KFC Radio - KFCradio: Joel McHale

Episode Date: April 24, 2018

Joel McHale interviews (and psychoanalyzes) Feitelberg and KFC. Voicemails include: 2 feet taller or 1 foot shorter, old man shits in your ear, changing your last name, double the money for your arch nemesisToday's episode brought to you by:BROCKMIRE: new season on IFC starting April 25th at 10pmBLUE APRON: $30 off your order BlueApron.com/KFC1-800-FLOWERS: 35 Sorbet Roses for $36 promo code: KFCOMAX: 60% off MyOmaxBoost.com/kfcMVMT: Sunglasses for 15% of MVMT.com/kfcYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio, Clancy, Feidelberg, and tomorrow, season two of Brockmire premieres on IFC. It is the most anticipated return for the guys here at KFC Radio. We get a lot of people tweeting us after the first ad read being like, I finally watched it. Like, thank God. If you haven't watched it yet, watch it. It's fucking great.

I've been getting a lot of like, you weren't lying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was seriously good. I'm like, yeah, no fucking kidding. Yeah, I'm not fucking lying. I'm telling you, it's one of the funniest shows

I've ever seen. Definitely one of the funniest shows on television right now. I don't tell lies. Brockmire is good. Away Luggage is fantastic. There you go. Four hymns gets your dick hard. This is what we use. This is what we

do. So Brockmire is calling games in AAA this season. He's still waiting for his call up to the majors, but he is now a podcaster. So as if we can't identify with a self-loathing baseball fan with many, many vices who has been publicly mortified

through sexcapades. He's now a podcaster. So basically, Brockmire is KFC Radio coming to life in television form tomorrow night, 10 p.m. on IFC. Hank Azaria is back. It's Brockmire, like I said, tomorrow, 10 p.m. But today we've got Joel McHale on the show of community fame, talk soup fame, and his new show on Netflix, The Joel McHale Show with Joel McHale. What you are about to listen to is one of the strangest podcast interviews of all time. Certainly the strangest I've ever been a part of.

Like when Dwight was, what is it? Dwight flips the script and becomes the interviewer or it happens to Dwight, I think. Yeah, it's during 420. I was just watching it. Well, this is another example. That's one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When Jim is flipping the script on who's smoking weed and how high.

That's exactly what happened. Here it is. Dwight flips the script on Andy. When Andy's interviewing for Cornell. And he starts taking notes and interviewing the interviewer yes and that i mean like joel just sat down just like interviewed us he was uh what i love is listen we've been getting a ton of major guests and uh they all have really shout out to logan by the way that video is so good i've watched like 10 times from last week yes Yes. Yes. The new recap video that Logan put out is basically like I knew that what we were doing was cool. And I knew we were getting to sit with a lot of cool people and making funny podcasts.

But when you see it come to life like that with some music and shit, it's like the Dave Chappelle skit where you put slow motion and good music in front of anything. Everybody becomes cool. All of a sudden I was like, shit, we look good. We're cool. But, you know whenever these these guests come through what's called spade a spade they're all promoting something they're all on on a tour they're like yeah no and the interviews end up coming out great and they're you know like we walked out of there with glenn howerton being like let's do more but he was there

to promote joel mckale was here to promote the joel mckale show and he had absolutely zero interest in talking about i kept trying to get him to. He, he, at one point, I hope you catch it during the interview. He quickly whispers like, this is so much better than just talking about the Joel McHale show. I'm sure when you do that 50 million times in a row, you're sick of it.

He rolled in here completely solo, not a single other person. That was so weird. Very rare. Very rare. Yeah. And at the very least, like a couple people, someone to take pictures,

someone to keep you on schedule, and most often, a fucking entourage. He rolled in solo, which I really, really appreciate. It's usually really hard to fit their whole team in the podcast.

In the tiny pocket. They're like, hey, is there any seats in there? I'm like, it's going to be so fucking hot if all you assholes sit in here. He came in straight solo. Had to duck to get out

of the elevator because he's tall as shit and was like, let's do this. And I wasn't sure sure i'm never sure with these guys you know as you get bigger big bigger names and i was like i don't know is joel mckell gonna like us and i still don't know if he likes us i still don't know but i think he could tell that we were cool to do what he did to us yes you know what i mean so whether or not he likes us i mean at one point he was like i'll never see you guys again he's like when i come I come back here, I'm not coming back. But the mere fact that he was comfortable enough to just be like, you know what?

This is not the time and place to just do one of my generic, you know, press junket tours. We're going to have some fun with it. Let's take the governor off. Let's have some fun. And fun he had. Mostly at your expense. Mostly at my expense.

I have never been a worse friend than I was to John during this interview because he was just looking for a lifeline, and I was like, nah, I'm good. You were not helping. I was just looking around. What do you need? Oh, John, is something wrong? So watch, listen to Joel McHale for the next 30 minutes. Just skewer John Feidelberg.

Just literal torture. This was like Reek and what's his face? Ramsey Bolton. It's like that times 10. This interview slash torture session of Feidelberg is brought to you by Blue Apron. It's the leading meal kit delivery service in the U.S. And so a lot of people know by this point

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It's go to blueapron.com slash KFC. You're going to get $30 off on this week's box. So go to blueapron.com slash KFC. Get those meals started and save $30 in the process. Joel McHale. All right, another edition of KFC Radio. Another guest as the heater continues here. We got Joel McHale live in studio with us coming by the Barstool headquarters. Thank you, brother.

Brought to you by Tito's Handmade Vodka. Yeah, we pour the vodka through our hands. Would you like some? No. We can pour it up for you. I've got to stay awake for the rest of the day. What's your drink of choice? Wine.

Red? White? I like red wine a lot. I got to stay awake for the rest of the day. What's your drink of choice? Wine. Red? White? I like red wine a lot. Maybe Cabernet? Yeah, I like Cabernet. All right. Yeah. I fuck with that, too.

Very popular in America. Very popular. How about you? Wait, you were born in Rome or something, right? That's right, baby. Somebody look at the Wikipedia page. I did my research, man. Let's see what you get wrong and what you get right, because there's a bunch of things

on there that are wrong. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, the Italy thing is pretty cool. It's Rome, Georgia. Oh. No, Rome, Italy. You're fucking me, man.

Wow. I was like, fuck. You fucked it up already. Jesus Christ. It's Athens, Georgia, my friend. How old are you? I'm 33. 29.

All right. It took you a little too long. I never know how old I am. Did you guys go to college? Yes. Where'd you go? I'm 33. 29. All right. It took you a little too long. I never know how old I am. Did you guys go to college? Yes. Where'd you go? I went to Fordham. Whoa.

Right up the street. All right. Florida State. Okay. And that's all I want to ask you. Okay. That's as far as it goes. You just put your game on us.

You're interviewing us, aren't you? Did you go to college? Did you teach communications majors? No. I got my MBA. I was creative writing. Oh. So this is why. Yeah. This makes sense for radio got my MBA. I was creative writing. Oh, so this is why.

This makes sense for radio. But MBA, you had a personal crisis and said, I can't do this. I'm moving to New York and now, look, I'm on the radio. Kevin didn't have a personal crisis. Kevin started America's crisis. A financial crisis. I was working as an accountant

managing the exact type of financial instruments that led to the recession in 2008 and 2009. Well, thank you for that. Thank you for being a small piece of the machine that brought our economy to its knees. I was like – I started – you know, whenever I started, like a couple months later was like when everything fell apart. And they were talking about CDOs and collateralized debt. And I was like, I do that that and I'm not good at it. Fuck, I got to get out of here.

I ruined it. Yeah, I ruined America. So then you quit or you were fired? I dug my heels in until I was fired so that I could get benefits and whatnot. Oh, all right. What did you do with all the suits? I actually luckily only needed to do business casual, but I just got rid of that shit. Yeah, I mean, look at you now.

Yeah, I mean, this is out of control. But now look. And then you said, I want to be in radio, or you fell into it? We started out blogging, so we were just writing articles, and then that became podcasts, and then that became radio, and now we have a serious channel, but... See? You know... And now, the money to Upper East Side now? Money?

I was on the Upper East Side. This guy, he knows. See? Now I got a house, and I'm in the burbs. Oh, because you have kids? Yes. Two? Yes. All right. Now I got a house and I'm in the burbs. Oh, because you have kids? Yes. Two? Yes.

All right. And you got none, so you're in the city. Which village are you in? Or are you in Brooklyn? Murray Hill. Where? Murray Hill.

