KFC Radio - KFCradio: Josh Wolf

Episode Date: May 8, 2018

KFC and Feits answer voicemails about bunk beds, the positives of anal sex, teleporting and Bigfoot. Also Kmarko vs Find Evil, and Nate's ulcer. Afterward, Josh Wolf chats with KFC about cursing children with terrible sports fandom and his new show, Controlled Chaos.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Another edition of KFC Radio. It's Clancy, it's fights, and it's almost Mother's Day. Let's be real. If your Mother's Day gift consists of, like, a text message, and that's it, well, then you don't love your mother, and she probably won't love you back. Moms deserve more than just emojis, so do it this year. Do it right this year and celebrate your mother with a special limited time offer from 1-800-Flowers.com.

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Promo code KFC. Go get some nice flowers. You know who I'm getting flowers from, don't you? I don't even know if I'm going to get them from my own mother. I'm surprising my mom. I'm surprising my mom man, aren't you? I don't even know if I'm going to get them for my own mother. I'm surprising my mom. I'm surprising my mom for Mother's Day. John's decided he's going to do KFC Radio in a southern accent. Not sure why.

This is all because you love this fucking yodeling kid? Mason Ramsey, man. He's making some good music right now. I fucking hate Mason Ramsey so much. Mason Ramsey is funny. He's a talented young man. He out there doing the yodel kid. Now he a country boy. Now he's famous.

Now he's signing people's foreheads. Did you see that? I'm gonna be famous for loving you. I don't think that's how it goes. I don't think that's the beat right. Beat right. Not only am I talking about Southern Ass, I'm gonna talk about an idiot too. Like an idiot. Go hand in hand. Yo, when he signed that kid's forehead, I wanted to chop that kid's head off.

I wanted to chop both their heads off, then chop my own head off and just put an end to humanity. The Yodel Kid giving autographs on fucking heads. Hey, man, he's a superstar. Apparently he is, man. I'm not going to knock him. I'm not going to hate him. Superstars are superstars. Look at this little kid right here, man.

Hit guitar bigger than him, man. You've also become basically the dude from King of the Hill where he always finishes out like, hey, man, man, man, man, man, man. The man's the way to do it, man. When I was down in Nashville this weekend. That's right. We did a little dad-a-lesson, add-a-lesson this weekend. I got a cab ride from the airport to the Airbnb I was staying at,

and, man, that guy didn't even speak English. It was crazy listening to this dude talk to me. He's talking to me about half hour. Just talked my ear off about antique cars, just going on and on about how they rip, man, they burn rubber, he said. It's like, what are you talking about, son? You know, when you go

down south like that, man, and not like Nashville's not even like down south, you know, but it's a different world. You run into these creatures like you're from a different country. Yeah, it was crazy. It was crazy, man. So we said that this year's, this weekend's Dadaless and Adolescent had potential to be the worst ever.

Dadaless and Adolescent is everybody's favorite running segment, except for me. It's my least favorite running segment of all time, where we compare the weekend that Feidelberg had as a man baby, as an adolescent, and the weekend that I had as a dad, a dad-a-lesson. And we knew going into it, it was going to be stark contrast because Fights was going to a bachelor party in Nashville on Broadway with the Predators playing, with Mike Vrabel hitting him up to come hang with the Titans. Beautiful weather.

The whole nine. I, on the other hand, was going to a funeral. Shout out to Uncle Billy. He kicked the bucket, RIP and peace. And so I was going to be at a funeral. I don't know why I laughed at that. What?

I don't know why I laughed at that. It was pretty rude. It was pretty rude. Huge. Shout out to Uncle Billy, RIP. Co-host. And so we knew it was going to be ugly and it got even worse on my end

I had an even worse weekend so you did your weekend live up to the hype I mean I had a blast yeah I never caught up with Rabel he had some busy stuff he had his kids had a game and then he had to be an NFL coach had to be an NFL coach and then he

said he didn't have time for a fat, dumb cunt boy. He did tell us come down one time. He said, come down to a game. You're going to have us in the box. Oh, so we should make sure you come down for the regular season. But the yeah, I mean, I was just drunk for 72 hours. Yeah, that'll do it. I mean, that's that's the name of the game.

I went to the wake on Friday night. I went to the wake on Friday night I went to the funeral on Saturday morning then I went to the you know reception or whatever you want to call it afterwards the luncheon what do they call it? Repast Repast didn't know that I kicked it with Aunt Florence and Ethel combined age of

184 years old so I was with the blue hairs fantastic women they don't make them like they used to, man. I was like, Flo, I would date you right now if you were about 75 years younger than you are. I thought you were going to say 75.

Just 75. If you knocked it down to 75, we'd be dating, sure. Just give me a little bit better. And then Saturday night, I had to drive to the 24-hour veterinarian because I thought Duncan was going to die Oh what happened there? Duncan's been like weird all week

All weekend long he was like super lethargic He wasn't moving He wasn't eating Tailed down, didn't like to go for walks Didn't like to play with anyone He's like the fucking bell of the ball He's like the most popular dog on the block You take him for a walk, it takes like two hours because everyone wants to stop and and love him

and shit and so uh i finally got the feeling like i was putting it off putting it off and i was like this dog he's gonna fucking die it's gonna be all my fault because i didn't do anything so i take him to this 24-hour spot and uh my dog has a bad back like me yeah Yeah? They determined that he's like, he must be in pain. There was like no internal problems. He wasn't bleeding. His stomach felt fine. His throat was clear.

He needs a massage. And then she starts like rubbing his back, like squeezing like his spine kind of, and like back by his butt, nothing. Back by, up by his head, nothing. He squeezed right in the middle and he like completely tensed up and he was kind of walking

with his shoulders hunched the whole time. So she was like, I think he like threw out his back it's like like father like son so my dog's got a bad back i'm sure that's gonna end up being like a ten thousand dollar dog surgery which like you know i mean i'm definitely gonna pay it for sure and uh duncan will probably have to have like fusion so it was dead humans and almost dead dogs and then like all day Sunday I was like cleaning my house

and like your life sucks man it sucks dude there's just no two ways about it it just sucks it is not fun and the fact that you're like yeah no I mean, I mean, it was like a fun weekend. It didn't live up to the hype.

It was okay. And I'm like, fuck you. The hype was very, very high. I had an absolute blast. I love seeing my friends. If I did what you did, if I did like one-tenth of what you did, I would be like cumming in my pants. And you're just like, yeah, no, it was cool. If you lived my life for one weekend and then went back to that weekend you just had you would be sometimes i'd like to try your weekend

i can't wait till next weekend where i just don't have to do anything because i've been on the road a lot and i'm over it i would give anything to have your bad weekends well actually i'm going back to boston next weekend so your bad weekends would be amazing yeah but kevin Kevin, think about it this way. Your good weekends are great. You have just like... Why do I have good weekends? I don't know. If it ever comes, like you're fulfilled.

You have family and all that stuff. Like your kids. Your kids are happy. I do enjoy hanging out with my kids. But that's really also not that fun. Anytime people say something like it's fulfilling, that's code word for it's not very fun. And I have to spin zone it into a way that makes it sound more important than it is. You're raising life, though, Kevin.

Yeah, like shit like that. I'm destroying life. I'm making a difference, and it's like, that's just something you say because your weekend was boring. Yeah, I mean, look, I am slowly but surely destroying life while you create it. So at least you will have a lasting legacy. I will not. I mean, who gives a fuck about legacies, dude? Come on.

Nobody cares about that shit. I mean, the highlight of my weekend was Shay can't say the word helicopter. She says helipopter, which is admittedly very funny. But, you know, that lasts for about like 25 seconds when she says helipopter. She goes to me, we go outside now, and you don't realize how many times planes fly by until you've got a kid who's obsessed with it. Every two seconds. What do you think is making that

noise? I think it's a plane. No, it's a helipopter. We just do it on repeat. And it's very funny. And then it's like, that was 45 seconds. I have 48 hours to go. Oh, and then the dog died.

Okay, great. All right. Happy weekend. Yeah. Is it Monday yet? Unbelievable. So that's adolescent to adolescent. I was hoping you were going to keep the accent going a little longer.

I kind of got bored of it. Yeah. Well. I mean, but here you got my brain back. I mean, if you could just maybe slip in and out of it, it would be, you know, it wouldn't be bad. I bet you there's gonna be some girls out there who are like, ooh, John Henry with a southern drawl. Like, I can get behind that. Because everything you fucking do, dumb chicks are like, oh, yeah.

Is it weird? Is it every episode? Is it weird that I find myself like falling for Final Burn? Yeah, bitch. It's fucking real weird. That kid sucks. Sounds like somebody is a little jealous. Whatever, dude.

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Josh Wolfe, you know him from Chelsea Lately and stand-up comedian all over the place. He's my guy. He's kind of like my older brother in this industry. Whoa. Yeah, he knows the actual older brother I have. Like, that guy, whatever. Whatever about him. But Josh always comes through.

I meet him. I always have a good time. So I was supposed to do a quickie with him, and we ended up talking for like an hour. So today's like a double-dip episode. If you want to listen, you get an extra hour with me and Josh just shooting the shit about all sorts of stuff. I don't even know where that conversation went.

It went all over the place. So second half of today's episode. Why was he showing off his nipples? I can't remember that. He was talking about his nipples and we both started showing nipples and stuff. That was weird. It was weird. It was, in fact, pretty strange.

So you got Josh Wolf Hour number two of the podcast. We got voicemails coming up. But right now we are jumping into a little alphabetical. It's been a minute since we've done alphabetical. But we got a Twitter submission from Kelsey. So alphabetical today is brought to you by SeatGeek. These socks are still in first place, correct? By hanging on by a thread because the game goddamn yankees are surging so that right

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Go to settings, click add a promo code, enter KFC, and you get $10 off your first purchase. Kelsey tweets us and she asks, at the gym, wearing a crop top as a dude, alpha or beta move? Now, Fights, you're a gym guy. You frequent the gym. And when I say frequent, you should say I infrequent the gym. I infrequent the gym, yes.

I go more often than you. What's your gym attire? Everyone goes more often than me, you idiot. My gym attire is, depends. I've talked about this before. Typically, just a t-shirt. Depends, you know, if I'm going to yoga yoga yeah i'll wear um leggings under my shorts obviously okay uh lululemon action yeah um do you ever wear the lululemon without shorts over the

top no no i don't have that kind of dick uh certainly don't and then uh if it's bicep day i'll usually go uh with a tank top yeah Gotta see those things fucking pop. Okay. Okay. See, this is why I ask because, you know, this is, this is what she's talking about basically. Like, you know, some guy flaunting around the gym in a crop top. Crop top's a little much. It's a little bit much, but if you had the body to do so, would you do it? Yeah.

Because like you just said, the biceps are popping. You wear the tank top. If the whole, if your whole shit is popping, would you just rock the crop top? Um. You got it. Shake it if you got the tank top. If the whole, if your whole shit is popping, would you just rock the crop top? Um, you got it. Shake it if you got it. Yeah, sitting here right now, I say no, but I don't, you know, you pop a pop of abs on me, it was fucking, I probably just wouldn't wear a shirt ever.

I'd be like, why am I even covering up my pecs? That's what I'm saying. I mean, who was I talking to? I was talking to Trent the other day, because he's down a few more pounds. He's probably less than you at this point. He's at 220. Probably a little bit. Getting close, right?

I mean, he's going to start crossing people like ships in the night. I think Francis said he's officially like the same size as Francis, same weight as Francis. Now, but it's a different look because Francis is all fucking shredded, you know. And he was saying how he needs to go to the gym like four or five times a week just to, like, maintain that, which is why I'm totally out on the gym. Yeah. The gym is such a motherfucker because it takes forever to get like that, and it takes, like, 25 seconds to lose it. So you just got to keep going. But I said, if I look like Francis, if I had, like, a real nice body, I don't know what I mean.

Francis is in really good shape, right? Uh-huh. I just feel like I would come to work with no shirt on. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would be like, you know how much it sucks to get this fucking thing. So I'm showing it off all the time. I'm getting my money's worth right fucking now all of the time.

So it's an alpha move because you're probably the meathead walking around in like the. No, I feel this guy's definitely gay. Well, I can see you going one way or the other. You're either like you got the fucking gallon of milk or protein and you're walking around with like your gloves and your bandana on and you're wearing... You're basically like thrill ride come to life. Yeah, yeah. Or you're a gay guy.

I'm going gay guy. I have a feeling this crop top was... Oh, wait. No, because she said straight, didn't she? She just said... I think she said a straight man, which I don't know how you figured that out. Straight male wearing a crop top at the gym, alpha or beta move. I mean, because if you're doing all that other shit, you're an alpha, you know?

But if you're a normal guy, I feel like it's very beta to just be like, well, I'm popping today. Yeah. I want to show up. I've looked nice today, and I want to share that gift with the whole goddamn world. But what you just said is a good point. Just buyer beware. You go to the gym. If you don't look like a full-blown meathead and you go to the gym wearing a crop top, everyone's assuming you're gay.

Yes. Maybe that's what you're going for. Maybe that's what you want. Maybe you want to keep them on your toes. I don't think there's any way you could do anything. I know she says he's straight. I don't believe her. I don't know.

Like, unless he had sex with her, then there's no. And even then, it's like, meh. Yeah, probably not. You know, like, did you do anal? There's some ways this could go down where it's really still not a sure thing. So I think final answer will be that it's a beta move, but it's just a gay move masquerading as a straight beta. See, that's the big differentiator you always got to figure out. Is it straight beta or just gay?

