KFC Radio - KFCradio: Say Anything

Episode Date: May 22, 2018

KFC is out of Twitter jail and Feitelberg is the Bane of Internet Hate. Would you rather have $1M now or $100 everytime you masturbate? Voicemails include: do I know you from a Threesome? How to quit, no eyes or no clit, paralyzed or crazy, monkey trainer and ate her brownies. Episode presented by:Spotify kfcradio.com/spotifyLittle Bits littlebits.com/kfcLeesa $160 off leesa.com/barstoolZipRecruiter ziprecruiter.com/kfcDollar Shave Club $5 off at dollarshaveclub.com promo code: KFCYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Did you know that absolutely every single episode of KFC Radio is now on Spotify? Yep, the same app that has millions of songs, the same app that every single Friday Keith breaks you off with his picks for Best New Music Friday, the same app that has bajillions of streams now has thousands of podcasts. You can listen to all your favorite shows and maybe discover some new ones.

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Podcasts are on Spotify. They're streaming right now and now and now and now and now and then and then and then and next time and next time. Always streaming constantly. KC Radio on Spotify. Let. Free at last. Free at last. Thank God almighty, I am free at last after a harrowing 12-hour Twitter bid. Twitter jail bid. 12 hours isn't that bad. No, it's not. Especially considering I just flipped over to KFC Radio.

But it's also the best that 12 hours is like going to jail for a night. You get to taste the vid. you get to say you did it. Yeah. You've been, you've been a badass. You know, you, you know, you fuck with the law a little bit. You overstep the boundaries here and there. So you get that, that sense of, of accomplishment and toughness, but also like it didn't really suck.

Yeah. You didn't really, you know, I actually was kind of nice. It was like, Oh, you know what? It's funny. I flipped over the KFC radio, uh, uh account and like there's just that many less followers right now and the interaction was just not quite as much there and i realized just how much the anonymous input of strangers affects me i was like it's like no one's even responding i don't know like what people don't care about me what the the fuck is this? Why am I not getting responses on my completely insignificant opinions?

What's going on here? What's going on right now? Yeah, I got to make, you know, make a little response video. Logan had people with the hashtag free KFC. It was, you know, fun little fun little thing. But that all being said. It's the principle that matters here. And I was suspended from Twitter for 12 hours for the tweet,

please jump. That's it. Sure, we'll talk about context in a moment. But the point remaining, I wasn't dropping a racial slur. It was not any hate speech. It was the word please, which is actually a very polite word. And jump. A simple activity that many, many people do. It's something Chris Traeger does. In fact,

Chris Traeger, Parks and Rec, he jumps to keep himself from getting sad. So what you were saying is I'm actually very polite and I'm encouraging people to be happy. Don't do that. Don't do what you're threatened to do. Just jump to be jumping and keep and prevent sadness.

Sounds like we might be on a jump to conclusions, Matt, where we're assuming all sorts of things. Twitter. Now, the context behind it. Someone tweeted me. Actually, can I pull that up? Or is that like deleted now? Like totally like my tweet. Did you have to delete it to get back on?

Yeah. So he said something to the effect, I'll paraphrase here, said, I hate your tweets so much that when I read them, it makes me want to jump off of a bridge. Big fan. Big fan. Follows me. Follows me.

I hate when people are like, yeah, but like you follow me, bro. It's like, that's not, you know, people hate follow all all the time and whatnot but if you're telling me that literally every time you read something you're like i can't take this like you probably should just unfollow uh simply i simply responded like okay you should do that i and i just don't see the problem you want to tell me you want to explain to me how much you hate me and how everything I do makes you want to kill yourself. Well, I'm not going to. What do you want me to do? Apologize? First of all,

here are my list of options. Apologize? Not happening. Not respond to that? Also not happening. You can't say something that ridiculous and expect me not to say anything. And then three, tell him to kill himself. Well, guess what?

Number three is the option. Was it a response or a quote tweet? It was a quote tweet. It was a quote tweet. Got to get that out there to as many people as possible. Needed many people to see that almost to, if there are any others out there, let them know as well. And I am feeling over the years there's been a little bit of a movement

bubbling, percolating underneath, under the surface that you know it's not funny to tell people to kill themselves and I'm here to tell you that's incorrect. It's so incorrect it's very funny to overreact to things and say and promote suicide

I don't understand where the why there's no uh why the humor of that is completely gone now people have been killing themselves forever i don't know why you know yeah of course it's sad when somebody actually kills themselves but there's all sorts of sad things that are then used in comedy and used in jokes it's been a part of my brand for a long long time it's not going anywhere i'm sorry it's like and the thing with that too is like i'd read something like that but yeah you and me both, dude. Like, yep.

Yeah. That's everything you say makes me kill myself. Yeah. Same. All sorts of things. Welcome to the party, pal. I mean, every day I wake up and my boy, this is not this is not worth doing. This is not worth doing anymore.

It's I get when it's really bad. If something like if there's like, you know, like one of those like 4chan armies or whatever, they start flooding someone's inbox with like, kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. And it's like some new reporter who doesn't understand how the world works. But we were talking too hard in vets of the Internet here. I mean, like, it's crazy to say that like a 29 year old, like I'm a veteran of the Internet. But like, oh, my God, you are a veteran of the game. I've been here for 10 years. I'm a vet.

You're not only that, though, like the era in which you were born, like you're Bane. Like I was born into darkness. I was born into Internet smut, Internet violence. I mean, that's where we became who we are. And like two pieces of shit, Internetumbags and and an internet troll are mixing it up talking about killing themselves like if you open the door to kill yourself talk i'm gonna walk through it yeah yeah that that yeah i'll never say yeah no no i was gonna say i will take that back i will absolutely take it there but but i certainly am gonna go along with

it if you bring it to that point um you know would i feel would i feel bad if someone ever actually killed himself sure i would we'll cross that bridge when we get there i'll cross that bridge that person jumped off of when we get there but i don't think that's what you feel bad i would i would feel i would feel very bad if i if someone like left a suicide note and it was like kfc's tweet made me do this i that would ruin my life. I would be like, that would be, I would probably kill myself. See, I think... This is a kill yourself episode. I think that's so ridiculous, I would have no choice but to find it funny.

Be like, you are such an asshole for killing yourself and citing me as the reason that I don't even care. You know what you're telling me? Yeah, I think I'd have to laugh. I'd be like, wait, dude, my tweet literally made you kill yourself. Like, come on.

I'd have to just like, I think that'd be. In fact, you know what? I heard this was years ago. I think that I started kind of a write-in movement for people to kill themselves. No, you know what it was? It was if you were going to kill yourself anyway, say it was Roger Goodell's fault. And I was like, don't do it for the letter. Because of him, yeah.

Yeah, but like, if you're, if you look, if you're having a tough day and you decide it's time to go, just put like it was Goodell's fault and let it. Might as well get a little extra benefit here. I forget. Don't die in vain. Don't suicide in vain. Don't suicide in vain. I must have done that during the Brady situation. But I do remember kind of starting a bit of a writing campaign for Roger Goodell is responsible for all suicides. Like, oh, my God, over 30,000 people this month have said Roger Goodell. It's a good point when people talk about the about about like you can't.