Not far from here, like 30, 50 blocks. 30's on the east side is where the frat bros after college live and usually by 29 they transition out of there. But you're still there. I never hang out there.

I didn't know Murray Hill was a thing when I first moved here. I only moved here two years ago. I'm from Boston. What frat were you in at Florida State? Pike. Nice. Some of your old brothers still in town there? I actually don't keep in touch with any of them.

I'm the worst brother ever. Yo, we are getting bodied on our own show right now. He's just zipping us up in a body bag. It's not predictable at all that somebody in New York would have kids and move out to the suburbs after having a job in the financial sector. And then how did you guys meet?

Just through work. Like, we do this. Yeah. Oh, so you were already in the business when he and you were entering at the same when he and you're i was actually his intern yes oh yeah i was kevin's intern that has got to be rough for you nine years ago because you were four three and a half years younger yeah wow yeah there was there was a time where i was like do this bitch work but then it quickly like that quickly stopped right he was like no like how many times did you when you had you just had a new kid, you'd be like, dude, I'm

still going to go out. We're still going to have a great time. And then that stopped immediately. Yeah, no, that wasn't even really on the table. That was not even. Sounds like a good wife. That's someone who was like, honey, you're staying home. You will come home as soon as your radio show is done.

You have no idea, brother. You have no idea. Oh, I got two kids. How old are they? 10 and 13. Yours are what? One and three? Two and nine months.

Oh, yeah. In the thick of it, for sure. You are in baby jail. You are in, you're a veteran of the game, man. Oh, we've got puberty happening. Oh. So how old is 13-year-old? There's a lot of F-bombs.

It's great. Yeah? Yeah. So they're into Fortnite. What a surprise. 10 and 13. It's Fortnite Central at our house. Whatever.

Just go do that. Leave me alone. Is that Xbox? Thank God for the Xbox One. The machine hours on that thing, man. Yes. That thing glows. It heats the house.

You don't even need to put it on the heat. And it's California, so it's destroying the ozone. That's great. I hear that you took an Uber here. Is that correct? Not to the studio. No, to from Rochester. I have a town car.

Yes, so somebody looked at my Instagram. Thank you. Yes, no, so I don't know how it all happened, but I mean, I know exactly how it happened. It's quite a story. I was doing, I flew into Rochester on Saturday. I did a, I did stand up

at Alfred University in? Rochester. Alfred, New York. Way to go, guys. And so, that's right out of, right outside of Holton.

It's out in the middle of nowhere, but it's relatively near Rochester. Then I did a show in Ithaca, New York, at Ithaca College.

Beautiful place, obviously. And then I got into the town car. Thank you again. And we're driving about an hour up to Rochester. And the guy goes, so you flying back to Los Angeles tomorrow? And I was like, no, I'm going to New York City. And he goes, why didn't I just drive you to New York City? And I was like, well, I don't. Yeah, why? And I hadn't arranged any of it. And I didn't realize, I didn't know, but that we're three and a half hours away from Ithaca. But Alfred was much closer to Rochester. And for some reason, I drove back to Rochester. And then I had a flight scheduled yesterday morning. And it was canceled due to weather. And then they said, don't worry, we'll get you on the 637 PM flight. And

the weather was still. And I was like, that's not going to. And so I said, can you please give me a car to drive me? Because I'm not paying for it, thank God. To drive me to New York City because I had stuff to do. You couldn't miss KFC Radio. To satellite radio, guys. Satellite? No, yes, it is.

Sure, sure. No, it's over the internet and um then so i they couldn't get a car they couldn't find one and so i called the uber the weird thing about it this is so fascinating uh what is that i couldn't i typed in like the hotel i'm staying at in manhattan and it said sorry you cannot cross international borders in an Uber. And I thought, what way is that guy going? I was like, yeah, so I just need to be routed through Montreal. And so then I just started putting, I got into the car. I was able to type in Ithaca, so at least we could go that way.

And then I just started going, and now I'll change the ride again to 50 miles further and 50 miles further. And by the time I got to the city, it wouldn't let me change anything. And the guy was just like, look, I'll just get you there. At that point, you're like, you know, best friends with this guy. We are. Six hours. John Costello. He's 26.

He's a father of two. Big Bills fan. Bills Mafia guy. I mean, did I say you were sitting shotgun? Oh, yeah. You're a shotgun guy. Oh, it was a Kia Sorento. So it's a small SUV, but I am not going to sit.

You're tall, dude. Yeah, I did. So I reclined that thing. And I actually got a ton done as we drove through. Did you talk? A lot, yeah. Yeah. Is that a normal thing for you?

Oh, yeah. Let's say you're doing a 10-minute Uber. You can talk. I'm an extrovert, as they say. Okay. Yeah, I'm a golden retriever.'m the i would hate it oh no yeah you're a super introvert radio personality no it's not even an introvert it's just i don't want to fucking talk to you it's like it's sitting shotgun stuff too i actually just got back from columbia last week and in columbia uber's illegal so you have to sit shotgun and pretend like you're friends with the guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Like, no, it's illegal.

Yeah. That cocaine is perfectly fine for the last 30 years. Don't you dare get driven around. Do not. Do not get in that aftermarket cab or whatever. What was it called? A Chevy Spark. I never even heard of it.

It was like this big. A little box, right? But the guys, because there were police next to us in traffic, and the guys were trying to talk to me. I'm like, I don't speak Spanish. I know I shouldn't be in Columbia when I don't speak Spanish, but I don't speak Spanish. So I was literally just making gibberish noises with the guy. Oh, that sounds riveting. So racist.

I was like, the guy from Boston doing Spanish gibberish. I took Spanish high school. Biblioteca had Biblioteca Biblioteca You don't speak Spanish

I don't speak Spanish I don't I know words So it was like I was making up things In between Like throwing out Wicker brain

Palabras Ah Frijoles Frijoles Frijoles Tranquila Wow Why were you there?

Just visiting a friend Went down for that it was an existential crisis it was yeah it was an existential thinking about getting out of our stool sports yeah i mean i said i said that there was like a 50 chance of like a goodwill hunting situation like you know i call you monday morning and knock on your door and poof you're just gone because the guy who's so good at math has decided to take the opportunity in California? I'm so confused. I am too.

So you're on the fence now about what you're doing with your life. No, no. I'm okay. I'm never content or happy or anything. I don't know what happiness is, but I'm fine. I mean, as Americans, we're putting way too much emphasis on happiness. Agreed. We should be putting emphasis on goodness and being good to people, and that will help.

I think I'm a very good person. I don't agree. What you need to try to do. No. So you went down to Columbia to cool off for a few days. Yeah, just a little weekend trip. A weekend, two-day trip. I went Saturday, came back Tuesday afternoon.

It's not that bad of a flight. No, six hours. So. Should have taken an Uber. Yeah. And so what did you discover about yourself? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

There's not much going on in here. There's not a lot to discover. He's pretty empty and vapid. You just need to get a decent therapist. That's what I've been told. I think you might be our therapist, Joel. I went to a therapist once recently, probably like six months ago, and I didn't like it at all. She tried to Good Will Hunting me, too, where she just kept going like,

she was like, do you want to cry? And I was like, no, I don't want to cry. She's like, do you want to cry? That's a terrible therapist. She keeps going, it's not your fault. She's like, it's okay, you can cry. I was like, I don't want to cry. I'm fine. No, no, no.

A therapist should just go, what do you want to talk about? And that's it. But then I would say nothing. I'd go nothing. And then the therapist would go like, well, yeah, no one wants to talk about anything. Also, you're paying me $250 an hour

all you have to say is why'd you go to Columbia visit a friend who's the friend why'd you go what'd you learn why are they in Columbia tell us more about

this person they're in Columbia because they work there and you're in love with her that's cool just go marry her dude as he turns bright red with awkward laughter. He cannot be any more red than he is right now.

Tomato. Straight up tomato. He is already a redhead. Is it a dude or a lady? No, it's a girl. It's a girl. Oh, yeah. So what are you doing, man?

That's why I said he wasn't going to come back. How long did you guys date for? We never dated. How long did she have a boyfriend that you pined after her? Incredible. Incredible. Incredible. John's getting up and leaving. Is that enough Joel McHale therapy hour here?

Look, this is so much better than talking about the Joel McHale show with Joel McHale on Netflix. Let's talk about the Joel McHale show with Joel McHale. No way. So she had a long-term boyfriend, which she just recently broke up with her like a year ago. She broke up. It's probably dead as accurate. Yeah. About a year ago. Yeah.