That's really... Alpha beta calls one thing, but straight or gay is another where it's like yeah no he's just he just likes you know to dress well and cares about like his hair and his appearance and he likes to dance and uh all that it's like well what but then also does he like to have sex with you or not because that's a very fine line my friends. We are going to get into our voicemails in a minute. But first, I would be remiss if we did not bring up quite the past few days that our boy Keith Markovich, K. Marco, the EIC, has been having. First of all, he got caught up in a Twitter fight that made me jealous down to my fucking toes. My toenails

were jealous of this one, man. Somehow, Keith found himself embroiled in a Twitter fight with the single biggest idiot and weirdo on the entire Twitter, on the entire internet, the entire world of the web. I started to see it Thursday night

and then the bachelor party happened this weekend. So I wasn't paying too much attention of on Twitter, um, anymore. But Thursday night I saw begin when he, she quoted tweeted his blog. He wrote a blog about the Facebook technician,

which we, we talked about, uh, a couple of times last week, there was a Facebook technician who was going on Tinder and basically using his ability to stalk girls because he had inside info at Facebook as like a pickup line on Twitter, on Tinder. And so Keith blogged it, and the last paragraph was tongue-in-cheek saying how some girls are going to find it attractive because he's got, he's got all the dirt and he can stalk and he can. I mean, this is what I said. And it wasn't so much tongue in cheek where I.

Oh, yeah. I said I would like it if a girl to me was like, I've been stalking you. I would like it because she knows all the dirt. She knows everything. And she's still here talking to me. Right. So if you know everything fucked up, you know, all my dirt, you know, all my private messages, you You know everything I've ever said

And you're still like What's up I'm like what's up That's just like get a ring Because you basically like fast forward through all of the relationship right there Finding all my dirt All my fucking warts You just love my warts

You basically like The relationship is over because that is the goal anyway. Like, a relationship is just like, can I subtly stalk this person for the next few years? Yeah, yeah, that's so true. We'll have sex and I'll just subtly. I'm allowed to, like, look at your shit all the time. I will keep poking through things until I find out a reason to hate you. That's basically what a relationship is.

You know what's funny about a relationship? It's like, oh, I'm just, like, allowed'm just allowed to watch her get undressed and get dressed. It's the creepiest thing in the world if you're like, so I was looking through the window while she was getting dressed. When you're dating her, you just watch her like, she's naked. And I'm allowed to. That is a naked girl. I can go touch that butt if I want.

It's not illegal. That's really all a relationship is. Anyway, she quote, she tweets a screenshot of just that paragraph being like, this is what Barstool Sports is all about. And Keith puts her on blast for not understanding context or satire. She eventually then diagnoses herself with autism. And she's like, oh, wait a minute. I I'm missing all of the cues here, all of the social cues for satire and humor. I think I might be autistic. And you thought it would end there.

I was like, wow, there's some levels to winning an internet battle. There's like the person blocked you. All right, I won. The person gets their account deleted. All right, I really won. The person self-diagnoses herself as autistic is the fucking top of the line. She said, I have ADHD and and i'm autistic i don't know i can't do this but then all weekend long she continues to try and it's it came in the form

of her like basically stalking barstool employees and thinking that she was like outing them by like releasing private information and releasing like what should have been embarrassing private information so she found a keith michael Markovich who was applying to be an airline pilot, and she released his application as well as some of his medical problems, being like, I don't think the FAA is going to like this Keith, thinking that she was ruining Kay Marko's dream of becoming a pilot. She just had the wrong fucking Keith Markovich. It was a wild.

Did she do with any other employees? She looked up all of my shit with my wife. And she, so she posted all that. And she was like, I'm demanding an apology. She posted the apology video I put up and was like, I'm demanding an apology from all of Barstool sports to me like this.

That apology video. Yeah. That's still, that ain't going anywhere that all that stuff's for life the internet the internet does not forget uh so she spends her whole weekend looking shit up she got suspended for a quick minute and then came back and was like don't worry guys i'm back i just need to get rid of my swastika material like just wild yep apparently she just had of my swastika material. Just wild. Yep. Apparently she just had like some swastikas posted.

She got reported for that. I don't know. This chick is so crazy. So out of touch. So like. That is so bizarre. She's had swastikas? Apparently.

And she thinks what's funny. There's nothing funnier than someone who's like completely in over their head who think they're winning yes you know she was like gotcha posted your faa application keith was like i hope that they also prescribe post my xanax prescription because i'm afraid of flying you idiot and then so that wasn't weird enough today he gets a call from the fucking hospital saying you need to come pick up Eric Nathan. We have him here. We can't discharge him by himself, but you're his emergency contact. Nate putting Keith as his emergency contact is one of the most outrageous moves.

Rageous. I've ever heard in my entire life. Rageous. It is. It's perfectly Dwight Schrute trying to get in with Michael Scott, where Michael, I think Pam or Angela alerts Michael to the fact that he is in fact, Dwight's emergency contact.

So he's going to take him to the hospital. Like who the fuck has anyone put their mom as their emergency contact? I mean, that's who you put. That's who you fucking put. Your mom. It won't matter. My mom could be dead. I'm going to put my mom. I'll get married one day. Like my emergency contact will you fucking put. Your mom. It won't matter. My mom could be dead.

I'm going to put my mom. I'll get married one day. My virginity will remain my mother. I still put my mom. Yep. No doubt. Talk to my mom. 100%.

She is the only adult in my life. She's the only one that actually cares and loves me. That's the only person I can think of. So, Nate has an ulcer. Which, like, what else? Of course you do. No kidding. He's like Dwight putting the

emergency contact, but he's also like Michael trying to make his injury worse than it is. He's walking around being like, I have an ulcer. Nardini was like, Nate, are you okay? He was like, well, I have an ulcer. And she was like, okay, are you okay? He was like, well, I have an ulcer. And she was like, okay. Are you good? Get back to work. Right. Like, we

pretty much all do. Oh, you're stressed? Oh, wow. You're so stressed that your fucking body acid is eating a hole in the lining of your stomach? Yeah, no kidding. You work at Barstool Sports. I think we all probably have an ulcer here. And then the idiot went out and drank Bloody Marys. I constantly stop, like, during doing the podcast. Oh, yeah. And you're like, out and drank Bloody Marys. I constantly stop doing

the podcast. And you're like, oh, what's wrong with him? Oh, it's his heartburn. That has burned a hole in me, no doubt. Your stomach ulcer is like 10th on the list of stress-related manifestations that you have going on in your body. That is par for the course.

I got a bunch of holes in my stomach. You think I don't have an ulcer by now? Dude, Barstool. Do you think you're the only one with an ulcer, Nate? I'm chapsy, passing kidney stones. Yeah, we're falling apart, bro. Well, you know what it is? We're getting old.

And we're getting old. We all started when we were young, mid-20s. Now we're getting old. We're all going to die eventually. Just age with me. Age with me, people. Age with me. I think I got off there when you said that.

We're all going to die eventually. Oh, yeah. Shout out to Keith. He's still going in that battle. Is he? I'm jealous. We've been blocked. I have been blocked. He has been blocked. I have been blocked.

He has been blocked. I have been blocked. I didn't even know who she was. I think she just did the whole Barstool search and block everybody. I think she's crazier than Teeqo. Oh, no doubt. Teeqo's just funny. I mean, Teeqo's crazy.

She's a crazy person. She's a lunatic. She did a rundown from Target, for God's sakes. It resulted in an incredible battle rap, so like, so that will never be topped, but the actual just straight up back and forth on Twitter. I don't think you can find a crazier person than find evil. That's her name. Find evil.

Yeah. I mean, that's a pretty fucking telltale sign. All right. We should have seen it coming. Should have known. All right. Voicemails time.

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Sign up. Just for the stoolies. lisa.com slash barstool. Voicemails. Let's go. So the list they put out was six voicemails. They were one, teleporting. Two, sketchbook at the bar guy. Three, the case for anal. Four, deaf or read minds.

Five, Bigfoot.foot and six bunk beds the number one requested was bunk beds wow if you have a title the case for anal and you don't win maybe we're evolving maybe we're growing up what's up kfc fights super producer i'm a 20 year old at the university of Colorado, and I share a room currently off campus and save room for more activities. My roommate and I decided that we were going to live in bunk beds. Now, it hasn't been that big of a hindrance, and honestly, it's kind of an icebreaker with girls. But I was wondering at what age does a bunk bed turn into a funny, kind of ironic thing into more of a, wow, you live in a bunk bed. How old are you, bro?

That age. I think the icebreaker with women should come before they're in your room. No, you could bring that. At the bar, you could be like, we live in bunk beds. Oh, I think you meant like it's an icebreaker, like they see it and you're like. Yeah, I think you need to break the ice a little bit earlier. I would absolutely hate the fuck out of bunk beds. I mean, jerk off.

Well, I mean, listen, you can live in bunk beds in college. That's allowed. It happens. And everybody, yeah, you live above. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, you have to in? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, you have to in some cases. I don't think you have a choice.

Really? I've never seen one. You've never seen bunk beds in college? I don't think so. I didn't spend too much time in dorms. If you live in a dorm, it's definitely a thing. My freshman year was a forced triple. It was just two beds side by side. Then you had to stack one on top. Stack it? It's a forced triple. So it was just two beds side by side. And then you had to stack one on top.

Stack it? It's a bunk bed. Do you know what a bunk bed is, John? It didn't come pre-made or anything? No, no, no, no. You just fucking put the regular bed on top of the other one. I was like, that doesn't seem safe. They were officially created and structured bunk beds.

But yeah, and then you know you jerk off with someone above you you have sex and the thing's rocking it just that's how it goes when you're in like a shitty college dorm i'm okay with that because you don't really have a choice i think anything post-college you can't have bunk beds and be considered normal no absolutely not like so you have till graduation and then even then like by your by like junior senior year you should probably be like at least striving to live somewhere where you don't have a body above you at all times i i can't imagine that i don't even like jerking off like like but i'm home and i know like like my family's like a couple of rooms away i'm like you guys are pretty close i like put a regular movie on

full blast and just jerk off in silence do you yeah wow you're just blasting like i mean not blast you mean i put that noise on and then i i just mute like porn hub so like i need my privacy man i need my privacy and this is in like your bedroom yeah like my childhood bedroom that's very funny is it porn on mute dick on mute movie up nobody knows no one now everyone's like oh what's john doing well it's like 10 a.m he just woke up he's watching a movie sure sure john's falling asleep to the movies again last night yeah no you're everyone knows you're just jerking off your childhood room uh so yeah man, man, you're creepy. Like, I get the stepbrother jokes, more room for activities.

Like, I don't need more room for activities. I don't do activities. I don't want there to be any reason to think I'm going to be doing anything active today. No, no active. No. What are you playing, fucking knee hockey? Get out of here. I mean, when you bring girls home, and someone's

got to climb up into the bed, come on. That's no self-respecting girls doing that. Again, outside of college. That's like, yeah, no, man. I don't walk upstairs for sex. Certainly not climbing. I don't climb into beds for sex.

You know how dangerous that is? What if you fall off? If you fall off a bed during sex, watch out. You ever been in an all-star event? Yeah. I've been pushed out. Actually, I have four of them. I've been pushed out of bed during sex.

Yeah? Out of a bunk bed, now that I think about it. Four of them were pretty steep. They were pretty high. Yeah. I hit my head on a bureau on the way down. Why'd she push you out? It was just the morning.

It was like, get out. You're done. We were like flirting. Oh yeah, that's how everybody flirts. Get the fuck out of my bed. It wasn't so much like a push out of bed. We were flirting and wrestling a little bit. And then the stars aligned perfectly where I rolled the wrong way and she pushed the right amount.

You got bodied. You got beat up. That chick just beat your ass. You were a shitty lay and she'd fucking beat you up because of it. God, imagine that was, like, the rule. It's like in Sparta. Like, if you're good, you're fine. If you're bad, you get kicked into that hole.

You sucked at sex last night. Now I'm going to beat your ass. So, no. There's no, like, oh, the answer was, like, when does it go from, like, funny and ironic to creepy? It never really was funny and ironic. That's just in your head answer was like when does it go from like funny and ironic to creepy it never really was funny and ironic that's just in your head that's just that's just a you thing pal no one else agrees with that uh so psa if you're out of college have one bed without another bed on top of it that's the way to go um So this one came in from a loyal listener. She's on Twitter at BigMacBall. Oh yeah, oh yeah,

Mac. Mac always changes her Twitter name to reflect whatever's going on in sports with the word Mac in it. Right, because I don't know what her real name is. I'm like, Mackenzie? I literally have never seen her real name. Just Twitter Mac. She's a big fan of anal. Oh boy. John

Kevin Brendan. Okay, this. John, Kevin, Brendan. Okay, this is not a hypothetical. This is really not a question at all. All I'm saying is this is a PSA to all the females out there. Okay, so let's all TBT to whenever you actually lost your virginity and how miserable that was. It, like, felt bad. The person was awkward. You were probably in the back seat of somewhere you were on the floor of somewhere it was awful so just for everyone just saying so

maybe anal for the first time doesn't feel that great because honestly vaginal sex doesn't feel that great at first let's just say that after you do anal sex for a couple of times and after you've done anal sex like you're probably with some guy that actually knows what they're doing so it might actually feel good and honestly it's so much closer to your g-spot and it feels so much better and also you can't can't get pregnant. That's what I'm saying. Just PSA for all the girls out there. It feels a lot better. And you can't get pregnant.