Here are the things you can't really joke about anymore. I can only think of two of them. You can't talk about killing yourself or people killing themselves. And you can't joke about like drunk driving. You can't be like, oh, you know, I got behind the wheel. Like, that's not funny, dude. It's like, well, I mean, it's not not not not funny. Like, it's not, you know, anything can be funny.

Who is this? That's not funny. You know what funny who uses that's not funny you know let me tell the story you know what i mean like yeah if you if you joke about it or you're kind of like reminiscing about it or something like when you were young and reckless people like that's not cool dude and it's like i get it like we're not we're not not you're not trying to sound like a hard-o where you're like yeah drunk driving is cool i'm not like encouraging it but i'm just saying like if there is some humor behind it like I had a friend in high school who he was our designated drunk driver like he was always the best of the drunk drivers and if I tell that story

there will be people who are like that's not cool man I'm like I think it's not cool per se but it is like a funny weird thing from my high school life that I'm going to tell the story. In high school there was one time where we were up in North Conway we had winter weekend and I was in North conway with my buddy and a couple of his friends and he just had the weirdest group of friends he's always had like he was almost like like the like he was the island

of misfit toys where like he found humor and like everyone else being weird okay and like compiled them all yeah and that's kind of how i ended up in the group, too. I also am a weirdo. You're one of the misfits. We were at North Conway. We were staying at the Holiday Inn. And one of our friends was wasted at the time. He was like 16. Little Asian kid named Min said he'd never driven a car.

I mean, that's a funny story already. The story's funny already. We were like, Min, you've never driven a car, buddy. We've got to take you driving right now. We went to a parking lot in the mall, the North Conway Mall. Totally empty. And we just had Min Kwon doing donuts in a car, playing

Tom Petty's Free Fallin'. We're all just screaming, Free! Free Fallin'! And Min was yelling in his Korean accent. It was funny as shit, man. That's a good old time. It's a good tale. Don't tell me that that was irresponsible.

Don't rain on my parade. Don't be a buzzkill. He came so close to crashing right through the front door. It was fucking funny, man. I don't condone it. I wouldn't do it again now. Maybe. But that was fucking funny.

Yeah. There are some things that are just funny despite them being dark or irresponsible. We were in an empty parking lot. We were on the streets. That's totally fine. We were on the streets. You know, but what you the important distinction is people need are you get so consumed by the Twitter bubble and me myself. I mean, I was when I saw that I got banned for a quick second.

I was like, well, what am I going to do now? And I've reached a point where like, I, it's like trying to watch a ball game or watch TV. It's like, put your fucking phone down. I get it. It has consumed people, but it's not real life, man. It's not like, like if you, if you seriously think that people are going to kill themselves because of something i said that's a problem i hope that i really hope that's not true you think that's true i don't think that's true because he's busting your balls yeah but in general but in general you think that someone would ever be like yeah yeah he told me to i just think if you stumble upon i think if you were bullying a person who like i think you could tell when somebody's like

actually suicidal yeah yeah like if someone was just think you could tell when somebody's, like, actually suicidal. Like, if someone was just like, you know, man. When you hear these stories of, like, mean girls who are like, yes, you should slit your wrist tonight. And they do it. I mean, if you think that me on Twitter is going to actually make somebody kill themselves, I mean, we all need to take a step back from the Twitter bubble then. Yeah. And it's also something, it's not just something that I've done online. I've done it my whole life.

That's what I mean. It's absolutely my brand. Yeah. There was one time in high school where the girl said something at the lunch table and it annoyed me. I just slid a knife over her and did the right thing. The only reason I still remember that

is because she said that's different. I think that's different. We literally just mentioned the girls in high school and how they'll do it. And you followed up with the girl in high school story. The reason I remember it so vividly is because she's still alive. She now bullies me about it. She's still a good friend of mine. So she's like, remember that time you stood a knife and told me to do the right thing?

I was like, yeah, it was fucking funny, man. And I guess the fact that it still weighs on her 15 years later is a negative aspect of it but i like i forget about it all i forget about it all the time and then like i'll hang out with her one weekend so like remember that like oh yeah that was good well i mean like you said it's it's been uh our brand for a long time and it's much like we're allowed to say it. We've earned it. You know, it's like, you know, certain ethnicities can use certain words.

Well, the guys who talk about killing themselves, you have to make kill yourself jokes. It's just how it goes. I've been depressed for 10 years. I can joke about you killing yourself. We need the producer camera so bad right now. I'm so glad we're not like a mainstream, like we're just control over that because we just get canceled.

This leads to this leads me to my next point. I think so. We talked about recently with with biz and the podcast before that, where we can say anything and our and our people ride for us and keep it all in the circle. I think we need to make that like a thing. I think we almost need to push the limits of this. Yeah. No, I said,

let's go kill somebody and then, and then talk about it on the podcast. Like, I think we need to make all of our listeners are down the rides and they don't tell us. I don't know if we should murder someone. All right. Pussy.

But what if, like, what if there was like a segment every week? It's just like, well, we'll come up with a title for it where it's just we can tell a story of any sort and see if we get away with it. See, at what point will people talk? See, I think about it like I guess maybe the killing someone one would get someone out.

Because I like to think of kfc radio listeners as our therapists yeah yeah we have a confidentiality thing and they're like they know like look if they say they're gonna go kill somebody we have oh you mean the suicide thing oh okay yeah if we say we're gonna harm someone or ourselves then they have to speak up but everything else everything else is fair game that's's a great code. I hope that the listeners have that code. That's a great one to live by. Be like, police, 911, these guys that I listen

to, it's not like they're going to murder somebody. I think we've got to step in. But otherwise, like, statute of limitations and all that shit, I think, I just, I think we can get away with anything here. I do too. I think we have internet immunity. I think we I do too. I think we have internet immunity. I think we've earned it.

Yeah, we've earned it. I think they're just like... Because it's kind of one of those things too where anything we say, no matter who it's negative about, I think there's enough out there about us being good people. Yeah. We're like it's... I don't know about that. No, I think it is.

I think we say bad things sometimes, but I think there's enough knowledge that we're actually good people that you guys have also said enough bad stuff that nobody's surprised yeah like can you believe what feidelberg said and everyone's like yeah yes that's the thing you can you can't say like 50 bad things because then it like stands out like right we when you go all the way it's like manny being manny it's like yeah we just give them a pass and you've gone as honest and dark and weird as we have it's all white noise it's like yeah of course yeah it's actually a fascinating psychological thing where it's like it's like they they honestly debated microwaving a baby how could you be surprised by anything that they say now yeah they just it just it's like if a person who's generally good comes out and says like one or two things, that's going to be a big deal.

And if people who are not generally good at all says a million things, it's just. Yeah, that's the problem. I think Popovich ran into that problem. Like Popovich has been known as just like a very good guy who like, you know, fucks around with me. I know you don't like him, but he had something. He had something this season or last season where he said like europeans play europeans are better because they i don't know didn't like didn't play like playground basketball their whole lives or whatever it is people like oh he's racist against black people it was like and then because it was that was a jarring thing from popovich right i think he was just breaking it down from a basketball access no standpoint right's standpoint. Right. But it's a jargon because he doesn't often say things like that.

This was like they could hang on to it. Over here, it's like... We kind of... I hate to make this comparison, but we kind of trumped it. Yeah, that's very true.

