KFC Radio - KFCradio: Shark Stomach

Episode Date: June 21, 2018

Feits skypes in from Portugal. Poop burps. Should you date a 21 your old intern? Should you date a hot neighbor? Can a girl who just learned to masturbate too much? Is it a good idea to eat scallops right before a flight to Europe?You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Alright, it's the KFC Radio Portugal edition of KFC Radio Today. It's brought to you by Movement Watch. I hope that you are overseas right now, John, rocking your Movement Sunnies, rocking your Movement Watch, spreading the movement overseas, because we have taken over America with the movement. They have disrupted the watch industry to the point that they own this country.

But now they're in 160 countries worldwide. And I hope that Portugal is one of them. And I hope you're spreading the gospel of movement. Buddy, I didn't bring any other sunglasses. And I'll be honest, I own another pair or two. But the only ones I brought were my movement. That's my man, pots and pans. It's all I needed to see.

That's what you got to have out there, right? I've been on my best behavior over here because I want people to know, hey, look, Americans, we're still good people. And I've been wearing my nice sunglasses to go, look, Americans, we're still sharp dressing folk as well. And also, listen, everybody can put on a nice pair of sunglasses and someone says, hey, where'd you get that? And you say, oh, from a designer department store for $1,000. That's easy. What's impressive is when you go, oh, these babies right here, they'll get delivered to your house for free shipping, and they only cost $70. That turns heads. That gets people going, wait, what? Then you say, join the movement, motherfucker. So go to movementwatches.com, go to MVMT.com slash KFC, get 15% off your order, free shipping, free returns.

If you don't like it. You can get a watch. You can get sunglasses. You can prove to Europe. You can prove to the world that America is stylish when you join the movement. Fights is Skyping in from Portugal. What's up? Let's first discuss where you're at right now. You flew there.

By the time you landed, it was like 6 a.m.? Yeah, it was 6 a.m. So you've been up for like 24? I took a quick nap, like refugee style. So we don't move into our house until tomorrow. Move into your house. Oh, this is not just a vacation, folks. This is a Feidelberg vacation where the family gets a goddamn house in Portugal. And so we had to get a hotel for tonight.

And when you checked in, it was all full. So they were like, you can use the amenities, but you can't have a room until 4 p.m. Got it. And it's 4.10 right now. So we were like, okay. It was like 6 a.m. So we just dragged our fucking bags out to the pool. Listen.

We were fully dressed. We used towels as blankets. We all went to fucking bed. Maybe, you might look sharp with your sunglasses. You're not doing any service for America right now. You could look like a bunch of white trash just dragging your shit around you like a fucking hobo gypsy.

Like a nomad. They're probably like, oh my God, this is what goes on at the border. They got people just with all their belongings just living in fucking squalor on top of towels. That's what it i didn't have pro publica to cover me out here they had like we woke up we were like in the breakfast area and people was eating their breakfast just like morning cold and clothes i've been wearing for two days just like i got shoes strewn about my little brother my little sister actually went to the gym because they didn't want to go to bed because they're still like young like that and so when they came back

and saw me my dad my mom my older sister asleep by the pool they just went over a walk i was gonna say no no no they're like hey you guys look suspicious suspiciously exactly like those people who are homeless over there no no no i don no, no. I don't know them. I don't know them at all, folks. So that's... Because last night, I didn't have my typical travel. My typical travel day is I like to have some bevvies, have a good time with it. I was in a

bad way yesterday. The scallops. It wasn't just the scallops. This is something I've been keeping to myself for a little while now. Oh, let's go! Wait a minute. This revelation from John feidelberg is brought to you by black buffalo this i mean that's how you tease it because the people right now are on pins and needles and i want them to sit here for the next 60 seconds and listen to this ad and listen to how rich and tasty and and quality black buffalo is while thinking about what's about to happen john

feidelberg has a revelation folks usually when he does this it's like oh i kidnapped my housekeeper and locked her in the basement or like something like that you never know so black buffalo fights i hope you brought your black buffalo overseas with you i hope uh i did and my mother is so happy oh good yeah she loves it she loved when she me, she saw me throw into the TSA bin, and she's like, that's the Black Buffalo stuff. Nice job. There you go. Make your mom happy. Keep your gums healthy.

Stay away from the bad stuff because Black Buffalo has all the nicotine, the texture, the rich, dark color and flavor, but it doesn't have the tobacco. So you can keep poly finalberg happy you keep the women in your life happy get off your back leave me alone it's not dangerous it's healthy for you and i still get my fix and i still get to uh scratch that itch they sell two packs five packs and it's all exclusively on their website with free shipping they've got uh wintergreen mint, straight, and peach. I'm a mint guy. Mint's the way to go. I've always been a mint guy.