And you haven't necessarily, you've been with a few people, but not anyone that was like the one. Ding, ding, ding. Keep going. You've always thought about her. And all of a sudden, hi. She said, why don't you come down and visit me? Correct? These are all things that are happy.

Yeah. Does, when you're with her, does it make you happy? Because there's that whole thing of you're like, I don't want to do this. This is uncomfortable. What is uncomfortable about it?

There's nothing. I'm not throwing you a lifeline. Believe me. You know what's more uncomfortable? That's not what we do on this show. A bar stool is more uncomfortable. Sitting's nothing about it. I'm not throwing you a lifeline. Believe me. You know what's more uncomfortable? That's not what we do on this show. A bar stool is more uncomfortable sitting on a bar stool. So here we are. Let's talk about that. Sitting on a bar stool is just the worst. Very uncomfortable.

You don't have a backrest? No, they have nothing. Yeah, it's rough. So, she's the one and she's staying in Columbia. She's not coming back anytime soon. No, never. So, you're dating, kind of. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'll vouch for Mary's not dating.

You didn't even kiss her down there? All right, you did. That's great. So congrats. Thank you. So you've made the—that must have been wonderful. That must have been great. It must have been a really great four days.

Yeah, I had a lot of fun for four days. Did you get any food poisoning? No. Any problem with the— She did trick me one time because she ordered dinner because I don't speak Spanish again. Yeah, I had a lot of fun for four days. Did you get any food poisoning? No. She did trick me one time because she ordered dinner because I don't speak Spanish again. And I was like, oh, this is really good. And she said, yes, it's dog. No.

But she was fucking with you. She was fucking with me. What are you not? That's a funny person. It's a great move. That's a good prank. It's a good joke. And what's the problem? Oh, she also gave me a purse.

She wanted to send him home with a gift for me. And what did she first want to give me? Colombian coffee, but I don't drink coffee. So she gave me a purse. Very lovely. It was actually a clutch. Very colorful. What kind of an idiot doesn't drink coffee?

It's not for me. I think it tastes disgusting. And so I don't drink things that I think taste gross. No wonder you brought down the financials. Yeah, I was pretty sleepy. I was a pretty tired guy. I think it's disgusting. It's hot, like dirty water.

And I don't like that. And everyone tries to force it on me. So now I like double down on not drinking it. Hot, dirty water. That's really what it is. It's dirt. And then you put a bunch of hot water in it. And then it's like, well, let's spice it up with some milk.

You could have fried chicken. This is just dead animal with breading. Yeah, but It's dirt. And then you put a bunch of hot water in it. And then it's like, well, let's spice it up with some milk. You could have fried chicken with this is just dead animal with breading soaked in oil. You think coffee's delicious? It could possibly be the greatest thing that's ever been invented. No, no. I just love all liquids, no matter what

they taste like. I feel like you drink coffee because you're told to and you know that it keeps you awake and you just put up with the fact that it's hot, dirty water. I'm told to drink coffee. Big coffee.

Big coffee. Big coffee's coming for you. Deep, deep, deep, deep-staped coffee. Well, I could, look, I drink it because I love it and I drink it every day. And I mean, look, you chose that sweater

that is almost the exact tone of your skin. I've been told that recently. Every time you wear that fucking sweater. Every time I've been told that. It says I get washed out, they tell me. No, yeah, you chose that sweater that is almost the exact tone of your skin. I've been told that recently. Every time you wear that fucking sweater. Every time I've been told that. It says I get washed out, they tell me. No, yeah, you're in autumn. You're not.

It's not a summer. You should not be wearing this. It makes you look like you have jaundice. That you have a deficiency. So you need to stop. A lot of interventions going on here. I think that's. This thing doesn't matter.

It has to do with all coffee is dirty. If I didn't like the taste, it must all be dirty water. I'm just saying, here's my problem with you coffee drinkers. Why do you care if I drink coffee or not? You coffee drinkers. You people. Like, just, I don't want to drink it. Leave me alone. I can do whatever the hell

I want. Yeah, but so can I. That's true. I don't have to drink your fucking coffee. I don't have to listen to your bullshit right now. I just thought you had, I thought you recently lost 300 pounds and you just had, this was excess skin. Were you like, where's your nipples? Like the only thing missing is nipples and a belly button? No, no. I assumed it was so saggy

that those have folded into the other parts of your skin. Do you drink tea? No, I mean, I would. If I had to pick off your tea, I'm drinking tea. I'm a big Coke guy. I do like iced tea with a lot of lemon. No sugar?

No sugar. Fuck that. Whoa. Bad for you. All sugar's bad for you. No, I mean, sugar's incredible. I love sugar. Okay.

So when are you going to see her again? I knew that turn. I was like, fuck. That was, he like swung in the chair and he's doing the thing with his finger on the table. I'm from Seattle, so I love coffee, of course. You've been brainwashed.

We invented it. This is coming from a guy that got into the financial sector and then brought it down, which is an accomplishment. You know what? It's a nice talking point. It's a nice talking point. Yeah. Kids, remember, follow your dreams.

Destroy the industry you get into. The real thing is, like, do follow your dreams, because if you become an accountant and you don't want to be, you'll fuck up the whole country. That's actually, I love that book. It's in the works. I'd like to read that book. So you're going back in a month, maybe a month and a half. She's not coming up here anytime soon. She's coming up here next week.

Oh, man. Oh, boy. I didn't know that. How can you not say you're not dating? You're officially going to see the girl you're not dating more than I'm going to see my wife over the last 10 days. 10 days? It's a rare thing. It's like she's coming up here for work.

Dude, go. Let's say anything, this thing. Get the boom box and get the ring, dude. If you come, I'll go. Why would you want a 46-year-old dude there? You're just there. We'll come together. We'll have our fun coffee banter.

I like this. And then I'll be like, by the way, down on one knee. You're a Yankees fan, right? Oh, fuck that. Mets fan. Oh, all right. Well, have fun for the next decade. But no, it's great.

They're going to be great, right? Yeah, they're going to be great. There's no way that this hot star will taper off at all. No chance. They'll absolutely continue this through October. No doubt. Okay, great. See, look, we can do this fun.

Like, hey, look at my wacky friends here. And then she will be like, all right, what are we doing? And I'll have my purse. Why do we all go out? And oh, you know what we'll do? We'll put the ring in the clutch. Yeah, she can go running out,

pissed that it was a boys' night, and then you run after her. I'll make sure it rains. It rains every day in Bogota. You'll be all right. Yeah, it'll be great. I mean, that sounds like a romantic comedy right there. It sounds like a pretty good setup.

Yeah, I'm down. You set the date. You're more busy than we are. Take an Uber back here from California. I'm the busy one. I'm running out to Bogota for three and a half days, and she's coming up here. We got a lot done.

We did. No, we did. We accomplished a lot. We accomplished a lot. We should probably talk about your show. Are you Jets or Giants? Jets. Do you not like it? You're obviously Patriots. He's spoiled. They've won a lot. We won against you.

Are you Seattle through and through? Sports fandom? Yes. That was hard it was um for you for yes you know what that was harder for me than i think for seahawks i honestly think i took that harder we i mean it was absolutely just what i didn't like about that they after the win they're like tom brady's the greatest quarterback back and back the whole time i'm like well, he didn't have anything to do with that play. But that fourth quarter is probably the greatest fourth quarter in NFL history.

One of my saddest memories of that is that one of the craziest catches in NFL history occurred the play before, and I was there. And all the Patriots fans are cheering because they thought he had not got the ball then he got the ball and everyone went and then that was when I had like like PTSD for that where it was like that was uh that was the helmet catch that was it's over I was looking around the Super Bowl party I was at I was at someone's apartment and I was just like I mean they're gonna win they're gonna I mean they're gonna win we don't want to say it but everyone's like literally getting shivers right and then I walked home in the snow. Now, you have Russell Wilson on your show.

Yeah. He's a weird guy. Oh, so that must have been cool. He's a weird guy. He's a weird cat. Well, he did a wonderfully weird sketch. That was. The new Nugenics was maybe the weirdest thing I've ever watched in my life. Who came up with that?