We just plowed through. Yeah. Well, you thought I said something bad? Wait till fucking tomorrow, dude. The number one feminist podcast, the number one

masculine podcast, and we're just like Donald Trump. That's KFC radio. Pro-genocide. And pro-genocide and pro-suicide. Sales, get to work. I don't understand. What's the problem here?

Let's go on. Let's move on. Anyway, so would you rather a million dollars right now? We're going to get to a hypothetical that jumped out to so many people. We are separating it from our usual voicemails and our usual hypothetical talk. This is it's much like the father mother one inch type of question where it deserves its own shine, and it's brought to you by LittleBits, an award-winning platform of easy-to-use electronic building blocks for creating inventions large and small. You get the complete droid kit right now that comes with 20 droid parts,

6 bits, 3 sticker sheets, and a free app. So you're building these droids that then have an app where you get it to actually do stuff. It basically comes to life through the app and completes these tasks. You can reconfigure it in different ways so that you give these droid skills, you give these droid personalities, and you are building something for yourself or for your kids where it's basically like a toy droid for you to construct all by yourself.

I got little kids now. Shay's pretty smart. I don't know if she's smart enough for the droid thing yet. We'll find out. She's, uh... Yeah, I don't think she's smart enough. She just found out what bumblebees are. Terrified of them.

Terrified. I found out what bumblebees are by getting stabbed in the eye by one. And let me tell you, not a fun day for your boy. How old were you? I don't remember. I was at a gas station, though. Were you young? Yeah, I was young.

And it was almost like bad things happen in threes. I got stung by a bee like three times in a week. Haven't gone next to a bee since. Yeah, I mean, that's a good skill to have. But she is just like, they're shaking. I'm like, all right, relax. Everyone knows the big bumble ones aren't that bad. Come on. Oh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. They're still terrifying. all right, relax. Everyone knows the big Bumble ones aren't that bad. Come on.

Oh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. They're still terrifying. Two and a half. Everyone knows this. You know what's funny? First time you've seen one. I love when they're like, yo, the big one is not the one to be afraid of.

No, no, no, no. Yeah, fuck you. I'm going to be scared of that one, too. The big ones are huge. They're scary because they're huge. Give me a break. There's no grown adult that sees a Bumblebee and is just like, oh, that's not the dangers. You're always like, oh, my God.

Yeah, might as well get away from that. If you can let a bumblebee fly near you or on you, something's wrong with you. Or you're the bravest person in the world. Bumblebees to me are like the insect version of an elastic band. Yes. You're just always waiting for that other shoe to drop. You're going to just do it already. Just do it. And it's like the dark. you're just always waiting for that other shoe to drop. Like, you're gonna, just do it already.

Just do it. And it's like the dark. Like, as an adult, I'm still afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of bumblebees. I'm afraid of Bloody Mary. I'm not gonna go in the bathroom and say her name three times.

Don't tempt fate. I don't even really like to run my finger through a flame really fast. It's like, what if I don't move fast enough? It just burns me a little bit. There's a million things

I'm trying to avoid. Bumblebees are one of them. I don't like plugging things in. You might just get a shock. Yeah. You see that blue light flashing? Yeah, that's very scary. Jesus Christ, I just cheated death. This is some Final Destination stuff right here.

So, I don't know. Maybe Shay can figure out how to build. Maybe not. Well, if you've got kids who are down with the Star Wars world or they want to build toys, get to LittleBits. Go to LittleBits.com slash KFC. Get $10 off a Droid Inventor Kit. It's the 2018 Toy of the Year.

So go to LittleBits.com slash KFC for $10 off a Droid Inventor Kit. The hypothetical goes, would you rather have $1 million cash right now or $100 every single time you masturbate? $100. Really? That's the incorrect answer. No. That is the incorrect answer. Why?

I'm going to masturbate that many times throughout my life. I'd rather just get it in increments. You are. So $1 million. You know what you could have? You could just have $1 going to masturbate that many times in my life. I'd rather just get it in increments. You are, so, a million dollars you know what you could have? You could just have a million dollars and masturbate. What's better? Masturbating right now or masturbating with a million

dollars in your bank account? That's true. Everything is better with a million dollars in your bank account. I also just like the idea of being like whenever I need money, I can just make money. It's like being a sex worker. I'm a sex worker. Which is everyone's dream. I just want to be like a hooker. You get paid for having sex.

There is something to the money tree. You have a money tree. The branches have cum and money on it. But there's also something like getting paid to do what you love. There's some inherent happiness there. There is, definitely. Now, the math of it, if you were to jerk off three times a day, every day, that comes out to 1,095 times a year.

So roughly 10 years to make a million. You need to jerk off three times a day for 10 straight years to make a million dollars, need to jerk off three times a day for 10 straight years to make a million dollars, or you could just have it. Yeah, but then you can make more than a million dollars. I'm going to be alive for 20 more years, so I'll make $2 million. Correct.

There is the unlimited. The sky's the limit. There's no ceiling here. With the lottery, they say you take the lump sum. That's the thing. The time value of money is through the fucking roof. But I don't want to fucking work on investments and the stock market. I want to work on jerking off.

True. So that way, I'll just make more money whenever I want to make money. And there's no risk to it. Investing money, there's risk. There's no risk to jerking off. There's no risk. There's zero risk to jerking off. It depends on how you do it.

You can get risky with it. You can get dangerous. Especially you get a rope out. You start doing some stuff. People have paid the ultimate price. Yeah. Plenty of people have ended up in the hospital from jerking off. Plenty of people have ended up in the grave.

Shout out David Carradine. I mean, there are problems. You can get into some dangerous stuff. But the. I mean, I'm 100. I'm 100 percent. Like every time i jerk off it's a sure thing you you sometimes you don't come it's weird i mean that's very right like i think that you would need like i'm not bad you know i'm not batting a thousand with myself that's a fact i i i can't even make myself come all the time but i think

like imagine like i think you know you'd have to come to get the hundred dollars that's fair right yeah so like there'd be times where feidelberg would be like i need a hundred dollars you've been fuck i can't i don't know it's not working yeah right now but like that would only be on like a sunday afternoon it's like only like really hung over i'm just like just covered in sweat just like you got like your arms burning a little bit yeah well because like i'm sweating anyway all on all sundays like just sweating out alcoholic i'm just i'm just oh my god dumping sludge from my pores every sunday the thought of fidelberg on a sunday it makes you want to kill myself that is a gruesome vile thought makes me want to kill myself too yeah seriously the uh you should

please jump there's the idea of like like any physical activity on a sunday is is difficult Yeah, seriously. You should. Please jump. There's the idea of, like, any physical activity on a Sunday is difficult. And sometimes that physical activity is just moving your left arm a lot. Very fast. Yeah. I just, you know, it's almost like jerking off, like, fielding percentage. You know, it's like everybody's is like 99. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you're getting down to the hundredths of a point here because errors are so few and far between.

Like, you should be at 100. John Henry is unfortunately not. So, like, when your fielding percentage is like 991, you're a bum. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, I'm like 97. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, if you get worse than that, you're, yeah. Oh, my God.

That's so out of, if you jerk off 100 times times you won't come three times ah again it depends on how hungover i am that's crazy yeah i mean that's a great that's a great yeah i'm a gold glover i'm higher i'm a gold glover john's of defensive liability so i you know i'll take that i'm the eduardo nunez of jerking off. And I'm the fucking Omar Vizquel. You know, this shit is, I'm bare handing it, okay? I don't even need a glove. But, so there's something fun about the $100 every single time. It's like an ATM. Like, pow, pow, pow, cha-ching.