You know, mint was like the first tobacco flavor. My uncle told me that a long time ago. I don't know if it's true. No, I believe that. I feel like, you know, don't get cute with it. It's almost like gum, too. Same thing. Just give me the mint. That's what we're here for. Mint puts asses in the seats. Go to blackbuffalo.com use the promo code feidelberg f-e-i-t-e-l-b-e-r-g

get 10 off your next order new customers old customers anyone you put that promo code feidelberg in at blackbuffalo.com you get 10 off john you've been keeping this in for a long time hit me so like you know how i was famously like like shark stomach johnny where like i just like never shit yeah like i i hated doing it yeah well my stomach's turned into a bit of a pussy oh your butt's a pussy that asshole's a pussy so listen hey listen you're perfectly in trend with the rest of the world like ass ass is the new pussy bro dude so like yesterday what's happened recently and it's like i recently mean like it's about a year now um i i poisoned myself on the weekend and then on like monday night i had this really healthy meal

and tuesday's just a wash like tuesday's a write-off it's just done I am I know I'm on the toilet I'm like I have flu-like symptoms all Tuesday every Tuesday and and like me and my body and we're all cool with everything everyone gets it like the the healthy meal and like I take some vitamins on Monday night too Monday night I'm easing into it. So we all understand those are going to flush me. I'm going to flush the toilet. And then we're going to just call it a day. We're done.

Wednesday, we're back in the game. Right. Well, I did my regular Monday night healthy meal, fistful of vitamins, this past Monday. This is like some Charlie Kelly shit, by the way. Unbelievable, this routine you've got and i didn't i just didn't think about how my tuesday was going to be right so my tuesday this past tuesday was i was i had to run to the office for uh kfc radio then take the metro north of stanford drive from stanford to boston through tsa lines i had one

particularly prickly tsa agent who was really giving me a lot of toot and he's like oh you're annoyed because you had a piece of paper in your pocket i should be annoyed no this is your job if you're annoyed you should be up the game but nonetheless i'm i'm like spending the entire by the way these are all things these are all things you said to yourself in your head yeah yeah four hours early because it's a family trip and that's the kind of shit you do right so so we were there we were about five we i got into logan airport at four ended up like driving around looking for traffic like five o'clock i got there for my 9 p.m flight and so i had all the time in the world but i'm like running between tsa agents and all

the shit just just trying to poop a little bit just leaving breadcrumbs like all the way to the 95 corridor is what i was doing essentially you know how to get home you know where to come back to just like okay rest stop toilet traffic gotta get off of this wendy's toilet and like just like boom boom boom but i'm still so embarrassed like my whole life has been like i've always been embarrassed of shitting in public that's why yeah i became shark stomach johnny right and uh and so i'm even like lying to my parents while i'm running around the airport like i'm like hey uh you know what i forgot my phone charger gotta run ahead i will i'll see the gate and so i'm like like saying that i do like a clenched jaw and all this time i'm just

thinking like son of a goddamn bitch like i have to get on a flight soon like this man like you got the the worst parts looming but i thought that i thought that i had finally got it all out and then we went to dinner went to legal seafood in the in logan airport not good and seafood's not what you want in this situation and i was like i'm gonna get scolled because i have nothing left in my system and i am quite famished right now like i was i was very but in that moment you got to get like uh you know chicken and bread that's it that's you you're right you're right yeah i thought i thought you know i thought the storm had passed right i i got out of the bulkhead and it was just the eye of the storm i had the tail end coming around i thought we were safe

i'm trying to pull the thing shut with the starter twist like oh no we're back so after dinner i go running and i'm like at this point we got into the gate right and i like i knew i was it wasn't even the time where I was trying to hide it anymore. I had my laptop out trying to get a couple more battery points on my phone just to switch it up to get music, Netflix and shit. And at this point, I don't even make up a lie. I just wrote my laptop to my brother. I got a shit. Didn't say anything.

Just had that panicked look you have where you can like you can do it with anything you're holding in the whole world if you have this panicked look and you just start running like oh he just wants me to watch this while he shits his pants that guy that's all that guy's pooping yeah that's like it's like a baby and like a briefcase so the two things you can't do it with because otherwise like wait what's in this but i don didn't think it was like, you're good. You can just do it. And so I'm in there, and I'm just, it's real. The tail end of this tornado was a bad. It was a tough, tough scene.

And I'm getting texts from my brother being like, yo, flight's in seven minutes. Right, we got to go. Yo, oh, flight's in six minutes. And then finally he goes, your baggage is with the lady at the front desk. I really suggest you hurry up. Holy shit. Literally. I'm having like a,

like a conversation with myself where I'm like, I might just miss this trip. No, I was like, I was giving myself like the frapper of a pump up speech before I hooked up with a girl. We were like, only it's like, look,

I mean, we all, we both want a whole plugged at the end girl we're like only it's like look and i mean we all we both want a whole plug at the end of the day but it's like i'm just i was rocking on a toilet going please please please please please please please please and and so i i eventually i like, all right, we got to do this. It's got to happen. It's like I can't miss this flight. So wait, you're telling me that it's not that you're having trouble going. It's just that it's not stopping.

Like it just keeps coming. Yeah. Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. And you can't even pinch this off and be like, well, I'll figure this out. It's like it's just flowing.

It's lava coming out of you like lava. So I'm like, all right, we got to go. So I just put up the pants, right? I start loosely jogging. Yeah, you're doing the clenched cheek, like fast walk run. Yeah. Yeah. It's a slow jog, but it's a tight jog.