And just give it a chance, you know? Like, at first, it doesn't feel good. But the second, third, fourth time, like, it's going to feel good. A whole lot better than vaginal sex. Just letting everyone know. Okay. Signing everyone know. Okay. I'm signing off. See you, though.

Was this like a, is this secretly like a guy using a voice changer to try to, like, give the case? I mean, these are all the things the guy says. I mean, her logic is sound. It's like if everybody just stopped having regular sex because they're losing their virginity was was not enjoyable. Everybody would stop having sex. Yeah. So like, yeah, it hurt. Yeah. It was awkward.

Yeah. You thought to yourself, what's why did people do this? But then you powered through it. And now sex is like your favorite thing in the world. Well, that's not my favorite thing. Well, it's up there for a lot of people. It's up there. And so of people it's up there and so now she's saying just do that with your butt i mean argue that logic argue against that logic

i can't you can't it's it's fucking rock solid this is a sturdy argument for butt sex closer to the g-spot can't get pregnant and she. If you're having, if you're doing it frequently, it probably means that you're with a dude who's at least like figuring you out. You could, you could probably go on, you could find a new dude to have sex all the time who just puts it in your vagina and doesn't know what he's doing.

Or you could consistently stick around with one guy and just do some butt sex and he'll figure you out. This girl makes a great case. I mean, Mac is, I've always said Mac is the smartest person on Twitter. Everybody knows that. I've said that from the get-go.

Everybody knows Mac's a genius. I mean, she's not wrong. It can happen to any, it's almost like, you know when they say in like, that if you do the one hand up with the pushing on the belly, you can make any girl squirt? It's like that's not like a hidden thing. It can happen to any girl. Well, any girl can like anal.

You just got to get there. You just got to get there. You're a hell of a pitch man as well. You and Mac. We're going to run on a ticket 2020. KFC, Mac. Anal's not so bad. Dude, it's apparently not hard to run on. Like, I mean, like.

I might win. To follow up with, like, the 20, whatever year it was, 16 ticket being no Muslims. No Mexicans. Like, hey, like, do you like to get fucked in the ass? America. No Mexicans Like None of them either Like hey like Do you like to get Fucked in the ass America Anal for America

Say it with me folks Anal for America The other had it Upside down You had the A's Anal Anal for America What's up fights

KFC Super producer BC Just finished up with a long road trip and had a question for you guys kind of a hypothetical here the question is are you in or out on teleporting so obvious the obvious good side to it you can go anywhere in the world probably for about the price of a bus ticket downside anybody you, anybody you know, friends, family, ex-girlfriends can also visit you as if they were living next door to you at all times. Obviously, you got to take the good with the bad. Just wanted to hear your thoughts.

Personally, I'm 100% out on the idea. I don't care how much it costs or how great it would be. Wanted to hear your thoughts. Thanks. Viva. Teleport anywhere instantly, but that also means anybody can teleport

to you instantly. That's a thing. That's an angle I don't think I've ever thought about with teleporting because anytime I'm stuck in an airport or stuck on an uncomfortable plane,

I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? Have we not invented teleporting yet? Let's just figure this out. But the thought that you could be sitting there and like, boom,

your mom pops in the room. Boom. Your girlfriend pops in the room. Boom. Your ex pops in the room. your ex pops in the room yeah it's got like a phone call it's gotta be like a phone call where you have the option to decline yeah there needs to be some sort of like border border control yeah you like you get an alert like so and so wants to come see you no but if it's not like that would you take teleporting versus not teleporting absolutely not you you never want to be able to be found? No.

No, no, no, no, no. Or you also, like, you have no reason to not go somewhere. Somebody could just tell you. No, just come here. Oh, there's traffic, man. Like, I can't make it to Brooklyn. It's too far away. I can't fly there.

It's too far. Oh, dude, teleporting sounds terrible. Yeah, why? Teleporting basically makes you do stuff. Yeah. That's, no. teleport teleporting basically makes makes you do stuff yeah that's no anything that makes doing things easier is technology that i guess on the flip side like i get home easier so i go and i have one drink and i'm like okay i'm going home it would be very nice to be like at your desk five six o'clock hits whatever you snap your fingers you're on your couch that's dope and

like the you're horribly hung over from a bachelor party snap your fingers, you're on your couch. That's dope. You're horribly hungover from a bachelor party, snap your fingers, you're in your bed. It's incredible. The thing is, the moments that you do want teleporting, you'll crack and be like, I'll do anything for this. So my ex-girlfriend pops into my life down the road, whatever,

I just can't get on an airplane right now. I guess you can teleport away from her. Yeah, that's true. She's just chasing you. What, that's true. Yeah. She's chasing you. Chasing people. Like, you know what? What was that Christian,

uh, hating Christensen movie? Uh, jumper jumper. Yes. Yeah. Just like underrated, bad movie.

Got like one tomato. I think, um, the, the thing is you don't know where someone is. So like to teleport to me, you got to know where I am. Very true. So, like, if I can live off the grid a little bit, then I don't even actually have to risk.

Like, if your ex-girlfriend doesn't know where you live, she can't teleport to you. Yeah, but, like, with us, you can't always know where we are. Yeah, but I also think that, like, there needs to be, I would imagine, with some teleporting technology, you need to be able to tell yourself, your brain, your teleporting brain, where, like, the coordinates are. So it's like if you tell John, if John tells you where he lives, what street and what avenue or whatever, that doesn't mean you can just teleport into his room. No, you can't find him. I've said my address on here before. Not my address. I've said, like, my cross streets.

Yeah. There are 15 buildings there. And then even if they find your building, then they have to find your apartment. Then within your apartment, they have to find your room. Like, just because you can doesn't mean you automatically know precisely where to go. It reminds me of Star Wars, the latest Star Wars. That chick, the hot one, the new one, Ren. Rey?

Rey. She has been tasked to go find Luke Skywalker. They just tell her what planet he's on. The whole planet. And boom, she finds him. Now, I'm willing to look past that because of the force and whatnot. But, like, she just goes to the one mountain in the middle of the ocean that he's on. That was a little ridiculous.

I didn't know that. I haven't seen that. That's funny. Oh, he's just a dude standing on the edge of the ocean that he's on. That was a little ridiculous. I didn't know that. I haven't seen that. That's funny. Oh, he's just a dude standing on the edge of a mountain. He's like, I found you. Got you, bitch. So I might take it just because the chances. Now, the problem is if you know someone who really does know everything about you,

then you can't ever escape. But again, boom, boom, boom, boom. You teleport, I teleport right out of here. You teleport to my place, I teleport to your place because I know you're not there. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Just keep switching. I think I'll take my chances. I still don't know.

How funny would the teleport be, though, like, for those purposes? Like, you're sitting at your desk and Nardini comes over and says, John, we got to talk. Boom, gone. Nope, no you don't! Yeah, but like that's... See you Monday, maybe. That's one of those things where it's like, I'm gonna have to have that conversation.

But you can just run forever. You can just keep running. I can't. I get fired. Yeah, but if you teleport, you don't need a job. It's like, teleport into a restaurant, grab some food, teleport out. You don't even need money. I would just take money. Yeah, you teleport into a bank, take the food, teleport out. You don't even need money. I would just take money. Yeah, you teleport into a bank, take the money, you're out.

It's like, yeah, I'm taking teleporting. I'll deal with pop-ins from a mother-in-law or something, and I'll be able to rob banks and go wherever I want all the time. That's what's up. Okay, let's say you had to obey the laws. I still think, well, I need to be able to steal a little bit. I need to be able to steal food. If. I need to be able to steal food. If you can let me shoplift, then I'll do it.

Is this like only you can teleport, or it's like a thing that everybody has access to? I don't think everybody can teleport. That is just chaos. Well, that's the thing. In his scenario, other people could pop in on you, so I'm assuming it's just like everybody can teleport. Right. No, but I'm saying I would imagine, again, with teleport technology,

you'd be getting wires crossed and shit. If everybody's teleporting through space, there's only so many teleporting avenues or something. Imagine if all 8 billion people tried to teleport at the same time. We'd all end up like the fly. You ever see that movie? Jeff Goldblum, he becomes a fly. Isn't it Sandra Bullock, too?

I think so. The girl's famous. Great movie. I saw a bunch of movies recently. I watched The Commuter with Liam Neeson. Horrific. I watched both Guardians of the Galaxy. Number one, Hot Fire.

Number two, Horrific. I watched Thor 3. Pretty good. Is that Ragnarok? Yeah. I liked that. I watched Game night last night. Oh, how was that? My mom liked that.

If that's exactly it, that's exactly it. Your mom will like it. It's fine, but it got like 90 tomatoes and it's like really not worth that. But I fuck with Jason Bateman real hard and McAdams is in it and she's like funny and cute. Coach Taylor's in it.

It's just, it is Jamie Foxx. No Winston from and cute. Coach Taylor's in it. It's just, it is. Jamie Foxx? No, Winston from New Girl. Yeah, some black dude. And then Landry Todd is in it, playing a creepy neighbor. Absolutely everything. Dude, I watched Hostiles.

It's the perfect role for him. Hostiles last night, that was an intense first scene. I ended up falling asleep because I just got off from Bachelor Party. I haven't seen it, but I can tell. It's Christian Bale and some Native American dude, right? And Landry.

And Landry Todd's in that? He's in everything. Did somebody get beheaded or scalped? And the chick from Gone Girl, too. Yeah. There's a scalping. I was going to say,

if we're talking Native American and you tell me that it's disturbing, someone's got to be getting scalped. All right. Let's do final voicemail of the day before we get into Josh Wolfe. This is brought to you by OMAX. Whether you're an athlete, student, busy parent, gamer, working professional, there's no

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One more voicemail, and then we get to Joshua. Dumb one, handsome one one smart one pause pause pause pause dumb one handsome one smart one who do you think's who because i have an idea dumb one smart one handsome one i don't think this is gonna go well for me smart one, handsome one. I don't think this is going to go well for me. I think people... Well, let's say, generally say... The smart one is Brendan.

Yeah. So now it's down to dumb and handsome. People go KFC, Fy, Super Producer BC. So... Oh, you're going with just the order here. Here we go dumb one handsome one smart one smart one looks like it's already locked

up there it's not good it's not good I think you're overrated personally but I don't think you're that handsome and you're definitely dumb. So you should be like, if we're talking about the dumb one here, it's you. No, I disagree.

You think you're smarter than me? I think I'm a handsome one. Yeah, I think you're also, but you're dumb. I'm not as smart as you. Yeah. So he's definitely the smart one and you're not as smart as me. So you have to be the dumb one. So I'm dumb and handsome.

That's fine. I'll give you that. But let's like, we should actually say you're the dumb one right now in the room. Who's the dumb and handsome? That's fine. I'll give you that. But let's, like, we should actually say you're the dumb one. Right now in the room, who's the dumbest person? It's fights. It's me. And so if there's a debate involving dumb one, it's got to be you. You didn't know what repass was, though.

But then by default, I'm the handsome one. Yeah, but you're not. Because he's the smart one. You're the dumb one. Yeah, but he. Nope, that's it. I am the handsome one. At your service.

That's not true. We both know that. You're so dumb that I just talk circles around you and convince yourself that I'm the handsome one. That's how dumb you are, dumb one. You didn't convince me of that. You're dumb one. I just acknowledge the fact that you're smarter than I am. I don't think you're the handsome one.

I just acknowledge that you're smarter than I am. You just have to be... It's just about... I'm just taking what's left over, folks. He's the smart one. You're the dumb one. The only thing left. I'm just taking what's left over, folks. He's the smart one. You're the dumb one. The only thing left is handsome one. Yeah, but you didn't know a repassment earlier.

So what? Who cares? If there was a third thing, if he said, like, I don't know, some other fucking adjective, that would have been me. But he happened to say handsome one, so that's it. Let's finish up dumb one. Fucking hilarious. I work at a pretty big company.

I'm not going to say which one. And I have a manager here who is in charge of people for eight hours out of the day. Paid a handsome salary. And I have just found out that he not only has a book published but firmly believes that bigfoot exists oh yeah he has multiple books published about bigfoot this is fucking blowing my mind uh basically what i want to know is do you guys what's the craziest thing you found out about a co-worker that nobody would ever believe? And you can't say fights hooking up with an Indian woman for multiple months. Thanks, Peter.

All right, good. I was going to say fights having a fucking threesome with a married couple in New Orleans. What was the other one? You hooked up with an Indian woman for three months? No, I just dated a girl who was like— Oh, a Native American! You got to say Native American because that is the craziest thing, that you've had sex with two Native Americans. I mean, they're not like...

Yeah, I guess one of them did have a grandfather who was super Native American. I mean, that is still to this day the craziest stat you'll ever hear. It's like, you know, Joe DiMaggio only struck out ten times in the 19-whatever season, and Fidelberg had sex with two Native Americans in one lifetime. Crazy. First of all, don't knock this guy for writing books about Bigfoot. Why? I think it's a waste of time. I think I'm in on Bigfoot.

Yeah? No, I'm not. I don't believe in Bigfoot. Here's what I believe in. You know, Bigfoot has many names. Around these parts, he's Bigfoot. Around, you know, like Around the Alps he's the Yeti. In other places he's the

Abominable Snowman. I believe in the Abominable Snowman. I don't think that there's a Bigfoot running around like Portland. Like the Pacific Northwest. Dustin Pedroia does. He really believes it. He gets genuinely mad. When you tell him it's not real. He's like, it's on a a flag or it's on a sign.