But I'll just take the million dollars and go. It's not like you can't jerk off. You know, it's not like you can't masturbate after you get a million dollars. Now, I'm just a millionaire masturbating yeah you know what's cooler than masturbating masturbating is a millionaire but i'll just like i i really think there is something to the idea of like the i'm like i'm jerking off for a grain of power yeah yeah yeah i'm doing this like oh you peasants do this for free yeah you know that's what it comes down to it's like oh you know barstool it's like trolls are like tweeting and talking shit or trying to be

funny on the internet it's like you do that shit for free this is my job i get paid for it you go jerk off in the bathroom for nothing i get paid well if you think about it you can probably lock in for three times a day for the rest of your life right if it was my job yeah i mean for at least until you're like old. Yeah, yeah. I mean, shout out to 4M's. I mean, 3M's. So it's like, would you rather have $100,000 a year

every year for the rest of your life or just $1 million? But it's $1 million right now, cash. Like, I don't know. I mean, are you really good for 3 a day? I guess if you can really get paid. I just think eventually you get lazy. Eventually.

And you know what? You know what? You know what? Not jerk off. No, you know what? Every job, we know this, you grow to hate every job. Everything becomes work. And I am not trying to mix business with pleasure.

I am not trying to ruin jerking off. Jerking off already is work for me. It already is just something I have to do. No. It's not something I have to do to go to bed at night. It's very often something I have to do just to get out of bed in the morning. It really bookends your day nicely. Yeah, so I am locked in for two jerk-offs a day just to survive.

So it is a job. It's something I have to do. You're doing it for free. You might as well get paid right now. Yeah. I mean, I just, I just get worried that like,

you know, one day, one day, John, maybe perhaps, I don't know. You'll have a wife and kids. It could even be a husband and kids.

Who knows? It's 2018. And you know, the mortgage payments are building up and, and, and your wife or husband is going to be like, John, we need money. Get in there.

And you're going to be like, God damn it, I don't want to jerk off. And it's just going to become too much work and you're going to not like jerking off. And then you're not going to jerk off because of it. And that is medically a dangerous road to go down. That's true. And then you end up, you know what you should do?

But I'll tell you what. At that point, you should kill yourself. That's a risk I'm willing end up, you know what you should do? But I'll tell you what. At that point, you should kill yourself. That's a risk I'm willing to take. I think jerking off is one of those things. You know what? You're talking right now,

this is not financially motivated for John Henry. I can tell. He's not really thinking about the money. You're talking about the fact that you get paid to jerk off. Yes.

Like, I think I could tell John it's $1. And I think he would take it. I think you're right. I think you're right. I think it was, I was going was gonna say 10 cents but yeah if you want if you want to make it a dollar it's something about the i think motivation behind it it's like role play it makes me feel sexy don't ever use that voice again it is though i can tell you want to be a sex worker yeah you can see yourself like a stripper and a hooker here yeah you're like a call girl for

yourself i find it empowering you're like on back page for yourself yeah you are you're empowering yourself i have what a fucking feminist gay ball i have control over my financial destiny using my own genitals that we know we know that there's that financial there's that financial like domination shit that's a real thing so you're just doing that to yourself. Yeah. Make this money. Be a little slut for daddy. You really do have like a golden dick though where it just spits out $100. Paching, paching, paching. Every time

you're tossing one out. Yeah. You would take it just because of the unlimited upside? I think so. I think when you just do the math, I mean it's just like $100,000. It's like you'll get there and then you'll blow past that for the next 20 30 years yeah but it's not i mean you're blowing past it but like so in in 30 years you make three million would you rather one million dollars right now or three million in 30 years because then you're dead

so it's really just like not that much more If it takes 10 years to make a million, realistically, you're going to live only like 20 more years. You're old as shit. No, let's say you had 50 more years. You have 5 million from now until you're dead versus one up front right now. It's just like $100,000 a year is nothing. It's like, that's not bad.

Right, it's just an extra 100 grand. For nothing, just a jerk off. Yeah, on a year is nothing. It's like, that's not bad. Right. It's just an extra $100,000. For nothing. Just to jerk off. And I guess the million dollars is on top of your salary, too. But like. I think just financially speaking, give me that million. I guess, you know, you got to be wise with it. Imagine if you took this and you blew it somehow.

That's what I think would happen. And then you were broke. And you're just like. And every time you jerk off, it's for free. You would chop your dick off. Yeah, you'd start. You would resent it.

You'd resent your dick. You'd be like, this thing is fucking worthless. Literally, this gets me $0. There could have been a magic dick and you ruined it. You ruined it. Yeah, that would absolutely

1,000% happen. Especially the mush over here. I like Curt Schilling this shit and I would lose all my money and then just have a worthless dick. Yeah, there's no shot I'd take that. Definitely, definitely, definitely. So it's the upside mixed with the potential downside if that million is not really worth it.

That becomes an absolute catastrophe. So I think we talked this through, and now I've come out the other side. My guy. I think I want to jerk off for money. There you go. There he is. Yeah, I would really like to have a million dollars up front, but just all around the upside and the downside are too far extreme. I don't want to mess with the downside.

I want to challenge myself for the upside, and that million is just too easy. Plus, I really like jerking off. Weigh in. Let us know. You want a milli or a lifetime of J and j this takes jjo to a whole other level man jjo for that cash money let's get into voicemails they're brought to you by lisa lisa.com slash barstool right now holy shit this is getting crazy lisa mattress is up to 160

dollars off the number just keeps going up. $160 off. The deepest discount they've ever offered. You fast forward, like the year is 2032. Lisa mattresses are now paying you money to get a mattress. They will give you $200. It's crazy. The discount just keeps on going.

Oh, and apparently they're planting trees too. So every one mattress, every 10 10 sold you plant a tree so i mean the deal is just getting crazy you get trees you get money you get a mattress it's nuts uh what's next for lisa who knows i sleep on elisa so do i tell you what it's quite nice i mean it and now you know get that peace of mind that you're also planting trees out there. Oh my God, I lay down at night, I'm like, this is comfortable.

You know, I own part of the rainforest, so I'm big on trees. Oh God, you're one of those? Yeah. Yeah, I'm part of the rainforest.

I own, I own a, a, a manatee too. He owns a, at least I have a kid. You own a human. It's a fucking manatee

in a forest. At least it's a person. I, actually, I might own a star too. Oh, you're an asshole. You're one of those suckers. A fucking manatee in a forest. At least it's a person. Actually, I might own a star, too. You're an asshole. You're one of those suckers. A fucking manatee.

At least I own a kid. What's the manatee's name? Harry? I haven't thought about Harry in a long time. You own a dead kid. And a live kid. I owned. We don't know the whereabouts of one of the kids

at least is Harry alive I honestly don't know I think so I haven't thought about it since I was seven probably not so yeah

he's probably dead by now I mean so we have we have two two dead things that you guys are paying money for

and probably are you still paying for the fantasy I mean I never I got it as a kid so I think it was one of those like it's just up front.