Is that straight from your weird brain? I forget who wrote that. I think Brad Stevens. But I like that because the show is pretty straightforward in that we make fun of clips of... And then I was like, let's get these sketches going. Let's mix it up. Yeah, so if people haven't seen it,

it's Joel, Russell Wilson, Meredith from The Office doing like a eugenics spoof that's like, you're in the multiverse and there's... Well, because it turns out that we're all hallucinating because we've taken too many supplements. So it gets really weird. And best was that russell wilson's like i'm on board i'm like yes yeah yeah no that makes sense because he's like russell wilson does a lot of weird stuff like he had like what his concussion probably believes in all this he probably believes

that the multiverse from the supplements and bo's headphones those aren't weird those are freaking great virginity those are proven rediscovering virginity is a little odd. If you're going to marry Ciara. Ciara, excuse me. I would do whatever Ciara wanted. That's fair. We kind of bust Russell Wilson's balls. When they do the costumes and the weird parties and all that, I'll whatever you want, baby.

I've seen the ride video. Name drop. After a game, we were at after a game. We were at dinner with them. Oh, OK. All right. It was a group dinner. It was a group dinner.

Did he order for you? We were in Bogota and I had just proposed to my non-girlfriend. No, but after dinner was all over, we got in the car. My wife was like, Ciara is so beautiful. And I was like, I know. Can you believe it? I'm going to rock it, man. Dang. That's one celebrity couple that I didn't see coming.

To go from future to Russell Wilson is a crazy scenario. But I think you could say, I mean, obviously, there's many good quarterbacks in the league. But you get your Tom Brady, who possibly never a cooler cucumber under pressure. And then you get Russell, who just seems to know exactly when to start. Either take off or just huck it. And you're like, there's no way anybody.

You got it. Doug Baldwin freaking got that. Anyway, now we talked about sports for a second. You played football, too. Wikipedia page. Yeah, for whom? Washington. University of Washington.

Yep. Washington University. You're a tall dude. Not well. I was very bad. You're a walk-on, right? I mean, a little Rudy action. Yep. All right. Washington University. You're a tall dude. Not well. I was very bad. You're a walk-on, right? I mean, a little Rudy action. Yeah.

Did you have a Rudy moment? I think when, yes, I definitely did on skit night. I nailed, that's when I knew my true talent as a football player, that I could do skits. And the first time, the seniors, they're like, wow, this guy is pretty talented at making fun of the team doctor and nothing to do with football at all. We were just saying before you came in here,

you're the first guest maybe ever, but certainly in a long time, that's taller than us, and we were intimidated by that. And then you came in here, and you just totally emasculated us and put us in a body bag. So it kind of all played out exactly how we thought it would. I felt like you fought back against the coffee thing a lot that triggered me i got triggered by the coffee because i don't like people forcing it on me it's funny because you sounded like someone who drinks a lot of coffee no it's just all natural baby

so you wake up with that uh nine month old you're just ready to go let's fucking do it all natural that sleep deprivation was i have i like i did i haven't slept very well over the last two days something by the way let interrupt you. I think my house is haunted. All right. And I thought the kids were up and running around and shit, but there was footsteps running, and I'm pretty scared about it. Just wanted to put that out there. No, you're having, that's just post-traumatic stress. But when you said sleep deprivation, I was like, maybe that's what's going on.

Oh, yeah. Because then last night I got a good night's sleep and I didn't hear anything. But I'm telling you. So it either is that you're not getting enough sleep and you're hearing things because you're like, the baby's awake. Or the ghosts on good night's sleep are like, well, we can't fuck with them now. I will tell you this. Well, maybe I took too many nudegenics. I'm just

losing it yes when russell's just had a mouthful of pills and his eyes are red the best is that the seahawks put it up they're like well this gets really weird after a moment and i was like it's fine it's great play it no so i speaking of sleep deprivation this is going to get real for a second because my first son had open heart surgery when he was two months old he's perfectly fine it's the only needed at once i could say it was the heart surgery when he was two months old. He's perfectly fine. He only needed it once. It was the heart surgery that if you needed to have it, it was the one you wanted, which is it was part of his heart wall. You just sew up those holes as opposed to valves and veins, which can be multiple surgeries.

Still a tough kid. Shout out to him. Eddie, yes. And his level, his pain tolerance is insane. We took him to the emergency room for this one thing they're like are you like he he he dislocated his kneecap kicking a heavy bag uh and and the doctor and the doctor was putting it back and he's like on a scale of one to ten what's the pain he was like seven so during that time we had to keep feeding him like pre-surgery and post-surgery. And he had to be fed every four hours.

And it took about an hour and a half to feed him. Because when kids have heart issues, they're not as strong as other kids until it gets fixed. And so as soon as the feeding was done, you had an hour and a half before the next feeding. And so you had to do it all the time. So Sarah, my wife, would work, be with the boy all day, and then I would work, and then I would come home

and I would have the night shift. And after six months, I was seeing things. I would see, like, if I was driving at night, I would see people on the highway. And, like, I would be like, why are those guys working so,

oh, they don't exist. Oh, they're not real. And they were just, they were shapes that would look like they would kind of come out of the sand or come out of sand and then just disappear. Okay. So Joel McHale was doing drugs for a while. Yeah.

Talk about coffee. Joel McHale was actually on hallucinogens. Yeah. That's... I was like, oh, this is how they torture people. This is great. Yeah. That's what happens.

Yeah. I'm a big sleep walker and talker. You know, absolutely. Just last... Two nights ago, when the ghosts were present, I was convinced that the kids and wife were being murdered, and I ran up the stairs, and I stubbed the shit out of my toe. I had a broken toenail.

I'm bleeding. You've always been a sleepwalker? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've actually basically ruined my life sleepwalking. I've had three shoulder surgeries and two back surgeries because I was running, and I fell and, like, fucked up my whole life. And your

wife, does it scare her? She gets very aggravated. Like, she's like, you're actually asleep, go back to bed. I'm like, alright, I'm sorry. Because then I actually, like, will push back. I'll be like, no, I'm not. And I'm like, yes, you are, dude. Yes, you are. Because it's bad. I always heard it's bad to wake

people up when they're sleepwalking. I don't know if that's the case. Better to wake them up than let them do whatever I did and ruin my life. You know, wake them up. And if I like to let them fall down the stairs. Exactly. Like just if I punch you, you have no problems, dude. This guy is waking up and injuring himself.

And you're like, this lady that is in love with me is also I'm in love with her. What's the problem? Yeah, no, we are the perfect juxtaposition. And he's a Patriots fan, so he just wins everything. I know. You know what he tells me? He's like, it's so hard for me because sometimes we've lost the Super Bowl, and that's hard.

How about you drop dead? This is when I wish he will sleepwalk over to your apartment and beat you. Murder you in cold blood. And my argument makes perfect sense. Every time I've made this argument, I pat myself on the back and say, John, you're a smart boy. The fact that you had to preface it with this argument makes perfect sense. This argument I'm about to say is really good.

This will not make sense. It will. It makes perfect sense. I'm about to tell a really funny joke. Now this is going to be funny. You guys are laughing at this joke. So Kevin's teams always suck every single year. They're just bad.

They're never going to be good. There's no reason to talk about his relationship. He went right into, there's no reason to get excited ever. You're just, you just can't have a good team. My team, we get right there. And then that pain hurts more because we climbed the mountain.

We, and the, we fell down after we got right there, and then that pain hurts more because we climb the mountain, and the Sisyphus, we fell down after. We got right there and fell down. It's like you can't have babies, and you just can't get pregnant ever, and you accept that part of your life. Oh, boy. I keep trying, and I have a miscarriage. We're going to miscarriages. Okay. All right.

Okay. All right, so you have miscarriages, but how many have been born? Yeah. A lot, but miscarriages are okay many have been born yeah a lot but eight but still i've had like 10 or 11 in 13 years but there was like two that didn't work out people in boston right now going like the guy yep i know what he's talking about truth man yeah you have a real burden when you expect to win the Super Bowl every year. Life's hard. Super Bowl. World Series.

NBA Championships. I hope when you were sitting next to that driver in a legal Uber, you were like, here's the thing. The Patriots should win every year, right? But they don't, and that hurts. I hate you so much. That's the – it's a terrible argument. And now I hope it doesn't work out. You don't mean that. In your heart, you don't mean that.

You hope they work out. Oh, no. I definitely mean it talking to a Patriots fan. My man. That's what's up. I like that. Absolutely not. And she clearly,

she speaks, she's obviously fluent in Spanish. Is she from Colombia? No, Salvador. All right. So, what's the problem?

Why? Well, I think one of the problems is that she lives in Colombia. And probably just doesn't like me. Now, that might be a hurdle.

I'm just looking for stuff to hit you with. Can you grab me that bottle of vodka? The Tito's Handmade Vodka. There you go. She probably doesn't like me. I know she invited me down to Columbia, and she's coming here this week, but she probably doesn't like me. You do need counseling.