Yeah. Everything flexes. I'm working at 100 hard muscle and i'm like i can't even look the woman watching my badge in the eye because like i know she's just thinking like this guy's grown man almost missed a flight because he can't stop pooping i'm boarding the plane and i'm like all, like I kind of felt like I respect the troops, but I can't imagine a soldier flying. Where are we going right now?

I can't imagine they feel any different than I did. Cause like the only thing that was certain was uncertainty. I didn't know what was coming on this flight. Oh my God. Oh my God. I didn't know where it was going to end, Kevin. So I'm sitting there and you know me. You know how I can't like upset other people. So, of course, I'm in the middle seat sitting next to the nicest Portuguese guy ever.

Of course. First thing he does, he tells me, you can have the armrest. First thing he does, he goes, you can have the armrest. I don't use them. Little fella. And he just sits there with his hands in his lap this guy might have been a psychopath but he he was a very polite one he didn't take out a book an ipad a phone nothing the whole flight almost five and a half hours just stared at the back of no sanity but nonetheless he was polite so i was like i can't ask this guy to get up so i'm sitting there and i revert to my old ways and i'm like all right i have tactics i eat it i have tactics well that's the first one you try you try to sweat it out you know what i mean you clench you clench up so tight and then like you get hot and uncomfortable.

And you're just like – I think you can sweat it out a little bit, right? So like it's just like – You got poop coming out of your pores. Yeah. You're like your nipples are hard but you're hot. It doesn't make any sense. So I did that. And then also that like saved it for a little while and then i go into uh you know in the movie street fighter when uh where's this going flying guys getting whipped

and he's like not even flinching yeah and they say how do you do that how does that not bother you and he goes well i can send my mind to other places and they go next time your mind goes somewhere tell her to bring back a pizza I can do that with my mind I can send it to someone so I focused on the woman in front of me who was just doing the entire flight she just did math on her phone what the fuck is wrong

with your plane simple math Kevin like 800 plus 300 plus 400 plus 200 I was keeping up for a while then she threw in a 47 and i was like oh boy i don't know i'm out i'm done with this one plus 47 i'm lost and then the last thing i had to do was in like where like the lights are on the sunset's coming up because we're almost here and i'm like oh here's a bad one again and this is this is

going to sound controversial again and this i i understand that the science doesn't really support it at the moment the research hasn't been done i think you can burp out poop i think i think i've been doing my whole life you get when you really have to go, you just start burping. You're good. You're just clearing out space one way or the other. Get some gas out, clear some space, and you can just put it elsewhere. If people don't try it enough, you can definitely burp out shit. It's just a fact.

So what we've learned here from a little story time with Feidelberg, ladies, is that if you ever are going on a date with John on a Tuesday, he's going to be kissing you with poop mouth and sweating out shit while he runs to the bathroom and periodically poops a little bit. Tuesday. Feidelberg is disgusting. Well, every day is, but Tuesday is particularly bad. That was like the first tactic I ever developed as a kid who was like scared to know that people would know he shit sometimes.

I think I saw it in Willy Wonka. You know when they're going up in the tube and they're like, burp, Charlie, burp. And they start floating down. I was like, oh, i'll just do that when i have to poop at school and look i think it worked i mean listen whatever works for you pal you got to manage your own poop situation if burps do it do your thing i uh i don't even know what to say about that little me meandering tail from new york to portugal with poop in between holy shit but i made it guess what i haven't been yet like i'm back oh you so you're good johnny shark well you know it's much like kramer you missed the window and now your body has just it's just

eaten it's assimilated into like your colon you're good yeah no i think i think that i'm i'm good for like two weeks or probably you went right off the. You went right to the bar to watch this World Cup game. And I took my refugee nap. Right. The refugee napped and right to the bar. And I think you experienced one of arguably the best things, the best sports moment that could happen to a person right now. We're going to talk about that after I tell you that Mafia Audio Boom Smash Hit podcast

is back for season two, taking us back into America's criminal underworld, exploring the lives and careers of the most powerful gangsters the world has ever seen. Through extensive research and eyewitness stories, Mafia reveals what life was really like inside the mob for the people who lived it. Every Wednesday, Mafia dives into the larger-than-life stories of mobsters and introduces the key figures who brought them down. In Season 1, they brought you closer to the most notorious mob bosses of all time, and Season 2 is no exception. They cover the lives of Carmine Galante, Alan Dorfman, Santo Traficante, Alberto Anastasi, Anthony Spilotro, Joseph Messino,

and all the other crime bosses, revealing how they built their criminal empires so find Mafia on Apple Podcasts Spotify and every other listening destination you went to the bar in Portugal to watch a Portugal World Cup game and you saw Ronaldo score a goal

being the ever present ever living the charmed sports life score a goal. Being the ever present, ever living the charmed sports life that you do, Feidelberg, I think... What? It's going to get better.

You're right. I don't even need it to get better than that. Getting to see Cristiano Ronaldo score a World Cup goal while you watch on his home turf at a bar in Portugal,

I'm seriously trying to think of something better on a global, international scale. You know, like, yeah, if you saw Tom Brady throw the winning touchdown in Foxborough, like, yes. And if you score, if you saw Jordan hit a buzzer beater in Chicago, of course. But we're talking about the World Cup.