I got it as a kid. I think like my aunt bought it for me when I was young. How much do you think a manatee costs up front? I don't think I owned a whole manatee. I think I just owned shares. It's like Porto owning the horses. Yeah, I was a part owner of a manatee.

How old is your... My kid is about $250 a year. $250 a year and now... good fucking bargain the one's dead well he's indian you know everything comes at a discount exactly uh anyway lisa mattress is 160 bucks off go to lisa.com slash barstool you get your discount today mattresses start at like 500 bucks they got all different sizes they're the They're the best mattresses for the deepest rest you need. It gets delivered right to your house. You get to try it out for like 100 days. If you don't like it, they'll send it back. It gets delivered in a box, open it up. It's easy to buy, easy to put into your box spring,

and you get 160 bucks off. It's lisa.com slash barstool. We put the voicemails out. There was six of them. And it was like, we put it on Twitter, like, which ones do you guys want? And someone, I saw a bunch of people writing like, one, two, four, and five. I'm like, you want all of them. You must have really hated number three. There was only six. They listed one, two, four, five, six. And I was like,

what did three do to you that was so fucking bad? But I saw number one was know her from a threesome yeah so everybody wanted number one what's up kfc fights bc uh i got a little situation i want to run by you guys uh so basically i just matched with a girl on a on a dating app that i'm i'm like 95 sure it's this chick i had a threesome with in college um i did not know her prior to that threesome i did know her friend basically what happened was a younger drunker version of myself

shot my shot uh got myself in a little bit above my pay grade um but anyway whatever it happened count it um so now fast forward to now like i'm not even sure if she remembers me like when she swiped on me was it because i'm a hard six and that was good enough for her? Or she's like, oh, it's that kid who performed absolutely mediocre in that threesome a few years ago. So I'm not really sure how to play it. I don't even know if I'm going to talk to her. But if I do, do I like bring it up right away or do I just kind of play it off like I don't remember it happened or didn't happen? And then cross that bridge when I come to it, if I do.

So, you know, I'm sure Fights has something pretty similar to this in his repertoire um so yeah let me hear your thoughts bye fights you got something similar to this i got nothing even close i'm well known social media so i'm not social media yeah yeah so uh i definitely could never had run into anything like this i mean i think it's very rude to not bring it up. If you've had a threesome with someone and you just ignore that fact, I think she's going to take quite offense to that. Listen, you're playing with fire either way. If you bring up, you better be sure if you. Well, you don't explicitly bring it up.

You say, hey, do I know you from somewhere? You look familiar. Did we meet in college at a party or something like that? You play it. You ease into it. Yeah. I was going to say, if you go in, again, listen, it's also a dating app match. We're not talking about, like, if it doesn't work, whatever.

No big deal. But let's assume that you're really trying to make this dating app work. If you come in hot and you're like, do I know you from group sex? And that's not the case consider that bridge burned that one's out also other side of the coin if you did have group sex with this girl and you don't like you act like you don't even know or remember or care that bridge is also burned because that girl is going to feel so horrible about her sex games. Be like, this guy doesn't even remember an orgy with me. Like that should have been the best night of his life.

And he's like, nothing. He just thinks I'm a new person off the street. Also burned. You want to live somewhere in between there in the bell curve, right in the middle. Well, maybe that's how it went down though. Right. Cause he, he doesn't remember. Yeah.

He's like, I'm not sure. I mean, you had three shout out to this guy. Like it had to be very like meh. guy must remember yeah he must i like never even know i was gonna say yeah like even if someone's meh you remember it yeah this guy must be threesomeing a lot there's i mean i'm assuming it's he just fucked up and like you just can't really i mean you gotta be really really mean you gotta be really fucked up like really fucked up to not remember threesome no

if I didn't have I don't think I did I had a threesome at college if I did and I was drunk like it's 10 years later but you kind of look like that girl who I didn't know from a threesome I can say more than I am I remember you know you know when you have like those sobering moments where no matter how drunk you are you kind of like spice up a little bit?

Yeah. If there were two women having sex with me, I think I'd remember them. Because that's an opportunity that is never going to come my way. I guess I agree. But I also think it's an easy opening. If you're like, do I know you from somewhere? You can ease into it. That's how you have to do it.

And she's like, yeah, I think so. so and you're like oh like did you know blank and it's like you kind of slowly get there and then you can kind of be like ah you know like i wasn't positive star was fucked up but it was like you know yeah i was behind you and then we rotated we both like you can both laugh about it like yeah that was crazy i understand your hesitation to bring it up thinking i might have been a different girl. That can be kind of funny. Almost like a moment you guys had together. It's a high risk, high reward type of situation. But then you guys have an inside joke and that's all you need for a successful relationship is inside jokes.

It's so true. It's so true. If you can just have funny nicknames, not even for yourselves, for other things. Yes, yes, yes. If you can just have like funny nicknames for like, not even for yourselves, like for other things. Yes. Yes. And like you share a common interest, like could be like a show or a movie or song and a couple jokes that only you two know.

That gives, that gives you that us against the world mentality that a relationship needs. It's like Jim and Pam always making faces at each other. It's like your own little special existence. That's all that matters. It's very fucking romantic. That's really the name of the game buddy i know i know but but like you can do you can like fabricate that like and or you can when you have it for real it really is the best thing yeah you can try to like you know if you it's like game on a chick you know what i mean

like try to make some of those things and then she falls for you type of thing but when when it's true and it's reciprocated, that's the kind of shit that gives you the heart eye emojis where you're like, aw. Yeah, you guys have this little inside joke about your threesome. Yeah, and I was going to say, when you can apply that to... The threesome is not enough of a bond. Group sex, not enough.

As a matter of fact, yes, no. The group sex is there was someone interfering in your bond between you two. Too many people bonding. I'll tell you what, we just made a threesome on a dating app very romantic. You're goddamn right. Number one romantic podcast out there, too. Feminism, masculinity,

genocide, suicide, pro-chump, and not pro-chump, like Trump. Big difference. Very huge difference. Because guess what? If we're like Trump, don't like ourselves, can't like him.

But if you're pro-Trump, you do like him. Right. Also, if you're like Trump, you're like Trump, the sky's the limit. You can be super successful somehow. Hi, KFC. Hi, KFC. Hi, KFC. Bites, producer BC. I'm

calling in. I watched Handmaid's Tale last night, and there was a girl that has no eye and a girl that has no clit. So, a hypothetical for you is, would you rather have no feeling, or would you rather have no eyes?

Eva. Wait, I'm going to change her hypothetical. Would you rather be with a girl who has one eye or no clit? That's that's the real question. Girls sometimes get real close. They get real close, but they're real far away. I don't want to talk about no vision versus no feelings. Who cares about that?

Yeah. I got a one eyed chick. i got a no clit chick that's a great one because now you're super vain yeah and you would not want to walk into a party with a one-eyed chick on your arm no you're also super lazy and the way you're going to make a girl come is just by hammering her clit i think i think i i think this is easy i think think it's no glint. Now, granted, it's got to be done right. I don't want it done in the African tribal sense where it's designed to make sure they feel pain. Yeah, we'll just say, is that how they do it?

Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's like female prostration is like so they don't ever enjoy sex. It's really fucking good. This guy is informed. National Geographic over here. Yeah, let's just say it's like a smooth area. Just nothing there instead. But there's a vagina still. There's still a vagina.