What the fuck does that mean, Dustin? If he's on a sign, someone made a sign. It has to be real. There's this picture of Santa Claus. It has to be real. I think that in the mountaintops in Europe or something, deep in the fucking snow

in the caves of like Mount Everest I could see there be seeing some like half man half beast that lives I don't think that's that far fetched I think there are some creatures running around this earth that are not your standard human or animal I think that's all ocean though I believe anything in the ocean that's fine

I think if it was on land we would have discovered it by now but there are still some spots dude but I feel you I get yeah ocean like straight up monsters live in the ocean. That's fine. I think if it was on land, we would have discovered it by now. But there are still some spots, dude. But I feel you. I get, yeah, ocean, like, straight up monsters live in the ocean. That's just a fact. Yeah, dinosaurs live in the ocean. So it might be a little bit extreme, but let's not be so naive here. Let's not be so judgmental that this guy wrote a couple Bigfoot books.

Yeah, I'll do anything for money. It's a little bit hard to be taken seriously when you're Dustin Pedroia and you're at work. It's like you can't ever tell me what to do again. You write books about Bigfoot. But I respect your hustle. But I mean, listen, it could be a lot worse. You could learn a lot worse about your coworkers than he believes in a mythical man beast creature.

That ain't so bad. Your coworker, yeah. Dude, when we go home, we go to the bar after work, you go home and you research Bigfoot. We're done professionally. Yeah, that's the thing. You can't take us first. What did you do this weekend? Oh, I put on some camouflage and I went and I laid in the woods with a camera and just waited and waited and waited for me to potentially see a mythical man beast.

I basically put on an outfit to go piss myself. I just laid burly still, went to the bathroom in my pants, and I filmed Empty Spot of Woods for 48 hours. But one of these days, it's going to happen. I'm going to find the fucking final thing. No, you're nuts. And also, just like that, just the idea of like being the one to find Bigfoot, like is it going to be any better if just someone else did? Yeah, no,

I, I, no, I, I, I'm with you on that. Like, I disagree with you on that. I think it's almost like being the one to break news to somebody.

You know how good that feels. If you're the guy who knows Bigfoot, I think that's a big deal. That's, that's, I mean, you crack, you,

you, if you can prove a centuries old myth, that's a big one. Yeah. You can truly prove it. You got him. You fucking proof picture or a piece's a big one. Yeah, you're right. If you can truly prove it, you got him. You fucking proof picture a piece of him or him.

That's big. And also, I mean, you're rich, by the way. Not to mention, you're going to be the Bigfoot guy. Yeah, okay, you're right. I make movies about you

and shit like that. You're right. But it's probably never going to happen. So therein lies the problem there. Yeah, it would be cool to fly

too but but yeah we can still i'm not gonna like i'm not gonna knock you too much but don't you even dare think of telling me what to do or ever try to act like you're smarter than me or that your opinion matters more than me in any way shape or form until you find him and then once you find him like you can be the ceo of this company. But until then, I'm smarter than you. Yes. You're the dumb one. I'm the smart, handsome one. I'm the handsome one.

This is like in Always Sunny. No, you're right. I'm the handsome one. No, I'm the handsome one. Right. I'm the handsome one. I am the handsome one. I am the handsome one.

I agree with you. I am the handsome one. I am the handsome one, though. You were saying the same thing. I am the handsome one. No, we're not. I'm saying John Feidelberg is the handsome one. No, I, Kevin Clancy, am the handsome one. I am the handsome one, though. You are saying the same thing. I am the handsome one. No, we're not. I'm saying John Feidelberg is the handsome one. No, I, Kevin Clancy, am the handsome one.

You have to be the dumb one. No, I don't. Who else are you going to be? The handsome one. But you are the dumb one. There's only one person here who can be the dumb one. There's only one person who can be the handsome one. How can I be the dumb one if I'm not the dumbest?

How can you be the handsome one if you're not handsome? I am handsome. You're dumb. You are not handsome, my friend. You're not handsome. You're dumb. You are not handsome, my friend. You're not handsome. You're dumb. On a dad level, perhaps you're handsome. I'm more handsome than you are.

I'm certainly more. Buddy, you said not so long ago that I walk into a bar and girls would be like, oh, interested in me. I'm trying to give you some confidence because you're going to kill yourself soon. I'm more handsome within my realm than you are in your realm. You're just another dude in the single fucking pool. You're ugly. I'm, as far as dads go, I'm kind of fucking hot. I'm just like, I'm like, I'm a varsity

player playing on JV. You know, it feels great. It's like when you're like 13 years old but you're playing with like the 11 and 12 year olds in baseball because of the birthday and you're just hitting dingers left and right. That's me. You're dumb.

You're the dumb one. Let's talk to Josh Wolfe. He's dumb and ugly and old. So this interview is brought to you by Lightstream. Are you paying more money in interest than you need to on your credit cards? Do you have a credit card because you're an adult with credit? John doesn't. I have a credit card.

You got a credit card? I have a credit card. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Well, at some point you are going to completely mismanage this and you will have racked up way too much debt. Nope. Yes, you will. Nope.

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dot com slash KFC. Subject to credit approval rate rate includes 0.50% auto pay discount available only when you select auto pay prior to loan funding. Terms and conditions apply and offers are subject to change without notice. Visit Lightstream.com for important information about Lightstream on Lightstream loans on the same day funding. You really going to convert? And I was like, yeah, I'm going to do it. And they were like, you got to learn like Hebrew, dude. I was like, I'm going to fucking do it. The person who taught me Hebrew.

My dad was a cheap motherfucker. No, you're shocking. My dad was so cheap. And so the person who taught me Hebrew was a guy named Dennis. And so Dennis had terrible body odor. I mean, dude, when I mean, you know when you meet somebody, you're like, he smells a little bit. Or some guy who's like, oh, that's just the way that fucking guy smells. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like this guy, he's blissfully unaware of his own stench. And usually those people have a lot of body hair. Yeah, they just gross all over. Yeah, it. Like this guy has, he's blissfully unaware of his own stench. Just, and usually those people have a lot of body hair. Yeah, they just gross all over. Yeah, it's really hard. It's like the time, you know, on my list of people to have sex with was an enormous black woman. And I had sex with an enormous black woman. How'd that go? Great.

But there was different smells involved. Do you know what I mean? There was just different, there's different. It's like, oh, I've never had that aroma before. Yeah, because you have to lift, there's places you have to lift and wash. Oh, the crevices. Yeah, you got to lift and wash. So Dennis would come over.

And so not only did he smell, but he had to sit close and teeth. But he just had the bushy, hairy chest. And he had it buttoned down to about the sternum. The jufro on the chest. On the chest. And he would twist his chest hair. Oh, Jiminy Cricket. Wait.

Pull it off. And then sprinkle it on the chest. On the chest. And he would twist his chest hair. Oh, Jiminy Cricket. Wait. Pull it off. And then sprinkle it on the ground. Oh, my God. Wait. Can I get any worse than this? I tell my dad. And I go, hey, so here's the deal with Dennis. And again, so you're like, what, 12, 13 years old at this point?

12 years old. Yeah. I'm like, here's the deal with Dennis. I told you he smelled. He's like, yeah, well, you know, some guys, you know. And I go, and I told him about the chest hair. And he looks right at me. He goes, well, he is pretty inexpensive.

You get what you pay for, son. And as you become a man here with Yahweh, this is your first lesson. That's basically what he said to me was, he's costing me 10 bucks. Pulling your chest hair off. Like, what are you doing socially? And sprinkling it on the fucking. And he's just sitting there like... Yeah, he's doing the whole haki haki.

And then at one point in time, I'm reading out of the Torah, and I look up at the rabbi, and this is how I knew I was terrible. And I knew I was terrible, but I looked up to him, and he just gave me a really slow head shake, like, you're not doing this right.

No, I feel for you guys, though. Like, confirmation was... I don't even remember for you guys though like confirmation was i don't even remember what you have to do but you don't have to learn a whole fucking language how old are you when you're just like same age it was like seventh grade i was like 13 years old you know what really fucked me though so you get a party uh again you know we're not we're not doing the the the glow sticks and the chair parties are the yeah no confirmation just stinks all around in that department. But I remember we moved around a couple times right around that age.

So I was living outside of Philly, and you got confirmed in like early, like fifth grade. And then we moved to the Bronx, and it was like sixth grade. But then we moved to Westchester before I could do that. It was seventh grade. So I got like two and a half extra years of CCD. And I was like, my fuck. I don't want to become a man in the eyes of the Lord. I'm done here.

But in Westchester, you must have been to some great bar mitzvahs. Yeah, there's a lot of bar mitzvahs. Good ones. The Sweet 16 bar mitzvah era in Westchester was, and I was, as far as my town was concerned, I was like the poor kid. By no means, we were well off. We were fine. But I was hanging around with some kids who were like town was concerned, I was like the poor kid. By no means, you know, we were well off. We were fine. But like I was I was hanging around with some kids who were like big money.

And I'm going to their parties. Give me your best sweet 16. Like where you walked in, you were like, get the fuck out of here. There was I mean, you know, there's no like MTV super sweet 16 sort of thing. But you just get the vibe when, you know, like you're at a place that like none of you've never even seen the adults in your life at a fancy place like this. And you see the kids running around. I was like, this is ridiculous. You have kids, young kids.

Yeah. And I've always said anybody who throws a birthday party for a child under the age of three is a fucking ass. Oh, I'm with you on that. But guess what? I get bullied into it. So an asshole. Because let me let me let me rephrase what you just said for a father out there. Anybody who has a birthday for a kid under the

age of three has been told to do so by his wife yeah that's what it really is and your wife's an asshole yeah because you i mean the kid does not remember it and so you're basically it's just give the money honestly i might push that to like six or seven like what like what because and even gifts like no you know how old's your kid? My oldest is like two and change. Okay, so at that age, the best gift you can give a child is a balloon and an empty refrigerator. Yes. Like literally the boxes. They don't want the toys.

They want to play in the fucking box of toys. No. I mean, the one gift we got Shay this year that she actually liked was a fishing pole with magnetic fish. And it was like, you know, $5. Yeah, perfect. And she played with that all fucking Christmas morning while we had a almost like a power wheels just sitting in the corner i was like i'm gonna box this shit back up and give it to her in five years like no way we're just letting this shit

sit around a hundred kids parties are in la so dumb oh i can't even imagine out there okay there was one party uh and this is when jakey went to the Jew school. It was Temple Israel. So because the schools affiliated with churches or synagogues are less expensive. Right. Right. So for preschool, I couldn't afford the normal preschool up there. So I had to pretend to be super Jewish. By the way, when you're paying for preschool, like my kid is, I pay tuition. I get a letter that says tuition.

I'm like, can we just not use the T word? Because she's eight months old. I need to just call it something else. Just the cost of school. But don't tell me that I am already paying tuition. Dude, when they, when I, and there was a kindergarten in LA. And I know for a fact, a buddy of mine paid $35,000. And I was like, hey.

Oh my God. I said, what the fuck is your kid learning? How to put the crayons away? Because I will teach her how to do that for a hundred bucks. I was going to say, give me a fraction of that.

Give me beer money. A hundred dollars in one afternoon. But so what is the most, say you had a shit ton of money. What's the most you feel like, yeah, that's my baby girl.

Like she deserves the world. Yeah, but what is it? What's the dollar value? You'd even feel comfortable spending. I honestly can't even wrap my head around it because it's so utterly stupid

that it doesn't even run through my brain. My wife was even giving me a hard time about Christmas. We were in a fight and she was just like, did you even buy gifts? And it wasn't that I'm like, I had a thought of like, no, I'm not buying my kids gifts this year. It ran through my head like, they're too young, so i'm like i i had a thought of like no i'm not buying my kids gifts this year i was just like it ran through my head like they're too young so i'm not gonna do it and like whatever yeah it's just like so foreign to me that it's like buying toys for your puppy it's

like what are we why would you do this they don't even have a brain yet the brain is as totally empty the skull is empty the people who have birthday parties for their dogs should jump off of the flat earth. We need to exterminate them. That is the stupidest. Yeah. When somebody was like, hey, you want to bring your dog over? Because he said, the kid's name is Dog. His name is Tully.

Tully's having a birthday party. I'm like, who's Tully? Your nephew or something? Tully's your dog, right? He goes, yeah, we're having all of his dog friends over. First of all, shut your face. I mean, what are you talking about? And he said, we bought a cake.

They bought a $300 cake. There's a dog bakery. Did you know that? No, I don't even know what that means. What does that even mean? A $300 cake? And they just let him eat it? Like, they all just scramble together and eat it?

Dude, dogs eat shit. Yeah, they literally eat garbage. I will shit in a bowl. Give me $300. Give me $300, I'll poop in a bowl. And you know what? The dog will enjoy it more than the fucking cake. It'll be healthier

I eat pretty healthy I eat pretty clean dude I eat pretty clean that whole world I mean I have jokingly referred to my dog as like oh it's my first born

that's my real son kind of but like the people who really take that seriously like I'm a dad think about this and you know what's really funny

I've had I had a puppy before and then I obviously have had kids, and I remember saying things like, I'll be honest, man, like, having a dog is like having a kid, like, you know? And then you have a kid, and it's like, having a dog is not like having a fucking kid. Like, because at the end of the, I mean, I used to get it where it was like, yeah, you actually have to, like, have a responsibility, and you can't just, like, go away for the weekend or go out all night long.

But at the end of the day, push comes to shove, you can. Yeah. Like, there would be times where I'd be like, oh, I got to get – like the dog has to go out. And I'd be shit-faced. And I was like, well, I'm just going to let him shit in the house. I'll figure that out. You can't just leave the kid for 18 hours. It's not like having a kid. People frown upon that.

