would think of things, like I remember one time I was doing the Tonight Show, and this is like in the early 90s, and it was,

my oldest daughter had just been born, and that was when it was a real thing for people to film the delivery. And I said to Jay, I said, can I do a joke about filming the delivery and what the, and he's like, I don't know, I don't know if you can do that.

So that became a challenge. Yeah. It's like, all right, can I think of a clean way to do this that's still funny? And so the joke was I said everybody said, oh, you should have filmed the delivery. It's such a beautiful moment. And I said, you know, I've seen those films. To me it looks like a wet St. Bernard trying to come in through the cat door so there's there's there's that's not a producer running like heels over but there's nothing dirty there and so I you know I

call Jay and I'm like what about this what the wet St. Bernard trying to come in through the cat door? And he's laughing. He goes, yeah, you can do that. Great imagery. Brendan's got two kids. I mean, I did not know this was actually a thing at the time. I can't believe. I'm happy that's not a thing anymore. People would show up to other people. That is disgusting.

Yeah. Again, St. Bernard, cat door. No one wants to see that. In our sex ed class in high school, we were told. Everybody watched that one, right? We were told it was paused right before and said, what you're about to see is what St. Bernard coming through the cat door.

You can all leave if you want. And one sick pervert who went on to become some weirdo would stay in class. I'm a good hip play teacher. I'm taking 10 minutes in between classes now. I tell everybody who has any advice for a delivery room, I say, stay above the wall.

I'm not trying to see any of that. Rewatch it. I had a buddy that I didn't ever want to watch. My buddy watched it. He said, it was like watching your favorite ballpark get hit by an earthquake. You know, it was just... So... Just be like, ballpark get hit by an earthquake. You know, it was just... Ah.

So... It just felt like Fenway Park just ripped in half, you know. Alright, you want to do another one? Let's do another one. Yeah, let's do it. Another round of relative insanity.

I will never forget the day my grandpa said to me. See, everybody's got a grandpa. I'll never forget the day my grandpa said to me. All right, here we go. Never forget the day my grandpa said to me, I'll see you in hell. That's it. You win. I'll never forget the day my grandpa said to me, do my pits stink?

I'll see you in hell. That's the one. See, it's that easy. And you laugh. Keep it simple, man. Like I said, you're having a few drinks. You want to just be able to grab cards and make people laugh. It's the way to go.

And especially, I mean, you know, after a long, hard career, I'm sure. You know what? I'll tell you what. By the way, for such a family man here, are you smarter than a fifth grader? Ruined my family life. Do you know how many times you proved a fucking fifth grader smarter than me, man?

Because I was probably a sophomore in high school, junior in high school at the time, and my sister was in fifth grade. Guess what? She knew all that shit. I didn't know any of it anyway. Well, you know, it was funny because Mark Burnett called me, and he said, would you have any interest in hosting a game show?

And I said, no, that's cheesy. I don't want to host a game show. I said, what's the premise? He goes, adults taking an elementary school test for a shot at a million bucks. And I went, and I said, crap, that's brilliant. Because everybody's going to think they can do it. And you realize, hell, i can't do that you know there was another game show you did uh american bible challenge i believe was it uh that and that was i mean that's a unique premise there that

hooked you too yeah it's just like a bible challenge like a bible quiz show yeah but and i said to them you know i i when they approached, that was Game Show Network. And they said, would you do this? And first I turned it down, and then I went back. Because I didn't want, it just seemed weird to me that you would make money for knowing the Bible. And I said, all right. I went back and I said, I'll do it. But whoever wins, they have to give all the money away to help somebody else.

If you're going to make this truly like it's a biblical idea, then they don't keep the money. They got to give it away to like, you know, somebody in need somewhere. I think we would not be good at that show. I'd be all right. I did Catholic school, man. That's true. It's true. I'd be all right.

Hang in there I once had a monk Tell me that Because I went to school With Jesuit monks And I once had a monk Tell me that There were parts There were books of the Bible

That were left out And one of them That was left out Was that when Jesus Was a child He was playing with Someone took his toy So Jesus made him

Disappear with his eyes And I said Why did they take that out That sounds awesome. That's the best part of the whole story. That's a great part right there. He said, well, it wouldn't be believable. I was like, I don't care.

What were the Jesuit monks smoking, man? I've never even heard that story. It's one of the few things I really remember. And I remember where I was sitting when he said it. He was at the altar when he said it. And I was just like looking around. Everybody else finds it as crazy as I do, right i do right a little bit of an urban legend there we were talking about another urban legend that came out of your camp that larry the cable guy is actually

a a certified genius that was something that we all heard growing up is that true or not true that is not true i figured that was an urban legend i I love him to death. I'm not even close. Have you heard that one before? No. We all do that as well. I've heard several times that Ron was dead. But no, Larry's not. That's actually –

Larry, this is a true story. Larry's ambition in life was to be like a livestock auctioneer. And if you ever have him on here, get him to do it because he's great at it. You know, I can't. But he practices. Like 25, 30, 40. But he grew up on a pig farm in Nebraska. And when he was a little kid, he would go across the street to the livestock auction and he would buy little pigs, feeder pigs.