Also, sometimes I don't win the Super Bowl. I fucking hate this guy. You are. I can see why you're good friends. Yeah. You have no problems No he doesn't I really don't I really don't have any problems

Sometimes we do a segment called Adolescent to Adolescent It's clever It rhymes That's good And we just compare weekends And they're always just So staggeringly different

It makes me How often he's like Well I went to brunch And he's just like Fuck you You know what It's not even that It's more like

What'd you do Nothing Just like on the couch for like 60 hours. And I just like Netflix this. I watched the Joel McHale show with Joel McHale. I did whatever I wanted. And I was like, oh, that's cool. Yeah, 12 to 5 Sunday.

And then you said, well, I was up at 5. I was at gymnastics. Yeah, I'm up at 5 every day. And I feed this one. I take this one to gymnastics. I run around with these people. And then we come back. We got to see the family here.

We got to do that. And he's like, yeah, no, I just did nothing. If it's any consolation at all, you're going to live longer technically. Married people with children live longer. I find that hard to believe. But maybe. Good. He's already given up on life.

It's fine. I mean, you know, we're probably not going to win the Super Bowl next year. Life's not even worth living. No, I'm fine. I'll kick out early. I'll give you some extra years if I could transfer him over to you if it's like a singular mobile rollover. He says this often enough

that I'm almost... Yeah, I need, not really for him, for myself. I want to protect myself. I don't want to be calling to court like, you knew this was going to happen. Why didn't you do anything? I don't want to be an accomplice to suicide if that's even a thing because that's how I feel right now. I need to lawyer up to be like called into court like you knew this was going to happen why did you do anything I don't want to be like an accomplice to suicide if that's even a thing because that's how I feel

right now so I need to like lawyer up and be like when this guy kills himself I don't want to be dragged into it at all I just like to scare Kevin I like to keep him

on his toes that's all what? that wasn't English I like to keep him on his toes oh alright look just go get

a little counseling don't go to the person that says cry now worst therapist ever but you're in love Look, just go get a little counseling Don't go to the person that says Cry now Cry, you little pussy But you're in love And go get this gal You love her Had to go see about a girl

Yeah, tell her to move here for a while Okay Unless she's like a Baroness or something She's part of the royal family of Columbia Or something like that Then you should definitely quit this job She is

She's super rich, isn't she? Dude. Fucking A. I wasn't going to say it if he didn't want to. That's unbelievable. Are you out of your mind, dude? This beautiful, rich, exotic woman. You can do this job from there.

Or just not even do this job. It would bring a whole other component to be like, well, here's the soccer report. You do love the beautiful game. I do love the big, pretty game. The next time I ever come back, which I'll never. See you never, Joel.

I'll be back next week. But if you're not on a knee asking this woman to marry you, then definitely transfer years over to him. If you can find a magic spell or a... I can assure you that won't be happening. ...a Zoltar machine from Big. Get it. It's the Joel McHale show with Joel McHale. Yeah.

Netflix, 1205. Deal, man. I think Joe Manganiello's coming on this week. Oh. That's... He's married to Sofia Vergara. He is obnoxiously... I wonder who has more money.

Your baroness? A baroness or Sofia Vergara. Your exotic, beautiful, rich woman? Or the other beautiful, exotic, rich woman? He knows exactly that it's his lady. So he's, again, look at him just staring off into the distance. Are you going anywhere else? I'm trying to go into my own body right now.

It's not working. No wonder she's in love with you. She's like, what do I have to do to get this slightly depressed American guy to marry me? I like your Mike Tyson hat, though. Thanks, it's Kanye West.

It's close. That was racist. Just like, I'm just going to pick a black guy and say it. But it looks like from the old Nintendo punch out. You can see that. All right. Yeah, all right. I like that Kanye West.

Check out the Joel McHale show with Joel McHale. Do you watch reality TV nonstop? No, I can't. You don't. It's too hard. Make the jokes. Talk about depression. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you watch any? I'll watch stuff. I watch a lot of travel shows and a lot of like how do you do a show but not the trash stuff it's hard for me to watch even though I do follow it, The Bachelor it does great

and it is the secret passion of every single American to watch that show backwards and forwards every week when it's on so I kind of keep up with that that's the one you keep up with right? like a couple years ago I thought it was more entertaining. It's very slick, and Chris Harris is great. He's a very good host, but those people are all disturbed,

and they all need real help. But then what's amazing is how America buys into it. They're like, yes. Can you believe he dumped her? It's like, yeah, man. They've known each other for four days. Give me a break. Two months.

Two months. Could you imagine when they're crying, they're sobbing, like, I thought I was the one. I guess I was just the last 11th.

I'm like, what is wrong with you? Isn't that like good acting though? Are people actually that crazy? I think those people are crazy. I think there's always

a couple actors, but I think most people are just crazy. Yeah. Most people are crazy. And think there's always a couple actors, but I think most people are just crazy. Yeah. Most people are crazy. And if you were to start dating someone and they put the,

like when they put out they're like, oh, what do you do? Well, I was on The Bachelor. You're like, all right, well, great. See ya. I'll buy the drinks

but I didn't even order dinner. It's fine. We won't even get that far. Yeah, so I watched some, but thank God for the staff. They are incredible. the staff they are incredible and the writers are incredible the soup days

to now I mean you guys you got clips of absolutely everything it used to be that we did I did have to watch everything and I had a newborn

and my wife I had Eddie where I'm like I'm just gonna watch makeover home edition one more time and it was

yeah that got to be I was I cannot believe I have to go home and watch Sixth Hour of Reality. That's when you start seeing people on the highways. Yeah. I also got dizzy during that time. I began to get dizzy spells that would not go away. Jesus Christ. I would just be in a constant state of dizziness, and I would get in my car.

You probably shouldn't have done that. Subaru, help me out here. Here we go. Jesus, take the wheel. Yeah. Hug the guardrail. Let it go. I looked forward to out here. Here we go. Jesus, take the wheel. I looked forward to traffic because we were going slow. Jesus, man. Those were the days. You built a nice career out of doing it, so it was worth it.

Yeah, you tell me. Oh, yes. I'm very happy. Look where I am. Hey, you've made it. Sitting with two fucking depressed idiots. Look at this amazing well-signed studio. Yeah. So well idiots. Look at this amazing... Look at the fuzz on the wall. So well done. Look at that.

Oh, yeah. I mean, this should have been framed. Definitely. A lot of cool stuff here. This feels like... It's almost the stuff in your attic that your parents told you if you touch it, you're going to get cancer and die. Yeah, I think it actually is.

I'm bleeding. Okay, yeah, I'm bleeding. All right, great. Nice. Did he come by? I don it actually is. I'm bleeding. Okay, yeah, I'm bleeding. All right, great. Nice. Did he come by? I don't think so. All right.

There's really no rhyme or reason to any of this. Lenny Dykstra. He's a stand-up guy. A whole bowl of champagne. And we'll get back. We won't talk about him. He's in jail, right? No, he's out. Oh, that's great.

Was in jail for a long time. Probably will end up there again. But technically, free man right now. Scary guy. Scary guy. Scary guy. Yeah. Came by the office here once, and I was like a little uncomfortable. Yeah.

I don't know what's going to happen right now. As uncomfortable as he's been for most of the interview? Probably not. I don't think there's ever been a more uncomfortable interview. You better marry her, dude. You love her. She's beautiful. Just when you thought that storyline was over.

John's like, end the interview. End the goddamn interview. So the Joel McHale show with Joel McHale. It's on Netflix every Sunday night. So it's a lot like the soup, but nothing like it. Yeah, no, exactly. I get to say fuck now. Nice.

That's a big deal, though. That sucks not being able to spoil it. We have to do a video Thursday night where there's no F words allowed or no sexual innuendo. And we're like, how the fuck are we going to do this? Why should I even come? Get it? I won't. Sexual innuendo. And we're like, how the fuck are we going to do this? Why should I even come? Get it? I won't. Sexual innuendo.

Why should I even come? C-O-M-E. Fuck. Well, we appreciate you coming by, man. Thank you for having me, you guys. Thanks for the intervention, the therapy session, a couple jokes. I think it worked. I think it was a hell of a trip.

A lot of hard truths there. Yeah. But we'll figure it out. These are all good, happy truths. This is good news. The Joel McHale Show with Joel McHale. Imagine how successful you could be down in Bogota as, like, the Boston sports guy. You'd be huge.

All right. Good night. Thanks. Joel McHale. That therapy session with Joel McHale was brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. Mother's Day is coming up. So you know how this works. Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, all these holidays, I tell you the same thing every time, every year.