Not only that, if your kid took a shit in your front yard, you'd be like, that's not okay. No, but the dog doesn't? Yeah. No big deal. If your son licked his nuts at your Christmas party, you'd be like, first of all, teach me how to do that. I was going to say, my man. I got a winner. I got a winner.

I got to tell you, man, kids' parties, the L.A. ones, I went to one. This is when Steve Irwin was still alive, and he happened to be in L.A. at the time, and I guess knew the person whose party it was. There was— Alligators and shit? Everything. At this dude's party. Dinosaurs. Jurassic Park. I asked the guy, I go, how much did this party cost? And he goes,

nothing. Doesn't matter. There's no price tag on my little girl. Fuck that. You know what? Actually, to be honest, it's not even that. It's like, I don't want to have one of those asshole kids who expects the super sweet 16 so even if i can afford it and even if i wanted to give it to you like i'm not gonna give you a pony because you will grow up to be an asshole on top

of that you know what i think the biggest sham going goodie bags hey fuck you wait a second it's my kid's birthday your kid comes to my house and i have to give him a present i don't know how who started that the amount of add-ons now like who started those like my we did a christening and we had a goodie bag and we had like baked cookies that were all wrapped up and a this and a that we were like giving out picture frames i was like he just got christened nobody fucking cares about it it was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. The christening was lovely, but it was like a mini wedding. I think like a hundred and something people

ended up coming, and they were like, oh, you know what? This is too many people now, so we can't do the buffet. We have to do a sit down. And it just took forever for all the courses to come out,

and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die because it was like a six hour affair, and I could tell all my friends and family that showed up were like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. But my wife had put my friends and family that showed up were like, I got to get the fuck out of here. But my wife had put so much work into it. She's like, we haven't even given them the cookies yet.

And I was like, well, get the fucking cookies out there. I'll eat the cookies later. I don't know. Just let these people free. Let them go. They don't want to be here anymore. Yeah, man. Those moments.

It's like you're stuck in between. I know my guests want to die and I don't want to like, you know, take any more of their time, but I don't want to piss off my wife because she has put so much work into this that it's like they're going to eat the goddamn cookies then. Nobody is willing to. Okay. So I think there's a, the problem now is that people, people think in order to be able to tell the truth means you're an asshole.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Okay. That's so true. I actually can, I don't know how you finish your point, but I have a theory about this that I want from your perspective as an older, wiser guy. Yeah. But well, well, I'll tell you, you know, to kind of jump that, you know, I got that from something my father said to me, which dude has helped me through my life.

And he reminded me of it last year. OK, so we were in this was after the David Ortiz roast last June, last June. And this is something I'd taken from my father but i'd forgotten but it helped me so much since that time last june the the roast was great i invited you to come down you couldn't come down but it was sold out it was very cool fucking moment for a red socks fan a boston guy comedy meets your sports fandom all together and afterwards and i had my dad was there my mom was there my son and my wife was there, my mom was there, my son, and my wife was there. Afterwards, I'm at dinner with my mom and dad and my brother.

And my dad is talking about how successful, really good, it was such a good thing. And then he said to me, and it was just at a point in time where I was with my comedy. A lot of it was my issue. But he said to me, hey, did you ever think about, you know, if comedy doesn't work out, you could get into producing shows. And it was at a point in time where I was a little touchy about my stand-up and i laid into him a little bit and i was like this is what i do dad i do stand up like there's no plan b right you figured this out by now i've been doing this a long fucking time saying that to me is yeah but it hit me the wrong way and i felt like i went off on a little bit and the next morning and i actually was went up to

the room with my mom with my with my uh wife i did him a little bit. And the next morning, and I actually went up to the room with my mom, with my wife. I did cry a little bit because when your parents get older, you're like, man, is this how I want to, you know, you got a finite amount of time. And I felt really bad beating myself up. And I went downstairs the next day and I told my dad, I apologize and all that stuff. And he goes, what are you apologizing for? And I said, what? He goes, I asked you a question. I can't predetermine how you're going to answer that.

Right. And I can't get offended by what you say. From your opinion, yeah, your feeling. He said, so I want you to tell me the truth. It's my problem if I have a problem with your truth. Feel that, Papa Wolf is preaching. Yeah, he said, never, never cater your answer to the question. I think a lot of it, man, is how you establish when you're in the courting period.

So true. Okay, so most people court and when they're trying to get somebody to fuck them, they're not themselves. Oh, yeah. Now you're stuck being that guy. No, I know. Me and Feidelberg, he's not here today, but we always said, we're probably about 10% of our real self. Yeah, you're stuck

being that guy. Now the, the, the thing you have going on this show is now people know who you are. Yeah. Well, there's no, but even that's funny is so everything, you know, goes public with my life. And there were some people who I guess kind of just would look at like an Instagram page and be like, Oh, you purported yourself as this happily perfect family man and you fucked it all up. And then there were people

who like really listened to my show that were kind of like no it sounded like you were struggling with this like whole life as a father and a husband and this you know life change and all that and so it was strange to see some people be like you're such a fraud when a lot of other people were like oh there was some some red flags but here i i think we pretty much laid on the table here and then it's also hard to go home and act a different way when it's like, well, I listen to your podcast. And that's not what you said. And that's not the type of guy that I really heard. And then, you know, in the beginning, it really was like, well, this is just a character.

And then it kind of became like, well, I'm not really a character, but I'm just kind of sometimes exaggerating. And then now I'm like, I don't know what the fuck I am anymore. I'm like DiCaprio in Inception. I need a top to spin. You're also DiCaprio in Inception. I need a top to spin. You're also DiCaprio's body. Skinny fat for life, baby. I really am saying, and I told you this out in the lobby, that you for sure are the king of the skinny fats. I mean, my friends.

You've replaced Leo. You've replaced Leo. Stop, but go on. Yeah, you've replaced. Because to me, that is, I mean. Now, when you do this, does your arm jiggle? Oh, yeah. I mean, bro, everything jiggles, pal.

There is nothing that stays stationary, okay? Okay, so tell me when you go t-shirt shopping. It's a tough thing. Is it more important for you that your belly doesn't show or that your arms kind of look okay? You know what? My crippling fear is the man boob. I don't think I have that bad yet. But, you know, even if there's just a wrong shadow or something that gives you the image of a little bit of an A cup, I'm like, oh, that hurts.

You know what I had? I got the muffin top. That's my problem. You do have a little bit of the muffin top. Yeah, that hurts. I had growing up, and one of the reasons I'm a gym rat is because growing up. Yeah, you're an asshole. You're in shape and stuff.

Growing up, when I was younger, I was one of those guys that was scared to take a shirt off of the pool oh wow remember as a kid they're your friend you were like hey man you're gonna get in the pool because you were scrawny no i had a little bit of a belly and i had my brother used to tell me he's like man you got some meaty nipples uh weird nipples is tough because you can't even fix those can't fix them and and it turns out you know as we were younger let me see when we were younger we didn't know it wasn't it's not the nipple it's the areola that's right you know eventually yeah it's the areola. That's right. Eventually. It's almost like it ovals out a little bit.

It's like an Asian eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're fine, though. Because you know what? You've got good tone. If those were darker, you'd have a real problem. I'm not a fan of the dark. No, me neither. The dark. That sounds racist. No, but that's not even it. Some white white girls have really dark areolas and I'm like,

it looks like rotten meat. Somebody just slapped some bologna on there with a hole in the middle. Yeah. And it was there for like two weeks. You need some new bologna. Yeah. I, I have to tell you for,

I had, I dated a girl who had, okay. Whenever Josh goes okay I'm like here we go so I was I was kissing her boobs

and I got one of my hairs in my mouth and I was like one of your hairs in there and I keep going so finally I go like this

and I pull back and it's in between my lips and I try to pull it and she goes ah and I go oh and it was long like this

and I go oh and she goes yeah that one's mine And I try to pull it and she goes, ah. And I go, oh. And it was long, like this. And I go, oh. And she goes, yeah, that one's mine. So I said to her, and she just had one. I said to her, I go, you want me to pull that? And she goes, no, I like it. It gives me character.

I'm like, that's not. No, that's not the right answer. No, no, no, no. I would have gone, boing. And I would have sprinkled it on the floor like Dennis. No, you got to do that girl a favor and pluck that thing out for her.

Jesus Christ. Here's the thing. Like, you know what's that girl a favor and pluck that thing out for her. Jesus Christ. Here's the thing. You know what's funny? I started to think about it because my buddy was like, man, that would have been a deal breaker for me. I'm like, really? You would have walked away from the table? No, you wouldn't have. It's funny you say that.

So just this week, this girl went viral. She made a list of nine things, her sex stipulations. And it was you can do this and you can't do that. And we talked about her list, but then we made our own like the male version of it with like the asterisk caveat like these are just preferences yeah if you because her list said if you violate any of these it was written like a contract so she said like sexual contact will be terminated our list was like if you violate these whatever yeah i'm still gonna fuck you but i would but if you want to my preferences here you go here's the list yeah i'm still gonna finish so it doesn't matter what's on the list but a hairy

nipple is not great but i'm not gonna walk out of the room okay let me let me ask you in your and i'll tell you mine a time where you lowered your standards to a point but this is typical guy stuff okay i'm messing around with a girl i got a good one by the way and girl We're both a little drunk And I go to push myself up And I push on her stomach And when I push on her stomach I must have hit the button Because she projectile vomited and shit at the same time

So she projectiled right in my face And you know that sound By the way I said I have a good one Like that sound Like that hard Wait wait wait, wait. What is making this sound? The projectile hitting you?

The projectile vomit hitting my face? Oh my God. It was like, and then, did you puke on her? Because I would have puked right on her face.

I didn't. I rolled off and I told her because I was 17 at the time. I was like, hey, I just want you to know I'm cleaning myself off. I'm like, you okay?

And all this stuff. I go, just so you know, not a deal breaker. We're going to finish this up here. I was like, you know, did my parents have a shower? Yeah, we could just go have some shower sex. Overrated, but in this know, not a deal breaker. We're going to finish this up here. I was like, you know, do my parents have a shower? Yeah, we can just go have some shower sacks. Overrated, but in this case, we're good.

She goes, it's a deal breaker for me. I was like, I know, I figured. I figured. I was just throwing it out there. I mean. I'm like, you're the one who threw up. Why is it a deal breaker? I can understand the idea.

Maybe you just want to cut bait and get the hell out of there. But I also think if this gentleman is being so kind after your volcano eruption out of both sides, I think you should let him finish. Something. At least deserve a little favor. Give me like a hand down or something. Give me your friend's number. Something somewhere. What's your best? Well, I was just thinking about lowering my

standards to... There was a girl in college my freshman year. Took me a while freshman year to get on the horse like a bunch of my buddies were all hooking up and i i was striking were you a virgin no i wasn't a virgin but it was just like i guess at that point i was newly single going to college i'd broken up with my ex my high school girlfriend uh she was great very much not a virgin after i started dating her you can attest to that she was just a slut Is that your high school girlfriend? No, but he just knows her. I was like, you look great, man.

So there was this girl who, she was, whatever, her face was fine. And we're at the bar, the Jolly Tinker on Webster Avenue in the Bronx. And once we start getting closer and chatting a little more, I'm like, you know, I got my hands like on our hip. I'm like, this just feels like weird. And it turned out she was used to be like enormously fat and trimmed down. She had a little she had like the skin. Oh, you know, and I don't know whether it was like surgery or or not. It was it was not good. Like a flying squirrel?

Yeah, I feel like you could throw her out of a plane and she would fly safely and land on the ground. That was a moment that was not great. Can you, and I just thought of this, I wonder, can you think of in your past when you were the person they were lowering their standards to?

Pretty much all the time, I think. I'm pretty sure there was definitely a couple. There was a girl. I can remember one for sure. There was a girl when I first started, not first started at Barstool, but when Barstool first started to pop a little bit, knock out blonde. Let me like comic book made up blonde hot chick. And the week I met her, we were throwing the Barstool New York launch party.

And I was trying to describe to her, like, Oh, I write this blog. And at this point, blogs and podcasts aren't even like a thing. So this girl's like, whatever me and my, my buddy, who was my wingman at the time, actually, it was a great story. He was originally talking to her. And this kid has the gift of gab girls just love them. Good looking, but he can just be funny. Yeah. Very funny, super witty, super quick. And I always used to just ride the wave with him, but he was talking to her. I was talking her girl her girlfriend who we affectionately nicknamed dino because she was as tall as a dinosaur he goes to the bathroom i like they say affectionate sure she thought of it he goes to the bathroom though and i just said fuck this and i just

swapped and he came back and was kind of like what what do you, what do you think you're doing here? And I was like, buddy, you've been winning for a long time. Like I'm taking this one. So she, she's like, you know, way out of my league as far as looks go.

And I'm already like even lucky to be in the game. And then she comes to this, the bar where we hold the party. And you know, I, at that point I felt like a rock star. It was the beginning of like barstool, you know what I mean?

And she was just like, Oh wow. Like you're, you're like, this is a big deal. It was the beginning of like barstool, you know what I mean? And she was just like, Oh wow. Like you're, you're like, this is a big deal. So all of a sudden I, I fight my way out of like that, you know,

she was stooping, you know, I kind of like, you're like John playing ground, getting out of raising Arizona, coming out of the ground, out of the prison. I'm like,

I'm out of here. Yeah. Like I'm building my way up. And then I couldn't get my dick hard and went right back down. Too much booze? Uh, no, no, you were just like, I don't deserve it. I was just like, I'm not my way up. And then I couldn't get my dick hard and went right back down. Too much booze? You were just like, I don't deserve it. I'm not good enough. I don't deserve it.