And then he would raise them and sell them. And that's how he made his money when he was a little kid. So not a Mensa guy. No. Let me tell you, this is how mensa larry is so when we did the first blue color tour and he kind of blew up nutrisystem was going to give him a million dollars to lose 50 pounds so and and i'm like holy hell you know i'm wish i wasn't skinny so put it on and lose it again so larry knew that his willpower was not very good, so he hired a full-time trainer to go on the road with us to make sure he worked out every day

and that he ate right so he could get the million dollars. You know, he was going to lose the 50 pounds. I'm not lying to you. Larry would come in my dressing room, and he would go, hey, I heard there's donuts in the dressing room. He goes, do me a favor go over there and talk to my trainer for about 10 minutes and distract him i'm gonna go get some and i'm thinking you're paying this guy you're paying this man to make sure you lose weight and you want me to distract him so you can eat donuts did he lose the 50 he did oh and he got a million

and he got the money and then he just decided, you know what? Well, then he was back to being fat again. So he's like, instead of doing Nutrisystem, I'm just going to do Prilosec. I'm going to have heartburn, and I'm going to eat anything I want to eat. They're very effective ads. I'm a bad heartburn guy myself, and every time I get a Prilosec, I'm like, take it to Larry. My guy Larry. He's here. The other urban legend was that you owned Golden Corral.

I know. Did a couple commercials. Was that really? Was that really? It was one of just like while we were doing research for the interview and things like that, I was just Googling Jeff Foxworthy and one of the first results is, does Jeff Foxworthy own Golden Corral? I was.

That's crazy. You know, the world we, because people will send me like like somebody sent me a meme the other day. It's like once people know who you are, they put your face and your name on something. And they say whatever they want. And it's your quote. And people are sending me, did you say this? I'm like, hell no, I didn't say that. But how does something like that start?

I guess you did commercials, obviously. I did commercials for Golden Grove. But that's all it takes, huh? Colin Kaepernick owns Nike. You get a couple of idiots like us who say something as a joke, somebody takes it real, the next thing you know, that's fact. When you really reached your peak, because you and all the guys really like

very relatable, I feel like, especially to your, your demographic with the redneck jokes and the, here's your sign. Uh, did you find it hard to like stay authentic once you were, you know, very successful, very wealthy, kind of not living that life anymore. Did you ever get accused of kind of like, Hey, you're not, you're not living the redneck life anymore. I had people that would, that would like see the fact that I had a nice house, they would get upset. They were like, oh, dude, you don't live in a trailer?

And I'm like, well, I have, but – Not anymore. If you made a million bucks, you wouldn't live in a trailer either. So – but I'm still – like I have a farm. Like for Leno and Seinfeld, their thing is Porsches and fancy cars. I grew up an outdoor kid. I hunted and fished. So I have a farm, and I was south of Atlanta.

If I'm not working, I'm on a tractor or a bulldozer. I mean, and people are like, well, why don't you pay somebody to do that? I'm like, hell, I want to do it. This is fun to me. Did you have one expenditure that was, you know, very out of character or kind of lavish that you were like, I've always wanted? I just bought a closed cab bulldozer, which is really cool. Very on rent. So the answer to the question, do you have trouble staying authentic, is a resounding no.

You are doing just fine with the authenticity. I brought a bulldozer. I thought you were going to say like a yacht or something like very fancy. No, a bulldozer. I thought you were going to say a yacht or something very fancy. No, a bulldozer. No, but the closed cab is big because when you have the open cab and you're working on your roads and you hit a yellow jacket nest, a bulldozer won't outrun yellow jackets. So now I've got a closed cab and they can't get me. I don't know. What the hell are you talking about?

You're talking to two city slickers here, man. We don't know. I don't know what the hell you were talking about. You're talking to two city slickers here, man. We don't know shit. But here's why. I still have the same friends that I had. You're all just rich now. It's fine. I get it. But you're still, you know, it's weird because I remember like, because I grew up on the

side of town that was less than middle class. And I remember one, but we had a good baseball team. And one time we went to the north side of Atlanta to play a team. And when we got off the bus, I never forget this. They were making fun of our uniforms because they were kind of old and crappy. And I never forgot how that felt because I was like, crap, you don't know anything about me. You're judging me by the quality of my shirt. And then when I became successful, people would think, oh, you're this because now you're rich. And I'm like, no, I'm still the same guy.

Whether my shirt's nice or bad, I'm still the same. It's still just a shirt. But I just don't require much in life. You realize, though, that that is the exception, not really the rule. I mean, most people. Yeah, people tell me that I'm weird. You know? That, I mean, because I'm well-adjusted.

I love my kids. I've been married 33 years. I have the same friends since I was a child. You know, people always say, well. I'm poor. I don't have the same friends as a child. Do you buy them back once you got rich? I don't yet.

Well, it's very cool that you are still that way. It was a pleasure talking to you, and the game seems very fun. Relative Insanity, you can buy it in stores, on the internet, everywhere, is it? It's in Walmarts. It goes to Walmarts this week. It's on Amazon. It's doing great. It's a lot of fun.

Very cool stuff. You know what? It's laughs. You know, and anytime you, it's what your show is. We work on that. We'll see. It's been like six years. We're trying to start to get show is. So we work on that. We'll see. It's been like six years. We're trying to start to get the last.

We're working towards that. We're almost there. It took you one night staying on six years, but whatever, you know. I always think laughter is like the release valve that keeps the boiler from exploding. Exactly. You know, so we all need to laugh. You're talking to two, not pioneers of that, but two real users of it. Disciples. Disciples.

Disciples, there we go. Well, thank you, sir. We appreciate it. Oh, man, thanks for having me.