Yeah, no clit. Easily. Yeah, well, it doesn't affect you. I'll figure that out myself. I think sex... You're going to go come hither. You're just going to come hither all the time. Come hither, you can just have sex with your penis. Put your penis in your vagina to have sex.

Yes, that is how it works. I mean, I was just saying, listen, you take away a girl's clit, the chances of her coming are drastically reduced. I mean, you know, we're talking down to almost a 0% for most chicks in most situations. So you're just going you know here's and listen they're not really coming very often anyway so we're talking about lowering the percentages from like 12 down to zero as long as she can never find out that i'm the reason she's right

that's the thing that she'd really resent me for that one could you imagine if like when it comes time to like you know you're getting serious like listen i'm sure you've noticed this by now like we've been hooking up a little bit like Like, I don't have a clit. And you're sitting there like, I know. It was a magic genie that gave it to you because I chose the hypothetical. But I'm not going to tell you that. Oh, no. That's so sad.

How did that happen? I don't know. I just woke up one morning. It's almost like someone snapped their fingers and it just happened. Oh, my God. That's crazy. Woke up on Tuesday morning and my clit was just laying next to me. Brightside, you've got both your eyes. Have you ever considered how awful it would be to be one-eyed? oh my god that's crazy woke up on Tuesday morning and my clit was just laying next to me bright side bright side

you've got both your eyes yeah have you ever considered how awful it would be to be one eyed yeah if you'd fallen off like it'd fallen off

like an umbilical cord you'd just have like dried up clit laying next to me I didn't know what I didn't know what that was all about gross

yeah what if like also like you have you have like women have two ways to be able to cum. So, like, you're still good. I mean, that other one's very hard. It's pretty hard.

Again, you can do the cum hither and you push down on her stomach. You do all the tricks and shit. But it's, like, it's not easy. It's, like, you can do that, but it has to be, like, a whole session. There's no, like, quickies. There's no just, like. There's no just like, let's get this over with type of thing. It's a production.

I don't, I don't utilize the clip very often. So I guess like, I, I, I, I guess I, I rub it, but like stupid.

I mean like, it's not like it's not, it's the, the clit is, is my, that's like my secondary weapon. So I'd be fine losing the clip. That's crazy.

I guess. You're just hammering the G-spot all the time? I guess. I don't think you're making girls cum, John. You can't go down on her anymore. What are you looking? You can put a tongue in a hole. It's so funny. You put a tongue in a hole oh it's like like it's what it's so funny it's like yeah you put tongue in the ass sure it's like you put in your tongue in her like in her pussy hole nah

gross let's move on kfc fights super producer bc i have a question for you so i just got a new job and all i've been thinking about while working is thinking about what I'm going to say when I put in my two week notice. So if you guys were to have a job, it could be a desk job like KFC, I don't know, imagine that you had a job before this or barstool. If you were going to put in your notice and quit, what would you say and what would you do if there was no consequences i work in staffing i hired someone and this person before she knew she was getting fired went into the system changed and was a network engineer changed all of the password access to fuck you in a huge company and got in a ton of trouble but if you could do something like that and not get the consequences what would you do, Feeba?

Okay, you can explain it to me because I looked at Twitter and I got mad, so I zoned out for a second. What did you get mad over? Dave's one under. Fuck! Yeah. Fuck! How many holes?

Five. I mean, that's already it. He's already kind of proven his point. Dave is playing Shinnecock right now with the unlimited mulligans, and I was convinced he was going to play terrible, and he's one under through five. I mean, the dude just keeps winning. It sucks.

That's crazy. Yeah, it's an upsetting stat to find out. All right. Well, this actually works because maybe we're going to have to quit. Because I don't know how much longer I can be around him. I guess the good thing is, like, as he rises, like, so do we. But it's like, at what point, like, I don't care about that. I don't think we're getting any rise out of Dave playing good at golf.

No, but I'm just saying the overall, like, as Dave is more successful, we have benefited from that. So you should be happy. But it's like, no, I would rather be. I would rather be miserable than Dave be successful. Yeah, no doubt. Yeah. I'm saying we should not, but we do.

Because that's how it goes with bosses. It's like any company you work at. It's like you should be on the same side as this guy, but it's like, no, fuck this guy. This is why people quit and change the passwords to fuck you. Because they hate everything about this place, no matter how much it actually benefits them or affects them in any way. So if you could quit any job in any way with no consequences, what would your revenge be? I wouldn't have any. None? None. None at all.

You wouldn't get any satisfaction? Nah, these are always like, I feel like this kind of question is often asked. Like, you know, what's your dream quitting scenario? There's a scene in the office. You wouldn't punch Dave in the face? Nah. Nah. Why not? I want you to punch Dave in the face. Just leave.

I would good with hunting it. That's how I do it. You wouldn't even know I quit. I'd be done. Be gone. You wouldn't want to like, like let's, I mean,

you could, you could, you could somehow ruin things for Dave. You wouldn't do that? No, I don't think, I don't, I don't think.

The apathy is just absolutely stunning. Cause I think, I think it's, it's not even apathy, really. It's more like anything you do, it's like blocking someone on Twitter. Whereas it just. Yeah, you just give them more satisfaction. You give them ammo.

Yeah. It's like he was so miserable here because I fucking owned him to the point that he was. Yeah. I'd be like, I'm out. Yeah. Like any pettiness is just like viewed as a weakness really that's what i i and i guess that's apathy in a sense but it's kind of like the thing i've taken on i i started it with twitter where i was like i don't see why people block people

because then like people put it in their bio like blocked by so and so they tweet a screenshot like look who blocked me and yada yada yeah and like i don't want them to like have the satisfaction of that right i don't want to give them ammo yeah so like i don't but if that's considered a consequence if we could remove that would you do anything i don't know what i nah probably not still i don't know just be out i really like i don't i don't want to think it's apathy i think it's more than that but i think it's just like like if i was going to quit here there's there's nothing I would do to fuck with anyone. I'd just be out. I think it's gratifying to let people know why you're quitting, what you moved on to.

Because I got a new job six months before I came here. So I didn't really hate that job yet because that job was well-paying and everything worked out. So I didn't get to let my boss that I hated really know the deal. The job I quit four years prior, like, you know, I had worked for four years prior. I didn't really like that by the end of it. And I was just like, oh, I'm moving on. But it was the same thing. I was moving on to something in real estate.

But when I quit for— So if you had been able to go from that job to here— Yeah. So I wouldn't have been a dick, but I ended up talking to a boss who I did not yet hate. And I was, like, explaining what I was doing because he was like, why are you doing this? And I was like, well, I get to go, and I work in sports and entertainment. I get to work for my brother, Asa Akira.

And he was like, okay, got it. Oh, that does sound pretty good. So just letting somebody know why you're moving on from them. If you're moving on to much greener pastures, and you're leaving behind people stuck in the same shitty fucking existence that you were. It's fun to let them know that.

Yeah. It's like, yeah, hey, man. All right. Like, cool. Like, like, you keep doing your thing here. You know, these accounting books and like, I'm going to be like hosting a radio show or whatever it is that you think they would really fucking hate you for. That's the move. Just politely be like, oh, I'm,

my life is going to get better. Yours is going to stay completely shitty. You've plateaued. You're going to, the next, the next like milestone you hit is death. Yeah. Yeah.