International fucking fame. Ronaldo scores a goal. I don't think it gets better than that, but apparently it does. No, it doesn't get better than that, but the analogy gets better. First of all, it wasn't just Ronaldo's fourth World Cup goal. He's scored

all goals for World Cup this World Cup. All goals for Portugal this World Cup. It's also the goal that put him scored all goals for world cup this this world cup all goes for portugal this world cup uh it's also it's also the goal that put him in the lead for most international goals scored by a european so record setting game winning basically goal yeah but you know what you want to know what the thing that stuck out to me the most was because i know i talked about how i was at uh the bar in columbia or not in columb or not in Columbia, in New York for the Columbia game yesterday. And everyone was going crazy. Everyone was loving it.

People were going nuts. You know what the best part was? What? People here were like – Whatever. No big deal. Right? Because it was –

Like another day in the office. Because – and here's the analogy I thought of while I was at the bar. That game in New York, the Columbia game, I was at a Buffalo Bills bar. And they were like, look, we're happy to be in the playoffs. This is fucking fun. Let's jump through some tables or whatever. In Portugal, I'm home, baby. I'm at a Patriots bar.

And we're not here for one goal in the group stage. We're fucking here to win the thing. That's what we're doing here. That's a Week 10 Patriots game. Like, yeah, call me when it's the AFC Championship. Like, let me know when we're in the semis to win the whole fucking thing. Right. That was, hey, Brady, great pass.

Yeah, like, oh, Cristiano Ronaldo scored a goal in a soccer game? No fucking kidding. You're an asshole. The people were very upset after the game because it was only one nothing it was perfectly patriots were in the fact that like they got the win that they needed it it gave them something to bitch about afterwards and it gave something to coach the old team about that we need to be better at all this the defensive line didn't look great in this game yeah the back line didn't look and it's it's everyone's

gonna come around we got i'm here for one more game monday night before i take off tuesday son of a bitch i mean it's like everything the stars and the moons just aligned for this poop pants hard f word i was gonna say unbelievable dude i don't even want to talk about it anymore i was gonna like i was gonna talk about the other greatest like what's the other greatest sports things you could witness i don't even want to talk about it anymore i was gonna like i was gonna talk about the other greatest like what's the other greatest sports things you could witness i don't even want to because john's gonna be like well i saw that and i did that oh i've done that before and now i get to do like of all things to see portugal on an international scale to watch ronaldo it's like why why does john get to do that i don't know because. Cause he's an asshole. It was, it was awesome. I don't want, I want to like demean it by any stretch,

but it also, it wasn't, I had, I had higher hopes. I thought it was going to be like, and granted, I'm not in mainland Portugal or maybe it's crazy. I'm not in Lisbon.

I'm in the Azor, which is like kind of like a fishing Island of a sorts. Um, and it's like, it's like a much older town and like all it's like, there's no major bar. It's like smaller cafes and all the cafes were packed and everyone smokes here which i love like just like a smoky bar yeah and um it was it was cool as shit but i i expected like everyone running around with flags like

like in tallahassee uh tallahassee like on game day like everyone's in perch and like it this was this was a regular week patriots game well i mean maybe maybe, maybe it really is. It's just too early for them. Group play doesn't do it for them. It doesn't get them going. I thought there was going to be like the town hall or town center was going to be going nuts. Yeah. I had lunch in there beforehand. There was like, there were some people muttering about, but it wasn't crazy.

Call me when you're in the semifinals. Exactly. Yeah. Hit me in the quarters. Unreal. Let's get to these voicemails. They're brought to you by Lisa Mattresses. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa Mattresses, Mattresses, Mattresses.

$160 off when you go to lisa.com slash barstool. That's the deepest discount they have ever offered. 23,000 mattresses have been donated because every mattress you buy, every 10 mattresses, they donate a tree. They donate one mattress. And so they're doing good in the world while they're also giving you the best bed to sleep on. You can try it out for 100 nights. It gets delivered right to your house.

You open up the box. It magically unfolds. Remember those little capsules you used to put in hot water and they would unfold into a teddy bear or a washcloth? That's like this. You just open up the box. Shit just magically unfolds. You got yourself a high quality mattress you don't have to you know moving a mattress is one of like the hardest most awkward things in the world one of the old school mattresses

it's like flopping over it's like heavy but it's not sturdy you got to try to slide it and push it up the stairs this you just bring the box upstairs open it up unfolds right onto your box spring you're good to go i can't believe we ever did it like that. When I first got my Lisa mattress in my New York apartment, I just slid it over the elevator, put it upstairs, brought it to my room, put it on my bed, on my bed

spread, box spring, and just opened it. It was the easiest thing I've ever done in my entire life. And it's like we used to, you know, you hold either side of it and it's tipping and wobbling. It's like, what are we, you know, you hold either side of it and it's tipping and wobbling. It's like, what are we doing here? Now we figure it out.