Yeah. And then she was just like, well, I'm done with this. I called her a couple times after that. There was no nothing. But then eventually. She was like, is this the dude who can't get hard? Yeah, basically. That was it.

And I remember at the time, this was probably like 2010. I wanted to be like babe it's 2010 we're still we're still doing that here you know it's not really your fault you know it just happens to guys we're still you're still gonna hold this against me god damn it and then you know what a few years later i ran into her again she packed on a lot of pounds so you know what i felt good fucking won that round you're but she was i was for sure the you're saying your dick had foresight? Yeah, my dick knew. It was like, you know what? You're actually better than her. This is not going to be. I'm going to retreat.

There was a girl. I, for a period of time, had a huge thing for Asian girls. And there was a girl when I was a freshman in college named Jennifer Chiba. That's funny. Her last name was Chiba. And she was this Asian girl who was just, I was like, there's no way she's going to have sex with me. Just like, why would you? I'm a freshman.

She's a senior. Yeah. She's like a, you know, when you're a freshman and they're seniors, you look at them as like grownups. Yeah, you're a boy and she's a woman. Right? Without a doubt. When you see the seniors, like you're like,

they're confident enough to walk around in sweatpants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the sign. Yeah, right? They're totally confident. She was like, and you know, the way she rolled a joint, I was like, yeah. That's the sign. Yeah, right? They're totally confident. She was like, and you know, the way she rolled a joint,

I was like, oh, she's been around. She's been around. But we were, she, and she was also, you know when those seniors

who've stopped hanging around with college people? Oh yeah, they moved on. They moved on. You know, it's the same thing

as the high school girls who had the college boyfriend. Exactly, exactly. Now the college girls have like the investment banker boyfriend who has a job. Yeah, they've moved on. Exactly on exactly yeah and you know what's funny

looking back like those i remember being like oh man she's dating like some like 24 year old with a job he was probably making like 30 grand and like but in my mind he was like a millionaire and a rock star and when the 26 year old came back to college and you're like hey grandpa yeah this guy he graduated he was four years older than me i remember he came back and uh we were like ordering pitchers of beer that were like four dollars and you were like i got it and me and my friends were like whoa the bar tab was probably like 160 bucks for like everybody and we were like whoa dude 160 at the time man yeah listen were you when somebody like when you were with your buddies in college, because, you know, there was that $2 pitcher, $4 pitcher.

And so, you know, you had $20 in your pocket. You were square. Yeah, it was like all you needed and then some. Like, it was also going to get me drunk food at the end of the night. Well, I went to college in San Antonio. So we used to go to a place called taco cabana for for late night food which was the best it's like it had 29 cent bean and cheese tacos 29 dip them in their queso so one night dude one night that you're prone to just push your stomach and have projectile everywhere

actually i used to work at a place called dick's last resort in san antonio and that was the first time i had sex with a really older woman. I was working the door. And she and her friends came down for a night of fun. And she kept coming over and flirting with me. And she was towards the end of my shift, she was like, hey, you want me to wait for you? And she was older. She had to be. How are we talking?

Like, difference in age? She had to be, I'm assuming now seeing as how I saw her as one foot in the grave, 35. Yeah. You know what I mean? I was like, she's going to die soon. Watch out, old bitch.

Yeah. I might as well give her some dick. She's about to die. But I remember she put me in her, at the time, the minivan. She had a minivan. Yes. And we drove to a park. And I remember moving toys out of the back seat.

Yeah, like you're in the car seat. And having sex with a grown woman in the back of a minivan in a park. That's a good one. That's a nice notch on the belt. Oh, at like 19? That's a great feeling. Are you kidding me? At that point, you're like, oh, I'm like a sexual fucking, I'm a king.

Are you? This is the best. But she, that was when I realized, oh, I really don't know how many I do and what I'm doing. Because at one point she even said, what are you doing? This was a question a couple of weeks ago. At what age do you think, it was a girl who called in who was just wildly frustrated. She's like, you can tell that whoever she's been fucking definitely doesn't know what they were doing.

She's like, at what age do you think you know? She actually said, you knew what you were doing. And I was like, I don't know. I still don't even know technically if I know what I'm doing. Women are so much, because you get to a point where you're like, you have to ask. Because some girls. I wish it was just open like that. But some girls like it slow, and some girls are like, punch me in the face. And you're like, well, if you make a mistake with the punch me in the face, you're going to jail.

So you really have to ask what the fuck the deal is. But then the asking is like, you know, that kind of kills the mood. Because then you feel like a schmo. Yeah, it's like, it's a little weird that I'm going to punch you in the face. But I get it. Everyone has, like, you know, their things. But if I have to say to you, can I, like, punch you in the face, well, then that's going to come across pretty unsexy.

Here's the thing. I remember, okay, there was one girl I dated. Well, not dated is the wrong word, but she enjoyed. That's a funny, you know, because the girl, that girl says you were dating. You were not. But she loved to have her clit sucked. Okay. The next girl I went out with.

Just blowing that clit. The next girl I went out with was like, that feels terrible. Yeah. Do not ever do that again. So I don't know. Like, I don't know. I went from the ultimate to the worst and I'm doing the same exact terrible. Yeah. Do not ever do that again. So I don't know. Like, I don't know. Right. I went from the ultimate to the worst. Yeah.

And I'm doing the same exact thing. Right. And that's where I ultimately tell you, girls, it's your fault. All right. If you can't get off, it's your problem. Yeah. Let me know because we've got one spot. Yeah.

Ours is so easy. Here's the one thing I want to say. Up, down, up, down. Yeah. With a various body part. I think it's bullshit that every woman feels like they're so good in bed. Why? Because you make us cum?

That's not the hardest thing in the world to do. Being good in bed as a chick means you just don't say the word no. Like, if you let me do a whole bunch of different shit, you're good in bed. Yeah, I'm on finish. I have to, like, physically perform. And I'm trying to grind and do circles and do ups and downs as well as in and outs i gotta switch up speeds i gotta hold myself up how's how's the breath how's your cardio terrible terrible well don't ask questions you know the answer to i just wanted to say how

embarrassing is it when you're not in good shape and you get like what you're sweating and you get winded i i have i'm not gonna lie to you there was a point in time. It's not right now because I'm dieseled right now. You are. But there was a time where I was in bad shape. And I remember thinking to myself, I'm not going to have sex with this girl because it's going to be embarrassing. Because a couple minutes in, I'm going to be like. You know, it's burning. It's burning.

Yeah, you become the sweaty, like the sweaty, drippy mess. And you're like, and that can't be attractive either, right? I've always, between that and trying not to come quickly, I'm a big time, like, let's stop and change positions. And it's not that I want to change positions. It's that I'm gassed or I'm about to come. So, you know, let's walk across the room to that couch over there. Like, why? Because I need a fucking minute.

Or you just need to bring the righty in out of the bullpen for at least just a couple minutes. Well, it's funny that you just use baseball. Because you know when the catcher cuts a foul tip off his dick and the umpire, he'll go brush the plate. And he'll take his time as a courtesy. That's what I need. I need those little breathers where it's like, can you just give me a moment here? We all know what's going on. But can you just courteously give me a moment? Here's what we should try to push out to people.

Um, and I think this would be great. And this is a nice way for guys to save face, but it's a nice way to say something and have a woman kind of take over. I think if you're having sex with your girl and you need a little break, I think you should just be able to lean into her ear and go brush the plate. And then it's her turn to do whatever she's yet. Yeah.

Just brush the plate. And then she gets to do I love it brush the plate because it's not embarrassing for us oddly sounds sexual in a way brush the plate just give her a little tip a whisper yeah even just maybe like a

hand signal of some sort like you know go to the pen whatever it may be just I need you to take over for a little bit cause you know what there are plenty of times there are plenty of times, there are plenty of times where sex is pretty much exclusively the guy doing the work, right? If you were to ever just start sex and the girl, just, hey, girl, get on top the entire time. Front way, back way, reverse this, reverse that, up and down. They would be like, this is too much work.

That's what it's like for us all the fucking time. It's hard. It's so much harder. Like, the problem is ultimately girls have to do weird things like put stuff in their butt and i feel for them on that here they kind of have a trump card it's almost like the same thing as childbirth yeah well you've never experienced childbirth yeah i know but that doesn't mean that all the other things are not tough for us same thing yeah you got to put shit in your butt but the other stuff for us is really hard i will say this though no you got to put shit in your butt, but the other stuff for us is really hard. I will say this, though. You got to put stuff in your butt and, to me, out of all the

sex things, the dick in the mouth seems like the worst one. It's pretty dirty. Because I know guys. I know guys. And look, if you think most dudes are taking a nice washcloth and cleaning that, that's not happening.

No, it's not. So, you know, they're taking one for the team. And then, you know, you're doing various things with your comments. We're sweaty masses, and it's gross. So I feel like they get a pass in the fact that, you know, things are being done to them. Right. But that also is like as long as you can just do that. It's pretty easy, yeah.

Which role would you rather have? Which role would you rather have? Things done to you, but less work, or more work. I'm a pretty lazy guy. I'm a pretty lazy guy. You go less work, things done to you.

I don't know. When I'm in the moment, I like to pretend I'm a male porn star. Do you have what you consider your best move? No. You don't even have something where you're like, if I'm going to call something, if I need something to really bring it home,

you don't have something where you're like, this is... I don't think I do. You don't have anything on the plus side? Are you kind in bed? No. No, no, no. See is this is what i've always said i just said this on the last podcast is that i know that physically my dick is not going to get

the job done like just my dick you know what i mean yeah so you need someone else's dick so i yeah i definitely again if i could like be like blindfold you and have someone swap in you know that'd be the best like a designated hitter type thing. That wouldn't bother you at all? No, of course it would. But I don't have the self-confidence of that. Me neither. But I'll make my money just the aura surrounding it. So will the dick in and out really get the job done?

No. But I'll be doing, you know, whether you want to be punched in the face or whatever. I'll do all that shit. You're game for all that stuff. So I'll paint the picture and get you in the vibe and in the mood. And then hopefully, basically, I'll just stay still while you get on top. Actually, you know what? That's my go-to move.

I will stay perfectly still and kind of lift my pelvis a little bit so it gets all the way in. And then you take it away from there. And just concentrate on not coming. Yes. And that I feel like I can do. If you're really going to work, I will just close my eyes and be like, Can you believe that fucking Terry Collins back in 2015 actually let that guy stay in in the eighth inning when he was totally out of gas?

I will figure that out. That's my move. Listen, everybody's going to have a move. Yeah, that's it. That's the one for me. I feel like, you know, it's important to find what your wheelhouse is and kind of play to those strengths. Oh, yeah, man.

Don't try to be something. It's like, you know, this idea that some dudes will, like, fucking pick a chick up and, like, have sex with her while she's in the air. I can't carry you for, like, two seconds. I'm not even going to attempt anything in the air. I'm going to just put you on your back. That seems like a bit of a show-off situation. Absolutely. That's not enjoyable for anybody, I don't think.

No one's getting their best effort. No one's getting their most enjoyment. No, and even if I wanted to do that, I don't think I could either. But, like, it seems like, here's the deal. I want sex to be fun. I don't necessarily want it to be work. Right. Oh, yeah, no.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I don't mind. If afterwards I'm, like, cramping up and my muscles are shaking, I'm like, this is stupid. That's like the idea when I had buddies who were like. I don't mind. If afterwards I'm like cramping up and my muscles are shaking, I'm like, this is stupid. That's like the idea when I had buddies who were like, I fucked her for an hour. I'm like, that sounds terrible. That sounds like the worst hour of my life.

Was it like eight or nine times? What are we talking about here? What are you doing? And how are you? But an hour seems like, you ought to concentrate on figuring out how to shorten that a little bit. Yeah, that means you're just, you're not working efficiently at all. You're not doing your job. Yeah. An hour?

Nothing should take an hour. Like, nothing in the world. I'm not doing your job. Yeah. An hour. Nothing. Nothing should take an hour. Like nothing in the world. I'm not in the gym for an hour. Right. And that's like a workout. Yeah. Your entire body. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. An hour is. Now, how are you feeling about your Mets, man? We talked a little bit about it. You know, I'm a Sox fan. So we both were off to a great.

You're cruising. I mean, I don't believe. I don't believe the Red Sox start, by the way. Just so you know. Well, that's. This is why baseball is so stupid. You play 250,000 games in a season. So, you know, you can have an unbelievable 20 or 30 game start.

And all of a sudden, you know, you lose like five or six, eight or 10. You play 500 ball over the course of like two, three weeks. And all of a sudden you're 500 team. It's just like I hate baseball. I fucking hate it. You know what's funny too is if you went 13-2 in a 15 game stretch in August, fucking huge.

You do it in April, it just doesn't mean anything. All of a sudden you look up and the Nationals are right behind you and the Yankees are all of a sudden playing just as well as the Mets are and it's like, wait a minute, what happened here? And it's all just because you had a bad week. Yankees. If you were going to rank the four major sports, I i don't think i even know as as like my fandom yeah baseball far and away like number one yeah like if i could pick a uh you know uh one of my teams

to win it is a mets world series over all the other ones combined is it is it not close not even close i mean that that will change my life forever. Wow. You know, a Jets Super Bowl would be, I actually personally. It's kind of funny just saying those. Yeah, that's just. I personally, basketball was like the sport that I played and really loved growing up. And I feel like the Knicks have been so bad.