Stop right now. Literally, you can press stop on this podcast and go order the flowers because you know you have to do it. You know you got to get them for your mom. You know you got to get them for your grandma, for your wife, whoever, all the moms in your life. You're going to have to get them flowers. So just do it right now and do it from 1-800-Flowers.com. You can get 36. They have a new offer called 36 for 36.

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It's crazy. I went to get a candy bar from the bodega beneath our building, which is really a bodega. It's like a closet. It's like I don't even like to buy bags of chips in there. They don't even sell dip there. It's so frustrating. So I figured if they have anything, they have candy bars. They had Kit Kat and Snickers.

That was it. I mean, Kit Kat's all good in my book, but I was like, you know, usually I have the whole fucking the whole like drawer, the whole shelves, you know? Nothing. But I had $2. I thought I was going to get two Kit Kats. No, I got one. It was $1.75 for a Kit Kat.

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Yeah, oh yeah. Get it for me. Send me flowers. It's Mother's Day, but also send them to my podcaster who's a single male who just wants pretty flowers. Yes, I do want pretty flowers. So actually get them for your mom and for John. Hey John, what's 36 times 2? 72.

Yeah buddy. I'm pretty fucking good at math. No, you're really bad at math. $72, you can get your mom, make her happy and keep Johnny Blossoms happy and keep Keith happy too because he's getting the, he's like you know, these downwind of the flowers.

So he gets some of that shine too. The offer expires on Friday. So you have to do it right now this week to get the 36 for 36 deal. Go to 1-800-Flowers.com. Click the radio icon and enter KFC. It's 1-800-Flowers.com. Click the icon, code KFC. 36 for 36. The offer ends Friday. John.

That was one of the most awkward things and hilarious things I've ever been a part of. Yeah. And bizarre. And impressive. It was very. I don't know how he did it. Let's focus on that. It was impressive.

I don't know how he did that. He was saying things that only I would know. You know what I mean? Like, only you've told me things off the record that I could not believe he was reading you that well. As we were getting off the air and walking out of the studio, I was like, you're like one of those people at the carnival who just guesses ways. I'll guess your weight, too. He did not. I'm sneaky heavy.

It would have been hard for him to guess my weight. What are you at these days? Like 220? I was going to guess about 217, yeah. 217. I was going to guess like 217.4 pounds. I'm not as sneaky heavy as Trent, but the – Trent was the sneakiest of heavy.

Now he's not. Trent said he was like 265, whatever he was. That was bananas. I was like, pounds? What? Like American pounds? What's going on here? Joel, after the interview, went down to the merch room.

You were shopping it up in there with him. You were like a Gap lady. Let me tell you why. I felt super awkward. He was like, can I just get a shirt that says like Barstool Sports? And I was like, no, you cannot. We have so many dumb fucking shirts here. Great shirts.

Do you want? Yeah, no, dumb great shirts. It's like, do you want? He was like, Tuca Rask is good. I was like, you're goddamn right he is. Did you ever hear about how in 2013 how he performed better than Tom Thomas in 2011? Luckily I wasn't in the room for that. Oh, boy.

Joel would have never left. Like, sit down. I'm going to teach you something. He was like, Goodell and this and Patriots that. He's like, I just want a shirt that says Barstool Sports. I was like, well, I don't know what to tell you, Joel. Joel also loved my shoes. Yeah, you were wearing the Witherspoons, right?

Yeah. He was like, I'm going to have to get those. I wanted to somehow be like, I'll get them for you. Let's just come back, Joel. Come back again because we need you back in here psychoanalyzing the gang. I think Joel thought I was very cool. I like to think that. I don't think he thought either of us were cool.

Well, he said when he said that, he's like, look, you even have cool shoes. He did say that, and that actually gave me pause. I was kind of like, oh, that means he's been thinking highly of us the whole time. But he did not behave that way when he was sitting in between us. Just fucking put us in such a box. I was like, God, I'm the most generic loser in the world. I am just following the footsteps of every normal, lame-ass white man. I was like, Jesus Christ, Joel.

Can you just throw me a bone and pretend that I did something cool? At least you were going to Columbia and stuff. Mine was just like, yeah. Yeah, two kids. It was the suburbs. That's it. Great. Real fucking original, man.

Should we get into some voicemails? I love doing voicemails. There's nothing better. The only thing better is taking OMAX. OMAX. Oh, yeah. Whether you're an athlete, a student, you're a busy parent like me,

you're a gamer like Smitty, working professional, sort of like John. I don't call you professional. You're working. I'm not professional. Definitely not. I don't even know if you're really working either. You're just here. I'm barely working.

I gave myself the fine work award. We did like on Spin Zone RIP. We did the Dundies before the Barstool Awards. You're fine. And she was like, who would you give fine work to? I was like, oh, me. She's like, well, that's a little cocky.

I was like, oh, no. It's not. It's fine. Fine. I do fine. It's not like, oh, she's fine. It's like, fine. Yeah. I do fine. Yeah. It's not like, oh, she's fine. Yeah.

I do nothing exceptional. Something called the bare minimum. But if you got the Omax cognitive boost, you might be able to go through the roof. See, John, you are one of those people where they say like the human mind only accesses like 10% of its capability. Oh, I take these. You only access like 8%. How long have you been taking them? Because we need to boost you up.

I forgot what it was called. But yeah, they sent us these. I take them every day. Daily supplement that can increase your brain power, productivity, improving memory, focus, and concentration. Hang on, I haven't taken them today. I'm going to run out and grab them. Go get them. No caffeine, so you don't have any jitters.

And it combines alpha and omega, which makes your neurons fire more rapidly. That's what we need. Neurons firing. That's what we need. Neurons firing. That's what improves your mind and body connection. Fights takes him. Look at him. He's running out of the studio to go get some. He's amped up for the summer.

He's thinking of new Saturdays for the boy shirts. He's going to Columbia and jet setting and whining and dining. He's here on the podcast five days a week doing me making jokes, playing funny jokes. Let's pop these right now. Give me some of this right now. These are like dark purple. I feel like I'm about to join them. I feel like I'm about to go in the Matrix.

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First voicemail, what do we got? Quick hypothetical for you. Everything else in your life stays the same. Would you rather be two feet taller or one foot shorter? Two feet taller, one foot shorter.

I'm pretty much, no matter what you're going to put in front of me, I'm not going a foot shorter. Because as we've discussed many times, short guys should kill themselves. Yes. Their lives absolutely stink. So we would be 8 feet and 8 foot 1. 8-2.

8 foot 1, John. They didn't say 2 feet 1 inch. They said 2 feet. Depends on the shoes I'm wearing. I would be 8 feet. You would be eight foot one. That is horrible, but it's not

like there have been people who are eight feet tall before. You wouldn't be the first ever. They're freaks. There's only a couple of them, and they died at the age of like 20, but they've existed. There have been people who are five feet tall also. Yeah, but their lives suck. I'm saying I wouldn't mind being, like I would be a freak, but I wouldn't be like 13 feet tall where it's like you literally can't even function in society now.

It's going to suck being eight feet tall, but it's happened before. I'm not going to be five feet tall. You are a midget then. I don't know. You're going to be five feet. I might because here's the deal. Like I. Well, also, you know what that means? You'd have to kill yourself because you've said before you would kill yourself. Or maybe here's the deal. Like, I... Well, also, you know what that means?

You'd have to kill yourself because you've said before you would kill yourself. Or maybe that's just me. I've said it a lot of times. I made a lot of promises. That's true. John breaks his suicide packs a lot. The thing with this is I've worked with Tall Guy. And Tall Guy was like...

He was 6'10". Yeah. And he was very difficult to be around. Like awkwardly big. Yeah. He like, like forget about how awkward it is for him. It's awkward for you to just be near.

His presence was frustrating. Yeah. Your presence offends me. And look, I like talking, but like it was tough to just to be around him. Yeah. It was like,

and so imagine a foot and two inches taller than that. And he's just, and like him. Yeah. It was like, and so imagine, uh, a foot and two inches taller than that. And he's just, and like, Jesus, he's just like his whole life. I mean, he was what? 20.