My dad was helping me move in and I swear to God, he thought I performed a magic trick. He's like, what was that? Where did the bed come from? Yeah. You snap your finger and it appears. You can try it out for 100 nights for free. If you don't like it, return it. Go to Lisa.com slash barstool.

$160 discount on your mattress. Voicemails from portugal let's do it hey guys so just jumping right into this um i hooked up with this guy i've been seeing for probably like a month or so like i I was taking it really slow, but we finally had sex and it was pretty awful. He was like trying to do like, I don't know. I think he thinks he's a porn star or something. And he was just trying way too hard, but whatever.

Like, I don't care. I don't fault guys for that. Like, but good attitude. He asked me if it was okay. And I was like, yeah,

no, like it was good. And now it's been like two weeks. And we have like, this happened one time, and he's brought it up so many times, like, how good it was and, like, how he rocked my world and how, like, he's so amazing in bed. And, like, I'm not even kidding. We'll be having a conversation about, like, anything else, just something, like, what we're going to have for dinner tonight. And he'll be like, oh, yeah, like oh yeah like i like did this the other week and it's just getting really frustrating and i'm so disgusted by the entire situation i never want to have sex with him again and i'm just wondering like am i an asshole for not like being turned off by this or is this guy like just not really like listen

insecure overconfident or something i mean to to be like I'm like horrifically disgusted is maybe a little bit hard. But I think what she's describing is incredibly unattractive. So I got no beef with this. It's classic, classic lawyering. This is this is law school. I took a pre-law class and this is this is pre-law 101. You never ask the question you don't know the answer to. And guess what? She came or not. You don't know the answer to. And guess what?

She came or not, you don't know the fucking answer because you're not – what's his name? Who's the guy in Nip Tuck? Christian Troy. Troy, yeah. Christian Troy, he knows all. If you're not Christian Troy, you have no idea. Don't you dare ask. Don't you dare pretend you know what happened.

It's a mystery to you, and leave it a mystery. Ignorance is bliss. Don't investigate mysteries. Yep. You know what happens it's it's a mystery to you and leave it a mystery ignorance don't investigate mysteries yep you know what happens if you investigate mysteries they die first in a horror movie yep they disgust anybody with curiosity dead it's like uh the mystery you just have it's like church you know when the priest is like let us proclaim the mystery of faith you just gotta have faith and you just gotta leave it a mystery and just be like, yeah, we fucked it. I don't really know what happened. And I hope it was good.

But if it wasn't, sorry. And we'll try it again later. You might have faked it. You might have been real. It was good. It was bad. It was somewhere in between. I'm going to have a little faith here that you're going to fuck me again.

And we're going to leave it a mystery. That's really what it is. Every single time it's Will Smith, Will Ferrell doing the, I blacked out what happened. I blacked out what happened. I don't know what was good. I don't know what was bad. I don't know what went on.

But it did something where I, something occurred, and I'm going to just accept that as fact. I thought you were going to say the Will Smith, because this also applies in Hitch. This guy needs the Will Smith, what what was it what was kevin what was kevin james name in that alan like wanna make her some shit some have whatever his name whatever you know when they're doing the dancing lesson he's like stay in your lane like no jumps no twirls just like left to right keep your feet on the ground a couple snaps couple claps that's how normal guys

need to have sex. When she said he thinks he's a porn star, he's trying moves and trying too hard, you are playing above your pay grade, bro, and you're only going to make yourself look like an asshole. If you can't be picking up and lifting and twisting and bending and jumping, then don't, because that's going to end up being bad sex.

I think if you focus on, you know, it's like golf. It's like when you try to swing out of your shoes, you're going to be in the weeds. You're going to shoot over par when you just like, I'm going to shoot it straight. I'm going to stand the fairway. Maybe I'll shoot like one over every, you know, I'll take a bogey, but I'm not going to be embarrassing myself.

That's sex for us. That's the exact opposite of the only golf advice my dad ever gave me is what to swing out of your shoes he always said just go the one time we've like ever golfed together when i was a kid he went look at the dimple just hit the fuck out of it you know what that also works too and you're fucking a girl just look at the dimple and hit the fuck out of it logic also applies somehow both ways i just think when you try to get too cute with it you're gonna you know you're you're flying too close to the sun and then especially and then even if you are good to just keep bringing it up like yeah

this is the most embarrassing thing i've ever heard for him to be like touting it all the time and she was actually lying but even if he was like even if i did rock my world like i'm the kind of guy in the very rare instances where something good happens to me you play it cool like i think that's so much cooler when you score a big touchdown like ronaldo like the bar in portugal like yeah i've been there before it's like oh did you did i just give you multiples and you scored it all over the bed just another day having sex with me baby no big deal when you're when you're thumping your chest about it it's kind of like uh well now you're an asshole and you squirt it all over the bed. Just another day having sex with me, baby. No big deal. When you're thumping your chest about it,

it's kind of like, well, now you're an asshole. See, I'm actually even worse than you in the fact where I won't accept a compliment. I'll just be like, nah, you're lying. Nah, it wasn't good. It wasn't good. Nah, you're fucking with me. And maybe you throw a wry smile at me. Nah, you're talking crazy,. And maybe you throw a wry smile at me. Like, nah, you talk crazy, girl.