But if the Knicks were good, the city would actually be behind one team for a change, instead of split up the way they are football and baseball. I think, by the way, and I don't know New York as well as I know Boston, but I think New York is a basketball city. It is, but it just, we don't have anything, you know, when the Knicks get good, it's the city, because I think it's the only time we're all together. Everyone, you know, no matter what, half the city, or, you know, in some cases, you know, 40, 30% when it's the Mets or jets, cause there's just more Yankee and giants fans are hating when it's,

when those teams are good, the Knicks are good. Everybody can get behind it. So I think personally, I would like to see a Knicks championship, but professionally because of the Patriots and Boston and all that shit here, a jet Superbowl would have to come second only because it would throw this entire company pure fucking chaos.

Like, I don't even know who could like continue to operate. Things would shift so wildly. It's actually crazy for me to think of like, again, personally, I want to just see these championships because I've grown up watching sports and I want to see my teams win. But professionally, I would be a totally different person

if my teams won. If I was a Yankees Giants fan at Barstool Sports and I won in 2009, the Yankees World Series, that was my team. And the Giants beat the Patriots twice. I was going head to head with Portnoy. My entire persona and personality and everything would be wildly different. All because of, you know, other grown men playing a game. Isn't it bananas that you are fans of teams in the biggest market in the world and they've for so long they

can't get out of it and you're in a city because this is what i always say about la the lakers will never be bad for very long because players want to play there right people want to play in miami people want to play in new york yeah how is the team so i don't even know if they do anymore because like the owner is that bad like i i think people don't want to play for James Dolan. You think that's what it is? I really do. It's so dysfunctional and he's such a lunatic that it's like, yeah, I could go live in a penthouse overlooking Central Park

and be the king of New York, but this fucking little Ewok son of a bitch James Dolan ain't worth it. He's so bad. Until he dies or gets rid of this team. By the way, meanwhile, in Boston, the Celtics, I think, have this team. By the way, they got no shot. Meanwhile, in Boston, the Celtics, I think of the best young coach.

Yeah, they do in almost any sport to think about what he's done with that talent to, to go from college to the pros seamlessly, very tough to do. And he's doing it like at a very high level. It's wildly impressive. If you take him, Belichick,

and I love Cora. I love him. I'm,'m i feel really good i bought into cora for a hardcore i wanted him for the mets really bad but i knew no again because of the ownership and whatnot no one's coming to the mets over boston when the yankees and red sox got in that brawl and he was in the dugout i don't remember which player it was but he was like get the fuck out of here shut the fuck up yeah that's a guy who was playing not too long ago and wants back out on that. But just so you know, if you're going to pick a team to get in a fight with,

the one that has Judge and Stanton on it, not the team that I think I would fight. I was going to say, I liked, I'm rooting for Boston in that fight, but I got to give it up to Judge for keeping his cool and being like, I could have just squashed you at any moment if I wanted to. I could have punched a hole in your chest and shit in it.

I just held you in a headlock. He was probably like, yeah, I can shit in your chest. Yeah, yeah. He was like, hey, little fella. Hey, here's what's going to happen. I could pop your head off like a Pez dispenser or you could chill out a little bit. Yeah, right. Like which you pick.

Yeah. You let me know. But he and Stanton had that guy. But those are two monsters. You know, Stanton went to high school right near my house in California. Okay. And the legend of the balls that he hit in high school, because the football field, he went to a place called

Notre Dame High. Football field is right behind. That he was hitting the ball out of the baseball stadium, over the bleachers, and into the football field. So it went over the fucking stands. I mean, i believe it because at that point too you're playing with metal bats yeah which that's that's been our uh our movement

by the way to help spice baseball up metal bats you get one player like a designated metal bat guy like a designated hitter and he gets there with a metal bat listen to this and i'm gonna put him on blast right now hey joe kelly joe kelly and i are have a little bet okay that i can't he doesn't think i can hit one out of Fenway. With a metal bat? Well, I said, let me use a metal bat. And he was like, nah. God, if you wouldn't.

Listen, at my age, and I'm not a professional. Don't you think so? Yeah, I mean. My handicap is a little. You've been at the gym, bro. I mean. But the gym doesn't mean that I can hit a ball over the green monster. No, it certainly does not.

It certainly does not. Did you, you played though. I played college baseball. Yeah, yeah. So that's a big difference. I think you give a Joe Schmo like me, I don't think I have a shot at all. No, but I mean, you know, the thing about the monster, too, are you a righty or lefty? Righty.

Yeah, so I mean, you just got to get the right lift on it. Like, it's not a far wall. You got to get high enough. How hard does he throw? Well, I'm not hitting it off of him. Shit, he throws 100. I was going to say. No, no, no. It's the BP guy. But he even said, he goes, maybe I'll throw some BP. I'm like, no,

because you can put it where you want it, and if you hit me with a ball, I'm going to be really mad. But, you know, I... So my bet is that, but with an aluminum Batman... Get that ping. You hit it in the right spot. See ya. I think, if I hit one over the Green Monster, first of all, there's a chance that an aluminum Batman. Get that ping. You hit it in the right spot. See ya. I think, if I hit one over the Green Monster, first of all. That's got to be a great feeling.

There's a chance that I would jerk off on that one. There's a chance. There's a chance I would brush that point. Yeah, no, that's like a bucket list. Like, I could die happy right there. Have you not taken BP with the meds? No, well, that's, I mean, you know, again, king of skinny fat here. My body's a disaster.

That's one of those things I would rather just not even do because it would go so poorly that it would just ruin it. I wonder what your brother does. It would need to be like just us on the field. Yeah. Yeah, if I could do that and like literally no one else was around. Have you not thrown out a first pitch over there yet? No. Why aren't you making the phone calls?

Well, the thing is I relentlessly bash the Mets too. I don't know if they really like that. Right. That's a really good point. That's a really good point. They might not really allow that to be perfectly honest. I threw't know if they really like that. Right. That's a really good point. It's a really good point. They might not really allow that, to be perfectly honest. I threw out the first pitch at Fenway. Feel good? Did you throw a strike?

Yes. Did you throw it from the rubber? I practiced for... I threw it from the rubber in Tampa and I threw it from the rubber in Oakland. In Oakland, I got booed. Really? Okay. That's a little bit much. I'm walking out in Boston. this was perfect because I'm a lifelong Massachusetts native. My dad's there.

It was his birthday. My son was there. They were on the field. Yeah, it's a moment. And they're like, please welcome comedian, lifelong Massachusetts native, lifelong Red Sox fan. Dream come true for this young man. Please put your hands together for John Wolfe. And I turned over

and my son looked at me and he went, just gave me the thumbs down. I was like, it's good. So we go to Oakland because I want to throw out the first pitch everywhere. And the Oakland lady was like, oh, hey, there's going to be two people throwing out pitches. So someone's going to go right in front of you, but you're headlining. And I was like, no, no. You have an opener? Yeah.

Now we're spinning this? So as we meet up with the other people who were throwing the first pitch, and I shake this guy's hand and I'm like, how are you? And he goes, good. Captain John Tuttle. That's just something. And I go, oh, shit. One of those. You've got a story. I was like, I don't know. When you've got a purple heart or something.

Medal of honor. He's like, I'm throwing the first pitch. I haven't thrown in a little while. I'm a little rusty. And I was like, oh, here it comes. So he's walking out to the pitcher's mound. And they start to introduce him. Please welcome the most decorated airman in the – Dude, his intro lasts from the third baseline to the mound. But it's all accolades about he saved more American lives.

Beat cancer four times with his bare hands like he's all these things about how he saved lives he's ran more rescue missions than any american ever please you're welcome american war hero john tunnel the whole place goes right right when he steps on the mound. And he throws this. Yeah, of course. Seed right across the plate. Dude, it hits the mitt. And I was like, no.

And I was with my son again. He looks at me and he goes, you're in trouble. Another thumbs down. Yeah, he goes, you're in trouble. So I start. In Oakland, they're a little brutal. Yeah, I mean, they're not exactly. The Bay Area folks are not exactly the kindest. So I start.

They go, please welcome. And I start to step over the third base line. Please welcome, ready for my intro, Josh Wolfe. And before my foot can hit the ground, my intro's over. That guy that you saw on that show, Chelsea, and then maybe, other than the time, where's the backwards hat

a lot? Before my, so as I'm walking to, there's no other announcement, and the booze just starts to grow. Ooh. So by the time I get to the mound and wave my hand, it's full on. You should have just done double middles. Fuck you guys. But I threw a BB.

Good. You got it. I mean, that's. But, you know, you got booed the entire on the field and off. At least you didn't bounce it or something. I've actually thought if I got the chance to do it, would I 50 cent it just to go viral?

What if you just airmail it? What am I really here to do? Have a nice moment? Sure. Or, professionally, let's make it the best fucking internet clip of the year. And then you also can have no pressure because you can be like, hey buddy, I did that on purpose. Who's your least hated team?

Who's your most hated team? The Yankees. So what if the Mets were playing the Yankees and you run them out and throw out the first pitch and you just rifle the ball into the dugout and then just wave them on like that? Oh, I mean, you would go viral. And you just...

Maybe go to jail, too. You get a crow hop into the dugout. You just did it like you were throwing it from center field. Just like, ah! Big whoopie. Sorry, I thought that was how I was supposed to do it, man. Wave them a crow hop into the dugout. You just did it like you were throwing it from center field. Just like, ah! Big whoopie. Sorry, I thought that was how I was supposed to do it, man. Wave him on. Bring Cespedes out there.

Are you not entertained? Who you got in a fight, Cespedes or Stanton? Oh, Cespedes. I don't think Stanton. Stanton's a big guy, but I don't think he's got... Cespedes or Judge? Yeah, Judge is a freak. Judge is like Colossus from X-Men.

You know, he's just like... He really is he's you think judge take if you were going to do a free-for-all in baseball is judge the winner of the battle royale if we did a wwe battle royale for baseball is judge the winner who else is in that group trying to get like sheer size and also like craziness justin boore down in miami is a big fucker i've seen him around I'm trying to think of somebody who's kind of a short and squadier person who might be hard to get over, like a

catcher. Sanchez is kind of a big dude, right? Yeah, he's got some density to him. Yeah, like Molina? Yeah. I gouge you, too. He's got razor blades under his tongue and shit like that. That's not there. He's got a whole shank, yeah. I might take Molina in the baseball battle.

Those guys, that whole family, the Molina family. Yeah. They just roll deep. They got like a drug cartel going and like, are you telling me they shouldn't get into the luchador wrestling? Yeah. The Malina, the travel, the flying Molina's, but they're not flying those fat fucks. They're going underneath the bottom rope, but cause there's three of them, right?

There's like 10 of them. There was, I mean, I think there was three that played, there's like 10 of them there was i mean i think there was three that played but i i think they go and alfred melina was doc ock and spider-man wasn't he there's they they own all sorts of they're in all sorts of industries i think i take what's the melina for the cardinals what's which one got here i think i take and he's a motherfucker too like he would yeah he would play dirty and he would fight to the death. Is there a Puig? Seems crazy. He might be...

Yeah, he's a big, jacked Cuban. He's not a terrible idea. I mean, he's a pitcher, so he doesn't have that instinct, but Syndergaard stands at, like, 6'6", 240. He's a fucking specimen. But you know what? Some of those... Like, if you...

Like, in the back of the day, I'd have taken maybe a Rob Dibble, like one of those crazy dudes. Yeah, you almost need, like, someone out of the in the back in the day i had to pay i had to take it maybe a rob dibble like one of those crazy yeah you almost need like someone out of the papillon who's yes like a fucking one-eyed circles like this all the time i remember uh there was a yankees brawl in the 90s and i think it was graham lloyd came fucking running in like the ultimate warrior running down the ramp and he just like hit someone like that and then did like a backhand he was like just hitting anybody in sight guys in the bullpen who are just sitting there all day, probably in that era too, just I'm on steroids for no reason. I'm not even going to get into this game. I haven't pitched in a week, but I'm just ready to fucking go.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Eric Gagne was. I mean, those guys. I think. Okay. So if I'm going, I think a battle royale is 12 people. So I'm going to think about this later today.

But if I'm going to fill it in. You got to like do it. are we doing current or throughout history? Because you know who I'm really taking over doing throughout history? Albert Bell. Oh, without a doubt. Give me him on his steroids. Sheffield? Yeah, yeah.

Those guys. I mean, Albert Bell, I think, forget about like baseball. I think Albert Bell in his prime, again, on steroids could be like in the UFC. I think he could kill a man. If you're going with Albert Bell, then you got to to, I mean, I put Canseco in there. Yeah, Canseco on the wire, the Bash Brothers at that. Canseco is the ultimate warrior.

Like if you put the ultimate warrior paint, the mullet, and he's just as smart. Yeah, he really was just destined to be a wrestler and for some reason got a baseball bat in his hands and the rest is history.

It was a coin flip. Do you ever follow him on Twitter? Oh yeah, he's the greatest. When he does his hug for you stuff too. I mean, it's sad because it's like, you know, the steroids have clearly eaten away your brain. Yeah. And you don't have much else. And you got like blackballed because of snitching and all that.

But it is wildly entertaining. He's wildly entertaining. He might be my favorite. One of my own. And be one of my favorite athlete. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

He's he is because he's kind of still unaware, too, he's not playing up the character, he's just blissfully Jose. He was a complete, when my son was like eight or nine, we were at a bowling alley, and he was there with another guy and two women, and my son is a huge baseball fan, and he was like, hey, I want to go ask him his photograph.