He was probably early twenties. And it was like, he was still learning to walk. He was like a giraffe. Like he just, his body didn't fit the world. Yeah. And it was,

you could tell it was tough for him too, where he was annoyed. And it was like, I love how you're him too where he was annoyed and it was like i love how you're like talking about this six foot ten man being like how hard it is for you and don't get me wrong it was a little difficult for him as well but it was really rough for me but it was like like dealing with all the basketball questions all the time like why don't you play basketball why don't you play basketball right i'm not talented i'm not good at basketball he did make that one video though he would never been able to make the the fake i was drafted the nba video that was a funny

video and it went super viral so hey hey man maybe the rest of your entire life is inconvenient tall guy but uh you know deal with it because you had a viral video but like like joel mckell said you know you're a little peter dinklage going yeah but i would also argue the opposite like you can go do some shit if you're 8 feet tall you can you go be the giant in Game of Thrones yeah and either way you're a freak I'm looking at Zah right now as we're talking about this by the way

either way you're a freak and I would rather be I was watching Andre the Giant the documentary and they were like you know girls wanted to fuck him cause you they wanted to just get a piece of this freak of nature

you want to know why actually I'm going to go tall now but you want to know why why sometimes when we record it gets hot in here and so we leave the door open uh huh

and sometimes I will see Zah just go like running by uh huh and I'm always like oh he's scurrying

you don't want to scurry I don't think I want scurry to ever be a word used with me. It's amazing you said that because I just didn't want to interrupt you. I've been practicing not interrupting people. I was about to say, oh, you see Zha scurry by.

I was about to say the word scurry. So you don't want to be a scurrier. Can we get Zha in here to answer this real quick? Yeah, yeah, that's great. He's probably working right now, but like, whatever. Come on in, Zha. He's definitely working.

Yeah. We'll have to get his answer. Come here. Don't worry about whatever it is you're doing. That show doesn't matter. Come on in here. This will be the answer. Because we'll ask him, would you rather stay this size or be eight feet tall?

We got a question real quick. I know you're working. The question is for us. Would you rather be two feet taller or one foot shorter? So we would be eight feet versus five feet. Would you rather stay your size or be eight feet tall? I would eight feet tall. Yes.

I'd rather stay my size. Yeah. I'm used to life. You are what? Four or five. Four or five. So you would actually gain. You'd be a little bit taller.

A lot. Three feet. That's a lot. But eight feet is just too much. Yeah, you'd gain a lot. 3 feet. That's a lot. So you'd rather... And 8 feet is just too much for you? 8 feet is too much. 8 feet. I mean...

I mean, there's your answer then. I mean, I said I would rather be 8. At 4'5", at least you can kind of hide. 8 feet, you're just... I mean, I'm out there at 4'5", but at 8 feet, I'm out there. That's a great point. Everyone just sees you. I'd rather be in the...

You can't blend in ever again. Yeah, not at all. Okay. Well, there's your answer. Zah, thank you, sir'd rather be in it. You can't blend in ever again. Yeah, not at all. Okay. Well, there's your answer. Zah, thank you, sir. Get back to work. I mean, I guess that kind of puts it in perspective because I don't think of Zah as like that short. I actually don't either.

I think it's because he's brolic as fuck. Yeah. You're not brolic. Oh, yeah. Wow. Okay. But, I mean, you'd actually get, what, seven inches more. Yeah.

So – His jaw is so – I mean, his shoulder, he looks like he's wearing NFL shoulder pads. It's incredible. All the time. We got a good old-fashioned would-you-rather-gun-to-your-head style. And it's gross. What's up, KFC?

So for today's voice, I got a little bit of a hypothetical for you. So it's a little strange, but just roll with it. So the situation is, let's say that there's an 85-year-old man who, for some reason, really wants to shit in your ear. What? And the question is, is once a day, this man is going to come and try to shit in your ear. And you are able to fight him off. Or the other option is he comes once every 10 years. You have no idea which day in that 10-year span it's going to be, and when he does, you try to come shit in your ear.

You're just frozen. So which one would you rather? All right, gun to your head, shit in your ear. This is such an easy question for me. I'll recap for you because you weren't listening. I was listening. Every day you can fight them off. Every day you can fight them off.

Or once every 10 years. And you just have to let shit in your ear. I was listening. I mean, am I wrong to assume that sometimes you don't listen? We've been doing this for six years. I've been much better. You have been? Yeah.

You have been. I've been really good at it. The first like four years, it was like, I don't even know why I play these things out loud. My answer is so easy. Like, I know exactly what I i'm doing i'm letting a guy shit in my ear once every 10 years thousand percent i may be dead in 10 years if we start a fight every single day i i would maybe if he comes in the morning gets me out of bed the ultimate alarm clock yeah like you know how yp set up all the porn browsers to get him out of bed? You have someone who shits in your ears. Fucking YP.

By the way, the Seth Rogen episode, officially the largest episode in the history of KFC Radio. That's called the YP episode in my brain. To me, all those downloads are people who want to know about YP and his nut belly. I'm so bad at getting up in the morning. You are terrible. It's incredible how bad I am. It's crazy. And if some dude threatened to poop my ear, would probably i'd probably get out of bed maybe

you would like you would maybe get you get going like a little bit early if it was like before 11 you'd probably still be like i don't just shit my ear bro just shit my ear just be quiet about it but i mean 10 years like if we start today right now in 10 years someone's gonna shit your ear back okay i'll see you then like we'll figure that out when 10 years comes around i i yeah like 10 10 and it's one of those things when it comes up like god damn it i can't believe i agreed to this but go ahead yeah but like future you will deal with that it's like it's a bird in the hand sort of thing it's like if i can have nobody shitting in my ear for the next every single day for 10 years we're good I just don't want to fight.

Oh, yeah. I mean, forget about this shit. Like anything where I have to fight someone every single day for 10 years. You know what? Maybe I'm taking that. I'll be in good shape. You are. You're also.

I'm fighting every goddamn day. I was going to say, if I were you, I would take the fighting because you would win. I'd fight. If I were you, I'd be confident that I could beat this shitter up all the time. Like, all right, you shitter, bring it. And you know what? After a while, he's going to stop coming around because he keeps getting his ass kicked every day.

That's a good point. Right? It's like, can you break? Let me ask you this. I need to know about the spirit of the ear shitter. Does he have an indomitable spirit or can I break him and have him give up? There was one kid in middle school who used to fight every single day. And he got his ass kicked every single day.

And I respected the hell out of that kid. He just kept going back for more? Every single day. He was just waiting there to fight. Did he pick a fight? Yeah, the same kid. And every day he was just there like, I'm going to win this time. And he got his ass kicked and he got thrown down a hill.

I don't think I respect that guy. I think he's an asshole. I loved it. I was like, first of all, it was entertaining. Second of all, he had the passion to be like, look, I'm going to fight every single day. And I can respect that. And I think maybe it's something I look up to. And I'll do it now.

He has to come in the morning because he has to get me out of bed. Right. And I'll fight him in my room every single morning. And does he have to be like a certain height or weight? What if he's just huge and kicks your ass every day and then shits in your ear that's a good point cause that's the other thing is that

you get the chance to fight him off but if you don't win the fight you get shit on and you have to fight it's a double whammy and then he comes back tomorrow for more

and if you didn't beat him up once you're probably not gonna beat him up again my size max and then but then say you keep losing a reason to get in the gym anyway

the ultimate motivation is shit in your ear I need to beat this guy up I need to stop having poop in my ears. Right. If I'd be like, yo, John, fuck the gym. Just come out. Just come out for another beer.

Like, no, dude, I don't want to get shit in my ear tomorrow. I have to go to the gym. I don't have to pay his bills either. Like when I travel, right? I don't have to pay for him. No, you don't have to pay his bills. All right. There's no stipend.

I don't want a baby. He just poops all the time and I have to pay for it. No, thank you. What's up, KFC? Fight. Super producer, BC. The God. So anyway, kind of a bizarre situation happened at work today.

This guy comes back. So today's Wednesday. He comes in and makes an announcement in front of the entire office that he changed his last name as an anniversary present to his wife. So he's now going by his wife's maiden name. To the point where he's changing it on his work email. People that call him by the last name He's correcting them And it just seems like That's a move I mean I don't know if it's a move I'm going to pull

But it's a move that is going to be You know Everybody kind of does the same sort of things Gives the same sort of gifts This is above and beyond He changed his name for his wife Yeah to her name I mean that's a great move I might steal it I don't give a fuck about my name above and beyond. He changed his name for his wife? Yeah, to her name.

I mean, that's a great one. I might steal it. I don't give a fuck about my name. The ultimate beta name. Who gives a shit about a name? I would have to start officially calling you

John, though. You call me John most times, don't you? 50-50. But a lot of people call you Feidelberg. Yeah, that's true. Your whole existence

is because of that last name, bro. Yeah, it's the only reason I got a job. Yeah. The only reason you hired me is because my last name is Feidelberg. You thought I was Jewish. John Henry Steinberg. O'Neal.