Cut it out, girl. Cut it out, boo. You know, you're just saying that. Yeah, you're just being nice to me right now. It's not necessary. Unless you know that you're really good. Like, could you imagine, I think this all the time about people who are just in great shape. Like, if I was just in great shape, I don't know what I would do.

Like, I was just, like, shredded. like shredded i'd like never have a shirt on if i like knew that i could really fuck i i don't think i've ever had sex i'd be like i'll have sex with you i'll have sex with you i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna make all you girls come i think i think it's a dangerous thing i don't think i think i don't want it, exactly. I remember reading an article in GQ on James Dean years ago, and it was just about like the guy was like on set with him and talking about how amazing he is. And then like at the end of the article, someone calls James Dean and they're coming to see his sister or something like that.

And he's like, dude, just don't sleep with my sister. And James Dean is like, cool, cool, I won't, man. And he hangs up the phone and goes, definitely gonna. She's definitely gonna love him. I'm like, I will. No, no, you know what? That's like the Lord of the Rings. The ring is too much power.

If you're good in bed, that's a curse I don't want to have at all. It's just like a burden at the end of the day i'd rather just be mediocre me just stay medium being good at anything is a burden yeah because then you get criticism and again if you just play if you're just fine and you're like nah that wasn't that good that wasn't that good and then it like like whoa maybe he's got another he's got another gear right and you don't but you're leaving it up to the imagination. You say, nah, that wasn't great. It's the same reason you always send a dick pic that's like three quarters hard because that thing might grow another six inches for all she knows.

It's not gonna, but it might. It's mail time. Everything in life is mail time. You mail time your dick pics. You mail time your sex life. Anybody who sets the bar too high, you can never then take it to another level. What do you do for Valentine's Day? What do you do for anniversaries?

Nothing, because I've already maxed out because I'm already good at this shit. She starts taking it for granted. Next thing you know, sex isn't good. It's not enough, and everything crashes and burns. Being good at sex is the worst thing ever for relationships. I'm telling you. It gives you nothing to work at. Next voicemail is brought to you by Blue Apron.

One good thing is being a fire cook. That you can't ever go wrong with because you're going to eat well for the rest of your life. You're going to impress girls and dates with meals. Being a fire cook is something that everybody should try to strive for. And Blue Apron is the best way to learn how to do it. They send you all the ingredients you need to cook very delicious meals in your own home where you learn exactly how to rattle those pots and pans. It comes with easy-to-read instructions and pre-portioned ingredients. So you can't screw it up.

And then once you do it a few times, you kind of learn what you're doing. You don't necessarily need the recipe. You can kind of mix and match your own ingredients. You can do your own style. And next thing you know, you know how to cook all sorts of stuff right now. My brother was just telling me that like literally hours ago that he wants to become a good cook and i i gotta get him this he's like he's like come on how awesome would that be just feel like chef it up yo i mean you're right if you can if imagine just

like a guy in a in an apron done i think i think the gal loves that that's all it takes get in there you got the You got your whisking stuff. You're doing that thing with the pan where you flip things with one hand. You got fire roasting up in the air. And even just being like, hey, you want to go to dinner? Like, yeah, where are we going? Where's the reservation? My place.

Like 8 o'clock, my place. We're good. I'll take care of it. You're eliminating the whole step as well. Done. And then you can give her mediocre sex later and she doesn't even care because she had a good meal. Chrissy Teigen's down with this. Right now they got Chrissy Teigen's garlic and soy glazed shrimp with charred broccoli and hot green pepper sauce.

So you know that she's one of the greatest cooks on the internet. She gets down with Blue Apron. You should be down too. Right now, if you use the promo code, if you go to blueapron.com slash KFC, you get your first three meals for free. So that's blueapron.com slash KFC. You choose from the two-person package, the four-person family package, and you can get your first three

for free when you go to blueapron.com slash KFC. What's up, KFC? Vice, BC. First time, long time. I got a little predicament. Just moved into a new house. And when I moved in, I was obviously moving stuff in and realized I got a 21-year-old smoke as a neighbor. All right, now we've hung out a few times in a group. Obviously, we've been drinking.

She has me on Snapchat. She's been sending me some snaps for kind of getting ready, looking all sexy. Do I just go for it, realizing that I have 10 months left on this lease and if I get shot down, it's going to get awkward, or do I slow play it and just hope for something to happen? All right, leave it.

You have a 21-year-old hot neighbor. You don't do anything about it. You just steer the fuck clear. You don't do anything about it i think you just don't do you just steer the fuck clear you don't you got you don't do a goddamn thing you're moron you're goddamn you're moron doofus i mean 21 31 51 i don't think you should fuck around with any of your neighbors i used to have this hot chick named jill who lived right below me when i was in uh on third avenue 28th and third and i remember remember thinking like, that girl's cute.

She seems cool. This could be convenient. There was a couple passings in the hallways where I was like, I think this could be something, you know, I did fucking nothing. I didn't do a goddamn thing about it. Cause that is a disaster waiting to happen. I live across the hall for two years now from three young, attractive ladies who have parties all the time. In fact, I should call the police on them rather than try to hook up with them. But you know what I've done? Nothing at all. Zippo! They have guys coming in and out who definitely know who our school is because they're younger.