A hundred percent. Like you have nothing to look forward to except for your own death. Eventually that's the move to, I mean, you know, if there's truly no consequences of you, we're talking about some like magical vacuum. I think there's all sorts of like people are going to punch this person.

I'll hit that person. I'll shit on your desk. I'll, you know, do whatever, because people do want to be petty and get and get some sort of revenge. I don't begrudge like you. You also got to remember there are certain people who have been stuck in a job for 10, 15, 20 years. Like, eventually you do want to just do something fucking horribly childish and mean and cruel. I've been 10, and I don't, I'm not quite 10. Yeah, but this job is not, this job is not what you think. You know, like, it can be so much worse. It's kind of like one of those things, though, where it's like a girlfriend. You have a girlfriend, and it doesn't matter how emotionally tortured she was, right? And she breaks up, and she goes Carrie Underwood.

And it's like you just immediately validate everything that they're going to be saying about you. Yes, yes, yes. It's like the breakup happened for this reason. You did all this. Whether or not you could have been a perfect girlfriend up until that point and you just had so much pent up anger. But now when he goes around and says, oh, she was fucking crazy. Like you were crazy.

And if I like did something crazy here when I quit and it's like, yeah, he wasn't like that's all people remember you for. And I guess you can do it in a really cool sense. But I think it's just the negatives for you are a lot stronger than it would be for someone else. Preach.

Next up. Yo, what's up, KFC? Fat, dumb, cum boy. Producer. Fat, dumb, cum boy. Cunt boy. Oh, he said cum. I was like, are we spinning this?

Paralyzed guy. Hawkins. Stephen Hawkins movie. And quick, would you rather? Would you rather be paralyzed and still have your mind intact, or would you rather lose your mind and still have your body intact? Big fans, boys. Keep it up.

An absolute no-brainer. What do you have? You got to keep your mind. You can't have you can't have no brain you can't be like out of your mind i don't know i mean like it's basically what they're asking for is like do you want als or i guess i don't know what the other one is but like that's what als is and that sounds terrible yeah i mean like you have you're just trapped in your own body now yeah but i mean i would rather if you have like no mental capacity, you can't do anything. You can't like have any life.

It's like, what are you going to do with your body if you don't have any professional sports? Probably. Oh, I don't think you can play. I mean, I guess we're just we got to decide what what your brain can and can't do here. Like, I don't think you could if you don't have like mental capabilities i don't think you could even play professional sports yeah i think that like mental a mental handicap is probably what leads to like somebody being homeless yeah like yeah if you would be yeah i guess yeah i think just like it's kind of like als versus well let's not put disease names on that as soon soon as it was said, I got it.

And I was like, that's not a fun one. No, it's certainly not fun. I mean, none of it's good. I was just thinking, my body already fucking sucks. Get rid of this thing. I don't care. But if I had no ability to like, I don't know if you could have a job. I don't know if you could have friends if you have no mental capacity.

Yeah, you could. So yeah, I guess you'd have to keep your mind. What's up, guys? So last weekend I'm coming home from a night out with my friends, and we're in an Uber talking to the guy. He seemed pretty cool. Asked him what he did besides being an Uber driver and said that he trained monkeys for a living.

He said that he worked on a set of the pirates of the caribbean movies and girls are so dumb that he had 30 monkeys in his house so in the moment we thought he was like the coolest guy ever whatever the next morning me and my friends were talking about it again and my friends were like oh that was so awesome he was the coolest guy and i was like so confused because i thought he was just full of shit like I didn't think he was telling the truth at all so two questions first is he lying is that he actually trained monkeys for a living and second question if you're an uber driver what are you telling your passengers about yourself like what lie are you making up about yourself thanks girls are so dumb at least she was like yeah like she

picked up on it but even the fact that she had like kind of like is who's right here like this was he live in the fucking jungle book he's got 30 monkeys in his house i mean that like that that is the exact kind of lie you tell girls when you're not even actually trying to lie when you're trying to be funny yeah yeah oh i train monkeys on the set of a hollywood movie oh and they're in my house with me like you just keep adding them on see what you get away with that's actually a great like fun lie to be like oh yeah i'm the animal trainer in hollywood that's one of those jobs that's like that would be that would be really cool girls would be really interested in that and there's no way you can kind of prove or disprove it because nobody knows the ins and outs of that.

So, like, whatever you say, if you say it with confidence, they'll be like, oh, wow. Yeah. What's Tracy Morgan's character in SNL? That's like the animal trainer? Yeah. Like, that's who I am, basically. Yeah. I go on late night TV.

I break some animals. Hang out with Johnny Depp. You know. Yeah. Regular life. And, like, as long as you own it, girls will be like, oh, wow. Yeah. And then when I'm bored I drive a fucking

ride sharing app the monkeys are at home tucked in bed I need to make some extra cash on the side I want to be my own boss I mean that just like there's a house full of girls all being like remember how cool that guy was

like I would probably fuck that guy. Oh, girls, you're so dumb. What was your, I used to love yours, the X Games cameraman. Yeah, that's exactly the same type of thing. I was the X Games cameraman. I was snowboarding behind everyone

when they were doing their tricks, just filming them. I was the Pirates of the Caribbean monkey trainer. Like, these are things, if you come up with those right jobs. But again, I would say those with like a smirk on the face and the girl would be like, no, you weren't. But it was like, but it would be a conversation piece. Yeah.

And maybe if they're like extra dumb, they'd believe it for a little bit. But no one's actually being like, oh, like, can you take me to the office one day? Can you show me like your snowboards? Can you? No, no. This is all lie. If you actually believe the Uber, your snowboards? Can you? Like, no. No, this is all a lie. If you actually believe the Uber driver who says he trains monkeys. Although, I don't know.

You know, you get weird with Uber. Like, I don't know, some African guy. And you're just like, I don't know, maybe he knows monkeys. That's exactly what I would do if I was an Uber. I'd just work on my, like, lying. Yeah. I'd just tell stories all the fucking time. You know what?

I feel like it would be a great spot. Like, you know how Francis is always like telling jokes. He's always like obsessed with like trying out material on people. There's a great spot to do it. A hundred thousand percent. We should make him do that. Yeah. That's actually a great piece of like be like the Uber comedian.

And you just get like you get time for like I get time for like a couple jokes and then they're out. Pick them up. Start a new one. You can either work on the old ones, start new ones. And they they probably hate your guts, but it's just like, well, they're gone. You them up, start a new one. You can either work on the old ones, start new ones, and they'll probably hate your guts, but it's just like, well, they're gone. You're never going to see them again.

Yeah. You wouldn't be long for that world because you'd eventually get fired with so many one stars being like, this dude won't shut up. Unless you're funny. Unless you're funny. No, no one's funny in an Uber. That's a great line.

No one's funny in an Uber. Like, words of wisdom. It's just no one's... in an Uber. That's a great line. No one's funny in an Uber. No. Words of wisdom. It's just no one's... I don't know though. Not the cab driver, not the person talking, not the person in the back seat. No one's funny, no one's fun, no one's cool. Nothing you're saying is of interest to the other person.

So that would be quite the... I think of comedians often like magicians. It's like you're all annoying until you tell a really good joke. You do a really good trick. Yeah, that's like now you've actually provided. But there is this comedian on Instagram, Kid Ace. I mean, move the fuck over, David Blaine. This guy, I found them on, you know, New York, Nico.