John Henry O'Neal. I mean, if you can find a woman and change her name to that, that's awesome. Do that. John Henry O'Neal is a great name. That's my mom's name. Well, that's a little weird because we're talking about, you know, marrying someone and changing your name to that, and you just picked your mom there.

It was some Oedipus shit, but whatever. I mean, it's like if I'm picking, like, a little weird because we're talking about, you know, marrying someone, changing your name to that, and you just picked your mom there. This is some Oedipus shit, but whatever. I mean, it's like if I'm picking like a last name, I would think the other last name that makes me. Well, but it's your wife's name. Yeah, I know, but it's like currently I don't have a wife. I just wanted to make sure on the same page here. You're not doing it to your mom's maiden name. You're doing it to your wife's maiden name. But no, I always thought that as a kid.

Actually, I've talked about this before how like I didn't know I was like supposed to be jewish like i just didn't know jews yeah it's because you grew up like i've lived a real blessed life i was gonna say you grew up in in in the uh like you grew up in the one bloodline to rule them all sort of thing you grew up in the aryan nation it was like i i didn't know a jewish person until i started at barstool i'd never like met or talked to a jewish person and so I never had any idea it was supposed to be Jewish. And as a kid, when I played hockey, my last name was on my back. I thought it sounded Russian. So I was like, oh, people think I'm really good.

Ah, yeah, I'm fucking nasty at hockey. From the KHL over here, baby. It's actually Latvian. They were like, shut up, Jew. Get off the ice, you Jew. But other times when I wasn't playing hockey, I'd'd be like I wish I had my mom's last name because it was just so tough to say my name is really hard to say

so like teachers when they're doing attendance spelling it, pronouncing it they always make jokes about it I'm not even trying this one I mean you were Fidelberg forever with Dave but nobody fucks up O'Neal no O'Neal is very easy but it's not really about the name

it's about the connotation of it all you're the ultimate beta cuck you big time beta cuck if I'm marrying a woman right I want to please her I like her so I'm fine ladies you heard it here first Mr. Romantic

himself is gonna change his last name for you. If she wants to. If she wants my name, she can have my name. I don't fucking care. I'm telling you, most girls, listen, changing your name is a bitch. You got to fucking do all this paperwork and mail it in and all this. You got to change your Twitter.

You got to change your Twitter. You got to change your email. You got to change it all. Twitter's a whole thing. It'll be O'Neal Barstool. Oh, yeah. That'll work. So, I mean, there's a lot to consider here it just it's we live a blessed life that the guys just like don't have to worry about it I mean

it's one of those things where it's just like I don't care what other people think about me I just want the people who I like to like me you are a wonderful man you are a specimen like like if like my people are calling into radio shows radio shows, it's tough to email them now. I'm like, I don't give a fuck about you. My wife's happy. That's true love, baby. I will say, just knowing you, though, the laziness will come into effect.

Oh, she has to do it. She has to do it. She'll have to take care of all the work, and you just run around being like, I'm John O'Neill. My mom will do it for me, probably. Again, John O'Neill. My mom's my executive assistant. She calls herself that. She does everything for me probably again john o'neill my my mom's my executive assistant she calls herself that she does like everything i love it i could not exist without my mom not not just because she

gave birth to me but just like everything she does for me i'm still a child like i just got a credit card for the first time my mom applied for it for me like she she knows my signature so she can sign things my mom basically has my power of attorney and like but will she pull the plug i think you need to sign that over to me because i know you want to die listen now she knows probably listen but will she do in the time she'll probably pull the plug just so she has to stop doing shit for me like she's gonna put the pillow forget about the plug put the pillow over your face. I was home this weekend, and I just got a merch bonus. Hey, let's go.

She came up to get it for me. I give her my cash because she has a bank account that I don't have access to. And she's so sweet. She sends me the receipts to show that she put it in. You trust me? I'm like, Mom, I trust you. I know you're not stealing from me. What a woman.

What a woman. What a woman that Polly is. All right, last question of the day is brought to you by MVMT Sunglasses. I was rocking my MVMT shades today because, to me, it's above 60 degrees, which means it's now sunglass weather. It's always sunglass weather. No, no, it's got to be warm. It's got to be warm enough.

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shipping and free returns. They revolutionized the watch industry. Now, check out their sunglasses. MVMT.com slash KFC. The question was tweeted to us, John. It was something, it was a would you rather involving your own worst enemy? Question was, it was tweeted to us, would you rather involving your own worst enemy?

Question was, it was tweeted to us, would you rather? Would you rather get, you get $10 million, but your sworn enemy gets double that. Now, you immediately told me that there's only one correct answer for this. It was actually because this was on Reddit. I saw the top Reddit answer. And you say there's just nothing that can top this answer. It was, I get $30 million. Awesome.

It's no surprise to me. I am my own worst enemy. And, like, that's true. That is so true for you. I don't have a sworn enemy. Like, everybody else has a joke. But for John, it's like, this is like some magical genie. And it's like, whoever in your heart you hate the most will get 20 million dollars your bank account that your mom controls for you

boom 30 million dollars i like i i sometimes i feel like i'm like overdoing it with how much i say it but like there's genuinely no one i dislike as much as me if you got hate in your heart let it out it just happens to be for you there's absolutely nobody i'm trying to think of someone there really isn't anybody who get who would like i i i mean what about dave you hate yourself more than dave yeah definitely wow i don't hate anybody more than dave it's it's it's i mean dave's number two but it's it's not even close i was gonna say like dave's number two but it's a runaway me winning it there's there's just like i i really it's it's not even close. I was going to say. Dave's number two, but it's a runaway me winning it. There's just like. So wait, it's.

Just for the sake of the question. One fights two Dave. I just flip flop. You're the two most hated people. One Dave to you. The, I guess maybe like. I don't know, Daniel Day-Lewis, but he doesn't need the money. Fuck that guy.

The, like, I hate doesn't need the money. Fuck that guy. I hate cyclists as a whole. Yeah, the problem is that the only way this really affects you is if you have a Dave situation, but I'm already kind of living that, where that $20 million needs to affect you on a daily basis. Not many people have a true arch nemesis. You hate your boss, you hate some coworker, but to have enough hate in your heart and to see that person on an everyday basis,

I'm assuming that's what's going to happen for most people in this hypothetical. Someone you work with and see every day is going to make $20 million. That's the difference maker. Because if your arch enemy is like, I don't know, someone you hated from like high school,

it's like, who cares? Like that person, you never see them. It's going to have to end up being someone that you really, really hate the most. And you see them in your everyday life. Yeah, there's definitely no one there. So for me, it's Dave.

But like Dave is already doing that. I already get to watch him flaunt his money in my face, except I just don't have any money. So all of a sudden I had $10 million and he just had that much more. It's like, all right, well, Dave's already being a flossing douchechebag now i just get to floss a little bit too because i got 10 million dollars now let's say we're regular people and and it is someone in the office do you do it i think no matter what you gotta take 10 million dollars like like you know what i have 10 million dollars i don't care about that i was gonna say they're my enemy because I'm broke and struggling. Now I have $10 million.

I don't hate anyone. I love everybody. I don't understand how celebrities get infused. Celebrity feud. What do you mean? You're both rich. Right. What are you feuding about? What could possibly be so wrong that you just not having to do anything but go to the beach

and hang out today, you're still angry at the end of the day? Would you quit if you had $10 million? I don't know if that's enough to like i think shut it down for life i think it's enough to shut down for life but like yeah i don't think it would you just do something continue this place would be really fun if we didn't like need to do it you know you just came and go it came and went as you pleased it would be a blast it's the fact that i have to be here that makes me want to kill me my dad always said that as a kid and i thought it was like so cool when my dad would always be like,

it's like people always talk about what they win lottery. They'd quit their job. I wouldn't. And I was like, that's awesome. Like you. Yeah. But then you realize that it's just that your dad wanted to get the fuck out

of the house and get away from you. Sons of bitches. Oh, we always joke that he, if it wasn't for like financial ties, he wouldn't, we wouldn't be around. No.

Yeah. He just, he like, I love how you like, we're afraid to say that by the way, the picture of you and Mr. Feidelberg. Oh, yeah. We crushed it.

Ladies, check out Feidelberg's Instagram. This picture will make you soaking wet. All right. That's it for today. We'll catch you guys tomorrow for a quickie full-length episode on Thursday. We're out.