And I could accidentally open the door at some time and be like, go, come party. And I would never. Never. In a million years do that. Because then you spend goodness knows how long just hiding. Yep. And granted, maybe that's nice. That could be a good excuse to be, whoa, look, can't go outside for the next week.

She might see me. Maybe let's have the next year. I could be seen. That be so now you get some sex and you get a reason to stay inside all the time not a bad idea no listen your your apartment is your your safe space and you start to mix relationships and sex in your safe space you're no longer safe you're in the danger zone bro safe space becomes danger zone and next thing you know you have nowhere to go you got to worry about sneaking in and out of your own place you got to worry about bringing other people over because she might see if she gets attached or let's say it goes horribly wrong and you embarrass

yourself now you can't look her in the eye you know what there's just a million reasons where that's the definition of shitting where you eat. And you've also – not just her catching you. Like what if she – you're the one who catches feelings. You're putting yourself right into hell. Because then you know what? You call up this show and you say, hey, what's up, guys? I hooked up with my neighbor, and I really like her, but I don't think she's into me.

But I see her all the time. What do I say? What do I do? And the answer is nothing, man. She's trying to avoid you. She doesn't really like you. Because if she liked you, you'd be, you're literally three feet away. She could just come fuck you and she doesn't, because that's how little she likes you. You probably brag

too much about how good you are at sex. She's disgusted and never wants to see you again. Can't even cook. Can't even cook. Can't. You think you're good at sex and you're not. You live too close. It could be a disaster either direction. Now, all of that said, John john it's late at night you stumble home from the bar 21 year old girl is like she's running down the hallway to throw her garbage out she's just wearing a t-shirt because she thought she was just going to run in and out no one's going to see her and you lock eyes and

she says why don't you come in here there There's a 0% chance you're saying no. Yeah, I mean, you're right, but it doesn't – this is all hindsight. Do as I say, not as I do. I think I'd give a soft no. I think I'd give a soft no. And then she would grab you by the shirt and pull you in. You'd do one of these things. Your body would be like that, and you would get pulled right in. You'd be like, all right.

I had no choice. I was basically raped. Yes, yeah. I'll get raped whenever. Can't rape the willing. Thanks, voicemail. I'll edit that. Going on 5KFC, Super Producer BC, first time, long time.

So I got a scenario that I'm sure someone's called about before. So I work in this really small office's like me and a couple other people and we just got this new intern super cute chick um she's a senior in college another hard no college no really cool just super cool super cute you know everything about it um and me and her hang out like all the time i'm like her like buddy at work i've got to like show her all the ropes i'm with her like day in and day out um and i'm just not sure how to like make like to move on this because you know let's say we go out and have a great time and you know things work out that's great but if not then you know i have to see her the rest of the summer

and it's like it's like hot or like a cubicle or anything because we interact every single day, like half before our job. So I just want to get your thoughts on how to go about this. And she doesn't have a boyfriend. I brought up every scenario where she could have a boyfriend. She hasn't said anything about it. So I'm just going to assume she doesn't have one. I just don't really know how to make that first move. So if you guys can help me out.

All right. All right. Now, we all know the answer here, too, John. But at the risk of sounding redundant, I'm going to offer up another point of analysis here. Perhaps be the devil on the shoulder, play a little devil's advocate, if you will. We are talking about an intern situation. That is a finite amount of time. That means this girl will be out of here by august 29th probably

she's a college girl she might not even be in relationship mode where she's even thinking about catching feelings this actually might be and and let's say let's assume this guy is just a a lame old cube monkey it's not like he's risking like a a c-suite job where he's going to get caught hooking up with the intern and and it's going to be a disaster this like he's risking a C-suite job where he's going to get caught hooking up with the intern and it's going to be a disaster. This guy, he's got an entry-level job, not too much to risk. She's young. She's not in relationship mode.

She will be gone in about eight weeks. This could be the ride of a summer. Yeah. I mean, look, you make a strong argument. A very, very strong one.

Um, now that's at the end of the day, that's still not the right answer. Hooking up with the intern. If you get caught, even if it's consensual and everything's all good and she's of age, you look like a creep. You're probably never going to,

you're not going to get fired, but you're never going to like advance there. Not to mention that, that again, if things go awry, yourry your your job your nine to five now is a fucking nightmare because you're sitting next to a girl that either you like and she doesn't like you back or you fucked her over and she hates you something there's too much that could go wrong but it also if things do go right your job all of a sudden becomes pretty bearable i i think uh in response to your devil's advocate,

I'm going to go, uh, John Krasinski, little Jim here and say, well, you know, it's like when Michael, when,

when Holly first got to the office and, and, and Michael was like, I love her. And he's like, look, you can think that you can't say it. You can't tell it to people.

You certainly can't say it to her. So you can be like, look, I want to hook up with this girl. And sure, that's fine in your own mind. But you could just wait the eight weeks, lay groundwork like a mother. Now, there's a good middle ground. Like, hey, because then you could almost play like she wants it. She's young.