Here, follow that guy. Just he's I actually I DM about doing the vlog with him. I think we should just like walk around with him. He just like finds all the weirdos of New York. I don't know how he does it, if he just walks around constantly until he finds them. But he found Kid Ace, and then I started following him. He just does

street magic that's absurd. He was just holding a bandana, and he just flopped it around, and then he held it up and turned into a fucking pigeon. Just a pigeon. A full-size fucking pigeon. Like, how? What? Where did you get the pigeon? Even if you

had it under your coat, it would be like... Like, how would you make that happen? He's holding a crumpled can. Crumpled soda can. And he just wiggles it around until it unwiggles. And then he wiggles it around until it unwiggles.

And then he wiggles it again until it's filled with soda. He cracks it open and pours it on the sidewalk. I was like, how? I can't even begin to comprehend what the sleight of hand is. Like, where did the pigeon come from? And how did the crumpled can get filled with soda? What about when they put in a fucking, just an ice pick through his hand. That's not magic.

He just stabbed himself. Like, watch this. Like, he was bleeding. Like, oh, there's the magic. I got to go stitched up in the fucking emergency room now. You're just an asshole, David Blaine. You're just so hell bent on being successful that you'll stab yourself. Did he do that?

Was it Drake or Tom Brady who ate glass? What? I don't even know either of these. David Blaine had a YouTube or something like that where he was hanging out with big celebrities. I believe he was with Brady on one, too. But definitely with Drake. I think he was with Drake when he ate the glass. And he just takes a bite of glass.

He just has a glass of wine, just shatters it, takes a piece and just eats it. Again, not magic. You're just an asshole. You're just a really weird asshole with a high pain tolerance. Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. We were searching for our interns. We put out our job description on ZipRecruiter, and it matched us up with several candidates

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this is Tom from Kansas City. So, weird thing just happened to me. My girl recently got angry at me because I ate another woman's brownies. So pretty much the situation is today was my birthday and a female co-worker at work made me some brownies for my birthday

and so like any good man, when I got home I told my fiance that I ate another woman's brownies and she flipped out on me and said uh that was the equivalent of cheating on her and that I might as well put my dick in the put my dick in the coat with you who made me the brownies. So my question to you guys is what is the strangest thing your girl has ever gotten mad at you for? Thanks, people. I would just love, like,

I would love this guy to just go fuck this co-worker and be like, oh yeah, really? Okay, well then I'm going to go do it. So wait, did the girl make the brownies as well? Were there brownies to choose from or they're just like the... It didn't sound like it. I mean, either way, it's totally irrational.

But I was just trying to understand the full scope of the irrationality here. So this guy goes to work. A co-worker made brownies for his birthday. He eats them. His girl flips out. Now, girls are the worst. I agree that this is wild and I agree that it's crazy. Can we both agree that the co-worker wants to fuck him

like yeah you don't make brownies for someone you don't want to fuck yeah it's so like it's like i get i kind of get where you're coming from right well it's all it's it's very much brownies away but like like i'm not making brownies for someone i don't want to fuck that's wild yeah Yeah. It's, it's very much like when your girl gets mad at you for like, you have a friend that is a girl and it's like, nothing has ever happened between us, but everybody knows we've like,

the only reason I haven't talked to her is because I would like, want to fuck her. There's attraction there. And the only reason guys and girls are friends is because there's something going on. And now everyone can be an adult and not act on that and then you can have a friendship or a working relationship without your current girlfriend going crazy like some level of maturity here but then that's a step further if someone's

baking brownies for you yeah so you know you know when you're in an office there's like the the office manager who's like in charge of everybody having a birthday i know i was gonna. This is just one girl who randomly came up and was like hey I made you. Everybody got called to the office. You need to put a distinction like Liz has made or bought a snack a treat for everybody here when it's their birthday.

Down to like Tex. Does she want to fuck everybody? No. And also Liz faked none of those. Right she went and bought them. That's a big distinction. You can She want to fuck everybody. No, no. And also list baked. None of those. Right. She went and bought them. But I'm saying, but it's a big distinction. You can, uh, there,

there is a scenario in corporate life where there's like the birthday committee type thing where that's the party committee is a real thing where it's like, we're just going to do this for everyone. Guys, girls, hot. He talks about her. It sounds like it does sound a little suspicious.

That sounds like the work wife, work husband sort of relationship. that's the case your girl is just being very intuitive and she stupidly is playing her overplaying her hand like she's right and she's got you dead to rights what she should have done was like bust your balls and make you feel guilty about it yes oh oh like your work wife who like you you kind of have a crush on and she definitely has a crush on you you're just like parading around the office eating her stuff like that's cool yeah that's that's really like you're making me feel good and you're like oh fuck yeah yeah but to be like you should just fuck her then it's like well now you are the crazy girlfriend

now you're the one yeah we were talking earlier like now you're the one acting out it's like no i'm not in the wrong here and you're not in the wrong to eat brownies but let's just everyone understand that the there's a reason those brownies were made for you yes there's a reason you and that girl are close it's because you like to at least have that fantasy that that option where you're like yeah we could have sex if we wanted to but we don't like it's just it's nice to have that but i can't think of something equivalent just because I've never had a girlfriend so I don't really know people usually when people yell at me

I'm just like I'm not listening to this anymore because I haven't we are not in a relationship we're not living together we're not engaged I bought you a ring so I'm just gonna stop listening I'm gonna close my ears off and you can work this out on your own.

We're not. If you get over it, yeah. If you get over it, call me back. I will be fine. Uh, if you don't break up with me,

we'll also be fine. Don't break up with me. We're not even together. Yeah. Just you, you can go back onto doing your own shit. But, uh,

this is a, it's a tough one. It's weird. Cause I, I do understand. I'm trying to understand both sides of it. I get it again though. It's about how you carry out your, your anger. I get it. Again, though, it's about how you carry out your anger.

Because you do become in the wrong once you go this crazy with your response. The perception was there. You should have slow played it. You went all in when you should have slow played your hand. Because you were in the right until you were like, you might as well go fuck her. But girls, you can't go that crazy. were like you might as well go fuck her but girls you you can't go that crazy guys you have to absolutely understand that any sort of interaction with

any girl is going to be perceived as more than it might be yeah and and both ways it's going to be perceived probably exactly how it actually is if you're being honest with. And in some cases will be perceived as worse than it is. And either way, you got to be prepared for that. Dude, if my fiance came home was like, Greg baked me a cake. I'd be like, who the fuck is Greg? You know what the real misstep is? Who are you talking about, Greg baked you a cake? The real misstep is telling her.

Yeah, yeah. Be like, just be going home and be like, I was eating brownies from Stacy all day. I guess he was just probably like, oh, yeah, how was your birthday at the office? That was good. I had some brownies. Like, from who? But even that is like, like, anytime it's like, oh, like, who were you with? You're just going to be like, oh, these other women?

No, no. You can't say that. Yeah. You got to at least get the office. It was just with the office. I don't know. I don't know who made them. Like, whatever, you know?

Yeah. Or you can be honest, but just be prepared. You know what's coming. It's coming. It's coming fast. It's coming. There's no stopping it. Today's episode was brought to you by Dollar Shave Club.

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