And I'm well aware of how that goes, and proper, and etiquette, and all that stuff. Yeah, you don't want that. Yeah. So I said, hey, man, just wait until he goes to get him a drink or maybe if he goes to the bathroom when he's coming back when he's by himself. But don't go up in. And he was like, my son's been in it. He knows my friends. He understands.

So I walk up with him. And I'm not saying anything. I just, you know, make sure everything's okay. And he goes, Mr. Canseco, I'm a big fan. And he had a piece of paper and a pen. He goes, will you just sign this for me? And Canseco goes, no sure everything's okay. And he goes, Mr. Canseco, I'm a big fan. And he had a piece of paper and a pen. He goes, will you just sign this for me? And Canseco goes, no, I will not. And just walks back to the lane.

Oh, what a dick. I'm happy that ball bounced off your fucking head, you loser. And I was like. Really, dude? I would want to, like, smash him in the bowling ball. And by the way, I used to hammer him on Twitter because of it. Yeah. Until he said an apology to my son on Twitter. Did he?

Good. He was like, I'm really sorry that happened. Good. Yeah, and I've let him go since then. Yeah. But like, what a dick. Yeah, that's such a dick move. And I understand there are certain things where it's like, if I take one picture, everyone's

going to want it. Yeah, I know that. I sign one autograph, everyone's going to want it. But even if it, like, say that, like. You were also, he's past that point in his career. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you're at a bowling alley with these strangers. So you don't have that. But even if you did have that, you know, just say like, maybe on my way out, I'll get you

or not right now, but just to be like, no, I walk away. Yeah. Like get the fuck out of here, man. That is not the way to go. No. Are your, have you started, are you going to push your kids into Mets, Jets, Knicks? I go back and forth on it, man. I don't want to, I don't want to curse them with that

I feel like what I want to do is give them a list of you can't I can't have you rooting for the Yankees or the Patriots everyone else is fair game those are the can'ts maybe like the Phillies would be a problem the Nationals would be a problem

Braves, maybe like the NL East is off limits and the Patriots you want your kids rooting for the Dolphins? Well here's the thing they're not going to pick the Dolphins so I don't even need to put them on the list I just can't have you rooting for a couple of these no fly zone type of teams

and the rest I feel like go ahead because it's been terrible it's been awful it's literally made my life less happy When my son was probably eight, we live in LA, and he came home from school, and he's walking up the driveway, and I see him. He's walking up with a Kobe Bryant jersey on. You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And he starts to walk up. I'm like, hey, buddy. And he goes, hey. And I go, where'd you get that jersey? He goes, I won it at a fair at school. And I go, oh, that's great. He goes, yeah, it's cool. Throw it in the fucking garbage.

Yeah, he goes, it's Kobe Bryant. I go, I see that. And he starts to walk past me. I go, where are you going, man? He goes, I'm going inside. I go, well, you. He goes, yeah. Let's throw it in the fucking garbage. Yeah, he goes, it's Kobe Bryant. I go, I see that. And he starts to walk past me. I go, where are you going, man? He goes, I'm going inside. I go, well, you can't wear that in the house. You can wear that with your buddies and wherever you want, but not in these as long as I'm paying for the roof over your head, it's my rule. My oldest son is in the army

and he's a Republican. My daughter was a bisexual for a long time. Yeah, I was going to say anything else. You can pick your religion. You want to transition. You can do whatever you want. Can't pick your sports teams. No, you can't.

Not in my house you can't pick your sports teams. I don't care who you fuck, who you vote for, any of that shit. But if your team sucked like mine, would you bestow that upon them? Yeah, because my team sucked for a long time. And they will suck again. Right. That's the thing. But mine are going to suck for eternity.

It's condemning them to a life of no fun with sports. Do you think Mark... I'm a neurotic asshole because of it. Do you think Mark Sanchez called Sam Donovan and was like, I'm so sorry? I mean... Hey, Sam, this is not going to go well. Just so you know, go ahead and start packing. This is not going to go well.

Start plan B. Get it going. We had the Dos Equis guy in here the other day, the most interesting man in the world. The new one or the old one? The real one, the old one, yeah. What's he doing now? He owns a tequila, and he's basically being the most interesting man in the world

for the tequila that he owns. I love that. Does not know, I mean, literally does not know a single thing about sports, and you can tell because he's so happy. He's in shape. He's got a's so happy he's got he's in shape he's got a nice tan he's got this silver fox beard got a bottle of tequila in his hand and he's just like i live in vermont and i go fishing and it's great and i'm like yeah man you have you

are at you have inner peace and happiness because you don't sit around and worry about like the blowing a game in the middle of fucking april their bullpen. So as Mets and Jets and Knicks, when the playoffs come for the, say, the NBA playoffs, who are you rooting for? Are you rooting against people or for people? Yeah, well, like baseball and football, I usually have always been able to root against the Yankees and the Patriots, so I still have a vested interest in the playoffs because I just become my favorite. I've always said my favorite baseball teams are the Mets and whoever's playing the Yankees, you know, basketball, I can do a little more like, uh, just like watching superstars and appreciating a good series. And like, I don't root for him, but

right now I want to watch James Harden do James Harden things. I can watch LeBron and I'll, you know, Dave hates LeBron. So I kind of watch it with an eye of like, you know, uh, arguing against that. Yeah. Basketball is a little more like free form. Cause it's just, there's just no chance of the Knicks ever being good anytime soon. I just root for the sport. I'm the exact opposite. I hate watching James Harden. If he was on the Celtics,

I may never watch the Celtics again. Really? But you want to watch the team game? You want to see them pass the ball and all that shit? I just hate him as a player. I mean, he's not a very likable guy, but when he... He's outstanding. When you get an isolation on him like they switch off a pick and he knows he has a mismatch and he just takes a couple steps back and that's just you're a dead man walking it's just like you know don't fall over just don't fall over don't fall over you know like it is

unguardable and what's weird too is like you look at what russell westbrook he's like a physical specimen lebron james some of these guys were super fast. James Harden is not physically like those guys. It's what I always said about Paul Pierce. I'm like, how does he get a shot off? Right. And the fact that even Kyrie, the way he has handles, he looks like an N1 tour.

James Harden has that, but it doesn't look like he's a... Until you see it happen, it doesn't look like the type of guy who's going to do that. Dude, I was saying the same thing. And he's like Paul Pierce but times ten. I used to always be like, how is Pierce getting separation? He's slow as dirt. And I watched James Harden

and you're talking about Westbrook and these other guys where physically... Just the explosiveness. You see them. It's like, remember when you used to watch Deion Sanders and you're like, he's just faster than everybody. There's an extra level. Yep. I don't look at James Harden and I'm like, he's blowing people away physically. Right, it makes no sense. It makes no sense to me.

I just don't think you win with a guy who's the best player who doesn't play defense. Yeah, I mean, he doesn't even consider the other side of the court. I just don't think you can win that way. Okay, so when they're retired, it's all said and done. And say neither one of them wins a ring, okay? Who do you think is, who has a better career, Harden or Chris Paul? Who's a better player, Harden or Chris Paul? I feel like we're about to see James Harden, you know,

win an MVP and do some shit for a long time. I feel like Chris Paul is going to have that. to see James Harden, you know, win an MVP and do some shit for a long time. I feel like Chris Paul is going to have that. I mean, I guess, you know, if James Harden doesn't win one, he'll get that as well. I feel like Chris Paul right now has this moniker of like playoff disappearing. So will James Harden, though. Yeah, he will. I feel like we're going to see MVP type shit from James Harden. So you think at the end of the day, 20 years from now, when their careers are over, people will

look back and be like, James Harden was a better basketball player than Chris Paul? I think so. I go back and forth on that because there's no doubt he's a better scorer. Right. And unguardable. Right. Chris Paul's a point guard. He's running the show. He plays defense. Yeah. He does. He makes some people. But a lot of that

is, you know, in the world of the NBA, is not very highly regarded. You know, it's like a lot of that is like uns know, in the world of the NBA is not very highly regarded. You know, it's like a lot of that is like unsung hero type shit where it's like James Harden's going to put you on the floor. He's a highlight reel shit, you know? Yeah. And Chris Paul certainly has his moments when he was younger, but you're not going to get much of that.

Whereas James Harden's SportsCenter top 10 type shit. And that's what matters in the NBA. Every night. Yo, I'll tell you something. As a Celtics fan, every time Tatum goes up and skies over somebody in dunks and Jalen Brown. And then I'm like, what they're playing without Irving and Haywood? I know. And then you get Brad Stevens to put it all together when they all come back.

Well, buddy, I mean. Could be scary. Yeah. You know what I'm going to do to just make you feel better? I was going to say, fuck you, man. Because I don't have even one of those guys to talk about. So I'm just going to go back. And just as fun, because I got some time this afternoon before my shows, is I'm just going to go back over the last 10 years and just write down the records of the Mets and the Jets and the Knicks.

And then I'll just put them next to the Patriots and the Red Sox and the Celtics. And just so you can kind of see that some cities really enjoy their time with their sports teams. And you know what? If you ever want to watch a team win, I invite you to Fenway if you want to come with me to Fenway. Or you want to go to Gillette? I'll take us to Gillette, and we can walk around. You can also go fuck yourself. You can take your dick and actually put up your own ass.

You know what? I'm not going to lie to you. Tried that before. Didn't work. No, no. I was like, does this reach? Nope, that doesn't reach. I mean, you got to try everything once.

As always, it's a pleasure until you're a dick like that and you ruined it. Buddy, you know what? I do. Your show is one of the very few podcasts that I listen to. Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah. I want to rebrand your show, by the way.

It's currently called Prince and the Wolf. He's with Freddie Prinze Jr. I think it should be called former or sex icon and not sex icon. Which one is which? Yeah. I think you know, pal. Yeah. I think you know, buddy.

Do you know what's the best thing about Freddie? It's that somebody will give him a hard time online and it'll be just this dude and he doesn't give a fuck. But what I love the most about him is that he's not a typical celebrity who are like, well, you know, I'm not gonna respond to them.

I'm not gonna feed the trolls. He goes in on people. This one guy said something. He goes, listen, man, no matter what you think about me, your girlfriend wants to fuck me.

And he said, on top of that, I'm going to go twice on you. Your mom had a poster of me on her wall. That's so when she was your age trump card oh my god like you're your women in your life masturbate to me all the time i'm freddie fucking prince he said your two most important women in your life would rather fuck me and guess what i might have fucked yeah because in the 90s i ran through anyone in sight but anybody could get it he, dude. Anybody could get it. He's so funny. He has such great stories.

Yeah, oh, I can imagine. Great. And, you know, not only that, but just his dad. Yeah, for sure. His dad, you know, there's no George Lopez or Paul Rodriguez without his dad. But it's a great, it's a lot of fun podcast. And also, I'm starting to do a TV show slash podcast on Twitch. Did I tell you about that?

The Twitch world is, that's that next thing, man. So it's called Controlled Chaos, and it's really just, it's got a very Pee Wee's Playhouse feel to it. It's really weird. You're like a creepy pervert. I get it. Yeah, dude. Last week.

Yep, that's it. That's what it is. That's what I'm going for. I'm trying, anyways. Last week we had like Bert Kreischer on, and he told some of the best stories. And I saw you had Brendan in here the other day. Yeah.

Yeah. I, I, Bert said he wants to come on the show next time he's out in New York because we, we've done Ari Shafir a couple of times and I feel like his whole crew is, would fit in very well with this show. And like,

uh, that's, that's the next gang that I kind of want to get down with. You would love to have. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Bert's a funny guy. What the fuck is that? Uh, that looks like a chunk of insulation that came out of the wall. This place sucks. It's a piece of shit. OK, it's a real piece of trash. There's not some, you know, rich people, bougie Hollywood stuff.

I'm sorry. West Coast soft fucking cream cheese in the oven over here. Just so you know, I'm not as high as I was last time. Well, no one has ever been as high as you were the last time you came here. But there are a lot of half buildings out there, dude. I'm still. I still was like, I'm not there yet. That was so funny.

Grown man just getting lost in the fucking streets. I was like, there's another half building. Why is it 16 and a half? Yeah, dude. It was fucked me up. But we're here. And I appreciate you having me. Of course.

Anytime, brother. Great stuff. Brandon, can you pull up YouTube for me? Because we need Kevin's musical of the day. Musical of the day. Where do you want to put it in? I don't like him hearing it. Because then he can already make judgments about the...

The song is going to just be like... It's going to be like Gangster's Paradise from that movie. It's a movie and it's music. It's a musical. No big deal. Let's see what dumb bitch boy has for me today. Let's see what gay show tune comes up now. All right, all right.

That's what I'm talking about. Clearly this has to be Hamilton. Hamilton is just like a rap record. In honor, Angelica Skylar. A toast to the groom. To the groom. To the groom. To the groom.

To the bride. To the bride. To the bride. From your sister. Angelica. Angelica. Who is always by your side. By your side be by your side

To your union To the revolution And the hope that you provide To where you always Be satisfied Rewind Rewind Rewind Rewind Rewind Rewind

Rewind Rewind Rewind Rewind Rewind This is not a musical, bro. This is just a rap song. This is just a rap song. musical, bro. This is just a rap song.

This does not count as a musical. Bites really likes musicals. He knows all the words to like every song. It's rather impressive. This is not a game. You strike me as a woman who has never been satisfied. I'm sure I don't know what you mean. You forget yourself.

You're like me. That doesn't count. 0 for 3.