She's dumb. She's an intern. She's like at happy hour. She's drunk's drunk she's like let's go home together and you play the like hard to get card you play the like no no no i'll call me after labor day then i'll tell you what september 6th or whatever the day after labor day you're getting your dick fucked right off you let that you build that up you put that in a bottle for eight weeks whoa buddy that's gonna be unleashed for like three seasons yeah yeah that was gonna go she got other boyfriends in the mix aj was there michael's dumping guacamole on woody there's a whole lot of moves in there you can do before that and i I suggest you go with one of those.

Guru, John Feidelberg. Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by ExpressVPN. It's the world's leading VPN provider that lets you privately and securely use the internet at blazing fast speeds without being tracked by anyone. Now, you know me and Feidelberg. We have no shame, and so our internet habits are pretty much an open book. We offer them up on purpose, even. We basically tell it ourselves.

Like, hey, what were you looking at last night? Well, it was some pretty light violence with some hardcore, you know. We let it out there. Other people, they don't like their internet habits being out there. Frankie Borelli, I'm dragging you down, too. Yeah, Frankie Borelli's crew. Frankie and his crew need this down, too. Yeah, Frankie Borelli's crew. Frankie and his crew need this shit, too. The ExpressVPN, where your internet cannot be tracked by anybody.

Listen, mobile carriers, internet service providers, and hackers all have access to everything you're doing. Right now, you're being watched. It could be the government. It could be hackers. You are being watched. And listened to and everything. You know what my first Instagram ad was? What?

Set it up. Set it up. Of course. I mean, you've been thinking it. You said it once. You said it out loud. Boom. Set it up is now your next target.

They are watching. But ExpressVPN encrypts your traffic and your sensitive data while masking your IP address, concealing your online activity from everyone. So they don't know what you're doing. They don't know where you're doing it. Zuckerberg can't get you. Facebook and Cambridge Analytics, they can't get you. The North Koreans, Edward Snowden, they can't get you when you are on ExpressVPN. So go to expressvpn.com slash KFC. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash KFC. And you'll

get three months for free when you sign up for a one-year package every day you're on the internet so every day you're going to use express vpn so it's worth it don't put your sensitive information at risk don't put your reputation at risk don't put it off protect your online data with express vpn today visit expressvpn.com slash kfc to learn more last voicemail from port. Let's do it. What's up, KFC? Vice Super Producer, UC. I just called like 20 minutes ago, but since I'm drunk right now at home,

I just feel like getting this all out while I can right now. Do it, girl. Anyway, so I'm 26. I only started, like, masturbating about, I'm a girl also. I only started masturbating like a year ago. Kind of late in the game just because I was raised like Catholic, you know, go to church every Sunday. And I kind of just viewed it in just one of those mindsets where I just was like, you know, a sin. Gotcha.

And I don't know. I guess I just honestly was very against it. And so my question is, is there ever like a kind of barrier or like fine line of, too much masturbation? Because now, like, I started late in the game and, like, I have my own, like, dildo and it's just, like, fuck. Like, it's, you know, like, you know, I do it every day now. And, like, is there ever a time when it's, like, that's too much? Is there ever a time, I guess the question is, like, is. No, I'm going to save you the rest of your struggles here, girl, because you're drunk and you're clearly thinking about fucking your dildo.

No, I mean, like, as long as you're not like, you know, as long as I guess you're just doing it like privately and it's not like something weird where it's like impacting the rest of your life. If you go home every night and you fuck some sort of toy, good for you. You wake up in the morning, you do it. Good for you. You do it at work in the bathroom with your fingers. Good for you. Whatever. It's like, can you brush your teeth too much?

No. Well, if you do it improperly, yes. And I guess that applies here, too. Technique and hygiene. Yeah. I mean, you can fuck your gums up. That's how mine got all fucked up, Kevin. That's true.

Not for brushing too much from the rampant tobacco use. Yeah, but that's not what my dentist thinks. Stop fucking outing me. For fucking 15 years, he's been's been like dude you gotta stop brushing so hard i'll work on it i'll work on it that dentist is like i'm just gonna lie back to this kid get out of here listen bottom line is there's no such thing as masturbating too much as long as you're doing it privately and you're good and you just do it like, you know, an adult, enjoy yourself, girl. Don't worry about it. And don't feel ashamed.

I'm upset that you should ask that you should use this line at a pickup at a bar, like to pick up a guy. Hey, I just got a question. It's weird that I fuck my... Hey, I got this dildo that I fuck every day. Is that bad? No, no, no. You're going home with me.

That would make me put in my headphones and run home. But a normal guy. You're good. You're good. All right, Johnny. Get back to Portugal. Enjoy Ronaldo on Monday night before you're back home. I miss you, babe.

Hey, I miss you, too. You look great, by the way. You know what? It's the little things like that. When you're on the road, you always got to make sure you take care of your significant other and be like, hey, how are you? I miss you. You look good. John knows what he's doing.

Thanks, pal. Heck of a day. You look fantastic on the run. Get out there and go talk to some Portuguese women and make me proud, huh? You bet. No way. No. No.

No chance. Thank you. Bye.